#because he thinks he can't ever have damen

[thickenmyblood]

why did laurent start dating / having sex with maxime, even before nicaise found out? maybe this is something we find out in ch. 20, but throughout hiuh i’ve really struggled to understand or empathize with laurent in this area. you’ve mentioned him being self-destructive, or how it was good for his ego to bring a date in front of damen. but why did he feel the need to throw it in damen’s face when damen was the one who got dumped? why would he let maxime call him baby and walk all over his boundaries when this guy is a total stranger? i know some people have speculated that maxime is a uncle-stand in, but to me that doesn’t parallel bc there the abuse happened because laurent did (unfortunately) love and trust his uncle at the beginning, which enabled his uncle to abuse him. i’m honestly really trying to see where this sexual self-harm aspect of laurent comes from when it’s with a complete stranger who doesn’t seem to like laurent as a person or give him any real affection. he said sex was the foundation of their relationship, which seems odd for an ascetic person like laurent who even in hiuh canon doesn’t seem to have engaged in that kind of relationship before dating damen, when he was in a way worse physical and emotional state, unless i’m wrong.

i really, really hope this doesn’t come off as criticizing or accusatory in any way — it is your story and you can characterize laurent any way you want! to me it’s felt like this is the one area so far where laurent has been extremely defensive and refuses to take responsibility, even though it really hurt damen — not just being jealous, but being compared to maxime over and over again by laurent’s friends and implicitly by laurent himself — not to mention how it hurt nicaise. yes, damen had flings, but he didn’t try to replace laurent after two months or ever shove it in laurent’s face. and yet it feels like damen over-apologizes for ever asking about maxime or suggesting laurent’s behavior was harmful. i don’t see how damen could get over this massive insecurity when laurent appears to ridicule or dismiss him for bringing it up, like with the condom conversation or the pet name issue.

feel free to ignore this message, but always appreciate hearing why you chose a particular characterization!

hello! i get this question every once in a while so i thought i'd answer it today since we're about to be done with the story. i didn't take it as an attack or anything and it's a very cool question!

but why did he feel the need to throw it in damen’s face when damen was the one who got dumped?

in a way, reading your ask, i think you answered some of these things yourself. why did he bring maxime to a bunch of events knowing damen would be there? because he wanted the upper hand, he wanted to be seen as having moved on (remember that he thinks damen has moved on, too), because it's an ego thing. but why do it if he was the one who dumped damen? same answers, but i'd add that it's implied in the story that laurent was surprised and hurt by how easily damen went along with the break up. laurent brings it up, says he can't do it anymore, and damen just goes to work and never comes back. once again, in a toxic and insecure way, there was a part of laurent that wanted damen to fight for it, to say "wait, let's turn things around" or something. obviously, that didn't happen, and laurent interpreted that as confirmation of a lot of negative thoughts he was already dealing with (damen wants out of this but he doesn't know how to do it, damen's too "nice" to say that he wants out, damen is looking for excuses to start arguments bc he's trying to get me to end this, etc.)

this is not me justifying laurent in any way. was it childish and immature to bring maxime to events bc he knew damen would be there and he wanted, along with all the reasons listed above, to make damen jealous? yes, probably. is it petty? yes. is it ooc? i don't know. i think laurent does exhibit some pettiness in the books.

why would he let maxime call him baby and walk all over his boundaries when this guy is a total stranger? i know some people have speculated that maxime is a uncle-stand in, but to me that doesn’t parallel bc there the abuse happened because laurent did (unfortunately) love and trust his uncle at the beginning, which enabled his uncle to abuse him. i’m honestly really trying to see where this sexual self-harm aspect of laurent comes from when it’s with a complete stranger who doesn’t seem to like laurent as a person or give him any real affection.

this part of the question is a bit more complicated for me to explain. i 100% agree with people's complaints that in this aspect hiuh laurent is ooc (compared to canon laurent). in the books, he doesn't sleep with anyone but damen, so everything regarding laurent/other men is always going to be ooc in some way (unless it's non con, i suppose).

maxime has to be a stranger. maxime has to be someone laurent doesn't care about, doesn't value, doesn't respect. it would never work between them if maxime was not a stranger, which is ultimately what happens in the fic (let's, for a second, ignore the fact that they also don't work out bc lamen are in love lol). when maxime wants more, laurent cuts him out.

why does he have to be a stranger? because hiuh laurent's biggest issue in this story is that he can't be vulnerable enough to be loved and accept that love. he loved damen, but he couldn't get to a level of vulnerability that allowed him to explain himself, to show himself to damen as he really is, and without that a relationship can't last. when you feel like you have to hide parts of yourself from the person you love, eventually that turns into resentment and anger and hurt.

when he starts sleeping with maxime, he's not looking for another boyfriend. he's not looking for love. he's not sleeping with maxime because he's too horny to function either. he lets maxime fuck him because there is something to prove. and here I have to apologize because to me this detail was so clear during my writing process that I'm only now realizing I did not do a good enough job of integrating it EXPLICITLY into the story. what is there to prove? laurent has only ever slept with two people in his life and only damen was a pleasurable, consensual situation. so, here's the setting: laurent and damen break up, they go no contact, months pass, laurent is STRUGGLING (nicaise mentions this time and time and time again in the fic), laurent has no way of knowing that damen is also miserable, laurent has no way of knowing that damen hasn't moved on (damen is, actually, at this point in time, fucking other people). laurent isn't looking for love or dates or romance, but then maxime shows up and he gives laurent an opportunity to prove to himself several things:

he has effectively moved on from damen (in his mind, having sex with other people = the ultimate 'i'm done with damen" move)

he is in control. he has only had consensual sex with one person in his life, which gives damen symbolic power over him in a weird, fucked up way. or... maybe the word isn't power, but status. damen has a status in laurent's mind and memories because he's the first person laurent CHOSE to have sex with, the first person he loved and showed him it could be good, etc. as long as damen maintains that status, laurent will never stop thinking about him, will never have anything to compare damen to and say "see, it wasn't that big of a deal". which brings me to...

he wants to minimize damen. he wants dismiss what damen meant to him, what their entire relationship meant, so it can be easier to move on. how do you move on if you're thinking "oh I broke up with the love of my life lol"? laurent needs to tell himself what he had with damen wasn't unique, wasn't that special. he can have it again (the SEXUAL part).

needless to say, this fails. he has sex with maxime and finds that it's nothing like it was with damen because it's WORSE, because having sex with damen was having sex with someone who knew him and loved him and respected him. laurent has sex with maxime but he's still thinking about damen, he's still in love with damen, the same way damen is having sex with kyra or trying to date iris while thinking and missing laurent.

once this realization sort of sinks in (yes, he can have sex with other people, yet that doesn't erase damen's status in his brain bc damen was special for a bunch of reasons I'm not gonna type in here - THEY'RE IN LOVE, YOUR HONOR) that's when the self-harm comes into the picture. (this is discussed a bit in ch20 so SPOILERS but)

what kind of sex are maxime and laurent having? it's not the slow, gentle, love making stuff damen knows laurent was into. it's rough, it's degrading, it's not as pleasurable, it's a chore, it leaves marks. does laurent want those marks? we don't know. does maxime ask him if he does? we don't know. you can make it as non con as you want because the text doesn't go into detail.

the petnames. "why does laurent like it when maxime says it but not damen?" I don't think he does. he never gives damen a straight answer on this, but he does say that it makes him feel like a bimbo. it makes him feel slightly degraded. he says it wasn't terrible, but he never says he wanted it or that it was good. it's implied that damen tried it once or twice at the very beginning of their relationship, and I think we can all tell why laurent didn't like it back then with him either (bimbo feelings, laurent using him for money, the power imbalance, etc.)

uncle parallels. okay, this one's a bit tricky. yes, you're right to think that the abuse laurent's uncle subjected him to is nothing like his relationship with maxime for a plethora of reasons, but I think the narrative supports some people's opinions that maxime does resemble uncle in some ways (older, brunette, has a beard). i did not write maxime as a literal uncle stand in, so of course it's not going to be a perfect comparison. i wouldn't even call maxime and laurent's relationship abusive.

he said sex was the foundation of their relationship, which seems odd for an ascetic person like laurent who even in hiuh canon doesn’t seem to have engaged in that kind of relationship before dating damen, when he was in a way worse physical and emotional state, unless i’m wrong.

i tried to mirror canon in hiuh when it comes to laurent's... choices? in canon, damen is the first person he's with after his uncle because he's the only one laurent trusts. i don't have any doubts that canon laurent was terribly lonely and probably wanted to be loved waaaaay before damen came into the picture (post uncle, I mean) but his context and environment were so violent and dangerous that he couldn't let his guard down. similarly, in hiuh, laurent leaves his uncle's house without any money and in a very vulnerable position. he's not exactly carefree and happy and able to be like "oh I wanna date and fool around!! explore my sexuality!!!!" - in fact, this is a pretty big plot point in hiuh: laurent did contact damen out of pure necessity.

and yes, sex is the foundation of maxime/laurent for all the reasons I stated above, but at the same time it's not all about sex. it's not even about sex. it's about control and self-punishment. it's about self-hatred. we also don't know what state laurent was in when he started seeing maxime because we don't have his pov, but we do have nicaise's testimony. again, this is briefly mentioned in ch20, but it wasn't exactly pretty.

however, having said all of this, i'm not blind or dumb enough to think oh hiuh laurent is sooooo canon laurent, not a trace of ooc-ness. i get where the characterization issues are coming from. at the end of the day, I have to say that this post summarizes a tiny bit of what went into creating hiuh laurent. i tried to make him as canon as possible, but I'm not pacat and so my characterization is different. my setting is different. the modern au is different. it is completely fair to read hiuh and think as a reader "i would not have gone in this direction, i don't think laurent would ever be with someone who isn't damen, i don't think it's consistent with his canon self". i accept those comments in the same way i accept those that say they love this laurent bc of XYZ.

this is the one area so far where laurent has been extremely defensive and refuses to take responsibility, even though it really hurt damen

i understand this, but at the same time i don't know how much responsibility laurent can take over that when it's... just dating/fucking someone else after a break up. he should apologize for making damen feel bad on purpose (perhaps taking maxime places), but the rest of it... damen also fucked and thought about dating other people. the comparisons you mention were cruel, but they were made, for example, by characters like aimeric (removed from the narrative entirely later on) and ancel (who tells damen he was wrong, who tells damen he thinks laurent made a mistake letting him go).

i don’t see how damen could get over this massive insecurity when laurent appears to ridicule or dismiss him for bringing it up, like with the condom conversation or the pet name issue.

i understand that, but i also think damen's insecurity wasn't born just from this issue. he is an insecure person throughout the fic. his toxic masculinity is one way this insecurity and lack of self-confidence manifest, for example. his fixation on penetrative sex. his fixation on performance. his fixation on parenting like laurent because his own way is wrong. his fixation on never thinking about the things and people he lacks because he can't take it.

yes, laurent played a huge role in feeding that insecurity, but I'm failing to see where he is ridiculing damen. during the condom conversation, laurent snaps because he feels judged and attacked, not because he's making fun of damen's pain. during the pet name conversation, the same thing happens. and in both instances, damen is judging laurent. he judges laurent really harshly in other scenes, too, like when they find out about claude.

some of these issues are talked about in ch20, but I don't think there is a scene where laurent addresses everything. perhaps he should. i just didn't write it.

[irregularcollapse]

Hi! it’s illegal for you to feel down about yourself and your work because i believe you’re really bringing a quality of work that is super rare in fanfiction in general, even rarer in this fandom!

my question because i can’t resist; regarding damen’s slavery, is there any BTS tidbits on how it came to be in this time period? ie, without laurent and assuming laurent’s uncles influence in the trade to specifically fuck with laurent (unless a form of laurent exists in the fic but from reading it doesn’t seem so) is jokaste/kastors main reasoning being the whole humiliation aspect? what does the regent get out of it? does he know, in this universe that it’s damen? and was the abuse damen suffered in arles different without canon laurent being there?

First of all, I don't even have words for what that compliment made me feel when I first read it. I've been so down in the dumps the past week or two, for a lot of reasons, and when I'm feeling bad the first thing that takes a confidence hit is my belief in my writing. Getting this message was like... I can't even tell you. Just, thank you so much. You cheered me up immeasurably.

Something else you did is give me motivation to write something! You've asked such an interesting question, and I can’t answer it without referring back to the books themselves – which means that what follows will be a highly harebrained, obsessive game of connect-the-dots between info revealed in the series, leading to what I’ve chosen to do in the fic. Hopefully, by the time I’m done, you’ll see what I’m thinking and where I’ve headed with it.

In the books, the abuse Damen suffers is largely analogous to what was done to Laurent at the hands of the Regent. In other words, nearly everything (flogging excluded – that’s an intentional departure, though) that Laurent does or orders done to Damen, was done to him first. To look at one example, the chalis:

Laurent’s idea, to make Damen weakened and pliant in the ring. How does he know about chalis’ effects, and its use as a weapon rather than a recreational drug? It was given to him.

The drug that Laurent has actually been poisoned with is not chalis, but an Akielon drug that “lead[s] from virility to abandonment,” which Laurent is also clearly personally familiar with (“I am aware of the effect of the drug.”) – but his familiarity with chalis is actually revealed by Damen’s observation about tit-for-tat: “It was sordidly believable that he would revenge himself on Laurent with the same tactics that Laurent had thrown at him.” This is the crux of Laurent’s treatment of Damen. He is seeking revenge not only for Auguste’s death, but for the abuse he suffered at his uncle’s hands, which he equally blames Damen for. This is also why, in their first few encounters, Laurent is fixated on the idea of Damen being raped.

It isn’t just sexual assault he wants for Damen, though: it is specifically the idea of being abused by someone larger and more physically powerful, someone in a position of greater power, and – the most telling slip – with “a beard like [his] uncle’s.” There’s something almost juvenile in that addition, highly revelatory in the way it shows Laurent’s lack of ability to separate his own experiences from his ideas of vengeance. This exchange is also a potent indicator of how Laurent truly views slavery, in the way he couches it as an outlet for hatred. This is compounded by his reaction when Damen argues for the wellbeing of the other Akielon slaves.

His shock and confusion stems from the belief that Akielons – barbarians that he thinks they are – would only ever treat slaves in the same way (or worse than) they are being treated in Arles. In this moment, Damen challenges his notions of both Akielon sensibilities and the abuse that Akielon slaves are subjected to. Laurent has been harbouring the belief that Damen personally would be capable of the exact horrors that he was subjected to: to Laurent, it is almost as though Damen himself did them. This is why he is so consistently surprised when Damen protests raping children, or when he calls for kind treatment of those who should (in the true hierarchy) be under his power.

It is worth noting that this is Laurent’s first encounter with Akielon slaves, which raises the question of where he got these ideas about their treatment from. Of course, his learned prejudice against Akielons is a large part of it: at this stage, he sees them as invariably aggressive, stupid, primitive. Indeed, for all his feelings about slavery itself, the Akielons being Damen’s “countrymen” (as he describes them) is part of the reason why he doesn’t see anything extreme about their mistreatment. He is also laying blame for the war, and therefore Auguste’s death, on all Akielons more broadly – this view is only shaken when Damen says to him, “They're not like me. They're not soldiers. They haven't killed anyone. They're innocent.” His apparent disregard for the Akielon slaves is therefore also motivated by his belief in slavery as an outlet for hatred: Akielons, in Laurent’s grief, all deserve punishment. It bears mentioning that prior to this moment, not only did Laurent not have the motivation to help the Akielon slaves, he also didn’t have the opportunity: he has recently been stripped of most of his property and income, and as he says to Damen, “You overestimate my influence over my uncle.” Only the arrival of Torveld even gives him the opportunity to make a play for the slaves – and it comes at a cost of ‘offering’ himself in a way he, according to stories circulating the palace, has never (willingly) done before.

It is interesting, and telling, that Damen pleading for the “innocence” of the slaves is what makes Laurent falter – especially given that descriptor is only used about one other character at this stage: Laurent himself. Damen observes Laurent’s impression of innocence twice previously (his “blue eyes as innocent as the sky,” then his “wide-eyed expression of injured innocence” for the Regent), and then there is this:

It is a particularly sick exchange given that the Regent is the one who took advantage of Laurent’s innocence, but it also cements something else: the abuse Laurent suffered and his trauma, perpetrated by the Regent, being thematically linked to the abuse and trauma of slavery. This is reiterated when “innocent” is used by Laurent to describe a third character: Damen, when he is accused of attempting to murder Laurent.

The association is compounded through the motif of kneeling. First thing to note is that pets don’t appear to kneel, except when performing a service:

They all, Nicaise included, seem to sit beside their masters/the courtiers, while Damen is forced into kneeling at Laurent’s feet. Both Damen and Erasmus are made to kneel, and indeed to crawl, while the pets are allowed to walk around freely and only take a knee when they have a cause to (and obviously, Ancel kneeling to give Damen a blowjob is more about Damen’s humiliation via having control taken away from him in that moment, than it is about Ancel’s subjugation). But then, there is this:

And this:

An intentional parallel between Damen kneeling for Laurent, and Laurent kneeling for the Regent, reinforced by the repeated order to “Kiss it.” The moments are remarkably similar in other ways, in that the comments made centre around the ideas of defiance and service, and the notion of “forced” (or motivated and justified) punishment. Indeed, Laurent’s comment that “Every dog can be brought to heel,” is eerily present as the Regent discusses with the council how best to punish his nephew, and talks about reigning in his behaviour, saying “Something must be done to discipline him.”

Kneeling is used as a symbol of willing subservience, the idea of which continues to be degrading and humiliating to Laurent, no matter the setting – he struggles to kneel when giving Damen a blowjob in Kings Rising, and still when washing Damen’s feet in The Summer Palace. Indeed, this association is truly emphasised when the Regent says, “He has kneeled for me” to reveal his abuse of Laurent to Damen: the sexual connotations are at the forefront, as is the idea of willingness. As a motif, it serves the exploration of the theme of power and control, particularly the dichotomy between the horror of forced powerlessness, and the beauty of giving power and control over willingly.

Survivors of CSA commonly report feelings of powerlessness, a loss of a sense of self and personhood, and feeling a lack of control or autonomy as a result of their trauma. This is Laurent’s experience; it is also the experience of an Akielon slave. It isn’t that the text says that Laurent was a slave – it is that the traumatic situations are echoes of each other, and the effects for the characters are echoes as well. It is a thematic link, not an actual direct comparison. It is also shown in Laurent’s treatment of Erasmus. In Captive Prince, Laurent is shown to be genuinely kind to only two characters: Nicaise, and Erasmus. It is much more obvious to the reader why Laurent is friendly with Nicaise – he assumes an almost brotherly role, teasing and playing games, attempting to reassure Nicaise about his intent to protect him. He sees Nicaise as a version of himself, one he has the opportunity to rescue. But even without this context, his kindness toward Erasmus surprises Damen more:

It’s a moment where Laurent’s true “sweetness” comes through, but also a moment of self-recognition through the other. Erasmus is, for Laurent, a manifestation of his own innocence and blind trust. He is briefly gentle with Erasmus in acknowledgement of the way his own innocence (and he is still innocent in a lot of ways, not only because he is only 20 years old here, but because CSA is often linked to arrested development — think of him believing the Regent would never try to kill him, of him saying “He would have stopped you” to Damen re: Auguste in Kings Rising, of asking “Why?” when Damen is recounting the moment he killed Auguste in The Summer Palace) requires gentle treatment. 

He does not rest on Erasmus being a mere pawn in the games that are at play, rather making a small gesture of acknowledging his personhood in a way that he personally has been refused: he brings Erasmus into the plan, effectively says ‘you have a role to play in this game, and I know you are capable of it.’ He does this without Damen’s prompting. The uncommonness of the meeting is reinforced when Damen says of the Regent, “For a man of his status to visit a slave at all was unlikely and bizarre.” The outcomes of these meetings of supposed ruler and slave are opposites, though: while Erasmus comes away with respect for Laurent, Damen’s wariness of the Regent increases. In fact, in this same section, we find the line that brings everything together, especially in regards to EIAT:

The Regent does not have Laurent’s trauma, his motivation for revenge, or his inherent sweetness. He is not driven by grief (both for Auguste and Laurent’s sense of self), and he has never been a victim. His only drive is power, but he prefers to wield it against those already weaker than he is. It is also a reminder that everything cruel about Laurent, the Regent made: as Laurent himself says later on, “You keep offering me all these chances to improve myself … Teach me how to thank you.” As much as it is likely a deliberate echo of abusive rhetoric levelled against Laurent by the Regent, it is also an iteration that everything Laurent has done, he has been taught. The abuse becomes cyclical – from the Regent to Laurent, from Laurent to Damen, over and back again – but always with the same root. The exchange that precedes this particular observation is an exercise in double-speak: beneath the Regent’s pleasantries is not only manipulation and a particular form of grooming, but a revelation of his resentment for Damen – or, at least, what Damen represents.

The manipulation in the Regent’s words is likely obvious (“You’re a man,” “You are quite diplomatic,” positioning himself as being on Damen’s ‘side’ against Laurent), but there are a couple of backhanded revelations here. Following “You are quite diplomatic” with “For a soldier” almost hearkens to for an Akielon, i.e. for a barbarian. Then, the comments about “leadership [being] a quality that ran naturally in the blood of a king’s heir” – a veiled criticism of Damen, who finds himself enslaved. This is the insult also levelled against him by the Regent in EIAT. It is an incredibly slippery conversation, where the Regent plays with flattery, gaslighting, belittling, and threats. It isn’t that he personally believes that Kastor is more fit to rule, but he is certainly trying to break Damen down by suggesting it. In the Regent’s plan, Damen’s “fate … would probably have been even more drawn out than Laurent's, a long, lingering execution before crowds.” He was intending to use Damen to start a war with Akielos, yes, but it was also a revenge of his own kind.

The Regent wants to rule Akielos; he wants to subjugate it. He doesn’t have any higher an opinion of Akielons than anyone else in Vere – in truth, he evidently sees them as easily manipulable and readily dominated. Remember that the Regent does not do things personally; he always recruits others into doing his dirty work. In this case, as much as the orchestration is about abusing and punishing Laurent, he is using Laurent as a tool. But manipulating the circumstances of Damen’s abuse and intended execution isn’t only about symbolically dominating Akielos – there is also the petty motivation of a man told he was not suited to rule, taking revenge against another man who was. The result is a fatal underestimation of Damen’s actual power: the Regent fails to recognise that Damen is an effective leader not because of birth, but because of the person he is. It is Damen’s compassion that leads to his escape in EIAT – as Laurent assesses about his legacy in Chapter XV, and therefore his true strength: “they remember the way that he love[s].” This is the textual precedent for what Damen and Laurent assess of the Regent’s motivation in EIAT:

The Regent’s motivation in the books is not only about continuing his abuse of Laurent, although that is definitely his primary goal; he also garners personal satisfaction from Damen being subjected to slavery. He is asserting a hierarchy as he sees it, is demonstrating his self-perceived power and superiority, and is putting a supposed ‘rightful heir’ in his place. That is what I have attempted to maintain in EIAT, and that is why the primary ‘use’ he tries to put Damen to is performance/entertainment. The Regent’s motivations, the ones external to Laurent, are maintained in EIAT – the playbook is slightly different, the available pawns assembled from elsewhere, but ultimately the plan and the abuse it enables are still coming from the same man.

“You’re a man,” the Regent tells Damen as he invites him to stand. Men don’t kneel; slaves do. Men don’t sexually submit; slaves do. Men are Kings; slaves are not. This is the motivation for the Regent, fuelled by his own insecurity of position and need to assert his fragile control by actively weakening those who are stronger than him.

I haven't even touched on Kastor and Jokaste! And there is so much more I could say about how Laurent's trauma plays out in his treatment of Damen beyond just Captive Prince -- everything he does, all weighted by his internal struggle between the blame he lays on Damen and the feelings he is developing for him. And don't even get me started on the theme I mentioned above: power and control, and willingly giving them up as an ultimate display of trust and love. Then there's the conversation they actually have about slavery in Kings Rising -- soooooo many layers in that exchange alone. But, I've probably said enough for now! I hope it was interesting, and a bit of insight into how I read the original text and what I've drawn from it to build certain parts of EIAT.

Thank you so much for this question! It certainly gave me something to focus on, and it was super fun to get the opportunity to write it all out ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥

[kybelles]

hi love! I'm feeling devious so for the choose violence asks, 24 and 25

HIII BABY 💞💞 i sincerely hope you don’t mind me answering everything via your ask 🥹 i just didn’t want to spam the tl with my non-stop posting!

1.the character everyone gets wrong

JOKASTE!!! 😩 sooo many times in fan creations she’s a mustache twirling villain and look i get it! she needs to go in order to lamen to be together but i don’t know why each time she needs to cheat on damen…. people can break up for other reasons yk…..

i feel like people don’t really get how much jokaste holds damen in such a high regard. the first time she talked to laurent she was full of praises for damen and yes although the majority of the reason was to taunt laurent, it was too heartfelt to be faked entirely. i find her a quite tragic character honestly. in another world she would be proud and happy to be to be damen’s queen 🙁 i wish more ppl cared about her OR stop portraying her as this cold unfeeling girlboss who was sooo sick of damen’s bs that she punished him by gleefully fucking kastor….. i really really don’t think that’s who she is. she loved damen in her own way. she was also a sentimental woman. (her last letter to damen will never make me not emotional….)

3.screenshot or description of the worst take you've seen on tumblr

SCREENSHOT OMG hats off to any brave soul who actually posts it….. also the collection on bad takes is so rich idk what to choose… ok i got one: so i genuinely don’t remember the details but a few years ago there was a post circulating about how laurent was actually Good All Along (yes even in book one where he drugged damen and then threw him into a rape ring and also had him whipped after intentionally setting him up 🙂 ) and it had so many likes…. i’ll never ever understand the need to whitewash book 1 laurent’s actions. like why do you even stan a controversial character if you don’t like his controversial aspects…. i really believe this is quite the disservice to such a multidimsensional character like laurent. :/

7.what character did you begin to hate not because of canon but because how the fandom acts about them?

hmm i wouldn’t say hate but some posts i read about auguste made me sorta dislike him  😬 idk when and where i read it but there was one post in particular that said they wish auguste would come back to life and beat the shit out of damen and i was like WOAHHH??? you want the mc (who you spent three books with) to be beaten brutally by some canon fodder?? for what crime???  i was honestly weirded out.

there’s also the fact that i genuinely HATE l*uguste (despite not being an anti shipper in general or anything! this ship just rubs me the worst way bc laurent experienced so much trauma from the way ppl made up incest rumors about him and auguste) so any interpretation (even if they aren’t written as a romantic pair intentionally) where auguste and laurent have this unhealthy codependent bond with auguste acting like a ferocious caveman to any potential romantic suitor of laurent and laurent being all meek and allowing this treatment is a big no for me. ✋ so yes even tho i don’t hate auggie boy i can’t say i care a great deal about him. sorry baby i’m sure you are just dandy.

8. common fandom opinion that everyone is wrong about

that damen is an unreliable narrator 😩i talked about it in my previous post!

12.the unpopular character that you actually like and why more people should like them

EGERIA THE MF QUEEN OF AKIELOS 🗣️🗣️ i actually like every member of the akielos trio (theomedes-hypermenestra-egeria) sm because their situation reminds me of turkish harem dramas. 🤭 the lack of canon information about them allows me to make various hcs and backstories and idk i just think it’s fun!

13.worst blorboficiation

JFC i’m SOOOO old i’m ANCIENT bc i have no idea what this means….. i’d be happy to answer it if you give me some clarification (hiding my face in shame)

16. you can't understand why so many people like this thing (characterization, trope, headcanon, etc)

oh luckily i already answered it here!

17.there should be more of this type of fic/art

I’m always a huge advocate for bottomianos even though i myself shamefully haven’t made a contribution 💔 as for art i’m beyond grateful for our wonderful artists and i humbly would like to see more of the old gang! (theo, egeria, aleron, hennike etc.)

21.part of canon you think is overhyped

hmm i unfortunately can’t think of an answer for this one, i’m sorry!

24.topic that brings up the most rancid discourse

OH DEAR… so one of the first times i actively participated in the fandom i made a post about how frustrating it was to see theomedes portrayed as an absent father despite the glaring lack of canon evidence while aleron got off the hook much easier despite laurent actually confirming he was an absentee and said i think it was about the way people perceive them (theomedes=brown and toxic, aleron=white and tastefully distant) anyways, some user whom i never talked to before (and they’re still blocked to this day despite the fact i pretty much never block anyone here) said i was “making it up” and right after i blocked them after they continued talking to me in a very rude manner some asks ✨mysteriously✨ appeared in my inbox and the person who sent them called me an “illiterature white bitch” who made up nonexistent drama…….. so yes i guess the colorism issue really ruffles some people’s feathers :) i wonder why :) 

25. common fandom complaint that you're sick of hearing

“why didn’t damen figure out the regent’s abuse of laurent sooner is he stupid” setting aside the 574619 different pacat interviews where she talks about how damen needed to be oblivious bc otherwise laurent would never open up to him, why is it so wild to think damen wouldn’t assume the regent would do something like that to his own nephew? as if the entire canon events didn’t happen bc damen believed families would never hurt each other…. just wow

[metalandmagi]

Hi again....Do you mind if I ask your top 10 favorite characters (can be male or female) from all of the media that you loved (can be anime/manga, books, movies or tv series)? And why do you love them? Sorry if you've answered this question before.....Thanks....

I'm going to split them up between my favorite male and female characters, because there's just too many!

I'll start with the boys:

Laurent from Captive Prince- Laurent is my favorite character of all time. Everything about him just comes together in a perfect storm. His humor. His cast iron bitch attitude. The way he puts up armor to protect himself but lowers it when he's surrounded by people who actually care about him. The way his trauma is handled. And I'm fully aware the reason I love him so much is because we see him through Damen's eyes. We start out seeing a spoiled brat, and we learn the truth of him slowly. I can't even find the words to describe how much I love him and why.

The rest aren't in any particular order:

L from Death Note- The first anime character I was obsessed with, because he was one of the weirdest characters I'd ever encountered but somehow he shared all my habits. He sits like I do. He eats tons of sugar, like me. He's bad at social interaction, like me. And (spoilers!) he was one of the first characters with a death that truly impacted me emotionally. I'm totally showing my age, but I will always love this ridiculous trash panda.

Xie Lian from Heaven Official's Blessing- It might be recency bias, but he has skyrocketed to my top favorite characters list. I have a weakness for characters who have gone through hardship and come out smiling no matter what, and damn if that isn't Xie Lian. He really shows the highest of the highs and the lowest of the lows in humanity, but he still believes everyone deserves to be cared for. He's also absolutely hilarious, and I love the dichotomy of having this (formerly) insanely strong martial god be so mild mannered and polite (most times).

Izaya Orihara from Durarara- And so begins my love of absolute shitheads. I don't have an explanation for this. I just love the idea of an information broker in a big city who knows everything about everyone and uses it to stir up trouble. And of course I love his flippant attitude that can change on a dime (and his extremely homoerotic relationship with Shizuo). I appreciate characters who always have something up their sleeves.

Wylan Van Eck from Six of Crows- Similarly to Xie Lian, I love Wylan because of the dichotomy of his character. He can be so mild mannered and shy one moment, and the next he's making bombs and threatening to drown his romantic rival in a river. He's also the only YA character I can think of with dyslexia (aside from Percy Jackson characters, who are technically middle grade), and I'm glad that it never gets associated with him being "stupid." Wylan is smart as hell while also being sensitive and creative.

Magnus Bane from the Shadowhunters series- Probably the funniest character I've ever encountered. A chaotic bisexual warlock who insists he doesn't want to help but ends up helping anyway while complaining the whole time? Sign me up. He's fashionable. He's powerful. He's a father of two and a crazy uncle to everyone else. He's everything. Alec is just Ken 😆.

Jim Hawkins from Treasure Planet- My forever boy. The protagonist that aided in my asexual awakening. I loved having a main character in a children's movie that was dealing with his angsty teenage years in a realistic way AND DIDN'T END UP WITH A ROMANTIC INTEREST WHO SOLVED ALL HIS PROBLEMS. He's reckless, but he's also very smart and cares about doing things right.

Fushi from To Your Eternity- (technically more like nonbinary or even gender fluid, but he mostly identifies as male so I use he/him a lot). Another take on an immortal character that I love! I love that we see him learn how to become human from scratch and how he forges relationships with people throughout hundreds of years. I was debating about whether to put Bon or Kohaku on here instead, but I think Fushi and his journey will stick with me longer.

Nico di Angelo from the Percy Jackson series- This is a character I feel like I've grown up with. He was one of the first canonically gay book characters I'd ever seen (this was back when queer characters in YA were almost unheard of, let alone in middle grade books). But Nico was one of my favorites even before the reveal. I loved seeing how he went from a nerdy, hyperactive kid to a brooding pre-teen to mellowing out the way he is now. I'm a sucker for the mysterious side characters that show up every now and then to make the audience wonder if they're really on our side (especially ones with really dry humor).

Now the girls!

(Uh...spoiler alert I guess) Akito Sohma from Fruits Basket- My favorite anime villain of all time. Part of why I love her is because of the build up. For a long time, we only hear about Akito, and we don't know what to think about her. Then we meet her, and she seems...off, but the characters all have different reactions to her. And then we learn how fucked up she is. She's a great example of a character who does awful things, gets a tragic backstory and a slight hint of a redemption arc, but it doesn't change how the audience views her. Her backstory helps you understand her, but you never really forgive her for the shit she's done. She's manipulative, abusive (in every way you can think of), creepy as hell, and yet I still love her because she's insanely entertaining whenever she's around.

Daria Morgendorffer from Daria- This character was basically me in high school, in both looks and mannerisms. I molded my entire personality after her. I love characters with dry humor and I still quote this show relentlessly to this day. Daria was for all the girls who felt like total outcasts because they spent their time reading instead of making friends, but she also showed that you kind of need other people to...well...not be depressed. Also, it might not be explicitly canon that she's asexual, but there is an entire episode revolving around how she's doesn't want to have sex with her boyfriend...so do with that what you will.

Emma from The Promised Neverland- READ THE MANGA I'M BEGGING YOU! My insanely smart, redheaded mastermind of a daughter is such a great main character. I love having a young girl who is cheerful and optimistic while also kicking ass the same way shounen protagonists do. She's so friendly and hopeful that even though the story is super grim, we want to believe she can find a solution to every problem even when it seems impossible. Such a shame we never got a season two...wonder what that would have been like....ha...ha...ha................

Inej Ghafa from Six of Crows- I was trying to keep myself from using characters in the same series, but I couldn't help it. She's just so well written. She's badass. She's vulnerable. She's smart. She puts so much stock in faith but it doesn't make her weak or evil. She ties the group together so well, and she and Kaz are so ace coded it hurts!

Yona from Akatsuki no Yona- I haven't finished the manga yet, but she's another great example of a perfect character arc. Yona starts out as a typical teenage princess. She was never mean or a bad person, but she was selfish in the way most spoiled teenagers are selfish in that she didn't think about the world outside her palace walls or anyone besides the guy she liked. But when she's forced to run for her life, she sobers up and sees the world for what it is very quickly. And instead of relying on others to do things for her, she learns to fight and helps the people of her country the best she can. She's a character who we learn with and grow to love over time.

Kino from Kino's Journey- Definitely one of the most interesting characters I've ever seen, and I mean that in the sense that we don't know much about her at all (until the end of the 2017 anime at least). She is a great example of a solitary character who still loves interacting with people. She's not insanely smart. She's not a badass bitch (she can defend herself and fight because she has to, but she's not a fighter). She's not magical or the chosen one. She's just an average person who wants to experience as much of the world as possible.

Yuuko from xxxHolic- idk what to say about her, she's just the best. She's got chaotic wine aunt energy for days, but she's also got this hidden Dumbledore-esque wisdom and tragedy under her fabulous outfits. I feel like her and Magnus Bane would be best friends.

Katniss Everdeen from The Hunger Games- People who've only watched the movies will never understand. Her dry humor and rough around the edges personality are just so well written, but so many people relegate her as a stereotypical "girlboss" YA protagonist in a love triangle. She's brave. She's funny in subtle ways. She's kind of an asshole but not in an off-putting way. I like Katniss because everything about her feels so genuine. Her love for her family and the way she deals with the world around her are so...real. And I think that's why so many people connected to the series. READ THE BOOKS!

Luna Lovegood from Harry Potter- I don't care if it's cringe, I was fucking obsessed with her in middle school. Again, I'm drawn to characters that have experienced trauma but still come out smiling. I think Luna helped a lot of people who didn't fit in feel more at home in the world. She's fun, she's kind to the people who need it the most, and she's a great friend who helped save the world!

Linda Belcher from Bob's Burgers- This might seem like a silly pick, but I just love her spirit! She's the ultimate mother figure and supportive wife who also has a distinct personality with wants and dreams of her own. So often, moms in cartoons (or anything really) are relegated to being support or a background character for their husbands or kids, but Linda demands a starring role. She loves her kids and her husband and will go to the ends of the earth for them, but they also frustrate her in a very human way. Episode 1 of the new season shows her breaking down in tears because she just doesn't know how to manage the kids, and I think that's something a lot of parents probably go through. I'm not a parent or a spouse, but her struggles and general mom energy feel so real.

There you have it. I really wanted to put a Vinland Saga character on the list, but Thorfinn, Canute, and Askeladd are all so well written I couldn't decide on one, so I had to leave them out 😅

[sunymar]

Could you do +: being led back to bed with patient whispers combined with barefoot, sleepy wanderings? I imagine Laurent not being able to sleep, maybe because theyre back in Arles and he's haunted by bad memories, or it's Auguste's death day ... or he's just stressed.

hurt/comfort prompts - it's so funny that i got pretty much the same prompt twice!! i love it. it gave me the chance to write both too feverish to think laurent and sad laurent...

cw: referenced child abuse

It's too cold to be outside. It's even colder to be outside with bare feet, wearing only a bed shirt and a quilt over the shoulders. Yet Laurent is, has been for a while now, at the very least half an hour. His hands are feet are starting to feel numb, but he can't bring himself to move.

He's huddled close to Auguste's statue, in the gardens, like it will provide him any warmth. It does not. Though, if he closes his eyes, he can almost remember the feeling of Auguste's gentle fingers carding through his hair. Patiently working through any tangle, scratching at his scalp soothingly.

It's enough for him. It's enough, until those fingers turn rougher, thicker. Until they stop caressing and they start pulling, harshly, bending Laurent's head back no matter how much he cries that it hurts, how much he promises he'll be good, uncle, please—

Laurent's eyes snap open when a second quilt is placed over his shoulders, then wrapped tightly around him. He's panting, his heart pounding so hard against his ribcage he thinks he could have a heart attack. He doesn't realize what's happening until a broad hand, warm and familiar, cups his cheek and brushes away the couple of tears he shed.

The hand is heavy, much bigger than Auguste's, but unlike his uncle's, this one feels safe. The palm is rough with callouses he's memorized by this point, a roughness that was forged by hard work, by the fierce will to protect its loved ones. He leans into its touch, his cold cheek welcoming the warmth.

Damen leans down and places a kiss on the crown of his head, then another on his cheek, and he finishes on his forehead. His other hand is rubbing circles on Laurent's back, big, wide ones, and he's not asking any questions. He's just there, out of the warmth of their bed, standing by Laurent's side as he waits for him to pull himself together.

"I was worried when I didn't see you," Damen says, softly, after a few minutes have passed. "I was very worried, but then I remembered I'm not the only one looking after you in here."

Laurent squeezes his eyes shut, takes in a deep breath. He wants to shake his head, he wants to tell Damen he's sorry, that he didn't mean to leave without telling anyone—even when he's aware the guards know where he is. But the words don't come out easily, they haven't since they arrived at Arles. It's like there's white noise in his head, disrupting his thoughts, getting louder and louder—

"I knew Auguste would protect you while you were away."

Laurent cries. He cries ugly, silent sobs. His entire body shakes with the force of it, but Damen isn't alarmed. He just sits next to him and draws him into his arms, hushing him softly, pressing his mouth against Laurent's hair, holding him through it.

"It's the king's room," Laurent admits, hiccuping. "I can't sleep in there. I can't, I can't—"

"So you won't," Damen says, softly. He kisses Laurent's forehead again. "So you won't. Ever again."

His words work like magic. The tears stop. The pressure in Laurent's chest is gone. And then, just like that, the darkness that has been weighing him down ever since they set a foot in Arles fades away. Dispelled.

It's easy. It's just as easy as that. It's so dumb that Laurent almost wants to laugh, but that would only make him cry more. He knows what Damen wants to say—I wish you'd told me sooner—but Damen doesn't, and Laurent is grateful about it, even if he wishes he wasn't. He nods his head softly, and Damen smiles.

He's warmed up now. He can feel his hands, but not his feet. He's sniffling pitifully now, only worsened by the cold air, and Damen doesn't seem to like that. He brings them both to their feet and tucks Laurent into his side, sliding an arm around his waist.

"Let's get you in Queen Hennike's bed."

It's a very soft whisper, Laurent almost doesn't hear it because of how far away everything feels, numb from all the distress he's been enduring in silence for the past hours. But he does, and it fills him with warmth, encourages him to move his feet in the direction Damen urges him.

Damen is very patient, even when Laurent is so exhausted he can barely keep his eyes open. He keeps one of his hands on the small of Laurent's back, and he nudges him and hushes him whenever Laurent stops to make a small sound of complaint.

Laurent wakes up the next morning with a slight fever, but he does so in mom's bed, in Damen's arms.

[ao3feed-damenlaurent]

Captive Audience

read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/Y5wh4K9 by CrystalHeartZyx There's a famous question asked where I'm from (well, okay, maybe it's not that famous, but famous in my little corner of the avid-reader world): If you could go into any book and live out its plot, what would it be? Or, more relevantly for those of us who prefer fantasy books: If you were sucked into your favorite book, how long would you survive? Really unfortunate that my favorite book(s) right now happens to be the Captive Prince trilogy…because I woke up there and I have so many questions. This is like, really not good. I will not survive long, send help. Good news! I have a good old case of the Mary Sues so surely this can't be THAT bad. I mean I have no idea how to get back home or anything, but it's fine because Damen is here and Laurent is…well, he’s not angry at me for killing his brother, so yeah. Unfortunate that the only way to convince him not to kill me is to tell him I know about his future, and now it’s all I can do to make sure things go correctly in a world on the brink of war. One little thing goes wrong and this happily ever after will be impossible. That’s not even taking into consideration the magic that brought me here and seems to persist. I’m sure absolutely NOTHING could go wrong… Words: 10686, Chapters: 1/9, Language: English Fandoms: Captive Prince - C. S. Pacat Rating: Teen And Up Audiences Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings Categories: M/M Characters: Damen (Captive Prince), Laurent (Captive Prince), Jord (Captive Prince), Aimeric (Captive Prince), Orlant (Captive Prince), OC - Character Relationships: Damen/Laurent (Captive Prince), Damen & Laurent (Captive Prince) Additional Tags: Self-Indulgent, Self-Insert, Follows Main Story, Magic, In a World that Shouldn't Have Magic, so that's fun, What am I doing?, 21st Century Girl Arrives in Medieval Times and Thinks This Is a Really Bad Idea read it on AO3 at https://ift.tt/Y5wh4K9

[folfar]

11, 35, 49, 52, 59, 63 and 74 of the fic writer prompt

okay so firsty sorry that this is ten billion years late....

11. Link your three favorite fics right now

Genuinely have not been reading fic recently so have three long-time faves instead!

Concordia - Ccainao3

Obviously this fic is genius, its so perfect, everyone loves it BUT I don't think it gets the recognition it deserves for having the best summary of perhaps all time:

He’d had hope, after those talks, that when the sting of Olympic loss had faded he and Auguste would be able to salvage something of their old friendship. This doesn’t seem likely now. Sorry I gave you a concussion when I checked you is one thing; sorry I beat you out for the gold medal and then had your little brother wear it while I fucked him is another.

DREAMY SIGH!!!! Also Auguste is so damaged <3 fic writer cocaine ao3 and i are on the same wavelength when it comes to grievous head injuries <3

like a solar flare in the rising sun - Lazulisong

This fic is like a little pearl, a perfect morsel, an absolute dream of a scene. Damen, helpless. The sense of character and place and tension is so well done - it's short and it doesn't need to be longer because it's so gorgeous the way it is.

stars in secret influence - crimson_adder

I am a big believer that a wip need not be 'finished' to be 'good' and this fic is PERFECT.

Anastasia AU that is SO funny, so clever, so well put together - and, rubbing my greedy little hands together, a perfectly executed amnesia fic. brain trauma!!!! However funny you think this is, it is funnier.

35. What is one essential thing to remember when writing a villain?

HMM! I guess that they have a motivation - they are a villain because they're acting towards a goal that is at odds with the protagonist? Sometimes the motivation is to be dick and the goal is to make the protag feel awful, though. It doesn't have to be complicated.

Oh and also just because someone is a monster doesn't mean you can't have fun with it! I LUV the segment in Sunblind chapter 21 when Auguste is in the bad-end dream, and his Uncle is like 'hey :) want me to be your anointed heir?' and auguste genuinely doesn't get it. that was funny to me, a simpleton.

49. Do you ever get rude reviews and how do you deal with them?

NO which is good because i am the most oversensitive person alive!

52. Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I am trying to reply to every comment I get this year! it was a new year's resolution. I used not to but that was mostly a combo of being shy and having weird feelings about artificially inflating my comment count because I was a little fool. I'm trying to reply to everyone because I LOVE getting comments, it IS the only thing that motivates me, and i want to thank people <3 i luv everyone who comments on my fics hugely and unreasonably

also, another resolution this year was to leave a comment on every fic I finish, which everyone should do! I'm a hardliner, sorry.

59. Does anyone in your personal life know you write fic? if not, would you tell anyone?

yes actually! thought i would take it to my grave and then lockdown happened. now i update said friends when i hit a significant milestone. sometimes they ask me if 'that big thing you're writing' is finished yet and i have to say no, shamefaced.

63. Something you hate to see in smut.

okay so I already said d*ddy k*nk but incest or worse, untagged incest vibes. also i really don't like exhibitionism when the people being exhibitioned to aren't enthusiastically involved.

74. You’ve posted a fic anonymously. How would someone be able to guess that you’d written it?

asides, so many asides. random segues into character backgrounds - not so much much tangents as parabolas because I do think they tie into the main plot but... sometimes I honestly come up with a random snippet of character history and then have to write a fic around it because I like it so much. This is one that currently doesn't have a fic attached, but will eventually fit into the Brexit storyline* -

Laurent has a surprising passion for offal; no one can pin down if it’s because he’s French or if it’s some sort of animal rights thing about honouring each part of the creature.  If pressed Auguste will say it’s stubbornness, because Mama had tricked Laurent into thinking that pâté was ‘special jam’ when he was a truculent child. The meaty origins of this treat were revealed only when Laurent was caught feeding it to his pony Daisy (thereafter renamed Cannibal by all and sundry), and Laurent had decided to double down on his passion for it, possibly to cover up the fact that he had been feeding Cannibal-neé-Daisy regular jam for the past three years.  That’s why her teeth are so bad! Mama had exclaimed. All those vets bills, Papá had said mournfully, stroking his moustache.

oh lol i actually had to come back to this and add another tell which is of course: character has intensely real but not prophetic dream and/or character succumbs to a fugue state and/or character keeps going to sleep at strange times. you know when you think something is a universal experience and then people are like 'girl no what's wrong with you?' anyway. hashtag narcolepsy rep or w/e

AND 55 which you sent me in a different ask lmao: Of the characters you write for, which is your favorite? Has that choice been swayed at all by your followers/readers’ reactions to certain ones?

my secret second favourite character to write is a tie between Jokaste and Nicaise. Nicaise is self explanatory, because he is So Fun to write. I have a fic here from his POV! Please read it (jeb 'please clap' voice).

Jokaste is the darling of my heart. You can tell this because she has shown up in 0.01% of my stuff on Ao3 which is how I show my affection. She is however in like. All of my WiPs. Looking at my google drive nd of the 4 things I am actively (cough cough) working on now she has a prominent role in 3 of them. No one asked for this! But I am so intrigued by her. Her canon characterisation is literally just that line from blades of glory when will ferrel goes "nobody knows what it means! but its provocative!"

here is a snip from one of said wips:

Jokaste, as if feeling the weight of his annoyance, rolled her head around to look at him. “You should try dermarolling,” she said, apropos of nothing, because she was awful. “What? You need to start stimulating collagen production. You’re looking a bit -” she made a dismissive gesture around the cheek area “- sunken.” Laurent communicated with his eyes that he would always loathe her.

[rosyandraw]

Ohhhh no pleaseeee! No need to be sorry 🥺 I didn't think you were mean at all.. I was actually thinking yes please and thank you hahaha but really don't be sorry 🥺🥺🥺♥️♥️♥️

And about the rest? 1) ahhh so soon? Can't wait!!! 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 But please take all the time you need after that amazing come back you deserve a few weeks (at least) haha

2) Berenguer working for Ancel's dad YEES! I loved it!! Someone needs to write this even if it's a short story like one chapter. I'm so here for brat Ancel no one ever told me no and Berenguer fake I don't want you or care about you let me do my work and don't get fire haha

3) Damen's pov??????? You have that and thought of keeping it from us?? How dare you? Hahaha no but honestly ❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥❤️‍🔥 that sounds amazing I want it.

Kisses kisses, your berry anon 🫐

Ps. Do you have any hc for your nmfy Damen and Laurent's favourite music or movie? 🧐 Idk why I'm curious about it haha

Okay as long as we're on the same page haha 💕

Haha thank you, ran into a speed bump but definitely this week! I promise

Right? Like Berenger thinking oh fuck i'm gonna get so fired the whole time and trying to resist? Ancel being a little shit about it? that would be so good hahaha

I didn't mean to LMAO it's just some scene's I had written so I can definitely string them together at some point.

OMG listen, so I have feelings about this. So many feelings. Damen will SAY his favourite movie is like Fight Club or some shit but really it’s something rom-com-y or like Titanic or some shit. Laurent thinks he’s better than everyone because he “doesn’t really watch movies” and he’ll purposefully say something pompous like 2001: A Space Odessey or Mulholland Drive.

For music, Damen is eclectic as fuck, 1975 one minute, Hamilton track the next, Britney Spears, ACDC- Laurent gets whiplash listening to his playlists. Laurent once again, is most likely to be a gate-keepy (can you even name one of their albums?!) asshole and derisive about anything that comes within an inch of the mainstream. He probably likes instrumental covers of main-stream songs cos he can’t concentrate on studying if there are lyrics.

Hope you're having a lovely week hun, much love as always 💕💕💕💕

[dreamdropxoxo]

If I can’t have you

Damen couldn‘t imagine one single reason for why Pallas sat in the chair across from his desk, looking as if he had to tell him someone died. He knew Laurent was alright, had actually just seen him for lunch, and that was the last assignment Pallas had. He was now here to report on anything unusual and that was just procedure before Damen went on his afternoon shift to Laurent‘s.

Pallas had spent the last week on a business trip with Laurent, who was freshly appointed CEO to the tech company of his mother’s family at just 21. Normally, Makedon took this post but the older man was on vacation and Pallas had volunteered. His friendship with Laurent was certainly a strong incentive for that decision. But also the fact that Lazar was the other bodyguard to accompany them.

Damen had visited Laurent the day after their arrival at the manor and Pallas had taken over the duty of reporting so that Lazar, who had had the night shifts, could go home and sleep.

"What is it, Pallas?“ Damen put whole focus now on his employee. Pallas was one of his favorites to be honest and he really saw no reason why the young man should be so anxious. "Did Lazar do something?“

That had to be the explanation, it was the only one that made sense at least in Damen’s opinion.

"You can‘t really... say that.“ Pallas stuttered while avoiding his eye.

No surprise there. It couldn’t be a coincidence that Laurent always requested Lazar to accompany him for his business trips. The two of them were both mischievous and Lazar encouraged Laurent to behavior that no other bodyguard would have even overlooked much less encouraged.

If he didn’t do such an excellent job Damen would have fired him years ago, before Laurent came even close to off-age.

"Well?“ He clearly needed to get Pallas to talk.

"He assured me that it was absolutely save. You don‘t have to be angry at either of them.“

Now Damen felt the trepidation rise. If Pallas was worried that he might get angry, it was absolutely clear that Laurent was somehow involved.

He sighed and pinched the bridge of his nose while he drummed the end of his pen on his desk. "What did they do?“

"Well, apparently Laurent has an acquaintance in Ios I didn’t know about. Lazar obviously did and had already done all the background checks on the guy.“

"Yes. And? That’s common procedure.“ Damen didn’t see the point. Laurent was allowed to meet his friends if they were properly checked by one of his employees and apparently Lazar had done the job.

"They spent a lot of time together.“ Pallas couldn’t look him in the eyes. He twisted his fingers in his lap and chewed on his bottom lip.

Damen’s eyebrows drew together. "And? That‘s hardly a problem.“

"It was a lot of time at night.“

Damen nodded slowly. He had already suspected because Lazar had the night shifts and if Pallas was so upset about it, it was clear that it hadn‘t happened under his watch.

"Yes. I suspected. Did they venture in the clubs that you are so anxious to tell me?“ He tried to encourage Pallas but it obviously had the opposite effect. The man threw him a distressed look with something like unwilling amusement mixed in it.

"No, they didn‘t leave Laurent‘s hotel room at all.“

"I don‘t see why that is a prob-,“ he trailed off. The realization spread through him like ice. He felt how his hands went numb.

The only thought in his head reverberated like an echo. 'He slept with Laurent.‘

He needed to force himself to breath. The pressure on his chest threatened to choke him.

Read more here. https://archiveofourown.org/works/26878420

[pourcap]

thoughts: pg chapter 21

i can't believe this is the last chapter of book 2 already i don't want it to be over just yet :(

(...) He had knocked Damen’s hand off his shoulder when Damen had tried to stop him. i hate this. they're supposed to work together

(...) Charcy was a death trap. great!

'So you told him.' just like jord told laurent about aimeric having gone missing :) i mean, he's right of course about laurent needing to know who damen really is, but still.

'Just a man?’ said Jord. ‘You think Aimeric thought that? That there were two of him? Because there weren’t. There was only ever one, and look what happened to him.' ugh i hate that he's right. i love jord and i absolutely do not want him to leave laurent's service, but he fucked up, too.

'He was my uncle’s whore,’ said Laurent. do you ever just wanna shake him?

'A brother?’ said Laurent. ‘But I do not have terribly good luck with those. I hope you are not here for a mawkish display of sentiment. I will throw you out.' i feel so sad for laurent :( (i do find it interesting how he uses his own pain to hurt others though)

'Then you’ll kill them like you killed Nicaise,’ said Damen. ‘By dragging them into this endless, childish bid of yours for your uncle’s attention that you call a fight.' oh my god???? damen????

oh wow

damen is... not wrong

but like... the balls on this guy

i can't believe he said that to laurent wtf

'In a fight, you try to beat your opponent. You don’t scurry to do what he wants. This is about more than Charcy. You’ve never made a single move of your own against your uncle. You let him set the field. You let him make the rules. You play his games like you want to show him you can. Like you’re trying to impress him. Is that it?' WHAT THF UCK

ok to be honest though i never thought about it this way. damen is so smart. literally the best person laurent could ever wish to have around. who else would talk to him this way? i mean, it helps that damen was born the crown prince but wow. i am speechless actually

'(...) Are you that desperate for his attention?’ He let his eyes rake up and down Laurent’s form. ‘Well, you have it. Congratulations. You must have loved it that he was obsessed enough with you that he killed his own boy to get at you. You win.' OH. MY. GOD.

damen can be just as brutal as laurent seriously

i can't wrap my head around what i'm reading

(...) ‘You don’t know anything about me. Or my uncle. You’re so blind. You can’t see what’s—right in front of you.' (...) is laurent talking about his abuse?

'You’re nothing,’ said Laurent, ‘but a crawling disappointment who let a King’s bastard throw him in chains because he couldn’t keep his mistress happy in bed.' WHAT IS GOING ONNNN

you guys were happy and in love literally HOURS ago !!

'You want to hear the truth about my uncle? I’ll tell you,’ said Laurent, a new light in his eyes. ‘I’ll tell you what you couldn’t stop. What you were too blind to see. You were in chains while Kastor was cutting down your royal family. Kastor and my uncle.' ??????

what

("a new light in his eyes" man... laurent. was there therapy back then? i feel like everyone in capri needs it.)

'Did you think Theomedes died from natural sickness? All those visits from physicians that only made him sicker?' so, while we're at it: fuck the regent.

i want to give damen the biggest hug

'You didn’t guess it was Kastor? You poor dumb brute. Kastor killed the King, then took the city with my uncle’s troops. And all my uncle had to do was to sit back and watch it happen.' can they stop being assholes to each other PLEASE this is not the kind of thing they should be talking about like that :/

'(...) I just wish I could have seen it happen. I wish I could have seen Damianos when Kastor’s hire-swords came for him. I would have laughed in his face. (...) maybe if Theomedes had kept his cock in his wife instead of sticking it in his mistress—' again: OH MY GOD.

i would like to say that i am genuinely terrified of laurent finding out who damen really is :))))

That was the last thing he said, because Damen hit him. (...) okay not to condone this but to be fair, laurent really had it coming

Laurent pushed himself up and gave Damen a look glittering with triumph, even as he dragged the back of his right hand across his mouth, where his lips were smeared with blood. triumph?? what exactly did he gain from this? i get that laurent likes to needle people into giving him a reaction but damen, the only person who truly understands and looks out for him?? but i do get where he's coming from, obviously

nicaise's earring????? :((((( i am crying lol

'No,’ said Laurent. And then, ‘It was provoked.' at least he gets it

(but why are they fighting over damen's arrest? i am confused)

'No,’ he said. ‘You can’t go to Charcy. I need to convince you of that.' i love him. so much.

Laurent’s laugh was a strange, breathless sound. ‘Didn’t you hear anything that I just said to you?' great. now i just feel sad for him again. why does laurent keep making me feel all those things???

'Yes,’ said Damen. ‘You tried to hurt me, and you have. I wish you would see that what you have just done to me is what your uncle is doing to you.’ He saw Laurent receive that like a man at the very ends of his endurance being given another hit. ‘Why,’ said Laurent, ‘do you—do you always—’ He stopped himself. The rise and fall of his chest was shallow. i can't handle this!!! damen is so perceptive -- i really don't get why i keep seeing people say he's oblivious. i mean, he is, to things he doesn't understand, like deception. but this??? he understands people. he knew aimeric was going to be a problem within what felt like 3 seconds, appreciated jord's loyalty to laurent even when jord found out who damen is, etc. (also: laurent kind of admitting he was just trying to rile damen up and consequently push him away as a sort of defense mechanism makes me want to cry)

'I can’t.’ It was a raw admission. ‘I can’t think.’ The words were torn out of him. Wide-eyed in the silence, Laurent said them again in a different voice, his blue eyes dark with the exposure of the truth. ‘I can’t think.' i don't know what to say so i'll just let you know that i'm crying

(fuck the regent)

'Don’t go,’ said Laurent, quietly.' laurent just keeps on breaking my heart :')

(quick side note: i get why you're all so in love with him lol)

'No. I don’t mean—forever—just—’ Laurent broke off. ‘Three days.’ (...) I can’t seem to . . . think, and I can’t . . . trust anyone else to stand up to me when I’m . . . like this. (...)' he !!! trusts !!! damen !!! :(((((((((((( <3 <3 <3 <3 <3 (i mean, we knew that before, but wow. the character development. the difference in their relationship. i am just so blown away)

'Don’t,’ said Laurent. ‘Don’t lie to me. Not you.' NOT YOU

'(...) I just . . . I just liked him.’ Underneath the cold, analytical words, there was also something bewildered. :(((( god im still so sad about nicaise.

'He spoke up for me because he didn’t think my uncle would hurt him. None of them do. They think he loves them. (...)' hmm. reminds me of when laurent admitted he was surprised the first time the regent tried to kill him, that he never thought he'd actually go this far :/

'Like Aimeric,’ said Damen. Into the long silence that stretched out between them, Laurent said: ‘Like Aimeric.' god. you just know what laurent is really saying here is: 'like me'

ohh laurent saw the cuff

their mood changes give me whiplash

'To keep. I wouldn’t wear it,’ said Laurent, ‘though I don’t believe your imagination is having any difficulty with the idea.' lol yes call him out <3

what i really love about those two is that they BOTH just kept throwing accusations at each other, argued, got really personal, etc, but they understand each other so well by now to know why they said/did what they said/did and not hold it against each other :')

'Did you mean what you said? That you were glad.’ ‘Yes,’ said Laurent. ‘They killed my family.' ok time to be sad again

Because throw Laurent together with Damianos, and either one would kill the other, or, if Damen kept his identity concealed and they somehow managed to form an alliance . . . (...) He thought about the Regent’s suggestions to him, sly, subtle. (...) And the constant, pervasive insinuation: Have you taken my nephew? i am going to throw up lol

fuck the regent

and kastor

so far, kastor is just as non-existent as auguste in the books and guess which big bro doesn't suck (ofc the shitty one has to be the one still alive)

'(...) It was you who never quite fit . . . You’ve always been outside of his schemes. For everything that my uncle and Kastor planned,’ said Laurent, as Damen felt himself grow cold, ‘they had no idea what they did when they gifted me with you.' oh my god i love this. can't wait for laurent to laugh in his uncle's face right before he kills him <3

damen is such a softie oh my god he's just fantasizing about everything being okay and him being able to court laurent i can't believe this (also it makes my heart ache)

If the Regent wanted Damianos of Akielos standing alongside his nephew, he would get him. (...) that's so hot. i love damen so muchhhhhhh

But what he said was, ‘Are you sure you want to leave your enemy in charge of your fort?’ ‘Yes,’ said Laurent. They gazed at one another. because they aren't enemies anymoreeeee!!! <3

ok laurent is saying things in a way that makes me think he's got something up his sleeve. then again, when does he not?

nikandros???

oh my god

is it happening?

are we going to get damianos in book 3?

He was looking at Laurent’s signet ring. wait. what?

laurent wanted nikandros to come?

am i reading this correctly?

He said it as it opened up inside him, ‘They are our reinforcements.' THAT WAS AN ENTIRE BOOK AGO

what the fuck

i know laurent plans ahead (and has planned ahead) but oh my god

what is laurent's brain???? what are his genes????

(...) Damen and Damianos. And Jord was right. There had only ever been one of him. He said, ‘Open the gates.' i am so excited for this

on the other hand: i am scared. bc now there is no way laurent won't know who damen is, right? unless nikandros doesn't recognize damen which i don't think is possible. so, like. what's going to happen?? (*chuckles: i am in danger* meme)

(...) Had they always been like this? So stripped of everything but the utilitarian? So hungry for war? i LOVE the reflection. so much has changed for damen and i am so so so happy he's seeing the world with new (less arrogant) eyes

Because an Akielon man was dismounting from his horse, beneath the main standard, and Damen’s heart was pounding. (...) i am confused. damen is so happy to see nikandros and i know they were friends so... why did we learn literally nothing beyond his military status over the course of two books?? did damen just not allow himself to think too much of his life back home in akielos bc he'd miss it too much or...?

'The last time we spoke, the apricots were in season,’ said Damen, in Akielon. ‘We walked in the night garden, and you took my arm and gave me counsel, and I did not listen.' so, nikandros warned damen about kastor. imagine telling your best friend his life is in danger and him being too arrogant to take any of it seriously. and then your friend actually dying... (as far as you know)

He said, ‘Damianos.’ Before Damen could tell him to rise, he heard it again, echoed in another voice, and then another. It was passing over the gathered men in the courtyard, his name in tones of shock and of awe. The steward beside Nikandros was kneeling. And then four of the men in the front ranks. And then more, dozens of men, rank after rank of soldiers. oh my god

'He lives. The King’s son lives. Damianos.' AAAAAHHHHHH

can't wait for the third book lol

(a few pages without laurent at the end and i have already begun to miss him)

[laurents-laces]

Notes on Pacat's livestream for this month! It's not a complete summary but you can watch the video on instagram if you missed it. I'm starting with one quote that I thought was important and the rest will be divided by fandom/topic. The part that's under the cut isn't spoilery, it's just cut to keep the post shorter.

“So I use she/her and he/him pronouns. And I guess just to speak really honestly about where I’m at with gender stuff, I identify as genderqueer- at least that’s the term I use when I’m asked publicly about this- but the truth is that, like a lot of people who are not cisgender, I struggle a lot with gender dysphoria. I’m probably trans masculine and it means that in a lot of ways the pronouns decision can feel very fraught for me. When you’re dysphoric, you know, sometimes even thinking about what your pronouns are can be a little bit traumatic. I absolutely love this new era where we are asking people their pronouns and people are free to have whatever gender expression they want. But for me I guess I choose “he” and “her” both together because it alleviates something of that dysphoric pressure for me. But I’m equally fine with either of those. So I just go with the flow there.”

Fence Comic:

Fence volume five is not supposed to be announced yet at all but it’s in the works. Pacat has already seen some of Johanna’s art for it and he feels like she’s gone to a new level with this volume. Pacat is excited for volume five because the boys’ storylines are really starting to take off

Pacat’s favourite Haikyuu character is Kageyama because he likes that character type that appears in nearly every sports drama. Seiji is that same character type. (There’s a character from Hikaru no Go that he compares to Seiji too but I didn’t catch the name)

Fence is written in a “shounen level up” structure

Pacat wants to read The Foxhole Court because it’s a seminal m/m romance and a lot of people brought it up after Fence got published, but he’ll probably wait until after Fence is done because he doesn’t want to be influenced by any similarities

Captive Prince:

We’ll find out what The News is “soon”

The Laurent’s hair debate is funny because his hair length is described in the books, but nobody cares about Damen’s hair length even though it isn’t described at all

There’s going to be a Japanese box set for capri in December, it looks spectacular

The funny thing about the Japanese version is that when capri was first published, western publishing didn't know what to do with it. It was published as a different genre in every country. But Japan was like “this is a BL light novel.” That's exactly what it is, you've nailed it Japan. Pacat loves the Japanese covers

Capri got a lot of weird western covers because people didn't want to telegraph that the book was gay. The Brazilian covers look like such a male het dude fantasy, and the Australian cover is so enigmatic that you can't tell what it's about. One time at Comic Con there were a lot of US marines there, and they came over to Pacat’s booth and picked up captive prince. Pacat could tell that the cover wasn't telling them everything they needed to know.

About why Laurent didn’t ever get help from Kempt: What Pacat tried to do with the map in capri was make Kempt so inaccessible through the Great Northern Forests that it was hard to get help from them in time, but that's a bit of a questionable part of the plot

Pacat’s pronunciation of Laurent’s name isn’t the most accurate because no one in Akielos and Vere is saying it with an Australian accent, so you really want to get a French person to pronounce it

Pacat might change his mind at some point, but the story of capri is complete for the moment. He likes stories that have an end. Additional material can act as a series killer when the story overstays its welcome

Pacat learned a lot about the structure of the hero's journey while writing capri. He thought it was a really easy, simple structure but it's actually really hard and unforgiving. If you mess up a single step the story feels broken

Captive Prince has elements of a hero's journey but really the A plot is a romance. Pacat did his best with the hero’s journey in Dark Rise but it was a huge learning curve, it was the hardest thing by far about writing the book

Dark Rise:

The Dark Rise trilogy is completely planned out, Pacat knows what will happen down to the last word

Book two will delve more deeply into the past, history and backstories of the characters; we're gonna learn a lot more about the old world. The romance will be explored a little more deeply. It's more “on page gay” than book one. Pacat is two thirds of the way through writing the manuscript. The book doesn’t have a release date yet but the manuscript is due in June

It’s been hard to get Dark Rise in the UK because they have to import the books, but Harpercollins US just agreed to do full distribution to the UK so Dark Rise should be in stores there soon

Dark Rise is in its second printing in the US and Australia but if you pre-ordered you'll get a first edition even if you haven't received the book yet. There have been a lot of COVID-related shipping delays

Pacat chose the names Will and James in two different ways. The first way was that he looked at a lot of censuses from the 1800s because he wanted to choose names people would actually have had, and the two most popular boys' names were Will and James. A lot of people tell him that the two main characters in Clockwork Princess have the same names. He hasn't read that series because it's set in the same time period as Dark Rise and he doesn’t want to be influenced by it but he wonders if Cassandra Clare chose their names the same way he did

The second reason for their names was that Pacat had something to say about pastoral English fantasies. We're so colonized by the idea of Englishness, England is the cultural true North. Australia doesn't have a lot of typical fantasy things like a medieval period, a cold north, a thick forest, castles, sieges, or walls. Those things don’t resonate with Australians but they're still colonized by those ideas. Those books taught what a hero was and Dark Rise is a push back against all of that. Those heroes are always called Will, it's a heroic name. “I wanted to take that Will and *smiles and makes a ripping apart motion with his hands*”

Pacat pronounces Sarcean like Sar-see-en but readers are free to choose the pronunciation they like best because it's not like people in 1800s England had an Australian accent

The scenes he most enjoyed writing in Dark Rise were the ending and both of the unicorn stabbing scenes

Most of the stories about unicorn horns say that they have truth-telling properties when they’re ground into powder, but Pacat thought it would be much more interesting if you had to stab someone with it

He had appointments with historians in Castleton where the inn is in Dark Rise

He often hires a historian to start background research on certain topics because they have an easier time knowing what to look for and where to find primary sources

Personal Things:

When Pacat lived in Tokyo he had an apartment in Jingumae in Harajuku

His family immigrated to Australia from Calabria, Italy after WWII when his mom was eight. He can speak a bit of dialect but he would sound like an old lady because he learned from his grandma

Pacat used to be really into Chinese dramas like the Legend of Fu Yao and Legend of the Condor Heroes. He hasn't watched a lot of the new danmei dramas but he really liked the Untamed

He enjoyed The Cruel Prince by Holly Black, he’s loved her stuff since Valiant and Ironside and the Spiderwick Chronicles

Pacat used to write fanfic for a lot of obscure Japanese fandoms like Hikaru no Go and Utena. He wasn’t a very popular fic author, he wrote gen character vignettes that no one read. The first romance he wrote was capri. He never wrote Harry Potter fic

[thickenmyblood]

Love your writing! Not sure how to phrase this, but have you ever read parts of fics and been like “yes, that’s EXACTLY what Damen would do” and if so what moments stand out to you

yes, i know what you mean. i've had that thought many times while reading fic before, but because I've been quite busy lately i haven't been reading as much fic as i normally would. so... i only have two examples.

Concordia by Ccainao3 (Chapter 1):

“Well, come on in,” Damen says, stepping back a little. “You can share with Erasmus.”

“Would you like to share me with Erasmus?” Laurent enquires. “You could watch.”

Damen ignores the shameful little bolt of lust that goes through him. “Leave Erasmus alone,” he says. “You can stay, though, I mean that.”

Concordia by Ccainao3 (Chapter 1):

Laurent’s face crumples. Damen reaches out and Laurent jerks away like Damen’s hands are on fire. He whirls and sprints off and Damen can’t chase him.

My brother wasn’t there.

He remembers the hit. It was a good hit, frankly.

i mean, i think it's pretty self-explanatory why i think damen would def think those things. first quote is VERY book 1 damen, but we see it again and again throughout the trilogy. only difference is ccainao3 was kind enough to make damen recognize his own lust was a little fucked up, alas "shameful little bolt".

before it all burned down by onekingdomeonce:

“You know what,” Damen said. “I gave you days to avoid it, but we’re going to talk about this.”

He was speaking way too loud for Laurent’s peace of mine. Laurent lowered his hands in a gesture that hopefully said shut the fuck up, then he leaned over the counter and closed the little wooden doors that blocked off the kitchen.

He turned the faucet back on. “How are nonstop calls and texts giving me time?”

“We don’t need time,” Damen said. He was speaking more quite now that precautions were put in, because he made no fucking sense and lived to confuse Laurent in every conceivable manner. “We need to talk.”

i think what makes this very damen to me is not just the fact that he's trying to take control of the conversation or forcing the conversation to happen in the first place, but rather that he speaks in "absolutes" a lot. especially in this fic, he reminds me of kings rising damen: there's a lot of shit going on, contextually it doesn't make sense to start/re start having an affair with your ex-captor, now tentative-ally... and yet damen is damen lmao.

but then (also before it all burned down by onekingdomonce):

“I know,” Damen said. “I know. He’s my best friend, you think it doesn’t hurt to look him in the eye? I hate it,” Damen said, and the way his voice wavered made Laurent’s heart ache. “I hate that it’s him. But that doesn’t stop me from wanting you.”

now... this one's a bit tricky because it's based on MY personal interpretation of damen as a character, so like... probably many people don't agree. but you asked ME so lol. i think one of damen's most interesting traits is that he's honorable but also selfish and just not very self-aware (for the bad stuff, the good stuff he's AWARE OF, trust me). 

in this snippet, what i find interesting is this sort of duality between awareness and selfishness. he KNOWS cheating is wrong, as everyone on earth does, but when he goes on to explain himself he says "i hate that it's him" (talking about nikandros). and so... to me this is the most damen thing ever, to construct your own hierarchy of morals and explanations to justify your own actions. he could have said anything here, from "i hate myself" (self-loathing, pitiful) to "i can't stop, it's an addiction" (placing the blame outside himself). but he said, "i hate that it's him". idk man i just find it deeply interesting.

[everyforkedroad]

Everything That's Wrong With You

Thank you so much for the kind reception to this mad little challenge I've undertaken. You are all lovely and sweet and I can't tell you what that means to me. I’m taking a last minute trip this weekend so no ficlets on Saturday or Sunday but I have something a bit longer planned for Monday. If you’d like to read on AO3, please click this link.

Everything That's Wrong With You

Contemporary AU

In which Damen and Laurent have a momentous conversation on a fire escape. At night. In the cold. Because Damen is a romantic sap like that.

**

“You can be hard to read, you know that?”

“I have been made aware of this, yes.”

“You also have a really difficult time trusting people.”

“As you have often reminded me.”

“You have a foul temper—”

“---Mmm mmm—”

“---And an even fouler mouth.”

“I’m rather proud of my foul mouth.”

“And last but not least, you can be stone-cold and standoffish on the best of days.”

“I'd like to think of it as my brand.”

“Laurent.”

The way Damen said Laurent’s name, a combination of humor, affection, and awe kept any other flippant comments from tumbling out of Laurent’s mouth. Damen often talked about stepping out of each other’s emotional comfort zone in their relationship. But this, letting Damen give voice to the things he most disliked about himself (except the foul mouth - he was quite proud of that), making himself this vulnerable, was less like stepping out of a safe zone and more like hurtling headlong into fire.

"Why did I ask you to do this, again?" Laurent asked. He was shivering. It was cold out here on a fire escape in the dead of winter, on a moonlit night under stars they couldn’t see. Of course, Damen would want to do it this way. 

"Because you wanted me to be 100% sure of what I was getting into."

“And after all that, you still think this is a good idea?”

"Yes."

Laurent gave him a withering look but Damen, as usual, was unmoved. Laurent said, "Okay, my turn. You snore."

"I do not."

“You use sex to express feelings when words would do just fine.”

“Aww, baby, you never complained before.”

“Stop distracting me,” Laurent snapped before he continued. “You see the world in black and white. Nuance is completely lost on you.”

“That’s why I have you. You’re the complex thinker in this operation.”

Laurent sighed. “And you are incapable of perceiving deception in others because you don’t have a treacherous bone in your body.”

“Now that, I’m proud of.”

Laurent shivered again and Damen stepped close to him, the buttons of his winter coat shiny under the moonlight as he unbuttoned them and tucked Laurent against his warmth, enclosing him in his pure body heat. Everything was cold, cold, cold, but here on the fire-escape, looking out over a shadowed patch of dried green the city liked to call a park, Laurent didn’t feel it. Damen was a furnace and, coiled as he was around him, Laurent would have been hard pressed to feel anything except the steady thrumming of his heart just beneath his scarf. It struck Laurent anew how unlikely they were as a pair, yet here they were on the cusp of something enormous, and Damen was determined to see this moment through to the very end.

“I forgot to say, you tend to get chatty when you’re nervous,” Damen’s voice rumbled against Laurent’s ear on Damen's chest.

“Another defect?” 

“My favorite one.” Damen smiled, his teeth bright against his nut-brown skin, and even brighter against the darkened sky. “I most definitely like you when you’re chatty.” Damen tucked a curl behind Laurent’s ear, smoothing his cool fingers down Laurent’s now flaming earlobe. “And you forcing me to list your defects won’t change my mind. You can say no, of course. Or tell me it’s too soon. I’ll be a little disappointed, but I won’t let it be the end of us, unless that’s something you really want. I really hope it’s not something you want.”

Laurent’s heart swooped low in his chest and he leaned back to glare at Damen with real irritation. “Have I ever given you a reason to think that being with someone other than you would be anything other than unequivocally inconceivable?”

“I love when you use big words. Now that’s on brand.”

“Shut-up.”

“Hello temper.”

The growl Laurent made deep in his throat provoked a fit of laughter from Damen loud enough to startle whatever poor stray animal was rummaging in the dumpster below. When Damen had exhausted his mirth, he squeezed Laurent flush against him.

“Even with everything you think is wrong with you, I still want you. I want it all - the good and the bad, the things you think are too ugly for others to see, the blind spots and the shame and the bad memories and your regrets. I want to gather them all up and tend to them, because they are a part of you.”

Laurent trembled in Damen’s cocoon of warmth. He sincerely believed he would never find this - someone who saw him for who he was, who saw all his negative traits, and still wanted to be with him. Even more remarkable was that there was not one defect in Damen - even his irritating, overconfident, swaggering approach to life - that Laurent wanted to do without. He wanted Damen exactly as he was also and he wanted him forever. 

“It’s the same for me,” Laurent said. “I didn’t know what that meant until I realized it had happened the same way for you.”

“So what do you say?” Damen said softly, his voice suddenly shy and so very vulnerable, Laurent felt the ache of it in his chest. “Want to do this? It’s okay if you —”

“Yes, for heaven’s sake,” he snapped softly, his tone lacking everything except fondness, “I’ll do it. I’ll marry you.”

“And that was the most romantic acceptance of a marriage proposal in the history of marriage proposals,” Damen grinned.

Laurent almost told him to shut up again but offered Damen his shaking hand so he could slide the ring on Laurent’s finger instead. The gold band was cool against his fingers, and a sob surged within him, a welling of emotion that he struggled to strap down, because this had never been in his life plan. Now, he had never wanted anything more.

“Your turn,” Damen said, offering the larger, matching band to Laurent. With still uncertain, stumbling fingers, Laurent slid the ring onto Damen’s finger as well. Two simple gold bands, now linked them together in the promise of this sacred vow. Laurent felt the weight of it as he clung to Damen’s hand, felt the immensity of it envelope them as Damen lowered his head to kiss him, lips soft and warm and so achingly sweet, Laurent could not stop a lone tear from streaming down his face.

Laurent made to wipe it away but Damen was there, sweeping it up with his thumb, holding salty wetness before bringing it to his lips, and licking it away, much to Laurent’s surprise. “Damen?”

“It’s okay,” he said softly. “I want these, too.”

[wiltking]

I heard a lot that the book romanticized slavery, and I can see that point as fair, it's a tricky subject and I think any good book can stand on its own legs and defend itself, I don't need to try and justify the inclusion of those things. However I don't think that just because an author writes a fantasy world with a lot of slavery in it means they're trying to justify it. I get the sense that the first book, standing alone, explores sexual domination and submission, and a setting where sexuality is very much at the forefront of the story makes sense. It is a sexual drama first, and a political drama second, in my eyes, because the courtly intruige was very good imo! It's actually what kept me reading in some parts. I also think on a character driven level, the book does a great job selling Why Damen would cling politically to Laurent despite how vicious he had been. The sexuality is so in your face sometimes, I have to believe the book knows what it's about here. Plus, it started to touch on the difference between people who want to serve, those forced to serve, etc. In character conversations between Damen and that slave that was being trained for him potentially.. The sexual institutions in the different societies are at the forefront. It's a subject matter so rarely covered. I think its brilliant in sone ways because it's totally unique...I kind of wish there were sone less brutal dissections of this subject matter in other books lol, because I couldn't recommend this book to most.

i see what you're saying! its been so long since i fully read the first book, i only skimmed it during my reread at the start of this year and read my favorite parts, but i agree it makes some interesting points at the very least. it does start a conversation about sex work, if we can call it that, in a way, and how it functions in these two very different cultures/societies. and while it does express these concepts in a way that is brutal and not very nice, its very interesting how the series allows us to view sex from so many different viewpoints. we get the veretian pets, the akielon slaves, the vask women, the tender, consensual, passionate joining between bi damen and gay laurent. like, the contrast there is elevated so much because we've seen how else it could be. we've seen the brutal environment laurent grew up in and the easy submission damen was raised to expect. and how they each find something different in each other? and learn that that's what they want above all else? anyway anyway i'm getting sidetracked.

it's so different from any other book that focuses on sexuality by showing these different cultures in plain light and how they might clash, and overlap, and how one isn't necessarily better than the other at its core. this is definitely something i want to examine more in my next full reread. it is a tricky subject but that doesn't mean it shouldn't be explored, or dismissed entirely on the basis that it may or may not romanticize slavery. i read a different gay book recently that took 'inspiration' from capri and it was one of the worst books i've ever read, it made me so upset how it entirely missed the point of being interesting, thought-provoking, multi-faceted and morally gray. anyway, captive prince good. but i still can't recommend it to the general public either <3

[laurent-ofvere]

I just... I can't... I'm utterly destroyed... I just can't anymore, you know? how can I be so destroyed over this? I don't even know if I can manage to finish this fic, you know? and I hope you get it in the best way, because you write so god damn well that I'm having an anxiety attack reading your homewreacker au. and I haven't finished it. I've been trying to read it since last night, and this morning it became too much... I've spent the whole day thinking about all of it... the struggles that laurent is going through, damen, the way nik would react, the way he would be destroyed... that quote you said something like "the face nikandros would make when he realized what happened, and then he would turn to damen just to realize that he had been betrayed again" IT HAUNTED ME THROUGH ALL THIS DAY... and so I wanted to finish it, I don't like to leave stuff unfinished, specially when it gets this strong for me. you know, in all this fandom, I never thought it would come the day when I wouldn't be thrilled that damen and laurent were together... and it's a big fic, talking about the amount of words, but at the same time it's not that long, you know? and it's taking me the longest time to read it... God, you write so well... I wish I could make people feel this intensily... really, I'm opening up to you right now, but I mean it like a compliment. I truly hope you don't get sad while reading this... I love your writing! 🧡 I just really wanted to talk to someone about this fic, I don't know if I'll ever forget it, and I couldn't think of anyone else to talk to, I hope this is ok? you don't have to answer, I'm just babbling now... I feel all incoherent.

im so soft???

thank you! thank you so much for your kind words and for sharing your emotions! I cant tell you how much I miss writing and the love and drive I had for it, its honestly a huge hole in my life and heart and reading this message moved me in a way I cant explain, im so glad you liked the homewrecker au (and also simultaneously hated it?? I love pain lmao) im always happy to talk about the fic and all the feelings and thoughts I had about it that didn't make it in, both before and after the canon so hit me up any time!! 

[aimeric-lives]

Listen, listen okay I have been having a Lot Of Feelings here lately about Aimeric and Laurent and what they went through and how, even though they have men in their lives that love them (aimerics death? I don't know her-- he's totally alive what r u talking about) J & D can't possibly really know what they went through. Do you think there's a world (aka an au) where Laurent and Aimeric could ever be (sort of/kind of/you know how Laurent is + their history w/ each other) friends/trauma buddies?

This is a though question and i'm honestly not sure...?I can't really see them getting along too well tbh. Like Laurent could probably deal with Aimeric but I think Aimeric would not get along with Laurent. In my opinion Aimeric would always see Laurent as a threat. As someone he is really jealous of, eventhough they went through similar things.I think Aimeric would rather open up to Jord, because Jord is really soft and Aimeric trusts him.Laurent has Nicaise as a trauma buddy, that's canon, but he also talks to Damen about it, so... idkI just think that Aimeric has a hard time getting along with a lot of people cause he'd rather fight everyone who looks at him the wrong way. But you are right, Aimeric totally needs some friends beside Jord. I just don't think it would be Laurent, sorry.