#but I’m still super anxious
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in other news tomorrow is match #3 for me and I suicide ranked only my home program. So.
#the match system is so dystopian if you think about it for more than 1 second#you interview at programs all over the country. you make your list of where to go. they make their list.#then a giant algorithm sorts people into their highest ranked program that also wants them back#so if you’re bound to a certain geographic area#you better hope it’s an undesirable place to live a non-academic program or that you’re the most stellar applicant#for residency I desperately wanted to leave my home state and matched at my 2nd choice but interviewed at 12 programs#for fellowship number one I interviewed at 10 places and matched my first choice#now with fellowship number two I interviewed at 4 places and only ranked one#we call that suicide ranking because it’s an all your eggs in one basket situation#either you get it or you don’t have a job.#it’s not a big deal for me really because I would otherwise just enter the workforce#but it’s actually late to look for work starting next academic year#essentially if I don’t match it’s going to be a scramble to find something#yikes. I know it will be fine. I’m a good candidate. I’ve been at this institution for 5 years#but I’m still super anxious
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Hello hello — this is a gentle reminder that I will always do my best to write with others who have given me the chance to interact with them, but ultimately I do need it to be known that my partner, @saintfromkrypton, will always be prioritized first and foremost. I made Bruce to write with their Clark and wouldn’t have him if they didn’t give me the encouraging push to try building up this portrayal of Bruce alongside them.
I am very excited to start things up with folks, but I also have been slow because of irl factors as of late. I am grateful for the patience shown in me being slow to interact. I have tried my best when I come across Askmemes from mutuals on dash. I will be slow for a while still till I can find a comfortable groove however. This is just a reminder I’m not purposefully ignoring anyone.
I do really want to build up deep dynamics with people but I need it to be known I am a slow writing partner, but I promise if you choose to develop with me and are willing to be patient, it will be worth it. 🫶💕
#' ◁ ılı||ılı ▷ … ¹¹. 𝙾𝚞𝚝 𝙾𝚏 𝙱𝚊𝚝𝚜 🦇#I am a little anxious#It feels like some people have shown interest and just… never again because I am slow so I’m trying to just brush it off and focus on the#Folks that have shown interest so far and been super kind and supportive with everything going on.#I will be back here soon a lot more though so hopefully I’ll follow up on the edits I promised and the starters and inbox memes#V has been helping me develop more and plan HCS out for our main verse and has been super supportive with everything#Again life has just been a little crazy lately 🫶💕#This is mostly also a check in to reassure I am still here and plan to be more active. There is still interest I promise
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the Anxiety threatens to swallow me whole today
#i am not doing so hot#i have to take my car to get an oil change which is fine#not a big deal and i’ve done it countless times before#and yet i still get super anxious about it#plus my period finallt started and i’m in so much pain that i just wanna curl up in a ball and sleep#finally*#and i woke up with a stiff neck#anyway!#that’s enough complaining lol#on a positive note i got some writing done today!#hoping to have storm chaser rhett posted sometime next week
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Wish me luck today I’ve got a photography gig for the longest time and of course it’s an outdoor location and of course it’s -15 degrees Celsius outside and on top of that I need to drive over 100km and the roads are icy as fuck and I still have the shitty winter tyres I’ve been bitching about for weeks lmao
Let’s see how I’ll survive, running on faith at this point
#it’s not even six am and I’m staring outside like why#and I charged both of my batteries but I’m pretty sure they’ll die in the cold so fast#I really need to buy a battery grip#also I hate hate hate the idea of bringing my gear into those temperatures especially bringing them back in#I’ve got my mini grips for all my lenses and the body I know how to prevent the condensation but it still stresses me out#because that shit is coincidentally the most expensive shit I own#I’ve got insurance I’ve got insurance I’ve got insurance#also I’m manifesting not too horrible traffic this morning (I can always wish)#super great to be overly anxious about everything hours prior#also my pos car better start ffs#German cars aren’t built for this weather#but yeah I’ll give y’all an update if I survive#vee talks#photography
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flippin boobahs!
#weezer#rivers cuomo#brian bell#patrick wilson#scott shriner#OKAH HI CHAT#i’ve been thinking#this tag will be just a rant not really weezer related#yk laufey ?#i was listening to her song ‘letter to my 13 year old self’ and just started overthinking about myself when i was younger#i just think about my younger self and get so sad thinking about her; i wish i could’ve done more for her#i was a huge introvert and talking to anybody made me super super anxious; so much so that my teacher noticed and had me join a ‘social#emotional learning’ group where we spoke about low self esteem and how to raise it and everything like that#i only left it in 8th grade because i didn’t wanna keep missing class for it; but it made me so sad to think i thought so low of myself#i would wear hoodies all the time and jeans because i used to hate my body a lot#which is awful to do in socal heat!#i think it started because in my family i was always stereotyped as the fat one; yk how mexican families are? they called me gordita for#the longest time; which made me incredibly insecure and only in 10th grade did i start showing my arms 😭 IK ITS DUMB BUT ITS SO WEIRD#i still can’t do it entirely; i’ll wear shrugs and things like that because i still am insecure about my arms sometimes but ive been better#i only really had one friend but she had a different lunch; so i was alone for most of the time on the swings by myself or sitting at the#lunch tables alone waiting for lunch to end and this noon duty came to me a lot and would talk to me since she felt bad i was always alone#while everybody else played with each other ; and i don’t know why i just broke down thinking about how lonely i was at the time#i’d go to the school’s friendship room everyday after that because it was just a teacher who let kids come inside her room to play games if#they didn’t wanna be in the heat and soon i became friends w the teacher and she’d play uno with me everyday; mainly because the room was#relatively empty until they got loom bands! and i was an expert on loom bracelets so i would help others make them and that was a confidenc#e boost; i remember being proud of myself for socializing like that LOL#i just get sad thinking about that time; i like to think that if little Lyss saw me; she would be so proud because i have friends;#a boyfriend ; good grades ; and i’m well liked and regarded. i hope she’s proud of my progress socially because it was such a leap#i wish i could go back in time and tell her how much better things get and how she won’t be lonely forever#…and to not online date. definetly don’t do that one.
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finally applied for the job I’ve been putting off today
#The position is still available so that’s good#was super anxious about it but I did it cuz I’m soooo strong 💪#not really I was so anxious I almost puked n my hands were bleeding from digging my nails in too hard#optimistic about my chances of being hired#screaming
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I’m so surprised that my skin has been pretty clear and I haven’t really had any blemishes or breakouts for the past month or two… I’m even more surprised that I haven’t broken out when I got my period the past two times either cuz I usually always do break out…
#I don’t want to jinx anything but my skin has been looking pretty good in my opinion#still deal with dry skin but it’s not as bad as it used to be over the past couple years#lowkey kinda wonder if it has to do with me switching face washes and using moisturizer w/ spf now#and maybe cuz I’m not like super anxious anymore about school/nursing or that I’m officially no contact with my cousin…
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😬
#got the call I’ve been waiting for#starting my PHP on Friday#8:15-10 doing some intake shit#and then the rest of the day is starting the program#I am so fucking scared and anxious and all the feelings#but I need to do this#the financial person is going to call me tomorrow#and I really really hope I can figure out something#cause I need to do this#but $3000?#fuck off#not to mention I still gotta pay almost $2000 for my sleep study bs 🙃#oh how I love being alive right now it’s gr88888888888#send me praise and love pls#I’m super proud of myself for finally doing it#but I’m still terrified#shut up rosie
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.
#have my first day at a new job tomorrow#and while I’m super excited#I’m also super anxious#bc I’m so bad around new ppl#the good thing is I won’t be alone bc I’ll have onboarding and all that#but still#every time before starting at a new place I’m a nervous wreck 😭
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my friends r like weird about homeless people i feel like i have to keep saying like bro they’re not gonna fucking do anything to you. like. they are people having a rough fucking stroke of luck struggling and not receiving any help. being looked down on so much. just treat them with a litte humanity wtf
#like when ppl talk abt homeless people they really forget they’re talking about. people.#i understand being worried about anybody when you’re in a new place etc but i really do feel like it’s the White Woman conditioning#i’m just anxious around everybody and barely talk to strangers in public lol but. idk. i feel like it’s super degrading and insensitive the#way everyone’s talking abt them#abby talks#esp considering how many might be having mental health crises with no support or even just basic needs to fall back on. that fucking sucks#the one i’ll give a little grace to cause she had a bad experience in a subway but like still the others. y’all are being weird
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👋 2022
#I won’t go into detail about real life except that it was. well. a Trip#learned some things went through things. the year of baby steps I guess#BUT I wanna write some thoughts about my 2022 tumblr experience down#it was… also quite a Trip#positive first: learned to stay off this site when necessary! very important mental-health wise#my most used tag this year was my track tag! shoutout to everyone who’s been using it#you bring me much joy by sharing your creations with me. I appreciate it 🤍#another shoutout to all the incredibly lovely people who’ve come to my inbox this year#I’ve been very lucky in that regard. 98% of my anons have been the kindest sweetest most eloquent people#and I’m happy to have been able to have super interesting thoughtful and respectful discussions from time to time#okay what else. oh HIGHLIGHT of my year here – my birthday ADFFGHJ#I felt so so so spoiled and couldn’t (still can’t) believe the amount of spectacular gif(t)s I got. made me feel stupidly happy oh my god#I learned a lot of new skills and techniques for gfx making. kept experimenting with different styles which has been fun!#gif making has turned more into a relaxing activity than something that makes me feel pressured and anxious#I dialed it down a bit compared to last year and I think that was a good decision as well#as for not so positive things. well.#of course there are the usual/ general ‘complaints’ like lack in interaction and the like#got my first proper anon hate in November. that was something#HUGE lesson I learned this year: just because someone states in their bio that they’re adults doesn’t mean they act like ones <3#people can be very childish ruthless and simply not worth one’s effort#and a last thing that fits quite well to that: 9 out of 10 people do not care about you. not about your time and effort you put in content#not about whether you’re online or not. not about how you might feel when they say and do certain things#I think I need to learn how to embrace this kind of insignificance. be more audacious. find validation within myself#okay I’ll stop now#I wanna say thank you to all the lovely people who made this year on tumblr more enjoyable and who truly brighten the place up for me#I love you lots and wish you all the best for 2023#it’s gonna be a hard year for me with lots of challenges and changes#and it’s nice to have this little space here where you can escape to from time to time#mwah. smooches to all of you. happy new year <3
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These two days are going to be actual hell on earth
#I’m actually so fucking anxious about going to see my family#like it’s always nerve wracking and over stimulating and miserable#but I haven’t seen them since January#and they’re all acting super excited and like it’s gonna be fun but ik it’s gonna be the same it always is#which is tense and weird and awkward because we don’t talk to each other and know we don’t like each other#and I’m even MORE nervous than usual this time because I got a tattoo on my forearm since I last saw them#it’s a tattoo I can’t cover up that none of them know about#and I’m like what if this is it? what if this is the last straw for them?#and this is what finally leads to it all boiling over and them going ‘we KNOW you’re a lesbian and we KNOW you don’t go to church and we’re#NOT going to ignore it anymore because you did this PERMANENT THING that goes against our beliefs’#and then I will have a reaction to that. I’m not even sure what reaction but there will Be one#or will my mother and grandmother’s intense denial and desire for everything to be like it was when I was kid win out?#will they sweep it under the rug and not acknowledge it like everything else and pretend it’s all fine and we’re a big happy family#and I’m not going to hell and living a sinful life?#and my fucking sister is messaging me about meeting her bf#as if this matters. as if we’re close. as if it has any bearing on anything#as if I will still be an actual part of this family by the time she’s old enough to get married#uuugggghhhhhhhh#part of me wants it to go great and be nice and actually have a decent relationship#but I just know that’s not what is going to happen#and it’s so. blech. gross. ugh#I hate family stuff I wish they’d just hurry up and disown me so at least I know where we all stand#I’ve got t minus four days to finish mentally preparing#kaz rambles
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maybe i shoulda kept posting about dnd actual play on here tbh. i love my silly sideblog but you guys are so silly and i think my insanity needs to be broadcast
#it was a moment of anxious weakness#anyways. i’m gonna keep doin the sideblog thing cos i have two super epic mutuals now over there#and also cos it’s funny#but yeah would you still love me if i was a worm 🥺#lunar winds
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my cat got seriously injured and now he’s in a clinic and he’s gonna have to go through surgery on monday :(
#he’s been through a lot before so this isn’t anything new#but still#hes a very anxious cat and I’m scared he might get too stressed out by the environment#the vets said they’ve never seen a case like his before#we don’t know how he could’ve gotten himself into this situation#my parents noticed he was limping last night and went to the vet 20 min later#at least they acted quickly#apparently his hind paw is super swollen#something about a torn acl#and vets say there’s a possibility max might die or that the surgery won’t even work#no bc you don’t understand I’m scared shitless#max is his name btw#:((((#hes like the bruiser woods to my elle woods
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does anyone know how fast the FWA rooms registration usually fills up? never done anything like this and i dont know what to expect at all
#like literally are we talking minutes or days or weeks or months#I do not know lol#they said it opens either next week or next month its kinda not clear#and I still don’t have a guaranteed answer from someone on if were going together or if I’m going alone#and I don’t have all the money I wanted to save yet#but i dont think I’ll need to pay it all at once at least?#idk im getting super anxious about this lately because I don’t KNOW ANYTHING#hard to get useful answers from anyone on anything haha#shut up green
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me to my mom earlier this week: no i’m not stressed! i’m great! just got a lot going on
me three (3) days later‚ approaching a deadline: whuh oh
#vent#should i quit my job y/n?#i’m moving across the state in like two weeks#and meanwhile i have to go to work four days a week. work on my online class (due tomorrow and i have three assignments left)#and i have to pack#and i was sick a couple days ago and im still not feeling the best#and i have to find a new job on the other side of the state where im moving. and i interviews and shit#the one place im really hoping to work at hasnt called me yet :(#another place called me and left a message but i was so anxious that i didnt call them back bc i am stupid 🫠#just want to have a little cry#look i could quit my current job. its super flexible and its seasonal so id just be like yeah actually i have to go now sorry#and it would be chill#and i have quite a bit of money saved#the thought of packing all my shit is so stressful. why do i have so much stuff
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