#because honestly that'll probably be the only way i'll come out because i am just so nervous abhjgnfk

[knifegremliin]

oaghhgh... <- just came out to a friend and it went really well

[coquitokisses]

Trusting Again | chapter 003: the truth

Word count: 3232

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📍Berlin

So after we arrived at the place, thankfully we weren’t cuffed anymore, but we weren’t in the clear either. We’re kinda in trouble.

“So we’re going to prison.” I looked at Sam and Steve as we walked to the place where they were gonna let us be in

“No, we’re not.” Steve answered

“Well this kinda looks like we are.”

“This isn’t prison.” Steve said

“I cannot believe my first time being arrested was because I decided to follow two idiots and go against the law.”

“Ow, what? You regret it now?” Steve pouted

I just rolled my eyes. “Shut up, this is your fault.”

“My fault?!”

“Yes! We should’ve let the CIA catch Bucky, why the hell did we even bother going to Bucharest? Look where we ended up, and where’s Bucky? Arrested.”

“Oh please.” Sam rolled his eyes “Even you said that this didn’t make any sense.”

“You shut up, tú lo que eres es un lambe ojos, I don’t wanna hear it.” I told him

“Hey, don’t talk to me in Spanish.” He pointed at me

“You’re a kiss ass.”

“Oh look who’s talking.” He looked at Steve and they chuckled

I sighed. “I hate you both.”

We saw Natasha walking in our direction and she approached us.

“You” she pointed at me “Aren’t supposed to be here.”

“Well if I would’ve known it was gonna get this bad, I wouldn’t have come.” I shrugged

“Liar.” Sam looked at me

“For the record, this is what making things worse looks like.” She said in a low voice

“He's alive.” Steve told her

We walked into the office and we saw Tony talking on the phone.

“Consequences? You bet there'll be consequences” Tony said while looking at us three “Obviously you can quote me on that cause I just said it, anything else?... Thank you, sir.” He said before hanging up the call

"Consequences?" Steve said

“Secretary Ross wants the three of you prosecuted, had to give him something.” He shrugged as he started to walk away

“I'm not getting that shield back, am I?”

“Technically it's the government's property” Natasha said “Wings too.” she looked at Sam

“That's cold.” Sam shook his head

“Warmer than jail!” Tony said

“Well, he's got a point.” I sighed “What the hell are we supposed to do now anyways? Die of boredom?”

“Well you can always play Stop with Sam.” Steve looked at me “I’m sure there are some papers and pens laying around somewhere.”

“That'll be great.” I looked at Sam

“Fine, but only because I'll probably die of boredom too.” he said

“Guess we'll be playing Stop then, wanna join, grandpa?” I looked at Steve

“I'm good.” He chuckled “Good luck.”

(...)

It’s been like an hour. I’m getting bored and I honestly want to leave. I just can’t be sitting around doing nothing, I get bored. We're now in the office, the three of us and Sharon, as we watch that doctor evaluate Bucky.

“Why would the Task Force release this photo to begin with?” Steve spoke breaking the silence

“Get the word out, involve as many eyes as we can?” Sharon shrugged

“Right.” Steve nodded “Its a good way to flush a guy out of hiding, set off a bomb, get your picture taken, get seven billion people looking for the Winter Soldier.”

“You're saying someone framed him to find him?” I asked him

“Steve, we looked for the guy for almost a year after Austria and found nothing.” Sam told him

“We didn't bomb the UN, that turns a lot of heads.” Steve said

“Yeah but that doesn't guarantee that whoever framed him would get him, it guarantees we would.” Sharon replied and then frowned kinda getting all the pieces together

“Yeah.” Steve turned to look back at the monitor

“Tell me Bucky, you've seen a great deal, haven't you?” Zemo asked Bucky

“I don't wanna talk about it.” Bucky responded

“You fear that if you open your mouth, the horrors might never stop.” Zemo replied

I kinda don't like this.

“I got a bad feeling.” I whispered to Sam as I leaned my elbows on the table

“About what?” He whispered back

“All this.” I sighed “It’s just.. it’s kinda weird.”

“Don't worry” Zemo added “We only have to talk about one.”

And just seconds after that, the power went out and the whole office was dark. Sam and I looked at each other and we kinda already knew that something was not right.

“Bad feeling alright.” Sam looked at me

“What the fuck?” I said and Steve turned around looking at Sharon

“Sub-level five, east wing.” She told him and he immediately looked at me like telling me to go with him

“Just go.” I said

Sam and Steve both stormed out of the office and I stayed there for a few minutes. I saw that Tony and Natasha were walking towards the door and Sharon saw them too.

“Come on.” She said to me

I got up and followed her. When we got out, we were kinda in like a lobby or some shit and there was Bucky just punching anyone who tried to stop him.

“Forget it, I’d rather get arrested.” I said after seeing how Bucky fought with Tony, but the poor man ended up on the floor.

I was really thinking about turning around and going back to where I came from, but before I could even think about leaving, Sharon grabbed my arm.

“You’re not leaving.” She said

“I’m sorry, but who was the one who almost died last time when he appeared in Washington?” She opened her mouth to talk, but I didn’t let her “Exactly, this time I’ll watch everything from a very far distance.”

“But you’re trained better than me.” She looked at me.

“You’re working for the CIA.”

“Cat! You gotta help me.”

I just rolled my eyes. “I should’ve stayed in New York.” I said starting to go down the stairs and she followed me

He might succeed and kill me this time.

When we first got there, Sharon was the first to kick him and I had no other choice than to follow her. It didn’t take long before Bucky was throwing her onto a table, breaking it, and grabbing me by the neck with his metal arm and pushing me onto one of the other tables there. I tried to get him off me once he started choking the shit out of me, but it was obviously impossible to even push him away.

“You could at least recognize me.” I managed to say, words barely coming out of me, as I tried to breath and also get him off me

My sight was starting to get all blurry and then I finally felt his hand releasing my neck. I rolled off the table coughing trying to catch my breath and when I managed to get on my feet again, I ran out of there trying to look for Sam and Steve. I even went outside but there were too many people running and screaming that it was literally impossible to find someone. I just opted to get the hell away from there and ended up walking for almost 40 minutes, also, trying to not get caught by the freaking helicopter that was looking for us.

I arrived at what looked like a small bookstore and decided to call Sam because I had no idea where they might be.

“Hey.” He answered

“Are you guys okay?” I asked him “Where the hell did you go?”

“I sent you the location of where we are.” He said “Come quick tho.”

“On my way.”

I hung up and went straight to Sam's conversation, I saw the pin and realized it wasn't so far from where I was so I decided to walk there and I literally arrived in almost 20 minutes. It was like an old auto shop kinda?

I got in and I saw Steve, Sam and Bucky inside.

“Took you forever.” Sam said

“Y'all literally vanished.” I rolled my eyes “And also, I had to make sure nobody saw me, there's a fucking helicopter looking for us, did you guys know that?”

“Are you okay?” Steve asked

“I’m fine.” I nodded and then I looked over at Bucky

Now that I have him closer and he's not trying to kill me, I definitely noticed that he looked a little different than the last time I saw him. Starting with his hair, which is a little longer.

If it wasn’t because he's a super soldier, I would smash my fist straight into that perfect face of his right now.

“And we meet again, soldat.” I stood in front of him folding my arms “So much for not wanting to be found, huh.”

“Not that I was planning on running into you three, specially not you.” He responded

“Well look at us now.” I gave him the most sarcastic smile ever

“Alright, that’s enough.” Steve said and I just stepped away from Bucky “I see Cat made quite the first impression.” He looked at his friend

“You don’t say.” Bucky sighed

“Oh he did too, trust me.” I scoffed “You do know we all have a fucking target on our backs, right?” I looked at Steve

“He didn't do it.” He said

“Oh I knew that since the moment we saw the news.” I nodded “I just can't really comprehend why the fuck would you go through all this shit when we already have secretary Ross on our asses because of the fucking accords and now we also have the CIA looking for us!”

“No offense, but that's a little hypocrite coming from you.” Bucky said to me “Why do you care so much about following orders now?”

“Offense and listen, you really shouldn't be talking shit after what's been happening.” I turned to look at him “You should've listened to me when you had the chance.”

“You really wanna do this now?” He raised an eyebrow

“Alright, enough.” Steve sighed

“You know what? I kinda want to.” I stepped closer to him, completely ignoring Steve

Not that I wanted to ignore him, but I'm actually kinda mad so my mind is only focusing on Bucky.

“Then why don't you do it, agent?” Bucky said to me

I just sighed. “You really are starting to get on my last nerve, who would’ve thought.”

“Shut up, both of you.” Steve said in a more serious tone “That's enough.”

“What the hell are we supposed to do now?” I turned around looking now at Steve

“That's why we called you.” Sam said

“I'm not tryna put my ass on the line again! We got enough with the accords to also be dealing with escaping from the fucking CIA.”

“What? You regret it now? Cause if that's the case, by all means, go talk to Tony, I’m sure he’ll welcome you with open arms.” He said folding his arms

“Don't be ridiculous, I’ve always been on your side, but this is fucking insane.”

“And don’t you think I know that? I’m tryna think of what to do now.” He said and I let out a sigh

“I just don’t want us to end up worst than we already are.. if that’s even possible.”

“It is, we could be in jail.” Sam said

“Relax, it won’t happen.” He said and I just leaned on the wall without saying anything else. “Who was that guy?” He asked Bucky

“I don't know.” He responded

“People are dead.” Steve started saying “The bombing, the setup.. the doctor did all that just to get 10 minutes with you, I need you to do better than "I don't know".”

“He wanted to know about Siberia, where I was kept.” He said after a few seconds “He wanted to know exactly where.”

“Why would he need to know that?” Steve asked

“Because I'm not the only Winter Soldier.” he replied

“Woah, hang the fuck on.” I shook my head

“Cat.” Steve looked at me

“No, wait, I'm with her on this one.” Sam spoke “You're saying there are more like you?” He asked Bucky

“Yes.” He nodded

“Who were they?” Steve asked

“Their most elite death squad” Bucky replied “More kills than anyone in HYDRA history and that was before the serum.”

“They all turned out like you?” I asked him

“Worse.” He looked at me

“The doctor, could he control them?” Steve questioned

“Enough.”

“He said he wanted to see an empire fall.” Steve added

“With these guys he could do it.” Bucky nodded “They speak 30 languages, can hide in plain sight, infiltrate, assassinate, destabilize, they can take a whole country down in one night and you'd never see them coming.”

“Well this is just great.” I said with sarcasm

“This would've been a lot easier a week ago.” Sam walked over to Steve and I

“If we call Tony..” Steve started saying and I scoffed

“I don’t think we’ll believe us.” I cut him off

“Even if he did..”

“Who knows if the accords would let him help.” I said and Steve let out a sigh

“We're on our own then.” He looked at the both of us

“Maybe not.” Sam shrugged and we both looked at him “I know a guy.”

“So” I looked at Steve “What's next, Cap?”

“I need to make a few calls.” He said “And we need to get out of here.”

“We gotta stay low tho.” Sam said

“Yeah, very low.” I nodded

“I'll be right back.” Steve walked out, I supposed so that he could make "a few calls"

Sam walked out too and I took a deep breath. This is insane.

I looked at Bucky and then I sat on the floor in front of him.

“So” I crossed my legs “Being framed is fun huh.”

“You have no idea.” He sighed “How'd you know it wasn't me?”

“Are you kidding? I’ve been tracking you.” I replied “…From a distance, of course.”

“Of course you have.” He said not at all surprised “Does Steve knows?”

“No, of course not.” I shook my head

“Why? Felt guilty?”

I let out a sigh. “A little.”

“He’s gonna find out eventually.”

“Yeah, I know.” I nodded “I’ve been thinking about telling him, but I just don’t know how he’s gonna react.”

I should tell him. I really should because maybe we wouldn't be in this mess right now if it wasn't for me.

“You have a certain look on your face, agent.” Bucky said in almost a whisper “What is it?”

“I just.. I think I better tell him now.”

“He's not gonna be happy.”

“I know.” I sighed “But I have to.. better late than never.”

I looked back and saw Steve standing next to Sam, who was actually talking on the phone.

“Steve.” I cleared my throat and I stood up from the floor “I, um.. can we talk?” I said and he looked at me “I kinda need to tell you something.”

“Yeah, of course.” He nodded “Wanna go outside?”

“Well I don’t want the police to see us, so here it’s fine.”

I was really anxious. I didn’t even know how to start.

“What is it?” He asked when he saw that I was pretty impatient

“Okay, I’m just gonna say it.” I sighed “Remember when I went with Sam to Europe? To find Bucky.”

“Yeah, what happened?”

“Okay, well remember that we did found him, right? We told you we were in Austria.”

“Yes, Cat, I remember everything, where are you going with this?”

“I didn't lost him.. I, uh..” I bit my lip nervously “I let him go.” I finally confessed, he looked at me a little confused

“What are you talking about?” He frowned and then looked at Bucky “What is she talking about?” He pointed at me

“I was the one who talked to him that day.”

“Yeah and if I remember correctly, he got all defensive and threw you across the room, you were all bruised and even had a cut.” He said “What do you mean you let him go?”

“I talked to him, he said that he needed time and I just.. I simply decided to let him go.”

“Simply decided?” He raised an eyebrow

“Look, I’m sorry.”

“What the hell happened exactly for you to let him go like that?”

“Don't be mad at her, it's my fault.” Bucky interrupted us and Steve looked at him “I was just trying to remember everything on my own.”

“Stop.” I looked at him “I should've knocked the fuck out of you and drag you out of there.”

“Yeah, you should have.” Steve nodded “You realize that because you let him go we’re in this position now, right?”

“Yes!” I raised my voice “I made a mistake, I know and I'm sorry, okay? I didn't think it was too big of a deal at the moment, he just wanted to remember everything on his own and I thought that was okay.”

“Well it clearly wasn't.”

“Yeah, it wasn’t.” I sighed “But at least my intuition was right! He didn't do anything.”

“But look where we are now!”

“But that’s not entirely my fault now, is it?” I said “I mean, the fucker who messed with his head is the real responsible here, he could’ve done it even if Bucky was with us.”

“That’s not the point…”

“It is! It kinda is.” I cut him off

“Cat, you’re not realizing the consequences that your actions had.”

“I am! Trust me, I am realizing it and I knew what I was getting myself into when I made that decision.”

He clicked his tongue. “I just can’t believe you could do something like this knowing it would have consequences. I just..” he sighed “I can't believe that you, out of all people, could do this.”

“I know it was wrong but I just..”

“What?” He looked at me with his hands on his hips

I let out a sigh. “You're really mad at me, aren't you?”

“A little.” He nodded “And a little disappointed too, you were supposed to do your job and I asked you to do it because I knew you were the only one who would do it no questions asked.”

“I know and I'm sorry.”

“We could've prevented this.”

“I know.” I sighed feeling guilty as hell “I really am sorry.. trust me if I could go back in time and change what happened, I would.”

He let out a sigh. “I'll go see if Sam's done so we can get the hell out of here.” He said walking out again before we could say something else

I just sighed and then leaned on the wall. Bucky's eyes found mine and he took a deep breath as he sat straight.

“I'm sorry for trying to kill you.” He said looking at my neck

“It's fine.” I said “Not the first time anyway.”

“Sorry.”

“At least you’re apologizing now.”

“Apology accepted then?”

“I don’t know, I’ll think about it.” I sat on the floor facing him “I tend to hold grudges.”

“Well that’s not good.”

“Do I look like I care?” I tilted my head

“You got issues, you know?”

“Well.. that makes two of us.” I shrugged

“…Can't argue with that.” He shook his head and I chuckled

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[risu5waffles]

the Streaming Pile

Working on a new project to keep me busy for, honestly, probably a decent while. Had that idea of chopping the level play out of the old streams, and publishing those as individual videos. Went pretty quick from "oh, that might be fun" to "well, now i'm tits deep in this fucker, so i guess we'll have to see it through."

Big thanks to @soupum , by the by. They pointed me in the direction of some programs i'd need, and tutorialed me through them, and that's been such a massive help. While it's certainly possible i'd have gotten where i needed on my own, having a kind hand to guide me has reduced the stress, as well as the pre-production time, immensely.

Here's a little level info card Soup helped me make. i really like it. Thinking of making a couple so i can switch them up, but that might take a minute. Time and energy are, as always, at a premium.

It's been a trip going through this first VoD (from way back on July 14th, 2019!). As much as, or honestly more than, a level archive (which this series will likely succeed in only tangentially and through situational necessity alone), these videos stand pretty solidly as a document of my personal growth, and the growth of my community (as people growing, that is. our numbers and membership have always been pretty stable), over these last five years.

As told through the medium of playing LBP community levels.

Often quite badly.

Or certainly wivout enough sleep.

So, it's neat, but also kinda frustrating? There's the voice thing, but at least i've gotten used to it quickly enough. But also, just, like, we didn't have an offical ableism policy until 2021, yeah? And while we weren't, you know, arguing for eugenics, or dunking on people wiv disabilities, there's still a lot of language that i'm not super happy hearing coming out of my mouth.

The double-punch of covid (and gov't's/society's response to same), and the George Floyd murder (and the police's response to same) really rocket-sledded my positions from unconsidered, soft-squishy lefty-lib to "the only reason i'm not advocating immediate widespread arson is because if things aren't dismantled right, people who are suffering now are just going to be suffering more, but really nationstates and the global north need to not be a thing and soon."

Which means, at least pre-2020, there's a decent chance i'll stumble across myself saying something along the lines of "well, sure, the police are shite, but they're kind of necessary, and surely some reform would help the issue."

i am already preparing the cringe-unto-death as we speak.

Anyways, that's the new big thing. i don't know how many videos we'll get out of this. i know at some point we started splitting streams between create mode and level play, and there are gaps from when my laptop was busted and i had no way to upload VoDs to YouTube. On the other hand, i pulled 23 usable clips from just the first VoD, so... wiv one-a-day publishing that'll keep something on the channel for a pretty good while to come. And that's nice. i've really missed doing this kind of stuff.

[diospore]

MHA 430, no real spoilers to the ending but I'm also discussing my au ideas under the break too so that's why I tagged spoilers and added the bar, because there's a variety of spoilers.

That was fine I guess, could've been worse... Sad no dfo but I kinda gave up on that being good 10 chapters ago. Insert Thanos I'll do it myself gif.

5.5-6/10.

I'm gonna start my analysis + reread on Saturday I think?

Here's thoughts I already have:

- Reduce amount of students in 1-A. I realized that I can't handle 20+ main characters lol. My original idea was 5, but I've got it down to 10 by fusing characters. Izuku, Aoyama, Uraraka, Shoto, and Bakugo remain the same. I'm going to review the fusions and draw them later...

Fusions:

Sero/Kaminari/Kirishima (Reason: I get them mixed up a lot.)

Iida/Momo/Ojiro (Rich kid + I like Ojiro)

Jiro/Tokoyami/Shoji (Characters with a "dark vibe" ((emo lol)))

Mina/Tsu (I'd feel bad having one and not the other)

Koda/Sato (Honestly they're here because they're the ones I think of when I think "they got shoved aside" as well as Ojiro but I like him more.) ((... Also combine their names and you get Soda....))

Most likely to be cut: Ojiro, Sato, Koda, Sero

Cut: Mineta (Obvious reasons), Hagakure (I couldn't think of anything)

I swear there's logic here but I'm unable to explain it better lol. I'm eepy.

- Bakugo will be expelled from UA in the first arc, perhaps that'll be the conclusion of it. Possibly return in a later arc, I'm thinking the vigilante arc? Minor character. Basically a starter antagonist before the stakes ramp up.

(Results in the same amount of students as OFA users! Which I think is a nice parallel.)

- First arc will be about the class bonding since I really wanted more 1-A bonding scenes. Mainly about them helping each other. (I. E. Izuku opening up about being bullied, the class helping Shoto with the Endeavor situation, etc.) Bakugo's role will be getting in the way of this. Minor antagonist.

- LOV shouldn't be introduced until after a bond is established. Sorry Shiggy my beloved, you must wait.

- All for One dies in Kamino equivalent. (Unsure of how to set this up w/o Bakugo, maybe Midoriya's the one kidnapped?) Sorry AFO I love you so so much, but I'm killing you off. You're op as hell and the kill should be All Might's. You can come back and possess people later if you're good.

- DFO will be there as well as reducing the role AFO played in Shigaraki's backstory. Increase the role in Midoriya's life (negative).

- Aizawa will have a bit of a tweak, he'll be less physically violent with the students. (Less scarf grabby, only in extreme circumstances) Also I think having a lasting injury from the Oboro incident would be a nice touch. Give him a House MD vibe with a cane??? God I fucking loved House. Gay and homophobic, what an icon.

- Eventually I want Endeavor to go to prison or face some form of consequence. Maybe death. I was also thinking about him being tricked into helping AFO out of desperation for that number one spot. Bakugo takes his place for redemption arc?

- I don't really want to kill Midnight off... Or Twice... Or like. Any of the LOV. Need to think about that... But I know Twice's death was very important, so I might have to get over it somehow.

Not saying there won't be death, it just has to make more sense to me.

-

Wrote most of this at 2 am lol so this is probably incoherent. It's not a critique of the series, it's just my idea for the au. Like I get that classes have like 20 people in them. And that characters die. That villains die even if they're children.

I think if I plan this in arcs, I'll have the best chance of finishing it.

[definitelynottony]

Could you do starkercest? But fem!peter? 🥺 pls?

Her there nonny. Fem!Peter isn't something I've done before, but I gave it a shot because you asked so nicely~

TW: Female Peter, incest (Daddy x daughter)

Tony thought he's been a good father. He's spoiled his baby girl rotten over the years, sure, but she's perfect. And when she gives him those big bambi eyes, like hell he'd ever say no to her. Except when it comes to boys.

"Daddy! Everyone else has a date, why can't I? There was at least three guys that already asked me to the dance!"

"Because, princess, you're not old enough to date yet." That has been Tony's excuse for the last four years. It's even getting old to his own ears.

"That's bullshit and you know it! I'm seventeen, Dad! Most of my class have been dating since they were twelve!"

"I'm sorry you're going to school with a bunch of heathens, but i'm raising my little girl with some class. You can date when I'm dead!"

"But that'll take forever!!!"

"Brat." Tony rolled his eyes at her.

"Meanie!" Parker pouted out to her Dad. Tony can't stand that.

"Come on, tesoro. Don't be like that. Daddy bought you that pretty dress you wanted, bought you all new makeup, and you're going to go get your hair done. Why do you need a boy bringing you down when you're going to be the bell of the ball?"

Parker's eyes started to shine with tears. She was good... too damn good. She knows how to play her Dad's heartstrings. Crying, without fail, always got her what she wanted. She learned that by age five. Tony never had the heart to say no.

"Parker Maria Stark. Do not cry over a boy. I taught you better than that."

"Who am I going to slow dance with, Daddy? I'll look like a loser... everyone already thinks I'm weird."

Tony pulled his little girl into a tight hug. "No one thinks that, baby. You're the prettiest girl in that whole school."

"You have to say that! You're my dad."

"I'm also a man. I know what I'm talking about."

Parker's face flushed at that comment. She turned away and pouted, trying to hide her face. Tony saw it, though. Felt it. How his little girl clenched her thighs... he's just a man. God. A lonely man with a gorgeous seventeen year old daughter. These intrusive thoughts aren't the first time they came to the old man.

Honestly, they've been happening more and more. Even more sinful after Tony saw what his little girl bought herself with her Daddy's credit card. Tony had to dig a bit. Had to threaten the company with the fact that they sold over a five hundred dollars worth of products to a minor. But it was worth it. To see all the lingerie that now sits in his little girls dresser. The dildos and vibrators she's hiding under her bed.

Yeah. There's no way he's letting his little girl with an awakening sexual appetite go off with a teen boy. Tony was a teen boy at one point. He knows how they are. What they want. The only thing they want. The joke is that thing doesn't go away with age. When he's holding his little girl like this, thinking about what she might be thinking about... okay. He should probably let go now.

"Daddy?" Parker asks in a shy voice as her Dad let go of her and stepped back.

"Yes, baby girl?"

"Why don't you want me to have a boyfriend? You know, statistically, kids with strict rules tend to do worse things when they're legal..."

"Are you threatening me, princess?" Tony's face gets serious. Eyes small in a glare, eyebrow cocked.

"All I'm saying is if I don't get to date boys my own age now, maybe I'll end up dating an older man next year when I go off to college." She shrugs.

"Excuse me? You will do no such thing. You're my child, you'll follow my rules."

"No! If I want to go date a forty year old when I turn eighteen in a few months, I will! And you can't stop me!"

Tony's never felt this possessive before. He sees red when he grabs his girl by the wrist and pulls her in against him. When he growls out, "if you're so desperate for a man to fuck you, sweetheart, let Daddy show you exactly what you're asking for."

He might not win "father of the year award," especially after this. But he made his little girl scream and pass out after her third orgasm and you know, that's enough for him.

[papermonkeyism]

For the new year, I wish I'll get to hang out with people again.

This past year has been, frankly, pretty miserable, specially since early summer-ish when my DnD group went on a months long break. Wasn't the first one, nor the last one, but definetely the worst one. Don't really have other friends locally, aside from one old school mate.

Honestly it's been pretty bad ever since the start of the pandemic when we stopped hanging out outside of DnD sessions and my fave coffee places closed down along with couple of my fave restaurants, and I just... Stopped having a social life, but now it's so much worse. As said, I have one (1) friend outside of the group I sometimes go shopping with, and one of my DnD buddies hangs out with me maybe once a week to borrow my laundry machine for couple hours, and they are probably the only reasons I haven't broken completely so far.

But neither of them are storytelling people the same way I am, so I'm kinda holding back when we hang out, as I can't really go all in with my special interests on them.

Downsides of being socially awkward introvert.

The summer break from roleplaying was a trigger for anxiety and maybe the worst creative block of my life so far. As someone who basically thinks with a sketchbook it was pretty fucking stressful not being able to draw anything for several months!

I crave creation and storytelling, but my brain is made of goo. Like imagine if someone came and asked you to pick a water from a pool and hand it to them? But it's liquid! Can I get a cup or something, but they just scoff. You got hands, right, just pick one up and hand it over. So I'm just left trying to scoop handfuls of wet and grabbing nothing. Kinda how it feels.

Started marathoning Crit Role to distract myself from the worst of it and to have at least some kind of creative energy in my life, and consumed what must be over half a thousand hours of role playing. At least that was fun!

And when nights started stretching and seasonal depression started to creep into my already not-doing-good brain I started my routine of evening walks because at some point I was legitimately going stir crazy enough to explode otherwise.

It's also been my first full year of joblessness in a long while. I was already having hard time by the end of last year, because my brain has difficulty handling full time jobs for long stretches of time, and ten months in a row not being able to recharge was starting to weight on me, so I had made a plan to get my brain sorted out with the ADHD diagnosis and hopefully medication before applying for jobs again, but turns out the process took the entire year, and then some, and I still don't have the meds yet. I have been given the thumbs up on them, but turns out me stressing for the better part of a year has triggered blood pressure problems (runs in my family, so honestly probably just a matter of time, but it's still very inconvenient to happen right now), so I have to sort that out first before it's safe to try stimulant medication.

And then there was the death in the family and a close friend's cancer diagnosis (fingers crossed!) and I just haven't had a great time, you know.

January's going to go into medical stuff in the hope of getting the ADHD meds, so maybe I could one day grab those thoughts again. The unemployment office is also pestering me again, so we'll see how that'll go.

I think I'll see if I can make myself a regular at the new cat cafe in town. Cats make everything better. Also looking forwards to actualizing a tattoo plan or two! Springtime is coming too, eager to continue my evening walk routine with returning sunlight. And I really, really, really need to create something again.

So here's for what I sincerely hope to be a better year than this past one! Cheers.

[mitzvahmelting]

random ask! what's an upcoming piece of media you're excited for and why?

it's actually kind of funny you asked this, because the answer is sort of... nothing? i don't usually watch media properties that aren't already finished, because it makes me anxious to think about leaving the fates of the characters i like in the hands of the creators, who could choose to take the story in a direction i don't like. honestly the first and only time i watched a series where i was waiting for new episodes to come out every week was when Avatar: The Last Airbender was first airing. Waiting through the breaks between seasons was agonizing. I don't think i've ever had that experience since then... i just don't watch things in that way anymore.

that said, i guess i am cautiously looking forward to some things. i'm not invested in these fandoms the way i'm invested in, like, a Main Fandom, but i think they'll be nice:

next season of leverage: redemption. i've got complicated feelings about leverage after reading some more about the way the portland production company treated women workers back in the original show production, but i think the reporting wasn't quite horrible enough to turn me off from the show completely. it sounded like neglectfulness on the part of leadership more than malice. (the stuff about tim hutton is different, but he's not on the show anymore so that's fine). so i'm not fully soured on it, and i think the writers on the show are incredibly kind and warm in their writing, so i'm looking forward to more.

good omens season 3, because season 2 felt like an incomplete story and i want to see what the hell neil does with the chekov's arsenal he stocked up

once ncuti gatwa's first season of DW is complete i'll watch it. i just don't like watching weekly so i'll wait until i can binge all at once. but i can tell he's gonna be marvelous.

anything the bluey writers do is gold. so i'm sure that'll be nice whenever there are more bluey episodes. but i'm still watching season 1 lol so i've barely made a dent in the backlog.

i just watched dimension 20 fantasy high freshman year. i'm gonna wait until junior year is complete before binging sophomore and junior year together probably

[thessalian]

Thess vs the Daunt

So, we're back to bullet-pointing how I'm going at Horizon: Forbidden West so far:

Okay, awesome, I can talk to old friends-- Wait. Is Avad going to hit on me again?

...Yyyyyyyyyyep. Nice try adding "when this is over", dude, but you do realise that this is not something I can think about right now? Why not try "once I set the throne aside for the little bit", okay? 'Cos I would be shit in a palace.

I ... honestly don't remember some of these people, but they're doing okay, so all's good.

WHY ARE YOU NOT LETTING ME GET RID OF VENDOR TRASH? Instead you want me to only stick my "reprogramme the machines" doohickey on the shiny new spear I got? (Which is good because mine dissolved, apparently, Because Reasons. Because Reasons sometimes suck.)

Wait, why are we talking about leaving in the morning for a ride that'll take a couple of days when we really want to get there in time for this meeting with the angry dudes? I mean, you're warrior-hunters. Surely you can manage a bit of a ride before sunset?

...Oh. That's why. Bye, Varl. I'm sure you'll follow eventually, because you Be Like That, but it'll take you awhile because I have the "reprogramme the machines" doohickey and all you've got is a Focus. Sorry, dude, but I'm about to probably-die like twenty-eight million times out there.

Okay, so what's going to be the problem that I have to solve before I can go to this Diplomacy Jamboree? ...Machines in the way, huh? I do not get you people - they die like anything else! But fine, fine; you need me to kill machines, that be what I do.

...Excuse me Mr Smug Sundom Man, you said what? And yet I have to help you. Well, I'm really helping me. You're just a somewhat unwanted bonus. Now shut up and if you call me a slave-girl again I will demonstrate why I am the Saviour, and if you're lucky it'll just be by throwing chunks of dead machine at your head.

Okay, fine, I may wander a little first. Just to pick up some fast travel points in the area. ...Hrm. Mine. And distressed Oseram. I like the Oseram. Lemme see if I can be of help. ...Dudes trapped in collapsed mine? I can handle that-- Oh. This says level 5. I am level 3. Well, fuck it, I'll manage anyway. This is story mode.

Mrrrrrrrrr WHY WILL YOU NOT LET ME SHOOT AT THE BURROWERS WHILE I'M CROUCHED IN THIS NICE CONVENIENT ENTRYWAY?!? Fine, fuck it; I'll use the stupid spear if you're so hot and horny for me to have melee combat. Assholes.

Maybe I should try platformers again. I always think I'm going to be bad at them and yet I manage these games pretty damn well and they're basically platformers with fighting mechanics attached half the time.

Aaaaaaaaand BOOM. Now, how the fuck do I get up to that ladder? I want to access that cache up there. Hrm. Well, maybe I'll skip it and pull these crates out of the gap I need to navigate-- Wait. There's yellow on top of these crates. Lemme get up to... "Pull Crate"? Oh. Ooooooooh. Drag drag drag RIGHT under the ladder and... YES! UP I GO.

Okay, I wanna know what tools I need to open those other bits and why the hell I'd want to come back here for them. Besides, like, practice.

Yeah, your guys are safe but they could probably use some help that is not me because they're kind of embarrassed about being rescued-- Wait, who forces you to work in insane dangerous places and conditions? Oh, come on; I thought it was just the Carja that did this bullshit!

Right. Apparently my tendency to hunt ALL THE THINGS as I go means that I can basically upgrade most of my shit right out the gate. Now I have done that and it's on to Chainscrape--

ULVUND YOU ARE A SHITHEAD. This "playing political games with people for your own gain" bullshit is what got the human race into this mess in the first place! I don't know if this is a comment about human nature or what, but I also guess that any of the lessons of history we needed to learn so we weren't doomed to repeat them were lost when APOLLO went screwy. FUCK.

Aww, Milduf. Trying to deal with the needs of striking workers; I hear you. And I will get you ALL THE INGREDIENTS. Just ... one question. Could we maybe have a thing where I can build myself a grill and make my own buff-inducing food? No? Okay fine. Here's your bitterleaf and meat and lemme just go get you your grill. (I WANT A COOKING MECHANIC THOUGH.)

Petra! YOU I remember! Hi! ...No, not really into playing board games, thanks. For a game that's about me saving the world, you give me all the wrong extraneous shit sometimes, y'know? I want the cooking mechanic, not the board game mechanic!

YES I AM GOING TO GO FIND EREND I JUST WANT TO GET THAT ONE LAST FAST TRAVEL POINT-- Wait. What's this satellite dish? Shiny lens? I am allowed to take? HEY I FOUND A COLLECTIBLE! This makes up for the metal flowers that turn up here being somewhat different than the metal flowers from the last game, which I cannot pick but are apparently ... traversal aids, if you get the right parts? Weird.

What is the green shiny rock? Eh, who cares; it'll be useful at some point. Right. Fast travel points. Upgrades - including for shit I will never use. Onward to Barren Light and points surrounding!

I'm going to get a fair bit more done today, mind you. See, I kind of forgot that it was Good Friday today and thus a bank holiday. If it weren't for a friend of mine's Facebook post, I would have had the alarm and getting up and logging into the work machine and wondering what the fuck was going on with the typing queue. As it is, I did wake up briefly about an hour before my alarm, but I just went back to sleep after that. Now I have to go out before everything closes (early for the bank holiday) so I can pick up some bits and pieces like pain meds and maybe something nice for dinner. I mean, I did get the big grocery shop delivered yesterday, but that was basics for meals for the month. I mean something special. Just not sure what yet. I should figure that out before I leave the house, huh?

[toa-arania]

I live in a hell of my own creation

and I need to scream into the endless void of the internet about this so strap in or strap on because I'm going to ramble about vampires now.

For about two years I have been part of a Vampire The Masquerade larp chronicle where I play Evelyn D'Argent, the domain's Harpy who is so horny that she needs an above-board content warning and all-around ventrue menace. I absolutely adore her and that is the problem. For reasons I'm not getting into the chronicle is kind of imploding, which means that despite the fact that I'm not really ready to lose her it's unlikely that I'll get to play Evelyn for much longer. This is not the main problem. I've had games die prematurely before (rip Karouh), I've got attached to characters who were only ever going to be in oneshots, and I've had long-form collaborative settings kind of fizzle out (rip RO). The problem is that I hit perfectly on what I would want in a vampire character and I don't think I can ever make another VtM character I will like as much.

This isn't an exaggeration, to be very clear. I have played other characters in sessions and regardless of how similar they are to Evelyn I have always reliably found myself thinking for the whole of the session "ugh I wish I was playing Evelyn rn". So now I'm in the situation where literally anyone else I could play I will just want to play Evelyn. "But I could just port Evelyn over-" no I can't. Not only will it be with the same group of people so they will know and I will have to deal with the comparisons the whole time, and not only does everything I would join have the rule of not just porting over other characters anyway, but I would know and I would not want that.

So I am back to my original problem. How in the flying fuck do I make a character who hits all the notes I want without it Just Being Evelyn Again. The answer is that I don't fucking know I fully do not have an answer I'm smacking my head against a wall this is the worst how have I done this to myself. It doesn't help that Ventrue is my favourite clan to play because I love being a scheming bastard. It's a core part of the VtM experience for me. The closest thing to an answer I can think of is to make a character who encompasses just enough of Evelyn's deal that I can get enough of that that I want, and make up for the rest of it in Another Character Elsewhere.

Evelyn is a character very uniquely put together for use in a larp context, because - well honestly because of her whole vibe, but the specific example is that she's a performer, and in a larp session I can (and have on several occasions) fully get up on a stage and sing. Also she bears a physical resemblance to me with the long hair and the Tall and the tiddies, which means dressing as her is easy and fun (cleavage). This whole thing presents another unique problem because so much of the vibe and what I like about her is physically portraying how she is and acts and doing her voice and the more of this I write out the more I realise maybe I just can't do a fucking play by post and I've fucked myself even worse than I thought.

Aside from all that, Evelyn is at her core terrifyingly smart when it comes to scheming and manipulation because the political intrigue is my favourite bit of vtm, so in order to play any character in VtM ever they need to be at least as good as Evelyn in that aspect of things and probably in a very similar way because Oh Hoh Presence and because if I try and do it in a different way it'll just Be Less Fun. That'll be the main angle I'll need to be able to play if I can't have the performing stuff (I have a Bard cooking in my brain anyway so maybe I can get the performing there, who fucking knows).

And then a friend of mine says hey do you want to come and be my second Childe in this play by post that has a waiting list that's probably months long and I end up actually having ideas that work I'm going to fuckign cry.

I have no idea if I'm going to like this character that I want to be very clear has been cooking for exactly one hour, nor do I know if I'm ever going to get to play her, but I know deep in my fucking core that she can't just Be Evelyn Again, and I worry deeply that that's going to make me like her less. Essentially:

Fuck

So now here I am with a character concept I might never get to play who I am very worried is just going to be a worse version of a character I'm not ready to let go of, while also dealing with the knowledge that I'm going to have to lose Evelyn eventually anyway and it's just a whole clusterfuck that I Have Not Resolved nor do I have any idea how to. Do I abandon the niche I've carved out for myself entirely in the knowledge that I could never do it as well again, or do I make someone who only reaches some of the old heights while using other characters to make up the gaps in what I get to play? Am I just fucked either way?

I don't know how to close this out.

[keikakudori]

in what ways would aizen love his partner post-muken?

out.

I'll answer this one going by f!verse since that's the one where Aizen and Gin wind up together as a couple. Hell!verse and zombie!verse are much more ambiguous right now; just let them hold hands at least.

Honestly, Aizen loves Gin in every way he can. What is very important to note is that the man has emotional constipation and while I don't know yet at what point in the Caged Thread (yes I am giving it capitals it's important) that he'll say to Gin that he loves him? He will, eventually, say it. Of course, Gin's hurled out something in his (very justified) blow-up at Aizen that's going to see Aizen not saying it for a long time and that was only the first part of the Important Conversation that's been unlocked at last between them. But let's fast-forward to them living in the era past the Blood War, shall we? Aizen shows his love for Gin in all the small ways. Telling Gin that he loves him isn't entirely necessary but it will get easier for Aizen to say with time and, likely, he's probably going to tell him that at least once a day. It's something that Aizen enjoys saying, though he doesn't fully expect Gin to say it back to him. Yet for a man who's been well justified as a profound liar, it's something significant. I haven't decided yet if Aizen would ever have told Momo that he loves her, but I do know that he would probably say that he's fond of her while he's being a bastard.

But Aizen's way of showing love won't have changed that much before or after Muken.

He likes to show his love by sharing things; his food, his yukata, even the stealing of his kiseru. No one else would ever be allowed but he'll do that with Gin. They talk much more openly now by that point, since there's no need for them to have secrets any longer; it's improved their communication. And Aizen will tell Gin many things if he can. He's never going to be overwhelming in how he shows this love, unless he wants to get a little fancy (and Aizen can and does get fancy; he even enjoys getting fancy.) for some reason or another, like what could constitute their anniversary. Which I guess... would be, maybe, the day that Gin became a captain?

( @godkilller DO WE EVEN HAVE AN ANNIVERSARY FOR THEM? ) Anyways, it's in how supportive he is of Gin, in how protective he is. Aizen knows damn well that Gin is more than capable of taking care of himself -- he survived for two years in Las Noches with terrible wounds, after all, not to mention coming from the Rukongai -- but there is a desire in him to be protective of the younger man. Not a lot of people can stir up his emotions, so Gin's fairly unique in the place he holds in Aizen's world. That's something that will never change. I sincerely doubt anyone else could ever eclipse Gin's place. If it happens, then that'll be something wild and strange to behold, certainly.

Just as Aizen won't ever be overwhelming, he prefers to favor more subdued and even subtle displays of things. Things like putting plates of food down if he thinks Gin hasn't eaten enough or perhaps putting a blanket over his shoulders if he's dozed off. Hell, you could even say that his usual way of forcing medication into Gin (which went from him SITTING ON HIM WHEN GIN WAS A KID AFTER WRAPPING HIM IN A BLANKET TO GET THE MEDICATION INTO HIM--- to, well, medication kisses when Gin was much older because I am a slut for a good trope.) is also love. It's just usually accompanied by Gin's wailing and dramatics that Aizen's become used to.

Chances are everyone else also grew used to Gin's dramatics and learned to not take it seriously when those happened.

But either way, Aizen shows that he loves Gin in dozens of ways. They may not make sense to an outsider looking in at them but their dynamic is their own. No one understands him as well as this young prodigy he was allowed to influence, and no one else ever will.

Even in the f!verse, he really will not allow other people to get close to him for a long time. But it will happen; chances are that Aizen is going to try and offer some kind of friendship to Rangiku because she's important to Gin and, therefore, she will become important to Aizen. Give him enough time and it will grow, that list of people he cares about.

And, I think what it ultimately comes down to, is that Aizen will show Gin how he loves him, the ways that he loves him, by proving that he's not the same man he was before Deicide. It's a complicated question and this is the very complicated answer. Aizen will usually show, not tell; but give him enough time and he'll begin to tell it as well as show it.

[thewritingsofapunkrockmisfit]

The Diary of a Punk Rocker Misfit. 1

When I look over this city, I can't help but wonder where the fuck all the fires are.

It's like, they don't get it do they? A company makes millions off your hard work every day. What do they offer you? Minimum wage. They disrespect our competence. Managed by people who are out for themselves, given orders by those with control issues. Pussies, the lot of them.

When I think about how replaceable I am to them, I can't help but think how 1 match and a can of gas can change their bottom line.

A single spark near a pool of kerosene, that'll show the fuckers. An entire operation of control and obedience up in smoke over night. What? Don't look at me all judgmental and shit, no one was inside. I'm an agent of freedom, not a monster.

When I think about how the news will cover the event, I can't help but wonder how people eat this bullshit up.

It's because it's easy to swallow. Just a terrorist trying to spark nothing more but fear in the American people. Fuck that, fear mongering is for the 1% fascists who couldn't give less of a fuck about the complaints on their ears. They only speak one language, and I'm real fuckin' good at communicating, you feel me?

When I look over the smoke stack, I can't help but think about the guys in suits who want me dead.

Not like they give a shit about me, nothing personal right? Just business as usual. Gotta get rid of anything that harms the bottom line. That's what we all are people, a bottom line. You either make the money for the big boys or you die in a ditch, nameless. Act out a little because it's all bullshit? Good luck man, they'll probably bury you like they wanna bury me too.

When I hop the fence and bolt into the night, I can't help but wonder if I'll see the sunrise.

I was dead anyways. These companies have a way of "Soft killing" people they don't like. Kinda like how we can "Quietly quit". Give 110% and get no compensation for it. Tell them just once that it's bullshit and suddenly you're aching for work all over town. Can't get money honestly anymore, barely making money at all. Don't have time for freelance, and here I am. Running from a fire so large it'll be in the news for years. Shit, they might even call it another 9/11. Hitting the gas line was the hard part.

When I hear the explosion in the distance, I can't help but not give a fuck if I hurt any of the cops surrounding the place.

Hell, half of them are probably crooked anyways. Or worse, they just want the power of the badge so they can choke out a minority and get away with it. What do they give a fuck about bad press if they don't get the same treatment? Fuck them, immolation is the best they should expect from the civilians they beat. Civilian? Nah, I'm a soldier in my own way.

When I lurch over and huff from all the running, I can't help but expect my death.

Yet it doesn't come. You'd think it wouldn't be hard to pin this on the recently let go employee who had a pension for speaking the truth and being hostile when met with the opposition, but fuck me there were a lot of those apparently. Thought I was a goner, but I got away with it. Holy shit, I got away with it... I was already fucked. Bills piling, debt accruing, letters from the hospital. Can barely eat after not even paying all my dues.

When I lay in bed tonight, I can't help but smile.

[youinwords]

13th May 2023

Probably one of my worst Summers, And it started with you leaving without letting me know, trust me I really wanted to ask you about it, but I just couldn't because what am I going to say if you say that you simply didn't want me. But I want you to know that I just wanted to meet you once before you're gone for a month, a month without you is still a lot even if I know that I'll probably have to spend the rest of my life without you.

I've told you about how I feel towards you, it was very liberating indeed. But did you not feel anything else other than just feeling good about what I said about you, were they just good words to you, I wonder. I know that you'd say that you don't feel the same towards me, but after a few days of confession it struck me that love is magic, yes, but it happens in an instant for both may not be the case all the time. What I want to say is, maybe you're not feeling anything towards me but it could be that tomorrow you would, I'm not saying you should, but a possibility can't be denied isn't it?

I know you want me to be friends with you and sometimes I do feel that it would've been awesome if I had not fallen for you, so that I could've given all of me to you and you wouldn't have reacted the way you do now (I believe my approaches of romance makes things uncomfortable between us, but I love you, so my eyes are always searching you, for they're also scared that one day you won't be there and that'll be the case from life beyond that day, there's this phrase in Hindi where you say ' आंखे भर के देखना', perhaps this is it).

But on this side of the universe, I've chosen to fall in love with you. I'll honestly tell you that just like you, I don't like when people tease me about us either, and it's because they think there is something, which I would've most certainly loved if existed, but it doesn't so it's sad moreover it's also causing you a lot of trouble which I never wanted to happen in any way, anyday, but I know it's my fault behind all this, I never thought that people whome I'll trust so much will spread stuff about it all over the college, that's the reason why I stay alone for most of the time, I know me apologizing won't do much, but I'm sorry for whatever probelms this caused to you.

For the past few days I've been thinking about it, so I made a resolve, that I'll stay away from you, so that people will stop doing all this, I don't care whether the world knows how much I love you or I don't, I don't need them teasing me to boost my ego, I won't mind even if they tease me that you left me, but just don't tell me to not love you, I've known to do that and only that. I post so much about love, sometimes I forget that all that people here know about love is teasing someone when they post something like that. It is true that some posts are indeed directed towards you, but for the world I just want them to know how deep and powerful love is, it shouldn't be anyone's business looking into what's between us...

My confession ended that day, but there are still so many things which are to be said, I didn't then because it was not the right time, I wanted you to see the real me first and not the nice guy who I portray to be, and I'll give my reasons to all of these but for that I needed some time to pass so that everything happens slowly. And sadly time is a rare resource and I fear that I'm running out of it..

I know that after this course finishes you'll be gone home, and I don't know when will you return or would you even return or not. But whatever the case is, I'll be waiting for you.

If you feel like it, come back and I'll even tell you why I choose to wait. Unlike the movies where love stories finally come to that cliched happy end real life is much harsher and realities pull us away from the dream which we had thought about once, but I'm not afraid of it. My love story is already a happy one, because it was you who I chose to fall in love with..

मेहरबानी नहीं तुम्हारा प्यार मांगा है तुम्हे मंजूर है तभी तो यार मांगा है गैरो के डर से, तेरे शेहर से है कसम रिश्ता तोडू ना तेरा रस्ता मैं छोडू ना

#letterstoyou

.

[coxkboxer]

I'm gonna say it. this dumbass old white man is a fucking fool.

y'know that scene in the movie saw when the body on the ground turns out to be the guy taking a little nippy-nap the whole time?

mf just GETS UP at the end??

that would be mr jigsaw's worst fucking mistake if he put me in that room because my first literal instinct would be to chuck something at it's fucking head to see if it was really dead. that old man would be rendered unconscious by the steel toe of my fucking shoe, bc I'd probably be wearing my mf work shoes when he kidnaps me bc I don't go nowhere else.

But does he take their shoes? probably.

it's been a while since I saw the movie and after some research, he does in fact take their shoes. ok, so he's not that dumb but he's still pretty fucking dumb. Might I direct you to some of the items those two guys find?

HE LITERALLY GIVES THEM TWO SAWS.

but, okay, the blade might be a bit dull and the chain on my ankle probably wouldn't allow me to reach the body without help. I think that one guy only reaches it after cutting off his own foot.

so, after failing to cut off my chain for the next hour, I'd probably take it apart and attempt to use the bits to pick the locks on my chain. You can clearly see there's a lock of some sort on it. once I'm free, that mf is getting bashed in. REMEMBER: MY FIRST LITERAL INSTINCT IS TO MAKE SURE THAT BODY IS DEAD. First time I watched this movie, I knew 100% that I would beat the shit out of that dead guy. No trust.

anyway, if that doesn't work, mr jigsaw had really put together this extravagant, disgusting bathroom deathtrap and even decorated it with everything you'd ever find in a filthy roadside gas station camode. INCLUDING:

THE BACK OF THE TOILET TANK CAP. YEAH. 100% TOTALLY WITHIN REACH.

and it's clearly porcelain and heavy, and would probably even be able to crush his fucking skull if I were to make it. Even if not, that has to startle the bitch and then his jig is saw-ed. even if I wasn't the guy over there, with a little convincing, I'm sure I could get him to do it for me.

but what if I'm the guy on the other side? what if mr jigsaw knew how violent and unstable I am?

those pipes are rusty as fuck and absolutely CAN and WILL come off the wall if I force it to. Then I'll have a stick to poke the body with and that'll be really fucking annoying for his old-ass arthritis-riddled bones, I'm sure. I mean, the reason he'd put me in there to begin with is because I'm an asshole and a general annoyance. I bet I could peel off those wall tiles and throw them at him like slices of cheese when I get bored. Honestly, he's really fucking dumb. I'd want to see if he had anything on him, too, so if I got my hands on his frail little man body, I'd strip him naked. He would no longer have clothes and his dick and balls would be out. How committed to the bit is this guy? hmm? probably not to that extent.

MY POINT IS. either way, his soft supple skull is either getting slammed with a rusted pipe or a toilet tank lid.

then what?? what if I fucking kill him? he's got that stupid little tumor in his brain and I'm about to bjonk him right on his underdeveloped soft spot. literally then what?? what happens when he's fucking dead??? NOTHING!! series over! everyone go home!!

BUT ANOTHER THING

GUN.

I know for a fucking fact I would Not Shoot that Other Guy, no matter fucking what. I would not be able to do it. I hate guns anyway and I'd freak the fuck out. I would sob and empty a round into the dead guy, even if it was one of those "shoot ur friend or die" I WOULD NOT!! So, if the other guy has the gun and decides to shoot me, I still win. bc I'll be dead probably. that's my solution to most bad situations anyway so like :/ maybe I'd shoot myself

and you see that man can get real close to that dead guy, but I think that's after he saws off his foot. idk I don't really want to rewatch it but I just keep thinking about it.

Now me and the other guy either starve to death or cut off our own feet at the ankles. either way, we win. this is before that mf has any interns to help his crazy ass. dumbass bitch. he doesn't account for people being so mentally unwell. in that position, it's I either kill myself or I dismember whatever's closest to me and that's the fucking body in the center of the floor. He really thought that was a good idea? DUMBASS.

thanks for coming to my ted talk <3

[mathieubellamont]

A kind of partial goodbye -

TLDR:

made a new account and probably won't be back on more than maybe once a year if that, thank you for everything

Long version:

Oh oof so. I've really needed to remake my tumblr for a while and due to some personal reasons I caved and did, expecting to be able to join this blog on my new account as a member, like with my art blog. I. Apparently cannot! Now I won't be permanently gone, I don't intend to abandon this account but.... I won't be logging in again unless it's to post on this account and, I'll be honest, two main reasons are going to make this supremely rare. A) I already only rarely post on this account lmfaO, and B) for a few months now I've actually been completely avoiding TES games. I've promised I'm not going to play any TES games other than oblivion, morrowind, and ESO because Skyrim (and Dragon Age, and I'm betting any money the next TES game which I shouldn't be buying) are really bad for my connection to reality - the catch is I don't play morrowind, lost interest in ESO, and my oblivion, love of my life, is just..... broken even when redownloaded from fresh. I literally can't play it physically. Which means I'm not going to have much of a use for this blog, am I.

I actually have had a TES aesthetics blog for a while now that's been a wip so I haven't shared, but it's really the only thing I can take with me to the new blog (I'm still not up for linking personals on this blog) so I'll still be around there - @lakeilinalta - but that'll probably be about it, if I continue using it

Dunno how long it'll be til I post again so, you know, sad as fuck I may not get to see this blogs decade anniversary in... Two years? One year? And again it's not a permanent absolute leaving Deleting Bye but.... This blog already was barely used so oof.

So, teveryone who's followed me since around the beginning or recently alike, hey, thank you! Running this blog was literally the most positive social media experience I have ever had bar maybe only my formative years growing up on deviantart, making art and stories with friends and sharing memes and staying up all night on call when I was a baby teenager a decade ago, which was fan-fuckin-tastic and, as I said, formative to my existence so that'll have to come first... But honestly my years here were formative too, and even with barely being on this blog it's followed me growing up into adulthood and yall are a bigger part of the experience of running it than I an it ever could be, so sincerely, thank you.

To everyone who's never gotten a reply from me/to everyone who was the last to reply in a conversation: I'm so sorry, I do that to literally every single person, not a single instance of this was ever personal - serious when I say not a single person, I know who's in there and..... Its never been personal. To everyone I used to be friends with/otherwise here and drifted from (or didn't bloody reply to LMFAO), yall are cool AF, stay funky, sorry I had to leave yall hanging but none of you ever did anything wrong so remember that

Hopefully I'll be on in my usual Every Few Months manner but I really can't guarantee it BC I changed blogs before I started this one way back when, thinking it'd be temporary, and never looked back so..... Yall stay safe out there. Thanks for being such a positive force in my life ✌️

[kim-ruzek]

Look who’s back, back again. Ree is back, telling my friends! Oh I’ve missed seeing you on my dash so much love. So, so much.

You want theories? I’ve got theories. I mean idk how realistic these are but I have THEORIES. So here, in no particular order.

Stella’s gonna be the one to get her and Kelly out of danger in Fire cause SHES OUR BAD ASS

Season 10 of PD is gonna be the season of Voight not giving a shit but also not willing to do something to harm everyone else and it’s gonna go sideways quickly

If we don’t have Burzek at least platonically living together in The House by like 10x10 I will be surprised. But also 10x14 is 200 so that’ll be Something.

And on a Burzekwater note if my babies don’t get to go for detective after that drug bust I WILL FIGHT. I know Adam didn’t want to in the past so if he says he doesn’t want to cool but LET KIM AND KEVIN HAVE THEIR PROMOTIONS

That’s everything off the top of my head but ugh it’s so good to see you 💙💙💙💙💙💙

Been back for only a few hours and already you're making me smile with an ask I've missed this 💕

Oh for SURE I completely agree! And I am so ready for it!

I'll be interested to see if this happens, because I'm actually thinking that Voight might go in the opposite direction. Like I definitely think something will have broken in him and that he doesn't give a shit, but in a more broken way? But idk if that's because that's something I'd rather see then me reading the character right

Oh we better fucking do! I have so many Thoughts and wants about this and how it should happen but I'm trying not to engage my burzek heart too much because I don't wanna cause problems for myself again. And I didn't know which episode number would be #200 but I had in my mind that's the episode number I want burzek to get back together in but I had it in my mind #200 was episode five and I was like damn that'll probably be too early in the season for that but now I've got my clown face on... (Although would not mind getting it earlier than that lol). But I should probably not try and think that too much, because #200 is most definitely gonna be about Voight's future and the ramifications and effects of her death.

YES EXACTLY!!!! Like so I was watching criminal minds right before I caught up with pd and i know it's not technically logical bc they're agents and burzekwater should be detectives but it gave me such whiplash when they referred to themselves as officer bc after that it just didn't seem right? And YEAH as soon as they did that bust, I was like, this HAS to be the thing that gets them promoted. Like unless they physically turn down being detectives after everything there's literally NO reason they shouldn't be now more than ever because it's literally the biggest bust. And if they don't that just really shows how little the show truly cares about them (and I'll honestly be shocked bc Gwen really is making this show so much better so I can't see her dropping this).

But ngl it'll be also kinda funny if they do get promoted, bc once Marina joked in an interview that it'll probably be in season ten that Kim finally becomes a detective.

But yeah, honestly, a big part of me is hoping that'll be the opening scene of 10x01 bc I'll make a good start, especially bc from that they can very easily transition into what's everyone up to. But yet again trying not to get ahead of myself bc I have so many Thoughts about how everything should go (esp burzek related) and I don't want to play that around in my mind too much bc I'll be inevitably disappointed by the actual thing then.

And about Adam not wanting to be-- I mean yeah at the very least burgwater should be, but also Adam's opinion very much comes from growing up around his father and being taught to be proud to be an officer. So him getting promoted would really truly mark a growth in Adam and mark how much he's grown; not that you shouldn't be proud to be an officer, but that he's putting pride in himself and his well deserved badge, and recognising he's done amazing work and that he really has grown and evolved from his childhood-- that he's a father and a good one and able and ready to have an adult relationship.

Anyway! Gonna quit rambling now before I go too into my feels!!! It's good to be back and thank you for this!!

[damejanai]

Dameraji

2020.12.16

S: It's here

K: It has come

S: It's here. And did you know? Around the world now, there have been monoliths sighted?

K: As expected huh

S: And? The first one was in America or something, Utah huh?

K: Hmm

S: And then in Romania, Holand, and England

K: Those are the things that appear, disappear, and then appear somewhere else right?

S: Yeah, what, are they?

K: That, was me

S: Eh? You?

K: That was me

S: That was your, YouTube project?

K: That was for promotion

S: HAHAHAA Well well if you think about it sensibly it's probably it right

K: It's promotion for outer space

S: Ahhh for outer space. If people are behind it, it's probably not just one person right

K: Well yes, it's controlled by organisation by me

S: Hehehe, for you

K: HHAHAA

S: You are quick to reveal it then, if that's the case

K: I thought it was quite about time i reveal the information

S: This is, unexpectedly, my friends from university were also going on about it

K: Oh i see, they were helping to promote it?

S: Eh? You're still continuing that? Ahahaha

K: Coz, you casually brought the topic away, so i didn't know how long should i continue this

S: You know I like occult stuff, and many things happened in 2020 so, i was thinking, what, at the very last part there's something this mysterious happening too?

K: Me too, you know what shocked me most about this monolith talk was that, Yasumoto san was here before our recording, and I was talking to him. We talked about Hosoya san

S: Right

K: and how he is in ascension now. Of course he loves occult stuff and.... what? myths

S: Uh huh, yes

K: And Yasumoto san said, "Isn't Soma getting into that phase soon too?"

S: Hahhaa

K: We were talking about that and here you have it

S: HAHAHAA

K: I thought, whoa as expected you talked about Monoliths

S: First ascension after a few years break. But truthfully, like at one of the previous Damerajis, I said, "Ahh i feel like I'm going to go through ascension again". And honestly I think our moods for these few episodes were weird. Weren't we in rather high spirits?

K: Really?

S: Yeah so, it is starting

K: Just as expected huh

S: It's baddd eh?

K: We'll be going over together

S: You know it's the age where we can share our brains so

K: I know right, our databases are connected, by 5G

S: Totally....Can, we start?

K: Shall we

S: Saito Soma

K: Ishikawa Kaito's

S/K: Damejanai Radio

----

"in bloom"

S: We're gonna play one song later so it's not a bad radio

K: WooHOOOO Wowoowowow

S: You're reacting like that?

K: Hahhahaa

S: I've never even seen that on TV

K: Really? But isn't it common in anime?

S: No!

K: DoHYAAA!

S: What is that?

K: Album's out next week, DoHYAAAAA

S: AHHHH Ohooooi!

K: Such a happy thing~ happy~

S: So one song will be played here~

K: Come on if it isn't played here, where else would it be played?

S: Right? Dameraji has really been promoting it a lot for me

K: Amazing right

S: More than me promoting it myself

K: If i knew Dameraji was promoting this much I would think about it more.... Well I'll only THINK but that doesn't necessary convert into actions~~~ ahhaa So today we will be playing a song, and hearing some insights... but for the song, it won't be available in the archives

S: Yes, just that

K: So please just enjoy the insights

S: Yes~~

K: Only today guys~~ that you will be hearing the insights of the song while listening to it~

S: Well I've not really talked a lot about the songs.... well I have in interviews but in my own natural voice

K: Natural voice...

S: That doesn't mean anything... really.. it hasn't started (ascension)

K: Monoliths and natural voice....

S: HAHAHAA

---

~"Carpool"~

S: Ah yes, thank you, many have mentioned that, No Licence Driving

K: That's true right?

S: No no, all I did was sit in the driver's seat

K: Uh huh uh huh

S: I wasn't driving

K: But you know, those with no licence have no right to sit there

S: I was properly sitting in the driver's seat, not driving, but reading a book

K: Hahhahaha

S: Very properly

K: Seriously?

S: Uh huhhh. But this MV has been released and I've received quite a lot of comments.... many were saying that, " Isn't this a song about Kaito kun?"

K: Ohhhhh

S: I want to say it loud and clear, NO

K: Oh it's not a song from my point of view?

S: No no no, totally not

K: Hmmm

S: One thing was that, when i was writing the lyrics, i was thinking that i wouldn't like it but people might think that way

K: Don't say you wouldn't like it

S: wwwww

K: Whatever happened to the things you said last last episode?

S: www Well but you know, whenever i write songs, i don't really want to decide what kind of song it is about, and would like it to be interpreted differently

K: True

S: This "carpool" to me, is about youth. But it may be youth in your teens, or youth like us, before 30

K: Ho ho ho

S: So i think that hearing that the theme is "youth", you could still have different ways of interpreting it

K: Makes me want to hear the different interpretations

S: Yeah yeah yeah, at this point, it has one chorus and a little bit of the second part. But if you listen to the second part of the song, you'll probably think of it differently

K: Ohhhhh

S: Yes yes

K: That's interesting, so afterwards when we're not on air, you'll be telling me, "Actually I wrote it with this meaning in mind" (soma voice)

S: What, me secretly telling you stuff, sounds like that?

K: Huh?

S: No no

K: You don't realise it?

S: Nooo, "I wrote it with this meaning in mind"

K: "You know, I don't know how many people will get it though"

S: Don't do that your hair like that

K: That's what you do

S: That's true i tend to do that, well thank you, my album will be out next week

Song played: Carpool

K: I understand now, you know, when i was searching my name on Twitter, there were a lot of stuff that came up that made me go, "ah!"

S: Hahahaa, Like?

K: Isn't it about Kaito kun?

S: No

K: Ehhh!!

S: It's not a song about Ishikawa san

K: But you know, I don't mention it a lot but, my car is an open car, you know?

S: AHHAHAHAa..No.. STOPPP!! Doing what i'm good at

K: Screaming

S: STOPPPPP!

K: Ahhh that's when you really hate it, when your life's at stake

S: This song... when I wrote the song, the lyrics came to mind at the same time. It's true since I don't have a driver's licence, so the driver's seat is "your special spot"

K: Yes, my special spot

S: Hahaha! But if you listen to what comes after, the last chorus, you'll have a different interpretation of it

K: Don't tell me.. it's death?

S: Ohhhhhhh

K: Ohhhhh?

S: Kaito kun, how do you always know?

K: AHHAHHAA

S: It has begun huh

K: Right? Ahhh... is that it.... is that it...

S: That'll become like Kaito kun dies

K: So I actually recorded all of this before I died

S: You're a hologram? ( O.o! Just like one of the Mangas that Soma recommended on his daily recommendations)

K: I was told to record myself talking as if i was talking to Soma san

S: If that's the case then our conversations complement so well. Well rather than dying, well, I welcome everyone to have different interpretations but it's like singing about something you lost

K: Uh huh uh huh, I see

S: But youth, like what i mentioned earlier, at our age, we're still continuing to be youths but in a different form

K: I see

S: There's something you lost, but there's also things that are continuing, it's just singing it from a unique point of view

K: In "Date", you also went to the sea right

S: wwwww Right? I personally don't go to the beach at all

K: Because you get all sticky , you said

S: So, am I really going to the beach?

K: Oooooh

S: Well well, you can interpret it in many ways

K: This is scary....

S: Rightt www

~Dameraji Photo Studio~

Pose like a present box

Guests next week:

Nakajima Yoshiki

Sakakihara Yuki

81!