#been going through a rough time recently
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*Getting back into an old fandom and getting inspired to draw fanart fills you with determination
Happy 8th anniversary to this amazing game!!
#undertale#undertale anniversary#ut#frisk#frisk undertale#ut frisk#undertale frisk#been going through a rough time recently#and this game and this fandom has been one of the things keeping me afloat#for that im so thankful#tbh im even deeper in this rabbit hole of a fandom than i was when i first got into it#so maybe more art hopefully???#fanart#myart
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Yesterday I saw an ADHD specialist for the first time in my life. Within minutes of talking she told me I have absolutely typical ADHD problems and that it's a shame I wasn't here 10 years ago, but it's good that I'm here now.
It's uh. Weird. Knowing that the insurmountable issues I've dealt with my entire life were very treatable this whole time. So many things I failed at and paths that are permanently blocked to me now. And even though the specialist was fully certain and assured me that she sees many cases just like mine and that medication helps people a lot and she really wanted me to know that she sees a good prognosis for me, I now have this terrible fear that she was actually wrong and this hope will be taken away from me and my issues are actually just something there's no solution for.
If all goes as expected I'll have the diagnosis in mid-August and start medication then. It seems unbearably long to wait. Idk how to deal with this.
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guys I just survived a ladder that wanted to kill me. cheers
#context- I work odd jobs in film production a lot. I recently picked up a new part timer filming high school football games#this particular one was an hour and a half away so needless to say I was already mentally preparing for a LOT#and I got there and the spot where they wanted me was on the ROOF of the press box. which I knew beforehand#what I did NOT know beforehand was that the only way up or down was a ladder that pops down from said roof#which would’ve been okay but I was carrying three equipment bags like a pack mule#so I climb the ladder and even that was fine until the top step#I faceplant straight onto the roof because there is a barrier that’s like a foot long between the ladder step and the roof floor#so. rough start. but the view is great and once I’m up there it’s kinda fun#until. UNTIL. I wanted to go pee because again. hour and a half drive to get there.#said barrier made it so you have to climb down to get to the ladder step and railing and I pissed around playing chicken with that thing for#for an HOUR playing chicken because I could not fucking handle it#so I get through the first half okay but decide that I’m booking it to the bathroom the second halftime starts#and I forced my fat arse over the ledge and I figured out a grip on the trapdoor thing that helped keep me from falling#and I felt like I’d just made a person break cause like. I genuinely was not sure how the fuck I’d make it down for a bit#after that? might’ve been the high of Doing The Scary Thing but the rest of the time I had fun#I got a nice coach in the press box to help grab my bags as I handed them to him so I could climb down to leave#drove an hour in pitch darkness on country roads to my boss’s house to drop off the footage then 20 minutes home and now#and now I think I could sleep forever and ever but I fuckin did the thing
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🎤 🎤 🎤
a song that i associate with my muse meme!
AHH, hey, ramone!! thank you for sending in this prompt :D since you sent in three of the mic's, i shall now be treating you to three songs that make me think of blamore when i hear them / that i associate with it. an explanation of why i chose them will be in the tags <3
hozier - who we are.
youtube
icehouse - crazy.
youtube
depeche mode - personal jesus.
youtube
#IT WAS PROBABLY NOTHING BUT IT FELT LIKE THE WORLD: musings.#asks - answered.#ooc post.#okay but ESPECIALLY heavy on the last one because it literally all about the idea of someone that people can turn to in hard times-#like a god or a prophet who will listen to your plights and help you + who you should believe in. and i say this because one major theme-#to blamore's character is the concept of being a false prophet and someone who essentially unfortunately takes advantage of people's-#longing for things to get better in gotham. bc i feel like a lot of people there have either been failed by the system by other's or-#possibly both and this is so that blamore can get people to voluntarily want to consume the 'seeds' it distributes in order to uhh...#well purge gotham of its undesirables basically as terrible as that sounds. but yeah that depeche mode song? it's such a good one for-#him and definitely has helped me before to write things related to him since blamore does sometimes believe in its own hubris.#but as for the second one by icehouse that one i associate with it because although it doesn't exactly consider itself to fully identify-#with the label of being a 'man' i feel as if blamore will still talk about itself that way sometimes. its relationship with its gender-#is honestly a little bit complicated NGL because him using it/its pronouns as well is something blamore adopted recently even-#though he'd always sort of felt like disconnected and/or like it didn't really align with how he saw himself completely. BUT yeahhh#i honestly could start a whole discussion about that but i shall do that another time perhaps ahah. anyhow though besides that-#elephant in the room ever since it has transformed into this half-human half-plant monster being... although it does love any partners-#it has very much (trust me) i feel like it does wonder why they chose to be with him more often than he'd like to admit.#so that's where the whole 'crazy' part comes in and as for the hozier song that song is about how you kind of have to carve through-#this 'darkness' to rediscover ourselves and who we want to be as a result of going through a rough time or just something tough in-#general and that is SO freaking fitting in my opinion for blamore because it definitely had to completely reframe the way it thought-#about itself when it transformed. and he also had to figure out what he believed in / what his values were now which can be suchhh-#a messy process TBH but this isn't the first time that blamore's had to rediscover itself as life is honestly kind of this ongoing-#process of losing yourself and trying to find yourself again you know? but yeah. i hope you enjoyed my explanation here tehe <3#and also that you enjoy the tunes!!
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When you’re post-divorce, broke, and putting yourself back on the market before anyone’s told you that’s not an option anymore.
Idea from @currymuttonpizza referenced from this picture of Webern
#hetalia#hws austria#trying to give Rod cheesy 80s dating video vibes#‘I’m not afraid to let loose and be vulnerable if you’re not afraid to refinance my economy’#’oh yes I have been going through a rough time recently and looking for a stable shoulder to cry on - no I am not afraid to cry’#’and no I am not afraid to try out this romance thing - after all it’s happy spouse happy house’#‘I am once again asking for your financial support’#🎶are you looking for me-e-he!🎶
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"It's hard for me to know where circumstances end and depression begins. It is true that I've been going through an objectively hard time...but it's also true that I've been through harder times...without feeling this much despair. But when I'm in a state of depression, which I have been for quite a while, it's really hard for me to analyze what is and is not really real because everything great feels illusory and everything terrible feels utterly true."--John Green
#in which John Green explains everything about the past 9 months of my life#I'm sorry he's going through such a rough time#but he has the words to explain the mess I've been going through#John Green#from his most recent video#vlogbrothers#depression#cw: depression#tw: depression
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ANYWHO goodnight tumblr i'll be back on the art grind tomorrow i think 🙏
#haunted ecosystem#i'll take a burst of creativity in a different form than usual than the burnout slump i've been in for a few months#<- part of why my fandom stuff has taken a smidge of a backseat#dont get me wrong i am still very excited about my fandoms im just having fun off in oc hell (affectionate)#its nice to just be able to create and not really worry about perception. and also i feel Less bad about just throwing ocs into the wringer#((blame the fact i've been REALLY interested in whump recently and i have been. fixated. on one of my characters.))#and ALSO i've been! rekindling my flame for wtds. i've been putting off thinking about it since that fic got.#nothing bad happened? but it was still very devastating that somebody who i considered a friend from that fic just. evaporated.#but i'm gonna finish that fic for him :) even if it takes a year. even if it's the one thing i finish ever. it'll be wtds.#for where its gotten me and the fact its what got me out of my shell and is the reason i trust that my writing is good!#i used to really hate rereading my work. i catch flaws that are obvious to me. but that fic. i just think about how *good* the story is#that story means. a lot to me? as a person? like the main character is not a good person. but people care about him anyway.#and there are so many little things. so many sentiments. so much that is a love letter to people who've done bad but learnt to do better#because. god knows i wasnt a good person even just a few years ago. and maybe i see myself in him a bit.#he came from a place of paranoia and fear and pain. and maybe its a good thing that i've found it difficult to write him recently.#because god. i've been HAPPY. even with the rough moments and bad days. i've been happy. i mean fuck.#my birthday's what. ten days away? god damn man. i'm going to be 18. that's an achievement.#i want to look the kid who thought it was over at half my age and tell him we fucking made it. and there are more years to come.#there's a life ahead. even if it's going to be a bitch. even if it's going to be tough. there's love in your heart and people who care and#you're going to fucking live and you're going to feel better one day. you have people to meet properly and thank and cherish.#because for every day it feel like the world's ending there are a dozen more where the sun shines just the right way through the rain#and you can't help but smile because it's just so god damn beautiful.#and fuck it. you're sick. your hands hurt and your legs don't work right. and it's tough sometimes. but you have people who understand.#you have people who honest to god love you for who you are and appreciate your company. and 18 is the first step.#you've spent half your life unlearning things and you've spent half your life relearning how to be what YOU want to be#and if you're a mediocre artist and passionate writer then you'll be fucking great at that. taking the time to learn when it strikes you.#and maybe this is for me. but its also for anybody reading it too. please god if there's one thing you take from this let it be that#somebody out there cares. *I* care. god i care. even if we've never spoken proper i care about you.#i practically have a list of everybody i see in my inbox. i love seeing familiar names show up. i.#i dont know how to neatly wrap up this tag ramble. but. i am so damn full of love it hurts sometimes. its scary to be happy but thats ok!
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find the word challenge
rules: share snippets of your work containing each of the words the previous poster selected for you (optional addition: if you can't find the word in your WIPs, or you simply don't have any WIPs, you can just write a sentence around the word)
thanks @the-likesofus for the tag!! very excited to see how many of these words I've used...
my words are: quiet, hold, cover, first, together, and small. unsurprisingly, my fake dating au (currently sitting at almost 30k words like it has been for the past few months...) has all of these words multiple times lol <3
quiet
Buck’s phone rings, and he pulls it out of his pocket, his hands shaking when he reads Bobby’s contact name. He answers before he can even register it. “Pops?” His voice is quiet and terrified.
hold
Hearing footsteps from his spot on the couch, Buck tenses as Nathan comes up the stairs. It’s been so long, but Buck can still recognize the man’s footfalls. He lets out a breath he’d been subconsciously holding when Nathan finally appears and moves towards one of the armchairs across from him instead of the couch.
cover
“Jurassic Park!” Chris yells, and Buck has to cover his ears against the sound, the kid’s excitement causing him to be louder than usual. “Please, Dad, I know it’s kind of scary, but they just put it back on Netflix, and I’ve seen it before! Plus, I’m ten now, I won’t have nightmares!”
first
“I don’t want you to get hurt again,” Eddie says, meeting Buck’s gaze. His eyes are soft and despite his words, they shine with support, and Buck thinks—not for the first time—how lucky he is to have a best friend like Eddie.
together
Nathan’s study abroad had been nearly over when Buck brought up the idea of him going to Los Angeles to fight fires and help people. Nate had just nodded before taking Buck’s hand and kissing him, saying he’d buy the plane tickets in the morning. Buck had assumed they’d be going back together to be together.
small
Eddie glares at Chim when he insists on playing with the station’s small Hildy gadget that they keep in the kitchen. They mostly use it to play music, but Chimney takes the opportunity to ask her a bunch of questions throughout the day and only stops when Eddie threatens to run her over with a fire truck after Chimney starts asking her questions about the 118 themselves.
words for people I tag: home, care, love, make, and dream
no pressure tagging @mooshkat @jacksadventuresinwriting @ty-in-bedlam @lilbuddie <3
#so many of these were JUICYYYY#but i said lets be mysterious for once#and then i actually succeeded in not giving yall the juiciest tidbits? for once?#the snippet for 'hold' is so rough but like. we'll get there#i've decided to re-read all of my fake dating fic because OOOH BOY did I forget the vibes of the last chapter i've written#it is SPICY yall (not in the smut way)#asdgdsh tbh i feel evil giving you pieces of buck/nathan (an omc) and barely any buddie >:)#also jurassic park my beloved!!#it is my go-to when it comes to a movie to put in a fic tbh....like#it's my favorite and i am convinced chris would love it once buck convinced eddie to let them watch it together <3#omg new headcanon just dropped buck and chris read jurassic park 'together' when chris is a teenager#not together together but like at the same time#when chris finally puts his foot down and says no more bedtime stories buck gets sad and so they come up with a new thing#aka buckley-diaz book club and i am SO writing that fic#holy shit i'm so excited it's gonna be so cuuuute#anywayyy i was looking through all my uses of 'cover' and didn't have to read past the jurassic park mention soooo love that lol#seriously though i cannot wait to edit this fic after i finish re-writing the earlier chapter i've been working on#i forgot how much i love editing my own work since i have most recently been working on a lot of lil projects that require little revision#but it's so fun! i truly am an editor at heart hehe <3#i am going to 1) try to read it like I would someone else's work (which is impossible but like. we can try)#2) stop thinking about the big picture and focus on line edits and perfecting what i've already edited and had betaed#3) read it and edit like a motherfucking poet#this fic is gonna be so gorgeous i stg#she's got good bones now she just needs a decorator#and yk the last 60-ish percent of it lol#mine#wip#find the word challenge#tag game
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Do you have any vent fics?
if you mean out of my published stuff or things i plan to publish, no none of them are vent fics
don't get me wrong, ive written several vent fics. but i don't publish them because it feels just. wrong? i guess? (<that just applies for how i feel about me posting them, not posted vent fics in general)
venting through writing is a great way to maintain how you're feeling so i highly encourage people to do so. plus you get to put your favs through situations and that's always fun
#ive been writing vent fics a lot more recently which is why i haven't posted much#going through a really rough time rn but i should be good in a couple months#anon#myyanswers#writing things
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yall i know i havent been super active on here recently but life is just getting a tad difficult these days and so i havent had time/energy to dedicate to my blog unfortunately :/
i do still check my notes multiple times a day and i do scroll my dash every so often, but my dash is kinda dead and i havent been seeing much to reblog, so my queue has run out, but i am still here im just kind of lurking instead
so if you reblog my posts with funny/interesting tags or send me messages/asks i will see it and will do my best to respond accordingly!!! i miss spending ungodly amounts of time on here but it just isn't feasible right now so i hope you all understand. hopefully i will get back in the swing of things soon 💙💙
#i think a lot of other people have been quiet recently too#so like.. my dash is dead#so i dont even feel the need to look through it bc i know there wont be anything there#but yeah work has been killing me#and spring term started at school so thats been rough#the combination of the two#and some personal stuff#all i want to do is like.. lay down#but yeah#like every so often i get messages from moots but the conversations dont go anywhere#bc i just. dont have the energy#im sorry yall#and i want to keep up with my fics that i have planned/am working on but#theyre all honestly on the backest of back burners#that usually i can at least think about them and maybe open and work on them when i have free time#but my free time rn is few and far between#and is usually spent just#sitting and zoning out scrolling through tik tok#:////
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so crazy how fated everything surrounding fob and i have been like no it isn't parasocial we were literally written in the stars i literally understand them on a deeper level than anyone ever w r soulmates‼️
#i love them sooooooooooooo much always & forever they r my world#been going through an incredibly rough time recently and im trying to appreciate the things that make me happy more than focusing on the#negative stuff where/when i can and like. fob makes me so happy :') they make life very worth it for me as like. cringe as that may be idc#every day for the past few weeks have been so terrible but they r there they r always there. im so thankful for them. ough#okay that was todays moment of appreciation <3 we r enduring <3#txt
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i’ve been obsessively checking facebook i feel like a boomer
#for context#iris’s placement needs to change so that she can be closer to professionals due to her recent behavioral issues#and one of the trainers posted on the organization’s facebook group looking for a volunteer to take her#so i keep checking that post in case anyone’s commented saying they’ll take her#bc i’m so stressed out not knowing how much longer i’ll have with her#and also stressed bc her training has been put on hold for the time#so i’m really nervous that she’ll be off training for too long and that even if she gets through her behavioral issues#she won’t be able to graduate and go on to be a working dog#not to mention all the stress of her being the second dog i’ve trained who’s needed to be moved due to reactivity#which makes me feel like it’s my fault and i’m bad at this#even tho a trainer has confirmed that she doesn’t think i’m doing anything wrong#but still#i’m nervous they won’t want me to keep puppy raising which is an irrational fear#bc i haven’t been told anything of the sort#just ugh i’m just having a rough time rn#also if iris is gonna be transferred it needs to happen before august bc i’ll be super busy#with moving into my dorm and then working at freshmen orientation at my school#so i just won’t be able to mentally handle that stress plus iris having just left#i just need to have set dates like ok iris is leaving on this day i can get a new dog on this day#but unfortunately i really can’t get that specificity right now#anyway that was a lot of rambling whoops
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assortment
#uugg#svsss#mdzs#man I don't wanna tag shdjfkg#all of these excluding jiang cheng I plan to finish some day anyways dhfjkg#altho when is the question... hngg....#also the first one is dhfjgkg bingqiu but like... withthat new geisha skin from idv#its called resilience of bamboo and is a rich green with bamboo and a black n red fan... idk man it just makes me think of them 🥺#also I'm djjfjgg stressed rn#I'm making cosplay and I keep making little mistakes that ruin everything shfkgkg#ah.. it's so annoying... I hate all of it... but gotta push through anyways 💪#also I got accepted teehee its an open enrollment so I was going in no matter what but its nice to get rhe email after waiting hehe#but also I think my friend is irritated with me so I've been leaving them alone but they also had like a breakdown so#idk how to go about interacting with them rn#cause like on one hand they completely ignored me earlier so clearly they don't wanna talk to me#but on the other hand they were having a rough time and maybe I should've said something anyways#and now its been hours and I'm still stewing on it shdkfkg so like I wanna say something still but now its awkward hfjfkgkh#man... I'm just gonna keep working UAHDKFKG#aiya.. I've been thinking about it before and moreso recently but I really don't make a good friend do I ?#sometimes I wonder if I'm capable of deeper emotion beyond myself cause moments like these make me think about how I always retreat#instead of pushing forward yknow like its awkward and weird but better going than pussyfootin around but ah I feel too awkward#so I just don't so like.. isn't that just me saying to myself I don't really care for my friend ? like even if its awkward for me wouldn't#it be better anyways? I've always been bad with comfort I've lived a very sheltered life so I lack a lot of experience and in a way empathy#so I've always been more on the cowardly and selfish side of things for sure... for a friend one should do better right but I can't seem to#be capable of doing more I just loiter jrjrjt how much is it base personality and how much is just lack of any real experience ? ehh..#well no need to think too hard or else I'll be more useless sbdjgkg at least lets work and be a bad friend than be useless AND a bad friend
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Sorry I've been posting so much about them lately but they're important to me,,,
#again sorry I've been posting so much of them I've just been kinda going through my own thing right now#don't really want to go into detail like‚ publicly and stuff cuz it's really personal i guess#but uh yeah#kinda having a rough time like. emotionally. when it comes to stuff like this#so I've just been drawing some fluffy happy stuff to try to like. feel better about it i guess#i know it's probably been kinda obvious that Kay Vikki and little Traki have been a decent chunk of my art recently#so i figured i should at least kinda say why a bit i guess#again not really comfortable going into detail because it's been really um. what's the word.#distressing?? maybe?? idk it's late I'm tired i can't think of words right now.#so yeah if you see a lot of fluffy happy family art stuff it's just cuz I'm having some family-related emotional issues right now#and it's kinda a way to vent and comfort myself at the same time#so yeah#figured i should at least give a tiny explanation for why I've been drawing them + other happy family stuff lately#uh yeah. so. that's why i guess#three eyed cats in my living room#hallows#hallows nightbreeze#traki#traki nightbreeze#Caetora#Caetora Nightbreeze#Vicoros#Vicoros Nightbreeze
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pacing my room chanting to myself to be the change you want in the world. treat others how you want to be treated. you will reap what you so. what you put out is what you will receive. karma.
be the change you want in the world
#it's literally not that serious!!!#I'm just a little sick rn (I'm getting better tho!!)#and going through some shit (it's my matric year and my dad sucks :/)#so I can feel myself slipping into old habits of like... rotting??#I mean I pull away from others and self isolate and doom scroll a litte#which 1) I don't actually wanna do that. what I WANT is to feel better and that obviously won't help#honestly it might make it worse and I'm not in too bad shape but I don't want to relapse again#2) I've actually made a lot of progress on myself that I'm v proud of :D and while I understand#progress and isn't just a straight line#I wanna put in the effort while I still have the energy/time to form new habits if things get like... bad bad#3) I feel I've connected w my friends and family recently which I'm v happy about#it's still rough some days but I *feel* closer to them. like I really do#and I feel supported and loved which is so refreshing#I'm honestly just trying to better form connections/relationships w ppl#cuz I kinda suck at that lmao. social anxiety am I right ladies /s#but everything has been fine so far.. which is ALSO good bc it proves my anxiety wrong#but mainly good bc.. it's good to be good?? wow great word choice. u can tell I write /s#but yeahh#I really should start journaling again but I keep forgetting where I put it🤡#💘. rambles
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🥰
#My best friend has been So Annoying recently by talking about her boyfriend all the time#And you guys#Praise God!!#They’ve really gone through a serious rough patch this year#But they kept praying and talking and going to counseling and seeking God’s will first#And it’s so so lovely to see that blossoming for them finally!!#I’m tearing up about it lol#Anyway#Praise God#it’s me hi
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