#been doing a lot of venting lately lol
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80 or so years of life really ain't enough can I have an elf lifespan instead please? Or at least a dwarf's... I need at least a couple hundred years... Oh and a new spine every 5 or so years, if that's not too much to ask. 3. 3 years actually. Yeah, a new spine every 2 years, and a lifespan of 350-750 years, that's all I want really.
#SORRY this is such a random thing to be posting about and I guess it's a vent post haha#I suppose I've just been feeling a lot of... dread and fear lately... especially in the late hours...#''Lately'' as in on and off for most of my life but *a lot* as of the past few months#Like#Oh it's weirdly embarrassing to talk about this here it's a tad personal uh **tw (discussions of) death#But do you ever just feel paralyzed by the knowledge that one day you'll be 40? Or 60? Or 80? If you're lucky!#I worry a lot about wasting my life#I worry a lot about dying an unpleasant death#Or a painful one#I suppose I've always been gerascophobic...#But finishing school and turning 23 and not having a job and having just a hard time with my physical health lately...#I haven't been great I guess#I just feel like time has been moving so quickly lately!!!#And I've been going nowhere.#:0 not to be too much of a bummer y'all I'm not like feeling horrible rn or anything but I do need to vent I think#Cause if not it just stays coiled up inside of me.#*gah* I should channel all of this energy into Glenn in my pirate fic lol#😌 he's insecure (in part) cause he feels old#🥲 ough and I don't feel amazing about that most recent chapter but I guess that's a whole new vent#working on some different stuff for a bit.#ANYWAYS#I hope whoever happens to be reading this is having a good night ✨️#oh or day if it's day for you lol
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#. having some struggles with art lately#like I'm struggling with Making The Art y'know??#it's not art block because i HAVE the ideas and the desire to draw but i just. can't#i don't know if it's stress or my bones shifting weird or just being tired or what but Something is keeping me from drawing what i want#when i do draw something it doesn't turn out looking good and other times i can't force myself to draw at all#which really sucks because I'm on a time limit for a lot of art!#I've been trying to work on Artfight for ages‚ a zine I've been waiting MONTHS for applications to open‚ making stickers for my DnD group!#all of those have very specific time limits and i just! can't! get! myself! to! draw!!!!!!#i might delete this later i just needed. some way to vent it out#this didn't turn out how i wanted either but that's sorta the point lol#idk. just feeling really stressed out about it i guess#vent#vent art#three eyed cats in my living room
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the theories in my drafts 👁️👁️
the theories i haven’t read 👁️👁️
me the past few weeks😴
me now 🔥🔥
#self spaghettificationn#we’re so back <33 (for now)#me when i hyperfixate on the show and am unable to do anything else (so i have been trying to do it not as much lately yk) (but i think it’#at least healthier than the depression i’ve been in lately lmfao#op lore#i was also lowkey recovering from rejection via a parasocial relationship/microfixation i had#before i realized i should be enjoying this for myself not for how other people perceive my content <33#and there are a lot of other cool people who do love and perceive my content in a positive light#so i really shouldn’t let small letdowns get to me even though i often do lol#and i always was lively around friends and felt like doing stuff for myself with them but felt so sad and empty when they left#but i think i just need to start giving MYSELF the time of day TOO!#even if that is a weird time of day. because it’s still A time!! and it’s what works for me <33#so yeah. heres a vent slash motivation depending how you take it#chances are if you’re reading this you’re a cool person too
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Lose myself to you (Patreon)
#Doodles#SCII#ZEX#The Captain#Vent?? Maybe??#I've been having something of a rough time of it lately so I actually broke and made myself some SCII hurt/comfort for a change of pace#I almost never make hurt/comfort - more of a whump creator haha ♪ - but yeah I needed it#It ended up just being a short little 1.6k jaunt but I did do it all in one sitting and got some needed emotions out so thank you these two#I think it's also my first vent fic :0 So that's interesting!#As well as the first one that I inserted images into! I've been wanting to for a while but I never have! I know how to now! :D#Constantly thinking about how oddly on equal footing these two are despite being so different#It makes the way they differ so interesting!#They're both important figures in their respective military forces and yet the Captain is so young!#Not only a lack of experience leading to the blows hitting him harder proportionally but also just - that's just how teenage human brains do#(If the Captain is still a teen - it's gotten very stuck to me that he hasn't quite turned 20 yet haha)#But again again even still he's a very young and new adult - there's a lot of chemistry going on in his brain that makes the job hard#And so having ZEX as a partner and a mentor - it creates a weird dynamic! It's interesting to me#ZEX /is/ definitely weird towards the Captain haha but past a certain point he really does only have so much power over him#And I just like it better when he guides him over trying to control him <3 Usually anyway lol - in this instance for sure#Their weird dynamic being a source of comfort and escape ♥ Of ZEX being gentle with him while still working to his own ends haha#ZEX is such an interesting character; he's hard to classify and I like that about him very much
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currently sick i forgot to add this to the last ask but your art, to me, is indicative of the beauty you seenin the world and i think it sso fucking amazing how much you see and appreciate. your brain is gigantic and wrinkled like a pug. u are amazing
advbsghf like a pug 😭 thank u this is so nice. i dont always respond to nice asks bc Im not sure what to say so i just keep them like letters lol but i get very romantic about a lot of stuff (especially when my mental health is being normal) and I'm rly glad that comes across in my art
#i do read and appreciate all the asks i get i love them a lot#the stuff ppl send me is genuienly very meaningful to me i just don't know how to respond to it#im not great at forming thoughts and feelings into words lol I'm like this irl too#and i dont want to reply to a very heartfelt ask with just 'thank you' or something like that#ive been doing better with new meds i got and its rly relieving to be able to be romantic about stuff#when i get depressed its hard to do that bc everything is warped and i get this idea that the world and everyone is evil#ive found myself drawing a lot of the more cutesy positive art when i had depressive periods#for the last few years. bc before i would often do the spookier kind of art when feeling that way#as a sort of venting of those emotions#(not that i only make that art when depressed btw. it just obv draws from negative emotions)#but more lately its kind of flipped. where id draw this romantic art while depressed as a sort of escapism#and would only draw the spookier more negative art when in a good mental place where I could engage w those emotions in a fun way#if that makes sense#kinda like how sometimes you need to listen to sad music when you're sad but sometimes you need distraction#and how you might only want to watch a really heavy movie if youre in a good headspace
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one of those days where everything sucks and I just wish bob was here
#this sounds like i was about to sing limp bizkit#i just really dunno what to do with my life it all feels so futile but if he was here none of that would matter 🧍♀️#i could be happy doing anything for a living if i just got to hang out with him at the end of the day#sorry for vent posting ive just been going through it lately. i blame it on my contract ending/big life change#and the fact that bob is fictional :/ but thats a constant issue lol#ALSO i have lots of art and fics of ur guys' in my drafts to rb i just wanna be able to have good energy in the tags !! 🩵#vent tw#caitiechat
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cant sleep because im seething with anger
#been laying here for like 40 minutes fantasizing about finally snapping and telling my mom everything i really think and feel#if i ever came out to her she would end up cutting me off like she did to my aunts and uncles and cousins#basically im alone and my parents and siblings are the only family i can be in contact with right now and its isolating#off topic but yeah#i miss having a big family and people besides my parents that i could rely on. people i felt like i could actually breathe around#idk. whatever#why do i feel responsible for her actions all the time. its been my job to keep her stable and listen to her vent for years#but i never say anything about my own feelings. because she would make me feel stupid and ridicule me. lol#all she does is make me feel like shit most of the time. shes always in a bad mood and shes always whining and always pessimistic#and yeah i get along with her for the most part but lately her attitude has been weighing on me a lot. i cant criticize or disagree with her#because she'll just get mad. shes always been an angry person. thats why i hardly spoke to her from ages 10-15#maybe i jsut wanted to give her another chance. maybe i felt sympathy for her. shes had it rough her whole life#but when shes still bitter no matter how many times i comfort her and let her vent and cry to me and when she chooses her husband over me#every single time he fucks up (which is like. constantly) and always takes his side when they inevitably make up after a huge fight#it feels like i'll never be able to make her happy. it feels like i should stop trying. if she wants to be full of hatred#and have a shitty husband then fine. i cant fix her like and i cant hold the weight of her mistakes#*life
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ive been genuinely distressed about how bad my adhd has been this past month
#why did it take me 3 hours to make breakfast today. thats so embarrassing#i haev class in less than an hour and its killing me im so frustrated. thats 2 hours where i cant do anything#i am on the verge of just breaking down about it tbh because it never feels like i have enough time or energy#and it bothers me how much stimulation my brain needs constantly to the point where i cannot step away from socials cause my brain 'itches'#and when i do step away from socials my attention is so scattered that i forget what im doing#or it feels like there's zero cohesion to the step by step actions i need to take to finish a task#i hate adhd more than anything!! more than my trauma!! more than my physical issues!!#i normally leave these types of vents on my locked twitter but im feeling the tumblr tag complaints format lately lol#im just. so mad about how a lot of thinigs ive wanted to do in my life have been so so delayed because of my scattering interests -#-or that I really only have 4 hours in my day not occupied by me getting heavily distracted by something#fucking. oc projects from since i was 16 not coming into fruition ever. that is so . frustrating.
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August… time to get spooky.
#dadbots.txt#this has been in my draft for... almost a month. Yikes.#I’ve been dissociating hella hard these past months or something. swear I don’t remember time moving this fast. maybe it’s just me tbh.#idk what to say about July other than… boring? not much happened and I don’t really remember it if I’m honest. just. mm. shrugs.#best way to describe it LOL#been sleeping a LOT lately and I think it’s fatigue again. was it like anything before? no. not at that rate (yet) but just.#where you wanna sleep and sleep and sleep type of fatigue. you never feel rested and just gotta sleep it off kinda.#just one of those moments yknow.#it sucks. all I’m doing is letting the days pass me by and ‘missing out’ on living life when I could be enjoying it. but I lost interest -#- in doing so for months - years now due to personal health matters. And whaddya know - it came back again. after months of healing.#I'm pretty pissed as it does feel like a slap in the face. but you win some - you lose some. Gonna try and fight through it.#I wrote something at the beginning of august but that got deleted. Had a breakdown and thought huh. what a great way to start the month -#and now it's almost september. Just like that. What a month it's been. Stuck on what else to say but that really.#don't want to keep talking about depressing stuff as that's what i used to do and realized hey. maybe you should stop doing that so often#and not use it so casually in humor and/or stuff. Even though I reblog vents here n' all. but yknow.#maybe it is hypocritical. but that's not the point. Just want to reflect and see if i've changed since coming back to the web after a year.#not like it's going bad. just wished this year was a bit more optimistic. Last year was rough & i'm afraid this year will be another repeat#though I did come out to a family member this month and that was like a punch to the gut. Considering my status with them and all.#won't get into that. for now let's just say i'm not too close with them. An impulsive choice on my end but hey. it went well.#and that's what matters tbh. My younger self would've thought i was actually insane. like to even DO that? really?#shocking. I'm still not over that moment. Probably one of my biggest achievements this year.#I'll update this if anything else comes to mind. none of this make sense and that's ok. clearing my mind right now.#let's see what september has in store for me. Hopefully it'll get better as things slow down w/ winter on its way.#hope y'all enjoyed your summer. 🖤🤘🏽
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#VENT IN TAGS#OH i love doing this#my feelings about my depression atm feel so weeird#im just mad#like its so annoying to have to keep picking myself back up lol#i wish i could just function and regulate myself better? im really bad at it#its like#i can do all this shit that helps me get out of all of the different this affect me#but its so easy for me to get lost in the depression and to not do that#like i forget that when im like literally just confused with my emotions and in a fog and i dont want to do things im interested in#and not able to fight this boredom i call it ive been out of therapy a long time idk therapy speak anymore but this lack of socal wtv#thing idk ANYWAYS but i KNOW things i can do to help myself to get out of that#i havent been lately and idk#im in a moment of clarity but trying to get back into#a routine since moving out i havent had one or the one ive had is like not good for me leading me to a bad state of self#i need to get back on vitamins and shit i might take gaba and htp 5 again and i know im deficient in like vitamin#b12 and vitamin d and magnesium but since i moved i havent reupped my supply lmao and its been over a year!! RIP i did this but#i dont have a great social life? i have strong family and a loving bf and close friend but a lot of its complicated and i struggle#communicating online (LOL THIS SUCKS NO? I CAN WORK ON IT IG BUT LIKEAAAA--) and i basically only wanna talk to people IRL but im home#constantly so i just have no one to talk to but im like a fucking old person annoyed that they live in a digital world#like I HATE THIS GRR THESE KIDS and the these kids are my parents and friends and shit like its completely a me issue but my brain is like#my brain feels useless s#my brain feels useless and like im unmedicated but also not on the suppliments i should be on and also doing things like#being up to date on news and specifically negative news and like focusing a lot of my energy on that for some gd reason like im aware ive#been into that but i am like#this is me being like ok rose im ready to go back to myself again#ye
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🌻“Promise?”🌻
#to be honest I’ve not been feeling great lately#up and down a lot#I’m content for now though#this originally was a vent drawing but like#turned into something warmer and nicer to look at#paused on working on it in favor of doing my recent animatic#I actually finished this yesterday but uh. didn’t post for some reason??#I’m managing y’all ✌️😁#luckily I’m going back into treatment for some mental issues I’ve been having lately#my mom made me an appointment to see a specialist#I might also be going back into therapy!!#I was in it for a couple months last year but had to quit due to a conflict of interest#/not neg#the story is really fucking funny actually#my old therapist was alright#nothing too special to be honest#nothing bad with him but eh. I’m sure there’s better ones out there lol#but yeah. I’ll be okay. I promise.#my sona#sona#ocs#original characters#The Kiwi Draws
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Body Ache
#thats the post#i miss tumblr( i mean i miss how i used to be obsessed with tumblr and how much it meant for me back then)still means a lot tho but it just#was different back then#ive been doing ok just trying to exist and do smth procrastination been killing me tho#been suffering from readers block for months by now i read some pages of kafkas letter to father should probably continue#i have pride and prejudic for my fiction class i am still stuck in 9 th chap- being a slow resder is really heart breaking plus i am in#a readers block now#i like that feminist writing course i Love tbh#my exams are coming in like a week and idk how i will handle it#my mums been torturing me lately#always recently I am very anxious thinking about what the future holds idk tho i am trying to be in the present but idk it all could get#worse at any time i do not want it to tho i also have been reading lots of fanfitions lately#my guilty pleasure is i use c ai#that's it ig#vent#personal#tw vent#tw personal#sorry i forgot i also been writing diary for lile 2 days lol
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everything sucks so bad rn bro
#my best friend is leaving the country for 3 weeks so i’m about to be lonely af#one of my clients’ moms is mad at me bc i’ve been late to work recently (because my mental health is shit)#and my dad is also mad at me for a bullshit reason#my favorite client will be in egypt for all of june so i will be making less money & i’ll miss her & her mom a lot#i’m so behind on my data at work & i’m gonna have to do it all tomorrow or thursday#the only social interaction i ever have is with the same 4 people & it gets lonely#life is bland & sad as fuck without a crush to obsess over#(i’m still not over the previous one but their communication skills are so shit that i’m forcing myself to move on)#i’m gonna have to move out of my apartment where i’ve lived for the past 3 years soon & live w my dad for a few months#i’m just so over it bro#it’d be pretty cool if something in my life could go right for once. pretty please i am asking nicely#i’m trying to lock in at work & break the bad habits i’ve been falling into recently#aside from that i’m just gonna try & go to a ton of concerts this month to distract from how sad & lonely i am lol#vent
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i am averaging a bottle of wine a day lately. not really sure what that means. i don't know if therapy is helping. i think i'm aware of my problems; i find myself almost pretending to have moments of revelation to make my therapist feel as though we are making progress. i do not feel as though we are making progress.
taking my medication feels like a herculean effort lately. it gives me acid reflux. i feel like i can feel the medicine getting stuck in my chest and sliding up my veins the wrong way to poison my brain and turn off every good thing in the process of missing the bad ones.
high in the waiting room. staring twitching at a doctor saying, yes, i took some tylenol. pain with no gain - literally. i had to uber home. i have never felt so small. i have never felt so childish. i am fumbling my way blind through each day and i feel as though someone is supposed to be holding my hand. there is nothing but empty air no matter which direction i reach.
i am fine being by myself. if anything i am used to it. but at the same time i am screaming for someone to tap me on my wrist and tell me, best get to bed, love, you've got work tomorrow. here, let me fill up your water. let me get the lights. are you comfortable?
i am clinging to my carefully put together day to day by a thread. i am behind on work. my thoughts feel like they are fighting to swim through mud. my head is a bog where things go to decay. the only things there are rotting and dead.
#personal#venting#stupid lol#im being stupid#it's just a lot#it's late and i'm tired and i'm tired every day and i don't think my meds are working#and i kind of want to scream#and also lowkey to relapse!!!#not lowkey highkey tbh!!!!!!!!!#ignore me#it's been a bad week and i do not know how to react appropriately to anything
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Ranking Pepper’s hammocks A-F now that he’s made five of them
First - B - Not a bad start! But why did he put it on top of the pre-built nest. It is literally right there. Overall, good protection and well reinforced just... You didn’t have to make a new one, Pepper
Second - C - No reinforcement, no safety net, out in the middle of the top of the enclosure, extremely visible and see-through, which is great for me because I can see him napping - very cute, but Pepper, your safety and security!
Third - A - The molt hammock! Thick webbing, obscured under moss, easy to overlook and well protected! But he stayed in there for a literal week and scared me >:0
Fourth - D - Made a tiny, very sparse hammock in the cattails for one night and has since abandoned it. Why even bother at that point? He still fit in the first two hammocks!
Fifth - A - The best napping hammock so far! In the opposite corner from the pre-built so not directly on top of an easier solution, closer to the light source in the evening, decently thick and secure, and in a corner so he’s not just hanging out in the direct middle of the enclosure - protected on two sides! Bonus points for having caught a little video of him doing the booty dance construction :)
#Spider#And another not-Weekly TV Guide lol#'Nother week of no doodles soz lol#I actually managed to used my tablet! Success!#Unfortunately it was not a sketch day and that was all I wanted to do so I got frustrated and stopped :')#I'm still crafting for the most part over drawing as well!#I'm not sure what's up :0 I guess I'm perfectly in the middle of Happy so no need to vent but not So over-excited that I'll explode#Not through drawing anyway - I Did sit down to write some more Delusions and doubled my wordcount so uhhh lol#Not overall just for the scene I was working on but still! A good clip!#Hoping to have its first draft done by the end of next month :3 Feeling good about it! :D#Plenty of things being worked on! Lots in the holster! Just not as much Finished#Offline days are usually good for doodles but I'm not gonna force anything haha#I know where to look for inspiration <3#Just taking things slow and comfy for the most part :)#I've been really distractable lately still lol#Oh but I did get one thing handled :D New glasses! No longer looking through a massive web of scratches!#And they're made with my favourite frame material which I haven't been able to find in-person in stores And they were less expensive as well#I'm very pleased with them they're so much lighter and clearer than my last pair ♪#Good things! Feeling good! :D
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i feel like i really have to focus on my game if i want to have something to show for myself (especially because i’ve been talking abt it for Years), but i get so frustrated… and i try to alleviate that by drawing/doodling, or playing with other characters and stories (my ot/bravely guys, or twps/osea) but i just feel really guilty over it. ugh
#and like with dsa stuff i want to enjoy workin on that but it has been stressing me out lately. i have no idea why. it’s not like i have#that much to do . and i’m getting a lot of help with it. so idk what my damage is. ughhhhhhhh.#even when i play video games and shit i feel super guilty. like why am i not working on my game.#i think a lot of this boils down to [redacted lol] saying all that shit about “oohh people keep calling themselves gamedevs but they’ve#never finished a game blah blah i hate those guys like come on blah“ and like it makes me feel like shit right. even though technically i#HAVE finished a game and technically i shouldn’t be taking their bs because they literally dev in rpgmaker lmfao (and blah blah i get it#all engines are useful and all devs are valid no matter what engine they use“ but like come on. you’re going to tell me what a real dev is#and you use rmmv? ok. anyway.#but it still does make me feel really bad. i have fears of never finishing my game. i have fears about just not having the chops for it.#idk. idk what my deal is. i used to not be this way. sorry for venting in tumblr tags holy shit LMFAO i did not realize.#welllll. ok. time for the rkrk post tag or whatever#rkrkposting
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