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paulinet · 3 months ago

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Would you consider making a continuation to your headcanons about MedPoc having a feelings for someone? Perhaps with how they'd "confess" (if they would ever outright tell y/n 😪) along with how Medicine Pocket would act in a relationship :3

Retribution shot

Part 1; part 2.

Warning: comfort, evasion, nervousness, profanity, denial/hurt, ooc Medicine Pocket, ooc X, relatively gn reader, Medicine Pocket - they/them.

Synopsis: the realization of unplanned feelings is followed by acceptance, and then... And recognition. Also unplanned.

Word count: 2000≈

From the author: it was complicated. No kidding. Medicine Pocket is kind of like that "guess what I'll throw out" type of character. I have at least more than 3 ideas lying around for the gn reader, including headcanons about how Medicine Pocket would behave in a relationship, so that's not all.

I'm trying in gn reader, but it's very difficult for me, so I'm sorry if sometimes the strong bias will be towards the feminine. It's easier for me. I will most likely lean into a female reader in future writings.

I also don't know how to write dialog. I'm a tired, but it came out well. I'd publish a sequel anyway.

English not my first language!

Enjoy reading!

Chances are, you won't even know they're confessing their love to you, because they're not.

They do it in such an indirect and aloof way that you might think you are a little less annoying to them than others. But there's nothing wrong with that, after all Doggo aren't savages (only to their own people) and they have friends, so it's hard to draw any conclusions here.

Actions aimed at least some outpouring of feelings for you are chaotic and indirect. They withdraw and spend a lot of time working, or they spend almost all of their free time trying to have a moment with you.

It's hard to understand the line of thinking.

When Medicine Pocket emotions run high, they swear more. Their vocabulary is vast, but it slips more often when they feel they're at their limit.

But they're rude in a way that seems so much gentler. As a joke, you know? That's the first thing you notice.

"Medicine Pocket, you okay? Your flask is smoking."

"I fucking see. That's the way it's supposed to be, it's just overdosed on goddamn copper."

"...The bottom's cracking."

"Why, you wanna hold it? I doubt your delicate hands can handle-."

"Watch out!"

All their actions are very "invisible" to them, to you, to others, but the most attentive will notice that something is wrong. For example, X. (Yes, I also believe that he will be indirectly involved in this).

For X, it would be like another Goldberg machine, only more complicated. And that's what he wants to see!

How Medicine Pocket do a bunch of different things, like tell you more about yourself or share new discoveries, just to come to a simple and open action and tell you "I love you".

Well, and the Laplace is very boring lately, so the boy is looking for something to amuse himself.

"Medicine Pocket, are you planning to call y/n over and go get those Laplace-derived biological materials together?"

"Who cares? It takes two minutes to get them, why do I need y/n?"

"That's very good to hear, because I've asked them to help with my new experiment at this time."

"... So?"

"Thought it would be really nice if they helped me more often."

"And have you tried helping them with their work? Like they have time for you."

"Oh, do you know their schedules so good?"

"What the fuck are you getting at? It's not that secret, even kids can memorize it."

"That's great. So my conclusions are correct. I know everything, Medicine Pocket."

"What do you know? That you're an idiot for asking such questions?"

"I've known everything for a long time, Medicine Pocket."

"..."

"... You little asshole."

It's over. This is crossing all boundaries. Medicine mind blows and they brain starts brainstorming, and that's only just X. And the researcher could imagine how ambiguous he'd be talking to you about it. Not just you.

Why do they need everyone around them to know about their crush but you?

Now they are backed into a corner and left with no signposts to choose from, only one single choice: confess. And they stubbornly hit the "re-save" or "exit" button. Because confession was not in their immediate future. AT ALL.

After this conversation with X, they have a panic attack, though they won't admit it. They keep working, but it's more as if they're looking through their fingers and making monotonous motions. And that pisses them off, too. And the best solution comes to mind - get away from work to get some fresh air. Somewhere to let out the energy and just calm down.

Even as they walk through Laplace's corridors, their thoughts do not let them go. The dominant thought is of anger at X. Should he have pushed them to the edge of the cliff?

Confess? That's... That's not part of they plan. You don't make fantastic gestures to them about how much you love them and want to go out with them. Why should they have to do absolutely everything to win this relationship? Isn't 50/50 usually what a relationship needs?.. Or are they confused about something?

They are hopeless in a relationship because there was no relationship.

But... keep quiet? Keep quiet, pretend the conversation with X didn't happen, pretend he doesn't know about Pocket feelings, and go on with life as usual? X is their friend, of course, and not a rat or a bastard who would interfere in any of this, but they're sure he'll sniff out the information discreetly out of curiosity. Do they need more trouble?

So they just go to their training field where they can shamelessly blow off steam and engage in various activities: running, jumping, biting toys, etc. It doesn't take long really, and behold - they're already on the edge of their spirit. They've really let it all out.

Their carcass fall to the ground with a clatter, Medicine breathe loudly and sprawls in a starfish pose on the sand. At least their head are clean now, and they can close their eyes and lie in the dust, dirt, and tiredness.

If it worked that way.

"Medicine Pocket?"

When your voice, loud enough, reaches their ears, the thought occurs that they are imagining it. Oh, come on, it's not true.

"Sleeping? X said you haven't been feeling well lately," you continue, not even realizing what is going on in someone else's head right now. The researchers aren't ready to meet you right now. They can imagine them ghosting you away with whatever they can, like a pesky butterfly you don't really want to chase off.

Just when they think things have normalized, your presence turns everything upside down. They feel bad and good all at once. Bad - because X is an asshole for sending you here, and good - because you came and worrying about them.

So the explorers decide to pretend to be asleep. No, they don't have the strength or courage to confess right now (as if they would). And guess what, they'd rather have a heart attack than get up and confess.

"Are you asleep already? You don't usually get tired that fast," you sit down next to them, or rather behind their heads, so that you can see their lithe bodies upside down. Even in dust, dirt and sweat, they are still attractive. Is it possible to be like that? Maybe it's just that the sun is too bright today and the wind is so cool that it makes your hands shiver?

You reach for their blond hair. Slightly damp with sweat, still soft. There's a type of person who grows gorgeous hair even without maintenance, while others spend half their paycheck on it and still get straw. Whether it's side effects from all those drugs and medications they're experiencing on themselves is unknown. You comb they quiff lightly with your hand and pass it between your fingers.

Such a routine action for you and a heart attack for Medicine Pocket. Seriously, stop. If they die here on this earth from all this romance crap, it will be the most miserable death ever. Considering how often you've done it out of self-interest lately.

And despite this, not a single muscle in their bodies moved.

"X sent me to follow you and get some fresh air. So I pushed things back for another half hour. Or an hour," they're almost ready to smile. You always make time for them, and they are so happy! But the mention of X neutralizes that happiness by wanting to bite him off something so he doesn't stick his nose in other people's businesses.

"You need more rest. The bags under your eyes look like you haven't slept in decades," for days on end, they are distracted by everything they can to avoid thinking about it all and arousing the suspicion of others. A very easy mission on the face of it, but to see the details, you have to hold the microscope close.

You remain silent for a while, before considering what to do next. If Medicine Pocket are asleep, you don't want to wake them up right now, let them rest. Sitting here in silence is more than comfortable.

But things... You've put them off so many times already. You're a slacker.

Then...

Then you decide to take a bold step that you would never have allowed yourself if you hadn't been sure of your suspicions for the past couple of weeks. A little mischief, and you can hop off to work.

Medicine is breathing evenly, blood humming in they ears and the shadows above them blocking out the sun's rays. That combination knocks it down even more, especially the silence for a few minutes now. Will you leave? Will you stay? This is the only time they would prefer the first option.

And before they can come up with several escape plans, ranging from sudden sleepwalkers to death (after all, the situation was tense), they freeze and lose what remains of their composure.

Because they feel your hot lips on their cold forehead.

Just a few seconds. Those tiny seconds are enough time to rethink all the plans and throw them in the trash. Medicine opened her eyes in shock to see your calm face, which immediately becomes agitated.

You don't have time to pull away, clenched by your own shock, before they abruptly waking up, sit down, turn their whole bodies toward you, and grab you by the shoulders with gloves covered in dust and dirt. Not hard, but enough to hold you in place.

"Why you did it," their voices are clear and even, with a touch of hoarseness after the long silence.

"What? Medicine, you-"

"Why. You. Did it." more clearly now, loudly, but brokenly.

They freeze.

And they're looking right into your eyes with a kind of hope. The hope is that you did so not out of an impulse that they're cute or whatever, but out of an impulse of the same kind of crush. And while your shock wears off, their fingers dig into your shoulders. It doesn't hurt, but you feel every emotion that stuns their bodies.

They are simultaneously scared, excited, and hoping for a positive answer. They're really scared. Why the fuck would you make such a big deal out of nothing? What do you mean by that? That they're just cute and that's why you can kiss them on the forehead? That's bullshit.

Yes, this simple act breaks down all their already tenuous walls and makes them demand answers here and now.

Because then it might be too late. And when can they catch the moment?

The grip on your shoulders remains as strong as ever, and it's worth realizing that there's no escape. They won't let go without answers.

"..." you're silent, gazing into the yellow ripples in their eyes. Everything is purposely frozen, like in those romantic movies. How cliché, right?

You clench your hands, casually grab the fabric of your clothes, and inhale the cold air through your nose.

What else is there to say in that situation? Why deny it if the truth is going to come out one day anyway? Especially when you have felt and seen that you are not a "friend" to them for quite some time. And the instant reaction to such a small gesture makes the situation weird, if not confirming.

"I love you."

And you both don't say a word. That's the first time you've ever seen that look on Medicine Pocket face.

Shocked. Inspired, stunned by your words, as if you were someone intangible, they continued to squeeze your shoulders with their fingers. Their mouth opened slightly, and they abruptly took a deep breath.

"You really mean it."

"Who says words like that for nothing?" you say on automatic, frowning slightly.

Medicine Pocket can hear their heart beating. The way it thumps against their chest and pumps blood painfully, as if they've been having heart trouble for a long time. The fatigue is so damn strong for some reason, the muscles are breaking a little. The sweat made the explorer freeze, the wind enveloping the unprotected areas of their bodies with clothing.

"Damn it, you're serious," they lower their heads and take a steadying breath. Their voice is tired, and so hoarse, like they have a chronic cough and haven't been treated for a long time. How annoying is this condition.

They're happy. Excited.

You look at the reaction to the confession with confusion, and you don't know how to interpret it. Do their feelings for you have nothing to do with what you've been noticing? Are you wrong? Or are they nonetheless...

"If you don't feel anything in return, it's okay-" you began, but Pocket raised his head in surprise and interrupted you.

"You're nothing... Oh, you.... You'd know how much I've been through!" Medicine Pocket huffed loudly, gritting his teeth and shaking his head.

Their brows furrowed, their yellow eyes burning in venomous fire, they pressed their lips together. I swear you're looking at a resentful, betrayed puppy. The only thing missing was the drooping ears and tail.

"You're not lying?"

"Do you think it's my hobby to trick people into feeling that way?"

"That's not what I meant."

"I know. I love you. Really."

You say the coveted phrase again, more insistently. You need to know what Medicine Pocket thinks about it. Let them move their tongue instead of sitting around accusing you of something.

Now the researcher are sulking.

They're finally taking a desperate step or they'll go crazy.

Their hands, like a silk ribbon, move weightlessly and lightly to your cheeks. They dusty and dry dirt, cold but gentle. Their fingers sweep strands of your hair away from your face and yield forward slightly to your surprised gaze.

And their lips gently touch yours.

Ineptly, apparently for the first time, they savor your lips, not caring at all how bad they look from the outside. Their hands squeeze your warming cheeks, keeping your head back and guiding you closer to them. How lucky it is that no one can see this right now.

And their heart is beating an even faster rhythm.

You place your palms on their wrists, hold them, and pull away with difficulty for a deep sigh. Medicine Pocket open their eyes and stare at you with rapt attention, not even thinking about letting go.

And they kiss you again, more freely and without thinking, not shy and looking directly into your eyes. They move closer, take a deep breath.

And kiss again.

And another. And more.

Until the kisses turn to joy, to simply pressing their face against yours. The excited smile doesn't leave their faces, and soon you're laughing in their wake, falling lightly to the dusty, dry ground.

"All right, all right, that's enough for the first time!" you accept defeat and just press your forehead against theirs as they put their arms around the your neck and throw half their body over you. Medicine look at you blankly, in one spot, and don't stop smiling.

They worried too much. How foolish. All their thoughts confirmed, all the irrefutable evidence in front of them. Isn't that a blessing?

"There was no stop command, darling," Medicine said with a toothy grin.

"Now I have to re-train you? Isn't that too much you to ask now?" typical socializing with them in such a joyous setting.

"Enough to get back at you for all the times I've suffered," they whined, and dramatically closed their eyes and put a hand to their still aching hearts. It's calmed down a little, but put your hand to their chest and you can tell without a doctor's examination that it's fast to the point of insanity.

You laugh, placing your hands on their shoulders. They're finally relaxed. You could even see from afar, as you walked, that they were tense even in their "sleep."

"I was expecting something more romantic," you admit, though deep down you realize that biochemist and romance go down completely different paths.

"Mm-hmm, yeah? And what's that? Dinner on the Eiffel Tower and a moonlit confession?" Medicine Pocket makes theyself comfortable, resting their chin on your shoulder. You could swear there's a tail behind their lab coat.

"Well, certainly not in the dirt and dust."

"This is my typical habitat, you'll have to put up with it. It'll be easy. You love me, don't you?"

"Yes?" you're ordering eyes, but decide to take the initiative and kiss them briefly on the corner of the lips. "I don't hide it."

HOW HARD IT WAS- ahem. It's really hard to write something like that to be honest, I don't want to be trite. I also pay a lot of attention to detail, so if there's anything that's overly focused on, that's my bzz.

I've enjoyed working on this. I'll try to write something else once I've digested everything above.

Dividers by @cafekitsune

Thanks for reading!

#medicine pocket x reader #reverse 1999 x reader #medicine pocket reverse 1999 #medicine pocket #reverse 1999 #x reader

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pendulouspuppyudders · 1 month ago

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Hello! On the post about co-opt’ed transfemme culture, you tagged that your wife is the creator/at least related to the origins of force masc? Could you speak more on that? I’m genuinely curious and would love to see past the catchy slogan posters and 2014 bloody knuckle photo collage that seem to dominate the tag today

well i can say a little but i know @dragonstailbutch would love to express xer original intention and thoughts on it. to my knowledge it was a somewhat joking name given to a type of post xe made which focused on the complicated and often shamed relationship butch transfems have with masculinity. i really liked it even though im femme because i love transfem butches and there being a mirror within the range of forcefem that covers a trans butch experience is a beautiful niche. forcefem focuses hard on the femininity and display of it which is integral to it but original forcemasc was trying to help girls who might resonate with that less (eg. being butch/gnc) but still need that push into transfemininity. i think what it is now is just not at all close to what xe started and so much of that is because it's a bunch of transmascs trying to emulate cis masculinity for themselves which has no grimy guts of feeling to actually dig into, and i think that is what a lot of people post about when they rag on it but i make sure to mention my wife and its origins every time i can because the story of co-opting transfem butchness and folding it into patriarchal masculinity is one that mirrors so many other instances of transfem ideas and culture being co-opted in the same way, plus i love my wife and xer work and xe deserves credit for making something so beautiful even if it was turned into something so milquetoast

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velvetvexations · 1 month ago

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Like with building up the courage to identify as male, it is a small accomplishment that I'm now going to openly start referring to myself as a sissy, and I feel like sissy male really completes the picture.

The clothes in my #priss fits tag are not what a lot of people who've been close with me for years would necessarily associate with me, at least system-wide. A few years ago I realized I was a system and immediately one of us knew he wanted to be seen as a male in loudly feminine clothing, and associated hard with words like faggot, fairy, and poof. It was the first time I ever really considered fashion that much at all. Before that I would always go for a minimalist look, to the point of buying multiple plain black shirts and skirts, and anything I wanted beyond that was still very simple, like adding a shirt with red and black emo stripes without even accessories. That's also still a good look I like a lot, but I began to consider more than that for the first time, and it was very new to me.

That would slowly develop into connecting more and more with sissy clothing. I was already familiar with them through forcefem, but they never appealed to me beyond that and even within a kink context I never got elaborate with it or gave it much thought. It's kinna become a lowkey fixation and in the past couple of months has progressed to the point of really distressing dysphoria.

Our genders as a system are a complicated web and beyond the scope of this post, but sissy outfits have totally taken over what I want to wear, and while it's mainly the one with the fashion sense these feelings are centered in, the two of us who wouldn't ever use 'sissy male' to describe themselves are an agender person that delights in flying under the radar, and a woman who identifies as cis and feels completely disconnected from the body enough that she typically lets the rest of us do whatever we want. For that reason, I feel like sissy male is best suited for the short but precise answer to being asked my gender identity.

'Woman' and 'trans woman' still suffice for the less precise but socially convenient short answer, and I do consider myself those things too, but my views on womanhood are different from most and I think that without further elaboration to think of me as just a woman or trans woman pigeonhole me. Again, I am a woman, I am a trans woman, and you can call me a woman as much as you like in conversation with others because 'sissy' is very niche and most people who do recognize it are even a little put off because of the association with kink.

And they wouldn't be entirely wrong to associate it with kink, either, because there is very little of myself that is not a little sexually weird. Just as I believe in and push for people in alternative relationships like BDSM to be accepted because that's also a lot of how I experience attraction and love, I'm a freakish parody of womanhood, and that being hot doesn't make it less true.

BTW, you don't have to color the words lol, but it's the most 100% hyper-faithful way of rendering my gender! One of us has a name with a symbol in it, more communication should take advantage of technology that allows us to easily say things with more than sound.

#vexatious

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hearthouses · 2 months ago

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happy wincest thursday, heather!! what are your thoughts on dean and gender, especially in his relationship with sam?

Dean’s relationship with his gender identity is complicated! Personally, I’m not sure how much he can untangle from things he’s internalized throughout his life, so a lot of this is conjecture, my personal feelings and thoughts from things in canon that I’ve gathered up like breadcrumbs and created a pattern of.

I think Dean exists somewhere on the nonbinary/genderfluid spectrum, but I also really love and respect transfem Dean headcanons and would love to read more fics exploring that, though it is not my personal headcanon. For me, I think Dean is a character who exists between spaces, in the middle, one foot in one world and one foot in another, so I am more drawn to the idea that he can never actually settle completely, so he remains beyond the binary. I don’t think he ever labels himself and he never really feels the need to transition in any way in his daily life, but he’s very drawn to wanting to dress up in dresses, in lingerie, do his makeup and roleplay.

Dean has always been drawn to feminine things, starting in puberty and especially when he began hanging around with girls and being invited into their bedrooms and he got to look at their things. He probably thought, at first, that he was interested because it was like a foreign world to his own world and he just wanted to know more, but over time and through experimenting, he realizes it is a much bigger deal than he initially thought. Beyond his experience with Rhonda and her panties, Dean has felt more comfortable expressing himself like this with women, especially around his teen years and early 20s because his girlfriends thought it was fun to put makeup on him and let him wear their clothes, and he felt a certain sense of safety around them that isn’t reciprocated with men.

Men have either looked at Dean through an objectifying lens or have seen him as too weak, too girlish because of his looks, which has driven him to prove them wrong and present this tougher exterior as he traverses the world he lives in. He allows feminization dirty talk in hookups or during sex work, but on some level it doesn’t feel affirming, but rather denigrating. He allows it because on some level, he likes it, but the encounters leave him shaken up and prey more on his self-esteem that sometimes it borders on self harm.

But Sam finding out creates this dichotomy of safety but also fear—that Sam will look down on him, see him as lesser, see him as a freak. Depending on when Sam finds out and how, it can be bad at first. Sam finding out in a pre-series era when they’re together would lead to a misunderstanding that Dean was holding onto trophies from hookups and Sam would be fuming and jealous, forcing Dean to explain, but it allows Sam to redeem himself and I think finding out then allows Dean to explore more when he’s younger because Sam would encourage him, steal dresses and lingerie and makeup for him, and they would do weird, fucked up housewife Dean roleplay when John isn’t around.

I personally prefer Sam slowly putting the pieces together through clues he picks up, like finding panties in Dean’s duffle bag or trying out different things in bed, pushing on buttons and seeing how Dean reacts. I don’t think Sam is the type to sit him down and explain his gender identity to him, and frankly, I find that condescending and weird, but I do think Sam probably reads and devises plans and scenarios to give Dean room to play. I like the idea of Sam in the bunker era buying him little presents and setting up scenes to roleplay in, which slowly allows Dean to open up and talk about it and give him space to define it for himself. I don’t think Dean can ever make himself present differently in terms of gender outside of kink with Sam, but I think that gives him enough space to just be and it is more than he had before that.

#alaynestone #replies!#wincest #sam x dean #dean x sam #samdean #deansam #wincest wednesday #dean and gender #not as long as i thought it would be but i think it am holding back stuff for my fic

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gffa · 11 months ago

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One of the biggest hurdles with the Lockwood and Co. books is that they're set entirely from Lucy Carlyle's point of view and there is a whole lot of body shaming that really set my teeth on edge when I first read it. Some of it is still just awful, but I've come around on that I can read a lot of it as Lucy's unexamined issues from childhood rearing their heads in some nasty ways.

Her relationships with all the characters around her are contentious and full of conflict even just in her thoughts, she's so nasty to George, to Holly, to the Skull, to Kipps, to Barnes, etc. It most especially comes out with Holly (and Kat Godwin before her, then Flo Bones as well) and it's very easy to read Lucy as reacting badly to her own attraction to women, her envy of them and her inability to let herself be attracted to them, because she's closed off so tightly.

But it's also her relationship with the Skull, who she constantly argues with and says she hates, she has nothing but poison for it in her thoughts, but as soon as it goes missing, she's desperate to get it back.

It's also in her relationship with George, who she constantly nettles and thinks mean thoughts about, but it's obvious that she cares about him deeply and has grown to love him as a friend, even if she can't necessarily admit that to herself.

Her entire dynamic with Holly is centered around how feminine Holly is, how pretty she is, how Lucy just cannot stop thinking about how Holly dresses, how she does her hair, how soft her skin looks, how her little hand motions are so delicate and proper. And, yeah, some of it is envy and feeling insecure, that other people will like Holly more than her, but it's also just so much attention on all the little details that it comes off as unrealized physical attraction.

And then suddenly, I'm looking at all of the relationships Lucy has with people, where almost all the people she likes and respects are ones she's nasty to. Which clicked into place for me when she went back to visit her home town and was miserable there, the poor relationship she had with her family suddenly making so much sense in the way she rejects people before they can reject her, that she's so terrified of being vulnerable that she schools her thoughts and actions and words into prickly meanness so that she doesn't get hurt when they don't want her.

Lockwood is the exception to this, because he's the one who took all her nastiness and kept being mostly kind to her, he allowed a certain amount of vulnerability to himself and Lucy slowly started to come around on him and thought nicer of him. Sure, part of it is that she has feelings for him and so her thoughts are kinder, but I think it goes hand in hand with the way Lockwood is the one that never really sniped back at her or egged her on in any way, he started to feel safe to her, he started to feel secure to her.

And then she breaks his trust! She sneaks into the locked room to find out about his history, in a moment of anger and frustration, she breaks the thing that he asked them not to poke into, and she knows he would have every right to be angry enough at her to kick her out! But he's nice to her about it! He says, no, it was time to tell you guys about it anyway. He's open and vulnerable about something that she desperately feared rejection over!

Which is of course why her feelings reach a certain point and she has to acknowledge them, she can't deny them anymore, so the slightest push (the ghost wearing Lockwood's face, saying that she would do this to him, get him killed) has her running off from the agency and going independent, because she's terrified that she'll get Lockwood killed/terrified of actually stepping across that line into having feelings that could really hurt her if she's not accepted.

She's complicated and messy and I love her, she's a great character with a great, dynamic arc--but it does require reading into some of the more problematic elements of the character and taking a more generous view of them, even when I know much of the real answer is that the author probably didn't see the problem with the way he would have her describe characters (especially anyone that was overweight) and you have to find the mental line you're willing to walk with that. But if you're okay with wincing through some of the earliest stuff, I think there's a really cool Hot Mess Lady character waiting on the other side.

#lumi.txt #lockwood and co #lucy carlyle

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transfemme-shelterdog · 5 months ago

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hey i heard you were accepting personal stories from people who have experienced transandrophobia. i have some complicated experiences around my sexuality that intersect with TA while not exactly being TA so i hope it's okay to share those too. im horrible at being concise so my apologies for the essay 🥲

---

i have always known I was multisexual, but around 11-12, i learned that my attraction to everyone was actually queer (i thought it was the default and people just tended to pair up in m/f relationships to have kids. i was very lucky to avoid direct queerphobia as a child and form that viewpoint.) after learning this, i obviously became very invested in learning about my identity and other queer people and the struggles we face, and i immersed myself in the culture. i found the other queer kids in middle school, and spent a lot of time online learning about different identities.

it was wonderful to find people like me! but unfortunately, from the moment i stepped into these queer spaces as (someone who used to be a) woman, i was blasted with "all men are disgusting predators, wlw relationships are morally superior and lesbians are the most oppressed because they deny men access to their body, KAM lol, etc..." like, not even kidding, this shit was EVERYWHERE being blasted at top volume from the rooftops. I internalized it and repeated it because it felt cathartic- at the time i WAS a woman who liked women, so it included me, and felt great- like getting vengeance.

but i was still multisexual. i still liked men. i never really openly talked about my attraction to men- instead i did the usual "haha being bi/pan? attracted to every woman and two men amirite?" thing. but i discovered yaoi/mlm smut and got very into it in a non-cis way, the typical transmasc experience... but i convinced myself my attraction to men was purely sexual, and suppressed my romantic attraction to them. after all, in real life, "men are icky oppressive pigs! im pansexual, but i only feel romantic attraction to women! men are unlovable and only good for porn!"

i ended up dating a woman in high school. everyone assumed we were lesbians. we didn't often correct them. we were both pan, and talked about our attraction to men like cis men talk about women: objectifying them, commenting on their bodies, talking about how they were only good as fucktoys, and how they should learn their place and bottom for women (i was also really into femdom, tangentially related.)

then, i met actual trans people irl and online, and we became friends. they talked about how they felt about their gender and their dysphoria and i listened closely and.... oh no, that's relatable. the cracks in my egg started growing. but the last thing i could ever be was a man- "im a butch who likes queer femmes! not a nasty man who likes gender conforming feminine women!"

my journey out of the closet was severely stunted by the extremely prevalent hatred of men in queer spaces. i tiptoed out at a snails pace, terrified of my truth.

for a few years i said, "okay i can be a cistrans she/they nonbinary woman, and still be a butch that other wlw will feel safe around!"

another year goes by and.... "actually im just agender. i can reject the idea of manhood AND womanhood, im just a person. but but but! im deeefinitely a nonman i promise! you guys don't hate that i want to start testosterone right?" (they did.)

another year went by. "im nonbinary and transmasc but NOT a man, mayyybe a demiboy! i want HRT and top surgery but I would NEEEEVER want a penis! penises are disgusting weapons used to rape and hurt women, and i love women!"

it took me 5 fucking years of my transition to accept my binary manhood (alongside my nonbinary gender) because of this shit. and an additional few years to accept that I actually did want bottom surgery.

alongside that revelation and unpacking of my hatred of men came the realization that im not pansexual. i actually do have a slight sexual and romantic preference towards men, and i just like femmes of every gender. i started labeling myself as a bisexual faggot instead, and a label truly felt like home for the first time.

i also had to unpack the idea that loving women as a man isn't inherently oppressive. seeing representation of m/f love that isn't straight- or straight m/f that defies patriarchal heteronormativity- feels extremely affirming to the way i experience my queer attraction to women. (transmasc heterosexuals wya? i love you guys so much, and I feel so much solidarity with you ❤️)

throughout this entire painful journey towards my true self, so, so many queer women treated me like absolute shit. i had a cis lesbian friend who came onto me, and when i told her i wasn't a woman and wasn't interested, she responded, "what a waste. you make such a hot butch lesbian right now. why would you ruin yourself with T?"

multisexual women would shame me for not jumping into self-flagellation over my attraction to men. when i told them why, and the harm it caused me and how it made me mislabel myself for years, i was told that "it's better that you're bisexual instead of pansexual because you can have a preference for women! that's what we do!" when i told them i actually relabeled because i prefer men, and i am a trans man, i was told i'm not welcome in queer spaces because im "making our lesbian allies feel unsafe."

but then, even after being ostracized and forced out of queer spaces because im an "invader..." nonqueers would also harass and mock me. i get threats of corrective rape from misogynistic men to "fix me," and "turn me back into a normal pretty girl." when i express attraction towards men, they tell me that "i look like a man, and any guy that would fuck me is secretly a fag." when i express attraction towards women, im a "nasty predatory dyke trying to steal them away from men." surprise surprise, they don't actually see me as a woman or a man, but some freakish third thing that corrupts everyone around me.

i don't know how to end this. ever since coming to terms with my manhood, my desire to be masculine, and my love of men, i have been treated worse and worse by nearly everyone. i don't feel like i belong anywhere, both because of my transmasculinity and my bisexuality.

i am so much happier with myself of course, and i feel truly satisfied with my identity now.... but it's been really hard. idk what people are talking about with masculinity always being rewarded. my experiences have been the exact fucking opposite.

#transandrophobia #ta testimony

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dewwshi · 4 months ago

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TRANSFEM DRIZZT MASTERPOST

breaking my usual “only art posts” rule on this blog to write a dissertation on a thought that has been on my mind since literally homeland. LISTEN. i'm gonna proselytize i’m honestly shocked i haven't seen anyone else say this before. i think drizzt do'urden is transfeminine coded, specifically trans lesbian coded. and i have EVIDENCE. (WALL OF TEXT UNDER CUT)

for the record i'm gonna use he/him pronouns for drizzt in this largely because that's what he uses in canon but i feel like he would for sure switch to she/her or something if he did transition. but i feel weird talking abt characters with pronouns other than canon ones

i'm transmasc so for transparency when i speak abt transfem experiences it's from what i have heard and learned from transfems and take all generalizations with a grain of salt blah blah blah nuance vanilla extract be normal please

also i'm currently only on spine of the world. i have no idea what happens in later parts of the series so my evidence is only from books i’ve read + be forgiving if you know smth i don't + try not to spoil too much thank you BUT ALSO I WANNA KNOW what people think on this sooo yea tell me :heart:

OKAY NOW after all those qualifiers. i'm sorting my evidence into a couple categories:

character evidence (about how being a girl would fit into drizzt’s narrative)

relationship evidence (about how drizzt’s relationships are enhanced by/contribute to his girlitude)

and miscellaneous meta stuff & wording evidence (aka wishful thinking)

CHARACTER/NARRATIVE EVIDENCE

firstly. we MUST discuss the backstory. the childhood trauma.

drizzt's primary backstory, i.e. his childhood in and abandonment of menzoberranzan society, places him in the position of someone who is “too soft” and “too weak” for their society and thus becomes ostracized and outcast. this is a REALLY transfem coded position to be in.

in our world transfem kids get ostracized for not being masculine enough and for being a “sissy.” the situation is obviously pretty different in matriarchal menzoberranzan (“girliness”/femininity is not considered a flaw there the way it is in prevailing attitudes in our world) but the parallel still holds

i'm sure everyone remembers the “you’re a dancer” scene. despite excelling in combat, drizzt (at least pre-melee-magthere) is considered too weak and soft for menzoberranzan even by zaknafein, again framing him as being (by surface standards) more traditionally "feminine" than the rest of menzo men

and YES "you're a dancer" is a complicated scene with a lot of emotional shit going on for both characters but my point is specifically that drizzt's alienation from his society REALLY resembles the alienation that a lot of transfem children experience

for the record he is also very autistic. 100% autistic i’m on that wagon all the way. just to put it on the table

but anyway the queer coding is extremely strong here. the other way you could read the “dancer” gncness drizzt exhibits is as gay coding (many of the same tropes and narratives apply to young gay boys as do to young transfems). i have a couple reasons i prefer the transfem reading though

gayness is not treated the same in menzo. bg3 confirms romantic relationships between women are standard fare in menzoberranzan; my hc is that the same is true among men

that's an explanation from the world's perspective though, not from a meta/writing perspective. to me drizzt's infatuation with women (We'll Get To That) makes him read more like a transbian than a gay man though

anyway back on topic. something the books (the ones i’ve read so far at least) don't really talk about but SHOULD is the relationship with gender (and women specifically) that drizzt would have been left with from his upbringing.

menzoberranzan culture holds that women are above men and that men are inherently worse. you can't just forget something like that after living in a place where that's simply a fact of life for 30 years. lots could be said on that and i think it must have had an effect on how drizzt views women

however to focus on the trans thing let's state the obvious: menzoberranzan gender roles are RIPE for transmisogyny. it’s a society of terfs. the gender roles are SO defined and SO exclusive that an assumed boy even trying on feminine clothing would probably get physically abused. not so different from parts of our world shrugs forever but for a different reason like i mentioned; it's not “girl shit is gross what are you, gay?” it's “how dare you, a filthy man, attempt to partake of womanhood, which you would sully with your very touch” AND AGAIN. THAT SOUNDS LIKE TERF RHETORIC DOESN'T IT?

i think drizzt would have been left with a deep-rooted sense of shame and self-consciousness about gender (as he was about basically all parts of his identity for the record) and i specifically think that a clear parallel can be drawn between those feelings and the transmisogynistic ideas common in our world, in particular the idea that trans women “steal/appropriate womanhood.” in menzoberranzan’s case the idea is more like that “womanhood is a privilege to which men (who are lesser) have no claim.”

drizzt seems to generally feel like he doesn't deserve to have things he wants, he doesn't deserve to be happy etc etc. and i think it would make peeeerfect sense for that to extend to gender. that he has to learn that he can and is allowed to express his gender freely

then there's the graduation ceremony.

in a journal entry in spine of the world drizzt says the reason he was so uncomfortable with the melee-magthere graduation ceremony was because 1. he didn't wanna do drugs and 2. because Casual Sex Is Bad And You Should Be In Love Before You Do Sex (he's so. repressed. beautiful stupid baby) and while i for sure think those ARE both PARTS of his discomfort, i think i have a bit of extra sauce to add.

consider: the graduation ceremony's purpose (in addition to being a fun light-hearted celebration by drow standards) is to enforce a specific social/sexual gender role onto the young graduates of melee-magthere (clearly the most desirable sexual partners for noble drow women).

that gender role is specifically placed in opposition to womanhood. there's matrons, and then there's patrons, just like the surface world has husbands and wives

i’m thinking that while drizzt is and is written as being HEAVILY attracted to women (again We Will Discuss This), “pretty lady's boytoy” isn't a gender role he's comfortable inhabiting, and so he felt reflexively bad being forced into it.

of course the social role of men in menzoberranzan isn't a nice position to be in even at the best of times but i don't think that was what was on his mind at the time!! what if part of the reason he was so instinctively against partaking was because he rejected the gendered social role placed on him in that moment, a reminder that melee-magthere, and the kind of warrior role he'd been trained for, is for boys alone?

leading from that. in siege of darkness drizzt imagines what catti-brie’s life would have been like in menzoberranzan if she was drow. consider how easily he chooses to imagine her going to melee-magthere instead of arach-tinilith even though the former is boys only. this is SOME kind of gender fuckery for sure. i'm thinking some part of him feels that melee-magthere (and the kind of combat training taught there, which drizzt excels at) isn’t or shouldn’t be for men exclusively. he enjoys being a warrior and he's good at it, but, for him, that warrior role is DISTINCT from a masculine gender, even though in menzoberranzan it wasn't distinct at all.

i find that drizzt being transfeminine boosts the hell out of all of his other “fuck you"s to menzoberranzan society

not only is he an insult to the way of lolth by rejecting it in favour of empathy, but he's going in the face of the entire gender system of menzoberranzan. just totally blasts it. i feel like it adds a whole new layer to his rejection of the lolthite way of life

of course that's an argument you could make of any queer reading of drizzt as a character but i feel like it hits hardest with SPECIFICALLY transfem drizzt. one brave tgirl's Exodus From Terflandia.

but even then when he does come to the surface, he finds himself alone and apart from society.

in the early books’ world there is no place in surface faerûn society for a drow, it is designed to exclude him the exact same way existing binary cisnormative gender structures are designed to exclude queer people.

drizzt has to start off on the complete fringes of society and then carve a place and home for himself with like-minded people who love him and who he loves. that's exactly what queer people have to do too. is leaving the underdark a metaphor for coming out??? i guess so.

CAN WE TALK about the shit with the mask of disguise in the halfling's gem? THAT SHIT IS TRANS AS HELL!!! again autism coding runs parallel hand in hand here but like.

“you have the choice to suppress who you are in order to fit into wider society. now will you do that, or will you live as someone visibly outside the norms? is it enough to know no matter what, you will still have your loved ones who accept you no matter who you turn out to be, to know that you will be happier if you let yourself express your true self?”

THAT'S THE QUEEREST SHIT EVER.

also drizzt's fixation on personal freedom makes a lot of sense (a lot more sense than it does as in-canon imho) if you read him as trans. in menzoberranzan he would never have had the freedom to do with his body and presentation what he wants.

being able to be the person he wants to be seems to be a central concern in his mind, for himself. he doesn't just have an “i don't want to kill and torture people” objection to menzo culture, but an “i want to be able to choose the life and identity that i want for myself” objection

as it stands in canon the reason why he's so fixated on this isn't clear (so far at least). it makes more sense if he is transfem, and growing up in a system where he was actively prevented from pursuing his own tgirl happiness left him very invested in standing against that

on a meta level the “freedom is the most important thing ever” thing kinda is weird to me (it's very “can you tell the author is american”) BUT it becomes a lot BETTER if reinterpreted as “my old government wanted me dead for being transgender, so i think everyone can do whatever they want forever”

some of the general stuff about drizzt's queercoding in this section is pretty general but i veeery much think specifically transfem drizzt makes the most sense and adds the most to his character and story. and that's what the post is about. so yeah

RELATIONSHIP EVIDENCE

this section is abt drizzt's relationships! wahoo

1. CATTI-BRIE

ok so there’s a lot to say about catti-brie and why i consider their relationship a lesbian one and how i think drizzt's attraction to and love for women reads as extremely trans lesbian in nature.

bringing back that thing about shame from earlier. drizzt has, as he has in all things, a tendency to be ashamed of and suppress his own emotions in terms of romance.

the way he thinks about his attraction to catti-brie reads a lot like the way a transfem with a lot of internalized transmisogyny and lesbophobia might feel abt her attraction to women:

he acts guilty and embarrassed and tries to keep it a secret, to avoid talking about it, to avoid expressing his wants in any way at all

he's also afraid of being punished for it. think back to his stuff about women in menzo. he feels like he's not allowed to feel this way about women OR - HEAR ME OUT - HIMSELF. to me, a fear that he is encroaching on womanhood (both as a participant and as an enjoyer) is a very natural source for that shame

note that it’s specifically when she isn’t looking. ashamed!

drizzt in that excerpt assumes that bruenor would berate him even though he SHOULD KNOW bruenor trusts and likes him enough to fully give them his blessing. also drizzt blushes immediately after this and acts all flustered about it. ashamed!

in siege of darkness (during the "but for now, friends" scene) drizzt does tell catti that he’s in love with her- and follows it up immediately with “it’s no big deal, don’t even worry about it, i can totally just repress it forever if you’re not comfortable with it” (GUT WRENCHING SCENE THAT THREW ME OUT TO THE CURB BTW. AUGH). it's a COPE. he's terrified of being punished or rejected or ridiculed. i think all of those fears tie deeply and specifically into gender- his own, and hers too.

lesbian culture is known for a level of near-rhapsodic adoration for women and i see that in drizzt. the way he talks and thinks about catti-brie is insanely sapphic. basically every time he thinks about her he’s thinking shit like “god she’s the most beautiful and the best and i would die for her and there’s nobody in the world like her” this is truly a kind of infatuation lesbians are famous for.

are there men who think about women like this? yes of course. is it a cornerstone of wlw culture to a degree that casts even the most cisgender of those men as almost gender non-conforming? i would say yes.

he spends so much of this scene fawning over her that i don’t even know which parts of it to include

i could keep going but listen the point i’m trying to illustrate is that he’s fucking SMITTEN with her okay? and it's EVIDENCE he is a woman i swear to god this is facts and logic and makes sense THIS IS LESBIAN BEHAVIOUR!!!!

AND THE SLOW BURN. the slow burn is lesbian coded as well. wlw stories are LEGENDARY for the extended periods of mutual pining that they often feature. pining is basically a classic feature of lesbian romance.

catti-brie and drizzt spent SIX FUCKING YEARS on the sea sprite together in the time skip between siege of darkness and passage to dawn, the ENTIRETY of which drizzt spent HOPELESSLY IN LOVE with her, and they did NOTHING together. if pining was a song these motherfuckers would have gone triple platinum. and that? oh BABY, is it yuri to me

i could make a whole other post exclusively about a lesbian reading of catti-brie and her relationship with wulfgar being comphet. honestly i could make a lot of posts about catti-brie she's insanely interesting and i have SOOO many thoughts about her. but suffice it to say: i think she’s gay as hell

for the record you may be thinking “okay he’s just in love with catti that’s why he’s like that” true but he is also fascinated with and identifies himself with a lot of the women he meets on the surface. and of course there is The Guenhwyvar Thing

2. THE GUENHWYVAR THING

let's discuss The Guenhwyvar Thing

you guys remember the fucking poem from homeland? about how beautiful and incredible guen is? literally the first time i saw that i was like “this is the most tgirl shit i've ever seen.”

are you guys seeing this??? “you, girl panther, are how i feel inside, i wish i could be you for realsies." reflection from mulan core. on all levels except physical i am a giant female panther

the fact that drizzt is so utterly enamoured with, again, a Female magical panther reads as extremely transfem coded to me. i truly feel like guenhwyvar's gender is a core facet of why drizzt adores her so much.

drizzt's relationship with guenhwyvar is – and was from the beginning – a place where he could freely admire and relate to femininity without shame.

guen’s femininity (by virtue of its animalness and magicalness) is very different from the femininity of menzoberranzan’s matron mothers. drizzt grew up in with an exclusive and abusive femininity that left him as an outsider, always unable to partake of or even genuinely admire womanhood. but he always wanted to and, when he gets the chance, he does. HARD.

i maintain a headcanon that if drizzt were to play dnd with the companions of the hall, he would play a conspicuously female druid every single time and never explain why it had to be a woman. but i know. I Know Why it has to be a woman.

3. ARTEMIS

god the queer reading here is sooo potent. here's my thoughts

artemis and drizzt’s struggle (at least as far as i've read) is one of a person who pursues happiness even under the risk of being outcast or hurt by society, and a person who has suppressed the need for happiness to secure survival. this can be easily expanded to a queer context:

artemis is closeted or stealth, dismissive of his own queerness. he sees an out and proud drizzt, publically living as a queer person, pursuing queer happiness. (not that drizzt is actually out and proud as a tgirl BUT HE HAS THAT ENERGY! LIFE COULD BE DREAM)

in other words artemis sees drizzt living a life that he (artemis) subconsciously decided long ago was impossible, unattainable, something he had to give up to survive. a kind of life that he hates his own desire to have. he hates drizzt for being happy in a way he wants but has decided he cannot have and thus nobody should even try for. he envies him.

you may be thinking “that sounds a lot like the dynamic drizzt and artemis already have in canon” EXACTLY MOTHERFUCKER!!!!

i really enjoy transmasc artemis who's been stealth since age 10 but i'll admit i'm not as dedicated to that headcanon as i am to transfem drizzt. idk where he's getting that beard from. maybe the crime guilds of calimport have access to magic hrt

bet when you started reading this post you weren't expecting kalvin garrah artemis entreri

anyway the point is that artemis’ redemption arc is the journey from he/him transmasc to he/they transmasc. DOESN'T HE JUST HAVE HE/THEY ENERGY?

MISCELLANEOUS EVIDENCE

this section deals a few other little random things that don't mean much but boy do they add spice to my life

UNICORN SYMBOLISM. drizzt's ranger symbol is a unicorn. a symbol of mielikki of course but also perhaps the most feminine of all mythological creatures and he chose it specifically to represent himself as well. and as a ranger/ nature guardian drizzt occupies a very typically feminine role. like who speaks to animals often? disney princesses do. my girl drizzt is a disney princess deep in his heart and i know this to be true.

now last but not least these ones… these are clearly unintended from salvatore’s pov but i find them FASCINATING

supposed to be a reference to his age i think BUT STILL HOLY SHIT? HE SAYS THAT. DRIZZT HIMSELF OBJECTS TO BEING CALLED A MAN. I'M DOING A LITTLE HAPPY DANCE THIS IS THE GOLD STANDARD FOR TGIRL HEADCANON EVIDENCE

let’s parse this okay because it’s pretty weird and confusing wording. the hag says it is “not for any man; it’s for two and only two” and those two are catti-brie and drizzt, implying NEITHER of them is a man.

the second half conspicuously shifts from “man” to “male,” again avoiding calling drizzt a man and implying he may be male (biologically), but he ISN’T a man. it’s also kind of tacked on to the end, to single drizzt out. almost like the hag was like “shit they’re not going to figure out who the other not-man is so let me add this second thing to it”

and yes of course the author-intent reason it’s phrased like that probably has to do with the word “man” which is sometimes used in these books to mean “human” HOWEVER given that everyone there immediately assumed “no man” referred to catti-brie (who IS human but NOT a man in the gender sense) supports the reading that it does mean gender

IN CONCLUSION

i think drizzt do'urden is a tgirl. i’m just about 100% certain this was not RAS' intent but nonetheless i think a reading of drizzt as transfem based on the evidence present in the books both makes sense and adds a lot to his character AND the other characters AND the story and themes. basically he’s a girl. thanks for readingg

#i was gonna hold this rant in for a little longer but #i got like. a sudden urge to share my thoughts #and to maybe popularize this headcanon somewhat... if i can with my limited influence #and it was so intense i felt PHYSICALLY SICK i had to share my truth #even though this post is so long like... if you read all this you're a real one WEEPING #i couldn't keep it to myself i have to yap and yap and yap #if you read all of this i love you so much personally #i need converts i NEED someone else to Get It #i can't be alone in this look if my one contribution to this fandom is to get even like 2 people to share tgirl drizzt w me i'll be happy #i may add addendums to this post as i progress through the story if there's more evidence buuttt #to me this is already insanely well backed as far as trans headcanons imo #it's really the combo of things like. the womanlikerisms true combo with the transgenderisms to create Potent Transbian Miasma #lod #legend of drizzt #drizzt do'urden #not a drawing

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morphean42 · 4 months ago

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Love your takes king. Question: do you have any thoughts on Whizzer's backstory? Since there's no canon, I feel like I never see people talk about why he is the way he is, and I'd really like to hear your two cents on this.

Oh yes! I’ve had many thoughts, and my boyfriend @fortisseto has contributed lots of ideas about Whizzer’s life too.

-Whizzer’s mother was Jewish and his father catholic, and he was raised very catholic as his father didn’t approve of his wife’s Jewishness. This created a whole host of problems and also contributes to his insistence on being ‘Half-Jewish’

-Whizzer is in fact his real name. I don’t know why I say this but it is, he’s a little freak like that and I love him

-He’s bounced between living on his own and living with random ‘partners’ throughout his 20s. I say ‘partners’ because most men he’s dated have also been very non-monogamous

-He didn’t go to college because he didn’t have the money nor the desire (though, secretly, he wishes he had sometimes), but he got a nice-ish job at a small family photo business which he took over as manager when the owner retired

-(this comes directly from my boyfriend) He was raised outside of New York for a while, but around middle school his family hit financial difficulty and moved in with his maternal grandma in Brooklyn. This is when his fathers antisemitism got much worse

-He’s been in love twice before Marvin. The first time was a boy in high school who he was good friends with, but his father found out and tried to kick Whizzer out. His grandmother stoped this from happening, but only until he graduated, then he was forced to leave. The second time was shortly after he left home; he met a guy at a bar and they hit it off, but the guy ended up just using him as an easy way to get off. This is why he’s so afraid of commitment and his feelings, because love has always hurt him

-His father and him have no relationship at all, his grandmother doesn’t approve of his lifestyle and only let him stay in the house initially because she hoped to ‘fix him’. His mother is more complicated, because she loves him, but his father moved them both out of the state not long after Whizzer left and he hasn’t seen her since

-He has a younger sister who stayed in New York when their parents left, but he doesn’t talk with her either. They were never very close as kids, and he doesn’t think she approves of him— Trina reminds him of her, though

-While he’s never been a full on prostitute, he has slept with men for money a few times when he needed to, and he’s not unaware of his looks. Especially when he was very young he took advantage of that knowledge. That being said, at the beginning of the musical he’s definitely a bit older, and he’s become very insecure about not being the youngest and most attractive man in the bar

-It was never overtly obvious Whizzer was gay— as a kid he was pretty athletic and didn’t engage with most stereotypically feminine things. However, he did realize he was gay around the age of fifteen, and after he left home he started to embrace his identity more, not proudly yelling ‘I’m a homosexual’ everywhere he went but dressing in a way and talking in a way that said ‘yeah, I’m gay, do you have a problem with that?’

-He’s very proud of his martial arts skills, which he got from a ‘boyfriend’ of his when he was around 24

I probably have tons more ideas, but that’s it for now!

#falsettos #the marvin trilogy #in trousers #whizzer falsettos #whizzer brown #whizzvin #march of the falsettos #Falsettoland

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sunnysidesevenup · 6 months ago

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Little rant about Elio, Ali, and Tilly’s gender identity because it’s special to me <3

First off is Elio, who is a trans guy!! He never really talks about it, he transitioned years ago and since he’s a fae “years ago” means “before any humans I’m around now knew me” so it doesn’t get brought up a lot. I involve a lot of my fae headcanons in his gender identity as well, so even though he tends to have a more “feminine” appearance he very rarely gets misgendered. He’s very confident in who he is, and he views his past self pretty fondly. It’s simply not who he is anymore, and he’s sure the little girl from before would be very happy for him. I don’t talk about him being trans a lot simply because it’s not a very big deal to him, so I treat it how he would lol.

Next, Ali, who has a much more complicated relationship with gender. They HATE being put in tiny little boxes, hate people sticking to one set of pronouns for them, hate being forced into any sort of role. Her parents expect her to be an “upstanding young man” and are very outspoken about this, despite the fact that he’s literally never conformed to that at any point in her life.

She’s genderfluid, and tends to experience dysphoria pretty constantly for everything. He passes as a girl, but is dysphoric when he’s a guy, and is amab but is dysphoric when she’s a girl. Not only this, but when they get stuck in one gender identity for a long period of time they sometimes experience a weird sort of anxiety over it? I’m not sure how to explain this, but it’s like the feeling of one day a room being locked when usually you go in and out multiple times that day.

Next, Tilly! I consider Tilly non-binary but not under the trans umbrella, if that makes sense. Tilly’s thoughts on his gender are actually complete apathy. He was born amab so he considers himself a guy simply because it’s the most convenient. If he woke up one day and was suddenly biologically female then he would probably just switch to considering himself a woman simply because, again, it’s convenient 😭. He does not care even a LITTLE how he is perceived and is fine no matter what. Tilly is Tilly.

Anyways I just wanted to ramble a little 😭 reminder that not all trans ppl experience gender like this and everyone is different <3

#twst oc #twst original character #alistair cearbhaill oc #elio sonne oc #twst tilly oc #sunny’s yapping ☀️

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fadeling · 2 months ago

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helia week ✨ 01

hi. i will be answering about 5 questions from this post by @/thewardenisonthecase every day. yay! get to know my warden or else

🌻 ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ 🌻

1. What is the Warden's name? Does it have a meaning behind it? How do they feel about their name?

I got the name “Helia” from the scientific name for sunflowers (Helianthus) but I don't remember what led me to look there. Then I googled “Helia” to see if that was a real name and it is and apparently it’s the feminine form for Helios which makes a lot of sense but also probably means i might be pronouncing it wrong. (for the record i say it hey-li-a) Oh well…. She isn’t canonically named after the sun or anything, that’s just a nice coincidence considering the symbolism in dragon age. It’s probably just a name that runs in her family, maybe on her dad’s side

“Tabris” is from neon genesis evangelion and with this information combined her name could mean “The Revealed Sun” if you really wanted it to

She feels the normal emotions about her name. considers herself to identify with it :)

2. How would you describe the Warden's personality before and after the prologue? Did it change much or did they remain the same?

Honestly not very much. It feels really lame saying that but idk she just kind of Handles things because that’s how she survived growing up in the alienage with her soul intact. Your loved ones will die in brutal, terrible ways and you have to accept that. It won't be fair and it will be cruel and yet it will happen, and it could happen to you. Some people will harden themselves to their own grief and try to avoid it, but Cyrion taught her how to embrace it instead. Helia loves with her whole heart and grieves with it too, she refuses to ever let it destroy her or keep her away from connecting. She's also a little autistic which I think helps!

This is also feeds into how she manages to be self-sacrificing without having much of a complex about it. She doesn't have a death wish and doesn't desire for self-harm, but when she grows up in such a terrible place and clings onto what she has, she wants to be strong enough to fight for it. She's willing to die for the sake of protecting others and she always will be. I would say that the events of origins certainly test her though, and the choice regarding the landsmeet and the ritual were her more selfish moments. Her relationship with alistair certainly makes her more indulgent than she thought she could be

3. Prior to the prologue, who was the Warden's closest friend?

I hope her cousins count. Shianni is like a little sister to her, and she's often looking out for her and gently taking care of her and they're more likely to confide in each other than anyone else. She probably hung out with Soris more often just because he has a talent for challenging her, getting beat by her, and generally just getting them into trouble

4. Did the Warden have any romantic relationships before the game?

No I think her dad’s been telling her that he’s going to arrange her marriage since a young age and her reaction to that was just “oh okay so I don’t need to do it myself then. Thats cool.” So she simply never got into a mentality where she'd be interested in exploring romance. Also anyone who’s her age in the alienage are either her family, thinks she’s weird, are afraid of her, or dead

5. What are their thoughts on Duncan? How did they feel about his actions during the Joining?

Ummmm…. It’s complicated… When they met, she assumed Duncan was just some guy invading her territory so she politely told him to fuck off. When he declined he wasn’t even racist to her, which was nice and extremely rare, which led her to ease up and enter “ok fine I’ll just keep a stern eye on you then” mode. Then there’s the reveal he’s just a Grey Warden who knew her mom and just Happens to be around.

So there’s this kind of weird dynamic where she feels that he’s respectable and trustworthy and yet also deeply suspicious. His goals are noble, he speaks to her properly, he’s welcome in the alienage, but she recognizes a fellow rogue when she sees one and she’s VERY familiar with what it feels like to be a target. Duncan even congratulates her for being even-tempered with him. He’s probably the best human she’s ever met so far, but he still doesn’t view her as an equal. It’s just weird.

Then the whole “sorry i couldn’t help rescue you and the others for being kidnapped. Politics right? Lol. i let you have my sword though” thing happens and it definitely further sours her thoughts on him. It’s not an outright hate, but it reinforces their gap and since her life literally hinges on him now it’s not one she feels is wise to bridge. She doesn’t fear him, but she could never feel entirely safe with him either. The Ser Jory thing didn’t help.

Sometimes she thinks “Politics” was just his lame excuse to watch her pass some kind of test and implode her life so that she could be ripe pickings for the Wardens. She doesn’t know if she likes it better that way. She doesn’t know if he would be wrong if that were true. It’s just this solemn thing she carries with her.

Helia was sad when she found out he died. She didn’t wish that on him, and she did think his leadership was valuable. Then there was Alistair’s grief, and she saw a painting of a man she never got to fully know and hardly anything to offer the person hurting from it.

She’ll definitely always have him in the back of her mind, but probably more often as a cautionary tale. Maybe he’s right. She’d still never want to become someone like him.

#helia tabris

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tobiasdrake · 2 months ago

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How do you feel about the concept of patriotism?

Complicated.

One of the problems that we have as a society is a sort of... sports team loyalty to high concept structures of organizing people born out of a sense of indoctrinated inertia.

We're all born into certain categories. Race, sex, all that biological stuff. But we're also given a national identity, a religious affiliation, a cultural background. Maybe even a political party or economic philosophy. A white American Christian male child at six months old is white, American, Christian, and male. But he cannot possibly fathom what any of those things mean. He's been designated as those things but he has no relationship to any of them.

A parent might dress their child in shirts that say "GO WOKE GO BROKE" or "ACAB". But that kid doesn't know what that means. They're being used by a parent as a walking billboard. They just know that these are words that make their parent's friends smile and pat them on the head.

A lot of things are decided for a child before they're old enough to understand them. And as they grow into the identity their parents designated for them, sometimes they'll start to question those things and sometimes they won't. Or they'll question some things and not others.

And so with a lot of these categories, there's this broad disconnect. On the one side, you have people who clearly have developed a strong, personal connection with their particular identity. And then you have what amount to sports fans. "I root for the Cincinnati Bearcats because I was born in Cincinnati and they're our basketball team. Go Cincinnati Bearcats!"

And it's like that with every identity category. Some people have developed comprehensive philosophies on what masculinity, femininity, or being nonbinary personally means to them. And some are like, "Uh, my genitals say male."

Some people have a deep and complex relationship with their religion. And some people are just performing the rituals their parents taught them to perform because it's what you do when you're born into a certain culture. Some people have a reason to worship and some just never found a reason to stop.

That's behavior by inertia. It's when I believe or do something because my dad told me it was correct when I was 3 and I didn't really give it much thought afterward. It's just... become a base assumption of my worldview.

I am a person who has, over the course of my life, had to challenge a lot of base assumptions I didn't really think about for a long time.

And national identity is much the same. Like, you will rarely find someone that is more genuinely patriotic than an immigrant. Because that is someone who is in the country they are in on purpose. They made an active choice to say, "This is the country I want to be a part of," and put in a lot of effort to make that happen.

But there are also a lot of people who proudly, devoutly boast their patriotism... and are just rooting for the Cincinnati Bearcats. My country is superior to all other countries because it is the country I was born into, and my Dad told me it's the best one.

(National and cultural propaganda also plays a role in this, of course. The nice man on the news shit-talking all the other countries makes it a lot easier to blindly cheer for the Cincinnati Bearcats.)

I actually know nothing about the Cincinnati Bearcats. I just picked Cincinnati at random for this example and then googled their basketball team. I hope I'm not shit-talking a really good and culturally important team. XD

In any case, like I said, it's complicated. One of the hardest things I ever had to do was unpack a lot of the ideas and beliefs I held and sort through which ones I believed because I'd actually taken the time and thought about it, and which ones I'd simply been given unquestioningly by someone else.

And it makes these sorts of topics very complicated for me now.

#politics

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misslavenderlady · 7 days ago

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Random Gender Thoughts

Literally nobody asked for this, but it's pride month and it's my blog so I can yap about this if I want.

TW: Talk about gender identity/dysphoria, traditional gender role expectations, body image issues, period/puberty mention

If you don't know already, I came out as gender fluid a little while ago. Before that I had identified as a demigirl (I'm AFAB).

I have a bit of a complicated relationship with gender. Always have. When I was a kid I had a very gender neutral preference for the things I liked. I also passed as both a boy and a girl because the hairdressers my mom took me to kind of butchered my hair. But I also struggled with my identity because of how gender was treated all around me.

My mom wanted me to be a perfect girly girl and trained me to have proper etiquette. She didn't like any roughhousing or boys toys. On the other hand, my dad had obviously wanted a son, and hated interacting with my more "girly" interests (ballet, dress up etc). I was desperate for his attention and approval, so I'd act more like a boy (play sports, go four-wheeling etc). But while he liked bonding over that stuff, he still saw me as a girl who was just supposed to "stand back and look pretty". When my stepbrother entered the picture, all of his attention went to the son he never had.

My gender identity was also complicated because of how much my body changed during puberty. I had a growth spurt SUPER early. I was a good foot taller than the other kids as early as third grade. I was also a smidge chubbier, and the bullies were RELENTLESS. They made me feel ugly, disgusting and unwanted. And because I was the first in my grade to get my period (5th grade), that only further complicated how I felt about myself. I saw myself as this monster who didn't belong with anyone in any group. I ended up being very shy and introverted, silently watching others when I went to middle school and wondering if I would ever find someone who genuinely liked me.

Now thankfully, my middle school and high school experiences with gender were a lot better. I'm fortunate enough to have gone to schools with very open and accepting communities. Anyone who was a part of the LGBTQIA+ community felt comfortable enough to come out. My senior prom had a prom king who was gay and a prom queen who was trans. It felt very good to be surrounded by acceptance and support after years of torment.

I just saw myself as an "ally" for all of high school. Even though I had developed feelings for a girl I knew, I was sure I was just straight. And as for my gender identity, I never really thought about it too much. I was just going by my biology, and nothing more. I guess in a way I thought it didn't matter.

But even though people got more mature and kind to with age, I was still surrounded by gender expectations. Presenting myself a certain way, dressing a certain way, doing stuff in a "feminine". Keep in mind, I'm still plus size, and people with my body type aren't seen as "conventionally attractive", so it was harder to meet expectations of being a "woman". My family in particular made me feel like I would never find love because I was fat (little did they know I would in fact find the love of my life). That the world wouldn't treat me well because of how I looked.

I just felt like no matter what I did, I was set up for failure. I would always feel confused and awkward and ugly.

Now today I still have complications with how I view myself. Part of me wonders if all of this was just one, long phase and I actually identify as a woman and nothing else. Wonders if I was thinner, shorter, or had a higher pitched voice, then it would be easier to be feminine.

Part of me wonders if I'm actually trans and that I would be happier as a man. I find myself growing out my body hair and imagining people using a different name for me. If I should go on testosterone, or if it would just be a mistake.

Part of me wonders if I'm just nothing. Nonbinary. That gender shouldn't be important and I just focus on my life itself.

But I definitely feel comfortable with being gender fluid. I don't have the fear of making changes that are permanent in case I change my mind. I still have days when I have dysphoria because I have to present as female at work but I feel male or something else inside. Maybe someday I can try presenting differently in public.

I feel like everything I've said is pure word salad and that I'm not making sense. Stuff like this hasn't been spoken to anyone but my friends on here. Not even my therapist knows. It's just....scary. I already deal with mental health issues and stress in my job. I feel like I don't have the time or ability to go on this journey of self discovery.

But!!! I am so very grateful for my friends here. The people who do know who I am. The kindness that has been shared. I love you all.

So just to get this out in the world: My name is Lav. I am genderfluid. You can use she/they/he pronouns for me. Whatever you vibe with. Happy Pride month 🌈

#lavender lady rambles #pride month #genderfluid

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eldritch-bf · 1 year ago

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Herbert West identity related headcanons:

ftm (obviously) gay and demi

if he’s 24 in 1985 then he was born in 1961 oof

I’m also using some info from the novelization as canon so he is Canadian and his parents died in a chemical fire in the house when he was 12-13

was forced to take ballet when be was 5-10 (something Jeffry Combs joked about in the commentary from Bride)

his parents were neglectful of him and didn’t really care about him wanting to have short hair or boy clothes plus they chalked it up to his presumably undiagnosed autism

realized he felt weird about the older boy in the foster home (13-18) but didn’t really understand it; mostly he is jealous when girls take away the boy’s attention; closest friend he ever had as they were alone together but Herbert knew he could never act on it so he kept those feelings to himself

he wants sex but only from someone he’s emotionally connected with which itself is rare and at the same time intellectually he considers sex to be debasing, while also being curious about the sensation and knowing the benefits of the chemicals produced during orgasm

this is coupled with the fact that at least before starting T any thought of sex or masturbation made him extremely dysphoric and repulsed so his whole relationship with sex is very complicated

he is deeply repulsed by femininity bc it reminds him of his childhood spend as his agab and the stupid gender norms his parents thrust upon him including dismissing him being a scientist just because he had the wrong parts

he is canonically annoyed by pretty much all sounds and I suspect higher pitched sounds including women’s voices are worse; lower register sounds like thunder and men’s voices can be calming to him

upon moving from Canada to the U.S. as a student at NYU he used his new name on everything and making a clean break from his old identity was a big reason why he picked a different country to study in

hated NYU and the only good thing was it was easy to synthesize testosterone

T made him so fucking horny and also eviscerated his dysphoria; man was cranking it fucking constantly for a year straight and did some of his best work before moving to Switzerland for 3 years

Dr Gruber immediately figured out what his deal was but didn’t say anything and just treated him normal and for that Herbert was extremely devoted to him; Dr Gruber also did his top surgery in Switzerland despite having never done such an operation before

Dr Gruber was the one and only member of his support system the only person who knew everything about him and understood him and accepted him, losing him was a devastating blow and Herbert decided he would keep himself closed off

Also Dr Gruber didn’t have anyone either and adored Herbert and according to the book fucking left Herbert his money when he died which paid for his tuition and moving costs etc

if I didn’t genuinely like the father/son dynamic they have, I would absolutely say he was fucking that old man

So he was cool and clipped to Dan when he first met him and when he moved in trying to keep Dan at arm’s length away but he saw how smart and hardworking Dan was and he knew how difficult it was to conduct this research alone and he desperately wanted the company

and Dan reminded him a lot of the first boy he ever had a crush on and it would give him a certain satisfaction to vicariously have his first crush through Dan yet also knowing that Dan is way better than the idiot teen boy he was in the foster home with who never gave him the time of day; he’s also pleased with the idea of dragging Dan (normal, supposedly heterosexual, law-abiding) down with him; he’s pulling the brightest kindest handsomest hardest working med student out of Miskatonic into his orbit and making Dan’s life revolve around him

literally “look at the bad bitch I pulled by being a little freak” absolute nightmare Herbert West takes personal pleasure in ruining sweaterboy Daniel Cain’s life

the chaos of everything they do is so much more important that when Dan finds out Herbert is trans and gay it doesn’t even phase him.

(Daniel Cain is bisexual and basically decided it was just easier to be pretend to be straight and get a girlfriend so he ignored his feelings for men. But now with Herbert he doesn’t have to.)

he is completely shocked by sex with Dan however despite knowing that Dan is experienced he was not prepared nor was Dan prepared for how awkward yet demanding the virginal Herbert West would be, yelling at him one moment before becoming cock stupid the next

#herbert west #daniel cain #danbert #ALL I WANTED TO SAY!#was that he’s demi but sex gives him dysphoria before he starts T #and that he thinks sex is beneath him but knows the chemicals are good #re animator

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