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girlsbtrs · 3 years

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How Being a Woman in Hardcore Helped Me Learn to Love Myself

Written by Jen Moglia. Graphic by Laura Cross.

Since this is my first piece written for Girls Behind the Rock Show, I figured that I should introduce myself; hi, my name is Jennifer, but most people call me Jen. I live on Long Island in New York, and my favorite things include my cats, the color pink, giving gifts to my Animal Crossing villagers, and watching sports. Above all else, however, I love music.

I frequently refer to music as the love of my life. It somehow plays a role in everything that I do. I got my first iPod when I was five years old, stacked with everything from Miranda Cosgrove and Avril Lavigne to Tool and Deftones. Some of my favorite memories growing up are sitting in my pink and purple bedroom singing and dancing along to Paramore’s crushcrushcrush and Fall Out Boy’s Thnks Fr Th Mmrs on the local alternative radio station. I danced for 12 years, played cello for seven, and am currently a wannabe ukulele rockstar after buying one on impulse and starting to teach myself how to play four years ago. Even on the simplest, barely noticeable levels, music has been everywhere in my life for as long as I can remember; even now, I can’t complete a basic task without a song playing in my headphones.

Music became an even bigger part of my life when I started attending live shows. I went to my first concerts at age 10, seeing my two favorite artists - Nickelodeon boy band Big Time Rush and classic progressive rock band Rush - within one month of each other. By the time I was 15, I had been to my fair share of arena/seated shows with one or both of my parents, from Fifth Harmony to Fitz and the Tantrums to Alice in Chains. My first general admission show was seeing the Foo Fighters at Citi Field with both my mom and dad when I was 12, but my first pop-punk general admission show (yes, they’re different) came a few years later. I had the typical list of favorite bands that you would expect from a young teenager getting into alternative music: Neck Deep, Knuckle Puck, Real Friends, and State Champs.

In late 2018, I was able to see all four of these bands for the first time, and I am a firm believer that it changed the course of my life. I met, cried-during, and eventually got the setlist for Neck Deep at Stereo Garden on Long Island in September. I sang all of “Untitled” at the barricade for Knuckle Puck at SI Hall at the Fairgrounds in Syracuse in October. I had my first minor concussion scare (yay!) before Real Friends’ set at Irving Plaza in New York City in November. Finally, I crowd surfed for the first time during State Champs’ anniversary show for The Finer Things at House of Independents in Asbury Park in December. After just a few shows, I had fallen in love with this new brand of live music that I had just been introduced too. There was something so magical to me about skin covered in sweat and Sharpie marks, feet hurting from dancing in the pit all night, and meeting strangers on line outside the venue who would become your best friends and know your deepest secrets by the end of the night.

After making some friends at all of the pop-punk shows I was going to, they started to tell me that I should get into hardcore music. I was hesitant at first - the heaviest thing I had listened to at that point was nowhere near the snippets of hardcore that my friends had played for me - but, eventually, I decided to give it a chance. I was bored and home alone with nothing to do one night over the summer of 2019 when I listened to my first hardcore album, Laugh Tracks by Knocked Loose. Immediately, I got that gut feeling that you have when you know you’ve heard one of your favorite bands for the first time. I knew that this was something special that I was meant to find at this point in my life. For the rest of the summer, I worked my way through the rest of my friends’ hardcore and hardcore-adjacent recommendations, with Cost of Living by Incendiary, Stage Four by Touche Amore, You’re Not You Anymore by Counterparts, Time & Space by Turnstile, Springtime and Blind by Fiddlehead, Smile! Aren’t You Happy by Absence of Mine, Bad to my World by Backtrack, and Reality Approaches by Harms Way being some of my favorites. By the time the next school year started, I was hooked, and I already had tickets to my first few hardcore shows in the fall.

My first hardcore show was in November 2019, seeing Knocked Loose at Webster Hall in New York City - fitting, right? They were on tour supporting their new record A Different Shade of Blue, which I had become obsessed with the minute I heard it for the first time. Although I was ridiculously scared of getting stepped on and breaking all my bones (yes, that was an actual fear of mine), I had the time of my life at that show. There was something about this newer kind of live music that prompted a cathartic release, one that I hadn’t found anywhere else before. As soon as the show was over, I was counting the days until my next one.

My love for live hardcore music (and live music and hardcore music in general) has only grown since then, and that story sort of ends there. However, I want to go back to that first hardcore band that I listened to, Knocked Loose, and the album they put out that first summer that stole my heart. I was taken by storm as soon as the first notes of A Different Shade of Blue rang through my headphones, but something was different about the third track, A Serpent’s Touch, particularly the ending; I heard a voice that sounded a little bit more like my own.

This song features Emma Boster, who does vocals for one of my favorite hardcore bands right now, Dying Wish. When I heard A Serpent’s Touch for the first time, though, I had no idea who she was. I was used to the aggressive vocal delivery of frontmen in hardcore, particularly that of Knocked Loose’s Bryan Garris, but hearing it come from her changed my perspective on a lot of things. It’s not like the song was super angry and changed its tune to be lighter once the token girl came along; in her verse, Boster sings, “I watched the venom / Overcome your spirit / Jealousy holds you now / Distorting your appearance / Bleed out.” These were lyrics that held the same intensity that the lines screamed by the men held, and they sounded just as cool coming out of her mouth. As cheesy as it sounds, it had never even occurred to me that women had a place in this new world that I had discovered. The audiences in the live videos I watched (and eventually at the shows I attended) were made up of mostly men who looked bigger and older than me. When I did start going to shows, most of the non-man population consisted of my friends and I. Emma Boster, along with so many others, began to open my eyes to the fact that a place for people like me existed in this community. It didn’t matter that I had bright red hair or liked butterflies or wore pink - I was just as much a part of this magic as the men multiple feet taller than me with tattoo-covered arms, and I belonged there just as much as they did.

As time went on and I got more involved in the genre’s music and community, I discovered more bands with women in them, and it only fueled this fire of empowerment inside of me. When I felt insecure, I’d watch live sets from Krimewatch, a hardcore band from New York City, just half an hour away from my hometown. They have multiple women as members, including their energetic badass of a vocalist, Rhylli Ogiura. Year of the Knife became one of my all-time favorites, and their bassist Madison Watkins became a serious inspiration to me; the way that she can balance killing it on stage and running the cutest, most pink apparel brand I’ve ever seen (aptly titled Candy Corpse) amazes me. Even some of the bands I’ve found more recently have had an impact on me. I started listening to Initiate last year when their EP Lavender came out, and their beautifully colorful cover art caught my eye before I had heard any of their songs. Their vocalist, Crystal Pak, is also a woman, and she’s insanely talented. Discovering this kind of representation in this new universe that I had come to feel so at home in introduced me to a world of confidence and determination that I had never known before.

When people ask me why I love hardcore so much, I often give the easy answer; “the music sounds good.” If the person allows me to ramble on for a little longer, the answer becomes much more emotional and cheesy. Hardcore taught me that speaking up for what I believe in is important, and if there’s something I’m passionate about, it’s worth shouting about. I became familiar with this when listening to one of my favorite bands ever, Incendiary (the second hardcore band I ever checked out), before quickly realizing that politics are a pretty common topic within the genre - it’s what this music was practically built on. The first time I heard their vocalist Brendan Garrone singing about police brutality and injustice on songs like Force of Neglect and Sell Your Cause, I realized that there is so much more to music than just sounding good.

However, at its core, the thing I love so much about hardcore is what it taught me about being a woman. Growing up, I was the loud girl with the personality bigger than the room who always had something to say and had a never ending supply of excitement about just about everything. As I got older, I was taught that this was not okay. People didn’t like how enthusiastic I was about everything, or that I constantly had new ideas and new discoveries I wanted to talk about. As cliche as it sounds, I felt like everyone around me was trying to dull my sparkle, especially some of the men that I was encountering on a day-to-day basis. Even when I started to come to terms with my big and bright personality, in turn also coming to terms with my own femininity, I was told that this wasn’t how girls acted. I had to pick one - I could watch Disney princess movies and wear Hello Kitty hair clips, or I could be outspoken about my beliefs; but never both. The women that I mentioned earlier, along with so, so many more, helped me unlearn these toxic mindsets. Seeing someone like Emma Boster take the stage and scream ferociously for a full set helped me see that I could be a girl and still be a powerhouse. Following Madi Watkins around on social media showed me that I could love bands like Year of the Knife and also love heart-shaped purses and wear pink from head to toe. My aggression and passion didn’t make me any less of a woman, and my femininity didn’t make me any less of a force to be reckoned with.

So, at the end of this love letter to hardcore and the women who run it, I say this; thank you for teaching me that I don’t have to shrink myself anymore. It has made a world of a difference.

#jennifer moglia

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ireadyabooks · 4 years

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Books to Read After Watching Julie and the Phantoms

By Mackenzie Cutruzzula

First things first...

If you’re anything like me you haven’t been able to get the songs from Julie and the Phantoms out of your head. Whether you love music, a good ghost story, or a little bit of both, these books are on the edge of great.

Julie and the Phantoms: The Edge of Great by Micol Ostow (On Sale December 29)

After the passing of her mom, Julie has lost her passion for music and is on the verge of being kicked out of her performing arts high school. That is, until she makes the ultimate comeback with her new band, Julie and the Phantoms. There’s only one catch: all of her bandmates are ghosts.

Back in the 1990s, Luke, Reggie, and Alex were on the cusp of rock stardom with their band, Sunset Curve, before an unfortunate encounter with Los Angeles street food brought their rock band dreams—and lives—to an end. Now, with Julie as their lead singer, the guys have a second chance to make it big and to help Julie discover the real power of music.

This novel based on Season 1 of the hit Netflix series is told in alternating points of view and include a full-color photo insert and exclusive story content not seen on the show!

If you love the music of Julie and the Phantoms try these reads:

P.S. I Like You by Kasie West

While spacing out in Chemistry class, Lily scribbles some of her favorite song lyrics onto her desk. The next day, she finds that someone has continued the lyrics on the desk, and added a message to her. Soon, Lily and her anonymous pen pal are exchanging full-on letters -- sharing secrets, recommending bands, and opening up to each other. Lily realizes she's kind of falling for this letter writer. Only who is he? As Lily attempts to unravel the mystery, and juggle school, friends, crushes, and her crazy family, she discovers that matters of the heart can't always be spelled out...Kasie West brings irresistible wit, warmth, and sparkle to this swoon-worthy story of love showing up when you least expect it.

Turn It Up by Jen Calonita

The Nightingales are in a serious funk. Bradley Academy's all-girl a cappella group used to be the pride of the sunshine state, but the Nightingales have recently fallen out of harmony. Best friends and co-captains Lidia Sato and Sydney Marino haven't been speaking ever since a boy came between them. And not just any boy-none other than Griffin Mancini, the lead singer of Bradley Academy's smug all-boy a capella group, the Kingfishers.The Nightingales have no chance of making it to the big state final if their captains are at each other's throats. Their only hope is new girl Julianna Ramirez. But in addition to her serious pipes, she has some serious stage fright.The Nightingales will have to come together if they want to shine at the upcoming competition and restore the group to its former glory.

K-Pop Confidential by Stephen Lee

When Candace Park secretly enters a global audition held by the same music label that made the K-pop boy band SLK famous, the last thing she expects is to actually get a coveted spot in their trainee program. And convincing her strict parents to let her to go is all but impossible ... although it's nothing compared to what comes next. Under the strict supervision of her instructors at the label's headquarters in Seoul, Candace must perfect her performance skills to within an inch of her life, learn to speak Korean fluently, and navigate the complex hierarchies of her fellow trainees, all while following the strict rules of the industry. Rule number one? NO DATING, which becomes impossible to follow when she meets a dreamy boy trainee. And in the all-out battle to debut, Candace is in danger of planting herself in the middle of a scandal lighting up the K-pop fandom around the world.

Kill the Boy Band by Goldy Moldavsky

Just know from the start that it wasn't supposed to go like this. All we wanted was to get near them. That's why we got a room in the hotel where they were staying. We were not planning to kidnap one of them. Especially not the most useless one. But we had him-his room key, his cell phone, and his secrets. We were not planning on what happened next. We swear.

Muted by Tami Charles (On Sale February 2, 2021)

For seventeen-year-old Denver, music is everything. Writing, performing, and her ultimate goal: escaping her very small, very white hometown. So Denver is more than ready on the day she and her best friends Dali and Shak sing their way into the orbit of the biggest R&B star in the world, Sean "Mercury" Ellis. Merc gives them everything: parties, perks, wild nights -- plus hours and hours in the recording studio. Even the painful sacrifices and the lies the girls have to tell are all worth it. Until they're not. Denver begins to realize that she's trapped in Merc's world, struggling to hold on to her own voice. As the dream turns into a nightmare, she must make a choice: lose her big break, or get broken. Inspired by true events, Muted is a fearless exploration of the dark side of the music industry, the business of exploitation, how a girl's dreams can be used against her -- and what it takes to fight back.

Spin by Lamar Giles

When rising star Paris Secord (aka DJ ParSec) is found dead on her turntables, it sends the local music scene reeling. No one is feeling that grief more than her shunned pre-fame best friend, Kya, and ParSec's chief groupie, Fuse -- two sworn enemies who happened to be the ones who discovered her body. The police have few leads, and when the trail quickly turns cold, the authorities don't seem to be pushing too hard to investigate further. But nobody counted on Paris's deeply loyal fans, ParSec Nation, or the outrage that would drive Fuse and Kya to work together. As ParSec Nation takes to social media and the streets in their crusade for justice, Fuse and Kya start digging into Paris's past, stumbling across a deadly secret. With new info comes new motives. New suspects. And a fandom that will stop at nothing in their obsessive quest for answers, not even murder...

If you love the ghosts in Julie and the Phantoms and are looking for something a little spooky, try these reads:

City of Ghosts by Victoria Schwab

Ever since Cass almost drowned (okay, she did drown, but she doesn't like to think about it), she can pull back the Veil that separates the living from the dead . . . and enter the world of spirits. Her best friend is even a ghost. So things are already pretty strange. But they're about to get much stranger. When Cass's parents start hosting a TV show about the world's most haunted places, the family heads off to Edinburgh, Scotland. Here, graveyards, castles, and secret passageways teem with restless phantoms. And when Cass meets a girl who shares her "gift," she realizes how much she still has to learn about the Veil -- and herself. And she'll have to learn fast. The city of ghosts is more dangerous than she ever imagined.

All the Crooked Saints by Maggie Stiefvater

Any visitor to Bicho Raro, Colorado, is likely to find a landscape of dark saints, forbidden love, scientific dreams, miracle-mad owls, estranged affections, one or two orphans, and a sky full of watchful desert stars. At the heart of this place you will find the Soria family, who all have the ability to perform unusual miracles. And at the heart of this family are three cousins longing to change its future: Beatriz, the girl without feelings, who wants only to be free to examine her thoughts; Daniel, the Saint of Bicho Raro, who performs miracles for everyone but himself; and Joaquin, who spends his nights running a renegade radio station under the name Diablo Diablo. They are all looking for a miracle. But the miracles of Bicho Raro are never quite what you expect.

Cemetery Boys by Aiden Thomas

Bestowed by the ancient goddess of death, Yadriel and the gifted members of his Latinx community can see spirits: women have the power to heal bodies and souls, while men can release lost spirits to the afterlife. But Yadriel, a trans boy, has never been able to perform the tasks of the brujas - because he is a brujo. When his cousin suddenly dies, Yadriel becomes determined to prove himself a real brujo. With the help of his cousin and best friend Maritza, he performs the ritual himself, and then sets out to find the ghost of his murdered cousin and set it free. However, the ghost he summons is not his cousin. It's Julian Diaz, the resident bad boy of his high school, and Julian is not about to go quietly into death. He's determined to find out what happened and tie off some loose ends before he leaves. Left with no choice, Yadriel agrees to help Julian, so that they can both get what they want. But the longer Yadriel spends with Julian, the less he wants to let him leave.

The Ghost and the Goth by Stacey Kade

After a close encounter with a bus, Alona Dare goes from homecoming queen to Queen of the Dead. She’s stuck as a ghost in the land of the living with no sign of the big, bright light to take her to a better place. To make matters worse, the only person who might be able to help her is Will Killian, a total loser outcast. More than anything, Will wishes he didn’t have the rare ability to communicate with the dead, especially the former mean girl of Groundsboro High. He’s not filling out any volunteer forms to help her cross to the other side, though it would bring him some welcome peace and quiet. Can they get over their mutual distrust -- and quasi-attraction -- to work together? Readers of this spirited paranormal comedy won't want this odd couple to ever part.

#I read YA #blog #K-pop Confidential #kill the boy band #julie and the phantoms #unsaid emily #the edge of great #spin #all the crooked saints #city of ghosts #muted #turn it up #p. s. i like you

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alolaluna-moving · 3 years

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MEET THE MUSE!

Rules: Answer in-character. Repost, don’t reblog.

THE BASICS:

► NAME ➭ ❝ Selene Mizuki Lantana Okalani! Yeah, two moon-related things- that has to do with my birthday! ❞

► ARE YOU SINGLE? ➭ ❝ Yes? ❞

► ARE YOU HAPPY? ➭ ❝ Um- ❞ (Queue the "We'll Be Right Back" screen.)

► ARE YOU ANGRY? ➭ ❝ TAKE A FUCKING GUESS! ❞

► ARE YOUR PARENTS STILL MARRIED? ➭ ❝ Nope, and good riddance to my dad! ❞

NINE FACTS:

► BIRTH PLACE ➭ ❝ Celadon City! You know, that city in the Kanto region with the gym leader who likes teaching random kids the art of 'flower-arranging?' ❞

► HAIR COLOR ➭ ❝ It's dyed dark purple right now! Some people mistake it for black when the lighting is bad. My natural hair color is light brown! ❞

► EYE COLOR ➭ ❝ My natural E-C is blue, but I always wear purple contacts! Gotta match with my hair, you know! ❞

► BIRTHDAY ➭ ❝ December 21st, the longest night of that year, also known as the Winter Solstice! Get why they named me after two different moon-related things now? ❞

► MOOD ➭ ❝ Given my norm, you caught me in a fairly good mood! ❞ (The Alolan is currently glowering at everyone she sees.)

► GENDER ➭ ❝ I'm a girl! ❞

► SUMMER OR WINTER ➭ ❝ There's absolutely no competition, summer for the win! Winter is horrible. ❞

► MORNING OR AFTERNOON ➭ ❝ Afternoons in Alola are great and all, but there's just something about mornings that makes this region seem so familial and nostalgic. There's nothing like it! ❞

LOVE LIFE:

► ARE YOU IN LOVE? ➭ ❝ None of your business, loser! Leave me alone! ❞

► DO YOU BELIEVE IN LOVE AT FIRST SIGHT? ➭ ❝ I feel sorry for any poor, naive soul that does. I don't know how anyone could fall for somebody else just by giving them a glance! Save that trope for those sappy, gross romance movies that Unova and Kalos love putting in their studios, not for the real world! ❞

► WHO ENDED YOUR LAST RELATIONSHIP? ➭ ❝ I did. We were idiots in second grade who just wanted to try what the older kids were doing, so it wasn't that heartbreaking for either of us! That was before I realized that I don't like boys. ❞

► HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN SOMEONE’S HEART? ➭ ❝ How would I know that? Stop torturing me with such stupid questions! ❞

► ARE YOU AFRAID OF COMMITMENTS? ➭ ❝ Nope, as long as the person I'm making commitments to is a decent human being! ❞

► HAVE YOU HUGGED SOMEONE WITHIN THE LAST WEEK? ➭ ❝ Hugs are saved for my mom! ❞

► HAVE YOU EVER HAD A SECRET ADMIRER? ➭ ❝ THEY'RE CALLED SECRET ADMIRERS FOR A REASON YOU MORON! Ahem, sorry. Gotta be civil here, apparently! If you're asking whether I've been sent that sort of stuff anonymously or not, nope. ❞

► HAVE YOU EVER BROKEN YOUR OWN HEART? ➭ ❝ ..No? ❞

CHOICES:

► LOVE OR LUST ➭ ❝ Love! Lust is gross! ❞

► LEMONADE OR ICED TEA ➭ ❝ Lemonade! Lemonade! Lemonade- okay, I got carried away. Continue. ❞

► A FEW BEST FRIENDS OR MANY REGULAR FRIENDS ➭ ❝ I have a few best friends, obviously! Hau and Lillie are my closest friends, though. ❞

► WILD NIGHT OUT OR ROMANTIC NIGHT IN ➭ ❝ Definitely a wild night out! Wild nights are always fun! ❞

► DAY OR NIGHT ➭ ❝ Nighttime! It's quieter at nighttime, you're less likely to be bothered- though obviously, there's more people actively at nighttime in Alola than any other region due to our cultures. But it's still a lower chance than in broad daylight! But it's not just that! There's something magical about taking a stroll through the wilderness or Mantine Surfing under the moonlight. It just feels.. right, you know? ❞

HAVE YOU EVER:

► BEEN CAUGHT SNEAKING OUT ➭ ❝ Duh! Eventually I just started sneaking out by climbing on the roof, though. ❞

► FALLEN DOWN/UP THE STAIRS ➭ ❝ You mean to say other people haven't? Oh man, I'm a clutz, aren't I?❞

► WANTED SOMETHING/SOMEONE SO BADLY IT HURT? ➭ ❝ ..Yes to the former, but that's a time I don't want to talk about. ❞

CHOICES PT. 2:

► SMILE OR EYES ➭ ❝ Definitely the eyes, it's much easier to read people through their eyes than through their smile! Anyone can smile, but only sincere people can actually show that they mean it. ❞

► SHORTER OR TALLER ➭ ❝ Taller. So I can intimidate even more people with my height. It's fun, being 6'2"! ❞

► INTELLIGENCE OR ATTRACTION ➭ ❝ Intelligence matters way more than attraction to me. Everybody has a different way of presenting themselves! As long as they don't smell like they haven't showered in four months, we're good! ❞ (Selene has some issues with judging someone for how beautiful or ugly they are. Because, you know, she did see Lusamine do that exact thing to her best friend, deeming her 'ugly' and likewise.)

► HOOK-UP OR RELATIONSHIP ➭ ❝ Relationships. ❞

FAMILY:

► DO YOU AND YOUR FAMILY GET ALONG ➭ ❝ Only really my mom and her side of the family. I never saw eye-to-eye with any relatives on my dad's side, or my brother. ❞

► WOULD YOU SAY YOU HAVE A “MESSED UP LIFE” ➭ ❝ I wouldn't word it as 'messed up,' I would word it as 'chaotic!' ❞

► HAVE YOU EVER RAN AWAY FROM HOME ➭ ❝ Twice. Once in Kanto because I was sick of listening to my family bicker. Then there was the whole ordeal after that incident. ❞

► HAVE YOU EVER GOTTEN KICKED OUT ➭ ❝ Somehow, no! ❞

FRIENDS:

► DO YOU SECRETLY HATE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS ➭ ❝ I'm not afraid of telling people I hate to piss off, so nope, I love all my friends! ❞

► DO YOU CONSIDER ALL OF YOUR FRIENDS GOOD FRIENDS ➭ ❝ Not quite. I use 'good friend' and 'best friend' interchangeably, so I'd technically only have a few 'good friends.' ❞

► WHO IS YOUR BEST FRIEND ➭ ❝ I don't really have a number one best friend, I don't like picking favorites out of my main circle! My closest human friends are Hau, Lillie, and Gladion, I've been through a lot with them and nothing can replace them in my heart. I'm also quite close with all of the trial captains, though out of that bunch, I'm closest to Acerola. And of course, there's my Pokemon team and Andro! ❞

► WHO KNOWS EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU ➭ ❝ No humans, actually. My main Pokemon team, Andro, and Lunala know everything. ❞

Tagged by: @distortsverity (thank you!!)

Tagging: You know the drill- steal it :)

#🌙*⊱ ┇✧ ❝ night is a time of healing ;; games ❞#thanks for tagging me! this was really fun and a good way to get some more muse for sel :)

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lynx-paw · 3 years

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It's been two days already. And I’m writing this with hope it will give me some sort of relief. But I doubt it. I remember the day I met you. You were so small and scared of the world. You couldn’t eat or drink water, and it was the image that broke my heart. The process of getting to know you was slow and sometimes painful because more times than not, you’d run away or get scared by a sudden noise or movement. It was hard. First months were so hard. I wanted to tell you there was no reason to be afraid of me, of us, but you just weren’t able to understand. Your fragile body broke down even my father. He carried you in his arms so many times and kept you warm because it was December when you came to us. Whether it was snowing or raining, he held you close to his chest and something about how tiny you were forced its way into his heart. You were so precious. So many times I’ve ditched the homework and went to play with you near the fireplace because I wanted you to be happy and feel loved. You made my schooldays better. I think we understood each other’s anxiety without ever saying a word about it. And so the spring came, and you were sunbathing in front of our door, in your little box, with pieces of what used to be my button-up shirt, but I didn’t mind it. You were so cute. And after the spring, summer came, and I realized how much you’ve grown and how much weight you gained. We were all so happy. So happy that you were finally eating properly and drinking water like you were supposed to. I remember making a collage of your photos just to show everyone how much you’ve progressed and how healthy you’ve become since you lived with us. You and I went for so many walks. We walked, we ran, you swam in the river, you explored nature and posed like a real model on every stone and wall we came across. My friends met you, strangers fell in love with you and I was so happy with you. I finally had someone who would keep my secrets, someone who would always welcome my embrace. After such a long time, there was finally someone who was happy to see me every single time. I remember all the times my parents would leave for a day and I’d bring you inside the house, put you on my lap, and we would watch cartoons together. You slept on me. And I felt good. I felt so calm and like nothing else mattered except the fact I have someone, for the second time in my life, to watch cartoons with and just sit on the floor in the living room. I’m still not forgiving you for spilling my coffee all over the carpet. But, I’d still kiss your little forehead no matter what you did, no matter how mischievous you’d be. Because I know there wasn’t a single bad cell in your body and all you did was just a reaction you developed because of the terrible life you had before you came to us. I don’t know what they did to you there. But, I am sorry you had to go through it. Because your healing process was so long. But, I am glad I had the chance to meet you, I am glad I was able to be the one you’ve put trust in, I am glad you weren’t scared of me, I am glad you’ve taught me so much patience and, mostly, I am glad I had the opportunity to know you. To breathe in your scent, to see your happy jumps, to see you run after ducks, to see that no matter how hurt someone got, there was always a chance to receive and give love. Thank you for every time you were there to sit with me, to share joy over fallen leaves, over spring, bees and all that is good in life. In your name I promise I will enjoy sunshine more than before because I know how much you enjoyed it. I promise I will show kindness to everyone I meet, because you taught me you never know what kind of life they had before you met them. I am sorry I didn’t get to say my final goodbye properly, and I am sorry I didn’t come home earlier to see you one more time. I hope you didn’t suffer and that in your last moments I wasn’t someone you disliked. I am sorry there was no way for me to tell you that I am okay and that I will keep coming back to you as much as I can, as often as I can. I hope your little heart didn’t suffer. I wish I could’ve told you I’m away for the college and that I’m not abandoning you forever. I wish I could’ve told you how much happiness you brought me every time my mum would send me a photo of you chilling or just… being you. I hope we made your little life better and happier, because you for sure did make mine. And I am sorry for crying all the time because I know you were always concerned whenever I was down, but I cannot handle the fact you’re gone and the pain I feel is insufferable. I promise I was never mad at you, because you were all I had and all that ever kept me alive during my worst depression periods. You don’t know it, but now I’ll tell you that you saved my life so many times in the last two months. I swear that the only thing that kept me alive at ungodly hours was the fact I couldn’t do harm to myself because it would make you sad. You kept me alive during my worst days, because if I was dead, it would feel like betraying you. And who would explain to you that I was gone? Forever… Thank you for every time you showed kindness to me, thank you for every time you waited for me to come back, and thank you for every time you showed just how much you love me. To receive love from someone who has been through so much… It is something indescribably inspiring. I promise I’ll hold on to my life for you.

Thank you. We’ll see each other again some day when sun rays fall on the cherry blossoms you love so much.

#goodbye my baby

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dear--charlie · 3 years

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Dear Charlie,

I'm in total crisis mode, and I guess you need some context for it to make sense. It's my sister's birthday, and I got our friends to come over for a day or two of hanging out. Normally, this is hard to do because Jack works all the time (and his mother is still very controlling) and Nikki can't find someone to watch her puppy. But, the stars aligned for this. Jack managed to swing sleeping over last night and tonight, and Nikki can come over tonight too.

The other bit of context is that I have a girlfriend now. I have a lot of feelings about it, and I can’t even begin to explain them, but just know that it’s not serious and the newness of it all is freaking me out to the point that I kind of feel like calling the whole thing off so I don’t have to get hurt. That’s a lot to throw at you, and maybe I’ll write a letter about her in the future, but not right now. Right now, I have a bigger problem.

The last bit of context that you need, that you kind of already know, is that I used to have feelings for Jack. I wrote to you years ago, when I was a freshman in college and using a different pen name, about how I loved him, how it broke my heart that he didn’t feel the same. My problem — the crisis — is that I don’t know if those feelings ever went away.

I need to start from the beginning.

I don’t remember exactly how it started. One day, Jack and I were in class together, and something made us laugh. Who knows what it was anymore? It’s not important. The point is that I knew, right then, that I loved him. We were laughing and I was looking at him, and I fell totally, completely silent while the sound still bloomed around me. I just looked at him and felt so scared, because I realized how I felt about him and didn’t know what to do.

I sat with that feeling for months, maybe more than a year if the dates of my old letters are anything to go off of. I didn’t want to ruin our friendship by confessing anything, and he had his own shit to deal with, so I refused to complicate things any further. The problem came when I went to a Halloween party on campus. It was something small, just five or six of us crammed into someone’s dorm, but I’d downed a good seven shots of blue raspberry vodka in the span of a few hours. I didn’t feel drunk, or even tipsy, but I guess it’d given me the courage (or impaired my thinking enough) to tell him how I felt. He was two hours away, and it was two in the morning. I was walking back to my building and the sky was so dark, the air so crisp. I can remember the blue light of my screen illuminating my face while I poured my heart out to him. Then, once I was back in my bed, I shut my phone off so I couldn’t see his reaction.

He was nice about it — he’s always nice — and said that he didn’t feel the same way, but that a possible relationship in the future wasn’t off the table. I remember being mad at him for that. I mean, not at first. Because, at first, all I could focus on was the fact that he said he could see us being together in the future. That giddiness lasted for a day or two, maybe longer, and then the frustration set in. The letters are still up, they’re really melodramatic to me, but I still think the emotions ring true. I was mad because he made me feel like there was hope, and I was mad because it would’ve been easier to move on if he’d just said it was never gonna happen. I wanted to move on, Charlie. Loving him hurt so bad, because I knew it’d never be requited, and I wished that I could’ve loved someone else. So, I was mad.

We kept talking, of course. It didn’t really make things awkward. At least, he never acted like it. Who’s to say how he actually felt? Maybe being around me was like pulling teeth. I don’t know. I won't ask. I sent more letters about him, what I wanted to say and why I could never bring myself to do it. After months of wildly swinging back and forth between pessimism and hope, Nikki’d had enough. She knew about the whole thing, and she was upset that Jack led me on about a potential future relationship (even though he hadn’t meant to). She made him settle things, and I wish I could remember exactly what he said. I want to say that he drew a line in the sand and told me that it wasn’t gonna happen, but I know I’m wrong. Regardless, he made it clear that I needed to move on. So, I did. It took a while, but, eventually, I was so far removed from any romantic feelings towards him that looking back on my old letters made me feel ridiculous, that I was wondering if it was actually love at all. I think it was. I look back on it and I still think it was. In some ways, it was the only time I ever truly loved someone like that.

The problem came last night. We were talking about a new show that I’ve been watching with him. It felt similar to the time I realized I loved him. There was this moment of silence — comfortable, easy silence — and I wanted him to lean in and kiss me. It felt like I got suckerpunched in the chest. I haven’t felt like that in years. It’s been two fucking years, Charlie, and I thought those feelings were gone.

I think the thing that scares me most is the thought that came after. I realized the thing that’d come to mind in the moment, that I wanted him to close the space between us and kiss me, that I wanted him to crawl into my bed and hold me while we slept. I realized it, and nothing about it felt wrong. It should feel wrong. I just wanted it so desperately, so much, that I entertained the idea and wondered what would happen if he actually did those things.

Then, I was scared. I was just absolutely horrified, and I still am. What if these feelings never went away? What if I just fooled myself into thinking I was over him? What if these feelings never disappear? What if I’ll always love him in some latent, repressed way? I wanted to text Nikki and ask for her help, but it was late and I felt embarrassed about telling her how something she thinks — I thought — we settled years ago. I’m glad I didn’t text her, because I think I would’ve rambled and made no sense, but I still want her advice. Maybe I’ll ask her for it once these next few days have passed.

I don’t know what to do, okay? I’m overwhelmed and I can’t stop thinking about it. I feel guilty, because I shouldn’t even be having thoughts like that. He’s my best friend, he has feelings for someone else, and I have a fucking girlfriend for fuck’s sake. I know that the fact I might still have feelings for him says enough about my relationship and where it’s headed. I think I’ll talk to my therapist before making any huge decisions like breaking up with her. What if this is just some weird, freak thing and I never think about Jack in that way again? What if I was just delirious and excited?

Sometimes, I’m scared I can’t tell the difference between platonic and romantic love. I know that I can tell the difference, but I still worry about it. I’ve fallen for a lot of my friends. I know you know that already. You’ve heard about Reise and Gabe, you haven’t heard about Maggie but I don’t even consider that a real relationship (not that I ever had a relationship with Reise or Gabe, nor would I say I actually loved them so much as had a crush on them). On some level, I think a lot of people fall for their best friends. I’ve heard tons of stories like that, of people who were childhood or college best friends that ended up getting married. On another level, I’m not sure if it’s normal. Maybe I’m overthinking it, but it feels like there might be a pattern. Maybe I like the appeal of already knowing someone and them knowing me before I fall in love with them. Though, I have to say, I definitely don’t think I’m in the minority on that one.

My biggest problem, among the many I have with this situation, is regarding my girlfriend. It’s really not fair to compare her to Jack, because they’re wildly different, but I can’t really help thinking about it. Lani is amazing. We matched on Bumble in December, spent months talking with a few breaks dispersed between, and officially got together a little more than two weeks ago. It’s not in any way serious, either. We’ve only managed to meet up in person the one time, and it was really awkward because we were both nervous. Lately, we haven’t been talking much because she’s been really depressed. I get it, because that’s why some of the months we were talking had breaks, because one of us was struggling with our mental health and couldn’t manage to communicate with anybody. I really like her. The group chat likes her too, she fits in well with my friends. She has so much in common with me too, sometimes it’s kind of hilarious.

I feel horrible about this next part.

A few days after we made things official, I started getting the urge to bail. It’s not because I don’t like her, because I do. It’s not because I don’t want a relationship, because (I think) I do. I’ve been trying to figure it out with my therapist. When I explain it to her, it usually goes like this: we don’t know each other super well yet, I’m still not sure if we have chemistry, and it’d be so much easier to not be in a relationship with anybody. It sounds really awful when I say it, I just mean that taking care of myself is something that I’m finally getting better at, and I don’t know if I’m capable of adding responsibility for another person’s feelings to the mix. Not that I’d even be responsible for her feelings. On some level, yeah, I would be, but not entirely.

There’s been this little voice in the back of my head that tells me to ruin everything and tell her I just want to be friends. I’ve gotten good at ignoring it, because I’m pretty sure it’s just my urge to self-sabotage any good thing that happens to me. And, maybe, that’s what this whole thing with Jack is about. Maybe my brain wants a reason to call things off with Lani, so it recycled old feelings with Jack to throw me off. I don’t think that’s it, but it’s a potential theory.

My therapist says that I don’t like change and I don’t want to get hurt. I know she’s right. I really fucking hate change, that’s not new for me. I don’t even like buying new clothes because it’d disturb the rotation of outfits I already wear (that being the same three t-shirts and five pairs of jeans). This is a really big change, alright? I admit that. I haven’t dated anyone in seven fucking years and the last time I had sex...well, I already told you the situation surrounding that in my last letter. As for getting hurt, I don’t want that either. Nobody wants that. I think the bigger issue is not wanting to be vulnerable. I don’t know if I like the idea of letting Lani get to know me in the ways my friends know me already. It took years to get to that point and I don’t like opening up about myself. That’s funny to me, because I’m so open with them now, but it’s also a little sad.

The problem is, I think I have to compare Jack and Lani. They’re so different, and it still isn’t fair, but it kind of puts a lot into perspective. Just to get it out of the way: gender doesn’t matter to me, it never mattered to me, and I don’t know if I ever mentioned that to you, but I’m saying it now (surprise!). This isn’t some thing about my sexuality being repressed and me feeling like I have to engage in compulsory heterosexuality by being with a woman, because I truly couldn’t give less of a shit about that. I think this might be about potential.

Right now, my relationship with Lani is new and uncharted territory. Things are awkward and I sometimes feel like I’m walking on eggshells to avoid screwing things up. It’s like that phase of a high school relationship where you’re both still trying to impress each other out of fear they’ll lose interest in you for being yourself. It’s fucking exhausting, and I don’t know how long we’ll be in that phase. She’s also beautiful. She’s really beautiful, and I’m attracted to her, but not in that way yet. The thing is, I don’t know if there will even be a yet, because I can’t picture it. What if I just never end up feeling that way about her? I worry about that a lot, and I’m not sure how much of that is from a lack of truly knowing each other or from what happened to me. I told her, pretty quickly after we made things official, that it was possible I’d never be able to have sex with someone again. She doesn’t care, of course. It’s not some dealbreaker for her. She understood my reasoning behind it after I explained and she wants to take things slow anyway, so sex wouldn’t even be on our horizon for a while regardless of my complicated relationship with it.

I keep circling back, but the issue — the crisis again — comes up when I compare her to Jack. We know each other so well. I’d dare to say, right now, that he probably knows me better than anybody (besides my sister or my cousin, Bella). I never have to worry about him not liking me when I act like myself and I never have to worry about not liking him when he acts like himself. We’ve been friends for so long that we’re never anything but ourselves, and that’s a really freeing feeling. I know it’s just because I’ve known him longer, so it isn’t fair to her to give him that credit, but it makes me feel less anxious, less tired, and I never felt like I had to censor myself with him, even when we just started talking.

Jack is beautiful too. I know he doesn’t feel that way, but everyone thinks it, especially now. He grew his hair out, and it kind of surprised everyone that he has curls. It really suits him, but I’m getting distracted. It makes me embarrassed to say this, but I have felt that way about him before. When I was in the full swing of it, when I used to write you letters, I actually had thoughts like that about him. Those thoughts weren’t all it was, but they came to be a part of it.

He knows what happened to me. He knows all of it. I’d broken down one night and started crying, telling him that I thought I’d been sexually assaulted and couldn’t remember all of the details. He was one of the main people, besides Reise or Bella, who helped me come to terms with it. It’s not a subject that comes up a lot, obviously, but it makes me feel better that I never have to explain. Something horrible happened and now my mind is stained because of it, and he understands.

So, what I’m about to say is really big, and it makes me feel like I’m rotten from the inside out — like I’m a stupid, heinous piece of shit. It makes me feel guilty and horrible and disgusting. I know that I’m disgusting, okay? You can think less of me for it, if you want.

If it ever got to that point, if we ever found ourselves in that situation, I think I could sleep with him. And I don’t mean that I fantasize about us having sex, or that I’m even at a place where I’d want to right now. I just mean that, if it happened, I know it wouldn’t send me spiraling.

Most of the time, when I think about the first time I’ll sleep with someone since my assault, I anticipate it ending in a total and complete disaster. I mean, for fuck’s sake, sometimes I can’t even touch myself without having a panic attack or feeling like his hands are around my throat again. I can’t even begin to imagine what would happen if I had sex again. There are times that I think I could do it, that I want to do it, and other times where I’m sure I would have a meltdown so bad that it would send me back to the hospital. I am a pendulum, and I swing wildly, back and forth, between those two feelings. So, please try to understand me when I say that this is no small admission.

He’d be careful with me. He’d make sure I was okay. He’d probably even be hesitant to do anything until he knew I was going to be one hundred percent okay. None of this is to say that Lani wouldn’t do those things either. I’m not saying I couldn’t grow to trust her like that, it’s just really difficult to grasp. I say that about him because I know, truly, that the last thing he’d ever want to do is hurt me (and, again, not saying that she would want to hurt me). Sometimes, and I hate myself for saying this, I think that he might be the only person I could sleep with after what happened to me. Sometimes, I want him to be that person. I wouldn’t trust anyone else to do it, and it’d mean that much more to me if my feelings toward sex would start to improve because of it. I know that’s horrible. You don’t need to tell me.

All of this makes me feel like I’m poisonous, like I’m a fucked up person who only ever hurts people. I don’t want to feel like this. I feel guilty thinking about Jack in any way more than a friend and then hanging out with him like things are normal. I feel even worse entertaining or acknowledging those thoughts when I have Lani. That’s why this scares me. And maybe it is just some weird, intensive thought. Maybe my brain just decided to throw that shit at me and see what I’d do. I don’t know, and it’s killing me. I don’t even want to know what will happen if those feelings keep up. I don’t want them to. It’ll just ruin everything.

I went out a few minutes ago to see if he was awake yet, and to ask if he wanted anything from the coffee shop my mom is headed to on her way home from getting my sister some balloons. He’s asleep on the couch. It’s 9:17 in the morning and the sun is peeking through the spaces between the slats of the blinds. Light dances, it rains down upon his face in warped lines. He’s smiling, albeit softly, even in his sleep, and he’s the most rested as I’ve ever seen him since he started his newest job (so, eight months). I was quiet when I walked into the living room, just in case he wasn’t up, and I felt seasick at the sight of him.

I read this book last week, the first one I’ve managed to sit through and finish in months. There was this line that really stuck out to me and, right then, it’s all my mind would give me. You know that feeling, when you're watching someone sleep and you feel overwhelmed with joy that they exist? It was all I could think of and it hit me like a freight train, so I turned around and walked straight back into my room without double checking to see if he was awake.

I can’t silently pine over him and act like things are fine. I can’t do that. I won’t. It was so fucking painful the last time and I don’t know if I can handle it again. The worst part about it was that I couldn’t talk to him about it! How was I supposed to vent about loving him and not being loved back without being totally obvious that I was talking about him? It really hurt to keep that secret from him and it ate me alive. It’d only feel worse the second time around.

I hope it’s a fluke. I hope I look back at this letter and chastise my past self for being ridiculous or overdramatic. I hope, even if it isn’t a fluke, that I can force those feelings out of me. I know it didn’t work before, that it took almost a year to get over him, if I did at all, but I hope it would this time. I don’t think my heart could take it otherwise.

I need advice, Charlie. I don’t know what to do. Please, please tell me what to do.

Love Always, Just Nick 06 | 15 | 21

#dear charlie #Just Nick

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perhapsitmaybedragons · 4 years

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Gorilla’s Day Off

Did I wait until the last minute to do my White Elephant? Yes. But I’ve been busy and at least I got it done. It is still 2020 in my time zone.

To read on ao3: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28470540

Side note: I always use Grigori Bobrov for the Gorilla’s name cause it feels rude to keep calling him Gorilla. I’ll update if they ever give us a canon name.

Or continue reading below:

Grigori Bobrov tapped his foot impatiently outside Gabriel Agreste's door. He wouldn't dare to do it in front of the man, but right now with no witnesses a little impertinence could be allowed. He rapped at the door and waited to be granted entrance. It was rare for him to be summoned directly to Gabriel's office, but here he was.

“Ah. You're here,” Nathalie was the one who had opened the door but it was Gabriel who was speaking. “It has come to my attention that you haven't used up any of your vacation days.”

Grigori said nothing. He rarely ever did.

“Nathalie is concerned,” Gabriel's eyes shifted away the way they so often did when he lied. It was so subtle that Grigori wondered if he was the only one who noticed it. Gabriel often did this, indicating to Grigori that he was a shifty man who couldn't be trusted. He realized he'd been zoning out and tuned himself in to the next words out of Gabriel's mouth, hoping the preceding ones hadn't been too important. “At any rate, at least take the rest of today off.”

Grigori fumbled for his cell phone to check Adrien's schedule.

“I already told you,” Gabriel snapped, “Adrien's schedule is clear today. He has nothing to do except practice piano later this afternoon. And,” now his attention was on Nathalie, “He will be closely monitored to make certain he is not sneaking out instead of playing.”

Grigori shrugged, accepting his fate. In truth if he hurried he could make it to the new toy release down town. Ideally he would have been in line hours ago. He was probably too late for the door prizes, but if he could snatch one of the last statuettes of Chat Noir and Ladybug he would call it a good day. He was also hoping to add Carapace to his collection – he had a few Rena Rouges already.

“Well, what are you just standing there for?” Gabriel once again snapped Grigori from his thoughts. “Go do whatever it is you want for today. I expect you back by tomorrow morning.”

Grigori nodded and set off, wondering if current traffic would make it better to drive or go on foot. It wasn't a long walk and for December the weather wasn't too bad. He wouldn't need more than a thin jacket and a scarf. After checking his phone and determining that walking would only take about twenty minutes longer he went to his room and got his jacket, scarf and decided to grab his mittens at the last minute. It could always end up colder than he was expecting, after all.

Now fully dressed he set off from the Agreste mansion, but nearly tripped as he stepped out of the gate.

“Not now, I -oh! Just who I wanted to see!” The young woman he'd nearly fallen over was clearly a superhero. But he wasn't familiar with her. She dressed in a similar manner to Ladybug and Chat Noir, but instead of a bug or cat theme she seemed to have a bunny thing going on. She cocked her head to the side and one of the rabbit ears on her head drooped down.

Grigori blinked at her.

“No time to explain – well, guess that's not technically true. I have all the time, but you don't. C'mon, into the portal.” She pulled a stop watch out of her pocket and clicked it. A portal opened up in front of Grigori. He was about to ask what it was and why he should trust her when she pushed him through. She was surprisingly strong for someone so small.

“Bunnyx, by the way. You'll know me later, probably. Except you know me now. So maybe that's changed? Time travel gets a little tricky, sorry. I'm used to it and I can handle it but it's harder to explain to someone.”

His only response was to pull out his wallet and show her the Dr Who emblem on the side.

“Ah. Well, yes, they get pretty close to explaining it, I suppose.” They had come to a room filled with multiple other portals. He instinctively closed his eyes and covered them with his hands. “Ah, you know it's best not to see the other paths. Knew I picked right! Okay, so then...ah, this one!”

He felt himself pushed again and stumbled forward, landing on his knees. He finally opened his eyes and pushed himself up, glancing around to see where or when Bunnyx had taken him. It was still Paris.

“That's who you went to grab?” Came an incredulous but familiar sounding voice. Chat Noir dropped down from a nearby lamppost.

“Just trust me,” Bunnyx insisted, grabbing Grigori by the sleeve and rushing him along after her. They came to a car parked in the middle of the street. It was parked on top of Ladybug – she didn't seem too put out considering her current situation. She mostly just seemed angry. “So, rundown – current villain of the week calls themselves Power Taker – stupid name, I know, but don't worry about that right now. Anyway, whatever they touch we can't touch without draining our powers. He touched the car, now Ladybug's strength doesn't work. She's already got her Lucky Charm, though. If we touch the car our powers stop working, and according to Ladybug if Chat Noir tries Cataclysm it's just going to drain that ability. All of us together aren't strong enough to lift the car without our powers.”

Well. That explained it, Grigori figured. Called out to help super heroes and it was just to move a car. This was like college all over again, when his friends only called him to help them move things. He rubbed his hands together, grabbed the bumper and started lifting the edge of the car. Ladybug scooted out from under it and Chat Noir appeared at her side almost immediately.

“Are you okay, my lady?”

“I'll be better when we beat this creep. Thank you, Gorill-...uh. Um.”

Figures even Ladybug called him by the Gorilla nickname. Grigori smiled, holding back a laugh. Her face was almost as red as her suit, just because she didn't know his name. He didn't mind the Gorilla nickname. And he was too busy chuckling to give her his real name.

“Grigori, his name's Grigori. Thank you,” Chat Noir explained. Grigori grunted at him, studying him. Chat Noir was taller now, and it was even more obvious to him than previously. How anyone didn't realize Adrien was Chat Noir was beyond Grigori's comprehension. He just patted Adri-Chat Noir on the shoulder and followed Bunnyx back through her time burrow.

“Thanks for your help!” Ladybug repeated. Grigori waved at her in acknowledgment before the burrow closed behind him. He once again found himself back on the streets of Paris in his own time, but now he seemed to be right outside of Cour de Récré, one of the biggest toy stores in the city. He frowned at Bunnyx, realizing since there was no line he must have missed out on the new sale. She shook her head at him.

“I checked and pulling these strings won't cause any problems. Check your phone.” He did as she asked. It was the morning. Early morning, three hours before Gabriel gave him the day off. He tried not to worry about that part, but since he knew Adrien was safe it was easier to let go of. He was lined up before anyone else. He grunted at her in a way he hoped appropriately conveyed his thanks. When his emotions got the better of him he often found it hard to speak.

She must have understood because she saluted him and said “You're welcome” before taking off in another time burrow.

Grigori stood there playing games on his phone as others started filing into place behind him. He turned his head when he caught sight of blond hair in the corner of his eye. Sure enough the person behind him was Adrien – in a very bad disguise. A trench coat, sunglasses and a red beret that Adrien had stuffed most of his hair into. But it seemed to be fooling most of the public, even if it wasn't working on Grigori.

“You here for Ladybug or for Chat Noir?” Totally Not Adrien asked him. In response, Grigori held up two fingers.

Totally Not Adrien nodded. “Yeah, me too. ...can you tell it's... uh...” he trailed off. Grigori nodded. “Thought so. You knew it was me the whole time, huh? Do you think anyone else can tell?” Grigori shook his head no, and Adrien let out a sigh of relief. “Wanna spend the day hanging out? I mean, after this, but before piano? We could watch...” Adrien studied him for a moment. “The Princess Bride.”

Grigori gave him a bright smile. It was one of his favorites. It always surprised him how perceptive Adrien could be about others, given how self-involved his father was. Grigori gave him a thumbs up.

“Great. You know... this is really embarrassing, but I don't think I've ever learned your real name...”

#@mlwritersguild #white elephant #Gorilla #miraculous ladybug #ladybug #humor #I think

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malakhai-ozera · 4 years

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Insatiable Collision || Khoman 💔

Discord thread featuring: Khai and Roman @romanbeckett

When: December 28th 2020

Mentions: Quentin & Aaron @aaronhart93

Description: Khai and Roman talk about about whats been going on between them. Khai finally admits he needs help and Roman confesses he has fallen in love with someone else. 😭

Trigger Warnings: Major whacks with the pain stick!!

Khai. Things between Roman and Khai had been so tense lately. Ever since their little lovers quarrel and finding out they had to move away from each other. Things just seemed to be so awkward for them. Of course they both still loved one another, and they feared loosing what they had between them. But with Khai’s current drug addiction, and Roman’s constant state of worrying about him. It was hard to see the light at the end of the tunnel. Khai never wanted this for Roman. It was never his intention to put such a heavy weight on his boyfriends shoulders. He knew he was the cause of all this tension and he so desperately wanted to fix it. He couldn’t bare knowing that he was the reason Roman was falling into a deep depression. All he ever wanted for his best friend was to make him happy and give him the love that he deserves. Now, sitting across from him at the dinning room table. He could feel the intensity of all his mistakes. He had to do this, he had to make this right. Not only for his sake but for Roman’s as well. It was time to let go, and even though just the thought of doing that hurt so damn bad. He knew it was the best thing for the both of them. He needed to get help, and admitting that he couldn’t do that on his own was eating him up inside. “So... I know things have been kinda tense between us... Awkward even. But...” he reached across the table to take his boyfriends hand in his own as he nervously licked his lips. “I know it’s my fault. I take full responsibility. I think we’ve been needing to talk about this for a while now, and I’m so sorry I’ve been pushing it off. I’m just... I never wanted to hurt you Roman. This is just really hard for me. I think I need help” he finally admitted out loud. His eyes glossing over as he gazed across his home cooked meal into his boyfriends eyes. “I can’t keep doing this to you. You deserve so much better.”

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Had Roman known that things between him and Khai were changing? He’d be stupid not to. It was something obvious that hung in the air like a dark cloud, a pending heartbreak that neither one of them wanted to admit out loud. So, when Khai reached for him across the table, Roman knew exactly what was going to say. Still, being prepared didn’t make it sting any less, loving someone else didn’t either. Regardless of what they were both going through, at the end of the day, this was his best friend, and the first person he’d ever loved. He’d be dead inside not to feel something. His gaze shifted from Khai’s intense hazel eyes when he admitted that Ro deserved better, something he wasn’t sure he believed, but it wasn’t going to change the outcome of this conversation. “Are you breaking up with me then?” He asked, staring down at his food that now just made his stomach turn.

Khai. The pain on Roman’s face was clear as day. He would have to be blind not to see it, and right now he kinda wished he was. Not that being blind would actually make this any easier. Roman was displaying a sheer reflection of exactly how he was feeling inside as well. He hated this so much, and he wished he could just simply erase everything bad that had happened and start over. “I...” he chocked out and then got up from his seat. Placing his napkin onto the table before making his way over to his boyfriend and kneeling down beside him. “Listen. This isn’t what I really want, okay?” He tried to keep his voice from shaking. But the lack of drugs in his system and the overwhelming emotions were truly making that hard. “I just don’t want to hurt you anymore, Roman. I fucked up, and I hate admitting that. But I really hate hurting you even more. It’s like... I made one stupid decision after another and I really don’t know how to fix it.” He looked down at their still joined hands and felt a single tear stream down his cheek. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this” his voice shook. “I don’t know why I thought I could handle this and still... “ he stopped talking and brought his free hand up to wipe the tears from his cheeks. Clearing his throat and trying to get a grasp on himself before speaking again. “You mean the world to me, Roman. You deserve someone who can put you before everything else, and love you despite their own addictions. I’m not saying I don’t love you, or that I’m not in love with you. I’m just trying to say, I love you enough to know I’m hurting you and to let go. I need help, and I don’t expect you to sit here and be miserable while I do that. We don’t need to be boyfriends to know how much we love each other. I’m always going to love you no matter what. You’re my best friend. My soul mate.” It took everything in him to get those words out and by the end he was practically sobbing. This hurt so much and he so badly wanted to change his mind. But he knew he couldn’t do that. Not if he wanted to salvage anything they had left.

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Roman was finding it hard to keep his emotions in check as Khai got up, and crouched down at his side. This beautiful man, so beautiful inside out, even despite his flaws, could make Roman feel so many things at once, all the fucking time. Their relationship had been nothing but a rollercoaster during its short span, but all the actor could really see now was his best friend who was hurting. He was being honest, something Roman had been struggling so hard to be. He had to respect that. “Khai.” The taller lifted a hand to cup his lover’s cheek, thumb running along the soft skin just below his eye as he too felt his eyes begin to water. “I’m glad you’re getting help. My main concern this whole time has been you, and your health. As long as you’re focusing on that, I’m okay.” Both of his hands were now at Khai’s jaw, thumbs trying to catch his tears as they fell. “I love you. I’m always gonna love you, and be here for you. I understand...and I’m not upset with you. Okay?” His breath shuttered as his watery green eyes were darting over Khai’s face. “I’m proud of you actually. Really fucking proud.”

Khai. Somehow even in the midst of all this, Roman was still able to carry him. He knew he was breaking his best friends heart, but here he was trying to comfort him. He leaned his head into Roman’s touch and closed his eyes as his tears continued to flow. His hands moving to hold desperately onto his friends wrists as he took a deep shaky breath. Opening his eyes once again as he looked deep into Roman’s teary orbs. “I know” he nodded. “...and I hate that I put you through any of this. I never meant to” he choked out. His thumbs rubbing the back of Romans hands as he tried to keep himself from crying any more. “I love you too. I love you so fucking much... and I’m so sorry. So so sorry.” He moved closer to his best friend and wrapped his arms around him. Holding onto him like it was the last chance he would ever get as he nuzzled his face into his chest to breath him in. “I don’t deserve you. But thank you” he whispered. Turning his head look up at his friend once more before forcing a soft smile. “I promise. I’m gonna get better and I’m still gonna marry you one day.”

❝𝓡✮м𝕒𝐍 ❜❜ Roman hated seeing Khai cry. It was probably the worst feeling he’d ever experienced. That sounded dramatic, but like...Roman Beckett was really damn dramatic. There was no shock there. However, when Khai mentioned that he was still going to marry him one day, Roman pulled his hands back just for a moment. Guilt. That was what he felt more than anything else, because he didn’t know if he’d be able to give that wish to Khai. He was in love with Quentin, and on top of that, he also had feelings for Aaron. He’d really gotten himself in a huge cluster fuck. “You don’t wanna marry me.” The actor heard himself say, as if he was hovering above his own body in the moment, watching this whole thing go down without any control over what happened.

Khai. The smile Khai felt becoming more real than forced was quickly wiped away when Roman pulled back. A state of confusion falling over him as he looked up at his best friend. “What? Of course I do” he said a blindsided. Why would Roman say that? Did he really think he didn’t want to? “I love you, Roman. Why wouldn’t I wanna marry you?” He wasn’t sure what was happening right now. But the look on Roman’s face was making him feel like maybe he fucked up more than he thought.

Roman. Roman shook his head, feeling the bile come up the back of his throat as his stomach seemed to be doing fucking acrobats. Why couldn’t this just be easy? Why couldn’t he let Khai break up with him without making it five times more complicated. Roman usually was so much better at conversing than this, seriously, he was disappointed in himself. “Khai I’m not as perfect and innocent here as you think. This isn’t all your fault.” Roman sucked in a deep breath before shaking his head, and closing his eyes. “Listen jus’ — focus on getting better, and I’ll be here every step of the way. Promise me you won’t give up on getting help, no matter how hard it gets. Okay? That’s all I want.”

Khai. These two definitely never made anything easy. Maybe that’s why they hit it off so well in the first place. They brought out a side of each other that no one else ever could. It was because of that deep connection that Khai knew Roman was holding something back. “Roman... I never said you were innocent. But you are perfect to me. Even with your flaws. They don’t matter. We all fuck up.” He pulled back himself and got to his feet as he stood beside his now ex boyfriend. Just looking down at him for a moment as his mind ran through all the possibilities of what could be going on here. “I won’t give up. I promise. I don’t even know who I am anymore and I really do wanna be better. Not just for you but for me too” he assured. His hand reaching out to caress Roman’s cheek as he continued to just kinda stare at him. “You fell in love with someone else didn’t you?” he asked calmly. It wasn’t even like he could really be mad about it. He was doing god knows what with god knows who while completely oblivious. Could he really expect Roman not to turn to someone else?

Roman. Roman kept his eyes closed while Khai stood and questioned him, ultimately letting a few more tears roll down his cheeks, and onto his lap. That loaded question, one that was weighing on him heavy enough to feel like it was crushing his chest, making it impossible to breathe. It was a lot, and something he didn’t honestly want to answer. His heart was racing, mind going numb from all of the overwhelmingly fast thoughts now forming in his mind. He didn’t want to hurt Khai. Ever. But, he’d been so honest with Roman, the least he could do is be transparent with him in return. “Yes. I fell in love with someone else.” The barista confirmed, choosing to look down at his lap as soon as his eyes opened, instead of face whatever expression was currently flashing across Khai’s face. “I didn’t mean to, I jus’...it happened, and I’m sorry. I’m so fucking sorry.” The man put his head in his hands, crying now more freely as everything hit him. He’d been trying to run from reality for so long, he was bound to take a long fall.

Khai. When Roman finally answered him, it did hurt. He could feel the knife being pushed into his heart and turning slowly. Roman couldn’t even look at him. He couldn’t blame him. That took a lot for him to admit, even Khai knew that. Roman wasn’t the type of person who would just run around purposely hurting people. So he knew his best friend really meant it when he said he didn’t mean to. “Babe...” he breathed out softly. Grabbing the back of Roman’s chair and pulling him back a bit from the table. He straddled himself over his lap and placed his hands over top of his to pull them from his face. “It’s okay. It sucks, yeah. But it’s okay. We both... we fucked up. Maybe we rushed into this. I don’t know. But what I do know, is I still love you. I’m always gonna love you. I just want you to happy. I wish so much it could have been me. But you always have me. Don’t cry. I promise it’s okay. I’m not mad.” He pulled Roman into his arms and just held him against his chest. Raking his fingers softly through his hair as he tried to comfort him. “Remember what I said? We don’t have to be boyfriends to know we love each other.. and you never know what the future might hold. Either way. You’re stuck with me for life.”

Roman. Roman didn’t expect Khai to be so understanding, to try and comfort him in a way he knew he didn’t deserve. Maybe he was right, they probably did rush into this, but he didn’t change how he felt about the smaller male. This was his first love, the first person to ever have his heart, and to bring him out of his shell enough to even attempt a relationship. He trusted Khai so fucking much, and that’s why it was so hard to let him go. “Trust me. I’m not complaining.” Roman managed to respond as he wrapped his arms around his friend, and pressed a cheek to his chest. “I love you, Khai. Always.” He whispered, voice hoarse from emotion as he squeezed his eyes shut once again to let out the last of his tears.

#chats:roman #chats:discord #{Roman Beckett ;; my peanut butter chocolate cake with Kool-Aid}#//THIS right here seriously made me CRY

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suffering-and-happy-about-it · 4 years

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A Man, a Woman, and a Child (Sriracha, Part 23.)

Description: A problematic college student gets the worst summer job of the ‘83 - Jim Hopper, the Chief of police in your hometown will have you as his secretary since his old lady Flo has two months lasting holiday. It was agreed so Hopper could let you far away from all the trouble.

Part Summary: Each one of you slowly starts to get a hold on the new family life you had to face. You even slowly stopped being angry with Hopper, which was the best possible outcome.

A/N: So, here, have some nice, sweet fluff before the angst takes over the next chapter.

Word count: 5.3 K

Tagging: @nemodoren, @creedslove

Master list: H E R E

It was a really slow process, to bond with Eleven in the way you did and wanted to. Not that you had some bad blood or whatever, you just really meant the thing with slow steps at a time. She was important to Jim, so there first needed to be some trust built before you could move on to become friends or something more.

And both of you really tried - you both put time into it, you cooked together and cleaned up the place together with Jim. While he was more of a Jim Croce guy, you brought along an old vinyl your granny gave you. It was the I Was Wondering / Where Evil Grows vinyl by the Poppy Family and you loved the second song particularly because it was somehow... You just never heard a song like that before.

When she heard it for the first time, she was mesmerized. This was certainly something way different than Jim’s guitar ballads - it was sung by a lady and it was free and there were so many sounds that shouldn't get along the way they did, but it sounded really good in the end. She still liked Nena and other pop artists you were playing better, but she watched as you two started to dance in front of her, singing the song by heart.

Your grandma loved it.

Hopper soon joined you with his completely outdated dance moves and Eleven just sat there on the chair, watching as he gently held your waist and how you giggled when he spun you a bit too fast. Suddenly, you came to her, taking her hand to yours, leading her to the improvised dancefloor as well. First, she was almost too freaked out from watching you two making complete fools out of yourself, but you made her move in the end.

And she loved the song ever since, listening to it when either of you was in the cabin with her, trying to dance to it. It was a bit groovy, but she liked it.

As time passed, Jim got less and less cautious about you spending time with them at the cabin, occasionally letting you stay throughout the whole weekend. It was a bit weird, being around the whole two days, watching how did they spend their time - but then Jim started to make you anticipate what was happening - like playing card and board games, the big cleaning up happening on Sunday and sometimes just... Talking.

And the first sign of you and Eleven breaking the ice came by pretty soon - she wanted to read you a bedtime story again. Jim was standing behind the door from the start, ready to step in if Eleven has some questions at you.

But she never did. She was just enjoying your presence - since you were a woman and you were giving her the feeling of having an actual mother figure around.

Slowly, Jim allowed you to teach Eleven some actual English so she wouldn't speak in words only. You decided to teach her the basic phrases first - like saying hello and good morning, teaching her when to say please and to thank the person afterward. She was a fast learner - in the nights, she caught your palm, leading her to her room as she said goodnight to Hopper, kissing his beardy cheek, making you do the same. If she had to behave and learn things, you both had to learn alongside her, mirroring the things you taught her.

She was interested in the girly things as well - when you were putting some light make-up in the morning, she always watched the whole process - she watched the way you put mascara on your eyelashes and some lip balm. You always made sure to give her some as well, making her giggle every time since it was such a strange feeling.

But the thing Eleven was most amazed by was when you decided to do yourself some hairstyle. It could be only a quick ponytail or bun, or an intricate French braid; she watched every move with pure amazement. Her mouth was opened up and her eyes were shining when she watched you.

Just as you were becoming a huge part of Eleven's life, and Jim's as well, some boundaries need to be set straight - Jim talked with Eleven, telling her that you can't know anything about the Lab, the Demogorgons, her powers, the gate... You had to be blind around these things. It wasn't that Jim didn't want to tell you - he made it so he could keep you safe.

The fewer people knew about what happened, the better - and Jim didn't want to put you in such a dangerous position. You were aware that Eleven is a secret and you never talked to anyone about her. Nobody in the town knew, except Flo and you, where does Jim live or what's he doing there. You made sure not to tell anyone.

One weekend, it was the third weekend of you staying in the cabin, a huge box in the middle of the living room surprised you. You stood there, it was around noon, watching both Eleven and Jim. She was excited and you could see that, yet you were partially scared about their surprise.

"Okay, what do you two have for me here, hm?" - You asked and put your sports bag down to look at the box. Eleven looked at Jim and he nodded, allowing her to tell you.

"A surprise." - El tapped the top of the box with her fingers, thinking about what to say next. She was slowly getting better and better - she could at least sometimes speak in whole sentences when she was in the mood. - "A promise." - She looked you in the eyes and you nodded, kneeling to look into the box.

"I am a man of my word, you know?" - Jim kneeled down next to you as well, helping you with the unpacking. You were looking at a serious lot of planks and wood, small and big screws and nails... Was it the bed he promised you? You smiled at him, shaking your head as you laughed silently.

"A bed. Wow. I'm honored, Mr. Hopper." - You whispered. You wanted to kiss him, badly. You wanted to catch his jaw in your palm and just give him a smooch. But that would be way out of boundaries. Jim asked you about keeping this more affectionate behavior out of Eleven's presence - you were allowed to suck the hell out of him in the town, you could get lost in his quiet humming in the bedroom but when Eleven could see you in action, you could barely touch him.

Holding hands and occasional cheek kisses were okay, but nothing more.

"I thought we can build it together, you, me and El. As a family, if you will." - He said quietly when Eleven ran off to fetch his screwdrivers and hammer. That caught your attention - you turned your face to him, standing up.

A family. He never talked about you as a family. Eleven was his family and you were his family, but separately. Not as a whole. This was the first time he called you family as a whole since he knew you would be quite comfortable with hearing such a thing at that moment. He also had a thing planned out you didn't yet know about, that was for sure.

"Are you for real?" - You whispered, hugging his waist with one of your arms. The man hugged your shoulder back and nodded, looking a bit... Softened. The man next to you softened just like that. Eleven just smiled when she saw you hugging in the living room, putting the things Hopper needed down on the ground.

You spent a whole day building that bed in the bedroom, which you made Jim clean up when you were gone. Any of you didn't know what the hell you are supposed to do with it, but Jim put in his best efforts. Eleven was running around with the smallest screws and nails - she clearly didn't know what's that for, so you waved at her, inviting her to sit down between your knees as you both watched Hopper mumbling various curse words. She held it in her palms and laughed at the sight of mildly infuriated Hopper. For an unknown reason, she caught your arm and made you hug her even tighter.

It took a hell of a long time, but at nine p.m., the construction was ready. The bed was looking really nice - it was modern and looking fresh. Eleven has fallen asleep around half past eight in your arms. More or less, Hopper had built the bed all by himself and when it was finished, he picked up Eleven and brought her to her bed, tugging her in. While Hopper had been gone, you picked up the rest of the things that hadn't been used anywhere. Which was kind of scary; you trusted Hopper, you did, but these things were meant to be mantled somewhere in the bed.

You were worried that it just breaks down under you in the middle of the night and it was a rather scary thought creeping in your mind.

"Nice bed you have here, mister." - You said when he came back into the room, cleaning up the last tools laying on the ground. - "But where's a new mattress? You still kept the one where we both barely fit."

"I got you a bed, the rest will come with time." - Hopper hummed back and you nodded with a bit closed eyes. Sure. He just forgot again, didn't he? That was typical Hopper. - "The clerk told me it doesn't creak. What do you say about that?" - Hopper sat down and put his elbows on his knees. The bed didn't make a single sound. And it hadn't broken down either.

"And what should I take our of that?" - You put your hands on your hips and walked a few steps closer to him teasingly.

"That the bed doesn't make a sound." - He rose his eyebrows and you came just in front of him, so close that he could touch you. And he indeed put his hand on your thigh. You almost didn't remember how passion felt. Hopper hadn't touched you in ages, except occasional eating out session, which was so rare, that you couldn't grasp any feeling out of that.

He hadn't been inside you in months. Literal months - in December, January, and February, he wasn't there at all. Most of March, you spent with El and stayed overnight only occasionally. And when you did, you slept either on the couch or you slept next to him, but you acted like five-year-olds. If there was an actual chance to get it on when Eleven was asleep, you were up for it. You were horny as hell when you thought about it. Just as a couple of teenagers.

"And do you want to show me by any chance, big guy?" - You asked and ruffled his hair a bit, tugging it playfully. Hopper leaned you in, so he could bury his face into your belly.

"Dear God, you don't even know how much I've thought about showin' you how quiet is this new bed. Take 'em off, come on." - He looked at you. You took a quick breath in and listened to the quiet house for a little longer before you started to tugged your sweatpants down a bit. Immediately, you could feel his fingers putting your t-shirt a bit up. - "You're goin' to be the death of me, baby, I swear." - He mumbled and kissed a small way between your boobs. It was a wet trail leading down, just a small bit above the hem of your panties. You didn't even realize that your eyes are closed, that your breath is heavy and that you're ridiculously wet under the panties.

You realized once he stopped and the trail of kisses coldened since he stopped with the kissing. You smiled when you saw him looking at you with an adoring look. Jim was looking at you like he had never seen a naked woman before. Let alone seeing you naked.

"What are you after, Jim Hopper?" - You whispered with a smile and sat down on the bed, tugging his hips between your spread legs, slowly laying down. - "What on Earth are you after?"

"You're speakin' about me like I'm a goddamn mystery, are you okay?" - James asked while he however about above you with a sweet smile on his lips.

"I always wanted to tell you that you're a mystery and so fucking full of trouble." - You moaned and unbuttoned his shirt quickly. Hopper wanted to tell you something, but you pressed your lips onto him to shut him up. - "But that's exactly what made me fall in love because nothing is turning me on than trouble, you idiot." - You smiled and moaned into his lips and let the night carry you both on the same wave.

Jim had to leave the cabin for two whole days after that, so you took a small holiday off from your job and college so Eleven wouldn't stay alone. She was in pure wonder. Hopper never stayed there on weekdays - he always left early in the morning and came at 8-1-5. Now, you were there, for the whole time.

She could come to you, talk to you, ask you about things, watch movies with you and listen to music with you. And she loved every while of it because she didn't have to alone. She loved it when you just hugged her suddenly or smoothed her shoulder. Or when you both sat above an opened book - it was quite interesting to learn new words and read new books with you.

The evening before Hopper was supposed to get back, you were reading Eleven a bedtime story about the bear family. This time, it didn't seem to calm Eleven down in any way - this time, it seemed that it brought her more questions than answers.

"Okay, sweetheart." - You suddenly closed the book and furrowed at her a bit. She opened up her big eyes even more than before, watching you. The bedtime story wasn't over, why were you speaking to her?

"What's going on inside your head, hm?" - You smoothed the tip of her nose with your finger and smiled. - "You're thinking about something. What's that about?"

Eleven shook her head a bit and you nodded understandingly. - "So, if you tell me what's wrong, I'll get you an Eggo, will that make you talk?" - You smiled even more wickedly, raising your eyebrows at her. Her lips put on an even bigger smile and she nodded. - "Go on, then."

"I'm thinking about mom." - She said quietly and you stiffened for a second. This was a tricky situation, per se. She gave you her hand when you offered him yours. You held it tightly.

"And what with moms are you thinking about?" - You asked after you watched Eleven looking at your palms for a second. She took a long breath in, thinking about the answer.

"Hopper told me that I have a mom. I asked." - She looked you in the eyes and honestly, you were a bit scared about what was coming your way. She was tearing up a bit as she tried to think about the sentence that she wanted to say next. - "Who is she?"

You had no answer to her question, but you didn't want to see her cry. She was too precious for any of that bullshit. She had Jim and you, she was yours just as you were hers. That's what was going on.

But unfortunately, even Eleven had to have a mom somewhere. You didn't know who or where she was, you had no idea what happened between her and someone that was so drastic that she had to leave Eleven. You couldn't explain any of this to that girl even if that was what you'd like to do the most in the whole world.

"Don't cry. Come on." - You whispered and held her hand even tighter for a small moment. - "You have nothing to worry about now, okay?" - You rose her gentle palm to your lips and kissed it gently. She gave you a terrifying look and after a small while, she nodded.

But then the biggest shock of the whole evening came. She just spilled the question out as if nothing was happening. It came all of a sudden.

"Are you my mom?" - Eleven asked abruptly. You furrowed and licked your lips, looking that child in her eyes. This was such a hard question to answer without being on one side of the whole thing. You were taking care of her for the last month and a half. Of course, you had some feelings for her that could be described as motherly. You weren't the one to answer this question, yet you did.

You nodded and smiled, smoothing her palm with your fingers. She had such small, gentle palms. - "Yes, baby, I'm your mom." - You whispered. What were you doing? What on Earth were you doing? You weren't her mom. She had a mother somewhere out there.

Yet, you got up and brought her the frozen Eggo you promised her before climbing on the bed next to her, hugging her and bringing her closer next to you. She fell asleep this time in no time at all, gently snorting into your shoulder, she hadn't even eaten the Eggo.

You fell asleep next to her, holding her in your arms. Hopper almost melted at the sight, when he arrived home the other day, bringing the new mattress with him. His girls were safe and well, just as he hoped for. But unfortunately, Hopper opening the door had woken you up.

"You're home already?" - You mumbled and gently let her go to get up from the bed. - "I think the bedtime story had brought me some sleep as well." - You giggled and closed the door behind both of you. Immediately, you went for a sleepy hug, since you missed his scent and tall body next to yours, before tugging his shirt to kiss him.

"How were things going here?" - Hopper asked and let you go to start brewing the morning coffee. In the meantime, you brushed your teeth and combed your hair.

"It was fine. We finished the animal chapter in that book she has, had cooked something, watched movies... It was nice. But she did something I didn't expect." - You mumbled and took a mug full of coffee out of his hands.

"What happened?" - Hopper asked with horror in his voice. Did Eleven said something weird that freaked you out? Did she did something that manifested her powers and you noticed it? Did you know the secret?

"Calm down, it's just a... It's a really important thing for me. She asked me if I'm her mom." - You said and looked him in the eyes. That wasn't as bad as Hopper expected, but obviously, it was emotionally important to you.

"She did?" - Hopper exhaled slowly. The relationship between you and Eleven was growing strong. Now, he believed it. It was natural that you got more closer to her than Jim from a different point of few. But he at the moment he really understood how deep that relationship went in a month only. - "And what did you tell her?"

"What should I tell her, Jim? I took care of her for the last month, she's a little girl that needs a warm hug and a bit of love. Of course, I told her that I am her mom." - You looked him in the eyes and held his palm in yours. You knew he's worried out of his mind for both you and her. But there wasn't anything to be worried about. - "Hey. Don't you give me this look, Jim? I'm serious with you and her. And to be honest, if you're her dad than I can take the role of her mom. It's my only remaining option if I want to stick around."

"You could say no." - Hopper answered and caught your palm once again. You shooked your head and smiled a bit.

"I couldn't, Jim. She was crying and vulnerable, which made me soften as well." - You explained quietly and Hopper nodded. He knew that he can believe you. You weren't a liar and you didn't mean to stick around, you would be far gone at the moment. You meant every word you said. That was when Hopper finally made his decision. It was a now or never situation.

"Do you think you can stop at the station after you're done at the college on Monday?" - He looked you in the eyes and you rose your eyebrows playfully.

"A quickie in the bathroom? Exciting and adventurous, we never have done this." - You answered back and drank the rest of your coffee. Hopper chuckled at the thoughts about what you just put on the table. - “I need to go now, we’ll be helping grandma move around some furniture today. See you on Monday, then?” - You took the already packed bag out of the bedroom. Jim nodded and watched your car leave the driveway.

When he got up on Monday morning, he spent way more time in the bathroom than he usually did - which, accompanied by You Don't Mess Around With Jim, didn't escaped Eleven's attention.

“What are you doing?” - She asked and pushed her head into the door of the bathroom and watched Jim trimming his beard. He was acting weird and she could sense it right away.

“What do you mean, kiddo?” - He asked back with half of his face covered in shaving cream. She pointed at him, raising her eyebrow slightly.

“Not normal.” - She mumbled and waited for an answer, but left the room once she figured out that she most likely won't get any. She watched him while she ate breakfast. There was something off as he put the short-sleeved uniform on. He was nervous and sweaty. Could something go wrong with you? Were you all alright? Jim made Eleven really nervous.

“I'll be back here, as usual, kiddo, clean up the place, alrite?” - He looked at her when he put the typical hat on. Eleven looked into her bowl before nodding again. - “Stay safe.” - He mumbled and closed the door. Eleven went to the door and locked it behind Hopper, looking at the empty cabin once again.

Let's say that Hopper could concentrate for shit the whole day. Everyone thought that maybe something went wrong with you or something like that. Powell even told him to stay at the station for the sake of it, venturing out to look at old Henderson’s garden and his ever going missing gnomes. It was half-past ten when he called the Melvald’s.

“Jeffrey on the line, Melvald’s general store, Hawkins, what can I do for you?” - A voice of a young man answered with a clear fuck-off manner, but Jim just ignored that.

“May I speak to Joyce? Is she there?” - Hopper asked and listened to the bits of conversation going on while Jeffrey was giving Joyce the phone.

“Hopper, what’s going on?” - She asked with a lighthearted tone. Hopper bit his lip and exhaled loudly, leaning into his chair. - “It’s here?” - She asked.

“It's here.” - Hopper said nervously and Joyce walked further away from her colleagues.

“Come on. You should relax, it's going to be fine. You're already doing great.” - She tried to calm him down, but Hopper just exhaled again.

“No, Joyce, this is not goin’ good. What if she says no? And what the hell I'm supposed to tell her?” - Hopper looked in front of himself and waited for anything that Joyce was about to tell him.

"Look, Hop, do you want me to help? I think I can help you with all of this. The first thing you need to do is to calm down. You're panicking a bit too much." - She laughed from the other side, telling Hopper to light up a cig, take a pen and a piece of paper.

You came by around two p.m., walking into the building with a bag over your shoulder. You were looking healthy and just fine, so no-one really knew why Hopper was so out of the world. Could there be something else wrong? We're you pregnant or severely ill? Were you about to die in a horrendous death? No matter what happened to you, everyone was watching you as a saint.

"Am I dirty or something?" - You mumbled to Flo, watching Powell and Callahan watching you. You furrowed at the two boys, putting the cake you brought them on a small cabinet under the window. She just shook her head, still watching every move you made.

"What have you do with him?" - Powell joined you on your way to his office. You were even more confused than before.

"Is something wrong with him?" - You asked worriedly and let Callahan join you as well on the way to Jim’s office. Both of the men were suspiciously staring you down.

"You tell us. He's on the edge of breaking down the whole day." - Callahan muttered out and jumped when Hopper suddenly manifested in front of the small hall leading into his office. Both of them nodded to Jim and turned around to go back to their desks.

"Shall we?" - Jim said with a stiffed smile and sent a rather unpleasant look to his colleagues. You looked at the colleagues as well, being completely terrified of Jim. He rearranged his beard, you could smell cologne and he certainly has done something to his hair.

“You're freaking me out, Jim. Why did Callahan and Powell act as if I was supposed to be rolled over by a car or dead? And why do you wear cologne?” - You closed the door behind you and sat down into the plushy chair. Hopper did look like he's about to break down in front of you and you were a bit freaked out.

You could see him looking at a piece of paper with word chaotically written all over it - Jim was about to tell you something, obviously, so you straightened up and listened with a blush on your cheeks. This man was certainly something else as far as you could say.

“I don't have an idea of how should I start.” - Jim looked at you with panic in his face, clearly being even more freaked out than you. You nodded and waited for what he wanted to tell you. - “But I know that I don't want to lose you.” - He looked at you and you nodded. This was just weirdly going uphill and downhill.

“You are not losing me.” - You said with a smile. Was all of this about Eleven again? You swore to God that if he's about to do some of his jealousy theatrics, you're out of the office in the next second.

“Let me say, we had a wild start. And I still don't believe it’s nine months since it all happened.” - He looked at you from his paper suddenly, making you stare back at him. He surely was about to have some kind of speech and the unknown was making you nervous and uncomfortable. He was getting up.

Weren't you supposed to try out a quickie in the damn bathroom?

“You repeated me a lot of times that I'm a mess. And I am one, I felt like I really didn't... You know, have my place anywhere in Hawkins or let alone, the whole world. I was a junkie and an alcoholic with a bad temper, which Impartially even today, but you managed to make the things better.” - Jim stood up in front of the plushy chair. Somehow, you were hilarious at that moment, since you looked like a deer in the headlights, ready to pass out or run away at any given chance.

Your eyes were widening with every step he took. And you, my dear, started officially panicking at that moment.

“What are you talking about?” - You mumbled back and watched what he was doing; step after step, word by word.

“Be quiet for a moment, will you?” - Hopper asked and closed his eyes to contain himself and probably, to think about the next words he wanted to tell you. You just nodded looked him in the eyes again. - “And then she came by. And everything was like a fuckin’ rollercoaster if you know what I mean. I sorta expected you to run away as soon as you get to know, but to my surprised, you stayed there. And that was the moment I told myself Damn, this woman is really somethin’ else.”

And at that moment you just stopped everything when he got on his knee. Was this... Did he... You weren't capable of finishing any normal sentence no matter how hard you tried to. You just leaned in and gulped with your heart beating.

“And to be honest, from that moment on, I'm just wonderin’ about one small thing’. And its been buggin’ me off a lot recently.” - Jim took your hand in his and looked you in the eyes. You still were internally panicking. - “Since we already kinda have a child together...” - He mumbled as a joke and it made you chuckle. - “Would you be up to marry me by any chance?” - The man asked quietly. You opened up your lips, but nothing came out as you were looking at him.

There was a long moment of silence when your brain was processing everything that was going on at the moment. You were panicking, freaking out and excited. Even a bit terrified. It happened just like that, nobody could prepare you for a question like that.

And that jackass even put it up like a casual dinner offer. There was no Will you marry me? or Do you want to spend the rest of your life by my side? No. He just asked if you're up for marriage. This thing was so Hopper that it hurt. But that was what you loved about that jackass.

“I guess I am if you're up for it as well.” - You laughed as you started to cry, kissing him with a big smile. You certainly didn't expect that the man who is kneeling will pick you up and turn around. But it made you laugh. After a ton of necessary kisses, you looked him in the eyes.

“You didn't write the speech by yourself, did you?” - You asked quietly, looking at the small silver ring on your finger. It was quite heavy, but you knew that it will go away with time. Hopper bit his lower lip, looking away from you. - “But Joyce did a pretty good job at making me cry, I need to say. But by any chance...” - You whispered and locked the door.

“Are you up for a quickie in your office, since the bathroom didn't quite play out?” - You wondered, already taking the jeans off.

And at that moment, Hopper did know that he wasn't wrong with proposing to you.

#jim hopper #jim hopper imagine #jim hopper x reader #james jim hopper #jim hopper stranger things #stranger things netflix #eleven #eleven stranger things #jane ives #jane hopper #we stan this man and this relationship

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jaypelt · 4 years

Text

Cheers for Five Years of Undertale, and its Everlasting Effect on Me

Been a while since I’ve done one of these... I might even be rusty at it! Honestly, what I’ve got right now are more vague thoughts than coherent words in my head. I wasn’t sure if I’d even do this, since I felt it wasn’t entirely necessary. Everybody had so much to say! But spurned on by the display of someone very close to me, the cogs in my head couldn’t help but start turning for me too. So here I am. This isn’t going to be easy, though. Because if you read this, I need you to understand the depth of my feelings. Even if just a little. So I’ll do my best to bare my heart yet again, for the sake of it and everything its done for me. Everything it’ll keep doing for me.

The beginning is usually always one of the hardest parts. A blank space devoid of anything, that you’ve got to somehow miraculously fill with thoughts somebody else could understand. But Undertale is rarely a subject I ever have to struggle so much with. It’s been a long, long five years.

This is re-treading old ground that a number of those who know me are already familiar with, however, I don’t think this would be complete without it. But it will get very, VERY personal. If you’re not comfortable with that, then uh... giving you another warning now. But pushing forward...

Right before UT came out, I hadn’t begun to really unravel quite yet. But I was very close. It was somewhat of a rough transitional period as I moved on from my middle school to high, losing very dear IRL friends and generally continuing to struggle with school, as I had been for years. Untreated ADHD is real nasty. But I’d always had at least some friends, either online, or ones I made throughout the year, to rely on. And I didn’t really think about things. The start of this school year was no different. Even having a... perhaps questionable choice of boyfriend, but, well, he was my first.

I struggled with just about every aspect of school from basically the start, but having a small group, and especially an online partner to come home to everyday, helped me at least get through. In the coming months, however, I’d start to encounter more turbulence. Through aforementioned partner, I met someone who’d come to rely on me far more than he should have. Made even worse by the fact that he was a full grown adult while I was only 14, which will be a recurring trend. And has been for most of my life.

We hit it off pretty quickly, becoming good friends and talking to each other outside of mutual friend spaces. And through that, he started to open up about his problems. Living with a family that treated him poorly, suicidal urges, and particularly, an abusive boyfriend. If you know me well, I’ve probably definitely talked about this at least a little.

My daily routine starting becoming supporting this person through all of his troubles. Sitting in skype calls or exchanging messages for hours at a time on the daily. Rarely did a day go by where I didn’t, slowly sinking into an apathetic pit from overextending myself for the sake of his mental health. I couldn’t even help him improve, all I could do was just try to keep him alive. Which, well, I did. For months.

Everything else fell to the wayside as I was constantly stressed about the life of someone I cared about. Obviously my school life suffered even further. I grew withdrawn from everyone, and kept only to the few online friends I had. However, in the midst of this downward spiral, just before the ball really got rolling, a certain game came out. Exactly a month after it had come out, October 15th, 2015, I’d become interested after all the talk on tumblr about Undertale.

After watching a playthrough on youtube(I didn’t play for myself at first, a pity), It’d personally resonated so strongly and gotten me so hooked that it was something I invested a fair amount of my time into consuming content about. I grew super attached to all these characters that’d made me laugh, smile, cry... just this whole spectrum of emotions. And someone in particular, Alphys, really caught my attention after things had begun to get worse.

She felt so... relatable, though I couldn’t possibly tell you all the reasons. When I think about it, we’re not really the most similar, but something about her just hooked me. Maybe because she had all these things going on that nobody knew about. And that she lied. And felt so anxious interacting with anyone after she’d previously been much warmer and closer. That she was closer to “disappearing” than she seemed.

Whatever the reasons, the months moving further along, consuming content about UT practically became my lifeline. I reblogged heaps and heaps of posts about it, watched videos, listened to the soundtrack, even started drawing because I’d been so inspired. When I was just stuck in this horrible pit of second-hand depression, it was the one thing that still made me happy. I started to really think about why it mattered to me and how. It’s funny, I’d read books obsessively for years before then, but UT was the thing that really got me thinking. It was all downhill from there, I tell you. Now I’m an artist and a writer. Horrific.

But, unfortunately, for all its good... it couldn’t stop what was to come. I was still getting worse and worse, with no end in sight. I’d already been supporting... let’s call him Phil, for a few months. And in December of that year, my boyfriend completely dropped off the grid for a while. I’d see him appear online sometimes and I’d message him, but no response, then right back to offline. Finally, he came back, approaching me with something he obviously was uncomfortable about.

To make a long story short, he’d come to the conclusion that he was straight, and decided to end the relationship. What’s bad is that... honestly? I was already doing so poorly that I had a hard time caring. But we did pretty much stop talking, and I leaned into Undertale all the more. Anyway, time continued to pass. Not without its few ups, and mostly downs. I got used to being called “mature”, usually followed by “especially for your age.” “Phil” told me that if I were legal, he’d date me. I’ve got a crippling fear of screwing up with people that’s stuck with me to this day, after a few occasions involving him. I considered doing some... not so great things to myself. Thankfully, I was always so averse to physical pain that it didn’t become anything extreme.

As for the few ups, there was “Phil” finally managing to leave his abusive relationship, when he’d tried previously and fallen into such a bad depressive episode I had to talk him down. So that was something. He’d even started going to therapy after the second break up.

Not that it did a whole lot. The school year began approaching its end and nothing had really changed. I’d been going through all the same motions for around half a year or more. My sleep was terrible, I was passing almost none of my classes, had practically no friends to speak of, and just felt... tired. All the time. But during this... the minute beginning of a monumental shift started. Another character in UT had begun to clutch me in his grasp. Even more strongly than Alphys. Flowey. Through the posts a singular person on tumblr had made about him and my experience with the geno run, I came to understand the dumb little flower more. Which is also funny, because he was previously my least favorite. Even, yes, after the Asriel reveal.

I’m having a difficult time weaving together this convoluted timeline of events, but it was around... perhaps March or early April that the person whom I’d been supporting for almost a full fucking year completely disappeared. Without a word. The one thing I’d tried to stick to for so long was just. Gone. So I drifted about with, well, no purpose.

By the end of the school year, it probably goes without saying that I was... not doing great. But one those aforementioned acquaintances I’d only just started to become actual friends with came forth to me with a question. That being if there was some way for us to keep contact during the summer. So I gave her my email, which would turn out to be a decision that saved my life. Because things would only get worse before they got better.

This is getting to be way, way, way too long. So to summarize, summertime came around and I’d been in pretty close contact with... I’ll just call her V. She was... well, unlike anyone I’d ever known. Someone who stood out with the intelligence you could just see in their eyes. Outgoing, charismatic, compassionate... all those sorts of things. We were opposites in a lot of ways. Or, at least, it felt like it.

Some things happened, like “Phil” coming back after months of nothing. Me immediately slotting back into my role of being a pillar of support, but then screwing up and hating myself for it. But honestly, that ain’t shit to the rest of the whole shitshow.

For a bit of context, my parents are divorced. So for most of the previous years, I’d been going to my mom’s place during the summer and staying with her the whole time, to make up for how rarely we’d see each other otherwise. That year... she was beginning to run low on money. She lived next to my granny, but still basically alone, compared to how she’d been staying with someone else in hotels for the few prior years.

After learning she didn’t have enough to pay rent and might be kicked out, she tried to appeal to her mom, who said she wouldn’t let her stay. Why? I don’t know. After that, she spiraled into a panic. And, well, the ever faithful little worker bee, I stepped forward to try and console her in any way I could. She seemed to recompose, at least a little. It wasn’t great, and she thought she’d have to do some unsavory things in order to survive, but... I thought that, just maybe, I’d done something.

But... later that night, she started drinking. Which... well, put her in a mood. Exacerbated by the day’s earlier events and the fact that she was taking medication that responded poorly to alcohol. She came over to where I was sitting, my little makeshift desk I’d put together to set up my desktop, with my little sister just in the other room. Just... a warning for this next part, it’s... grim. More grim than anything else in this thread.

She proceeded to tell me she was going to go upstairs and grab the gun my granny kept in her room. And berated me for thinking I’d done anything to help, saying she “wasn’t like my little friends” that I could simply talk to. With that, she walked away, heading upstairs. I don’t think I’ve ever felt so crushed in my entire life, to this day. I broke down crying, sitting in that chair.

Yet, somehow, I managed to stop when I saw her coming back down. She walked back over, pointed the gun at her head, and told me to give her a reason she shouldn’t do it. And also to this day, I.... still don’t know if I said what was right. It was all I could think of. I quietly told her that if she did it, I’d pick that gun up and do it to myself. Same as her. And I asked if she wanted to be responsible for that.

It was true, too. By that point, I didn’t care anymore.

And if there’s one thing I can say about her, it’s that she’s always cared about me. In a horrible, twisted way especially, that night. It was enough to make her silently pull the gun down, go back upstairs, and put it away. One last time... she came down, walked past me to the front door and simply said “I love you.” before going out to sit on the porch.

I’m not sure I’ll ever truly get over the events of that night. I spoke to V afterwards, as I’d been keeping in regular contact, as I said. And even been speaking to her throughout the day about what was happening. I think she was panicking just as much as I had been, and told me to go find the gun and unload it. So I did. Bawling my eyes out the whole damn time. Afterwards, I took the bullets and threw them in the large neighborhood garbage can.

The rest of the night’s a blur. I don’t recall if anything else happened, I just remember waking up tired the next day. My uncle was in the house, as he’d been staying with my granny for a while, but hadn’t been around the night before. I tried to talk to him, but.. couldn’t bring myself to open up. Even though we were pretty close. I went back to my dad’s.

That wasn’t the end of it, either. For the next coming months, I’d get drunken calls and live in fear of being put right back in the same situation. It got so bad that I stopped answering my phone altogether. I broke contact with my mom entirely. I still hate answering or making calls.

Anyway, a few other things happened in the summer, like my applying for online courses. And the subsequent ridicule from my dad’s side of the family for the decision. Tell you what, the stress of taking a test to try and join that online program, then going to golden corral and having to struggle to not cry in front of everyone there was... not the ideal way to spend a birthday. Happy 15 years to me.

So.... that was that. I still went through with online courses and everything kind of... slowed to a crawl. I tried to do school work, but depression and still yet untreated ADHD prevented me from making any substantial progress beyond a few finished classes. For a while I simply... existed in a limbo. All I did was get up, get on my computer, maybe talk to a few people, and play Overwatch. Maybe look at tumblr, as I remained into Undertale. V and I lost contact after school started back up. I never blamed her for it. In fact, I preferred it that way. She didn’t deserve to have such a burden placed on her, and I still... feel guilty for leaning on her so much.

But I’m very thankful. I hope she’s out there living a good life, wherever she is.

And this! Is where we finally get to the not depressing parts! And only... what, 29 paragraphs in? Sheesh... I know I wanted to really illustrate just how shit things were to demonstrate just how much UT did for me, but this is taking it a bit far, isn’t it? Ah well... already made it this far. In for a penny, in for a pound. If you’ve made it this far, congratulations! I’m sorry. Truly. And I love you so very dearly.

Time went by and I kept doing my thing. Playing Overwatch(a practically self-destructive behavior deserving a therapy, frankly), talking to the few friends I had that I kept at an arm’s length, that sort of stuff. “Phil” and I no longer talked, thank goodness. Obviously I was depressed as all hell, not bothering to shower, eat, clean up, or do laundry for days on end. I spent more time asleep than I did awake, on most days. Did I say this was where the not depressing part was? I may have lied a little.

Blah blah “more months go by”, you know the drill. Until... I believe, November of 2016. After cementing my love of Flowey ever deeper, I’d started to follow more blogs putting out content for him on tumblr. In particular, the most important ones being I’lltrytobegood, Flowey-Answers, and later happyflowey and Corruptedflora.

It all started with a stream. I joined an art stream of LLA(Lovelyladyartist) on picarto as he worked on ITTBG. I kept quiet for the first few streams I joined, being too anxious to really out myself in any capacity. But little by little, I was coerced out of my shell. Particularly by one SilverKhaos, who I think at the time went by SilverSlayer or something. Anyway, he got me talking. And through that, I started making friends, bit by bit.

Also through the stream, I was introduced to CC(CuteCatDoodles) of Flowey-Answers. I obsessively read through the entire blog in a single sitting, just... having such a good time with it. And... strangely enough, it... got me feeling oddly better. Like I’d finally started to breath after not being able to for what felt like such a long time. If just a little. The next day, I got out of bed early, cleaned up, took out some garbage, and made breakfast. Just a simple plate of scrambled eggs. A simple, easy morning for most any average person. But for me? It was one of the most special mornings I’ve ever had.

Likewise, I did the same with Ding’s happyflowey, of reading through all of it in a single night. My head hurt like a motherfucker, but I tell you, it was worth it. The effect perhaps not as profound, but still very meaningful to me, as well as sowing the seeds of yet more relationships to form. If far off in the future, as far as this timeline is concerned. I still adore all of those dumb, charming little flowers so much. Mania would come to inspire my first ever OC, in fact. Thinking about that blog makes me miss when the UT fandom was more active here, even though I never participated in the fandom at large. But I’m grateful for the memories and incredible amounts of enjoyment getting to read it all brought me. I have way too many cropped images of Hysteria.

I wasn’t immediately better, but it was all the start of something new. I kept up with the streams, also joining in for CC’s. For hours upon hours a day, I’d just hop into them and spend the day talking away. I had something to really look forward upon waking up, starting to adjust my schedule so that I at least didn’t miss TOO much. I was able to really make friends, it felt like. Even though I wasn’t and still am not the most socially adept.

And as luck would have it, because picarto chat was and probably still is pretty unstable to this day, it just happened to go down and that led to... the creation of the discord server! It started off small, but steadily got more and more joiners from the growing population of the streams. LovelyLadyArtist, CuteCatDoodles, BrySkye, Flowers-Without-Pots, SilverSlayer, KRS, Donut, Mr.Quarter, Dragoler, Stilla, Chara, RotmModdy, Rowdy, Dunal, and probably at least a few others I’m forgetting... all names I encountered there and most of which I still see daily.

Through that server, we started keeping up even when there wasn’t any stream going on. Just goofing off and having a good ‘ol time. Already I was... well, doing a helluva lot better than I had before. All because of the gathering of a small community surrounding this indie gem. And even further centered in a niche specifically about Flowey! Who, and I’d forgotten to mention this before, I’d found a surprising amount to relate in. He’d become a big, BIG hyperfocus. Which is why I’d met everyone at all. Truly, it’s crazy to think how possible it is for me to have never come down this path.

From there on, I continued to meet new people, established new relationships. I even got invited to an RP server, creatively named “Flower RP” :p. At first I was hesitant, perhaps not even initially 100% interested. But as people really got into it, I felt an incredibly strong Fear of Missing Out. Leading to the creation of a character still near and dear to my heart.... Zorch. The result of contributions from many friends, from design ideas, to character concepts, and even his name(thanks for that, Rowdy). And... I began to write. It wasn’t great at first. very short form, and I didn’t know how to approach the roleplaying mindset, or even how to properly characterize him.

But over time... I got better. I became more confident. I really got into the nitty-gritty of character writing and discussion. I joined in on hours long discussions about the characters, lore, and narrative of Undertale. I’d wake up just to be there as soon as chat began to move, all the way to the point where everyone was finally asleep. I started to be able to help people again. For months, participating in this RP, in this chat, in this community was what I lived for. The joy that I felt in being among friends all working towards and talking about a common goal and interest is, well, honestly still somewhat unrivaled.

Paci, Pots, Neue, Castor, Silver, Nightmare, Rowdy. Me. All of us joined together in mutual love for a game, spurred on to feverishly create our own content about it. I kept up for months on end, living by the mostly same routine for probably the longest I’ve ever stuck to anything. Eventually... things happened and the server’s gone quiet. We had problems with management, people feeling excluded, targeted, etc etc. It was a very... consequence heavy RP, most of us were almost complete newbies to the roleplaying game, and many came to care rather deeply about the ongoings of it. Perhaps too much. But, well... I’m not sure it could have been prevented.

Sometimes, I still wish I could go back to that point of my life. I know someone else who does too. Even more than me. But I know not to try and emulate the past, as alluring as it may seem. So I push forward. Leading to yet another server with its own events. Clement, myself, Rowdy, Zielo, Neue, Moddy, Vee, Mini, Nappy, Tia, Silver. Some familiar names, some new. All still with the foundation of Undertale, but it quickly became a thing for us to just... chill and talk about anything. There was real love in that place. It was at this time that I even started going to therapy! After some struggling with the family. It helped a lot.

In time, that server, too, went under. For reasons that have long since been buried and forgiven. It no longer exists, after being deleted entirely, but I’ll always remember it. And we did eventually all(mostly) gather back together someplace new, which is still being talked in. Even gaining some new additions recently! If any of you guys are catching this one, I love you!

And we come to the final and most recent group. One I wasn’t actually a founding member of, instead being a late joiner. Comparatively smaller than all the ones before, but filled with just as much love. Pip, Ding, Kink, and Cola. Remember when I mentioned happyflowey sowing seeds, and then didn’t even expound in further detail about corruptedflora? Well congratulations, you’ve reached the payoff.

It all started after I began interacting with the mun of CF, Kinko, and became mutuals with them. We usually just spam reblogged from each other on occasion for a while. That is, until I got messaged, then sent a friend request through Discord. Which, even still, didn’t immediately go anywhere. But eventually... some things led to another, and we joined up in a particular server. Not one I’ll be naming, but times were... turbulent in there. It went under and we lost contact a bit after that.

That is, until completely out of the blue, I just get invited to a server with them and some pals to just join in on Roblox shenanigans. Imagine me, sweating and anxious as hell after getting asked to join a server with two people behind blogs I adore, considering Ding was there too. Cardiac arrest, I tell you. And obviously more than just them too! But the night turned out to be so fun that I forgot I’d ever been so anxious in the first place.

From there on... the rest was history. There’s been many, MANY ups and downs, but I’ve found yet more people I love very, very dearly. And they’ve gotten me to open up about the way I feel the most. In the past years, I could never tell someone I loved them, no matter how much I really wanted to. The words just couldn’t come out, but they... they brought that out in me. And now I can say it whenever I want! Like now! I love you guys!!! So much!!!! And not just you all, but everyone else too!!! And much love to Kink especially for being a driving force behind me making this, as well as just being a goddamn star.

So... as a final ovation... LLA, CC, Bry, Drago/Paci, Pots, Silver, Donut, Quarter, Stilla, Chara, Moddy, Rowdy, Neue, Castor/Skater, Tia/Nightmare, Clement, Zielo, Vee, Nappy, Ding, Pip, Cola, and Kink. As well as some stragglers like Log, Ingrid, and Jai. I’m probably still forgetting some... but thank you all for being my friends. It’s been a long, long five years. And yet, many of you are still in my life. In at least some form. There aren’t words enough to express my gratitude towards every single one of you for the most incredible years of my life and pulling me from what can be called nothing less than the fucking abyss. You all made and continue to make life worth living.

And thank you, Undertale. The game behind all of these relationships. The game that inspired such strong feelings in me when nothing else could. That made me into an artist and writer. The reason I’m still alive. The game that changed my fucking life and will continue to affect me, I believe, for the duration of it. I really cannot overstate just how important you were and still are. There’ll never be anything else like you.

#this is probably littered with mistakes and things that didn't need to be there #Like the sheer amount of context provided for how poorly I was doing #But too late to change things now!#My brain hurts too much to bother proofreading #So take this raw and unfiltered thing and do what you will with it #Or don't #It's a rough read #Don't push yourself through it if you can't #Or simply don't want to #long post

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iredreamer · 5 years

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I know you’ve posted before how Anne & Mariana spent Christmas together in 1834 and that Mariana tempted Anne unsuccessfully, but have you read Moving Between Worlds? Because the author (excerpting diaries) states plainly that kissing/ grubbling did occur during Anne’s visit (12/24/1834 diary entry: “gratify her passion by one parting grubble”). I take you to be the master at all things real life Anne Lister and Ann Walker so I wanted to get your input. THANK YOU for all your posts, seriously!!

hey :) thank you so much for your message! Yes I’ve read Moving Between Worlds, and I’ve also checked Anne’s diary (from the 22nd of December – when she arrives at Lawton – to the 26th – when she goes back to Shibden) to understand better what happened.

I transcribed AL’s coded parts where she talks about what happened with Mariana during those days. At the end you’ll find what I personally think of this whole thing.

EDIT: I updated the post with parts – coded and not – that even tho are not directly about what happened between them, still help understand the context and what went on during those days. I think that the context and the conversations Mariana & Anne had during this time are quite important to understand why some things happened. The only things I left out in my transcriptions are stuff like “I went from there to there, we visited this lady etc.”, things that are quite mundane.

December 22, 1834 (Monday) > (…) at Lawton at 9 – i.e. 8 ¾ by their clocks – Shewn into M-’s [Mariana] room. And she soon came nervous sobbing, but she got over it pretty soon and well – Had a couple of nice little mutton chops, and then coffee – Mr. L- [Charles Lawton] just came in for a minute or 2 but finding we were still going to have coffee said he had had tea, went back to the dining room and we saw him no more – M- [Mariana] and I sat talking till 11.35 by Halifax – She gave me the history of Martha Booth – not good – her head full of novels that she had read before coming to M- [Mariana] – and her principles spoilt by the bad examples of 2 succession cooks – had been deceitful – was too much set up – Mrs. Duff to give me Martha’s character – M- [Mariana] not to tell me anything – I said if Martha left here, I should have nothing more to say to her – M- [Mariana] then gave me the history of Miss Crewe (…) I never felt less in love’s danger. I thought M- [Mariana] prosy but this was better than the way she talked in at first, despairing & as if the sooner she died the better – she would not listen to my proofs that she herself had had things between us all her own way, however I would not give up the point tho’ I pressed it gently – I was very affectionate, spoke kindly of Mr. Crowe & said I would do anything in the world I could for her but there was no love in my manner or thoughts – I merely thought I was glad this was at an end & that I was as I was – Talked of the Norcliffes & Mrs. Milne’s sarcastic manner which seems to have shewn itself to M- [Mariana] at Scarbro – M- [Mariana] said she always appeared to know all about me whether she did know anything or not – She had talked at Leamington of her great anxiety to see Lady Vere as the most particular friend of her, M- [Mariana] most particular friend! I have guessed right, M- [Mariana] does not want to love the eclat of my friendship (…) M- came upstairs with me to my room & staid ten minutes – a little nervous again & hung on me & went off, talks of giddiness in her head & not living long but I said I should do her good, in fact as I shrewdly hinted I shall not be the death of her. Thank God I am as I am. I thought very little of M- as I came along & never felt more calm – Very fine day – till one tonight wrote all but the five first lines of the day – till 1 ½ wrote 2 pp. to A- [Ann Walker] to go tomorrow – account of my journey – good account of things. [SH:7/ML/E/17/0127]

December 23, 1834 (Tuesday) > (Go by the Lawton clocks) breakfast at 10.20 – then sat talking till 12 – from 12 to 2 walked (about 2 miles) to see a poor man (James Shaw) confined to his bed these 30 weeks for having fallen into a hot salt pan – Luncheon with Mr. L- [Charles Lawton] in his room (I not eating) then sat talking in M-‘s [Mariana] sitting room – Out at 4, for 40 minutes (…) then sat talking in my dressing room till 5.40 – dressed – dinner at 6.10 – coffee – tea… came upstairs at 10 ½ and M- [Mariana] sat with me ½ hour – sealed and gave her my letter written last night to A- [Ann Walker], Shibden, to be put into the post before 9 a.m. tomorrow – annoyed this morning to find I was too late for today’s post – the letters must be there at 9, and the mail goes at 10 – Told M- [Mariana] she had never come to me to see if I was up this morning, she said she would but thought I should not like it – I was rather attendrie this morning, particularly after our walk – She told Mr. Crewe had been with her at Scarbro, glad I had not heard of it in York & that she herself was first to tell me of it – He had said he hoped to her happy with the friend she liked best staying with her at Warmingham, meaning to have me with them – I asked if she did not think this speech plain enough – she said it had not struck her much but at last owned it was pretty plain tho she still says she never was in love with him & wonders if she ever shall be – I calmly said “Oh, yes all that would come” – she told me Mr. C- [Crewe] was very calm on that subject – in telling her a story of a chère amie [dear friend] of Brooke? Grevilles said but he & his friend could very well do without those domestic comforts – she still persists that all her love is for me – I led the conversation to A- [Ann Walker], said I really liked [her], was more than comfortable & that whatever might be said money had nothing to do with it – M- [Mariana] asked if it was true that she had three thousand a year – I said no, but our fortunes would be about equal & that we should have five thousands a year – said I had thought of her the first thing after M-’s [Mariana] break off – I was thankful things were as they were for I was determined to have one & certainly could not have done better – Charlotte said A- [Ann Walker] was not ladylike & she & Mrs. Milne thought she [Mariana] should not be flattered if she saw her successor, but that I could not do without money – M- [Mariana] took all well – said she thought I had done right & perhaps she herself was the cause of it, they wondered – Mr. C- [Crewe] does not like Mrs. Milne – she behaved sarcastically & he expected better things after all the trouble he had taken about Hamlyn – He wished M- [Mariana] to get her uncle & Lou to go to Geneva next summer. M- [Mariana] to join them & then he & his two boys would join them all at Geneva & make a tour for with her uncle there could be nothing wrong. I made no remark. But this explained the passage she read from Lou’s letter that came today, that with a little persuasion she thought her uncle might be got to go to Geneva tho she had preferred Scotland on account of not leaving her mother so far – This proves M- [Mariana] had thought of the plan & seriously too – perhaps she wished to sound me, what will the world say? She protests she feels towards only as a brother – well nous verrons [we’ll see] – I told her that but for him I might have acted differently – said I read her last letter to A- [Ann Walker] but she did not understand it – I had told all that was necessary but not quite all, that is not of our connection – nor did any know of this or ever would – This seemed to satisfy her – Said I was not quite satisfied with her brother’s conduct about Clifton to his mother in paying with so much difficulty, nor with his management of his wife & that he had latterly left A- [Ann Walker] ten days unvisited by him – but this not to be named any more than the brandy & water drunk by Miss. Bagshaw at Mrs. Bewleys – M- [Mariana] has seemed low today at intervals – it seems she does not now like Mrs. Wilbraham who has interfered with the friendly society etc. Mr. C- [Crewe] says how worldly they all are & he cannot endure them – somehow I do not like him – M- [Mariana] says Mr. C- [Crewe] was never conscious of his feelings towards till L-’s [Charles Lawton?] conduct to him at Mr. Woodsin – 1831 – I cannot quite understand M- [Mariana] – she shews me she is still in love with me – I might have her as heretofore without much difficulty. She says she is glad to see me but talks of the difference there is when my interest is hung on another peg – I asked tonight if I was not as much attached & as affectionate as she wished me to be – she made no answer – I pressed her to say yes & she merely replied “yes, you are very affectionate” – she has kissed me as warmly as she dared venture & given me licence enough if I chose to take it, but in answer “do you love me” my “yes indeed I do” bespoke nothing beyond friendship. The fact is I am really indifferent to her – but she would lead me astray if she could – She will send a present to A- sorry I had proposed it as it was her own intention – L- [Charles Lawton?] & I very good friends but no more – very fine frosty day – no use to look at my thermometer – my dressing room having a good fire in it – wrote all the above of today from 11 ½ to 12 ½ tonight. [SH:7/ML/E/17/0128]

December 24, 1834 (Wednesday) > Fine soft morning – jumped up at 8 ½ on M-‘s [Mariana] coming to call me; and we sat talking in my dressing room ¾ hour (…) M- [Mariana] and I then sat talking in her sitting room till 1 – Luncheon with C- [Charles Lawton]. Letter 3 pp. and 1st page crossed (nice, kind, chit-chat letter) from A- [Ann Walker] her aunt all kindness, but nothing transpired about the contents of her sister’s letter – my aunt not so well as when I left her – if worse would write by the next post – if no letter here, wishes me to call (en passant) at the post office at Manchester – M- [Mariana] and I came and sat talking in my dressing room till 2 – she asked to look at the handwriting and I read her the letter, she looking over me, she said it was a nice simple minded letter – she was better satisfied to have seen it – M- [Mariana] and I went out at 2 to see poor old Molly Owen at the Lodge… and then walked about home till 4 ¾ – Much talk about Mr. Crewe to whom for short I gave the name of short – spoke of Micklestone (pronounced Muckstone) & her living there & our all meeting – she said we should be an odd quartette but seemed in tolerable spirits saying she should now try to turn her thoughts that way – glad to have seen me, for till she saw me, could scarce believe things really as they are – she wondered if she could ever love him, perhaps it would come but thought she should feel as if she was breaking the seventh commandment – very well satisfied with A- [Ann Walker] – should like her all the daytime, could not bear her at night, could not bear to see her go off to bed with me – I kindly parried all this – she said if she had not seen me now perhaps we might have not met again – owned it was much better to have met – I told her & explained quietly that it was all her own doing, that no human influence could have done it but her own – spoke highly of A-’s [Ann Walker] high principle & honorable feeling & that even in any case if it cost me life itself I would not willingly give her up easiness she trusted me & she was right if I could do so much in this case what could I not have done in another, but she, M- [Mariana], had never understood me – I was never half as bad as she thought me – Home at4 ¾ and sat talking inmy dressing room till 5 ½ (…) Told M- [Mariana] servants would always be left in the house at Shibden – if ever she wanted a place to go to, the house would always be at her service – but said gently I would rather she was there alone supposing I was absent – she said she should take Louisa or Ann [Mariana’s sisters] – said I had never liked her family and was sorry for it, but somehow I never could get over my feeling of dislike – I certainly owed them nothing & she said she certainly owed them nothing – dressed – dinner at 6.20 (…) on our leaving the dining room M- [Mariana] and I soon came to my dressing room – She being so low she could not stand it – drank cold water sobbed & was almost in hysterics. Then asked if I loved her “yes” said I “you know I do” we then kissed – our lips seeming glewed together & somehow tongues meeting. She sobbed & said “it is hard, very hard, to be a friend for one who has been a wife” – I was attendrie – we both cried our eyes nearly when we were obliged to go down to tea after nine. She came for a few minutes on going but was quite upset I had to go for Watson to call Eugenie & saw M- [Mariana] almost undressed – I just kiss the back of her neck & came away for she seemed worse seeing me again. It occurs to me that I inadvertently kissed her rather too warmly just after dinner. Was it this that upset her for the night? it is very sad – I am very sorry but my own indifference makes me safer that she thinks. I advised her this morning not to meet Mr. C- [Crewe] at Geneva better go with A- [Ann Walker] & me than anyone I had thought of taking Mr. Brown for A-’s drawing if so M- [Mariana] might return with him, but what I could do very uncertain. [SH:7/ML/E/17/0128 & SH:7/ML/E/17/0129]

December 25, 1834 (Thursday) > M- [Mariana] came a little before eight & staid till nine in bed with me – rather in the pathetics – she cannot get over her love for me – but I behaved with perfect propriety. She said “well” if anything happened to A- [Ann Walker] & Mr. C- [Crewe] would I take her back again – I made no answer till she said “would I not” when I replied “I would not shut the door against you” on which she thanked me & said I was very good. (…) Letter from A- [Ann Walker] (Shibden) my aunt better – 3 pp. widely written – nice letter – properly affectionate – wants me back again – (…) M- [Mariana] said nothing & L- [Charles Lawton] said he [Crewe?] was a scoundrel, of which nobody apparently took any notice – M- [Mariana] mentioned it when we came up to bed, seemed low & nervous, I tried to cheer her – advised her going to London to her uncle & Louisa for a week to see little M- till she told me the history at length of L- [Charles Lawton] & Eliza Lawton – then told her not to be away – said I saw her mind wavered about leaving L- [Charles Lawton] but that she must not do it unless he compelled her for refusing to have the girl to live with them or unless something between him & the girl came out – she had taxed with it, with what the girl said & he declared it was a lie – the girl did not like to be alone with him – he out his tongue unto her moth [mouth?] which, said M- [Mariana], is you know, the last thing, but one to which I agreed – we talked of how the girl’s mind might be debauched till M- began kissing me & we got on to such tongueing warm work that she got excited. I kept my hands over her clothes & my arms decently round her till the right wandered to queer outside till she took up her petticoats & put it to her & I gave her a thorough grubbling – I think she will have her cousin for it – I certainly felt oddish but no wish to be near to her myself, tho she said in the midst “can you not come near to me for a minute or two” I made no reply but went on never opening my eyes. She asked if I loved her, I merely said “yes”. When I did look at her it was in silence neither as if ashamed nor as if attendri nor caring much. I was grave & silent. She said she was better & hoped I should have a good night. What is the meaning of all this? Can this be the conduct of a pure minded virtuous woman! I despise it – she had tried all ways to upset me – I have done what I have done, but she shall never gain more nor ever I hope a repetition ever of this. I could have done without it but somehow I thought gratify her passion by one parting grubble. It ought not to have been but I will try to turn it to some good account by telling her I shall shew her letters & by keeping out of her way – my respect is gone. – She read me Mr. C-’s [Crewe] last letter long & written at different times according to her request nothing absolutely improper might be read aloud but the understanding between them is evident – How will it end? He is a gambler – I told her today I did not think that right & I was sorry for it – She send’s A- [Ann Walker] little pocket book yet she will try to lead me astray from her! But she shall do no worse & I hope & trust the scene of tonight cannot recur. Is this the chaste & quiet M- [Mariana]? I will keep out to her way & Mr. C–’s [Crewe] too as well as I can. [SH:7/ML/E/17/0129 & SH:7/ML/E/17/0130]

December 26, 1834 (Friday) > Had slept in my clothes – M- [Mariana] came before eight & leaned or lay on the bed till I got up – I don’t think she found out that I was not undress, my night chemise hid all that she seemed in good spirits – said she had had a very good night & hoped I had had one too. I said not much on this part of the subject – she saw that I did not think of last night’s business quite as she did I said let him that thinketh he standeth take heed lest he fall – she seemed rejoiced at the sort of victory she thought she had gained & argued against my fancying there was any wrong in it – said it had done her good & she was now much happier – begged me not to abuse her in my heart. I said as little as possible not troubling myself to knock down her arguments but saying the only thing I had thought of as a consolation was the telling her I should show all my letters to A- [Ann Walker]. She made no objections, in fact she could not well make any, she was satisfied to have found as she thought that all her influence over me was not gone – she little dreampt the real state of the case, she had fallen in my opinion she had been too much in the style of Mrs. Milne & I mean to be as little in her way as possible in time to come. She said she still could believe herself belonging to anyone but me – the night before last she had left me in an agony quite wet thro & ill – last night she was calmer & could have done without it if I had not been different. I said nothing against all this but let it pass – she said I do not know what it is was to be obliged to restraint where formerly she had only to ask & have, I merely said I saw how she was on Wednesday night & was on my guard – last night I was off my guard & etc. etc. (…) Went down to breakfast at 11 – Mr. L- [Charles Lawton] had waited to wish me good bye – never so attentive before… off from Lawton at 11.50 (…) and at Shibden at 10.55 – all gone to bed but Cordingley and John expecting me, had come down – A- [Ann Walker] jumped up – and came to me in her dressing gown and cloak, delighted to see me back again – had given up in despair – had tea – the first thing we did was to laugh aloud at her droll figure and the bustle I had made – explained, sat talking – Told her I myself was astonished how little I had thought of M- [Mariana] either going or returning. Very glad to be back again. Mentioned how I had offered her the use of Shibden in the event of L-’s [Charles Lawton] death etc. etc. – [SH:7/ML/E/17/0130 & SH:7/ML/E/17/0131]

Anne Lister goes back to Shibden the 26th. She’s happy to be back and tells AW that she “was astonished how little I had thought of M- either going or returning. Very glad to be back again.” and then she and AW have sex: “One very good kiss after getting into bed & not long after this another not quite so good but very fair.” (December 27, 1834 – Saturday)

So, to wrap this up… Mariana tries to have sex with AL everyday while they’re together, and AL tries her best to stay away (and I mean, they do what they do but they don’t have sex?? at least for Anne’s way of thinking). Anne writes how indifferent she is to it all and that basically she doesn’t even know why she gave in to Mariana’s attentions (and she doesn’t really seem into it anyway). What I think is this: I see it as a moment of weakness, their relationship is so complex and their dynamic is just so established that I think it was easy for Anne Lister to fall in the old ways with Mariana just because it was what she was used to. Doesn’t seem to me that AL was very happy with what happened, with Mariana’s behaviour or her own behaviour. I’m also very curious about why, in everything I’ve read by any historian, everyone says that AL stayed faithful to Ann Walker, clearly no one considered this thing with Mariana an important fact…

The situation between them was quite complex. There are a lot of grey areas, there is a lot of history between them, and as always Mariana has a strong hold on Anne. We’re talking about real people here, with complex feelings, with contradictory feelings. It is very hard to say one thing or the other about this matter, there is so much complexity in their relationship, in what happens and in what Anne feels that I think that reducing everything to “she was faithful” or “she wasn’t faithful” is not the right way to deconstruct/understand the whole thing.

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astarlightmonbebe · 5 years

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10 Kdramas I Recommend part 2

Hey~I’m back again with a part 2! I finish kdramas so slowly, so this took me a while to get to. Sorry if I ramble.

Here is part 1.

1. Life

Year of Release: July-September, 2018

Cast:

Lee Dongwook as Ye Jinwoo

Cho Seungwoo as Cha Seunghyo

Won Jina as Lee Noeul

Lee Kyuhyung as Ye Sunwoo

Yoo Jaemyung as Joo Kyungmoon

Synopsis: Ye Jinwoo is a doctor at Sangkook University. One night, the hospital director dies. Though his death is ruled as a heart attack, Jinwoo believes otherwise. Koo Seunghyo becomes the new director of the hospital, despite being a businessman. He sees the hospital as something to profit from, and decides to forcefully transfer three departments, including the emergency medical center, where Jinwoo works. Jinwoo and the other staff members protest this and start to scheme to have their new director removed.

Thoughts: I went into this for Lee Dongwook and Won Jina only, and only thought it sounded vaguely interesting. I’m not much for hospital dramas and politics, but this drama really ended up piquing my interest! Not only were the actors amazing, but it shaped up a really good story. It showed the bad and good characteristics of everyone, even the so called protagonist and antagonist. I did find it frustrating at times, but only to the point that I felt that I had to watch more to make sure everything got resolved right. From a writer’s standpoint, the ending of this was wonderfully crafted, though watchers might have found themselves deeply sighing.

Rating: 8/10

2. Healer

Year of Release: December, 2014-February, 2015

Cast:

Ji Changwook as Seo Junghoo

Park Minyoung as Chae Youngshin

Yoo Jitae as Kim Moonho

Synopsis: Kim Moonho is a famous reporter who enlists the service of a mysterious night errand boy, Healer, to find and protect Chae Youngshin, a junior reporter who he believes is connected to a decades old mystery surrounding five friends. The three become intricately connected as they navigate their shared past, the mysterious incident, and current day politics as people in positions of power try to cover that incident up for good.

Thoughts: I LOVED THIS DRAMA! I watched it in around three weeks (it’s a 20 episode drama), and loved every single minute of it. It was the fastest I have ever watched a kdrama. I thought about starting it many times, but always pushed it off because the summary never sounded interesting. Yet after watching a trailer and deciding to see how it was for Ji Changwook, I was instantly tossed head over heels. This drama is thrilling. Secret identities, reporters, mysteries, romance (!!! y’all there’s this one cute scene that really makes me squeal), trauma, pain, and everything in between. You will seriously not regret watching this.

Rating: 10/10!

3. Come and Hug Me

Year of Release: May-July, 2018

Cast:

Jang Kiyong as Chae Dojin/Yoon Namoo

Jin Kijoo as Han Jaeyi/Gil Nakwon

Heo Junho as Yoon Heejae

Kim Kyungnam as Yoon Hyunmoo

Yoon Jonghoon as Gil Moowon

Synopsis: Namoo and Nakwon were each other’s first love in high school, until Namoo’s psychopathic father, Yoon Heejae, murdered Nakwon’s parents. Twelve years later, the two meet again--with Namoo as a police detective who goes by Chae Dojin, and Nakwon taking after her late mother as an actress by the name of Han Jaeyi. She suffers from severe PTSD. Together, the two of them navigate their rough past and try to move forward and heal, even as the past threatens to return to their present.

Thoughts: I can’t begin to stress how much I like this drama. It is a drama with a darker theme, but I really liked how they focused on Nakwon’s PTSD and a) how people reacted to the rumors of her mental trauma, b) how they didn’t end up pushing that it made her weak, but rather showed how she grew through it. Every single actor in this was fantastic, especially the child actors! I was really glad to be introduced to Jang Kiyong and Jin Kijoo! They looked so great together :). If you’re a fan of healing dramas with a touch of serial killer, you should definitely check this one out. It checks all the romance boxes, but also all the fun, crime filled ones too.

Rating: 9/10

4. Descendants of the Sun

Year of Release: February-April, 2016

Cast:

Song Joonki as Yoo Shijin

Song Hyeko as Kang Moyeon

Jin Goo as Seo Daeyoung

Kim Jiwon as Yoon Myeongjoo

Synopsis: Shijin is a captain of the special forces, and Moyeon is a doctor. They meet at the hospital, and decide to date. Unfortunately, it does not work out, as they realize that Shijin as someone who takes lives and Moyeon as someone who tries to save them are not a good pair. The two part ways, but it seems like fate is looking out for them, because eight months later they meet again when Moyeon is assigned to go to Uruk with a medical team, where Shijin is stationed.

Thoughts: DOTS is a drama classic, and a must watch. I went into watching it expecting to to be very different than it was, but I was not disappointed in the slightest bit. It delves into a lot of topics on morality and making decisions in the midst of a life and death situation. The Song-Song couple’s chemistry was off the charts (and they got married in real life, too!), plus the second lead couple was awesome too! Each character brought something unique to the show. DOTS made my heart leap and feel all sorts of things--especially when Onew (he played a doctor) was crying his eyes out, like dude, I wanted to bawl. This is a classic you cannot pass up.

Rating: 10/10

5. Romance is a Bonus Book

Year of Release: January-March, 2019

Cast:

Lee Jongsuk as Cha Eunho

Lee Nayoung as Kang Dani

Jung Eugene as Song Haerin

Wi Hajoon as Ji Seojun

Synopsis: Cha Eunho is a popular writer and editor who works at a popular publishing company. He is close friends with Kang Dani. With a twist of fate, Dani--who used to be a popular copywriter but has recently fallen upon hard times--manages to get a job at Eunho’s publishing company by lying on her resume.

Thoughts: Any drama with Lee Jongsuk is going to be good (well...most dramas), and this drama was the perfect mix of funny, romance, and a dash of mystery. Dani’s character was very relatable. She’s awkward, kind, old timey, and genuine. I loved getting introduced to Wi Hajoon as an actor through this drama. He and Jung Eugene were great second leads/supporting actors. The rest of the cast are each very unique in their own way, and lots of kudos to the writers for showing us little slices of how they live and their own problems without making the storyline messy.

Rating: 8/10

6. My Strange Hero

Year of Release: December, 2018-February, 2019

Cast:

Yoo Seungho as Kang Boksu

Jo Boah as Son Soojung

Kwak Dongyeon as Oh Seho

Synopsis: When Kang Boksu was in high school, he was falsely accused of school violence by his friend (Oh Seho) and his girlfriend (Son Soojeong). Years later, as an adult, Boksu has the opportunity to return to school and graduate. He takes up the offer with the idea of getting revenge, as Soojeong has just become a teacher there, and Seho is the new director as he battles to take control of the school from his mother, the chairman. However, things don’t go as Boksu plans, and he soons find himself tangled up in a major school corruption.

Thoughts: Okay!!!! I usually get tired of hearing the same old corruption spiel since apparently kdramas love to point out the problems with Korea’s school systems (while nothing changes), and while Chairman Oh definitely made me want to slap her straight across her dumb face, it wasn’t enough to make me completely stop watching. First off, I love all three main actors (or I did as soon as I saw them in here). Yoo Seungho is always enjoyable to watch, and Boksu and Soojeong were sweet and fluffy and balanced each other out perfectly in the relationship. I also fell for Oh Seho! I know a lot of people found him a terrible person...and yeah, he was definitely a prime example of like an anti-villain, but he also had a great redemption arc and I just...wanted to give him the hugest hug.

Rating: 8.5/10

7. Cheese in the Trap

Year of Release: January-March, 2016

Cast:

Park Haejin as Yoo Jung

Kim Goeun as Hong Seol

Seo Kangjoon as Baek Inho

Synopsis: Hong Seol is a hard working college student and Yoo Jung is her good looking, smart, and rich sunbae. Over the course of college, Seol and Jung eventually start a delicate relationship despite other obstacles in their path. However, a friend from Jung’s path, Inho, returns and also starts to fall for Seol.

Thoughts: This drama...I actually only watched it for Seo Kangjoon and he’s the only reason I finished it. This has the biggest second lead syndrome you will ever find. Personally, he’s the only reason this is making it to my recommendation list (that and the fact that I’m horrible at finishing dramas). On the other hand...let’s just say that I hated Park Haejin for so long because I could not get over how much I disliked his character in this drama. It was an interesting character, but I couldn’t stand how manipulative he was. CITT is based on a webtoon, so maybe that’s why it’s so crazy, but it took me so long to finish this. It took me a year because I stopped watching it so many times. This show seriously drove me crazy. There are only a couple things that get me genuinely riled up when I have to talk about them, and this show is one of those things. I don’t know, some people really liked it, but while there were good characters and some nice parts, in the long run it was just really not that good.

Rating: 6/10

8. Bad Guys

Year of Release: October-December, 2014

Cast:

Kim Sangjoong as Oh Gutak

Ma Dongseok as Park Woongcheol

Park Haejin as Lee Jungmoon

Jo Donghyuk as Jung Taesoo

Gang Yewon as Yoo Miyoung

Synopsis: In order to combat the rise in violent crimes, the Police Detective tasks Detective Oh Gutak with putting together a group of criminals to take care of the problem. Gutak, who is currently suspended for excessive violence, puts together a team consisting of gangster Park Woongcheol, hitman Jung Taesoo, serial killer Lee Jungmoon, and Police Inspector Yoo Miyoung. Together, the team tackle the rising crime rate and dangerous criminals.

Thoughts: This show was only 11 episodes, maybe why I was able to watch it so fast. It’s violent and dark--the perfect fit for the crime/mystery genre. I also like to call this Park Haejin’s redemption drama, because after this you know who I liked x.x. There were also a lot of plot twists that made me need to watch the next episode immediately. There’s a sequel to the show with a new cast but the same premise, but I’ll warn you that that show has definitely more violence and blood and death and stuff (I’m still watching it; I’m kind of stalled out right now since a certain episode made me lose faith in that entire show, ahem episode 8).

Rating: 8/10

9. Kill It

Year of Release: March-April, 2019

Cast:

Jang Kiyong as Kim Soohyun

Nana as Do Hyeonjin

Roh Jeongeui as Kang Seulgi

Kim Jaewon as Philip

Synopsis: Kim Soohyun is an elite assassin who is searching for clues to the past he cannot remember. Do Hyeonjin is the adopted daughter of an important congressman who is a new Police Detective. She is still searching for the killer of her boyfriend, even though nine years have passed. Soohyun and Hyeonjin start to cross paths, finding a connection from their past that leads to a growing relationship.

Thoughts: Sounds like every au ever, right? Jokes, it’s my favorite au of all time and I freaked out when I found out Jang Kiyong was going to the lead. It sounds cliche, but I swear it’s very good. I love the fact that there’s not really a romantic relationship between the two, like it’s not supposed to be romantic, but rather focuses on the platonic, friendship between them. It’s a dark, twisting drama, another one showing how deep corruption runs in the government (that’s always a theme because you know, it’s a thing), and the ending freaking killed me but you know :((.

Rating: 9.5/10

10. He Is Psychometric

Year of Release: March-April, 2019

Cast:

Park Jinyoung as Lee Ahn

Shin Yeeun as Yoon Jaein

Kim Kwon as Kang Seongmo

Kim Dasom as Eun Jisoo

Synopsis: Lee Ahn has a special ability, psychometry. When he makes skin to skin contact with someone, he sees their darkest memories and secrets. He dreams of becoming the first Police Psychometrist. Yoon Jaein has been running her whole life, ever since her father was charged with the arson of Yeonsung Apartments, where Ahn’s parents died. The two first meet in high school, but their connection is cut short, only for them to reunite two years later and start to solve the mystery behind the fire and the other crimes that connect to it, along with Ahn’s non-biological brother, Prosecutor Kang Seungmo, and Police Detective Eun Jisoo.

Thoughts: OKAY, let me take a deep breath before I get into this one. He Is Psychometric is one of the best dramas I have ever watched. It’s right up there on my top five, I reckon. I didn’t drop this or anything; I watched it from the moment it started airing to the time it didn’t. Fair warning that if you expected happiness, this is not the drama to go for. It’s so twisty and has so many turns, like everytime something was uncovered there was still more threads to follow and it was insane but amazing. Especially for me, being a huge psychology fan, I loved digging into these characters and how unique they each were. The relationships, bromance and romance alike, were so intricate in this drama. I went through a million feelings and emotions in the span of a minute. This drama is also one that you can’t see coming. You can theorize (and believe me, I theorized the heck out of that thing) and guess, but it manages to blindside you almost every time. This show will break your heart and how you think of the world and humans and for that, you have to at least give it a try.

Rating: 100/10

#kdramas #my recommendations #kill it #he is psychometric #come and hug me #descendants of the sun #cheese in the trap #my strange hero #healer #bad guys #romance is a bonus book #life #kdrama recommendations #i love these!!!!#so many thoughts #hopefully this is more organized than no 1 #hopefully i made no typos!#here you go: my rambly mess of a self condensed

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devil-kindred · 4 years

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Character Interview

I was tagged by @chyrstis (thanks for the tag! :D) to do a character interview! Upon taking a look at my many OCs... I’ve decided to let my newest baby from the Uncharted universe out to play. Without further ado, may I present a character interview: the Evie Crane edition.

name ➔ Evelyn Crane, but I prefer Evie. Please don’t call me Evelyn. (laughs)

are you single ➔ I am actually happily taken. My boyfriend can be a handful sometimes, true... but I love him regardless.

are you happy ➔ Oh yes, I get to travel the world doing what I love all while being in love. Nothing could make me happier.

are you angry ➔ At the moment? No. Earlier on the other hand... well let’s just say I am so, so tired of arguing with airlines about flights.

are your parents still married ➔ I suppose you could say they still are. I lost my parents in a car accident when I was twenty-one. I’d like to imagine they’re still together wherever they may be now.

NINE FACTS

birth place ➔ Chicago, Illinois.

hair colour ➔ Dark brown, so dark it’s almost black actually.

eye colour ➔ Green.

birthday ➔ December 31st. Yeah, I was a New Year’s Eve baby.

mood ➔ Relaxed, finally. I got my flight situation all worked out so all is well.

gender ➔ Female.

summer or winter ➔ Oh, summer for sure. I hate being cold. Sam thinks it’s hilarious that I walk around wrapped in five blankets whenever it’s cold at home.

morning or afternoon ➔ I could go for either but I have to say I’m partial to mornings. Sam’s uh... never one to turn down a morning pick-me-up if you catch my drift. (winks)

EIGHT THINGS ABOUT YOUR LOVE LIFE

are you in love ➔ Oh yes. I’m not sure I’ll ever tell him this, it’s almost embarrassing to admit it⏤ (blushes) If I’m being honest I’ve been in love with Sam from the moment I met him.

do you believe in love at first sight ➔ My parents, bless them, used to say it was love at first sight for them and that anyone who thought it wasn’t real was welcome to think so but it happened for them and well, they were right.

who ended your last relationship ➔ I did, though that was years before I met Sam. I had just lost my parents and they wanted to jump headfirst into so many things and just... move on immediately. My parents were all I had when it came to family. I couldn’t just bury them and jet-set away... so I ended it. He didn’t exactly take it the best...

have you ever broken someone’s heart ➔ I believe I have, unfortunately.

are you afraid of commitments ➔ No, not at all.

have you hugged someone within the last week? ➔ I hugged everybody on the photography team yesterday when we finally wrapped up here in Glasgow. Oh, and I hugged Alessandra not even five minutes ago for helping me figure out how the heck I’m getting to my next destination.

have you ever had a secret admirer ➔ Perhaps? The whole point of a secret admirer is that it’s, well secret. So I couldn’t really say for sure.

have you ever broken your own heart? ➔ Yes.

SIX CHOICES

love or lust ➔ Love. But if you’re lucky, you get both. (laughs) And I must say I have been very, very lucky.

lemonade or iced tea ➔ Iced tea. Black tea is the only kind I can drink iced though. Green tastes how grass smells. It’s like lawn clippings. (makes a disgusted face)

cats or dogs ➔ Both! I love animals of all kinds but I’m afraid our apartment has a no pet policy and we’re both gone far too long to have one. Sam’s brother’s family has the cutest dog though.

a few best friends or many regular friends ➔ Best friends. Alessandra’s one of them actually and if she weren’t busy mooning over Sully’s latest voicemail I’d call her over to say hello.

wild night out or romantic night in ➔ Romantic night in. Sam has the best idea when we go out but nothing beats being able to just be together. Y’know, alone.

day or night ➔ Night. It’s when all the constellations are visible and I love being able to stargaze. There’s also this really neat cafe I’ve been to that’s only open at night and it’s the cutest little place.

FIVE HAVE YOU EVERS

been caught sneaking out ➔ Yes. I ha day wild moments in my teenage years.

fallen down/up the stairs ➔ Yes. (sighs) That’s what I get for trying to lug all my equipment in one trip.

wanted something/someone so badly it hurt? ➔ Yes.

wanted to disappear ➔ Once or twice, when there’s been a mishap during an on-location shoot. Like when I fell out a tree in Rio trying to get the perfect picture of the skyline. Or the time I dropped one of my nicer cameras out of the helicopter and it got smashed to pieces on the mountainside. Also in Rio. I was trying to get an arial shot of an infamous statue. You know the one.

FOUR PREFERENCES

smile or eyes ➔ Can you have one without the other? (laughs) I know I keep bringing up Sam but he has a very charming smile and he gets those lines around his eyes when he grins. It’s adorable.

shorter or taller ➔ Tall. I’m rather short myself, about 5′3″ so tall is better.

intelligence or attraction ➔ Intelligence but again, both is nice when you can get it as a package deal. (she grins again)

hook-up or relationship ➔ Relationship. I prefer something long lasting over a one-and-done.

FAMILY

do you and your family get along ➔ We did when they were alive. As I mentioned earlier, my parents were all I had in way of family.

would you say you have a “messed up life” ➔ No. As far as lives go mine is long way off from being bad.

have you ever ran away from home ➔ No, I never saw a reason to. Don’t imagine I would’ve gotten far if I had anyways.

have you ever gotten kicked out ➔ No.

FRIENDS

do you secretly hate one of your friends ➔ Hell no. If you’re a friend, you’re a friend for life.

do you consider all of your friends good friends ➔ I’d say so. We all get along and know each other well. Though I’ll admit Alessandra’s the only one I see on a fairly regular basis.

who is your best friend ➔ I’d have to say Alessandra. Though if your partner can also be your best friend, Sam is too.

who knows everything about you ➔ Alessandra mostly. She’s seen me through just about everything. Sam knows almost everything though.

#character interview #oc: evie crane #character tag game #oc tag game

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binnie-binnie-bambam · 5 years

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where I’ve been...?

hey. I feel like I owe y’all an explanation as to where I’ve been for the last 3 months. but imma put it the whole big detailed story under the cut just in case y’all don’t care haha and coz I don’t wanna clog up people’s feed with my incessant rambling.

TL;DR: I’ve been through 3 months of mental hell and that took a big toll on everything, including my love of a lot of things, so I’ve been struggling but I’m gonna try to be on here more and I’m sorry for being away for so long and not saying anything about it. Thank you to everyone who has tagged me in things and sent me messages during this time, I have seen it, I promise, even if I haven’t been in the right headspace to respond, you have made this time even just a bit more bearable, and for that I thank you greatly.

so yeah, things have been rough to say the least. I want to explain what’s been going on because I’ve always been pretty open on here and I know a lot of other people struggle with the same things so I don’t feel so alone. basically, I’ve fallen into another awful depression. I’ve lost my passion and drive and desire, I’ve lost the ability to find joy in things, I have no interest in hardly anything at all, I’m just not...me...right now.

I mean, my whole summer was crazy busy because I was spending almost all of my time doing wedding prep for my best friend/cousin’s wedding so I really didn’t have much time for myself and if I did, I was too exhausted to do anything I wanted to do. that’s when my partial inactivity started. I also started to see a new psychiatrist over the summer and he started me on new meds around August. since August, over a span of ~5 months, I’ve been on and off 6+ new meds, being treated for severe anxiety, panic attacks that resurfaced after being free of them for over 4 years, severe depression, ADHD, and trying different things to see if I had bipolar, as well as having a heart condition, thyroid issues, and fibromyalgia all going haywire.

I was pretty much ok through September, aside from some not so fun side effects that got me on and off 3 new meds in that month alone. like my mood and motivation and everything was fine, we had the engagement party and bachelorette party at the beginning of the month, I got to spend a bunch of time with the guy I have a (stupid) crush on, I was busy, things were going pretty great, honestly. but October rolled around. the first half wasn’t so bad, we had a girls’ trip for a weekend sort of as a last hoorah before my best friend got hitched and that was a lot of fun and I’m super thankful I was able to go, especially since I originally thought I wasn’t going to be able to make it due to family circumstances.

and wedding prep continued on, until I was driving over to my aunt’s house for the last day of prep and things started to hit me. my aunt and I got really close this past year and this was the last time I was spending with her for a long time, like sure we see each other once in a while but I was going over there and going shopping with her and doing all sorts of stuff multiple times a week and I think I just got scared of the idea that I was facing a new normal all over again when my normal had already changed so drastically at the beginning of last year. and also the fact that my best friend was getting married and moving an hour away when she used to be 10 minutes away and I saw her all the time. like we had the rehearsal dinner the Sunday before the wedding and my oldest cousin made this speech (because she knew she’d be sobbing too much to actually make it at the wedding) and she talked about us three girls as kids growing up and all this stuff about my best friend and how perfect her fiance was for her and it was just all really sobering I guess?

and I spent a lot of nights that week writing and rewriting a letter to the couple and I definitely spent most of that time sobbing over everything and sometime that week my mood just plummeted. my dad got /really/ concerned because the change in me was /so/ drastic but there wasn’t much we could do with only a few days until the wedding so we just hoped for the best and waited till my appointment with my psychiatrist to figure out the next step. I ended up getting a migraine at the wedding (I know it was from stress and from being so upset) so I couldn’t have a good time like I wanted to and I knew I’d regret it and I definitely regret it but I can’t change anything now. I got to hug the bride and groom goodbye just as they were leaving and I’ve never struggled so hard trying not to cry, which I mean, my best friend was sooo close to becoming a sobbing mess hugging me too, and the groom, well he was a blubbering mess (he’s a very emotional dude, all three of us have sobbed watching movies together, we’re a sight lmao) so I didn’t feel too strange haha. but it was a really weird feeling and it was really hard to sleep at the hotel that night. we drove home in the rain the next morning and did absolutely nothing the entire day.

then the news hit about Woojin and I spent my Monday night quite literally sobbing myself to sleep. at that time, I was still pretty new to skz but it still hurt like hell and I know my depression warped the emotions out of proportion but it was still so incredibly painful. but nothing could prepare me for the news about Wonho. nothing. I was already so deep into my depression and that just, I still don’t even have words. something hasn’t hit me that hard in I don’t even know how long. I couldn’t even cry, it took me over 2 months to cry about it because it just hurt too much. I still can’t listen to any of their music, I can’t even see photos of them without bursting into tears, and I’m ashamed at myself for being so attached to something that I react this badly, but even more so, I’m upset with myself that I can’t support them when they need it most because it causes me so much physical and emotional pain I just can’t deal with it. I’m not giving up on them, god no, I know it probably sounds like I am, but I swear I’m not. I love them way too much for that. it’s not even possible to describe how much mx and Wonho mean to me, I’m not giving up on them, I’m just handling things in my own way at my own pace, I guess.

from then on, things just spiraled out of control. on and off more meds, more and more problems arose, I really felt like I could not keep my head above water. and on top of it, I had the 7th anniversary of my grandma’s death in early November and the 10th anniversary of my grandfather’s death in early December and to say the least, that did not have the best effect on my mental health. it’s been 3 months of pretty much hell. I genuinely have /no/ interest in things I used to do, none of my hobbies, everything, and I mean everything, is a chore. it’s still like this. but I’m trying to do more to fix it. I’m seeing my doctor next week and I just spent 6 weeks getting another med out of my system so hopefully when I see him, he’ll try something new and we’ll actually make progress instead of taking 2 steps forward and 8 steps back. I haven’t lost hope yet.

there’s been many, many times in these past few months where I’ve felt like I’ve already hit rock bottom and I’m just waiting for the final blow to finish me off. but, if I’m being completely honest, what’s kept me going has been my really close friends on here that have stuck with me this whole time and my love for kpop which thankfully, god thank you, hasn’t diminished whatsoever despite everything. I can confidently say, I wouldn’t still be here without my friends, you know who you are my loves. y’all keep my world turning and no matter how painful it can get sometimes, I wouldn’t have made it this far, I wouldn’t want to keep going, I wouldn’t owe my life to you guys, so thank you, more than words can express. I love you all to the moon and back. and then some.

so this has just been paragraphs upon paragraphs of me rambling so I really don’t know why you would’ve stayed and read the whole damn thing, but if you did, thank you, I feel a lot better getting things off my chest. and this isn’t to say I’m back completely, I can’t guarantee how active I’ll actually be, but I’ll do my best to spend some more time on here because I genuinely do miss this place and all the amazing people in it. I’m so sorry I’ve been gone so long, especially without any real explanation. I’m going to do my best to rediscover my love for things, I may have lost it for a time, but it’s not gone completely.

until next time, this has been “aly won’t shut up”. thank you and goodnight, I love y’all

#sorry i've been inactive #things have been rough #i'm doing my best #one day at a time #i still talk too much tho haha #aly won't shut up #but yeah #if you've been wondering where i've been here's the big long explanation #i'll see y'all soon tho #i love and miss y'all lots

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amygeeunit · 4 years

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The Quarantine Chronicles: These Last Five Years & What I Thought I Wanted

There’s nothing like being alone in your own thoughts at 1:00am in the midst of a global pandemic... Instead of aimlessly scrolling through my Instagram timeline or checking my bank account with all the money I have saved from not going out, I’ve had time to think about what the 28 year old, almost 29 year old Amy needs versus wants...

I think in high school or at some point in our lives we have all fallen victim to “By the time I’m age this, I want to have x, y and z.” At 16, I thought at 25 I would have my life 85% figured out. Pretty funny concept now that you think about it, right? I actually laugh at how naive or how troublesome it is to have these unrealistic goals and tag an age onto them... I pictured myself living in a nice apartment, potentially dating someone, or if not just focusing on my career. Fast forward to 2020, besides this year being a complete clusterf*ck, I’ve had extra time to sit down and think of these last five years in a nutshell.

All I remember from 2015 was going to Vegas, still working in retail, having foot surgery and getting into CSUF. The rest is foggy because it’s been five years. Huh? I thought 2015 was last year...

2016 seemed to be one of my better years. I started at CSUF, went to Iceland, interned at Rastaclat, ended up getting a job at Rastaclat, entered into my first serious relationship, moved back out to Orange County and felt like at 24 - 25 I was killing the game (or so I thought.)

2017 wasn’t too bad. I graduated from CSUF in the spring, went to Oahu, continued on in my relationship and spent a majority of my time focusing on my career.

2018 is when life started to get real interesting. My pup, Ben G, passed away while I was out in Illinois visiting my cousin (long story to save for another post,) I started a new job at Pretty Great LLC, traveled to escape 99% of the time, started taking birth control that made me bloated, emotional and feel weird and moved back to Moreno Valley. During this time, my relationship started to crumble due to lack of communication, the wave of grief I was experiencing and everything in else in between that couples go through. I started going to therapy in July and in August, I had my first panic attack. In September, I decided I needed to get as far away from my life as possible. I booked a flight to Japan to visit Sarah since she was stationed out in Yokosuka. Yokosuka has a naval base and is about an hour from Tokyo. I talked to my boss at work a few weeks prior and asked for a week and a half off. Luckily, he was one of the most understanding and best people I have ever worked for in my career so far. Most bosses would have told you to “Get over it” or “Figure it out.” Rob Myers was a saving grace for me that year for letting me have my time off to not think about life.

While I was in Japan, I remember the time change messing me up quite a bit. I think it took around three days for me to finally be okay without passing out in the middle of the day. In short, this trip changed me. It changed how I traveled, it changed how I process emotions, it changed my outlook on life, it changed many things for me. I came back from this trip and my relationship was virtually over. I didn’t know how to feel, I didn’t know what to do, it just sort of fizzled like a candle using its last part of the wick. October came and I spent my birthday in Big Bear with my parents. I remember crying in the cabin when we got back from Octoberfest. I don’t think it really hit me that I was single, with no friends around and that 27 was already a shit show on day 1. I visited my best guy friend and his sisters in Arizona at the end of October to make up for the previous weekend. I had no idea that November could get any worse for me, but it did. It was two days before Thanksgiving, November 20th, 2018.

I was driving from Moreno Valley to Santa Ana one morning on my way to work. I took my normal route, left at my normal time, a pretty standard commute. About 2 miles from work, I was at a stop light. At this stop light I waited for about 30 seconds while the other cars went. The light turned green. As I was pressing my gas to accelerate, out of nowhere, a semi truck plows its way through the intersection and t-bones my driver’s side. I remember screaming. I remember it being like a scene from a Final Destination movie where the victim doesn’t know that death or uncertainty is upon them. In that moment, I remember thinking “This is it.” My reflexes shifted real quick and that was it. I remember pulling off to the side of the road leading up to the 5 freeway. I felt like my soul left my body for seconds then came back. I was shaking. I called my dad first and let him know what had happened. I called my mom and then the insurance company. I exchanged words and information with the driver. I remember being upset, but I couldn’t yell or get any words out. I just went by the protocol of what to do when you get involved with an accident. Sure, I have been rear ended before, but never t-boned and let alone by a damn semi truck. This accident passed, I was awarded some half ass money and in the midst of it all, I remember being so mentally drained that I cried out for help on Instagram Stories... I remember going through survivors guilt. I remember saying to myself “Why am I still here? There are people that die in accidents or by drunk/distracted drivers all the time... Why do I still have to live this life of pain and suffering?” In my mind and in 2018, I never knew how to take pain and suffering very well. I didn’t know it would shape me for what these next couple years would throw at me.

December came and went. It was like a sigh of relief for me to know that the vicious cycle of the 2018 rollercoaster was coming to an end. At this point, I kind of gave zero f*cks as to what happened in life. A few days before Christmas, I visited my Grandma in Illinois and my grandparents’ grave site. I think my trip to Illinois was some type of closure to my 2018 year. I hadn’t been back to Illinois since my Grandma’s funeral in 2011. It was a cold and frigid trip. It was the first trip I had ever driven by myself. The only cool thing was running into Ja Rule at the Palm Springs Airport (before the Fyre Festival documentary came out, otherwise I would have yelled at him.) He was on my flight to Chicago. Jeffrey Atkins, you sneaky motherfucker, you! How I wish I would have known about you tricking people with that one guy... I ordered a “Survived 2018″ crewneck from this small online business store, went to Disneyland with my mom on Christmas and threw caution to the wind.

2019 was interesting, but not as heavy as 2018. I called 2019 the year where I “rushed to get back to normalcy.” I realized the commute to PG was getting tiring pretty fast, I accepted being single and got back into dance. Dance saved my life, point blank. Whether it was subbing, teaching, training or being on a team, it brought back a sense of joy and also established new friendships along the way. I started a job at a marketing agency in March 2019 that was a short commute and about 6 months in, I realized this was something I wasn’t a fan of. It took me a while to realize that that was okay to feel uneasy about the jobs I once knew.

If I had to rate 2019 on a point scale, I would say it was a 6/10. I felt like the last few months I was suppose to be back to normal and healed from a lot of things I kept to myself. Dating people was weird because 1. I felt behind. What I mean by that was I thought by age 27 - 28, I would have met my “person,” by now. As I seen other friends get proposed to, plan their weddings and start their families, I started to feel like the odd woman out. Was there something wrong with me? Am I that complicated or hard to love? Are my values not aligning with people I like? Am I going to be that person that gets married at 40 or even at all? Will I always be the friend and not the potential girlfriend or wife? Who knows? 2. The reciprocity factor of it all and setting boundaries. 3. I don’t think I ever got over everything that had happened in my first relationship because we never cheated on each other, our trust when out without each other was never questioned and there was a best friend component in it. I was filled with regret, frustration and memories I forced myself to black out even after going to therapy and journaling it. Fact: I dread my birthday each year. I don’t like my birthday in general, but October I have mixed emotions about. The anniversary of my Grandma’s death is on 10/13, my Grandpa’s birthday is 10/14 and my birthday is 10/20. I spent the last couple months of 2019 drinking more than usual, especially after my friend, Beka, passed away suddenly in November. December came and went. I had my first trip to Puerto Vallarta and enjoyed some much needed beach time. I had this “idea” that I would move to the east coast with Sarah because I wanted to start over. That idea went out the window. I ended 2019 with buying a new car after having paid off my Kia Forte back in 2016.

It’s now 2020 and boy... It has been a shit show for the world I feel like. I can’t even begin to describe what a rollercoaster of emotions everyone is feeling right now, but I do have one word for me personally: gratitude. I started off the year so uneasy with finding out my dad was diagnosed with colon cancer again for a second time. I remember going into February with no expectations, yet I had expectations (weird right?) Without going into too much detail I felt like that quote by DJ Khaled saying “Congratulations, you played ya self!” I was constantly frantic about work, friendships, relationships, my future, dance, my parents, basically everything. I was a walking, talking ball of stress. March came around and I downloaded Bumble (yup, I went there) and matched with a really nice guy who actually knew two of my nurse friends. Then, COVID-19 was in full effect in the states and suddenly the idea of dating or wanting any kind of human interaction made me cringe... I had to politely excuse myself and move on. I checked in on friends and they checked in on me.

I’ve spent more time with my parents, more time on myself and then it finally clicked: I am where I need to be in this exact moment. I don’t want to date anyone in quarantine, I don’t want to understand or have expectations for another human like I’ve been searching for these last 6 months. What the fuck, Amy? You are everything you need right now and it is not in another person. I’ve danced in quarantine, I’ve cried in quarantine, I’ve laughed in quarantine, I’ve journaled in quarantine, I’ve found myself again in quarantine. As easy as it sounds for most people, the concept is quite large. Since I was 18 years old, I have ALWAYS wanted to live by myself and try it out. It’s ten years later and in the midst of this uncertain time period, I know that 2020 is the year that I finally accomplish this. So, in short, 2021 I’ll be back on the “dating” field or whatever, but 2020 is my year to literally work. on. myself. This includes: my relationship with myself, my relationship with my friends, family, acquaintances, coworkers, etc., my health regiment, my mental health, my physical health, my emotional health, I think you get the point, right? In a time where some of us feel alone, I feel secure. My days vary and maybe I’ll post something tomorrow where I say “That post was trash, quarantine was terrible,” and while it is on most days, I’m so grateful to connect more deeply with people on a spiritual and conversational level. I was tired of hiding behind my day-to-day busy routine when I finally came to terms with myself.

We are all in this together. We are all processing what we need and want. I use this blog as a way to express and share what so many people keep to themselves. Maybe you can relate, maybe you think I’m too out there. Either way, to each their own.

Until next time.

#quarantine #quarantinechronicles #bloggingfromquarantine

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