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datura-foxglove · 6 years

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a gift for both

Thank you @bsd-secret-santa for organizing this event and answering a lot of my questions! Merry Christmast @neonfigs, I hope for a happy holiday to you, from you secret santa hahaha XD I hope you are satisfied with this DaAku fanfics!

(Akutagawa and Dazai meeting each other in christmas party)

Everything in that huge ballroom repulsed him.

The bright and colorful lights that hurts his eyes, the cheerful conversations that not quite overwhelmed the soft background music, the mouth-watering scents of various kinds of dishes arranged like art on the tables, the carefree smiles from both the mafia and the agency people…

Akutagawa Ryuunosuke stayed on the corner of the room, the only one who radiated aura that repulsed others just like how they repulsed him. The only taint in the painting of myriad colors and happiness.

He covered his mouth with his hand, familiar tinge of copper coated his tongue as his lungs racked from another cough fit. He stubbornly washed the taste down with water from the glass he had acquired earlier when a waiter foolishly approached him with a tray. The only reason why the weak waiter dared to approach him at all was the oath that both Mori and Fukuzawa agreed to in order to have this party. An oath to have both sides refrained from hurting and killing anyone for tonight, the night of celebration party for surviving their latest catastrophe. Any old grudges and strife must be forgotten for this night only, a night of peace after days of gruesome war against the Hunting Dogs. Every member of mafia couldn’t disobey that oath, for they didn’t wish to humiliate their Boss. That was why Akutagawa had to bear the muzzle that restrained his fangs, replacing his usual black coat with ridiculous party get up that Chuuya had coordinated himself. Gin had said that he looked good, but Higuchi was clearly unable to look at him without stuttering like a fool.

But Mori’s order wasn’t the only thing that forced Akutagawa to leave behind his coat, his only absolute safety and most treasured possession, to attend this party that he wished nothing to do with. No, Akutagawa’s reason to attend the party despite his misgivings, was the possibility that man would also attend this party. Akutagawa had done more terrible and more dangerous thing for that person that this sacrifice of comfort was laughable, yet he still stayed in that party. His sharp eyes looked for each corner of the room, hoping to see even the shadow of that person…

His patience was nearing his limit of having to hear the joyful laughter of the weretiger, so near to him but unable to silence with his black beast when his phone suddenly rang. His annoyed growl made everyone around him flinched and backed away, avoiding his ire as Akutagawa yanked out his phone from his pocket. However, all of that barely contained anger went down the drain the moment he saw the name of the caller. Without wasting any more precious second, Akutagawa accepted the call and hurriedly brought the phone to his ear with shaking hands. It felt like he waited forever until he heard that voice. The only voice that would erase everything from his mind so that he could focus on the owner of that voice alone.

“Hi, Akutagawa-kun.”

The messy and tangled thread of his mind slowly unraveled the moment he heard him calling his name. “Dazai-san…” he stood up straight and his eyes sharpened until people around him felt like he could cut them with just his gaze alone. “Do you need anything from me?”

Dazai calling him meant that he got an order for him. An absolute order that Akutagawa would risk even his life to fulfill, no matter what kind of order that was. He waited attentively, like a soldier ready to strike. However to his confusion, Akutagawa heard laughter from the phone. He had never heard Dazai laugh before, at least not from genuine amusement.

“No need to be so tense, I don’t have any order for you.” Akutagawa felt his heart sank to his stomach. Dazai must be able to see his face, because he heard that laughter again. “Don’t look so forlorn, Akutagawa-kun. I do have a request for you though.”

“What is it, Dazai-san?” Akutagawa immediately responded, the only response he would give to anything Dazai wished of him.

“Look up.”

Akutagawa raised his head, his eyes scanning the second floor balcony. Among the fewer people partying their life away on the second floor, he saw his former mentor casually observing him with both arms leaned on the railings. Just like Akutagawa, Dazai had discarded his usual beige trench coat with a formal suit. The left side of his hair was brushed behind his ear, which made Akutagawa’s heart stopped beating for a second. He knew Dazai looked good usually, his female fans back when he was in the mafia proved that, but it was unexpected that just a change or hair style could completely shut down Akutagawa’s brain for a moment.

He knew he was staring, but he couldn’t help it. Dazai noticed it too, but other than a smirk he didn’t say anything. He heard the call on his phone suddenly got cut off and Akutagawa felt the same disappointment and anger as that day when Dazai and the weretiger tricked him to chase after the wireless communication device when in the end Dazai hung up on him.

Dazai stood up straight, just like Akutagawa thought. He was going to leave him again, gaining amusement from how Akutagawa chased after every scrap of attention Dazai deigned to give to him. To his surprise, instead of just leaving cruelly like always, Dazai’s hand raise in front of him. He made a motion as if grabbing something from the thin air and pulled it gently towards him. Unconsciously, Akutagawa’s foot moved on it’s own and he stepped forward.

He saw a glint of satisfaction in Dazai’s eyes and that pushed him to move his foot again. Step by step, he walked closer. When he reached the stairs, Akutagawa had already forgotten everything. The party. Boss’ order. His own disappointment. Everything was unnecessary, so he discard everything away to chase after his former mentor. He even didn’t realize that he had started running, only his body’s hard trained instinct that enabled him to evade the other guests in his chase. He saw Dazai walked away, but his hand was still making that tugging motion.

As Akutagawa chased after that man’s shadow, he realized that Dazai was tugging the invisible chain that bound both of them together. Chain that Akutagawa wore himself years ago, in gratitude for giving a meaning to his life. That deep respect that wouldn’t be erased, no matter how the harsh Dazai trained him to life in the mafia. No matter how many times he was betrayed.

He ran and ran, his barely able to think mind in awe of how Dazai could keep the distance despite how relaxed he walked in comparison to Akutagawa’s frantic sprint. Dazai led him towards a secluded part of the hotel, outside of the noisy ballroom. Akutagawa remembered the blueprint of the hotel for emergency situation and his mind helpfully informed him that they were in the lobby. The mafia rented the whole hotel for tonight’s party and the whole staffs were busy servicing the party, so no one was in the lobby since there wouldn’t be anymore guest coming. But there should be guards patrolling the area…

“I had distracted the guards. We have around fifteen minutes before any of them back.” Dazai turned around and faced him, finally stopping. Akutagawa’s feet also halted, his whole body frozen when he had the full attention of his former mentor. “Let’s talk for a bit.”

Akutagawa didn’t know what to do. What was it that Dazai wished to say to him that he went out of his way to ensure privacy for them? His mind thought of many possibilities and only one seemed the most plausible in his mind.

“Do you want me to kill someone for you?” Akutagawa could only think that. Dazai was working for the Agency now and he may be unable to eradicate anyone without consequences like when he was in the mafia. He knew that Dazai could kill someone and leave no trace behind, but using him was the easiest. Akutagawa was infamous for his reputation as the mafia’s rabid dog, people wouldn’t bat an eye if he killed. Although… he had promised the weretiger to not kill for a while, in order to challenge him again. Of course, he could discard that promise if that became an obstacle in fulfilling Dazai’s order. Although, that would leave a bad taste after his hard work for months in restraining himself from killing his targets.

Dazai smiled, as if expecting his words. “No. Beside, didn’t you make a promise with Atsushi-kun to not kill? I had heard about it, how you managed to keep that promise until now. Even when your opponents were the Hunting Dogs.” Dazai closed his eyes, his expression became a bit more genuine. “I am proud of you.”

Akutagawa’s whole body froze, his widened eyes stared at Dazai in disbelief. “What…?”

“Before, no matter how many times I ordered you to restrain yourself, you keep showing no mercy and killed your opponents.” Akutagawa barely able to hide the wince as he remembered Dazai’s harsh punishment, and from the way the smile disappeared from Dazai’s face he knew that he couldn’t hide it from Dazai. “But you have grown now. You are able to keep to your words, no matter how hard you have to retrain your natural killing instinct and how much more difficult it was to fight tough opponents.”

He remembered the fight with the Hunting Dogs, of how much he had to restrain Rashoumon from targeting vital spots in his enemies’ body. Despite how his hesitance dulled his blade and made it easy for his enemies to corner him.

“You are still in the process, but you will someday outgrow the shadow that I left behind.” Dazai’s words were like hammer that completely destroyed him. “My role as your mentor is over.”

Rashoumon responded to the turmoil in his heart and raged, tendrils of black beast ripped from his clothing, familiar and strange at the same time. Akutagawa was used to pain. His life was full of painful experiences, but everytime he managed to grit his teeth and bear it. But this pain, like there was an invisible blade stabbing through his chest, was unlike any other. He couldn’t deal with the burn behind his eyes nor the way his heart felt like it would break into pieces. So Akutagawa sought for comfort from other feelings that he knew better.

Anger.

Hatred.

“Why!?” Akutagawa screamed, his eyes wild like a mad beast finally unleashed. “Why do you keep leaving me behind? Why—“

He felt a touch on his cheek, and the tranquil that washed over him was familiar. No Longer Human forced Rashoumon back, leaving him defenseless without his most powerful weapon and shield. Akutagawa hissed as he pulled back his fist, trying to prove to Dazai and himself that he wasn’t weak just because his Ability was nullified, but Dazai caught his fist as well.

“Calm down. I said that I am no longer your mentor, but that doesn’t mean that our relationship is over.” Dazai kept his fist and Ability sealed, but it was his words that completely bound him. “This just means that we are equal now.”

Akutagawa slowly pulled his hand back, staring at Dazai in disbelief. “Equal…?”

“I have done a lot of horrible things to you in the past out of necessity and I know you won’t blame me for it because you thought it made you stronger. I can’t make things right if you don’t even wish for it in the first place.” Dazai caressed his cheek, making Akutagawa shivered. He didn’t know if it was from the skin contact or Dazai’s words. Maybe both. “So let’s start over from the beginning. I am not your mentor and you are not my subordinate.”

In despair, Akutagawa reached forward and grabbed Dazai’s suits. “But… if I am not your subordinate anymore, then what am I to you now?” His meaning to life, his only ambition and desire, was to someday meet Dazai’s expectation of him. If Dazai wasn’t his mentor anymore, the meaning of his life would be forever unattainable.

Dazai gently touched his trembling hands, the gentleness unfamiliar to Akutagawa that he couldn’t help to flinch. The shine in Dazai’s eyes darkened a bit at that, but his touch stayed gentle. “Now that you are no longer my subordinate, you are someone precious to me. Akutagawa-kun, you always stay loyal to me, even after I have left you behind in the mafia. I don’t deserve that loyalty, but you give it to me anyway. I had expected you to discard me as you seek power, but you keep me in your heart still.”

Dazai leaned forward, until his lips were right beside Akutagawa’s ear. “I want to see more of your growth, with me by your side.”

Akutagawa could feel warmth radiated in his chest from Dazai’s words. It made butterflies flew around in his stomach and the corner of his lips twitched outside of his control. Dazai leaned back, his widened eyes stared at Akutagawa in somewhat stunned look. It took Dazai a few moments before he smiled. An awe filled him, similar yet different with the awe he felt when he looked at calligraphy.

“What a beautiful smile.” Dazai chuckled as he said that. “Is that my Christmas gift?”

Akutagawa was shocked. He didn’t realize that he had smiled at all. He shook his head to protest, because he was sure that Dazai’s smile was much more beautiful than his.

“Now that I have received such a nice gift, I have to give you one too.” Dazai whispered, a sharp glint appeared in his eyes that made Akutagawa instantly wary. “Close your eyes.”

Akutagawa closed his eyes, still used to instantly obeying whatever Dazai ordered him to do. Dazai made a rueful sigh sound, but he didn’t comment on it. Akutagawa waited for what Dazai had planned, but nothing prepared him when he felt something soft and warm touched the corner of his lips, light like butterfly’s wings.

Akutagawa immediately opened his eyes, his gaze immediately fell on Dazai’s face right in front of him. There was a naughty smirk on his face, although that smirk disappeared quickly when both of them heard the footsteps of the guards returning.

“It seems time is up. We should return.” Dazai walked ahead of him. Akutagawa thought he would be left alone with his brain still is mush with what happened earlier, but Dazai turned around and offered his hand to him. “Will you go back with me?”

There was no longer invisible chain binding Akutagawa to this man, yet he still feel the pull to follow him. His hand gingerly accepted Dazai’s, both of their cold hands warmed by each other. Dazai pulled him along gently with him and Akutagawa stepped beside him, walking side by side as they returned back to the still ongoing party. All the way and even after they returned, their hands still intertwined with each other.

(A bit of bonus, since I can’t decide between this fic and the other I had made. You can take this as a sequel from the first one, although it’s not really related.)

Akutagawa woke to the sound of Gin cooking in the kitchen. He looked at the clock by the side of his bed and frowned. It was rare that he slept for more than three hours. The morning chill made his chest uncomfortable, but he ignored the discomfort as he started his morning routine.

Gin had already prepared his breakfast, light and just the bare minimum, with a plate of figs as dessert. Just the way he liked it. They ate in silence, with sometimes Gin talking about her upcoming missions as he nodded along.

Suddenly, his phone rang. Akutagawa pulled it out from his pocket, expecting sudden missions. To his surprise, a short message from Dazai was the one that appeared on the screen. Gin hid her knowing smile behind her mug, making Akutagawa wondered if he was that easy to read.

Still, the butterfly on his stomach fluttered as he read the message.

“Today is Christmas. How about a date?”

Dazai didn’t have to ask. Akutagawa would drop any unimportant things if that meant he could spend time with him.

“Yes, Dazai-san.”

“Great, I will wait for you at the station at ten then.”

“Understood.”

Akutagawa put away his phone and stood up, already about to leave for the station when Gin stopped him by pulling his coat.

“It’s cold outside, it’s better if you wear more layers. It will be bad if you get sick while you are with Dazai-san.” Gin reasoned, her smile kind. “It won’t take much time at all. I will help you.”

Akutagawa relented as his sister wrapped him up with scarf and thicker coat, the material warm and light. Gin picked a pair of black gloves to keep his hands warm. In the end, he looked almost ridiculous with all the extra layers despite Gin’s insistence that he looked really great.

Despite still having a lot of time to spare, Akutagawa almost sprinted outside if not for Gin walking halfway with him as she was going to her work.

When Dazai finally appeared just in time, Akutagawa had been waiting. He frowned when he noticed how pale Akutagawa looked. Dazai stripped off one of his gloves and touched Akutagawa’s skin, his frown deepening when he felt how cold Akutagawa’s cheek was. He took Akutagawa’s hand and brought him inside of a café nearby. Akutagawa didn’t resist as Dazai made him sat in one of the tables, wrapped him in a blanket the café provided, and ordered a hot green tea and hot coffee for both of them.

Dazai sighed as they wait for their order. Akutagawa thought that Dazai would reprimand him, but Dazai kept silent. Wordlessly, Dazai pulled Akutagawa’s gloves off and then hold his hands. The warmth of Dazai’s hand felt really nice on his cold skin.

“I got tickets for calligraphy art exhibition.” Dazai’s thumb caressed the knuckles of his hands. “You still like those, right?”

Akutagawa nodded. Even if he didn’t like it, as long as it was with Dazai he would follow wherever he would go. But he was honest when he said that he still liked calligraphy. The strokes of the blank ink on a white paper was the closest thing Akutagawa could feel to awe at any beauty.

Dazai’s frown melted into a small smile. “Good. I already reserved a place for dinner, but do you have somewhere you want to go for lunch?”

“Anywhere is fine.” Akutagawa nodded. As long as he was with Dazai, anyplace was fine.

“That is actually the hardest to choose, you know?” Dazai chuckled a bit. “There is a restaurant nearby the museum, do you want to try that place?”

Akutagawa nodded again, probably to Dazai’s expectation. Their conversation was interrupted when a waiter brought their orders; a coffee for Dazai and a hot green tea for Akutagawa. Dazai let go of his hands so Akutagawa could hold the better source of warmth, but Akutagawa preferred the warmth of Dazai’s hands than the hot cup of green tea.

They talked a bit more, their conversation light as they relearn everything about each other. Some things had changed, while others remained the same. Akutagawa etched everything Dazai told him in his heart, memorizing every words. It wasn’t long at all, but they finally left the café after finishing up their drinks and Akutagawa’s body had warmed up.

The cold bit into his skin when they braved the cold weather outside of the café, but this time Dazai stayed close and held his hand. Akutagawa felt like he turned into a sponge that absorbed any warmth given by Dazai. The walk from the café towards the museum was quite long, but spending it with Dazai by his side made it barely noticeable. The warm air inside the museum made the two of them breathe a sigh of relief, although Akutagawa’s attention was quickly distracted by the myriad of calligraphy proudly displayed on the walls.

They took their time to visit and appreciated each one of the calligraphy. Each calligraphy, even with the same kanji, had different brush strokes that attracted his interests. When Dazai excused himself to search for a toilet, Akutagawa revisit each one of his favorites and made sure to remember the calligrapher in his mind.

They left the museum hours later, not noticing how time had gone. It was too late for lunch, so they bought a nikuman at the nearest convenience store that they shared. Both of them ate very little, so they didn’t want to ruin their appetite for dinner by eating too much.

Dazai broke the hot white bun in two and offered one to Akutagawa as they walked. “There is still time until dinner, do you want to go somewhere? I won’t accept answers like ‘anywhere is fine’.”

Akutagawa froze a bit, completely troubled. Dazai’s teasing smirk didn’t help at all. Akutagawa tried to postpone his answer by taking a bite of his steaming bun, but Dazai only waited patiently, not letting Akutagawa escape at all. When he had eaten the last bit of his nikuman, Akutagawa finally remembered something. “How about the traditional garden?”

Dazai knew which one Akutagawa talked about. “The one Kouyou-nee likes? Since it’s winter, there will be less people there.”

Akutagawa nodded. He preferred places with less people than the crowded ones. “Can we go there?”

“Sure.” Dazai smiled and took Akutagawa’s hand once again. “Anywhere you want.”

The act of kindness, no matter how many times Dazai had showed this side of him, had never failed to send his heart aflutter. His cheeks reddened and he followed beside Dazai as Dazai took him to the station.

They went to the park. Then they had dinner in a nice restaurant with a secluded room for privacy. The food was delightful and not heavy enough that his stomach protested at the end of the meal. The whole time, they had small talks about everything and nothing at once. It was a really nice date for Akutagawa, he even got a dessert takeout for Gin. Time passed by so quickly, surprising Akutagawa when the sky was dark the time they left the restaurant.

The end of their date was slowly coming. They had to return soon because tomorrow their presence would be demanded by their work place. The Port Mafia for him, and The Detective Agency for Dazai. The peaceful day they enjoyed would soon be chased by days of fighting once again. Today was like an oasis in the harsh desert of their life.

When they reached the station where they met up in the morning, Dazai let go of his hand. His hand felt achingly empty and cold without Dazai’s to hold. But Akutagawa gritted his teeth and endured his dissatisfaction. Both of them looked at each other, hesitating to say goodbye.

At last, Dazai smiled wistfully. “Merry Christmas, Akutagawa-kun.” Dazai took out a small box of present that he hid on the pocket of his coat.

Akutagawa’s eyes widened. He didn’t expect that both of them would exchange any gift. “I—My apologies, I didn’t—“

“It’s alright. I already received it.” Dazai leaned over and brushed his lips on Akutagawa’s cheek. “Today is the nicest gift you can give to me.”

Akutagawa’s cheek burned on the spot where Dazai kissed him. His trembling hands accepted the small box, his breath hitched when the paper that enveloped his gift had a print of calligraphy on it. “Is this--?”

“A set of calligraphy brushes and charcoal ink.” Dazai grinned. “Make sure you show me your calligraphy soon, okay?”

He had never tried calligraphy himself, despite his interest in it. But now that Dazai was expecting him to do it, the fire of determination burned him. He would make sure he could create a calligraphy art that would make Dazai proud of him. “I understand.”

Dazai sighed, although his eyes watched Akutagawa with fondness. “See you again, Akutagawa-kun. Say ‘hi’ to Gin for me.”

Akutagawa hesitated, which made Dazai frowned a bit. He saw Dazai opened his mouth to ask what’s wrong, but Akutagawa quickly stepped forward. He grabbed Dazai’s coat and pulled him closer to plant a kiss on Dazai’s lips. Dazai’s eyes widened for a moment, before mischief bloomed in those dark eyes and Akutagawa was surprised when Dazai deepened the kiss. It was just an innocent kiss, but it took his breath away unlike the way his illness usually did. It felt way more pleasant… and it warmed Akutagawa’s heart and body. Akutagawa whispered ‘Merry Christmas’ to Dazai’s lips as Dazai kissed him again.

They would have to part ways soon, but this moment, this single moment… was all that they need.

#bsdsecretsanta #dazai osamu #akutagawa ryunosuke #daaku #bsd-secret-santa

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