#bc we talk in english online so this made it easier

[heliopixels]

Spontaneously coming out to my cousin let's fucking go

[knightzp]

Hi Miki!!! Was wondering how did you learn english? I'm gonna start working on spanish soon and I'm trying to think what would be best for how to get a basic knowledge of words and stuff because I don't know much

HII TIA!!! ohh in my case i learned a good part of my english just going to classes. english is like the compulsory second language in almost all schools here so i remember starting learning my very first words when i was just like. three years old lol. apart from the lessons i had every year at school my parents also made me attend a lot of extracurricular english classes growing up and i even went a couple of months during summer to the uk where i spent the time living with a family there and so i had no other option than to read and talk in english all the time and it helped a lot too

but ig this isnt very useful to you so thinking of something that can help you in an easier way and that has helped me a lot too was reading a lot and watching shows in english! i was always very lazy to start reading books in english ngl but when i started with fics i had no other option so i slowly began doing it and tbh it took me a while to get really used to it, bc even if i already had a good english level there were still words and expressions typically used in writing that i had never come around just yet. i was slow at first, looking words on the dictionary from time to time, but i really felt like it helped me lots to get better and it still does. and not only fics. unironically reading posts here on tumblr also helps a lot bc it makes me read in english every day and so i can easily maintain my level and even improve it. for the tv shows, i found that watching cartoons especifically helped me a lot since i hear the voices clearer than in other shows and even if you dont know that well the language i feel like this helps. ive done this not only with english but also with french, which im by no means as fluent as im with english but even if i didnt understand every single word i think it helped me quite a lot!

however its true that for what i said abt the reading and the tv shows you need at least some basic level on the language and since you said you dont know much.... mmmm i remember that back in school we used to read some thin books during english classes that were basically adaptations of other actual books (like one i remember was frankestein for example) but with simplified language and they were available for each level you had so something like that might help ! idk if it would be possible to find them online for free but i dont think itd be very expensive to buy one or two if you want to

[praublem-child]

I know this isn't my fandom blog, but it is my main blog and I've been talking about Bubble for a paper I'm writing in my abnormal psych class, so I'm just gonna post this here.

Normally I don't like to hype Netflix movies because I think Netflix is a fairly predatory streaming service (they all are really, but still), and their movies and shows often get cut off before they can really get going, but holy shit this one was good.

I don't normally watch movies and stuff because I like to stick with my current hyperfixations, but because I'm writing this paper I ended up picking it after finding myself in a reddit hole after searching for "animated autism movies". I'm not entire convinced that the characters are autistic, but I certainly related to them more than I do most characters.

Hibiki has confirmed sound hypersensitivity. He was taken to a lot of doctors as a child to figure out why, we even got an MRI scene where he was visibly flinching from the noises. He got overwhelmed easily by the sounds of the city, and we have a few scenes where we see his mother progressively lose hope and eventually she drops him in what looks to be a special education class. Throughout the movie we see him being very protective over his headphones and wincing at multiple sounds, showing an obvious disinterest in socialization, and he has a grand total of two interests that we see, both of which he seems incredibly good at. Hibiki is also awkward around socialization, hyperaware of his surroundings, and I noticed a general lack of emotions and empathy compared to his teammates. It wasn't completely gone, but it was noticeable if you were looking (I was looking bc of this paper).

The other main character is named Uta, who isn't actually a human at all. I never actually figured out what she is? She's like,, literally a bubble. But also not? Anyway, aside from the movie's main problem not making almost any sense, Uta is nonspeaking for the first part of the film, and only speaks in simple words and references to the little mermaid which she read early on. Both her and Hibiki seem to connect in ways that neither could with any of the other members on the team. I'm not gonna give spoilers that I don't think are relevant to this autism thing, but there's probably several reasons outside of that. Regardless, it made sense to me that if they were both autistic they'd be closer to each other despite barely knowing each other. I know I've always found it easier to connect and communicate with other autistic individuals in my life.

Uta also has some fairly weird mannerisms and very clearly doesn't understand social cues. This makes sense given the fact that she's literally not human, but I couldn't help but draw parallels between her behaviors and how I acted as a kid (re: like a feral cat).

Now I know I didn't talk about everything in the movie, I'm like three hours past when I should have gone to bed and I need to save some of this brain power for the actual paper, but if anyone actually reads this post please go watch Bubble on Netflix. It makes no sense, I still barely understand what was going on in the movie, but it was so pretty to look at and the main characters are autistic coded at the very least. The music is also going to be stuck in my head for weeks.

Anyway. (not so) Mini rant over, time to sleep and try not to hyperfixate for the next week on this movie. It's already like two years old and had barely anything about it online, so I seriously doubt I'd be able to find a solid amount of fanfiction to fuel me if that happened. /hj

Trailer (the english dub is rlly good btw): https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8pbWblLkHHk

[loucutie]

super depressed and in pain bc it’s 38 degrees out and i physically can’t do anything when it’s cold like my body is Stiff and it fucking sucks and i took my adderall this morning bc it helps distract from pain but i’m also just so throughly depressed like i’m 24 and i can’t do anything without assistance in some capacity. i always feel like a burden and i drain everyone around me i feel like a bottomless pit of take take take and no matter how much my partner or my family or friends say i’m ok i feel useless. i can’t drive, i haven’t gone to college yet, i don’t have skills, i can only work a job for so long before i get fired or quit bc of my pain. i lost the house i grew up in after grandma died and my mom was getting paid to take care of her so she lost her mom and her job and i feel responsible. i got sick in middle school and she was in her last rotation for dental assisting but she left school to help me bc i couldn’t get out of bed without physical assistance. she could’ve had a career and financial freedom but she left school to take care of me full time and i carry that with me everyday. my dream is have a history doctorate i want to study archiving i want curate entire exhibits. i haven’t even gone to community college. i tried but had to fail out bc of attendance. professors were unwilling to prerecord lectures or even let me attend virtually. that’s why seeing how quickly schools made accommodations for virtual learning made me so angry. the exact protocols for online learning especially in the area i went to school are things my mom and i spent my whole high school career fighting for. when i requested to be able to zoom into class i was told it was ridiculous and it was just never going to happen but flash forward 2 years and it suddenly matters to accommodate able bodied students. location shouldn’t stop a child from learning! but it didn’t matter when it was me bc i’m already a lost cause. black, poor, physically disabled, why should we help her pass? it’s not like she’ll make anything of her self so let’s not waste the resources. i graduated by the skin of my teeth. i start working at a second hand teen clothing store (iykyk) it’s great and they’re willing to accommodate my needs. i work there for years but my body gave out and i couldn’t pretend to be “normal” so even with all the accommodations i still had to leave bc i couldn’t handle it. i apply for community college and it’s great for a while until my professors decide not to accommodate me anymore. one of my professors is also disabled. he had no interest in my 504 plan. i emailed him my dr note for missing class a couple days in a row and he emailed me back saying essentially he can’t worry about me and even if i have notes he refuses to record his lecture and so any info i miss is my problem. i asked what i could do to make my accommodations easier for him. keep in mind this is a cis white man who also uses mobility aids. he told me that i need to help myself more and stop relying on others. at the same time i’m also being medicated for my adhd for the first time and trying to adjust. i asked my english teacher for extra explanation on an assignment and she took every single opportunity to belittle me. i even explained my recent diagnosis and she said that if it’s not on my 504 she does t have to do anything about it and told me to ask classmates about it. she constantly critiqued without teaching us how to do better. a truly vile woman who is def racist (like when she failed my paper on the angry black woman stereotype bc “i don’t understand how being powerful and strong could be a negative thing. women have been seen a delicate and too weak to do anything so this must just be something you made up” and in the next essay prompt she put a little not that said not to talk about taxes or religion or social justice bc “my taxes are high enough.” like she writes grants for the hospital in the area which is terrifying. a racist writing grant for a hospital that has a history of profiling it’s patients.)

all of this to say i’m having the worst time with self worth and confidence in my abilities. i don’t have anything to show for living this long i can’t even drive a car or cook that well or move around when the weather is cold. laying in bed for rest is the most isolating experience. when i was a kid my days were just taking medication that would make me sleep for hours, wake up to eat something and watch animal cops, take more medicine, and fall back asleep. it was truly the worst experience of my life. i lost so many friends and even family bc i couldn’t physically get out of bed.

this pain has taken everything from me and so tired. i want to do something with my life but i’m terrified i’ll have to give it up bc i can’t stand for too long or be in cold temps too long or bend over or lift anything heavy. it’s so isolating. my partner is helpless when i’m having a bad pain day bc she’s a doctor but knows she can’t do anything for me in the moment. i know how much of a burden my disability is on my friends and family and i hate myself so much for it. i’m grateful they love me but i don’t want to trap them in this with me. they say they don’t mind but can see the toll it takes on them. i hate seeing my partner cry bc i’m in so much pain and she can’t do anything. i feel so guilty when she gets home from work and has to help me bc i couldn’t get out of bed all day. i feel like i’ve been afforded too much kind that i didn’t earn. all i do is ask for help or hurt myself trying to do it myself. both are humiliating in completely different ways.

i’m so exhausted like physically mentally emotionally exhausted.

[lviste]

i wanna have a very nice moment rn bc i feel like crying.

ava @rrinsluvr you were my first moot here and honestly i cant rmb how we became moots but i absolutely adore you for being one of my closest friend rn ( online and rp ) as well as one of my closest moots. you also inspired me to write smaus

su @scarahours you were one of my favourite smau writers and i admire you so when we became friends(?) i hope we are, i was kinda shocked bc i wasnt a writer yet and you were the one who encouraged and inspired me to write a remake of the remarried empress. i also consider you as one my closest friends online.

lee / lara @skaramush you were also one of my favourite smau writers and i admire you as well. the first time we talked was when i asked you to add me to your taglist so when one day you suddenly asked to be moots and join a server i was really shocked /gen and i hesitated to join but i dont regret it. i found it surprising and funny that you thought i was filipino tbh. both you and su. i consider you one of my closest friend online

nyx @albenyx you were one of the people to welcome me and for that i was grateful because on the first few days, i didn't understand anything at all and i had to use google translate. i really appreciate you trying to speak in english for me to understand easier and even though i bully you the most i really love you fr and you are one of my closest friend

FUCK IM STARTING TO CRY

okay moving on

kyo @telemi you were also one of the people i met at first and maybe we werent very close, i appreciate you trying to talk to me in english to make me feel welcomed and i hope we can be closer in the future okay? take good care of yourself and we will all be waiting for you to come back and maybe we arent very close but i consider you as one of my friends

sevy @sevynnee you were also one of the people that made me feel welcome in the sever. i appreciate you being aether and translating some of your words in english so i can understand better. we might not be as close or we are in your opinion, but i consider you as one of my closest friends online. honestly i was scared of you so i didnt know we could be this close in my opinion but thank you. i also admire how much time and effore you put in our rp

pam @ay4kshalatus you were one of the people who welcomed me even though i wasnt filipino and you made me feel welcomed and even now you are still really nice to me that i feel like i dont deserve it tbh and honestly im really glad we became friends pampam <3 or maybe im just thinking it too far but you are one of my closest friends online too in my opinion it doesn't matter if you dont feel the same.

ein @kazu-topia you were also one the people who welcomed me to the server. i admire your humor and you never fail to always make me laugh. i know i bully you time to time but i genuinely appreciate you from your dramatic antics to your crazy y/n life. i consider you as one of my closest friend. i know you tried to speak english for me at first to make me feel welcomed and i really appreciate it so thank you

biu @biuun you were one of the people who welcomed me to this server. honestly you had the most unproblematic life(until baizhu) and you would always stay with me while we watch them have their y/n era and i know you haven't been online much but in the beginning i felt left out because i didn't know what was happening nor was i sure on what to say but you were like " liv lets just sit down and eat popcorn while watching them " and that made me really happy to be involved at least once. i consider you as one of my friends or even closest friends.

ate sam @sunizome you were one of the few people who welcomed me and i was quite afraid of you at first because you were older than me so i didnt know how to react. we arent very close due to us not talking alot but i appreciate you being my ate for 10 seasons in the original timeline and i consider you one of my friends or maybe even closest friend. i hope we can be closer with each other

ain @shimenawas you joined after me i think but honestly you are so sweet to me??? like ik i bully you time to time but you are so nice to me and i feel like i dont deserve it sometimes. we arent very close and i would love to be closer with you in the future. and honestly i really consider you as one of my friends or even closest friends :)

@/everyone i love all of you and even tho i get mad at you guys sometimes or bully you guys, i dont really mean it. i know all of you miss the old liv ( the sweet, polite, nice liv) so heres the sweet and nice liv okay. i know i also say sometimes i regret joining the server, i dont actually mean it and im glad lara thought i was a filipino hence why im here. i love all of you and remember to take good care of yourself, stay healthy, and drink lots of water okay?

[nevermindirah]

Do you have any thoughts on the use of AAVE for Nile (or lack thereof) in TOG fanfiction? I've been reading some Book of Nile fic and some writers seem to write her as a Millennial™ (using words like "fave" and "woke") but never acknowledge her Blackness in her patterns of speech. I know we don't see her use as much AAVE in the films, but I would argue she's in situations where code-switching would be valued (first in a "professional" environment in the army, then around a group of non-Black strangers).

Hi anon! I have many thoughts on this and I'm honored you asked me! But I should start by saying I'm white and any thoughts Black fans and especially Black American fans have on this that they want to share would be beyond lovely. (I'm not gonna tag anybody bc that feels rude but please add onto this post if any of y'all see this and want to!)

The main reason I personally avoid AAVE for Nile in my own fics is because I'm not Black. But Nile-centric fics by Black writers tend to avoid using much of it too, at least from what I've noticed/understood, and my guess is it's largely for the reason you mention, that she's in situations that encourage code-switching.

In movie canon Nile is highly competent at tailoring her language to each situation she finds herself in. This fantastic linguistics analysis meta shows how skillfully Nile chooses her vocabulary and grammar to meet her goals with different conversation partners in different contexts. In comics canon Nile had a bunch of different civilian jobs before joining the Marines, so she would've had experience code-switching in the ways that made sense for all those different contexts as well as the Marines and her family and high school and wherever else she spent her time before we met her. And now she's spending her time with a handful of immortals none of whom are native English speakers and a fellow Black American but one with a Queen's English UK accent whose professional experience is in the CIA where high-status code-switching is often an absolute must for success or even survival.

Fics featuring Nile are charged with extrapolating from that to how it might show up in her use of language that she's coping with a traumatic separation from her family and her career and pretty much everything she's ever known and now she needs to be able to make herself understood to people who seem to care about her and each other but are super duper in crisis, three (soon to be four) of whom predate Modern English entirely and the only one who's anywhere near her contemporary she's not supposed to talk to for a century. All of these people are telling her that pretty much any contact with any mortals poses an existential threat to her and the rest of the group. How the FUCK is she supposed to cope with that, like, generally? And would it be a more effective way for her to cope if she talked to Andy Joe and Nicky using the speech patterns that she used to use with her mom and brother, to at least retain that part of her identity even if it means having to do a lot of explaining, or would it meet her needs better to prioritize Andy Joe and Nicky understanding what she means with her words over using the particular words and grammar forms she used with her family?

I've seen several fics, both Nile-centric / BoN and otherwise, explore this a little bit in how/whether Nile uses Millennial™ speak. It's often a theme in Nile texting Booker despite the exile because of the popular headcanon that he as The Tech Guy is the only other immortal who understands memes. But Nile's much-younger-than-Booker mom probably uses Boomer and/or Gen X memes and Andy has been adapting to new communication styles for forever as evidenced by her canon high level of fluency with standard-American-accented English.

Which brings us back to people avoiding AAVE because they're not Black and they don't want to make mistakes (or they're not Black and they don't want to get yelled at for making mistakes, though I think many people overestimate how much they'll get yelled at while underestimating how much these mistakes can hurt). I can imagine some Black fans hold back from using much AAVE in fic because they don't want to share in-group stuff with white people who are likely to then adopt and ruin it, as white people so often do with Black cultural stuff. Some links about this including a great Khadija Mbowe video. I'm saying this gently, anon, because you might not know: woke, an example you cited as Millennial™ speak, is AAVE, and that's gotten erased by so many white people appropriating it and using it incorrectly online.

And also there's the part where fandom is a hobby and you never know when you're reading a fic that's the very first thing someone's ever written outside of a school assignment. This cultural considerations of language shit takes a level of effort and skill that not everybody puts into every fic, or even could if they wanted to because they haven't had time to build their skills yet. It's definitely easier for non-Black fans to project our millennial feels onto Nile than to do the layers of research and self-reflection it requires to depict what Blackness might mean to Nile, and it's not surprising that often people sharing their hobby creations on the internet have gone the easier route. There's not even necessarily shame in doing what's easier. It's just frustrating and often hurtful when structural white supremacy means that 3-dimensional Black characters are rare in media and thoughtful explorations of them in fandom are seen by the majority of fans as not-easy to make and therefore Nile Freeman, the main character in The Old Guard (2020) dir. Gina Prince-Bythewood, has the least fic and meta and art made about her of our 5 main immortals.

I've been active in different fandoms off and on for twenty years and I barely managed to write 5,000 words about Sam Wilson across multiple different fics in the 7 years since I fell in love with him. There's an alchemy to which characters we connect with, and on top of that which characters we connect with in a way that causes us to create stuff about them. Something about Nile Freeman finally tipped me over the edge from a voracious reader to a voracious writer. It's not for me to judge which characters speak to other individuals to the level of creating content about them, but I do think it's important for us to notice, and then work to fight, the pattern where across this fandom as a whole Nile gets way less content, and way less depth in so much of the content that's in theory about her, than any of these other characters.

Anyway, back to language. My two long fics feature Nile with several Black friends — Copley and OCs and cameos from other media — but all of those characters except Alec Hardison from Leverage aren't American. It's very possible I'm guilty of stereotyping Black British speech patterns in I See Your Eyes Seek a Distant Shore. I watched hours and hours of Black haircare YouTube videos in the research for that fic and I modeled my OCs' speech patterns on what I heard from some of those YouTubers as well as what I've heard people like John Boyega and Idris Elba saying in interviews, but the thing about doing your best is you still might fuck up.

I'm slowly making progress on my WIP where Nile and Sam Wilson are cousins, and what ways of talking with a family member might be authentic for Nile is a major question I need to figure out. For that, I'm largely modeling my writing choices on how I hear my Black friends and colleagues talking to each other. I haven't overheard colleagues talking in an office in a long-ass time, but back when that was a thing, I remember seeing a ton of nuance in the different ways many of my Black colleagues would talk to each other. Different people have different personalities! And backgrounds! And priorities! A few jobs ago my department was about 1/3 Black and we worked closely with Obama administration staff many of whom were Black and there was SO MUCH VARIETY in how Black people talked to each other, about work and workplace-appropriate personal stuff, where I and other white coworkers could hear. There are a few work friends in particular who I have in my head when I'm trying to imagine how Sam and Nile might talk to each other. From the outside looking in, God DAMN is shit complicated, intellectually and interpersonally and spiritually, for Black people who are devoting their professional lives to public service in the United States.

One more aspect of this that I have big thoughts on but I need to take extra care in talking about is the idea of acknowledging Nile's Blackness in her patterns of speech. There's no one right way to be Black, and Nile's a fictional character created by a white dude but there are plenty of real-life Black Americans who don't use much or even any AAVE, for reasons that are complicated because of white supremacy. (Highly highly recommend this video by Shanspeare on the harms of the Oreo stereotype.)

Something that's not the same but has enough similarity that I think it's worth talking about is my personal experience with authenticity and American Jewish speech patterns. My Jewish family members don't talk like they're in The Marvelous Mrs. Maisel, and I've known lots of people who do talk that way (or the millennial version of it), some of whom have questioned my Jewishness because I don't talk that way. That hurts me. Sometimes when another Jew tells me some shit like "I've never heard a Jew say y'all'd've," I can respond with "well now you have asshole, bless your Yankee-ass heart," because the myth of Dixie is a racist lie but I will totally call white Northerners Yankees when they're being shitty to me for being Southern, and this particular Jew fucking revels in using "bless your heart" with maximum polite aggression, especially with said Yankees. But sometimes I don't have it in me to say anything and it just quietly hurts having an important part of me disbelieved by someone who shares that important part of me. The sting isn't quite the same when non-Jews disbelieve or discount my Jewishness, but that hurts too.

Who counts as authentically Jewish is a messy in-group conversation and it doesn't really make sense to explain it all here. Who counts as authentically Jewish is a matter of legal status for immigration, citizenship, and civil rights in Israel, and it's my number 2 reason after horrific treatment of Palestinians that I'm antizionist. But outside that extremely high-stakes legal situation, it can just feel really shitty to not be recognized as One Of Us, especially by your own people.

It can also feel really shitty to be The Only One of Your Kind in a group, even if that group is an immortal chosen family who all loves each other dearly. Sometimes especially in a situation like that where you know those people love you but there are certain things they don't get about you and will never quite be able to. I'm definitely projecting at least a little bit of my "lonely Jew who will be alone again for yet another Jewish holiday" stuff onto Nile when at the end of I See Your Eyes Seek a Distant Shore she's thinking about being the only Black immortal and moving away from the community she'd built with a mostly-Black group of mortals in that fic. Maybe that tracks, or maybe that's fucked up of me.

Basically, this got very long but it's complicated, writing about experiences that aren't your own takes skill which in turn takes time and practice to build, writing about experiences not your own that our society maligns can cause a lot of harm if done badly, it can also cause a lot of harm when a large enough portion of a fandom just decides to nope out of something that's difficult and risky because then there's just not much content about a character who deserves just a shit ton of loving and nuanced content, people are individuals and two people who come from the exact same cultural context might show that influence in all kinds of different ways, identity is complicated, language is complicated, writing is hard, and empathy and humility and doing our best aren't a guarantee of avoiding harm but they do go a long way in helping people create thoughtful content about a character as awesome and powerful and kind and messy and scared and curious and WORTHY as Nile Freeman.

[yikesharringrove]

Okaaayy yes but Steve has severe dyslexia and he gets so frustrated when he and Billy are working on homework together because Billy will be done with the assignment before Steve even gets three pages in and Steve’s getting angry and he has a headache and he’s tired and feels like an idiot but Billy is the most comforting bf EVER

I was working on an assignment and I didn’t understand a fucking word so this is really just some angst because I started crying into my textbook. I usually try to get my books online bc you can change the font and background color (they’re also usually cheaper, wink) but this one I had to get physical and It’s been a long day and dyslexy brain was bein MEAN tonight.

Dyslexic is the only way I write Steve. (I love projecting onto this boy)

Read on ao3!

It took Steve a very long time to learn to read.

He didn’t begin until well past many other children did. He learned from a very young age what his big brown eyes could do. If he unleashed them in an unsuspecting nanny, he would always be read to, and could avoid wading through the gibberish another day.

It wasn’t until he reached Kindergarten someone noticed something.

Steve was okay with his alphabets, would sometimes get letters backwards, but overall, he did fine. His chubby five-year old hands were a little clunky around a pencil, but when the teacher, Ms. Green, upgraded from individual letters to everyday words, she started noticing certain things.

He would scrunch his eyebrows at double consonants, words like button, balloon, alligator would make him huff.

When they moved on to phrases the true problem presented itself.

He would write words incorrectly, words like of and to were never quite right, and no matter how much she calmly explained the rules of a silent ‘e’, he just couldn’t get it.

She called his parents in for a meeting, sitting them down with the head of special education at Hawkins Elementary, Mrs. Collier. She handled them Steve’s work, examples of scrambled letters. Mrs. Collier produced pamphlets, threw around words like dyslexia, dysgraphia, learning disability.

Mr. Harrington was livid. He told them repeatedly he would not allow them to test Steven, that he just needed to focus, work harder. Ms. Green raised an eyebrow, said Steve’s five, he’s working as hard as he can, if we can test him to confirm, he could work easier.

Mr. Harrington had left in a huff, refusing to sign the paperwork consenting the school to test Steve, muttering all the way about no son of mine’s retarded.

Ms. Green exchanged a look with Mrs. Collier and the two women worked out a plan.

This Plan was handed from teacher to teacher as Steve progressed through Hawkins elementary. Mrs. Collier began each school year by explaining the situation to the teacher, working with them to create accommodations for Steve that wouldn’t get back to Mr. Harrington, his assignments were often printed larger, reading assignments were handed to him pre-annotated, sometimes deadlines were extended.

The Plan followed him to Hawkins Middle.

In seventh grade, he asked his English teacher about the accommodations, why his assignments were often due a week later, how he was encouraged to stay after his tests, take extra time and head off late to his next class with a note explaining he had an exam.

“When you were in kindergarten, your teacher wanted to have you tested for dyslexia. Your father wouldn’t allow it, so before every school year each of your teachers meets with Mrs. Collier, head of Special Education at Hawkins Elementary and we work out accommodations for you.”

Steve felt like he could cry. His father had always been hard on him, been vocal about how disappointing Steve was, is. He nodded at him, speeding out of the room to Social Studies, where he noticed his packet was at least two pages longer than anyone else’s, the font size large.

High school was much the same. His essays had three separate deadlines, he would meet with the teachers, would discuss alterations he could make to improve it.

He was assigned note takers in each class, a peer whose notes the teacher would xerox for him in case his own got messy.

When he started slipping, struggling, he would have peer tutors, kids in his class he would meet with in the library.

Senior year was the worst. He was struggling more than ever before. His father had doubled down since he didn’t get into college, would pretty much only talk to him to call him an idiot.

He was meeting Billy Hargrove almost everyday after school getting help with his Algebra. Yeah, algebra. He was a senior, in a class full of sophomores. But the formulas killed him, swam about the page like nothing ever had.

Billy was in AP Calculus B/C, the highest math class Hawkins High offered as a junior.

He swept into the private study room at the back of the library, Steve settled into one of the chairs already.

“Hey, Pretty Boy.” He kissed his head as he went past. Steve smiled at him.

“Hi, Bill.”

“How’s the math?”

“Fucking awful.” Billy took the sheet Steve was working on, grimacing at it.

“Yeah, Sweet Thing, these are, uh, these are mostly not correct.” Steve slammed his book shut, putting his head in his hands.

“I just can’t do this. I don’t know why this fucking chapter has been so hard for me.”

“It’s because you have like, nine formulas to memorize.” He got out a yellow notecard, writing out the formulas, the concepts for imaginary numbers, a few basic examples of factorials. They had found that the yellow paper was easiest for Steve to read on, Billy kept his handwriting crisp, big.

He slid it at Steve, between his elbows. He took his wrists, prying them away from his face, finding tears tracking down his face, his big eyes glassy.

“Hey, why the tears?” Steve just sniffed.

“Because I’m fucking stupid, Bill.” Billy used Steve’s hand to smack himself. Steve looked affronted.”What the fuck?”

“You know I don’t like it when you talk bad about yourself.” He made Steve smack himself again. “Be nice to yourself. Just because you’re struggling doesn’t mean you’re stupid. Because you’re not.” Steve was smiling lightly. “So, we’re gonna go through these problems slowly, and when shit gets wiggly, you tell me and we’ll give it a second.” Steve sighed, pulling the card closer, reopening the textbook.

“So, honestly I’ve been lost for like, a month.” Billy looked scandalized.

“Why didn’t you talk to me? You know I’m always happy to help you, Baby.” He stroked a hand through Steve’s hair, Steve dropping eye contact, his cheeks heating up.

“It’s just, it’s embarrassing. You’re so smart, Bill, and I’m, I’m not.”

“You’re plenty smart, Mac n’ Steve. Being good at school doesn’t mean you;re smart or not.” Steve gave him a Look.

“Whatever, let’s just work on this.” Steve huffed.

They spent forty five minutes working on Steve’s math, Billy flitting in between helping Steve and his own homework, flying through assignments like crazy while Steve had gotten steadily though four problems.

An hour and Billy was finished with his own math, his lab write up for the AP Chem section he was in with Nancy, and had finished half his assigned reading of Moby Dick, the densest book Steve has ever seen.

And Steve, Steve had done four and a half problems.

He slammed the book shut again, tears once again in his eyes.

“I’m done Billy. I’m over it.” Billy was back to him, cupping his face in his hands.

“Hey, I know it’s frustrating but-”

“No! No, Billy. You don’t know. You have no idea how frustrating it is to sit here, barely getting through my work while my fucking genius boyfriend just finished all his homework for the next week.”

Billy didn’t know what to say. There wasn’t much he could say to Steve when he got like this.

It wasn’t as though Billy was trying to make him feel bad, this school shit just came real natural to him. But he guesses that’s probably the issue, that he didn’t have to work.

He just grabbed Steve, pulled him until he slumped into his chest, taking a few shaking breaths.

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry so it’s hard for you, Baby.” Steve just whined, melted into Billy’s chest more.

“I have a headache, Bill.” He was getting pouty, which was always a good sign with Steve, when he got all cute, knew it made Billy weak. Billy kissed the top of his head, rubbing the spot above his ear, the spot Steve always complained about.

“You wanna go home? We can have a little fun before we keep truckin’ with your math.” Steve wiggled a little, shuffling to look up at Billy.

“Depends on what kinda fun you mean.” Billy smirked, Steve’s eyes bright.

“You know what kinda fun I mean, Pretty Boy.”

[kingneptunesthinninghead]

In your opinion, which fast food place has the best fries? i love me some mcdonald’s fries.

Are there hurricanes where you live? they happen every once in a while

What do you hate the most about yourself? I'd really rather not get into this right about now. same

What song are you listening to right now? nothing but catch fire by 5sos is stuck in my head.

What was your first concert? brad paisley 🤠.

What’s your favorite Johnny Depp movie? willy wonka and the chocolate factory

Who did you last say “I love you” to? My sister. probably same

Do you like pumpkin pie? it’s about the only pie i DO like.

Do you know anyone named Austin? no one i like

Do you know anyone who is having a baby? my friend just gave birth to a baby about a week ago

What was the last thing you cried about? i cried in the car on the way home from work last night while listening to jet black heart lmaooo.

Do you prefer regular or chocolate milk? i dont drink milk.

Do you think you are an argumentative person? Definitely not. agreed, i’m conflict avoidant to a fault

How many deep dark secrets do you have? i dont think i have any

What was the spiciest thing you’ve ever eaten? the hot wings from bonchon were pretty f’n spicy

Who last called you sexy? i dont remember

Would you class yourself as a good role model? i think for the most part

Are you scared of the dark? sometimes i am

Do you have a motto? nah.

Who did you last see on webcam? my club committee from school

Do you need a haircut? i just got one about a month ago so not atm

How would you react if your mother told you that she was pregnant again? that would be impossible considering she’s in menopause and has her tubes tied

You log into Facebook and see the red ‘1’ notification next to the message icon. Who do you want it to be? no one i hate facebook

Would you rather exercise alone or with other people? most of the time alone but sometimes i’ll exercise with my sister or in a structured workout class

What is the most difficult or involved video game you’ve ever played? any bc i suck at video games

Ever watch the show Supernatural? nope

Ever heard of flavored honey? If so, what’s you’re favorite flavor? i’ve heard of it but never tried it

Do you remember what your favorite show was when you were little? i went thru hardcore icarly and victorious phases, also LOVED spongebob

Do you put anything besides cheese on grilled cheese sandwiches? sometimes i’ll do bacon on mine

When it comes to books, what do you think is the “perfect” amount of pages? the length of a book has never deterred me from reading it, ever.

Would you ever be interested in going scuba diving? maybe

Out of all of your friends/relatives, who would you say has the best vocabulary? not to toot my own horn but me

Are any of your fingers or toes deformed? What about the nails? no

When is the last time you cried? didnt i already answer this

Would you ever date somebody that has been divorced more than once? mm prob not

What are some stereotypically nerdy things that you like? i guess marvel and space would count

Have you ever attended a wedding that ended where the bride and groom didn’t actually get married? What happened? no but i’ve attended several weddings of people who have quickly divorced

What scares you the most about becoming a mother (hypothetically, if you don’t want to have children)? raising them to be a good well adjusted person.

Would you ever want a job in fashion? What would you enjoy about that type of job? prob not

Would you ever be a surrogate mother? nope

What do you think would be the best and worst parts about being a twin? i would love having that strong of a bond with someone and having someone to go thru life with but i would also feel like i never had anything that was truly mine esp in early childhood

Do you feel that your childhood was more rough compared to others around you? my childhood was great compared to a lot of peoples and i’m extremely thankful for that

How would you react if you found out today that you were actually adopted? i would feel betrayed that i’d lied to for 20 years

Have either of your parents ever cheated on one another before, that you know of? How would you react if you found out today that one of them cheated? not that i know of and again i would feel crushed and betrayed

Do you like cleaning and organizing? when i’m in the mood for it

How would you react if you found out you were infertile? If you don’t plan on having kids to begin with, what is a long-term goal you’d be crushed to find out was impossible to achieve? i would definitely be upset bc i want to have at least one biological kid but in the end i would find just as much joy from adopting a child and giving them a loving home.

Would you take your dream job if it were out of the country? it depends on what other factors are in my life at the time

Have you ever been robbed? no

Is anyone close to you an alcoholic? my friend at college and that’s not even a joke that’s genuine. i think he’s getting the help he needs tho which is good

Have you ever dumped anyone? no

What kind of tea do you drink? I hate tea. same it tastes like dish water

Do you know anyone in a gang? No, and I hope I never do. same

What’s the sweetest thing anyone has ever done for you? omg i still remember this bc i was blown away by how sweet it was. so in 9th grade i had one friend in my pe class and idek how we started talking but we just stuck by each other bc we didn’t have anyone else and we sat at our own table right by the teacher’s desk in health class and we actually became pretty close friends throughout the year well anyway i mentioned my birthday was coming up and she asked me what i wanted and i was like no you don’t have to and she was like do you want flowers and i was like sure why not and i didn’t think she was gonna actually do it but then on my birthday she shows up to health class with these beautiful purple flowers and i was so shocked that she actually got them for me so yeah i’ve never forgotten that ever. she moved away after that year and i never saw her again but i hope she’s doing well

What is your orientation? Gay? Straight? Metrosexual? straight but i have questioned before.

Have you ever done anything really dangerous or illegal with friends? nothing too wild

Name three feelings you’re feeling right now: bored, content, excited

And the reasons for these feelings? bored bc i’m at work, content bc i like the way my life is going rn, excited bc i get to go back to school and see all my college friends soon.

How do you feel about your life right now? pretty pleased at the moment

Is it easy for you to like yourself? Why or why not? no. it’s a conscious choice to like yourself that you have to make everyday and some days that choice is easier to make than others

What subjects come naturally to you? English, some aspects of science. agree with this, i’m very good at english and i understand some science

What subjects do not? MATH

Do you read more fiction or more non-fiction books? fiction but sometimes i like a good non fiction book.

How has today been for you? pretty good nothing too exciting

What did you do? watched tv and went to work

Are there any candles lit in the room you’re in? no

Are there any lava lamps near you? nope.

Do you like cats or dogs better? Cats. agree i have 4

Are any of your friends a pothead? yes, several

What’s a goal you’re trying to accomplish soon? start working out consistently again and get into therapy.

Are you a high maintenance person? nope

The last time you yelled as loud as you could, what was the reason? i was at a karaoke night

Have you ever been heartbroken? yep

Who did that to you? my ex crush

Did you go through an ugly stage as a kid? ohhhh yeah

The last type of sandwich you made or ate: a ham and cheese sandwich with pepperoni and mayo

The last time you spent most of the day in bed: when i was at school and i had stayed up until 6am the night before.

The last friend or acquaintance you made: my coworker

The last thing you took pictures of: a rainbow

The last time you were scared: when i thought a car was following me the other night

The last thing you looked up online: manic panic hair dye.

The last thing you disagreed with: i don’t remember.

Does your house have a separate laundry room? yep

Do your parents still help you financially? yes, a lot

Does your car have a backup camera? nope.

Have either of your parents ever been in trouble with the law? not to where they’ve been arrested

Have you ever had a pet that lived to be really old for its breed/species? my childhood cat lived to be 18 which was pretty impressive.

What was the last strong scent you smelled? my cat’s fart

Have you ever told someone to their face that they were ugly? no way

Is your bed against more than one of your walls? nope

Have you ever been attracted to someone’s parent? um yes some people i know have dilfs i’m sorry

Have you ever pole danced before? no

Have you ever broken into someone’s house? no.

Have you ever seen a live bat? yup at a beach house in the obx

What is the most amount of money you’ve spent on a meal before? i bought bonchon for my friends and i one time which was just about $100

Have you ever taken a woodshop class? no

How much time do you spend on Facebook, if you have one? as little time as possible.

Has a teacher ever made you hate yourself/your work? i had one math teacher in high school that consistently made me feel dumb bc i needed extra help to understand the concepts and couldn’t do mental math that fast so didnt like her

Have you ever been on the barrier or front row at a concert? closest i’ve been was second row

Are your parents supportive of you? yep

[selfcareparker]

(lovely anon) ok so this may sound so dramatic but; let me paint you a picture: i’m responding to your latest message, sitting on the edge of the sofa. i type in “lovely anon” into the search and see this longgg post come up and i’m like uhhh... i scroll down and see the people you tagged and literally. when i saw @ lovely anon. i . cried . like full on tears. my brother goes “what are you doing” “she tagged meeeee” and he continued what he was doing and didn’t care LMAOO but i was so emotional? i love and appreciate you too and aAH IM CRYING!! you’re just really sweet and i didn’t expect it at all and it was really lovely to be a part of something :’)

the kermit pic sent meee but yes yes yes!! when you start uni let me know, lol i’m so excited for you!! let me know how it goes cuz i’m literally hype hahah & yes we will be in our sad corners of the world, missing england but you’re right it’ll be sooooo worth it in the end!!! and oH i’m glad you talk to them lol i truly thought you like haven’t seen them/haven’t spoken to them this whole time😭 that would’ve been awful!

also i totallyyy get what your saying about the english speaking thing. and idk why you’re insecure (well i *knowww* bc it’s not your first language and you’re studying it in college so yuh) but your english is great :)))

lol yeah that makes sense.. my mom took french in college and she remembers NOTHING HDJSHSJ (the fact that you wanna learn MORE languages i- ahh i so admire you.. you literally know so many languages🥺) yea i mean you know a bunch of languages bc you know the base of words lol, but i wonder if because you know latin it’ll be easier for you to learn french? oh- oh wait you said it’ll be easier HAHHAHA

THERES SO MUCH EXCITING STUFF TO TALK ABOUT HDGSJSJSL it’s so wild to me that you can’t watch chaos walking :( i’m a professional hacker tho so i’ll try and find a way for you LMAO (by professional hacker i mean i literally have gotten multiple free trials and i’m pretty sure the hulu police are after me bUT ITS THEIR FAULT BC WHY IS IT SO EXPENSIVE???) i mean the movie was good? and cute? and funny? but yea don’t think it’s gonna be the most fantastic thing haha AND THE DOGGO AWWW (i saw it again today- or my today lol, saturday, aND THESE OLD PEOPLE CAME AND SAT IN FRONT OF ME AND MY FRIEND LIKE ITS A LONG STORY LMK IF YOU WANNA HEAR IT)

SHARK FILMS?!?!! PLEASE READING THIS I HAD NO IDEA YOU WOULD LIKE SHARK MOVIES TOO FHSKSHSHDJDJGAJAYSJS ok so i haven’t seen any of the classics (i’m working on it) but i would probably watch jaws to laugh at it? not like that lmao but like comparing it. OKAY BUT HONESTLY I BARELY KNOW ANYONE WHO LIKES SHARK FILMS AHHH OKAY im adding “the shallows” to my watchlist bc it sounds super good AND SAME AHSJD ANY BODY OF WATER IN A MOVIE I JUST KNOW ITS COMING LMAO watch me not go in the water anymore after seeing that picture HHDJSJ

WHEN I READ THIS I JUST GOT DONE TALKING TO MY MOM ABOUT THE MEG AND THAT SCENE WHERE THE SHARKKK JUMPEDDDD AND ATE THE OTHER ONEEEE AND THEN JONAS HAD TO DO- bro i cannot (i think that one is my favorite because i love me a bit of romance and the subtle romance hAD ME) 47 meters down PHEW could you imagine?? i try not to think too hard about it i’m like “don’t be dumb catherine, don’t put yourself in a dumb situation” (not autocorrect having “dumb bitch” ready i am not lying) and i literally understand... there is no other way to explain 47 meters down

i CANNOT watch horror movies, can’t can’t can’t, i literally hate them i cannot do it!!! the thrill is tempting and it’s cool in the moment but i cant lmao. i don’t have nightmares about scary things (for the majority of the time) but going to sleep i’m like oooohhhhhh shit 🥲 literally what you explained

music !!!! music !!!! music !!!! (u ever write a word and now it looks weird lmao) MY BROTHER DOESNT LIKE MUSIC AND ITS SHIT IM LIKE WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU- anyway, my music taste is all over the place i mean......... it’s crazy. earlier today i was listening to meghan trainor’s album “title” oUT OF NOWHERE, but just a few minutes ago i was listening to fall in love with me by earth wind and fire soooo lol .. megan is *chefs kiss*, i’m not familiar with stormzy🙈, harry styles.... IM SORRY IM THAT PERSON but i don’t listen to his solo music EEK i only listen to adore you... and not that frequently... the music video freaked me out... i like niall’s solo music a lot more, which i listen to a lot more. now. one direction. favorite. please & thank you. i have a playlist called “boy bands” and it consists of one direction and the vamps (obsessed with cherry blossom btw) but as you can see my taste is all over the place!! fr fr if i sent you what apple music has as my “favorites” it went from ariana grande to carrie underwood to glee (OBSESSED DONT LET ME TALK ABOUT IT) i mean please if you let me i will nonstop (hamilton HDJSH) talk about music all day😩 & NOOO UR MUSIC IS GREAT HAHSK IM NOT A BIG RAP PERSON BUT DOJA CAT IS MY FAVORITE!!

okay good, i’m glad :) i was just nervous that you did feel that way <3 and GOT IT HAHAJ healthy pressure is always good :’) my friend got me these pens cuz i love stationary and school supplies lol and was like “now you have to write something” soooo yea i feel that! and i saw you posted the ficcccccc literally so proud of you 🥺🥺 i’m trying to decide if i read it tomorrow or tonight..... sleep or a literal beautiful creation made by the sweetest person and is v v nice smut and college!peter and 4.7k...... sleep aint really calling no more.

GIRL ALL OF MY SENTENCES ARE TOO LONG HAHAHAH IN FACT THIS IS TOO LONG SOOO (also why am i 3 days late..😑) anywho it’s 1 in the morning so <33 lovely anon

🥰

oh my god the fact that you cried nearly made me cry too😭😭🥺🥺 (also, your brother LMAO), i wasn‘t even sure if you‘d see it but i immediately thought of you so of COURSE i included you <333

the hulu police lsjsjaiaik, girl i was ready to get a hulu membership when i wanted to watch big time adolescence and i couldn‘t find it anywhereee, and when i got to the payment it said i need a bank account that‘s based in the US or whatever. like bro i was about to pay you!! but i was forced to find it somewhere (and i did, on levidia,— not that i‘ve ever used it because it‘s illegal 😤 i would never!!! i‘d rather support billion dollar companies and spend my money on watching films that i can find for free 🥰🥰🥰 not

i‘ve found chaos walking online so i‘ll watch it som time this week!! also YES TELL ME THE STORY

okay so idk if you watched/are planning on watching falcon and winter soldier but i watched the first episode the other day and they were speaking french (just a few seconds) and I UNDERSTOOD SOME WORDS DLDJDJ and i was so proud of myself. i‘ve only ever learned french with duolingo lol (i only do like 5 mins a day and that‘s why i was so surprised that i understood some of it!!). and yeah apart from latin i feel like italian, german, french and english are all similar in a sense.. i mean obviously they‘re completely different languages but for example there are some grammatical constructions in french that i think i wouldn‘t understand if i only spoke english? so when i translate those things into english you can‘t directly translate them bc you say things differently, but when i translate them into german then it makes more sense to me. idk that‘s something i noticed so i feel like if you already know multiple languages it‘s easier to learn another language compared to if you only know one language and are trying to learn a second one. even if the languages aren‘t similar then i think you get the hang of it easier.

ikd slsjsjs also i don‘t want you to think that i‘m a linguistic genius or anything lmfao, like i‘m only fluent in english and german and i‘m just a wannabe (ew that word) polyglot sksj (yes i had to google polyglot— i do think learning ancient greek would be super cool tho? like imagine studying latin AND ancient greek, whew). and honestly i don‘t think i‘ll ever be fluent in another language bc i don‘t plan on living anywhere other than germany or possibly england and i‘m not dedicated enough to properly learn any other languages esp if i don‘t have anyone to speak the language with. but i still try my best and i just love language/languages as a whole so yeah i‘m happy & just learning as much as i can dkdjh🥰

(I guess language/linguistics are/is my passion (which sounds sooo lame lmaoooo) and the word passion comes from the latin word pati (i think💀) which means to suffer, and in german passion is called Leidenschaft which basically means suffering too, idk why i‘m telling you this maybe you know it already. but ok dumb fun fact, in german you can make compound words with as many words as you like, and the longest official german word is Rindfleischetikettierungsüberwachungsaufgabenübertragungsgesetz which is a law for the monitoring of labels on beef... this is such a dumb fact but i think about that word like once a day idk why dodjsjsj so... 👁👄👁)

but i‘ll stop boring you with my linguistics talk because truly i don‘t know much about languages but i am interested omg i‘m gonna shut up now.

now water + sharks. (so in non-covid times i always go to croatia with my dad during the summer, and even before ever watching a shark film i was always kind of scared in water.. but after watching so many shark films wldjdj HELP Like you know when you go deeper into the ocean and you can‘t see or feel the ground/floor? anymore.. then i just start imagining sharks. like i can‘t help it i just imagine a shark sneaking up on me or feeling something graze my foot ABD I JUST START FREAKING OUT SSKJSHSJ. idk. anyway kdkdh i do love the ocean/swimming though but the older i get the more i realise how fucking scary the ocean is ( even if we’re gonna disregard sharks)

your brother... what‘s wrong with him? HOw CAN YOU NOT LIKE MUSIC LIKE WHAT THE FAWK

OKAY BUT SAME ABOUT THE ADORE YOU MUSIC VIDEO DLDKDJSJSKSLSLKSKSJSHSH and yeah i have to say harry’s style (styles lol) as a solo artist isn‘t reaaally my cup of tea, and i only like the popular songs from his second album and the first album is only good when i‘m in the right mood (haven‘t actually listened to it in a while though, but kiwi is one of my all time favourites along with only angel but i hate the start, like it takes 40 seconds to actually begin properly). i like mgk and because of him i watched the dirt which is a film about motley crue, and now one of my favourite songs ever is same ol situation and i‘m into rock now lol. +++ justin bieber. I had a justin bieber cardboard cutout thingy😭 i was the biggest Belieber on earth when i was 13-16, but i didn‘t like his last album and tbh he‘s become a bit weird lately, BUT OH MY GOD. i Listened to his new album yesterday and i‘m in LOVE with the song hold on

i really like niall‘s music toooo!!!! And doja cat 😌😌😌😌 And THE VAMPS OG MY GOD. i got to see them live bc they were the opening/support act for little mix and ajdsjskslslsjsjsj. (Also i love concerts, some of the best memories of my life are concerts, i‘ve seen nicki minaj live 🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺 and justin twice and my heart fills every time i think about how excited i was, it was my first concert ever (16th of September 2016 😌) and i was the happiest person alive seeing justin drew fucking bieber (even if i‘m not tooo sure about justin nowadays)

i have a confession? Idk what hamilton is. I mean I‘ve heard about it and i keep googling it but i‘ve never watched it (is it even a film???? or like a proper musical? also pls tell me you grew up with high school musical. i have a few friends who didn‘t and it makes me so sad 😭😭😭 hsm is the best thing to happen to my childhood , the sooooongs— i still listen to some of them every week or month lool they make me so happy)

(Okay wait i was about to recommend some stormzy songs but you said you‘re not that into rap so i won‘t dksksjl)

What you said about my fic AHSLSLSJB (i wasn‘t sure if you sent an ask about it earlier? idk that might have been someone else, so if it was (and you‘ve read it already) i hope you liked it sksjsj i was...... unsure about it. and i have this reeaaallly long peter fic that i started writing in december and that‘s the only peter thing i currently want to write but also i can‘t because idk how to continue kddjj.) but I’m definitely getting back into writing i have a few blurbs that i want to write so 🥰🥰🥰

Oh and pls as soon as you read this let me know: violet or yellow? (it‘s just a tiny thing for my new theme slsksj)

[fmdrinaarchive]

new year, new rina...we preay ^^ the second muse i'm tackling for a plot call. all in all, 2020 was a p good year for her solo efforts and etc but there are still plots i'd like and just getting her more peeps in general, so take a peak below and let's make some magic

plots / small fact list / bio

quick info

lee nari born in busan and loved it as much a baby could

moved to america when she was two and stayed until she started high school

wanted to act but was always told she couldn’t

not for lack of talent but because of her looks so..not good

still, her friends said that being an idol was a sure fire way so she DID

and boom signed to bc but didn’t debut quickly

made her parents feel like they were right and she should just give up now

but when she did debut and wish got big?

they pretend like they love her online and horrible behind the scenes

her parents plus the company still push her to get her face done ( until this day )

her parents want her to do it so it’ll be easier to marry later

gets hate for being talent-less in wish as a singer and rapper

often called a visual hole, so she’s taken to wearing mask when she’s out

has horrible eye-sight so it’s either contacts or glasses

she still has her busan accent because her grandparents have it and she spends time with them a lot + she often visits

had panic attacks during likey era and legit bombed on stage

sat out for the rest of promotions and came back during heart shaker

but she wasn’t okay and still isn’t

got into a scandal because she hung out with friends during her hiatus when she claimed to be sick smh people

she is a bit shy but it mostly comes from her anxiety, once you talk to her she is p friendly

just down on her looks and tends to act reserved so she doesn’t drawn attention in large crowds

still wants to be an actress and hopes to become one this year

she also hates being in crowd’s

that’s a good amount i think...onto thread idea’s and connections, i’ve bolded the ones i’d really like! these general plots and idea’s that will most likely always apply until they been filled

idols who lived in america / speak english, nari doesn't speak it often personally but they could default to it around each other

a muse she bumps into because she often risk’s it all and doesn't wear her not glasses or contacts

someone who helps her find either of those lost items

someone who thinks nari’s family is picture perfect but gets a real look in a horrible way

other idols who's career eng goals don't with with their groups

someone who likes plants, she has a bunch of plants over her space

idol's who are interested in acting and ask her for advice or idols who are a fan

even give me an idol or so who dislikes her acting

[btxtreads]

ANOTHER TAG ASHJHJASD

extra long tag game (aka a tmi that no one particularly cares for)

tagged by @txthearteu​

tagging @markhyucknorenminchenji​ @qtsoobin​ @beomberry​ @txtdiaries​ and other people who wanna do it idk

ONE

tell me the first song that made you stan your current fave group and why did your faves attract you so much?

of course, none other than king943 hSJADJSAJHAS. He’s a little secret I’ll let you all in on: the first person I actually noticed in TXT was,,,,,,, Kang Taehyun hSDHJAHJSDAHSA but he wasn’t my bias. I just thought he was cute (also amused me bc my BTS bias was Taehyung and I found a guy named Taehyun cute), but I didn’t stan them then. I started stanning when I saw ONE DREAM.TXT where they talked to BTS and found them really cute and endearing. Looking into them, they were wild, and chaotic and so fun and also i got rEAAAALLY attached to Soobin. So here I am. There u go, my stanning story.

TWO

rule: answer the ten questions and write your own!

what’s your unrealistic goal for life?

becoming a famous actress or singer hJSHADJSA

if you had known that we would be in a global pandemic, what’s one thing that you would’ve done before things shut down (if they have for you)?

Went to a theme park. I miss going to theme parks 🥺

what’s an unconventional thing that you carry around with you when you go out?

hmmm most of the time i just go out with just my phone and money unless I need to bring a bag due to safety concerns/more items needed. So I’d say nothing unconventional.

favourite type of plushies and why?

God do I seem boring hsahsajjsa but i wasn’t too big on plushies. I had a gigantic teddy bear named Justin when I was a kid (it’s a bear with shades that my brother gave me) and I used to buy plushies whenever I’m in disneyland, it’s all in my sister’s reading lounge. The only plushie in my room now is a Mollang doll wearing like a blue shirt/dress, it’s my favorite rn It’s squishyyyy

favourite song right now?

right now, it’s Work It by Sabrina Carpenter.

something that you’ve always wanted to learn?

Dancing (i literally suck. i have no idea how. no joke), Vocal Lessons (had some lessons briefly for like a year but i stopped and want to take some again), music production, acting, hosting

tell a funny story about yourself (or just something that you’ve witnessed)

ok okok so one time in our class groupchat we were talking about class elections for officers. There were muse votes and some people were saying they want me to be the muse but i didnt want to bc i was busy with work. Then they started saying that they want me to be the muse and this guy that i rejected be the escort. while this is happening, i was simping hard for soobin in another chat. anyways, i got everything mixed up and accidentally sent the soobin simp stuff to the class chat and everyone thought i was simping for the classmate i rejected i was so asHAMED.

headphones or speakers? why?

speakers! idk i just like blastic the music loud.

craving any food right now? what are you craving?

anything with cheese

which music streaming platform do you prefer? why?

spotify since its free for me askjjksad someone pays for my subscription lmaooo

😌✌️

questions from cj to me:

android or apple? why?

APPLE because im loyal 😌 and i guess im just used to it so its easier to use for me + all my gadgets at home are mac

words of affirmation or physical affection? why?

I think there should be a good balance of both. The words will have the ability to give you this sense of comfort and satisfaction and you know just overall a peace of mind when you hear the right words??? and physical affection bc sometimes it’s just better to get a hug or a kiss isntead of talking yk? actions speak louder than words sometimes

bean bag or rocking chair? why?

Honestly, this would depend. If I’m reading a book and feeling very vintage with a hot cup of coffee, definitely a rocking chair. If I’m watching TV and basically just chilling I’d go for Bean Bag. I like maintaining the atmosphere.

do you view a half-filled glass as half-full or half-empty or an in-between? why? (go as deep as you can)

I view it as in-between, because there’s always room for improvement. There’s always things to change, and consider, and make better. There’s no such thing as perfect.

If someone were to grant your wish right now, what would it be and why?

Please stop corona right now and let everyone go back to their daily lives and please let me attend a TXT concert bls im begging on my kNEES

if someone were to give you anything you want right now, what would it be and why? (something that can be held)

Give me Soobin I just want to give him a hug. this is valid i can hold him

favorite season and why

Winter! Even if I’ve never experienced snow or winter before, the whole idea of snow is just really fun and endearing to me. One of my bucketlists is to see snow in real life. I think it has to do with the fact that I’ve always been this person to prefer the cold over heat.

what made you enter tumblr?

I’ve always been here! Just not in kpop tumblr. I’ve since deleted my old accounts and shame  but i came back to write. It’s always been so stress-relieving to me, to write without any expectations on my back because I’m thinking about grades or a competition. Also Soobin simping is a daily thing and I gotta release it somewhere man

are you happy with where you are in life right now? why or why not?

Yes. I may not be the richest or the prettiest, or smartest or whatever, but I have a good family that loves me. I have good friends that support me and I have TXT and BTS to help me cope when things get overwhelming. I have a job that gives me a little bit of income (it’s not too common for college students here to get jobs like in the US, most of them just focus on acads) and all the means to continue my education amidst the pandemic. So really, I’m grateful for where I am now.

to see the boys in real life but for it to happen only once in your lifetime, or to meet the boys via online fan meeting as many times as you can in your lifetime? why?

Why do you have to do me dirty cj,,,,, prolly online. I may not get to hug them or anything but I get to talk to them still. As may times as I want to. And as a girl whose sanity literally just depends on Soobin giggles rn it’ll be very therapeutic to me to see them and talk to them as much as I could, even just through a screen.

QUESTIONS FROM ME TO YOU:

Cinema or Netflix? Why?

Fire or Rain? Why?

What’s the worst experience you’ve had as a KPOP stan?

How do you handle stress?

Favorite Disney Princess and why?

Which fictional character do you say you relate the most to?

How did you get into KPOP?

What kind of merch you got 👀

Would you date a KPOP idol? What would you do if you do date one? (doesnt have to be your bias, just wanna see what y’all would do)

Would you rather be with someone you love but doesn’t love you back or be with someone that loves yu but you don’t love them back? (Or, as the Filipinos would say, Mahal ko o Mahal Ako)

THREE

rule: bold the statements that apply to you, italicize your aspirations, then tag nine people.

AIR ༉⋆͙̈

i have small hands / i love the night sky / i watch animals and birds when i pass them by / i drink herbal tea / i wake to see the dawn / the smell of dust is comforting / i’m valued for being wise / i prefer books to music / i meditate / i find joy in learning new truths from the world around me

FIRE ༉⋆͙̈

i don’t have straight hair / i like to wear ripped jeans and overalls / i play an organized sport / i love dogs / i am not afraid of adventure / i love to talk to strangers / i always try new foods / i enjoy road trips / summer is my favorite season / my radio is always playing

WATER ༉⋆͙̈

i wear bracelets on my wrists / i love the bustle of the city / i have more than one set of piercings / i read poetry / i love the sound of a thunderstorm / i want to travel the world / i sleep past midday most days / i love simply lit dinners and fluorescent signs / i rewatch kids shows out of nostalgia / i see emotions in colors not words

EARTH ༉⋆͙̈

i wear glasses or contacts / i enjoy doing the laundry / i am a vegetarian or vegan / i have an excellent sense of time / my humor is very cheerful / i am a valued advisor to my friends / i believe in true love / i love this chill of mountain air / i’m always listening to music / i am highly trusted by the people in my life

AETHER ༉⋆͙̈

i go without makeup in my daily life / i make my own artwork / i keep on track of my tasks and time / i always know true north / i see beauty in everything / i can always smell flowers / i smile at everyone i pass by / i always fear history repeating itself / i have recovered from a mental disorder / i can love unconditionally

FOUR

PERSONAL

name: -

nickname: rina

birthday: - 

zodiac: gemini

nationality: filipino

languages: english, filipino 

gender: female

sexuality: straight

height: 5′2 like 2 years ago, i probably grew like an inch or two 

BLOG STUFF

inspiration for muse: --

meaning behind my url: bts and txt fanfics to read hasjhsahj

blog established: ,,,,, i cant remember askjjksdjkdsa but the blog is only a few months old!

followers: 384!!! love yall 

FAVORITES

favourite animals: b u n n y y y y y

favourite books: CAMP HALF BLOOD SERIES BY RICK RIORDAN IM ZEUS’ DAUGHTER YALL

favourite colour: black, blue, purple

favourite fictional characters: Percy Jackson, Jaron from Ascendance Trilogy, Chimmy!!! hihi

favourite flower: white roses

favourite scent: coffee

favourite season: winter

RANDOM

average hours of sleep: 3-5 or 8-10.

cats or dogs: dogs because cats scare me

coffee, tea or hot chocolate: coffee!!! especially if it’s iced and sweet

current time: 12:21 AM

dream trip: California. Look I have the visa, pls miss rona. just leave so cali can just let me IN

dream job: actress or singer

hobbies: writing, reading, watching crackvids

hogwarts house: gryffindor

last movie watched: Work It (bc it has sabrina carpenter ahshsahsa i have low standards when we talk about Sabrina)

last song listened to: Helpless - Hamilton OBC

no. of blankets you sleep with: 1

random fact(s): if given the chance again, I would go on a date in high school. Also try to exert more effort in my appearance back then i looked like an honest to god M E S S (tbh i still do but now i have eyebrow liner on) hsajhsajhh

FIVE

10 things I can’t stop listening to (at the moment)

Run Away - TXT

Work It - Sabrina Carpenter

Euphoria - BTS

Song Cry - Yeonjun

Helpless - Hamilton OBC

Satisfied - Hamilton OBC

Journey to the past - Anastasia OBC

Lost in the Woods - Frozen OST

Perfect Song - Sabrina Carpenter

Friends - BTS

[doubletrucks]

more audrey pavlikovsky-decker hcs under the cut bc im just talking to myself

she’s fussy at night and has a hard time sleeping but as soon as boris starts singing the kitten lullaby and rubbing her back she falls asleep

u know the phrase it takes a village? they wrote that about theo and boris bc everyone around them knows that have 0 baby knowledge between the two of them so everyone steps in and tries to help

hobie is the world’s best grandpa he loves audrey to DEATH and is always willing to answer theo’s panicked late night calls. when audrey gets older she loves to sit in the shop and learn from hobie, which he calls airborne genetics from theo

aunt pippa is always good for a walk in the park and babysitting for the night when she’s in town (even tho theo and boris cringe when she calls it their date night)

theo panics and buys like 80 parenting books online and him and boris both skim the same ones and manage to come away with opposite takeaways somehow but all that matters at the end of the day is that audrey is fed and healthy

mrs barbour also loves audrey and she gives theo all of kitsey’s old clothes to dress her up in

boris and theo are both shocked at how instantly they fall in love with her and they have moments where even if they can’t say it they look at each other and theyre just like holy FUCK this is our baby and we would die for her no meme. theo in particular is SUPER anxious for the better part of a year because he can’t fathom losing her after everything that’s happened so he stays up watching her breathe every night for months 

they’re both determined to give her better than what they had.... corny but true

she has soooo many nicknames in several different languages

boris speaks to her a lot in russian and polish but not enough to override the amount of english she hears every day so she knows a lot of specific words and phrases in other languages 

theo is determined to give her his weird idealized new york city childhood so they spend a lot of time in central park and riding the subway and on good days he takes her to museums

they always reference vegas around her and she gets soooo mad when they won’t tell her the specifics until one day when she’s older and visiting they’re having a drink together and they finally tell her about all the shit they did and she’s just like hm. honestly cool but also sort of hypocritical that you guys made me like, go to school and not do drugs as a teenager

she goes to hippie schools bc her dads hate the idea of her being stuck in some boring traditional class

boris is fast friends with a lot of the moms in audrey’s class bc hes wildly charming 

theyre the subject of a lot of speculation on parent teacher days. everyone wants to know if audreys dads are gonna show up so they can try and figure out their like...... Whole Thing 

they have gotten many, many notes home about audrey swearing

she’s a fashion icon from a young age but honestly do you expect anything less from a pavlikovsky-decker

she loves to hear stories about her grandma and theo finds that telling audrey makes it a little easier every time 

even as a little kid she is a MASTER arguer, which they both find hilarious. boris calls her their little lawyer (not that he wants her to go into law bc fuck that)

they spend a lot of time watching movies together-- old favorites of theo and boris’s and theo’s mom, and even occasionally a movie that theo’s dad liked 

audrey is a major drama queen which each of them secretly thinks she got from the other (she knows the truth-- they are a family of dramatic bitches) she fully insists that she’s dying on days when she doesn’t want to go to school

she doesnt really get theo’s whole art thing, but she’s super into poetry and they have a lot of philosophical talks about what it means to love a piece of art 

she grows up super politically active and into communism, and boris is always so proud when she says she’s going out to a protest

eventually she becomes a writer and publishes under the name audrey z.b pavlikovsky-decker and refuses to shorten it 

[slightlymore]

Hi I'm new to this page and I saw a couple of asks about languages. I was curious about how many languages you know, and which one was the hardest/easiest. I also wanted to know if you have any websites or apps to help with fluency in Korean or Chinese, or any tips in general. And I love how organized your master list is! It's so pretty 🥰

hi!!! thank you so much omg!! ❤️

I speak fluently Romanian, Italian and English, then I'm intermediate in French, German and Russian (and I'm beginner?? lol in Korean,,, but it's kinda awkward to mention since I only know basic stuff. also I took Japanese and Chinese before and I know some basic stuff but I also feel awkward mentioning bc I can't really have a conversation in those languages,,,,😔)

as for apps or tips Im not really sure bc I learnt my languages in a very traditional way (in school and courses in class). but, I have to say that I learnt English basically online thanks to media and internet so that's the best way to learn it imo. also, it helped a lot to translate stuff from said language into my own language (I used to translate like kpop news articles or subtitles of kpop video bc I wanted to understand them lmao) and I started to remember most words because I was "studying" something related to something I liked, which is kpop

so, tl;dr

start by consuming media to get used to the sounds (we already do with korean so one step it's done)

be curious, research how the language is made, is it part of a certain family or group? how is the grammar? is there something similar to your own language? is it subject + verb + object? is is object + subject + verb? etc

use apps (such as duolingo) just to get a few words down. learn the alphabet or writing system

when your bias tweets something, try to read it. try to translate it word by word. research what certain words mean. why did they use that form? chances are you'll remember words much easier this way

try to reply to them in Korean. what would you say? try to create sentences. learn them. make an effort to write a lot if you can. you can listen to someone talk in Korean and you have to try to write it down by ear and see if you got it.

now you're a beginner. at this point you won't get better by only doing that. now you can perhaps use a book of exercises + doing what you've been doing so far. watch videos with korean subtitles instead of English. try to read it while listening to them talk. if you don't know what something means, stop the video and translate it

this is what I've done with English lol and it worked very well with my type of brain. it's definitely working with korean too in my case

[laundryandtaxes]

Do u have any tips 4 becoming financially independent during this? I’m a college student w/minimal work exp bc my family always assured me they would “take care of things” but this @home isolation made me realize 1 they’re not that rich n 2 they are becoming increasingly controlling.i was never taught about money. Idk how to look for work at a time like this. I don’t qualify for most benefits bc I’m a dependent that doesn’t work (in IL btw). If you have any advice I’d appreciate it.

I honestly am not sure I have any relevant advice on how to become financially independent DURING this time. Once you have a degree, I know several people who speak generally well of doing online English tutoring or other kinds of online tutoring, and plenty of places are hiring stockers and such right now but it does mean exposure, and I don’t feel good encouraging you to expose yourself if you don’t absolutely have to. The baseline answer is to get your own money- it doesn’t need to be a lot, it just has to be enough for you to live independently. You can figure the rest out- it really isn’t hard. But finding income is clearly really difficult right now. My suggestion would be to first secure some income, but that is very much easier said than done right now and I would not do it if it means exposure. I’ve had people ask me before whether they should move out of a household with homophobic parents without a job, etc, and my answer is honestly generally no. The most important things are food in your belly and a roof over your head and I do not feel good advising someone to turn away from those two unless we are talking about a level of abuse that is so severe that starvation is better. If you’re not in that situation, my advice is to sit this one out, wait for things to level out, and then just start working somewhere and save up. I moved out at the age of $17 with maybe $2,000 to my name total and it worked out just fine, but it’s because I was working full time at the same time that I was starting college. Sorry I couldn’t be more helpful here but I really hope things go well for you! 

[itsdaniclayton]

I went to see Frozen 2

FINALLY it finally came out where I live. It was an Experience and here's what happened and my thoughts (spoilers ahead, if you haven't seen it don't go on reading) (under the cut because it got long, oops):

First we need context: I live in a Spanish speaking country and Disney movies are usually dubbed. They only are available to watch in English with subtitles in some theaters usually at 10pm or later and only for like two weeks. So it's a very particular group of people the one that goes to see it in English and more so on the day it comes out.

There were two guys sitting in the row in front of me and both had purchased the Frozen 2 reusable cups (which were quite expensive) (will attach a picture at the end of this) and the moment they sat down one of them said in a quite loud voice "this is full of homosexual women".

A bunch of girls sat on the row behind me and they talked non stop during the ads before the movie and then during the credits but were surprisingly silent during the movie.

When the Disney castle came on screen with that song from the first Frozen I was immediately thrown back to 2014 when I went to see that one the day it came out and man life was so much easier back then, I wanna be 17 and just graduated from school again.

The. Entire. Theater. Lost its shit with every. Single. Word. Olaf uttered. Like I'm not joking. That's what hell is probably like.

The second Kristoff came on screen I was like I LOVE HIM SO FUCKING MUCH and my friend shushed me.

Olaf's recap of the first Frozen was actually so funny and well done.

I might be biased on this but Kristoff's song is literally the best thing that's ever happened in cinematic history and I'm so glad they gave Jon Groff the song he deserved. That whole part felt like a collective fever dream. Will be listening to that on repeat from now on.

I ABSOLUTELY ADORE Kristen Bell's singing, like yeah she sang in the first Frozen and all but what she sings in this one, especially The Next Right Thing, were so fucking beautiful. Please Mrs Bell sing more I beg you.

The smol salamander is fucking adorable.

Spoiler. It was so obvious from the very first scene that it was the mother the one who had saved the father. And I am Tired of Disney doing that one plot twist where one character is presented as Good and it turns out they're actually mean greedy assholes. Was Not a fan of that.

Spoiler. I didn't cry with The Next Right Thing because it was obvious that Elsa wouldn't actually die BUT I was in tears when Anna and Elsa reunited. It was just so pure and I HATE that the moment was ruined by the entire teather laughing at Anna's antics.

I wish Olaf hadn't been remade so the theater would have just shut up for one fucking second ffs it was so annoying.

Spoiler. LOVED the ending, loved that Elsa is living the good life in the woods with her girlfriend (I don't remember her name but you know the girl who she talked to by the fire at night? That's her girlfriend) and LOVED that Anna is the Queen, it's what she deserves and I'm proud of my baby.

Anna and Kristoff are so fucking adorable and I really REALLY hope that they do what they did with Tangled and do a short with their wedding because if they don't I will go to Disney studios and riot.

Anna actually said this to Kristoff, this is a direct quote from the movie (well maybe not direct bc I might not be remembering it exactly as it was but you get the idea): "I like you better in leather" and I LOST MY SHIT, I couldn't stop laughing and my friend didn't understand until I made a joke about it and she lost it too, but like, it was right there and I have a dirty mind and you cannot tell me that line wasn't thrown in there with dirty connotations. They knew exactly what they were doing.

During the credits the girls behind me went on talking and one of them was like "the woman who voices Elsa is called Idina Mensomething" and I, who only got into Frozen in the first place because of Idina and Groff, lost 15 years of lifespan.

They also said something that I was thinking while watching. It doesn't feel like the movie was made for the kids. Like sure good ol' Capitalism played it's part but I felt like the plot is a bit overcomplicated for small kids? Like a lot of things happen and there are a lot of explanations about a lot of things and I can see it being confusing. And some of Olaf's thoughts were hard to follow. But idk because I'm not a kid and I don't remember how smart I was at 6 years old.

I actually enjoyed the movie a lot and I can't wait to see it again (won't be paying cuz I'm poor so whenever it's online).

Guess I'm Frozen trash again folks. Six years dormant, it's going to be Bad.

Here's the picture of the cup I mentioned before (I needed my friend to restrain me from buying it):

[kangseluigi]

ANOTHER personal post bc I deleted my facebook since no one reads that shit anyway and I need to let it out somewhere so THERE

I am…deeply damaged, by many things, but especially by my first “real” fandom???

Like, yea, I was hardcore into like Sailor Moon and Pokemon and Britney and shit as a kid, but that doesn’t really count for me. The first real fandom to me, was the first one I really spent my own money on, on merch, concerts etc. The one I was pushed into bc a “friend” tried to use it to exclude me from her talks with her best friend, so I had to learn it all v quickly to keep up with them and not be excluded every. single. time we spent time together. Her friend was cool with me and just focussed on topics we could all talk about or would explain things I didn’t get, but the other one, wow.

And now that I’m saying it, I realise how much deeper it goes than i realised.

I learned all that cryptic shit about the band within days and learned every song, which album it’s on, downloaded a whole bunch of pictures and forced myself to become obsessed within a week or less, just so I could join their talks. Of course that didn’t help me, because she only became annoyed with that and ended up mocking me for being too obsessed and all kinds of shit, or would change the topic to another thing I wasn’t involved in, like their shared trip to Paris, which I would never be able to catch up on.

And nowadays, I sill have a habit of forcing myself to “learn” fandoms in days and after 24-36 hours of obsessing (sometimes with a little pre-game/getting to know phase these days though) I just become so fuckin burned out I cannot enjoy it for at least another full day, sometimes a week or anywhere in between. It sucks.

But the whole situation, having been forced into it only to be ridiculed again, ended up pushing me even deeper into that fandom, because I guess, in the beginning, I thought if I love it enough, it will get me accepted as a real fan, but of course things only got worse. More people thought i had lost it for being that obsessed with the band, having no other topic anymore. On the other hand, the band had all these messages of their fans being their family and connection and whatnot. The kind of bullshit that a teenager with abuse at home and angry/overworked/stressed/… parents with no time for anyone would absolutely run into to feel a little taste of family and comfort.

It completely spiralled out of control. I was existing only for that stupid fucking band. I was existing entirely online and for the times I could go back online to talk in chat groups and message boards and whatever the fuck it was we had back then, to talk to other fans, some of whom actually became my friends, and stalk the shit out of that band. Any and every update had to be documented and I had to know it. Every picture, no matter how intimate. The shit I had found out about the band in the end was unhealthy! Pictures buried so deep in the web, because they were so personal, not even the most deranged fans would dare re-post them, but I ended up saving them just to be safe, just to have something. I honestly disgusted myself at that point, but I couldn’t stop, somehow. And I still find it gross, but I also know I was maybe 17 at the time I went that far out. My dad had just died, I was grieving, I was lonely more than anything, I felt like the only actual family who had still cared about me was gone, I needed something to hold on to and went into all the wrong directions.

But despite all the deeply intimate things I knew by then, there was one big issue I had somehow managed to keep missing, until they released a video for a song that upset me on such a deeply subconscious level, that I didn’t even know why, until it built up enough to cause my first real flashback.

There was a lot of drama about it within the fandom. A few of us who actually were triggered through the video into reliving our most traumatic moment, while everyone else still praised the shit out of them and told us we were just horrible for implying anything.

We didn’t imply anything. We just said we had a hard time dealing with it. But that didn’t stop threats of violence and death, even from people I was friends with until that point.

But amongst all that, one of the friends, who had already left the fandom to the most part at that point, told me the one big thing I had kept missing: The lead singer is a rapist. He especially goes for underage girls, but ultimately, it’s all the same.

There were enough stories about it out there and even if I think one or two may be made up—oddly enough the favourable ones seem the most unlikely—I think with that amount of stories, including things my friend has seen herself, it’s pretty evident that it has happened. And once that veil was lifted, I could see it. Maybe it’s my imagination, but some signs have always been there, and many people have said the same to me over time, some who knew, and some who didn’t. But that look is there, and cannot be trusted.

This whole thing just messed with me. It messed hard with me then. I had my trauma before, but I had had it well-repressed and buried so deep in my psyche only bits and pieces came bleeding through in the weirdest ways. Not enough for anyone to notice and only for me to occasionally wonder why I’m always returning to this specific topic. (Shit, I still have the hardest time using the term, especially when applied to me…) But now I also had flashbacks, and the knowledge that for the second time now, someone I thought I loved and thought—for some reason—loved me (In a way), was actually this kind of asshole, was a goddamn rapist, and had deceived me so horribly, only for me to go through the pain and trauma all over again.

I’m still thankful I had LInkin Park at the time, to be honest. I know y’all love to make fun of them, but they were there when I was bullied at 12-13 years old and felt all alone in the world, just when “Numb” came out. Translating their lyrics is how I learned english and at that point, Chester screaming in my ears alone, was often the one thing able to keep me from dissociating every 5 minutes, but moreover, he was screaming about the exact trauma that had come to the surface, that I wasn’t equipped to handle in any way, and I just knew I wasn’t alone with it, I knew he understood. It was a little comfort keeping me from losing it entirely, and it gave me some hope that if he could make it through the same bullshit and come out on top, I could, too. Of course, a few years ago that hope got shattered, but that’s another story.

The thing about this whole experience though, is that I still suffer from it. Not only can I still not look at that shitbag’s face without rage and sickness and pain—although it’s getting easier, not that I’m trying to look at him, but he’s unavoidable these days, fucking horrible. I can never listen to their songs again, not that I want to. Even karaoke versions or covers make me run out the room with massive panic attacks. Especially the songs from the same album as the song that triggered it all. The last time someone covered their song at an event I was at, I nearly threw myself off the balcony in the hotel lobby as I was trying to get away from it, because I was that terrified and in that much pain from hearing the first line alone.

And thinking about it, maybe that’s why I no longer go to events. I told myself it was finances, but i just don’t wanna run into that again. Ever. I’m so, so thankful the same friend who had informed me of it all back then was standing by on twitter to talk to me. Typing and reading is good to get your head out of it. It’s a mental and physical sensation and forces you to think of something else, even if it’s only spelling, and I could talk to her to calm tf down.

But mostly, I’m thinking about the very, very deep sitting trust Issues towards famous people and fandom I have developed through all of it. Up to this day, I cannot trust anyone who is famous. Riches being bitches is one problem, an intellectual one for me, mostly, but this is something else.

As soon as I see someone enjoying their fame—especially white men—I get suspicious, because it’s so much like him. What if they too are like him? What if they too only want fame to attain girls they can violate? What if? How could I allow myself to like someone like that ever again? How can I allow myself to fall for this stunt again? I can’t. That’s it. I see you enjoying your fame, I cannot trust you, to protect myself, if nothing else. To not accidentally promote someone who’d do those things. To not accidentally promote them to someone, who’s led right into the trap and has to endure what so many others already had to endure, what I had to endure, even if in my case it wasn’t even a famous person.

So I shy away from anyone who seems a little too “Type-A” or too joyful about their status as celebrity or… too talented, too inhuman. I don’t even know. A lot of it comes down to the eyes, and sometimes I’m definitely right, but in some cases even I am not sure if I see it, or if I’m just scared I don’t see it when I should. (Does that make sense to you?)

On the other hand, sometimes I am certain I don’t see it, and my brain goes into overdrive, running around in circles. We don’t see it, so does that mean it’s not there, or that they are that good at deceiving us? We’ve been deceived before, we failed to see it before, who says we won’t fail this time? Do we see it now? Maybe we only think we see it because we are scared and a little paranoid. But maybe-

it’s a never-ending circle. (Kind of the definition of a circle, isn’t it?)

Every time I see a famous person I want to trust be so visibly human, and warm, or shy, and just likeable, I trust them a little more, and want to trust them a little more, and that is exactly what makes the alarm bells go off in my brain! it’s ridiculous.

Yet, every time I see the same person interact with, say, a child, I freak the hell out.

This is not normal in any way, and it cannot be, and it shouldn’t be, I shouldn’t constantly be afraid of what thoughts some adult man has towards children, literal gd toddlers in frilly dresses. I cannot keep thinking that being nice to a toddler has an ulterior motive, because it’s wrecking me the hell up! Yet here I am, unable to shake those thoughts and I don’t know what to do about it, or how to feel about myself. I was angry at myself a lot today, partly because of that. But I’ve also been deeply depressed lately, partly because so much of my actual trauma came up again and again, and now it’s not going away. I cannot even listen to remix versions of that one Lady Gaga song the band once covered, because it all brings me back (and How very shitty for a rapist to cover a song by a rape survivor too). Even worse, because that song is in my workout game.

I don’t want to have to think about all this all the time anymore, I don’t want my brain to constantly suspect the worst in people, but I cannot fucking shake it off.

I know I’m getting better, generally. I know I’m breaking through some of my fears and all, but I also know I may never be ready to actually speak about this topic with another soul. Therapist or not, no one will ever achieve the level of trust I need to open up about this the slightest bit. If someone were to approach the topic (to talk about me, not themselves, that is), I’d shoot them down. I may actually fall into a panic attack and punch them and run away I don’t know. But this conversation is not going to happen, ever. So I really don’t know how to fix it, except keep fixing myself, but I just don’t know if I can this time.