#boy i hope no one ik irl sees this post

[scarlettxxtt]

Do u guys ever just ask a college friend out for lunch and then they say they have prior plans with another group of friend.

And they don't invite u and u contemplate which answer to give, either "Oh cool, can i join?" Or "Oh cool, have fun".

And u r leaning towards the latter bc if u asked to join them and their friends, u might interrupt them and make things awkward? And u definitely don't want to make things awkward for them (ur friend and their friends). But this is just speculation and u don't have the guts to confirm if that's true or not bc that would also make things awkward?

Yeah.

So I went with "Oh cool, have fun". And ur friend doesn't try to invite u, and u know this bc they said "sorry :')"

Yeah.

[wayfayrr]

I first have to say that since I’ve only played Botw, some of totk, and maybe half of twilight, idk the other Links except for how people write them in fanfics and LU, so if my reason for each one doesn’t make sense, sorry!

1. Twilight - calm country boy but won’t accept being taken advantage of, also deeply cares about his friends and family (of the Links, he reminds me most of one of my best friends)

2. Four - also calm, logical, in fanfics is usually the only one holding the group’s singular brain cell lol (I’m a very logical person as opposed to emotional)

3. Sky - mother of the group, very sweet and loving (reminds me of my other best friend, but both Sky and my best friend can be a little too serious bc of this trait, I like to make jokes and mess around sometimes)

4. Tears - I think he’s a little less chaotic than Wild, I say a LITTLE lol, but idk, he can drive things so that’d help with traveling because I don’t like walking too much, but seeing scenery while flying would be pretty cool

5. Hyrule - most of the fanfics portray him as a very shy timid follower, and while I don’t want someone to dominate me in r relationship, I also don’t want to dominate, I need to have someone who can take charge but doesn’t boss me around

6. Wild - kinda already explained this one, ik he also has horses we could ride but still

7. Legend - his sense of humor being sarcasm is the same as me, I love sarcasm, I once said to someone “my sarcasm makes up for the whole population”, but while r senses of humor would be the same, I can’t see us working that well in a relationship, his abrasiveness is a lot and I’d rather have someone who’s softer and can cuddle with me w/o having to pretend it’s the worst thing ever bc eww feelings

8. Warriors - ik he has a soft side but his very flirtatious and arrogant personality would absolutely clash w me, it would turn me off immediately

Time and Wind excluded bc of age

If u want/have the time, I’d love to hear ur reasons for each one!

🐰

sorry I didn't put up the reasons on the og post, I kinda completely missed that bit 😅 but yeah there are reasons for why I've ranked them as such

1 - sky (literally no matter what au) He's insanely caring about people that he's close to, but can also be pretty snarky and rude. He and I have pretty similar senses of humor plus he's really loyal and honest to people he wants to keep close. (also I see him the most as being ace and even if I hc the others as such it just fits him the best IMO and idk if I would want to date any more allos after my experiences fbvsbfbvs)

2 - Twilight soft! country! boy!!!!! He's loyal to a T and is just so warm cuddly and oh I do love him so - I think he'd be number one for compatibility if it wasn't for my fear of dogs lmao

3 - tears I mean, besides him being like wild but more interested in technology and with more ability to cook? also I wanna help him dye his hair because that would be so fun :3

4 - wild I often get told that I'm him irl (personality and action-wise), so I hope that'd translate into us getting along? I like being outdoors and we could probably bond over eating rocks tbh

5 - hyrule soft fae boyyyyyyy, he's so sweet but I don't think I could move around as much as he does, he's none stop compared to wild.

6 - warriors So, this is more for canon and how other people see him rather than my own hcs (my hcs actually bumping him up from dead last surprisingly) he's usually shown as a playboy and knowing people in most places he goes while flirting with people to get things for reduced prices and I have pretty bad trust issues! I would wouldn't want to date him if he was showing interest in others while with me <3 also his arrogance would make me shutdown and not interact with him sdvsf

7 - four So while I don't mind being with someone shorter than me, I would like to be with someone a close height to mine whether that be a bit shorter or taller. the line is drawn when he barely makes it to my elbow when we're both standing. Plus I think our personalities simply match better to be friends rather than romantically, I could see myself being good friends with him - just no romance

8 - legend Idk I just don't think I would ever want to date him tbh, I see him as more compatible with a friend of mine and that's partly why too - I wouldn't want to nab him from her <3

[angelmichelangelo]

Hey there!! :)

Saw your post, and decided to pop in!

Sooo I have a few questions.

1. Who is your favorite TMNT brother to write/draw?

2. I read that you work as a nurse! First off, thank you for your service 💙 Second, do you have any favorite whump/hurt fics that you’ve written? And does it bother you when you read medical inaccuracies in fics? ;)

3. Do you have any pets?

4. (As a nurse) what would you say is peoples biggest phobias when it comes to being in a hospital setting? And how do you usually help them? (If you’re not comfortable with answering this question, that’s totally fine and there’s no pressure!)

5. What’s one of your favorite memories that always makes you smile or even shed a happy tear? :)

Hope you’re doing well!! 😁

~ Melissa

hi and thanks for the ask :3

for sure either mikey or leo. i have a real soft spot for them, and so naturally i kind of just.. unleash all my feelings onto them making them both my personal stress ball haha :')

thank you! ik i said i hate it a majority of the time but it does indeed have it's perks :) i recently wrote a 2k3 pre-sainw fic where the boys had to chop mikey's arm off and whilst i've never done anything of the sort irl (that would be. traumatising to say the least lol) i do enjoy the nitty gritty bits of real hurt/comfort. i did consider working on ER for a bit buuuttt im actually a huge baby and get stressed VERY easily so a high paced setting like that is not good for me! and for medical inaccuracies, i can get over it pretty quick unless its like JARRINGLY obvious, im cool with fic just being fic yknow:) its stressful trying to write something 100% accurate when youre not totally sure about the material itself haha

yup i sure do!! i have two dogs and a cat that are all the best babies in the world !! <33 im about to move out into my own apartment with my cat, as she's mine and im debating on whether to get her a little orange friend or not just to keep her company when im at work

i mostly work in elder care! which brings its challenges and also means i work with a lotttt of dementia patients. i'd say the worst thing for them is the lost feeling they get? because hospitals and such places can be scary! and then when you're already confused and lost? extra scary:( it really breaks my heart when i'll be talking to an elderly patient that does NOT wanna be there, and all they want is their mama :( i actually was gonna write a 2k3 splinter fic about dementia just cos im surrounded by it almost daily, but i wasn't sure how many people would be interested in a fic like that, so i just kind of abandoned it haha but yeah, trying to reassure people that they're safe and in the right place is a Lot especially when they're so lost within themselves. and sundowning is my biggest Bitch ever lol

oooohh best memory?? very random but when i was like 5 years old and me and my grandpa sat in his kitchen on a really cold, wet winters morning and he made me chocolate oatmeal and we sat and ate it together. he passed a few years after and i didn't get to see him much as we lived in separate countries but it's a really strong, happy memory in my head that i think of all the time when i have something warm and yummy on cold, sad days :)

[seelestia]

it's like a patronus lol more proof that we're family, no? :P

very very true. any editors are better than tumblr atp ;w; even on mobile, tumblr editor deletes paragraphs at times. like... why. >:/

chicken sandwiches ftw!! hskshdks that's kinda adorable... yes child, you have your cocoa latte while i'll have my flat white- /j

yes yes the jp version is my favorite in that scene!!! (isn't umeyuu really ikemen irl too lol) i mean the en va did a good job too ofc but from all versions the jp one just hits differently... or maybe i am biased lol

i am loving the married couple bickering between those two lmao i really hope their banner is together or something (i heard kaveh is a 4*?)... oooh i wish genshin had a system where there was a unique "added to party" line that triggers if certain characters are in that party yk?? e.g. if you add kaveh to a party with al haitham he might have the chance to say "ugh not this guy" or "you have bad taste" lmaoooo wouldn't that be fun?? i'm so making this a post sjdlsjdl

i tried exploring around mond to 100% my exploration (so far only 2 areas are 100%) with the treasure compass and it's. it's so relaxing but also it takes so. much. time. lsdfjslhdfjks i'm gonna die from the electroculus and dendroculus searching, i just know it ;w;

*stamps 'chronic simp' sign on your hand* welp now we match-

yeye i heard about that too! so my current plan is to use my guarantee to 'mouchie cause i just gotta collect these anemo boys it's my destiny (i somehow have a feeling his rerun won't be anytime soon after this cause we're already kinda 'done' with his story, while compared to that childe will definitely still appear in the future???) and then pull on ayato's banner. if i'm lucky, i'll get ayato, but if not at least that means guaranteed al haitham (which i heard will be in 3.4?). but whatever it is al haitham's coming home no matter what cause i have the power of credit card

sobs i love that one the most too. the inspiration gods blessed me with that one ;w;

i'm cradling your hugs and cuddles close to my chest and sipping your tea with a smile. sending you back twice the hugs and headpats <3 <3

calling them our patronus sounds so cute AWWW <3 this makes me want to rewatch harry potter all of a sudden, but i'd probably end up falling asleep the moment i laid my head down on the sofa 😭 i think ayato would find the wizarding world vv intriguing and comment on its perks ("my, an invisibility cloak? i can only imagine the many tricks i'd be able to get away with." smack him /j). and for heizou, ik for sure that he would deffo be a fan of it (he's a nerd, a cute one).

i can see why you like the jp ver because umehara yuichiro's voice makes alhaitham sound extra feral LOLL i'm vv excited to see you go feral when his drip marketing comes out on twitter 👀 and yep, kaveh is a 4-star and it is most likely he'd be on the same banner as his beloathed roommate, pfft. OH, THAT IDEA SOUNDS FUN LOLLL you add kaveh into the party and alhaitham's unique voiceline is just "...sigh, care to remind me why he has to be here again?"

good luck with mondstadt's exploration, rin jie! >:) treasure hunting is like a more relaxed way to get 100% exploration and primos in small quantities. don't be like me and resort to finding the oculi yet because hoyoverse hides them in the weirdest places that i had to pull out guides 😭

GO GET SCARAMOOSH HOME! from what i saw in leaks, his kit is super cool and unique from the rest. the angy man literally floats in the air LOLLL and wishing you my good luck on ayato! hopefully, that commissioner will follow his great buddy oni's example and come home ;D and the way alhaitham is technically already guaranteed to be yours, whether that be with the power of credit card or not (hopefully not) fjejwkske

as you know for me, i'm definitely pulling for ayato with my guaranteed pity at 25 (i managed to secure layla within 20 pulls on childe's banner) + i have 80 fates saved rn, so it is safe to say the man will come home safe to me! i grinded so hard like i collected dendro sigils, the lumenstones and the res crystals at dragonspine to get those 2 free fates hoyoverse gave out 😭 i think after i get ayato, i'll probably go back to my "pulling on the banner i regret the least" technique. i hope ayato comes home early, so i'd still have some leftover fates <//3 EITHERWAY, BEST OF LUCK TO BOTH OF US! ✨

[thecontumacious]

Hi i saw the request was open (not sure but if it is u can delete this)

So remember the offstream collab where nina, vox, ike, and mysta were drinking milo? so what i was thinking was that when they were drinking the milo what if someone suddenly knocked on the door and nina was like “oh i’ll get it”cause she brought y/n as a secret to suprise them and then y/n says “did any of you order more milo?” Then they recognized their voice (also chat) and they all looked back and saw y/n who is 6’2 and they ran to hug her but they fell down on the floor after that they questioned things about her and how she had like prada,gucci clothes and they said that they are a fashion model (not sure if u use faceclaims but the faceclaim i chose was @/jihoonkim) and suddenly mysta said “damn she can be my sugar mommy” and ike and vox nodded agreeing to what mysta said and suddenly y/n being straight serious y/n went “aight bet what you wanna buy?” and mysta jokingly said “i want a whole pack of pocky and some more milo” and she actually bought it

Later when i don’t remember when but one of them said(?) vox had a designed jacket(?) and y/n was like “Vox no were going to my wardrobe and make you look fabulous…actually i’ll change all of you to become fabulous” so she brought all three of them and gave them each a fancy outfit and after changing they all looked fabulous “DANG y/n you have good taste in fashion” and y/n said “i know😌💅” and went back to chat and complimented y/n’s taste in fashion considering she was a fashion model.

I ran out of writing juice you can add more if you want also if it’s possible could i be 🎧 anon if there is already one could i be 🖍anon? Hope u have a good day/night! ଘ(੭ˊᵕˋ)੭

Have some photos i made at 2am ( i can’t post the photos without showing my anon)

to be fawned over

pairing: nijimilo x fem!model!reader (ft. nina) a/n: JSHJKAHSJKAHSL THESE PHOTOS ISTG okay i got you covered for this one hehe. alright honest thought about milo: i don't actually rly like it? like vox said, it's like watered down chocolate milk. i like my milk super wholesome :3

reminder that all my work and others in the fandom are purely fiction and intended to entertain, not to be projected irl.

you've met all tons of people, varying from the most pleasant to the most unpleasant ones because of the socially demanding job of being both a fashion model and a successful v-tuber

but you're very safe to say that your co workers here at niji en were one of the loveliest people you've ever met

so why the heck were you so nervous waiting outside the hotel room everyone was streaming in? holding a milo twelve pack no less like this ;-;

you were lucky no one was rly around to pass by as it was sort of late into the night

nina had told you in advance that neither vox, mysta or ike knew of your arrival, and that was completely on purpose

"i thought it'd be fun to surprise the boys is all," she snickered through the phone. "don't forget to bring the extra milo okay! i'll text you when it's time to come in."

continuation utc!

you'd been lying if you said it wasn't a rather fun idea

the element of surprise is always entertaining, both for the sake of yourself, your friends and the chat

from the other side of the door, you can hear the boys' positive comment on the milo drink, claiming they'd like to have more but slightly disappointed that mysta had only brought a few this time

then, a text comes through and as you suspected, it's from nina signalling to you to knock on the door

you inhale and did exactly that, pressing the canned drinks against your chest with a nervous grin

"i'll get that!" nina exclaims from the inside, standing up and heading towards you

with every step she took, you grew nervous but at the same time super excited to see everyone for the first time

in the next second, the door swings open and you come first face to face with their streaming setup and all three boys facing the door

you laugh, raising the pack of milo in the air, "did someone order more milo?"

"HOLY SHIt?" mysta stands abruptly, nudging ike to the side a bit. he earns himself a slap from the novelist. "oW, IKE!"

"don't 'ow' me, mysta! you literally shoved me!" he playfully scolds him

vox begins to holler, heading towards the chat upon confirming himself it actually is you at the door, "GUYS GUESS WHO IT IS!"

luxiem was chaotic, yes

never expected them to be this chaotic though

but were you complaining? nope

nina from the door ushers you to come inside, "come in, come in, surprise guest!"

you giggle and stride into the room, placing the rather heavy cans onto the kitchen counter. "do i get a tip for carrying heavy cargo?"

ike is first to approach you, his arms wide open with a very bright smile, "do hugs count?"

"yes, they do," you lean forward and wrap yourself in ike eveland's arms for the first time. sure, you and ike were good friends online but to finally see each other like truly sealed the deal

he's squeezing you tight, all the while grinning like he had never grinned in his entire life, "uwahhh it's so good to finally see you!! did you and nina plan this?"

you pull away, smirking, "nah, don't blame me. nina made me do it."

"made you? y/n, you immediately jumped at the idea!" nina pouts, offended by your accusation as she sat back down on the couch to handle the stream

mysta comes stumbling next, offering a hug to you as well, "i don't give a fuck! what's important is that she's here now!"

"i can say the same, mysta!" ike lets go of you so you can now hug mysta, firmly holding him against you

"holy shit, you're so tall???? what the fuck is going on?" mysta points out, causing for you and the other to laugh

ike chimes in, "actually yeah... i was so excited to see you i completely let that slip past. jesus y/n, you are tall."

"gentleman, there's a clear reason why she also works as a fashion model," vox shakes his head, walking towards you and pretty much asking for his turn of pleasantries. he winks at you, "gorgeous at that."

"why thank you, milord," you giggle, offering him a hug too.

vox easily receives it, patting your back while he was at it. "in complete seriousness, it's good to see you."

"yes, chat, it is the great y/n who has just arrived!" nina announces, turning back to you. "come say hi to the chat, y/n."

you let go of vox and you're off to greet your fans.

"hi chat!"

your eyes almost couldn't keep up with what they're saying, save from the occasional superchats.

"yes, none of the boys actually knew beforehand i'd be coming here," you chuckle, eyeing ike, mysta and vox behind you. "i can tell they're already head over heels for me."

"oh fuck yeah," mysta admits, ike laughing beside him as vox completely agrees. "i mean look at her chat! man, if you saw her, you'd be down bad. ain't i right boys?"

"i've gotta be honest but taking a good look at her, she's super well dressed. among us boys, she definitely has the better closet," ike comments

vox interjects, "would it be okay if we leaked your drip? i mean, imagine the fanart!"

you nod your head, cheeks slightly flushed, "go ahead."

vox drops onto the empty space next to you, leaning close towards the mic, "alright, listen well chat. she's wearing a black coat dress with a matching belt. a silver chain necklace, silver earrings and knee high boots in brown. if that isn't a drip, i don't know what is."

[or you can imagine whatever clothes you'd like to have, this is just my personal preference ^^]

"kudos to me for inviting her over, huh?" nina laughs, slapping your arm playfully.

"guys, she could be my sugar mommy if she wanted to," mysta adds, "whispering".

you smirk, crossing your legs. "alright, bet. what do you want?"

the detective merely chuckles in response, "right now, i need myself some more milo to take home. oh and strawberry pocky* for the ride back."

*yes i headcanon mysta rly likes strawberry flavored pocky

you clap your hands, "i'll see to that done, then!"

after that, it's back to bonding between the members + nina ofc with you as an added treat!

mysta is more than glad to have someone who can keep up with him, vox finding himself a flirting buddy, ike gaining at least one more sane person in the group and a female nina can side up with if the boys ever gang up on her lmao poor nina

the night ways itself further, but the laughter between the five of you don't cease (the alcohol too aye)

it included stuffing your faces with food nina kept buying, convincing mysta not to handle the knife both when he's around people and by himself, chaperoning fox akuma with ike and making sure nina doesn't fall over drunk

ah, what a family

it's no surprise all of you woke up with a headache, but that most certainly did not stop you from venturing into the city before streaming hours

"guys, guys, let's go to this restaurant i found! it has good reviews, good food, drinks and i heard there's a beautiful view!" nina shows you her phone, displaying the mentioned food place

you skim through the information and indeed find it to be of decent quality. you hum, taking a sip of water as the boys only start cracking their eyes open to the new day.

"seems legit enough, let's go then!" you smile

ike comes over and nina hands him the phone.

he too seemed to approve, "looks good to me. i feel like we all need something so we don't feel so bad right now."

the three of you laughed

"i'm in for good food, ju-just, ah," vox hisses, holding his head. "someone get me some aspirin."

"get me some too, please," mysta hiccups, chugging down a gallon of water down his throat

after an hour or so of getting everyone back into safer conditions, you and nina head back to your rooms to get ready.

"y/n, y/n, i have an idea," nina chirps, pulling you towards her. "since you're the fashion expert here, why don't you dress me up? i mean, you always look amazing! i want a taste of that myself."

you giggle, "i'm the model, nina. not the stylist."

"don't be so humble now, baby. at the very least you've seen what your stylists have dressed you in. come on, let's look fabulous today," nina flips her hair dramatically and you can't help but just give in to her antics, seeing as there was no harm to it anyway

"alright, fineee. suppose it'll be fun," you shrug. the woman shrieks of enthusiasm, tugging you quicker towards your room.

"here's what i brought! put together an outfit for me, baby," nina flips her suitcase open, giving you free reign of her outfit for the day

after a bit of mix and matching, swatching the colors, you finally settle on something that would suit nina's confidence and maturity.

"and a matching bag of your choice, nina! this should be it," you dust your hands together, smiling as nina studied herself through the mirror with awe in her eyes

"oh my god, this looks so good! man, i never knew my closet had these," she comments

"you do, you just haven't tried matching them together!"

"so, just the model huh," nina wiggles her eyebrows.

"oh please, it's nothing."

"hey, hey, another idea!!"

"what is it, nina?"

she grins, "how about you dress the boys too?"

"you sure they'd want that?" you scratch the back of your head sheepishly, looking away.

"oh it'll be fine! besides! the boys were obviously fawning over you last night, why wouldn't they let you style them?" she encourages you, clasping your hands into hers. "come on!! it'll be super fun! and i know you'll come up with something good!"

"okay, okay fineee. we'll go ask them after i dress, okay?"

"don't worry about it!"

it's only a matter of time you exit the bathroom with your chosen outfit.

"there she goes, slaying the day with the drip," nina gawks upon exiting the bathroom. you wave her off, grabbing your things and heading for the door.

"oh hush, come on. let's see the boys!" nina nods and you two are off to find them in their rooms.

"hi boys, we come proposing an idea!!" your friend announces from the other side of the door

ike is the one to answer the door, "huh? what idea?"

"y/n here is gonna dress you guys up for the day!"

"dress... us up?"

"yo, is that nina and y/n?" mysta hollers from inside. "we're not ready yet! but come in."

"OH PERFECT! excuse me ike," nina softly pushes ike away from the door as she comes inside, pulling you with her. "boys, stop dressing because y/n's gonna do it for you!"

"pardon me?" vox pops his head out, still with his previous shirt on. "what's going on in that head of yours again, ninaur?"

"it's a good idea, i promise," nina giggles, pushing you up front. "she's gonna be styling you guys today."

"ah, i see what's going on here," vox smirks, leaning onto the wall with his arms crossed. he eyes you, "well, miss fashionista, my suitcase is yours to go through. i'd like to see what you come up with."

"hey, hey! i want in too!" mysta shouts.

"well if everyone is doing this, i guess i'll do it too," ike laughs, walking over to his luggage area. "i'm in your care today, y/n."

nina nudges you, smirking, "this is gonna be a fun day, huh?"

you smile, "indeed it will."

bonus:

"hey, mysta!" you call over, mysta looking up from his phone.

"what's up, y/n?" he asks

you grin, digging into your bag to reveal a few boxes of his pink pockey and individual milo cans specially for him.

his mouth gapes open, looking between you and the food items in your hands. "wh-? i thought you were kidding???"

you shove them into his hands, forcing him to take them with a wink, "then no, i wasn't. i'd gladly take that offer to be your sugar mommy, mysta."

mysta looks at you one last time, this time his cheeks a very bright red and unknowing what to say. "wh--well, i--"

"if you're mommy, can i play daddy?" vox interjects, leaning towards you with a suggestive grin. you giggle.

"perhaps."

"are we really going to have this type of conversation in public?" ike groans, glaring lasers into the three of you.

nina can only laugh at the interaction between you and the boys, very extremely glad she came up with the idea of secretly inviting you.

(i apologize in advance for the rather wonky anatomy bcs i did these in the literal dead of night and also bcs nina's got cut ;-;)

references i used:

Masterlist!

[moonarchvs]

Paramour [m.d]

summary- Miguel has a secret admirer and he has you, why to choose when he can have both?

warnings- kissing, so much fluff, my horrible try at poetry

word count- 2.5k

author speaks- istg, I wrote this in flat five hours and I'm so proud just i hope it doesn't disappoint or fail. Ik I'm posting after a shit ton of time and yeah @sapphireplums if u dont gimme some feedback I'm bringing a knife to you (jk ilysm) also the letter is written quite from the depth of my heart and the idea struck while writing one irl so yeah lol also I love this boy sm he's so underappreciated.

It started on a Saturday.

Miguel would never forget the day, that day it had all begun. It was funny actually, how he almost discovered that one thing which had changed his life for good by accident.

He had been tired and sweaty after his karate practice and was going home after fetching a few things from the grocery store. He entered his house and threw his bag on the couch. It was 7 pm and he figured Carmen would be in the hospital, working her double shift, he tiptoed his way to Yaya's room and cracked open the door to see her peacefully snoring on the bed. He switched off the light and closed the door slowly.

He made his way to the kitchen but before making a meal for himself, he went to lock the door when a small tennis ball caught his eye, he bent to pick it up and noticed it was cut open and a piece of paper was sticking out of it, he pulled out the neatly folded note and opened it, 

My dearest Miguel,

I have looked and admired you from afar for as long as I can remember, and can’t help but let my feelings grow immensely for you. You may know me, you may not but I want you to know that I have been falling into a void since the day I saw you at the All Valley tournament, at first it was a torture, to have my heart and mind only focus on you wherever I went, but after a few weeks, it became a pleasure, and you my sweet paramour have been the best thing to be on my mind.

I do not expect you to write back, I’m not sure if you will even see this, but I had to get this weight off my chest and let you know what I think of you. In case you wish to give me a response, just leave a letter in the ball and keep it outside your door and I’ll do the rest.

With love, your greatest admirer

Miguel’s eyes were bulging out of their sockets as he read the piece of paper again and again, his eyes coming back to re-read his name, confirming if it was addressed correctly, but the letters stayed the same, they never jumbled up into a different name, it never vanished from his hands like he thought it may, he never woke up from this beautiful dream, like he expected to. 

It was real, someone loved him, loved him for he was, without changing a thing about himself. He traced the handwritten note with his fingers, loving how the ink felt on his fingers. His heart raced at the thought of someone writing the note and taking the trouble to bring it here. He imagined what his friends would say, Hawk would probably insist on hiring a detective to find the person responsible, Demetri would not believe him first-hand, he just knew it, Samantha would gush over the cuteness of the gesture.

One thing he was sure all of them would say, was to write back, and that was exactly what he going to do.

“Oh the things we do for love.”

You were never the person to believe in this saying, you never believed you would do unimaginably daring things for a person you love. But then again, fate is a funny thing isn't it?

Here you were, at 5 am walking to Reseda to Miguel’s house to check if he wrote back or even saw the letter.

Oh Miguel,

That boy had single-handedly lit up your life by just existing. You remembered the first time you had actually seen him, in the All Valley tournament, when the Cobras had made their grand entry, you remembered being entranced by him, right in the lead of the line of young competitors. During the span of the whole competition, you found it really hard to take your eyes off him, it was a divine experience in itself and your chest seemed to be contracting whenever he left your gaze and there was a sudden rush of adrenaline whenever you accidentally locked eyes.

That’s when you knew, you had fallen and you had fallen hard.

After his win the tournament his popularity had sky-rocketed and you knew you had no chance with him, he probably didn’t even know you existed. Girls would constantly flock around him and he always had this charming smile on his lips which was the game-changer. You thought you had no hope, until your English teacher had decided to partner you in a project.

You were surprised to see how humble, kind and gentle he was. The amount of respect his words carried, the gentleness in his voice when talked to you as if you were the most delicate thing he had come across. He was perfect, he was everything you could ask for in a lover and it was crushing you everyday, to not let him know what you felt and that’s when you had had enough, you had fished out a spare piece of paper and poured out your heart, wrote what your heart told you to, what your mind needed to.

You reached his apartment and your heart leapt to your throat when you saw the ball out, staring at you as if saying, ‘pick me up loser.” You rushed towards it and pulled out the folded paper in it, 

Hey secret admirer,

I’m flattered that you feel about me this way. It is so overwhelming to know that someone can care for me so deeply. I want to know why you didn't sign your name, I would love to know who you are and get to know you more. Please write back.

-Miguel 

You felt like your heart would burst out of your chest, it was so surreal. Yesterday you thought he was a star, only made to admire from afar, not something to actually know and touch.

You ran back to your house, which was just 5 blocks away, and immediately sat on your desk to write a response.

"You're fucking with me." 

The next day, the first thing Miguel did was tell his friends about the letter he had received yesterday. And their reactions were exactly like he imagined.

The first thing Sam did was squeal, Demetri still had his jaw on the floor and Hawk had simply said the words to him.

"Nope." He said, showing off the letter which Demetri immediately snatched, he opened it and read the words and looked up at him, impressed.

"This person has great vocabulary." Were his only words as he pushed the letter back into his palms while Hawk's face still had that teasing smirk plastered on.

"So what you're you gonna do? Did you write back?" He asked as they started to move to their first class. "As a matter of fact, I did." He said proudly and Hawk's smirk widened.

"El serpiente! That's my boy!" He said, thumping his back.

The rest of the day flew by and Miguel eagerly cycled back home to see if there was another letter for him, but just as he neared his house he saw a group of boys, laughing and cat-calling a girl who was walking down the street.

She looked quite familiar to him, the way her (h/c) hair bounced up and down as she walked, how her short foot-steps scrubbed against the sidewalk. A light bulb went off in his head as her name came rushing to him.

 Y/n

He immediately rushed towards her as the boys started to come closer and closer and she simply sped up trying to move out of the empty street. But Miguel caught up and wrapped an arm around her shoulder. You looked to your right, heat rushing to your cheeks as Miguel's face came into view.

"Where were you darling?" He asked, as he started to take huge steps towards his house. Miguel leant forward and whispered in her ear. "Just play along."

With a horde of butterflies swarming in your stomach, you nodded your head, "Sorry babe, had to stop by a friend's." You said, acting along his bluff but Miguel wasn't looking at you, he was giving the boys a death glare who were now retreating, afraid of the intimidating gaze.

Taking a turn 'round the corner of the street, he let go of you making you suppress a protest at the loss of touch.

"Thank you for helping me out there, I don't know what would have happened if you didn't come." You thanked him in a small voice, not able to look him in the eyes without letting your cheeks heat up.

"It's completely fine, it felt like a duty. By the way, you're Y/n right, senior? All Valley High?" He asked and your head looked up at him, in surprise. He remembers.

"Yeah, yeah t-that's me." you said breathlessly, outstretching your hand for him to shake which he gladly did.

"I'm Migu-"

"I know, Miguel Diaz, pretty sure the whole valley does too." You cut him off and he smiled, making your lips stretch into one too.

"You live around here?" He asked, and you nodded your head, "Just 5 blocks away, the independent houses."

"Right, I live right here. It's small but I like it." Miguel said, signalling back at his house, you were all too familiar with.

"I do too. Looks cozy." You said, shrugging and his smile grew. Miguel found it really hard to look away from your (e/c) eyes. He thought they were like an ocean, deep and mysterious, something about you made him feel you were hiding something and he was intrigued.

"I'll not trouble you then, see you at school." You said, waving him goodbye 

"Yeah, see you, and you're never a trouble!" He called behind you and you laughed.

Miguel continued to smile as ran to his house and saw the tennis ball. He picked it up excitedly and rushed to his room and took out the note and unfolded it, being met with your messy scribble.

My dearest beloved,

I'm so glad you wrote back, it is like one of my sweetest dreams has come true and don't be flattered, that wasn't even a fraction of what I feel about you, you should start loving yourself a little more, paramour.

I tried. Trust me, I wanted to sign it off with my name but it was a sort of fear or an insecurity, I just could not. Just sending it to you is a huge step for me. I hope I get the courage to reveal myself soon enough.

As for getting to know me, I study in your school, West Valley High. I know, I can hear you gasp from there, but it is what it is. I pretty much lay low in school so that's why I said you may or may not know me. I love to read, that's one thing about me you can know will never change, my interests and hobbies keep changing as per my obsession.

If When you write back, please tell me a little more about yourself, I would love to hear a bit more about you.

With much love, your greatest admirer.

Miguel never thought a bunch of words could make him so giddy and flustered and feel so loved. He re-read this letter a million times, just like he did with the previous one. Finally, after he had subconsciously memorized the whole letter, he tore a page from his book and started to write his answer on it.

"Right in my mouth!"

"Really?! That's disgusting." 

You and Miguel had bumped with each other the next day and had spent the entire practically joined by the hip. From your first class to the break, from P.E to the time you went home.

Miguel had discovered a completely different side of you today, even when you two had worked on the project, he never felt that you opened up to him. But today you seemed comfortable, happy and he loved every minute of it.

He had had a hard time trying to get his eyes off you, like the last time you were together but this time, he wanted to be close to you, to your hands, your face, your lips

The number of times his gaze had travelled from your eyes to lips, he had honestly lost count, it was embarrassing, how he felt himself falling for you so quickly. 

And as you two made your way to your house, being the gentleman he was, Miguel had insisted on going to yours first. He found it extremely hard to actually listen to what you were saying instead of just staring at you, open-mouthed, with a lovesick light in his eyes and a light-tipped smile on his face.

So as a result, he didn't notice the bump in the road and tripped over it. He closed his eyes for the impact but it never came as he felt your arms slide around his torso to stop him from falling.

"You ok paramour?" You panted, making him balance on his feet.

"Yeah, don't wor-" Miguel froze, realizing what you had just said, he looked at you with realization dawning in his eyes, "What did you just say?"

He felt you freeze too, your eyes widened and heart started to race, "I asked if you were ok. "

"No, what did you just call me?" He repeated softly, taking his hands in yours and rubbing circles on your knuckles.

"Paramour." Miguel had to bite his lip to stop the squeal which he was about to let out. In hindsight, he should've known, he always thought the way you talked was very similar to someone, the pauses, the tone, the usage of words, you were his secret admirer and he felt so proud and happy that he had someone like you.

"It's you." He said and you mistook the surprise in his voice for disappointment, "I know you might not like who was behind that paper, but trust me I just wanted you to know what I felt and when you responded, I just could not hold myself back. Besides, it was so nice to have you around me, I had never even imagined I would be talking to you like a friend and I totally understand if that's what you want to rema-"

His lips crashed on yours in a searing kiss, hands going to your waist, pulling your body as close to his as possible. You were shocked, mesmerized and immediately addicted as your hands went up to his neck and lips molded with his.

"Is this real?" You said softly, as you two pulled away due to lack of oxygen. You were too scared that all of it might be a dream.

"As real as my love for you." Miguel replied, rubbing your noses together.

"Is it?" 

"I don't know how to lie, paramour." He said, caressing your cheek.

You chuckled lightly, "It sounds good from you." You said.

The two of you stood like this, in each other's embrace for a little while when Miguel spoke up, 

"Are you going to ask me on a date or I'll have to do that too?"

[bigkpopstan]

Thank you<33 so basically I think I might be trans but I've been in like denial for a long time, mostly because my mom always told me that she's glad that I wasn't a boy:/ and to not upset her I kind of just decided to still go as a she/her female and ahh also idk I'm scared to like post on my blog that I want to be reffered to as male bc idk I feel like they'll expect me to write mlm fics then and I'll loose followers or people will send me hate:/ and idkk I also don't want to "dissapoint" people even though ik everyone here is really nice but it's just like that kind of feeling that I can't get rid off.. I hope this all made sense 😭 you don't have to give me any advice I'm happy enough that I could tell you about this!!

Ah also side rant ig my irl friend who I literally told that I'm figuring out my gender and I don't like to be reffered to as female or she/her pronouns keeps referring me to that🧍 she also made like a trans joke (she's trans btw) and when I joined in on it she was like "noo you can't say that you're cis" 🧍STFU😭

long reply

I am having the same-point in life, like the same situation, bc I have been questioning since I was like 14 almost 15? my last year of middle school (I got held back one year lmao). i have a vivid memory of doing a school survey and it asked for gender identity and I put questioning and have been saying that I want a cock since at the very least. I didn’t do much about it until recently myself and even then it’s not-a lot or publicly. i think it’s nice we’re going through the same thing at the same time which means !! we should talk more !! hello !! ily !! but I completely understand, even after, I know you’ve seen it but even after changing my pronouns I still hesitate to post mlm content :,) or amab scenarios :,). i haven’t had much of a difference in the way people react or treat me but then again your anons-wild the audacity of some people you’ve had bother you I am so sorry 😭.

i think personally for me, my way was I’ve always written more gender neutral but I still write for both afab/amab and I haven’t gotten around to it yet but !! I will in the further personally be writing more self indulgent content. I hope you come up with your own solution that works for you!! But I do definitely understand those feelings :,).

also fuck that bc like my friends have dealt with me saying my “trans clues” for years and I have even mentioned where they can see that I’ve been changing things on the internet and I get not wanting to get into the habit of calling me things when I’m not out publicly but !! bro !! you know why do you !! why are you !!! pls ;-; that is literally so frustrating/annoying I’m sorry

[traumxrei-archive]

AAA TRAU????? THAT LEONA FIC??? JFC---

grips my head. im NOT a lion kisser im NOT I SWEAR-

*looks behind me-*

FUCK NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO-

crying and sobbing trau look at what you DID TO ME. Wait, I mean your identical twin did to ME- This man will haunt my every waking moment now </333

Sorry I haven't been simping that much on your fics, I've just been so busy orz. After working 6-10 for days straight and now heading into important tests this week- I am b u s y *sobs harder*. If it's alright to ask... can you tag me for every fic you post? :0 Every time I find out that I missed you posting one I always panic because AUAGHH NOT AGAIN. Even with me being busier with the weeks to come and working, I'll try to find the time to read your fics n simp!! Because they are literal works of art???? I still lose my mind over your godly writing

Anyways I hope you are doing well!! <3

(the leona fic that my evil twin wrote /j)

H-HI RUIN...

I SEE THAT HE'S COMING AFTER YOU TOO- like the amount of power- this guy never smiles in his own groovies, he's smiling in other ppls groovies to make us suffer not having a full hq picture of him genuinely smiling. not smirking, but s m i l i n g- (MINI RANT BC I HATE HIM /J)

i'm uh. i'm so sorry that the fic that my twin wrote is haunting you like this...i'll tell them that you're dying here bc of what they did haha

also pls don't apologize for being busy and missing my fics !! i post like 9348932 a day just answering asks so naturally it'd get buried under everything :'))) and also !!!!! definitely don't apologize for putting your irl stuff first ! my fics will always be around for you to read when you're chilling :D

and for the tagging, i could tag you or dm you any of the fics i write ! that way you don't miss out on your daily dose of twst writing brought to you by my silly little brain (if you prefer me tagging you that's okay too, i'm just suggesting ideas ^^)

please do take your time tho, ik you'll be busy with exams soon so dw abt not being able to simp over the twst boys i write abt ! i hope that the workload lessens for you soon and that all goes well with work + your exams <33 good luck ruinnn :DDD

[sugasugawarau]

Happy New Years to you all! I’m a bit late in writing and posting this but I wanted to take the time to properly thank everyone who follows me for sticking with me :) I know I’m not the most active when it comes to writing or even making shitposts so I hope you know it means the world to me that you enjoy my content. While just because 2020 has ended does not mean things will get automatically better, know that you have the capability of making a difference both for yourself and others. I’m proud of you for coming this far and please remember to take care of yourself when you can <3

And I’d also like to take the time to thank some individuals who have made a huge impact on my tumblr experience and have made this year better under the cut! Be warned there are many words and also sorry for any typos I wrote this at 3am :D

I’m going to start off with a few major lo$ers (joking) aka my irl friends that have tumblr

@kbh-ton, @ashr00m, @kae-and-the-lost-dragons

Okay the fact that you all follow me here is EMBARRASSING because you have to endure perceiving me from a sorta totally different perspective but surprise hi,, ily 😹 I know ⅔ of you don’t even use tumblr that often but I digress!! Thank you?? Like I’m not kidding when I say I don’t know where I would be without any of you guys. Stinky pp Paul, you’ve been here with @/sugasugawarau since the beginning-ish and have always been supportive of my absolutely stupid ideas. And my sons AKA get cucked squad, this is going to be ultra sappy but I hope you know how proud I am of the both of you (but no thanks to one of you for teaching us about nussies 😕). Thank you all for tolerating my overthinking ass as well as whenever I get high from a lack of sleep and just in general bc I’m a constant mess of a human being; you are all the best people ik stfu I don’t take criticism.

To my first ever tumblr mutual, @tendouthighs

Hi Codie!! Ik we haven’t talked a lot lately but just know that I appreciate your endless kindness and how you’re able to keep up with my smooth brain antics in dms so much. You’re so funny and I’ll treasure all the jokes and headcanons we’ve made, I hope you’re taking care and doing well heading into 2021! 💖💕

To wife Lyra @yacoka

Miss… Thank you sm for dropping by my inbox all the way back in like June/July because otherwise I don’t think I’d ever have gotten the courage to dm you LOL. It would be an understatement to say that you’re the kindest and most easygoing person I’ve met on here - I hope you know how grateful I am to have met you and read your works (and for lending me your knives and just being so?? supportive??? truly idk how you do it but ily 😣❣️)

To wife Joy @lesbians4yaku

Joy!!! I really don’t know where to start because you’re just so amazing?? And we’ve been mutuals for as long as I can remember ajdjfka I’m just,, so glad to have met you and I hope you know how much I love seeing you on the dash, whether it’s being able to marvel at the genius that is your mind whenever you make a haikyuu shitpost or reading your tags. You always make me laugh and smile and I am wishing you both of those things in 2021 bc u deserve the best, love u 🤍🤍🤍

To Arell, the sweetest soul I know @g4nyu

You have a natural talent for being able to make me both soft ™ and also laugh as freely as Tanaka and Nishinoya with your relatable quips and jokes and I adore you for it. (Also.. can we talk about how absolutely gorgeous your writing is I will nvr shut up.. also also I am here whenever u need to be enabled to rave abt any and all Haikyuu or Genshin characters <33) ily and ty for being my mutual, I feel v lucky to have u in my life 🥺

To Cal, a goddess in her own right @heyhinata

Ma’am the way ily?? You’re beautiful inside and out and I have sm fun talking to you. Being able to call you a mutual and read your works is a blessing and I’m so glad we started talking in dms ajsjfja I’ll never forget plotting smaus with you to raving abt Genshin and making fun of B*n Sh*piro, hidden muppet 😍 Wishing you the best in all that you do!

To Rae, fellow Tim Hortona enthusiast @mehreya

Hi bae I just want to start off with a big thank you. You’re such a wonderful and invigorating person to talk to and I always feel at ease talking with you, and seeing you on my dash with your interactions with others is always a light in my day. And for u I will embrace the Oikawa kinnie in me any day <33 ly and have an amazing New Years 🥰

To Ria, the absolute best and only Ria ik @kumaoi

Omg hi sexc 😍 ahdjkfka idk if you’ll see this but hey,, fun fact even if we don’t talk as much as we used to I still love u sm and I hope you’re staying healthy and happy !! Meeting you was and still is one of the best highlights of my tumblr journey and I’ll always be grateful for your existence

To Gracie, writer of all things beautiful @sneezefiction

Gracie!! I hope you’ve been doing well since the last time we talked and that you’re enjoying the New Years to the fullest <3 You were also one of my earliest mutuals and I just wanted to say thank you for all the kindness you’ve shown me and for writing and sharing your works on tumblr. Sending love ! 💖

To the one and only angel, Yas @whipped-cream-writings

Yas bb we only became mutuals rather recently but I have sm love for you 🥺 Your kindness inspires me and your fics are the cutest things ever (pls,,, teach me how to write fluff ahfjfkka) Ilysm and I want to remind you that you’re so wonderful and amazing, sending you all my love for the upcoming year ahead !!

To Kay, who I will protect with my life @kayzume

Kay I don’t know how to even begin to put in words how glad I am to have met you in Lyra’s server,, you’re so sweet and you make me feel safe every time we talk. (Also THE DRAWINGS u made and shared with us,,, have I alr said ily bc ily and all that you do.) I know we haven’t chatted in a while but I’m sending you all my hugs and kithes always 💕💕💖

To mutuals I’ve interacted with some time during these months on tumblr and cherish a whole lot @taiyaaki @kageyuji @sophiawithstars @buddh-art @sa-suga @baeshijima @cherryonigiri @catharsisbabey @tris-does-stuff @tetsurolls @come-on-shitty-boys @iwas-angel @star-puff @voxamcris @azucanela @heartjime @miyafeuille @suikazura @deerixiie @hajiimes @skateme2yokohama @aliteama @yuujiya @omijime and many others but I think I hit the tagging limitajdhfka

Hi ily. You’re all such inspiring and talented individuals and while we may not interact frequently or know each other as well I wish we cld be ajfjjfa but I adore you all and I wish you an amazing New Year 🥺💖 (and if you ever want to talk, feel free to dm or smth! and I’ll try my best to be more active in popping into my mutual’s inboxes amhahshsj)

To the pillars of tumblr @sugardaddykenma @hina-wit-da-glock @nidaenk

You are all so special to me in that you are the reason I would wake up and get my butt on this hellsite and find so much fun and joy in the fandoms I enjoy - it’s not even the content you post but just,, your amazing and stellar personality and interactions with your followers and mutuals alike. Thank you for being a part of this weird space on the internet and I hope you are taking care and being kind to yourself, love u very much <33

[chittapornswife]

not to be weird but im @ lofeel and JAJSJDJ I LOVE YOUR DREAM DNYL CLUB SERIES SM!!!!!!!! literally it’s the no.1 fanfic ive read like Ever!!! i love it sm 😚🥰 my faves r dnyl club + a discontinued nct cam boy (jaehyun focused) and a random kai one but dnyl is miles ahead the other two 😩😩😩 i hope you’ve been doing well!! ik as a content creator (albeit editing photos is v diff from writing) it can be stressful esp as you get more messages abt your work bcos you become more conscious about it but please know anything you put out will be awesome!! ive read your other writing too and it’s all 10/10 immaculate!!!!!!!! (not that i am one to judge another’s work omg i hope that didn’t sound pretentious in any way!) sorry i know you didn’t expect an essay from rbing fruit but 😭 i saw my opportunity and took it! have a wonderful rest of your week!!

NOT WEIRD AT ALL!!! i’m actually super duper happy from this omg and just so unexpected??? your blog showed up in my recommended and i love following blogs for their aesthetics but to hear that you’ve read my work my mind is just 😳💥 i’m going to be finishing it off for this summer just bc i’ve been dragging it on for way too long now but thank you seriously so much!!!! 💗😭💗 you have no idea how much this means to me and you’re not being pretentious at all!! but pls spare details about your kai recommendation🙇🏻‍♀️ (since the jaehyun one is discontinued 😔) also for me I find it nice when ppl let me know what they liked to read and it’s a boost to remind me to keep writing! i’m v lazy and a procrastinator too and even though it may be stressful to think abt “i should rlly get back to dnyl club and my other unfinished fic” i know if i don’t get reminded or encouraged to then i’ll just never finish anything 😩 your words have made my whole month & a week and by that i mean june and july so seriously, thank you for all of the love you’ve sent and i’m sending even more to you!!! i was going to go through your acct today and queue some posts actually!! so it’s nice to meet you :’)) and pls!! i love essay msgs bc i talk a lot too as you can see by this above^ and always take ur opportunities!!! i’m really glad you sent this to the point where i can’t express it properly, i’m just smiling rlly wide irl rn but life is too short! so msging ppl who you miss or want to talk to is always a great thing, that way you don’t think “what if?” later on! okay sorry for going all mom-like on you😭 and judging by just this msg alone, you seem like a wonderful and incredibly kind person so i’m very glad i found your blog only for you to msg such lovely and kind words 🥺💗 from my rbing fruit LOL

have a wonderful rest of your week too!!! make sure to stay hydrated and i hope you have a lovely day too, thank you again💗♥️💗♥️💗♥️💗♥️💗

^the range of emotions i went thru while reading and rereading your msg

[unravelling-the-world]

random thoughts related to kagepro (tw for depression?? death?? suicide ?? implied ?? im not sure and idk what else read at ur own risk)

well idk lately ive been thinking a lot and ik ive uh always (? since i can remember?) have been depressed (i mean...it started around age 12...i dont really remember much before that. most of what i remember are bad moments anyways. or very specific scenes. but they dont feel mine. if that makes sense. its like remembering the scene from a movie.  back on track i guess idk well lately ive realized i actually kin some characters and lately ive...been relating a lot to shintaro kisaragi fromkagepro. i mean its ok. there´s always been that specific similarity in us (after all, how many characters in anime are as related to coca cola as shintaro //and me,,im literally a coca cola addict lmao// well anyways. after some days, this lead me to thinking...to a hidden memory within my brain, i guess. I remember introducing my then best friends, to kagepro. one told me haha he´s like u bc the coca cola!! and i think i just laughed and smiled? i truly didn´t see it? i was sad sure, but i couldnt really relate to him. after all, i was the leader of my own little group of 12 year old weebs,right? (i was also 12 btw) i didnt personally dislike shintaro but i didnt rly see myself in him yknow? also i have loved ayano from ever since i have memory so idk like she´s one of my biggest comfort characters and its weird bc if she was ´´real´´ idk if i could date her or anything but im just glad she exists bc it somehow comforts me a lot yeah anyways ayano essay for another time lol. anyways at this age my favorite characters in kagepro were ayano and konoha ( i still love them a lot) thing is, at this point in my life i didnt know/wasnt aware i was transgender but i already kinda liked he/him pronouns so i roleplayed a lot. online. i roleplayed as konoha obviously lmao and actually one of my irl friends related to shintaro ?? and i think we may have roleplayed lmao and stuff.... she even had a facebook account named shin hikkikomori or smth like that. anyways fast forward bc after being 12 a lot of stuff happened obviously. and none of that relates to kagepro until quite some time. i will mention some items that dont really relate to kagepro but marked moments in my friend group that may be relevant later on. Around 2016)? Some of my closest friends changed schools (but we kept contact) yet i still had a big group at school. But it got fragmented along the way. 2017 i went to Japan and formed a new, different friend group with people that even today, are dear to me. When i came back, my friend group fragmented more. I kept contact with other members of the old group but one on one, not as a group anymore. 2018 we graduated, and i broke up my realtionship with one of my former best friends (2016-2018) 2019 was a year of change, and even though i was afraid and shit got weird, i was not doing too bad. i will skip that. Well. Im sure we all know 2020 was a trainwreck, shit happened. i had a villain arc. I lost my shit,definetely. Ups, downs, whatever. 2021 has not been too different. However, even through everything, in early 2020, i kept close relationships with my friend group. as the year moved forward and the restrictions started lifting ( thank you government very cool <3 //ironically obviously, this is the reason this shit wont go away//) some of my friends saw each other irl and stuff, or talked about stuff i didn´t understand/didn´t want to hear while on discord. I felt alienated. I felt empty. I got mad at a friend for the first time, for something he said. I ended up isolating myself. A friend celebrated her birthday. She invited me and never excluded me, asked me a lot of things and asked to virtually include me. But that would just make me feel more alienated, wouldn´t it? I told her it was ok, i didn´t go. Honestly, I felt like a bother. I didn´t want to bother. I wasn´t okay, but i didn´t want to bother anyone, so i isolated myself. I had a very bad breakdown. lasted weeks. When I recovered, it wasn´t the same. It felt like everyone else was closer, while i drifted away. I kind of recconected with some of my friends from Japan after this. In the vacations, i felt like i reconnected with some friends just to drift away again later. However, i never could reconnect with one of my best friends. She never really got mad at me or anything ( i think) but we don´t really talk much anymore. We used to talk daily, be it actual talking, memes, anything. I don´t think we´ve actually talked in weeks. There´s nothing I can do. This year, another friend had a birthday, but I was so disconnected from everyone I didn´t even care. I mean. It´s all broken now, isn´t it? The other day I just started wondering. When did I start relating to Shintaro so much? I had always been like this, hadn´t I? Who am I, actually? Why do I relate so much now? It´s not just about the soda. I had lost friends before, but I never really felt like that. Sometimes I feel like I´ve lost everyone. In a one year span I became a hikkikomori. About a month ago, when I entered classes, I was recognized as Shintaro pfp and I admitted to kinning him to people i´d never talked to before (on chat) // I decided to go apeshit idc anymore about what anyone thinks of me// I had fun. I think I must´ve posted on my stories, because two different people told me they were the ene to my shintaro. I appreciated it. i mean it´s kinda true bc now that i´m only on the pc they do bother me online and try to get me to open up or get better but sometimes the just annoy me lmao but also not bc they all have their own particular lives and they all seem to be doing better than me. Still, my classmates are very nice and inclusive. But it´s not like im close to any of them I guess. I´m just alone now. I´m fucked up man....I don´t feel real anymore. I don´t really know who I am. I guess that´s why I find comfort in seeing a part of myself in Shintaro? But when did i turn out like this? Why didn´t I relate when I was younger? Well, I hadn´t really lost any friends back then. I now know how painful that is. How lonely it is to be alone even when there is people around. idk. and i´ve always been quiet. introverted. shy. a loser. yet now whenever i meet anyone i try to idk connect? but i cant. i wish i could be more evil. maybe it´d just be easier if everyone really, truly hated me. maybe i´d get the strength to actually kill myself then. it´s weird. i really see myself in route xx shintaro. I know that´s fucked up because I know how it ends. but truly, i was trying. I was healing, i think i was going somewhere. and i was trying to keep my newly formed renovated friend group together. I really was trying to. I didn´t mind if we had sub groups on the big group, but we were all there for each other. I tried my best. I felt like i belonged. but now im alone again. and this time there´s nothing i can do. if something, i´ve made it worse. and i keep making it worse. it´s weird. when i first got into kagepro, both shintaro and ayano felt like adults. i thought they were really, really big. im older than them now. now i know theyre not really adults. i get it. i still feel 18. after all, these last two years have been taken away from me. i didnt waste them myself this time.  i feel like a rotten 18 year old...when i listen to lost time memory, i just...get it. i always liked the song. i thought the story was so cool. when it first came out.. i still remember. iwas there. i waited for it. i loved it. i still do, but back then, i just saw it all as some really great and cool song. now i feel like i really, really get it. i love it even more. im hiding away in all my memories. but what is my true heart? what do i really want? i don´t know, i don´t know... If I'm 'wise' then, I can't face forward; I have no reason to so, I'll rot away instead It would be nice if time could be turned back. Years may pass but I'll never die I repeat hopeful words to myself, even though I know I still won't be able to reach you. "It doesn't matter, just die already!" I said as I clutched my wrist, simply cursing it. Unable to do anything, I merely indulged myself in life. "If summer can show me dreams, then let's go to before you were taken away" The days where I hid my embarrassment are illuminating upon the atmosphere and burning my mind. If I'm wishing for a dream that can't come true, then I'll embrace this blurry past and have a dream which I don't wake up from and naturally seclude myself from the outside world. "But that means you can't even see tomorrow?" I don't really care 'bout that, so it's ok I stained my hands in order to kill these boring days I'm choosing "solitude" after all A rotten boy at 18 today too, prayed again while clinging on to your colored smile Underneath the blazing sun Asking "Somehow, please take me away instead of leaving like this!" and my murmuring breath was quietly stopped

I guess i just wish someone could actually help me. take me out of this hole. Maybe some kind of closure would be nice. It´s not the same, though. I don´t have enough bravery in myself to actually kill myself. Mostly because of guilt. I can´t take the guilt of dissapointing everyone. I don´t want my parents to get hurt. I don´t want my bunny to miss me. Yet i wish everyday for it to be over. Lately, half of my dreams have been in Japan, with many friends, some who i met there, some who have never been there. Yet my brain shows me the dreams before it was all taken away. I think one of my favorite parts of the day is dreaming. I like to sleep simply because I dream. And i sleep very few. mayb bc i hate myself? I still barely indulge in life. I do anything to stay distracted. If i think, it all goes to shit. it all does. like now. Heh. it´s funny. I guess no one is truly my ene, because no one actually knows how mentally fucked up i got these past months. No one knows how badly i´ve been treating myself and how badly i´ve been doing. Still, i can´t tell anyone but scream it into the tumblr void. No one has to keep up with my shit. No one has to take care of me. After all, it was I who chose solitude. It was me who kept them away. But I don´t get a second choice. I don´t get a change of routes if things go sour. And i guess I don´t get to get a mentally fucked up friend group where I belong for a second time. Once was good enough, wasn´t it? I.. Even when I wasnt as deep as i am now (again) into kagepro, ive always wanted to die on August 15. It holds meaning to me now as well. Every year I used to ask people to go out with me that day. I know im not brave enough to kill myself. I always hoped for a lil miracle i guess. Last year was the first year...I didn´t do anything. I just... I just hope this year i can make it. I hope the miracle happens this year....I can only hope......its too late for me to be saved, isn´t it? I never thought it´d be like this. I don´t get closure. I don´t get goodbyes. I am left behind on a world that keeps moving. I am nothing.

[the-trth-untold]

now its ur turn. do all of the sweetheart asks.

god jsjsjhdjk im just letting u kno these answers r gonna be BORING but hhhh THANK U 

1. Talk about your first love.

i’ve never been in love, never been in a relationship before. BUT i can vaguely remember my first crush back in 2nd grade. all i can remember was that his name was kyle and he was the only boy who ever spoke to me and my brain just went !!! 

2. What’s the most beautiful song you’ve ever heard in your opinion?

Break My Heart Again - FINNEAS or What Was Our Love All About - Adrian Milanio and Marylou Villegas 

these are just two that i can think of there are A LOT of beautiful songs

3. How’s your heart feeling right now?

fine??

4. What kind of self care is your favorite to do?

i dont really do any self care things?? 

5. What’s your skincare routine?

i dont do any skincare routines either... ik im a monster

6. How did you get to be so beautiful?

u must be blind if u think that 

7. Do you have any stuffed animals?

i used to have over 50 stuffed animals, i would always place them all over my bed neatly but i got rid of them now :( 

8. Best trip you’ve ever been on?

Myrtle Beach, SC because it was my first vacation spot and i was so happy seeing two dolphins close to the shore

9. Favorite thing about your room?

the color of my walls and blankets lol mint green and peach colors

i dont have anything cool in my room

10. Opinion on love?

i mean, it’d be nice to experience it some day and i hope i do but right now im content being by myself

11. Are you affectionate?

if i know you very well i can be, if not im very awkward and will barely make any eye contact with you

12. Who do you look up to?

i look up to people who have struggled a lot in their life, people who can be optimistic in any situation

13. Favorite poet?

i dont read much poetry, but i loved reading some things Emily Dickinson has published

14. Song that makes you happy? How about one that calms you down when you’re in a bad place?

honestly any disney song makes me happy! im a huge disney nerd and listening to any of those songs makes me feel nostalgic.

when im in a bad place, any slow, ballad sounding song can calm me down

15. Do you play an instrument?

i played the flute in middle school but dropped it after less than a week LOL

16. Do you do art? Using what (pencil, watercolor, etc)?

i like doing digital art but im not good at it and i dont have adobe illustrator anymore so i haven’t done anything recently

17. Do you dance? What style of dance?

i cannot dance and no one will make me

IM TOO EMBARRASSED EVEN IF IM ALONE HAHAHA

18. What’s your zodiac sign? Do you believe in astrology?

im a libra

i somewhat believe in astrology, i know there’s more to it than just your sun sign and there are different placements that make you different from the stereotypical traits people use for each sign

a lot of the “things about each sign” can be used for anyone because the responses can be very vague and many people can relate to 

19. Favorite old film?

too many

the shining, the breakfast club, carrie, pretty in pink, etcetcetc

20. What’s your hairstyle?

idk its a mess

curly/wavy and i have hardcut bangs 

21. What weather is the most beautiful, in your opinion?

fall weather, where its like 50 F (or 10 C for all u weirdos out there), cold enough to put on a flannel and boots

22. What upsets you most about the world?

i only have two hands but there are so many cats and dogs. i cannot pet all of them. (IM SORRY THIS WAS UR ANSWER DASHA BUT IM KEEPING IT ITS SO CUTE AND FUNNY AND I RELATE)

23. Are you in love right now?

no

24. Do you have a crush? If so, talk about them!

i dont have a crush lol

25. Do you have pets? Talk about something sweet about them!

yes!!! i have two gorgeous puppies!!! if u wanna check them out u can follow my instagram i post them all the time @ the.moon.atomic

they’re such dorks but they fit my household idk how to describe it they just belong in my house hahha

26. Do you have a lucky number?

i dont really believe in lucky numbers 

27. Have you ever wished on a star? What about on a fallen eyelash?

no, and i never heard about wishing on a fallen eyelash haha

28. Do you believe emoji spells to work?

no???????? i dont even know what that is

29. Do you believe in magic in general?

no

30. What’s the most beautiful thing in life, In your opinion?

when people finally stop hiding their true selves, show their real smiles, and laugh so hard they snort 

idk i just love people, well, most anyway sjsjhzjdsk

31. Opinion on the color pink? What about baby blue?

love them 

theyre such pure colors and they just remind me of newborn babies hahaha

32. What instrumental sound is your favorite?

piano definitely

33. Do you like the sound of wind? What about the sound of rain?

yes! yes to both! i love rain more though, sorry wind

34. Who makes you happy?

my friends, family, and my mutuals 

35. What makes you happy?

listening to music

36. Imagine your ideal life, the life you wish to make, what will that look like?

ohh well i’d be living on germany for starters hahaha

id like to have my own house, maybe living with a best friend

definitely like 5784538902 cats and dogs, i love them 

at some point id like to have a relationship LOL

37. Do you wear makeup? If so what’s your favorite type of makeup or specific makeup product? Favorite store to buy makeup? 

only on rare days ill put on makeup, i only use eyeshadow, liner, and mascara and ive never gone to a store thats just for make up, i just go to a pharmacy lol

38. Do you wear dresses? If so what’s your favorite dress you own?

only if i absolutely have to, the dress i wore for my senior pictures is my favorite

39. Ever been heartbroken? How do you deal with it?

noo, ive never been in a relationship 

40. Who’s your closest friend? What do you love about them?

i kinda really dont have one, not irl anyway

@neo-bangtan @mini-pretzel are my closest friends online, i love everything about u guys

41. Introvert or extrovert?

introvert

42. Do you like MBTI? What’s your MBTI?

im isfj

43. Would you be a fairy, a mermaid, a vampire, a siren, or an angel?

uh idk?? i wouldnt want to be immortal so 

44. What’s the best song a friend has ever introduced to you?

acid jazz singer - the fratellis 

45. Parlez-vous français?

no my french sucks

46. Most beautiful place you’ve been to?

honestly i cant think of any place pennsylvania sucks ahhaha

47. Where/when do you truly feel at home?

home...... my bed...... LOL

48. Does smiling put you in a better mood? Try it right now, you’re smile is gorgeous!

only if im not looking at myself lol

49. Favorite shoe you own?

slip ons or my new balance 

50. Can you walk in stilettos? Do you like them?

N O i am so accident prone i can barely walk barefoot without tripping 

51. Do you feel loved?

kinda? sometimes?

52. How do you express love to those you care about?

just giving them a hug lol or saying i love you

53. Favorite term(s) of endearment?

no ones ever called me any but i like baby, im a simple girl 

54. Most romantic thing someone’s ever done for you?

nothing?

55. When is the happiest you’ve ever been?

meeting new people who share the same interests 

56. Are you happy right now?

im pretty neutral atm

57. What makes you smile?

really awful jokes that ARENT EVEN FUNNY AND TALKING DASHA AND KARINA 

58. Do you laugh a lot?

i guess??

59. What’s your favorite kind of aesthetic?

soft vibes i guess haha

60. Do you want to marry for love or for some other reason (like money)?

i dont see myself marrying but if i would it would definitely be for love

61. What would your dream wedding look like? Do you want to get married?

i dont really want to get married, most of the time it ends in divorce and theres just a lot of paper work and its a hassle i dont see a point in it 

62. Favorite flower?

hydrangeas 

63. Favorite artist?

edgar degas

64. Favorite music artist?

bts lol

65. How kind do you think you are? Is kindness important to you?

i try to be kind to everyone, i dont know if others perceive me that way but i think kindness is very important to me

66. Ever made a playlist for someone?

once and i loved it, pls ask me to make a playlist for u

67. Do you have anything you do to physically comfort you when your sad? Such as a favorite blanket? Or a relaxing bath?

music and a soft blanket 

68. Early bird or night owl?

early bird

69. Morning routine?

wake up, look in the mirror, look away from the mirror, go back to bed. (AGAIN THIS IS UR ANSWER DASHA BUT IM KEEPING IT HHAHAHAHA)

70. Night routine?

shower and watch netflix until i fall asleep

71. What is the most lovely quality a person could have in your opinion?

being humble

72. Do you cry often? Does crying help you get the emotions out? Do you feel better after?

yes yes and yes

im such a cry baby i will cry at everything if u yell at me or if disappoint u im so sensitive 

73. Do you like hugs?

yes but i dont receive many hugs

74. When was the last time you kissed someone?

never

75. Are you small or tall?

small, 5′4 or 164cm

76. Do you like wholesome memes?

who doesnt

77. Favorite thing about the past?

anything that makes me feel nostalgic 

78. Do you ever wonder about the future?

yes

79. Have you ever lived in a different country than you currently live in?

nooo

80. Do you like plane flights? Airports?

ive never been on a plane

81. Sunrises or sunsets?

sunsets

82. The beach or a forest?

beach

83. What time of day do you tend to be in the best mood?

when im sleeping lol

84. Do you push yourself to act together and in a good mood even when you aren’t?

i try to 

85. Favorite kind of tree?

what kind of question is this i dont know anything about trees

86. Do you care about the health of the Earth?

i want to but i dont do anything for it

87. What did you like most about your childhood, if anything?

fieldtrips in school

88. Do you read a lot? What’s your favorite book?

i try to read more, my favorite book is more happy than not 

89. What are you most nostalgic for at the moment?

disney, i just put my christmas tree down and the ornaments are disney characters

90. What’s your favorite personality trait you have?

honesty i guess?

91. List at least ONE thing you love about your appearance.

my eyes

92. When was the last time you truly felt calm, without much of anything to worry about?

after i bathe 

93. Do you worry a lot?

yes all the time

94. The dazzling lights of the city or the relaxing countryside?

dazzling lights of the city

95. Ever changed the shoelaces on one of your shoes? For what reason?

no 

96. Favorite pastry?

??????????? i dont know??????????

97. Do you like doing little acts of kindness?

YEAH

98. How’s your day/night going?

fine so far, i dont have to work today so im just chillaxing 

[i-want-to-be-manhandled]

more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question

so i’m writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of y’all to relate and i’m already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, i’ve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender. 

tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (don’t read this if you know me irl and haven’t personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause we’re talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (i’ll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything

so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. there’s a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so she’ll try to find me somewhere else to go if they don’t take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i don’t miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and i’ve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)

pros:

voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice is “always squeaky” according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk that’s just the tea. 

i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think i’d rather be a solid tenor because that’s the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl

side note apparently a lot of trans guys have male “internal voices” but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because i’m a very literal person and that’s why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that i’m trans at all... that’s dumb af i know it’s just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl

more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew i’d see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so i’m at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro

bottom growth. ik it’s still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but i’d have... something? that would be nice. 

side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just haven’t figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that

NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS

if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself

fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i don’t care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems

having a more angular face. doesn’t happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didn’t even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.

veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know

lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right

neutrals:

facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but i’ve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh i’m never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion

body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but i’m a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao

hair loss at temples. i just don’t care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*

scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i don’t really care what i smell like as long as i don’t smell like a dumpster fire? i shower it’s fine lmao

rougher skin? i dont know if i’d like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so

acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and don’t really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? it’s an annoyance but not really a con

cons:

increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasn’t been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i can’t get off unless i’m completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con

emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i don’t need it made worse. it’ll fuck my life up for real

increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do

so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and what’s more, all of the cons are things that don’t have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?

the main reason i’m hesitant is i’m afraid i’ll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasn’t a crew neck and one guy saying he’d rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope he’s grown the fuck up!! i’m not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention i’ve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless we’re counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didn’t say “i’m not a girl” until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didn’t fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didn’t know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i don’t get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isn’t likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was “gender neutral” and didn’t rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didn’t have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasn’t true. so what the hell am i waiting for.

like i know i shouldn’t be doubting at this point because it’s so, so obvious that i’m trans. just because i didn’t try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didn’t have a penis doesn’t mean i’m not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldn’t say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didn’t have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarah’s house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence “is this what i’m supposed to be like?” and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how “androgynous” (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer i’d ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the “guy” in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my “angular” figure and jaw,  and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked very “queer” (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally went “hmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look like” and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasn’t a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so i’d be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldn’t imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because i’m 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldn’t figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was “that is not my body,” and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldn’t ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for

seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinking “that doesn’t look like me,” and i was 13 and looking in the mirror saying “that doesn’t look like me,” and i went through all of my adolescence waiting for “puberty to turn me into a girl” and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i can’t believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of “normal girl” so i wouldn’t get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking “puberty hasn’t turned me into a girl yet” and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasn’t a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasn’t going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now i’m 19 and don’t leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and i’d wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao).  like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldn’t question them for a second. but because it’s me and i’m like “what if i’m transwashing my memories? what if i’m gaslighting myself?” i’m still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that they’re trans. tell me it’s okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me it’s okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though it’s okay if i DO decide to detransition and it’s so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.

if you read this all the way to the end here’s an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i can’t even blame substances for this behavior 

[youryuri-x]

₍ᐢ. ̞.ᐢ₎ ʕ•̫͡•ʔ ₍ᐢ._.ᐢ₎ ᐢ..ᐢ

Today has been up and down

Up and down up and down. It hasn't stopped. Not since morning...all i wanted was for you to have the best birthday.for you to be happy on your birthday. I wished and I manifested. And I'm so so happy to hear have had the the happy birthday you deserve.

Aw you looked so cute today...your birthday sash that was completely adorable on you and odlysuited you really well...i thought you looked so so good in it...every day I look at you.

Hehe you really did look like 'the king of the day' , or whatever it said on that sash...

I take a moment (it many) to take in your beauty. I'm always shocked at how much of an immense amount of beauty you posses...its like every day your beauty gets more and more ethereal...

You always just radiate this aura that attracts me so much...whether it's through your beauty or through anything you do...its just wow.

And today your aura was such a beautiful one. It was almost like you were glowing with the birthday fever of happiness and excitement, and as soon as you were in my presence I felt it too.

Seeing your 15 year old self for the first time was....wow.i

was feeling pretty on edge so when you came over to me as calm and as loving and cuddly as ever it made me so happy. That you stiw had time for me on your special day...it was such a huge comfort for me that you still cared about me even though it was your day...your perfect your perfect your perfect...

I said happy birthday to you and then you said it back hehe. It was rly cute and gave off the kinda clumsy almost shy vibes.... I've never seen that vibe comimg from you before...or maybe it was just me that noticed that.

But yes the highlight of my day personally was that moment.when you came over to me excited and in a lil clumsy shy tizz, and I told you happy birthday and you said it back to me. That was one of the most cute things I've ever seen you do irl...i wanna hear you do it again....

The rest of that lesson, which was English went by.

I got the plesure of being able to look at my birthday boy being happy out of the corner of my eye while trying to write something down about lady macbeth or whatever.but ngl I was definitely more focused on you.

English is that lesson of the day where I can look at your side profile for 50 minutes streight. And I love your side profile just watching you talk to someone or look at the bird or my personal favourite thing to watch is you running your hands through your hair, and from the side I get the best veiw.

I swear most of what I do in English is watch you like your something very very interesting on the TV lol.

But your side profile...its like a ethereal painting of an angel...so beautiful...and also kinds hot at the same time...

But yes you are compleatly mesmerising to watch...so interesting...i physically can't take my eyes off you.

I try and look somewhere else but my eyes wonder their gazr to look back at you. And I don't blame them. Your beautiful so beautiful. My eyes just can't miss such beauty.theh are drawn to your beauty like a moth to a flame...

Sorry if I sound creepy...i probably am..its just that my eyes can't stop looking at you...

You make English lessons such a treat to my eyes..and to my imagination. My current favourite fantasy is of me biting your neck like some sort of vampire lol >~<

I can't help thinking it. Ik it probably sounds weird but your neck just seems to be calling me to take a lil bite.... (sorry im weird asf)

But then the bell rang desrupting my vampire ass fantasies and snapping me back into the real world where I needed to get to physics, and biting your neck unfortunately wasn't my main concern...

Pysics...

I got to the class sat down and..wellt thought about you ngl. Just in a general way. Panicked that everyone else had got you better stuff for your birthday, and that I haddnt done enough, since I was the one with the honour of being your girlfriend.

And I mean your basically a god so it's a pretty big honor...

I between these thoughts I was doing the actual work that needed doing, and turning round to cheak the clock despite having a watch on.

Anything to see a glimpse of you, the light of my life in a dull 50 minute gray morbidity that is also known as Pysics.

The main event in physics was when you walked to the front of the class, allowing my eyes to take in your whole immage. I basically held by breath and just focused on you till I started subconsciously fiddling with my stapler again and gazing at you, basically drooling under my mask and then...

I stapled my mf finger. Your mf beautiful self made me staple my finger. It diddnt really hurt, until it started pissing out blood. I put a plaster on it and it was fine, but it shows how much of a klutz I am, and also how much of a sucker for you I also am...

Then it was breaktime. I gave you your present, and told you not to open it in front of me. Ngl it was a selfish asf thing to say...i was really self conscious...beacuse I knew everyone had got you great presents, especially after you told me that naci had made such an effort for you...

[Ngl I envy naci. She what I want to look like. Be like. I mean she has my old best friend and knows you I should stop lol. But just if your ever reading this, I've been envious of her ever since I've first saw her. Life isn't fair why can't I look like her?! I swear you'd be with her if I wasn't there...shes just wow. I wanna me her yknow lol? 🥺😩😩]

But yes I was really self conscious, and feeling in my full on jelous moody people hate mood, especially for the people who you were friends with...

It was probably down to the 3 hours of sleep I'd been getting for the last week each night, and the fact I'd been on the edge. But I feel really bad for saying that... I should have just lrt you open them...

Ngl I wish I'd have been able to see you put on a smile when you opened it. Put on the bracelet I made for you...too late now, but ig this will be a lesson to future me...

I swear allot of the time I use these blogs for getting better. Like being better to you cuz I read through my mistakes and I try to be better. That's why I'm making a note of these things lol.

Then I went with Angel beacuse I knew if I stuck around I could be a harard, being a jelous sleep deprived slightly Yandere aspie girl, I just decided to remove myself, cuz I was feeling like a big angry self concous raincloud and wanted to stay out of your way to give you the best day possible lol.

So then it was biology a lesson of looking at your extreamly attractive back profile....

And half listening to miss heart go on about the heart, ofc. All i knew was my heart circulates my blood around my body for you. Cuz your the one who makes it beat. And you make it beat fast.

I was watching you..ehehe I sound creepy. I pretty much am ngl. Sorry...i don't wanna make you uncomfy but I csnt help it.

I usually see you and fin pissing about during bio, but this time you squeezed his thigh. It made me pretty angry. That you would do this in my full view. It made me god damn angry, ngl. I mf wanted to lean over the best and squeeze your thigh, just so you'd know I'd seen. But ofc I diddnt do that. I'm too introverted. Doesn't stop me from getting angry and kinda hurt about it.

I mean im usually pretty sensitive about stuff like that. When your too close to someone when you know I'm around, watching or could see it. I try and egnore it with you and Sam. I don't like being angry and sensitive, especially not to you.

But sometimes it feels like I need to set some boundaries. Cuz you clearly dont see that there are boundaries of getting a lil too close to someone in the full view of your jelous asf possessive gf!!

Despite her not saying a word about it ever to you, trying to hint it to you, hoping you'd look back on these times and realise how they make me feel you haven't stopped. Ngl it doesn't bother me in the long term at all. I've got used to it. I got used to it with Sam pretty quick. But I always feel a lil uneasy when your too close for comfort or too flirty with someone else where I can see it even if it is just for a joke.

It makes me more uncomfortable becuase then it's like wtf are you like behind my back? If you think it's ok to do that in front of me? Everytime I think about I start crying ngl tears and all. I like to think I'm special to you and get special treatment I have no idea tho.

Your a charming guy with little boundaries. I don't expect much loyalty...i don't need loyalty I just your affection and love . Sorry for mentioning this if you ever see this pls think over what I've said.

That type of stuff really hurts me. When you do it in front of my eyes the thought thya your doing worse behind my back, even if it isn't serious, even if it's just for a joke.

I'm a sensitive little shit in reality, and I actually cried over your Instagram post becuase my insecure selfish ass was getting uncomfortable abt the video of you and naci >~<

Idk it just diddnt sit right with me that you put it on your ig where I could see. Idk if your seeing what I mean. Put yourself in my shoes about it...

But yes sorry.

Bio ended at it was lunch. I tried sitting with the group and it drained me I needed dto be be somewhere else where I could sink into the world of my mind, and the way I do that is through tumblr. Making sense and note of the things in my head.

I sat by jake. We diddnt really talk there was no need neither us us wanted a conversation I just felt comfortable cuz I knew I wasn't comoleatly alone. Jake was there so I spent lunch manifesting you a happy birthday. Obsessing over you and getting jelous. Being pulled into short depressive random states

Thinking about you. Listening to a capella ariana grande until I felt selfish enough to crawl back into people territory, to get some attention. I wasn't quite on jakes level yet I still needed some degree of people. I pushed down all my negative emotions and watched you lie on the grass for a few minutes, before you went, left me and I cried, becuase my self worth had randomly dropped, and I was thinking about the whole thing I explained earlier. I put on a smile and no one noticed. It made me feel numb. But then I saw how much fun you were having and was happy for the rest of the day, had an emotional high during French cuz I knew you were happy and that's all that mattered.

It was end of the day and time to get on the bus. One of the busses had crashed into my grandads car, the embarrasment of the family (according to my mum) and everyone was talking abt it lol.

I talked to a year 9 who knew kally and ened up giving me a hot spot so I could text you. I heard you liked what I'd got you so I ended on a possitive note.

I did two hours studding with my mum and did an orp with you. I was a lil off then tho I'm so sorry. I'm selfish. So selfish. But I gotta tell you how I feel. I can't hold it in anymore. What I've explained here is the only thing I'll shit talk you for

But yes. I' You've had the birthday you deserve. The birthday you really deserve and it makes m e feel so happy that you've got that. You've finally seen how much you matter to people. How many friends you have. How many people like and love you and I'm so glad you've seen that. Seen the amazing person you are x

. Sorry for being a whiny bitch. In a way I almost hope you see this...

But yes for one last time happy birthday my love x

[wonderalwaysland]

Hey, I miss you

You know, what, even tho I started this blog for myself and thought maybe I want ppl to discover it, now I just feel like it’ll become a place where I write letters to you, Dream Boy(actually I find it cringy to call u that all the time, so I’ll just address u as you, as I think one day u might read all these posts, at least I hope so).

I just wanted to talk to you, so I felt like writing this. Actually I talk to  u in my mind as well, not sure tho, if it’s u who replies(ik it’s def me haha but still) I mean I just imagine what u would have replied, even tho idk you yet. But somehow I feel that I know you partly, ig we have something in common after all. There are so many things I’d like to share with u, my little discoveries, songs, feelings etc. And I hope u’d do the same one day. So now having no other way to connect to u other than in my mind and maybe dreams sometimes, I’m writing this letter to you. Btw sometimes I can really feel u beside me, it’s really a strange feeling, but I like it, and sometimes when I think about u or feel u my heart gets warm, I’ve never felt this way before. However I get this feeling rarely this days, compared to before.  I guess it’s because at that time I really needed ur help and support, now not as much, I feel like I’ve become stronger. Thank you for being there for me from the start of this year(it’s around that time I knew u r for real, tho I still have doubts about who u are, not that it matters, I still love u). In my mind or daydreams(?) we’ve been supporting each other, mainly just by being together, sometimes with words too. Actually we had fights too! haha But we are still together as u can see. One day when we meet and become really close, even when we have fights I hope we still will be together. You know, I imagined that we were lying on the bed(even tho we had a fight, I’ll tell u the reason later a bit)and u were holding my arm in urs two. Even though we both felt bitter and sad we couldn’t turn our backs on each other. I thought it was really touching and cute(?). You are dear to me and mean a lot for me, I can’t help but love u actually. And I really don’t want us to hurt each other’s feelings, but it can’t be helped sometimes. However that what makes our relationship grow, even though it hasn’t really started yet. No matter what I hope we will convey our feelings and try understanding each other. Really, I love you, I have never had this strong feeling before, it’s weird for me. I think my love for u is sth that has always been there (is what I want to say, but honestly I’m not sure about it). But I love you now, somewhere deep inside me. But it won’t stop me from doing the things I want to irl while we haven’t met yet. I’’ll be enjoying my life to the fullest(well, to the fullest in my understanding, not sure how full it is in other ppl’s minds). Currently I’m trying to leave my comfort zone for real, step by step, I hope I succeed. And till our meeting I’ll use u as my inspiration as I have many projects I’d like to do. I wrote 2 songs about u actually! but I haven’t composed a melody yet. I’ll take my time with it, but I have an idea of what it’ll sound like ig.

So, the thing I wanted to tell is that these days have been tough n sad a bit. But I feel better rn. I haven’t been feeling like drawing, or I was but I was busy and when I didn’t draw i felt bad about myself ugh. But them I reminded that I don’t have to worry about it and just enjoy my life and current moment. Sometimes I forget that, it’s tough to remember that all the time plus really realizing it takes time too. I gotta be easier on myself. I also wanted to go to a gig in Moscow but I couldn’t find a band that I like or that plays the songs that I like ;( And u know, I recently became friends with Sam. We are exchanging e-mails currently and we had a little falling out ig not sure what to call it tbh. So he’s really kind n sweet, I am happy to have him as a friend. But then I think he was daydreaming a bit too much and used lots of endearments in the mail, so I was conflicted. I def want to be friends with him, but what if he thought of it more than that is what I thought(and it made me sad), and then there is u. Ofc I thought for a bit that he might be u, but I know he isn’t, I’m sure of it somehow. And that was one of the reasons we had a fight with u. So in the end I told him what I thought about endearments and stuff, and I was relieved, I am kind of proud for myself for doing it. But he assured me that we are totally friends, but somehow he was sad for making me feel uncomfortable, it made me sad too actually. But it seems all is better now, he is really a good fellow n he had rough times, so he needs a friend and I am glad to be one for him, I actually need friends too. That’s funny how I have several internet friends and no friends in real life, but I have my cousins and sis, so it’s not that bad plus we’ve become closer, I can’t be happier about that(I can actually lol). But I hope to find some other friends too. Another sad thing was that I was feeling unsure of myself about getting a part-time job, just thinking too much about future, it really makes me worry more than I should. So I say to myself ENJOY CURRENT MOMENT AND tODAY, no overthinking about future, i feel better somehow. 

Yesterday mum and bro returned from football match, and Phil was sad, because my told he’ll quit football now as he doesn’t work enough and isn’t hard-working n stuff. *sigh* Well, my mum is just like this, she wants us to put all our effort n mind into a thing. It’s not really bad but from my experience I can say it’s tough. So I feel sad for my brother. Plus my parents are too much sometimes, dunno how to explain it tbh and it’s not like I wanna think about it rn. But they care and love us in their own way? I just felt deja vu rn haha.

So that’s what i wanted to say here ig. I like thinking about u. I don’t wanna idealize u and I don’t actually, but I feel so much love for u and sometimes when I think about it too much I don’t know what to do. But I often kiss n hug u and just enjoy ur presence <3 xoxoxoxoxoxoxxoxoxoxoxoxoxo haha

Sometimes when I can;t fall asleep I imagine lying or hugging u, whatever it feels like at the moment and i fall asleep rather fast. I’ve told u that already but I want to share many things with u, so I often(or not rlly?) talk to u and we are happy or sad together, sometimes u also come to me sad or happy n we feel the same. And I create stories (which I wish to draw\write\animate someday) n usually we are there too! I hope u like fantasy, magic n fairy tales as much as I do. ALright, I gotta finish this letter, I’ll share some songs now. Aslo sometimes I listen to sings and it seems to me u might like them too, but I have no idea rn haha. I love you <3<3<3

[caratau]

Dad! Seungcheol.

y’all ever watched Cheaper By The Dozen?

S. Coups is basically the Dad.

raising 12 kids irl but i’d see him with a good 4 or 6

dominantly boys 

speaking of babies i read on a wattpad comment a million years ago that if theres a dominant amount of sons then that means the dad’s got a big willy and if there’s more girls then its small.

just a fact but idk if its bs so don't rely on me oK I WAS 13 MY INNOCENT (LMAO BIH WHERE) WAS TAINTED AND IDK IF ITS REAL BUT YEAH BACK TO PAPA COUPS.

but yeah like mostly boys for kids and then

hear this

his youngest is a little girl

this bewildered dad man and his three boys watch this little angel in amusement ok it was unexpected asf seen as papa coups and momma coups decided to keep the gender a surprise like hOW I HAVE THE PATIENCE OF A CHIPMUNK I GOTTA KNOW WHAT MY CHILD IS

im also not one who differentiates between genders :)

and that is how papa coups rolls too

hold up before we go onto the life lets go a trip down memory lane from the first boy

momma coups is a worry wart

like

she's calm and shit but like??? a baby??? she trusts papa coups but like, he’s only ever been a father to 12 teenagers and young adults???

how dis gonna work out??

and so the journey begins

not really lmao coups had to buy a personalised ‘Daddy Coups’ barbecue apron to make it official.

woozi did not approve

nor did momma coups

that apron became a scarring nightmare in those kids lives as teenagers for friendly barbecues imma tell ya that now

# prayforthechoi’s

but yeah back to the pregnancy i derail hella fast

will also buy a t-shirt with ‘daddy coups’ lmao momma coUPS HAS HAD IT

she burns it in a fit of raging hormones

poor ol’ cheol doesnt let the underlying dislike of these raging hormones show

woozi is high fiving momma coups in the bg.

do they have regrets?

being connected to cheol yeah they do

jk jk  they both love him

but yeAH 

he’ll be a wreck at the ultrasounds

not really a wreck

like

he’ll be all nervous and I'm picturing it now; momma coups’ hand is clutched between his and he keeps the back of it near his lips and he’ll kiss it every few seconds and ik it’s weird but like its a type of reassurance to him aND momma coups as if to say that everything ok bc they just have a fear of losing it and I'm going really sensitive I'm sorry

cheol’s eyes water y’all I'm crying inside

he sees a blob, with help from the nurse, and he just breaks down bc he made that blob y’all.

he made it

and throughout that whole break down, he realises its all real and fuCK he’s gonna be raising a child from biRTH, not from teenage years like he did with svt.

and he's just so happy from there on

honestly theres changes of him in interviews and v lives and all and everyone just loves it

will sO be the dad to take bump pics aW MY ACHEY BREAKY HEART FUCK

will do a montage

he’ll make a pinterest just for nursery ideas bc he’s gonNA BE A DAD

WHAT TYPE OF DAD WOULD CHEOL BE IF HE DIDNT BE A PARTICIPATING FATHER FROM THE START

a participating father does diy

it surprisingly goes well

momma coups is impressed

she invites jeonghan over in hopes to watch coups suffer but the two end up stood at the door of the nursery with teas in their hands and they're just admiring the man that probably keep them sane through different points of their lives

speaking about some of svt, they consider you as their momma coups (jeonghan is shaking) 

so when y’all tell the svt kids you're expecting an actual child, the room basically has an earthquake

hug here, hug there, may god help momma and papa coups bc they were being squished 

and then at the baby shower, cheol insisted that his sons be invited bc they're the life of the party

and its true

they are

Seungkwan does a lot of karaoke

but on a stage

and to people

he does some trot

thats when it gets lit

seokmin and soonyoung take over whilst seungkwan pulls vernon over for a slow dance to a song they're screaming to???

meh its svt ok they jam to anything and everything

i forgot to mention that since coups wasn't really so prepared for a bABY (teenagers and young adults aren't a default approach to fathering, ya gotta raise them from birth) he and momma coups are a regular attendee of birthing classes

just so he can be prepared

the classes were more for him than momma coups

she gets bored really easily

tiredness is a symptom of a pregnancy

anyWAY

night of the birth

2:36am is the dreaded time

although seungcheol was half dead bc damn dads need sleep too, dude’s still able to grab the hospital bags, slip shoes on, get the car keys and make it out of the house in record time and into the car

when they get to the hospital, cheol is talking at 100 miles a minute to two phones (maternal and paternal parents) of how the births happening

next is the svt kids

theres a lot of screaming over the speaker but it doesnt beat your scream when you went through a sudden contraction

and that was the beginning of the long ass birth of your first son

we’re at the fourth child

a daughter

a tulip

a little princess for the family to adore

no one expected it, as i said at the beginning

momma coups that she was doomed with boys but nah, theres still hope

from the day of the birth, papa coups has his boys, ages 7, 5 and 3 stand in a line in the hospital room as if they were in the military.

momma coups is cackling in her bed as she holds princess coups.

“boys, we’re now in a default mission.” 3 year old coups struggles a bit with balance and don't even expect concentration from him. baby looks away from papa coups for a sec 

“3rd son coups, look at me please-”

“3rd son coups, where are you going-”

“i demand the presence of 3rd son coups”

lmao 3rd son coups goes to sit with momma coups on the big hospital bed aw aw he pokes princess coups’ hand

“pwincess coups?” he asks momma coups with those starry eyes (coups genetics are amazing)

“princess coups, baby.” momma coups answers back and the whole family just gathers near the bed. 

“she's a diamond, boys, we gotta make sure no one tries to break or steal her, thats all i ask of you”

“yes dad”

theres even a response from 3rd son coups anD MY HEART IS HURTING FUCKING SHIT IM SUCH DOMESTIC TRASH I GOTTA MAKE 12 MORE OF THESE IM GONNA DIE OF HEART ACHE

cheol will piggyback the kids all day errday YGM

piggyback to brush teeth, piggyback for breakfast agh

everything is also almost like a military operation

this is where cheaper by the dozen tropes come in ok

i wouldn't say that cheol is a competitive person but if someone makes their family (*cough* jeonghan *cough*) out to be better than everyone else then its war

theres also summer trips to a lakehouse w the rest of svt and their families and my heart is hurting more now

but yeah

this is where the ‘daddy coups’ apron comes out.

did i forget to mention that princess coups has a small crush on woozi’s kid

this is when they're like 14 ok

they're both fucking shy too 

ofc cheol knows

instead of being protective, he pROVOKES IT AND OMF ‘DAD CAN YOU STOP WE GET IT’

princess coups isn't the biggest fan of her dads antics

still loves him as a dad tho

lmao his plan acc works tho like woozis kid and princess coups go on dates (both woozi and cheol chaperone lmao it ends up as a dads meeting)

OOH OOH (ooh aah I'm sorry oops)

CHEOL’S THE DAD TO STALK HIS KIDS DATES

will be the dad to make a mountain out of a mole hill over his kids dreams and damn i want cheol as a dad i feel as if very morning would be ‘CHASE YOUR DREAMS OK DONT LET ANYTHING HOLD YOU BACK’

would drive you where you needed to for these dreams

soccer games for boys, hell soccer games for the girl too she's grown in a practically all boys household

cheol doesnt degrade it tho

oh yeah all the boys are taught to be respectful towards women but the full on lessons go on at the hong’s.

coups pays joshua in the form of a future son-in-law for one of his little girls

joshua acc slaps coups i lAF

“if i see any of your boys near my princesses, choi, you're dead :))))))”

coups doesnt take it the wrong way bc its understandable?? but also not bc he trusts his kids to not make the wrong decisions

will be an emotional wreck at graduations

will also be the dad to scream their kids name at the graduation too

lmao my brother did that for my sister at hers but it failed terribly

people also had competitions at my brother’s graduation as to who could shout their graduate relatives name the loudest and ngl it was lit

but yeAH

will basically be dead at the kids weddings bC FUCK HIS KID HAVE GROWN UP WTF DID THE TIME GO

princess coups marries woozis kid btw lmao woozi regrets his whole life as cheol drunkenly cries on his shoulder at the reception

is not ready to let his kids go off into the real world but knows that he prepared them enough to be ready

or isn't he sure?? 

“princESS COUPS COME BACK HERE IM NOT DONE RAISING YOU”

BUT YEAH thats the end of dad! seungcheol i hope you enjoyed my first post :) expect some of these coming dad au’s to also be angsty bc I'm an emotional wreck like that :))))

byeeeee