#but idk how to do all that adn im tired

[rearranging-deck-chairs]

made some doctor whos while i was away

[crimzoncrow]

haha vent post moment yayyy

hopefully that worked idk how to put cuts on tumblr

im not in a super great spot rn . just generally . and i know that it’s lead me to not talk to some of my friends as much and i know that it’s caused a lot of problems . i know it has ive recognized it and i tried to fix them but it didn’t work and i know it’s at least not ENTIRELY my fault but . my best friend, who ive been best friends with for almost eight years, basically just did the best friend equivalent of breaking up with me . and the worst part is that i totally understand why and i get the feeling that they’ve been talking about this with their other friends who i was also close with but like i met them because they were their friends so i know that ive basically lost them too . and i know that even though i don’t think i did anything too bad, anything not understandable, i know how they talk about the people that’vehurt them and im already so fucking sick that ive accidentally hurt them at all and all i can think of is how they mustve been talking about me behind closed doors and i just don’t know what to do because the only people i had that i could talk to about stuff like this was them

and it’s even worse because we were each other’s ride or dies, at least i thought. i think we genuinely were at least for a bit . and i don’t know if we were but my being messed up fucked it up or if maybe it was just fading over time because i know that they met other people and got closer with them than they were with me and i get that im not mad that they had closer friends it’s just they were still MY ride or die . and they’re not even being mean about it im just Aware that this is my fault . fuck, i can even trace us growing apart as being my fault too i was the one who kept being distant

i can’t help but feel paranoid that somehow they’ll see this or something, even though ive never told them about this account . i feel like theyll see it and itll go in that group chat that im not in (that im not upset im not in i don’t care that im not in Every Group Chat they’re in it’s just i don’t know if they’re talking about me or how they are and i don’t even know if they are i might just be focusihg on myself too much) and thentheyll talk about how im terrible and that this just proves all my problems even though i know that im not as bad as the people ive seen them actually do that to

i don’t know what to do anymore i don’t without them and their friends i think i have two fucking people that i sort of regularly talk to . and i know it’s on me to deal with my shit and i can’t push that onto others but my life is just fucking weird right now and now i don’t have anyone to talk to about it because this is really a fucking lot to just drop on one of those two firneds. i might delete this i don’t know this feels too personal to put oh my tumblr of all places especially when my tumblr is at least kinda fandom focused but i just needed to get it out somewhere

i can only hope that thingsll get better adn maybe they will but this is so fresh that i just feel like shit about it and there’s nothing i can do about it and it just sucks

idk how tumblr etiquette works with ventijg but idc how people respond to this i just . needed to say Something about it somwhere

im so tired

[kaleidosouls]

hi. (pulls out uke)

IM JOKING but i havent posted here in forever huh, are ppl still around? i guess ill comment on like, whats been going in in the time i havent posted

so a long time ago now i wanted to like, cut off from twitter, so i deleted the kaleidosouls twitter, and wanted to keep my art stuff just on insta mostly, trying to move since twitter is a sinking ship right. then my instagram got deleted for no reason (and so did my pinterest that was ful of refs and honestly that was more upseting than insta getting deletedand losing all my art following)

ive been mildly caught up in IRL/college stuff in the meantime,having da depression, and the exec dysfunction same as awlays like. not much has actually been happening but ive been going acutally all over the place trying to figure out what im gonna do with my internet social media stuff. im looking into internships (other field) and im like, i havent given up being an artist professionally exactly but i think im like fuck it. fuck this like, building my Internet career or whatever. like, im gona wokr on my art portfolio and try to find art job stuf thats not really about how popular my art is on twitter or smth. none of that shit rly matters anymoer. same w here, i probably wouldve delted this tumblr if it wasnt the main like, blog so all my other blogs dpened on this one right.

im not like, done posting art online but ive been changing how im going about it and i still havent found my like, place yet. i did remake instagram, a main one and one for creature/pokemon stuff. idk im figuring out my life but i guess the main point is that its all a mess, and its not a disaster like things are going bad or anythin just that ive been in this inertia of disorder for a long time. im getting old. really tired lately, barely draw that much

i still rly love and am holding onto my personal ideas/projects that i want to execute oveer time altho they cant be a priority rn becuase of stuff in life. i got a really bad attention span so ill probably like, work on smth a lot for a few ays and then pick it up again in a year or more. the SU stuff is one of those. i actually ammaking this post bc i got really fucking dickhead comments and i was thinking of going off but my social media paranoia PR brain is like weighting on how i cant do that bc itll make my brand look bad and immature, and its like exhausting to live like that yk. altho it Is wise to restrain myself from being mean dsgkj but i also think itd be funny to cuss ppl off so :( life is very hard as an adult!

anyway point is. thigns are a mess rn and they will continue to be for the time being. my accoutns got obliterated so if you wanna keep up with me maybe follow my instagram if you want, i keep forgetting tumblr exists so tahst why i post so little on here. i do like postingt here though, nad i like making little blogs. i like ppls tags on ym art and replies. even the pricky ones like, i get to engage my brain a litlte bit adn its like ppl are out there yk? seieng my stuff, rather than just like, a bunch of numbers of how many likes or reblogs smth has.

most of the stuff left on this blog is for SU reclaimed and i still rly like the idea and its good coping for me and i want to pick it up sometimes but idk what to do with it wrt how i wanna present the content. ive considerd many times making a separate tumblr for it and i am considering that Again but maybe i should just quit it and post it here and forget about that. and find a different way to present the totality of the contents of the AU and use this tumblr as a way to just post it like, a 'devblog' (i am not developing SHIT this is just conceptual design writing stuff)

if theres anyone still following thats like engaged/interested in SU reclaimed feel free to comment with your thoughts or suggestions,i guess i could make an instagram for it? but ehh... idt thats how i wanna like, execute it. welp. i guess if i do make smth ill post about it here,i guess the point is that maybe i can try to post on here moreoften, idk, like i want my instagrams to be more tidy and like, impersonal. i deleted twitter bc i dont want to engage that personalyl at ALL anymore as an artist w viewers. not to mention it sinking. but i guess tumblr Is the perfect place to keep that unprofessional, slightly casual blogging artist experience. maybe if i get to cuss ppl out :D but then i dont wanna get harassed later over it. hm.. sucks to exist online tbh

thank u if youve read this far. if youre a mutual (somehow) or a long time follower and wanna know how to better keep up w me since i know im disappearing a lot feel free to dm

[breadstickwastaken]

okay another cute boi rant post be warned (it is a bit long)

sO we hung out tonight it was SO date vibes and aaahhhh h hh h

he wanted to show me this like park area in the city (not naming names bc mmm internet stranger danger) cause i dont remember seeing it before, so we like went to the top of it where there weren't a lot of extra lights or people (theres like a light show event going on atm so its rlly busy) and we sat on a rock and vibed for like an hour?? maybe two?? i dont know time went by really fast

hes like so easy to chat with and lose time around and like it was so nice and i have really cold hands all the time especially if im outside, and he has warm hands a lot, and like REALLY WARm hands. so like he let me hold his hands to warm mine up

and i was so pleased like oml, it was so nice. and like we were sitting at different heights so like i played with his hair and he let me and he laid his head on my lap at some point so it would be easier for me to play with it and :)))))

idk i find it really soothing to play with other peoples hair and if its a way to somehow make people be more inclined to play with MY hair well that doesnt matter does it and we really just like sat on that rock in the cold chatting without keeping track of time for so long.

and and at some point my hands were the warm ones so he like grabbed my hand and lowkey stole it like i was doing earlier and we ended up highkey holding hands for a while and it was really really nice.

and hes nice to strangers TOO my god. he gave directions to like 3 different lost people when we were sat on that rock

and he has like such a nice soothing voice and hes really warm and soft and adn adnaksjdhAKJSD.

on our way home way later we linked arms and it was so warm and nice and idk how but when we would like look each other from that close?? it hits different. i may have liked the way he looked at me a bIT too MUCH

idk i find myself really relaxed around him and like i feel safe? its different from normal. and hes got such a nice easygoing sense of humor that somehow matches mine so well? because i laugh at the funniest shit and some people dont get that.

AND OML okay so i have tics, which have been better lately but they definitely still exist. and like i was getting tired and a bit sugar high-y near the end of it bc like we had waffles (they were very good) so i was doing like a hand tic that i have and cute boi soUnded so genuinely concerned when he asked if my wrist hurts, , ,, , ,, ,,and like idk the way he said that he doesnt mind and the whole suportive wholesome vibe was really really nice and mY GOD i like this man.

okay this is getting long BUT just the way he was like "so what next?" when we were on the train home like babes :(((( youre already thinking of next time we hang out???? ? ? SO PRECIOUS, i am so smitten for this man my god.

i reallly want to kiss him fuCK

[glaivegirl]

hard to imagine that most people dont want to kick my ribcage in and kick me to death as soon as they perceive me. but, worse, i think they see something so offensive to the senses and they know they cant just kill me on the spot, so they desperately avoid me. they could stare like at some horror or spectacle, but thats inviting interaction with the sludge of humankind before them. so the thing has to be kept away. get it far from me, i think thats the reaction.

feel kinda tired, idk, i never got around to describing how it feels. but i know people see people like that, at least on the surface. and even if they dont. the thing they see is so simple and it almost puts me at ease. they see, even if they see it as gross and ugly and like something they should instinctively beat and kick to death or to the point of broken bones, pools of blood, and ragged breath, they see something simple and not something thats like a lumpy sack of oddly shaped evils and toxins and demons. they see some person trot around with a weird look, best to avoid.

cities are better, people dont look at you so much. still its like im overflowing. im demented and i am an affront to the land, the people, and the order and the beauty and the sensibilities of this world. i think people can see this thing in me, this gruesome grotesque horror.

if i go to the store i dont think the food is for me, i dont think i should be eating it. if i go to the park, i feel like people will run from me if i get too close behind, beside, or before, i feel like im constantly on the verge of someone telling me to leave, like im not allowed to be there or that im scaring people with my creepy face and ugly body. when i go to the gym or the museum i feel the same, like ill be told to leave because im creeping people out. im doing it all like a serial killer or a stalker or a shooter. i feel like i look like a horrible monster. no one has every told me anything like this

still hard not to feel like im scaring people with my gruesome and disgusting presence. all of it fine, if i am this horrible and wretched and sludge like then i guess the least i can do is do things i enjoy. cant interview people, cant pay to learn guitar or bass guitar, cant take time enough for ositnng, barley cannr red ffnbfffff

ffff

rhey should trst saws adn farm equipment on me until i die from shock or bloodloss.

bht okay im awake again. i just apply for jobs and try to make friends and i just feel like i should die. theres no place for me in this world and ive felt this since i was like 10.

[mapleshmaple]

,

[lepidopterann]

asking about your fnaf au! do you have some random things you want to tell about it that arent long enough to have its own post?

also, how did the mike fritz and jeremy meet? that is, if you haven't told yet.

Not everything is set in stone, since im still working out the whole timeline n stuff so,,,

Fritz and Jeremey met pre-series, having gone to high-school together and for a bit being roommates (but Fritz moved out since he wanted to have a cat and Jeremy was horribly allergic so). They kept in contact tho, going to the library together n stuff (their own lil book club except its them making fun of bad writing), until both of em got jobs at a Freddy's place at around the same time and met their respective animatronics, Both wanted to tell the other about "Hey I got weird robots, they're sentient uhhh wanna meet em?" but didn't want to sound crazy. Eventually they Did tell each other, basically at the same time. They've remained friends, visited each others pizzerias, and help each other when need be (like that one time Funtime Freddy decided he could go through vents despite being like 8 ft. tall). [Note that their pizzerias are kinda far from each other and also far from Mike's, since I didn't think all of these should be at the same town since.. Y'know.]

Jeremy and Mike meet through Mike's animatronics having a mishap and needing to be repaired, before Mike was really good at at mechanics stuff (plus he needed parts). I can't say when this would be but it'd be early on (in this au plot stuff happens slower, bc I felt like the animatronics and Mike should know each other for longer), when someone's injured. The FNAF2 pizzeria being the closest place, he went over with a few animatronics in tow and was surprised to find the toy bots were also sentient. Jeremy was understanding and came back to Mike's pizzeria and fixed up whoever it was that was broken, giving Mike instructions on how to do it as he did. They remained friends and Mike would usually call Jeremy for pointers.

Mike and Fritz met through a very weird set of circumstances, set after Mike found Springtrap in the factory but before Ennard-stuff (note that Ennard this au is a separate entity from the Funtimes). Funtime Freddy, who gets lost often, leaving the facility just because he was bored or thought he saw something (he's a sweetie pie and isn't dumb but... y'know), he ended up at Mike's pizzeria. Mike took him back (much to the Funtimes and Fritz's joy, though the latter didn't show it much bc y'know). Mike n Fritz became acquaintances, later becoming friends due to their mutual friend of Jeremy (who has a great sense of intuition concerning people n places). Fritz gets hella freaked out by all the stuff that's happened to Mike since "Hey that's is A Child" (even though he's like 18 lmao) and becomes a bit protective tbh?? It's sweet.

and as for other stuff for the au,

Mike typically only wears work clothes bc they're easy to draw because that's kinda a uniform (plus he has like several copies of the same outfit), but outside of work he wears generally v tight n colorful clothes w fluffy stuff too. I cannot describe What I mean But-

The whole band, including Mike, when tired, just kinda flop on top of each other into The Nap Pile™ Mikes on top since they thought he was a lil squishy human (and they don't want their nerd squished to death).

I cannot decide if I want them to find Springtrap, him attack and identify Mike and then run away, or them find him, him recognizing Mike right away and not leaving his side like a overgrown puppy (who will try to fight anyone coming near). I think both are fun But? I'm leaning towards the latter bc its nice and leans more into the family theme I want to have.

Mike's middle name is Charlie because. Yeah

Freddy was the first to wake up, then Chica, then Foxy, then Bonnie, and then at some point Puppet and Golden Freddy showed up,

Gently gives Mike some trauma. (it takes him a while to come to terms with stuff happening, like him being a robot, someone who he then though was a murderer was his father and was undead)

Dont think the animatronics are safe from the trauma stick (Freddy and Chica have their collective hey we fuckin died at the same time solidarity, Foxy realize hey wait a minute im a dead kid adn has a mental breakdown, Bonnie is.. Yknow idk for Bonnie???)

This was getting long so I'll stop here.

[wormssss]

so. basically. tl;dr i ffuucking hate school it sucks and it doesnt. do ANYTHING but make things worse . anyway.

the schooling system like. it sucks for me specifically in a few ways idk abt anyone else. for starters; neurodivergency literally at all makes it so hard to function in a classroom environment. its so loud? idk if anyone else gets that in their classrooms but you can hear my class of 23~ from the bottom floor of the 3 story building and that’s considered quiet. as well as like, i cannot function in a classroom without my friends? im out at school and like.... everyones.. transphobic obv why wouldnt they be, and its not in like a..any avoidable way. if i sit with the guys they’ll refuse to talk to me and deadname me all period adn if i sit with the girls theyll laugh at me every time i fucking breathe idk, but the school still thinks putting me in a classroom with kids that visibly hate me and see me as a CRINGE ENTERTAINMENT IRONY MACHINE is like a good idea? and a good way for me to make friends? i dont know if its my luck or if they’re deliberately doing it, but, next term for example i have drama and cooking as classes. two of my friends also have cooking ....but they dont have me in their class. they’re together. but im not in their class. im on my own because other than them and the girl who already did cooking these past two terms (so she cant do it next term) i have.... no other friends. so im definitely in a class of complete strangers! and the way they have this school, you have no choice but to work with someone else in a cooking class...... you are paired with someone in the same mini kitchen and its a disaster but i digress.

also, like. school goes for 6 hours. by the time you get home and get changed and get settled, its sunset so you can’t go out and do anything. you can’t go to the park or climb a tree. youre stuck inside. your family is like groggy from work or whatever and doesnt want to talk to you. you have no energy to get online and talk to your friends online. or theyre asleep. so basically at least for me i get... no time to actually talk to my friends, for example i havent had an actual conversation with piper in like... two months i swear. we’ve forgotten how to talk to eachother and that actually goes with all of my friends. by the weekend we’re still awkward because we havent spoken in months so we can’t really even talk. and because of this rigid like, routine you have to have to actually be able to go to school at all (wake up 7. eat. get dressed. go to school. come home. get changed. eat. shower. go to bed. repeat), i actually like.... find myself. forgetting Everything. i dont know what it is about strict routine where i cannot be myself (my school has a strict and ugly uniform), but it makes me ... completely forget everything slowly and my memory decays. my time blindness gets worse to the point where i dont know what month it is on a regular basis and like... i ditch a lot? because of this? maybe if the schedule didnt make me dissociate and forget everything i wouldnt ditch constantly and like. actually go to school. but like my attendance is... im not at school 25% of the time because i physically cannot go every single day and attend to that rigid and exact cycle that doesnt even teach me anything

doesnt even teach me anything? i dont ... learn anything from school. they like. reteach the same meaningless part of a subject every single year. every year in religious studies in october i learn about the rosary and we spend a lot of the period praying the rosary and i like. ok. cool. its a religious school yeah but what am i actually learning from this. and every year in social studies we learn abt the waitangi treaty but the way they teach it is so whitewashed and utopian and its fucked and they teach it the same way every year around the same time. and anzac day. and in math im not going to use any of those skills you teach me, i dont care about algebra or anything because thats not really going to actually help me in my life im an artist for fucks sake teach me about managing my own finances! teach me how to do taxes! teach me how to function in the society i live in! teach me the important things that ill sink under or die without knowing i want to actually know important things but by cramming so many unimportant things in my brain all the time i forget the actual important things, i fucking failed basic addition and subtraction last year, i’ve forgotten division and multiplication past the 10 times table, but i can vaguely read an algebra equasion BUT FUCKING ALGEBRA EQUASIONS WILL NEVER UFCKING GET ME ANYWJERE!!!!! and it makes me so fucking angry i want to learn and function and KNOW

and the way they tightly bundle everyone to being one conforming individual who dresses like everyone else, is at the same intelligence level as everyone else, is a catholic like everyone else, does not question authority as everyone else or does not question themselves like everyone else or think like anyone else OR BE DIFFERENT THAN ANYONE ELSE makes me want to FUCKING THROW UP. there are so many hopes and dreams that i remember watching from primary school to now sink into a hopeless pit of stereotypes and basic conformity, people who used to be nice are suffocated into being horrible people so that theyre liked by their peers or get anny attention from the school at all, guys who used to respect women (god forbid) suddenly becoming horrible to anyone of any slightly different gender identity but you can actually see on their face how weird it is to them, waves of 11-14 year olds getting nose studs that get infected and they’re forced to have them taken out by the school, kids trying to do their makeup to look like SOMEONE to BE AT ALL DIFFERENT FROM ANYONE ELSE are put right back in their place and told to take it all off and their parents are called and if youre caught with the wrong jacket your parents are called and youre told youre too poor to wear what the school provides yet THEY DONT EVEN LET YOU WEAR WHAT THE SCHOOL PROVIDES WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS 70 DOLLAR HOODIE FOR WHEN YOU WONT LET ME WEAR IT WHILE IM SHIVERING I DONT SEE THE POINT OF ENFORCING SUCH TIGHT POINTLESS SMALL BOUNDARIES OF WHAT A PERSON CAN BE WHY IS IT SO LIMITED? are we not allowed to do anything? you cant even have one strip of hair dye yet a teacher can have a full head of bright purple hair what’s that about? you can have antisemetic pins on your senior year blazer jacket but the second you put a pride pin on there youre called to the principals office and asked why youre promoting this to kids

you try a speech on trans rights and they dont even pass you and pretend its because you got over the time limit but you didnt, you timed it yourself for your friends you didnt get over the time limit and you know it but you didnt even place in fourth you placed last out of 6 or 8 and you wonder why that is because every year in the past you soared into first so whats that about???? in my speech i said be yourself and dont be afraid to experiment with your gender lightly and they told me to take it out because its seen as too much and i said what the fuck? that’s the most important part of my speech, i want to promote acceptance in others and the self and they said take it out or you cant present your speech. they actively suffocate any sort of self expression or nonconformity of any sort you have to be a plain cookiecutter boy or girl and thats it you cannot be anything else, for nearly 6 months theyve fought me and my mom about my hair but if anyones being hurt by it its me because it draws more attention to the kid you can call slurs, are you hurt because im actually expressing myself? are you hurt by my little sharp stud earrings and my industrial piercing and the embroidered cuff on my shirt? are you offended by the heart on my belt or the platforms on my school shoes because the last time i checked none of these were illegal things to have at school

this kind  of got a lot angrier than i meant to make it but ive been . really angry abt this for the past year idk. i really just wanted to write this because i ahvent spoken to piper properly in months and the way we talk now seems like when we just met but i cannot carry a conversation anymore because school knocked the wind out of me all over again and the sudden inability to talk to any of my friends online makes me want to scream until my lungs give out im so tired

[meyhew]

im gonna take a hot second to rant and then hopefully bury this post and delete later but just need to like. word vomit i guess. my nightmares since my sister died? that shit isnt going away! the ones just liek two or three nights ago were about me trying to protect my friends from death. like. actual death. death was standing at the door asking to be let in and i wasnt letting it come inside bc i was SCARED and my uncle, the one who passed away, he was with me at one point we were in a graveyard. it was me, him, my aunt, and my little cousin. he he touched the dirt at one spot (i guess it was a grave) and he said smth like “this is fresh. there will be two more” and um. hah a. please. im tired. before that i saw myself at a graduation ceremony or smth and my teacher came to get me and said “can you come and sit with ur brother for a bit” so i went and he was sobbing he was about to faint and he said our uncle died, the youngest one alive now, and that mom doesnt know yet bc shes in the audience and i have to tell her and im fucking scared adn terrified people keep dying in my dreams and in real life my friend’s cousin died he was around the same age as my uncle and idkidk i know its part of my ptsd i guess i keep seeing my sister hurt in various places, like bleeding out of her stomach or just in the hospital or whatever else and i know its all bc of my ptsd i meet all criteria for it except one and i KNOW thats the problem but idk how to make it go away and im tired im so fuckkgin tired and its affecting everything in my life and im so exhausted i keep getting the urge to go under cold water ad stay there breathe in the cold water and just stay there and not move not do anything just stay in the water hhaha 

not to mention that my friends are FUCKIGN stupid and im tired of their shi t

[deceptivesage]

So i find my self craving to make a post now when im in this mood...dont know what kind of mood im in but its definitely fleeting.

So like idk...Im really trying to love someone but...my dissappointment in myself tells me im not good enough. I think im pretty good in bed and i also think im somewhat attractive but my character...definitely could use improvement. Im bad at conversations now, i dont find anything interesting anymore, its hard to keep interest in most conversations without drifting to dark thoughts or topics ...*sigh* i really wanna keep her happy but maybe its not for me to do. Or is it simply me trying to disguise a truth i dont wanna admit to? I believe i can be happy with her if we could stay together. Since shes not next tto me though...i have massive doubts.

Regadless.

I wanna lose my mind lately. Absolute insanity i mean too. I just wanna say fuck it and just cause hella destruction and chaos....when i walk pass there would be nothing but suffering and pain. I wanna fall deep into the darkness because its where ive always been in my head. Even though ive had fun and done great things with alot of amazing ppl...idk. I just fell like i wasted my life . I had fun. but definitely am now a waste of space adn i just wanna end it all. Im tired of trying to survive...i just wanna live, but what is living for me?  

Gradual progression is my ideal of living the best but its a lonely road of consistently breaking and making new ties. IM breaking myself.

How do i chill out?

[moderngirlmp3]

i hope you get some rest soon! take care of yourself please!! that sounds,, interesting shfslkdjf uhh have fun with those apps? i don't have them but they certainly do seem like a time suck (i say, as if i don't spend a majority of my time on tumblr)

top 3 favorite colors?? probably blue, where it's late at night and you can see the stars so clearly against the clouds and open air, and it just. feels free and alive. orange in the way that people draw characters that glow, and how soulmates are described. and there's this one shade of teal-green-blue shirt that reminds me of rain and laundry, which is nice :D

top 3 colors, and describe one perfect moment for you? - 🌵

flskdjflskfj yeah i don't really want them i think i'll delete them tomorrow morning. also uh. sidenote. i just listened to the little einsteins theme song for like 30 minutes. on loop. so thats where im at.

ok disclaimer i started writing this part like 30 minutes after the beginning and now im rly tired so im not gonna fix typos

oh my god bestie those descriptions im aaaah those are so perfect and im just. yes. askdfoeisdjfk your brain is so good and i completley get all of the things that youres aying. !!

top 3 colors. uh. well i like grey because its just a vibe and there are so many adn i just like it! there are so many things. and then i like green because i used to like it and now i started liking it again and it makes me feel so glad bc nostaliga and its just a good cloor. color. good color. and also lastly uh. blue i guess. its pretty cool lol color pun? cool color yk. oh i like purple :D

describe one perfect moment for me. okay uhh idk if this should be a hypoetheticla or a memory but. i just love movie nights with friends. like youre all sitting together and ideally watching something youve already watched so taht you can make as much snarky comments as you want. and youre eating snacks together and it's so fun and then you fall asleep for a few minutes and when you wake up everyone is talking quietly and the movie is still playing and there is so much cuddles and stuff. it is so good. yes.

okay im sorry for the lack of coherence i just really wanted to answer your ask :D

if you could have one free day to do whatever you wanted with whoever you wanted, what would you do? please also say: what time would you wake up and go to sleep?

[slimy]

semi sleepy ramble. im already on thin ice because technically all tattoos must be covered at my job, and its uncomfortable as fuck to wear a long sleeve undershirt, so i’ve only just barely gotten away (with managers’ permission) with not wearing it. but the Big Boss man might bring it up to me soon idk. i definitely don’t regret my tattoos or their placement. even the cursed raccoon tattoo. like, what, i’m just not gonna decorate my own skin how i want to because of a fuckin burger place?? yeah fucking right.

bc of all this discussion and thoughts on tattoos, now i’m in the mood for another one, something small. like the ghoul on my ankle. maybe a tiny animal. or something based on indigenous nicaraguan art. hm 

i have two “big tattoo” plans, to be completed whenever:

big secret chest piece design

big gator on blank outer forearm

these two 100% must be done by my main artist guy in NYC hes the fuckig best and he’s the only person i’d trust to do such big tattoos

small impulse stuff i dont mind being done by whoever as long as i obviously like their portfolio and the shop looks impeccably clean

none of my tattoos have a single, direct “meaning” but since I chose them because I like how they look, and I have similar taste in things across all categories of things because i am a single person lol, it just logically follows that the tattoos may incidentally tie into other things that I like or that are meaningful to me.

the connections between some of my tattoos’ designs and hotline miami are sometimes intended as one of the primary meanings, but usually it’s just a bonus.

i sometimes worry that hlm wont be so important to me one day, but it’s been a special interest of mine for suuuuuuuch a long time, and my thoughts on the game have evolved with me over time. like even if i suddenly didn’t like it anymore somehow, i would not be able to deny that it was so deeply important to me for as long as it was.

like damn i basically discovered that im trans because of the game. although my friends on tumblr are the ones who opened my eyes to the world of LGBT culture, history, experiences, and terminology (hugely important stuff I may not have ever discovered on my own for a very long time), the first time i ever tangibly explored being transgender irl was in fall 2015 when i wore a hlm cosplay in public for comic con... and then for halloween... and then on the subway and in random parks in nyc... and then at my university, where i asked my friends to only call me the character’s name and refer to me as he/him while i was in costume.......... never thought i’d find so much freedom and joy in a sweaty latex chicken mask

i think sometime after that, in maybe early 2016, i made the post on here where i came out as nonbinary. that was the first day i ever started to embrace that word. it’s back in my archive, you can probably find it easily. the exact date i started to think of myself as nonbinary. lmao. (well not necessarily, of course i felt like i was nonbinary for many years prior, but i didnt have the words for it, and i thought that’s just how everyone felt, or that it was something i needed to get over because it meant i just wasnt confident enough or smth)

how did a post about tattoos become this. probably because i’m not seeing a therapist adn im too tired to write all of this in my normal physical journal.

also i have a fear of forgetting things as important to me as the timelines of things in my life. i want to look back on things like this and be able to know what was going through my head in early 2018. im afraid if if dont write it down ill forget it forever

[theday]

mx tag :o

tagged by boxy @briwoon thakn

Who is your current monsta x bias? kihyun lmao its the hair and smile fuck u! truthfully its ot7 but i havent had time to like updte myself on mx hope theyre all doing lovely

2. Who was your first monsta x bias? jooheon for some reason wait i know why boxy introduced them  2 me and she showed me jooheon’s pic from beautiful era and i was like !!!! hELLO

3. Favourite monsta x song? if only/destroyer/from zero 

4. Who is your monsta x bias wrecker? monsta x

4. What is your favourite monsta x mv? all in lmao what kind of question ? 

5. What were your thoughts when you watched no mercy? i skipped all the embarrassing parts bc i dont live 4 that shit and . idk it seemed real to me like the feelings seemed genuine but u never kno! on my first watch i was just like h . ok i guess.? on my rewatch i felt more emotions and i felt bad for them when something negative would happen also i hated the MEN

6. Favourite monsta x meme? idk like boxy said everything they do is funny but im tired of seeing the word meme and mx go togethr bc theyre more than that adn I KNWO its not meant to b taken so seriously but yeah! theyre just funny

7. How long have you been a monbebe? since august 2017

8. What’s your favourite monsta x album? beautiful outsold even if i skip half the songs the connect is a good contestant but id ont like all of the songs

9. If you could befriend one member of monsta x who would it be? hyungwon or minhyuk bc we all like walking 2 chill and with minhyuk we both love talking and shit but we also love taking the time  2 just be quiet and enjoy the silence u kno hyunwgon bc we’re both caps and idk we might make each other laugh until either of us dies

10. If you could marry one member of monsta x who would it be? boxy ofc the smart choice is shownu but the smarter choice is none of them

11. How did you fall in love with monsta x? boxys love for them (this statement is not plagiarised) to elaborate: boxy kept talking abt kihyun in the gc and made us watch vids of him and then the funnie ones and then she took the last straw (mxray) and threw it in our faces 

12. Favourite monsta x ship ? yall already know what it is but im disconnecting from the whole shipping business for a while need abreak i do adore mx’s relationship with one another as a whole group though theyre literally one big family and i will never ignore that jsut for my some “ship” thank u not saying anyone does that tho ifu wanna ship the members thats fine i trust all my mutuals and friends know the difference between reality and fiction (on that note if anyone wishes to discuss this and/or wishes to ask for advice on this feel free to!)

boxy thank u for taghging me i love u tagging @hyunwoo @hyungwon @ aleena but i heard shes suspended????? @changhyuk  @sakurachae @immr and @minhyukt bc i miss my mbb mutuals but i dont have time 2 come on here 

[undinefin]

Love Post (fuck you guys)

ok! SO! since some people decided to show me up and do extra long paragraphs and make me a friggin playlist, obviously I had to do something too!!!  this is going to be a long post, so there is heavy scrolling involved. I'm sorry.

also, i'd like to apologize to the people that i wasn't able to write stories for, be it I haven't known you enough, or im just a horrible friend (im sorry ood i will write u all the sanic fanfic) im really really sorry!!! 

tbh you dont even have to read the stories if you dont want to??

PLEASE READ THIS: this is the authors note where i essentially justify the mess (or messes if you decide to read all of them) that you are about to lay ya eyes on. i wrote most of these in a non-lucid state, fuelled only by anger and lack of sleep. they aren't the most amazing things. akire, you have another note before yours bc reasons. also im on the computer there will be no emojis sorry im lazy

the story order goes!: Boo CP Fath Nom Kiki Akire ^^ roughly based on story length. 

first however, i'm gonna get other mutuals their love posts!!!

@fooderaser​ : Ch!! The gc misses you so much aahhh i haven't talked to you in so long :(((( i'm sorry i didn't write you a story, and honestly the whole "haven't talked to you enough" is a poor excuse but really, if and when you're available i'll write you all the stories!!! you are so kind, and whenever we are blessed by your presence in the gc it's so nice! you bring this energy in that's so refreshing, and i've seen that post!! You're so beautiful!! I hope to be able to talk to you more! <3 

@sambashua​: Mir, I haven't known you for a long time, but you seem really nice!! I'm glad i have another friend to yell about Haikyuu!! with. SEEAASON FOUR BETTER COME OUT AND WHEN IT DOES WE SHALL Y E L L. im also glad to be a fellow cheermander, and will continue to work on the fy-charmander blog! hope we can talk more!!

@coralinfluencershark​: AUD MY DOD WHO HAS A GREAT BOD (i just thought of that today are you proud) i love you sosososoossoososos much words cant even describe it. again, i'm sorry i didnt write you the sanic x peach x dobby fanfic that i know you are dying to read. YOU ARE SO SWEET AND NICE AND CARE ABOUT ISSUES AND ITS GREAT and you are a lil strange (please, if you have to, BUY a verbal filter) but you are very loved. i love spending time with you, and you never fail to make me laugh. you'RE SO COOL ADN YOU CAN SKATE and are so much smarter than you think you are. im excited for bnha season 3, so on that note, i leave you with this (i sent it to u but idk if u watched it)

@juliaplatinumerr: JU CHAAAAN !!! i love you a lot a lot we have known each other for so long and thANK YOU for still keeping in contact with me it's honestly so magical. IM SORRY I DIDNT WRITE YOU ANYTHING I HAVE NO GOOD EXCUSE i can only offer my presence (aka we should hang out sometime??) and i might go back to japan so if u want anything hmu!! really you're so nice, and reliable, and i love that i can still talk to you and help you!! really really, I love you a lot!!

alrighty now we can move onto the stories!!! i'm so sorry this is a mess. love you all. btw the love paragraphs are arguably gonna be shorter...maybe.

Truthfully, I had no idea where I was going with any of these, and the writing is mediocre at best (because I know I can do better but…haahhhh) so yeah. If anything think of them as like….random little scenarios that I wrote up in which I am not-so-discreetly complimenting y’all in about 1000-2000 words. I don’t think there’s any romance??? Like if there is its like pure n shit but im still not the most comfortable with writing self insert also age! Anyways, apologies in advance. I wasn’t lucid during the making of any of these.

paragraphs look so fugly in tumblr oml.

@caramelmacch1ato​: BOOOOOOO!!! I actually love you sosos much i cant even start to describe it. You're so sweet and so smart wtf please teach me. i love reading your goodnight posts that i think you've sent nearly every night??? thats impressive damn. YOU ARE IMPRESSIVE I AM IMPRESSED BY YOU. i hope you enjoy the story i have no idea whats happening. love youuu <333

Remember

Boo had been to tons of concerts before, she’d been lucky enough to even get Meet n’ Greet tickets for Day6, where she met her bias Jae. He was funny, and strange, but also beautiful and amazing. There were still so many groups she wanted to see live, like Seventeen and Astro, but when Day6 was hosting their second live in America, she was definitely going.

Getting tickets was always a hassle, and even if Day6 didn’t have 4 billion followers (though they deserved it) you had to be clicking ‘check out’ the second the tickets were released to get Fansign tickers. Though, Boo always managed to pull through.

Fast forward about three weeks and Boo was once again lining up with a large poster board outside of the Day6 concert venue. It was a little chilly, as they were performing in February, but it was a birthday gift for Boo, so the cold didn’t bother her too much.

The anticipation killed her, “I Wait,” yeah, she sure as hell did. It took another fifteen minutes for the venue to dim, and the five members of Day6 ran onstage. Screams filled the theatre, and they didn’t stop for the next two hours. Boo’s Korean had improved since the last concert, and during the times where they would MC, she was able to pick up some words. 

Her poster was a light-up one, with nine pictures of the Day6 members, and a neon title spelling out “According to this mood board, how are you feeling today?” During one of their songs, she could have sworn Jae pointed at it and laughed. 

Jae had easily captured her heart, and he played a large part as to why Day6 was her bias group. He was funny, attractive, and had a beautiful voice. The fact that he spoke English was also helpful, in that she could sometimes understand him (“sometimes” because let’s face it, half of what he said was meme garbage).

The boys were doing a game section, in which they had to name their songs by the intro music as fast as they could. Whoever got the most right would draw from a lottery, and the lucky person would come up on stage to receive a prize. YoungK was winning, with Jae at a close second. Dowoon was surprisingly third, and Wonpil and Sungjin were tied for last place.

Familiar music filled the room, and the fans were shouting out the answers arguably faster than any of the boys. Jae hit his buzzer. “그렇더���고요!” he shouted eagerly. With this he was tied with Younghyun. “Or, When You Love Someone,” he followed up, remembering that the audience was English.

“I LOVE YOU JAE,” Boo screamed, her voice was hoarse from the fanchants, and general shouting, but she wasn’t fazed. Some other fans in the audience added on, and Jae bore a proud look. YoungK rolled his eyes but laughed, and Dowoon mumbled something about how he should’ve guessed that, since those were his drums.

Boo, able to pick up his worry due to her knowledge and proximity to the stage followed up with a, “YOU’RE PERFECT DOWOON.” Dowoon perked up, and others also shouted words of encouragement to him, as well as the other members.

The concert slipped away all too soon, and many were upset that their time with Day6 was over. The Hi-touch ticket holders went to give the members a quick high-five before leaving, practically worshipping their hands.

Boo got in line for the Jae Meet n’ Greet, which was very long. She was one of the last people to join, and the other lines were beginning to fill up as well. Boo watched the other people meet the members, some cried, others laughed, and a few even gave them gifts! The MyDays were very respectful though, and Boo was proud to be a part of them.

The minutes ticked by, and her poster felt heavier by the second. Boo checked her makeup to ensure she didn’t look like a total wreck. Jumping up and down, and singing along to songs was a lot more work than it seemed. Her makeup looked clean though, and there was one zit that she couldn’t cover up, but she could hide it with her hair.

“Hi there!” Jae smiled. Boo smiled back shyly, as always, he was even more beautiful in person! His smile was radiant, and despite how tired he was from performing, his face still looked energetic, like a puppy. “I’m number eight by the way,” he mentioned.

“Number eight?” Boo repeated, confused. 

Jae pointed to her poster, “Yeah on your mood board! Feeling totally pumped today, I also look especially fabulous in that photo! But number two, Sungjin eating…. that’s a close one.”

Boo laughed, “I think I’m also eight. Seeing you guys really gets me excited, I love your music a lot.”

Jae grinned, “That’s good, but I’m the main reason, right? My looks are so attractive that it compelled you to buy a ticket! 

“Of course,” Boo agreed jokingly.

“That laugh…you’re the ‘Okie Dokie Artichokie’ girl, aren’t you? I say it all the time to piss off Brian, he says I say it stupidly.”

Jae remembered her laugh, Jae remembered her.

“That’s because you do!” YoungK hissed. The girl that was meeting with him laughed as well.

Jae pulled his face into a strange expression, with his eyes looking upwards and a frown upon his lips. “OkIE doKiE, ArticHOkie,” he jested. His voice sounded like Goofy from Mickey Mouse, and Jae couldn’t stop himself from laughing at the end. He added finger guns that pointed at Boo.

“I’m proud,” Boo wiped an invisible tear from her eye.

“You should be, how have I never known this before?” Jae agreed seriously.

“Such ignorance for a wonderful phrase, I’m glad I was at least able to teach it to you, even though it was late.”

“As your follower in the religion of mood boards, and random phrases, I appreciate the important lesson.” The two of them continued back and forth, as their scenario grew more and more outrageous. It was when aliens were brought into the conversation that the two broke out into laughter.

 “That was fun, you’re fun,” Jae exclaimed. “You’re funny too, and nice! An ideal Myday, but most importantly, you stan me! Which makes you the most ideal Kpop fan of all!”

“Well…you are my ultimate bias,” Boo admitted.

“ULTIMATE!?” Jae guffawed. He turned to Younghyun, “Hear that? I’m her ultimate bias.” Jae bore a proud look on his face. He turned back to Boo, “Well, I’m just so handsome and talented that it’d be hard not to have me as an ultimate bias! Though everyone is starting to appreciate the other members’ individual looks, which is nice. Your looks could rival even mine!”

Boo blushed at that. As much as Jae joked(?) about how godly his face was, no one could actually deny it. He was very attractive after all, and being compared to that by the man himself, Boo was half certain she was dreaming.

“Thank you, I tried hard for you tonight,” Boo smiled.

“Ah see, that’s a killer smile right there. The makings of an idol! All you have to do now is learn some Korean and it’ll be smooth sailing from there. With all your charisma and caring-ness, the companies will be fighting over you!” Jae gleamed at her.

Jae noticed the time was ticking by, and the other girls in line were still waiting. “Alright Ms. Artichokie, is there a better name I can call you?”

“Boo.”

Jae grinned and held out his hand. “Alright Boo, I hope you come to lots of concerts, and if you DO sign under a label be sure to tell me,” he winked at her, “Till then, I’ll remember you, Boo.”

@howcaniwait: CP overlord, you are truly the glue that sticks this mess of a gc together. i love you so much its actually so overwhelming for ma lil heart. you are so sweet, and you have evolved so much!! to love kpop!!!!! you're so beautiful thoSE EYEBROWS MAN and you're so easy to talk to and get along with and wE LIKE P!ATD YAAY. really you're actually one of the smartest people i know and i know sometimes it gets overwhelming but you're so smart i know you are!! again, i hope the story does some justice??? its kinda lame but whATEVER

Five Minutes 

The chances that you’d meet someone famous were quite slim, and it seemed that if you were a fan of said celebrity, the chances would be even slimmer. Taken that CP didn’t live in a largely visited country for artists, to even perform in, her chances were slimmer.

But CP loved the artists that she did nonetheless. Maybe a year ago she was wary of them, and she even made fun of the people that liked them! But slowly, very slowly, she began to have a change of heart. Day6 was something different compared to the other ones she had heard of at the time. Their music was magic, and the people who made that music were beyond skilled. She fell in love with them fast, and the one who caught her eye was none other than Kang Younghyun.

He had remained her ultimate bias for a year of Kpop adventures, which involved spending a lot of time online staring at pretty boys singing, dancing, and talking. Despite all the amazing idols she had seen, nothing could top her love for YoungK of Day6.

“You hear that CP?” A hand waved in front of her face. Kiki and L were sitting in front of her, at a restaurant in Korea Town. “They don’t have any more Bibimbap,” Kiki recapped. After tons and tons of pestering from her friends, and saving up, as well as a generous Christmas gift, CP was able to meet her friends in the place where YoungK had studied, Toronto.

“Ah, then I’ll have the….” CP quickly looked at the menu, “Tteok-bokki.” It was the cheapest option.

The three had energetic conversations about Kpop stars, as all avid fans of the music. It ranged from trying to discern the song that was playing in the restaurant, to showing Kiki various images in hopes that her alter ego would come out.

“Stop!” Kiki whined, the last picture of Bambam was starting to push her off the edge.

L nodded, “Yeah, please stop we don’t need that in this nice restaurant.”

“I can’t help it! You guys are the ones showing me the images!” Kiki argued.

“In this Good Christian Restaurant?” CP ignored her friend. “Control yourself,” she gave Kiki a stern look, despite being the one showing her the images. Kiki mumbled something under her breath.

The food in the restaurant was good, and CP thought that the Tteok-bokki was actually pretty delicious. Half way through the meal L sighed loudly.

“The damn subways are closed, I have to take the bus home. I hate taking the bus,” she informed the others. Kiki laughed, she could walk home from their location. CP was getting picked up by her parents, so it wasn’t a big deal for her too. “I’m probably going to have to leave early.”

The plan was that they’d eat, then go to a Kpop store with a good stock of albums. After another fifteen minutes, L apologized before setting down some money for her portion of the meal and then leaving to catch the bus. 

“That sucks,” Kiki sighed. “We can still go though, that’s fine, right?” CP nodded. They finished paying and then left for the store. The remaining snow on the ground was mostly slush, and even though the sun was out, a chill still remained in the air. CP was glad she wore her boots.

The store clerks greeted them nicely, and Kiki showed her to the Day6 section of the store, before going to buy another album to add to her collection. With the remaining $25, CP decided to buy Daydream.

“Maybe I should buy a BTR album in Toronto too…” CP wondered aloud, purposely saying it so that Kiki could hear 

Kiki’s enraged expression was hardly fake, “Don’t you dare mention that name within my sanctuary of Kpop albums!”

CP laughed, “It was a joke, a joke.” Kiki grumbled, unconvinced. The two of them left the store, that they admittedly spent far too long in. Kiki managed to find a poster of an Astro member, and the searching alone took around ten minutes.

“You want me to wait with you?” Kiki asked.

“It’s fine, don’t worry,” she assured her friend. Kiki lingered for a bit, before the cold air started getting to her. She said her goodbye, and promised to meet again.

CP had around five minutes until her parents would pick her up, those five minutes would possibly be the most fantastical five minutes of her life thus far. It started with her taking out her new Day6 album, because damnit they didn’t put their music on any platforms. CP quickly cracked it open, curious to see her photo card. She wouldn’t risk opening it anymore, lest she drop it in the slush. A picture of Wonpil staring into the camera at the beach was inside. She took it out to admire the photo. Even if he wasn’t her bias, CP was a good Kpop stan who appreciated all the members.

CP looked up for the briefest moment. She noticed someone rather tall, asking various people for something. Though, through the bustle of the streets no one seemed to stop and reply to him. CP looked closer, there was something so painfully familiar about him, and maybe it was the shock, or the sunglasses, but CP couldn’t quite put her finger on it.

“Excuse me, miss?” the man had come up to her. He had a slight accent, but his words were still clear. 

“Oh! Yes?” CP responded, somewhat startled.

The man sighed, “Finally. Do you have any toonies, or tokens? The subway is closed down, and I need to take the bus. It’s been a while…I’m still not completely familiar with this section of Toronto. 

CP didn’t say anything, but rummaged through a bag she had brought. She was still racking her brain, trying to think of who it was. But…it couldn’t be him. There was no way, this would have to be some shitty story that was written to the ideals of mere humans.

She handed him a token that her mother had given her just in case. “Thank you, you’re very kind,” he smiled at her.

CP knew that smile, almost as much as she knew the music that it went with. “You…you’re YoungK, right?”

Younghyun hummed. Normally he’d deny it, not cause a fuss, because even if people didn’t know you, they’d still try to take pictures just so they could say ‘I met YoungK.’ But something felt different, maybe it was her kindness, or the Wonpil picture she held between her fingers, or just a feeling, but something was different.

“I am,” he smiled again. He saw her face light up. Contrasting to all the dreary slush, and grey air, her smile and eyes were shining brightly. Her eyes were soft, but still looking at him in awe, and her smile was beautiful, big, and loving. “Would you like a signature?” Younghyun offered.

CP opened her mouth, though nothing audible came out. Instead she nodded, and held out the new album. Her heart was beating faster than it ever had before. Thousands of thoughts, questions, and horrible conversation starters were floundering around her head, but none of them were spoken. 

“Thank you,” she finally said. “Thank you so much. You…your music, your voice, everything is so amazing! You know I wasn’t a huge fan of Kpop, but I listened to you guys, and it was like a whole new sky had opened up for me.” Her voice was filled with amazement, as if she was singing praises, she practically was. CP was thoroughly grateful.

YoungK handed back the album. “Thank you,” his voice was firm. “Thank you for supporting us. Day6 would be nothing without our fans. I would just be a guy with a nice voice. You’ve given us something amazing, more than any of us could comprehend.” His eyes focused on her. “I’m glad that our fans are kind ones like you, and I’m glad I was able to change your heart. Can I call you something?”

CP was still in shock that the Kang Younghyun was talking to her, was complimenting her! “Uh…I’m known as Charlie by my friends…” she mumbled.

“Okay, Charlie, maybe we’ll meet again. Thank you so much!” he began to back away.

CP quickly sprung to action. “Wait!” she called. “Could I…could I get a picture? Is that okay? 

YoungK laughed, “Sure. Really, you’re so considerate, even just asking for a picture.”

Five minutes. It had been five minutes, and her parents pulled up. CP was still going through the scenario in her head over and over again. She had met YoungK.

Just as Younghyun had met Charlie.

@lollipopp3725: FATTHHHH!!!!!! oh gods when you were added to the chat and i found out we couLD YELL ABOUT UTAITE AND HAIKYUU you saw me i was literally having a breakdown i was so happy. so thank you for putting up with all my rants about them! you're so sweet!! i loved the story you wrote, jesus that angst man. you're so nice, and so energetic aND YOUR PUNS ARE TOP QUALITY. good puns, you could call them...aJUN nice. i know you had like a few other people that you heavily biased but here's jun!

Hugs 

Fath was growing a little impatient.

Weeks ago, somehow, miraculously, she had been able to buy a Seventeen album from a store and her parents were not aware of exactly what she had purchased. Fath knew that Seventeen was in Singapore for a tour, but when she opened her album to find a ballot to the fansign, she almost had a heart attack.

Fath knew that having one ballot was nothing, and there was nearly no chance of her getting into the event, but she couldn’t risk buying the album again. Even so, Fath filled out the ballot, because “nearly no chance” was better than no chance at all. Despite that, she still had little faith in the ballot. People would buy ten albums, twenty, or even fifty just to get into the fansign. It was a groundless dream.

So, when Fath received the news that she was accepted into the fansign, she went into shock for a good few minutes before muffling her cries into a pillow. Fath’s heart wouldn’t calm down – she swore it was working harder than when she did physical activity – and she kicked at the air, trying to contain her excitement.

There was only one problem now. Her parents.

They weren’t fans of music to begin with, finding it distracting, especially what they classified as “teenager music.” Kpop was worse. They disregarded anything Kpop, and Fath had remained a closeted fan in the presence of her parents.

The most Fath could do was tell them she was going out with a friend, and hope they wouldn’t question her too much. If they asked why there was a strange bulk in her bag, maybe she could say it was a book and hope they weren’t suspicious. Fath thought herself an okay liar, so she could get by. The fansign shouldn’t take more than an hour after all.

Fath only got a few, “When will you be back” and “Tell us if anything changes” before getting the approval to go out. She texted a friend to tell them about the plan, just in case her parents asked about it later.

The location of the fansign was a little far out, but it would only be a half our train ride, then a short walk. There were only a few delays on the train, which in turn resulted in an extra ten minute ride, but Fath still had around fifteen minutes before the fansign started. The air was crisp, and the sky was especially clear. Fath quickened her pace.

The building was one of the smaller ones on the block, only going up to about three stories high. The e-mail said to go downstairs, and the staff members would help guide you to the fansign location.

Fath luckily only took one wrong turn, and was quickly redirected into the proper room. About a hundred other girls were there, all bustling with excitement. It was loud, and everyone seemed to be talking to everyone. Before Fath could join into any conversation of “who’s your bias,” or “which album do you like best,” a middle-aged man stood at the front to gather everyone’s attention.

“Alright everyone, please listen carefully,” the feedback from the microphone whined, sending out a sound a little too high for humans to comprehend, but low enough just to pierce their eardrums. The man apologized, and proceeded to explain how the fansign would work.

Essentially, after Seventeen answered questions from the post-it notes, everyone would line up under who they had slotted, and they’d have a short time to chat, only about a minute. The members would sign a poster, and you could give gifts. The fansign wasn’t too strict, despite the band being Seventeen.

And that brought Fath to the present, where she was getting impatient. She had the Jun fansign slot, and was currently waiting in line to meet him. She was fine with that; the waiting was fine. What was annoying her was that she had been waiting for nearly forty minutes, and Fath was finally at the front of the line, but the girl in front of her was taking a long time. They were only supposed to have a minute when the fansign part started, but Fath was certain this girl had been clinging to Jun for nearly two minutes now. She was the last person in line, and a lot of the other lines were almost done too.

There was a sudden cry. Fath turned to see a burst of water sailing through the air. A pipe had sprung loose in the building, and the girls near it, as well as Dino were getting sprayed with water.

Chaos ensued. The water was getting more intense, as other breaks in the pipes were slowly forming. Both the fans, staff members, and Seventeen hastily ran away from the scene. After a few moments of ensuring no one was hurt, the middle-aged man stood up again.

“The fansign is now closed. We’re sorry for the inconvenience, but this is both the allocated time of closing, and considering the problem, we have to close it down anyways. If you were unable to receive the posters, please pick them up at the front,” he announced.

Most of the girls didn’t mind, they had already met with one of the members. Fath however, did mind. She didn’t care about the posters (well she did but not as much as) she cared about meeting Jun. In the crowd, she couldn’t even see him. Like the other members, he was probably already being escorted away.

Fath felt like screaming, or crying. Either were fine. She thought that maybe, just maybe she’d be able to meet her bias. She’d be able to talk to them. But it was ruined because what? A broken pipe and some insensitive girl who took too long. It was unfair. Fath was the last girl in line to talk to Jun. It was frustrating if anything, but a small part of her said “What do you expect?” All that risk with her parents for nothing.

Most of the girls had already left the room, trying to avoid the growing puddle of water. Fath followed, trudging along, when someone tapped her shoulder.

Truthfully, Fath wasn’t in the mood to talk to someone. She wanted to grab her poster and go, but the voice that spoke certainly wasn’t a fan.

“You are…l…last?” 

The voice was too deep to be a girl’s, and the accent and broken English was all Fath needed to turn around to see who was talking to her.

It was Jun. He turned around to face Vernon, who mouthed him something else. “I am…sorry,” he said robotically. Fath felt like crying again, but for another reason. Jun was talking to her, Jun wanted to speak to her.

“Thank you,” she breathed.

Jun smiled at the recognizable words, “You’re welcome.” He stared a while, seeming to be thinking before opening his mouth again. “You like…something? Hand?” Jun held out his hand low enough to be a handshake, but high enough to go for a high five.

Fath noticed the other members walking out another exit. “Thank you so much! You probably have to go but…can I have a hug?”

“Hug?”

Fath felt awkward, he wasn’t too clear on what a hug was. “You…you know…arms around each other,” she lifted her arms as if pretending to go into the hug. Jun nodded and made a sound before raising his arm and hugging Fath.

It was a good hug. Jun was warm, which made Fath feel warm, and protected too. Jun lingred in the position, staying as they were for just a bit longer. Fath lightly rested her head against him, mumbling another thank you. The idol looked at her and smiled. His smile was cute, beautiful. Fath could’ve melted right then and there.

Jun pulled away, giving Fath one last smile before leaving. Maybe she didn’t officially have her fansign, but who cares because she just got to hug Jun.

@achuu-nice: nomiTH NOM NOOMMOFSNDK! i love you. you are the bestest mom i could think of anD YOU ARE SO SO SWEET!!! MUCH CARE!!! thank you for also suffering through the haikyuu angst fic, come to me and yell when you are done. no but seriously you are so nice and kind and even though i am the hype woman u give me lots of hype. so nice. I HOPE YOU ENJOY JEONGHAN. i loveeee you!!!

I’m sorry, this got out of hand

~A magical world in which nom and hannie can understand each other~

Angel

Nom was always the mother of the group. She was responsible, and always cared for her friends, regardless of whether they were actually younger than her or not. It fit, Nom the mom, Mom, and she truly loved all those dubbed as her children. But other than her name, what was it exactly that attracted people to her mom-ness? As well, would Nom ever know how it feels to be mommed? Truly, such questions were ones that could hardly ever be answered.

It was one fateful day, Nom was innocently listening to Teen, Age as she walked to buy more bird feed. Flower was booming in her earbuds, and when Jeonghan’s voice came on at exactly 2:42, she completely forgot her surroundings.

The bike came out of nowhere. She could hardly hear the bike bell over the sound of the music. She looked up to see the bike speeding towards her, and the person riding it screaming something. 

It happened in an instant. Nom’s vision went fuzzy, and an incessant ringing was going off in her ears. There was a bright light, and then a warm voice.

Nom…

The voice was soft, and Nom could have sworn there was a slight echo to it. The voice was not clear, was she unconscious?

Nom…wake up…

It sounded very familiar…but something was different. If it was really that voice, then there would be an accent, and that was even assuming he could speak English. But this voice…it spoke in perfect English with practically no accent. The white light was still there, and Nom was fairly certain she was still awake.

Open your eyes…child…

Child? Did the voice call her child? When was she ever the child? Nom tried to “open her eyes,” but nothing changed. Her eyes were definitely open, and for whatever reason nothing actually hurt, despite being hit by the bike. Speaking of which, was not there. Where was the bike? Nom looked down, where was the road? She was in some strange white plane, with mist floating around everywhere. 

Nom opened her mouth, seeing if she could at least talk, “My…my eyes are open. Maybe you could turn down the brightness?” Her suggestion was earnest. A soft Oh could be heard and slowly the bright light disappeared, leaving what Nom could only describe as an angel.

He had beautiful feathers, they were sleek but still fluffy that were folded to covered his body. Some of them protruded from the main structure of the wings, and others had fallen to his feet. The wings encircled his body, and a halo of light rested lightly above his long, light brown hair.

With a flurry of feathers, the angel unfurled his wings to reveal his full body. The hair was pulled into a loose braid that ended just past his shoulders. His skin was smooth, so perfect that Nom was nearly convinced what she was seeing was an actual angel. He was clad in a loose white button-up shirt, with the last two buttons not done up, and fitted black jeans. He wore white running shoes of a brand that Nom didn’t recognize, and a silver bracelet.

“Jeonghan?” Nom said hesitantly.

‘Jeonghan’ smiled at her, “So you know my name, I’m glad.” His smile seemed to literally glow.

Gathering her thoughts and courage, Nom began to ask her questions, “Are you really him? There’s no way, right? Hannie speaks Korean, he lives in Korea, in fact, if you are him you should be in Korea now.” 

“Well…I suppose I am him? But not at the same time, it can be complicated. Simply put, think of me as like an astral projection of your Jeonghan, though you aren’t physically meeting, this plane and circumstance has allowed our minds to connect. Should you ever meet for real, both of you would remember this meeting and each other,” the angel Jeonghan replied.

Nom cocked her head to the side, “Circumstance? Oh…Oh yeah! Wasn’t I like, hit by a bike? Am I unconscious? Aren’t you just a figment of my imagination?” Though, if he was, Nom gave her imagination a large pat on the back, because Angel Jeonghan was masterfully thought up.

A bittersweet expression crossed Jeonghan’s face, “I’m sure you’re wondering about the wings.”

“I am.” 

“Well…like I said, this plane that is invisible to normal humans is what is allowing us to meet. The wings and halo are uh…part of the job I suppose,” Jeonghan started. “Do you believe in guardian angels, Nom?”

Nom thought, “I suppose they’d be nice, but I don’t really pray to my guardian angel or anything like that." 

“Well, I’m your guardian angel!” Jeonghan exclaimed. He seemed very excited, and his wings flapped, emulating his emotions. A few feathers around his feet flew up from the sudden wind.

Nom could only stare, gaping. A small laugh escaped her, though she quickly apologized.

“I suppose that’s hard to believe, after all, there are many other instances in which I could have saved you,” Jeonghan reached out to ruffle her hair. “The truth is, certain qualifications have to be met, if everyone was being saved by their guardian angel, the world would be thrown off balance, would it not?”

“Sorry, I’m still trying to wrap my head around that fact that Jeonghan is my guardian angel. I mean…I suppose him being an angel isn’t that far off but…my angel?” Nom felt truly blessed, and if this was her imagination, it was both the best and cruelest scenario it could think up.

“I really am! And you…you far exceed the qualifications needed. I’m actually the guardian angel for many people, I represent…well aside from all the major religious stuff, generally caring about others, and being a good person,” Jeonghan finished. Nom could believe that. Jeonghan was certainly caring, and he loved his members a lot. He enjoyed helping them and listening to their problems.

“So I had to be…a good mom?” Nom asked.

Jeonghan laughed, maybe it was the whole angelic thing, but it truly sounded like a bell. “You could call it that. Nom you are more than kind. You care so much for your friends, and take the time to talk to them.”

“Wait you can see the stuff I do!?” Nom’s voice was anxious.

Jeonghan grinned, “Only the stuff relevant to the whole angel thing.” Nom let out a sigh of relief. “You’re sweet, and are so nice to your friends, and try to stay mature when needed. And speaking from Jeonghan the Kpop Star, you’re a wonderful fan! You appreciate the members, and respect other fans. Truly, it’s your acts of kindness and being so sweet that allowed me to help you!”

“Oh! So you brought me to this plane because…I wouldn’t be hurt by the bike?” 

“Exactly!” Jeonghan reached out to pat her on the head. “Would you like a hug? I’m very good at hugging people.”

Nom nodded, and leaned into the angel. It was warm, and a loose feather tickled her nose. Jeonghan hummed happily. “I think our time is up. I’ll do my best to watch over you, as your angel.”

@maetaamong: oghetjdfkv kiki i actually love you so much there aren't any words. gahh you picked me up at swim and was the one that allowed me to meet everyone here, and for that i am so grateful. you're so fun to be around and you cARE so much and i love you for that. thank you for putting up with my idiocy, and thank you for teaching me all~~ about kpop. i'll work hard!! i believe in your situations and i really love you sososo much !!! FIGHTING!!!

Urs are the only universe in which you personally know the idol bc u are a spoiled brat love u also somehow u can understand each other??? You probably learned Korean or smt. U like…can choose if ya in a relationship or just friends idc man there’s no kissy kissy so . also u are older

Loud

“Kiki! Look! Look at this one!” The tall boy happily bounced towards the blonde, with a book in hand. The cover was two shades of blue, and obnoxious text that looked like it was an early 2007 meme. The title was Does God Ever Speak Through Cats? and Minhyuk seemed very excited about this question.

“I know it sounds stupid, but! He brings up some really good points? Don’t you think Bay acts strangely sometimes? It has to be the work of God!” he declared, which earned a few nasty stares from other patrons.

Kiki sighed and apologized to the startled customers, “Min, you do realize we are at a public library, and you’re being very loud?”

Minhyuk’s face fell, and he pouted innocently, “Sorry…should we go somewhere else?” His voice sounded remorseful, and even though he was taller than Kiki, she resisted the urge to pat him on the head. She could practically see the dog ears flapping over in guilt.

“It’s fine, you just have to be quiet. I just want to find a good book,” Kiki said softly.

“Okay, sorry, I know how much you like to read. Whatever you buy, I’ll pay,” he offered.

Kiki turned to him, with an incredulous look on her face, “Min, this is the public library. I have a library card, there’s no need for you to pay.”

Minhyuk, slightly annoyed by this fact, just mumbled in response and went back to browse the shelves for another strange book. He wasn’t a huge fan of reading, finding that he definitely didn’t have enough patience for it, and that reading words off a page simply weren’t exciting enough for him 

Though, the boy’s moodiness disappeared almost completely when he wordlessly handed Kiki another book. Teach Your Wife to be a Widow was a rather old looking book.

Kiki couldn’t hold back her laughter, “Is…is this supposed to be romantic or threatening? Calling me your wife…that’s sweet but this certainly isn’t how I thought it would go.”

Minhyuk giggled in response, “It’s both!” Another “shhh” was directed at him, to which he hastily apologized and trailed after Kiki, who disappeared into the ‘Fantasy’ section. She skimmed through the books, thumbing the spines of the ones that interested her from purely the title and art.

She had read a few of them, some didn’t catch her interest, while others had storylines far too similar to books already done. A book caught her eye. It had a bright blue cover, with the words Shatter Me written in blue and white font. Kiki pulled it out of the shelf. The cover had an eye on it. That was a good sign. Books with eyes on them usually had some cool theme going on. A quick skim of the summery told her that it was indeed a dystopian novel – her favourite genre – and that people had powers.

“What’s that? You gonna get it?” Minhyuk appeared out of nowhere. Kiki decided not to mention that even without him literally shouting out a stupid statement, his voice was still loud.

“Might,” she replied. Minhyuk sighed loudly, and finally one of the workers came up to him and asked him politely to “shut up or get out.” Minhyuk placed a hand over his mouth and actually kept this there as Kiki signed out the book. The pair could’ve sworn that people breathed a sigh of relief as they left the library.

As soon as they stepped out Minhyuk’s loud voice returned, “When we get to your room, I can be as loud as I want, right?”

“Of course,” Kiki laughed. Her apartment was a few blocks away from the library, both of which were on a beautiful promenade. They arrived at her apartment, which was a simple red brick building with white highlights around the windows, and a black roof. They climbed up three flights of stairs and walked to her room. 

Kiki set down her keys and took off her shoes. “Want anything to drink?”

Minhyuk didn’t skip a beat, “Green tea please. I’ll put on the water.” He filled up the kettle with water and waited for it to heat up. Kiki decided to drink some too, and took out a tea pot. 

“Are we really gonna read? On my precious day off?” Minhyuk whined. Kiki wanted to say that it was him just poking fun at her, but she knew very well that he wasn’t too excited.

“Only a bit, then we can do something more interesting. Maybe you’ll like the story.”

“Unlikely.”

“Aww c’mon it won’t be that bad. Just the first few pages. Really, thank you for spending your ‘precious day off’ with me– geez that expression, you’re so cute. I promise reading isn’t the only thing we’ll do.”

Minhyuk couldn’t hold back a smile, “Thanks for letting me spend it with you. You’re nice, and fun, and caring. But I wish you would stop calling me cute. I’m not cute!”

Kiki stared at his flustered face, “I beg to differ.” The kettle began to whistle and they each poured themselves a cup of tea.

They spent the first twenty pages just sitting next to each other on Kiki’s bed. “You’re going too fast,” Minhyuk would say. Kiki would wait after finishing a page for Minhyuk to nod. After a while Minhyuk started to complain about how the position hurt his neck, and his posture was bad.

“Well, how should we sit?” Kiki asked. Minhyuk had a devilish grin on his face, and grabbed Kiki by her waist. She shrieked from the sudden contact, and Minhyuk pulled her into him. He bended his legs and Kiki was now sitting in front of him, between his legs. Minhyuk’s back was warm, and his arms were unconsciously-consciously wrapped around the girl.

“Won’t this hurt your neck more?”

“I’m taller than you so it’s fine.” Kiki decided to let him do what he wanted.

Another few minutes passed before Minhyuk spoke up again, “This girl is stupid.”

“Annoying,” Kiki agreed. “And this guy they’ve brought in…he’s just supposed to be the guard. I mean it’s kind of cute?”

“He’s too moody, too stiff,” Minhyuk said into Kiki’s ear. “He should be more like me." 

“Well they are in a prison,” Kiki pointed out. Minhyuk only clicked his tongue in response. Bored, he reached over to turn on her fairy lights.

Another thirty pages passed, and the love triangle of the story finally started to show up. Though the second contestant seemed a lot less desirable. “You know…” Minhyuk said for the first time in a while. “Even though we’re reading, it’s kind of fun I guess.”

“See, I knew you’d like it!" 

“No, it’s not the book. The book kinda sucks.” Kiki’s face slightly fell, but she had to agree. “Your presence is nice. It’s calming. We could be doing anything and I think I’d still like it,” Minhyuk mumbled. Kiki noticed his cheeks flushing and his head was turned away. 

Minhyuk finally met Kiki’s eye, “Cuz it’s you.”

Cuddle

Kiki was lonely. Cuddle-horny as she called it. Desperate for some attention, she relayed this feeling to her group chat, though they responded predictably.

GO AWAY KIEr

YOU'VE HAD MORE BOYFRIENDS THAN I WILL IN MY ENTIRE LIFE

awww kiki if I could id comfort youuuuu

S I N G L E C L U B

Sighing, her hand hovered over another contact, but Kiki quickly dismissed the idea. Hoon would be busy with his work. She couldn’t trouble him just because she wanted a good hug. Letting out a long sigh, Kiki threw herself against her bed.

Ten minutes went by, to the girl, ten long minutes of no human comfort. Damn French Guy. Her phone buzzed, a part of her thought it was the group chat, lamenting over their forever-single state but the name ‘Hoon’ was on the notification.

Want to come over? Got the afternoon off bc yoon got sick and now we can’t focus on learning the new song.

Kiki didn’t waste a second replying, throwing on a jacket, and booting it to Hoon’s house. She arrived soon enough and was greeted by an enthusiastic Haute. Kiki gladly gave him all the belly rubs, and Hoon soon appeared. He wore a loose white shirt with a random logo on it, and black sweatpants.

“Glad you could make it,” he walked closer to pick up Haute.

“Me too,” Kiki mumbled under her breath. “Got…any plans?”

Hoon scratched the back of his neck, “Ah not really. I was just thinking we could hang out, catch up. I’ve been busy, we haven’t seen each other in a while.”

Kiki grinned, “That’s perfectly fine.” She could use the conversation, the human contact. “Can we just sit on the couch or something?”

Hoon grabbed some drinks and Kiki sat on the couch, putting the TV to a random channel that they wouldn’t watch anyways. Hoon sat next to her.

“Is Yoon okay? What happened?” Kiki asked.

Hoon took a sip of his drink before answering. “He got laryngitis. We tried to go over the music, but he really wasn’t feeling well so he went home for the rest of the day. We got let off too because none of us could focus.”

“Is he resting here?”

“Nope, I meant home, home. He’s with his parents. They got pretty worried and asked if he could come home for a bit. I think they also didn’t want me to catch it too,” Hoon replied.

Kiki nodded, “That makes sense. It would be super unfortunate if you both got it.”

The two found themselves inching closer until Kiki was leaning into Hoon’s broad chest, and Hoon had nearly all of his limbs wrapped around her. Kiki found that they were breathing in sync and even though no words were said, it was still so engaging.

They conversed through contact, and a few hums here and there. Hoon was warm, and his hold on Kiki was tight. Kiki buried her face into the crook of his neck, feeling as if she could fall asleep. Haute came to join them, wedging into a space between their stomachs.

Cuddling with Hoon really felt nice, his limbs, while lanky, were perfect for wrapping around Kiki. He was considerate if something felt uncomfortable, and every so often they’d whisper about something, and he’d laugh. His laugh lit up his entire face, and his smile was permanently stuck. It was a quiet laugh, but somehow his entire body would jerk with every little sound.

Hoon felt the same way, because Kiki became really happy when they cuddled. She’d snuggle close and trace little patterns on the nearest available surface. In all of her beauty she seemed so at peace, and so graceful just in his arms like this. 

“Thank you.”  

@red-dyed-sarumane: A K IR E SENPAI! im sorry if this is sudden, but! i couldn't leave you out, and i definitely didn't live vicariously through your story and that ISNT the reason why it's the longest nope haahhaahhhaha. really, thank you for putting up with me and my rants or whatever, and letting me talk to you a ton! i'm glad i was also able to meet so many new utaites. ageyuki hell here i comeeee. you're so kind and explain lots of things in detail which i appreciate. i hope we're able to talk even more in the new year! thank you so much. 

If u don't understand some of the jap (tho u are vv smort so I bet u will) or if I made mistakes (bc I definitely did fuCK particles man) pls tell me. Also I used ur mom sorrrryyyyy. AGAIN I HAD NO IDEA WHERE I WAS GOING WITH THIS JUST RELISH IN THE FACT THAT U SAW MAFFU

Concert 

It was agreed upon the international Utaite fans that they suffered. Just barely grasping onto the blessed, but few, translators of their twitters, videos, and songs. Paying more for shipping than the actual product, and looking desperately into screens, unable to see their true face. Concerts were a dream, because going to Japan at the right time, and even buying a ticket would be difficult. Few people had the money, time, or permission to do it. Livestreams were almost never when they were awake, and even if they were, it’s not like there were subs to explain anything.

The salvation were the compilations the singers did of their concerts, with blurred out faces and some clips of them singing on stage as the audience held out their light sticks. Many tried to learn at least a little bit of Japanese, but they talked quite fast, and a few (*coughs* mafu) didn’t annunciate properly.

They were fighters really, being a fan for a long time, willing to burn holes through their pocket just to get an album, and loving the Utaites, even if they didn’t understand most of what was going on.

“You don’t know what they’re saying!”

“You’ve never seen their face!”

The fans heard those kinds of phrases far too often. It irked them, because music was so much more than the words, and pretty faces didn’t mean you couldn’t appreciate their abilities.

Akire was one such fan. She was smart, and worked hard to understand even a little bit of what the Utaite’s were saying. And, if there was anything worse than being a fan of an Utaite, it was being a fan of multiple Utaite. It was album after album being released, and live and live happening, and all the international fans could do was watch and wish.

It was one fateful day, when her mother, and told Akire the news.

“Well, it’s been a while since we’ve traveled, and I’ve been wanting to see the cherry blossoms in bloom for a while now!” she said through the phone. “So, we’re going to Japan! You like those Jpop guys, right?” Akire resisted the urge to correct her. “If there’s any concerts that are cheap, why not try to get tickets?”

Akire thought her heart would stop right there. They were going to Japan. She’d be surrounded by the culture of which so many things she treasured came from. Her mom would let her go to a concert. SHE COULD GO TO A CONCERT. Akire hastily opened Twitter and checked for any news of a concert over the spring break.

Yukimi and @gain were still relatively new and low key, so there was no word of a concert from them. Sou was working on an album, though no lives were being planned during the time. XYZ was having concerts, but they were just after Akire would be in Japan.

Akire would feel so unfulfilled if she didn’t go to a single Utaite concert when she had the opportunity. She scrolled mindlessly through Twitter, hoping that maybe someone would be hosting something she could attend.

A notification popped up. Akire clicked on it, half expecting the stupid ‘in case you missed it’ thing that Twitter did. It was from Mafumafu, and Akire didn’t even have to open the tweet fully to see the mass of exclamation marks.

It only took a quick skim to realize that Mafumafu was hosting a live. Akire quickly opened up the picture to check the dates. The 2nd of March, and the 7th, 12th, and 15th.

Fumbling to open her phone, Akire quickly texted her mother, When do we get to Japan?

Six painful minutes went by before her phone buzzed. She checked it the instant the screen lit up. Night of the 12th.

Akire checked the information again, she could make the last show! Crap, when did the tickets go on sale. She combed through the characters of Mafu’s tweet, trying to pick out the relevant ones, though there were still some she didn’t know. A quick Google Translate confirmed that tickets indeed went on sale at 8 o’clock a.m. Japan time. Which was, with the help of Google once again, in twelve minutes.  

Practically throwing her laptop across her room, Akire went to fetch her wallet which was left in a coat pocket. She sent a text explaining the tickets to her mom, and hopped she could read through the typos.

Dashing back upstairs, Akire clicked on the link provided. It took her to a website in complete Japanese. Akire just barely navigated through it, and occasionally had to look up various details, because business kanji was definitely not her forte. She was old enough to go alone (and she hopped her parents agreed with her because she was going to this live) and the tickets were at a mere 4500¥, which was around $40 US.

Praying to the Wifi Gods, Akire paid as fast as she could, she didn't even have time to check where the seats were, other information could be researched later. All that mattered was getting the tickets before they sold out or something.

And then Akire breathed, because she was going to see Mafumafu live.

~~~

In the previous month Akire had practiced Japanese much more intensely. Though the show would likely consist of mostly music, he would still MC a lot, and she wanted to understand as much as possible.

The venue wasn’t the biggest (it seemed they saved big venues for AtR concerts) but it still held around 2,000 seats and from what Akire could see, it was full. Her seat was relatively close to the stage, maybe six or so rows back.

Akire was excited; seeing Mafumafu live, she would see his face! The entire experience seemed surreal, and her appearance stood out a lot compared to the other fans. But her appearance didn’t matter when the lights went down and vibrant music started to play. Akire knew this song like the back of her hand, of course he’d sing すーぱーぬこになりたいfirst.

Some of the people had actually memorized his little spiel at the beginning, and said it to speed, which Akire found very impressive. Some artists sounded strange live, because their voice in a microphone was different compared to a studio, with mixing done. Though Mafumafu certainly couldn’t replicate any of the heavily engineered parts of his songs, somehow his voice sounded better live. It was clear, and there was raw emotion within his voice. The high notes were so much more intense, and just seeing the music come out of his mouth was amazing. 

He wore white cat ears, but simple black jeans and a loose sweater. After the song ended, Mafu quickly introduced himself, “はあいまふまふですー！じゃみんなさん！楽しみにして？” The crowd cheered in response. “みんなさんも歌ってよ！僕が嬉しいになって！”

ドラマツルギー began to play, and Mafu said something a little too fast for Akire to pick up. She got the feeling it was something about “wanting to sing this song, but never recorded it.”

The night felt like a blur, the light sticks that bounced in front of her, with the stage lights going crazy especially during 罰ゲーム and ゴーストルール. The show was only two hours, but it felt like a long, blissful eternity. The music that always remained through the screen, orin her ears was finally live. It was finally there.

Akire could see his face, his full face. Even with all the live-action videos, or the strange DVD’s he released, seeing him like this felt it was the definite proof that Mafumafu wasn’t just some singer on the internet. He was real, and he was talented. His voice shook the theatre, even when covering the softer songs on an acoustic guitar, like いかないで or 水彩銀河のクロニクル somehow his voice just enveloped the theatre.

It felt like a dream. Mafu bounced around the stage, and answered a few questions from Twitter. Akire could make out most of the details.

“What inspired you to start singing?”

“At the time, there were just so many talented people online. They were singing and people really liked them. Soraru-san and many others were uploading at the time, and I enjoyed music. I guess I wanted to be a part of that.”

“What time do you wake up in the morning?”

“Well it depends, sometimes it's a good time like 8:00, but sometimes it’s super early like 6:00 – I THINK 6:00 IS EARLY, YOU GUYS ARE WEIRD – or sometimes it’s late like 12:00.”

“Where do you live?”

“Within my dreams.”

“What do you think about love?” 

“This question is kind of deep…don’t you think? I mean, there’s familial love, and I love my family a lot. To think they’d support me having this kind of job, it’s really amazing. And I love my friends, Amatsuki-kun, and Soraru-san, and Luz-kun, Urata-san, and Sakatan too. They’re precious. Of course, I love you guys as well! There would be no Mafumafu without you guys. Thank you so much for being here, for liking my voice and music enough to see me live! Please continue to support me!”

A staff member off to the side laughed, and encouraged the audience to ask about romantic love. Akire joined in the chant of “恋！教えて！恋！” in which Mafu only replied with a finger over his lips and cuing the next song.

Mafumafu ran through a few more songs before announcing the next one would be the final one. The music to ねこがまるくなったcame on, and it was undoubtedly the most energetic performance of the night. Mafumafu starting and ending with a cat song, how classic. Akire sang along, knowing every word, maybe not hitting every note perfectly but still doing her best.

The confetti at the end showered the audience, and Akire found that she was smack in the center of its trajectory. Accepting that she’d be pulling pieces of paper out of her hair later on, she cheered as Mafumafu thanked everyone for coming, and exited the stage. Akire thought she was dreaming, that this was something her mind had made up because she so desperately wanted to see this singer in real life. Though, the free pin that she was given on the way out, signed by Mafumafu himself, seemed to solidify the experience.

She had seen Mafumafu live.

alllright~~ this motherload of a post is FINALLY done i should've worked on school projects during this time but fuck that who carES (i care) 

honestly, thank you guys so much! i cant believe that I was able to meet all of you, it's really been a ride. i hope you found the story/stories amusing!! i'm sorry for any typos, incorrect facts or anything seemingly out of character(?? u guys arent characters) but hopefully no hard feeling are taken. 

I hope next year will be even better!

with love,

L 

P.S. honestly fuck you guys i cant believe i actually wrote all of this

[seokjins]

i really wish i could;v been in a better place for hoseok’s vlive but im so tired right now lik,e i’ve had at least one test every single week for the past 2 months and they’re in the courses which are incrediby difficult n are all graded off of tests. like . idk this is how it is in college (?) i guess but there’s so much to do and not enough time andi’m also anxious about college apps it’s so unreal and i feel like im gonan get rejected from every school i go to andi haven’t slept that much/that well this whole week becausei ‘ve been so stressed about friday because tmrw i have a big math test that essentially sets my final grade for the whole semester and i cannot get a B or it will ruin my transcript and im so awful w the material andthen a physics test on material that i barely know and last week i already had a physics test and thw week before that i had a math test AND an econ test and i’m such a poor test taker and i can’t stop thinking about how im gonna fail everything and not get accepted into the coleges i’ve worked my ass off for and i’m just so tired like physically tired emotionally tired mentally tired i wish i didn’t think so much about school all the time i literally hate the district that i’m in it’s killing me i’m so tired i want to enjoy things again like eating and dancing but i haven’t been eating well because i’ve lost my appetite even though i’m hungry and dance hasn’t been going well either i feel like such a failure lol i spend all this time dancing and it oesnt mean anything i still fucing suck but then my heart is tired and my whole body is tired i just want to go to sleep and never wake up like i dont enjoy things anymore the last time i felt so energetic was because of bts and not beause of myself i wish i could leave them so i can find some way to motivate myself and not be dependent and i wish i could stop hating bts bc im so jealous my whole life i’ve wanted what they have the dancing the family the people the fans the art being ableto do what makes me thrive and they have all that they have it they have it and i ‘m bitter about that i guess i dont hate them but; . theyre skinny adn attractive and have dancer bodies and im here being tired all the time i can’t even be happy for them anymore i wanted to hype up hoseok’s live so much but i still can’t bring myself to feel anything rn i just want to sleep but i can’t i have to study. i have to study. im sleepy. thingsdont make me happy anymore :( im tired.

[daehwins]

(cute ask thing) 2, 10, 12, 13, 14, 17, 20, 23, 28, 34, 46, 51, 52, 57, 60, 66, 75, 94, 99 and 100 (have fun)

w.yaaa hey sweetie ilu thank u for this and keeping me occupied when im supposed to be sleeping dfshdhj. @haeochan

2).  do you like the feeling of cold air on your cheeks on a wintery day?

no! unless im rlly warm then im up for it, but most of the times im freezing and dying, plus i dont like cold air in general bcs its hard for me to breathe in hwds.

10).  do you sleep on your back, side, or stomach?

i’m more or less an octopus?? i like to roll around and wake up frequently during the night and cant stay still. i start out on my side tho and most of the time wake up on my side or stomach.

12). what's your favorite planet?

i never rlly thought out this tbh?? i dont kno much about the solar system so wdsb.. mayb pluto bcs its not a planet anymore and im salty about it

13). what's something that made you smile today?

you. and the people around me, today was rough but the people i surround myself with definitely made it much easier to process.

14).  if you were to live with your best friend in an old flat in a big city, what would it look like?

okay so first off it would be with u. and idk?? like i can imagine a small and warm place full of blankets and soft decorations and lighting and pastel colors bcs i love pastel colors?? and animals bcs we boh love animals!! and kpop shit everywhere bcs im a mess but u would probably fite me until i cleaned up after myself!! tbh.. i would be happy with anything as long as i could be with u...

17) . what color do you really want to dye your hair?

it used to be red, but now its soft/pastel pink!! or silver or blue or anything tbh bcs i rlly am tired of my hair.

20). what’s your favorite eye color?

i dont rlly have one?? i like eyes in a person (?? that sounds weird but like.. i feel like eyes tell a lot about a person and theyre rlly pretty) like.. i like all colors in eyes tbh..??

23). what's your favorite thing to do on lazy days where you have 0 obligations?

sleep?? eat?? watch meme videos, talk aboout ocs, and talk to u my honey bunches of oats (haha my job is to eMBARASS U FUCCER)

28).  sunrise or sunset?

sunset bcs im lazy as hell and hate being up early as i wake up everyday before sunrise bc sof school.

34).  tell us about the stuffed animal you kept as a kid. what is it called? what does it look like? do you still keep it?

i have soooooooooooo many! but a rlly special one is a ratty old dog named puppers! i got him from a mission store when i was probably 4 or 5..? with my grandmother. hes rlly special to me and i keep him very close to me when i sleep bcs hes a large comfort to me, hes been through everything with me adn i plan keeping him as long as i can!!!

46). tell us the worst pun you can think of.

i would but that would be a PUNishment.

51).  think of a person. what song do you associate with them?

you and spring day - bts. its one of my favorite songs and the lyrics just remind me of longing to meet someone one day that i miss dearly.

52).  what are your favorite memes of the year so far?

all of them??

57).  go listen to bohemian rhapsody. how did it make you feel? did you dramatically reenact the lyrics?

lol i listened to the pentatonix vers. after today it makes me feel kinda weird lyrically wise.. i dont view it as the uppbeat song that everyone sings to.

60). do you like poetry? what are some of your faves?

i love poetry!! i especially like to write free verse poetry. (i might add more later)

“Funeral Blues” - W.H. Auden

(last two stanzas)

“He was my North, my South, my East and West,My working week and my Sunday-rest,My noon, my midnight, my talk, my song;I thought that love would last forever: I was wrongThe stars are not wanted now: put out every one;Pack up the moon and dismantle the sun;Pour away the ocean and sweep up the wood,For nothing now can ever come to any good.”

66).  what would your ideal flower crown look like?

i have no idea tbh?? probably soft pink and blues?? idk about specific flowers

75). tell us about your pets!

i used to have a cat names rascal when i was very little! then various fish! now i have a black lab named addie! i love her very much and affectionately call her demon dog lol.

94). who was the last person you know to have a birthday?

some girl in my latin class was today but she didnt show up lol

99).  list some songs that resonate to your soul whenever you hear them.

UHM ILL HAVE TO COME BACK TO THIS ONE WHEN IM NOT HALF ASLEEO SRRY.

100).  if you were presented with two buttons, one that allows you to go 5 years into the past, the other 5 years into the future, which one would you press? why?

the future. i feel like the past is the past and its done, ive made my amends to what has happened and its done.i want to know where i am in the future and if i made it and am satisfied with where i am!