#but i don’t want that to be permanent yknow. there’s a restriction there that i despise

[flareguncalamity]

i’m sure someone on here has said this before, but i think cis tiktok really took “feminine in a masculine way” and ran with it without realizing that the appeal of being feminine in a masculine way to genderqueer people, especially afab genderqueer people, isn’t just looking hot or whatever. it’s specifically the discordance of being perceived as masculine and performing femininity.

Like, you see cis women on tiktok with the caption “trying to be feminine in a masculine way!” and then they’ll wear these super femmey suits with their hair back and like. that’s cool i guess? i’m glad you feel confident. but the angst that genderqueer people feel over wanting to be feminine in a masculine way is derived from how this feeling almost seems like an impossible goal. like, femininity is standard for women, so when people perceive you as a woman and you dress feminine there’s no perceived deviance at all. you’re just dressing and acting like how a woman should, according to the audience of people who see you on the street. The part you feel that you lack when you say ‘in a masculine way’ is the part where your femininity gets to be nonstandard.

there’s almost a kind of grossness to when cis men in particular do femininity. it ranges at times from “haha ironic comedy, isn’t it so WEIRD and WACKY when men wear skirts???” gross to something almost demonic (like how men wearing makeup were treated at the height of the satanic panic). there’s like, falseness. like the femininity is separate from you somehow, as a facade, and that there’s some kind of clash between the femininity and the person underneath. and i’m not saying those are good things- the opposite, it’s really, really bad that we treat gender deviance this way. but the longing for this experience as an afab genderqueer person is the longing to exist in a role that is non-normative without sacrificing the things we love about femininity, and to be able to be feminine without having that related back to some quintessential nature of your gender as determined by broader society. I honestly feel like Natalie Wynn described this really well when she said that for her, as a woman, there’s no “de-dragging” where the womanhood falls away from her and she ceases to be feminine in a way that a drag queen might after a performance is over. I think what genderqueer people want when they want to be feminine in a masculine way is to have that ability, to have their femininity be a costume that they can take off at will.

anyways all this to say that i don’t think cosplaying as modcloth-workwear girlboss is going to help me achieve my gender euphoria goal of old church ladies sneering at me in derision every time i wear a dress. although honestly that is a great idea for a drag queen character

[ghcstao3]

Idk if you've already done something like this but

How are soap and ghost with teenagers?? Like, 15-17??? Especially teenagers going through, like, a punk phase or an emo phase. Cuz I can totally see soap helping them shave their hair while ghost shows them the best way to break someone's nose if they ever get in a fight.

Sorry to bother you!!!! I fucking love ur writing btw!!!!!!!!!!!! Bye bye now!!

not a bother at all!! and i actually don’t believe i’ve done anything like this so! let me try my hand

i think they’d both be the kind of person to be like, “experiment however you’d like so long as i know you’ll be safe doing it” because they wouldn’t want to be too restrictive, but would also want enough of a boundary to make sure things don’t turn sour, yknow?

and that’s how it leads into things like soap helping with hairstyles, or not saying no to piercings because those kinds of things don’t have to be permanent. that’s how it leads to ghost teaching self-defense in case anything were to ever go wrong, say, going out with friends where there might be drugs or alcohol—because he knows what that stuff can do to people if they’re not careful.

i don’t know, i’m not super great with like… parenting sorts of hcs. i just feel like they’d know how to set firm limits without being too strict. hell, they both do a plethora of illegal things in the military, so it’d be hypocritical to deny a teen the chance to be a teenager. :)

[readandmisunderstand]

An ending

Hey you. Regular visitor huh. Well. I'm not really sure what happened in our last conversation. But that's okay. I rarely understand much nowadays. And its okay that you don't understand me too. But I do understand it was wrong of me to regard this /gestures around the site/ as my safe space. I apologize. I'm going to stop posting here alright? Don't worry, I'm not cutting you off or avoiding you. I told you I don't do that. It's not like I have a separate account I created somewhere just to exclude you from my life. Nah, you have about the same access to me as just about everyone whom I've shared access to me does. But this blog has been nothing but tragedy and despair and, though you might not agree, extra unnecessary pain for you. It would also be for anyone who reads it too. So I'm gonna stop. Posting here. Am I gonna shift my content somewhere else? Nah no I'm not. Nor am I reconfiguring my community to exclude you either. I'm just stopping an outflow of negativity from me. Not that you should no, no by all means go ahead. Its healthy to let it all out and sometimes, yknow sometimes, maybe someone will see and ask about how you've been. Not saying itll be me yknow but maybe itll help all the same. Its good for you, even if you have to constantly restrict my access or ability to view what you post. I mean I understand. It's difficult to post something about me when I'll see and you don't want to hurt me but you have to get it out anyways. I understand. That's kind of my definition of leaving actually haha excluding someone in particular. ... I read what I could whenever it was available. I mean I never brought it up because it felt like you needed to share it without the fear of having me see it and that's alright. Though that didn't stop me from caring enough to try everyday though. Oh well. The restrictions you put up seem to be full-proof nowadays. Or maybe I'm just unlucky. Who knows?

Much of what I posted recently have been sitting in my draft box for months actually. I'm sorry if that made you feel a little dumb. You're not I promise. You're actually rather intelligent, except for the times you form logically-flawed conclusions. You've gotten better at reading my pieces though! I mean you don't pick up a lot of things (who does?) but its much better than before when you completely missed the point. I hope itll help with Lit.

We're incompatible. I know you can't understand this right now but I hope one day you will? Idk. After all my debasing and shedding of personalities, I can sort of see it right now. It's how I hope to deal with myself in the future too.

Not all of the pieces are on you dont worry.

I have an archive similar to this one actually except I try to keep it purely love. I started it about a year back? Its a bit sad I guess but my love seems so dangerous I think its best to keep it out of reach for and from everyone.

I decided I'm not going to try and prove my pain to the world. Though you probably shouldn't copy me. It's not like I'm doing it to hurt myself. I just sort of realized I kinda wanted attention or people to recognize that hey, I'm going through some stuff too. I mean I like think my pain is much more immense and unique but I'm conceited that way. Plus, trying to prove it means I'm actualizing it further leading to a self-defeatist loop. In much of the same sense, I've decided that I'm going to stop trying to prove that I love too. Allah is sufficient for me as a witness and if not, I'm going to work towards that.

The maelstrom is worse closer to me. It basically means I kind of don't have anyone in the really friend category. 2 points that sort of make it logically unfeasible. One, the closer you are to me the more I want to be a good person to you but that also means I'll try not to drag you under the water which also means you aren't going closer to me. Hence, contradiction. Two, no one I've met can survive and I've stopped trying to prove my pain and so it is not possible for anyone to attempt a venture into the maelstrom. I'm going to clarify here. It's not that I don't have friends. I do. And they're wonderful people and so loving and caring and you are too. And I'm grateful to have all of you. It's just I've always thought someone in that category would, after I'd shared, would be able to make me feel better and still match me when I flick back into the positives. I mean, laugh together, cry together right? It would be nice I guess but I've sacrificed too many people, yourself included, to the maelstrom. I'm so very grateful to all of you. But the Maelstrom is now closed. Permanently. Don't take it personally. I have a right to choose what I want to do don't I? If you feel that I'm not a real friend to you and that I don't care enough for you to share that I guess that's your pain that you cooked up and decided to eat. I...can't seem to protect you from you.

You should know that one of my most dreaded situations is one where nobody believes that I love them and regards me in hateful/despising uncertainty. It is one of my most dreaded because I'd sometimes unconsciously work towards it. So if you mention someone that hates me or if you threaten to despise me and I don't react the way you'd think I would, it doesn't mean I don't care what you think. On the contrary, I really do. But the temptation of giving in to a scenario where all the love of the world is kept from you and stacked against you, I guess its too much.

You hurt me when you negate my love.

To the rest of you whom I've shared this blog with, hi. Not sure if you've continued reading after all this while. If you erm hate me, um its okay. Because I still care for you a lot. (I'm transitioning to care because love is a dangerous word) Yeah, you guys are still in my thoughts. Yes, even you. I know what it means to love and not be loved back perhaps the most out of all of us here, simply by quantity and at times, even quality and I choose it out of my own volition. So if you're wondering, no its not weird to talk to me after so long and yes, I do still care for you a bunch and though I largely prefer abstract conversation, if you hmu I'll try my best to pick it up from where we left off. Also, I'm sorry if I seem a bit colder than before. I just recently tried putting myself first when I need to but I'm still bad at it so don't worry too much.

Well. I guess this is it huh. A door to me closed forever. Okay haha maybe not a door maybe like a peephole. With like translucent glass. In the dark.

I'll keep all of you in my prayers InsyaAllah.

This probably won't apply to you because its you but for some of you guys it might be the last time I can actually say

Goodnight

and sweet dreams.

I have never left you.

Even if I'm never seen.