#but again that goes up to the line where i'd be defining something i consider inherently undefinable

[cosmicyeen]

Sudden desire to ramble out of nowhere BUT I've just come across a conversation people are having about AI images, and how some artists are feeling demotivated because they'll never be "as good as the AI," and that was a shock to me. I don't think I've ever looked at AI art with any kind of jealousy, nor with disappointment at not meeting that "level," even though the images are otherwise aesthetically good to look at.

So of course I wondered, why didn't I have that reaction to what is objectively technically proficient imagery? The desire to have my art look a certain way has always been with me, especially when I was learning as a kid, and admittedly I do still look at others' art with envy at times.

But, by default my brain never looked at AI art with anything other than the depth I might look at a billboard ad with. I see more or less pleasing images, and nothing to prop them up.

This isn't to say I think I have some superior viewpoint here; if AI art had been a thing when I started out (or even if i had just not found a different mindset around art as a whole) I likely would have felt that same kind of demotivation.

I'm also not saying art needs to mean something explicit or profound every time, the whole "AI images as "real" art" thing is a fascinating discussion imo, but whether one considers it art is also not really relevant to my point here.

This is more an explanation of a mindset I didn't realize I had been building, and it's kind of nice to look back and realize how my mind's changed over the years I've been drawing. There were probably two main points where this happened.

For one thing, the things I value in art are different, and thus my taste has changed. I used to wish my art could be hyperrealistic, and this is fine as a goal of course, but it wound up being a goal I drifted from over time as I found less and less satisfaction with just repeating images in front of me. I noticed realism suddenly having value to me not for what it perfectly reiterates, but for how much time and raw skill it takes to get to that point. Nonetheless, I wanted to keep going, to make my *own* images, to see what rules I could break and reinvent for myself.

Same goes for the art of others; I value the skill I can see behind each line, and I wonder what each stroke and dot and color choice means and comes from, what they choose to add and bend and leave out instead of just mimic.

The other, and main underpinning of this mindset finally happened when I got into spinning and fiber arts. I used to prefer the look of chunky "homespun" yarn and weavings, not understanding the appeal of the otherwise-visually-boring-threads of uniform thickness I would see. But, after I got into it and saw how much time and raw skill it takes to spin yarn, and I saw others share their skeins of a uniformity and lightweightness that I still havent gotten near skill-wise, the once uninteresting fiber arts began to suddenly become so much more interesting to me.

Chunky and art yarns are still good, don't get me wrong, but they're just the beginning now. Lace, something I never thought twice about, suddenly became a baffling complexity of knots and loops.

Embroidery, defined not just by the final image, but by every stab of the needle and pull of the thread.

A uniform white rag, now known by the patience needed to clean every fiber, spin every thread to such a light weight, and align it all perfectly on a loom.

Every line in a drawing, a shape someone has drawn a thousand times before, honing muscle memory and understandings of balance and color and contrast in both conscious and unconscious ways. As far as I'm concerned, the imperfect circle someone has drawn a thousand times is more interesting than the perfect one, and every perfect circle takes on a life of its own when used as a tool and not an aspirational goal.

Somewhere along the line, I began seeing a kind of awe in artwork that I can only describe as an awareness of the crystallization of time. And I think that's why AI images don't give me any sense of insecurity as an artist

[decolonize-the-everything]

(to preface this, i am white. figured i should make that known off the bat) i wanted to come bounce an idea off of you that i've been rolling around in my head for a bit. i have this pet theory that, for the population ill call here "white progressive queers who know very little about poc and racism", a large underpinning of this group's interaction with poc is a Fear of Fucking Up and more generally, moral purity thought. they (maybe even "we"- im still hopefully learning myself) get so paralyzed by this idea and line of thinking that goes something like this: "1) since i know nothing about poc & racism, then 2) clearly in discussions about these topics, i will fuck up and say something wrong or perhaps even Bigoted, which if i did 3) makes me an Irreparable Ontologically Evil Racist, hence 4) i should just be quiet and never ask questions/speak on these topics" which then results in said White Progressive Queer and those around them never learning. i wanted to know what you think abt this and tell me if im on the mark or not

also thank u for the work u do on this blog, ive found so many helpful resources through you

You're right. In my experience that's exactly how it is.

I want to add tho: yes they're uncomfortable that they might fuck up and be considered racists sure, but a huge part of that stems from the massive inability to place the discomfort where it belongs. Which is with their own guilt.

Instead they blame the conversations for making them uncomfortable.

And let's take some worthy notes here: this is not how white people feel all the time. Because white people are not uncomfortable making these fuck ups in front of other white people.

So it's not that the conversation is uncomfortable. They are made uncomfortable. And they are made uncomfortable because even when discussing anti-racism they step into the role of oppressor (the little fuck ups or accidentally bigoted comments) so naturally and God forbid other (not white) people can See how easy it is.

My advice for white people that are like this (that nobody asked for) is

Your fuckups do not define you but how you react to them does

Listen, respect, learn

That's it. That's the whole list. Say something bad? Apologize, but don't over-explain yourself. Ask how to fix it. Google how you fucked up so you understand why it wasn't okay. Google again to get idea of how your fuck up hurts people. Google some more to make sure you don't do it again. Go to some safe space and ask some clarifying questions. Listen, respect, learn.

Maybe the people you fucked up with don't forgive you and that's okay, they don't have to. But YOU won't ever make anyone feel bad or less than in the same way ever again and that's what matters.

Having one less person making racist comments matters even if it's a struggle for that person to get to that point.

I need y'all to understand that none of you are gonna just wake up being suddenly perfect anti-racist allies. And we will literally never ever have allies like that if y'all refuse to even sit with your own discomfort.

•°•°•

This weird morality issue white people have over looking racist is also just such a non-problem. Like if y'all want a PoC perspective: white people are already being racist ¯⁠\⁠_⁠(⁠ツ⁠)⁠_⁠/⁠¯ ....we Already see y'all as racists. And also I'm gonna experience racism anyway so I'd rather it be because someone was just being ignorant on the path to anti-racism.

Y'all are so worried about how shit Looks that you can't be bothered how really things are? Like you're so afraid of looking racist you'd allow yourselves to continue being actually ignorant and casually racist. And to avoid what? Being uncomfortable for a minute? Being called-out? A mean comment?

We are trying to stop hate crimes and genocide. Like that's what we are dealing with okay. Accountability for your actions is an acquired taste but I think y'all can handle some discomfort considering.

[loopy777]

Is Zuko a Gary Stu? A lot more people are becoming anti-Zuko especially after the comics. Thoughts?

Well, it depends how we're defining "Gary Stu." I tend to prefer a strict definition for it and "Mary Sue," that of a self-insert wish-fulfillment character. I also don't personally consider it to necessarily be a negative; one of my favorite fictional characters is George Lucas' Flash Gordon Gary Stu, Luke Skywalker.

But the common internet usages for the term typically translates to "character favored by the narrative and/or storyteller(s) to a degree that harms the story." So I'll address both definitions.

I don't think Zuko is any kind of wish-fulfillment character in the AtLA cartoon, nor do I think the narrative shows him any favoritism. In fact, I'd say the story goes out of its way to make things harder for Zuko than the basic character arc demands. It could've had him switch sides at the end of Book Earth, and I don't think there would have been much complaining. Likewise, the story could have had gAang come around to him a lot sooner in Book Fire, rather than spending entire episodes (and in Sokka's case a two-parter) reconciling him with the gAang one-by-one. I think his character arc is improved and given more impact by the desire to cover this extra rocky ground, although I also think 'The Boiling Rock' didn't need to be a two-parter and all of early Book Fire's filler episodes with the gAang should have been relocated to after Zuko's defection so that they'd have the added interest of showcasing the expanded gAang's new dynamic.

Ah, but then we get to the comics. I'm going to assume we're talking about Gene Yang's comics specifically, since Zuko has not appeared substantially in anything written by anyone else. It's easy to harp on these comics' use and treatment of Zuko, but I want to be clear that they're poorly written on pretty much every level. The dialogue is bad. Major plot threads are abandoned without comment. Everyone is mischaracterized. The humor is more juvenile than anything in the cartoon. What stories are told spin their wheels until they get wrapped up in a rush. There's bad, racist, pro-colonialism messages baked into them all. Etc and so on.

And yes, I do think these comics favor Zuko to their detriment and his. Gene Yang has admitted that Zuko is his favorite character in the cast. But even if he hadn't, we can see in 'The Promise' that the presentation has a lopsided preference for Zuko over Aang, the other main character of the story. Zuko is not portrayed as wrong for pressuring Aang to promise to kill him, despite Aang being uncomfortable with it and the whole idea being against Aang's major beliefs; compare that to the cartoon, where Zuko was portrayed as wrong and bullying in his attitude to try to get Aang to kill Ozai. In the matter of the former Fire Nation colonies, Aang and Zuko have opposing approaches, but rather than the story taking the stance that they need to compromise and mix'n'match their ideas, Zuko gets to utter the line, "I was right all along," while Aang has to be lectured by Katara, admit to being wrong, compromise with the Air Acolytes, and break off his relationship with his ghost mentor.

In 'The Search,' Zuko goes on to find his mother and learn her backstory, something that ends up not troubling or challenging him at all. She gives up her new identity to become his doting mother again and Zuko doesn't have a single doubt about it. He gets an adoring little sister in the form of Kiyi, despite her having a real problem with her mother choosing to become Ursa instead of keeping her familiar form. And his questionable treatment of Azula is not addressed; like Aang in 'The Promise,' she's the one who has to compromise (or in this case refuses to compromise).

You can see the pattern here of Zuko's presentation. This is where we can start to question if Zuko is Gene Yang's self-insert, but to do so, we would have to assume a lot of stuff about Gene Yang. For example, he breaks up Zuko's romance with Mai and then starts hinting at something with him and Suki; does that mean Gene Yang wants to date Suki? Then why bring Mai back so prominently in 'Smoke & Shadow' and then both go easy on her mistakes and break her up from Kei Lo at the end? Maybe Gene Yang wants a harem with both Suki and Mai, but if that's the case, then it's pretty odd that he ends his run on the comics with Zuko dating neither.

We could do the same for other aspects of Zuko's presentation (Does Yang want a tiny powerful Firebender as a little sister? Does he think all colonizers are awesome? Does he advocate denying first-amendment rights in times of danger? Is his favorite food to eat at winter time extra-spicy fire noodles?) But we'd probably run into similar questions we can't answer, leaving us to either assume way too much that would likely be wrong or admit that it doesn't matter.

Which brings us back to the much simpler idea of the character being favored beyond what is warranted. That helps with examining 'Smoke & Shadow,' where Zuko is actually portrayed as making some wrong choices for once in all of Yang's run of comics, like ordering his people's homes invaded and trashed on a vague hope that he'll find some information about Azula- but before that, he's somehow enlightened enough to make rainbow fire, and afterward, he solves everything with a quick apology to his people.

Usually, the narratives ignore Zuko's flaws and twist themselves into weird shapes to justify things. It's like Gene Yang started with the intentions of having Zuko make mistakes and grow over the course of the various stories, but then chickens out, so we're left with themes that feel incomplete or outright harmful. Zuko doesn't need to grow beyond his desire to have a Fire Nation elite (and their pet Earth Kingdom spouses and servants) rule over the former colonies forever, he gets to say, "I was right all along." He starts by locking Azula away in a straight-jacket, but then doesn't find a way to reconcile with her and treat her more humanely, because she goes fully homicidal and then runs away so he doesn't need to deal with her. But in 'Smoke & Shadow,' we get one example where, probably because Yang doesn't see it as that bad in the first, Zuko is allowed to temporarily be wrong before returning to a state of grace.

I think Gene Yang is trying to tell good Avatar stories. But, among his (many, many, many) mistakes, I think he's letting his favor for Zuko influence the stories he's trying to tell. He's trying to give his favorite character juicy dramatic material that lets him grow into an even more awesome character- but then he shies away from depicting his favorite in too harsh a light, ruining the whole thing.

The stories don't feel like they're going anywhere with him, despite him being a main character.

So if that fits with your definition of "Gary Stu," then yes, Zuko has become one in the comics. But he didn't start as one in the cartoon, and I don't think Gene Yang writes stories out of a desire for his favorite to marry Suki because Sword Girlfriend > Knife Wife.

Perhaps that's why he never got Maiko back together; he likes Mai too much to make her the one in the wrong, but then that would mean Zuko needs to learn and grow, and that can't be right. ;)

[supernovaa-remnant]

I know other fans like to talk about how aro-coded lovejoy songs are and all that, but I am a firm believer that "It's All Futile! It's All Pointless" is the most aro-coded song of their entire discography.

This is one of my favorites of their songs, and I have analyzed it and am now deciding to share this analysis with tumblr.

This is gonna get long, so everything will be under the cut:

Let's start with Verse One:

To start with, university is seen as this place where you learn more about yourself and find your people and overall discover yourself as an individual. However, despite the idea of finding your own path at university, there are still societal norms that people just expect you to experience.

In our society, romance and sex are two of the most fundamental milestones in a person's life. At university, people expect you to forge romantic relationships and sometimes sexual relationships, and the only (in society's eyes, acceptable) reason to not be doing so is because of focusing on studies. I, for one, expected that I'd inevitably experience some romantic interests at university, before I realized I was aromantic, like, a month before going.

Point is, it's expected, and it's often just treated like a given.

Now, I've seen other people talk about this, but there's very particular word choice with "datelines" and "sextant." Taking a geography course to learn the datelines and maybe use a sextant can also be read as going to university with the expectations of going on dates and maybe having sex (because, for all that sex is considered a societal norm, there's also a lot of stigma around it with purity culture, but that's an entire other discussion).

But sometimes that just doesn't happen. And, this isn't a unique aroace experience (and some aroace people do date or have sex at uni), but the point is that, sometimes, aromantic people go into uni with the same expectations that society tells them to have, and then that doesn't happen. Or it does happen, but it goes badly. Because sometimes self discovery leads to realizing you don't experience these feelings that are so often attributed to being human.

Continuing on, later in this same verse societal expectations are brought up again.

This is essentially just a list of what society tells you adulthood is. This is the future in store for you. There's references to the Nuclear Family dynamic as well—where there are two parents in a romantic relationship and their kids. In the line previous to the one above, the romantic partner is mentioned, so it's safe to picture this as the Nuclear Family model.

But, you'll notice that the line very specifically talks about having to do these things. You have to reproduce. You have to get married and have kids and be in a romantic relationship and maybe have sex, but not too much because, again, society often views sex as something dirty.

But no where is there any indication of wanting this future.

(It should be noted that some aromantic people do want this type of future, and some do not. Aromanticism is defined by little to no romantic attraction, and it is experienced in vastly different ways by different people. There is no one way to aro).

Onto the Pre-Chorus!

Now, this line can be interpreted in different ways, but this post is about looking at this song through the lens of aromanticism, so that's what we're focusing on.

This line is talking about not actually missing the person with whom you've had romantic relations, but, rather, the thought of that romantic relationship.

The thing is, society practically promises kids a happy ending in the form of romance. Romance is the happy ending, and, without it, it's a sad ending. Because of this, there are a lot of aromantic people who feel almost robbed of something that was promised to them. This can lead them to pursuing romantic relationships anyway, even when that's not something that will actually make them happy. So, they're missing the thought of the relationship rather than the person it was with. It's them missing the thought of this promised happy ending.

(Again, there's no one way to be aro, and this is far from everyone's experiences).

Let's quickly jump to the second verse (we'll get to the chorus last—that's my favorite part and the part that you may find most interesting).

These lines very much read to me as specifically an aroallo experience. It's showing preference of the sexual aspect of the relationship rather than the romantic relationship.

But the partner wants that romantic aspect. The partner feels the romantic attraction that an aroallo person might not. So, he's picking a lock he doesn't go into, because this person isn't going to reciprocate those romantic feelings and are more interested in sexual relations. (But it can be difficult to have a no strings attached sexual relationship, especially with alloro people who might fall in love).

Anyway, this line is pretty straight forward to me as an aroallo experience, but feel free to ask for clarification.

The bridge:

This again goes back to society essentially telling people that they'll be unhappy and alone without a romantic relationship.

Being aromantic can be an incredibly isolating experience. Especially when you're at university and you're in a period of such great change within yourself and in those around you. This isn't true for everyone, but being aromantic and seeing everyone around you get into romantic relationships can be scary and can bring forth so many negative emotions.

Because of this, sometimes aro people decide to pursue romantic relationships even if they don't necessarily want to because they feel like they'll be left behind and end up unhappy if they don't.

But it's okay as long as it makes them feel less numb and alone.

Finally, the chorus, which is the most fascinating part imo.

This is the chorus as it appears in Lovejoy's version of "It's All Futile! It's All Pointless!" However, what some people don't know is that there's a slight variation in the original version of the song which was released in 2020 in Wilbur's "Maybe I Was Boring" EP (essentially the songs that didn't make it onto ycgma).

Whilst the chorus is the same the first time it is sung, the second time the chorus is played, there's a change.

Now, on it's own, it may not seem like much.

"Stella! How are you connecting this to aromanticism?" Patience, dear reader.

For the life of me, I cannot find this reddit post where this was originally commented, but Wilbur said that the line was originally supposed to be "it's a strategy to ensure I remain (in love)," but that last bit was never recorded.

However, it is so interesting to me because, yes, it can be interpreted in an allo way, but it can also so easily be interpreted in a number of different aro ways.

Option A) This aromantic person has fallen in love. It's under specific circumstances, it's the exception, whatever, but they want to stay in love. Why? Well, admittedly, sometimes I think it'd be easier to be alloro. Because, as previously mentioned, being aromantic can be such an isolating experience.

Option B) This aromantic person wants to stay under the illusion that they're in love, even if they're not. Why? For the reasons above, or because that way they can feel less broken.

There's a plethora of different reasons why some aro people sometimes want to be in love. And a lot of the time it ties back to society hyping up romance for basically all our lives, and then suddenly being confronted with not getting that. Not to mention the whole relationship hierarchy thing where romance is placed at the very top of the pyramid, and, well, sometimes people just want to be someone's first priority like a romantic partner would be.

Bonus:

There was a stream at one point where some chatter said something along the lines of "us aromantics are going to steal your songs" (I saw this clip in an edit earlier today which inspired me to make this post, but I cannot find the clip on it's own so I haven't included it </3).

Wilbur then goes onto say "you aromantics need to read my lyrics. you should read It's All Futile! It's All Pointless! Figure out what it's about." He of course then went on to briefly mention Perfume and said something about most of his music, but he said iaf!iap! first.

And, honestly, combined with everything in the song itself going all the way back to the original version of the song, I just think it goes to show that this song is the aromantic-coded lovejoy song of them all.

Why do Wilbur's songs have various levels of aro-coding? Idk. Tbh it's probably none of my business. I just think it's neat.

Anyway, thank you for coming to my TEDTalk. Please go listen to both Lovejoy's version and the original version of "It's All Futile! It's All Pointless!" and remember to stream wu&io!

(All four songs of Maybe I Was Boring is in one track of the same name on Wilbur Soot's spotify account if you want to listen to the original version of the song).

[sleepsentry]

Hi hello I just popped by to tell you just how much I absolutely LOVE your art. The dynamic poses, the color, your shapes, you’re very much an inspiration to me for my own art. I was curious if you’d be willing to share your own inspirations/process in drawing? No need to if you don’t feel like it though. Again, thank you for sharing your art with the world.

Gosh, I'm not sure where I'd even start for that...

I don't think I can get into process atm because it changes so much in such tiny ways all the time. I have a basic skeleton of a process, but the rest is all over the place.

As for insperations:

I follow many many artists online and have picked up many small things just from looking at their work and trying to "reverse engineer" their process in my head.

I've noticed I tend to subconsciously "study" artists just by thinking "how do I draw this? Oh this artist drew it that way! Lemme try..." and I do that many many times while drawing.

Example: I look at the way an artist draws hands, then I look at my own hand and try and mimick the position in the artwork.

I study both and try to connect the dots between them. I feel the way my hand moves and the way the bones and muscles flex and relax.

I try and draw broad shapes, then the underlying mechanics of the hand, then I finish things by drawing what we actually end up seeing on the surface.

I dont draw the bones and muscles of a hand and then the skin just to be clear! I just try and keep them in mind as a draw the outlines.

Like a sculpture having a "skeleton" made of two bits or wire. I don't draw the skeleton, I draw the rough blueprint of where everything goes in quick simple lines. Then I build the "clay" on top.

I don't go that in depth every time but it helps to stop and "be more considered" if you have the time and energy.

Now that I think about it, watch sculpting videos!

It's a very similar process to drawing but 3d instead of 2D! I recommend clay sculpture but I'm sure 3d modeling has similar principles too, even if a very different approach overall.

Here are some channels I recommend:

For cute character dioramas with ridiculous fidelity while being very stylised

For impressive fake food that really shows just how much of an illusion art is

For amazing Dino statues with an eye for detail and convincing naturalism

For 2d artists I follow current professional and/or hobby artists, or even old masters who's work is archived in artbooks and social media accounts. All ranging a wide variety or styles, cute, horror, cartoon, realist, ect... and most importantly, the styles wich aren't as easily definable.

The variety of influences is great! As long as you figure out how to pick and dissect the elements that drew you to the work and how to apply your findings to your own work.

My biggest inspirations as a kid where animation (Disney, pixar, ghibli, ect...), manga, Belgian/French comics my dad had as a kid.

I didn't have the patience or means to learn to animate, but these comics had so much life and motion in their panels! I always found American comics really stiff and more difficult to read because of the detail and "realism". I know American comic art can be very expressive and fluid, but for my undiagnosed eye/brain issues...

This:

Was leagues more "readable" than:

They where literally easier to read.

That comic cover takes me a good few seconds to dissect and process, whereas the two examples above it are instant.

I'm terrible at studying from life due to my poor eyesight and spacial awareness issues, also I have ADHD so, not only is the information my eyes are giving to my brain suboptimal, but my brain is also terrible at processing and reconstructing that information.

Also tracing is a valid way of studying btw, that's how I learnt as a tot and it can be great to try and reverse engineer a finished peice and break it down to it's construction.

Obviously it's not the same as building something from scratch but we're talking within the realms of practice.

I also started trying to "re-learn" some art fundamentals in ways that work better for me, and it's been massively helpful.

I'm already working with fuzzy simplified abstractions of the world around me, so it's horrible trying to see accurately and THEN re-simplify it onto paper.

So something that has helped a lot and I mean A LOT with teaching my brain art basics in a digestible, step by step way, has been:

ART ACADEMY for the DS!

It's great for walking you through art fundamentals in a way that is digestible and no where near as overwhelming as just jumping straight in to a massive, complex, digital art programme.

It gets all the fuss of materials and subject and reference out of the way and let's you just focuse purely on the process of making art itself.

THIS:

WAS MADE WITH THIS:

This is the first drawing lesson:

This is the lesson after that:

This is all with the original DS version!

On a tiny screen with very primitive approximations of pressure sensitivity and no opacity or pen size options.

It mimics traditional art making in the sense that you make what you can with what you have and that limitation allows you to focuse on practice rather than get overwhelmed and over correct everything digitally.

These where tiny, crunchy, microcosmic, simplifications of digital art making back in 2009!!!

It's so refreshingly accessible and manageable.

I haven't even started the newer 3ds game that came out.

So if anyone reading is struggling with their art I highly recommend this little art exercise giver! It's helped me a lot.

OK hope that's readable and helpful. ^^

[cyborg-franky]

Musical May

Hopefully this month I will be more on top of things. This month I will be doing prompts based on a line of a song, picked at random on my shuffle and turned into a dialog prompt[one each day/30 slots despite how many I have picked for you guys to choose from] SIDE NOTE: I am still working on April's 1. As always please and thank you! check my rules as I often get requests for characters on my 'no' list. 2. Give me two characters to choose from and two choices of prompt! 3. There are no limits to requests just don't over do it <3 Example for request: "Hey Franky! can I please have Fluff 1 or Angst 8 with Ace or Marco please? thank you!" [Each prompt I am only using once]

AN: Gee Franky, how come your list has big gaps between lines? Me: Oh ya know, I don't want to fight tumblrs god fuckin' awful post editor for an hour.

15/30

--FLUFF--

"Baby, I'd give you my world."

"There's nothing in this world I wouldn't do."

"Goin' crazy from the moment I met you."

"You could be the reason I love." Law

"I wanna lay like this forever."

"We're perfect for each other." Ace

"Have you ever found something, that you didn't even know you're looking for?"

"My love will never change."

"That I need your kiss like the ocean needs a breeze." Ace

"Now I don't feel so alone." Corazon

--GEN--

"This is fucking awesome." Luffy

"Can you fuckin' believe it?"

"Define your meaning of fun." Marco/Ace

"But everything looks better when the sun goes down."

"Oh, baby, let the bad times roll."

"We can't go to hell if we're already there." Law

--HURT/COMFORT--

"I can't stand to spend another night alone." Ace

"Whatcha gonna do with all that pain inside?"

"It doesn't matter who we are."

"I'm sorry that it took so long for me to change." Sanji

"And every time I lose control, you help me, you save me."

"We always have to sail on."

"Somebody tell me that fate has been kind."

"I was more than you thought I could be."

"I wanna know if you still love me."

"I think I know you better." Thatch

--SUGGESTIVE-- [Some could be considered yandere, so state if that's what you are after

"I'ma teach you how to scream my name." Law

"Talk dirty to me."

"I wanna ruin our friendship." Ace

"You just wait, you're gonna say my name." Marco

"I'll let you set the pace."

"I'm addicted to your punishment."

"There is no limit to how far I will go."

"Wait, I'll take another ride before I have to say goodbye."

"Give it or else I might just lose my mind."

"Fake it like you love me, Come on baby touch me."

--ANGST--

"Save yourself the pain and go away."

"I'm tired of lying." Sanji

"Maybe if we both lived in a different world, yeah."

"Quit crying innocence they've already got you."

"Now we must move ahead despite our fear and dread."

"I'm tired of being what you want me to be."

"How does it feel to treat me like you do?"

"So where were you when all this I was going through?"

"Why wont the pain subside?"

"I've gone and fucked things up again."

"If this ain't love then how do we get out?"

"This is a story of a dead man who is running out of time." Roger/Rayleigh

[rammoram]

Kindaichi Yuutarou Analysis

Disclaimer: I am not a professional psychologist in any way. I simply find psychology and reading into characters very interesting. Please correct me if I say anything incorrect. 

This is also not an anti-Kageyama post. I'm simply trying to put Kindaichi in a new perspective in the most unbiased way I can. I'm only putting information I found from research into this post. Thank you. 

Kindaichi is undoubtedly my favorite character in Haikyuu. He's also one of-what I consider to be- the top most misunderstood characters. No matter the reason for it, a pretty significant chunk of the Haikyuu fandom seems to have a bias against him. And while I can't force anyone to change their opinion on his character, I'd like to try to describe some of his actions and reactions in another perspective. 

This is gonna be a pretty long post, so the rest will be under the cut~!

Things I'm going to talk about(in order):

Character Traits

Classical conditioning

Explanation/definition

How it's shown with Kindaichi

Examples, episodes & timestamps

Obstacles

Confirmation Bias

Overconfidence 

Examples, episodes

Overview

Basically a paragraph where I repeat everything I explained but with less explanations involved 

Character Traits

First, I want to list a few things about Kindaichi that we already know without doing a thorough character study. These are traits that are very obvious and can be hard to miss. 

What we already know about him: he's stubborn, emotional, kind of awkward, he can be oblivious, and he holds onto grudges. 

Of course, there are other traits he shows that could be easily identified. But these are just some of the more obvious ones. 

Some of these traits, specifically being stubborn, emotional and holding onto grudges, can actually help us understand his actions easier. 

Classical Conditioning

Definition: 

Classical Conditioning: Continuously pairing two stimuli( an unconditioned stimulus and a neutral stimulus) so that the neutral stimulus(which becomes the conditioned stimulus) gains a conditioned response. 

Explaining it in simpler terms: 

Classical conditioning is basically pairing two things together a lot so that they end up being associated with each other.

(This is definitely not the best definition or explanation. If you're still confused I would suggest looking up classical conditioning for more information)  

Defining responses and stimuli: 

Unconditioned stimulus: something that will naturally get a response. 

Unconditioned response: the response to an unconditioned stimulus. 

Neutral stimulus: a stimulus that doesn't get the same unconditioned response as the unconditioned stimulus. 

Conditioned stimulus: the neutral stimulus after being continuously paired with the unconditioned stimulus. The conditioned stimulus will get a conditioned response. 

Conditioned response: is the same response as the unconditioned response, but it is a response to the conditioned stimulus after continuous pairing. 

How it's shown with Kindaichi: 

Alright. To explain this, we have to look into what happened during middle school. 

As we all know, Kindaichi had a pretty hard time keeping up with Kageyama during middle school. When we first get introduced to them, it's shown that if Kindaichi messed up or reacted late to a toss, Kageyama would get pretty angry and yell at him, telling him to do better. And it's shown that this happened multiple times during games. 

From that, we can very easily label the responses and stimuli that would occur during classical conditioning. 

The unconditioned stimulus would be getting screamed at and criticized. 

The unconditioned response would be Kindaichi feeling hurt or upset

The neutral stimulus would be making a mistake

The conditioned stimulus would also be making a mistake

The conditioned response would also be feeling frustrated and upset. 

So basically, what we have here, is that Kindaichi would start associating messing up during volleyball with getting screamed at and feeling extremely upset and frustrated if he messed up even a little bit. 

Also yes, I understand that messing something up during a game can cause a bit of frustration, but please consider that a lot of the time during middle school, Kindaichi got yelled at even when he scored points. 

Examples of when Kindaichi shows signs of this: 

There are three specific scenes where Kindaichi shows subtle signs of classical conditioning, but they tend to get pushed aside as him respecting his upperclassmen tremendously. But this makes sense, considering that these signs are, again, very subtle, and definitely won't stand out unless you're looking for them. (or I just overanalyze everything that has to do with Kindaichi-)

The first scene happens on episode 19 of season 1, right before the first match between Aoba Johsai and Karasuno. During spiking drills, Oikawa says something along the lines of, "sorry, Kindaichi. That one was a bit high." 

The normal response to this would be very casual or laid back. But Kindaichi rapidly replies with, "yes! I mean-! No!" 

A lot of people seem to take this scene as Kindaichi being awkward. But it almost seems as if he's trying to say, "no! That wasn't your fault!" because he'd gotten so used to thinking everything was his own fault. 

The approximate timestamp for this particular scene is Season 1 episode 19- 14:20 

The second scene is very similar to the first. It's on the 22nd episode of season 2, where Kindaichi doesn't react to one of Karasuno's spikes in time, and Iwaizumi comments on how stiff he is. Similarly to how he responded to Oikawa, Kindaichi's reply is, "yes! No!" 

Again, this seems to be brushed off as Kindaichi being awkward with his upperclassmen, but it's shown that Kindaichi seems to be quite comfortable around them, and only reacts like this when someone corrects him on something. This shows that he isn't used to being corrected in a civil way, and doesn't seem to know how to respond to it. 

The approximate timestamp for this is Season 2 episode 22- 16:33

Another thing to consider is that directly after this(during the same episode and timestamp), Kindaichi seems to take a lot of responsibility for the entire team, putting a lot of the blame on himself. This, again, suggests that he believes everything is his responsibility due to the events in middle school. 

The last scene is the one that stands out the most to me. It's during the 23rd episode of season 2, in a flashback. During this flashback, we see Kindaichi missing one of Oikawa's tosses during practice. Then we see Kindaichi remember that Oikawa tells him he can ask for adjustments, and essentially has to remind himself that Oikawa will help him before actually expressing concern to Oikawa. This shows that Kindaichi wasn't used to getting treated properly, or getting support, when he wasn't able to hit a ball. 

The approximate timestamp for this scene is Season 2 episode 23- 19:12

If we look at these scenes, we can come to the conclusion that, not only did he associate making a mistake with getting shouted at and feeling horrible about himself, but he was also conditioned to think that his setter wouldn't be there for him when he needed it. This can explain a lot of Kindaichi's resentment towards Kageyama, and why he acted so crudely. 

Obstacles

Psychological obstacles are pretty much exactly what they sound like. They're hurdles that get in the way of socialization and mental growth. With Kindaichi, two specific psychological obstacles stand out to me. Confirmation Bias and Overconfidence. 

Confirmation Bias:

Confirmation bias is an obstacle where people will only acknowledge information that align with their personal beliefs and ignore information, no matter how reliable, that goes against them. 

Overconfidence: 

Overconfidence is when, as the name suggests, someone is too confident in their beliefs or judgements. These judgments are not as accurate as they may seem. 

Examples: 

Kindaichi shows a lot of signs of confirmation bias during Karasuno's practice match with Aoba Johsai. These can be seen throughout episodes 6 and 7 of season 1. 

The most obvious time we see Kindaichi struggling with this obstacle is when he refuses to acknowledge that Kageyama has gotten better after Kageyama attempts to talk to him. 

Another example of this is when Kindaichi first confronts Hinata. He talks about how horrible Kageyama was as a setter, and while that was true for Kindaichi, it wasn't the same for Hinata, or for Karasuno in general. It seems to be a mix of both confirmation bias and overconfidence here, as he ignores the fact that Hinata says that Kageyama's skills were good, while also making judgements that were more severe than reality. 

This shows that, while Kageyama did greatly impact him, Kindaichi had a hard time with psychological obstacles. They messed with his judgement and accuracy and ended up slowing down his mental healing in the process. 

Timestamps: Season 1, episode 6- 5:50

                      Season 1, episode 7- 10:12

Overview

After taking the time to analyze Kindaichi's character, we can see that he's more than the "angry guy who hates Kageyama." We can clearly see that he was conditioned to associate making a mistake with being treated unfairly and feeling crappy, and that he wasn't used to being treated in a civil way. Kindaichi also appears to deal with psychological obstacles, which slow down the healing needed to let go of middle school. This also suggests that Kindaichi thinks with more emotion and let's that guide his decisions. He's a very complex, relatable character and should be viewed as such.

[lokewolf-father]

So I Listened to the First Five Insane Clown Posse Albums...

And I really enjoyed myself! I tried this post already, but the Tumblr app is a piece of garbage and lost it somehow, so here goes again. To make a long story short, even though I didn't really enjoy the first two albums, Carnival of Carnage and The Ringmaster, I found a lot to enjoy about Insane Clown Posse, and can safely say I like them. Death metal guitar mixed with heavy bass, carnival sounds, and lyrics about necromantic clown sorcerers, killer toys, and cartoonish depictions of murder make their concept albums something that is both novel and undeniably cool when it isn't too crude or juvenile, which is more frequent than I would like.

I should probably state, especially considering I'm writing off the first two albums, that I am not the target audience for ICP. I do not consider myself a Juggalo in any definition of the word; I don't really listen to rap, and couldn't define hip-hop without looking it up. I do however enjoy horror movies and low-brow entertainment like comic books, and consider Marilyn Manson to be one of my personal heroes, so believe me when I say that I really do like aspects of the cavalcade of crazy that is the Insane Clown Posse.

Riddle Box is awesome, and I find myself wondering if this is the album where people feel like ICP came into their own. Part of their mythology is that if the Dark Carnival, where sinners are judged by a cavalcade of characters before being killed and sent to their souls ultimate destination. Several albums are designated as Joker's Cards, and depict characters and elements of the Carnival.

The intro is awesome, introducing the Riddle Box, which is a magic box that either gives the slain a vision of God, warming their souls and sending them to Heaven, or a demonic fog that drives them insane and sends them to Hell.

One of my favorite songs, "Chicken Huntin' (Slaughter House Mix)" is on this song, and demonstrates ICP's understanding of their audience. A song about killing dumb, ignorant hillbillies, I have to assume it's cathartic to people who left behind wacky rural families behind when they left home. "Toy Box" is about a guy with murderous toys that turn on him, and makes me laugh. It sounds hokey, and that's because it is, hokey and worth a listen. A lot of this is appealing to me because I don't listen to rap music, partly because I don't care for the subject matter.

I like rappers like Kanye West and Eminem because I can't identify with or enjoy a lot of the gangsta-macho stuff that mainstream rap can't seem to get away from. With ICP, their personas are over the top killer clowns, and that's awesome! Because they're so goofy and have been pretty much rejected from pop culture, their music appeals to social outcasts and others who are down on their luck, something that Shaggy 2 Dope and Violent J recognize.

That being said, before I move into the next album, I should probably mention "Ol' Evil Eye", ICP's own adaptation of Poe's "The Tell-tale Heart". Good shit, even if it makes the master turn over in his grave.

The Great Milenko is fantastic, and is a Joker's Card about an evil necromancer clown that tempts you into damning yourself. I'm told this is more of a hip-hop album, but as someone who isn't that familiar with this kind of music, I can't tell the difference. What I will say is there are more songs here that I like than on the previous three albums. The intro, which is read by none other than Alice Cooper, is excellent, as is the title track and "Hokus Pokus", both of which are sufficiently creepy and dark.

"Piggy Pie" is a song about murdering dickhead cops that uses a very, um, clever three little pigs motif. As a funny aside, this album was initially put out by Hollywood Records, and had to be approved by Disney, who forced them to change this song. The album was pulled from shelves anyway, making the whole exercise of censorship pointless anyway. It's just funny to think that Disney read associated with ICP at one point.

"Southwest Voodoo" is another effective song, featuring a black magic chant for chorus, which is to say nothing of "Halls of Illusion", which has Slash on guitar!

One of my other favorites off this album is the existential "How Many Times", which puts you in the mindset of the type of person ICP is talking to. Broke, down on your luck, arrested, your stereo stolen, it's hard to imagine things can ever really get better; in a world that rejects you and shows your no respect, why not remake yourself as a psychotic clown? As Manson says, "They'll never be good to you/bad to you/they'll never be anything at all". Any aging goth kid can understand where ICP is coming from here.

The Amazing Jeckel Brothers is the first album I listened to, and probably my favorite one. "Terrible" and "Bring it On" have the heavy sound that I love, and "Assassins" is just an awesome, badass song in general. If hip-hop is just another word for tough guy music, these songs definitely fit the bill. The bass lines make the songs positively rock in a way I didn't think was possible for ICP. "Everybody Rize" is a cool Juggalo anthem, as is "Fuck the World", calling out a culture and industry that rejects and hates them like a boss. If you're on the fence about these fuckers, this is another great album to start with, especially considering the touching final song, "Nothing's Left", which reflects on the broken nature of the world, and wonders if there can be any real salvation for anyone. Considering ICP are Christian and ultimately incorporated they're religion into their music, I know what their opinion on this is, but just begging the question gives the song a universal appeal that even an angry atheist like myself can identify with.

At the end of the day, I have to figure that getting to know the Insane Clown Posse was rewarding for me. I'm not a Juggalo, but I understand their world a lot better and get how they can be kind to others and have something special with their subculture. I plan to listen to more ICP and write about them, but I'd like to write about Juggalo culture first. If you're a Juggalo or have any thoughts, I want to hear from you! Have you met the Insane Clown Posse or been to their shows? Have you been to the gathering of the Juggalos? An I wrong about anything I wrote above?

[janiedean]

Hi Lavinia! Can I ask for your opinion about Jaime and his relationship with his stump? I mean, everyone knows he hates it, but is there a possibility that Brienne can change his mind? I belive he hates it most of all because his sister hated it, but it can be changed even a little if he finds someone that does not care. Plus: do you think Brienne can "love" his stump and act tenderly towards it? Like kisses and caresses? I know it's weird but I'd love to care for it to make him feel better!

a) first: man it’s not weird I mean guys I’m gonna tag it so I’m not gonna get into the specific but let’s just say that there are reasons why frankenstein was one of my five formative books and let’s leave it there

b) second: well I put it in every damned fic I do where they have sex so the short reply is yes, but the long reply would be...

c) now, why is it yes and going into your specifics:

he hates it but more than cersei I think the issue is that to him it’s basically a perpetual reminder in his face that a) he lost his right hand (which was what made him the best swordsman around) which in turn means that b) he’s lost one of the things that (in his conception at least) defined him ie ‘if I don’t have that what am I worth’ (which he thinks more than once in that asos chapter when he wants to let himself die) and most of all:

"The lack of my hand is troubling me." The mornings were the hardest. In his dreams Jaime was a whole man, and each dawn he would lie half-awake and feel his fingers move. It was a nightmare, some part of him would whisper, refusing to believe even now, only a nightmare. But then he would open his eyes.

“The wench would have told him he had to eat before he slept, to keep his strength up, but he was more tired than hungry. He closed his eyes, and hoped to dream of Cersei. The fever dreams were all so vivid . . . Naked and alone he stood, surrounded by enemies, with stone walls all around him pressing close. The Rock, he knew. He could feel the immense weight of it above his head. He was home. He was home and whole. He held his right hand up and flexed his fingers to feel the strength in them. It felt as good as sex. As good as swordplay. Four fingers and a thumb. He had dreamed that he was maimed, but it wasn't so. Relief made him dizzy. My hand, my good hand. Nothing could hurt him so long as he was whole.”

now, counting that the whole spiel cersei (and him) have going is that they’re not whole without each other, the point is: he’s not feeling whole without the right hand because it’s what makes him good at sword fighting which in turn gives him worth. now, if you look at the whole procession of thoughts in the dream above, you have the following (which is necessary to get into your question): he feels alone and surrounded by enemies and he had dreamed he was maimed (which is what happened irl) which in turn equates his lack of a hand with inability to protect himself/the others around him/makes him feel vulnerable. BUT, he has the right hand in the dream, and right hand = swords = swordplay = sex, like the four things are all put on the same level (mind it: who is the last person he fought before losing it? right, brienne) and having it back puts him back in a supposedly favorable position because nothing can hurt him as long as he’s whole (ie: he has the hand and cersei) and he supposedly can do the job himself;

too bad that he doesn’t have it anymore;

so like to him the fact that he doesn’t have the hand is a reminder that, again, he can’t do his job, and if he can’t do his job he isn’t whole, and if he isn’t whole he can’t fight (which is basically half of what he loves, the other half being cersei + tyrion + what other relatives he has that he does but it’s not many) and he can’t have cersei either and he can be hurt;

now, I once ranted about the romantic connotations of jaime’s weirwood dream vs brienne’s dreams in affc and I’m linking to it so I don’t have to go again over that, but another thing that’s fundamental about the weirdwood dream is that after it tells us what he fears most ie a) being hurt, b) the people he loves leaving him behind, c) his guilt over his supposed responsibilities in elia’s death and her children’s (which technically is not on him but nvm, d) cersei leaving him behind and after all of that happens... ah, right, BRIENNE shows up, asks him for a sword to protect him after he frees her from her chains and she gets it and she does it until hers is the only bright light in the entire cave, and after that dream he goes back for her and saves her life in the bear pit doing one of the two 100% truly heroic deeds that have happened until now (the other being theon saving jeyne hahaha). which he does... without having the hand;

now, back to the beginning: cersei hates it because a) it’s not aesthetically pleasing, b) he sets jaime apart from her because NOT MIRRORS ANYMORE, c) it cuts down his *usefulness* by a lot since he can’t fight as well as before, d) she cares about the fact that if he’s her male counterpart then she can be with herself just male, she doesn’t care about him or his needs or anything else of the kind, which anyway ties with the fact that by losing the hand he also loses something that was intimately tied to his old life (in the bath he tells brienne he lost the hand he killed aerys with/pushed bran down the tower with/made love to cersei with), so.... by losing it he also has to narratively lose cersei and put himself on the track he wanted to be on when he was fifteen and believed in being arthur dayne if you catch my drift, and the thing is that he can do that without it as well - and we saw it when he saved brienne WITHOUT IT;

as far as brienne is concerned though, the entire thing with losing the hand is actually tied to her in a positive light. meaning: while cersei hasn’t wanted anything to do with it (the stump/his lack of hand) and has been disgusted openly/called him a useless cripple because of it when she’s supposed to love him no matter what, brienne has actually helped him live through that loss even when she was supposed to hate him. like, a lot of people brush over what brienne does for him just after he loses it (or think she could never love him because she did that, lmao as if) but guys let’s be real here, post-hand loss he was pretty much 100% helpless there and she spent the rest of the road trip a) giving him pep talks when he felt like giving up, b) materially cleaning him up, c) telling him that losing the hand didn’t mean his life was over, never mind that after that they have the harrenhaal bath where without going into the whole cleansing symbolism of having him unload why he killed aerys for the first time in his life to her while taking a bath during which they’re both naked and... when he about faints she catches him and she’s gentler than cersei (and later cersei is Really Not Gentle with him at any point ops) and again, she never gives two fucks about his lack of hand or not.

also I realized this meta is overall 3k+ and the next part is choke-full of quotes so I’m gonna cut, more under the cut. sorry I FEEL STRONGLY ABOUT THIS SPECIFIC TOPIC.

moreover, never mind that after he saves her backside and she comes to see him when he gives her oathkeeper she’s all like ‘OH THE WHITE CLOAK BECOMES YOU’ (one day I’ll break apart that scene line by line is2g), what happens in her first affc chapter?

Brienne remembered her fight with Jaime Lannister in the woods. It had been all that she could do to keep his blade at bay. He was weak from his imprisonment, and chained at the wrists. No knight in the Seven Kingdoms could have stood against him at his full strength, with no chains to hamper him. Jaime had done many wicked things, but the man could fight! His maiming had been monstrously cruel. It was one thing to slay a lion, another to hack his paw off and leave him broken and bewildered.Suddenly the common room was too loud to endure a moment longer. She muttered her good-nights and took herself up to bed.

now, compare that to these gems from cersei’s affc chapters:

Her own twin interrupted her musings. "Would Your Grace honor her white knight with a dance?"She gave him a withering look. "And have you fumbling at me with that stump? No. I will let you fill my wine cup for me, though. If you think you can manage it without spilling.""A cripple like me? Not likely." He moved away and made another circuit of the hall. She had to fill her own cup.

"And our valiant Lord Commander?""Ser Jaime is at his armorer's being fitted for a hand. I know we were all tired of that ugly stump. And I daresay he would find these proceedings as tiresome as Tommen." Aurane Waters chuckled at that. Good, Cersei thought, the more they laugh, the less he is a threat. Let them laugh. "Do we have wine?"

Jaime hugged her, his good hand pressing against the small of her back. He smelled of ash, but the morning sun was in his hair, giving it a golden glow. She wanted to draw his face to hers for a kiss. Later, she told herself, later he will come to me, for comfort. "We are his heirs, Jaime," she whispered. "It will be up to us to finish his work. You must take Father's place as Hand. You see that now, surely. Tommen will need you . . ."He pushed away from her and raised his arm, forcing his stump into her face. "A Hand without a hand? A bad jape, sister. Don't ask me to rule."

there was more tho I picked the first three, but if you compare them, cersei basically either mocks him or thinks the stump is ugly and doesn’t want it forced into her face (reminding her he’s-not-her-exact-mirror anymore), brienne’s only horrified that they did it to him in the first place and she considers it cruel, but she doesn’t give two fucks about his hand being ugly nor considers him lesser. actually:

"I will find the girl and keep her safe," Brienne had promised Ser Jaime, back at King's Landing. "For her lady mother's sake. And for yours." Noble words, but words were easy. Deeds were hard.

When she was small, her nurse had filled her ears with tales of valor, regaling her with the noble exploits of Ser Galladon of Morne, Florian the Fool, Prince Aemon the Dragonknight, and other champions. Each man bore a famous sword, and surely Oathkeeper belonged in their company, even if she herself did not. "You'll be defending Ned Stark's daughter with Ned Stark's own steel," Jaime had promised.

I know. It was on that very road that Ser Cleos Frey had died, and she and Ser Jaime had been taken by the Bloody Mummers. Jaime tried to kill me, she remembered, though he was gaunt and weak, and his wrists were chained. It had been a close thing, even so, but that was before Zollo hacked his hand off. Zollo and Rorge and Shagwell would have raped her half a hundred times if Ser Jaime had not told them she was worth her weight in sapphires.

She had learned the truth of that once she went into the world. Even Jaime Lannister had come at her that way, in the woods by Maidenpool. If the gods were good, the Mad Mouse would make the same mistake. He may be a seasoned knight, she thought, but he is no Jaime Lannister. She slid her sword out of its scabbard.

(that EVEN is already telling because it puts jaime above other men she ran into EXCEPT that even he underestimated her)

Perhaps she had made a mistake in abandoning Ser Creighton and Ser Illifer. They had seemed like honest men. Would that Jaime had come with me, she thought . . . but he was a knight of the Kingsguard, his rightful place was with his king. Besides, it was Renly that she wanted. I swore I would protect him, and I failed. Then I swore I would avenge him, and I failed at that as well. I ran off with Lady Catelyn instead, and failed her too. The wind had shifted, and the rain was running down her face.

I could slink back to King's Landing, confess my failure to Ser Jaime, give him back his sword, and find a ship to carry me home to Tarth, as the Elder Brother urged. The thought was a bitter one, yet there was part of her that yearned for Evenfall and her father, and another part that wondered if Jaime would comfort her should she weep upon his shoulder. That was what men wanted, wasn't it? Soft helpless women that they needed to protect?

now, I could rant at you for ten minutes about how in all of those quotes a) she looks up to him, b) never thinks of him as crippled or ugly or useless, c) at most has pity for him because he lost that hand, BUT a thing not many people bring up is that...

He was better than Pyg, but he had only a short throwing spear, and she had a Valyrian steel blade. Oathkeeper was alive in her hands. She had never been so quick. The blade became a grey blur. He wounded her in the shoulder as she came at him, but she slashed off his ear and half his cheek, hacked the head off his spear, and put a foot of rippled steel into his belly through the links of the chain mail byrnie he was wearing. Timeon was still trying to fight as she pulled her blade from him, its fullers running red with blood. He clawed at his belt and came up with a dagger, so Brienne cut his hand off. That one was for Jaime. "Mother have mercy," the Dornishman gasped, the blood bubbling from his mouth and spurting from his wrist. "Finish it. Send me back to Dorne, you bloody bitch."She did.

brienne literally kills one of the people in the brave companions after cutting his hand off saying *it’s for jaime* and after then she kills another (shagwell) after making him dig the graves for the others, AND:

"I have no spade.”"You have two hands." One more than you left Jaime."Why bother? Leave them for the crows."

that’s what she says before she stabs him to death and getting really worked up about it:

She knocked aside his arm and punched the steel into his bowels. "Laugh," she snarled at him. He moaned instead. "Laugh," she repeated, grabbing his throat with one hand and stabbing at his belly with the other. "Laugh!" She kept saying it, over and over, until her hand was red up to the wrist and the stink of the fool's dying was like to choke her. But Shagwell never laughed. The sobs that Brienne heard were all her own. When she realized that, she threw down her knife and shuddered.

like, tldr: we all focus (rightly) on jaime punching ronnet connington for disrespecting her (WITH THE FAKE HAND) but I don’t think as much on the fact that brienne killed two of the brave companions while thinking specifically of how they hurt him/maimed him and thinking that she’s doing it *for him*.

as in: to avenge the fact that he lost the hand because they took it from him.

now, this entire rant with probably too many quotes was to say that brienne cannot give a single fuck about whether jaime has the hand or not beyond thinking it was unfair and unjust to take it from him and leave him without rather than just kill him and she actually avenged it on what brave companions she ran into (which she couldn’t do when they were captured) and she’s into him to the point where (as stated above) she dreams about him all the time INCLUDING him putting a cloak on her and would rather die than bring stoneheart his head, and........ after all of this we really would assume that if they did the deed she wouldn’t not only not ignore that he has a maimed wrist but that she wouldn’t make sweet love to it? especially when according to her he’s omgamazinglybeautiful and she thinks she’s the ugly one that no one’s ever going to want? like, she doesn’t even think about the stump when she thinks about wanting to weep on the guy’s shoulder/when she wants him to come with her/when she thinks he looked like half a god/when she wants him to put a cloak on her or come back for her. she’ll take him exactly the way he is, stump or not, and since she’s seen worse than that - like fuck’s sake she spent time tied to him with the rotting hand in between them - I’m 100% sure that she would totally not shy away from loving all of him including the maimed wrist;

(mind that if you go back to what I was saying in the beginning ie that loss of the hand = loss of sense of security = loss of feeling safe but brienne is associated with a) keeping him safe, b) keeping him alive at both basic and not-so-basic-level, c) the rebirth imagery, d) literally caring for him regardless of her personal feelings......... if they actually become lovers the whole thing plays out because he doesn’t need the hand if he has her who is also framed as the knight to his damsel 98% of the time including in his head/when he dreams about her appearing and keeping him safe with oathkeeper just after he *frees* her ie lets her be the knight she’s meant to be, like literally the one time it doesn’t happen is the bear pit and she’s stuck with him through pretty much everything and has seen the best and worst of him and still didn’t leave [and he doesn’t know but she’s willing to get hanged for him], I mean can we get more obvious here?)

now, can she change his mind? well, if they have idk two years of uninterrupted marital bliss in which they have all the good kind of sex in the world and in which she does it first thing in the morning most likely yes, I mean, the moment he realizes he’s not his sword hand and that he has worth beyond it and that he doesn’t need it to be the person he always wanted to be (and he’s trying for that matter) then he’ll care a lot less about it/won’t hate it as much and if she shows him that she can’t care less it certainly will help, if one of them (or both) dies two months after they get together that might cause a problem X°D but in the best possible outcome (the first one ofc which is a prelude to THEY GROW OLD TOGETHER ON TARTH OR WHEREVER) sure thing he would get over it. tbh I think he should get over it within the end of the saga because that would be basically capping his arc if he lived while having become the person he always wanted to be without giving two fucks about the lack of hand or not but anyway that’s mvho;

tldr: yes he would change his mind. indeed. X°D

[beauregards]

thought if i could fool you i'd believe it too, but the truth is i still love you

100 WAYS TO SAY I LOVE YOU CHALLENGE: no.36 –’we’ll figure it out’

1,273 words

penelope park/josie saltzman

penelope doesn't leave the salvatore school but she does decide that it's time josie finds out about the merge.

a/n: i don't know what this is but here. i am so emotional over josie/penelope and i don't know how to handle it. for context penelope isn't leaving the salvatore school but other than that ep.14 went as shown; she still has the emotional talk with josie but it goes slightly differently. title is from the truth is by echo lynn, one of the many songs on what i've realized is essentially a posie break up playlist. this is number thirty-six of my one hundred ways to say i love you challenge, 'we'll figure it out'.

AO3 // CHALLENGE

Penelope is woken up by soft click of her dorm room door closing. The room is dark and while she’s waiting for her eyes to adjust to the low light she hears quiet footsteps moving towards the bed accompanied by shaky breathing. The movement stops just short of the bed and as Penelope blinks into the darkness of the room her eyes finally focus and she finds herself looking up at Josie’s face.

“Josie?” Penelope asks, one hand coming up to rub at her eyes.

 “Hi Penny,” Josie says, shifting awkwardly onto the heels of her feet.

 “Is everything okay?” Penelope reaches out a hand, fumbling blindly for a moment before her lamp flickers on, bathing the room in a dull yellow light.

 Penelope looks Josie over for signs of what might be wrong, trying to identify a reason why her ex-girlfriend is in her dorm room in the middle of the night. All she comes across is the tearstains on Josie’s cheeks.

 “Not really,” Josie admits, voice rough from crying, “I read what my dad wrote in that book you gave me, about the merge.” She clarifies, as though it hadn’t all clicked into place for Penelope the moment Josie brought up the book. “So- yeah.”

 “Jojo,” Penelope says, moving into a sitting position and trying to force herself into wakefulness. She hadn’t been ignorant about what the merge would mean for Josie when she’d handed over the information, knew that it would be something of an emotional bomb, but Penelope had figured that it was time the other girl knew about what was in store for her as a part of the Gemini coven.

 “I just- I don’t,” Josie draws in a deep, shaking breath, “Do you mind if I stay with you tonight? I need- I don’t want to be alone right now.”

 “What about Lizzie?” Penelope asks. As much as she’s dreamt about this moment, Penelope can’t imagine herself being Josie’s first choice given the current state of their relationship.

 “We had a fight, a big one,” Josie says, tears beginning to well back up in her eyes, “Before I came to talk to you this evening actually. About how she constantly expects me to there for her at her every beck and call; and about how I don’t do anything to dissuade her from it. We argued about you, too.”

 Despite Penelope’s own feelings about the type of relationship Josie has with her sister she knows how much Lizzie means to Josie. Understands how much it hurts Josie to be fighting with her twin.

 “Of course you can stay here,” Penelope slides over and tugs her duvet down, creating space for Josie to clamber in beside her.

 Josie’s wearing her favourite pyjama set, black shorts and a button up shirt covered in little yellow stars, and when she tucks herself into Penelope’s side like its second nature Penelope’s hand automatically goes to the small hole just below the waistband through which she can feel the sharp angle of Josie’s hipbone. Josie’s breath hitches slightly against Penelope’s neck and she shifts infinitesimally closer.

 “What am I going to do?” Josie asks quietly.

 “What are we going to do,” Penelope corrects, “You don’t have to go through this alone Josie.”

 “I don’t want to die,” Josie says, “But I don’t want Lizzie to die either.”

 “Hey, look at me,” Penelope says, shifting downwards until she’s nose to nose with Josie. When Josie meets her steady gaze she continues, “From what I read it sounds like there’s already a team on it. We’ll figure this out Josie, neither of you are going to die if I have anything to say about it. Especially not you, my heart couldn’t take it.”

 Josie is still holding her gaze and Penelope feels like she’s said too much. So much of her relationship with Josie post breakup has been arguing and pretending that neither of them still has feelings for the other. This admission feels like crossing a line.

 “I guess what you said earlier makes sense now,” Josie says a little bitterly, “About me understanding why you’ve done everything you have. For the record, I think you went about it the wrong way but I understand your side a little better now.”

 “Is this you saying that you forgive me?”

 “No, but it is me saying that I’m starting to work towards it.”

 “I’ll take it,” Penelope says with the soft smile that’s reserved specifically for Josie. She takes some time to admire the other girl, backlit by the warm yellow light of the lamp. The light making her hair shine and the shadows define her soft features. “I meant it earlier when I said that I love you and when I said we’re going to figure this whole merge thing out.”

 “I know you did,” Josie’s still holding Penelope’s gaze and Penelope can see what Josie isn’t saying in her eyes, I love you too. She understands why Josie isn’t willing to say it aloud yet after everything that Penelope has put her through over the past few months.

 Josie’s eyes flutter downwards for a moment before they lock back onto Penelope’s and she’s moving forwards with a conviction Penelope hasn’t seen in a while. Her lips meet Penelope’s, one of her hands coming up to cup Penelope’s face as she leans further into the kiss. Penelope lets her eyes flutter closed, happy to follow Josie’s lead as she reciprocates the kiss.

 Josie pulls back eventually, the hand cupping Penelope’s cheek sliding down to rest just below her jaw as she leans her forehead against Penelope’s while they catch their breath.

 “I thought we only made out when worms were invading our brains?” Penelope asks, repeating Josie’s jab from the day before. She doesn’t want to ruin what just occurred between them, but she needs to know that Josie is serious about this. Is serious about her.

 “We both know that was an excuse. I didn’t know how to process the fact that I still wanted you after everything you put me though,” Josie says, “And I’m still not completely past everything that happened but- I miss you Penelope.”

 “If you’re serious about this-“ Penelope starts.

 “So serious,” Josie gives her a genuine smile, the kind that Penelope hasn’t had directed at her in a long time.

 “Alright,” Penelope shuts her eyes again and let’s herself lie in Josie’s arms for a minute, let’s herself feel happy. “We really should get some sleep,” Penelope says eventually with a soft sigh, “But we can finish this conversation in the morning when we’re both more awake.”

 Penelope sits up slightly and leans across Josie to turn the lamp off. Once the room is dark again she settles back onto her side and Josie repositions herself, her front pressed to Penelope’s back with a hand tucked securely around the other girl’s waist. Penelope hadn’t realized just how much she’d missed this. When she had broken things off with Josie she had thought she was doing what was in Josie’s best interest while failing to consider what it would do to both her and to Josie. For someone who claimed to be able to see the big picture sometimes Penelope missed things, things like how alone she would feel without Josie. But it seemed that this was something she could come back from after all.  Penelope plans to stay awake until Josie falls asleep but she finds herself drifting off to the sound of Josie’s breathing and the off rhythm feeling of Josie stroking her thumb across Penelope’s ribs where her hand sits underneath her sleep shirt.

[pantstomatch]

I really liked how you wrote the a/b/o dynamic in your last fic. It wasn't some thing that overruled and defined everything about the characters, which is so awesome because I doubt many people - Stiles especially - would deal well with that. Anyway, i thought I'd washed my hands with a/b/o fics but it's sucked me back down again. Do you have any fic recs?

thank you so much! that fic was super fun to write, and I loved cramming in all my favorite tropes :)  I’m a big fan of a/b/o, idek why, but I love it. I’m sure all the ones I’d rec are well known, but here’s a list of some of my favs in no particular order.

we can take our time by KouriArashi

Tact and social mores are completely relegated to the back of Derek’s brain, and without thinking, he blurts out, “Did you spend your heat alone?”

Stiles’ head jerks around in surprise, and then he flushes pink and looks away. His voice comes out brusque and unfriendly. “Not that it’s any of your business, but I spend every heat alone.”

Knot if You Don’t Knock by jsea, marguerite_26

Stiles never expects to present as an omega – that’s something that happens to people like Greenberg, not him. He is so wrong.

His life only gets stranger when Derek Hale mistakenly bursts through the door of his exam room during a doctor’s appointment. What happens next is a complicated series of events, including freshly baked cookies, book-carrying and surprise heats.

Build an Ivory Tower by teot 

Stiles didn’t know how Derek sleeping on his floor developed into sleeping in his bed, or how cuddling ended up turning into Derek humping his ass. He didn’t agree to being knotted in the school locker room, either. But what can you do when Derek Hale wants something? He’s the Alpha, after all.

You Smell Like Mine by bleep0bleep, marguerite_26 

People talk about the alpha instinct, an alpha’s head being swayed by a nice-smelling omega, or the desire to drop everything and show off. Derek’s never felt any of that. He’s just not that kind of alpha.

Then he meets Stiles.

Say It With Me (Don’t Assume) by orphan_account (I’m pretty sure this is by KuriKuri, does anyone know if this was abandoned on purpose or not, since they’re’ still on AO3 with other fic?)

Derek knows way too much about how omega heat suppressants work now, after having been partnered with Stiles for as long as he has. They’re probably his favorite thing to bitch about whenever they’re stuck on a stakeout. Of course, omegas on the force aren’t required to take them. Derek’s never really understood why Stiles does, if he hates them so much, especially –

– especially because he’s bonded.

#omegaproblems by subnivean 

Stiles didn’t need an alpha. He might want one, though.

The Sanctuary by chase_acow

Stiles runs away during his first heat, right into the waiting and ambiguously scary arms of the Alpha’s nephew, Derek Hale. He doesn’t have any choice except to submit, but along the way, he digs up a mystery that threatens his family and even the town’s safety.

Old Traditions, Werewolf Edition by Footloose 

Stiles does not work his Omega ass off to attract frat boy Alphas. Absolutely not. He’s at college to get his degree. If he’s crushing on an Alpha who never crosses the lines of propriety, well, no one needs to know, right?

Mix and Match by Jerakeen 

Stiles walks into the Beacon Hills alpha-omega mixer with a smile on his face and three condoms in his wallet.

monday i can fall apart but by friday i’m in love by tryslora

It’s just past five in the morning and Stiles is barely awake, wearing only sleep pants that hang low below his pregnant belly, and he can’t get the damned brand new jar of decaf coffee open. But he has a neighbor, and he’s too tired to think that waking someone else up at this hour might not be the best (or politest) of ideas.

Someday Came Today by Fatebegins

“March 2, 1810…Today, I met the man I’m going to marry.”

At the age of eight, Genim “Stiles” Stilinski showed no signs of Great Beauty. And even at eight, Stiles learned to accept the expectations society held for him–until the evening when Derek Hale, the handsome and dashing Alpha of the Hale pack, solemnly kissed his hand and promised him that one day he would grow into himself, that one day he would be as beautiful as he already was smart. And even at eight, Stiles knew he would love him forever.

But the years that followed were as cruel to Derek as they were kind to Stiles. Stiles is as intriguing as the Duke boldly predicted on that memorable day–while Derek is a lonely, bitter man, crushed by a devastating loss. But Stiles has never forgotten the truth he set down on paper all those years earlier–and he will not allow the love that is his destiny to slip through his fingers . .

Rare Books and Special Collections by KuriKuri

Derek Hale hates libraries.

Unfortunately, not all books can be ordered on Amazon.

(Or: in which Derek is a grumpy omega writer, and Stiles is an annoyingly attractive alpha special collections librarian.)

The One With The Mail-Order Brides and A/B/O Dynamics by Stoney

Wolves aren’t meant to be alone. Laura tells Derek this repeatedly. Which… is why Derek knows he’s losing his mind, as Laura has been dead for more than six years. Wolves aren’t meant to be alone.

And so he sends away for a companion. JUST for a companion, not for a mate. The universe, however, has a different plan in store for him.

here comes trouble by grimm 

All Derek wants is one day where he can sleep without worry of being woken by gunfire, without the threat of death hanging over his head. He wants a full stomach and no pain clinging to his bones, no ache in his feet from months of running. He wants a shower, a safe place to put his head. He wants his family, the healing comfort of pack. He’ll never have any of that again.

You’re a Mess, But You’re a Catch to Me by jsea

The laws are clear: omegas are required to have an alpha guardian. So when the sheriff gets shot, Derek is roped in to stepping up as Stiles’ temporary alpha while he recovers.

Derek knew it was going to be a bad idea, but he never could have predicted all of the ways that Stiles would end up turning his life upside down.

Worth the Wait by Dexterous_Sinistrous

Stiles always had a thing for Derek, but then again, so did everyone else. Stiles just wanted to be seen as different, which was why he waited.

But maybe he waited a little too long.

Can’t Be Saved (Not So Frail) by weathervaanes

“Kira doesn’t care a wick if you can afford her dresses and bonnets, I’m well aware. It doesn’t change the fact that I have to look after her best interests. I’d like her to be with an Alpha that puts her above all else even if he cannot afford her every luxury.”

Scott looks surprised. “I know you do not know me, sir, but I can promise you that that is my only wish. I—I love Kira quite dearly, and all I want is to provide for her, make her happy.”

“So you will marry off your brother,” Derek says, taking a sip from his drink.

-0-

In which Kira is Derek’s ward, Stiles is Scott’s brother, and omega heat cycles are good for everyone.

Fight Fires In Your Best Clothes by standinginanicedress

The key isn’t actually being confident, he repeats in his head in Lydia’s breathy voice. It’s faking the hell out of it and looking as sexy as possible while you do it. For omegas, it’s easy. There’s a natural charm to all of us that only takes seconds to engage, and barely takes practice.

Walk into the room, he chants in his head. Own it, and look people in the eyes. Find the best looking alpha, have them buy you a drink, and the rest is easy.

Fallen for You by Mynuet

Stiles is not swooning when his hot next door neighbor comes to his rescue. He’s not! Maybe a little.

Survival of the Species by Lissadiane 

“I think I’m dying.” Nothing makes sense – and now Derek has left him.

“No, Mr. Stilinski,” Deaton says grimly, rooting around in his special cupboard of herbs and remedies. “I’m afraid not. You’re merely suffering from a biological imperative to bear your alpha’s children and strengthen the pack.”

Stiles considers that for a moment, as best he can with his mind a hazy mess, and then he says quietly, “I think that might be worse.”

“So, so much worse,” Scott agrees.

*In which Derek’s pack is apparently stable enough to begin planning for the future, and somehow, the universe has decided Stiles is the perfect candidate to bear his alpha’s children.

i need your sway by thatworldinverted

Stiles always figured it would be Scott who saw him through his first heat. They pinky-swore on it, in fact, when they were eleven and newly-presented. There haven’t exactly been an abundance of offers between then and now.

What there is now, though, is the pack, and pack takes care of each other.

How to Woo Your Local Omega by alocalband

Stiles knows a pity gift when he sees one. Mostly because that’s all he’s ever gotten from anyone since the moment he hit puberty.

I don’t know why, but I guess it has something to do with you by LunaCanisLupus_22

“You smell like me,” the guy says, scowling as he crowds in and Stiles staggers back between the coats and finally hits the wall. “Why do you smell like me?”

He barely lets out a garbled sound as the blood rushes to his cheeks. “No reason,” Stiles yelps, struggling to get his footing and grasping at a whirlwind of puffy fur.

Or the one where Stiles goes thrift shopping and steals an alpha’s shirt. And gets a lot more than he bargains for.

[bisexualpirateheart]

Okay, so, weird question, feel free to ignore this! But I've been trying to figure out if I'm lesbian or bisexual for a long time, and I don't know anyone who's bisexual to compare my experiences to, so I thought I'd try and ask you, if that's something you're comfortable with: how do you know for sure that you're attracted to men, too? Like, possible tmi, I really enjoy a lot of m/m fic with blowjob scenes, etc, and I think about men often when I'm fantasizing -- I think mostly just because 1/2

2/2 I have a submission kink and I like the idea of penetration that’s also directly physically stimulating for the person doing the penetrating, but maybe that’s my brain making excuses? (Also quite probably internalized sexism, which I’m embarrassed about.) And I feel like Toby Stephens is really attractive, but on the other hand pictures of naked men like the Tom gifset you posted do absolutely nothing for me. I tried once, with a guy, and I just kept like petting his equipment literally 2/3

3/3 but then didn’t want to do any more than that. But maybe that’s just because I didn’t like him all that much? Anyway I realise this is such a weird tmi inappropriate question to ask. I don’t have anybody irl to ask and I’m embarrassed not to have figured this stuff out in my early thirties. I think I’m a lesbian, but like, maybe I’m fooling myself? A real lesbian wouldn’t fantasize about men? How did you know you were really attracted to them and not just imagining it?

Okay so my response got pretty lengthy so I am putting it behind a cut. 

Tldr: there is no wrong way for you to identify and only you get to decide what works for you.

For starters, it’snever too late to figure stuff out, Anon! Just because you’re in your thirtiesand still figuring this out, doesn’t make that any less true. If there’s onething I’ve learned as I get older, there’s always more stuff to figure out. It’show life goes, which is unfortunate in some ways (it would be easier if we had everythingalready figured out obviously) and all right in others. I was in mymid-twenties when I realized I was bisexual and while on the one hand, I wouldhave liked to have figured that out sooner, it would have been hell at thatpoint in time, where I was in life. Mostly the realization just made sense, anda lot of things fell into place and just clicked in my brain.

Also I’ve dealt withkinda the same thing as you, but in reverse. Am I not really bisexual because Igrew up thinking I was straight, attracted solely to men, etc. How do I know ifI’m really attracted to women or do I just think they’re pretty and I’mpretending that admiration is more? I haven’t kissed as many women as I’vekissed men and so forth, am I just faking this?

I unpacked it when Irealized that I felt the same about Sarah Connor that I did about DeanWinchester. I found them attractive I wanted to be like them, I wanted to do them. While that doesn’t work for everyone (especially in real life, obviously) butit did help me put my feelings into perspective.

Attraction is weird,it’s fickle, it often doesn’t happen when we think it should. You can be on adate with the nicest person and not be attracted to them. You can’t forcesomething like that. Sometimes it comes along after awhile, sometimes it neverdoes. I’m not attracted to every man I see, just as I’m not attracted to everywoman I see.

If you’re notattracted to men you see on a daily basis, irl, on the street, etc, that isokay! If you’re attracted to actors sometimes, that is also okay! I think aboutthis a lot actually because it can be easier to allow an attraction to an actordevelop because you don’t have to deal with the pressure/nerves of getting toknow someone in person, and plus they’re just *there*. They play roles youlike, characters you’re interested in, it’s easy to allow attraction to grow inthat space because it’s a safe environment to let it happen.

Regardingcelebrities/actors/musicians, all of that taste and attraction is entirely subjective.Nobody is attractive to everyone. I know that when people are like ‘oh man,This Guy is just the hottest’ and you’re like ‘…..I see where you’re coming from,but he just doesn’t do it for me.’ That can make you feel like you don’t fitin, you don’t understand other people, and so forth.  That is okay. I know it feels false, but itis! Just because other people find someone attractive doesn’t mean you’restrange for not doing so. The things that appeal to us, that make up the thingsthat form attraction are just random.

Also, Only You Get ToDecide If You’re A Real Lesbian. That is a thing that you are in control of. Doyou like the identity of lesbian? Does it feel the most natural? Has it feltright until someone told you were a fake for thinking about men? Do you want tocontinue identifying as a lesbian or does bisexual truly seem a more applicableterm? Do you feel like you’re betraying lesbians if you do decide you’re bi?You’re not, by the way. Sexuality is far more fluid than people like to thinkand as we get older, we come to know ourselves better. You are not betrayingone side if you decide something else fits you better now. You get to decidewhat label works for you. No one else gets to say you’re not a real lesbianbecause you enjoy fantasizing about men from time to time, if that label feelscomfortable for you. That’s not how it works.

On the subject of dicks,it’s not weird or wrong to consider or discuss the differences between whethera guy’s doing the penetrating or a woman and what that’s like/how it feels forthat partner. (Women can get physical pleasure from being the partner penetrating btw. Possibly you might be interested in pegging?) Also dicks are a lot of fun in fantasies and fiction and often muchmore frustrating in real life. It’s not wrong to not be into them (but it could be that that particular guy justwasn’t the one for you. It doesn’t mean you have to keep touching dicks untilyou find one that interests you. It also doesn’t mean you can’t touch anotherdick if you feel like it. With the dick owner’s consent, obviously. I do notadvocate just going around touching dicks at will. People frown on that.) Alsowe all have internalized sexism, because unfortunately that shit is ingrainedin us when we’re young, which sucks, but as long as we’re aware of it and dealwith it, things do get easier on that front. (Also obviously not all men havedicks, not all women have vaginas, that’s not how we define gender etc butanyway.)

When it comes down to figuringout if you’re genuinely attracted to men, I guess, think about the men you havebeen attracted to and find attractive (smiles at Toby Stephens), the men whoshow up in your fantasies. Think about what it is that makes that appealing. Isit a fictional aspect? Is it that particular character in a show? Is it reallygood hair? The curve of their jaw? A good sense of humor? The way they smile? Thereare no wrong answers and like I said, attraction is a strange fickle thing. Whenyou find something in particular like that, that works for you, how does itmake you feel? Good? Aroused? Interested to see what would happen if you twowere in a room together? This is literally different for every person you willmeet in your life or see on a screen, but for me my stomach gets a littletight, like I’m nervous, but it’s not bad, it’s more just edge of the precipiceexcited, like if the person stands close to you and all you can think is ‘youare standing so close to me, and your shirt is unbuttoned and I can see yourthroat and chest and I recognize you are saying words, but you are standing soclose to me.’ THINGS LIKE THAT. (Again, this is different for everyone, butrecognizing your own responses, how does your body react, etc, that’s all partof recognizing attraction.)

Also the first chart on this post here helps break down different kinds of attraction for what it’s worth and maybe that’ll be helpful for you too.

There is no cleardivided line in bisexuality unfortunately. It’s not like half of you is interested in men,half of you is interested in women. It’s more shifting percentages I’ve found.I started out thinking ‘oh yeah, I’m definitely like 95% straight but there isa 5% that is interested in girls.’ And that 5% shifted to 10% and more, andmore and slowly I was like ‘welllllllllllll…..here we are.’ A lot of days Ifeel I’m at a 60/40 range, mostly because I know how to identify my attractionto a dude more immediately than to a woman. (Is she just nice? She’s pretty butis she pretty in I want to kiss her or I just want to look at her??? How do Iknow for sure? And sometimes it’s one and sometimes it’s the other.)

What it really comesdown to, you get to decide what works for you. Basically, if you want toidentify as bisexual, you can do that. If you want to identify as a lesbian,you can also do that. The latter doesn’t mean you have to stop fantasizingabout men, and the former doesn’t mean you have to engage in sexual activities withmen irl you’re not really that interested in. There is nothing wrong with beinga lesbian who has fantasies about men, or bisexual who doesn’t want to touch themajority of dicks out there.

I know this isn’t areal definitive answer to your question, and I’m sorry about that. I wish Icould give you one. I wish I could make this all easier and tomorrow you wouldn’thave to wake up thinking ‘oh god, which one is right?’

There is no right one.There is only you and how you feel about things and what works for you.

But I want you to know that I think you’re greatjust as you are, and I hope you have a lovely life with people you enjoy. Allthe best