#but at 4:45am after almost no sleep i easily got myself out of bed and took a shower

[dragons-and-yellow-roses]

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[ssa-daddyhotchner]

Undercover - Chapter 9

Chapter Selection 

I was awakened by Hotch's alarm. I turn around and reach for his phone to turn it off. My headache pounding. It had only been a few hours since we drank. Honestly I was still a little drunk. 

I collapse on him waking him up. "Ughh", I mumble into the crook of his neck. "What is it", That was a dumbass question he knows I'm not a morning person. "Do you really have to ask me that." 

He chuckles, "Yes how would you feel if we took a shower. The hot water would be nice."

I get up and walk into the bathroom and turn on the water. As I'm waiting for the water to heat up I brush my teeth. I feel hands around my waist and lips on my collarbone. 

I look into the mirror and he's standing behind me looking hot even when he first wakes up. 

His head rests on my shoulder then I tug at his hand to get into the shower. I turn him into the water first, he needs it more. I put shampoo into his hair and massage it in. 

"You're good at that", I giggle and then wash it out. "Your turn", he turns me around and washes me. 

We step out of the shower and into the bedroom and I shiver. "Here wear this", He tosses me one of his hoodies. I put it on and I'm met with the smell of mint. 

He gets dressed first and leaves while I get ready. I finish up and walk into the kitchen where he's making breakfast. "Whatcha making?" 

"Pancakes, eggs, and sausage patties. We have a long day ahead of us and this might be the only thing we eat for a while." 

"True, did you start the coffee already." He hands me a cup answering my question.

We talked for a while til we had to leave at 5am for the strip. 

_____________________

When we got there it was 5:45am and Aaron told the pilot that we could leave. The team would be heading down later in the day. I sat on the couch my head resting against the wall. My legs in Aarons lap his hand writing his name up and down my leg. 

"When we get there remember we don't have to hide from the team." The thought brought a smile to my face even though I still didn't want them to know. 

"When we get there, my ass is slamming onto the bed and taken a fucking nap." Aaron chuckled and agreed.

The rest of the fight were spent with small naps and causal conversation. 

We arrived in New York at 7am and it wasn't as busy as it usually is. There was a car waiting for us when we got out the airport and they drove us to the Penthouse. 

Through the street we saw the luxurious building we were staying at. It was 30 stories and our place had two floors. The driver dropped us off and we walked in. 

I put my hand in his and continued walking through the lobby. It had black and white marble floors, a mirror ceiling, gold pillars on the sides with a red carpet going down the center leading to the elevator. 

We walk to the man behind the desk, "Amelia Perez." The man behind the desk began typing into his computer. "You're on the top floor, here's the key card. You need this to use the elevator; It only works for your floor." 

"Thank you, have a nice day." I say while walking away, "You too."

He gives us a smile as we walk into the elevator. The floor numbers slowly rising as we got closer.The doors open and I'm in awe. There are hardwood floors, white walls, a chandelier greeting you once you enter.

Their was a very large balcony with huge glass doors that led outside. With leather sofas and fire pit in center. 

In the living room; white couches, a fire place in front, and one wall is solely for a window. The window extends into the kitchen giving a full view of the city. 

There was a clear view of everything. The sun still rising lighting up the sky with virous colors.

The stairs start from the entrance and go up a wall and the loft extends to the kitchen as well. There is a skylight pointing directly into the living room and another one in the kitchen. 

The loft has a queen size bed, a couch on one wall and a 60 inch tv on the other. The bathroom is black with a single shower and a jacuzzi bathtub. I'm definitely using that later. 

I'm laying down on the couch when I smell something. "What do I smell!", I yell across the room. 

"I'm making food", he yells. "What kind of food, its smells so fucking good" 

"You'll have to see", I didn't wanna get up but I do. Picking myself up off the couch.

I walk into the kitchen and I see tomatoes, eggs, flour, basil. I see him rolling out a dough and making an alfredo sauce with chicken. I gasp; he looks at me and chuckles. "Chicken alfredo?"

He nodded continuing to roll the dough out.

"Are you making your own noodles?" 

"Yes I am." I take a seat on the bar stool watching him. "Well you're just full of surprises aren't you." 

He looks at me and smiles, "You have no idea." I walk behind him and wrap my hand around his waist and kiss his neck. He turns around and nips my cheek.

He finally finishes dinner and we eat. I got a huge bowl almost eating all of it. 

It's 10am when I walk back upstairs and collapse on the bed, falling asleep. I toss and turn until Aaron walks into the room. "Cant sleep?", I groan in response. He sets an alarm for 4:30pm. 

He climbs into bed next to me and pulls me close, his arm snakes around me. I nestle my head into his chest and take a deep breath taking in the smell of his cologne. 

He kisses the top of my head. I feel his warmth and it makes me relaxed. I fall asleep to the sound of his heart beating. Aaron falls asleep to the sound of my steady breathing. 

*beep*beep*beep*beep*

I grumble, "Shut that shit off." Aaron turns off the alarm. "We gotta get up, party is at 6", he says as he nudges me. "Fine", I get up and start getting ready. 

I look through the closet and find a red dress that reaches my calves with a slit up the side that stops at my mid thigh and a pair of red 2 inch heels. 

I throw them on and start to curl my hair loosely. Doing my makeup with a stubble red color lipstick, black eyeliner, and putting on false eyelashes. I get ready in an hour.

I take a step forward walking down the stairs and Aaron looks at me in awe. 

His mouth opens a little, "You look amazing." 

"Thank you, you look great." I say with a smirk. He has his hair set back, wearing a black tuxedo with a bow tie, and black dress shoes. 

He adjusts the Rolex on his wrist. "Take this", he hands me an ear piece to wear for communicating with the rest of the team. "Can you guys hear me?", I ask hoping it works. 

"Yeah we can", the whole team responds. We walk to the door, I put my hands on his bicep going into the elevator.

When we get outside he opens the limo door for me and I climb in with him. 

"Where too" 

"172 Madison Avenue." 

The ride was quiet until Aaron spoke up, "Remember when we get there I'm Christopher Harris, and your Amelia Perez." I nod my head and that's when we get to the party.. 

The driver stops the car, "Thank you." We smile at the driver. 

Hotch opens the door for me and helps me walk out. I grab his hand and he walks me through the lobby. I am approached by the man at the front desk. "Here for the Stalone?"

"Yes sir and which floor is it on?" 

"Top floor." 

I press the top floor and we ride up. The doors open and I notice all the people. He guides me through the crowd, they're all dressed in gowns and suits. 

"Let me guess the bar", I nod eagerly at his words. We get to the bar and he orders us a drink not asking me what I wanted. 

"Do any of you have your eyes on Carmine." I feel a nudge on my right and its Hotch handing me a vodka and coke. 

"How'd you know my drink"

"Lucky guess."

He says while sipping on his scotch. I'm enjoying my conversation while scanning the room searching for Carmine. 

"We have eyes", JJ says into the earpiece. I smile through my words, "Where." 

"Outside in the gazebo, hes guarded by 2 people. You're gonna have to get his attention if you wanna talk to him." Morgan states.

"Well that's just great isn't it, ok follow my lead." I say tugging on Aarons arm.

__________________

I went outside and noticed Carmine was sitting with a few girls and he had two bodyguards in the front.

Hotch was walking behind me when I pushed him back, "Don't fucking touch me asshole." I said loud enough for Carmine to hear; Aaron quickly realized what I was doing. 

"Amelia don't be that way come on give me one more chance and if I mess up again I'll leave you alone", I saw Carmine start to stare at me from the corner of my eye. 

"Fine but talk to me or do that bullshit again and you'll find yourself in the ground." I said sternly and I flipped him off. "Leave me alone, we'll talk later", I walked to the ledge and looked at the skyline. 

Hearing footsteps behind me I turned my head slightly. Got you dumbass. "I noticed the commotion a little while ago, you okay sweetheart?" 

I felt his cold hand on my back. I started to cry, having a tear in my eye when I looked at him. "Yeah I'm okay just pissed off at him. He had the audacity to do that to me, I deserve better."

"Yeah you do. How about you come and sit with me so we can talk a few things over." 

Carmine looks at my neck easily knowing the necklace I'm wearing is worth a few 100 thousand. He sits me down, "After that whole thing, do you have a place you can stay or are you gonna go back home with that asshole." 

"I'll probably go back with him, he might be a dick but he's my boyfriend and it's our place. I'm not gonna leave after one fight."

"So what do you do for a living." 

"I do off shore business." Throwing him a smirk, "If you don't mind my asking. What kind of offshore business." 

"I more or less invest in some privately owned places that do... certain things." He smiles at me while talking into my eyes. The feeling unsettles me making my skin crawl.

He gets up and puts out his hand and looks at me. I grab his hand, "Let's talk about this in private. You can call your boyfriend after we chat", Carmine says with a smirk.

Rossi walks over to Hotch who is sitting at the bar. "Do you see y/n?"

"She was with Carmine outside, they were talking that's all I saw." Morgan looks around from the dance floor with Emily, "We don't see her, she's not outside neither is Carmine." 

Rossi talks into the earpiece, "Garcia I need you to hack the cameras find her now." Garcia searches most of the cameras when she sees me for a few seconds. 

"Second floor far right corner, they're going into a room." 

"Can you get eyes in there", Garcia says no.

I walk into the room following Carmine, he takes a seat on the couch; points telling me to sit. 

"Now I assume you know what my family does for a living", he waits for my answer. 

"I do", he looks at me sternly. 

"How would you like to make some money and invest a little bit", he asks me. I'm just happy he got straight to the point. Maybe this will be over with quicker than I thought. 

"One how much would you like, two maybe i'll think about it", I shrug and look away. 

He had curiosity written all over his face. He speaks up, "I'll give you a call, see how you feel about the arrangement." 

I give him my number, then tells me I could leave. I stand up and walk out through the door and try to find Hotch. 

Garcia spots me on the camera, "She's back and walking towards you Hotch." I see him looking around trying to find me. "Miss me", I walk up to him. 

He looks at me and his face relaxes and he exhales deeply, "Mmm maybe a little". We smile at the comment and he puts a hand on my waist and grabs my hand. "Wanna dance?"

"I'm not the dancing type"

"Well you are tonight." He pulls me to the dance floor. "What'd he say to you in there" 

"Just that we could invest in his little company you know the usual." 

I hear JJ over the mic, "Well that was fast how'd you get him to talk." 

"What can I say? I'm very persuasive", I smirk. Aaron looks into my eyes and turns off our mics. 

"What are you doing", he doesn't say anything. He leans into my ear and whispers. "You were a good girl today maybe I might give you a reward."

My face turns red at the words and he pulls away to look at my reaction. I don't say anything but I give him a kiss on the cheek and I turn the mics back on. 

"Ok babe I'm tired, what do you say we go home", I grab his hand and guide him to the elevator and leave. "You guys stay, behind to track his movements, we are gonna go." 

The team says ok and we get into the car and head back to the penthouse. During the drive we don't say anything. He slides his hand up my leg and places his hand on my thigh. 

I shift a bit and my breathing hitches. He notices and gives my thigh and squeeze then slides in higher up. 

I close my eyes and put my head back against the seat. I felt a sudden cold spot on my leg when I opened my eyes he removed his hand and went to open the door. "Were here", he walked over to my side and guided me out of the car and into the building. 

In the elevator I grab his hand and our fingers intertwine. He smiles but doesnt look at me. 

The doors open and I walk straight upstairs, he goes to follow behind me but I stop him, "You know baby I would really love to fuck but honestly I'm tried." 

He looks at me and chuckles, "Ok princess." He turns around and goes downstairs. I sit on the bed and take off the dress and place it back into the closet. 

I go to take off my bra and there's a sudden relief. I turn on the shower and I smell food but I ignore it. I wash my hair, body, and brush my teeth. 

When I get out of the shower I see the time I was in there for over half an hour. I put on a tight white crop top and some red and black shorts. 

Going down the stairs I noticed Aaron had changed also into some striped pajama pants, he didn't have a shirt on. 

My eyes locked onto his body and I looked him up and down, when my eyes met his there was a smile on his face. 

"Enjoying something", He was holding back a laugh. "Nope nothing, did you make food?" 

I walked over to the couch and turned on a movie. "I did but that's gone now sorry did you want something." 

My stomach grumbled but I wasn't too hungry. 

"Yeah can you get some wine, please and thank you." He walked into the kitchen and grabbed two glasses and poured some wine and gave me a glass. 

"You're welcome", He sat down next to me but I put my legs on his and we started to watch the movie. 

The wine was gone now and we're both a little tipsy. Gradually he would shift on the couch like he was uncomfortable. I nudged him, "Come here." I pulled him up and I opened my legs so he was lying in between them. 

He was moving so his arms were wrapped around my torso and his head was on my chest listening to my breathing. "Better?", he looked at me and hummed

I brought my hands up and put them on his head and started to stroke his hair. His hair was soft and smelled like coconut. 

I noticed he had closed his eyes and was sleeping so I turned off the movie and decided to not wake him up. I set up an alarm and went to sleep. 

I wake to the sound of my alarm; Aaron still laying down on my chest. His breathing is steady, I wrap my arms around him and just hold him. He wakes, sits up, and goes to the bathroom. 

"Well good morning to you too I guess", I mutter but he doesn't hear me. 

My phone starts to ring, "Hey y/n, he already has your number so now we just wait for him to call you guys. You have the day off I guess." JJ said over the phone. I look over at the kitchen and my stomach growls. 

"Ok thanks for the update." From there I hang up the phone and yell out to Aaron 

"Yo!", I don't hear him answer so I yell again. "What!", He finally calls back.

"We have the day off, did you wanna go out or stay in!?", he yells to stay in.

He walks out of the bathroom and into the kitchen for some water. I walk over and sit on one of the stools. 

"So Mr. Chef what's in store today?", his eyes shift over to mine and he chuckles. 

"Well I was thinking something simple like", he pulls out a box of mac and cheese from the cabinet and places it on the counter. 

His phone starts to ring and he steps out of the room. 

I hear shuffling and whisper yelling. I walk over to the door but I don't open it. I hear a quiet stuttering. Then he ends the call and Aaron starts to walk back towards the door.

______________________________

@mac99martin @appleblossoms-posts @oreogutz @donttellanyoneireadfanfiction @marie1115

[pretty-volatile]

Tuesday, June 18th, 2019 1:51 am

Okay so I don't know what the fuck was up with today but I was like splitting literally aaalll day. Or almost all day. Okay so maybe I might know why. But like it just seemed so *much* that I just don't entirely understand why it was so easy to cave in and how it was so intense. I know last night I don't go to bed at 4:30 and I was originally going to wake up at 8:30 so we could get ready to go to my 10am therapist appointment. But I woke up to my partner saying hey wake up. I woke up and I knew that I slept in the moment my partner had to wake me up. It was so disheartening when I looked at my phone to see 9:45am. I tried calling all the numbers I had for my therapist, but no answer. Then I emailed her about how we slept through both of our alarms and that I wasn't going to be able to make it in time. I asked her if she had any other time slots available before my appointment Friday as well. I sent it at like 9:56. Then it was 10:12 and still no answer. I was so so so so mad at myself for sleeping through the alarms. This is unfortunately something that happens every once in a while and I think it happens when I'm super fucking tired. Maybe. Idk. But I just hate myself so much for it. And then I started to split a little bit at my partner because they didn't hear the alarms go off either, but like it wasn't their fault. I know they can't wake up easily. That's why I have to be the one that gets us up. Which is fine, when I actually wake up t-t ... But I was just kind of looking for other reasons to push the blame on or something. I just couldn't believe I slept in when I knew I really really needed to go. I immediately felt the need to go smoke (both). So I left and was starting to smoke and as I was starting I could just feel the black & white thinking was getting worse. I was getting so so so so close to fuck it all mode. Then I checked my email again and I got a response and she had a 1pm appointment available the same day. So of course I said yes! I continued to smoke and the smoked in the porch. Came back in, made food for us and stuff. And I think I was being an ass while we were getting ready too. But we managed to get to the appointment. I talked to my therapist and I let her know how I'm doing and how that I'm not okay, but that's okay because I'm going to get help. We made some goals that we want to work on with DBT when we start that. She also helped prepare me a bit for Friday. Such as, I need to make sure I mention I'm also on hormones. Which I know I have to bring that up for medical reasons, but I really hope that whoever I'm seeing isn't like transphobic o.o"

But then the rest of the day I just was so so sensitive and everything felt like conspiring against me? I kept acting like my partner was trying to be an ass to me or that they were out to get me or to hurt my feelings, so I'd turn into Mx. Vicious Asshat over here and I just kept yelling about everything. Even when I was trying to have a regular conversation I would start to feel the energy build up and the only release I turned to was yelling because if I did anything else I would've ended up breaking something or punching something. Which lmao I did punch something but ssshhhh. But it wasn't until I was so exhausted from going to being fine, to rage split, to crying and wanting to end my life or wanting to "break up" (not actually but ya know that feel where you're like "I'm no good for you, I only treat you like shit, I always yell at you, you deserve better....[blah blah blah]") that I finally decided to just go for a walk because I could tell no matter what I tried to do to conceal it or control it, the more and more of a dick I came across as. And the more I kept splitting. I knew I needed to spend the energy otherwise I'd just keep stewing in it. I felt better after the walk and some food. Plus we had a nice movie night. I love my partner so much. I don't like hurting them and I want it to stop happening, or at the very least be able to recover faster and to actually be attentive to their needs. When I'm splitting it's so hard to care for the other person's perspective. Which I really don't like either because I try to be a sympathetic/empathetic person because I do care about others for the most part. Sometimes I just wanna be alone, but like alone with those I want to be alone with. But yeah. Shit's complicated

[2centsofsilver]

OMG I AM SO EXCITED AND HAPPY RIGHT NOW!!! I’m sitting in Espresso Royale, my new favorite coffee shop, right on South U, across from the SSW. I just got done eating a super shitty cheese calzone at this hole in the wall pizza joint a few stores down.  Let’s backtrack for a moment. I didn’t end up needing to call the CAPS crisis hotline last night or the national crisis text line for the first time in 4 days. I ended up confiding to my new SSW friend Brendon about my suicidal ideations and needing urgent help. Together we came up with the game plan that I would go to advising this morning and either the picnic after or skip the picnic and go to CAPS. I ended up coming home last night after SEED and crashing from 7:45-11:45 and going back to bed around 3:45am till 10. I got ready and left sorta late and then the bus didn’t come right away. It was held up in traffic once on the bus and then I had to walk from MI Union to Lorch, except I had no idea where Lorch Hall was. My GPS walking directions led me to it and I couldn’t find the entrance. I think it just connects through the School of Ed, but I didn’t know how to get in there. I ended up walking way past it and asking a security guard who once again pointed me toward where my GPS led me. Around 11:04 I decided my social anxiety was too severe to walk in late, so I sat on a bench to try and stop sweating. P.S. Did I mention I got my period yesterday? Fuck. More on that later. Point: I couldn’t hardly move my body forward on campus walking to Lorch and had exhausted myself and had to sit down. After deciding to fucking skip required MSW Advising, I just sat on the bench in the shade a while and decided finally, to walk to CAPS. I decided to take the bus back to the park and ride and back again to the Union because I couldn’t walk the 900 steps to the Union. But when the 62 arrived in front of the Libraries, I couldn’t walk the 10 steps fast enough to get on and missed it. By this time I was basically sleep walking. I finally made it to the Union and went to the 3rd floor. I drank some water and then walked into CAPS: “I need a walk in.” She couldn’t hear me. “I need a walk in. It’s an emergency.” She asked me to repeat myself. “I NEED A WALK IN. IS PATTY HERE?” “Ohhhhhh sorry. I thought you said you needed water. No, I don’t think Patty is the crisis psychologist today, I think it’s Cheryl. You’ll just need to fill out the urgent care questionare on the computer.” Went and did that.  Through life experience, you learn well. You don’t flow with the masses. Aka, when directions say, “Be Breif” and you’re in crisis (or not in crisis), be as thorough as possible. I explained everything in that little box. I knew I didn’t possess the energy to voice it out loud. I then proceeded to flip through an adult coloring book (all filled up) and sorta doze off/stare into space. When you close your eyes in a counseling center waiting room, not afraid to fall asleep, and you have severe social anxiety, that’s how you know you must not be doing well. Stop blaming yourself and telling yourself your problems aren’t real, < , or exaggerated. That’s something your parents would say. Eventually Cheryl came out and called my name. She was calm, sweet, and smiling. I followed her back and sat down in a chair and a big, vast, open, light room with big windows. It was pleasant. She sat down with me and told me she thoroughly read all of Patty’s notes from my last 2 times and was up to date on my history. She said she thoroughly read my description and said she deeply appreciated it. She then apologized for my struggle the last few weeks in finding help. She validated my severe depression, SI, and PMDD. When she apologized for my struggles in finding help, I turned away and cried just a little. I told her I’ve never once struggled in my life finding a therapist. When I told her I’ve been in therapy 11 years, she sympathized. I’d never experienced that before. Not sure how I feel about the sympathy, but I appreciated her deep genuine care. I don't know what my life would have been like without therapy and I love therapy. I do well with therapy, so I never thought to myself, “I wish I didn’t need therapy.” I’d be very scared to be thrown into the world without it. I also cried because I told her I didn’t understand why CAPS couldn’t help me long term when they’re all I’ve found who have helped me so far. The only source of hope I’ve had.  Immediately, she was very committed to finding me immediate, concrete help. Not just help, but ANSWERS. SOLUTIONS. I am so fucking grateful for CAPS. So far both Patty and Cheryl have been the absolute best, most effective psychologists I have ever met. CONCRETE from the start. U of M is no joke. She wanted to know if I have a psychiatrist, what my medication situation is like, and whether I feel they’re no longer effective. I told her about my old psychiatrist in Kzoo, how much I trust her, and am keeping her. But then I moved into how their voicemail system never works when you need med refills, how she’s old-fashioned, how she’s always disappointed when I’m not doing well and happy for me when I am. Cheryl grew very concerned and emphasized emphasized emphasized advice to seek psychiatry via UHS. She also mentioned I ranked my current conditions higher in severity this time than last time. I hadn’t realized. I also told her how I have appointments with Christine and Amy this week and next week. She highly advocated for that. She helped me establish steps and not even a “sense of direction,” but REAL direction. Not only external direction, but internal crisis. Cheryl helped me identify a pattern in my thinking I was aware of, but using different words and analogies than most counselors thus far. I really liked the way she provided information. She said she notices I have a very “Should/Should Not” perspective in my decisions and life view. She said, “Why not both?” She said to insert an “and” in between hard decisions. She said “This and This.” Present Moment AND Direction. Example: “I can get through this moment AND I can act on direction. “I can get through this moment by skipping advising because it’s what I need to do AND I can email my adviser to reschedule our appointment.” “I can ground myself in this crisis AND go to the emergency room.” “I can start and succeed in this program AND struggle.” “I can do well AND not feel well.” “I can skip the picnic AND make friends.” “I can work on old friendships AND meet new people.” “I can be myself AND have a disorder, but I’m not my disorder.” That was the next thing. I’ve heard that phrase before, “I have a disorder, but I’m not my disorder.” I’ve always wholeheartedly believed it. But I started thinking and said, “I’ve always known my depressed self. I’ve been in therapy 11 years. Depression is all I know and what I am.” She said, “Depression doesn’t define you. Your PMDD does not define you. Your anxiety does not define you. They aren’t you.” I thought for a second how much I wish those with a stigmatized uneducated understanding of mental health would learn and understand that.  Dear every person who has ever left me, I have depression, but there’s more to me than that. I have anxiety, but I’m also Katie. I have PMDD, but I do lots of activities that I think we may have in common; I think we could connect on similar world views; blah blah blah, etc. Also to the POS who recently told me she keeps a distance from people who are “amped up” and have anxiety, when I asked her whether there was potential for friendship, fuck you :) Cheryl was really amazing. We talked about my roommate situation and she told me I need to take care of me and don’t need to feel “OBLIGATED” to keep her up to date. I felt so validated and helped, that I no longer felt hollow and scared. I felt tired still, so I asked her to direct me to the Wellness Zone where I sat in a massage chair for over an hour next to a person who came in to take a nap :) What ultimately got me out of the massage chair was realizing how starving I was and a really sweet looking person coming in wanting a chair. I told her I was all done and to enjoy, went to the bathroom, and left the Union and started walking toward the South U restaurants. First I stopped by the SSW to pick up our gift. It was a U of M SSW backpack and some bumper stickers. Cool. Basically I didn’t need to buy the fucking $50 Target backpack. The woman who directed me to the Student Services office to get the gift asked if I was new to A2 and I said yes. She said, “Have you figured out where to buy toilet paper yet?” I wanted to get out of this conversation. “Yes HAHAHA” I said, fake laughing. She said “Because that’s the first step. Toilet paper is important.” I just wanted to say, “My survival is more important and you don’t need toilet paper to survive, but whatever you say, happy administrator. Side Note: I’m sitting in Espresso Royale and that one song by that one band is playing. Ummmm... Guster? Satellite? Something like that. Maybe. But maybe not. It was when that song came out and on the same CD. I just wanted to say that when you’re really scared in a new place and feeling in the dark with depression and stuff, sensory stimulation is so important. So when you hear a song from where you’ve come from, it makes you remember you’re ok and still you. Some things are different, but you’re still you. So on my way out from the Student Services office in the SSW, I sorta lingered for a few in the ground floor lobby. I looked at flyers and stared down the windows into the lower level (library?) I noticed a girl who looked very nice. Do you ever just see people and you can tell almost right away that they could easily have a spot in your life? She looked up from her computer and smiled when I first walked in. I smiled back. On my way out, we looked at each other again and said, “Hi.” I walked out of the SSW and into the hole in the wall shit show pizza shack (South U Pizza). Ordered my disgusting calzone and sat by myself just a few minutes. Noticed the girl walking towards the pizza place and looking at the menu on the window before deciding to come in. She walked in and ordered her slices of pizza and then was on her way to find a place to sit. I was looking at her in hopes of catching her attention. “Hey,” I said. “Weren’t you just in the SSW?” She said yeah and got a big smile and I asked if she wanted to sit with me. She said sure! We started talking and nothing was awkward. That’s another tell tale sign. We jumped right in from introductions to tracks of study to where we’re from to career goals to interests. It flowed really really well and there was a lot of relatability and laughing. We sat there about 2 hours and talked and talked until eventually she said, “Wanna be friends?” I was so happy, I can’t even begin to describe the feeling of elatedness that overcame me. I don’t believe in god and rarely the phrase, “Everything happens for a reason,” but there was definitely something there. Sometimes I really believe my grandma drops gifts for me and hears and listens and watches. I think she can sorta read my mind and knows my curiosities and drops gifts that allow them to come true. The very first thing we both said after exchanging names at the beginning was how we both saw each other and smiled and said hi and had a mutual mental thought, “I should introduce myself or say something,” but neither of us did. And then about 5 minutes later, she popped into that pizza place. We ended up exchanging numbers and adding each other on FB. She said I was the 2nd person she met and added on FB and then it was so weird! The 1st person she met yesterday and added on FB came walking into the pizza place LOL. The last maybe 45 minutes or so of our conversation was talking about past jobs and my SEED course and aversion to ABA. She was unfamiliar with ABA and told me she was actively following everything I was saying and that I should pursue this passion. I was talking about my SEED course: Integrative Health- A Whole Person Approach. She advocated for my ideas to voice my thoughts to my professor, get involved in the IH movement within the SSW, accept her offer as a recruitee, and create my own SSW student organization. She told me I should consider dedicating an aspect of my career to the up and coming power movement toward IH and away from ABA for developmental disabilities. We talked and talked. She seemed powerfully moved and very excited for me. She made me think about things I never had, such as my own power and ability to potentially make this happen and bring new knowledge to the realm of ABA/autism treatment research. We talked a lot about my conflict of not understanding why I’m in the minority given general core values from an outside perspective, whether naïve to the field or not having not done it, those core values not aligning with what ABA is ABOUT and centered around, means something. The adults coming forward. She also told me she recognized me from my post on the Team 97 FB group about the 62 bus that got 78 likes LOL This girl is really cool and I am so grateful to have met her. We plan on getting together another time soon. Her name is Savannah by the way :) We walked out of the pizza place and to the espresso shop where she asked if I’m a hugger. We hugged. She had referenced her fiancé and being LGBTQ a couple times and at the end I said, “Hey I want to ask you. You mentioned knowing a bit about the LGBT/Queer Community here; I’m recently out and need some support. Could we talk about that sometime?” She said, “I’m so happy you mentioned that. Yes of course! I’d be happy to talk with you more about that.” “Thank you. I’m struggling with it.” She seemed really happy, almost proud of me. I can’t wait to hang out with this new friend again soon! :) Time to write my SEED paper now. Hoping to finish before the last 10pm bus. 6:09 PM.