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#because im a traumatized fucking disaster thats been slowly trying to cut off my friends and stop caring about them
arcaneyouth
·
3 years
Text
(this post isnt being queued because if i post it at the ripe old time of 1 am fewer people will see it alright have a nice day)
#vent post
#negative
#warning: im about to get into some emotions i havent told anybody including my therapist or even myself really and theyre bad! really bad
#im not trigger tagging it because it. feels bad. i cant explain that i just cant
#so basically just read at your own risk. if i dont get this out somehow i think i might scream
#ok so getting just right to the point i am so fucking suicidal i dont want to live in this shitty ass world anymore
#i cant imagine a world where i dont have to struggle. i cant imagine a world thats any better than this.
#i cant imagine living past 21 anyways cause thats when my doctors said id die as a way to threaten me into doing my meds
#i try so hard to be positive and hold on and it worked for 4-5 years and now theres not even a point.
#im tired of trying. im tired of holding on. i will never be able to live comfortably. whats the fucking point.
#im running out of reasons to stick around.
#years ago my reasoning was that my friends would be sad. i cant really use that anymore
#because im a traumatized fucking disaster thats been slowly trying to cut off my friends and stop caring about them
#maybe i could stick around so i can finish my comic well thats not going to fucki
#ng happen because the world is probably going to kill me before i can get it done
#and nobody gives a shit about my ocs anyways except for me
#or maybe i could stick around for that cool tv show or that video game i want to play or my favorite food
#well none of that fucking matters!!! it barely makes me happy anymore. theyre just things.
#what about my family? well thats easy i fucking hate them i wouldnt feel bad for leaving them.
#ive been in a depressive slump for weeks and i dont know how to get out and every time i start to feel ok again someone or something
#reminds me why this world is so horrible.
#the internet reminds me every day of how people are dying and how people like me are getting killed for fun
#my parents are pessimists who spend every conversation talking about how bad everything in the world is
#so the options seem pretty simple to me. either the world kills me some time soon or i'll do it myself before it can.
#but i wont
#im scared of pain. im scared of dying. i know for a fact id never be able to pull anything off
#so the fact that im still here doesnt even mean much. im just too terrified to leave.
#yeah post over. sorry about. *gestures at this whole post*. i dont have the energy to write in my journal and ill probably be
#too much of a wimp to tell my therapist
#this just needs to get out somewhere. i really cant handle keeping it in me anymore.
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