#but at the same time I understand people's discomfort. I both can't blame people for leaving and wish they wouldn't.

[peninkwrites]

.

[power-chords]

I love my little brother so much and I would literally die for him but he was being such a brat this weekend. I'm grateful we have the kind of relationship where I can tell him he's being a brat and 24-48 hours later he will calm down and text or call me to be like, "Sorry for being a brat!" But he's the type of kid — yes I know he's 28 but he's my kid brother — where if one thing is going wrong in his life, everything is going wrong, and he sublimates guilt and anxiety into anger and cannot control the blast radius of his anger (wonder where he got THAT from lmao).

He is having a crisis because he just started a new job and doesn't feel emotionally prepared for an upcoming visit from our parents, and he wants to call it off and/or curtail it significantly — ENTIRELY reasonable in and of itself. But instead of just doing that, he's lashing out at them because he feels guilty about possibly disappointing them, and because instead of reading his mind they are experiencing the normal parental urge of wanting to see their kid, and now he has to set his own boundaries and be responsible for his own discomfort about doing that. So I spent an hour on the phone explaining to him why that part is a You Problem, Actually, and he needs to knock it off. It would be one thing if our parents were being hostile about it but they are both being incredibly sane and gracious. Like, "Oh, we get it, obviously we're bummed out if we don't get to see you, but we understand and we'll figure something else out for when shit calms down."

I'm trying to be sympathetic because I get stuck in my own head, too, and he's under a lot of circumstantial job stress and mental health stress. And it's important for me to remember that he has not repaired his relationship with our father the way that I have, so the prospect of dealing with any moods should they arise is A Lot. It is A Lot for him in a way that I am pretty sanguine about now, and while it's not quite water off a duck's back I am very good at removing myself from and/or deescalating the situation if it reaches a point I can't deal with. Matthew still feels terribly raw and resentful about having a Mad Dad and remains in a constant state of high alert over it. I can't say I blame him, because growing up with our father was a kind of Ashkenazi Jekyll/Hyde situation where 85% of the time you got the most generous, principled, intelligent, protective, funny, and genuinely loving guy, and then the remaining 15% there was rage and yelling and breaking stuff. That ratio is now closer to 95%/5%, thank god, because the man has enough emotional insight to recognize a problem and do therapy. But my brother mistakenly assumes that the remaining 5% or in fact any negativity at all is something he can control, or is a response to his own personal failings, rather than Dad just being kind of insane.

Also important for me to remember that because Matthew is the Younger Son and I am the Eldest Daughter we had distinct experiences of our dad growing up. He always was and can still be an intense, intimidating guy, but I was never discouraged from expressions of emotional vulnerability around him (a good thing and a bad thing, but mostly a good thing), whereas my brother frequently got the "toughen up and be a man" treatment in addition to like, having to endure the bomb going off whenever that happened.

With that said I have literally spent hours upon hours of my life in church basements with people telling stories about their asshole parents, and like, I'm sorry, but we still won lotto!!!! And my brother will absolutely attest to that when he's not actively pissed off, he's said it time and time again the same way that I have, so it's not like I'm trying to invalidate his emotional wounds or his need to attend to them in a different way. I understand why he wants to live way out in Colorado and see our folks a few times a year. But the absolute worst that we lived with is a fucking joke compared to kids who had their parents get drunk and beat the living shit out of them, or who threw them out of the house for being gay, whose love was conditional instead of total and frankly sacrificial.

If anything, and I mean ANYTHING happened to threaten my livelihood or my brother's, if god forbid some catastrophe occurred where he or I were in need of serious financial help or a place to go, they would never ever ever turn their backs on us. Ever! Under any circumstance! Without question! The reason my husband and I are not in like $16k of medical debt after Adam's lung collapsed in 2021 is because they said "absolutely FUCK THAT" and paid the whole bill without us even asking. This is but one example of so many where they have stepped up in ways that are above and beyond the call of duty, and not just for me and my brother, but for our friends and loved ones as well. Yes, Mistakes Were Made or whatever you want to call it and people fuck up and nobody's parents are perfect, but we are and always have been utterly adored by both of them and the good outweighs the bad by a mile. Miles upon miles upon miles.

[seeingteacupsindragons]

I've been thinking about your wonder ful metas about Yuumori and atonement from a while back, and I was wandering about your thoughts on how forgiveness as an obligation/foregone conclusion is handled in fiction. Specifically when it comes to the concept of not needing to forgive people, because I feel like a lot of the time even when a character chooses not to forgive immediately, there's an expectation that they'll do so eventually, even though it should be a personal choice?

I think a lot of that comes down to the way American culture...and maybe Christian culture more generally, but definitely American culture...thinks of forgiveness, atonement, obligations, and personal choice.

Which is to say: atonement doesn't really happen (either it's not that bad, or it can never be moved past, apparently), forgiveness is enforced along hierarchical lines, and obligations and personal choices are generally brow-beaten into whatever causes the fewest people to deal with uncomfortable situations.

I think fiction gets to break out of this more often than news stories and reality does. But I still think America has a way of thinking that "forgiveness" is the same thing as "healing" when in reality they're two entirely different concepts that may or may not be tangentially related.

For example: Someone may recognize and choose to no longer blame someone for an action they committed or hold any resentment for them for doing so, but still be deeply wounded by the action. If this is in fiction, say, a person was tortured, doesn't blame the torturer for it because they know they were also in a place of no good options and never wanted to do it (but did anyway, obviously), but still have PTSD and night terrors from being tortured. They have forgiven, but not healed.

For a second example: Someone may be able to create strong, happy, healthy relationships and have a good, genuinely happy life, and have absolutely no interest in accepting that their mother abused them for any valid reason and even if those valid reasons exist, no interest in accepting or recognizing the choice their mother made to abuse them, and are still angry it happened to them.. They have healed, but not forgiven.

Fiction tends to portray people as having had to let go of the resentment, anger, and find what happened to them "acceptable" in some way to be healed. Anger can be a very hurtful emotion to carry with you constantly and let define yourself, so drowning in anger about something is definitely not a sign of healing. But keeping anger alongside other emotions is still healing.

So when someone chooses not to forgive, it's generally portrayed as a character choosing to hold onto hurt, pain, resentment, and a psychic wound. To be unhappy (because anger and unhappiness are synonymous). It's very common, so it's parroted a lot and gets mimicked a lot, but I also think this is part of the culture.

And, because Americans especially, but people in general, have a great deal of discomfort with feeling guilty for something (but not necessarily being guilty), they want the other person to say that what they did is A-Okay, understandable, and that any anger about it is gone. Because then they don't have to feel bad because none of it is targeted at them anymore.

So I think forgiveness is just a very easy out to feel absolved for having done something. It feels like something important to seek because to many people it indicates the hurt is undone and healed and both the victim and the perpetrator can move on.

And sometimes that's true. If you step on my foot on accident, apologizing will do most of the healing and forgiving because it's a minor hurt that wasn't caused by a significant wrong on your part. But so, so, so often it's not like that.

And when it comes to a thing like William's situation, where he can't actually seek forgiveness from his victims, 'cause they're dead, or from their families who don't want to forgive him, forgiveness cannot be his goal. Holding out for forgiveness from his victims, something he'll never attain, he will forever be suffering and struggling to find an meaning or purpose and accomplish nothing, and he would cause more harm to his victims by constantly reopening wounds by his reminder and insistence on controlling their own narrative after he has already taken so much from them.

And so, he had to step away from them and focus on what he can do to heal wounds he caused in his own way, without expecting anger against him or resentment against him to vanish or acceptance of his behaviors to appear.

And it's really refreshing to see a narrative that doesn't continue to tie the victim and perpetrator together in order for either to heal--sometimes it just causes more pain for both of them.

[jtrokujo]

𝐇𝐄𝐀𝐋𝐓𝐇𝐘 𝐎𝐑 𝐓𝐎𝐗𝐈𝐂¿

paring: Mikaela Hyakuya x fem!Reader

(they’re 18+!!!)

word count: 4k

warning: this story contains sexual content

gerne: smut

summary: there are days when they get along well but there were also days when they hated each other like the plague and even though they love each other?

—

The weather is neutral, but I wish it got better.

The sun is obscured by the gray clouds, but it's not windy or anything.

You could even go out with a top.

However, y / n decided to take a seat in the four walls with a number of different books and a tall pile of books right next to them.

As she gently leafed through the pages of the somewhat older book, she felt a stab.

Of course it didn't hurt since no one was attacking her, but it felt like someone was watching her.

Without presenting her feelings, she took some books and put the rest where she got them.

Immediately after leaving the library, she stopped in the middle of the path and said with an annoyed sigh, "Bathory, I know you're here."

He stands grinning in front of y / n, but could hardly show a disappointed face.

With his head tilted to one side, he looked at his prey and smiled at her immediately. "I prefer you to call me by my first name, dear."

“I do what I want and not what you want, Bathory. Besides, I have better things to do than waste my precious time being influenced by you. "

When they told the vampire, she continued on her way, or at least intended to.

As quickly as he came, he grabbed her arm just as quickly. "But y / n, why is it in such a hurry?" asked the vampire, amused, pressing more and more on hers with every second, so slowly you could hear her bones. Y / n had to react immediately!

Without thinking for a second, she dropped all of the books on the white floor and immediately grabbed her gun. "You should let go of me!" y / n's voice rang out down the hall and immediately shot the vampire in the arm.

His blood spurted around her.

Y / n got his blood on her face as well as on her clothes - it was the same with Bathory, also the wall and especially the floor got his blood.

"Disgusting." mumbled y / n and wiped the blood on her face, although she knew herself that it would be of no use.

"What's going on here?" Everyone but not him.

"Hello Mika!" said Ferid with delight and turned to get a better look at him.

"Have you lost your nerve again?" he asked me annoyed, but he only looked at me for a few seconds and immediately saw Ferid's blood spatter.

"What do you mean 'again'?"

Even if we've known each other for a long time, we both have to admit that one and the other have diverged. Sometimes it was his fault, sometimes it was me. There were of course moments when we got along really well, but in the end they weren't enough in my opinion.

"Since you've lived with us, at least one vampire must have got something from your weapon."

Said the blond-haired vampire while his eyes stared at me.

I'm not understating when I say that his eyes alone make me feel naked.

Mika only manages to control me through his eyes, even though I should be the one who should control every vampire or the various books I spend most of my time on just one more bad joke.

It was enough for vampires to exist and more than hundreds of people took their own lives just to be able to enjoy themselves. To this day I cannot forgive any of the vampires for what they did to me or those around me. I know myself that there are bad ones, but what is their goal?

Or do you have a goal?

"Y / n." I heard his voice.

Awakened from my trance, I see his eyes again. However, they do not have this previous aura, no, they are a little stricter this time. When I gave him a sign of his attention, the lecture immediately came, "You are old enough to know how to behave and with whom to behave. If you show this behavior to someone else, I'll let that person do it . " and do what they want, because I haven't had the nerve for someone like you for a long time. So finally know your limits before I use my weapon against you! "

Impressive. From sentence to sentence his voice grew louder and louder. Seriously, I never expected or even had the idea of ​​this side of Mika in my life, but here it is. Wonderful y / n, now you have managed to sink deeply with Mika, which is actually the very last thing I ever wanted to achieve in my life, but life has never been a paradise.

With a chuckle, Bathory put his arm and my shoulders and spoke to Mika.

"But, but Mika shouldn't be so strict with her. She's just a little girl again, not even now, is she?" "If I were that little girl, you would surely have two arms instead of one." After saying my sentence, I picked up the books that were still on the floor and didn't say goodbye to anyone, why should I?

Bathory is nothing more than an idiot who uses his satisfaction to see others suffer rather than provoke them too.

While Mika nudges both children like a father, although the other is to blame for everything.

When I got to my room, I put the books on my table and sat on my bed, thinking about the old days. However, I don't think of the days with loved ones that I lost, but of those that I spent with Mika before he gave me a “better life”.

I could leave it all behind at any time and either not start an old or a new life, but I love to have him in my heart for it.

Sighing at my thoughts, I give up and stood in front of my closet for the next minute.

While the lukewarm water felt the white bathtub, my clothes landed on the floor.

This life is more of a calling expected of others than a life of its own. A break does no harm to anyone.

I said to myself and after a few seconds I closed my eyes.

After my bath or a break from the real world, I'm just choosing which book to read.

As I was about to start the new book, someone knocked on my door.

Hesitantly, I said the door was open and waited for the person behind it to appear. Please leave it all but Bathory.

Sighing, I immediately put my hand on my left breast and saw him, Mika.

To be honest, I'm happy to see him, but I'm not, but I don't need an explanation. "Good evening." he said in his usual tone. Without making a big head out of it, I repeated it myself, but added if he needed anything from me.

Shivering, I answered my question in the negative and came up to me with slow steps.

The only thing I could do was do nothing. I stopped. When our faces are a few centimeters away, his arm came slowly towards my body, until he reached for something, when he had this in his hand, he came back with a few steps and immediately held a book in my face.

"I really recommend it, I have to say, you have pretty good taste when it comes to books. I've read it several times because these stories, the writing style, the plot and most of all the characters are up to me." uniquely well written down to the smallest detail. "

I looked at the vampire in amazement. "You read that too?" "Y / n, if I hadn't read it, I wouldn't have a clue either."

A little ashamed of my oh-so-intelligent question, I also looked at the floor.

The whole time there was nothing to be heard, neither a little intoxication, nor even breathing. But after a few seconds, Mika also broke the embarrassing silence by taking a few steps and holding out his arm to me. I don't understand it about myself. When Mika is around, I either act annoyed or neutral. However, countless butterflies gather in my stomach when I think of him alone!

"Y / n ... y / n?!" Mika looked up, gave me a neutral look and at the same time held a few strands of my hair and asked me if he should tie my hair up with a towel. I gently took the wet strands of hair from his hand and began to giggle at my discomfort and nervousness. The thought of me being weird was always out of the question.

"I think I'll blow dry my hair. I'll see you at dinner or tomorrow."

"I'll see you at dinner or tomorrow." repeated Mika before she disappeared from my room.

Locked in the room and caught in his deepest thoughts, he stared over the ceiling.

The reviews of that day haunted him to this day when he also dreamed them.

Sleeping now wouldn't be for him, even though it is shortly before 2 o'clock.

But what can you do about it?

The vampire rose from the bed, stretched out, and decided to go for a walk immediately.

As he walked through the empty corridors, he always hoped not to meet anyone.

Whatever stays that way.

Bored and hands in his pockets, the floor caught his attention. It didn't take long, however, because he was amazed to get up when he saw the light coming from someone's room.

He was more than sure whose room, or rather chamber, it was.

It was Y / n's.

He stopped in front of it, thinking, held out his hand and wanted to knock on the door. At the same time he quickly put his hand in his pocket. This scenario takes about 3 minutes. But it wasn't the vampire's nervousness that was unusual, no, why should he be at y / n's door? This is funny.

Doesn't he often seem annoyed or stern in your presence?

Well, he doesn't even know what's going on in his head.

After an eternity, the vampire finally knocked on the human's door and immediately heard "Come in" from the other side.

Without telling himself twice, he opened the door and saw her. He saw her spread out on the large bed with several notes and books.

Stressed out. You can't see it from the outside, but even Mika can confess that he thinks it is strange to see y / n at this time.

"Do you need something?" she asked him and fixed him with her gaze.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping long ago?" he asked and at the same time crossed his arms over his chest.

"Mika, I could ask you that too, don't you think?" sigh y / n and slowly start piling up her notes and books together.

When Mika offered her help, she politely declined and slowly and carefully put the things on her desk.

"If you have nothing special to do, you can always keep me company, you know?"

Yes, even if there is an argument between the two, they still get along well. However, they don't seem to be as close as they used to be. Without saying anything, Mika accepted the offer and sat next to y / n.

Was that really wise?

The smell of y / n gets over his head, but he's not as easy to lose control as other vampires.

Breathing hard, Mika rubbed her eyes and hoped that this unbearable smell would go away any moment.

Easier said than done.

If only I had drunk blood in the last few days. The vampire cursed.

Y / n noticed his unusual behavior and tried to communicate with him, but to no avail. She called his name several times, tapped him on the shoulder, and shook him a little. He seems trapped in his own world. For the first time she seemed to see someone so trapped in his own world. When will he regain his senses?

Annoyed, she hit his skull with her fist, which led to a groan of pain from Mika's mouth. "What does this mean?!"

“If you are tired, please go to your room and sleep there.

Both rolled their eyes in annoyance.

"You have nothing to say to me, human."

"Oh really? What are you going to do about it, vampire?" It wasn't a mistake by y / n, but rather Mika's mistake. If he hadn't called her a human, she wouldn't have called him a vampire. Nobody except Mika knows right now how much he hates vampires and yet he is one himself, but you have to remember that he never wanted to be one. Not everyone is lucky in life.

As I said, even if it was his own fault that she reminded him, he completely lost his nerve. Slowly she approached y / n, she already felt the dark aura coming towards her. However, y / n did not want to show the fear that is in her and slowly rising above her head. She will regret it. "Repeat when you have the pity." "What is the problem? You called me human and I called you a vampire, but you know what makes me be silly, get out of here, vampire. ”Without further ulterior motives, Mika grabbed her wrist and squeezed the bones with her hand listened from print to print. When she wanted to reach for her gun, which is under her top, Mika was a second faster and threw it directly to the end of the room. When Mika immediately released his hand from Y / n's wrist, she saw an emotion in his eyes, sadness.

He was hurt, but shouldn't he care? What should a little person who plays with little guns do against a vampire, ask him about a game? However, he saw her more as a person, he saw her as someone he can love, with whom he can laugh, of course he had had these people before in his life, but they have long since disappeared. Oh how much he loves her.

If only she knew how many letters he wrote her, but never gave them to her, but hid them in his room.

"I'm really stupid." Mika muttered trembling to herself. Y / n heard it and slowly walked up to him "Mika, that was very childish of me and, to be honest, I'm sorry." When she tried to touch his shoulder, he knocked her away and looked into her eyes, it was their fault.

“I don't want your decisions! I never wanted to be a vampire! If you don't know anything about me, please be quiet and think twice before you open your door! ”The whole room went quiet, pretty quiet. It was rather uncomfortably quiet for y / n, but she preferred to keep her mouth shut because it looked like Mika was looking for the right words. "Why do I love you? Tell me Y / N, how can I love you when you hate me so much?" His voice was fragile and it was tormented to hear it that way. "Mika, I had never hated you before." Exhausted, Mika sat down on the floor and looked at the gun at the other end of the room. "Every time I see a gun like that, I hate myself even more." “Even if it sounds a bit clichéd, for example because of the current situation, I have to and want to admit that I love you Mika. You are in such pain and apparently you have torn old wounds. You didn't deserve that, nobody deserved that. ”Y / n sat like Mika on the floor and hugged him. Her warm body against his cold one. As if in slow motion, their faces stood a few inches apart until their lips met.

𝐒𝐊𝐈𝐏

With my hands on the back of his neck and my tongue seeking his, his fingertips dance from my thigh under my top.

Only he managed to make me shiver everywhere in a few seconds with the help of his touch. Not through his ice-cold skin, no, only through him. In keeping with the mood, the cold raindrops hit my window pane. "Waiting." he whispered to me.

Not a second later it was pitch black in my room. The butterflies in my stomach just like Mika don't know when to stop, but I love it, never let it stop! His lips kissed every inch of my skin and whispered to me how divine my body was. His hands slide up my top until it finally brushes over my head. The first item of clothing is already on the floor. My legs were around his waist so he could pick me up and lay me on my bed. When he did that, his lips were still on my skin.

As I lay down comfortably, I watched his clothes land piece by piece on the floor. His belly is built like that of a Greek god and although it is dark the moon shines on him. One could have immediately thought it was a godsend. The boxer shorts were the only items of clothing that remained. While I was about to take off my pants, Mika took my hands and indicated that he could do it himself. When my pants peeled off my skin, he looked at my legs in admiration and immediately threw my pants on the floor. Now stand half-naked in front of my bed. The red cheeks on his cheeks were clearly visible. "Are we really supposed to pull this off?" I asked Mika and looked him in the eye. His lips approached my ear and he breathed softly, "Y / n, the question is not, we should, but we can. A human and a vampire, is that a good chemistry?"

"Why don't we want to find out?" I whispered and kissed his shoulder in time. Now he looked at me again, but with clearly red cheeks you could have thought he had a fever, but I can't blame him, because even when his ice-cold body is on top of mine, my body manages to have a hot temperature.

As our tongues played with each other again, our hands explored each other's bodies. While one hand pinches my buttocks, the other is right on my bra clasp.

Moaning slightly, I also pinched his buttocks and felt my muscles tense. A low gasp left his delicate lips, which made me even weaker. My temperature rises more and more with each of his touches.

I can not stand it anymore!

He knows very well that he has the upper hand!

When my bra, like the rest of the clothes, landed on the floor, his ice-cold hands brushed my arms up to my hips and brushed the last piece of clothing across the floor.

I was breathing hard down in my zone.

His hands were on each thigh so I couldn't pinch my legs together. Apart from the horniness, I could hardly move my legs because of his strength, you can not say that he is so strong. The horniness in me is going like crazy! With every breath Mika takes against my area, the butterflies in my stomach fly crazier.

When his tongue brushed my cervix for less than a second, I let out a gasp. Immediately afterwards he pressed his tongue against it and danced with it at the same time. That I'm getting wetter is not only clear to me, but also to Mika, when he was his tongue in my entrance, she explored every single inch inside.

Overwhelmed by shame and lust, I pressed one hand against my mouth so as not to make a noise from you, and the other on his white-blonde hair.

Every time his tongue penetrated deeper and he spread my thighs wider and wider, it honestly hurt, but I don't care about that at the moment because as good as he makes me feel no one is going to do it and I want it too nobody does it because I just want them. Because I just want Mika.

When I thought it couldn't get better, I was wrong. When he started sucking, I was done. My lustful moans got louder every time I sucked, but I do my best that nobody but Mika can hear it. When he freed his tongue from the entrance again, he stuck his middle and ring finger in the next second and didn't give me a second to get used to it. The speed of his fingers is unique!

No matter how much I press my hand against my mouth, my moans stay louder.

Several times his name groaned, which only drove him to increase the speed. My orgasm is nourishing. When I groaned and said I was about to be there, he didn't stop but continued. His tongue dances on my cervix and his fingers successfully hit the G-spot every time, it's just breathtaking!

When my orgasm came, I screamed his name with relish and breathed heavily as I stared at the ceiling.

His beautiful face approached mine, but he devoted his lips to my ears and whispered, "A second round won't hurt you." Aren't my trembling legs enough for him? In the middle of the kiss, I slowly felt his member inside me, but my nails clawed behind his back in pain, we continued the kiss. Now it was Mika who groaned in the middle of the kiss. He closed his eyes and kissed my chest as his hips began to dance. Is it still normal for him to make me feel this way? Because on the one hand I can no longer, on the other hand I want more! Mika's one hand is on my thigh while the other is on my chest. The way he plays sensitive nipples is superb.

I don't know how he makes me feel so good, but I want him to never stop. "Mika, don't stop." I moaned in his ear and wrapped my legs around his waist. When he saw me, I didn't know how to feel. Because his eyes are blood red! He slowly approached my neck. That cold breath worried me even more. He didn't bite me, however, but instead scratched his designated spot with his fangs as the blood flowed from the wound, so it propelled him and made him much faster than before. The clap of our skin was just as loud as the satisfying moans from our mouths. "Y / n." he groaned my name and immediately turned me around. Now my back was visible to him. With both hands on our hips, our bodies clapped together. When I moaned his name one last time, the orgasm came, Mika pulled his member out of me and rubbed it with his hand until finally the white sperm speared out of his body.

𝐒𝐊𝐈𝐏

After Mika helped me cleanse my body, we are back in bed naked. "Do you think we can do it?" Mika asked out of nowhere. “I don't think so, I know, Mika. And I think you should too. "The vampire looked at me lovingly and finally kissed me on the lips and immediately afterwards whispered" Good night, y / n. " "Good night, Mika."

[lelenoir]

pairing: lee jeno x reader [ft. mark]

summary: and he was the moon, chasing after his sun. hoping for their stars to align once more.

word count: 1.2k

note: based on a poem i made back when i was an "edgy" fourteen year old so yea,,, no guarantee if this is going to be good. thank u to my buddy @jenoir for just being literally the best person to ever exist, i love u bub 💞

can't we just stay here.

You fixed your eyes towards the stars, sighing to yourself at the quiet bliss that enveloped you. The crickets sang you their own rhythmic sounds, the trees whistled with every tousle of the wind and the skies glowed above you; laying witness to the two figures below. You shifted your attention towards Jeno, his gaze trained up the sky just like you were moments ago. The glow in his eyes reflected the freckled horizons. You always marveled at how they seemed to hold the stars, even in the day. You always found yourself lost in them, wondering how you got lucky to be graced with such presence. He was like the big bright moon, giving light to even the dullest of rooms.

here in this moment.

Not a second passed when Jeno didn't feel like his whole body was on fire whenever he was with you. He could feel your gaze trained on him, and that simple action only fueled the heat. For some reason, he only felt this nervous around you. You could do the most mundane things yet Jeno would still look at you like you created the heavens. Your nimble fingers fidgeting amongst themselves but in his mind you were weaving up his threads. His heart rested on the palms of your hands, shaping him, morphing him to be the best person he could be. Someone deserving of you. You were the sun, a radiant morning to his new beginning.

this moment where you're there,

Being so close to him felt like a sin. You felt unworthy to even get a glance of him. You tore your eyes away, putting your hands to your side to make yourself stop toying with them. Sighing softly, you didn't want him to hear, you let your mind wander away.

sitting next to me;

The world felt hot to Jeno during that chilly night. It wasn't new. You've sat this close to him before. Yet something about the way the moon shone on your skin seemed to make the moment intensify. You were beautiful. So beautiful in a way that his breath got caught in his throat, his heart beating a thousand miles an hour, and his senses are zeroing in on your figure.

He couldn't let you slip away.

hands barely touching,

It felt like electricity. A current barely resembling a spark. If only you inched a bit closer maybe you would've known that he felt it too.

shoulders grazing one another,

The warmth shying its way to your heart. You could feel it grow louder, screaming its existence to the void. You forced yourself to silence it, laying down so he wouldn't hear its voice.

and the tips of our toes;

Jeno watched you lie down, your hands coming to rest below your head. For the first time that night, he felt the cold. The shiver that ran up his spine felt too much for him to not notice. A sudden discomfort by the lack of your presence.

the only thing connecting us.

He shifted in his seat, following suit on the ground. He moved his legs apart to make himself feel comfortable, his socked feet coming into contact with yours. He sucked in a breath, his hands coming to rest on his stomach as he tried to focus on the stars.

us, as we lay beneath the stars

The constellations swirled around your vision. The glimmer of Perseus and Andromeda coming into view. 

half hoping, half wondering

Your eyes return to Jeno. A hint of longing and wistfulness coming with it. You wanted to intertwine your fingers together, feel his palms against your own and get to know that spark everyone seemed to talk about.

what would happen

Everyone pretty much assumed that you and Jeno were dating. If not then why would he keep you so close? Why would you tell him the things you'd never tell anyone? What were the reasons behind the adoration engraved in your features whenever you looked at one another? It was silly but you could understand where they were going. And honestly, you didn't know the answer.

if we crossed that boundary,

He wasn't going to lie, he knew about the rumours. Something about being associated with you in such a romantic sense made him feel fuzzy. The good kind of fuzzy. It made him feel special. He delved in the feeling of being the only one considered this close to you that had people questioning if there was something more. Because he wanted it to be more.

leapt off the ridge,

Courage. Everyone wondered how you've gotten Gryffindor when you took that Hogwarts Quiz. Same goes for Jeno. You couldn't really blame them. If you were given the choice to either go to the cheap haunted house attraction in the amusement park or drink a whole shot of hot sauce, you wouldn't think twice about drinking that hot sauce. And you're willing to bet that the boy next to you would do the same. But now you were desperate to gather up as much bravery as you needed. Your imaginary hands fumbling for that small piece of Gryffindor that test saw in you.

and let ourselves fall to the abyss.

"I need to tell you something."

The both of you say at the same time. You felt the rush slowly leave your body as the both of you looked at each other. A small pause.

"G-go ahead." You told him. You hung on his actions, steadying yourself with each breath he took as you anticipated the next words that came out of his mouth. Please.

instead we let the moment pass

"Uhm… the stars look lovely tonight." He said, now avoiding your gaze. You didn't want your disappointment to show. At the same time, Jeno didn't want you to see his internal battle. He hated what he said. The three magic words lay hanging on the tip of his tongue yet he swallowed them back. The spur of adrenaline leaving your slumped bodies as you finally looked away.

"Yeah…" you sighed.

wishing for it to come back

He could already feel the weight of the air grow heavy on his chest. He blew it. He knew he did. He cursed himself for it. Sadly, he couldn't turn back time.

but it never will.

The sound of tires slowly crushing the dirt disrupted the quiet ambiance. Both you and Jeno sat up, your attention grabbed by the red newly parked mustang a few meters away. Mark waved his hand to you, a gesture you gladly returned. You turned your head back to your friend.

"Mark's here." You declare. Jeno nodded his head, pushing his body off the ground. He held out his hand to you, which you engulfed with yours. The moment your skin touches his, an unfamiliar surge flew across your bodies. You took your hand away as soon as you stood.

Meanwhile, he stayed still, eyeing his outstretched hand before closing it and placing it back to his side. "Have fun." He said, letting you go. You waved goodbye to him, lifting the same hand he felt electricity to a few seconds ago. It felt lifetimes ago, especially now as he watched you enter Mark's car inevitably going to your date. The first of many that would soon lead to your wedding.

Jeno was the moon, chasing towards the sun he once had. Hoping for the time your stars would align once more with his. It may not have been in this life, but he was willing to wait for it.

[aassumida]

GIARDINO BLU

A / N: before I started everything I wanted to warn you that I don't speak English very well, forgive me if the story sucks

Things bloom

In unexpected moments

"But I know

This can't go on forever

I have to let you go

But I want you so much "

15th century: March 21st Italy

POV Author

It was a scorching summer day in a quiet northern Italian city in which it was not well known except for the fact that it was surrounded by fine grains of areas that covered the streets, mountains and houses, its residents were mostly humble people who lived their lives calmly, and without a lot of worries just having to stay in the same village day by day, there lived a man he was not a high class nobleman who lavished wealth and money wherever he went he was a simple homeless person nor a he was certainly not the most humble person in terms of money but he had an inherent and pure beauty that was easily hidden by his "rags" and dirt

An orphan since his birth with the disappearance or death of his parents he doesn't even know without knowing the world trapped walking in circles he steals to survive not that he really had much choice

ー hey little thief come back here with this

But an escape really was getting difficult to escape almost the whole city knew his face and knew him very well that was what they called him "little thief" even though he knew his name Naruto Uzumaki this time was a simple bakery that had the displeasure of being in touch with the blond but it wasn't his fault after all in this village street people only have one end to starve or steal to survive what would you choose?

He ran for a while until the lord of the bakery got tired of running after him giving up on leaving him with bubbling anger in his eyes Naruto took advantage of it and started eating the piece of bread with such speed that he realized where he was only after savoring "his "food in a lost forest was all he needed. The forest was full of trees it was even surprising compared to the hot climate of the village that no water was so dry wasting nature would appreciate everything since it was his first time there in his 21 years but the desperation to leave and go to the place who called it home was bigger

He walked on confusing trails up and down up there and without even knowing if he was close to leaving that place, it didn't make sense to sigh loudly with tiredness "My back is killing me and my legs are stuck in a stream" I thought with every step I took I didn't know little where he was going had left by the city gates they said that the forest was haunted they had already seen monsters there that they had tails and fierce looks stories to prevent their children from leaving home or disobeying their parents "If you don't behave I will leave you in the forest "but the most" scary "" The Monster of the Castle "the monster of the castle say he was the son of a lord who was the fruit of a love that could not even exist he was born with a few lines on his face that was thing for an ox to sleep Naruto always thought of the orphanage where he lived always told him these stories he didn’t understand yes he knew that there was indeed a man who lived in a huge old castle like the grains of sand in the city is that he was in fact the son, not of a lord, but of nothing but nothing less, the Duke of Florence, the youngest son in which he was sent is expelled for his appearance to this castle, the residents who saw him said that they said he it was ugly disgusting it’s even horrendous the blond with beautiful eyes blue sky didn’t understand didn’t understand why they didn’t even really know the man

Surprised sighs mixed with euphoria came out of his mouth as he witnessed a huge castle in front of him, it looked like it was made up of unanswered questions, he was in fact lost, but now what he was going to do to face the monster or remain lost without even being good at it. forest

He did the obvious right back to the forest not five minutes after turning around he started trying to climb the huge walls several and several attempts most fail well all until he finally managed to get over the huge walls "My God what a hell wall "

His surprise was such a huge garden composed of the most diverse and beautiful flowers ever seen, each one more beautiful than the other yellow red white pink and many more flowers never seen was right in front of him his eyes shone but he never observed everything with the greatest fascination the most beautiful thing he has witnessed in all these years but at the back of him he saw a man with short medium-length reddish hair is a thin physique watering is cultivating these flowers he seemed so serene cultivating his flowers he was so beautiful indeed there were thousands of lines and some black dots marking his face it only made him more beautiful Naruto barely noticed the hours seconds transformed into minutes gardem gave way to hours when he realized the man had already entered his castle is left his jrdim there lit only by the dim light of the moon

Naruto looked at those beautiful flowers

"Only a few will not hurt anyone"

He thought with a careful leap he looked like a cat just on the tip of his feet he was admiring for a while or a lot he lost his hours touching the flowers with delicacy they were so soft then after a few minutes he tore some flowers with care, right, carefully wrapped them in his little cloth when coming back to the forest it seemed that going back to his village was much easier maybe because of his wandering mind that only thought about the day he saw "The monster of the castle" that of a monster only had names he didn't look like a monster people really invent each thing he went to his little hiding place it was nothing too much to tell the truth just a bed is a table it could be worse was sleeping on his straw bed because we don't have any improvised money not soon after putting the flowers in a glass of water I could hardly sleep that's a thousand because just to throw himself in bed if he sleeps there like a cannonball the truth was that he only thought about the garden and the castle he wanted so much to talk to the man when you saw earlier your hunger took away everything when you fell asleep due to tiredness your thoughts were gone for an instant

Naruto POV

Italy June 22

Waking up with the hot sun hitting me in the face again was an ass every day the mana thing didn’t make a day that this village doesn’t get a miserable heat and honestly I didn’t want to wake up I looked to the side lazily but the sleep soon passed me I got up hurriedly and went to the flowers I took them in my hand shock

ー It wasn't a dream, I walk so exhausted I'm even daydreaming it can only be that

My belly is asking for urgent food I give a loud sigh but one day

ー Sometimes I just wanted to be rich

With the flowers I went walking through the streets, vast streets of the city simple houses mostly humble surrounded me small markets but a common day for everyone as always people looked at me unwanted this is what I am but I couldn't blame them in the end one a thief who steals them almost daily would be funny if it weren't tragic an old woman approached me with a smile on her face different from most people around me, how strange people usually ignore me or pretend I'm not even here or even stop to curse me I looked at him suspiciously "not a good thing"

ー What beautiful flowers my young man how much they cost

She spoke with a gentle smile I raised an eyebrow what the hell is she talking about I dared to ask

ー What?

She looked at me confused we both looked at each other in confusion it was even funny the scene two idiots not understanding anything they were talking about we were on different pages it would never work

ー You are not selling your flowers

I looked at the makeshift bouquet in my hands. Sell ​​? Flowers ? Money….

ー Ehhh yes ... I am selling it I mean they are mine… .. lady

Trying to sound as good as possible as someone who really knows what he is doing as well as I thought it sucked the old woman laughed outrageously she took some coins and handed it to me I took it firmly let her decide not to give it to me anymore

ー Well I want these roses here

She pointed it out and gave it to me quickly and right after its withdrawal I still didn't understand anything in one hand flowers in the other money

ー Money….

A whirlwind of thoughts prowled my head. I could sell flowers to get what to eat and live, maybe get out of this crappy village and thus be able to live, but these flowers are not even mine, how can I sell them?

I approached a guy who sold Shikamaru muffins I think he looked at me ugly with a mixture of tiredness he looked like he hadn't slept in ages with his black hair the Nara family one of the families but humble is respected at the same time I remembered I had assaulted him last week he just doesn't get me because of the laziness that has to be moved a putz muscle it had to be him my stomach rumbled loudly I apparently gave a boring smile and my discomfort didn't show

ー Will try to rob me again Naruto

He said suspiciously but soon after yawned his eyes slowly closed I scratched my head

ー Not this time… .I mean I'll pay myself Naruto Uzumaki I'll pay

I said hurriedly I handed him the money anyway he still looked at me suspiciously not believing in a word my look at him was judging me looking into my soul

ー HMM ... you didn't steal it from anyone is it

I looked at you offended

ー OF COURSE NO! I managed with my own money I… .. am selling flowers

I showed him the flowers with a proud look they were fascinated with them I was feeling so good that everything in me screamed "you are too convinced for someone who won 10 silvers"

ー Didn't know you grew flowers

I don't cultivate!

ー I will change of life

Said firmly

ー As long as you stop stealing my cookies I don't care little thief

ー I have a name Shikamaru

He just looked at me and gave a lazy smile I gave a smile too I left that tent and left as quickly as possible pretending dementia listening to Shikamaru's laugh behind this Shikamaru invents everything

Somewhere else

Gaara POV

Another day in this huge castle alone with my beautiful garden one of the only things that doesn't keep me lonely in this scum of life I let out loud sighs staring at the wall in disbelief how long it will last how long

I hear the door slam that made my thoughts change a little bit. Who is it that I hurry up sitting on the bed looking for my mask?

ー Master you should have been getting up ...

I sighed loud relief stamped across my entire being my right arm and the only person besides me who lives in that stupid castle came through the door with a coffee tray in addition to my cook's right arm and basically mine does everything I feel that without him I would go to freak out

Lee Rock Lee you don't need so much formality is your day off you shouldn't be doing anything but fun like I don't know dating you are young

ー The 70 year old man talks more fun than cooking is helping you in your impossible Giardino

ー Lee formality the formality reminds

He gives a small laugh Lee always manages to get laughs and smiles from me

ー yes yes you don't think you should go out a bit but Gaara meeting new people a boy or girl who knows

ー Who would want to know me or my father wants to see me my brothers for them I hardly exist because I have to be so horrendous

I said throwing myself on the bed again running my hands over the marks on my face

ー You have to stop calling yourself that not everyone cares about how you look, besides that you are very beautiful I'm sure you just didn't find the right person and your brothers love you I know NOW go take a shower to eat for the love o sunny day perfect for farming don't you think

He put the tray on top of the table, which was always full of books about flowers. I loved creating flowers and taking care of them. My mother liked it. I felt sorry for not having met him. Lee left quickly. I was already preparing for monotonous days. to the bathroom

Somewhere else

POV Author

The young Uzumaki sold "his" flowers surprisingly they made successes who saw fell in love with his old "friend" Sakura Haruno appeared all euphoric as always a woman from high society nor was it known why loads of water she was in that peaceful village

ㅡ NARUTO UZUMAKI WHO YOU STOLE THIS TIME

she said already giving him slaps and sermons as always

ㅡ AINN Sakura-Chan how long I thought until you had already fled this city

I teased her, she rolled her eyes and gave me another shit making me bewildered it hurt so much it looks like I'm going to pass out sure there will be a cock

ㅡ SHUT UP THE MOUTH BAKA You know why I'm here I need to see my lady

She smiled smugly but with a look of malice I wanted to laugh but I am respectful

ㅡ first stop screaming the scandalous it's me second came to see Hinata again

her look fell I gave a look of I KNOW YOU

ㅡ Know that the Hyuuga are enemies of the Haruno

ㅡ nonsense nobody will stop our love now give me one of these wonderful flowers

I gave her the rest of the flowers with rest I say a flower she gave me the money and I quickly denied it

ㅡ Go right before I change my mind I don't deny money

She ran quickly with the flower she knows me well the flower in her hand she swayed with the speed of her steps more obvious without first giving me another punch mommy I just don't fight with her because I don't want to be beaten to death

Watching the sunset I didn't know where I was going the streets are still busy as if the joy of the city really started I could just go away and wait one day I had money for at least tomorrow but I followed the forest when I entered it all it looked so scary but also so comforting in a short time unlike yesterday the moon was bright i didn't know where i was going i was going back to that place to that garden for that man AI Naruto your idiot is going crazy

Upon seeing the castle even with the huge trees I could clearly see flashing flames and attractive drugs

I tried school again the walls were easier than the last time when I jumped I could see those beauties this beautiful Giardino I approached without wanting to steal know how much closer I saw a body A BODY was the red-haired man I got closer her every time but my heart was beating the more I got close until I saw him sleeping he was so serene in the middle of several sunflowers

ㅡ Who are you… ..

I ran my hand over his face my fingers were delighted by his lines his shadow on his face his little dots the man opened his eyes eyes sea green beautiful as the owner grandma tell you he looked bewildered but when he noticed our approach he quickly got up and walked away

ㅡ Who are you…. why are you here

[helloalycia]

solar flare // kara danvers

SUMMARY: Unaware that your girlfriend is Supergirl, things get a little confusing when she gets into an accident that should have threatened her life.

WARNING/S: mentions of death.

Author's note: this has been sat in my drafts for a looooong time, along with a bunch of other stuff that I'll probably be putting out over the next few days. Sorry it's a little shit lol 

masterlist

       I felt my dreamscape fading as I realised somebody was shuffling next to me, eventually making me open my eyes tiredly. I realised it was Kara, evidently uncomfortable, trying to find a comfortable position. I groaned quietly, trying to wake myself up a little more so I could ask her what's wrong.

       "Sorry," she whispered, sounding exhausted.

      "Mmmt's okay," I mumbled incoherently, before motioning for her to come closer.

      She instantly moved towards me, tucking her head into the crook of my neck. I wrapped my free arm around her waist, resting my hand on the slight exposed skin where the hem of her shirt was. I heard her breathe out contently and I pressed a gentle kiss to the top of her head before trying to fall asleep again.

      That morning, I ended up waking up before Kara, so I did my usual boring routine before deciding to cook some breakfast for us both. It didn't take long and by the time I was done, Kara walked into the kitchen area, a sleepy smile on her lips.

      "Good morning," she said, approaching me with open arms.

      I accepted her hug with a smile, kissing her cheek before saying, "Morning, sleepyhead. I made breakfast."

      "I can see that," she noted, staring out at the island, where everything was. "You didn't need to do that."

      I ushered her to take a seat as I said, "It's nothing special unfortunately. Just some eggs and whatnot. Buuuuut I figured since I'm here, I may as well make the effort. It might make you reconsider about us moving in together."

      Kara sighed, massaging her forehead with discomfort. "Y/N..."

      "If it's about staying in your flat, I'm completely okay with it," I added hopefully. "I mean, of course I'll miss my place, but if it means I get to see you every day then it's worth it, right?"

      "Y/N, please, not today," she said, giving me a pleading look. "I'm just... I'm not in the mood."

      I breathed out slowly. "Right, sorry."

      Kara and I had been together for almost two years and I had proposed the idea of us moving in together a few months ago, since we pretty much spent most nights together anyway. I was instantly met with rejection, Kara claiming she wasn't ready. At first, I respected her decision, hoping it was just nerves and she'd eventually come around, but I was still waiting for the latter to happen.

      I served up breakfast and the two of us sat there in an awkward silence, until I finally decided to say something.

      "We still on for drinks with my friends after work?" I asked, glancing up at the quiet blonde.

      Kara's expression told me everything I need to know - she'd forgotten. After swallowing a sip-full of orange juice, probably to buy time, she nodded. "Yeah, yeah, of course. I'll be there."

      "You sure?"

      She nodded. "Of course."

      "If you're not up for it, it's fine," I said, giving her a knowing look.

      "I said I'll be there," she promised, dropping her fork to grab my hand and give it a supportive squeeze. "I'm not feeling well, but I'm sure it'll pass. Sorry for being off this morning... you hate me?"

      I gave her a small smile, unable to resist her adorable sparkling blue eyes. "I could never."

***

      "...it worked out though because I got the promotion, so yeah, that's how I got here," Y/BF/N finished explaining with a bright smile.

      "She says it so simply, but it took a lot of hardworking and perseverance on her part," her boyfriend, Hasan, added, making me laugh.

      "Oh, shut up," Y/BF/N said with a blushing face, nudging her boyfriend in the arm.

      I smiled at the two of them, admiring how cute they looked. I was having a long overdue catch up with my best friend and also meeting her new boyfriend. Well, they'd been together for almost six months, but he'd been on a business trip, so I was only just now meeting him. Kara was here, too, as promised, but she was acting a little off, worrying me a little. She was usually a bubbly personality, especially when it came to Y/BF/N, but all she'd been doing this evening was giving one-word responses and playing with my hand under the table.

      "You guys want any more drinks? I'm gonna get another," I said, already standing up.

      "Yeah sure, same again if you don't mind," Y/BF/N said.

      "Thanks," Hasan added, nodding.

      "Same again, got it," I said, before looking to Kara. "C'mon, Kara, you can give me a hand."

      She seemed reluctant, but nodded and allowed me to drag her away from the table and to the bar. I ordered the drinks as Kara spoke.

      "Did you really need my help to carry two drinks?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.

      I gave her a knowing look. "Kara, I asked for you help because I want to know what's wrong with you."

      "What do you mean?"

      "Kara, you know what I mean," I said. "You're acting weird and the others are beginning to notice. What's wrong?"

      She sighed, frowning and avoiding my eyes. "I don't really want to be here..."

      "Here's your drinks, Miss," the bartender said, pushing two glasses towards me.

      "Cheers." I nodded his way before looking back to Kara with worried eyes. "I asked you this morning if you were still up for it. And again before we came in here."

      "I know, but I just don't feel well," she admitted, giving me an apologetic glance, "and you were really looking forward to tonight."

      I grabbed her hand, squeezing it gently. "Kara, I'm sorry if I made you feel like you had to come tonight. That wasn't my intention"

      "You didn't," she reassured, meeting my eyes.

      "Well, either way, I think we can call it a night," I said, giving her a small smile.

      "You don't have to leave just because of me-"

      "It's okay," I cut her off, grabbing the drinks from the bar. "Come on. Let's go back to mine."

      She followed me to the table and I set the drinks down before grabbing my jacket.

       “I'm really sorry, guys, but Kara isn't feeling too good, so I think we're gonna call it a night," I said with an apologetic smile. "It was really great to catch up though, and of course, to meet you Hasan."

      "Aw, okay, I hope you feel better, Kara," Y/BF/N said, standing up and pulling us both in for a hug. "It was nice to see you both again."

      "Thanks," Kara said, forcing a small smile.

      "It was a pleasure, ladies," Hasan said, giving us a quick hug. "Hopefully we can meet again soon."

      "Of course," I agreed, looking between them, before putting some money on the table. "Drinks are on me. Enjoy yourselves."

      Kara and I left the bar, only to find ourselves in some terrible weather. It was chucking it down, making us both stay standing under the the umbrella extending from the roof of the bar.

      "Damn, okay, this isn't going to help with you not feeling well," I muttered, glancing out at the road to see if I could spot a taxi. I looked to Kara, saying, "Just wait here. I'm gonna try and get a taxi for us."

      Kara nodded and I headed out from the umbrella, feeling the cold rain smack down on me harshly. I sighed and stood on the edge of the pavement, looking out to see if I could spot a taxi in the distance. Eventually, in the darkness, I could spot the familiar yellow bumper of a taxi under the nearest street lamp, so I raised my hand to get its attention. It flashed its headlights briefly, so I lowered my hand and watched as it came to stop by me, except as it tried to pull over to the side, its tyres skidded in the rain and propelled the car towards at me at a dangerous speed.

      I barely had the chance to register what was happening because everything moved so fast. One second I was stood at the edge of the pavement with headlights beaming at me, and the next I was on the wet ground, trying to understand why people were shouting around me.

      "Miss, are you okay? Can you hear me?"

      I looked up and saw a stranger trying to help me stand up. I looked around with confusion, only to see a few people gathered around a body in front of the taxi. A few more people were helping the taxi driver out of his cab and I realised that I was about to get hit, but someone had pushed me out the way. Wait a minute...

      "Kara?!" I yelled, shoving the stranger out of my way to see if Kara was where I left her, but she wasn't.

      I immediately ran over to the body in front of the taxi and felt my heart drop to the pit of my stomach when I saw the state she was in.

      "Kara, oh my god, no, Kara," I cried out, kneeling by her side.

      She was bleeding from her head, it soaking into her wet hair. The rain was washing the blood into a puddle all around her, which made me see the odd angle her leg was twisted in.

      "Please open your eyes," I begged, my own eyes blurring with tears. I cupped her face, hoping she'd wake up, but I knew it was impossible. I leaned down and held my breath, hoping she would breathe to let me know she was alive. After what felt like forever, I felt a tickle against my skin, and I sat up with relief.

      "We've called an ambulance, Miss," someone said from behind me, but I couldn't formulate a response because I was too focused on how pale Kara was getting as each second passed.

      The ambulance arrived soon enough, but I couldn't remember the specifics because it went by in a blur. They were hooking Kara up to a bunch of machines and it was frightening me, seeing her look so vulnerable. I must have called Alex at one point during the ride because when I got to the hospital and ushered to the waiting room, Alex was already there.

      When she saw me, she immediately came to give me a reassuring hug.

      "I'm sorry, Alex, I don't know why she did that," I rambled out, feeling the guilt sink in. "She said she didn't want to come and I shouldn't have made her because then we wouldn't be in this mess. I'm so sorry."

      Alex grabbed my arms and looked me in the eyes. "Y/N, calm down, it's okay. You can't blame yourself for what happened. But I need you to listen carefully, okay?"

      I nodded, still feeling discomfort in my gut.

      "I'm going to talk to Kara's doctors and get her transferred," she explained.

      I furrowed my brows. "Transferred? Why would you do that?"

      "I'll explain after, I just need you to stay calm and know that Kara will be okay."

      I shook my head. "Alex, she looked really bad. I'm scared that... I don't know."

      "I promise you she's going to be fine," she said confidently. "Now, I'm gonna talk to the doctors and when I get back, we're gonna take a drive."

      "Alex-"

      "Trust me, Y/N," she said, giving me a slight nod before leaving me standing in the waiting room, wondering what the hell was happening.

      Alex returned, as promised, and she led me to her car before driving us to God knows where. I tried to get some answers out of the older Danvers sister, but she refused to budge and insisted I'd find out eventually. So, I was left to worry about Kara's life and wondering why Alex was so sure she'd be okay. It was her little sister and she didn't even seem concerned?

      We reached our destination soon enough and I grew confused as I saw how secure this location was. I'd probably walked by this building so many times, yet never questioned its existence. I'd apparently never noticed the armed guards at the doors either.

      "Come on, this way," Alex finally spoke when we left the car.

      I sucked up a shaky breath and wiped away at my tears as I followed her through the building. The guards by the door seemed to know who she was as they straightened up with respect and let her pass. We took a lift up to which Alex seemed nervous, glancing my way every now and then. I desperately wanted to ask her where we were and if Kara was here, too, but I knew she'd give me the same response each time, so I stayed quiet.

      Finally, the doors opened and I widened my eyes with surprise, taking in the vast room before me. There were people dressed in uniform all around, some at control panels and their attention focused on the giant monitors on the wall, others walking around with serious expressions.

      I followed Alex like a lost lamb, letting her lead me up some stairs onto the balcony above. I tried to look around the room for a symbol or a logo - something that would tell me where we were, but I couldn't find anything distinguishable. I continued to follow Alex until we reached a room with glass windows, allowing me to see inside. I did a double take when I realised Kara was inside, laying on a bed, motionless.

      "Kara!" I shouted, already running inside to her bedside.

      I startled some of the (what I'm guessing are) nurses, as they moved out of my way. Alex waved her hand, signalling for them to leave.

      "Why is she here?" I asked, worriedly, realising she wasn't in surgery or being treated for her visible injuries. "What's this...?" I motioned to the light sources above her, emitting some sort of yellow light on her pale skin. "She should be in surgery or something. Alex!"

      I looked over my shoulder to see Alex stepping by my side, wrapping an arm around my shoulder and leading me away from her bedside for the moment. I wiped away my tears and waited for an explanation.

      "I know you're confused and you're scared, but Y/N, I need you to listen to me," Alex spoke calmly, never breaking eye contact. I nodded as she continued. "As crazy as this sounds, you need to believe what I'm about to say. Kara needs you to."

      "Alex, you're starting to scare me," I said, feeling shivers run down my spine. "What's wrong with Kara?"

      Alex bit her lower lip before taking a breath. "Remember how I said Kara is gonna be fine?" I nodded as she continued, "Well, she is. She looks battered and bruised now, but it's because she exerted her powers and has momentarily lost them. A solar flare."

      I stared at Alex like she was a ghost. "What the hell are you talking about?" I was convinced she'd lost her mind at this point. Maybe it was the shock of Kara's accident or something, but she was definitely not making sense.

      "Y/N, Kara is Supergirl," she said bluntly. "The reason she's been off lately is because she's been agitated that she doesn't have her powers and she can't help people."

      I gave her a confused look. "Alex, you sound insane!"

      "Look, we're at the DEO," she continued to explain, not fazed by my judgemental expression. "I'm the director. We work to handle any extra-terrestrial threats invading our planet and we do that with the help of Supergirl."

      I felt my heart rate increasing with every word she spoke. I could barely keep up with what she was saying.

      "My parents adopted Kara when she landed on Earth," she explained, and I tried to understand. "She wears those glasses to hide her identity and to help with her x-ray vision."

      "X-ray vision?" I squeaked helplessly.

      She nodded. "Yes. I can even show you the suit, but Y/N, I'm telling you this because I need you to understand that Kara will be fine. She's technically vulnerable like a human, but as soon as her powers come back, she'll heal with those UV lamps and be absolutely fine."

      Alex searched my eyes to see what I was thinking. I stared at her, letting her words digest, before finally speaking.

      "Please tell me you're joking."

      She groaned, before grabbing my shoulders. "Y/N! Look at her!" She twisted me around, forcing me to look at Kara. "She's Supergirl! You have to believe me."

      I knew she was right, as much as I didn't want to admit it. If I admitted it, it meant that she didn't trust me with her secret and that she made me worry for her life when she would be fine this whole time.

      "She didn't tell me," I finally spoke, my voice barely above a whisper.

      I calmed down a little, reassured that she would be okay, but that didn't change the fact that I thought she was going to die not long ago. I felt like hot water bubbling over, trying to settle after someone turned the gas off, but I couldn't quite keep up.

      "I'm sure she had her reasons, Y/N," Alex began sympathetically, but I cut her off.

      "How do I get out of here?" I asked, tearing my gaze away from Kara and looking to Alex.

      "You're leaving?" Alex sounded surprised.

      "She'll be fine, right?" I asked and Alex nodded, about to respond, but I rolled my eyes and gave her a sarcastic smile. "Of course she will be - she's the Girl of Steel! Now, how do I get out of here?"

      "Y/N, come on," Alex tried to reason.

      "Come on what? She didn't-" I swallowed the lump in my throat. "She didn't tell me. There's nothing more to say. Now, please let me go home."

      Alex searched my eyes for something more, and when she found nothing, she sighed and nodded before leading me out. I glanced at Kara one last time, feeling distaste at the thought of everything that had just happened, before following Alex.

***

      I found myself lounging on my couch the next day, sulking into a bowl of popcorn as I watched The Office reruns. I was trying to use the show as a distraction, but all that was on my mind was Kara. I tried to imagine her as Supergirl, remembering all those times I'd seen the hero on the news or flying in the sky. That was her.

      All those times when she'd bail on a date last minute, or when she'd leave a date early... it made sense. Why she didn't like the idea of taking a mini vacation with me, or sleeping over at hers all the time. I thought it was a weird quirk of hers, or that she was insecure about something, but no, she was too busy flying around National City.

      And that explained why she didn't want to move in together. She hadn't told me the truth about her, so moving in and seeing her act even more secretive would raise questions. Here was me thinking she was losing interest, but no, she was hiding a huge part of herself.

      I constantly tried to wonder why she didn't trust me. I mean, almost two years of being together was a long time. I thought I knew everything about her and vice versa. Why was this any different? I could care less if she was an alien and she knew that, so what was the reason?

      Kara let me believe she was human. Vulnerable, breakable and soft, like me. She got hit by a car and let me believe, even for a moment, that she could have died. That it would have been my fault that she died, or at least, suffered major injuries. She let my mind run around with those horrible thoughts and scenarios, let it break me apart as I watched her limp, bruised and battered body lying on the wet tarmac.

      She didn't tell me the truth.

      I groaned loudly and stuffed more popcorn into my mouth when I realised I was getting stuck in my thoughts all over again - the same thoughts that had kept me up all night. I tried to focus my attention on what was happening on the TV when I heard a knock on my door.

      I rolled my eyes and glanced at the door before choosing to ignore whoever it was and wallow in my own self-pity.

      "Y/N, I know you're in there!" a voice called from the other side of the door, and I recognised it as Kara's.

      I clenched my jaw and ignored her.

      "I can see you watching TV," she said in a hushed voice. "Please open the door. I have to explain."

      "That must be the x-ray vision, right?" I called back, bitterly.

      I heard her sigh. "If you don't open the door, I'm gonna come in."

      "That would be breaking in," I reminded her, before getting comfortable on the couch. "Go away."

      It went quiet and I assumed she'd listened, but then I heard a loud crack. I looked to the door with a puzzled expression and stared wide-eyed at Kara, who had twisted the door knob enough to break the lock. She stepped in and pulled a face at the slight crack in the lock.

      "I'll get that fixed, I swear," she said quickly, glancing up at me.

      "You can't just break into somebody's home like that!" I yelled at her, standing up to glare at her.

      "You're not somebody," she pointed out, closing the door behind her, "and I told you I would come in."

      I crossed my arms across my chest, narrowing my glare. Admittedly, I was taken aback by the lack of injuries she had. Or should I say absence of injuries. I knew Alex said she would heal like nothing had happened, but it was different to see it with my own two eyes. It was like the accident had't happened. The colour was back in her skin, her head wasn't bleeding, she was walking. She looked as good as new, save for the sudden super strength I had just witnessed. Another thing I should have expected but was still surprised to see.

      "I have to explain myself," she began, carefully.

      "Alex caught me up on everything," I said angrily, "Supergirl."

      She frowned, looking down at her shoes guiltily. "I wanted to tell you, Y/N."

      I raised an eyebrow. "Oh? Was that before or after you almost died? Because saving an important piece of information like the fact that you're fucking indestructible would have been nice to know before I thought you were going to die because of me!"

      "Y/N-"

      "No!" I shouted, feeling my eyes grow watery at the reminder of last night. "You let me believe the worst, Kara! I thought you were going to die! You didn't see what I saw, okay?! There was blood and there- there were so many scratches and the puddle was turning r-red and I thought you were leaving me and it- it would be my fault because I made you come to see my friends and- and- and-"

      "Y/N, it's okay," she cut in, moving forward to stand me up straight.

      I was crying, I realised, my throat closed up and my vision blurred. I was too upset to push her away, and the warmth coming from her skin reminded me that she was here and alive and well, only intensifying my sobs.

      "Y-you should have told me," I cried into her shoulder. "I thought you were going to leave me."

      She wrapped her arms around me and squeezed gently, reassuringly. "I know," she agreed, her voice hoarse. I felt her nod several times as she said, "You're right. I should've told you. I'm sorry, Y/N. I'm so sorry."

      I swallowed thickly, trying to get rid of the lump in my throat. "Why didn't you?"

      She breathed out as I quietened down, managing myself the best I could. She pulled away, letting me see her glassy blue eyes behind her glasses. She pulled her glasses off, pocketing them, before rubbing the bridge of her nose and meeting my eyes again.

      "It wasn't because of you," she reassured firstly. "It wasn't. I just kept putting it off. I didn't know how to say it and I never found the time. It's a stupid reason, I know. I wish I had something better. But I don't. I can only apologise, Y/N."

      I pursed my lips in thought. Her eyes were darting between mine nervously and I tried to think what I could say.

      "Do you hate me?" she spoke quietly, almost expectantly.

      I felt her grip on my waist loosen as she prepared herself for my answer. I shook my head.

      "I could never hate you," I answered. "I love you, Kara."

      A hint of a smile ghosted her lips as she looked down, breathing out with relief.

      "I want you to tell me everything," I continued, earning her attention. "I want to hear it from you."

      She nodded. "Of course."

      "And I want you to be honest with me from here on out," I added, giving her a knowing look. "You can't hide stuff from me, especially when it involves Supergirl."

      "I promise I'll tell you everything," she said with a nod.

      I read her expression, sensing the honesty. Satisfied with my instructions, I moved forward and wrapped my arms around her shoulders. I closed my eyes, appreciating her presence, even if she pissed me off a little.

      She returned the embrace, pressing a kiss to my neck before pulling me closer.

       “You'll never lose me," she said quietly. "I promise."

[tcportfoliomgj]

Saturday, 5th of June, 2021

"What demon possessed me that I behaved so well? - Henry David Thoreau (1854/2017)

In high school, I wasn't exactly a great student. Or easy, for that matter. Even in primary school, my teacher would call my parents after the first period. During parent-teacher conferences, they would schedule my mom in the last slot, that way they had enough time. I didn't have my diagnosis back then and I was smart enough to keep up without too much trouble. But I did talk back to teachers, especially when I felt they were being unjust. This only got worse in high school.

Before I got my ADHD diagnosis, my high school teachers thought I had ODD (oppositional defiant disorder). I can't blame them, though, especially looking back now. I was very argumentative, I still am, but I'm not always like that. When I felt like things were unfair, I wasn't able to let that go. I had a lot of very authoritarian teachers, who put themselves way above their students. Having authority is one thing, but that doesn't make you more of a person, or a better person, or a more important person. I didn't do well with those kinds of teachers, especially when they also taught a subject that I strongly disliked.

In high school I had a mathematics teacher, let's call him Mr E., who I didn't get along with very well. I never liked math. I wasn't particularly bad at it, but during the first few years of high school I didn't keep up with it very well, so I was behind compared to most students. Mr E. was the kind of teacher that would say things were easy, while I was really struggling with them. We didn't like each other much, and it kept getting worse over the years. It got to the point where he wasn't willing to help me anymore, and I wasn't willing to work anymore. I remember I once missed a class because I was sick and when I asked him to explain something I missed, he said no. He told me to look it up on YouTube and to deal with it myself. I also remember a time where I wasn't willing to do anything, we got into a big argument in front of the whole class and he sent me away. I packed my back, told the class "good luck in here in hell" on my way out and slammed the door shut.

Now, at teachers college, I often joke that I wasn't an exemplary student, but I don't think people realise how difficult I actually was. In my defence, there are still quite some cases I think I was right. I also don't regret standing up for myself against unfair teachers, I just didn't always go about it the right way. There were a lot of incidents in my high school days. I got sent out of class a lot, got a lot of detention and made quite a few enemies. But I wasn't a lost cause, even if Mr E. thought I was. I managed to pass my math exams, even though I stopped attending my math classes during my last year in high school. I was willing to work for teachers who did try their best for me. I loved English, history and art, and the teachers that taught me were very willing to help me, support me and encourage me. They challenged me and engaged me, and so I was very much willing to put in the effort and go the extra mile for them. I felt seen by them and that's all I really wanted, especially during those years in my life.

Mr E. wasn't the only teacher I had a rocky relationship with. My economics teacher, Mr B., didn't exactly get along with me either. He often got angry with me in front of the whole class when I forgot my books and notebooks. This happened a lot. I felt very humiliated, but I turned that into anger and frustration. He knew about my diagnosis and when I tried to explain to him that I really tried not to forget my things, he told me he understood but that I shouldn't forget them anymore. It infuriated me. I didn't feel understood, or seen or acknowledged. As an angsty teen who was dealing with depression on top of her ADHD, it was really hard.

I think almost everyone knows that I struggled with math this year as well and I will admit, I was part of the problem. However, I didn't plan on things turning out like this. As I mentioned before, I struggle with mathematics because there's a lot of gaps in my knowledge. The math classes here at TC and the PABO is mostly about teaching math and not so much about the math itself. It makes it interesting, but also difficult. Because how do you teach a subject you don't fully understand? Or maybe even barely understand? Janneke and Danny would talk about some math exercises for primary schoolers and I would struggle with them. They would say something along the lines of "they're being taught this in group 5" or "it's pretty easy", and in those moments I wanted the earth to swallow me whole. Because I didn't understand, because I struggled, because I felt really stupid. I didn't ask for help, that's definitely my fault, but I also didn't feel very encouraged to ask for help. Lots of students asked questions by sending them emails, and it often happened that Janneke and Danny didn't respond. I was frustrated, but I did try, even though everyone thinks I didn't.

I was at almost every lecture, which is the bare minimum, I know, but something that was actually very hard for me considering being there made me feel quite insecure. I tried to do the assignments. One of the first big assignments was the one where we had to give our own students some math questions without explaining anything to them. Afterwards, we'd have to analyse them. Giving the questions to my students wasn't hard and I didn't mind doing it, seeing some of their answers was really interesting and fun even (appendix 5). When I had to analyse them, however, I began to struggle. I don't hate math, but what frustrates me is that the class isn't very accessible. If you struggle with mathematics, the class will be really challenging.

One of the basic human needs is autonomy (Ryan & Deci, 2002, in Stevens & Bors, 2013, p. 73). However, in a way, autonomy can be seen as a paradox. If you tell a student to be independent and autonomous, and they obey, then they are in fact not being autonomous because they're doing what you told them to do. However, if they do not comply, they continue to be dependent on you. Mariani (1997) approached this subject very well and explains how teachers can promote autonomy. He explains that we need to challenge our students in order to answer their need for autonomy. We support them in order to answer their need for dependence. He then puts this in a framework.

Figure 2. Teaching Style Framework (Mariani, 1997)

The level of autonomy and dependence need to be balanced. A high level of challenge with a low level of support should be avoided. He recalls a moment where he experienced this himself and explains that "the result [...] was anxiety, insecurity, discomfort, and even aggressiveness - not to mention the long-term effect on my self-confidence" (Mariani, 1997). The ideal is a situation with a high level of challenge combined with a high level of support, this way we can create the zone of proximal development (Mariani, 1997). During the math classes, I find myself facing a high level of challenge with a lack of support, and later I discovered I wasn't alone.

I made the decision to not do the math assignments. First of all, I think the subject isn't relevant for quite a lot of students. When I asked my coach why we had math in the first place, she answered that it was mandatory because teachers college is part of the PABO. This isn't very motivating because knowing that it's mandatory doesn't explain why it is. Second of all, this tells us that it is in fact not very relevant for the students who know that they want to continue high school education instead of primary education. I was also told that they scaled up math since last academic year. This is because students in the craftsman phase were lacking knowledge and struggling. Again, this is not very relevant for the students who choose high school education. I understand that I made a choice to do TC, which means experience both levels of education, but we have a significantly high amount of math classes compared to a lot of other subjects.

Secondly, I think the way math is taught isn't in line with teachers college. This also relates to Mariani's framework. At TC we are taught to be better teachers, to support and motivate our students and to be open-minded. Our teachers also play a part in this. What I experience is that the teachers within the core team practice what they preach. I feel like my basic needs are met. I don't feel the same about math and I decided to create a survey (appendix 6). I asked TC students (of all years) to fill it in and 19 of them did. It's not a lot, so maybe not representative for all TC students, but I decided to stop promoting the survey when it caused some commotion (rumours were being spread that it was a survey to get rid of math altogether). But the results of the survey are still very interesting.

Seven out of nineteen students were TC1 students, the other twelve are TC2 or above. Almost all the higher years indicate that they didn't have any assignments or had small ones, but none that involved their internship or took multiple weeks to finish. Nine out of twelve higher years claim that they didn't experience math as stressful at all. Two students found the classes useful. Only one student felt like they had learned something, a few students are neutral in this, but most claim not to have learned much. Most higher years say they do not remember the theory that was taught to them, indicating that the classes weren't even lasting. When asked if they had further comments, many of them said they didn't find the classes meaningful, that they didn't see the value or that they don't remember much from the classes at all. It is clear that they were in one of the low challenge zones, making it either too easy (a low challenge with high support levels) or boring (a low challenge with low support levels).

Now if we take a look at the TC1 students, the answers shift. When asked what kind of assignments they had, they all answer with big assignments that stretched over multiple weeks as well as in-class assignments and presentation. On top of that, it is mandatory for the portfolio (this wasn't the case for the higher years). Five out of seven students experienced the workload as high, the other two were neutral. Six students claim they experienced stress, one is neutral. Some of them do claim to have learned something, or that they experienced it as useful, but I think it's important to remember that for TC1, my year, it is mandatory for our portfolio and so there's more at stake. The workload that TC1 experienced indicated that we're in the high challenge zones. The stress experienced indicated a lack of support, putting us in the anxiety zone.

What did we, as students, do to change this? At first, not a lot, at least not as a collective effort. I know a lot of students email Janneke and Danny with questions or stayed behind after online class but often didn't get answers or help. They experienced low support. When we did come forward as a class, some of us still did not feel seen, or heard. We had a conversation with Janneke and Danny and I experienced it as very frustrating. Just like Mariani (1997), I experienced anxiety, discomfort, insecurity and a level of aggression, the same way I did in high school with Mr E. and Mr B. I felt ready to throw my stuff into my bag and walk out of that room, but I didn't.

Maybe it's closed-minded to not do the math assignments, maybe it even shows a level of disrespect. At the end of the day, I passed my mandatory math test (wiscat) (appendix 7), I learned and did just as much as the students last year (who also passed math) and I refuse to be put in a zone of anxiety when I'm learning, especially when I'm learning how to be a supportive teacher myself.

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