#but hey at least I'm kinda sorting putting my recent studies to use

[therecordconnection]

Colleen Ballinger's "Toxic Gossip Train" song is gonna be this generation's version of O.J. Simpson's If I Did It, a piece of work where the author more or less completely admits to their wrongdoing but deflects by pointing the gun at other people and blaming others instead of actually taking an introspective look at themselves (or in Simpson's case, admitting to a crime by framing it as a "hypothetical" and saying that he would never do that, but could have). Like, good lord, woman! Did you actually read this before singing it on camera!?

Many years ago, I used to message my fans Uh, but not in a creepy way like a lot of you are trying to suggest It was more of a loser kind of way Where I was just trying to be besties with everybody It was kinda like, uh, when you go to like a family gathering, you know? And there's a weird aunt there who keeps coming up to you and going like, "Hey, girl, what's the tea?" And you're like, "Eh" Um, that was me, but in group chats with my fans, it was weird

Just because you admit it was weird doesn't make it any less wrong. You still did it!! It's also not "gossip" anymore if you admit you were doing weird stuff! Plus, her PR team must be losing their fucking minds right now because she even says in the song that they advised her to keep her mouth shut! I wouldn't want to be them right now.

Um, even though my team has strongly advised me to not say what I want to say I recently realized that they never said that I couldn't sing what I wanna say, so...

Absolutely bonkers. It's like she listened to Akon's "Sorry, Blame It On Me," heard the lyrics "Because I love my fans, I'll take that blame / Even though the blame's on you" and wrote a whole song around that. Her framing device of "people just like to watch you fall :(" doesn't work when there's evidence about what you've been accused of AND you admit that the "gossip" is true!

And she fucking put it on streaming platforms and put it up for sale on Apple Music!! Make no mistake, she did that purely to cash in on the meme and the controversy for one last cash flow before it all inevitably ends. You've seen Youtubers in hot water plenty of times in the past, but this isn't a Gabbie Hanna sort of deal where she's clearly dealing with some kind of mental illness and at worst just isn't a good person who treats people well, this is much much worse.

Understand that what she has been accused of (and what there is concrete evidence for) is beyond fucked up and she deserves whatever ill-fortune might come her way. I'm certain there are fans who agreed with her song and want to defend her, but that's a road they will be walking alone if they do. If what I've been reading about her is true (because I didn't even know who she was until this whole song fiasco happened), it's not just the grooming allegations that people are rightfully angry about. It's also been sexual harassment, racism, enabling toxic work culture, sharing someone else's nudes with minors without consent, mailing minors lingerie, being in a group chat with underage fans, and more ick than you would really want to think about.

You've seen plenty of shitty Youtuber "apologies" where they're clearly lying and only saying things in front of a camera to try and save face. You've seen ones where people are clearly monetizing it and making it long enough so that it can be monetized. This one is a new breed though and it deserves to be looked at, mocked/memed, and studied. I can't think of anyone else off the top of my head who turned their "apology" video into a song like this. It's completely delusional and detached from any reality you and I co-exist in.

Colleen Ballinger is a shitty, awful, evil person who is not only deserving of your scorn and vitriol, but is also someone who should have to pay for what she has done. If it isn't jailtime (which it should be!) then we can at least try to take comfort in hopefully never having to hear from or see her ever again.

Stay safe out there, friends. There's a lot of nasty people in the world.

[fernysbasement]

On reading Dune not as a hero’s journey

Every time I saw people READ Dune and interpret Paul as very much the hero of the story I worried a little bit, about myself and how much bias I must have poured into my reading to understand this: that Paul is begrudgingly playing his part in a huge conspiracy that he hates, but which he can’t find a good enough way to oppose. 

Whether he is the expected Kwisatz Haderach, “the chosen one” seems a lot less important than what that entails. For himself and the future of humanity.

So, now that I’ve learned a bit about how to make conscious readings of text (and mind you, I’ve learned just a bit... enough to pass a couple exams, I suppose) I found myself in need of tracking the exact bits that informed such a reading. 

And I mean strictly the first book. We go the Barthes way here, no author commentary, no sequels, just the text within the book with only a whiff of the historical context in which it was produced. 

If we take free will to be a core theme and hope for the characters, which can be glimpsed by calling the rebel forces the Fremen, for instance; there’s little in the way of a happy narrative to be found. The Spice Melange, the amazing substance that can grant an extended life, extended consciousness, extended awareness... is coupled with a terrible realization. 

‘ We're trapped here, she agreed.

And she accepted the truth of his words. No pressure of the Bene Gesserit, no trickery or artifice could pry them completely free from Arrakis: the spice was addictive. Her body had known the fact long before her mind awakened to it. ‘

-When Paul finally realizes that he is, more or less, the supreme being that secret organizations had been scheming for generations to conceive, through careful breeding programs and planting of cultural blueprints... that sense of inevitability and entrapment in a net far too grand and systemic only becomes more clear.  

‘ And he thought: I'm a seed.

He suddenly saw how fertile was the ground into which he had fallen, and with this realization, the terrible purpose filled him, creeping through the empty place within, threatening to choke him with grief.

He had seen two main branchings along the way ahead--in one he confronted an evil old Baron and said: "Hello, Grandfather." The thought of that path and what lay along it sickened him.

The other path held long patches of grey obscurity except for peaks of violence. He had seen a warrior religion there, a fire spreading across the universe with the Atreides green and black banner waving at the head of fanatic legions drunk on spice liquor. Gurney Halleck and a few others of his father's men--a pitiful few--were among them, all marked by the hawk symbol from the shrine of his father's skull.

"I can't go that way," he muttered. "That's what the old witches of your schools really want."

"I don't understand you, Paul," his mother said.

He remained silent, thinking like the seed he was, thinking with the race consciousness he had first experienced as terrible purpose. He found that he no longer could hate the Bene Gesserit or the Emperor or even the Harkonnens. 

They were all caught up in the need of their race to renew its scattered inheritance, to cross and mingle and infuse their bloodlines in a great new pooling of genes.And the race knew only one sure way for this--the ancient way, the tried and certain way that rolled over everything in its path: jihad.

Surely, I cannot choose that way, he thought.But he saw again in his mind's eye the shrine of his father's skull and the violence with the green and black banner waving in its midst.‘

-Paul sees this path as the way humanity may remain constant in the universe, a universe it conquers and subdues. But at no point is he pleased by this, at no point does he embrace his place with joy, pride or passion. 

The tone remains as dry as the dessert that surrounds the characters most of the time. 

‘ Paul had sensed the jihad in their words, shrugged off the question with one of his own--learning then that Kaleff, the elder of the two, was ten, and the natural son of Geoff. Orlop, the younger, was eight, the natural son of Jamis. 

It had been a strange day with these two standing guard over him because he asked it, keeping away the curious, allowing him the time to nurse his thoughts and prescient memories, to plan a way to prevent the jihad.’ 

(...)

‘ "Nothing money won't repair, I presume," Paul said.

"Except for the lives, m'Lord," Gurney said, and there was a tone of reproach in his voice as though to say: "When did an Atreides worry first about things when people were at stake?"

But Paul could only focus his attention on the inner eye and the gaps visible to him in the time-wall that still lay across his path. Through each gap the jihad raged away down the corridors of the future.’ 

(...)

‘ Even the faint gaps were closed now. Here was the unborn jihad, he knew. ’

(...)

‘ And Paul saw how futile were any efforts of his to change any smallest bit of this. He had thought to oppose the jihad within himself, but the jihad would be. 

His legions would rage out from Arrakis even without him. They needed only the legend he already had become. He had shown them the way, given them mastery even over the Guild which must have the spice to exist.

A sense of failure pervaded him, and he saw through it that Feyd-Rautha Harkonnen had slipped out of the torn uniform, stripped down to a fighting girdle with a mail core.

This is the climax, Paul thought. From here, the future will open, the clouds part onto a kind of glory. And if I die here, they'll say I sacrificed myself that my spirit might lead them. And if I live, they'll say nothing can oppose Muad'Dib.‘

-Notice that the conjunction there is AND, not BUT. Which can be understood as these results not being quite contrary. 

-Then, after slaying his last enemy, the book ends with these words, shared mostly between Paul and those most close to him, his mother and his concubine: 

‘ "The Fremen are mine," Paul said. "What they receive shall be dispensed by Muad'Dib. It'll begin with Stilgar as Governor on Arrakis, but that can wait."

"And for me?" Jessica asked.

"Is there something you wish?"

"Perhaps Caladan," she said, looking at Gurney. "I'm not certain. I've become too much the Fremen . . . and the Reverend Mother. I need a time of peace and stillness in which to think."

"That you shall have," Paul said, "and anything else that Gurney or I can give you."

Jessica nodded, feeling suddenly old and tired.  She looked at Chani. "And for the royal concubine?"

"No title for me," Chani whispered. "Nothing. I beg of you."

Paul stared down into her eyes, remembering her suddenly as she had stood once with little Leto in her arms, their child now dead in this violence. "I swear to you now," he whispered, "that you'll need no title. That woman over there will be my wife and you but a concubine because this is a political thing and we must weld peace out of this moment, enlist the Great Houses of the Landsraad. We must obey the forms. Yet that princess shall have no more of me than my name. No child of mine nor touch nor softness of glance, nor instant of desire."

"So you say now," Chani said. She glanced across the room at the tail princess.

"Do you know so little of my son?" Jessica whispered. "See that princess standing there, so haughty and confident. They say she has pretensions of a literary nature. Let us hope she finds solace in such things; she'll have little else." A bitter laugh escaped Jessica. "Think on it, Chani: that princess will have the name, yet she'll live as less than a concubine -- never to know a moment of tenderness from the man to whom she's bound. While we, Chani, we who carry the name of concubine -- history will call us wives."

Here I will concede that Jessica’s proclamation seems victorious enough, but I can’t help putting emphasis into the subterfuge and compromises made. Paul has displaced a despot, but not punished him. He’s playing the political game, he hasn’t overthrown the system he despises, simply taken a higher position within it, because that’s the lesser evil as far as he can see, and the path in which at least he remains alive, in accordance to the wishes of his family and those that look up to him. 

So... my reading may not be diamond-solid, of that much I’m aware, but at the very least I’ve shed some light on why I felt the way I did about Paul’s journey not as that of a hero, but of a reluctant monarch. A messiah to those beneath him, but a conscious cog in a machine, in a greater sense. 

Now I wonder which tone will the coming movie display, how will it portray the actions and feelings of the characters involved and the futility of their actions against the grand designs that predict and guide them. The photography seems to be quite grey, and that may prove to be telling.  But there are more than fifty shades of grey.   

[nanakah]

about Ishigami, his growth and Miko's role

most people, myself included, thought at some point that Tsubame's rejection (or acceptance) could wrap up Ishigami's arc and even his past's flashbacks neatly, but Osaragi's arc suddenly revealing there was more to his relationship with Miko made me reflect more and think nah...if anything we're halfway there. It also showed glimpses of him already struggling to find his place in the world by quitting his clubs, even though he was successful at them and there was no Ootomo incident yet to undermine his self-image.

It seemed odd that despite everything he went through he still has his "hair=shield/averting eyes" theme going strong, but it makes sense if you consider even though Tsubame helped him see the way to be more accepting of people and cleared his name, his self-esteem still is super low. I spoke of this in my "sutera" meta, but to Ishigami, his life still has been a sucession of failures and almosts. At his core, he still hasn't fully opened up to people or learned to use his vulnerabilities to his advantage.

If I have grabbed your interest thus far, keep reading for more considerations!

Tsubame is kind to anyone and attempted to do good for him, but ultimately he was never fully himself around her, nor she tried/he alllowed her reaching out to the deepest parts of his insecurities. She doesn't show her own flaws to him either and to this day we get the feeling we don't know her well, just the best parts that Ishigami wanted to see. Kaguya, Miyuki and Chika contribute a lot in a sibling-like way, but there's a limit to how much Kaguya in particular can inspire him. Miko however, has scratched a little beneath the surface and has expressed an interest in helping him with that, even if he himself is still avoiding the topic. She's also more relatable to him in the sense that the rest of the stuco has a history of successes in their lives, while he was able to watch Miko's hardships and failures closely. Their panic attacks even look similar and they're always watching the other to provide backup (in a very roundabout way, at least before) when they happen.

While their personalities are fundamentally different, his arc and struggles remind me a lot of Miyamura from Horimiya and today, as I was musing on what is so different about them as of now, I believe it's how Miyamura didn't have a single *traumatic* mistake to get over, so he goes down his development road much faster. Putting it another way, it's ultimately that Ishigami hasn't yet learned to be kind to himself like Miyamura has through Hori. Like Shirogane and Kaguya are through themselves. In Miyamura's case, sympathizing with how Hori despite her strong exterior can be very fragile inside but still support him (fight for him, defend him, accept his true self, not judge him, hear him, make him feel good enough) made him feel compelled to grow stronger to protect her back.

Miko as she was at the beggining of the story couldn't provide Ishigami this sort of stability (and that's where Osaragi's "prettier story"/"you weren't there for him" reasoning fails) even if deep down she wanted to, but now after making many mistakes, learning from them and becoming more flexible, she absolutely can. Both Ishigami and Miko have deeply rooted issues that took them more than just each other to flesh out and develop, but they're very much the missing puzzle piece the other needs.

Miko still very much has room for growth as well, mainly concerning finding a middle ground between her "bad girl" and "good girl" personas that Ishigami can easily see through, as demonstrated by the consolation chapter. She tried being "bad", she attempted lying but was still saying half-truths, because her love of justice isn't just out of parental abandonment issues or loneliness - she does believe them sincerely. The moment Ishigami headpated her and shared genuine, spot-on words of concern and admiration (thus a hint of fondness), it was all over for her trying to keep up the love-warfare upper hand.

That's not actually new - Ishigami has always demonstrated he was able to see glimpses of her true self, be it teasing how she's an otaku or a closet pervert and such, he never fully bought the strait-laced image she aspired to make real. But it did take him being around her more to see she could be sweet to him and as he puts it, that smiling more is not a bad look on her. Miko says to Osaragi your true self only comes through interacting with others, so given how lonely she has always been (and how the one person close to her - Osaragi - was actually keeping things between them superficial because of her own problems), it's no surprise she's only finding out now who she is. Ishigami can help Miko find a better compromise of good/bad after both not following any rules at all for so long and recently learning that hard work can pay off. Miko immersing herself in his hobby will clash with her rigid study schedule sooner or later, and he'll know how to help her with that better than anyone else.

On the other hand, Ishigami's moral compass, romanticism (love for flowers, planing dates etc) and idealism aren't things he is proud of...yet. He protects himself with layers of cynism, especially in his first appearances, but he is always being contradictory and letting it slip how idealistic/pure he is at heart. He also is only now learning to like his outward image with things like fitness/studying and finding out it's not like he never cared about it - it's just that he was scared shitless of failure, thus never even tried hard in the first place to avoid being hurt. And as I have advocated for in the Sutera post, I expect Miko in some level to help him come to terms with seeing good in himself. Heck, even being able to game with her now and showing off how good he is and having her appreciate it is gonna do wonders to make him feel more "adequate". Tsubame's arc had a lot of him changing himself to become "better", but Miko on the other hand is trying to put herself in HIS shoes to maybe go "hey, I like you as you are. I'm trying to understand you more and put effort in for you".

Ishigami and Miko start out watching out for each other behind their backs - which instead of helping their relationship, drives them further apart because they think the other side is showing no appreciation. As the story progresses, they're slowly learning to make each other more aware of their support, and it is making them open up more in general.

They have a strong belief the other wants to be rescued and there is truth in that. Both want help and to be recognized for their efforts, but won't cry out for it. In the unplugged earbuds chapter Ishigami takes it upon himself to protect Miko's reputation in spite of himself, the election arc has him actually putting effort into the campaign just for the sake of protecting her and at first posing as a rival of hers to Shirogane only to reveal he's trying to "make Miko smile", he is constantly fending off men from interacting with her as protection (while also sounding jealous), he was way more protective of her when she was wearing that cast than needed and is now being able to openly headpat her and sounds almost like her "soothing sounds" from the days of yore lol Sure Tsubame seems like his start to becoming "a better man", but all the way back on the election, it was for Miko's sake that we first SEE him putting effort into *anything* without being coerced by anyone to take action.

And while it's more discreet compared to Ishigami's "white knight" attitude, Miko also tries hard to protect him - cheering him on during the sports festival race and wanting to console him before the stuco intervened, telling him he should study (but he thinks it's just nagging), christmas (which I'll elaborate bellow), making sure he was able to graduate middle school by actually confronting school staff and, of course, their very first meeting as recently revealed.

Many people hated the entirety of Osaragi's arc, but 232 gave very juicy info indeed. Ishigami's reason for supporting Miko from the shadows comes from admiration AND part gratitude for her attempting to talk to him and listen to what troubles him, and seeing they actually had a "falling out" argument was game changing.

He looks sad and troubled to have shut her down there, not simply angry, and so does she (there's tears in her eyes when her face is shown in the next page) - despite her black and white sense of justice at this point of the story, she still wanted to listen to him. And even after that outburst she still believed the rumors weren't real, unlike Osaragi sees it - otherwise she wouldn't have made the effort for him to be able to move on to high school. Why would she care, if she truly hated him and thought he was in the wrong?

If any further proof was needed at all that this info is important, I'm happy to say we have more. I noticed the Christmas stairs scene mirrors this exact falling out moment: "Go away"/"Suit yourself"

But this time Miko had already decided to change, had already seen the mess their relationship became the last time she did not reach out to him and thus already had their previous falling out in mind - meaning she decides to chase after him.

I don't like how the scanlations handled this scene because reading the japanese raws, my interpretation was that Miko was sounding "annoying" because she was still kinda drunk/unfiltered and freaking out when talking to Ishigami, not outright berating him like the Jaimini's box translation made it look like. She also sounds too angry after the fall, so I generally thought Viz's version (the panel shown above) was closer to the original.

"I always have to take care of you! You keep putting youself in danger. You can't make it on your own." is a better translation than Jaimini's, and also parallels better what Ishigami is often telling Miko as well (That she keeps putting herself in danger and that he has to be around to keep her in check). But with 232 in mind, I think it misses a nuance of the original line: "ほんとあんたは 私が居ないと危なっかしく駄目ね" - "Honto anta wa watashi ga inaito abunakkashiku dame ne" - while I'm a novice at japanese studies, gathering from what I can read and trying to get a feel of the whole sentence, it's closer to "So it really is dangerous to you if I'm not there/ It's no good if I'm not around you". You can take that as her being full of herself, which is the route Jaimini's goes ("You'd be screwed without me") but that's too hostile - Viz's got the spirit of wanting to protect him better, but the original has an implication that she has "tested not being there"/failed being there before (due to not fully siding with him in middle school) that's absent elsewhere.

IMO the reason Ishigami's "closed his eyes" arc is not over yet is because he hasn't accepted or gotten over or fully learned from his past yet, he simply shut it down. That's why briefly during the sports festival his eyes are in plain view, then go back to their usual for the balloon gag. I'm not sure if Ootomo herself will make a comeback, may or may not - regrets are regrets and sometimes the only solution to them is letting them stay in the past. But the topic of how he saw Miko in middle school and the letter certainly are being set up to still show up in the story.

If I compare him to Miyamura again, he'd still be at the point before Miyamura's haircut - not wanting to face the parts of himself he doesn't like, not quite ready to change. Not quite ready to patch up his own wounds yet and instead silencing everything from his past.

In this sense, Miko does wonders to make him feel more confident even if he hasn't realized it yet, and she's always dropping little hints she'd like him to worry about his future not in a naggy way, but because she genuinely prays for his success. He unconsciously wants Miko to think well of him and it fills him with confidence and a more prideful image of himself he doesn't really display to anyone else, not even Tsubame - like his usages of "ore" (a more manly/confident way of addressing himself) around her (AND HER ALONE):

( I don't like the available translations to the staircase scene either, lol. Zaibatsu has conveyed the tone of the second scene up there perfectly. For the staircase line, I've seen "I'll be there to catch you" and "I'll save you" which are contextually correct, but to me the original "俺が絶対守る" - "I (ore) will absolutely protect you" carries a much more romantic nuance or ambiguity, regardless of him realizing it at that point. It's like, the title to one of the most romantic moments/songs in the CCS Clear card anime ost, for instance. OF COURSE MIKO LOVES HIM. The narrator doesn't overexplain or take apart Ishimiko's interactions like for Prezguya, but all the evidence needed is there. And I gotta add the very next chapter to the staircase one is the "eternal love" x "real love" I'm super fond of that says fate is irrelevant and to find real love you must use your head to realize/understand things, so makes the romantic subtext even greater.)

This whole affair is also making me open my eyes that I should try to study japanese more...of course I'm happy to have translations and scanlators working hard, but there is something inherently lost in adaptations because it robs you of connecting with the author's intentions unless it was the author who wrote the translation in the first place

Thinking back on Ishigami's early "i wanna die/i'm going home/don't look at me" role, it seems unbelievable we're at the point he's now able to directly confront a "stranger" (lololol) or make serious promises with so much confidence.

PLEASE DON'T END SO SOON MANGA, I NEED MORE.

( off-topic kind of, but i'm lazy to make a separate post just for it: Since I mentioned things lost in translation, I saw something on Discord about Ishigami having an unreliable narrator moment in the "compliments" chapter/Iino Miko cannot love part 4 and holy molly, it is true. He first says something akin to "You're just too beautiful" out of context, Miko HEARS IT - and that's why she looks so shocked before asking for clarification - and he DID SAY IT in the speech bubble, but after she's nice to him and he thinks back to what he said he adds a "Your handwriting is just too beautiful" to his flashback. I'm ONTO HIM. ONTO HIM I SAY. It is what he meant, but it's like his mouth betrayed him. Whether it's unconscious or denial...it totally is something. The scanlation completely skips this and had the same line both times it's mentioned.)

[your-ace-cousin-clover]

hey, this one's gonna be long, so grab a chair and a snack.

first of all i wanna say thanks for the poetry recommendations! (I'll keep the anti-love poems and postcard from the heartbreak hotel in my back pocket, just in case...) always glad to expand my to-read list! :))

moving on: to be honest, no, i haven't read a lot of eastern poetry - mostly due to my past conviction of "reading translations sucks". but i've read translations of some arabic poems recently and there's sort of a melancholy that sneaks up with it? see, my grandfather on my dad's side is iraqi, but my dad never taught me arabic, so i'm always partly grieving a hypothetical what-could've-been.

anyway, i've checked out some stuff by tagore (& darwish)!

on tagore: i read "gitanjali 35" & loved the line "Into that heaven of freedom, my Father, let my country awake." feels like a dam bursting open. i rly enjoyed "crossing 16" and "on the seashore" too! idk, but it feels like the last line in tagore's poems is the first breath you take after you finish running a mile? does that make sense?

on darwish: i especially liked passport & he is quiet and so am i! darwish seems like a very storyteller-ish kinda poet? and i like the rhythm of his writing; it's very.... alive? like if i stare at it too long it'll blink.

also, i gotta agree with you on ginsberg! i love, love, love vivid poetry and i used to really want to study film - because writing seemed (to me at least) like it lacked the visual aspect?

to answer your question about siken: you are jeff definitely hits hard, but i think planet of love might be my favorite. it's hard to pick just one, but something about the director/actor dynamic really speaks to me. the certainty of "you know your lines" & "you've memorized it" juxtaposed with the general sense of uncertainty throughout the poem feels very real? its choppy, the sentences are short, "there's a gun in your hand. it feels hot. it feels oily." there's a gun in your hand and each sentence is a bullet wound. and the way it ends! it builds and builds and builds suspense but there's no resolution, it's just tense. it asks whats next? and never answers the question. it just hits the brakes - suddenly you're rigid and frozen in time. it's being trapped in a fraction of a second and "everyone's watching, everyone's curious, everyone's holding their breath." and i didn't always like it, but somewhere along the line i started having panic attacks and it REALLY grew on me lmao

this ask is getting long, so i'm gonna end it here, but thanks again!

P.S.: would you maybe be up for giving me a poetry prompt? i could send you the poem in another ask. (might be fun)

-cat

Cat! :)

First of all, I want to complement your style of describing things. It's so poetic. Tagore like "the first breath you take after you finish running a mile" and Darwish like "very storyteller-ish kinda poet and rhythm of his writing; it's very.... alive". AGHHH, I squealed reading those lines, like what???? That is so fucking raw (Sorry for cursing, but ahhhh). You are poet in the way you just like talk about things.

Also, quick side note, I'm glad that the poems are in your back pocket. Hope you never have to turn to them, due to their nature, but if you ever do, I hope they help.

I'm glad you like Darwish and Tagore. "My father led my country awake" always punches me in the gut. It's so strong and emotive. I sympathise with you about the language barrier. I suck at speaking languages other than English, but I'm not a native english speaker. So even I want to enjoy poetry in languages than English, I have to read the translations which puts a damper on it. But, God bless translations, I love the way you described it in your last post that makes them seem so pure and the fact that someone weighted all these words to convey a human emotion across a pages and across ages is just.. mwah.

Ginsberg is my shit. (Again sorry!) The openings lines of Howl hit my Christian Iconography Yearning, like the vivid imagery..? "angelheaded hipsters burning for the ancient heavenly connection to the starry dynamo in the machinery of night," I vibe with that feeling of wanting to reach divinity and holiness with your writing. The raw, exposed nerve of that writing.

And before like I got heavy into poetry, I also felt the same way about how 2d writing can be. But, then you have things that help transcend the page like : slam poetry or hybrid forms which combine writing with more dynamism like choreopoetry. But even within itself, poetry transcends the page, by drawing out emotion and just speaking to you. This was a piece I read a while ago that has performances online and is very acclaimed : "For Colored Girls Who Have Considered Suicide / When the Rainbow Is Enuf." (Although it deals with very heavy topics though so heavy tw)

And I read Planet of Love! The abrupt way it ends just hits you so strongly and absolutely leaves you frozen. Have you read "Wishbone" or "A Primer for Small Weird Loves"? Both hit very strongly as well.

And I'd absolutely love to give you a prompt: "Saint Valentines". Does that work?

[And don't worry about long asks, they are funny to read through and answer :)))) ]

Look forward to hearing from you and reading the poem! Prompt poetry is pretty fun!

[everosfics]

At last I can breath

Warning: several bad words

A/N : so this took forever🙂 Sory about that. You ever have it all written but there’s this chunk you know you need but don’t know how to put it there well that was like two parts of this chapter, so enjoy what I have come up with. See you next chapter.

Ch.2 A year of transition

Lila POV

“Finally that bitch is done, won’t even look at me, sure I lost a few battles like when I lost Agrest but no mater there’s bigger and better out there. So What, one person won’t make my tower crumble and a small crack is just a minor distraction.

So long as Dupain-Cheng only has her little blondes to back her up it’ll be fine.”

Mari POV

It’s been about a year now since Lila’s return and while she has been a pan in my side and a huge agitator, I really don’t think she has been the hardest part of my life. God just saying that makes me feel horribly stressed, like oh yeah it’s junior year college scouts, senior class study abroad program planing, Akuma fights, all on top of a pathological Liar who has it out for me. Oh well I’m so fucking tired right now it’s been such an emotional year from the struggle to get use to Lila, to realizing that there’s only a few people out there that I can really trust. Thank god for Chlo without her I don’t think I would have made it through all that’s happened this year.

“Hey Mari were all going to go work on the ideas for the fundraiser are you coming.”

“Yeah I’m coming, can’t wait to see what each class is thinking about doing.”

***

Last year in the bathroom

“ Dupain-Cheng what the fucking hell was that. Who the hell does she think she is. I swear this is ridiculous.”

“Chloe what do you want.”

“From you nothing , from that sleaze ball an explanation on who the hell she thinks she is it’s not like you have done anything to her other than question her story.”

“I’m fine Chloe there’s nothing you can do, and why are you trying to help me anyway”

“Ugh. Dupa-, Marinette I may not show it but I am extremely thankful to everything that you have done for me, my family, and my reputation here at school. You have helped me in so many small ways and actually seeing what I was like, is a punch to the stomach. So I’m sorry and I hope I can make it up to you some way.”

“Huh huh huh *gasp* Chloe, I got here as fast as I could Mrs Bustier didn’t want to let me out with so many students already out of class.” *record scratch* sees Mari on floor. “What’s going on in here?”

“Sabrina listen to me I need you to understand this, Lila is threatening anyone who is standing against her so I need you to go back to class act like you didn’t see us and hang on every word Lila says. Ok. I’ll tell you the rest later tonight when we get back to the hotel, just know that as of right now you’re a spy and I-we need you to get close to Lila.”

“Okay. It will be alright Marinette. See you tonight Chlo.”

***

“Chloe I’m worried about Adrien, have you seen him recently?”

“No I haven’t, not outside of school and even then he’s all gloomy with that leach hanging off of him.

“Hey Marinette can I talk to you?”

“Sure Kagami what is it?”

“Well I kinda wanted to do it in private it’s about Adrien.”

“Kagami whatever you have to say about him is fine to say in front of Chlo she’s worried to.”

“Ok, well you know how we have practice after school every other day”

“Yeah?”

“Well last week and again on Monday I saw him with bruises and nail marks across his body, the bruise I get sometimes in practice we can get hit to hard but there were so many I think something is happening at home, and the nail marks I know I don’t see him in class but how is it going with that Rossi problem.”

“She still clings on him but based on what you’re saying I think he probably has been pulling away and she is holding on tighter.”

“Mari, Tuskugi I’ll need your help but I think we need to inform Mr. Agrest or at least Natalie of what we believe to be happening.”

“Your right Chlo but I don’t know how we’re going to get a chance with how close Lila has gotten with Mr. Agrest and his brand.”

“If I may, my mother has been discussing my need for understanding the context of when it is appropriate to lash out and I believe we have yet to focus on abuse in all forms along with what bullying is.”

“Go on Tuskugi?”

“I believe that if my mother was to approach the school with an interest towards seminars in these subjects we could go around both Lila and interference from the elder Agrest”

———

“In the recommendation of several of our families it is a pleasure to present to you our assembly on bullying and abuse.”

(After assembly)

“Nice Tuskugi you did it”

“Chloe it’s Kagami you can use my name. Any way I’m going to be here for good mother is allowing me to continue in this school so long as I keep up with my practices.”

“Well, Kagami, it’s good to have you on board even if you won’t be in class with us.”

(Some where else in the building)

“Hey Lila, I think that you need to start giving me some space from now on,”

“Bu-bu-but why?”

“Well my father saw the nail marks you are leaving and has requested that we spend time apart so that my arm may heal”

***

In Marinette’s room

“Mari I feel funny”

“Chloe I’m working if you aren’t dying can you bother me later”

“But Dupain, Sabrina’s undercover and no one else will listen.”

“Huff, Ok what is it Chloe”

“Well it’s not horrible but eveytime were around kitty section I feel funny, but it’s only when everyone is together I feel nothing when we’re in class and everyone is there.

“Maybe your just mad because no one is really doing anything inside class so when we’re out of it your mad.”

“Marinette that’s not it and you know it, braced on the facts Chlo only feels nervous”

“I’m not nervous”

“When it’s the entirety of kitty section which means her reaction is caused by Luka.”

“Ooooh Chloe has a crush!”

“DO NOT”

“Yes you do”

“Yes, Chloe it is most probable you have a crush on Luka similar to back when I was discovering what it was like to similarly enjoy the presence of another”

“Oh shut up” Chloe said as she launched a pillow right at Kagami who ducked it making it hit Mari, unleashing a pillow fight that would lead to the girls having a pillow fight until both Chloe and Kagami where picked up by there rides.

***

“Bug!!!!” “M’lady” “Tentōmushi.”

It’s all I can hear as I gasp from the puncture that I now have right through my lung. All I can see are rushing shapes as Luka tries to get to his bracelet and the suddenly I can breathe again, I see Luka make a call and all of a sudden bee is there with her stinger at the ready, my heart is still racing but I don’t know why. I start running towards the akuma but Chlo”s already there with her venom out and monster frozen then I’m running as fast as I can to chat because he has the akumatized item and then that’s it the swarm is released and it’s like I know what’s happening.

“I’m running out of time, everyone go home and recharge we need to talk I’ll meet you on top of the tower in 30 minutes”

———

“Bug why are we here?”

“Well it’s been about six months since the forced reveal and public change of users. I feel as though we now need to confirm our identity with each other since before that time each of you had been serving for over a year.”

“But why now?”

“Why?! Because I almost died today we almost lost and I can’t tell anyone unless I’m in this suit. We need support and no one else can give it to us so we need to build our on support team inside and out of being suppers. So I will be going home to a safe space and any of you who are ready to know who I am and share your secret with the others can follow me. I will never hold this moment against you and I will leave my location visible if you need to take your time.”

“Chat are you coming?”

“Wherever you need me.”

———

“So now that we all know what does that mean. Where do we go now?”

“We go no where, we trust and have each other’s backs.”

“Well I personally don’t know why we did this Mari you knew who all of us were and I knew who all of you were, I even put together who Rena, and carapace were.

“Wait how did Chloe know before me M’Lady”

“Well, actually I don’t know?! Chloe how did you know”

“Well big we all know how you are and I sort of put your personality together from that and then no one in Paris is as sunshiny as Adrikins here,”

“humf”

“Don’t humf me you know it’s true. And after that well me and Luk’s started talking and there was something so calming about him and how he took care of everyone. Then of course I noticed how there was really only one more of us left, two if we count Sabrina but Gami was the only one that makes since because well look at her she’s vicious and loyal and most importantly is the only other one of us that has dark hair.”

“Well that’s fair.”

“Wait I still don’t get how you confirmed it?”

“Oh I gave pollen free will she can do whatever she wants whenever and the only downside is that I have to ask her if we can join battle.”

“WHAT!!!!!”

“What do you mean what? Of course she has free will why would I ever keep her like a servant.”

In a meek voice “I’m the guardian and even I didn’t know that they didn’t have free will, Tiki I'm so sorry I didn’t know. As guardian you now have free will Tiki. Adrian go get the Miracle box we have to free them all and no one but Tiki stayed out.”

“Kwamis’ as your guardian I wished I had known that you had no free will and as your guardian I am granting you that freedom but I wish to still have a connection with each of you, as you will work on your own in your own way I hope to keep your miraculous with me and your users so that if need arises we must only tap on them to call to you and inform you of your need, never to merge without your express permission but to work as partners not masters. Do you accept these terms?”

“YES”

“As guardian, on these terms all Kwamis’ under my care are free to do as they wish and will always have a home with each other and a family in there new found partners.

***

(Present)

“ Mari were here we’re going second pay attention Aurore just came up with an auction as a fundraiser.”

“That should work great well just need to do a bit more around the gaining items and how much of the revenue we will get to keep. Now after our pitch we will probably need at least six more ideas and committees to execute them, overall we need eight to even think about doing the trip for the whole senior class even if we get a sponsor other than whatever school we enter for those 6 weeks.”

“Bug your always thinking a head, just focus on now and we’ll deal with the rest after we come up with the finalized schedule for the bigger events.”

Tag list : @thezestywalru

[tiredbiostudent]

hey! I'm also a bio student in my first year. any tips on surviving uni as a science student? 😊💕

disclaimer I am absolutely the worst person to ask for university advice but I will try my best! might be unconventional but if ur a chronic procrastinator slash don’t have motivation or know how to study slash have mental Chillness™ this could be for u! kinda general, kinda science related. enjoyyy

-Mendeley is a GODSEND. it’s a program you can download for free to your laptop and makes organizing/reading through and annotating scientific papers so much easier. plus it recommends articles relevant to ones you’re using! this could be helpful in a lot of ways but it provided me a ton of cool papers I want to read related to my interests (bc I wrote a paper on what I’m into yk)-kinda related: if you’ve found an awesome article that supports your data/argument, check the references to find more useful papers!

-you don’t always need to buy the textbook. if the professor says they won’t be testing you directly on textbook material, don’t buy it! even if it’s recommended. I mean if you gain a lot from reading then go for it, but usually it’s friggen expensive and you never end up using it (plus they usually have a couple books on hold at the library for students to use)

-do not pull all nighters. one hour of sleep is better than zero, pleaseee trust me. (source: I have pulled too many all nighters, once even two back to back! yikes! and the aftermath is always shitty)

-kinda obvious but... keep everything organized! find what works for you. personally I like to have everything scheduled on google calendar + my bujo, but also keep a sheet posted in my room with only things I have to hand in or tests in chronological order, so I know exactly what I have to do/hand in each week

-for labs- do as much prep + as much of the in lab assignment as you can beforehand! labs can get stressful and time flies quickly

-you’re not gonna remember anything you think you will so write that shit down bruv

-did you procrastinate too much and now you have to watch a 45 minute video before your class that starts in half an hour?? don’t fear, just put your playback speed to 1.5x or up B)

-go to lecture bro. even if you aren’t able to focus or take notes, at the very least you’ll have some sort of idea of what was talked about and things to focus on or not

-when picking courses- try to find the most recent syllabi. sometimes the department website will post them, other times you can try googling the course name and it’ll come up. this is super helpful bc it gives you an actual insight into the content and marking scheme

-chronic procrastination gang: GO SOMEWHERE TO STUDY. I cannot study or get anything done in my room literally at all, so find 3-5 solid spots on campus (or wherever) you’re able to be productive, and cycle thru them during the week.

-if you’re scared to ask ur prof questions (like me!) ask your TA during lab/tutorial- usually they’re way less intimidating and usually are a student who took the course fairly recently, so they can give u legit advice

-if you’re having a shitty day, blast music while walking thru campus and pretend you’re in a movie (recommendations: the less I know the better by tame impala, remember when by wallows, myth by beach house)

-listening in on questions ppl ask in lab and exams is actually so helpful dsfshdfjfksd

-you don’t have to start the assignment right away, but it’s always a good idea to at least look over the guidelines so you know what you have to do.

-research experience can be pretty important but also intimidating and stressful. I always wanted to get involved but never knew how! I wish someone told me straight up what to do when I was in first year so: a. go to the bio (or whichever) department website for your university and search through the professor listings. usually it’ll include a blurb about what their research focuses on, if they have a lab with the university.b. find a lab you’re interested in, read a bit about it, and send a professional-ish, friendly email telling them you’re interested in getting involved in the lab! include things that stood out to you too. and you don’t need experience either, just let them know you’re enthusiastic and eager to learn, or any other relevant stuff.

I hope this was kinda helpful? feel free to message me or send more asks if you want anymore /bad/ advice :)

[morethanonepage]

Hey so I think about John Constantine a lot because who doesn't, but lately I've just been thinking about how like, he's often portrayed as like, really competent when it come to magic and I'm just over here like No!! hes a dumbass! he doesn't know what hes doing! sure hes smart at times and he has studied, but typically hes not just doing intricate rituals and casting spells, instead hes relying on other people and his wits, not magic. anyways i have feelings

Honestly and after much thought and soul searching (I don’t have a life) I’ve come to what should’ve been a really obvious conclusion: it’s because if he’s on a team he has to serve a narrative function. Like if you put John on a team he has to be adding something to it, and esp if it’s a team put together by someone else (i mean it would have to be – John’s not going around looking to be involved in anything where he has to be around reliably and do things for other people) it looks bad for the team-maker to have picked john if he’s like, incompetent.

And I don’t think John is really incompetent, i just think the point of John in hellblazer is, he’s selfish and self interested and as good as he needs to be but no more. Hellblazer usually just handwaves it as ‘i did a thing and it worked kinda’, bc Hellblazer is my kind of magic universe that gives no fucks. But he’s good enough at survival and sometimes that means saving the world (seeing as he lives in it) and everything else is just, him bumbling along and bumping into spooky shit (and also never being fully willing to remove himself from the spooky shit life, even when he knows it’s going to ruin his relationships). 

But that’s the sort of personal exploration/commentary that makes sense for a book that’s just about John & his mess. LoT/JLD care less about that -- they just need A Magic User -- and it looks weird if they pick a magic user who’s shit at it, it wouldn’t make any sense, so instead, he’s Good At Magic But A Jerk (who just needs A Team to fix him). And like he is, but as a trope (Competent Man Who’s A Jerk) it’s a little less interesting to me. 

Of course now a lot of the media that should be just John focused (more recent John Constantine-central comics, even the show to a degree) have kind of bought into the idea of him being like, good at stuff and an active character, bc again, that’s a more accessible and traditional narrative. They make him have like actual goals (saving his soul, seeing his mom again, etc) when that wasn’t as much of a thing in Hellblazer. Like the guilt over Astra and even his mother was a thing, but a thing in the way of ‘a reason for John to wallow in how shit he is (and consider leaving Magic behind)’ and not ‘a motive for John to go out into the world and try to take care of supernatural threats.’ 

I mean at least in the show it took some pushing -- having Chas be part of that push, bc he is more goal oriented [and in the comics too, btw: not so much about the magic stuff but about, i’m going to get a job and a wife and a child and be as different as possible from my mother kind of way] was a choice I liked, but in general I always had some trouble with the Manny stuff in terms of ‘here’s your chance to redeem yourself for Astra’ being a goal post John was theoretically working towards. Like he fought against it with some regularity at least, but idk, it was one of my problems with the whole concept of Constantine (2014), which was aggressively network American TV in its framing, with too much focus on ‘oh but look we showed him smoking!!! and being a dick!!!!’ instead of like, thought about why stuff like the smoking and the dickishness and the bisexuality mattered in the comics.

Like the closest the show got to understanding John’s relationship with magic was the bit with Papa Midnite where he was like ‘you use bits and pieces of a million magical traditions with no respect or understanding for them,’ which really highlighted the weird colonial/appropriative nature of John’s magic, but even that seemed to have few if any consequences for john, so :/

[becky-helene]

Random video game wondering. Long post, sorry mobile app doesn't allow for "read more" and I'm too lazy to post this via means that do have ability to insert "read mores".

I have a question for people who play rpg games (specifically Dragon Age and Mass Effect since those are the particular games I’m more so thinking of, not to mention the only ones I’ve played….or played a bit of and plan on playing more of in ME’s case…but question also applies for Fallout, Skyrim, or any sort of game that allows for character creation and multiple playthroughs so as to experience different story outcomes)

Do you generally consider your first go through of the game/first created character as your main or “canon” game/character? Or do you hold off on really thinking about canon or main until you’ve found the “type” of playthrough (character, romance, story choices, etc) you like the most? (Or don’t think about canon/main at all and are just like “hey, chill, you’re overthinking”, which is a valid avenue to take too lol).

----(cue contemplating own Ryder options, feel free to scroll past if uninterested)----

I’m all bouncing in my seat waiting for Andromeda, and in that excitement I’ve been contemplating on my Ryder. For now, all I’ve really come up with is that I know it’ll be sisRyder, most likely she’ll embody the “precious cinnamon roll, with the occasional snark” archetype since I tend to gravitate towards that a lot, if hairstyle options include any curly or at least wavy options I'll most likely be using them, cause well duh lol, and….that’s kind of it. Well, there’s also practically a folder full of possible names that I either need to trim down or at least settle on some finalist for first Ryder while holding onto the rest for future sisRyders.

I’m still flip flopping on who she’ll romance. Partly because we don’t really know who is romancable by sisRyders…..but mostly because I can’t decide between Liam and Jaal (assuming they’re romancable at all, let alone by sisRyder). Liam is adorable and my Death in Paradise and Downton Abbey fan self is all “yes plz!” at Gary Carr voicing him (though good god I was not prepared for full Brit accent Gary/Liam. Oh god send help I’m dead).

And Jaal….well, Iron Bull is my #1 Video Game Boyfriend, and I’ve developed serious Garrus love even without playing the whole trilogy for myself. So, clearly large nonhumanoids (and sporting some sort of eye covering apparently, since they’ve all got that in common….oh, and scarring of varrying degrees) that invoke feelings of “fuck, I’d climb him like a tree” is my video game boyfriend type. I’m not discounting the idea of Vetra being my video game girlfriend for a later Ryder regardless of who she’s romancable by, but for now my indecisive ass can only handle two candidates.

A part of me is wondering if I should come up with in depth character study, personality, and what not, and really make Ryder to be like….the best and most (at least to me in my own head) fleshed out as she can be, as I've seen other people doing in preparation for their Ryders. But then another part of be is like “why are you obsessing? She’ll just be your first Ryder, who knows if she’s your main”. Which is true. None of my “main” Dragon Age characters have been my first.

---(long drawn out oversharing of Inquistors/Hawkes/Wardens, again, feel free to scroll past if uninterested)---

For Inquisition, what would be come my canon type of game (f!Adaar mage romancing Iron Bull, mage allies, Wardens stay, I think Orláis outcome that would later become my canon was first used here being reuniting Briala and Celene, Inquisitor drinks from Well, Leliana as divine) was my second ever playthrough.

But it wasn't until I'd played through different characters, romances, choices, etc, before I realized that was my absolute favorite. And it wasn't until my I think 20th/5th (if counting both current games and the games I lost when my PS3 had a meltdown and I lost all my save files/only counting that which I've played since upgrading to ps4) game in total that I declared Yasema Adaar (I think 13th/3rd of f!Adaar mage Bullmances) as my main/canon. And the only reason she beat out previous f!Adaars for "canon" title was because she was the first character (f!adaar and otherwise) I stuck through the entirety of all dlcs with, as supposed to giving up on JoH and/or Descent halfway through and moving on to Trespasser. So, that feat alone deserved the title of main/canon character.

As for my main Warden and Hawke, Hawke is somewhat similar---my favorite "type" of Hawke (f!Mage Fenris rivalmance) was maybe my 2nd or 3rd ever DA2 game (2nd was maybe mage and Fenris friendshipmance, 3rd was when I was like yeah I'm kinda liking the rivalmance). The particular Fenris romancing mageHawke that inevitably became my canon Hawke was just the one of many other mageHawke Fenrismances that I happened to have used in putting together Yasema's world state. So she became canon by default.

Ditto on my Warden. My first ever DAO playthrough was an f!Cousland rogue romancing Alistair and became his queen, my second was f!Amell romancing Alistair and became his mistress when he became king. My Amell became canon because, again, by default due to making the Yasema world state triple dose of mage ladies.

Although, if going by what type played most often.....I guess DAO stands apart from DA2 and DAI in that while those two my most played type became canon, I only have 1 Amell playthrough verses like....3 or 5 Couslands, if counting one that I was in the middle of when playstation had its meltdown and I lost saves thus incomplete game, and another that's from me trying to recently revisit DAO on a computer and I gave up on and is therefore also incomplete unless my console gaming preferring self returns to it at some point.

If we're counting only complete plays, then it's about 3 Couslands, 1 Amell, (also have half of an f!Aeducan that was meant to serve as the third Alistair romance outcome of the two remaining Wardens together, but that got cut short due to PS3 having a second and this time fatal meltdown halfway through playing).

And as for Mass Effect, well I'm still in the middle of attempting to play the original trilogy on PC. It's slow going due to my aforementioned dragging my feet when it comes to PC gaming. So, my Shepherd will automatically be my canon since she'll be the only one most likely lol.

----(okay, enough blather, back to the actual point)----

Okay, this got a lot more long winded and ramble-y than originally intended. Sorry about that.

Anyway, so yeah, just curious about anyone who does declare specific portags as their canon/main in any of these sort of games. Is first automatically canon to you, or do you take a wait and see approach before declaring what is your main play through?

Oh and somewhere in all my rambling I think I lost the reason by I started this post in the first place, which is that I'm treating my first Ryder as if she'll be my main/canon, when really my history has shown first ever play through=\=main or canon down the road. Isn't it fun when your ADHD makes you easily distracted *and* hyperfixated? :/ lol