#if i fail that one. the make-up exam is on the 7th. and the one tomorrow. the make-up exam is on the 5th

[minglana]

its just. when i start thinking about it its already a bad sign that something terrible (me not going to the exam) is afoot. i really am just. not gonna end up going tomorrow and ill endup having to study for 4 exams in less than 2 weeks huh

[firefly--bright]

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ 𝐝𝐮𝐬𝐤 𝐭𝐨 𝐝𝐚𝐰𝐧!

jean kirstein x fem!reader, modern smau.

⁀➷ introducing ; apartment 201 !

⁀➷ jean boy!

has vinyls stacked up against a wall.

proud plant dad (after many failed attempts at it)

went to one (1) tame Impala concert and made it his entire personality for two whole years.

an "old soul" is what he likes to call himself, but in all reality he likes to grumble alot. regardless, after his friends make their way into his heart, there's no getting out. he's not the best at uttering his words out loud in a way that makes sense, but his love is ever-present. its everywhere until you're covered with it, littered in the ground and in the laundry that he complains about, in the takeout he buys, in the little lamp he keeps on so that Connie doesn't hurt himself when he reaches home late.

⁀➷ constance springer!

has a meme account on Instagram that he takes way too seriously

"I'm a...niche mirco celebrity.. influencer. i want free nachos in this fine establishment."

second year set and film design major in University of Paradis

chronically online but not in a creepy way, he swears

almost failed 8th grade because he "forgot" about the exams

self-proclaimed aux guy in every road trip. despite all his jokes, it's easy to love him. he's light of the party, and even if he's not the smartest academically, he's smart emotionally and offers surprisingly good advice, and will always be determined to put a smile on everyone's faces despite any adversity.

⁀➷ sasha braus!

won a hot dog eating competition in 7th grade against grown adults. the trophy rests in her closet at all times.

if Connie is the life of the party, she's the encore.

hoards twice posters and photocards. she made Connie, marco and jean listen to it and now they're hooked onto it too, although not as much as her

doesn't know how to spell, barely uses any punctuations ever

once she starts talking, it's really hard for her to stop. but even during her rants, youd find her making a note of anything and everything. nothing can escape her watchful eye, and she'd offer you a helping hand even if her own hand was chopped off. lives and breathes in the kitchen and believes that the kitchen is the heart of the home. her love is radiant and within your grasp at all times, not leaving, always patient.

⁀➷ marco bodt!

has a dog (golden retriever) named polo. if it wasn't obvious.

has always loved and been surrounded by animals. doesn't like crowds but he loves hustle bustle because it feels like home to him

coffee addict

dad friend. always has bandaids, aspirin, and gum in his pocket.

his glasses are always smudged with fingerprints, jean has to remind him to clean them

very intuitive. knows other people's emotions and behaviours probably more than he knows his own. loves his friends in the deepest and purest form, his comfort lies in spending a night in with them. his love is like when your favourite song comes on in an unexpected setting - you didn't know you needed it but it would put a smile on your face nonetheless.

ˏˋ°•*⁀➷ previous episode! (introducing; the homeless) ➷ next episode ; pilot!

⁀➷ fic playlist ➷ fic visuals

⁀➷ series masterlist ➷ main masterlist ➷ enter my taglist!

⁀➷ taglist ; @mrsnobodynobody , @holding-infinity-and-a-book , @hopeless-anti-romantic , @cherrypieyourface , @jeanscremebrulee

line dividers by @peachesofteal

[maribeilschmidt]

tercermundista argentlaia au

below the argentina tercer mundo au

Edit because i got more ideas and mai friend say I should stop thinking in spanish that im not making italy drunken if not almost dead

he goes to a public argentina school (in the interior of Argentina to make it worse 😊😊) Thats why he use that ugly uniform, ARE WE MAIDS OR SERVANTS OR WHATEVER, LITTERALY ALL PUBLIC UNIFORMS LOOKS LIKE THAT

He wanted to choose arts or social studies as a modality in 8th grade but he didnt pass all the assignments and there were no vacancies in arts n social studies, so he had to chose natural sciences/stem with the nerds (Germany n japan)

He almost had to repeat the year, but Germany taught him EVERYTHING by February, but the stupif idiot failed PE and he has to re-take the exam in June

On the first day (aka UPD in arg) of his senior year he got like 2 liters of alcohol on his blood, but he went to school to attend to see Germany and Japan as flag bearers

He will go drunken and say stupid things all day with Germany just wanting to shut up, prob fell asleep at last course and Germanay will take his home

If germany and italy were dating at that time that night italy would have cheated on him like more than 6 TIMES

Also his BRC would say he doesnt care abt cheating in Bariloche lmao

He wears pajamas and wears Crocs in the summer, it's surprising that no one has told him anything about his clothing

IN THE 7TH GRADE THEIR CLASS ANTHEM WAS THE MAROLIO COMMERCIAL, AND THEY SANG IT AT RECESS

Plz Germany wanted to go to a boys polytechnic school but They thought he would end up gay and there was no money so they sent him to a public school

[beansmack2021]

Golden Era w/ Prompt 4

Reader has very strict parents, and a big exam coming up in Potions. She tries to fight off sleep for too long, and when her boys find out, they aren't too pleased.

"How long has it been since you've slept?"

Potions with Professor Severus Snape was one of those classes that you could either excel or fail miserably in. Y/N refused to accept the latter as her fate (her parents also refused), so of course, she'd studied as much as possible. She'd stayed in the Potions room later than anyone else, asking all sorts of questions and jotting down whatever Professor Snape had to say.

While Snape would never admit it, he later told Professor McGonagall that he was impressed with young Miss L/N. He'd never seen a student so dedicated to getting a good grade in his class, especially one from his own house. Hermione Granger, of course, did everything in her power to maintain academic excellence, but even she didn't spend hours a week in his classroom when she could be spending time with her housemates in the common rooms.

When Snape eventually announced that there would be an exam in his class in three days, though she probably knew every ingredient to every potion they'd need to learn about until 7th Year, Y/N felt dread seeping into her. "Guess I'll just have to study more."

"Study more? You've been cramming everything in that head of yours since day one. What else is there to take in? Why don't you just take a break?" Theodore mocked her, but he knew that if her parents received a letter indicating that she'd gotten a grade in any class lower than an A-, they'd lose their minds and revoke all of her privileges.

This included playing as Slytherin's Seeker in Quidditch. She'd managed to beat out Malfoy at try-outs, and while he wasn't pleased with being moved from the position that could get him the most glory, he was satisfied with his replacement. She was fast, had a good eye, and was willing to take big risks to win the game for Slytherin.

"I could take a break, and then I could fail the exam on Thursday and possibly the entire class and then Slytherin will be left without a Seeker. I'm not sure how well the rest of our house would like that, though."

"Not very. But if you don't take any time to rest, how are going to be ready for Quidditch or the exam?" Blaize made a good point, but Y/N was very stubborn when it came to schooling and sports. Mattheo tried to slowly pull her books away, but she snatched them back and opened to the page she'd left off on.

"I can rest after I pass Snape's class." Mattheo and Draco exchanged a look, and Enzo cleared his throat.

"Just make sure you aren't overexerting yourself, Y/N/N. We worry about you."

As it turned out, they'd had every right to be worried about her. Enzo and Theodore caught Y/N zoning out several times in a conversation, grabbing her attention briefly before she just started staring at nothing again. Mattheo made a mental note every time she seemed relaxed and then jumped whenever someone said her name.

It was the most obvious that something was wrong during Quidditch practice. Draco and Blaize both kept a close eye on her, already worried about the state she was in. She was narrowly dodging every bludger sent her way, and Draco noticed that she kept rubbing her eyes, like she couldn't see properly.

They'd each shouted her name to get her to dodge the heavy ball hurtling toward her several times, and even with their warning, she moved very lathargically. "Y/N, what the hell are you doing? Move!"

Blaize flew over to her on his broom. "If you're not well, you shouldn't be practicing."

"I'm fine. I'm just... trying to find the Snitch." She was so obviously trying to seem more alert than she was, but he knew better than to argue with her.

"If you're not well, you need to stop." It wasn't necessarily him telling her that she needed to stop right at that moment. He was just gently reminding her that she could take a moment or leave if she had to. She nodded and smiled weakly, and he shook his head as he flew back up to the goalpost.

Y/N knew she needed to snap out of it, and fast. If she could just find that damn... snitch!

She darted to the ground, a glint of gold having caught her eye, and for a moment she was herself again. The moment was short-lived, as her vision blurred and she barreled into the ground, skidding through the mud. She blinked, but couldn't see any more clearly, and she heard several pairs of boots clunking as they landed, followed by the squelching sound of those boots running toward her and Blaize and Draco calling her name.

She felt her upper half being lifted from the ground, and she tried to blink harder to see better. She couldn't make out the face directly in front of her, but she assumed it was Draco, since Blaize's voice was just a bit further away.

"Alright everyone, it's looking like we're done for the day. Hit the tubs, game's in two days, rest up tomorrow." Blaize definitely targeted her with that last bit, but she was too tired to care. She was lifted into the air effortlessly, feeling completely weightless as she was carried back to the Slytherin common room.

Mattheo saw them first, jumping over the back of the couch to get to them quicker. "What happened to her? Is she okay?" Y/N groaned, she'd forgotten one key factor in all of this. The other three.

"If you think falling asleep on her broom is okay," Draco sneered. Y/N didn't have to see Mattheo, Theo or Enzo to feel their gazes burning into her. She was carried further into the room and laid down on the couch, a throw pillow propping her head up. After a moment of silence, Mattheo surprises her with his gentle tone.

"How long has it been since you've slept, dollface?"

Y/N tries to do some mental math and ends up just giving a rough estimate.

"Like 36 hours? I don't know. I wasn't gonna let it get past 48." Theodore scoffed. "It shouldn't have gotten past 20, at the very most."

She felt like a little kid, her parents scolding her, telling her that if she couldn't go to sleep at a reasonable hour, she wouldn't be allowed to do anything the next day, because she'd simply be too tired. "I'm sorry." Her voice is soft, quivering and at least two of the boys sigh.

"You need some rest, Y/N/N. Go to sleep, please. You're going to ace the Potions exam, with or without any more studying, so don't make yourself sick over it." Enzo had always been the quickest to make it known that they weren't mad at her, just concerned. Y/N mumbles something unintelligible before she fell asleep, their soft murmuring her own personal lullaby of sorts. Maybe they were right. Maybe she needed some sleep.

[bolton-buried]

File number 0240818-C

Statement of Harold Holt, regarding death, voices, and another universe. Statement begins.

This is so exciting. I’ve never given a statement before.

Y’know. Where I’m from there ain’t even a Magnus institute here. True facts. The Magnus Flock goes around, swarming after anything paranormal in a voyeuristic flurry, but they haven’t got a set base like y’all’s. Right, yeah yeah. Getting to it.

I suppose to y’all my universe looks backwards. But to me it’s y’all who’re bizarro world. We’re almost identical, but you’ve got all your fears mixed up to the wrong people.

I serve the Coming End That Waits For All And Cannot Be Avoided. But the Harold here serves Forever Deep Below Creation. He threw me out of the apartment the other day. You’ve gotta’ve fucked up real bad to—Wait. Home universe.

Right, yeah. So. My first memory is a family funeral. I looked into the coffin where some uncle or cousin was lain, and it connected for me. That one day that’d be me lying there. And you. And everyone else would find themselves lying there, and they’d never be again.

Childhood was a blur. I’ve been told I was a glum child. But I’ve also heard I was filled with a zest for living. Like my knowledge that it would end was a reminder that it, at that point, was.

Pa died when I was 8 or so—hunting trip to Spain—then my ma moved me back to America, where she took all o’ three years to fall to the Lightless Flame. Went mad, and tried to kill me. So I ran to the first place I thought of. Which was, as it would be for any child my age, the city morgue.

I put my self on one of those slats for corpses, the ones that wheel out, and I waited. And waited. And waited.

I don’t right know what I was waiting for, but it wasn’t to start hearing whispers. I took a while to start making out the words, but I got there eventually.

“I, Penelope Dorris, died at 9:32 on August 7th, 2011, when an accidental overdose on my own medication induced a heart attack. I was unable to reach my phone, and no one was in my home to help me…”

And then another talking over it.

“I, Grant Hugh, died at 17:51 on August 6th, 2011, when I choked on…”

And another. And another.

“I, Lance Cater, died at 0:13 on August 8th…” “I, Wilfred McIntyre died at 7:24…” “I, Meredith Ford, died…”

It was the bodies around me. Whispering the tales of their deaths. I tried to get out, but for several obvious reasons that don’t occur to 12-year olds, they only latch from the outside.

So I was there until morning, listening to the whispered echos of deaths until one of the doors was opened and I shouted for help.

My mom had been arrested, I learned. A family friend took me in. Then the story gets boring.

I move to London for college, major in philosophy. My “gifts” slowly spread from just the dead, to any person whose voice I hear. With my philosophy major, I naturally started working as a janitor at Hilltop Hospital, a temple to the Coming End. I would help protect it from invading powers. Yeah, I can’t do much aggressively, but nobody truly wants to die. And as a savant of my patron, I’m one of the few who can make that happen. At least in their minds.

A month or so ago I went to the basement there. And a crack opened up in the floor, which a spider leg reached through. It pulled me here, into this wrong world.

Harold—your Harold, Bolton—is mad at me because I knew how his friend would die, and I did nothing to stop it.

I can’t do anything to stop or change the deaths I hear. They’re final. A promise from the Coming End itself that this will be it, the moment you will cease to be.

I learned that the first time a living person told me their death. My college roommate.

“I, Matthew Kelsing, will die at 18:04 on May 12th, 2022, when I willingly strangle myself with a belt against the doorknob after learning that I failed an exam that my continued scholarship hinged on…” I’ll spare you the details.

I asked what he said, and he said it again. And again. And again. And I left.

I texted him to ask if everything was okay. He’d die tomorrow. He said so out loud, for fucks sake! He said he was fine.

I tried what I could. I stole the mail key and the router so that he wouldn’t be able to find out the exam score. Tossed all of my belts and his in the trunk of my car and drove it to the edge of town. I wanted to be back by 18:00. Just in case anyway. I hit traffic, and got home ten minutes late. He was dead, having taken the belt out of his pants.

There is no stopping the Coming End. I learned it the hard way. But that’s the way everyone learns it, ain’t it?

Statement ends.

[that-fandom-writer]

@my-shields-are-down asked about The Rookie timeline I was creating this is what I got lol

The Rookie Rewatch

@MANDY_rieger on twitter has been helping me with a few things I forgot to add in originally

so I am doing a rewatch of The Rookie while we are in a hiatus and I am tweeting about it while I am at it lol. I am also trying to make sense of the Timeline lol so this post is gonna be me tracking the time line the best i can lol

s1ep1 - Two days

s1ep2 - based on the beginning of the episode I think it is still the first week of training

is s1ep5 is a month

s1ep7 is 2 months in

S1ep11 is 4 months in. Nolan said “4 months together” to Bishop

S1ep12 is Valentines day so Feb 14th.

Would that mean that they started in october?

s1ep14 is 100 days in because that is plain clothes day

S1ep16 is march 19-march 20th, Capt Anderson died MArch 20th 2019

S1ep19 is about 6 months because they have their 6 month exam.

Also in s1ep19 during Talia’s meeting the IA officer said “this past october you failed to secure your vehicle”. Which means that the episode where the one dude takes selfies in the shop is in October, (s1ep3)

So season 1 is officially 6 months.

I CAN'T with this shit lol.

Ok so the opening scene of s2ep1 starts with everyone getting to the hospital, and it picks up right where it left off, but like legit the next scene is at Nolans new place with Jess and they were talking about the shooting the night of the quarantine and she says something about 2 weeks, then the next scene is TIm’s return to work. So like I’m assuming we’re at about 6 and half months now? Lol

S2ep2 - still at about 6 months. Grace and Nolan ran into each other again for the first time in years, and Grace asked Nolan how long he’s been a cop and he says 6 months.

S2ep3-s2ep4 Is 2 weeks. Rachel tells Lucy him and Rachel have been dating 2 weeks.

S2ep6- Wopez have been together for 5 months

S2ep6 They graduated the Academy sometime in September

s2ep6 - the dui they are discussing was March 16th.

S2ep7 Jackson is 26

S2ep8 as of this episode Tim has been a cop for 12 years

S2ep10- this episode is Dec 7th 2019, as well as dec 8th 2019

S2ep11 is dec 9th and 10th

Which means we are already at 14 months which is the most broken thing in this time line lol.

S2ep18 one year into being a Rookie. And they have 1 month. So they are at 12 months, but they hit 14 months already soooo this timeline is too broken lol hahahahahaha

S3ep1 picks up where s2 left off. Also we find out Angela is pregnant

S3ep2 Tim says Lucy has 25 days left of training

S3ep4 Nolan has said a dozen times this episode that he is 46

S3ep5 Tim says Jackson is 24. But when Tim and Jackson went to the football thing Jackson said he was 26 🤔😆

S3ep7 the missile threat was June 3rd 2019

S3ep9 is suppose to be 13 months but I mean come on now 😂 Angela says she's 14 weeks pregnant

S3ep10 is the first day of Lucy and Jackson as P2-which means it’s *suppose* to be 13 total

S3ep14 when Lopez is in guatemala the nurse says she is 29 weeks pregnant.

S4ep1 is suppose to 14 months because Nolan is at the end of is rookie period

By the end of the of the episode there is a 3 month time jump

S4ep5 is Halloween- pretty sure it suppose to be of 2020 technically as it is AFTER dod which was dec of 2019

[sungvis]

Taste

Lee Felix x afab! Reader

Contains; fluff,smut,angst

Story; fluff & angst

Proof read?; Nope

Next chapter

9:45 Am

"Felix, do you have the same class as me which is math or a different one?" You and Felix were best friends ever since 7th grade, Felix had the biggest crush on you you made his flutter every time he was around you, and of course you gave him butterflies. "Felix..hello?" Waving your hand In front of Felix wasn't anything, once you stopped to put your hand against your body he snapped out of it "huh"Felix mumbled, his eyes moved to eyes to your lips but before you say anything about it he quickly looked back at your face "...Felix are you okay?" "Yea uh..just tired" you knew Felix was just coming up with excuses but you didn't really care...for now at least. "Let's go to class, wait do you have math lix?" "Yea I do" Felix answered with a plain tone, "okay let's go now" when you grabbed Felix's hand Felix felt really nervous he used to hold your hand a lot when you guys were younger but for some reason he never felt that way.

You were now sitting at your desk with your hair down waiting for the teacher you felt eyes on you (Felix) but you just ignored it. A few minutes later the teacher came, she dropped her books on her table to talk after "Okay class, we are gonna do math in our math books!" Once she said that everyone groaned in disappointment "now now everyone, we have an exam coming up soon and if you don't wanna learn and you fail it's your fault!" The teacher explained ” everyone get a partner!" Everyone started to get their partners except for you and Felix until some girl came up to Felix you lifted your head to see that girl was liea (a random character) she had a "little" crush on Felix you hated her she used you only to get closer to Felix, you didn't really like Felix like he was your crush..I mean you actually had a tiny crush on him "lixiee~ wanna be partners?" She put her hand on his shoulder making him jump a bit as he looked at liea "sorry bu-" before Felix could finish his sent the teacher interrupted him "y/n, liea, and Felix, you guys can be in a group because everyone is taken and I don't want y/n to be alone!" Liea rolled her eyes as you walked up to Felix's desk "let's just start" Felix said while pulling out the chair for you to sit down as he ignored liea's chair "thank you lix" you say smiling at Felix "welcome" Felix said back liea sat down acting like a 1 year old and to be honest about liea she's a pick me when it comes to Felix.

"lixie can you hang out with mee?" Liea is always desperate to talk to Felix but when it comes to you shes always rude but you never say anything about it "sorry but I'm gonna hang out with y/n today" "Felix come on you can dump her!" You were so irritated by her you didn't know what to do "Liea can't you just leave Felix alone for once it's not that hard if wants to hang out with me let him because he obviously doesn't want you to hang out with him so just stop and leave. him. alone." "Damn who hurt you y/n" "you obviously!" Liea stayed quiet looking at you she never did that she always had a comeback but they were bad comebacks not gonna lie "y/n it's okay" Felix grabs your hand comforting you. The bell rings which caused everyone sighing in relief, all of you guys had to do three pages of math + math textbooks it was boring and frustrating since you guys are in college work was harder then you thought "come on n/n let's go" Felix dragged you outside the classroom " you okay? " "Yea lix I'm okay it's just she gets on my nerves''.

8:22 Pm

"n/n, Are you awake?" You were taking a nap peacefully , the tv shining on the wall and the bed, Felix poked your cheek until he realized how pretty you looked sleeping. You woke up to Felix Infront of you "oh, hey lix" you said slowly opening your eyes"oh hi y/n uhh, I was wondering if you would like a brownie I just baked them" he offered you "of course lix I'm in the mood for a brownie actually" You were half asleep but more awake then sleep if you know what I mean "okay be right back" Felix left the room to bring you a brownie, you stretched to feel more awake? You sat up as Felix came back, Felix gave you the brownies and you just ate it "thanks lix" "no problem" Felix exists the room to go to his room, Felixs grabs his notebook to write

"should I confess?"

A/n; sorry it's kinda short but I might make the other one longer but hope you enjoyed it!

[yizuuh]

A Short CNF Story: Where Buried Dreams Go

Alternate Title: How Childless I've Become Until I Dreamt

As a child, life was easy. It was all about eating, sleeping, and playing. The same pattern appeared every day. I could've dreamt of everything I wanted to be.

I used to dream of being a singer when I was 5. I'd sing all day, even to the point where my parents would be annoyed at how loud I was being. I asked for a piano for my 7th birthday. I practiced on my own, sometimes with an older friend when they were available. I was so invested in singing; I took up singing lessons when I was 10. I'd even attended the practicum where I sang in front of audiences. I didn't make it big though. I stopped right after that, but my passion for singing never left me. That’s what I thought.

I started reading books, Wattpad books especially. Wattpad was so popular during my 5th grade. I collected a lot and stuffed them in one of my drawers in the closet. I'd even sell some of my Wattpad books to buy new books to read. Long enough, my love for Wattpad books turned to novels. I'd always go inside the bookstore to add books to my collection. Reading became the source of my imagination and a way to escape my sad reality. It inspired me to write short stories and poems. I still have those somewhere in my cabinet. I wrote about heartbreaks and suicide. Those things fascinate me as much as I'm scared of them. I've been a bit edgy since then. It made me dream of becoming a writer and published my stories and poems in the future.

But seeing other people’s work, clearly more polished and refined than mine, made me lose confidence in writing. I thought to myself that I would never be better than them or even be like them.

Then I got to the world of editing and animation. Watching anime became a hobby of mine. I was so fascinated with editing that I even made my own YouTube channel for my video edits. I spent hours and hours finishing my videos and share them with my friends. Progress was made, little by little, from the plain background music to the popping lyrics followed by the shaking background. I studied how to effectively use transitions and elements. I once dreamed to animate my anime or join one of the famous animation studios. It was rather silly. That editing hobby of mine got spread by someone I don't know. Sooner, I was assigned to be the editor all the time for our group activities. That put on pressure on me too much, so I dropped editing.

My father is a professor at the university I am studying at. I remember him teaching me every time I have my exams. He would make me my reviewers and quiz me every time. My parents are so strict that I'm pressured to study every time I get. Friends of mine would come to me whenever they needed help in their studies and assignments. I've become their tutor for free. They would even ask me for my advice on some stuff. This made me think that I could be a good teacher or a counselor.

Then my studies became a lot harder. My grades started lowering, but not to the point that I was failing my class. My father became stricter than ever. He slowly lost his confidence in me and blamed my source of entertainment and hobbies for becoming dumber. How could I teach others when I can’t even lift my studies?

I noticed that as time went by, my burning passion was slowly extinguishing. As I got older, I became duller than ever. Everything was gray. Whatever I wanted to be, there was always something that hinders me.

College was nearing. I felt so helpless. I have no idea what to do with my life. The dreams I had faded into the dark with no way for me to reach them. I thought to myself, "I need to be practical. Would those dreams help my future? Do they make money? Are they achievable?" I was so scared that I would end up with no career.

My flame burnt out. My own insecurities ate me up. I lost my confidence in whatever I did. I became a puppet who did everything that was told to. I became a copycat of my friends; I based my decisions on whatever they did. I felt like a shattered mirror with missing pieces. I didn't know who I was seeing from the reflection.

But then my friends asked me, "What do YOU want to do?" All I want is to be happy.

They helped me picked up my broken pieces and fixed myself up. I started first by doing what I used to love: Singing. I poured all my insecurities and glooming thoughts on singing and wrote my own lyrics. I came back to music. I even bought a new instrument for me to learn. I came back to writing from time to time. I made a new stack of poems and lyric compositions that will be hidden from the world, but it will always be important to me.

Then I came across this course. It was pulling me in like a whirlpool. Its letters glimmering in shining lights. Psychology. I looked it up on the internet. It attracted me so much that I didn't realize that my education path was already gravitating towards it. I want to learn. I want to know. I want to know about people. I want to know their thoughts. I want to understand them. Then maybe I can understand myself.

All I ever thought was that I let my dreams slip away from my hand, but no. I buried them myself. I was such a coward for doing so. I now have a path to take on, and I won't let my fears take control. Practicality? Money? Sure, that is important. But hey, I deserve to be happy. Life was easy back then. It gives you the freedom to hope, and freedom to dream. Adulting made me realize my insecurities and inferiorities. Adulting pressured me to become an adult. But all I needed was a little push in the back. Use that pressure to motivate yourself to find the best version of yourself. Ignorance is a Bliss? No, heads up and take it on.

[spadeselfshipcorner]

SPADE x HUNTER Chronicles

The Hunter Exam Pt. 2

In case you don't come from the main post, hi. This is my attempt to fully insert my HxH S/I in the main story! Gotta thank my friends whose feedback has kept me motivated to continue writing and finally posting this work, because my original plan was to keep it to myself lol

January 7th OST: Hunter ☆ March 06:00 AM The following morning I woke up at 6 AM. Ponzu was still watching over me, which was super sweet, however, when I sat up she just got back up and walked away, which did make me feel a little sad. I thought alliances would be easier to form, but apparently most examinees liked things better when it was everyone for themselves. It does make sense, the exam is a competition, but nothing is stopping people from teaming up. After spending a whole month on that ship without making a single friend I was craving for some company.

06:40 AM

A new group of people came out of the elevator. There were three; one boy and two guys, they seemed very friendly with each other, maybe they’d be cool with me too! Unfortunately they were instantly approached by Tonpa, who tried to pull the same trick he tried on me. Luckily, the kid noticed there was something off with the juice and spit it out, the other two did the same. Tonpa apologized profusely and left them alone. Time to make my move! I went up to them, probably looking awkward. Chatlog:

– [Spade]: "Uhm, sorry to approach you like this, I noticed that Tonpa guy was talking to you three."

[Leorio]: "Hm? Oh, yeah, he was talking to us. Do you know him?"

[Spade]: "Well, not exactly, he approached me earlier too, he's been going around approaching a lot of people actually... I've heard he's known as a rookie crusher, just thought I'd... warn you guys."

[Leorio]: "Wait, what? Rookie crusher? Wait, no... No way in hell- do you mean he’s intentionally trying to have people fail the Hunter Exam?"

[Spade]: "Yes, that's exactly what he does, I overheard someone talking about him yesterday."

[Gon]: "Whaaaat?! That's terrible!"

[Kurapika]: "I knew he looked suspicious, but I could've never imagined something like this… did you really hear someone say that?"

[Spade]: “Yes, I heard #187 calling him out, you can ask him as well, he probably knows about other returning examinees too.”

[Kurapika]: “I see…”

[Leorio]: "Well, that definitely explains why he was acting so desperate with that whole juice shtick. Thanks for telling us. Say, what's your name?"

[Spade]: "Oh uh, it's alright... I'm Spade, and you guys are?"

[Leorio]: "Ah, I'm Leorio. My friends here are Kurapika and Gon, it’s nice to meet you." –

Suddenly, a scream pierced the air and we all turned around to see a man whose arms had been cut clean off by a magician-looking dude. Creepy. I definitely didn’t want to get on his bad side. Some people recognized him from last year’s Hunter exam, his name was Hisoka.

07:00 AM The first examiner introduced himself as Satotz, he was an odd guy, but seemed pretty alright. He told us to follow him, which slowly evolved into us running after him; I decided to stick close to the trio, and specifically to Leorio. We were all doing pretty well, even though we didn’t know how long we’d be running for.

At one point, we saw a kid with a skateboard pass us by, and Leorio got mad, but Gon pointed out that all Satotz said was to follow him, he didn’t specify how.

Upon finding out that Gon was his same age, the white haired boy, whose name was Killua, hopped off his skateboard and started running as well. After running for a couple hours, I started getting a bit tired, but still not enough to stop me. Leorio on the other hand looked about ready to drop out. I slowed down along with Gon to wait for him. I didn’t say anything, just looked at him, and after a while he actually got mad at himself for almost dropping out and started running even harder than before! That’s the spirit! I followed after him and caught up with Kurapika as well; that was when I overheard the two guys talking about the true reasons why they want to be hunters. I was shocked to learn about Kurapika’s past, it definitely felt like I wasn’t supposed to hear that. Leorio also explained his reason, and  the fact that he was there risking his life just to reach his goal of becoming a doctor and saving people’s lives nearly brought me to tears. He’s a good guy. I pulled up my hair and ran past them, up the stairs and out of the tunnel, finally.

10:00 AM Satotz gave us a couple minutes to rest up before the test would continue, so I decided I’d sit down on the grass next to Leorio to chat a bit with him. Chatlog:

– [Spade]: "Whew... I thought we'd never get out of that tunnel for a moment haha..."

[Leorio]: "Yeah, I was starting to think that we'd never get out of there either."

[Spade]: "Heh... yeah... by the way I uh... overheard your talk with Kurapika about why you want to pass the hunter exam, and- I just wanted to say I think you have a very noble reason to do so!"

[Leorio]: "Oh, you...you heard that? Heh, that's a bit embarrassing."

[Spade]: "Not at all! I think... wanting to save people's lives free of charge is a really beautiful thing!"

[Leorio]: "H-Heh, I just think that if there's any suffering that I can stop, if there's any pain I can help ease, I think that'd be...a good way to spend my time."

[Spade]: "That's such a respectable mindset, Mr. Leorio, I mean it!"

[Leorio]: “Oh, thank you… hehe… by the way you can uh… drop the ‘Mr.’, really”

[Spade]: "Oh heh alright then, Leorio!" –

Soon enough, our break was over, and Satotz explained to us we were currently in Swindler Swamp, a wetland inhabited by dangerous creatures which used deceit as their main way to capture their prey. If anyone got lost, they’d surely die. Immediately after that explanation, a man-faced ape tried to trick us, but Hisoka made himself known again and attacked both the fake examiner and Satotz, to know for sure who was the real deal and who wasn't.

OST: Strange People 10:10 AM The second part of phase one quickly began after that. We had to make our way through some misty, extremely dangerous wetlands. I tried my best to stick with Leorio and Kurapika, but once the fog became thicker, I ended up losing track of them. I somehow managed not to die! Although I did have some very close calls with a couple of Ruse Ravens. Other than that I managed.

At some point, I ended up running into Hisoka in a clearing, right when he was facing Gon and Leorio. I attempted to help Gon, karate-chopping Hisoka’s arm as he was strangling the boy, which seemed to be enough to break his grip. Gon heaved for a couple of seconds and then went to check on Leorio. It was then that Hisoka wondered if I was worth fighting, but before he could attack me, he was interrupted by a call on his walkie-talkie, warning him not to lose time. We decided to put that aside for now, and get to the next site quickly. I was about to go with Gon, but saw Hisoka picking up Leorio and decided to stick with him, because I didn’t trust the man at ALL, and I didn’t want him to do something to Leorio. Hisoka seemed to be fine with that, and we calmly continued on our way to the meeting point, which is rather absurd, the swamp didn’t look nearly as scary while walking through it with a murderous clown. Chatlog:

– [Hisoka]: “Could I ask you a question?"

[Spade]: "Huh? What is it?"

[Hisoka]: "Well, I was just curious- that was quite a good chop you gave me… do you consider yourself a strong fighter?"

[Spade]: "Honestly... I don't know."

[Hisoka]: “Hm, you don’t know?”

[Spade]: “Well… I’m aware I’m stronger than the average person, but… I’ve also seen what actual strength is like, and I feel like I’m nowhere near that yet.”

[Hisoka]: "Oh? That is quite an interesting answer... How long have you been practicing Nen?"

[Spade]: "Huh? H-how did you... *sigh* Only for a couple years, my cousin introduced me to it."

[Hisoka]: "Well, you certainly show a lot of promise. I would love to see what you could do in an actual fight... perhaps one where we are a bit more serious."

[Spade]: "Uh... I guess we could, not a death match if possible haha, I'd like to live."

[Hisoka]: "Of course, don't worry, I'm not interested in killing you... yet… But that doesn't mean I'll go easy on you either..."

[Spade]: "Aha awesooome… then, perhaps once we're not on a time limit we could have a good fight..."

[Hisoka]: "Now we're talking... It should be fun when that time comes... I'll be looking forward to it."

[Spade]: "You really like fighting, huh?"

[Hisoka]: "Oh, yes, heh you could say I do…"

[Spade]: "But you don't seem to fight just anyone."

[Hisoka]: "That's true... I'm not going to waste my time with those weak of spirit... If I'm going to fight someone, they need to be a real challenge... someone who'll make my blood run hot with excitement. Otherwise, it would be a bore."

[Spade]: "Ah... is that why you wanna fight me?"

[Hisoka]: "Precisely. You're strong and you've shown that you have potential, especially for a beginner... that makes you interesting to me."

[Spade]: "How lucky, I'm getting the full Hisoka experience."

[Hisoka]: "Oh, you should know... the full Hisoka experience is anything but ordinary."

[Spade]: "As expected of a great magician!”

[Hisoka]: "You're quite an interesting one, aren't you? I must admit, I find your sense of humor... unique."

[Spade]: "Aha… ha…" –

We got to the forest, and finally the fog lifted. Hisoka left Leorio against a tree, and I saw him go to the needle guy. It makes sense, weird guys stick together. I waited until Leorio woke up again, and he looked at me hazily. Chatlog:

– [Leorio]: "Whuh...hey...I'm...Where are we?"

[Spade]: "You're awake! Oh thank goodness- we're waiting for the second phase to start... got through the swamp!"

[Leorio]: "What? Wait what? We're already through the swamp?"

[Spade]: "Yeah! You... don't remember anything?"

[Leorio]: "Yeah... No, I don't. Did something happen?"

[Spade]: "Uuuuh... nope, you just... got knocked out by a beast and I carried you here"

[Leorio]: "T-Thank you... for helping me. I'm in your debt."

[Spade]: "Ah i-it's nothing, really..."

[Leorio]: "You're adorable, you know that?"

[Spade]: "H-huh?! Me? Adorable?? Y-you must've hit your head pretty hard..."

[Leorio]: "Haha, look, you’re all red! What? Can’t handle a compliment?"

[Spade]: "Ah... s-shut up..." –

And then I flicked his forehead. At that point, Gon and Kurapika caught up to us just in time before the timer ran out, and Gon took me to the side to thank me for helping him out with Hisoka earlier. I didn’t feel like there was any need to thank me, but I appreciated his words.

Part 1 | Part 3

Master post

Proship/Comship & Kink blogs DNI

[ramonaflowersflowers]

So much has happened to me this may that I was not able to write about on each of it. But I say, May is a roller coaster ride.

I get to be with my family and my love's family during mother's day last week. It was tiring but I am happy that I get to be tired for a day with the love of my life.

And we had our 7th month of being together celebration wherein she surprised me with her cooking of one my fave dishes which is caldereta that me cry because the moment I opened her door I smelt the love she gave into the dish for me. I did not know that I would ever be love like that until her. How did I deserve to be with her? Maybe I just have to do my best to love her right. I wish I could because she deserves nothing but the best.

Andd again work thing is slow that I am losing sight or the virtue to continue since my project was haggled. Kinda miss the busy working days, not busy actually but the productive days that we had. All we had now is just nagging of new heads to whatever they think for us to do.

And then come thursday when the news came out that we might have to leave our site for good due to failed negotiations. And how I saw myself being out of work after all these years. Well I have and option to stay but I had to be at the office which I hate. Which fires up my desire to resign. But then I can"t afford to be out of job because of my credits. So well I had to endure until I got another to transfer. Which is now one of problems because the jobs I want won't even take a glance on my application. And it's frustrating. But then I had to be patient because I am costly human. But then something came up to me to either add up to my frustration or fire me up again, it is to take an exam for another accreditation which pointed me the solution to stay near at the office accomodation so I can concentrate on my review. But then I have to be away for days from my love and my family. Maybe too much to endure but I had to. And I know though I really can't live without my love, I know I have to give her some space.

And I hate that it frustrates me when she sleeps on me but that's an asshole thing because she's the only one who has patience with my stupid ass but I am way too over myself that I can"t let go of her just to sleep. It makes me an awful person. And I don't want to be that to her. And also the way she avoids going out with her friends because we had a past that I got mad about it. I am afraid that in the long run she'll hate me for being the only one in her life because I didn't allow her to be with others.

So I guess living alone for a couple of weeks will not only benefit me but also her. I hope my heart and mind can handle this. WELL I HAD TO.

But then what more can I ask for, if she's with me now cuddline beside me, and that I am indulged with her scent and being even though she's asleep. I want nothing more but her in my life forever. So I had to bend a little to take whatever is meant to bend my ass.

So that's my week.

+0518

[contraspem--spero]

...So let's sum it up, why don't we.

1. Ukrainian Ministry of Science and Education announced closing roughly 45% of universities in Ukraine because "there are too many universities and not enough students"

2. At the same time, they want there to be less students because they cancel the type of scholarship that covers your entire university fee; instead we'll have scholarship system that "covers up to 60% of study cost" (optimistically: we all know that's not gonna happen, let's be real)

2.1 Government-approved teachers and educators come forward openly stating that higher education should be "a ticket into high society", and are speaking in favor of "american-style" student loan higher education costs.

3. There still will be full tuition scholarships for professions of "necessary jobs for the country", such as teachers, doctors, etc. No definite list of what those jobs are, exactly, as of yet. However, those who receive full tuition will be obligated to work at least 3 years at their government-assigned job place. (So, no work in private clinics, no private schools - at least). This is presented as government "graciously" offering graduates their "first workplace". Afaik, no info how the said workplace is chosen, if it's possible to pick one that you're comfortable with or live close by. Rumors about it being mostly rural/underdeveloped areas with government offering place of residence, but I've only heard it once so I not convinced.

Which is, yk, the USSR-style system. USSR? The totalitarian country responsible for cultural and physical genocide of Ukrainians and countless other nations? The country Ukraine has been publicly decrying for years and trying to destroy all connections to? So I guess we're planning to destroy architecture and monuments from USSR, but at the same time we're returning back to the totalitarian system of communist dream prof education system and it's all fine and dandy?

3.1 If you fail to complete the contract that obligates you to work at least those 3 years, you will be sued and will have to return the money the government allegedly spent on "educating" you, including social and academic scholarships. No precedent has been set in case of lost of ability or death of the contracted graduate yet.

4. At the same time, the Ministry has announced they'll be making enrolling into university "more difficult" starting this year; I think this means less students accepted in general?

5. Multiple universities currently protest being "fused" into One, Bigger University (at least on paper) for alleged efficiency; this included a naval engineering university being fused with a pedagogical university, and a prestigious but smaller pedagogical university being fused with it's much worse performing neighbour and RIVAL.

6. All the while, education reform in Ukraine is staggering. They're announcing High School reform while our 6th, 7th graders still lack proper textbooks with updated material (which will be on the exams), and no data on when or if they will receive them. The program changes so often the teachers can't keep up and sometimes is outright incorrect.

7. The average salary of a newly employed/fresh graduate teacher is around 6k. You know how much groceries cost? Around 1k on the essentials, much more if you have special dietary needs like me (up to 3k). Then there's rent and utilities. Teachers with experience will get up to 10k, plus some bonuses, but it highly varies in region; my teacher once told me she received "just barely enough to live on" despite working for 20k years, so I'm guessing somewhere in 6-7k, too.

I'm tired.

[bdbsvirtualjournal]

16-17/10/2023

I didn't get to write anything yesterday because I was tired. The first morning of the week punched me hard. I didn't want to go to uni, or to exist basically. With a lot of pressure, internal and external, I finally got up and prepared to go. As per usual, I was late, but the teacher didn't mind it. The lab was fine, I was too tired to focus on it honestly. We worked with digital oscilloscopes, it went well. I got overwhelmed when we had to use the 'Math' function on it. 'My brain is falling, what is this' I said when the multitude of mathematical functions appeared on screen.

After the first lab, I went to the 7th floor for the next one. While I was climbing the stairs, I stopped at a window. The view is amazing there, one of the few advantages of having hours at that floor. From there you can see the southern part of the city. Every roof from Timisoara, a bunch of roofs from different eras and with vastly different styles, big towers and other view obstructing buildings, blending into a hypnotizing frame. The highlights are the towers of the Cathedral from Piata Balcescu, an amazing piece of architecture. Gothic style, pointy towers and a somber and imposing build. I love the atmosphere of Catholic / Protestant cathedrals and churches, they are much more calm and minimal. Orthodox ones are much more bright and colorful, which isn't a bad or wrong thing, they have their charm too, but personally I prefer the cold atmosphere of the west.

While I was there, I was trying to localize the tower of the Ukrainian church, because my girlfriend lives close to it. When I found it I smiled and went in the main hall to wait for the 2nd lab to start.

The 2nd lab was fine, we didn't do anything really, the teacher doesn't care. I just listened to music and pretended to study. We got good news, the teacher of the 3rd lab called and said he's sick so were good to go after this one was finished.

I went home, ate something and decided to lie in bed for a while watching a YouTube video to coup. Bet! I felt in a deep sleep, the kind that makes you feel paralyzed and confused when you wake up. I felt so tired, like a deep anguish took control of my locomotive system and it felt like a chore to move an inch. I had in plan to go to the gym, but I felt too tired, and I didn't want to force myself, so I decided to stay home and relax. I went to buy groceries, more out of inertia, because when I was there didn't want to buy anything. In the end I got some sweets and went back home, study for the driving exam for a while and after that read from 'Inseparable' by Simone de Beauvoir. Great book, touching story and well-written (I'll talk about it another time maybe).

My girlfriend told me to come to pick her up from Uni and to spend the night at her place, so that's what I did. Later in the night, after she did some home chores, she decided to study for a bit. While she was doing that, I continued to read from my book.

It felt like heaven.

She was between my legs, on her laptop reading, and while I was holding her I was also reading. 'Cigarettes after sex' in the background, at a perfect volume where it's loud enough to create an atmosphere but not enough to be distracting. I was delighted by a multitude of pleasant sensations. While I was invested in the heartbreaking story of Simone and Zaza, I could feel the warmth and the soft skin of my girlfriend, in her dim lighted room with calming music in the background.

After that we went to sleep.

The next day, in the morning I finished 'Inseparable'. I almost cried when I read the last letter Simone sent to Zaza. After that I went to uni, tried my best to pay attention to courses, failed, and after that I started 'Who Killed Palomino Molero' by Llosa while I was waiting for my girlfriend to finish her courses. Half a book later she was done and we went to the mall at a date. At first the vibes were a bit off, we felt kinda awkward, but after walking and starting to discuss more, we had a great date, with deep talks about our past present and future.

After I got her home, I also went to my place, extremely tired. Took a shower and decided to write.

While I was on the road coming home, I had some ideas about what to write, like how I feel about sleeping and other reflective thoughts. But when I got home I decided to just get in front of my laptop and run it wild. It's a journal, I don't have to plan anything, it's just a place to put my random thoughts.

Personally I wish we didn't have to sleep. I don't like sleeping. Sleeping feels good only when I'm tired and I'm forced into it. I wish I could be awake forever. Alive too. I have a fear of falling asleep. I formed a bad habit to listen to some videos while I fall asleep to not think about it. It always feels like my brain is shutting down. Millions of neurons just fade away, and my lungs feel like collapsing. I hate that feeling. It makes feel about death. That's why I distract myself every night when I'm alone.

Tomorrow there is going to be a job fair organized by my university. I will go there hoping I will find something. I really wish to start working soon. The thought of being jobless after finishing the Polytechnic is dreadful. The main reason why I'm at this uni is to find a good paying job. I don't feel attracted to this field. Or at least not fully. When I imagine the future, I see myself as a teacher or something similar, teaching Romanian or English. This technic part is to support that loose dream.

I am extremely tired. I'm not sure if what I wrote makes sense but I don't care. I'm glad I wrote it. I really need to sleep. It's 3AM. But I don't want to sleep. I want to find out who killed Palomino Molero. I want to listen to music and think about my existence. But my eyes are closing on their own.

[jupitercl0uds]

i think im depressed lmao??? and i think the funniest part is that it was mildly triggered by my tablet breaking??? its my birthday in *just* over a week so maybe that'll cheer me up. also if im less depressed i might finally upload a youtube video of me making my birthday cake!!! i dont think anyone on here knows about my youtube channel? you don't have to, the last video i posted on there was my annual new year video and the one before that was on the 11th august 2022 (7th if you dont count youtube shorts) and i dont plan on reviving my channel yet. i will one day, but not now

you dont have to go 'omg are you ok???' btw cause i'm telling you now the answer is 'no'. i hate when people ask when im ok because it makes me feel like i'm being a burden (maybe i should try and change that) and that is the last thing i want to be. and if youre concerned, dont worry, i wont end up harming myself in any way other than mentally. ive never really wanted to harm myself physically and while i have been suicidal in the past, my brain just goes further instead. so either im completely fine or its 'why even bother killing yourself you're so pathetic and useless you'd fail. that's a waste of energy. energy you got from eating food - your mum paid for that - so basically, if you fail, which you probably will, you're wasting your mum's money.' idk how my brain got there either but at least im not suicidal!

anyway, im still gonna draw. i'll still be on tumblr dot com. i may have to put wswe on hold, therefore putting @wswe-autism-fic on sorta-hiatus. same thing with @knuckles-with-a-keyboard, but tbf i can probably keep posting to that. it might not be as much and it might not be as good and oh god how do you tell your mum you might wanna put piano lessons on hold for a bit because its all getting a bit much and youre going to be doing exams soon and oh my god what the hell. in the words of maia arson crimew (not tagging cause i dont think it needs a mental health rant in its notifs):

...but i stay silly :3

[ladyinredxx]

Cereza

Believe it or not, I do remember you all the time.

My mom also does and she would ask me how you are.

I would just answer her,

“She’s fine.”

I hope…

Because it has been long since the last time we talked.

I remember your feline-like eyes, your giggles, your lovely and wide beams, the times when we used to walk side by side with the other girls, then eat our lunch and share some laughs at a single table.

Talking about life, our own and people’s stupidity, the exams we aced, what would happen the next day, the older lads in the other room born in 1998 because we didn’t like the boys in our class, and more that I can barely remember now.

You were effervescent and had a very bright face, and you had a high-pitched, cheerful voice that you used to greet people you liked.

Your cheeks would grow scarlet, either from laughing too hard or from seeing your crush. So much words I could associate those moments with—like roses, hearts, rubies, and cherries.

Your parents made a wise choice in naming you.

Who would have imagined you growing up to blush so easily at almost anything? 

You’re not you without that. It made you stand out.

I hope you never hated that.

Do you remember when you invited only three classmates to your father’s birthday?

It was the two girls and me.

I forgot the reason why you had to bring only three people.

But I felt special, seen, loved, and you gave me cupcakes.

It’s such a shame. What was I thinking?

Those were the days where I valued most the gold, silver, and bronze, the merit and people’s applause.

I would bask in the adulation of my family and everyone who linked my name with brilliance and victories.

I was a trophy child, a perfectionist, terrified of failing.

Then something died inside of me.

Remember when I became 11th for the first time?

I wished I hadn’t learned I was originally 7th—deservingly, from the calculated class record.

I could’ve accepted it easier.

You knew about my introversion and how I disliked joining activities outside of school. I detested having to make up missed lessons and exams; I’d rather focus being present in classes.

Little did I know that would cost me everything I worked so hard for.

From 7 to 11 was a big gap.

I felt like a big part of me was taken away. I was silently condemning whoever had thought it was a good idea.

I was fighting for it in my head - that the goal was supposed to be on class performance rather than who received the most certs and had more funds for extracurricular travels, that there should’ve been a separate recognition ceremony for that.

But no words came out but uncontrolled cries and a lump in my throat.

Many would contend it wasn't a huge deal.

No, they didn’t understand.

Girls our age at the time get heartbroken over unreciprocated love and breakups, while no boy could break mine but a grade that was insufficient to make it to the cut.

Ultimately not because of neglect but because I knew I did very well—but in return didn’t bring me glory and I was the young girl who felt her first and biggest injustice.

You saw me cry in the room just before we took the stage to wrap out the school year.

It was still too much for my little heart to handle.

We were sitting face to face, both hands covering my face in an effort not to make others hear my sobs.

You didn’t say much, but you were stroking my hair and told me in the most reassuringly gentle voice possible,

“It’s fine. It’s fine.”

We were both teens but you were like a mother comforting her child. You acknowledged my hurt and that my feelings were valid.

If I recall well, you were rubbing my hand to calm me before taking it so we could go together.

You were the only person who was there.

It’s such a shame. What did I do?

The old adage was right.

We are all villains in someone’s story.

I was one in yours.

I threw it all away—for reasons I can no longer tell exactly; ashamed for how ruthless I was.

Your goodness didn’t matter to me.

My words were like swords and the effect was worse than a crimson slash wound in the skin. Like the most evil villain to exist, I aimed your heart.

I was conscious of the words I was saying, yet I found myself stoically looking at you.

Like the look in the face of women throwing old pictures in the fire to completely wipe out their memories of people once dear to them.

But you were in front of me.

The gleam in your eyes had faded and flooded with tears.

You were speaking with me in between sobs, yet I didn’t bother to touch you.

Finally, you asked if you could embrace me for the last time…

and I didn’t allow.

It still haunts me.

It’s my karma.

It’s almost been a decade and I know I’m no longer one of the most relevant people in your life.

But I would go back in time and be kinder to you—even if that means trading everything I was terrified to lose during those days.

I would if that means there were no hurt on your part.

I would if that means keeping our friendship.

But the damage has been done, no?

All I can do now is to write this while hoping life doesn’t get harder on you.

I’m very sorry you had to meet me.

We’re 23 now.

I’m still growing up, but I’m adult enough to know that you deserve the best in the world.

This is what my heart has been wanting to tell you for years.

I know we’re fine now—no more downpours and tremors. 

But wherever fate brings you, I honestly hope and wish there’s always a reason for you to blush.

[pregnanttangerine]

Birth of a little bird

So the last month of my first pregnancy was very full but mostly uneventful in the lens of the pregnancy itself. I finished my linear algebra class with an A (although I had cautiously taken it pass-fail so that A did nothing for my GPA, but I was happy enough with it). We did Christmas. I took my insurance license exam and passed on almost no sleep on New Years Eve . We did New Years. I took my leave from work coinciding with the new year. I spent a week very antsy and bored yet tired? Just waiting around for a baby to come. The doctor set up an appointment to induce just in case. I waited.

Then on the evening of 7th of January, I started getting contractions. They were crampy, like my whole belly was tightening up for a few seconds, but not unbearable. Boyfriend and I played Call of Duty for an hour or so. We timed them. They were still pretty far apart and it started getting late. I told him we should go to bed. He fell asleep and I dozed, waking up when I was gripped with a particularly strong contraction. At about 1am I was starting to get them pretty close together, so I woke him up and told him we should make our way to the hospital. We got the bags and made our way to his car and got in. Just before we left, he realized that he wasn’t wearing the right shoes (sidenote: this is very characteristic of my boyfriend both to have a proper pair of shoes planned for the delivery of his child, and to have forgotten to wear them thus needing to run in and change at the last second). So he ran inside to correct his footwear. As I waited in the passenger seat of his Jetta, my water broke. So after he got back in his proper shoes I sent him back once more to get a towel, and then we were finally off.

We arrived at a quiet middle-of-the-night hospital. We had previously toured so we would know where to go, and went straight for labor and delivery. At this point the contractions were pretty strong and getting uncomfortable, but I was able to breathe through them and felt much better when I was able to walk than I had sitting in the car.

They took me into triage and laid me on my back which made me pretty uncomfortable. The admitting nurse checked the fluid that pooled around my feet and confirmed that my water had broken. She checked my cervix and was surprised to see that I was already at 6cm, and noted this baby was probably coming soon. They took my blood pressure and it was high. This is when things went sideways. Because my blood pressure was high, they wanted to do a blood draw, and they also wanted to get me on an IV. I was having pretty significant swelling at this point, and I will give these nurses the benefit of the doubt that it was me and not them, but they could NOT find my veins. Proceed with fifteen minutes of various women sticking me with needles over and over in various locations while contractions racked me in the most uncomfortable position possible. I was in pain and I wanted to move, but they wouldn’t let me until they hit those veins that were alluding them. Finally someone called in the anesthesiologist, and bless his talented heart he got that IV in where it needed to go

At this point I was clearly in pain writhing on my back and groaning like a heifer in heat, and the staff are telling me they will get me something for the pain. As the doc finally gets my IV in yet another nurse stressfully announces that communication is down with the pharmacy and they are unable to get whatever opioid relief they had sent for. One of the nurses tells me they can just get my epidural now instead and in desperation I agree.

I didn’t talk about my birth plan in my previous posts, but I had decided on delaying the epidural. The reason being is the opposite of what I had been experiencing: being able to move is good for labor. It is good for getting the baby into position, it is good for working through the pain, and it let’s you do things that can give relief like get under a soothing shower or curl up in a child pose or whatever makes you feel better. When you are numb from the waist down, you can’t really do any of that stuff.

While I was desperate to ease my discomfort, I had been told this baby was coming soon. Everything in triage had been rushed. So much urgency to get me hooked up on my IV, get my blood tested, get me into the delivery room, it all felt like this was about to happen NOW. So while I went along without question when the epidural was suggested, I didn’t really feel like I wasn’t delaying it either.

I barely remember the epidural. I remember them swabbing me with numby stuff and telling me to be really still. I had so much fear of this big shot in the backbone during the months leading up to my labor, and it turns out it was the most insignificant part of the whole thing.

The epidural worked its wonders and I went numb. I was flooded with relief. I could no longer feel my contractions. The pain ebbed away and all of the adrenaline and stress melted off of me and suddenly I was in a nice dark room with my boyfriend in the earliest hours of the morning and I was exhausted. We called my parents and my best friend to let them know it was time for baby, and I slept.

I lose track of time here. I don’t know how many hours I slept. My parents showed up at some point. Brittany drove down from LA and came in the morning of the 8th but I don’t remember what time. My boyfriend got a migraine. He ate crappy Carls Jr from down the street, and vomited in the delivery room bathroom. Their presence is a blur. Only three people were allowed in the room at a time, so sometimes it was my parents, sometimes one of them with Brittany, my boyfriend was always there of course. They hovered and would sometimes be at my bedside, rubbing my back or my leg. I was comforted by having them there, but also they seemed far away, almost like I was scary to them and they didn’t want to get too close. I yearned for someone to hold me, but I’m sure it wasn’t easy with me being hooked up to wires and tubes and all.

In between it all I was visited my nurses and doctors. I wasn’t allowed to eat, but I could have popsicles. They would turn me from one side to another to keep the epidural from pooling on one side or the other. They would take my blood pressure, they would take my temperature, they gave me medicines. At one point a nurse checked my cervix and said I was 4cm. This still confuses me to this day. Did I reverse? Was the first nurse wrong in her estimate? How did I go backwards in dilation? The epidural had lessened my contractions and this lovely nurse told me with unveiled contempt that I wasn’t even in labor and if my water hadn’t broken they would have sent me home.

After awhile someone came in and noted that frequent checks of my cervix increased the chance of infection, and since I hadn’t progressed in my labor they recommended starting on Pitocin. While I had heard nothing but horror about Pitocin, I was feeling tired and oddly guilty that I had been taking up everyone’s time to nap in the delivery room, so I agreed.

A few hours later I was having contractions again and I was feeling them. I kept smashing the epidural button and at some point it maxed and I was still in pain. An anesthesiologist came in and topped me off. More hours of contractions. Slowly I progressed again up to 8cm. The epidural wore off. I was topped off again. They upped my Pitocin. My contractions started getting very strong. They were having trouble monitoring my baby from the belly band and placed an internal monitor. 

Somewhere in the late hours of the 8th I was back in pain again. The pressure in my pelvis was tremendous. I felt like I was holding in the largest poo I had ever needed to take and I just wanted to go. I had been stuck at 8cm for hours but everything in my body was telling me to push. I didn’t think I was pushing but I kept getting scolded to NOT push and that if I did push I risked rupturing my cervix. For some reason I correlated the pain with the internal monitor. I was sure the thing was making my contractions more painful. I begged for them to take it out. Around this time I began to run a low grade fever of about 100. 

Another anesthesiologist came in and told me that the doctors were recommending an emergency C-Section. My fever meant I was risking sepsis, and I was still sitting at just 8cm. My baby was positioned backwards, with her spine up against my spine, when ideally her spine would be up against my belly button. We were both under tremendous strain but she wasn’t budging through my pelvis at that angle. The anesthesiologist told me that the epidural would be less and less effective since I had already been topped off so many times. I cried and nodded. She let me know that the anesthesia for the C-Section would feel different, and might feel like I can’t breathe because I wouldn’t feel my lungs expanding, but she assured me as long as I could talk I could breathe. She got down beside me and held my hand. She put her face close to my face and she told me to think of a calm spot where I would feel safe. I told her I thought of the beach. She asked me if I liked margaritas and I told her I do. She told me to picture myself on my favorite beach with a margarita in my hand. She told me to think of the smell of the sea and the taste of the drink and the cold glass in my hand. She pulled my mind out of the room and onto the beach and I began to ease in my pain and lose the unbearable feeling of helplessness that had gripped me. I wish I knew that doctor’s name. I would have loved to have sent her a thank you note and I would send her Christmas cards forever. She was an absolute angel when I needed one badly. 

I remember describing this to my best friend later, and she had noted that she looked around at the rest of them in the room with me and they felt she was calming them down too. I didn’t voice it because I had no interest in guilting anyone, but I wondered if that doctor wasn’t looking to them to tell them THIS is what THEY were supposed to be doing rather than spreading around the comfort.... I took a birthing class and in the first one I had my mom with me and the doula leading it taught this exact technique for the partner of the pregnant woman. I went home and told my boyfriend about it (he had to work that night) and it was reviewed the following class. Yet neither my mom nor my boyfriend did anything like this during all those hours. I don’t blame them when suddenly in that stressful situation, and I certainly wouldn’t expect bestie to know it, but damn that shit WORKS. If I ever end up in delivery with a friend I’m jumping right in and doing the damn thing because as intimate and awkward as it might be feel it really is effective. I only wish I could have had my own wits about me to understand and voice what I needed at the time.

So shortly thereafter parents and best friend were ushered back to the waiting room, while boyfriend and I were prepped for surgery. We were separate while he was washed up and given scrubs, and I was wheeled into another room. I was introduced to my surgeon and yet another anesthesiologist. He explained that I needed a spinal rather than an epidural because I needed to be numbed further up my abdomen than the epidural had done but that he could administer through the same port. He gave me the medicine and waited a few minutes. After awhile he tested for sensation and I still had feeling on my belly. He seemed astonished that I would feel anything, gave it a few minutes more and tried again, and I felt it. He poked me with a needle, saw me jump, and shook is head in disbelief. I needed yet more drugs. My labor and delivery nurses painstakingly propped me into a seated position and barely kept me from wobbling as the anesthesiologist administered the spinal.

Then I was NUMB. I lost all feeling in my abdomen. Then my neck. Then my face. I could feel nothing. I was wheeled into the operating room and met back up with my boyfriend who sat just behind my head to the right of me, with the anesthesiologist sat directly behind me. I couldn’t move. I couldn’t move anything. I couldn’t feel myself breathing, and mentally ran over the angel anesthesiologist’s words over and over like a mantra in my head to avoid falling into a complete panic. I cannot describe how awful this type of paralysis is, to be fully conscious but unable to feel or move anything. The anesthesiologist asked how I was doing, and with horror I realized I couldn’t talk. Suddenly my mantra seemed shaky since I couldn’t talk maybe I wasn’t breathing??? With tremendous concentration and effort I mouthed that I can’t talk. He couldn’t understand me, I tried again. His eyebrows wrinkled in concern and he assured me I was alright.

I was so exhausted from the effort of trying to stay calm. I don’t really remember much about what was happening during the surgery. I vaguely remember my boyfriend looking anxiously back and forth from the operation to me. For some reason I remember a sheet being laid over my face, but that might have been the anesthesia/paralysis instead of an actual sheet? At one point the anesthesiologist seemed to notice my effort and let me know it was ok if I fell asleep. I think I dozed then, but probably not for very long.

Then I heard her cry. A tiny high pitched sigh of a noise in the middle of conversation and machine beeps and I was flooded by relief. My boyfriend left my side and I waited in my drowsy immobility for them to bring her to me. The moment didn’t come. After a few minutes my boyfriend’s worried face reappeared in my vision. He told me that she had come out with fluid in her lungs and they were taking her to the NICU. He asked me if he should stay with me or go with her, I whispered for him to go.

And then I was alone with a room full of strangers. I had no more worry or panic left in me. I was filled with a lonely apathy as I dozed in and out of consciousness.  I remember the casual work-place conversation between the surgeon and attending nurses and doctors as they chatted about the colleges they attended. It seemed so surreal and a part of me was sure I was dying, that I had exerted all I had to give and was slipping away and that it was ok because my daughter was born and alive her dad was with her and he would do whatever needed to be done.

After however long I had been sewn up and was wheeled to yet another room for recovery. Slowly the anesthesia wore off enough that I was able to speak and move my head to look around me. I was in a long line of empty beds and one of the nurses that had been with me sat typing at a computer. The nurse let me know I was to rest there for some given amount of time while she monitored me and then I would be taken to my room. I asked when I would be able to see my daughter or if she knew anything about her condition. She told me she wasn’t sure but it would be awhile until I could see her because they had to wait for the anesthesia to wear off completely. After what seemed like an excruciatingly long time, my boyfriend came in to see me.

He showed me a picture of my baby. The first time I saw her was an image on my boyfriend’s cell phone. She was so tiny with a surprising amount of dark hair and big alert dark eyes. She had tape across her face holding a breathing tube in place. My heart ached to see her. It didn’t seem real seeing a photograph of her. I was supposed to be with her. How could she be ok in some other room on some other floor far away from her mother. I cried with joy in seeing her and sadness at how far away she seemed. We looked at each other and we both agreed that we now knew what to name her. All of her hospital labels and plaques said “Baby Girl Phelps,” but her birth certificate would eventually read Rosalie Jenn Enriquez.

I had to wait a full day before I was able to see her. I was taken to my recovery room with a massive TV and was revisited by my parents and best friend. I was told with amusement how my mother viewed the photo of my daughter the first time and squealed with delight, “a little Mexican baby!” The day dragged on, I gained sensation and then discomfort but wasn’t in too much pain. I was only anxious to meet my kid. Eventually a nurse said I should be able to see her soon, but they had to find someone to take me down in a wheelchair. This maybe took a half hour to an hour? I’m not too sure, but it felt like forever. I remember being irritated that my boyfriend couldn’t do it since he had already been down to see her several times and was perfectly capable of pushing a wheelchair, but some protocol required a professional to do it.

Finally, a nurse came in to wheel me down. I was so anxious going down the elevator, rolling down the hall, getting checked into NICU, getting a name tag... just let me see my baby already! At last I was wheeled into a tiny room with a little plastic crib and encountered a male NICU nurse holding my daughter. He handed her to me, I know he told me that she was doing great and should be released to be in the room with me soon, that she had been drinking a bottle, encouraging me to nurse, etc, but all I really remember was the shock of seeing her for the first time. 

It’s impossible to put into words. To say it was a “rush of love” in the way I so often hear described by new parents falls flat. That sounds too cuddly, too mushy, too soft. This feeling was fierce. My life revolted away from everything it had been in an instant. In one moment my whole world tipped on its side and revolved around this one tiny person. I was faced with all of the joy and love inside me and all of the fear and anxiety inside me all at once, with a deep knowledge that this was to be the way it was for the rest of my life, and she was looking up at me and SEEING me. She was laid on my chest against my skin and I was so overwhelmed with relief that we were finally together I could have stayed there in that tiny room holding her like that for an eternity. 

I don’t remember what roused me into leaving eventually. I know it took about another half of a day for them to release her from NICU to stay with me. My boyfriend and I alternated carrying for her, making our novice attempts at swaddling her and changing her diapers. She wouldn’t latch and I began what would become a grueling 8 week journey of constant pumping and an eventual frenectomy in my determination to breastfeed that eventually paid off. 

We had a few visitors, friends and family from both sides. All were taken aback at how CUTE she was. I kept thinking I was obviously biased but I heard it from everyone. Nurses would pop in unscheduled just to look at her. I was told over and over that she was the cutest baby in the hospital. One nurse in particular was so doting I joked with my boyfriend that we had to keep an eye on her or she’d walk off with her one of these stops.  I forget that often newborns spend their first few weeks rarely opening her eyes, because my daughter was constantly looking around her. It seemed like she was able to see much more than newborns are able to, because she would snap her eyes in the direction of sounds and voices like she could see across the room. She had a musical high-pitched cry unlike how most newborns cry as well. When the resident pediatrician made her first visit, my daughter cried at the touch of the cold stethoscope, and the doctor gasped, “she cries like a baby sparrow!” From that moment on she has been my Little Bird.

It was nice having the staff to assist in taking care of my baby while we were there, but it became apparent pretty quickly that the hospital stay wasn’t going to be restful. Of course I had a newborn to feed every few hours and tend to, but I also had nurses stopping in every few hours to give me medicine, take blood, take blood from the baby, take my blood pressure, etc. After four days I couldn’t wait to go home. They told me I could stay for a few more days, but I politely declined and was so so so happy to finally get back in my boyfriend’s car and take our baby home.

Now that it’s a few years later and I’m facing a second delivery, I’m just opting for the scheduled C-Section. Of course every labor is different and my doctor has assured me that the risk is minimal should I choose a VBAC, but I given the shock, pain, and trauma of the first one, I’d rather just skip all that and deal with the recovery I’m familiar with. As hard as it was, it was worth it of course. My daughter is a constant delight. Watching her grow and learn and develop her own personality is just a never-ending amazement. I am looking forward to finding out how similar and different her brother is going to be.

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