#bc this shit is so depressing its affecting my mental health

[bellaskelle]

brb on my way to fight pierce brown

[caffstrink]

do you have any tips on how to live off as artist professionally?

First of all art isn't always a viable option depending where you live. The only reason ive been able to live off art is because the american dollar is worth 5x more than the brazilian real so even if i didn't get many comms i could still get by with the few i had. and if that wasn't the case I'd pretty much be eating breadcrumbs off the floor like a pigeon.

1. Whore yourself out and draw fanart of every popular or trending thing to gather attention to youe art

2. Learn your platforms: learn how each websites algorithm works, learn what are the best hours to post, etc

3. I cannot stress enough how important it is to find your niche

4. Everyone is fake no one wants to be your friend, other popular artists will start following you the moment your following becomes good enough. They'll start to interact with you too and want to become mutuals in order to share followings/traction. If you can play into that you can get them to share your stuff as well, but honestly don't fall for it bc most of them shittalk other artists on their privs or personal servers and the stress isnt worth it

5. Draw nsfw if possible/if you're comfortable with. People who commission porn pay well and they often have very few options when commissioning stuff bc most artists don't accept porn commissions.

6. Accept being an artist is a hard job that doesn't pay really well. If you're freelancing on comms life's always going to be a tightrope, so i suggest trying to do professional work once in a while so you can at least have the security of a salary. Draw backgrounds, gestures, scenes, studies, and the likes, bc those are what companies will want in your portfolio

7. Depending where you live it's extremely hard to live off as an artist, and being an artist is often means a very difficult struggle with finances. It's a job that requires passion, and more often than not turning art in a job causes creative burnout and complete loss of spark for it. Ask yourself: why do you want to be a professional artist? Isn't it better to keep it as a hobby? Maybe a side gig if you need money? You can still pursue art even if you don't do it to earn money, and it doesn't make you any less of an artist. It's a difficult job, and you need to understand its not going to be viable at all times and sometimes you'll have to throw in the towel and do something else to survive and there's 0 shame in that.

8. Be professional and courteous with your clients. Don't be a doormat, but don't go around ghosting people or being passive aggressive or taking them for granted and never deliver any product. Doing art for money is a JOB. Treat it like such. Inform your clients about delays, or any issues that may come up.

9. Take care of yourself and by that i mean eat decent food, exercise your arms, get 8 hours of sleep and get some sun (or take vitamin D periodically if youre a basement dweller). This isn't some self care uwu shit, it's actual science that your body is a machine and not providing what it needs to function leads to issues, and some of those issues include affecting your mental health, and mental health issues include and are not limited to: anxiety, depression, burnout, loneliness, feeling like your art sucks, feeling unmotivated, feeling like you're a failure, etc. Same with physical: for the love of GOD you DON'T want wrist issues. You dont want carpal or ulnar nerve entrapment. Don't draw 24/7. Don't push yourself either. If youre feeling shitty its time to STOP. Just picture a shitty graphics card trying to run minecraft with 5 shaders and 10 mods at once on fullscreen with 60 fps. Thats you. Youre the graphics card

10. Don't be a bitch, don't get involved with drama. Can't be an internet artist if you get cancelled so don't try to start shit at any point in time. Don't be a shit person.

And from the top of my head thats it, hope you like eating plain bread 🍞

[vogelmeister]

actually having a massive dilemma bc of eurovision this year and its both ethical and personal. basically last year i went "ava you need a hobby" and i was like "goud is my hobby" and then i was like "something else ava" and so as my new years resolution was to get back involved in my drama society at uni. i miss performing so much. they had auditions for their first spot but i literally couldnt audition as there was no role for me and also i was in my hometown that weekend of auditions and had a concert the other night.

anyways they announced auditions for the open spot (which realistically funnily enough is where i'd pitch goud if i were to pitch goud but sometimes i feel i'll never be confident enough in myself to do that bc it is a very personal work to me at its core. also i'd need a co-director and i almost dont trust someone else with directing these characters) and i flipped through the thingy and what do you know? i can make auditions and there is a role for me. unfortunately i looked at the show dates and it happens to be a certain week in may.

with talk on the town of boycotting eurovision because of israel (which i do not support israel being there i always found it odd bc they arent europe and thats big words coming from an australian) and the ebu flipping around until the song deadline on whether or not to ban them, i have found myself less enthusiastic about this year compared to others. i was talking to someone about how israel (or the not finnish blue and white flagged place) basically is the elephant in the room hindering this, but even so, i only have a handful of entries i really put on repeat (netherlands, croatia, finland) from this year. so the whole situation is affecting my excitement for the event, and you'd think this would make it easier but its not. bc it still is my favourite event of the year and while i can participate in everything to do with the season, to do this and then not watch the finale is a waste to me. so now im at a dilemma with what to even do bc i'd love to be on stage again but it comes at a cost, and i'd love to watch eurovision but it also comes at the cost of a certain not finnish blue and white place being there.

so like, i made a list but this is somehow worse. bc like, i feel like i dont win either way.

watching it

i won't feel depressed bc eurovision is important to me and boycotting it will probs mean sacrificing a huge part of my mental health

i already have watching plans with someone

people in my life know me as the eurovision girl and will ask me about it / i hate being vocal like this (i think its bc people wont take me seriously and i struggle to articulate thoughts regardless especially in situations like that)

joost klein / i already know half the songs anyways

i will feel shit because of israel being there (i have already boycotted KAN and the entrant and their song regardless of what happens)

boycott

i'll probably still feel depressed bc its my favourite event of the year

if i dont watch it i can audition for the play and performing makes me happy just as much as eurovision/ i havent performed since pre amsterdam

can always watch later, however not the same and may get spoiled

anyways

thanks.

[skz4thgenleaders14]

I'm 14 and my family treats me like sht. am I overreacting?

TW!!! mentions of $h, su!c!de and mental health.

Okay so im 13 turning 14 in 20 days so basically 14. Me and my family have had issues in the past but it seems like they make fun of me for a hobby. First of all, im extremely interested in kpop especially the popular groups such as skz, bts, txt and my family constantly makes fun of me and calls me an asian lover which makes me super uncomfortable because im trying to just enjoy the music and support the idols and they call me severely nasty names on a daily basis that i will not being saying here. Since i was 12 turning 13 so back in 2022 i struggled with self harm, ed and looking after myself. My siblings would call me an emo lesbian that cuts and they also made comments like "shut up you'll kill yourself before you even make it to year 10" (im in year 8 as of right now). it hurts because they know what im going through and one of my siblings who says it even has experienced the same thing but thats no excuse to call me horrendous names. My parents are as equally bad they tell me im attention seeking and i just needa snap out of it. I attemped to end my life twice and haven't opened up to anybody about it because whenever i would ask to have a chat they would say "dont start this shit again" or "here we go again" and simply brush it off. The thing that affected me the most was when i start to have good days and feel comfortable about my body and scars my parents would point out my self harm and when I would politely tell them to stop they would say "well thats your fault for doing it where people can see maybe next time you should do it where we cant see" and I'd get called a cow, bitch, brat etc. This also overlaps on my drama at school. Im in the process of moving schools but its not definent. at my current school my friend tries to compete w me w mental health, she even admits she tries to act 'depressed' and 'emo'. she brushes off my feelings and acts as if shes the 'left out' main character yet i follow her everywhere,hangout with her, defend her, help her out yet its not enough for her. one day i decided to hang w one of my friends in class bc ive had enough of doing stuff for her without appreciation and she got mad and avoided me and started victim playing so i attempted to run away at snack break but when the attendence got taken the email went thru to my parents and they called me telling me to get back in class. everyone at school hates me because my bully moved schools after bullying me in year 6 and said some nasty shit about me. i also struggle from an ed and i have severe body dysmorphia but my parents tell me to 'just eat' or to 'just stop eating' depending if its a binge day or the opposite. my so called friend makes me ucomfortable and thinks mental health is enjoyable aswell as self diagnosing herself. i want to run away from everything but im lost and i dont know what to do. am i overreacting or is my family and friends actual assholes??

[johannwolfgangvongoethe]

reading yaoi for the plot

recently i seemingly entirely stopped my life for a week to read the visual novel Slow Damage.

i dont really play vn’s (reading in front of my pc is HARD) nor do i read that much boys love (i am a bit of a gayboy by nature, so im not opposed to it) so what drove me to absolutely devour this one.....i honestly dont know. i would never have bought it for myself but my bestie gave it to me. so here we are.

slow damage is a game that you Could play. maybe should and maybe shouldnt. its sad and since it deals with self harm, suicidal thoughts, violence, sexual violence and rape, child abuse and just about every other bad thing you can imagine.......... man that shit can be depressing as hell. and since its a eroge, they are out there sexualizing shit they really SHOULDNT.

AND I HATE IT!!!!!!!!!!! all those “fiction doesnt affect reality” talk some people do is bs in my opinion. yes, you probably wouldnt hurt people irl bc youre reading this rape scene. but YES, bad porn will still condition your brain negatively in the long run.

anyhow. slow damage is pretty damn self-aware. dont get me wrong man, i love the game so much. and yet, and yet.

its so deeply important to me how the game really pictures.... unconditional love between friends and multiple different endgames that finish the story Well for the protag. he can attain salvation and peace. whether it means never touching the wounds of his past or confronting it headfirst. either way he can go through the worst of the worst and end up better. or worse. its all so fickle but thats the good part right. mental health is very sensitive and as a chronically sick person, he is so so vulnerable. (not madarame. fuck everything to do with him. i think theres a storytelling and character study merit to his ends as well but this paragraph wasnt about them)

ive been thinking about talking about it but theres probably people who have. better more informed takes than i do. here are my 2 cents anyway

id love to talk about the ludonarrative dissonance that is a yaoi game with rape scenes taking a stance against rape

im also really intrigued by the setting; a very desensitized city with desensitized people, which we are supposed to see as sad, yet a lot of scenes are there for shock value

CAN WE TALK ABOUT GENDER. WHY IS SLOW DAMAGE SO FILLED WITH GENDER. ITS EVEN GOOD WITH GENDER. I LOVE THE AMOUNT OF GENDER IDENTITY TALK!!!!! WE LOVE TO SEE CIS PEOPLE TALK ABOUT GENDER. WE LOVE NORMALIZED DYSPHORIA TALK. BUT ALSO I LOVE HOW SENSITIVE THE TRANSLATION WAS ABOUT ITS TRANSFEM/GNC CHARACTERS

the fact that the game has an Entire big arc about gaslighting and an abusive relationship, that makes the protag really really internalize selfhate and doubt and makes that mindset smth that he wears like a protective “its just us two against the world” shield. its so sad yet so close to life

the protag, though horribly abused and traumatized, has the advantage of having a very functional very very loving support system in the form of his two best friends, one of which happens to be a doctor. can you imagine how much worse this could be. im constantly aware of it

thinking a lot about how much class plays a role in the last route and towa and fujieda only start to get along once their perceived differences are lifted, in fact them being “the same” is of fundamental importance - but also undermines how unbridgable their differences would have been otherwise

deeply in love with the fact fujieda, as someone who studied law and has been dealing with courts professionally, is this huge vigilante. bc he doesnt trust justice to happen unless he does it himself. and towa is important to him, but ultimately his own goals are just a bit more important than towas comfort. i love when characters have spines <3

on a related note, i also love when characters dont have spines. taku is literally my fav. the fact hes a human sanctuary contrasts so beautifully with him withholding vital info, constantly telling white lies, being conflicted about Everything, but eventually going to jail bc he thinks he Deserves it

how and why is eiji a metal gear solid character stuck in a pokemon characters body

[thatnarcissisticfeel]

hi! so i don’t rlly know how to even phrase this but lately i’ve had a lot of stuff getting worse, none of the “basic” diagnoses i have (like depression and anxiety and stuff) describes it at all. so i’ve started questioning if i maybe have a personality disorder bc it’d all make sense, both the behaviors and how i see the world and why its only getting worse and more noticeable now etc.

i keep finding myself in cluster B PD traits and lately ive been reading more on NPD and i genuinely completely see myself in the description of the covert subtype. i always blame others for everything and am completely unable of accepting or feeling guilt. nothing is ever my fault, its always someone else doing something or provoking me or it’s the way i was raised or it’s because of the system etc. i’m deeply insecure but hate showing any kind of vulnerability. when i’m in a vulnerable position i get ashamed and angry bc i cant stand feeling weak. i often get so angry i do shit that could easily destroy all the relationships i have. i never apologize (unless it’s a situation where i have to in order to save the relationship but still never actually feel sorry) bc that’s showing vulnerability and admitting i’m wrong. i always compare myself with others, i used to think this doesnt apply to me bc i generally don’t care about typical things such as popularity and status as i’ve always been an outcast - and it’s kind of a major part of my identity that i feel different than everyone else (even though its most likely just how i was forced to learn to cope with being excluded), but i’ve come to realize i absolutely do always see myself as “the worst one” in terms of mental health. i can’t stand others talking about their issues bc no you don’t even have it that bad at all, i’m worse. i feel like no one will ever be able to truly understand me bc the majority of people are npcs anyway. no one thinks for themselves, they dont have any self awareness and just do what they’re told. i treat others like shit but still expect them to be nice to me because i deserve it because i’m sick. i deserve more attention from doctors because of how unwell i feel. i should be the one that gets treated first. i obviously never voice these feelings but it makes me so pissed off when i have to wait like i’m never important enough for anyone. like there was this one case when i had to wait longer for my appointment bc some girl came in due to an emergency and all i felt was angry and annoyed and like when is it my turn to get taken seriously?? i completely lack affective empathy and very rarely genuinely care about others. others being sad annoys me and others being happy makes me angry, sometimes even to the point of having homicidal thoughts. i’m envious of pretty much everyone who i consider better off than me. and again i dont mean shit like money or clothes but more like just the ability to be normal, having close friends, being in a relationship, all that stuff i know i’ll never be able to have bc of my mental illnesses. i’ve never been able to form genuine relationships, i do have a few friends but they all mean nothing to me and are just there so i’m not lonely. i’ve never been able to feel love or affection for anyone. and when i think abt it i dont even really want to be like them, i just want to make them suffer. i lie to everyone and only reveal my “true” self when im having a breakdown and basically cant control myself anymore as i have so much suppressed anger inside i sometimes feel like i have to genuinely put effort into stopping myself from physically attacking others; who cares abt words when im that far gone. and even then i later turn it around and make it seem like im just depressed and stuff (which is true, but theres also so much more no one knows about). everyone around me considers me a shy meek polite nice caring person and it just feels so ironic.

idk what to do at this point, genuinely. writing it all down like this makes me sound so fucked up even though i act relatively normal when i’m stable enough. but in reality i feel like on the inside i’m just breaking, i’ve had to turn to drug abuse as its literally the only thing that helps me cope with everything & prevent me from being even more destructive (towards both others and myself) and its making me even more short tempered when im sober and even more paranoid someone’s going to find out and get me in trouble. my therapist knows about it but doesnt do shit. ive been on so many psych meds before but its as if literally nothing ever works on me. like i would never normally seek advice on tumblr out of all places but i thought just maybe i would get understood here as i keep getting just either ignored or insulted on places like reddit (sure jan calling me a psycho is definitely going to help my issues when all i did was fucking ask how to cope with my issues).

sorry abt the wall of text. do you have any advice? ive been going to therapy for years but its all useless. i cant be honest with anyone for pretty obvious reasons. i just really dont feel like living for much longer. but even just acknowledging this ask and not judging me would mean a lot.

I obviously can’t diagnose you, but I will say a LOT of what you said is behaviors that and I other NPDs do, which makes me think that even if you don’t have it, advice and such that is geared towards pwNPD could help you. Unfortunately there isn’t much self-help geared towards pwNPD (I say self-help bc clearly your therapist is not a good therapist for you and I know it would probably be difficult to get a new one), but DBT workbooks are a good place to start. I think they’re technically geared more towards BPD, but they can definitely still help narcissists. Stuff like this is why I hate how much NPD is stigmatized, because we all DO deserve help and we all DON’T deserve to feel like this.

It sounds pretty basic, but are you a part of anything like online NPD/cluster B support groups, ie discord servers? Obviously they’re not a cure-all, but even just being around people who have the same thing and who you don’t have to mask around can help. If you don’t have any I could happily provide some if I can find a public one. Of course, communities like that can be a hit or miss, but it’s definitely at least worth a shot to try to find a group of people who are struggling with the same thing.

Another piece of advice, which might sound completely neurotypical on the surface, is to start journaling or writing down feelings. It might seem like just a small thing but having a place that only you can access where you can talk about things like vulnerability could be a good starting point, because at least you’re admitting it to yourself and getting it out there in some way. Lying to everyone and not being able to show your true self is really exhausting, so having one space that’s yours and yours only where you can learn to be comfortable with being vulnerable — even if it’s just to yourself — is a tiny thing that can work wonders. It doesn’t have to be some super dramatic “dear diary, woe is me” type thing, it can be something as simple as “Today I fucked up, and I know I fucked up, but I still blame xyz, I hate xyz.” That way you’re getting the vulnerable thoughts AND the angry thoughts out there without 1.) hurting others with the angry thoughts or 2.) having to show vulnerabity which would hurt you.

Of course the end goal might be to “unlearn” the behaviors, so to speak, but that can’t be done overnight, and until it is done, it’s better to have a few places to be open, even if it’s just amongst yourself or other pwNPD.

I hope this helped, lmk if you need more advice — and definitely know that you’re not alone, as cheesy as it sounds.

[elytrafemme]

actually im going 2 rephrase. im not against self diagnosis & im happy if my experiences can help other ppl figure things out & im sure im a hypocrite bc even my BPD thing is like... well u werent given a questionnaire and diagnosed professionally so none of the other stuff that went into this realization both on my and my therapists end matters. so its like im sure ppl think that im faking this too and by God i am scared that IM faking this lol. 

but what i just get. upset by ig is like... i think bc im in the same shoes but like. sometimes u read info abt mental health disorders & the info is online and meant 2 distill the experience down to be easily understood and ppl are like ok! This Applies To Me bc ultimately every disorder at its basis relates to some kind of human experience it just gets amplified thats all the controversy with the dsm5 etc etc

and i know bc i did that! when i was trying to figure out what was wrong w me (and repressing any part of me that thought it was BPD) i looked into disorders and went Oh Shit Thats Me bc i wasnt looking at testimonials or actual diagnostic info or studies yet i was like. well this summarized version (still from a reputable source or primary source. thats important these arent like random ass websites right) makes sense to Me. i did this with bipolar because i knew i had depressive episodes and i kenw i had periodic hypomanic (which i think at this point is below hypomanic but still some sort of psychological manic response, its complicated i can explain if anyone cares etc) so i was like this is probably it! but when i actually figured out ok how does bipolar affect ppls lives how does it manifest across a WIDE sample i was like oh, no. this doesn’t really make sense at all. 

and when u further deconstruct disorders as like... theres so much overlap and sometimes the traits that could be explained by X disorder are better explained by Y disorder bc to an extent these labels are ‘arbitrary’ (not the right word but u get it), you realize like ok. what im worried about IS valid but these arent the explanations. 

this is all to say that i get it and im not upset at ppl for being in different stages of realizing that. 

i think what upsets me is when i try to articulate 2 people like. here’s my experience w/ this right and its like, already so so hard to articulate bc  how do i capture this in a way that doesnt raise alarm but is inherently alarming but without that element of risk it just sounds too abstract? it sounds very much non maladaptive when i try to take out the parts that are really really bad so even trying to explain why i act the way i act is extremely vulnerable. and then bc i cant explain it ppl are like “oh omg i do that too” or they do the far less favored “girl that’s normal” which ppl, actually do say to me.

and i dont like this idea of ‘trauma olympics’ or comparison or whatever but i do think to an extent its important to emphasize that like... a lot of symptoms are really intense versions of what a person may everyday experience heres a BPD related example right. everyone has had times where they are irrationally hating a close friend of theirs. ESPEC if that relationship is already complicated . so whenever i talk about splitting ppl are like no no thats normal or Oh yeah i get it.

but splitting isnt “i have a complex dynamic w a person i have heavy emotional investment with therefore sometimes i really hate them” and splitting isnt “me and my friend have this underlying tension and now i kind of want them dead”. splitting for me is like... i would throw away my entire future for someone bc there is no no way that anything they want could be morally wrong. and then in the next moment i am CONVINCED i have to kill them because they are immoral and deserve to be hunted down because they are manipulative and vile and abusive. and its the same person and this could be an ENTIRE fucking stranger, ive done this with ppl ive known for like. a total of an hour. 

so its not like im trying to tell people like no you dont have BPD no you dont split etc. but its hard to say like. you dont get it. bc that makes people want to duouble down right!

but sometimes ppl dont get it. and it sucks bc i feel like im at a place where i HAVE to explain whats going on with me (tho ive resisted telling some ppl thank God) but whenever i do i regret it bc they very clearly do not get it and they’re trying but they like. make jokes about me being “actually a horrible person” or talk about how i need medication and its like. if you listened you would remember why i cant do that but at this point i dont think u listened i think the words went to your ears and you forgot what they all meant at all. 

[noxiatoxia]

hi its me the dead anon and i would like to share that maybe 2 nights ago i was up rlly late. and i was figuring out what i was going to write back to ur last response to my other ask when i got really tired

in my strange sleep deprived state i was hit with 'inspiration' and opened google docs. within a matter of a couple hours, from 1-2 am, i wrote a pages long fic where kaoru kills himself and hikaru was so upset and made myself cry so hard i passed out.

when i woke up i looked at it and it really wasn't that good?? but at the same time it was and it made me cry again so. theres that. if you were wondering what ive been doing instead of responding

anyway very sorry about dying. ive really wanted to send u asks but ive been stressed out so im not great at coming up with hcs. very uninspired (besides my weird kaoru suicide fic but. yk)

maybe this says something about my current mental state. maybe not. idk

NOOOOOOOOO HAHSJSOKDFJ I SHOULDNT LAUGH BUT THE IDEA YOU WOKE UP FROM A HALF AWAKE DAZE AND WERE LIKE "FUCK I GOTTA WRITE KAORU KILLING HIMSELF" CRIED, THEN PASSED OUT IS SUCH A FUNNY MENTAL IMAGE.

But like I GET IT!!! same shit happens to me. I'm about to sleep but inspo STRIKES and I HAVE to get it on paper. It actually happened last night... Idk if I'll turn the idea into a full fic I'll post but it was a comedic concept nonetheless

The idea of one of the twins dying always kills me bc it's like... SO fucking sad.... the heartbreak is too much for me... i like happy endings... But like, I get it. Sometimes you just gotta write super depressing stuff. I have before.

The idea tho of one of the twins having a nightmare abt the other dying... Oughh. Like some super vivid nighmare that has one of them bolting up in bed panting on the verge of tears, immediately seeking the other twin and hurriedly waking them up to make sure they're still alive.

Like for example, maybe Hikaru waking up a month after Kaoru had his really bad depressive episode that scared the shit out of him. In his nightmare though...things don't have such a happy ending. And Kaoru does what he worried so much about every night in that dream, and he loses his little brother, and it feels so real.

Hikaru wakes up with a really startled jolt and is on the verge of a panic attack. His first immediate course of action is to turn around and nearly shake Kaoru off the bed, panickedly saying his name.

Kaoru of course wakes up sleepy and confused, barely awake as Hikaru begins to squeeze the air out of him with a bear hug. He's mumbling some things Kaoru can't piece together in his tired state, but Kaoru can tell he's really upset...so he just holds Hikaru and sleepily mumbles some reassuring things to him, and it does make Hikaru feel better, just to hear him alive and well...

Also since I'm a sucker for close physical affection between the twins I like to think Hikaru sometimes kisses Kaoru on the cheek. He did it more when they were younger, but he still does it I think under special occasions. I think this would be one of them... He was just so broken up in his dream and it scared him so so badly, so as Kaoru is stroking his hair lazily and sleepily murmuring reassurances to him, Hikaru sniffling as he's trying NOT to burst into tears, he kisses Kaoru on the cheek. Kaoru makes a small confused noise because he isn't expecting it, but he gives Hikaru a kiss back. He basically ends up passing out after that bc he's barely awake as is but Hikaru stays up long after that, holding Kaoru and just listening to his steady, deep breaths and resting heartbeat. Just taking in the fact his brother is still here and alive.

He eventually falls asleep once dawn begins to filter through the curtains.

Also it's okay for not sending asks!!! Life is tough and busy. Your health & happiness is far more important!!! I really love your hikakao and ouran asks in general they are my day's highlight. But I'm here if you just want to send general asks about whatever :) DMs are always open too!

[juni-ravenhall]

i rly wish docs could figure out why i have zero energy all the time bc its extremely frustrating not being able to work on anything i want to do. and ppl, being assholes, constantly make shit up like “youre not focusing” or “youre lazy” or stuff like this when reality is just “doing basic daily body maintenance like eating and going to the bathroom literally uses up all my spoons [energy] on most days”. 

i think its prob a combination of all the mental fuckedupness (constant stress due to c-ptsd - also a constant body stress not only in mind; anxiety and depression and stuff adding more stress; etc), plus back and neck problems (ive only realised recently how much that affects your entire health?), plus ibs (constant stomach problems that make me feel like shit all the time), and so on (theres more) like.... its just a lot going on in this body all the time and im exhausted every day

[beendressingforrevenge]

.

[basi1isks]

sad to report that i am not having an enjoyable penis friday.

[elfgremlin]

bro im so :skull:

[none-gender-left-man]

It took me a lot of sitting back to figure out where I stand on this, I had to confront my own reactivity and almost fell off the wagon a bit, but after really thinking on it and confronting my own negative biases I need y'all who are throwing fits about "able bodied" ND ppl using cripple to take into consideration that ND conditions aren't somehow removed from the body. The brain is a material organ not some nebulous metaphysical entity.

I am clinically physically disabled, but even if I wasn't in the ways I am, would I not have the right to call myself a cripple when I dissociate and lose control of my body for hours or even days? That doesn't "count"? Why? Because it's isolated to the brain in origin? Even though it clearly has a material affect on the physiological body? Even though it unequivocally devastates the way I am able to interact with the world? I never heard anyone say neurological disorders "don't count bc it's from your brain". That's bc they have physiological impact, right? Why is it different when it's mental?

What about the fact that even things as common as anxiety and depression DO have long term physical effects on cardiac health among droves of other things? The long term effects of anxiety that can cause hypertension independent of any other condition? Why are y'all so obsessed w this strawman idea of "the able-bodied ppl with anxiety want to steal our slurs!!!!" Why do you presume to know the qualia of their life and MindBody experience better than they do? How do you KNOW they're "able bodied"?

Why do you presume anxiety and depression (or any mental disability) has no physiological toll?

What about people with mental disabilities that prevent them from speaking not due to any neurological or physiological reason? Where is the line between the body and mind in their dysfunction? Can anyone at all clarify or quantify this??? No. You can't. Their MENTAL disability prevents them from a PHYSICAL action, independent of a clinical physiological disability, yet they are STILL physically experiencing disability.

What about eating disorders that are inherently tied to both body and mind that WILL end in fatality if untreated?

You're building strawmen again, y'all.

Other disabled people aren't your enemy and mad pride has its place, you're right about that- but mad pride does not cover everything that a mental disability causes PHYSICALLY for every subject. Mad pride works to convey a pride in your lack of "sanity", but it conveys nothing related to how that affects the body. For those whose mental disability is intrinsic to their physical health it is not even remotely fair to gatekeep this word. To tell them their health symptoms aren't "enough". This is no better than the debate that tried to claim that chronic health and autoimmune disability should be 100% separate from other disabled people in the movement. This is no better than the people who tell me I can't claim cripple because I'm not a 24/7 wheelchair user. This is useless semantics.

Compartmentalizing the movement into multiple neatly categorized folders, further pathologizing and dividing ourselves, weaponizing trauma against one another, and acting out lateral violence does nothing. We work better as a god damn unit.

To ignore that mental disability can and usually does cause physically disabling effects without the presence of a "physical disability" is sanism and ableism. It's yet another way to gaslight ND ppl into a corner and frame them as attention seeking hypochondriacs. Congrats for joining the war on ableism on the side of ableism.

It's disappointing to see some people who's takes on transandrophobia I respect completely slipping.

How can you recognize in the context of another form of oppression that policing the use of language in theory like this is useless distracting semantics- but then turn around and pull the same shit w disability activism?

I am psychotic. I am a dissociative system. I am autistic. I have hEDS, NCAH, dysautonomia, and more. I belong to both of these communities and I don't want to see us tear each other apart for fuck's sake.

Learn to address when you're being reactionary!!!! I get where y'all came from with this but it doesn't mean it's right just because I understand it and almost fell into your logic myself at first. Y'all need to do what I did, identify your reactionary impulses, and SQUASH THEM.

We thrive together. If we tear one another part, the ableist and sanist system will simply laugh at us for self sabotaging, because we'll have served their goal.

Mindlessly jumping on the next wave of "YOU ARENT [BLANK] ENOUGH" discourse is almost always the wrong fucking move.

I want you all to take into consideration how truly debilitated and incapable of functions (INCLUDING PHYSICAL AND PHYSIOLOGICAL) some ND ppl are, even without a clinical "physical disability".

Because of my mental disability I'm less able to seek help for my physical disability because my being insane means I'm a "hypochondriac" that's not worth testing or taking seriously.

You are all very eager to forget that a lot of people who are mentally disabled are less likely to be given proper clinical care for physical symptoms, are more likely to be dismissed, and are more likely to go undiagnosed in many areas of health. You're not even considering that a large portion of these people also very likely HAVE clinical disabilities that they're not aware of yet and are actively experiencing symptoms of, and that them being brought into the cripple community with welcome arms could help THOUSANDS find answers and seek better care that they're being denied bc of sanism and ableism. You're too focused on feeling threatened and undermined to realize you're throwing your own under the bus materially.

Mental disability IS physical disability because the brain is a physical part of you. The mind isn't somehow alienated from the physical body. You can be physically disabled without a clinical physiological disability. If your mental disability impacts your physical capabilities, you are physically disabled even in the absence of a clinical physiological disability. You can claim cripple if you are physically impacted by disability of any kind. Period.

- sincerely a pissed off insane cripplepunk 🙃

Bad faith gets blocked.

[saintobio]

So I read the tw/ depression ask from an anon that got depressed after reading chapter 8 and I'm sorry Ai, I have to rant about this.

I honestly dk why anon think its appropriate to send this ask, its your own responsibility to take care of your own mental health so if you're not in a good head space to read HEAVY ANGST fic, then don't read it, plain and simple.

Telling the AUTHOR to tone down the angst is just ridiculous. 1) Its her work, she do what she wants. 2) The series is labelled as heavy angst for a reason. As much as I break to see Y/N suffer, I would never wish anything that happened in the past chapters to be different because that's what the series is meant to be.

I honestly don't know how you tolerate this Ai, the nerves of some of these anons to even ask this just blew my mind when you're already so kind enough to take your time off your busy schedule to answer all our asks.

hey love thank uuu for speaking up, i’m gonna be 100% honest i’ve received a shit ton of asks saying the last chapter triggered their anxiety/depression/panic attacks and as much as i’d like to apologise, i also feel like i’m being unfairly held accountable for what the series has made them feel (?) 😭 like, i made it very clear that this is heavy angst and i don’t bullshit my angst. it’s h e a v y. i didn’t label this series heavy angst for clickbait lmao. but i get that what they’re maybe trying to express is the fact that i was able to elicit those intense emotions through my writing which i guess is a compliment but at the same time i feel like being guilt tripped when ppl tell me they felt sick/depressed and that it’s affecting their mental health.

for their sake, if they cannot handle the themes, i honestly would be happy if they can stop reading the series unless they’re actually ready 😔

edited: no i don’t mean the ones who simply say “oh this chapter made me shake” i don’t mind those! there are just some asks that specifically ‘blame me’ that i triggered their anxiety bc of the last chapter.

[uncloseted]

me and my friends are gonna try acid ( I’m 14 almost 15) and this is so crazy to me bc I’ve never did drugs before or smoked anything besides like vape and shit. But acid is just scary to me bc I know nothing about it compared to weed or something. Do you think there’s a long-term effects from trying acid at young age? also like is it dangerous?

Hallucinogens (LSD, shrooms, DMT, etc) in general are considered to be pretty safe, although no drug is entirely safe. The only way to be perfectly safe using LSD is to not take it at all. That said, hallucinogens are responsible for very few emergency room visits or health risks, and there's currently research into whether taking hallucinogens would be beneficial for people with anxiety, depression, and PTSD.

Risks

There are some risks you should be aware of if you're thinking about trying LSD. If you have anyone in your family (including grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, parents, and siblings) who has schizophrenia, a psychotic disorder, or bipolar disorder, hallucinogens may increase the likelihood that you'll develop that disorder yourself. In people without risk factors, however, there is no established link between psychedelics and psychosis. If you have high blood pressure, taking LSD may also be a bad idea, since it can raise blood pressure.

If you're taking tricyclic antidepressants, SSRIs, lithium, haloperidol, MAOIs, 5-HTP, St John’s Wort, any supplements that “may affect serotonergic function”, or Ritonavir/Indinavir, you should not take LSD.

Hallucinogen persisting perception disorder is another possible long-term side effect of LSD use, though it is rare. In most cases, LSD-related flashbacks happen once or twice, usually within a few days of use. With HPDD, people experience certain sensations or visual effects from a trip persistently, usually over the course of a few weeks to several months. HPDD is poorly understood since there isn't a lot of research behind it, but it appears to be most common in people who abuse psychedelics and have other mental illnesses.

There do not appear to be any negative long-term effects on brain development for teenagers who try LSD, but there is not a lot of research that's been done in this arena, so it's hard to say for sure.

Staying Safe

In terms of other things to consider, LSD may be an intense experience if you've never tried any other type of mind-altering substance before. LSD generally lasts between 8 and 13 hours, and can last as long as 18 hours, so if you're not enjoying the experience, you're kind of stuck with it. Possible side effects during a trip include anxiety, paranoid thinking, discomfort, and temporary moderate increases in blood pressure.

There's some good information on how to have a safe, positive experience with LSD here and some good information about its effects here.

In general, there are some harm reduction techniques you should always practice when you’re doing drugs:

- Know what you’re getting.  Some drugs look like one thing but turn out to be another or turn out to be laced with something else.  You can get testing kits online that can help you figure out if the drug you were sold is what you think it is or not. If there is any indication that the drug may be something besides what you thought it was, do not take it.

- Have a sober companion. Having someone around who’s in a sober state can help to prevent anything bad from happening while you're under the influence. That person should stay with you the entire duration of your trip. Ideally, this person would be someone that you trust, that has experience with LSD and is knowledgable about adverse reactions to the drug, has good people skills, is empathetic and respectful, and that knows how to get people to calm down when they're stressed.

- Don’t mix. Combining drugs can increase risk to your system, and so can mixing drugs with alcohol.  In this case, “combining” is taking any drug/medication/alcohol up to 24 hours before another drug. Like I mentioned before, this includes any prescription medication you might be taking.  SSRIs, anti-depressants, and anti-anxiety medications commonly have interactions with other drugs, so you have to be careful.  It also includes any supplements you might take. 

- Go slow and know your dose. Make sure to research the correct dosing for any drug you might be thinking about taking, and then take less of it than is recommended.  You can always take more if you’re not feeling an effect, but you can’t take less.  For LSD, a relatively safe starting place is between 30 and 40 micrograms. You're less likely to have a bad experience if you start with a small dose, and you're more likely to enjoy it or experience the positive aspects of the experience.

Don’t try to compete with other people to see who can do the most.  Along with that, it’s important to know how long the drug takes to “hit”.  Sometimes people fall into the trap of waiting a few minutes, deciding the dose they took isn’t going to do anything, and then take more, which results in them having too much of the drug in their system.  Again, it’s important to go slow.  Take more time than you think you might need before considering taking another dose. With LSD, it's unlikely that you will want to take a second dose.

- Write everything you’ve taken down and never lie to paramedics. In the event that things do go badly, you want to be able to tell the paramedics everything you’ve taken, in what doses, and how long ago so that they can treat you.  Paramedics will not report you to the authorities for taking illegal drugs; they just want to treat you.  If you’re ever in a situation where someone is having a bad reaction to a drug or overdosing, call the paramedics. You won’t get in trouble and you can save a life.  

- Do it somewhere safe, and give yourself time. This is colloquially known as "set and setting". If you're going to do drugs, it's best to do them in a safe, pleasant, and familiar environment. Ideally, it should be a house environment that's clean and uncluttered, without dangerous items around, without windows or on the ground floor, without unpleasant things or people around. The environment should feel relaxed and be somewhere where nothing disturbing or scary is likely to happen. It should be somewhere where you are unlikely to encounter the police or disapproving adults.  Whether or not you agree with it, in most countries doing drugs is illegal, and you don’t want a court case on your hands.  Drug addiction ruins lives, but so does being arrested for drug possession (in the US, at least), and being arrested happens more frequently.  You also want to make sure that there are no time pressures on you for more than the duration of the drug- clear at least your entire day just in case. Clearing two days is optimal for LSD. Finally, make sure that you're in a good headspace and have been for a few weeks. Especially for LSD, your mindset will impact the type of experience you have.

For LSD, it may also be a good idea to have eyeshades and headphones available. These tools can help to reduce the distractions of environmental stimuli and reduce social pressures, which can create an easier and more positive experience overall. It's also a good idea to give your phone to your sober companion.

If you have any other questions or if there's anything I can clear up, please let me know! This is just everything I could think of off the top of my head that might be helpful for you to know in order to make an informed decision about whether or not this is something you want to try.

[thedeviljudges]

Do you think Yohan always planned to fake his death and join Elijah in Switzerland, or did he originally intend to really die with the rest of the 'villains'? Part of me thinks that would fit with his pre-Gaon conception of himself, as a monster, not deserving of love, not necessarily seeing a role for himself in Elijah's life beyond getting revenge for her/Isaac, and financing an opportunity to help her recovery. Or do you think regardless of that, he'd still never plan to leave her on her own?

i didn't mean to put off this ask for so long. i was busy, but i also wanted to wrap my thoughts around this before i tried answering. not bc i didn't have an answer to begin with but yohan and death is a subject i'd like to approach, but i'm not entirely sure how i'd like to make the analysis of it, and i'm not sure i ever will.

so that leaves me to answer it here in the best way i can because point blank: i do believe yohan intended to die by the end. i do think he had two plans in place since the beginning (dying or not dying and helping elijah), but of course, until that final moment, he wasn't ever going to know the truth. that end scene of him blowing up the court was a 50/50 shot. he had a plan to make it out, but it wasn't a guarantee.

but lets also back up a bit because before we get to that point, i think it's necessary to point out that the reason yohan gets away and does all of the shit that he does is because he knows that he might not make it out alive. it's why he's reckless. it's why he bends the law the way that he does. yohan's actions prove, over and over again, that he does not care for himself. he does not care to live except to protect elijah. there are so many small moments of this. we call yohan unhinged out of fun, but i think there is truth in it because i've mentioned this casually before (and part of my words above in terms of not necessarily knowing how to approach this just yet) is that yohan is almost...... suicidal himself.

he's reckless. he's said that he does not care about the actual law. his goal has always been getting revenge for his brother, especially for his niece who grew up without her parents. yohan never truly cared about the bigger picture until gaon came along. if we leave out gaon and think of the plot as such, yohan would've been able to prevail much quicker, i'd say. he had a plan and was going to follow through with it no matter what, regardless of the ending. and he knew going into it that there was a chance he wouldn't make it out alive.

which is why i think he partially also allowed elijah to blame him for her parent's death because if she hates him, it will be so much easier for her to forget him. she won't mourn him or miss him. she will be able to move on with her life and live it any which way she wants. but because yohan doesn't really understand kids, let alone elijah, what he fails to realize is that elijah doesn't actually hate her uncle. she's looking to get rid of all of the pent up hurt and frustration bc she never had an outlet to let all of that out. yohan fails to see that elijah cares for him and would miss him, to a degree, if he died.

so now, if we think of the plot with gaon, it twists everything on its head bc gaon has no need to be there within yohan's plans. yohan doesn't need gaon to do anything bc everything was already planned from the beginning. if anything, gaon came in and crashed some things, leaving yohan to pick up those pieces and continue pushing forward. biggest case in point, gaon's stubbornness and his arguments against yohan with the law and what he's doing.

see, gaon eventually comes to realize yohan's reasonings for doing what he's doing for his brother, but i feel like gaon thinks that even if that is part of yohan's plan involves revenge, how much does he think yohan is also doing this for the greater good and wanting to fix society? we know that yohan has no intention of that, but does gaon? and so no wonder gaon protests because if he thinks yohan is trying to fix a broken system (plus get revenge all in the same plot), no wonder gaon continues fighting yohan - he's under the belief that yohan is trying to make things better. but he's NOT.

which circles back to the idea that yohan had every intention of either making it out alive or dying. gaon opened his eyes that yes, maybe things could possibly be good. gaon made yohan question a lot of things along the way, especially his own humanness and realizing that he is worth something and not the monster he let himself believe he was, and what others told him he was. that wasn't part of the plan either, which is why it made it so much harder for yohan to go through with bombing the court because yohan's at a conflicting place of finally understanding gaon's hope but knowing that he only ever had revenge as an intent.

yohan's plan is derailed a bit by gaon being hope and introducing concepts yohan has lived without for so long. before then, yohan lived isolated with one clear goal in mind until gaon showed him he had a reason to live. i also said in another post that while gaon stopped yohan because he didn't want to see yohan going down a path he couldn't come back from, it was already too late at that point. yohan had already set his path long before gaon came into the picture and nothing he said or done would've changed that. but it DID given yohan more perspective and more heart, possibly being at peace even more so with dying knowing elijah would have gaon.

but instances within the show - of course, his two fake deaths. him steering gaon and himself off the road on the middle of the highway. him chasing after the minister's son. yohan asking soohyun to save gaon despite him literally bleeding out.

yohan does not care for himself. he does not care whether he lives or dies, as long as his plan is completed. we can talk til we're blue in the face about how yohan was wrong manipulating the law like he did and various other things, but the reason why? is because he did not care. and it wasn't because of him being a sociopath by any means. it was because he numbed his emotions, lied to himself, and used his love for his brother and elijah to propel him to a desired end with the possibility of his death involved. and quite frankly, that speaks volumes about who he is and just how much he actually cares, how much he actually has emotions.

yohan, to love his niece so much he decided to manipulate the law, to serve his own agenda and purposes for an outcome that wouldn't actually give them that much peace, but would at least position the country in a way they could grow and give elijah a life where she wouldn't have to grow up into that kind of destruction. this is why yohan "leaves" gaon behind and why gaon is the hope of the show because in going along with his plans, yohan realized that if gaon wasn't going to follow him through til the end, if he was going to do everything in his power to stop yohan, then the biggest apology yohan could give gaon was the world - the entire judicial system to make things right, to do better. that was yohan's gift to gaon and his apology because yohan had no intention of making it better. but maybe gaon could with him gone.

i've seen a few comments about how if yohan was someone in irl, we'd all steer clear of him, well, there's a lot of characters out there like that, but i wouldn't stay away from him for the reasons everyone typically lists (like the choking and manipulation) because they think he's that way just bc. yohan's actions mimic those of someone who simply doesn't care because they're depressed and not because they're psychotic. there is a DIFFERENCE. like yes, are some of his actions shitty? and his gaon right to mistrust the things he does sometimes, also yes.

but understand that there is a difference in people's behaviors depending on the underlying mental health issues involved. i don't fully believe yohan had any intent to hurt elijah or gaon maliciously. it's part of yohan being oblivious and not recognizing his own actions mixed with the entirety of his plans to be followed through til the very end. we've seen how oblivious yohan can be (the classroom bird story is a classic example; they all thought he was the devil when in reality, this kid only hurt the bird because it was scaring the girl he sat next to. logically, that mean eliminating the threat. he didn't purposefully kill the bird and enjoy it. it was a practical response within his own personal world).

i feel like i'm missing parts of this discussion, which is why i said this was a difficult topic for me to approach just to get all of my thoughts about it out there. and long story short to answer your question: i think yohan intended to die (just like he had a plan in case went to jail, for example). that possibility couldn't have been ruled out. but i think he had the plan to escape with elijah so that she could get better. either way, whatever happened happened, even if he died. elijah would be taken care of regardless.

gaon throws a wrench in his plans just a little bit, makes him realize his emotional capacities but gaon's not enough to stop yohan from seeing his plans out until the very end, even if that means losing gaon, too, because even if gaon has shown yohan that he is worthy of love and family and affection, it is not enough to forgive everything he's done, and he needs to make right what was wrong. yohan's death in that courtroom, if it had happened, wouldn't be the thing everyone needed to forgive him for his actions but it would be a start in eliminating himself as part of the problem.

another thing to keep in mind, is that we know yohan is not a sociopath, even if that's what everyone wanted us to believe. everyone thought he made sunah jump out the window, but what he was actually doing was protecting isaac and his mother's necklace. sunah made the choice all on her own, set up yohan and framed him despite yohan reaching out time and time again. isaac didn't even understand what had happened and focused on the fact that this girl jumped because of yohan without listening to the truth of it. yohan has always been shown to be fiercely loyal to the people he loves. he's never directly done anything bad (at least as a kid) unless he was provoked.

what people need to understand about yohan as a character is INTENTIONS. and i hope i'm making myself clear on this. everyone thinks he's born a devil, but that has never been the case. yohan's actions just come from a place from blind revenge. if he never needed to get revenge in the first place, if isaac was alive and well, would yohan make these same decisions? would he still be this kind of person who needed to use these methods to work around the law? i don't think so.

i think i remember getting an ask awhile back about whether yohan would eventually turn into who he is now had isaac lived because we see him livid and upset during that flashback to one of his earlier court cases (where we find he's ripping the paper with the pen) and whether or not isaac's death just fast forwarded the process. i don't feel like trying to go dig that post out, and i can't remember what i said on it either, but i feel yohan would have his family as a moral compass to keep him in line, and he wouldn't have succumbed to his present-day tactics. i think he could've worked his way up into the system and made real change. i think his heart could've been there all long, but again, was derailed by isaac's death and of course, plans changed.

this was a mouthful, and i hope what i'm saying makes sense because you can probably see what i mean about how difficult it is trying to organize my thoughts about this subject. but i am under the full belief that yohan had every intention of dying at the end or even before that. i think he's a depressed individual who learned to slowly open back up with gaon's help, but gaon is no doctor and no amount of his kindness would help someone that depressed either. it helped, certainly. but yohan saw himself as a monster/devil until the very end, and was more than willing to kill himself to make gaon and elijah's life so much easier. as penance. as justice. as love.