#but i was rolling at disadvantage which is heartbreaking

[jamieylnn]

sometimes you just have to match your dice to the ship you're manifesting 🕯️💙💚🕯️

[natasha-in-space]

hallooo! I haven't been using Tumblr as much and not using Tumblr means not reading fics and so I have become very deprived 😭

In that sense, could I please request Saeyoung and MC just messing around? maybe doing something stupid together and it's just super cute?? I love just entertaining myself with the smallest things and I often get carried away with doing so, and I feel like seven would be the same in a way (def not a self insert 👀).

The first thing that came to my mind is some good old play fighting... So, here's you and Saeyoung just having some fun and being ridiculous together without any care in the world! :)

"Sneak attack!!"

All you could do was squeal like a scared kitten, utterly helpless against a pair of strong arms snaking themselves around your waist and trapping you within their sturdy grasp seemingly in an instant. If it wasn't for Saeyoung's giggles - ones that were filled to the brim with playful energy that you have come to know all too well by now - pouring out right into your ear as he pressed you firmly up against his chest, you'd probably be shrieking at the top of your lungs by now.

How in the world did he sneak up on you in your own damn bedroom!? You were certain you didn't hear a single thing!

The urge to whine and cry about just how unfair your circumstances were was almost too powerful for you to bear.

Though, you didn't have much time to ponder over your partner's extraordinary sneaking abilities. In a mere fraction of a second, you were lifted off the floor and thrown into the direction of your shared bed that was littered with plushies of all shapes and sizes in one swift and precise motion. With an awkward cry of protest and utter confusion flying off the tip of your tounge, you found yourself effectively buried under a mountain of your shared plushies, who were much too eager to go along with Saeyoung's unfair attack raining down upon you, without any sign of mercy in sight.

Betrayed by your own plushies you held so dear... What a heartbreaking turn of events this truly was. If only you had the time to do that, you'd probably clutch onto your most treasured penguin plushie and demand answers for such shameless betrayal.

However, only to add to your frustrations, before you could as much as lift yourself up onto your elbows to try and retaliate in some way, you were rudely pushed onto your side, immediately being covered with a thick blanket. All you could do was whine as your redheaded rival and lover effortlessly rolled you into a very grumpy and disoriented burrito, utterly defeated and humiliated.

"No, that's not fair! At least I didn't sneak up on you! You didn't even give me time to react! I demand a fair trial by combat!" You protested loudly, wiggling about in your comfy prison like a worm would, which only seemed to amuse Saeyoung even further. What annoyed you about this whole situation most of all was that you couldn't help but laugh along with him, however hard you tried to keep a stern facade on your face.

Just why is his laugh so unfairly sweet to listen to...?

Huff and bark as you might, you were still very much confined to your forced role of an angry burrito, and you wouldn't be allowed to become human again till your opponent decides to set you free by his own hands. Both of you were quite aware of your disadvantage at the moment, which is why your redheaded boyfriend seized the rare opportunity to crawl on top of you and pinch your hot cheeks in between his slender fingers, watching them getting redder and redder the more flustered you became, much to his delight. "Oh, so putting on cat ears and stealing my favorite shirt without telling me is fair? I almost had a heart attack, seeing you like that first thing in the morning, you know! And don't try to act all innocent with me, naughty kitty... You should know by now that if you run, I will come and find you. So, now I will play around with you to my heart's desire! Muhahaha!"

You were starting to understand how Elizabeth felt whenever she was unfortunate enough to get stuck with Saeyoung roaming nearby, like a stealthy predator. Nevertheless, once he was too distracted by your crimson cheeks, you darted forward, successfully managing to catch one of his unruly fingers in-between your teeth. A huge triumphant grin stretched the corners of your lips, feeling satisfied with an overdramatic gasp exploding from above you where Saeyoung gawked at you, stunned and petrified. It wasn't a hard bite whatsoever, if you could even call it a proper bite at all. You were careful not to hurt him, just as he was highly attentive to your body language in return. After all, this was merely a fun game you two were playing between yourselves... Regardless of how weird or unorthodox your shared play fighting sessions could seem from the outside perspective, you two knew each other better than anyone.

So, you were quick to steal the reigns from him once more, taking advantage of his fleeting vulnerability.

"And what are you planning to do with me now, Mr. kidnapper? Roll me around the bed or something? Looks like you didn't plan through your revenge as well as you thought... So much for 'genius engineer'! Or, are you, perhaps, scared of leaving my hands free? You did turn as red as a tomato this morning, and I didn't even get to do anything yet..." You innocently fluttered your lashes at him, putting on a false pout and purposefully trying to make your voice sound as sweet as honey.

After all, two can play this game.

It didn't take long for Saeyoung's false bravado to come crushing down, forcing him to whine and collapse on the bed next to you, burying his burning face in the crook of your neck. You merely giggled, straining your neck a bit in order to nuzzles into his fiery red hair. "Gaaahhh... Don't- Don't do that! Now who's the cruel one here..."

"I'm afraid I can't do or say much on this thought provoking, since I'm nothing but a burrito for you to cuddle... This is truly a tragedy." You sighed, stifling a sniffle or two.

"I was defeated by a burrito... How do I live on with this shame inside me...?"

"Guess there's only one thing for you to do now, brave Knight Saeyoung... You must... cuddle the burrito that was meant for you to cuddle right from the start. Face your fears head on."

"You do make the cutest burrito I have ever seen, Y/N."

This was probably the weirdest compliment you have ever gotten, but you didn't complain.

[natsbaby]

Stop Running

Main Pairing: older!Natasha Romanoff x younger!Reader

Secondary Pairings: platonic!Wanda Maximoff x Reader, mentioned Bucky Barnes x Natasha Romanoff, mentioned Bruce Banner x Natasha Romanoff

Summary: as the youngest Avenger in the team, they all see you as their younger sibling and it doesn’t help that your crush sees you the same way as they do

Warnings: sad baby gay moments </33, angst, baby’s first heartbreak

A/N: okay admittedly, this is heavily based on my experience with crushes and stuff when I first realized I was bisexual and stuff so feel free to laugh at my poor baby gay moments because honestly who wouldn’t after the shit I’ve done 🤦🏻‍♀️ this has a potential of having a part two but in an alternative timeline if that makes sense so lmk if that’s something worth reading! Hope you guys enjoy this one!

All hers [pt 2]

The concept of love is the strangest thing anyone can go through in their life. Despite what’s being shown on movies of characters going through the emotional turmoil of being in love with someone and the struggles that comes with it, you were never told that the feeling of your heart being emotionally crushed would hurt more than any physical injury you’ve endured by far. This totally proves that anything can get worse in life. This also made you realize at a ripe age of 18 that maybe men isn’t for you after all.

Being the youngest Avengers gave you the perks of meeting anyone and everyone, while giving you the disadvantage of literally everything else. You were forced to grow up at a really young age due to your rough upbringing and as a result, never truly had a childhood but you wouldn’t have it any other way.

Honestly speaking this is only because you get to meet the woman, who turns out to be your first same sex crush, named Natasha Romanoff. She is the woman who can make anyone fall to their knees with a bat of her lashes, and make any man kill one another to get the chance to breathe the same air as that woman. As luck would turn out, you have the absolute privilege to have Natasha as the woman who made you realize you’re gay.

You frantically slam your door closed as you let out a sigh of relief, leaning back against your door as you calm your speeding heart rate down before you get a heart attack. You just came from training and gosh you were not ready to see Nat in the gym wearing a pair of leggings that totally perks her butt up more than normal and her sports bra pressing her breasts tighter against her chest, showing her cleavage more than normal. You shake your head frantically as you try to get the mental image out of your head, removing your scrunchie out of your hair so your natural H/C comes out in waves.

“Gosh I need to get a grip” you roll your eyes at yourself as you grab a loose shirt and cycling shorts to take a quick shower. After grabbing the shorts from your dresser, you hear a knock on the door.

“Y/N?” Your eyes widen at the sound of the familiar red head’s voice, looking around quickly to hide before realizing that sounds absolutely stupid. “You busy?”

“N-no” you refrain yourself from face palming after your voice cracked, clearing your throat as you put your clothes down. “Come in Nat”

Nat opens your door, leaning against the doorframe with that absolute killer smile that would make anyone unconsciously sigh in love, which you are trying so hard not to do right now especially now that you see her in a simple oversized sweater and sweatpants that just highlights her natural beauty. “Sorry to bother, but Roger’s calling for a meeting and asked you to come”

Nat raises her eyebrow in confusion as you didn’t answer her, clearing her throat slightly to get your attention. “Earth to Y/N? You okay?”

You blink for a moment before realizing you completely zoned out on Nat, looking at the time quickly before smiling shyly in embarrassment.

“Oh sorry, yea I’ll just take a quick shower then I’ll go down” she nods in understanding before waving goodbye and closing the door behind her.

You groan as you flop down to your bed, covering your eyes with your arms. “Fucking stupid lil shit”

You grumble as you face palm, sighing in defeat as you get up to shower before the meeting.

You already knew that this day wouldn’t go well the moment you woke up, but the world is seriously not on your side the moment you walked into that room for the meeting Steve called. Apparently, the meeting’s about the mission you recently went to with Bucky and Steve, which was a recon mission, that almost went wrong only because you were distracted.

That day specifically was a week ago, and that day you realized how much you truly liked Nat more than an older mentor-student dynamic but more on please-marry-me-even-though-im-half-your-age. It was a sudden mission since you weren’t supposed to go but didn’t have the choice in the matter, as a result you almost blew up a small town outside of Italy.

“I already said I was sorry” you mumble loud enough for Tony and Wanda to hear, who were sitting at either side of you, as Steve goes to town pointing out your mistakes and flaws.

“Sorry doesn’t cut it if you almost obliterated a town Y/N” he says strictly as he points at the pictures projected on the screen behind him which shows recent photos Sam took of the town.

“They’re still alive right? You gotta give me credit for that” you try to explain but apparently that made Steve even more mad as he gets even louder. The weight of the situation starts to eat at you as you start to unconsciously cower in fear before covering it up as you look down to your hands to not see the disappointed looks of your colleagues.

Nat notices that you’re trying to not break down in a room full of adults, her eyes softening at the poor girl across the table. She puts a hand on top of Steve’s shoulder as she stands up, glaring at him. “Down soldier, She gets it”

A lump forms on your throat as you hear Nat, a tear forming as you discretely wipe it away as Steve glares at Nat in return.

“She doesn’t realize that every action has a consequence and the damages done on Alberobello is something we can’t ignore!” Steve starts as he starts to argue with Nat. “She needs to learn that we can’t just ignore these things because of how young she is so she needs to deal with her punishment so no missions for a month and training with either Bucky or I”

Your whip your head up to look at Steve in shock as the frustration starts to come up to the surface. “You can’t do that! That is so unfair-“

“No buts” Steve cuts you off as he crosses his arms across his chest. “You may leave now, the adults will discuss more things”

You give Steve a death glare as you get up harshly causing the chair you just sat on to fall back, grabbing the folder you brought with you and storming out of the meeting room as you hear Tony’s “way to go fossil man” and Nat’s “that was uncalled for” in the background.

“Y/N? Come on open up” you hear someone, a female, say as they gently knock on your door.

“She’s not gonna answer you, I already tried” you hear another voice say, a male this time, say in an exhausted tone.

You hear a sigh before a thud right after, a waft of brownies start to creep in from under your door.

“I made you some brownies so you can cheer up” Wanda coaxes gently before pausing for a moment. “When you’re up for it, come to my room so we can talk okay? Come on Pete”

You hear their footsteps walk away as you bring the blanket further up and over your head as you sniffle and wipe the last bit of tears away. It’s been a few hours since that meeting happened and you’ve just been crying in your room this entire time. You peek your head out of the blanket to check the time, getting up and leaning on your elbow as you realized it’s already 10 pm.

You hear your tummy growl as you take a good smell of the brownies Wanda made. You get up and gently open the door, looking out just in case someone comes out. You pick up the plate from the floor and attempt to close the door before you see a foot come in and stop the door from closing. “Nat, seriously? What are we 5?”

The red head chuckles at your light teasing as she gently opens the door with her hand slightly. “May I come in?”

You think about it for a moment and of course going against any better judgement, you give her a nod as you allow her to come in and close the door behind her. You walk to your bed and sitting down so you can grab a small piece of the brownie and eating it.

Nat sits down besides you, taking a small piece of the brownie as well as you offer it to her and eating in silence for a bit.

“So, are you ready to talk now?” She asks after eating her share of the brownie, turning to look at you. You shake your head no in response as you put the plate on your side table and getting under your sheets. Nat sighs softly in response, getting up on the bed and crawling up to lay besides you.

“Okay I’ll accept that, do you want to watch a movie instead?” You look at her for a moment before nodding slowly making Nat smile. She grabs your tablet and put up your favorite movie to cheer you up a bit. She sits up so she can lean back against your headboard, playing the movie as you both fall into a comfortable silence while watching.

You start to slowly get out from under the sheets just enough that you’re cuddling with Nat as she starts to play with your hair unconsciously, twirling the strands a bit to eventually making tiny little braids unconsciously. You feel yourself relax in your crush’s arms, giving yourself the chance to watch Nat as she watches the movie.

You notice the little things with Nat like how she’d silently mouth some of the characters lines for the things she watched already, or how she’d light up a little whenever she’s pleased with the character’s move in romance or action movies. It shows a side of Nat that not a lot of people would notice, and it makes your heart skip a beat at the idea.

Being able to experience this sense of normalcy while being an avenger is a rare experience and being able to feel that, with someone you truly care for, is a privilege you plan to take advantage of while you still can.

For a moment, you felt like maybe you have a chance with the older avenger and maybe, she’d like you back. This caused your walls to come down further as you cuddle closer to her. That was, until you came back to your senses about what’s going on the moment you feel your heart tighten. You bring your walls back up as you get out from her hold, causing Nat to tear her attention away from the movie and back at you.

“Y/N? You okay?” You nod as you get up. “I think it’s time for you to go, I’ll be fine”

“Y/N/N I-“ you cut off Nat with a shake of your head and a smile you hope she doesn’t question as much. “I’ll let you know, but I’m fine I promise”

Nat stops for a moment to read you, but decides to just follow your wishes with a nod. She gets up and walks up to the door, stopping in front of it with her hand on the knob.

“You know I’ll always be here for you, no matter what right? And that you can trust me with anything” you hum in response as you play with the string of your sweatpants.

“I know, and I’ll talk to you later okay? I’m just a little tired, that’s all” she nods in acknowledgement and leaves your room. You take a silent deep breath before clutching onto your chest where your heart is, hoping to calm down the growing anxiety and pain in your heart.

“Gosh why does this hurt so much”

“You need to stop running and move on from your crush with her, it’s killing you everyday” Wanda says as she bends over the pool table, aiming at the blue ball in front of her.

“I’m seriously trying Wan” you sigh in defeat as you put down the chalk used for the pole, leaning onto the pole while resting your chin on your arm thats holding onto the pole. “She’s my first love, you never forget your first love”

“I’m not saying to forget, I’m saying that you should just..” she trails off as she focuses for a brief moment, jerking her hand to hit the ball. The ball rolls off and falls into the pocket, making the older witch grin. “Shoot your shot to get everything over with. If she accepts which we know she might not, at least you get a girlfriend. If not, which is what we expect, then you can move on”

You both know that Bruce and Bucky are currently trying to woo Nat and honestly you can’t blame her if she goes for them. You knew deep down that they’re more fit for her than you are with her given that Bucky had history with Nat and Bruce’s just a charmingly nerdy man. You groan as you bang your forehead against the pole lightly making her chuckle.

“Our poor baby avenger” she cooes as she goes to you, patting your head gently. “Experiencing her first love problem, they grow up so fast”

“Who’s having a love problem?”

You both jump at Nat’s voice, turning to face the ex-assassin who’s grabbing a pool pole from the rack. “May I?”

“Jesus Nat” you exhale as you loosen your grip from the pole in your hands making both redheads laugh at your reaction.

“Be our guest, I feel like our little baby would rather you take over for her” Wanda says, a slight smirk gracing her lips as she hears your thoughts, and her smirk widens as you look at Wanda with a “god please no” look.

Nat chuckles softly as she walks up to the table, analyzing the layout in front of her. “Entertain me a bit, who’s Y/N’s new love interest?”

“A girl from her school, right Y/N?” Wanda asks you as you freeze on the spot causing Nat to glance at you for a moment before looking back at the table. “A girl?”

“Y-yea” your voice cracks from the pressure. “I mean yea, she’s really nice and really pretty”

“Yea she’s Y/N/N’s gay awakening”

“You don’t say” she mutters to herself as she leans forward to position the pole to her desired position. Your eyes immediately trail down to Nat’s ass.

You feel Wanda hitting you on the arm, gasping in shock as you give her a glare. She glares back as she discreetly motions for you to stop being obvious with staring at Nat’s ass.

“So Y/N, tell me about this special girl who made you question or realize yourself” Nat asks as she hits the white ball that hits a series of other balls.

“This is your chance to indirectly confess” you hear Wanda project into your mind, you nod in response.

“Uhh well” you start as you think about Nat, smiling slightly at the thought of her. “She’s definitely the kind to care for the people in her life, and really be the voice for those who needs it”

Nat glances up at you briefly to see that dazed love look on your face, a smile graces her lips before looking back down to hit another ball. “What else?”

“She’s sooooo pretty and charming” you say with that dreamy tone making the two redheads chuckle. “But she’s also the kind of person who wants redemption and…” you trail off to think of the words that would describe what you feel.

“Makes you want to take care of them because they don’t have anyone for that?” Nat finishes for you making both you and Wanda’s eyes to widen in shock. “Do I know this girl?”

“Oh god she’s onto you” Wanda projects into your mind as you slowly nod in agreement.

“So, do I?” Nat asks again as she stands back up for Wanda to take her shot. She walks to the other side of the table where you are, and grabs the chalk used for the pool pole and rubs it against the tip.

“Oh no you don’t” you say while waving your hands frantically.

Nat chuckles softly at you as she puts the chalk cube down before looking at you with a curious look. “If you like her so much, why not tell her?”

“If I do, she might not be my friend anymore and it’s scary for someone I care for to leave me you know” you say softly as you twirl the pole around in your hands.

“If I may join in the conversation” Wanda says as she hits the white ball for the adjacent ball to fall into another pocket. “If she cares for you also, she wouldn’t leave you”

“I agree with Wands” Nat says as she takes her turn. “If that girl has experience in that aspect and lets say she does decline you, then she would know how to let you down gently”

“I can’t believe we’re talking about this right now” you grunt to yourself, putting the pole down so you can grab your water bottle. “Can I just not tell her?”

“You don’t have to tell her, but if it helps you move on then I don’t see why not. As what Nat said, I feel like she’d be mature enough or maybe even cares for you enough to let you down gently if she were to say so” Wanda says nonchalantly as she hits another ball, but groans as it hits the wrong ball. “Dammit”

“If I were to suggest your next course of action” Nat starts as she goes up to you, putting her hand on your head and gently pats your head affectionately. “Follow your heart. If it tells you to confess, do it. If not, then you would know what to do and don’t over think it okay?”

You look into Nat’s eyes to see nothing but affection and care for you, making you avert your eyes away from Nat as you feel your heart speeding up. You bite on your lower lip as you nod in response.

Nat tilts her head to the side slightly as she analyzes you but thinks nothing of it as she puts the pool pole away. “I better get going, Bucky wanted to talk to me and I just wanted to kill some time. See you two later?”

Wanda waves goodbye to Nat as she leaves, leaving the two of you in an eerily quiet room.

“She totally knows” Wanda says as the both of you stare at the door where Nat just came from. You slowly nod in agreement as you feel the deep pit of your stomach fall, making you slightly light headed in anxiety.

“Oh yea for sure, I’m screwed”

Later that day, it’s currently 11 pm and you’re sitting by the compound’s bar as you swirl around the vodka cranberry you made for yourself.

Ever since your conversation with Nat and Wanda at the game room hours prior, your heart hasn’t stopped beating as if it’s trying to get out of your chest and run to Nat. The pit in your stomach just further goes down the more you think about it, causing you to toss and turn in bed. It had gone to the point that you couldn’t even sleep anymore and just decided to rely on getting knocked out with a little help of Thor’s asguardian liquor.

“Aren’t you too young to be drinking right now, sweetheart?”

“If it’ll help then I don’t see why not” you mutter as you take a sip of your drink while Nat walks up to you, her heels clacking on the tiled surface and goes behind the bar to make something for herself. You look up to see Nat in a form-fitting black dress that shows just enough cleavage that its still R13 and matching louboutins. Her hair and makeup done to absolute perfection that brings Jessica Rabbit to shame.

“You look nice tonight Nat” you compliment her with a soft smile. “Came from a date?”

Nat hums in response as she pouts some vodka into a glass. “With Bucky yes, it went rather well to be fair with the old soldier”

You feel your heart shatter at that, causing you to hold onto the glass a little tighter. “Oh really? That’s good right?”

“It is” she starts as she turns to face you with the glass in her hand. “I’m just not sure if its something worth long term you know”

You feel your heart come back together again making you internally groan at how quickly your heart can break and mend back together again for this woman. “Yea I think I get it”

“You do?” Nat looks at you with a raised eyebrow, bringing the glass up to her ruby red lips. “Do tell, detka”

You shrug in response as you swirl your drink slightly as Nat drinks her own. “I know I’m just 18 almost 19 but I can’t help but feel jealous for those people who finds their soulmates at a young age you know. Kind of makes me wanna settle down already with someone”

Nat watches you for a moment as you finish your drink, pouring you another glass of vodka into your glass. “An old soul in a teenagers body, how interesting”

You blush at her compliment, chuckling slightly as you silently thank Nat for the drink. “Well what can I say, forced to grow up after all”

You both fall into a comfortable silence while taking sips of your drinks. You run your finger along the rim of the glass, a gentle hum fills the air. “Can I ask you something?”

“What is it?” Nat asks as she leans onto the bar counter as she watches you continuously create that gentle and sweet melody from the glass.

You take a deep breath as you think here goes nothing, just wanting to get it over with. “You know, don’t you?”

“I’m a spy Y/N/N, of course I knew” she says gently, not wanting to scare you off. “I wanted you to make the first move in case I read you wrong”

“Sometimes I wish you weren’t a spy you know” you mumble as you stop without looking up, clasping your hands together as you squeeze. “Is it safe for me to assume that I’m wrong?”

Nat pauses to think for a moment, humming in thought. “Sadly yes, although I do wish you were born a little closer to my time if you get me”

You nod in response without looking at Nat. You hear the clacking of her heels and feel a gentle kiss being placed on the top of your head.

“Don’t beat yourself up detka, it’s not the end of the world okay? I love you, just not in the way you pray for” Nat starts, trying to get a feel of what you’re feeling but you’re doing a good job concealing what you’re feeling right now.

“I truly care for you, that’s why I have to tell you this because I don’t want you to hurt yourself. I’ll leave you be for now and when you’re ready, lets watch a movie okay?” You nod in response as Nat walks away.

What Nat didn’t, or maybe she didn’t want to, notice was the slight tremble of your shoulders as you try to keep everything in with your walls up high to the sky. You hear the door close behind her, finally allowing your tears to trail down your cheeks and onto your hands below with a choked sob.

You let out a deep breath you didn’t know you were holding as you look up at the ceiling. You feel your heart shatter into a million pieces and fall onto the ground just to be stomped at a thousand times. You process what just happened but no matter how many times you play that conversation back in your mind, all you can think of is how Bucky managed to win the heart of your first love and how you’re experiencing your first heart break.

You feel your world crumbling around you over some woman who won then broke your heart. Another sob wrecks through your entire body as you try to keep the feelings in, thinking that this is just normal for everyone to experience so it shouldn’t be an issue.

You couldn’t help but let out a watery chuckle as tears continuously fall down, staining the tissue on the table and your light colored sweater.

“Wow” you waterly say, wiping the tears away with the palm of your hands. You clear your throat and chug down the straight vodka Nat poured onto your glass, putting the glass down as you glance at her glass with her lipstick stain in front of you.

“Love is such a big pain in the ass”

[juiceboxman]

New D&D Book Out: Candlekeep Mysteries

There’s a new D&D book out that lists several different adventures that can be incorporated into many different campaigns, be they module based or home brew. The adventures are primarily mystery based and each mystery is suitable for different levels, going from 1st level to 16th level. 

They’re written and edited by very talented people. My personal favourite adventure was the one written by Amy Vorphal (who some of you may know rom D20s Escape From the Bloodkeep) the story of which is so insane and I love it.

But while these adventures are mystery based, we of course get some cool new monsters. My favourite of which I’ll list down below;

Swarm of Animated Books 

Canopic Golem

Cloud Giant Ghost

Corrupted Avatar of Lurue (which could be used for a corrupted unicorn)

Grippli, a new Frog people who are about the size of Gnomes

Hag of Fetid Gaze, a Coven of Green Hags that make for a really interesting adventure that could have some serious ramifications for your campaign. Very interesting stuff and some fun game mechanics as well- I particularly enjoyed the exercise game mechanics they implemented in this adventure

Shemshime, absolutely terrifying creature from a very interesting story suitable for low level players. The adventure proves that you don’t have to stick to bandits or goblins for low level PCs, you can definitely do some weird stuff at low levels

Bak Mei and some other monk based enemies. I personally love having more Monk based stat blocs for NPCs and I really loved how the adventure expands the lore around Ki

Skitterwidget, a creature the size of a large dog that looks similar to a cockroach. It may not look approachable, but the Skitterwidget is one of my favourite monsters in the book because it literally has a reaction entitled “Good Parent” where if someone tried to attack one of their offspring that is within 5ft of it, they use their reaction to impose disadvantage on the roll. This monster is in Amy Vorphal’s adventure and I gotta say there can be some shenanigans with these things and I’m all for it

Mirrym, also known as a Sentinel Wyrm. The ghost of a silver dragon who was bound to protect a portion of the library, all that remains of her is her spectral head

Lichen Lich, a Druid who pursues the path to Lichdom. A very nasty monster that accompanies one of the more heartbreaking adventures in the book. Those who listen to NADDPOD are aware of a similar Enemy NPC who has similar features. Very interesting monster to incorporate if you have a Circle of Spores druid in your campaign 

Finally, one of my favourite stat blocks that I’ll definitely include in my own campaign; Arrant Quill. He is part of a very interesting story and he is a high level bard, very interesting NPC who could be used for all sorts of things. I myself particularly love his Supreme Mockery attack, in which he hurls a bunch of insults at an enemy and if they fail a wisdom save they take 12d10 psychic damage and have disadvantage on their next attack. Very fun mechanic. There’s way too many Wizard NPCs and not nearly enough Bard NPCs so this is a breath of fresh air

These are my favourite monsters/NPCs from the recent book Candlekeep Mysteries. Definitely worth buying, both for the stat blocks and if you want to incorporate some mystery into your campaigns

[abizarreyodelingincident]

Linked Universe: Our Nightly Confidant 1

Wind From Home

Twilight considers himself a simple man. A farmer at heart, even if he has the hands of a hero. He's grown in a small village, where everyone knows everything about everyone else. Community is a sense that's been cultivated in him as well as pumpkins on a sky island (whatever that saying means).

He loves his brothers and his sort of dad. This quest... he doesn't want to say it's a blessing. It isn't. The monsters threaten many. Their group hasn't always saved everyone. It's no blessing that hurts so many. But he can't help rejoice the opportunity to meet so many heroes. To find his place in the legacy of the Hero of Courage.

As a Hylian from a human village, he's never worried about his place, but he does find peace in belonging to a group with no such innate distance.

He's one of the oldests, weird as that is. Most of the group are like little siblings to him. Weird, insane and irreverent little shits that give him grey hair. No, he's not thinking exclusively about Wild (Wild's a special case). He's attuned to their moods.

Four asked if he had a special sense for this, the second time he'd done it. A 'special' sense, he had insisted in the middle of their training camp, meaning wolf senses. No. Twilight doesn't feel one side of him bleeds into the other. It's not like that.

It's not what makes his eyes trail after Wind today. His youngest brother (barely losing to Colin by a season) is currently laughing his ass off on a tree stump over Warriors tripping on Legend's items. It is denied, not very convincingly, that the items weren't left there on purpose. Little shits, he's telling you.

The truth is more down to earth, the way Twilight likes it. Dogs train themselves to recognize hylian expressions. They know what sadness and joy and anger look like all too well. They know when to cheer their big two-legged friends. And a wolf? Well, a wolf better learn fast the difference between a real smile and a fake if it doesn't want to end up stuck in a bear trap.

***

First watch is always a bit nerve wracking. Unlike second and third watch, Twilight can't just shift into wolf form to sniff out enemies and make sure the whole forest is secure. Links don't fall asleep easily. Legend wakes up at the slightest noise for the first two hours he looks asleep. Time might just stare at the sky the whole night, not getting a wink of sleep. Sometimes, Twilight himself just... can't stop thinking. Wondering where she is now. If she's alright. If Ordon's safe without him. Once in a while, he'll close his eyes and hear Lumi crying, and Uli's quiet steps to shush her.

The other half of the time, it's staying asleep that's the problem. The Goddesses know they all have plenty of material to fuel their nightmares (he's never forgetting Yeta's face, he's resigned to that).

When the moon's path has almost reached its zenith, Twilight hears the first few moans. His heart drops. He hoped. But he's not surprised. Sometimes, the heart can't take the weight of the mask people plaster on.

It starts small. It always does.

For a time, it's mostly sniffles and choked sobs. Then a small 'I'm sorry.' Twilight grimaces. None of them show their scar easily. The deep scars, at least. Wind wouldn't appreciate an audience. Unfortunately, Twilight can't exactly leave. The next best thing however is to try and cut it short.

So, decision made, he creeps around camp, places himself behind Wind and shakes his shoulder. (Carefully. The group collectively learned not to take sleeping Links lightly. At least, Sky had laughed out the black eye with grace.)

“Hey, Sailor,” he whispers, hoping none of the others react. “It's your turn.”

In truth, it's a touch early for that. But he knows he made the right call when Wind rubs his eyes and freezes at the wet feeling on his fingers. He'd been in the middle of turning around, but he immediately fakes a stumble and buries his face in his rolled up blankets instead. It's a good cover to wipe tears without being too obvious.

Twilight would be impressed if that didn't send pangs of worry through his chest. Oh, Wind...

“Mrm,” Wind mumbles. “One minute?”

“Sure, I gotta take a leak anyway.”

“Yeah, yeah, piss off.” Wind waves him off from under the blanket.

Twilight smiles to himself. He should ask Wind to direct a play next time they visit his Hyrule. Queen Zelda was always in need of entertainment for the stuffy dignitaries. Jackasses couldn't crack a smile if they were whipped.

That faint irritation pushes him toward the end of the camp line, out of the clearing. Once he's out of sight and hearing range, he grabs onto his cursed necklace and sneaks through the underbrush. His senses make navigating through the twigs and branches child's play, and the lack of any pig-like stench reassures him that there's no malice-infected monster around. In less than a minute, he has circled around the camp and positioned himself the near opposite of where his hylian form left through. Generally, people don't make the association if he leaves a few minutes tick by. Out of sight, out of mind.

It's a bit embarrassing how well that trick works.

Wind's head is turned in the direction he disappeared earlier. Skittish, like a rabbit looking out of its hole. Wind must be waiting for him to return from his manly business, which is a bit of a lost bet at the moment. Seconds tick with only the faint brushing of leaves on his fur and the nightly wind for company. Then, all at once, Wind stands up and stomps his way to the stump Twilight had been using for his turn at the watch.

“Damn it!” Wind curses under his breath. The tears are held at bay, barely. “There's no way he didn't see... calm down, calm down dammit, he's gonna come back soon!”

A small boot kicks off some dirt. Twilight flinches in his hiding spot. That's more anger than expected. He's not sure what to do with that. None of them like vulnerability. None of them are used to being allowed vulnerability. He's worked on Wild and Time for a while now, and he's making progress, even if it's only them opening up to him.

It's that same instinct that pushes him to walk through the bush and reveal himself. He's as non-threatening as a large wolf can be, but Wind still whirls around with his sword drawn. Recognition is a second slower.

“Wolfie!” Wind whisper-yells. “Bad dog! I almost skewered you!”

Twilight raises one eyebrow, unimpressed. He is most certainly not a bad dog, and he is quite experienced at dodging last second hits by flailing, surprised preys. Not that he even thought of Wind as prey, never, but Wind didn't have to imply he'd be that stupid.

“Oi, what are you looking at?” Wind grumbles, dropping back on his tree stump. “Stupid dog...”

Twilight fights the urge to growl. He's here to help, not pick a fight. Unfortunately, his struggle had been obvious, because Wind deflates and sheaths his sword.

“Sorry. It's just... I'd been doing so well so far,” he whispers. “Even if they're big mother cuccos about me sometimes, they still listened to me.”

Twilight feels his tail curl between his legs. He knows he's overprotective. He knows it's annoying Wind, but he can't help it when every other time they fight, he sees Colin rushing into the path of King Bulblin.

“Hey, hey, don't be sad.” Wind cajoles, patting his knee like an invitation.

Twilight's too happy to question the change. He plops his chin on Wind knees and looks up. Small, calloused hands run into his fur.

“Do you have family, Wolfie?”

… What? For a second, he slips out of grasp just to better stare at Wind. Then, he sniffs his breath for a second, and whilst there's a fair amount of onions there (dental hygiene, Sailor!), no traces of booze anywhere. So, he softly woofs, tilting his head to the side.

“Do you have a she-wolf and a litter of little pups that trip all over themselves? I bet you're a good dad, aren't you?”

Twilight can't help the shocked whine that burst out of his throat, nor the flattened ears on top of his head. Him? A dad? He was far too young for that! Being a brother to Wild alone was trouble enough as it was, fatherhood remained firmly beyond his grasp. Besides... it wasn't like he had someone with whom...

“Aww,” Wind cooed, scratching behind his ears, “I didn't want to scare you, Wolfie. I just thought you take good care of us, s'all. I bet you'll be a good dad someday.”

Flattered as he is, he can't help puff and huff into Wind's shirt. He's a noble beast, talked down to like a lap dog. At least, he successfully distracted Wind from what nightmare he had.

Together, they listened to the crackling embers, moving only when the flames needed another log or when a critter stumbled too close to camp (a very curious rat that scampered when it met Twilight's eyes).

“How much did he drink?” Wind mutters, a bit later. “Did he pass out with his breeches down?”

A low growl rumbles into his chest. The disadvantage of others not knowing he's Wolfie is hearing that kind of crap about himself. He's a misunderstood man condemned by the judgemental Links of the world.

“What? Don't like him? Twilight's okay. Most of the time. Like, he saw me cry. I know he did. He knows I know, but he still pretended not to... you know?”

Twilight's best deadpan glare expresses that yes, he knows. More importantly, he puts a paw on Wind's chest, making a small inquisitive noise. Why? Did he need to share it with a very innocent wolf that doesn't judge anyone and anything except Warriors' morning hair?

The fragile grin on Wind's face falters. His eyes dart around. “I... it's not like... You won't laugh, right?”

Twilight nods emphatically.

“It's nothing too bad. I just miss my sister and my grandma.”

Oh, Wind...

“... Please don't tell the others,” Wind said in a tiny voice. “They already have a hard enough time taking me seriously. I don't want them to think I'm being a baby who cries about his family.”

The confusion can't overtake the lance of shame and heartbreak that spears through Twilight's body. Had... had they pushed Wind into this? Made him think that because they hide their tears, they'd laugh at his?! Goddesses... Uli would smack him with her wooden spoon for making a mess like this.

Again.

He might have been a bit overbearing once his quest had ended. Colin had been happy about the attention... the first three days or so. Afterward... well... Uli and Rusl had taken him aside, put their feet down and helped him let go of his dead grip on his little brother's safety. And half the monsters he'd faced had nothing on the challenge of letting Colin make his own mistake. He thought he'd gotten better about this.

But he might have forgotten Wind was not nearly as tolerant or hesitant as Colin.

“I'm a Hero too. I'm strong. Why would I cry over nothing? My grandma and my sister are fine. I bet we'll be portaled in my Hyrule soon and I'll have worried for nothing and Twilight and Warriors will be right to treat me like a fragile little boy again.”

He's not. They all know he's not. He's just... the youngest. The most cheerful, most innocent, most... most well-adjusted of them all, and they want so badly for Wind to keep that. He's a wonderful young man. They're all so proud, so impressed with him.

He's gonna have a few conversations with Warriors and Time tomorrow. Goddesses!

“Hey, Wolfie... I know you don't like being around too long, but... Do you mind staying a bit?”

Twilight chuffs, stubbornly burying his face even deeper in his little brother's shoulder. As if someone would be able to pry him off Wind before morning.

***

“Do you ever feel a strange sadness as dusk falls?”

Wind looks up sharply, startled but unwilling to admit it. He'd been polishing that long view of his by himself. “What?” he says, and there's an implied 'the fuck?!' in there. Pirates...

Twilight brushes the grass and then sits on the hill, staring past the coast at the red sun. “My father told me that, the day before I left on my quest. Neither of us knew then I'd have a quest soon, of course. But it stuck with me.”

For a long time, Wind's expression shifted between fascination, embarrassment and a bit of confusion. Twilight really needed to teach him how to maintain a poker face before he played cards with Warriors again. Still, there's no rush.

For all that it tears him in half, dusk also has a way to sooth his old aches. It's a peaceful time. A moment when the day dies, when the living settle and close their doors.

“It's the horizon, for me,” Wind admits. “When I... the first time, I'd never ever left my island, and all of a sudden, I had to leave because that huge ass bird had kidnapped my sister. So I had to leave my home for the first time, and I was on Tetra's boat, staring at Outset Island shrinking and shrinking till it was gone. Even when I pulled out my sister's long view, all I could find was the waves of the Great Sea.”

“Ah, a boar and a bulblin got my brother, my childhood friend and a bunch of kids. Knocked me right out with a hit to the head.”

Wind pulled his lips together and narrowed his eyes. “Well... I didn't get hit or anything, but Tetra threw me out of a cannon so I could infiltrate the fortress. Hit my face pretty hard too. That counts?”

“It wasn't a competition!” Twilight laughs, ruffling Wind's hair. It causes a flinch, and that's the light-hearted mood gone. Great. Twilight breathes through his nose. “You know, sometimes, I really want to smack my dad upside the head.”

Wind blinks. “... Okay?”

“Every goshdarn time I see the sun set, I remember him and my mom and my brother and sister, and... home. Every sunset reminds me of home. Makes me miss it so bad. Now I can't help feel that strange sadness every time.”

Silence.

A snort.

“Goddesses damned!” Wind wheezes out through his laugh. “He...”

“Yup,” Twilight says, leaning his chin on his fist. “He didn't think that one through. Bit of a self-fulfilling prophecy, ain't it? So, I do want to make him think before he spouts philosophy at me.”

“Hey, hey, Twilight!” Wind says, impish, tugging on his sleeves. Then, the second he has Twilight's attention, he puts on the most serious face he ever wore. “Do you ever feel a strange sadness... as you put on your pants?”

“You little shit,” he says, brimming with affection.

Wind, not to be undone, jumps to his feet. “Do you ever feel a strange sadness... as you drink milk?”

“Oi,” Twilight stands after him, darting right after the brat.

“Not the strange sadness of being chased by a goatherd!”

Two minutes. Two minutes and six variations of the most profound saying his farmer dad told him. Butchered. Butchered like a lame goat in winter. Twilight is both furious and delighted and it might be why, when he does catch Wind, he unleashes the noogie from hell.

Wind's screams, so closely related to that of a dying piglet, are very satisfying. Worth the kicks to the ribs.

And when retribution is served, Twilight shifts the hold into a one-sided hug with the smooth grace of a man who regularly pretends not to be the wolf that is never seen with him. Wind freezes, realization sharp on his face when he notices the tears gathering in Twilight's eyes.

“But the first thing I'd do if I saw him tomorrow... is hug him. Tell him I'm glad he's okay and that I missed him. Then I'd smack him and run for the hills, because Rusl happens to be the only guy in my village that knows how to use a sword.”

After a whole body shudder, Wind gives up and buries himself in his big brother's shoulder.

[rekkingcrew]

Campaign Debrief

So for nearly 2 years I ran an Edge of the Empire campaign with 3-4 players, mostly weekly. These last couple of months we’ve been using discord, which has gone great. I want to get down some of my thoughts about what worked and what didn’t. 

This is gonna be a big wall of text and all but two bits are gonna be under the cut: system and play style. 

Fantasy Flight Star Wars game system is legit my favorite system EVER. (Not to dick wave or anything, but that’s including D&Ds 2-5, Gurps, White Wolf, Blades in the Dark, Dungeon World, Deadlands, and a few miscellaneous other short form ones). The system of advantages and disadvantages, and especially triumphs and despairs rather than just straight successes and failures really opens up complex narrative opportunities and gives a chance for wild story beats that just would not have happened otherwise. The fights go fast but feel meaty and there’s a lot of room to pitch advantages to your friends so you’re not just waiting your turn. Character creation is granular enough that your choices always feel meaningful, and points can be spent anywhere, so you can really specialize and shape your character. 

We played very collaboratively and it made things AMAZING. Part of this is that we were all good friends and have played together for a while now. Our taste in what kind of story we want is similar- nuggets of drama scattered throughout, but mostly cutting up. A lot of the best NPCs and story suggestions came from my players rather than from me- our season one boss villain, Imperial spymaster “Uncle” Karston Severax, a pantoran ex-special forces black operative whose current public face was a Mr. Rogers-esque children’s TV presenter, for example, was someone my players started out and all of us collective “yes and” added to around the table, and he was JUST THE BEST. These kind of exchanges also gave us moments like the time our tech tried to blackmail the head of a security corporation with the fact that he was having an affair and he’d written just LOADS of incredibly cringey fanfiction; but the roll was such that the attempt ended with him finally getting the push he needed to quit a job he hated, get out of a marriage that just wasn’t working, and follow his dream of self-publishing. He even dedicated his first book to our slicer. Because it wasn’t a DM vs Players atmosphere, because we were all on the same page, I could ask my players “hey, what do you want for your triumph?” and “all right, so who is the NPC you know?” as well as just “that’s enough to finish this guy, what does this look like?” This campaign was 1000% better for sharing that world building load, and the players were all, I think, more invested. 

more below the cut. 

What Worked

One of the most useful things I ever did was start giving players morality pet NPCs that were their special hench people, and I’m embarrassed that I waited so long to assign one to our droid. 

The zero session was absolutely invaluable in setting the tone of the game and the relationship between characters, and I will bang this drum until I’m fucking blue in the face. Don’t meet in the first session. Sit the players down and say “how do you know each other, why do you stay together, what are some of your past adventures?” It’s just so much better. 

Cameos and ties to our other games, in what we’ve been calling “The Drax Kreiger Expanded Universe” have continued to be welcome pretty much every time. People were delighted to have a moment or two to slip back into old characters. 

I was able to identify what each player wanted and give them that. Brick’s player wanted quiet scenes with big character emotion, like his one on one pit fight the character didn’t want to have, or the letter from his mother telling him how proud she was of him, or the time in training where he tapped into how angry he really was and it spooked the character and everyone on the ship. Nyla’s player wanted a big epic, but also difficult space journey of good vs. evil, and so Nyla got a padawan whose parents she had possibly killed when she fought for the empire, she dug up the grave of her clone teacher’s order 66′d jedi for the crystal for her lightsaber, she got to cleanse a temple that was trapped in a fruitless struggle between light and dark, and a climactic lightsaber battle that was about possibly sacrificing herself for the good of others. TK’s player was deep into star wars trivia and space stuff, so he practically squealed when Verpine shatter weapons showed up, and he seemed to get a kick out of the Evocii, and also that time they put on wing suits and dove the atmosphere of a gas giant. It’s worth noting nobody was actually all that interested in the thing that turns my gears: complex mysteries with a lot of clues and investigation, and once I let that shit drop, things ran a lot smoother. 

Some of our best stuff was non-combat challenges, like climbing the cliffs of Naboo or navigating the deep undercity of Nar Shadaa. The guys reliably failed anything social, but environmental challenges were always appreciated. 

I always tried to make sure there was more than one way to do things. For any given mission, especially early on, I’d try to brainstorm at least three ways something could be accomplished. 

My party split up a LOT, but we found a sort of cinematic cutting back and forth to be really useful. When there was a big crit, or a goal accomplished, or something like that, we’d jump to the other party even if the fight wasn’t over. Sometimes that was only just, like, Brick and the guys doing drunk karaoke and saying to no one in particular “MAN, I hope Nyla’s having as fun a time as we are!” but it kept everyone involved and it wasn’t just people waiting their turn for 20 minutes at a time. Also people chimed in with fun advantages and disadvantages. 

I had everybody write backstories and whenever I could, I incorporated in things from what they’d written. Our second season was basically TK tracking down the guy who’d made him, a Thackwash alien with the same sort of shifting personalities he had. TK’s player hadn’t written much about the guy except that he’d been a salvage mechanic who constructed TK for protection when he got in trouble with the local mafia. Giving that guy complementary personalities for each of TK’s really helped stick the landing on that one, and the player really enjoyed having actually completed his character’s goal. 

It’s worth saying, we took some time at several points during the campaign, either individually or as a group, to talk about what we liked and didn’t, what we wanted more of, where we wanted things to go, possible directions for characters, mechanical issues, how to have a better game, group dynamics, all sorts of stuff. In a way it’s like sex: people have this fucked up expectation that you’ll just be good at it without communicating, and man, fuck that. Talking to my players was ALWAYS worthwhile.

I was always adamant, because it was a thing that bugged me when I was a player, that if a character had spent the points to be good at something, they got to be good at it. That made some things difficult, but I think it was the right decision. It took me a while to tailor fights right, and honestly a lot of times, splitting up the party was the best way to balance fights, but I never said to anyone hey that thing you spent all those points on, could you please not do that?

My players were excellent about encouraging each other to have serious dramatic moments. TK was completely ready to die in a fight, and when he lost a significant chunk of his programming, the way he chose to play it was really heartbreaking. Everyone came inside and had tea with Brick’s mom. No one stepped on anyone else’s fun when it was time to be serious, and everybody was great about cheering each other on, whether they were being funny or being dead serious. 

I FUCKING FINISHED A CAMPAIGN. IT HAD AN END. So much stuff petered out over the years, I was adamant I wasn’t going to do that. 

What Didn’t Work

Boy, my players had pretty much all the trouble trying to remember to use “they/them” pronouns for NPCs with neutral or alien genders. 

No one is interested in falling damage. Sigh. 

I did not keep good track of money or ship fuel or anything. The campaign didn’t end up relying on it too heavily (I was honestly expecting a much more Cowboy Bebop setup than where we drifted), but that was an area I kind of fell down. 

We never really got obligation working correctly and in the end we just ended up abandoning it. We kept doing the force morality because the lone force player was very into it and it was a huge part of that character’s journey, but for the rest having people show up to collect on obligation was sometimes not possible in the story- or if it was possible it was pretty cumbersome. Campaign did obligation by arc, and I think that’s a pretty useful way to do it- roll at the end of the arc for what’s coming next. 

Early on, I made way too many assumptions about what was an adventure hook for my players and what was an annoyance. Honestly, bits of this lasted pretty late. At one point I gave my players a spy for the larger rebellion they could totally talk to- he was even working with their resident bothan spy- but they looked at the senatorial assassination he was doing and literally said at the table “I think it’s best if we just walk away from all this.” And so they did. Which was frustrating, but, you know, it is what it is. They also never much cared about the hutt gang war. 

I let a lot of things drop that I would have liked to bring back before the end, but in all honesty, I think we were all running a bit out of steam. I would have liked to put in Brick’s old mentor, or follow up with the imperial governor that was a falleen in a human skin suit, or see more of the bounty hunter’s guild, or have a nice end thing with our bothan spy, or any of that. But I do think it was time to end it. And we followed the threads people liked. 

I had way too many NPCS.

What sort of worked

I had like 200 npcs and they were not all bangers. In particular, I let the party design their own ship, which I wish had played a bigger role (though it did really set the tone), and I let them design 2 npc crew who would fill in any party roles they didn’t want to play and guard the ship so they could go on adventures without worrying about it. The devaronian scoundrel was with the party to the end though I never really got him to be more than a joke, but the bothan spy kind of fell off, and while she made some appearances, she didn’t really have as big an impact as I would have hoped. She kind of got replaced by Nyla’s padawan, a hench mon calamari called Nezrene, who was a better fit with the party. But, you know, players will do what they like.

Factions. In the first bit of the campaign, my factions were a fucking life saver, because I could design scenarios with a sort of “what is each faction doing/ which faction hurts from this, which benefits?” By the second season we’d kind of abandoned them to go to the core, and by the third my group was solidly rebel, so the hutts and bounty hunters fell a lot by the wayside. I still think having a couple of broad poles of power, and having the players know them and their leaders, is a good call. But they do seem to kind of organically pare down on their own, and it’s easy to get caught up too much in them. Useful sorta?

There was definitely a point where my players just were not challenged by conventional challenges. We ended up doing most of the later fights that involved a lot of minions in montage. I’d have them roll their fight skills unopposed, just to see if they got any interesting advantage/triumph set ups. I still had boss fights that were mostly challenging, but there just was no point in throwing storm troopers or low level gangsters at them. Not when they have soak 8 and autofire, and that one talent that lets you kill every minion in a combat. Designings fight got a bit tricky, and in those big high level combats, despairs and triumphs come up a lot more and really sway the fight, which I like, but also it’s very hard to plan for. 

Mass combat was tricky. I did a lot of it toward the end because my players were generals in a rebellion. I always had them do the rolls and some of the narration, but that wasn’t always enough to make them feel like things weren’t very arbitrary. 

I personally love the rule that if you roll a despair shooting into an engaged combat you shoot your friend. Nyla, who got shot twice this way, does not. 

We started the game with a tech character who dropped out. Toward the end, we picked up another tech character whose player couldn’t do their regular stuff because of covid lock down. Neither of these characters could fight at all, and both were very differently oriented than the rest of the party, and that was tricky to manage. Additionally, the dude coming in at the end had like a year and a half of in jokes he did not get and there were 200 goddamn npcs. I tried to give him the lowdown on what he might have heard about the party, but it was a combination of too much information and not that much player interest. He did get to break a star destroyer though, and I think he liked that. 

I offered players XP to write backstory stuff, and later goodbye notes others could find if they kicked it. Not all of them did. In the end it made a negligible difference, and I still think offering the bounties on this is basically a good idea. 

What I would do different next time.

Three ring binder that opens and closes so I could move fucking NPC stats around. I filled two goddamn school notebooks with notes for this campaign and there were so many goddamn times I was like “I KNOW I wrote this down, but where?!”

Players felt a bit aimless when they didn’t have a specific villain. I’d planted a few in, but they took finding, or they were too easy to avoid. Next time I would have a few more people who were actively on my player’s tails. 

I would keep better campaign notes and/or ask one of the players to do so. I used to do recaps for the games when I played Rek. There’s stuff I KNOW I’ve forgotten, and more I’ll forget as time goes on, which is a shame. It’s a weird, ephemeral medium, but possibly I’m just spoiled by living in an age of easy reproduction and enormous storage where data is concerned. 

Better book keeping in general, really. 

When I did a mystery short, I wrote up a list of all the clues people could find but not where specifically they were, so that I could just jam them anywhere they seemed like they’d make sense whenever a roll called for a player to find something. I think I’d try to do that with player’s personal stories so they could be woven in a little better. I did a lot of flying by the seat of my pants. 

All in all, I’m pretty happy with how it went, and I’m ready to get back to playing for a bit. I loved DMing, and I more or less DMed the game I would have liked to play, but man, doing this all the time, or being the only person who does it? After a while, that’d be a lot, and I’m looking forward to the break. 

[jq37]

The Report Card – Fantasy High Sophomore Year Ep 6

The Fall of Fabian Seacaster

OK, let’s do this.

We pick back up with Kristen and Riz who are still outside Garthy’s room. Kristen’s Detect Good and Evil from last week pings Garthy as well as the general aura of the Golden Gardens which is protected in the way a sanctum sanctorum would be but with celestial energy. Riz and Kristen improvise a not super cogent plan that involves ribbon dancing and knocking over barrels before Riz just decides to cut to the chase and ask Garthy’s guards to send for Sandra-Lynn. Once she comes out (still looked sexed up and pretty annoyed) they’re not quite sure what to ask her and Riz wants to bail but Kristen (who has cast Zone of Truth, tried to muscle into Garthy’s house, and gotten smacked down physically by Sandra-Lynn) says that she’s worried about Sandra-Lynn because she’s “not poly but [she’s] acting poly.” Being directly called out is enough to snap Sandra-Lynn out of it (and to think about Fig’s reaction) so she agrees to get her stuff and come back to the gang’s suite.

Meanwhile, Fabian is hanging out with Bill’s cult of 20-ish warlocks. They’re all super glad to see Fabian--who they assume has been sent by Bill to help them--and they want him to regale them with the tale of how he slew his father in battle. Fabian tells them the story which, as you all know, isn’t a story about besting his father in a hard-fought battle so much as it is about a story about bittersweet mercy killing. They are less than impressed, especially considering they want Fabian to defeat Captain James Wicklaw who has promised to kill all of Bill’s followers. Ego stung, Fabian says that he may not have bested his father but he did (help) kill a dragon and, more importantly, he’s gonna lead them into an ambush against Captain Wicklaw (who he sees, presumably looking for him, with 30 men).

Oh boy.

Fabian telepathically alerts the Hangman that he’s about to get into a big fight before slamming down a door and full-out attacking Captain Wicklaw. He’s able to get a good couple of attacks in and Wicklaw misses his first couple of attacks but then Fabian fails an intelligence save with a Nat 1 and gets stunned while Wicklaw tries to open his skull and eat his brain.

Meanwhile with the rest of the Bad Kids, the Hangvan alerts Gorgug that the Hangman has sped off and everyone assumes Fabian is in trouble. They all do their best to get to him as quickly as possible and, even though these scenes are intercut with Fabian’s I’m going to summarize them all at once:

Fig (w/ Gorgug in tow) Dimension Doors as close to the Hangman as she can. Then, Gorgug has the idea to try the classic pirate move of grabbing a rope, cutting the weight, and instantly flying to where on the ship you want to go. They try that and begin flying towards Fabian at terminal velocity, both dislocating their arms. Fig passably disguises herself as Jemina Joy (even with quadruple disadvantage) and tries to get a wizard to teleport her to where Fabian is but they’re going way too fast for anyone to hear her. Gorgug (also with quad disadvantage) tries to throw a hand axe and, on a nat 1, almost cuts the rope they’re swinging on.

Gilear is fully passed after a back-slap from Fig.

Adaine casts fly on Riz (because his rogue speed means he can make the most use of it) so he can go get Garthy to see if they have any teleport spells. Then, she gets on Baxter with Kristen and Sandra-Lynn (plus Tracker who follows in spectral wolf form). Kristen tries to bring up Sandra-Lynn’s relationship stuff again and Adaine casts Tasha’s Hideous Laughter on her. Adaine tries to pull from the jacket to get something to help her get to Fabian faster and she gets a Razor scooter.  

Ragh drives the Hangvan towards Fabian’s.

Riz finds Garthy who takes him to a room, pops out neon angel wings, and does some kind of teleport spell that almost seems like it moves the space closer to them rather than the reverse.

But, none of this really matters because Brennan says none of them will be able to make it to Fabian before 22 rounds of combat. Woof.

Still in the first round of combat, 2 of the warlocks manage to hit Wicklaw and break Fabian out of his grapple (right after Wicklaw says that he’s eaten many of Fabian’s siblings but let’s put a pin in that because we have so much to get through here). Fabian declares that all spells are on him for the remainder of the fight (which is maybe the last funny thing he says all night). Then, 6 of the 20 warlocks on Fabian’s side die to gunshots from Wicklaw’s men. Fabian sends his men forward then falls back and attacks with his crossbow. Wicklaw mocks him for abandoning his crew so viciously that I feel like he should have spontaneously taken a level in bard. Brennan rolls for the ten still living pirates who never got names and only one survives. Then he rolls for the named pirates (Alistair and the three I haven’t mentioned yet because this episode is A Lot--Chungle-Down Bim, Old-Young Benjamin, and Creaky McBarrel) and only Creaky dies. In two rounds, Bill’s cult is down to four (plus one guy who peaced out after Fabian said he didn’t actually brutally murder his dad).

Fabian’s tactical retreat shakes the confidence of everyone but Alistair who stays loyal (even as he gets wrecked on his next attack on Wicklaw). Chungle-Down Bim is so disgusted by Fabian’s cowardice and performance that he tries to Eldritch Blast him and misses. He says, “Yeh ain’t no pirate and Bill would spit in yer eye.” Fabian has to hold back tears. He, with a heartbreaking mix of trepidation, reluctance, and resolve, asks if there are any ropes he can use to escape. Roll a perception check. He does.

Natural 1.

Sure, Brennan says. There’s a rope that looks like it will 100% guaranteed hold Fabian’s weight. Fabian goes for it--leaving behind a stunned and crushed Alistair--and finds that it’s actually a clothesline. He goes plummeting down a quarter-mile towards the ground but, before he actually hits, he hits a bunch of other ropes and, on his last possible chance, is able to save from splatting and taking max fall damage. Lou opts to take some damage anyway because he’d feel like he was cheating otherwise.

The rest of the group shows up through their various means and all immediately assume that Fabian got jumped. Fabian is meek in a way we’ve never seen before. I’m talking Adaine with Jawbone in Prompocolypse meek. He doesn’t tell them what happened and he answers all the questions with short yesses or no’s as much as possible. The healers heal him (plus Fig and Gorgug) up and take him back to the suite. The Hangman asks if he’s alright. “No Hangman,” he says. “It’s all bad.” Cathilda brings him kippers but he feels like he doesn’t deserve them.

Garthy has a little tete-a-tete with Fig about their tryst with Sandra-Lynn. Garthy is all about getting down but not if that person is in a monogamous relationship (even though they’re against them on principle). Fig (who has been avoiding her mom since the top of the ep) says she’s only mad at Sandra-Lynn (she says Sandra-Lynn, not Mom--oof) since Garthy didn’t know better. It just sucks that this happened to Jawbone. Jawbone as in Jawbone O'Shaughnessy? asks Garthy. Turns out he’s visited (many times) and they’ve boned (super hard) which, honestly, totally tracks.  

Because she didn’t get a full night of sleep, Tracker can’t keep the Moon Haven spell up all night which isn’t great. Kristen can also gather than she’s too tired to remember anything that happened earlier in the night (ie: things about Sandra-Lynn and Jawbone). Fig, concerned that she might get mind controlled again without the Moon Haven up asks Adaine to tie her up (this actually happens before the above conversation with Garthy).

Sleeping arrangements are Fabian, the Hangman, and Riz as a bodyguard in one room and everyone else in another. Adaine trances a little early so she can regain her spells and be awake in case anything happens. Brennan makes everyone do wisdom saves. Kristen and Adaine roll high and Adaine gives her TWO (2) NAT 20 portent rolls to Fig and Gorgug. That leaves Riz and Fabian, but we’ll get to them in a minute.

Adaine wakes up from her trance and she sees Ragh get up early as well. He says he’s going to get some food. Adaine, vigilant as ever asks Ragh who his first kiss was. Ragh acts confused for a second, and then screeches and attacks her, waking everyone up. He’s been dominated. Adaine goes for a Tasha’s Hideous Laughter and subdues him. Also Fig is able to escape Adaine’s magical ropes so maybe she’s not the best person to do that next time.

Meanwhile, Fabian is having a nightmare. He dreams of Wicklaw trying to eat his brain and Chungle-Down spitting in his face and his betrayal of Alistair. He sees the ghosts of the warlock  cultists entering hell and his disappointed father. And then, he’s approached by a man. A man with a familiar, non-threatening sounding, yogurt-offering voice. Fabian, like Adaine before, feels very strongly that if he looks at this man’s face, something terrible will happen but he does take the offered yogurt and agrees to go with him without looking at him. He’s taken to a lovely, sunny, kind of museum area dedicated to Bill Seacaster. Fabian thinks it’s very nice but he starts to notice that though there are many pictures of Bill and Hilariel, there are none of him. He asks why. The man says that Fabian needs to look at him. Fabian is hesitant. The man says that Fabian really needs to look at him. The yogurt in Fabian’s stomach curdles, weakening him (and me because yogurt grosses me out on the best of days and this is not the best of days). The man turns Fabian’s face to look at him and Fabian finds himself looking at a doughy, middle-aged Fabian Seacaster. He laughs hysterically and Fabian wakes up, plunged into the sea.

Elsewhere, Riz wakes up in his room. Fabian is gone, he’s paralyzed, the Hangman has been stabbed through by Fabian’s sword and is leaking oil, and Kalina is sitting on his bed. She was able to get in with the Moon Haven spell down. She speaks to him unsettlingly casually. She sounds almost friendly as she demands Riz and his friends stop looking for the Nightmare King’s crown on the pain of their lives. Riz, a grizzled old knight to his core like all of Murph’s characters, can’t wrap his head around why she would be doing this. It’s simple. Power. She psychologically toys with him, saying that Riz throws himself into his cases (which she seems to know quite a bit about) to distract himself from how sad he is about his dead dad. Then, she says that Fabian is in massive danger and if Riz doesn’t play ball (pun not intentional but it’s staying in), he’ll die. Riz assumes she knows where the Nightmare King’s crown is and she asks why he’s sure she knows which makes him think she actually doesn’t know. Riz, who sleeps with his sword because he’s rightfully paranoid, uses it to Misty Step outside but he’s still paralyzed so he just hits the ground and breaks his arm.

Kalina meets him outside, tells him Fabian is long gone, and tries to bargain with him: information about his dad for information about what he knows. Riz counter-offers that he’ll tell her about where the Nightmare King’s crown is if she guarantees his friends’ safety. She doesn’t care about the crown. She wants to know what Riz knows about her. Riz agrees (to save Fabian) and tells her everything he knows except that he withholds the information about Adaine’s mom being involved and tries to withhold the information he got from Ragh but he accidentally gives himself away without saying Ragh’s name. That’s enough for her to put two and two together though and she leaves to kill Ragh’s mom.

Back in the sea, Fabian has to make three Constitution checks. He rolls two nat 20s in a row for the first two and is rescued two flying imp monsters (presumably sent by Kalina) who drop him off at the edge of town. Fabian, absolutely destroyed, rips off his eyepatch and takes off his Owlbear jacket as he makes his way back. He rolls one last Constitution check. Nat 1. He’s got pneumonia. Cathilda shows up in the Hangvan to pick up Fabian.

The rest of the group is still shaken up by Ragh’s attack. They snap him out of it and someone gets Garthy. Post Riz’s encounter with Kalina, Ragh bursts in, devastated and says that someone from home called and said that his mom died. The whole group is immediately suspicious because--post Gorgug/Zelda debacle--they know they shouldn’t have signal. Ragh tries to call another number and all he hears is laughing on the other end. When Riz (healed up by Garthy) looks, he sees that his phone shows 5 bars for a second. Riz, Tracker, and Sandra-Lynn also see the flicker. Possibly illusion magic. Tracker and Garthy can also now suddenly see the Shadowcat in the picture (but it doesn’t seem like the rest of the Bad Kids can). Riz thinks Ragh’s mom is in serious danger but not dead yet.

Garthy has the idea to send the group to the Leviathan Library so maybe Adaine can learn a Sending Spell to communicate with their various parents and allies in Solace. They give Adaine a note that says to let the group safely use the library addressed to one Aida Aguefort.

Fig checks in with Sandra-Lynn to see if maybe she was under the influence of something more malevolent than alcohol when she cheated. Sandra-Lynn cries, and admits that she just F’d up but that they should deal with the problem at hand for now and that’s where we end, with the bulk of the group en route to the library.  

Detention

Fabian for Everything

Oh Fabian.

Fabian, Fabian, Fabian.

I don’t think I have ever seen a series of events so driven by a single character’s careless actions.

Truly, almost every single bad thing that happened in this episode can be traced directly to Fabian losing his entire chill at the worst possible time.

All those warlocks, dead (And Alistair either dead, seriously hurt, or set on the path to show back up with a vendetta later on down the road).

Because Tracker didn’t get her 8 hours, she couldn’t do the Moon Haven properly which is why Ragh got mind-controlled, the Hangman got stabbed, and he got brain-jacked and dumped into the ocean.

It’s why Kalina got to Riz. It’s why Lydia’s in danger.

And it wasn’t just that what he did was dumb, it was also completely unnecessary. There was no plot reason for what he did and he wasn’t forced into it. It was a completely character driven decision and it was bad, y’all. It was pretty much an absolute fail parade.  

Honor Roll

Brennan and Lou for Absolutely Stellar Roleplay

Everyone had their moments this episode.

Siobhan and Zac made some clever choices. Ally brought some needed levity. Emily subtly continued her emotional threads about Fig’s relationship with her mom and her distress over her actions while mind controlled. And Murph had that absolutely stellar scene in the back half of the back half of the ep with Kalina.

But Brennan and Lou 100% carried this episode.

Brennan is such a good DM that I feel like it’s almost easy to take for granted. Like, if you visit a town, you’re gonna talk about how how cool the shops, and food, and events were. Not about how well the roads are paved. But if the roads are all janky and potholed and stuff then it’s a big issue.

This episode clearly took a major turn from whatever was supposed to happen but Brennan deftly kept pace with all of Fabian’s wild choices and made sure the roads were paved before he got there.

So much of this episode was just Brennan talking to one other person (Fabian and then Riz during the Kalina scene) and he nailed all of it. The disgust from Chungle-Down. The betrayal from Alistair. The concern from Cathilda. The quiet but sinister lilt of Nightmare Fabian. And the affable, dispassionate, Just Business evil from Kalina.

And Lou. Everything Fabian did this episode was an extremely bad idea but it is exactly what Fabian would do in the situation. Lou played him completely consistently, even when it clearly pained him to do so. 

When Lou rolled a nat 1 on his perception check for an escape rope, Brennan essentially handed him a fully loaded gun and said shoot yourself, and Lou grit his teeth and he did it.

Mad respect to both of them for keeping the tension and gravity going for a full three hours basically. That was lightning in a bottle. D&D is an amazing game.

Random Thoughts

I know there’s a significant chunk of the fandom that ships Riz and Fabian and, can I just say, RIP to y’all.

It really was narratively cool that we started out with the Sandra-Lynn plot in this crazy, over the top, comic scene and then ended with the quiet conversation between Fig and her mom on the same topic. It really was a through line throughout the episode without over-shadowing the main drama. This episode had a clear A and B plot just like a scripted show.

Also if Garthy is a powerful as Brennan is making them seem, wild that the NK and Kalina were able to bust through what is supposed to be super sanctified ground, especially since Tracker--a jr. cleric--has been keeping them at bay by herself.

Zac: This is a real Axford move.

Also Zac: I don’t understand what’s gonna happen if this goes well.

Riz and Murph Equally: We’re so stupid.

I think it’s funny how players in D&D tend to treat Zone of Truth like it forces them to spontaneously say things that are true rather than just preventing them from actively lying.

The kinda wild thing about how this whole mess started is that Fabian’s character development is part of why it happened. When he told the warlocks about the dragon and his dad, he gave everyone else their due credit, didn’t hog the spotlight, and didn’t lie/embellish the truth to make himself sound cooler. That in turn disappointed them which made him relapse into S1 Fabian who attacked Gorgug on the first day of school for absolutely no reason. I was actually going to give him major credit for that before he, you know. Made some other choices. He absolutely gushed about how cool his friends were and then invited exactly none of them to his terrible plan.

Lol at Lou being like, “I rolled to get Alistair to make a better speech?”

Bill’s cult of about 20 guys has collectively sent him like 350k gold. That’s insane! They’re all so poor!

Lou playing Fabian very confidently making an absolutely suicidal decision, and then surfacing to laugh hysterically for a full thirty seconds out of character about how he’s for sure gonna die, was such a mood. It was like Lou was being held at gunpoint by Fabian for the entire first half of the session.

Big props to Zac for trying to get everyone in on the action by suggesting the Hangvan would see that the Hangman was gone and let the group know.

OK, so now let’s talk about that line about Wicklaw having eaten many of Fabian’s siblings. Hoo boy. You know this episode was wild because that line was said and never followed up on. What might have been a headline in a different episode was a footnote in this one. No big surprise that Bill would have fathered a ton of kids. That pretty much tracks, as Adaine said last ep. I feel like this was something that was going to come up regardless, Fabian just forced it to be right then and there. This dude hates Bill so going after his kids seems like an obvious move (unless he’s bluffing I guess, but I doubt it). But, like, did Bill know about these kids? Was he fully ignorant? Willfully ignorant? Did they know they were Bill’s kids? Are there any left? Can Fabian please have a little pirate sister because I would love that so much you don’t even know.

You think Lou expected to say (loosely quoting), “I try not to cry in front of Chungle-Down Bim,” when he woke up that morning? Idk but I can tell you that I didn’t expect to hear it and feel strong emotions about it.

Chungle-Down Bim, which is short for Bimothy.

Lol, Brennan makes Emily rolls with Quadruple disadvantage and she still gets a 15 because she has a plus 11 to persuasion. No wonder she’s so quick to slam the disguise self button if there’s even a sliver of a chance it’ll work.

Adaine getting a useless Razor scooter on the way to try and help Fabian and then being like, “Well, I’m still gonna keep it,” was such a funny beat during the tenseness of that fight scene.

I need you guys to know that this is a mindflayer ability: Extract (Ex): An Illithid that begins its turn with all four tentacles attached and successfully maintains its hold automatically extracts the opponent’s brain, instantly killing that creature. Truly what was he thinking? You’re gonna eat his brain? Go ahead because he clearly isn’t using it!

You know the part of Princess Bride when Wesley is giving the “To the Pain” speech to Humperdinck? I feel like that’s what Brennan did to Fabian this episode. “Oh you think I’m going to kill you? No, that would be too easy. This fight is to the pain. You will watch your allies get slaughtered until you are forced to betray them or die. You will escape but in the most clownish fashion possible after breaking your most loyal ally’s heart. You will be beset by your concerned friends and forced to either own up to your horrible life choices or stew with them and lie by omission. You will be the reason your ultimate enemy is able to break in and attack your friends and you will be forced with your worst nightmare before being unceremoniously dumped into the sea. You won’t die. You’ll just wish you had.” Absolutely brutal.

Anyone else feeling a possible villain turn from Allistair? Dude’s a warlock so he’s already prone to dabbling in questionable power sources. And Fabian really did him dirty. I was hoping he’d at least get Kristen or Tracker to try to see if he was around anywhere for a heal but he just went into shellshock shutdown mode and they bounced. We didn’t see him die on screen so I feel pretty strongly that we’ll be seeing him again in some form.

Also, maybe I’m way off, but did you guys feel like Fabian missed a clear opportunity? I thought he was gonna ask his dad for help. Or, at least try and talk to him before the fight. Clearly it’s possible because the warlocks are doing it. Just pray for some infernal intervention or guidance or powers or something? Worth a shot when you’re in such a bad situation anyway.

Fabian never did tell the party what was going on. They all still think he was ambushed and forced into a fight somehow. I really can’t wait for the truth to come out. I wonder how long he’ll sit on that info. He better tell them before they fight Wicklaw again and they find out that way.

Every single player playing up their concern for Fabian and making a point to presume he was in the right and that it had been a wrong place/time situation to make him feel even more like garbage was *chefs kiss*.

The Hangman basically acting like a big metal dog and pressing itself up against Fabian to comfort him is weirdly adorable.

“Anyway, I’m gonna go get tied up.”/“What?”

Also I love Adaine’s reaction to being asked to do it. She’s like, “What? I mean, I’ll do it but, what?” Sidenote, Fig said she was gonna ask Riz as her first choice but that’s also a terrible choice! He has like a minus 2 strength modifier I think. Ask Gorgug!

Truly, the entire episode can be encapsulated in the fact that Siobhan was sitting there with two nat 20 portent rolls but sidelined and useless because Fabian decided to go completely rogue.

I have to give Adaine big credit for checking to see if Ragh was mind controlled because whenever I’m watching a show where a bad guy can shapeshift or possess people, I always think, “Why don’t they just have a codeword or something?” This is one of the few times I’ve seen it properly executed. Genre savviness saves lives people.

Fabian’s rolls really matched his decisions this week. It was like the dice were punishing him with all those nat 1s on crucial checks.

Also, Brennan being like, “You get pneumonia” was lowkey hilarious. Just like, insult to injury. What’s next? He’s gonna die on dysentery on the Oregon Trail?

I wonder if Fabian is considering chronomancy-ing this away? The thought for sure crossed my mind. Also, everyone was joking about everything being all a dream, but that’s something that could happen in this campaign without it being cheap because it’s been set-up that that’s the kind of bad guy they’re up against so I’m staying vigilant.

Ragh coming into the room and, voice cracking, announcing that his mom was dead cut me up so bad. And I thought it would be not as bad on my rewatch. Nope, still awful. I can’t believe I like him so much now. This is like a Steve from Stranger Things level turnaround for me. Also, the chat was absolutely blowing up when Murph was like, “I tell her everything,” without excepting Ragh’s info at first. Brennan is a nice DM for reminding him about that (despite the absolute ravaging of Riz and Fabian otherwise this ep).

Also gotta give a shout out to Murph this ep for playing Riz so well during the confrontation with Kalina. His steadfast, simple, “We can’t stop. It would be wrong. Fullstop,” mentality is so pure. Riz is such an interesting character. When he tried to withhold info, Murph said, “I have low deception.” That’s who Riz is. He’s a rogue with low deception. He’s sneaky but only in pursuit of justice. No guile at all. Kalina, who is as casual as he is wound up and amoral and he is knightly is such an interesting foil for him. I’m very intrigued to see how this develops.  

Like I said in the recap, Garthy and Tracker can now see Kalina in the picture, even though neither of them saw her when she broke in (that they know of) so the plot thickens there. I’d go into it more but I really don’t have any new theories off the top of my head and this was honestly the least of my worries re: this ep.

Also, she says that all of her abilities come from serving the NK, and she had the abilities since she was working with Pok so this doesn’t seem to be a new development. I will say though, based on the info the group got, I really thought she was gonna be a more ancient being, you know? Maybe it’s just a title and she’s just the latest tabaxi to serve him and get it? I dunno.

Truly the mood for this episode was dawning horror. Things just got progressively worse in new and interesting ways every single scene.

Speaking of, let’s talk about Fabian’s vision. First of all, Brennan did a great job real-time DJ-ing that scene. The switch to that creepy music was very unsettling. Second of all, the chat exploding when Brennan started doing That voice and everyone for a brief moment thought that maybe, Maybe, Gilear was the Nightmare King, was delicious. But, on to the important stuff: When this happened to Adaine, my guess was that if she had looked at figure, it would have been a representation of her anxiety which I think was like 65% correct based on what happened to Fabian. Her worst possible future for herself is probably herself ruled by anxiety to the point of uselessness so she would have seen that version of herself. Fabian’s worst possible future self is essentially Gilear. Which, on behalf of Gilear, ouch. But, yeah, I see why it would be. And, honestly, NK-Fabian was worse than Gilear. Gilear is pathetic, sure, but he’s pathetic in pursuit of his own goals. To be stuck in his dad’s shadow, devoid of any other purpose is the antithesis of Fabian’s whole making a name for himself thing and a sick twisting of his very real pride in his dad. It’s a real raw nerve to hit, especially right after his colossal failure that left him feeling unworthy of even his favorite snack.

I’m really glad Fabian looked at the face of his nightmare. Brennan pushed him a little (in that fantastically unnerving, cajoling yet demanding voice) but I think he would have done it anyway. Like, it’s good information for the team to have and, if anyone was gonna get hit, it made most sense for it to happen right then, when Fabian was already at basically his lowest point. Both Adaine and Fabian felt like something horrible would happen if they looked at their nightmare and I’m wondering if there’s a mechanical effect to that or if it’s just psychological. I feel like there might be some not yet revealed mechanical effect going on but, when your players are as devoted to the RP as Lou (who, again, asked to take damage from his fall even after Brennan was gonna let him off with just the shame) you can get away with just giving the character trauma and having the player hinder their own actions based on it.

Titles for this recap that I rejected include Actions and Consequences and Keyfish 2: Pirate Boogaloo (because the first part of this episode truly felt like the CritRole Keyfish incident but spread out over an hour and a half).

Yet another thing that would have been a headline item in another recap but is just a footnote here: Aida Aguefort. That’s gotta be a sibling, ex, or parent (in my order of probability). What is an Aguefort doing running a pirate library? Are they as chaotic as the other Aguefort? I think it would be very funny if Arthur is this dude in a high position in a “normal” town who is just feral and Aida is living on this insane pirate island but, like, a completely normal librarian.

Oh, speaking of Aguefort, Kalina called him out on his child soldier factory and, listen, I know she was just trying to hurt Riz but she doesn’t not have a point.

Kristen was able to discern that Tracker probably won’t remember what happened with Sandra-Lynn but I hope she keeps track of that info because if Tracker rolls high perception and finds out that she semi-willfully kept that information from her, she might be miffed.

Are all of Bill’s dead warlocks gonna work on his hell ship now? Didn’t they become warlocks specifically because they were bad at being pirates?

I notice the group didn’t wait for Fabian even after Riz presumably told them what happened. I also notice that Cathilda was able to find Fabian right away which is interesting.

Adaine solemnly Razor scooting at the front of the party towards the library is low key hysterical.

Fig better hope it doesn’t get back to Jemina that she was being impersonated.

Also, that plan was crazy but super not the craziest thing Emily has ever done and Brennan backed her up on that. He was like, “This is good. This isn’t Hilda Hilda,” which is where the bar is because Emily is crazy.

Fig: We’re gonna fail./Gorgug: We’re gonna die./Adaine: And, more importantly, we’re gonna fail school.

Riz’s “How about no dead friends,” one-liner was so good. Unfortunately, it didn’t do anything to stop his paralysis. Ouch.

I’m assuming Kalina was asking what he knew to see if there was anyone she needed to kill because they knew too much about her? Because, otherwise, it seems like unimportant info for her. I was thinking when it was happening that she needed him to give her that information so they could take it from him and he wouldn’t have it anymore, like in a weird Fae way, but that doesn’t seem to be the case. It’s probably just the simple thing.

Garthy doesn’t leave the Golden Gardens which is probably good for game balance. You don’t want to give the players a super powerful ally who has no reason not to help them at any given time. That’s rife for PC abuse.

I have to say, after last week, I was hoping we’d be done with the pirate stuff halfway through the ep and en route to Falinel but this was such a turn. I was saying to someone last week, it’s very tempting to try and predict where a D&D game is going by using typical narrative structure as a guide but that only halfway works because you really can’t account for the improvisational nature of it. I absolutely could not have guessed that this is what this episode would be and I’m glad.

Goes without saying, this ep totally snatched the crown for Most Heart Attacks Given To Me By BLM from Family in Flames.

“The game isn’t about what you plan; it’s about what happens,” sounds like a line from an inspirational Ted Talk, and not from a man who, minutes later, said that a pirate named Chungle-Down Bim wanted to use a teenager’s mouth as a toilet.

“I feel drunk from anxiety.” Same Ally.

You wanna know how many pages of handwritten notes I have for this episode? If you guessed 16, you’re right. And I was so into the ep, I forgot to keep track of crits, which is why I had to watch it a second time.

Emily proposing “felettes” as the feminine version of fellas.

“How many HP you at?”/”I’m not telling you.”

Just, the idea of this warlock drawing on Bill’s power to try and attack his son is so raw.

Brennan, being asked by Zac if he can help with Emily’s crazy plan: You absolutely may not and, in fact, take five points of damage.”

Siobhan: What do you have to lose?/Gorgug: *Rolls a nat 1 and almost severs the rope he and Fig are holding on to*

Garthy plays the harpsichord (I have in my notes harpsichord and not harp so I’m going with that) post-coital which is definitely a choice.

The shot of levity that Brennan injected between the big fight and the NK invasion by having Garthy know Jawbone was great. I knew it was coming as soon as Fig said his name, but the comic timing was still perfect. Apparently, Jawbone’s stories are crazy even by Garthy’s standards, which is wild.

Also funny, Fig being tied up as combat started. It didn’t end up making a difference but, at a certain point, when enough bad things have happened, piling more bad stuff on top just becomes funny like, yeah. Of course. That tracks.

Ally: Sleep when you’re dead, which might be this episode.

Riz and Gorgug (and Allistair) each roll one nat 1. Kristen rolls a nat 20. Adaine has 20s for both of her portent rolls (which she gives to Fig and Gorgug). And Fabian rolled an amazing 2 Nat 20s (in a row) and FIVE nat 1s.  

Edit: Oh, forgot to say! Next week there won’t be a game because Thanksgiving is happening in the States. Early Happy Thanksgiving for y’all in the U.S. who are celebrating. I’m thankful for a week off to recover after the ordeal that was this episode. 

[Footnote: This ended up cracking 6000 words, in case you’re wondering about the ways I choose to spend my time. Shoutout to y’all for reading these and justifying the dissertation length brain dumps my dumb, former English major brain compels me to produce for absolutely no good reason.]

[doublenuzlocke]

Entry #2: Calm Before the Tournament

((aka SHAMAN KING AU HYPE!!! I will probably write a second part to this that is better in every way because actual action will happen, but have this quiet moment between the two mains instead.

This also doubles as a “what I WISH Yoh and Anna’s relationship had been like in canon” ;w; ))

  “Again. Do it again.”

  Silver slaps the wooden training sword against the wall, making the pieces clack hard against each other. Kotone is quite sure she’s nearly exhausted all of her furyoku and just wants to take a nap, but grits her teeth and concentrates on Sunny. “Okay.”

  She’s doing this for him. She just needs to keep reminding herself of that. She’s doing this so that he won’t have to live in fear anymore and they can get married and finally live in peace.

  “Focus.” He snaps.

  She flinches (he definitely heard that, whoops), but pushes those thoughts from her mind and channels her remaining furyoku to her hands. With this, she can pick up Sunny, changing him into a smaller and more manageable spirit ball, and prepare him for hyoi gattai. He chirps happily with her progress (she’s just glad she’s not hurting him anymore, that was the most difficult and heartbreaking part of the training), but she has no energy left to actually channel him. He pops back out of her hands as she collapses to the floor.

  Surprisingly (or, maybe not, they are engaged and all), Silver catches her before she can hit the ground.

  “Too much.” He mumbles, chiding himself in that cute way of his. She tries to smile up at him, to show him she’s fine, but he’s all ready busily picking her up in his arms and carrying her off towards her room. “I told you. Tell me if I’m pushing you too hard.”

  She wants to protest that she’d thought it, but knows he does try to keep himself out of others’ minds as much as possible. She instead settles for shrugging. “It’s good endurance training. And it definitely beats dying a bunch of times just to gain more, right?”

  She laughs, but he doesn’t. Which is fair, he’s not one for showing much emotion. Also for a good reason, but still. Weavile pops out behind them as Silver opens the door to her room. “Master, did you make Kotone collapse again?”

  Silver hesitates a second, then answers. “I didn’t mean to. But yes.”

  Weavile rolls his eyes dramatically and Kotone grins at that. Silver can never lie to his trusted partner. He takes Kotone into her room and carefully lays her in bed. She expects him to leave right away, but something makes him hesitate again. He scrunches up his face, as if he’s pulling teeth with himself about this. Finally, though he’s unable to look at her, he speaks up. “I’m sorry. Rest up. I’ll make you some dinner in the meantime.”

  His genuine side is still shocking to her. And she wants to kiss him. He blushes a bit, but Weavile coos at them from the doorway and then Silver’s up, leaving faster than either of them can keep up with. Kotone smiles after him and settles into her bed, grateful for the fortune their predicament allows them.

//

  She remembers the time when Silver lost control.

  He’d gotten upset at his father (and, to be fair, Kotone wasn’t real fond of that jerk either, not after what she’d heard from Blue) and suddenly had been emanating more power than she’d ever felt from any shaman. It had been so oppressive and thick that she could actually see the furyoku without needing to concentrate.

  Then the wayward spirits came in and killed his father.

  They were all seirei class spirits, more like gods now and uncontrollable by any regular shaman. Only by Sunny’s grace had Kotone been able to keep these spirits from also killing Silver. She’d managed to grab Silver and run, but Blue had stayed behind to fend them off.

  Calming Silver down had been the hard part. Kotone tried everything, from puns to the nerdy things she could remember from Blue’s advice, but it finally took her breaking down into tears for Silver to snap out of it. Then it was a while before he could calm her down and they could return to help Blue.

  When they got back, they found the small house destroyed. They found Blue amongst the rubble, nearly dead.

  She’s still in the hospital, unable to wake as of yet. Silver vowed that day to never lose control again.

  Kotone fights for him. She fights for Blue and she fights for her own family, distant though they may be. Once the tournament ends and she’s come out victorious, then she’ll worry more about herself. For the moment, she just wants the ones most important to her to survive.

//

  She wakes to the excited chirping of Sunny, who’s dancing about above her head. She rubs her eyes groggily and sits up, ready to eat some of Silver’s amazing cooking. He learned from the best and Kotone was one day going to get just as good so they could share that responsibility.

  Sunny darts out of the air to hover at her shoulder. He’s shrunk himself to do this and to no doubt look cuter than normal. She humours him with pets (at least some of her furyoku has recovered from that nap), then hops up from bed and claps her hands together.

  “All right, let’s give it some more effort after eating. Okay, Sunny?”

  She pumps her fist up into the air and grins over at Sunny. His reply is a chirp of delight, then the two of them race out into the sitting room.

  Silver is there, of course, at the table and slowly eating his food as he watches the show on TV. Kotone’s not so great at keeping up with whatever he’s watching at any given time, as it seems to change faster than she can learn the names, but this one she recognises as the monster collecting one. She sits with him and pulls the place that’s clearly meant for her closer. “Thanks. This looks great and I’m starving.”

  “You’re welcome.” He smiles that slight smile, which means she recognised the show correctly, and she digs in. It only takes a minute or two before he speaks up again, his tone much more serious. “Most shamans take a full team of six spirit partners into the tournament with them. You’ve only got Sunny.”

  She pauses and thinks about it for only a second before the obvious answer comes to her. “You’ve only got Weavile.”

  “I’m not participating, now am I?” He lets out a sow and deliberate breath before turning to look her directly in the eye. “The more disadvantages you go into this with, the more unnecessary risks you’ll have to take in order to win.”

  Again, she only needs to give it a moment of thought before answering with a smile. “Guess I’ll just have to train my butt off so I can win.”

  “Kotone.”

  He grimaces in annoyance and turns away. The stakes are too high for her to be taking things this lightly. She’s aware of that. She isn’t one for pessimism, however. Still, she does her best to look more serious. “I’m going to win, Silver. That’s my intention and I’m going to do everything in my power to make sure we get there.”

  To her, it’s not a question of ‘if’. It’s a matter of ‘when’. Silver’s shoulders remain tensed for a long, uneasy time. Then he deflates in defeat. “I hope you know what you’re doing.”

  “As long as I’ve got you and Sunny, we can accomplish the impossible.”

  She grins and gets a wry smile from him as a response. It’s the best she’s gonna get by this point. They continue to eat and watch Silver’s show while Weavile and Sunny chatter behind them. Sure, they’ve faced a lot of hardship (and they’ll be facing even more once the tournament starts up in earnest), but these moments are something Kotone truly believes are worth fighting for.

  And as Silver relaxes more and leans against her shoulder sleepily, well. She can’t express enough how glad she is that things worked out so well in this regard.

[jinterlude]

To the One Who Nursed a Broken Heart:

» gif credits: Boy In Luv MV

↳ Pairing(s): Kim Seokjin x Reader (Female OC)

↳ Genre(s): High School!AU, To All the Boys I’ve Loved Before!AU, Romance, Humor, Best Friends Turned Lovers Trope, Angst, & Fluff

↳ Warning(s)/Rating: N/A / PG-13

↳ Words: 3.3K

↳ Summary: 5 letters. That’s all you have ever written throughout your life…well…your life as a high school student. 5 different fellas came into your life and has made a memorable impact in your heart that you honestly needed to unleash those feelings. So, you grab a pen, some paper, and envelopes and simply write. You write how it is because of them that you experience that love comes in different forms. Some noticeable and some you need to take a magnifying glass to. You’re honestly and truly thankful towards them, and the best part is that they will never know about your hidden feelings…right?

«  Last Letter | Next Letter »

You quickly wipe away any remaining tears, letting out a few sniffles. You take a deep breath; your eyes fluttering shut as you do so. Then, slowly, you exhale. You release all the pent-up adoration for Junhong from your body. Why? Well, those feelings are not necessary for the next person. It’d be quite disrespectful if you’ve focused on your love for Junhong while reading the letters about the person who essentially saved you from the darkness.

It is never easy going through any form of heartbreak, but it is especially difficult when it is your first one…

Your eyes are glossy and puffy. Your cheeks are stain with red. You honestly feel that you’ve cried every single tear that’s stored in your body, but your emotions beg to differ. In just a span of one week, you’ve lost the love of your life, flunked your biology test, and apparently your sister from another mister is dating someone that you absolutely loath. Like, you never wish ill of anyone, but you can care less if her boyfriend’s run over by a truck. That’s how much you hate his guts.

And your best friend knows and respects your opinion of him. She just asks that you remain civil whenever he’s around, and she’ll ask him to do the same.

One of the many disadvantages of a close knit of friends. There aren’t many of you guys, so you can’t afford to cause a rift.

Especially now…

Not a day goes by that you don’t think of Junhong and hope that he’s living his best life in the United Kingdom. But you’ll be lying to yourself if you don’t mention the fact that you wish he’s living his best life with you.

What a bittersweet feeling…

Letting out yet another sigh, you glance at your alarm clock.

           “2:36 PM” It reads.

You make a face as you reach out for your phone. Up until now, you’ve been a bit MIA. You’ve ignored every single text message and call from your friends, that it’s honestly concerning.

[25 missed calls – That Handsome Doofus]

[43 missed calls – The Pain in the Ass I “Love”]

[54 text messages – That Handsome Doofus]

The corners of your mouth curve slightly as you can’t help but be amused. You find it a bit theatrical that one of your best guy friends has taken upon himself to bombard your phone.

Seriously…

With the amount of notifications you’ve received from him, it seems like he’s making sure you’re still alive and that this is still your phone number.

Hm. Maybe you should change it just to mess with him.

What a great friend you are.

Unplugging your phone, you sit up from your bed, leaning against the wall. You unlock your phone and tap the message app. Just as you open your chat with that arrogant fall you call a friend, a light knock echoes throughout your bedroom. Then, you hear your mom’s voice say,

           “Sweetie, Seokjin is here to see you.”

You roll your eyes. Of course. He’s always been the irrational one between you two.

           “Alright,” You swing your legs and place your feet on the carpet, “Tell him I’ll be right out.” You say, standing up, unaware of your mom’s sheepish smile.

           “Yeah…about that…” Your mom trails on, opening your bedroom door enough to reveal a rather anxious Seokjin.

You purse your lips, exhaling deeply. Your gaze homing in on Seokjin. This might be a new record for him. He usually gives you about five minutes before invading your bedroom.

Wow. You must’ve worried him like crazy.

You quickly say, “thank you”, to your mom before gesturing to Seokjin that he can come in.

Not wasting another moment, Seokjin rushes inside, shedding his jacket and carelessly tossing it to your lounge chair.

           “What the Hell, Y/N?”

You roll your eyes, waving away his question.

           “Well. It’s nice to see you Jinnie. What brings you over to my humble abode?”

           “Oh…I don’t know…maybe it’s because you worried all of US to death!”

Your body flinches at his harsh tone. Okay. You deserve that.

           “I’m sorry, Jinnie, but I just needed some alone time.” You sigh, taking a seat on the foot of you bed. You then pat the spot next to you, signaling Seokjin to come sit next to you. Naturally, he does with no hesitation whatsoever. That’s one of his qualities that makes you cherish your friendship with him. He does almost everything that you ask. With certain things, like going on a date with a friendly acquittance, he needs a huge amount of convincing. Sometimes you’re successful. Other times, you owe him a lunch date or two.

You’re honestly quite thankful for him. He’s the strength during your dark times.

Not even Junhong can hold that special title. And that’s why you feel a bit of guilt being alone with Seokjin in your room.

Junhong has told you to move on when the time is right, but how can you? More importantly, who will help you move on? Last time you checked, your candidates are pretty slim.

Oh…but…how blind you are…

Releasing another heavy sigh, hoping to break the awkward silence, you shyly glance at Seokjin. You observe his body language, noting how relax he seems. His brows are knit together; tiny creases ever so visible on his forehead. The corners of his lips are curved upwards. This pinkish hue looks natural on his cheeks. And…has his Adam’s apple always looked profound?

Nope…

No…

You can’t…

You just broke up with Junhong…

You don’t want to betray him by admiring your best friend.

You will never betray Junhong.

Never.

On the other hand, with Seokjin, he enjoys the fact that you’re checking him out. He’s handsome, so why not? But, at the same time, he can’t help but feel like an asshole for being incredibly happy that you’re single again. When he has learned that you’re dating Hoseok’s friend, he has become sad because he wanted that opportunity to date you. He has wanted that chance to explore his blossoming infatuation with you but obviously, that never happened.

So…naturally…like any other guy friend will do…

He buries them deep down in the darkest depths of his heart and learn to be happy with just being your friend.

As long you’re happy, then he’s happy.

He has helped you with every fight and worry that you’ve experienced with Junhong. When you’ve released countless of tears, he’s there to wipe them away and soothe your thoughts. He has become the calm that every storm needs.

That’s Kim Seokjin.

But now? He wants to explore something more. He needs to take this chance, especially with his Senior year approaching.

He doesn’t live with regrets.

Mustering the much needed courage, Seokjin takes one final deep breath and exhales.

Then, he turns his attention towards, smiling softly as he sees you mess with the hem of your t-shirt.

           “Y/N?” He finally speaks, sweeping his tongue across his bottom lip, moistening it.

You hum in response. Your eyes trailing from your “interesting” shirt to Seokjin’s gorgeous face. Come again?

           “Would you slap me if I were to ask you out on a date?”

           “Like…a friendly date…?”

           “No. Like an actual romantic date where I might be courageous enough to kiss you on the cheek.”

Your eyes widen. Your jaw practically drops to the floor. That’s something you aren’t expecting to come from his mouth.

But again…you know he’s known for his unpredictability. So…

           “Uh…” You begin but soon feel his finger on your lips.

Seokjin flashes his signature, heart-fluttering smile, and says,

           “You don’t have to answer me right now. I know you’re going through a heartbreak and will give you time to readjust to the single life,” He suddenly stands up, “I just want to ask before I forget or become a complete coward.” He smiles softly; his gaze glowing with adoration. He then walks over to your bedroom door and opens it. He peeks over his shoulder with this grin that causes your heart to race.

           “I’ll see you at school, princess.” He says sweetly before walking out of your room and pass your mom, “See you later, Mrs. L/N.”

Your mom nods, watching him disappear down the stairs, before walking inside your room with the biggest grin you’ve ever seen in your entire life.

           “Ooh…so are you gonna go on that date?” asks your mom with an intrigued gleam in her eyes.

Oh my goodness…

           “I don’t know mom. He’s just a friend.”

           “Well, it seems like he’s doesn’t want to be “just” your friend, sweetie.”

           “Which is weird since he’s never expressed interest in me before.”

Your mom’s grin grows wider, “Or… He just respected your relationship with Junhong patiently waited for his one chance.” She states as she walks towards your bedroom door, “Think about it and maybe give him a chance. Who knows…maybe he’s just what you need to be able to love again?” She adds before walking out, leaving you alone with your thoughts.

Is he what you need?

Ah…

Thanks a lot mom…

A loud, frustrated fueled groan escapes your lips as you flop back on your bed. You reach for one of your pillows and cover your face with it, hoping to smother yourself.

Your mom just had to say that…

But, she’s right. Seokjin’s just what you needed in order to get out of your slump. A few weeks after that visit, he’s taken you out on that date. Oh, God. You remember how big of a nervous wreck you were in the afternoon. Your closet has been emptied out as your clothes laid on the floor. Your vanity mirror has looked like a tornado zoomed right through it. You even called up two of your closest friends. Your sisters from different misters as you call them. That’s how desperate you’ve become, so you can look quite gorgeous for your handsome best friend.

Though, now as you recall that night, you realize that those theatrics weren’t necessary. You honestly tease yourself as you continue to read the letter addressed to Seokjin. You write how much he frustrates you to how he makes you crazy in love. You can’t believe that this journey has been one giant crazy ride.

Then…

Just like any other ride…

It has come to an end…

You let out a long and deep sigh, mentally preparing yourself to handle yet another heartbreaking moment. Though, nothing will beat the pain and tears you’ve felt when you’ve written Junhong’s letter. Well. Actually. Scratch that. There’s one letter that is almost on par with your first love’s letter but luckily, Seokjin’s letter isn’t it.

When you move on to read his letter, you’ll need to take a breather because, besides experiencing a heartbreak, nothing beats the good old “what could’ve been?” feeling. That feeling of that you’re an almost with someone but eventually have become strangers.

That feeling stings the most…

           “Okay. Okay.” You utter as you scan Seokjin’s letter, finding the spot where you’ve left off. Your eyes scan sentence after sentence, taking in the array of emotions once again.

Then, you finally land on a word, signaling your mind that you’ve reached your destination.

A faint sigh escapes your lips. Your eyes blink a few times, hoping that action will prevent any tears from forming. You don’t feel like crying more than fives times today.

But, of course, your emotions have a mind of their own. They sometimes listen to you but other times, they don’t.

It’s fun being a girl!

With one final deep breath, you read the beginning paragraph, reading a few sentences to yourself.

           “I can’t believe that we completed yet another school year together! I remember my mom wanting to throw a graduation party for you, but you turned it down. Weeks have gone by, and I have yet to hear a peep from you. Maybe it’s my turn to spam your phone…”

You stop as you feel tears pool in the brim of your eyes. Yet you can’t help but smile. You have always known that Seokjin is going to go on to do great things with his life.

So…

Naturally…

You hold true to that saying.

If you love something, then let it go. One day, it’ll come back to you…

Panting, you exert any remaining adrenaline, that surges through your body, as you hope to catch Seokjin before he officially leaves for college.

Weeks prior, you have left him text message after text message, but they went unanswered. Then, when it’s his turn to reach out to you, your family has decided to take a week trip to your grandparents’ house.

Talk about bad luck.

Now, just as you got home, you receive a voice mail from Seokjin, saying that today is his last day in town before he officially goes away to college.

So many questions and scenarios bombard your mind. Do you want to try long distance with him? Will he forget all about you once his college life picks up? Will you end up heart broken by the man who’s spent almost a year nursing it?

It’s selfish to want him to change his mind, but you know that, in good conscience, you can’t do that to him. He has been nothing but sweet and loving to you so, as much as your heart will hurt, you have to let him go.

Just like Junhong has done with you…

After what seems like an eternity, you finally turn the corner and see a familiar backside leaning forward over a car. You see that the trunk is open, so you know that you at least have a few minutes to say your piece and kiss Seokjin one last time.

           “Jinnie!” You shout, jogging up to him.

Seokjin’s ears perk up; his mind registering the voice of the one person he cherishes with his entire heart. A faint but sad smile appears on his face as he positions a box against the trunk of his car.

Then, he stands up and turns around. His face light up like a kid in a candy store. He holds out his arms, waiting for you to come crashing in.

           “Hey princess.” He greets happily, engulfing your body into his. He rests his cheek against the top of your head, ignoring the warm sensation. Don’t you love dark colored hair on a hot Summer’s day?

He pecks your temple before breaking the hug but keeps his arms wrap around your waist.

           “I was scared that you weren’t going to make it.” He confesses sadly; his expression dropping a bit.

You plaster on a smile, not wanting to make him any sadder than he already is.

           “I’m sorry. I just got home from my grandparents’ house when you left me that voice mail,” You glance up, “If anyone should be scared, it should be me. I was legit afraid that you’d be long gone by the time I had got home.” You say. Your expression dropping as well.

An airy chuckle escapes his lips as Seokjin pulls you in for another hug.

           “Well, I’m glad that you’re here now. I’d think I would be absolutely crush, if I didn’t get the chance to say goodbye to my princess.” He mumbles into your hair. He inhales in your sweet scent, wanting to memorize your aroma while he’s away at college.

You smile into his chest while your heart tightens. This is going to be extremely difficult but at the end of the day, you’re doing what’s best for him.

He needs to leave with nothing to hold him back.

You don’t want to hold him back.

So…

It’s time…

You pull away just enough to get one final look at his handsome face. You eyes study every single facial feature, wanting to remember his beautiful eyes, gorgeous plump limps, and cute nose. How his ears turn bright red whenever he’s embarrassed. How his eyes become animated whenever he passionately talks about an interest of his.

You remember him as the way he is now and not when he’s upset and reluctant to leave you.

           “Can we talk?”

           “Oh…that’s not a phrase any boyfriend wants to hear.”

           “I know... but you and I both know that we have to end things between us.”

           “No we don’t.”

You exhale deeply, closing your eyes briefly before opening them.

           “Seokjin, you know I love you to the sun and back, but you’re going away to college today. I just don’t want to hold you back.” You try to convince him, but you notice his jaw tighten.

He’s upset.

           “How are you going to hold me back? If anything, you’re my reason for wanting to do my absolute best!”

           “How?! Knowing you, all you’re going to do is worry about me or perhaps become jealous over the fact that you’re no longer to keep the other boys away!”

           “And?! What’s so bad about that?! Honestly Y/N, you should be worried if I no longer care!”

Jesus Christ. This is getting you nowhere. This petty argument is the last thing you want your relationship experience to be. Ideally, you’ve wanted to end it amicably. Obviously, that’s not happening.

But you don’t condemn him for it. Your heart soars knowing that he wants to make your relationship work, but you know that – eventually – it will sizzle out. And you don’t want to lose your best friend.

           “Why are we fighting, Seokjin? This is not how I wanted us to end things.”

Seokjin rolls his eyes, scoffing. He crosses his arms over his chest as he’s released you from his loving hold minutes ago. He stares off into the distance. His jaw still clenches.

He doesn’t want to lash out on you again as he has come to realize that you’re right. His jealousy can get pretty bad to the point that it’ll consume his thoughts.

Don’t get him wrong. He does have absolute trust in you, but he’ll miss you too much that it only fuel his jealous fits.

You don’t deserve it, and he doesn’t deserve it.

He hates it when you’re right. Since the first day, you guys have become friends. You’re always right whether he likes it or not.

Darn it…

His expression softens. His eyes flutter shut for a moment. A slow release of breath can be heard as he directs his attention onto you.

You simply stare, unsure what’s he going to do next. Then, you feel his soft fingers against your cheek. You lean into his warm touch; your eyes glowing with nothing but love.

           “Why do you always have to be right, princess?”

           “Because you adopted the whole “being wrong most of the time” so naturally, I became the one who’s always right.”

           “For the last time…you’re right.”

           “Aren’t I always…”

Your fingers touch your lips as you can faintly feel the tingling sensation as if he just kissed you. Slowly, a warm smile graces your face as you’ve reached the end of the letter.

After you guys have shared one last kiss, he entered his vehicle and drove away. Unknown to you, Seokjin glanced in his rearview mirror, wanting to take one final glimpse at the girl he’s leaving behind.

You remember standing near his house until his car’s no longer in sight. You recall feeling pleased with yourself that you at least manage to say goodbye and end something on happy note.

Until last year, Seokjin has kept his word of texting and calling you, just as friends of course, every single day. Then, like any other student, he has gotten busy and the calls just stopped.

However, you’re luckily enough that you’ve gotten some advice on how to handle the next letter recipient.

Your bottom lip disappears as you seal away Seokjin’s letter and place the envelope on top of Junhong’s.

Then, after debating for about ten seconds, you reach a light sea green colored envelope. You let out a long and loud sigh as you read the code name for its’ recipient.

           “To the One Who’s a Complete Stranger…”

This should be fun…

A/N: Okay, I find it amusing that Seokjin’s section is 300+ words longer. I’m so sorry Junhong ;-; But every time I write for Jinnie, his angst scenes require a longer scene. Poor him tbh...

Anyway...any guesses on who’s the next person? ;)

Don’t forget to leave a like/reblog/comment/send in an ask on your thoughts! I love hearing them! :)

- Kim

[imagine-loki]

Loki and the Witchling

TITLE: Loki and the Witchling 

CHAPTER NO./ONE SHOT: 33/?

AUTHOR: nekoamamori

ORIGINAL IMAGINE: Imagine you’re a healer working with the Avengers when Loki comes to join the team

RATING: T (so far) 

NOTES/WARNINGS: Also on AO3 click here

     “Y/N, what the hell do you think you’re doing?” Nat demanded as you struggled to your feet the second the jet had landed.

    “Do you want Loki to think I can’t stand on my own power?” you shot back at her as Thor braced you to keep you upright. Your leg was bleeding through the bandage and didn’t want to take your weight.

    “You can’t stand on your own power,” Clint jumped into the grumbling.

    “Do you want Loki knowing that?” you snarled at him. You wanted everyone to survive this experience and having Loki angry as little as possible seemed the best idea for that. “I can stand on my own. I’ll agree that I shouldn’t,” you finally admitted.

    The door to the jet opened and you stepped out with Thor’s arm wrapped around you to keep you on your feet. Loki had already been walking toward the jet, a grin on his face at the idea of whatever fun he’d found for you two for the evening. His expression fell when he saw you. He ran over, fear and worry replacing his previous grin. You tried to give him a smile to reassure him.

    He went straight for Thor with daggers drawn. One was held to Thor’s throat instantly. “You were supposed to protect her!” Loki snarled in frustrated rage. Thor moved his arm, pushing you behind him, away from Loki’s daggers.

    You tried to protest, but Thor held you back with one strong arm. “I am not letting you play with Loki while he has daggers out and is actively trying to stab me, little sister. You are already injured enough,” The two of them flew through a well practiced battle. It would have been impressive had Loki hadn’t been actively trying to stab Thor. Thor was just defending himself, and you. He was at an obvious disadvantage here.

    Loki’s rage and his frustrated pain were unrivaled. At least Thor could handle him.

    It was still dangerous, so you took the opportunity to distract him from killing Thor. It was a cheap shot and you knew it, but you did it anyway. You were a healer first, and your first instinct was to protect your family. You stepped out from behind Thor and took a step toward Loki, purposely letting your injured leg buckle beneath you.

    The effect was exactly as you expected. Loki dropped his daggers and rushed to you, catching you before you could fall. He held you cradled in his arms as he looked over your wounds. When he had taken inventory, he swept you up into his arms and started whispering worriedly in Asgardian. He must have been really worried to slip back into his native tongue and not English or All-speak. “I’m ok,” you told him, trying to reassure him, but you could hear the pain in your voice.

    “I’m so sorry, love. I should have been there,” he finally switched back over to a language you could understand, calming ever so slightly.

    “Reindeer Games, do something useful and get her to medical. Unless you’ve suddenly developed the power to heal her yourself, we’ll have to call the doctor in,” Tony grumbled. The rest of the team was trying to get out of the jet, but you, Thor, and Loki were in their way.

    “Yeah, we haven’t been able to get any pain meds in her yet. How she’s not crying in pain is beyond me,” Nat added, drawing Loki’s attention back to you again. Without answering them, Loki teleported the two of you down to medical. He laid you on the hospital bed.

    “Witchling…” Loki started.

    “I’ll be ok, Loki,” you tried to reassure him again, but you were fighting back tears of pain. You saw the heartbreak in his eyes. He felt terrible that you’d been in danger and he hadn’t been able to be there, worse, it was his decision to leave to find himself and deal with his problems that had led to him not being able to be there. “It’s not your fault,”

    “I left you and you had to go face this mission without me.” He started digging through the medicine cabinet until he pulled out the bottle of pills with ‘For Asgardians’ written on it in both English and Asgardian runes. “Let me take care of you, love,” he whispered, worry and pain in his eyes. He placed a couple in your good hand and handed you a held a glass of water to your lips. You didn’t need that much help, but you let him do it. He was so worried about you.

    Almost instantly, the pain was gone. Whatever was in those pills was strong. It had to be, to work on Thor. Shit. To work on Thor. Thor was a whole lot bigger than you. “That dose was labelled for Thor,” you murmured, finally realizing what you should’ve known. Loki smiled softly and kissed your forehead.

    “I am aware,” he replied gently. He was obviously glad you weren’t in pain anymore, at least. “I also know you quite well, darling. You will continue to insist you are fine while you are in pain, and will hate, fret, and fear every moment of a doctor fixing you up. This way you do not need to experience such things,”

    “Cheater,” you mumbled.

    “Let me take care of you, darling,” he bid you again. “Or I shall be forced to go kill my brother for letting you get hurt,” he grumbled.

    “Stay with me?” you asked him softly, fighting to keep your eyes open for a moment longer. Loki would make sure you were taken care of. He felt terrible for the fact that you went on a mission without him, especially since you came back this hurt from it. He wouldn’t forgive himself until you had healed, you knew. He was always too hard on himself.

    “Always, darling,” he replied and kissed you lightly. “Rest now. I will be here,”

    *

    The next time you woke, you found yourself tucked in your own bed. Loki was at your side the moment your eyes opened. “How are you feeling?” he asked softly, pushing your hair back from your face. You moved to sit up against the pillows and he was helping you in an instant.

    “Like someone broke my arm, then fed me pills that are dosed for Thor,” you complained at him. Your brain wasn’t quite awake yet. You right arm was in a cast. Great. You were right handed. Why couldn’t they have broken your left arm?

    “Those were two separate events, witchling,” Loki told you with a small hesitant smile. You gave him a smile in return.

    “I know. I just wish, yet again, that I can heal myself.” You sighed heavily. He kissed the top of your head.

    “I know, darling. You’re going to be out of commission basically until I’m off of house arrest. We heal faster than humans, but that was a very nasty break,”

    “How bad?” you asked.

    “The bones were broken in three places. It’s a miracle they didn’t break the skin. Your leg should be able to take your weight again in a couple days. The bullet went clear through and if you heal as fast as Thor and I do…”

    “Is Thor still alive? You were pretty set on killing him,”

    “He’s still alive. For now.” Loki grumbled. He was obviously displeased about this fact. “He was supposed to protect you,”

    “We were ambushed, Loki. There was no chance for him to protect me, or for me to hide away from the fighting. They also obviously knew who I was. I was their target the entire fight. We had no chance to circle the wagons around the healer either. It was an awful fight,”

    Loki nodded. “The team explained the same thing while you were unconscious,” he explained. You nodded and wearily laid your head on his shoulder.

    “I’ve been asleep for…hours?” he nodded. “Why am I tired?” you grumbled. You had just woken up. You shouldn’t be this brain-numbingly tired.

    “You’re healing, love,” he reminded you gently. “Have you never-?” you shook your head.

    “I’ve never been hurt like this before. Remind me not to do it again. It’s no fun.” He chuckled.

    “Gladly, darling,” he replied gently. “You should eat something before you go back to sleep, though,” he told you before you could fall back asleep on him. You grumbled at him in reply.

    “I’m not hungry,” you told him sourly. Eating seemed like too much work when you just wanted to sleep.

    “Sure you’re not,” he replied dryly. “Asgardians are already bottomless pits by human standards. Healing Asgardians are worse,”

    “You make me sound like Thor,” you grumbled at him, which got a real laugh out of him.

    “I apologize, my lady, I would never compare you to my idiot brother,” he laughed, which earned him a smile. “Natasha made that pasta dish you like so much,” he bribed.

    “Cheater,” you grumbled. You would gladly eat an entire pot of that stuff alone and in one sitting. He laughed.

    “I thought that might pique your interest,” he commented innocently. You rolled your eyes at him, but were delighted when a plate of the pasta creation was in your lap a moment later.

    “You are the best boyfriend ever,” you told him, reaching for the fork to devour your weight in Nat’s delicious pasta. About thirty seconds later you realized you couldn’t hold a fork while you had a cast on your arm. This was going to be a long eight weeks. You switched to your left hand, and fought to manage with it.

    Loki gallantly didn’t try to force the issue of helping, knowing you’d be too embarrassed to accept his help, if he offered. You weren’t having him feed you like a child. You weren’t. You swore you weren’t. Until he was telling such ridiculous stories about Thor being turned into a frog and still somehow wielding Mjolnir that you didn’t even notice the fork was no longer in your hand, but was in his instead.

[anchored-in-high-tide]

New Chapter online :)

Check out the first three chapters: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17092448

Sherlock’s Chapter: Gentle Treatment

And you can tell everybody This is your song. It may be quite simple but Now that it's done I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind That I put down in words How wonderful life is Now you're in the world.

Elton John, Your Song.

December began and 221B Baker Street was illuminated by fairy lights John had spread all over the sitting room. Sherlock didn’t put up a fight at the sight of the little lights arranged over the fireplace and on the windowsills, especially because he had terribly missed the way John decorated the flat for Christmas, even if he would never admit that. It was just one of the things that made the space feel like a real home, something Sherlock had subconsciously wished for as long as he had been on this earth. His mind wandered back to dark places, to cold months without John’s little lights to guide a way back home, to years of icy isolation from everyone and everything he held dear. He had reason to hope now that he would never have to go back there. Because John was with him now.

The way John cared for Sherlock was everything he needed to seal all the gaping holes and cracks in his being. He had been broken down to his very essence, endured more trauma and heartbreak than he could count, but now, with John back at his side, he would build himself back up again, in new brighter colours, with more windows in his walls to let John’s sunlight in.

There were still secret, ash coloured corners in his mind that someday, maybe, he would open up to John’s golden embrace if he ever mustered the courage to. Every time he let John catch a glimpse of the desolation that lay behind his barricades, allowing him to see all the ways he was a misfit in this bleak universe, Sherlock was sure that his friend would be appalled. How couldn’t he be? But then John was just… kind to him, kind and calm and steady. Sherlock knew that he could trust him unconditionally when it came to fighting the wars of the world but burdening him with the mountains of pain he carried on his shoulders would certainly break even the bravest of men. He had put John through enough already.

He was content to just bath in John’s radiance every day, to soak up his warmth, and fight the demons of his past on his own. As long as John was by his side, Sherlock knew that he would emerge victorious.

As they sat down one December evening, both exhausted from assisting Lestrade on a case which unfortunately called for a lot of lengthy stake-outs, the flat lay in comfortable silence. Mrs. Hudson had already put Rosie to bed in her room where she, fortunately, slumbered now. John made tea and handed Sherlock a couple of gingernuts with his cup and a quiet smile before he slumped down on the sofa and turned on the telly.

Sherlock had noticed that these little caring gestures had increased exponentially since they had returned from Norfolk. At first, Sherlock had hated it; He was angry at himself for breaking down at the precinct, displaying such weakness, and angry at John for trying to coddle him. However, pushing John away with snarky remarks and cruel comments had stopped working a long time ago. John just rolled his eyes at him and stayed stoically right where he was, only showing his hurt in the most minuscule ways possible. These little markers—brows a little too furrowed, jaw a little too clenched—made Sherlock realize that John was genuinely worried about him. Wasn’t it cruel to forbid him to act on his protectiveness? After all, Sherlock would rather John cared about him than go back to a world where John was not only indifferent to his pain but even inflicting it purposefully. John taking care of him had never once been a disadvantage, not to mention that Sherlock enjoyed the hopeful tingling in his chest when John displayed signs of affection. So, what use was in fighting it? His anger followed no logic. Therefore, his reactions needed to change.

Instead of snapping at John, Sherlock now followed a new approach altogether: He tried to reciprocate these acts up to his own capability—which didn’t allow for much, really. Pleasing people was not Sherlock’s strong suit; that had been made clear throughout his entire life. Yet, there had to be ways for him to show John how much he loved having him around again but, as always, Sherlock couldn’t quite figure out what made John Watson tick.

So, he carefully conducted tiny experiments. His past activities—trying to limit his deductions to people outside of his close circle, calming Rosie whenever John was especially stressed, taking his opinion into account whenever he remembered to—had proven quite successful if John’s overall happy demeanour was any indicator. Doing the dishes and the shopping seemed to work, too, while any drink or food Sherlock prepared in order to please John was met with open suspicion. Considering how often he had traced his food with differing substances for experiments, that actually was no wonder, Sherlock presumed. Still, he was pretty disappointed with this outcome since he discovered that the chemistry of baking actually had a very meditative effect on his racing mind. He would just keep trying; maybe John would get over his vigilance eventually. Other endeavours, however, proved completely fruitless, such as opening John’s mail and paying his bills or arranging his clothes in a more convenient order. Sherlock mentally marked these activities as failures and made sure to derive as much information from John’s reaction as possible. Apparently, going through the things John regarded private was a bit not good although these invisible lines people always drew seemed completely random to Sherlock. And gradually he ran out of ideas. Undoubtedly, further research was necessary.

The day before, when John had left him alone in the flat, Sherlock had sat down with his laptop and spent the next few hours googling phrases like “how to be a good friend”. The results varied from partly useful to wildly preposterous. It appeared that a friend was supposed to compliment his counterpart, be trustworthy and reliable, make sure the other felt happy, help them in difficult situations, and display affection for them in various ways. Especially the last point sounded exceptionally tedious but the harvest might still justify the labour.

“The tea always tastes better when you make it,” Sherlock now said after taking a sip, his voice timider than he had desired.

John was clearly baffled by the compliment; His head jerked around with such rapid movement that he almost spilled his own cup of tea in his eagerness to look at the younger man. His eyes scanned Sherlock’s features for signs of dishonesty or mockery but found only a coy smile curling full lips. Slowly, John’s expression relaxed and reflected Sherlock’s smile.

“Thank you, Sherlock. That’s… I’m glad,” he said, still hesitating a little. Sherlock was not quite satisfied with his reaction.

“And I like your new button-down,” he added, trying to sound serious and friendly at the same time—not an easy combination to master for him. “The colour really suits you.”

To his discontent, John just rolled his eyes at him and playfully snapped: “Yeah, right. Give it a rest, you git.” He turned his gaze back to whatever was on the telly and slightly shook his head in what Sherlock could only guess was some form of scepticism.

“But, John, I mean it.” Weren’t people supposed to be pleased by compliments?

John chuckled disbelievingly and fixated him again, eyes narrowed in exaggerated suspicion. “You set one of my jumpers on fire again and now you want to build up to an apology,” he accused him jokingly.

“No, of course not.” This really wasn’t the way Sherlock had imagined this conversation to go. The few times he had paid people compliments—for the sole purpose of manipulating their feeble egos—it had always worked. Why did things never go according to plan with John Watson?

“Then why are you being so nice?” John asked, his voice now displaying equal parts of amusement and concern. Sherlock was suddenly very aware of his hands and thankful for the cup to wrap around.

“Just trying something,” he mumbled into his tea, avoiding John’s eyes. Sherlock was not sure how to evaluate this new approach but acquiring additional data would have to wait until tomorrow. He couldn’t possibly endure any more of this awkwardness right now.

“Right.” John dragged out the word and redirected his attention to the telly.

The rest of the evening was spent in relative quietude while both men dwelled on their own thoughts. At half past ten, John got up and made his way to the bath- and then the bedroom. Sherlock gave him the usual ten-minute head start before he followed suit. As he entered the bedroom, their bedroom now, John was already rolled to a tight cuddly burrito of blankets, ready to fall asleep in an instant. Sherlock slid under the covers next to him, his back to John, and reached over to turn off the bedside lamp.

In the all-cloaking darkness, John’s soft voice, already muffled by imminent sleep, floated to his ear: “It’s nice when you’re being kind, Sherlock. Just took me by surprise a little, I guess. But I like it.”

“You do?” Sherlock whispered. Why did his voice suddenly sound so hoarse?

“’Course I do,” said John, barely conscious. A minute later his breaths were already so deep and steady that Sherlock was sure he had fallen asleep. His own transport, however, didn’t allow him to drift off that easily. John’s words still rang in his head, demanding a revaluation of the evening’s development; Compliments were useful to display affection and appreciation after all. Sherlock would just have to apply them regularly so John knew he was being serious. That wasn’t that hard. There were thousands and thousands of little positive things Sherlock noticed about John and just never found the necessity—or the nerves—to utter. Give at least five compliments daily, Sherlock wrote on his mental checklist. He could still adjust the amount according to John’s reaction later on. Satisfied with his results and a little proud, Sherlock lay in the dark and felt a grin perk up the corners of his mouth.

Next to him, John began to toss and turn, uneasy moans escaping his throat. Sherlock suspended his own breathing to listen closely, not sure how to categorize these sounds. Was John having a nightmare? Or… a different kind of dream? Carefully, Sherlock turned to his other side and tried to make out John’s face. His features were barely visible in the gloom but Sherlock believed they looked rather pained than pleased. He was just about to move closer for a better look when John’s eyes sprang open. They struggled to pierce the darkness and, then, found Sherlock’s.

“Sherlock?” John’s voice had an unsettling quality to it.

“John?” Sherlock answered and simultaneously fumbled for the bedside lamp to finally see John’s expression.

“I don’t feel so good, I think I might be—,” John began but the rest of the sentence was lost because he sprang from the bed and rushed into the bathroom. Seconds later, Sherlock heard a nasty combination of gagging and splashing sounds. Oh, no.

Worriedly, he rose and poked his head through the door to find John kneeling in front of the toilet, still violently throwing up. Sherlock had a strong stomach usually; a prerequisite for being a detective and a scientist. He couldn’t remember the last time something had really made him sick. For goodness sake, he experimented with severed body parts as often as he could get his hands on anything from the morgue. But somehow, in an inexplicable flash of concern, seeing John on his knees, his body heaving in painful contractions, was too much for him. His whole system shut down. Sherlock could only stand in the doorway, frozen in panic, staring at his friend. Oh, no, John’s sick. Not good. John can’t be sick. Oh, no, his mind spiraled. Mycroft had been so right; Caring was not an advantage. It just disabled any rational thought.

Finally, John’s body lost tension and slumped into a little trembling mess of limbs on the cold floor tiles. With weak hands, he flushed the toilet and turned around to look at Sherlock, who still gawked at him with bright blue eyes wide open in distress.

“Get Rosie out of here,” John panted, his face white as a sheet and bedewed with sweat. “I can’t risk that she contracts this too, she’s too small!”

The addressed didn’t move.

“Sherlock!”

At last, his brain decided to respond to John’s words and kicked his body into action. He rushed out of the bathroom and yelled for Mrs. Hudson until she finally—hours later, Sherlock was sure—came hurrying up the stairs in her nightgown. Her face mirrored the alarm Sherlock couldn’t wipe off his own features. Yet, as he just cried out that John was sick, her fearful expression eased into slight concern laced with something almost resembling amusement. How was John being in pain funny?!

“Good God, Sherlock, I thought someone was about to blow up the flat again,” she chuckled in apparent relief.

Sherlock was about to snap at her for her lack of understanding the incredible seriousness of the situation but then decided there were more pressing issues to address. He quickly shooed Mrs. Hudson upstairs to grab Rosie from her crib and get her to the safety of her own flat before the little girl could get in contact with him or John. Fear and concern still fogged his mind as he paced up and down the sitting room, waiting for Mrs. Hudson to bring Rosie down.

After they finally had left, Sherlock returned to John, finding him sitting on his side of the bed. His face was still rather pale but at least the shivering had stopped. John shot him an apologetical smile while Sherlock just stood in the doorway, unsure how to proceed. He wanted to make John feel better, no matter what it took. That was what a good friend was supposed to do. And he wanted to be a good friend for John Watson, so badly. First and foremost, he needed data. Data formed the universe’s fabric. Data brought sense and logic and security.

“When and what did you eat and drink last?” asked Sherlock, his voice slipping into the matter-of-fact but eager tone he used on clients.

“Ehm, a cup of tea and biscuits with you, like four hours ago.” John rubbed his face and Sherlock’s stomach clenched at the sight of his friend’s evident fatigue and discomfort. Seeing John suffer in any form always afflicted him with the nagging sensation of acid burning through his inner organs. Empathy was surely one of the most useless and counterproductive outcomes of evolutionary history ever. Thank God, Mycroft wasn't here to witness his reactions.

“Hm, can’t be it, I’ve had the same thing and I’m fine,” Sherlock said and waved his hand dismissively, now beginning to pace the room again to wear off some of the nervous energy seething in his body.

“I had a sandwich for lunch at two-ish, that’s it,” John said after short consideration.

“Unlikely. First symptoms of food poisoning normally occur two to six hours after ingestion,” replied Sherlock, his bare feet tapping on the bedroom floor in anxious movement.

“I know, Sherlock, I’m a doctor.” John rolled his eyes at him, although his words bore less of the annoyance he usually used when Sherlock spurned his medical expertise. He really was etiolated.

“So, it’s most likely a stomach bug. Good call to get Rosie out of here.” Sherlock once again admired John’s ability to prioritize everyone else’s safety and well-being, even while vomiting his heart out.

“You should go too, I don’t want you to be sick,” John said softly as if to highlight Sherlock’s thoughts.

“John, I’ve been in very close proximity to you over the last 48 hours. If it’s the stomach flu, I’ve already caught it by now.”

“Still, the next couple of hours won’t be fun,” John replied with a weary smile. “You don’t need to see that or lose sleep over me.”

Sherlock halted and fixated his friend, looking for signs of dishonesty or rejection, yet finding nothing but sincere concern. Even now, John was more worried about Sherlock being uncomfortable than about his own tarnished health. Ever the good doctor.

Whenever Sherlock had been sick as a grown-up, he had been completely alone. Whenever his transport fell ill and he was confined to his rooms, alone with his thoughts, nothing to console him; those were the only occasions Sherlock craved company. He always wished for someone to take care of him and guide him through the disposition, to sit by his bedside and coddle him as his mother used to when he was only a child with too much going on under his dark curls. Sherlock then usually cursed his mind for being too weak to fight off this sentimentality and fruitless wishes because, of course, no one ever showed up to look after him. Until a certain ex-army doctor limped into his life.

Sherlock had noticed it the second John had stepped into the lab at Bart’s: the overwhelming and soul-devouring loneliness. He had known in that very moment that no one had ever taken care of John either. That he had probably lain in a hospital bed, recovering from a wound sustained while protecting others, all by himself, forsaken. He had read his need for companionship, for a purpose, for a home, as clearly as if it had been written on the man’s forehead in neon letters. And he had seen how close the doctor was to contravening his core values and ending the misery he deemed his existence.

An echo of the same sense of responsibility Sherlock had experienced all those years before rang in his chest. He would never let John fight sickness or injury or anything the world might inflict on him alone ever again. Not, if there was any other way.

“I’m not leaving,” he said, unwaveringly.

“Sherlock—,” John began his attempt to object but Sherlock cut him off with an adamantine stare.

“I. am. not. leaving.” To corroborate his words, he climbed back into bed, pulled his blanket up to his waist and crossed his arms, pouting.

“Right. Fine,” John shrugged and Sherlock was almost certain that he heard a little chuckle accompanying his words, as his friend slid back under the covers.

***

John threw up two more times that night, his empty stomach regurgitating nothing but gastric juice. In an aftermath of shaking limbs and sweat-soaked pyjamas, he barely conquered the few steps back from the bathroom before his body could collapse beneath him. With every passing minute, Sherlock grew more worried and frustrated by his own inability to help him. John couldn’t drink even the smallest amounts of water without his body pumping it right out again. His gaze became fuzzy and unfocused, the few words he spoke were unintelligible. Sherlock tentatively reached out to the man next to him and placed his slender fingers on John’s forehead; he was burning up.

“You run a fever,” Sherlock said, his voice thick with concern. That someone as tough and sturdy as John could be knocked out by some stupid microorganisms was just not right.

“Hm, hand’s cold,” John murmured with eyes half-closed, being drawn to a dreamless exhausted unconsciousness.

“Oh, sorry.” Sherlock quickly retreated but John frowned and quickly added: “No, s’nice.”

As the younger man’s pale hand returned to his skin, John’s face relaxed again. His eyes slid closed completely and a soft satisfied bumbling vibrated in his throat. The fact that he was able to alleviate John's discomfort relieved Sherlock immensely. He adjusted his own figure to a more comfortable position, now sitting beside his friend with crossed legs and his sheets wrapped around his shoulders. He cooled John’s forehead, switching hands whenever their body temperatures aligned, and watched as John drifted back and forth between sleeping and waking. Slowly, pale sunlight crept into the bedroom.

“What’re you humming?” John finally asked barely audibly, prying his eyes open with strenuous effort and groggily fixating Sherlock. Under his gaze, Sherlock stopped his mind from studying John’s endearing features in the faint light of the rising day. Humming? He? Had he really? Quickly, he tried to identify the melody still lingering on his lips. Oh. At the realization, his cheeks turned pink.

“Your Song, Elton John,” he said, embarrassment tinting his voice. “My mother always used to sing to me whenever I couldn’t sleep, no matter how old I was, whether I was sick or just agitated or scared or sad—.” His voice trailed off, stumbling over the memories. Forcefully pulling his thoughts back from that path, Sherlock rolled his eyes in an attempt to disguise the emotion invading him and added: “She wasn’t one for traditional lullabies, always just sang me random songs she liked. Your Song was one of her favourites.”

“I like it, too. It’s a good song,” John approved and gave Sherlock a warm smile that calmed his nerves. It was one of the puzzling talents of John Watson; When Sherlock’s mind was tearing at him, galloping in a thousand different directions, John could steady him. With a single smile, one softly spoken word, one firm but tender hand on his shoulder, John Watson could anchor him even in the greatest of storms. He was solid and constant and safe.

“It's a little bit funny this feeling inside, I'm not one of those who can easily hide,“ John began to sing gently, more as to remind himself of the lyrics. Sherlock loved hearing John sing; his voice was rich and extraordinarily expressive as if music unlocked something deep inside of him that was usually not allowed to see the light of day. More times than he cared to count, Sherlock had listened to John crooning songs to himself while making tea or breaking into song under the shower when he thought no one could hear him. Every time, an unfamiliar sensation spread in Sherlock’s body, sailing on his bloodstream to even the remotest of his shores.

Listening to John now, his voice still muffled by sleep and fever, didn’t fail to evoke this response either. Without his permission, Sherlock’s lips curled into a cherishing smile.

“I don't have much money but boy if I did I'd buy a big house where we both could live,” John continued, reverberating Sherlock’s smile even brighter upon meeting the pallid eyes hovering above him. He radiated a warmth that had nothing to do with the fever. Sherlock’s heart skipped a beat.

“If I was a sculptor, but then again, no, or a man who makes potions in a traveling show, I know it's not much but it's the best I can do. My gift is my song and this one's for you.” John’s voice became more confident and Sherlock no longer fought the adoration that shone from his face.

“And you can tell everybody this is your song,” he cautiously joined John in the chorus, their voices intertwining into an enchanting harmony. Goosebumps spread from the base of his skull.

“It may be quite simple but now that it's done I hope you don't mind, I hope you don't mind that I put down in words how wonderful life is while you're in the world.”

***

Only two hours later, the flu got hold of Sherlock, as well, although not as badly; he only threw up once and slumbered next to the still feverish John for the remainder of the day. As the sun began to set again and Sherlock trudged off to the kitchen to get a glass of water, he found a get-well-soon note from Mrs. Hudson next to a tray loaded with salty crackers, herbal tea, and a pot of chicken soup; obviously a substitute for her usual afternoon tea and biscuits. Sherlock resolved to thank her next time he saw her—if he remembered to. He reheated the soup, made them each a cup of herbal tea, and carried everything back to the bedroom. This being-a-good-friend-thing became easier by the minute.

As Sherlock lay in bed, comfortably nestled in his blankets only inches away from John, who had his laptop on his knees, streaming a Netflix documentary, both nibbling crackers and sipping tea, he couldn’t help but think that being sick wasn’t that bad after all. As long as it meant spending the day with John like this, he would even condone the vomiting.

Sherlock shot John a quick glance, glad to see that their extensive nap had returned the colour to his cheeks, and smiled slightly as John met his gaze. They would take care of each other now. They were not alone anymore.

[junker-town]

‘The Bachelor’ Recap: Let’s go to ... Cleveland?!

ABC

Football, amusement parks, and ... dating country singers?

We at SB Nation realize The Bachelor is very much sports. Therefore, each week we’ll recap all the heartbreak, drama, and excitement. If you missed anything, catch up on last week’s action here.

Get excited! Pilot Peter is taking this show on the road as he and the ladies are going to ...

CLEVELAND!

ABC

“Did he say...Cleveland?”

The excitement was palpable. I fully respect the self-awareness of this Cleveland.com article discussing The Bachelor’s trip to their fair city, saying, “We’re betting, though, like most tourists that come here, they’ll be pleasantly surprised at what they find.”

Look, Cleveland is actually pretty delightful, but Cleveland seems like a letdown when you consider that Colton’s ladies went to SINGAPORE for their first trip away from the Bachelor Mansion. Previous seasons went to Park City, Lake Tahoe, and Hilton Head for their first foray into the real world, so I can see how maybe the home of the Cleveland Browns was a bit of a let down.

One-on-one date — Victoria F.

I love amusement parks (shoutout Busch Gardens Williamsburg ... you’re my jam). They’re fun, rollercoasters are great, and there’s relatively good food and beer depending on where you go. Peter takes Victoria F. to Cedar Point, which THEY HAVE ENTIRELY TO THEMSELVES*.

*I am assuming there is staff there to, you know, run the rides.

This is arguably a perfect date, and the pair has a ton of fun riding rides without having to wait in line with hundreds of their closest friends. After a couple beers, they wrap up the day portion with a surely relaxing private concert featuring country singer Chase Rice.

Wait, Victoria F., why do you look so concerned?

ABC

“Wait, who is that singing.”

Turns out, SHE USED TO DATE SAID COUNTRY SINGER. Ah, Bachelor producers, you got us again.

At dinner, Victoria F. breaks the news (more on that later) that she and Rice used to date, and the most hilarious conversation in Bachelor franchise history ensued:

Victoria F: So, Chase and I used to date.

Peter: Like, the singer Chase?

[pause]

Peter: Like, the guy that was doing the concert?

Victoria F: Yeah.

Peter: Wait, what?

Victoria F: [solemnly nods]

Peter: [bewildered] No.

Victoria: I’m like shaking right now.

Peter: The guy that was singing? I talked to him. What?

After Peter got over the initial shock that, like, the singer Chase was the one Victoria F. was referring to, he was pretty chill. She got the rose and was serenaded by a man — not Chase Rice, unfortunately — playing the cello.

Group date

What do you when you’re in Cleveland? [checks notes] Football! Peter takes the ladies to FirstEnergy Stadium for the Bachelor Bowl, during which they LEGIT hit each other.

They are hitting harder in #TheBachelor football game tonight than in several Big 12 games I watched this year. This is Utah-BYU level hitting. Sheesh

— Alex Kirshner (@alex_kirshner) January 28, 2020

On the first play from scrimmage, Shiann rattles off one of her four touchdown runs, completely exposing the defense of the yellow team.

ABC

It actually turns into a great game, with the yellow squad — who are inexplicably called The Killer Bs — tying the game at 28 as the clock expires. Congratulations, ladies. Your prize is that all 13 of you go to the evening portion of the date. What could go wrong?

Wait, what’s that? IS THAT ALAYAH’S MUSIC?

[Extremely Eminem voice] Guess who’s back? Back again. Alayah’s back. Tell a friend.

All the ladies get VERY upset, and in true naive-Peter fashion, he gives Alayah the group rose. You know, the rose for the group date she wasn’t on and didn’t sacrifice her body for.

One-on-one date — Kelsey

In case you forgot over the last week, Kelsey is best-known in the house for her role in the Champagne Crisis that dominated house discussion for the first two weeks. Peter and Kelsey just wandered around downtown Cleveland for their date, stumbling upon a polka party that honestly looked like a blast.

At the dinner (AKA “tell your saddest story”) portion of the evening, Kelsey told Peter that she found out about her parents’ impending divorce before her mom found out ... BECAUSE SHE CAME HOME TO A NOTE FROM HER DAD ON THE COUNTER WITH HIS WEDDING RING.

That’s ... brutal.

He disappeared to Mexico to start a new life, and she didn’t see him for 12 years. Yikes. She got a well-deserved hug and the rose, ensuring her mansion safety for another week.

Cocktail party

If you love the Alayah vs. the world drama, you loved the cocktail party portion of the episode. Poor, sweet Peter was so excited coming into the cocktail party, and then he saw the ladies.

ABC

Look how excited they are! Deandra and Natasha call Peter on his bullshit of bringing back Alayah, he has a really weird conversation with Victoria P., and the episode runs out of time before anyone is eliminated.

Onto the highlights!

Most low-key insults of Cleveland

It’s fair to say the ladies weren’t stoked to go to Ohio. I appreciate the work Chris Harrison put in to build it up, but here’s the video of the announcement:

Just incredible pic.twitter.com/so3cczI0zR

— lindsey ok (@lindseyyok) January 28, 2020

Once the ladies got over the shock of being told they were going to Cleveland, they dropped some fire backhanded compliments at the home of the Rock & Roll Hall of Fame.

“When I think of Ohio, I don’t really think of romance, but I hope Cleveland surprises us.”

“None of us have really gone there, so you know what, Cleveland? Bring it on.”

“I wasn’t expecting it to be this nice.”

Most thought-out reason for having an even number of kids — AMUSEMENT PARKS

After riding a bunch of rides at Cedar Point, Peter asked Victoria F. how many kids she wanted. Her reply? Four. Peter was overly enthusiastic about this response, sharing that he wanted to have either two OR four kids. Not one. Not three. His reasoning?

He didn’t want to go to an amusement park as a family with an odd number of kids because then someone would have to ride alone.

Me:

Most unnecessary meltdown — Victoria F.

Congratulations, Victoria. You have taken what should have been an automatic award to Mykenna, who seemingly cries every 14 seconds.

Look. Is it weird to have an awkward special concert at a nearly empty amusement park? Yes! Is it insanely unfortunate to have an ex surprise you as the one serenading you and your new beau in aforementioned amusement park? Absolutely! Is this your fault in any way or should you be ashamed? LOL, hell no.

Who gives a shit, Victoria? You ran into your incredibly hot ex. Most of us wish that this could happen when you’re a) looking pretty as hell, and b) are on a super-fun date with a new guy.

Of course Victoria acts super weird, gets all dramatic when she tells Peter, and runs away to cry in a corner during the dinner portion of the date. If Peter had made a big deal out of it, maybe I could understand the reaction — but he was super cool and expected the women to have pasts that involve exes.

To be fair, this moment was so epically awkward they should hang this in the Louvre:

ABC

Best football advice — Hanford Dixon

After the pink team easily broke free for a touchdown, former Cleveland Brown Hanford Dixon told Deandra, “You can’t let them run and make a touchdown, because if they make a touchdown, then they score, and we’re at a disadvantage. Does everybody understand?”

I mean, he’s not wrong.

Football MVP — Shiann

DAMN GIRL. Shiann, or “Shiannimal” as Pete called her, seemingly rushed for all four touchdowns for the Eliminators. She dominated the opposing team’s defense, and Natasha offered to “block for her ass” so she could grab Peter first in the date’s now-overcrowded evening portion.

Well done, Shiann. Well done. You’re now a Cleveland Brown!

[jq37]

The Report Card – Fantasy High Sophomore Year Ep 7

Moms, Meltdowns, and Mayhem

Hello and welcome back to Fabian’s worst nightmare, already in progress!

We rejoin the Bad Kids who have linked back up the next day and are on their way to the library of the city Leviathan--The Compass Point Library. On the way there, they see the Crow’s Keep burning but Fabian, assuming it has to do with what happened to him, tells everyone to leave it alone.

Adaine questions why Riz hasn’t had any nightmares (Riz: In a way, my life is a nightmare) and the whole group goes into another round of Shadowcat speculation. Is she protecting Riz from nightmares for some reason? Why can Tracker and Garthy suddenly see her in the picture despite not having seen her irl or had any weird dreams? Is she masquerading as someone else? 

Anyway, they reach the library which is the cool, cobbled together and largely stolen (to Fig’s delight) pirate-y library of Alexandria type place. They meet an old pirate wizard named Rollins with a book of pirate spells that Fig immediately wants to steal and Adaine wants to borrow (or steal, she’s flexible). They all sign up for Compass Point library cards and go up to the observatory to look for Ayda Aguefort. 

In the observatory, they find a huge orange-yellow bird on a perch and this is the part of the recap where I have to inform you that Aguefort had not only banged a phoenix, he somehow managed to procreate with it. Meet Ayda Aguefort, the half-phoenix (shout-out to the anon from last week who called Ayda as Aguefort’s daughter). She’s got wings and arms, bird legs, a plume of red fiery hair, and eyes which are basically just fire.

Fig thinks she’s the creature Aguefort made for her for reasons I cannot begin to fathom. She tries to feed her but Ayda rejects the food, not wishing to be in anyone’s debt. Ayda is kind of intense, abrupt, and anti-social when they meet her. She’s fully is about to fly away instead of helping until Fabian yells that Garthy sent them and Adaine remembers she has the letter from Garthy asking her to help them. After some back and forth, she agrees to give Adaine the spell (which will take 6 hours to learn) for 150 gold. But these are the Bad Kids so, of course, we have several tangents before the plot goes anywhere, during which we learn Ayda is a divination wizard (like Adaine), she asks if her father has talked about her (Fig successfully lies that he has), and Gorgug spouts out some fortune cookie nonsense (“What is a telescope but a spyglass pointed at the stars?”) that convinces Ayda that he could be the greatest wizard of their age (Adaine does a spit take and Fig is loving it).   

Adaine hits the books to learn the sending spell with Sandra-Lynn keeping watch while everyone else splits up suchly:

Fabian wants to go out to check on the Hangman but Kristen absolutely vetoes that. Buddy. System. Ragh agrees to go with him and she lays off. He tries to see what the damage on the Hangman is. Nat 1. As far as Fabian can tell, the Hangman is full dead. Not only that, Fabian is poor people sick which he isn’t used to at all. Ragh isn’t doing much better on the emotional front. He just started making progress with processing his emotions and now his mom might be dead. Saddest Hoot Growl ever (seriously, it’s heartbreaking). Cathilda comes in, loving as ever, with food and kind words and an old lullaby, but that’s not enough to stop Fabian from rolling another Nat 1 and gaining 2 levels of exhaustion (which means disadvantage on ability checks and speed halved). Lou, please burn those dice. 

Kristen and Riz are researching the Nightmare King. They go into a religious studies section of the library and (on a 20+ check from Riz) find texts about a temple to a forgotten god in Sylvere (the forest of the Nightmare King). The god is never named in any of the texts which Kristen finds weird. Riz decides to steal the book and is able to do it, despite Kristen’s “help”. Later, Kristen cross-refs Riz’s info with her world religions book and, on a dirty 20, she finds with frustration that there’s a lot of information but none of it really matches up. The fairies, treants, and especially the unicorns all had mysterious deities but none of them really match with the forgotten god. [Note: Last time we heard about unicorns was in episode one and we learned that the last time people saw the great unicorn was the last time the NK showed up.] At the same time, it seems like there are elements of the god in all five of the cultures in the forest. Adaine checks and there’s nothing magic with the book so it’s just the contents of the book that are weird, not the book itself. Kristen thinks there might be a connection to her weird dream about not being able to draw the face of her god. Adaine wonders if Kristen might have been worshipping this unnamed god by mistake. Gorgug wonders if the god is erasing themselves (a theory backed up late when they talk to Aguefort).  

Fig looks for information on cursed gems and (with a 19) she finds a good amount--no surprise in a pirate library. She finds a book called Breaking the Evil Eye in one of the forbidden sections and learns that it could be possible to planeshift into the gem, dispel magic from the inside and get rid of the trap, before breaking the original curse. She finds all of this out after she steals the book (disguised as Rollins). Planeshift is a level 7 spell though so Adaine has a while to go before she can learn it (she gets her first at level 13). 

Gorgug asks the real Rollins for books about cheering up a friend. He’s brought to a small, dusty section of the library. Gorgug rolls a nat 1 on an insight check and thinks that Rollins must be messing with him. Rollins is confused because he super wasn’t. Adaine takes a break and uses this pointless argument borne from misunderstanding to steal his book. Dirty 20. Rollins instantly skelatizes. She hastily puts the book back. He comes back Wrong and in incredible pain. He begs them to take the book out and Gorgug does. Adaine peaces out to finish studying, leaving Gorgug to deal with her mess. Gorgug decides to keep looking at the friendship books. Even on a 5, he finds a secret door into a HUGE friendship library. Guided by his library card, Gorgug finds a book called Cheer Up Me Hearties. When he gets out, Gilear is being accosted for killing Rollins, but Gorgug is able to get them to stand down. Gorgug Thistlespring, winning pirate hearts and minds. They take the book and Rollins’ bones to get him put back together.   

Adaine finishes up as Ayda comes to check on her. Ayda is about to make another quick exit but Adaine tries again to make friends with Ayda, this time by directly asking and offering to let her hold Boggy. Ayda is immediately obsessed with Boggy (and Adaine’s backpack terrarium AND the backpack she makes for him at Ayda’s suggestion) and extremely impressed with Adaine’s spellwork in manifesting Boggy. It’s a very cute scene and Adaine has made a useful ally. Ayda can’t believe she met the two greatest wizards of the age in one day. Wild. 

Everyone regroups to call Aguefort now that Adaine knows Sending. He sends them back some more powerful magic so he can talk for longer than the 25 word response. Think of it as magic Skype. He very casually tells them that Ragh’s house is a smoking crater and his mom is super dead. He takes far too long to follow up with the information that, a long time ago, he hid Lydia’s real body under the school, made a clone of her, and used the Magic Jar spell to basically hook up her consciousness to the clone body (which held a fake demon shard). The clone body is what got destroyed. Lydia’s real body and consciousness are fine. Way to bury the lede dude! Upon being asked, Arthur says that he used to remember the name of the god of the unicorn but he forgot. Suspicious and troubling. He and Fig also renew discussions on the creature she ordered but never paid for. He says the cheapest option is a pentacorn for 30k gold (which sounds like a unicorn w/ 5 horns and pretty useless but I refuse to get dragged into this insanity, I am just the messenger here).

Aguefort leaves to deal with the situation at home. Meanwhile, Gorgug notices smoke again but he also notices that it’s on the wrong side to be related to what happened to Fabian. After giving Fabian and Ragh oranges to prevent scurvy--a tip from the pirate friendship book--he brings it up to Fabian who thinks it’s probably Captain Wicklaw making a power play and they should probably stay out of it. What? says Adaine. Nah, we should fight him. Yeah, says Fig. You deserve revenge! Fabian just wants to lay low so they can get their C+. Adaine is not here for that C+ and she’s not here for Fabian’s concerning attitude shift. None of the Bad Kids are. However, the cast is very here for absolutely roasting Lou for all of his choices by having their respective characters inadvertently reference every bad thing that happened last episode. When Adaine suggests that Fabian might be cursed, Fabian finally haltingly comes out with the entire story (which Lou has to laugh-cry himself through in one of the best scenes of the episode) and everyone interjects with comments that they (out of character) know will just make Fabian’s storytelling even more uncomfortable. It’s a very wild combination of very emotional (in game) but deeply funny (out of game). Like:

Ally (who knows good and well that Chungledown Bim told Fabian he was gonna shit in his mouth): Did Chungledown Bim help you?

Zac (who also knows good and well that Chungledown Bim told Fabian he was gonna shit in his mouth): Chungledown Bim probably saved you.

Murph (yet another person who knows good and well that ChungledownBim told Fabian he was gonna shit in his mouth) You know what we should do? We should go see Chungledown Bim.        

Amazing. 

Fabian finishes his recounting of the 20 car pile-up that was last episode by repeating his earlier opinion that they shouldn’t go after Captain Wicklaw because it will just end with all of them dead. Kristen tries to slap him back to normal and tells him to lose the Gilear energy. Led by Gorgug and Adaine, the gang tells Fabian that being Bill Secaster’s son isn’t the only worthwhile thing about him (in fact, it’s pretty annoying). He’s worthwhile all on his own. Tracker chimes in and says that she thinks Fabian might have some issues with depression so maybe their well intentioned efforts to get Fabian to buck up weren’t the best way to handle things. Adaine and Riz are skeptical that Fabian is like, capital D, Depressed but Tracker sticks by her read on the situation. The group eventually decides to at least check out what’s going on with the smoke but before they arrive, an interlude:

As they walk to Crow’s Keep, Cathilda walks with Fabian and Cathilda starts dropping information about herself and about how her own children died before Fabian was born and about how she sees him as a son--though she’s tried to keep the proper professional distance. She comforts Fabian on his bad day and then her eyes go full Terminator and she mentally buts Wicklaw on her “People I Need to Murder Today” list (more on this later).

When they arrive at the place where the smoke is coming from, they find that the Ramble (kind of a pirate meetinghouse/Courthouse) has been burned down. Jemina Joy is there and she lets them know that Wicklaw asked what was necessary to become the new pirate king. He was told that all he needed to do was get the crown from the former pirate king (because respect for/fear of Bill was the only thing keeping there from being a new king). He just burned down the Ramble to be a dick. Adaine damn near gets her ass beat by Jemina by arguing politics with her (her point being that she wants to install Jemina as Pirate Queen while Jemina is like, “I just keep this place from sinking. Lay off.”) but Riz, mindful of the fact that this is a time sensitive situation, takes off to Gibbety Square where the pirate king’s crown is (and where Wicklaw is headed).

They make it to Brennan’s latest battle mechanic: The Row and the Ruction.

This is the crazy, pirate bicameral legislative system. The Row is a huge fistfight (no weapons allowed--or really they are allowed but everyone will gang up on you if you use them) at ground level. It’s always in session and has been for 150-ish years. Above that, is the Ruction which is a fight with full weapon and magic usage alone. The idea is that you need enough support on the ground in the Row so you can use them to get up in the Ruction. It’s a king of the hill situation up there and if you can hold your position up there for long enough, you can make laws. Got all that? Good. 

They get there just barely after Wicklaw and his men who haven’t yet entered the Row. Wicklaw starts talking mad trash to Fabian but his friends back him up. They give him back his sword, his eye-patch, and Kristen hits him with a Warding Bond (which means that he gets +1 to AC and saving throws if he stays close to her plus resistance to all damage and, more importantly, she takes all the damage he takes). Fig gives everyone Countercharm. And, to top it off, Cathilda shows up with in an all black, super-badass pirate uniform to say she’s gonna feed him his own freaking brains! Let’s goooooooo!

But, Wicklaw has some new allies as well. Three elves bamf in from Falinel (same people who Kristen felt scrying on them earlier) and they’re there to bring Adaine back, and it doesn’t seem like they’re gonna just ask nicely.   

Detention

Adaine for Unnecessary Theft and (Accidentally) Killing a Man 

Adaine was kind of on one this episode. Not only did she inadvertently kill* a man while stealing from him, Adaine also ghosted at the first sign of trouble, leaving Gorgug and Gilear to catch all the flak for her attempt at pulling a Fig. Bad form, girl!

*She probably didn’t technically kill him but she turned him into a skeleton and he called the pain upon reconstitution worse than death so let’s not quibble about the details. 

Honor Roll

Cathilda for Being a Badass Mom 

Oh man, oh man, oh man. 

I’ve low-key been waiting for Cathilda to go full pirate since we learned that was an option and especially since Fabian got attacked because it was a pretty safe bet that was going to be her berserk button and boy did she deliver.

When did she have the time for a costume change? Is she that stealthy? Did she magic it on? Or did she just manifest the outfit on the power of her rage alone?

The scene where she says Wicklaw is gonna pay? Chills. Not only pledging to eat your enemy’s brains but also saying you’re going to feed him his own brains and describing exactly how you’ll serve it? So raw. 

But I also have to shout out the non-murderous mom stuff she did this ep. The little talk she gave Fabian about no one being defined by their worst day was very sweet and good advice out of game too. 

But honorable mention to Gorgug for being an absolute sweetheart all episode. Zac’s improv about pirates giving their friends oranges to prevent scurvy bodied me.  

Random Thoughts

Some very useful posts from @jamiebluewind: Character Descriptions, Location Descriptions, Transcripts of Cathilda’s speeches from this ep. 

During the initial discussion with Collins, we learn that the transmutation exchange rate is 50 Parrots=10 Bananas=1 Gold. How are bananas more complex than parrots?

Adaine: May we steal books?

Her later actions aside, I think it’s funny that Adaine’s first move is basically always to sweetly ask for what she wants and Fig’s first move is, “Gotta steal that book!” Adaine is like the most polite person in the group but also ready to fight 100% of the time. The role reversal in the Jemina scene where Fig was the one who asked an on point question and Adaine was the one who made it almost spiral into an actual fight was great.

I was just saying this re: Harry Potter in a different context but clearly marked but not blocked off forbidden sections of libraries are more a dare than a deterrent. 

Fig as a horned parrot (done by Rollins for trying to steal his book) is adorable. Please somebody draw that.

I love that when they see the bird that turns out to be Ayda and Murph is like, “I don’t think that’s a bird,” Zac is like, “Yeah, Gorgug doesn’t know that.” Zac (like Travis as Grog in CritRole) has a real talent for playing dumb while actually being really smart.

“My principal scammed me?”

Brennan truly did not have to follow through on Aguefort saying he slept with a bird. He really, really did not have to but he was like, “Nope! I said it so it’s happening! This is happening!” I really wish you guys could have seen my face as I realized in real time that the madman was actually doing that. 

Adaine to Fig who thinks Ayda is her creature: This is a full person.

“I like school.”/“You would.”

Lol at Fig trying to draw parallels between Ayda’s prickliness and her own behavior and getting absolutely shut down. “I think people think you’re really tender.” The running thing of Fig’s perception of herself as this standoffish loner being constantly reality checked by literally everyone she knows being like, “You tell us you love us literally every day,” is one of my favorite group dynamics. It’s even funnier because, besides probably Adaine and Fabian, the rest of the Bad Kids probably knew Fig (or at least had seen her around) before she started going through her emo phase. So they totally remember her in 8th grade wearing preppy clothes and carrying a unicorn backpack and listening to Fantasy Taylor Swift and all that.   

All ep they were calling Kalina a cat and I was thinking, “I feel like—in game—that’s gotta be offensive.” And then Aguefort straight said it. Wild for it to come from him since he’s the craziest person ever but I’m glad it came up.

“You seem simple to me.”/“Thank God.”

Aww at Ayda asking if Aguefort ever talks about her. Brennan, you gotta stop putting little emotional traps into otherwise funny scenes. I can only handle so much!

The gang did some experimentation with the photo in this ep with these results: Ayda and Aguefort both couldn’t see Kalina in the picture. They also took a picture of the picture but that picture had the same properties as the original picture. Weeping Angel rules I guess. 

There’s speculation in this episode about why Riz isn’t having nightmares. I have another question kinda on that topic. In episode 2/3, we see the lie/mirror/Baron thing that happened with Riz. And that was for sure super nightmarish. But it doesn’t match what happened to Adaine and Fabian. Both of them seem to have had more ephemeral experiences that quickly vanished. And they weren’t borne from lies so much as fears. Riz’s monster came from a direct lie and it didn’t seem to be a nightmare. It came out of the mirror and attacked not only him but his friends later. No one saw Fabian or Adaine’s nightmares besides them (although, that could just be because they got away). And no other lie-monsters have showed up as far as we know. I’m just wondering if there’s maybe something else going on or if it was a different NK follower who did that or just a different power of the same dude. Just something I wanted to note because it’s been bugging me a little and no one’s brought it up yet. 

Cool quirk of the sending spell Adaine learned: Because it was modified by pirates, curse words don’t count towards the 25 word limit. What I immediately thought (and what Aguefort actually ended up doing more or less) was that you could easily send very long messages with, say, Morse code. Just designate one curse as a dot, one as a dash, and one as a space, and you’re good to go. It’d be slow, but totally workable. 

Also, after watching Laura as Jester absolutely flying by the seat of her pants with every sending spell, it was wild to see the group take the time to carefully craft the perfect message. 

I said two recaps ago that I wouldn’t be surprised if Gorgug multiclassed into a casting class soon and boy do I hope this episode means he’s gonna do it for real. Adaine’s total disbelief at Ayda’s interest in Gorgug’s wizarding potential was sending me.

Oh also. Ayda has forbidden Gorgug from reading any wizarding books so he doesn’t lose is totally uncomplicated mind. I guess he’s supposed to learn everything the savant way? Imagine Adaine diligently studying her wizard books, trying to master some complicated spell and Gorgug is like, “I woke up and I guess I can use Mage Hand now? Neat.” Absolutely maddening. 

Besides Cathilda, Gorgug was the MVP in this episode. Dude has a knack for making friends that I think will eventually pay dividends. 

Also, speaking of, everything Brennan said during the secret shelf section was so good as to sound planned, however, how could you predict that that was a thing a player was going to ask to find? Brennan is just always 7 seconds of prep time away from giving an elaborate and super specifically themed speech about friendship I guess.  

Big ups to Kristen for not letting Fabian go off by himself again. Like, for the sake of the party of course but also the, “We almost lost you,” was sweet. She also helped buff him going into the coming fight with Warding Bond that means she takes all the damage he takes. I am SO glad they brought another healer with them because that’s such a risky move. Kristen is a LOT but she’s also very ride or die and all heart. I really love that the last time she used this spell it was on Gilear for a joke and now it’s getting used seriously. It’s a perfect establish existence of power to audience/bring back at plot relevant time setup. Improv storytelling is so inexplicably good. 

Technically, to cast Warding Bond, you’re supposed to have matching rings with the person you’re casting it on so imagine Kristen blinged out with a ring for each party member and each of them having a corresponding one in case she needs to cast it on them.  

Little bit concerned that Tracker still doesn’t know about Sandra-Lynn/Garthy. The longer it takes for her to find out, the higher the chance it blows up and becomes a Thing.

Fig: *Meandering philosophical question about why Ayda watches the stars*/Ayda: I study it so I can know where this big city is floating.

RIP to the Hangman. I don’t think he’s gone for good but it seems like he is for now. On my first watch, I thought that, on a 1, Fabian just fully thinks that the Hangman is gone but, the second time it seemed more like he’s just dead. Now, I’m not Brennan, but if I was in this situation, you know what I would do? I would have someone save the Hangman’s soul (or whatever he has instead of a soul) and store it in the Hangvan temporarily. Imagine how much he’d hate that. It’s full of potential for “roommate” shenanigans. 

Is there anything stopping them from just, ramming the Row with the Hangvan? Like, I know it’ll get them ganged up on, but will they be able to do much against a full van?

Also, if/when they hold the Ruction, I wonder what law they’re going to try and make. They didn’t really go in with a plan (understandable under the time pressure) so they’re really gonna have to improvise something on the fly. 

Also, I’m assuming Fabian stabbed the Hangman while he was asleep? I don’t think we were ever shown that scene, but Fabian must have been under some kind of compulsion since he woke up in the river (and the same happened to Ragh). 

Aguefort casually mentions that he has many children and this episode proves that Brennan can and will back up every single crazy thing that comes out of his mouth, so I’m excited to see if there is a single Aguefort out there that isn’t crazy.

Oh, also, the acknowledgement that occasionally that phoenix is a child is appreciated because that was def a question I was going to ask. Squicky to say the least but I guess that’s how phoenixes work so what are you gonna do?

Ally needing to roll a 10, rolling, being happy, checking Kristen’s modifier, and realizing it’s a negative 3 for a total of 9 is peak D&D.

Fig as Rollins: Look at how fast I can run!

I love Fig thinking Adaine could plausibly have 7 level spells. She’s like, idk bro. She’s the eleven oracle. She cares about school. She could know this too. Who knows? Certainly not Fig who thought she could buy wizard spells to use as a bard.

“Please speak more enthusiastically on my behalf.”

“It’s my brain guys.”

Fig mind controls Gilear into believing in himself and he fails his save. I wonder if this is could be valid therapy technique in this world. 

Aguefort mentions that a Wish spell can destroy a Magic Jar just fyi. That makes 3 pretty high level spells mentioned in this ep. Magic Jar is 6th level. Planeshift is 7th level. And Wish, basically the strongest spell in the game, is 9th level. We’re starting to deal with some serious magical mojo.

The whole thing with people in pictures that not everyone can see and memories that you know you once had but don’t anymore and information that should exist but doesn’t is hitting a very specific storytelling sweet spot for me. 

This is a little meta-gamey to be thinking about but I’m kinda wondering, why sideline Gorthalax? Obviously, it’s a good plot hook for Fig and that might be all it is. But I’m lowkey wondering is there something Gorthalax knows or can do that would solve the plot in 30 seconds if he was around? Like, was he roommates with the Nightmare King in hell or something?

Kristen finds it weird that the god’s name isn’t written anywhere but I’m sure that’s gotta be fairly common. Or at least not unheard of. Like, I know in Judaism you’re not supposed to do that. Anyway, watch the great unicorn be the Nightmare King just for the Nightmare/Night Mare pun.

Adaine being on brand no matter the situation: Everybody shut up I have to do my homework!

The, “Do you want a friend?”/“Desperately.” interaction killed me. 

“I don’t have any wizard friends.”/“I’m a wizard.”/(beat)/“I don’t have any wizard friends.”

Arthur cloned a woman, forgot to tell her, and then straight forgot. So business as usual from him. 

Fabian’s, “Nooooooo,” with the rising intonation every time someone made an assumption during his story and he had to correct him was amazing. Also, “He told me he was going to shit in my mouuuuwth.”

Ragh, Fig, and Adaine all crying about their parental issues at the same time. This has been, like, the longest week ever. I wonder if the 7 Maidens are unpacking this much trauma on their quest.

“Absolutely timbered.”

Lol at Brennan dropping the cool pirate sending spell “curses don’t count” detail and then being told from off camera that he needs to keep it PG-13. But then Cathilda needed to go beast mode so, like, what can you do?

Another cool worldbuilding detail is pirate clerics just keep shrines to every deity they’ve come into contact with to hedge their bets like Beni from The Mummy.

I know Lydia was attacked on orders from Kalina but I wonder if they knew about/had plans for the demon shard too. 

When Emily said she disguised herself as Rollins, I fully thought she was going to walk out the door the real Rollins was guarding and not go out the back door like she did. The idea of a back door didn’t even occur to me. I just thought we were in for some classic Axford insanity. 

Riz: You’ve gotta get better at talking to kids.

Riz: This is real Gilear energy.

Kristen: We brought one Gilear. We don’t wanna make that mistake twice.

Everything that happened with Fabian was really funny because there’s nothing I love more in D&D than players having a good time dunking on each other but, in game, Fabian is really going through it. Fabian low key has mom friend energy so to almost die and then for all of his friends to jump into the exact fight that almost killed him (including taunting the dude! Adaine!) against his advice must be giving him a level of anxiety and dread that I don’t even have the words to describe. Like, now is not the time for him to digging into that because things are life or death. Gotta save your life before you can fix it. But he def needs to at some point. Too bad Jawbone’s not around for a quick mid-battle therapy sesh like he had with Adaine during prom.   

Tracker suggested that Fabian might be depressed. I’m not an expert on depression. He could be depressed and, in any case, he definitely needs to see a therapist for a Lot of reasons. But having a breakdown because you saw 14 people die, almost died yourself, and were told that a man wanted to shit in your mouth less than 24 hours ago seems less like a sign of depression and more like the only rational human reaction.

Adaine calls the above, “a vaguely mediocre day”. Michael Scott Voice: Adaine you ignorant slut.

Also Adaine: You got that bike because you won it fair and square because we killed a lot of people.

This is the second time Adaine has said that Fabian’s lineage is actually the most annoying thing about him and these are the kind of tiny continuity details I live for.

Semi-relatedly, Fabian’s relationship with his parents v. Adaine’s relationship with hers is endlessly fascinating to me. Because they have such similar backgrounds but coming from, like, opposite directions of the same spectrum, you know? Can’t wait for those sweet, sweet parallels as we jump into her trauma! (What is D&D but group therapy interspaced with murder?)  

Speaking of Adaine’s trauma, it looks like we’ll be getting to it very soon as those FBI Falinel operatives have shown up to force her (and the plot) back to Falinel. This is Concerning to me for two reasons. First off, remember the Aelwyn fight from season 1? Remember how annoying that was? Now imagine that times three and also 2 separate pirate brawls are happening. That sounds like a Bad Time for our kids. They’ve leveled up some and they’ve been known to make some very clutch battle decisions, but this is gonna be tough any way you slice it. This is like two entirely separate encounters at the same time. A small good point: I looked up the language for teleportation and it can only be used to transport a willing creature. So they can’t just bum rush her and poof out. But they could give her an ultimatum to make her agree. The second reason this Concerns me is that Adaine high key doesn’t want to work with/for Falinel and they know this. The fact that they’ve resorted to kidnapping (fun international law fact: when a government kidnaps someone, it’s called rendition) tells me that they’re done playing nice which opens up two options to them they might not have otherwise used. They could coerce Adaine’s consent to be their oracle by threatening her life/her friends’ lives. Or, more troubling, they could just kill her. I mean, she became the elven oracle when the old one died, right? So, if she died, someone else would get the job. Probably someone less troublesome to deal with. I doubt they’re gonna go straight for that because they seem to want her alive, at least for now. But it is a concern. 

Of course, we’re assuming that what’s happening on the face of this is the whole story, but that’s not necessarily true. Iirc, all we heard was that they found the oracle and they were gonna bring her back to Falinel. For all we know, the elves could be working for Adaine’s mom. Of Adaine’s mom could be working with Falinel. Or she could be working with Falinel just as a way to get to her daughter. We really don’t know. The last person on this show that got kidnapped was Fabian and that was a friendly kidnapping. Anything is possible. 

Something that struck me as a possibility: This fight seems like it’s gonna suck. There is a world where the ideal move for Adaine is to pull an Evy (from the Mummy--two Mummy refs in one recap, did not plan that, I just love the Mummy) and agree to go with the Falinel elves if they help them instead (or at least stop helping Wicklaw) with the faith that her friends will come rescue her. I doubt they actually care much about what happens in the government of this pirate junk city. I’m curious about how they ended up together anyway. I’m guessing the elves clued into what was going on while scrying on the group and decided an alliance might be useful.

Brennan about both Ally’s Applebees Reference and Fig using a Leviathan phonebook: That is nothing.

Shoutout to Fruzzinoid in the chat who said Ally’s alignment is chaotic-chaotic. Accurate.

I love the laughing-squawk that Brennan does for Ayda as much as I hate the fact that he made the Choice to spell it that way.

Truly, the entire scene where Lou is recapping the fight from last episode and he’s laughing uncontrollably but Fabian is clearly crying and he’s expressing both of those things simultaneously is beautiful. 

A Fabian line that really hit but that I haven’t mentioned yet: “I probably have one follower running around. Never mind he’s my father’s just like everything else I have.” Ow. Such a deep cut but so off the cuff from Lou. As a writer, this show makes me so mad because that’s such a good line of dialogue that Lou just dropped out of his mouth like it was nothing. How dare he? 

Another good line I didn’t mention before, this tie from Riz: “We all draw strength from each other. You went in without your crew. What’s a pirate without his crew?” Ugh, Murph. Who gave you the right?

This episode has made me extremely curious about what Cathilda thinks about Hilariel. Because she sees herself as Fabian’s mom--which she essentially has been in a lot of the ways that count since Hilariel has been mentally out to lunch for the past however many years. To be clear, I do think Hilariel loves Fabian. She just hasn’t really been present even though she’s been literally present. The way Cathilda phrased some of the things she said and the way she seems to talk about Fabian’s dad so much more than his mom makes me wonder if she doesn’t...resent isn’t the right word exactly. Maybe, disapprove? It makes me wonder if she doesn’t disapprove of Hilariel’s parenting choices more than she lets on. 

Kristen’s, “Do you listen to music?” in the middle of actually useful questions for Ayda. 

Rich people sicknesses include having eaten too much caviar or smoked a cigar for too long in case you’re wondering.

“You want an orange, pal?”

On a practical note, we have two more episodes to go until the show breaks for the year so prepare yourselves from now people!

Riz, Adaine, and Gorgug each rolled one Nat 20 apiece. Fig, Gorgug, and Adaine each rolled a Nat 1 (but Adaine presumably cancelled out hers rolling with advantage because of Boggy). Fabian, who is still living his worst life, rolled three Nat 1s. Tragic.  

[unconventionalmuslim]

'Coming out', Surah Maryam and the future of our community.

Hey everyone! Most of you probably don’t know me because I hardly post, but I’m Adam and I’ve been around the tumblrsphere for about 4/5 years now. I was most active between 2013 and 2014, but since then you can usually find me floating about in the twitterverse.

I’m writing this short post as a homage to my past self and for everyone that is LGBT*+ and Muslim that isn’t ‘out’ yet or otherwise. For many of us ‘coming out’ is not only a daunting task, but something that can be inconceivable due to the socio-cultural and religious environments that we find ourselves. When I first found myself in the world of tumblr, my terrified twenty two year old self (yes I’m an old one according to tumblr standards) couldn’t conceive of ever coming out because I had hardly an idea of who I was, what I was or where my life would be headed. I spoke to and met some amazing people on tumblr (who I wish I was still in contact with - if you recognise me say hey!) that helped to turn the internal cogs for self-exploration: an age of exploration shall we say! Since 2014, I’ve learnt so much from some amazing people who I found in the world that, privileged to call my dearest friends and I’m rapidly coming to a cross roads where I will need to ‘come out’ officially in order to push the trajectory of life in the direction I’m choosing. However, coming out will not only change my life (eventually for the better) but it will be at the cost of many heartbreaks, sever of familial ties and ostracism from the community that I grew up in. This is not a situation that is exclusive to myself but rather it is a traumatic and life changing chapter in all LGBT*+ Muslims should they choose to do it.

‘Coming out’ should always be a choice and not an eventuality that everyone should be held to, (quite different from the western standard). For LGBT+ Muslims, coming out is an extremely traumatic and often forced endeavour. Many LGBT*+ Muslims that I’ve spoken to are not ‘out’ so to speak and prefer it that way for a reasons of safety, financial security, familial convenience, to name a few. For me, specifically, coming out has an end game. It would be unlikely for me to ‘come out’ to a community so deeply entrenched in homophobia if there was no practical element to it. Coming out will allow me to live the life that I envision for myself. I’m also not supposing that ‘coming out’ is some wonder drug that will allow me to live my life as soon as I do so. It will still be a long and tough process, but ‘coming out’ will ‘light the match’ to that process, so to speak. May Allah grant me patience, Ameen.

Where is Allah in all of this? I seemed to have neglected the ‘Muslim’ half of the ‘LGBT*+ Muslim’ phrase, but Allah is to always play a prominent part in my life, without them* I don’t know if I would’ve come to the eventuality I have.

It’s difficult for LGBT*+ people that come from a Muslim background to stay connected with their faith (even if they were in the past). It is not for a lack of internalised-faith (Imaan) but a lack of faith with the religious institutions that constantly gate keep who is and who is not ‘true’, ‘pious’, ‘good’ Muslim. It’s hard, but all of us LGBT or not, need to disconnect a caricature of Imaan (Beard, thobes, hijab, niqab etc) with ‘true’ Imaan that cannot be seen, heard, or felt by others. Despite the prophet* having warned us against such false advertising, we play no heed as such standards are deeply embedded within the psyche of most. ‘But are they right?’ I hear you say. ‘Is being LGBT*+ a sin?’ I don’t want to answer either yes or no, because it is not for me to judge what is and what is not a sin, but what I will leave you with is this. We view a ‘sin’ as a purely religious currency, but we often fail to take into account the socio-political environment that gives birth to the idea of sin. Sinning isn’t necessarily against God (many would argue it is not at all) but against an established social, political and cultural norm that may tear down the fabric of the current order if continued. To give a brief example, Islam is often viewed as a misogynistic and patriarchal religion that gives women few (if any real) and men too many rights, but I would (and could) argue against a patriarchal and misogynist interpretation of Islam. At the ‘founding’ of Islam over 1400 years ago, women were given exceptional rights at the time and was seen as giving women too many rights by non-Muslim contemporaries. Islam put an end to female infanticide (surah Takwir), restored the rights of women who were slain without evidence (surah Noor) and gave women positions of power equal to men (surah Maryam as well as other narrations).

One of my upmost favourite surahs in the Qur’an is Surah Maryam and the verse that often drops me in tears is when a cradled Prophet Jesus speaks out with authority and justice to defend the moral integrity of his mother, Mary.

‘Then she brought him to her people, carrying him. They said, “O Mary, you have certainly done a thing unprecedented. O sister of Aaron, your father was not a man of evil, nor was your mother unchaste.” So she pointed to him [Jesus]. They said, “How can we speak to one who is in the cradle a child?” [Jesus] said, “Indeed, I am the servant of Allah. He has given me the Scripture and made me a prophet. And He has made me blessed wherever I am and has enjoined upon me prayer and zakah as long as I remain alive And [made me] dutiful to my mother, and He has not made me a wretched tyrant. And peace is on me the day I was born and the day I will die and the day I am raised alive.”’

Qur’an (19:27-33)

I view these series of verses in context to my own struggles as an LGBT*+ Muslim: we are Maryam, in the sense that we are not only misunderstood but we are at a social disadvantage being LGBT*+ being thrown accusation left, right and centre about our ‘sinful lifestyle’ ‘dedication to God’ and our character as ‘unchaste’. Jesus is anyone that will speak up for us and speak the truth of our truth without prejudice, malignment or agendas that seek to silence us. The Religious elite at the time of Jesus were extremely corrupt, just as much as OUR religious elite is now extremely corrupt as well.

So what is the future of the LGBT*+ Muslim community and the Muslim community in general? Is there an acceptance on the horizon? A full and wide acceptance is probably not coming anytime soon, but what there is now, which there hasn’t been in the preceding decades, is a conversation of our existence. That is progress, given that we were erased from the social fabric of the Muslim community. Also, are we ‘waiting’ for a roll model like Jesus in this narrative to take the hilt for our rights and inclusion in the community? Perhaps maybe even waiting for Jesus himself? These are questions that I have no clear answers to, but are worth pondering over as we move into times that are becoming increasingly unpredictable…

As we are now in the last ten nights of Ramadhan and if you are going to pray as an LGBT*+ Muslim, pray with the peace of mind that Allah knows you better than you know yourself and that everything in the universe is his creation, that includes you! i pray that Allah grants the Muslim community Hidayah to not turn a blind eye to those that are pushed on the fringes of Islamic society and that a concerted effort is made to interpret Islam fairly for those that have been, for too long, feeling the torment and trauma by their own.

[thefilmfatale]

HIDDEN FIGURES (2016) 

There’s something about biopics and “untold true stories” in general that make me skeptical. Maybe it’s the air of weightiness that comes with adapting a story based on real events and characters, that sense of obligation to do right by them. Perhaps it’s the expectation that something new and revelatory will be told with cinema as the medium. Maybe it’s because films in this genre usually become shoo-ins (shoos-in?) during awards season, just like anyone who takes their clothes off or cries a lot automatically becomes an Oscar nominee. So going into Hidden Figures, I confess I had reservations. But, since I loved the premise of the movie and adored the cast, I was compelled to see it in theaters. A story about the unsung black heroines of NASA, an organization notorious for being a WASPy sausagefest - yeah, count me in.

The film stars Taraji P. Henson, Octavia Spencer, and Janelle Monàe as three of NASA’s finest minds who literally helped propel men to the moon. Henson plays Katherine Johnson, a mathematical prodigy who was instrumental in calculating the launch and landing trajectories of NASA’s shuttles. Spencer is Dorothy Vaughan, a pioneer in the computing world. And Monàe is Mary Jackson, the first black, female aeronautical engineer. Hidden Figures tells the story of these prolific women - a story of perseverance in a male-dominated field and a segregated society. It’s an untold true story all right, but it’s one that understandably carries tremendous weight, especially in light of #OscarsSoWhite and the Black Lives Matter movement. In short, it’s a film that couldn’t be more relevant. 

Hidden Figures has an interesting story, in no small part due to its characters being so different and the actresses who portray them being charming and captivating. But what makes Hidden Figures uniquely fascinating is its invitation to observe the inner workings of an organization usually known for its political agnosticism. The film asks the question: in a climate of racial tension and Cold War paranoia, how does an organization like NASA take a stand? It’s a question that is especially relevant, considering the current political climate in the United States and reports of government agencies gone rogue in protest of gag orders from Donald Trump’s dictatorial regime. NASA’s single-mindedness in its focus to win the space race paved the way for illumination on social issues such as racism and sexism. In the quest for science and achievement, it seemed counter to NASA’s mission to disadvantage the brightest minds in the country because of outdated, bigoted government regulations. So instead of holding back these bright black women, they uplifted them, radically going against conventions in the name of scientific conquest. However, it does bring up the point that organizations will sometimes only make the right choice if it affects their bottom line. Because NASA’s existence was dependent on their continued success (and as such, their need to employ the best and the brightest no matter their gender or skin color), it makes you wonder whether theirs was merely an act of self-preservation and not entirely altruistic. But perhaps the lesson here is that it was a small step for civil rights that ultimately became a giant leap for mankind.   

It was also fascinating to see the struggles of these women of color in a field as progressive as science. We’ve never heard their stories before, and to see them play out on screen was enlightening. As someone who didn’t grow up with US history and wasn’t as exposed to the country’s past with slavery, I was genuinely taken aback by the examples of racism that the film chose to highlight. For instance, it never occurs to us that in a place as prestigious and progressive as NASA, black women had to worry about something as quotidian as going to the bathroom. It was poignant, heartbreaking, and extremely effective at painting the picture of a segregated society that deemed black folk as second class citizens. There was also a scene where Henson’s Katherine Johnson, who was the only black woman in NASA’s Space Task Group, goes to get a cup of coffee and realizes that she has been given a separate coffee pot labeled “colored”, only because her ogling, white male colleagues were too disgusted by the idea of sharing a coffeepot with a negro. Watching those uniquely black experiences unfold on screen was insightful and evocative, really emphasizing the ugliness of the prejudice they were constantly subjected to.

Another interesting aspect of the film - and this was a lot more subtle - was its exploration of the ways in which minorities resist when they are being marginalized. Some say that the women in the film were able to advance because of pure, old-fashioned meritocracy. Their protest was to be exemplary in their field. This is the stance of many people in various industries when it comes to tackling issues of race and discrimination. Instead of Affirmative Action, these POCs think they should instead pursue roles where they are highly visible and clearly successful, in order to pave the way for more acceptance and appreciation for diversity in the workplace. On the other hand, there are those who believe that equal treatment must be demanded persistently. Octavia Spencer’s Dorothy Vaughan, for example, repeatedly asks her white female superior (played by Kirsten Dunst) about a promotion that she is certain she is being denied because of the color of her skin, a sentiment she never expresses to her superior’s face precisely because an accusation of blatant discrimination could torpedo her career. Mary Jackson’s husband brings up the need to get out in the streets, protest and be angry and vigilant. The film does a great job talking about these different types of protest, something I’m sure many POCs could relate to, as these are familiar discussions they likely have within their own communities.  

Another subtle issue that the film addresses: intersectionality. We see the tensions between Kirsten Dunst’s character and Octavia Spencer’s, which is meant to be representative of the rifts in the feminist movement about inclusivity. There is an exchange between the two characters where Dunst, after having treated Spencer’s character demeaningly for years, says “I have nothing against y’all.” To which Spencer’s Vaughan replies, “I know. I know you probably believe that.” This was a very interesting choice of words. It deliberately highlights the lack of understanding that many in the feminist movement have when it comes to privilege, specifically white female privilege (there are varying degrees of this, of course - those of Asian descent, for instance, enjoy a privilege that those of Latino descent do not). Dunst’s character is likely all about female empowerment, but when it comes to elevating black women, does not feel that this advantages her, so she is by default against it. This is an issue that continues to play out today, unfortunately. Just look at the Fisher vs the University of Texas case, where a white woman argues against affirmative action because she believes it advances POCs, as if she herself has not benefited from some level of affirmative action for being a woman. So in a subtle way, Hidden Figures confronts this problem by emphasizing that elevating women of color advantages all women.  

I also really liked that the film touched on the idea of obsolescence in the workforce because of the advent of machines. I was amazed when I realized that before the personal machine computer, “computers” were just people doing manual calculations for the most amazing things. There is a scene in the film where NASA receives their first IBM machine and they don’t quite know what to do with it. It was amusing to see the brightest minds in the country completely flummoxed by this bulky, ugly hunk of metal. But at the same time, the idea that there was this machine that could sift through data faster than the human brain…it was a reasonable and understandable threat to the women who were doing these manual calculations, a threat that is increasingly relevant in our age of automation, drones and the prospect of self-driving cars.   

The film comes with some expected exaggerations; for example, a scene featuring Kevin Costner’s Al Harrison - leader of NASA’s Space Task Group - destroying a “Colored Women’s Bathroom” sign in a loud, grand gesture of allyship with his black, female subordinates, was a bit cringeworthy and heavy handed. It did raise the point, however, that allyship is important and that there are no struggles out there that marginalized groups can take on all on their own. I do wish that the antagonists in the film were a little more interesting than being mere sneering naysayers, which was essentially all of what Jim Parsons did in the role of Katherine’s smug and entitled boss.  

It’s not unusual for biopics to take some liberties in their storytelling, but sometimes the extent to which a particular message is driven home can be tiresome. The writing in this film wasn’t exceptional, and there were several lines that made my eyes roll in the back of my head (”In NASA, we all pee the same color” - ugh). There was also the repeated aphorism “That’s just the way things are,” which failed to be emphatic after the nth time it was uttered. The way the romances were set up also seemed to be afterthoughts. I wanted a little bit more from Mahershala Ali’s character, and I wanted to see more tension in Mary Jackson’s marriage because of the role reversal of her being the breadwinner for her family. Finally, my last complaint is the music. While I like Pharrell, it really wasn’t necessary to have several of his songs featured prominently in the film in lieu of a traditional score. Some of the songs took me out of the film because they were distracting or didn’t quite fit with the scenes they were accompanying.

At the end of the day, these are but quibbles, and I was thoroughly entertained by Hidden Figures. While it was formulaic (and somewhat cheesy) in the way we’ve grown accustomed to in biopics, its subject matter is inherently groundbreaking, making it enjoyable to watch. Taraji P. Henson was her usual flawless self in the film, and her exasperated, indignant outburst towards the end of the film is a truly memorable, applause-worthy moment. 

[freakypumpkin]

BlindSpot Chapter 6

Orphanage AU: Magnus has lived there since he'd been nine years old, and now one year before he has to leave the Institute, a new kid comes along. Alec Lightwood hates orphanages, hates foster families. He just wants to be left alone with his anger at the world. Two worlds clash like thunder and lightning and both guys are in for an interesting year.

On Ao3

On FF.net

Beta’d by @warlocksass​ (thank you, again), remaining mistakes and confusing metaphors are mine.

Sidenote: In this universe, Valentine and Jocelyn dated, broke up, Clary is Jocelyn’s and Luke’s daughter, Jace is Valentine’s son with another woman, no relation, whatsoever.

Ch6: It’s rain and wind and everything in between

Alec and Jace had met on the street, both on their own escape route and both not looking where they were going, which ended with them running into each other, literally. Jace had been running from a single father, that got way too obsessed with his ex. Alec had been running from a foster father, who was way too obsessed with the idea of heterosexuality, so it was instantly easy for them to bond over terrible father figures and the desire to get something to eat. With their stomachs full with lukewarm noodles and a discussion about right and wrong and soy sauce later, they’d decided to become friends and that’s how everything had started.

They had gotten separated several times, but their first goal had always been to get back to each other, no matter which orphanage they were brought to and which foster family they ended up in. Jace never gave his real name because he technically wasn’t an orphan which had turned into a fun game of ‚Guess who am I today?‘ and they started trying to get away with the weirdest names, if only to annoy the hell out of advisors across the board.

As they now helped Jace climbing through the window, which was aided by their blanket and constantly commentated by Magnus’ grumbling in the background, Alec was reminded of that one time they’d climbed the roof of a garage to escape a very persistent dog. He felt guilt growing in his chest at not having tried harder to look for Jace, to get out of this orphanage like he’d done it before quite a number of times. When Jace reached the windowsill, he remained there for a few moments, his eyes trying to get used to the dark room and himself trying to properly finding his balance on said windowsill. His blond hair was a mess, his cheeks were red from the cold air outside, but his eyes were shining and awake and Alec realized how much he had missed him.

They looked at each other for a few silent moments, both uttering a silent „Hey“ and the next thing, Alec knew was Jace throwing himself at him, causing to almost fall off the bed. Magnus was the one, that actually fell, but for now Alec was just busy hugging his best friend the best he could with one hand because Magnus’ departure from the bed, also reminded him painfully of the handcuffs tying them together.  

“God, I’m so happy, you are alive and fine and well and everything, Alec.“ Jace pressed a kiss to the side of Alec’s head and sat back up again, grinning down at him wide and bright like the moon outside. “Now tell me, why you didn’t at least try to get a message through to me, while being here, you asshole?“ The grin didn’t waver and Alec felt his own lips stretching into one.

“What? I thought, you loved the sense of adventure?”, he responded mockingly.

Jace threw his head back dramatically. “Of course, I do, but only with you by my side, loyal knight, and not when it’s about finding your lazy ass in the middle of nowhere.“ A familiar warmth pooled in Alec’s chest and long lost laughter bubbled in his throat, but the moment they were having, was cut short by Magnus discreetly clearing his throat, while the glare he sent Jace was anything but discreet, Alec noted when he turned his head to his new roommate and handcuff-friend.

“I hate to interrupt your reunion, but could you maybe move your asses a bit, so I can get at least get back on the bed and we close the window and … you know, discuss whatever this is.“ His glare turned into exasperation as Jace ended up just looking at him with raised eyebrows and Alec almost expected Magnus to start hissing, like an annoyed cat, that got petted one too many times. But then Jace’ gaze wandered down from Magnus’ face to his outstretched arm and eventually landing on the handcuffs connecting him and Alec. Alec could almost hear the gears in his head turning as he understood why Magnus was still sitting next to the bed in a rather awkward way, instead of getting up and doing something about his position.

“Did I interrupt something?“, Jace whispered at Alec without taking his eyes off the handcuffs. „If so, I’m super sorry about that.“ He looked back up at Magnus, trying his most understanding smile. “Should I maybe wait in the hallway? Or next door? I really don’t want to climb back down …“ Turning back at Alec, he added: “The next bus arrives in about two hours, so maybe just keep that in mind.“

Alec was pretty sure, that Magnus was close to jumping Jace and strangling him. He chalked it up, that Magnus hadn’t done so yet, to the late hour and the fact, that more noise would raise the risk of waking up others downstairs.

Magnus hissed “There’s nothing going on here apart from you disturbing my sleep.“ at the same time, that Alec smacked Jace’ thigh, signaling him to get his ass off of him. Jace did, though not taking his eyes off Magnus as the other climbed back on the bed, definitely jerking on the handcuffs in the process more than what was absolutely necessary, but for once Alec didn’t comment on it. He simply smiled and yanked at them once, when he sat up himself, making Magnus sway sideways and earning a deathglare himself. The other might have been an early riser, but that only made him twice as murderous during the night, when he wasn’t allowed to sleep. Alec noted that as one of many points in his survival guide for the future.

“Jace, this is Magnus“, Alec explained pointing at the most accurate impersonation of the words ‘bad mood‘ he had seen in a while. “Magnus, this is Jace. No killing, I like him and already being handcuffed does not help, when I’ll try to convince the police of my innocence.“

Magnus raised one eyebrow as he slowly turned his head to look at Alec. “Why should I care for either of those things?“

“Because deep down you are a good person,“ Alec responded with a confidence, that surprised himself probably more than it impressed Magnus based on his still murderous glare. Eventually  Alec just rolled his eyes and yanked at the hand, that made the handcuffs jingle. “Come on, you survived being around me the whole time-“

“Yes,“ Magnus exclaimed, throwing his hands in the air, which dragged Alec’s hand along with them. “But now there’s apparently two of you.“

“Oh, you want me handcuffed, too?“ Jace chimed in and Alec instantly yelled “Not happening! It’s tough enough to have him around the whole time!“ while pointing at Magnus, wo which Magnus sent him an affronted look that Alec straight up ignored.

“Excuse me? If you hadn’t tried to jump out of the window, we wouldn’t even be in this situation right now, okay? And if anybody needs compensation for this situation, it is me, don’t you think?“

“What do you mean by that?“ Alec eventually gave in and looked back at Magnus, very aware of the growing interest on Jace’ face.

“Since our relationship started, I was pushed down stairs, head-butted, left in the rain-“

“You liked the rain.“

“Not the point, pretty boy.“

During their heated exchange, Alec and Magnus had gotten closer and closer, so their noses were touching and if looks could kill, they’d both be piles of ashes by now. Both pressed their lips into thin lines and just kept staring at each other angrily. There was a shift in the mood at this point. Something in the air grew tense and cold. After a few more moments, Magnus’ eyes flitted from Alec to Jace and back again. An expression, which Alec couldn’t quite read moved across the other’s face before he leaned back, all calm and collected and with a perfect mask back in place.

“He is the reason, you wanted to leave so desperately, right?“ His words had edges, that Alec wasn’t used from Magnus. He always had a sharp tongue, he could yell and be dangerously calm, but this was different.

“Yes,“ Alec whispered and he was surprised at the softness of his own voice. He felt tired and empty, everything that had lit his nerves on fire just moments ago was gone, too far away to reach. They had promised to always keep looking for each other, to never forget, that whenever they weren’t with each other, one of them was walking the streets on their own. It was even a promise sworn with blood, because they made it after Alec had that unfortunate confrontation with that knife in an alleyway. When you were alone on the street, you were at an disadvantage, like in the ocean, like in the wild. If you weren’t a predator big enough, dangerous enough, you were screwed, most of the time. One of the few chances you had to survive were to team up with those you could trust.

Alec wondered if he had broken that promise to Jace by staying at the orphanage, by not trying to break those handcuffs or by not throwing that soap the other day. Jace didn’t seem that upset though, he’d have to ask him at a later point, but as he was looking at Magnus, Alec felt like something else had been broken this night. He only saw shards of it, but couldn’t put them back together because he had no idea what it had been before or if he even had been the one to break it.  

“So, what are you two geniuses expecting to do outside then? After this? I mean, you-“ He pointed half-heartedly at Jace. “You came here to get Alec out, right? To save him, get on the bus and then what?“ Magnus’ eyes were tired. It was late and Alec felt exhaustion gnawing on his own bones.

“Survive together,“ Jace replied with heartbreaking simplicity. “We always do. And some day, we will find a place, where we can stay. Maybe tomorrow, maybe in a week, maybe in two years from now.“ Words Alec knew so well, he could loose everything else, he wouldn’t forget them.

The street was a cruel teacher. If you had bad luck, a week outside could bring you to your breaking point more than once, or close to it. To survive, you couldn’t break, you weren’t allowed to break, because if you did, the street would swallow you whole and leave nothing behind. So you set a goal and make it your core, cling to it, when everything else would go dark, never let go, and you could always manage to come out on the other side, especially, when you had somebody by your side to pull you through.

“But what’s wrong with staying here, until you found a place in the world?“ Something shone through in Magnus’ words, that made Alec look at him, really look, Something shone through that mask, he’d put up earlier, something had made it brittle and flaky.

“Orphanages are bad places for us,“ Jace said like it was obvious and Alec realized, that it was - for them. Jace could only stay at one until the staff figured out, he hadn’t given them his real name and Alec attracted problems like a mad magnet, not helped by the fact, that he had that type of looks, that made people go ‘Awwwww‘ in the most inopportune situations. They never worked, when he actually needed them to work in his favor and Alec often felt personally offended by his own reflection due to that.

“This is not a bad place.“ If he had had the opportunity, Alec was sure, Magnus would have crossed his arms like a stubborn child to underline his statement and a part of Alec would have loved to see that. “The people here are not bad.“ Magnus took a deep breath, raising his hands, but letting them fall down again with an expression of exasperation on his face after being reminded of the restricting handcuffs. “But if you disappear in the dark of the night, it will fall back on this place, on the people working here - they don’t deserve that.“

Alec had developed a dislike for adults over the past few years and if he was honest since the death of his parents, he hadn’t met any that he had liked so far. He had seen that sad look one too many times, but when he thought about the day, he had tried to climb out of exactly that window, they were now sitting in front of - which was still open, by the way - and how Jocelyn had been scared, had been worried, had been relieved when had been back inside again. The day, Alec had made it through one breakfast downstairs with the others without throwing something against the wall or other people, she had almost hugged him. He had seen her comforting Tessa the day, Jem had been adopted. He had seen many other moment, that he only now realized had happened.

Without a word, he raised his free hand, reached behind Jace’ back and pushed the window close, cutting off the cool breeze and locking out the pale moonlight and the sound of clouds moving across the sky. Maybe they could try. He was just about to say something to Jace, suggest, that one or two days wouldn’t hurt anybody, when his friend, who hadn’t moved his eyes away from Magnus since those last words, suddenly asked:

“Do you feel like those, that leave, judge you for staying?“ He asked that question and honest with curiosity. It was same tone, he’d used with Alec, when they’d first met and it was the exact reason, why Alec had decided to tell him about the day his family had died, instead of threatening to cut him, should he ever ask again. By the look on Magnus’ face though, it seemed rather obvious, that the other was wired differently and totally ready to threaten Jace with everything he had for asking that question.

Fortunately, or not, in that exact moment the door to their room was open and as there was no way to hide or escape whatever meeting was about to happen, the three of them simply sat on the bed, staring at the door like deers caught in the headlights, or Jocelyn’s flashlight in this case. She was wearing a robe, her hair done up in a messy bun and reading glasses sitting low on her nose.

“Hey, guys, I thought, I heard shouting from somewhere around here, is everything okay with-“ Only then did her light hit Jace and she grew aware of the third person on the bed. Her mouth fell open and she reached out with one hand to support herself on the doorframe. “You,“ she whispered with an undertone, that was kind of hoarse.

“Me?“, Jace tried, confusion written all over his face. Magnus shared that sentiment as he even forgot to look annoyed for a moment, sending Alec a questioning look, who couldn’t do more than shrug helplessly.

“You,“ Jocelyn repeated and took a step further into the room, squinting at Jace over the rim of her glasses, and something in Jace’ face change.  

“Me.“ He swallowed heavily. “Oh, I’m having the worst version of a déja-vu ever.“

Alec narrowed his eyes at him, whispering: “What do you mean?“ and when Jace turned to look at him, his friend was paler than before and it had nothing to do with the crappy lighting.

“Red hair,“ Jace stage-whispered and his voice shook with the kind of fear, he’d shown the last time, when they’d thought, they were in the same shop as Jace’ father. “Red hair, Alec. Red hair.“

Alec’s eyes grew wide, when he remembered the sort of code, they had used during not the most glorious period of Jace’ non-existent love-life. “Art student?“, he whispered back frantically and Jace simply mouthed ‘I’m going to die‘.

“You two are aware, that she can hear you, right?“, Magnus mentioned matter-of-factly with a voice dry as the dessert. Alec noted absent-mindedly, that there was something oddly attractive about it, but didn’t dwell on it. He looked at Jocelyn, trying to gauge her reaction to seeing Jace again. She looked conflicted, but just like Magnus, she also looked pretty tired. In the end, she simply sighed, shook her head and muttered:

“We’re going to discuss that in the morning. Magnus, please make sure, that this guy doesn’t leave before we had a chance to talk.“ And with that, she turned around and left the room, carefully shutting the door behind her. Alec, Magnus and Jace were left in a whole new dimension of silence and it was threefold: exhaustion, fear and cautious curiosity.

“Are you going to explain, what just happened or do you want me to guess?“ Magnus eventually broke the silence, raising an eyebrow and making Alec smile, which made him feel warm and fuzzy and weird all over again. Jace sighed dramatically. Then he did it a second time and a third one, and with each sigh, Magnus’ expression got a little bit more strained.

“She has a daughter, right?“, Alec tried to help his friend out, putting a comforting hand on the other’s shoulder, while looking at Magnus, who silently nodded in response to the question. “Well, Jace knows that daughter.“ Alec let the rest of the statement hang in the air between them, hoping, that he wouldn’t have to spell it out. He wasn’t sure, how much he was allowed to share about that time, when Jace once tried out drawing and it ended with Alec having written ‘U suck‘ across his forehead for three days. Permanent markers, that held true to that advertisement sucked big time.

Luckily, or not, Magnus put enough of the pieces together, to figure out the general story behind the encounter with Jocelyn just now. His murderous glare returned and it was a very refreshing experience to not be at the receiving end of it for once, and by now even twice. It was an odd feeling, too. Alec had to admit, he felt somewhat left out.

“Did you do anything to her?“, he growled, but Jace raised his chin in defiance.

“Apart from falling in love, making a fool out of myself, being miserable and eating too much ice cream I didn’t do anything!“

“You tried drawing.“

“Yes, and if I remember correctly, we decided to never speak of it again, didn’t we, Alec?“

Out of the corner of his eye, Alec saw Magnus shaking his head softly, smiling absent-mindedly. ‘Sorry‘, he mouthed at Jace, who silently replied ‘Love you, too‘.

They ended up deciding not to stress this topic and Jace deciding, that talking about past crushes and almost-relationships wasn’t good for his health. Magnus decided not to switch the handcuffs from Alec to Jace and Alec decided, that he didn’t know how he was supposed to feel about that. Around 7 am they collectively decided, that the bed was too small for three people. Around 8 am, Alec was the last one to be awake and he decided, that what he felt with Magnus next to him and Jace starfishing across both of them, was content.

-+-

Jace had had one serious crush in his young life so far. One time, when he could have seen things going further, than before. One time, that he had seen a possible future. It had been full of color, old brushes, fresh paint, stinky oil and million kinds of paper, that he couldn’t  remember the many differences of. There had been red hair and a smile he adored. It had been within his reach, the beautiful sketch of a life with enough space for Alec in it as well if he wanted to. Then it had been shattered like nothing more than colored glass, sparkling and worthless on the floor.

“So,“ Jocelyn sighed as Jace took place in front of her desk in the little office down the hallway on the first floor. “Do you want to tell me, how you ended up in the bed with Magnus and Alec last night or is this the part, where you cloud yourself in silence?“ It was clear, that she was expecting a certain form of reaction, that she had been in this situation before. But Jace found, that he didn’t want to put up an act. He had run from this part of his past, not as much as other things, but still … and now he had smacked into it with full force again. The impact had left him tired, feeling raw and insecure.

“You don’t like me,“ he started softly, “I can understand that and I’m not expecting you to suddenly like me, or give me a second chance and-“

“Why are you here?“, Jocelyn interrupted him carefully. She leaned a bit forward across her desk, like trying to get a closer look of whatever mess just played across Jace’ face. It wasn’t an angry or annoyed interruption. Parts of the hard facade, she had had up earlier, fell down and left behind a woman, who had dealt with difficult kids before, but also just with kids and teenagers in general. Maybe it was a peace offering, maybe she was just playing nice, Jace didn’t know.

“I came for Alec.“ He licked his lips nervously and tried to find another place to look at then Jocelyn’s eyes. “We’re friend, you know? We got separated. And he was brought an orphanage in - well, the city, but when I reached that one, he … he was already sent here.“

Jocelyn just looked at him. Jace felt a constant buzzing on his skin, but somewhere deep inside there was a feeling of stubbornness rising. This had already been set in motion, so why not roll with it? Be honest and see, where it gets you. Be honest, well, to a degree, no reason to become self-destructive. “Do you have a place to stay?“

“We … yes.“ He thought of an old storage building, he’d noticed on his way through the city. They could crash there before moving on. They would find a place, they always did.

“So ‘no‘,“ Jocelyn replied matter-of-factly. Jace stayed silent and she leaned back in her chair. “You’re homeless, too?“ Her eyes had that question ‘Have you been homeless back then, too?‘ ready to be asked and Jace dreaded the moment, he’d have to answer that one with ‘yes‘, too.

“Yeah.“

“What about your parents?“

“My mother is dead.“ Jace looked down at his hands folded in his lap. He fingernails were dirty and the right sleeve of his sweater was torn. His mother had died the night he’d been born. There had been enough time by now to work through that, mourning a woman he’d never known more of, than that his father had hopefully loved her once. He wasn’t quite ready to talk about his father though, not in this context at least.

“What about your father?“ Jocelyn’s voice was cautious, like a scalpel performing a risky surgery, dreading the cut, but knowing it had to be done. “Is he dead, too?“

‘I wish he was.‘ “No.“ Jace took a deep, shuddering breath. His heart was beating nervously, ready to fall out of rhythm anytime. He had to say something, had to say more than just that because otherwise it would just be the ‘then why are you here and not at home?‘-cycle all over again. His situation couldn’t be explained with easy pictures, that others would immediately understand and empathize with. It was more subtle, darker and evil. “But he’s …“ Jace took another deep breath. He was hurting, every syllable cutting his bones and turning him back into a scared child, that couldn’t comprehend, what he knew now. “He’s …“ The words were weights on his shoulders, so he tried to ease that weight by leaning a bit forward across the table, maybe if he didn’t say it too loud, the cuts wouldn’t hurt that much.

“He’s a … he’s  … not nice.“

Something shifted in Jocelyn’s eyes and it helped with the weight on Jace’ shoulders.

“He’s a bad person?“, she asked, her voice soft as feathers. Jace nodded. Jocelyn nodded. And that was that.

He left it at that point, because his skin was already from the pain of memories, and while Jocelyn stayed silent, Jace could hear Alec’s voice in the back of his mind. ‘Bullshit, your dad isn’t just a bad person, he’s a monstrosity, he’s evil and never ever feel guilty for ditching that asshole, okay?‘

Of course, Valentine had reported his son missing to the police, there had been a concerned message they played over the radio, and Jace had never heard his father’s voice so raw and worried and close to tears and he had wondered, what if he was really missing him? What if things weren’t that bad after all? What if he had just needed that moment of Jace not being around to realize how much he missed and loved his son? What if?

But Alec had held him close and told him, if your father hit you once, he will hit you twice. And Jace had already been way past that second time before he’d finally run. No, he had decided, he wouldn’t go back because being with his father was scary, being with Alec was nice. Yes, Alec had been nice and had been there.

“Did you really like her?“ Jace’ head snapped up at the sudden change in topic and only then did he realize his tense muscles and the cold sweat running down his back. Jocelyn hadn’t moved. They were still leaving close to each other. “My daughter?“

“Yes,“ Jace said with big eyes because it was the first truth, that didn’t hurt as much as the others. “She’s amazing. I really wanted to spend more time with her, but-“ The pain was back and Jace saw the scene play out before his eyes like in a bad movie, the cheesy kind with all the stupid misunderstandings, with life being unfair, but it had never reached that Happy End. “But he was there.“

“He?“, Jocelyn whispered back, and by now they were two kids exchanging secrets, that would have other adults roll their eyes, but they didn’t care because sometimes secrets were darker than anybody could imagine. “Where was he?“

“At the vernissage.“

At the end of each year, the school held an exhibition with the best works of different classes and of course a few of Clary’s paintings had been among them. She had been so excited and she’d worn a dress so beautiful, Jace had temporarily questioned if she was indeed real. He had seen her from the window, when he’d of course been late. They had planned to meet in the garden behind the school, he’d even managed to get a rose from somewhere, but then his father had been there, all class and charm in a suit, with a tie and a smile. He’d congratulated Clary, mentioned how he’d been glad about his decision to donate money for one of the many art programs of the school.

And Jace’s world had shattered. He had been reminded of the cancer his father was, how he would invade anything, how he had money for everything, how he had the right smile for everyone. And Jocelyn had been there, too…

“You shook his hand.“ Jace’ voice became hoarse and his eyes were burning, his insides were raw with desperation and once again, did he want to hate the world.

“I shook a lot of hands that evening. If you could give me a name… ?“ It was an offer, he didn’t have to take, but he did it anyway.

“Valentine.“ He felt sick and sad and scared out of his mind. His heart was racing and every second he expected his father to appear in the door, demanding to take him home, being so overjoyed to have his son back, holding him only little too close, hugging him a little too tight. But it didn’t happen. What happened was, that Jocelyn’s eyes grew big and she jumped up from her chair.

“Your father is Valentine Morgenstern?“ Her voice was so full of shock and disbelief and something else, that Jace didn’t know how to handle it. He didn’t give an answer and apparently just fine by not saying anything. “That guy is your father?“

“Please don’t call him,“ Jace begged as he found his voice again, but Jocelyn only fiercely shook her head.

“Not a chance he’s going to get his hands on you, you’re going to stay here even if I have to adopt you myself.“

Jace was stunned into silence. It felt like talking to Alec and as he looked at Jocelyn staring back at him with a determination, that he’d never seen before, he began to wonder if this was what it felt like to have a mother.

-+-

Alec and Magnus sat on the short staircase leading down to the yard behind the orphanage while they waited for Jace to come back out of Jocelyn’s office. It wasn’t cold, but not really warm either that day, so they had taken one of the fluffy blankets they kept in the room with the only TV for movie nights. Both had been too lazy to go through the trouble of taking off the handcuffs to get warmer sweaters. So, for now they were huddled underneath the blanket and looked out over the yard, keeping an eye on some of the kids throwing a frisbee from one end to the other and occasionally hitting innocently bystanding bushes.

“Do you think, he’s going to be okay?“ Alec asked without looking at Magnus.

“She’s not going to eat him,“ was Magnus’ response and yes, he could see how that probably wasn’t the most helpful thing to say, but as he couldn’t judge the history between Jocelyn and Jace properly or anything else about his way till this point, he couldn’t really say for sure, what was going to happen. From the corner of his eyes, he noticed Alec turning his head to look at him. He could practically feel the raised eyebrow and the annoyed glare, so he decided not to look back. Alec had a vicious way to judge with his eyes.

“Your social skills sometimes seriously suck, you know that?“, Alec muttered and Magnus couldn’t find a reason to argue with that.

“I know.“

Their handcuffed hands lay on the ground between them. They never held hands on that side and for a moment Magnus wondered why that was the case.

“Mine are pretty bad, too, though, so I guess you’re in good company,“ Alec remarked cheerfully, but there was something off about his voice, the cheerful tone was like plastic instead of metal. Cheap plastic. Magnus raised his eyes from the handcuffs, squinting at Alec, whose face fell as he started chewing on his lower lip.

“What’s up?“ he asked.

Alec clenched his hands into fists, the one on the ground, just like the one holding one side of the blanket. “Am I really that bad to be with?“ he muttered, adding a sigh that Magnus couldn’t read.

“Well, you’re not necessarily easy to be with the whole time …,“ he began slowly, but was almost instantly interrupted by Alec throwing his free hand into the air, which caused the blanket to slip from his shoulder.

“Yes, I know, but am I really that terrible … still, I mean, as terrible as …“ He stopped there and after watching his helpless expression for a few moments, Magnus softly added:

“As terrible as I said before?“ Alec nodded and it felt painful.

“I mean, you … you did like the rain, right?“ His voice was unusually timid and his whole being suddenly seemed expectedly vulnerable.  “That wasn’t a … not the whole day was bad, right? The … the rain was … nice.“

Magnus began to understand the whole weight of his earlier words. He realized, how easy it was for him to fall back into that motion of defending himself with being offensive, but what had he been defending himself against? Against Alec? Against Jace? He had felt attacked, yes, but by what? Against the idea of Alec having a friend, that he actually got along with … and it not being Magnus? Looking down that path was scary and it was a dark path, too.

Jace had asked him last night, if he felt judged for staying by those who left this place, left it without him. And maybe that was true. Maybe Magnus still hadn’t managed to work through the fact, that he wouldn’t get adopted before turning eighteen. Bad things happened to those, that came late. His father had taught him that, and whether or not was something true, it still resonated within him. Magnus always tried his best to be on time, even if it meant, that he was two hours early, sometimes just because the mere thought of the possibility to be late to certain appointments scared him to death. He was on time, whenever its was possible.

But he was too late for an adoption. He was too old by now and whenever somebody else got adopted, there was this faint image of his father looking down at him, hissing ‘you should have been on time‘. But he had been there, at the orphanage, he had been there all those years, but - it felt like he’d missed a train and he was still standing on a station, being upset at the fact, that his side had been abandoned. He couldn’t move before turning eighteen, but nobody would come for him before that. Nobody would come for him like Jace had come for Alec.

“I’m sorry,“ he whispered. “And you’re right, the rain was nice,“ he whispered. He was rewarded by a brilliant smile, but he wasn’t done yet. “I’m sorry, that I hurt you, I didn’t mean to make it sound like I couldn’t stand you. I … You’re not that bad.“ Alec’s smile turned from brilliant to proud. His eyes shone and there were crinkles around his eyes, that spoke of happiness and not age. Then he leaned closer and Magnus felt his heart beating in his ears.

“You’re not that bad, either.“

“Thank you.“

Jace chose that moment to walk through the door behind them and the moment was broken, but it left a pleasant buzz behind and Magnus didn’t feel like hating Jace anymore either. But when he looked at the other boy, he was instantly overcome by a very honest worry. Jace was pale and his eyes didn’t seem to really see his surroundings. He blinked at Magnus and Alec sitting on the second highest step of the short staircase and it seemed like it took him a while to recognize them.

“Hey,“ he said, his voice weak like his constitution appeared to be.

“Oh god, Jace, are you okay?“ Alec raised halfway from the staircase, moving closer to Magnus, to offer Jace the place on his other side. Jace allowed Alec to pull him down onto the stairs. He rubbed his face with both hands while Alec busied himself with spreading the blanket over his best friend, too. Magnus helped as good as that was possible from his side.

“What happened?“ he eventually asked, but held back with further inquiries, when Jace held up his hand in a defensive gesture.

“Just give me a moment, okay? Just a moment,“ he mumbled as he raised his head again. “I just need a moment.“ Then he turned towards Alec, leaning his head on the other’s shoulder, closed his eyes and took a deep breath, “This is so messed up.“

Alec smiled down at him, hugging him with one arm and rubbing his shoulder with his free hand, while whispering “That’s life.“

Following a sudden feeling, Magnus put his chin on Alec’s other shoulder and added:

“Yeah, but we survived it so far, so we’re also pretty damn awesome, I would say.“ It startled a smile out of both of them, so Magnus counted that as a success. Maybe he wasn’t standing at a station somewhere, waiting for a train, maybe he was in a train, that simply hadn’t reached the right station yet.