#because my mum fucking loves svu

[twobruhsinahottub]

TW // some level of manipulatation/gaslighting? But like...in a lighthearted jokey way?

What if i just lied about my birth name. What if i told yall its Olivia after Olivia Benson because ky mum loves SVU? What if I said that it was on her list of baby names for that reason anyway? What if that was also a lie? But what if all of this is actually true? How would you know? Or what if my birthname was Sunny and i just changed one letter to make it Sonny? How would you ever know whats true?

[navalcriminalimagines]

This clearly wasn’t what I had planned from the beginning. Like I said in a post a few days ago, this fic was supposed to be a two-part things. But I guess I’m getting carried away?

Aaaaand since I’ve been watching Suits lately (I’m on season 5), idk, Harvey just fit in this (or maybe it’s just that I’m in love with this fucking character). Anyway. I’m not sure this can be consider as a Suits x SVU crossover, just yet. Maybe eventually it would? But if you don’t watch Suits, don’t know who Harvey Specter is, this won’t be a problem to read this for now.

I hope you’ll like it. Sorry not sorry about the cliffhanger 😌 Part 3 coming soon! Part 1 here.

Pairings: Rafael Barba x Reader, Harvey Specter x Reader

Baker - 2

December 1996

You haven’t seen Rafael since his birthday and the kiss in your basement - your very first kiss. You didn’t have a choice but to pretend that everything was okay, that you didn’t feel a void in your chest and in your life, but every new day was harder than the other. You couldn’t stop thinking about him, about what that kiss could possibly mean to him. Did he like you? Was he attracted to you, in any way? What about Yelina and the wedding? Did he tell her what happened? Probably not. Yelina is a Latina and she doesn’t take shit. If she knew, she would have come to you. And if that would happen, your brother would know about it and that would be catastrophic. AJ is overprotective of you, maybe more than your father is. If he knew that his very best friend for years kissed, he would lost it. Him and Rafael had been through a lot together, if their friendship came to an end because of you? You wouldn’t survive it.

Truth was that there was nothing you could do about it. You just had to keep it to yourself and pretend that it never happened. But how could you when you remembered exactly how his lips felt on yours? How soft he was, how his tongue felt like fighting with yours.

But you also remembered the aftermath. The horror on Rafael’s face when he pulled away. Disgust. That’s what was on his face when he realized what he did. He was disgusted by the kiss, by…you. That brought a whole new kind of pain in your chest.

You had been baking a lot since then. After baking his birthday cake, you realized how much you loved it, and it was your way of forgetting about the rest. It became your escape.

Christmas was just around the corner, so of course you were baking Christmas cookies for your family. “I love everything you bake, baby, but if you keep going, I’m gonna get fat and your mum is going to leave me.” Your father joked as he tried to steal one cookie, but you slapped his hand away.

“They aren’t decorated yet,” you told me. “And mum would never leave you. Even when you get bald.” You joked back. His growing baldness was a sensitive subject that you and your brother kept teasing him about. He growled, stole the cookie anyway and took a bite.

“You want to speak about something sensitive? How are your SATs going?” He smirked.

“Go away,” you said, with a small smile.

To be honest, you’d been thinking a lot about your professional future lately. Maybe baking was your thing. Maybe it was what you were supposed to do. Not that you would ever admit it was because of what Rafael said. “You should be a baker.” He told like it was the most obvious thing.

But how to know for sure? Just because you love to bake at home didn’t mean you'd love to do it for a living, right? But sometimes late at night, you imagined yourself owning your own bakery and you couldn’t help but smile at the thought.

“What if baking is my thing?” You called out to your father who was now sitting on the couch, watching tv.

“Then you’ll go to whatever university that gives you this opportunity,” he answered like it was the most common thing. You sighed, walking to the living room, with the icing in your hand.

“But how do I know for sure?” You asked him.

“Tell you what, honey. I don’t have any baker as clients, but I do have restaurant owners. I can ask around, see if someone would take you in for an internship.”

“Really? You’d do that?”

“There’s nothing I wouldn’t do for you, your brother or your mother, so yeah. Guess I’ll eat at Lincoln’s restaurant on Monday.”

“I knew there was a good side of you being a lawyer for the riches.” You laughed before going over to him to kiss his cheek. “Thanks dad.”

You started to walk out of the living room when your father spoke again. “Baby, can I ask you something?” He asked. You turned around and waited for him to speak. “Are you okay?”

“Yeah, sure. Why?”

“Nothing. Your mum thinks something’s wrong with you lately.”

“Everything’s fine,” you lied and disappeared.

This wasn’t good. Your mother could read you like a freaking open book. If she knew something was wrong, it wouldn’t be long before she asks you about it and you knew for a matter that you wouldn’t be able to lie to her. You never was.

On Sunday, your brother came over for lunch like every other Sunday. He has his life of his own now, but your parents made a point to have these moments as a family. There were many times where Rafael would join in, especially when they were younger, but that didn’t happen in a while, and it probably wouldn’t happen again. Maybe that was for the best. The less you saw him, the better, right?

“Y/N, you’ll have to call Rafi soon. Yelina wants you to be the flower girl.” AJ said in the middle of lunch.

“The flower girl? What am I? Five?” You answered, clearly offended.

“Don’t snap at me. I’m just the messenger.” He rose his hands in surrender.

“Yeah well, you’ll tell Yelina thanks but no thanks.”

“Don’t you want to be a part of Rafael’s wedding, honey?” Your mother softly asked.

“I do, but not as the flower girl.” As the bride to be.

“Call Raf anyway, okay?”

You nodded with a ‘yeah, whatever’, which was a deep give away. But you didn’t bother to care at this moment. The flower girl, seriously? And what Rafael said when she asked that? Probably not that he had his tongue in your month just two months prior. You were pissed at him, and pissed at Yelina. You weren’t a kid anymore, why the hell would she ask such a thing?

Later in the afternoon, your father and your brother were watching some sports while talking about work. Since your dad got your brother a job at his law firm, they never take a break. For a moment, you considered going to law school like them, you actually knew quite a few things, but it really wasn’t your thing. “Honey, can I ask you something?” Your mother came into your room, and sat on your bed across from you.

“Sure?”

“Are you in love with Rafael?”

“Mum? What the— no! Of course not, why would you think that?”

“Your reaction makes me know that I’m right to ask that.”

“Too defensive, huh?” You sadly smiled and she chuckled.

“Tiny bit,” she moved next to you and wrapped her arms around your shoulders. “You never grew out of your crush, did you?”

“It’s worse, ma. I love him. And I know he’s older than me, that he’s AJ’s best friend, that he’s engaged, but—“

“Feelings don’t disappear because you know things, baby. But yeah, he’s gonna get married, so you’re gonna have to force yourself to move on.”

For a moment, you considered telling her about the kiss, but even though her reaction was nice and comprehensive about your feelings for him, it didn’t mean it would be about Rafael actually kissing you.

“Yelina is not good—“

“Y/N, baby,” she cut you off. “I have no doubt that you’d make Rafael happy if you two were together. But he’s with Yelina, and he wouldn’t have proposed to her if he didn’t love her with all his heart—“

“Aren’t you supposed to make me feel better?” You softly sobbed and your mother held you close to her chest.

“It wouldn’t be wise of me to keep your hopes high, honey. I want your happiness more than anything,” she kissed your hair. “You’ll turn eighteen soon, you’re going off to college in a few months, wherever that is, you’re supposed to have fun, to go out, enjoy your youth. And break boys' hearts. Not the other way around,” she chuckled and so did you. “What about Harvey? It’s been a while since you talked about him.”

“He’s changed. I’ve lost count of how many girls he’s been with in the past six months.”

“Little Harvey? Seriously?”

“One and the same. Something happened to him but every time I tried to talk to him about it, he snapped at me. He’s my friend and I love him, but I’m not his personal punching ball.”

“Fair enough,” she kissed you again. “But look, honey. Live your life to the fullest, okay? Don’t let a man, a friend, or anyone hold you back.”

“Dad never held you back. I want what you and he have. I want my first to be my last.”

“I wish it was that simple. But—“

“What you have is rare, I know. I blame both of you for raising us in a loving household,” you laughed.

“I can pick up a fight or two with him, if you want.” She playfully offered.

“His growing baldness?”

“You’re going to cause our divorce.”

Maybe your mother was right. Maybe you shouldn’t let your love for Rafael holding you back. He’s getting married to someone else. For all you knew, that kiss didn’t mean anything to him. He probably saw you as a little sister and nothing more. Why wouldn’t you just date someone too?

New week, new you. You were set. Your dad was going to get you an internship or something at a bakery - there’s nothing Counselor L/N couldn’t do - so you’d know if that’s what you want to do for a living or not. And you’ll be eighteen soon, you’re supposed to have fun. Live your life to the fullest.

That’s why at lunchtime, you boldly walked up to Harvey’s table and sat next to him. It was the last week before the break, it was now or never to make up with your friend. You didn’t care about the other people at the table, or the girl’s shoulders he had his arm wrapped around. They weren’t your friends, they weren’t Harvey’s friends. He’s just the popular guy everyone wants to be around. But you knew better.

“What do you think you’re doing?” A girl asked you as the table fell silent.

“Eating?” You answered.

“Not here, you aren’t.”

You shrugged your shoulders, not saying another word. When you spotted the mushrooms in Harvey’s plate, you picked some with your fork and ate them. “What the hell is your problem? I made that for him!” His ‘girlfriend’ basically yelled at you.

“Harvey hates mushrooms.”

He didn’t say a word, but his actions spoke volume when he dropped all the mushrooms on your plate, and kissed your temple. You did miss your friend. “Don’t kiss her!” You heard from the blond.

“I do what I want,” he just said. And after a short argument, she was so upset that she left the table.

You didn’t befriend the people at the table, you just ate in silence, but made sure they knew you were there. Maybe you were going territorial with Harvey, but it wasn’t like something he never did. You remembered three years prior when he invented a big old lie so Jake wouldn’t want to be your friend anymore.

“Harv. Do you wanna come over tomorrow after school? We can study for the math test together.”

“I have practice, but can I come after?”

“Sure.”

That Monday night, your father came home with great news: you are expected at a bakery on Saturday morning, 4am. You wanted to know if it was for you, so that was your opportunity. Around 11pm, you were looking through baking books, learning about techniques, tastes and recipes, when you heard noises in your backyard. Your parents were already in bed. You took a look, and within seconds, Harvey appeared on your balcony. You jumped from fear, almost yelling, before you recognized him. “Harv, Jesus. You scared the hell out of me!” You yelled-whispered, after opening your window.

“Can I come in?”

You nodded and let him in. He clearly was freezing since he was only wearing a sweater. He sat on the edge of your bed, and you put a blanket over him. “What are you doing here this late?” You asked.

“Don’t want to stay at home. Can I sleep here?”

“I’ll agree if you finally tell me what’s going on with you?”

Harvey dropped his head, avoiding looking at you. You stepped between his legs, wrapping your arms around his shoulders. You felt his cold hands in your back as he held you close to him. With his head buried in your neck, he finally opened up. He told you about his mother cheating on his father, and how she asked him to lie about it. He told you how horrible he felt about lying to his father, but he also knew it would break his heart if he found out. So, he just shut up.

But staying at his house was becoming too much for him. “I can’t wait to go off to college.” He whispered.

“Where would that be?”

“Boston. Harvard, hopefully. What about you?”

He wasn’t as cold as he was when he arrived. You sat on the bed next to him and handed him a brochure. Culinary Institute of America. “You want to be a chef?”

“Baker.”

“Since when? I never saw you bake.”

“Yeah well, now I do and I love it.”

“Do you have anything baked right now? I’m starving.”

“I can check if my dad didn’t eat all of the cookies I made this weekend.”

You went downstairs. There were only two cookies left, so you took them with a glass of milk and went back to your bedroom. Harvey was laying on your bed, in just a t-shirt and jeans. He even got his socks off.

“That’s my side.” You told him. You didn’t give him the cookies or the milk until he moved to the other side of the bed - with a growl.

“Shit, that’s really good.” He said, a month full of cookies.

“It’s just cookies.”

“Best cookies I ever had.”

You talked for an hour about everything and anything. It has been months since you two were together and you had a lot to talk about. But it was only after you both lay down side by side on your bed that you asked what you really wanted to know.

“What did I do to you, Harvey?”

“Come on, you know it.” He answered with a small chuckle.

“I wouldn't be asking if I did! Was it because I opened my mouth about your behavior?”

“Nah. I know you’re right about that.”

“Then why did you snap at me? Why have you been avoiding me?”

He turned his face to you. You could make out his features thanks to the outside light. “Rafael.” He whispered.

You propped yourself on your elbows. “What about him?” You said, defensively.

“You’re in love with him.”

“I’m—“

“I’m not an idiot, Y/N.”

“He’s AJ’s best friend,”

“Yeah, so?”

“He’s twenty—“

“Y/N, you can deny all you want. I know what I saw.”

You let your head hit your pillow and sighed. “What if I am? What does it have to do with us?”

“I wish you’d look at me the way you look at him.”

“Harv—“

“It was hard to be just your friend. I’m not good at sharing.”

“I know. Jake.”

He laughed. “He was a dick anyway.”

Silence filled the bedroom for a moment.

“Rafael is getting married in two months. On Valentine’s Day.”

“Not to you, right?”

You punched his thigh and he grabbed your wrist midair. “Need a date?”

“Not sure I have a plus one option, but I can still ask.”

You and Harvey eventually fell asleep next to each other, fingers intertwined. You didn’t think this through, completely forgetting that your mother usually wakes you up. When you opened your eyes, saw her staring over you, and felt Harvey’s fingers between yours, you panicked. “Care to tell me why is Harvey lying next to you, honey?”

“Good morning, Mrs L/N,” he answered before you. “I’m sorry, I showed up unannounced last night. Y/N let me stay.”

“I can see that. And you know you’re welcome here, Harvey. But if my husband sees you in her bed, he won’t be nice and you know it. So, to his acknowledgement, you slept in AJ’s room.”

“Thanks ma’am.”

She waited for both of you to get up, letting Harvey lead the way. She grabbed your wrist to make you face her. She clearly was asking things with her eyes. “He just needed a friend, mum.”

“The hand that wasn’t holding yours was actually gripping your hip.”

“We were sleeping. Do you know what you do when you sleep?”

“After what you told me, I just want you to be careful honey. And even if you’re on the pill, use prot—“ you rolled your eyes with a grunt and walked downstairs.

Breakfast went okay, your father brought up the fact that Harvey slept in AJ’s bedroom. He just made clear that next time he wanted to be warned about a sleepover. You and Harvey went to school together, and it felt really nice to have him back by your side.

* * * * *

“Did you call Raf, like I asked you to?” AJ asked as he joined you in the basement on Friday night. “Specter! Been a while. What are you doing here?” He and Harvey shook hands.

“What are you doing here?” You answered back.

“Dropped some laundry to mum.”

“AJ L/N, a twenty-seven year old lawyer who still needs mummy to do his laundry.” You teased him and he kicked you - which you returned.

“Raf is going to be here in a minute. You’ll go talk to him.”

“Why is he coming?”

“Why is Harvey here?”

“Answering questions with another question. You’re such a lawyer.”

“Y/N lives here, and since she invited me over, it’s not surprising that I am here. You don’t live here anymore. So, Rafael showing up here is less common than it used to.”

AJ took a sip of his beer and laughed. “What happened to the shy little Harvey Specter who was too afraid to look at me because I was his crush’s big brother?”

“He grew up. And my crush became my girlfriend.”

When you felt his arms around your shoulders, his body pressing against yours, you froze. What the hell was he doing? At any point, did you become his girlfriend. Nothing happened in the past week. Why would he make your brother think you two were dating? You looked at him, puzzled. He just smiled and kissed your forehead. “You do realize that me, my father and Rafael are going to take you upstairs and have a talk with you?”

“You and your father, that’s fair. I don’t see why Rafael would join though.”

“He’s family. He loves Y/N like his little sister. He’s joining.”

That stings. Really bad.

All you wanted to do was to scream at him about the kiss. How could Rafael ‘love’ you like a sister but kiss you so gently and so passionately? It didn’t make any fucking sense and you hated it.

And what was Harvey doing? Making your brother think that you were dating? Where was this coming from? You needed to talk to him privately before this ‘talk’ AJ already planned.

“Fine. I can take it.”

But could you?

“We’ll see about that, kiddo. But for now, take your arm off my sister.”

You understood your brother’s protectiveness, you actually found it very sweet all those years, but at this moment, you hated the fact that he was ordering Harvey something like this. So, you grabbed his hand with yours, making sure that his arm would stay where it was.

“Hey there!” Someone called out from the stairs.

Rafael.

[kim-ruzek]

They fuck you up, your mum and dad

Summary: Introspective fic. Jesse asks a question about her father and it sets off all of Amanda's worries and fears.

Warnings: mentions of addiction, gambling addiction.

Word Count: 3k

Read on AO3

Notes: So. I've been rewatching season 15 and I'm in my Amanda feels. This came into my mind last night and would not leave until I wrote so hence my first ever svu fic was born. Although, full disclaimer, I do have the personal headcanon that Nick is Jesse's father, but this is canon compliant in that Murphy is.

The title and poem is from This be the verse by Richard Larkin! (Thank you @fighterkimburgess for the suggestion).

I hope you enjoy!

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra just for you.

Amanda always knew that this day would come.

She knew it from the very moment she saw that positive pink line on that drugstore pregnancy test. She knew it when she decided that she was having her baby, that she was keeping her. She knew it when she bumped into Declan Murphy, and the reality that her baby’s father was a career UC was brought once more to the forefront of her mind.

Jesse was a perfect, beautiful baby.

Amanda had such trouble with love, never falling for the right people, never really experiencing real love. But from the very first time she laid eyes on Jesse she loved her, loved her with such a fierceness and strength that she had never felt before. Jesse was the first person who Amanda ever loved, the first love that wasn’t tainted by the darkness of the person’s soul.

Jesse was bright-eyed, beautiful, and angelic. Her soul was the most purest, untouched from any evils. And she was hers, completely and utterly hers.

Of course, that’s not true. There’s no way, biologically and scientifically, that could ever be true. A woman can’t just spontaneously get pregnant—even in the Bible, Mary was blessed by God himself, if she was so inclined to believe.

Jesse is half Amanda’s, half Declan’s. Amanda will never admit—not even to Sonny late at night—just how happy it made her that Jesse took after her in looks, that Amanda’s genes came out the strongest. It’s a petty kind of pride, she thinks, but as selfish as it is, Jesse is hers and she’s always going to happy that’s reflected in her looks.

Not that Amanda would ever love her less if she didn’t. She doesn’t think she physically could—another thing that makes her proud. One of her main wants when she became a parent was that she’d never be like her own mother, that her love would never be conditional, that if she ever had more than one child that she’d never favour the one over the other. And with the fierce certainty that erupts in her at the thought of not loving Jesse, the certainty that isn’t possible, reassures her that she’s at least keeping to that goal.

Still, there are times when Jesse pulls an expression that so strongly reminds Amanda of her old lieutenant, of Jesse’s father, that it brings up the thought, the reminder, that one day this conversation would be had, that Jesse would ask about her father.

Jesse knows who he is, knows the basics. She’s met him, only a handful of times, but she has met him. Liked him, even. They’ll never be like the typical father and daughter, but their moments together has always been positive.

Jesse understands this, knows that Declan is never really going to be around. It’ll make Amanda sadder, if it affected Jesse in any way. But truth be told, Jesse is never that much bothered by it. Not even in a way that’s just her being too grown up, but in a genuine way. A way that it doesn’t mar Jesse’s bright spirit, doesn’t bring any darkness or mess her up in any kind of way absentee parents can do.

Amanda has done good, something that some days she can’t quite get her head around. She’s given Jesse a big, loving, albeit unconventional, family that never leaves her lacking for anything.

She’s got Amanda, a mother who’d quite literally die for her. She’s got Frannie, who’s very much protective over the young Rollins’. And she’s got Billie, a sister, a playmate. Someone who Amanda hopes will grow to be a friend as well as a sister, that the two will be each other’s confidantes. That, especially in the teen years when rebellion is rife, that her daughters will have each other’s backs, even if that means helping to the other to keep secrets from her.

And she’s got so much more. Aunt Liv and Uncle Fin. Her cousin Noah. Even Uncles John and Don, and those rare occasions Nick is in town. And recently, her new uncle, Uncle Elliot. And finally, she has her Uncle Sonny. Sonny, probably the next important person in Jesse’s life aside from her. And through Sonny, even more since they had begun dating, Jesse has grandparents, aunts and uncles and even more cousins.

Jesse is so surrounded by love and people who will protect her with their dying breath. And so, even though Declan is barely present, she’s growing so self assured, with no holes or gaps in her life. This is something Amanda will always be grateful for, that she can’t give Jesse a traditional family but that it doesn’t matter, because the one she’s got leaves her whole.

Amanda had hoped this meant she’d have more time before Jesse came asking about her father.

It’s partly for selfish reasons. Because Amanda has this strong connection with her daughter—both, really—that she’s a single mother, that her daughters are hers and hers alone.

Although as Jesse grows, the less Amanda can think that. She always will of course, because it’ll never change, but it also has. It’s shifted; no longer is Jesse this small, squishy thing who needs Amanda and Amanda alone. She’s a precocious six year old, with her own personality and traits.

Jesse is, biologically, half Amanda and half Declan but she’s fast teaching Amanda just how little genes are important. Because Jesse is made up with little pieces of everyone in her life. She’s taken to using phrases and sayings that Fin uses, she keeps wanting a blazer like aunty Liv’s, and she’s got a Staten Island twang picked up from Sonny.

Amanda loves seeing this, loves seeing her family reflected in her daughter. But it also makes her panic, to cling onto her little girl and never let her go. Because she’s hers.

But this isn’t only why she almost dreaded this day. It’s still her being selfish, but Amanda thinks that everything she feels for her children could be seen as selfish, because nothing else in the world matters more than her two angels.

Declan may, biologically, be Jesse’s father, but Amanda knows who she sees as her dad, in her heart. That Sonny is her father, really. He was the first other person to ever hold Jesse, the second person she first called too, the man she loves and always wants to be with them.

He plays the games he knows she likes, helps her with her homework, takes her to her grandparents and stays with her when Amanda’s busy at work. That he had been doing this long before they were even a couple, that Jesse cuddles had been fixing his bad days ever since she was born.

In Amanda’s heart, Sonny is always going to be Jesse’s dad.

And she so desperately wants it to be true, to have biology support the truth she knows in her heart. She doesn’t put much stock in biology these days anyway, but it would make things oh so more easier. Because Amanda will always think Sonny as her daughter’s dad, but as it’s so, so apparent—Jesse is her own person.

Jesse has her own thoughts and opinions and feelings. And Declan is, biologically, Jesse’s dad. And Amanda knows that what her heart feels, thinks, knows...it means nothing compared to what Jesse’s heart does, what Jesse decides is fact or fiction.

And so Amanda has feared this day, almost. The day Jesse shows an interest in knowing more about Declan.

Fears it because it brings up Amanda’s very real worry that Jesse will reject Sonny, her worry that they’re all just playing at house and if they begin addressing how Jesse has someone else’s blood running through her veins everything will crumple before she can stop it.

And fears because, well, because Amanda’s never really been admired or respected by anyone—especially when it comes to her own blood. But that’s the thing about children, they look at you like you’re their superhero, that you’re invincible. And Amanda knows her daughters will one day see the world less black and white, and she’s prepared for this. Excited, even, because she catches herself often marvelling at the thought of how her relationship with her daughters will be when they’re adults.

But how can she explain how Jesse came to be? How she made a stupid decision and slept with Declan? That she didn’t even realise she was pregnant before Yates, a serial killer, pointed it out. Jesse knows the basics, and Amanda knows that her daughter isn’t asking for these more adult descriptions, but it ignites her ultimate worry in her. That one day her daughter will understand how she came to be, and that she’d think less of her.

Jesse is her first love of her life and the thought of her thinking lowly of her, of judging her, is one that’s too much to bare. One that has brought her to tears in the middle of night just thinking about it, just the idea of her daughter thinking of her in a negative light.

And it’s not because Jesse was conceived after a one night stand, not really. Amanda does worry about that, too, of course—same with Billie. Especially with the girls realising that Amanda made the same mistake twice, and not even with the same man.

But because the story of her and Declan is not a pleasant one. It’s messy, chaotic, unromantic.

How will she ever explain to her daughter that she was only conceived, if you trace it back to the beginning, because she is an addict, because she wasn’t strong enough to stay on the wagon, that she gambled illegally and that she risked everything.

That she only met Jesse’s father because she was outed as a cop, because she was stupid enough to put herself in a situation where being a cop can get you killed.

In general, in a weird way, Amanda feels grateful for her having that lapse. The whole thing with Nate and Lena had hit her like a truck, had stolen her breath and made everything spiral, and made her loose control. Even a year later, it hurt. The betrayal had cut deep and it robbed her of her gambling sobriety.

But then she had Jesse. But then she had stared into Jesse’s eyes for the very first time, and so much of that hurt was instantly evaporated. Because if that didn’t happen, if she didn’t fall if the wagon then, she never would’ve met Declan—she never would’ve had Jesse.

Of course, there’s a chance she still would meet him, because after all he was in charge of svu twice. But Amanda knows, knows, that had she not met him then that she’d never have slept with him, and so she never would’ve had Jesse.

It’s quite remarkable how the act of having Jesse wiped away her remaining embarrassment over it, that she finally accepted that it was just something that had happened.

But there’s always two sides of a coin. And having an addict for a mother, having it be so that your mom only met your dad because she was an addict... How could she ever expect Jesse to know that and not think less of her?

And how does she expand on how she met Declan to a curious six year old? Not quite old enough to deal with bigger information pieces, but not too young to be satisfied with an non answer.

Amanda tries to reassure herself, that at least Declan was a good man. That her conversation with Jesse is infinitely more easier than the one Liv has to have with Noah. But there’s a part of her mind that rebuffs that. That says that Noah is adopted, that Liv is his saviour, whereas she was the one who made the choices that brought Jesse and Billie into the world.

It’s not a fair rebuff. Adoption is always a tough subject, and then there’s the fact that Noah’s biological father was a rapist. That’s never going to be an easy thing to address. Although, if anyone knows how to do it—or rather, how not to do it—it’s going to be Liv.

This reassurance does nothing for her, and she once more wishes so, so strongly that Sonny was her daughters’ father. It’s so easy to just operate on that. Sonny had always been here. He had even been called dada briefly by Jesse when she was a baby.

Even Declan had noted it, on Jesse’s third birthday. He had stopped by, had interacted with Jesse. There was a moment when he was helping Amanda get the cake that he had directed her attention to where Sonny sat playing with Jesse.

“He’s good with her.” Declan had observed. Then he had said something that had taken her by surprise but will forever have a residence in her mind.

“You know, if you ever need me to sign any papers, just say the word. I’ll never be a traditional dad to her, but if you have someone... I’ll sign.” He had said. Amanda had gaped at him, unsure of what to say, but in typical Declan fashion he just moved on easily.

In all this, Amanda has one reassurance, that it’ll be easier with Billie. Billie, like her sister, had called Sonny dada before she could speak much but unlike Jesse, she hadn’t stopped. Most of Billie’s life, her memories, had Amanda and Sonny being an actual couple.

It’s not like Amanda thinks Jesse rejects the idea of seeing Sonny as her father. In fact, she’s fairly certain she does. Father day cards are always addressed to him and since they got together, Jesse’s rather gotten in the habit of just calling him Sonny, not Uncle Sonny. Amanda knows her daughter, and she knows that the dropping of uncle is because Sonny’s no longer an uncle, or at least no longer just that.

But Amanda’s fears go well beyond that. It goes to her fears of how her daughter will see her, if her daughter will think herself as a mistake, as a regret. Her wish for Sonny to be her dad just is so strong not because Amanda wishes for just an easy life, but because there’s so much that could cause Jesse strife in the story of her parents, and Amanda never wants her daughter to feel anything bad.

Jesse is so perfect, so innocent and whole. Her world is small, but filled with so much love. Amanda sees such darkness on a daily basis, and has been through such darkness, but Jesse knows only light. And Amanda knows that Jesse will one day fight her own demons; that Jesse will have her heart broken, that the world will be unfair to her someday.

That thought aches, aches, Amanda’s heart, the desire to protect her daughter from anything bad surging. But it’ll happen, and Amanda can only take comfort in that she’ll help Jesse through it, and that Jesse has so many other people to help her through it.

It’s a source of pride for Amanda that Jesse is having a stable childhood. Amanda herself had such a rocky one, had learnt that home isn’t always as warm and welcoming as it should be. It left a deep scar on her, learning that how and when she did. Sobriety is all about taking responsibility for your own actions, and Amanda doesn’t excuse her mistakes, but she understands that all the chaos she put herself through stemmed from that.

Every day at work Amanda sees just how emotional scars can have an affect on one’s self, and she personally knows that. And that’s why she has feared this day. Because Jesse’s world is whole and balanced, because Jesse doesn’t have a part of her that feels empty, lacking. Because Amanda so hopes that it’ll never change, but that she can’t know that.

Jesse came to be because of something so messy and chaotic. She wasn’t made through love, she wasn’t a purposeful action. Her arrival quite literally changed Amanda’s whole world, for the better, but there’s always the fear that Jesse will see it differently.

There’s so much Jesse can take from Amanda’s life, all with the potential to mar her beautiful life, all with the potential to leave her with scars, with the potential to steal chunks of her soul. And that is what leaves Amanda with a cold fear, because the thought of her daughter loosing a piece of herself, for being fucked up by her parents like Amanda was is something she’s so afraid off. And she’s scared that it’ll be because Jesse will become disillusioned about Amanda, that she’d see her mother only as the bad, disaster of a person she was before, and that’s what will fuck her up the most.

Amanda barely had any time to think about this, however, because she has a rather impatient six year old looking at her and waiting for an answer.

“How did you and Declan meet?” Jesse had asked. She’s never called Declan dad, never knowing him long enough, and Amanda will always feel a little happiness that she’s the only parent in Jesse’s life who’s called Mama, who’s given a title—and gratefulness, of course, that Declan doesn’t mind not being called dad in his infrequent visits.

Amanda looks at her beautiful, perfect daughter and she takes a deep breath.

“He saved me,” She answers simply. Because that’s what he did. Because Amanda got so lucky that he was undercover, that he was a kind cop, that he choose to have her back, that he was so ready to defend her to IAB, to even Liv. There’s so many parts of their story that Amanda can’t quite tell her daughter yet, but she can tell her that her dad is kind, and that’s the important thing.

Someday, she’ll have to tell the full story, and that’s when she’ll have to face all her fears. But for now, she’ll just say this and hope that this is one gene of Declan’s that comes through Jesse; that her daughter will be as kind and understanding as her father, that she’ll believe in Amanda the same way Declan did all those years ago when he saved her life. And that it’ll be enough to save Jesse herself, save her from history repeating itself.

They fuck you up, your mum and dad.

They may not mean to, but they do.

They fill you with the faults they had

And add some extra just for you.

[idkthisisjustforfanfic]

U N P L A N N E D, part five

An unexpected phone call from Harry while he was out of town certainly wasn’t what your rising level of hormones needed. You were seven weeks pregnant, nauseous at random times in the day, and still incredibly tight lipped about the tiny pea-sized human inside of you. 

But the phone call wasn’t really what had you in tears--it was his request for a FaceTime call so you could meet his mum and his sister. He promised that they were shocked but excited nonetheless, happy that you weren’t a complete stranger and certainly not just a random hook up. 

Okay, so I guess he’s a liar, Lexi laughed, unintentionally dredging up the embarrassment that slept in the pit of your stomach. 

But he swore they were excited, especially once he promised you that he didn’t make it sound like you were a longtime friend or a girlfriend. Don’t lie to them about how we know each other, Harry, don’t make it sound like this wasn’t an accident. 

So when the call came across your phone, you swallowed the panic and the nausea and hoped for the best. Lexi and Glenne sipped margaritas at the counter and pretended they weren’t there. They wrote notes on paper and slid suggestions your way. Ask about what they’ve done as a family while he’s home. Say you can’t wait to meet them in person!

It was fine enough--they wished you well and promised to meet face to face soon. His mother cried a bit and said she was happy--shocked, I’m not going to lie, but happy nonetheless. 

So you didn’t expect to hear from him for a few days. He’d be home on Sunday--he’d mentioned it in passing on the FaceTime call--so you were sure you’d have time to settle and prepare for whatever was upcoming.

But when your phone rang on the counter Thursday night, Lexi was eating a bowl of cereal in her underwear in front of an SVU marathon. You slid your thumb across the screen to answer it.

“Hello?”

His voice was quiet, you tried to do the math of what time it was there. “Hi--s’me.”

“Hi,” you paused to stand over the sink, your back to Lexi for whatever sliver of privacy your apartment could afford. 

“What are you up to?”

“Just got home from work, actually. We’re just gonna hang out tonight, kind of tired, honestly.”

He hummed in response, you could hear the sleep in his voice. You wondered where he was. In bed? About to brush his teeth? You didn’t ask why he called.

“Do you feel alright?”

“Yeah,” you reassured. “I’m fine. Kind of nauseous and just more tired than usual--but I think that’s normal.”

“Right. I feel like I haven’t seen you in ages.”

“I know,” you laughed. “It’s been a minute. What have you been up to?”

“A lot of meetings, honestly. Spent a few nights in London for a photoshoot for the album cover, merch stuff. Nothing too exciting.”

You held the phone in place with your shoulder, shifting over to the fridge to find an appetizing snack. “That sounds cool--better than getting angry emails about your font choice.”

“Yeah I can’t say I’ve experienced that. But look, I, uh, I’m glad you got to talk to my family the other night.”

You paused, a swell of emotion in your eyes. It might not have been your most cherished social interaction to date, but he hadn’t said anything to make you think it had crashed and burned. “Me too, it was almost sort of fun--aside from all the crying I’m doing.”

Lexi’s ears perked up at that, she made a face from the living room. If she didn’t know who was on the phone, she did now.

“Right,” he laughed. “S’the hormones, I guess, yeah?”

“Yeah.”

A pause. “When do you think I could, you know, see you again?”

“Dunno,” You sighed, a rush of heat on your cheeks. “You’re back Sunday and it’s a busy week at work, next week. So, maybe next weekend or something?”

“Yeah--okay, I just, miss you, is all.”

“Oh--uh, yeah, it’s been forever,” you looked over at Lexi, still pretending like she was watching TV and not eavesdropping. You didn’t know if you should say it back. Did you miss him? Sure--maybe you felt a little weird not knowing what he was up to or not wanting to text him about new symptoms, but--you didn’t know if that counted as missing him. In all honesty, you were kind of surprised he said it. 

So you settled on something in between. “Yeah--I can’t wait for you to come home. Or, back to LA, I guess.”

“I can stop by, when I land, if you’re around Sunday.”

“Yeah--I should be here, if you want.”

“Okay.”

“What time is it?”

“One in the morning,” he stifled a laugh. “I saw my dad for dinner tonight--hung out with my sister. Just getting to sleep now and wanted to see how you were.”

You licked at your lips, trying to ignore the spark in your veins when you realized that he was thinking about you. You were out of sight, but not out of mind. You expected to be out of both.

“Alright--well, I’m fine. You can sleep, you sound tired.”

“I am.”

“Okay.”

“Okay--so I’ll see you Sunday?”

“Yeah, I’ll see you then, Harry. Night.”

You hung up and set it down on the counter, surprised at the smile on your face.

Lexi looked up from the bowl of cereal she had on her lap. Eyes wide, she held your gaze for a second. “You are so catching feelings, homegirl.”

You made a face, a scoff before you retorted. “I am not.”

“Yes, you are!” She put the bowl on the coffee table and crawled over on the cushions to get a better view of you in the kitchen. “I had fun too, that sounds so cool, it’s been forever since I’ve seen you!”

You rolled your eyes--her impression of you wasn’t too far off, but she managed to raise the octave of your voice when she twirled a piece of her hair around a finger. 

“I’m being nice to him, he’s the father of my unborn child, is that okay?”

“More than fine,” she laughed, waving a hand at you. “That’s the most romantic shit I’ve ever heard.”

You settled on a spoonful of peanut butter to hold you over until dinner. You uncapped the lid of the jar. “It’s nothing, okay? We’re friends. Don’t you think we need to be friends if we’re having a baby?”

“Y/N, look--” she stood from the couch and came over to the island, watching as you dipped a spoon inside. “I love you, with all my heart. I love the little lump of cells in your uterus--and I would regret it if I didn’t say that you and Harry falling in love would just about make my 2019 altogether.”

You shoved it in your mouth and spoke around it. “Alright, well, don’t hold your breath.”

She narrowed her eyes at you, dismissing your comment before she turned to go back to the couch. “You’re obnoxious.”

“I’m reasonable and rational. Just because I got over my whole hating him phase doesn’t mean I’m in love with him.”

“Okay, first off, you never hated him. So I don’t even know who you’re trying to play.”

“Well I didn’t really like him at first. And I definitely didn’t like the idea of being pregnant with a stranger’s baby, okay? This has been a weird two months.”

“Exactly. You’re two months pregnant with a popstar’s baby--one who happens to be cute and rich and charming as fuck! And you’re saying you’re not gonna catch any feelings.”

You shook your head. It wasn’t like that. “I’m co-existing with the father of my child and being friendly. We’ve hung out, what? Maybe like, seven times? And two of which were to sign paperwork about how I won’t sue him or blackmail him and another two were for doctors appointments? That’s not exactly for fun, Lexi.”

You didn’t mean to sound so defensive--but maybe you were saying it for your good as well as hers. No one needed to get their hopes up, especially not you. 

She laughed, reached for the remote to unmute her show. “Okay--well, when you wake up one day and realize you’ve got it bad for him, don’t say I didn’t call it.”

“Okay,” you promised sarcastically, “I’ll be sure to tell you when that happens.”

**

He didn’t stop by after the airport like he’d said. His flight was delayed and by the time he landed you were fast asleep, though you did wake up to a few messages. 

Harry (11:56pm): I just landed, took so long, I’m sorry. Are you up?

Harry (12:02am): I’d still love to stop by if you are. 

Harry (12:04am): I’ll see you soon xx

You replied the next morning, promising that it was fine and you were asleep and you’d definitely, certainly see him soon. You didn’t tell Lexi that you really wanted to. 

So you had to make an excuse when she asked if you wanted to meet her for dinner on Melrose, and then you had to dodge Simone on your way out of the office on Monday. 

“You were such a help today,” she said, catching up with you when you flicked off the lights in your office and shut the door. “I never thought Carson would admit that he made a mistake, but, there’s a first for everything.”

You had your work bag over your shoulder, sunglasses on your head when you laughed. “I’m glad he took me seriously, for once.”

“You’ve been busy lately--I feel like you’re never here.”

Her comment wasn’t loaded, Simone was always encouraging everyone to have a better work-life balance. 

“I know--I’ve had a lot going on, but I’m all good.”

“You sure? Do you need help with anything?”

“No--I finalized that ad today for the new line of home tech, so--we should be fine.”

“Okay,” she smiled, a sliver of skepticism in her eyes. “Where are you off to now?”

“A friend’s,” you said casually. Not a lie. “Haven’t seen him in forever, so--just catching up.” Not completely a lie. 

She raised her eyebrows a bit. “A male friend? That’s exciting.”

You rolled your eyes. “It’s not, I swear. But I should go--the 405 is already a shit show, so.”

“Yeah, okay,” she fell into step beside you, pulling off at her office door that was only a few steps down the hall. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

The parking lot was full and the Southern California sun beat down on the pavement--you called your mom on your way to Harry’s and asked if hot flashes came along with being pregnant. She was glad you got to FaceTime with his family, but jealous, she admitted. I’ll come to town when they do, she promised. We’ll all go out to brunch!

The drive up through the hills was nice, windows down, radio hummed and made you feel as if all was normal. The butterflies didn’t kick in until you parked and walked up the front steps. 

He greeted you at the door, hair coiffed in the afternoon sun. He squinted, lips turned up at the corners when he let his eyes sweep over your figure. “Hi,” an outstretched arm to offer you a platonic side-hug. “How was work?”

“Fine,” you said, stepping inside the air conditioned walls. You let your work bag fall onto the floor beside you. “My coworkers definitely know that something is up.”

You were surprised when a look of panic didn’t cross his face. He laughed, headed over past the stairs and into the kitchen. “Yeah--why’s that?”

“Cause I’ve had to work from home a fair amount and I don’t tell them why.”

His forehead creased, worry on his face as if something was wrong.

“Just when I have a doctor’s appointment or something,” you reassured. “But normally I’d tell them why and I haven’t and then today when I was leaving, Simone--she’s on my team--asked why I was in a hurry to leave.”

“And?” He grabbed a glass from a sleek black cupboard, placed it beneath the faucet. 

“I just said I was seeing a friend.”

He handed the glass over, now filled three-quarters of the way with water. He raised his eyebrows in a triumphant smirk. 

“What?”

“You called me your friend.”

You didn’t miss a beat. “I didn’t think that baby daddy would be appropriate.”

“Fair,” he leaned his head to the side and watched as you sipped the water. After a second, he turned his back, stopped to look over a piece of paper on the counter. “Well, I’m gonna make us some dinner. Figured you might be sick of In N’ Out and seeing as take away is the only low key option, prepare yourself for a culinary masterpiece.”

You swallowed the water quickly, trying to hide the shock on your face. “Do you cook, like, ever?”

He turned around, offended. “What? Y/N are you kidding? Of course I cook.”

“Well I didn’t know if you have someone do that sort of thing for you.”

He made another face, blinked a few times as if he couldn’t believe what you were saying. “Take a seat,” he said finally, motioning to a stool on the other side of his island. “Watch.”

He diced onion, chopped up carrots. What is this? You teased. Chicken soup? 

But you were close--a roast chicken dish that his grandmother had passed down to his mom. My specialty, he promised. So you sat there for a while, you told him about Carson and the rude emails, about the possible promotion and your nervousness about what would happen when--you know--there was someone else involved. 

“Someone else?”

“A child,” you said. “You know, that thing in my uterus that we saw the other week. It’s gonna be super different when it’s here. He or she or they or whoever. I don’t know how I’m supposed to be Team Lead if I have a baby on my nipple.”

Another smirk, then a shrug. “We can get a nanny.”

“No--I don’t--we don’t need that.”

“Well--if I’m going to be on tour at some point next year and you’re getting promoted, we might need some help.”

You hadn’t ever thought that far ahead. Not past the possibility of being pregnant at work and eventually having to tell everyone that you were, in fact, pregnant. “We have friends and family, though. I don’t want my baby raised by a stranger.”

“Wouldn’t be a stranger, love,” he picked up a pair of tongs, stirred the contents inside the pan. “It’d be a nanny.”

“Well, I think it’s too soon to go there.”

He let the tongs rest on the counter. A moment of silence passed between you. 

That’s when you looked around, looked over your shoulder at the living room behind you. The arm of the couch you sat on in a tight dress--the coffee table you’d left your drink on that night when he showed you the bedroom upstairs. 

“I haven’t actually been in here since that night,” you said, your words floated towards the ceiling, large windows overlooked the backyard, a pool, sleek white chairs to lay in the sun. 

“You stood in the foyer when you told me.”

You laughed, looked over your shoulder at him. He was leaned against the counter, sunlight giving you a good look at the ink on his arms. “I kind of wiped that day from my memory.”

“I can show you--upstairs--if you want.”

“The scene of the crime?”

“The conception of our child,” he said, pointed a finger in the air to correct you. He motioned with his chin towards the stairs, started walking before you agreed. “Come on.”

So you hopped off the stool, followed him up the large staircase that twisted around itself, bringing you up to a hardwood landing and a long hall. The master ensuite was at the end, apparently, he pointed out guest rooms and a home office before he opened a set of double doors.

“Wow,” you said, almost more to yourself than to him. 

He snickered, “you’ve seen it before, remember?”

“Yeah, but, I was drunk and it was dark.”

You didn’t remember the view--but you did remember him pressing a button on a remote somewhere to draw the curtains. He laughed and fell onto the bed that night, insisting that you must have been a real trooper to put up with Lexi running lines at all hours of the night prior to big auditions. 

“Yeah--well this is it,” he said, a few steps forward towards the end of the king sized bed. “Bathroom’s over there, good tub.”

“It’s beautiful,” you said, feeling a bit uncomfortable, like somehow you were both back in that night, ghosts of your past selves tangled in the sheets.

“Yeah--definitely quite a romantic spot, so, I don’t blame us that night.”

You laughed at that, rolled your eyes when he walked over to the floor to ceiling windows, crossed his arms and took in the view of Los Angeles. You shrugged. “I mean--we could have done a few things better.”

“Hey,” he chastised, turning around with a smirk on his face. “It was a magical night!”

“Right--if you count the drunken fumbling and then, you know, the whole conceiving a child thing.”

“We were drunk but it was still--good.”

An awkward beat, pink on your cheeks before you turned around to look at the white duvet. He had to say that, right? He definitely couldn’t say it was bad or he didn’t remember or something.

“I remember almost falling off the bed at one point.”

“Right after I took your bra off--you tried to make sure it wasn’t improperly folded,” he choked back a laugh, a knowing look on his face about how you tended to be with neatness. “But in full transparency, Y/N, I wasn’t really worried about how it was folded. I was more just trying to kiss you.”

You ignored the look on his face, one that made you feel like he was flirting with you. “Then I remember you putting on a condom--like you should.”

“Right, grabbed it from the bedside table,” he went over and opened the drawer, pulling out a black and gold box, tiny foil squares inside. 

You sighed at the sight of them--the tiny devices that should have kept this from happening. A few steps forward, an extended hand to look at the box. “99% effective my ass.”

You flipped it over in your hands, he let out a sigh. 

“Harry, hold on--is this, it says expires 2018. It’s 2019.”

“What?” He reached for the box and took it out of your hands quickly, holding it closer to his face this time to look at the tiny, black numbers on the side. “Fuck.”

“Are you kidding?” You stepped back from him. “You had expired condoms and we had sex with an expired condom and that’s why this happened?”

You weren’t as angry as you sounded, mostly shocked and annoyed and honestly, sort of nauseous from all of the scents that followed you up from the kitchen.

“I didn’t know--I obviously wouldn’t have used them if I knew--I just, I hadn’t been here in a while before then!”

You let out a sigh and squeezed your eyes shut, pinched at the bridge of your nose.

He stepped towards you, his voice filled with concern. “Is something wrong? Are you sick?” 

You opened your eyes quickly, offered him a death glare. “No--I just can’t believe you’re that stupid!”

He rolled his eyes at that, tossed the box on the bed and let his hands fall against his sides. “Well, my apologies, then. It’s all my fault.”

“No--I’m not, I’m sorry, it’s just,” you opened your eyes now, rubbed at them a few times before letting him come back into focus. “That explains it. Now we know. It’s no one’s fault.”

He sat on the bed, a tiny laugh from between his lips. “I mean, it’s sort of mine.”

You couldn’t help but laugh at that, dimples on his cheeks when he looked up at you. You sat beside him on the bed and let your back hit the mattress. “Glad we’re on the same page.”

You stared at the ceiling, hoping that deep breaths would quell the nausea inside of you. In, out, in, out. Another plane was visible out the window, taking off this time, nose pointed towards the sky, bringing the people inside far away from a busy Los Angeles.

“You know,” he turned around, pulled a knee up onto the duvet when he stared down at you. His voice was quiet and the sun that seeped through the windows gave him a bit of a glow. “I have a feeling that one day we won’t regret it as much as we do right now.”

The word already left a bad taste in your mouth--regret. It was that stupid tracking app--as soon as you started seeing fruit sizes, you were done for. You could regret it or wish it hadn’t happened but the truth was that you were here and it was real and you already felt a growing love for the lump of cells that had attached to your uterine lining. 

“I know,” you said quietly. 

More silence. He watched you for a second until you stood up, heading back to the kitchen, suddenly hungry for dinner and desperate for more water. 

“This is bullshit,” you said later that night, feet up on the coffee table when he flipped through channels on TV. “Haven’t you seen those things where the guy doesn’t drink throughout the pregnancy either, cause he’s a good partner?” You caught the word as soon as it slipped out. “Not that--you know--just that most people are married in this situation.”

“I know what you mean,” he didn’t even look over at you, settled on Jeopardy before he put down the remote and picked up the glass of wine that he’d nursed through dinner. “That’s a big ask, Y/N.”

“Having your child because you used an expired condom is a big ask, Harry.”

He raised his glass of wine towards you, as if to cheers. “You’re not wrong. But I thought it was no one’s fault?”

“Well--it’s your fault I can’t have a glass of cabernet.”

He leaned over, let a hand rest on your thigh and looked you in the eyes. “When she’s here and you can drink, I’ll buy you all the wine you want.”

A thump in your chest--you’d kept yourself from taking a guess. “She’s a she?”

“Don’t you think?” He let go now, moved back to his seat and picked up his wine casually before he reached to check his phone. 

“I hadn’t thought at all, really, about it. One way or another.”

“I think it’s a girl.”

“Do you want it to be a girl?”

He pushed his lips out in thought. “No preference. Just a feeling.”

A pause--the daily double logo flashed on the screen. “Do you want to find out at some point?”

“I don’t know,” you shrugged. I don’t know when they can tell, so.”

“Me neither. We don’t have to.”

He changed the subject, then. Asked about Lexi and promised you that Jeff wasn’t upset. He had another glass of wine and showed you pictures from his trip home. One of him and his sister on a hike--another with his mom and her cat, socked feet on their couch one night after dinner. 

His world was a strange one--far away from yours but somehow it had already fully collided. At 9:30pm you decided it was best to head home. Traffic would be light if you were lucky, but a 7am wake up call was waiting on the other side of sleep. He handed you the work bag you’d dropped on the floor and offered a closed lip smile. “Can I see you again soon?”

You hesitated, slung the strap over your shoulder and tried to come up with the right response. “Yeah--I mean, if you want. I know you’re busy, you don’t--like--have to hang out with me, remember?”

He shook his head, his tone a bit harsh when he searched your eyes for an answer. “I want to--why is that so impossible for you to swallow?”

“It’s not impossible--I just, I don’t know. We don’t really know each other and we don’t have to pretend like this is anything other than what it is.”

“I want to know you. You’re the mother of my child, Y/N.”

“Fine.”

“I mean it.”

“Okay,” you said, defeated. You didn’t know if you believed him. You wanted to. But the hormones in your system were likely untrustworthy. Getting to know him meant you could like it, like him. It meant you could get attached and getting attached meant you could get hurt. You pushed the thought out of your head. You were thinking about it too much already. “I’ll see you in a few days.”

**

Jeff watched as you sat in the chair, a rubber band tied tight around your arm. “He’ll be here,” he said. “He’s just running late, I guess.”

You nodded, hoping the nurse with blue gloves wouldn’t get excited when she saw who Jeff was referring to. 

They’d decided the paternity test would be done by a third-party lab. Another doctor’s office, this time in Burbank. Jeff watched as the needle slid into your vein, a vial in the nurse’s hand soon filled. 

A knock on the door, another nurse with Harry in tow once the first vial had been replaced with a second. “Hi,” he said, a bit out of breath. “Sorry--I was doing some stuff with Emma at the house.”

You waved awkwardly, left arm still held in the hands of the nurse. She smiled in his direction, you’d watched her sign the NDA that Jeff had brought, a letter from Dave’s office, a watermark made it official. 

How awkward, you thought. Various people here and there now knew. Dr. Weston’s office. These nurses. You wondered when there’d be the inevitable meeting about coming out with it. What would be said when something finally leaked? How would you keep your privacy or your sanity when people wanted more information from you? 

“Okay,” the nurse smiled, a wad of gauze over the crook of your elbow. “All set.”

“Am I up?” Harry took a step forward, ready to climb into the chair. 

“Just a cheek swab, from you,” she replied, setting the second vial in a stand beside the first. She stuck a label on to each of them, reached for a long q-tip and then turned around. Harry opened his mouth, looked around awkwardly when she held his chin and then rubbed at the inside of his cheek. 

You crossed your arms, “everything the man has to do is easier with this stuff, isn’t it?”

Jeff laughed at that, shrugged a bit before the nurse let go of Harry’s face. He moved his tongue around a bit, smacking his lips together as if the swab had a bad taste.

It was awkward, the whole thing. Apparently Dave had decided that Jeff should chaperone, watch you get poked and prodded to ensure that the results were accurate. Nothing had changed in Harry’s demeanor, and if you took his words at face value, he trusted you. Believed you. So why, of all people, was Jeff not?

Pam--that’s what the nametag on her scrubs said--set the swab in a tube. “So we’ll send this off now and the results will be mailed to the address you listed in 5-10 business days.”

“It’s going to Dave’s office,” Jeff informed the two of you. “He’ll call you both with the results.”

You grabbed your purse and you were all on your way to the parking lot to find your separate cars in the warm sun. You wanted to ask them if they really thought you were lying, ask if you were allowed to say I told you so when the results came back. Glenne promised it was just a legal requirement. Nothing to do with you, she said. They’d make anyone do it. 

“I’m supposed to meet Glenne for lunch,” Jeff said, a hand over his eyes when he turned around. “If you guys want to join.”

You looked over at Harry, were they your friends or his? If you’d been worried about people having to choose sides, now was the moment it came to fruition. Harry stood in the parking lot, sunglasses on his face when he seemed to wait for your response. Could you both go? 

“Oh--I don’t--you can go, Harry. I should go home anyway. Lexi and I said we’d clean today.”

“I think Lexi’s coming,” Jeff pulled his phone out of his pocket to check a text. “Yeah--Glenne said we’re meeting at Fin’s for brunch.”

“You can ride with me, Y/N,” Harry stepped forward now, still waiting for you to make a call. Hesitation, a nervousness in your stomach about what Jeff thought of it all. Would he allow you to go in the same car? Or was that somehow against something you’d signed? 

But the nervousness felt like nausea and the nausea sometimes felt like hunger. So you went.

Not because your apartment wasn’t a mess, but mostly because you knew Lexi’d give you shit if you bailed. You promised yourself you’d give her shit for roping you into a group outing. She knew what she was doing. When she agreed to tag along she knew she’d signed you up for it, too. 

“If she’s not then I’m not,” Harry smiled up at the waiter, shut his menu in front of him before smiling over at you.

“You can get a mimosa,” you rolled your eyes in response. Lexi’s manicured hands clapped together when Glenne ordered a pitcher for the table.

“M’fine, water’s fine.”

The waiter disappeared and you ignored the smirk on Lexi’s face. 

“I’ve been thinking about what you said,” he turned to you again, voice quieter as if the rest of the table wasn’t listening. “I can definitely go nine months.”

“Without alcohol? Yeah, right,” Glenne laughed. “You’ll make it two weeks before you want a glass of Merlot.”

“I’ll be fine,” he scoffed, sunglasses still on his face beneath the terraced patio. “I don’t even like Merlot.”

Glenne made a face and Jeff leaned forward. “You really think you can go nine months without drinking?”

Harry set his elbows on the table, narrowed his eyes. “Care to make it interesting?”

“Place your bets, everyone,” Glenne let out a laugh and reached for the water that had already been delivered. 

“Two weeks,” you said quickly. Another shocked look from Harry when turned to see you. 

“Two weeks?! You think I’m spineless, don’t you?”

“I watched you house two glasses of wine the other night after dinner.”

Jeff raised his eyebrows at that--Glenne seemed to give Lexi a look. You tried to backtrack, suddenly worried that maybe they weren’t supposed to know you and Harry had spent some time together outside of meetings and doctors appointments. 

“Whatever, how long do you think you can go?” You pushed the attention back to Harry, he shifted in his seat beside you.

“Nine months,” He nodded. “I think I can do it.”

“I give you two months,” Jeff sighed. “Tops.”

“I vote eight months,” Lexi said, leaning forward and resting her chin in her hand. “I think your downfall will be Christmas and New Years.”

“That counts as nine months if it’s New Years,” Harry said. “She’s due in January!”

“I vote halfway. Four or five months,” Glenne leaned back and watched him. 

You sipped at your water, a bit resentful about all of it. Here they were, all talking as if everything was normal. As if Harry’s lawyer hadn’t painted you to be a liar. As if the problem here was your negligence or greed, not the expired condoms in Harry’s bedside table. As if you didn’t feel out of place at a fancy restaurant in North Hollywood, likely the only person at the table who couldn’t afford an early retirement. 

Harry het a land rest on your knee beneath the table. “I’ll do my best, and whoever’s closest, I’ll buy you a nice dinner.”

“That’s all?” Jeff teased. “No yacht or car?”

“I’ll take you to Nobu,” he raised his eyebrows, giving Jeff a look he apparently couldn’t resist. 

“So I have a question, then,” Glenne changed the subject, her voice quieter than it was before. “Have you thought about any names?”

“No,” you said quickly, hands folded in your lap. Harry fumbled with his napkin but watched as you spoke. “We don’t even--we don’t have the results yet.” You motioned back to the street--back towards the chair and the tiny room with fluorescent lights--as if you couldn’t do any sort of planning until it was settled. The parentage, as Dave had said. 

Glenne nodded, lips pursed in a line. She knew where you stood with it--she thought it was just as shitty as unfair as you did, but she was stuck in the middle. “Sweetie--we know you wouldn’t lie about it, it’s just--”

You looked at Jeff quickly, pulled your eyes back to Glenne. The waiter appeared with three glasses, placed them right in front of Lexi as if she’d drink all three. She rubbed her hands together when they were poured. 

Jeff shrugged and offered you an apologetic smile. “I know it’s shitty and awkward,” he said. “But just think about what a shit show it could be if we didn’t test it. I mean--it’s you, I get that. You’re not just some random person or something, but--we’d be stupid to not just make sure.”

“I know,” you said. “I get it.”

“Once the results are back next week Dave will lighten up,” Jeff nodded. “I’ll talk to him.”

Harry was quiet, watched as Lexi handed the last mimosa over to Jeff. After a second, he shrugged. “I like Vienna.”

You turned to look at him quickly. “Vienna? As a name?”

He nodded.

“No,” you said. “I don’t like it.”

“Or Jane. Simple, pretty.”

Lexi looked at him like he had three heads. “You already decided it’ll be a girl?”

He nodded, shifted to look at you as if he couldn’t be any more serious. “She knows I’m right.”

“No I don’t,” you laughed. “He’s crazy. If you’re worried about one of us being a nut job, it’s him,” you looked directly at Jeff. 

Harry held up his glass of water, pushed it towards the center of the table. Glenne raised her mimosa, she laughed when Lexi took a gulp before clinking hers into the circle. 

“Here’s to me being a nut job, then,” Harry laughed. “Even though I’m right.”

table of contents | talk to me + join the tag list

author’s note: HELLO AGAIN! I’m posting off schedule right now cause I know folks are home and looking for some positivity. So if you’ve got nothing else to do, read some fanfic!! Stay the fuck home, y’all. I’m a nurse. I mean it. 

tag list: @stepping-into-the-light @thurhomish @afterstylesmadeit @iconicharry @stylesfics-xx @harryspirate @mellamolayla @harryinsweatersandbandanas @stylesfantasy @clorenafila @mell-love @anssu-amry @yelllowgrass @littlesoldierelleora @styles217 @rachkon @c-h-e-r-r-y-y @myhat  @rosegoldbel @passionate-dreamerr @grammyforstyles @haute-romance-quotidienne@dontgiveupthedayjob @ursamajor603 @craic-head-horan @heavenspidey @talk-british-2-me-britbritharry @blackxxmagicc @winter-soldier-007 @ssllbb @wanderlustiing @jdcharliewhiskey  @caritocp @kaybee87 @wildbeee @hsunflowervol @harrys-medicines @tobe-sogolden @theresnooneheretosave @1d-tommo5 @soullikestyles @mrsfstyles  @you-youneverdo @fstopsteph @cock-a-doodely-doo 

[sinsiriuslyemo]

Hey all!! Sorry this is coming rather late in the day, but here is new episode of Cuba v DR!!

EPISODE 13

Rafael did come by the hospital later that afternoon, moving into Lily’s room with pink and yellow flowers and a teddy bear in his hands.

“Hey, mi niña,” he said, coming to kiss her forehead. “How are you feeling?”

She made a pouty face and hugged him and the teddy bear tight. “I gots an owie,” she tugged up her gown and pointed to her bandaged side. “But mommy and tia Emmy said I'm all better now.”

“Oww,” he cooed, pondering on whether or not to try and correct her reference to Emmy. “I’m glad you’re all better, I was worried about you. Tia Roxie said she’s gonna come too, okay? Maybe I can tell her to bring you some cupcakes from her bakery.”

“Can tia Roxie bring the chocolate chip muffins?” she asked hopefully as she patted the bed for him to come sit with her. “I'm glad you came tio!”

“I will talk to her and ask her to bring you muffins too. Anything you want, mi niña,” he answered, sitting on the side of her bed and kissing her hair. “Donde esta tu mama?” he asked.

“Mommy is talking with Tia Emmy,” she said as she snuggled up to him. “Did you come to see mommy or me?” she asked with a pouty face. She was definitely your daughter.

“Emmy isn’t your tia, mi amor, and of course I came to see you! I’ve missed you,” he replied, giving her a gentle squeeze.

“Emmy is my tia. I love her like my tia,” she said with earnest little eyes staring up at him. “So she's my Tia.”

“Roxie’s your tia, you barely spend time with Emmy anymore, mi niña,” he pointed out gently.

“But Tia is nice and she always gives me birthday presents,” she smiled. “I love Tia Roxie too! She makes me yummy treats!”

“She hasn’t given you a birthday present since you were four, honey,” he mumbled with furrowed brows.

“No, no, Tia gives me a present every year,” she said with a serious face. “Last year she brought me the Barbie castle in my room.”

“That’s a little weird,” he mumbled. “Well, just don’t call her that in front of your Tia Roxie. It might hurt her feelings,” he replied.

“Why? Tia Roxie is Tia too, I love both of them. I love everyone!”

He snorted softly and kissed her forehead.

“I know, but since Tio Rafa and Emmy aren’t together anymore, it might hurt Tia Roxie’s feelings if you still call Emmy, ‘Tia,’” he answered.

“Okay,” she nodded as you and Emmy came in the room. “Tia, you can't be my tia in front of Tia Roxie,” she announced seriously.

You snorted a laugh as you quirked a brow at your brother. “Harsh.”

“I didn’t tell her to say that, and I didn’t tell her that either,” he argued. “Still it’s semantics, we’re broken up. We’ve been broken up for two years,” he said to Emmy softly.

Emmy nodded, “Indeed we have, thank you, oh mighty time master for the calendar lesson.”

Again you laughed, “She's a tia on my side,” you said to Rafael. “Emmy and I still talk, so Lily sees her sometimes.”

“I didn’t realize you made it a habit to get so close with my exes,” he replied in his typical snark. “One would think you would make the same effort with my fiance.”

“I'm not about to correct her, I love this little one,” Emmy said as she kissed Lily's fingers, pretending to eat them and making Lily giggle.

“I'm here,” Roxie said as she moved in. “Sorry, I got caught up with the exploring and didn't see that it was visiting hours-” her gaze went to Emmy and she smiled. “Hi Emmy, your hair is so long now, it looks lovely.”

“Thank you,” Emmy replied, smiling back. “I heard the good news! Congratulations on the pregnancy, when are you due?” she asked.

Rafael glared at his ex girlfriend as you bit your bottom lip, lowering your gaze.

“How did I never noticed what a big mouth you have?” he asked.

“What’d I say? Y/N told me--”

“Em,” you whispered, shaking your head.

Roxie took a deep breath. “Its fine, she didn't know,” she smiled at Emmy. “Thank you, Emmy, they were good intentions.”

She turned her attention to Lily and smiled as she came over with muffins.

“Look what I brought you,” she whispered.

Lily frowned and moved a hand to Roxie’s face, wiping her cheek. “Tia why are you crying?”

Rafael looked up at Roxie as Emmy spoke up.

“I have to...go do my rounds,” she mumbled, sharing a look with you as she left.

“You’re another that can’t keep your big mouth shut,” Rafael whispered to you.

“I mentioned it without thinking,” you said gently and sat down on the bed behind Roxie, wrapping your arms around her and hugging her tight. “I'm so sorry,” you whispered to her.

You knew that pain, you knew how bad it could be and you knew how isolating it felt.

“I'm so truly sorry.”

Roxie pushed your hands off her and turned to you.

“Maybe you should stop sticking your nose where it doesn't belong and start focusing on your own failing marriage where your husband will barely touch you.”

“Whoa…” Rafael chimed, widening his eyes at Roxie and shaking his head. “Unnecessary.”

Roxie tensed and stormed out of the room. She felt bad, you had told her that in confidence but she was so frustrated. You stood up and moved after her.

“Watch Lily,” you said to your brother.

Lily stared at Rafael, “Why won't papi touch mommy?”

You caught her in the hallway and turned her to face you. “I fucked up, I know I did. I'm sorry, I know what it's like to lose a child and…it hurts more than anything.”

Roxie glared at you. “You don't know a damn thing. You have three living children. No one understands this.”

“Don't think for a second I don't think every day about the baby that could have been. I wonder what gender it would have been, if I would have seen dark curls of hair or if they would have been bald. Would they have said mama, or papi first, I wonder that still to this day. I know you're hurting. But so is my brother, so maybe you don't think I understand, fine. But he does, he lost the same thing you did and he's being strong for you. So don't act like you're the only one with a loss here.”

“I never asked him to be strong for me,” she whispered, shaking her head. “It wasn’t his body that failed to keep a baby safe. It wasn’t him who bled until there was nothing left inside him.”

“Your body didn't fail you, it just happens,” you said gently and took her hands. “Roxie, you didn't do anything wrong. You aren't at fault here.”

“Well I didn’t want it to just happen to me,” she replied.

“No one does,” you held out your arms as you waited for her to come to you. Once she did, you hugged her tight. “I know it hurts now,” you whispered. “But you aren't alone, we love you so much, you're my sister. Even if you never marry Rafi, you're my sister.”

“Why wouldn’t I marry Rafael?” she asked.

“I just meant that even without Rafael in the picture, you've grown into one of my best friends.”

“Really?” she asked, smiling a little.

You nodded seriously. “I mean it.” You hugged her tight. “How about we go out next week, spa weekend, just the two of us. We can relax, have some fun.”

“Oh...um...I think I would like that very much,” she answered, smiling a little.

You hugged her again very tight. “Now come on, Lily wants to talk to her tia,” you smoothed her hair back down and smiled at her, holding her hand as the two of you walked back inside.

“But tia said papi no touch mami, he did touch her. I saw him give her a hug last night,” Lily continued to argue.

“I think this is a conversation you should be having with your mother...a thousand years from now,” Rafael replied.

“Tia why doesn't papi touch mommy?” She turned Roxie who blushed.

“He does baby girl, tia said things she didn't mean because she was upset,” Roxie explained gently.

“Lies are bad,” Lily scolded.

“I know, darling. That's why I apologized to your mum outside.”

“Oh, okay,” she nodded and smiled at Rafael. “Tio will you stay here and read me stories?”

“Of course, I will. Which story do you wanna hear first?”

“Ferdinand,” Lily answered.

“Ferdinand it is,” he replied, turning his head to find the book in question on the bedside tray. “Okay….Once upon a time in Spain, there was a little bull, and his name was Ferdinand…”

By the time Nevada came back, Rafael and Roxie had headed home together.

You slept soundly by your daughter's side, only waking when the light of the door opening roused you.

“Hey handsome,” you whispered with a smile.

“Hey,” he whispered back, coming to help you out of the bed without waking Lily. “How’s this one been?” he asked.

“She's recovering perfectly, they said she'll be out by tomorrow evening if it stays okay.” You stroked her hair before standing up and wrapping your arms around his neck, kissing him slowly. It wasn't overly sexual, it was just sleepy and warm and loving.

He kissed you back, pulling you into his chest.

“That’s good,” he mumbled. “I’m so glad she’s okay,” he added, looking down at his perfect, sleeping princess.

“Me too,” you stroked your fingers up and down his back muscles as you snuggled in close to him. “God you smell amazing today,” you sniffed his jacket and hummed.

“I smell like this everyday, mami,” he replied with a smirk, tucking you further against his side. “You want me to tell them to bring un pín-pan-pun in here so you can get some sleep?”

“Maybe I don't need sleep,” you smiled and kissed his skin. “Maybe I just need to hold you.”

Wrapping his other arm around you, he held you tightly against him, letting his chin rest on the top of your head as one hand rubbed your back.

“Rafael stopped by,” you mumbled.

“Oh yeah?”

“Mhm…”

“How’s he doing?”

“Barely hanging on...he wanted to ask about Tres,” you answered.

“What about him?”

“I guess SVU wanted to talk to him about the kidnapping. I told him this was neither the time or the place but I'd pass along the message to you.”

Nevada nodded his head, shrugging.

“He’s not my son, but I’ll talk to OJ. See what he thinks,” he answered. “You okay?” he asked after a moment.

“Yeah, I just missed your touch.” You kissed him again, tangling your fingers in his hair and smiling against him.

He kissed you back for a moment before pulling you into another hug, holding your head against his chest.

You sighed a bit, but settled against him. You loved this too.

“Sure you don’t want me to ask them for a cot?” he asked again. “You should sleep, you’ve been here all day.”

“I just wanna be with you,” you mumbled against him. “I don't wanna leave your arms.”

“Coño, pero we can’t stay standing up all night,” he mused softly.

“Then carry me,” you joked dramatically, wrapping your arms around his neck and leaning into him. He chuckled softly, shaking his head and giving your ass a light spank. “I’ll go see about getting us a cot,” he said, moving out into the hall to find a nurse.

You moved to Lily, stroking her hair and watching her sleep, you used to lay beside her as a baby and just watch her breathe, it soothed you. After Vegas, you started doing that again. She was your first born, your forever baby girl, if anything were to happen to her--

“Oye, they’re gonna bring a cot in. You want anything drink? Snack?” Nevada asked, poking his head inside.

You shook your head, “Do you remember when she was born?” you whispered.

He furrowed his brows a little, nodding his head.

“Yeah, I was there,” he answered softly. “Why?”

“She was so tiny and so beautiful. When my water broke on the dock, I was terrified, I didn't want to lose her but when they put her in my arms, I fell in love. I didn't know you could love a child as much as I love her, or the twins. I didn't want kids for so long but, now I can't imagine a life without them.”

“Yeah, they’re good kids,” he mused as the nurse squeezed past him in the doorway to get bring in a cot for you. He walked up and gave you a kiss. “I’m gonna go relieve your mom, okay? I’ll be back tomorrow to pick you guys up,” he promised.

You looked disappointed but knew he had to go be with twins, giving him a gentle kiss back, you laid down on the cot.

Moving to Lily, he gave her a kiss on her forehead, smirking a little at his sweet princess.

“Call me if you need anything, okay? I’ll tell the twins you said goodnight,” he whispered.

You nodded and waved, closing your eyes and trying to get some sleep the second he was gone. It was going to be a long night.

The next morning Rafael sat at the kitchen table with his morning cup of coffee, reading the newspaper when Roxie came out of the bedroom.

“Morning,” he said, offering her brief glance before he turned his attention back to his paper. “Coffee’s ready if you’d like some.”

She nodded and sat down, taking his hand. “I'd like to go to the group with you,” she said gently.

Looking up from his paper, he nodded his head, smiling a little.

“I’d really like that,” he replied. “You know um...after you decided to walk around a little more last night instead of coming home with me, I um...I went to one of their meetings.” His bit his bottom lip nervously. “It actually helped a little to know I was with people who’ve been through something like this too.”

“It did?” she asked as she stroked his hair as he nodded. “Then I'm excited to go with you,” she said honestly.

He smiled a little and kissed the back of her hand, pulling her close to press his nose against her stomach. Inhaling her scent, he wished he could stay that way forever, but alas the world had other plans, and his phone buzzed a few times.

She sighed but stroked his hair as he answered the phone. “Barba.”

“Barba, any word on Nevada's associate and his son? We got nothing from our side, they barely acknowledged Carisi.”

“I passed along the message, but I haven’t heard back yet. From what I’ve heard, he was pretty traumatized, hasn’t said much since they found him,” he answered, looking at his watch. “I’ll be at the office in an hour, in the meantime, put together everything you have for the current case. I’ll stop by and pick it up.”

“Alright, I'll have it ready for you,” the call ended and Roxie snuggled against him.

“Your sister is going to take me for a spa day next week,” Roxie said excitedly. “She said I'm one of her best friends.”

It was clear this meant the world to Roxie. She'd never have a large group of friends, all of her time had been spent caring for her sister. But having you and Amber has been the closest thing to a girls group she'd ever seen.

He smiled at that, pulling her against him again and resting his face against her collarbone.

“I’m glad you and my sister are close,” he said softly. “And I think a day at the spa would be really great for you, too. Hey, I just remembered that we still have to pick out wedding bands. Do you maybe wanna meet for lunch and we can take a look around?” he asked softly.

“I would love that!” She hugged him closer and nodded eagerly. “We're picking out each other’s right?”

“Yeah, or we can just pick out a matching set. However you want to do it, mi amor,” he replied, smiling up at her.

She smiled and kissed him slow and loving, clearly happy at the idea of finally getting their wedding bands.

“Let's just get married now,” she whimpered against his lips.

“And do what about everyone we’ve already invited to the wedding that’s in three weeks?” he asked with a smile. “I can’t wait either, but we have plenty to do in three weeks, and I want you to have your wedding day. I wanna see you in your dress, walking down the aisle,” he whispered.

“I just want to be Mrs. Rafael Barba,” she said with a dreamy smile.

“And you will be in three weeks,” he replied, kissing her and humming against her mouth. “Besides, I would never hear the end of it if my mother found out we got married without her.”

She pouted but stroked her fingers over his skin. “Well today after lunch, I'm supposed to go with Amber to buy wedding night lingerie.” She blushed. “Your sister said she'd rather die than come along.”

“So you’re going with my ex girlfriend,” he mused, still smiling a little. “That shouldn’t be awkward at all, though I probably could’ve gone my entire life without knowing that she’s gonna know what you wear on our wedding night,” he added.

“She's got the cutest baby on the planet, she doesn't have time to wonder about our sex life,” she kissed him and smiled.

“Fair enough,” he mumbled against her mouth, kissing her back. He sighed heavily and folded the paper back up, downing the rest of his coffee. “I have to get to work, but I’ll see you later?”

Roxie nodded and gave him a big kiss. “Have a good day,” she whispered, getting up from his lap.

“You too. I love you,” he whispered back.

[amorremanet]

11, 14 & 17? ^.^

asks for fanfic writers.

I did 17 over here, but!

11. do you listen to music when writing?

Sometimes, yes! It sort of depends on what I’m writing and what kind of mood I’m in, but I pretty much always listen to something. It’s more just a matter of whether I’m going to listen to music or TV/movies.

And then in each case, there’s the issue of like, “do I want to listen to the Twilight Princess OST or the Silent Hill 2 OST?” (because video game OSTs are great at both evoking mood and increasing focus), or, “do I want a video game OST, or my playlist for [character, ship, project, the mood I’m in, whatever; I have playlists for everything]”

—or if I’m going to listen to TV/movies, then it’s like, “TV or movies?” and then, “Disney movie or superhero movie? Marvel movie or DC movie? Pink Flamingos, Hairspray, or Female Trouble? The Prince of Egypt or Crimson Peak? Star Wars” or in TV Land, it’s more, “Well, I can’t work and listen to something relatively new [which is one of the biggest reasons why I’m perpetually late to everything new on TV], so… House or Criminal Minds? Yuri on Ice dub [because I can’t watch the subs and write at the same time] or SVU reruns? Firefly or Futurama?”

14. easiest character to write

Oh gosh, that’s…… hard. And it often depends on the fandom, and sometimes it depends on what kind of mood I’m in, but…

Barty Crouch Jr. has always been really easy for me (partly because he has Favorite advantage, and partly because I’ve put 16+ years into his character at this point, so like. JKR could drop all of her notes about his family and backstory and everything on us tomorrow — not that I really think said notes exist, but if they did — and I’d probably just go, “Yeah, that’s nice, but with all due respect, Mum? My version’s better, and I’m just going to continue treating it as if it’s canon because bite me, that’s why”).

AlSev Potter and Scorpius Malfoy are both really easy, too, but tbh, I think that’s because my versions of them are essentially glorified OC’s, since my attitude toward Cursed Child with regard to characterization is, “*nods mildly* That’s nice, but I’m going to pick and choose at my leisure, thanks. No offense, but I’ve been working on these kids since DH first came out, and I much prefer my headcanon Scorpius who is the biggest, loudest, gayest Drama Princess you have ever met in your life and has been trying to shock Lucius into having a heart attack and dying since he was like six,

“and my headcanon AlSev who’s sometimes Ruby Minerva Severus, most often genderfluid but sometimes a binary trans girl and other time a gay cis boy, loves Ginny but has a complicated and often strained relationship with her (but in fairness, AlSev-Ruby talks to Godfather Neville and Hagrid about their problems more than they talk to either Harry or Ginny), has a complicated relationship with Harry too but for other reasons and when Harry and Ginny eventually divorce each other, AlSev-Ruby is going to stay at their Dad’s more often than their Mum’s, and never lets anyone forget that their middle name is Severus because AlSev-Ruby likes pissing them off with that fact — especially their Weasley grandparents

“Ron but AlSev-Ruby usually feels bad about this because they know on some level that they’re usually lashing out at Ron unfairly because it’s not about their name in most of these scenarios and entirely about other emotions that AlSev-Ruby has no earthly idea how to handle or express in a healthy or constructive way, and they boil over very easily when people needle them about their name (and if it weren’t Ron on the receiving end of this, it would probably be James)

“and Snape’s portrait, whom AlSev-Ruby accidentally made respect them by going, ‘You’re a painting. You are oil on canvas, magically imbued with the real Severus Snape’s personality and memories. Snap at me all you want, but you can’t do anything to me that’s worse than what Rita Skeeter and Molly have been doing for my entire life so far. If you want to get to know me, instead of using me as some conduit for all of your lingering issues with my Dad, then cool, I’d like to get to know you, too. You’re the closest I can get to getting to know my real middle-namesake instead of the myth of him that’s been built up since the War. But if you’ve got nothing interesting to say, then please shut up and let me wait for the Headmistress in peace’ in their first year, if not as eloquently because they were eleven and being Sulky™”

As much as I still hate being compared to her, even accepting that I totally deserve it, Hermione Granger is another easy one for me to get into and always has been. The hard thing with her is not reducing her to either Perfectly Perfect Hermione (which JKR can even fall into some times, like when Hermione hexed the DA sign-up sheet and it scarred Marietta’s face without regard for how Umbridge is the one to blame in that situation and not Marietta) or some joke about some of the times in canon when she was Over The Top about something, in ways that Harry didn’t entirely get so the narrative treats them as Totally Hilarious, even though SPEW (for example) is actually not funny when held up to scrutiny and Hermione works so hard at school out of deep-set fear of failure and being dispensable, and probably also fear that maybe she doesn’t belong in the magical world

Luna Lovegood is also pretty easy for me, though the hard thing with her is trying to make sure that I write her thought processes honestly but in a way that makes sense for the reader (it’s a variation on the big problem of stream of consciousness writing, where writing actual facts stream of consciousness looks like Finnegan’s Wake and is tedious as fuck to read, so Luna has to be close to stream of consciousness but tamed enough so that the experience of reading anything written from her POV is more likely to be enjoyable, and less likely to be like getting hit upside the head with a tire iron labeled, “IT’S ART OKAY, IT’S NOT FOR YOU”).

Then, Remus Lupin is by far the easiest of the Marauders for me to write, and Andromeda Black Tonks can actually be pretty hard for me sometimes, but she’s easier than either of her sisters and still one of the easiest MWPP-era characters for me, period.

And as far as non-HP characters go: well, my other biggest source of fandom writing in the past while has been Teen Wolf, and the top five easiest kids for me there are Scott McCall (to the surprise of no one ever), Kira Yukimura (#still bitter),

“Camden Lahey (but lbr, he’s pretty much just an OC with a canon name because literally all we know about him in canon is, “Isaac’s older brother, on the 2005/6 swim team, died in the military” so the rest of it is shit that I wholesale made up and of course he’s easier for me to get into character with than, say, Allison — who is probably the third easiest of the ladies for me to get into character with, after either Braeden or Malia but it depends on the day — because Allison has, like, actual canon shit to deal with and Cam…… kinda doesn’t.

Like, all of the vaguely Actual Canon shit that he has to deal with is stuff that’s off in the realm of extrapolation, interpretation, and, “Hey, nothing in canon says that he DIDN’T visit Derek and Laura in New York on his way back from his first visit home during his service, or that he DIDN’T drag Derek uptown to see Patti Lupone as Mama Rose because Cam is a Fanboy for reasons relating to his and Isaac’s late Mother, or that they didn’t argue at the intermission about how IT’S A MUSICAL DEREK STOP TRYING TO QUESTION WHY THE CHARACTERS SING JFC IT’S LIKE I DON’T EVEN KNOW YOU”

or, “lbr, Derek is as subtle as a brick hitting you in the face at 5,000 mph and Paige canonically figured out that he was a werewolf anyway, so I don’t think it’s entirely implausible that, if we accept the idea of him and Cam being friends — and Cam being one of the only people who, like, genuinely likes Derek, instead of tolerating him because he’s okay at basketball and his family is rich — then Cam probably figured out that Derek and Laura are werewolves, and if that’s the case, he probably got trotted over to the Hales’ place so Talia could give him third-degree about whether or not he’s with the Argents or any other hunters.

“And, because he was like fifteen and had literally just found out that supernatural shit is real, Cam probably showed that he wasn’t a hunter by getting way too excited about hearing which magical creatures are real and temporarily shelving his hate-on for Talia to be all, ‘oh my god, are vampires real? can they infect werewolves? could Derek be like, a vampire werewolf, how would that even work’ or, ‘so silver bullets don’t hurt you, but what about someone saying your True Name? is True Name magic real?’ or, ‘do seances actually work? I’m totally not asking because I want to try and perform one to contact my dead Mom, I just want to know, like. For curiosity’s sake. Yeah……’”

[spoilers: Cam was TOTALLY asking because he wanted to try and use a seance to contact Eleanor. Derek and Laura had to stop him from trying to do the thing no fewer than eight times before Cam and Derek graduated. To his credit, Derek at least skipped trying to give Cam any kind of lecture, but tbf, he did that because he knew Cam would argue back at him about how Derek had no right to tell Cam that he was doing something stupid and dangerous and playing with things that he didn’t understand, and that Cam’s argument would probably be more than fair.

This did not stop Laura from giving Cam the lectures that he completely deserved, though, because: 1. he was essentially walking up to a big red button labeled, “do not push” and trying to push it without even reading the owner’s manual or the informational plaque on the wall that had a full explanation of why you shouldn’t push the button, and he KNEW that he was doing this, but he felt like it was all going to work out TOTALLY FINE because he wanted his Mom to be not dead and in lieu of that, why can’t he have a seance, Laura, UGH;

and 2. because, unlike Cam and Derek, Larua generally doesn’t do shit that’s too horribly stupid or that has completely awful consequences (…mostly), so she had an actual high-ground from which to give Cam these, “don’t screw around the magic, what the fuck are you thinking” lectures and wasn’t intimidated by Derek’s loudmouth little friend who, like, actively repels everything that even vaguely resembles chill.]

—so, anyway, the point is that I can pretty much do whatever I want with Cam and it makes him a lot easier to write. Laura is a similar case of, “this character is easy for me to write because I made her up,” and in fairness, a lot of my characterization for Braeden is headcanon, too. It’s just headcanon that has more of a basis in canon than Camden and Laura do.

I mean.

Except for parts like Braeden’s twin sister Belladonna who is a ballerina because fuck Jeff Davis, that’s why and also the only family member Braeden still talks to on any regular basis, and their parents who teach at Miskatonic University because I’m pretty sure it’s in the public domain at this point so nyeh, I’m gonna use it, and also they’re in the know about the supernatural but part of a group who has a policy of strict non-intervention, which Braeden thought was bullshit so she set out to do her own thing, which initially involved more plans to help people…… but then she learned that a girl’s gotta eat, and the mercenary work got started.

Also, she will wipe the floor with you at karaoke. Because I felt like it, that’s why.

Yeah, that’s all pretty, “this is not even remotely implied by canon and I wholesale made it up because canon wasn’t giving me like any damn Braeden backstory beyond the barest implications and I fucking felt like it, so there. PS: fuck Jeff Davis.”)

Derek Hale (I’m not always proud of this fact or entirely thrilled about it because when I get into Derek’s head, I take a lot of things from his canon characterization — especially in earlier episodes, before he started trying to be less of a jerk and discovered that: 1. he sucks as an Alpha, and 2. he loves Scott sooooo much — to their logical conclusions and his head is usually not a very pleasant place to be.

Like, he’s my werewolf disaster and I begrudgingly love him but we’re still talking about a guy who, when I write him, makes leaps of logic like, “Well, Cam said to look out for Isaac because he’s not here to do it himself. That is totally the same thing as giving me verbal permission to stalk his baby brother and manipulate him into accepting the Bite, very good plan, way to go, Derek!! :D” and thinks that, “Scott kissed ME first and didn’t explicitly SAY that he’s NOT 17, therefore I’m totally not obligated to ask him shit about shit or consider whether or not he’s having sex with me as a form of emotional self-harm” is a completely valid conclusion and way of doing things

He’s also a guy who would do things like cheat on Braeden with Cam and Cam with Braeden, while telling neither of them about this, and then when he gets arrested for doing something ridiculous, he would call both of them to come get him at the Sheriff’s station because he’s pretty sure that one of them will be mad and decide to just leave him there to think about what he’s done this time — which would end up in both of them coming, and figuring out that they’ve both been getting cheated on, and skip right past the, “being mad at the other cheated upon party” part to the part that’s more like,

“going for coffee and complaining about the fuck-up they’ve both been dating and making fun of things like his secret One Direction blog, or the Star Wars fanfic he writes where his blatant self-insert OC gets to bang Han, Leia, Mara Jade, Lando, both of the Solo twins, and Padmé (in some wonky shenanigans involving time travel) — oh and sucks for Derek, but Cam and Braeden decided to tell Parrish to just leave him in his holding cell because fuck him, they’ve been getting cheated on so he can just call Laura and beg her to come save his ass tonight”

negl, one of my favorite places to put Derek in non-supernatural AUs is prison. How he wound up there usually involved him killing Peter, and it sometimes involved him panicking and hiding Peter’s body under the floorboards because he’s a loser who thinks Edgar Allan Poe is actually a good model for How To Handle Murdering Someone, and…… yeah, I just. I love Derek, he’s easy for me to write, but he’s a disaster in ways I don’t always feel like dealing with, so sometimes, he gets to just go the fuck to prison so I don’t have to deal with him today.)

and……… ugh, I can’t pick between Danny Mahealani and Jackson Whittemore for the number five spot, but both of them are really easy for me, and like. Jackson, I am still vaguely ashamed of, but I don’t feel that bad about it because I got here by virtue of writing him when Astrid and I RP’d TW stuff together and she didn’t want to just talk to herself for ages by writing Isaac and Jackson, and I refused to half-ass it with Jackson and found a way into his head and here we are.

And Danny as I write him is, in a lot of ways, only somewhat less of an OC than Cam and Laura, so…… basically, that.

And bonuses, because I like talking about my legitimate OC’s, oops: Margot, Pete, and Sebastian are the easiest for me to write at the moment but in fairness, that’s largely because I’ve done the most work developing them as characters, relative to everyone else in the cast.

Like, Todd (who is officially Seb’s “it’s complicated,” and Seb’s Gawain Stacy, if you ask Pete — or sometimes even if you don’t ask Pete, because he will totally tell you this whether you like hearing it or not, especially if your name is Sebastian) — Todd has this notion that he, Margot, and Seb are basically gay boy!Hermione (Todd), lesbian!Harry (Margot), and, “Ron but like what if his family had Malfoy money and he was gay” (Seb). He’s not entirely wrong (and their Houses map onto the Trio’s secondary Houses because of course I know my OCs’ Hogwarts Houses, like why would I not know that)

(This whole Thing of Todd’s actually STARTED because I knew that he is a Ravenclaw, Seb’s a Hufflepuff, and Margot’s a Slytherin, and went, “lol, it’s like the Golden Trio in an AU where none of them wound up in Gryffindor, heh”)

and it makes sense that this is how Todd sees things with them because the three of them found each other in undergrad (though Seb found Margot when their RA paired them up for some “getting to know you” thing during orientation because they were the tallest and the shortest people on the hall, and he found Todd at the first meeting of the campus LGBTIQ students organization, had a crush at first sight on the cute chubby guy in the hot pink t-shirt with the screenprint of the Pink Flamingos poster, and totally meant to go be Super Cool about asking Todd out……

……buuuuuut he got excited and instead it came out like, “Hi, oh my god, I love your shirt, you like John Waters, I love John Waters, he’s my hometown hero, oh my god hi hi hi, my name’s Sebastian what is yours do you want to go get coffee, please be my friend, do you like Rocky Horror too? there’s a theatre a couple blocks from here that does a regular shadow-cast, we should totally check it out, I have just met you and I like you please be my friend” instead of like an actual date invite. And he totally called his Mom later that night to go, “MOM, I MADE ANOTHER FRIEND. TWO IN TWO DAYS, MOM. yeah no i still kind of hate my roommate he’s a jerk BUT I HAVE TWO NEW FRIENDS MOM”

………He was very lonely before undergrad because his only constant friend who wasn’t one of his siblings and didn’t shun him after he got outed at Catholic school [though technically, he sort of outed himself in an attempt to spare his boyfriend/best friend from being outed because Seb’s parents already knew he was gay and were totally cool about it, but Damian’s parents believed in reparative therapy and his uncle was the priest at their Catholic school, so him getting outed was really not an option]? Yeah, that only friend was Pete. But I digress.)

Anyway, Todd’s view of things is a little skewed by how he’s lived them, and strictly speaking, trying to map any of my kids onto the Golden Trio and Company is going to end up being a discussion of archetypes and tropes more than anything else because…… But they’re not the Golden Trio and Company.

There are some similarities, but they are mostly in the realm of archetypes AND the ones that aren’t quite as trope-y happened by accident (like, when I noticed that Seb actually does have quite a few similarities with Ron, aside from having Malfoy money — right down to his dad having an A name (Abraham) and his mom having an M name (Marceline) — I went, “well, FUCK” and started trying to get some of those similarities to be…… less so? Because…… Seb’s not Ron. And I don’t want him to be too overly similar to Ron because I want him to be himself, in his own right.

Fortunately, though, Ron isn’t a filthy rich, gay recovering addict who’s been living with undiagnosed major depression for his entire life and sort of accidentally stumbles into finding his mutant superpowers, and whose abusers aren’t his parents — because Abe and Marceline are pretty chill and have been fab to all four of their kids — but rather a series of douchebag ex-boyfriends who [unlike Molly and Arthur] are for real in-text acknowledged as being abusive jerks, and that’s a pretty solid start on Seb Is Not Ron)

But if you were going to try to do the Golden Trio And Company map here, then Todd would probably be Ginny, actually. They don’t have a lot in common, but there are some points of crossover, and the biggest one for me at the moment? Is that right now, I’m guilty of something that I bag on JKR for doing all the time, which is, “Ginny is a great idea for a character but you didn’t fully actualize her like she deserved in the text, you regularly reduced her existence to being Harry’s Significant Other, and it’s frankly bogus, Joanne” — and I’m aware of this, so I’m trying to fix it by working on Todd as a character

But I’m also trying to not spend forever fine-tuning every last detail about a story and then not having a draft of it so much as I have a two-foot stack of print-outs about different parts of it that kinda sorta look like a complete picture when you arrange them just so and tilt your head slightly to the left. So, basically, at the moment? Getting Todd to be more fully realized is on my List Of Shit To Do, but it’s way less of a priority than, “actual complete draft of this train-wreck” because I can do some of this work in revisions and rewriting

But since I opened this door anyway and want to complete the thought for the amusement factor:

Seb, obviously, is Harry in the bigger picture, even if this is mostly based on, “Harry is The Protagonist of his series, and although MY series is ultimately going to be more of an ensemble cast thing, Seb is the focal character for the first book because, in fairness to all the others, he was here first”

Todd is Ginny for the reasons that I just said

Pete and Margot both have very fair claim to being either Ron or Hermione, so they could arguably take turns, and ultimately, the big reason why I’m going to say Pete’s Ron and Margot’s Hermione?

is that Pete has two older siblings and some Issues with both of them (though he’s working them out with his sister, and not so much with his older brother) and has been Seb’s friend longer

while Margot’s an only child and they have totally used the, “we’re both gay, we love each other like brother and sister” line when they don’t feel like explaining their no romo soulmates kind of relationship to people (and sometimes when trying to make Seb’s siblings be less…… not pleased that Margot is so important to him, because to varying degrees, all three of them kinda sorta blame her for some of his problems in ways that she doesn’t entirely deserve)

Lucy is Neville but, like, a plucky ginger lesbian. This is probably one of the comparisons that looks a lot more like reaching, because on the surface, Lucy has a lot more in common with Ginny outside of their roles in the plot — but the thing is?

Even once I get Todd to be more developed, and even if he and Seb aren’t endgame (which was my original plan and I might stick to it but they have a LOT of shit to work on before they can go there so we’ll see how that goes), Todd is still going to be Ginny’s closest analogue to me because the ideas of them and their arcs are closer than anyone else’s (though in fairness, my idea of Ginny and her arc isn’t necessarily anybody else’s because JKR botched writing Ginny so much that this is almost, “room for wild mass guessing” instead of, “room for interpretation”)

Whereas…… yes. Lucy comes on strong, she’s a plucky go-getter who would probably try to fight the sun if she thought the sun was looking at her girlfriend funny, she’s a complete loudmouth and not always in ways that are conducive to anything, she’ll call you on your shit but usually without realizing that she’s saying something she needs to be hearing too, she tries too hard to do everything on her own and usually needs to experience some kind of big setback before she’ll consider accepting help with anything, and she will probably shout at someone while telling them to go calm down because they told HER to calm down.

Also, she’s the only one in my main ensemble cast who’s a legit Gryffindor, for better and for worse (Pete is a Slytherin — though in fairness, Gryffindor is his secondary House [he is aware of this, thanks to an ex of his who made him get Pottermore Sorted and was dead shocked when he wound up in Slytherin, but he has no idea what this means but he’s offended by it because Gryffindor’s colors are red and gold and no thanks, he doesn’t like how he looks in red and gold. He loves how he looks in green and silver, though] — and Josie’s a Ravenclaw)

—but a lot of how Over-The-Top Extra™ she is? that comes out of insecurity and trying to be various things that aren’t true to herself, because she deeply believes that she isn’t good enough. Granted, a big difference between her and Neville is that, while Neville spends a lot of time in the early books being terrified of his potential because he might screw up and prove right everyone who’s ever called him useless, Lucy instead tries to outrun her all of feelings of self-doubt and self-loathing instead of dealing with them, and basically plays a game of, “if I ignore them and just act like the popular idea of me — or like the me I want to be — but louder, maybe they will go away!!”

She’s going to be shocked when this catches up to her, because when she first shows up in the story, she’s of the mind that hey, she has accepted that she’s a lesbian — even if she’s only out to a small handful of people because…… uh, she’s Damian’s baby sister and their parents are still Not Really Very Safe to come out to. Their dad is probably going to die without Lucy coming out to him and she has VERY fair reasons for being afraid that he’d disown her for this — but!!! She has still accepted this!!!! Clearly it was the ONLY THING in her life that she wasn’t at peace with and now she IS so everything is going to magically be ALL BETTER NOW RIGHT!!!!!

No, not really, Lucy. Your sexuality is just one of the things about yourself that you aren’t at peace with.

Lucy’s response: *throws herself even harder into trying to outrun her self-doubt and being completely disingenuous to herself in the process, while trying to smile and laugh like nothing is wrong even though it really blatantly is*

So, that’s all going over about as well as you’d expect (i.e., not very well, not even a little bit whoops), and a lot of her arc in the series is going to be about finding peace with herself and finding her own ways of being a hero that may not necessarily line up with any more conventional expectations thereof, or even her own preconceived ideas of How To Hero Good, and yeah. She’s Neville, but like, a plucky ginger lesbian.

Also, she and Seb are foils for each other in a loooooot of ways that make them mapping onto Harry and Neville make more sense than trying to make Lucy map onto Ginny, in structural terms

Josie is Luna, and I’m short-changing my genderfluid empath child a lot right now but I’ve also been writing this post for WAAAAAY longer than I intended and ahahaha, everyone’s probably bored

And Conrad is Draco Malfoy, but absent any of the excuses that fans love making for Draco (especially not the age thing, like. Draco behaves in a LOT of ways that are completely unacceptable for any person of ANY age, but I will acquiesce that his age is a contributing factor in some instances because he’s a freaking CHILD. Conrad’s not, though. Like, Conrad is 46 and the oldest member of the main cast in the first book. Conrad gets no excuse for his bullshit based on his age.

He also doesn’t get to claim anything about being terrified for the safety of the people he cares about, because…… uh. While I think that the HP fandom oversells that point re: Draco in HBP because at first, he was completely gung-ho and proud of himself for joining a group of Pureblood supremacist domestic terrorist fascists, Draco was still abused and manipulated by Voldemort here — and during the entirety of HBP and DH — and…… well. Conrad was lied to and played by people who are even bigger douchebags than he is, yeah. But he wasn’t sold on joining the neo-fascist supervillains by having his loved ones threatened; he was sold on it by having his ego stroked and only giving a fuck about how this could benefit him)

So, basically, Conrad is Draco with even fewer redeeming qualities

Given that I think Draco only has, like, TWO redeeming qualities, or maybe three on a good day (and that’s debatable because at least one point here is, “it’s not really a quality of his own so much as the fact that I hate victim blaming more than I dislike Draco”), uh

Yeeeeeeeeeaaaaaaaaaah, no.

Conrad is only not The Literal WORST EVER because there are other douchebags in his neo-fascist supervillain club who are even worse than he is.

i just love my oc mutant weirdos a lot, thank u for reading

[thelithiumdiaries-x]

This episode of SVU hits home so bad

The episode on is about a woman in a domestic violent relationship and benson trying to get her out before he kills her. I have been in an abusive relationship too only the abuse I suffered was emotional and psychological. I was with this guy for 2 years. I knew him since we were 13/14 but we got together at 16/17. I know he wasn't bad enough to ever kill me or cause me significant physical harm but the emotional abuse was more scarring than anything I sometimes wish he hit me so I could just crack on and not have the mental damage. The beginning of the relationship was the part I held on too hard to. It's why I stuck around because I hoped it would go back to that. It started off with little things, comments, him taking dislikes to certain things and people I was close to. I admit I wasn't a angel in the relationship either but what I did I did because I felt trapped. I spoke to my rapist one night over msn, he'd been stalking me since what happened and he was being nice trying to cheer me up, Me and my boyfriend had a huge row and he told me things like nobody would want me and what an awful person I was, so when he spoke to me I went along with it because despite what happened when I was crying and I felt alone, as pathetic as it sounds I was that alone it felt nice for someone to seemly care, I very quickly realised the kindness was false, he blackmailed me into showing him my bra saying he'd tell my boyfriend I'd been talking to him. As soon as he got what he wanted he wanted more. I knew then I had to cut him off before it got out of hand. I blocked him and sat there feeling guilty but I was paranoid he would come after me which is why I did what he told me. I never wanted to but I felt I had to. I told my boyfriend and although he stayed around he used the event to control me completely instead of moving on. He had all my passwords. He'd check my email everyday, I got banned from facebook, all my phone was searched every day. I had loads of friends, but slowly one by one he made me cut them all off. I had nobody but him. What made things worse was my rapist got worse with the stalking. I'd see him every week as he lived 2 streets away from my boyfriend. In fact my boyfriend never believed me and in a way I don't blame him but every day I had panic attacks, flashbacks, I struggled to have sex and I would have nightmares every night and wake up screaming, you can't fake shit like that and he would watch me wake up in sweats and tears, turn over and sleep soundly. It was disgusting. Everyday he would go out of his way to make me feel miserable but then out of the blue do something nice so I never knew where I stood. It was like walking on eggshells. I was in CAMHS and he said there's nothing wrong with you stop going although they had by this point given me a diagnosis of PTSD. I stopped going because he told me to. If he said jump I said how high. If I had money he wanted it for drugs. He was badly addicted to weed. Not just being a stoner as in to the point he had to have it otherwise I would get abuse until I paid up. The sad thing is he made me so dependent on him I was scared he would leave me then I'd be completely alone. He turned me against my mum. That for me was the point where he had 100% control as I don't love anyone more than my mum. My mental health deteriorated, I was going hypomanic which he loved because I would do drugs with him and drink, we'd have sex in the street and he loved watching me be impulsive and reckless like he was. Plus if he gave me abuse I'd tolerate it much better cause I was off my head on drugs he could give it and give it without that cut off point where I cried and people said leave her alone. One day though I hit a depression and I began cutting myself again and planning suicide, he told me I was crazy and that he was fed up of it. He told me he was leaving and that he'd got better things to do which was basically getting stoned. I lost it, I started cutting and I couldn't stop, there was blood everywhere and I just sobbed. I then thought fuck it, and was going to take an overdose. I rang to say goodbye and I think his sister thought I meant it, they called ambulance and I was nearly 136'd because I wouldn't get assessed. Then the bipolar diagnosis came. He then had reason to call me crazy. I remember as my cuts were healing we were all sat in the outhouse and he ripped my clothes off to laugh at my pathetic cuts. There was one day I regret the most I almost left him. He told me infront of all his friends he was ashamed of me for being bisexual and it was embarrassing. I went to class crying and my friend Rachel asked me what was up. It all came flooding out. The whole relationship. She told me to leave him and to tell someone else and see if they say the same. I told his mum and his mum a week previously had intervened when he pushed me against a wall and screamed in my face. She knew what was going on. She even said leave him too. So I text him we need to talk. He clocked on right away. Begging me to stay, apologies, promising things would be different. He got on his knees infront of people. I couldn't say no. It went back to normal in a day. In the end of it he did leave, I apparently got too 'crazy' for him. I got suicidal over it how fucked up is that? I missed the person who would bully me, tell me I was fat when I was actually a size 6 and extremely underweight, the person who liked to laugh at me crying and cutting myself, who forced me to pay for their drugs and give up my friends, all because he made me so dependent on him I had nobody but him. The emotional damage stuck to me. I had no self esteem for years. I got it into my head nobody would ever love me. He made me feel so guilty over my own sexual assault I have never reported it because even now I think to myself it's my fault. At times I literally just wish he had hit me then the bruises would fade and I could forget. Yes I was never hit but it didn't stop me flinching when people went to hug me for over a year after. It didn't stop me struggling to trust people. It didn't stop me having a phobia of strangers and it didn't stop me apologising all the time even when I'd done nothing. I fucking hate anyone who says domestic violence and abuse is all about being punched or hit or kicked or all physical attacks because it isn't. The psychological damage stays with you not the bruises or the cuts of the broken bones.

[itsjustmyfantasyroom]

Burnt crust

This cute little something something was requested by @theichabbieclub who asked for this:

<Hi ! It's meee again! I hope I'm not bothering you If it's okay may I get barba x reader? Maybe like him coming home to find the reader cooking and covered in flour as they sing positions by Ariana grande ? Thank youuuuu>

Hope this is what you were after lovely, I worked in the song as much as I could

Warnings: Fluff, song lyrics with swear words

WC: 891

Enjoy x

You knew you should have stayed at your apartment to bake. You knew where everything was and you knew your oven back to front, but of course Rafael had talked you into making everything at his place for Thanks Giving, really he just wanted to watch you play “wifey” around his place. Your parents lived out of state and unfortunately this year you couldn’t get home for the holidays because of the case load at SVU. It was lucky that Liv had let you all off early and you made it Rafael’s to get started on everything you needed to make for the next day hoping the day would go smoothly and you weren’t called in.  Rafael wasn’t home when you got there. Lucky he had given you a spare key and you managed to get into his place with arms full of grocery bags and your overnight bag.

You put everything in the kitchen and then walked to put your overnight bag in the bed room. You opened your bag and pulled out your purple and pink floral apron wrapping it around your waist walking back out to the kitchen. You made quick work of pulling your hair back in a mid-bun, turning on your music and washing your hands to set to work. You wanted to make crust for a pumpkin pie and you had looked up a recipe for Pan Cubano Casero (homemade Cuban bread). Although you had met Lucia a few times over the year you and Rafael had been together, this was the first holiday you were spending with her because you stayed in Manhattan and you wanted to impress her.

You were already frustrated with mixing the crust mix with Rafael’s silly little hand mixer that made your arms ache, then to make matter worse you had read his oven wrong and burnt the first lot of crust. So it landed in the bin and you started again. You had fixed the temperature on the oven and were keeping an eye on it while you made the mixture for the bread.

Rafael smiled to himself on the way home in the cab thinking about coming home to you after a hard day knowing you would be baking. He tried to talk you into buying store pumpkin pie, but you disagreed telling him how much you wanted to please his Mum and make an effort for your first holiday with her. Really there was no impressing you needed to be doing, his Mum was just as smitten with you as he was. Rafael had already spoken to her about how he thought you could be the one and she was completely on board with it, it was the happiest she had seen him in such a long time.

As he opened the door he could hear the music blurring and he chuckled to himself. He walked in hanging up his jacket and toeing off his shoes near his bag that he sat on the floor. As he walked into his kitchen area he undone his vest buttons, rolled up his sleeves, loosening his tie and unbuttoning his top buttons. As soon as he seen the kitchen he stopped with his mouth wide open looking around at the mess all over the counter. You stood up from the oven lifting out a tray of the perfectly cooked crust, flour on your face, in your hair and on your purple button down. You hadn’t noticed him standing there and you were singing rather load to yourself,

“Switching the positions for you, Cooking in the kitchen and I’m in the bed bedroom I’m in the Olympics way I’m jumping through hoops, know my love infinite nothing I wouldn’t do That I won’t do, switching for you”

“Well I’ am glad mi Amor, I know heaven sent me to you, but did you have to make so much mess? There is only going to be 3 of us tomorrow”

“Hello to you too Rafi” you sat the hot tray down on the bench, throwing off the oven mitt’s, turning the music down slightly, walking over to him wrapping your arms around his neck and his around your waist,

“Perfect, perfect, You’re too good to be true, But I get tired of running, Fuck it, now I’m running with you” Rafael sang to you, swaying you both along with the music and kissed your nose making you blush.

“This some shit that I usually don’t do, But for you I kinda, kinda want to cause you’re down for me and I’ am down too” as you were singing you moved your arm from around his neck running your pointer finger down over his chest to his belt buckle.

Rafael chuckled “Yeah I like it when you’re down”

“Rafael Barba your cheeky” your lips landed on his for deep kiss. You pulled back looking into his eyes “If I put the bread in the oven, can you keep an eye on it while I have a shower, Please?”

Rafael’s famous smirk pulled to his face, his hands moved from your waist to your ass cheeks cupping them and he picked you up making you wrap your legs around his waist walking towards the bedroom,

“Rafi the bread” you whined

“Don’t worry about the bread mi Amor, I’ll buy some in the morning”

Tags: @dianilaws @scarletsoldierrr @lv7867 @permanentlydizzy​

[itsjustmyfantasyroom]

Some hot shot part 2

This is the last part for this part. 

Warnings: slight swearing and sass. Also a slap on the face for an ex bf!

Enjoy xx

The week passed quickly. You showed Rafael around town and all your favourite spots. Even having a quickie in a field on the out skirts of town where you always used to go paddock bashing and drinking on Saturday nights in high school. 

Wendy reminded Gwen of the conversation she had with you on the way home from her Hen’s Night. She was so embarrassed and messaged the next day to say Sorry.

"Yeah she is with Rafael Barba, you know that ADA that's always on the News. And she looks amazing, New York agrees with her. She said SVU is amazing to work in." Wendy gloated to Jeff and Rodger during brunch. 

She saw Rodger ball is hands into fits and his face go red. She didn't like Rodger, he was always rude and nasty. She loved rubbing this in his face.

****

You had to be at Gwen's parents place at 7am for hair and makeup, the ceremony was at 12 noon at Jeff's parent’s property. Rafael dropped you off.

"Can't wait to see you mi Hermosa, you’re going to look amazing" you lent over and kissed him

"Bye Rafi, see you later"

You walked up to the door and knocked. Gwen's Dad answered,

"Here's my girl" Gwen’s Dad smiled down at you.

"Hey Pa" he grabbed you and pulled you in for a big bear hug. "I've missed you."

"Same here darlin’, not the same not having you around"

"Is that my big New Yorker" Gwen's Mum came walking towards you and pulled you in for a hug, kissing your cheek over and over again

"Hey Mamma, it's great to see you. Missed you"

"Missed you Mrs ADA" you giggled and turned red.

----

"You ready?" You held Gwen's hand. “You look beautiful G"

"Thank you for being here, it wouldn't be the same without you and that dress is amazing" you lent into each other and hugged.

"It’s time" Gwen's Dad said.

You all walked out of the sun room at the side of Jeff's parents place. You could see Rafael and your Mum sitting in seats in the back row whispering and giggling with each other. You walked to the edge of the white carpet that lead to the alter and waited for the music to start.

You walked down the aisle just looking directly ahead, Jeff gave you a big warm smile, but Rodger gave you a dirty look. As you got to the alter Jeff walked to you and gave you a hug, and lead you to your place on the other side of the celebrant. The song changed everyone stood up for Gwen to walk down. Rafael caught your eye, and mouthed, "You look amazing" and you gave him a wink.

He could not get over how beautiful you looked. You had a blush pink mermaid style boob tube floor length gown on with sliver sandals. The dress wrapped around your curves. He had to thank Amanda for helping you pick that dress. You had sliver tear drop earrings, your heart necklace that he gave you and a sliver bangle, holding a bunch of white poise. Your hair was pulled back in a beautiful low pony tail style with the curls hair running down your back.

"She looks beautiful" your Mum lent over to him looking at you.

"You’re telling me" she laughed at him.

"You may kiss the bride" everyone stood up and cheered, blowing bubbles. Gwen grabbed her flowers off you and started to walk up the aisle holding Jeff's hand. Rodger followed them, not even waiting for you.

You walked over to Rafael and you’re Mum,

"Not a very good partner is he" your Mum said as you kissed her on the cheek. "You look amazing sweetie"

You stepped in front of Rafael who put both hands on your hips and pulled you in for a kiss.

"Wow Hermosa." He nodded looking you up and down.

"Y/N, Gwen needs you for photos" Wendy called out.

"I'll see you guys later" you kissed Rafael and walked to find them.

----

"I' am not having a photo with her" Rodger snarled looking down at you.

"Are you kidding me right now?" Gwen snapped back and he turned and walked away.

"You guys have your photos, they are more important" you walked off to follow Rodger

"What the Fuck is your problem Rodger!"

----

Rafael and your mum were having a great time. She as introducing him to everyone. Even Rodgers parents who were very nice to him and made some small talk. He also met Gwen's Mum and Dad.

"You make sure you look after my girl. She is special that on" Gwen’s Dad elbowed Rafael’s arm smiling at him.

"She sure is, I will" Rafael smiled back.

Wendy walked up to them her cheeks flushed, 

"Ah Hey, excuse me Rafael, can you come with for me minute?"

"Yes sure, excuse me" Rafael looked between everyone.

Wendy harried off and he followed her trying to catch up. Wendy made her way around to the back of the house, he came up behind her as she stopped in her tracks.

"What's going-?” Rafael had a frown on his face.

There you were, Rodger was standing over you, you stepped back and slapped him across the face hard. Rafael gasped and speed past Wendy to go to you.

----

"What's my problem? WHATS MY PROBLEM?"

"DO NOT YELL AT ME" You looked up at Rodger.

"OH you have balls now do you? At least New York is good for something"

"STOP your petty shit Rodger! You want to ruin your best friend’s wedding because you can't put everything aside for one fucking day"

“I haven't ruined my best friend’s day, you have" he stepped forward standing over you looking down at you "By being here. You should have stayed away. You come back like some big hot shot detective dating some old ADA ass hole. You must of developed daddy issues since you left, dating someone that much older than you" Rodger spat at you.

You stepped back, threw your hand back and planted it right on his left check putting your whole body behind it.

"YOU BITCH! I'll have your badge for that"

"I'd like to see you try" Rafael was standing next to you.

"OH look Daddy, or should I say Grandpa, has come to save you"

You went to slap his face again, but Rafael stood in front of you, pushing you back slightly.

"I may be old, but I bet you never made her scream like I do" Rafael snarled at him.

****

Monday morning you walked into the bullpen. You didn't run with Amanda that morning, but you promised you would the rest of the week. You were the last one to arrive before Liv, you said good morning to everyone and sat at your desk.

"How was your week away, how was the wedding? Loved the photo’s" Amanda asked, Nick and Fin were waiting for your answer.

"The week was good, the wedding well--I slapped my ex in the face"

"No you did not" Amanda said back excited, Nick and Fin laughed.

"What happened?" Nicked asked

You told them what happened, even what Rafael had said back to him.

"Wow, Go Barba" Fin praised him smiling to himself.

Just then, Liv walked through the door, 

"Y/N, my office NOW"

You walked in following her and closed the door behind you.

"Who's Rodger?" Liv looked over at you from behind her desk one eye brow raised.

"My ex-boyfriend" your hands started to sweat.

"The ex you slapped across the face on the weekend" you went red “What were you thinking? You’re better than that." Liv huffed at you.

"I ‘am so sorry Liv” You said just above a whisper.

"What happened?" Liv said as she sat down on her chair.

You told her what happened and why he acted like it. Although you left out what Rafael said. You and Liv were friends, but she was your boss and that would be an over share.

"So it's all jealousy?" Liv sat back in her chair.

"Yeah pretty much. I'm sorry Liv, he got to nasty, and I couldn't control myself"

"I know, I know, he deserved it in my eyes. But you can't go around slapping people because they say things you don't like, your a detective, you don’t want to get on the wrong side of Dodds or Tucker. I talked him out of lodging a complaint with 1PP. But I promised him I would punish you. So you’re on desk duty for the this week"

"Ok, I'm sorry again Liv" You turned on your heels with your tail between your legs walking back out to your desk.

"You alright?" Nick asked

"The prick called Liv and dobbed me in. He wanted to go to 1PP but she talked him out of it. She promised she would punish me, so I'm on desk duty this week" you rolled your eyes. “Prick”

"He rang your boss over a slap on the face?" Amanda asked, amused.

"It was probably what Barba said, not the slap. Men being told that, it cuts deep" Nick laughed

----

Rafael was working late that night and you were in a horrible mood, you hated desk duty, so you decided to pick up dinner and go to the office. You knocked and walked in,

"Mi Hermosa, how was yo- are you ok?" You were red faced and frowning. You walked over to him handing him the paper bag which he sat on his desk.

"No, I'm pissed" you spat out.

"What's happened?"

"Liv got a phone call this morning, from Rodger" he raised his eye brows at you.

"He made a complaint about me slapping him over the weekend. Liv had to talk him out of making a complaint to 1PP, but she promised to punish me. So I'm desk duty for the rest of the week" you said through gritted teeth. 

He snorted and tried to hold back a smile the best he could.

"He complained about a slap?" Rafael finally laughed as you nodded back to him.

"It’s NOT funny Rafi" you snapped back.

"I ‘am sorry, but it is funny. He wanted to make Chief, but he complained about being slapped because what, he's an asshole?"

"That's not the point, Liv is pissed at me"

"She will get over it mi Hermosa" He walked closer to you pulling you for hug kissing down one side of your neck. “Here let Abuelo make it all better”

[navalcriminalimagines]

Comfort zone - 6

Tag list (if you want to be tag, just let me know!): @madpanda75 @zombz78 @zoeykaytesmom @mommakat32 @hannahlouise98 @imaginecrushes @cold-blooded-girls @sweetsummertime99 @solleblu @somewhatcarisi

Rafael never expected this many people to be at his abuela’s funeral. They all knew her but most of them were not very close to Catalina during her last years. “Hypocrites,” he muttered to himself. However, he certainly expected his ex-fiancée and former best friend to be there, not that he liked that idea. Walking to the Church, Lucia holding her son’s arm while you simply stood on his other side. When he stopped walking, you and his mother did too, “Mijo?” she wondered. He gave her a quick look before turning his attention on you, “Do you mind pretending you’re my fiancée?” he asked. This doesn’t look like the Rafael you first met, even Lucia was confused. “I don’t feel like answering too many questions, explain my life and my choices. Not today, and I know all these people are here to know the latest news,” he sighed, “I wish I could throw all them out, they didn’t care about abuelita when she was still there,” Nervous and sad Rafael is a very talkative Rafael.

“Where’s my diamond, then?” you simply smiled to calm him. He returned your soft smile and was about to give you a good reason to tell if someone asked, but Lucia was faster. She got closer to you and Rafael, making sure no one could see her taking off her ring and putting it on your finger. You let her do but searched for Rafael’s expression.

“Mamí, that’s-” he went to say.

“That was my mother’s, there’s no better engagement ring, right?” she gently smiled at her son.

“Lucia, I don’t-” her look was enough to make you shut up. Still holding your hand, she brought it to Rafael’s. His long and thin fingers intertwined with yours, with his grandmother’s ring in the middle. “Thank you,” he mouthed at you.

Pretending to be Rafael’s fiancée wasn’t that hard but he made it even easier. The few times you were not looking for a physical contact with him, he was with you. And it seemed natural. The least expecting contact was when his lips fell on yours. And the weirdest part was that it wasn’t to prove a point to someone. Well, actually, “What kind of couple about to get married, doesn’t kiss?” he said. That’s the only thing you pretended that day; buy his explanation.

It’s only on the ride back to Manhattan that you checked your phone. You had a few missed calls from work and texts from Sonny.

[From Sonny] : Thinking of you for today. Give Barba my sympathy. Love!

[From Sonny] : I hope everything is okay. When are you coming back to Manhattan?

[From Sonny] : Should I worry to not hear from you? Text me when you read this, pls

[From Sonny] : Thanks to barba for texting Lieu so I know you’re okay. I’m cooking for Amanda and Jesse tonight. See ya at work

“Did you text Liv?” You asked Rafael after taking off and reading Sonny’s texts.

“Yes, SVU can’t do anything without me,”

“I heard Cabot and Novak were very great ADA before you,” you teased to let go all of the troubles of the day. It felt good to hear him chuckle.

“Yeah-yeah” he gestured his hand, “But I have something they don’t,”

“Oh? What?” You asked. But Rafael didn’t think it through before speaking so he searched for a reasonable thing to say but he couldn’t find one.

“A— penis?”

That was the least expecting thing you thought he would say. But he did and you laughed.

“Damn, you do have a penis? I honestly couldn’t tell,”

Rafael wanted to keep going on that game but a part of what he wanted to answer was true. You couldn’t find what about it. He didn’t want a joke and his sass to betray him. Which is a big part of why he acts differently with you, especially those past weeks. He thought being natural and casual with you couldn’t let you realize he was in love with you.

“No answer?” you added after a silence, “I’m very disappointed in you, Rafael Esteban.” The look of his face was too priceless, you regretted not to record it so you could look at it over and over. Your laugh field the car, while Rafael’s mouth was still forming a perfect “o”. Esteban is a nice middle name but Rafael hates it and he worked hard to hide it, in his professional life so nobody would find out. And his own mother betrayed him.

“Yup, tu mamí,” you spoke again. “She told me you hate it but come on Rafi, it’s a nice name. Very Cuban,”

Coming out of your perfect lips, he actually loved hearing his middle name. Just like he loves when you say Spanish word and calls him Rafi. His mind went on thinking about what it would sound like to hear you say Papí. To him. In bed. While he fucks your senseless.

“Did you swallow your tongue?” You asked.

He turned his face to you and smiled. You exchanged looks between him and the road, trying to figure out what he was thinking about. “What?! Come on, talk! That’s creepy,” you exclaimed.

“Do you realize how amazing you are, Y/N?” The surprise of his words made you lose control of the car for a second, you freaked out briefly but Rafael didn’t react, still staring at your profile.

“How many scotches did you drink, Rafi?”

“Not so many to be drunk or even dizzy but enough to tell you this. There are so many things I wished I would have said to abuelita. And before that, to my father. And I don’t want to do the same thing with my mum or- you,”

“Why me?”

“Because I care about you. More than you think, Y/N,” he paused, “but hey, I get it, you’re in love with Carisi and I don’t want to be a problem for you. I want you to be happy even if it’s with him- or Jeff or someone else. I just want you to know that you make my life better and you make me better,”

You definitely lost control of your car this time. You stared at Rafael for too long, and before you knew it, you hit the car in front of yours. Thankfully, you were not going too fast and the shock wasn’t too hard. You felt dizzy but it’s either because of the accident or Rafael’s declaration. Nobody was hurt, but the other driver was very angry. He yelled at you for breaking his car and then he yelled at Rafael for letting you drive. “A woman shouldn’t drive,” apparently. This made Rafael sarcastically laughing but not you, he saw your jaw clenching and your fists turning white. “My bad, she’s so beautiful I can’t get my hands off her. You know what it is— or maybe you don’t. I mean, I don’t see how a woman could be interested in you,”

The man was about to punch Rafael but you stood in the way and locked his arms before he was able to touch a hair of Rafa. You pressed him against his car, holding his arm in his back to hurt him. “Wanna have a stop in jail for assault on an Assistant District Attorney?”

“What?” the man realized he could be in trouble, “O-okay, let’s forget about the accident, huh? Nothing happened,” he said, scared.

You heard Rafael laughing and you let the idiot go, “Have a nice evening,” your friend said. You checked your car quickly, there are some repairs to do but you could still make it to Manhattan.

“When I said I didn’t want to be a problem for you, I wasn’t asking for you to kill me,” he joked but like you already told him before, love isn’t a game to you.

“Sorry- but I wasn’t expecting to hear you say something like this,”

He thought before talking, “You can pretend I didn’t say a thing. I don’t mind, hermosa,”

“How could I?”

*

Rafael offered you to stay over for the night but you gently refused. You needed to be alone right now, to think about everything that is going on and for the past two months. Breaking up with Jeff and not hearing for him at all, Sonny and now Rafael. And between all of this, your mother reappeared and you learnt you had a sister. How could your life become this?

In front of your door apartment, your mother was waiting for you. You didn’t bother to greet her, you didn’t smile. “Not happy to see me,” she said.

“Why would I be?” You stopped next to her and didn’t open your door. You didn’t want to invite her in.

“I guess apologies won’t be enough?”

“No chance in hell,”

“Listen, I know you hate me and I understand but you have to help your sister. She is depressed, broken and I don’t know what to do,”

“Sorry to hear that but I’m a cop, not a therapist. All I can do is to find who did this to her,”

“And do you plan on doing that by taking a day off?”

“Excuse me?” you interjected.

“Your coworkers came to see us! I asked about you and they told me you were not working today,”

You wanted to answer, gave her a lot of explanations, to tell her everything you had on your chest but you were too tired to do it. You didn’t have the courage to go there.

“Listen, my coworkers will do everything they can to help Lacey, I can assure that. Now, I’m pretty tired and I would like to be alone,” you confessed, hoping she would leave.

“So, nobody is waiting for you in there? Not even Jeff?”

“Goodbye mother,”

You got into your apartment and left your mother behind. With a bottle of wine, Friends on tv, some ice cream, you curled under your blanket and tried to forget about everything. What is happening with Rafael? Why are you uncontrollably attracted to him? You can’t help, when he is around, you feel something you can’t explain. But Sonny? What is it with him? Are you really in love with him? What is love actually? You loved Jeff, obviously, but it was casual. You’ve always known him, he always been there, especially when your father got sick and then died. What would you have done without him? What is love or just fear to be alone again? Maybe you just stayed with him to be with someone, cause no one else was there?

A terrible headache forced you to lay down in the dark and you fell asleep eventually. When the alarm rang, you shut it off, telling yourself just five more minutes. But it turned into a few hours, until someone knocked at your door. Liv was standing there and let herself in when you opened. “Liv, What- what time is it?” you asked, confused.

“11. Everyone worried about you, are you okay?” She wondered, concerned about your mental health. .

“Yeah, it’s just- I was too tired I’m sorry. I’m gonna take a shower and come to work,”

“Y/N, are you sure you don’t need a few days off? I can see you’re going through a lot, maybe you need to leave the city?”

You sat on a chair and invited your boss to join you. You sighed before answering, “To go where? With who? My work is the only sure thing I have right now, I don’t-“

“This job is already hard enough, and I can’t let my detectives come to work depressed and anxious,”

“I’m not-“ you started to interjected but Liv raised her hand.

“I read your file, Y/N. I know your struggles in the past, are you taking medication again?”

“No, absolutely not! And I don’t want to!”

“I want you to have medical exam,”

“What? Don’t you trust me when I say I’m not taking anything?” You stood up, angry at your boss, your hands started to shake.

“It’s not about the pills but your mental health. If the shrink clear you, then you come back. If not- well, we’ll see.” You were out of words. Just tears came out. “You’re a good detective, Y/N. But you should ask yourself if you’re mentally strong enough for it.”

And she just left.