#but in this context it could be interpreted as a conversation with himself and omg aaaaa

[losver07]

was working on my wip and realised this scene is so wolfstar coded so ummm here ya go (sorry in advance for the awful translation lol)

also this is veeery long so i'm putting most of it under the cut

tw: mention of death, harsh(ish) lenguage

★

"Then came the ambulance and the police,” he murmurs, his eyes fixed somewhere in the room, mind showing him once again the image of Sirius' tired smile. "They gave me a blanket. I felt stupid in it."

John, observing him with deep eyes, full of compassion, nods. Remus figures he can't show it, the pity. That it's part of his job not being able to say Oh, you poor thing and that, instead, he must be professional. And it's not that John is bad at it, at hiding what he thinks; it's just the eyes.

It's impossible to lie with one's eyes. Sirius' always shine, even if he insists on wearing the blackest clothes.

Shined. Not anymore. And he doesn't dress in black anymore, it's Remus who has to mourn now, instead of him. And for him.

"How are you feeling?" the psychologist asks, and Remus makes an effort not to cry.

"I don't know," he answers, honest. He doesn't know what words to use. "Bad."

Not enough. John gestures at him to keep talking, to elaborate. He always does that. It's cruel.

Remus looks down at a ring he takes off his finger, and proceeds to watch it turn in his hands as he fidgets with it. It was Sirius'. Everything he owns was either his or reminds him of him in some way. Even the smallest of things, the silliest of details.

If only he could get rid of it all. If only he knew that'd make him forget.

"It's like I don't really believe this is real,” he says, without lifting his gaze from the steel ring. It's carved in a checkered pattern, a chess board that extends and hugs the owner's finger like a ribbon. It's not excessively visible but, if you brush your finger against the metal, you can feel the shapes against your skin, kissing your fingertips like he once did. That feels like so long ago, though. “I... I'm sad, obviously, but also angry. I think it was selfish of him."

Before it had been his, Sirius', the ring had belonged to Regulus. It had been silver then. Sirius turned it into steel when he'd received it from his brother, who got it from their father, whose father had gifted him it, and so on. It must be hundreds of years old.

"Selfish?"

He'll probably ask to be buried with it. If it's not worn on his left hand, it will be trapped on a chain around his neck.

"Yeah, I dunno," he shrugs. He doesn't know how to explain himself. He knows how he feels, he just finds it difficult to believe that anyone could understand it. He tries anyway. "He's gone and he's left us all here as if we didn't have enough problems of our own," he says. "Like, now I have to be myself, which is already tough enough, and also be him for James and Peter and Harry and... Oh, God, Harry..." He shuts his eyes. He needs to breathe. He closes his hand over the ring, and looks at John. "But I need him too. And I don't have him. I don't have anyone to treat me like he did. So, I don't know."

The therapist nods again. When he started the sessions, Remus thought it was weird that John didn't take any notes, like in the movies. It might sound stupid, but he imagined someone constantly writing on a notepad, making a record of every word that came out of his mouth.

It turns out John only uses his notebook to write dates and appointments down; that he actually listens to what he says, instead of analysing every sentence as if it were a mathematical problem.

He's been lucky, and he knows it. At least in this, he's been lucky.

"Do you feel responsible for what happened?" He asks, and Remus thinks about it for a second. Now that the unease has lessened, he's left with just the cold on the tip of his nose and the metal on his fingers. He misses hugging Sirius on cold days like this one.

"Yes," he answers. No point in lying.

John stares at him. Elaborate, he's probably thinking. He always looks at him like that when he wants to make Remus talk.

"I'm the one who was supposed to take care of him," he says then. "And, instead of that, what I did was use him to make him help me with my shit. And even after he's gone I'm still whining about him not being here to give me cuddles. I don't know. Maybe I'm the one who's being selfish.

The psychologist, whose diploma is Remus now observing, makes a face.

"Wanting love is not selfish, Remus," he says, so soft and kind it almost makes Remus feel small, vulnerable and about to break. Or already broken.

"But taking the love away from someone and keeping it to yourself is," he objects.

"You think that's what you did? Taking the love from him?"

"I don't know," he says, and before John can ask him to explain, he continues: "I think maybe if I'd made things right he'd still be here."

The air is still for a few seconds, both in the room and in the street across the window, as well as inside of Remus' lungs, who holds his breath in an attempt to make the ache on his chest go away. It doesn't work.

"It wasn't your fault that he suffered," Josh tells him, but he's been told so many lies he doesn't need to think to detect the lie.

"But it was that he didn’t stop suffering," he tells Mr Too Good For Taking Notes. He should've had that noted. "I should've done something. It's what I'd to have done."

John, wanting to understand but being apparently incapable of it, furrows his brows a bit. The expressions only last a second, and is not even that exaggerated, but Remus sees it anyway. The doubt.

"You think it was your purpose?" He asks. He acts interested. Sometimes he almost even makes Remus forget that he's paid for what he does. That he wouldn't be there if it weren't for the money. That he's got better things to do than...

"Helping him?" Remus asks, trying not to sound too aggressive, but probably failing. "Yes."

"And do you think you were, say, destined to save him?"

"Yes," he agrees. A bit cheesy his personal taste, but, yes, that's what he believes. Why lie, if he's not going to write it down, even.

"But, if it was destiny, how could you have avoided it?"

That feels like a boot to the stomach. He doesn't quite know wether it confuses him or it makes him angry but, either way, he doesn't know what to answer. Perhaps not having thought of it earlier is what irritates him and puts him, once again, in front of a mirror in which a disappointment shines.

He thinks for a bit. Then speaks.

"Trying harder," he says. "Being better."

"No, Remus; is not about trying," his confidant tells him, with a smile that could either indicate complicity or compassion. "You did all that you could, and more. And, still, you couldn't change it, nor can you now."

For some reason, that hurts. Rather, it stings. Both in his open wounds and his sore eyes.

"And what do I do?" He asks. His voice doesn't seem to want to know the answer, as it doesn't cooperate in making itself heard. He swallows and takes a deep breath, letting Sirius' ring slide back into his finger, where it should always have stayed.

"Think about what you did achieve," John offers, so careful it seems almost meticulous. "You made him happy for a time, you gave him peace. You made him feel safe, too. Confident. You helped each other. That's good."

"But he's dead," Remus says. He's not sure he's used that word since it happened. It's not likely, seeing how much it hurts pronouncing it. He's spent over a month circling around and avoiding one of those damned words, the ones that feel like mines in an already ruined field. He presses his lips and looks at John, cheeks wet with rivers of salty water. "That's bad."

"Yes," the therapist agrees. "That is bad."

[ihavenocarinsurance]

Akatsuki Headcanons:

Holding hands for the first time

When I say I am sick n tired of rereading the same old akatsuki smut shit I mean it. Don't get me wrong, shit is well written. I am simply not horny. At least not as much as sumn of us. So, here we have a cute, fluffy headcanon made by me at 5:08am randomly bc I said so

CHARACTERS: Deidara, Sasori, Itachi, Kisame, Hidan, Kakuzu

GENRE: fluff

READER: genderneutral

CONTEXT: established romantic relationship, however it is still very fresh

EXTRA INFO: Since I am doing this with no preparation other than angr my interpretation of the characters might not allign with your ideas which is fine but criticism is always welcome

Deidara

If there was a gif showing this mf red as a tomato I'd use that one because this fella strikes me as someone who would be shOCKED

Not because he didn't necessarily expect it. He is a smart bboi in his own way but yk how some people do not go easy with emotions like some others do? yh he doesn't-That's what is happening

he is overjoyed but also anxious but so relieved yet so shook

is he holding your hand too tight? is we sweating? should he stfu or maybe talk abt something? if that mf tongue slips-

You'll probably notice how he has gone from the deidara who never shuts up to something else. You don't know what it is, but it has two functional legs for sure so that's cool

lean on him, get closer, kiss him- idc just love this man. it WILL break him but pls just go ahead-

Sasori

I love this man omg

pls give this dude some affection he gets no bitches

but now fr, I do think that he is very good at keeping himself calm when thinking of fights throughout the entire series. However, the difference is that while he is used to calming himself when in serious trouble this situation is different. he isn't in danger nor does he have a problem but it is uncalm for sure

amused yet clueless because oi yes holding hands but hdjsjd what now- maybe a little more awkward

if you were to hold his hand while leaning against him when tired that would make the situation easier for him because of the purpose

but let's say you guys are walking and you grab his hand while walking next to him. yh i can guarantee you it will be awkward

might even just straight up ask wtf you're doing

maybe this is just me being so in love with him that I just crave him softly smiling and kissing his s/o's head but jdjzjdjsjs mf is short as hell my 5"7 ass can go home

Itachi

so prettyuyyays

he expected some sort of physical affection at some point bc well that is normal (ig?) and welcomes it happily

i just know that he has been craving love and connection and canon-canon Itachi would probably not even engage with anyone on that level but we are in the middle of a pandemic and dont need that, we need smth that makes us feel loved

while holding hands might not be his favourite type of physical affection i can see him even engaging with you in that way when you walk or sit next to one another, maybe also when you cuddle in bed

in comparison to sasori, this wouldn't really ever become awkward. He doesn't lack the talking skills and even works towards avoiding such awkward silences for your comfort

Kisame

Big hands, you're not holding those you're holding his two fingers in your hands bc how tf-

But we love us some big hands and Kisame

surprised at first but plays it cool. he'll prob won't even attempt to hide his surprise and just smile while he flirts or attempts to make you blush too

no matter when you'd attempt to hold his hand for the first time, you could be in the middle of a normal conversation and he would stop talking/listening and direct all attention to your hands

its kinda funny with how fast he switches from surprised n blushing, to looking and then flirting

the flirting/attempt to make you blush too is his way of making himself less anxious abt the situation. he shares his misery with you and you both just laugh it off

I can easily imagine him offering you his hand to hold in the future bc why the hell not

Hidan

"Hm? What is that about?"

genuinely clueless

its not because he doesn't enjoy physical affection but more like he just goes ???

does he prefer stuff like cuddling, hugging and kissing over holding hands? sure

but he acknowledges your courage and holds your hand more often in order to make you happy and not feel rejected or anything. besides y'all can take it slow

he'd def be the type to give you a kiss on the back of your hand every. single. damn. time.

tho unless holding hands is the only way of being affetionate he prefers doing something else while also holding your hand like cuddling, caressing your hair/back, kissing you, hugging etc

therefore you should expect some kisses after answering his stupid questions

Kakuzu

Man loves you but pls dont interrupt him

so let's say he is free and is simply existing. go ahead. hold his hand. he will probably just sigh but definitely hold your hand

depending on the situation this either leads to cuddling, hugging or another conversation (topic)

he prefers cuddling once both of you lay down to sleep after everything else is done however holding hands rarely rly stands in the way like you can walk perfectly while holding hands so why complain

holding hands is not really his favourite type of affection neither smth he really initiates like ever but he wouldn't reject you either

[patrocles]

hey!!! first of all i wanted to say that your alysmond fics are superb, your writing is great nd i’ll definitely stay tuned if you write anything else <3 secondly i know hotd discourse is dying (thankfully) but i wanted to hear how you think the show will handle aemond and alicent’s relationship, with the way they built up aemond’s character and the fact that he sort of “leaves her” in kl (at least that’s how many ppl interpret it, i’ve read f&b a while ago). would love to hear your insight on this

omg thank you so so much!!! i really love writing for them. the fic i'm currently working on is giving me such a headache in trying to pull together, so i may just scrap it and write this quick AU i've had rocking around for a while (if lyonel brought alys to KL with larys and harwin, but with alys and aemond closer in age) SO STAY TUNED

thank you for the question!

this is going to be very interesting to see on screen. i don't necessarily see it as him Leaving alicent, but trying to accomplish something to 'fix' things. if in s2, he sort of has these issues of internalizing guilt for "starting the war", that could definitely cause a bit of tension between the two of them.

like it's difficult, right, because alicent really wanted to fix things with rhaenyra and this was the last ditch effort. after luke's death, that's definitely not going to happen. and i can't see her directly blaming aemond, but there's definitely that undercurrent of resentment i can definitely see coming between them. aemond won't have the FULL context of everything between his mother and rhaenyra, and i could see that adding to his internalization of full responsibility-- especially since we've already established his strong sense of duty to his family.

i think in pure ASOIAF tradition, things being left Unsaid, the "we'll talk, when i return", the unfulfilled promise of things being better later, will definitely happen between aemond and alicent and it will be SO TRAGIC. i know we joke about aemond being terrified of his mommy being mad at him, but i do think that's something that will really affect him! and like sure people can be quippy in their oedipal jokes, but i do think it's a really underscoring just how devastating it could be for aemond SPECIFICALLY to lose his mother's emotional support, or feel like a failure in her eyes. she's been his only parent, his primary support system. and he's prided himself on being The Reliable One for her as well.

so i think he's going to leave KL around the end of s2. and when he does, i can see their relationship being back kinda on the mend with him promising to win the war and return everything to how it was and fix things. and thing is, alicent love her kids so much, she was never really mad at HIM, so much as she was mad at the situation. but its the tragic lack of these people being able to really talk to each other that makes it hard for them to have that conversation, or for her to truly be able to convey that he never lost her love (even if that's how it felt for him).

and i think what will be really interesting, and telling of alicent's dedication to aemond, and her belief in him if they keep the scene where she tells rhaenyra that aemond will come back and save her. it's choosing her faith in aemond and her love for her son outweighing any possibility of reconciliation with rhaenyra because of course that's what matters most. but of course aemond could never really know any of that, and fact is he very well may die still believing that he was a disappointment to her. he wasn't able to keep the promise he made her.

when you think about The Dance and think about the saddest possible outcomes, its not just about gruesome deaths, its really about things like this right. relationships that are never able to be fixed, things that are forever left unsaid. families torn apart because a pointless war and realizing that pointlessness too late.

AND NOW I AM SAD

the best part is that olivia and ewan are going to devour every scene they share together and i cannot wait

[amirosebooks]

Dean’s Old Yeller Principle

“He made me so mad at first that I wanted to kill him. Then, later, when I had to kill him, it was like having to shoot some of my own folks. That’s how much I’d come to think of the big yeller dog.”

— Fred Gipson, Old Yeller, Chapter 1 (Published in 1942)

When I was twelve or thirteen my English teacher passed out copies of Old Yeller as assigned reading. For those of you who are unfamiliar with the book, the quote above from the opening chapter tells you most everything you need to know for the context of this meta post. And for those of us who are still emotionally scarred from the damned book, I’m sorry for dredging up those memories.

Now, before I go any further, a disclaimer: Blah, blah, blah, this meta and interpretation of canon is my own. I’m not trying to “preach” to anyone about why Dean “is allowed” to be an asshole while he’s grieving or going through some shit. Or any other argument that consistently gets thrown back in the face of meta posts like this whenever Dean is being an emotional dick. You’re entitled to your interpretations, feelings and reactions, as am I. I’m merely offering this meta to 1) get it out of my mind 2) point and wave about the nods to this classic book that’s traumatized generations of American children 3) cheer Dean on for turning yet another teaching from the “older, wiser generation” John came from on its head.

Groovy? Okay, now we can move on.

I’m gonna throw the rest of this under the cut for length and to keep people who are sensitive to pets / animals dying in really sad ways from having their days ruined by talking more about the book unless they’re good with having that happen.

Now, as I said in my disclaimer bit, Old Yeller is largely considered classic literature here in the states. My memories of it are a weird mix of vague on the details and strong on the emotions it evoked. From what I remember, the main character was a young teenager when his family brought home Yeller. For whatever reason, our main character hated this dog. I don’t remember the details and they’re honestly not important to this meta. The hate he felt toward the dog is important. So is the fact that the hate slowly turned into love and devotion to the dog. Which made it even more gutting when, on a hunting trip (if I remember correctly) Yeller was bitten by a rabid animal and contracted rabies.

At the end of the novel, the Coates family are once again attacked by a wild animal, a wolf, and saved by Yeller’s bravery. Yeller is bit during the attack and becomes infected with rabies. Travis knows that despite his connection to Yeller and Yeller’s protection of his family, the dog must be killed before it becomes fully rabid and does any harm to him and his family. As the man of the house while his father is gone, Travis takes it upon himself to put Yeller out of his misery with his hunting rifle. Travis is heartbroken by what he has done, but knows that it was the right thing to do for his family. (From here.)

Sound familiar? Good. That’s what I thought too when we got the shot above in the graveyard in 14x20.

[Obviously, rabies, once there are symptoms like Yeller had, is incurrable, so putting him down was literally the only option. And we are talking here about Supernatural, which operates on soap opera rules so anything goes, but let’s just roll with the similarities for the sake of argument.]

I remember telling my husband while we were watching it “Dude, they’re really going to Old Yeller Jack, omg.” (I even made fanart of the moment.)

And then, something incredible happened.

Dean threw out the script yet again and set off season 15 with the dull thud of a gun being tossed into the grass.

Now, I hear you. “That’s great, Ami. Why should we care?”

Lemme tell you a thing, friend.

In order to tell you thing thing, I want to take a trip way back to season 4. Back when the brothers were still nose deep into John Winchester’s gospel of Monster = Evil = Kill The Thing.

(Screencaps are all from Home of the Nutty.)

4x21 - When the Levee Breaks

Sam: Stop bossing me around, Dean. Look. My whole life, you take the wheel, you call the shots, and I trust you because you are my brother. Now I’m asking you, for once, trust me.

Dean: No. You don’t know what you’re doing, Sam.

Sam: Yes, I do.

Dean: Then that’s worse.

Sam: Why? Look, I’m telling you-

Dean: Because it’s not something that you’re doing, it’s what you are! It means- Dean cuts himself off.

Sam: What? No. Say it. (Sam has tears in his eyes.)

Dean: It means you’re a monster. (Transcript from here.)

I remember the first time I watched the show and I got to this episode. That fucking line was such a gut punching moment. And it was such an effective and emotional moment that Ruby was able to extend it later to further manipulate Sam.

Now, the screencap I grabbed for this moment is of Dean in tears (well, that single man tear he’s known for) after labelling Sam a monster for a reason. I want to remind all of us of just how much it killed Dean to have to use that label for Sam. To have to try to rationalize that the boy he raised, his brother, the guy who has been there forever and has always been Dean’s charge to take care of is now the thing that Dean is going to have to put down because he falls under the label of monster.

You know what, let’s go back a little farther, to the first episode of season 2. To this moment:

Remember this look? The one we later learned was thanks to John telling Dean that Dean was going to need to put Sam down? That Sam was going to become a monster? Yeah, ouch.

I added the year Old Yeller was published (1942) to the quote at the top of this meta to help give some context about the time it was written and the world it was released into. I’d also like to make note that in 1957 (or about a year before Henry Winchester jumped forward in time to meet the brothers in season 8 and give them keys to the bunker and had to choose to abandon John when John was still a fairly young boy) Disney released a movie version of the book. It’s absolutely, if the movie exists in the SPN world, the kind of thing young John would have watched and taken some kind of black and white moral guidance from.

It’s the kind of book/movie that John would have probably (note, this is where we start diving into my own headcanons for a moment) made sure the boys were aware of when he started thinking about bringing them on hunts to keep them from freezing because the “person” on the other end of their shotgun is someone’s mom. I could see it being the kind of thing he’d use as a way to show them both that, yes, shit is hard but you have to do the right thing and sometimes that means killing the thing you love. At least, I could picture him thinking that way. (Also, this still makes me wonder about exactly how early John started suspecting there was something different about Sam, but that’s a whoooole other post.)

Moving on and forward to season 6.

6x20 - The Man Who Would Be King

Castiel: The angel-proofing Bobby put up on the house – he got a few things wrong.

Dean: Well, it’s too bad we got to angel-proof in the first place, isn’t it? Why are you here?

Castiel: I want you to understand.

Dean: Oh, believe me, I get it. Blah, blah, Raphael, right?

Castiel: I’m doing this for you, Dean. I’m doing this because of you.

Dean: Because of me. Yeah. You got to be kidding me.

Castiel: You’re the one who taught me that freedom and free will –

Dean: You’re a freakin’ child, you know that? Just because you can do what you want doesn’t mean that you get to do whatever you want!

Castiel: I know what I’m doing, Dean.

Dean: I’m not gonna logic you, okay? I’m saying don’t… Just ‘cause. I’m asking you not to. That’s it.

Castiel: I don’t understand.

Dean: Look, next to Sam, you and Bobby are the closest things I have to family – that you are like a brother to me. So, if I’m asking you not to do something… You got to trust me, man.

Castiel: Or what?

Dean: Or I’ll have to do what I have to do to stop you.

Castiel: You can’t, Dean. You’re just a man. I’m an angel.

Dean: I don’t know. I’ve taken some pretty big fish. (Transcript from here.)

This was after two seasons of Cas fighting by their side. Two seasons of Cas giving heaven the middle finger on behalf of the Winchesters. It was enough time for Dean’s first reaction in a time of confusion on a hunt was to call Cas for help. And it was enough time for Dean to go from assuming Cas was a demon summoned with “bad mojo” to drag him out of hell on behalf of Sam to genuinely starting to care about Cas.

Dean did threaten to take Cas out here if he persisted down the path he was on, but you can tell by the rest of the conversation and just how hard it was to convince Dean that Cas was lying to them that Dean was hoping talking would work and he wouldn’t be forced to put Cas down.

Unfortunately…

6x22 - The Man Who Knew Too Much

Castiel: You doubted me, fought against me, but I was right all along.

Dean: Okay, Cas, you were. We’re sorry. Now let’s just defuse you, okay?

Castiel: What do you mean?

Dean: You’re full of nuke. It’s not safe. So, before the eclipse ends, let’s get them souls back to where they belong.

Castiel: Oh no, they belong with me.

Dean: No, Cas, it’s it-it’s scrambling your brain.

Castiel: No, I’m not finished yet. Raphael had many followers, and I must punish them all severely.

Dean: Listen to me. Listen, I know there’s a lot of bad water under the bridge, but we were family once. I’d have died for you. I almost did a few times. So if that means anything to you… Please. I’ve lost Lisa, I’ve lost Ben, and now I’ve lost Sam. Don’t make me lose you too. You don’t need this kind of juice anymore, Cas. Get rid of it before it kills us all.

Castiel: You’re just saying that because I won. Because you’re afraid. (Behind him, Sam picks up the angel killing sword.) You’re not my family, Dean. I have no family. (Sam stabs Castiel in the back with the angel killing sword. Sam groans. Nothing happens. Castiel pulls the sword out. There’s no blood on it. He puts it down.) I’m glad you made it, Sam. But the angel blade won’t work, because I’m not an angel anymore. I’m your new God. A better one. So you will bow down and profess your love unto me, your Lord. Or I shall destroy you. (Transcript from here.)

Again, Dean tried to argue with the overpowered angel, he tried bargaining, pleading, and appealing to Cas’s fondness for them, but it didn’t work. Sam was the one who was forced to try stabbing Cas and it… also didn’t work.

7x01 - Meet the New Boss

Sam: Dean, look, I know you think that Cas is gone –

Dean: It’s 'cause he is.

Sam: He’s not! He’s in there somewhere, Dean. I know it.

Dean: No, you don’t.

Sam: No, I don’t. But, look, I was pretty far gone sometimes myself, and never gave up on me.

Dean: Yeah, and it turns out that you’re about the Same open book as you’ve always been. Hallucinations? Really? I got to find out from Death?

Sam: What was I supposed to do?

Dean: How about not lie? How about tell me that you’ve got crazy crap climbing those walls?

Sam: Why? You can’t help. You got a lot of pretty severe crap swinging your way lately, and – and I thought –what? I thought why burst the one good bubble you had left? It’s under control.

Dean: What? What, exactly, is under control?

Sam: I know what’s real and what’s not.

Dean: Sam –

Sam: Dean, look, we can debate this once we deal with Cas.

Dean: Yeah, you know how I’m gonna deal? I’m gonna stuff my piehole, I’m gonna drink, and I’m gonna watch some Asian cartoon p**n and act like the world’s about to explode because it is. Hey. You got to be kidding me. “Massacre at the campaign office of an incumbent Senator by a trench-coated man.” There’s security footage. Well, I think reaching Cas is, uh… out of the cards. (Transcript from here. And hopefully my slight censoring the last paragraph keeps tumblr from blacklisting this post into the aether…)

Here’s a sad thought for you, how often do you think–while Cas was terrorizing the country as Godstiel and, later, after he walked into the lake and exploded into Leviathan goo–Dean thought about how he should have listened to Bobby and Sam and taken Cas out before he had the chance to swallow the Leviathans and become super powered? Probably a lot, I’d guess.

This moment, as much as I, personally, hate seasons 6 and 7, went pretty damn far to reinforce this Old Yeller principle in Dean’s moral code.

He had to sit back and watch, literally, while someone he cared about went out of their goddamn mind with power while killing and terrorizing people. He had to do that knowing that there was a moment when he could have done something to prevent it. He could have killed Cas when he had him locked up in the ring of holy fire and they were having one of their many breakup moments.

Dean felt like he could have stopped all of this, but he’d been weak and tried talking it out first instead. And you can’t convince me that he didn’t check the news and every drop of blood Godstiel brought about to the blood on his own hands because of that choice to give Cas a chance to see reason.

10x09 - The Things We Left Behind

CASTIEL: How are you, Dean?

DEAN: Fine. [Cas gives him a look.] I’m great!

CASTIEL: No, you’re not.

DEAN: Yeah, well, I lost the black eyes, so that’s a plus. But I still have this. [Dean reaches over and gently slaps the Mark on his arm.]

CASTIEL: Is the Mark of Cain still affecting you?

[Dean flashes back to his dream from earlier, of the blood covering him, the dead bodies lying around him.]

CASTIEL: Dean?

[Dean blinks hard, coming back to the present.]

DEAN: Cas, I need you to promise me something.

CASTIEL: Of course.

DEAN: If I do go dark side, you got to take me out.

CASTIEL: What do you mean?

DEAN: Knife me. Smite me. Throw me into the freakin’ sun, whatever. And don’t let Sam get in the way, because he’ll try. I can’t go down that road again, man. I can’t be that thing again.

(Transcript from here.)

I may hate seasons 6 and 7, but holy damn do I love season 10. I know it’s not a favorite among many people in the fandom, but it’s one of mine.

This moment, this burger date of sadness and pain, is a big favorite for me. Dean sees the writing on the wall. He’s been a Knight of Hell now. He’s been as darkside as he can get. He’s, likely, being reminded daily of his time in Hell in the last ten years of his stay there where he was torturing souls. And he’s begging Cas to keep him from returning to that place. He’s begging Cas to adopt the Old Yeller principle because he sees it as the only option left if the mark consumed him again. And that kills me.

Let’s take another jump forward to season 13, where Dabb & Co really started putting Dean’s Old Yeller principle into text in a heavy, purposeful way.

13x02 - The Rising Son

SAM Dean, wait a second. (Sighs) The kid came through for us today. Jack saved us.

DEAN No. No, whatever that was, that was a reflex. It was a sneeze. Maybe next time he sneezes, he kills us. Good night.

[DEAN hears a clacking sound coming from a distance. He follows the noise to JACK’s room.] JACK Ah!

[DEAN finds JACK trying to stab himself with a blade. The wounds immediately heal.]

DEAN Okay. What the hell?  (he gets in the room) Give me that. You—Don’t be an idiot. Look, A, this is not gonna do anything to you, okay? And B, you… What the hell?

JACK Exactly. What the hell am I? I can’t control… whatever this is. I will hurt someone.

DEAN You know, my brother thinks you can be saved.

JACK You don’t believe that.

DEAN No, I don’t.

JACK So… if you’re right?

DEAN If I’m right… and it comes to killing you… I’ll be the one to do it.

[DEAN leaves.]

(Transcript from here.)

Can I just bask in the glory of the grieving widow!Dean arc from the beginning of 13 for a moment? I’d also like to take a moment to 🙌 Jack for being a wonderful Team Free Will mirror (and mimic) from the word go.

Ahhh…

Okay, moving on.

I loved this bit in 13x02 so much. Partially because it’s such a heavy handed foreshadow to 14x20, but also because it shows so clearly how good Jack is at reading the emotions in the room. He’s, like, three days old at that point, but he’s already having an existential crisis about whether or not he’s evil. He already understands (yes, thanks to jackass grieving widow!Dean…) the whole Monster = Evil = Kill The Thing.

He also shows that he understands the Old Yeller principle. And, for better or worse, he and Dean reach an unspoken agreement here about it. (Again, this is my reading. Your mileage may vary.)

13x04 - The Big Empty

JACK I’m afraid.

MIA/KELLY Why? Why are you afraid?

JACK Sam thinks you were right, that—that I’m good. He wants me to believe it, and I wanna believe it, too. It’s just, I… I’ve hurt people. I didn’t mean to. It was an accident. And I know I should feel bad, and I say I feel bad, but most of the time, I mostly… I don’t feel anything. And that’s why I think maybe… Maybe I’m a monster.

MIA/KELLY Jack. It doesn’t matter what you are. It matters what you do. And even monsters can do good in this world.

JACK You really believe that?

MIA/KELLY I have to. I have to.

[MIA hugs JACK again.]

(Trancript from here.)

Killing me would be kinder than subjecting me to these feelings so soon after being introduced to this fucking character. Omg. Poor Jack.

Now, yes, a huuuuge part of Jack’s opinion of monsters and the whole “What do we do with monsters children? That’s RIGHT, we kill them.” thing is because Dean is an asshole when he’s emotional and grieving and deep into survival mode.

But, that doesn’t change the fact that Jack is still worried about the fact that he doesn’t feel things the way that everyone else seems to. That he has powers no one, including him, can understand. And that he’s killed people without meaning to. He’s afraid of himself just like Dean was afraid of what he was capable of if the mark took him over again.

13x23 - Let The Good Times Roll

(Sam continues down the hallway while Dean turns to another hallway and approaches his bedroom door. He stops as if to listen to something and then continues down the hall, away from his bedroom door. He enters Jack’s room, where Jack is sleeping and talking in his sleep)

JACK Stop! No!

DEAN Jack? (Dean touches Jack’s shoulder to wake him) Hey. (Jack jumps up, anxious and disoriented. Dean holds out his hand towards Jack to calm him) Hey, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa. Easy. You’re just having a bad dream.

JACK (breathing heavily) Sorry.

DEAN It’s okay. You don’t have to apologize. I have 'em, too. All the time.

JACK You do?

DEAN Sure.

JACK You, um… What do you see?

DEAN Well, depends. Mostly…mostly people I couldn’t save.

JACK Me, too. Over there in the other world, I said I’d protect those people. But…I saw so many of them die. And…I tried to save them. I…I tried, but… I’m sorry. I wasn’t strong enough.

DEAN Jack… (Dean sits on the edge of Jack’s bed) it’s not about being strong. I mean… Look, I don’t know what you saw over there, and I don’t know what you went through. I know it was bad. But I also know that you came out the other side because you are strong. But even when we’re strong, man, things are gonna happen. We’re gonna make mistakes. Nobody’s perfect. Right? But we can get better. Every day, we can get better. So whatever you’re dealing with, you know, whatever…whatever comes at us, we’ll figure out a way to deal with it, together. You’re family, kid, and we look after our own.

(Transcript from here.)

It’s not about being strong. IT’S NOT ABOUT BEING STRONG.

This is where we veer away from Old Yeller a tiny bit because, again, in the book Yeller had rabies which they could do nothing about.

The moments I’ve highlighted in this post all come back to one motivation. The overpowered person/angel/asshole in question was trying to gain enough strength through supernatural (lol) means in order to have the power to destroy a (perceived) bigger threat than whatever the cost was to get that power.

Sam’s demon blood drinking was supposed to give him the power to destroy Lucifer and get revenge for Mary and John and their lost childhood. It went badly and earned Sam the label of monster and falling, at least temporarily, into the territory of the Old Yeller principle.

Cas started lying to the brothers and working with Crowley so they could gain the power to stop heaven from starting yet another apaocalypse. Cas wanted to keep the Winchesters (Dean) safe from being destroyed in a holy war after being forced to fight his brother to the death. Again, this did not go well and lead to Cas succumbing to the Leviathans’s power and dying front of Dean after losing the Winchester’s trust.

Dean took on the Mark of Cain to defeat Abaddon, the evil that made John grow up without a father. It left him torn between going on a, essentially, soulless killing spree or becoming a Knight of Hell… again.

Hell, even the way Jack came into the world was fraught with Sam lying to Dean about working with the BMoL to have the power and strength to defeat Lucifer/the nephilim. Not to mention the months of lying Cas did after he decided that Jack’s power and strength was the only way they could destroy Lucifer once and for all. Again, this ended with Cas dying in front of Dean and the BMoL trying to exterminate everyone including the American hunters.

That’s the lesson Dean is trying to instill (hypocritically, let’s be honest) to Jack here. Strength and power come at a terrible cost and if you can solve a problem without resorting to that level of fuckery that things will be better.

And, also, that if things do go bad, that Jack is family and “we look after our own.” To Dean, this is where the Old Yeller principle kicks in. It is, in a rather fucked up but well earned way, the best option he knows for making sure another one of his loved ones doesn’t fall under that monster label. That none of them end up with more blood on their hands or bringing about the end of the world, again, because of their soap opera problems.

13x23 - Let The Good Times Roll

JACK I’m sorry.

(Jack walks towards the exit and Castiel goes to follow him)

CASTIEL Jack!

(Dean grabs Castiel’s arm)

DEAN No, hey, just – just let him go.

(Jack is walking through the woods, banging a closed fist into his hand and punching his shoulder)

JACK You keep hurting people! You keep… (Jack flashes back to all the people he has hurt with his powers – Nate, Sam, Dean, the female police officer) hurting… (flash to the male sheriff) (yelling) Why do you keep hurting people?!

(Transcript from here.)

This lesson, the lesson of power and strength not being the best answer because of the cost it comes with is not an easy one to learn. Especially when you were born as a superpowered, emotional Winchester by adoption. Life is scary when that’s the hand you’ve been dealt and using the power you have is an appealing balm to combat that fear.

13x23 - Let The Good Times Roll

JACK (moving towards Lucifer, eyes glowing and hand outstretched)Tell me the truth!

(Lucifer’s eyes start to glow, his head tilts to the side and he starts speaking)

LUCIFER She saw me when I was scouting out the bunker. She saw me and she screamed, and then…so I crushed her skull with my bare hands. And it was warm and wet, and I liked it.

(Lucifer’s eyes return to normal and he looks confused)

JACK You’re not my father. You’re a monster.

LUCIFER (yelling) Come on, man! (Lucifer bellows so forcibly that Sam and Dean cover their ears, his eyes glowing red) Okay. I tried with you. I really tried with you.

JACK Everything you told me was a lie.

LUCIFER Because I told you what you wanted to hear, man. So what?! I killed the girl! Big deal! She’s a – she’s a human! She doesn’t matter!

JACK So am I!

LUCIFER Yeah? And that’s your problem. (pointing at Jack) You’re too much like your mother.

(Transcript from here.)

To me, this moment reads as Jack embracing that black and white Winchester thinking. He has yet (even now that’s he’s currently dead in season 15) to grasp the concept of people being morally gray. He sees himself as either embracing the monster side of himself from his bio dad or rejecting that side of himself to embrace Kelly’s human side. The side that can’t hurt people on accident. The side that makes him more like the Winchesters. Because he doesn’t want to fall under than monster label. He doesn’t want to fall under that Old Yeller principle. He doesn’t want to hurt so many people that he will have to die because neither he or anyone else can control him.

Yes, this moment is FAR more complicated than just that, but it’s definitely part of it.

14x10 - Nihilism

DEAN Sam said that one of your reapers really came through with the assist. I’m thinking that was probably you.

BILLIE Don’t tell anyone.

DEAN You broke the rules.

BILLIE I took a calculated risk. I warned you about the dangers of jumping from world to world. But you ignored me, didn’t you?

DEAN Rescuing Mom and Jack, helping out those other folks – I’d say it was worth it.

BILLIE And just look at you now. Do you remember visiting my reading room? The shelves and shelves of notebooks describing the ways you might die?

DEAN Yeah. Upbeat classics.

BILLIE Well, it’s the funniest thing, but they’ve all been rewritten. They all end the same way now – with the archangel Michael escaping your mind and using you as his vessel to burn down this world.

DEAN All of them?

BILLIE All of them. Except one.

(Billie hands Dean a book. He opens it and then looks at her, stunned)

DEAN What am I supposed to do with this?

BILLIE That’s up to you.

(Dean looks at the book again and when he looks up, Billie is gone. He looks back at the book and then looks around, a mixture of fear and confusion on his face)

(Transcript from here.)

Remember what I said about Dean being well aware of the price that has to be paid in exchange for the power and strength to defeat supposedly unbeatable enemies?

Yeah… Dean “knows” that the time has come for him to call his own bluff. The one from all the way back in 10x09 (not that he was bluffing then, but he didn’t have to take action on it then) when he asked Cas to take him out. “Knife me. Smite me. Throw me into the freakin’ sun, whatever.”

We didn’t know that was what this moment was until the next episode. But this is the moment when the Old Yeller principle went into effect again. And you can see how much it hurts Dean, how resigned and heartbroken he is over it.

14x11 - Damaged Goods

DEAN It’s a Ma’lak box. [DEAN closes the door to the box. He and SAM are standing over it.] Secured and warded. Once inside… nothing gets out, not even an archangel. Especially an archangel.

SAM Yeah, yeah, yeah. I’ve – I’ve read about these, but – but no one’s ever – they’re impossible to build.

DEAN Yeah, well, not so much.

SAM That’s your plan? You want to be buried alive?

DEAN Buried’s not safe enough. Plan is, pay a little hush money, charter a boat to take me out to the Pacific. Splash.

SAM You and Michael, trapped together – for eternity?

DEAN Yeah.

SAM You do realize how insane this is, right?

DEAN It’s the only sane play I’ve got. Michael gets out, that’s it for this world. And he will get out.

SAM Well, how do you know that for sure?

DEAN Because I do. Because I can feel him in my head. That door is giving. I can feel it giving.

SAM But there has to be another way.

DEAN There’s not, okay? There – Sam you’ve tried. Cas has tried. Jack… And I love you for trying. But none of it’s gonna work.

SAM We don’t know that.

DEAN Yeah, we do.

SAM What?

DEAN Billie.

SAM Billie?

DEAN She paid me a little visit. She said that there’s only one way this ends right. And this is it. This, right here, this box. So, she gave up the special recipe, and all I had to do was the work. It’s fate.

SAM Since when do we believe in fate?

DEAN Now, Sam. Since now.

(Transcript from here.)

Here is the moment. The one where Dean was at his absolute lowest. When he hit that point where resignation about his fate met having to act on his principles. 

14x12 - Prophet and Loss

DEAN Well, I will call this a win. Kinda nice. Going out on a high. SAM “Going out” being the operative phrase. DEAN Sorry. SAM “Sorry.” How sorry are you? Sorry that you fight to keep Donatello alive, but when it comes to you, you just throw in the towel? Or are you sorry that, after all these years, our entire lives, a-after I’ve looked up to you, after I’ve learned from you, I-I-I’ve copied you, I followed you to Hell and back… are you sorry that all of that it – it – it means nothing now? DEAN Who’s saying that? SAM You are, when you tell me I have to kill you. When you’re telling me that I have to just throw away everything we stand for, throw away faith, throw away family. We’re the guys who saved the world. We don’t just check out of it! [SAM pushes DEAN.] DEAN Sam, I have tried everything. Everything! I got one card left to play and I have to play it. SAM You have one card today! But we’ll find another tomorrow. But if you quit on us today, there will be no tomorrow! You tell me, uh, you don’t know what else to do. I don’t either, Dean. Not yet. But what you’re doing now, i-it’s – it’s wrong! It’s quitting! I mean, l-look what just happened. Donatello never quit fighting. So we could help him because he never gave up. [SAM moves closer to DEAN.] I believe in us, Dean. [DEAN doesn’t say anything. SAM gets angry and punches DEAN in the face.] I believe in us. [SAM tries to punch DEAN again, but he stops him.] DEAN Hey, hey, hey, hey! [SAM hugs DEAN.] SAM Why don’t you believe in us, too? DEAN Okay, Sam. Let’s go home. SAM What? [SAM pulls away from the hug.] DEAN Let’s go home. Maybe Billie’s wrong. Maybe. But I do believe in us.

(Transcript from here.)

And just like Dean predicted in 10x09, Sam was able to talk him out of sacrificing himself. How was he able to do that? By reminding Dean that they were the fucking Winchesters. They fucked with the cosmic balance constantly and always, always found another way. A way to avoid the Old Yeller principle. A way to live and fight again.

Which, they totally did, but the price of not throwing Dean into the ocean for an eternity of alone time with alt!Michael banging away in his head was their adopted child.

14x20 - Moriah

JACK: You’re not gonna lock me up again, are you?

DEAN: No.

(Dean raises the gun, aims at Jack and exhales deeply. Jack kneels down and bows his head. Dean, looking puzzled, lowers the gun and walks closer towards Jack. When he’s right in front of Jack, he aims the gun directly at his head. At this moment Sam comes speeding into the cemetery, car tires screeching. He gets out of the car and starts running towards Dean and Jack)

SAM: Dean? Dean!

JACK: (to Dean) I understand.

(Sam is still running, yelling for Dean. The music is getting more suspenseful as Dean holds his aim steady at Jack)

SAM: Dean, don’t! Dean? Dean!

JACK: I know what I’ve done.

SAM: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, Dean! Hey, hey, hey! Dean!

DEAN: Stay back, Sam!

SAM: (Panting)

JACK: And you were right all along. (Chuck comes up alongside Sam) I am a monster.

SAM: (to Chuck) Do something. … You’re enjoying this.

CHUCK: Shh.

(Dramatic music plays)

(Dean cocks the gun. He looks Jack in the eye for several seconds and then slowly lowers the gun. At this point, Castiel also comes running towards the area)

(Dean uncocks the gun and tosses it to the side)

(Transcript from here.)

I have yet to rewatch this episode, but from what I remember I don’t think it had completely sunk in to Dean in that moment of choice that Chuck was there revealing that he was invested in the outcome of this showdown between Dean and Jack. In that moment, that split second of choice between following through with what he’d believed for so long for following through with an extension of the order John gave him about Sam back in the hospital back in 2x01, Dean made a choice for himself. And that choice was to believe that they’d find another way. He decided that when it came right down to it, he couldn’t kill his child for making the same bargain for power and strength that he himself had made multiple times over the last 14 seasons.

He was also directly confronted with a similar situation to that from the end of season 6 and beginning of 7 with Cas and the Leviathans, in that when it really came down to it, he wasn’t capable of murdering someone he considered family.

And then Chuck had to go and erase any chance they had in following up on that. He killed Jack so that they didn’t have a chance to find a way to help Jack balance the power he’d absorbed from destroying Michael or living without his soul.

So yeah, from where we sit now with only one episode of season 15 under our belts waiting with baited breath to see where the rest of this end of the road season takes us, it makes sense that Dean, of all people, would be in the middle of an emotional fucking collapse. And that he would be a huge, whiny, pissbaby douchebag about it because that’s the Dean Winchester way.

Does that make his behavior okay? No, of course not. But does that turn any of the rest of them into saints? Nope, of course not. And I, personally, wouldn’t have it any other way. I like that they’re flawed and fucked up and keep getting back up and going back to each other and keep trying. That’s why we’ve had 15 goddamn seasons of this. Because it’s what they do.

[mittensmorgul]

I see so much "PR no es showrunning" but I don't know what is PR and because we must not take it seriously. I look for it and can't find it. Sorry if it's a dumb question. Thanks :)

Hi there! I’ll start by explaining what PR is, and then go on to explain why we tag it this way.

PR is short for “Public Relations.” I googled it to get a concise definition for you:

the professional maintenance of a favorable public image by a company or other organization or a famous person.the state of the relationship between the public and a company or other organization or a famous person.

What we’re talking about when we use the “pr is not showrunning” tag is any communication or promotion for the show. This includes but is not limited to:

cast and crew interviews

news articles written about the show

“spoilers” and “teasers” that are released officially or unofficially– i.e. direct advertisements and promos released by the network (such as “next week on supernatural” videos, episode descriptions, promo photos and posters, etc.) AND actor tweets, writer tweets, statements made at conventions or other panels, etc.

Any and all PR I reblog will be tagged “pr is not showrunning,” because while these things can be FUN, they are not CONCRETE FACTUAL INFORMATION. They are ambiguous by design, which means believing something definitively based only on PR will inevitably lead you to the wrong conclusions.

Look back at the definition of PR. “professional maintenance of a favorable public image.” Or in the case of PR for a tv show, it’s not necessarily a FAVORABLE public image they’re shooting for, but presenting something that will pique the interest of potential viewers. The entire goal of PR is to TEASE THE POTENTIAL AUDIENCE INTO WATCHING THE SHOW.

The purpose of pr is not, and never has been, to impart factual details about concrete things that will definitely happen on the show. In fact, most PR is deliberately designed to mislead the audience for the sake of creating Drama, Anticipation and Tension. We see the “next week on Supernatural” 20 second teaser clip and think OMG I CAN’T BELIEVE XYZ SHOCKING THING WILL HAPPEN! and then when the episode finally airs and we see the ACTUAL CONTEXT of the teaser clip, it completely obliterates the original “incorrect interpretation” of the misleading clip.

CONTEXT MATTERS!

And PR DELIBERATELY REMOVES CONTEXT!

And sometimes, as we saw in these two press releases that happened FIVE DAYS APART, very often the exact same person (in this case, showrunner Andrew Dabb) will DIRECTLY CONTRADICT a quote that was part of a previous PR report. In this particular case, there were five days between Dabb being directly quoted saying something to the effect of “it will be a long time before Jack is back” and then saying “Jack will be back quickly because family.”

So, which is it? Which is the truth? Which should the reader believe? WHY would the reader believe EITHER of these pr statements? When even the SHOWRUNNER HIMSELF contradicts himself within the span of a week?

The primary goal of PR is to generate hype, to get people talking, to get potential viewers excited about the upcoming shows. The secondary goal is to– as much as humanly possible– NOT give any ACTUAL spoilers for the upcoming shows.

So, PR is basically flim-flam, and I am exhausted from years of watching fandom tear itself apart over it. People get outraged over things that turn out to be entirely misconstrued by a promo, of quotes being taken out of context, of Bad Reporting that led them to Incorrect Beliefs about things. Or conversely, they feel embittered after the fact when something exciting they felt promised by PR never ended up coming to pass as they expected.

So mostly, the “pr is not showrunning” tag is there as a warning not to put much stock in these things. We can enjoy them for what they are, but to base expectations or make predictions from them? Is just asking for disappointment.

I mean… the person who makes the promos for the CW DOESN’T EVEN WATCH THE SHOW. https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/187701616160/as-a-cas-fan-im-finding-the-recent-trailer

For a fun direct example of this phenomenon look at the TVLine spoilers from s8 through s15 collected into a tidy post right here: https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/187502636085/tvline-fall-tv-spoilers-retrospective-edition

The Infamous Collection of Really Bad Hot Takes by news outlets over the years: https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/187199936070/justanotheridijiton-youre-welcome-x-x-x

The Annual Burning Questions (with accompanying on-fire answers) post: https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/186293350200/justanotheridijiton-burning-questions-season

the So Bad I Could Cry hot take of s11: https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/185592713860/justanotheridijiton-mittensmorgul

Mel’s always relevant masterpost on the subject: https://mittensmorgul.tumblr.com/post/184187379805/justanotheridijiton-justanotheridijiton-pr-is

Basically, manage your expectation, because most PR is a deliberate sham. That’s just the nature of PR. If you want to read more about it, I’ve got about 400 other posts in my tag for this, so feel free to click through and poke around. Some of it’s freaking HILARIOUS in retrospect :P

[thewillowbends]

Dagobah

You all can thank pixiedane for resending me this after I accidentally answered it privately.  :)

Favorite quote? Ah man, that’s a hard one. I think my all time favorite is a pretty iconic one - Luke declaration of “I am a Jedi, like my father before me.” Mainly because it’s so triumphantly defiant and so brave, and also hilariously undercut by Palpatine immediately attempting to murder the shit out of him.

Other good ones:

“What if I told you that the Republic was now under the control of a Dark Lord of the Sith?” - I get that Dooku was likely banking on Obi Wan being dismissive about it because he’s a Sith Lord, but I love how many interpretations you can read into that confession. It’s malicious yet honest, and by refusing to examine that warning further, the Jedi sort of prove Dooku’s own point about their stagnation and arrogance getting in the way of improvement.

“It’s too late for me, son.” - So much revealed in that one line before we even had the prequels to tell us the full story.

The entire conversation between Luke and Leia on the Ewok bridge before he turns himself is just perfect. It’s so lovely and so sad AND I LOVE THEM THEY ARE THE BEST OMG ANAKIN WHY DO YOU HAVE TO RUIN EVERYTHING.

“I am no Jedi.” — My complaints about Rebels are multitudinous, but I really loved the way the VA delivered this line for Ahsoka. It speaks to so much anger and bitterness all these years later, anger that she’s kind and mature enough to hide from Kanan and Ezra, but it comes out around Vaderkin. It’s almost like a confession between them. When you think about her grief and sorrow when she left the Order, you realize the damage they did to her, how hard she had to fight for that righteous anger, the right to believe in herself again.

“You. You’re afraid. That you will never be as strong as Darth Vader.” - Probably more for context than anything else. Fuck yeah, Rey, get yours back.

The whole conversation between Anakin and his mother when he leaves in TPM, but especially this line: “Now, be brave, and don’t look back. Don’t look back.” Because that was the whole problem - Anakin couldn’t stop looking back, so he could never move forward. She wanted so badly to save him from the burden of saving her, and it breaks my heart that they even had to make that choice.

[pennyinheaven]

I patiently waited for Ch 27.

I am very proud of myself for scrolling away the chapter summary, the ultimate chapter spoiler. I am usually very impatient and is usually fine with spoiling myself with new chapters but this time I was able to evade reading the summary. The chapter was worth the wait. 

I’ve reblogged raws and the instant translations but nothing beats reading the properly translated chapters because I fully understand the context of the images and the dialogues. I have different interpretations from the raws and instant translations do not sink in right away. 

I misunderstood Doumeki’s eyes at first, I thought he was simply concerned about Yashiro’s injuries, which probably what Yashiro was pertaining to when he said that he is resilient. But Doumeki’s thoughts say that it was because he is apologetic to what he has done. I thought Yashiro was simply avoiding or being awkward towards intimacy but he actually probably caught on Doumeki’s thoughts, thus he looks away. He didn’t want to see the pained and guilty Doumeki. Quick guess is that Yashiro probably thought that he’s used to it or that he deserved to be forced, that was his fate as a neko, etc. Doumeki was not in the wrong and that if anyone should be blamed it should be him. 

“At that moment I realized, that I meant something to this person…”

I am thrilled that I am reading Doumeki’s thoughts in the black boxes, dang. This person’s struggle is real. Just look at those eyes: fear of the un-/certain. He wanted to keep thinking positive that what happened was “love-making” because Yashiro cared for him, showed concern, that he was valuable to Yashiro as he is to Doumeki. That that sex was mutual. Otherwise, he’s just like other men Yashiro has slept with, men who forced themselves into Yashiro, violated and dehumanized Yashiro, he would just be the gentle version of them. Apologizing would confirm this. Well, I understand why Doumeki would think this way. Yashiro never outright admitted who Doumeki is for him, for us readers it was implied, for Doumeki though, he was just assuming that what Yashiro was saying is that he is that important to him. Doumeki can never be sure by just assuming and he’s afraid that his assumption is wrong. He thinks if he was wrong, then what happened was rape/non-consensual sex rather than love-making. Honestly, I would think the same. Nothing beats hearing the actual words such as “I like/love you”, “you are important to me” and the likes, they are solid confirmation for what a person feels, the relationship and the feelings are official; otherwise it’s all just an assumption. 

Doumeki can also read through Yashiro.  Yashiro being so concerned of Doumeki, worrying about him not getting any sleep, allowing Doumeki to cuddle, reaching Doumeki’s nape, Doumeki is already sensing the impending doom: Yashiro leaving. It was so obvious! Even I would sense that without the hint from the last panel in Ch 25.  “Everything’s fine. Hurry up and get some sleep” With a smile on his face - Bitch, couldn’t you get any more obvious? LOL. Kidding aside, I understand Doumeki and his fears. “I’m afraid to close my eyes” and my most favorite one “I just wanted to bind him to me.” YES, ME TOO. I WANT TO WRAP YOU TWO LIKE A BURRITO AND TIE YOU UP AND SHIP YOU GUYS AWAY TO A FAR FAR AWAY PLACE, JUST THE TWO OF YOU, TOGETHER, ALONE. ***sigh***

“I don’t want to become any more-” vulnerable?? I have no idea. But this:

“It’s because it felt so good.” “But that was a lie.”

OMG. Are we back at square one? Well, not really but it reminded me of the hotel and car scenes and I guess Ch 24 too, when Yashiro and Doumeki are on a war on who’s gonna give up first and who’s gonna keep their walls up. Doumeki doesn’t want to probe too much, Yashiro is trying to build up his walls again, weak walls but he’s trying. Both can read each other all too well but both do not want to be honest of what they think the other is thinking. They are very cautious about each other.

I wonder who among those two policemen is the detective/police Yashiro always talked to. At least now we might have an idea who it is. Anyway, I love Ryuuzaki and Yashiro together. I think they are cute, well Ryuuzaki is because he is in denial of his affections towards Yashiro but this time, he can’t control his thoughts any longer. He is fully aware of his feelings, still denying it, yes, but he’s much aware of it now and he constantly needs to tame his thoughts on going in that direction.

I love how he finally noticed the shirt after a few minutes entering the car. Took him time but you notice right away when he finally realizes “the shirt”.

Yashiro in shirt = nasty-orgy-drowning-in-cum sex This is what it meant for Ryuuzaki. This whole scene was bittersweet for me. The “shirt” moment was the time that tugged Ryuuzaki’s heart and probably thought that there are men that need protection and care, not just women. In their conversation and Ryuuzaki’s thoughts, I sense that he has this typical mentality that men are strong and women are weak, physically speaking, of course. Thus women should be protected and saved while men are strong and should be saving and protecting the weak. Yashiro is a man but is “weak”, that he gets violated by other people and just asks to be saved, well at least that’s what that window sill memory tells him. Ryuuzaki wants to protect him but it contradicts what he believes into.  Nipple-biting I thought Yashiro’s reaction was because he hated being licked but he was rather reacting to the pain. “You never change” “I’m not usually into nipple-biting” But Ryuuzaki usually plays with Yashiro’s nipples, from the first time years ago and even in the earlier chapters when Misumi interrupted them. Ryuuzaki’s loosing all control, I swear. Both are childish in their conversation, classic. Oh and Yashiro cares about the shirt getting stretched. Hmm…I’m probably overthinking about it. I can say more about this scene but I’ll just save it up for another post. Though, I noticed, Yashiro’s switch did not come up. Isn’t it that his switch is easily turned on whenever anything sexual was done to him? Bitten nipple would definitely turn him on. I could be wrong though or the switch now only turns on for Doumeki. Hmmm….. Anyway, I just love that they look out for each other. 

I finally understood this swag/supermodel look Yashiro have here. It’s ‘thanks for looking out for me, back then and now, this is what I can do for you’. Yashiro is simply paying back and thanking Ryuuzaki for his feelings and his concern for Yashiro. Although he always acts like Yashiro is just a toilet, Yashiro knows that Ryuuzaki sees him as human, weak but at least he is human in Ryuuzaki’s eyes.

DAMMIT Ryuuzaki’s injured. I hope he gets treated right away. It looks bad, probably some organ damage might happen. I JUST DON’T WANT HIM TO DIE OKAY. He said “…he looked so damn good, it pissed me off”. My interpretation could be wrong but I think Ryuuzaki is conflicted again. The last time Yashiro wore a shirt, he looked horrible, empty, defeated, pitiful and reeked sex; this time, he looked happy, relaxed, glowing and refreshed yet he reeked sex. He imagined that Yashiro probably got into another kinky ordeal and happen to wear a shirt. His expectations on Yashiro in a shirt did not match the current Yashiro wearing a shirt that reeked sex. Little did he know why Yashiro’s butt is loose, not from multiple partners this time, but only from one partner last night. He’s not wrong though, there was still a lot of sex happened.

I like the transition from Ryuuzaki to a clinic or hospital but I seriously do not want to know about Hirata’s condition. If only Ryuuzaki aimed a bit higher, he would’ve gotten Hirata’s kidney. 

The comedy relief in this chapter is gold. I don’t know I laughed a lot when Yashiro corrects that his nipple was bitten not licked. Report properly and accurately guys. This is essential in any organization you are working for. Yashiro being an exemplary employee knows this, so take note of that, Whale & Shark. 

I am worried how and where Doumeki would look for Yashiro and where will Yashiro go next? Two locations…There’s 1) Misumi’s place - though I doubt he would meet up with him any time soon since he doesn’t want Misumi involved, he’s fine Misumi getting updates but that is it; 2) Kageyama’s clinic - to tend for his injuries and probably more meds, knowing he is not fully recovered, but what else could he be doing there? To confirm his feelings for Doumeki? Will he ever say anything to Kage? Highly doubting that though, as if I didn’t know Yashiro’s personality. 3) His office - reuniting with Nanahara and checking up Sugimoto (he was probably injured since he was supposed to be with Ryuuzaki, right?), and plan what to do next; 4) Doumeki’s place (?) - to check up on Doumeki??? Yeah, right. Yashiro is not there yet. Unfortunately, Doumeki would have to find Yashiro himself. If they do meet though, I am anxious at what Yashiro would do. Fire him? Ignore him like that never happened? Assign him another task, not his bodyguard anymore? What I’m sure though is that my heart will be ripped once they meet.