#but instead of focusing on fixing my problem (read: lose a shit ton of weight and become conventionally attractive)

[velocitic]

something on my mind lately that i'm not sure entirely how to phrase is like - this is mostly targeted at white trans influencer types, but i find something very grating on the kind of body negativity posting i see in relation to dealing with body dysmorphia. now, body dysmorphia/dysphoria are something that anyone can experience, and not everyone does, and it's different for different people. however, i take issue with the content made around learning how to "pass" by hiding your body, and specifically the language used for it. primarily i see this around "wide hips", and i do see the need and/or want for clothing tips that help people feel comfortable in their bodies, and i don't think there is anything intrinsically wrong with this content's primary goal. however, as trans owned/focused fashion brands are becoming more in number, i'm finding that the representatives i am seeing for these brands are overwhelmingly white, skinny, transmasc individuals. and the language used to market their products is one that is, i think, meant to be addressing dysphoria, but it comes across to me as a narrowly defined negative view. as someone with a larger chest and a larger/stockier frame, all of the tips about "hiding" my wider hips can do nothing tangible for my appearance. you cannot hide genuinely large/noticeable features of your body; trust me, i've tried for years to do so, and sometimes i still try in vain to wear the straight jeans and the special cut tee shirts, and it just leaves me feeling worse because i am not the target audience of these tips. i am not skinny. i also do not think i subscribe to this belief that wide hips are a "dead giveaway" that will prevent you from passing; i think that (and other such beliefs) honestly is rooted in bioessentialist beliefs that i wish we would all unpack and be a lot better off without.

it is not to say that skinny trans people's issues with their bodies are not valid or not okay to talk about. but i do think that rebranding body negativity into the language of progressive thought is unfair and cruel whether it is shaving razor ads telling women that they are beautiful no matter what but that doesn't mean stop shaving, or if it is a skinny, flat chested, white trans person telling me that all trans people are wonderful but more importantly how much their wide hips bother them - and how a product can "fix" both of these issues.

and how am i meant to feel about this whole thing, anyway? if this skinny person's hips are too wide, then what the hell is wrong with me? there is inherent comparison in self hate. putting yourself down will only lead to holding bias against those who are "worse" than you (whether you're aware of it or not) & broadcasting to all the other people with the feature you hate about yourself are surely also ugly or inferior in the same way you believe yourself to be. i don't think body dysmorphia should not be talked about. i do think that talking about it in the language of product placement and brand marketing is doomed from the start. when a skinny person says that their hips are too wide, their jaw is too soft, they hate their nose and with a chest like theirs they'll never pass, i earnestly have no idea what to possibly say, because in their self hate they have entirely vilified me. i am short and stocky with muscle and my jaw is soft and i have acne and wide hips and a large chest. how am i meant to feel safe with those who believe my features to be their worst nightmare? how can i build community with you when i can imagine how you preen in the mirror over your 110 lb build and how awful it is?

this is what is meant when we talk about self love as a form of resistance. you cannot expect to be a safe person as long as you hate yourself for being human.

[raleigh-ocean]

water lillies bloomed from chaos (and love) | chapter 1

summary: it’s not like they were connected to her by blood or a strong bond, but it was more like magic choose them in between perfection, chaos, love and something unknown to make them just perfect, broken and fixed as they were. Raleigh thought however, amidst her own broken pieces, that if something remained from their big love, it was all mixed in those three young witches: Zoe, Mallory and Madison. And she wasn’t going to give up in any of her lovechilds, as much trouble it could seem.

words: 4, 700

ao3 link: here!

song: secret for the mad by dodie

chapters: 1

the one where patience is a virtue (madison, pt. 1)

Looking into it, Raleigh always hated Louisiana's summer.

The heat, the humidity, it always made her feel like she was losing weight just by standing up.

Destiny decided to make her come back in the middle of fucking summer in a cruel poor attempt of pulling her leg, not letting her to actually prepare something to fight against it. Loathing dresses, she had to stick with her old pair of shorts almost everyday holding how much it displeased her showing her legs...or any centimeter of her skin for that matter.

Tightening her grip to her purse, she tried to take her mind off of that and keep trying to focus in the screen where her order would show up at any minute.

Only a month back and she was breaking Cordelia's rules at its fullest. But she was craving, she needed her sugar intake to keep her brain working. The new diet Raleigh was following was meant to rise her weight from a healthy perspective, but Morgana helped her, what's she needed was a burguer an extra large order of chicken nuggets and a double sized milkshake. And a Dr.Pepper.

Even when she went out of the store, the humidity feeling even worse because of the upcoming rainy clouds, she felt content. Content for being back, for starting to roll with the events, for being home, for being alive.

Cordelia also had forbidden her from driving, so when she got in the car Queenie’s smiling face was waiting for her. It was one of the few things Raleigh did obey, but she was fixing that soon. Raleigh handed her buddy in crime her order, getting a cheer out of her. That’s what she liked the most about Queenie: she was always up for a mischief - and breaking some rules.

“I thought you were ordering for both, not for the entire Academy,” the girl laughed, watching as Raleigh pulled her chocolate milkshake and took a good sip with the straw.

“You know how the girls get,” Raleigh shrugged, putting the bag over her legs. “I love to see them battle royale their way for a chicken nugget.”

Bursting in laughter at the memory from a few nights ago, they took a couple of bites before Queenie drove off to the Academy.

Out of everyone, Queenie was the fastest to warm up to Raleigh’s presence again and that was a very much welcomed gesture. Zoe still seemed to be taking her time, not really sure if her mentor was the same as she used to be. Mallory was having a hard time adjusting to Raleigh and Madison sleeping with her in the same room and tried to avoid them for the time being; she was still hurt because Cordelia gave her the scold of her life and she respected the Supreme an awful lot. Misty was a lost cause, Raleigh could still feel her cold and full of hurt eyes on her, her heart sinking behind her ribs and into a hole of fear quickly. And Cordelia...well, she was getting there but her professional approach left her feeling as terrible as it did looking into Misty’s eyes.

As a phantom pain appeared, Raleigh’s hand lingered in her own cheek. Being slapped by the love of your life was always a big no-no, even when she deserved all of it. She felt really lucky that Cordelia confined her along Madison and Mallory to that shared room instead of being kicked out of the Academy.

“It’s a luck we have this weekend free,” Queenie put Raleigh down on Earth again, taking a right and then giving her milkshake a sip. “With Cordelia and Zoe away, we can relax a bit.”

“It’s not as if I have something to do aside of reading,” Raleigh chuckled at that, eating a few fries in one go.

“C’mon, you like that, being in silence with your books and shit,” they weren’t that far from the house anymore and Queenie drove as if she had done that trip thousand and thousand of times. “You spent like twenty hours glued to a book back then,” the girl laughed openly and Raleigh shook her head a bit. “The other four were for eating, sleeping and fucking Mist.”

The memory made her stomach churn, and Raleigh focused her eyes out of the window. After taking a step back and watching how Misty and Cordelia moved on in her absence, still made her feel like that. Raleigh wasn’t proud of how the swamp witch and her handled their ‘relationship’; she spent five years mourning her, thinking she was good as dead upon hearing her in the other side of the line when she called Mallory to go pick her up.

“I helped Nan several times to bake,” Raleigh tried to defense herself. “And you with more dark magic stuff, which I hope Cordelia knows nothing about; and Zo with her powers and-”

And now I'm helping Madison. She wanted to keep saying that, because back then she wasn't one of the few she was really close to. Maybe it was Fiona's influence working on her and later how she disappeared several times and acted basically as the worst out there, not that Raleigh blamed her fully for.

“Okay, I get it,” Queenie interrupted her with a good laugh that made Raleigh feel full of warmth instead of dread. She was one of the few that was actually vocal about the problems Raleigh had with the two oldest members of the coven, so she knew when to pick up the cue of not talking about it. “Listen, why don't we set up movie night tomorrow? You literally missed a fucking ton of good movies and I'm making you watch them all.”

That little change in the conversation was more than welcomed, making the last minutes of the trip light and enjoyable. Not that Raleigh's mind couldn't work at two things at the same time, because even when she was talking with Queenie underneath she was also thinking about Madison.

If there was one thing she was actually proud of herself, was the capacity of picking up little details from others. Like how Cordelia still closed her eyes a second upon hearing something that she knew would shocked her, or how Mallory played with her fingers when she couldn't word her thoughts. And in between details, Raleigh discovered Madison's.

At meals she usually sat the furthest from them all, in silence and trying to eat unsuccessfully whatever couple of things she picked from the table. It worried Raleigh that her plate was almost full at the end, but anyone seemed to notice. She had seen her during her own sleepless nights going down to the kitchen and try to eat before running to throw up everything. Also it didn't help at all that her intake of cigarettes had doubled.

As Queenie was starting to pull over by the Academy, Raleigh looked at the fast food bag in her lap. Obviously she had bought their cravings with some extras for the rest of the girls, but also she had picked a little pack for Madison. With the memory of the day they came back in her head, Raleigh had placed the order without hesitation. Desperate times needed from desperate measures, right?

Queenie decided to have her meal in her room, wanting to keep watching a show while eating, but Raleigh decided to take over the kitchen.

It was a feeling in her guts, as if whatever she was hoping for it was there - as when she was young and she was just too perceptive instead of having a know-it-all power. The sound of someone typing on their phone plus the ruffle in the kitchen cabinets made her feel a bit nervous, but Raleigh calmed herself while holding Madison's vanilla milkshake in her hand. The latina witch entered the room to discover Madison sitting there, phone in hand and cigarette resting in the ashtray, windows open to try and catch a lucky afternoon breeze. Misty was there too, making iced tea apparently, and Raleigh felt her giving her a quick look before going back to what she was doing.

Shit that it hurt, but now wasn't the moment to dwell on it.

“Ready to see people battle-royalling over a chicken nugget?” Raleigh's voice made Madison look up to her, a soft smirk on her lips.

“My bet this time goes to…” Madison contemplated her options for a second, taking a drag of her cigarette. “They'll drop that shit to the floor and at least one will cry over it.”

Raleigh chuckled at that, placing the bag in the counter before getting a couple plates and some glasses. Since Queenie had told them about what happened when someone left any kind of treat over the kitchen counter, it became something fun to bet for. I mean, they still were there getting used to live among witches again and they didn't have a lot to do, what else could they do?

“A little one is going to get everything while the rest fight,” Madison huffed at that, underestimating Raleigh's bet. “Mark my words, they pretty smart.”

“Yeah whatever,” turning to her phone again, one earphone on to keep listening what she was watching, Madison lost interest in how Raleigh was placing food in one plate. “Where goes your bet swampy?”

Misty sighed heavily, not wanting to get dragged to the conversation, and Raleigh gave her a sideway look before pouring the milkshakes from the plastic cup to the crystal glasses. Putting her palm over the rim of Madison's glass, Raleigh closed her eyes before muttering some words in latin really low but Misty caught her doing it. What was going on with her? Now she wanted to enchant the students?

However she didn't say a thing nor stopped her.

“Not placin’ bets on how the girls go crazy over food,” her tone more serious, showing how being around Cordelia had changed her a bit, made Madison huff again and Raleigh scratched the back of her head a bit. “And Delia doesn’t want junk food in the house since last time.”

“Don't be a pussy, Cordy is not even here,” Raleigh turned around with her two plates to place it by Madison's side, where she was going to sit. “I know you are next in charge when she and Zoe aren't here, but you were never the killjoy.”

“Whatever you say to make yourself feel better Maddie,” another sigh falling the Cajun's lips and Raleigh saw how Madison wanted to reply but instead chose not to.

She knew the starlet would have started a big argument just for that, but this new persona that Madison was developing wasn't kind to being too loud. Raleigh had noticed that too, as if she was up to throw the first brick but at the same time be reluctant to keep on throwing them.

“I brought this for you cupcake,” the nickname made the youngest blonde to roll her eyes, but looked interested at the glass. “And french fries to stop a train, so you better eat some.”

Raleigh then noticed how Misty turned around as if she was going to say something, but when she saw how Madison barely touch the milkshake she leant back in the counter with a glass of iced tea in her hand. Biting her burger with the hunger of a pack of wolves, Raleigh waited for Madison to do something aside of keeping her attention in her phone. In the next ten minutes, she didn't even sip the milkshake and that both relaxed Misty - who was worried about whatever spell was placed there - and made Raleigh anxious - she knew for a fact that she skipped both last night dinner, breakfast and lunch.

“I'll eat upstairs,” Madison finally said, standing up and taking the glass and a few chicken nuggets and fries in a bowl. “In case any of you need me.”

But when she was about to cross the kitchen door, it closed magically with a loud bang that startled Misty and Madison, make them jump a bit. Raleigh kept eating as if she didn't notice and the young girl huffed annoyed before turning around to look at Misty.

“So funny, did you want to play a prank on me?” she put down the bowl and the glass in the table again, confronting the confused witch. “Because I'm not taking any bullshit, swampy.”

“I don't know what're you talkin’ about,” Misty tensed to that, ready to fight back even when she was very much confused for what did just happened.

“Don't play the idiot, I know it was you,” she got closer to Misty and then the window did just the same as the door, but it didn't close just loud banged against the frame. “Stop or-”

“It was me,” Raleigh stopped the incoming fight without even lift her eyes from her food. Madison and Misty turned around, puzzled, to look at the other woman. “And don't ever talk to Misty like that or I'll slap the shit out of you,” the warning behind her words was enough to make Madison step back and look wherever except to Raleigh, who pulled the chair where she was sat previously and invite her to take a sit again. “Now sit, explain what the fuck is going on with you and eat.”

Both blondes looked at each other for a second and Misty knew, deep inside her, that she got caught in one of those moments she missed when they were all in the Academy. A moment were Raleigh wasn't being this entity she clashed with and instead was taking in her hands a real problem. She had heard from Zoe and Queenie - and from Cordelia, when she was tired and nostalgia made her feel overwhelmed - how Raleigh was capable to be a good mentor if she put her mind into it, but with everything that came with her returning, she wasn't believing it if she was being honest.

To see Madison obey after a couple of minutes, at least in the ‘taking a sit’ part, was truly something else. Misty stood by the counter, leaning back again since she didn’t want to leave both alone. Cordelia told her in the privacy of their room if she could manage to ‘take care’ of them an extra bit more than the rest.

“Nothing’s going…” she was got quiet for a second, taping her fingers against the glass softly. “...that’s the problem, I think,” Madison tried to avoid visual contact and Raleigh let her that, waiting for her to keep talking. “I’m not going to be an actress anymore.”

Raleigh scrunched up her nose a bit with that soft whisper. She always wanted to ask her if she actually thought of herself as that, so at least her curiosity was fulfilled somehow. Maybe not in the good way but well.

“I can’t feel my magic anymore…” even as a trembling statement, it came with the determination of someone that was coming into terms with themselves. And that was a very brave thing to do.

“I couldn’t neither right when I came back,” Misty raised her voice shyly and Raleigh put the last of her burger in her mouth, as if she just wanted to listen to them talking. “It took me months to be able to bloom a flower, everythin’ used to die under my touch.”

“I bet screwing Cordy sped up the process,” there wasn’t malice behind the comment, it was just a simple ‘messing around’ type of comment that was welcomed by the other witch.

“Actually it made it worse,” a soft chuckle that made Raleigh sip her milkshake while looking at her food so she didn’t have to see how her face was blushing lightly. “Dee has too much magic and it kinda suck whatever I had left, so it got to the point where she had to make me potions to fix my ‘magic flow’.”

Madison actually chuckled at that and eased the tension in the kitchen. She was telling them her worries, but not talking about them. Raleigh was still glad that she could address her problems at least, it was easier for her to pick up more details. However, she wanted to counterattack the most immediate one: Madison's eating habits. If that wasn't taking cared of, the other problems wouldn't even exists.

“That's why you aren't eating?” direct, Raleigh bit down half nugget and looked at her. Madison still refused to look anywhere else than her vanilla milkshake. “Are you too worried about not being a famous witch actress to even eat?”

Crossing the line she knew was there, the tension was up again. Raleigh caught Misty putting a confused face and when she looked directly at Madison, the girl was looking at her lap with serious face. She had spent three years buried in a ditch, waiting to heal; she could spend all the necessary minutes to let Madison explain herself. Silence overtook them yet again but it didn't stop Raleigh to keep having her meal. Lifting her eyes from the plate, she made visual contact with Misty for a second and it felt as if they never were giving this stupid ‘silent treatment’ to each other. It only took Raleigh a tiny gesture with her fingers to make the other witch round the table to stand by her side.

Circling her thighs with an arm as sweet gesture and then resting her hand up in Misty's lower back, Raleigh sighed a bit. That was something at least. Misty left her glass in the table to take some fries with one hand and her free rested over Raleigh's shoulders naturally. As if it was the most natural thing.

“It's just…like last time,” Madison mumbled, frowning slightly. “I can't feel anything, I don't know what else to do…if I try to eat, it taste like ashes and then my stomach gets upset and then I have to, you know,” she didn't say the word but she motioned with her hand making it obvious. When Raleigh nor Misty didn't said a thing, she chuckled darkly and shook her head. “This is why I didn't want to talk, you think I'm crazy.”

“Not at all,” Raleigh took the lead again, wiping her fingers in the napkin in front of her before placing her free hand between Madison's shoulder blades. “Look cupcake, and this comes from someone that is allegedly batshit crazy, you are not,” it was then when her hand rested in Madison's nape that she actually looked at her in the eyes. The big word made the youngest giggle. “And we are here for you. We will figure something out to help you, but you have to let us.”

Upon looking up to the two women in front of her, Madison felt her chest tight. They weren't patronizing her, they were just worried about her. Misty had a half smile on, as if she was encouraging her to keep going and take the words to her heart, with this spark in her eyes she lacked when they were at the Academy before the Seven Wonders; Raleigh was looking at her with maybe tenderness? It was hard to discern thanks to the terrible and scary scar that crossed her face took over any other emotion, but her hand not leaving its place at her nape was enough to reassure her of it.

What a weird feeling was that of feeling taken care of.

Tears pushed for freedom, but Madison held them in by just closing her eyes a second. Deep inside she knew it wasn’t necessary for her to reply at what Raleigh said, so she took that opportunity to just take the glass to her lips and finally sip at the vanilla milkshake. With her eyes closed, trying to pick the sweet flavour over the ashes one, Madison couldn’t notice how Raleigh seemed at ease with that gesture while Misty looked troubled for letting her drink when she didn’t know what spell the other woman had put in the beverage.

“I didn’t want to sound pushy,” it was a muttered unspoken apology while Raleigh withdrew her hand from Madison’s nape when the humidity and the heat started to become too much for her to keep touching her, skin to skin. “I’ll be happy if you drink at least half of that milkshake, or just a few more sips, whatever you feel like, okay?”

Madison nodded and Misty could see how something was worrying her by the way she had her eyes were fixated in her lap. She wasn’t a really patient person - the only bit of patience she had was when it came to use her green magic, and even then she still specially wasn’t - so the only thing to ease her nerves came in the form of stuffing a few french fries in her mouth. She couldn’t help but wonder how Raleigh managed to keep her cool that well, but again she realized she still had too much to learn about the woman’s true persona. Feeling her, however, with her hand resting in the small of her back, was a good start. It was also the first time they actually ‘touch’ since Raleigh came back, the first time they were kind of exchanging more than pained and angry glances - which were coming mostly from Misty’s side.

Each too busy inside their own heads, they didn’t expected what Madison did next.

For Raleigh was really strange to feel someone wanting to be that close to her, but she once let Zoe did the same several years ago. Madison wasn’t heavy, not at all, so it wasn’t something uncomfortable having her sitting in her right leg like a child. None of them said something but Misty’s grip tightened softly in Raleigh’s shoulder when the latter looked up to her, watching how the girl was dividing a chicken nugget with her fingers and nibbling at it. They were lucky the kitchen door was closed, because they made a really odd picture just eating in silence there, the three of them, as if they were the only ones.

“If any of you say something about this, I’m going to run over you two with my car,” Madison mumbled that as a warning after sipping her drink once again.

Raleigh couldn’t help but chuckle at that, giving her a few pats in her back, while Misty huffed in defeat before separate herself from the other two to refill her glass of iced tea. That was the old Madison trying to speak through the new one, making everything sound totally different than she intended. Not that the other two would actually say something, Misty considering if telling Cordelia was the right choice after the problem was ‘fixed’ at it seemed.

They fell again in another comfortable silence, only interrupted by the soft clinks from the plates and glasses, as they keep eating. Madison managed to get through two chicken nuggets, four french fries and a quarter of milkshake before standing up from Raleigh’s leg, who finished off the rest of the food as if she was starving. The girl waved goodbye awkwardly to the other two and when they were sure she was far away from the kitchen, Raleigh sighed loudly before standing up to clean.

“What did’ya put in her drink?”

Misty turned around to watch Raleigh doing the simple task. They never got to be like that, such domestic setting.

“Why would I?” Raleigh shrugged with tiredness overcoming her voice, the hot water making her start to sweat again slightly.

“I don’t know,” there was something in Misty’s voice that sounded like a mix of fear and anger. “I don’t know what’s goin’ on in your head.”

Anymore. Both listened the silent word even when it wasn’t said at all. But that didn’t stop Raleigh to finish the task, drying her hands in a cloth. She didn’t want to look at the Cajun witch and face the confusion nor the anger, not right now when she spent the last bits of energy in trying to make Madison feel better.

“Do you know what’s vanilla used for?”

“What’s with that-“

“Appetite-inducing effect, or that they say, it was a risky move to do since I read that can be the opposite however,” before she could keep talking, Raleigh interrupted her. That was one of the things she used to hate of her, how she seemed to work in another plane of existence where she didn’t have to wait for anyone to give her an answer. “Even if it’s not the real thing what the milkshakes have, it still something,” another shrug, as if she was considering the options floating in her head. “I just busted it up with a couple spells. If she had upset stomach, it would do her some good, but I also did another one so the food stay where it has to stay just in case.”

Puzzled, Misty stood there speechless. Raleigh placed the extra order of chicken nuggets somewhere visible so when the other residents of the house came in time for dinner, they could find it easily. As much as she hated how smartass the other woman was at times, it also attracted her that side of her. Cordelia was a bit like that too, but in a different way, a softer one at least.

Patting her shoulder awkwardly, Raleigh took that as her cue to leave the kitchen. Too much interaction for her like in just one day, she was going to take the current book she was reading and find a silent shadow-y spot in the backyard to read until dinner.

Yet still, she stopped before crossing the door.

“Misty?” her name was strange to her lips, used to call for her using her designated nicknames in the past. It would take a while to get used to the new situation. “You should talk to Cordelia about this once she’s back, she is the potioncraft genius after all,” another soft laugh falling from Raleigh’s lips that warmed Misty a bit. “Spells doesn’t last much, I’m afraid.”

After that, the Academy fell again in its day routine. It wasn’t the time yet to discuss or dwell in the past. Everything had to start flowing again, slowly but surely, so the right time could come.

Until dinner time, each of the ‘adults’ in the house occupied themselves in diverse stuff. Queenie had fallen asleep to her show after finishing her burger; Madison kinda took a nap too with her earphones on and blocking the sound of the chattering in the halls and rooms; Raleigh finished her book within a couple hours, keeping herself in the backyard enjoying the silence; and Misty tried to keep an eye on the girls before going to their private collection of books to pick up some of Cordelia's notebooks about botanic.

But when the time arrived, their resident voodoo witch gathered them all outside the kitchen back door just to witness the said battle royale from before. Misty actually placed a bet in the end - “one of the oldies gonna hit a youngie in their way” - and they waited patiently for it to happen. Mallory was the first one to appear for dinnertime and she completely ignored the junk food, but when the rest of the students came in that was a battlefield. After a few minutes they caught a youngling teleporting without the rest noticing, the full chicken nugget container in her hands.

“Shit girl, that's not fair,” Queenie complained jokingly along Madison's annoyed huff. “You're using your power to win.”

“I don't know what are you talking about sister,” Raleigh laughed openly, gesturing them with her fingers to hand over the cash from the bet. “I was this lucky before you were born; now hand the money my good witches, mama has to buy a laptop.”

The three witches looked at the oldest of them with something similar to awe, maybe because they didn't see her that relaxed in forever.

Although they still missed how her eyes didn't spark with that happiness she seemed to feel.

[justmegawatt]

Journal Day 177 - Raven Rant

Tuesday, April 18th 2017

Megg’s Schedule for the Day:

7:45 – 8:00 = Write schedule for the day (Got distracted, went on Reddit for a while, done at 8:00) 8:00 – 8:15 = Cook food (Done at 8:04, just had to wash then boil some potatoes) 8:15 – 8:30 = Shower (Done and fully changed at 8:19 AM) 8:30 – 9:00 = Eat food (Done at 8:55 AM. Time to chill). 9:00 – 9:30 = Chill (Done at 9:30) 9:30 – 10:00 = Drive to work (Done at 10:02) 10:00 – 4:45 = Work (Done at 4:46) 4:45 – 6:00 = Drive Home (Done at 5:15) 6:00 – 6:30 = Go out for a walk (Done at 7:30) 6:30  - 7:00 = Read CS1102 Assignments (Did it this morning during my ‘Chill’ time) 7:00 – 8:00 = CS1102 Discussion Assignment, Check out Programming Assignment (Done at 9:35 PM) 8:00 – 9:00 = Online Course (Skip) 9:00 – 10:00 = Re-Edit Fast Typing Video, and re-upload to YouTube (Skip) 10:00 – 10:30 = Journal entry (easy, done at 11:50 PM) 10:30 – Onwards = Sleep

Do you see how much time work and driving time takes up in a day? It makes it difficult to do anything else because there is almost NO TIME to do anything else.

8:34 AM

Breakfast this morning. Prep time: 2 minutes.

“But where do you get your protein?” Every food has protein. The meat industry has people brainwashed to think that only meat has protein, the milk industry has brainwashed people to drink fluids from a non-human animal after their growth period, and to get them to believe that only milk has calcium.

--

8:57 AM

It’s time to chill, because I don’t want to drive to work right away. I’m going to spend this time reading my homework assignment for CS1102.

--

11:12 AM

I’m in the office now. Had my 10 AM meeting. There’s at least 3 new people joining the company today, one of them is on our team. We’re going out to lunch later to celebrate a new member coming onboard. It’s also another team member’s birthday today so he will choose where we go, I think it’s his 35th birthday.

--

1:38 PM

Kind of bullshit. I was forced to go out into lunch and birthday boy chose to go out to a steakhouse grill restaurant. I looked at the menu and there was no vegan friendly choices on there, except for a salad. No one at work knows I’m a vegan, and I wasn’t about to be bugged about it. I chose to order the fish tacos, and I ate them. I felt like shit during and after. They didn’t even taste good. Destroying a life, harming the environment, contributing to the extinction of all ocean life, and damaging my health, wasn’t worth eating those tacos. I shook my head and looked down as I munched. Fucking bullshit.

The typical conversation around the table was about sports. Then it was about music. Then it was about dance floors and clubs. Society is pretty dumb. Those things are cool, but they’re not that exciting. There is so much more to do and talk about in life, why would I care about who the latest sports star is, or which new trap songs are nice?

But at least I know what’s wrong with the world and how to fix it. Am I going to be a revolutionary? I hope so.

--

2:14 PM

I feel sleepy. Must be the animal fats and cholesterol clogging up my arteries from the tacos I ate. High blood pressure leads to brain shrinkage. That’s why lowering my blood pressure is one of my main focuses. To get there, I’m focusing on losing weight first. I’m only strong when I’m powered by plants.

--

3:53 PM

Still insanely sleepy. I’m not the only one, everyone else in my team looks groggy as shit. People think this is normal?

--

4:21 PM

I actually went and took a nap for around 10 minutes. Those animal fats and cholesterol going through my veins, it’s been a while since I’ve had so much artery clogging.

--

5:16 PM

It’s about 44 minutes until I have to go out for a walk, so I’ll work on a video during this time. A quick Java tutorial.

--

6:58 PM

I got distracted for a bit and went on Reddit for the longest time. It took me around an hour afterwards to make the video and then render it. While the video was rendering I got distracted again and went on Reddit. But anyway, here is the end result of the video: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8ggU_qbeV8k

--

11:13 PM

I’m definitely off schedule because I was supposed to go to sleep at 10:30 PM and not at 11:13 PM. However, it’s all good. Writing the journal entry throughout the day makes me not even have to write a journal entry later at night. I can skip that part entirely basically.

We live in a society where it is abnormal to not eat animals. But you’re crazy if you intentionally kill a bald eagle, or a kangaroo, or a panda, or a koala, or a chimpanzee. And we have no instinct to randomly just kill or eat any animal we come across. I have never seen a chicken, or a cow, or a pig, and thought “I need to kill these guys for food, these guys look tasty to me”, and same with fish, I’ve never had an instinct to kill or eat any fish, and I own goldfish, he should look appetizing to me.

91% of the Amazon Rainforest has been destroyed for animal agriculture. 2500 gallons of water are needed to produce one pound of beef. 1000 gallons are needed for 1 gallon of milk, one of the most unnatural ‘foods’ that we have, and it makes no sense that anyone even drinks it, besides that the dairy industry has a ton of money. We have nearly empty oceans and 99% of several fish populations have already been wiped out. The Great Barrier Reef is basically dead now thanks to all the environmental damage that we have done since more than 51% of earth’s CO2 emission is from animal agriculture.

More than 6 million animals are killed for food every hour, unnecessarily mind you. I’ve not been vegan my entire life, but I find completely unnecessary to eat meat at all. It’s not required in any diet. In fact the longest living populations on the planet are vegan. The people with the lowest cancer risk, the lowest heart attack risk, the lowest Alzheimer’s risk, the lowest diabetes risk, the lowest obesity risk, the lowest high blood pressure risk, the best looking people, the smartest people, the most energetic people, and so on, are vegans.

Veganism is the fucking healthiest diet in the world, the most sustainable diet in the fucking world, and the most humane diet in the world, and it’s abnormal in our society. In fact, if you’re a vegan, you’re a weirdo. That shows you that society is very retarded. I’m above the retardation however. I mean don’t be surprised that society is full of dumb fucks. You have people strapping bombs to their chest and committing suicide over their religion.

Women didn’t even receive the right to vote until the 1920s, black males received the right to vote earlier than women. So we enslave an entire race of people, then we free them. Then we give their males the right to vote. BUT the 50% of the population, WOMEN, we just ignored and didn’t give EQUAL RIGHTS AS MEN until ~100 years ago.

Not only that, segregation still existed until less than 50 years ago. LESS THAN 50 YEARS AGO. Before then, whites were still viewed as superior, and had more rights, more privileges. It took us until just 50 years ago to treat people of our SAME SPECIES as equal. I’m not surprised society is taking ages to understand how to treat other species better.

At the same time though, the main conversations you hear from people is about sports, music, or some other retarded shit that really doesn’t matter in the world. This is the first world. You have more people rioting in the streets for a sports game, rather than an actual important issue in the world. Fuck man.

This is the world I live in, and it’s full of shit. There is shit everywhere. But again, I don’t stay silent. I’m slowly, very slowly, getting to where I want to be. How long will it take? I think a decade or more. Crawling is slow, but it’s faster than standing still. I’m ashamed of people, we spent the majority of time doing nothing; watching tv, playing games, browsing social media. That’s what we spend our time doing. Instead of cleaning up the environment, solving world problems, or improving ourselves, we spend it wasting away. This society is fucked.

The world is pretty stupid. But that doesn’t stop the few of us who are trying.

 Selfie for the day

[dreamycafelover]

Breaking Through 2016

2016 was the toughest year for me. I couldn’t let go of the fact that there are things beyond my control. AND SO, I hide myself to the world because I don’t want others, especially loved ones to recognize my weaknesses and darkest moments. I was afraid to be vulnerable. I don’t want others to peel the several layers I’ve built for myself throughout the years..but in reality, I was actually more broken than ever. I’m happy that there are new people in my life that helped me pull myself back together. 

I wanted to reflect back on the things that makes me who I AM NOW and what I discovered from all the painful yet significant experiences. Suffering has meaning in itself. This sums up the year in review: recovery period.  

1. FOCUS ON HOW YOU FEEL

EMBARRASSING FACT: I was afraid to be called “FAT” and “UGLY”. Yes I know, how vain of me. Few of us can actually admit this. THIS mentality fueled my binge eating problems. Of course, after losing so much weight in the past, binge eating will always be a problem biologically.  Because of the fear that people can never accept me if I’m not thin enough, I’m so angry at myself for losing control. (p.s. I liked Mark Manson’s concept of calling this the “feedback loop from hell”) I was always circling on a loop between my weight and guilt. My weight fluctuated 3x this year. I’ve also reached the heaviest weight that I could ever be in. I was both ashamed and tired for that. 

I tried to hide for a while until my weight comes back to normal. But, it fluctuated more and more and more. And I hide and hide and hide for almost a year. I knew for a fact that something is not right. So, the solution? CHANGE MY FUCKING METRIC in recovery. RECOVERY SHOULD BE ABOUT HOW YOU FEEL NOT HOW YOU LOOK. I’ve read some books about eating disorders (I need self-help because this is not a common problem in the Philippines duh? Poverty rampant country, binge eating srsly?).The best one that I’ve read is about the Intuitive Eating Program. I was happy that I found the right book for me, which was very practical and reliable. I try to practice the 10 principles there (If you ever experienced Eating Disorders, I highly recommend it). And of course, because of that, I paid less attention to how I look but how I feel to better improve myself. “Progress, not perfection, is what counts” 

Currently, I am not as stick thin as before and I may never be. But IT’S OKAY! I EAT NORMALLY THAN EVER. This means anything from a combination of play foods (junk foods) and healthy ones. A balance of nutrition and satisfaction! No more deprivation and restrictive eating. Admit it, diet is never sustainable. I know what I’m currently doing is enough. 

 2. LIFE IS FULL OF SHIT WITH RAINBOWS AND BUTTERFLIES. They Co-Exist.

Thank you for your lessons, Mark Manson (author of The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck) , that “accepting the negative experience is in itself a positive experience”. One thing I’ve learned about my binge eating problem was that it was a way to numb feelings, it’s quite similar to drugs. I tried to escape unwanted feelings by chasing artificial highs.  

When I started working, I got so pissed off with the 2-hour commute. EVERYDAY, it was like hell. I’m a type of person who doesn’t want my time to be wasted in traffic or the hassle of waiting for a ride. Ughh. Okay, so here’s what happened… I eat like a beast when I finally got home. I eat up all the anger and frustration. “I’m so angryyyy fuck I’m gonna eat everything because I deserve it!!!” I realized, this is actually what “Entitled” people always say.. that you are “special” or “uniquely different”. It was was a big and whole slap in the face. I’m being an immature, self-entitled prick. Everybody who is working there has to endure that heavy traffic.. then what makes my experience special?!? None.

So, what did I do to make it right? ACCEPT IT and FIND OTHER WAYS TO LIVE WITH IT. There’s no one quick fix to traffic, even the most brilliant president could never solve it and so can I! I spent my time to things I deemed worthy (other then work) instead of focusing my attention to the shitty traffic. Here it is, I spent most of my time at the gym (doing highly intense, vein popping exercises) and downloaded tons of books and dramas in my phone. THERE, I FOUND NEW HOBBIES. Problem solved. 

3. BE WHO YOU ARE 

Ever since young, I avoided disappointments, conflict, pain, etc. I don’t want others disliking me, I don’t want somebody talking about me behind my back. In short, I want to control how others think about me. So, i want to be perfect in the best way I can. “When I was called fat , I tried to lose weight”. “When my grades aren’t being high enough, I spent most of my time studying, "I pretend to like what my friends like” See.. always trying to be “Ms. Perfect”. But this actually made me more distant to not just others but also MYSELF. I didn’t know who I was. I couldn’t answer the most common things about me. I just do what I do to be liked and accepted.

How did I cope up with this? Actually, I didn’t come up with a solution. It just happened. I spent most of the year hiding before and during my recovery phase. The side effect was more time ALONE, which at times may feel sad and lonely, yet a fulfilling experience. I knew myself better. I can’t say that I’ve discovered everything about me because self-awareness is an ITERATIVE process. There’s no end point. And yes, you should accept negative emotions which I avoided for almost all of my life. They're the best signals to tell you something's wrong and that you should do something about it. Negativity does not exist for no reason.

These are just some of the lessons I learned for almost a year of self contemplation. Have I not felt the insecurities, loneliness, and fear then I would not have taken action to improve myself better.  I’m happy I’ve been exposed to the self-help market, met new people, and moments I enjoyed alone. Now, I’m ready to face 2017! Let’s do it. 

BE BRAVE. EMBRACE YOUR FEARS. NO MORE BREAKDOWNS.