#bros being bros and doing totally straight bro things

[tgcg]

an open fly walking

i didnt like this one but i thought id finally air it out since its been sat in my folders for months now

TG: hey karkat

CG: YEAH?

===

TG: you ever noticed you like

TG: walk weird

CG: WOW, OKAY.

CG: HAVE *YOU* EVER NOTICED THAT I DON'T GIVE A SHIT?

TG: pff

===

TG: no listen because i got my ears scoping that shit im like a scouter for dude activity

TG: ok maybe me mentioning it to you is gonna fuck up your ecosystem or something but

TG: you have the heaviest feet of the century man

CG: I DO???

TG: just thrust them straight down into the ground like youre trying to homebrew a san andreas fault

TG: viciously tamping on tectonic plates hoping for top score on the richter scale

TG: waging war against solid particles and the basic flow of gravity

TG: i could ID those footfalls out of a million i mean it

CG: SERIOUSLY?

===

TG: i mean theres nothing wrong with it but

TG: yeah

CG: I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU'RE FUCKING WITH ME RIGHT NOW.

TG: im not fucking with you striders honor

TG: when have i ever lied to anybody about anything

CG: NOT UNPACKING THAT QUESTION WITH YOU TODAY.

CG: BUT SHIT, HOLD ON. LET ME SEE.

TG: yeah take the umbrella go over there and just walk to me

CG: ON IT.

===

===

TG: see you just kinda slam em straight down dude

CG: THIS IS THE WORST DAY OF MY RIOTOUS FUCKING JOKE OF A LIFE.

TG: dont your feet ache

===

CG: MOOT POINT. THIS MIGHT SOUND INSANE BUT I'VE ACTUALLY HAD MY STRUT PODS FOR A WHILE. ANY KIND OF PAIN THIS WOULD'VE BEEN CAUSING WOULD BE TOTALLY FILTERED OUT OF MY SPONGE BY NOW AS BACKGROUND NOISE.

TG: damn i didnt think that through

TG: my shades

CG: ALRIGHT, GET BACK UNDER THE SHITTING UMBRELLA AND THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU'VE DONE TO ME.

TG: look ive fucked myself over here too i dont have shit to clean these with

TG: ugh

===

TG: guess its karma

CG: HOLY FUCK. HOW DID I NEVER NOTICE THIS BEFORE?

TG: i dunno but im gonna assume having a dad thats a literal crab monster is probably a contributing factor

TG: im guessing thats not a great role model for this kinda thing

TG: just conjecture i mean

CG: YOUR ENVY IS OVERWHELMINGLY OBVIOUS DAVE. AS A DISCLAIMER, HE WOULD'VE ABSOLUTELY KICKED YOUR ASS.

TG: yeah probably

CG: THAT'S PRETTY MUCH ALL THERE IS TO SAY ON THE MATTER.

===

TG: but see bro had me stringent on feather feets

TG: i bet i could slip across a bike horn warehouse with nary a fucking toot

CG: HAHA. ASSUMING YOU DON'T MAKE A TOTAL ASS OF YOURSELF, AS PER USUAL.

CG: IF YOU WEREN'T CONSTANTLY RUNNING YOUR GASH ABOUT EVERYTHING AND BEING AN INIMITABLE CLOWN I SERIOUSLY THINK YOU COULD BE ON PAR WITH YOUR CUSTODIAN.

CG: THAT IS A MONUMENTAL "IF".

TG: well look at it this way

TG: im basically doing you all a favor by being a dumbass

TG: never gonna get caught off guard by the bozo patrol

CG: WOW. GOOD POINT.

===

TG: also screw this can i use your shirt

TG: this stupid hoodie is just smudging my lenses up

TG: i cant see dick

CG: UH

CG: SURE, I GUESS.

TG: cool

===

TG: so yeah i could be prowling around like a goddamn verbal assassin sniping convos left and right

TG: but no ive got the decency to go bunp in the night

CG: YEAH.

CG: IT'S DEFINITELY COMPOUNDED BY THE CONSTANT INANE RAMBLINGS.

CG: BUT

CG: IT'S ACTUALLY PRETTY RELAXING, Y'KNOW? IT HAS ITS OWN RHYTHM.

TG: see yeah i sound it off and

===

TG: wait really?

CG: YEAH

CG: I DON'T KNOW

CG: FUCK. HOW DO I EXPLAIN THIS WITHOUT WANTING TO CRAM MY FROND DOWN MY PROTEIN CHUTE.

===

CG: IT'S LIKE

CG: A SALVE FOR MY AGGRAVATION SPONGE.

CG: YOUR VOICE IS THE HUMAN EQUIVALENT OF ASPIRIN.

TG: uh damn karkat hold your hoofbeasts i was talking about the rhythm thing

CG: ALRIGHT, THAT'S IT. I'M TAKING US BOTH THE FUCK OUT RIGHT NOW. YOU HAVE REACHED THE BAD END OF THIS CONVERSATION.

TG: you think thatd be heroic or just

CG: IF I WAS STILL GHOSTING AROUND THE RUINS OF SGRUB'S ARCANE FRIGGIN GAME SYSTEMS, THE COMPLETE LACK OF SHIT AFOOT NOWADAYS WOULD BORE ME TO DEATH.

CG: LIKE. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME OUR THERMAL HULL LEVELLED UP, DAVE?

TG: hah

===

TG: but uh

TG: i mean we had aspirin on earth

CG: NO, NUMBNUBS.

CG: I'M SAYING YOU ARE MY ASPIRIN.

TG: oh

CG: YEAH, TAKE THAT TO THE BANK AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR 20-KARAT ASS.

===

TG: heh

TG: well get this

TG: i will literally talk at you forever for free

TG: you got lifetime priority seating for the davealogues

TG: never gotta go to the drugstore again you can just get doped up on my dulcet tones for the rest of time

TG: take that and some of this

TG: im packin punches

CG: OW, FUCK! NO! MY MIGRAINES!

CG: SWEEPS OF VEINCLOTTING AND NERVEFRAYING DOWN THE FUCKING GAPER. BECAUSE OF YOU.

CG: YOU ASSHOLE, THIS IS THE WORST THING THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED TO ME.

CG: AND YOU'RE LAUGHING.

TG: chuckle up it only gets worse from here

===

CG: BE HONEST WITH ME. DID FONDLING MY SHIRT IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET EVEN DO ANYTHING?

TG: barely but yknow sometimes you just gotta deal the cards youre given

TG: ill just be astigmatic for a while its cool

CG: PFF… OKAY MAN.

[bluecollarmcandtf]

I'm so annoyed, my best friend has such an asshole for a husband. He basically never pays attention to her, all he cares about sport, beer and his friends. He never helps around the house and he's a lazy slob! He's always at the gym or going to the game with his bros. He's such a prick, maybe he should just be date his bros since he's so obsessed with them. He's always complaining about his wife "bothering him". Plus who would want to marry a slob anyway, as a husband he should be devoted to cleaning his house and caring about who he is married to.

I think I found the guy you're talking about, and you're totally right about him being an asshole. Your friend deserves better than an uncaring, selfish, pig-of-a-husband. That girl has tolerated him for too long! She won't be seeing him or his sexist buddies ever again when I'm done here...

Just look at him! The first thing he does when he gets home is grab a beer and park that fat ass of his on the couch. Sure, he might hit the gym later on his way to the bar, but he's not planning on helping his wife out with dinner. He's not really planning on talking to her at all until he needs a blow job later tonight.

You mentioned his name was Brett, I think?

Well, Brett can barely hold a job. He's lucky you gave him a chance and got him a gig as a delivery man. I think he's been doing this for a month now, but he absolutely resents the work. Brett can't really enjoy anything unless he has a beer in his hand, and he absolutely hates wearing that stuffy little uniform.

Nevertheless, he's been consistently showing up so far; probably because his wife is waking him up, washing his clothes, and feeding him breakfast. Brett essentially only uses her as a maid and sex toy!

It's a good thing I've got something planned for Brett today as he starts his delivery rounds. He doesn't notice me following as he grumpily carries a package out of his truck, and he doesn't have time to react when I reach out and grab the back of his head.

"You're not going to move," I command, sinking my fingers into the soft parts of his skull, "You're going to let me in."

A deep sigh blows out of Brett's mouth, and I know his willpower is gone. "I'm not going to move. I'll let you in..." he repeats numbly.

With permission, I shoot inside his mind, discovering much of what I expected. His thoughts revolve around meeting up with his bros after work. He hasn't genuinely cared to think about his wife in ages. His mind is just as simple and unlikeable as he is.

Good thing I'm here to change it!

"Brett, I'm changing your thoughts. You like that. You want me to rewrite you."

"You're..." he struggles to form words, "You're changing my thoughts. I like that. I want you to rewrite me..."

"Good," I grin maliciously.

Bringing my lips closer to his ear, I begin to fill his head with his new personality. He accepts all his new goals and dreams wholeheartedly. I imagine, you will like them. They're the ones you asked for...

Done for now, I pull out of his mind, whipping Brett back into consciousness! He gasps for air as he regains his senses, but then something overtakes him. He's taken off running down the street!

I follow behind, knowing exactly where he'll end up. I must say that I enjoy watching his thick ass jogging away in those tight brown shorts. He's a lot more muscular than I gave him credit for.

I'm sure his new husband will enjoy that body of his too.

Brett sprints several blocks and runs straight up to a house at the end of the street. It's the home of one of his football buddies. I think his name might be Axel or Alex or something. I'm not sure.

Anyways, Brett bangs on the door, panting like a dog. When the door is finally opened, he wastes no time. Brett pulls his bro in for the long passionate kiss he's been waiting for.

"Dude?" his friend mumbles as their lips part, "What are you doing?"

Little does he know that I already hypnotized him, too. He's going to accept everything Brett does like it's what he's wanted all along.

"Axel! Man, I love you!" Brett moans, pulling his football buddy in closer, "I want you to marry me. I'll quit my job and be your housewife. I'll be better at that! And you can boss me around and use me however you want, bro! I mean everything; cooking, cleaning, everything!"

"Woah, dude! That's a lot to take in," he hesitates, but already his mind is giving in, "But yeah. I like the sound of that. Being my wife means more than just cooking and cleaning though."

Brett looks at his new love earnestly. Meanwhile, Axel straightens up and crosses his arms to look rough.

"It means pleasure, whenever I want it and wherever I want it. It means you only get to watch the football games in between you serving me and my friends. By the way, they're just my friends now. Got it, dude?"

"Yeah," Brett whines, "Just let me start now!"

Axel smirks and pulls his new house husband into the house, giving him a possessive slap on the butt as they pass over the threshold.

"Alright, bitch. I'm gonna treat you just as bad as you did that old girl of yours."

"Who?" Brett asks out of genuine confusion, but he's already brushed off the comment and dropped to his knees.

"I don't know. Don't care either," Axel sneers, "Just get started. Haven't blown a load all day."

The faint sound of repetitive gagging echoes out of the house as the front door slams shut. It seems like my work here is done.

The football gang will enjoy having a very willing bro to take care of all their needs, and Brett will do it with a genuine smile on his face. That friend of yours is a free woman, so I suggest she find something fulfilling to do with her life. Brett may be trapped in another marriage, but she sure as hell isn't!

Hope you liked how I handled your problem!

[partycatty]

dark star!johnny cage > against the world

what it's like dating the evil version of hollywood's golden boy. it's not all fun and games, even if that's how he sees it

warnings: lowkey abusive relationship like just straight up. yandere. lil smutty but nothing horrifically graphic.

notes: listened to "wrap me in plastic" and "watch me work" while writing LMFAO also please god the coat stays ON ‼️‼️‼️‼️ hes so scrummy i need him biblically

masterlist <3

part 2* / part 3* / part 4* / part 5* / part 6*

•first of all, dark star!johnny is so incredibly emotionally immature. he's a whiny bastard fr. hell hath no fury like a white man that's in the wrong during an argument with his girlfriend

•"baaaabe what's wrong?? it was just a joke!" after he says you're a 6/10 compared to a model on his phone. ZERO awareness.

•WALL PUNCHER. IM JUST BEING HONEST. your beautiful pale pink walls have so many shoulder-height white patches from you having to fix the wall every time his water has an inadequate amount of cucumber slices.

•he's got the same upbringing as the better johnny, shitty dad and dead mom. he just never really knew how to cope with it. equally as famous as his counterpart, he prefers throwing punches in action flicks. he's just somehow more of a dick about it.

•pampered to holy hell between shots, all relaxed in his chair with his name embroidered on it while one woman tends to his makeup, another to his hair, a third feeding him water. it's how he wants it to be, he needs to be perfect. he is perfect.

•spends like two hours getting ready, most of the time is spent on his hair. you tell him it'd be more efficient to trim it down a couple inches but he likes the way it flops over. you also like the way it falls in front of his face during his stunts. he's just so effortlessly sexy.

•uses his height and physique to his advantage. he loves backing you into corners and looming above you menacingly to watch you squirm, flustered. his large sunglasses reflect your pathetic little face.

•now with you, he loves to show you off, but not enough for you to steal the spotlight. you're his favorite little accessory that hangs off his arm. he chooses your outfits when you make public appearances. INSISTS on matching all the time. misty blue dress with gold jewelry to match his obnoxiously large coat.

•the good johnny plays things up for the camera and saves the sweetness for behind closed doors. dark star!johnny doesn't know when to turn off "camera mode." bro will not be sweet with you unless it gets him brownie points after he fucks up.

•he's so unfair. women fawn over him constantly and he smiles all smugly and leans into their touches. but if a man so much as looks at you for more than a couple seconds, he's beating the guy in moments.

•hates it when you find joy in other people. he will constantly fill you with thoughts that everyone will leave you one day for one reason or another, and that you should feel lucky that a world famous actor wants you.

•will make you turn against people you hold dear, he cuts them out of your life so they can't influence you like he does. this man is a smooth talker and hardcore manipulator that'll leave you anxious when you talk to anyone but him. he has you thinking everyone's out to get you.

•"come on baby, you really think they'd love you like i do? don't be delusional. it's just you and me against the world, you got it?"

•you guys have had so many public scandals, you're the main source of income for the TMZ employees.

•sex tape here, public screaming match there

•speaking of which this dude FUCKS. HARD. :3

•johnny will literally pound you into oblivion whenever he pleases. he prefers doggystyle so he can use your hair as leverage. sometimes he reaches forward and holds your jaw, chest pressed against your back as he mercilessly fucks you. he totally gets himself off on your pathetic moans.

•records it every time. partially to jerk off to later, partially as leverage against you.

•"you like that?" he'll ask in that low growl, somehow hitting even deeper. "nobody can fuck you like i do. so don't even fucking think about leaving - ngh -"

•after an argument, you'll find gorgeous purses or necklaces on your shared vanity. not because he's sorry, but because he knows you'll forget about how annoying he can be when he shells out a couple thousand on a gift for you.

•you could honestly probably do better, but who's gonna say no to johnny cage?

[beatrixstonehill2]

"Since you asked so nicely..... this is how well my transition is going, big bro!" Hayley said on a Zoom call, setting up her phone on a tripod to flaunt her extremely pregnant body for her brother, Sean.

"Holy shit, you look incredible. How many kids are crammed in that belly?"

"Hmmmm, good question. I think I feel at least eight? Maybe more?"

"You don't even know how pregnant you are?"

"Nope! It's not that important. My medical team just tell me they're injecting me with a lot of fertilized eggs and do their thing."

"So you have no say over whether you get pregnant?"

"Nope! My doctors are gonna keep me pumping out babies forever, a girl's gotta keep her womb nice and full, don't you agree?" She smacked her belly playfully a few times.

"God damn.... I didn't even know you got a uterus."

"Well, you've been away, Mr. College Boy, leaving your poor adorable trans sister so alone...."

"...... Mom and dad say you fuck new guys like every night, Hayley."

"Well, aside from that I'm totally lonely! I miss having you around. You're why I transitioned, you know?"

"Hayley.... please, that was forever ago. We can move on past that."

"Why would we? You encouraged me to dress like a girl, act like a girl, you told me how much you fantasized about having a younger sister for company...."

"Ew, don't be gross."

Hayley bit her lip. "Why? Gross is fun. Besides I'm twenty-one and you're like twenty-six. We're both adults who know what we want."

"Are you planning to be like this the whole time I visit?"

"About that..... so, mom and dad use your room for their exercise equipment and storage now, so you'll be sleeping in my room, with me."

"..... And how will I fit in bed with you? You're gigantic."

"Don't worry, just snuggle up real close, my belly's so warm I'm sure you won't mind. Isn't this always what you wanted? You used to watch so many pornos and hentais about older brothers breeding their younger sisters. Mom and dad even think it's cute that I have a crush on you."

"Seriously? They're cool with it?"

"Of course! They already told me they can't wait to hear us upstairs catching up for lost time, shaking the walls, my pretty moans filling the hallway as you fuck my fat, girly ass. Doesn't that sound divine?"

"Fuck.... you're for real? You actually want me to fuck you, when you're that pregnant?"

"Don't worry, my womb isn't connected to anything. I stay pregnant til my team decides to give me a C-section. Usually I'm forced to stay pregnant for a whole year. The contractions get unbearable, but feel amazing! And as a surrogate mom living as a baby incubator, I'm paid very handsomely. Mom and dad already retired. They live mostly on the money this giant womb rakes in....."

"Jesus, you really committed to being a breeder, huh?"

Hayley reached in her shorts, pulling out her swollen, ten-inch cock off to the side for him to see as she stroked it. "That's what you wanted me to be. Watching those perverted videos every day, talking me into wearing girls' clothes, learning to do makeup, telling me at length how hot you think it'd be to have a submissive breeder sister. You even dared me to come out to mom and dad and ask to be put on hrt and blockers asap! You're the reason I'm a beautiful girl with a perpetually stuffed womb, flooded with more kids than my dumb, girly brain can probably count. This is all for you, big bro. I'm a knocked-up breeder slut dreaming every day to feel your cock inside me...."

"Fuck, you turned out better than I ever could've hoped, Hayley!"

"I take it that's a yes?" She enthusiastically jerked off, watching her brother stroke his cock under his jeans.

"Damn straight. I can't wait to fuck that fat ass of yours so hard you cry. Every day, every night. I'm going to fuck you in front of mom and dad. I'm going to fuck you in public. I'm going to humiliate you, grab your tits, jerk you off on the train. Everything I ever fantasized about doing to you."

"Mmmmm, ohhhh fuck...." she softly moaned, shooting rope after rope of cum out of her cock. "Look what you made me do, big bro." She showed him the cum all over her hand, then licked it up, off each finger.

"You're perfect. Maybe if you're a really good girl, someday I'll even marry you, and make you my submissive little pregnant bride, so I can humiliate, fuck, and torture you every day for the rest of your life."

"That sounds like every little sister's dream come true. ❤️"

[alphajocklover]

I want to become the biggest, dumbest straightest guy around. Young and dumb and totally obnoxious. Maybe a content creator. Or something. Playing with bros, making rude and crude comments to girls, drinking beers, burping and maybe doing drugs. Or something. Maybe like a redneck or stoner or some shit.

‘Or something.’ You want to be the hottest jock douchebag who ever lived ‘or something.’ For someone sharing their deepest fantasy you seem rather unsure about what it is you really want. I’m not judging. A lot of people are unsure about what they truly want. I haven’t always been certain about what I want myself.

But if you really want to be the douchebag jock you dream of, you can never be unsure again. Douchebag jocks aren’t uncertain. About anything. Guys like that, guys like the future you. always know what they want and they fucking get it, everyone else be damned. It’s what makes them so fucking hot. That and their huge muscles and handsome faces.

If you haven’t caught on yet, which would mean you’re already pretty dumb and just need the confidence and muscles of a jock, I’m going to help you with your request. I’m going to turn you into one of those manly, straight, douchebag jocks. I just need one thing from you. I need you to be absolutely certain that this is what you want. There are a couple reasons for this. The first is that there’s no way to reverse it, so if you’re unsure there is no going back. The second is that being unsure will mess up the spell.

Yes, I’m using a spell. I’m using magic. Usually I discuss more scientific transformation methods, and even the ones I can’t explain aren’t explicitly magical, but… I never said magic doesn’t exist. It’s just not very common, and the people who have access to it usually use it for other things. Wizards are usually very serious and refuse to use magic for ‘frivolous pursuits.’ But I managed to convince one to teach me some things, and I think I can help you. All it requires from you is focus. I need you to focus on exactly the kind of guy you want to be, and be absolutely sure that’s what you want.

You think you can do that? Well if you’re sure, I’m gonna cast the spell. 3, 2, 1…

Damn, you really were sure. Look at you! You’re muscles, your sheer arrogance, your sexy brilliant everything! You may be a dumb, misogynistic, hedonistic douchebag now whose constantly going on about fucking pussy and hanging with your bros, but honestly that just makes you hotter. No wonder your YouTube channel is blowing up.

I’m really glad that went well. If I’m being honest I wasn’t sure it would. It was my first spell afterall!

[coolshadowtwins]

SVSSS System Reveal Fic round up!

If you know one that hasn’t been recc’ed, then please put it in the comments/tags! I’ll add it to the post!

A Transmigrator and a Time Traveler Walk into the Bamboo House by VeryCharismaticDragon

Over a year after Shen Qingqiu's death, Luo Binghe consults his servant's servant, concurrently his disgraced martial uncle, for a way to bring the love of his life back. Shang Qinghua sends him in the direction of a certain time-traveling artifact, which supposedly brings one to the day they first met their soulmate.

Odd, though, that the artifact ends up missing the destination by just a few years…

A story in which post-Abyss Luo Binghe relives his disciple days, while juggling his secrets, traumas, and some unexpected revelations about the man he loves on top of that.

What is Seen by CaveteDracones

…is not [always] the real truth.

Truth-compelling artifacts in the hands of an enemy to one side, SYSTEM-mandated silence on the other, and Shen Qingqiu caught between the two. Is it too late to go back to the Water Prison? (NOTE: This one was recommended three times, and I have personally reread it multiple times. It’s one of my favorites and I really do want to read more fics in a similar vein lol)

open my lungs to let you in by ghostybreads

Shen Qingqiu had a secret. So, naturally, it was only a matter of time before he was hit by a truth serum wife plot.

//

“How are you?”

“Horny. Kind of want Binghe to rail me, I guess. But it’s manageable.”

Liu Qingge’s hand on his forehead froze, and he was close enough that Shen Qingqiu could hear his breathing stop. He stared back expressionlessly, the mortification distantly crawling up the back of his neck. Honest One-Horned–

The frustrated scream that he usually vented in his head, came out straight from mouth.

“aaAAAAAHHHH GODDAMNIT AIRPLANE–”

Futility in Practice by TGP

When Luo Binghe is fourteen years old, his shizun suffers a terrible qi deviation and fever that completely changes who he is.

and judgment is just like a cup that we share by Kieron_ODuibhir

The blob finished rotating into place in a way that wasn’t quite compatible with geometry as Shen Qingqiu understood it, and cleared a throat it didn’t seem to have.

“Greetings,” it said, somehow clearly addressing him in particular more than the room as a whole despite its total lack of features other than blueness and translucency. “I’m here on behalf of the Hyper-Celestial Peace and Order Enforcement Bureau. Crime scene secure, proceeding to interviews. Beginning with Subject One: You are Shen Qingqiu, formerly Shen Yuan, also known as Peerless Cucumber?”

First, do no harm by Terias

Shen Qingqiu has been acting especially erratic since awakening from his three day coma after a severe qi deviation.

Mu Qingfang investigates and discovers a great many things about his new shixiong. (NOTE: This one has Shen Yuan and Shen Jiu as the same soul, technically, but it still works I think!)

Show The Screenshots by A_Non_ymousWriter

When a rogue foreign System sends out a subtle virus, some outsiders are shown chat messages between a certain two transmigrators and their Systems.

AirplaneBro: nah dude shen jiu would never lay a hand on his female disciples like that, hes gay

Liu Qingge tripped on thin air while Mu Qingfang choked on his tea as Shang Qinghua (their god? creator??) casually shattered their view of their original Shen Qingiu. The fake Shen Qingqiu at least, was sharing their shock.

CucumberBro: EXCUSE ME WHAT??

CucumberBro: The fuck he is?!?! He literally GOES TO BROTHELS! LIU QINGGE FOUND HIM IN BED WITH A WOMAN THAT ONE TIME?

AirplaneBro: aight bro buckle the fuck up cuz imma take u on a joyride all about shen jiu >:)

—————-

Binghes#1Fan: I don't want to send Binghe into the Abyss...

System 2: User must comply, if User cannot do the task User will be punished and the account will be terminated.

Mobeis #1Fan: sorry bro unless ur okay w being ded af u gotta push binghe into the abyss

Ning Yingying's fists clenched. Okay, so trying to get Yuan-ge and A-Luo together would be harder than she thought.

[matrixbearer2024]

Mentioned that I'd make an Actor AU thing for Alastor too so here he is!

Alastor tends to be the first up and about in the cast and the last to sleep- his sleep schedule is totally wrecked but that exhaustion kind of only helps play into his character's unhinged tendencies. This dude seriously chugs coffee like it's nothing but he will not consume whatever shitty caffeinated soda/energy drink Vox offers because he hates the taste HAHAHAHA-

Bro actually has no idea why Vox likes those drinks, they taste like straight up chemicals you might as well suck on a permanent marker or something-

The hazbin cast + (Y/N) have jokingly dubbed him as the adoptive grandpa because he actually has very old preferences(style, music, etc.) and he dotes on everyone despite being a weird little shit on camera. His vibe is not really different from how he is on-screen, minus the very blatant creepy murderous intent of course!

Lucifer's actually older than he is by a good few years while Vox is younger by a few years. So he is actually on the older side of the cast anyhow.

In this AU, Al and Vox are actually good friends but there are times where this man genuinely wants to punch the younger in the face for doing something stupid or being abhorrently dense.

He's also dating Nix! @a-hazbin-reader's OC but trying to keep it under wraps because he doesn't need the paparazzi/media to come in and scrutinize his private life. The cast is more than aware how much of a simp this dude is though, he's not subtle at all.

Everyone on set is there for filming, whether it's the show or some spinoffs like in Alastor's case- some romantic dramas(@a-hazbin-reader's fics, go check them out if you love the radio demon!) and even the "Get Off My Screen" series where he's up to his demonic radio shenanigans as usual!

[bigfatbimbo]

Hello, my dear! Love that you/others enjoyed my thought and rambles! Speaking of emojis, because I'm a bastard, can I be 🍆 anon??? If that's taken, I could also go for 💦 anon?? Also, forgive me for any spelling errors, wrote this at 2 am

* ----------- * ----------- *

Vee's Dom 2: Even More Rambling (because these idiots won't leave me alone)

- If their dom ever become famous, which is likely, and the fans create edits of them, the Vees would absolutely save those vids and watch them over and over again (Imagine walking in on them watching edits of you LMAO, or even you coming over to where they're sitting cause the sound keeps looping and it's obvious that they're watching the same video straight)

- Let's talk about the clothing situation here

* With Vox's freaky ass wanting to keep you close always, it's probably led him to steal your underwear, and might even wear it, but you'll never know. I can also see Val doing the same thing but being hella more shameless, enough to even show YOU that he's wearing them and if you want them back, you better take it off of him

* Velvette probably has taken more comfier clothes, things you would wear for staying in, like old shirts, band tees, or shirts that are well loved

* Valentino has tried, and failed, to return some of the clothes he took. It's kinda hard to take those clothes back considering they look more like rags with how many holes and substances covering it.

- With a built dom

* Velvette will "off-handedly" mention about creating clothes that cater to more muscle-y/bigger builds, and will insist that she needs you to model/do photoshoots for her (she's definitely not using this opportunity just to have more photos of you flexing in HD)

* Vox will 100% build you a personal gym in the tower, but said gym will be covered in cameras/cctvs, all pointed in different directions

* Val would ask you to train his actors, and he will watch supervise said sessions, just to make sure the actors do right (which is totally not a reason for him to watch you flex on his workers)

* Obsessed with pinning Vox to the bed, I bet he'd find it so fucking hot that everytime he tries to close his legs, we just pry them open.

- i know I've talked about punishments, but what about rewards??

* Letting Vox cum as much as he wants (though by the end of it, Vox might start to wonder if it's more of a punishment instead of a reward)

* Willingly let Velvette mess around with some of your clothes/putting you in different fashion designs/putting makeup on your face

* Dare I say even let Valentino call SOME shots during sex, again, SOME shots (do remind him that even if he tops you, he's still your bitch)

- Also rotting in my brain regarding these whores:

* what if you were more powerful in terms of magic/connections/influence/money? (I just know my problems would simply ✨ disappear ✨ if I had a muscle mommy/daddy)

* what if they met you via social media and they immediately hivemind that "yes, this is my dom, right here" ? Like let's say you're an entertainer/dancer right, and one of your viral vids had been a dance to don't go insane (it's the belt dance, boo if you're curious)

* Being in the limelight also means being in the subjective eyes of everyone, and I know for a fact that the Vees have a lot of haters/threats, but what if you protect them from it (bodyguard scenario????)

* ----------- * ----------- *

I forgot to say this during my last ramble, but, If I may, I would love to absolutely read one of your takes regarding my sub!val ideas, but only if you want to/feel for it.

Btw, on a totally unrelated sidenote, I know the blog is primarily hazbin hotel, but I gotta ask, how we feeling about Arcane Sevika?? Cause I am feeling a lot (missing my muscle mommy as fuck bro)

Anywaaays, have a good day!

xoxoxoxo ❤️

This has been in my drafts for almost ALL WEEK and i’m finally coherent enough to give my thoughts!

Can I just say how much I love the Vees with a well built reader. Like I have no real character study-ish explanation for why in my brain i’m like “they’d be obsessed with that.” But I know for a fact it’s absolutely true.

I’m going to focus on your little side notes at the bottom though. So if they met you through social media I feel like you would definitely start off knowing Velvette first. But even before they start talking to you they would absolutely stalk your page and send fucking edits or something back and forth.

But the Vees with a very powerful reader is very interesting to me. Because like while yes, they’d love to be totally on top of hell, but it’s very convenient for them, and hot and hot and hot, to have your support. Because like super powerful big scary respected dom privilege mixed with their constant self entitlement and attitude? And if anyone says anything about it you fucking destroy their status, business, or hell, even them simply because you can. “Do you think you’ll kill for me one day?” “Yes, of course I will, my love” TYPE BEAT AHHH.

And that leads us to the bodyguard idea because jesus christ. Like this is literally such a mix of the well built buff reader and powerful one I just talked about. Also they would argue for your attention 1000% worse in this case.

ALSO CAN I JUST SAY, YOUR SUCH A BASTARD FOR LITERALLY BEING 🍆 ANON. you’re literally DICK ANON. are you proud 🤨🤨

[m00mis]

i just read your svt shoelace scenario and it's so cute! idk if you're taking requests but if you are can you please do a "svt reacting to their s/o calling them bro" scenario? if you're not feel free to ignore!

thankyou !! i am totally taking requests pls feel free to ask :)

{ also i hope i interpreted your request properly ㅠㅠ im overthinking as usual }

svt reacting to their s/o calling them bro

cheol - he would be shocked and so offended like "bro??? me?? what?? i'm not your bro what are you talking about?? tchh bro? seriously? what happened to 'babe'? 'baby'? 'cheollie'? 'the love of my life'?" goes on a whiney rant about how he is not your bro, he is your baby and won't drop it for two weeks and only responds to you with "ok bro" so you know how it feels

jeonghan - he didn't realise what you said and would reply as if nothing had happened. that is not in your usual vocabulary so it went straight through him but in the middle of the night he would wake up in a cold sweat muttering "bro.. she called me bro?" and would text you right then at 3am to never call him bro again. creepy asf.

joshua - would suddenly look up at you with those big eyes and confused smile ("huh?") which made you super embarrassed because why is he looking at you like you have committed terrible crimes and now you are running away and oh god he's chasing after you

jun - you were eating together and he would burst into laughter but when he sees you're not laughing he slowly realises that this was serious business and he just points to himself with a mouth full of food saying "me? i'm your bro?"

hoshi - oh great what have you done. now he only calls you bro. "hey my bro ! <⁠(⁠￣⁠︶⁠￣⁠)⁠>". yep. the rest of the members think you two have somehow regressed back to the friendzone with hoshi being happier than before??

wonwoo - is shocked and sweetly asks why you said bro, but you can't explain and he has the biggest grin on his face, chuckling because it was so absurd and he can't get over it. it's so funny to him that he tells all the members and he never forgets it. one of his fondest memories of you

woozi - the atmosphere is so tense after it slipped out of your mouth but suddenly he bursts out laughing and folds in half "you actually... actually just called me bro..!? i can't... can't believe it PSHAHAAA" between wheezes . funniest thing to him

dk - would hit him like a ton of bricks "is that what i am to you? a bro?" and is so upset you're basically begging on your knees for him to forgive you but he can't even hear anything you're saying because he's trying to figure out what he did wrong in your relationship for you to call him bro so nonchalantly .. heart brocken fr 💔

mingyu - you can tell it's echoing around his mind as he's off staring into space in absolute disbelief.. you start laughing at his dumbfounded expression so he starts smiling in confusion, "what? what was that? why did you say that? tell me!" and you have collapsed because his reaction is so funny. he's all whiney and rolling around on the sofa because he is so hurt

minghao - i think he would somehow turn it into a psychological thing and ask why you think of him as your brother and if you had any good brotherly figures growing up to try to figure out what is going on for you to call him bro. basically he would use it as an excuse to understand you more cuz he lovs u

seungkwan - would drop everything to judge you with that look in his eyes and the pressure would be so intense that you immediately apologise. he is never letting this go. occasionally calls you bro just to embarrass you because he loves seeing you all worked up

vernon - "sup bro". "sup" . thats it. sorry but he would be so unbothered. starts dapping you up every time he sees you followed by a lil kiss.

dino - half-jokingly goes "was that a mistake? im letting you off this time. watch your back" and does the 'i'm watching you' finger eye point thingy(?) while backing out of the room and when he's out of view he runs to the bathroom to let out his laughter because he can't believe how weirdly cute you were. talks to himself in the mirror about it.

[fire-lizard-ro]

Mini post about Gallagher because @pix3lplays and I were talking about him... Like we always do with these Star Rail men... Man-

We're so Normal about him I swear-

Here's a bunch of ideas and headcanons in no particular order because I cannot scrape together enough sense after seeing that official art of him to make this coherent:

Writing under the cut (dw it's SFW I just started doing this for convenience):

Leaks suggested he had a bunch of scarring on his arms and if you look closely at his hands in the official art, he has some on his hands and juuuust under some of the bandages. Imagine kissing his scars... Auuuu-

I said it before and I'll say it again he's a big ol' puppy. Big scruffy scary dog puppy man. The way he's so attentive with you and concerned for your health, safety, and wellbeing at all times. I actually don't think he'd be the biggest on PDA. However- That doesn't stop what happens when he's protective. You'd be in a crowd and in order to shield you from the hustle and bustle, he'd pull you in close with an arm wrapped around you.

He totally rubs his cheek against yours like a fuckin cat as like an affection thing but also sometimes to mess with you because it's scratchy.

Definitely has a Chair. It's His Chair. By the fireplace. But he, of course, let's you sit in it whenever he isn't sitting there. And if he is? Pats his leg to you can come sit in his lap. You two often take naps there, cuddled up with one another.

Those buttons of his are fighting for their LIVES but you aren't complaining. He jolts a little before smirking at you when you slip a hand between said buttons to feel the exposed skin there as well as plenty of what the shirt does cover.

Pix and I like to think that he's naturally warm. Whether this is because he is a fire pathstrider is up to interpretation.

Also please tell me he's another guy who just straight says run them hands his hands are his weapon-

(I wonder if we're getting a character in HSR who just straight up throws hands like "time for some fisticuffs". Because I didn't even think about it, but Stelle in the new trailer didn't have her bat or lance she was gonna like Stellaron punch someone??? Bro gimme the "run them hands" strat right NOW Hoyo- Going back to Gallagher... Like yeah I wanna watch him straight up punch someone, lolllll- And look at his left glove!!! It has those little metal thingies on the knuckles like come ON-)

Speaking of him being a big ol puppy for you... I should write about him being a cute puppo boy... ANYWAYS-

Pix talked about kissing his scruffy chin and my immediate thought was:

"Leaning up to kiss his chin because of height difference and jwefoi he just thinks it's cute and you see the way his eyes soften weoigj- I feel like he'd lean down for you only to move so he can kiss you properly at the last second. And then he would give you lil eskimo kisses and gently murmur against your lips the softest lil "my wife..." as if it's his favorite thing to say as if it's him reminding himself and being happy about it all over again weoigjwe-"

(Yes that thought was a bit more catered to me as a certified Wife, okay??? Leave me alone- OTL)

ALSO PIX WITH THEIR HUGE WRINKLY BRAIN BROUGHT UP THE IDEA OF DANCING IN THE KITCHEN WITH HIM???

So ofc I had to write a bit about it:

It's late at night and you two just finished dinner together as a sort of stay at home date. You've already cleaned the dishes together and put everything away, relishing silently in the domestic feeling of doing those tasks together.

And then suddenly he's wrapped his arms around you, nose buried in your hair as he kisses your head. Slowly, he turns you around.

One kiss... Two kisses... "Dance with me?" "I don't know how." "I'll teach you."

Tugs you forward so you can stand on his feet as the two of you sway and dance in the kitchen, the only music being the sound of your hearts that now beat in sync.

aaAAAAAAA HELP-

Anyways more about this absolute Husband of a man again at a later time goodbye iewjgo-

[weebsinstash]

Ok so I kept procrastinating but I finally finished Masquerade earlier today and just. Oh my fucking god, kicking my feet, twirling my hair around a finger, giggling ,rewinding, smiling like a GOON, I have THOUGHTS

--Val's red coat is his WINGS and they're glorious. And not to mention he wears that like, slutty open chested black v neck underneath where he's lowkey showing off his nipples too, the slut. The gold heart belt buckle and the matching gold accented accessories too. Ugh. You can't say he doesn't dress up, and I really liked getting to see the full reveal of his body so to speak, the way his violet arms become black fingers, also is he, is he wearing like gold manicured claw cap things sometimes, why is he such a diva, he's so extra

--the Addict music video WASN'T just being artistic, Valentino's smoke CAN become physical actual chains and bondage and oh my gooddddddd I'm using this knowledge for EVIL purposes.

Boom! Sudden third eye opening moment, but remember that post I made about "Val who starts dragging you around on a leash because he's too much taller than you to keep leading you by the hand" ? His lower set of arms could totally hold onto you BUT I can totally see him using these chains all the time now, to drag you around and just restrain you and shit. Ugh. Just. Him having you completely immobilized and helpless and shaking like a chihuahua as he can run his fingers along you and whatever else he wants, listening to you gadp and squirm

-- ok I know the whole point of the poison music video was showing the horrible shit Angel is made to do and how he's dehumanized but like.... obviously, from.. a fetish perspective... you know what I think 😩❤️

Like you can't just show me a shot of Valentino having Angel in his arms and he's got all four arms wrapped around him in like almost an embrace, kissing, KISSING while they fuck. maybe I'm so shy but that's so... intimate, like, ok fuck my ass i guess, that's like sex, whatever, but kissing me on the MOUTH, let alone with tongue? you might as well be looking into my soul or something dofnofjfjg, not to mention Val biting his neck while they do it like you CAN'T me all of that and expect me to be normal!!!

--platonic yandere Husker with an alcoholic Reader though. He forces you into these weird little therapy sessions when yeah he still serves you drinks but he cuts you off when you're fucking plastered, like he enables you until you're having TOO much, amd by that point you're yammering with your loose lips and answering ALL His questions. Siiiiigh I can see him seeing how you're down on your luck and burying your worries and sorrows at the bottom of a bottle , getting so drunk you can barely sit up straight, and he starts getting protective of you, secretly following you to bars when you won't just get drunk at the hotel, making sure your drink doesn't get spiked, having to kick some ass to protect you and drag you home more than once

--i was such a fool. If Valentino is such a, quite frankly, perverted fucking idiot that he LICKS CHARLIE, fucking CHARLIE MORNINGSTAR upon first meeting her, he ABSOLUTELY does creepy shit to his darling day ONE. He CLEARLY has ZERO impulse control: he drinks, he smokes, he forces himself onto other people, he throws things when he loses his temper. He uses his power to be a bully and seeking unrestrained self gratification

--this is completely unrelated to everything else here but Zestial is hot in that like, antiquated charming eldritch evil kind of way. He seems like the sort of creature you could encounter deep within an enchanted woods, you're freshly dead and wind up in a bad part of Pentagram City and this TOWERING gentleman says some shit like "turn back child, there is no safety for you here". He's. He's sexy in that Neflix Castlevania Dracula way where there's an appeal in his age and his wisdom and his composure and just his full-on aesthetic and such. Like bro it's so easy to miss it but he's the oldest of the Overlords and he bowed in respect to Carmilla for what she did. He's chivalrous and loyal and just 👀 got my eye on him...

--bro watching Val manipulate Angel to get Charlie to leave fucking HURT and I've thought about Reader being in that exact scenario SO many times! Valentino is manipulating Angel to control you, and he's manipulating YOU to control Angel. Sure, he'll have Angel make you cry and chase you off so you don't get emotional and interfere with a shoot, or so that you don't sabotage whatever manipulated state he has Angel under at the time, but when you're off on your own drinking and crying and sobbing and feeling oh so horrible and pitiful, then Val is sibling up to you, cooing about, oh how MEAN Angel was to you, he didn't have to be so harsh to someone so sweet--

Could you imagine the fucking. Tiered angst and manipulation of Angel hurting Reader because Val pressured him to, and then Reader going off and getting drunk and being self destructive, and then at your emotional weakest Val is popping in to strike some kind of deal with you or fuck you or whatever, and then Angel blames himself, and here's Valentino, "that wouldn't have happened if you just did what you were told :3c" and Angel is even further under his control because now he's terrified he might "fuck up" and get you really hurt

--siiiiiiiigh imagine like drinking with Angel and you've been down there for like two months and you're idly chit chatting and, something something, you offhandedly mention something like "god fuck Val had me so fucking wasted I could barely sign my employee contract" CUE ANGEL IMMEDIATELY DROPPING WHATEVERS IN HIS HAND AND SHAKING YOU, "what do you MEAN you signed something??? You're just waiting tables, what did you SIGN???" And it turns out Val whipped out like ONE OF THE B I G "types" of contracts for you. God I really want some elaboration on how those contracts work and how Val or any Overlord strikes deals and even gains powers because it's very clear not everyone had the same level of abilities, and also lowkey the power scaling in Hazbin is kinda busted like not to be a dweeb but you've got people running around basically having Quirks

--ALSO THIS IS SO DUMB BUT I HAVE A COMPLAINT SIR. Valentino straight up says "no one watches porn for the dialogue" EXTREMELY INCORRECT BUZZER NOISE. When you've watched enough porn or at the very least you're hunting for a specific fetish, dialogue can be Duper important. You can see 20 different actors do the same scene BUT have a specific pair who, maybe used a specific line that stood out to you and made it unique and made it worth watching. You know for a long while there I was writing smut and feeling like I was doing the same descriptions over and over again and it kind of burnt me out and turned me off and that's when I tried to shift towards more emotional and environmental and thematic sorts of stuff

Listen all I'm saying is I have been ENAMORED like straight up with the idea of Reader becoming the fourth V because you become close to all the Vs and you have your own talents and they all like you and shit. You're able to pitch product ideas to Vox, even help him if you're a programmer or a coder or something, Valentino.... maybe you have magic hammer space pockets and can run him errands or you cook drugs or you're like a sexy bodyguard for him or, he just likes getting drunk and doing drugs with you, and Velvette is that #Bitch who you gossip with who likes to design new shit for you and bounce ideas off of you from time to time. Like the gradual slide of "oh we're all hanging out and they think I'm actually kind of cool," to "oh they keep inviting me to hang out. I feel special. I'm one of the cool kids. Maybe I even have fun powers and they encourage me to be mean and evil and its fun" to then "oh you're straight up shoving new clothes in my face and you keep using this one specific V nickname for me instead of my real name and I stg I don't have personal space anymore and I'm always being crowded by at least one of you literally 24/7"

God just. God. Just. GOD I AM SO WELL FED. I saw what Viv was selling and I got in line and I've finally gotten my food and it is FILLING, my craving for controlling obsessive possessive douchebags is sooooo sated right now 😩❤️

[hookedonhuge]

Lucky Shorts

This is a story about the luckiest day of your life.

It all started when you went to a rugby match which wasn’t your usual style as you had no interest in the sport. The people playing the sport on the other hand, well let’s just say they had bodies built to be watched by people like you.

If eyeing off the large men wrestling with each other wasn’t enough for you, then seeing one of the star players peel off their tight, sweaty shorts from their giant, bubble butt and huge, athletic legs and toss it into the crowd after the match certainly was. The icing on the cake was that those very same shorts landed in your hands. It was as if he knew just how desperately you wanted them.

As soon as you got home you went into your room and pressed those sweaty shorts into your face. You were in total bliss as you breathed in the intoxicating, ripe odours of the shorts, imagining that big, sweaty stud being in the room with you. You revelled in the fantasy of him smothering his stinky shorts into your nose, his face painted with a mix of pride and disgust as you got off on inhaling his potent musk.

“How pathetic,” you imagined him saying. “Not even the sweatiest, smelliest players on my team can handle my post-match stench. Yet, you love it.”

You had to try on those shorts. Even if they were going to be a bit big for your smaller frame, you needed to feel the damp fabric against your ass.

You took the shorts away from your nose, it wasn’t easy to say goodbye to the scent, and pulled them up over your black underwear. Huh, it was a tighter fit than you expected. The sweat-soaked material wrapped snugly around your butt and you could feel the moisture soak into your underwear. You pinched at the shorts and it was so skin tight that all you could feel was the heavier, wet underwear fabric beneath.

Wait, the shorts weren’t just skin tight, there were actually no shorts on you at all. Of course there were no shorts, you had been in your room in just your underwear the entire time. What were you doing again?

You aimlessly wandered around your house trying to think of what you were supposed to be doing. You eventually sat down on a seat in the living room, scratching your empty head in confusion.

“Bro, if I swung that way I’d definitely hit that ass up.” It was your roommate. He was straight as anything, and a total bro. He was staring at your butt; your big bubble butt. “Why do you always have to stick that massive thing out like that, you’re going to make me hard one day if you don’t be careful.”

“Are you sure it doesn’t make you hard already?” You joked, leaning your body forward and sticking out your dump truck ass a little further. “An ass like this is very popular with boys like you.” You loved teasing your straight roommate.

He took a cautious step forward then pinched his nose in disgust. “Your ass reeks bro, have you just come back from the gym?”

The gym, of course! That’s the thing you were planning on doing this whole time. You quickly got changed into your gym gear, throwing your black underwear on the floor of your room, and rushed out the door.

The gym felt like home to you. You couldn’t wait to lift up some weights and get your sweat on, and boy did you sweat. You were only on your first exercise and already a large sweat mark had formed under the band of your grey compression shorts.

As you continued your workout you kept getting sweatier and sweatier. It wasn’t long until your shorts were completely drenched. 

The best part were the slaps of encouragement your ass would receive from the gym bros. The slaps would make a satisfying squelch noise and then your bubble butt would jiggle like jelly. This was usually followed by a comment fawning over your dump truck ass or congratulating you about how sweaty and smelly you were (to the gym bros this was a sign of a good workout). To say you were getting a lot of attention was an understatement. You were enjoying every second of it too, even making sure to bend over and stick your butt out when one of your jacked fans walked past.

Once you finished your workout you headed straight home without showering. Why waste all of that beautiful sweat you worked so hard for?

When you arrived home you stumbled across a very fortunate surprise. It was your roommate, and he was on the floor of your room sniffing the sweaty black underwear that you left there.

“Now are you sure I don’t make you hard?” You said with the smuggest grin. He turned around to meet your gaze and he was in complete shock. His face turned bright red and he couldn’t get a single word out. “How pathetic.” You said, changing to a deeper and more condescending tone. “Not even the sweatiest, smelliest men in the gym can handle my post-workout stench. Yet, you love it.”

You lifted up your shirt to show him your spectacular body that glistened with sweat. “No point denying it, you're in love with me.” You were literally talking down to him. “And most of all, you’re in love with my sweaty body.”

Your roommate sprang up from the ground and began frantically licking the crevices of your hairy abs. You grabbed his head and pushed it into the damp abyss between your two amazing pecs. Moans of pure happiness reverberated into your chest, which only made you push his face in harder.

Once you felt he was done with your chest you shoved his body to the ground. “It’s time for the main course,” you said with a grin. You turned around so your massive butt was facing towards him. Your shorts were so drenched that sweat was dripping off them onto your housemate’s body.

“Yes please, I need a taste!” Your housemate begged.

You lowered your behemoth ass onto his face. Both cheeks spread around his face and touched the floor. His face was completely trapped in the dampest, rankest, nastiest, foulest cage imaginable. You couldn’t tell if he was screaming in joy or screaming for release but either way the vibrations felt amazing as they rippled through your cheeks. How lucky that he has a stinky, sweaty housemate who is willing to use his fat, pillowy butt to indulge his fantasies.

[misc-obeyme]

So uh. Lesson 38. Man I swear it was just yesterday I was writing the post about Lesson 37?! Augh.

Okay, spoilers below, and be prepared 'cause it was another CRAZY CRAZY LESSON. No I didn't take another 100 screenshots why would you think that? Also I apologize, this is another rather unhinged post.

OKAY NEW THEORY.

"Father" is Nightbringer! Right?!? Tell me I'm not alone in thinking this might be the case!!

Okay, so maybe not, but we had so much Father talk this lesson!! Way more than any other, I'd say!

And I hated it?!?

Okay lemme backtrack a bit.

So, we got Lucifer in ice and chains and he's yelling at his Father saying what do you want, you never tell me anything, give me a sign!

And then he breaks out of his chains, but he's completely out of control! And then DIAVOLO shows up.

SIR. There is just something about Diavolo in full demon form, getting all angry and ready to fight... But I don't think I've ever seen Diavolo with an ominous aura like that?? I can't remember for sure, but I swear it doesn't happen too often. Anyway, he straight up fights with Lucifer to try to calm him down.

The girls are fighting! I didn't crop this bottom image as much as I usually do because I need you all to see how BIG these two are in their full demon forms like this. All those wings...

Note that the angels and MC are watching all of this from the sidelines... and then Simeon blesses MC and I am in love with him and his beautiful face.

YOU are the only one making me swoon at the moment though.

Anyway, then all the bros show up and save the day! I was like yeah, that checks out. Lucifer & Diavolo are going at it and MC tries to get in the way, but it's not enough until all the others show up, too. As soon as Lucifer sees his brothers are all right, he calms down.

Asmo suggests a hug and Lucifer AGREES. They have a group hug where Lucifer is clearly pulling everyone into it himself. He apologizes to MC (!!) and THEN as if all this wasn't enough, MC's ring starts to glow and Lucifer turns into his angel form!!

Once again uncropped so you can see this ridiculous mf and all his wings.

Diavolo is smitten.

And he kneels!!!!!!

He kneels to Lucifer in angel form!!!! And all the others do too!!!!!

I lost my goddamn mind at this part. And Lucifer's like I don't understand why is this happening? And Simeon is like, "he" heard you and this is your answer. He wants you to feel his love and his forgiveness and blah blah blah (I'm paraphrasing). But I need to tell you all this even though I don't normally go into this much detail and here is why.

FUCK THAT GUY.

This is "his" way of showing Lucifer that he loves him?!?!

Diavolo, get off your knees, you are not helping this situation!!!

Okay, okay, let me calm down.

Here is why this bothers me so much. And please note that this just my personal opinion and the way it all came off to me! I'm totally open to hearing other opinions on it.

I hate this because it makes no sense. This is the same Father that was going to kill Lilith, the same one who allowed the brothers and Lucifer, the one he supposedly loves so much, to fall in the first place.

I don't care if Michael is the one behind everything. If their Father guy can do this, then there's no way he couldn't also prevent all of this.

The only way I'm going to give him a chance at all is if they somehow make it so that he can't do much at all. He's trapped or something. Michael is truly the mastermind behind it all and Father is doing what he can from where he is (like imprisoned or something).

Because otherwise, this makes no sense.

AND WASN'T I RIGHT?? It turned out that the whole thing was orchestrated by the Celestial Realm AND the Devildom! The three worlds have an agreement - powerful beings can be imprisoned in Cocytus for their crimes if at least two representatives out of three agree. One from the Celestial Realm did. This was confirmed by Simeon, who went back briefly to ask Michael. However, Michael wouldn't tell him who did it.

NO. You can't be content with that! Michael obviously knows who it was!! So why would he protect them?? Or is he protecting himself?!?

And then someone from the Devildom did, too! But instead of just being like oh well, guess it's a mystery, Diavolo blames himself and says he's doing everything he can to find out who did it. My money is on the House of Lords.

So they were in cahoots, as I suspected!

Anyway, I just don't understand what all of this was supposed to accomplish for Lucifer's character. If they want to make us question the Celestial Realm, then yo I was already on that train! This whole situation certainly makes Michael look very suspicious. And Lucifer goes on and on later about how he must have forgotten about his father's love and blah blah. And I'm like what???

Also this whole part where Lucifer was dreaming or whatever and the brothers were angels:

Levi says "Our orders always come through Michael." That's the crux of this whole thing. We don't know enough about the state of "Father" to really know for sure.

Again, if it turns out that "Father" isn't terrible and somehow had no say in all the bad things that are happening and was truly trying to help Lucifer, then fine. I can accept that. But from where things are right now, it seems more like "Father" can't let Lucifer go and in this case, that's making things worse for Luci.

Do you really think giving Lucifer back his angel form long enough for everyone to be in awe and even make Diavolo kneel is somehow helping him? Because I disagree. Leave Lucifer alone already.

Though he then passes out and sleeps for quite a while.

And oh! Okay, here is my favorite part hee hee:

Obviously I squealed a lil when he showed up! They were all stuck in Cocytus and couldn't figure out how to get home. And someone was like "if only Barbatos could portal us home" and then this happened.

My knight in shining armor 😭

He's so practical. I'm in love with him.

Then we make a pact with Lucifer. AND THIS MOTHERFUCKER.

Flashbacks to the OG, anyone?? I guess he would still lie to himself like this, we are in the past after all. And I think he genuinely believes that MC is his at first. What a delusional simp he turns out to be, though, huh?

And then!!

Cocytus Hall is destroyed because of course it was named that due to being built on top of the entrance to Cocytus. What was the point of that exactly? Why wasn't it just Purgatory Hall from the start?? I don't know.

Hard Lesson:

Diavolo, Barbatos, Mephisto, and all the Little Ds are discussing the destruction of Cocytus Hall and that's when we find out they rebuild it into Purgatory Hall.

We also see Little D No 1 who makes an appearance for the first time. Barbatos says he wasn't able to maintain a physical form up until now. Diavolo speculates it's because their "Father" couldn't let Lucifer go before.

I do not understand this "Father" at all. I'm so confused about it and it's making me crazy (in case you couldn't tell).

Yeah, we got to make a pact with Lucifer. We got to kiss him. It's heavily implied we did some other stuff with him, too.

But this lesson was mostly about Father and his love and to me that all seemed to come out of freakin' nowhere. Especially since last I checked, it was Father who caused all of this bullshit to begin with???

I don't actually think "Father" is Nightbringer, but wouldn't that be interesting? Father of all demons is also the father of all angels? Why would they be different entities? Maybe they're two halves of the same whole? Maybe they're siblings?

I just don't know.

Yeah that's how I felt when Simeon and the angels were like okay see ya we're going back to the Celestial Realm! It's okay, Barb saved us. At least he seems to be chill about things.

And Solomon told the brothers he wasn't going to take MC back to the human world right away, so it's not the end yet. But can we go back now? I want to! I swear by now, I'd have confronted Barbatos because I think he knows what's going on and couldn't he just take me back to the present without all these other shenanigans? And make Solomon come back with me too, obviously. In fact, past!Barb can come too. You can never have too many Barbs!

Okay I'm devolving into nonsense. I just don't know how I feel about any of this. It's not making sense and I really hope that the next lesson clears some of this up for me.

[alphajocklover]

I'm 23 and have been obsessed with body-building for years. I'm nowhere near big though. I'd love to be blown up into an absolutely massive freak. I wanna struggle to fit through door ways, I want furniture to bend under me. I want most guys I hit on to think I'm too big.

Please can you blow me up and grow me into the biggest bodybuilder possible.

It’s finally time for another one of my personal transformations. It’s been a little bit since I helped turn that guy into a bodybuilder jock with a supernova charged battery, but last time was so much fun I knew I had to do it again when the chance came up. I guess the only real question is what transformation method is right for you. I could always use the supernova battery again, or one of the other transformation methods I mentioned in my first personal transformation, but if I’m being honest part of the fun last time was sharing all the ways I could transform people. So how about we take a look at some of my newer transformation methods.

Your first choice is a CD. It’s a special video made for me by a local football coach who has recently introduced the Jock Studies program to his school. I reached out in the hope of getting an interview with him, and just got this in return. Not even a proper response. It’s… kind of an obvious trap too. I mean, I ask a bunch of people who are famous for turning people into submissive jocks to give me an interview, and they send me an unmarked CD? I mean, you can’t report on this kind of stuff like I do without someone trying to transform you eventually. I was actually kind of honored that they considered me enough trouble to target me… but not enough to actually watch the video. You can have the CD if you want. I’m absolutely certain you’d turn into a massive jock. Although you’d also be incredibly submissive to the coaches who made this, which might not be your jam. Let’s look at the others before you decide at least.

Your next option is a bit complicated. It’s a time machine, recently stolen from a group named the SAD (society against douchebags) by the Douchebag Revolution. I did a favor for them recently so they gave me this. Said they could trust me to use it responsibly. Well, sort of. The way they said it included a lot more ‘bros’ and ‘fuck yeahs’ but that was basically the gist. Anyways, we could use it to change you by changing your past. A little manipulation of your life and you could end up a bodybuilder. The thing is that time travel is… risky. Ever heard of the butterfly effect? That’s why I try to avoid time travel as much as possible. Too much can go wrong. Let’s move onto something else, since this one is so… unpredictable.

How about this one? It’s water from a familiar little town called Maxford, the one that turns anyone who enters it into a straight, conservative jock or bimbo. Turns out drinking water that’s bottled inside the town has similar effects. Turns you into your Maxford self for 24 hours. You wouldn’t believe what I had to go through to get this. Entering Maxford was an… interesting experience. Um, anyways, it might not be the best choice for you. It’s temporary, and it will turn you straight the entire time you’re a hunk. That can be fun to try, but I get the feeling you want something more permanent. Let’s look at something else

Finally is a specially made necklace, a gold chain with a miniature dumbbell pendant. It’s made by a jewelry store chain that might sound familiar to you if you’ve read some of my earlier stories: EB Jewelry. Normally these are pretty expensive, and you’d have to buy them directly from EB Jewelry, but there was a mistake with manufacturing and they ended up with a surplus of these things. I bought a ton of them and wouldn’t mind parting with one. Put it on and you’ll transform into a total bodybuilder jock. More than that, I can give you more than one. You can share them with your friends, make an entire group of bodybuilder jocks that barely fit through doors. Yeah, that one is definitely the best choice. Go ahead, try it on.

Fuck you look good. You seem quite a bit dimmer now, which is to be expected, but god you look like walking sex. Make sure to share those necklaces with your friends. Using more than one might have… side effects. Plus, the more huge jocks, the better.

[crepes-suzette-373]

One Piece Magazine Reiju short story

I recently bought One Piece Magazine to read the Reiju short story. I don't know how to share this experience other than just straight up translating the whole thing, but it was utterly hilarious chaos with the brothers trying to cook and it just ended up being a disastrous mess.

I'll give a summary, I guess...

Reiju and her brothers went to another kingdom for a diplomatic discussion, but once they were done, the Germa ships that were supposed to pick them up got delayed by the weather. The bros can't wait so they demand the locals to be given a ship.

Niji/Yonji: "Oh good, they understand. So we don't have to steal a ship."

Well, they did tell the people that Germa will compensate them, but still.

And yeah, the guys were so hungry that they were like "Even though royals shouldn't do menial things like cooking, we're dying of hunger here so it can't be helped."

All writers apparently agree that Niji misses Sanji like an utter dumbass because in the kitchen he out of nowhere says "Didn't we used to have a younger brother called Sanji who likes to cook?"

Yonji says "Yeah, he was kind of lame" and Ichiji says there's been wanted posters of him being spread around.

(Edit: I saw another post saying that the one who brought up Sanji first is Ichiji. To be fair, in the actual text there's no dialogue tags indicating who was talking. It's definitely not Yonji, because it specified "younger" brother. I personally read this as Niji because the sentence was more informal-sounding)

Based on the info they got, Reiju is aware of Sanji's history with Baratie and the Straw Hat crew, and thinks that because he's listed as just a cook on the wanted posters and not "fighter/combatant", he's probably still not much stronger than before.

Ichiji found some pork, labelled to be from Broc Coli. Reiju mentioned that Broc Coli specialises in pig farming and the pigs have been selectively bred to improve the meat quality. Ichiji commented "Oh, it's similar to our lineage factor modification, then", but then the next second he suddenly gets mad about it himself, throws the meat to the ground and was like "How could pigs compare to our Vinsmoke royal family."

Reiju: "You brought it up yourself out of nowhere though? :/"

Ichiji is grumpy and wants to go fishing instead. With the Raid Suit. Don't know how, wasn't explained, maybe he Sparking Valkyrie'd the fishes.

Niji wants to make chocolates, but had a meltdown because the recipe calls for cooking/confectioner's chocolate. He was like "Why?? do you?? need chocolate?? to make chocolate??? If the chocolate is already there I'll just eat that directly???"

(Note: It's not making cake or brownies or anything, it's making something along the lines of chocolate truffles or milk chocolates or other forms of chocolate that isn't just straight up dark chocolate/confectioner's chocolate. He's confused because the final product is still just "chocolate")

Yonji wants to make bread because it looks easy. Reiju decided to try to make something too, and wanted to make tamagoyaki (Japanese rolled omelettes) because she remembered reading about it in a story book with Sora before.

Reiju's logic: "If a penguin (in the story book) can cook, then even a beginning like me can do it." (so much for Reiju being the rational one)

Yonji starts shouting for help. His bread is a goopy mess and is a total failure. Apparently he didn't add the yeast because the recipe says 3g of yeast, and that's almost 0, so he didn't add any. Reiju tells him to make sure to follow the steps properly.

Ichiji comes back with a giant fish, and is asking for poison check. No poison, so Reiju left him to cut the fish.

Yonji is still having trouble, and he says he had added the ingredients properly this time. The dough is still gloopy and will not firm up even after kneading. Reiju said that maybe because of the exoskeleton, their skin are too cold for the fermentation process to start activating.

Yonji is grumpy and asks if this means he can't make bread. Reiju suggest using hot water to warm his skin, but he's already really disgruntled and says that it's so lame that they have to rely on microorganisms to make bread (well, at least he knows yeast is microorganisms, not just another type of flour).

(Note: This part really does not sound right to me, honestly. Maybe this was just meant to show that Reiju and Yonji have zero knowledge in cooking, but bread dough not firming up and gloopy is usually not related to yeast or fermentation, but the gluten. Most cases that I know of are either caused by adding too much water, not enough kneading, the flour itself is not suitable for bread, or even the dough being over fermented. I've never heard of sticky dough problems being caused by hand temperature.)

(Edit: I've discovered that Japanese bread making guides do mention temperature affecting the dough, but it's nevertheless because of the gluten and not the yeast. This one might a goof on the author's side.)

Ichiji gave up fileting the fish because there's bones everywhere. he dumped all the dead fishes he caught back to the sea. Yonji gave up trying to make bread and tossed the failed dough away (and also threw away Reiju's egg attempt even though it was fine :/). Niji can't find any chocolate, so he has nothing.

They can't do anything except wait until they reach Germa and then just go "AAAAAAA FOOODD" (well, they act cool in front of the servants, but still).

Reiju herself showered and got cleaned up first before going to eat. Seeing the poisoned stonefish served, she wondered how normal chefs handle the poisonous ingredients and so she went to the kitchen to ask.

There was a young cook on cleaning duty that immediately panics, but then a senior cook named Beryl came out to answer her questions. Reiju says old lady Beryl has been there for a very long time, even before the kids were born.

Beryl explains that to treat the armoured stonefish to make it safe to eat is to let it swim in a tank with Ruby Wakame seaweed. The seaweed will absorb the toxins and after 3 weeks, the fish will change from purple to blue, and this indicates that the toxins is completely gone and it will be safe to eat.

An easier method would be to just skin the fish and take out the poisonous organs, but fish skin is a delicacy, and so the chefs would do this so they can serve cuts of the fish with the skin attached.

Reiju makes a comment that cooking must be very hard because her brothers are all picky eaters (not just Niji, apparently), but Beryl says she and the other chefs are happy to adjust the prep to make the food palatable to the boys.

"Ichiji-sama dislikes green vegetables, but if you chop it up finely and mix it with meat dishes such as hamburg steaks, he will eat it without noticing."

Reiju: Is he a toddler?

(Note: Dunno if this is a universal thing, but it's a Japanese thing that when toddlers hate vegetables, the parents would chop up vegetables and put it in meatballs or the toddler's other favourite food so that they can get the vegetable nutrients even though the child dislikes the vegetable's taste)

"Niji-sama dislikes things with complex seasonings, so things like the sauces and such has to be made to be very simple to the utmost extent."

Reiju: That's dumb.

"Yonji-sama doesn't like food with dry texture, but if it's served to him when he gets hungry between meal times, he'll usually eat it."

Reiju: Is he a dog?

(Note: There is a section where Reiju muses that the cooks "safeguards" their meals just like how "Germa 66 protect peace". What peace? In the main series they're fine with siding with whoever, as long as they get paid. This comment doesn't make sense unless maybe she was being ironic/sarcastic here.)

Reiju apologised for bothering the cooks at this time, and Beryl then lets slip that Sanji has been to the kitchens often. When Reiju presses further, eventually Beryl reveals that Sora likes to make desserts often. Sora would say that she hoped to someday be able to cook together with her kids.

Hearing this Reiju briefly fantasised baking together with her mother and Sanji. Knowing it's just idle fantasy, though, she thanks Beryl for telling her all these and helping her appreciate cooking more.

Reiju thinks of Sanji and reevaluates her opinions on him. He's not "just" a cook. People's lives are basically in the hands of the cook, especially on long voyages at sea. She is glad that him having a place as a ship's cook means that he's found good friends who rely on him and trust him.

She then transforms, and uses her ability to suck out the poison from the fish, saying that the cooks are welcome to ask her for help to take out the poison if they need to cook with the stonefish.

[xxzlushiez]

Hiiii, i hope you having good day! Can you please write story with tokio hotel (seperate) and them doing aftercare to reader? Luv yaaa🫶🏻🫶🏻

Sweetness

Tokio Hotel x GN! Reader

Synopsis: how the boys act after sex with their S/O (idk what to call this guys)

Notes: Implied sex ofc, aftercare, the boys just being sweet and mushy for Name, I made them in an established relationship I hope you don’t mind

A/N: HI Anon!! I hope your day is going good as well! I thought this request was so different than what I usually write and i had a lot of fun doing it🫶TYSM for the request! Luv ya🫶🫶

B. Kaulitz

- I’ve written some headcanons abt how he is in bed but let’s talk about the after🤭

- super sweet

- does anything you ask him to do

- we all know he’s a straight DOG for you so you can imagine how he is

- he doesn’t like to leave you because he thinks your super vulnerable in the moment

- brings you food after

- a little full of himself (but honestly if I was him, I’d act the same)

- he’s like “you probably can’t walk so I got you some things”

- but he just says it so nicely that you can’t even get mad

- like he doesn’t know how vulgar he sounds💀

- cuddles for at least an hour after even if you have stuff to do

- doesn’t let you leave

- you probably couldn’t even if you tried💀

—————

Gustav Schäfer

- I’m gonna say that he’s the most heartthrob one here (argue w the wall🤨)

- super-duper sweet

- like makes me wanna say “awwww ” sweet

- enjoys playing with your hair while you calm down

- you both just lay in bed and talk about upcoming events

-talks about his nerves about tours and likes to comfort you

-it's almost like a little therapy session

-just letting everything out with him from what he thinks about fans to things in your relationship

- massaging your shoulders because God damn, we know he goes rough asl

- likes to have a little make out sesh w u after (If you're up for it) 🤭

- just thinks you're so beautiful especially when the moonlight hits your face just right

- likes to see that after sex glow you have

-can't stop complimenting you

-every time he thinks he's noticed everything he finds something new to praise you on

-he is so sappy and it makes you swoon even more

-says you should take pain killers because wikihow said so💀

-cooks you a meal because he's a total chef as we know

- ugh I’m in love with him guys

—————

Georg Listing

- I was thinking for a long time about him contemplating yk?

- he’s a little different from the others

- lets you do what you want

-like if you say you just want to lay with him and don't need anything he's not going to push it but if you say you need something he turns into Speed😭

- needs to be with you though...

- just hanging around you

- helping with random tasks because they are “too hard on your aching body” (mf...)

- likes to embarrass you and joke about himself in bed

- knows how good he is and it makes you so mad because he brags

-does treat you like a princess though don't doubt him

-likes to take a long shower with you just washing off all the stress and emotions from the day

-says you should just rest for a while and stays with you

-makes a pillow fort and wraps you in blanket while you just sit there like 😒"not this again bro"

—————

Tom Kaulitz

-he's still getting used to the whole aftercare thing so bear with him for a little please

-but when he does get used to it, he's either just so awkward or really romantic

-on the awkward side he'll be like "...that was good. Do you feel good?"

-but that's usually only when he's like really dazed and fucked out

-normally he's just a talker

-makes sure your content before getting out of your shared bed to grab a cloth for you to clean up with

-prefers to just be calm and relaxed with you after. no distractions he's only focused on you

-it's kind of random but he really likes to choose clothes of his for you to wear so your comfy

-once you're both changed, he wants to just sleep

-I hope you're sleepy to because once he's cuddled up to you, he's GONE

-out like a light switch 💀

-there is no waking him up for at least a few hours

-so, get comfortable because he has an iron grip and won't let you go