#but decided not to because I like my supervisor and didn't want to switch

[cosmichorrorlesbians]

what's your dissertation about? you mentioned it in the siltcord and i'm really interested

oh my god hey I'm so happy you're interested! broad strokes because I've only been working on it for a few weeks but: the current theme is 'resistant landscapes' (both man-made and natural) in the later writing of Shirley Jackson!

Essentially, my main thread is that Jackson had two parallel strands to her work, which as far as I can tell began kind of interrelated but then diverged quite significantly? She's probably best known now for The Haunting of Hill House and to a lesser extent We Have Always Lived In The Castle, which are these. weird surreal psychological horror novels, engaging explicitly or implicitly with the supernatural, and centred around introspective, strange and sometimes deeply misanthropic female characters from isolated social units with dysfunctional, possessive relationships to each other.

Aaaaand then on the other hand she was known for being a 'happy housewife' who wrote these whimsical, quasi-autobiographical stories about all her children and how hopeless her husband was. These were popular too. Betty Friedan called her out in landmark 1963 feminist manifesto The Feminine Mystique for essentially spreading patriarchal propaganda.

The interrelation between the two is really jarring, because in one family is a source of horror and tragedy and in the other it's a source of, like... laundry. And Jackson's home life wasn't everything those stories made it out to be-- her marriage was unfaithful, her mother could probably be fairly called emotionally abusive, and as I talked about on the siltcord, she developed severe agoraphobia which often left her housebound.

So, yeah. My plan is to explore the depiction of families as constructed social units in dialogue with the environments they are constructed in in that work. Obviously a lot of that is relation of house to family, in the context of which Hill House is especially rewarding to consider, but I also want to look at relationships with nature and urban environments (especially in the context of settler colonialism and how that has had an enduring legacy in Jackson's particular part of New England), xenophobia (largely in regard to class, though racism and anti-Semitism are presences in her writing), domesticity and the idea of the housewife, and how horror relates to All Of This. The ideal of making a home within a hostile environment and of that environment turning on you, essentially.

I don't yet have particular areas of focus within that broad umbrella, but I might update with bits and pieces about it as I work? I don't really talk about academic stuff on here but I am very much Critical Literary Analysis Guy and I do also post relentlessly about haunted houses as a concept so if people would be interested in it maybe I will

anyway if you've read this far I recommend Horror in Architecture: The Reanimated Edition (2024) by Joshua Comaroff and Ong Ker-Shing which is a book about how horror movie tropes can be mirrored in built environments! I'm reading it right now and it's conceptually fascinating plus fairlyyy comprehensible by academic standards (if a little dense) if you, like me, are a Fool who knows nothing of architecture. very good also for getting to look at pictures of some of the most Fucked Up Buildings (affectionate) you've ever seen.

[theweirdwideweb]

we want the work blowout deets

I'll give you the tea but it will be lengthy and I'm going to cry.

Thank you for asking anon. To be honest with you I've been crying in bed about it for the past couple hours. I stood up just now and went to the bathroom and saw two big wet patches on my smiley face tshirt and it sucks so much. I'm so sad.

I could really use some feedback on this situation to be honest. OK. So the long story short is that I got a new supervisor a year ago and my work life has been hell ever since. First off, she doesn't understand what I do. She's never done my job. And she is THE micromanager from hell. For the first 7 months of the year she had me turning in a time card every week showing everything I did down to 5 minute increments. I turn the spreadsheet in on Friday, then every Monday we'd have a meeting where she'd tell me she just doesn't understand how I use my time. Why did it take so long to do X amount of invoices? She estimates it should take 2 minutes per invoice, but it took me 4 minutes per invoice. Like I said she knows nothing about my job and as many times as I've explained it she still "doesn't get it." It was demoralizing, nerve wracking, and frankly so insulting to my competence that I went to her boss (my old supervisor who I love). When she did nothing I went to HR with serious concerns about discrimination----it's no coincidence that I was granted some medical leave at the beginning of the year to address mental health concerns.

Yada yada yada, we made some changes and I don't have to turn in the spreadsheet anymore, but she is still making me email her every week with a list of tasks I didn't complete from the week before. It's still insulting but at least she agreed I'd only have to do it for another 3 months. Actually she said 1 month, but she's such a bitch that by the next HR meeting she claimed she never said 1 month and switched it to 3 months. She's a fucking moron, reader. She's dead fucking stupid. I really can't stress that enough. Dumb. It took her 15 years to get the position I got within 3 years of starting. The only reason she's where she is is seniority, personal relationships with management, and being a fucking bully. A dumb bully! Telling you how to prioritize your work! She's accused me recently of being unprepared for a meeting---a meeting that I hosted, provided all the material for, wrote all the notes on, fleshing out a new process she told me to start implementing but had zero idea how. She just tosses ideas at me and I'm left to figure out any kind of practical way to do it because---AGAIN---she doesn't know how to do my job. There've been other things too. She's a sneak humiliator. She's a button pusher. She's a moron. A big fat ugly moron who looks like Roz from Monster's Inc.

So on Thursday at 4:30pm, end of the day, suddenly a meeting with HR and this cunt appears on my calendar for 10am Friday (yesterday). I'm like---well here we go. She's either going to fire me or put me on a formal PIP. I'll be honest with you, I'd already decided to quit but I was holding out for my bonus in December. I entered the meeting feeling tranquil. I thought, "Do it. Pull the trigger. I'm ready for the end. Just fire me. Let me go. Release me."

But when the meeting starts it's just a touch base with our HR rep to see how everything is going. Are YOU fucking KIDDING me. Anyone would have thought the same thing I did. Of all the things my supervisor sucks dicks at, communication is the worst of all. She can't even spell. She can't string a sentence together. I mean it's shocking she writes at like a 6th grade level. I've seen emails she sent that are so garbled they are literally incomprehensible.

So I'm PISSED. I express how nerve-wracking the previous evening and all morning had been. We're off to a great start. She lets me know she's going to try to end the email process early. OK good. She tells me she's concerned because I haven't been providing personal feedback to her when prompted. Easy enough to explain: I hate your fucking guts, I'm trying to be a grey rock until I can quit. But I can't say that so I'm just like Alright.

Now here comes the bullshit! 1) She now wants me to ask permission in advance to work on weekends. I'm so overworked and stressed out I work like every weekend and now she wants me to ask her permission for the privilege of working on my day off. Guess who's never working a weekend for this company again. 2) The emails that just contain a list of tasks, right? Was 1 month, now 3 months, etc. She also changed the rules so that I have to provide a count of all the claims I processed across multiple platforms. And well---she just doesn't understand how I processed X number of claims and it took this long. In fact, she said, she counts 8 hours reported on my timecard she can't account for last week.

I lost it. I was openly hostile and belligerent. Fuck this fucking bitch. I cannot work for this vile idiot anymore. I actually used my IRL voice to poke holes in what she was saying and pointing out how fucking stupid it all is. Then she comes at me for not respecting her authority. As a reminder, just minutes before she'd complained about me having no feedback for her.

I left the meeting by refusing offers for additional time with the HR rep. I was in no place. I barely worked the rest of the day I was so upset and I didn't send my email, didn't complete my tasks, and didn't ask her permission to finish it up on the weekend (lol). I don't have another job lined up but this is the last time she's going to question whether I'm just straight up lying on my timecard or some kind of moron. That's it. This is her 100th strike for me.

Now here's why I'm so conflicted. 1) My previous supervisor (now my boss's boss) is going on a leave of absence like THIS WEEK for about a month and a half to treat her cancer. I care about her very much. I don't want to stress her out at the last second like this. 2) My bitch boss is also having a sudden serious health problem requiring her to be at the hospital multiple times a week. 3) On top of that, this stupid fucking cow has to take over my boss's boss's work while she's out for cancer. 4) They are absolutely fucked without me. For me to leave right now is a disaster. Add to that---the one person I manage and have a 100% rock solid relationship straight up told me that she's going to quit at some point and that if I quit she's walking out right behind me. She said this to me unprompted and I discouraged her from quitting. 5) I have a heart. The boss and the boss's boss are both having life problems that are more important than work. I think it's immoral to leave them in the lurch right now. They have serious health problems. As much as I hate my boss, at one point we were friends. My heart is breaking.

So I'm crying in bed. I can't live this way anymore. Toxic work stress has taken over my life. I get so miserable, but then some days it's just a job. It's a job I know how to do. I've been here 6 years. The health insurance is spectacular. I've got nothing lined up. I have adequate savings to get through a couple months of unemployment, but it's no guarantee I'll find a position that suits me in that timeframe. I have all these personal relationships at work (a mistake I will not repeat). I've let this job become part of my identity. I'm getting older. I'm 37 and I'm tired and I'm crazy and I just want peace. This position is fully remote---what if the next guy makes me work in person? My whole life will change. I just want this job to work like it has been for the 5 years before she took over. I'm so sad. I've felt this way so many times.

I want to quit first thing Monday. But I want to offer them the option of staying on until good boss gets back from cancer leave, so long as I don't have to work with illiterate cunt boss any more than is absolutely critical in the meantime. What do you think guys? My heart is breaking.

[clarisse0o]

Camp Wiegman-Part 15

Lucy Bronze x Ona Batlle

Alternative Universe : Military School

Words: 6k

Masterlist

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Monday, November 9; 6:05 AM - Ona and Alexia's Room

I'm making my bed while Alexia is changing. We've gotten into the habit of taking turns to be quicker. We only have fifteen minutes, after all.

"How was your weekend, anyway? You didn't complain much about being alone, which is surprising."

I smile, remembering what I did. It's no wonder I didn't complain. What a weekend I had! I'd love to share it with her, but Bronze would kill me if I did. She took me to a skate park on Saturday afternoon. I taught her how to skate. We came to the topic while chatting at McDonald's. She confessed she always wanted to learn but never had the chance. So, we went there, and I taught her the basics. It was funny to watch, even though I must admit she did really well for her first time. It was a pleasure to go out with her. It was a great day. I could never thank her enough for what she allowed me to do. I straighten up once I finish the bed.

"Because it was cool. Bronze stayed, so she kept me company," I say as we switch places.

"What's with that big bruise?" she asks, pointing at my thigh with wide eyes.

I look up, surprised to see her at the door. I've gotten used to leaving the door open while getting ready so we can talk. I didn't expect her to invade my privacy. It's the first time she's done that. My cheeks heat up, finding myself in just my underwear in front of her. I quickly pull up my pants that I was about to put on to cover my bare skin. She doesn't seem to notice my discomfort. I'm very modest. It already took a lot for me to let Bronze help me in the shower. Being seen in shorts is one thing, but definitely not in my underwear.

"Oh, um... I hit the corner of the desk."

"The corner of the desk?" she laughs. "Did you see how big it is?"

I shrug, swallowing a smile. I would have preferred she didn't see it to avoid such questions. Thanks, Bronze, for this awkward moment. Besides, it hurts like hell! I haven't stopped changing positions during the last two nights to keep my thigh from touching the mattress.

"It's okay, I'm putting ointment on it. It's already starting to go away."

"Why are you wearing your sports outfit? Did Bronze punish you again?"

"No. I just want to run after breakfast."

"What?" she laughs. "You, run? Where's the real Ona Batlle?" she asks, pretending to look for me around us.

"Shut up!" I laugh. "I just feel like it."

"My God! Where's the Ona who wanted to leave on the first day?"

"Still here!"

I put away my mascara, and we leave the bathroom. We exchange a knowing smile as we get into position. It's right when Bronze walks into the room. She scans the room before stopping in front of me, frowning. Alexia snickers next to me.

"Where's your uniform?" she asks me.

"Miss decided to take up jogging in the morning," Alexia giggles. "You really trained her well!"

"Shut up, Putellas!" I retort sharply.

"Language, Ona!"

I roll my eyes. She'll never change her attitude towards me. Always annoying for such little things. I glance at Alexia, who surprised me by addressing my supervisor. She usually tries to avoid her.

"No, seriously," Alexia continues. "Do you beat her to make her do this? She's got a huge bruise on her thigh! I doubt a piece of furniture could do that."

Bronze turns to me, raising an eyebrow. She must understand what she's talking about. She gives me a silly smile before turning to Alexia, crossing her arms.

"Oh really? How big?"

"At least this big!" Alexia gestures a circle on her own thigh with her hands.

"It must hurt a lot."

The bitch! She's mocking me! She must see my change in attitude because she gets serious and ends the conversation.

"Okay, you can go eat. We'll see each other later. Oh, and Ona," she calls as I head towards the door. "I run after lunch too, if you'd like some company," she offers.

"Alright, I guess."

We exchange a smile before I leave with Alexia. It doesn't take long for her to burst into laughter.

"Oh, damn! You should've seen your face!"

"Stop. It's not funny."

"Oh, yes it is!"

She puts her arm around my shoulders to keep from falling over, laughing so hard. I shake my head, looking up, exasperated by her behavior. I still let her contagious laughter get to me.

"You're really a lost cause, Putellas!"

"No more than you. We make a good pair!"

In high spirits, we head to the cafeteria. The meal goes as usual, except that I leave earlier. I don't know why, but I felt motivated today. I want to take care of myself, and besides, I discovered through Bronze's punishments that running helps clear my head. So, with my earphones and phone in my pocket, I head to the football field. Bronze wasn't lying about running. She's already there. Maybe she does this every morning. I used to wish she could be in my place during my punishments, but I regret it bitterly now. It's clear she has no endurance issues. She has a pace I'll never match. I approach her to join her. She stops with a slightly labored breath. Good God, it's nothing compared to mine. I can compare myself to an ox next to her.

"What got into you to want to run in the morning?"

"I don't know," I shrug. "I just felt like it," I say, taking my phone out of my pocket.

"Uh-uh. You know it's forbidden outside your room. Put it away if you don't want me to confiscate it."

"How about a little exception...?" I try.

"No. The rules remain the same."

I sigh, putting it back in my pocket. Oh well. At least I tried. I wouldn't want her to confiscate it since I use it every day.

"Well, are we going or are you chickening out?"

"Go ahead, I can't keep up with your pace."

"I intended to match yours. Come on, let's go!"

I start running without complaining. Here we go for my first jogging session. Bronze matches my pace, running alongside me. She even stops when I can't keep going.

"I'm slowing you down," I say between breaths.

"I run almost every day, Ona. One day like this won't change anything."

"You're really crazy!"

"In the meantime, I can run for ten minutes without stopping," she mocks.

"Tsss."

I much prefer the supportive supervisor over the one who mocks me. I catch my breath before straightening up.

"By the way, how's your bruise?"

"Oh, well I'm using your ointment."

"How did Alexia see it? It's pretty high on your thigh, isn't it?"

"Yeah. We were talking, and she came to the door when she was ready. I'm used to leaving the door open, so..." I shrug.

"Oh, I see," she smiles. "I thought you didn't like being seen in that position."

"I do, but she caught me off guard."

"Hmm," she smiles. "Alright, let's do one more lap, then we'll stop. You'll be late for class otherwise."

I nod, and we resume our run. Once this lap is done, we each head back to our rooms. I take a quick shower before putting on my uniform. I was quite fast, surprisingly. I still hurry to the school buildings when I see the time. I'm on the verge of being late. I take advantage of the empty halls, with no instructors around, to run. I reach my hallway just as I see my classroom door closing. Damn... There's a 99% chance I won't be let in. I still knock on the door.

"Miss Batlle, what a surprise," my teacher says sarcastically.

"Sorry for being late."

"Go apologize to the instructors. I'm not allowed to let you in."

I sigh heavily. Same story as always. I'm getting fed up. I feel like I'm the only one treated this way.

"Just admit you don't want to," I grumble. "It would be easier to let me in than to send me away!"

"Batlle!"

Oh no... Just what I needed. I look behind me, where Bronze is coming down the hall. I bite my lip, watching her approach. I haven't seen her like this in a long time. She has every right to be angry. I just raised my voice in the hall. At my teacher, no less. If there's one thing she can't stand, it's when I don't listen or disrespect the educators. He didn't respect me either, but I doubt she'll care about that. She reaches us and looks at us both in turn.

"What happened this time?"

"Late, as usual," my teacher explains. "You should teach her to be on time."

"But damn! You just closed the door!" I burst out, gesturing wildly. "You haven't even started your lesson yet! Would it really kill you to let me in?"

"Batlle!" my supervisor shouts.

"No, but Bronze, seriously!" I say, turning to her. "He's had a problem with me from the start!"

"Apologize."

"Excuse me!?" I ask, stunned.

"I've told you before not to speak to an educator like that. Now apologize."

I look at her for a moment. Her words were firm. She won't let me go until it happens because she hates it when I act like this. I feel like a defiant child, as she says. She crosses her arms impatiently. It's a lot to ask. I'm not sure I can do it. But I know she'll get mad if I don't. Deciding to be better is tough. I roll my eyes, turning to my teacher.

"Please excuse my behavior," I concede.

My teacher doesn't hide his surprise. He certainly didn't expect me to do it. If someone else had asked, I wouldn't have. He ignores me and looks at Bronze behind me.

"Well, you have quite an influence on her. You're the only one. »

"The least you could do is accept my apologies," I grumbled.

"Ona, that's enough."

"What? It's true!"

"Enough, I said!"

I averted my eyes from hers, which were very cold, not forgetting to mumble. After more than a month, I still felt impressed by her. I crossed my arms, not caring if anyone saw me pouting like a child. It was certain that I wouldn't listen to my teacher. If Bronze had any influence over me, it was only because she took the time to understand me.

"Fine, I'll take her with me."

I sighed as I heard her. I was going to be punished again and miss two hours of class. I wanted to get my weekend pass, but it was ruined from the first day.

"And to answer you, sir, it's called mutual respect. You should try it; it works quite well when it's reciprocal. It starts with accepting the apologies of a young girl who put her pride aside to offer them to you."

I was speechless. I wasn't the only one, it seemed. I never imagined she would defend me in such circumstances. My teacher barely nodded.

"Hopefully, it won't happen again. Thank you for taking her with you."

I bitterly laughed and turned around without waiting for Bronze. I knew the way to her office. I preferred to get ahead to calm down before saying things I would regret. At least I was glad she managed to shut that poor idiot up with just a few sentences. I still couldn't believe Bronze had taken my side. No one had done that for a long time. After all, I was the one who always caused trouble.

"Old coot, what a jerk," I muttered under my breath. "He won't get away with this."

"Ona," Bronze called out to me.

I stopped when I felt a pressure on my arm. I turned around to face my supervisor who had caught up with me.

"What?" I snapped. "I promise I was on time! He closed the door just as I arrived in the hallway. He hadn't even started his class yet; he could have let me in! But no, as usual, he greeted me with one of his inappropriate remarks and didn't even acknowledge my apologies. I was being nice, I'm really trying, but how can I manage when they all despise me and talk to me like that? I feel like the worst student! It's no wonder I get upset after that!"

"Calm down, will you?"

I caught my breath after this long monologue. I had vented easily again. I felt lighter after talking but also uncomfortable when I met her stern gaze. I couldn't blame her. I knew she had no choice but to take me with her. I just couldn't stand being disrespected anymore. I was tired of being put down everywhere despite my efforts.

"I really wanted to have a clean week so I could go home this weekend," I admitted, lowering my head. "It's already ruined because of that jerk teacher."

"Watch your language!" she reprimanded me. "You really need to stop talking like that. If you had let me get a word in instead of getting angry, I could have negotiated your entrance. But your behavior left me no choice but to take you with me."

"Sorry, it was too much for me," I sighed. "He really annoyed me. They always annoy me by reacting like that. It's like they think I'm worthless!"

"He's close to retirement, Ona," she chuckled. "It's normal for him to be strict about the rules. They have orders not to accept students after the door is closed. I know you're not worthless. You've proven that to me, and now it's your turn to prove it to them. You won't do that by playing their game."

I crossed my arms and puffed out my cheeks. I was sad that she was right. Others' opinions mattered to me. I had acted like an idiot. I had really wanted to surprise Joan by coming home this weekend. I wanted to make up for my last return, which had penalized him. I walked by her side as she resumed walking. She patted my shoulder amicably.

"There's no point in sulking. You'll think twice before acting next time. Now I need to find something for you to do for the next two hours."

I smiled slightly. It felt like she knew my schedule by heart. Well, it's not very complicated given the number of hours I've missed to spend time with her.

"If you stay out of trouble for the rest of the week, I'll support your efforts so you can go out this weekend. That way, I can also have my weekend."

"Oh, thank you... By the way, are you okay?"

"Am I okay? Yes, why?"

"No, I mean... Regarding the recent event in your life... You know..."

I tried to make her understand without saying it. I knew she didn't like talking about private matters in public places. You never know who might be around. If someone knew I was aware of her romantic situation, it wouldn't be good. She frowned before understanding.

"Oh! Oh yes, don't worry. In fact, I don't really have time to think about it with you and the other students," she admitted to me. "It's like it didn't even happen. I'll think about it during my first free weekend. I'm supposed to return her things that she left at my place."

"I thought you were living together."

"No, not at all, and she doesn't have the keys to my apartment either."

"Why? You must be old enough to live with someone, right?"

"Well, my job doesn't allow me to be home much. She asked me to move in with her, but I didn't want to. I prefer having a place of my own to go to after leaving here rather than always going to my girlfriend's place on weekends."

"I understand."

"Well, we have two hours to chat while going through my files. We have some organizing to do, so let's get to it."

I sighed at her motivation. Well, I couldn't complain because she was really lenient with her punishment. I could have been doing laps around the field instead of going to her office. She must still be behind schedule because of my detox, otherwise, she wouldn't be working on a Saturday morning.

"Hey, Luce."

"Don't call me that here," she scolded me with a stern look. "And Luce, seriously? Only my close friends call me that."

"Sorry," I giggled. "I thought it sounded nice. I just wanted to say thank you."

She simply smiled. It's not like me to thank people, so I was glad she didn't make one of her joking remarks. I wanted her to know I was grateful. After all, I owed her a lot. We arrived at her office, which was empty for once. It was very rare. It was even the first time I hadn't seen Ingrid here. Bronze let me settle into my place while she turned on the lights and opened the shutters.

"Ingrid's not here?"

"No, she has the day off," she replied, turning around. "Get up; you’re not going to sit for two hours," she said, pointing to the storage cabinets.

"I like Ingrid," I commented as I stood up. "She's quite nice, unlike you."

"If you prefer, I can have you scrub the toilets. Then you'll understand what being mean really is."

I giggled, not expecting such a reaction. It seemed my little joke didn't please her. But her reaction was worth it.

"Oh, don't take it like that, Bronze. I was joking! You're very nice, and you're my favorite instructor. I'm lucky to have you all to myself."

"Stop sucking up."

"It's not sucking up; it's the simple truth."

"Hmm," she replied, handing me a binder. "Get to work, Batlle."

"So, the last name is back?"

"Shut up and organize."

"Wow, I really upset the commander."

I stopped when I realized she wasn't playing anymore. She left me to manage while she turned on her computer. Well, it seemed I would be the only one doing the organizing. I grumbled as I got to work. I didn't mean to be mean. I hoped she didn't take it the wrong way. She only gave me attention after half an hour.

"Do you have plans this weekend for wanting to go home?"

"Sorry?"

"You said earlier that you wanted a clean week to get your weekend pass."

"Oh, not really. I want to make my sister happy as she's waiting for me patiently, and it's also for you."

"For me?" she asked, perplexed.

"Yes. With everything you've done for me, I want to show you that I can behave well. And you deserve a weekend after being here for two weeks because of me."

"I don't mind being here with you. You make me forget my disastrous life. Being stuck here means I don't have time to think about it."

"Your life is far from as disastrous as mine," I chuckled. "A breakup shouldn't put you in such a state. Personally, I'm already dreading the confrontation with my mother."

I turned around when I got no response. I found her staring at me without really showing any emotion. I started thinking about our conversation the other night, at the climbing wall. Maybe I judged her too quickly. She must also have her past and her reasons for not wanting to get attached to people. We might not be so different after all.

"You'll manage to get over your fear of attachment when you find the right person," I said.

"And you’re saying that? You're in the same situation as me, and I know you don't mean a word of it."

"Me? It's true that I don't mean a word of it," I chuckled. "I preferred drowning in drugs to escape at the time."

"That's not very smart."

« It allowed me to forget. Plus, it’s pretty cool to get high."

"I find it stupid. Drugs don't make life better. They just trap you in a world you think is happiness."

I wondered how we always ended up talking about one of my taboo subjects. I had just come out of detox. All my recent questions started haunting me again. I still didn't know how I ended up like this. I raised my head when I heard her chuckle. She stared straight into my eyes, unsettling me even more than I already was.

"You're such a coward, Batlle. As soon as someone mentions something that touches you deeply, you run away."

"Yes, I'm a coward! So what?" I snapped.

"Nothing, I just wanted to hear you say it."

She smiled in amusement. I didn't need her to add to my frustration. I hated talking about topics that hit close to home. It's not hard to understand, right?! She got up and walked towards me. I ignored her and went back to work. I was surprised to feel her hands on my shoulders.

"Relax, Ona," she said softly. "I just want you to understand that I don't want you to touch drugs again. You deserve much better than wallowing in your past. »Here is the English translation of the provided text:

"What do you know about it?" I replied, lowering my head to my feet. "You don't know what I've been through or what drove me to do it. Besides, I just came out of another withdrawal."

"Withdrawal that isn't your fault. I know it mustn't be easy for you. I'm not asking you to talk about it, but I want you to know that I'm here if you ever want to confide."

"What do you know about it not being my fault? I don't even know it myself! I don't remember anything from that night!" I shouted, angry at myself.

"Who says it wasn't me? Who says I won't relapse one day?!"

I blurt out the questions that deeply distress me. I have tears in my eyes. I'm so afraid of the answers. Even though I feel like I can resist, everything was called into question the moment I found myself in that bathroom with that elastic around my arm. I don't know if I'm to blame, and it scares me. I realize I'm sobbing only when Bronze's arm wraps around my shoulders. She pulls me closer, pressing me against her chest.

"Shh, calm down. Why didn't you tell me about this earlier? You can't doubt yourself like that. If you don't have confidence in yourself, know that I have confidence in you. You won't relapse, I guarantee it."

"You shouldn't," I said between sniffles. "The others are right about me. I'm just a worthless nobody."

"Hey, I forbid you to say that. Turn around and look at me."

I shook my head. There was no way I was letting her see me like this. She sighed and came around herself. She took my binder from my hands and put it back in its place. I closed my eyes as she wiped my tears away with her thumbs.

"I don't understand how a girl like you can undervalue herself so much."

I shrugged, not knowing what to say. I felt ashamed for breaking down like that in front of Bronze. She surprised me by pulling me into her arms. I clung desperately to her T-shirt, letting myself lean against her shoulder. I would have preferred to hide my true nature from her, but it's no longer possible to show her the strong girl that I'm not.

"Alright, Ona, let's make a deal, just between us."

I pulled back slightly after recovering from my emotions. How could she talk about a deal in such a situation? She smiled gently and wiped my eyes again with her thumbs.

"If you come back here even once in withdrawal, I promise you that I will forbid you from leaving the school. No more permissions, no more outings with classes, nothing. You can say goodbye to your little sister and your best friend until the end of the year. Am I clear?"

I blinked several times. Was she threatening me? I was in shock. Of course, she was threatening me. She's not known for having pity.

"I told you," she continued. "I trust you. If I'm making this deal, it's so you can prove to yourself that you can do it and prove to me that I'm not wrong. Anyway, if you come back in that state, I'll make you regret it so you'll learn the lesson once and for all."

"Okay... It's a deal. No more drugs..."

She held out her hand to finalize our deal, as we always did. I stared at it for a long time before shaking it without much conviction. I had no choice but to accept. I didn't understand why she was so determined to help me. I'm not worth it. She trusts me. It's up to me not to disappoint her. With everything she's doing for me, I don't have the right. I promised myself to change, and this is a big part of it.

"Give me a pile, I'll help you finish."

I swallowed my tears and weakly smiled at her, handing her my stack of papers. I grabbed a new one for myself. This girl really wants to change me. She only wants what's best for me. It's up to me to put in the effort and succeed.

Monday, November 9; 9:30 PM - Ona and Alexia's Room

It's the first time we're ending the evening in our room, and that's not a bad thing. I'm lying on my bed while Ale is on hers. The others are in the common room playing foosball. We didn't feel like joining, so we decided to come up after dinner.

"And this morning with Bronze? We haven't talked about it since. Was she very angry about your behavior this morning?"

I knew the subject of Bronze hadn't come up yet today. They always ask me for a debrief of my day with her when something happens. It's surprising she didn't ask earlier. Besides, she witnessed the scene, unlike the others. The story didn't spread too much this time because the boys weren't informed in advance for once.

"No, it's fine... We... We talked for a long time," I said hesitantly.

"Oh really?"

"Yeah."

"About what?"

"About how I feel like the teachers despise me and how it infuriates me every time. She told me to behave in a way that would change their minds."

"She didn't get angry?"

"No, not really. She was understanding. I just had to do some tidying up, that's all. She makes me do that all the time lately. I think I'm helping her catch up on what she missed because of my week of withdrawal."

"It seems like she's calmer with you compared to the beginning."

"Hum, I don't know. I'm calmer too."

"That's true."

I smiled, thinking back to the beginning. I've come a long way in a month. Never in my life would I have imagined crying or talking about such a taboo subject with Bronze. I feel like she's the only one who cares about me.

"I'm afraid I won't get permission to go out this weekend because of this morning," I confided.

"There's a good chance, given that Wiegman didn't like your behavior last week."

"Bronze said she would help me get out if I don't break any more rules. I hope she succeeds... I would like to go out..."

"Really? Surprising!"

"Yeah... I'm glad. It would do me good."

"It looks like it's not just you who's changing," she laughed.

"What do you mean?" I frowned.

"Bronze is changing too since you arrived. She would never have done that before! I feel like there's a strong bond forming between you two. I'm sure she really cares about you deep down, and it seems mutual."

"It's just that she's starting to figure me out. She knows where to hit to make me react and to hurt me too. It bothers me sometimes, but it's very effective."

"It's good if she's helping you. The most important thing is that it's effective. That's why we're here, after all," she shrugged. "You seem to have a lot of respect for her now, and that's good."

Oh yes, I do have a lot of respect for her. No one has ever stood up to me the way she does. Just for that, I take my hat off to her. She's also the only one who trusts me, as she has repeatedly told me. That means a lot to me. It makes me happy that at least one person on earth believes in me.

"So you're going home this weekend?" she changed the subject.

"I hope so... It would be great for my brother. I heard he's taken over my role at home," I laughed, shaking my head. "I was the one causing trouble, and now it's him because of my departure, which he probably can't stand."

"Seriously?" she laughed. "Mini Batlle is rebelling. He needs to be careful not to end up here later!"

"He's only six," I laughed. "He has time to get a grip."

"Only six?! I thought he was older! How come there's such an age gap?"

"He's just my half-brother. He's adorable. I feel guilty that he's becoming like this because of me. That's why I want to go home more often."

"Aww! But he must be so cute then! Don't you have a picture?"

"I should have one," I laughed.

I took my phone out of my drawer. I've become very independent of it since I got here. I don't really need it because I keep myself busy in other ways. I saw some messages from Mapi, but I ignored them. I'll reply later. In the meantime, I searched through my photos. I didn't have many, and most were with Joan or Mapi. I had done a massive cleanup before coming here. Alexia sat on my bed. I showed her several photos. There was one where Joan was on my back. Several photos scrolled by until we came across one where Mapi was with us on my bed. I took the opportunity to tell her that Mapi was my ex since she didn't know yet. She admitted that I had very good taste in girls.If Mapi knew, she'd brag about it. She kept commenting on each photo, making me laugh with most of her remarks.

"Who would have thought you had such a big heart for a little six-year-old boy."

"Hey, I'm not made of stone either!" I retorted. "But I admit he's undoubtedly my weakness."

"It shows in the photos. He looks adorable."

"I'll introduce him to you someday."

"That'll be tough, but I'm glad you imply that we'll stay in touch."

"Of course we'll stay in touch," I said, smiling.

This comment seemed to please her more than I had imagined. We talked a bit more about our classes before taking turns showering. We just managed to be ready for bed by curfew. It's become a routine now. I can finally close my eyes after this action-packed and emotional day.

4

[whentherewerebicycles]

Hi! I love your blog, I love reading about your life and specially Owen updates! I'm also a teacher. It's been eight years. I started with teaching English language and literature at a school to O1 and O2 students. After a couple of years I was offered a course by my supervisor at the university since I was also enrolled in M. Phil. I taught there as a teaching assistant but it's a contract based job and you can only continue that for 3 yrs. The contract doesn't renew after this limit. I've been teaching as visiting faculty after that but it doesn't pay well so finally I've decided to go back to school teaching and have a permanent job. Now I seem to have two options and this is where I want your advice. One option is that I go back to the same school where I started. They'll easily give me the same role and likely promote me after a year or two. The second option is that I get a job at another school in my area which pays better but right now they only have vacancy for grade 7. This option means that I'll have to adjust my teaching methods and all to the needs of a younger audience. Im not the least excited to teach kids this age since there won't be much room for critical thinking and discussion of complex ideas. Also there will be no guarantee of a promotion. One of the perks apart from a good salary there would be that if I'm appointed I can have my kid study at this expensive school for free. Which option do you think is better? Is there anything I'm overlooking here? I'll be really grateful for your help!

hello! honestly, it sounds like both options are good and it might come down to which of these factors are most important to you / best for your quality of life, work satisfaction, and long-term plans. so school 1 is same school teaching older kids, school 2 is new school teaching younger kids.

i think if you are not really excited about teaching younger kids at school 2 (and if there doesn't seem to be much potential to do that for a bit then switch back to teaching older kids at school 2), that might be a sign to go with your gut and choose school 1 since oyu already know you find the work fulfilling. i'm also curious: if you go back to school 1 and get promoted within a year or two, is there any chance the promotion would come with a pay increase that would bring your salary closer to what school 2 is offering? if so, then it might not matter that much overall that school 2 offers an initially higher salary, if you're going to be stuck at that salary without an option to move up. but if pay is likely to remain the same at school 1, maybe that's a wash, and you will just have to decide how much that salary difference matters to your overall financial security/quality of life. i took a $13k annual pay decrease to leave my previous (government) job and take my current job, and that was a big adjustment, especially with a kid! it also means i have to work a second job tutoring to cover my expenses. ultimately making the change was worth it to me because i find the work in my current role so much more fulfilling... but in your case, if the work is going to be about the same and making more money would materially improve your life/ease financial strain, that's worth taking into account.

the perk re: your kid enrolling at the school 2 is also something to think about. if you didn't take the job, would your kid attend a (free) public school or would you have to pay for a private school? if you'd have to pay school fees elsewhere, then it might be worth it in the long run to choose free tuition even if you are a little less thrilled with the work. if your kid would have free schooling regardless, then that doesn't matter quite as much.

another thought: if you do go with school 2 for financial reasons, you might be surprised to find you enjoy teaching younger students! it would obviously be different and would require some upfront work in terms of adapting your pedagogy or rethinking your curriculum, but i've found that working with students across different ages gives me a more nuanced understanding of the longer arc of child development / learning. also, if google is correct, it sounds like year 7 is about equivalent to middle school in the US (around age 11-12ish). the middle school teachers i know here LOVE teaching middle school - there are a lot of challenges but they report that the kids are hilariously quirky and weird and hormonal and awkward and sweet, and you might discover that you can do engaging work there even if it's quite different than working with university students or advanced high school students.

ok and last thought: you know what school 1 is like and it seems like school 1 would be delighted to have you back. so if you wanted to try school 2 (to see if you like teaching younger kids, or to see if the pay bump makes a meaningful difference in your life), you could do that for a year or two and then return to school 1 the next time they have an opening. i have found that when i'm making big life decisions it helps me to remind myself that i'm not necessarily making a decision about what the whole rest of my life/career will look like - i'm usually just deciding what the next couple years will look like, and i can always pivot if it turns out the change wasn't what i wanted.

i hope that helps!! i honestly don't think you can go wrong here (and neither choice is necessarily permanent), so good luck making the decision!

[underturnedapplecart]

I'd write this kind of thing to my best friend but it feels like she doesn't want to hear from me anymore.

I hope she does, I miss our friendship. Being besties is important to me. I want to go back to being best friends.

I woke up this morning feeling all tingly and electric. I didn't want to move. I did enough to log into my desktop then collapsed into the not couch. I think Thursday for injections makes sense so I can take Friday off, and feel the tingliness over the weekend.

I received my TrueStim in the mail today. It's a completely wireless TENS unit, and even came with a belt with reusable non-sticky pads. It was neat to walk around and not have any wires while getting zapped.

I'll have to charge both ends of the wirelessness, and I'm sure the elastic will wear out on the AcuBelt eventually. I also have little sticky hands that attach to the stimulation puck, so I can use those too if I want a wider spread or a placement different from what the belt does.

There was an email from my supervisor saying a few housekeeping things. I think, he has two new examiners and he didn't realize he needed to say these things out loud, or that they would even be a problem.

He said that anyone taking more than two days sick needs a doctor's note. I hate the doctor's note policy, it's classist. But also, getting a note from the doctor is never straightforward: doctors don't automatically hand them out, and usually if someone is more than two days sick, they have only just decided to see a doctor.

I debated scanning and sending my recovery instructions, but I can't find them. My sick days fell before today anyway, he's just going to have to deal, and I'm going to have to switch to "Working while sick" mode if I ever have three days of illness.

(Truthfully, today is ALSO a "Working while sick" day, but since my job is work from home, I'll keep plugging in for fifteen minutes.)

He also said, in that email, that all amendments have to be posted by the 2nd Tuesday of the biweek, and all new cases by Thursday of the biweek.

Today is Friday, so I am not allowed to post a case today. Even if I get one done. So no matter how much work I get done today, I cannot submit.

I don't like this rule. When I finish a case on Friday, I want to submit it. I don't expect credit the same day I submit. I want it on my reviewer's desk first thing Monday morning, and I expect credit the following week.

So instead: I am supposed to work on cases and then let them sit on my virtual desk, and make sure to submit them early Monday morning instead. Just so no one THINKS I'm trying to squeeze in credit under a deadline.

It leaves me with very little incentive to complete work today, because I can't hand it in. I will finish it, if I can, and submit on Monday. I still need minimum two cases a biweek. So this will be case one for next biweek. Would be nice to finish it early.

But on that note, I might be taking every other Friday off again, just for the sake of "They don't expect to hear from me anyway!"

Final note: my back hurts. I hope it starts hurting less soon. Can you imagine what it would be like if I could have a day with less pain, able to plan and participate in the world more fully and not hindered by the fogginess of ouches? I hope next week is a good one.

[indigo474]

3/30/24- Easter eve

i had a good week in the office. good=productive. I hardly have a team. 6- 1 comes back on Monday. the company is minimizing OT so most have off during the week-a few are working under 40. I had to do a lot in regards to the division I oversee.. talks with the GM and the service supervisor who a few weeks ago was gunning for me over an email- this week he was calling me sweetie.. someone overheard me on the phone with him and handed me a note saying he's ON today. When I hung up she said I think he drinks.. I think I had a good week work wise but its hard to tell- I showed up and did my best -

James switched up my workouts. Monday and Tuesday- i'm back to back squatting which I kind of like. Push-pull- by Tuesday I was sore- expected - wed I wanted to run at the park but it rained so I couldn't which was probably a good thing because I was still sore- its kind of nice coming home and catching up on things around here. Thursday I went to the gym and lifted a little- it was crowded.. I didn't do a few things I was supposed to because I didn't want to wait for the machines- I showed up so I'm gonna take it as a win.. so Friday all I can think about is running at the park- I checked the weather and no rain so yeah- I was feeling so good and looking forward to running so much that I planned on increasing the time by about another 10 minutes or so which would have meant I would be running for over an hour so I had to get there early.. I get up, have coffee and get up off the chair i'm sitting on and my back locks up.. I have no idea why. I tried stretching it was really stiff. I made myself get dressed with the hope that it would just go away.. I took motrin and decided that I was still going to the park because at this point I really needed to clear my head -maybe I cant run, but I can walk. I walked for a bit and did run a little. My back was on and off all day. I took a heating pad to work and took tylenol and Motrin. By last night it was fine and I was able to run today- I didn't up my time. I plan on running tomorrow so maybe tomorrow. I'm not sure why is going on and i'm not freaking out- totally random.. maybe? i don't know. sometimes I think things happen to remind me that i am not in control.

My mom came over Wednesday and was incredibly mean. I won't be spending Easter with her and I am Ok with that. I'm thinking Easter isn't my holiday. she was putting down where i live and kept telling me i was just like my father. When she was here last we had a conversation about my decision to not drink alcohol. we had a conversation. she has never purchased alcohol for me-NEVER-she hands me a bottle of wine and tells me she went to a special place to get it-i'm not supposed to get upset- but I do and she leaves and i'm glad and I wont be cooking Easter dinner and could I have handled it better- probably- I cant be around people who cant act right.

Madison has declared she does not celebrate Easter.

I have cutback on my caffeine consumption- I have a feeling it may have been contributing to the anxiety I was feeling. the amount of coffee I was drinking was crazy. I'm limiting myself to 2 cups per day, 1 energy drink and tea, Still a lot but not as much.. maybe.

[boyfhee]

hii, im asking like a bunch of writers for an opinion on this ! im 13 ( ‘10 ) nn looking 2 become a writer on here but i like told one of friends n they were like “ no u probably shouldn't, ure kinda young ” personally i don't see a problem as ill be respecting boundaries of like adults n stuff like that doesn't want minors on their blog, won't be interacting with nsfw works at all nn be in like my own lil corner w ppl that r comfy w a 13 turning 14yro interacting w them and stuff, so is my friend right orr am i able to write nd stuff on here ?

hello ^_^ personally, 13 does seem like a young age for me to be on internet but that's probably because personal experience. truthfully, i have seen even younger people here so i'm just going to let you decide if you want your age to be a factor to decide whether you should be writing online or not.

the same goes with the respecting boundaries and stuff— it's a good thing. however, again, all we can do is warn and block if someone crosses the line because i have seen minors reading nsfw, even writing nsfw and that too for minors. the tags are flooded with smuts, no matter which fandom. i've seen a few people leave before it was overwhelming. at some point, in one of the previous fandoms i used to write for, works stopped gaining much attention if they weren't nsfw and i've had three of 'sfw only' blogs switch to write nsfw. blocking the tags does the work, but the choice is yours. you are your own supervisor.

and here's the worst part— plagiarism and hate anons. you can't do much about plagiarism except cross your fingers and hope it doesn't happen to you. as for hate anons and asks, it's completely unprovoked and baseless ( most of the time ) there have been blogs who got hate and death threats because they didn't like what was being written. there's a terrible habit of some readers feeling they're entitled to works being posted regularly.

i hope this never happens to you, but things get worse and worse and i am saying this from what i've seen here in three years, across three fandoms. not to mention, some people create and drag others in drama, this was so worse during the covids, many people left. mentally, it gets exhausting to see hate and drama in your ask box every day. it doesn't happen to everyone, but you never know who's the unlucky one.

tumblr can be a terrible place but if as a 13 year old, you think you will be able to handle this and deal with it accordingly, though i hope it never happens to you, you're very much welcomed in the writing community and i hope you have a pleasant experience. ( this is so long bye )

[missspringthyme]

February 23rd, 2024

Didn't wake up that early, but I had enough time to do ~some~ of the morning routine I'm trying to build. I also sat and did a steam for a bit because I have some 2 very angry cystic pimples on my chin that do not want to go away. Can someone please actually research treatments for hormonal problems in women? I don't want to go back to taking 2 birth control pills on top of my iud.

Also, when I went to pull the chain on my blinds half of it came out of the ceiling. I'm not looking forward to having someone come in to fix it because that means I won't be able to be in my room and I'll have to make sure my rooms clean. At my last flat, I had the shelf that hung over the bed fall down and my curtain rods come out of the walls. Either I don't know my own strength, or I need to stop living in places with soft walls and humidity.

Because I did the steam I did run late to my meeting with my supervisor, but that ended up being fine. It was a really long one, I think around 3ish hours, where he walked us through how to process the behavioural and eeg data. One step closer to being a neuroscience queen who can put 'matlab' on her resume. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, although I'm really glad I wrote out step by step instructions for myself even though he told me I didn't have to. The amount of effort it takes me to look like I know what I'm doing is something he will never know. As I predicted, he's the type to over explain the most basic concepts while breezing past the complicated ones. I'll have to watch out for that, but at least now I have some actual work to do! I'll be processing 16 resting state datasets. Hooray! That's legitimately not sarcastic, if you give something vague like 'explore MATLAB' I will end up frozen doing nothing.

There's something about his theory of timing that just seems off to me. I try to think of at least one question a meeting that kinda picks at it a little, but he seems mostly set in his ideas. I can understand that, but I find it interesting how simple an answer he's looking for. Today I asked him if he feels that 'good timers' would have corresponding neural oscillations, what would he expect to see in these so called good timers when exposed to timing distortions instead of his current method of oddball rhythms. I guess he has to prove the existence of good timers first, eh?

On the bus ride home I sat next to a guy who smelled uniquely bad. Part of it was weed, part of it was something I have difficulty describing. I swear I saw the other guy I sat next to shoot me a warning glance before I sat down. This is partially why I don't want to smoke weed (or own a cat, for that matter). I feel like stoners eventually stop noticing.

At home, I made a big pot of lentil soup and then talked with the Australians, Spanish neighbor, and German American. Spanish neighbor or finished reading Breeding with Bigfoot and had full annotated notes for me, which was a treasure. I say "listen, listen" a lot while holding up a finger apparently, so authentic australian has begun to tease me for it. Now whenever I do it, people do it back to me or say "we're listening". I've decided to try and switch to "hear me!"

[puppygirlsounding]

I might finally go ballistic today

I have no patience left for my job at this point, and might be well on my way to losing it now. The fact this all comes after reblogging those posts clowning on awful work culture really is quite ironic. I was already deeply worn, practically hollowed out emotionally by the switch to my current supervisor. My original supervisor was moved to a different position because he didn't feel the need to fire people en masse for being absent when health problems arose. So now this callous drip pan for a brain who supervises me is putting my life at risk by writing me up. With a system my work uses to track these write ups, that can be used as reason to fire me whenever they feel like. I haven't even missed more than a single shift's worth of hours. This is literally the only job I can do nowadays. I got my apartment where I did because I can't afford a car or constant Uber rides. Even making $18 an hour at this place I'm barely scraping by because I'm living alone, I have no extra support. I walk to work every shift, my city is as car centric as Houston. Even if I could find another job that pays like this I wouldn't be able to walk to it like I can now. So now I have to decide if I want to roll the dice and show up wearing my honest feelings on my face, or swallow my vitriol and grovel for forgiveness

I don't just think I want a complete upheaval of these systems anymore

I would be ecstatic to have a shot at these greedy manipulative cunts even if it killed me at this point. Because whether I get that shot or not it might get me anyways.

[kitashinsukehoney]

"I didn't sign up to be disrespected by someone i lowered my standard for"

TW: Angst, Mentioning their ex's name, Miscarriage, Bodyshames.

Character: Iwaizumi Hajime, Oikawa Tooru, Kageyama Tobio, Tsukishima Kei.

Iwaizumi.

- Both of you are colleagues at the designing company and started dating for the last 5 years.

- Both of you are always ready to get married but you two have to work to make sure your marriage life is stable enough.

- One day, you have a meeting with a male client who needs your help to choose designs for his house. It takes you three months straight to work for this project and when you managed to get the promotion for the worthy project, you are happy but you don't know how jealous Iwaizumi is.

"Honey, I'm home!!", you said as you take off your heels and walked inside the dark living room. But no one is answering you. You decided to celebrate this day for you getting the promotion and you even buy lots of dinners to share with him. You switch on the light and look around.

As you thought Iwaizumi is not home yet, you started to prepare the dinner on the table until you heard a girl's voice. "It's tickling, darling!", the voice echos through the house. "Is it from the house next door? Weird, but the voice sounds so near..",you mumbled to yourself. You put down your knife, and walk around the house to find the source of the voice.

While you were walking to reach your bedroom's doorknob, the door opened and revealed Iwaizumi. He is half naked and his whole expression is so surprised by your presence. "Baby?", he called you. "You're home? I thought no one was home", you said to him. You tried to hug him as you missed him so much until a girl opened the door wide and your heart feels like it's going to burst out. "Oh, hi, Y/N!", the girl greeted you with her only wearing a lingerie.

"What the hell...?", you backed off from both of them. "What have you done, Iwaizumi?", you called him by his first name. "I'm sorry, Y/N. But you spend so much time with your so called male client. I bet you slept with him and moaned his name every night", he accused you. You slapped his face so hard that you feel like you could grab his hair and screams how much you hate him now.

"I fucking worked so hard to get the supervisor position for our marriage sake because I'm so in love to have you as my partner in life and my future kids' father. Now that you fucking up my dreams like you fucked your ex girlfriend now on our bed, congratulations!", you said to him.

"Listen here, Y/N. I didn't lowered my standard for someone who can treat me like I'm just a side manwhore for you. At least Aika is better than you!", he yelled at you back.

"Ohh really?? Then, should I say that she is the future wife of the client that you said I slept with? She's just using you, Iwaizumi. Now that you make me hate you, just to let you know, first you are toxic and lastly, you only talking bout big game until you naked."

You pushed both of them, packed all of your things, and before you leave, you said your final words.

" You grossed me out when you fucked me, Hajime."

Oikawa.

- Both of you met when he had his preliminary event in Brazil and you were one of the audiences.

- He is the one who confessed to you after three months trying to get you, so you just accepted him.

- One day, you found out that you are pregnant his child for 2 months. So you decided to keep it as a secret until he arrives home from Argentina until next month.

You picked him up from the airport but his face looked so exhausted. "Baby, do you want me to bring you to spa? Do you want to have some therapeutical sessions?", you asked him but your eyes are stick on the road. "No, i just want to get home.", he said. You thought he probably having a homesick mood so you drive home without stopping anywhere.

Once you arrived home, you helped him to unpack his luggage and do his laundry. He lays on the bed, trying to sleep. You decided to cook some food for him and when the time reached 7pm, you opened the bedroom door and wake him up. He scowled and pushed you so hard that you fell down. "Go fucking away. Why you are so caring about me? I don't need you to rub all your loves to me 24/7.",he said. "Why are you being such a bitch today, Tooru?", you told him, trying to stand up until you feel something wet between your thighs.

"Tch, listen here Y/N, i didn't lowered my standard for someone who is so clingy and at least Nanako gives me enough space to breath.", he said.

"Oikawa...Maybe I'm too late to tell you this, but I'm pregnant your child.",you said. Oikawa slowly turned his head to look at you, smiled until he sees you on the floor with blood trickling down your thighs.

"OMG, Y/N! I AM SORRY.", he said, when he finally panicked. God knows how he wish he could turn back time. You started to cry and whispered to him, "You killed our baby...You killed them, Oikawa. That's your baby too, killer", you cried. You walked slowly, grabbing the car key and your phone and purse but Oikawa swooped you up. He rushed you to the hospital and the emergency department handles you. After 26 minutes, the doctor comes out from the ward and looked at Oikawa. The doctor doesn't have to tell him anything because he can heard you, yelling out of frustration, "NOO, WHY ARE YOU TAKING AWAY MY BABY! NOOO!", your voice cracked but only mothers who lost their precious babies can relate.

Oikawa didn't dare to meet you until your parents come to visit you and that's how your father slapped him and asked him to leave you. "You don't deserve my daughter, that's why you deserve a place in Hell, you fucking bastard.",your father said to him.

You are grateful with your father's action after what Oikawa has done to you.

Kageyama.

- Both of you met during sport camp event and you two really liked each other.

- One day, you two are meeting his old friends and even his old love is there.

"Hi, this is my girlfriend, Y/N. And Y/N, they are my old friends from primary school. This is Higuchi, Mika, Lia and Furuma.", he introduced you to them.

"Hi, I am Lia. I used to date Kageyama and not gonna lie, I didn't realize he could pull someone pretty like you", Lia said. You smiled and thanked her. "Thank you, Lia. You looked pretty too", you said.

While all of you are having a good conversation, the waiter comes with all of the orders from your table. Suddenly, you accidentally knocked Higuchi's Americano with your elbow and the drink spilled on Lia's white dress. "Oh no, I'm so sorry. I didn't mean it", you said. You tried to wipe her dress until she pushed you away. "I told you, Tobio. I can't believe you lowered your standard when I can be the better one.", Lia suddenly turned into a brat and rolled her eyes when she looked at you. What? You can't believe someone can be so fake. "No wonder you get all those Botoxs all over your body to look good", you mumble. Kageyama who realised the whole situation is worsening, suddenly pull you to follow him.

Both of you get inside the car and he didn't even looked at you. "What is it, Tobio?", you asked him.

"Can you stop creating troubles? I didn't lowered my standard for someone who brings embarrassment to me. Lia is better than you and at least she can tolerate someone.", he said those hurtful words. His fingers clench around the steering wheel and you started to sob. "Fine, I'm sorry I'm not Lia. I am tired with you keep on talking about how you actually embarrassed because of me. Okay, Tobio.",you said. You open the car door, slammed it and walk away. Kageyama just let you go, because he never loved you. You're just his rebound.

Tsukishima.

- This guy? His shitty behaviour. Judgy look, words and everything about him stings.

"Y/N, I didn't lowered my standard for someone to be so ugly. You look like a sack of potatoes wearing that dress. At this point, my lovely Sahiko is cuter", he would keep on repeating those words to you.

You are so damn stupid for still wanting to be with him until one day...you caught him making out with your cousin who is actually Sahiko.

"Aww, sorry for kissing your boyfriend, Y/N. You don't mind we shared right? Plus I can sense he is grossed out with your whole look too", she said.

That night, you break up with Tsukishima and you moved away to Kyoto prefecture. After three months of improving yourself, you managed to lose 12Kg and you even cut your hair to look better. You started to have a better skincare.

You are busy with school as well but manage to take care of yourself until your grandma sends you a letter to come home to attend your aunt's wedding. When you walked into the wedding entrance wearing a red silk dress with both slits at your thighs sides, you managed to make every heart throbs for you. You didn't realize Tsukishima was there and he decided to start a convo with you. "Yo...Y/N? Dawg, you improved yourself a lot", he smirked as his eyes scanned your body up till down. "Oh, please, Kei, keep those eyes away. My visual is not for someone who can't reach my standard.", you laughed. "Stop being such an arrogant chick. You were ugly before too", he cuts you down. "You got the ugly Y/N, your brother gets the gorgeous Y/N", you said. Suddenly, his brother appeared behind you and wrapped his arm around your 26cm waist and kissed your neck. "Oh, Kei chan, you know Y/N?", Akiteru asked him.

"No, he doesn't, darling. He is lost, look a lost puppy~", you said. You then pulled Akiteru and kissed him with your red lips that used to be Kei's. "Fuck, I love you, baby", you whispered to Akiteru but loud enough for Kei to hear.

[krash-and-co]

Kat backstory???👀

*vibrating in excitement* ok get ready for my word vomit that's mostly made up by me because we NEVER LEARN A DAMN THING ABOUT KAT

spoilers for the whole series under cut, just be warned

ok just btw this is based more off of book canon because she acts a bit different in the show :)

so let's start off with her lack of sense of humor. she doesn't even do that cheesy laughing-along-at-a-mean-joke thing that all book and tv bullies do, she kinda just. stands there. Lucy says she's almost uncomfortable, annoyed, when people laugh, cuz she can't tell why. no humor. (and yes I would bring in SHES NEURODIVERGENT because duh everyone ends up headcanoned neurodivergent by me eventually, but that's not the point lol)

so, with a combination of possibly this and her job, she doesn't seem to have many friends, nor is she exactly the life of the party. she seems kinda distant from everyone. no emotions. does not care. but then in hollow boy when Bobby goes missing she reacts quite strongly, and she also mourns the loss of Ned. so clearly these were her friends. she LOVED these people. and that isn't talked about too much in the books; Lucy likes to think she's blank and empty and unattached, which is true, but she also seems to be very loyal to those she loves. and this is where I come in >:)

ok explanation over, here goes my backstory that has very little to do with what was given in canon, as we were not GIVEN much to start

so i fixated on her being close to bobby on that one scene and headcanoned that she had a younger sibling before. a little brother. she was really sweet to him and loved him a ton, although to everyone else she seemed distant and cold, but that was ok. she didn't mind, that was just how she was. she loved him and would do anything for him. then she joined fittes as soon as she was old enough, her father made her, and it was fine until her brother did too. so strings were pulled. he joined her team (not kipps team yet btw, an entirely different one.) and, as things go, he was killed on a case. with her there. cuz you know, trauma

but the one person she was soft around. gone. she became even more distant with nobody to give her love to, nobody to be loyal to.

she was switched teams. she needed it. her old one was killing her inside. she joined kipps' team, a new supervisor, clearly grumpy and incredibly disappointed of where he wound up, but it was ok. she warmed up to him. he was decent; he'd get closer to them later, she'd learn. and then came Ned; he was a bit dense and laughed a lot. kat wasn't sure why; nothing he said was funny anyway. he was rather annoying, she decided. but ned noticed this and tried his hardest to get her to crack a smile. (nothing worked, not because she didn't want to but because she straight up didn't get it lol.) the first time it actually worked was when he accidentally ran into a pillar on a case, which caused her to double over laughing (much to her surprise), which in turn made him as well, and kipps tried to hide his smile too. however, fittes wasn't too big of a fan of this display of unprofessional behavior, so the joking was kept mostly to themselves, when they weren't AT fittes.

and then came bobby. he was brand new, really small and quite scared looking most of the time. ned feared if she breathed too hard he'd blow away and said this aloud with a smile, but Kat's heart had been touched. he was just like her brother. she wasn't going to let anything happen to him. as cases went on, she babied him even more and treated him like her own sibling, and Ned found it funny and then joined in. more found family!! bobby had already accepted his place as kats new little sister that he could not do a thing about. kipps wasn't too big of a fan of this unprofessional behavior, but kat knew better than that. he loved his new little family too, even if they were all a little confused with life and almost permanently unrelaxed. they could only find themselves letting their guards down together. not even on purpose, it's just how it happened. kat was always tense otherwise. the others confused her. but she was so loyal to her new family.

then, as we all know, Ned dies. bobby was a mess; that was his big brother. kat was frozen. that was the boy who really taught her how to laugh, her teammate, her best friend. she found herself even closer to bobby then. they had to stay close. there goes the family.

so you can imagine her horror when Bobby ran away to find Ned's fetch; she couldn't lose him too!! but then he came back. he was hurt, she knew, but it was ok because he was there now. he'd be fine. she took care of him even though he insisted he didn't need it after that case, laughing gently, literally the very definition of caring big sister. she'd never let it happen again. she found herself closer to him still.

but then kipps went too. went and tried to stuff down his feelings like he didn't care, like kat could even stand him leaving. they were both frozen, both numb. kipps had left, kipps, who acted like he didn't care about them in public, like he was just the boss, someone above them, when he really loved them too. how dare he.

so then the final two were forced to split up. you can't have a team of two agents and no supervisors, after all. kat got a new team. so did Bobby. she saw him in a few cases that he was part of; it took everything in her to not run to him, and once she gave in and did. then it took everything else to finally pry herself free. bobby asked about kipps. kat told him she didn't know anything, which was true, she just didn't add that she was too hurt by him not fighting for them to try and find out.

she did see him, though, once, walking down the street. he tried to wave for her attention. she pretended not to see and sped away.

ok, kinda just grasping at random stuff to find what happens next. clearly she doesn't get Ned or kipps back. fittes is kinda not the way it was anymore; not too sure how that's going to work out for her. she'll see bobby again tho, I will NOT let her never see him again. I like to think he made some friends on his new team, but he'll always miss his old one. maybe kat will stop to see him when she can more often, idk. come to think of it, we never learned it any of them are alive...... ok for kats sake I am making the decision that bobby did not die.

I don't think she'd want to go home. I do think, tho that she needs a less traumatic life IDK HOW THIS HAPPENED ALL I DID WAS GIVE HER A BROTHER AND TAP INTO EMOTIONAL ISSUES

SO

kat gets a job at Arif's. he's a grandfather figure for her now. she delivers and sometimes helps decorate donuts and learns to feel love again.

ok that was LONG I apologize. I also didn't proofread it really so uh forgive typos and nonsense please (or tell me lol)

I may make an actual fic of this rather than just a really long summary lol

[britt-writes]

Hey! I'm alive.

Hey there! It's been... a little over a year? Jeez.

I really wanted to make this post to reassure everyone that I am okay. There have been a few people coming to me in my inbox with concern, which I appreciate very much. I do feel bad for not answering any if them when they came, but it is what it is.

I did mention taking a mental health break since I was on the verge of a burnout. Not only was I running a small home business, I was also working outside of home and a student. I still work two jobs, but I've since graduated. Truthfully, I did get into other fandoms as well, so I wrote a bit here and there for other media. I do like variety; it's essential for me to have fun with writing as a hobby. Though that doesn't mean that I've fallen out of love with the RE fandom. Not at all! Lucas still ranks in my top 10 simping targets haha.

A thing happened, however, and it made my mental health spiral into an abyss.

I quit the job that I loved so much because of a dirtbag manager. The owner decided to switch up the managers of my department, and things were fine until he started sexually harassing myself and my two other female coworkers/friends, as well as using intimidation tactics on us to get his way.

He would grope us and tell us that if we didn't want to get groped, we just had to watch how we bent over. He would say gross sexual things to us, and he would push his kinks on us. We had also found out that he had sent unsolicited dick pics in the past to a female employee, and these types of complaints against him were common in the last as well.

We ended up confronting hin in front of a supervisor, and while we thought that they had suspended him, they didn't. He was on mental health break because we had made him depressed. So, we ended up being painted as the bad guys. Nobody would concretely tell us that he was coming back until the very last minute, and the owner had said behind our backs that we needed to get over it, that we were exaggerating and that we had no say in the matter. We complained to everyone possible, and all superiors were well aware of this dirtbag's behavior — past and present — and still protected him.

Quitting a job I loved hurt, and everything that went down with him triggered some past experiences that I had with an abusive ex-boyfriend, so it just added salt to the wound.

I don't like going to that store anymore. I don't want to support a place that seems to think that it's okay for sexual harassment to fly. But I need to go sometimes for emergency specialty supplies that I can't wait for shipping or can't make it to a further store. When I need to go and he's there, I have to fight panic attacks and can't go without someone accompanying me. The dirtbag won't look me in the eye when He sees me and walks away.

I've slowly been getting better. Fighting depression and insomnia has been difficult, but I've been slowly finding the fun in my hobbies that I lost when I deteriorated. Video games, writing, reading, etc.

In fact, I've been having fun making OC bios and writing backstories and personalities. I find that it's a good exercise to get the creative juices flowing while helping me get back into writing without being too overwhelmed.

So, that's the gyst. I'm okay. I'm better. I can't promise that I'll pop up an RE headcanon soon, but I hope to!

Thanks for the concern and reading through this! Much love. ♡

~ Britt

[krakenartificer]

Hi Raina! I'd like to appeal to your hard-won wisdom on The Adult World-- do you think it's possible to teach yourself/find online resources to help learn things like data analysis? I want to look at numbers and graphs and spreadsheets for money but don't know what resources are good enough to trick capitalism and bosses into hiring me for it!

Oh, yeah, 100% Source: I pretty much did that. So first the disclaimers: I did have a bachelor's degree in applied mathematics, and I did shell out for an MBA as my happy-divorce-day present to myself. I know that I really don't use either of those things in my day-to-day work, but hiring managers probably are considering them when they look at my resume. I'm also white, a native English speaker, and talk like an educated middle-class suburbian, which I'm sure also play into mangers' willingness to give me the benefit of the doubt. So my exact path may not work for you. That said, data, in particular, has several advantages right now:

1) Demand is large, and supply is small. If my department doubled in size, we could still not quite answer all of the questions the business leaders are asking of us. I don't think there's been a moment that I've worked for this company that we didn't have a least one job slot we were hiring for. In addition to making this a lucrative industry, it also makes it fairly easy to break into, because hiring managers are willing to accept far less perfect candidates if only they can get someone who knows something working on this project.

2) The field is changing very fast. No one knows what languages or software we'll be using a year from now, so it doesn't really matter that much if you don't know the one we happen to be using right now. Supervisors are much more concerned with "When it turns out we have to switch our entire reporting scheme to Scala, will you be able to learn that?" And in that context, it is incredibly encouraging to hear a candidate say that they once had to do a thing in Python but they didn't know Python so they Googled and perused Stack Overflow until they could do the thing. You are very likely to have a question at the interview that's something like "Describe a time you had to learn something quickly" or "What's your approach when you don't know how to do something?", and as an autodidact, you will have lots of examples for those moments.

3) There are lots of places that don't have anything at all. A person who knows how to put conditional formatting on a column in Excel would be an improvement on what some smaller companies are currently doing. If you can make a graph and code a vlookup() function, then you're an Expert!

4) the field is so new, and is changing so fast, we're still working out the distinctions between the assorted sub-fields. Which means you can start as someone who does data visualization, pivot to data science, change your mind and end up in data engineering, and then decide to do database administration instead.

So yeah. My recommendation is to search job boards for things that look like they might be what you want to do, and write down what the minimum qualifications are for each one. If you already meet 70% of the requirements, start applying! If not, make a li'l histogram of requirements they want and you don't have, and start finding ways to get them.

I, for instance, downloaded an SQL syllabus from some university class that had it publicly posted, and learned SQL by just doing the assignments on my own time when things were slow at the retail job I had. I got an office job on the strength of that, buuuuut my first assignment wasn't really doable in SQL, so I did the work in Python (a language that, up until that point, I had made 0 programs in, but I had watched while someone else made a program in it), and then bodged it into Excel for visualization. That made me look enough like a developer that the data science team was willing to talk to me, and so I got to sit in on the Alteryx intro seminar when they did, and then (since Alteryx was brand new and didn't really have any documentation or communities at that point) taught myself how to use it by trial-and-error. That got me enough experience that I subsequently got offered a job paying twice as much, working with BASH, hql, scala, and Jenkins (a list of coding options that -- you'll notice -- I had not yet had any experience in).

Basically, as a rule, hiring managers have no idea what all is going on behind the scenes, nor do they care, as long as they get the intended outcome. So my approach for interviews is to approach it as communication/translation problem for the first half: what exactly are they hoping the person in this position will be doing? "So, for example, {possible project based on my understanding of how they described the job}, would that be the type of thing?" Repeat until you're pretty sure you know what they're looking for. If you can do that thing, then you're justified in saying "I can do that", and you probably have evidence to back it up. So the second half of the interview is using their questions as an opportunity to lay out your evidence. Bonus: asking questions in the interview makes you look both smarter and more engaged!

If you get a technical interview/whiteboarding interview, don't panic! They're looking more at how you approach the problem than they're looking at your actual ability to write solid code / know the exact names for everything (my last interview I had to ask "What's that?" after, like, 3/4 of the questions. Then the interviewer would start describing it, and I'd be like "OH yeah, so then ....". I got the job.) So if you don't know what to do, start writing out outlines, mind-maps, lists ... whatever would help you figure out how to get started. Write down the facts of the situation, and implications of those facts; write down questions you have, and how to get them answered. This is a situation where partial credit is very VERY much a possibility, so get as many possible partial-credit sources on the whiteboard as possible.

So yeah. Coursera, Khan Academy, etc, all great. You can also just find some school that doesn't password-protect their class materials, and if you can mess around enough to solve the problems on the homework assignments, then you know (at least) as much as anyone who's officially taken that class. Alteryx and Tableau offer free online training with a web-portal sample of their software. You could also check for volunteer opportunities: I'm organizing permit applications for Sierra Club, and I bet there's a non-profit near you that would be equally delighted (read: fucking overjoyed) to let you take over all graph/numbers/spreadsheets for their projects. Then you get them to write you a letter of recommendation, and put the reporting work on your resume, and you've got "real world experience" while you're saving the world.

I wish you the best, and feel free to ask more questions as you go farther along your journey! I definitely recommend the data-work life; it's been my favorite career so far.

[ink-stained-clouds]

Hi, it's thesis anon! First off, congratulations on your graduation!!! I'm so excited for you, do you have any plans yet on what you want to do next (no pressure to answer at all!!!)?

I decided to take a leave for the rest of the semester, so I'll have time to do my thesis. Do you have any tips for the whole thesis process -- from researching the whole thing, to doing the framework, etc.? I'm starting from the beginning, with just the topic that I have so I have a very long way to go. I'm very anxious about it because I won't have any advisor supervising me (for now, because I'm doing this before the start of the semester) and I won't really know if I'm going the right way plus I am not very confident I'll figure it out. Any tips for this self-doubting thesis anon? All tips are appreciated.

Thanks!

first of all, lmao, sorry about ^ it is definitely not June 1st

Anyways, thank you!! I'll be starting my PhD in the fall, I'm very excited

I'm so glad your thesis stuff is working out!! I absolutely have tips, I'm gonna write down everything I can think of right now but I'll reblog and add to this if I think of anything else!

My biggest tip is to give yourself the benefit of the doubt. You're going to become the expert in this, your supervisor, unless by some very strange coincidence, will not have even close to the depth and breadth of knowledge on your topic as you will. You're so much more capable than you think you are

As for researching, keep your notetaking and organization consistent. I'd highly recommend something like Zotero which I did not use for my thesis and regret immensely. But whatever you choose, consistency will really help when you're writing and need to find information you know you have but don't know exactly where. Having to search eight different word docs with 75% the same info as the last word doc you looked at is exhausting, ask me how I know 😅

Start broad with your literature review and narrow in on your topic as you outline/write. The best advice my advisor gave me was that the literature review should literally lead you to the research question. I think of it as like an upside down triangle, at the top you have the foundational theoretical literature/methods, then you get more and more specific until you come to your research question at the point of the triangle. Not sure if that makes sense, I can give you pictures of outlining I've done if it'll help

When I started reading for my literature review I kept a doc which I read all the abstracts and noted articles I wanted to read in full, personally that worked pretty well for me

Going off of that, when you read full papers, do your citations at the same time. At the top of the page or however you keep notes, write out the full citation for that paper so that you have it when you do your bibliography, also keep page numbers for any quotes you find, even if it feels tedious. If you think to yourself "I can always find it later" that is the devil talking, do not listen

Take! Breaks! This applies to every stage of any project but especially theses. You need days where you do something else, you need to read things that aren't for your thesis, you need to give yourself time to decompress. Forgive me but I can't remember your exact topic, mine was personally very heavy (I was reading a lot of hate speech online) so if yours is emotionally exhausting, find a way to come down from all of that, give your brain a break

If you find yourself getting stuck consider you need to switch up your environment. I found that when I got to the last week of edits I literally could not work in my apartment, ended up going to a cafe almost every day. Bad for the wallet good for the thesis. I really should've thanked them in my acknowledgments

I found I was most productive working in blocks of like 3 or 4 hours so I would set aside roughly that amount of time with nothing on either side (so I didn't feel pressure to finish working so I could go to a meeting or hang out with friends). Personally, dedicating a few hours of good quality focus and work has always been more effective for me than trying to spend all day on something. The work will expand to fill the time you allot yourself

If you're doing qualitative research, just a heads up, you will feel like an imposter. I remember telling a grad student I'm friends with, when I was analyzing my data, that I completely believe in the strength and validity of qualitative research but that everyone else was doing it right and I was doing it wrong. That's just not true, I promise. No advice, really, just a warning lol

I remember you saying you don't have to defend but I found it very helpful to kinda just,,,, talk to myself about my work. It helped me fill in gaps and put analyses into words when they were only existing vaguely in my head. You don't have to talk to yourself, either, you can always rope a friend into listening. Pets also work too but they ask terrible questions. Mine just wanted treats which was beyond the scope of my project

Oh also, if any scary smart people (e.g., professors) are asking you questions like "are you doing xyz?" or "did you look at [something you definitely did not look at]" just say it's beyond the scope of your project, another pro tip from my advisor

I know I already said it but remind yourself that you are the expert on this. Do it periodically, even when you aren't doubting yourself

Also remind yourself why you chose your topic, why you enjoy it, why it interests you. I was afraid I would lose sight of this, and sometimes I did, but I always found a reminder that this was the thing for me and it really made a difference

Oh, and if you're doing qualitative research which I think you said you were, bear in mind that it tends to change. This was something my advisor warned me about several times and from very early on but it really is true. Let it change, don't feel bound to something that isn't working or doesn't make sense with what you have data-wise

Find what helps you work. For me, personally, periodic snack breaks, a fun little beverage, filming time lapses of me working when I can't focus, Lizzo's music (not kidding, I know every word to every song now), also lo-fi, getting out of my apartment to work (god bless public libraries 🫡), pomodoros (25-5 and also 45-15)

As your think of things, write them down. Little bits and pieces of analysis can often become useful later on. If inspiration strikes, go ahead and ride it

That said, be ready to part with things you right. You don't have to delete them, copy and paste them into another document but learn to let them go

Ask some friends ahead of time if they'll be able to get their eyes on drafts. I could not have written my thesis if it weren't for my friends who read countless drafts, I literally owe them my degree

When I was coding my data, I had trouble staying focused on what I was looking for. I wrote the key patterns on a sticky note and stuck it to my laptop, it was weirdly useful

Keep your to do lists achievable and specific. Sometimes that looks like "edit analysis section paragraphs 1-7" sometimes it looks like "20 minutes of work on methodology section" but don't let it look like "do some editing" or "finish literature review"

Remind yourself that you can do this (again because eventually it sticks). Remind yourself that you have done things that have scared you before and things that you thought wouldn't work out and they did. Remind yourself that that's how life usually works

Learn to deal with imperfection. If you try to make any one section or paragraph 'right' before you move onto the next you won't get far

You should also prepare to get comfy with people seeing your bad writing. In the past, even when professors asked us for our free writes or rough drafts, I would edit mine to near grammatical perfection before sending them in. This is not possible with a thesis and you have to face that fear (if you somehow do not have this fear, congrats but you scare me). I somehow got very comfortable with my advisor reading some very bad and weird shit, I got to the point where I wasn't even deleting the word little notes I left myself before I sent them off to her and she never minded once

Use your resources!! If you're having trouble starting your research and finding literature, book an appointment with a librarian at your school. You almost definitely have a subject librarian for your area, they can help you navigate research databases and find keywords to use in searches, they are literal gods and are a criminally under utilized resource in research

Everything looks rough in the beginning. There are going to be times where you look at everything you have and the idea of it being one, cohesive paper is literally laughable. I don't think there's any way around this, I think it's just part of trusting the process. Eventually you will have a thesis, it will fall short of your expectations, you will be able to list all the things you wish you did differently or had the time to include. But a good thesis is a done thesis and you will finish

I hope at least some of these help, thesis anon! I am very excited to hear about your thesis journey, please keep me updated. I was literally just wondering how you were doing when you sent this ask in lol

I also look forward to hearing your tips when you finish your thesis because I will be doing another one in the next two years and I'm already nervous

Good luck!!! - Inky

[apocalypseornaw]

Always be Yours- 2

Word Count 5,437 *not my gif*

Story Summary: Inspired by the 2 part I did of the same title. Follows Dean and Reader through season 9 into season 10

Chapter Summary: Adaddon is back and using two hunters to draw the boys into a trap so of course you're right there with them

Warnings: cursing, fights, minor character death

Dean could hear your laughter drifting down the hall the moment he stepped out of his room. You'd only been at the bunker a week or so but you'd always had a habit of making any place feel your presence. Hell even Crowley asked if he could see you when he found out you were there. Kevin was acting more normal than he'd ever seen the kid and it was a bit of a relief to know he wasn't the only one keeping a close eye on Sam should Ezekial decide to not hold up his end of the bargain.

He headed towards the kitchen and could hear music. The closer he got he made out the tune of "You give love a bad name" when he stepped around the corner he was met with the sight of Sam spinning you around while you sang along word for word. Kevin was sitting at the table working on a large stack of pancakes and laughing at the show of you and Sam dancing around the kitchen in your pajamas. The two of you had formed a close friendship back when you were both the youngest kids being pawned off on Bobby during hunts and Dean would be lying if he said he didn't wish you were as comfortable around him as you were Sam.

He could still remember the first case him and Sam worked solo with you. It was the Croatoan virus. You hadn't blinked an eye when you refused to leave Sam's side when he was exposed telling them both that if they were giving in so were you. Over the years you'd been in and out of their lives and the day he'd been dragged out of hell you showed up at Bobby's and had a blade to his neck before him or Bobby could explain. When they proved it was really him that was the first time you'd ever hugged him. You'd pratically squealed when you jumped into his arms "Dean! You're back!"

You always had a habit that no matter how long you went without seeing him or Sam you always treated them as if you'd just seen them the day before. When Sam was soulless you helped him to track down Death to get Sam's soul back. He'd never seen you back down from a fight especially if someone you cared about was fighting.

He was pulled out of his thoughts when you slid to a stop in front of him and held a hand out to him. "C'mon Dean" you pleaded and he shook his head "I haven't even had my coffee yet Y/N" you being the ever persistent woman you were rolled your eyes then looked over your shoulder at Sam "Be a good little brother and fix the man some coffee" Sam grinned as he moved to grab Dean's mug and you turned back around to Dean with a smile "So now what's your excuse?" the song switched to "Have you ever seen the rain" and your eyes lit up when he hummed the first couple bars before hesitantly taking your hand.

You slid your arms up around his neck and he put his hands at your waist careful not to catch the bare skin when your shirt rode up slightly. Normally he'd feel stupid as hell dancing in the kitchen? Especially with an audience but the smile on your face was worth it, most of the time you tried to keep up the front of a fearless hunter but since Bobby's death you'd started to let your guard fall more often and around more people than just Sam. When the song ended you winked at him and said "Who knew Dean Winchester can dance?" then moved to turn the player down. Sam cleared his throat and looked from you to Dean before holding the coffee out "Want your coffee Dean?" when you turned your back Sam raised his eyebrows and Dean shot him a glare "Thanks Sammy" you thankfully didn't see the look passed between them when you turned around to ask Kevin if he wanted orange juice.

-------

The ease of the morning was interrupted by a phone call coming in about a busload of bodies found on a naval base. That mixed with the freaky storms and dead cattle circling that area screamed demon. You grabbed your duffel bag and the bag with your fed suit then stepped out of your room and met up with Kevin in the hallway. He glanced down towards the armory so you shot him a smile "Just stay away from him Kev. He'll try to get into your head and it's not worth it" he gave you a small smile in return "I'll stay away from him Y/N" he turned to head to the library so you headed for the map room where Sam and Dean stood waiting. Dean's eyes skimmed over you and your crossed your arms "Is there a problem Dean?" he met your eyes and smirked slightly "Naw, just you're gonna be a lot more fun to look at all day than Sammy here" you rolled your eyes and chunked your duffel bag to him considering they both already kept go bags in baby's trunk "Easy tiger, we got work to do"

You walked next to Sam up the stairs talking about the case and what could possibly be waiting.

------

When Dean rolled to a stop right outside the area that had been tapped off you slid your ID into your pocket then climbed out the backseat. You had stopped off about ten miles back for all of you to change into your suits. "This place reeks of sulphur" Sam muttered and you nodded "Between the stink and the storms.." "Mixed with the dead cattle I'll take demons for a thousand Alex" Dean finished holding the police tape up for you to walk underneath.

The MP noticed the three of you and headed your way so you pulled your badges out while Dean did the introduction "Agents Stark, Banner and Barnes. FBI. Just need to have a look around" She didn't hesitate to ask "Why? This is a military case, not a federal one" "Well that's not what our supervisor said" you interjected and if anything you speaking seemed to make her attitude that much worse "That so? Then maybe him and I ought to have a chat" Sam cut his eyes at you and Dean said "Ok" then pulled his phone out. You wondered what he was doing and leaned up slightly to see him hit Kevin's number.

"Hey boss, we got a little problem" poor Kevin you just hoped he knew to play along. After a beat Dean continued "Yeah just a local badge needs a little confirmation we're supposed to be here. How the word came down from FBI headquarters in D.C." you were glad you were used to situations like this because if not you probably would've laughed imagining how confused Kevin must be but nonetheless Dean said "Yeah" then held the phone out to the MP.

She looked between the three of you before saying "This is sergeant Miranda Bates. Who am I talking to?" She looked back at Dean who you knew by far wouldn't break before asking Kevin "How old are you?" you were started to get annoyed with her attitude when she said "Listen kid, I don't have to do anything and I don't take orders from the feebs so unless you can give me one good reason you got a couple of pretty boy agents and their handler poking around my crime scene" "Handler?" you scoffed and Sam reached a hand out to pull you back next to him as she kept ranting "I'm gonna put them in cuffs and spank your ass raw"

Her face fell at something Kevin said "What?..How did you find that?" You looked between the boys to see if they had any idea what Kevin was telling her but they both shrugged. She finally said "Yes sir" then handed Dean's phone back and walked away.

Dean was barely holding back a smile when he said "Kevin, what the hell did you just do?" Sam motioned to the bus so Dean waved the two of you ahead.

You stepped on the bus behind Sam and went to the first body while Sam started looking over a different one. "Sam look" you pushed back the guy's shirt with a pen to show the bullet hole in his chest. All the bodies had fatal wounds but they were all also long dead.

Dean then stepped up on the bus and asked "Got anything?" Sam nodded to the body nearest you "This guy was shot in the heart" "That what killed him?" he asked and Sam looked at you so you shrugged "Maybe? but like ten or twenty years ago" Dean glanced at Sam who added "All these bodies have fatal wounds but they're all old" "So meatsuits?" Dean guessed so you nodded "Bodies took a licking but demons kept them ticking"

"And now they're riding the soldiers" Sam added. Dean looked behind Sam "Hey" you looked up to see sergeant Bates walking up onto the bus with a tablet in her hands "Excuse me agents. We pulled this off the security camera. You might want to take a look" Sam reached out for it so you moved to the side so Dean could see the screen as well. It clearly showed the soldiers walking away but Sam froze on one woman in particular. You knew they couldn't tell you why in front of Bates but the moment the three of you stepped off the bus Dean said "Abaddon? Seriously?" and you knew why Sam had frozen the screen. That was the demon that had attacked the men of letters and who killed their grandfather Henry after him and her jumped through a magical portal to recent time.

"I thought you kentucky fried that meatsuit?" Dean asked Sam who shrugged "I did Dean" "Then how did she get it back?" you asked and nodded to the cop that held the tape up for you to pass. "And why's she playing G.I. Joe?" Dean said and Sam responded "No clue. Why don't you ask her when we find her?"

You slid into the backseat and pulled your suit jacket off while Dean pulled out onto the road and said "Oh I will and then I'm gonna chop her freaking head off..again"

------

After stopping off long enough for all of you to change back into normal clothes you got back on the road to the bunker. It was already dark out and you were laid across the backseat when Sam's phone rang and you heard him say "Hold on Kevin..Wait..slow down" Sam cut his eyes back when you sat up then put the phone on speaker while Kevin repeated the coordinates he'd been given then said "And she gave me two names. Irv Franklin and Tracy Bell" "Irv's a friend, don't know Tracy" Dean cut in before Kevin continued "All right, the lady said they were hunters and that if you didn't go save them that she would kill them" "Yeah heard that song before" Dean grumbled but you were looking up the coordinates to see where you were all headed.

"Dean, who was she?" Kevin asked so you answered without looking up "The bad guy" Dean asked Kevin to dig up everything the men of letters had on the knights of hell. Abaddon was one although you didn't know exactly what that entailed. After Sam hung up with Kevin you leaned up between him and Dean "The numbers point to a spot on the outskirts of Eugene, Oregon" then glanced between the two of them "Are we gonna adknowledge this is a trap right?"

"Yup" Dean said matter of factly. You turned your head to look at Sam when he asked "And we're just gonna walk right into it?" "Guns blazing" you answered and saw Dean glance your way in the mirror. "Well Y/N's with me, Sam?" Sam of course said "You know it"

------

You drove through the night and stopped a few miles shy of where Abaddon wanted to meet so all of you could be as well prepared as possible. The place was completely abandoned. Dean gave voice to your thoughts when he asked "What the hell happened here?" "A local chemical plant sprang a leak years ago. They evacuated three square blocks. Guess it's still contaminated"

"Wait? So this whole place is poison?" you asked, a little worried. "Yeah" Sam replied and you laughed when you saw Dean's hand move to cover his crotch "That's not gonna help" Sam told him with a sigh. Dean realized you'd seen him and shrugged "It doesn't hurt"

One thing you'd gotten used to was that when you hunted with them both they had a habit of keeping you between them when they could. You weren't sure if it was on purpose or not. The three of you walked further into the town then heard a slam coming from an old diner that caused you and Sam to pull your guns. Dean nodded so you covered Sam while he kicked the door in.

"Clear" you and Dean went in behind him so you kept an eye on the kitchen to make sure there was no surprises while Dean untied Irv and who had to be Tracy. You glanced back when he said Abaddon had been torturing hunters to get information on Sam and Dean. If you hadn't been with them she might have gotten her claws on you.

Dean gave Irv a shot of holy water while Sam gave one to Tracy who rolled her eyes "Happy?" she was slinging more aggression towards Sam than you would've liked but now wasn't the time. Irv nodded to you when Dean untied him "Y/N, good to see ya" "Yeah" you said then once again Tracy got mouthy with Sam when he introduced himself. You knew the look you had when Irv quickly explained "She's new. We worked a shifter job in Sacramento together. Smart but got a mouth on her" She scoffed so you clicked your tongue "Honey we ain't got time for whatever you got going on. We need to gear up and clear out" Dean tilted his head towards you "What she said"

------

You were helping Dean lay out every weapon you'd grabbed. "We got jesus juice, devil's trap bullets shoot a demon with them and put em on lockdown" He explained and you spun an angel blade in your hand "Angel blades work"

Irv took a gun loaded with Devil's trap bullets about the time Sam said "They're coming" "Good" Dean said handing you a vial of holy water. "They've got assault rifles" Sam added and you cursed under your breath "Ok, less good"

Irv looked at Dean "So, what's the play?" Dean looked at you "Give me your phone" you handed it over without question and watched him record a voice memo of himself saying "COME AND GET IT YOU DICKS" and knew his plan. You grabbed one of the cake trays and drug it over in front of him "Prop it up here" he did as you said then looked between everyone else. "Let's go"

------

All of you made it out behind the cafe so Dean looked around "We got to flank seal team douche in there so uh Irv, you and me will go left. Sam, you Y/N and Tracy go right" "Ok let's move" Sam said and reached for Tracy's arm but she shoved him back "Don't touch me" "What is your problem?" you asked feeling Dean grab you around the waist with one arm to hold you in place while he repeated the question.

Tracy's eyes never moved off of Sam "My family's dead because of him" "What?" Sam asked and in that moment you could've knocked Tracy flat just for the guilt in his eyes. She looked back at you then at Dean before saying "I watched a demon slaughter my parents and the whole time it talked about how it was celebrating how some dumb kid let Lucifer out of his cage" you looked over your shoulder at Dean and he slid his arm from around you. "Ok we got to move. Y/N you go with Sam and Irv, Tracy with me" you didn't really want to leave her with Dean in case it became a your brother did this to my people so I'm gonna do this to you type of thing but it wasn't like you were in a position to start an argument. You simply nodded and tapped Sam's shoulder "Let's go"

------

You were walking close to Sam gripping your gun and trying to keep an eye out, He had the demon blade in his hand and Irv was behind you. "Sam you copacetic?" Irv asked and Sam nodded "I'm good" Irv glanced at you then said "Good. Give me that toothpick, grab Y/N then you two get Dean and Tracy and get the hell out of here" "What?" you asked in shock and Irv explained "I'm going in there alone. I'll buy you as much time as I can"

"Irv, that's death" Sam glanced at you for help but you didn't know what to say at a friend basically asking for the two of you to be ok with him killing himself. Irv looked ashamed when he finally spoke "Yeah, well it's what I got coming..It's my fault. I was in some dive and I was sloppy and lonely" Sam glanced at you as Irv continued "And I met some girl and the next thing you know, I'm strapped to some bed and she's twisting things that ain't supposed to be twisted" "She who?" Sam questioned but you had a feeling you already knew the answer Irv saying "Abaddon" just confirmed you were right.

Irv's voice broke when he said "I gave em up. Pete,Tracy,even you Y/N. I gave em all up. So Sam you hand me that blade and you let me do what I got to do or so help me" but he had moved to the point his back wasn't blocked by any building and a shot rang out a second before Irv fell. Sam instinctively pushed you back and pulled his gun. You nodded that you were ok then you both leaned out to return fire then make a break for the diner that was across the street.

You fell in behind Sam and looked up to see one of the demon's holding you at gunpoint "Boo"

He snatched you to your feet and Sam dove for him with the demon blade but another demon popped up and knocked Sam sideways then both of you were thrown over the counter. You scrambled to your feet again about the time the third demon walked around the corner and smiled "Cool. I didn't miss the best part"

------

Safe to say you and Sam were getting your asses handed to you. He had his head slammed into a wall and you thought he was unconscious then suddenly his eyes glowed blue and he looked at "GET DOWN" "Bout time you pop up" you muttered diving back behind the counter and tucking yourself into the smallest ball possible as Ezekiel's wings shown on the wall of the diner.

You stayed in that position until the door of the diner opened and Dean called your name. He let out a visible breath when you popped up. "Fuck don't hide again!" "He told me to!" you argued pointing at Ezekiel who was stabbing the last demon in the head with the demon blade. "They were going to kill him and her Dean" "Ezekiel?" Dean asked and you nodded. "What the hell did you do?" Dean pushed and Ezekiel turned to face him "I was protecting your brother and Y/N. I thought that was what you wanted" "Yeah of course, Thank you we're just still getting used to all this" you cut in and Ezekiel looked around "As am I" "Sam's ok?' you asked and Ezekiel explained that he had been knocked unconscious and in a way still was and wouldn't remember what happened. "So what the hell am I supposed to tell him when he comes to?" Dean asked and Ezekiel held the demon blade out "Which was why I used the knife"

"Right, smart" Dean took the blade then looked at you when Ezekiel spoke "You are troubled still" Dean turned back towards him "Yeah it's just that uh. Yeah this is on me. I was the one who talked Sam out of boarding up hell so every demon deal, every person they kill you're looking at the person who let it happen" "Dean" you tried but he wouldn't even look at you. "You were protecting your brother" Ezekiel offered then continued "I am in Sam's head. Everything he knows I know. and I know that what you did you did out of love"

Dean scoffed "Look Zeke, I'm gonna call you Zeke. I'm not really with the whole uh love and well love" you were standing there looking between the two of them when Ezekiel said "but it is why I said yes" "Yeah and if that goes sideways that's on me too" you finally snapped at Dean "PLEASE STOP HATING YOURSELF FOR FIVE SECONDS"

They both looked a little startled so you took a breath and said "We're trusting you Ezekiel" Dean finally shook himself out the shock of you hollering at him to say "and I just hope you're one of the good guys" "I am" Ezekiel said then added "But I suppose that's what a bad guy would say...Dean Winchester you are going the right thing" you took a deep breath and look at Ezekiel "How about letting Sam take back control? me and Dean will clean up before he wakes up" Ezekiel nodded then walked over to where Sam had been knocked out and sat back.

------

Once his head drooped over you moved to help Dean load the weapons back into the bag. Neither of you spoke until Sam started to stir.

When he groaned you made it to his side first "Sam?" "Sammy?" Dean asked helping Sam to his feet. Sam looked at you "What the hell happened?" you shrugged "You took a shot to the head, I was about to be the pinata for these asshats before Dean decided to slide in and save our asses"

Sam looked at Dean "You killed three demons, alone?" Dean shrugged "Took them by surprise. Got a little messy, I got a little lucky oh and I'm awesome so there's that" Sam looked around and you smirked when he said "You are pretty damn awesome"

You heard an engine roll up and looked out the window to see Tracy roll up in baby and looked back at Dean "She gets to drive baby and I don't?" Dean tried to explain but you simply grabbed the weapons as the three of you headed outside.

------

Tracy looked at Sam "You good?" "Yeah, more or less" and you smiled when her reply was "Good." She chunked the keys to Dean "I got everything but guess I'm late to the party" "Lucky you" you muttered and walked around to get in behind Sam as Dean said "Let's blow this toxic dump. Burgers and silkwood showers on me"

------

After you dropped Tracy off at one of her friend's houses you and the boys got back on the road. You hadn't really said much to either of them. You were thinking about Ezekiel and if he truly was a good guy. Sam was used to the way you'd get quiet sometimes but Dean had looked in the mirror about a dozen times before you finally said "Speak Dean" he shrugged "You pissed at me?"

You knew you had to look as confused as you felt so he clarified "Tracy driving baby?" you laughed "Naw if you wanted to let me drive her you would" and shrugged he looked a bit hurt so you winked at him to let him know you weren't upset about that. 

------

Twenty miles from Lebanon Dean decided to stop to get Kevin some food. You were sitting in the backseat with your head leaned back while Sam checked his emails.

You glanced up when the door closest to you opened and was surprised to see Dean holding the car keys out to you "I really don't want you killing me in my sleep" you grinned and snatched them from him not risking him changing his mind.

-------

When you pulled up to the bunker and killed the engine you looked back at Dean who was watching you and smiled "Thank you" he took the keys that you were holding out and nodded "Wait, you're still staying around right?" you didn't stop to think Sam hadn't heard that conversation between you and Dean before he said "What?" you shook your head and climbed out the car "Don't worry about it Sam I'm not going anywhere any time soon."

-------

Kevin was nowhere to be found and considering Crowley killed his mom the three of you ran to the armory.

Crowley was beat up but at least not dead and neither was Kevin. "Who worked you over?" Sam asked. Crowley looked at you then said "Martin Hayward and Brandon Favors" "They did this?" you asked but he shook his head "No they're demons. Your boys wanted names, I'm giving names. They're underperformers. Spike them, You're doing me a favor"

Dean smirked "Wow, you break easy" Crowley rolled his eyes "Please,your little plan to have me stir in my own delicious juices? Pathetic. You want intel, I want things too. Maybe we can come to some kind of arrangement. Quid pro quo gentlemen" "So these names are freebies?" you asked and Crowley smiled at you "Not at all sweets.You can consider them fair trade for the enjoyment Kevin gave me" "What the hell's that supposed to mean?" You and Dean asked in unison and Crowley quirked an eyebrow at that before saying "He's my new favorite toy. Wind him up and watch him go" You glared at him "You red eyed bastard" then spun around to walk out the armory and find Kevin. You heard Dean tell Sam "Check the names, I'll help Y/N find the kid"

------

You found him packed up and trying to leave "Where are you going?" Dean asked but Kevin kept walking so you stepped in his path. "Y/N you can't keep me locked up here. I'm leaving" "Like hell" Dean said and you cut your eyes at him "Kev we told you not to talk to Crowley he messes with your head" "He said my mom was alive, that if I let him go he'd give her back"

"And you believed him?" Dean asked with a scoff. "He's still in there isn't he?" you moved to put yourself between Dean and Kevin before saying "Kev, Crowley's lying" "And if he's not?" he asked and you were glad for once that Dean answered "Than she's dead, in every way that matters anyways. We're sorry Kevin"

"I know you're dying to bolt. I get it but out that door it's angels and demons and they'd all love to get their hands on a prophet so even with Crowley here..It's still the safest place for you" you took a breath hoping you'd gotten through to the kid. "and we need you" Dean added.

It hurt your heart when Kevin assumed "Because I'm useful?" but you couldn't help but smile when Dean answered "No,because you're family. Same as Y/N. If you don't think after all we've been through together we all wouldn't die for each other man I don't know what to tell you. We're all we got but hey if none of that matters to you then I won't stop you and I won't let Y/N"

Kevin looked at you then slowly nodded "Ok" you cut your eyes at Dean "I'm gonna get him to his room then I'll come find you and Sam" 

-------

You walked into the library and heard Dean telling Sam "You have helped a lot more people than you've hurt" and guessed it was due to what Tracy said so you stepped further in and Dean waved you over and sat a glass of whiskey in front of you. 

You took it then sat down next to Sam. Dean looked back at him then said "All of that was then" he held up his glass so you did the same and bumped Sam's shoulder so he'd join in when Dean said "Here's to now"

You clicked your glasses against theirs then took a sip. "You both ready for it?" Sam asked so you looked at Dean who questioned "Ready for what?" "Fallens angels, Abaddon. Cas losing his halo, Crowley living in our basement"

You half laughed "Dean you invited me to move into a freakin sitcom" Dean shrugged "At least you have company?" Then turned his attention to Sam "What about you? How's the engine running?" 

Sam looked between the two of you before saying "Honestly? I feel better than I have in a long time. I know it's crazy out there but I look around here and I see friends and family. I'm happier than I've been in forever. It's just things are good" Dean met your eyes and nodded "Never better" 

------

Sam had already headed to bed and Dean went to check in on Kevin. You knew you wouldn't wind down for a while so you collected the books Kevin had pulled about the knights of hell and laid them out across one of the tables in the library. 

You poured yourself another glass of whiskey then sat down. You were halfway through the first book when Dean cleared his throat and you glanced up to see him leaning against the doorway "I figured you went to bed" you said and held the bottle out. He took it then sat across from you "I figured you did too"

He poured a glass then reached for one of the books so you slid it across to him. The two of you read in silence for a few minutes before he called your name. You glanced up "Yeah?" "What was that about?" You weren't exactly sure what he meant so you asked "What was what about?"

He closed the book and for once there was no humor in his face when he asked "You yelling at me about not hating myself for five minutes?" Oh that was what he meant. You finally answered "You're very self deprecating Dean even worse than Sam. I can't stand it" he nodded but still pushed "Why?"

You sighed and laid the book down pulling your bottom lip between your teeth and trying to get the words right before you spoke them "You're a good man Dean. You damn near raised Sam, you have saved so many people. You have a good heart and even when you fuck up it's due to good intentions and don't start about the road to hell being paved with good intentions you know what I mean. When it comes down to it there's no one else I'd rather have to back me in a fight or as a friend" the corner of his lips ticked up in a small smirk "um thanks?" You shrugged "It's the truth. Now let's finish with these books we're currently on then I think we should head to bed" "Yours or mine?" He teased with a smirk but you knew the best way to handle Dean was to give his own medicine right back to him so you quickly fired back "Oh honey I just don't think you could handle me"  and laughed at the look on his face "Yeah I can definitely see why Sam likes having you around" "oh and you don't like having me around not even in the least?" You asked and and he rolled his eyes then pushed the book you'd been reading back at you "Read your book Y/N" 

You turned your attention back to the book but noticed the way he kept glancing your way for the next half hour. When you finally closed your book to head to bed you stood and stretched "See you in the morning?" He nodded "I'll be the best looking one" you shook your head with a smile then headed to your room.

Tags: @akshi8278 @facadeformyrealblog

[looksmokin]

I know I already reblogged this but I switched from working in food service to being a preschool teacher at a Jewish school and let me tell you the shock is STILL hitting me.

I spend most of my days outside. I'm disabled, and I don't have to be constantly on my feet at this job, so I'm no longer coming home from my Starbucks shifts in crippling pain.

I get to sit down whenever I want. I get to run around in the grass with 3 year olds and feel sunshine and make blanket forts on rainy days.

My diet has completely changed because we all eat loads of strawberries and tangerines, rather than me having to cram an Espresso shot and a McMuffin in my face before running back onto the Starbucks floor.

My coworkers care about me. My husband had a medical emergency and the teacher in the next classroom cried in the bathroom with me when I came back to work. My boss checked in on me to genuinely see how I was doing. Another time, I had bronchitis and was trying to work through it, and she sent me home with pay and told me to go to the doctor immediately.

We're paid shit, but since that's decided by the board rather than the actual teachers and supervisors here, my boss lobbies every year to pay us more. She worked out a loophole to pay me for Passover break even though I'm a new hire and legally have no PTO or other protections until I'm contracted. Because she knows that she wants me to keep working here, and if I have to go weeks without pay, I'll get another job and leave. The understanding between employer and employee that so many companies have forgotten remains here: I am just as able to quit as they are to fire me, and if they want me, they need to incentivize me to stay.

This job has legitimately made me a better person, and has made my relationships better as well. Since I model good communication skills for the kids all day, I come home with the same mindset. I ask my partner "it sounds like you meant this. Is that what you meant to say?" Instead of assuming and getting hurt or angry. I have more energy, more laughter, more love to give because I've spent those 40 hours a week with people who love me and make me laugh, where I actually have fun and come home rested and energized. I'm more patient with myself because I'm patient with my kids, and my coworkers and I practice the same gentleness with each other that we do with the students. "If you need a moment, that's okay. Today was hard. We all need time to reset sometimes."

I know that right now, not everyone is lucky enough to find a job like mine. But what this has made me realize is that I didn't hate working, I hated giving my life and my health to a company that stole my livelihood and who I was as a person. Capitalism stole my joy. I wasn't lazy. In any society, work is necessary, but it's a completely different form of work than whatever this bullshit society has turned into. Raising children, growing vegetables, dyeing fabric, cooking, healing our friends and families, telling stories. It's what we were made for, and with enough pushback and luck, maybe everyone can be that lucky again.

Being able to relax finally and enjoy my life hasn't made me more complacent, it's made me more sure in my fight to get UBI for all and other reforms. We literally teach the students that, while recycling and turning off the lights is good and we should all do our part, global warming and food insecurity are caused by about 20 people and our 3 year olds know their names.

“invest in your future” “build your career” “make professional connections” “grind” 🤢