#because you were very right fitz did belong in this chapter

[bookwyrminspiration]

New wings au, wooo!!

I absolutely loved it so much, I love how Fitz is stressed and scattered in a composed kind of way, idk if that makes sense but it's a particular vibe that you nailed

I love how he absolutely despises The Being as well, it's very funny

Also, that ending tho!!!

Biana, baby, are you alright? Do you need a hug?

I feel like their mental states would get a lot better if they just accepted their new behaviours and incorporated them into their persons

Fitz could be frazzled in his burnt out gifted kid way as he skims across the ground, occasionally flapping his wings as he walks and humming along to a tune in his head, probably a song that he heard from Sophie that he enjoyed (He seems like a pop person, like "Runaway" by Bruno Mars, maybe "Teen Idol" by Marina and the diamonds) because birds, as he compares his notes on "What The Fuck Happened To Us" and going into a fight or flight when someone surprises him, like puffing out his feathers and getting very ruffled and almost preparing for a fight, just instinctively, or flapping his wings when he jumps and just shooting out of the area and climbing back to his house.

Like, I can imagine him getting very skittish around unfamiliar things but also very cocky and confident about things he knows very, very well. Maybe he even gets an ego boost and preens his wings to make them perfect at all times and getting a fascination with his his reflection and how his eyes work.

Also skitting up the side of his house and falling asleep on top of it instead of in it. I can't describe the skitting part but like, half crawling up the side while flapping his wings to give himself a boost and having to remind himself that he is an elf and that elves stand and walk and don't snap at his friend for touching his things or getting into his personal space, a friend that very well knows that it's his area and his stuff and his bed and some stupid little owl isn't going to disturb it like how they disturb his nights and prey-

And then banging his head against a wall while trying to get it back into elf mode and a very sleep deprived Dex just standing there being so confused because all he did was inspect Fitz's pen when Fitz made a low squawking sound and glared at him and puffed out his feathers

Also Dex going through similar changes, except now he's super conscious of every noise he makes and goes out of his way to be as silent as possible.

Also Fitz making a high pitched "Brr?" noise whenever he's surprised or someone's getting his attention and staring at them with wide eyes and being very unnerving, considering he's Fitz

-Heathen

!! I'm glad you enjoyed it! I wasn't 100% sure with this chapter because like...I do not know how Keefe would actually react to his mom dying and the trio just kept making jokes when I was writing everything and I was just sitting there like blease you guyys. this is serious. I actually took out some in editing because when I was writing it I was like this is too many humor. But that's besides the point! the point is I'm thrilled you enjoyed the new chapter <33

(got long so under cut!)

also hell yeah I was going for exactly that vibe with Fitz!! Throughout the whole chapter he was just going "don't freak out everything's fine don't freak out everything's fine dont--" over and over to himself. He is trying so hard to be there for Keefe and to be supportive but also he has no idea what is going on because he doesn't have a monster and has never been to the room and Sophie and Keefe are acting like it's normal so he's gonna act like it's normal too but the walls are fucking moving

I'm not sure he despises the being, but he is definitely very very stressed around it. The last time he saw the thing it was thrashing around and screaming its head off as the place collapsed around them and it nearly took them out on accident with all that flailing, so he doesn't exactly trust it. He doesn't hate it it's just like if you got bit by a dog and then you were nervous around dogs. But he's tolerating it for Keefe's sake and because it seems calmer now...

Biana is going through some things right now, though I can't say what or whether she's okay without spoiling the next chapter. But herougaern that ending gave me so many problems because I kinda have this method of slightly winging things where I've got an idea of what I want but then I like to let it figure itself out in the story. smaller examples include what Sophie stole from the store at the last moment (I didn't actually know what she stole when I wrote that she stole it) and what Fintan told Marella about the stars and the dreamers (I had kind of an idea, but no concrete plan for what it meant). and then in this chapter Biana's thing came up before it'd entirely figured itself out so then I was just there like...what is up with Biana actually. someone please tell me. but I did figure it out, now she just has to!

you know what? I think your assessment is fair. Sophie seems to be doing better now that she's not freaking out about the wings or the new world she find herself in; she's back in contact with her parents and working towards taking down Phoenix and the Neverseen! Now that she's had her moment, it's time to focus on everyone else...we'll just see how they end up coping or accepting things if they do!

also wait hang on I love the idea of birds and humming songs, that's so cute wait a minute. frazzled Fitz comforting himself with music is so so precious. Also I literally drew on the fight or flight idea you said when writing today's chapter that's wings au canon right there baby!! His feathers puffing up when he's annoyed/embarrassed/scared etc. That is canon! He's trying to take up more space so people leave him alone and he can calm down, though the being didn't really seem to be paying him any attention.

Cocky but skittish...you may be onto something there. He's just trying to be there for his friends and acting like everything is under control, but also all of this is very very weird thank you very much and he's in way over his head and has no idea what to do about it. He has eagle wings he just woke up and grew eagle wings his life is very much not normal. How can he not be on edge in a situation like this?!

The preening I've typically attributed to Keefe, but there's nothing stopping that from infecting Fitz as well!! he's gotta make sure all his feathers are in order and that everything's set so he can go out there and. idk do something. what do you do when you're living in a group of your friends on the surface during an apocalypse of monsters. scrabble?

Fitz honey you don't have to sleep on the roof you have. You have a bed. It's canon we've seen it. Sophie watched you sleep that one time remember. when she broke into your house in the middle of the night. Please sir please don't sleep on the roof there are monsters outside that's kinda. that's kinda the whole premise of the au there are monsters outside. especially around where you are there are many monsters.

elf-mode vs bird mode is hilarious! I don't really think it'd fit with what I have planned for Fitz, but the contrast between the two is incredible. also you're so right Dex is sleep deprived. he hasn't figured out how to sleep yet. one day he'll learn how to sleep but not today. today he is chronically tired--sophie infected him with insomnia or something. perhaps the reason Dex likes to be up so late is partially because he's owl based and partially because it's quieter at night! not that the kotlcrew is very loud but being alive tends to make some noise. I personally like to think that Tam and Dex have a kinda night time friendship where they're existing in the same space at the same time when everyone else is asleep. they don't necessarily talk but they enjoy someone else being awake

Fitz *handshake* Echo: going brrr apparently. also you've just made me realize how unnerving he could be. like he's speifically got the funky teal eyes so him staring at people is like...why. your eyes are so bright stop it. stop looking at me like that. and because he usually only stares at Sophie during telepathy things when it's mutual, so having that intense focus on you is like sir what are you trying to do

anyway the point of all this is that Fitz is very dear to my heart and I love him immensely and I'm ecstatic to learn that you enjoyed the chapter!! now I gotta write the next one because this one gave me so much trouble. the end of my semester is nearly upon me, so perhaps I can write extra before the next semester starts...

[a-lonely-tatertot]

Finding Home

A/N: AAH I am so sorry this took so long to update!! And for anyone who didn’t understand the last update it was sorta Snapchat update and once again my beta for this was @bookwyrminspiration

Word count: 3607

Chapter 4: Change of Plans

There was a feeling of freedom that he used to feel every day. Tam missed that feeling as he dragged his sleepy body through the halls of Foxfire. He wanted to laugh. Why, in any world, was he here? He had been outlawed once before, seemingly too dangerous for them. And now here he was, spending day after day teaching children who didn’t understand how wrong their ways were; how to use the gifts they neglected for so long.

“Sir! Sir, is this how you do it?” a kid in the back asked as he floated a few inches in the air. He wobbled as he got higher and tilted from side to side trying not to lose his progress. Tam looked over in approval; he smiled a small smile, and the kid broke out in a grin.  

By the time the bell sounded with a shrill most of the kids had figured out how to float a few inches. Just a normal day, he thought as the next swarm of children came loudly into the clearing.

-

It had been a day since Sophie had gotten Linh’s number, and it had been five hours since the last time Linh texted her. She was using every bit of her self-control to not spam random comments about her classes that were so blatantly desperate cries for attention. Sophie wouldn’t be a clingy girlfriend. That wasn’t her personality. Right?

She wasn’t able to resist the urges that pulled her eyes to her phone screen or the corner of her laptop, begging for a notification to pop up. Quantum Physics was the one class she could actually pay attention to, something she was interested in to get her mind off of the girl who was probably busy working. With many glares and smacks on the arm, Amy drilled it into her head that Linh was “just busy” and Sophie herself had “done nothing wrong.” Sophie doubted both of these but played along for her sister’s sanity.

“What if her feelings have changed?” she asked at lunch, anxiously tapping her finger on the plastic table. Amy raised her eyebrow and looked seconds from dropping her head in her cheese fries.

“Then she’ll get the reward for the fastest change of heart, it’s been three days,” she said and rolled her eyes.

“My relationship with Fitz lasted for like three weeks,” Sophie said matter-of-factly. It was roughly true; even with her perfect memory, days and nights back then ran together making exact times hard to determine.

“That doesn’t count, you guys weren’t technically dating,” Amy brushed off as she slurped the last of her shake. “Plus, she wrote you a note, that’s pretty serious.” Sophie shrugged and tried not to reach for her phone again.

-

“I miss running,” Linh said, staring at her plate. They had been eating dinner, some new recipe that Biana had introduced Linh too. It tasted a bit bland but Tam really couldn’t care about the taste;  he was too busy replaying Linh’s words. Running had been the worst years of his life. Trying to find places to stay, not knowing if he could find food, knowing that the next day would be even more brutal. “I know what you’re thinking,” Linh said with a sigh. He made a noise in response.

“I don’t mean the life or death stuff, that was horrible. I mean like the times that we found that river? Or that field with hundreds of dragonflies! And when the gnomes taught us how to bake and how to make our own clothes! I miss that! I miss it being an adventure,” she said, longing clinging to her words.

He scoffed, “Only you would see it as an adventure.”

“It was more of one than Foxfire will ever be for us.” He couldn’t deny that. The kids didn’t quite need him, and honestly, he felt too young to be teaching them. Never going to the upper levels made his oldest class only a year younger than him, even if he was ages more mature.

Linh studied her plate. “We’re too young for this. For the war we’ve been through. To be teaching children how to fight because the leaders of our world are scared. We need time to grow up.”

That was when he finally got it. “This is about Sophie leaving.”

“It is not!” she shouted. He shook his head, getting up.

“Look,” he said as he started stacking their plates. “I know you two had this weird suppressed emotions thingy that you never talked about, but seriously, it’s been a year since she left.”

Linh sighed. “I miss her but I promise this isn’t about her. I just can’t seem to walk into those halls and teach those kids and not feel like an imposter. Maybe we just don’t belong here, and we’ve never tried belonging in the Forbidden Cities.” Linh was asking for a lot, but by the look on her face, she knew it. He understood what she was saying. He didn’t seem to fit in around the others, and that was okay. He wasn’t supposed to fit. But honestly, he hadn’t talked to the rest of the group in months, and his students were only there for past mistakes, past fears. Mistakes that weren’t his. What did he have to lose?

He stared her in the eye and nodded. “Okay.”

Packing was simple; he still had his old duffle. Dex gave them a harddrive identical to Sophie’s and stole a leaping crystal from the Council for them. “What they don’t know won’t hurt them,” he said with a wink. He was the only one they told; it was easier that way. That way once they were gone Dex could simply say they’d left and reassure everyone that they weren’t dead.

The night they chose was cold, very cold. Snow fell around them in slow motion. It covered the hills, the house, the bushes, everything. The only thing colder than the snow was the icy determination on her face, but he knew underneath she was ecstatic. He reached into his pocket and grabbed the small crystal, Here we go, he thought. This was no time for going back, for second thoughts, for last-minute grabs. This was Tam, this was the way he made the decision to follow his sister because he didn’t have second thoughts when it was Linh.

-

Linh picked her up from school, making her heart skip a beat and anxiety settle itself into a solid in her stomach. A huge grin, bright eyes, and a beanie holding her chaotic hair in place greeted her. The sun’s rays fell in her eyes as she jogged blindly to the dirty white truck. “Didn’t take you for the truck type,” Sophie remarked as she reached Linh.

“It’s actually Chris’s—my boss—he thought picking up my girlfriend was a valid enough reason to take the afternoon off and use his truck. Especially since I got Beth to take my shift,” she threw a smirk over her shoulder and crossed to the driver’s side.

Sophie switched the music twelve times until Linh grabbed her hand to stop her. She focused on the warmth of the hand covering hers to distract herself from the thoughts in the back of her mind, questions that wouldn’t go away, but if she asked them they would sound ridiculous. Linh didn’t need to know about the crazy anxiety underneath. Not yet, not for a while, so Sophie focused on Linh’s hand, her callouses, the lines, her fingers laced between Sophie’s.

“So do I call you Amilia?” Linh asked through the crippling silence.

That made her think. At home, she could be Sophie, and in her head, she was Sophie, sometimes to Amy she was Sophie. To the rest of the world she was Amilia, but maybe it would make sense for Linh to know her how she always had. Shaking her head she responded, “No, to you, I don’t think I’ll ever really be Amilia.”

That was that, Linh only nodded and started dancing to the song that was playing. Sophie watched her and laughed, singing along in her own horrible voice, and forgetting about the emotions that had risen with her own words.

The afternoon carried on, window shopping and debating if frozen custard was better than ice cream. Half the time Sophie’s face was burning and her heart almost beat its way out of her chest every time Linh laughed. It was normal, completely and utterly normal. If it was a movie Sophie would’ve fallen asleep and Amy would’ve been acting like the action had only just begun. Part of her mind wanted to know if Amy had ever felt like this. Part of her wanted to know if the feeling ever went away.

-

“What is this place?” Tam asked her. There were hundreds of towering buildings staring down at them, watching. The glass, the lights, the cameras on street corners and shops; it was overwhelming. On the other hand, Linh looked completely in her element. She looked like herself for the first time. He still resisted the urge to put himself in front of her and this new world. This wasn’t his place, but it was Linh’s and because of that he would make it.

“It’s called Denver,” she responded, and there was a look in her eyes that Tam didn’t like.

He didn’t like any of this. “Come on dear brother, Dex gave us the address for a ‘hotel’ to stay in.” The look on her face suggested that there was more to do than just find the hotel.

They headed west, trying to tell the building apart from the others. Tower after tower went by and crowds of people trapped them. Swarmed on every side, talking, moving, crashing into one another. Colors, sounds, shapes, things he had never seen. It took everything in him not to jump every time a person bumped him, to not take a friendly smile as a threat. This, this is what he'll always remember of running. How when they got to the dwarven cities he clutched Linh's hand just to know she was still there. When their parents kicked them out and everyone they knew suddenly turned against them. He'll always remember the blood pounding in his ears, the buzz of his veins, the thoughts like arrows in his head.

His throat went dry, and his voice broke when he spoke, "Linh, Linh I don't like this."

"Come on, it's not far!" She didn't even look back. So Tam kept going even as his mind began to scream danger and begged to turn back. She needs this, Tam thought.

But why? a part of him asked, and he quickly tuned it out. He didn't have second thoughts with Linh.

-

They pulled into the apartment complex as the sun started to set below the city line. Sophie laughed when Linh ended up getting lost three times. She didn’t say that she knew it was on purpose. She didn’t say that she, too, wasn’t ready for the night to end. Only laughed and gave her the right directions again and again.

The big black numbers on the side of her building came into view and for a split second she thought about not pointing them out, but Linh had already seen them. The steering wheel turned too fast for Sophie’s liking as they pulled into a parking spot next to the stairs. Doors shut softly in the dark silence of the night, and the stairs seemed shorter than she remembered. She wished there was a way to slow down time to make this moment at her door last a bit longer just so she could look at Linh one more time.

“So, I guess this is it,” Linh said softly, barely audible over the wind.

“Yeah, I guess it is,” Sophie looked up at her eyes, they were bright in the dark of night. They glistened and held something behind them like she was waiting for permission. It gave Sophie a burst of confidence and she asked, “Or you could stay the night?”

Linh’s eyes widened and for a beautiful, heart-stopping second Sophie thought she would say yes. She laughed nervously and said, “I think that there’s an unspoken rule about not staying the night after a first date.”

Sophie opened her mouth to respond when the door swung open loudly behind her to reveal Amy in fuzzy socks and some form of mismatched pajamas. “Yes! There is! It’s called: Sibling Gossip Time so get-“ Amy said hurriedly and out of breath.

“Amy!” Sophie exclaimed, Amy only rolled her eyes. “I am so sorry about her, but yeah she’ll probably kill me if she doesn’t get an update. Tam would probably be worried if you didn't come home, I'd rather he not kill me." For a moment Sophie thought that Linh’s eyes widened in surprise, thrown off by the mention of Tam. She pushed the thought out of her head trying not to think what it meant.

With an easy smile, Linh pecked her on the cheek, momentarily freezing Sophie’s brain, and gave a small wave to Amy and made her way down the stairs. Sophie could only stare after, words in her throat but not getting any farther.

-

A month later, they had found a place to stay outside of hotels and motels. Tam was able to find a job at a grocery store while Linh worked afternoons at a restaurant down the street. The moon was high in the sky and Tam was finally falling asleep when Linh stumbled through the door. A small crashing sound followed the door closing. "Linh?" he called out hesitantly, "Are you okay?"

A ray of light revealed her disheveled face. Makeup ran down her cheeks and her hair was disheveled. "Clearly not," she said, a bite in her words.

"What happened to you?" he asked, throwing off the covers.

"Go back to bed."

Tam stared at her, eyebrows furrowed, eyes wide, "No I'm not leaving you alone."

"I’m telling you to leave me alone. I am fine."

"Did I do something?"

Linh groaned. “Well yeah, you weren’t supposed to see this.

“But I did, now what?”

Linh whirled on him, “Now, you stop asking questions and forget about it, got it? I don’t need your help.”

Her nostrils flared and she stared at him with a fury he’d seen before but always directed at other people; for once he was scared of his baby sister. He had so many more questions and concerns but he’d never seen her so angry before, so reckless. For once he was scared of what she’d do. “Okay,” he said simply. He wished he hadn’t.

The moment the door closed Amy dragged her to the couch and forcibly sat Sophie down. “Tell me everything,” Amy said, eyes narrowing.

“Well she picked me up from school,” Sophie started, trying not to laugh.

“Well yeah; I already knew that but it does give her some bonuses for being classic,” Amy nodded.

Sophie halted, staring at her sister quizzically. "I'm sorry are you testing my girlfriend?"

"Oh sweetie, what else did you expect me to do?"

"Be normal?" Sophie raised her eyebrow, but Amy only laughed. So, Sophie continued and recollected the night. Only a few times Amy butted in with comments.

When she finished Amy hesitated and asked, “Did you guys talk about Tam at all?”

Startled, Sophie said, “No, why?”

A look crossed Amy’s face that she didn’t quite like, “I just think you should ask her about him.”

And that was that; Tam didn’t get brought up, and neither did Linh. Shoveling oven pizza in their mouths in between words, Amy hopped from topic to topic like their conversation never happened. Avoidance, Sophie knew the strategy all too well; she played along anyway. It was easier that way.

-

Linh wasn't talking to him. No matter how many times he tried, through notes, through shadows, through everything he could think of. She pretended he didn't exist, spending nights out more often or avoiding him completely when they ended up home together. Tam was lost. This was who they were, they didn't fight, they tried not to argue, and when they did Linh always came to him to talk it out. That's what he did. He waited for her to come to him.

He took as many shifts as he could, some days he watched the sunrise and set through the dirty glass. He didn't talk to coworkers as much as they tried, he didn't need new attachments. It happened slowly, realizing that he didn't see Linh anymore. She was either out doing something when he got home or passed out on the couch. Tam didn't know how he could help if she wouldn't let him.

The first thing he noticed was that she wasn't sleeping. At night he started to pretend to be asleep and see if she would get up. Every night, after thirty minutes of laying there, she'd get up and go out. She didn't sleep, the bags under her eyes grew. So did the hole in his stomach.

Then she stopped coming home at all. She'd leave a note saying she was gone, at this party or another, taking one more shift so they could pay for rent. There was always a reason. The only sign of his sister was the laundry basket that would sometimes appear by the door while he slept.

"Where's my work clothes dammit!" It was the first time she spoke to him in two weeks.

"What?" Tam asked the air, still bewildered by the fact that she was talking.

"My work clothes! I've gotta take Wyatt's shift and mine tonight which means I'll be like the only person there and I need my work clothes! Wyatt's gonna kill me if I'm late I can’t be demoted- they were right here I swear!" she threw up her hands and paced.

"Calm down calm down-"

"Don't you tell me to calm down-"

"Oh, I'm sorry the first time you've talked to me you're losing your shit over something simple-"

"Well I for one would like to pay for rent and I need my freaking work clothes to do it!" she glared at him with fury he hadn't seen before.

"Well if you actually talked to me you'd realize I got promoted so you don't need to worry about rent right now!" Tam yelled back, throwing his arms out.

"I'm not talking to you? I never see you to talk to you anymore!"

"That’s because you're always out making some other mistake that I am not going to join in on!"

"This would've never happened if you just stayed HOME!" she yelled and her voice cracked a bit, "You were happy doing the same damn thing over and over again. You would've thrived there."

"You asked me to come, you asked me for Sophie, for adventure. I said yes because I didn't want to fix our world's problems but this isn't better," Tam’s eyebrows furrowed and his tone implored.

"Yeah well, maybe you should just go home because clearly being here isn't doing anything for you. I should've never told you I was leaving, that was my only mistake," she said her voice calm.

Somehow that hurt more than when she was yelling. Linh gave him a final, pitying look before she closed the door behind her with a final slam.

The door closed, and he could hear her feet receding and he made his decision. He didn’t belong here, but maybe Linh did, and he had to trust she’d be okay without him.

-

Laying alone in her bed Sophie studied the ceiling. Why hadn’t Linh talked about Tam? Or at least mentioned him? She tried not to think about it. It wasn’t her business anyway. Why would she hide it though? her brain asked.

Sophie could think of a thousand reasons.

But what if she doesn’t trust you?

Chilling air brushed against her toes and she pulled them back under the fluffy blanket and curled herself in a ball. The fan on the ceiling still made noise every time she turned it on, a soft, tick, tick, tick. The wind was loud. Her distrust was louder. It ticked through her thoughts as she drifted, still, she couldn’t shake the cold dread coming over her.

-

Tam left. He cleaned up his stuff, washing his clothes in the meager washer and dryer and throwing them into a duffle bag. By the time the moon had risen he was all packed. He grabbed the elven crystal from under his pillow and held it up to the moon. With a flash, he was back in the clearing they had left in a half a year earlier. This time, Fitz was standing there, startled like a scared deer, staring at him like he had seen a ghost.

"Dex said you weren’t coming back," Fitz finally said barely above a whisper.

"Plans change," Tam said simply. "Where are you going?"

"Following your lead I guess, hoping I last a bit longer," he responded, staring at the crystal in his hand. There was a look in his eyes that Tam wanted to understand and in a split second of impulsiveness, he made a decision.

"Mind if I hitch a ride?" he asked, Fitz gave him a crooked smile.

"Thought you'd never ask."

-

Finally, drifting off, Sophie’s mind was still on Linh, on Tam. Questions that she didn’t know how to ask. Without her control, her mind searched for them. That night, her dreams were filled with memories that were not hers.

[blackandwhitemotley]

Fool’s Errand Question Time:

1. What were your favourite moments? 

The first chapter, with Chade’s visit. I think Hobb excells at beginnings and setting up atmospheres and characters, because her first chapters always suck me right in. (I wish I could say the same about her endings)

The reunion between Fitz and the Fool

The peaceful days they spend in Fitz’s cabin ❤︎

Every single one of Fennel’s lines

Fitz coming back to Buckkeep and noticing all the changes

Kettricken asking Fitz to bring her son back

The dinner at the Bresinga’s, and Fitz finding out that everyone is Witted through Tibbits (Sydel’s kitten)

The Fool helping Fitz through a seizure

Nighteyes stopping Fitz from torturing/killing Deerkin

The face-off against the Piebalds before Fitz goes through the pillar with Dutiful

Nighteyes’s death (very painful but beautifully done)

Lord Golden and Tom Badgerlock swearing loyalty to Dutiful

2. Favourite quotes? 

Sometimes I think there is more rest in that place between wakefulness and sleep than there is in true sleep. The mind walks in the twilight of both states, and finds the truths that are hidden alike by daylight and dreams. Things we are not ready to know abide in that place, awaiting that unguarded frame of mind.

Some speak of the savagery of beasts. I will ever prefer that to the thoughtless contempt some men have towards animals.

The tawny man approached silently save for the rhythmic striking of his horse’s hooves. When he drew near, he reined in his beast with a touch, and sat looking down on me with amber eyes. He smiled. Something turned over in my heart.

‘In the space of a sundown, you show me the wide world from a horse’s back, and the soul of the world within my own walls.’

Not every problem in the world belongs to you.

There is no shame in walking away from bones, Changer.

‘Fitz, Fitz. They never even saw me in the first place. They saw only a jester and a freak. I deliberately took no name when first I arrived here. To most of the lords and ladies of Buckkeep, I was just the Fool. They heard my jokes and saw my capers, but they never really saw me.’ He gave a small sigh. Then he gave me a considering look. ‘You made it a name. The Fool. And you saw me. You met my eyes when others looked aside, disconcerted.’ I saw the tip of his tongue for a second. ‘Did you never guess how you frightened me? That all my ruses were useless against the eyes of a small boy?’

All cats talk however they want. To whomever they want. But only a rude human speaks out of turn. Be quiet. I told you. She likes me better than you.

I nodded to it, steeled myself, and walked out into the pouring rain. It was every bit as cold and unpleasant as I expected it to be. I stood, eyes squinted and shoulders hunched to it, peering out through the grey downpour. Then I took a breath and resolutely changed my expectations. As Black Rolf had once shown me, much discomfort was based on human expectations. As a man, I expected to be warm and dry when I chose to be. Animals did not harbour any such beliefs. So it was raining. That part of me that was wolf could accept that. Rain meant being cold and wet. Once I acknowledged that and stopped comparing it to what I wished it to be, the conditions were far more tolerable. I set out.

He wore my face. He wore my face to the extent that I knew the spot under his chin where the hair grew in an odd direction and would be hard to shave, when he was old enough to shave. He had my jaw, and the nose I had had as a boy, before Regal had broken it. His teeth, like mine, were bared in a battle rictus. Verity’s soul had planted the seed in his young wife to conceive this boy, but his flesh had been shaped from my flesh. I looked into the face of the son I had never seen nor claimed, and a connection suddenly formed like the cold snap of a manacle.

‘He looks so like you at that age that it makes my heart ache.’

Go carefully, my heart, I wished after him, but softly, softly, lest he know how much I feared for him.

‘My Lord Golden, is it you who thinks I am an idiot, that you put on this show for me? Or is it the wish of Tom Badgerlock?’

3. Did the reread change your opinion of the book? In what way? 

It’s just as amazing as I remembered ❤︎ ❤︎ ❤︎ 

Two things really stood out for me in this reread.

Nighteyes’ death looms over the entire book, but Fitz is deeply, deeply in denial. Nighteyes keeps trying to tell Fitz he’s going to have to go on without him (‘I’m too old to do this sort of thing any more. No. You only wish you were.’) and makes sure he won’t be alone (‘I’m glad the Scentless One returned to us. I’m glad that you know where to find him.’, [about Fitz Skill-dreaming peacefully with Nettle] ‘I’m glad you can get to a place like that.’). His death - and Cat’s - hit me even harder this time.

The other thing has to do with the way Fitz treats Dutiful, especially when they’re stranded on Others’ beach together. Fitz is plagued by concern for his friends’ fate, so he takes it out on Dutiful, and it’s just... wrong on so many levels. He keeps threatening to punch him (‘Tell me you’re Piebald again, and I’ll have to beat it out of you.’ Burrich’s upbringing is really shining bright there...) And it’s not just threats, he keeps shoving and manhandling him, and the Wit healer is later horrified by the bruises she can see on Dutiful’s body. Fitz is just... awful and abusive and this passage was really hard to read. I think this chapter is when I really start to dislike the person that he has become, because his youth can’t excuse - or rather, explain - his behaviour anymore.

[the-writer-nerd-ro]

Excessive cuddling? In my Dankesy ship? It's more likely than you think.

Anyway I can't stop myself from writing this and the end of this chapter will directly flow into the start of the next one so this chapter is shorter.

Chapter 1, Chapter 2

Men out of Time Chapter 3

Deke lay across Daniel’s lap, trying to message his grandparents and future mom as Kora and Daisy managed the ship. They all did their best to pull their weight but both boys admitted that Daisy and Kora were more important to the crew than they were. Sometimes Sousa felt like he didn’t even belong there at all, since he couldn’t fight like Daisy and Kora or innovate like Deke. Then a crisis would happen and he would realize that he held the one brain cell whenever something stressful happened. Because everyone else on this ship chose fighting or martyrdom as the response to almost everything and Daniel was the only one who could talk any of them down. 

Of Daisy’s boyfriends, Daniel was the only one Kora actually liked. He got along great with family, he was just charming. Whenever Deke called his grandparents they spent more time talking to Daniel and Daisy than him, which is why Deke had started messaging them more than calling.

Coming out to FitzSimmons had been an absolute trip for Deke.

“Nana? Bobo? I have something to tell you,” Deke had mentioned after they had all finally gotten used to the whole not dying thing.

"Yeah, Deke? You can tell us anything," Jemma assured, per usual a thousand times more patient and affectionate with Deke than her husband. 

"I'm in love with Daisy."

"That's not news. We already knew that," Fitz said, ready to get back to their daughter. 

"Oh, Deke, I'm so sorry. I know it can hurt to be in love with someone who doesn't see you that way. But Daisy has a boyfriend," Jemma broke the news so gently that Deke had to hold back his laughter.

"Uh, no, actually, we have a boyfriend. I'm in a relationship with both Daisy and Daniel. I'm bi. And polyamorous."

Fitz surprised him the most, "Was it Mack?"

"What?" 

"Everyone's a little bi for Mack."

"Bobo, are you attracted to Mack?"

"Everyone is!" Fitz protested.

"Tell him about Hunter," Jemma suggested, and Fitz let out the loudest groan.

"Before Simmons starts making stuff up we should probably go."

"Leopold," Jemma started.

"Right. We're very happy for you, Deke. We're very proud and glad that you could be open with us."

"Thanks, Bobo, that means a lot to-" Fitz had clearly hung up, "-me." Deke didn't mind his Bobo's impatience or teasing. He was just happy that his family accepted him.

Of course, Daisy and Daniel were his new family now. Their acceptance was the only kind that really mattered. He felt so comfortable and seen with them, he didn't have to be on guard, didn't even have to pretend to be happy all of the time. He didn't feel like a nuisance or a pet because his partners always treated him like a person.

He tried to make it up to them in a thousand ways. Lemons, easy chores, broken electronics. He'd learned how to repair Daniel's typewriter, and was perfecting his backrubs. Sometimes he almost felt good enough for the relationship and then Daisy or Daniel would run their hands through his hair and he'd feel so good and so small at the same time. 

His other family helped with that. Just talking to Nana and Bobo, or Mack and Elena, or Coulson, or sometimes even May helped immensely. Because they all kept in touch with Daniel and Daisy as well, so all of Deke's frantic calls could be met with the assurance that his partners were madly in love with him, that he didn't have to prove anything to anyone, he just had to start believing it himself.

Daniel was better at saying it than either of them. He could say, "I love you," without a moment's hesitation. It had taken Deke and Daisy a little longer to be comfortable with the turn of phrase. At first, they found other ways to say it. Easier ways to say it. They got so tongue-tied around love that they would rather just lock lips or tangle bodies than commit to the sentence. But eventually even the hardest I love yous fell easily from their tongues, the earned reward of a difficult devotion. 

They clicked together so naturally, but their love wasn't always easy. Deke, Daisy, and Daniel all had heads full of storms, pasts from which they could never fully recover, moments of insecurity that cut them deeply. Together everything made sense but apart their heads jumbled and their love took work. It was easy to love each other. It was much harder to love themselves.

[kirayun]

The Journey Of Destiny (Eng. Version) - S1E01: Pilot

AO3 Link

Previous Chapter Tumblr: X

Summary: Skye and Jemma thought they had missed their chance and would never see each other again. But on the first day of work for Agent Coulson's new team, the two girls get a big surprise. 

Jemma Simmons was excited for this new adventure, the opportunity to be on this chosen team alongside her best friend and investigate all that was mysterious and new. They had already started with something big: an explosion and an apparent new superhero out on the streets. Apparently they also had a lead on a hacker belonging to The Rising Tide that Agent Coulson and Agent Ward had gone to pick up, but she had been assigned with Fitz and Agent May to inspect the explosion site.

During the trip his mind went back to a certain brunette she had met in a diner during her leave. That day she had felt something special, a connection she had never felt before with someone she had just met, not even with Fitz with whom at the academy she had immediately bonded for their love of science.

For Jemma, the encounter with Skye had made her believe for the first time in something superior to science and the facts proven by it, as if some cosmic force wanted the two of them to be destined to meet, to be part of their own lives. Unfortunately, however, it had all happened so quickly that she had forgotten to find a way to stay in touch with the other girl and was now convinced that she would never see her again.

.

Skye was looking around inside this strange interrogation that she was sure was inside a plane. Officer T-1000 was dozing on his desk after their "interrogation". And even though she believed the soporific effect was true and she was actually sleeping, she wasn't entirely convinced that the truth serum story was truly legitimate and that they were just playing with her. But she didn't mind that. She liked Agent Coulson's style, and besides, she was playing her little game too. It was part of her plan that they track her down through the Mike Peterson footage and take her inside. She had spent months hacking into SHIELD in a desperate search to find answers about her parents, and all she got was a document censored by the organization that was now holding her. Skye was taking a lot of risks with this operation. Trying to infiltrate the world's largest intelligence agency could have her locked up forever, but what other choice did she have? Besides discovering her origins, she really didn't have any other goals in life, and the only time her mind thought of something different in life, she let the opportunity slip right under her nose…

"Billions of dollars of equipment at your disposal, and I beat you with a laptop that I won in a bet?"

Thinking back to the sentence that Skye had said to the two agents shortly before, it reminded her of the young scientist she met in that diner. Jemma…

For the first time she had felt a real connection with someone, the desire to have a person next to her and the possibility of building something with them. She already knew that Miles liked her and that he wanted something from their "relationship", but for her he was just a way to not feel alone and pretend that she really has someone by her side. Not that she liked using anyone like this, but she had tried to clear things up with Miles several times before, but he seemed to believe that one day things would change.

But with Jemma it had been different. A brief meeting one morning was enough to make her feel that something, that magnetism towards another person and the need to always have it in one's life. Destiny had been mocking, however, because as quickly as he had sent the English girl into her life, she was immediately taken away from her even before she had the chance to create something. And so, once she got her soul at peace, she plunged back into her mission.

Now Skye just had to find a way to get into Agent Coulson's good graces and be able to stay as long as possible…

.

Jemma had just gotten back on the bus when Agent Coulson approached her group.

"Everyone in the meeting room, we convinced our guest to tell us what she knows about our mystery hero." Coulson said.

Jemma followed her superior into the meeting room ready to work on whatever information this girl had to give, when her world suddenly froze. Because the hacker of The Rising Tide front of her was no stranger. It was the girl from the diner she had given away her previous laptop to during a bet: she was Skye. The girl she lost contact with was a hacker who had hacked her agency and was now working with them to investigate.

Immediately the same thing was happening to Skye, that while waiting for the rest of the team, the last person who expected to appear in front of her was Jemma.

Jemma who apparently worked for SHIELD. The same SHIELD she was infiltrating. This complicates everything. How did she use the agency for her own purposes and at the same time finally get the chance to meet the girl she couldn't stop thinking about? Looking at her she was immediately captured again by that innocent and joyful charm that the English girl emanated without even realizing it.

Coulson's voice roused the two girls from their quick thoughts that had gone unnoticed by the rest of those present. "Skye these are agents Fitz, Simmons and May." He then proceeded to quickly illustrate the duties of the aforementioned agents. Plus now Skye finally knew Jemma's last name.

During the quick introductions neither of the girls gave evidence that they had met before. It was as if through a single glance between them they had mutually agreed to keep this little secret, at least until they had a chance to talk privately face to face.

Everything else passed quickly enough. The team had Mike Peterson to handle and an explosion case to solve.

.

As a first mission Jemma certainly did not expect all this: a device that was a mix of all known sources of superpowers and unstable and dangerous enough to generate strong explosions, the sudden reappearance of Skye, Fitz acting strangely while he talked to her on speakerphone… and now they'll have to figure out a way to make the dendrotoxin rifle (she still refuses to call it a night-night gun) to make Mike Peterson helpless before Agent Ward is forced to kill him. And as their superior had said, that would have meant leaving a child orphaned of his father. She tried to calm Fitz by comparing the assignment to an exam, hoping that her best friend would be able to concentrate and together they would solve the problem as they always had.

But the worst part happened when Agent Coulson revealed that Peterson had taken Skye and was now standing right next to a human bomb ready to go off at any moment. Jemma was beginning to wonder if she'll ever really get the chance to have that real reunion with the young hacker, or if there will just be an eternal chance they never got to grab and try. She prayed with all her heart that everything would be fine and that no one else would lose their life today.

.

After they managed to stop Mike Peterson without killing him and handed him over to the SHIELD medical team, everyone could finally take a deep breath and recover from the last very grueling hours. They were all back on the bus and immediately divided for different purposes: Coulson and May were in his office debriefing, Ward was setting up the equipment in the armory, Fitz was in the laboratory, and Jemma was looking for their host so they could finally talk face to face.

After wandering around the bus, she finally found her outside, in front of the other girl's van after the latter had just changed into a red dress with boots. Apparently he would have accompanied Agent Coulson to deliver Ace, Peterson's son, to his aunt. Jemma took a breath and gathered all the courage to get closer and finally begin their long awaited chat.

Skye, hearing footsteps approaching, turned to find Jemma Simmons facing her. She had been waiting and at the same time dreading this meeting a lot and now the time had finally come.

"Hi…" Jemma began hesitantly.

"Hi." Skye replied in turn, without the confidence that had distinguished her during their previous meeting at the diner.

Neither of them knew where to start. Both seemed to be waiting for the other to move.

"So ... you're a The Rising Tide hacker." Jemma said first.

"And you are a SHIELD scientist." Skye retorted.

They were from two opposite worlds: one fought for freedom of information (and in secret to discover their origins) while the other was part of the most secretive and powerful intelligence agency on the planet. Yet in reality neither of them was frightened or worried by these factors. Inside they were just happy that they could meet again.

“You know, you still owe me breakfast. Last time you ran away without even giving me your number. A girl could almost think you did it on purpose. " Skye said with self-confidence again and started to look like the girl flirting with the scientist that famous morning ..

Jemma was blown away by Skye's newfound attitude. "N-no ... that morning I was in a hurry and I forgot ... I swear I didn't mean ..." She mumbled the sentences trying to say something that didn't suggest that she really had done it on purpose not to give her number to the other girl.  

Skye's little laugh stopped Jemma from her babble. "I'm making fun of you. I too forgot to leave a contact that day. " The girl sat on the edge of the open compartment of her van and motioned for the scientist to sit with her.

Jemma joined her and the two were now sitting side by side looking into each other's eyes.

“After you left and I realized we hadn't even left a phone number or email, I was convinced I wouldn't see you again. I didn't even know your surname to try to find you. " Skye confessed.

"I don't know your surname either for that." Jemma pointed out to the other girl.

"But I don't have a surname, I'm just Skye." The hacker responded in turn.

“Only Skye huh? Somehow I doubt that you've never had a surname in your entire life ”Jemma reasoned smiling.

"Yeah, only Skye," she said smiling too. Technically because of the Sisters of St. Agnes Skye she had a surname, and another name as well, but she certainly had no intention of embarrassing herself in front of Jemma.

The two girls would have gladly sat there staring at each other and talking about anything forever, but unfortunately they were joined by Coulson who was walking down the ramp of the plane.

"Skye we are ready to go, Ace has finished medical checks and said goodbye to his father" The agent in charge of the team said in their direction.

Skye looked up in his direction "Yes I'm on my way, a minute" And as the agent walked over to Lola, her vintage car, she turned her eyes back on Jemma "This time I'm the one who has to go."

The young scientist was frightened at this, convinced that she would never see Skye again, again. "Already?! But…, ”she said, unable to put into words the wish for her to stay longer.

Skye smiled at this and stood up, walking past the other girl. “Don't worry, I'm not going to disappear. Something tells me we'll meet again soon. " She concluded the statement with a wink and then walked to the red car while Jemma sat there with her mouth slightly open staring at her and with a slight blush caused by Skye's latest action.

The hacker wasn't lying when she said she wasn't going to disappear, now she had two reasons to be able to try to stay around SHIELD. Now she just had to find a way to get inside…

And as if someone were listening to her prayers, Agent Coulson had words to say to Skye once she reached him in the car. "As we go, I have an offer that maybe you might be interested in."

Perfect, it was as if destiny wanted to give her a hand. Not only had her journey to truth come to a turning point, but a new one also seems to have begun. A journey that included a beautiful English scientist named Jemma Simmons.

[linkspooky]

Fitzgerald, Dostoyevsky, and Agatha Christie were introduced to us as three antagonists in the same chapter. (Obviously Christie hasn't played a role yet but I think it's safe to assume she will.) But as far as Fitzgerald and Dostoyevsky go, do they foil each other? Where do you think their arcs will take them?

As antagonists and the leaders of their respective factions, both Fitz and Dos are foils in the sense that they’re a study in contrasts. Even the actions they take as they are introduced are complete opposites. Fitzgerald values money above everything else, and his first instinct was to simply buy the agency. Fitzgerald is like a general who leads from the front lines, whereas Dos is a rat who hides in the shadows and leads while scurrying around. 

1. The Businessman and the Thief

His desires are pretty simple, money and influence should give him the power to change the world in a way he sees fit, if he acquires enough money nothing should be impossible for him even bringing back the dead. If he has enough money, there is nothing he cannot control, there is no tragedy that he cannot endure. In Gatsby fashion, he sees money as a means to an end to acquiring people the same way one would purchase an object that belongs to them.

Fitzgerald loves money, but he almost never hoards it. He spends it very easily and with little compunction. In fact his entire ability revolves around spending money as quickly as possible and basically wasting it to increase his own physical strength, because it’s not about the accumulation of money itself that he wants so much money for but rather the power it gives him.

Dos’s first instinct is to burn away all the money and jewels in Ace’s vault like they were nothing. Fitz is a businessman but Dos is a thief and that already puts them on opposite ends. The guild had an incredible reputation and was a powerhouse of information, and had manpower and resources. The rats are few, and they crawl around in the dark and steal and sabotage to survive rather than face others in open warfare the way Fitzgerald did. 

If what Fitzgerald values the most is money and therefore that’s what he seeks to have power over, or to use to gain power, then what Dos values is “life.” What he wants is the concept of a pure life, free from sin and free from the world’s troubles. 

So the same way that Fitzgerald’s ability wastes money, Dos’s ability is one that kills with a touch. It gives him power over life and death. Hence why Dos has a tendency to act as judge, jury, and executioner on the people he fights. 

I would also argue that while Gatsby’s goal is entirely self motivated. He wants to get his family back, and the rest of the world can burn for all he cares. Gatsby may occasionally look kind, he may save people, but everything he does will only ever benefit himself in the end. Gatsby is like a businessman he acts to maximize profit and minimize loss, and he also considers those around him his own personal assets, possessions that are worth more to them than random strangers which is why he’s willing to raze an entire city for the sake of a few people. However, Gatsby’s self motivated ambitions are not something that makes him better or worse that Dos, simply opposite. 

Everything Dos does is for the sake of the world around him. He commits crimes that he does no personally want to do, if he believes it will lead the people around him without a better world. If he creates the “world without the sin of ability users” it is likely that Dos will disappear too along with the rest of the ability users. Fitz carries the burdens of everyone around him, the guild, his wife, his dead daughter and acts as their caretaker which makes him cold to the rest of the world. Whereas, Dos takes on the entire world and the burden of it and that prevents him from getting close to anyone.

They also both contradict themselves and their own desires. What Fitz wants is to minimize the casualties the guild has to endure, (which is also what sets him apart from Mori who does not care if one of his executives dies because he can always find another one, and will even dangle them on a rope and threaten to let them fall if they fail him like with Akutagawa). However, because he cannot see the people underneath him fully as people, the guild falls apart under Fitz’s leadership and when that happens Fitzgerald simply runs away from all of that for a long while. Long enough for things to fall even further apart. 

Whereas while Dos values life so much that he wants to create a world where ability users never endanger people’s lives, he at the same time recklessly mistreats life. He wants to create a world for children, but at the same time he expresses that desire he actively manipulates a child into killing herself in front of another person. Dos deeply cares about the world, but he also tends to choose ideals and the world he longs for, rather than the world right in front of him. He’s not trying to improve or even accept the world he sees right now, he’s trying to find a magic book to rewrite all of it. 

They’re also opposites in their approaches. Fitzgerald fights people head on, and always leaves the most important jobs to himself. 

Whereas Dos is somebody who acts from the shadows in all times, and leaves the most important jobs into the underlings he raises to be complete sycophants and worshippers of him. Unlike Fitzgerald who always acts personally, Dos always acts impersonally. 

But the core of this behavior is the same. Dos and Fitz both want to be in control of everything, it’s just their methods of control that differ. Dos believes that he can plan out everything from afar and if he perfectly controls the subordinates underneath him, to the point of brainwashing them even or modifying them in some way, he will be in total control and his plans will go off perfectly. Whereas Ftiz believes if he uses his own personal money, and does the most important jobs himself then everything will be under his control. 

Both of these behaviors stem from an inability to trust others. The people working under Fitz are not comrades, they are things he feels possessive and protective over. Whereas, Dostoevsky barely sees the people working under him as individuals considering how much he modifies them to be completely dependent on him. Fitz could have picked less of a risky strategy and instead let the members of the guild he had remaining fight by his side, instead of attempting a terrorist act and he might have won that way but he did not even consider that possibility because control would be out of his hands. 

2. Seeing Others as Things

The greatest similarity is how as leaders they both treat the people underneath them as things which belong to them, rather than their comrades, friends of allies. 

They are both in a way the same type of leader, because they are both charismatic individuals who are the center of their organizations, and who attract outcasts who end up rallying around them and devoting themselves entirely to them. The type of person they attract is ironically, the kind of person who wants to devote the entirety of themselves to some other person, or some other cause because they have no confidence in themselves at all. They latch onto Dos’ and Fitz’s self confidence. Their selfishness, and self driven motivations are exactly what attracts followers. They are both larger than life figures with their entire organizations centered around them and their impossible ambitions. 

People find the ambitions and dreams of Fitz and Dos strangely compelling and want to see them make it a reality, even if they are as impossible as reviving the dead or purging every ability user from the world. 

People want to feel useful to them, they want to be around Fitz and Dos because they believe they will make the best use of them, better than they can do themselves. They are both strong leaders who attract lost, directionless people who want to be led. 

And the people underneath their thumbs tend to devote all of themselves to them. To the point where the world is centered around them. Louisa is timid, and generally good natured she even helped Lucy out of a bad situation with her orphanage, but she was also the one to suggest the city destruction plan to Fitz. 

It’s because of this tendency that their weakness as leaders is how much they control the people underneath them. Even if they wanted to care about them and treat them right, ultimately they are only seen as possessions. Fitzgerald uses money to completely control the people underneath him. 

Despite his best intentions, Fitzgerald ends up using people in the end. He ends up making decisions that he thinks are in their best interest. He treats them as assets and possessions because that is really the only way he can see people, after suffering the uncontrollable loss of his daughter he wishes to control others. 

Fitz is geninely thoughtful of other people, and also tries to live up to them and be the best leader he can be mainly for the sake of the people around him. The deal between Louisa and himself he made is less Louisa selling herself to him and more of a promise between them, Louisa promised to be his subordinate, and Fitz promised to lead her. However, at the same time Fitzgerald can never let himself do anything truly altruistic he must always act in a way that benefits him personally. He’s not on the side of the weak, he’s not in a charitable mood, in the end he’ll always side with the strong and use power to control everything. 

Which is why Steinbeck believes he has not truly changed, and wants to crush him. Because, the way Fitzgerald sees it it’s still necessary for him to stand above others, and until he lets go of the idea that the people around him exist for his benefit he will never truly have a friend. 

Ironically, the ambition that both drives him and attracts other people to him in the first place are also the same ambitions that drives him away fro others. Louisa is close to an equal, but she still can only define herself as a servant to him, even if she’s a servant he treats especially well. The only one trying to become his friend also feels like he has to knock Fitz down a peg first before he can even become friends. 

The main difference in both Dos and Fitz’s manipulative attitudes is that Fitz is in the process of learning to see others as equals, and make friends with his subordinates. He has people like Louisa who actually want him around as a person and want to work with him, and he treats them with respect in kind even while utilizing her for all she is worth. 

The people who are closest to being his equals come from his total opposites. Steinbeck is a poor boy from the country doing things for his family, Louisa is a timid girl with no self confidnece or ambitions of her own to speak of, and yet because they both see Fitzgerald as a person they are capable of being his friends despite being so different from him.

Not only do Dos’s subordinates literally not comprehend his actions, nor do they need to they only need to follow his orders and he will just modify their brains if they don’t. Not only that, but Dos does not believe himself capable of even holding a conversation with someone unless they are of equal intellect to him. 

Dos is one step beyond even Fitz because he does not work with someone unless he can completely control their lives in some way. Life and death, everything, absolutely everything has to be in the palm of his hands. 

He doesn’t just control the people under him, he physically alaters them to the point where they are no longer themselves. They’re no longer human. Whereas Fitzgerald is at least aware of the personal hopes and dreams of his subordinates, Dos does not even allow them to dream, nor are they really privvy to his dreams. 

For Dos nobody exists as his equal in his need to have absolute control, which is why so many of those associated with him in the decay of angels end up dead. He predicts their actions and reads them on the surface, but he forgets they are separate people from him with rich internal words. He reads them like they are characters in a play reading off a script, and he assumes they will have to act perfectly along the lines of the script he wrote.

Those in the decay of angels end up dead, and they are not killed by the enemy both Sigma and Goggol choose suicide. They willingly throw their lives away to Dos, because they did not want their lives to belong to themselves in the first place. 

You can look at his failure with “Sigma”. He says his goal was to create Sigma a normal person, who would have the determination of a normal person desperate to live, but Dos literally never lets Sigma have a life on his own in the first place. He is mistreated his whole two years of life, he has no happy memories at all, he went from a slaver, and the person who saved him treated him as a possession to be used in the exact capcaity the slaver did. He owes everything to Dos because he has since birth been in the palm of Dos’s hands, and not a single thing about that is normal. The only thing that makes sigma normal is he does not have a special ability, Sigma could be a normal person but Dos did not let him live a normal life in any capacity or a life that belonged to himself. So of course he failed, because Sigma was trying to desperately protect a life that was pretty worthless to him in the first place. And he chooses suicide because he believes that life does not even belong to him. 

Dos literally just cannot comprehend normal people having normal lives completely separate from his own, he cannot see them as individuals. 

As long as he continues acting this way, Dos will not find the equal that he desires. There is no one who can become his equal, because one he sets the standard they have to be as intelligent as him and therefore if he can read and predict them he does not even bother engaging them or talking to them like normal people, and two those like Goggol who are close to being his equals end up always choosing to kill themselves in the end before they could get close. 

Fitzgerald wants to value his subordinates, but to do that he ends up putting a price tag on them and only thinking of them in terms fo money. Dostoevsky wants to value human life, but to do that he ends up completely controlling everything in their lives, until the angels that surround him can do nothing but decay and fall. 

[bee-kathony]

McTavish & Beauchamp | Ch. 26 “Waiting”

a/n: thank you @julesbeauchamp for this moodboard! I hope you enjoy this chapter! :)

Masterlist Here

When I met Jamie, he told me all about his family. He could’ve gone back generations, but I settled with just knowing about his parents. Ellen Fraser had died when he was young, along with his youngest brother Robert who died in childbirth. His older brother, William - Willie to the family, had died from smallpox when Jamie was six. His sister Jenny was still alive and one of my closest companions.

Jamie’s father, Brian Fraser had died when Jamie was nineteen. Or so he thought.

Brian stood in front of me, alive and well enough for a man who had been wrongfully imprisoned for eight years. It was Dougal who had accused him of conspiring with the Jacobites and now both MacKenzie brother’s were dead, while Brian lived. Call it justice, but I thought it only right that Brian now had a second chance at his life.

With Jamie’s hand on my back, he introduced me to his father with a proud smile on his face.

“This is my wife,” he said affectionately, “Claire Fraser.”

Sticking my hand out towards Brian, I saw tears in his eyes and looked over at Jamie who had the same confused look on his face as well. Before I could look back at Brian, however, I was in his arms, a tight grip around me.

“Oh Claire, ’tis so good to meet ye.”

Slowly, I wrapped my arms around him, closing my eyes and squeezing him as tight as I could. He had most likely gone without a kind human touch for many years and was looking to make up for it.

“It’s good to meet you too, Brian.”

He pulled back, his large hands resting on my shoulders and looked down at me with the kindest eyes. “I spent so many years wonderin’ what kind of woman would marry my Jamie, and from the things he’s told me… I’m glad tis ye.”

Tears of my own sprang to my eyes, and I wiped one away before it could spill down my cheek. “Your grandchildren will be very happy to meet you!”

“Och, grandchildren! The wee bairns, how could I forget,” Brian smiled and then slid his arm around my waist and we turned towards Jamie who stared at us with the most incredulous look.

“Shall we go inside? I’m sure you’re both hungry. I have to warn you both though, it’s a bit morose inside,” I sighed.

Brian made a Scottish sound beside me, looking at Jamie.

“It’s Colum,” Jamie nodded. “Claire’s just told me he’s died in his sleep last night.”

“That bastard,” Brian said and I shot my head up at him and he laughed. “Och, I dinna blame the man for dyin’, only wish that he would have held on another day. I would’ve liked a word wi’ him.” He shook his head as if remembering something long ago, “’Tis for the best I suppose.”

“Let’s go then,” Jamie smiled and turned back to the horses, gathering their few belongings and together we headed inside.

It was a somber mood inside the castle. Ever since people learned of Colum’s death, they had been pouring in from all over to give their condolences. There was no way that we could leave now, his burial was taking place in two days and it was only right for us to stay.

I’m sure Jamie was feeling a mix of emotions with the loss of his uncle and the reunion with his father. He couldn’t, however, hide the slight skip in his step as we walked down the halls, like a little boy who had just gotten his first kiss — he was happy.

First we went to the kitchen where Mrs. Fitz was preparing food for a feast that we would eat tomorrow. When she looked up and saw Jamie, she grinned, dropping her spoon and coming over to kiss his cheeks.

“Ah lad, ’tis good to see ye home! Mistress Claire was missin’ ye somethin’ fierce,” she smiled and I blushed. Jamie squeezed my hand and then stepped out of the way of his father.

“Glenna, is that ye?” Brian smiled and I saw immediately where Jamie got his charm from.

“Brian Dubh!” The round woman grinned, opening her arms to embrace him. “I havena seen ye since ye left wi’ Ellen, that was many moons ago, wasn’t it?”

“Too long, Glenna. Ye don’t look a day over thirty,” Brian winked. So Brian could wink, but not Jamie.

“I wish ye came at a better time,” She frowned, “I’m sure everyone will be so pleased that yer here. Mostly because we thought ye all to be dead!”

“I dinna ken if anyone will remember me, as ye said tis been so long and I wasna exactly a favorite guest of the MacKenzies,” Brian smirked. “I wish Ellen were here.”

Jamie’s head dropped at that and I moved closer to him, sliding my hand through his arm.

“I think tis best that we lay low until after the feast and burial,” Brian said. “And I dinna feel up to my full strength just yet. Being in chains will take a wee bit out of ye.”

“Once you’ve settled in, Brian, I’d like to check you for any illnesses or injuries you may have gotten over the years if that’s alright?” I said.

Brian’s eyes met mine, “Aye, lass. Jamie told me that ye were a fine healer. I did take a few beatings in Fort William.”

“Come on, Da. Let’s find yer room,” Jamie said and with a kiss to Mrs. Fitz’s cheek, Brian followed us as we made our way through the castle. It must have been more than thirty years since Brian had been back here at Leoch. He must have thought he never would have returned, and I’m sure he was just as eager to get back to Lallybroch as we were. It’d already been too long since we left the children and I missed them dearly.

His room was down the hall from ours and we left him to wash and clean and returned to our room. Once the door was shut, Jamie pressed his back to it, his eyes closed and sighed.

“Rough journey?”

“Nah,” his mouth quirked up on one side. “Just verra long. My head is full of a lot of things, Sassenach. I still canna believe my Da is alive.”

“And now with Colum dying,” I nodded and came to him, sliding my hands around his waist. “It’s a lot to process.”

“Tis,” he kissed me deeply. “I’m glad to be back wi’ ye. I missed ye.”

“I missed you too,” I smiled softly.

Jamie rested his chin on the top of my head, arms holding me close to him. “What did ye do while I was away?”

“All sorts of things. I helped Mrs. Fitz in the kitchen, a bit of gardening which helped to take my mind off of you,” I pinched his side.

He squirmed a bit, laughing deeply. “So ye werena bored then?”

“Oh I was,” My brows lifted, hands tapping his chest. “I was so bored that at one point, I had a conversation with Laoghaire. It was her that found me though.”

“Laoghaire MacKenzie?” He looked down at me.

“Do you know of any other Laoghaire’s?” I laughed.

“A few,” he smirked.

“Bloody Scots,” I rolled my eyes and then walked over to the bed, sitting down with a sigh. “It was pleasant actually, she apologized for trying to have me killed. Even asked about our children.”

“I dinna trust her,” Jamie sat down beside me, taking my hand into his lap.

“Oh I don’t either, but she seemed to have changed, at least she wanted me to think she’d changed.”

Feeling a wave of exhaustion overtake me from the pregnancy and the past few days events, I laid back on the bed and Jamie followed suit. My hands found their way into his curls, stroking them.

“Maybe if you see her, you can say something nice.”

He grunted, squinting his eyes at me. “I’ll exchange a hello and that’s that. She tried to have ye killed, Sassenach.” His hands slid around my waist, pulling me into him. “I vowed to protect ye and to protect our bairns,” he pressed his hand flat over my stomach.

“I know,” I smiled and kissed him. “And I love you for that, but she seemed to regret what she did and perhaps if you say something nice to her, she’ll truly leave us alone?”

“Perhaps,” he pressed his lips tight. “Enough of that,” he smiled wide then. “I’ve come back to my wife and I mean to make love wi’ her.”

“Oh you do?” I grinned as Jamie’s hands made their way up my skirt. I shivered as he touched my bare hip, kneading my flesh.

“Aye, I do.”

My hands found the ties of his breeks and I unlaced them quickly, now feeling an urgency to have him. It had been nearly two weeks and I was aching for my husband to hold me as he was now. With my skirts around my waist, Jamie’s large hands slid between my thighs, feeling how wet I already was.

“Christ, Sassenach, I missed ye.”

Moaning, I pressed my lips against his and then took his cock into my hand, pumping it as he made grunts of his own. His forehead pressed against mine and with his help, I lifted my leg over his, positioning myself around him.

“Jamie,” I stroked his face with my fingers and then he pushed up and was home. We both stilled at the contact, savoring it. We lay on our sides, nearly fully clothed. Jamie started to move his hips and I echoed his motions. Coming together with Jamie was always a risk, he held my heart in the palm of his hands as I held his.

Leaning forward, I pressed my lips against his, my tongue finding his. His arms held me close, fingers squeezing my back, pressing me to him even deeper. His cock was hard and throbbing inside of me and it didn’t take but a few more thrusts for me to come, fast and shaking around him.

Jamie whispered something in Gaelic and buried his face into my neck, spilling himself inside of me. We lay there for some time, hands never ceasing to touch each other. I would never tire of making love with him. It was something that was such a strong part of who we were, something that I needed to feel close to him.

“I dinna want to move,” he said softly against my hair.

“We don’t have to go anywhere,” I kissed his chin.

Hours later we woke up after falling asleep in each other’s arms and managed to get up to eat a meal with Jamie’s father.

++++++

The next two days passed in a blur. There was a lot to be done to prepare for Colum’s burial which was happening in just a few hours. Soon we would all travel to the Kirk nearby and Colum MacKenzie would be laid to rest.

Then hopefully we would be able to leave in just a few days.

I was headed to the kitchen to help Mrs. Fitz when I saw them.

Laoghaire and Jamie.

They were standing in the hallway and I couldn’t help but stop and watch. He had taken my advice after all and I heard her say something like, “Thank ye, Jamie.”

And then she kissed him.

Not on the cheek, not near his mouth, but on his mouth. What infuriated me wasn’t the fact that she had been bold enough to kiss him, but that Jamie was just standing there and wasn’t trying to push her away.

I wasn’t about to stand there and keep watching so I left, running down the hallway towards Mrs. Fitz and away from whatever I had just seen. I knew Jamie would never cheat on me, I knew he felt nothing for Laoghaire, but he hadn’t pushed her away. Thoughts of doubt found their way into my head and tears spilled over my cheeks. Turning to hide my face, I brushed them away before entering the kitchen.

Mrs. Fitz set me to work and I was thankful for the distraction. Only a little while later, was that distraction ruined when Jamie walked in. He met my eye and smiled, coming over to stand by me and tried to place a kiss on my cheek. I dodged it and walked away to the other side of the counter.

“Sassenach, what’s wrong?”

“I don’t want to talk to you right now,” I muttered.

“Why no? What’s happened? Ye were fine when I kissed ye this morning…”

I set down the dough I was kneading and looked at Mrs. Fitz, “Do you mind if I leave? I need to get changed for the burial.”

“Of course, lass. We have all the help we need, go on wi’ yer man,” she smiled and I tried my best at a smile, but my heart wasn’t in it.

I walked past Jamie who tried to grab my arm, but I yanked it out of his grasp.

“Sassenach!”

Nearly running down the hall, I heard him follow close behind me. I only stopped when I reached our room and stood facing the window. He didn’t touch me, but I knew he was there.

“Claire…”

“I saw you and Laoghaire kissing.” I said through tears. “Jamie, I know you love me, I’m not a fool. We have children for God’s sake, but you didn’t even pull away.”

“Then ye at least saw that twas her that kissed me!”

“Yes, I saw that much.”

“Sassenach,” he touched my shoulder now and I held still. “Ye didna see me pull away because I was shocked at first. The wee lassie caught me off guard. I did push her off… and I told her to never speak to you or I again.”

“I do believe you,” I said through gritted teeth. “But I can’t look at you right now.”

“Claire, please,” he tried to turn me around but I wouldn’t move. “This is a misunderstandin’, ye canna think I would ever do anythin’ like that to hurt ye.”

“Just go be with your father, Jamie. I need to be alone.”

“I love ye, mo ghraidh. No kiss from a lassie will change that. Everythin’ we’ve been through…”

He said nothing else, but I heard him leave the room and then I sighed, letting out the breath I’d been holding.

It was foolish of me to be mad at him. He was my husband. The father of my three children, one of whom was growing inside of me right now. But it hurt to see him kissing Laoghaire. What I needed was time to erase that image from my mind, I only hoped it wouldn’t take too long.

[babycoulson]

Naiveté

Note at the end of the chapter this time.

“This could have been a traumatic experience for Dr. Hall. He may not be the same when you find him,” Phil warned the two of you over the comms. “(Y/N) will talk him down. We don't want your personality to set him on edge, Ward.”

“Great time for humor, sir,” he replied blandly. “My people skills are the least of our problems if Skye can't get us in.”

With one last tug, your raft was safely on the beach, tucked behind a rock.

“You still don’t have any faith in her,” you called Ward out. “How do you expect to be able to bond with her in a way that helps you to train her if you refuse to believe that she can do anything?”

“She’s gotta earn my trust, too,” he replied stiffly.

“That’s not what being a teacher is about. You know that, right?” you asked seriously. “In a teaching situation, you have to trust your student for them to trust you. If they break your trust, then that’s that, but you can’t start out without a little blind trust.”

“You suggest that I trust someone who could betray us at any moment?” He glared at you as you walked up the path to Quinn’s property.

You returned a glare with equal force. “No, I suggest that you trust your student.”

He said nothing, just sighed and shook his head as if he were dealing with an unreasonable toddler.

You kept your anger at his ineptitude down and instead promised yourself that you’d kick his butt sparring later. “When I was in middle school, I had a lot of trouble with math,” you stated.

“You’re not special.”

“Oh, you’re certainly not wrong. I hated math, just like every kid across the world is conditioned to. Something kind of miraculous happened in high school, though. I suddenly got really good at math, and I was pretty stoked honestly. The numbers and letters and Greek alphabet started making sense out of nowhere.”

“Lucky you.”

“Do you know why I got so good at math?”

“If it’s not crucial to our success here, I don’t think it really matters, does it?”

“It may not be crucial to the success of this mission, but it will be in any future missions where you have to put your trust in Skye.”

“You talk like there will be future missions.”

“Yes, because I trust her to do her part!” you exclaimed angrily. “Math started making sense because I wanted it to make sense. I couldn’t learn it until I wanted to, get it? You won’t be able to trust her until you want to.”

“I do want to trust her!”

“No, you don’t.”

“Oh, well, excuse me, Miss Goody-Two-Shoes, but trust doesn’t come so easily to all of us.”

“Just like math.”

He didn’t have a response, but that may have partially been because you rounded a corner on the trail to see a bright yellow warning sign. In an English translation below the warning in Maltese, the sign read, “Do not cross / Lethal radiation.”

Eyeing the sign and the seemingly clear trail ahead of you, you picked up a handful of dirt and tossed it forward. With a buzzing noise straight out of a video game, the laser grid glowed bright yellow and ate the destroyed the dirt. You and Ward exchanged a concerned glance.

“Next patrol any minute now,” he said.

“Skye's offline,” May reported urgently. “Repeat, we've lost audio and vitals.”

“No,” you murmured.

Ward gave you an exasperated look with a hint of “I told you so” and said, “Abort is not an option, but if she's compromising--”

“She's still our only way in to get to Dr. Hall,” your father interrupted him over the comms.

“And we're their only way out,” Ward accepted.

The sounds of soldiers’ feet crunching on the sandy trail preceded the “Beach is all clear. Let's move up the ridge.”

You retreated quickly behind a large bush, pulling Ward with you.

“Do you understand the plan or do I have to explain it to you?” you whispered.

“What do you think?” he spat quietly.

“I don’t know! I guess I just feel the need to treat you like you treat me.”

“I don’t treat you like a little kid.”

“I never said you did.”

“But you said you’re treating me the way I treat--” he all but gasped as he realized his error-- “oh my g--”

“You could have pled the fifth, man, but you decided to self-incriminate instead.”

“Listen here, you little--”

“Change of plans. You stay in the bush, and I’ll take care of the problem, understood?”

“No, we are a team and we make decisions--”

You stepped out from your hiding place as the guards became even with your position off the trail. The first guard in line raised his gun quickly as he heard the leaves of the bushes rustling as you made your appearance. You forced his arms down and punched him across his face, knocking him to the ground. The second guard tried to hit you, but you turned around just in time to catch his arm and twist it in just the wrong way and use his immobility to strike him as well. You caught the third guard with a sharp elbow to the face and a strong push down the hill, which sent him tumbling.

The first guard stood up and attempted to hit you, but you grabbed his arm and flipped him over your shoulder. He didn’t get up after that.

“Dang, a little rusty, I guess,” you sniffed, picking up the first guard’s gun and disarming it in a second. “Hey, speaking of rusty, how long does it take you to disarm a gun, Dad?” you asked, touching the ear your comm was in.

“I will have to find out,” he responded.

Ward looked at the three men and said, his teeth gritted, “I have to admit that wasn’t bad.”

“Not bad?” you chuckled. “Not exactly the words I’d pick. It wasn’t good, either. I haven’t really fought in a while and it shows.”

He kept looking at the fallen men and scratched the back of his neck. “Rusty,” he muttered, shaking his head.

“Hey, clock's ticking, guys,” you reminded the team back at the Bus. “Where's Skye?”

“We still don’t know,” Fitz worried. “She may have abandoned ship.”

“It wouldn’t surprise me,” Simmons agreed sullenly. “Quinn’s got a lot to offer.”

“Hey, so do we,” you argued. “I know you all think that she’s using us, but I can tell that she’s sincere about wanting to be with us.”

“You’re naive is what you are,” Ward growled.

“Maybe I am!” you yelled, frustrated with the baseless dislike that he’d had for you since you’d met. “I’m also significantly better at making friends than you are.”

“We’re in!” May exclaimed.

“She’s done it!” Jemma followed excitedly.

You crossed your arms and gave Ward a smug look. “Freaking told you,” you gloated.

“Fitz, you’re up,” May told the scientist.

“Oh, mother of all things,” he mumbled to himself. “Move, move, move!”

“We have a man down,” a voice came loudly from one of the soldiers' walkie talkies. “Hostiles on the east ridge!”

Your eyes widened and it was Ward’s turn to try to pull you into the bushes as gunfire came from more soldiers downhill. The bullets disintegrated when they hit the laser grid behind you.

“We need a reset here, Fitz!” you called.

“Fitz!” your father pushed.

“Fitz!” you repeated, pulling your gun from its holster as you looked for a target to shoot.

“Saying his name repeatedly does not increase productivity!” Simmons stressed.

“Okay, go!” Fitz said.

The grid dropped and you dashed across the border, but Ward stood still, firing back at the enemy.

“Or maybe it does,” she resigned, impressed with her friend’s speed.

“System rebooting in two, one, now!”

Ward dove over the border just as Fitz said “now.”

“Cutting it close for no reason,” you teased him, helping him to his feet. “Love that.”

He paid you no mind, instead starting to jog down the path to Quinn’s estate. He seemed pretty set on not speaking to you, so you obliged him.

When the mansion came into view, you told Ward, “I'll look for Dr. Hall down in the lab.”

“I'll get Skye,” Ward said.

You split up at the swimming pool. Remembering the basics on where you had to go, you headed towards the mansion.

“Remind me where to go next?” you requested of your father.

“You’re heading in the right direction,” he assured you. “There’ll be a door coming up in about twenty feet.”

“It’s so nice having an audial Marauder’s Map,” you joked.

“I know just as well as you do that you’d get lost without me.”

“I will certainly not deny that,” you chuckled. “Found the door, now what?”

“Head down the stairs on the left until you get to a door that looks like it belongs in front of a lab.”

“Shouldn’t be too hard to spot.” You hurried down the stairs until a door that looked like it very much belonged in front of a lab came into your view. “Found it,” you said.

You opened the door and entered quickly upon seeing Dr. Hall.

“Dr. Hall,” you called to him, quickly approaching him before introducing yourself, “Agent Coulson. We have an exit strategy.”

“SHIELD?” he asked.

“Yes, sir,” you confirmed, walking back towards the door. “Let's get you out of here.”

“I'm sorry, Miss Coulson. I'm right where I'm supposed to be,” he said.

You froze, looking at him with your eyebrows raised. “I'll be honest, our strategy did not take into consideration you saying that.”

“I’m sure it didn’t,” he said, shaking his head and smiling.

You moved to stand in between Dr. Hall’s control table and what you assumed to be the gravitonium. It was huge, at least twelve feet across. The surface was silvery and undulating like it was in turbulent zero-gravity.

“Look, I don't know what Quinn is promising you, but--”

“An opportunity,” Hall interrupted you earnestly.

You looked at the gravitonium as it began to solidify under the electric currents of the ring spinning around it. “We can't let Quinn have control of this, sir, it's too dangerous.”

“We can't let anyone have control of this,” he agreed passionately. “That's why I'm here.” To bury it at the bottom of the ocean, with him.” He pressed more buttons on the control table and the spinning rings gathered more and more speed.

“(Y/N),” May grabbed your attention, “The leak came from--”

“Dr. Hall. Yeah, I'm kinda getting that,” you replied, staring at the gravitonium.

“All the petitions, embargoes in the world couldn't stop Ian,” Hall explained. “He grows more powerful every day. And then I get word he's found this.”

Another wave of electricity from the rings zapped the gravitonium and it visibly solidified, releasing a shockwave that nearly knocked you off your feet.

“I'm sorry, Miss Coulson. I had to make a choice.” He made one more adjustment on the control board and the insides of every cupboard in the lab spilled out.

You responded nervously, “Something tells me that wasn't the "off" button!”

One last shockwave jerked you violently to the left side of the room where you slammed into a metal filing cabinet.

So bad news.

My family is canceling Netflix at the end of April because of rising prices. Unfortunately, this means that I won't have access to Agents of SHIELD anymore. I'm going to try to get one more chapter out before the end of the month, but I'm starting a new semester of college, so I don't know if that'll be possible.

So yes. I'll be going on hiatus for an indeterminate amount of time.

Here's a face reveal to cheer you up?

[betweensceneswriter]

Second Wife-Chapter 22 Unbearable

Second Wife Table of Contents

Second Wife on AO3

Previously -  Chapter 21 : The White Lady Jamie and Laoghaire separately remember the trial at Craignsmuir

He sighed and closed his eyes. “She was afraid of me,” he said softly, a minute later. “I tried to be gentle wi’ her—God, I tried again and again, everything I knew to please a woman. But it was no use.” His head turned restlessly, making a hollow in the feather pillow. “Maybe it was Hugh, or maybe Simon. I kent them both, and they were good men, but there’s no telling what goes on in a marriage bed. Maybe it was bearing the children; not all women can stand it. But something hurt her, sometime, and I couldna heal it for all my trying. She shrank away when I touched her, and I could see the sickness and the fear in her eyes.” There were lines of sorrow around his own closed eyes, and I reached impulsively for his hand. He squeezed it gently and opened his eyes. “That’s why I left, finally,” he said softly. “I couldna bear it anymore” (Voyager 460.)

     Jamie knew, even before he saw it fall. 

     He had taken his shotgun out early, thinking to give Laoghaire a gift of a pheasant, several grouse, or a few rabbits.  The meat of farm animals was fine, but there was something special about the flesh of wild creatures.  They tasted of the Highlands, the past, freedom.  And knowing that Laoghaire especially gained joy from working in the kitchen, it was an effort, on his part, to be satisfied with what was.

     He’d taken along their mutt Cùram.  The hairy beast wasn’t much to look at, but he was good at flushing fowl from dense undergrowth.  In flight, birds were more predictable, Jamie considered.  You could see the direction they were going and anticipate their path.  A bird worth eating wasn’t any good at quickly changing direction.  He smiled, imagining a fat duck trying to rapidly change courses mid-air.

     Cùram had leapt ahead excitedly at one point, and seeing the glimmer of water behind bulrushes, Jamie was certain the dog was going to flush out some ducks or geese.  He readied the rifle, making sure it was cocked, his hand on the trigger.  He pulled it to his shoulder, ready to sight.

     Some ducks or geese?  That was an understatement.  Once Jamie whistled and Cùram spooked the birds the sky was filled with them, a fat-bodied cloud of well-fed fowl, plump white underbellies visible, flanked by white, gray, or brown flapping wings. 

     He sighted, followed, shot, then shot again.  Two bodies, or was it three? froze in mid-air, hesitated, crumpled, and fell to the ground.

     And Jamie’s heart sank. No.

     He whistled for Cùram to heel. He didn’t want the wee beastie worrying their dinner.

     Jamie tromped through the sedge, his boots making sucking sounds as he pulled them out of the spots of soggy marsh.  Please, no, he thought as he approached the place he’d seen them fall.

     He reached two white geese first.  Blood stained their fine white feathers, and they were intertwined, having been shot by the same bullet, the first pressed toward the second by the force of the shot, and then their bodies brought close by their swirling dance to the ground.

     Jamie left them, and took several steps more.

     At first, she simply looked like she was sleeping.  Her orange beak was hidden, tucked under her wing, the frilled white tips of her feathers creating the illusion of dark brown and white stripes.  Claire had told him about zebras.  He wondered whether their stripes looked like this.  Peeking out from under her body were the pink tips of her webbed feet. 

     Graylag geese did not have long, slender necks.  They were heavy and thick, compact-bodied, fat and meaty.  Jamie sat on a rock a distance from the still form.  He sighed, reloaded his gun, and waited. 

     When he heard the sound, his chest ached.  A plaintive, honking cry announced that he was coming, returning for his mate, missing her presence in the skies—she was not with him where she was supposed to be.  The gander circled repeatedly before he found her, crumpled in the tall grass.  Jamie had withdrawn a distance away by then, camouflaged by his drab colored jacket and breeks.

     Her mate landed gently, walking up to her, his head lowered.  He made small sounds, not honks exactly, as he circled her, as he nudged her with his beak.  When she didn’t answer, his honks grew louder.  Finally, with no response, he settled his body near her, touching her, leaning over her, comforting her with crooning, crying sounds.

     Jamie blinked repeatedly until he could see clearly through the sight.  When he pulled the trigger, though, he closed his eyes.

      “Two geese?” Laoghaire asked happily as Jamie entered the kitchen, Cùram dancing around his feet.

      “Yes,” he answered, handing two fat white bodies to her with a smile, empty-eyed.

     Laoghaire bustled about, readying the geese to roast for several hours so they would be done for dinner.  Jamie had been right; the kitchen was one place she seemed happy.  Perhaps it brought back good memories of Castle Leoch’s mother hen, her grandmother, Mrs. Fitz.  Perhaps it was the one place she felt confident of her skill.  Jamie smiled, shaking his head in confusion as he watched her.  She was even humming a little tune, not like the bitter creature who could sulk or give him the silent treatment for days on end.

     Now that the sun was higher in the sky, Jamie headed out for the real work of his day, making sure that animals were where they belonged, and that crops were well-watered.  He checked on the bees, stopped by the stable, then gave directions to the workers in the field.  He rested on a rise, gazing out over the land, fields and forests, lakes and marshes, rolling hills topped with trees.  It was lovely at Balriggan, just as it had always been lovely at Lallybroch.

     He was trying to be a man, like his sister had challenged him.  To do what was right, to take care of others.  To stop holding onto the past as if it was something he could bring back.  “This is what there is,” Jenny had said, taking in the Highlands with an expansive gesture of her arm.

     And so, gazing around the dinner table that evening, Jamie worked to enjoy what there was.  Tender roast goose with a delectable mushroom wine sauce.  Potatoes and vegetables grown in their garden.  A flaxen haired young girl, soon to become a woman; a spit-fire, ginger-haired giggly thing; and a woman with a familiar face.  Maybe that was enough.  Maybe I could be satisfied, Jamie thought, satisfied with what there is.

     Something was different when Jamie entered their bedchamber.  Laoghaire was in a white lace-trimmed nightgown.  Her cheeks were blushing pink.  She looked—Jamie finally decided the closest approximation was excited.  When was the last time Laoghaire had looked excited to go to bed?  It stirred him slightly just to consider it.  It had been several weeks at least since the Lallybroch visit.  Laoghaire had been quite chilly since they had last been together, and just the thought of the release, of that death-like slumber after satiation, was enough to wake up the necessary equipment.  He hoped he wasn’t misreading her signals.  Attempting to fall asleep with aching balls would accomplish the exact opposite, and he’d worked hard enough that he didn’t want a sleepless night.

     She approached him shyly, with a small corked jar in her hand.  “I wish to try something tonight,” she said.  She was blushing profusely.  “Well, three things.”

      “Yes?” Jamie said, turning away to give her the privacy to speak, and taking off his boots, his belt and breeks.

      “I dinna care for being touched or petted like a cat, but I ken you like it,” she said.  “So I thought, once it was dark, I could touch you….Just your back and your hair!” she quickly clarified at the widening of Jamie’s eyes.

     Jamie was surprised by his body’s response to the promise of touch.  There was more of a surge of blood to his groin when he thought of touch than release.

      “And then,” she handed him the bottle.  “When it’s time, will you put this on yourself?  I think it will help me.  It’s oil.”

     Jamie nodded, and set the jar on the table on his side of the bed with a quick glance at her.  Her face was scarlet, her pupils wide. The thought of sharing her next request was obviously troubling her the most. 

      “Shall I blow out the candles so you can ask more easily?” Jamie asked.  Laoghaire was breathing rapidly, and nodded. 

     Jamie quickly traveled the room, snuffing candles until the light was all gone.

      “I’m sitting here on your side of the bed,” she said.  “Take off your shirt and come sit in front of me.”

     Jamie was grateful that the lights were off before he reached her, and that she wasn’t rubbing his front. He felt her knee, then turned and sat between her legs, feeling the warmth of her body and arms right behind him. And then she began to stroke him.  It was blissful and grounding, being touched.  She ran her fingers through his hair, combing out the curls, spreading it out so the tips of his hair tickled his shoulders.  Then she began stroking his back.  Though there were areas that were so badly damaged he could not feel touch there, his back was still sensitive, and the touch sent shivers down his spine and up to his scalp. 

     He groaned slightly, and Laoghaire froze.  “No, no, it’s good,” he said.  “Very nice.  Thank you, lass.”

     His cock wasn’t the only thing swelling, feeling stimulated, aroused, and awake.  It felt like his very heart was expanding.  Jamie realized that this—being touched—was what he had missed more than anything, for years. 

     With a small smile Jamie thought, Blessings on Jenny if she talked to Laoghaire about the marriage bed. 

     It was Janet who occasionally called him “Kitty” when they were growing up, because of the way he would cuddle up to Ellen or Brian, snuggling into their sides, begging to be petted as they read to him.  Jenny would say that if she rubbed Jamie’s arm while he slept, he would smile, sigh, and continue to slumber.  That was why she and Ian had named Kitty Katherine—because when the wee lass was growing inside Jenny, she wouldn’t flee from being touched.  If you pressed where her little foot was, she would stretch and press back.  If her back was facing Jenny’s navel, she would lie still as long as Jenny was rubbing her belly.  If Jenny stopped, Kitty would pepper her insides with kicks until Jenny started stroking her stomach again.  And when she was born, Kitty didn’t want to be put down for the first six months of her life.  Jenny finally had to rig a fabric sling around her shoulder and torso to put Kitty in, just so she could get anything done.

     Finally the stroking stopped.  Jamie sighed with pleasure.  “Thanks, lass,” he said.  “Would you like anything?” he asked.  In the darkness, at least, she didn’t appear to be afraid to talk.  “And you never told me number three.”

      “Kiss me, gently,” Laoghaire said.  He turned to her then, not daring to put his hands on her, except for one hand on her cheek to guide him to her lips.

     She pressed him lightly away after a short time.  “The third thing may help it to hurt me less as well,” she said.  “I wish to have you enter from behind me.”

      “Aye?” said Jamie.  “I can do that.”  Again he was grateful the lights were off, to hide the look of surprise on his face.

     He stood up, reached od his way over to the dresser and located the jar.  He could hear Laoghaire getting off the bed, lifting up her nightgown.

      “I’m right here,” she said quietly.  She reached out for him, and they touched hands briefly.

     Jamie’s heart was pounding in anticipation.  He uncorked the bottle, poured some oil in his palm, spread it on himself and reached for her, then eased himself in. Christ, that was good.  He missed this touching, too.  No other sensation felt so all-enveloping, engaging his whole body and mind, making him feel whole and present and alive and sane.  If they could find a way to make this work, maybe this would be enough.

     She gasped a little, but it wasn’t a groan or whimper of pain.

      “Can I hold your hips?” Jamie asked.

      “Yes,” she said willingly. Not wincing, not gritting her teeth, not crying out.

     He had placed his hands on her warm, round hips and started moving in her when the smell hit him.  Lavender.

☆☆☆☆☆

     She had blocked out the memory of her wedding night with Hugh.  After the devastation of losing Jamie, after the humiliation of finding out John Robert was married, she had been grateful for Hugh.  Reliable, faithful Hugh.  He’d begun taking care of himself better in the past months, keeping his hair neatly in a plait.  Working regularly in the out of doors had improved his color and slimmed his body.  If she didn’t focus on his pock marks, she could almost consider him handsome.

     When she finally came to him and told him that she had reconsidered his proposal, Hugh’s response wasn’t what Laoghaire expected; he was less eager than she thought he’d be.  But still, he went ahead with it.  Asked her da for her hand in marriage.  Arranged with Father Bain to have the banns read three weeks in a row. 

     It was during those three weeks that Laoghaire, going to the privy one day, determined that despite all the evidence to the contrary she wasn’t going to have a bairn.  She didn’t have to marry.  But Jamie was gone, and she didn’t want to be alone.

     Their wedding was simple, in the kirk, with family and friends there.  Mrs. Fitz had made the moistest cake Laoghaire thought she’d ever eaten, and they had all danced into the evening.

     Finally, Hugh took her by the hand and led her home.

     When they entered the house, Hugh turned and locked the door.  She turned her face up to him to be kissed. John Robert had always been so gentle, and she had truly enjoyed herself when he took her to bed.  She was grateful to have Hugh to marry, and had begun to anticipate intimacy with her sweet husband.

     Instead, Hugh grabbed her face roughly and pressed his lips against hers.  Then he pushed her face away and walked across the room, his back to her.

      “Hugh,” she said.  “What’s wrong?”

      “You don’t think I know?” he asked bitterly.

      “Know what, Hugh?” she asked.

      “That ye aren’t a maid?” he said scornfully, turning back to her.  At the shock on her face, he said, “Aye.  They saw ye in the alcove wi’ Jamie Fraser.  They saw ye coming away from the river where he was.  And they said ye were naked under yer cloak.”

     It was no use arguing the finer points of the story, Laoghaire realized.  Her heart was pounding so hard she could hear it in her ears.

      “And I heard ye’d been seen meeting with John Robert MacLeod at the tavern, and at least once at the castle.  John Robert MacLeod?  He’s married, d’ye ken?”  Hugh’s face was full of disgust.  “Ye already gave yer maidenheid to one of them, didn’t ye?”

      “Hugh,” she said, reaching her hands out to him plaintively.  “You’re the good one.  Yer a hard worker, and ye love me, and I’m happy to be yer wife.  Neither of them are anything to me anymore!”

     Hugh started crying.  “How could ye, Laoghaire?  How could ye give it away, but not to me that’s loved ye forever?”  He turned his tear-streaked face to her, and suddenly the sadness took on toxicity.  He strode over to her, grabbed her arm, and pulled Laoghaire over to the table in the kitchen.  Pushing her torso onto the table, he scrabbled at her skirts, pulling them up and keeping her trapped where she was with his hips, then tearing at the button-front of his breeks.

      “Well, Laoghaire,” Hugh said, hard and merciless.  “If ye act like a whore, I can give it to ye like a whore.”

     He had raped her. 

     And until he was recruited to fight at Culloden, Hugh never once made love to Laoghaire.  He was kind in public, a hard worker, kept food on the table, kept Laoghaire clothed and fed.  But any time he got the urge to be with her, his terrible jealousy and rage would flare up, and he would leave Laoghaire defiled, bruised, and devastated.

☆☆☆☆☆

     After he smelled lavender, the first thing Jamie noticed was the pain in his hand.  It felt like it was on fire, like a burning torch on the end of his arm.

     Suddenly the remembered caresses still warm on Jamie’s back weren’t sweet caresses from his wife.  Instead, those were Jack Randall’s hands tracing his scars.  He could almost feel ghost hands, ghost lips on him now.  “Oh, Jamie, lad, you are so beautiful.  You are my masterpiece.”

     And what was he holding?  Doing?  What was in front of him?  Someone’s back, and ass, and slick oil, and the smell of lavender.  And thrusting, thrusting.

     It’s not real, it’s not real, Jamie told himself.  It’s Laoghaire.  We’re married.

     He was horrified, and aroused, ashamed, and angry.  For the next minute he lost himself, and then he heard something.  A woman’s voice crying out.  Claire? Was it Claire?!!

     They were beating her.  They had stripped the clothes off her back, and they were whipping his wife.  His wife.  Claire!! 

     And who was that, standing in the crowd?  With a self-satisfied smirk on her face?  As the madmen whipped marks on his precious Claire’s back?

     Laoghaire.  She had left the ill wish under their bed.  She had come to him, meaning to seduce him.  And with him gone, she would stand by and watch his wife be beaten.  Cruelly, with a smile on her face.

     He had rushed to Claire, rescued her, spirited her away, and taken her to Lallybroch.

     But the screaming was still going on.  Claire? 

     No. It was Laoghaire.  Laoghaire was crying out, screaming, “No, Hugh! Stop!  Stop!”

     Jamie pulled himself from her body, and put his hands to his face—but the cloying, pungent smell was even stronger than before.  He flung open the bedroom door and let the faint light and fresh air of the hall in.

     He fell to his knees and vomited, repeatedly.  When he collapsed to the floor, he could see back into the bedroom.  Laoghaire was huddled against the bed, her arms clasped about her knees, shaking and sobbing.

     It was over, and they both knew it.

     The next day, Jamie packed his things. 

     As Jamie rode away from Balriggan, all his worldly goods in the pack behind him, his face was set resolutely. He didn’t have it in him to do this again. No loneliness, no desire, no hunger for human companionship, (and no ache in his balls, he told himself grimly), was worth this terrible pain in his heart. 

     Perhaps it was wrong, but he’d minimized his departure for the girls.  He was going to Edinburgh to find a business for Fergus to run, he’d told them.  He would be sending money and letters.  He would see them at Lallybroch for Hogmanay, though of course, he hoped to be home sooner.  He’d hugged them, holding each of them close for a moment, his cheek resting on their hair as he memorized their scents.

     Marsali would be fine, Jamie thought.  He worried for Joanie.  His little kindred redhead, who was always being mistaken as his blood daughter in town, she with her quirky ways and kind heart; he would truly miss her.

     After embracing the girls, he had turned to Laoghaire.  For the girls’ sake, for Laoghaire’s sake, and maybe for his own sake, he brought her towards him in an embrace.  He gave her a sisterly kiss on the forehead, like he always kissed Jenny.  Fini, he thought.  The end.  Painful as it had been, when he looked back on his life, he didn’t imagine his time with Laoghaire would occupy many of his thoughts.  Grimly he realized that he still had an eternity of time stretching out in front of him.  Time unending, without Claire.

     Now he sighed wearily, his horse plodding along the path that wended its way through the marshes.  In the distance, Jamie could see the sun glimmering on a pond surrounded by bullrushes.  What he could not see was the mound of freshly dug dirt beneath the willow tree, close to the edge of the water.

     He had lain them in a grave together, arranging them close, their bodies touching, the male’s wing reaching over, sheltering the female, their necks intertwined, orange bills close enough to whisper to each other.  He had been near blind as he filled in the dirt over them, imagining that their spirits would be thankful, imagining their final calls to each other as they flew in tandem through the heavens. 

     I’m here.  I willna leave ye.  It wouldna be living wi’ out ye.

Fini

It’s been months, but I’ve begun again, hoping for a lighter tone now that Jamie isn’t constantly reminded of the contrast between Laoghaire and Claire...

The Madame (Second Wife, Book Two!)

[theartofbeinganerd]

can’t have you (but oh, how I want to)

Look, all I can really say about this is here’s Chapter Two, where Fitzsimmons continue to be awkward dorky beans, because that’s literally this whole chapter (and probably, this whole fic lmao).

(Ao3)

-

She’d tried her best not to, she truly had, but after finding herself quite abruptly left alone in a hallway, after having been essentially ditched, Jemma had ended up worrying herself sick trying to figure out just what she’d done to upset Fitz so much that he’d done such a thing. It had been taken over her mind so fully, in fact, that she hadn’t even been able to pay much attention in microbiology, which had followed chemistry that day and was a class that she’d been looking forward to since she’d signed up for it months ago.

That night, she had gone back to her dorm room and spent an embarrassing amount of time going back over the entire chemistry class and her brief conversation (if it could even be called that) with Fitz, but she hadn’t been able to find a single thing that she’d done wrong.

Sure, he’d caught her staring at him across the lecture hall, but that couldn’t truly be that bad, could it?

So, in the end, Jemma had come to the only reasonable conclusion: that he must have been late to his next class or to a meeting or something, so late that he couldn’t even stop to offer her an explanation or apology. His hasty retreat had to have just been a fluke thing, something that she’d misinterpreted and shouldn’t be taking so personally.

The realization had served to make her feel immensely better about the whole thing, and she was now excited for tomorrow rather than apprehensive, ready and prepared her next chemistry class, where she would be seeing Fitz again for the first time since the hallway incident.

Of course, Jemma could have just let the whole thing go and moved on, focusing solely on her classes and eventually securing her spot at the top of the class, but she was determined now to at least get Fitz to have a real conversation with her. Truthfully, he had only become more interesting to her since the first time that she’d heard him speak (and her fascination had absolutely nothing to do with the fact that his face was nicely symmetrical and the way that he blushed made her heart beat unevenly).

However, even though she had planned on having another day to prepare herself before she was to see Fitz again, her planning process was quite abruptly and rather rudely interrupted when her gaze fell upon none other than Fitz in her History of SHIELD class. She’d been doing a cursory glance around the lecture hall before the period officially began, just to see if she’d recognized any of the cadets from her handful of other classes, but she’d stopped halfway through at the sight of him, hunched over a desk at the very back of the room with eyes pointedly turned down.

For a moment, Jemma wasn’t sure what to do; she hadn’t planned to see him again so soon, and was caught very much off-guard at his sudden reappearance. Which was all quite absurd, really, because of course they were bound to have more than one class in common – why hadn’t the thought even occurred to her?

But, after taking another handful of moments to regain her composure and considering pretending that she hadn’t seen him and still waiting until tomorrow to talk to him, Jemma decided that she could easily alter her plan just slightly; she didn’t necessarily have to adhere to it quite so strictly. After all, it was just a day earlier than she’d been expecting, and plus, this might even work better – the time set aside for lunch followed this period, and that presented her with the opportunity to ask him to sit with her, and then they could talk even for longer than a hallway conversation would allow for.

Smiling in satisfaction, she opened her notebook to a fresh sheet of paper just as a grouchy-looking older man stepped in front of the blackboard. She was also, coincidentally, very much prepared to start standing out, after having spent a fair amount of time studying everything that she could on the history of the organization that she was someday soon set to join.

--

Fitz was quite aware of the fact that he was staring at the back of the head belonging to the girl that he hadn’t been able to stop himself from thinking about since chemistry class the other day, but he also couldn’t seem to get himself to look away, either. He wasn’t sure what was more embarrassing, the fact that he had been thinking about her with alarming frequency in the past couple of days, or that he was staring so blatantly at her and was almost likely to be caught if she turned around again.

Ever since that chemistry class, the girl seemed to have disappeared off the face of the earth – he hadn’t caught even the smallest of glances of her (not to say that he was deliberately looking for her). Briefly, he’d even given into the absurd thought that he’d simply dreamed her and the whole awkward situation up in his first day jitters.

But, Fitz had never in his life been that lucky, and now, there she was, right there in front of him.

So, he was doing his best to seem small and unobtrusive, bound and determined not to start shouting out every error their professor may or may not make – he didn’t need to make a fool out of himself twice in a matter of just a few days, he should at least wait until next week before he opened his big mouth again.

Fortunately (or not), that didn’t seem to be a problem, though, given that the man that had introduced himself as Professor Vaughn seemed content to spend the whole period just droning on and on. In fact, it wasn’t long before Fitz felt himself begin to fade out and even start to drowse slightly, though he did feel a lick of shame about the whole thing.

But, it wasn’t too far into class when he was brought back to full, albeit startled awareness. The sound of the crisp English accent that he could still hear ringing in his ears, calling his name down the noisy hallway, cut straight through the sleepy fog that had settled over his brain, causing him to nearly topple straight out of his chair.

Blinking a bit as he steadied himself, Fitz’s gaze automatically zeroed in on where he’d glimpsed her sitting earlier, and he found that sure enough, her hand was raised above her head. Near as he could tell, she was currently reciting information on the founding of SHIELD, as though she was reading a passage straight from a textbook or something.

They’d yet to receive books of any sort for this class, however, and with a quick glance, Fitz could see that Professor Vaughn was looking just as shell-shocked by the sheer volume of information coming from the girl. When she finally finished her long-winded statement of facts, the professor was quiet for a beat, then he cleared his throat and said haltingly, “Very good, yes, thank you, Cadet…”

“Simmons,” she filled in helpfully, and with that, Fitz now had a name to put to the girl that he’d managed to convince himself couldn’t possibly be as smart as he was imagining that she was.

Much to his horror, she was, in fact, even smarter.

--

Feeling quite pleased with having found the perfect opportunity to display her vast knowledge on the beginnings of SHIELD and its founders (she was especially fond of Peggy Carter), Jemma had spent the rest of class jotting down the few things Professor Vaughn mentioned that she hadn’t already memorized, and fighting the urge to glance back over her shoulder and see if Fitz looked impressed at all.

Now, the bell signaling the end of the period had finally rung, and Jemma had hurried out of the room in order to once more wait outside in the hallway to catch up with Fitz. She was positive that things would be different this time around, especially after she’d been given the chance to show off her own intelligence a bit, to show him that she was worth getting to know.

Just as she was mentally going over possible topics for them to discuss over lunch (what his area of expertise was, where he’d gotten his PhD – or PhDs, if he was like her, what he thought of the Academy so far), she noticed Fitz just exiting the classroom. Just like it had been the previous time, his gaze directed downward, focused on his shoes rather than looking ahead of himself to make sure he wasn’t bumping into anyone.

Feeling an eager smile tugging at her lips, Jemma rushed to catch up with him as he hurried down the hall, calling excitedly, “Fitz!”

She waited a moment, very narrowly missing a small group of older cadets just leaving a classroom further down the hall and very obviously not paying attention to where they were going. However, Fitz didn’t stop or even slow down, and she wondered if, perhaps, he hadn’t heard her over the din.

So, picking up her pace a bit to follow more closely along behind him as he dodged around other students and raising her voice slightly, she simply tried again. “Fitz!”

It was only once she noticed his shoulders tensing and the way that his footsteps briefly faltered before he began walking so quickly that he was almost jogging away that it finally occurred to her that he’d heard her perfectly – he was just choosing to ignore her instead.

And with that realization, Jemma abruptly gave up her attempt to catch up with Fitz, allowing him to get far enough down the hall that he disappeared completely.

--

Feeling truly awful and horrible and like the worst person to have ever lived, Fitz didn’t stop until he’d exited the building and could drop heavily back to rest against the brick wall beside the doors, closing his eyes and groaning in defeat. However, quickly trying to soothe the guilt that was gnawing at his insides and making his stomach twist with nausea, he told himself firmly that in the long run, it was better this way.

Despite how foolish he’d been acting as of late, Fitz was no fool, and he knew that if he were to talk to Simmons now, he was inevitably going to muck it all up and ruin any chance he had of ever talking to her again. He may not have known her all that well (or at all, really), but from what he’d observed already, he just knew deep down inside that they truly could get on, if given the chance.

But, in order for that to happen, he first had to find the right words to say to her, something impressive enough that she wouldn’t just laugh in his face as soon as they left his mouth. He had to show her that he wasn’t just some loud-mouthed kid that corrected professors and refused to talk to his peers. He had to prove to her that they were one in the same, the youngest cadets on the Academy campus and, apparently, with a great love of knowledge.

He couldn’t quite put his finger on it, but there was something about Simmons, something that gave Fitz the impression that this – and she – was important, something further than the fact that they seemed to have things in common. And, because of that, he had to make sure that everything went according to plan.

So, placing the utmost importance on said plan, he made a quick detour across campus and ducked briefly into the cafeteria to grab a lunch on the go, then headed back to his dorm room. There, he immediately got started on coming up with the perfect thing to say to impress Simmons.

Once he found it, Fitz assured himself that he’d be the one catching up with Simmons in the hallway and striking up a conversation, and the very idea had a smile tugging at his lips.

--

The following day, the time that Jemma had originally allotted to trying to speak with Fitz again, she instead found herself silently stewing in chemistry, unable to figure out just what it was that she’d done to deserve the way that Fitz treated her. Initially, she’d been upset and hurt about the whole thing, wondering what it was about her that seemed to repel or even repulse Fitz. Now, however, after spending all night thinking it over, she was simply angry.

She just didn’t understand it – everyone she’d ever met seemed to have found her perfectly lovely (if not a bit strange, what with her above average intelligence, but that was to be expected), and Fitz hadn’t even given her a chance to show him how lovely she was! It was incredibly rude of him, really, and Jemma couldn’t help but wonder where he’d gotten manners like that from.  

Just as much, though, she couldn’t seem to figure out why the whole thing bothered her the way that it did (and no, it didn’t have anything to with his symmetrical features and cute little blush either). In the grand scheme of things, she didn’t even really know Fitz, so his opinion of her shouldn’t matter in the slightest. Sure, she’d found herself fascinated by the first person she’d met who could keep up with her intellectually but was around her age, but…

Before she could give anymore thought to the wide range of questions surrounding her feelings about the whole situation, however, she quickly returned her focus back in on Agent Patterson, raising her hand to answer the question that he’d just posed to the room at large (just because she wasn’t paying full attention didn’t mean that she wasn’t still intent on learning something).

Then, she heard Fitz’s voice coming from the back of the room, his tone clearly rushed as he hurried to answer the question first.

Jemma’s eyes grew wide in complete surprise and utter disbelief – he was sitting right there, just a couple of rows behind her, so surely he’d seen her hand raised patiently. Perhaps he just hadn’t been paying much attention either?

However, it became quite clear that he was paying attention and just didn’t care, as it only continued to happen all throughout class. And, to make matters worse, when Jemma turned around in her seat to throw a fierce glare at him to show how much she didn’t appreciate his actions, he didn’t even bother to meet her gaze. Instead, he seemed to simply look straight through her as he kept his eyes firmly on the front of the room and Patterson.

Truly annoyed now, Jemma came to the sharp and sudden conclusion that the reason Fitz had been avoiding her and blowing her off was because he wasn’t interested in making friends, as she had been. In fact, it seemed as though he was taking the fight for top of the class as seriously as she was, and he’d correctly singled her out as competition. She hadn’t expected it to start quite so soon, but she was just fine with it.

If Fitz wanted a rival, then he’d have a rival.

[agent-85]

Hi sorry, I don't remember everything.^^' It was just after the ep and I was wondering what's left for me in this show? I mean I'm not very interested about Daisy, and I don't care about ward and hydra, these chapters were dead and should have stayed that way. Then they broke the only logical reason why Jemma and Daisy would be fine irl with the backdoor. They have no I.V. and no medical support so they will die of dehydration and before that they will "wet" themselves and worse... (sorry)

(2) They’ve gone way too far with Fitz, a freaking nazi sociopath :/ They tainted his character. Worse! another useless “love” triangle and this one is even more disgusting because merged with theme of non-con/violation/rape theme and if you add the fact that Fitz helped building her which has a father-imagery to it, it’s just urgh!! They don’t learn anything. So my main thing is FS and with Elizabeth quote, we’re going with the same kind of nonsense path than with GR arc…

(3) What’s the point to make Jemma save him if they don’t interact? I only watch to see that interaction. And with Jed quote, they don’t even have the decency to plan an ending… If it’s the last season, such a disappointment and whatever 1min “happy” scene they put at the end it won’t balanced all that nonsense. I’m sorry to tell you all that really, but I feel sad and lonely in my case and I love your blog so… sorry.(end)

Hey there, anon! Thanks for resending the first ask. I want to make sure I understand where you are coming from.

Okay, first of all, I think it’s a little premature to judge 4C after watching one episode. This was all setup, and we haven’t gotten to the real story yet. My guess is that we won’t really get to it until 4x18, since 4x17 seems to be Setup Part Two, in which we see where the other characters are (including, possibly, Elena and the real world crew). 

I get really annoyed at people who gave up on the show after 1x5 because they were disappointed that no superheroes showed up. That’s not what this show is about, and if they’d taken the time to look at the show for what it is, maybe they would have liked it. 

I am 1000% here for FitzSimmons, and I get by on amazing team dynamics when the FitzSimmons is stupid. So, if you’re not into Hydra or Daisy, may I suggest that we have a great story going on outside of that. Daisy is one player in this, and Hydra is just a weapon. The REAL villain is Aida, and since Aida has stolen Fitz, Jemma will have to fight Aida to get him back. That is something I am DYING to see.

Jemma spent all of season three as a damsel in distress, so to me, it is vital that she has this chance to save the day. It’s not that Jemma doesn’t fight; it’s that she fights in quiet, subtle ways, like she did when she tried to win Fitz’s heart in 3B. Meanwhile, Fitz gets to jump through holes in universes for her. My favorite thing about FitzSimmons is that they are equals—in intelligence, in courage, and in morality. So they should get equal chance to get the meaty, action hero roles, don’t you think? I do! Also, I just love Jemma and I’m so excited for her to get some screen time.

As for being trapped in the Framework: the purpose is to raise the stakes. If Jemma and Daisy can get in and out whenever they want, the story is over in five minutes. They want a bigger story than that, so we’re getting higher stakes. Before, they were trying to find the physical location of their teammates. Now, they have to actually navigate this new world in order to save themselves as well. To me, that’s a more interesting story. How are they going to get themselves out of an impossible situation? What happens AFTER? I’m so excited to find that out. 

Cut for length!!

As for Jemma and Daisy’s physical bodies: they’ll probably be fine. If we can suspend our belief about an evil robot stealing minds, I think we can assume that Elena and Piper are doing a good job looking after them.

As for Fitz: yes, he is technically a Nazi, but he’s not a sociopath. Radcliffe is a sociopath, because he lacks any morality whatsoever. Framework Fitz, on the other hand, is doing what he thinks is right. Part of that is that he is trying to protect Madame Hydra, and I think there’s a bigger part we haven’t seen yet. Radcliffe would never get that angry about protecting someone else.

And here’s an important thing about Fitz: he has been deceived. His memories have been wiped and replaced with new ones, and our responses are often shaped by our experiences. I think of this as abuse rather than rape. He is making his own choices, but he is making them based on the information available to him. He doesn’t know that this information isn’t the truth. The writers like to play with this all the time, making a character make the “wrong” choice because they have bad information. 

Jemma is the best example of this, because she’s usually the writer’s favorite victim. In season two when there was a possibility that then-Skye could be an Inhuman, Jemma talked about it like it was a plague. This scared Skye, and rightly so! But Jemma had a good reason to see it that way, because of the facts that were presented to her. Think about what Jemma saw happen in that temple! Mack was possessed, Trip was turned to rubble, and Raina became a homicidal porcupine. If you see those three things happen to people who go inside the temple, and your friend also went inside that temple, are you going to be worried about your friend? HECK YEAH! Of course, Jemma had no idea about Inhuman DNA or terrigenesis, and that was important information! As soon as she understood what was actually happening, she did a complete 180, because Jemma is a good person who was only trying to help her friends in the first place.

Something similar is happening to Fitz here. He is being lied to. He is being used. Madame Hydra needs his creativity to create this world and do whatever nefarious things she has planned, so she’s keeping him close and playing off his desires. He wants Jemma, so she stands in as Jemma. He wants to protect people, so she puts him in a position where he has to protect her. This is brainwashing, just like Jemma said!

The thing I was most worried about when it came to this arc was that there would be an implication that this is how the characters really are inside. I’m excited about this arc because that’s clearly not the case. Does Coulson, in his heart of hearts, believe that Inhumans are evil and that Hydra should stop them? NO! He has literally fought against those ideas. But he does have a tendency to be a company man, and now he’s been made to believe that Hydra is the company. His weakness has been exploited, just like May and Fitz’s weaknesses have. And they are being exploited in a way that serves Madame Hydra’s goals. The real question is this: when they see what’s true, will they change? Will they do what’s right? I think they will. They didn’t choose this life, and they’re already subconsciously fighting against it. Give them a chance to fight consciously, and we’ll see them tear this place down. That’s the whole point of Jemma’s “You are not your programming” speech. They HAVE been programmed, but they are more than that and they WILL overcome their programming. 

Gonna go out of order here and talk about Fitz and Jemma not interacting: again, this raises the stakes. What we saw with the Ghost Rider arc was FS getting pulled apart (this was one of those times I subsisted on team dynamics), and this is about FS fighting their way back to each other. Fitz will probably fight in a small, quiet way and Jemma will be dramatic and loud for a change. So yes, they won’t be in the same room, but the story will be about their relationship. That was all set up by Daisy’s “you belong together” speech. I want to see them fight for each other! AND, eventually they WILL be together—this is all buildup to that payoff. I want that payoff! We got buildup of Fitz’s feelings in season one with the payoff of, “You’re more than that, Jemma.��� We got the buildup of Jemma’s feelings in season two with “Maybe there is.” I know it’s going to be painful for them to be apart, but they will be in each other’s thoughts, and the payoff will hopefully be worth waiting for.

So, I’m not sure which Elizabeth quote you’re talking about, because there are a few. She said Jemma would be worried that she’d never get Fitz back, and we’d have to see if she forgives Fitz. But the thing about Elizabeth and anyone else is that their job is to promote the show. As my friend @aretsuna would say: the enemy is shooting at us. They are trying to stir things up to get you to tune in. If Elizabeth said, “Well, you know, Jemma is worried, but she really shouldn’t be because they find Fitz and everything’s okay,” she’d be doing a bad job. So, you have to take what she says with about a mountain of salt. All you can really get from that is that in 16, Jemma is worried about getting Fitz back. Doesn’t mean she’s not going to get Fitz back. Just means that she hasn’t figured out how to do it yet. 

Honestly, I pay zero attention to anything they say about the future. That’s all a mind game they’re playing. What’s interesting is listening them talk about the past and their reactions to things that have already happened.

I agree that we absolutely need a fifth season. This is why I’ve been trying to encourage people to do things that will help the show get renewed. They said at the beginning that they had a five-season plan, and I don’t want to see 4/5 of that plan. I’d be okay with 6/5 or 7/5 of that plan, if they did it right. 

BUT, there are a lot of factors going on here, and it boils down to basically a gamble. They are betting that the show will be renewed. In a way, that’s smart, because it’s easier to cancel a show when the writers/creators have stopped fighting. They also know that if they leave the story unfinished, WE will demand more. This is how Nashville got picked up by CMT after it was cancelled: they wrapped up every storyline but one, leaving a HUGE cliffhanger. The fans didn’t stand for that, and they ended up getting the rest of that story. That strategy can work for us. The other things that work for us is the fact that Marvel is backing them up, there’s a new Inhumans show to play off of (Arrowverse style), and a lot of the other ABC shows are not doing so great. We have a chance, and the more noise we make, the better the chances are.

That said, my guess is that they’re smart enough to do something that can work as both a series or season finale. The finale of Agent Carter is a good example of this. At the very least, we have the hope that anything that isn’t resolved here is resolved in other MCU series or movies.

Well, anon, I hope that addresses your concerns! That’s the best case I can make! Obviously, these are all my opinions and you have a right to your own, but I hope you don’t feel alone. I hope you can find a little optimism for how 4C will unfold. If it’s terrible, I promise I’ll call them out on it like I have in the past. For now though, I’m looking forward to seeing what they have in store for us. I hope I’ve helped you look forward to that as well.

[redscullyrevival]

Fool’s Fate: The Tawny Man Rundown

@sonnetscrewdriver I’ve moved on to Dragon Keeper!

Plot/Setting/Narrative

Jesus

Okay

Holy shit???

I need a moment

Alright, so lets start easy

Being the Age of Sail nerdo I am this book’s voage bits were amusing and then a bit dissapointing; an apprecaition of sailing and living the sailor LifeStyle isn’t really a Six Duchies thing it seems, huh?

I was SO excited with getting a glimpse of my precious Bingtown babies in the last book that I was stoked for a high sea adventure in this book but wah waah mostly it was sea sickness and brooding 

Honestly I let myself down because this is a Fitz story and, well, how else would the sea be depicted?! LOL 

Poor Thick

Poor everyone for the most part, yikes

Farseer had a lot of mystery to it, a lot of slow burn world building/concept reveal with answers eventually given; Liveship Traders showed it’s cards on the table for the most part but thrived of the suspense of all the threads coming together or possibly unraveling; Tawny Man is the first series where I understood events before the characters did, the results of which made the series much more subdude than the last two. 

Not in a bad way, just, ya know, different. 

“Life Is Change” is very obviously the big overarching connecting theme between the Realm of the Elderling series and I only have praise for the fact each series has it’s own distinct tone and approach to the same (and shared) characters - it’d be a hallow utterance if the book narratives themselves did not change and grow series to series. 

The change in Tawny Man is big; it’s big for the narrative space and it’s big for Fitz and it’s big for the reader.

And you can accept the change or reject it, that’s a option we as the reader has.

I choose to embrace it.

But oh man, oh my god, I will miss The Fool. I’ll miss “Fitz and The Fool” as a unit. I know there is a new series and I’ll get to it eventually but I’ve got four Rain Wild books (YAY!) before I come back to Fitz and his part of the map so this is a solid goodbye for a while and it feels odd to part with them in the place we do.

Odd, but new. 

I’m talkin’ out my butt - I’m a little sad okay?! But I’m happy too. 

And I think that’s what this book was going for; a kind of reaffirmation that life and change is hurt and happiness and a lot of effort went into guiding readers through feeling that message as well as understanding it on an informative level.  

Ultimately I enjoyed Tawny Man more than Farseer, it’s just much more my-type-of-story. 

I never really agreed with/bought into Fitz’s choices within much of the Farseer Trilogy. I understood Fitz’s logic of course, so his choosing to let expel his pain and hide away (and all the other choices along the way) were not make or break issues for me; there is much to enjoy simply being along for the ride.

But with Tawny Man it was very satisfying for me to see Fitz come back again and again to his past decisions and not cast them off as impervious to change or impossible to face. 

That’s a beautiful message.  

I embrace that message very much in my mind and I will try to embrace it within my own life as well. 

And this isn’t relevant to anything but a little thing I’d like to preserve for my own amusement: This was the first book I’ve ever read on a Kindle! Lee got me one for my birthday for my “Year of Book” project. It took a little time get use to but once I adjusted I really enjoyed it - particularly the fact that if you are reading a borrowed book from an online library it shows you what others have highlighted as they read! I found that very interesting and I enjoyed highlighting my own favorite bits (which, not shockingly, coincided with many other people’s favorite bits).

For Rain Wild Chronicles I may start a new section for these write ups where I relay some of my highlighted sections, ‘cause why not? These are already long and useless, might as well really own them. 

Fitz

I know there is a lot we could talk about when it comes to Fitz in this book 

But I kinda already covered him in the setting/plot/narrative section above

And I really just want to let anyone bothering to read this know that I’ve never liked Fitz more then when he cleaned up and donned fancy Jamaillian digs and walked into Molly’s family chaos to tell a grieving family he is FitzChivalry Farseer and he’s gonna look after them.

I was shocked and horrified and thrilled and laughing

Fitz truly changed! It wasn’t just description of his inner change (although that was lovely, good for The Fool, thank you Fool) but the end of the book drags a bit as it does so as to allow Fitz to act on this inner change - which is something I’ll never hold against Hobb. 

So many books end quickly after their narrative climax but Hobb likes a good post cuddle and god bless her for it. 

Cutting a story off after the final movements have played is dramatic and can help events stand out as an experience in an audiences mind; but there is unique pleasure in seeing the individuals of an orchestra pack up their belongings and shuffle out isn’t there? There is a true affection for humanity’s relentless plodding along in those final chapters. Fine by me. 

The Fool

): 

So I freaked out towards the end there, ya know? 

And much like with when it happened to Fitz, a part of me thought it a cruel thing to do, to bring someone that far gone and that brutalized back.

I understood the thematic ouroboros of The Fool’s return and as a fan it was a relief of sorts but there is still that small part of me that found it cruel all the same.

I’m floored with how moved I was by the aftermath of the Fool’s death. Fitz’s quest to find the body and then to restore dignity to his friend - that was some rough stuff. 

It wasn’t “true grief” like with Nighteyes (for me anyways) but rather a form of anticipatory mourning, but in reverse? Hard to explain.

The point is yes, I cried.  

Oh oh oh how I hope The Fool can learn to manage in a world they can’t see into or shape. I hope to see the Fool again after visiting the Rain Wilds. 

Hap

lol

fuckin’ Hap

I love this idiot 

I love how all around Hap epic and fantastical things happen and his story is just him coming of age and figuring his shit out

Good for him

Does he know who Fitz really is though?! This was never addressed?! 

Prince Dutiful

Dutiful cracks me up

I love how he’ll go into PRINCE MODE and be near perfect Sacrifice and royal and awe inspiring 

then he laughs at boogers

Dutiful is hilarious to me, how I see him switch back and forth between mature young prince to out-of-his-depth-survivor brought me much joy

I love his friendship with Thick; I love how he falls for Elliania’s transparent baiting; I love how he’d be cool outwardly but skill “WTF is happening?!?”

What a joy! 

Chad

In the last book Chad really slipped through my fingers but now we’re back to our normal rocky relationship.

I like Chad

but then I don’t

And I think, finally, I’m okay with that duality 

Thick

My sweet little man

Everything about Thick is my favorite thing

I especially love how he is often described as being bored

Discussing intrigue and espionage and dragons? BORED 

Hahaha!

No wonder he and Nettle get along so well

I especially loved how he decided, for himself, to stay with Fitz on  Aslevjal

I’m excited to come back and hear more, learn more, about Thick

Nettle

I wouldn’t wanna be on Nettle’s shit list, would you?

What a storm of a person!

Nettle isn’t very defined still, she is a bit reactionary and never quite gets totally fleshed out by the end of the book. 

Which is a bit of a shame.

But! Nettle of the Dream World is a different story. 

She feels much more defined there and I dunno, maybe that’s intentional?

I like her but I’d have to spend a lot more time with her in the solid narrative space rather than the abstract dream/skill narrative space to really have opinions or emotions over her as her own character rather than her as a character and how she relates/involves/moves Fitz, Burrich, Molly, or Thick.  

Elliania

Elliania has a similar disadvantage as Nettle does but at the same time she still has more definition (to me) then Nettle; her motivation and actions are followable and her personality is filled in with Outisland society.

And she ain’t afraid to smack a bitch up with her titties out.

So she gets some mad bonus points right there.

I really felt for Elliania’s struggle and she totally won me over in the scene where she comes up from inside the Pale Woman’s domain dragging her forged sister and mother with her.

One of those scenes where the grandure, emotion, and awe of it all was very powerful

loved it, love her

Web

YEAH

Don’t need permission to do what’s right - fuck yeah

Web’s the friggin’ best guys

I want a spin-off of him teaching Old Blood children and Fitz

Swift

This little shit

I love him, I love all of Molly and Burrich’s wild children, but Swift gave me anxiety lol

I’m actually really intrigued by Swift but he’s too brief and wild at the moment, I hope he mellows out a bit but still keeps that confrontational fire and uses it for good

Burrich

NO. 

God

Damn

It

When my man showed up on Aslevjal I was shocked

I was so mad 

I was also very happy of course but ughgughgu

I WAS CONFLICTED and had good right to be

Oh this man, I really adore Burrich even though he is a flawed person - that’s what is so compelling about him though.

We kept learning things about and from Burrich up until the very end. 

I’ll miss you, Heart of the Pack.

Molly

I’m devastated for Molly

I’m Happy for Molly 

I’m very pro-Molly in general even though she is a bit vague

Like, she is more than just a plot device but not by a whole lot, ya know? 

What I wanna do though is sit her down and have a real heart to heart; ask her if she really thinks Fitz will ever be truly free himself of his duty, from his duty to the Farseers or from his own idea of honor.

That man is going to leave off on some quest or some shit you know it, I know it, she must know it! 

Be safe Molly, but happy, but alert

[trumpetnista]

CMW2/Trumpetnista: Shattering Expectations (163/163)

Summary from FFN: "Ideally, a Presidency lasts 8 years. Ideally, a marriage lasts 50. 8 years of a job, even the highest job in the Land is not worth 42 years of misery...";"What kind of coward was I to marry her and not wait for you to show up...why didn't I meet you sooner..."These two lines will be at the core of this Olitz fic;Rated for language & spice;7th in my 2013 SSS Project;NOW COMPLETE!

Teaser from Chapter 163: "Look, it's Bibi! Papi, it's Bibi and they've got Grampy too! They're next to each other! Look!"

"I see them, angelita (little angel). Do you know why they're here?"

"Cuz they were Presidents, too?"

"Grampy was. Bibi was his First Lady. Do you like their pictures?"

"Uh-huh...but where are Grampy's glasses? Did he lose them again?"

"No, Sophie, he didn't need them yet."

"Ohhh..."

As if on cue, Fitz came into view and Olivia cracked up at the bemused expression on his face.

"Did you lose your glasses, again?"

"...maybe."

"Did you, Mister?"

"...yes. Apparently, it's a family me-may, now."

"It's pronounced 'meme', love."

"Right...Livvie, have you seen my glasses?"

"Nope, but there's a spare pair next to the cookie jar. Look at how excited she is..."

Mm. You still okay with being married to a slightly forgetful and blind old man?"

"Always."

Disclaimer for the full story: “Honestly, it’s not mine!”

"Look, it's Bibi! Papi, it's Bibi and they've got Grampy too! They're next to each other! Look!"

"I see them, angelita (little angel). Do you know why they're here?"

"Cuz they were Presidents, too?"

"Grampy was. Bibi was his First Lady. Do you like their pictures?"

"Uh-huh...but where are Grampy's glasses? Did he lose them again?"

"No, Sophie, he didn't need them yet."

"Ohhh..."

As if on cue, Fitz came into view and Olivia cracked up at the bemused expression on his face.

"Did you lose your glasses, again?"

"...maybe."

"Did you, Mister?"

"...yes. Apparently, it's a family me-may, now."

"It's pronounced 'meme', love."

"Right...Livvie, have you seen my glasses?"

"Nope, but there's a spare pair next to the cookie jar. Look at how excited she is..."

"Mm. You still okay with being married to a slightly forgetful and blind old man?"

"Always."

After pocketing her phone, Olivia jumped onto his back and Fitz laughed, holding onto her easily.

"Giddy-up, mule."

"Mule? I am not a mule!"

"You're not?"

"No, ma'am. I'm a stallion, baby and you know it!"

"You're a sexy mule."

"A sexy mule? How does that even work? Explain that to me, wife."

"Later, husband. Giddy-up. C'mon, we're burning daylight."

"Where are we going?"

"Outside. The apples are ready to be picked and I'm hungry for them."

"Yes, ma'am."

Their Vermont estate was the best in the fall. The colors of the trees, the breeze, the harvest...it was an oasis. As the years passed, the fishbowl that surrounded them shrank significantly and they were protective of their privacy, theirs and all of their children. Gerry had grown up to go into IT, getting a job in the Capital Building. Krishna Rose was an artist, specializing in murals, and their twins, Alex and Maddie were in their second year of undergrad. Alexander was majoring in forensics, focusing on entomology and Madeline was there for accounting, along with dance.  

None of them expressed an interest in going into politics and Olivia was honestly grateful.

Not to say that her children wouldn't have been excellent politicians or behind the scene players but knowing that they wouldn't be under so much stress, so much scrutiny? It was a relief. They had gotten enough of that life because of Fitz's Presidency and her continuing to work as a Fixer. All of her babies deserved to forge their own paths to success and more importantly, joy.  

Gerry and Esperanza had gotten married after graduating from MIT together. Before a year passed, Sophia Grace Diaz-Grant had entered the world to much love and fanfare. "The Grant Dynasty", as the Media dubbed them was growing and still going strong. Krishna Rose and Henry had quietly gotten together their freshman year of high school and while they weren't married, they were still quite serious. Olivia guessed that one day, her oldest daughter would come home to visit with a baby bump and that was just fine with her. Henry was a good man who adored her and her oldest daughter had a good head on her shoulders, even with her free-spirited ways.

Neither of the twins had found anyone yet but it was only a matter of time.

And although, it would make her feel very, very old, Olivia would embrace it.

Being old wasn't the end of the world. It was a blessing. It meant that she was still standing.

Plus, Fitz would always be older than her so it balanced out!

"What are you giggling about, gorgeous girl?"

"Just happy."

"Good. It means that I'm doing my job."

Olivia pressed a kiss to the crown of his head and sighed. His hair was pure silver now but the waves were still luxuriously thick and soft. Fitz had gained a bit of weight over the years, as had she but he was still in excellent physical condition, strong and virile. As age set in, the need for glasses arose but that was genetic, as were hers. She really did have to find a way to help him keep up with his glasses better. As funny as it was when he lost them, he did need them for reading and seeing for long distances. Maybe Huck could create an app...

"Ooh. Stop here, please."

Olivia picked a red and juicy apple from a branch and took a big bite of it. The crispness, the sweetness...there were few things better than fresh produce that one grew themselves for a meal.  

Well, besides sharing it...

Fitz's bite was just as big but slower, looking downright sensual in a primal way. Her husband was a biter. He always had been and always would be. Of course, with their children and grandchildren  around, they had a lot more discretion but occasionally, there would be a curiously shaped mark on her hip or inner thigh. Given that she still liked to scratch his back and nibble his ear, it was a fair exchange.

Olivia hopped down and continued her morning walk, knowing that he would follow her.  Both of them were in pajamas and robes but barefoot. Although they could and would still dress up for big events, mainly she and Fitz lived in their pajamas. They were fashionable and chic pajamas but still, pajamas. And Fitz lived barefoot. If it was raining or snowing, he'd put on a pair of loafers otherwise? It was okay. They had more than earned the right to be comfortable and at peace with their loved ones.  

"I think that's my favorite sight in the world."

"What? My hips swaying in the breeze?"

"Just how happy you are...and your hips swaying in the breeze. You wouldn't mind bending over, real quick, would you?"

"You are shameless!"

"And you love me for it!"

"Against my better judgement."

"Still counts. C'mere..."

As soon as Olivia got in his reach again, he scooped her up in a hug and she kissed him with smiling lips. He tasted like mint mouthwash, ginger tea, apples, and home. He tasted like home. He smelled like home. He felt like home because that's who Fitzgerald Thomas Grant III was to her. Fitz was Olivia's home and she was happy to be his home.  

They belonged together.

Forever.

"...hi."

"Hi."

FIN.

[cover2covermom]

Goodbye June & hello July!

I cannot believe we are officially in the second half of 2019!  Where did the first half of the year go?  I’m going to need time to slow down a bit because I am thoroughly enjoying my summer and am not ready for the craziness of the fall yet.

Let’s see what I read in June…

June was a decent reading month for me.  I managed to finish 11 books, which sounds like a lot, but 3 of these books were shorter children’s chapter books I listened to via audiobook with my daughter…  I also didn’t accomplish much on the blog front, but I did take 2 weeks off during my vacation & the aftermath of getting back to reality.  I hope to get more accomplished both reading & blogging wise this month.

» Matilda by Roald Dahl

This was actually my first time reading Matilda and I loved every moment!  I grew up watching the film adaptation, so I was familiar with the storyline.  I can now really appreciate how well done the movie adaptation really is.  Reading this definitely gave me all the nostalgia feels.

» My Father’s Dragon by Ruth Stiles Gannett

This book was listed in The Read-Aloud Handbook as a good book to read-aloud with younger children, so I gave it a go via audiobook with my 5-year-old.   This was a cute story that was simple enough for younger children to understand.  If your children enjoy picture books like The Gruffalo with lots of clever trickery by the main character, and want to attempt simple chapter books, this is a good place to start!

» With the Fire on High by Elizabeth Acevedo

I adored Elizabeth Acevedo’s debut novel, The Poet X, so I was very excited to read her next book.  I listened to her first book via audiobook, and fell in love with the author’s narration.  I chose to listen to Fire on High via audiobook as well.  I loved this one just as much as her first!  Elizabeth Acevedo has a beautiful way with words & I adore her characters & plotlines.  I typically stray away from YA contemporary, but I’ll read anything Acevedo writes!

» Deconstructing Penguins: Parents, Kids, and and the Bond of Reading by Lawrence & Nancy Goldstone

*3.5 Stars*

This was a very interesting little book about a husband & wife team that run book clubs for parents & their children.  The Goldstone team breaks down books into their elements: characters (protagonist vs antagonist), setting, themes, etc. to really dig into what the author was trying to convey with the books.  The authors talk about a few of the books they frequently utilize in their bookclubs in detail, so if you do not want to be spoiled for these books, you might not want to pick this up.

» Daisy Jones and the Six by Taylor Jenkins Reid

I know this book has very mixed reviews due to its format, but I LOVED this book.  Since Daisy Jones and the Six is told in interview format from many different characters, many people were turned off.  Since I knew this was the format going into the book, this read like a classic rock band documentary playing out in my mind.  This book was meant for TV or film adaptation.

» Dark Matter by Blake Crouch

Dark Matter blew my mind.  I think Blake Crouch did a wonderful job taking such a complex theory and constructing a story accessible to all different kinds of readers.  Dark Matter would appeal to a wide variety of readers: science fiction, thriller, romance etc.   I read this book with one of my book clubs and it made for an excellent discussion.

» Amelia Bedelia (Audio Collection) by Peggy Parish

I listened to this audiobook collection with my 5-year-old daughter.  We really enjoyed listening to this collection of stories about Amelia Bedelia.  Actually, Amelia reminded me a bit of Anne from Anne of Green Gables.  Since these stories were first published in the 60’s and 70’s, it was a bit dated, which made it a bit more challenging for my daughter to totally understand all of Amelia’s misunderstandings, but it was a great opportunity to talk to her about words & phrases with multiple meanings.

» The Night Tiger by Yangsze Choo

*3.5 Stars*

I picked up The Night Tiger after discovering that it was set in Malaya in the 1930.  I love historical fiction, especially one with a touch of magic realism.   I think the author nailed the setting here, which was the best part of the book for me.  It really felt authentic and I also liked that the author really showcased what it was like for a woman in Malaya in the 30s.  I also enjoyed the magic realism elements and the Malayan folklore & superstitions.  On the flip side, the length of the book was far too long and the pacing was too slow, particularly in the middle, so it took me a long time to trudge through this story.  I also did not care for the romance… to be honest, it was off-putting.  In my opinion, the book would have been much stronger without it.

» A Spark of Light by Jodi Picoult

A Spark of Light was classic Jodi Picoult.   I respect that Jodi tackled such a hot button issue like abortion, despite the fact that it must have had an impact on her career.   Is there a topic she won’t address?  Unfortunately when you are dealing with the abortion debate, most people are firmly pro-life or pro-choice.  There isn’t much of a gray area.  I think Picoult did a wonderful job of showing the perspective of women that choose to have an abortion and that it isn’t typically an easy decision for most.  Picoult addresses many issues in the abortion debate that are very relevant right now.

I had a hunch about one of the twists, but the other took me completely by surprise.

» The Storied Life of A.J. Fikry by Gabrielle Zevin

This book will definitely be one of my top reads of 2019!  What bookworm doesn’t love a story about books, bookstores, and the people that love books?  The Storied Life of A.J. Fikry was heartwarming, funny, and emotional.  I’d recommend this book to fans of quirky characters & fans of books like A Man Called Ove.

This made for an excellent book club discussion with the moral dilemmas in the story.

» Beezus and Ramona (Ramona #1) by Beverly Cleary

I remember a teacher reading us this series as a kid, so I decided to give the audiobook a go with my daughter.  Despite the fact that this was originally published in 1955, I was surprised how timeless it felt.  Sure, there were definitely some parts that dated it, but overall it still felt relevant.  Beezus and Ramona captures the complexities of sibling relationships perfectly, especially siblings with a significant age gap.

Goodreads Challenge Update:

#YARC2019 Update: 13 books!

Year of Asian Reading Challenge TBR + Progress Tracker #YARC2019

I read 1 book in June for #YARC2019, bringing my total up to 13 books for the year.  This month I read The Night Tiger.

2019 Goals Update:

» 80% NetGalley feedback ratio = 15 backlist ARCs ⇒ 7/15 ARCs

So technically I did “read” one NetGalley ARC in June.  I ended up DNFing it at 30%, but it totally counts because I wrote my review on NetGalley explaining why I wasn’t going to finish it.  My NetGalley feedback ratio is now up to 68%.

» 30 physical TBR books ⇒ 13/30 books

I read 2 books off my physical TBR in June.  I read Dark Matter & A Spark of Light.

» No buying new books ⇒ Fail!

Yeah I bought a few books… BUT only 9… ((facepalm))

» Read long books I’ve been putting off ⇒ 0/3

Still no progress on this goal HOWEVER one of these books is actually on my July TBR, so that is progress right?

May 2019 Reading & Blogging Wrap-Up

June 2019 TBR

Most Anticipated Books of 2019 (July – December)

My Iron Tome-A-Thon TBR #IronTomeAThon

Mini Book Reviews: June 2019 (Part 1)

» Normal People by Sally Rooney

At school Connell and Marianne pretend not to know each other. He’s popular and well-adjusted, star of the school soccer team while she is lonely, proud, and intensely private. But when Connell comes to pick his mother up from her housekeeping job at Marianne’s house, a strange and indelible connection grows between the two teenagers—one they are determined to conceal.

A year later, they’re both studying at Trinity College in Dublin. Marianne has found her feet in a new social world while Connell hangs at the sidelines, shy and uncertain. Throughout their years in college, Marianne and Connell circle one another, straying toward other people and possibilities but always magnetically, irresistibly drawn back together. Then, as she veers into self-destruction and he begins to search for meaning elsewhere, each must confront how far they are willing to go to save the other.

Sally Rooney brings her brilliant psychological acuity and perfectly spare prose to a story that explores the subtleties of class, the electricity of first love, and the complex entanglements of family and friendship.

» Keeper of the Lost Cities Collection (#1-5) by Shannon Messenger

Twelve-year-old Sophie Foster has a secret. She’s a Telepath—someone who hears the thoughts of everyone around her. It’s a talent she’s never known how to explain.

Everything changes the day she meets Fitz, a mysterious boy who appears out of nowhere and also reads minds. She discovers there’s a place she does belong, and that staying with her family will place her in grave danger. In the blink of an eye, Sophie is forced to leave behind everything and start a new life in a place that is vastly different from anything she has ever known.

Sophie has new rules to learn and new skills to master, and not everyone is thrilled that she has come “home.”  There are secrets buried deep in Sophie’s memory—secrets about who she really is and why she was hidden among humans—that other people desperately want. Would even kill for.

In this page-turning debut, Shannon Messenger creates a riveting story where one girl must figure out why she is the key to her brand-new world, before the wrong person finds the answer first.

» Educated by Tara Westover

Tara Westover was 17 the first time she set foot in a classroom. Born to survivalists in the mountains of Idaho, she prepared for the end of the world by stockpiling home-canned peaches and sleeping with her “head-for-the-hills bag”. In the summer she stewed herbs for her mother, a midwife and healer, and in the winter she salvaged in her father’s junkyard.

Her father forbade hospitals, so Tara never saw a doctor or nurse. Gashes and concussions, even burns from explosions, were all treated at home with herbalism. The family was so isolated from mainstream society that there was no one to ensure the children received an education and no one to intervene when one of Tara’s older brothers became violent.

Then, lacking any formal education, Tara began to educate herself. She taught herself enough mathematics and grammar to be admitted to Brigham Young University, where she studied history, learning for the first time about important world events like the Holocaust and the civil rights movement. Her quest for knowledge transformed her, taking her over oceans and across continents, to Harvard and to Cambridge. Only then would she wonder if she’d traveled too far, if there was still a way home.

Educated is an account of the struggle for self-invention. It is a tale of fierce family loyalty and of the grief that comes with severing the closest of ties. With the acute insight that distinguishes all great writers, Westover has crafted a universal coming-of-age story that gets to the heart of what an education is and what it offers: the perspective to see one’s life through new eyes and the will to change it.

» The Read-Aloud Handbook (7th Edition) by Jim Trelease

Recommended by “Dear Abby”, The New York Times and The Washington Post, for three decades, millions of parents and educators have turned to Jim Trelease’s beloved classic to help countless children become avid readers through awakening their imaginations and improving their language skills. Now this new edition of The Read-Aloud Handbook imparts the benefits, rewards, and importance of reading aloud to children of a new generation. Supported by delightful anecdotes as well as the latest research, The Read-Aloud Handbook offers proven techniques and strategies—and the reasoning behind them—for helping children discover the pleasures of reading and setting them on the road to becoming lifelong readers.

» Creating Room to Read by John Wood

The inspirational story of a former Microsoft executive’s quest to build libraries around the world and share the love of books

What’s happened since John Wood left Microsoft to change the world? Just ask six million kids in the poorest regions of Asia and Africa. In 1999, at the age of thirty-five, Wood quit a lucrative career to found the nonprofit Room to Read. Described by the San Francisco Chronicle as “the Andrew Carnegie of the developing world,” he strived to bring the lessons of the corporate world to the nonprofit sector—and succeeded spectacularly.

In his acclaimed first book, Leaving Microsoft to Change the World, Wood explained his vision and the story of his start-up. Now, he tackles the organization’s next steps and its latest challenges—from managing expansion to raising money in a collapsing economy to publishing books for children who literally have no books in their native language. At its heart, Creating Room to Read shares moving stories of the people Room to Read works to help: impoverished children whose schools and villages have been swept away by war or natural disaster and girls whose educations would otherwise be ignored.

People at the highest levels of finance, government, and philanthropy will embrace the opportunity to learn Wood’s inspiring business model and blueprint for doing good. And general readers will love Creating Room to Read for its spellbinding story of one man’s mission to put books within every child’s reach.

» Maybe He Just Likes You by Barbara Dee

*ARC sent for review – Available October 2019*

Barbara Dee explores the subject of #MeToo for the middle grade audience in this heart-wrenching—and ultimately uplifting—novel about experiencing harassment and unwanted attention from classmates.

For seventh grader Mila, it starts with an unwanted hug on the school blacktop.

The next day, it’s another hug. A smirk. Comments. It all feels…weird. According to her friend Zara, Mila is being immature, overreacting. Doesn’t she know what flirting looks like?

But it keeps happening, despite Mila’s protests. On the bus, in the halls. Even during band practice-the one time Mila could always escape to her “blue-sky” feeling. It seems like the boys are EVERYWHERE. And it doesn’t feel like flirting–so what is it?

Mila starts to gain confidence when she enrolls in karate class. But her friends still don’t understand why Mila is making such a big deal about the boys’ attention. When Mila is finally pushed too far, she realizes she can’t battle this on her own–and finds help in some unexpected places.

From the author of STAR-CROSSED, HALFWAY NORMAL and EVERYTHING I KNOW ABOUT YOU comes this timely story of a middle school girl standing up and finding her voice.

Which books did you read in June?

Have you read any of the books I read or hauled this month?  If so, what did you think?

Did you buy any books?  If so, which ones?

Comment below & let me know 🙂

June 2019 #Reading & #Blogging Wrap-Up! How many #books did you #read in June? #BookBlogger #Bibliophile #AmReading #Reading #Bookworm #BookTalk Goodbye June & hello July! I cannot believe we are officially in the second half of 2019! 

[trumpetnista]

CMW2/Trumpetnista: Draftbook Drabble 40 (Follow up to #7- Canon Corrector AU, Defiance, Olivia, Mellie, mentions of Fitz, FTGIV and Karen, Cyrus, Verna, Hollis, strong happy Olitz, common sense and karma prevails, What the actual fuck is a Mellivia? Seriously, what?)

Words from the Gladiator in a Hoodie: All right, so with the whole “Mellivia” “friendship” and "feminist alliance means forgiveness no matter what because all men are the Devil so we ruined our own lives and blame all men, especially Fitz for our misery" idea that SR has been shoving down our throats and up our asses since 5B, I would like to write a fic where the truth about them is fully in play. 

If there was any true common sense left in SCANDAL’s writer’s room, not only would Liv & Fitz actually be happy solo and as Olitz, OLIVIA AND MELLIE WOULD NEVER, EVER, EV-ER BE BESTIES. They would be civil for the sake of the kids and for the sake of Fitz (at least Liv would be) but actual besties? Hell, no! 

Who the fuck actually becomes besties with a person who helped demean you and took advantage of you? What idiocy made that possible? Well, the almighty POWER and “feminism” made it possible and this...this fic and any other fic I write nowadays is a protest. 

More chapter updates are on the way and I’ll return to one of the other D.D. plot lines (most likely the first Trail AU I started in D.D. #1) soon. Enjoy the latest. Mad Love, Jam, and Power Drills,  ~*Trumpetnista*~

Disclaimer: “Honestly, it’s not mine!”

Excerpt from Draftbook Drabble #7...

"…this was the dramatic scene two nights ago outside the Martin Plaza Hotel where the Grant Campaign had set up base. Millicent 'Mellie' Grant nee Vaughn, Cyrus Beene, Verna Thornton, and well known oil tycoon Hollis Doyle were all arrested under charges of conspiracy to commit voter fraud in Defiance County, Ohio…"

"Cytron Electronics has removed the machines…complete redesign…"

"…Olivia Pope…infiltrated the ranks of the DC4 Conspirators and turned over approximately 185 hours of audio. Individual conversations, recorded phone conversations, and roundtable meeting were given to the AUSA, along with a 2 hour and 45 minute videotaped deposition…"

"…Governor Grant filing for divorce and full custody of the children…"

"…modern day Watergate…the Governor himself was not involved but he has issued a statement saying that he will be turning the position of California Governor over to Lt. Governor Andrew Nichols and that he is throwing his support to Sally Langston to represent the Republican Party against Samuel Reston in the upcoming election in November. He also implied that we may be seeing him on the Trail again in 2016…"

"…but why, though? Other than the illegality, why? Why would Olivia Pope put herself in danger of prosecution or being silenced by the others to get the footage? What was her personal motivation? What did she get out of it and just where in the world is Olivia Pope, now?"

"…disgraceful…utterly disgraceful…a slap in the face to all American voters…they should all rot..."

"…got a sista digging up the dirt and shuttin' all of those crooked bitches down…I love it! Go 'head, girl…"

"Mellie got 8 years. Hollis and Cyrus got 15. Verna also got 8 but apparently, the old broad's chock full of terminal lung and bone cancer so they'll probably put her in a hospice someplace after a year, if she makes it to a year, anyway."

"All's well that ends well. They're where they belong..."

"...you say that we betrayed Fitz and we did but you…I still can't believe you, Liv! You set all of us up! You stabbed us in the back, stabbed me in the back!"

"I was just following your life lesson, Cyrus. You drilled it into our heads in class that loyalty and ambition don't mix. You always said that it's good to have friends, even close friends but when the cards are down, you have to be prepared to cope with stabs to the back and you also have to be ready and willing with a knife of your own at all times. The last time we spoke, you said that we were with Fitz's camp to carve Judases and protect him. That's exactly what I did and I will not apologize to anyone for it, not even God. You, Hollis, Mellie, and Verna put yourselves in prison. You're sitting in front of me in that ugly orange jumpsuit, chained to this table because of you, not me..."

"...you're a whore! You were his mistress, his dirty little whore!"

"But unlike you, I'm not a convicted felon. Unlike you, I can leave here at any time and please get off of your high horse, you hypocritical cow. You didn't have a problem at all with anything going on between Fitz and I until you realized that the position your Daddy paid your way into was in serious jeopardy. I don't understand you. You had a good man. You had one of the best men that you could ever have and all you had to do to keep him was love him for him. That's all. And do you want to know what pisses me off about you the most? You could've been anything. Even if you and Fitz had never met, you could've been someone else's First Lady and a good one. You could've been a Representative, a Senator, a Chief of Staff…hell, with the right spin, you could've even been the first female President of the United States! You could've been anything! You should've been anything! You had opportunities, privilege, and potential all your life that many women would kill for just to have for a day! You could've done anything with your life but instead, you willingly got into a political merger, lowered yourself into being into an arranged, loveless marriage and for what? This? Was it worth it, Mellie? Was it? Answer me. You asked for this visit and you never shut up on The Trail. Don't be quiet now that you're the Belle of the Ball and Chain…"

"…you fucking bitch! How dare you?!"

"I dare because you let me, just like you let me take your husband. And I take bitch as a compliment nowadays. It's a badge of honor and you were right. I was bluffing just now. I know Karen is Fitz's but the Public…a rumor can get very out of hand very quickly and if you can conspire to steal a National Election, it's not too big a leap for people to think that you would screw his blood brother since Pre-K and pass the lovechild off as his to keep him under your thumb. Yes, I slept with Fitz while he was still married. I also fell in love with him and he loves me back. If that makes me a whore, if that makes him a whore, then so be it. We'll be happy and free whores together. But, Mellie? She who lives in glass houses should not be naked on her knees…and she who lives 24/7/365 in a 12x8 concrete cell should be a good little girl and pay her debt to society quietly so that she can have a shot of having a nice future far, far away from her ex-husband and the woman who really loves him after she gets out..."

"You did this when Cyrus got out. You picked him up."

"I did."

"And you went to Verna and Hollis' funerals."

"I did."

"Why?"

"I don't like leaving things unfinished."

"You say that but your ring finger still looks pretty unfinished, don't you think?"

"Fitz doesn't want to get married again until he's absolutely sure that he'd be a good husband. I have you to thank for that. There's a diner coming up. Do you want me to stop?"

"...sure."

After 8 years behind bars, Mellie Vaughn was a shadow of the woman Olivia Pope had met on the 2007 Trail. She had lost about 15 pounds, her skin was a near ghostly pale, and there were dark circles under the woman's bloodshot blue eyes. Instead of the designer ensembles she had become known for before being arrested, she was in a pair of jeans and a large black sweatshirt that was large enough to fit her ex-husband easily, along with prison issue sandals. Her dark mahogany hair was streaked with gray, thrown into a messy ponytail and she had on a pair of white horn-rimmed glasses. All of her worldly possessions fit in 2 bags and a shoebox, a very far cry from the luxurious lifestyle she had enjoyed as a politician's wife.

The biggest difference was in the other woman's body language.

Olivia would've never associated the word 'meek' with Mellie before everything went down but today? That was the best word to describe her, other than just bone tired. Even the venom she spat was weighed down with exhaustion. Getting to the diner, they settled into a back booth and soon, Mellie was devouring a bowl of chicken noodle soup. Olivia stuck with a mug of chamomile tea, having eaten before leaving for the prison. It was a very early Saturday morning, barely past dawn so the diner was basically deserted.

Hopefully, that wouldn't change before they got back on the road.

The last thing either one wanted to deal with was the Media...

"How...how are the kids?"

"They're doing just fine. Gerry's going into his 3rd year at Davis, 1st in his class. He's right on track to be a veterinarian. He wants to open his own practice, either in Santa Barbara or in Rutland to be closer to me and Fitz. He's not sure yet. "

"He's always loved animals. Him and Karen...how...how's she doing?"

"She's a Junior, 1st in her class. Harvard already sent her some information but she wants to go to Julliard. She's deep into musical theater, pit orchestra, choreography. She either wants to join a troupe or become a conductor. She'll probably conduct. She was a drum major for marching band this season and she loved it so...we'll see."

"...and Fitz? How's he doing?"

"He's still Professor G at Georgetown. He just got tenure and he'll have a spot on the director's board once winter semester starts up."

"He's happy?"

"Yeah."

"...good...I'm glad that he's happy."

"Are you really?"

Mellie chuckled bitterly and replied, "I don't have a choice but to be happy for him. It's not like I didn't do this to myself. Sure, you helped but...I was wrong. All of us were wrong. Fitz had what it took. We didn't need Defiance. Even if he lost, after 4 years of Langston's nonsense, he would've been seen as America's salvation and swept the 2012 Race. Reston...Reston wouldn't have gotten 2 Terms or even one."

"I tried to tell you guys."

"You did...the Great Olivia Pope knows all...god, we were so fucking stupid. All we had to do was just let things be but no... well, karma's a bitch, huh? I'm an ex-con and considered to be one of the biggest traitors to democracy. You and Fitz are one of America's great love stories. Verna's dead from like 10 types of cancer. Hollis made himself into a lovely chandelier before he did a year behind bars and last I heard, Cyrus is a... goat farmer in Oklahoma?"

"Alpacas and donkeys, actually. He's really good at it."

"Well, he's always been an ass."

Olivia laughed and Mellie's smile was genuine, sad but genuine.

"Daddy says that I can come home once I get the tether off of me after the halfway house . I'm surprised that he didn't disown me. Everyone kept telling him to but he didn't. He wrote me letters, sent me pictures, and made sure that my commissary account was always full."

"That's a good thing. You shouldn't be all alone."

"I shouldn't?"

"No, you really shouldn't."

"...this would be so much easier if you'd just be a bitch to me."

"Easier, maybe but not right. Regardless of the history between us, inside and outside of Fitz, you are Gerry and Karen's mom and they still love you very much, even though they're hurt. Being a bitch to you without just provocation would hurt them and Fitz and that is the last thing that I want to do."

"He's very lucky to have you."

"He is and I'm very lucky to have him."

"At least something good came from all of this shit...do they have fried chicken here? I have been jonesing for some fried chicken."

"Yeah, you want to split some?"

"...that would be great."

[theartofbeinganerd]

In Chapter Nine of a hand to hold (take me home), Fitz finally becomes aware of a little something called UST, but still somehow manages to be his oblivious Fitzy self - what are we going to do with this boy honestly??? 

*This chapter contains vague mentions of past abuse/child abuse  

(Ao3)

-

Shifting nervously from foot to foot, Fitz took another deep breath and reminded himself that he was only there to fix her dishwasher, that was it. When it didn’t work and his nerves refused to dissipate in the slightest, he let out a defeated sigh and finally raised his fist to just knock on the door already and get it over with.

He waited for a long moment, but when the door didn’t open nor did he hear a single noise on the other side of it, his lips pulled down into a frown as he dug through his pocket for the napkin Jemma had scrawled her address on the night before. In all the months now that they’d been friends, he’d never been to Jemma’s flat, given that they always seemed to end up at Daisy and Trip’s or at a nearby restaurant instead, so he couldn’t be sure that he was even at the right place.

His fingers had just closed around the wrinkled napkin when the door swung open, and Jemma appeared, slightly out of breath but beaming regardless. Her hair was up in a casually messy bun and her face was mostly clean of makeup, but it was her clothes that caught his attention.

It was the middle of the summer, and the heat had been nearly unbearable lately, so they really shouldn’t have been noteworthy, but because they were on Jemma, her pale purple tank top and jean shorts were enough to make the hallway outside her flat feel about ten degrees hotter than it had been a moment ago.

Swallowing thickly and reminding himself that he was a gentleman for Christ’s sake, Fitz managed to ask, “Er…hey, is this a bad time?”

“Oh no, it’s fine!” Jemma hastened to assure him, stepping back and waving him inside. “I was just doing some cleaning in my closet. I have zero storage space left, and I figured that I could make some room in there by taking out what I don’t need.” Shrugging it off, she said brightly, “Kitchen’s this way.”

As she led him through her sparsely-furnished, tiny flat, Fitz noted the dozens and dozens of books covering every conceivable surface. A small, fond grin curved his lips as he realized why she had so little storage space, and that instead of downsizing her personal library, she chose to empty out her closet. It was a very Jemma-like thing to do, and he found it impossibly endearing.

“I hate having to take time out of your day,” she was saying, and she paused as they arrived in the little kitchenette, turning to face him with a worried frown, her hands hooked around the back of her neck. “But the situation was getting rather dire, and well…really, if you hadn’t offered to fix it, I likely would’ve stopped using dishware altogether.”

With a chuckle, Fitz set his toolbox (which his father had always made a big deal about, often wondering aloud and quite rudely why a cop would need such a thing) down and knelt in front of the dishwasher. “I guess I got here just in time then.”

“I guess that you did.” He glanced at her briefly over his shoulder to find that she’d taken a seat at her kitchen table and had her legs pulled up on the chair, arms wrapped loosely around them. It was a somewhat familiar position, one that he’d seen her take several times while they were lounging on the floor of Trip and Daisy’s living room watching movies or eating dinner, and he’d always found in entirely adorable (in a friendly way, of course).

Not long after he’d gotten to work, Jemma questioned hesitantly, a clear tinge of concern in her voice, “Do I dare ask how the case is going?”

With his back turned to her as it was, Fitz felt safe giving into his grimace at the question. As it was more often than not, the case was the very last thing he wanted to think about, let alone talk about. But, it was Jemma asking, and he knew of all people she wouldn’t press him for details, since she already knew most of them anyway. “Probably best not to,” he replied with a tired sigh, giving a little shake of his head. “Not much to tell.”

Jemma released a sigh of her own, and even without looking at her, Fitz could clearly picture the way her shoulders would be drooping just then, even as her brows were drawing together angrily over her narrowed eyes. “I just…I can’t believe that someone so twisted and…and disgusting is still walking our streets, hurting our neighbors. I wish there was more that we could do – I feel so helpless, all the time…” She let out a short, humorless laugh as she added, “But I don’t think I need to tell you how that feels.”

“No, I’d say not,” Fitz agreed dryly. “I’m quite familiar with the feeling by now.”

“Well, I have no doubt that with all the hard work and effort you’re all putting into it, you’ll find whoever it is and stop them, hopefully soon.”

Thinking to himself that Jemma was much more confident in his abilities than he was, Fitz’s lips twisted into a self-deprecating frown even as he agreed lowly, “Yeah, soon.”

Silence descended between them for a long moment then, only broken by the sound of his tools clanking as he reached into his toolbox to return one or grab another. However, then Jemma spoke up once more, asking curiously, “How did you get so good with machines, Fitz?”

For a beat, he didn’t reply, allowing the silence to fall between them for another lengthy moment, though it certainly was no longer the easy silence that it had been.

Finally, he inhaled a slightly shaky breath, briefly closing his eyes, taking a beat to gather himself. Then, trying his best to keep his tone even and casual, he answered, “Well, I’ve always had a knack for it, really. For a bit, I thought I’d go to school for engineering, but…” As he trailed off, Fitz took another moment to prepare himself for opening old wounds, but now seemed as good a time as any to get into it, so he went on, “My dad had other plans for me though, insisting that I join the police force instead. He was always like that, controlling my life, making my decisions for me…wasn’t even in my life much, but it still belonged to him I suppose.”

Jemma was quiet at first, and Fitz knew that she was soaking in the new information and likely thinking back on the few times he’d mentioned his father. “That’s why you weren’t happy to see him when you went home last week, isn’t it?” she guessed, her voice soft and understanding in the way only she could be.

“Yeah, that’s why,” he confirmed with a heavy sigh, gritting his teeth as the age-old resentment began to resurface a bit, despite his resolution not to let his father rule his life any longer. “He always wanted me to be more, to fit this…this image of the perfect son that he had in his head, but I never seemed to measure up. I was never enough in his eyes, and the choices I made were never the right ones, so…goodbye to my dreams of engineering and hello police academy.” He gave a fierce roll of his eyes, unable to help himself as he added in a bitter mutter, “At least machines wouldn’t have tried to shoot me in the bloody head.”

Almost immediately, he heard her suck in a sharp breath, and it hit him all at once what he’d just said, the fog of resentment clearing as he winced sharply. Acknowledging how unintentionally callous his words had been, Fitz pulled his head out of the dishwasher to glance over at her and felt a surge of incredible guilt at the horror on her face.

“God Jemma, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean –”

“It’s alright,” Jemma cut in to assure him, even though her voice was rather faint as she shook her head. Fitz, however, could tell that it wasn’t alright. After all, he knew her quite well now, and even if he didn’t, the tight clench of her fingers where they were wrapped around her ankles would’ve been a dead giveaway.

The very last thing that he wanted to do was push her into talking about something that clearly upset her, though, so he simply accepted her response and let it go. He spared her one last concerned glance, then went back to working on the dishwasher.

After that, it was pretty quiet between them, and Fitz couldn’t help but be upset with himself – it was all because of him and his big dumb mouth. Giving a small shake of his head, he thought dryly to himself that this was one of the biggest reasons he had against asking Jemma out (other than the fact that she was his friend and that was it); he was sure to muck it all up within moments, and though he really hadn’t known her that long in the grand scheme of things, he’d known for some time now that he just couldn’t lose her in his life.

It wasn’t much longer before he’d finished up, standing from his place on the floor and stretching a bit. “All set,” he informed her, shutting the door and even pressing the ‘rinse’ button to prove it to her.

Jemma gasped in delight, and he glanced over in time to see her jumping up from her seat at the table and clasping her hands. Her eyes were shining as though he’d just presented her with the damn moon, not simply fixed her dishwasher (for the record, he would give her the moon if she asked him to – and if it was physically possible), and it just reminded him of one of the things that he loved most about Jemma. Though she could be stern and distant and practical when the situation called for it, the simplest things seemed to bring her the most joy, making no gesture seem too small.

“Oh Fitz! Thank you so much!” As soon as the words had left her mouth, though, it inexplicably pulled down into a frown. Her hands dropped dejectedly to her sides, and he was about to ask what was wrong when her lips curled into a self-deprecating smile as she sighed, “I’d offer to make you something for lunch, but I’m an atrocious cook.”

Fitz was briefly surprised by the admission, since it was something he hadn’t known and had never thought to ask her about, and he focused on collecting the last of his tools to return to his toolbox as he thought the situation over a moment.

When he was finished, he rubbed uncomfortably at the back of his neck and didn’t quite meet her eyes as he offered awkwardly, “I could um…try my hand at lunch.” Pausing for a moment, he admitted with a shrug, “My mum fancies herself a chef, and spent pretty much my entire life teaching me how to make practically gourmet meals.”

After he’d finished speaking, Fitz dared to take a peek at her expression and he saw the brief flicker of what he thought was temptation cross her face, but then she replied quickly and firmly, “Absolutely not. You’ve just saved my poor pruning hands – I refuse to benefit from another of your secret skills today. Besides, I have to give you something in return.”

Almost immediately, a tense silence seemed to fall between them, and Fitz was entirely conscious of the fact that he was staring at her but he just couldn’t seem to look away. Strangely though, it appeared, as though Jemma couldn’t quite manage to drop her gaze either.

His brain was in overdrive, thinking over all sorts of somethings that Jemma could give him in return for fixing her dishwasher, and the images were enough to make a blush burn hotly across his skin (though he was pretty sure that the heated blush had nothing to do with the way he was suddenly quite warm under the collar). Even as he mentally scolded himself for forgetting about being a gentleman and that he’d promised himself he’d stop thinking about Jemma like that, he just couldn’t seem to get the idea out of his head.

Much to his disbelief, there appeared to be some kind of heat behind Jemma’s gaze like he was sure there was in his own – but the idea was so preposterous he knew that it was probably just wishful thinking on his part. What else could it have possibly been, really?

And sure enough, it was a brief moment later that Jemma broke the tension, whirling away from him and hurrying toward the counter, her hands almost flailing about as she listed at a rapid-fire pace that he’d only heard her use when she was nervous, “Well let’s see, I have some frozen pizza that’s been in my freezer since the week I moved into my flat, and I don’t want to poison you so that’s probably out. I might have enough ingredients for sandwiches, which are about all I can manage, I’m afraid. Though there’s always the option to get takeaway, which of course will be my treat. Or –”

Afraid of how long she’d ramble on if he didn’t stop her, Fitz hastily cut in, “Sandwiches are fine, thanks. But I’m not just gonna bloody sit and watch you make lunch, so you’ll have to at least let me help.”

Jemma’s shoulders almost appeared to tense for a moment, and Fitz felt a sudden flash of fear that she didn’t want to spend any more time with him than was necessary, and that she was desperate to get him out of her flat and was only offering him lunch to be nice. However, they quickly relaxed, and she shot him an easy smile over her shoulder. “Oh alright, I suppose I can allow that.”

And so, Fitz joined her at the counter, and they worked together to fix lunch. It was entirely effortless, with them never once bumping into each other or needing to finish their requests for ingredients, all while never losing the thread of their conversation.

He tried not to, but Fitz couldn’t help but think about how absolutely perfect the easy domesticity was between them, even though they’d never done anything of the sort together. It was that, right there, with them, that he couldn’t seem to stop himself from so desperately wanting.

But, they were friends, and friends could get along just as effortlessly as he and Jemma did and it didn’t have to mean anything, no matter what his traitorous brain seemed to think.

Lunch went just as well, conversation flowing as naturally as ever with laughter frequently filling the tiny flat, and Fitz ruminated on how…nice it always was to spend time with just Jemma. No matter how much he liked Daisy and Trip, there was just something about the times when he and Jemma could focus solely on each other, and of course, he didn’t have to worry about Daisy sharing some embarrassing story about him (of which there were plenty).

When it soon came time for him to leave, Fitz was loathe to do so, as being with Jemma was how he would prefer to while away the rest of the day, and most likely every day for the rest of his life as well. However, he wanted to see if he could get a nap in before his shift later that night, since he still hadn’t been getting near enough sleep lately, most of the time barely managing enough to function.

So, he grabbed his toolbox and made a move in the direction of the door, but Jemma hastily jumped up from her seat to show him out, even though the flat wasn’t that big (he’d be the last to complain about spending just a few more seconds with her, though). After he’d opened the door and stepped into the doorway, he turned back to face Jemma, prepared to thank her for lunch. However, the words froze on his tongue when he found her far closer than he’d expected, her gaze once more locked with his.

Even though no words passed between them, Fitz could feel that same tension from earlier hanging in the air, though incredibly, it seemed to be even heavier this time around, making it hard for him to get a full breath into his lungs.

He just barely heard what sounded like her taking a sharp intake of air, and holy Jesus Christ on a cracker she appeared to be leaning in toward him.

Fitz wanted to lean in too, wanted to take her against him and kiss the lips that haunted his dreams and finally find out what she sounded like moaning in pleasure against his mouth as he deepened the kiss – but a great wave of terror washed over him, gluing him to his spot. He was terrified that he was simply imagining things and would ruin their friendship by kissing her, terrified that he wasn’t and would still somehow find a way to ruin what they had, and just plain terrified.

So, forcing his limbs to unfreeze, he told her in a rushed tone, “Thanks for lunch, and just let me know if anything ever needs fixing. See you later, Jemma.” And with that, he bolted, not even giving her a chance to respond.

As soon as he was out of the hallway, down the two flights of stairs, and out the door of the building, Fitz stopped on the sidewalk, sucking in a deep breath. It was only then that he let out a groan, closing his eyes and dropping his head back as he muttered to himself, “You utter wanker. You pathetic fool. God, you’re never gonna get another chance like that with her.” Dropping his head back down and shaking it, he gave a long sigh. “No wonder Daisy makes fun of me all the time. I’m a right moron.”