#im not trigger tagging it because it. feels bad. i cant explain that i just cant

[jigenstits]

Ok so tragic HC but

You know how it’s canon that Lupin has basically convinced Jigen that if he ever went “bad” that Jigen had permission to shoot him, like that one thing in think in Red Jacket, where he asks Jigen to kill him to save the lives of any potential victims when he believes he’s becoming a compulsive killer because that’s not who he is?

. . .do you think Jigen keeps that in mind for other situations.

Like outside of Lupin asking him to do that in case he ever goes “mad”, Jigen knows how important thieving is to Lupin and that if Lupin can’t do it, Lupin wouldn’t feel like himself and would be absolutely miserable and Jigen can’t stand to see his best friend miserable.

And as a result, and as much as he hates it, if his best friend in the whole world asked Jigen to kill him if it came down to the situation that it was either Jigen kill him or he spends the rest of his life unable to do the one thing that basically makes his life worth living, that Jigen would actually do it.

what I’m basically getting at is Jigen would probably put Lupin down like a racehorse with a broken leg if Lupin ever broke/injured something that basically ended his carrier in a snap instance. He’d rather his friend die with dignity then live a life he’s not meant to live, he knows that Lupin would be miserable distraught and everything in between if he managed to hurt himself to the point that thieving/ LIVING would be nothing to him but a distant memory

Like Lupin gets hurt often, and Jigen knows that some wounds can be more severe then others, but wounds that definitely worry him the most are wounds that target Lupin’s hips, back/spine and legs because of what they can entail.

Legs worry him less. They can heal but depending on the trauma, you can loose a leg, but prosthetic’s are a thing and Jigen know’s lord knows Lupin is smart enough to tinker with em to make them comfortable enough to act like he never lost a leg

Same with the hips, hip wounds *suck* they take a long time to heal from, and not only that a hip fracture is a serious injury, with complications that can be life-threatening. Not to mention a hip fracture can greatly reduce independence and sometimes even shorten life. About half the people who have a hip fracture aren't able to regain the ability to live independently, so what does that mean for a thief.

But then there’s the ultimate fear factor for Jigen, an injury to Lupin’s back. . .specifically his spine. 

Spines are important, they keep you moving, keep you living. Minor fractures of the spine of course can be healed with rest and medication, however, more severe fractures might require surgery to realign the bones. If left untreated or if the injury is severe enough, spinal fractures can lead to permanent spinal cord injury, nerve damage and paralysis and sometimes even death.

But would Jigen ever take that chance? 

Would he ever hope that his partners wounds would be minor and that all it would take is a little R&R to recuperate.

or would he always find himself ready at the trigger to spare his friend the pain and heartache and devastation

tw // suicide ? i think? im unsure what to tag this as KJHJGHF

i have a feeling if it ever came down to it, jigen probably wouldnt be able to pull the trigger but thats just my hc for him

he gets these sorts of intrusive thoughts often, and it usually leads to some sort of panic attack (that he of course treats with alcohol)

lupin finds him during one of these attacks and tries to figure out whats wrong, jigen of course brushes it off and says hes not drinking for any reason in particular but lupin knows otherwise

eventually after alot of prodding, he breaks down and tries to explain whats on his mind, but keeps getting choked up. jigen hates crying, especially in front of people, and he can usually keep that under control, but for some reason he just cant seem to stop it this time

lupin sits there though and listens, reassuring him and trying to talk it through with him whenever he falls silent

[nature-played-a-trick-on-me]

.

[arcaneyouth]

(this post isnt being queued because if i post it at the ripe old time of 1 am fewer people will see it alright have a nice day)

[dyketubbo]

mkay. ive woken up, it doesnt seem like theres any new developments, so. post explaining what the hells been going on about the ae/emeraldduo qpr discourse ig woo. this is going to be from my perspective, because i am one person. shocker. anyways,

basic summary: i made a post saying that because c!kristin is canon and philza and techno have boundaries against shipping, i believed that maybe there should be a genuine effort to chill out with putting c!philza and c!technoblade in a qpr or platonic marriage, as c!philza being married to c!kristin is based off the irl marriage and c!philza and c!technos friend dynamic is based off the ccs dynamic even outside of the dream smp (such as, of course, the antarctic empire being a smpearth thing). i also said this because i feel like theres a genuine problem in the fandom with how it treats kristin, not only in fanart (making her skinny and white), but also just. in general, overshadowing her with the idea of emeraldduo being married, shit like that, and it irked me esp bc shes a woc while philza and techno are white men.

people get pissed at me, both to my face and behind my back, and i get insulted, called stupid, arophobic, anti-polyam, told i dont understand friendship and that i dont have friends. i joined a server just to wake up and find myself banned and blocked with no explanation, left to assume that i was talked about behind my back while i was unable to defend myself. out of all the people who disagreed with me, one person. one. person. was nice to me and didnt call me arophobic, actually giving me constructive criticism and a chance to elaborate. one. i finally start to feel better two days after the fact, consulting people outside the fandom to get second opinions and getting happy when people agreed with me and even gave insight to things i didnt consider, and what do i get?

someone rbed to tell me "not to go on twitter" because people were talking about me, and informing me that there was a group chat dedicated to "talking about how wrong [i am]". what the rest of the post said, i dont remember, because the person seems to have me blocked and i fucking panicked after being told theres literally an entire group of people talking about me on twitter- of which, yknow. is known for harassing people and even once had a black girl doxxed?? not to mention that the person who mocked me for supposedly not having friends did so when i said to leave me alone, and ive said publicly for people to leave me alone consistently, and. well, insulting and going after someone, or even talking about them behind their back, when they said to leave them alone is in fact harassment, by definition.

im accused of not listening to philza, with the only clip being given to me of him talking about c!emeraldduo being like "the platonic version of achilles and patroclus", as if platonic = queerplatonic. yesterday was the first time i was given a clip of phil talking about qprs specifically, given to me by someone who didnt evem disagree with me anyways, again showing the people disagreeing with me were barely actually willing to cooperate with me. i have. complicated feelings on the clip (mainly with how its worded as just headcanons and only given the definition of "platonic life partners" which.. hm.), but this post isnt about that.

regardless, i vent to my friends, because i was having a delusional breakdown, and one makes a post saying they didnt want to interact with the fandom after people went after me. they inform me that both people who insulted me before and others reblogged from their post to again assert that im arophobic, claim that no one was talking about me outside of people publicly talking about how "arophobic" i am (which.. is people talking about me), claim that i called people racist and sexist (i didnt?? i dont think anyones racist and sexist, not even for what i brought up concerning the fandoms treatment of kristin, it gives me a bad taste in my mouth, but i would never call anyone racist or sexist for it [outside of the whitewashing but thats a different issue from the qpr discussion]), and then they were sent anon hate, one even asserting that they were arophobic and talking over minority groups and therefore deserved to be in their bad home situation. outside of their post being in the dream smp tag, its hard to believe that people just. normally found their post. unless they were going through the recent posts in the dream smp tag (which i dont feel is the case), it is.. concerning that they found my friend trying to defend me so quickly and immediately decided to continue to talk about me behind my back and even insult them as well.

so.. yknow, not great in asserting that there arent people tracking me somehow, which is incredibly triggering and paranoia inducing.

either way, in the end, if people disagree with me about the situation, i dont care, i cant stop them, but i just want people to stop being fucking pricks about it. i want people to stop being pissy at me and about me, i want people to stop insulting me and telling me and telling people i interact with that im arophobic when im not. i want people to stop pretending to care when they tell me to take a break when theyre the fucking reasons i have to take a break. i want people to stop being condescending to me, to stop talking about me, to stop acting like theyre superior while fucking insulting me.

i just wanted to bring up an issue about the lack of respect kristin gets, and people as always turned it into something about philza and technoblades relationship when that was literally the behavior that i was complaining about. i hate that me wanting to talk about how kristin and her marriage to phil is treated turned into me having several breakdowns in one day because i kept getting worse and worse news about how people were treating me. i hate that i did take breaks, that i actively distracted myself, went outside, took care of my pets, took care of myself, talked to my friends, and yet people just acted condescending and went all "if you cant handle criticism then leave :/".

what the fuck is wrong with you people? why is it that this fandom actively defaults to harassment and using ccs against fans when an issue arises? and i fucking hate that this is my first goddamn actual interaction with aeduo fans. im genuinely terrified of aeduo fans now if this is how they react to problems. fuck everyone who talked about me behind my back, fuck everyone who acted condescending towards me, fuck everyone who called me arophobic or anti-polyam or whatever the hell they had up their sleeves, fuck every single grown ass adult who saw a teenager have a fucking breakdown over the shit they did and said and decided to continue. fuck everyone who didnt even bother to have a goddamn level conversation with me before insulting me and attempting to tell others that im arophobic and other shit like that.

this shit happened because of two paragraphs. i said two goddamn paragraphs about a personal issue with the fandom i had and now ive genuinely been pushed almost to the point of relapsing. i dont give a shit if people think i have a victim complex, i just want people to leave. me. alone. its the fucking least you could do. oh, and go fuck yourself. if you genuinely thought id be apologizing after that shit, fuck you. i shouldnt have to be the better person with this shit, i shouldnt be pushed to choking on my own fucking tears because people wont let it fucking be. im not goddamn apologizing after three days of getting insulted and harassed and talked about behind my back for a fucking shipping issue. piss off.

[gringolet]

that italian?

okay okay okay i think it happened long enough ago that i can dish about the drama. she changed her url and im not including it anyway so its fine.

prepare for a fuckin. essay in responss to a TWO WORD ask but anyay

so once upon time there was an italian who hated children and loved reylo. she also hung out in the arthuriana tag and got a bunch of asks about it. so one day some poor anon comes in and asks if she has any trans headcanons for arthurian characters, and she, instead of being a normal person and saying like, no, she goes off about how trans characters in fanfic is forced representation and she cant talk about trans people bc surgery is triggering for her.

found this in the archives lol. so i rbd politely explaining that while it was fine to not have trans hcs, her justifications for it were a little offensive.

hey i dont want to start discourse or anything but i see ur asks in the tag a lot and i wanted to politely address this. firstly obviously no one is under any obligation to hc things, and headcanons and fandom is not activism. if you’d just said “no, not really” it would b fine. i mean, cringe of u, but fine. but u make a couple of points here i want to look at a bit critically. then there is “I don’t like when headcanons are pushed up as ~representation, especially when… Ehm, it’s just fandom stuff?” i dont want to misinterpret you or put words in your mouth, but the implication that theres no need for trans rep in fandom and dismissal of that is a very cis take. My initial read of your intention there was a complaint of ‘why should something like fandom spaces, which are for fun and not serious, be filled with non fun serious (bad) trans stuff that i have to see when im trying to enjoy myself.’ now that could be incorrect, you were a bit vague here. if that is what you meant, i think you maybe should examine why you feel that way. if it isnt, im unclear on what exactly youre trying to say here. the idea that trans hcs are performative wokeness and “representation” in fandom is completely ignoring the actual trans people making and wanting them. there is so vanishingly little representation of trans people in actual media and even less thats good, and i think implying trans hcs are being pushed on people and fandom for, ~representation (a world of meaning in the ~ i shant speculate on) is very dismissive and ignorant of that fact. honestly the main thing im troubled by is the idea that trans bodies are inherently disgusting and triggering, which is an incredibly harmful and hurtful idea, and since you yourself acknowledge that trans people and hcs dont predicate surgery i question why you bring it up, except as a justification for disconfort rooted in unexamined prejudice. im not accusing you of being a terf or anything, i dont believe you meant harm by this or have bad intentions, and im definitely not saying anyone has to hc anything. it was the uncomfronted insidiousness of your justification that concerned me. this is not a personal attack at all, you just have a lot of influence in this fandom space and i wanted to make you aware of some of the surely accidentally harmful things ur saying.

so she flips out and rbs that yelling at me and cursing me out in italian (she moved blogs so i dont have her whole response just bits)

basically she completely derailed the original topic and accused me of calling her a horrible person for her triggers? which i never did and would never do, and then tried to make it a wierd anti v proshipper thing

third: I never said there’s no need of trans hcs in fandoms, BUT I’ve noticed that there’s a tendency of condemning people on the basis of what they ship / the dynamics they write. ( like the infinite discourse about how ‘I ship only mlm enemies to lovers because f/m enemies to lovers are Inherently Bad and Abusive - something I personally heard on Twitter sigh ), so I feel the need to say it. blame the current fandom climate.

and were like wow, this lady is unhinged, so we look around her blog and find a. a lot of stuff like saying its racist to not like incest?? and that italians arent white?? also shes a swerf?? and kind of deniel italian colonialsm? and reblogs from a bunch of out and out terfs} there was more but this isnt a callout post lol.

valentine lanzelet made a post about this crazy italian we found and she flipped out on him (this is one of several cursey italian tag rants)

roughly means: GO SHIT YOURSELF (italian alternative to go fuck you), RACIST TERF IS YOUR GRANDMOTHER IN A WHEELBARROW (italian saying which does not translate well) AND WHAT HAS ITALIAN COLONIALISM TO DO WITH THIS YOU UGLY SHIT, and anyways lancelot sucks

(translated by claudio beheaded)

anyway so then. and this is when it gets unhinged. she goes on this server me and a lot of my mutuals n friends r in, camelot, and starts complaining about me.

(in red is the server admin, who was lovely) i asked her to move this convo to dms if she must bc it was rude to bring drama into the server, and she refused, and started insisting that she was being bullied and just wanted to be left alone, so i was like okay lets all block each other and move on, and she refused, continuing to defend everything she was being criticized for

they also said claudio was making them look bad by translating their rants which like... queen if that made them look bad they were already a bad look.

so she keeps pinging people and replying to shit despite everyone else at this point begging her to just drop it and call it a stalemate

imagine this but around n around for like an hour. also she repeatedly got me and valentine confused it was super funny. also she claimed it was an invasion of her privacy for valentine to go on her public blog and look at the things she openly said and rbd there

so the server got put in slow mode and she KEPT GOING even though everyone was just begging her to stop and not even responding

as u can see, around this point we just started spamming her with emoji reactions. she announced she was leaving then went back to arguing a full three times before finally dipping from the server

then she continued complaining about us and calling us puriteens in her tags (trying to make it a proshipper v anti thing i guess lol?)

for literally months before finally remaking. also in that time she got in an argument about how the crusades were fine actually. italianphobia works hard but she works harder i guess

anyway i prolly left out a lot but thats the italian saga

[balizardsnakething]

TW DRAMA AND ME ACTING ON MY EMOTIONS CAUSE OF THIS POST 

Granted I did post this after sending her an apology and I’m glad I now have official confirmation that she has seen said apology. The very fact that I have sent an apology means that I had got over the situation and just didn’t care about it anymore. I also tagged @toomanyfamdom because we thought it was ✨funny✨ and have gotten over the situation (unlike some). 

It should also be noted that I haven’t had any contact with Maddy since everything that happened and at least had the decency to send an apology and move on. Also, for the record, I had nothing to do with that list of toxicity. That list was put together and shown to me by my friends. I then continued to FORWARD THE SAME MESSAGE to Maddy because I disagreed with the list. 

Let’s see, shall we? Up first on the list of hell that I had nothing to do with (and disagree with) there is... “inconsiderate of time zones and peoples family life.” This eventually turned out to be accurate, not just for me but for many others. Madison would organise events like DnD games at UNGODLY hours in the morning (because she is in American time zones) and when us British people were unable to turn up she would kick them from the game and then proceed to shame their character for an hour. Granted her uncle did pass (im very sorry for your loss), but that had nothing to do with anything. Many of us (including myself) helped Maddy and were there for her, and I have plenty of messages to prove it. 

ANOTHER thing to do with time is when I was added to one of the greatest Instagram group chats in the world! However, my sleep was abruptly ruined when Maddy group-called the chat at 4am because she wanted to play Minecraft with a friend. Please direct call next time... thanks. 

Whilst on the subject of time family life, one of the most memorable things this girl did was shame me and attack me on one of the discord servers we were both on. What made this even worse was that I had an audition for a London West End theatre school which had the power to change my LIFE. And Maddy knew this and also knew that it was worrying me and that I was extremely stressed about it. You may say ‘oh, it's just a coincidence’. If you believe that please explain why said post tagged everyone and was posted 5 mins before my audition. Maddy knew this would stress me out, I spoke about the audition and my ability to read into things many times before and she knew this would get to me! A lot of the things Maddy did were petty shit, but then again, that’s who she is. 

Next up is... “shows blatant favouritism.” Well, it’s no surprise Maddy has so many friends! But which ones does she actually care about? My friends and I witness this first hand on many occasions, one of which being another DnD game where she was the dungeon master. Maddy made the turn order by (and I quote’, “the order is in who I love the most.” This caused some of us to feel a little uncomfortable, but we continued until Maddy put each character on a path to different destinations and explained which each path was. By the time it got to me, my dyspraxia/dyslexia couldn't hold the information, and I asked Maddy to explain them all again. Maddy agreed and but then ended with, “You just used up you go, Charley.” I was so confused! Apparently, explanations waste a turn??? But this was fine by me until Maddy explained the destinations to another player, but this time, she let them choose where they wanted to go instead of keeping them on the bench, awaiting their turn. Maddy would also allow people to have longer goes/round claiming that there was more to their story. My turn would be around 2mins where someone else would be 5. Again, petty shit which still happens to make people upset. 

Note: It was not just me who felt this way! Many others slid into my dms because they felt upset with how Maddy treated others but not themselves. 

Up next is, “making your best friend feel like shit for making a joke”. Another reminder, this list wasn’t written by me, it was written by my friend who was watching from the outside. And this is very true. I would often make jokes with people about Donald Trump and America because their laws and president (not anymore) were stupid. This always seemed to annoy Maddy and hurt her feelings. I would often make a throwaway comment but end up feeling bad about it because Maddy would leave the call. I always felt like I was walking on thin ice with her because if I said something even remotely controversial, she would not speak to me and leave the call. This really hurt me because I cared about my friends a heck of a lot and never wanted to ruin any relationships with them. I would send countless messages to Maddy, apologising and crying to her, telling her not to be mad at me. THAT 👏🏻 IS 👏🏻 A 👏🏻 TOXIC 👏🏻 RELATIONSHIP 👏🏻 One joke shouldn’t be the be-all and end-all of a friendship,, but that is what It always felt like! Also, Maddy never specified it was a trigger until recently, and even after she did say it was a trigger, I held back so she could feel comfortable. 

The final thing is: “made you feel bad for your emotions.” Madison needs to learn that EVERYONE IS DIFFERENT and that people deal with things in different ways. Not everyone is smart, sensitive or skinny like she is. Whenever anyone hurt my friends, I would lash out and act upon my emotions because I didn’t know what else to do. This is something Maddy heavily criticised me for and something that eventually resulted in me listening to high-frequency sounds so I could get rid of my emotions and feel numb. My logic was that I didn’t want to hurt anyone ever again by jumping the gun and acting upon emotion. But thanks to others, I was pulled out of that loop, and I’ve learnt to use logic and reason as well as emotion. 

As for “breaking my heart”. Yes. Our friendship ending did hurt me, a lot. Just like everything with you, it is very one-sided. I was reaching out, listening and trying to help Maddy repair relationships with people whom she’d hurt. We both said equally bad things which made the ‘relationship’ toxic, and I would just like to point out that the name, ‘evil Maddy’ is cringe and I’m ashamed I was ever friends with you considering you used that in a callout post. /hj

---------------

Sarcasm aside, ima be real here because I am not afraid to tell my side of the story. So, @ thenameisnoone / Maddy. Here is a long-ass response to the post you made about me. xx

Look, I’m not going to call you out or use Politics_notmything to cancel you because I’m not like that. I’m an actual good person who really tried with Maddy and dis my best to change myself to make her feel comfortable. I left a group chat with all my friends for a week and blamed it on ‘family issues’ because I didn’t want to make her feel uncomfortable. I made an entire Birthday PowerPoint for her, which included some of my best and favourite bootlegs. I made a genuine effort, but Maddy didn't really do anything else but tell me to “calm down” or “not throw everything away and give in to anger or despair and calm down until you can think rationally and make a logical decision”. 

And I’m glad I actually saw this because this is a classic Maddy move. She argues with people, builds up a situation then removes/blocks them, so they cant see everything she’s saying about them (i have proof of this from a server im in.) It has happened before, and she manipulated people into believing her side of the story. 

“I am allowed to block people who lie to me about serious topics even though they have trust issues which makes them unable, to tell the truth, if it hurts them. I am allowed to talk to people who blow up on me before hearing my side of things where they would have realised what they thought is wrong even though I dont get back to people until 3am and decide to leave them on delivered/read for days at a time when I am happily talking in other servers. I am allowed to block people who accuse me of shit-talking them with my friends who I introduced them to (and I never do that) when I have only defended them and said friends genuinely were being nice to them even if they have proof. I am allowed to block people. Period.” - Maddy 

And I’m not saying Maddy isn't allowed to block people. It’s a free world. Im just defending myself :) 

Granted, Maddy did defend me and say that this situation shouldn’t change anyone opinions on me, and I can say the same. Just because I had a terrible experience with Maddy, doesn’t mean she is a bad person and I encourage anyone online who loves women’s’ history and WATT to befriend her. 

But being honest, she did also call me a bitch on a Tumblr callout post, so I had to come and write this all down for safekeeping and reblogging purposes. Im not a bitch, and that is why I’m not using my following to cancel her. But anyway,  we both had some shit experiences with each other so you can read this and make up your own mind even though I did back her up with the previous call-out post, sent her my support, apologised and didn’t block her when she was at a bad time in her life or when she needed help. If anyone has a problem with me posting this, please contact me via DM. 

Sorry, not sorry ‘bout what I said. I’m just tired of your petty shit.

[fuckyoutoocoolschmoo1]

So @sleaterkenny tagged me in this top albums of 2019. Idk if they knew what they were getting themselves into with giving this to a music major who can’t shut up but I love this. The thing is I don’t really listen to new music so like I’m just going to talk about what I’ve been listening to and try to throw in currentish stuff. Also it’s not in any particular order. Also if you like my opinions and music choice listen to my radio show at wmxm.org every Tuesday from 5-7.

Wild flag by willd flag

- this is one of those “super group” with Mary Timothy from helium and Janet Weiss and Carrie brownstein from sleater Kinney. They only ever put out this one album but like I still really want more from them. Currently I’ve been loving future crimes. It has such a longing to it at the same time it’s incredibly strong. It’s like raw unhinged Carrie and I love it. Romance is also really fun. I like how his album tackles these big things then has songs like romance and boom that are just like fun and flirty.

Prom queen by beach bunny

- so it’s a local Chicago band and I’m becoming obsessed. It’s a female fronted band and I really think they are about to like break out. They have the thing some riot grrrl bands do which is cutesy but still kick ass. The titular song prom queen is probably my favorite. It talks about beauty standards but it’s still a bop. It also like alludes to an eating disorder so trigger warning but for me personally it reminds me that I’m not totally alone yf. Also that makes the song sound super depressing but it’s a break up bop I promise.

Le Tigre by le Tigre

- so god bless Kathleen. Kathleen is also from bikini kill and she’s like such an icon. Every song goes hard. Hot topic is super great it’s just like funky background with Kathleen belting important women over it. My favorite is deceptacon. It’s just fun and bratty. They use their instruments in such a interesting way. It’s so clear that everyone is just having fun. Every song goes so hard.Potty mouth by bratmobile- okay so like iconic it’s part of the birth of riot grrrl I love it. Okay so their cover of cherry bomb. Like I think I went off about this already but I love how girlie it is yet it still commands so much attention it’s kick ass. They take that song that was used to exploit the sexuality of a underage girl and it fucks with the patriarchy. All the songs are so fun. They call out relationships call out men and demand to be heard about everything they want to talk about. I love the way each song feels like they are directly bitching at you

Emerald valley

- this is by filthy friends which is one of those “super groups”. It has corin tucker if sleater Kinney and peter buck from REM. It’s all about climate change and you can tell that everyone is passionate about what they are talking about. Corin Tucker as always tears apart the room with her vocals it’s like a battle cry. Also if you get the vinyl it’s green and I’m a bitch for colored vinyl. Bonus you should listen to despirta which is by them and it’s a fuck Trump ballad.

So this is kinda a cop out but I’m living my best life..

Diomands by Elton john

- so it’s all re-released Elton music but it’s has a super good mix of his stuff. Admitally after watching rocket man I got back into Elton john and it’s like a rennasance. Bennie and the jets is a banger and tiny dancer always pulls at my heart strings. It’s hard to pick an Elton song to be my favorite but I’ve been listening to goodbye yellow brick road a lot and I’m preforming it at my piano recital coming up so I’ll say it’s my favorite

So this definetly isn’t in anyway new but I’ve been loving the age of backwards by the spells

- so this came out in 1999 around right after sleater Kinneys the hot rock. Its a duo with Mary Timothy of helium and Carrie brownstein (of sleater Kinney). It’s a short experimental ep and I love it. So I had to listen to it a couple of times before I could say if it was good or not but I decided i liked it. Carrie sings a lot and I love her voice and the chemistry between Carrie and Mary’s guitars is insane. It’s a lot of entangled riffs and weird affects. My favorite song off of it is can’t explain which is a cover they did of that song by the kinks.

The Woods by sleater kinney

- I know Im suppose to talk about the center wont hold but like truthfully i cant write a whole essay right now and i dont want to get too conversational. what ill say is if you dont like the album youre wrong and dont ever mention janet weiss to me again because im conflicted. Anyway...Carrie brownstien is the best guitarist of our genoration and im being 100% serious when i say this if you dont agree with me youre sexist and homophobic. The woods i feel like is where i can point to and be like are you shitting me listen to these solos. I feel like carrie had always had killer solos but something about this album (and going forward but especially this album) makes it feel even more powerful. Carries guitar is like a fucking weapon and you can feel it cutting you open. Of course corins vocals fill the entire room and attacks anything in it’s path. The fox i think showcases the power of her voice better then any of their discography. As always sleater kinney tackles so many issues and this album goes for everything. The song that really stands out though is jumpers. I remember listening to it the first few times and just being like this shreds but once i really listened to the lyrics i fell apart. I think part if it has to do with the fact i can relate to it but i also feel like its one of the only songs that talks about suicide that doesn’t romanticize it and also doesn’t pity it. Jumpers is like this unstoppable force of nature that is apologetically what it is and is the first song that really captures the epidemic truthfully. I know i havent given a favorite for each album but ill say modern girl is my favorite. It’s really hard to decide and tbh i dont know if its my favorite but i love how antagonizing it is and i guess i liked it enough to get it tattooed on my body.

This is kinda my rap portion of the post

Cherry bomb by Tyler the creator

- so this isn’t one of his most acclaimed albums but I love it. It has the perfect mix between the pure and soft and the fuck shit up angry. I think my favorite is 2seater. The entire thing is so sweet and I love the part where everything changes and he starts singing “I love it when your hair blows” part. I also really like perfect/Fucking young but whenever I listen to it I’m like am I a bad person for liking this? Anyway the entire thing goes hard but is still soft.

American boyfriend by Kevin abstract

- this album is like a hard look at what it’s like to be a black gay man in America. Miserble America completely breaks your heart while at the same time making troy nostalgic for a life that isn’t yours. The whole album addresses really important topic and is revolutionary because it’s an out black man in rap which is huge.

if you read this whole thing thats fucking wild. sorry i can’t fucking spell but this is how i feel about things. i hella loved writing this @crvidae i guess im tagging you but im pretty sure you’ll never end up doing it...

[shattered-catalyst]

So this  isnt for anything other than just to say what happened just so I feel heard and I can explain why I cant be as energetic and socially active on here. Its not a callout post or to be reblogged/shared by people. Its not to get anyone in trouble or to cause any reaction. It’s just for me to let it out and reclaim this space again. Its been a year since it happened and I guess I’m just still noticing how badly it has impacted my PTSD. How much its changed me as a person both online and off, and this isnt a woe as me thing either this is just me feeling a need to be heard and explain my own behavior over the year and also to make one simple request of you guys: no matter what you do, always treat your rp partners as people first and writers second.

Because I feel myself becoming bitter and that isnt who I am and I dont want to be someone like that. Or like this. I want to be me again

The person who did this wont be named mainly because they dont deserve it and yall dont need to know. Their behavior when I confronted them more than cements the impression that they dont see any harm in what they said and how they reacted. And again this isnt about them though In A Way I suppose it is? it takes two to tango but it takes one to encourage someone to kill themselves.

This is going to be long because I need to inform on the activity that lead up to this  because it didnt just happen over night- though in a way it did. But you need a better picture of this person because apparently they present a really great face that only a few of us see the manipulative and toxic side of.

This person was always very judgemental and hyper critical. I witnessed a lot of very negative and toxic behavior from them but I was naive and just hoped they would mature as they grew older and gained more independence. I thought it was just a toxic friend group and that perhaps she would recognize her self destructive and immature behavior and grow from it. 

My first red flag should have been when they accused me of being their ex girlfriend SOLELY because I was living in PA. I hate to break it to yall, but PA is a big ass state and has a lot of comic book loving ladies. Thankfully I have never met this person IRL and I hope I never do.

They tried to pull me into making fun of other muns on discord, including mocking sensitive pictures from a mun’s personal blog. I blatantly said it wasnt okay and made me uncomfortable and she continued laughing and making jokes about it with her friend group on discord. She kept trying to pull me into it no matter how often I tried to change the subject.

Her group of friends also did this thing where one of them would go interact with a mun an they would take screenshots of the convo and share it with the group and mock the mun they were interacting with. Whether it be their presentation of character/grahics/writing style/ etc.

The other red flags I ignored? How much she complained and mocked other muns and compared them to me; if anyone did anything or said anything she disagreed with it was an instant blow up. She took EVERYTHING personally including other people writing the same characters she did, having differing headcanons, not knowng obscure details about canon, etc.

She once tried to make fun of a new writing partner I had who was writing the same character, and I had to break it to her that this new person could write in her first language if she wanted to; im being very vague but let me just say if you and your character have the same first language and you want to write in it then its completely WRONG for a white mun to try and make fun of you for it.

She once suggested I had stolen pictures off her pinterest when she sent me a moodboard request for my character. Jokes on her I didnt even know she HAD a pinterest and I had gotten all my pictures from the ‘green aesthetic’ tag on tumblr. Which I told her but she kept pushing the idea on me I had stolen them. I of course dismissed this and put it on the back burner despite the alarm bells going off.

This hyper critical and paranoid behavior continues with everything from other canon blogs making similar head canons/ vaguely similar graphics/ to fanfiction authors having similar head canons/plot ideas.

My penname Citrus? I didnt want one. I didnt want it. She demanded I have a pen name and if not she was going to call me Cat. Now as yall know I dont like being enmeshed with my muse so I keep myself separate from them. I didnt like being called Cat and I told her that explicitly. She kept doing it. So I had to make a pen name because she refused to respect my boundaries.

When the Deadpool movie came out she DEMANDED I change my FC to reflect the movie Despite Not Changing Hers to reflect her own characters new look - which might i add is fat erasure. It was clear then that the rules and standards she held other people to didnt apply to herself. I was labeled problematic for not giving into her demands to change FCs (which I have a literal logical reason for not changing and im not explaining that here)

So I shouldve left. Long story short I didnt because every friendship I’d been in until around this time had been abusive and toxic. I thought this was all normal behavior for people to have and I was convinced I was just being critical of someone elses opinions/ insensitive etc. Thanks to my colleagues in graduate school and to several of you on here I learned that ‘hey dumbass friends dont treat your ass like this’.

Im leaving a lot out about the shit she did/said to me but those snippets give you an idea of things.

Leading up she decided to leave fandom and asked we didnt talk about marvel I said cool okay and didnt talk about marvel with her. If I did I would ask first if she was okay if we talked about one small aspect I thought might excite her/ she would like to know about but it wasnt often that happened because she began ghosting me. Hard. She stopped replying to me at all over discord when I would try and talk to her how we used to about our lives. She didnt answer any asks for munday or character development, in fact she blatantly ignored me.

I checked in a couple times with her to make sure I hadnt done anything to make her uncomfortable and she said no. May I emphasize she said no here. Im emphasizing it right now. She said no. She said everything was fine. So when I was like hey dude this is super triggering for me can you send me like a hi every once in awhile just so I can know we’re okay because its super triggering for me. Yall know what she did? She ‘lmao’-ed. she thought that was hecka funny. Yeah triggering ‘Citrus’ is hilarious isnt it? No it isnt and I shouldve cut her ass off right then and there.

Heres where shit gets confusing: she kept fucking talking about marvel to me. Id get messages at random times about marvel and then silence for weeks. I vividly remember during this period I was cleaning the museum vault and she kept messaging me about her marvel fc’s and how she wouldnt get a plotline and how characters were wrong etc.

I remember being REALLY confused because she had said NO MARVEL. But here she was bitching at me about marvel. In fact thats all she did when she did talk to me. Which was only like three or four times during the ghosting time period. She’d bitch about marvel and then vanish.

Shed make claims about not watching her dash and thats why she never responded to me/ interacted with me. She’d say she wasnt talkng to anyone while I see her on the dash TALKING TO PEOPLE and Id like to point out Ive told her I would be fine ending anything as long as she let me know.

but she followed me on every blog and throughout this time period she made and followed me on numerous ones. She kept reaching out sporadically to bitch about her fcs/how horrible marvel was/ and thats it. 

It was extremely confusing because if someone doesnt want to talk to me I assume they will; 1. unfollow 2. block 3. say goodbye 4. ghost and stay ghosted.

Not cycle through behavior rapidly. I asked her a few times if we were good and that I was confused and I got another ‘lmao’ reaction so I assumed we were good. At this point I still have no idea what was going on/ what message I was supposed to be receiving other than confusion.

So following this is heavily suicide tw and I encourage you not to read this part and to scroll down until the suicide tw is over which is highlighted in bold- if you’re triggered by that because I care about those who follow my blog.

So thats when this shit happened. I had tried reaching out to her on a different fandom platform to try and maintain the friendship. Because she said numerous times that we were friends. So like I reached out thinking maybe she just didnt want a marvel blog period.  It wasnt too long after that that she suicide baited me.

I was in a really bad place and had been for awhile and when I posted about how the only thing holding me on was the new comic coming out and specifically said “im seriously suicidal and this comic is the only thing giving me hope #idk what to do anymore ”. I was surprised when she liked the post.

I was three steps into a four step plan. I had everything but the method planned out and was just waffling along with that. Because yknow its complicated and you do it you make it count amiright. Right. I was in a fucked up place. I had just realized I was gay, I was horrendously depressed, I was in considerable physical pain, I was working 70 hours a week, my OCD was at an all time high and the only thing that kept me on this earth was a fucking comic book. You hold onto what you need to yknow?

WELL APPARENTLY NOT

Because this person who doesnt read her dash? This person who doesnt want to talk about anything? Liked that post where I specifically stated I was suicidal and sent me a discord message saying “dont have hope”.

Thats all it said “dont have hope”

Now I know what youre thinking but hold on because it gets worse.

I said something about being confused I dont really remember because I was pretty out of it. I do remember she kept going on about how horrible the comic would be and that it would be a piece of trash. I remember telling her I was really numb and in a bad place and couldnt feel anything. I remember her sending me screencaps and continuing to go ON AND ON about how it wasn’t worth reading.

I remember with gross intensity how someone who said they were my friend was taking away the only thing that was keeping me alive.

I dont remember how the conversation ends. I called out of work for the next three days. I was catatonically depressed and unable to really move. I didnt eat either. I went to internship, work, and school in a state of dissociation.

 I took screencaps of everything and set them aside for later. IDK what I was going to use them for but I set them in a folder on my desktop, looking back I regret what I did next; because I deleted them. I deleted them because I thought maybe she had been manic or drunk and hadn’t realized the scope of what was happening. I wanted to talk to her about it and clear things up because I believed in her. I believed there was no way she would be so callous as to do that on purpose. No way would someone try and get someone they called a friend to kill themselves. So I deleted the screencaps and my post on tumblr. I deleted all evidence to protect her and I encourage you all never to fucking do that even if you think that person misunderstood the gravity of your situation. Because if you’re wrong no ones going to believe you.

I remember shifting between intense depression and total denial.

I spent the rest of that month in and out of intense dissociative states when I wasnt in class or working with my clients.  During the middle of October my sister sent me pictures of a litter of puppies and I was like ‘well, i really need to either kill myself or make sure i dont’. I spent a few days continuing to waffle with that decision but then i remembered my mom cosigned my loans and I cant leave her with that debt because fuck we cant even afford my funeral to begin with. So I adopted a dog, I named him Julio to remind me to keep living and he finally came to me on halloween.

He was the only reason I left bed on my days off. I tried not to think about it but I did.  

I continued to spiral with heavier dissociative episodes and vivid nightmares about it.

SUICIDE TW OVER

I waited until Christmas to ask her to clarify the situation and let her know I no longer felt comfortable writing with her. I reminded her what happened and told her to check her discord if she wanted to see for herself etc.

She sent two long asks of combative, emotionally abusive, and gaslighting accusations. The first thing she did was say I needed to provide evidence if I went around making accusations like that. Then she cascaded into how I always talked about marvel *points up to where i explained what happened earlier*.  She tried gaslighting me like a champion and tried turning me into a horrible person the only problem is everything she was accusing me of doing was the shit she was doing to me. Everything. 

Even if I was bad at any time I had given her numerous chances to tell me I was overstepping a boundary- she always said no. I gave her numerous times to unfollow me if she wasnt interested in interacting with me- she never did. In fact I had unfollowed her that month because of her behavior towards me and she hadnt even noticed.

I let her know I could tell she was angry,  and that I didnt take receipts of private conversations because I believed in settling things like adults, and that if she ever wanted any proof it was all in her discord anyway. I let her know she could contact me to apologize but otherwise I didnt want her on any of my blogs and I told her the first thing she should have done wasnt demand receipts but she should have asked if I was okay. Its a real reflection of where her priorities were when she demands evidence rather than checks to see if a writing partner is okay.

Even if I did something horrible it doesnt warrant someone trying to get me to end my life. 

I was notified she put a post on her blog apologizing to her followers for being a bad friend and that she was a horrible person and ofc everyone was like ‘noooo youre perfect’ and its like ya thats not for me who hasnt followed her in months- thats to save face.

Her friends blogs kept visiting my profile and going through the month where this happened.

Everything she did and said was to save face. Her blog and her reputation are the only thing she cared about. She has never approached me to apologize or anything of the sort and I doubt she ever will. I would hope she would never do this again and I hope she has grown as a person since. That her life is better and her mother is okay, that shes happy and learning. 

 I know by posting this I will never receive an apology- then again i never expected one to begin with. I could go through all the trouble of restoring the deleted files but to be honest it isnt worth it because theres no room in my life for that type of toxicity.

Since this happened I:

I have stronger episodes of depression and dissociation since.

My PTSD has increased and I have week long spikes in anxiety attacks, depression and decreased self worth if I even see her around the rpc despite being blocked, blacklisted on xkit etc.

Have more difficulty completing basic self care tasks due to an increase in depression and a decrease in self worth.

I have nightmares about this event and her to this day a year later.

I cannot interact with the RPC how I once did as I fear seeing her on my dash or any sort of information getting back to her about me.

It took me half a year to see the character she wrote as as safe again and for awhile I couldnt even look at him without experiencing an anxiety attack.

I keep having nightmares. Its been a year and I still have nightmares about this.

I find myself having more difficulties connecting with people online especially on this blog. I’m constantly on edge when interacting with people and I feel spikes of anxiety at the merest thought of someone talking about me to her.

I find myself unable to have confidence as a writer or creator online because I have been reminder of the cement wall between oc characters and their canon counterparts.

I cannot go out and just follow anyone and be friendly and trusting with them anymore, even with people I already know. In the back of my mind is a constant reminder of how she and her friends used to check up on people and pretend to write with them/ interact with them just to take screenshots of conversations to share with the group. I have become a paranoid little bitch in the past year is what Im saying. like theres 0 need for that shit.

I blocked most of the people she interacted with simply to save myself from being triggered by her blogs/ mentions of her and that isnt fair to those people.

I remember the photo incident and how people derived such joy from mocking someones body. I can think of so many incidents of them making fun of others and I remember how that could be happening about me rn, and I wonder if anyone would stick up for me like I did for the other mun.

 I hope by posting this I can try and return to the person I was before this happened. I can try and not be so bitter and reach out again to others. That somehow I can continue working on making tumblr a safe place for me again and not a PTSD laced minefield.

I would like to remind this isnt a callout and I request if you know who this is about you dont say anything to them. This isnt for them. They have NEVER reached out to apologize for their actions. They have NEVER checked to see if I was okay after that. They have NEVER shown any remorse for encouraging me to kill myself and while I hope they’ve grown from the situation and will never do it again I doubt I will ever get closure from such an event. But i DO hope by writing this I can take this place back.

Consider this my first step towards bringing this up to a therapist.

 Consider this another step to me taking this blog back and feeling safer here; and maybe just maybe Ill make up a cool pen name for myself and own that shit.

If you’ve read this far thank you for your patience with me, and I request you always treat your writing partners like the people that they are. 

This post is not intended or written to leave this blog and therefore I request you not reblog it or share segments of it with ANYONE. If I find you have shared anything on here without my explicit permission I will block you.

‘Citrus’

[pridesquishy]

hi hewwo you happen to be the one i ask bc u were the first one to come up but what how do food TWs work? or more specifically what causes food triggers (other than abuse/bad memories)? is it just a Bad Feeling for some people? because i get that with hot/warm food sometimes. thanks for explaining!!

well. people can have a trigger be anything, even food. and a trigger doesn’t always have to be from abuse/trauma, there’s such thing as food triggers for people who have/had eating disorders. sometimes people with eating disorders have a harder time seeing foods that are more junk-food related, because of bingeing or restricting those foods so much. or it’s just any food that triggers them. and the response to seeing food can be just as bad as with a trauma trigger, depending on that person’s issues and where they are in recovery

or it could be that a certain food reminds someone of their abuser. i know for me, i cant handle hearing/seeing snickerdoodles because it’s one of my abuser’s favorite cookies

so for me it just feels like a reminder of them. and this doesn’t always mean that irl the person is as sensitive to food / food mentions. sometimes people can come on stim blogs to calm down or look at stims of their special interests, and seeing food would be a triggering circumstance that’d make them feel worse in a safe environment like this

a lot of times people also have spent years dealing with food issues like allergies or such, and i know for myself at least, my relationship with food is so different now that if i see a food i cant physically eat, it makes me feel bad. or especially sugary foods could upset people with blood sugar issues, just like bready foods would upset me since im sensitive to gluten. and this isn’t a trigger really, it’s more just a “i’d rather not see food on my dash so i’d want people to tag it if they could” sort of thing. hope this makes some more sense, if not feel free to clarify what else youd like answered!

[mulcibere]

whats good, @worldfathered​ / @telekidd​ / @blvescreen​ / @sbyirw​ ?  you ugly piece of shit.

you don’t know me, but i sure as hell know you. i’m making this post because you’ve repeatedly been transphobic and either react w/aggression or flat out ignore us when we come to you. not to mention your whole fiasco w the eatin disorders thing that’ll be covered under the cut. :)

first of all, you got a trans verse. what the fuck is up with that?

+ proof that your trans tag exists:

you know, surprisingly enough, my life as a trans man isnt glamorous or much different from a cis person’s. i live, i laugh, i act like a mess sometimes, i feel emotions, i try new things. only difference? i don’t agree w/what i was assigned w/ at birth and im struggling w it. do you know how difficult it is for the trans community when ppl like you do shit like this? do you know how many fucking times ive had ppl come to me TELLING ME im followin a damn trend bc of bull shit like this? make your character trans or dont. don’t make a whole verse for it. it’s not that hard to do. and why are you changing your whole fc? do you really need a whole new fuckin faceclaim for a trans character? lol trans verses are transphobic. the fact that you felt the need to make a whole separate verse for your muse to be trans makes my head fuckin hurt. here’s a post that nicely sums up WHY these sorts of verses are transphobic.

and if this was all you got from people contacting you about this issue, you really havent been listenin to us and tryna cooperate and work things out as calmly as we have been. but hey, we’re just bein big and evil, huh? my bad.

btw, if you’re genderfluid, you’re trans! you makin a separate verse for your muse to be trans even though your muse is CANONICALLY GENDERFUILD is transphobic, regardless of if you’re trans or not. you’re saying non binary people aren’t trans and are excluding them. and i got sent in a screencap of someone discussing this and it words exactly what im trying to say perfectly:

in case you delete anythin, we got this handy dandy link: https://web.archive.org/web/20180304230604/http://bittenkid.co.vu/post/165345023694/you-have-a-trans-verse

and someone DID come to you today, and i’ll give you points, you were civil about it.

but honestly, you even respondin, much less in a civil way is surprising as fuck to me, seeing as when people approach you and you give no response:

but

when you do respond when people approach you, react like this. real mature, huh? “special snow flake triggered ass” are you fuckin serious? is this how you react to people approaching you in a calm manner? speaking out over those you upset and callin them “special snowflakes?” if you honestly respond to conflict and concern like this, i really do pray for you and how you fair in real life situations.

and again.

calling trans people and others special snowflakes. for being upset with you and trying to speak with you about it.

and again. with the aggression. you surely see a reoccurring theme here, don’t you? i sure do.

and this as well. “hating this website” for people coming to you and tryna tell you what you did was wrong is just so mean, right?

and again with “triggered”, aka, people trying to discuss things with you and you actin completely unreasonable and painting us as the bad guys for bein genuinely hurt and trying to seek reconciliation. even with a video attached!

http://bittenkid.co.vu/post/165349873779/welcome-to-tumblr-dot-com-where-you-cant-have-nice

if you delete that post, i got it uploaded real nice here as well! https://www.dropbox.com/s/pd47gs3l1s4s7ct/video.mov?dl=0

we had someone message you politely askin for an apology for usin these terms and reactin how you have and you know what you did? blocked em.

so tell me, why is it that when we come to you politely, wantin to talk things out like adults in IMs, you always respond w/ calling us special snowflakes, triggered jokes (making fun of and slandering people w/ trauma, may i add! as someone with diagnosed trauma, im not down with the triggered jokes), postin about us, blocking us, and being aggressive? doesn’t seem very reasonable, does it? and yet we’re the ones bein unreasonable for being genuinely upset? bummer.

and another thing is that you’ve been pretty fishy with eating disorders and mental health as well. wanna explain that?

n then youve obviously been postin concernin enough stuff to get someone to contact you abt it, and you react like this?

you continually reply with aggression.

 listen sans, im a forgivin dude. i believe in redemption. i believe people can be a better person if they wanna be. so all im literally askin is for you to listen to us. cooperate with us. stop calling us names and acting aggressive when we try approaching you about this. don’t continually try and shut us down we we try and try and try to talk with you about this.

for the record, we arent harassing you. we’ve been coming to you as calmly and as civil as we possibly can. but you responding with aggression and calling us special snowflakes or not even respondin at all is why we’re done puttin up w/you. we’re done bein treated as doormats n bein walked over like one by you lol. you wanna know why we havent contact you when it happens? because you respond like this. just open your heart and listen to what people gotta say, man.

i really am praying for you and i hope that one day you change your heart enough to open up.

[o-no-it-all-went-wrong]

Alright kids! Buckle in because its storytime! For this story. I'll be using Overwatch characters for names because it took place in a Overwatch Discord server! I also changed some things to keep out most of the profanity! And I am so sorry if this is lengthy!

Anyways, so this was about two months ago. I was fresh into an Overwatch Discord server. They allowed OCs, which made it more comfortable for me. I was in the server as my OC, Horizon. Not counting me, there were two other OCs in the server which I will give fake names; Chalk and Kat. Chalk wasn't very active, but Kat is our main topic! It was about three days into being a part of the server and I got along great with everyone; Junkrat, Roadhog, Ana, and so on. Ana and I were talking about school and stuff (like about our classes) when a wild Kat appears! She suddenly tagged Roadhog, saying and I quote, "If you have something to say, keep it to yourself." And that's where it all began. Roadhog tried to explain he was in character, being replied to as follows; "I NEVER CONSENTED TO FEEL HATED??" We tried to explain that he was just in character, but Kat still failed to listen. "Then why are you so goddamn mean? I didn't do ANYTHING to you! All I've done is be nice and joke around! I'm already sick of the role you're playing. Screw off and be a narcissist somewhere else, thx" This is where more of us got involved. Junkrat had to go from how bad Kat was being, and Roadhog kept trying to go away from the server to help his partner (they're dating and I am very happy for them). Kat only got worse and worse (im going to type these the best I can; exactly how they were written with some exclusions of curse words): "What, did I trigger them by calling your mean ass out?" "HOW ABOUT YOU SHUT UP AND ACTUALLY GIVE ME A REASON TO TREAT YOU WITH RESPECT" We all of course sided with Roadhog because of how much Kat exploded over the small misunderstanding. We would either defend Roadhog's point or try to calm Kat down (I was trying to calm Kat down). Then Kat brought up a completely different issue; "The passage aggression! And then them ignoring me, being the first to stop my jokes, talking over me." Where Junkrat, who was calm and ready to defend his partner, responded in a very calm way; "You do realize his headphones are broken? He can only hear through one ear."

Kat responds, "You do realize I'm loud, right?"

Where Junkrat also calmly shoots back, "You were really quiet on my side." I'm not allowed on voice chats due to strict parents, but I did at one point join a voice chat to play Overwatch with Junkrat and Moria, and they even noticed I was quiet. So it goes on for a bit, and I'm shifting from calming Kat down, to defending Roadhog. 

My most apologies, for I believe the admins deleted the last few parts of this time wit Kat, so I am going to type it out the best I can from the top of my head. I'm still defending Roadhog. Some of the people had already left to go to bed. Suddenly, Kit turns on me and calls me some slur I forgot. That is the moment I snapped. I cannot remember distinctively what I said, but I do know that I said they were being completely irrational and that they were causing everyone stress! That I had barely known anyone in the server for a few days and I already knew no one needed the stress and that if they wanted to keep being a pain in the ass, they could leave. I, of course, said it in a much more angry and not so formal way. I had to get off for a few hours that night because I felt like hurting myself from the stress. I was very thankful that some of the other came to me via DMs and help consult me. I then never heard form Kat again.

At least that's what I wish happened.

Cut to a few days later, I'm in our newly built RP channels with Junkrat and Roadhog. I was having a ton of fun with having Horizon interact with the Junkers! We were a day or two into RP and our next move was to have the three go find food. And you can guess who jumped in out of nowhere. That's right. Kat. Their character, who had nothing to do with the server junkers, came and flopped themselves in. I didn't say anything. I had a good idea. Horizon is a very brute character. She will ignore anyone she does not deem interesting or as a threat. She can completely ignore Kat and I won't conflict with them anymore. I liked this and was going to go with it. It went well. For two minutes. Suddenly they break RP to say this; "What if (oc name) drags them to his family reunion!!! Loud spanish shit!" Their character was Cuban, yes. I didn't like this idea for two reasons. One, I wanted to keep my contact with Kat to a minimum. Two, I didn't like filler ideas. So like any other person would have done, I voiced my opinion; "Horizon hates people. I don't see her going to any sort of family gatherings." 

Junkrat jokes, "Junkrat would blow everyone up"

Roadhog adds on, "Roadhog would want to murder everyone"

Then Kat doesn't get the message, "Ok, here's the plan. Make them starve, then (oc name) will say 'hey ik where we can get food, but you cant bring weapons'"

I retaliate; "Look. Flat out, I'm not 100% liking the idea. It serves little to no purpose other than being a filler."

"But this whole rp is a filler!"

"Actually, this RP is helping me with develop Horizon and her place with the Junkers."

"annnnnnd i havent developed my oc nor his family at allllllll"

"But will this help Horizon's case? No. Will I develop her by taking an anti-social person hardened by hardships of her past to a giant Hispanic party where shes to this day paranoid of her scars? Not really. I'm sorry, its just that unless it has more purpose, I don't see any use of it and I'm not on board."

and I know Kat doesn't take this lightly, because they tell me, "Have any better ideas, smartass?"

I took a deep breath, said I would only be in DM's, and blocked Kat. A week later, I found they left the server. And to this day, I have not seen them again

[queen-of-deans-booty]

All Hell Breaks Loose Part One- Part 3

Pairing: Dean x Reader

Word Count: 1,932

Warnings: Typical Supernatural violence, language, angst, minor character death, blood, you know the usual

Author’s Note: I do not own anything from Supernatural. All credit goes to their respective owners. If you’re a junkie for this sort of thing, then a tag list is the right thing for you! If you want to be a Queen, I’ll add you to that list too! Any and all comments on these are appreciated. I really want to hear what you guys think about this one!

AHHHH This season is almost done!!!!! Just ONE more episode left! If you’ve been catching along with this series, this and the next episodes is what I wan to hear your thoughts on!

Feedback is the glue that holds my writing together.

Tags at the bottom

You jolted up with a gasped, seeing how it was morning already. You were glad no one killed or tried to kill you in your sleep. You woke up to Jake screaming at you and Sam to wake up. You looked over at Sam to see him jolt awake from the nightmare he probably had.

“Sam! Y/N! Wake up! Ava is missing!” Jake said, his eyes wide. That got you and Sam right up and the three of you rushed outside to go find her.

“Y/N will come with me and Jake, just try and find her.” Sam ordered, splitting from Jake before he had a chance to say anything else. You followed Sam, looking in the other houses and buildings that littered the town.

“She isn’t here.” You said, giving up. There were so many buildings here, you doubted she went this far out.

“Okay, let’s go back.” Sam said, walking back to the barn where he agreed to meet Jake at. As you got closer, you head an ear-splitting scream that came from Ava. It seemed as if she was back at the barn already.

You and Sam rushed to the barn, busting in. You gasped in horror and grabbed at Sam’s arm from what you saw. Ava, crying her eyes out at the fact that Andy was now lying in a pool of his own blood, dead.

“Oh! Sam! I just found him like this!” Ava screamed dramatically, making you narrow your eyes at her.

“What the hell happened?” He demanded.

“I don’t know!” Her voice squeaked up a bit.

“Cut the bullshit act, Ava.” You said with a glare. She glared at you, taking a step towards you.

“Excuse me? Our friend is dead!”

“Friend? Sam, come on. She is being such a drama queen right now. I am an expert on fake crying and that, right there, was an example of this. She did this to Andy! She killed him!” You said, accusing her.

“How dare you think I did this!” Ava yelled at you.

“Come on, Y/N, I don’t think we should blame her.” Sam started to say.

“Sam, you know how good I am when it comes to lying. I know she is lying,” You said, looking at the window sill behind Sam and nodding. You pointed to it and made Sam look. “How else do you explain the break in the salt? Andy wouldn’t do it, not when he was always scared of what was happening.”

“You believe her, Sam?” Ava asked, scoffing.

“You know, she’s right. You’ve been here for five months. You’re the only one with all that time you can’t account for. Plus, that headache you got? Right when the demon got Lily.” Sam said, putting you behind him. Ava went from this scared, overdramatic girl to one who was laughing, wiping the tears from her face.

“I had you two going, though, didn’t I? Yeah, I’ve been here a long time. However, I was never alone. People just kept showing up. Children, like us who came in batches of three or four at a time.” She said with a smile.

“You killed them? All of them?” Sam asked, horrified.

“I’m the undefeated heavyweight champ.” Ava said, proudly.

“Oh, my God.” You muttered. If only looks could kill…

“I don’t think God had much to do with this, Y/N.”

“How could you?” Sam asked, shocked still.

“I had no choice. It's me or them. After a while, it was easy. It was even kind of fun. I just stopped fighting who we are, Sam. If you'd just quit your hand-wringing and open yourself up, you have no idea what you can do. The learning curve is so fast, it’s crazy, the switches that just flip in your brain. I can’t believe I started out just having dreams. Do you know what I can do now?”

“Control demons.” You said.

“Ah, you’re quick which is good. You aren’t going to make it out of here alive, Y/N. It’s either going to be me, Jake or Sam who will kill you and I can guarantee that.” She raised her hand and you looked behind you to see the cloud of black smoke come through the window again.

Before anything could happen, Jake came up behind Ava and grabbed her head, snapping her neck easily, killing her. The demonic smoke left back out the window, glad not to be controlled anymore. You gasped and watched as he dropped her body like it was nothing.

He looked up and stared at you, the evil glint you saw when you first met him was now back in his eyes.

“Sam, come on.” You said, grabbing his hand and pulling him out of the barn. Jake chuckled and he followed you two, murder in his eyes.

“Jake, whatever you’re thinking, don’t. The demon is gone now. I think we can leave.” Sam said, seeing the look in his eyes. He had eyes for you but he wanted to murder you since it was what he was told to do.

“No, only one of us is making it out of here alive and it’s going to be me. But first, she needs to die. I had a vision of the Yellow-eyed Demon. He told me what needs to be done and I have to follow his orders or I will be the one to die and that isn’t happening.”

“No, Jake, you can’t listen to him. He lies, Y/N isn’t going to die. Neither of us will. We are going to get out here. We can kill that bastard together.” Sam tried to reason with him.

“How do I know you won’t turn on me?” He asked, unsure. You thought it would be best if you kept quiet, afraid of triggering something in him. He was already much stronger than you so it wouldn’t be a fair fight.

“We won’t, Jake.” You said very gently.

“I don’t know that.”

“Okay, look,” Sam said, taking the knife you found earlier and showed Jake, placing it on the ground to show some peace between the three of you. “Just come with us, Jake. Don’t play into his games. You’ll end up dead.”

After a moment or two, Jake nodded and placed his weapon on the ground next to Sam’s. You had a feeling this wasn’t over yet and that feeling proved to be true when Jake punched Sam. Jake, already being super duper strong, sent Sam flying through the air, crashing on the ground.

“Sam!” You yelled, glaring at Jake who was walking to you.

“You’re turn sweetheart. I’ll make it quick because you seem like a nice girl but this has to be done.” He said, getting closer to you. Panic surged through your veins and you didn’t know what to do. The weapons were behind Jake and Sam wasn’t much help right now. He will kill you if he got his hands on you.

You felt yourself panicking even more when he got closer and you shot your hands out to protect yourself. A burst of magic left your hands, hitting Jake right in the stomach, sending him toppling over. You gasped, thinking how you thought only anger or Dean being hurt would make this magic come out. But you guess panic will do the same thing.

Good to know.

You rushed to Sam, sliding on the ground when you got close enough to him. He groaned and looked at you, sitting up.

“Sam, we have to go.” You looked up to see and even more pissed off Jake come storming to you. He realized that he needed to get rid of Sam before he can get to you. You barely got Sam up on his feet when you felt the wind being knocked out of you.

Jake had used half of his strength to push you away from Sam, throwing in a few punches. Sam had enough of this and he punched back, fighting with Jake. You tried to catch your breath and you looked up to see Jake and Sam fighting, Jake winning.

You groaned and forced yourself to get on your feet, looking around until you spotted the weapons on the ground. You looked back at Jake and Sam, knowing Sam could hold his own for a while. You slowly moved to the weapons, keeping an eye on Jake who seemed to be too busy with Sam to even notice you.

You grabbed the iron rod that Jake carried instead of the knife. You didn’t want to kill him, no, just knock him out until you figured out what to do with him. You finally got enough air in your lungs to start running and when Sam looked like he had enough, you raised the rod, striking Jake on the head very hard.

You made sure not to kill him but he did go down, unconscious. You dropped the rod and then that’s when you heard it.

“Y/N! Sam!” You looked up and smiled when you saw Dean and your dad, with flashlights.

“Dean!” You were so glad he was okay. You grabbed Sam’s arm and put it over your shoulder to help him walk since he was weak from the beating he took.

“Dean! Bobby!” Sam said with a weak smile, slowly but surely walking closer to them.

“Sam! Y/N! Look out!” You only had enough time to turn your head to see Jake coming at you with the knife. Your eyes widened and you shoved Sam out of the way so he wouldn’t get hurt. You were going to use your magic but it was too late.

You froze when the blade of the knife sliced through your body, coming out the other end. You gasped and looked down, seeing the bloody tip of the blade that was right through your chest. Jake twisted the knife and you gurgled up blood as he pulled you closer.

“I told you, you weren’t leaving here alive.” He said before taking the blade out and running away.

“No!!!” Dean yelled, making a run for you as you fell to the ground and on your knees. You knew what was going to happen next but you weren’t sure if Dean or even Sam was ready for that. Dean slid to the ground in front of you, seeing how pale you looked.

He grabbed at your shirt, trying to get you to look at him but you could feel your life slipping away. Sam rushed and got up, not caring about himself as he checked your wound.

“Dean, it’s bad.” Sam said. Dean pressed his hand over your wound but the blood kept pouring out. You leaned forward in Dean’s arms, too weak to hold yourself up.

“Hey, Y/N, look at me, okay? It’s not that bad. Don’t listen to Sam. Y/N! Y/N, please look at me,” Dean said with tears in his eyes., You so badly wanted to look at him but you didn’t; couldn’t. “Don’t worry, we’re going to patch you right up. You’re going to be as good as new.” Dean touched your face but you were just on the brink of death. You watched as Bobby ran after Jake, leaving you alone with Sam and Dean.

“Dad…” You said as you took your last breath. Your body slumped forward in Dean’s arms as your eyes slid close, lying in Dean’s arms.

“No! No, no, no, no, no, Oh, God, Sammy! Sam! Do something! No!!!” Dean yelled, letting the tears fall freely. There was nothing Sam or even Dean could do now.

You were dead.

The Queens:

@maddieburcham1 @ginamsmith​ @mogaruke​ @whit85-blog​ @inlovewithbja​ @spn67-sister​ @kdfrqqg​ @jarpadandjensenaremyheroes​ @roxyspearing​ @supercalifragilistic26 @mishamigose​ @cobrakai1967​ @essie1876​ @wishedworld​ @crispychrissy​ @laqueus-ludovicus​ @nostalgic-uncertainty​ @jerk-bitch-and-an-angel​ @potterhead1265​ @starswirlblitz​  @untitled39887​ @ta-n-ja​ @deans-fallen-angel-boy @scarletluvscas @notnaturalanahi​ @tahbehonest​ @stay-in--place​ @dreaminofdean @posiemax​ @donnaintx​ @mikey1822​ @alexandriajanae4​  @li-ssu​ @just-another-winchester​ @obsessivecompulsivespn​ @emoryhemsworth​ @newtospnfandom​ @mizzezm​  @goldenolaf25​ @jessikared97​ @wh1sp3r1ng-impala​ @charliebradbury1104​    @queen-of-moons-peace-out-bitches @becs-bunker​ @atc74​ @lemonchapstick​

The Dean Beans:

@akshi8278​ @mega-mrs-dean-winchester​ @winchesterandpie​ @spn-dean-and-sam-winchester​ @carribear31​ @tacklesackles​ @oreosatmidnight​ @not-naturalfangirl​ @missselinakitty​ @iam-a-cutiepie​  @kristendansmith​ @milo-winchester-4ever​ @jensenackesl​ @codyshany316​ @pheonyxstorm​ @helllonearth​ @juniorhuntersam​ @pouterpufftrain​ @ruprecht0420​ @shut-ur-face-and-get-in-the-car @carriemichelle2012​ @aubreystilinski​

Series Rewrite Junkies:

@helllonearth​ @amyisabellal​ @deanwnchstr​ @caseykitten6​ @quixoticcat​ @supernaturalblogging​ @notmoose45​ @crowleysminion​ @mina22​ @tahbehonest​ @hadleymcallister2177 @destielsangels​ @spnhybrid @oreosatmidnight​ @valerieshubin​ @seninjakitey​ @flyonlittlewinchester​ @aubreystilinski​ @rocketqueeens​  @emilygracespellins​ @earthtokace​

[the-jade-goblin]

whats toxic about asrian? devs explained they were two adults who made mistakes and they're going to be endgame in a route. we dont know their whole story so it's a bit curious to say its toxic? just want to know your reasoning behind it. is it over the fandom's portrayal of it or?

i knew this question would come up. i shouldnt have to justify or explain myself to anyone, but since you asked politely i’ll explain

look, i do not care what the devs say about asrian. speaking as an abuse survivor, that relationship makes me extremely uncomfortable, and its very triggering for me. it reminds me very vividly of my last very abusive relationship, which makes it toxic to me.

just because the devs say it wasnt abusive, doesnt make it so. to use a phrase from a friend, would fifty shades of grey by any less abusive simply if the author claimed its not? no. its still an abusive piece of trash relationship.

the fact that is going to become endgame again frankly disgusts me bc those two are not good for each other, their relationship is not and cannot be healthy and they should be kept far away from each other, they’re unhealthy for each other and both of them only bring each other unhappiness. 

i identify with julian very strongly, and in asrian i see my abuser in asra. julian, like me, is extremely insecure and vulnerable, possibly also suffering from mental illness, at least we know he is over-stressed, suffering from some form of ptsd and has been emotionally abused to the point where he literally cannot understand that he doesn’t hve to earn affection he can just have it, and he enjoys pain, the only thing he thinks he’s allowed to enjoy. that says to me something has happened in his past relationships to make him feel that way, and since asrian is the only past relationship we know about, im pointing the finger at asra. 

they hate each other and were horrible to each other. and since asra is made to be in love with the apprentice at the same time is like an extra wtf on asra’s part bc why would you be having sex with someone you dont like while you’re in love with someone else for one thing, and asra did not have to enter that relationship with julian in the first place! he had a choice and he chose to hurt julian

julian is a vulnerable man, and yes he’s an adult and capable of making his own decisions bad or good but so is asra, and asra took advantage of that. whether he meant to or not is not the issue, i love asra but he hurt julian, rather badly, and julian in turn hurt asra. its a bad relationship

i’m now going to use a direct quote from a friend of mine who i wont disclose here bc i dont want any hate to get back to her but she puts it better than me 

“if you know you don’t like someone and you’re just gonna hurt them why…have sex with them…why do that to your friend…….like I know Julian said yes and was pushy but Asra could have just. Kept saying no. He would’ve realized it was a No eventually.”

people can argue that julian consented all they want, it doesnt make it any less gross and it gives asra no right to do what he did. i consented in my relationship and it made it no less abusive what my ex did to me

im also tired of people, in this fandom especially, screaming over the top of people who dare to criticise their beloved fandom. you can like stuff while still criticising it people get woke.

this is not a hate on asra btw, i want to make that clear. i do love asra, i love all the cast besides the trash bag that is lucio, but i can still recognise that what he did in the past is wrong. 

but people in this fandom have a tendancy to yell over the top of legitmate concerns, like the poc fans who were getting hate from those people insisting asra was white, and then getting more hate when the devs poor response wasnt good enough representation for them, the people who it directly affects and who know what theyre talking about but no the white fans have to yell over the top of them to shut up bc theyre being whiny.

i wont let people yell over the top of abuse survivors on this count. i dont care if the devs say asrian wasnt abusive, bc to me, it was and it is. if they didnt mean to portray it as abusive thats another matter, but people who are actual survivors saying that asrian reminds them directly of their experiences means something. we’re not saying this for fun, we’re not saying it to argue with the devs or people who like/ship asrian, we’re saying it to be heard and listened to.

whatever people want to ship, thats totally fine im cool with it whatever, but i dont and i wont find it anything other than toxic, abusive and uncomfortable. 

if you like asrian, thats cool. im of a mind to let people ship whatever they like, i would never tell anyone they cant ship something just bc i find it uncomfortable, and i would prefer people give me the same courtesy and just tag stuff

[mental-health-advice]

Submission from Butterfly

hi, i started noticing stuff about myself and im not sure if it means something or not. As a kid I was very quiet and somewhat reserved, and I always had a very active imagination/ I was always really really shy with people and often struggled with socialising. I avoid eye contact with people, still to this day but better. I always played this game while walking, like i need to step on dark colours with my left foot and light colours with my right, and i still do today. (p1 )tag as butterfly

butterfly p2. At the same time I rub the respective fingers together of my hands, so I rub my thumb with my right or left finger while I do this. I know its weird. I also had an extreme fear of germs as a child and washed my hands obsessively, I still have it today but am able to control it better. I like to have a certain routine and stuff after I shower for example, or somethings I simply can’t do something in that moments because it doesn’t ‘feel right’ or something.

butterfly p3. I can’t describe it, its like I cant do my hwk just anywhere/anytime, the environment and everything has to align for example, my room has to be clean and I have to be clean and I have to be in the right state of mind and it has to be the right time etc. I get random bursts of impulsively cleaning my room, i think it helps 'cleanse’ things and 'restart’ so I can do work or something.

butterfly final. I hate watching vulgar things like explicit violence in movies because then it feels like the rest of the day is 'tainted’ and i will associate whatever I do with that and those thoughts. Therefore I cant do anything I know I sound like a crazy person and thats why Im afraid to explain these feelings to other people. I also like to associate things like numbers to different colours.I don’t really get it or why I do these things. Is it just habit or preference, or something else?

Hi darling,

I’m sorry to hear that you’ve been struggling with this lovely! I think it’s good to question why you’re doing these things, as that’s a big part of finding out whether some form of treatment would be necessary/helpful, or if there are other ways you can manage this. I’m going to address the last thing you’re managing first- how you associate numbers with different colours. I think it can be good for you to look into synaesthesia (for example on this website). This is where a sensation in one sense (seeing a number) triggers a response in another sensation (colour). There are a lot of different types of synaesthesia, although what you describe seems to one of the most common ones. Often people with synaesthesia at first don’t realise this is something other people don’t experience, until for example it comes up in a conversation. Synaesthesia generally isn’t perceived as a bad thing.

Before I give any suggestions, I want to stress that I’m in no way a professional and therefore can’t be sure on what’s going on. We don’t recommend self-diagnosis for the reasons listed here. I can make a suggestion, but within mental illnesses there’s a lot of overlap of symptoms. Having said that, it’s also possible to experience symptoms of a certain mental illness but not to be diagnosed with that mental illness if for example it doesn’t limit you a lot in your ability to function.

A possibility is that you’re dealing with obsessive-compulsive symptoms, which could potentially be professionally diagnosed as OCD (Obsessive-Compulsive Disorder). We have a page series on obsessive-compulsive and related disorders that I think can be really good for you to read through. There’s a lot of information on there that could give you a lot of insight in what you’re dealing with, even if you do not end up being diagnosed with OCD.

I’m afraid I can’t give an answer to your final question, whether this is just habit or preference, or something else. That is something a professional will have to find out and look into. If it’s affecting you, I think it would be really good to visit your GP / local doctor and ask for a referral to a therapist, psychiatrist, or other mental health professional. You can read more about getting help here as well. I hope this was helpful, even if I couldn’t answer all your questions.

Sometimes what seems impossible, is just hard.

Keep fighting beautiful ❤

Love Pauline

[fuck-customers]

this story is a happy ending, but not quite. last time i jotted a story i told about how my site manager, (calling him D) did a no call/no show 8 times in the past 4 months, the establishment i work for got tired of his shit and contacted the CEO of my company (ill call him A) because the District manager ( calling him B) sat on his fucking hands doing NOTHING about it.  so i call the CEO expressing my feelings as well, explaining how i disapprove that the Valet company is completely disregarding D's  tardiness. well the district manager C came down, said his howdy doos to me and interviewed some potential new guys for the site, because they filled out the papers to fire my site manager D and just need his signature.  some time passes, and C comes back to me, explaining that i AM getting some form of manager position ((hurrah!!)) but im getting either a $3 pay increase as a full manger or $1.50 increase, sharing manager responsibility between myself and an ex-manager called J.  but before C pulls the trigger on this all, he wants to have one final talk with D, because he wants to get to the bottom of this and find out why he kept skipping out of work. and whatever piss poor excuse D made was good enough because that motherfucker C came back to me and proposed this horse shit idea of making D one the employees under me... but with a catch so we are not at each others throats; this is not how he worded it but how ive been explaining it to friends: me and D both have a figurative "bureaucratic dueling gun with one bullet" in out respective back pockets, if D does anything messed up and shitty towards me, I can pull the trigger and get D fired, and visa versa if I treat him like shit he can pull off and get me fired. and stupid ass me, hyped-up on the prospect of a 3 dollar/hour pay gain nodded my head and kissed ass to C.

if D becomes one of my employees, whats stopping him from being disgruntled and completely ruining the site? he's gonna be mad at me for being the new manager, hes already upset at W((my coworker)), hes gonna be furious at the Establishment we work at for tattling on him. and whats worst is among all this bullshit C is doing and saying things to cover his own ass; im literally an earshot away from him making a call to the CEO dubbed A saying "oh well I'll just play it off as if didn't know about his, ill claim if I was informed sooner I would've made immediate actions." WHICH WE DID. THE 3RD AND 4TH TIME THIS HAPPENED WE CALLED C AND HE DID JACK SHIT NOTHING. hell! my valet company has a HR team, they don't have enough collective brain cells to see one of their employees is blowing off work?? eight times?? like if I did TWO, if I blew off work TWICE id be gone. like, I cannot understand why C is going to such extravagant lengths to keep D on the payroll. all he has to do is say "I am so sorry that MY employee has been doing this, that is very wrong and I understand how much this impacts your establishment. I will make sure to rectify this mistake by firing the bad employee and hiring a new one for you" and then act on his words .... Friday the establishment gets a hold of what is and isn't happening and they are furious; they went up their chain of command and got the highest person among their ranks to call/email A and tell him that "we do not want D working with us anymore, he has been a huge detriment to our company and would like this situation straighten out immediately" lo and behold C filed and confirmed the papers to make D a normal employee the VERY LAST SECOND so that D is locked in as an employee come Monday, and how coincidental that C and A aren't in their offices Saturday and Sunday~!~ so this problem cant be corrected until Monday~! fuuuuuck meeeeee :'D since im the manager now im sticking his ass at the other entrance, I KNOW how shady he is and he will probably stop at nothing to set me up for failure and get me fired. how easy would it be? find the one car I forget to lock and steal a GPS or some shit, hell stick it in MY car and wa-bam id get canned. I guess ill have to be extra precautious and *~*~*customer friendly*~*~* just to cover my keister can this post be tagged #happy ending #but not really TLDR; manager no-called-no-showed too much, we tried to get him fired but the district manager is bending back forward to keep him on the payroll. I am now the manager but I have to put up with his shady shit for 6 hours Monday