#but i dont know anymore. i dont know anything and im just feeling so lost
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its just. when i start thinking about it its already a bad sign that something terrible (me not going to the exam) is afoot. i really am just. not gonna end up going tomorrow and ill endup having to study for 4 exams in less than 2 weeks huh
#who (me) thought this was a good idea (no one did but im stupid as fuck)#i just feel terrible for not going to exams but i know that i will feel even worse by going#I DONT EVEN KNOW WHAT THEYRE GONNA ASK ON THE EXAM. i hate when that happens#i need to go prepared and know EXACTLY what theyre gonna ask#should i even try to study anymore today.......................#let me tell you guys (if yall are even reading up to this point which i wont blame you if you dont) about all of this:#i already have 2 exams: one on the afternoon of the 28th and another in the morning of the 29th#then im waiting on the grade for an exam which i took a week and a half ago. i would say i have 50/50 chances of passing that one#if i fail that one. the make-up exam is on the 7th. and the one tomorrow. the make-up exam is on the 5th#so idk if its viable or not. knowing how i usually manage exams/exam season in general i would say its NOT viable at all#but i dont know anymore. i dont know anything and im just feeling so lost#i also feel like i cant talk to anyone irl about it bc theyre just gonna think 'there she (me) goes again skipping exams' so 😭😭😭#xarraire
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bleh
#hi all. lucy here#i have barely been drawing lately because ive just been unable to#like i feel like i lost my spark. i dunno#i used to draw so much and make so many comics when i was absolute rock bottom mentally#like the funnier i was the worse i was doing#ive been better lately but i truly feel like ive almost sacrificed my ability to draw or create stuff for some more mental stability#i just....i dont know. i feel like i can't do anything i used to do with art. like im not funny or have no ideas or just think stuff like#oh ill just draw this because people will wanna see it#but i gave that up because not even i wanna see it anymore#i hope that i can feel like drawing again one day i just dont know how to get it back. it really feels like ive lost a major part of myself#this is my rambling here just to let you know i am still around just kind of laying low because im drained
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ෆ°ᡣ𐭩 . ° .
#how come that.... like idk..#i dont care abt 'the first' never had any romantic ideas abt that#but when i got these strong feelings of love i started feeling like#omg my first times could be with this person. and it'd be safe and comfortable and exciting#but now when that is gone...#it all came crashing down and now im just like#wow i dont care :(((#if it cant be with that person i feel all of this for.. then what?#what does any of it matter????#then does it matter to.. like..#i only want to be theirs. but i am not and wont be. so then it doesnt feel like anything to show or do any of it#bc it all feels empty. it feels so empty without that person i have those feelings for#idk how to describe it but like...#it feels like it doesnt matter and i dont care bc i dont feel anything for anyone else#then i just wanna like. make it *not* special. make it boring and mundane#make it not smth exciting or special or rare or a big thing#i want to dull it down and make it not a big thing bc i dont wanna feel the hurt of the specialness i am missing out on#and wont get to feel.#smth like that anyway.. im trying to make sense of it all but at the end of the day im just a lonely lost little girl#who doesnt understand anyone or anything with no one to lead me#i wanna rip the bandaid off and just show and make it not special#bc i will never get to experience that special feeling with the person i have deep feelings for#kinda like that#i just dont know what to do with all of these feelings and thoughts of a certain nature#that cant go anywhere or evolve. theyre too intense but i have to kill them somehow#bc they wont get to bloom or evolve or grow#so im trying to dull them and kill them bc they cannot live anymore#bc the possibility is gone and it's not allowed for them to continue#even if i wished they could. even if i wish... its not just up to me
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ngl gamers, I think I'm gonna inevitably lose to the hormones and depression in the near future XD
Can't bring myself to be active cause I'm using a lot of energy to not vent post all the time. But fuck it, into the tags I go!
#I want NO MESSAGES regarding this. let me just be upset and alone#you spend most of your life trying to not succumb to sick brain but honestly I don't think it's worth it in the long run#my life is for better or worse....decent. but I've lost the drive and happiness to really DO anything a long time ago. like whats the point#the only reason I havent killed myself yet is cause Im too lazy (and dont have access to a gun for a quick getaway)#and I'm saying all this DESPITE having stuff to look forward to in the near future. it's like AUGH whats the POINT IM always gonna suffer#why does mental health take such a toll on ppl. this shit sucks ass. and I still feel excited for things in the future too? somehow?#but I also really want to die so. idk man. idk. maybe if I fall in love with someone then I can be distracted but all my walls are up#what's the point in anything anymore. *I* have to take the steps to improve myself and my situation#and I'd rather die. anyways who wants to make a pact that once we reach 40 we will marry each other#that might be fun#also my brain has gotten so bad that I am literally considering joining a hiking club to get out more and I FUCKING HATE HIKING#but I should probably do something out of my comfort zone to push myself and who knows maybe I will find a new passion#but let me tell you about the anxiety - oh BOY it's starting to act up again. hahahha#ah well sometimes you just need to scream your feelings out in the tags to get a lil clarity from the brain fog#one day I will fucking die/kill myself but for now I'll just try to make the best out of. whatever the hell this stupid life is. *shrug*#(but hey if any professional hitmen are reading this. feel free to. heh. you know ;) )#also I need to get back to art#gotta do my paid work and that one pic I lined months ago. and clay stuff *continues to bed rot another week because hahahahahahaha*#ah I wish I didn't fail all those years ago. then I would be free. I wish I was free#ok goodnight I promised myself that I would do paid work when I wake up tomorrow so hopefully no more migraines -pray emoji-
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me when running away from everyone makes me end up all alone:
#i dont have any irl friends anymore theyre all gone with my old discord and its been too long to go back#i lost myself over the summer in ways i can never explain.. i dont know where i am if im being honest#drinking is worsening it all#i feel so insane.. genuinely.. i cant stop getting into my own head and letting it all happen#its just me and teddy#im too scared to leave the house for longer than a few hours anymore#i cant handle people looking at .e#me. i cant handle talking. i cant handle daily tasks of anything. even these days moving feels too hard#i keep finding myself face down floating in the river#and when i turn my body over#my face isnt rotten#it isnt bloated at all.#... its just me and i look young and like i died two minutes ago#then i snap out and im making dinner#and im someone else. somewhere else forever#im so alone but id rather it right now. no one knows how bad it is. intentionally. i never tell anyone#because what would they do?#the only thing i ever learned was to run away and hide. i cant stop thinking i need to keep doing it#i just want everyone to be rid of me so i keep running and running and running
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hmm i think i am not coping. very well
#i feel like ive hit a wall in my ability to handle anything and idk how to hold myself together anymore#i see myself spiraling terribly but i am so exhausted in every single way that i cannot bring myself to care#and it’s going to kill me one day but i cant even care abt that#july was so horrible. so so bad it’s the worst month ive had since my dad’s passing#i feel so incredibly empty and stagnant and stuck i feel like i am in a tar pit and ive been here before#but i no longer have the strength to claw myself out of it#nor the support of others (irl i love u mutuals)#i quite literally only have my brother at this point and with how physically abusive he can become it’s not like that’s a relationship i#truly feel supported and safe in but it’s all i have#ive always been isolated severely by my family + the Issues have always made socialization so exhausting#i feel like im just floating and no one knows me nor cares bc how can they. i either just push people away to avoid getting hurt or i dont e#even try. and when i want to it’s a task so daunting and draining#i don’t have it in me despite knowing the lack of human connection is absolutely destroying me and ripping me to shreds#despite knowing a community of some kind would help#but i also feel like i offer fucking nothing and am worthless so would i even accept the help given to me. probably not#i wish i wasnt so intense of a person in every single way. and yet i will never be enough either#i feel like ive been clinging and digging my claws into my sanity that was not really present in the first place#ive been put through so much i couldnt cope with so repeatedly and so young i think by the time i wqs 10 i had already hit a wall but you#cant just stop living so it’s only compounded on top of that#it feels unhealable it feels like just part of me now.#i see a complete absence of a future for myself and i have no one to stay alive for anymore#not my parents not my pets not my friends and i dont know how to stay alive for myself bc it’s not something ive ever wanted#idk anymore. ive never felt so utterly lost and alone and broken lmao.#no wonder this relapse has been so all-consuming#dlt ltr
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I SHOULD HAVE GONE INTO RADIOOOOOOOO
#the only benefit of art school is MY FRIENDS!!! maybe i would be better at art now if i hadnt gone bc i could have kept it as a hobby...#but i do love everything i have learned. i really do. unfortunately i think more than anything i am just bad at existing and doing things#i used to be able to do things. in high school. existing i still wasnt good at doing that there either. but at least i did things on my own#and at the time felt i was good at them. now im just bad at existing and doing things and do nothing worthwhile that i love anymore#oh it sucks to have this realization every other day. to just know you are very bad at what you wanted to do so badly. and just feel like#all you can do is give up on it. i know i shouldnt. but it's very hard not to want to. when you see everyone else around you getting better#and still doing art on their own time. and you see your own stuff and realize you have gotten worse. dont progress. and cant even do it as#hobby anymore. when you see how far behind you are from everyone else and see how your work has lost confidence it just sucks badly. yknow#i wish my brain worked better desperately bc i do think that is part of it. but im just lazy. and bad at this. and have no drive for anythi#im not very good at any of this overall. and it makes me sad. im the only thing in my way of what i want but i dont know how to move forwar#oh well. one day something better will come my way if im lucky. if i do better. one day i'll do better. i hope. i really really hope.#static.soundz#vent.txt#SORRY i got whiney and self pitying in my tags even though i said i wouldnt well unfortunately I Am Not Strong and need to make posts#bc this is my diary where i say everything ever good and bad beneficial and detrimental bc what else should i be doing with this blog huh
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.
#tag rambles#to be clear i'm 1000% here for aro positivity and excitement‚ i love that for us#but also! kinda fucking hate being arospec most of the time!!#just frustrating every goddam day#I want to like people! I so‚ badly want to fall in love again! I just. can't#I wish so badly that I could do casual‚ it would make my life so much easier‚ but I just cant fucking do it#“tis better to have loved and lost than never have loved at all” and all that. but#is it better to know that it /can/ happen but never does than to just believe it was never possible to begin with#i know bitching about love life on the internet is kind of a lame shitty move#especially when people i've hit on etc. are still around here#hi. I'm sorry#ive ruined a lot of friendships for no reason by being desperate to feel literally anything#im still desperate but at least there's no one left around to ruin#anyways. i dont know where i was going with this#i deleted my old vent blog so i don't really whine about things as much anymore
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tell me your failed/embarrassing flirting stories to make me feel better, i’ll go first: today i said “get out of my way” forgot to say “i’m kidding” then immediately said “bye”
#it is awful having feelings for someone you know and have an established friendship with#but crushing on someone i barely know is knew to me and i legit feel like an idiot every time i do something stupid like this#i can’t just. talk to the guy#if i say hey and he says sup i say ‘sup indeed’ like what the fuck is that#i can barely even say hello to him#don’t get me wrong i’ve DONE it but most days i’m like#ah fuck there he is#okay you can do it just say hi#just say what’s up#and then he’s already gone#also. like. the setting we’re in is soooo not good for talking or flirting realt because um. it’s work he’s my coworker.. so um. do i fuckin#ask him for his number?? or to hang out??? but like. he’s kind of a stranger to me what do i want to hang out for 🧍#but like. i dont want to do that until i have at least one successful interaction#or like. an actual conversation.#which is gonna be really hard to manage because he doesn’t talk much at all to anyone and i really only talk if someone talks to me first or#i’ll say something absolutely idiotic and ridiculous (and honestly i do that no matter what)#anyway so um. i guess i’m just gonna keep making a fool of myself until i get it right and hopefully i don’t screw it up 🥴#i lost all my confidence in the last year and i cant do anything chill or smooth anymore (i was never that good in the first place but at#least i could PRETEND i knew what i was doing. like i could sell it. the whole weird and lost bit.)#anyway. i felt better for like 5 minutes when some guy at the gas station flirt failed with me on the way home. but that’s partly my fault#too oops. in his defense he probably could not see that i had headphones on bc upon mirror inspection they were well blended with my hair#but i was waiting to cross the street and this guy tried to like nod and smile and i did not know it was to me until i got to the other side#where the gas station was and and like. tried again and i awkward half smiled and saw his face get all mushy and confused like mine FELT 20#mins before when i’d flopped so hard trying to flirt and by the time i’d processed WAIT i think he was FLIRTING WITH ME i was already gone 🤡#but at least it ended better than the poor 14yo who very confidently asked for my number#who. i shit you not. SCREECHED for a solid 44.5 seconds and bolted the other direction when i said sorry im 21#his friends were standing there like wtf too and one was like i am so sorry about him 🤦#cheers to being fools universe
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man. i changed so much these past years
#im different from last years me who was different from 2021 me who was different from 2020 me and so on and so forth#it feels kinda weird thinking about it bc i went through *so much stuff*#all of it in just the past 4 years... insane#i found out i was trans. i went on lockdown. i started posting my art online. i made online friends.#i went through three different relationships. every single one of them changed me forever.#i started writing. i finished middle school. i read homestuck. i used discord everyday for 2 years.#i found my personal sense of style. i started going tk school again. i made friends irl. i lost all the online friends i had.#(thay wasnt bc of any scandal i just left the friendgroup and then started to slowly interact more with ppl irl#whi sorta made my online interactions dwindle especially one-on-one interactions#i think i feel better like this go be honest with you. the connections feel stronger and i feel closer to the friends ive made#not saying i dont like the people i know and befriended here just saying that not being chronically online anymore really changed how i#go through with internet interactions)#damn. really feeling the passage of time now.#also this is not a sad reminiscent post im *really* glad im in the place i am in life right now#i have a qpp i have an irl friendgrouo that i feel 100% comfortable with for the first time in my life im doing ok at school#i have a vision for my future my relationship with my parents is sooo much better#idk man. compare that with 14 year old me eating alone at school bc i was too scared to talk with the other people on my class and like.#yeah man. im doing a lot better#i DO have to update my art blog though. its been too long sincd i posted anything#talk
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i feel like everybody hates me, but especially those who i look up to...i feel like a little kid again...looking up to those who only look down upon me, instead of picking me up and embracing me.
#i just feel like nobody fucking likes me...like everybody secretly hates me and are actively trying to make me feel bad about myself#like i know that probably isnt true...but its the only thing that make sense#like no matter what i do everybody seems to leave me alone in my own little bubble...#everybody has their little groups with their little friends...but i dont...im the one who is a small member of multiple groups...#and that gets me left in the fucking dust#i just want to belong somewhere...i change and adapt to hopefully become a part of some group but it never works#i just want someone to hold me and tell me itll be ok...and that people dont actually hate me...#ykw if you fucking hate me you can tell me anons are on...i just wanna know im not the crazy one here...#im just trying to fit it so much that ive lost myself...who am i and who is what ive become?#i try and be friendly...and hope that i get accepted somewhere but they never really care...#im like the last kitten left in the cardboard box...all the others were cuter and healthier and now nobody wants me#nobody wanted me from the start...and now im all alone#idfk#i would do anything for a hug rn#since january shit has been going downhill...died...moved...gone...and then i had some people who cared and then it all fell apart again...#i just want to belong somewhere ffs...i want to be able to have friends...not just people who tolerate me...#i would rather have one friend that 10 people who tolerate me#idfk...im going to go eat ice cream until i cant feel any emotions anymore...#if i wasnt a pussy i would be stealing my parents alcohol...they already dont like when i eat...#or maybe i shouldnt eat...then maybe someone would love me...idfk...i just want to feel loved and secure and like i fucking belong
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hm.
#eli.txt#i think the reason i feel so shit over The Whole Deal is like. god. i just miss talking to them.#sometimes it felt like they were the only person who cared about what i had to say. they were the easiest person to talk to in my life.#and like. basically overnight. they were so distant for what i thought was no reason. and they did not care about me anymore.#i know they were justified in acting that way and its not like they suddenly hate me and dont care about me but god.#thats what it feels like. thats what it fucking feels like!!!!#i didnt just lose my boyfriend i lost one of my best friends and it fucking sucks. it feels like no one is going to put up with me anymore.#idk i dont feel nearly as comfortable talking to Anyone anymore. because when am i gonna know i made a mistake.#how am i gonna know i made a mistake and they suddenly think i hate them and it leads to something like this. how am i gonna know.#and like!! it looks To Me like their life got so much better without me being an active part of it. and i feel like i have just gotten worse#AND THEY WONT FUCKING TALK TO ME! I KEEP TRYING TO MAKE CONVERSATION AND THEY DONT TALK TO ME! AND LIKE.#I KNOW I FUCKED UP BUT IM FUCKING TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR IT CAN YOU PLEASE JUST LET ME TRY. TALK TO ME. I MISS YOU.#I LOVE YOU. NOT IN THAT SENSE ANYMORE BUT I STILL CARE FOR YOU. YOURE MY FRIEND. FUCKING TALK TO ME.#I KNOW NO AMOUNT OF SAYING IM SORRY CAN FIX IT BUT IM TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR IT. PLEASE JUST DONT IGNORE ME LIKE THAT.#god i just feel like maybe i meant nothing. maybe theyve just already moved on entirely and i was never anything.#maybe im the only one who still hurts. yknow. i dont think they care about me anymore.#which i could fucking deal with if they just said that instead of flat out ignoring me.#god i just feel like shit. what if i keep fucking up the same way what if i lose everyone the same way and in the end im alone.#i would probably deserve it. if i keep messing up this bad maybe i deserve to be alone.#i know thats not true. but i feel really bad right now. im not thinking.#no one is going to put up with me the way they did. they already dont.#god. im so tired. i wish they would fucking talk to me.
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hmmmmmmm i wanna cry
#gonna vent !#i'm havinf a crisis i think#1 my ADD is getting so much worse#2 i gained like 10 lbs during my internship#3 i cant focus on anything anymore#4 i wanna sell all my le sserafim photocards worth over $800 usd#and so on and so on#i just feel so lost#im in d middle of writing my report n i just cant be assed to do so#n i feel a lot dumber#like intellectually .... im not smart at all#i just dont know what to do anymore like i dont feel passionate abt anything anymore and i hate it#oh also i feel like im going through another psychotic break for Reasons i dont wanna disclose#i feel LOSTTTT#i cant put anything into words coz i dont know how i feel i dont know anything !!!!!!!!!!!#these past few months have been so ??????? i feel like i was floating the entire time#august hasnt been good to me so far . sad#oh also im not friends with anyone from my uni anymore ! no reason we just drifted apart n#or idk maybe i did something wrong#i wanna scream into a void . or maybe i wanna get sucked into a void n just disappear
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#WHY DOES IT ALL HAVE TO BE SO MUCH#i don't usually get like this. im usually a kind of person that just lets stuff happen around me and not care a lot in terms of like social#behavior and relationships#you meet people. sometimes they go#that's how it is#there's people that we just drifted away or they vanished and it wasn't hard feelings#and normally i get over it. i miss them alot but it doesnt hit me this hard#and the thing is i haven't even lost anyone#it's just ive been so angry and low energy and pissed off by everything all the time that ive been distancing myself#and even when im not like that.. im just tired. my brain is clouded i just don't have anything to say#i want to say something but there isnt anything#so i havent been talking to a lot of people#and im like really afraid by the time im done working over whatever this is. that people will have found more other people they#prefer to talk to more or are closer with or we just find out its been too long and we dont have anything in common anymore#because i know ive been away from my friends more and more of late of late ive barely talked to anyone at all beyond 1-2 message exchanges#sometimes not at all .this isn't abnormal#but i happen to the kind of person who crumples if i don't get some kind of interaction daily#so as much as im empty-headed and angry and bad at conversation i need to be around people constantly#at the end of the day i don't have anything going on outside of drawing and talking to friends. i have nowhere to be in real life#i cant go anywhere. i don't know anyone and i hate my family#i don't know. im scared and lonely and it feels like i can be kind of a nothing person to talk to#dib noise#some of this is problems with myself which i do work on and i work on them hard. i don't want to be like that#i'm bad at meeting people too. i don't like taking risks or new things its all so much#I SHOULD CLARIFY. i am happy for poeple i am close to when they meet new people. i love hearing about them#and meeting them. i just have a horrible fear of being replaced or forgotten
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everything is perfect and everything is horrible
#on the one hand#im nearing the end of the term and my event yesterday went really fuckign well and i dont want for anything#and i got to spend the entire day more or less chilling#but on the other hand#i missed my fucking haircut becuase i couldnt find parking and i tried to loop back and i STILL couldnt find parking and i#eventually got home but i was driving for AN HOUR AND A HALF for NO FUCKING REASON#and i still cant reach roz and its been three and a half months and i think i missed another appointment earlier today#and i havent been able to do my therapy homework#and i have ACTUAL homewokr i have to do tonight but i literally cant think#and i just tried to put on these cute press-on nails i bought but they were STILL TOO SMALL#even though i sized up from my last order#and now ive blown 45 bucks on nails i cant wear#and my room is a fucking mess and ive lost my home in minecraft and i cant figure out how the new commands work#so i cant fucking teleport home#and yeah that minor but its fucking annoying#and i just feel fucking sick#mentally that is#and i know the first step in the idiots guide to not wanting to die anymore is not saying 'i wanna die'#but sometimes i fuckign do and it feels worse honestly to try to ignore that instead of dealing with it#and not in an actively suicidal way just in a. fuck this shit sucks and i need OUT#sui tw#whatever the fuck#vent#negative
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i really dont think i actually deserved all that bullshit. the internets traumatized me now at this point and literally no ones gonna care unless my abuser is honest and its so fucking exhausting.
#at this point its my mantra that yall only care about believing the victim you like. if two ppl are accusing eachother you're going#to pick the person you like more. that just seems to be the situation. and its so fucking dumb#all these ppl who call themselves progressive who do this are so fucking dumb#you only want to believe the victim you like and i just dont understand why you're willing to throw me in the trash over a lie#not even CONSIDERING it could be me at all. nah. bc if you had to consider that you'd probably just have to feel guilty for the way you#treated me#but lord knows hardly anyone on this website ever likes to admit they did anything wrong bc they found their safe haven where they can#be an eternal victim and they dont want to lose that#i genuinely think yall are the worst people to walk this earth and you provide literally 0 benefit for anyone else#i have no idea what possesses you to think its okay to treat me this way like at all#how are you so sure. how do you believe them so storngly that you can have this reaction to me#and why do you think its fine#to the person reading this going 'omg hes so dramatic 🙄' i dont think you under fucking stand#humans aren't supposed to have THIS much criticism. our brain isn't used to having criticism from like 200 people like this.#ive lost friend and followers over this situation.i saw someone i thought of as a friend shit talking me on a different site#friends*#theres people irl who wont talk to me anymore#i dont think you understand what that does to someones psyche#imagine you were sent to prison for some shit you didnt do. you might in your heart know you're innocent. but the fact that you're#in prison makes you second guess yourself. and im tired of living by tumblrs rule of law since people on here dont even have#the basic human decency to give due process.#theres fucking people online who accuse me of shit i didnt do or dont believe in all the time on here now and i dont think they#wouldve done it so hardcore had my ex decided to be honest from the get-go#it feels like they know deep down theyre lying so theyre trying to find or even make up more reasons to keep believing im bad#like im sorry i had a messy past and im upset not enough ppl care about trans men#i have no idea how that warrants this response though#and im not like??? bad politically??? like at all??#like when ppl try to find reasons im bad its either disingenuous. a common misconception. things taken out of context.#someone just simply refusing to see my point or perspective in any capacity.#ot its something from my past but even as far as my past goes ppl are extremely hyperbolic about it. i wasnt a fuckin nazi or something
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