#b) emotionally using me to heal

[lesbianbreastmilk]

What did I ever expect from an asshole who literally was salivating looking at other women at the airport while I was crying and feeling devastated to leave the US. I am so fucking stupid

[boyczar]

[lemmesayimyourbiggestfan]

if you love me, prove it

regulus black x fem!reader

when Regulus Black proves to be emotionally unavailable, Y/N decides it's better to end their relationship. In order to get her back, Regulus has to face his own trauma and open up his heart to her.

warnings: angst

word count: 1,9k

requests are open!

When Regulus saw you for the first time, he was smitten. Every time he saw your beautiful hair, heard your perfect voice.... He couldn't even stand to be in your presence, because your perfume smelt like heaven to him. In his dreams, that used to be haunted only by the traumas of his childhood, now, there you were, haunting him in a whole new manner. It scared him, yes. But for you... in that moment he first saw you, he decided he would do anything for you and he hated himself for having this weakness.

What a surprise it was to both of you when you asked him out in your fifth year. Your first date spent strolling around Hogsmeade wasn't the exact definition of a date - Regulus just couldn't figure out how to actually let you know that he liked you. All he knew about love was his now ruined bond with his brother Sirius and that all too twisted relationship with his own mother. He could express it in bits here and there; like when he helped Sirius heal his wounds when they were younger. But never anything more.

And when you were smiling at him so sweetly, he even felt anxious to return the smile. What was wrong with him? He spent years pining after you and when he was actually close to having you, he felt sick with worry.

"Why do you like me?" he asked you on that first date. Has he ever asked someone such a genuine question?

You gave him a perplexed look he couldn't decipher and one corner of your lips rose into a crooked grin. "Is there any reason why I shouldn't?"

He thought about it, then. Yes, he wanted to tell you. Yes, I'm a coward. I'm a horrible person. But insted he just smiled and shook his head. "Nevermind."

And it worked for you for a while.

When you spent time together, just you two without anyone else nearby, Regulus tried to let you in and you were patient and proud of any progress you made in strengthening your whatever-kind-of bond-it-was. You told him of your childhood, of your siblings and your favourite memories from holidays spent oversees. And your openness ispired him so much - if you could, why couldn't he?

So he told you of his own childhood, of his abusive relationship with his parents, how they acted towards his pigheaded brother. How he was the one who helped patch Sirius up every single time and how he always hid his brother’s muggle stuff so their parents wouldn’t be even more angry.

Regulus was very vulnerable in the moments afterwards and very aware of the fact. But the tears welling in your eyes weakened him way more. But what could he do? He just sat there. There were no wounds to patch up. And apparently, that's all he knew how to do.

"I love you." you cried into his shoulder and he pulled you close. Was he doing this right? The last thing he wanted was to hurt you.

But then the words actually reached him. For the first time in his life, he finally had those three little words aimed at him. All his life, all he ever wanted was to be loved and here it was, this precious little moment with the girl of his dreams being so vulnerable with him that his heart ached. The least he could do was do the same for you.

"I love you." he said and gently lifted your chin and kissed you on the lips. The kiss tasted sweet but salty from your tears.

"I see your worth, Regulus." your whispered into the kiss.

And he was, for the first time ever, home.

...

For a while you two were happy. For a while, you put up with being just his "friend" because Regulus insisted on keeping your relationship quiet. In private, you were everything to each other, but when in public, Regulus couldn't even look at you.

At first, you found it so romantic. Every time you were alone, you were so excited to hold him close. When you walked by him in the hallways, you could only admire him but that was enough. But was it really? None of your friends could know. And especially Sirius, with whom you sat at every meal. As far as you knew, noone had any suspicions, but sometimes you wished they did just so you could be cornered and get this secret off of your chest.

But you could live with it. What you couldn’t live with, though, were the secrets that Regulus kept from you since Christmas 2 months ago. Yes, you understood that spending time with his family wasn’t exactly something ejoyable for him, but that he kept it from you was killing you. You tried to ask but his dry answers – also obvious lies - were useless. Maybe that was the worst part – the lying that he was fine and the: “everything is okay“s.

And when you finally confronted him about it, Regulus just looked like he didn’t know what to say.

“Why are you lying to me, Reg?“ you whispered, staring into his dark eyes as if they could give you the answer.

“Y/N…“ he sighed and tried to reach for your hand. You put it inside your pocket instead and hurt flashed across his features.

“Stop it. I thought we were better than this. 8 months, Reg. 8 months we spent building that bridge of trust between us and you still shy away.“

He sighed, turned his face away from your searching gaze and ran his fingers through his dark wavy hair.

“It’s not that I don’t trust you, Y/N. I’m just trying to keep you safe and unhurt-“

“But you are the one hurting me,“ your voice broke. “Your lies hurt me, the secrecy hurts me. Are you ashamed of me, is that it?“

“No! Of course not! I love you! What more could you possibly want? I gave you my heart, isn’t that enough?“ He looked as if he wanted to grab your shoulders and shake you until you understood his point.

“Not when you gave it to me in a locked chest and didn’t bother to give me the keys.“

“Y/N-“ he said desperately, searching for any signs of affection in your eyes. But you remained resolute.

“Sometimes, love isn’t enough, Reg.“ you said softly, as if explaining something to a toddler. “You’ve been subconciously sabotaging our relationship while calling it “keeping me safe“. Either I get all of you, or none of you, but I won’t continue playing the fool who is glad for any scraps of love you can provide. If you love me, prove it.“ you gave him a sad smile and tears shone in your eyes. “Come back when you’re ready to let me in.“

With that, you left him standing with one arm outstretched, as if with that move alone he could stop the time.

…

“Sooooo….“ Sirius said and finished his glass of butterbeer. “You and Y/N no longer a thing?“

Regulus froze. Repairing his relationship with his brother was the first thing that came to his mind that could help him become a better person. But at that moment, he was rethinking his decision.

“What?“

“You know,“ Sirius mumbled nonchalantly, “that girl of yours with whom you’ve been with like, hmm, for like over half a year? Something like that?“

“How do you know about that?“ Regulus asked sharply.

“Oh, little Reggie,“ Sirius sighed pitifully. “Everyone knows. I mean, knew. Even, like, McGonagall and Dumbledore.“

Everyone knew. Was he so blind to see it the whole time? He tried so hard to keep you safe, from people knowing that you were the one weakness that could kill him. And, as it turns out, everyone knew.

Regulus put his head in his hands and started crying.

…

The day before the beginning of the summer break, Regulus finally aproached you. To say you spent every day since your breakup waiting for him was an understatement.

“Heyy,“ he said nervously when you two met in the middle of a hallway. You smiled at him warmly.

He took you by the elbow and tugged you near the windows so you wouldn’t get in the way of the other students.

“I just- look, I know I messed up, but ever since, I’ve been trying to-“

“I know,“ you said softly. His nervous gaze moved from his shoes to your eyes. He raised one eyebrow imploringly.

“Sirius told me you’ve been keeping in touch.“

“Oh.“

“And he also told me what happened during the Christmas break; how he ran away from home and left you there. I’m sorry I didn’t understand why you didn’t want to talk about it-“

“No, I’m sorry that I lied about it.“

You two were silent for a while before you both started smiling.

“Oh, I nearly forgot. I wrote a letter for you.” Regulus blushed shily and fumbled for a bit before he took a letter from his backpack.

“You, Regulus Black, wrote me a letter?” you raised an eyebrow in surprise and Regulus just raised his shoulders uncomfortably. “I’m just joking, Reg. Thank you, that’s very thoughtful of you.”

Your eyes met again and now you were both blushing.

“So…” he started but couldn’t bring himself to say anything else.

“So I will read it on the train and when we arrive in London I will find you and say my goodbye.”

“Yeah, of course.”

It was time to get to the carriages so you stood on your toes and gave Regulus a soft kiss on the cheek before leaving him standing there like a statue. On the way to Hogsmeade, you couldn’t wipe the smile off of your face.

…

When you were sure you were left alone in your train cabin, you took the crumpled letter from your pocket and opened it. You smiled at Regulus’ neat handwriting.

My Y/N,

When I first saw you, I knew. I just did. And I’ve been hating myself for having that one and only weakness – you. My mother always told me that we cannot afford weaknesses. But what I didn’t get until a few weeks ago is that loving someone doesn’t make me vulnerable but stronger in some ways. It was just hard for me to understand the fundamentals of a relationship itself – I always appreciated your love but never actually accepted it, because I didn’t think I was worthy of you or your love. You gave me your heart so willingly and here I am, finally, offering mine on a golden platter, all of it – the pain and love and hate and happiness. And I hope that just once, all I am is enough.

Yours, Reg

You stared and stared at that perfect handwriting. And when the train stopped in King’s Cross station, you held the letter in your fist and ran out of the train, searching for that familiar face you loved.

Regulus was already anxiously waiting.

“Oh yes, all you are is enough for me.” You laughed and hugged him tightly and Regulus leaned his face in the crook of your neck.

“Will you introduce me to your parents?” was the only thing he said and there was a new spark in those beautiful eyes.

[librababe99]

Healing Touch

cw: MDNI, 18+, Smut, Fluff, Young!Charles Xavier, Fem!Reader word count: 2.7K Summary: In the mid-1970s, Charles Xavier is a man haunted by loss and burdened by the weight of his own mind. When you, a fellow mutant, offer him not only companionship but a love he never expected, the walls he has built around his heart begin to crumble.

A/N: Since I wrote for Erik I felt that writing for Charles balances everything out <3 Forgive me if mentioning the cuban missile crisis at the beginning throws off the timeline in anyway, we don't have to jump into technicalities...lol! Anyways, please feel free to comment, reblog or like this <3 happy reading!

(Marvel Masterlist)

The 1970s had a way of weaving magic into the air—rife with a rebellious freedom, spinning off the back of a decade of upheaval. Amidst the intoxicating haze of civil rights movements, psychedelic music, and ever-changing fashion, there was something magnetic about this era, as if the world were in the throes of rediscovering itself. And in that same time, tucked away in the heart of Westchester County, Charles Xavier was a man rediscovering himself too—one who had seen the world both at its brightest and at its darkest.

The Xavier Institute for Higher Learning had become more than just a school. With the Cuban Missile Crisis a decade behind them and the threat of mutants still very much real, Charles had been pulled into a storm that had rocked him to his core. The man who had once been so full of optimism and hope had become someone else—someone hardened by loss, crippled both physically and emotionally. He had found himself retreating from the world, isolating behind the walls of his mansion, letting the noise of the outside world fade into a dull, muted hum.

But then there was you.

You had come into Charles’s life by chance, a fellow mutant with abilities that he couldn’t help but be drawn to. He had noticed you first because of your power—something akin to empathy, the ability to feel and manipulate the emotions of others. It was subtle, nothing explosive like fire or ice, but it was potent in its own right. In some ways, Charles found it even more fascinating, for it spoke to the heart of what he had always believed—that mutants were more than just their powers; they were people with gifts, capable of great good or terrible destruction depending on how they wielded them.

But it wasn’t just your abilities that caught his attention. There was something about you that stirred something long-buried inside him. You were strong, yes, but kind too—empathetic not just because of your powers but because of who you were at your core. And in a world where Charles had grown tired of fighting, tired of losing, you had become a beacon of warmth in the cold. Your presence began to thaw the ice he had encased himself in, and though he resisted it at first, that pull between you was undeniable.

It was a Friday night, and the mansion was quiet, the students having all gone off for the weekend. The air outside was thick with the scent of rain, the clouds heavy and swollen, but inside, there was a warmth that clung to the air. You had found Charles in his study, a glass of scotch in hand, seated behind the large oak desk that had become almost a throne for him. He was disheveled, his shirt unbuttoned at the collar, hair slightly out of place in a way that made him seem more human, less like the esteemed Professor Xavier he had always tried to be.

You knocked softly on the doorframe, leaning against it with a playful smile. "You look like you could use a break."

Charles glanced up from his drink, his eyes settling on you in that way that always sent a shiver down your spine. His eyes—those sharp, piercing blue eyes—were tired, but they softened when they met yours. A small smile tugged at the corner of his lips, though it didn’t quite reach his eyes. "A break from what, exactly?"

You shrugged, pushing off the doorframe and walking toward him. "From thinking. From brooding. From being Charles Xavier, mutant extraordinaire." You reached his desk and perched yourself on the edge of it, your knee brushing his thigh as you did so. His eyes flickered down to the point of contact, and you saw the briefest hitch in his breath.

“I don’t brood,” he replied, though the smile that followed betrayed his words.

“Oh, you most certainly do.” You leaned forward, teasingly close, just enough that he could feel your presence in the air between you. “You sit in this big, empty mansion, all alone, with your thoughts and your scotch, and you brood.”

Charles chuckled softly, though there was something in the sound that was darker, more resigned. “Maybe I do.” He swirled the amber liquid in his glass, his eyes distant for a moment. “There’s a lot to think about these days.”

You watched him for a moment, your gaze softening. Charles had always carried the weight of the world on his shoulders, even before the accident that had left him in a wheelchair. But now, that weight seemed heavier, as though the world had taken too much from him.

You reached out, your fingers brushing against his wrist, and the moment you touched him, you could feel it—a deep, aching sadness, buried beneath layers of composure and strength. It was like touching a wound that had never quite healed.

“I can feel it, you know,” you said softly, your voice barely above a whisper.

Charles looked up at you, and for a moment, the walls he had built around himself seemed to crumble, leaving behind the man he had tried so hard to hide. “Feel what?” His voice was just as soft, but there was an edge to it, a vulnerability he rarely let anyone see.

You smiled gently, your fingers trailing up his arm, barely grazing his skin. “Everything. The pain, the loss, the weight of all of it. You’re carrying so much, Charles. You don’t have to carry it alone.”

He swallowed hard, his Adam’s apple bobbing slightly as he did. “And what if I don’t want you to feel it?”

“Then I won’t,” you whispered, your hand now resting against his chest, right over his heart. “But I want to help you carry it. I want to be there for you.”

Charles’s breath caught in his throat, and for a moment, he seemed to struggle with something deep inside him, as though he were warring with himself. Then, slowly, he reached up, his hand covering yours as it rested on his chest. His touch was warm, gentle, and yet there was a tension in the way he held you, as though he were afraid to let go.

“I don’t deserve that,” he said, his voice barely audible.

Your heart clenched at his words, and without thinking, you leaned forward, closing the distance between you until your lips were inches from his. “You deserve so much more than you think, Charles.”

And then you kissed him.

It was soft at first, tentative, as though you were testing the waters, waiting to see if he would pull away. But he didn’t. Instead, his hand tightened around yours, and you felt him respond, his lips moving against yours with a hunger that surprised you both.

The kiss deepened, the years of longing, pain, and desire pouring into it with a ferocity that neither of you had expected. You could feel the way his body tensed beneath you, the way his breathing quickened as he lost himself in the moment.

Before you knew it, you were climbing into his lap, straddling him as your fingers tangled in his hair, pulling him closer, needing more. Charles groaned against your lips, his hands sliding up your thighs, gripping your hips as though he were afraid you might disappear if he let go.

“Are you sure about this?” he murmured against your mouth, his voice thick with desire and hesitation.

You pulled back just enough to meet his gaze, your forehead resting against his as you smiled softly. “I’ve never been more sure of anything in my life.”

His response was a low, guttural sound that sent a thrill racing through you, and before you knew it, he was kissing you again, more desperate this time, as though he couldn’t get enough of you.

Your fingers fumbled with the buttons of his shirt, and Charles let out a breathless laugh, the sound vibrating against your lips as you finally managed to push the fabric aside, revealing the hard planes of his chest. You ran your hands over his skin, feeling the way his muscles tensed beneath your touch.

“You’re beautiful,” you whispered, your voice thick with emotion.

Charles let out a soft, disbelieving laugh, but there was a vulnerability in his eyes that broke your heart. “You’re the first person who’s ever said that to me.”

You smiled, leaning down to press a soft kiss to his neck. “Then they’re all fools.”

His hands were everywhere, exploring your body as though he couldn’t quite believe you were real. His touch was gentle at first, almost reverent, but there was a fire behind it, a need that he had kept buried for far too long.

When you finally peeled off your shirt, you heard him suck in a breath, his eyes darkening with desire as he took you in. “God, you’re—” His voice broke off, as though he couldn’t quite find the words, but you didn’t need him to.

You kissed him again, your hands sliding down his chest, feeling the way his body responded to you, the way he trembled beneath your touch. You could feel the tension between you building, the air thick with anticipation.

And then, slowly, you began to move against him, your hips grinding against his in a rhythm that had both of you gasping for breath. Charles’s hands gripped your hips, guiding you, matching your movements with a desperate need.

“Please,” he breathed, his voice ragged.

You didn’t need to ask what he wanted. You could feel it, the desire, the longing, the need for release that had been building between you for so long. You reached between your bodies, your fingers making quick work of the zipper of his pants.

When he finally slid into you, the sensation was overwhelming—an electric jolt that sent shockwaves through your entire body. Charles let out a broken gasp, his hands gripping

as he pulled you closer, his body trembling beneath yours. You could feel the tension in him, every muscle wound tight, as if he were barely holding himself together.

You both paused for a moment, the sheer intensity of the connection stealing the breath from your lungs. You hadn’t expected it to feel like this, like every nerve in your body had come alive, attuned to him and only him. Charles's forehead pressed against your collarbone, his breath hot against your skin as you both adjusted, savoring the feeling of being so intimately joined.

“God,” he whispered, almost reverently. “I’ve wanted this—wanted you—for so long.”

Your fingers slid up into his hair, cradling his head, and you pressed a soft kiss to the top of it, your heart swelling at the vulnerability in his voice. “Then take me, Charles. I’m yours.”

That was all the permission he needed.

With a low, guttural sound, Charles’s grip on your hips tightened, and he began to move beneath you, slow at first, a steady rhythm that made you gasp with every roll of his hips. He filled you so perfectly, each movement sending waves of pleasure through your body. You matched his pace, rocking against him, savoring the slow burn that built between you, the friction pulling you both closer to the edge with every passing second.

Charles’s hands roamed your body, sliding up your back, tracing the curve of your spine, then slipping lower, his fingers digging into your skin with barely restrained intensity. His lips found your neck, teeth grazing your pulse point, and you felt your breath hitch in your throat.

“Charles…” you gasped, your head tilting back as you gave him more access.

His lips parted against your skin, and you could feel the groan that rumbled in his chest. “I can feel you,” he murmured, his voice thick with desire. “Every thought, every emotion—it’s overwhelming.”

You leaned back, meeting his gaze. His eyes were heavy-lidded, dark with need, but there was something else there too—something raw, something so deep and primal that it made your heart race.

“Don’t hide from me,” you whispered, your hands cradling his face. “Feel me. All of me.”

Charles’s eyes fluttered closed for a moment, as if letting go of the barriers he had so carefully constructed. And then, all at once, it hit you—the full weight of his mind brushing against yours, the flood of emotions crashing over you like a tidal wave.

It wasn’t just desire you felt—though that was certainly there, sharp and electric, searing through your veins. It was everything. His longing, his fear, the deep well of sadness that had haunted him for so long, and underneath it all, a love so profound it left you breathless.

You gasped, your nails digging into his shoulders as the sensation of his mind intertwining with yours sent a jolt of pleasure through you, heightening everything. The room around you seemed to fade, the only thing that existed in that moment was him—his body, his mind, and the way he was utterly consuming you.

Charles groaned, his hips bucking up into you with a sudden intensity that made you cry out. “I’ve never felt anything like this,” he panted, his voice strained, as though he were on the edge of losing control.

You could barely form words, the pleasure building inside you almost unbearable. “Charles, please…”

He understood without needing to ask. His hands slid down to your hips again, guiding you faster now, his movements more urgent, more desperate. You could feel the tension in your body coiling tighter and tighter, like a spring wound too far, ready to snap.

And then, with one hard thrust, you shattered.

A wave of ecstasy washed over you, white-hot and all-consuming, leaving you trembling in its wake. You cried out his name, your body arching against his, and you could feel him lose himself in the moment too, his hands gripping you so tightly it almost hurt as he followed you over the edge.

For a moment, the world seemed to stop, the only sound in the room your ragged breaths and the thrum of your racing heartbeat. You slumped against Charles, your forehead resting against his shoulder as you both came down from the high.

His arms wrapped around you, holding you close, as though afraid to let go. You could still feel the echo of his mind against yours, the connection between you not quite severed, and it brought a sense of intimacy that was unlike anything you had ever known.

After a long moment, Charles broke the silence, his voice soft and hoarse. “I didn’t know it could feel like that.”

You smiled, pressing a soft kiss to his temple. “Neither did I.”

He pulled back slightly to look at you, his hand coming up to brush a strand of hair behind your ear. His eyes were still dark, but there was a softness to them now, a vulnerability that made your heart ache.

“Thank you,” he said quietly, his thumb brushing over your cheek.

You frowned slightly. “For what?”

“For reminding me what it’s like to feel something other than pain.” His voice was filled with a quiet reverence, as though he couldn’t quite believe it himself.

You leaned forward, pressing your lips to his in a slow, tender kiss. “You don’t have to do it alone anymore, Charles. I’m here.”

He smiled, a real, genuine smile that made your heart flutter. “I know.”

You shifted slightly, still straddling his lap, and Charles let out a soft groan. The movement stirred something in you both, a flicker of desire reigniting as your bodies remained entwined.

“You know,” you said playfully, your fingers tracing lazy circles on his chest, “we’ve got the whole mansion to ourselves tonight.”

Charles raised an eyebrow, his smile turning into something more mischievous. “Is that so?”

You leaned in, your lips brushing the shell of his ear as you whispered, “Maybe we should take advantage of that.”

His breath hitched, and you felt his hands tighten on your hips. “You’re going to be the death of me.”

You smiled against his skin, pressing a soft kiss to his neck. “Then I’ll make it a night you won’t forget.”

With that, you began to move again, slow and teasing, savoring every moment of the night ahead.

[daydreamcloudshiding]

#2 Astrology Observations

Juno-Chiron conjunction isn't always healing. In fact, i tend to find this in couples where they stay in the relationship for a very long time but the whole time, the relationship is very emotionally abusive

People with Pluto dominants are naturally suspicious of others, but it's not like they have bad intentions towards others. They naturally will try to find as much informations as possible about you if they really like you to determine if you're a safe person or not. Pluto, although people often will see their dark sides, is a water sign after all. They are very protective of their inner world and emotions

Another thing with Pluto dominant people is that they can feel easily insecure with themselves. They don't show it to others directly, but this is how they get that jealous streak. If they feel like someone might replace them or overpower them in anyway, they will feel like they need to defend themselves, whether in career, relationship, etc. If this is undeveloped, they can even get jealous or competitive with their own partner. This doesn't always mean a bad thing, however, the healthy Pluto dominants are actually very powerful and they are very sure of themselves, not easily swayed by anything. Pluto is fixed energy, after all. If developed, they will be so powerful and people naturally feel so inspired by them. They know not to mess with them

Cancer woman have that timeless beauty about them, they can rock any styles from any era and they will look good

I personally don't like Neptune-Sun or Neptune-Ascendant aspects in synastry because the Neptune person tend to project certain fantasy onto the Sun/Ascendant person so much and when the reality hits them, they get so disappointed that they will blame the Sun/Ascendant person for "fooling them". But really, it's an unconscious thing. The Sun/Ascendant person oftentimes don't even realise that they're being so idealised

The water signs are so sexualised

I find immature Capricorns and Taurus are the people who will stay in emotionally toxic environment as long as there's money. It could be a job, toxic household, or even relationship. Like i get it, everyone love money, but it can be so emotionally and mentally draining. When they mature, they will see money more as a tool that they get to use, instead of something that they hold on to so tightly that they are willing to sacrifice their own wellbeing for

People with North node in Libra truly need to learn to compromise because i've met a lot of them who burn a lot of bridges, only to later regret it. They are so competitive and defensive and very hard to see that others are not out to get them

Mars-North node synastry can be so healing where the Mars person will show the North node person what healthy boundaries should look like. However, there might be issue where the North node person can see how different they both are when they respond to conflict, which might make themselves feel so frustrated. Their instinct will tell them to do one thing, and the Mars person will do the exact opposite

Libra Ascendant in composite will make other people perceived them as the "It" couple. This is like "Ah, they have found their soulmate". Even if they break up, people generally will be reluctant to let go of this couple. This is like your family/friends will continue to ask you about that one ex even after you guys break up for years

Taurus/Cancer moon in composite is so cute because this is like "I'll cook for you" or "I'll wait for you at home" or "I've prepared this meal for you" or "Come here and let me comfort you" type of vibe. This feels so safe and healing, like coming home. This also make other people see them like "Person A is belong to person B no matter what, only they can truly understand each other"

Capricorn placement are the true stoics even without trying. They are so resilient

Neptune in 4th house composite is that type of couple who often imagine what their “dream home” would look like even before they get married, even if they don’t plan to take the relationship seriously in the beginning. When they’re together, both will see each other as someone that they can create their dream home with. An example for this would be that one might have express something about wanting to buy a house in X city, and the other will start to imagine what the house would look like, the neighbourhood, the room for the kids, etc. Both would love the idea of this. But that’s the thing with Neptune, it’s a mere idea. In reality, both might even struggle in making this dream home come true. It's hard to put together proper plan to achieve this "dream home". However, the couple will naturally feel at home with each other, emotionally and spiritually. That’s why it’s so easy for them to imagine creating this dream home together

I find that Virgo woman are a lot of ambitious than Virgo man. A lot more critical too. Most Virgo man that i’ve met are very chill

One of my favorite aspect in synastry and composite is Pallas-Moon. Both feel nurtured and the Moon person emotional needs is fulfilled

Vertex conjunct Chiron couple mostly are destined to meet in this lifetime to learn something really hard regarding love. If one happens to have the same sign in natal chart as in composite/synastry, this will effect this person more. For example, if you have Vertex-Chiron in Libra in composite or synastry with someone and it's just so happen that you also have Libra Chiron in your natal, it'll effect you more. I'm sorry but this is definitely not my fav aspect. The mental and emotional anguish that comes with this aspect is too much. If this also conjunct Juno, it'll be so hard to leave the other person. There'll be re-traumatization again and again. You will hate their guts so much and vice versa but refused to let go of each other.

[sh0tanzz]

is it me or do i like men groveling

can i request riize second chance romance if that makes sense:’)

(ur work is amazing pls continie keeping us happy^^)

i love groveling men too it’s ok anon 😗

RIIZE SECOND CHANCE ROMANCE ~ based on their birth charts

reminder this is just based off of my opinion after looking at their birth charts and what I think would happen from my own observations these things are not exact fact unless they said it themselves !

Shotaro

SO MUCH ANGST OOOH MY GOF. Would be the most mature on the outside but on the inside he’d be ☹️☹️☹️. “I don’t even care about what she’s doing” [checked your instagram and other socials to see if you’re grieving as well or seeing someone new] He wouldn’t necessarily go out dating looking for a rebound he’d focus on his craft in all honesty and might even seclude himself a little bit. I see him taking a break with his s/o instead of just flatline breaking up and once he feels like he has emotionally healed as far as he can he’d return and it would be pretty serious like in a private closed space he’d want to talk everything out and NEEEDS you to be honest abt everything but he’d just want you guys back together and for both of you to be happy.

Eunseok

(I feel like Eunseok is aware that he could potentially fall victim to the “the one that got away” trope) but anyway. He’d be the biggest nonchalanter to ever nonchalant 😭 might even try to stay mutuals/cordial with you. Would date, see other people, have a mini roster and fwbs going on. But as soon as he realizes everyone else is boring him and wasting his oh so valuable time (And he hates. To waste his time.) he’d get so irritated at himself for letting go of such a good thing and would criticize criticIZE CRITICIZEE himself. Forces himself to not run from/internalize how he feels he’d reach out again, wouldn’t be the most sappy return ever he might even joke about what happened but he’d be as honest as he could ever be and would surprisingly admit where he fucked up.

Sungchan

His pride and the hurt he carried during the time apart would hold him back so badly. Would improve himself and boss up similar to Shotaro to show you what you were missing; try to find attention and praise elsewhere. But when he realizes you did the same thing and also became better in every way possible physically, mentally…and that people still have their eye on you like they did when he first met you..he’d cave. Would HAVE to shamefully put his hurt and pride aside. Cue his dramatic serious text at 11pm and him asking how you’re doing to see if the good things he’s heard about you were true (prays you say no when he asks if you’re seeing anyone) would ask you to meet him somewhere that was important to you two and nostalgic. Almost kills him to be wrong but has to accept it 😭

Wonbin

He’d be like “whatever” since he knows that so many girls want to be in your place, might even consider sliding back to that one ex. Would be torn between just letting things go back to normal but his stubborn stagnant attitude would leave him stuck in a victim state. But then once the pain slowlyyy seeps in and that what you two had was something genuine and you were one of few people that actually understood him and physically compatible with him then on the inside he’d lose it. Would have a wayyy more sappy lovey dovey way of coming back. Cue him using music in some way shape or form as his way of coming back. Would probably want to physically see you in a place that he’s most comfortable with.

Seunghan

So so sassy. Honestly he’d walk away pretty fast but would miss you pretty fast right after. He’d hesitate but only because he knows that he probably got a little mean when you two split and that you might not even want to talk to him. Tries to go dating around but wakes up and gets it together once he sees/hears that you’re talking to someone new (10 extra points if it’s someone he doesn’t like or thinks isn’t even close to how attractive he is ) . Tries to be cool about it but is hurting inside, would ask everyone for advice. The emotional side would take over and he’d just have to listen to how he feels and think later. His way of coming back is essentially him outdoing whoever has you on their sights or him showing you the epitome of affection. He’d have to force his virgo mercury to work and speak UP and apologize.

Sohee

Would seem pretty ok and normal compared to everyone else similarly to Eunseok. Talks about you but wants to jump someone if THEY try to talk about you. (“can’t believe she’d do this” “yea she’s crazy asf” “Don’t say that 🫤.” ). (Cue him singing “When I was your man” by Bruno Mars 😭). He wouldn’t want to constrict and limit himself or you after the breakup so he’d also try to date/talk to other people. Has to give in and accept that thinking about you while hanging out with someone else is a CLEAR indicator that he needs to get off his high horse and return. He’d probably word vomit about how he feels about everything and apologize but also goes on this passive lecture on how you two shouldn’t allow each others feelings to rip you two apart like that again and the principle of it all.

Anton

Word vomit pt.2. Could go two ways. Way one if the breakup was on good terms/mutual after the breakup he’d probably remain friends or still be in contact with you, then once he realizes he can’t just move on at the snap of his fingers and realizes that every person he’s with has resemblance to you whether it’s physical/personality he’d impulsively talk to you and get right back if he can. If it was on bad terms it’d feel pretty cruel ngl like you’d feel like he kinda just disappeared and made his way elsewhere..but once he’s alone with his thoughts he’d have to realize the errors of his way or the faults on his side he’d IMPULSIVELY come forwards with how he feels, would probably ask you to dinner and have the conversation there and says everything that he has to.

[extracurious]

Reminiscence

Still Drunken on the memories of the summer of 2023.I watched the movie almost 50 times till now but truly fatigue didn't grip me. The theatre experience was outstanding. I went there with very little expectation, of course a sequel rarely matches it's predecessor.The intro of ATSV made me think that it was not the case of waste of money or time . I got what I wished for since the trailer release.Terrific voice acting done by Shameik Moore , Hailee Steinfeld, Oscar Issac, Issa Rae, Daniel kaluuya, Karan Soni and others.

Peter B Parker and Miles carried the first movie with their most relatable energy.In second movie it was good to see Peter as a happy dad. Still he needed to be more cautious while handling Mayday amidst the multiverse madness even though she had spider powers .

Miles transformation was absolutely stunning one. He had grown, became emotionally intelligent yet he was not a pro. Still working for upgrading himself and continued learning. And we all had agreed that he always listened to his heart.

And coming to Gwen she was definitely "not okay" in ATSV ,especially not in a great position to handle her feelings. She doubted whether she had any importance or simply her existence was fragile.While Miles was always there to praise her innocence,wisdom,grace,skills and her self esteem.

I already had a notion of how their friendship was going to evolve into a much more beautiful bonding they could crave for. And yes Sony finally did it ,which was doomed for years. Congratulations to Hailee Steinfeld for brilliantly portraying Gwen Stacy and winning the Astra Awards and other accolades for her role.

Their interactions in ITSV had always a flirty tone in it which was subtly noticeable until Miles comeback in final battle. At that time there was a sudden realisation that the moments Gwen had longed for specially sharing with Miles, was going to end soon as the portal for her travelling back home had finally opened.

I was hoping to get atleast the full convo of the bus ride that had been pending since ITSV and how they managed to get the selfie. Well BTSV must provide that to us. Their moments together need to cherished everytime.

Hobie and Pavitr's friendship had been an exception. They were always jolly and supportive .

Expecting more screentime for all the members of the band in next movie. We all missed them a lot.

And this trio would be having a long talk before reconciliation. They would need to fix and thereby heal each other from the wounds suffered due to the betrayal.

Miguel had a hard time after loss of his daughter.His established theories could not be entirely wrong but his ideologies regarding cannon events should be studied and explained with more precision. He had been unaware of the actual policies of multiversal working. Cause he only depended on what "the model says- Lyla".Hoping the writers would be able to properly add the details and justify the incidents in BTSV along with the reason why Gwen glitched so less than other spideys in ITSV.

The creation of a joke villain,who being later considered as a multiversal threat,Spot's arc was indeed incredibly done by the writers. Eagerly looking forward as to how Spot can manipulate space and time and find the answers about his holes.

On other hand Miles 42- He gave a feeling of hardened, unshakeablly confident but sad at same time. Kind of aggressively caring person.

Lastly the music played a crucial role in uplifting the cinematic experience. Uniquely blending with all the characters. The ost and music tracks had been top notch, where "The falling apart " and "calling" became my favourite.A big thanks to Daniel Pemberton and Metro Boomin for making this a masterpiece.

This movie had no business going that hard.And I knew this obsession would have no end. 🥺

-extracurious

[mysterious-moonstruck-musings]

Destiny & Deliverance: Chapter 24

Destiny & Deliverance Masterlist ||| Dieter Bravo X OFC New as of 10/11/2023

SUPPORT YOUR CREATORS. REBLOGGING & COMMENTS ARE APPRECIATED.

Series Rating: Explicit (18+)

Series Summary: Natalia Cohen is experiencing major life changes, beginning with leaving an emotionally abusive husband. She is learning how to navigate life on her own while dealing with high functioning anxiety, depression, and mild PTSD. Everything is looking up for her. She is a highly respected consultant for a major LA firm, has her best friend, Lauren, by her side, and is on her path to healing. Everything changes when she meets a handsome and broken stranger on a work trip. He turns out to be a well-known actor, with a heart-breaking past. They quickly develop a connection that will forever alter their lives. 

Warnings: Themes dealing with mental health, emotional trauma, alcohol use, and discussions about suicide. There will be fluff, tears, spicy language, and smut. This will be a slow burn type of story. Read at your own risk. Chapter Warning: Heavy themes in this chapter. That is all I will say so as not to ruin anything. Feel free to reach out for more details before reading.

Chapter Quote: "Why? Are you afraid you might actually feel something?

In the days that followed Gabby’s visit, I couldn’t shake off her obvious concern for her brother’s wellbeing, or the details of what he had been up to. Before our conversation, I was doing well to keep my thoughts about him at bay. But now, images of his darkened eyes and broken appearance would creep in when I was least expecting it. Knowing he was unwilling to engage with Gabby and Alex was the biggest red flag of them all. It made me question whether he was doing okay. Knowing that the answer was most likely a “no”, weighed heavily on me. Even so, it felt like none of it mattered anymore. There was nothing I could do to change his behavior or help him. If there was one thing he had made clear during our unexpected encounter, it was that he did not care about my thoughts or feelings any longer.

The constant pressure of these new intrusive thoughts caused me to further throw myself into my work. It was one of the few things that I could control in my life. Working overtime nearly every day was starting to wear me out, but it was exactly what I needed to stay distracted at all times. I reasoned that if I decided to take a new position, everything had to be in order. Therefore, I poured myself in making sure there would be detailed instructions for whoever would be taking over my duties. 

It was 6 PM and I was two hours into preparing a detailed account audit report when I heard the downstairs door open, followed by Lauren yelling to announce herself. I called back to let her know I was in my office, where she appeared a little later holding two coffees from our favorite local spot. Without a word, she walked in and set one down on the desk beside my laptop. I glanced up at her, surprised by her unexpected visit, and by the fact she came bearing gifts in the form of sugar and caffeine.

“Thanks for not scaring this shit out of me this time,” I said with a smile as I reached for the coveted beverage and took a sip. She laughed nervously. I eyed her, picking up on her weird vibes.

“Alright, what’s going on?” I asked as I leaned back in my chair.

“Nothing is going on… per se.”

“If this is about that infamous stray cat...” I trailed off as I raised a questioning eyebrow at her.

“What ca… oooh no. No, the cat is a non-issue. He’s been good the last few days.” A wide grin spread across her face.

“One of these days, I do hope you’ll clarify what you’re talking about in reference to that cat…because I’m pretty sure it’s not an actual cat.”

I had a sneaking suspicion that she was seeing someone, I just didn’t know who. It was probably someone I didn’t know, and I figured she was keeping it to herself for now given that my relationship with Dieter had just ended. While I would be excited for her to have met someone, I knew she would feel bad about being in a happy relationship. Even though she had no reason to feel that way. That was Lauren logic 101.

Lauren chewed on the inside of her cheek as she thought of a reply, finally responding with, “I don’t know what you’re talking about. I told you; it was a stray. He’s just hanging out until I figure out what to do with him.”

Her intense inspection of her fingernails as she spoke was a dead giveaway though. Clearly, she didn’t want to look at me directly, afraid that she just might give something away. I rolled my eyes at her and shrugged. She quickly changed the subject.

“So, as you know, next week is our birthday week…” She paused as she gave me a mischievous smile, letting the anticipation build up.

Given that our birthdays were four days apart, she had always used it as an excuse to celebrate for the full week rather than the usual one day a year.

“Yeah, what of it?” I eyed her dubiously.

I wasn’t sure if I was in the mood for any of her crazy plans this year. Two years ago, she conned me into doing indoor skydiving as a way to loosen up and have fun, which resulted in me getting a busted lip. I vowed to never let her drag me into anything like that again. Last year I managed to avoid the epic week of celebration due to the whole divorce fiasco, but apparently, she was not going to give me that courtesy this year. 

“I found a place that’s having a karaoke team competition next weekend. It’s 90’s themed, so it’s right up our alley.”

She gave me a hopeful, yet nervous smile as she awaited my response.

I couldn’t help but scoff at her as I gave her a skeptical look. “You want me to do karaoke? We haven’t done that since college.”

“Exactly! We haven’t, and we used to have so much fun. We also kicked ass at it. I think we could totally win.”

The excitement was visible on her face as she spoke.

“Fucking hell. You said it’s a team though. How many on a team?” I asked, hoping there might be a way out of this.

“We only need three people for three rounds. Kerrie already said she’s in.”

“Kerrie? Of course she did...” I dropped my head, laughing in defeat. I knew she wasn’t going to let this go. 

“So, what would we win? I wanna know what I’m about to sell my soul for.” I took a drink of my coffee as I continued to weigh my options on how to get out of this predicament.

“There are a few choices, but the one I am shooting for is the spa day. It’s the most expensive package too!”

“Here’s a thought… how about we skip the karaoke and go straight for the spa day. I’ll pay for it. My treat!” I suggested hopefully, but she shook her head, looking like a petulant child with crossed arms and a scowl on her face. 

“No. A spa birthday isn’t fun…it’s relaxing. We can do that later. I want some actual fun for our birthdays. It’s been way too long, and we can all use it.”

I gave her a skeptical look, “We have two very different definitions of fun.” I chuckled as she rolled her eyes at me.

“Come on. It’s just one song…five minutes or less of your life that will give us wonderful memories for years to come.” Her hopeful smile had returned.

“Exactly, that’s my concern”. I sighed, figuring that I’d better choose my battles wisely. “Ok, fine. No breakup songs for me though. I refuse.”

She squealed as she clapped her hands together and bounced up and down in the seat. She then proceeded to start throwing out song ideas, starting with her favorite Shania Twain song.

“Look, if we’re gonna do this, don’t be picking stuff that everybody else is gonna pick. I guarantee everyone and their mother will sing that damn Man, I Feel Like a Woman song.”

She pouted, “Yeah, you’re probably right. Fine, I’ll come up with an epic playlist for us. Don’t worry.” 

I scoffed as I finished my coffee, shaking my head at her, “Please. All I do is worry when it comes to your scheming plans.”

She gave me a disapproving glare as she raised her hand to flip me off, which caused me to laugh.

The next week flew by in a blur. Kerrie had been excitedly talking about our girl’s night out all week, in the process recruiting Elizabeth and Aubrey to join us as our official hype squad. It was turning into a whole thing at this point. Lauren was taking it to the extreme, which didn’t come as a surprise. She had sent a text to let me know that she had wardrobe plans for us all. She was always so extra.

When Saturday afternoon hit, Lauren came rushing upstairs in a flurry with arms full of bags. Kerrie arrived soon after as Lauren was digging through my closet in search of items she knew were hidden in there somewhere. I let her do her thing as I wrapped up my work and chatted with Kerrie. Once Lauren found what she was looking for, she started laying out our assigned outfits in stacks on the bed. As I watched her, I realized that I had never felt less excited about something as I did right now. After she had everything sorted, she instructed us to get dressed.

There was definitely some serious 90’s nostalgia going on with the clothes she had picked out for us. My outfit consisted of black ripped skinny jeans, combined with stacked heel lace up boots like the pair I used to own, and a white ribbed tank. To top it off, she had grabbed my black leather jacket and a bright purple skinny scarf. Even the accessories were accounted for: a black leather wrap bracelet and black leather cuff, giving the perfect finish to my look. I was also given explicit instructions to wear my hair down in loose waves.

She put Kerrie in a black spaghetti strap midi dress with combat boots, lots of bracelets, a choker necklace, and deep wine-colored leather jacket. Kerrie was instructed to wear her hair down to rock some tight messy curls. Lauren dressed herself in a dark blue mesh floral high-waisted midi skirt with a white crop top, a light blue cardigan, black choker necklace, and black Mary Janes. She wore her hair down and straight.

I stood looking at the two of them as they added the last of their accessories, shaking my head. 

“I feel like I’m in the twilight zone. Why are we doing this again?”

“Because it’s gonna be fun,” Lauren assured me as she moved to touch up her makeup. “Relax, you’ll be fine. You sing well, so you have nothing to worry about.”

Once again, I was second guessing my decision to go along with this. I felt ridiculous. The other two, however, were more than excited to make up for my lack of enthusiasm.

We took an Uber to the bar where this whole shindig was supposed to go down. The place was huge and packed to the brim with people, which only amped up my anxiety further. At least we were not the only ones who had embraced the 90’s theme; everywhere you looked, people were sporting nostalgic outfits and accessories, which made us blend in easily.

We found Aubrey and Elizabeth inside, seated at a large table near the front of the stage. Lauren’s co-workers from her shop, Nicole and Stephanie, also joined us soon after our arrival, making our table a more sizable party than I had been expecting. We sat chatting amongst ourselves as a server came around to take our drink orders, I promptly ordered a whiskey, which seemed to catch Lauren’s attention.

“What are you doing?” she asked immediately, her tone laced with concern.

“If you want me to do this shit, I’m gonna need at least two of those…maybe three. I’m fine. It’s to relax, not to drown in my sorrows... Not yet, anyway.”  She gave me a doubtful look, but let it go. I was finishing off my first round when the karaoke host took center stage, hyping up the crowd for the first-round category of 90’s classic Pop Songs. A girl from Team One, a couple of tables down, was the first to hop on stage and opened with Man, I Feel Like a Woman.

I glanced over at Lauren, “What did I tell you?”

She rolled her eyes at me. A girl from Team Two was introduced as performing the same song. Her excitement seemed slightly deflated now that someone else had already performed her song. I looked over at Lauren again. Before I could even raise an eyebrow, she shook her head and flipped me the bird. She hated it when I was right.  

Lauren was up next. She had chosen to sing Christina Aguilera’s What a Girl Wants, which was a solid choice for her. She sounded great, definitely better than the other two. With her buzz kicking in, she wasn’t afraid to work the crowd and throw in some dance moves. Our whole group cheered her on while Kerrie recorded everything on her phone. I think it was safe to say that she absolutely won that round.

The category for round two was rock. Team One started it off with a very drunk gentleman giving Nirvana’s Smells Like Teen Spirit a go. It was terrible and he didn’t even bother to try and get the lyrics right.

During his performance, I leaned over to Lauren, “Pray tell what category you have me singing in please?” Her eyes got a little wider before she said, “What? You want another drink you say? I’ll go get that for you!”

She disappeared toward the bar while I glanced over at Kerrie in confusion. She shrugged. “Do you know what you’re singing?” I asked her.

“Yeah, I picked it myself. She didn’t tell you what she picked for you?” she yelled over the music.

I shook my head from side to side, “Do you know?”

It was her turn to shake her head as Team Two got started on their song. They busted out Red Hot Chili Peppers’ Californication. The guy killed it and was going to be hard to beat. Lauren came back just as he was midway through the song and handed me another whiskey, then immediately went to the other end of the table to talk to one of the girls she works with. She was avoiding me. Fuck. That didn’t bode well for me. 

When it was Kerrie’s turn, she didn’t seem concerned at all. In fact, she was cool as a cucumber and psyched up as she made her way to the stage. Lauren came back over to stand next to me and hooked her arm with mine as she started recording on her phone with her other hand. Neither of us had ever heard Kerrie sing, so we didn’t know what to expect. 

The host announced Kerrie would be singing Meredith Brooks, Bitch. Our whole table started whooping and whistling as the music started. As soon as she opened her mouth, we all absolutely lost our shit. She sounded amazing and had the rocker chick vibes down.

Lauren looked over at me, “We are totally fucking winning this!” as she started dancing along to the music and yelling, “Yaaaaas bitch” toward the stage. Kerrie worked the stage and the crowd like no one else had. On the "I'm a bitch, I'm a tease, I'm a goddess on my knees” line she did a seductive roll and wiggle of her hips that sent the place into a frenzy. Once she was finished, she did a dramatic bow before exiting the stage and running over to our table.

As Kerrie approached us, she announced, “I guess this would be a good time to tell you guys that I was in a rock band in college.”

We all started laughing and scolding her for holding that information back. It certainly would have taken some stress off Lauren to know that.

I was taken out of the celebratory spirit when the host announced the category for round three. I could feel my stomach drop when he said “90’s Love Songs.” My head snapped toward Lauren who froze as she was raising a glass to her lips.

“Love songs? Are you fucking kidding me?” The frustration was clear on my face.

She lowered her glass and set it on the table, “Hey, you just said no breakup songs. It’s not a breakup song. Also, your voice is amazing, and you’ll be going last which means it’ll be the freshest on their minds. I do not regret my decision.” She shrugged.

“Yeah, well, I do. This is not a good idea.” I said, shaking my head.

“Why? Are you afraid you might actually feel something?” She raised an eyebrow at me, daring me to say the truth.     

I drew my brows down together at her words. I didn’t know how to respond. I let out a loud huff and walked away toward the bar, immediately ordering another whiskey. I sat staring at the swirls in the wood grain as I listened to a decent rendition of K-Ci & JoJo’s All My Life play behind me. I could feel my heart racing as I downed the whiskey and asked for another. Halfway through Bon Jovi’s Always, I got up and made my way back toward the front.

Everyone at the table stared at me in silence. Lauren looked like she was stuck between feelings of anger and fear of what was about to happen. I finished off my latest glass and took my jacket off as the current song ended. I still didn’t even know which song she had picked for me to sing, which was probably a good thing. Having time to dwell on it wouldn’t help.

The host called me up. As I was walking, he announced the song, Shania Twain's, You’ve Got a Way. Looks like she still got her fucking Shania Twain song in. I let out a slow breath, followed by a low “fuck” as I took the microphone from the guy. He gave me a questioning look and I returned it with a tight smile. I was feeling a little unsteady on my feet by this point, so I walked over to grab a stool that was sitting to the side of the stage, brought it out to the middle, and took a seat. I nodded at the DJ, who cued up the music. The words appeared on a TV screen that hung on the front of the upstairs balcony, but I didn’t need them. I knew this one.

(If you would like to give the song a listen while you read, it is linked below... Fic continues after the jump.)

I focused on the back wall at first, attempting to let autopilot mode kick in, but it wasn’t happening. I didn’t make it far before the memories of Dieter started to flash through my mind. It started on the first verse, but the chorus is what hit me the hardest. Each time I repeated it, I was hit with a new memory. I was left feeling raw and exposed as the song went on. 

It's in the way you want me

Dieter standing in the doorway between our suites, admitting he couldn’t stop thinking about kissing me… running his hands along my collarbone as we watched that stupid zombie movie… standing in front of me in the kitchen, running his hands up my thighs. 

It's in the way you hold me

Dieter holding me in his arms every night as we slept…always grabbing my hand tightly to ease my anxiety… swaying slowly with his arms around me as we danced in Sonoma.  

The way you show me just what love's made of

Dieter always being positive and supportive of everything I did… doing all the things that Justin never would… planning the perfect weekend away in Sonoma and trusting me with his past so that he could move on from it. 

It's in the way we make love

Our intense emotional connection during our last night together in New York…our first night back together after the club… our intimate nights together in Sonoma.

I could feel the energy shift in the room around me. The tension was palpable as the emotion started to crack my voice a little bit. I could feel the tears pooling in my eyes and it was taking everything in me to hold them back.

Oh, how I adore you, Like no one before you, I love you just the way you are.

That line finally broke me. A tear slowly slid down my cheek as I realized I would never feel that way about anyone again. I would never be able to let him go. I kept my eyes focused on the wall in the back of the room, trying to keep the sobs from escaping my lips as I finished up the last repeat of the chorus.

Once the song came to an end, it was completely silent in the room for a time. Then applause slowly broke out. I quickly wiped at my face before exiting the stage and walking directly over to the bar, ordering another drink. I sat with my face in my hands as the bartender slid another round in front of me. I could hear the host behind me giving instructions to the crowd about how to vote online. I tried to drown it out as I stared at the wood grain on the bar again.

Out of my periphery, I could see Lauren take a few tentative steps toward me. I looked up at her, unsure if I was pissed or not. She reached up and put her hand on my shoulder and gave me a sympathetic look.

“I’m sorry, I honestly wasn’t expecting that kind of reaction from you.”

“What the hell kind of reaction did you expect?” I turned my body to face her, the frustration clear on my face. I was angry at her, but at the same time I knew that my struggle wasn’t her fault. She wasn’t trying to get me upset intentionally.

“I dunno, I just thought it might make you reconsider things. I wasn’t expecting tears.”  She gave me a pouty look, “I’m sorry. I should have consulted with you about it.” 

I let out a slow breath, “Don’t worry about it. I guess that part is on me.”

She gave me a weak smile, “If it makes you feel better, I don’t think there was a dry eye in the house after that.”   

I gave her a tight-lipped smile as I raised my glass for another drink, finishing it off quickly, “I think I’m gonna head home. I’ll talk to you tomorrow,” I decided. I was feeling agitated from all the noise and just wanted to be at home where it was considerably quieter.

“You mean you’re not gonna stay for the results?” She looked disappointed, but I needed to get away and clear my head before I went into a full spiral again.

I knitted my brows together as I shook my head from side to side. She pulled me in for a tight hug, “Shoot me a text and let me know how it goes, yeah?” She gave me a small nod as she pulled away. I followed her back over to our table to grab my jacket and phone. I waved bye to everyone before heading outside and getting an uber.

The memories came rushing in during my ride home. I couldn’t stop them no matter how hard I tried. I managed to keep it together until I walked into the house. As soon as I shut the door behind me, I leaned against it and slid down to the floor. The tears came flooding out between sobs as I mourned the loss of what we had and the possibilities of what we could have had. It was something that I hadn’t fully allowed myself to do.  

I sat crying for some time before I heard my phone vibrate on the floor beside me. I wiped my face as I tried to catch my breath. I reached for my phone and found a text from Lauren.

LAUREN: We totally kicked ass. Let me know when you’re ready for that spa day we earned!

ME: Excited to hear that. I’m ready when you are!

My response conveyed more excitement than I felt. I couldn’t have cared less at that moment. I sighed as I pulled myself up off the floor and moved to get ready for bed. I still felt slightly buzzed after laying down, but somehow managed to fall asleep soon after.

I woke up around 6 AM the next morning, feeling like death. I stumbled into the bathroom and splashed some warm water over my face. My eyes looked slightly swollen from crying, so I held a warm rag against them for a few minutes, which seemed to help some. I decided to go for a run, just to have a mindless task to keep me busy. I got dressed in my workout gear, pulled my messy hair back into a ponytail, and walked outside. It was a little chilly and I noticed everything was still covered in light morning dew as I put my air pods in and started my playlist. I took off in a jog in the opposite direction of Dieter’s house, toward the more populated area of town. The streets were still mostly empty at this hour on a Sunday morning. Many of the businesses either weren’t open yet or were closed for the day. It was an eerie calm that somehow filled me with a dreaded sense of foreboding.

As I was trying to push that feeling to the back of my mind, I rounded the corner of one of the local businesses and crashed into someone. I stumbled backwards slightly and looked down in time to see one of my air pods falling from my ear. Somehow, I managed to catch it as I regained my footing, swaying for a moment as my head still reeled from last night’s drinks. I was apologizing for my clumsiness before I even had a chance to see who I had bumped into, trying to catch my breath. “Fuck, sorry, I –”, I blurted out, looking up to see who I had crashed into. I was met by two dark eyes staring back at me in confusion. It was the same eyes that had been on my mind last night during karaoke. Dieter.

His eyes were watery and bloodshot, but surprisingly alert for the early hour. He stared at me blankly for a moment before he knitted his brows together, the set of his jaw tensing as he looked me up and down. He didn’t move or speak, but I could tell his breathing seemed to become shallower the longer he stood there, reminding me of how he looked after the first time I woke him from his nightmare on my couch. I couldn’t bear to see him like this.

I could feel my face tighten as we both held each other’s gaze. Something deep in the pit of my stomach stirred, opening up and threatening to swallow me whole. I could feel my entire body tense as my emotions threatened to spill out. The memories flashed through my mind; everything from last night, the conversation with Gabby, our encounter at the restaurant, the way he had sounded on the phone that night when he ended things, and a whole slew of moments from the time we had spent together before everything fell apart. I couldn’t do this. I couldn’t unbridle my emotions and fall apart here in front of him. With effort I tore my gaze away from him and took a deep breath, digging my nails into the palm of the hand which held my air pod. The pain helped me snap out of my thoughts long enough to decide on my next move. Before I lost my nerve, I put the air pod back in my ear, stepped around him, and continued jogging at my previous pace. I was almost certain I could feel his eyes on my back until I was finally out of sight.

I cut my run short and headed back in the direction of my house, trying to shake off the numb feeling that was starting to overtake me. What the hell was he doing out this early? Where had he been? Or where was he going? I slowed to a brisk walk as I turned onto my street, thinking through the businesses that were near where I had bumped into him. There was a 24-hour convenience store nearby. Maybe he was going there?

My phone buzzed with a text from Lauren, which surprised me considering her late-night activities - it was barely 8 AM. The screen lit up with her message when I unlocked the phone.

LAUREN: Call me as soon as you’re up, please.

That didn’t sound good. As if I needed something else to worry about right now. I sighed as I punched in the lock code to my front door. Once I was inside, I called her.

“Hello?” She sounded nervous.   

“What’s up?” I asked as I wiped the sweat off my forehead with my sleeve before grabbing a bottle of water out of the refrigerator.

“Ummmm, I’m going to assume you haven’t seen any of the gossip sites today, have you?”

I sighed as I sat down at the kitchen table, switching to speaker phone so I had my hands free to open the bottle. I had a feeling I already knew where this was going.

“No, do I even need to ask why?”

Lauren was silent for a minute, “There are videos from last night. Like, a lot of fucking videos.”

I wished I could say that I was surprised, but I really wasn’t. I suddenly felt a wave of nausea run through me. “You have got to be fucking kidding me.” I leaned my head into one of my hands as I let out a long breath, “I actually thought we were past all that shit.”

I heard Lauren suck air between her teeth before she spoke, “Well, they’re making a big deal out of you being emotional. They’re reading between the lines and running with it.”

I squeezed the bridge of my nose, “I knew I shouldn’t have fucking gone last night. I can’t believe I let you talk me into it.”

I could hear Lauren shuffling around on her end. “You know what, it needed to happen,” she then said matter of factly.

I pulled my hand away from my face, feeling a little stunned at her tone. “Excuse me?”

“You heard me. You’ve been giving off the impression that you’re fine and have moved on when you haven’t. I know you haven’t. I can tell you're still hurting, even if you won’t admit it to yourself. He needs to see that. He needs to know what he did to you.” She paused briefly. “If this is a way for that to happen, then so be it.”

For the first time ever, Lauren had literally stunned me into silence.

I scoffed, “I don’t even know what to say to that.”

“Good. Don’t say anything because I don’t want to hear any more excuses. You need to get your head out of your ass and stop avoiding everything,” she said in a rush.

I could hear her take a deep breath before she continued in an oddly pleasant tone, “Now, I have things to do. I’m gonna let you go. I’ll text you later.”

I couldn’t help but to chuckle at her abrupt change in attitude, “Oook, I look forward to your text.”

“Ok. Good. Bye.”

She hung up without giving me the chance to say goodbye. That was just as bizarre as the cat thing. What the hell has gotten into that girl?

I sat staring at the wall, my right hand tapping on my left shoulder, thinking through what she said. Had he seen those videos? Is that why he was looking at me like that? I couldn’t tell if he was upset, mad, or high on something. Was I the asshole for not even trying to talk to him? Why would I, after the way he talked to me last time? I had so many conflicting thoughts and feelings running through my mind, I didn’t know how to process it all.

What I did know is that I couldn’t keep running into him like that. It was too much and wasn’t going to help with the healing process. I know Lauren would say I was avoiding the issue, but I needed to be away from him. Somehow, I needed to start over. For the first time since Carrington had offered me the new position, I was leaning toward an answer. Silicon Valley was beginning to feel less like an opportunity, and more like the escape I desperately needed.

My phone buzzed on the table, breaking me away from my thoughts. It was a text from Kerrie.

KERRIE: Just so you know, videos from last night are literally everywhere.

I sighed. A second text from her came through with a link to a TMZ article. I opened it, noting the time stamp was late last night, with several updates added since. I hit play on one of the many videos of me singing. I almost didn’t recognize myself. The look on my face was clearly that of someone fighting off emotions. I didn’t look or sound bad, but it was hard to watch without it evoking some type of sad emotion - without it bringing up everything that I had been feeling last night and just now when I had run into Dieter. I stopped it before it got to the end and closed the browser window. The last thing I needed right now was to relive that minor breakdown.

There was another video, taken from a distance, of me drinking at the bar before I went up on stage, and another of me at the bar right after when I had been trying to compose myself. The article that accompanied the videos was all pure speculation, suggesting that I was upset about being jilted by one of the biggest stars in Hollywood. I mean, it wasn’t wrong, but they couldn’t possibly know that for sure. I rolled my eyes and tossed my phone back down on the table. On top of everything that was going on, the burden of not being able to go anywhere without being recorded and photographed was suffocating me. It would be one thing if Dieter and I were still together, but we were not. I didn’t understand why they wouldn’t let it go already. Yet another reason to go somewhere else for a fresh start. There’s no way I could possibly be happy here under these conditions.

Trying to keep the anxiety at bay, I took a few deep breaths to calm myself, then got up to make a quick breakfast. Afterwards, I showered and settled in for a day of work in my home office. I still had a lot of prep work to do and loose ends to tie up if I was going to accept that job. The hours seemed to melt into each other as they flew by, and before I knew it, the sun was setting as darkness filled the room. Once my laptop was the only source of light, I finally got up to turn on a couple of lamps. As I was about to sit back down at my desk, my phone lit up with an incoming call.

My breath caught in my throat when I saw the name that appeared on the screen. Guy from the Bar. I still hadn’t changed it from what he had entered into my contacts all those months ago. Unable to move at first, I stared at my phone, debating whether to answer the call, until something in my gut told me I needed to.

I could feel every muscle in my body tense as I hit the answer button. “Dieter?” 

A deep sigh sounded on the other end of the line before he spoke. “I… I’m surprised you answered.”

His voice sounded rough; the words slurred, throwing the cadence off. He spoke too slow, too laced with whatever he was intoxicated with. I could feel a lump forming in my throat as I listened to him. It took everything I had to control my emotions.

“I assumed you wouldn’t call if you didn’t have a reason.” My legs suddenly felt weak as I sat down at the desk, clutching the phone in my hand.

“I just wanted to…I’m sorry... I… I don’t know what I’m doing. I just want it to stop.” He spoke quickly, his words jumbling together as his voice shook. I could hear a quiet whimper coming from him as his words trailed off.

The nauseous feeling from earlier came back with a vengeance. I felt sick to my stomach, and I could feel a tightness forming in my chest. He didn’t sound right. Something was wrong. Very wrong. “What are you talking about? You want what to stop?”

“The thoughts… feelings.” His breath hitched, then he continued. “It’s just too much. I’ve fucked it all up. All of it. It’s all…” He was quieter now, his voice sounding strained, the words still slurred in a blur of what sounded like tears. Panic began to rise in my chest.

“Where are you? Are you at home?” I stood up, moving to my bedroom to quickly pull on some clothes instead of the pajamas I was wearing. It stayed quiet on the other end of the line. He wasn’t answering me, but I could still hear him breathing.

“Dieter, answer me. Are you at home?” I asked again, trying to not let the panic overflow into my voice. He mumbled something that sounded like there could have been a yes in there somewhere. Then there was a thud, it sounded like he dropped the phone. I could hear a quiet groan in the background, then nothing else but silence. I yelled his name several times, internally begging for him to answer me, but I got no response.

I slid on some sandals and grabbed my keys as I rushed downstairs to the garage, dialing Gabby as I got into my car. When she picked up the phone after a few rings, I didn’t even give her a chance to finish her greeting before I spoke.

“Gabby, something’s wrong. Meet me at Dieter’s house. Do you have a key?”

“Yes, I’m on my way. What happened?” I could hear rustling in the background and the jingle of her keys. She quickly yelled at her husband that something was wrong with Dieter, and she had to leave, followed by the sound of a door slamming before he could respond to her.

“I don’t know. He called me and wasn’t making any sense, then stopped responding… I think he passed out. I’ll see you there in a few,” I said as I pulled out of my driveway. I ended the call before she could reply, realizing that my hands were shaking, and that I needed all my focus to drive over to Dieter’s place.

I was at his house within minutes. Once I parked, I ran to the front door and knocked, then banged on the door when I didn’t get a response right away. The lights were on, but there was no movement inside the house. I tried the doorknob, surprised when I realized it was unlocked. For a moment I hesitated, afraid of what I would find, then pushed the door all the way open and went inside.

As I stepped into the entryway, I was met with an eerie silence. I called out to Dieter, but there was no response. I could feel my breathing going shallow as I walked toward the living room, bracing myself for several possible scenarios. The space was littered with empty and broken liquor bottles, shards covering every surface. The bright orange color of prescription bottles scattered all over the coffee table immediately caught my attention. The place wasn’t just a mess, it was absolutely wrecked. My heart was beating out of my chest, and I could hear the blood pumping in my ears as I took in the sights, still not seeing Dieter. I couldn’t find my voice to say anything, so I just walked further into the living room, desperately hoping to find him.

I nearly slid on the floor as I realized I had stepped into something wet. I followed the trail of spilled liquid, then spotted Dieter lying on the floor behind the couch. His phone was next to him in a puddle of spilled tequila. The mostly empty glass bottle laid near the phone.

My breathing stopped when I saw how pale he looked, and I rushed over to him, mentally shoving down the barrage of emotions that threatened to cloud my mind. None of that mattered.  All I cared about was making sure he would be okay. “D? Dieter, I’m here. Can you hear me?” I dropped to my knees next to him and pressed my hands against his face, tilted his head to try to gauge whether he was responsive. He was cold and clammy, not at all like the usual body heat he would radiate. Once again, I forced myself to stay calm and called his name a few more times, shaking him gently to see if that would stir him. “Please don’t do this. Wake up. Dieter, stay with me.” His eyes opened slightly, unfocused and looking vacantly up to the ceiling, then closed again. His breathing remained irregular, barely audible. It was a terrifying sight, seeing him immobile and unresponsive like this.

With effort I managed to turn him onto his side, knowing that was the safest position for him in case he needed to vomit - the last thing we needed was for him to choke on it. “Dieter. Dieter, you have to wake up,” I tried again, slipping my index and middle finger just to the side of his Adam’s apple to check his pulse. It was weak but still present, and I heaved a sigh of relief. Before I could do anything else, I heard someone barge into the house, and I recognized Gabby’s voice calling her brother’s name and mine.

“Over here!”, I yelled, and a few seconds later she stumbled into the living room, freezing in her spot when she saw us on the floor. “No. Dieter!”, she cried, tears in her eyes as stared at her unconscious brother.

“Gabby, listen. Take a breath,” I rushed to tell her before she could do anything else. “He’s got a pulse, but we need to get him to a hospital. I think he has alcohol poisoning.” 

Her breathing had started to turn into short, stuttered breaths, and I could see her unravel as she started hyperventilating, eyes fixed on Dieter. “He…”

“Gabby? Gabby,” I kept my voice calm but stern as I called her until her eyes landed on me, and I gave her a reassuring nod. “You need to focus, I can’t do this by myself. Take a breath.” She shook her head as she pulled herself together, her hands trembling as she reached for her phone. “I’ll call 911,” she said, dialing the number. “They…-”

“No, it’ll take too long for them to get here,” I interrupted her, knowing we did not have the luxury of time considering the state he was in. “We need to take him now, ok? Go pull your car up to the front and get back in here, we’ll get him there.”

She left and I tried to wake Dieter again, cradling his body against mine, but he remained unresponsive. Looking around, I remembered the pills on the table. I could see the lids were popped off some of them, but they still looked mostly full. Aside from them and the many shattered bottles of alcohol, there didn’t seem to be any other substances laying around. At least that was a relief.

When Gabby came back into the room, I instructed her to grab the prescription bottles just in case he had taken them. It would be helpful to the doctors to know what was potentially in his system. She threw them in her purse before running over to us, helping me get him off the floor.

With sheer force and adrenaline, we were able to lift him - each of us with one of his arms wrapped around our necks as we steadied him around his middle, carefully getting him out to Gabby’s car as fast as we possibly could. “Dieter, your sister’s here. We’ve got you; we’re taking you the hospital,” I said to him, knowing he probably wouldn’t be able to respond. I wanted him to know we were here and that we were getting him help.

Gabby helped me hoist him into the back seat of her car. I climbed in, making sure that he could safely lay across my lap while remaining on his side. When we got him situated, she closed the door and rushed over to the driver’s seat, hopping in as she set a straight course for the highway while calling her other brother.

Hearing Alex’s voice over the Bluetooth seemed to steady her for a moment, and she immediately filled him in on what was going on. “Where do we take him? What’s the nearest hospital?”

Alex said her name, gently urging her to calm down. “What are his symptoms?”

“Uneven breathing, clammy, weak pulse, unresponsive,” I answered instead of her. “Only opened his eyes for a second. I found him in a puddle of tequila, and he may have taken some prescription drugs.”

“Got it. You need to get him to the ER right away. USC Verdugo is probably closest”, Alex suggested, reassuring Gabby that he knew several of the doctors. “I’ll call ahead and let them know you’re coming in. I’ll meet you there soon.”

Once we got off the phone with Alex, it was strangely quiet in the car for a few minutes as we both tried to gather our thoughts. I could hear Gabby taking deep breaths before she spoke up, her breathing starting to stutter slightly, “How bad is alcohol poisoning?”

I met her glistening eyes in the rearview mirror, my heart aching for her. “It can be bad,” I said honestly, trying to keep my voice calm. I hated being blunt during a moment of crisis, but there was no way I was going to beat around the bush. Tears were rolling down my cheeks as I lightly ran my fingers through Dieter’s hair, touching his face every now and then to check if he was becoming more responsive - but that wasn’t the case. At this point, I wasn’t sure how much longer I could hold it together.

It probably took us about fifteen minutes to get to the ER, but it felt much longer as I watched his condition worsen. His breathing was becoming so irregular that I was afraid I would have to try and do CPR in the car. As soon as we pulled up in front of the ER entrance, the vehicle was swarmed with hospital staff, pulling Dieter out of the car and onto a gurney. Several nurses immediately assessed his condition while one placed a medical resuscitator bag over his nose and mouth, then they wheeled him inside, leaving us behind.

As Gabby and I went through the sliding doors, we were joined by Alex and Lauren who had been waiting in the lobby. For a moment it struck me as odd that Lauren was there, but I couldn’t exactly process any thoughts regarding that. Down the hallway, we saw Dieter getting wheeled to the rear doors that led him further into the ER. That was the final straw that broke me, along with the knowledge that I didn’t need to be strong for him anymore. It was finally safe for me to fall apart. The lightheadedness from earlier returned with a new intensity. I gasped for air as I sank down to the floor, starting to sob uncontrollably. All the fears and emotions so tightly packed into my chest came pouring out at last. My vision was blurred momentarily by a rush of tears, then blackness sank in around the edges, slowly pulling me under. A/N: Y'all ready to stone me to death? Is it better or worse than you thought it was going to be? 🥴

No, he doesn't die. Happy ending, remember? This is the start of his recovery. It's going to be a long and rough road for both of them...but it is slowly uphill from here. How about that song? I felt like it summed up Talia'a feelings pretty well and was a solid choice. I listened to that shit on repeat while I wrote this chapter. Pretty sure my sanity is in question at this point. We now have confirmation about the cat. A lot of you were right, it is indeed Alex. Are we excited about that or no? Let me know how you're feeling after reading this. Do we need a support group meeting? 👀😬 I am currently working on the next chapter. It's going slow, so I don't have an ETA on it yet. I want to make sure I get the next few parts right as they cover some very tough topics. I'll let you know when I'm getting close to finishing though. Lastly, a quick thank you to @for-a-longlongtime for doing all the beta work and suffering through it with me. It's better and more heart wrenching thanks to her. 🤭 As usual, I have included the chapter mood board below. Next Chapter

Tag List: @rhoorl @bitchwitch1981 @readingiskeepingmegoing @runningmom94 @for-a-longlongtime @hisandsnakes @chaoticfestninja @survivingandenduring @partyofone3413 @cakipy-blog @titlee78 @poodlebae @guelyury @missladym1981 @maried01 @alokaerza @samiamproductions @misstokyo7love @themonadiaries-blog @madnessofadaydreamer @darkheartgatita @avastrasposts @weho2kcmo @harriedandharassed @tkchaos @pedrostories

Let me know in the comments below if you would like to be added to the tag list.

[bootlegramdomneess]

The Bear Season 2 thoughts

After watching The Bear season 2 and letting things marinate, I think I’d like to share my thoughts. First, as a therapist, for me this show perfectly depicts trauma and its effects in its most raw form. It was so uncomfortable and heartbreaking to watch at times, I felt like one of the themes of this season is sacrifice. What are you willing to sacrifice to A. Discover your purpose and B. is it worth sacrificing so much for success? I saw this theme numerous times throughout the season particularly with the Star convo and from Chef Luca when Marcus asked if it is all worth it and the convo Carmy had with uncle Jimmy about the story of failure

 The Xmas episode: This was hard to watch. I had to keep pausing it. Donna is so dysregulated and disturbed. But what I really want to discus and Mikey and Carmy’s dynamic. Mikey is so troubled. He is so unwell. Mikey is Carmy’s hero, but I think Carmy doesn’t see how deeply troubled his brother is. Mikey admires Carmy so much because Carmy was brave enough to get away from the family to pursue his dreams. So heartbreaking.  SO MUCH DYSFUNCTION.

 Claire- Her character wasn’t fully developed, but I feel like maybe it was done purposefully. We are seeing her through Carmy’s eyes and Carmy doesn’t seem to really know how he feels about her, or know her.  He says he’s in love after being forced to choose a feeling, but really he’s only just connected with her. I think perhaps he is equating that feeling of enjoying being with her with love, or maybe even having sex with her with love. He latched onto Claire because she is good at comforting him. Many people who come from dysfunction struggle with this and will latch onto people who appear to be good at this.  He’s with her because he thinks, oh, this is fun and normal. He used the term seeking “FUN” but he is searching for normality without a clue as to what normal is. Even deeper, he’s searching for a true path to becoming a healthy adult.

  Carmy: I empathize with him so much.  I do see Carmy has made some progress. His insight has improved a bit as he recognizes how much trauma he has experienced and how it has manifested in his adult life.  He is trying. He is seeking to change. He has recognized the need to be less emotionally inhibited. His judgement is a little impaired though. He sort of thrives In Chaos. That’s why the alarm going off wasn’t bothering him. That’s why he created this entire scenario by getting in a serious relationship with a stranger. He is so emotionally inhibited: The excessive inhibition of spontaneous action, feeling, or communication, usually to avoid disapproval by others, feelings of shame, or losing control of one’s impulses. inhibition of Positive impulses (e.g., joy, affection, sexual excitement, play); (c) difficulty expressing vulnerability or communicating freely about one’s feelings, needs, and so forth; or (d) excessive emphasis on rationality while disregarding emotions. I think this is his main Schema. Yah boy is messed up and needs some one-on-one therapy. I can go on and on about this. There’s so much. Carmy’s actions are pretty on point for someone coming from trauma, dysfunctional parents, and alcoholic parents. He behavior breathes asshole, but really, he has a deeply wounded, lonely, angry, abandoned and abused inner child and his adult self needs some serious healing.  

 Sydney: I love how they wrote and expanded her character this season.  I love how vulnerable they showed her to be. How hard she worked to deal with the growing anxiety. I felt her loneliness when she was eating that giant sundae alone, but I also loved seeing her in her element. Her dad is an ace. She has such a grounding, funny, hardworking energy.

 Carmy and Sydney: my babies. Their dynamic is so sweet. So genuine. So raw and real. How many times has he had a panic attack and thoughts of Sydney grounded him? Like..sir. I also feel he’s trying to protect Sydney in a way, and I see this in the star conversation. Underneath his words he is saying: I had to give up so much to get this and I don’t want that for you. It’s hell. It’s fucking terrible pressure. You don’t want this, but also not saying it because maybe he doesn’t want to shatter or shit on her dreams and ambitions. The foreshadowing of the growing anxiety she’ll likely face in the next season with the receipt machine going off in her head was telling. I think this is what Carmy is warning her about. I love when she jokingly teases him. I appreciate how he notices things about her: “you like making people happy.” I like that she calls him out and communicates her needs to him. This is a slow burn. They’re so awkward. They want to hang out. I don’t think they realize they may have feelings yet or if they ever will. They are so much a like in certain aspects but so different in how they view the world because of how they were raised.

Lastly, Richie is the MVP for me this season. I have a soft spot for him.

[foxy-eva]

Milestone Masterlist

I want to thank everyone who participated in my second Milestone Writing Challenge! I had so much fun reading all those stories and I'm more than happy to share them with everyone else.

Fics marked with * contain smut, so minors DNI!

Spencer Reid x Reader

The Mother Wound by @imagining-in-the-margins

Prompt: Nobody said healing would be easy but they had no idea it would be this hard

Summary: Spencer and Reader bond over having emotionally absent mothers

The image of them as children making it through the dark is very touching. It's a beautifully written, bittersweet story with the ability to bring hope to those who need it.

Crazy Ex by @c-m-stuff

Prompt: Person A needs to find B before it’s too late

Summary: You and Spencer are together. When you found strange pictures of the two of you, you knew, this wasn't good

This story depicts the emotions of Spencer's girlfriend really well. I also love the team dynamics, everyone is trying to do their best despite being terrified of losing Spencer.

Rumoured Nights * by @fortheloveofwonderland

Prompt: Someone has to unexpectedly share a hotel room with their favorite coworker - who apparently really likes to cuddle

Summary: A case in a small town in Alaska forces you and your favourite coworker into sharing a room and a bed. And according to Morgan, Spencer likes to cuddle.

This fic has everything I want for a prompt like this - mutual pining, a bit of awkwardness, everyone knowing except for them and then finally them acting on their desires. I also love the team dynamics you added to the story!

Emily Prentiss x Reader

Dar+ling by @leahseclipse

What a cute story! I really like how comfortable they are with each other. Even though Emily usually is more hesitant to show her feelings, she clearly feels safe around Reader here

Prompt: Person A finally confesses their feelings for B, who has wanted to do just the same for weeks

Summary: Emily finally gets the courage to confess their feelings to the reader, who has just wanted to do it too for a while

Emily Prentiss x Jennifer Jareau

The Way You Felt by @andiebeaword

What a wonderful story! I really like the way you describe their relationship without trying to sugarcoat it. I have a similar view on Jemily - they just weren't meant to have a happy end.

Prompt: Even though their love seemed to never be enough, Person A and B can't let go of each other

Summary: While on a flight to help Spencer, exes J.J. and Emily ultimately come to terms with their buried feelings

Emily Prentiss x Aaron Hotchner

Dance With Me by @pandorasdreamings

I really appreciate it when Emily's complex backstory is mentioned in fics. She is such an interesting person to explore further, especially in the context of her relationships with other characters.

Prompt: Person A thinks they are not worth being taken care of. Person B proves the opposite

Summary: Emily is trying to move on and be happy, but her past keeps creeping up on her. Maybe the solution to her sadness has been in front of her the whole time

Aaron Hotchner x Reader

4 AM by @hotchs-bitch

I absolutely love the softness and delicacy of this story. We rarely see Aaron's vulnerable side and you did a perfect job showing us just that in such a sweet way.

Prompt: Person A didn't know where else to go in a time of need, so they ring B's doorbell

Summary: When Aaron's marriage crumbles and he finds himself alone, there's only one person he wants to turn to

Aaron Hotchner x Haley Hotchner

Question of Timing * by @codename-mom

I always thought Hotch and Haley's relationship is very interesting but I never really considered what it would be like from her perspective. It's nice to get some variety!

Prompt: The couple decides to expand their family

Summary: Aaron finally agreed to make Haley a mother and she realised that the d-day is now. The issue is: how to convinced a husband afraid AF to be a father to do the last step? 

Aaron Hotchner x Derek Morgan

Drown in my Dreams by @masterwords

I was genuinely moved by your story and your writing style. The way you show how vulnerable both men are in a difficult situation like that is very touching.

Prompt: Person A has never shown any weakness until they can’t hold back their tears anymore. Person B is there to wipe them away

Summary: After dealing with Mr. Scratch, Derek just wants to put Hotch on his bike and get the hell out of town. So he does

Aaron Hotchner & Penelope Garcia

Nocturnal Wandering by @codename-mom

I like the way you described the dynamics between Hotch and Garcia. I always thought that their friendship was really special (and very underrated).

Prompt: Person A has never shown any weakness until they can’t hold back their tears anymore. Person B is there to wipe them away

Summary: Garcia was about to leave the sixth floor of Quantico, late at night, when she discovered that someone else was still there. Someone who was not into a good mood and clearly need some help. 

Please make sure to like and reblog these fics to show all those lovely writers some love!

[velvet-games]

hmm ok thoughts/questions so far on hazbin hannibal au (feel free to chime in):

okay full disclosure I haven't watched hannibal in like four years but I was obsessed enough with it at the time that I can hopefully still analyze it without forgetting major chunks of plot (emphasis on hopefully)

also full disclosure that a lot of my view of alastor is based on fandom/my own extrapolation; I rewatched some of hazbin recently, and we honestly don't get much! there's a lot of room for different interps and I'm just using mine

the most obvious choice for hannibal is alastor, but the characters are just different enough that I can either a) have someone else be hannibal or b) have the whole point be that alastor is not hannibal (and why that's interesting)

hannibal is a lonely devil (but like, not from the bible): he's the only guy in the world that knows how to play chess, and he'll do anything to keep playing with the one other guy that knows how to play chess; hannibal is legitimately better and cooler than most people, and he is only actually made vulnerable by will.

alastor is like. just a guy tbh. even in hell, he's kind of mediocre; not all of the other overlords respect him, and he's not even as powerful as the goetia, much less anyone in heaven. and that's not even touching on human alastor.

hannibal is born into a lot of wealth, and I think that shapes his sense of "morality;" instead of absorbing actual morals, he absorbs a need for decorum and propriety (the aesthetic of morality basically). he kills because people are "impolite." he fucks with people because it's genuinely just interesting, and he doesn't respect them as people.

I don't really know what to do with hannibal's trauma with later being destitute and having to eat his sister; it wasn't fully explained in the show, and I think it's kind of a relic from the more human version of him in the books. maybe it speaks to a level of having to remove oneself emotionally because being invested means Something Bad Happened to Hannibal, which cannot happen ("nothing happened. I happened." etc etc), and that's why he needs to see everything as a game he can control. that makes will a lot more significant because hannibal could've chosen not to play chess, but now that he does, he needs someone to play with him (or he might have to go back to believing something bad happened). eh.

I don't think alastor was born into wealth at all; I'm good with the general fandom interp of him growing up poor with a shitty father, and I don't really see him as ever becoming wealthy in life. I doubt being a radio show host paid that much, especially since his whole thing is not being a sellout.

alastor's morality is kind of a big question mark that everyone has a different answer to. I don't like the politeness thing because again, I see it as being shaped by hannibal's childhood, and I also do think alastor is Invested. I think he's too invested, actually; there's kind of this desperate edge to him that hannibal would never have. alastor's ego is wounded multiple times and he is, at least to the audience, very obviously ticked off by it. he doesn't like that the other overlords aren't impressed by him, he has a meltdown over husk's minor jab, and tears out his own hair at the idea that other people might've thought he had a heart. he's less of a master chess player and more of a wounded animal that got really good at scaring other animals into not hurting it again. but he's still an animal. and no one has gotten close enough to heal the wound.

so I guess alastor's morality is just whatever feels good/safe. I watched swarm a while back, and I liked the use of murder as a kind of coping mechanism: "this feels bad. I don't feel safe. I don’t know how to deal with this. no one in my life has taught me how to process emotions normally, so I'm literally just gonna do murder." dre's killing is subtextually compared to stress eating; it feels good, there's a dopamine rush, and you stop thinking about the bad things. you can also eat comfort food just because you want to and enjoy it.

something I realized while I watched the show is that I'm pretty sure we don't see alastor actually kill that many people? like he fucked with pentious and tried to kill adam, plus we get a flashback about killing other overlords, but I only remember him actually killing the sharks that were after mimzy. so. lots of extrapolation still.

I think all of those examples can be read using the eating metaphor, but obviously there's some other stuff going on too. killing the overlords was a reputation-building (no one will hurt me if I'm scary enough) moment, but it was also just for the more practical side of gaining power/souls. killing for mimzy helped confirm to charlie that he could defend the hotel, and it also plays into his role as a gentleman that will clean up mimzy's messes. he gets to be a hero in a fucked up way.

there's obviously no redemption arc for hannibal. I don't even know what the fuck that would mean in a thematic sense. but I do think alastor can be softened a lot if he lets someone in to heal the wound. not sure who that would be though.

I have a lot more, but just one little thing to end on and get y'all's thoughts going: what if vox is hannibal? not in the full character sense, but just to fill the role as the rich guy that psychoanalyzes people. he's probably more obviously suited to a freddie lounds-type role, but maybe he does hypnosis "therapy" and realizes it doesn't work on alastor, which sparks his interest. just some food for thought.

[itsthatswordlesbian]

An Analysis of Cassandra

TLDR: Cassandra’s an extremely traumatised and depressed woman with maladaptive coping mechanisms who just wants to feel like she’s worth something

I’m sick and tired of people saying that Cassandra’s character arc was unrealistic. The fact that that opinion is as popular as it is angers me.

Cassandra was verbally abused, emotionally abused, emotionally neglected, treated like a servant, and then abandoned as an extremely young child by her own mother, not to mention the fact that she didn’t have a father figure at that age. The woman who was supposed to nurture her did the opposite and no one was there to protect her.

Do you know what that does to a child? It instills a deep-seated sense of worthlessness into a child and that sense of worthlessness drives children to develop maladaptive coping mechanisms. Cassandra dealt with her sense of worthlessness by building walls around her heart so that no one would ever be able to hurt her like that again.

She keeps to herself and keeps people at a distance by making snarky and sarcastic remarks because she doesn’t trust that people won’t hurt her if they get too close to her, because her mother did. She keeps her feelings close to her chest because she doesn’t trust that people won’t use her emotional vulnerability against her, because her mother did. She only relies on herself because she doesn’t trust people to be reliable, because her mother wasn’t.

Those are maladaptive coping mechanisms because building walls around your heart does more than just protect it. It walls it off from the most beautiful aspects of life - joy, love, and peace. All that you’re left with then is that gnawing sense of worthlessness and a fiery anger deriving from it. In addition to that, when you have walls around your heart, you’re willing to cross moral lines like the ones that Cassandra crossed because you don’t know what true love feels like, so you can’t give it to other people. There’s also the fact that hurt people oftentimes hurt people.

Another coping mechanism of Cassandra’s is her attachment to the concept of destiny. She attached herself to the concept of destiny because if someone has a destiny, then that means that they’re worth something, right? This was actually originally an adaptive coping mechanism of hers, but it turned maladaptive when it overtook her moral compass.

At first, she believed that it was her destiny to join the guard because A) she developed herself into a warrior because she wanted to always be able to protect herself, B) fighting gave her a way to channel her anger, and C) she was inspired by her father. However, she was barred from achieving that goal of hers time and time again, which added to her sense of worthlessness as well as her ever-growing anger.

Now, a lot of people think that Cassandra blindly trusted ZT, but since when does Cassandra blindly trust anyone? Cassandra’s hardly the kind of person who would listen to a strange girl without any critical thought whatsoever. It’s evidenced in the show that the scene in which ZT and Cassandra were talking to each other went on longer than was shown on-screen. They never showed what happened after Cassandra said, “Unless?”

It’s likely that ZT said something along the lines of, “Unless you grab the Moonstone. It’s your destiny to grab the Moonstone because just as Rapunzel shines with the light of the sun, you’re meant to shine with the light of the moon.” Now, I don’t think that Cassandra immediately decided to grab the Moonstone after ZT told her that it was her destiny to do so. I think that she thought about it right up until the very moment that she did it.

She didn’t grab the Moonstone because some mysterious girl told her that she should. She grabbed the Moonstone because the idea that she was destined to shine with the light of the moon made sense to her. Think about it - symbolism’s extremely important in Coronan culture. The sun represents energy, healing, and positivity, which are all traits that Rapunzel’s proven to have in abundance. On the other hand, the moon represents wisdom, emotion, and mystery - traits that very much describe Cassandra. Not to mention the fact that if she took the Moonstone, she’d be able to shine with her own light rather than feel constantly overshadowed by Rapunzel.

So to summarise what Cassandra stood to gain by grabbing the Moonstone…

A destiny of her own that made sense to her

A clear path without obstacles in her way

An opportunity to shine with her own light

A chance to end her toxic friendship with Rapunzel

Cassandra felt like she was standing up for herself and freeing herself from a toxic situation by grabbing the Moonstone.

Now, I do believe that ZT built a friendship with Cassandra over time and that Cassandra trusted her more and more over time, as is evidenced by the show. However, I still think that people give ZT more credit than she’s due for Cassandra’s actions. By the time that ZT proposed the idea of destroying Rapunzel to Cassandra, Cassandra was already so overcome with rage that I think that she would’ve wound up plotting to commit such a crime on her own anyway.

To make another point, there’s a lot of debate when it comes to whether or not Cassandra knew that she was a villain. Personally, I think that she did know that she was a villain, but denied that fact because she felt very ashamed about it and didn’t want other people to see her that way.

Anyway, her actions got worse and worse over time because that’s how downward spirals work, until ZT took both the Moonstone and the Sundrop and Rapunzel was able to convince her that there’s more in her, which was exactly what Cassandra needed - someone who refused to abandon her like her mother did, no matter what.

There’s only one more point that I’d like to make, and then I’ll finish this up. To those who say that Cassandra got off scot-free… I don’t think that she did. She’s not a psychopath without feelings, so she likely felt overwhelming shame to the point of feeling suicidal after everything. Punishing her would’ve only reinforced her negative self-image and possibly would’ve turned her back into a villain. And it’s not like she could’ve stayed in Corona to clean up her mess if she wanted to (which she likely did) because the people were likely so angry at her that it was straight-up dangerous for her to stay in Corona.

That’s why leaving Corona to give everyone who needed it space and probably become a vigilante like Batman was the best possible course of action for her to take.

To sum this up, read between the lines and you’ll likely find that Cassandra’s an extremely human character with an extremely realistic character arc.

[ayotofu]

Imagine if you will (with a lot of hand wavy time changes ofc) that the leverage team during their LA days end up crossing paths with the 118. I just feel like chim and hardison would get along so well. And Bobby and Nate both have the brooding trauma thing but Bobby has actually faced his demons.

This is out of left field sorry i just wanted to think out loud about shoving my two favourite shows together like im five and they’re my barbies

believe you me anon i have IMAGINED THE SHIT outta this :D :D :D

i'm soooooo glad you asked because i've had this fic in the back of my head where hen and karen are like. hey what this councilwoman is doing to us and to our nine year old is fucking malicious and cruel and only possible because she is abusing her power and now she's put hen's old shithead captain (who was REMOVED from the same station for creating a hostile work environment and particularly bullying hen) BACK IN CHARGE, and all of this is super sketchy, but ortiz and gerrard have ALL the power in this scenario. so.

who do they call if not the leverage team?

hen obviously tells chim, who tells everyone else, so when strange people start showing up and doing weird shit, they all collectively decide not to worry about it.

eliot definitely goes undercover at the 118, covering for someone who got a spontaneous all-expenses-paid vacation (hardison tried to send them on a cruise at first, but for some reason they declined). he and eddie instantly bond, macho-to-macho. eliot quickly learns that eddie a) has a kid and b) can't cook very well so decides that he needs to learn so he can feed his kid well. (eddie insists that he's not that bad at cooking jesus but eliot is getting too into it)

buck at one point overhears eliot talking to parker and hardison on the comm and is like "omg, can i try" and annoys eliot until he agrees. buck, it turns out, does not actually know what to say on the comm so he just starts listing facts about famous heists in history while parker gives her opinion on the quality of each of them. "aw," parker says, "you're like a little nerd in my ear" to which hardison says "babe do i mean nothing to you"

sophie tries to work ortiz while nate tries to work gerrard. because of this, nate happens to run into bobby when they were both coming to talk to gerrard (bobby to try to convince him, somehow, to leave vs. nate for the con) and they talk. bobby knows why nate is here (chimney reeeeally can't keep a secret) but that short conversation lets him see in nate all the darkness he's keeping at bay in himself. bobby looks at nate and gets sad because, while nate is functional, that darkness could have been him. nate looks at bobby and gets angry because, while bobby will never be fully healed, that lightness could have been him.

parker works closest with hen and karen. she is furious on their behalf, gets a little too emotionally involved. she's seen a lot of people do terrible things for money and power (she's done some things herself that she's not exactly proud of) but this one hits different. ortiz isn't hurting hen and karen to get more money or power; she's doing it because she wants to hurt them. it's so vindictive. just pointlessly cruel.

and more than that: parker was mara, once upon a time. she was the mara who never really got her hen and karen. she doesn't want another little girl to end up like her. she and sophie are both around ortiz at one point and ortiz says something about mara (such a tragedy, that little girl, abandoned again like it wasn't all her fault) and sophie grabs the pencil out of parker's hand before she can start stabbing.

i don't know exactly how chim and hardison meet, but chimney absolutely starts asking him to hack into random shit. harmless shit. gerrard's email (90% of it was spam emails. chim, delighted, signs him up for hundreds more. mostly gay porn), ortiz's hildy coffee machine (to make it run, constantly, for an hour, spilling hot coffee all over her floor) (eddie hears about it and holds it over buck for weeks because he was RIGHT those things are DANGEROUS)

i don't have a very coherent plot for this but i do think it would be such a fun crossover

[reviewinghiccup]

I really love this blog and I know its focus is to analyze Hiccup’s character from what we are given from the films and shows but do you think he felt some sort of resentment towards the other teens, the village, and even Stoick shortly after the events of the first movie? I don’t recall seeing anything like this from Hiccup (correct me if I’m wrong) since it’s just in his nature to be very selfless and forgiving. However, I’m sure that with the lost of his leg and the people suddenly treating him with respect (aside from Stoick, I don’t think we’ve seen any other character formally apologizing for treating him so poorly before), it must have been a very difficult time for him to adjust to, both physically and emotionally. I might be missing a lot things as I write this but I’m sure Hiccup has plenty of scars under the surface that will take lots of time to heal. I’d love to know what are your thoughts about this, thanks!

Wow, that's a really interesting question. @per4mancecheck noted in my post that the reason Hiccup was able to sympathise w Astrid in the episode Blindsided [Episode 11, Season 4 (Race to the Edge)] is because of his own disability. And that got me thinking about what it was possibly like when he woke up and saw his leg missing.

We know that at the end of the 1st movie, he sorta just accepts it. I reckon that was more a pacing issue and the show had to finish on a congratulatory note. It would be a bit too heavy perhaps to go into his disability thereafter. But the shows don't go into it much either. And from what I know and recall of the episodes thus far, no one has apologised for their mistreatment towards him or that he lost his leg. At least not verbally and not written into the shows.

I have a few theories:

(1) THE PRIDE OF BATTLE SCARS

Maybe it wasn't something he dwelled on, because to lose a leg was better than to lose a life. It could be Hiccup was a glass half full kinda person and he was just glad to be alive.

We know from the franchise that the Vikings take glory in battle scars. And they love a good story that comes with it. And losing a leg battling the Red Death is a damn good one.

I also think Hiccup isn't someone who dwells on things, because in HTTYD 2, it didn't take him long to forgive his mother who left him motherless to rescue dragons. He was just happy to have her back again (like Stoick). No resentment towards her or the dragons. Or even Toothless who killed Stoick. It's like his level of understanding reaches undefinable strides. [Granted he was angry, but not for long. He just gets it.]

A) IT WAS NORMAL TO LOSE A LIMB

Further, it is possible that it wasn't something to think about because it was normal for them to lose a limb back then. Many of them have or know someone who has lost a limb (or their minds). When its normalised, the sting of stigma is neutralised.

B) THE FIGHTING SPIRIT

Its that fighting spirit, that even though they suffer from some sort of physical impediment, that isn't going to stop them from fighting Outcasts / Berserkers or serving the community.

Hiccup must've also been used to "coming short" if you get me. And in a way, he supplements his short comings w gadgets. Like the shield, Inferno/Dragon Blade and lots of training.

(2) THE NO HARD FEELINGS CULTURE

Most of the people around him are pretty unapologetic. They're Vikings. It might be in their constitution to not apologise, with words. Maybe they might w actions. We know in the series "When Lightning Strikes" [Episode 13, Season 1 (Riders of Berk)] when the town mistakenly accused Toothless for the fierce lightning storms, they apologised to him by giving loads of peace offerings. Maybe they did the same with Hiccup and we didn't see it because the episodes only began after he was able to walk on the peg-leg, which could've taken some time.

A) ACTIONS SPOKE LOUDER

For example, when he wakes up, dragons could roam freely. They didn't fight dragons anymore. They believed him. I also like to think, their image of him had taken a drastic turn for the better. He gained a lot of respect and that could mean more to him than an apology. Especially since he's the son of the chief and heir to the title. He needs that respect.

B) SORRY, NOT SORRY

In certain cultures, to say sorry might mean nothing much to them. My cousin is half Chinese, and her mother is not much of a "saying sorry" to fix things type. She might, make your favourite meal or buy a snack you like to make up for it and my cousins accepts that as an apology. Live and let live? Yannow?

But as for Snotlout and Tuff/Ruff (can't recall which) I don't think they would've said sorry or even knew they did something wrong. Either because they were too proud to realise (Snotlout) or too dense to notice (the Twins). In fact, they do make fun of him for it.

BUT HAVING SAID THAT...

I believe you have a solid point. Regardless of what society you live in and what type of person you are, when you lose a limb it is counted as a great loss. Especially, if you could've saved it if the people around you had listened. In a natural sense, I'm sure he must've been at least angry. Life without a limb is tough.

Because of his metal leg, he attracts lightning during a storm when flying Toothless. Sometimes during an adventure, he might lose his leg or an enemy might take it away from him to impede him. I mean, it is weakness in the strictest sense, cumbersome if anything else. But I don't think he held it against the other teens on the island for long because whatever he did during the show for them came from a position of genuine friendship.

Emotion wise though, I too wonder if he has completely healed. You see, Hiccup is very attached to Toothless. Toothless is like an extension of himself. He serves like an emotional support animal. The Dragon Academy, Alvin, Dagur, the Grimborn brothers, etc. they also serve as distractions. When he hyper-fixates on these things, he doesn't seem so interested in his own personal issues. That's probably where the phrase "an idle mind is the devil's playground" came from. And why adults asks us to keep busy, cause when you don't your thoughts could run wild.

That may explain why in HTTYD: The Hidden World, Astrid said "but he thinks he is nothing without Toothless." Because for the longest time, Toothless has made things easier for him. Instead of just walking, Hiccup can now fly.

This statement might be an indication that Hiccup hadn't fully resolved his internal conflict and insecurity. I mean, how many of us young adults have issues that date back to childhood?

I think the internal struggle branches out in the final movie because of the loss of his father. That could be why he wasn't ready for marriage, as Astrid knew the case to be. Because before he can transition into a new position, he needed to first know who he is, independent of Toothless. Leg or no leg.

He also needed to believe in the strength he now had with Astrid. And maybe even why it had to be with just Astrid.

I think he must've carried some sort of scar, that only letting go of Toothless could heal. Because, while Toothless resembled strength and adventure, he also signified dependence. And the only way to know you have recovered completely is to let go of your crutch.

I may be overstepping here, but this is just my two-cents.

Thank you so much for asking this question. I had a wonderful time answering it. Gave me a chance to think about things I haven't yet given enough consideration. Above all, I really hope this answer helps.

[rainbowolfe]

I'm going to speculate on the bishop's canon relationships using seemingly unrelated tidbits from the game.

Cauliflower and pumpkin eaten on their own cause illness, but when combined with beetroot it makes a dish that increases loyalty. And yet, beetroot can't be eaten on its own.

Shamura, Heket, and Kallamar are THE unit. I could see this going one of two ways: A) individually, Heket and Kallamar are terrible (personality wise) but as a trio Shamura brings out the best in them. However, Shamura is emotionally dependent on Heket and Kallamar. OR B) On their own, Heket and Kallamar are bad leaders but are at least able to garner a following one way or another. Shamura either can't lead or has trouble inspiring others to follow them (I lean towards the latter), but when they combine their methods they form a unit that inspires a large, loyal following.

The Meager Mixed Meal is the only meal that combines berries with something else. Minnows only drop in Anchordeep (unless you have Neptune's Curse). Morsels are gained fro all regions.

Leshy's closest relationship is likely Kallamar. Or at least, he works best with him. Leshy being a being of chaos, while Narinder, Heket and Shamura are beings of tradition and order, I can't imagine they work very well together at all. But pair Leshy with Kallamar? Then the two of them can work with any sibling successfully, via Kallamar facilitating compromises.

To add on to that, "chaos" and "pestilence" actually go hand in hand. The first horseman of the apocalypse brings about both of those things.

Applying similar logic to the Modest Mixed Meal, Kallamar and Heket can work together well in very specific, rare circumstances.

Fish based meals and cauliflower cause followers to drop resources.

Coward he may be, Kallamar's value as a bishop and as a brother likely comes from what he provides outside of combat. Resources.

The crystals that make up all of Kallamar's decorations are the same ones found in Silk Cradle. You'll also notice Silk Cradle has massive crystal formations growing, while Anchordeep only has small ones.

Kallamar probably loves Shamura the most. How crushing it must be that Shamura does not feel the same. He finds beauty in their temple, likely because of these crystal formations. Yet he also feels inadequate compared to Shamura.

But also, Shamura comes to Kallamar's rescue after he goes crying to his temple to hide. Instead of Kallamar challenging Lamb to a fight on the final run (like Leshy and Heket did), Shamura shows up and tells Lamb to come to Silk Cradle. They love their pathetic little brother 🥺

The eyes on Narinder's statue are closed. The eyes on all the bishops statues are open.

Closed eyes mean a lot of things in a lot of different places, but being that Narinder's statues were always this way (pre betrayal), I think it means that Narinder can see more than the other bishops. In a figurative sense.

In all of the bishops domains, there still exist statues of the red crown. They're built similarly to the trophies you can get for yourself, but they're altars due to the pedestal they're built on. These altars are surrounded by camellias.

Overall I'm very curious about the dynamic between Leshy and Narinder, because there's clearly something there. These flowers that did not grow before Leshy came to power, persisting around these altars no matter the region. These flowers that allow the red crown to heal any ailment.

The angst in me wonders if it was Leshy's chaotic existence that spurred on Narinder's desire for change, which ultimately led to all their downfalls. Another interesting observation: Leshy calls Lamb unworthy of the crown, same as Narinder. Post-recruitment, Leshy refers to Narinder as "dear brother".

But also the fact that these altars still exist at all. Maybe it's more akin to a memorial. Whatever the reason is, the bishops did not seal Narinder away out of malice. And they do not want him forgotten. The bishop's statues become ruined in their absence. The crown altars still stand after a thousand years.

Narinder goes out of his way to call Kallamar his brother. Clarifies that Kallamar was afraid of what he represented, and less so anything he had done.

He may be a pathetic, sniveling, coward, but he is STILL NARINDER'S pathetic, sniveling, cowardly brother.

But seriously, freed from his prison and humbled by Lamb, dude still loves all his siblings in the end. Except maybe Heket-

[nintendont2502]

thinking about davesprite. i blame you /lh but anyways. any hcs about him that you have Not been able to post because they just. weren't ever topical.

so many. so so so fucking many. i try to keep sdd relatively close to canon characterisation wise but,,,,, fuck i have ideas

this ones just a straight up headcanon thats barely tied to canon but gender apathetic/agender any pronouns davesprite,, big fan of this one in combination with t4t pepsisprite (dsprite is junes birdfriend)

this could be a whole rant to itself but i have. so many thoughts on davesprites relationship with bro and how fucked up it is. to make what could be a whole ass essay short and to just focus on one tiny fucked up aspect of it,,, davesprite associating pain and injury with his brother but in a 'positive' way, because him being hurt has always been associated with 'positive' memories of bro for him (bro training him 'because he cares', bro helping him stitch himself up after a particularly bad strife when he was too young to do it himself, getting his literal wing torn off while bro died protecting him,,, man).

semi related to above but he does exhibit some bird behaviours even if he refuses to admit it - the big one is pulling out his feathers when hes stressed (again, vaguely related to above - davesprite getting stressed about bro and pulling out too many feathers, and that pain simultaneously making things worse *and* calming him down)

my headcanons for a post game dsprite where he somehow makes it to the creation of the universe are either 'he makes it through and gets given a real body and the ability to age :))' or. well. hes a game construct right. hes just. hes an npc. hes meant to be part of the game. ...what if it doesnt let him leave. what if going through the door completely wipes his data and hes just. gone. what if hes forced to choose between being stuck in the session alone forever or disappearing from existence permanently. (this was actually the basis of a fic idea lmao)

as much as i love davesprite dream bubble content.... i dont think hed make it into the bubbles. hes not a person, right. fuck if the *guardians* dont make it then what chance does he have

i dont think he sleeps much.

[slaps davesprite] this sad boy can fit so many identity crises into him

how does he know hes himself. like. how does he know hes not just code programmed to think hes dave and act like dave. sure hes clinging to that old identity that he isnt allowed to have anymore, but what if that was never him? who is he, then?

jesus christ these got depressing

bird mating rituals,, he gives john cool rocks and shiny things and gets really flustered about it because 'holy shit im being so obvious' and johns just like 'haha cool! :B'

he gives davesprite like. a shiny bit of plastic one day as a joke and davesprite gets way too happy about it.

dave and davesprite brothers is so fucking real. to me.

less a headcanon, more a thought i cant get out of my head. davesprite literally keeping his sword in his chest is. fuck man. thats something. the only way he can use it is by taking it out which has gotta fucking hurt,,,, violence and fighting hurting himself just as much as it hurts everyone else

i like drawing post battleship dsprite with the missing wing and stomach hole still because im gonna be so real i dont think sburb would heal that. who cares right. it isnt threatening him at all - sure it hurts a lil but he could get used to it, and it isnt impacting his role, and like. hes just a sprite. who cares

^^ and if it *can* be healed, i still dont think it would by then. look man im just a sucker for emotional and mental healing being represented physically,,, the only time they heal is when he finally gives himself a break and lets himself rest and lower his guard and heal emotionally

again this isnt really a headcanon it just haunts me. davesprite is/was a knight of time right. both serving (and sacrificing for) time and using time as a weapon. thinking about how weapons can both protect and injure, or even kill. thinking about how davesprite probably feels responsible for all those deaths in the doomed timeline. thinking about how he essentially killed himself by travelling back. thinking about how he did it to protect.

...davesprite thinking about what would happen if dave died permanently. hed never do anything. hed never let that happen. but... the timeline needs a dave, right. and davesprite would still be there. hed never do anything to make it happen. but what if that was his chance.

i love the idea that dsprite acts more like dirk and hal acts more like dave (mirroring their text colours). i just think its fun

yall ever think about how the shades john gave dave were so important that when he was literally recreated, the universe still gave them to him? he wasnt wearing then when he was prototyped. because i do. i think about it all the time.

new pesterchum handle. turnedtechGodhead is the only one ive thought of atm but im gonna make more i stg (vaguely related: hals pesterchum is turingTested. that is all)

i swear to god theres more rattling around in there but i cant reach it and this is logn enough so :thumbsup: