#but if he strips me and sees self harm im gonna be in so much trouble

[honeyed-disgraceful]

The balcony is 2here I go be insane and procrastinate

[m4dm4yhem]

WASN’T MEANT TO HAPPEN

DESCRIPTION: YOU ALWAYS THINK ABOUT BAD THINGS, SAY ‘ that’s not gonna happen to me’ UNTIL IT DOES.

WARNING: STILL BORN BABIES, SELF SABOTAGING BEHAVIOR, SELF HARM, TRANSPHOBIA

___________________________________________

“ I’ll be back after this sticky situation is solved…” chris gave an awkward smile at his phone; as he hit the send button, and then he shut it off; he looked down at his underwear; his eyes focusing on the dark scarlet color that was sitting in the seat; “ is this supposed to..” his body was shaking as he realized what this must mean; was he going to lose his kids? was this karma for letting his hormones get the better of him? the poor boy was mostly ignorant to how his words came across, and his phrasing went uncared about for a long time. he didn’t think he was untouchable because of the pregnancy; that was a common misconception on his words; even prior to his pregnancy he had no idea what to do. was this something he could fix? it didn’t seem like it.

tears wielded in his eyes, and he finally pulled himself up off of the toilet; only being on it because he felt something drop into his boxers; he couldn’t deal with this right now. he didn’t want to deal with this right now, his head wasn’t screwed on all the way ever since he had seen that first positive test; his hormones were out of wack. everything was just wrong, now it felt even worse as he began to think about everything.. then the pain hit, … when he first acknowledged it.. it was just a mild discomfort but as each second passed it was even worse, worse than getting slammed down into ten floors.. worse than getting stabbed multiple times.. both than anything he had ever been through.

what did this mean? was he going to lose his babies? he didn’t want to think about that. he didn’t want to lose the children he hadn’t even met yet but still loved so much, he couldn’t breathe.. as he stood to his feet and pulled his boxers back up; grabbing his phone, the screen flashing on.. and that’s when his eyes settled on the break up paragraph Miya had sent him; “ oh.” his eyebrows rose; his heart dropped.. and his sweat ran cold; “ I..” he didn’t know what to say; but he knew he couldn’t figure out how to respond to that right now.

abandoning his phone back on the bathroom sink; he hurried back to his room, to slip shoes on.. he was alone for the time being. he had to handle himself right now, make sure he got out the apartment, make sure he was good.. and have a safe trip to the hospital. he hurried back to grab his phone too; no intention to text back.. as he saw the messages fly down his screen; people talking in the groupchat.. miya mostly wondering where he was and why he wasn’t responding to her.. he didn’t feel too good, but… still managed to send her a quick “ im here. I’ll send your ring soon. Please be patient…” and after that message was sent; it was like he blacked out; because next thing he knew.. he was down the stairs, in a taxi… and hauled in a wheelchair.. and then a hospital bed, stripped of his clothes and put in a hospital gown.. was having a baby seriously this painful? so much pain you black in and out?

he didn’t think he was going to remember this large amount of pain he was in. he didn’t think he was going to be able too.. the way he could feel his inside stretch to push the first one out.. and then he had to do it all over again.

it hurt.

_____________________________________________

after he had to give birth to his daughters, alone… it wasn’t long before the nurses informed him they were still born, “ oh.” his eyebrows rose; “ I had… kinda wondered why they didn’t cry.” he blinked back the tears as it settled in.. he wasn’t going to leave this hospital with his twins; he was going to go home alone.

“ wow..” he took a deep breath and then looked up at the nurse.. who offered him a look of sympathy. “ can I… just see them?” he closed his eyes.. a single tear running down his cheek. “ I wouldn’t recommend it.” the nurse winced, “ i… it’ll be better for you if you just… didn’t.” “ please.” he persisted, “ im supposed to be a… a father? …mother? I don’t know, but I popped those kids out my fucking vagina the least you could do is let me see them.” his tone was much more full of attitude than he wanted it to be, and he flinched from his own words “ im sorry.. I didn’t mean too..” trailing off from his words; chris clenched his hair; tears running down his face. “ im… im so sorry.”

the nurse offered him another look of sympathy; “ don’t worry about..it, you just lost your children. I don’t blame you at all.” her face softened and she nodded her head; “ we’ll bring them in. “ before she left; closing the room door behind her; and chris let out a sigh he didn’t even know he was holding in. “ i dont…” he muttered to himself, “ well.. i can go back to being my happy cheerful self after this.” he shook his head as he laid down on the hospital bed; “ the question is how.” his eyebrows relaxed; “ I was really looking forward to being a mom.” he spoke softly to himself

“ things come and go… maybe this is all apart of god’s plan.. maybe he’s punishing me for being transgender.. “ all the things his mother used to say to him flooded his mind; how he was going to hell for having these sinful thoughts; and he’d get karma in the eyes of god and jesus christ when the day comes… because he wasn’t a man, he was a woman.

“ this is all my fault. im so sorry..” at this point he didn’t even want to see his babies; convinced he had failed them. that he had failed everyone around him. because he lost the very two people that everyone was so excited to meet, this was his fault whether someone disagreed or not..

my fault…

I lost them..

god I deserve everything that’s coming to me.. but why did you have to take it out on my kids?

why-

“ here they are..” the nurse had rolled in two of the hospital’s tiny cribs from the nursery, completely pulling chris from his thoughts.. she didn’t want to pick them up.. at first, she hated infancy death.. but this was a struggling mother who just lost two babies, so she picked them both up.. giving the two small ones to chris; who just stared at them. “ do you..” she trailed off, wanting to ask if the poor struggling mother.. wanted time alone. “ yes.” his response was soft, barely above a whisper..

he didn’t watch as the nurse left; he didn’t even hear her leave.. he was mostly focused on.. what was supposed to be the happiest moment of his life; actually being the most depressing one. “ im sorry.” he muttered, giving a kiss to one infant; turning his attention to the other one; “ im sorry.” he repeated; pressing a kiss to the other baby. he had never felt like such a failure in his life… there was no bigger failure in life, in his opinion than this loss.. his mind jumbled with the those stupid ‘ what if’s it was gonna drive him crazy.. it was driving him crazy.

“ im alone.” he muttered; “ i…” he muttered to himself; “ wow..” he leaned back in the bed; looking down at the two children, they were girls. they had on the pink small little hat that he assumed meant they were girls, “ you two look like him.” was he crazy? talking to the babies he had lost. “ naomi here only has my lips.” his voice was soft; gentle.. he always promised himself he’d be a gentle parent.. never be like his mom. now.. he would never have that chance. never have the chance to be a good parent.. “ would I even have been a good one? my pregnancy I was pretty shitty.” he huffed; “ whoever prayed on my downfall… won I guess.” he shifted in the hospital bed.

the poor boy didn’t know what to do, didn’t know who to run too. he didn’t think he wanted to run to anyone… he looked over at the hospital small table; where nurses had left his belongings; his clothes in a small plastic bag; and his phone was slowly falling out of that bag, it kept ringing.. and it was making this moment worse, because he got the urge to check it. “ sorry.. miya.” he leaned down to kiss the baby that was nearest his left; as he carefully tried to move in order to grab his phone from the bag.

seeing just how many messages he had missed during the depressing moment of giving birth to two babies that were already dead inside him; he tapped on one icon where he was met with the message from his now ex fiancé “ where’s chris? i miss him..” and that was quickly followed by a “ nvm.. im supposed to hate him!” his lips thinned out and he sighed before typing out a short “ im here ^_^.” before cutting his phone off and putting it back where he got it from. this was depressing. especially naming one of the babies after his ex; even though he was fully aware she had broken up with him. “ i can’t go back.” he sighed. “ I don’t want to go back.”

_____________________________________________

and honestly? he didn’t. he had apologized for how he acted and sent peter a private apology as well; but after that, he wasn’t really heard from… he saw the texts he recieved; from miya, his peter, mya, naomi, clementine, etc. saying things he never really read; unless it was them just asking for confirmation he was alive, which he would thumbs up the message and leave it at that.

currently; it was two in the morning.. and chris was drinking.. a normal occurrence ever since he lost his babies. that was the only thing consistent in his day to day life was taking his testosterone medicine.. and drinking; which he knew was just a waste of his medicine.. that he was going against his doctor’s wishes and his doctor’s advice.. to quit after picking the medicine back up after he had… finished his pregnancy.

but alcohol was the only way he could forget; even for a second that… in the graveyard that was just down the street from his apartment complexion.. laid the bodies of his daughters. daughters that he hadn’t even let the father know were dead yet.. well, everyone probably thought he was dead.. the ones that stopped texting anyways.

“ hey..” came a soft voice from beside him; he looked up from his ninth shot of the night; he jumped when he was met with the eyes of someone who reminded him so much of his sister’s ex’s new girlfriend.. as well as his ex girlfriend’s brother; when the person in front of him saw his face; they also jumped. “ chris?” their voice in pitch went higher; and their tone was so gentle… which made his brain automatically say it was aniya’s girlfriend, giselle. “ oh uhm… giselle..hi..” he covered his face with one of his hands; giselle’s eyebrows furrowed as she looked over chris’ attire; it piqued her interest she wasn’t gonna lie; but the vibe was so off “ are you okay?” her eyes were fogged with why chris could only assume was her own hurt, he didn’t exactly wonder why; he couldn’t care less. “ what are you doing here? everyone’s worried about you…” giselle didn’t usually keep up much with things outside of her own studies, or her relationship with aniya.. well.. mostly just her studies now.. but she heard the news that chris had gone AWOL. so seeing him here was a surprise.

“ i don’t really wanna talk about it…” chris looked giselle up and down before looking back down at the empty glass where he had just taken his shot; “ hey giselle?” he spoke up softly; “ mhm?” her eyebrows rose; “ are you… like… are you.. how do I say this without sounding rude or ignorant..” he sighed; “ are you gonna ask if I’m trans?” giselle tilted her head and laughed, “ that’s a common question.. surprisingly.. I think I have very masculine features.. and my voice doesn’t really hide anything.. but yeah, im non-binary, I just prefer more feminine terms.” she shrugged; a smile present on her face; she got the hint that chris didn’t really want to talk about why he had gone missing and she could understand that. “ why?” she raised an eyebrow; and chris looked at her eyes and then his gaze dropped for a second. “ no reason… so.. what are you.. doing here? bars like this are usually for single niggas… not niggas with girlfriends.”

“ i could say the same to you; but I suspect we’re in a similar boat.” giselle shot back; not intended to be a rude way but her tone was something she couldn’t control all that well; “ ah? aniya break up with you?” she nodded, “ said she couldn’t get naomi out of her head.” giselle shrugged her shoulders; “ I don’t… mind it though; I’m not mad. naomi is really cute. “ “ yeah…you’re cute too though.” chris couldn’t say that without feeling sick; especially because giselle looked so similar to his sister’s boyfriend and he never enjoyed talking highly of those his sister was around. “ and if aniya can’t see that… then she can kill herself honestly..” chris said bluntly; “ I’ll send her a tutorial on it too because I’m damn near off the deep end too.. I need to get laid before I lose all my fucking sanity.” chris turned to the bartender; “ uhmm… six shots of vodka… please.” chris spoke; seemingly ready to move on from the words he just spoke but giselle couldn’t really find words to respond to that; her mind was going crazy.. because she needed to get laid too; her and aniya had only gotten intimate one time, throughout their two year relationship, and now that she was out of it her hormones had gone insane over the last few weeks; “ well… uhm..” she started; “ do you wanna…” she trailed off; trying to offer chris some form of sexual relax; and his head perked up; which let her know he picked up on her question; “ giselle…. uhm… giselle you’re very sweet to offer that… but… no thanks. “ he winced; “ to be brutally honest you look like kamron.. and he’s this dude who’s dating my sister and I’d feel like i just fucked my sister’s partner.” thinking about that.. made him not even want to take the shots anymore.. now that he brought kamron up.. looking at giselle just reminded him of naomi more than when giselle had said her name earlier.

“ can you just..” chris went into his wallet, putting some money down to pay for the shots he just had, as well as the ones he suddenly felt too sick to down, right as the bartender went to hand them to him; “ no… you can just.. give them to anyone else.” he shook his head; before he said his goodbyes to giselle and left the bar..

still shaking at the idea of having sex with giselle, all he could think about when he thought of her.. was kamron and it honest to god made him sick.

“ maybe.. maybe if she let her hair curl back to normal… I’d let her hit but besides that… I can’t do it.” he spoke softly to himself; “ she’s cute and I want it really bad but there are like a million people in New York! I don’t need to fuck her.” he added on;

“ I’ll find literally anyone else… it won’t be hard.” he shook his head.

_____________________________________________

it wasn’t hard.. to find someone else to have sex with; chris was a catch.. and very attractive; the hard part in his eyes was finding someone his body didn’t reject.. he had come close several times but the second he was alone with these strangers.. man or woman he became to get cold feet; and after the fourth time this happened to him; he realized he couldn’t… do it, with someone he didn’t have some form of connection with.

so.. instead of sex; he turned to self harm. whenever he felt horny.. it made him think of his exes; and then down it would remind him of the pregnancy and then this heavy feeling would intrude in his chest and stomach… with no way to get out.

his brain screaming at him about how much he deserved it because he was such a fucking asshole and in turn… lost his kids… lost everyone.

“ im so stupid.” he muttered to himself; this was a normal thing now… talking to himself.. “ im so… “ the blade slid down his wrist, tears blurring his vision. why did he have to get be extra needy that night? why did he keep the babies? maybe… if he just got an abortion then he’d be cool, right?

the more he thought about it; the more he dragged the blade down his wrists; he felt like he couldn’t fucking breathe, his mind turning back to how this was his fault for being trans; how if he was a good girl and stayed how god intended him to be.. he’d have those girls with him still.. and he wouldn’t be so alone..

he squeezed his eyes shut, a thick tear spilling down as he stopped.. before he cut too deep.. and then ended up accidentally killing himself… no matter how much those thoughts kept him up at night.. he didn’t want to die, not yet.

he wanted to say bye first… chris pushed himself up; and went to grab his phone; his first call being to miya; as she was the first contact she had seen, she picked up nearly immediately; bombarding him with questions; asking if he was okay and where he was.

“ im fine.” he let out a weak chuckle; “ im.. sorry for going ghost so long… i… was going through a really bad time… uhm… I had a…misconception..” he didn’t wanna say the actual word; that would fuck him up right now. he needed this to be a happy moment… he needed to be happy right now. “ in the hospital.. y’know? but… I just.. wanted to call and let you know I’m… i think I’m okay.”

he wasn’t.

he knew he wasn’t.

he just… needed to take this slow.

ease back into everyone’s lives.

that way, he could properly say goodbye.

[rhaaclaws]

HI rhaast ^_^ throws these numbers at you 9, 25, 30, AND 56 :]

9. Fave fight?

KC AND METALLICA MY BEST FRIENDDDDDD listen its gross but thats one of the things I love about it. like the bullshittery and the thought process from each fighter AND MY FRIEND KCCC WOOOOO its so good I rewatch it so fucking often [and then cry at ep28 to humble myself] Another one of my fav fights is Bites The Dusts and Made In Heaven because these two terrify me sooo much like THE HORRORS. BTD with how I was constantly worried shaking and crying over who was gonna die [and listen. you didn't hear it from me but when I thought rohan was gonna die I was CRYINGGGGG like tears down my face it was kind of gross] and MIH is just auauhghghghgh the HORRRORSSSSSSSS like what the fuck.... it did everything it had to do RIGHT but it hurt so fucking much and that damn ending. makes me want to explode anyways teehe "you daughter is your weakness" Dies

25. Stand ability you think wasn’t used well enough in the series?

Sorry for focusing so much on diu and va I'm just silly BUT. Love Deluxe, Purpy haze and Spice girl. first off ik this is more of just the character instead of stand but shhhhh Yukako could've bodied fucking everyone in that damn cast she'd get kira in one hit as she should! PURPY HAZEEE this is obvious but Please pelsepolease I need to see him again I'm so devastated WITH THAT COOL ASS THEME TOO..... BRUH... anwyays Spice Girl my best friend he could've also done it all but noooo. Whatevers.

30. Rank your order: Jojo main villains

ok im exceptionally bad at ranking things BUT I have two lists, villains I Like and how much they scare me. In terms of who I like

Diavolo [toxic slutch privileges]

Dio [sorry hes just such a bad bitch]

Kars [she's my best friend, not really a villain but deserves to be on here]

Pucci [Many thoughts but I trust my friends like Quintus to do him justice, pucci is funny though but please go to therapy instead of projecting]

The bitch who shall not be named

I JUSTS RELAIZESXD IO FORGOT KIRA. I PROMISE ITS NOT ON PURPOSE I WAS JUST LIKE HMMM WHO AM I MISSING FROM HERE BUT PKFSDFKJHGSDFLKGJSFGJKHSFG IM SORRY I DONT SEE HIM AS A CHARCATER HES LIKE. AN ENTITY BUT NOT IN A FUNNY KARS WAY HE ONLY SCARES ME I DONT CARE ABT HIS CHARACTER anyways these r the ones that scare me [With Kira]

Kira [i think hes the best jojo villain in terms of playing his role and bringing that awful unsettling feeling that shit is WRONG]

I'm gonna be honest everyone else is under here in near the same level because I'm only really scared by kira. pucci isn't scary for me bc i was raised around Catholics, whats he gonna do? preach to me? kars is my friend and everyone else id have no way of meeting bc I'm in Mexico yall stay safe though 🙏

56. Any headcanons?

LITERALLY SOOOOOO MANYYYYYYY im only gonna mention some that im obsessed with rn bc its so much dude I have a google docs just for the main p5 cast and its like. 4 pages long

anywaysssss

Akira and Yukako are siblings its true to me it happened and its real like they're SOOO SIBLINGS. they are going to the powerlines and throwing bricks at it and causing electrical damages I could talk about them for hours

I RLLY LIKE THE ONE where the reason Jolyne can turn her midriff into a Mobius strip for the strings is that Jotaro was so traumatized from seeing Kakyoin having a hole in his stomach he passed that trauma onto her and it was a form of protection so she'd never have to go through that again. there's this one post from a couple years ago that says this beautifully but i don't think i can find it

anyways. funny one next: Tiziano almost exclusively uses toxic paints because "theyre the best quality" best friend that's mercury you're snorting

Fugo cut those holes as a way to 'stay clean' from self harm and as a reminder that he's not touched. victim to victim communication

ALSO i rlly like that idea that stands will manifest if the user is experiencing strong emotions [ex Giorno gets super excited and starts growing flowers around]

another stand based one is that when you get your stand they change something physical abt you [like Yukako's hair got wayyy long and thicker bc of Love Deluxe, Diavolo's eyes turned into that shattered green bc of King Crimson, shit like that]

Abbacchio had one hell of a gender adventure. the 'well I'm fascinated by femininity but I'm not a girl' to 'well i like being called a girl but by strangers by presumption' to 'Wait.'

I was talking abt this to Raph earlier but Reimi likes to scare ppl in the alley like that scene in Beetlejuice with the fucked up faces

She tried it on Yukako and she was like. Holy shit can you do that again?

This is bc Yukako is a horror fan through and through. her gay awakening and first movie crush was the girl from the ring SOBS

Also I see Yukako as a lesbian because her arc literally reminds me so much of comphet and the fucking lengths I've gone to be like 'wellll i Have to like men'

This is stolen from a rlly good fic but Akira was struck by lightning as a kid

Fugo is a fucking HATER. this is just canon but whatevs

I think its be fun for Mista to experiment with the Genderisms through drag

Trish and her punk album can be something so personal

Ok tahts rlly long but im always willing to give hcs on fucking. Anything bc my brain is so fat and juicy with intelligence 24/7 its so hard ANYWAYS THIS WAS FUN

[thornsofdeath]

phf rants

as i’ve made clear im rlly impacted by this book. dont mind my lowkey venting

damn this is long

mista's coldness towards fugo / the stadium scene as a whole

it really really hurt me to see mista treating fugo, his old partner, his old friend like a dangerous enemy. i know he had his valid reasoning, but that very specific kind of angst shatters me. mista had his gun pointed at fugo for the entire stadium scene, not wavering for even a second. the worst part? it seemed like mista was trying to purposefully incite fugo to snap by right out insulting him and his stand, saying he was glad when fugo didn’t get on the boat. it seemed like he was egging fugo on just so he had an excuse to kill him, to get one more thing off his list of concerns. fugo as a person meant nothing at all to mista. when mista said “kill these traitors, or we’ll kill you” i wanted to cry. mista goes on about hoe fugo is a massive threat because purple haze is unhinged and can wipe out the enitre population if he wanted. fugo politely corrects him, as PH only has 6 capsules and can only attack 6 times in a day. did i see myself in that scene and feel fugo’s pain of just wanting to be left alone and not have to think about the past or the future, silent and melancholic during intervention and just feeling like the only way out is to kms right then and there? thats a secret ill never tell.  phf makes me smad.

there were some little details in purple haze feedback that got me thinking as well. in the 6 months between fugo’s leave and his cold reuniting with mista, fugo was playing piano at a bar. Most of the people who bring this up refer to it as just some cool trick he could get because he’s a rich kid. he is not. in flashbacks, it’s shown that bruno only knows how to cope with distress by isolating himself and bottling everything up. god, did i feel that. sheila e’s life goal was to kill illuso (to avenge her sister) and swore her life to giorno after finding out he killed him, it’s ironic though because in reality fugo had killed him, and in the first part of the book, they weren’t exactly friends. 

another part that really just made me wanna sob and bash my head into a wall was seeing fugo’s pure self hatred. since he was a child, he had it drilled into his head that if he couldnt produce results, he was worthless. after being disowned and thrown into jail with no future, he was completely hopeless. even after bruno came and took him in, he was never free of his liabilities. no matter what he did, he couldnt help seeing himself as some monster, failure, and burden. (kinnie moment) it worsened when he had to abandon bruno’s gang, his only saving grace was bruno, his light, hope, and acceptance. now he was stripped of that, gripped in fear knowing too well that betraying passione would end horribly. deep in his heart he wanted so badly to join them, to join his found family, but the logic he had drilled into his own head of knowing that betrayal was foolish and futile wouldnt let him have his way. hes back on the streets, just like how he was (or wouldve been after getting out of jail) after being disowned. he got a piano gig at a bar, and let himself wallow in grief and depression for 6 months. throughout the events pf PHF, we still see him clinging to memories and trauma. they say “what you let consume you will define you”, and i couldnt begin to describe it any better. putting all of the guilt and blame on his own shoulders, feeling he deserved it all and more. 

either i wasnt paying enough attention (this bitch got some rereading to do) or the purple haze distortion scene was kinda underwhelming. his character arc felt kinda rushed, like most of the book was establishing his bad state and constant flashbacks, and then all of a sudden he has confidence in his abilities and believes in himself. of course, im overjoyed he did get growth, and had a happy ending (depends on how you interpret it). stan fugio

vittorio’s fascination with pain really got me feelin. hgghhhhhhhh hh hnnhhhhh. he describes it well, wanting to feel his life force/energy in the form of pain so that he didnt ‘go extinct’, and the writing of it just saying straight up ‘cutting himself’ ‘hurting himself’ ‘self harming’ made my skin crawl. as someone who suffers with shit like that its both painful and relieving to know a character who has similar habits, whether it’s for the purpose of activating his stand or just to cope. 

2 times in phf, fugo does some kind of suicide attack. of course, he survives both. it’s never made clear whether or not he intended to die/didnt mind dying as it was a way of accomplishing his mission, but either way it got me heavy breathing. the last one especially, when he bites a virus capsule to kill volpe. did he know he’d grown and purple haze would miraculously save him with his own genius plan, or was he going out with a bang? luckily for me it wasnt really gone over like ‘hey you couldve died from that are you doing ok mentally’ or else i mightve felt nauseous reading it. im all for angst, but idk how much more i can take when its day 87 of quarantine and im numb as fuck just waiting to break down. 

angelica’s stand night bird flying (is probably not that complicated im just fuckin dumb) made fugo and everyone else hallucinate/dream. in fugo’s dream, it was pretty much an ideal au.  he was permitted to see his grandma when she was near death (preventing the professor scene), met bruno (fisher boy with fisher dad) on a boat and they became friends, nara went back to school and was doing good overall, abba remained a cop but didnt do any bad things, the whole group was all just good friends having a fun time. god i would licherally sell my body and soul for them all to be happy like that and all live. 

the concept of abandonment also messed me up, just the feeling that everyone say fugo as someone who abandoned the group in their hour of need out of selfishness made me wanna cry angry sad depression tears. hes a good man! let him be ok and happy i will fight all fugo haters no cap

every time i think back to the fugio restaurant scene i just. idk man it hurts me. the pessimistic bitch in me says that it would be unrequited and fugo would only be more sad because even through his efforts, he’s just another pawn working for giorno. on the other hand, it makes me soft n giddy because?? omyfucking god giorno asks fugo to call him giogio when NOBODY ELSE IN THE BOOK had referred to him as that. the fuckin “if grief anchors your feet, let me share it” part makes me wanna jusyt. complete my kin transformation into fugo and be a sobbin g  shaking mess in his arms as he tells me its all gonna be ok. was that a vent? absolutely. anyways, its pretty damn special for the don of the mafia to invite you to breakfast at a fancy restaurant before the place opens and its just the two of you. giorno fixes fugo’s injuries and tells him that he’s proud of his growth, and that he knew fugo could do it. dude?????? if i didnt already know i was a lonely affection/affirmation/attention starved bitch that wouldve done it for me.

holy fuck that was longer than i expected it to be. i do feel better tho

[warmdesertair]

best the Mountain Goats lyrics?

i have no fear of anyone, i'm dumb and wild and free, i am a flightless bird and there'll be no more after me. (deuteronomy 2:10)

say your prayers to whomever you call out to in the night / keep the chains tight / make it through this year if it kills you outright (exegetic chains)

i hope you love your life now like i love mine / i hope the painful memories only flex their power over you a little of the time (you were cool)

buzzing razor held aloft, just about to strike / i loved you before i even ever knew what love was like (hair match)

spent too much of my life now trying to play fair / throw my better self overboard shoot at him when he comes up for air (heel turn 2)

i hide down in my corner because i like my corner / i am happy where the vermin play (amy a.k.a spent gladiator 1)

but i am just a broken machine and i do things that i dont really mean (cry for judas)

it's so good to learn that from right here the view goes on forever / and you'll never want for comfort and you'll never be alone (never quite free)

you were a presence full of light upon this earth / and i am a witness to your life and to its worth (matthew 25:21)

if not by faith then by the sword, i'm going to be restored (hebrews 11:40)

and flaming swords may guard the garden of eden / but we consulted maps from earlier days (san bernadino)

and it was hard but you were brave, you are splendid / and you will never be alone in this world no matter what they say / we're gonna be okay (san bernadino)

and along the highway where unlucky stray dogs bleed / wild sage growing in the weeds (wild sage)

some things you'll do for money, and some you'll do for fun / but the things you do for love are gonna come back to you one by one (love, love, love)

there's only one place this road ever ends up / and i dont wanna die alone (dance music)

down there in the dark i could see the real truth about me clear as day / lord if i make it through tonight, i will mend my ways and walk the straight path for all of my days (you or your memory)

there will be feasting and dancing / in jerusalem next year / i am gonna make it through this year if it kills me (this year)

this song is for the people who tell their families that they're sorry / for things they cant and won't feel sorry for (cotton)

sing for the damage we've done / and the worse things that we'll do (alpha rats nest)

i can feel it in the rotten air tonight / in the way those eyes ive always loved illuminate this place / like a trash can fire in a prison cell (old college try)

my insides are pink and raw / and it hurts me when i move my jaw / but i am taking tiny steps forward (absolute lithops effect)

i wish the West Texas highway was a mobious strip / i could ride it out forever when i feel my heart break (source decay)

my walk is real steady and my eyes are real cold / but i feel like im all of sixteen years old / i dont feel so tough (jeff davis county blues)

i drive slowly and evenly and dream about home (jeff davis county blues)

found that bench we'd sat upon a thousand years ago / when i felt such love for you i thought my heart was gonna pop / and i wanted you to love me like you used to do (the mess inside)

you find shelter somewhere in me / i find great comfort in you (riches and wonders)

i am healthy, i am whole, but i have poor impulse control / and i wanna go home / but i am home (riches and wonders)

bright light dancing along your eyes / and you covering your mouth up with your hand / bracelets jangled along your arm / no harm intended, no harm (Creature Song)

slowly, surely, i saw the whole story unwind / i had never loved anyone like i loved you / and i had something on my mind (going to port washington)

it must be cold outside / we looked out through the sliding glass door / but i'd forgotten what we were looking for (No, I can't)

and i am sick and tired of trying to figure out your gestures / i am sick and tired of wondering what your presents mean (teenage world)

there was rain, there was wind / there was spring coming in / and the feeling of approaching doom / i was happy to see you (historiography)

it was late and the night was moving slowly / we laid down on the grass because the world was lonely (noche del guajolote)

we had hot caramel sticking to our teeth / and the only love i'd ever felt burning underneath / i'm gonna miss you when you're gone (the recognition scene)

how do i know what i know? / where did our love go? / how come the river froze over this year? / what are we hiding here? (I love you. Let's light ourselves on fire)

i thought about how cold you must be / i thought about things i thought i'd soon be forgetting (new star song)

i'd just as soon make you disappear as look at you / but i draw you close to me / how do you feel about that? (snow song)

[moonofinfinity]

28.01.19

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=U4ja8054W5Y

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ERXind9P79w

This will be easy for you. You’re a strong-willed guy with appraisable resilience and you’ve said it multiple times already that you’re good at not caring, so i know this will be easy for you. Everyday ive asked for courage to do this. It seems like all the effort ive done to be better from back then has been slowly getting stripped off away from me violently and i know if this continues, one day ill be left with nothing and back to where i was.

You see, i think we both know that im the one who’s scared to let go. To let go of you. Again. I only realised that the other day. See, you can walk away anytime, because you can, that’s you. That’s your personality, who you can be. If i tell you to go, without hesitation you’ll go. But for me, because i still have you deep within my heart, i dont want to lose you again even if right now the only thing i have of you is a fragment— like a shard from a broken glass. A fragment that im holding onto so hard that blood would trickle down my hands from the broken edges. There were times when i would ask, ‘why did you come back’ and i did ask you that. Your answer didn’t suffice. I was selfish. It didn’t satisfy the whirlwind of thoughts in my head. But then again maybe it’s on me. For re-opening the doors as i did say in my letters that when you do decide to come back, i would be waiting with open arms. They were when you did. But you being around my arms again, it felt like you had thorns sticking out your body because it hurt. I didnt notice it at first, like it was only a small pinch. At the start it wasnt deep, superficial only. Then slowly it got more stronger, more disturbing. It began to prick my skin. The longer this went on, the thorns dug deeper, seeping through my skin until it reached the wound that was partially healed and tore it open once more like it was nothing.

There has been countless of nights where thoughts of you, her, you and her, would consume my nights and urge the tears to flow down. Some were just ugly fat tears and some were just proper breakdowns. I thought it didnt bother me. How you two got back together right after us. At the start it really didnt. I was grateful that you wanted to personally tell me and for me to know the truth. It hit me a few weeks later and oh did it hit. It was compromising my peace when im with you, and when im not.

We’re all selfish beings. Im selfish. Im weak. Im stupid. I admit all of that. I was strong enough to move on before, now i have to be strong to walk away. Walk away from something i once wanted so bad i could hardly think. Oh the irony. I should be ecstatic. Jumping in joy that you’re back in my life. However I’m being torn open, slowly, gradually. It’s taking away from me, when i had so little in the first place. What would be left if i give you my all? The only thing im going to say sorry for is not keeping my end of the bargain. We both said we knew what we were getting ourselves into- no expectations, no nothing. Let it run its course. Right? But actually as a matter of fact i didnt know what i was getting myself into. I wasnt fully healed yet when you appeared out of the blue. I thought i could get through this by pretending i didnt care, didnt give a shit. But unfortunately pretending to be heartless wasnt the answer. Not when i wasnt over us completely. So I’m sorry.

This will be easy for you, my Aden. How long ago since i last called you that. I was finally walking along side of you, even ahead of you. But now i feel like im back to where i was, where i couldnt even reach you no matter how hard i tried. I think i can finally say to myself, that i deserve a better situation than this. A situation where i don’t question where i stand. Whether i should reach out or not, or if im even gonna get a reply. A situation where im imagining the things you’re doing when you’re not with me and jumping into conclusions. A situation where im unsure of myself and memories of before haunting me. Memories of us, memories of you and her. A situation where i have to remind myself what i felt when i was left by myself, to re-live those scenes in my head in the hopes of hurting myself with reality. A situation where i have to imagine the two of you together so that i hurt myself to detach myself from my own feelings, for you. How sick is that. Would you consider it self-harming. I wonder. It might have been late but I know i dont deserve this. To do this to myself. I think i did though-realise this long ago. Instead of paying heed to it, i ignored it. Why? Because the idea that you missed me too to come back engulfed my selfish desires.

For a while ive been selling myself short. Saying to myself that i dont deserve you. I dont deserve the time you give me. Now, i think im strong enough to think what if we ask it the other way. Do I deserve this? I know I’m difficult to love, but I know I am worth loving.

Im a coward. Posting this here instead of messaging you, or telling you about it. I think it’s a defence mechanism, so i dont have to witness you walking away without hesitation. Now i dont know till when you’re going to see this. This is an accumulation of thoughts and wonders built not just in a day, a few to be exact. The barrier i put up strongly to not fall for you again, it’s been slowly being chipped away bit my bit and is on the verge of collapsing. So before it does, i need to do something to stop that from happening. Please don’t be mad. I doubt you will be actually but just leave me with the thought that you’d care one bit at least, okay? At least leave me with that.

I love you. So fucking much that it hurts you being here when i cant have you. Yes i did miss you. Every single time you asked if i did the answer has been always a yes, i did. Thank you for everything and i mean that from the bottom of my heart. I dont have to list the things i got, received, learned and experienced from you and with you, but thank you from the bottom of my heart. Thank you for being yourself while you were with me. For being unapologetic, for being you, for being Neal. My love, my Aden, I won’t ever forget you. Ever. This time im not going to say ‘maybe someday’ because I learned that the word someday is a dangerous word, because it’s just a code word for ‘never’. Another quote i saw about the word someday was from this guy called Tim Ferris and he said, “Conditions are never perfect. ‘Someday’ is a disease that will take your dreams to the grave with you. If it’s important to you and you want to do it ‘eventually’, just do it and correct the course along the way.” I’m not going to cling on the hope that maybe someday we’ll find each other again. I’m going to let life happen and if by chance we run to each other then ill let it be.

You didnt even have to read this. You have no obligation to me. We have no ties with each other, no responsibilities. It may even sound over the top to you, that im saying all of this when you and me were just ‘chill’. But these are my feelings that ive kept bottled up while being with you and it’s making me restless. This is the emotional roller coaster ive been through. I dont know if you’d feel guilty after reading all of this but do know that it’s not my intention to do so. I want to be honest, transparent. To say all the things I’ve been wanting to say ever since you came back that I never got to, because of the fear that once I do you’ll let go and leave me on air once again. This time maybe we’ll use a quicksand metaphor. The further I let myself sink, the harder it will be to get out. It’s a scenario where no one is there to save me, not even you, even though I let you threw me in that quicksand.

From this point on, I’m not gonna bother you anymore. I’m not going to bombard you with messages that you might not even read, might not even reply to. I’m not going to ask you to see me, to initiate a meeting that i feel like you’re being forced to go to. You’ve always been bragging about how you’re by yourself, so I’m going to fully fulfil that for you. Our memories from before, the memories you want to preserve so dearly, we’ll leave them alone as it is; memories. Whatever the future holds for you, that I will pray for. You are and have always been in my prayers, and surprisingly so is she. In fact I think I pray for her more than I do for you haha. Whatever the future holds for you, I will always be thankful that I got to be part of your life.

I want you to know this: I’m so thankful to have met you. God has taught me that every person that comes into your life is a lesson. And you were one of the lessons that I am so grateful for. I’m so thankful to have been with you, to know you. To have been with you through the most turbulent times of my life. To grow as person through you, with you. To have been supported by you, loved by you. You are a blessing that will always be in my heart. I will treasure all of that. You will always hold a special place in my heart and in my soul. I loved you with all my being, with all my strength, with all that I had. To the point that it left me with nothing. But I know this for a fact, that I fought hard. I loved harder than I have ever before in my whole life and I know that in itself is a victory and you are the subject of that love. No one can take that away from me, and no one can say otherwise.

See you never, Kiefferdenn.

to infinity and beyond,

to the moon and back,

— Rojaneel.