#because doctors HATE long covid and things that are possibly related to long covid

[healingheartdogs]

How does one go about getting tested for MCAS...

[sideshow-tornado]

I hate it when it’s Friday night but it’s not the weekend yet, because I’m working tomorrow (and even worse obligations with family tomorrow afternoon).

I’d say at least I’m off Monday, but that’s not a good thing because it isn’t paid time off. Nope. I’m still on reduced hours while one of our doctors remains hospitalized with COVID related pneumonia. It’s going to be a long recovery for her. And the corporation I work for is slow to find us temporary or possible long term/permanent provider replacement. So we’ll continue to be budgeted for half of our staff until they that changes.

I already took a 30% pay cut for this job from my previous one and other than a shorter commute and a tad less responsibility it’s not giving me much else.

Already living that austere purse string tightening lifestyle. Bout to have to look into selling plasma or if there is any subgenre of SW that I might be suited for.

[neednothavehappenedtobetrue]

here are some scripts, ranked in order of how difficult the scripty thing will be to do.

easy mode: "hey Boss, I am, as you know, having a bit of a medical situation, it is not an emergency, but I will be taking X day off to do some routine maintenance"

do not overexplain! do not tell him anything additional! it would be fine if you did, but also, don't!

medium mode (I am terrified of haircuts and therefore hair stylists, sorry about the person I am) "hi! you will notice that my hair is quite dirty. this is because I have been having trouble washing it often because of a medical concern I have that I am getting fixed. I am sorry about this! no, I do not know exactly how long it has been since I washed it, but because of the medical stuff my memory is quite bad, you are probably best equipped to make a guess, as a hair expert person. the medical thing is not COVID-related or otherwise contagious, and I am getting it addressed ASAP. please do not make jokes about this, I am very self-conscious about it.

what's the medical problem? "they're adjusting a medication I take that can sometimes cause fatigue, and forgetfulness and generally make it hard to do stuff" be pleasantly vague! if they ask you really persistently, just say "depression" but probably they will not.

if at all possible, do not tell them that your last hairstylist made a joke about you inadequately washing your hair and you hated it. they do not require this information. practice not oversharing QUITE so much.

hard mode: doctor! (this part gets Really Explicit with the details of my ED, so it is under a cut, only read it if knowing how many meals/calories I eat a week will not trigger you, please do not trigger yourself, I'm sorry but I think if I do not put this here I will not say it, so it needs to go here)

-"hi doctor P, so I made this appointment to talk about a concern I have been having for some time, but now I have two concerns. my initial concern is that I have been experiencing some nausea, particularly bad in the mornings. I am definitely for sure not pregnant. I have been taking phenergan as needed, but not every day. I have only thrown up twice in six weeks, so it is not terrible, but it is also not great. I don't want to take too much phenergan because the hospital doctors told me it could cause heart problems and also I could get too used to it and have it stop working, how worried should I be about those things? sometimes in the morning, I do not feel nausea in my stomach, but I do start gagging or dry-heaving randomly. I have never thrown up from this but it is weird and also means I need to take Zoom calls with my camera off. do you have any ideas or suggestions?

also, a problem that might actually be a bigger problem is that I have recently-ish come to terms with the fact that I have an eating disorder. I have had it off and on probably since I was in my teens. it is not necessarily textbook, in that I am rarely or never preoccupied with my weight and rarely, although not never, restricting deliberately. it initially started when I got the idea that if I lost a lot of weight very quickly, my parents, who were refusing to let me do therapy or psych meds again, would consider it. I never got to a dangerous weight level and I do not remember how long or how much I restricted, but a problem that came from that is that ever since when I am particularly struggling with a mental health issue, like bipolar or depression, I tend to stop eating. part of this problem is that I am very forgetful and literally forget to eat, especially in the absence of real hunger cues. part of the problem is that it is hard to do multi-step tasks when I am depressed, and eating food requires me to stop whatever I am doing, get up, go to the kitchen, figure out what I want to eat, prepare it in some way, and then actually physically eat it. lately, I have been drinking a lot of delivery smoothies because they are easy and digestible, and sandwiches as well. the problem has been particularly bad this past month or so, in a way that I suspect is not entirely explained by those two factors. I am working with my therapist and psychiatrist to fix it. I know that ED can trigger or worsen gastroparesis and I know I should have told you earlier, but I haven't been able to be honest with myself about the severity of the problem.

-this past month, I have been averaging between six and ten meals a week, with some snacks as well. on a good day, I probably hit 1200 calories, on a bad day I don't know, but less than that for sure. on my worst day last week, I ate the meat and cheese inside of half a sandwich and drank some juice, but nothing else. on my best day I drank one and a half smoothies and ate part of a sandwich, which I recognize is still pretty bad.

I am working with my psychiatrist and psychologist on this issue. I have started to take Adderall again, but this is only the second day of me taking it, so meds-related appetite lost is not the issue here.

I cannot get ED professional mental health treatment because, since I am in grad school, my parents pay for all of my medical care and they fundamentally do not believe I have an eating disorder. this is because my mom, who probably has her own ED, thinks 1200 calories is enough for a human per day and also because I am overweight. I saw a nutritionist for three months pre-pandemic and we worked on getting me to eat three meals and two snacks a day, but my parents stopped paying for her because I was not losing weight. I have told them exactly and in detail how little I am eating and they still do not believe I should be eating more, so they refuse to pay for ED-related medical care for me. this is part of a pattern for them, I am working on it in therapy and part of working on it will be figuring out how to pay for my own medical care, but right now I am doing my very best.

I do not know how much I currently weigh or how much weight I might have lost. I do not keep a scale in my apartment, because I am certain I would get obsessive with it. my friends say I look like I have been losing some weight, but it is hard to tell how much.

I know ED is bad for gastroparesis and I am sorry, but I am doing my very best and still struggling.

what I need from you is suggestions on safe ways to get more calories and any other suggestions you have for successfully eating. I am happy to put you in touch with my psychiatrist if you feel that would be useful. my therapist is, just for this week, on vacation. I will see her next week and could connect you then as well.

I cannot see any ED-specific specialists, because my parents categorically will not pay for them. I cannot see a nutritionist or a dietician, same reason. I could potentially see a new gastroenterologist who deals with this stuff in more depth, but my parents will probably Google her, which might pose a problem, and also they have a specific gastroenterologist they want me to see, so they might just... refuse anyway to let me choose my own gastroenterologist. they are like that. however, if you know a GI doctor who knows a lot about both gastroparesis and ED and whose website is not too significantly ED-focused, that might be helpful, or it might not work.

I know this is bad, and I know I need to fix my life so they are not paying for my medical care, I am working on it, I promise. do you have any suggestions?

great! that is a script! also, if she is garbage about this, you can GET A NEW DOCTOR literally at any time, if it sucks, hit the bricks.

[flirting-with-psychology]

🌸✨WILDFLOWER-APOLLO’S 300 FOLLOWERS SPECIAL✨🌸

LETS GET PERSONAL!

1. what’s your full name? 

No

2. when’s your birthday? 

November 26

3. what does your URL mean? 

I like psychology and I like thinking about crushes

4. who’s your celebrity crush? T

om Hiddleston

5. are you single or taken? 

Taken

6. rant. let it all out babe. 

Fuck jobs fuck capitalism 

7. are you named after anyone? 

My grandmother

8. do you have or want children? if so, how many? 

Possibly, if so then 2

9. do you relate to any fictional characters? 

Yeah, several. The ones that come to mind are Gatsby and Queen Regina

10. do you have any plants? 

Yes

11. what are you currently wearing? 

A jumper

12. describe your aesthetic in emojis. 

I’m on my laptop lol, not gonna try to do a survey on my phone

13. do you have any bad habits? 

Oh yes. Procrasting, instant gratification, being late, eating like crap, obsessing over stuff

14. what’s your sexuality? 

Mostly straight

15. what’s the last song you sang? 

Currently singing The Rose Song from HSMTMTS

16. what are your favorite colors? 

Pink, green, blue

17. are you and introvert, ambivert, or extrovert? 

Ambivert

18. describe your current mood in emojis. 

Again, laptop

19. is there anyone you’d do anything for? 

Probably not anything

20. what fascinates you? 

Random stuff, currently chemistry, music, crafts, and space

21. favorite artists? 

Taylor Swift, Olivia Rodrigo

22. what outfit makes you feel confident? 

Fancy dresses

23. favorite flower? 

Idk

24. favorite season? 

Fall

25. favorite tv show/movie? 

TV show: Friends. Movie: Back to the Future

26. what do you like in a person?

Sense of humor, easy to talk to, common interests, attractive

27. least favorite color?

Idk maybe like muddy yellow

28. first crush?

Aidan in kindergarten

29. how long do you usually sleep?

When I don’t set an alarm, till like 1pm

30. what celebrity do people say you look like?

None really. I think I look like Lea Michele but I’m probably not that pretty

31. favorite scent?

Citrus

32. do you have/want any pets? if so, how many?

I don’t have any currently, I have had 4 cats and I want to get another cat

33. what color is your hair naturally? if you could dye it any color, what would it be?

Brown, I want to try a red ombre

34. do you have a good relationship with your parents?

Pretty good

35. do you take a yearly vacation?

No

36. what is your biggest fear?

Spiders

37. what do you wear to bed?

PJs or a nightgown

38. best memory?

Idk

39. best feeling you’ve ever experienced?

Probably when everyone liked my video or jokes, or when a crush likes me back

40. best gift you’ve ever received?

Half of the cost of my car

41. what’s your skincare routine?

Wash it once a day, rinse face twice a day, moisturize 

42. favorite book?

Harry Potter

43. favorite song?

All Too Well by Taylor Swift

44. favorite album?

It changes a lot, currently Sour by Olivia Rodrigo

45. share your playlist or a playlist you love!

Nah

46. dream destination?

I’d like to visit Ireland

47. best subject? favorite subject, least favorite?

Best was probably math, favorites were science and arts, least favorite was english

48. do you prefer baggy, loose, or tight clothes?

Semi-loose but with some form

49. punk or pastel?

Pastel

50. search your name + core on pinterest & make a moodboard!

Nah

51. if you could travel back to any time period, what would it be & why?

Medieval because i think it’s cool

52. do you have any piercings?

Just my ears

53. do you have any tattoos?

No

54. do you have any siblings?

No

55. are your parents together or divorced?

Divorced

56. do you have any stepparents or step-siblings?

No

57. are your parents strict?

My mom was kinda

58. do you have a set bedtime?

No lol

59. what state do you live in?

Colorado

60. what are your sun, moon, & rising signs?

Idk, I just know I’m a sagittarius

61. do you share any traits with your signs?

Idk, they’re pretty generic so that everyone feels like it describes them

62. what’s a song that gets you going?

Depends on my mood

63. sweet or sour?

Sweet

64. soft or hard tacos?

Idk, I don’t eat tacos too much

65. what color are your bedroom walls?

Pink and green

66. the color/design of your bedsheets?

Turquoise

67. favorite thing to drink out of?

A glass

68. socks or bare feet around the house?

Bare feet

69. favorite board game?

Lately Dead of Winter

70. favorite video games?

Among Us, Detroit Become Human

71. do you sleep with the fan on or off?

On

72. do you sing in the shower?

Yes

73. favorite song to belt at the top of your lungs when alone?

Satisfied from Hamilton

74. last thing you cried to?

Being stressed over job hunting

75. have you tried any alcoholic beverage before?

Yes

76. gum or breath mints?

Gum

77. favorite pair of shoes you own?

The pink wedges

78. how many pairs of shoes do you own?

Way too many, probably like 30 at least

79. what is the natural state of your hair?

A little wavy

80. have you had braces? if yes, how long?

Yes, for 4 years

81. makeup or natural?

Makeup

82. are you a competitive person?

I can be 

83. favorite pasta dish?

Pasta with cheese

84. favorite kind of chips?

Ruffles cheddar and sour cream

85. talk about something your passionate about!

Idk if I’m passionate abot anything

86. what are some of your hobbies?

Crafts, DnD, shopping

87. do you drink coffee? if so, how do you like it?

No

88. favorite kind of pizza?

White pizza with pineapple

89. favorite & least favorite labels that have been put on you?

Idk what labels have been put on me

90. are you religious?

No

91. were you raise religious?

Not really

92. what shoe size do you wear?

7.5-8

93. heroes or villains?

Depends on the character

94. favorite vegetable?

Corn

95. least favorite vegetable?

Broccoli probably

96. favorite dessert?

Chocolate

97. do you play any sports?

No

98. can you swim? if so, when did you learn how to?

Yes, when I was little

99. tell a funny story!

Idk

100. what job would you be terrible at?

Doctor or politician

101. what’s your favorite compliment to give?

Compliment their clothing or accessories

102. has your opinion changed on something recently?

I’m evaluating my opinion on how cautious I need to be for covid

103. favorite physical feature about yourself?

Maybe eyes

104. what’s your favorite physical feature about someone else?

I look most at faces

105. what’s something you would rate 10/10?

Galavant

106. heels or flats?

Heels

107. what’s something you had more knowledge about?

Does this mean wish you had? If so then chemistry

108. would you want to be famous?

I’d want to maybe be known by name but not by face

109. what’s something you would get arrested for?

Pirating TV shows

110. are you a planner or spontaneous person?

A mix

111. what do you hope never changes?

Being friends with my best friends

112. what are your pronouns?

She/her

113. are you a feminist?

For the most part

114. what’s your hogwarts house?

Hufflepuff

115. myers briggs personality type?

Idk, it changes every time

116. who’s your favorite superhero?

Idk maybe Thor

117. favorite villain?

Loki

118. marvel or dc?

Marvel

119. what’s an assumption everyone makes about you that’s not 100% true?

In school people thought I was bookish and didn’t care about parties or boys or that kind of stuff, and now that I’m out of school people think I’m ditzy and probably not that smart

120. favorite bands?

Taylor Swift

121. if you could meet one celebrity, who & why?

Taylor Swift because I like her music and I think we would get along

122. have you watched porn before?

A little

123. favorite disney movie?

Hercules, Aladdin, or Tangled

124. favorite disney princess?

Rapunzel

125. favorite disney prince?

Hercules or Aladdin

126. favorite disney couple?

Rapunzel and Eugene

127. star wars or star trek?

Star Wars

128. top five movies?

Back to the Future, Confessions of a Shopaholic, Timer, The Imitation Game, Tangled

129. top five songs?

All Too Well, In a Crowd of Thousands, Traitor, Me and the Sky, Satisfied

130. top five ships?

Idk. Currently I’m enjoying Gina and EJ from HSMTMTS

131. how gay are you?

Just a little bit, I have occasional crushes on girls but I don’t think I’d want to date a girl

132. scream. just let it out.

Ok

133. do you have a best friend?

Yeah

134. call or text?

text

135. what’s a song that’s been stuck in your head recently?

A lot of Olivia Rodrigo songs

136. is there a song stuck in your head right now?

Just the songs I’m listening to

137. what song(s) will you always love?

A lot of Taylor Swift and showtunes

138. what song is your current mood?

Idk, I just feel like singing

139. recommend an artist!

The girl who plays Ashlyn from HSMTMTS

140. favorite meme song?

They’re Taking the Hobbits to Isengard

141. a song you hate that everyone loves?

I Like It by Cardi B

142. an artist you refuse to listen to?

Most rappers

143. what’s you “big gay mood” song?

Idk, I Kissed a Girl?

144. favorite lyrics?

“You call me up again just to break me like a promise / So casually cruel in the name of being honest” from All Too Well

145. what lyrics would you get tattooed on any part of your body?

I wouldn’t

146. shuffle your music & share the result!

Knowing Me, Knowing You by Abba

147. what’s your favorite love song?

In a Crowd of Thousands

148. ultimate song to clean to?

Through the Fire and the Flames by Dragonforce

149. if you could collaborate with one musician, who & why?

Taylor Swift because she gets me

150. what song makes you cry?

Soon You’ll Get Better by Taylor Swift

151. what would be your theme song?

Blank Space

152. what’s a strange phobia you have?

Spiders aren’t that strange, so fear of having accidentally shoplifted

153. did you have an emo phase?

No

154. did you have a greek mythology phase?

Just a little

155. roman or greek mythology?

Greek

156. who’s your godly parent & which god/goddess are you?

Idk

157. how do you handle your anger?

Yell, slam things

158. most attractive singer of the opposite gender?

Ramin Karimloo

159. most attractive singer of the same gender?

Hayden Panettiere

160. what time is it?

12:03am

161. do you have any nicknames?

Star

162. what’s a song that always makes you happy whenever you hear it?

In a Crowd of Thousands

163. which swear word do you use the most!

Fuck

164. five ways to win your heart?

Sense of humor, sing duets, do creative stuff, tease me, pay attention to me

165. five pet peeves?

Mouth sounds, people who think strong female characters can’t have love interests, people giving me unsolicited advice, people wearing their mask under their nose, ghosting

166. do you have trust issues?

Maybe

167. what do you pray about?

I don’t

168. most traumatic experience?

Probably braces

169. what is your dream job?

Idk

170. if you were to be in a musical, which musical, character, & other cast members would you have?

I would love to play Angelica in Hamilton

171. who would play you in a movie about your life?

Lea Michele

172. what’s your favorite thing about your significant other?

Sense of humor

173. favorite fictional character?

Kelsier from Mistborn

174. post a picture of yourself!

Nah

175. what’s your favorite pet name?

I don’t really like generic pet names that much

176. what makes you feel like a horrible person?

Not caring enough about people

177. when did you realize your sexuality?

It was always kind of assumed, but started thinking I might be a little bi a couple years ago

178. when was your first kiss?

When I was 18

179. expose your parents. that’s right. expose them. they deserve it.

My mom is overly cautious and doesn’t know how to pick her battles, my dad is a bit annoying 

180. a phrase that breaks your heart?

Depends on the context

181. when did you come out?

I didn’t

182. how did you come out?

I didn’t

183. who knows you’re out?

I’m straight

184. what’s your lucky number?

Idk

185. how tall are you?

5′6″

186. favorite word?

finnicky

187. are you right handed or left handed?

Right handed

188. do you have an accent?

American

189. first word that comes to mind when you hear ‘heart’?

Beat

190. what’s something you’re proud of?

I made a funny meme in the work group chat the other day

191. do you like where you live?

I like the area, but I don’t like living at my dad’s house

192. when you’re older, do you want to move to a different place?

Yeah

193. do you play any instruments?

Clarinet

194. how long is your hair?

To my boobs

195. what’s the meaning of your name?

Star

196. give an unpopular opinion & let your followers attack you or be salty.

People shouldn’t be cancelled for one shitty opinion, and consuming their work doesn’t mean you support all their beliefs or even like them as a person

197. do you support the lgbtq+ community?

Yes

198. who were you supporting for the 2020 election?

Biden

199. opinion on abortion?

Pro-choice

200. opinion on the death penalty?

Against it

201. opinion on reverse racism?

It’s not the same

202. post your screen time for this week.

Like all damn week lol

203. have you ever talked to a celebrity?

Yes, I met Channing Tatum and got a picture with him

204. what was your first concert?

Demi Lovato

205. how long do you keep your bra on?

All day

206. what’s your bra size?

36D last time I got one

207. give a tour of your room (video).

nah

208. how many photos are in your camera roll?

2990

209. what is the most recent movie/show you downloaded on disney+?

Phil of the Future

210. do you like documentaries?

Occasionally if it’s an interesting subject, but it’s not my favorite genre

211. what’s your favorite musical?

Wicked

212. who’s your favorite non-broadway actor/ actress?

Benjamin Bonenfant

213. who’s your favorite broadway actor/actress?

Ramin Karimloo

214. what’s the song you’re currently listening to?

A Dancer’s Heart

215. drop your most recent picture!

Nah

216. do you have a record player?

No

217. how many records do you have?

None

218. show your records!

None to show

219. do you plan on going to college? if so, where?

I went to my state school

220. talk about someone without telling who.

They used to wear light up sneakers

221. talk about something you hate.

I hate tomatoes and everything made out of them

222. have you been to therapy?

Yes

223. what color are your eyes?

Brown

224. what color are your parents’ eyes?

Hazel for my mom, Hazel-green for my dad

225. what color are you significant other’s eyes?

Hazel

226. how old were you when you had your first kiss?

18

227. do you have a favorite parent?

No, they are good in different ways

228. are your grandparents still alive?

Just my maternal grandma

229. drop 10 songs & let your followers tell you if you have taste or not.

That’s too much work

230. how many followers do you have on twitter & instagram?

Like 3 probably lol

231. are you the eldest, middle, or youngest sibling?

Only child

232. do you have a specific daytime routine?

Work

233. how often do you go to the doctor’s?

When I need to

234. have you had any surgeries?

Yes, for my canine and wisdom teeth, and to get part of my thyroid removed

235. do you wear glasses?

Yes

236. do you prefer unsweetened iced tea or sweetened iced tea?

Sweetened

237. do you have a “type”?

Yes lol. I like a lot of types but my “type” that I fall for a lot is light skin, dark hair, blue eyes, "golden boy”/big personality

238. what’s your significant other’s astrology sign?

I think Sagittarius

239. drop 5 blogs you love.

Idk

240. do you think you’re like any celebrity (personality wise)?

Maybe Taylor Swift in some ways

241. are you a “popular kid”?

No

242. what are your school’s colors?

Black and gold

243. what’s your school’s mascot?

Buffalo

244. how many irl friends do you have?

Idk

245. who was your least favorite teacher?

My camera workshop instructor

246. favorite teacher?

My 7th grade math teacher, my freshman year words and music professor, and my junior year film professor

247. drop a picture of your closet.

Nah

248. how many awards do you have?

Idk, a handful

249. what’s one award you’re proud of?

The dean’s list

250. do you take naps?

I try not to

251. what’s something people always ask you when you first meet?

What’s your name?

252. favorite fast food restaurant?

McDonalds or Wendy’s

253. favorite place to dine in?

Rueben’s

254. mexican or chinese food?

Mexican

255. chinese or japanese food?

Chinese

256. mexican or japanese food?

Mexican

257. olive garden’s breadsticks or texas roadhouse’s yeast rolls?

Breadsticks

258. garlic bread or breadsticks?

Garlic bread

259. plain garlic bread or cheesy garlic bread?

Depends on my mood

260. chicken or steak?

Chicken

261. favorite meal?

Pasta

262. drop a recipe!

I don’t really cook

263. how do you like your steak cooked?

I don’t

264. what would your last meal be?

Pasta

265. are you allergic to anything?

Beeswax I think

266. cats or dogs?

Cats but I like both

267. favorite genre of music?

Showtunes

268. favorite fan fic trope?

Fake dating probably or needing each other for survival

269. favorite tv show genre?

Sci-fi or sitcom

270. what’s your favorite cover/cover a band or artist has or should do?

Disturbed cover of The Sound of Silence

271. how often do you write songs?

I haven’t since I was a kid

272. how many finished songs do you have?

Idk like 5

273. do you write your songs in your notes or in a journal?

I just came up with them

274. how long have you been writing?

I don’t really write

275. how long have you had your account?

Since like 2013 or 14

276. what was your first URL?

shineslikestars17

277. if you could change your name, what would it be?

Star

278. what would you like to name your children?

Shane or Eric for a boy, Phoenix for a girl

279. what are your parents’ & sibling’s names?

I don’t have siblings, I don’t feel like sharing my parents names

280. are your parents democratic or republican?

Democrativ

281. do you have more in common with your mom or dad?

Both in different ways

282. are you & your siblings close?

I don’t have any

283. how close are you and your siblings in age?

I don’t have any

284. are any of your siblings married?

I dont have any

285. do you have any nieces or nephews?

No

286. do your parents have any siblings?

My mom has a sister and my dad has a brother

287. do you have any cousins?

Yes

288. do you look more like your mom or dad?

Both

289. how old were you when you started your period?

13 I think

290. have you lost your virginity?

Yes

291. who took your concert virginity?

My what? 

292. who took your musical virginity?

My what?

293. scream again. everyone needs to.

Ok

294. do you have any collections?

Kinda, lately I’ve been collecting dice

295. what’s on your nightstand?

Water, lotion, advil, phones, chapstick, purell

296. how do you usually style your hair?

Down or ponytail

297. do you play games on your phone?

Sometimes

298. are you hydrated?

Yes

299. have you breathed enough today?

I assume so since I am still conscious

300. are you thankful for anything?

I know I have a lot of privilege

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #436

from a couple days ago again; still don’t feel like rewriting any answers.

Do you own many pairs of shorts? I don't own any. Have you ever taken a close up shot of a flower? A hell of a lot; I love doing that. Have you ever wanted to get drunk and get your mind off everything? Yup. But I don't like hard alcohol and only really drink light fruity stuff, and I'm apparently no lightweight, so I got to the point I just really didn't want to drink anymore. Anything you might be giving up on soon? I have felt very, very hopeless with photography lately that sometimes I'm tempted. I don't think I will, but... it's hard. When was the last time you changed your picture on Facebook? It's been months. Have you ever painted a piece of furniture? Yes, actually. I helped Jason paint his shelf black. Do you have a favorite quote? No. Have you ever made a business card for yourself? No, but I have thought about it. I just really don't have nearly enough popularity among the local photographers to feel like I really need to design one. Did you love playing hide and seek as a kid? YES. I loved it. Are there any recipes you have memorized? No. Do you know your multiplication times tables? ... no lmao Have you ever been severely burned? Not severely, no. Did you ever dream that you had a baby? I actually have more than once. What was the weirdest thing you ever saw cross the road? I think a turkey? Are you good at coming up with jokes? God no. Where do you prefer to sit when you catch the bus? When I used to ride home with Jason from school, we always sat way in the back. Do you ever listen to music to fall asleep to? No. I did when I was younger, though. I went through a loooong phase of sleeping with my iPod. If your parents... or anybody else... found your cell phone, would they be horrified at any of the messages in your inbox/outbox? No. Do you get offended if someone repeatedly checks their mobile phone when you’re out for lunch or dinner? That's very rude. What is the stupidest thing you’ve heard somebody say recently? Anti-vaccination bullshit from my stepmother. :^) Think about the last person you kissed - was it the very first time that you kissed them? No. When you drink alcohol with friends, do you play drinking games? We never did. Do you believe that there are certain circumstances where cheating is okay? Nope. Who was the last person to call you? My psychiatrist. What food disgusts you the most? Things like sashimi and caviar. I also think rare meat like steak, especially when it's still bloody, is absolutely disgusting. I could go on and on about this, 'cuz I think a lot of food is really gross. One place you would never want to get lost in in the dark? The jungle. Yikes. So many dangerous creatures, so claustrophobic, and with the canopy, I'd assume it'd be EXTREMELY dark. And it rains so much in the jungle, so it'd be hard to hear danger approaching. One thing that always creeps you out? Perhaps #1 is seeing an unborn baby move from outside their mother's stomach. I will fucking scream and want to puke. If you could be roommates with anyone of your choice, who would you pick? SARA!!!!!!!!! Omfg I'd LOVE to have her as my roommate. We've actually talked about the possibility, but that's nowhere near set in stone. What is the most ridiculous thing you’ve ever heard? In light of recent events, a high contender is shit like "vaccines cause autism." Would you rather be buried or cremated when you die? I'd strongly prefer to be cremated. What is your favorite food around the holidays? Spiral honey ham, for one. I love Christmas treats like chocolate-covered peanuts, fudge, cookies, etc. etc... Tell me about the greatest prank you’ve ever pulled? I don't pull pranks. If you could have the power to cast any kind of spell, what kind of spell would you cast? Maybe enchanting the human population to not be such violent and hateful fucks??? Have you ever gotten a flu vaccination? Only for Covid. Double dates: a do or don’t? They are SO fun, but I do feel like it's good to have individual ones, too. Do you know any guitarists? Yes. My old friend Tommy actually plays the electric guitar in a band, and Juan was really good at it, too. How do you feel about full-length beards? They look good on some people. It varies with everyone. Do you have any relatives that have shunned you, or vice versa? Not currently. My half-sister stopped talking to me many years ago when I was a homophobic fuck, and I don't blame her. We're perfectly cool now! Has anyone ever posted a HORRIBLE picture of you for everyone to see? omg no Does/did your high school have pop machines? Yes. Have you ever gambled? Nah. If you could work at any retail store, which one would it be? I am NEVER working retail again. I can't handle it. What’s the name of the last cat you pet? Roman. :') Have you ever stringed green beans before? Yes, actually, with Colleen's in-laws. They had a big garden that I helped tend to sometimes. I absolutely hated it with how sweaty I got even then, it was WAY too hot, and my body was also weak back then to where bending down was extremely painful. I just never wanted to say no. Have you ever had any painful dental work done? If so, what? No. What’s your favorite thing to do when you’re bored? It really depends on what I feel like doing, but I think playing World of Warcraft tempts me most often when I'm unbearably bored. What did you watch today? I've just been rewatching Mortem3r play Monster Hunter World. That game looks soooo fun, I wanna try it. ;-; True or False: Yoshi is the cutest dinosaur ever? No. I adore dinosaurs and dinosaur media, so I could name a lot if I thought long enough. Who is the last person you spent money on? My niece. I still feel awful I didn't buy Ryder a gift by myself; I just could NOT decide what to get him. I'm very thankful that Mom let me use one she got him as "mine." They were bright, light-up golf balls, and he loooooved them. What is your relationship like with various members of your family? I have a biiig extended family, man, so I'll try to keep this as brief as possible. I am EXTREMELY close to my mom, like there is no way I'd be alive without her, and her support for me seems endless somehow. I love my dad very much too, but I don't see him nearly as much as I wish I did. He tries to support me however he's capable, and he always lets me know that he's there if I need him for anything. I love, am very proud of, and look up to my two sisters, but I'm also very envious of them and how they are successful adults with direction and big accomplishments. We are very different, so we have difficulty with really bonding and talking about things regularly, and it really makes me feel like a terrible sister. My nieces and nephew are absolute diamonds to me, and I'm especially close to Ash's oldest daughter Aubree. She and I are very similar in a lot of areas, so I really relate to her, even in her young age. Ryder really seems to like me, and I love that little rascal, too. :') My youngest niece Emerson is still only a baby, so she can't really communicate in words yet, but she is still a beautiful darling that I'd protect with my life in not even a blink. That covers who I consider my "immediate" family, really, at least that I see regularly. What’s something you disagree with about the way you were raised? I am very firmly against spanking, but my parents did it. I think since Ash's kids were born though, Mom's opinion changed on it. It was around that time, I know. She won't lay a hand on them. Who was the last person to add you as a friend on Facebook? I have no clue, actually. Who was the last person that asked if you were okay? *shrug* The last time you were in a car, who was driving? My mom. Did you ever get into a bar and drink before you were 21? Never tried. What countries have you been to? I've never left the U.S. Honestly, is that car insured? I don't have my own car. What do you think about gay marriage? I vigorously support it. Do you like Carrie Underwood? I actually do. She has a beautiful voice. How far away do you live from your parents? I live with my mom. Idk how far I am from Dad, really... but not THAT far. How do you like your steak cooked? Medium well. Have you ever been to Mount Rushmore? No, and I don't want to. It is absolute vandalism. Where is your favorite place (that you have actually been to)? Chicago blew me away, but I think it's just because it was SO foreign to me. I actually don't like cities very much, but for a brief visit, I thought it was very cool. Do you believe places can really be haunted? Yes. Do you take anti-depressants? Sleeping pills? No. I took anti-depressants for I think most of my life, and they did nothing for me. Come to learn from the doctor who actually set my meds straight that anti-depressants for people with bipolarity do nothing but aggravate the symptoms of bipolarity, and I was living evidence. I take mood stabilizers for said disorder instead. I don't take sleeping pills; none seem to work for me. What’s your favourite brand of peanut butter? Maybe Skippy? Idk, I'm not very picky with pb. What’s your favourite Lunchables meal? The nachos one. How many languages can you recite the alphabet in? Two. Do you like Bob Marley? NOOOOOOOOOOOOO. I can't stand his voice. Have you ever eaten at Golden Corral? Yeah, but I'm not a fan. Buffets gross me out. Do you sit and eat dinner at the same table with your family? We very rarely sit at the table. Have you been working hard to achieve something lately? If not, what was the last thing you worked hard to achieve? Losing weight, yes. I am honestly trying so hard at the gym, like to the point I've almost fallen many times as well as been overtaken by incredible nausea a lot. I don't feel like I'm over-working, necessarily, just working my ass off. Do you use ice cubes in your fountain drinks? No, because it waters the drink down and I hate it. Would you ever want your very own library, or do you not read enough for it to be worth it? No. I don't read nearly enough, and besides, can you imagine all the dust? What site did you originally start doing surveys on? I actually don't know... Have you ever used something other than water to make ice cubes? What did you do with them? I've actually never thought to do that. Would you ever willingly experience life temporarily without sight, hearing, or any of your other senses, simply to know what it is like? Fuck no. I would go insane. In what ways are you very judgmental? I'll judge the fuck out of rapists, child molesters, pedophiles, people like that with no goddamn shame. But your average person, I try not to judge very much. What is your main problem in life right now? It's hard to determine my main problem, honestly. There are a lot of issues going on in my life that've just piled up into one big tangled mess. Do your “favourites” change often? Definitely not. I've had the same favorites in so many topics for forever. Have you ever read a biography on someone? I've read Ozzy's autobiography, and I also read the Some Kind of Monster Metallica book, which was written by I want to say St. Anger's musical director? This was a very long time ago, and honestly, I thought it was pretty boring, so my memory is faint. You learned quite a bit about the band in his time with them, but damn, I don't care about the musical director al;skdfal;we. Do you know anyone who has ever been in a movie? Who and what movie were they in? What was their part? Not to my knowledge. I have an acquaintance who's had minor acting roles, but I don't believe she's ever been in a film. When was the last time you brought a pet to the vet? What was wrong with it? I want to say around two years ago (probably less) when we got my cat neutered. Have you ever made your way through a corn maze? No.

[thechaosdragoness]

I just got a call from my mother. My Nana is in the hospital.

Backstory on this: My Nana has been sick for a long time and has been on oxygen for years. Lately she's been short of breath (not COVID-related, but due to her health problems), however she also puts off her health issues until it's too late which makes my Pop-Pop angry with her, and...this time it could kill her.

She's had a multitude of tests done but nothing had been found, and my uncle has already laid in on them for the issue ("You've done how many tests now? And you still can't find what's wrong with my mother?!") Well not too long ago she also had a bone marrow test done but the results hadn't come back yet, and she was due for a doctor's appt. today.

She fell and hit her head in the bathroom today, not sure if it was before or after the doctor's appointment because my mom didn't specify. Pop-Pop called my uncle to help him get her because he couldn't reach her from where she was in the bathroom, and now she's in the hospital.

While there the doctors finally got the result of her bone marrow test and it turns out her body is producing more white blood cells than red blood cells, which means she could potentially have leukemia or another form of cancer. She keeps trying to tell my Pop-Pop to put her in a nursing home but my family has already told her NO. We all know what happened to my great-grandmother after she was put in a nursing home 14 years ago, and with this COVID thing it's not going to happen. My mother has taken a leave of absence to go and help take care of my Nana, however things are looking pretty grim.

She's already had three units of blood transfused, and could potentially have a fourth one, meaning they basically replaced all the blood in her body. She has a DNR (Do Not Resuscitate) order out, and the doctor asked Pop-Pop if she has a living will in place.

I'm already bracing for the inevitable, and having moved away from NJ I can't go and make my peace in person. Not that I even think she'd want me there. My relationship with her has been...very turbulent my entire life, especially as of this year with me leaving an abusive home situation, which many of you may already know about. I don't know if I can truly forgive her for all the hurtful things she's said and done to me all my life, nor do I think she'll ever apologize for it all...and that's okay. I've come to terms with it all.

Even if she won't show me forgiveness, I still hope that when the time comes for her to pass on that she goes as painlessly and peacefully as possible. I may have had my problems with her, but she still doesn't deserve to suffer from illness. Even if it's the only thing I can do right now, it's still a small bit of kindness towards her despite the malice she's showed me. Kindness is stronger than hate, and I will show some kindness to her in the end of her life even if she can't bring herself to do so to me.

She's still my grandmother. My family. I'm conflicted on many things with her, but I'm her only grandchild. The only thing I can hope for now...is that she truly is sorry for how she treated me.

[lovemesomesurveys]

Are there any hobbies you have that you don’t perform in front of others? I like to do stuff like surveys, reading, coloring, scrolling through Tumblr, and watching YouTube videos by myself.

What’s one bad or inconvenient habit you used to have but no longer do? I can’t think of a bad habit I used to have, I still have plenty of them.

Do you find it difficult to kick a habit or a routine that’s detrimental? Yes.

When was the last time you had a particularly hectic day? My Disneyland vacation last year. I love Disneyland and had a good time, but the traveling part and spending all day at the park going all over the place is quite exhausting for me. That’s a lot of activity for me. Not to mention all. the. people.

Where’s one place you’ve spent a lot of time lately? I spend like all my time at home except for my once a month doctor appointment.

Is there anywhere you wish you could spend more time? I wish I could go on more vacations.

What do you do when you simply don’t know what to do? There are definitely days where I’m just really bored and my usual go-tos don’t cut it for me and the day just seems to draaag, but I end up still doing those things or mindlessly watching TV cause I don’t know what else to do. Or just take a nap.

When was the last time you felt you were in an impossible situation where, despite what you did, you couldn’t win? I’ve felt that way these past few years with health related things and other stuff in my life.

How did you find out about your current favorite band? I don’t have like a new current favorite. 

Where are you most likely to go when you need clothing? Majority of my clothes are from Boxlunch and Hot Topic.

Is anything significant weighing on your mood right now? The usual stuff.

When was the last time you tried to do something yet failed? I feel like I’m just failing at life in general.

Do you think your life is comprised more of success or failure? Failure.

What’s one personality trait that’s not strong in you? Ambition. 

Are you a difficult individual to get to know? I wouldn’t have said that a few years ago, but I would now. Well, unless you’re a follower of my surveys. I’m definitely not this open in person. Not that I was before, but what I think would make it more difficult now is the fact that I’m just so distant and withdrawn and have really just kept to myself the past few years. I’ve holed up at home and haven’t had an interest in socializing.

When was the last time you opened up to someone and about what? I open up in surveys all the time.

To whom do you feel the most important? My parents and brother.

When was the last time you changed your mind? Hm. It was probably recently, but I don’t remember right now.

Is there something you want but might not ever have? Better health.

What’s something you’re working to obtain? Nothing. That’s the problem. :/

How do you console yourself when you’re distraught? I cry and then try to distract myself. 

Do you tend to enjoy your dreams? My dreams are just super random and weird a lot of the time.

What would you do if you did not require sleep? Gah. I’m glad we do cause I have no idea. There are days that just seem to drag and I want it to end and sleep is a great escape and passerby, so yeah I’m glad we require sleep. I need that time to escape myself and stuff for awhile.

Are there any projects or goals you’ve recently abandoned? I did that a few years ago and still haven’t gotten back on track.

What in life serves to keep you going? My family.

How frequently, if ever, do you want to give up? I feel that way often.

What was the last good news you received? Uhhh.

What’re some of the important things around you? My family, which includes my doggo. 

How long has your favorite song been your favorite? I have numerous favorites. 

In what ways does music influence your life? It doesn’t, really. Especially lately. I don’t listen to music much anymore like I used to. It’s weird.

Are you more inclined to appreciate sweet or savory foods? Savory. Lately I’ve had a serious sweet tooth, though. I’ve been eating sweet stuff a lot more often recently.

Do you prefer more hot or cold types of food? Hot.

How about hot or cold types of beverages? Hot and room temp.

Who last told you to do something and did you do it? My mom asked me to grab her something on my way by it in the kitchen and I did.

Have you ever felt as though you were unrecognizable to yourself? That’s how I’ve felt the past few years. I don’t know who this person is I’ve become, but I don’t like it.

Are you bothered by any of your physical features? Yeah, all of them.

Are romantic relationships important to you at this point in your life? No.

Who was the last person to apologize to you for something they did? I don’t recall.

Bruises and cuts everywhere? No.

Have you ever kissed someone with a tattoo? Nope.

What did you do today? So far I’ve just watched a few YouTube videos, scrolled through Tumblr, and currently I’m watching Sister, Sister on Netflix and doing surveys.

What did you do last night? Had dinner and watched the first two episodes of Wandavision and an episode of Dare Me with my mom and brother.

Last night, you felt? Alright.

Will you regret your next kiss? I hope not?

Ever had a guy best friend? Yeah, a few.

Is there a movie you’ve seen countless times? Yeah, several.

Do you hate the last guy you had a conversation with? No.

How is your last ex doing? I don’t know. I haven’t seen or talked to him in almost 5 years and he’s not active on social media. 

Are you wearing a necklace, who got it for you? Nope. Is there someone who can always make you smile? My doggo.

Are you excited for anything? No.

Anything you’d like to say to your ex? Nah, I’m good.

Do you give up easily? I’ve given up in a lot of ways over the past few years. :/

Do you think anyone has feelings for you? Not of the romantic kind.

Did you deny or accept your last friend request? Deny. It was some random person and I only accept people I know.

Will you talk to someone on the phone tonight? No.

Are any of your friends taller than you?

How much money did you spend today? Zero as of now. I don’t plan on spending any money today.

Are you shy? Yepppp.

Are you completely over the last person you kissed? Yes.

Ever given your ALL to someone? Yes.

Have you ever felt like you weren’t good enough? That is how I feel.

Last thing you had to drink? Water.

Do you ever just lay on the carpet in your house? No. I don’t find sitting or lying on the floor comfortable at all.

Do you prefer ice or no ice in your drinks typically? No ice.

Are you a lazy ass sometimes? Yes.

What’s the most embarrassing thing you’ve done lately? Nothing recent comes to mind.

Do you ‘think out loud’? Yeah, I do that a lot.

Do you take gummy vitamins? I used to. If I took my vitamins like I’m supposed to that’s the kind I would take.

How do you know the majority of the people you know? They’re my family.

Are you one of those lucky people to own a walk-in closet? Nope.

Is there a random object you own that has a huge personal significance? Yes.

Do you use Google? Yeah, all the time.

Would you like to go swimming right now? No. It’s wintertime for one, but I don’t like swimming anyway so it wouldn’t matter if it wasn’t.

Can you play electric guitar? No. 

Do you have an HDTV? Yeah, I have a smart TV.

When was the last time you drank something through a straw? Just a bit ago. I always use a straw with my drinks.

Have you ever tried to teach yourself a different language? Yes.

How long was your last phone call? Like a minute.

Do you need to repaint your nails? I have’t painted my nails in years.

Has there ever been a horoscope that came true for you? Possibly. I never followed that stuff closely or actually believed in them, I used to just read them for fun when I was younger.

Are you one of those people who chew two pieces of gum, not one? No.

Do you have a wall calendar? I do.

Have you ever taken the pictures from a calendar and used them as posters? I kept a giraffe photo from an old calendar and hung it up in my room.

Can you handle the cold? A lot better than I can handle the heat.

Have you ever been to Canada? Nope.

When was the last time you took a taxi somewhere? Several years ago while on a trip with a friend. It was before the days of Uber and Lyft.

Would you ever join the army, air force or navy? No. I couldn’t even if I wanted to because of my physical disability. 

How old is the person you last kissed? He just turned 30.

Is there a friend that you can always rely on to get you out of a jam? My mom.

Have you ever tried to balance the light switch between off and on? Yeah, haha.

Do you believe in ghosts/supernatural occurrences? I believe in spirits.

What was the most expensive thing you’ve broken? A laptop.

Has anyone texted you yet today? Nope.

Did you stay calm during the whole swine flu scare? No, I was really scared about catching it. It’s crazy cause now looking back it wasn’t even close to the seriousness of COVID and how easily its spread.

Is there a light on in the room you’re currently in? Yes.

Are your feet touching the floor? No, I’m sitting on my bed.

Have you ever been in a car accident? No, thankfully.

Can you focus well in high-stress situations? No. I get very overwhelmed and frazzled.

Without the aid of mascara, do you have long eyelashes? No. 

Is there a kind of music you listen to that helps you release your anger? No. I don’t turn to music when I’m upset.

Are you one of those people who keep their feelings bottled up? Yes.

Is one of your friends extremely odd but you love them regardless?

Is there anyone you dread going into public with? No. I dread going out in public myself cause I feel I’m trash and I’m super self-conscious. 

Are you a victim of writing run-on sentences? It happens sometimes in a survey when I’m really going off in a rant or I’m rambling about something.

Graffiti: an art or an act of vandalism? It can be both, it depends where it’s done and the purpose of it.

Do you buy things online? I do a lot of online shopping. 

[coridallasmultipass]

Vent / personal / tmi / menstruation / endometriosis / long post ... Im so fucking sick of healthcare professionals telling me to just wait it out and pushing my problems onto other doctors I just got my 5th shot of lupron and have 1 more next month. On my appointment last week i told the gyn how ive been having much more cramping and tissue but not blood coming out regularly and he said its possible the combined lupron and norethindrone are making my uterine lining too thin, and to stop the norethindrone (it was being prescribed to help any menopause-like side effects the lupron can have) And less than 24 hours after my first missed dose i get a full blown period complete with extreme mood swings and depression Im not bleeding this week but im still cramping and the mood swings are so fucking bad, being chronically ill and not getting enough relief from any of my medications is making all of this worse but im literally breaking down over any little thing The lupron and norethindrone combined i guess have been suppressing all my emotions bc this is what it was like on the daily before i started it (just not as bad) which is telling me that none of my psych meds are working but whatever I just now got off the phone with my psych and he said he doesnt want to do anything with my meds or dosing bc he says its related to hormones and thats what my gyn needs to address and i Need To Wait im fucking sick of waiting i cant do this ive been waiting since last august!!!!!!! I now have to wait 2 more whole months of mood swings until i can have another appointment with him hes refused to actually screen me for adhd too and says its bc im An Artist type that im not able to sit down and draw anything since last fall like i fucking hate him and he never gets my name or pronouns right and i cant go see a new psych bc of all the closures and i dont wanna call my gyn bc he said if things get worse i need to have a pelvic ultrasound done again and i cant do it!!! I fucking cant do it it hurts too much im too traumatized from depoprovera and mirena that i cant even touch myself without extreme dysphoria and fear that im going to cramp Its killing me that as someone who was so personally sexual to completely be traumatized from the road to an endometriosis diagnosis that i can no longer masturbate or even talk about sex without anxiety and being trans on top of it hurts even more Next gyn appt is my last injection of lupron and im really gonna push to plan for a partial hysterectomy (i only had endo cysts on the back of my uterus but it was 100% confirmed with surgery and biopsy) so i hope it will help so i can stop taking all these fucking hormonal medications like Before being diagnosed i was really planning on going on testosterone but now im too scared because i feel like it would really fuck up my health problems more - mentally and physically Ive given up on passing and am trying to focus on body acceptance especially now that ove had rapid weight gain that isnt being addressed by any of ky doctors i bring it up to God im just trying to vent here but seriously Do not take the diagnosis of endometriosis lightly its super serious to go forth with any treatments and you really have to commit to long term treatments and its a gamble either way For me not starting any treatments was unacceptable i needed help with extreme monthly periods and all forms of birth control ive tried exacerbated symptoms and never stopped bleeding - i literally cannot personally recommend any form of medical birth control bc every one has fucked me over, many different pills at different points in my life, shot (depoprovera gave me debilitating cramps and i bled non stop all 3 months which started this whole journey to diagnosis), iud (iud was the worst i had to go to the er bc the gyn refused to give me pain meds and i was screaming in pain a few hours later unBle to move or think - i really cannot stress enough how painful and long insertion is like it was the longest 5-10 minutes of my life crying while it felt like a knife going through me) I really dont want that ultrasound tho ffs i had to get the first one done while i was in full force cramps during my depoprovera shot and the pelvic ultrasound rod is humongous and they dig it around inside you (i already had a painful and hard time trying to have pleasurable penetration even by myself or with partners) and it takes like 40 minutes of jumbling around your insides for them to document every thing like at least at that time i was only like 2 months from my last time jerking off but now its been almost 6 months of me not even thinking about putting more than one finger in to clean myself in the shower like to go right into an huge ultrasound is going to be so painful and anxiety inducing and i cant do it id rather go straight into surgery My biggest phobias have to do with pain around this part of my anatomy i cannot stress enough how long ive wanted a hysterectomy just so i dont have to fear accidentally getting p r e g... like i would literally kms... i would probably be able to handle the pain of cutting off my arm with a rusty knife better than extreme cramping pain like i had with the iud or ultrasound its such a phobia and now its source of trauma for me from everything ive gone through the last 6 months Having to readjust my life goals from doing p o r n as a hobby and wanting to transition and be who i am, to becoming a vegetable and trying to cope with the fact that i cant ever transition how i hoped Everything just really sucks for me right now and i have literally no social life any more, not even online bc im so stressed about my health and my attention is so bad i cant focus on a convo online, my laptop is about at its grave so all i have is a phone and xbox with bare minimum internet speed.. i live in the middle of nowhere and cant get my license bc the person who was guiding me to drive is an essential worker in a hospital so i cant go in their car any more... im just so fucking alone i cant do anything except break my back gardening and then cry about it later bc my fucking meds dont fucking work!!!!!!!!! Oh thats another thing im also dealing with fucking gerd on top of all this and i cant get the proceedure i need done to confirm if i need surgery or not bc the fucking lockdown!!!! So im stuck taking pantoprazole (been trying similar meds since march 2019 and its currently june 2020!!!!!!) I just want to eat tomatoes and chocolate again it fucking kills me if i dont take pantoprazole i will lose my voice and have such a sore throat and ears from the stomach acid and i know im gonna have to stop it for 2 weeks for one of the tests i need done and its going to be literal hell like it feels worse than strep throat ill probably do the thing where i start choking and coughing at night bc it gets so bad Im a fucking mess like why couldnt all of this happen one at a time I really want to get my belly pierced again bc i feel so naked without it but i cant bc i probably will be having 2 surgeries once covid blows over (if it ever does) Sorry for taking up so much dash space im just really hurting and need some outlet bc therapy isnt helping rn

[pappywankenobi]

My thoughts, 8/29/2020 This year....has been the most confusing and frustrating year I have ever had. Let's roll back time and start at the beginning.

I grew up during the space race, a war, and the bicentennial of this country. Living on the east coast of Florida I watched men go to the moon....and then as a teen a movie came along and changed my life. Star Wars....and the dreamer in me saw so many possibilities. Growing up I wanted to either be a pilot ( planes or helicopters ) or an astrophysicist. Strange but yes if i couldn't fly among the stars I wanted to fly around this planet.

My influences were obviously my parents ,family, and the things you could do at the time which were books and comics. My love for the military came from my family and parents. My faith ,and wonder for the possibilities the world offered came mostly from comics....some DC but the majority was Marvel. Stan Lee and the tales he told subconsciously taught me about respect and love for my fellow humans. Trust me growing up when I did things were very angry....people were not happy with the Vietnam War, race relations especially in the south were very contentious.

So my great escape was reading, whether it was learning about the universe and the technical aspects of flying the best place I was able to find balance was comics. Batman was a double edged sword, I understood the need for vengeance but also saw the repercussions of seeking it. Loving archery Green Arrow was the same as the Bat but also a bit of a Robin Hood tossed in. My favorite though was the Flash. I loved to run....so yah he was cool. Now on the Marvel side let's start with Spiderman...he was a kid with great power thrust upon him...who looked for glory but found out that ignoring the responsibility of how you lived your life could come back and destroy you.

So I grew up with love in my heart, seeing people not color, gender, religion, or country of origin. At times I paid the price for this from family, and friends. I kept myself closed off. It was at this time in my life that my world took an unexpected turn, my parents divorced, and my father who was always my hero was going to be able to spend more quality time with me. My sister moved out with my mom and I felt like this was a chance for us to really connect. But it wasn't to be as a few months later he remarried. That year I went to my mom's for Christmas and never left. I was 15. Many strange things and events later I was 16,disillusioned, and was mentally done. I took my high school equivalency test,passed it and moved out on my own. At 17 I was working full time and taking care of myself and paying for rent and everything that came with being a grown up. Then at 21 I found a job where just under 20 years I grew and had a good career. I was married for 10 years,but was not happy and not wanting to be like my father I just accepted my fate.

Video games became a big source of escape, and one game in particular was huge source of fun. Our clan was Boba Fetts, and we had shirts made. While in the local mall a young man approached me and asked if I was a Star Wars fan, laughing i assumed he noticed my shirt and replied of course, he guided me to a web site Yahoo World of Star Wars , a place where you could hangout, discuss and write about the Star Wars universe. I loved to write stories so I looked it up and it would wind up changing my life forever.

It was during this time of being around people with the same likes and beliefs i had,opened my eyes. These people were more family to me than most of my blood. So big changes occurred, I told my father I was done with him treating me like a kid, after all I had retired from a job with just a few months away from 20 years so yah I was a man thank you very much. I also told him my issue with him was that not once in my life did I ever remember him ever saying to me I love you son. All he had to do was say those 3 words and all would be forgiven. He couldn't bring himself to say it, his loss in the end. So emboldened I relayed my feelings about my marriage and was told that I should give up the things that I enjoyed, but my spouse could still do whatever she wanted and quit being dramatic. I had at that moment had enough and began the process of getting a divorce and moving away from my home state. On a whim I had a friend in Michigan that suggested I come stay with them, it was the best choice I ever made. We became close and 2 years later we were married, a few years later our son was was born, and a few years after that our second son was born. Life was good, I had a decent job and things were great.

Then two years ago my life changed forever, while at work I lifted a box and stacked it on a pallet like I had done many times before but had a terrible pain in my shoulder. Turned out I tore my rotator cuff, during the time I waited for surgery it became worse and I suffered tremors. Surgery was done and it was pretty much significant damage, a 90% tear and the detachment and reattachment of my bicep. During rehab, I still suffered tremors, fearing it was nerve damage I saw a neurologist and was hit broadside with a diagnosis of Parkinson's disease. I was devastated. I was moved to a job that was less physical but I still suffered from pain and tremors to the extent that my doctor prescribed the highest level of medication for the treatment of the tremors and short term disability to give me a chance to heal and get my body in a place that allowed me to get back to work. So I returned to work, but I just couldn't keep up at the end of each day I was in pain and by the weekend I was useless. This year in March I went back on short term disability, and 1 week later Covid hit, and the world turned upside down. Here i was at home, understanding i was in bad shape and with my sons out of school and asking all kinds of questions and trying to answer them without scaring them. Now I'm sitting here, getting ready to transition to long term disability,becoming a stay at home dad, teaching my kids at home this year because of my health, including the fact I have type 2 diabetes along with my others issues and my kids are afraid that if they go to school they may infect me and I will die of covid, thank God school is offering virtual learning, then last night, one of my favorite comic characters, who was perfectly portrayed by Chadwick Boseman, T'Challa, The Black Panther has passed away at 43 of cancer, 11 years younger than me....has hurt me to my core. Not to mention the fact that 40 years later since Star Wars came out and my feelings that we are all humans and that race would not be an issue anymore sitting here seeing no change has led me to one hope, hope we can end the hate, end the fear,become the caring,loving, people not only that we can be but have to be. The sooner we put away our fears and accept that we are one people, humans of earth, and realize that 98% of us are good and that no matter what 2% of us are bad, but the good ones of us are the majority and we have to stop letting those that are the minority stop controlling us and say we are not taking it no more, the sooner we will be the great people we can be and this world will be a better place.

[quarantinewithbean]

The Beginning

Really, this isn’t the beginning, it’s just the beginning of this blog. I really wanted to blog about my fertility journey from the start, but I was always so consumed with the “next step” and my own frustrations with continually NOT getting pregnant that I didn’t ever make the time. I’m not sure, maybe I had a fear that writing about it would make it even more real that it wasn’t happening. Maybe I was afraid it would somehow make my fear of never being able to have kids somehow come true. Or, perhaps it was just because I’ve always had a habit of starting a diary/journal/blog with great intentions but not continuing them (I have a stack of diaries with about 10 pages written in each from various years). I’m guessing it was a combination of things.

Then, by the time we finally became pregnant this past October after 4 years of trying (”trying” meaning: having countless doctor’s appointments, having to see reproductive specialists, shedding more tears than I would like to admit to, going through multiple unpleasant and painful medical procedures to figure out the source of our infertility, eventually having a surgery to open one of my Fallopian tubes, going through multiple rounds of fertility medications, and basically owning stock in pregnancy/ovulation test kits by the end of it), I was so ecstatic that I did not want to revisit any of the painful memories of how upsetting it was to get that negative test month after month. So, I didn’t start a blog. I just reveled in the happiness that I finally had a little bean in my belly. Well, reveled in happiness and morning sickness for a solid trimester and a half. But even that incessantly burning nausea couldn’t wipe the smile off of my face.

Now, fast forward and here I am, here we are together, and the world has been absolutely turned on its head. (Actually, that is putting it lightly. If I am being real, it feels more like the world has taken a giant shit all over everyone and everything and just can’t stop. Sort of like the cast of the original Bridesmaids after they all got food poisoning. That is our world at present.) I now have an even more incredible opportunity to document what it is like to survive these times living during a pandemic, 6 months pregnant, working at a hospital. What a combination! But I figured it is a once in a lifetime chance to share my thoughts on a page in hopes that my little bean will be able to someday look back and read about how crazy the world was when he/she was baking in my tummy. I know that I always soaked up stories that my Grandma Max would tell about surviving the Great Depression. It is always fascinating to hear about a surreal time that someone else went through, especially if it is so much different than the current life one is living. It allows us to learn and can help spur powerful perspective shifts in our own lives.

Living in the rural Midwest, I feel like this COVID-19 pandemic is just beginning. Actually, when the virus first started circulating in other parts of the world, I think it was easy for us all to at first deny that it would get that bad here in the US. Seeing footage of overrun hospitals on the TV felt like we were just watching a bad movie. Now our realities are much different, and we are experiencing it first hand here, seeing what it is doing to our cities, to our healthcare professionals, to our economy, to our businesses, to our communities, to our people. We know it will inevitably hit us here, too, in the Midwest - things are just a little slower to show here than the rest of the country. 

For those of you who don’t know, I work at the local VA hospital as a psychologist. Thankfully, I see many of my patients using telehealth/video sessions already and it wasn’t a huge shift to transition the rest of them to telehealth during this time to prevent potential spread of the virus. Half of my job is providing psychological services on a Home-Based Primary Care (HBPC) team, and half is also spent working in the hospital with patients at bedside as a medical psychologist on our long-term/continuing care/rehabilitation units. It is quite a tense environment for everyone at the hospital right now, for sure. I feel it when I arrive and leave my units there, and lately on my “hospital days” I get home and just feel sorta drained. The stress and anxiety is palpable. As you could imagine, any patient or colleague who coughs, sneezes, etc. basically causes everyone around to have a mini panic attack (or, maybe not everyone, maybe just me?? lol). My patients, understandably, are needing more support during this time, so I am having more frequent sessions and seeing an uptick in the number on my panel. This is fine with me though as I love what I do and giving therapy has a way of relaxing me as well. I am also very grateful that I will likely be able to see many of my hospital patients using technology as well (just seeing them via video from my office, which is located in a small secure building not attached to the main hospital.) I may still need to go to the hospital on occasion, but it won’t be as frequently as it was. They are trying to limit as much staff traffic as possible on the units I work because the population is so vulnerable, so the less people walking onto the floor the better. I really feel for my colleagues that are on the floor all the time, constantly prepping and waiting for the worst to hit. It feels like the calm before the storm over there - like when you see the sky turn purple in the distance and know that a tornado is headed your way. 

Being pregnant in the midst of all of this is just another added layer of complexity for me. On one hand, it does make me feel more stressed about potentially contracting the virus, because it’s not just me in my body and I want to do anything in my power to protect my little babe. I honestly feel like I would not be nearly as freaked out about getting COVID if I didn’t have this precious bean growing that took so many years and effort and prayers and tears to create. I am grateful that the (very small amount) of evidence thus far does not suggest much for adverse outcomes related to pregnancy and the virus, but I am also fearful knowing that the data is quite limited. I do know that pregnancy  suppresses my immune system and typically puts a woman at greater risk for complications with other respiratory infections/illnesses.

On the flip side, the opposite of being freaked out about being a pregnant healthcare worker during this pandemic, having this baby growing inside of me is such a welcome and happy distraction from everything! I love thinking about what it will be like when he/she finally arrives. I am nesting like a maniac at home, constantly cleaning and organizing and decorating our nursery and going in there and sitting in the rocking chair and imagining what our baby will be like. I’m singing to Bean, too, and it is so nuts - every time I do he/she just bounces all over the place! Either loves my voice or hates it. Lol. I am loving the time spent at home with my two favorite boys, too. Aaron has been making killer meals and Darwin is reveling in all of the mom and dad cuddle time (which, he had better soak up as his life is going to become quite miserable for him having to share his throne in a matter of months.) 

Well, I suppose it’s time for me to get some rest before another crazy day at the office tomorrow. It is just about time for Bean’s 9 pm gymnastics session :) Stay safe, healthy, call each other, and STAY HOME!

Here’s a random pic of me during Aaron and my trip to Deadwood in October. We found out we were expecting just a few short weeks after this was taken :) It reminds me of the beginning of this journey. We are hoping to return to the Black Hills for a long weekend in May (as long as this virus stuff settles down). 

[tehjmastuh-rants-101]

To the shitty friends that I've finally have parted ways with.

To Candice, The 7 years that I've known you. I really looked up to you as a friend and even sometimes more than a friend. I've forgiven you for the lies you've hidden from me about marriage, dating, and people you aquatinted with. I have poord my entire studio and music life with you into hoping that we would grow and let people know who we really were. Harmony Angels. But now this is the place where I am gonna let everyone who reads my blog know just the type of person you are. Every week when you came over. The first thing you've always wanted to do was have sexual relations with me when you knew deep in your heart that you we're married to a person that I got to know who had the best love and father-like relationship with your daughter exercises the weakness of your guy's marriage that you claim is falling apart. I was going to keep my mouth close about this. But you've anonymously hurt me after I didn't to Jack shit to you. I honestly feel sorry for your husband. I hope if you do end up divorcing him, that he will never have to be underestimated this cold lie you've hidden from him ever again. I am glad that what has happen to us is done and over with and I do wish you the best and that you'll make better choices instead of gas lighting them hoping it would better you. Dear David, For the most times I've forgiven you. I have given you a lot of respect that no other person you've hung out with never showed you. I've called you my best friend, and a brother and sometimes even a father that I've never had for almost 10 years. There we're some things that I may have done in the past that I thought I would've apologized for. But, I was there for you Just as much as you were there for me. I have given you money, Helped you write your songs, hung out with you, spent the night at your house, took you to baseball games and went golfing with you. But you have done so much damage that I don't know if I will ever forgive you for in my heart. You left me high and dry After the 7th Inning when we went to the baseball game, Luckily my sister was at the game, because she was upset that you left me stranded. You have misplaced and broken some of my personal stuff that I've left and lended you at your house. But to top it off, you stabbed me in the back, you've lied to me, and you try to play it off as if I would never care or find out about it. I didn't know who else to believe because it felt like the stories all added up. And I didn't want to feel guilty for accusing someone else of fabricating what you have said about me. Get some mental help! Clean your act up, figure out who you really want to have in your life. And when you're ready, get ahold of me. Andrea,

The day I met you at Lynch's. I didn't know what else to think of you. I would've never though that you were this cute flirty type of women when I got to know you and hang out with you. We've never really hung out as much as I wanted. But you were possibly the utmost argumentative person that've I've known. I have never lied to you about anything. I have always told you the truth. I would never hurt you. In fact, I was secretly in love with you. I wanted to be with you and spend my life with you. But you have made it clear that you weren't ready to see me like that because you had many other male friends and you didn't want to hurt them. You wanted to have an open relationship with people but I respected that. What do you do? You write me a story book long text message that was really hard for me to read or even understand. All because you thought that I was lying to you about my health. And I was objecting what my doctor was saying about me. How would you like it If I hated you or didn't talk to you anymore because you were against the covid Vaccine? Two wrongs don't make it right, but I would never personally disown you like that like you have to me. I've given you nothing but my eternal love and I've always cared about since the first time we've actually slept together at David's House. I loved you! You've taken a big chunk out of my heart and threw it away. I will never heal because of you. I hope one day that you would not let people's decisions about their health, politics, and drama not get between you and them or the next person you've decided to hurt because simply your disapprovals. I would much rather not have friends and stay single for the rest of eternity knowing that I wouldn't get fucked over, cheated on, lied to, hurt, gas lighted, and deserted. Because I've always once said that I could never trust anybody in this world. I've always said that I wouldn't. Especially in todays world, I STILL DON'T!

[nextupnews]

Amazon Warns Associates...

New Post has been published on https://nextupnews.com/amazon-warns-associates/

Amazon Warns Associates...

Amazon Warns Associates May Lose Accounts and Earnings Over Coronavirus Coverage

Amazon Threatens To Close Associates Accounts Over Coronavirus Content Opposing CDC Guidelines (Above Image is actual warning.)

After logging into my Amazon associates account today, I was greeted with a stark message from Amazon regarding COVID-19 content. The associate alert or coronavirus warning read as follows below:

“As a reminder, we ask all of our associates to exercise good judgement when covering COVID-19 and refer readers to the CDC website for accurate information. For more information, see the FTC’s guidance around Coronavirus claims. As a reminder advertising with unsubstantiated claims is a violation of law and a violation of the Operating Agreement and may result in account closure, including withholding fees.“

Amazon warns of two potential actions:

Account Closure = The potential loss of all income and livelihood, which could be interpreted as the institution of “Excessive Fines”.

Withholding Fee’s = The withholding of earned income, which could be interpreted as “cruel and unusual punishment” and perhaps even a threat of extortion.

There are at least 900,000 Amazon Associates according to Amazon’s own claims in 2008. There are hundreds of thousands of websites affected by this alert definitively, causing massive censorship on the coronavirus topic. – GeniusLink

Arguably, Amazon has the second largest influence over more content than anyone on the internet, largely due to their economic impact and outright megalithic size.

This move by Amazon is potentially the largest recent act of censorship. Amazon has influence over hundreds of thousands of websites if not millions and potentially millions of associates. Amazon is second only to Google Adsense publishers which range around the 2 million mark. Google and YouTube has also banned coronavirus advertising, but recently rolled both ad platforms restrictions back.

This news from Amazon is one more example of Big Tech’s outlook on free speech. It doesn’t exist. By no means does Amazon have to let associates into their platform if they do not agree with their content, but, they use the term “violation of law” and presumably aim to use these laws as justification for closing accounts and withholding fee’s.

What Are Unsubstantiated Claims?

Unsubstantiated claims in advertising usually refers to things like “puffery” going too far. Unsubstantiated is when a statement becomes deceitful or outright false.

This is a serious legal debacle that Amazon has now put it’s associates in. Also, many if not most of Amazon Associates have zero clue as to what these implications might mean legally, and so they will simply be silenced and they will begin to self-censor. Especially because the coronavirus is a new virus and we are learning more about it everyday, what is true and what is not changes by the day. Using the coronavirus to censor individuals speech is becoming a very common tactic by larger tech firms instituting their vision or ideology on the general public.

Many doctors have made “scientific” claims that go against governments coronavirus guidelines. Many medical organizations have done the same. They have been censored. US law supports protest and promotes democratic argumentation. I mean, our courts are centered around a jury trial for any criminal wrongdoing. Our elections are based upon a multi-party debate and vote. Big Tech however is far from democratic in nature and it’s becoming more and more apparent every day.

This type of threat, from Amazon, is basically a threat to violate your rights under the 8th amendment regarding “excessive fines” or “cruel and unusual punishment” however brought down by a corporation instead of a government.

How U.S. Law Defines “Unsubstantiated”

The United States Federal Trade Commission addresses this in Title 16 Part 255 of the Code of Federal Regulations, and gives several examples. A few examples are taken from the legal text below:

“…bloggers concerning the need to ensure that statements they make are truthful and substantiated.” – Example 5, § 255.1 (d)

“…the advertiser must possess and rely upon adequate substantiation, including, when appropriate, competent and reliable scientific evidence…” – § 255.2 (a)

An Example Of Unsubstantiated Claims

A 2018 settlement with the FTC and The Nobetes Corporation (a dietary supplement company) the FTC simply published their investigations findings with rulings simply banning the company from engaging in future advertising making false medical claims… The FTC as quoted, “FTC’s complaint bans the defendants from advertising or selling Nobetes or any other diabetes product. It prohibits them from making health-related claims….” In other words, there is no real jail time or punishment handed out for violating these laws. Often there aren’t even any fines, like in the case above.

Many Other Countries Have Similar Laws, Like New Zealand.

New Zealand addresses puffery directly in law as, “a representation that a reasonable person would not expect to be substantiated.” The problem is defining what a regular person considers “reasonable”. And so in 2013, the New Zealand parliament has passed law defining what must be substantiated.

Amazon Warns Associates To Stay In Line With CDC and FTC

Amazon stated clearly to all associates to, “exercise good judgement when covering COVID-19“.

What exactly does “when covering COVID-19” mean? It seems as though they are referring to any reporting on the pandemic. News organizations, blogs, commentators and other organizations who “cover” current events.

After considering Amazon’s intent in the alert, I couldn’t possibly imagine how this language from Amazon could be anything close to what the FTC is concerned about. The FTC is concerned with products, that being whether retail companies, “have their products been approved, cleared, or authorized by the FDA“. The FTC doesn’t want people selling snake oil. This would make sense if Amazon warned associates not to advertise their products as possible remedies or cures for COVID-19. But, that’s not what the alert says.

The alert from Amazon referred associates to the FTC’s guidance, and the CDC website (but actually is the CDC’s coronavirus index). These two government agencies are not the only federal agencies giving out coronavirus guidance by far, nearly every federal agency is, due to President Trump’s “whole government” approach to the pandemic.

The FTC warns about companies offering products that are not approved by the FDA, etc.. The FTC is worried about medical and scientific claims made regarding products and services. Most all publishers who review products and retailers are very familiar with these regulations. Again, Amazon does not mention retailers or the sale of any products. Amazon seems to be joining the bandwagon of online platforms banning speech and aiming their alert at reporters and bloggers alike.

Amazon Joins Twitter And Youtube With Policy Chipping Away At Free Speech

We have seen nearly every single social media platform remove content that is not aligned with the World Health Organization or the scientist in chief “Dr. Fouci”, who recently switched sides on the stay-at-home order (now stating that the lock-down can cause “irrepairable damage“. The CDC also has put out several guidelines that it has walked back. This is of course a normal thing, as we learn more about this pandemic, we as a society update our approach, update regulations, guidelines, etc…

Isn’t it possible that a reporter could stumble upon a new truth about COVID-19? Especially, since reporters are the largest source of investigating facts in our society?

Why would amazon be concerned about the content of a blog or news website that is not aligned with government? It is not illegal to disagree with government is it? We as a people are the government of the United States. Our laws are formed through collective political action through voting. The next regulation is only a single vote away. It seems as though these platforms, Amazon alike, are more concerned with setting their own regulations, which are de facto law’s due to the platforms stranglehold on access to information.

If we take to these draconian social policies from Twitter, Youtube and now Amazon, how could government ever adapt, overcome and change for the better? Someone has to disagree with the current state of affairs to present a new idea, right? Or am I missing something here.

It has long been warned through several alternative news outlets, pundits and dissenters alike that the American government was heeding to the Big Tech oligarchies of our time. It seems as though that fear is now a truth that is spreading into our economy, business, social life, etc.. and moving beyond just the self-governing of social media posts.

Amazon Needs To Clarify COVID-19 Alert

Is Amazon worried about snake oil salesmen, or are they aiming at yet another stance on free speech? This alert from Amazon is very unclear and it is extremely worrisome at the least.

We have seen other financial platforms like PayPal ban people from accessing their technology due to ideas they disagree with, Alex Jones for example (Paypal acted against what they called hate promotion)… Banning individuals from access to financial tools and basic economic freedoms to buy and sell is a steep cliff the United States surely was not founded on.

We have also seen Amazon ban books that they disagree with in the past, like Dr. Joseph Nicolosi’s book, “A Parent’s Guide to Preventing Homosexuality.”, which aims to, “help people who have unwanted same-sex sexual attractions deal with those feelings“. A controversial topic, yes, but banned? When Amazon still sells Mein Kampf, Hitlers manifesto (as reported by the New York Times as recent as this March, of 2020.

Youtube CEO Admits Censorship Of Content Opposing World Health Organization

In an interview with Brian Stelter of CNN, Susan Wojcicki, came to the forefront of free speech censorship admitting that she would remove “any content containing medical advice that contradicts World Health Organisation (WHO) coronavirus recommendations“

Amazon’s CEO Jeff Bezos owes its hundreds of thousands of associates a public clarification of this alert and guidance. It is not enough to merely send out an ambiguous alert to the Amazon Associate dashboard. Many Americans and citizens of the world in general, rely heavily on Amazon affiliate sales to support their families and often times run entire businesses focused around the Amazon platform.

Jeopardizing the livelihood of an individual due to a disagreement in perception or ideological framework is not what America stands for and developing nations around the world are still seeking the American Dream, no matter how muddy the waters have become.

If this was about snake oil salesmen, Amazon wouldn’t even have to send out an alert. We all know what it means to lie and be deceitful. This is about changing the ideological framework and shifting the authorities of general public discord.

Forget scholarship and government, Big Tech is your daddy now.

SOURCES

https://affiliate-program.amazon.com/home

https://www.ftc.gov/news-events/blogs/business-blog/2020/03/ftc-fda-warn-companies-making-coronavirus-claims

https://www.cdc.gov/coronavirus/2019-ncov/index.html

https://www.lexology.com/library/detail.aspx?g=67d4c0cf-36b3-4534-a830-3e94c4a6260b

https://www.dmlp.org/sites/citmedialaw.org/files/FTC%20Guides%20Official.pdf

https://www.ftc.gov/news-events/press-releases/2018/12/nobetes-dietary-supplement-marketers-settle-ftc-complaint

https://www.foxnews.com/health/fauci-says-extended-stay-home-orders-could-cause-irreparable-damage

https://www.washingtonpost.com/technology/2018/09/21/paypal-bans-alex-jones-saying-infowars-promoted-hate-or-discriminatory-intolerance/

https://thefederalist.com/2019/07/15/amazon-bans-books-sex-attraction-not-nazi-propaganda/

https://www.nytimes.com/2020/03/17/technology/amazon-hitler-mein-kampf.html

https://youtu.be/4JsnKursVpU

https://www.nbcnews.com/feature/nbc-out/amazon-removes-controversial-books-father-conversion-therapy-n1026446

https://geniuslink.com/blog/just-big-amazon-associates-program/

https://marketingland.com/google-celebrates-10-years-of-adsense-48695

https://www.washingtontimes.com/news/2020/apr/30/youtube-censorship-of-doctors-bucking-covid-19-cra/

https://www.law.cornell.edu/constitution/eighth_amendment

[ireneinisolation-blog]

3/22 - A Beautiful Day

Not following my regular pattern as much as usual of these broad topic ramblings. Instead I want to focus on today. It was a beautiful spring day today. I went for a run in the mid afternoon, after spending the morning skyping with a friend/practically family, followed by skyping with my parents, sister, and soon to be brother in law. It was a social day, despite the distance. And then I ran. Partly to ward off weight gain from long time cooped up (heard this referred to as the dreaded “covid 19″ that is supposed to sound like “freshman 15.” I also ran because it was beautiful out, and I was excited and enthusiastic about the world in a way that I haven’t felt much of recently. (Unfortunately for me, tree pollen season isn’t actually the best time for running, so it ended up being a run, some extra walking in the middle, and then another second/partial run on the way back.)

It was bright and beautiful. That wide open sky was a clear light blue, and wisps of clouds scattered across it. Recent snow caused large puddles to form here and there, including an especially large one across from my apartment complex in which a couple of ducks (or more appropriately a duck couple) were lounging. As I ran I also passed a lot of prairie dogs. Typical. I don’t really have a fondness for those creatures anymore the way that I did when I was younger because they have nearly tripped me up while riding my bike so many times now that I find them too stupid for their own good. And as I ran past today, I had to side step multiple prairie dogs to avoid stepping straight onto one! Which I know would be more damaging to them than to me, but potential rabies exposure-wise, the potential collision doesn’t sound fun (especially because I really don’t want to go to the hospital or even doctor’s office now of all times!) But what enthused me about running through all these prairie dogs was the number of them that were out! I mean, the reason they seem like such a pest and a nuisance to us is because we have encroached onto their territory further and further. WE are the invasive species here. It excites me to see so many wild animals reclaiming their space after this short period of social distancing. The world outside is ready and waiting to take back what we’ve took. It would be great if we could find a better balance between humans and nature even in regular, non-coronavirus times.

Lot of birds chirping up in the trees too. That was nice as well. And as I ran and approached major intersections that I were normally need to wait at for a significant period of time after hitting the crosswalk button, I instead got to run across during long breaks in the very slow trickle of traffic. I could have walked across, or even luxuriated for a bit in the middle of the road, but I was on a run anyway, plus it seems like an unnecessary disruption were a car to appear!

It was hard to keep the smile off my face. And it is so strange to have this feeling of elation when the world is falling apart at the seams. But the joy of seeing so few cars, to see the human impact on the natural world around us lessen, to see animals taking up space rightfully theirs, and to see such clear blue skies after a winter sprinkled with many days of smog from heavy traffic is a delight! I cannot contain my happiness for the way that nature prevails.

Worth noting too that the reason this whole coronavirus thing became an issue in the first place is because of humans encroaching on natural habitats including those of bats, and other species that interact with bats, and all of a sudden, a new disease makes the leap to people. There is so much China-hating and general xenophobia right now related to the cause of coronavirus. Bat soup anyone? Fucking assholes. Meanwhile, one doesn’t need to look far to see all the ways that we have encroached on animal habitats. Wealthy white people in their monstrosity houses.

Anyway, that last part was an angry tangent. But you get the gist. It was absolutely gorgeous outside.

Here’s the downside. In an effort to stop the spread, we may soon be asked to limit our time outdoors. In fact, it has already been suggested we do so, but at this time it is merely a suggestion without penalty. That would certainly make quarantine much more dismal... on top of an already dismal situation.

Here’s the other thing I’ve been thinking about. When news of the virus first emerged in China in early January, the photos looked like they were taken from pages of a dystopian novel. Death and dying in the dark and cold winter months has a different feel than they do when it is beautiful. Sure, disasters know no seasons perhaps - especially disasters that aren’t related to the weather! - but there is something about the clear blue sky overhead and the birds chirping and the ducks lounging in a large puddle made from recently melted snow (that is also making the grass all around much greener than it was) that just feels like it couldn’t possibly be taken from a page of a dystopian novel. It is truly hard to believe that it is the same disease that ravaged China that is here now. In the darkness of winter I may have felt more afraid. But in the light of day with the warmth of the springtime Colorado sun on my skin, I can hardly feel the same horror now that I witnessed from a distance through news articles out of China in January. Maybe once the virus has made a larger impact here - once I know more people with the virus (which no matter how much I hope that it will spare or only be mild for people I know, I would guess that the virus will not listen) - maybe then I will begin to feel the doom and gloom that I felt in looking at the pictures of Wuhan in January.

Of course I think I will rally to feeling quite depressed. It’s not like devastation is not experienced in beautiful or warm places. Cholera hit Haiti in 2010 under a year after the massive earthquake. Even within the Caribbean heat, surrounded by pale blue sea, mass suffering occurred, specifically related to a disease (mass suffering was indeed already taking place from the earthquake itself).

That’s something else too. My mental health fluctuates day to day, sometimes hour to hour. I suspect I might be on a 4 or 5 day cycle right now. Day 1: feelin’ good, Day 2: feelin’ okay, Day 3: feelin’ a bit off, Day 4: feelin’ like crap. Maybe a fifth day inserted somewhere... like before day 1, there is a recovery day from the last day of the last cycle where I am feeling in “recovery mode.” Today I was feelin’ good, and had a recovery day yesterday. The day before that I felt like crap.

Anyway, I don’t know what the future holds. But today was beautiful.

[surveys-at-your-service]

Survey #321

i’m exploring the deepest recesses of tumblr to unearth super old surveys, so you can expect an onslaught of ‘em.

When someone is tailgating you, do you drive faster or slower? I drive the same speed, even though it makes me incredibly uncomfortable. What place outside of your own home do you spend the most time at? My sister's place. Have you ever been snorkeling? No. Do most of your relatives live in the same state/province as you? No; only my parents and immediate sisters live here. Have you ever participated in a medical study? No. Is there a food you hate that everyone else seems to like? Especially where I live, fried chicken. It's disgusting. Have you ever had to evacuate from a natural disaster? No. Do you have any family members who are cancer survivors? Numerous, actually. Do you have any licenses other than your driver's license? I don't even have a driver's license, never mind anything else. What job does you significant other have? I’m single. When you were in elementary school, what was a typical afternoon like once you got home from school? I did my homework right away; well, after having a snack. After that, I was most likely on the computer playing Neopets or Webkinz, or something on the PlayStation. Is your favorite movie part of a series? Yes. Have you ever played in a water puddle? Sure, as a kid. I loved that. Have you ever played in a mud puddle? I don't think so. Have you ever kissed someone (outside) in the rain? Yes. He did it purely to be romantic, lol. Have you ever lost control of your car in the rain? No, thank fuck. Have you ever had to attend summer school? No. Have you ever experienced a summer where the temperature exceeded 120'F/49'C? Yikes, no, not that high. The highest we usually get is below 110. Do you live in a hot or cold (normally) climate? Hot. It sucks. Has your community ever had a “smog alert”? No. Have you ever raked leaves, and then played in them? Oh, absolutely as a kid. Dad would rake a pile just for us kids. Have they ever cancelled school because it was too hot? At least once, yes. Have you ever had to shovel snow? No. Have you ever experienced “cat’s breath”, where the wind was so powerful it took your breath away, literally? Yep, especially when I visited Sara and we went on a walk. It was fucking outrageous. Safe to say I didn't last long on that walk. Has your/or have you been in a car that was stuck in a snowstorm? No. What does your MySpace profile look like? I haven't seen it since that site was still "a thing." I do remember, however, that it was COVERED in meerkats, haha. Pictures, facts, etc. And my page song was "Pocketful of Sunshine" by Natasha Beddingfield lmao. Do you like living in the country or city better? Country, 100%. I'm not a city gal by any means. Do you have a big backyard? No, it's very small. Not used to that at all. What is your favorite Adam Sandler movie? I don't know, he's in too many to choose lmao. What was the last thing that surprised you? Apparently a rocket crashed today after launch. What color hair did your first crush have? Brown. Have you ever visited your state’s capitol building? No. I... didn't even know those existed lmao I feel dumb. Who was the last person that said something that warmed your heart? I'm not sure, but I'm quite certain my niece or nephew would be involved there, haha. What is your favorite park? I don't have one. Have you ever felt an earthquake? No. Do you believe anyone is asexual? ???????????? Yes???????????? Were you abused? No. Have you ever missed a deadline? Yeah. Can you tell Mary-Kate and Ashley apart in pictures? I haven't seen them in an eternity, idk. Describe your fondest memory: I don't really want to... but I'll entertain the question. It's hard to choose, and they just about all include Jason. I think what I hold closest though was our dance to "Stairway to Heaven" after prom in the headlights of his car in my front yard. It's something that physically hurts to remember. What song makes you cry every time you hear it? Let's set aside my "trigger songs" for this. "Terrible Things" by Mayday Parade does it very easily. How often do you break your promises? I almost never do. I don't bullshit around with promises. I've only ever broken ones I'd forgotten I'd made, if my memory serves me right. How long do you take in the shower, on average? Not even 10 minutes. Do you have your MySpace/Facebook profile set to a "friends only" setting? Yes. Did your last kiss mean anything? Why or why not? Of course it did. I care very, very deeply for her. Are your summers usually boring and relaxing, or busy and interesting? "Summers are hot and miserable." <<<< mood Tell me a crazy thing you did as a child. I don't really think I did anything "crazy" as a child, just weird. Like pretending to be a father penguin arranging rocks to mock a nest. I was fuckin weird. How many best friends do you have? One. When you’re upset, who do you wanna talk to the most? Either Sara, Mom, or nobody. Opinion on Daughtry? They're nice. "No Surprise" is positively beautiful. Do you like country music? Noooooo. What’s been the most awkward situation you've been in? Okay, possible TMI. Basically, Jason's parents arrived home way, way earlier than they were supposed to and my panicky ass couldn't find my clothes quickly, and when I finally did, I had to dress as quickly as possible in his tiny-ass closet while he distracted his mom and dad lmfao. I'ma just say it was a very close call to me melting into a mortified puddle. I look back on it and laugh now, but the absolute, throbbing fear I felt was NOT funny back then lmfao. Don’t you love that feeling when you look at someone and you just melt? <3 That is genuinely one of the best feelings in the entire world. Do you prefer male or female singers? I have no preference. So what are you planning for this summer? Nothing, really... Who knows where the Covid situation will be then. What’s a good book? In general for absolutely anyone, Johnny Got His Gun by Dalton Trumbo. It is a book about pacifism that is so very deep and emotional. For women, I highly recommend The Handmaid's Tale by Margaret Atwood. As a woman myself, the concept of the book is terrifying, to be reduced to reproduction machines without rights, so it's something you can really feel as a female. It's a book that definitely makes you want to fight for women's rights. Is it awkward for you when your parents talk to you about boys etc… No. I'm a grown woman. Now if she asked about my sex life (if I had one), I'd feel a bit weird, but not very. Do you like it when guys play with your hair? Yeah. Ever cried when you had to say goodbye to someone? Well of course. Over multiple people. Have your parents ever hated one of your boyfriends/girlfriends? No. Have you ever dreamt of someone you barely know? Indeed. Do you have a blood donor’s card? Yep. Have you ever taken a pregnancy test? I had to before surgery. Has anyone seen you naked in the last week? No. What kind of doctor did you go to the last time you went? It was via phone, but I talked with my psychiatrist a few days ago. Does your ex still think about you? I'm sure Sara and Girt do, as they're my good friends, but idk if either think of me romantically. I would hope Jason at least remembers me with some degree of care in his heart... As for Juan, Aaron, and Tyler, idk if they do and I don't really care. What has been bothering you a lot lately? My weight. Are you trustworthy? I think so, yes. Did your parents teach that white lies were ok? Yeah, but it definitely depends on the situation. Which literary character would you dress up as, if you had to choose one? Speaking of The Handmaid's Tale, for Halloween one year, I really, really want to take some cool photos of me dressed as a handmaid with a (obviously fake) blood splatter over my stomach. What (or who) is the best thing that ever happened to you? Being born with the mom I have, probably. I have no idea. None. Of where I'd be without her. Do you miss college? Sigh, sometimes... but I'm not going back. No chance. Dropping out three times due to my mental state hints at a clear pattern. Have you ever called a teacher “mom”? Yeah, accidentally. Except with my physical science teacher in HS that eventually became my "other mom" and most recently our landlord, even. I call her "Mama" sometimes. What was the name of your first imaginary friend? It was a wolf whose name I don't remember. What color was your nursery when you were a baby? No clue. What is your favorite arcade game? I desperately wanna go to a location that has Silent Hill: The Arcade. :/ That's on my bucket list. It's very rare. Are you allergic to grass? No. Do you remember to water plants? I don’t have any plants to water. What is your favorite fall drink? I don't drink any "fall" drinks. Favorite winter drink? Hot chocolate! Favorite spring drink? There are "spring" drinks? Favorite summer drink? Gimme a nice, cold margarita. Name three creative people you know. Sara, Tez, and Mini are some of the most creative people I've ever written with. Name 3 YouTubers you aspire to be like. Mark in like a million different ways, I look up greatly to Jeffree Star's work ethic (say what you will about him personally, but holy shit does mama WORK), and Emzotic for her incredible growth after trauma that's left her more confident than ever, and she's amazing with animals and just a darling overall. Does anyone know who your current crush is? Yeah, I'm pretty open about it. Have you ever been scammed? Not successfully, no. Which song describes your life? I relate to "Get Up" by Mother Mother a lot at this point in my life. If someone dislikes you, what is most likely to be the reason? Probably because I open up so slowly/am very secretive of myself when someone might be trying to get close. People have also criticized my laziness. Where did you meet the last person you swapped numbers with? YouTube. At least I think Tez was the last person I gave my number to. Who was the last person to add you as a friend on Facebook? Hunter, my neighbor growing up. Who was the last person that asked if you were okay? My therapist. I had to leave group due to severe abdominal cramping. It was just my period, but he just wanted to check. What was the last thing you bought from a vending machine? Probably a soda back when I was still in school. Has anyone given you butterflies recently? Actually yeah; I had a memory of Sara that caused 'em to revisit me. What was the name of the first person you ever had a crush on? Why did you like them? I'm going to exclude my puppy-dog crush (Dylan) and talk about my first "real" crush, Sebastian. I liked him because we had very similar interests, he was really friendly, nice, and funny, and he clearly trusted me a lot because he actually confided in me regarding the relationship he was in that was struggling and causing him a lot of pain. I thought he was attractive, too. Ngl, I wonder sometimes where we could have gone if he hadn't been dating the girl, because I'm 90% sure he was into me, too. In current times, he very recently got engaged! Super happy for him. Which parent do you identify with the most? My ma. What do you think you cook or bake the best? Scrambled eggs, I guess. That's just about all I CAN make, haha. My family likes 'em. I always use American cheese, salt, pepper, and a bit of hot sauce. What embarrasses you the most in front of other people? Admitting I RP. If you had to choose one thing you were most passionate about, what would it be and why? Of actually important things, gay rights. If we're talkin' passionate about anything, then the answer's meerkats, duh. Who are you most envious of—real or fictional—and why? A rival photographer that lives here. I absolutely hate admitting that, but yeah, I'm extremely envious of her. She gets way more traffic than I do by a long shot, even though I, from a completely modest and honest standpoint, genuinely think I do better work than her. It's just frustrating. All about who you know in this business. How old is the most expired item in your fridge? Supposedly our milk expired on the 1st, but it smells just fine? And mind you, I am very cautious with expiration dates, and I've found milk typically starts to smell bad a few days earlier than the date to me. This jug is an outlier. What are your favorite style of underwear? I'm a fat old lady that likes high-waisted underwear. What’s the saddest song you’ve ever heard? Maybe "The Ballad of Dwight Fry" by Alice Cooper. I could name tons, though. How about the sweetest song? Maybe "Easy to Love You" by Theory of a Deadman. Another song I struggle to listen to because it was one of mine and Jason's "songs." Do you know how to play dominoes? No. Are you proud of what you’re doing with your heart and time right now? Not in the least. Why or why not? I'm just wasting time. Doing nothing with true meaning, and I seem unable to get over this low point I'm in. How many bones have you broken? One. Well, I was told "fractured," but apparently that's the same thing as broken? Have you ever won anything? Big or small? Yeah, multiple things. What food will you absolutely not, under any circumstances, eat? Animals like cats or dogs. Pets, basically. I would feel WAY too weird. Has anything/anyone every saved your life before? Yes. What is one thing you’re embarrassed to admit you want to try? If I'm embarrassed by it, why would I share it with whoever reads these? What is the most important memory you have and why? When I decided it was truly time to move on from Jason. Why that's my most important is obvious: it changed my mindset and life in general. Is there something you wish you had said sorry for but never did? God, I hope Jason read my apology email I last sent him. I finally accepted I did wrong, too, and I want to know that he knows that. Who was the last person you know to have a birthday? My youngest niece's first birthday was mid-February. What’s a musical instrument you think sounds really beautiful? The violin. Do you play that instrument? I wish I could. Do you have a favorite type of pasta? (like a shape of noodles, not dish) Just spaghetti noodles, ig. How many times a day do you brush your teeth? Once. Who sent the last e-mail you got? My PHP therapist sent me the Zoom link to our group session. Do you have a favorite shape? Out of basic ones, circles. What’s the last song you bought/downloaded? I don't recall. Probably something by 3TEETH. Have you ever been on a trapeze? Hell nah. Do you buy chocolate after Valentine’s Day when it goes on sale? No. Do you personally know anyone who is an author? I met a poet at the psych hospital once. I also have an old friend who had something published in a magazine, I think. Do you own a polaroid camera? No, but I'd love to to take more ~aesthetic~ photographs sometimes. What is something you think is underrated? Snakes! :( They're not scary or gross, nor do they in any way deserve to be killed. I wish the worth of snakes was seen much more clearly. They are spectacular, intriguing animals. Around what temperature do you consider it to be too hot outside? Once it hits like 65*F, I'm starting to feel uncomfortable. In what ways do you expect your life to be different one year from now? I hope beyond hope that I have a job I enjoy. And that I'm driving again. What’s a hobby you used to have, but don’t anymore? I used to loooove video editing, but I've lost all motivation for it. Do you have any exercise equipment in your home? Somewhere we have this one stretchy thing that I have no idea what it's called, then there are two sets of small weights somewhere. Where is the farthest north you’ve traveled to? New York. Farthest south? Florida. East? Well, ya can't go more east in NC unless you want to drive into the ocean... lol. West? Illinois. If you have/want children, will you raise them similar to the way you were raised? If I had kids, I would in some ways, but in a lot of other ways, no. Do you have any unusual decorations in your home? Nothing strange, no. What is the highest level math class you’ve completed? I don't know. Not very high. Do you have an ebook reader? (iPad, Kindle, etc.) No. What kind of natural disaster is most common where you live? Hurricanes. Have you ever had an animal get into your attic? No. When was the last time you started a “new chapter” of your life? 2017, ig. What is the last random act of kindness you did? I guess you could consider a loving text to Sara a random act of kindness?

[asryakino]

Fucking ignore this

When I was about fourteen, I began having these incidents. Where I would be laying in bed, scrolling through the internet and my heart would suddenly start going nuts. My chest would hurt, I couldn’t breathe, my skin would get clammy and I’d get sweaty. The incident would last about ten minutes, and things would calm down...

After the first few, I told my mother, who took me to the doctor. A new pediatrician took over my file from my old and immediately declared the incidents were panic attacks. My mother suggested it might be related to the asthma I had been diagnosed with as a baby, and the doctor announced that no, it absolutely was NOT asthma, it was PANIC ATTACKS and she had EXACTLY the medicine for that. Where I would have developed asthma she had no idea. All those doctors from years past had no idea what a PANIC ATTACK looked like and she knew. I didn’t have words to ask if it was my heart. I was 14, I had been getting my period, I was scared of the world, I hated everything and I couldn’t breathe right or play because I was allergic to pretty much everything in the world. Why would I know how to ask someone to look at my heart? She demanded we go to a therapist and be diagnosed for my OBVIOUS anxiety and panic attacks, and she refused, outright to look for any other solution. So we went ot hte therapist I had been going to since I was 8... and he wrote a not-so-kind letter back to the doctor requesting she kindly not diagnose his long time patients with conditions they did not have, and to look for a PHYSICAL reason as she was NOT a psychology doctor she was a physical doctor and to kindly stay in her lane in the future and take a look for a medical reason for these incidents.

The incidents continued, after being told off by the psychologist, she reluctantly admitted the incidents COULD possibly be asthma, and I just needed to take my asthma medication when they happened.

Except, I had been. the medication made them worse, and I would end up shakey, disorientated, and uncomfortable because my heart would thud in my ears.

Side effects of the asthma medication, you’re having asthma attacks. You have asthma, so it’s nothing but that.

I learned to hate my asthma medication. It made my chest hurt worse, I could breathe, but my head would pound I felt like the world was caving in around me, I was paranoid (I didn’t know the word) and jittery...

The incidents continued. Every doctor would take a look at my medical history and announce it was asthma.

Not one ever looked at my heart.

The incidents get worse under stress, physical or mental. Most times I won’t be doing anything though. I’ll get excited, and happy... and it’ll happen. I’ll be mostly calm and see something that makes me superbly happy... it happens. When I get stressed my heart feels like it’ll jump from my chest, like it’s beating against my ribs and I feel choked. My lungs tighten up, my blood rushes and pounds in my ears, and my body goes clammy and cold and then I begin coughing and choking because there isn’t enough air. I black out sometimes, because there’s no air. It turns into an asthma attack. I take my inhaler. I can breathe, but the thudding heart remains, the headaches change, but stay, my skin doesn’t get warm, and I shake.

Every medical professional declared the same thing. It’s just your asthma. You don’t have anything else wrong with you. It’s allergies and asthma. When I got older, I got overweight. Now the diagnosis is that I’m too fat. I need to lose weight, and everything else is nothing but asthma. You have asthma, so that must be it.

I learned control. When the incidents begin, I stop, I control my breathing, I close my eyes. I force my breathing to go a certain way so the muscles push against my heart and force it to stop beating so hard. I breathe, I take deep breathes and concentrate on which parts of my lungs to inflate most, to squeeze my heart for seconds at a time, to make it stop feeling as if it’ll burst out of my chest. I flex my pec muscles to squeeze everything down, I rotate my shoulders to align my ribs so I can push against my own chest and stop my flighty organs from going haywire.

I got electorcated at work, twice in the same day. My boss was forced by OSHA to take me to the hospital. He dropped me off at the ER door and drove away. The ER nurses declared I hadn’t been electorcated, because they couldn’t find K in my blood. By the time OSHA forced my boss to take me to the ER, it had been nearly an hour, my back was locked up, and I had felt the electricity go through my heart. The ER said my heart was fine, my lungs were clear. But I had asthma, so breathe this nebulizer. The chest pains were nothing but asthma.

My dad pushed a factory job on me, the stress of being on the assembly line caused it again, I passed out that time. I whited out. I was fine and looked away from the line, but everything wouldn’t stop moving and I couldn’t concentrate on my method for stopping it. My dad insisted it was dehydration and undernourished. The doctor said it was asthma. We paid 200$ for the doctor to ignore my pleas to check my heart. Something was -wrong- would they please just LOOK at my heart... something was WRONG. You have asthma, this was nothing but an asthma attack. You need to keep your inhaler on you and take it. That’s all.

I’ve had “walking pneumonia”, and I’ve had lower pneumonia. I’ve had pleurisy... I’ve had lots of respiratory illnesses over the years. My mother, father, grandparents, great grandparents, several uncles and aunts, and even great aunts and uncles have all had heart issues. My mother has 3/4 of a heart, one chamber doesn’t beat properly, particularly when she gets stressed.

My father’s had two bypass surgeries already.

I continue to have incidents. And I’ve been sick for over a year, never -really- getting better. Only a week or two of good days.

My lungs feel like when you try to blow a balloon up underwater, and when I do get air in them, it feels like there’s only half as much as there should be.

I saw a doctor about 6 weeks ago, he heard me coughing. It was bad, a hard barking cough that threatened to make me pass out again. I’ve had it on and off for a year. If I laugh too much now, I start coughing and then I have an incident.

I told him that.  I told him I’ve been sick for a while, but can’t do anything about it, I told him my chest hurts, if I laugh or get stressed I start coughing, and I told him sometimes I’ll just get excited and my heart will start going weird and wild, then I start coughing.

“Have you been tested for asthma, that breathing problem sounds like asthma”

“I’ve had asthma since I was a baby.”

“Oh well there you go, it’s just asthma attacks.”

Now. Covid-19 is around, everyone is going off. “You should get that checked out, it sounds bad.”

“You should go to the doctor”

“You should get ot the hospital”

Why?

all they are ever going to tell me is that I have asthma. Because after 36 years of very distinctively different feelings when I have an asthma attack and ~an incident~ and now this sickness. I clearly don’t know what my own asthma attacks feel like. But every fucking doctor out there will know it in thirty seconds from looking at my health records.

I’m fat. I have asthma.

They will never check to see why asthma meds don’t help. They will never check my heart. They will never test me for a virus. They will never test me for pneumonia, or flu, or anything else.

I have to INSIST for a strep test when I get strep because:

“You have asthma”

“It’s just an asthma attack”

“Take your inhaler”

If I go to the doctor I pay for the privilege of being told, for the millionth time, that I have asthma.

Because if it was ever anything else, they would have to do actual work.

I have NEVER had a stress test, I have only ever had one EKG (when I was electrocuted) and since becoming an adult I haven’t had a single chest xray.

[lovecanbesostrange]

Well, that sure was a Grey’s Anatomy season finale.

I am kinda glad they got the whole year out of the way. They did like 2 months in which A LOT happened and then there was so much year left, but pandemic brings things to a halt and hooray, the vaccine is here, the outlook isn’t as grim anymore (they acknowledge long term effects, thanks) and they can paddle forwards.

BUT... here I sit, thinking back to the end of S11. After Derek’s death we got a two-parter that gave us nine months worth of development, so Meredith would sorta retreat to heal and have baby!Ellis (how glad is Zola to not share a name with any [dead] person?). And everything that happened for the characters was somewhat sloppy and felt wrong. Especially a lot with the Amelia/Owen relationship. They were somewhat good together, had this massive stand-still during that time, even though it felt like things happened and then picked it up through S12. Or how Jackson/April got really, really, REALLY bad at being on the same page about their relationship. (And also it looked like Alex took on a big brother role towards Maggie, but we never got back to that.)

So, watching now especially the Amelia/Link bits... hurts. Because the show is telling me, that the two people, who had a very healthy relationship (a rarity on Grey’s!), stopped their good communication habits. And I hate that. I think Amelia is entirely right to say “I don’t want more kids”. I think it’s very good for her to know that. I can understand that she is scared to admit that, that it could crush Link and then take this relationship from her. That she is scared of losing him. And that she has this bad habit of keeping it in. But for over half a year?! Wow. That is so bad.

And don’t get me wrong. I think Link is doing his best and whatever he says, however excited he is, he loves Amelia and wants to do good. But the way he trampled over her when helping out Jo. Such a bad look, dude. He had to ask her first, before giving Jo a definitive yes. Her tendency to catastrophize should be known to him. And worst case would have been to suddenly either adopt Luna themselves or letting her go to another set of parents willing to do with adoption. Which would have been soulcrushing. You don’t do that lightly. I think it was an amazing gesture of friendship... borderline idiotic, but for people you love... and I hate the fact we didn’t get a single scene with Amelia and Jo. But I have things to say about that later.

The problem is that Link doesn’t know there is a problem. Plus he made a very idiotic comparison, because Zola, Bailey and Ellis are in fact related to Amelia. They are family. Helping out Meredith is different than helping out Jo. But I guess it’s clear that Link loves those kids as well by now. Still very unsure of using them in a proposal. I think buying different rings was great, to show that he cares very much about what Amelia does like and that he doesn’t assume anything at first glance. And we as the viewers know he’s been carrying those for months. But yeah, that too should have been a private moment only, I guess.

But it is also very unfair, that he does not know about her actual wants and needs. That loving him and Scout is enough, that she is not up for adding more babies. And she does need to tell him. The fact he will never fully understand how much addiction has messed with her self-perception, how it affects every decision she makes - it’s hard. But they had figured out that they deal with stress in very different ways and that communication is key. And suddenly they are both bad at it again for the drama. I don’t like that.

And let me jump to Jo here. My heart kinda breaks how she is still the odd man out. Is she even friends with anyone besides Link? Everybody on this show finds spouses, romantic relationships that at least end with friendships after it ends (even Owen and Amelia, look at that). And they have this character who grew up with nobody, was isolated by her first husband, had her entire storyline revolve around her then second husband and now....... yes, she has Luna. Jo Wilson will be the single mom to out-mom every mom who has a village helping her.................... because she has to be. It breaks my heart. They couldn’t even give us Jo begrudginly letting Levi and Taryn in. (Who I guess are roomies now in the loft???)

On the one hand it would be nice having a character making all these choices to show us, that yes, sometimes people don’t have this big friend group and they do a lot of shit alone. But on the other the writers keep making weird choices for her, because there is nobody trying to break her walls; not even knock on them to find a weak spot. And I hate it. I know Meredith Grey is the epi-centre and when she was attacked we had this moment of “every doctor here is her family”. Jo has Link, I guess. Also, she now has Jackson’s apartment and that I love!!! Ahahahahahaha. It was nice they finally acknowledged that she owned shares. And well, who else would buy those in this specific economy. Poor Bailey..........

Well, anyway, an episode that directly uses “it takes a village”, while watching Jo going through fighting for Luna pretty much alone, because what Link (and Amelia) did for her, is resolved in quick dialogue and more about the problems those two have................. *huge sigh* (I loved when Jo said “Luna’s lawyer”; baby fighting for her life, well, her entire life so far, already has a shark lawyer)

I hate to admit it, but Owen’s proposal towards Teddy was super cute. We all know she loves snow and it was good. They were good. Ugh. I wish them well, so maybe we don’t have to suffer anymore, that would be nice......

Meredith keeps being superwoman and I like it. I like when she pushes to do things right, but not by the books. But also, I hope she understands that her job of teaching demands that people need to learn rules and protocols. AND IN THE END SHE DID A THING AND GOT TO TALK TO CRISTINA ABOUT IT!! HOORAY!!!

The Maggie/Winston weddings was super lovely. I liked how it was made clear that there was no reason to rush. Make it a huge family event when it’s possible again. They weren’t dating for long. And now they have had like eight months more. Which went by uneventful and in bliss apparently. lol That’s the problem with these skip-eps, it looks like some people are so drama-free for a long period. Unbelievable.

As for Station 19 all I want to say is, how much I loathe the fact that nobody was strictly there for Carina. All of Maya’s my-found-family-are-my-work-buddies were there. (I mean, of course with covid rules, them all being in one bubble, sure, okay, but if only Carina had friends...)