#but i am So fucking Broke and i refuse to ask my mother abt the health care plan that i probably do have

[29121996]

last rb

[incorrect-dublin-murder-squad]

Cassie when Frank first offered for her to go undercover: Wait a minute! This is a very big decision. It might affect the course of my entire life. I shall have to think about it.

Cassie: *pauses for 1 second*

Cassie: I’ll do it.

[zieuns]

no one say a thing abt how late this is smiley 😃 also if you saw my bio on my page just say you didn’t

mun info

name/alias: sylvie age: 18+ pronouns: she her timezone: est discord: i have one and we can plot there if u want little trivia fact about yourself: my cat has thumbs (this is not about me but my cat is my life so)

character info

character name: kwak jieun stage name: n/a would probably never come up with one that she’d like for more than a week age: 26 zodiac sign: virgo  group/band/position: ctrl_2, bassist and songwriter info links or quick points about your character: abt / bio

jieun tl;dr:

the family unit fractures when her mom walks out on her dad. the quiet ending to a tumultuous relationship. jieun spends the better part of her teen years picking up the household slack. it makes her conscientious and prone to smothering people, but also the type to have too much on her plate while refusing to share the load.

that type of upbringing has consequences: namely, being a bit of a wild kid when she could let loose. picked up poor habits like people pick up hobbies; typical teenage dirtbag stuff despite her ~good girl~ image. most likely dipped her toes into the club/underground scene young, first as an attendee before she finally took main stage.

not to be sentimental, but music was her axis growing up. partly out of necessity, partly as an escape. her dad is a fairly successful music supervisor/director - bonding time was at-home piano lessons and imparting musical wisdom. she has picked up only a little, but it still feels like a lot.

before ctrl, was a drifter in the underground scene - was more of a songwriter/lyricist than anything. people asked her for her opinions and she’s never afraid to give one (when it comes to a song, at least).

as of 2016, is ctrl’s bassist & songwriter and a freelancer. is eternally grateful she actually enjoys her job.

has never forgiven her mom for walking out on them; her younger sister maintains a relationship, which (in jieun’s opinion) is probably why jihye is fake as fuck and toxic to no end. for some reason, they keep calling her to meet up these days - she is disinclined to answer, but they’re wearing her down.

personality-wise, jieun is: sweet in nature, indulgent in excess, a mother hen. personable but guarded, but once she likes you she will fight for you to the death. type of person to fall into very deep loves. type of person that is attracted to ‘fixer-uppers’. will never learn not to keep her heart on her sleeve.

that’s all :D

connects that i’d luv:

tenuous relationships btwn ctrl members!! my vibe for jieun is that she’s a bit... distracted atm with family matters (see above). probably feels like her heart’s not in it and isn’t sure it’s a phase or a lasting thing. she loves ctrl the way she loves music, and will be the first to drop if it starts to feel like a chore.

people that got into the scene young? any underage clubbers? kids that thought they were so cool for snatching their dads’ cigarettes from his jacket pocket. she was the loser that collected lighters people would leave lying around just because.

people she’s collaborated with, helped write songs for, helped compose for, etc. even just being a regular critic - the offer goes both ways.

pls be the one dude that broke her heart! i love that! step on her!

would loooove a friendship that somehow went sour. an unfair give-take, or an overstepping of boundaries. i’m super open to this, would love it!

anything n’ all i am very down for it friends

[cattles-bians]

exes au part 11

post directory

obsetress: i'm about to fully fall asleep but i have been thinking about exes au danvi and like the isabel of it all and dani dating a single mom and how just like

obsetress: vi is so protective of isabel and as much as she loves dani like

obsetress: she took SO LONG before introducing her and then like

obsetress: when they broke up dani left and dani wasnt in isabels life anymore and dani was so good for isabel and viola just feels so fuckin shitty and blames herself and

obsetress: but i'm also thinkin bout soft fluffy stuff too like how much dani loves isabel and how much vi loves watching isabel w dani and

em: hey hannah what the fuck

obsetress: isabel has a nightmare one night and goes to her mom's room and dani's there too and she just curls up between them

em: do you think when they finally reconnected dani was like hey um. does isabel remember me. would it be weird if

obsetress: FUCK

obsetress: this absolutely happens

em: viola is VERY apprehensive at first

obsetress: god yeah esp after getting so hurt by it but

obsetress: viola sure cannot say no to dani!

em: i love some dani with kids tho

em: maybe too soft but do u think for at least a couple years dani would like. send isabel a bday card

em: like dead air otherwise

em: hmm idk i am chewing that one over more

obsetress: god it's hard i think dani wants to but she doesn't

obsetress: i could see dani writing them and holding onto them

em: oh that’s even worse

obsetress: even tho she really doesnt think she'll ever talk to vi again

em: what a soft and depressing thought. thank u. i resent u.

obsetress: yeah it hurts!

obsetress: but then she does! and she gives them all to isabel when she's older maybe

em: hold on i’m gonna bawl

em: sometimes my parents will be like um. do u remember this person and i’m like uh i don’t remember people i worked w two years ago let alone

em: but i think isabel does

em: i will be thinking about this all afternoon bestie have a wonderful slumber

[em note: em yells in hannahs DMs while she's asleep dot png]

em: no um. mate im still furious about the isabel of it all wtf

em: thinking about um. like ok i dont wanna use isabel as a prop but this is certainly one of those times where

em: violas been hurt before and viola's hurt other people before because she's deeply troubled and i feel like that would be one of the first times she sorta. sure she licks her wounds and feels miserable for herself but its also like uh

em: really sobering to realise This Hurts Isabel Too

em: because yknow violas very gatekeep gaslight girlboss i think shes got a strong enough sense of self that nothing really shakes that. maybe even to a deluded degree. i dont think she goes to therapy because shes like wow im fucked up i gotta get help, she's more like

em: shes really driven by her love for isabel!! gestures WILDLY

em: realised this is an au where parents get therapy and dont pass their traumas onto their kids and i want OFF this WILD RIDE im so tired of discovering things about myself through the realm of fiction

obsetress: yeah same i kept thinking about it too alfkadlsfkjdasf

obsetress: i want to reply to every single line of the isabel thing but i'm not gonna do that so let me just say: YEAH

obsetress: like isabel is her cornerstone full stop everything comes down to isabel

em: dani's probably so nervous reconnecting w isabel again. absolutely spinning her lil wheels

em: they set up a lil date and time and dani's doing her gay nervous babble abt if isabel even remembers her or god forbid resents her n jamies like...

em: im pursing my lips as i draw a line on the whiteboard between jamie's whole childhood and isabels and shaking my head Goddamn It

em: jamie lets dani babble it out n pauses and reflects on what she's saying n then jamie's like. the fact ur nervous means u care. n kids are v good at picking up when ppl care. you'll be alright.

obsetress: god yeah this bit i can just. hear it

obsetress: it's so visceral

---

em: viola

obsetress: god my favorite taurus hedonist

[em note: hannah yells in em's DMs while em is asleep dot png]

obsetress: god fuck what was i thinking about isabel this morning like

obsetress: that's what i get for daydreamin between snoozes and not writing it down alas

obsetress: but just like how excited isabel is to see dani again when she does and also like, isabel and rebecca

obsetress: then i started thinking about

obsetress: rebecca and vi getting married and vi's always like i'm not gonna get married again it's bullshit and rebecca's like it's not for me but then they just

obsetress: like they live together and they share everything and rebecca looks out for isabel just as much and they get to a point and it's like

obsetress: oh. oh

obsetress: like they're both like it's the logical thing to do. it's logical and it's safe and we should have this extra layer of protection but also it's like

obsetress: they find themselves more and more excited a lil you know? and just thinking about how isabel's there and how excited isabel is and

obsetress: but god yeah what i was thinking about this morning like. one day vi has to tell isabel dani's not gonna be coming around anymore and like

obsetress: isabel doesn't really understand and she's so sad and then vi feels even shittier

obsetress: and she's like "we'll be okay. it's you and me, remember? moving mountains"

obsetress: "you me us, right?"

obsetress: the first time rebecca meets her she brings her a book as a gift and is like "this was one of my favorites" and

obsetress: OH I REMEMBERED

obsetress: so like when dani sees isabel again finally (and yknow as nervous as dani was vi was even more on edge because it's so inconsistent and is she gonna understand yknow? and the two of them just spiral––which is also another thing about the two of them in a relationship! i think they push each other down spirals)

obsetress: jamie's there too and dani's like "this is... this is, uh, jamie" and it's like you said jamie isabel parallels and so jamie's like a lil tender

obsetress: spoiler: isabel and jamie end up bonding the most

obsetress: jamie's like running around with isabel on her shoulders and then showing her all these plants and taking her to gardens and

obsetress: another tentative jamie vi alliance

em: isabel mikey hangout When

obsetress: isabel mikey hangout!

obsetress: they're hanging with isabel and she and jamie have a very spirited discussion where isabel's like "i wanna be a princess" and dani's like "why not a knight?" and jamie's like "why not opt out of the feudalistic hierarchy entirely and ditch the kingdom for the high seas?" and convinces isabel to go full pirate

obsetress: and then isabel kinda passes out with her head in jamie's lap and jamie's just kinda idly playing with her hair (vi is already like "am i... attracted to jamie in this moment?")

obsetress: and jamie's like "y'know, i should bring mikey round next time isabel's here" and viola's like "......who?" and jamie's like "my little brother? mikey?" and viola's like "right.... right"

obsetress: cut to later, when dani and jamie have retired to vi and becca's guest room: "since when does jamie have a little brother?" "she always has, babe"

em: kinda obsessed w like. violas love for isabel means her wires get crossed when the surly gardener is Good With Kids

obsetress: yeah

obsetress: mikey and isabel immediately hit it off i think

obsetress: a bit of an odd couple because i think isabel is definitely, like, her mother's daughter and mikey is............. mikey

obsetress: but i think they meet in the middle and help each other grow and play pirates together

em: viola is like. of course mikey and isabel will get along. isabel is wonderful. but jamie is quietly Sweating about the whole thing

em: so damvibecca are having their afternoon tea and their little cakes and jamie is Quietly sweating and she’s like ‘quiet is good, right? like they’re not tryna k-‘ and then there’s the sound of two 8 year olds (idk how old they are tbh) YELLING as they chase each other down the hall w wrapping paper tubes

obsetress: nervous babbling dani x quietly sweating jamie, an otp

em: isabel has gotten into the make up n given them both black eyes n scars and moustaches n everyone’s like oh no how’s viola gonna feel about this but viola is DELIGHTED

obsetress: dani's like "chill you all she's gonna––" and then viola is getting up and asking them to do her face too

em: made a parrot outta a sock and newspaper

obsetress: viola playing pirates w isabel and mikey

em: kids w their endless creativity n absolute disregard for personal property is truly a thing of dreams

obsetress: mikey gives her a paper tube and she disarms isabel, takes hers, and offers it very seriously to jamie

em: cuteeee

obsetress: rebecca's giving dani a look and dani is completely unfazed and reaching for another tea cake

em: absolutely unflappable dani clayton

em: dani and rebecca sharing a Look like hey have you ever seen her this gleeful

obsetress: there is something very tasty about jamie taylor having a direct hand in making viola so gleeful

em: takes a village!

obsetress: when viola's two big loves are sitting five feet away from them both

em: everyone changes everyone for the better

em: fucken soft ass chat over here

obsetress: everyone changes everyone for the better

obsetress: soft as hell

em: thesis statement everyone likes each other so much (jamie pretends she doesn’t)

obsetress: (jamie pretends she doesn't) (jamie might like everyone the most)

obsetress: viola registers mikey for isabel's school n pays full tuition

em: oh my god

obsetress: jamie is horrified and refuses to accept it and viola waves a hand and is like "too late, deposit's non-refundable"

em: (they carpool)

obsetress: PLEASE

obsetress: oh god and like

obsetress: flora and miles go there too

obsetress: full circle complete

em: broke: highschool au woke: guardians of primary schoolers au

obsetress: dani jamie in bed jamie's like "you don't...... think it's weird?" "hmm?" "mikey going to.... school with our boss' kids?" "why would that be weird" "i dunno" "he also goes to school with my ex's kid" "he's best friends with your ex's kid" "and that's not weird, is it?" (grumbles) "not anymore" "so why would this be?"

em: jamie’s ribbing mikey for his silly tie and straw hat but she teaches him how to tie a tie and also she keeps crying for some reason???

obsetress: oh fuck

em: mikey: can’t i just get a fake tie >:/

jamie: no because when u have a real tie you can leave it untied a little as an act of rebellion

obsetress: god it's jamie crying for me

em: i love that big baby

obsetress: so much!

em: jamies like idk what’s gotten into me i never cry n danis like. raises one eye brow and mentally checks off all the times jamie has absolutely bawled watching a movie

em: not even a sad movie

em: dani plays along

em: maybe ur getting soft in ur old age jamie

obsetress: jamie i cry three four times a day five if i'm being honest taylor

em: thinking about their weekly weekend lunch w damvibecca and hannah and owen and miles and flora and

obsetress: dfjsldkfjslfslfj

obsetress: god big found family

obsetress: you know viola doesn't like

obsetress: dani and jamie respectfully toe around whatever the fuck owen and hannah have going on but viola just does not suffer it. she's so blunt to them

em: big viola grin and all ‘owen, hannah, i assume you will be each other’s dates?’ (owen chokes on his tiny egg sandwich)

em: hannah grose is serene and unreadable as she dabs a bit off yolk off owens moustache

em: maybe even a bit pleased

obsetress: everyone is always so tense when viola and hannah get together because neither of them take shit yknow

obsetress: and everyone's like "which way is this gonna go"

em: god. peak snarky broads

obsetress: but usually they end up good. two apex predators where one is a lil vicious but the other is so confident in its status that it just chills

em: they have the Best gossip

obsetress: would love to sit in and listen as they drink tea and gossip tbh

em: viola presses owen on hannah and he goes red and viola presses hannah on owen and she does a little wouldnt-you-like-to-know into her tea

em: viola nee willoughby and hannah grose friendship is. truly something i never knew i needed until now

em: they’re both just that lil bit older than the rest of the gang too

obsetress: an important coalition

obsetress: hannah grose! hannah looking out for rebecca and that's the couple times she gets a lil testy w vi

obsetress: mikey and isabel besties but flora and mikey get along really well and isabel and miles do too i think

em: the sheer chaos of a taylor-lloyd-windgrave story time

obsetress: LDKFjKLSDJF HELP

obsetress: taylor lloyd wingrave story time

obsetress: jamie suddenly very invested in story time

obsetress: dani's like "i know this is the first time you've actually cared about story time, babe, so let me give you some pointers"

em: i was just in my head thinking fondly about like. jamie is a drop out and plays a lil dumb sometimes for fun but also prolly reads a lot especially to mikey and now i’m like. wait i’m talking to Ms Floras Two Moms herself

em: idk if i had that headcanon before i read she taught me a lesson alright but yknow what! doesn’t matter it’s a beautiful one

obsetress: thank youuuu i love it a lot

obsetress: jamie big reader is generally one of my fave headcanons tbh i'm glad it seems to be widely accepted. can't even explain why it's just nice

em: sometimes i will talk 2 ppl about my passionate drop out jamie taylor belief n then they’re like but she’s smart (it’s only happened a couple times hahsj) and i’m like these aren’t mutually exclusive!! this is my very biased experience but my friends who do manual labor for a living seem to read so much more than my friends who don’t

em: your brain wants to chew over things while the hands are workin i reckon

obsetress: yes yes yes yes yes

obsetress: i think that's also like (sighs heavily)

obsetress: symptomatic of hegemonic perceptions of the working class

em: i love when u sigh heavily it’s always a fun take

obsetress: i think jamie is v clever and reflective and like if there's one thing i've learned getting older it's

obsetress: smart doesn't matter i think the most insightful most thoughtful people are the most reflective ones

obsetress: like none of it fuckin matters just be a nice person

[izzy-b-hands]

London By Night, Chapter Six

Brunch, girls’ days out, lads’ days in, and sometimes the best therapy comes from four people who are your friends but also whom you work for (at least in lieu of actual therapy, and during a brunch with weak mimosas.) 

Also Chrissie takes on Y/N’s mum in a wonderful yet polite way while Rico Nasty’s ‘Smack A Bitch’ plays essentially. She’s a fuckin’ rock star in her own right in this chapter (who does not smack anyone, but like...the Tension is there lmao.) 

tw for misgendering, weight talk (...look we’re just not. gonna talk abt what of my own issues w/my mum I’m working out here. It’s just. happening and I’m rolling w/it.), casual transphobia and microaggressions from Y/N’s mum. Pretty frank descriptions and discussion of emotional abuse and fear of physical abuse. This one is...heavy. Take care in reading, y’all. Have a mug of something warm maybe (or cold? it’s summer and I’m melting constantly, have something comforting let’s say.) It exhausted me mentally and emotionally to write, so...yeah. Take it slow reading it if needed, or avoid if it’s too heavy. 

We are eventually going to get to some lightness again in this fic, I promise!

also I can’t decide how I wanna spell John’s nickname, so I just winged it and decided on one spelling at random here lol. 

My love to all who read/like/reblog!

“This is the emergency?” you scoffed, staring at the dishes and plates piled high with breakfast foods on the coffee table in Brian’s sitting room.

“Yeah,” Roger grinned. “We’ve got this lovely brunch, and two more place settings that are empty, and well, now here you both are!” 

“Did you do this just to get her off our backs and into a hotel?” you asked.

“Well, that and I wanted breakfast,” Roger replied. “So I called up Brian and Chrissie, and we got to work; John brought toast-” 

John nodded, a piece of it in his mouth while he reached for a scone. 

“And now here we are! And after a night of dealing with her, you need something like this.” 

“Wasn’t all dealing with her,” Freddie grinned, and you gave him a light jab in the ribs. “Was dealing with someone else too.” 

“Is that what you’re calling it now?” you teased. “Are you going to ‘deal with me’ later, since the flat will be ours alone again?” 

“Down, you two,” Brian laughed. 

“Or you’ll get the hose?” 

“He’ll do it,” Roger said far too seriously, and you wondered exactly what story hid behind that comment. 

But there was no time to ask, as a sudden loud knock on the door startled you all. 

“Who on earth?” Brian muttered, and tried to lean from his seat to look out the front window. “That’s a cab leaving. Who else would be coming here by cab?” 

Your hands shook slightly as it dawned on you, and you set down the plate you’d started to fill with food. 

“Oh fucking hell,” Roger spat, looking through the spyhole of the front door. “Guess who?” 

You carefully but quickly moved from your seat near John, and started for the back door. 

“No, Y/N,” Freddie called, scrambling up to retrieve you. “Be calm. It’s going to be alright.” 

The knocking was more insistent now, just as loud as before. 

“She’ll wear her knuckles through the damned door,” Roger muttered. “Ridiculous.” 

“I’m calm, you said. “Perfectly calm. It’s just that she’s here, and she shouldn’t be because we just left her at the hotel, and how did she even fucking find us-” 

“I love you, but this is the exact opposite of calm,” Freddie cut you off as you babbled. “We’ll get you out of here. Now, she might see us out the back door somehow, so Brian, which upstairs window would you suggest is easy enough for us to climb out of?” 

“What?” Brian frowned. “None of them, because you can’t climb out my fucking windows and go running across the roof?” 

“Now Brian, we’ve talked about refusing new ideas without even trying them and how detrimental that can be-” 

“Yeah, in regards to like...new food in new places while on tour,” Brian interrupted. “Not about you clambering about the rooftop via my windows!” 

“Necessity demands it, Brian!” 

“Even if it did, the back door is still the only option!” Brian sighed, clearly exasperated. “Is she that bad?” 

Roger nodded, eyes wide open as he walked back to the table, snagged a full champagne flute of mimosa, and drained it. . 

“Well, I can’t just leave her out there!” Brian protested, heading for the door. 

“What is all this racket?” Chrissie asked as she ran from downstairs to the door. “All of you that sloshed already you can’t answer the door? There’s barely any champagne in the mimosas...” 

“Chrissie no!” Whether Roger was bemoaning her opening the door or the lack of extra champagne in the mimosas you weren’t sure, but it didn’t matter if it was just one or both, as your mother waltzed in as if she owned the place. 

“Y/N! You left me no phone number to reach you at, and I have a question about the hotel, an important one!” 

“Yes?” you asked, hoping it was actually important.

“Well, I need to know if the hotel serves breakfast, because I am hungry, but you both left in such a hurry! So I had the concierge help me get the same cab you both used, and then I told him I was meant to have gone with you, and that nice gentleman drove me here! But look at all this! Is this the ‘tour emergency’ you were called to solve?” 

“We’re discussing that issue over brunch,” Brian said quickly. 

“They are,” Chrissie immediately backed him, and you wanted to hug her. “So, you’re Y/N’s mother? I’ve been able to hear from upstairs, Y/N has told the boys so much about you!” 

“All good?” your mother asked, a hint of ice in her voice. 

But Chrissie was a natural, or at least wasn’t about to be talked down to in her own home. “Of course! You know, since you mentioned breakfast; I was going to meet Brian’s mum in about an hour for an early lunch. But you could surely come with us; we could even leave early, do some shopping, if you’ve any favorite shops you’d like to stop at.” 

“I’ve never been here before,” your mother said in a voice that rudely insinuated Chrissie should somehow have magically known that.

“Even better!” Chrissie caught your eye and gave a near-imperceptible nod of assurance. “In fact, why not make it a girls’ trip, since the boys have taken over the space here for work? Rog, John? Why not call up your mums, see if they’d like to have a girls’ day out!” 

Roger and John obediently stood and went to the phone, but you couldn’t relax yet. All this was doing was exposing her to more people, surely-

“I’ll call Mary,” Freddie’s voice interrupted your on-the-verge-of-derailing train of thought. “She’d love to join you all, I’m sure.” 

“The more the merrier,” Chrissie said warmly, but you tried to flash him a look that read ‘no’ regardless. Adding in more people couldn’t be the solution. 

Freddie only shook his head at you, and went to wait his turn for the phone, while Chrissie pulled your mother into the kitchen for a cup of tea. 

“You okay?” Brian asked softly as he sat back in his seat. 

“Do you have a sinkhole in the garden I could jump into?” 

“We’ve not had the sinkhole put in yet, sorry,” he smiled sweetly. “I really think this will be better than you must be imagining. Maybe this will help her loosen up, get her off of your back for a bit.” 

“You’re all very kind to me, and to her,” you said. “But she’s not that easily handled. She never has been, and eventually everyone hits their breaking point with her.” 

“Then we’ll just hope that she’s on her way home before any of us reach that point,” Brian said. “Don’t stress more over it, you’ll only do yourself in.” 

“Okay,” you mumbled, and dropped your head into your hands as you went back to your seat. 

“Have a scone, breathe. You’ll be fine, everything will be.” 

You broke off a piece of the scone he handed you and jammed it into your mouth. It was good, but you knew you’d only start to feel better and safe once she was out of the house. 

“They all said yes!” Freddie chirped as he came back in and sat down beside you. “Oh, you look like you’re about to cry. Please don’t, it’s really going to be alright.” 

“That’s what I said,” Brian replied, distracted by something as he leaned back in his seat to look into the kitchen. “I think I get what you’re talking about with her now. How she is, all that.” 

“How so?” Freddie asked.

“Well, Chrissie is shooting me her ‘christ almighty come save me’ look, and that’s only used in desperate times, so-” 

You interrupted him with a frustrated groan, and shoved another bit of scone in your mouth to hold off the tears. 

“I’ll go in and help her out, give her a break for a moment,” Brian said. “Probably good I get to know your mum too, if I’m going to help deal with her, right?” 

“Flawed thinking,” Roger warned as he came back into the room and dropped into the nearest seat (John’s, as it happened.) “I fell for it too, last night. But go on, join us in our misery.” 

Brian rolled his eyes and started towards the kitchen, John popping back in and taking his chair as soon as he was up. 

“So...you know the rest of this brunch is you telling us all about her, right? We can’t talk about anything else now.” 

You sighed. “What all do you want to know?” 

“Everything! Has she always been like this? If so, do you know why? And if you don’t know, why don’t you? Did you do something to her, did someone else? Did-” 

“Deacy,” Roger said. “One at a time; he’s already a mess! And let’s at least wait until she leaves.” 

“And what are we to talk about in the meantime?” John scoffed.

“Saw a squirrel fighting a bird for a bit of biscuit on someone’s lawn this morning,” Roger said. “How about that?” 

John thought for a moment, then nodded. “Who won?” 

Before Roger could reply, your mother swooped back in, Brian and Chrissie right behind her. 

“So, Y/N, I am being treated to a girls’ day out!” she squealed happily. 

Brian rolled his eyes, and shot you a sympathetic look.

“Now, I just wanted to address...” she continued. “I mean, well. It’s for girls, and you...technically...I mean you are, or were, but you are and aren’t and um. I don’t want you to feel bad that you aren’t coming with, you know, but...I mean, if we were designating it by what’s in our pants, it might be different, and-” 

You had never witnessed a shared group look of terror, but it was a hell of a thing to see as it enveloped everyone, as it dawned on them what she was trying to say. 

“Y/N is a part of our uh...call it a lads’ day in,” John interrupted before she could blather any more. “Also, part of tour prep as a member of the road crew.” 

You nodded, fighting off the anxiety attack threatening to break forth. 

“So no need for apologies or worries or anything else,” Roger added. “You’re doing your thing, having your day, and he’s here with us having his, all is well.” 

“I know, but-” your mother started. 

“If you’re worried about the boys keeping busy and entertained,” Chrissie interrupted. “Don’t. They keep each other plenty busy, don’t you all?” 

As you nodded with the rest of the guys, you wished you could thank her now for taking your mother head on like she was. She certainly was under no obligation to do so, but she had, and it was the kindest gift she could have given you, someone she barely knew. 

Your mother opened her mouth yet again, but Brian didn’t let her get a syllable out. 

“You know, we have a cat! Y/N mentioned you like cats. Squeaky is out in the garden, you ought to go meet her.” 

“That is a wonderful idea,” Chrissie agreed, bouncing up on her feet to give him a kiss before gently but steadily taking your mother by the arm and leading her out to the garden. 

As she left, the tension in the room went with her. 

“Right, so the squirrel won,” Roger said. “But back to Deacy’s questions, and I’ll echo one of them as politely as I can: what in the fuck is her problem?” 

You laughed. You couldn’t help it; you’d reached a breaking point with the oddness of it all and how horrendous you feared it might turn the longer your mother was around. “You’re asking me?” 

Roger nodded.

“If I knew, I would have found a way to do something about it by now,” you continued. “Trust me. I’d love to say she would try therapy, or something to work on herself, but she won’t. So we’ll likely never have an answer to that question. And even if we did get one, she’d find a way to make it someone else’s fault. God, I have...years of stories, that rightfully no one wants to hear, of frustration and anger over dealing with her and the hurt I’ve hung onto and-scones! Are my favorite, I just can’t help myself around them.” 

Your mother walked back in just in time for the last sentence, and smirked. “I think they can see that. Y/N has always had a bit of a tummy, but you’re working on it now, right? You always said you wanted to slim down after you started all of-” 

She made a gesture towards her own chest and crotch. “That ‘stuff.’ Be a shame to waste all the hard work those doctors put in for you, all over a few extra cookies you couldn’t say no to. And not to mention the money you paid! My goodness-” 

A car horn honked outside, and Roger darted up to look out the window. “Ah! There’s my mum with the car. Looks like she picked up the rest of the ladies first too! Right on to shopping then, how exciting!” 

You wanted to laugh, because he sounded the exact opposite of excited for shopping, but bless him, he was putting in the work to try. 

“Let’s get moving!” Chrissie had one hand on your mother’s shoulder urging her to the front door, the other taking her purse from Brian as he handed it to her. “Usual rules, boys. No fist fights, no live munitions, no setting the house on fire, no overfeeding the cat! We’ll see you all later!” 

Brian laughed and shook his head as they left, but pulled her close for just a moment to whisper something to her. 

“If you don’t mind, can I ask what you told her?” you asked. “Told her to resist the urge to kill my mum?” 

“No,” Brian said. “Just told her to call if she should need us. Maybe could have tacked that on though.” 

“Chrissie wouldn’t get caught anyway,” Roger said. “She’s a smart woman.” 

“I can’t decide if that’s reassuring or not, Rog,” Brian said with a slight frown. 

“Save you the decision, it is,” Roger replied. “Now. Y/N, you mentioned stories. Let’s hear them. The first ever Queen therapy brunch has officially begun, and we won’t even charge you.” 

You laughed, but shrugged. “Are you guys sure you want to hear all this? You don’t have to let me vent, and it’s probably not healthy to do it this way...” 

“You’re in a safe place, and we’re giving you permission to vent to us,” Brian said. “Go for it.” 

“We’ll need tea,” Freddie fretted. “What’s out here has gone cold, Brian-” 

“I’ve got it,” Brian smiled. “I’ll put some on, you all get started. If you talk loud enough, Y/N, I can hear you from the kitchen.” 

“I...I don’t know where to start,” you hesitated. “No one has ever really let me just...talk about it. I mean, looking back, there were days where she was my hero. She taught me to be kind, to love others, to treat people and animals well and with respect. She would do nice things for me, like make my favorite dinner or buy me a toy.” 

They all nodded, and it was both odd and nice to have people clearly listening and caring. 

“Then other days...she was a nightmare. I was honestly terrified of her. She never laid a hand on me, but she didn’t have to. When she got mad or frustrated or felt I’d done something wrong, and some days mind you, I couldn’t do anything right in her eyes...I’d always fear she would finally hit me. I still do, sometimes. But the yelling was enough. Some days it was just shaming and lecturing. But it always makes me feel lesser. Like I’m not human enough. Or like I’m too much to deal with to be around anyone.” 

Their soft smiles at your opening up had faded, replaced with winces and looks of horror. 

“Y/N...” Freddie said softly. “How long have you been hanging onto all this?” 

“Does it matter?” you shrugged. “She’ll never apologize for any of it. She doesn’t think she’s done anything wrong. Ask her about today, and I guarantee you, she won’t see that she did anything wrong with how she’s acted. This is how it’s always been, and probably always will be whenever she’s around. It’s so...heavy. I’ve been carrying her whenever she needed carrying, in addition to holding myself up, and my back has broken from it so many times already...but it doesn’t ever matter. I get back up, and I keep going forward, because that’s what I’ve always done.” 

“This isn’t right,” John said, an undercurrent of anger in his voice, even as he gently took a cup of tea from Brian, who was playing waiter as he handed them out. “I want to talk to her.” 

“I appreciate that,” you said quickly. “But you wouldn’t be the first. Some of my doctors tried. Stayed up late, due to the time difference, and called her all the way from Europe, while I was over here for all my transitioning things. She played along long enough to placate them, then yelled at me later saying they made her feel like a bad mother.” 

You threw up your hands. “And the worst bit? Today was a relatively tame day for her. Roger knows it, he got the brunt of a bad day with her last night.” 

Roger nodded. “Would you like to know how the rest of our conversation went last night, while you and Freddie were out getting dinner?” 

You winced. “Yes, and no?” 

“Very well,” Roger said. “I was trying to talk to her more about how much you’d enjoyed the Tate, and how happy you were here, how happy you make Freddie, how happy he makes you. Trying to get her to see things from your perspective, to help her worry less, you know?” 

“Thank you,” you said.

“Well, don’t thank me, because it didn’t work,” Roger scoffed, and grabbed another full flute to sip from. “She started going on about ‘what about her, and her feelings, and I could never understand how she feels and we don’t know you well enough to really get it all’ and I-” 

He took another sip. “I admit, I got upset on your behalf. I reminded her that you’re an adult, and you deserve to go out and live your life as you want. She claimed not to disagree with that, but then immediately did by saying she felt you needed her close by, and how could she do that with you out here.” 

“And that’s how you got to talking about your mum and how she parented you, and my mum insulting her,” you said. “Jesus. I’m sorry, Rog.” 

“Don’t be sorry, you’ve done nothing wrong!” Roger replied. “She should be sorry, but like you said...she doesn’t seem the apologizing type.” 

“I’ve never been so glad to have such a variety of scones,” you murmured. 

“Scones and tea will ease the pain,” Freddie joked. “Or at least, give you something to do besides worry about her.” 

“How could you tell?” you asked. 

“Just a feeling,” Freddie said. “And the look on your face. Like you’ve been force-fed rancid food or something. You only do that when you’re worrying yourself into a panic.” 

“I could never play poker,” you sighed, and there was a beat before they burst into laughter. 

“That is...the oddest thing to say after all of this,” John said, shaking his head. “I like it. Good on you for it, you can still laugh. That’s something you have over her, you know.” 

You nodded. “I suppose it is. Not much, but-” 

“No,” Freddie said, and took your hands in his. “Anything you have over her, is something. Is important. Is special. And you have more than you know, because you’re doing all these things she either couldn’t or wouldn’t do. You’re trying to be happy, to live life the way you want. To travel, to take risks, to do what you love doing. But she, to me, seems she will always be stuck mentally just where she is: unhappy with what she didn’t do, but unwilling to make any changes for herself, and putting the blame elsewhere.” 

There were tears at the edges of his eyes, and you sighed shakily. “Don’t you cry, I’ll start then.” 

Brian raised a hand to catch your eye, and you turned to him. “Sorry. Already on that train. My parents weren’t perfect, but...I think I need to take them out to dinner, or something, soon. Have them over for a night or something.” 

Roger and John were in similar straits, eyes red, sniffling quietly. 

You let the tears fall as Freddie pulled you close for a hug, and smiled as you watched him wipe away tears of his own after he let you go. 

“Lord. What a mess I’ve made of us,” you tutted. “I’m sorry.” 

“Don’t be sorry,” Brian said. “You’re a part of this weird little family, whether you like it or not.” 

Roger nodded. “Means we care about you, and whatever bullshit is getting you down, and we’re here for you. You’ll have to get used to that before the next tour starts, you know.” 

“I can try,” you said with a soft and shaky laugh. 

“That’s all we ask,” John said. “Also, that you eat some more. God, this is almost too much food.” 

“We can send everyone home with leftovers,” Brian said. “Enough that we might get away with minimal grocery buying before the tour starts. No worries about any extra going to waste while we’re gone, for once.” 

“What a mix,” Freddie laughed. “We’ve got Indian at home, now a full English breakfast...” 

“Home?” John asked, an eyebrow raised. “Rog thought you might be telling me about this soon. Should I take it you’ve decided to stay with Fred?” 

You nodded happily, the tears drying as you settled into it, the new connection and comfort you had with all of them. “I have. Let the tenants in that other flat do whatever they want. I’ve got my home.” 

“With a fridge that might run out of room,” Freddie said with a sigh. 

“We’ll figure it out,” you said. “Or eat bigger meals.” 

“How utterly domestic,” Roger smiled. “Look at you two! But I like seeing it. And so help me, if your mother tries to go back to your flat, I will-” 

The phone rang, and silence fell. 

[stubbornjerk]

extremely personal mental health stuff under the link. if you’re not ok with reading abt suicidal ideation and more bad depression & anxiety symptoms  uh, keep scrolling, esp if you’re on mobile.

finally got my dumbass sister to fucking believe that her past suicidal tendencies and my very current and very, very active suicidal ideation are different things. 

my parents were talking about my niece, to start. they’ve been concerned that she might be autistic in the, y’know, boomer kind of concerned. and i was just keeping my mouth shut here because i mean, 1) my niece is barely two years old, not nearly old enough to be showing any actual signs of autism and, 2) they were getting a whole lot of wrong information from a fucking ableist scam video.

so i go to her mother abt it because, uh, yeah i snitch on boomers, esp since they’re my parents. and my sister gets all heated about how she’s been keeping her replies civil, and i tell her all the things my parents were saying behind her back. and it’s just. 

i know a lot abt autism bc i was trying to see if i had it before i got diagnosed this year. before my niece was born two years ago. and i was ranting about how ignorant our parents were, completely ignoring the fact that this is the same sister who wouldn’t believe me about my own mental health issues and told me i was selfish for wanting to get treatment. 

so she goes on about how she’s friends with a special needs teacher, how that same friend told her her daughter was fine. about how mom got this scam from a friend who was also a teacher with an autistic kid. i go on about how autism is diagnosed differently from amab and afab children, and how all the symptoms online are mostly to diagnose amab children all older than my niece rn

so then i go a bit quiet in the chat bc im trying to track down all the research i did two years ago and stumble on this post:

[id: “I once sat in a therapy session with my dad to talk about the constant struggle we were having at home because he wanted me to help out more and do better in school. When he asked me why I didn’t do things, I broke down in tears, because I couldn’t explain it. “I just CAN’T. I want to, and I CAN’T.” Nobody listened.

My mom asked me why I don’t do things, and I said, “I just can’t. I sit there for hours trying to convince myself to do things, and I can’t. Move.”

And she said, “Don’t think about it, just do it,” completely missing the point.

When I got older I found words for the things I was dealing with. I got professionally diagnosed, and I’d look up information about my diagnosis and e-mail articles to my parents explaining what my disability is and why I can’t do things.

“My parents have firsthand information about my character (helpful, likes doing things for others) and my history with disability (can’t consistently keep things clean, can’t manage a daily schedule). I’ve talked to them extensively about my diagnosis and given them information about it. They have known me my whole life, and I’ve always been this way. And they still, STILL choose to believe I’m just a bad person who doesn’t try and doesn’t care.

My disability isn’t invisible, people refuse to look at it.

People like problems they can yell at. They like having a target for their frustration. They don’t want to admit disability is real, because they want problems that they can either solve, or blame someone else for. And the disabled person themself is  their scapegoat, someone who can’t ever opt out of their role because the disability is never going to go away.”] 

and she fucking. 

she understood.

it took years of arguments and everything else to, if not believe, then at least fucking humor me on this. she says, “it’s ironic that mom keeps pestering me about my kid’s mental health when she can’t even muster up enough fucks to care about her’s.” and i mean, haha, we’re fucking siblings, and yes i am paraphrasing. we’re all different facets of fucked up, having to deal with our parents but i’m glad she fucking came through with this revelation.

and honestly, im a bit scared right now. the first time i told her in 2015, back when she hadn’t even met her fucking husband, she fucking told on mom. and mom took it wrong. hell, her husband even fucking outed me a year ago because they found something on my instagram back when i was still with my ex. and mom took it wrong again.

if she shows mom this, trying to get mom on my side, how fucking wrong is she going to get it again? is she going to come crying to me about how i blame her for all of this and get mad when i say yeah, i do fucking blame her? it’s. 

it’s driving me nuts.

when will this quarantine end.

[ivydcmir-blog]

☁☼☁( ****. simay barlas. cis female. 21 ). welcome back to your summer paradise, IVY DEMIR we were wondering when you’d finally show up! the town’s really missed how MESMERIZING you are, even if you can be a bit AMORAL at times. we hear back home they call you the CHERRY PIT, makes sense considering you remind everyone of IMPORTED CIGARETTES, OLD LOVE SONGS COMING FROM A RECORD PLAYER, PERFUME AT THE BASE OF A THROAT, & FAST CARS AT MIDNIGHT.  ☁☼☁    

oh she’s extra late to the party ! im she .... my name’s xan im 22 and from the est timezone i go by she / her pronouns and ur watching disney channel <3 i am....so excited to bring ivy to life ... shes been my sleep paralysis demon for weeks its time for me to set her free baby ! lets go !

first things first ivy is inspired by characters like effy from skins, georgina & serena from gossip girl, and just a TINY bit of villanelle from killing eve ( not the....assassin part.... ) 

her daddy’s side of the family are oil tycoons and her mom’s side ? well ivy has no idea what they do or who they were

basically a little after ivy turned a year old her mother just . poofed...vanished into thin air and didn’t leave a trace behind. growing up ivy would hear a lot of rumors from the staff abt what kind of person her mom was or where she went but the one person who could tell her the truth ( her dad ) just refused to talk abt it. he got super angry anytime she used to try so ivy stopped asking !

she was born in tokyo actually ( on her parents anniversary trip, which was another mystery ) but was raised in manhattan ! she is absolutely in love with nyc and definitely considers it her home

so shes filthy rich and i mean like ... disgusting billionaire rich to the point that it’s just not right and you know, that definitely shaped her upbringing. even as a little girl ivy found it very clear the amount of power she has just by being born into the right family 

she was....kind of a strange child ! she was abnormally sharp for her age and intuitive and without that maternal figure in her life, ivy grew very attached to her father. he’d even take her along to business meetings because she was well behaved

as she grew up it started to become apparent ivy liked to play games. the more she observed the people around her ( the staff, her dad, his business partners, the kids at school, etc. ) the better she got at finding out what made people tick. sometimes her games were harmless ( like flirting with the boys she knew her friends were crushing on ) and sometimes they were more intense ( like setting up empty pill bottles around her and pretending she’d overdosed to freak out the maids ) ask ivy why she did any of it and she’d simply tell you she was bored

high school ivy was very much reckless like this. she found the upper east side teen drama so dreary she’d often act out just for a change of pace. i’d like to think she broke the record for most detentions at whatever private school she went to. she was definitely someone just about everyone knew just because of all the rumors she stirred up doing crazy things 

despite all the misdemeanors she got into yale ! her dad is basically on of the biggest donors to the university. there’s probably a building somewhere on campus with her last name on it, but ivy really couldnt care less. she didnt exactly want to go to college and she definitely didnt want to leave nyc, but shes got this weird complex with her dad and really cannot tell the man no ! so she majors in classics just bc she thought it’d be neat to have to learn latin 

of course ... she starts to get bored. she’s already barely attending classes and on academic probation so when it leaks to the dean she’s sleeping with a professor ? ivy was sure it’d be expulsion.....but then it wasn’t ! turned out her dad had made a special deal with yale and after a nice monetary exchange it was like ivy never did anything....

after her dad announced he was going to turkey for his brother’s funeral last august she decided to "take a gap year” from yale but really she’s got no plan to ever go back ! instead she disappeared much like her mother did for a whole year without a trace. she told absolutely no one where she was going or what she was doing.....and she’s come back to the hamptons for the summer with no warning ! 

PERSONALITY & TIDBITS

so ivy is....all over the place ! most of the way she behaves is because she finds it a bit too easy to grow bored. still very much into playing games with people bc she gets a kick out of it ! it takes a lot for ivy to take anything seriously so she’s not exactly the best person to come to if you need advice or comfort. if you’re looking for excitement? trouble? an out of body experience ? then she is 100% your girl 

for someone so chaotic she is weirdly nostalgic and sentimental about things. she’s obsessed with greek heroes and foreign poets and superstitions and it’s not uncommon to find her getting existential with you with a cigarette dangling from her fingertips and a foggy look in her eyes. she’ll say something that seems entirely deep and profound one minute, and the next she’s blowing smoke in your face asking if you want to do a line in the bathroom with a wicked smile on her painted lips

a huge flirt ! she will and she does hit on absolutely everyone. definitely not the traditionally romantic type but she does go through phases where she tends to hyper fixate on others for specific periods of time. until she gets bored. it’s a vicious cycle

full of unhealthy habits that include drinking, smoking, doing drugs, fucking around, but the worst is how little she sleeps. she’s been prone to nightmares ever since she was a kid but she’s never acknowledged it as a problem despite it obviously being one

once she flew to paris with nothing but a cheap pink wig. wore it the whole time she was there and called herself yvette. 

picked up her father’s obsession with luxury cars. not only does she collect them, she races them, too. most infamous stint was showing up to a race in an evening gown and winning. 

speaks about five languages fluently. often likes to fuck with snobby rich people at high society events by pretending she can’t speak or understand english, only to turn around and speak to someone else in perfect english

it’s rumored she once snuck onto the yacht of a ceo to a fortune 500 company, only for him to find her in nothing but a bath towel eating chocolates while flipping through his playboy magazines, and that he was so taken with her instead of pressing charges he decided to name the boat after ivy.  

rumors are rumors, but you really never know with ivy....

thats it !!! if you’re reading this you made it !! please come plot with me i know im late but i have a lot of heart memes saved up and i cant use those by myself </3 we can message through im’s but im 100% easier to get in contact with over discord @  EL i love u 💖✨🌙#8172

[soflsms]

   ( sorry  I'm  late  to  the  party  im  in  pst  so  i  was  at  work  til  now  sdkfjl )  ANYWHO  hi  pals  what  the  h*ck  is  up  !!  im  chloe  ,  im  21  ,  i  use  she / her  pronouns  &  im  a  broke  a$$  geography  major  !!   i  am  SO  excited  to  be  her  &  get  to  rp  with  all  y’all  bc  judging  by  your  apps  skdflj  i  fuck  with  u  all  .  anywho  ill  stop  my  rambling  ,  below  the  readmore  is  stuff  about  sofie  &  some  wcs !!  

trigger  warning  !!  sex  work  ,  deportation  ,  neglect  ,  bad  writing  ,  alcoholism  &  substance  abuse

HAILEY BALDWIN  /  SHE/HER  /  TWENTY TWO  /  BILLIE EILISH VC

welcome to los angeles , sofie almeda ! the glitterati has been watching you . rumour has it you made your first mark in the industry two years ago & that your net worth currently stands at  8m . it seems as though you’re enjoying being a  singer since relocating from  harlem , new york city . some might say you’d be a good fit for the glitterati due to your hollywood ranking being a solid  #3, & it helps that fans speak so highly of your  individualistic & assiduous ways . unfortunately , our sources cite that those closest to you aren’t particularly impressed with your  self-destructive & choleric tendencies .

stats

name  :   sofie sydney almeda

nicknames  :   sof

age  :  twenty - two  .

birthday  :  december  eleventh  .

zodiac  :  sagittarius  .

gender  :  cisfemale  (  though  doesn’t  vibe  with  the  idea  of  being  STRICTLY  a  WoMaN  ,  she  finds  labels  restrictive  )  .

pronouns  :  she    &    her  .

height  :  5 ′ 6 ″  .

hometown  :    recife  ,  brazil  &  harlem  ,  new  york  city  .

nationality  :  american  ,  brazilian  .

ethnicity  :  english  ,  portuguese   .

label(s)  :  the  venereal  ,  the  bellwether  ,  the  opulent  ,   the  anaxiphile   .

occupation  :  singer  (  vc  billie  eilish  )  .  

quirks  :  fidgeting  ,  allergic  to  shellfish  ,  walks  quickly  ,  cracks  knuckles  ,  always  wears  her  lucky  ‘  st  christopher  ’  necklace  from  her  grandmother  ,  has  a  weird  ability  to  talk  herself  out  of  trouble  ,  can  tie  a  cherry  stem  in  her  mouth  ,  messy  emotionally  but  on - point  physically  ,  vvv  bad  driver  ,  loves  a  good  theme  party  ,  can’t  get  through  the  day  without  multiple  cups  of  coffee  ,  refuses  to  wear  glasses  in  public  even  though  she’s  quite  far - sighted  ,  always  carries  hand  sanitizer ,  prefers  rain  over  sunshine  .

background

         her  mother  ,  marcia  almeda  ,  was  a  recent  graduate  from  secondary  school  who  packed  a  backpack  and  went  traveling !! before  long  tho  she  ended  up  knocked  up  by  another  backpacker  ,  this  one  american  ,  while  they  were  having  a  fling  in  sydney  (  hence  sofie’s  middle  name  lmao  @  her  mom’s  humor  )  .  she  flew  back  home  when  she  found  out  &  never  told  sofie’s  father  oops !! so  marcia  had  sofie  at  home  in  recife  just  before  her  nineteenth  birthday  ,  and  marcia  was  enthralled  w  little  sofie  .  ofc  she  inherited  her  mother’s  beauty  (  i  hc  marcia  looks  like  alessandra  ambrosio  bc  hello !  )  &  little  sofie  lived  a  happy  early  childhood  life  in  her  grandparents’  home  in  recife.

         brazil  isn’t  the  safest  of  countries  &  marcia  didn’t  want  the  same  dangers  she  experienced  growing  up  for  her  young  daughter  ,  so  around  sofie’s  eighth  birthday  ,  her  &  her  mother  packed  up  and  went  on  a  ‘ trip  ’  to  new  york  city  .  joke’s  on  sofie  ,  though  -  it  wasn’t  actually  a  trip  ,  but  rly  they  were  trying  to  move  there  to  find  sofie’s  father  to  confirm  his  paternity  and  get  sofie  american  citizenship  .  it  was  proving  more  difficult  than  she  thought  ,  &  marcia  was  quickly  running  out  of  money  .  with  a  face  like  hers  ,  though  ,  making  money  wasn’t  too  difficult  ,  but  it  was  time  consuming  .  marcia  found  herself  escorting  older  men  in  order  to  pay  the  bills  ,  all  the  while  leaving  little  sofie  to  fend  for  herself  .  some  of  her  earliest  memories  are  of  strange  men  in  their  tiny  apartment  &  sofie  trying  to  block  out  their  conversations  with  her  lil  cassette  player  hiding  in  the  corner  of  her  room  .  eventually  ,  marcia  was  able  to  contact  the  father  &  they  set  up  a  meeting  .  sofie  had  gotten  her  hopes  up  that  she  would  finally  have  a  dad  (  she  got  dressed  up  in  her  sunday  best  &  everything  bc  reuniting  her  dad  was  a  BIG  deal  ) ,  but  the  meeting  ended  up  being  a  quick  exchange  of  words  ,  a  mouth  swab  and  a  couple  signatures  .  sofie  never  even  learned  his  name  ,  & this  queued  up  a  lifetime  of  daddy  issues  &  distrust  of  men  !!

        while  marcia  was  able  to  stay  in  america  much  longer  than  she  was  legally  supposed  to  ,  eventually  she  was  facing  deportation  ,  which  meant  lil  sofie  ,  with  her  citizenship  finally  confirmed  ,  was  put  into  the  hands  of  her  father  who  sent  off  to  an  american  boarding  school  in  new  york  without  even  contacting  her  .  she  would  spend  the  summers  in  brazil  with  her  mother  or  ,  as  she  got  older  ,  couch - surfing  with  different  friends  throughout  the  months  .  she  started  growing  apart  from  her  mother  as  she  aged  since  she  wasn’t  going  home  every  summer  since  she  didn’t  rly  feel  any  connection  to  brazil  .  her  grandfather  had  passed  away  &  she  only  has  faint  memories  grandmother  ,  plus  the  city  wasn’t  at  all  familiar  to  her  &  she  wasn’t  practicing  her  portuguese  after  her  mother  returned  to  brazil  .

         through  it  all  ,  music  was  proving  to  be  the  one  constant  in  her  life  she  could  use  to  escape  from  reality  .  she  had  never  done  any  training  or  classes  ,  but  she  just  liked  singing  along  to  whatever  was  on  the  radio  & practicing  on  her  own  .  she  also  found  a  passion  for  writing  poetry  which  she  later  would  realize  was  compatible  with  music  .  she  would  spend  HOURS  in  the  school  library  working  on  garage  band  lmfao  bc  she  couldn’t  afford  her  own  laptop  to  produce  music  &  her  dad  sent  just  enough  money  as  he  was  legally  supposed  to  .  but  she  worked  her  lil  tushy  off  &  applied  to  a  music  academy  in  nyc  &  was  rejected  the  first  year  (  DEVASTATING  when  mixed  with  her  impostor  syndrome  &  daddy  issues ) but  she  practiced  more  &  more  &  edned  up  getting  accepted  the  next  year  .  here  ,  she  worked  on  her  vocal  skills  &  music  production  ,  &  started  accumulating  her  own  music  &  selling  songs  to  music  producers  on  the  side  for  some  ca$h  money  .  

          by  the  time  she  was  16  the  state  decided  she  was  old  /  mature  enough  to  live  on  her  own  so  she  got  a  TINY  lil  studio  apartment  in  harlem  where  she’d  grown  up  with  her  mum  &  she  had  friends  who  she’d  grown  up  with  .  while  it  wasn’t  the  safest  neighbourhood  statistically  sofie  felt  safe  &  just  like  one  of  the  neighbourhood  kids  .  it  was  the  first  time  she  genuinely  felt  like  she  belonged .

        she  was  accepted  on  full  scholarship  to  nyu  & majored  in  music  composition  &  vocal  performance  where  she  started  finally  feeling  secure  in  herself  &  released  her  own  music  on  soundcloud  ,  quickly  amassing  a  following  &  becoming  an  ‘ up  &  coming ‘  artist  !!  she  was  contacted  by  a  scooter  braun  type  guy  who  was  interested  in  taking  her  on  under  his  management  so  she  dropped  out  of  uni  in  her  2nd  year  (  bc  tbh  her  grades  in  anything  other  than  her  music  classes  were  v  subpar  )  .  soon  enough  producers  wanted  to  work  with  her  &  she  was  making  enough  that  she  didn’t  have  to  sell  her  songs  which  she  hated  doing  but  had  to  pay  the  bills  u  know  .  oh  &  her  vc  is  billie  eilish  bc  ofc  shes  my  queen  go  stream  when  we  all  fall  asleep  where  do  we  go  on  spotify  u  won’t  be  disappointed  

        she  also  started  getting  into  the  partying  scene  here  yikes  !! it  was  a  method  for  her  to  numb  all  her  pain  from  her  past  &  impostor  syndrome  &  drown  all  that  out  in  pills  or  tequila  .  it  rly  wasn’t  healthy  bc  of  how  she  would  binge  for  a  weekend  then  try  to  stay  sober  throughout  the  week  but  failing  by  about  wednesday when  she  started  to  feel  hollow  .  she  wasn’t  gonna  be  a  one  hit  wonder  &  her  mom  sure   as  hell  didn’t  go  through  all  that  trouble  just  for  sofie  to  be  a  nobody  addict  !! so  she  kept  it  together  enough  to  start  making big  bucks  & well  …….  here  she  is  :~)

personality

        sofie  blames  it  on  her  brazilian  heritage  but  this  bitch  loves  a  party  !!  like  shes  the  one  who  gets  happy drunk  at  the  pre  then  is  the  first  on  the  dance  floor  then  later  falls  out  of  the  club  &  into  some  rando’s  bed !!  in  the  back  of  her  mind  she  knows  her  drug  &  alcohol  use  is  self - destructive  but  she  figures  shes  allowed  to  let  loose  sometimes (  even  if  that  ends  up  being  most  nights  )  ;  rly  she’s  just  in  denial  bc  she  doesn’t  want  to  change  her  ways  &  lose  her  identity  !!

        doesn’t  put  labels  on  her  gender  identity  or  sexual orientation  .  she  finds  them  restrictive  &  useless  for  herself  ,  labels  would  only  be  to  satisfy  others  .  she  doesn’t  see  herself  as  110%  female  either  like  she’s  all about  gender  being  a  social  construct  /  a  spectrum  ;  some  days  she’ll  get  dolled  up  &  wear  heavy  makeup  &  six  inch  heels  ,  some  days  she’ll  walk  around  in  a  bun  &  tracksuit  &  trainers  .  anyone  who  asks  abt  it  will  swiftly  get  2  middle  fingers  in  their  face  !! shes  uncontrollable  i  swear

         puts  up  a  tough  bad - ass  front  like  billie  does aksjdh  like  nah  nothing  can  hurt  me  im  bulletproof  !!  but  is  rly  just  kinda  broken  underneath  .  she  doesn’t  even  let  her  closest  friends  know  how  hurting  she  is  bc  she  doesn’t  wanna  burden  them  .  she  rly  uses  mmusic  as  an  outlet  tho  so  she’ll  act  totally  tough  then   go  to  the  studio  &  record  all  about  her  heartache  .  will  NEVER  let  someone  see  her  cry  no  matter  how  close  she  is  with  them  .  she  rly  sees  it  as  a  sign  of  weakness  &  shes  in  a  much  better  place  than  she  was  5  years  ago  so  she  figures  she’s  not  ALLOWED  to  feel  anything  but  grateful  .  

         this  bitch  overthinks  everything  !! half  the  time  she  isn’t  rly  listenning  to  whoever  bc  she’s  thinking  about  what  they  just  said  &  if  they’re  mad  with  her  .  she’s  that  friend  who  will  ask  u  to  come  over  to  formulate  the  perfect  text  response  &   fuss  over  it  for  hours  .  that  being  said  ,  if  someone  talks  shit  abt  anyone  shes  tight  with  ,  they’re  gonna  get  it  the  next  time   she  sees  them  .  she  isn’t  about  violence  &  would  never  get  into  a  physical  fight  ,  but  she’d  work  behind  the  scenes  to  ruin  their  life  .  but  then  she  pretends  like  she  rly  doesn’t  care  though  its  obvious  to  those  close  to  her  that  she  cares  way  too  much

has  a  very  hard  time  expressing  love  bc  she  didn’t  have  much  practice  w  it  growing  up  .  she  was  on  her  own  most  of  her  young  life  so  even  if  her  mom  would  tell  her   te  amo  she  would  be  like  uh  huh  gtg  bye !!  

tldr ;  poor  bitch  w  abandonment  issues  who  was  able  to  get  out  of  it  by  channeling  her  energy  into  music  &  numbing  the  stress  with  pills  or  alcohol  which  she  def  still overuses  but  she  doesn’t  think its  a  problem  !! yikeroony  !!  loves  partying  & having  a  good  time  ,  puts  up  a  tough  front  but  is  rly  soft  underneath  .

wanted (* = mw)

friends  from  high  school  !! -  people  sof  stayed  with  in  the  summer  bc  she  wasn’t  going  home  to  brazil  .  

friends  from  music  school  !!  -  she  def  felt  like  an  outsider  among  the  music  prodigies  at  this  school  ,  &  maybe  this  person  was  one  of  the  ppl  she  actually  connected  with  . 

come  out  &  play  !!  this  person  acts  as  a  good  influence  to  sofie  .  they’re  level - headed  &  very  grounding  ,  &  sofie  doesn’t  let  it  show  but  they’re  really  important  to  her  .  this  is  the  Softest  billie  song  (  prob  bc  it  was  for  an  ad skdj )  &  they  inspired  it  bc  it’s  how  she  feels  when  shes with  them  .  they  encourage  her  to  be  all  that  she  can  be  &  they  believe  in  her  ,  &  they’re  prob  the  one  person  sofie  trusts  the  most  which  is  SAYING  something  !!

*exes  on  bad  terms  !!  -   ok  this  would  basically  be  based  on  all  the  songs  billie  has  about  a  failed  relationship  /  heartbreak  !! shes  got  a  bunch  .  im  thnking  maybe  she  was  actually  rly  into  them  but  had  a  hard  time  expressing  it  bc  she’s never  been  good  with  emotional  expression  ,  &  it  led  to  the  relationship  feeling ?? unfaithful  /  disconnected  ??  idk  but  she  rly  loved  them  &  is  still  nursing  that  heartbreak  .  (  x  ,  x  ,  x  )

the  paris  to  her  nicole  !!  -  ok  i  f*cking  hate  that  i  said  this  but  she’s  nicole  richie  its  true  !! she  needs  a  messy  gal  pal  exactly  like  how  paris  &  nicole  are  i  stan  them  (  x  ,  x  ,  x  )

roommate  !!  -  bc  of  her  abandonment  issues  she  rly  doesn’t  like  living  alone  so  prob  is  the  roomie  who  will  sleep  in  their  bed  from  time  to  time  bc  she  doesn’t  like  being  totally  alone  .  

*when  the  party’s  over  !!  - these  two have  been  hooking  up  for  a  while  no  strings  attached  but  recently  feelings  have  been  caught  !! &  now  they  still  hook  up  quite  often  but  sofie’s  kinda  harboring  feelings &  pretending  all  is  well  but  she  rly  hopes  they’ll  just  stay  the  night  from  time  to  time  ,  &  gets  secretly  heartbroken  when  she  sees  them  flirting  or  leaving  with  someone  else  . they  can  also  have  feelings  if  u  want  that  angst :~)

fwb  !!  -  sofie  is  pretty  transparent  when  it  comes  to  what  she  wants  &  she’s  got  a  bad  habit  of  replacing  dealing  with  problems  with  getting  laid  !! like  u  know  in  movies  when  the  man  opens  his  wallet  and  a  row  of  like  20  pictures  of  different  women  fall  out  ??  that’s  sof’s  aesthetic  .  she’s  got  a  bunch  of  fwb  of  all  genders  so  bring  me  some  pls

***mutual  dislike  /  copycat  !!  self - explanatory  ,  sofie  thinks  this  person  is  copying  her  in  everything  she  does  &  thinks  its  annoying  af  so  she  wrote  a  song  abt  it  &  hopes  they  indirectly  get  the  message  even  if  she  drops  not  so  subtle  hints  .  skfldjh  itd  be  messy  pls !!

party  buddies  !!  -  someone  who  encourages  sofies  wild  ways  .  when  the  two  get  together  its  usually  to  get  drunk  or  high  &  thats  the  way  they  like  it  .  sofie  doesn’t  feel  judged  by  them  as  she  does  by  others  who  don’t  get  obliterated  at  every  social  event  (  what  an  idea  !!  )  so  she  rly  values  them  ,  even  if  she  doesn’t  express  it

 ** 8 !! - someone  who  kinda  reluctantly  got  into  a  relationship  with  sofie  out  of  maybe  a  desire  to  save  her  from  herself  ??  like  u  know  that  good  girl  bad  boy  trope  where  the  girl  tries  to  save  the  boy  from  whatever  he’s  struggling  with  ?  that’s  them  but  the  roles  are  just  reversed  -  good  guy  ,  bad  girl  .  it  was  kinda  just  filled  w  her  being  self - destructive  &  confiding  in  him  but  not  rly  reciprocating  the  care  so  he  became  kinda  distant  bc  of  it  .  tbh  she  prob  knew  he  was  too  good  for  her  but  had  a sliver  of  hope  he  wouldn’t  leave  her  even  tho  eventually  she  became  too  much  for  him  .  (  lyrics : you said, "don't treat me badly", but you said it so sadly, so I did the best I could, not thinkin' you would have left me gladly. i know you're not sorry, why should you be? 'cause who am I to be in love, when your love never is for me?” )

good influence  !! this  person  can  tell  that  her  beahvior  is  unhealthy  &  are  trying  to  gently  nudge  her  abt  it  .  she  can  tell  what  they’re  doing  but  her  addict  brain  is  telling  her  its  invasive  &  threatening  so  shes  not  the  fondest  of  this  person  ,  but  deep  down  she  really  appreciates  them

music buddies !! these  two  are  both  in  the  music  industry  &  rather  than  it  being  competitive  ,  they’ve  developed  a  friendship  from  it  & enjoy  working  together  .  

* someone  sofie  ghostwrites  for  !! for  whatever  reason  ,  this  muse  doesn’t  write  their  own  songs  & instead  pays  sofie  to  write  them  for  them  .  she  doesn’t  love  it  but  its  a  way  to  make  money  &  give  away  songs  she  doesn’t  feel  attached  to  but  are  worth  something  .  maybe  its  tense  bc  they  claim  the  songs  as  their  own  &  sofie  doesn’t  like  it  ,  this  could  be  ~escandolo~  later  !!

*** my boy ( high school bf ) !! - ok  tea  this  song  is  the  one  that  broke  her  into  the  industry  .  she  produced  it  all  herself  &  just  relased  it  to  her  soundcloud  thinking  it  wouldn’t  rly  go  anyway  but  !!  joke’s  on  yung sofie  .  essentially  he  thought  the  relationship  was  going  well  ,  she’d  met  his  family  &  they  rly  liked  her  but  !! sof  was  feeling  kinda  smothered  &  told  herself  he  was  lying &  cheating  on  her  n  shit  so  she  wrote  a  song  about  it  !! &  once  it  was  starting  to  get  attention  he  was  like  ….. uhhh  what  the  fuck  & she  was  like  haha  sorry  !! so  they  broke  up  &  ever  since  its  been  animosity ,  but  she  realizes  she  fucked  up  but  it  launched  her  career  so  she  doesn’t  know  whether  to  keep  up  the  idgaf  i  hurt  you  or  apologize  .  

* ex - friends  !!  ok  pls  i  have  this  hc  where  sofie  got  way  too  high  one  night  &  slept  with  this  person’s  dad  or  sibling  or  smth !!  u  know  that  line  in  ‘ bad guy ’  where  she  goes  ‘ might  seduce  your  dad  type  ? ’  ya  that’s  got  sofie  written  ALL  over  it  !!   &  now  they’re  not  friends  bc  sofie  can’t  keep  it  in  her  pants  but  both  sides  kinda  misses  the  other  but  are  too  stubborn  to  say  anything  :~(

exes from college / high school  !!  - ok honestly i just love all the exes plots . gimme someone who like maybe they were hooking up & decided to give it a shot dating & it worked for a while but ultimately fell apart bc of sof’s inability to open up. maybe theres still tension or maybe theyre friends now !!

* lovely  !!  -  i  need  a  male  voice  for  khalid’s  part  in  lovely  bc  i  need  this  song  in  my  life  bc  its  a  whole  ass   sofie  mood  ok  .  

i’ve  also  got  a  wanted  connections  tag  linked  HERE  dksfj there's  not  much  in  it  yet  but  feel  free  to  check  it  out  .  ok  i  love  y'all  

[notesofarichlycolorednight]

41/50 for Luke and Tori please?

sorry this took me so long! i was having trouble nailing down a concept that i liked. of course that only led to me thinking too hard abt it

so without further ado, here it is! it’s mainly an all human! and crime!au, kept the greek names, with some mish-mash of other things thrown in there. idk really, it’s kinda a mess

half under a cut bc i’m a long-winded bitch

it’s not my Best, but the depression has hit hard and i have other projects i’d like to work on (if the depression will let me)

#41 first kiss#50 arranged marriage

Day 1

"Ugh, you expect me to marry a grifter." She said grifter like it was the worst of the four letter words, throwing the blond man across from her a distasteful look. And for a long time, he'd thought brown eyes always had a warmth about them.

He scoffed. "As if marrying into a house of fixers is any better." His ice-blue eyes shot the blonde woman across from him, his own glare. "Have you even been taught the tricks of the trade yet?" His voice had turned mocking.

Tori opened her mouth to respond with a biting comment, but her mother quickly grabbed her hand and squeezed painfully.

"It would be improper for her to be in such a state in front of her betrothed," Diana said with a perfected smile.

Luke rolled his eyes, missing the irritated look Tori had thrown at her mother.

"Why don't we talk about the details of the wedding in my office." Tori's father, Apollo, stood. Luke's father, Hermes, stood as well with a nod.

"We should let these two get better acquainted," Hermes agreed before shooting his son a pointed look, while Apollo did the same.

Diana stood. "Just as well, I will be meeting with a client soon."

"Yes, I also have a meeting of my own." May stood.

Soon the only two left in the room were Tori and Luke, both glaring at each other, refusing to speak.

Day 100

"Thanks a lot, asshole!" Tori picked up the nearest glass, which was only full of water and some ice, and threw it into Luke's face.

Luke gasped and shot up, his eyes freezing over as he glared at Tori. "What the fuck?" He shook off some of the water, his mark handing him a handful of napkins to wipe his face with. It didn't do much, napkins at clubs were horrendously small and thin. Across the table from Luke, a man also in a suit blinked in surprise and leaned away from Tori.

"You know this chick, Luke?" he asked, raising an eyebrow.

The people at the tables around them had their eyes trained on the three now, and were murmuring. The waiters had stopped in their tracks, shooting the three nervous looks.

Luke swiped up his napkin and started cleaning his face, while the other man stood and assured the rest of the restaurant that everything was fine and to go back to their meal. Either he was particularly persuasive, or they wanted to pretend nothing had happened because the patrons went back to their dinners and the wait staff began moving from table to table again.

"She's no one," Luke finally answered, eyes half-pleading, half-threatening, but Tori ignored that. She'd been outright threatened by worse.

"Actually, I'm his fiancée." Tori held out her hand, brandishing her engagement ring to the other man, who was still standing. It was something that their parents had decided on together. Luke hadn't even seen it until he'd given it to her. Luke's eyes blazed and he opened his mouth to yell at her, but his mark spoke first.

"You didn't say you were married." The guy looked her over, and any other day would've earned a solid punch to the nose, but she was busy glowering at Luke. "She's quite the catch."

Tori was dressed up, as well, as you'd want to be in such a fancy restaurant setting. Though, her dress were rather plain-black, fitting, and only went down to the tops of her knees. She wore a pair of glossy black flats, and her hair was curled, pulled over her shoulder and held there by a large clip, embedded with diamonds. (Luke vaguely wondered if that was another gift that he'd bought for her.)

"I can see you're in the middle of the something," Tori said sweetly, her eyes flickering over to the other man, "but my fiancé and have a few things to discuss."

"It can't wait until I get home?" Luke asked, punctuating his words.

Tori's smile dropped as she turned to look back at Luke. "No." She looked back at Luke's mark. "You best leave. Now."

The guy took the last swig of his drink before stepping out from behind the table and going to Luke to pat him on the shoulder. "Better luck next time." The nodded to Tori before making his way to the exit.

Luke stepped around the table, approaching Tori, but she held her ground. "What the fuck was that? You just lost me a mark." His voice was low, so as to not draw any more attention than necessary.

"I think you mean petty cash," she shot back. "Unlike you, I was actually working—meeting with a client."

"If he was scared off, maybe you should've been doing your job better," Luke retorted.

"I was doing my job, just fine until that cartel you pissed off last week showed up, looking for you." Luke's face paled, all anger at his soon-to-be-wife drained from him. He stepped back so he could scan the restaurant. Tori continued speaking, "Spooked my client, who took off, by the way. And now, they've come for you. I'd like to see you get out of this one, hot shot."

Just as she was finishing, one of the men came into view and immediately spotted Luke.

"We have to go." Luke grabbed Tori's wrist and started dragging her through the restaurant.

"There's no 'we!' This is all you!" She tried to pry her wrist from his grasp, but his fingers were locked like a iron vice.

"They know we're getting married. They'll hurt you to get to me. So yes, we." Luke rolled his eyes, annoyed he even had to explain this to her. What were her parents teaching her about the underworld?

He tried to drag her to a back exit, but another man appeared. So he quickly diverted his path to another possible exit, only, you guessed it, another man appeared. Luke was forced to enter the kitchen, pushing his way past chefs and some of the wait staff. They didn't make it a few feet before one of the men was in there.

Shots rang out. Luke and Tori instinctively ducked, and he pulled her behind one of the kitchen's islands. There screams as food went flying alongside pots, pans, bowls and plates. Those in the kitchen scattered until only shots rang through the kitchen, following the sounds of ricochet.

Luke didn't want to risk looking, but he guessed there were most likely at least two shooters now. And no way out. He and Tori were staring at a dead end wall behind racks of prepped food.

"We're trapped," he sighed, trying to come to terms with his demise. Who knew he'd go out cowering behind a table in a kitchen, sitting next to the one he was being forced to marry?

"I can take them." Tori said. Luke's head snapped over to her. She was grinning.

"Are you insane? Even if you had a way to stop them from shooting at us, more would show up!"

Had he had time to, Luke would've grabbed her arm and asked her if she was crazy again, but she moved faster than he anticipated. Faster than he'd ever seen her move, in fact. Although, it wasn't like he had paid much attention to her since the announcement of their "happy" engagement.

In one fluid motion, Tori pulled out a glock, already fit with a silencer, from her clutch and spun, staying behind the table but standing enough so she had a clear line of sight of the shooters.

It felt like Luke blinked, heard cries of pain, and suddenly the shooting stopped. Heart beating rapidly in his chest, eyes wide as a does, he carefully lifted himself to his knees and peered over the counter. No gunman to be seen. Tori had stood to full height, and was smiling at her work. Luke slowly stood, too, seeing that the gunmen were on the ground, groaning. Most likely due to the fact that they now had new holes in their knees.

"Mother is going to be very cross with me when she finds out you had to see that." Tori said, slipping her gun back into clutch. "Let's go husband, mine, before more show up." She started toward the back entrance of the kitchen, where two more groaning gunmen laid.

Luke followed in a daze, glancing down at the gunmen again as he stepped over them.

"You have…impeccable aim." He swallowed hard and was glad for the fresh air as he stepped out into the alleyway.

"Don't be impressed yet, my clip is low and more are coming. Let's go!" Tori grabbed Luke's wrist and began pulling him down the alley just as car lights flashed on them. The car screeched to a halt. Doors opened and shut. More gunshots rang through the air.

They broke out into a run as they exited the alley and onto a quiet street. Tori was leading him somewhere, but he was still a little stunned and was having a hard time gathering his bearings. They went through another alley, with footsteps hot on their trail. She took them a block down and down yet another alley.

"Are we going to lose them any time soon?" Luke asked, finally coming from his daze.

She glared at him over her shoulder. "You try running in a skintight dress. You're going to see me naked at some point in our marriage, I am sure of it, but I'd rather not it be in a dark alley surrounded by cartel members."

They kept running.

The men of the cartel somehow managed to keep up with them. They hadn't started shooting yet, but if they got even a foot closer, no doubt shooting would begin soon.

A few moments later, they were on a more populated and lit street. Houses lined the sidewalk, and cars passed perhaps a little faster than they should on a residential street.

Tori was scanning the apartments.

Luke glanced over his shoulder. He didn't see anyone, but he was sure they were only a step behind.

"I'm good picking locks, but I don't think I'll be able to pick one fast enough," Luke admitted.

"You don't need to. Come on." Tori led them up the steps to an apartment with a red door. "Take off your jacket and pull out your shirt from your pants." Luke did as she said, and she took his jacket, draping it over her shoulders before taking the clip out of her hair and putting it into the jacket pocket. She ruffled it, bringing it over both her shoulders. "Okay, now pretend to kiss me?"

"What?" Luke blanched. His blue eyes were wide and a blush was creeping up into his face.

"I know we hate each other, but right now it's life or death. So just…" Tori reached up and wrapped her arms around his neck, pulling him forward, his head closer to hers. She inclined her head, but kept him a hair's breadth away from her, turning them so that anyone looking from the street wouldn't know they weren't actually kissing. She kept her eyes on the sidewalk, watching for the cartel men.

"Put your hands somewhere," she muttered. "On my hips. Caress my face. Do something with them."

Luke shifted and quickly put his hands on her hips, underneath his jacket that was precariously hanging off her shoulders.

And maybe he should've been more worried that their lives were at stake, and they were using a tactic that wasn't guaranteed to work to get away from them, but all he could really think about was Tori being so close. She was surprisingly warm, even though she was dressed in less. She smelled like honey. Her hair shined like gold in the streetlight. Messy curls was a good look for her.

They'd never been this close until now. They stayed as far away from each other as humanly possible, unless out. Then, they had to act like a happy couple, but at their shared home, Luke slept on the pull-out sofa. They rarely interacted, simply co-existing and skirting around each other, going about their respective jobs.

Standing there, adrenaline rushing through his veins, their breaths mingingly, so close he could feel the warmth of her body made him kind of regret not having taken up the opportunity to...act like a real couple when no one was watching. But that meant diffusing the animosity between them, and he wasn't sure that was going to happen.

Just as Tori spotted some of the men that were chasing them passing by, without really thinking about it, Luke reached up to caress Tori's face with one of his hands.

Tori blinked, startled, her brown eyes going to Luke.

"Luke, what—?" she started, but before she could finish he'd pressed his lips to hers.

Maybe she would've remembered that she hated him, if only because she was being forced to marry him. But his hand at her face was gentle. His arm that snaked around her waist and pulled her closer to deepen the kiss was firm and warm. His lips were a little chapped, but he was a good kisser. Before she knew it, she was curling one of her hands into his hair, the other arm wrapping around his neck to hold him to her.

And that was the first time they'd kissed each other, if you can believe that.

thanks for sending this in! it was fun to think abt, even if i had a little trouble deciding on my idea

[bloomvroom]

vent poetry

anger issue stuff/vindictive fantasies due to cptsd regarding abuser

trigger warning for violence & gore I guess _ Youve been hanging around for a while now, its been some years since you raped me Its been some years since you begged me not to leave you since you asked me “Do you really want to throw all we are away over this?” right in the same day that you raped me

And I hoped id never see your face again after I cut you out of my life and I tried to heal but you wouldnt leave me alone Dragged you inside my mind to school cuz you stalked me outside my house always in presence, moved on my fucking street and you dont like letting go of me And you tore into my family, but yknow they already hated me cuz they didnt wanna believe my dad sexually abused me they already desperately wanted to call me a liar for sure, all to keep their blissfull facade of things being all fine, they just couldnt bring it over themselves to call a 13 year old little girl a liar right back when I cut my dad out of my life too cuz he tried to fucking rape me that one weekend in his new flat after mom left him Yeah youve been the chance they waited for, if it happened more than once, surely the girl is fucking lying right? You gave them the push they needed so they finally could set themselves free from pretending like they give a damn, so they called 16 year old me a liar, oh and you told them you raped me on accident, oh but like theyd have prefered it if you had that left part out but they made do with what you gave, I did some sorta roleplays with you, so you couldnt differniate, right? Doesnt matter that they never asked for my version of the events, or that you raped me out of nowhere, no sexual activity prior to it at all, no roleplay, nothing at all, they took it from there and came up with more excuses to explain away how obviously traumatized I am, my aunts husband said my mom didnt stop me from watching violent manga porn in my childhood and thats why im so fucked up now, I have no fucking clue where he got that from, for sure, but its quite of concerning that he knew I saw that sort of media in my childhood, but for real, my dad was the one actively telling me to go look up this sort of porn, after hes been showing me lolicon anime cuz he tried to groom me with it, after he instructed me to masturbate to hentai cuz he liked watching me, ah but whatever, they dont care abt that, do they?

Cuz they only care about the way youve came into their life and gave them the blessing of finally getting to call me a liar out loud, oh youve given them what they wanted, youre so buddy buddy now, and they never wanted to question how fucking creepy it is for a guy to actively befriend the family of a girl that has claimed shes been raped by the guy, how fucking weird it is that this girl went to a lawyer to get help cuz the guys been stalking her, and how they might be part of that stalking too, oh but why would ever question anything? anyhow? why would they?

They even let you move in with them, yeah why would the guy that shes accused of having raped her and stalking her wanna move in with her family after shes refused any sort of contact with him no matter how much he pushed for it? What kind of guy would do this knowing its gonna hurt her? its gonna devastate her? Yeah, what sort of powerhungry guy would - hey what again is rape most of the time motivated by? A hunger for power? A thirst for control? Mh, I wonder - I wonder how long you can hold your breath wasting your life creeping on me, over your inability to get over that I had the audacity to leave your ass after you raped me, thinking that id just move on and not leave u for it, oh for someone that obsessed about me for such a long time its like you barely even knew me,

And I know I should feel like crying when I think of it but all I feel is the shivering in my arms and legs from the adrenaline, and the waves of rage and violent urges that wash over me when I remember what the world let you get away with, when I remember my pathetic family and their farce when I remember how much of a dissapointment youve turned out to be, You should have really known so much fucking better than that, your own mother liked to get to close to you for comfort in your own childhood, you know what it feels like to be preyed on, yet you continued the cycle of abuse its pathetic, cuz I trusted you so much, trusted you in a world where barely anybody understands what its like if a parent sexually abuses you as a child, and you knew what its like, cuz it happened to you too, I trusted you to want to be better than that, I trusted that you wanted to heal and recover just like me, but boy was I wrong

You acted out on me, got triggered for sure, but you cant heal from what you refuse to see yourself as victimized of, you never liked accepting that what your mom did to you is really that bad, you held me so tightly and told me youd never let me go now that you know that I wont judge you for what youve been through, you cried in my arms that day, when we still were a couple, and you said somewhere you know what your mom did really counted as sexual abuse but you just cant let go of the illusion that she loves you, cant let go of the illusion that it wasnt even that bad, that it didnt count cuz only women can get victimized but that it feels so good to finally get to feel vulnerable, and youd never let go of me, and you do everything to make sure what happened to me never repeats

few months later you raped me’ and now youre crying out loud for gods sake just leave me the fuck alone, I cant cope with the amount of urges to murder you I get, but sadly enough I know thats sorta what youre getting at here, I know deep inside you just hope I snap and kill you cuz you cant get what you did out of you, cant get what she did to you out of you and now youre turning it around on me, and you hate me so vehemently hate me for leaving you, hate me for having been kind to you before, yeah, hate me cuz you cant have me, hate me cause you hate yourself, hate me cause youd like to end your miserable life cuz you know you cant take back what you did, well ive no sympathy for you You can beg, and you can threaten and all I do is fantasize about gutting you like a fish, I wanna cut the skin on your back open and unfold it so you can be the angel youve always wanted to be, I wanna stitch that lying mouth of yours shut, I wanna break all your fingers so you regret having ever touched me with them in those ways, I want to step on your body as its bleeding out, I wanna crush your bones with heavy shoes, I wanna hear you break like you tried to break me that day, I wanna stuff your throat full of white feathers so you can know what it felt like to be called “purity in person” too, try coughing up how you really feel, Id like to see you try, put you on a pedastal like you put me with a noose round your neck so you can know how graceful this fall is’

Purity isnt something you can steal, you shouldnt have tried to from me, Purity is something thats not as real as people pretend it is, the childhood innocence you miss, you should admit to why you feel that way, but im out of patience to give advice, youll only obsess over, like you used to, Im saying it now, the only fantasies ive got with you anymore are those in which I torture and kill you for every day you overstayed, for every day you sabotaged me and my life, when you came into my life, and when you left me bruised and more broken than ive ever been before, sabotaged the way I tried to go to school and graduate, stalking me like you did, I tried my best to succeed in life even as you kept trying to drag me down, I kept going anyway, and I did good in my own way, I kept going slower, slower, slower, but I still went my way you could slow me down, but you could never get me to stop never get me to give up, This is one hell of a sick game youve been playing with me, why cant you just accept it? You raped me and theres no second chance after that, You can deny it, try to act like you didnt, but I know you hate yourself for it, dont make it my issue, it makes me so sick when you think I could ever feel anything more for you at this point, more than the urge to grab a knife and slice your throat just to finally put an end to this, an end to this you and me havent been a thing since we’ve been sixteen, but you feel me with such violent shine when my mind goes dark cuz youve been trying to trap me in my own room full of fear cuz you keep reminding me of the way you raped me, oh and I feel like a tiger in a cage, like a tiger in a cage and im about to rip you open with my teeth, But theyd never understand the amount of damage youve dealt to me, would they? Id be the “bad one” So why dont you do me a favour and just kill yourself? You keep clinging to a possible future you had envisioned with me, but I never agreed to that, I always told you if you do something that hurts me, ill leave ya’ and you didnt even think id really do it, I promised you to stay with you for life unless you do something thatll hurt me real bad, you promised you never would, looks like you broke our promise and yet your the one crying out loud feeling the need to make me feel just how angry you are cuz I had the audacity not to stay in an relationship with my rapist

[ilygsd]

odfidk: 140818 - 2

im suicidal and i low key want everyone to unfollow and block so i can write my psycho rants in peace i honestly think i got bpd or smth. ive also checked ptsd multiple times but i dont remember my trauma and i dont have any dreams abt it since in fkn adopted. my whole life had been a trauma. 

im so fucking tired of my dad. i dont think ive gotten a single fucking apology in my whole life from him. 

when we were younger my little sister got scared and never dared to tell him when she broke or lost something cus he always made her cry. he always got soooo angry but always pretended he wasnt angry at us, but he obviously was. i used to cry too but instead i got angry because i’ve always been the problematic kid so i always started to scream at him instead. i still do cus im still problematic

one time when i was 16 i was on my way to the first party at my upper high school. i was looking forward to it so much because i suffered through junior high because of all the white rich racist snobs. i was happy bc i had finally been able to make some friends and after my parents divorce, friends were the only place i felt sade. but then dad suddenly calls me and starts to yell at me, accusing me of stealing his money (aka $2). ive never felt so betrayed and humiliated. my own dad didnt believe me. ”well your sister said she didnt, so it must be one of you two”. 

turns out it was my sister and she was too afraid to say something so my ugly fucking dad decided to ruin my whole fucking night and i embarrassed myself because i cried in public because i was so frustrated of not being believed. she admitted to mom. i never got an apology from any of them but i didnt say anything because i knew my sister was too scared. she never blamed it on me, she just said she didnt do and. and dad did the rest

one time a classmate of mine told me about her abusive dad and how he used to grab her by the neck when she did something ”wrong” and chase after her, maybe even hitting her. our dad never got physical with us but this is obviously emotional abuse. yesterday was the night i finally admitted it to myself. our dad is abusive and he’s one the reasons im so abusive myself. ive known for long, but i love him and i tried for so long. i kept fighting him cus i wanted to believe he was able to change but he’s not. he doesnt even understand. i hate him for that, i hate him for making me the monster i am today.

his first instinct is always to accuse. like yesterday evening for example where he helps me with my phone (he’s not the most technical one). something he thinks will work doesn’t work but an ”error” pops up and he immediately mutters ”what have you done now...” i get furious because i’m tired of all these microaggressions and he agitated me earlier this evening with his ignorance and refusal to change aka ”there will always be injustice and classism, why dont you become a poltician instead”. i tell him to apologize and he guilt trips me, accusing me of being sensitive, always mistunderstanding his words and now he’s ”not going to talk to me anymore” ”since he cant say anything”. i get even more angry and he tells me to shut up. it sounds harsher in swedish, so i’d probably translate it to ”shut the fuck up” instead. i walk away, obviously done with his bullshit 

emotional abuse. i could never tell him that though. i mean i could and i’ fucking did but his dumb ass never listens. not even after mom divorced him he listens. he never does. hes so ruined that he always blames it on everyone else for being sensitive. he thinks hes kind and understanding when he says ”im sorry YOU FEEL that way” because he doesnt understand its not ME or MY feelings. its me, my mom, and my sister. its a fucking fact that hes emotionally abusive, its not something we just FEEL. but theres no idea arguing with him because he will only get angry. as usual.

its gotten better through the years. not because he has learnt anything, but because we are older, not little children anymore. he’s never like this with adults. mom said it was different techniques on her, because she’s an adult and was his wife. he would probably get sad reading all of this but he wouldnt show it and i wouldnt care because he wouldnt apologize and he wouldnt understand. thats his weakness and that will be his doom. 

nothing ever changes in this family. my dad keeps being an emotional abuser while im the only one saying something. my older brothers left me and my little sister during our parentes divorvve. my little sister is always the quiet one while im always the annoying aggressive one. im always on my own fighting. but i never get any appreciation. no one asks me how i am feeling. my sister never asks me, never hugs me. i know she loves me and i hope shes thankful for always standing up against our dad, always protecting her ever since we were kids. i know she doesnt like my ways all the time, that she dislikes when im fighting and yelling but at least i do something. the only one listening is mom but we fight too sometimes. i just wish i wasnt so lonely. me and my closest to age brother could maybe talk, could maybe be closer if he didnt betray us, betray ME like that. ffs he was 21 when they divirced. a grown ass man. i was 11, i was going through another abandonment. i lost everything. the money, my parents, my family. everything i was proud of and thought was safe. we could maybe talk if he wasnt so uncomfortable and unserious. i know he talks to mom and i know mom, me and him are the only one thinking in this god damn family. but he left me. i wish my sister could give me some love. i know she cares but she never shows me. i love her the most in our family. we’re the only chinese adoptees and i feel like i need to protect her. i try not to cry in front of her but i just wish she could give me something. i know theres nothing i can do about it. i tried to pressure her when we were younger but she only withdrew even more. i was always the one trying. im always the one trying, speaking up. im always painted as the problematic unstable one but i’ve gone through the most shit in this family. i came as a crying and screaming baby. i was afraid of everything, always crying. and thats what i’ve always been. always the crying one, the one who cant control her feelings. always the lazy one because ive been to scared to try things. no one appreciates me. im not perfect and i hate myself for it. im paranoid and i have abusive tendencies. i got major abandonment issues and i used to text people a lot. i dont do that anymore. i never answer anymore because no one cares and im too scared of making new friends.

i know im not perfect but i also know my bf would miss me if i stopped texting him. i know my sister will miss me when i move away. she will never stand up against dad and a part of me wants to stay protecting her but im tired. i dont get anything. never a thank you. never a nod. i dont know how she feels. i only from what mom tells me. she never joins me or helps me. only when its herself. ONLY when its about her. she never takes my side. i never blamed her for it. i always blamed dad. i hated my vrothers for leaving me, but not her because shes my baby sister. but im tired. im exhausted and i never get anything. my family abandoned me so i invested in friends instead. they could be my third family. but they abandoned me too. my issues got in the way and they abandoned me. at the same time i went through an abortion at age 17. my mom abandoned me because of her own mental illbess and my boyfriend abandoned me because of his cowardness. at the same time i had the biggest indentity crises and i started to miss my own mom, my actual mom, like crazy. no one was there for me. maybe my adoptive mom tried her hardest but she’s white, she suffered from PTSD for 7 years herself, she wasnt like dad, but she wasnt enough. no ones enough. no one can save me. no one can save me. not even my beautiful boyfriend who loves me so much and who i’ve been a total fkn abuser to. no one can save me. my mom got surprised when we watched a documwntary about killers and i said i think like that. i feel like that. i feel like that could be me. she said ”not could you have killed anyone” but ive wanted to. ive dreamt about it. ive wanted to kill everyone on this earth. ive wanted to kill myself and everyone i hold dear. and when people say ”those abusers and nasty murderers deserve no love. they’re lost” i feel like murderering them extra slow. no one ever loved me. i was never loved. i came here only to serve as a child to a middle class white western couple. no one cares about my mother. no one cares about me. my trauma was only me being difficult and me being difficumt was only bc of what happened in china, never bc of what they did. white people are never weong. the damage adoptees go through is only BEFORE the adoption. never after. white people are perfect. so perfect people want more to adopt us. cus we’re only dolls to you. we’re just children you can send back and forth. no one cared that i was all alone my 2 first years. that i was shipped back and forth like a toy. no one cared about me when they placed me in sweden, the whitest country next to our neighbors, denmark, norwat and finland. no one cared about me when they placed me in a family that would divorce. where the mom would get ptsd for 7 year, not work and no money. dad is emotionally abusive and emotionelly inaccessible. no one cared about me when i missed my mom. when i started to read about racism and sexism and colonialism and classism. no ones ever cared about me and im tired. no one can save me. ive been fighting my whole life. ive been fighting for basic things like love and safety. im never loved. im never safe. im always fighting, always chasing something i’ll never get

i remember when this was everday. when i felt like this everydsy and thought i would die everyday. the only one by my side my boyfriend who i am incapable givning the love and appreciation he deserves. i dont want this to come back. tomorrow i’ll be fine. tomorrow everything will be forgotten. my dad will never ever applogoze for anything. my sister will never ever give me any kind of love. everything will be normal tomorrow but nothing will be solved. im cursed. im cursed. im cursed. im cursed. im doomed. i will never escape these thoughts and feelings. im doomed to suffer. no matter what i do, no matter how much i try its always weong. no one cares. im so lonely. i miss my mom. i wish i was aborted or that i could stat with her. even if i was unhapoy with her she’s at least be my real mom. at least i’d commit suicidw like a normal person. i dont feel like a normal person. i feel like a demon. i feel like a monster.

im very very suicidal right now. i always feel like i have to threaten with suicide but i know no one would care. and that sucks. ive thought about faking my death but my dad is so abusive he’d just get mad at me. so i just couldnt help myself cus i had a big ass anxiety attack so i straight up told him he he wouldnt care if i died. he didnt. he shut the balcony door. so i panicked even more and screamed when i commit suicide he will regret himself, he will regtet. when i commit suicide it will be his fault. no reaction. he was embarrassed. he said ”i dont want the neighbors to hear when youre so sad and angry” so i literally throw a pillow over the tanke and break something and i automatically get scared and then to my room to call mom and i scream so much. i feel like im dying.

i guess i feel better now or whatever cus i was able to talk to my mom but wow our dad is really fucked up. i hate that i cant get people to live me in a healthy why though. i always have to do smth dramatic like killing them or treathening with suicide. but the very fact that i had to go that far for my dad to come and give me a weak hug and after another 5 minutes arguing say ”sorry” cus he just ekot saying ”i usually apologize” and ”i already said that was dumb of me” but literally cant say s-o-r-r-y makes me SO ANGRY. i shouldnt have to commit suicide for my family to care

after everything ive done for my sister and show never gives me any love. after everything ive been through. im standing up against our dad for her too. ive always done. because ove always been the angry kid. always always, and she’s always been te quiet kid. ive done so much for her, ive protected her so much because i know she’s scared of him. i know she’s scared of me too. but she never asks me how im feeling. she never says she loves me or qppreciates me. no one does. she can tell our mom she appreciates that i stand up but never tell me. and NEVER side with me against dad. im always aloen and im so weak and tired. im only doing this because i already have the label as an angry kid. 

i was angry when i was adopted. i was screaming all the time. i was angry and anxious because ive been abandoned multiple times’ and had to deal with these white foreigners i didnt understand. and my mom left me for dad to take care of. she felt like a bad parent and let dad raise me like the unstable psychopath i am today. he always seemed to blame me. theres a reason i feel like the angry annoying kid and that i have no self esteem. it must be from him. probably my whole family, but mainly from him. i was angry when i was adopted, i was angry when my orents divirced, i was angry when i reqlized what a horrible colonial practice international transracial adoption is. all for both me and my sister. because i love her the most in this fucked up family. cus we’re the only chinese adoptees

i hate that i want to revenge through suicide. i hate that im so unhealthy and that i had to go through all of this. i hate all those fucking ”good ppl will not let themselves get broken, they will be kind” fuck you ive been fighting my whole fucking life. these are the quotes that triggers me enogh to kill somebody. ”youre just as bad as your emotionellt abusive dad, as the white pol, the rich, the men who exploited you and separates you from your mother and left you with mental illness and issues that make you uncapable of being loved”

the only thing keeping me alive is the thought of one day going back to china. the only thing keeping me aliev is the thought of being able to avtually help people with my story or knowlege. to help other adoptees or fight for chinese womens rights or smth. thats the only thing. if my life turns out like nothing i’ve been suffering in vain. no one ever needed me. no one ever wanted me. ive always been the only one needing them. the only way for me to heal would be to help others so i can forgive myself. i hate my dad for fuxking me up even more than necessary. i was boound to get these issues sooner or later but the manipulation and absue he gave me will i always hate him for. why did i turn out like this but not my sister? why didnt my sister become a monster like this? and what hurts the most is that i was once proud of my family and my dad. i love him and he took care of me the most. the reason he gave me these fkn issues