#black and white thinking

[pwincesa0]

"NO ONE EVER CHANGES"

PLEASE NOTE!!: There will ALWAYS be someone who disagrees with you about something, and/or doesn't like you. So unless if you have either some constructive criticism, or you're going to express how you agree. Don't bother being annoying and commenting something hateful, it makes you look dumb in the end. Not me. I feel like to me personally, David has very black and white thinking. Why do I think that? Take a look at what he says right here:

"Will stay that way until they die" & "It only means you were a better person to begin with" Which is not true at all. But before we really get into it. Let me explain what black and white thinking is, as well as what grey thinking is. SKIP THIS PART IF YOU WANT! According to google: “Black-and-white thinking is a thought process in which people think in absolutes: good or bad". While with grey thinking, its when a person can see outside that to explore more possibilities. Its not all one thing or another. Back to David, this seems to heavily apply to him. Now why is this not true? Lets analyze both sentences one at a time. ⭐ "People who are born lazy, useless, and stupid will stay that way until they die." Lets say if someone grew up in an environment where they were constantly depressed, unable to do anything right, and stupid. Then this person meets the love of their life, their lover motivates this person into doing better in life and eventually does. Do they still end up dying the way they started? No! Because that sentence usually won't apply to people. Majority of the time, all the person needs is some motivation in order to not be "lazy, useless," or "stupid". And to be honest, is anything really born these things? That doesn't even seem possible. Nobody is born lazy, useless, or stupid. It develops over time. ⭐ "If you were able to 'improve' yourself into a better person, then it only means you were a better person to begin with." Again, also wrong. Something that confuses me is when he puts the word improve in quotations as if its impossible to happen. As if its impossible to improve as a person. Realistically, anybody can improve something about themselves. And if you say otherwise then you're a liar. But its all about whether or not the person wants to change. So it can happen, its just up to the person if they will change or not. So him putting the word improve in quotations was useless. And now with my biggest problem. "It only means you were a better person to begin with." Which again, is also wrong. There are people out there that use to genuinely be a horrible person but for whatever reason, changed for the better. That doesn't mean they were a good person all along, that's them becoming a better person. If someone improves something, then that means there was fixing needed to be making. If that person was "already a better person" then that's not an improvement because nothing was changed. Its like almost 12 and I'm tired so lmk what you think about this I guess

[yandereposting]

When we were talking, my life felt like it had meaning.

Now that you’re gone, it feels like I was never alive to begin with.

[sunnywalnut]

I fully believe that the only thing that stopped me from identifying as trans when I was younger was the fact of my autistic black and white thinking.

Well yeah. That guy is trans. And I think he's super cool. But I couldn't be trans despite the fact that I feel more like myself with him because he embodies everything I wish I could be but stop myself from being.

Oh no I absolutely could not be transgender at all! I didn't know I was a dude since I was three like all these other people who were taught the concept of gender and the fact that gay people exist from a young age and I only learned lesbians existed after I was ten years old.

Of course that person is transgender. The whole reason I changed the name on the sticky note set on their desk was because they're my friend and I'm an ally. Totally not because I want somebody to do the same for me.

Nah bro. I don't think my obsession with gender neutral names and wanting to change my name to Alex because it was the only gn name I knew at the time had any transgender reasons for it. I'm just super attached to the idea of accidentally being mistaken for a boy. Even if it's just by name.

The reason I specifically searched for books with male protagonists my age when I was younger was totally because of super straight reasons and not because I identified with them more than any of the female leads, despite being extremely similar to a lot of them.

Oh totally I'm not jealous of my brother who's only one year older than me, therefore I get to see him embody all these manly traits like getting a cool low voice and be taught things that I wish I could learn but I wasn't explicitly invited so I stay where I was.

What do you mean it's not normal to treasure the blue Finding Nemo basketball cap that I sneered at on Christmas Day for "looking too boyish" and wearing it inside the house while I crawled up on my grandfather's lap so he could read to me.

Of course my best friend of over seven years is my sister! Despite the fact that I feel completely uncomfortable when she claims that I am hers. Not because we're not family. Because something is wrong with the word "sister" and I can't tell what.

I mean shit. The only reason I realized that I could've been queer was bc somebody told me that if I(a "straight girl") liked a trans guy, then I would be pansexual.

Untrue, obviously, since trans guys are still guys, and my little 13yo brain thought the same way, but the fact that somebody said it so casually just opened the floodgates of "what ifs" for me.

And you know what?

The year after that, I came out publicly as bi. Then ace. Then two years after that gender fluid. Then in the same year, transmasc. Then lesbian a couple months later. Then transmasc but not lesbian after a couple weeks because my partner was also genderfluid. And now? Transmasc/trans man and bi, specifically for the girls and gnc folks.

Had that person not told me I was pansexual, I'm pretty sure I would've just gone around being indifferent to my romantic partners thinking that friendship was the romance all along this entire time.

Six entire years. And I was autistic the whole time.

It was always about being a good person for the "other" people who needed me until I realized I could be the other people as well.

The whole reason I didn't "show signs" of being transgender during my childhood?

Same reason I didn't show signs of being autistic.

I was mirroring people. I was mirroring what I thought was needed of me. Ignoring my interests or things I was curious about. Because I knew what was expected of me. That part of it was explained thoroughly, at the very least. The gender part of it all. And by God, I was going to do a good job at it.

And yeah. I was happy when I found dresses that were pretty.

Not because I was the one wearing them.

But because it meant that my mom thought I was doing such a good job at Gender that I deserved a skirt. In order to show it off to everyone.

Same reason I allowed my hair to be done. Little jewels to be twisted into my long locks that I grew myself and refused to cut. Because this was what I was good at. Everyone, even if they didn't like me, they liked my long, feminine hair. They liked my frilly, feminine dresses. And my shiny, feminine jewelry.

And well... I liked being liked. I liked being admired.

Because nobody noticed me any other way.

Unless it was for my art.

I was good at art.

I'm still good at art.

My "feminine" art.

I no longer get joy from long hair and frilly dresses and shiny jewelry.

But I still get joy from art.

Even if it isn't feminine.

Even if it isn't shown to anyone.

Because it is mine.

It is me.

It is the one thing that I grew up seeing that everyone could do. Regardless of skill. Everyone was thrown in a class together. Everyone crowded around the girl who drew anime in class. Everyone knew of the famous men like Van Gogh. Everyone was able to do art. Everyone was able to be creative. To get messy. To work with their hands.

And everyone meant that there was space for me, too.

There were finally shades of gray.

And I clutch them dearly to my heart, right next to the rainbows of devotion I painted on the inside walls of my ribcage.

Each palette I've created is a labor of love, used to picture the world in each wonderful shade of admiration.

And that is still the one thing that I have found that try as they might, they cannot sort into sexes.

So I keep my shades of gray. I keep my rainbows and my flags. And I paint them with all the colors I like. Because art showed me a way to be free. And I refuse to live my life in a cage. Regardless of who's hands made it.

I just know that it won't be mine.

[that-vexaholic-cryptid]

It is so wild to me how neurodivergent people get hit with the "black and white thinking" trait so often when literally the vast majority of America is incapable of any thoughts more complex than RED VERSUS BLUE CAPITALISM 4EVR and BROWN PPL BAD

[itspixthecrazybitch]

I hate that when I’m splitting the way my mind deals with the fact that I felt okay earlier is literally to go “that wasn’t me” and/or “that wasn’t real” and rationally I know that’s not true but god it’s so disorienting. Like. As soon as I stop feeling something my mind rushes to convince itself that it never happened.

[craycraybluejay]

ik people like to act like sex and imbalanced sexual dynamics are uniquely traumatizing (moreso than any other kind of power imbalance, abuse of power, or just flat out abuse period) but from personal experience not really. there's nothing inherent to sex and sexuality that makes it traumatizing. there's nothing inherent to sexual trauma that makes it more traumatic than any other trauma.

and chiefly trauma is never really about the intentions of any party who made or let it happen. someone who wants, intends, and tries to hurt you might bounce off you just like that; because they simply failed to psychologically damage you, because what they did didn't bother you a lot whether it be mental physical or sexual. conversely someone who does not want, intend, or try to hurt you may scar you for life with something either they don't understand is harmful or isn't even inherently harmful and is uniquely that way to you.

i just. i'm annoyed at the narrative of trauma being taken away from the survivor themself. if i say this was traumatizing and you think it's not a big deal, too fucking bad, listen to me. if i say that wasn't traumatizing at all and you think it's the worst thing in the world upon hearing what it is, too fucking bad, you don't get to tell me what my trauma is. i'm sick of seeing people put words in each others mouths and tell someone's story for them without that person's consent. idk like? it makes me so angry that whenever i used to talk about things people would blatantly disregard the most horrific times of my life and instead focus on stuff i was neutral or even positive toward as a big terrible thing that ruined me.

nowadays i'm very grateful to have people who are chill and don't jump to conclusions no one asked them to. people who listen when i tell them "i know this sounds bad but it wasn't actually" or "i know this sounds stupid but this was world shattering." people who i get to laugh with. the RIGHT people who extend me the same kindness of knowing their strange "good bad things" and "bad fine things."

life just isn't as simple as "this is always terrible for people" and "this is always fine for people." PEOPLE aren't a monolith. yes, even that thing that you think must be the worst thing possible. yes, even that thing that you think no one could possibly be hurt by. it's hard to involve myself in serious discussions about abuse because there is a very clear Narrative people want to follow and if you as a "victim" don't follow it then either it didn't happen or you're wrong about your own experience.

hopefully I can consult my therapist about this phenomenon in discussions of abuse and trauma. and also about the specific thing that made me think of this. it irritates me quite a lot when others pity me for something that i knowingly chose-- and in retrospect never hurt me either. like what are you fishing for. why are you looking at me like that. i'm fine, maybe you're the one that needs counseling if my talking about this creates such a visceral reaction in you.

[bunnieborderline]

[torturedpoetemotions]

This article has been out for over a year, but I just heard of it via a youtube video by Princess Weekes (who I highly recommend you check out if you enjoy media analysis from someone who is clearly well-versed in fandom without feeling the need to establish themselves as some condescending authority studying us like creatures in a zoo, unlike some youtubers who post about fandom).

If you've been on tumblr for as long as I have (10+ years), you probably vividly remember the heyday of yourfaveisproblematic, and how that blog's popularity feels even today like one of the major catalysts for a lot of the purity policing on tumblr. In this article, the author of that blog--who was a teenager when it was active--talks about what motivated them at the time, how they feel about the blog now as an adult, how they see similar impulses being acted out across the internet today, and why they have never taken the blog down.

I highly recommend reading the whole thing, but here are a few key lines that really stuck out to me:

"In the years since, I’ve looked back on my blog with shame and regret — about my pettiness, my motivating rage, my hard-and-fast assumptions that people were either good or bad."

"I just wanted to see someone face consequences; no one who’d hurt me ever had."

"There’s something almost quaint about it all now: teenage me, teaching myself about social justice on Tumblr while also posturing as an authority on that very subject, thinking I was making a difference while engaging in a bit of schadenfreude."

"Looking back, I was more of a cop than a social justice warrior, as people on Tumblr had come to think of me."

These quotes remind me vividly of my own fall down the purity police pipeline, and my struggle to claw my way back out. Looking back, it's so easy to see how my pain and helplessness fueled a ruthlessness in my approach to social justice that was less about actually helping anyone and more about feeling like I wasn't so powerless.

Thinking of the friends I had at the time, many of whom I no longer associate with for related reasons, we were all traumatized or marginalized teenagers and twenty-somethings, newly awakened to the idea that the treatment we'd suffered for most of our lives was not in fact our fault and was due to systemic injustice and culturally accepted cruelty.

But we weren't healed enough, or distanced enough ourselves from the power structures causing or enabling that suffering, to think beyond wanting to flip the hierarchy. In a very real way, we weren't ready for the nuance required to give people grace and the opportunity to learn and grow. Despite having needed, and frankly still needing, those things ourselves.

I think we can learn a lot from Your Fave Is Problematic about the motivations and emotions behind purity culture, black and white thinking, and why neither is actually productive in reducing harm, easing suffering, or creating a kinder and more equitable world. And maybe, if we learn to recognize those impulses in ourselves, we can unpack them before they lead us to cause harm in the name of making ourselves feel less powerless.

[flittermousemoth]

*Minor Inconvenience*

Me: That's what I get for existing 😒

[ladyarthem]

Nobody else struggles with starting new projects but never finishing them (ADHD) or wants to fix someone else's work because it feels like they are not doing right (autism).

Just me then. Nice.

[oodlesofoddnoodles]

whenever somebody asks me how i knew i was autistic, i remember this one moment when I was like 8-9 and this song was playing on the radio. it was called like 100 bad days or something, and if you havent heard the song its essentially about making the best of life, but at the time, the song confused the hell out of me because the chorus was like saying how a bad day is a good story to tell and it will make you popular, and so, little like 9 year old me went on this long ass rant abt how it made no sense because if you had 100 bad days you’d just be really upset and probably wouldn’t even want to go to a party, like my mind hearing 100 bad days just imagined like day after day of immense tragedy, and for what? to be popular???

and for literal YEARS i hated that song with a passion because i thought it was so dumb and if you had one hundred consecutive bad days you were just a dumbass. and then, it hit me one day.

and yeah thats how i came to the conclusion that hey, maybe my brain is a lil different from the average humans and tadaaaaa

[the-entity-down-the-street]

You know, I haven't been sure what to say on the horrors in Palestine other than "genocide is bad," but I'm starting to consider how we view the conflict in Palestine/Isreal through the lens of media literacy. I've seen a lot of posts about the tendency towards black and white thinking on this site (and social media in general), and while a lot of it is about TV shows and movies, it bleeds into real-world topics.

Antisemitism is on the rise because of what's happening in Palestine. My oldest friend was told not to wear his Star of David due to fear that they'll face violence. I saw a blog use the K-slur with the Palestinian murders as justification.

Meanwhile, you have others who shove all Palastinians into a box with Hamas. One of my friends on FB was arguing with an idiot who justified the genocide by saying it was to free Palestine from the terrorists.

There's propaganda and misinformation on both sides, nobody seems willing to hold multiple ideas in their head at once, and this makes it all too easy for marginalized groups to be targeted.

This is why recognizing nuance, seeing the multiple facets of an issue, and having critical thinking about what you see is so fucking important. We're way more vulnerable to propaganda without it, and that is dangerous.

[allisonzoeann-]

[aborderlineblog]

Identifying the difference between my thoughts and my borderline’s thoughts helps to keep me grounded in what’s important to me. My borderline often thinks in extremes, looking through a lens of all good or all bad. When I notice this happening, I tell myself I need to wait for the thoughts to pass before making any decisions.

[soulinkpoetry]

You’re all bad , twisted minded, ignorant, illiterate , while they’re angels. I would call that black and white thinking.

.

.

# thoughts over coffee

[borderlinereminders]

hi again op, do you have any advice for seeing the grey areas when you split? im having trouble viewing this person as All Good or All Bad

Hi anon,

For me, challenging my black and white thinking took a long time.

One of the first things I recommend is reframing the situation. When you notice you're seeing something in black and white, or splitting, ask yourself, is there an alternative view point here?

One example is that I get a lot of hate on my blog, and years ago, I'd have been so angry and thought they were all bad people but I've asked myself, is there an alternative view point here? And the conclusion I've come to is that people often lash out in pain. And while my feelings are valid, because they shouldn't be attacking me even in pain, it does help me find a perspective where I don't see them as "bad people." I see them as "hurt people doing something bad because they're hurt". It allows me to find other emotions besides being frustrated (which is totally valid by the way), but also I feel some compassion for them as well.

Try to separate the things someone does from who they are. It's not always this simple. but my partner sometimes has bad days and he has snapped at me. These days don't define him. I would say that he is simply a person, trying his best to get by and sometimes he isn't perfect, and that's okay. When he messes up, I keep reminders of all the things he's done to show me he loves me. (Please note that this does not apply to someone who is abusive. Please don't rationalize abuse by focusing on the good. That is a completely different scenario.) To me, these things all exist together and he is an imperfect person who I love and I am an imperfect person who he loves. Life feels so much better to me when I remind myself that a lot of the time, people aren't trying to hurt me. They are just people trying to get by. Sometimes I get hurt as a result, and I'm allowed my feelings about that.

One way I did this was to apply my thinking to something I didn't see as black and white, which for me, was dogs. My dogs aren't perfect. They've been trained but they mess up. And I've never once thought my dog was a "bad dog" because they did something less than perfect, maybe even done something that could be defined as "bad." My dogs have even been cranky and in pain. My one dog snapped at someone because she was afraid of her nails being trimmed. They had to muzzle her to proceed (long story, but her nail trims are now handled totally differently and she's okay if anyone was wondering) I didn't think she was "bad" because she lashed out in fear. If I can see my dogs in shades of grey, as in they are just animals trying to survive and wanting to be loved and all that stuff, then surely I could apply these to people. So I used that logic and started to.

Anytime I catch myself thinking in a black and white way, I start asking myself questions and trying to "put myself in the other's shoes." While I know that we often can split on ourselves as well, I remind myself that I snap at people too. People snap at me. Everyone snaps at some point. Does this mean they are bad? Or does it mean it's just something that humans may do when they're emotionally overwhelmed, and stressed? (This is not to say people shouldn't work on coping to limit how often they do this, just that it is... something that can happen. ) I find that it helps if I surround myself with people who take accountability when they mess up though. My partner apologizing to me for messing up helps a lot because I can understand that he didn't mean to snap. He didn't even intend for it to come out the way it did. But he recognizes my hurt feelings and validates them. If he didn't accept that he'd messed up, I don't think I could be in a relationship with him because I need him to hold himself accountable, just like I hold myself accountable when I mess up.

Another thing that can help is taking the situation to another person. Maybe they can help you find alternatives that you can't see. I still do this sometimes. Even when I know I shouldn't see something as black and white, sometimes I can't see any alternatives. So I bring it to a friend and ask for their help in finding middle areas.

Shift the "black and white words" to "grey words" when thinking about situations.

This might include things like "never" or always" to "sometimes". (Example: "They always do ___ and make me feel ___." Switching the "always" to "sometimes" can help us find a different perspective.)

This might also mean shifting the phrasing to expressing your thoughts and feelings. So instead of "This is a failure." Say instead, "I'm feeling like this is a failure." This helps you acknowledge what is real in this situation, and that is your feelings. Your feelings are valid. And your feelings are real. It means that just because you feel like something is true doesn't mean it is true.

Some skills that may help

Mindfulness skills might help you tune into your feelings and thoughts. Here are some mindfulness ideas.

Non-Judgmentally is a DBT skill that focuses on encountering a situation in a way that is non-judgmentally. Here is a link to a blog post on it.

Another example

Your friend cancels plans at the last minute. It would be really easy to go to "they clearly don't care about me." Which is an example of black and white thinking. What are some alternatives you could look at?

"They weren't feeling well."

"Their energy levels aren't doing great."

"They had something come up unexpectedly."

And while your feelings about the cancellation are valid, it can help us to try and look at alternative reasons because we tend to go to "worst case scenario." It can help to look at other scenarios and try and put ourselves in their shoes.