#bc i Knew i would get the exact hand position i wanted lmao | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

daisykisscs · 3 years

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love & war

pairing: jean kirstein x fem!reader

warnings: heavy angst i guess, heartbreak, mentions of cheating, death, and war, jean breaking down, tiny bit of s4 spoilers, my shit writing (i’ll try to edit this soon), lmk if i missed anything, also this is 7k+ words lmao i’m sorry

note: i hope this isn’t too bad! this idea’s been in my head for so long so i just tried to turn it into a fic! i’m not sure if i should write a part 2 for this, but that will probably take long bc school’s starting for me soon (it’ll surely contain more s4 & manga spoilers tho). this is also my first fic, so i hope you guys will like it! reblogs are appreciated!

“I think we should put an end to this.”

Those were the exact words that escaped your lover’s lips. You froze for a moment as you tried to process what he just said. This was not what you expected when Jean knocked on your front door and asked you to meet him at the outskirts of Trost, which was just nearby your home, underneath the tree where the both of you would spend most of your nights together. You even wore the nicest dress you own since you expected that maybe you would have dinner and lay underneath the tree to gaze upon the countless stars above the night sky just like before, not this.

You stared into Jean’s eyes which were already staring at yours as he waited for your reply. All you were able to respond to it was a “What?” Tears started to spill from your eyes and you hoped that you just misheard it, you hoped that what he said was just a joke and that he was playing tricks on you. However, you knew that Jean wouldn’t joke about such thing. The look in his eyes told you that it wasn’t a joke at all, that he was serious about what he just said. He no longer wants to be in a relationship with you.

Jean lets out a heavy sigh, “It’s not working anymore, Y/N. I’m sure you know that. We can no longer be together. you deserve someone who can be with you from time to time. You deserve someone who can fulfill your needs, not someone like me. We barely even get to see each other anymore.”

You shook your head as more tears came out from your eyes, staining your cheeks. “But I want you, Jean! I want you and no one else!”

Truthfully, you noticed how things were starting to change between the two of you especially when Jean got promoted as Commanding Officer of the Survey Corps. You were truly happy for him because you know how much he wanted that and how much he worked just to get that. He was devoted to his work, and that’s just one of the many things you love about him. You also know how great of a leader he is, his friends told you that before when you got the chance to have a conversation with them. It was undeniable that he deserves the position more than anyone else. However, you also couldn’t deny that it started to affect your relationship.

Before, Jean would always do his best to make time for you no matter how busy he was with his responsibilities. You would see each other for three days a week. When trainings finish early, he would visit you at home with hand-picked flowers in his hand, which you would put in a vase by your bedroom window. In fact, your room smelled like flowers already since he always makes sure to bring flowers for each visit (and you would blush every time). You weren't complaining though because they reminded you of him.

Then, on his day-off, you two would take strolls around Trost district for a whole day, not minding the way your feet were hurting from all the walking. Since it is the district where he grew up in, the both of you would stop by his home to visit his mom who would always be more than happy to see you two. Then, you would spend the night laying on the ground, underneath the tree where you two would rest after a long day, wrapped around each other’s arms as you both admire the night sky.

Now, you barely even see each other. He would visit you sometimes, but he’ll leave before you know it. As much as you wanted to go back to the good old days, you understood that Jean has duties to fulfill and it was no joke to become a soldier, moreover, a Commanding Officer of the Survey Corps. The fact that he’s still wearing his uniform (looking handsome as ever) at this hour proves how busy he is these days. Still, you believe that everything will go back to the way it was before, that’s why you promised yourself that you would always understand the situation for the sake of your relationship.

Both of your hands went up to his face, your fingertips grazing his cheeks as you stared into his beautiful hazel orbs. “My love, please, anything but that. I completely understand if we can’t see each other for a whole week, I can wait! I will wait for you, no matter how long it takes! It could take days, weeks, or maybe even months and I’d still wait for you! You are my only love, you are the only one I want to spend the rest of my life with.”

Jean wanted to wipe away the tears that stained your pretty face, but he chose not to give in. Instead, he held your wrists. You could feel his calloused fingers touching your smooth skin as he slowly removes your hands from his face. He then ran his fingers through his long light brown hair and scratched his head as if the conversation was stressing him out.

“Listen to yourself,” he begins, “you’re willing to waste your life waiting for me? Y/N, I don’t even know when all of this will end! Hell, even if that day comes, I don’t know if I’ll be able to return to you alive! Any moment could be my last so there’s no point in waiting. You’ll only be waiting for nothing and I know you’re growing tired of our situation anyway. Let's end this while it’s still early.”

You desperately shook your head, not agreeing to a single word Jean has spoken. “Don’t say that! Y-you will come back to me, Jean. I-I know that. And I won’t ever be tired of this...of you! I’ve loved you for four years already and that will never change. I love you more than anything that I’m willing to wait no matter what. No matter how long it takes. We had a promise, remember? You promised that as soon as this all ends, we will get married...and start a family of our own. I know life may be cruel to us but I also know that there will come a day that you don’t need to fight anymore, Jean. I promised you that I will be patient and wait for that day to come.”

“But you don’t deserve that, Y/N. I just can’t fulfill my promise anymore so it’s better if you forget about it. It’ll be best if you just start seeing someone else from now on. Don’t waste your time on me.” Jean suggests and you swore that you saw clear liquid threatening to spill from his eyes. Is he about to cry? But why? You couldn’t understand, isn’t he the one who kept suggesting that you two should break up? Nevertheless, those tears were enough reason for you to not give up on your relationship. Maybe he really didn’t want to break up. Perhaps he was just scared about the future. You were the same, but you loved him too much for you to just throw everything away that easily.

You moved closer embrace him in your arms, closing the gap between you two. You looked up at him but he was staring into a distance, refusing to look into your eyes which are filled with tears. He also didn’t return the embrace. “We love each other, don’t we? We promised that we’d be together against all odds, remember? So please, please stop saying that we should end this...that I should see and marry someone else. I don’t want to do any of that. If it isn’t with you, I refuse to do it. Please, let’s try to fix this. Please, you’re breaking my heart, Jean,” you say, your cheek pressed against his chest as you hugged him tight, not wanting to let go. Your heart felt heavy but you were doing your best to remain strong.

Once more, Jean sighs heavily before speaking. “I no longer feel the same, Y/N. I'm no longer happy with this. It’s unfair for you that you’re the only one holding on to this relationship. " With that, you felt like your whole world crumbled. If your heart was hurting before, it’s hurting even more now. It felt heavy. This is what you feared the most, him falling out of love. But why? Why would he fall out of love? You gave him everything. You gave him your whole heart. You devoted yourself to him. Was it all not enough for him? You didn’t want to believe him, but it still hurts to hear those words escape his lips.

You pulled yourself away to look at him, but his eyes were avoiding yours. “But why? Was I not enough for you? Tell me, Jean. Tell me why you’re being like this!” You tugged the sleeve of his uniform for him to look at you. You looked like a mess right now with your tear-stained face but you didn’t care, you wanted him to look at you. You wanted to hear an explanation from him. “At least look at me so that I’ll believe what you’re saying right now!”

Finally, Jean cocks his head to face you, his empty eyes finally meeting yours. “There’s nothing you can do to fix us, Y/N. It’s never going to work anymore no matter how hard we try to rebuild this,” he said calmly, not breaking eye contact with you. Jean might be pretty hot-headed when it comes to others, but he could never lash out at you. How could he be so calm? Does he really not love you anymore that he can stand to see you hurting because of him?

“Why? Tell me wh-”

“There’s someone else,” he breathes, “I’ve fallen for someone else.”

You were stunned by the words you just heard. Your face was expressionless but the tears uncontrollably escaped your eyes to cascade down your cheeks regardless. Your heart...your poor heart was shattered into pieces. Is it even possible for someone's heart to be this broken? Because that’s what Jean just did to yours. Is it possible for someone to take so much pain? You didn’t know, but all you’re feeling right now is pain. Nothing but pain.

“B-but you promised me,” you struggled to speak because of how much you’ve cried, “y-you...you promised me that you’ll love me forever...”

“I admit that I made a huge mistake but some promises are meant to be broken, Y/N. I’m sorry that I wasn’t able to fulfi-”

“How long has it been, then?” You cut him with a question, waiting for an honest answer from him. Jean's brows furrowed, as if he was confused, but then he realized what you meant. You wanted to know when he started being unfaithful to you.

“When things started to change between us. I had to look for a distraction. You know how stressful things can be around here," he answered with a straight face. It all makes sense now. You realized that his duties weren’t the only reason why your relationship is in shambles right now. It was his unfaithfulness.

Sure, ever since Jean became the Commanding Officer of the Survey Corps, he started getting people’s attention, especially women. He knew about it, but he paid no attention to it. You totally understood why they go head over heels for him. Jean is undeniably handsome with his very manly features, tall as hell, incredibly strong, wise and brave. Basically, he has everything that a woman could ever want in a man that you consider yourself lucky. However, you didn’t expect him to fall in to temptation because you believed that he only has eyes for you...because it’s what he would always tell you whenever you feel insecure. But you figured that it was all just a lie. He had you fooled with both his words and actions.

You have realized that you, indeed, wasted your time by stupidly waiting for him while he spent his with another doing things you didn't want to imagine. You also didn't bother to ask who the woman is. The idea of him being unfaithful to you was too much for you to handle already. It was heartbreaking enough. Truthfully, you never thought of it. You never suspected that the reason he didn't have time for you was that he was cheating on you. You didn’t think that he would do such thing because you believed he was different from other men. You trusted Jean with all your heart that you believed whatever he told you, that you believed that what caused all of this was his duties as a soldier.

As much as you wanted to break down in front of him because of the heavy pain you're feeling and tell him how disgusting he is, you chose not to. You didn't want him to see you so broken and messed up, all because of him. You won’t allow yourself to feed his ego by showing him how much he has affected you. You won't let him see you at your most vulnerable state.

“You should’ve told me right from the start, Jean. You should’ve told me that you didn’t want this anymore so I could’ve ended things between us immediately. It would’ve been easier that way,” you suggested while you wiped your dampened cheeks with the back of your hand. “I’m sorry, Y/N. I-”

Jean wasn’t able to finish his sentence because of your sudden actions. Your hands went behind your neck to reach for the lock of the necklace you were wearing, which was actually given to you by Jean. It was a heart necklace made out of pure gold which he purchased when he was in Wall Sina.

You can still remember the day he gave it to you. Your eyes were about to bulge out of their sockets because of how mesmerizing the jewelry looked. You never thought you would see such beauty in your life. You told him that he probably spent a lot of money for it which he did not deny. He told you that the necklace did cost him a lot for it was made of pure gold, but he didn’t tell you how much. He didn't want you to think about it nor feel bad about it.

Not many people are lucky enough see this side of him, but Jean is absolutely romantic. You were always told that he is different when he’s around you and how you make him so happy. In fact, Sasha and Connie would even tease Jean, calling him “lover boy.”

They weren’t wrong, because Jean would always make you feel like a princess...or a queen, rather. He didn’t mind spending money, as long as it’s for you. Despite that, you felt really bad because he could’ve used the money he spent on the necklace for himself. You told him that you wouldn’t mind simple gifts as long as it’s from him, but you still appreciated the necklace. No, you cherished it. In fact, whenever you were wearing it, it feels like you're carrying Jean with you, deep in your heart.

It meant a lot to you that it hurts that you have to return it to him. It would hurt you more if you keep it, for it will remind you of him...of the pain he caused you. When you finally got to take the jewelry off your neck, you handed it to him. Judging by the look in his eyes, it seems like he was hurt...really hurt. Did he really think that you'd still keep it after this? You had no choice but to do it because still wearing it will only make you feel like an idiot.

You were waiting for him to take the necklace but he shook his head, “You don’t have to give it back. I don’t mind you keeping it,” he says as he stares at your expressionless face.

“Sell it. I don’t want to keep it anyway.” Lies. But it's what should be done. It'll help the pain you were feeling lessen.

Jean had no choice but to take the jewelry from your hands and shove it carefully in his uniform’s chest pocket before he turned his gaze back at you.

There was a moment of silence, only the sound of wind blowing in the air could be heard, before you decided to break it, “I guess this is where it all ends,” you say, looking around but not at him because you could feel the tears coming out again, and you didn't want that.

Jean exhales deeply then nods. "I guess so. I hope you don't get the idea that I didn't love you at all, because I did, Y/N. I really did. I-"

"Stop," you cut him off, "just stop, alright? We're done here, so our relationship...the past...it doesn't matter now. Forget everything about it. Just pretend it never existed."

As you spoke those words, you could feel your chest getting heavier. You acted tough, but deep inside, you were hurting the more words you let out. You still weren't looking at Jean, but you could still see through your peripheral vision how he looked at you. He wasn't dumb and you know that for a fact. He probably knows that you were just trying your best not to break down in front of him. He knows you that well but he chose not to point it out although he was worried.

You didn't want to stay longer, you wanted to go home. You wanted to cry to your pillow until there's no more tears left. You wanted to cry until you fall asleep. You wanted to cry until all the pain in your heart disappears. You turned your head to finally face him for the last time, forcing a weak smile on your lips, "I'll go now. Take care of yourself, Jean."

Jean returns the smile you gave him and you hated how stupidly pretty his face looked in the moonlight. It still had you weak in the knees. Your heart was hurting because of him, but you still wouldn't deny how beautiful he is right now despite the wind slightly messing up his long hair or the evident stress on his face because of the things he has to deal with in his life. You hated the effect Jean has on you but you know that all the love, or whatever it is you had for him, will turn into pure hatred soon.

"You too, Y/N," he simply replied, while he still had the small smile on his face. "I'll see you around?"

Again, Jean wasn't dumb. You know that he knows that this will probably be the last time that he will ever see your face. He knows that you will do anything and everything to distance yourself from him so that you won't have to see him anymore.

That's exactly what you're going to do. You never want to see his face again after this night. Still, you nodded, looking at his insanely beautiful hazel orbs one last time before saying, "See you, Jean."

As you turned around to walk away, you finally let the tears fall. You clenched your fist to your chest, the pain increasing as you continued to drag yourself away from the place filled with memories of you and Jean. Soon, all of those memories will be gone with the wind.

You didn’t see this coming, literally. You never really imagined that you will have a moment like this with Jean. Just like any couple, you and Jean have fought before for numerous times but you both never opted for a breakup. You would always come up with solutions better than that. As a matter of fact, you were willing to come up with one earlier, but the moment that he told you about his unfaithfulness, you lost all your strength and will to fight for the relationship you both built with love.

Not once did you halt your foot steps, nor you looked back despite your heart telling you to do so. You were already suffering, so why make it worse than it already is? It will only be the death of you if you chose to listen to your heart. Besides, Jean probably ran off to his new lover now that they can finally be free, so there’s no point in turning back. There’s no stopping now.

You’re going to forget him and throw away everything, the memories and especially the pain he has caused you. It may be devastating, but you won’t let it affect your life. Instead, you will use it as a reason to keep moving forward and be stronger than ever.

The love of your life, Jean Kirstein, will soon be just a stranger to you.

Little did you know, Jean was hurting just as much as you were. Everything he said back there was a lie. He didn't fall out of love. In fact, his feelings for you never changed, not even a bit. Most importantly, he was always faithful to you for there was never a third person in your relationship.

It was all an act. It was difficult for him, but he did that for you. It hurt his heart to do it, but he thinks it’s for the best.

Jean was trying so hard to control his tears the whole time. It wounded him to see you, his most beloved, crying because of him, and he hated himself so much for that. He felt horrible. He wanted to touch you. He wanted to feel you. He wanted to wipe away those tears on your face and hold you in his arms for as long as he could, but he couldn't. It pained him that you will have to believe for the rest of your life that you weren't enough for him.

But you were enough for him. More, even. You were more than enough for him. Your love was all he ever needed.

Jean didn't leave the place immediately nor ran off to see another woman like you assumed. In lieu of the latter, he sat there for a while as he gazed at the night sky above him. He recalls the nights you spent there together before everything went downhill.

It was also the same place where the two of you declared your love for each other. Jean can still remember that night, the night when he realized that he has fallen deeply in love with you.

4 years ago

"Look at the sky, Jean. It's so beautiful, I wonder if I could ever reach it and catch even just one of those stars," you say, your eyes focused on the blanket of stars above you and Jean as you sat on the grass, your head resting on his shoulder. Jean, on the other hand, has his eyes focused only on you.

Jean nods his head, "It is beautiful," he says, not once did he take his hazel eyes off you. The heavens were indeed beautiful, but to jean, you were way more interesting to look at.

He could see the way your eyes twinkled like the stars and he wishes that those eyes would look at him the same way he looks at you. He could also see the way your lips curl into a smile that could kill whenever you would spot a familiar shape when you connect the stars. Jean was completely struck by your beauty and he swears he would never grow tired of looking at you. It wasn't just your looks that he finds beautiful, but as well as your pure heart and mind. Everything about you was just beautiful to him, inside and out.

Jean listens as you kept on praising the sight above you two, but when it seems that you noticed how silent he was, you turned your head to look up at him.

Jean swore that he could feel his heart flutter when your eyes met his. hell, he is so sure that he's in love with you already. He could almost melt on the spot, but he was trying very hard not to make it obvious. Your eyes were filled with worry, "you're so silent. what's the matter, Jean? care to share?" you ask, pulling yourself away from him.

Jean smiles softly, then shakes his head. "No, it's just..." he sighs, thinking twice if he should say what's on his mind right now. "You look absolutely beautiful, Y/N," he finally admits for the very first time.

Jean saw how your cheeks suddenly turned into a shade of pink, turning your head to avoid his gaze. Instead, you were looking at the skies. "Q-quit teasing me!"

How adorable, he thought.

"I'm not," he chuckles. "Why would I tease you?"

"I don't know!"

Jean was deciding whether he should admit his feelings right now. He has thought about it before. In fact, he even told Connie and Sasha about it and asked them for advice. They both couldn’t believe it at first, but seeing how different Jean was acting these days and how desperate he was for their help, they eventually did. Their best friend is indeed madly in love, and when they found out that it was you who Jean fell in love with, they were delighted. It wasn't just because you're their friend or the fact that you bring them food to enjoy after training. They liked you as a person and they know you'd be good for their best friend, Jean. they even had a bet on who will be the better wingman.

Truthfully, Jean was afraid that things might change between the two of you once he admits his feelings, but he just can't pretend to be "just friends" with you anymore. He can't pretend to be alright when you rest your head on his shoulder or when your fingers accidentally brush against each other whenever you two would walk. He can't ignore the way his heart flutters whenever you show him that sweet smile of yours, or when you laugh whenever Connie and Sasha teases him and he gets so annoyed (but it all goes away once he hears your laugh).

Jean just can't ignore the way his heart beats for you, and only you. At first, he thought that it was just a little crush, but he now knows that it's way more than that. He's deeply in love with you and he is very well aware that there is no escaping it. You've got him trapped under a spell already. An unbreakable one. In fact, he doesn't want to break it.

You now own his heart.

The boy wonders if your heart beats for him, too. He wonders if you feel the same about him. He wonders if he ever gave you butterflies. He wonders if you feel the sparks whenever you’re with him. He wonders if you were just as crazy about him, because he sure is crazy about you.

He wants to know, but that isn't important right now. Jean wants you to know how much he appreciates you and the happiness that you bring to him and his heart. He wants you to know about his feelings for you. Whether you feel the same or not, he will accept it no matter how risky this is. He just can't hide his feelings anymore for it drives him absolutely crazy. That's why even though he was exhausted from training earlier (which was pretty obvious for you since he was still wearing his uniform), he still chose to meet up with you. All he could think about for the whole day was you.

Jean was deciding whether he should follow Sasha or Connie’s advice. Sasha told him to just be honest and show you that he’s sincere, that his intentions are pure, while Connie simply told him to act cool. He doesn’t think he can “act cool” right now. As a matter of fact, he could feel sweat dripping down the sides of his face, so he decided that maybe it’s wise to go for Sasha’s advice now.

Jean takes a deep breath, there is no turning back now. "Y/N..." Jean says as he reaches for your soft hands to put it in his calloused ones. You snapped your head towards his direction, your eyes fell on your hands which were in his. Shock was displayed on your face when your eyes looked back up to meet Jean's. "I can't pretend anymore. I can't hide my feelings anymore."

"Jean, I-"

"It's alright, Y/N. It's fine if you don't feel the same. It's just that...I'm really, really in love with you, I just want you to know that," he confesses, not once did his eyes drift away from yours to prove his sincerity. However, the way you looked at him made him nervous. Clearly, you were shocked by his sudden confession. But again, whatever happens after this, whether he gets rejected or not, Jean will accept it. He just hopes you won't push him away.

Jean lets go of your hands, afraid that he has made you uncomfortable with his actions. You looked down, fiddling with your fingers, “I-I don’t know what to say. I didn’t expect you t-to feel the same. I honestly thought this will be like a one-sided love, you know,” you shyly spoke, avoiding his gaze.

After hearing your words, Jean was surprised. His eyebrows rose slightly as his mouth dropped open. He didn’t know how he will respond to that for he did not expect it despite the many possible outcomes he imagined. He didn’t expect you to feel just the same all this time. Was he dreaming? He blinked repeatedly and even pinched his arm to confirm if he was. To be loved by someone like you, it was just too good to be true.

His eyes. His enchanting brown eyes were all you needed to believe him for they displayed genuineness and love, and that is why you decided to listen to what your heart was telling you.

You did not expect this. You did not expect that you would be confessing to Jean and most importantly, you did not expect that he felt the same about you. It absolutely shocked you, because you really thought he only sees you as a friend. Jean has never showed a single hint about his feelings for you, that’s why you couldn’t believe the words that slipped past his mouth. You were thinking that he might be playing games with your heart but when your gaze met his, your doubts were gone all of a sudden.

You looked up at him with glossy eyes, “Jean, I'm in love with you. I don’t know when or how exactly, but you have been on my mind lately and I can’t get you out of it. Believe me, I tried to avoid it because I don’t want to ruin our friendship but I just can’t. I’m...I’m in love with you,” you let out, tears slowly falling down your tinted cheeks.

Jean did not fail to notice those tears, bringing his thumb up to your face to wipe them away. He then brushes your hair out of your face and tucks it behind your ear. “There’s nothing we can do now if our hearts beat for each other,” he says, displaying a soft smile to make you feel a bit better. “I was actually thinking twice about telling you, but I’m glad that I chose to go on with it.”

You were just the same. If he never admitted his feelings, you probably wouldn't as well. You would still be hiding, pretending to be "just friends" with the person you're deeply in love with. "What should we do now, Jean?"

"Well," Jean begins, "would you let me love you?"

“Are you asking me to be your girlfriend?” you giggled, scrunching your nose which made Jean’s lips curl into a smile. “Well, do you want to?”

You wouldn’t deny that you were scared, and it’s not only because you have never been in a relationship before. Your situation also contributed to it. Jean is a soldier of the Survey Corps while you were a civilian. Two completely different worlds. It frightened you that there might come a day that you won’t be able to see his beautiful face, gaze at his alluring eyes, feel his calming touch and hear his voice.

You wanted to try, nonetheless. Besides, you know Jean. He wasn’t just strong, he was also smart, and an absolutely incredible leader. He would fight for as long as he had to, and he wouldn’t give up. He would find solutions to problems, no matter how difficult the situation is. Despite your fears, you had faith. You had faith in Jean.

“Yes, Jean. I want to be yours,” you finally replied, earning a beaming smile from your lover. His smile was so contagious that you couldn’t help but smile, too. He brought your hand close to his face, not breaking eye contact, and pressed his soft lips on your knuckles. “You don’t know how happy I am right now, Y/N.”

“With that, I promise to make you happy for the rest of our lives,” he vows, pressing another kiss to your knuckles. “I promise to love you for the rest of our lives,” he adds, his lips pressed once more to your knuckles, earning a giggle from you which almost made Jean’s heart melt like ice.

Realizing that it was already late, Jean gets up. “I should probably get you home now. Your parents will kill me,” he chuckles, offering his hand to help you stand up. “They won’t! I bet mother will even ask you to join us for dinner.” you replied, taking his hand and got up to straighten your skirt and get the grass off. At the process of doing so, Jean offers you his brown jacket.

“It’s cold,” he says. You shook your head and told him that you’ll be fine, but he insisted, so you had no choice but to let him drape the jacket around your shoulders.

“Let’s go?” Jean asks, offering his hand once again, which you gladly took. He then intertwined your fingers which sent butterflies to your stomach. You haven’t been together for an hour yet he’s making you feel lots of things already. Well, he has made you feel those things before, but it’s different now that you aren’t “just friends” with him.

It’s different now that he is yours,

and you are his.

Jean smiles to himself as he looks back at the memories of him and you. At the same time, there was pain in his heart knowing that all he could do right now is look back at those memories now that he has lost you.

When he promised you back then that he will love and make you happy for the rest of your lives, he meant it. He may be young that time, specifically 15 years old just like you, but he meant every word. Now that you are both 19, he still wanted to keep that promise. However, life for him is just difficult right now and he didn’t want you to feel that, too.

Jean knows that you won’t come back, not after all the things he said earlier, although they were all lies. That does not change the fact that he has damaged you already.

The breakup earlier kept replaying inside Jean’s head. He can’t forget how you looked, and how broken you sounded like, and it’s breaking him. It’s killing him. His shaking hands were on both of his ears, covering them as he finally lets the tears he tried so hard to conceal earlier fall down. He was trying his best not to break down in front of you, but now he can’t handle it. He just lost the love of his life and he does not know if he’ll be able to recover from it, but he knows that it’s all his fault.

But he had a reason.

Tomorrow, he and a few comrades will be leaving Paradis to infiltrate Marley and rescue Eren. It isn’t his first time there but still, Jean was scared of what’s bound to happen. The possibility of not being able to return to Paradis alive also frightened him. Being a realist, Jean knows that any moment could be his last. He knows that he could die anytime. As cruel as it may be, but it is the truth and he wanted to shield you from the pain once it happens, that’s why he had to lie to you just this once.

He doesn’t want you to worry for him. He doesn’t want you to wait for nothing. He wants you to live a long and happy life, even if that means he’ll have to let you go. The idea of you spending your life with a man that’s not him kills him, but he doesn’t want to be selfish. He doesn’t want you to be deprived of your happiness.

Sometimes, Jean wished life for him was different. There were times that he did not want to be a soldier anymore but he devoted himself to humanity so he had no choice but to fight. Besides, despite how messy things are in his life, there was you. You were by his side...before.

You were Jean’s distraction. You were his breath of fresh air. You were his escape from the cruel reality of this world. No matter what the situation is, no matter how difficult things are, as long as he had you by his side, Jean had faith that all this suffering everything will come to an end and he’ll be able to live a normal life with you.

In this endless war, Jean was able to find peace in your arms. You gave him the peace that he was fighting for, even if it’s just for a moment. You were Jean’s peace and strength, and you gave him more reasons to fight.

He was lucky to have a woman like you in his life, his best friends and even his mother would constantly tell him that. “it would be such a great loss for you if you let her go,” his mother would add. Jean knows that for a fact. He was grateful to have you and he thanked his lucky stars every damn night that he found you.

But now that he has lost you, Jean isn’t so sure if he would still be able to have the peace that you gave him whenever he needed it. He isn’t so sure if he’ll still be able to handle things the same way without you.

It is indeed a great loss, that’s why Jean spent the rest of the night, underneath the tree full of memories of you, crying to himself to numb the pain that his heart was feeling. Once he was sure that he has cried all his tears, although he’s sure that they’ll be coming back the moment he thinks of you, he finally got up to leave the place, not turning his head to look back, and headed back to the Survey Corps headquarters.

The moment Jean stepped foot in the headquarters, he was immediately bombarded with questions by Connie and Sasha who seemed to have noticed the pain in his eyes. They know him more than anyone else in there so they were sure that something happened between the two of you and they didn’t want jean to feel alone. They didn’t want him to carry all the pain. Jean, knowing that he won’t be able to escape the two, took them to the mess hall once everyone else is fast asleep and told them everything. He couldn’t fight the tears in his eyes as he relives what happened earlier, but he didn’t care. Besides, Connie and Sasha are his best friends. Other than his mother and you, Jean has them by his side and he is eternally grateful though he wouldn’t say it out loud.

Sasha had to wipe away the tears in her eyes after hearing about the breakup, “I’m sorry, couldn’t help myself,” she says. “but honestly, Jean, you didn’t have to lie to her. I think Y/N would understand if you told her the truth. She’s literally the most understanding person I have ever met!”

“That’s why he had to lie, Sasha,” said Connie, “because Y/N would understand the real situation and she will wait for Jean no matter how long it takes and he doesn’t want that for her. But don’t get me wrong, that really was painful, Jean. I wonder how Y/N’s doing.”

Sasha nods, “Though that whole cheating thing’s a lie, she’s probably going to think we tolerated that but if it was true, I’ll bite your hand off, Jean,” she says, pointing her finger at the anguished man who sat across her and Connie as if she was threatening him, “But for real, that will probably scar Y/N for life. I feel really bad for her.”

A heavy sigh escaped Jean's lips, “Earlier was the first time that I’ve seen her cry that much, but Y/N’s a strong girl. She’ll forget me one day.”

Sasha takes a bite of the bread she has in her hand before she spoke again, “I doubt she will. She loves you so much, Jean, and how long were you two together? 4 years, right? It wouldn’t be so easy to forget someone you loved for 4 years...and you were each other’s first love! It will surely take years...or maybe even an eternity!” she lets out then took another bite off the bread.

“If they really are meant for each other, then they’ll surely find their way back to each other, you know,” Connie comments. Jean hopes so, but at the same time, he know that it isn’t possible. He thinks that you probably won’t forgive him, nor you would want to see him after all of that, which is understandable.

"I don't know, really. Even if i were to tell her the truth, and that is if I'm still alive once we get back from Marley, I don't think she'll ever forgive me," Jean admits.

"Oi, don't say that! Don’t you dare die! You’re our Commanding Officer. We will all get back here in one piece so don’t worry, Jean. After this, I'll help you get Y/N back," Sasha winks at Jean. "I'm the best wingman, after all," she whispers, but it was still loud enough for Connie to hear. He had an eyebrow raised, “Absolutely not! We’re supposed to be a team here!”

Sasha shook her head, “No, i think my help is enough. Right, Commanding Officer?”

Jean only chuckled at the sight of his best friends fighting over who is the better wingman for him, just like before. If he didn’t have them in his life, he would probably keep all the pain to himself. He wouldn’t know what to do. He already lost Marco, and it was devastating. If he loses either Connie or Sasha, or both of them, he wouldn’t be able to handle the pain that would bring. Sure, they’ve lost comrades they fought alongside with, who also served as their friends in the survey corps, but he can’t afford to lose those two even though they could sometimes be a pain in the ass. Connie and Sasha weren’t just Jean’s comrades or his best friends. He saw them as his family in the Survey Corps.

While the two kept arguing, Jean takes the golden necklace out of his chest pocket, the one that you returned to him earlier. Looking at the jewelry in his hand, he remembers how he saved up money just so he can get it for you. On the day he purchased it at the market together with Sasha and Connie, they couldn’t believe that he was serious about buying it since it was very expensive. The smile on your face when you wore it for the first time was all that mattered to Jean. No amount of money can compare to that beautiful smile of yours. That sweet smile of yours always gave him a reason to get up from bed and live life to the fullest, but now that you’re gone, life to him will surely be different.

A weak smile appeared on Jean’s lips as he gazes at your necklace, one of the only things he has with the memories of you other than your handkerchief that you also gave him. “Maybe in another life, my love,” he breathes before shoving the jewelry back to his chest pocket.

In another life, a better one, Jean wants to experience what it's like to live in a world without titans, where things can be settled without war. A world where he isn’t a soldier. A world where he doesn’t have to risk his life fighting for peace and freedom anymore. It must be a really good life. Not that he regrets the choices he made in the past, but he wants to know if that life is possible for him to achieve, and if it is, he's willing to fight just to experience it.

In that life, if possible, Jean hopes to meet you again so he can finally live in peace with you. He dreams to spend his whole life with you and not think about what the future may bring now that you're both in a better place and time, with nothing to tear you two apart. He dreams of holding your hand and loving you for as long as he could, building a family and watch his beautiful children grow with you being Mrs. Kirstein, his wife. Indeed, that "better life" that he has in his mind was too good to be true, but having a dream is not so bad. After all he did for humanity, maybe Jean does deserve that life he longs for.

A peaceful and happy life where you and him will be inseparable.

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ancharan · 4 years

Text

madara leaving the village because he wanted to spare hashirama having to make the choice to sacrifice him just as he wanted to spare the world from having to make that same choice over and over and over again - severing the karmic cycle of the world he doesn’t blame hashirama for killing him! he knew it would come down to it eventually, and he forced the issue by attacking konoha in order to get hashirama’s cells. he knew hashirama would choose the village, like, there’s not even a choice to be made there, it’s obvious which one he would pick. tobirama or me? madara’s quotes to obito - the world is suffering, for there to be victors there must also be losers. who won at the valley of the end? was it hashirama, for killing his best friend? was it madara, for surviving? madara acknowledges the sacrifice hashirama made - he willingly classifies himself as a sacrifice, one that hashirama makes for the sake of the village. he admires hashirama’s resolve, at this point, but doesn’t agree with his direction - the quote you’re mistaking the means for the end. ive gone over all this before - the village being meant to bring about peace, village for village’s sake is a self-destructive spiral, blah blah. madara knows what hashirama feels, he knows how he thinks (i’d like to think i know you pretty well) so he doesn’t blame him for killing him. it’s not a matter of broken trust because madara knew hashirama was going to kill him from the minute he forced the issue! madara (accurately) knows that his relationship with hashirama wouldn’t stand in the way of hashirama’s resolve to protect the lives of innocents - that’s part of why he loves him! when i say madara positioned himself as a sacrifice in the valley of the end, i mean it as in he put a loaded gun in hashirama’s hand, pointed hashirama’s arm towards him, and then forced hashirama to pull the trigger.

madara’s reinforcing his own determination through hashirama’s - hashirama was willing to throw everything away for the sake of the village (”even my own child”) and madara knows that he can’t go back now. he still admires hashirama! he’s steeled himself to his goal. he’s taken hashirama’s flesh and now we know he’s taken his words, too, because he repeats them verbatim to tobirama. we even see him talk about an aspect of this in his speech to obito - when he’s talking about winners and losers, he’s talking about the fact that hashirama was forced to kill madara by this hell world and the circumstances that they found themselves in! if they lived in a perfect world both of their goals could have coexisted - but of course, they live in hell, so hashirama had to kill madara. i think madara admires hashirama’s RESOLVE at this point; madara thinks hashirama’s just deeply misguided (thinking the village will lead to peace; the village will lead to dark ess, etc.) i don’t think madara saw hashirama clinging to the village as abandoning their plan just bc madara never fucking TELLS him his plan lmao. this guy absolutely refuses to fucking communicate at ALL - and i think part of that is that he knows what he’s going to do is stupid and probably won’t work, and he knows it’ll ruin his life trying to achieve it. i think he’s sheltering hashirama from it deliberately. if he makes hashirama betray him, if he makes sure hashirama stays in konoha and stays focused on the village, that leaves madara to be the sacrificial pig that will go achieve eternal tsukyomi for the both of them. madara definitely considers his work an extension of hashirama’s, so i think i’m solid with this analysis, lmao.

so why is he quoting the speech to tobirama? bc i think madara, even though he was understanding about why he died, was still not happy that it happened. i think he holds a lot of resentment towards tobirama, for a lot of reasons - none of which are super important to madara anymore by the time the shinobi war rolls around, but that old resentment is still there nonetheless. he obviously hates him for killing izuna. i think it wouldn’t be farfetched to say that he probably resents tobirama for even being hashirama’s brother - he is the “correct choice” that hashirama can make, after all. he gets to live in the village, at hashirama’s side, he gets to become hokage and watch his students prosper in this town that madara and hashirama bled for. obviously, madara could never have had what hashirama and tobirama had, just because the relationship between hashirama and madara was never sheer brotherly love, and because madara simply isn’t hashirama’s brother. but resentment doesn’t really follow logic all the time. not to mention, i don’t think it’d be too far from canon to say that tobirama probably feels the exact same way, in reverse - even though he gets to live in the village and watch his students grow into shinobi, and even though he “wins” by enacting all the policies he wants, and even though hashirama chose him and the village over madara when it came down to it - there’s probably still that little spark of doubt. because what if madara hadn’t forced the issue? what if he had let things simmer on their own? there would be a conflict, definitely - if we’re going off of the way things were in canon, madara’s presence in the village would have sparked some kind of fight sooner or later. there would have been contention over the role of hokage, or the role of the uchiha in the village, or madara’s presence in the uchiha clan itself - any number of these things. at that point, who’s to say whose side hashirama would take? if madara hadn’t straight up attacked with the kyuubi, if madara was “playing along” with the village project... i don’t know! i feel like there’s about an equal chance of him going either way. and i think the thought of that would stick around in tobirama’s mind, even when he’s wrist-deep in an autopsy on madara’s corpse.but back to why madara’s saying this to tobirama - i think tobirama is a much easier vessel for madara to pour all his blame into. he can channel any sense of betrayal he felt over his death (understanding why something happens doesn’t always make it easy to swallow) at hashirama’s hands into his hatred of tobirama, because tobirama is, more or less, responsible for the village turning out the way it did, for good or evil. tobirama was one of the founders! he had just as much influence on the destiny of the village as hashirama, and since madara can’t bring himself to actually resent hashirama for killing him (see above), he unloads on tobirama as a hashirama stand-in that he can actually hate.

#naruto #hashimada #senju hashirama #uchiha madara #senju tobirama #this is BARELY COHERENT im warning u

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baku-writes · 3 years

Note

Heyyy can I request a bakugo x reader where she has a very high spicy food tolerance just like him and they have a competition or smth idk just this lil thing that caught his attention and made him think about her and so on haha xx

OOO this will be my first time attempting to write a short drabble or whatever you call it (idk) so I am really sorry if it is bad. And idk how to do most things on tumblr so I am sorry if this doesn't work out!!💞💞

SPICY FOOD

. Like Bakugo, you have a VERY high spice tolerance, it is borderline concerning.

. Legit, you could eat a few spicy chillies as a snack without breaking a sweat, it's honestly scary ngl

. One day when y'all were at the dorms you decided to try out some new spicy ramen you found at the store, mina recommended it to you to try and keep up with your spicy cravings (you bought a couple packs)

. UNFORTUNATELY FOR YOU, the hot headed -asshole- bakugo had found one of your packs and also decided to make some right then and there WITHOUT YOUR PERMISSION 😃

. So you were stood there like 🧍‍♀️ (🧍‍♂️)

. When Bakugo finally took notice of you, you finally said "make me some" (you whispered asshole under your breath but don't let bakuhoe know that)

. So he made some for you two, obviously complaining about you "wasting his time" and "eating his food" EVEN THOUGH YOU BOUGHT THE SHIT. But ok.

. Once it was done you two sat down in the common area, watching everyone else play games, talk about hero stuff or chat about random shit (mineta is being throttled by aizawa in the corner)

. Both you and bakugo start eating, obviously he feels the KICK this spicy food brings but enjoys the pain (I honestly don't know how, spicy food makes me cry lmao).

. But when he notices that you don't even react to the SPICE 👀

. He feels challenged and honestly a bit threatened... like this bish just ate a whole mouth full of INCREDIBLY spicy food and didn't even react.....

. Anyways, like I said he was challenged. He is supposed to be THE VERY BEST at tolerating spicy food and here you are.... eating the same food as him and he is beginning to feel the pain

. "Hey dumbass, too spicy for ya?" He decides to push the boundaries a lil bit, see if you're just putting on a facade

. "No but you look a little bit red kacchan" 😏 (sorry but I just love a bit of sas within a reader)

. "OI..... It's not spicy, it's just warm in here". Just to prove it he takes another slurp and feels himself easing into the pain, this is probably a good sign for him lmao

. "Since you stole MY food how about we have a contest for who can eat the most spicy food without drinking milk or backing down? Who ever loses has to do the others homework." You knew what you were doing, you have missed 3 assignment and you weren't motivated to do them at all. Fortunately, bakugo can't back down from a challenge (even if he knows he will lose)

. AND SO THE COMPETITION BEGUN!!!

. You ate bite after bite after bite of the ramen and you gotta admit, the spice was getting to you. You may have a high tolerance but you ain't invincible 👀

. It was the exact same for bakugo. He knew he was dying you knew it too but damn his ego would kill him if he ever admitted he would lose.

. Just when you thought you were at breaking point, Bakugo full on RAN to the kitchen and grabbed the milk.

. He chugged that bitch down like he just ran a marathon. His throat and mouth was burning. He couldn't feel his tounge and the after taste turned nasty. He was almost positive something in his mouth was bleeding.

. You knew he was in exceptional pain by the explosions going off in his hands.

. "HAHAHA! THE GREAT BAKUGO KATSUKI LOOSES HIS TITLE!" You soon followed after him, chugging down some milk. But who cares. You won 😏

. Let's just say Bakugo may be a sore loser and try to claim "his was spicier". But he stuck with his end of the deal and did your homework (he even tidied your room a lil bit for you)

. And at the end of it he actually found some more respect for you, and kindled a friendship with you (later earning feelings but 👀👀)

. All of that bc if a spicy ramen contest.

. He would hang out with you every day, help you in class and help with your training. If you ever got hurt he would lash out on bishes. (On your period if you're female he would bring you spicy and sweet food)

. Overall he would just stick with you. You were one of the few that were allowed in his dorm room, and in thers you would just watch movies and study together. Surprisingly he was calmer than he let on and that just made your heart go 💞💞💞

. Let's just say after 6 months of valuing you as one of his closest friends he asked screamed at you demanding you date him you out and obviously you said yes.

. Let's just say on the weekend you guys have spixyeating contests (you win most of them but please don't make fun of bakugo. He will gi to the extreme of winning and he won't be able to feel his mouth 😔)

ANYWAYS, I hope this is what you wanted! Again this is my first ever request to do this stuff and my first ever time trying. Please let me know what you think about it and if I should do more!! Also any tips on how to do stuff will help so much!!

#bakugo x reader

#bakugou x reader

#mha x reader

#bakugou katsuki x reader

#bakugou katsuki

#mha

#bnha

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silkylious · 3 years

Text

MERRY CHRISTMAS AND HAPPY HOLIDAYS EVERYONE!!

I'd like to dedicate a post to all the wonderful people that I've had the absolute privilege and pleasure to befriend this year! I feel very thankful for having the chance to talk to each one of you and I just want you all to know that I love you so, so much, you've helped me get through this year and make it that much more bearable. So I'd like to say thank you to:

@lady-bakuhoe I still remember in May when you replied to my message and reblogged my first fanfic, I almost went into cardiac arrest. You're one of the very first people I knew of and admired on here, way before I even started this blog. You kickstarted my blog in more ways than one, you first inspired me to share my writing out there and you helped me gain my footing when I first started out. Idek how I can explain how grateful I am to you, I honestly wouldn't even have this blog without you.

@sassi-sunflower i hopped into your dm's almost exactly five months ago, and my god that is the best decision I've made all year by far. I never, ever would have thought that that first time I slid into your inbox and said "you're cute" would spark such a beautiful friendship but holy shit I wouldn't trade it for the world. We just clicked so well in our first conversation and I still remember it very vividly, I remember gushing to my older brother about this adorable, hilarious friend that I made online, I remember messing up my already shitty sleeping schedule so that our time zones sync up and we could talk. You literally make me so happy whenever I get to talk to you, I'm so fucking glad I decided to check out the blog that kept popping up in my notifications, so fucking grateful I sent you an ask that one time, because fuck you're such an amazing, close friend to me.

@dimplesum and @tamasoft y'all are my very first mutuals fr you're my day 1. I remember when 'tsunami' first blew up and I was so overwhelmed with the positive feedback, I get this dm from ellie and it just warms my fucking heart, and then I see faye's reblog and almost faint. your words meant so damn much to me, you gave my the courage to keep writing and posting, you gave me this security that even if my shit flops, if I'm overwhelmed with my personal life I'd still have two phenomenal mutuals to turn to if I needed guidance, especially since I was so fucking new to tumblr. Your writing on its own has brightened my days in so many times it's crazy. I'm so happy I had you guys to support me when I first started out, it means the world to me.

@sugacookiies I hit you up in dm's back when your url was still bnha-homeroom, and I don't regret it one bit!! You're literally the sweetest person ever, it made my whole fucking day when I saw you on my dash or in my dm's. You're one of the first people I reached out to on here and I genuinely get so elated whenever we talk. Your writing is some of the fucking best I've ever read like sometimes I just go back to specific pieces of yours to read them for the nth time and still be in awe of each word.

@fanfic-me-up and @vannahfanfics I love you guys to the moon and fucking back. Both of you are so fucking supportive omggg Bria whenever I see you in my notifications or dm's I beam. your comments on my writing literally mean so much to me, they fucking boost my mood into the stratosphere, I love love love every conversation I have with you babe. And vannah I admire you so. Fucking. Much. The way you manage to always put in so much hardwork and consistency in your writing while balancing a heavy academic life is fucking unfathomable to me. And you deserve all the credit for it, like you're so damn underrated it hurts. You're such an inspiration to me dude, I strive to be like you fr.

@keeijiakaashi (edited in later bc tumblr hates me and didn't save my first draft 🤡) Clio my online sister, I'd like to thank you for unknowingly stopping so many breakdowns I almost had. Your advice is absolutely priceless, I'm so fucking happy you stumbled upon my blog a couple months ago because you legit make me feel like I have a cool older punk rock sister that I can talk to about anything and everything. Just seeing you in my notifications makes me smile, even if I'd been crying over biology two seconds before lol

@marilags uh hey hi hello goddess of writing I'd like to first say that I grovel at the feet of every piece I read from you. I just... How is it so good??? I legit spend SO much time analyzing why I like each work of yours and honestly that inadvertently makes me improve too. I've loved your writing from afar for a while now but then I started interacting with you recently and ??? You're such a sweetheart???? Like ma'am this isn't fair, you get to pick one, either be super talented and hardworking or be the most adorable person ever, not both. Hands down my biggest writing inspiration, immaculate immaculate immaculate.

@honeykeigo Erika please you're like my main source of serotonin at this point. Your writing is so fucking good, and seeing your character anon interactions in my dash makes my day. Every now and then when I'm hit with a depressive episode, reading your stuff or just seeing you on my dash elevates my mood a lott you don't even know. Please keep doing what you're doing because it brings a smile to my face.

@khionne ❗❗ UNDERRATED WRITER ALERT ❗❗please if you haven't read anything from khione yet, I'm telling you right now: go do yourself a service and binge her entire masterlist I'm begging you. There are so many gems in this fandom it's unreal, and khione is one of em. Bro I love talking to you so much, we share the exact same academic pain LMAO I've only known you for short bit of time and I'm so excited to get to know you better. Also our first interaction almost made me cry lmfao

@mypimpademia @sophie-writings @todosweetheart @burnedbyshoto @miriossunshine @mrs-atushiro @raes-ramblings I am not so close with any of you guys but reading your works has helped me get through this year in some way or another, either by inspiring me to write myself, or just being my comfort when I needed it, thank you for putting out such great content <3

@chitziburn @lucyheartfilias-wife @bluemonochromes @howcanibreathewithnozaire @msngyu I see you guys in my notifications frequently! Thank you for supporting me it really means a lot <3

#appreciation post #merry christmas everyone <3 #silky talks

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jonathanrook · 3 years

Note

legally i have to give you intern 2

em you have awoken an ungodly beast inside me so i need to warn everyone that this post is. incomprehensible. but so is mymusic so i guess we're all used to it.

How I feel about this character:

i watched mymusic as it was airing/running/coming out specifically bc i'm a jack stannie, and as a kid melvin was my second favorite character (w scene being in first, obvs) for mostly that reason. he basically hovered around this ranking until my most recent rewatch in the summer of 2020, which was actually spurred by some events in my personal life that vaguely reminded me of scene's season two arc w jeff, and i thought it'd been a funny/nostalgic way to get my mind off things.

(i want to side note here that -- i know you didn't ask, but -- i love jeff. i have since i was a kid. like, obviously not as a person but i think he's honestly the best written character in the series, w indie close in second. idk what it says about the f*nes that their most interesting and well rounded characters are the villains, but i digress. to this day i'm salty that jeff never got added to the theme song and wasn't really included in promotional merch.)

however, in said rewatch, certain things about how he was written started to really get under my skin, and certain moments in particular have really stuck out to me in a negative way. like, for the entirety of season one and a good chunk of season two he's one person, and then he leaves mymusic and we have an entirely different person, but not in a nuanced character building sort of way.

i've said a few of these points before but i'll repeat them here regardless. at the risk of sounding like i've put on a tin-foil hat, it's my sneaking suspicion that scindie was supposed to be endgame, but since fan reception to it was pretty neutral, and scenechart stans were, at the very least, more vocal, changes were made to the intended finale, which is why in the last scene he's basically just. indie. like, if everything about the show was exactly the same but indie was the one who had ended up w scene in the end that would have made so much more sense since a) scene had a crush on indie that he/everyone knew about and b) indie was kind of a dick despite the half-assed attempts at redemption, so both combined make it slightly less weird/out-of-nowhere that he kisses her w/o her consent (since, even though like. implied consent is not real at worst and a fuzzy subject at best but you could argue that scene would want indie to kiss her); and this isn't even taking into consideration that c) melvin is heavily queer-coded in both seasons, with his friendship with nerdcore being, dare i say, homoerotic at times, and his arc about leaving the company and changing his name mirroring nerdcore's almost perfectly (with nerdcore being a character who b*nny [at least] has all but confirmed is actually gay).

i've also been on the fence about melvin's behavior in that final scene making more sense for indie's character being an intentional decision as a way of shoe-horning in a theme about the lasting effects of abuse/cycles of abuse/the corruption of power but i also don't think the f*nes are smart enough for that. however, for the sake of defending my straw theory, i also point to the scene where indie comes to visit the acid factory after melvin told him to shut up, and we see melvin use reggie as a foot-stool, going as far as to say that it feels good to do so (which, in all honesty, i think is a bit that was entirely improvised, since the f*nes were "notorious for never saying cut" [paraphrased from a bts video], but work w me here). he's also given a seltzer mug that perfectly resembles indie's kombucha mug. in these moment melvin is directly emulating the behavior of his previous abuser, purposefully or not, literal moments after being promoted to an equal position of authority, which was totally just included as a joke, but could also be argued is meant to show that he's becoming indie; or, if we acknowledge that the f*nes have no fucking clue what they're doing and were just directing like chickens with their heads cut off, it at least shows that melvin's new position of power is leading him to understand where indie was coming from, which is supported by their conversation in the finale.

the following contains a couple brief mentions of irl sexual assault so if that's something you'd like to avoid skip to the next section!

HOWEVER, that alone isn't what i have a problem with, since i think melvin is completely justified in being a dick to indie (and also reggie enthusiastically consents to being used as an ottoman so good for him i guess). the issue comes completely in how he treats scene in the scenes where the f*nes clearly thought what they were writing was super romantic. like, the fact that the only thing he's got hung on his cubicle wall is a single picture of scene taken from the fucking opening credits (like. how hard would it have been to have. literally any other photo[s] esp since there's an abundance of cute bts pics of the cast in costume that could have been put there) and him scrolling through her twitter at work really creep me out (and at the risk of oversharing the weird, like, social media stalking angle really fucks w me bc that may or may not have been the exact fucking thing i was trying to escape in rewatching mymusic in the first place). also, having him sexually assault scene as a means of comforting her after she had just been sexually assaulted in the same way by someone else was... a choice (which is also, uh, personally familiar).

again, i recognize that demonizing melvin wasn't what the f*nes were trying to do here, and i perhaps seem hypocritical for opening liking jeff, but what makes jeff work is he's intentionally "the bad guy." having melvin do the same things as indie and jeff uncritically only proves further that the f*nes can't write for shit, and ruins his character which had, up until he quit mymusic, been unironically good. like, it's obviously not beneficial that the exact asshole things he does are personally triggering, but the character would still be a mess and i would still dislike him regardless.

i want to say though that jack delivers a surprisingly great performance despite how shoddily his character is constructed and how little experience he has as an actor. like, it's clear he was having a lot of fun on set and i would love to see him in something, like, good; i think he could pull off even like, guest television roles, which is a lot more than can be said for other youtubers.

-----

All the people I ship romantically with this character:

nerdchart should have been canon i'm sorry. i know that close, nonromantic male friendships are valuable, esp between queer men, but also gd wouldn't it have been baller to have a canon interracial mlm ship. like. c'mon. and they could have been such a good friends to lovers story! we already got to see how melvin was the only person nerdcore could really be himself around so it would have been so cool if melvin's self-advocacy arc/flowchart arc had revolved more around nerdcore with a little role-reversal! and then they kiss! like god intended!

also i ship him and indie bc i'm a grubby little gremlin man ohoho. enemies w weird sexual tension? sign me up. not even enemies to lovers i'm not saying this one should have been canon i just love the vibes. do you think melvin and indie ever explored each other's bod-- *gunshot*

-----

My non-romantic OTP for this character:

i wish him and scene had just been bros. god remember in season one when they were just bros that was the life.

alternatively, i wish we'd seen more bonding w him and metal, as a means of reconciling that. uh. moment from season one. along similar lines i would have loved to see him get closer w rayna in a similar way to how she bonded w nerdcore in season two. i think that could have also worked to show how she'd grown between the two seasons.

-----

My unpopular opinion about this character:

HIM. AND. SCENE. SHOULD. HAVE. JUST. BEEN. BROS. (though i think my general dislike of him is pretty unpopular, lmao).

when the show was coming out i don't think it's unfair to say that scenechart/scenetern 2 was the most popular ship (aside from potentially techstep whatever) but luckily we're all gay and have better taste now. unfortunately i totally fell into this camp and scenechart was even my otp for years (until it was arguably more unfortunately usurped by reddie in 2019) and i didn't even realise that it's a hot mess until, again, the summer of 2020.

when actually watching the show the choices the f*nes made in regards to how the ship actually became canon are so odd and out of place, too? okay, so, on one hand everyone just shipped scenechart bc it was the whitest hettiest ship in the show (esp in season two when idol left) aside from scindie (and we already discussed what's wrong w that). but, on the other hand, lainey and jack clearly also just got along? and i suspect that lainey probably also admired jack's work and was happy to be working with him bc we have so many shots throughout even the first season when the ship wasn't the intended endgame of lainey scene looking really fondly at jack melvin at times when it doesn't make much sense at all, esp since she's smitten w indie? this trend continues into the second season which arguably works but it still seems really out of place for him to be the one to ultimately make the first move on her since it's clear she was the one crushing this whole time and also he's gay! this bitch is gay what the fuck!!

-----

One thing I wish had happened with this character in canon:

at this point i'm struggling to think of anything i haven't covered yet. oops.

i've talked at length before about how he should have been a woman/lesbian, but the tl;dr is that it would have solved a lot of the queer-coding "problems" that just didn't get resolved in the show. if he'd been a lesbian then not only would the friendship w nerdcore still made sense, but scenechart would have as well (not even mentioning that both of scene's other relationships w men make a lot of sense as comphet anyway).

#long post #this took me an hour to write i literally had to get a snack in the middle of it #mymusicshow #mymusic show #question #mlentertainment #also having a character named scene when you have to write about scenes like. in a story is an absolute bitch

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avengersassemble-fics · 4 years

Text

New Perspective

part 03/?? “there’s no you and me”

masterlist

previous part // next part

word count 5k

an: oops. we find out some interesting stuff in this chapter, and see things from steve’s side a bit. ALSO RENATA WAS THE NAME OF PIERCE’S HOUSEKEEPER SO I USED THAT I thought it was funny bc... well ya know, ties this all pretty in a bow lmao. Renata deserved better! also... don’t worry, we will see what’s been going down with the unnamed ex husband soon :) TW; talks of a panic attack.

Normally news like this for someone like you would have made them ecstatic, and full of life. Given the amount of time and effort (and albeit money) that went in to try to even make something like this happen would have made you jump for joy. But the person you were two months ago and the person you were today were two almost different people. Well.. Okay, not totally different but different enough to think ‘What the fuck. What the fuck. Is this real life?’

Indeed it was, as the doctor told you. Three times to be exact. And even leaving their office you couldn’t completely believe it, even though you knew it to be true. It was like two parts of yourself were arguing with one another on who was right, the doctor or the fear that filled your chest. But when you found yourself outside the new location of your soon-to-be-ex husbands apartment, you knew the rational side of yourself had won this battle.

Two things didn’t go as you expected that day. The doctor's revelations, and then the reaction you received from your ex. Just how you said earlier that you weren’t a totally changed person in the now two months you’ve been separated, you did what you had come to know of yourself. You isolated yourself from the world. You ignored the texts and calls from your friends, ignored the message you glanced at from your new divorce attorney, and laid down in your bed and stared at the ceiling. You had managed to doze off a couple of times, but they were empty rests. You woke up with burning eyes and an estranged look each time without fail.

So when the familiar giggles and other unthoughtful sounds started to seep through your shared wall, you were up and out of the room before you could hear any more. Even after coming to rest on the couch you could hear the taps of something hitting the wall on the other side and god damn it you didn’t want to hear it. You were pulling open the door that led to your little stairs and in a matter of seconds you were sitting in your usual spot, trying to feel as much cool air as you could.

Your chest felt like it was heavier, more fragile. Each breath you took worked to calm the tension that had built in not only your shoulders and back, but in your heart. The air came in deep, and exhaled just as much. Your eyes fixated on the edge of the building as tears began to build behind your gaze. You hadn’t even heard the now familiar footsteps that came from behind you.

You and Steve only interacted on those two occasions, and it was dumbfounding why he still chose to come out here after his excursions with your neighbor. There was no rooftop dinner this time, or at least there was no remnants of it on your journey up here, so what was the excuse this time for his intrusion on your pity party?

When Steve came around the edge of the seat you always occupied, and that he would join you on, he didn’t even notice your disheveled appearance. He had walked past and to the edge, peering at something down below that you (obviously) couldn’t see.

“Every time I find you out here, I worry you’re really thinking about jumping ya know,” Steve joked. Or tried to joke, you didn’t think it was all that funny right now. “Gotta check and make sure-”

His sentence was cut off short when he turned back to face you and inevitably saw the look on your face, and your deadset eyes. With the sudden silence you pulled your gaze from the cement and met his, and saw his smile fall. Steve saw the wetness that hung on your lower lashes, and gulped down the knot that had formed at the back of his throat. You averted your attention back to something other than him, and Steve took a step closer to you.

“You’re kinda worrying me, angel,” he said. His steps brought him closer until he was easing himself next to you, on the edge respectfully as he always did, and your eyes fluttered to glance at him for only a moment. “Is everything okay?”

You opened your mouth to reply, but nothing came out. You closed your mouth and instead offered a simple shrug of your shoulders. Steve glanced over you and the pajamas that covered you from the brisk chilly air, and sighed a bit.

“Do I need to beat someone up?” He asked, and rested his arms on his legs to lean forward towards you. “Ya know I’ve never liked bullies. Did someone.. Do something to you? Have they hurt you?”

“Jesus, no. No one-” you finally spoke and trailed off. A hint of relaxation fell over Steve’s eyes at the sound of your voice. You let out a deep sigh and looked to the ground. Steve lowered his head a bit so he could see the side of your face.

“Gotta tell me what’s wrong,” he whispered. “Or else I won’t know how to help you-”

“I’m pregnant,” you blurted in a whisper. Steve’s mouth went from a shocked expression to a closed, grim look. You looked over at him to see his stare and shrugged your shoulders. “Don’t see how you can help with that. Or would even want to.”

Steve was used to these kinds of comments. In fact, they were always true when spoken from the women who said them to him. But he couldn’t help but feel a pang of hurt when you said something that, in hindsight, was true. If Steve had happened upon someone in this state, and if they were unlikely to fall under his charm or even reveal something like this, he would be gone in an instant.

You weren’t just someone though.

Steve looked up to meet your gaze and he gave you a smile. “I’ll tell you what, angel,” he shifted so he could face you better and you straightened your position at his moves, a bit intrigued. “Let’s make this a permanent thing. Anytime I’m around, we can still sit up here, and talk. And I’ll be here every time you need me. Every time.”

You glanced over him and narrowed your eyes a bit after taking in his thoughtful composure. “Why..?”

“Because despite your glowing opinion of me,” Steve joked and it finally got you to roll your eyes and crack a smile. He couldn’t help but grin at the action. “I do care. Can’t have a pretty girl like you all sad and mopey like you were.”

“How will you know when I need you?” You asked, and fiddled with your fingers in your lap. Steve reached over and grabbed ahold of your fidgeting digits, and gave your hands a slight squeeze.

“I’ll just know,” he said and smiled. You looked him over once more before giving him a small smile back, and Steve nodded as he released his grip on you. “Besides, I’ll be able to hear you crying through the wall if I don’t become your personal therapist.”

You scoffed and hit his arm with the back of your hand. Steve chuckled at your playful movement and a comfortable silence fell over you two. He could tell just by your composure you were a little more at ease, but he knew something was still on your mind. So he did something he hasn’t done before. Steve moved so he too could rest against the back cushion, and he was side by side with you now. He laced his fingers together in his lap and then looked over at you, and bumped your shoulder with his gently.

“Come on, tell me what’s on your mind,” he offered. “I thought this was what you wanted? Granted it doesn’t fix the affair.. But it finally happened. Isn’t that good?”

“Under different circumstances? It would be perfect,” you chuckled a bit at yourself and shook your head. “But he cheated.. He left.. And he doesn’t want anything to do with it. ‘There’s no you and me’, he said.”

Steve shook his head to himself and rolled his eyes. This guy sounded like a complete asshole. Steve couldn’t bring himself to understand how any man would do this to someone like you. “The more I hear about this guy, the more of an idiot he sounds like.. Do you want me to go teach him some manners?”

“Oh what, because you don’t like bullies?” You have let out a chuckle between the words and bobbed your head a bit at him in a mocking tone, and Steve grinned a bit.

“Damn right I don’t like bullies,” he mimicked you and bobbed his head in your direction and you genuinely laughed at him. Your laughter echoed over the street and between the buildings and Steve found himself staring. When you finally quieted down to giggles and met his gaze again, he snapped out of it.

“But really.. He was just as involved in the process,” Steve said and motioned his hand over you. “I say you take him for a ride, get everything from him.”

“I don’t want everything,” you said a bit quieter. “You know what I want the most?”

A question Steve has heard a great number of times from women, and he always knew the answer. But he found himself leaning in a little closer to hear yours. “What do you want the most?”

“To feel like me again,” you said with a slight shrug and looked up to meet his look.

Steve blinked a couple times as your words sunk in for him. It became a bit more clear in that moment for him that he hung onto your every word like it was the last thing he would ever hear in his life. It wasn’t long after those words were said did you excuse yourself to go back to the confines of your apartment. Steve could tell even when you gave him one final look before disappearing behind your door that you were still upset. But there wasn’t much more he could do, once you were in your apartment, that was it. He had to go.

He never stayed over at Sharon’s. He always left a note and gave some kind of excuse about needing to be ready for work and he didn’t want to wake her, but it was honestly bullshit. He could admit that, and he thinks a small part of Sharon knew that too. Steve would slip out and give a small tug on the door to make sure it had indeed locked behind him, and then make his way to the stairs and bounce down them as normal. That night he paused outside your door and smiled to himself before continuing on his way.

Steve didn’t know why he had become entranced with the woman he was sleeping with’s neighbor. But as a week passed, he sat in the same spot he had once before on Bucky’s couch, holding a beer, and zoned out of whatever his friend was trying to talk to him about. Bucky ran a hand through his hair and his gaze fell upon his best friend, who stared thoughtfully out the window. He stopped in the middle of his sentence and rolled his eyes, leaning back against the couch and tossing an arm over the back.

“Steve?” Bucky asked.

“Yeah, Buck,” Steve said absent-mindedly.

“Do you agree that I should throw this bottle at you?”

“Yeah, of course, whatever you say,” Steve replied. Bucky scoffed and grabbed one of the pillows near him and chucked it at his friend, hitting him smack in the face. Steve blinked at the pillow that hit his face then bounced to the floor, and looked at his friend who was all but glaring. “What?”

“Dude, what’s going on with you lately?” Bucky asked. Steve shrugged his shoulders and took a sip of his drink.

“No come on, seriously. Are you seeing someone new? You have this look that I haven’t seen since-”

“Don’t go there, Buck,” Steve warned. Bucky raised his free hand in compliance and Steve sighed a bit. He glanced at his watch and Bucky rolled his eyes a bit.

“You seem eager to go see what’s her name,” Bucky commented in an attempt to change the subject.

“Sharon,” Steve corrected him and Bucky shrugged. There was a rattle at the door and in a couple quick seconds it opened to reveal Bucky’s new “partner” (as he called it), Connie. She looked over at the duo on the couch, and Steve noted the irritance in her eyes. With Bucky not getting up to greet her like normal, he was unsure if that look was directed towards him, or his friend. Connie audibly tossed her keys and bag onto the table near the door and with a huff, ascended the stairs and a few moments later, a door slammed.

“Fuck Bucky, what did you do?” Steve asked and Buck rolled his eyes and motioned towards the stairs.

“She’s been losing it ever since my ex showed up here,” Bucky explained and scoffed. “She’s pissy I didn’t toss her out as soon as we got home from lunch. God damn Renata let her in and she was sitting there just waiting,” Bucky motioned to where Steve now sat.

“Well why didn’t you toss her out?” Steve asked and a frown formed over Bucky’s face.

“Because I know her. And if she dared to come here, then something was going on,” Bucky casted his eyes down to the ground and took another sip from his drink. Steve raised his brow and scooted forward a bit to look at his friend.

“Buck, what’s going on?” Steve asked and Bucky sighed, but Steve noticed a hesitation as he recouped himself, that same carefree look on his face.

“Nothing we need to worry about, Steve. She won’t be coming around anymore,” Bucky said. Steve scoffed.

“For your sake, I hope not,” Steve said and finished the last bit of his drink.

That night things didn’t go.. Well. Steve didn’t perform his best, and he did not want to get into the details of it. He was distracted and even with all the very very nice work Sharon put in, his mind kept drifting to someone else. When Sharon cuddled into him Steve panicked, profusely sweating until she lulled herself to sleep and he carefully removed himself from her grasp. He needed air, fast. Steve threw his clothes back on, and it felt even more constricting. The long sleeved button up shirt, the trousers, he felt hot and uncomfortable.

Steve climbed those steps, pushed open the top, and gasped for air. His eyes looked around and he saw movement from the chair, and your head popped out from the side. Once you looked him over Steve stood there dumbfounded as you stood, and walked over to him with a concerned look on your face.

“Steve?” You questioned and he shook his head. You carefully grabbed one of his arms and placed a hand against his bearded face to adjust his view to you. “What is it? What’s wrong?”

Steve’s chest heaved and fell as he tried to catch his breath and you looked to the door that led to your apartment. When your gaze went back to him and saw him pull at his collar and you took a little step towards your door. “Do you trust me?”

Steve looked you over, and before he knew it he was nodding his head. You kept your hand on him, now holding onto his hand as you gently pulled him towards the door you always disappeared behind. Steve blinked as his vision began to grow hazy, and he stumbled a bit when his feet landed wrong on one of the steps. You were quick though, so observant of him and nestled yourself into his side. When Steve was finally able to continue, you helped him down step by step as he braced himself against the wall. He was heavy, he knew he was, so he had to help you help him.

Once past the stairs and a door you veered him into a dark room, but it was soon brightened when you flipped a switch. Steve squinted a bit as he adjusted to the new lighting, and you were easing him down onto a soft surface. A bed. He could tell it was a bed. But then you disappeared from his side and he panicked a bit again.

You weren’t gone long. Before Steve knew it you were kneeling in front of him, and pressing soft clothes into his hands. Steve looked down at his lap and saw what you were handing him. A change of clothes, he can do that. Steve pulled the tucked in shirt from his pants and his hands went to the buttons that lined it and tried to undo them. His hands shook and he huffed at the inability to get them undone, he was stuck. He was stuck in this goddamn hot and uncomfortable clothes.

Your hands brushed over his and Steve stopped to watch. You met his eyes and gave a sweet smile, and undid a couple of the buttons before you paused. “Is this okay?”

Steve nodded. God, yes, just get it off, he wanted to beg you. You nodded and slowly undid the rest. You didn’t want to startle him, and Steve just watched as you undid every single button until the shirt hung open. Steve moved to peel the shirt back and down his arms and set the shirt by his side. When he looked back to your face you were holding the new shirt once more, and passed Steve the soft cotton fabric. Once he took it you stood from your place and let him have some room to slide it over his body.

In this state, Steve was grateful that you weren’t ogling him. When he got the shirt over his chest he looked over the blue fabric and up to your eyes. You looked at him with something he hadn’t seen in the longest time. You were worried about him. Steve looked down at his still trembling hands and you sat carefully next to him. Steve glanced at you on his side and you reached over and put your hand over his. He sucked in a sharp breath and the trembling stopped at the touch.

You let Steve stay like this until his breathing evened itself out. He went from letting you hold his hand to running his thumb over your skin. It gave him something to focus on to calm himself down, and you had eventually placed another hand on his arm. Steve took a deep even breath and then looked over at you, who was watching him pensively. You offered him a smile and rubbed his arm a bit.

“Would you like some water?” You asked him. Steve nodded, unable to bring himself to verbally answer due to the dryness of his throat. You whispered a little okay and stood from your spot by his side and walked to the hallway, but paused when you reached the door frame before looking at him once more. “If you want to change into those sweats, you’re more than welcome to.”

Steve nodded and you gave him another smile before disappearing fully. After a few moments another light came on elsewhere, and Steve looked at the sweats you had rested on the edge of the bed for him. Steve stood, and changed from the dress pants to the sweats, all while listening to you click around in the kitchen. Once Steve was fully changed, he slowly walked out of the room and into the open area.

Steve took the chance to take in these foreign surroundings. As he walked along the wall into the living room he looked over the rather barren walls. He could tell things had hung there previously given the little nails in the plaster, and the ones that remained showcased you, and what he assumed were friends and family. If there was any trace of a man, it was completely wiped out of your photos. That’s probably why these looked older, he frowned at the idea. When he completely circled the room he turned back to the kitchen and found you watching him. You were filling up a couple glasses with water from a pitcher and smiled at him. Steve cleared his throat and motioned around.

“Gotta say these pictures don’t do you justice,” Steve said and you chuckled a bit. You walked around the kitchen and came over to him and handed one his way. “Thank you.”

“You’re very welcome,” you said and went to sit on the couch. Steve watched as you nestled yourself against a corner and sat on one of your legs. Steve carefully moved to sit next to you and you sipped away at the water and watched him. Steve drank the cold water and let out a satisfied sigh.

“Steve?” You asked. He looked over at you and you smiled timidly. “Is everything okay?”

Steve chuckled a bit. He leaned forward to put his cup down on a coaster and then leaned back with his arm draping over the back of the couch. “A friend of mine just.. Reminded me of something I try often to forget.”

You seemed to think over his words and Steve watched as you mimicked his movements and set your glass down and moved to look at him. “You remember how you told me a week or so ago, that you would be there for me when I needed you?”

Steve laughed and nodded. “I do. Why-”

“Well right now, you need me,” you cut him off. You rested your hands in your lap and nodded. “So.. I’m here.”

Steve’s smile fell and he cast his gaze down to his own hands in his lap. His hesitation created a silence that hung in the room heavily, and to yourself you frowned as you watched him fiddle with his own fingers.

“When I moved to London, I met the most amazing person,” Steve started to explain. You looked up at the side of his face to watch him talk. “She was brilliant, strong, and didn’t need anyone to tell her who she was or what to do. And she was the first person who looked at me like.. Like I meant something. Like I wasn’t just some number, or some thing. I was Steve Rogers.

“We were together for almost five years. And then.. Peggy, that was her name, she got sick. She couldn’t breathe right, couldn’t keep food or water down, and it just.. It ate her away. Made her too weak. And then one day she just couldn’t fight it anymore.”

Steve hadn’t looked at you the whole time he spoke. He couldn’t tell when you had gotten close enough to hold his hand in yours but he was glad you did. He looked over at you and you were staring at him with sad eyes. You understood him now, you saw Steve Rogers. You were getting a glimpse into the man behind the antics and charade. And he hadn’t shown anyone that side of him since Peggy passed.

“I’m sorry, Steve,” you whispered to him and Steve shook his head.

“It’s okay, angel,” he said and you rubbed your thumb over his hand. “Sometimes we lose the people we love the most. It’s what we do with ourselves after that matters the most.. So I wrote about her, about us.”

“That sounds.. Beautiful, Steve,” you told him and Steve shrugged.

“I never finished it, if I’m being honest with you,” Steve said and offered a small smile.

“Why not?” You asked.

“Because..” Steve trailed off, and shook his head a bit. You nodded in understanding and stifled back a yawn.

“Shit, I’m sorry,” Steve said when he noticed your small yawn. He was quick to pull his hand from yours and rubbed his legs. “You should be in bed-”

“Steve,” you warned and he raised a brow. “Don’t do that.”

“Do what?” He asked and you rolled your eyes.

“Deflect. You’re deflecting.” You said to him and Steve looked you over.

“I’m being thoughtful,” Steve countered and you hit his arm.

“You’re being hard headed,” you said and Steve shrugged. “But thank you.. For sharing that with me.”

“Only you, angel,” Steve smiled and you rolled your eyes again.

“Steve if you leave.. Are you going to be alright?” You asked him. Steve’s playful looks fell and you once again saw that vulnerability again.

“I don’t know,” Steve answered honestly. You nodded a bit and stood, offering your hand to him.

“Then come on,” you said. Steve looked from your hand to your face and raised a brow.

“Where.. Are we going?” He asked and you laughed a bit.

“To bed. You need to get some sleep.”

Steve’s grin came back and he carefully grabbed your hand. “You’re taking me to bed?”

Steve had stood up as he spoke and you narrowed your eyes at him, though he knew you were only joking. “Keep it up Rogers.”

“Alright, alright,” Steve chuckled as you led him back to your bedroom and flicked the lights off along the way. You released him hand and moved to one side of the bed and he took the other. You were quick to get under the covers and watched Steve as he got into the other side of the bed and he settled in next to you with a content sigh. When Steve was settled into the soft sheets he glanced your way and noticed your look.

“What?” he asked this time. You shook your head and looked up at the ceiling.

“No one has slept there in almost three months now.” You admitted. Steve looked at you again and shook his head.

“He’s an idiot,” Steve commented and you shrugged a bit, readjusting yourself and resting a hand over your stomach.

“Sometimes we lose the people we love the most. It’s what we do with ourselves after that matters the most,” you repeated to him. Steve looked you over in the darkness. He looked you over from the hand that rested just up above your head, down the outline of your face, over the even breathing in your chest, and stopped at the hand that rested over your stomach. Though he couldn’t see it, he knew what you were referring to.

Steve let sleep come over him. For the first time in months, he fell asleep soundly and didn’t stir one bit throughout the night. Steve felt at peace after finally sharing that part of him with someone, and his stirless night showed that.

- - - - - - - - - -

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aragima · 4 years

Text

hannibal questions! 🍖🔪

@nietzscheantrout @horrorlesbians and @hanniba1 wanted me to answer these hannibal questions and i wrote too much but oh well! thanks to all 3 of you ilu!!!

favorite episode and why: oh we’re just goin straight to the hard questions huh um OKAY so i think i can only do an ep a season - s1: SORBET SUPREMACY! you get to see the exact moment will looks at hannibal and thinks “.........shit. it’s him isn’t it. he’s The One. SHIT.” and that is so important to me - s2: this one is really hard maybe naka-choko? it’s so fucking gay and sexy. but tome-wan... but mizumono............ yeah idk - s3: torn between digestivo and the wrath of the lamb cuz they both hurt SOOO good much; i love will breaking up with hannibal and hannibal manipulating the situation so will can’t leave asldkjansk it’s so toxic we have to stan..... and for twotl i mean do i really have to give a reason every scene LIVES in my mind and it contains my favorite shot in the whole show:

that is LOVE baby! that is DESIRE! that is being ENTHRALLED!!!!

least favorite episode and why: i feel like they’re all so necessary that it’s kind of impossible to say but probably antipasto. i get sick of hannibal and bedelia’s shenanigans really quickly and as much as i hate to admit it... i miss will. i also think it was an extremely weak season opener and i blame it for getting the show canceled sjshshsgsg the resentment...

favorite side character: chiyoh or jimmy or actually wait— RANDALL TIER 🖤

if you could bring back one character who died, who would it be?: RANDALL FUCKING TIER. i want there to be a weird thing with him and hannibal and will going on. but also i love what his death did for will so idfk, other than him it’s gotta be beverly

dish prepared in the show that you would like to try eating/making: i was supposed to make hannibal’s osso bucco recipe like 3 weeks ago but it completely slipped my mind so i guess i’ll get on that my next grocery trip

which side character would you kill off?: chilton just because for god’s sake just let the man DIE ALREADY poor guy <- i’m taking ava’s answer because YEAH

was there any scene that you didn’t like to look at?: nah. the skin ripping scenes at the beginning of either kaiseki or sakizuki (idk i don’t remember, i hardly watch s2a) are particularly brutal but i tough it out

biggest ship: i mean do i even have to say

why did you start watching hannibal?: my wife, who was my girlfriend at the time, and her dad were watching it as it was airing and i was like “oh cool hannibal lecter origin story” but due to inconsistent access to the episodes i would just watch it randomly and that is... not the way to watch hannibal. i gave up around the end of s2 but knew hannigram was It regardless. i decided to watch s3 for the first time earlier this year just to have finished it and was like HOLD UP and did an immediate rewatch that left me... well, how i am now

favorite hannibal fic if you’ve read any?:

oh boy. yall ready for this? all of these can be found on ao3 obviously (i’m so sorry this is so long but i guess i’ve been asked to put together a fic rec anyway)

as soft, as wide as air by blackknightsatellite, the ladders series by emungere, blackbird by emungere, consenting to dream series by emungere, taken for rubies by emungere, at first meeting by emungere, protect me from what i want by @alienfuckeronmain, god of the cold, cold wars by highermagic, the abyss smiled back by highermagic, pomegranate seeds by highermagic, absolute zero by highermagic, in the truly gruesome do we trust by sidnihoudini, TKO by sidnihoudini, oh dear by lunarwench, each according to its kind by chapparral_crown, a flood in our hearts by nanoochka, let me sinful be by darlingred, uncomplicated by stratumgermanitivum & youaremydesign, good bones by @damnslippyplanet, like they do in babylon by @damnslippyplanet, your obedient servant by kareliasweet, past our satellites by shotgunsinlace, only the tender meat by isagel, the shape of me will always be you by missdisoriental, a white-walled room by rodabonor, spleen et idéal by rodabonor, the paper doll series by rodabonor, a common point of interest by rodabonor [i do NOT like a/b/o stuff but if i did... it’s this fic], just thought you should know by earthsickwithoutyou, the sacrificial lamb by princesskay, transcendent suffering by itsbeautiful, not something polite by moistdrippings, leave your message after the tone by onewhositswithturtles, holes in the floor of the mind by feverdreamblood, crossing caina by feverdreamblood, the archipelago series by melusine10, but seas between us braid hae roar’d by kareliasweet

have you watched any of the hannibal films?: yeah all of them except manhunter! i grew up watching silence of the lambs because my mom loved it and i went thru a big edward norton phase as a teen so i’ve seen red dragon like 10 times

have you read the thomas harris books?: no and i’m not going to lmao #fakefan

favorite murder tableau: if we’re talking just hannibal’s- the judge. if we’re talking Murder Bad But Kinda Pretty like in general probably the mushroom people or the totem

favorite blood spill: will imagining hannibal while he beats randall to death or The Gutting of Will Graham

what’re some of your headcanons?: - will is good at shibari (backed up in canon: his fishing knots, the firefly man’s full body hishi karada harness) - hannibal rarely listens to modern, non-classical music but he’s a björk fan and he saw one of her chapel performances during the vespertine era and was Moved - will listens to classic rock (zeppelin, the doors, pink floyd) with some classic country (patsy, merle, johnny) and blues (billie, muddy, bessie) thrown in. he’s also a sucker for early/mid-90s college rock/alternative/grunge - will plays the piano (because of the piano in his living room) and the harmonica (because he’s country white trash); he’s kind of shit tho - hannibal fell for will somewhere between “my thoughts are often not tasty” and “you won’t like me when i’m psychoanalyzed” (love at first sight! at last sight! at ever and ever sight!!!) - will’s circumcised, hannibal isn’t 🤪 - hannibal’s a gemini!!!! adaptable, creative, intelligent, outgoing, impulsive, etc - will’s an aquarius!!!!! analytical, a loner, temperamental, unique, compassionate, etc - will’s mom was jewish go read my fic about it https://archiveofourown.org/works/26774326 - hannibal is an agender man (tbh i think of this as canon, it’s just unstated/undefined) - hannibal can speak russian, spanish, and a teensy bit of portuguese in addition to the other languages we know he speaks (lithuanian, english, french, italian, japanese) - will speaks limited amounts of french; he learned it as a kid in louisiana - ED TW will sometimes has a Difficult relationship with food due to food instability by the way of poverty as a kid and goes through periods where it’s hard to keep himself fed, but hannibal is so good for him in that way because he keeps him from going hungry 😓 (yes this is me projecting but also it makes SENSE) - hannibal typically bottoms but THEY DEFINITELY ARE BOTH VERS and will never stops being surprised by how much he loves catching a dick. every time is like religious experience. okay? okay - they’re also both very kinky and switches but tbh.... will was made to Dom hannibal like that’s the reason he exists he could drag that old bitch around by a leash and hannibal would be in heaven HANNIBAL WOULD CALL HIM SIR - the first time they have sex hannibal comes like immediately but he isn’t embarrassed because he’s hannibal fucking lecter and hannibal lecter doesn’t get embarrassed - i have a hc for their favorite sex positions but i’m not gonna put that here because i don’t want yall calling me crazy any more than you probably already do but if you wanna know just DM me all i do is think about them fucking it’s a curse - okay no more dirty stuff abigail called hannibal “dad” on more than one occasion and it was half-joking but it also felt comfortable to her; she never thought to call will “dad” because he’s a weirdo and never knew her as much as he knew his idea of her - hannibal taught her to play piano at the cliff house - beverly is pansexual!!! - brian and jimmy kissed one time when they were drunk and they NEVER talk about it EVER - chiyoh is straight probably. i know, i know, everyone says she’s a lesbian and if she’s a lesbian to you that’s awesome! she’s a lesbian! but idk i just think she’s SO fucking straight and tbh i mourn bc that’s my wife. she could MAYBE be bicurious... - chiyoh is non-monogamous and doesn’t do serious relationships, she doesn’t like the idea of being tied to one person ever since she left the lecter castle - she helped hannibal and will escape after The Fall; she told hannibal she would continue to watch over him and i think she did, she got them a boat and got them the fuck out of there - MOLLY IS DOING SO MUCH BETTER WITHOUT WILL. SHE’S SO GLAD SHE GOT OUT OF THAT WHEN SHE DID. she has a good, long talk with alana and finds out all the shit about him and hannibal that will never told her (and it was a lot), gets drunk and burns all his shit, and then washes her hands of the whole thing; moves to a different state, gets a girlfriend, and never thinks about will again

okay i’m capping it there or i’m never gonna stop!! i’m not tagging anyone cuz i think everyone has done this by now lmao but if you’re a mutual who hasn’t and you want to just do it and say i tagged you!! mwah!!!!

#blood #long post #hannigram fic rec #hc

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eboyhitoshi · 4 years

Text

Asshole // Hitoshi Shinsou

Introduction

Warnings: Launguage, Mentions of sex, sexual themes, Fuckboy!Shinsou, UA college!AU, mentions of underage drinking, all characters are 18+ hence the college AU

Summary: You end up in a sticky situation after a horrible mistake leaves you pregnant, and not with your boyfriend’s baby

A/n: Ok so I got this idea after I stumbled upon my wattpad account from a while ago when all of the stories on there were about the reader getting pregnant and then I rewatched glee which just made the need I felt to write this so strong. So here we are, a classic cliché that I’m not even ashamed about writing lmao. Except for the fact that this chapter is a MESS but pls bear with me bc its just the intro so it’s like a mashed together little thing of need to know information. The sentence I just wrote hurt my brain, anyway, on with the story.

Oh also, I am making this series completely on a whim! Like I just got the idea and wrote it down, so if y’all like it then please tell me and I’ll make sure to keep it going!

You stared down at the white stuck in your hand in disbelief. It couldn’t have been right, except for the fact that three others said the exact same thing. Pregnant. You never realized one world could be so earth shattering. How the hell were you supposed to continue hero studies with a baby in your stomach? You were just starting out your final year of college, it couldn’t end like this, not now.

What were you supposed to tell your parents? What were you supposed to say to your teachers? How were you supposed to tell Denki?

A panicked look struck your features at the thought of the adorable blonde. You’d been dating since the beginning of second year, and you couldn’t be more in love with him. You figured he’d probably take it fine, if it weren’t for the fact that it wasn’t his.

Four months ago you had a really bad pregnancy scare. You didn’t get your period for almost two months and you got really, really sick. It scared Denki and you from having sex since and you still haven’t fully gotten back to it.

In those four months of your chastity however, someone else’s opportunity struck. Denki’s best friend Shinsou had always wanted you, as you were the one girl he couldn’t have. You were his best friend’s, off limits, and he couldn’t stand it. He always got what he wanted, and he wanted you. So at a party you got super wasted, though Denki ended up in much worse shape than you. Kirishima ended up taking him home but you were dancing with Mina at the time so he didn’t bother to tell you. In your faded haze you didn’t think twice about Shinsou sauntering over to dance with you.

The next morning you woke up in his dorm with nothing but his tee shirt on. You sobbed for hours at what you’d done, especially because you had no clue it even happened. You made Shinsou swear that Denki wouldn’t know, and he agreed.

Ever since then it’s never been talked about, he didn’t act any different around you, and Denki had no clue. You still beat yourself up about it because Denki is the best thing that’s ever happened to you, and if there was anything you could take back in life it’d be that night. If only you hadn’t been drinking, if only you’d stayed with Denki instead of dancing with Mina, if only you could’ve gotten Denki to just stay home with you that night instead.

Tears streamed wildly down your face as you sunk to the ground, test clutched in your hand as you sobbed. You didn’t know how long you were there for, but you knew it was a long time. Your butt growing sore from sitting on the tile floor and the area under your eyes becoming raw from your tears.

You sucked in a deep, shaky breath. You stood back up and looked at yourself in the mirror. You looked like a mess, but you told yourself you deserved it. It was your mistake, and now you were gonna pay.

***********

You woke up a little earlier than normal, the sick feeling you’d had for the last couple weeks bubbling in your stomach. You shot up and ran toward the bathroom, thankfully making it to the toilet. After you started to feel a little better after puking your guts out, you got up and brushed your teeth extra good.

Class was starting soon so you just decided to get ready for the day. You’d only woken up about fifteen minutes early so you were only slightly ahead of schedule. In the middle of adjusting your tie, you felt a wave of nausea wash over you again. You leaned forward, gripping the edge of the bathroom counter. You let your head fall forward as you shut your eyes. It felt like you could keep it down for second, but you knew you couldn’t. You rushed to the toilet and did what you needed to.

A knock sounded through the room as you were standing back up. You turned toward you room door, covering your mouth as you looked at it silently for a moment.

“Who’s there?” You called, turning back to start brushing your teeth again.

“Your sexy boyfriend” Denki replied, entering your room. He walked up behind you, wrapping his arms around your waist. “You sleep in late? You’re normally ready by now” he commented, watching as you brushed your teeth. You finished up what you were doing before replying.

“Yeah” you mumbled, placing your hands on his arms that were wrapped around you lovingly. You stared down at them and couldn’t help feeling guilty, though your face held a blank expression.

“Hey, what’s wrong?” He asked, turning you around. He placed his hand on your hips, tilting his head at you.

“Nothing, I’m just tired” you lied, a small smile on your face. He nodded and lifted you up so he was carrying you. You giggled lightly, wrapping your legs around his waist to support yourself.

“Well would you like a lift to class?” He asked cheekily. You nodded, making him smile as he leaned in to peck your lips.

“Thank you Denki” you smiled, laying your head on his shoulder.

“You’re welcome” he replied, slinging his backpack ove one of his shoulders. He placed your backpack on you before making his way over to the school.

***********

“So, (Y/n), have you told Denki yet?” Shinsou’s voice rang out as he started walking next to you down the hallway. You furrowed your eyebrows, hoping he wasn’t gonna say what you thought he was.

“What are you talking about?” You asked, shaking your head as you kept your eyes forward. He smirked, glancing at your cheeks that were starting to redden. He couldn’t tell if it was out of frustration or embarrassment, but he knew he caused it. And he liked that.

“You know, that you’ve got one in the oven” he answered casually. You stopped dead in your tracks, staring at him mouth agape. He walked a few steps forward and turned to face you.

“No I don’t” you stated, avoiding eye contact as you started walking again. He scoffed and kept pace with you at your side once again.

“You forget who takes out the trash” he retorted. “Hard to miss seeing four positive pregnancy tests” he added. You snapped toward him, grabbing his bicep tightly.

“Keep your voice down” you whisper scolded. He raised his eyebrows at you as his lips slightly parted.

“So it’s true?” He asked, disbelief eveident in his voice. You glanced around at the bustling hallways before grunting annoyedly and pulling him into an empty classroom.

“What do you want Shinsou? Do you just get off on ruining my life or something?” You asked, crossing your arms over your chest while glaring at him. He walked around the front of the room silently for a moment before sitting down on a desk. He stayed silent so you took that as your cue to keep going. “First you fuck up my relationship by getting me wasted and taking advantage of me, which makes me feel guilty because I know that if Denki ever found out he’d be heartbroken, then not only did you sleep with me when I was hammered, you got me pregnant. It just makes it worse that you’re his best friend” you ranted, sitting yourself down on a desk as you let everything sink in.

“It is mine then?” He asked, eyes locked on your stomach. You shifted uncomfortably, hugging your stomach and hunching forward so it was no longer visible. “I mean I figured, since Denki’s been in a dry spell and the only time you would’ve done anything otherwise was with me”

“How would you know what Denki’s sex life is like?” You asked defensively, making him scoff.

“Please, Denki’s my best friend. You think he doesn’t tell me every time you fuck?” He asked rhetorically. Heat rushed to your cheeks as you turned a dark red color. “Don’t worry he doesn’t spare any of the gorey details either. I know just how you like it, or well, how he says you do. There’s some things he doesn’t know” he added.

“Do you know how punchable of a face you have?” You asked, standing back up and placing your hands on your hips. He raised an eyebrow and crossed his own arms.

“How long do you plan on keeping this from him?” He asked you, playing with the rings on his fingers while he waited for you to speak again.

“Shinsou I just took those stupid tests two days ago. I haven’t even been to a doctor yet, there’s still a possibility that I’m not” you commented, mostly as false hope for yourself.

“You throw up this morning?” He asked, staring up at you. You were staring down at your feet ashamedly, something you found yourself doing a lot of lately. “I’m pretty sure four tests wouldn’t all be positive if you weren’t” he pointed out, making you sigh.

“What do you want from me Shinsou?” You asked defeatedly. You could already feel pressure building up behind your eyes as they teared up. “As you could probably tell I’m already going trough some shit and I’d appreciate if you didn’t add to that” he was about to speak, but someone else’s voice rang through the room.

“What the hell’s happening here?” Denki’s voice sounded through the room. You looked up at him with tear filled eyes and his expression immediately turned concerned. “Woah, are you ok babe?” He asked, walking briskly over to you. You leaned forward, pressing your face into his chest as the reality of your situation hit you again. “Dude what’d you say to her?” He asked Shinsou angrily, holding you protectively against him. Shinsou glanced at you, who was giving him a pleading look and he sighed.

“I didn’t say anything” he replied, before slinging his bag over his shoulder and walking out of the room.

Denki stood in the middle of the classroom with you sobbing into his chest, slightly confused. Nonetheless, he held you close and whispered sweet nothings in your ear until you calmed down.

“What happened babe?” He asked, sitting you down on the desk you were on previously. You wiped your face, sniffling as you tried to think of something to tell him.

“One of my grandma’s friends died. I was close with her and I just needed to talk to someone. Shinsou was the first one I saw” you lied. He frowned and pulled you back to his chest.

“I’m so sorry (Y/n)” he whispered, holding you tightly against him. “I’m glad you can go to my best friend with stuff like that though, makes me glad that you two are close” he commented, running his fingers through your hair.

“Yeah” you whispered, shutting your eyes tightly. “Close”

#bnha x reader #my hero academia #boku no hero academia #mha x reader #hitoshi shinsou x reader #mha shinsou #bnha hitoshi shinsou #bnha shinsou hitoshi #hitoshi shinsou #shinsou x reader #bnha shinsou #shinsou hitoshi #mha #bnha #shinsou hitoshi x reader #shinsou x you

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sapphireplums · 4 years

Text

what used to be || jaeden martell

jaeden martell x oc

warnings: angst, mentions of death, profanity

word count: 1075

description: 𝐚 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐫𝐲 𝐰𝐡𝐞𝐧 𝐣𝐚𝐞𝐝𝐞𝐧 𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐭𝐞𝐥𝐥 𝐬𝐭𝐨𝐩𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐟𝐫𝐢𝐞𝐧𝐝𝐬 𝐰𝐢𝐭𝐡 𝐝𝐚𝐜𝐞𝐲 𝐰𝐢𝐧𝐝𝐬𝐨𝐫 𝐟𝐨𝐫 𝐧𝐨 𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐬𝐨𝐧, 𝐛𝐮𝐭 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐝𝐚𝐲 𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐞𝐬 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐬𝐞𝐭 𝐨𝐟 𝐢𝐭 𝐜𝐡𝐚𝐩𝐭𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐰𝐨. 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐬𝐡𝐞 𝐟𝐨𝐫𝐠𝐢𝐯𝐞 𝐡𝐢𝐦? 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐟𝐚𝐫 𝐰𝐢𝐥𝐥 𝐣𝐚𝐞𝐝𝐞𝐧 𝐠𝐨 𝐭𝐨 𝐰𝐢𝐧 𝐡𝐞𝐫 𝐭𝐫𝐮𝐬𝐭 𝐛𝐚𝐜𝐤 ?

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

there'd be no sunlight

if i lose you baby

-bruno mars

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

𝐃𝐚𝐜𝐞𝐲'𝐬 𝐏𝐎𝐕

My heart started to race and beat out of my chest. Mom wouldn't wake up and I started to panic. I can't lose her, no I can't.

Dad is already gone and mom is all I have left.

Minutes later, I see paramedics run in and one of them tries to pull me away from my mom, but I refuse.

"Honey, we need you to stand back, we need to do our job," one of the paramedics said. I stood away so they can put mom on a gurney and that's when I started to break down.

I had no idea what to do, but one person popped in my mind at the moment.

Jack.

Though my hands were shaking, I managed to take out my phone and call his number. It took about two rings until he finally answered.

"Wow Days, I didn't know you loved me that much to talk to me twice today," Jack said sarcastically.

"J-J-Jack." I couldn't even talk because I was so scared.

"Hey hey Dacey, what's wrong? Are you okay?"

"Mom and I were at the bakery and she collapsed out of nowhere. S-S-She isn't breathing Jack."

I could hear Jack's heavy breathing over the phone. He was scared too which was something I never really seen from Jack.

"Shit, Dacey, I wish I was over there now. I'm so sorry, but I have to go. I got an interview in an hour." Jack said regretfully.

"It's okay Jack, I get it." The paramedics put mom in the ambulance and I got in the back with her.

"I'll call you as soon as I can, okay Dacey? I love you"

"Okay, yeah I love you too," I said as I chocked up at the last part.

The ambulance started to drive off and all I could think of was if my mom was going to make it.

"Mom, please don't leave me, I need you."

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

𝐉𝐚𝐜𝐤'𝐬 𝐏𝐎𝐕

I turned off my phone after Dacey called me. I just stood there in shock at what just happened.

Dacey has gone through so much and I don't want her to go through the same situation she had with her dad a few years back.

My interview was in an hour and I had to get ready, but honestly I don't think I can be in front of the cameras after I found out what's happening with my aunt and cousin.

I called my mom downstairs to tell her what happened.

"Mom, come down here!"

My hands were shaking and I didn't know how to say this to her.

" Hey son, whats wrong?" Mom seemed on pick up on how I was shaking.

"Dacey called me and said Aunt Lilah had a heart attack and is now in the hospital."

"Oh my god," was all mom could say.

"Mom I-i'm scared. I'm scared for Dacey and like what if auntie doesn't m-m-make it?"

Mom turned her head towards me and said " Hey Jack, don't say that. She will be okay and we can try to book a flight to Philly so we can be with them."

"Okay mom, thank you. I hope they're okay." I hugged mom tightly not knowing what else to do.

⊱ ────── {⋅. ✯ .⋅} ────── ⊰

𝐃𝐚𝐜𝐞𝐲'𝐬 𝐏𝐎𝐕

five hours after the incident

I was waiting in the waiting room anxiously as mom was still in the ER.

I told Morgan about the situation and she's been checking in with a few phone calls here and there.

Jack has also been texting me like literally every ten minutes for updates and to make sure I was doing okay.

Literally as I just said that, my phone vibrated.

It was Jack.

I swear it's like I summoned this kid or something.

jackass glazer 🌚❣️

any news yet?

dacey the allergy flower💕

no i'm still in the waiting room

jack i'm really scared

what if she doesn't make it?

jackass glazer 🌚❣️

days please don't say that.

have positive thoughts.

dacey the allergy flower💕

thanks jack.

i really wish you were here right now.

i need someone. i literally have nobody now except you and morgan.

jackass glazer 🌚❣️

i know dacey me too.

i tried to book a flight there, but my schedule is way too full now.

i love you dacey, you know that right?

dacey the allergy flower💕

i do jack thank you.

i love you too.

and not to mention you're

my favorite cousin.

jackass glazer 🌚❣️

well i hope so

bc im your only cousin dacey lmao

I smirked lightly at the last text that Jack sent. I put my phone away and took in a deep breath.

You got this Dacey, she will be okay. You have nothing to worry about. I thought to myself.

I tried to relax myself as much as possible. Closing my eyes, I listened to the music that was flowing through my earphones.

I perked my head up as I heard a door open in the waiting room. A doctor who looked to be in the higher rank, came up to me.

I immediately stood up and asked him how my mom was.

"How's my mom?" I asked a little too loudly.

The doctor didn't respond. He just stared at me with eyes I knew all too well.

They were the same eyes my dad's doctor had for me when my dad passed away.

And to make shit worse, this was exactly the same hospital my dad died in after a motor accident. In this exact same hospital.

"Ms. Windsor, I think you should sit down."

Oh god, no this can't be happening.

"No n-no no n-n-no she's fine!"

"Ms. Windsor, I am so sorry to inform you, but your mother has passed away. "

I couldn't think. I swear my heart literally shattered at his words.

"Is there someone we can call for you?" I could tell the doctor was sincere, but I couldn't take it.

I ran out of the hospital and started running who knows where, I just had to get out of there.

I texted Jack and Morgan a text containing only two words.

dacey the allergy flower💕

she's gone.

After I sent that text, I posted a picture on Instagram with me and mom. I shut off my phone knowing that they would blow up my phone calling and texting me.

it will rain.

what used to be taglist;OPEN

@wassup-peoples

IT/ST Taglist;OPEN

@beverlyparkerr

Permanent taglist;OPEN

@tvckerlance

@lozzypoz321

@princess-evans-addict

#jaeden martell #jaeden martell x reader #jaeden martell x oc #jaeden martell fic #jaeden wesley #finn wolfhard x reader #finn wolfhard #jacob barber #jacob thrombey #joshua bassett #stranger things #it chapter 2 #jack dylan grazer #miles fairchild #mike wheeler #boris pavlikovsky #noah schnapp #millie bobby brown

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haknew · 3 years

Text

get to know me tag !

tagged by @woosohn (ty again june ! <3)

what day is your birthday?

one day i’m sure

what’s your favorite color?

not to be that person,,, but rose quartz, serenity, and lilac ! [official answer]

what’s your lucky number?

idk... tea bee hache

do you have any pets?

do house plants count ? ;//

how tall are you?

5′ 4 (i always forget this in cm sorry)

how many pairs of shoes do you own?

currently ... ? like 3 ???

favorite song?

oh i never have just one and it’s really about my mood :0 been playing thrill-ing a lot and other current releases so probably those at this moment in time

favorite movie?

can’t seem to pull up anything up from the dredges of my repressed memories of the time i used to watch movies but uhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh ... idk

what would be your ideal partner?

i did this on my other blog so i’ll try to give a real answer this time to this question ... mm i need someone with a lot of empathy and patience ! i’m definitely not the easiest person to deal with ever and i really hate being confrontational,,, so when there’s a problem, they have to be willing to talk through things with me and approach me first ;;;; think it’d be nice if they were strong in the points where i’m weaker ^^ to balance i suppose ... but who knows what’ll happen, funky question lol

do you want children?

lmao no

have you gotten in trouble with the law?

nooooo i’m boring that way <33

bath or shower?

shower !

what color socks are you wearing?

it’s summer so no sock season ~ but normally solid colors; gray, white, black ^^

favorite type of music?

i like a bunch of stuff but i’m a pop song person at heart :]] sometimes some r&b

how many pillows do you sleep with?

always at least two ! but rn at home i have 6 pillows haha

what position do you sleep in?

on my sides usually ;0 hugging a pillow sometimes

what you don’t like when you’re sleeping?

if it’s too hot, i can’t sleep ;;;; or when it’s too loud or too early in the morning to be woken up looool

what do you have for breakfast?

i’m never awake early enough for breakfast but during my 8ams i used to make a cup of instant coffee if that counts haha :]]

have you ever tried archery?

at science camp yeeeees ~

favorite fruit?

strawberries ! and watermelon ~~ mangoes too :p

favorite swear word?

i don’t really swear all that much so don’t really use any

do you have any scars?

i suppose, won’t elaborate tho

are you a good liar?

i’ve been told no i’m not but then again i lie often so

what’s your personality type?

choi soobin (he’s an isfp OKAY ?!?!)

what’s your favorite type of girl?

all of them of course u.u

innie or outie?

innie !

left or right-handed?

right-handed ^^

favorite food?

i really like pasta ! but there’s a canto tea cafe specialty rice dish that’s basically fried rice with tomato + beef that’s my all-time fav ^^

favorite foreign food?

hmm most everything i have is ‘foreign’ food ? that’s just my cultural cuisine stuff tho so maybe other eastern asian dishes too :0

are you clean or messy?

really depends on my mood ;;;; i like stuff to be clean ! but that’s easier said than done sometimes haha

most used phrase?

i use a lot of internet language so your typical acronyms ‘lol’, ‘lmao’, ‘like’, and then stuff like ‘so true’ etc. haha ahhh and of course ‘jfkdhgdkjfhgsk’

how long does it take for you to get ready?

this also depends on my mood, at speediest maybe 5 mins ! at longest maybe an hour ~ but only bc i’m staring at my phone or smth instead of actually getting ready

do you talk to yourself?

hhh yes and that’s bc it’s sometimes easier for me to vocalize thoughts than let them swirl in a confusing mess in my head, hard to sort through sometimes

do you sing to yourself?

yea ! choir kid things

are you a good singer?

hmm depends on ? your definition ... i have a good ear for pitch matching but that’s probably it ^^ (i have a small little byr cover on this blog too prob not that hard to find if people were curious but ://)

biggest fear?

[insert a long essay about ew gross feelings and insecurities no one asked for] idk bugs ?!? ig

are you a gossip?

depends on context ! i like being in the know but at the same time i don’t go out of my way looking for drama or any tea ;-; i keep to myself mostly !

do you like long or short hair?

on me, longer hair ! kinda a silly / unrelated remark but my old roomie said she thinks i would look nice with really long hair so i stopped trimming it even tho it’s summer ^^

favorite school subject?

haha probably bio and psych ! as i should certainly hope so as a bio major >.<

extrovert or introvert?

introvert !

what makes you nervous?

oh quite a few things hhh, social interactions do ;;;; i like talking to people but i tend to overthink just about everything so,,, i can easily misread neutral stimuli as negative haha... and going out and about now that the panoramendmic has crushed any and all my social skills / self confidence LOL

who was your first real crush?

haha he was in my honors english course and i think he and i argued about whether puppies are capable of real emotions jfksfjglds and during PE he’d run all the way across the gym to get our volleyball if we hit it out of the court ;;;; i ended up confessing the following year but uh .... things didn’t end well and it ended up following me all 4 years of high school lmao...

how many piercings do you have?

just the two ^^

how fast can you run?

at my peak i could run a mile in 8 minutes fdkjhgdfjg but nowadays running to my mailbox is difficult wtf.... listen i’ve been sitting stuck at home for almost two years now-

what color is your hair?

it’s a dark brown so dark it’s almost black around my roots but a lighter brown for the rest bc i dyed it ^^ i plan to redye it a reddish brown soon tho !

what color are your eyes?

dark brown as well ~

what makes you angry?

something jacob mentioned once i forget his exact wording but i have a lot of patience actually so rather than being angry it’s a bit more frustration, mostly at myself when smth i worked on really hard doesn’t work out, but also bc i constantly overthink and consider other people’s feelings it upsets me when other people are dismissive or plainly ignorant of the feelings of those around them... and also esp when people are unaware of how to deal with their own negative feelings so they take it out on others when they shouldn’t

do you like your own name?

not ? particularly ... tbh jess is not my full name but even so my name doesn’t really have any meaning of anything so it’s just :// a name i guess,,, i like it when people call me by name tho in the tags <333 lmao

do you want a boy or a girl as a child?

lmao no

what are your strengths?

this would never fly in a resume but ??? oh man wish i knew

what are your weaknesses?

the questions is what ISN’T

what’s the color of your bedspread?

white with blue ink drawings <333 it’s very pretty i like it a lot

color(s) of your room?

dark biege ! a lot of warm neutral tones with splashes of pastels here and there

tagging anyone who wants to do this again haha ^~^

#thank you so so much again june ! this was a lot of fun ^^#errr well i couldn't sleep anyway bc tbz has me running on kst when really #it's almost 4am here #but ! ty again for the tag feel free to read none of this <3 #didn't wanna leave it sitting in my drafts so i went ahead :]]#jess.text #tag games #not tbz #✨.moots #sorry for the personal posts btw i will go queue tbz things now lmao

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ahgastae · 4 years

Text

dimple – namjoon x reader

➥ word count: 1.2k | fluff

➥ m.list

➥ a/n: i’ll be honest: this is 100% self indulgent lmao. i was a teensy bit Stressed bc of my own midterms and,, this little baby was born. it’s the first fully written piece i’ve posted in a while, so go easy on me, loves!! let me know if you’d like to see some kind of part two, and i hope you guys enjoy ♡

He ended his statement with a halfhearted shrug, and you suddenly felt bad for being so aggressive before. There was probably a million other things he could be doing with his night besides dealing with some angry library gremlin. It wasn’t like it was his fault you were having trouble understanding the material, even if you were a little jealous he clearly knew it better than you did.

You were almost positive you were going to die of exhaustion.

Either that, or all the caffeine you ingested in the past seventy-two hours was finally going to make your poor little heart pop like an overinflated water balloon. The cartoonish mental imagery from that macabre thought gave a small spark of joy to your drained system, but it quickly went away when you remembered why you were so tired in the first place.

Midterms. The bane of every college student’s existence.

Okay, maybe that was a bit overdramatic, but you had spent the last three days studying your ass off for the three (yes, three) cumulative exams you had coming up. The field for your degree was highly competitive, one of the most difficult ones to get into on campus, so you really couldn’t afford to be slacking in any of your classes.

Which is why you were in the library for yet another night; the clock reading well past midnight and your hands wringing themselves in frustration.

For whatever reason, you’d decided it would be a great idea to take a higher level calculus course to fulfill some of your math credits. It was way more than what was required for your degree, but you originally thought it would look good on your transcript and hopefully give you a bit of a boost later on. At that moment, though? You were honestly considering chucking your textbook off the third-floor balcony.

An aggravated groan escaped your lips, and you let your head fall onto the table with a gentle thud. Maybe if you sat there long enough, the earth would open up and take you out of this mathematical hell.

“Um...Are you okay?”

The new voice might’ve been a surprise if you weren’t so lost in your own little pity party, but all it got in response was mumbled strings of curses and algebraic equations.

“‘X’ equals negative ‘B’ plus or minus the square root…”

“Oh, geez,” The same person muttered, now much closer than before. “Quadratic formulas really got you down, haven’t they?”

Your head snapped up at lightning speed, startling the spectacled boy that had been glancing down at your opened textbook.

“What did you just say?”

His eyes widened, hands gesturing frantically in front of him, “I-I’m sorry, I didn’t mean to be rude! I just recognized the textbook and figured you must be taking Professor Bang’s class.”

You looked between his flustered face and the tabletop, brows furrowing the longer you stared at the school supplies scattered across it. Glasses opened his mouth to apologize again when you cut him off.

“You knew what I was studying from just a glance at the textbook page?”

“Yeah?” He smiled shyly, scratching at the nape of his neck. “Sorry if that’s weird or something. I just had Professor Bang last year and really liked his class, so, I, uh, yeah.”

A light bulb went off in your head. It might be a little crude considering you almost bit his head off a few minutes ago, but it wouldn’t hurt to ask, right…?

“Hey, I–”

“Do you–”

The two of you began at the same time, and he let out a small chuckle. Your heart sped up a little bit at the sound, and it made you really take a good look at him for the first time.

He was definitely cute. His thick-rimmed glasses rested attractively on his face, deep blond hair swept up and off of his forehead. You had to hold yourself back from reaching out to poke one of the dimples in his cheeks, gaze drifting up to find his warm brown eyes looking at you expectantly.

Oh, shit. Did he just say something and you were too busy checking him out to pay attention? You really wanted to blame it on the sleep deprivation, but you felt like that would be lying to yourself.

You cleared your throat, trying to ignore the heat in your cheeks, “I’m sorry, could you repeat that?”

As if just to spite you, he smiled again, those goddamn dimples on full display.

“I asked if you wanted some help with your studying.” Without waiting for your answer, he settled himself into the chair across from you. “It looked like you were having some trouble.”

“O-Oh, no, you really don’t have to do that. I’m sure I could figure it out on my own.”

“It’s okay,” He chuckled at your suddenly shy demeanor. “I’m a library aide, it’s kinda in my job description to help out.”

“Library–” You whispered to yourself, eyes widening when you came to a realization. “Does that mean you’ve been watching me the whole time?!”

The thought that this cute guy had been watching you struggle for the past several hours (maybe even more) did nothing to stop the burning in your face. It was one thing to look like you had no idea what you were doing, but you knew for a fact that you’d been grinding your teeth and grumbling under your breath like a cave troll since the clock struck ten. Not exactly the prettiest first impression.

Much to your surprise, however, he only laughed, and for a good moment you forgot about the embarrassment bubbling in your chest.

“I know, I know. Lame, right?” He scratched at the back of his neck, eyes cast down at the table. “You’ve been coming in here for the past three days, and I only just now worked up the courage to talk to you.”

You blinked once. Twice. Then another time to make sure your body hadn’t finally given in to its exhaustion and this wasn’t some kind of dream.

When you opened your eyes again, he was still there, sitting across from you with a small smile on his face. His hands fidgeted nervously on the table, like he was worried he’d somehow said too much or overstepped his boundaries. You didn’t know how to tell him it was the exact opposite.

“You wanted to talk...to me?”

“Ever since the first night you came in,” He answered sheepishly, and your breath caught in your throat. “I didn’t want to bother you while you were working. You just seemed like you were so frustrated tonight that I wanted to help. At least take your mind off things for a while. I know how midterms can be sometimes.”

Again, you fell quiet. This incredibly attractive, adorably dimpled stranger of all people honestly wanted to ease your stressed out mind, even if just a little. Forget being a dream, he had to be an angel sent from above.

“You know what?” You bit your lip, glancing up at him shyly. “I’d actually really like that, um…?”

“It’s Namjoon,” He smiled brightly, and you swore those dimples had to be illegal. “Kim Namjoon.”

#namjoon x reader #namjoon x you #bts namjoon x reader #namjoon #kim namjoon #bts namjoon #namjoon fic #namjoon fluff #bts x reader #bts x you #bts fic #bts fluff #my writing #i've been on tumblr for idk how long and i still don't know how to tag things

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madokasoratsugu · 4 years

Text

cinderella au meta notes

or: the plotline that never happened because i was so caught up in the euphoria of writing Fritz/Lucette Cinderella AU, i forgot that i had to have a plot

also: a bunch of bonus facts i guess !

this basically spoils the whole fic (that you can read here) which contains Fritz and Rumpel route spoilers, so read with caution ! under the cut bc it got Long :”))

this meta was initially written on a tumblr post bc it was meant to be a short ~2k thing (HAHAHA). then it got so long my computer started crashing and i had to move to google docs.

i wrote this with disney live action remake osts AND six the musical in the background. it was a wildin’ experience listening to ‘dont lost ur head’ while writing Fritz be a chaotic mess in the beginning, then listening to ‘how does a moment last forever’ when writing the Fritz/Lucette garden scenes.

Karma and Fritz are childhood friends ! both boys who were more interested in being a knight than inheriting a kingdom, but learnt their responsibilities along the way.

on that note: none of the characters were exactly...planned to appear. the initial tweet thread idea only had Fritz, Lucette and Alcaster casted - the other characters just kinda wrote themselves in this meta.

im pretty sure it started with Karma barging his way into the fic in act one, then i had to have someone balance him (Waltz), then i needed someone to play the music for their waltz (obvs that had to be Rod), and then i got sad thinking Rumpel would be left out, but Lucette’s broken glass slipper scene conveniently needed someone. the Widdensovs just kinda came into the picture by virtue of Lucette just needing someone to interact with when she wasnt at the ball LMAO

everyone else just didnt make it in the natural progression of the fic, and i didnt want to shoehorn them in just for the sake of having them appear.

however: Parfait was initially going to make an appearance as a duchess who snuck Lucette out to her father when she came to the castle for help when her manor burnt down. here’s a lil snippet of her scene:

(no one had, the last time she came; the smell of smoke still clinging on her, her head slamming a cacophony - surviving only thanks to the bravery of a certain court lady now disappeared, who heralded her to a servant’s exit, gave her gold and directions to her father, told her, run, told her im sorry, and cried, tears dripping endlessly from her pale pink lashes.)

Parfait is well and alive in this AU btw ! she’s just ‘disappeared’ bc she’s living somewhere secret with her goth wife Delora.

(side note: i realise Rumpel seems a lot like Lucette’s fairy godmother in the act thirteen. not intended, but i liked the imagery enough to let it stand :”)) bippity boppoty chevalier ! )

Varg and Lilja are both Swedish words. ancient Angiellian is partially Swedish. there’s probably ikea in this AU. let that sink in.

the swan mask Lucette was wearing was meant to allude to Odette and Odile from Swan Lake (because Fritz and Varg, white and black, swans are pretty yadda yadda), and i was going to write some really neat symbolism about that but i forgot lol !

(also the idea just never worked for me bc Odette and Odile aren’t the same people like Fritz/Varg but i wanted to reference Barbie Swan Lake (2003) ok let me live)

pour one out for our man Fritz who got rejected on his birthday. f.

Emelaigne is the MVP. older sisters, no matter how truly Head Empty they are, always pull through when you need them.

“isn’t the moon beautiful tonight” is a direct reference to an anecdote (which may or may not be true) about Natsume Souseki, a famous japanese writer, who translated ‘i love you’ to that phrase in order to account for the indirect characteristics of japanese speech.

Rumpel is the royal doctor, and has been apprenticing in the castle since Fritz was a child, before taking over the position as an adult ! so yes, Rumpel definitely rubbed off on Fritz in terms of values and morals.

with regards to Fritz and Lucette’s curses: i never really gave it much thought, but the vague idea i had was Lucette being cursed by Hildyr for disobedience (manipulative parenting say eye), then Hildyr dies lol and Lucette breaks her curse eventually.

with Fritz, he was likely cursed out of political reasons/jealousy and Varg was the result. works bc either way the curse meant for Fritz to be 1) inconvenienced or 2) dead/taken out of consideration for succession so like...a pain in the ass replacement who behaves the exact opposite of a prince works too.

this was hinted at vaguely in the fic, but Fritz became very secluded and hid himself in the castle for the years it took him to come to terms with his curse and break it. even then, because there was no one around him to really affirm his identity or accept him, he remained very withdrawn and a shell of his former self.

i reckon it took him about 5-6 years to break the curse. so that’s a lot of time alone. Fritz was basically a NEET.

all jokes aside: Lucette and Fritz each broke their curses with their own willpower and effort, but remain the mostly the same because there was no one around them to truly understand or accept them for who they were, or who they became.

(until they met each other, of course)

also, idk if it was hinted well enough but Lucette and Fritz actually were in an engagement once, when they were children/early teens ! i intended to allude to this more with Hildyr giving Fritz Lucette’s portrait, which results in him recognising her, but it just never fit in anywhere. so yeah ! that’s another reason how/why Fritz knew who Lucette was at first glance.

i figured the previous engagement would also help ease the court into their eventual marriage despite the whole ~*disgraced noble*~ thing. idk. i know nothing about western history and how it worked except for ALEXANDER HAMILTON (america sings for yooouuu) and divorced, beheaded, died, divorced, beheaded, survived.

however, Alcaster broke the engagement, as stated in act thirteen. the reason was basically: Angielle in this AU works not by a hereditary monarchy, but rather the previous monarch getting to choose whomever the fuck the want to succeed them. Hildyr and Alcaster were both in line for the throne, and Hildyr wanted to ensure that even if she couldn’t get the throne now, she still had a chance in the future if her daughter married Alcaster’s (who would then be king) son. Alcaster was like lol fuck off because he wanted power all to his family and took things into his own hands to ensure that would never happen (which involved: inciting public hatred against witches/Hildyr, breaking Lucette and Fritz’s engagement, and generally being a dick.

that’s about as plot heavy as it gets yall. the rest is just dumb idiots falling in love !

...............except for the political usurp that happens later, with Fritz’s faction forcefully taking the throne away from Alcaster’s tyrannical rule, which leads to a dramatic sway of public favour to Fritz and Lucette.

and then they live happily ever, ever after.

(carrie underwood. yes i am planning an Enchanted AU dont look at me.)

the end !

#cinderella phenomenon #cinderella phenomenon visual novel #lucette riella britton #fritzgerald aiden leverton #melon writes #uh yeah

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roses-foxes · 4 years

Text

TROS feelings but i try to keep it all in one (long) post

I’ve had some time to think about this film, read lots of different opinions on it, consider the things I hated and liked about it, and I guess I just want to share? Let’s start with the good stuff

What I liked

It’s really not much but some positivity is always nice lol

Adam Driver’s acting! He’s not the only good actor in this, but imo he’s far above the rest. I’m 90% sure he’s getting that Oscar for Marriage Story, but he’s also extremely good in this despite having probably more than half of his lines cut or altered (more on that later) and he deserves that recognition

The fact that Finn, Poe and Rey had stuff to do as a trio, even though it wasn’t well done (more on that later)

The Han moment with Ben

Rey being cheered on by all the past Jedi (more on that later too)

The concept of Rey burying the lightsabers and the last shot being on Tattooine at sunset

The lighstaber “””magic trick””” through the force with Rey and Ben

The entire dyad thing with Rey and Ben, actually

That’s literally it lmao I truly hate this film

What I think the problems are

Even if I hadn’t read stuff about it before, it’s super painfully obvious as you watch it that they had reshoots/line changes/storyline changes and it makes the film not make any sense at all, it’s such a mess.

A lot of super important lines by Kylo Ren are delivered with his mask on? There are also other instances without his mask where he’s either not in shot as he speaks or he has his arm in front of his mouth etc.. The more I think about it, the more I realise there’s literally no point at all in the story for him to reconstruct his mask. The scene where he does it is like.. 3 seconds long?? Like there’s no real emphasis on it even though it’s super important character-wise? UNLESS... it was done only to make sure lines (and therefore storylines) could be easily changed in the edit. I don’t think there’s actually a shot of anyone in the film saying, with their lips moving in shot, visibly “Rey is a Palpatine”, and that’s weird as hell? Rey herself never even really REACTS to it properly? In a saga that puts so much importance on legacy, she SHOULD have reacted, like Luke reacted when he learned Vader was his dad. Also Oscar Isaac said the actors had no idea that was a thing before the premiere..? Which implies there was no big table read with that part included and only a few people knew of that change? In my opinion it’s clear that this isn’t how the storyline was originally planned, and it probably was a last minute decision that they tried to make work with minor reshoots and some editing (the lightning when Rey blows up the ship Chewie is believed to be in could have been added in post-prod, for example).

That’s not the only change, a lot of people have pointed out that Rey speaks to Ben in the end (before the kiss), like, you can clearly see that her lips are moving and that he’s listening to her, but that conversation was cut for some reason? In many shots of that scene, Adam’s hair are longer then shorter, his hands are gloved then ungloved, Rey’s reaction to his death is super weird, he’s never mentioned again at all, he doesn’t get a force ghost even though Anakin did at the end of RoTJ, the shot where he falls back and dies makes more sense in reverse when you look at the angle of Rey’s arm etc.. it’s very possible in my mind that Ben Solo dying wasn’t originally planned either and they just reshot the kiss or something, but yeah that whole thing felt particularly sloppy to me. Props to Daisy and Adam for still making it kinda work though.

The editor of the film has said herself in a podcast that they used the “speaks with the mask on”, “not in shot” etc kind of tricks to allow them to change things up. Like idk what the hell happened to the original movie outline but I’m 10000% sure that it wasn’t what we ended up seeing at all.

What would have been my ideal TROS (or what would have at least slightly improved it)

Involve Rose Tico??? Instead of setting her aside for no reason at all, have her go on the mission with the trio, like it really isn’t that hard? Adding one (1) tiny little scene showing what her relationship with Rey is like would also have been great. Either continue the romance with Finn and develop it more, or establish that they decided to remain friends, but don’t cast it aside and pretend it never happened? What they did to her is fucking gross honestly. My heart breaks in a million pieces for KMT

Develop!! Rey!!! and Poe!! It’s clear that they were going with OT trio vibes with Rey/Finn/Poe, except that Finn’s relationship with Poe and Rey are developed separately, but Rey and Poe aren’t with each other. So it doesn’t really seem like a trio and more like 2 duos that have Finn in common, you know? In the OT, Han/Luke Han/Leia & Luke/Leia were all developed, and that’s why the trio worked as a whole by the end of the saga. Instead what TROS did was make Rey and Poe bicker 80% of the time for no real reason? Then hug? So.. are they friends or not bc it’s a bit hard to tell?

Cut that whole wayfinder plot to make it wayyy shorter. It was so stupid to watch (the knife needing to be placed exactly right at the exact right place, are you kidding me JJ Abrams? Is this Benjamin Gates or smth?), it didn’t do anything at all for the characters journey, it introduced people (Zorii and Jannah) that, as cool as they were, ended up not doing much at all...? Those were weird ass choices that ended up taking away screen time that could have actually been useful for the characters we already had. If you wanted a cool female character, JJ, Rian Johnson already had one. But where was she all that time? Oh, yeah. Off screen.

NO REY PALPATINE. Makes no sense at all, is awful, has super weird implications that are never really explained, it’s full of plot holes... just big huge no. Rey being Rey Nobody was extremely powerful. It meant creating your OWN legacy, your OWN history, it connected her with the audience more. Rian Johnson actually surprised me with this, and I would have loved for it to stay that way. This is actually what crushed me the most about the entire film, I refuse this as canon completely.

Ideally,... no Palpatine at all? Him coming back kinda ruins Vader’s arc for me. Ofc one big bad was needed after Snoke’s death and Kylo Ren getting an obvious redemption (yes, it was obvious, I’m not even gonna go through explaining it, just rewatch the 2 previous films). But Hux was RIGHT THERE. We knew he was a big BIG mean guy since his dictator speech in TFA, he had more to do with Starkiller Base than Kylo Ren ever had (yep, thats canon hoes), he always hated Kylo Ren, he almost killed him in Snoke’s throne room, I mean??? Plus Domhnall Gleeson is an excellent actor, why waste him like this when you can give him a great character arc where he does a coup and takes over the First Order?? Nonesense

Have Kylo/Ben’s redemption earlier in the movie and show him actively save lives before joining Rey’s side. I don’t necessarily hate how it played out in the film but I was pissed off that for a movie called The Rise of Skywalker, the actual Skywalker still alive barely speaks or does much once he comes back from the dark side. If you go for a redemption, GO for it, make him break Vader’s mask intentionally, make him feel Hux’s betrayal, make him be heroic. And ideally, once he saved lots of lives, imply that he intends on rebuilding the things he broke.. and make him live. Because having a last minute good action then “poof, he’s dead!” isn’t reverse Anakin/Vader, it’s a direct parallel to it. Which is a lot less interesting to watch as an audience. Why make a new trilogy if the ending is so similar to the original one? Why make it all about balance if Rey ends up forever brokenhearted bc her dyad in the force died?

Still regarding Kylo/Ben: A FORCE GHOST MOMENT WITH ANAKIN WAS SO ESSENTIAL FFS? Even one with Luke? Or literally any other Jedi, like I’m so mad about that. He was the LAST Skywalker. Rey was cheered on by all the jedi and that was cool as hell, but when he was lying in that pit he should have been cheered on too? It would have been such an awesome scene to have that parallel between them (also them killing Palpatine TOGETHER would have been better, but whatever nothing about Palp made sense)

Heavier hand on the Rey/Ben romance. I’m one of the people who saw it coming since TLJ, so I personally wasn’t surprised at all, but a lot of casual fans were and that isn’t normal. There were so many opportunities for scenes reallyyy preparing the ground for a big epic space kiss that would have felt more satisfying, instead all we got in terms of clear romance pre-kiss was “I did wanted to take your hand, Ben’s hand”. That wasn’t enough. TLJ went hard, but stayed subtle. TROS needed to go harder, and not be subtle at all.

NO RACIST DRUG SMUGGLING BACKSTORY FOR POE!! And instead maybe an arc about taking over Leia’s legacy in the resistance, about him fighting since he was a kid, about his parents being Rebellion fighters... if there was a story to be told about legacy... that was IT. Bc that’s Star Wars. You have characters trying to distance themselves from their legacies (Kylo Ren), trying to build their own legacies (Finn, Rey), and characters honouring it (Poe, Rose). It’s so stupid that they didn’t actually go anywhere with that.

Give Finn something to do??? My boy was treated so fucking dirty I can’t believe. He’s an ex stormtrooper, why didn’t he, at ANY point in this trilogy, ever think twice about killing stormtroopers? If he KNOWS they’re brainwashed child soldiers.... why not have him do something with that? Create an arc around that? He’s really just gonna kill them left and right like it’s nothing to him? We’re gonna introduce Jannah, basically a female version of him (bc apparently that’s all woc get to have --’) who’s also an ex stormtrooper, and still not build an actual storyline around that? In a trilogy about BALANCE, ffs, which implies there can be good in the bad and bad in the good?? Like I’m losing my mind here lol that’s so so so dumb. Also for the entire film he’s got *something* to tell Rey, but there are some issues there: if it was a romantic confession, it doesn’t quite work bc TLJ already gave him another romantic interest (Rey too even if ppl like to deny it, Kylo was her love interest in TLJ) + made him care about the fight besides her. So making him be all “heart-eyes puppy following her around”, especially if you plan on having her kiss someone else at the end, seems particularly cruel. But if it was about him being force sensitive, it still doesn’t really work bc 1) it’s barely implied in the film and doesn’t actually go anywhere. It was a great idea! So why not fully lean into it? What was the point? I don’t get it. 2) They don’t even resolve it. Like, he tries to tell her that *something* like 3 times, and in the end it’s just never brought up, we leave the theatre not knowing what it was. I mean?????

Have Leia’s death be more meaningful and CLEAR as to why she dies. I’ve seen like 10 different interpretations of her death. None of them make absolute perfect sense, that’s how poorly executed it was. I know they didn’t have much to work with, but I hate her dying like that, its like they tried to kill her off but had no idea how so there were like “she lays down and dies”. She’s Princess Leia ffs. Giver her some damn respect.

I think I said pretty much everything I had in mind here. If you want to chat about it, my ask box is open!

I still love star wars, but i’m gonna need to refuse to see this movie as canon in my head, for my own sanity ^^

#star wars #tros

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