#bc if i really cared about... art. good art. meaningful art. then i would not be content with making meaningless art

[sunsetsover]

made a new post bc the original was long enough as it was but i've been chewing on these tags @ropebunnykant left on it for a while now because they've really been bothering me and i've been tryna figure out why. like i know i talked about kant always being splintered into different versions of himself or existing w an asterisk next to his name but like.... does it run deeper than that? does kant actually know who is outside of his relationships to others? does kant know who he is beyond the superficial stuff? would kant know how to be alone?

i think the answer is no

i don't think kant has a real sense of identity. i don't think he's ever been afforded the opportunity to develop one. it's why he doesn't think he's interesting. it's why, when he does something objectively nice for james, it doesn't even occur to him to mention it. it's why he doesn't really know how to talk about himself. like ok he likes art. ok he's a tattooist. but what else do we know about kant? kant as a person, not in relation to others. what about his personality? what does he like? what does he want to do in the future? who is he when he's alone in bed at night?

what does he want?

the only thing we're actually explicitly told about kant by kant himself that doesn't somehow tie back to someone else is that he loved sports, especially basketball. but the most interesting part of that to me is that those were things he did in high school. over 10 years ago. probably right around the time his parents died. and its like wow..... is that the last time he liked something just for the sake of liking it? was the last time he had hobbies? the man is 29, and yet the only thing he could think to bring up about himself was something he liked and did when he was 18? is that all there is?

ofc we know at some point around that time that his parents died and he had to take over custody of babe. that lead to bills and the car thieving and captain christ and kant probably didn't leave any time for kant himself. completely understandable. but when you're that young your personality is still forming. you're figuring out who you are, what you want, what you like and what you don't. and when you don't have time to experiment and engage with the world in any meaningful way and you're constantly operating from a place of fear and lack and desperation, what then? what are you left with then?

kant does have a personality. he's definitely not a blank slate. he's cheeky and clever, a (relatively) smooth talker. he has a sense of style and he has friends and he has a job he's passionate about and clearly good at. but that's kind of where it ends if you look at him in isolation. he's brave, but bc he's had to be. he's adaptable, but out of necessity. he's lots of things but most of them are born out of the life he's led as opposed to who he is as a person. he's thoughful, and he's romantic. caring, loyal. willing to do anything for the ones he loves - but all of that ultimately that all goes back to others. it goes back to giving, bc that's what kant does. i don't think he knows who he is if he's not pouring his cup into someone else's. i don't think he knows how to love without putting his life on the line for it.

so then who actually is kant? does he even know? among the many versions of himself that he's had to be over the years, does kant even know which parts were real and which ones were fake? which ones were born out of desperation and which ones acted out of necessity? did he bet on football matches bc he liked it or bc he needed a lot of money quickly? did he hang around with those people because he liked them or bc he'd got so used to being around questionable people working under christ's thumb that he doesn't know how to be around 'normal' people? did he have a lot of one night stands bc he liked it and that's all he wanted, or was it bc he didn't really know how to be in a real relationship with someone? did he help james out of the kindness of his heart or because he doesn't know how to be someone's friend without offering them something, even when it's something you can't really afford to offer?

i don't know exactly. i don't know where kant ends and trauma begins. but i do know that there's something fucked up about kant's sense of identity. and i do know that i want to dissect him like a lab frog to figure out exactly what the fuck is going on in there.

[aranarumei]

scrambles in after work let's see if we can get that 2k out of you

While I love a successful love story, yes yes yes unrequited loves! (Also handshake anti hanahaki) Loves that are tragic in their way, but also just a part of life. A part of the experiences that make up a person. I love that that's kind of the theme of your fic? What has Ichinose gone through, what was the progression of thoughts and emotions and experiences that lead to where he is now. Even if he does go on to enter a successful relationship, it's fine for that not to be his first love, for Suzuki and the dorm manager to have had such an impact on him. (Side note, loved Suzuki's "reassuring smile"!! Felt that!!)

Also the conflict!! Even if he believes what he says about moving on, does he live it out? He knows it in his head, but what about his heart? Characters can be liars, and even more often, they are just complex! It's exactly because he struggles with it that he thinks about it so much, values those concepts, will talk about it. And still do things that are in conflict with it. Would Ichinose consider himself "moving on" even?

Alsoooo, thoughts on contrasting this with Kagiura and Hirano? I think in another comment you talked about Ichinose's denial of his feelings (hunger) vs Kagiura's insatiability. And then there's Hirano who just doesn't have the same hunger that they do! (Also did I mention I love Ichinose being comfortable with Hirano because he's weird. Weird kids gotta stick together, like there really is such solidarity even when you're different brands of weird.)

ALSOOOO HANZAWA. Loved the line about Ichinose being a little disconcerted by Hanzawa, a little insecure about this first year kind of doing what he should be as dorm head, even just as a senpai. But I knowwwww Hanzawa has at least as much anxiety shoved in him as Ichinose, he is just so so good at hiding it. Just keep busy and no one will look to closely, least of all himself.

(context: we’re discussing my fic, violeta fantasy. this is part 1. part 2 is here)

scrambles in after one of the busiest weeks of my life You Will Get Your... 1.2k, it looks like. I did see your asks and then thought about making a proper Organized Post about all the violeta fantasy things again, and then I realized that would take me like a full month so I decided on the more casual route. thank you for your questions / comments, since instead of trying to write Everything I can just... do my best to address this stuff. under the cut bc this is a long answer even if it's not 2k-long.

When I first concepted this fic, the base idea was just, “I want to write an Ichinose character study.” And what I really wanted to focus on was the unrequited love, since we’d seen that Ichinose has really strong feelings about the dorm manager. And these feelings are definitely one-sided—I suppose we’ve yet to know if it’s one-sided forever, but I think for now my statement holds. I think that’s nice, because I love unrequited love. it is powerful, and moving, and meaningful to me, even without any eventual happy ending. This is probably why hanahaki as a trope doesn’t agree with me… I don’t care for the idea that you’ll die if love isn’t mutual (though the art / visuals of choking up flowers is pretty sick).

Ichinose also seems pretty closeted, which is. Another thing I wanted to work with, here, when discussing his character. Ichinose is the type of character who feels like he’s living a pretty high-achieving life. he’s got great grades, is working towards his dreams, and he was social enough to be the dorm head. I'm pretty sure that Hirano describes him as a chill type of guy, which is a fascinating description for someone who we’ve seen get stress cramps. It made me think that Ichinose was someone with a pretty good mask. And it’s not that the vibrant, nice Ichinose we see isn’t real—it’s just that it’s an incomplete representation of him. It fit with a lot of things I was thinking about regarding my personal experiences with being closeted.

Ichinose is someone who looks Fine on the outside, but being gay fundamentally makes it impossible for him to have a “normal” life. Suzuki, here, is meant to represent the mundane and the average. that “reassuring smile” that Ichinose likes him for gives him a sense of belonging. It’s something that sets him at ease because it tells him, you’re not weird. Suzuki is one of the most common Japanese surnames ever, which is why I picked it for this character. I’m pretty sure this is also the reason why the love interest in Let’s Love (the fake archetypal shoujo manga in Gekkan Shoujo Nozaki-kun) is named Suzuki Saburou, so it was also a nod to that. This, by all respects, should be an “ordinary” first love. But Ichinose can’t help but be weird, because he’s gay. That fact alone bars him from the side of “normal.” So when Suzuki later disrespects Ichinose’s favorite game, and doesn’t understand how important it is, it’s a drawing of a chasm between the two. The reminder that you’re always, always going to be an outsider.

I was also really interested in the game message that Ichinose liked so much: “If you never move on, it’s all been a waste.” I thought that concept fit really well with moving on from unrequited love, so it was a natural thing to focus on within the fic. When I thought about highlighting that, I thought it’d be neat to just… talk about the game itself, and have that somehow parallel or echo themes in Ichinose’s life, which is exactly what happened. It was a fun framing device—I got to say a lot of things about Ichinose without necessarily saying them directly, which was cool.

And the message is so interesting, because it’s Ichinose’s explanation. That’s colored by his own experiences. I was kind of vague as to whether Ichinose actually moves on at the end, and that’s in part because I myself wasn’t sure. I’m glad now that I did that, considering Ichinose moved out of the dorm and is still hanging out with the dorm manager. It’s nice to see Ichinose like that, without being a nervous wreck. My interpretation, keeping canon in mind, is that internally, Ichinose has revisited the idea of “moving on” and decided to value his in-the-moment feelings more. Violeta Fantasy (the game) doesn’t suggest that Ven’s feelings about his friends were wrong. Instead it (through Astra) says that they matter, but they can’t control him. So, the Ichinose that obsesses over the futility of his love and the need to move on… he’s actually Defining himself by that relationship, isn’t he? He's letting that anguish of it, whether it's the experience of unrequital, or the desperate need to move on, control him.

So a lot of his final conclusion rests on the idea of like… he has to accept that love DOES feel this way. That it DOES suck. (When YOU fall in love, YOU fall.) That he’s going to feel like this, and one day he won’t feel like this, but that day is not today. (...Not yet.) And that's... fine. For someone who self-describes himself as “impatient,” I thought it would be really good for him to learn to live in the moment. (Close YOUR eyes. Feel the wind. YOU are not yet flying.)

Speaking of… contrasts with Kagiura and Hirano! As you say, I think looking at Kagiura and Ichinose’s relationship to hunger is a fun way of looking at their relationship to desire. Kagiura is insatiable, and he doesn’t ignore it—he’s always snacking and he uses dinnertime as an excuse to stop studying. On the other hand, Ichinose gets so into studying that he’s liable to ignore his hunger and skip entire meals. I see this as a denial of his own desire, which is reflected in my fic with how he’s really insistent about the idea of moving on. As for Ichinose’s friendship with Hirano, one of my headcanons is that Ichinose was kind of a chill and relaxed roommate, despite being the dorm head, because his personal experiences with anxiety have him trying to set everyone else at ease. It’s this feeling of like, don’t look at me and see what’s wrong with me. I’m normal! Nothing to see here. This is a feeling that, in my fic, stems from his experience with Suzuki and being in the closet. Hirano is really good at living his life in his way, and I think seeing someone who’s just so unapologetically Himself would make Ichinose feel like he, too, could be a little weird, and it’d be fine. (This is, after all, the guy who would later google the definition of “normal” because he wasn’t sure what a romantic relationship was meant to be like.) I’m honestly very proud of this because like… Ichinose kind of gives him the allowance to be Weird later on in ch 29, so like… I was picking up on themes! (I think?)  

Hanzawa’s so fun to me because it is very like… hello, Ichinose. That’s you. They’re not the exact same, but Hanzawa definitely has his own set of masks, and I think he’s said before that he keeps busy so he doesn’t get too in his head? Which feels very much like Ichinose. Also I feel like Hanzawa has his own complications with being closeted and stuff, too, which is really fun because Ichinose doesn’t actually know that about him, so he thinks he’s doing fine even though they have the same issue of “outside fine, inside Not Fine.” I think Ichinose would also be disconcerted because of Hanzawa’s Alleged Homophobia (NOT REAL. sorry I just. don’t like homophobic hanzawa statements even as jokes). Ichinose sidesteps Hanzawa really well in ch 28, actually—navigates the situation so he’s kept in the dark about the Hirano and Kagiura hugging situation. So, I think I was correct to write him as a little wary and sensitive to Hanzawa.

Hanzawa's another character that occupies my mind like crazy, I love writing that guy. Thank you for these questions / comments! Sorry it took so long, and I will try to answer your second ask... in less time, maybe.

[marigoldbaker]

making a list of good things that happened this year because there's too many and i need them recorded for posterity

visited bonus mom in england and it rewired my entire brain chemistry. i did not blog about it a lot i don't think and i don't talk about it often because it was such a joyful celia is fully present experience, but i will say that when i first arrived at the airport i was so fucking nervous and i was all kinds of shaky and fucked up and terrified that this six year long relationship would fall apart when we tried to translate it to irl and then i saw them there with a sign for me that is now on my wall in my apartment and something in my heart snapped into place and i literally physically flung myself at them and tripped over my suitcase and my knees gave out and i ended up dragging them down to the floor and we hugged for like at least ten minutes (conservative estimate probably). true story

jess is an entire bullet point on this list. funny sweet important passionate talented dedicated hardworking academically iconic definitely needs to take more naps keeps me apprised on extensive sims lore is coming out to visit in february is incisively thoughtful and we've made up beef for our dnd characters together. i love you a lot jess. i would say more things but i bet even these things are going to make you hide under a pillow. so.

so many other friends! like??? insane???? quite a few irl friends which is so cool! particular love for hal and silvain and rj (calendiles dnd crew i love you i'm so glad me putting down jenny has not meant putting down our friendships bc you're all such marvelous people) and gabby and silvain (silvain gets a double mention for Reading Literally All Of My 200K Word Fic reasons. erudite, and immensely appreciated)

and the new bg3 friends i'm beginning to associate with who i don't wanna name by name bc i'm shy and i care overly but PLEASEEE know if we've texted more than once about bg3 i probably adore you greatly and admire your creativity and thoughtful opinions and am trying to play it cool but im bad at it. yes this is about you. i deeply hope we will continue talking. probably about jaheira bc im obsessed with that woman.

being part of like 2 different dnd campaigns this year right around the time i started playing bg3 for the first time was REALLY fucking cool.

ACTUALLY ON THAT SUBJECT THE WHOLE BG3 THING WAS REALLY FUCKING COOL. it feels really special to not like....idk, this year is the first year of my life i have not been labeling myself as That Jenny Calendar Girl! i don't feel like i'm That Jenny Calendar Girl. i am celia :) i like a lot of different things! i like video games, i like bookmaking, i like drawing, i like cooking and food, i like fashion, i like writing, i like little calico critters <3 ironically my url is still the same but i think i am going to keep it that way for a little while, because i like remembering what brought me to this blog in the first place.

fell in love with my neighborhood! it was always bound to happen, but the moving-in process was rough, and it took me a while to connect with the place. now i know what drink i like to order at the local cafes, i know where i want to go for coffee and for pizza, i know about farmers' markets and local events, i know that There Is A Fucking Swimming Pool Across From My House. i do not think i can ever leave.

started to FINALLY feel comfortable in my job! i still don't totally know what i'm doing, but i don't feel like i'm sleepwalking through work while badly dissociating, and i really love the work that i do + the position i fill. i'm so hopeful that i can continue to work with teens. being a teen librarian is oft a difficult position to find

learned how to cook! did not do it often this year but oh well. i was busy.

went to the chicago art institute for the first time ever and got to see a sunday afternoon on the island of la grande jatte by georges seurat which was really insanely meaningful because sunday in the park with george is one of my dad's favorite musicals, and he went and saw that painting a long long time ago, and he also went and saw the monet paintings, and we texted a bunch about it

kept connected with my dad and my brother, and am starting to realize that having my own adult life means i fit a lot easier into theirs.

was briefly and meaningfully reunited with the actual love of my life (the pacific ocean)

VISITED A ROCK BEACH IN ENGLAND. if no one else got me i KNOW rock beach got me. everyone i have talked to is like "no, beaches need to be sandy" but i don't think they understand the sensory experience of sitting among 10000000000 rocks and picking them up and playing with them and finding a piece of rock chalk and drawing faces on the rocks and leaving all the rock faces for someone else to find and hopefully be unnerved by and then having your bonus mom's partner be like "celia are you just abandoning your children there" and reconsidering a lot of life choices but not enough to take the rock faces

i love you lake michigan im sorry i spent 80 percent of this year being mad at you for not being the pacific ocean im done having emotional problems i promise

went and saw wicked 3 different times

went on a couple of really meaningful and sweet dates and even if they didn't go anywhere i think the fact that i'm capable of feeling like that about another person is super awesome to know, and makes me so excited to keep on trying with that

went on a bunch of REALLY wonderful friend-dates and made new friends :) who i have been hanging out with on and off when our schedules allow for the last few months, and who invite me to parties and things!

received some really incredible and personal holiday gifts from a couple of friends, making me subsequently realize that maybe i'm not impossible to give gifts to

drew an entire wall of art for above my bed

bought a four piece microwave safe dish set in colors i love that remind me of marigold. for $10. will absolutely never let anyone forget that or change my blog title (which is a reference to the fact that i went insane that day to the extent that a woman leaving the shop saw me sitting outside with my cardboard box of dishes and went "are you still enjoying your dish set?" and i did not know who she was bc i blacked out and told everyone in the store about how much i loved the dish set. apparently)

i cannot even talk about marigold without getting so unwell and feeling in my chest just this indescribable feeling. i spent like eight years unwaveringly obsessed with a minor character from a 90s tv show who i really was just making into my own original character, but she never could feel fully mine, and the experience of creating my own girl from scratch (baking her, lol) when i was regularly dissociating and vaguely suicidal and having her be the thing that made me figure out how to connect with things and be happy again has been probably one of the best things i have ever experienced. to know unequivocally that the thing that makes me feel strong and centered is something i made for myself out of all the complicated insecurities and worries i feel. she brings me so much joy. i don't think i'm ever going to put her down. that 90s girl was not my baby, and that 90s video game woman, as beloved as she is, may not be around in my heart forever (though i strongly suspect it's going to be another decade, lol) but marigold? that's always. i love her. she's the girl i made for me

[mrnightingale]

About the whole NG thing, two things I want to say: I haven't read the article yet, I intend to read it in the near future but I need to be in a Good Mood and take care of myself first.

But I know the trigger warnings. I have an idea. And when I first saw them I only could think "this is so much worse than everything I could have imagined". I haven't been in touch w the news since August I think, when I stopped interacting w the GO fandom bc I lost interest, but in my mind there were only the allegations of only two women. I always believed and will believe and support the victims, but sincerely I didn't know what to expect when more information came out, and this is so much worse. I was staying in the edge bc of the lack of information, and given that I only started reading his work last year, I wasn't really involved w him.

I know there are some ppl saying that the news have been around long enough to process the information, but this is not what I was prepared for at first. And I'm genuinely scared of reading the article bc I really don't know how much worse it can be. How monstrous he is, how much did his victims suffer. I want to cry only thinking about it.

I know I won't be able to separate his work from the article once I read it, so I want to be prepared first.

And the thing is, I don't even like him all that much. I didn't grow up reading his work, he didn't have a strong impact in my life (except for the Coraline movie that was released when I was still a child, but that's the only one). But he is the first and only writer that caught my attention that wasn't dead half a century ago. I've always read classics, and I'm actually quite tired of not having any modern literature I can enjoy. I didn't grow up reading Harry Potter or Percy Jackson. I don't have any books in common with my reader friends.

And he was the first I really wanted to read, and I was starting to discover his work when the first news came out. But time has passed and somehow, even if I don't read *his* books, he's involved one way or another with absolutely everything I kinda like rn. And it's a lot. Bc of Good Omens I discovered David Tennant and Michael Sheen, and now they're my favourite actors, then Doctor Who and Sandman and DBDA, and even if it's not bc of him, that doesn't quit the fact that he's involved with the story. I'm genuinely thinking of becoming an actor and he is part of it. Even if GO is also written by Pratchett, even if there's a lot of people who aren't like him in the creation of Sandman, even if dbda is Steve's creation, even if he only wrote two or three Who chapters, he's everywhere. How can he be literally everywhere.

I can appreciate a good piece of art, and I can enjoy it till some point even if I know there's a bad story behind it, but I know not everyone is like this. And I don't mean separate the art from the artist. I mean having in mind that a horrible person can do meaningful art. And I know that apparently there are much more ppl he hurted, and I can only think how would it be for them. Knowing that you can't really escape from his name. Knowing that he's so "important" that some people will support him no matter what. It's horrible, really.

Maybe I'm only interacting with the media he's involved with, but that doesn't make it any better, bc I can't believe I only connect deeply with art corrupted by his name on it.

I'm deliberately not doing any GO or Sandman art, bc I know that's promoting his work and he still can gain from it, but even if dw and dbda have nothing to do with him, I can't stop thinking that maybe he's still involved enough w it that somehow he's still gaining smth from it... Idk.

I don't know what to do, actually. I think no one does. I know I didn't felt the betrayal that all the fans of his work felt. I know we should shut the fuck up about the discussion of his work and focus on the victims. I know some people will disagree with me and say I shouldn't enjoy something bc that's supporting a monster. I really don't want to support him, but he's even where he shouldn't. What the fuck.

I think only now I'm starting to realize why he's such a disappointment for everyone. He really was an important artist in the industry. He really inspired a lot of good people. His work really was meaningful and was an escape for a lot of people who suffered a lot. People who suffered as much as he make his victims suffer. It's ironic, really.

Idk, I just wanted to write it down. Everyone is dealing with it in their own way...

[amethystfairy1]

Hi Amethyst! It's been a hot minute since I sent an ask in, but I have been reading both fics every day (still obsessed lmao) (also I name changed btw, used to be ElenaLoo)

Anyways, I had written a whole ask waxing eloquent on all the wonderful things going on in ttsbc, but I accidentally shut off my computer partway through and frankly I can't be bothered to write it all out again lmao. Just. It's beautiful (wow isnt that so meaningful and deep? im sure you're feeling very complimented rn)

The REAL thing I wanted to talk about was Traveling thieves (which is by far my favorite fanfic of ALL TIME), and all the amazingness in ttsbc made me forget it even existed for the past few weeks. But the other day I was just like "oh yeah. Traveling thieves." and then i reread the whole thing. whoopsies.

Ummm anywyas there's so many thoughts in my head about all the little guys, but recently I've been on an Imp and Skizz obsession (just scroll on my page for .2 seconds and you'll see) and YOU. You left them on a CLIFFHANGER. >:((( (not actually mad btw). I just. so excited for them. They're out alone in the woods right now and Skizz is going to have the perfect opportunity to kill Impulse and get away and I just am falling apart thinking about them. (I drew them to cope lol, posted on my blog but also later here so that I can talk about it more). I can see this playing out a few ways. Obviously Skizz isn't actually going to kill Impulse, so he's either going to 1) make up some excuse as to why he can't do it right then, but still plans to do it eventually, or 2) he does it. but he doesn't. Skizz attacks Impulse when he's not expecting it, there's a scuffle, and Skizz comes out on top---BUT THEN HE CAN"T FINISH IT!!! and it's a whole thing where even tho skizz tried to kill him, imp is still so understanding and skizz cries and impulse just freaking gives him a hug and

sigh

Whatever you do will be beautiful, I'm sure. I think you mentioned you're switching to tt after this fic, so crossing my fingers it's imp and skizz. (Though, would also be very happy with Martyn and Ren :P) (or anything really i just love tt)

Anyways, I had the art on my blog but I'm also putting it here so i can say things about it to you

Mostly I'm just very proud of their expressions, with Impulse being all concerned glancing over at Skizz, meanwhile Skizz is completely deadpan staring forwards, also looking very tired bc he needs a break from this universe. Also I switched up my Impulse design a lil bit from last time (if u even remember that lol it was months ago now). you would think, just looking at them, that Impulse took way longer to design, but nope, I was messing around with Skizz for at least double the time, trying to figure out how to have him facing forward whilst still showing some of the scars on his back. I gave up eventually xD (all that means is that im gonna have to draw him again later, from different angles)

actually that made me remember a question I had: are you planning to ship Imp and Skizz? Ik you said Zed and Tango are going to be a thing far in the future, but... skizzpulse? plzzzz plz pretty please haha im not obsessed

aaaaaand that reminds me of another question, is skizz going to be in ttsbc? (pretty please also same question as tt, if he was in ttsbc, are him and impulse together? Im addicted to them all i care about these days is some good imp and skizz shipfics, and you're such a fantastic writer, both with plot and the vibes of the words themselves. u could write such good imp and skizz. just imagine the possibilites! (am i selling it?))

aaaaaanyways. im gonna go reread the old tt skizz fics because theyre delicious and painful, like eating knives. u have a good day :))

HIIIIIII

I ADORE THIS ART SO MUCH! I gave you all my rambles on the reblog but it's SOOOOO COOL!

I'm sad the waxing eloquent about TTSBC is gone 😭 but that's ok!

I'm so glad you're enjoying TT and all the drama going on in there! Imp and Skizz are definitely having a time and a half with all of this nonsense going on...I love all your theories! I won't confirm or deny anything of course, but I'm so happy you're excited for them!

I will not be shipping Imp and Skizz, sorry! I just personally don't ship them, so they're gonna remain platonic...I mean, in TT who knows what the hell they're doing to be fair 😆 but yeah, Zedango is going to be a thing in the distant future, but no Skizzpulse! Sorry!

Skizz is not in TTSBC at the moment, that doesn't mean he never will be! Just haven't found a spot for him yet...and no, he also would not be with Impulse, I'm so sorry I just don't ship them personally! I think it's a very cute ship tho!

Enjoy rereading the TT Skizz fics!!! Thank you again for the gorgeous art!!!! I love it!!! 💖

[witchdisk]

your video is AMAZING!! what video editing software did you use and was it easy to learn? (<- am trying to learn basic video editing myself) and did you have to download the pig footage from somewhere? (no pressure to answer + thank you for sharing such lovely art + thank u to all the girlies in the video sharing the performance art of their tattoos it is genuinely so meaningful to me 💜)

thank you!!

I used davinci resolve bc I saw it was free and it looked good enuf. I had zero issues with bugs in the software. It was intuitive enough, and I figured out a lot of things by trial and error. When I wanted to do something specific and couldn't figure it out, I was able to find video tutorials that taught me how to. A lot of the ways I was doing things felt clumsy, and I know I could learn much more to make editing smoother. I would say this process was not very difficult. It took me most of one day to go from 0 knowledge to making this.

it is like learning to code where having a project you care about really helps.

I got the pig footage from the official how-to video from the hog slapper manufacturer. I used yt-dlp to download the video.

thank you for watching!! I am so grateful that everyone let me share this :)

its kind of fun going from "regular but still fucked up tuesday night" to "performance art" where the only difference is how it's presented post-scene. making a whole video was unplanned!

p.s. we are not all girlies there is at least one of us that label doesn't rly apply to i think (also only one using primarily she/her pronouns rn lmaoo)

[brokenmagxc]

🎙️ ― great to talk to 📚 ― nice threads to read 🎀 ― all-around kind person 🥇 ― well-developed oc

lemme shout-out the good homies in the back ( accepting. )

🎙️ ― great to talk to

@morteuse bronwyn is a gift to mankind, that's all i gotta say. great creativity and ideas, sweeter than candy, always pleasant to chat with and willing to entertain my dumb butt. 10/10 and than is the best !!

📚 ― nice threads to read

@bruz3r brooooose always a pleasure to see him on the dash !! i enjoy a lot of your interactions with your mutuals and mains, it's always nice to see your unique writing and characterization shine through the dash !! @techniiciian ima be honest i had no idea what i should have expected when i followed you but i do not regret a single second of my interest bc matt is ?? the best ?? funny and sweet and meaningful, your threads are always a joy to read !! sunshine on the dash !! @ensnchekov was going to put you in the prev category but really we definitely need to talk more !! bc lemme tell you, your passion for pav shows in all your threads. i love that you're open to new ideas and settings and seeing how you are adapting your muse to different situations is so cool to witness !! @diaboeli yeaaaaah i def stalk your threads on the DL because ?? every muse you write is incredible !! i love watching your interactions between mutuals — i always end up catching the highlights, like right in the action or the spice, and just giggle and kick my feet bc its good shit

🎀 ― all-around kind person

@darehearts wow ok ive known lucy a long time and while we are not super close, lucy has been nothing but a great friend to me. not only is her dedication and passion for her muse(s) so authentic and admirable, but she really puts the time and care into extending that compassion and enthusiasm to the people she interacts with. she has always, always offered words of encouragement, motivated me, shared in my passions and interests, offered wisdom and kindness and patience, and really, out of all the people i have met on this platform, lucy is one of the best, most genuine, most authentic and kind individuals i have met and i am so so happy to reconnect with her after all these years.

🥇 ― well-developed oc

@arthisan wow okay so, first of all i love the mun, sav. they are so nice and they have great ideas that i love developing with them. their oc arthur ( twin !! ) is such a gem ??? really truly a gift in this world. i think the nuances of the character, the influence of the time period he is based in, the carefully crafted realities that shape his motivations and mannerisms, and how real and tangible he feels on paper and beyond is so ?? wonderful to see. i am bless to be graced by sav and art and both me and artie love them very deeply ( bran and mabee for the win !! ). @horroreverent ummmm friend i was not gonna forget about you !! bo is a certified OG bamf, such great characterization and personalized twist to folklore and your creativity and dedication for him shines through every interaction, even after so long !! very admirable, and its so so nice to see someone from back in the olden days still thriving <3 artie and i are excited to continue messing around with him !! @cursedblessed wow i love james, atlas and ophie soooo much !! another blog i would put in every category bc the mun is great, the writing is amazing, the characterization and dedication to the ocs is fantastic, and i would love to write a million things with them !!

[tithe2hell]

thoughts (aroace fujoshism, sexuality of "play" vs "real" idk idk)

Fujoism is a really funny experience...I don't sexually get off to men and I don't find it attractive in the arousal sense and yet I find gay sex really aesthetically calming and fun... I feel like the way I articulate my fujoisms feels often like the way very chill straight men talk about their no homo aesthetic appreciation of guys and homoeroticism, as like an intriguing concept, perhaps on some level "locked out" of experiencing it in the "real" internal inherent appreciative way but still feeling impressed somehow.

I don't really feel a mournfulness or fomo-leading-to-self-actualization the way say, some of the usual timeline of like the fujos who turn out to be gay transmasc are, since I don't rly care to be a participant. And ig i feel different than the lesbian fujos since I don't feel the men are stand-ins for women or a general queer attraction necessarily. I think for me a lot of it is the pleasure of feeling "Outside" or other (the fujo cuck chair, as one expresses). Idk I think sex is fun and interesting as a subject and expression of characters and their desires, not *despite* not wanting it but maybe specifically *because* of not understanding or connecting to it.

Thinking about this because of a minor personal conflict earlier with a former friend which was sad and frustrating to me bc it was like they could not believe or understand that I, or other aroaces for that matter, could have interest in making art or consuming art about sexual subjects and being invested in such works emotionally without it being idk a symptom of being in a state of unhealthy sexual repression.

I think this made me really self conscious for a long while and also sad. Because of acephobia lol but also in a more vain sense, about my skills. Either one can be good at making sexually themed art, and that means you must be secretly Really Full of 'real' desires you're using art as a cheap substitute to idk avoid Living Your True Life. Or I'm just idk a freak who doesn't understand will never understand and any attempts at making art about this subject for which I am an outsider will look ridiculous, shallow, and insulting to the Real Sexuality Experiencers. And why should I even bother, huh!

The thing is I think for a lot of my experiences, both irl and artistic, I think a lot of it feels kind of...if not fake, like some sort of external performance more than internal since I don't have that internal desire drive I guess. I draw gay sex, I don't experience it, but I enjoy the concept about it. I kissed my lesbian friends and shared beds and space and showers w them and felt nothing inherently desirous about it in my body but I value the experience and intimate trust as something meaningful and fun. I've never had sex and don't particularly want to but I feel that if I ever did it would be a similar feeling of outsider-play, an appreciation from the outside of experience but nothing inherently bodily meaningful the way it is for other people. I guess this is where kink comes in for some but I don't think about it in terms of kink necessarily.

anyways just some thoughts. I feel my relationship to sexuality TLDR is just that to me it all feels fake and unreal but in a playful way, I don't mean to deny other ppl the way it is Real and Weighty and Impactful to their lives. I think this may be part of the reason why some dudes get pissed off at Fujos for the "fetishization" it's bc they're maybe doing the weight vs lightness thing....a sexual orientation and life identity is Serious Business vs the triviality of yaoi. Which I can respect, but also I think it ignores how the "triviality" of works is also not in itself identity, but Artistic Exploration, which by nature must have stylized playfulness to it that is not necessarily always attached to reality (although knowledge of reality always adds to art.) different goals exist then, to live vs. to create for its own sake. For many it overlaps but I do think they are different goals. And the frustration happens when ppl mix up the play-fake with the real, and that aspect I think goes both ways (the infamous anecdotes of the fujos harassing gay ppl like characters, but also of random dudes getting mad at someone posting an obviously fictional story or explicit sexual fantasy and being like "how could u fetishize MEEEEE" the boundaries being broken down in those instances)

[libra-stellium]

Venus Transits I tracked!

Descriptions from Planets in Transit - Robert Hand

Venus opposite Moon (Apr 17 - Apr 21)

Any problems under this transit are likely to come from doing something to excess

Did I drink a whole bottle of wine on 4/20? yes. Was I feeling it the next day? yes lol Do I regret it? nope! I was trying to have a great night in and that's exactly what I had!

This transit arouses your affections and makes you willing to give and receive love, relationships with women are meaningful

I made this really good pasta with mussels and I invite my aunt to have dinner with me which is simple but I don't usually do that lol

The rest of this transit description was talking about problems in romantic relationships but I'm single soooo N/A

Venus opposite Mercury (Apr 18 - Apr 22)

Favorable time for communication about love and relationships

If you watch 911 you know how it's been this month lol but I've been enjoying watching people watch the show for the first time! Idk which day exactly but it had me thinking about how I used to write fics when I was younger and make fan videos of shows lol such a fun time! Then I had a convo with my bestie about her love live bc she's a late bloomer and naturally is scared of everything lmao

The mercurial side of your personality does not take emotional matters seriously

I forgot to pay attention to this lmfao but I know I was a joker this entire time! lmao I tried to cut back but everything was just toooo funny!!

Be careful what you say about friends and loved ones under this transit , someone may take it seriously

I made a separate entry about the last time this transit happened for me in 2021 so this time around I was very intentional to not talk about anybody lmao about to make myself a shirt like "My friends and I survived my Venus Opposite Mercury transit <3"

One of the most unemotional of all Venus transits

I don't know lol is laughter not an emotion? I was intrigued by this when I wrote it but maybe I would have experienced this if I didn't know it was happening? Or maybe it was something small like me laughing during the serious situation in a show bc the drama was just toooo much I had to laugh lmao

Venus trine MC (Apr 18 - Apr 22)

Good time for any kind of creative activity/getting involved in the arts

I randomly started cooking this pasta with mussels and I've never made it before and it came out so good!!

Excellent time to redecorate your home and make your personal surroundings more attractive, you are much more sensitive to the aesthetic nature of your surroundings

I did do my dishes and clean my kitchen!

Time when you feel very affectionate and have a great need to express your affection, you are pleasant to be around, others can sense how you feel about them which makes them feel good

I didn't really feel thisss? I'm usually pleasant to be around anyway lol but I did text a couple more friends during this time and we were laughing a lot

Transit makes you feel peaceful and anxious to avoid conflict

Bro this bc after my job messed up my pay last week they asked me to update my timesheet again and I was on that email and had it fixed in 2 minutes lmao just for my supervisor to be like oh she doesn't see it on her end like girl....i texted her pictures of my screen like it's there! Don't stress me out!

Venus square Neptune (Apr 21 - Apr 25)

Transit stimulates your romantic imagination making you somewhat unrealistic

As a libra with a pisces rising this was just another regular day lmao but I was more in my synchronicity bag because on 4/25 I started reading this book that I stopped reading last year on May 19 bc I left it in my friend's car for months and I was reading something else by the time I got it back buttttt the back of the page I stopped on the main character was talking about how the only place she had visited in Europe was Amsterdam and i was like ohmygod??? What are the odds that i was so close to reading that last year and it's now almost a year later and I travel to Amsterdam ON MAY 19???

Daydreaming and creativity are high

Idk if that counts but I stitched a tiktok on 4/23 and it's still getting engagement and it's at 50k+ views rn on 4/28 and like 7k+ likes lolll

Venus square Uranus (Apr 24 - Apr 28)

You seek excitement and stimulation through love relationships

single as a pringle lol

Tendency to flirt under this influence, don't make anything more out of an encounter than what it really is

I didn't go anywhere bc work had me working for real during this time and now it's the weekend and I have my period but one of my friends posted a story about how her outfit made her look like a teacher and I commented "What's 5x5? Twenty Fine!!" lmfaoo the corniest pick up line and I still think I was so funny for saying that lol

You are likely to be impulsive with money

yeah Sweetgreen has had me in a chokehold ngl lol every year I go through a phase where I get obsessed with a salad from there! $18 is absolutely wild but so so good! Just writing this makes me want to order again omg

[uniiiquehecrt]

Thor Odinson

tagged by : @beheworthy bc i would ALWAYS like 💖💖💖

Give me a fictional character and I will say:

Favorite thing about them: His big dumb hero's heart. His compassion. How much he loves his home, his people, his family, his beloved, his friends — how much he loves.

Least favorite thing about them: //stares pointedly at his inability to form meaningful connections because Thor is Not Allowed to be Not Okay (even when it's obvious and people he loves asks him to share his heart).

Three things I have in common with them:

I am, myself, an elder sibling!! And one whose younger brother was/is someone I am incredibly close to, care a great deal about — that entire drama is very close to home for me.

A passion bubble for friends and family that's, on occasion, close to the surface... but otherwise am chill 👍

and .... bunt out golden child syndrome vibes. Especially that vibe of "do it on your own and put on your leader face at all times, because all eyes are on you, good luck"

Three things I don’t have in common with them:

His ... overly reserved nature. I've been told I can be serious but I don't think I brood the way he does.

One day I will be nearly half as eloquent in my speech outside of writing 🙏

The way that Thor is able to just command a room???? Goals. Total goals. I'm either very good at directing conversations or shaky at it and I wish I had Thor's level of confidence.

Favorite line:

"i would rather be a good man than a great king."

OR ALTERNATIVELY.

"is that why everything's on fire~?"

BROTP: Brodinsons 100% . Then the entire warriors + sif squad dynamics! I'm forever sad we never got more of them all together. Then Heimdall, because Thor deserves positive mentor figures in his life. (and as far as the avengers proper go: Thor/Steve absolutely deserves more recognition they were the og duo as far as Age of Ultron is concerned and y'all , we've all been sleeping.)

OTP: Fosterson ! :D They're adorable star-crossed lovers, and he loves her very much. (and she feels the same for him !)

NOTP: if i see (1) more fan art of thorki in the thor tag i will scream. I guess also bruce/thor and valkyrie/thor exist ...??? I'm not really sure who Thor's exactly shipped with in the MCU besides Jane.

Random Headcanon: One time I considered the thought of little!Thor being exceptionally friendly with his kitchen staff servants, and because he's a strong little guy, he'd pick up giant barrels 3x his size and lug them around just because he wants to be helpful. And he'd do it with or without the prize of getting snuck goodies (though he would definitely prefer the goodies, were it up to him.)

Unpopular Opinion: I'm not sure if this counts as an unpopular opinion exactly, but I do always find it interesting that in the Frozen Vault Scene in Thor (2011), what the cinematography and editors show us that sets Thor off is seeing the dead einherjar...

And I'd actually say that this triggers his anger more than the interruption of his crowning ceremony.

So with that in mind, I'm not actually sure that (most of) his rage regarding the situation was about the coronation at all, in that case. At least, not in comparison to the fear he states (semi-subtextually) about being strong enough to maintain Asgard's borders were. ("They know you are vulnerable.")

He actually seems to only be upset about the coronation AFTER Odin makes it very clear he's decided to change his mind and rescind the crown from him entirely ... which only further fuels the point that Thor isn't ready. (aka: the one thing Thor is keenly aware of, scared of, and is scared the Frost Giants also know.) Which, you know, he's not at that point in time, but I don't see a lot of people talk about the details of that particular inciting incident all that much.

(honestly the ENTIRE text and subtext of the frozen vault scene absolutely FASCINATES ME so maybe I'll do a deep dive on it one day idk)

Song SONGS I associate with them: ... //looks at my 5-minutes-until-13 hr playlist uh...

Glowing, Boreas, and Rounds by The Oh Hellos

Plant Life, The Real World, and Bird with a Broken Wing by Owl City

No Sanctuary by UNSECRET (ft. Sam Tinnesz and Fleurie)

Afterglow and Places by Portrair

Paper and Ink (fosterson) and Everything Changes in Time (brodinsons) by Madds Buckley ... also Hoping on Another Life by Madds Buckley

Favorite picture of them:

//pulls out my entire dark world screenshots folder bc are you really going to make me choose, quirks, are you really going to make me choose

soft beautiful 🥺🥺🥺🥺 precious boy ... give me more of that poncho look tho thanks

Tagging: @darkwee009 for pinkie pie or for kirby ! :D whichever you'd like more, friend !!!

[transsexualgriffith]

3 about berk and also if youve seen any bad Dostoevsky takes, 7 +17 for bsd, 22 berk ❤️

lord I forgot to do this. luckily you haven't answered the ask I sent you either, so I think we're even.

3. screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

oh god on tumblr?? it's not that tumblr isn't still brimming with bad berserk takes, but I am fairly good at evading those, and besides if I wanted some truly terrible berserk analysis, I could simply go on reddit. I think "the ideal culmination of their arcs would be for guts and casca to become king and queen of midland" is, well, I've certainly never heard that one before, but I find it more funny than offensive, and truly bad takes are the ones that feel like the story is purposely being misread to fuel downright dehumanising ways of thinking; so you know what I'm giving this to the racist fyodor x reader blog that talked abt how fyodor would never lower himself to selling his body and then basically went "(like that whore griffith from berserk)" which I still think is one of the most maddening things I've witnessed. perhaps not a berserk specific take, but a tumblr moment if I've ever seen one. ofc if we were talking outside of tumblr I'd have much worse things to show for. you truly got anything from misogyny posting to to blaming people for their csa out there (its a beautiful world), but tbh one of my favourites is the "guts left bcs he was trying to escape griffiths clutches". dostoevsky I'm not sure I can think of anything particularly outrageous, you must understand the true opponent of dostoevskyblr isn't the bad takes its the people trying to disguise tiktok poetry as quotes

7. what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because of how the fandom acts about them?

okay to start off with I don't think there's a single character in bsd that I truly hate: asagiri is too good of a character writer for this and I think the few that I do feel some disdain towards or find myself unintrested in could still be brought closer to me if asagiri could please get back to writing shoujo-esque character driven party conflicts and novels, instead of playing powerscaling with the 5th dimension. unfortunately i think the worst fanon treatment is that of my favourite characters. would be alot easier if I hated them.

i guess chuuya could almost be counted here, because although I very much like chuuya, he used to. basically be my favourite character (??) which honestly baffles me and I cannot quite understand why, but then again, that was many years ago when bsd was in a very different state, both story and fandom wise. I really don't want to look at much of fanon chuuya content and don't find him outstandingly interesting, but I will acknowledge that it is quite fruitless to complain chuuya should get so much attention even though he's "a side character" when we have asagiri to thank for two chuuya centric light novels with the approximate page count of les miserables.

i also do not really like kōyō and find the girlboss mafioso thing very weird and off putting, but it sucks to say this because there are also alot of people who clearly judge her through the misogynistic lense.

and I think everyone should shut the fuck up about mori and talk about something else. I like mori, but I actually find it quite exhausting how even when you're amongst mori likers they can never ever turn down the morality discourse, enough! I don't care what he is he's not real can we like actually talk abt his role in the story in a meaningful way. please.

this question should've been abt ships tbh fanon sskk is going to make me blast myself into the sun.

17. there should be more of this type of fic/art

shibusawa content..............my woman!? I swear to god the bsd fandom is four times the size of what it was when I got here (and mind you bsd was never that underground) and yet the fic count has gone up by like ten. and I have likely seen dead apple more than any other living person so I know how bad of a movie it is (though i think you are truly missing out on the sheer amount of homoeroticism if you do not invest in it even a little bit) but no one can deny how visually appealing shibusawa's character design is, so it is crazy to me that people aren't more eager to draw her. I've also never forgiven tiktok for what they did to dazatsu. we used to have it all in like 2017. we were pioneers. but overall I don't feel unsatisfied with fan content for bsd, it's always been expansive.

22. your favorite part of canon that everyone else ignores

i don't know if I have a good answer for this, just because berserk is so extremely appraised that it never feels like there’s a part of canon left untalked about, but I do know that my love for the black swordsman arc far surpasses that of the average berserk fan, and though I see it discussed often enough there really isn't any fanfic or something of the sort focusing on that period in time, which is rather sad for me bcs I think guts cringfail pursuit of femto is very funny. I also just have always liked millennium falcon, and don't feel like others particularly care for the inner workings of the kushan regime, or mule, or the ganishka conflict as a whole which I think is pretty lit. the cosmology lore in those chapters is much more compelling than whatever guts has going on in mage world.

[oflgtfol]

Ive never read venom 2003 before https://oflgtfol.tumblr.com/post/751671883581325312/nvm-about-the-comments-people-are-unironically#notes and bc of this post i looked it up for the art style and. I like personally just barely tolerate it tho im somebody whose just Immune to this point to ugly art styles ive seen em all they cant hurt me anymore but my thing is like. Isnt venom 2003 a thing spoof? Like based off the thing??? Why did they get a hyper cartoony guy for this…. Like… huh… isnt it meant to be scary i heard???

ok so a few things

regarding the art style first:

venom comics are quite frankly full of ugly fucking art styles so i too am kind of immune to them. just like, any of the mid to late 90s venom solo comics were butt fucking ugly. HOWEVER. venom 2003 is a specific king of ugly that is particularly atrocious to me. just something about the noses, the lips, the jawlines, it's basically just the caricature art style??? but like, in a comic for some reason??? and i also really hate the caricature art style so much i don't understand why people A. make art in that style and B. pay others to make art of them in that style

but whatever. ugly art is very common in comics of all walks of life. it's fine. but the real kicker, and the real thing i was talking about that prompted me to make that specific post, is this fucking page:

i have such beef with this man over how he draws female characters. it is so needlessly objectifying and dehumanizing. like, the male characters get to just exist, but oh god, how dare a woman wake up from her slumber, we must must must depict her languid curves and the rotundity of her breasts !!! combine this very deliberate objectification with the stupid fucking pouty lips choice behind the art style in general, it's just so gross

and then, the icing on the cake was the comments on readcomiconline about that specific page from venom 2003:

(how dare you put the good name of sleeper symbiote to shame like this!!!!!!!!)

anyway, and moving onto The Thing spoof:

yeah so the "shiver" arc of venom 2003 (because this god forsaken comic run is separated into arcs for some fucking reason) was a riff on The Thing (1982). which, how dare you put the good name of The Thing to shame like this.

and like, i do really think that a symbiotes x thing crossover idea could work. a symbiote who goes rogue, who has no qualms with killing anyone around and doesn't care about its hosts, absolutely would basically be like The Thing and as a fan of body horror i'd love to see a take on symbiotes like that. instead of just oh big claw monster kills people, what about big goo alien assimilates you and rends you apart atom by atom !?!?!?!!? just wish it wasn't in the image of Venom Symbiote, my beloved babygirl who has never done anything wrong ever in its entire life

and yes, the body horror aspect of symbiotes x thing doesn't even hit correctly because the art style is just so atrocious. like, the body horror itself isn't grotesque because the art itself is grotesque, and not in any meaningful way. like Venom: The Hunger (1996) is also quite fucking ugly with its art style but its purposefully ugly - the muted, putrid colors with the heavy black shading are meant to be off-putting, to visually echo the frame of mind that symby, and by extension eddie, is in. because the whole story is about how symby is sick, so a putrid color palette feels sickly, and the grotesque shading makes every character look monstrous, because the sickness is warping their sense of reality and genuinely making them feel like they're surrounded by monsters. IT WORKS FOR THE STORY!!!! but venom 2003 it's just, plain bad art. it's cartoony, it's like a caricature, it does not lend itself to body horror on par with The Thing. caricature art styles are great for like, an uncanny valley feel, but that's not what venom 2003 is going for. it has the chutzpah to show rooms littered with dead bodies, but the art style is so fucking messy and chaotic that i literally cannot make sense of what i'm looking at, so therefore the horror of it doesn't hit me. there is no visual clarity or purpose and worst of all IT'S SEXIST and i hate it

[spolew]

honestly yeah. I literally do not fucking care if you do your schoolwork or not. Not my business, bc you didn’t necessarily choose to have to do that work.

I do believe that a lot of society *would* use ai in bad faith just to avoid understanding the point of schooling, but honestly, is that a bad thing? If it is, it’s a systemic issue, and not the AI’s problem. if it isn’t, it’s because school is constructed without the interests of its *purported* principles in mind anyway, and thus *it’s the same systemic issue. anyway!*

I think that you can go as deep as you can bear on any argument against LLMs, but seriously seriously consider the systemic issues underpinning these behaviors we see as wrong. Most of the time, the person you’re criticizing can’t even BE implicated for any part of the issue *until the system is improved.*

And at the end of the day, art is a system that cannot be improved. It will always be short of any vision of its true meaning, always be constrained in its definition by media and tool design, always factor out the ability and purpose and ideas of its source… none of this matters. This entire issue misunderstands the nature of art for some sacred thing; it’s not. It’s not even strictly defined. Art is humanity’s most tenuous social construct, and we have confused that ambiguity for the influence of some higher thought or power. Whether you call it “AI” or “LLM” doesn’t matter, and whether you call it a tool or an artist in itself doesn’t matter; it’s all pointless.

Everything you argue can and will be extrapolated until it is apparent that it isn’t an actual discussion, and that your argument is predicated on the same manufacture that produces all the other unfounded things in your life. It is a fundamental lack of depth, it is hyper-reality that you have failed to respect as unreal.

Art is a simplification of thought, compression of abstraction until it takes form in our space and our time.

Art is the highest purpose we can serve, and the most pointless thing of all.

It’s fucked up and really cool and really shit and really good. Ask anyone. They’ll tell you it’s true. Ask John Art and he will tell you all of these things at once, and more!

we dont have *un* John Art. He’s not In The Room with Us. There you go. We are arguing and arguing… “who will find the answer?” everyone wonders, “what should I believe?”

I don’t think this issue is of belief. Everything falls apart. Everything is totally fucking nothing. It could be just as worth it to die in 1 second as it would be to live forever. Who fucking cares. What you need to worry about, my loves, is who is stopping you?

It’s always *those* fucks. yeeees… focus on the class war ooooughhh… focus on the corporatism…. let the revolution flow through you and stuff… ooooguhhhhhmggghh………

The thing you need to “shut up and do” is not to “fix the AI problem,” it is always always always “fix yourself” followed by “fix your loves” followed by “fuck fascism!”

ugh. And knowing myself barely enough to maintain Absolute Terror regarding anything at all, it’s about…. 101% probable that none of *this* argument I’ve just spend an hour typing is meaningful either. I don’t even know what I’m talking about… how does it always end up like this?

Reality will never collimate into a definite shape. I cannot comprehend anything in faith.

Honestly, y'all, I'm begging you. Take the time to think and learn for yourself. Even if it's just something casual like knitting or cooking. Exercise your brain. It's important.

[broodsys]

a bold statement, perhaps, but...

i don't think you need to know the rules before breaking them when it comes to creative endeavors

that's the common advice: you can break the rules! but you gotta know them first. and i get the underlying sentiment. but i do think that, actually, no, you don't need to know the rules first

i can - and do! - play a bass guitar, with absolutely no concept of musical theory, ability to read music, ability to tell when smth is in tune or out of it, but y'know what? it's fun, and i enjoy it, and i enjoy the noises i make with it

i think that so often the advice around art is actually advice for how to "make it" in various artistic fields... which is good! i'm glad that advice exists! but it's not advice for art as such

you can just write! you can just draw! you can just play music! or work with clay!

like yeah sure, to write you need to be able to read and understand the language(s) you're writing in, at least to some degree (ESL ppl ily and u deserve to write and share freely as well, whether you choose to do so in your native language or english), but this common refrain of writing advice is... written...... so that base requirement is met by the very ability to read the advice

also i tend to think that framing everything as emerging from a set of "rules" - which are really, in these conversations, white western cultural norms around storytelling, communication, linguistics, and spelling and grammar - can hinder the ability of someone to grasp the important stuff

sometimes the curtains are blue because the author grew up with blue curtains. sometimes the curtains are blue because the author grew up with red curtains, or no curtains, or no home. sometimes the curtains are blue because it links back to the story somehow. sometimes the curtains are blue because the author wanted to provide a visual scene and blue was just the first color they thought of and, truly, they could've been any color.

by framing the above as rule-abiding or rule-breaking, you're applying a level of intent to it that may or may not be present. is it "rule breaking," thus potentially subversive, intentional, meaningful, deliberate? is it "rule abiding," perhaps foreshadowing or a tie-in, or maybe an emotional beat? or are the curtains really, genuinely, just blue?

and it can be fun and meaningful to engage with stuff in this analytical way! it absolutely can! but if the curtains were blue bc it's the first color the author thought of and you're sitting there wrestling with but why are they blue (<- which is fun to do!) then you might end up getting caught in minutiae. but, yeah, it is fun to wonder why they're blue and there's nothing wrong with it!

but if you finish the book and are frustrated because it didn't even matter that the curtains were blue, and why would the author include such a pointless detail, and-

in that case, i think you're getting too caught up in the formulaic approach. sometimes "breaking the rules" is not an intentional message or subversion, it's just that they didn't know the rule, didn't care about the rule, didn't think about the rule, etc

art is a dialogue between creator and audience. but art is also just... art! it doesn't have to abide by the rulebook. doesn't have to reject the rulebook. hell, it can be art while not even knowing the rulebook exists. and the audience can engage with it however they want, but yeah, idk, the "know the rules before you break them" thing has rubbed me the wrong way for many years now and it's smth i've always struggled to put into words

[gracethefoundfamilyfan]

ok ok ok i gotta rant a little bit

idk if im ace or aro or not and im cool w not knowing cuz i barely know anything about myself atm i just starting forming my own personality actively like a year and a half ago

BUT

i always assumed i would end up without a bf, out of all of my friends, bc my goals in a hypothetical relationship are to be best friends and borderline soulmates before even BREACHING the topic of romance. this is made easier by the fact that i have literally NEVER felt physical attraction towards anyone, and i'm a young adult, ok? everyone i know except for my aro friends have been in at least one relationship. not to say guys haven't tried!!! i've had two or three people ask me out, and i loved all of them-- just not in that way. my faith calls me to love all people unconditionally and deeply, to value and treasure them as a reflection of perfection and a deep, vast universe of experiences greater than i can begin to comprehend, and so, yes, i love people. my friends and i are very physically affectionate, and our conversations are deep and meaningful, and we show up for each other and care for each other and i think we love each other well. i try to extend that love to everyone i meet, no matter who they are. I love everyone, and i invite everyone to show love back! but not romance. i've never experienced that.

but lately something has felt different with this one specific guy. we've known each other for about seven years thru church. he's a year older than me, but he's so mature it feels like we live on different planets-- until this year, when we both applied to be summer interns at our church and got accepted. suddenly me and Mysterious Quiet Man are spending 30+ hours a week working side by side managing events, remodeling the children's room, leading projects, cooking meals, cleaning out closets-- and you know what? i'm so intimidated by this quiet stoic guy that I literally don't talk to him unless i have to. we work in companiable silence unless it's absolutely necessary for us to talk, because he's an introvert and idk how to do life. still, being in the same space teaches me a bit about him. He doesn't know as much as I think he does, it's just that he's so quiet I always assume he knows what's going on. He actually is capable of making mistakes-- he misspelled the name of the church on a pdf he sent for 50+ signs and had to fix it-- and he's really self-conscious about his art. we have a few artists in common when it comes to music taste. etc.

and then. AND FREAKING THEN. we go to church camp. Our one week off the whole summer, and we're both so in need of release that we turn into complete freaking idiots. AND! AND! WE ACTUALLY START TALKING!

he likes really deep, complex mystery books. he's terrified of graduating. he feels like he's leaving his life behind. he's going into trade school to be an electrician. he plays d&d. he thinks i'm an okay drummer. he loves swimming. his cousin drives him crazy but he would take a bullet for her, and if i tell her that i'm screwed. he does INCREDIBLE Renaissance fair costumes. his whole family is into music and he's grateful that he has people to teach him stuff. he's the most Band Kid in existence. he's super into coffee but hates how caffeine feels. Little people scare him. He loves hiking. He wishes he was more athletic, like his dad. he wants to write a book, but he doesn't know what yet. he's a good leader when he has to be. He hates raising his voice.

And he thinks I'm funny.

HE THINKS I'M FUNNY. In a dorky, kinda awkward way, sure, but good LORD I made him smile more than I've ever seen him smile at that camp (especially when he scared me and i did a full on backwards roll into my sister, that was fun), and I'm so freaking proud of myself for that.

still, all of this is normal for me! I love discovering new things about people! My respect and genuine appreciation for human beings grow when I begin to understand them, wow, that's how that works! That means nothing!

and then we lead the last four weeks of August Sunday school, and he helps me with my message when it feels like it's falling apart, and he gives me a little (awful) pep talk when I feel like I screwed up. He says I work better with kids than he ever could. I tell him you just have to treat them like really new adults. He crushes his next lesson.

and then we teach a bunch of kids science for a week. He helps me keep them in check, I help him not get too stressed over the details. the lady running the camp asks us to put together a crime scene for the kids to solve at the end of the week, with us as the culprits. we sign our names on secret plans, tear them up, scatter them around. we make it obvious that we leave right before the time of the crime so they'll suspect us. when he leaves, i make sure they notice, 'cause he's not quite loud enough. we scatter cookie crumbs around our chairs. we have not-so-quiet little conversations about the morality of stealing cookies with the other kids. We let the director chew us out for disappearing, and he asks if i'm ok when her Oscar-worthy performance actually scares me a little bit. the kids drag all the suspects into the hot seats. they examine our hands. a jury forms, and a police team-- i freaking love these kids, if i haven't made that clear, they're little geniuses when you actually let them use their imaginations. We get questioned. Our handwriting gets examined. So do our fingerprints. Then (my favorite part) we improv a whole story about how we're innocent, throwing shade at my sister and her stuffed sheep. Then we twist it on the director, bc she's the only one with access to the kitchen (not true btw). The kids see thru our lies, bc half of them have parents who've worked here to feed the homeless or make breakfast on Mother's Day or whatever. He yells at people. I yell at my sister. We put on a freaking awesome performance, and my energy bounces off of his-- we make a great team, and I haven't seen him this energetic ever. My sister makes a stupid joke, and he's so caught up in it that he laughs so hard he ends up on the floor. I buzz about that for the next hour.

Then, he gets incriminated. Playing my part, I pull the Among Us move and try to get him in the spotlight so I get voted innocent. They're about to take him away.

And then he grabs me by the shoulders, heaves me up, forces me in front of him, and says "IF I'M GETTING CAUGHT, SHE'S GOING DOWN WITH ME!" We get darn near tackles by a swarm of kids who are totally in-character-- one of them has even got the waterworks going, and he looks at me and says 'I trusted you, mom!'. I give my tearful apology, and then I wrench myself free (he never let go, that's kinda weird) and declare: "OKAY, FINE, YOU WANNA KNOW WHAT WE DID? DANIEL, YOU GAVE US AWAY, WHY DON'T YOU TELL THEM"

cue four minutes of what my friend called 'old married couple arguing' over whose fault it was.

and then we reveal the ice cream sandwiches we supposedly made with the cookies we supposedly stole, and all of a sudden we're forgiven.

best afternoon ever spent.

slight caveat.

forty kids now ship me and him. one of them makes a little heart with our initials on it. he sees it. i don't get to see his reaction bc my sister almost drops a whole gatorade cooler worth of lemonade and i have to run over to help her.

and then, the internship is over. we don't see each other for another month. when we do, he's an adult staffer, and i'm still just an assistant. but he sticks around the youth stuff, since we don't have anyone who can play the lower bells on the youth handbell choir. i get a new little Padawan to teach in the ancient technique of making metal things go clang. I'm also lined up in the perfect way that I can see his eyes light up every single time we get a complicated polyrhythm right or finally manage to hit a key change without sounding like a horror film just started. i also get to see him bounce when our director tells him he can chaperone on our trip to the bell fest if he wants.

bell fest gets cancelled. the director gets us permission to use the church and host our own. guy in question is the first one to get there and the last one to leave, and i'm second. old internship habits die hard. or maybe we just care too much.

"It's not quite the same," he says when I ask, "but it's still really nice."

i think he thinks it's about the people, just like I do.

That's also when I notice we both have a little brown freckle in our eyes. His are ice blue, though, and they've got little patterns in them. I was only looking to make sure he was telling the truth.

we host a local mission trip, and i get to see him chase the goof of the group around trying to get his weedwhacker back. two nights later, I'm trying to get said goof off my drum set ten minutes before a performance so we can do our final soundcheck and Guy stares him right off the stage, and then gets all of us waters and me a pad so my stupid kick will stop sliding around. I hadn't even thought to ask.

now it's two months later, and our church is fracturing. we've gone a year and a few months without a pastor, and people are getting tired of it. Everyone's doing a little more than they can handle trying to fill the wake our old (retired) pastor left behind. there's spiritual warfare. the guy the pastor search committee brought in tried to convince us half of our Bible was fake. people are getting hit right in their weak spots, and people are scared, and everyone's getting hurt and tired and there's talk of giving up.

we hold a conference to air out our feelings. anything can be said. on mic. and it won't be held against us. we need to get messy, get empty, hug it out, and start fresh with all this petty crap behind us. we listen to person after person air out their fears, frustrations, angers, hurts, etc, and towards the end I get up and take the mic.

"I wasn't gonna say anything." I say. "I don't even technically belong here, because I'm not a member. I have no business telling anyone anything. But I think I have to say this. I know life sucks, and everything about our situation sucks, but you know what? I'm so proud of all of you. Most of the churches I know would've fallen apart by now. I've seen it happen. What you have here, this commitment, this vulnerability-- it's special. It's real. It's what God commands us to strive for, and it's something the world desperately needs more of. So please, don't stop. I know it sucks. But for the love of God, please keep fighting for each other, because none of us can afford to lose another family."

i sit down. my sister wouldn't come. she said it's not worth it. she thinks people hate her. she still (as of me writing this) won't tell me why.

after it's over, we sing. we sing of God's unending grace and mercy and we sing of trust and new beginnings and we pray for strength and unity and love that not even human hearts can create. and in the shadows of the dimly lit chapel, i think i see it. people of all ages and races, mostly in pajamas, a few unlucky ones still in their work clothes, hugging and talking and praying over one another when hours ago there had been coldness and anger. i walk over to his cousin, who spoke after me and begged the people to fight for us, so that we could have a place like this to go to when we have nowhere else to go. i think they listened to her. she really can't lose more family. I hug her. She's crying. I hug her aunt. She's crying too. Guy comes up. He thanks me for saying what I said. "I was disappointed, before," he says, "but now I can see what you mean. I wish I'd gone up too. You're right. We need to fight for this."

"What would you have said?" I ask. "If you'd gone up."

He says he had ideas, perfect speeches that would open eyes and turn hearts. He says that's not the way the world works, though, and he didn't feel like he had anything to add.

"I think it would've been great." I say. "Even if it's not perfect, it's still worth saying."

then the director comes over. He's gotten the short end of the Responsibility stick, and apparently what me and Cousin said got to him, because he hugs both of us and thanks us for telling him that the community he's given his life to is actually helping people. then he hugs Guy, too, and Guy hugs him back tight and scrunches his eyes closed, like he's holding on just in case he doesn't get another chance. and here he said he wasn't a hugger.

then we all go get dinner, and i see him laughing with his mom. there's a softness to him, and a light in his eyes that i rarely get to see. i'm almost jealous, that that wonderful side of him only really comes out with her.

it's been a couple weeks, and i still can't get that image of him out of my head. it's weird. part of me thinks i'm really into cracking people and getting to see who they are on the inside and why they do what they do and who they are, and I totally am, but usually that goes away after a couple weeks. it's been six months. maybe it's just because there's still so much i don't know about him? maybe because he's a music guy and i'm a music girl and i desperately need more friends who share that part of themselves with me? maybe it's because we've known each other for seven years but i'm about to leave for college and i'm desperate not to waste any more time? Maybe our souls just click.

point is, i have no freaking idea what romance is supposed to feel like and i love everyone a little too easily and i don't have physical attraction sensors so i can't tell if i'm really into him as a person or as a potential partner but it doesn't freaking matter because i'm leaving in like seven months anyways and i'm going to be hours away and I am not getting into a relationship right now. period.

BUT IM STILL UP AT TWO AM TRYING TO FIGURE THIS OUT SO SEND HELP

[mhutwo]

Is it fucked that I never changed my phone screen from this? I’m really conflicted about it honestly, I… can’t bring myself to change it. I hope this doesn’t come off wrong, it was genuinely the most thoughtful and caring thing anyone’s done for me. Whenever I’ve come close to almost changing it, I have to remember how fucking stoked I was when you were asking me to pick out some good pictures of Simba and Mewtwo. It makes me feel so sad, so goddamn stupid for fucking up being your friend. I have wanted to apologize to you for so long and I’ve thought about doing that so often that it kind of scares me and so I don’t. I’ve not been able to figure out a way to do that without making it seem like I’m just trying to pull the same bullshit again because I’ve not been able to figure out how to not want it to still happen. I want to tell you how much I changed last year, how I got clean from weed and realized how it was stopping me from maturing emotionally bc I was using it to escape from any negative feelings instead of listening to my senses and taking my hand off the stove, changing. I have still smoked occasionally but it doesn’t feel good anymore. I reconciled with my friends, I stopped shoplifting, I got a job as an engineer, and I’ve dedicated the rest of my time to taking care of my parents as they’re getting older. My brother got a job at SpaceX and had to move so I’ve got the house to myself and all the responsibilities to go with it. I haven’t self-harmed in over a year now. I prayed to God, la Virgen, y los Santos for forgiveness and help. I have it so easy now, so why do I fucking miss being a God-damned freak so much? Why was the only reason I was able to motivate myself to do any on these things because I had to convince myself they would lead me back to being in your life? When I asked for something from God why was it always your well-being I was praying for deep down, hidden away in plain sight like a kid hiding something they broke from their parents? I’ve never been able to bring myself to even ask Him for you to be in my life because I don’t want to try to go against free will. But I do ask for the feeling that I believe I could only ever have learned to experience from you back. I don’t know if it was just all the drugs (probably most likely was), but you seemed so supernal to me- not like you came from Heaven or Hell, but like you were somehow worldbuilding something new entirely from yourself. When I wouldnt hold myself back and just thought of you then, regular moments became a dream that was realer than anything else, than anything I feel now. I know this sounds fucking cringe but you became ethereal to me, the music you posted and when you would write, or create art or even just hang out. I wanted to be a meaningful part of it so bad I was obsessed with it all and looked up to how you lived your life and wanted to learn to live like you so much that I knew I had to step away. I could care less about how unhealthy it was for me but I couldn’t stand thinking how having a creep like me in your life would feel for you. I know this is some like Ryan Gosling Blade Runner 2049 in love with a hologram ‘he just like me fr’ type of shit and I- I know what you meant now when you said I put you on a pedestal.But I wonder if you ever realized how true that really was. And I was angry when you said that, because I wasn’t putting you on a pedestal. It was a constellation of you in the stars I wanted, and I felt like it was what you deserved. I’m sorry for all of it, and I’m sorry for making this too.