#one that helps me is that trying clothes on in the store made me breakdown

[velocitic]

something on my mind lately that i'm not sure entirely how to phrase is like - this is mostly targeted at white trans influencer types, but i find something very grating on the kind of body negativity posting i see in relation to dealing with body dysmorphia. now, body dysmorphia/dysphoria are something that anyone can experience, and not everyone does, and it's different for different people. however, i take issue with the content made around learning how to "pass" by hiding your body, and specifically the language used for it. primarily i see this around "wide hips", and i do see the need and/or want for clothing tips that help people feel comfortable in their bodies, and i don't think there is anything intrinsically wrong with this content's primary goal. however, as trans owned/focused fashion brands are becoming more in number, i'm finding that the representatives i am seeing for these brands are overwhelmingly white, skinny, transmasc individuals. and the language used to market their products is one that is, i think, meant to be addressing dysphoria, but it comes across to me as a narrowly defined negative view. as someone with a larger chest and a larger/stockier frame, all of the tips about "hiding" my wider hips can do nothing tangible for my appearance. you cannot hide genuinely large/noticeable features of your body; trust me, i've tried for years to do so, and sometimes i still try in vain to wear the straight jeans and the special cut tee shirts, and it just leaves me feeling worse because i am not the target audience of these tips. i am not skinny. i also do not think i subscribe to this belief that wide hips are a "dead giveaway" that will prevent you from passing; i think that (and other such beliefs) honestly is rooted in bioessentialist beliefs that i wish we would all unpack and be a lot better off without.

it is not to say that skinny trans people's issues with their bodies are not valid or not okay to talk about. but i do think that rebranding body negativity into the language of progressive thought is unfair and cruel whether it is shaving razor ads telling women that they are beautiful no matter what but that doesn't mean stop shaving, or if it is a skinny, flat chested, white trans person telling me that all trans people are wonderful but more importantly how much their wide hips bother them - and how a product can "fix" both of these issues.

and how am i meant to feel about this whole thing, anyway? if this skinny person's hips are too wide, then what the hell is wrong with me? there is inherent comparison in self hate. putting yourself down will only lead to holding bias against those who are "worse" than you (whether you're aware of it or not) & broadcasting to all the other people with the feature you hate about yourself are surely also ugly or inferior in the same way you believe yourself to be. i don't think body dysmorphia should not be talked about. i do think that talking about it in the language of product placement and brand marketing is doomed from the start. when a skinny person says that their hips are too wide, their jaw is too soft, they hate their nose and with a chest like theirs they'll never pass, i earnestly have no idea what to possibly say, because in their self hate they have entirely vilified me. i am short and stocky with muscle and my jaw is soft and i have acne and wide hips and a large chest. how am i meant to feel safe with those who believe my features to be their worst nightmare? how can i build community with you when i can imagine how you preen in the mirror over your 110 lb build and how awful it is?

this is what is meant when we talk about self love as a form of resistance. you cannot expect to be a safe person as long as you hate yourself for being human.

[a66-1]

starving.

Simon x Fem!Insecure!Reader.

Part 1 | ???

TW: Talk of ed's, negative self talk, low self esteem, bad mouthing (from reader to herself, comes with the territory) cursing, self harm. i tried not to be too descriptive with the reader, so EVERY insecure girlie who reads this feels seen. (these tw are for the whole thing, im pretty sure this is gonna be a series)

a/n: hey. if you need help, dm me. ill talk to you if you need it :). (also i made my banners. if you want one dm me! i make them for free, just with credit :)) NOT PROOF READ

i hope your doing okay honey.

Stepping out of the shower, the towel around you just big enough to touch ends is slipped around yourself. Showering is getting harder. You can barely stand glancing at the mirror now.

You dry yourself off, and hand the towel back up. You can do it, just walk past the mirror to grab your clothes.

You take the steps past the mirror, and turn your back to the mirror to change. Slipping your bra on, and it squishes the skin on your back and you grimace.

Once your dressed, you turn back around. The nagging voices are just waiting to pounce. I mean, what? You used to be so skinny.

You used to be pretty.

You decided to let your hair air dry, and you walk into your bedroom. You had work today, but you really wish you didn't. It was a bad week, you'd skipped 3 meals in the last few days and you know what your therapist would say.

'The progress you've made, hun. You can't go back now.'

The bad days are getting too close to each other now. You used to have at least a week between them, but now it's barely 48 hours. Maybe being off medicine isn't working good anymore.

Maybe you're no good.

You throw in a big hoodie, one that covers you, and some sweat pants, glancing at the big mirror in your room.

You can't stop analyzing yourself.

There's not one good thing on you is it?

Fuck.

The rest of the day was spent at your stupid 9-5, with your stupid boss, in your stupid, lonely life. Christ, being off anti-depressants is really hitting you hard. Everyone at your job is stupid and today every customer who wants to blow you ear off about how you kids these days, by the end of the day, your so tense that your shoulders are aching.

You got about 30 minutes left at this off-brand kroger store, when a big, big ass man walks in, shoving a mask with a skull print on it on. You curse to yourself, you really don't want to have to call the police for a robbery, you just want to go home.

To be honest, if he had a gun, you'd be half tempted to let him shoot you-

"Ma'am?" A heavy British accent came from your right. You turn your head, and scan his few items. You don't bother with the how are you's and you sigh.

"It'll be 16.84." You drag your eyes to his, and he reaches to his pocket, pulling out..

A wallet. What else were you thinking?

He hands you a twenty, and you hand him his respective change. He bags his own items, because honestly, you seem like the only worker in the store. Your face is written with exhaustion, whether it be from this job or something else, and the guy notices.

"Have uh... A good day." He nods to you, and walks off.

You purse your lips, and sigh, closing your cashier, because fuck finishing today. You're too close to a breakdown, and you're not trying to let anyone see.

You drive home, your hands tight around the wheel. You know it's a bad idea to be driving this emotional, to the point you wonder what would happen if you swerve your car into a tree.

You won't do it though.

You need to get back out there. It's why you stopped taking your meds.

You promise yourself that tomorrow you'll go out, and at least get a one night stand, you want need, anything.

Once home and in bed, you scroll and scroll and scroll. Doom scrolling is too common on these longer nights. You have a pillow tucked into your arm, and your hand squeezes it every time that pang in your lower chest rings out. Loneliness, you think.

You always scroll through your old friends instagrams or snapchats, seeing their nice bodies and nice boyfriends. You've been so nice and kind and karma should be on your side, but it always failed.

Especially after your last boyfriend.

Your friends say to wait.

To wait.

To wait.

But waiting is getting harder. Days are getting longer, and your head seems to spin more when left to its own devices. Why do you have to wait?

Your looks.

Your personality.

Who'd wanna be seen with you?

You flip your phone over, and shove your face in the pillow, your breathing staggered.

You fell asleep late, that night. The tears brought you to exhaustion.

woah why did this take 2 tries to write.

be waiting for pt.2

TRUST FINALS ARE SOOM COMING TO AN END and summer i will be STEWING TRUST!!!

Taglist!

@i-am-hungry-24-7

thank you for all the support. drunk simon blew up and im crying bc i came back after a 2 year hiatus and i wasn't getting the same feedback as usual so to finally seeing people enjoy my work again makes me feel great. <3

sorry simon wasn't in this part much. you gotta know the reader first tho, right?

bye babes..

-a661

[stikybug]

POLYCULE BRAINROT 2 ELECTRIC BOOGALOO?

More likely than you think! The Mystery event gave my little gayhearted mind a delight AND spark of inspiration? More polycule hcs , love wins ! Again, under the cut because this did not just run away from me it yanked me and dragged me around like a giant dog breed.

First hc dump post over here

I'm sure after the successful murder mystery party Lars sets up little hobby activities around st shelter for him and his partners to have excuses to spend more time together.

reactions differ.

Clarence sighs and says he's a bad influence at this point, he joins anyway, work can wait a bit for them ( time itself could arguably stand still for them, he wouldn't mind that at all either )

Alkaid makes 'tiny' suggestions when on normal dates as offerings for more ideas, Lars catches on quickly, this becomes a sort of exchange habit they make. Lars jokes how his 'little spy' is good at setting things up.

He'll probably stop after doing that for the first time, a joke really isn't worth the expression Alkaid made for a split second ,,,

Ayn doesn't need to think twice before agreeing, an entire day spent with the people he loves sounds wonderful

Cael can't help but laugh to himself, his boyfriends are more trouble than he bargained for. Though it is 5 against one with little painter taking his other partner's side

Following Cael getting annoyed while also being unable to ignore the mess he got himself into, Ayn's concert has a sequel!

Which is, Lars outside his apartment with his partners in the background to 'serenade' him.

He has half the mind to ask them how they all got here without him knowing, but he's too busy trying to stop himself from laughing due to the sheer silliness of the stunt

Honest to god, he got closer to failing by the second. When he eventually asks Lars why he's doing this the most concrete answer he got was to come downstairs to see for himself

Seeing all his partners around, light glinting in the streetlight catching on their ring fingers he seemed to get it.

Matching promise rings for all of them.

He almost teared up with this also. He has never taken it off unless it's absolutely non-negotiable

Life seems to slow down when he has it on, every day proves itself to be sweeter than the last.

Aside from the very big changes they have all noticed small changes in their dynamics - It's been feeling more comfortable.

Many things have been admitted that nobody but lovers would be allowed to know, not for the sake of taboo, but as a matter of vulnerability.

The breakdown of these barriers probably started when Alkaid sent a message in a group chat

Recalling an odd movie that he's been losing sleep over - Of some sort of awful future that was in store for him.

Everyone knew what he was about, but none of them confirmed it until he finished talking.

He talked about an awful future where he became everything he feared he was; an elusive 'spy' who hides his thoughts and feelings even from the people he cherished dearly. A duplicitous 'wolf in sheep's clothing' of a person.

Maybe he wouldn't avoid becoming like that in the future, becoming an awful partner who wouldn't deserve any of them. Going behind their backs, deciding what's 'best' for them.

Before he has a chance to spiral fully Clarence says he knows what he's talking about.

He saw an odd movie too, where he gave everything for the sake of a future, and a person he wasn't sure he'd see again in a heartbeat, unaware of how much it would break her heart to see him give until his spark was extinguished.

He was also quick to point out that they, unlike movie characters simply yanked around by the plot for convenience, had a say in the matter of how they'd wish their fate to play out.

It's not like those flaws weren't there, his were hidden gracefully where most wouldn't take notice either.

But surely, if they could support each other without any judgment they'd spare all the heartbreak.

It turned into something of an admission session then. Ayn saying he saw the same type of thing, unable to get to the 'future' with how tightly he clung onto the past that was too far away.

Cael said something similar, the movie showing a past he was sure he'd want to remember - That eventually crumbled from it's own state of stagnation.

And Lars lamented how he'd be doomed to loneliness if those movies were real, and surely a lifetime of misery without his partners at his side, roaming endlessly without a companion.

It was a relief for all of them. Even with everything embarrassing laid out in the open, nobody ran, nobody decided that was enough to end it.

Despite their fears, it seemed that did the opposite of what they were expecting. With all the weight off their shoulders just serving to deepen what they already had.

There wasn't a doubt about it, they had each other and everything would be alright.

[eschergirls]

Escher Girls Sept. 2024 Update & Patreon Thank You!

Hi everybody!  

It's September, so it's time for a site update and a thank you to all of Escher Girls' Patreon subscribers from August.

First, a quick Patreon update.  Most of you probably already know that Patreon is changing their payment model to subscription only (so "per work" and "first of the month" billing will be removed by the end of next year) because of the Apple Store requiring subscription only for any users pay through the iOS app.  Apple is also going to take 30% from all new subscriptions through their app (anything outside the app or done through browser is not affected).  I ran a poll when this change happened and nobody answered that they used the app, and some users wanted me to stay on first of the month billing as long as I can, so that's what I'm going to do.  Patreon allows users to opt out of the change until the end of next year, so I'm going to do that and see what happens next year. So, the bottom line is, nothing is changing for Escher Girls, we'll continue to stay on first-of-the-month billing, although I would recommend not using the iOS Patreon app to subscribe to anybody.

Second, for site update news, the important update is I figured out what was causing some posts not to post as scheduled sometimes and there should be no more problems.  It was an issue with how often the site updates changes to posts after I make them, and it now updates more frequently, so there should be no more issues with scheduled posts not showing up.  If you do run into any problems using the site, please don't hesitate to let me know by email or DM!  Our next big site project will be to add tag cross-referencing, so you can search for posts with multiple tags (e.g. "boobs and butt pose" + "wtf clothing"  + "marvel comics").

Third, as usual I'm going through the site archives and fixing posts from the past, adding titles to be more informative, fixing tags, adding screen-reader text to every picture, and fixing formatting and restoring broken pictures, and other issues.  It's a long and manual process and we have thousands and thousands of posts, but I try to fix a bunch every month.

This month the restorations are:

These two covers of War Goddess um... fighting a tentacle monster and getting a lot of ahem joy from murdering a monster

War Goddess and her friend squeezing each other's heads off, the caption contest about it, and a redraw of it

Spider-Woman falling as a jumble of body parts, and a great redraw and breakdown of it from Deanna M. Brigman

A hilarious cover of Ms. Marvel where Carol is attempting to do... something... as her legs become an afterthought to her breasts

A compilation post of all the "Nikki Doyle: Wild Thing" submissions I got in the past and a very nice redraw of Nikki by justthemiles 

Viola A.I. doing a boobs and butt pose swiveling at the waist like a turret from Zone of the Enders

This battlethong and butt pose from Langrisser

A boobs and butt donut pose from Danganronpa

An extremely EXTREMELY painful looking boobs and butt pose from Gun x Sword

Also, as a reminder, we've updated EscherGirls.com's layout to be easier to browse, and added a tag cloud so people can check out the most popular tags! We also added a button that links to our RSS feed for those who want to follow that way. (For newbies, RSS stands for Really Simple Syndication and is basically a feed you can read using an RSS reader. Simply copy and paste https://eschergirls.com/rss.xml into an RSS reader and it will keep you up to date on Escher Girls!)

And now I want to thank all our amazing August Patreon supporters!  Your support means so much to me because it helps me pay for domain costs and hosting, as well as for site upgrades like the ones we did a month ago which added the tag cloud and made the site easier to browse.  It also allows Escher Girls to operate independently without worrying about Tumblr content policy changes or flagging.

So thank you so so much to:

Anne Adler Cat Mara CheerfulOptimistic  Chris McKenzie Em Bardon First Time Trek Greg Sepelak Ken Trosaurus Kevin Carson Kim Wincen Kristoffer Illern  Holmén Leak  Manuel Dalton Mary Kuhner Max Schwarz Michael Mazur Miriam Pody Morgan McEvoy randomisedmongoose Rebecca Breu Ringoko  Ryan Gerber Sam Mikes Sean Sea SpecialRandomCast  Thomas 

And a sincere thank you to everybody who generally reads and interacts with the site, and people who participate in the caption contests because you're all great and hilarious!  Your interactions make running the site very fun and worth it. 

Also, coming up next week is the Escher Girls' 13th anniversary.  I asked Patreon supporters to vote on what I should do for it, and they voted for a "best of" Escher Girls post featuring pictures from the archive that didn't get a lot of attention when they were first posted, so that's what I'm going to do.

Stay tuned!

Ami

If you have any issues with the site or suggestions to improve it, please do not hesitate to contact me and let me know!

If you wish to support Escher Girls, you can subscribe to our Patreon at: https://www.patreon.com/ami_angelwings or donate through Ko-Fi at: https://ko-fi.com/amiangelwings.

[broodyjoey]

I want the Maya Kern skirt...But I'm scared...I might be broke by Sept...🥹🥲

The world needs to take care of me and stop bullying me into mental breakdowns...I need to buy the things I need. Not end up with a bag of things I didn't want 😭😭😭😭 gonna kill myself because I always end up buying random substitutes that are wonky or fucking wrong and it makes me so fucking broken in the end.

Like I did ALL the research and all the comparing only to get something that isn't good for me. Like I cave to the last minute pressure and end up with something I didn't want. I hate it.

I should've gotten another laptop, I should've gotten another glasses (this regret is now fixed), I should've gotten another shoe colour, I should've gotten another skirt (and now that skirt is Limited Edition, because the store shut down in my country), I should've gotten another dress...and now I don't know if the dress I fell in love with is still there...

Not that it matters, because I don't like wearing sleeveless anyways...maybe it wasn't meant to be.

And so I watch as my beloved thing get taken away.

Fuck my life. I really hate being so easily convinced, so fucking gullible and susceptible to peer pressure.

I wanted a Maya Kern skirt for YEARS. I never got it...instead I got convinced into getting a shitty skirt that kept giving me closet malfunctions during CNY...die lah, fucking cotton-on skirt kept riding up my thighs, don't even have pockets...

Made me look so fucking bad and the worst part is my friend never followed the fucking promise she made with me, about the damn shitty clothing anyways. Something about meeting each other up in matching outfits...Fuck it, I'm selling that bitch.

Get that money and cash it on skirts I ACTUALLY WANT, BABEH!! 😎

Nowadays I realise, comfort over trends is actually helping me find a very good looking style. A-lines are so comfy, and it turns out, they also are very compatible with pear shapes. Like, fuck that tiny ass cotton-on bandage jeans skirt, that shit is getting eaten up by my thighs...

Stupid ass hourglass shaped friend...that mf always out here sabotaging me in all her insidious ways. Starting to think she's really not a friend at all...fucker put me with a ticking time bomb of a bf and told me I'd be able to handle it. THEN WHAT IF I DID WORSE THAN WHAT I ACTUALLY DID?? I escaped only by the skin of my teeth and my trauma from being used. Imagine if I thought it was good to try to get over the trauma with him 🤮🤮🤮 THEN WHAT??

If I got preggers, out of wed-lock, in a fucking strict Chinese family, who tf is going to help me out???

Bitch isn't even going to help me, she'll probably call me a slut, like the time I told her I made out with my bf, BEFORE I EVEN KNEW HE WAS A FUCKING TICKING TIME BOMB....

Bitch really called me a slut for info I didn't know. Like fuck off, you're no friend. You're what people call a damn enemy.

Years later she says that my relationship was based on coercion...like go fuck yourself, you're the one who told me I was a big baby for complaining and crying for help. FUCK OFF.

[hxneyfaerie]

The Peachfield Chronicles Chapter Two

Settling In

Arabella leans forward and snatches another slice of pizza from the greasy box splayed over the coffee table, pointing the tip at Layla as she speaks. "I wasn't that bad!"

Layla giggles. "You would scream if we put you in anything other than pink! Little did we know we had a budding fashion designer on our hands."

Arabella feels her cheeks flush. "Actually, I'm even better now" - she pulls out her phone - "look, I run a fashion blog on Trendi."

Layla's eyes widen as she takes her phone and scrolls through the profile. "Oh, wow! Your pictures are great! But where did you get the money for all those outfits?"

"I get sponsored," Arabella says. "Companies pay me to promote their clothes. And I also sell outfits on Trendi, I put them together from the Thrift store and people just buy the entire fit."

A small line forms down the centre of Layla's otherwise smooth forehead. "Shouldn't you be focusing on school, not making money?"

Arabella bristles. Actually, I've made a business plan. Complete with a breakdown of estimated bills and a payment plan for the house."

Layla blinks at Arabella in bewilderment. "Geez, sis. You need to remember to be a kid as well."

"I haven't really been given the chance," Arabella snaps.

Layla flinches. Arabella softens instantly, regretting her words. "I'm sorry. Do you - uh - want to see the plan?"

It may not be the most comforting offer, but Layla can see that Arabella, too, is trying. So she buries the hurt, smiles in agreement and follows her younger sister to her newly decorated bedroom.

Before they settled in for a pizza night, Arabella spent the afternoon unpacking her clothes and belongings. But mostly her clothes. She'd had to store her clothes folded under her bed as there's absolutely no space for a dresser of any kind. She's covered the walls with artsy, pastel posters that Sofia had helped her choose to move in with. Her large desk is covered with pen pots, beauty supplies, and most importantly, her baby pink and blue custom-built PC.

Layla runs a finger delicately along the length of its screen. "This is... impressive. Where did you get it?"

Arabella stiffens slightly. "Ah. Clara and Bjorn bought it for me, for my sixteenth."

Layla can't quite recall where she was for Arabella's sixteenth. "Of course they did. How nice."

No doubt, the couple will lord this over Layla at their next gallery opening. Everything they've done for Arabella over the last two years. Not that Layla isn't incredibly grateful, she'd just rather not be reminded of her failures every waking moment.

"Look, Bells," she sighs, reaching out to her sister.

Arabella tenses at first, but after a moments thought she allows Layla to pull her towards the bed. They sit together, Layla's arm wrapped tight around her younger sister.

"I'm not going to do it again," Layla continues, almost choking on her words. "I'm in a better place now. And I'm selling my art. It pays the bills. Maybe one day I'll even show in a gallery."

"Maybe," Arabella mumbles.

"Hey," Layla says, pulling her closer. "It will be better this time, I promise."

"You don't have to promise anything."

"Stop protecting me from myself, Bells. I want to make this promise. Let's just take this one day at a time." She pulls back to look Arabella in the face. "Tonight, we can just finish that pizza and watch a shitty horror movie. Sound good?"

Arabella grins. "Ice cream for dessert?"

"Now you're talking!"

They race back to the lounge in a desperate fight to claim the biggest slice of pizza, and as she settles into the warm sofa, Arabella thinks that maybe this move was the right decision after all.

[briannaisanxious]

Let Me Help You, Please [Austin Butler x fem!reader]

A/N: i didn’t proofread this one and i have sick brain right now so i’m v sorry if there are mistakes or my word choices are repetitive :) i couldn’t get this out of my head so i just had to write it anyways i hope you enjoy it :)

word count: 1.3k

warnings: panic attack, talk of intrusive thoughts/self-confidence issues and insecurities, implied claustrophobia

summary: you get overwhelmed while trying on clothes for your birthday, and austin is there to help you out

You huffed as your eyes slowly scanned your body in the fitting room mirror. Some song you’d already heard way too many times droned on over the store speakers and you could hear a mother and daughter talking in the next room over. Must be nice, you thought, having to worry about the color of a dress, not which of your insecurities it will flaunt to the world. This was the fourth store you’d been to today, in search of an outfit to wear for your upcoming birthday. Everything you tried on looked wrong on you. It didn’t matter how many different styles, colors, or fabrics you tried, none of them looked right. All of them seemed to direct attention straight to something you’d hoped to hide. You made eye contact with yourself in the mirror once again, shaking your head and fighting back the intrusive thoughts. The ones that told you that you weren’t good enough, that you were too big to wear anything this nice. You knew they weren’t true, but seeing yourself like this, you almost started to believe them. A knock on the door to your fitting room snapped you back into reality. 

“How’s it going in there, y/n?” your boyfriend, Austin, asked you through the wood. He was your biggest supporter, and he always told you that you looked gorgeous in whatever you chose to wear. You knew that he didn’t care what your body looked like, and that he loved you exactly as you were, but you also knew that he wouldn’t be able to understand the way that your brain attacked itself and that it would only break his heart if you told him about the way you saw yourself. You bit your lip.

“Good, Aus, I’ll be out in a minute,” you hollered back at him, doing your best to hide the disappointment and sadness in your voice. This certainly wouldn’t be your first breakdown in a fitting room, and it probably wouldn’t be the last, but you’d never had Austin with you when it happened. You almost wished you hadn’t let him come with you in the first place, but he had seemed excited to tag along, offering to take you out to lunch afterwards and everything. 

You quietly sighed as you reached for the zipper on the back of the dress. Once you found it, you began pulling it down, but it only moved about an inch before it suddenly decided to refuse to unzip. Your palms began to sweat and you could feel your heartbeat start to race.

“Shit, shit, shit, stupid zipper,” you mumbled to yourself.

“Everything alright in there, babe?” Austin asked.

Although you wanted to let him in so that he could help you out of the dress, you didn’t want him seeing you like this. You told him that you were fine, though by the tone of your voice, it was blatantly obvious that you weren’t. You kept tugging at the zipper, as if that would help anything. 

“Okay, it’s obvious you’re not fine, maybe just let me in and I can help you out? Please?” your boyfriend pleaded.

“Really, it’s not a big deal. It’s just that this stupid zipper won’t come undone.”

“Can I try to help?”

Defeated, and beginning to spiral into a panic attack, you unlocked the door and stepped away. The tears began to fall down your cheeks as you helplessly struggled against the zipper in your hands. Austin opened the door and poked his head in, making eye contact with you and immediately rushing in to come to the rescue, closing the door behind him. 

“Oh, baby, why are you crying?”

You just let go of the zipper and turned around so that he could have access to it. You weren’t sure how, but he managed to get it unstuck and freed you from the dress. He grabbed you by the shoulders, turning you back around to face him. He held your face in his hands, searching your eyes in the hopes that they would reveal something to him.

“You’re free now, y/n. It’s okay. It’s all gonna be just fine. Do you want to change back into your clothes?” he asked you, wiping the tears from your cheeks. You nodded.

“Do you want me to leave while you do that?”

You nodded again. He kissed you on the forehead as he backed away from you and left the room, closing the door again.

You took the dress off as quickly as you could, making sure to avoid seeing yourself in the mirror. You grabbed your shirt and jeans and pulled them back on feverishly. You put the dress back on its hanger and walked out of the fitting room, leaving it behind. Normally, you’d put it back where you’d gotten it from, but you couldn’t bare to look at it any longer. Austin stood up from where he was sitting against the wall opposite your fitting room, intertwining his fingers with yours and walking back through the store with you. 

“Back to the car?” he asked, turning to give you a peck on the cheek. 

“Yeah, I guess so,” you muttered back. 

Once you were both sitting in Austin’s car, he turned to look at you.

“So… do you wanna talk about it? If not, that’s fine, too. No pressure!” he said as he reached over to place his hand on your thigh.

“I don’t know, I guess I just started getting fed up over the fact that nothing I put on looked right on me. Everything was either too tight, or the fabric bulged in weird places, or it wouldn’t even zip, or it made it hard for me to breathe, or it just generally looked wrong. And then that last dress was kind of just the last straw and then I tried to take it off, but then I got stuck, and I guess it was all just too much for me to handle. It’s stupid, I know,” you rambled. You looked up from where you had your hands folded in your lap and finally met your boyfriend’s gaze.

“That’s not stupid though, you know. And I’m sure you looked great in at least half of those dresses. Personally, I thought that last one complimented your eyes really well. And I think you probably handled the whole zipper thing exactly how just about anyone else would’ve in that situation, so don’t feel bad. Anybody would’ve panicked. I promise you, mama, you’re perfect just the way you are. You don’t need to worry about any of that,” he told you, tears welling up in his eyes at the thought of the way you saw yourself. 

“I didn’t want to say anything, because I knew it would hurt you to know the way I criticize myself. So I was trying to keep it in, but then I guess it just got to be too much. I just wish I could’ve found something to wear.”

“Honestly, I think you could wear a potato sack and still be the most gorgeous girl in the whole world. But seriously, you are perfect just the way you are. And you are beautiful and I love everything about you. I just wish that, even for a moment, you could see yourself through my eyes. I think you’d be surprised at how different your self-image is from the way I see you. But I love you, no matter what.” he reassured you. Now you were the one with tears in your eyes, yet again.

“Thank you, Aus, I love you too.”

He leaned in to give you a kiss, and then pulled away and started the car.

“Now, does my love want lunch? Because I know I’m hungry.”

“Yes, please. [your favorite restaurant] sounds amazing,” you told him. He pulled out of the parking space and began driving in that direction.

The two of you ended up just getting carry-out and taking it back home with you, settling in on the couch to watch your favorite movie as you both ate. You ended up falling asleep all cuddled up on the couch, limbs tangled together. You were happy.

[mxlti-fand0m-imaginess]

Beautiful* // James March

request: none

prompts: none

warnings: language, insecurities, mentions of acne scars, stretch marks, and feeling overweight, knife play, cunnilingus, smut, bdsm, bondage, spanking, thigh riding, basically extremely kinky sex

a/n: i’ve been really insecure lately so i thought i would write this to try and cheer me up! also the insecurities mentioned in this are based on my own, so i’m sorry if you don’t relate to this!

It wasn’t as bad at first. You could handle your feelings. Hide them away under a mask and pretend that everything was okay. And this worked for a while. You didn’t face them, and in return, they didn’t hurt you.

But slowly your mask began to break.

James never stopped having his dinners with The Countess, even though you’ve been together for almost a year now. And although you knew James loved you, you couldn’t help but feel that he loved her more.

Then you started noticing things about yourself. Little insecurities, which seemed huge in your eyes. The acne scars that littered your face. The stretch marks on your thighs and waist. The way your stomach would pudge out a little more than normal. It started to get so unbearable, that you couldn’t even look in the mirror without wanting to cry.

And finally, James was becoming more distant. In the back of your mind you knew that it was because he was busy. But you couldn’t help but blame yourself. You weren’t good enough for him. You weren’t pretty enough for him. He didn’t love you anymore.

After dealing with these feelings for a while, the mask you hid behind finally broke. The final straw was when you saw James and The Countess together in the lobby. He pressed a kiss to the back of her hand. You shouldn’t have thought it anymore than James being polite, but you couldn’t stop the sinking feeling you felt seeing them together.

You ran back into the elevator and went to the seventh floor. Once the doors opened you went straight to yours and James shared room, locking the door behind you. You pressed your weight against the door, and slowly slid down, curling up into a ball.

The tears started coming. You couldn’t stop them. Every single thing that made you insecure ran through your head. You didn’t have a mask anymore. Everything you were feeling was out in the open. And it was painful. Part of you wanted to die, but doing that here would be of little help.

Even though crying in a ball was slightly comforting, you were beginning to get a little uncomfortable. The floor isn’t exactly the best place to have a breakdown. So you pulled yourself up and went to the bathroom. You put your hands on the sink and braced yourself. Slowly, you looked up into the mirror.

The sight only made you feel worse. Your acne scars were still visible, but now your eyes were red and puffy. And there were dark purple bags beneath them. The makeup you spent an hour on earlier that day had melted away through your grief, leaving a black splotchy mess.

You grabbed a makeup wipe and quickly ran it across your face. You couldn’t bare to look up in the mirror once more, so you walked back into the room. You slipped your shoes off along with your dress, before searching for one of James’ button ups.

Even though he was partially to blame for your despair, his scent was still comforting to you. You sighed as you walked over to your bed, collapsing onto of the sheets. You grabbed a pillow and hugged it, trying to find some sort of comfort. It didn’t work, but you couldn’t bring yourself to let it go.

Then the door opened. James walked in the room, and headed over to you.

“Darling, what are you doing in bed? It’s the middle of the day.”

You couldn’t answer, since your crying had exhausted you. So you didn’t do anything. You just stayed in your postion, cuddling the pillow.

“Darling?” he asked once more as he walked in front of you.

He crouched down to meet your eyes, and his face fell when he saw you. You didn’t realize it, but you were still crying. He gasped slightly as he gently brushed your tears away.

“Dearest, what’s wrong? Please talk to me.”

Slowly you sat up, letting go of the pillow. You drew your legs into your chest and stared at the ground. James sat next to you and pulled you into a hug.

“Dearest?” he said softly, hoping to get you to speak.

“Do you really love me?” you said softly, too tired to talk any louder.

“Of course I do dearest. How could you think any differently?”

“I- I’m ugly. I have scars everywhere, and I’m no where near as beautiful as Elizabeth. And you obviously still love her, becuase you still have your dinners with her. And you never spend time with me anymore, and I don’t blame you. I’m ugly, and boring, and I don’t deserve you.”

James sat in silence as he though over what you said.

“Is that really how you feel? Becuase I can assure you I don’t love Elizabeth anymore. We only have those to discuss running the hotel. If it really brings you distress I shall stop them. And I’m sorry I’ve been distant, I’ve just been very busy with John. I’ll make more time for you, I promise.”

You took in his words, slowly nodding. But you noticing how he didn’t mention you saying you were ugly. Did he agree with you? Did he think you weren’t beautiful?

As he if read your mind, James spoke once more.

“As for you not feeling beautiful, I don’t know how to respond to that. I don’t think I can accurately put into words just how beautiful you are. So I guess I’ll just have to show you.”

You were about to ask him what he meant, but you didn’t get the chance because his lips were on yours. This kiss wasn’t like the others shared between you. Normally they were hungry, and lustful. But this one felt like pure passion and love.

James gently pushed you back so you were laying down. He climbed on top of you, and slowly trailed kisses down your neck, leaving marks behind.

“Darling you look absolutely ravishing when you wear my clothes,” he said as he slowly began to unbutton the shirt you were wearing.

“But it looks even better on the floor.”

You laughed slightly at him, but fell silent when he pulled out his knife. Your pussy instantly got wet as he smirked above you, before gently running his blade over your skin.

“Don’t move dearest.”

He pushed down slightly and cut your bra and panties off, throwing the scarps of fabric aside. You shivered slightly as the cool air hit your damp pussy. James sat back and admired you. His gaze looked as though he was starving, and you were his favorite meal.

“I promise you that by the end of this, you’re going to realize just how beautiful you are.”

You nodded at his words. You watched as he moved himself in between your legs. He was so close that you could feel his breath against your heat. James started to kiss your thighs, leaving love bites all over your stretch marks.

“How could you not love these? They’re beautiful!”

You moaned softly as he bit down on the flesh of your leg. He pressed a gentle kiss over the bite marks and then turned his attention to your aching core.

He licked a stripe up your slit, causing you to moan. You reached down and lightly tugged as his hair. He groaned against you, and you shivered at the vibrations.

James continued to devour your pussy, causing you to shake under his touch. You couldn’t stop the moans that left your mouth. His tongue worked its way between your folds, causing immense pleasure to wash over you.

“Fuck James. That feels so good,” you said breathlessly.

Then he moved to suck on your clit, replacing his mouth with his fingers. He thrust two of them inside of you, pressing them lightly against the spot that drove you wild. A loud moan left your mouth at the contact.

“Oh fuck, Mr. March,” you moaned out.

James growled at the name, biting your clit. You squealed slightly in between your moans. You could feel him smirk against you. Your impending orgasm was beginning to build up. You could feel yourself getting closer with every thrust of his fingers.

“Mr. March, I- I’m gonna cum.”

As soon as the words left your mouth, James pulled away. You whined as you met his eyes, pouting slightly.

“Why’d you stop?” you asked innocently.

“You have doubted my love for you. And therefore you must be punished,” he said staring down at you.

The look he gave you was enough to make you cum on the spot. But you held it back for fear of being punished more. So instead you nodded, feeling excitement build up as your mind wondered what was in store for you.

You didn’t have long to wonder though, because soon you were being pulled onto his lap. The rough material of his clothes brushing against your bare skin made you moan softly. You knew was about to happen, and the excitement within you was building.

“You know what happens to naughty little girls, don’t you?” James asked as he gently rubbed his hand against your bare ass.

You nodded and then felt a sharp sting on your behind.

“Use your words darling,” he said in a warning tone.

“Yes Mr. March,” you answered.

“I think you deserve ten, does that seem fitting to you?”

Even though he was asking you, your answer didn’t matter. He would do whatever he seemed fit. He loved playing with you, and your opinion was not going to stop him.

“Yes, Mr. March.”

“I want you to count for me. If you mess up, we start over. Do you understand?”

“Yes Mr. March,” you responded once more.

Then you felt his hand come down on your ass, hard. You moaned slightly and forced your mind to focus.

“One.”

James continued slapping you, and you continued counting. By the end you were a tearful mess. His handprints littered your ass, and James smiled as you winced under his touch.

“You’ve been so good for me little girl. I think you deserve a reward. Would you like to cum?”

“Yes Mr. March,” you choked out through your tears.

James picked you up once more and straddled you over his legs. The coarse material against your bare pussy made you moan. You looked up at James and melted under the hunger in his gaze.

“Ride my leg,” he commanded.

You instantly complied, putting your hands on his shoulders to steady yourself. You began to move your hips back and forth against his leg. You couldn’t stop the moans that left your mouth. The way he was making you feel, was better than anything you’ve felt in a long time, and he wasn’t even doing anything to you.

“You look so beautiful like that darling. I just don’t see how you could ever doubt your beauty.”

You fell apart at his words, getting closer and closer to your edge.

“That’s it darling, cum for me.”

“Ohhh fuck, Mr. March,” you mumbled out as your orgasm washed over you.

You cling to James tightly as you rode out your high, a sense of euphoria hanging in the air. You sighed and collapsed your weight onto him. James gently wrapped his arms around you, and helped you lay down next to him.

When you heard his belt unbuckle, your head perked up as you looked over at him. James only smiled as he brought the belt over towards you. You knew what he wanted so you put your wrists against the headboard above you.

“Good girl,” he praised as he bound you to the bed.

You watched as James shed the rest of his clothing. You pussy already dripping once more. James felt your eyes on him and looked up to find you staring. He only smirked as he climbed on top of you.

“You’ve been so good for me darling. It’s only fitting that I give you what you want.”

In your post orgasmic bliss you couldn’t do much more than nod at his words. James reached between your legs and swiped a finger through your heat.

“You’re already soaked again. You must really want me.”

James lined his cock up with your pussy and pushed in, bottoming out completely. You let out a moan at the feeling, and winced only slightly due to overstimulation.

But he didn’t give you anytime to adjust. He began rapidly thrusting into you, looking deeply into your eyes. Your eyes met his and you could feel the love pouring out of them. You went to pull him closer to you, but couldn’t due to your restraints.

“I wanna touch you,” you begged as you tried to reach towards him.

“Hmm, I don’t know if you deserve it,” he said, teasing you.

You moaned once more as he began to thrust against your g-spot. One of his hands trailed down your body and began to rub circles onto your clit.

“Please. Please Mr. March, let me touch you. Please,” you said before another moan came out of your mouth.

Giving in to you, James undid the belt, and your hands instantly went to his shoulders, pulling him closer to you. You wrapped your legs around his waist, trying to get as close to him as you could.

Then you felt it once more. The knot building in your stomach. You were about to cum once more. Your moans increased as you neared your edge.

“James. I- I’m gonna cum.”

“Cum for me dearest. You deserve it.”

At his command, you let go, covering his cock in your juices. A few moments later, James grunted as he spilled his seed inside of you. He collapsed on top of you, before pulling out, and laying down next to you. You felt a mixture of yours and his cum drip down your legs, covering the inside of your thighs.

He went to get up to grab you a towel to clean up with, but you grabbed his wrist.

“Stay with me, please.”

“I’ll be back in just a moment darling. You’re going to be quite sticky if I don’t clean you up.”

You sleepily nodded and let go off him. James returned moments later, and wiped the cum off of your legs. He then tossed the towel aside and laid down next to you once more. You snuggled into him, breathing in his scent, and allowing yourself to relax.

“Darling, I truly am sorry for my absence as of late. I promise you I will make more time for you, no matter the cost. And I really hope you do realize just how beautiful you are.”

James was concerned when you didn’t answer, but immediately relaxed after he looked down. You were fast asleep in his arms. He pressed a gentle kiss to your head, and allowed himself to fall asleep next to you.

[multific]

Wine

Dacre Montgomery x Reader

Summary: After spending months of crushing on Dacre, all you needed is a little courage to speak up, or alcohol. 

  His handsome face caused you more confusion than any math problem ever could.

The way he smiled made you feel fuzzy on the inside. And it was harder and harder to hide your feelings for him. You were sure some of your co stars noticed it by now.

You had a crush on him from the moment he walked on set and introduced himself as the actor who will be playing Billy.

And ever since, you were lost.

Lost in his eyes, in his smile and in his incredible physique. You forgot your lines whenever he was also in the scene with you, because you were so nervous. You felt like a teen again. A love-sick teen.

And in a way that helped you build your character for the series. Which was a bonus at least.

But now, you were lost, in a different meaning of the word. 

You were expected to go to a dinner with the cast, however on your way there you must have took the wrong turn, because you were now in a completely different side of town. And the best of it all? Your rental car decided to breakdown. You did manage to call a recovery and a taxi.

You were very late for the dinner. Because when you finally got there half of the group already left and the other half was drinking.

“I’m so sorry. My car broke down. I tried to call,  but someone didn’t pick up.” you said shooting a glance to Finn. Finn was the only one you had as a contact since you two were great friends. “I’m starving.” you said as a waiter handed you the menu.

“Good to see that you made it.” Dacre said beside you and this is when you noticed that you took a seat next to him. You offered him a smile before you ordered something for yourself.

“I took a wrong turn, because the GPS in the car was terrible, then after driving around for about fifteen minutes the car decided that it would break down.” you told him as the waiter left to get your order ready.

“Ah, I was starting to think that you wouldn’t come.”

“No, I wouldn’t miss it for anything. But now, I’m without a car, and hungry.”

“I can drive you back to your hotel. Shouldn’t be far from mine.”

“I actually have a rented apartment...” you say trying not to sound like a spoiled teen. “But I would appreciate it if you could drive me home, thank you, Dacre.”

“Of course.” he smiled.

That damn smile of his. Cute yet sexy at the same time. Innocent yet somehow kinky.

Maybe you were going mad.

You took a sip of your drink before you looked back to your right were he sat, he gave you a wink before he went back to his conversation.

You were definitely going mad.

***

Perhaps drinking multiple glasses of wine wasn’t the best choice. But it was so delicious. And who could have thought that you would end up tipsy when you even ate a lot?

You just hoped not to be a burden to Dacre and the others. Or you hoped you wouldn’t say something you shouldn’t.

Slowly everyone left, one by one, leaving you and Dacre behind. He was telling you stories, making you laugh. And you did the same.

“Maybe we should leave too. Tomorrow you have the day off, no? You will be able to sleep.”

“Hmm.” you said nodding your head as your hand unconsciously moved to the part where his shirt was open. Not as low as his character, Billy would have, but it still had his delicious skin show.

“What are you doing?” he asked with a laugh as he watched your hand move from his neck down until his open shirt let you.

“Your skin. I needed to know if it is as smooth as it looks.” You grabbed your glass, which was now filled with water.

“And? Is it?” your drunken mind was too focused on anything else to notice how his voice lowered and his eyes darkened. And he didn’t push you away. 

“It’s even better than I imagined.” you said as you looked around. “Where are the others?” you asked with a confused expression.

“They left. And we should too. I have a feeling you will have one hell of a headache tomorrow.”

“I never do. I can drink as much as I want, but no headaches.”

“Lucky you.” he said, laughing as he stood up from the chair. You did the same but you wobbled a little. He had to grab you so you wouldn’t fall.

You moved your nose closer to his neck and smelled his perfume.

“Tom Ford Black Orchid.” you said as you grabbed your purse.

“You know your cologne.”

“I used to work in a perfume store. I know most.” you said as you ran your hand through your hair and made your way out of the restaurant.

You quickly got into Dacre’s car as he started to drive.

You knew you were staring, you felt it. And if you did, so did he. He took a quick glance at you before turning back to the road.

“What?” he asked with a laugh.

“How can you be real? Handsome, funny, smart, talented, kind and your killer smile. Just not fair.” you were pouting, the fact that you practically confessed to Dacre completely went over your head.

“Well, thank you. I think you are also very nice and beautiful and talented.”

“You are just saying that because I complimented you.”

“No, I truly mean it.”

“Sure.” you said letting out a long yawn.

You watched as the buildings passed before you closed your eyes.

***

The next morning you woke up in your bed. You were confused as to how you got there in the first place, but not the weirdest place to wake up after a few drinks.

Thanks to the alcohol, you forgot most of what happened. You remembered being late, talking to Dacre, Natalie, Joe and Charlie. Then you remember eating and drinking, but nothing more.

You assumed the images in your head about talking to Dacre were just your imagination.

As you walked out of the bedroom into the living room, you noticed a few things were misplaced, but you blamed your drunk self. You sat on the couch and decided to order some burgers. You put your phone down on the small table and this is when you noticed another phone there. It was definitely not yours. You picked it up and as the lock screen flashed you saw an image of a beach.

Did you steal someone’s phone? OR was someone else in the apartment with you? As you turned around you saw Darce standing in the hallway, looking in the mirror, fixing his hair. Then you looked back to the table in front of you and back to Dacre who was now standing behind you.

“Morning! You sure sleep a lot it’s almost 11 am.” he said. But why was he there?

“Hi. Umm...sorry but why are you here?”

“Oh, right. So, I drove you home, but you fell asleep in the car, so I carried you in.”

“And you changed my clothes?”

“No, you did that, half asleep. And you said I could stay since it was late, so I did.” he said as he sat down beside you on the couch. “Look you said something yesterday.”

“Oh no. Did I make a fool of myself?” you asked, feeling embarrassment creep up in your stomach.

“No. You didn’t just...I was so afraid to ask you out. I thought you are going to reject me, but now I’m a bit more confident.” you didn’t know what he was referring to, him? Afraid of rejection from you? How? You could only stare at him as he ran his fingers up and down his chest with a smile. “Would you be open for a date with me?” he asked and just as you opened your mouth to answer, your doorbell rang.

“It’s my food. I’ll be quick.” you stood up and walked to the door. Hoping that on your way to the door and back, you would be able to make sense of what was happening. Did Dacre really just asked you on a date? And what did you say that encouraged him to finally open up.

You walked back into the kitchen.

“I ordered some burgers, would you like some?” you asked him and he accepted. “I’m not avoiding your question by the way.” you said as you handed him his plate and sat down once again. “I’m just confused, you thought I didn’t like you?”

“Yes. I didn’t want to make it awkward between us, so I just didn’t do anything about it.”

“Well, Dacre, I would love to go on a date with you.”

​“Cool.” he said smiling.

“That’s not fair! You smiling like that is. How would I ever be able to say no if I know that you will smile like that when you are happy.” Now he was laughing as you smiled yourself.

“Guess then I can do whatever I want, Babe.”

You shook your head before you turned the TV on to watch something while you ate.

Out of the corner of your eye you saw Dacre looking at you.

You were extremely happy that your feeling were reciprocated. And also the fact that he asked you out on a date, you would never have imagined things to turn out that way.

Perhaps you should drink wine more often.

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[cursedwriter]

Dancing with your Ghost - Fushiguro Megumi

Jujutsu Kaisen Masterlist 

Warnings: Deals with death, Megumi has various breakdowns, it’s just really sad over all... sorry for making you cry in advance! 

Words: 4.9k

Author’s Note: Kind of inspired by this song: Dancing with your Ghost - Sasha Sloan // Also, when they dance, I kinda imagined them to dance to this: Technicolour Beat - Oh Wonder 

“Is he still in there?” Yuji pointed at the door by the end of the hallway. Gojo was walking in his direction, his expression unreadable.  

“No matter what I tell him, he won’t come out.” His voice sounded tired, almost worn out. The sight must’ve been hard for him to bear. Itadori gulped. He wasn’t sure if he could take it. “You should try talking to him. Maybe he will listen to you. We both know he would regret it if he missed the ceremony.” Gojo patted Yuji on the shoulder, hand lingering for a few additional seconds in silent comfort.

“I’ll try my best,” Itadori nodded, though, he sounded more hopeful than he was. This was going to be rough.

Soon after, Gojo disappeared behind the corner and out of sight. His shoulders were slouching and his head was hanging low as if he couldn’t walk upright. This was hard on everyone. But the person who had it the worst of all was…

“Fushiguro, can I come in?” Yuji knocked on the door three times. No answer. He tried again. This time more forceful. “Hey, Megumi! It’s me, Yuji! Do you mind if I come in?” Still no answer. Itadori sighed, but he pushed the door open anyways, peering into the dimly lit library of the Jujutsu Tech High school. Admittedly, he’s never been in here before. Yuji wasn’t really the non-fiction reader… or anything that wasn’t manga, really. But upon entering the room, he couldn’t help but gawk. The shelves were stacked to the max, piling up above his head in a seemingly endless supply of books. There were books everywhere. The amount of knowledge that was stored in here was immense. And all about curses and jujutsu? Incredible! Maybe he should’ve come here sooner. He bet that there had to be at least a dozen books about Sukuna here somewhere.

“It doesn’t make any sense. It doesn’t make any sense.” Itadori was pulled out of his thoughts by the repetitive mantra that was coming from somewhere behind a shelf. He followed the sound that was mingled with quiet sobs and he had to force himself to keep walking. This was more terrifying than facing all the curses of this world together.

“Megumi?” He peered around the shelf, finding his friend sitting on the old wooden floor, frantically flipping through a book with yellowed pages that seemed to be falling apart at the seams. It must’ve been ancient.

“No sense, no sense, no sense,” he repeated over and over again as if that phrase was the only thing keeping him sane.

“Megumi?” Itadori tried again and finally Megumi’s head snapped up and he looked at Itadori like a deer caught in headlights… only way worse. His eyes were bloodshot with dark purple circles underneath them. A stark contrast to his sickly pale skin. Briefly, Yuji wondered if Megumi had slept at all since it happened. Tears were streaming down his face and it felt like they would never stop. An endless river of sorrow and despair. Yuji was sure he heard his own heart shatter in his chest as he looked at his best friend. He wished he could take some of the pain away. Even if it was just a little, but of course that was impossible. “The ceremony will start soon and-“

“That’s stupid!” Fushiguro cut him off harshly, his voice hoarse and quieter than usual. “Why would there be a freaking ceremony when she’s coming back?!”

“Megumi, she-“

“No! Stop it!” He yelled, throwing the book he was reading against the opposite wall. “Stop it! Shut up!” He pressed his palms against his temples as if he wanted to crush his own skull. “I’ll do it, you’ll see! All of you! You’ll see! I’ll bring her back! I’ll bring her back, okay?! I will – I will!” He repeated it over and over again and it was apparent that he wanted to proof himself right more than anything else. Maybe making him believe would help ease his pain? Should he encourage him? No. Despite wishing that he could provide some words of comfort right now, Itadori knew that false hope would be the cruelest thing he could offer. No matter how much it hurt, but Megumi couldn’t go on like this… searching for something that wasn’t real.

“Megumi, please. You’ll regret it if you don’t come,” Itadori tried again, picking up the book that Megumi had thrown away. He flipped through the first pages and he could already tell that the answers Megumi was searching for weren’t in this book. It was mostly about how sorcerers could reincarnate as curses if their dead bodies weren’t handled properly. If they died you had to make sure that the last hit was infused with cursed energy. Usually, that took care of things. However, if they died of natural causes, diseases or accidents there was a special ritual, a ceremony that made sure their bodies were put to rest accordingly. Kind of like a funeral, but then again, not quite. This was the ceremony Fushiguro refused to attend, even though it was highly valued among sorcerers. It was a way to pay your last respects, value their accomplishments and thank them for their sacrifice. He probably refused to go because that would make her death final and he would be forced to move on, no matter how hard it would be… and it was going to be very hard.

“SHE’S COMING BACK, DAMMIT!” Megumi yelled at him, reaching for another book that was stocked in a pile he’d built himself. The tower crumbled with the way he yanked it out, dozen books falling to the ground, scattering to their feet. It was eerily quiet for a second, Yuji didn’t dare to speak. The atmosphere so thick, he doubted even Maki’s demon blade could cut through it. And then, right when he wanted to say something, anything really to get rid of the suffocating silence in the room, Megumi started sobbing. Not like before. Impossibly, it was even worse. His whole body shook with the action, hands that were clinging onto the book were trembling and despite him hanging his head low, Yuji could see the frequent tears that were hitting the old worn out pages of the book, blurring the ink further, making it almost unreadable.

Hesitantly, he took a step forward, but he wasn’t quite sure what to do. Should he hug him? What could he even say? Should he call for someone? Gojo-sensei? Would he know what to do? Or Nobara? Or, wait! Y/N always knew what to do when it came to him… Oh, right…

Yuji slapped his forehead with the palm of his hand. How could he forget?! It really didn’t feel real yet, huh? Itadori tried to swallow the big lump in his throat as he crouched down and gently took the book out of Fushiguro’s shaking hands. He looked so fragile, as if a single slap to the wrist could break his arm.

“I just don’t get it,” Megumi whispered. His voice sounded far away, as if he was underwater or as if Yuji had cotton in his ears, muffling his voice to a point where it was almost incomprehensible. “It’s just so unfair.”

Yuji placed the book on the ground beside him, skipping over the title “Resurrection and the balance of the world”, it read. He gulped again. Could it be possible?

“I know it is.” He laid a comforting hand on his shoulder and another muffled cry escaped Megumi’s mouth. Yuji had seen a lot over the course of just one year, but not once has he witnessed such utter despair. The sight pulled on his heart strings in ways he couldn’t even explain.

“She fought against the most heinous creatures every day and you’re telling me she died because some fucking asshole thought it was a good idea to drive while being absolutely shit faced?!” Some of his words were swallowed by his sobs, but Itadori understood him well enough. “I refuse to believe that! I refuse to accept that!”

Momentarily Itadori was thrown back to the moment they got the call, he remembered it all too vividly. The shock, the confusion and his scream…

“I’m sorry for your loss,” the nurse led them into the room. The air was chilly and it smelled like disinfectant.  The stench so unbelievably strong, Megumi thought he might throw up. It burned in his eyes and nose and he distantly felt his cheeks getting wet. He couldn’t tell if it was because of the smell or of what was to come… at this point, it still felt like a sick joke, some twisted game or prank. Just not real, like a dream, a nightmare he would wake up from any second.

There was a single bed in the middle of the room, the body underneath covered by a white cloth. Gojo, Nobara and Yuji gathered around it, hands clutched together in front of them as if they were silently praying. Megumi hesitated. He stood in the doorframe, looking at the scene in front of him and nothing seemed to make sense anymore. Everyone was crying. Even Gojo seemed more tense than usual and he was sure he saw a stray tear slip from underneath his sunglasses.

The room was silent, except for the door falling shut behind him as the nurse left them to mourn in peace. This was a dream, right? A nightmare? How could it be anything else?

Megumi’s footsteps echoed off the walls as he hesitantly approached the bed covered in white sheets.

This is just a dream. This is a nightmare. You’re going to wake up any second now. Just wake up. Wake up! Wake up, dammit!

But he didn’t wake up. Not even as he reached for the white cloth. And he didn’t wake up as he slowly lifted it up. He didn’t wake up when everyone sucked in a sharp breath. And he didn’t wake up as Nobara’s knees buckled and she fell to the ground sobbing. He didn’t wake up as he laid his eyes on your peaceful but lifeless face.

Megumi didn’t wake up. But God did he wish he did.

He stood there for what felt like an eternity. Studying your features. How your hair was softly flowing on the pillow, how your lips were slightly parted as if you would wake up at any given moment and tell him something important. But he also noticed that your cheeks lacked their signature pinkish tint and your lips were more blue than their usual vibrant red.

His hand inched closer to your face, connecting to your cheeks and adoringly caressing it. It was cold underneath his touch. Your skin feeling more like wax than it felt alive.

No one said anything, the only sound was Nobara’s quiet sobs that she tried to stiffle to the best of her abilities. Everyone watched Megumi and no one knew what to do. Neither of them has ever felt so helpless. Even Gojo was rendered speechless at the heartbreaking sight in front of him.

And then, everything slowly started to sink in…

She’s gone.  She’s gone. She’s really gone! You’re not waking up! Why aren’t you waking up?! Wake up!! No, no, no. This can’t happen. This can’t happen. This isn’t happening! Tell me this isn’t happening?!

Didn’t I just talk to her this morning? Didn’t we talk about going to the beach as soon as it got warmer? Didn’t we make dinner plans? Didn’t she boast about a new recipe she wanted to try? Didn’t this just happen? And you’re telling me that all of that is just… gone? Just like that? In a moments notice… poof?! Evaporated into thin air? You’re telling me that?

“Wake up, dammit! Wake up, dammit! WAKE UP!”

Everyone stared helplessly at Fushiguro. At first no one knew if he was talking to himself or you, but then he started desperately shaking your shoulders, repeating the words over and over again. “We wanted to go to the beach, remember? You told me you couldn’t wait! Come back, and I’ll drive us right now! Come back! Come back to me, please! Please!”

Gojo couldn’t bear the sight anymore. The way he shook your body as if that would change anything. With a few long strides he closed the distance between him and Megumi and pulled him away from the bed. He was thrashing at him, screaming in his face to let him go, but Gojo didn’t listen. He gladly took a hit or two if that meant Fushiguro could get at least some of his frustration out of his body. To Gojo, the room itself was a hard place to be in – for obvious reasons. The energy here made him feel uneasy and on edge. The amount of cursed energy gushing out of Megumi was immense and almost unbearable. He had to get his emotions in check or else…

Megumi continued to yell and thrash. “Let me go, you bastard! Let me go! I need to see her! I need to see her!”

“I understand that this is hard for you, but you need to calm down!” Gojo’s voice was stern. This was probably the first time ever that he actually put on the façade of a responsible adult. Nobara and Yuji watched the two with wide eyes, but didn’t interfere otherwise. “If you keep this up, you might end up cursing her! Do you want that?!”

“Let me go! Let me go!” Megumi wasn’t listening.

“Megumi, snap out of it!” Gojo’s palm connected to Megumi’s cheek, his flesh burning hot where it had connected. For a moment, the room was silent again. Only Megumi’s labored breaths broke through the thick tension.

“You bastard!” Megumi launched himself at Gojo with all his strength, but that was exactly what Gojo intended. It was better if he directed all his energy towards him than having it leak out of him uncontrollably. Otherwise he had the potential of manifesting a new special grade curse that neither one of them wanted to deal with, especially if you were to be reborn as said curse.

Megumi stopped his relentless attacks, knees buckling under his weight as a single agony filled screamed echoed off the walls…

Megumi slowly opened his eyes. His head was aching, blood soaring in his ears. What happened? He looked around himself. The room was dark, only illuminated by the moon light that peered through his partially closed blinds. He was laying in his bed, the room a mess just like he remembered. That was unlike him. Well, ever since that day he hasn’t been himself at all. Now, he more or less felt like an empty shell, existing but not alive.

He groaned, sitting up while he rubbed his temples, hoping to get the relentless throbbing to stop. Ah, that’s right. A few flashes of the previous events reminded him of what had happened. Megumi’s frustration and anger had gotten the best of him and he started throwing books, ripping them out of their shelves and even tearing some of them apart when he couldn’t find the answers he was looking for. Yuji had to call for Gojo and he in turn had knocked him unconscious.  

Megumi huffed. Great. Now he was probably not permitted to go to the library again. He should really start thinking before lashing out like this. No, matter, though. If push comes to shove he’d find a way in and if it’s the last thing he did. He didn’t really care anymore anyways. What’s the worst that could happen? Expulsion? That was nothing.

He peeled the covers back, his shirt sticking to his body uncomfortably. Maybe he should take a shower before he went back again.

Reluctantly, he got up and walked towards his bathroom, mindful not to trip on anything that was scattered on his floor.

Once he was there, he turned the shower faucet on, letting the water heat up while he stripped out of his clothes. His head was still killing him and his whole body ached. He shivered, even as he got into the shower and the hot water burned his skin. He was still cold. For some reason he didn’t seem to be able to get warm anymore, as if you took all of his warmth with you, when you left him.

“Ew, stop doing that,” you laughed wholeheartedly as Megumi shook his wet hair in your face after coming out of the shower. “Seriously, are you a dog?”

“No, but I love hearing you laugh.” Megumi wrapped his arms around you, pressing your back against his naked chest as you both watched your reflection in the mirror. “I really love you, Y/N. So much,” he whispered in your ear, not taking his eyes off the mirror. He could see the faint blush on your cheeks and he placed a soft kiss to the nape of your neck to emphasize his words.

“I love you, too.” The smile on your lips and the way your eyes sparkled with joy, filled his heart with warmth and light. He could bask in it for all eternity and he would never get tired of it.

Megumi turned the water off, still shivering. It was to no use. His skin was burning red, though, and the whole room was filled with steam and yet, he had goosebumps all over his body. His teeth started clattering as he dried himself and he put on new clothes.

The clock on his bedside table told him that it was three in the morning. He felt like he forgot about something… something important. What was it again?

And then his eyes widened in shock. No, no, no.

“Hey, look!” Megumi felt your slender fingers wrap around his wrist, your warmth immediately warming his cold skin. You tugged him gently and he followed you. It didn’t take long for you to reach your desired destination and you stopped, eyes shining with awe in them as you watched over the city, lights sparkling and illuminating the darkness. Megumi couldn’t deny that the view was breathtaking, but he couldn’t keep his eyes from constantly looking at you instead. The way your face lit up, the way the lights danced on your face and how your cheeks were always tinted in their usual pinkish color, made him fall for you all over again. His heart hammered in his chest and his pulse picked up. Butterflies assaulting his stomach in the best way imaginable and he felt like he was floating above ground. Never has he felt so happy. “There! It’s starting!” You beamed at him as the first flash of light painted the night sky in a bright blue color, then it changed to red and then green. The sound of other fireworks being set off rang through the otherwise silent night. Here, on top of the mountain away from anyone, it was the most peaceful place he could imagine. But he wasn’t sure if it was only because of the view and the fact that no one was around or if it was because you were here. Whatever it was, he didn’t dream to fight it. The feeling so foreign yet so welcomed.

Suddenly your hand appeared in his line of vision and he didn’t hesitate to take it. What he didn’t expect was you starting to spin around. It took him a moment to catch up. “C’mon, Megumi, what are you doing? Don’t just stand there so stiffly! Dance with me!” You urged him on and Megumi felt his cheeks heating up in embarrassment. He could only hope that you couldn’t see it.

“There’s no music, though,” he said, trying to find an excuse to not make a complete fool out of himself. You see, Megumi wasn’t a dancer. Give him a choreographed fighting formation and he could do that no problem, but moving his feet to the rhythm of a song? Nope. That was sure to end in him tripping over his own feet and in the worst case break his leg or arm.

You rolled your eyes at him, but instead of saying anything, you reached into your back pocket to get a hold of your phone. It didn’t take long and the sound of the fireworks was mixed with the soft tune of a song that he didn’t know. “Better?”

Well, not really… Megumi scratched the back of his head, unsure. Better to come clean, I guess. “You see… I can’t really dance… like at all,” Megumi stammered.

“So what? I can’t dance either,” you laughed, spinning around and jumping up and down like it was the most normal thing to do. The smile on your face never faltered and you did another spin, throwing your hands up in the air, moving them around awkwardly. Megumi couldn’t help but laugh at your awkward movements. You looked so silly, it was hilarious. “See? Now it’s only fair that you make a fool out of yourself, too. You can’t leave me hanging like this!”

What the hell, right? Megumi started moving his feet, still super stiffly and anything but graceful, but he did it. He looked at you, following your movements and it didn’t take him long to get the hang of it… well, somewhat at least. He still looked really awkward and helpless, so you reached both your hands out for him again and he grabbed them without hesitation, just like before. You started spinning both of you in circles, giggling at the way his face lit up slightly. He joined your laughter, looking at you with the most adoring smile in the world. It felt… so easy. Everything with you felt so easy.

So now it was just the both of you, spinning around in fast circles, laughing at the night sky filled with stars while in the distance the sound of fireworks slowly died down. The music playing softly in the background, but you didn’t even care that the rhythm of the song didn’t match with your movements at all. Nothing mattered in that moment. Just the two of you. Together. Forever.

“Ah, I was wondering when you’d show up.” Gojo scratched the back of his neck, smiling apologetically. “Maybe I was a bit too rough, when I knocked you out. Sorry about that.”

Megumi stared at him sitting in the front row of lined up chairs. The room was only dimly lit by the candles at the other end. The soft light they cast illuminated a picture of you in a black frame. It was the same one he had saved as his phone background. Megumi gulped, feet moving on their own as he approached Gojo, though, he felt his knees wobble unsteadily. The air became thicker and thicker with every other step he took. It felt excruciatingly hard to breathe. It was suffocating.

Megumi sat down on a chair next to Gojo, forcing himself to tear his eyes off the framed picture in front of him. If he didn’t he was afraid he might break down again. So he shifted his attention to the man in the chair next to him. He was already looking at him, his eyes hidden behind his sunglasses, as usual. There was a slight frown in his features, though, and his mouth was pressed into a thin line, a stark contrast to his normally giddy self. So Gojo could be serious, huh? Who would’ve thought? Bet you would’ve loved to see him like that…

“Megumi,” Gojo broke the silence first, his tone soft, but there was a certain sternness behind it that Megumi didn’t know he had until now. It left no room for interpretation. This was going to be a serious talk and Fushiguro didn’t know if he was ready for that yet. “I know that losing someone you care about is not easy and I’m not trying to pretend that I know exactly what you’re going through right now, but I’m telling you as your sensei and as a friend… you have to move on. And that means you have to stop looking for ways to bring her back.”

Megumi opened his mouth to tell him off, but Gojo just held a finger up to show him he wasn’t done yet. The crease between Megumi’s brows deepened, but he kept his mouth shut regardless. “The world works under a few distinct principles. Rules that cannot be broken, if you will. Like we know that after the sun sets, dawn will come. With darkness, there is light and no matter how harsh a winter might be, spring will always come next. And the pinnacle of those rules will always be that with life there comes death. We don’t get to choose when this’ll be or how it’ll happen, but from the moment we’re born we know without a doubt that we’ll have to leave this place at some point. Death is certain. It’s but one part of life and disrupting that cycle, breaking one of the unbreakable rules, would cause the whole system to fall apart. It would level the ground for mayhem and destruction, nothing would make sense anymore. The world would crumble. As sorcerers you know that we protect the ones who cannot protect themselves, but we also maintain balance and Megumi… while I do understand your desire to see her again, I have to warn you… even if there is a chance, I won’t let you do it at the expense of everyone else’s life.”

Silence fell between them again. Megumi had a hard time believing that these words really just came out of Gojo’s mouth. Deep down, he knew he was right. He knew it was a futile plan to bring you back. It was selfish and irresponsible, but he was so… desperate. So desperate to hear your voice again, so desperate to listen to you laugh or complain, so desperate to feel your delicate and warm touch on his cold skin. He was so desperate for these things; he couldn’t think straight. His mind felt foreign to him without you there. He didn’t know who he was, who he would be without you by his side. He didn’t know if he wanted to be in this world anymore with his source of warmth and comfort gone. They said, time healed all wounds but as of now that seemed impossible. Just a thing people told themselves to keep moving forward. A lie that was supposed to protect oneself from the cruel and harsh truth that the world didn’t stop spinning, that time passed by and that dawn always came… no matter what. The world moved forward regardless if you were here or not and it felt like a cruel joke to him. Nothing seemed the same. He didn’t recognize anything, looking at the world with different eyes. How could there be a world without you in it? Why was everyone moving forward while he was left behind? And how could they? How could they move on? Why didn’t the world stop spinning? It should. Because nothing felt right. Nothing was the same. And yet… that only held true for him.

Megumi wiped away his silent tears with the sleeve of his shirt. “But I didn’t even get to say goodbye,” he croaked out. It was the first thing that came to his mind. He replayed the morning with you over and over again and he couldn’t remember if he said goodbye to you when you left that fateful day. Did he? Did he not? In any case, he would’ve never thought how final of a farewell it would’ve been in the end. “I don’t even remember the last thing I said to her,” he sobbed.

He felt beyond guilty for not being able to recall it clearly. Did he say ‘I love you’? Did you say it back? He wanted to believe he did, but he just wasn’t sure and it drove him insane.

“She knew that you loved her very much, Megumi. I’m sure she knew until the very end.” Gojo patted his shoulder a few times, before he got up. “Take all the time you need.” He left the room, closing the door behind him, but not before he turned around one last time, looking at Megumi with worried eyes. “But remember, Megumi… You have to move on eventually, no matter how hard it is. For her sake and your own… Just know that you have people in your life that you can rely on any time, okay?”

Megumi nodded and Gojo let the door fall shut behind him. The silence that ensued was almost deafening. Finally, Megumi let his tears fall freely, sobbing like a child and sucking in air after shallow breaths.

Everything hurt with you gone. How could he ever move on? How could he ever love again? Megumi was scared he might break in half. How much pain could someone even bear? Though, deep down he knew that he didn’t have a choice… He had to try. And he would try his hardest to keep moving forward, holding on to that tiny glimpse of hope that one day he’d see you again. And when he did, he swore to himself to never stop telling you how much he loved you. Always and forever.

[omiscurls]

Heyhey! I couldn’t find your rules, so idk if this is allowed or not, and if it isn’t feel free to ignore this, but may I request Childe with a reader who has depression? Thank you

tough

a/n: hi!! sorry for that, the rules are added by now, i chose not to describe depression itself, because it looks different on everyone, and you may not relate to what applies to me, but i'm hoping you'll find this enjoyable instead!!

plot: character helping the reader out of a breakdown, or a bad headspace

contains: tartaglia, kaeya

warnings: bad copying mechanisms, low mental place, nothing too serious mentioned

tartaglia

now, he's a man of action less than words, even though he's good with those, too

and to add to that, he's also a very perceptive person - if some negative vibe lingers on you for too long, he'll notice right away

however, relying on his experience, he opts to give you space to figure it out on your own, first, he wouldn't like to be making a huge deal of something that was just a worse couple of days

it's when you don't show up at your usual dinner spot, that he gets a little tingle in his brain, telling him to not dismiss it this time.

and so, he makes his way over to your place.

"ya there?" you hear on the other side of the door, followed by urgent knocking, sort of breaking you out of a trance, but you can't find it in you to go and answer it. he'll go away, you think, even better. your apartment is messy, you're messy, too, and it's not the right time to be receiving visitors. so you stay quiet.

"you do know i know you're in there, right?" he speaks up again "the blinds would be down if you weren't"

come in, you want to shout, and although no voice leaves your throat, soon the door opens anyway.

"hey, what's up, you weren't on the- oh." he stops in his tracks in the middle of the corridor, and you're already mentally prepared to a snarky remark about your sorroundings, but the only thing he says is a lighthearted "why're you sitting on the floor?"

the first thing he thinks about is to level with you, so he plops himself down right beside you, and you bet it looks funny - you in yesterday's clothes, in a big, probably smelly, mess, and then a harbinger in full military outfit right beside you.

"i-" you try to say, but your throat seems too dry and worn out, so you opt for a whisper "look at his place"

he indeed does, hinting the small note of desperation in your voice.

"what about it?"

"it's a mess!" you sigh, covering your face with your hands, out of both embarrassment, and fatigue. you take a big breath before continuing "so i wanted to clean it up, i even brought all the... all the things, but it's so much stuff to do, and i'm tired, and- and i don't know!" you choose to stop as not to snap right then and there. "i can't even do my shitty chores right like an adult" you mumble, massaging your temples.

"and is sitting on the floor helping?" he simply asks, and for a second, you're almost mad at him for not being more... cooey and fuss over you a bit more. he sounds cold.

"what are you-"

"really, is it helping?" he repeats "because from how i see it, every little thing would seem bigger if you looked at it from this angle. come on" he nudges you before standing up, and offering a hand to lift you up. you, however, shake your head.

"i really can't deal with it today, childe, i'm sorry"

"just stand up" he pleas, and the second you take his hand, he helps you up in less than a second. when you're on his level again, he sneaks both his arms on the sides of your waist, and sort of sways around a little, before speaking again. "what if, what if we do it little by little? look, we'll start over there" he puts his hand on top of yours, and lifts your arm to point to the full sink along with his. "and that'd be it for today! and then tomorrow... actually, let's not make plans. we'll just pick something tomorrow, and do it then. does the sink sound like a lot to do?" he asks.

"do you want me to be honest, or do you want me to say no" you mutter, earning the heartiest and brightest laughter you've heard in days from him.

"always honest. but come on, i'll help." he rolls you out of his embrace, causing you to feel a sudden wave of cold, it was comfortable back there, you think.

however, as he works through the dishes with you, the pile does seem to lessen, and doesn't rule over your kitchen anymore. every time he hands you a plate to dry, he smiles as wide as he can, and it doesn't seem to bother him at all when you don't smile back.

"remember" he starts again, after a while of comfortable silence. he looks ridiculous, doing the kitchen duties in an outfit designed mostly to look presentable and slay enemies in it, but the look on his face is dead set. "the first lesson you've gotta learn before going off to battle something, is that the best defense is always, always to fight back. and if you don't think you can manage that, well, that's why nobody ever battles alone. it's common sense to have someone watching your back. and as for you, not only are you a great warrior yourself, but you've also got the best second-in-command willing to help you out. don't forget that."

kaeya

as for him, he's also perceptive and empathic, but the difference between him and tartaglia is that he does believe people have the right to figure some things out on their own, he's a firm believer in the magic of secrets

that's probably because he himself doesn't like to share too much about his deeply personal feelings

so he'd obviously see some wave of difficult emotions coming your way, but would he immediately start worrying? probably not

the guy doesn't have healthy copying mechanisms himself, don't think he expects those of others

every other night the two of you meet up at the tavern, kaeya always ordering wine, you asking the bartender for whatever was in store today, but it's never anything alcoholic.

and just like nearly always, you're seated at angel's share, him noticing you're not particularly in the mood for talking, and choosing to entertain you with as many stories of the day that went by as he can remember.

the waiter interrupts him, asking if your minds are already made up regarding the drink. now, kaeya always has you picking first, but since he sees you're still analyzing the card (as if you expected to find anything new), he goes first with a drink he knows charles makes really strong.

to his surprise, when it comes to you, you just mumble "i'll have the same he had"

before the waiter has a chance of writing that down, kaeya tells him that actually, you're gonna need a minute or two more, and to erase the order you've both put in.

as he walks away, the calvary captain's eyes pierce through yours.

"that's a pretty nasty drink you wanted there" he starts, feeling he can't let you handle your mess this time, preparing to dig a little deeper into what's on your mind.

you shrug your shoulders.

"hey" he speaks up a little firmer, hand moving to cover yours, and even though they twitch as to retreat from his grip, you let it be. "tell me what's up."

"nothing's <up>" you accentuate. "can't i even have a drink now?"

"obviously you can" he nods "as long as i know you're trying it just for the taste, and not for the strong kick it's gonna offer, cause that's a dangerous path that only leads to nasty places." concern shines through his gaze, and an encouraging smile is wandering somewhere in his expression, however his lips are still pressed into a tight line, the same he forms when he's either fighting or arguing.

you stay silent for a good long while, before sighing.

"maybe i want the kick. good, or bad, maybe i want to feel... something."

the sentence sounds all too familiar, as he shakes his head and takes your hand, leading you towards the exit.

"what're you-"

"you're obviously not in the right state to be in a bar, of all places" he states almost coldly "so i'm getting you somewhere safer."

the two of you leave the bar, and walk out into the cold of mondstadt's street, covered in the darkness of the night. you walk past him, not leveling up to him, just tagging along to whatever he's going.

it comes as a surprise, that you're neither headed for your apartment, nor his, nor the knights' headquarters. he's guiding you in an unknown direction, until you reach a dead end.

he clims up a small building, offering you a hand and shaking off your confused expressions and questions. "you'll see" he says. the two of you walk from roof to roof, and countless times you tell him it's ridiculous, but then, he jumps onto the city's wall, helping you out with two hands this time, sitting you down right next to him on the stone surface of the wall. it's a little wet from the night's humidity, and cold, and probably dirty too, but the moon shines right at you, and from this perspective, you see thousands of lights in houses, taverns and shops, from the bottom up to the cathedral.

going up from that, a calm and peaceful lake paints the landscape blue on the left, and even from up here, you see a sea of lampgrasses shining through the leaves of wolvendom forest. if you squint, lights are still on in dawn winery, and the path to liyue and all the other lands swirls around near diluc's house. there's so much you can see, even if the night limits your vision.

"i like to come here when i need to gain some perspective over what is happening in my life right now" kaeya speaks really softly and quietly, bordering on a whisper. "it's a beautiful view, even someone as insensitive to art as i am can see that, but other than that... it's huge. and even though it is, it's also alive. every single one of those beings whose lights are dying out as they slowly go to sleep one by one, they're alive. they're not a scenery, they're their own, individual worlds. and they all coexist with each other in such a clever manner, don't you think? they have their differences, they might even hate each other, or wish the worst upon the other's name, but from up here? they fit together like puzzles of one, big picture."

"that's a nice way to put it, for sure" you whisper, looking down onto your knees. his finger pushes your chin slightly to make you face him, and he smiles at you gently, thumb brushing against the skin of your cheek.

"you know, we each have our own worlds, built from scratch from such fragile materials. we have our worlds rise, shine, and crumble before our sights. we look over the ruins of them and think, this is the end of the world. there's nothing more, it's all dust now. but from up here, you see how many other worlds there are - everyone has their own. not everything that is happening in your world is true. you see it from first person's perspective, and therefore the view might be disturbed by many different aspects. you might not see the picture, you just see the broken puzzle fragment that can't fit with the rest, and you're ready to throw away the entire picture, without finishing it. but being here, it reminds me... the world doesn't end on the ruins you see. you can always ask someone to help you build them up again, and of course, you can expect it to fall into pieces once more, but this time, you'll keep in mind, there're-" he stopped, pointing to the city's lights. "so many people to help you raise it up to the clouds."

"your metaphor is really complex" you chuckle, but his face stays still.

"it's not the end of the world if your puzzle piece is broken. and the ruins are not unfixable if you feel too tired to build them up all by yourself. if anything, that's a start." his hand travels up to keep the hair from getting on your face, since the wind blows pretty hard on this height. "what do you say we start your puzzle once more, toghether?"

-

your friendly reminder that you can request things [here]

[justwonder113]

I saw that you're gonna start writing haikyuu fanfic and !!! I have a request if you don't mind. Daichi with a girlfriend (or partner if you prefer writing gn) who is usually very tough (not necessarily stoic or mean) they're pretty physically strong and generally have spent their lives looking out for themselves and everyone else(v self sacrificial... probably to an unhealthy degree) and daichi and them have a fight and they just sorta break down about how they always have to look after themselves and everyone else and how no one's ever been the one to protect them and they just want a moment where they don't feel like they have to fight all the time, perhaps ends in fluff? Idk if you like the idea I would love to read your take on it but if not that's totally cool!:)

Hi there, thank you so much for an amazing request like this it was an amazing challenge for me and I really hope you like it, I'm really sorry I haven't been able to update it earlier, it's just it turned out harder than I imagined, but I'm really glad I finished it, I really enjoyed writing it maybe it's because I know the feeling but i don't know, I hope this is what you had in mind and I hope you will like it too.

Daichi x ( f)Reader (but nothing's really implied so basically I think it's gn, have to proof read it again.)

WARNINGS:Angst to fluff, mental breakdown and anxiety attack, also a reader who isn't somfortable showing their emotional side and is more of a lone wolfs who can take care of everything by themselves.

Word cound; around 3k

You didn't even know when you started shielding yourself from everyone and everything or when was the first time you thought that you had to be the one in control of everything all strong and all, but it was part of you now definitely. You didn't think of it as something bad and you certainly didn't expect that your timidness could lead you to having an argument with your boyfriend.

For as long as you knew you were the one taking care of everything, you dealt with your own stuff and sometimes even helped others with theirs. It was always like that and at this point you just got used to it.

You liked the fact that you were this reliable, strong and independent person in the other's eyes. It made you feel better about yourself. Just knowing that people felt like they could trust you and come up to you was kind of ego boosting. It was also good knowing that there were people who looked up to you and admired you.

You were fine with keeping up this image if you knew that you made others feel at least somewhat better with your words of advice.

You knew how important it was sometimes to just let everything out but you were not like so many of your acquaintances, you couldn't just go to someone and vent out everything you had in you no matter howuch you trusted them or how approachable they were. Firstly, if you were to open up to someone you would need to have really deep trust to the said person, and secondly you just couldn't vent out because you knew how it felt like to be on the receiving end.

You loved your friends and you would move mountains for them, you really appreciated that they felt safe with you and trusted you, but sometimes being on the receiving end all the time and taking all this negativity away from them was really emotionally draining. Like some people would come up to you whining about all the drama in their lives and how miserable they were, they would let out everything and then would just leave without even asking how you were doing. You just couldn't do the same to the others no matter how much you were going through, you wouldn't burden them with your problems and all your drama. Even if it meant storing everything inside for all eternity.

Well it wasn't like you didn't want to let your emotions out and vent out everything to everyone, to let someone else help you bear this burden at least once, especially at times when you felt most vulnerable, then dealing with all this seemed impossible, whenever you were so stressed that it was affecting your lifestyle, you couldn't eat drink or sleep normally. Or whenever everything seemed to pile to the point that you felt this horrible tightness in your chest area, when your stomach was swirling nonstop and you felt claustrophobic, when your breathing was shaggy and your mind was foggy yet wouldn't stop working and kept coming up with all those unnecessary thoughts. Those were the times when you truly felt that no matter how strong and capable you were you didn't want to be alone. You didn't want to be this strong person for just this moment, you didn't want to be the one in control you wanted to be the one taking cared of and being pampered. You wanted to just let go knowing that someone was there to listen to you, to hold you when you finally fell apart.

You thought that maybe you were shielding everyone from this side of you, you didn't want to burden them, you didn't want to come as overbearing and maybe you were shielding yourself from them too, because what if others found you annoying, too weak, fragile and unable to take care of everything. Maybe they would find out that, in the end, you were nothing special, you were too pain and just not worth it, so it was a perfect defence mechanism.

You weren't doing anything wrong right? So then why was it the reason you got in the fight with your boyfriend? Why was something that was meant to protect you this much pain? And why couldn't you say anything even after this? Why were you still terrified of speaking up? You were talking about Daichi whom you trusted with your whole life. A man who was willing to be with you trhough thick and thin. You didn't know anyone else who was more reliable and kind or sweet like him. You felt thankful everyday that you had him by yourside, he made almost everyday better for you.

Maybe that's why you were so afraid to speak up? That he was so perfect? Maybe after seeing this side of yours he would realize how much more he deserved. He would realize how flawed you actually were and that you were not worth all this trouble and that terrified you. You were most definitely not ready to end things with him, not that you were thinking that you would ever be. Daichi was the one thing you wanted constantly in your life, you were hundred percent sure of it. He was really precious and dear to you even though he didn't really believe you now.

You felt that you were slowly losing control over yourself and gripped yourself tighter, to make you feel more safe. It felt like the walls were closing down on you and you felt claustrophobic even though you were on the balcony and the chilly wind was hitting you in the face. Your whole body was trembling but not from the cold weather or your chilly out of place attire. You felt numb like there was nothing inside you, only this heavy thing on your chest and all this thoughts that were only making things worse.

What was the time even? You lost track of it trying to regain yourself, it had to be really late, as you watched horizon you noticed that sun would soon start to rise, you stayed up all night huh? Daichi would wake up soon too to go to work too, how could you avoid him then? You didn't know what to tell him, what to do. You coudln't even go to bed, to lay next to him, you felt guilty because you knew that as much as you had your reasons to act this way he had them too and he also was in pain because of you, because he thought that you didn't trust him and didn't love him enough. You felt terribly guilty because you couldn't even manage to say anythin after he opened up to you, after he showed you his vulnerable side. Daichi wasn't the one to openly talk about his emotions so you knew what it cost him too. You hated yourself so much for it.

You couldn't really stop the tears at this point, any second now you would fall apart and you didn't even know if you would be able to pick yourself up before he woke up.

"Y/N?" You heard a deep grumble making you jump. You looked back to see your boyfriend looking at you with wide eyes. In seconds he was next to you wiping your tears away, scanning your face carefully. "You're freezing! What are you doing here? Didn't you go to sleep? What about your clothes? Where is your robe? You will catch a cold!" He kept mumbling to himself while rubbing your cheeks gently, he looked completely awake now. How did he care about you so much after you hurt him this bad, how did he not leave? Why was he so worried about you? Were you really worth it? Why did he really love you? So many whys were piling up in your head.

You felt this tightness against your heart and you doubled over holding your chest tightly. The sobs kept breaking our from your mouth and your whole body was shaking uncontrollably. Daichi immediately took you in his arms and took you inside sitting you both on the bed and wrapping a blanket around you to at least somehow warm your freezing body. His large hands immediately found their place around you as he helped you sit on his lap, rubbing soothing circles there and there to help you calm down whilest murmuring against your neck to just keep breathing.

"I'm here love, you're safe, you can let it all out." He mumbled and placed a kiss on your shoulder. "I'm not going anywhere... You're safe, I'm here with you." You continued sobbing you couldn't really stop now, it was as if the dam was finally broken, you couldn't really hold anything in even if your life was on the line Daichi was the only one grounding you. Thankfully Daichi didn't even think of letting go, he held you in his arms and let you let everything out. It felt like you've been crying for hours, eventually fatigue must have taken over because the next thing you saw was total darkness.

When you opened up your eyes the first thing you noticed was the brightness, it must have been at least noon now. The next thing was two arms still being tight around your frame.  Your head was still on Daichi's  shoulder. He must have moved you both because both of you were under a blanket now, still in yesterday's attire. You felt a bit sore, but that must have been from sitting for hours on the balcony. Your head hurt like crazy, it felt like you had one of the worst hangovers, you could swear you could hear slight ringing.

"Are you awake love?" Daichi asked quietly to check if you were really awake, he shifted slightly groaning quietly, it made you jolt up which was a bad decision because your head hurt even more now.

"Were you like this all night? God I'm sorry it must have been so uncomfortable!" You felt guilty seeing that he spent all night sitting against bed frame having you in his lap. It must have been really uncomfortable.

"It's fine, I didn't really want to let you go. How could I, I think it was the first time I have ever seen you cry. It scared the hell out of me when I saw that you were not in the bed and then it scared me even more when I saw that you were on the verge of breaking down on the balcony at 4am. How are you feeling now?" He took your hand in his and looked at you expectantly.  You froze, it was what you were afraid of, you made him worry so much and he saw how pathetic you could get, on top of it you made him spend whole night like that just because he felt responsible of you. "Okay I can hear gears in your head shifting and based on your look right now I'm pretty sure you're thinking unnecessary stuff. Just don't hold back talk to me, please?" He looked at you with pleading eyes, squeezing your hand tighter.

"I made you worry, and you spent the whole night holding me in that uncomfortable position all because I couldn't hold it in and was weak." You mumbled in shame.

"Who said that I thought you were weak?" Daichi asked and he honestly looked dumbfounded.

You took a deep breath and looked away. "I'm saying it, I hate it when I can't control my emotions and act like a whiny crybaby. I hate whenever it happens, and everything seems out of my control, and I especially hate it there's another one to witness it. I don't want people to see how weak I am." You finally said it and looked down in shame wrapping your hands tighter around your frame. You looked up when Daichi pinched both of your cheeks and inspected your face again. "Ow Dai what are you doing?" You whined.

"Had to make sure you were human and not a robot." He smiled at you and kissed your hand. " I will tell you a secret, I have never thought that you were at least somewhat close to being weak, in fact you're probably one of the strongest people I have ever met. I admire you, I really do.  You're so strong, confident, this powerful person whom everyone loves and admires including me." He placed another kiss on your temple, "you don't know how proud I am to be called your boyfriend! And I don't see this habit of yours as something bad, I was out of line yesterday and I really hurt you saying that you don't trust me or love me, it was never my intention to make you worry this much and seeing you in that shape because of me really broke my heart. I know you trust me and I know you love me, you never fail to make me realize it. You're always there for me whenever I need it, through thick and thin, you always know what goes in my mind and always help me with whatever you can, I can't really count how many times you have helped me. You make every day brighter for me and I can't help but feel thankful that I have you. You don't have to worry about it okay? It's just that I got insecure and it really got to me that's why I was on edge yesterday and provoked an argument." He rubbed his neck  sheepishly when he noticed that you were dumbfounded, he took a deep breath to continue. " It's just that seeing you being all reliable and approachable made me question if I was doing at least remotely good job being there for you too, you're always doing everything on your own like you don't need anyone else to do what's needed and I was worried that you would realize that you didn't really need me. I guess it was my own way of saying that I needed some sort of confirmation." He rubbed his neck looking away from you, "I know you're capable of taking care of yourself and that you don't like showing your vulnerable side, that's completely understandable but you're a human too. You shouldn't just hold everything in, you have to let it out at some point and I want to be there for you when that happens. I like that you're always there for others, for me but I don't want you to forget about yourself, I want you to think about yourself more. You're amazing, the most amazing human being and I thank the stars everyday that I met you. But when I see you struggling hut still trying to shrug it off to play it off because you don't want to burden anyone or just because you're not used to asking for help really breaks my heart. I can't bear to imagine that something like yesterday can happen again. I've known you for years and no matter how much you try to hold it in I notice when you're struggling. I know you have been stressed a lot these days, you don't eat nor sleep like you used too and there's also some other signs. I wanted to give you time, you would approach me when you felt like it but when you never did I started questioning whether or not was I a reliable partner for you. Now I realize I was just feeling pretty and how much my words actually hurt you." He leaned his forehead on yours, "I'm sorry love." Listening to all this you could feel your your eyes start to water up but somehow you didn't really feel the urge to bring yourself together asap, you felt oddly comfortable.

"Have I ever told you that even tears look best on you? God how am I so lucky?" Daichi teased you and started littering your face with kisses making a smile break from you. You smiled fondly as you started to play with his hair, Daichi only hummed in appreciation. "Man, how am I so lucky?"

"Shut up, you're being sappy." You tested, Daichi grinned.

"I'm not the one in love with a sappy person," his eyes tingled with mischief.

"Well, I can't deny that, it's very much true." You purred and gave him a kiss, "I'm helplessly in love with a sap, who is the most amazing boyfriend, he's the most loyal, kind, dependable and amazing person, who makes me happy every day. I trust you the most and I know that I can count on you any time of any day. I didn't approach you because I didn't want to affect the mood, your life has been going on great and I didn't want ro ruin your good mood. I also knew that part of my problems were caused by me so I wasn't really in the mood to talk about it and I knew I had to be one to take care of everything, well I thought I could. Mostly I didn't want you to think I'm weak, I'm not that confident and powerful and I have many flaws I was kind of afraid you would see it and realize that you deserve better" you sniffed and rubbed You nose, you felt vulnerable, it felt as if you were naked and were showing yourself to Daichi, every word was stained and forced and it made you really uncomfortable but you wanted him to know everything, he deserved it. Daichi gripped your hand tighter to encourage you. "It's just I've been dealing with everything on my own since I remember, it was always me, at first it was really lonely but when people started noticing my independence and resourcefulness I kinda grew into it, it was like a confidence booster, but after that when I really needed help, when I was unable to come up with solutions I found it impossible to ask for help. I'm supposed to be strong I'm supposed to be smart so why am I asking for help to others? Can't I deal with this? I just can't find the power to go up to others even when I know that it's most reasonable thing. I know I can rely on you and you don't realize how much of a breather it's for me, and you help me in so many ways and I think you don't even realize that. I'm trying to say that I will try better and I will make sure to get over this problem but I will need time, but please remember that I really love you and I trust you with my life and I will do my best to make sure you know it okay?" You were amazed, it felt like something lifted of your chest and Daichis smiling face only made the feeling stronger. Tears were still streaming down your face but you didn't really care, this was who you were and you wanted to show it to him.

"You're not perfect love and you will never be" your heart skipped a beat at Daichi's serious tone, you felt terrified because it felt like the moment you dreaded the most, you knew he loved you but you also knew he was one of the reasonable guys, "the word is already flawed because nothing in this world is perfect, not you, not me and not everyone and not everything. Everything has it's flaws I have them as much as you do. You don't need to be perfect and you don't need to work yourself to fix your flaws. You are who you are and that's why I love you, I love everything about you including this so called weak side of yours. I love that you strive to be the best but I don't like that you're bringing yourself down to achieve it. You're amazing, you're capable, you're kind and you're smart and god you're so beautiful both on the inside and outside. I think I'm lucky I'm even breathing the same air as you, " he smiled cheekily at you making you giggle. "I want to say that you don't need to fix anything this is who you are and I love and support you, but if you want to improve I'm here and I will help you every step of the way. I will be always there for you, you don't even have to tell me anything just somehow point to me that you need me and I will do my best, we can talk about it for hours or we can just sit in silence for the whole night but you will know that I'm with you, just please don't be afraid to approach me, I will never judge you and I will never turn my back on you. In fact" Daichi got up and went to one of the drawers only to take out small box and return to you. You looked up at him with wide eyes. " I didn't plan on giving you this het because I wanted to plan this romantic evening but I think it's a good idea to give it to you now. Y/n you're the love of my life, and as cheesy as it sounds you're my sun, my moon and my stars, you make me feel more alive than I ever was and you just make everything better. I can't promise you a wedding or something in the near future but I want to give you this to let you know how serious I am about you and this relationship. I want to give you this as a sign that I will be there for you and I will love you till the rest of my days. I love every part of you and I want to help to teach you how to love them too." He put the box on your palm after he finished speaking, you were speechless, and torn between wanting to jump on him and drown him with kisses and proclamations of your love and curiosity of the box. You opened the box to find that beautiful ring you were eyeing few weeks ago when you went out with Daichi.

"I think I fell for you harder." You mumbled still in shock, you stared ar your new ring with lovesick eyes, which by the way sat perfectly on your fingers.

"well look who's being a sap now," Daichi grinned and kissed the hand you put your ring on. "But either way it's good because since I didn't go to work today I demand my cuddles now and I expect to be given them now, few kisses would be nice too." You giggles and got closer to him.

"Aww is my babyboy feeling needy?"You teased but still started kissing his face, Daichi smiled and nodded his head, holding you by the waist tightly. You smiled and got closer to him, everything felt just perfect. He really was your safe heaven.

[hobiscloset]

@punkrockbrokemy--heart submitted a request for us to roast these looks. Thanks for the visually induced trauma bestie! Guest-starring the amazing @textsfrombangtan (marked as L)

E - Let's go from left to right on the top picture. A - it's just all so bad! im having a mild breakdown about this whole picture

Jimin E - so you know theater kids? A - Yeah, you and me E - Hey! but it's true. this is theater kid but in the early 80s late 70s. paint-splattered jeans and a flannel layered A - oh you are correct. it's not tech week though E - yeah this is during set building

Jhope N - Jorts is just going to a highlighter party A - he's a village people stan. before the word stan existed. so a village people groupie L - i'm not entirely convinced he isn't a village person A - its not a coherent enough theme to be a village person in this fit L - fair enough. this man has never seen a coherent theme in his life E - some kind of like burning man neon party

Jin N - my dad in Paris in the 70s A - I was gonna say the flashback dads in mama mia. so like same dif E - he's just one of the guys in Mama Mia 2 A - Bill E - you are absolutely correct and should say it L - strong agree. bill because he's definitely thinking "why did it have to be me" throughout L - i feel like he got off the lightest here but it might just be me looking at that damn face N - No he definitely made out the best E - i feel like overall they always take the least risks on Jin. like idk what it is but 8/10 times im like "eh" to his clothes A - they're like 'people just want to look at his face, put him in a button up and be done with it' N - Because if they go too hard with it he will wear it to music bank again L - this or jin just goes "no." and there's absolutely nothing they can do about it. jinhitent Jungkook A - baby is a 17 year old who decided yesterday that he was now into black smithing L - baby again with the butt flap this time in the most unfortunate colour A - look at my cool leather apron its so authentic N - Baby is my brother in high school before he asked me how colors work A - he doesnt care about colours he just wants to make knives. ive known this exact child. four of them actually E - yeah i was gonna say like kid with odd hobbies and no anxiety. his goal is to get on Forged in Fire and make a knife in 2 hours that gets thrown at a wall A - Precisely

RM A - Quite literally one of the bullies from the power rangers E - i know the exact guy L - ash ketchum on steroids E - ash ketchum if pokemon had been made live action when they did that horrible dragon ball z movie. like he's got a punk/grunge phase L - precisely and the jeans... they're so long N - A toddler allowed to choose all his own clothes

Suga E - he just looks like every bisexual i know after going to the thrift store like "youll never guess what i found", pulls out yet another bowling shirt A - its true but hey! L - this is a wham! fit. like club tropicana vibes. beach club promoter but the club is dogshit and he knows it N - Mamoru from the original sailor moon anime (pause while E looked it up)

E - oh god you are absolutely right ! A - A VERY SOLID CALL L - aksjdbsbajzjs accuracy 100 N - I know my sailor moon bad fashion

V L - *sharp inhale * A - I get Napolean dynamite character vibes in the most (derogatory) way N - An art student who is very aware how pretentious everyone around him is and put on the worst outfit he could find to see how people would twist themselves up trying to call it Art E - oh i love that. troll art student. also whose fucking face is that and why am i convinced its like a serial killer? L - the face on his shirt is the face i made when i saw this A - have you ever seen a three year old that insists they dress themselves without any help E - i want my ballet tights and my fire fighter uniform and my dinosaur top A - its just 100 percent this Final Thoughts N - The argument could be made that all of them are toddlers who insisted on dressing themselves E - all together its very much like, kindergarten class vibes L - idk it just feels like they hit the random sim generator seven times and they got all the worst traits E -you know that computer program Cher has in Clueless? with all her clothes. this is what happens when you press random and shuffle at the same time L - yes and they only allow the fit when a big fat X comes up on the screen and cher goes "ugh as if" E - cher's outfit software, wrong answers only L - i think this whole thing can be distilled down to "wrong answers only"

[amphxtrite]

harry potter x fem!reader

warnings: ⚠️tw⚠️ suicide, substance abuse, blood, suicidal thoughts, alcohol, depression, anxiety, breakdowns, kissing, overall pure angst with a fluffy ending.

currently unedited please excuse grammatical mistakes

summary: A summer changes the girl harry potter fell in love with, leaving her with more pain than she’d ever admit.

a/n: there are many things in here that may be triggering, please consider the warnings before reading.

word count: 6k (writing this really helped get my feelings out)

taglist: @oldschoolkiddo

please message me to be added to my taglist

enjoy <3

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Rushing down the Hogwarts halls, bags slung over your shoulder and sun shining through the windows, you scour the crowds of students leaving Hogwarts for summer vacation, trying to pick a familiar brunette with green eyes.

Rounding the corner, you spot three gryffindors chatting by a stone pillar and run towards them, crashing into one of the boy’s backs.

“Guess who?” You giggle, feeling Harry’s chest vibrate as he chuckles.

“Hm, I don’t know, is it Hagrid?” He teases, running his chin as Hermione grins. “Nope.” You laugh, popping the ‘p’

“Is it Dumbledore?” Harry tries again, placing his hand over yours and stroking his thumb over your fingers. “Afraid not lightning.”

“Well then, perhaps is it y/n?” Harry turns, wrapping you in his arms as you laugh and hug him back.

“Are you guys ready for summer?” You ask, glancing around at Hermione and Ron before glancing back at Harry.

They all bore similar expressions, small smiles with a ‘maybe’ face. You roll your eyes.

“Don’t tell me you’re off to save the world over summer too.” You sigh, releasing yourself from Harry’s arms and walking to Ron to give him a hug.

“We won’t get in too much trouble.” Ron chuckles, patting you on the back and letting you walk over to Hermione.

“We just never know at this point.” She shrugs, squeezing you tightly.

“Well I’ll meet you guys on the train!” You smile.

The ride back to your platform was as it always was, the trees whipped by and swayed. The sky was lined with puffy white clouds. The snack trolley passed and you bought yourself a chocolate frog and some ‘every flavour’ beans to share with your mom when you got home, a tradition as they were her favourite, and because she needed a little happiness with you off at school and your father gone.

Sitting back and sighing. The golden trio finally arrived at your cabin and told you about their summer plans. Hermione was travelling, Ron was staying home and Harry was staying with the Dursley’s until he could ‘find a reason to escape to the Weasley’s’ as he put it.

The train arrives at your stop and you grab your bags to leave.

“Write to me if you can, all of you, and I’ll see you next year.” You smile, walking back over to Harry and planting a quick kiss to his cheek, ruffling Ron’s hair and kissing Hermione’s forehead.

“Bye y/n!” Ron and Hermione chime.

“Bye thunder!” Harry calls as you turn again and wave. “Bye lightning, bye guys!” You smile, rushing off to the train.

“So you finally told her?” Ron chuckles, patting Harry on the back.

“What are you talking about?” Harry asks furrowing his eyebrows.

“We know you like her mate, and she just kissed you on the cheek!” Ron continues.

“W-Well maybe I do fancy her, but she gave Mione a kiss too!” Harry stammers, his face going as red as his uniform.

“That was platonic Harry, we can tell she likes you, lightning.” Hermione teases using your nickname for him.

“Listen, I don’t want to jump to conclusions and creep y/n out. She’s an amazing friend and I’d like it to stay that way.” Harry smiles, looking off into the distance to see you still walking away.

“Even if she does like you back?” Ron questions.

“Well you don’t know if she does.” Harry sighs, rolling his eyes.

Your eyes scan the station for your mother, swiveling your head back and forth to find her but only seeing other families being reunited with their children.

Pursing your lips you sigh and wait for a moment. Hoping and praying that this year would be different, and your mother would come running to you with open arms. Seconds fade to minutes, and soon the station is almost empty as excited parents rush home to hear about Hogwarts adventures.

You pull your luggage behind you as you walk to the front of the station and hail a muggle cab, leaning your head against the cool window as the pink skies shine above you, the driver makes no move for conversation, so your drive is silent, and when you finally reach your old house, you hand the man driving the rest of your muggle allowance and nod him goodbye.

Your house was looking as quiet and calm as you had left it.

The flowers you had planted last summer had wilted, the porch sat empty and the stairs still creaked as you approached the door. Home.

You smile as you turn your key in the lock and push open the door, setting your bags on the floor as you set out, candy in hand in search of your mother. The kitchen sat empty with only the soft hum of the refrigerator suggesting someone still lived here. The living room was empty, the old leather couch seemed to be collecting dust and the tv looked like an ancient artifact with the cobwebs strung on the sides. As you ascend the stairs to the second floor, you notice the blinds to every window suspiciously closed. Odd, your mother usually enjoyed watching the sunset.

The floorboards beneath you give high pitched creaks as you walk across the hallways, something you had always despised, especially as a child trying to sneak sweets in the early hours.

Pushing open your mothers bedroom, your eyebrows furrow as her bed laid neatly made, with not a thing out of place. The usual mess of pill bottles and plastic bottles had been cleaned, the pile of clothes had disappeared and she was still nowhere to be found. A sense of dread bubbles in the pit of your stomach as you push on, checking her closet and even your own room for your mom, but nothing.

You turn around with a plan to head to town and see if she was visiting the pharmacy for her pills again, or maybe the grocery store, heck, maybe she had stopped at the corner store for cigarettes again. You turn to shrug on a jacket and leave, but as you reach for the front door knob again, your head snaps up and your blood runs cold.

“No, no, no. Please no.” You repeat to yourself, running up the stairs with tears in your eyes and you approach the one room you had yet to check. The one place your head told you she was, but your heart refused to believe. There was no way it could be true. She’d be opening the door right now, the sound of keys clattering on the table in the kitchen would alert you she was there. She’d say, “I’m sorry I couldn’t pick you up, work was awful today.” And she’d proceed to pull out her groceries so you could prepare your favourite meal together, after dinner you would sit on the couch and you’d tell her all about your school girl crush on Harry Potter and she’d tease you as she popped a jelly bean into her mouth and give you the best motherly advice you could ask for. You pause at the closed door and pause, waiting for the door to open, waiting for the sound of footsteps, even the sound of breathing, anything.

You’re met with silence, and in the exact two hundred and sixteen seconds you stood outside the bathroom door, tears began to cloud your vision as you finally opened the door, counting another ten seconds before opening your eyes.

The first thing you saw was your mother, eyes closed and face unusually pale as she lay in the bathtub, and for a moment, you almost convinced yourself she had fallen asleep.

That is until your eyes trailed down her body, and where the water turned red. You drop the jellybeans and everything goes blurry.

“No…” You whimper incredulously, not realizing you had fallen to your knees until the pain in your legs registered and your eyes flooded. Her skin was littered with scars, ones she obtained from her job, harmless ones that healed with time. Beside them were what you cried for. Large, angry gashes that covered her wrists and stole the life from her.

Your face contorts into a hateful cry as you scream, pain flooding your entire being as the metallic sting of blood floods your nose and you gag.

Words seem to blur together, a mixture of ‘why’ and ‘come back, please.’ Seemed to be the only ones that came out coherently as you collapse and slam your fists repeatedly against the floor.

“Mommy, why did you do this? Why did you leave me?” You sob softly, hesitantly touching her face, ice cold to the touch, a quick check of her pulse showed she was gone, but you could tell from the colour still draining from her face that this was recent. Another choked sob escapes your lips as you turn away from her and spot something sitting on the bathroom sink. A letter.

You scramble to grab it and tear it open.

Y/n, if you’re reading this, you’ve gotten home safely and seen me by now. Please know this isn’t your fault love, I just couldn’t bear this anymore. You know that ever since your father left I’ve struggled, you were the only reason I still wanted to stay alive baby, but it’s too much. Everyday I wake up and I have no reason to stay. I was fired not too long ago, lost all my friends to my absence, and lost everything.

Please forgive me. I love you so much, angel, and I’m so so proud of you, I’m resting now baby. I’m finally free.

The paper starts to crinkle as your hands tighten to fists, your tears spill like rivers down your face and your breathing grows rapid as your head falls into your hands.

“P-Please don’t go… You’re all I have, I-I can’t lose you.” You sob, pushing her hair back against her forehead in the soothing manner she had always done for you.

“Please, please, please. I can’t lose you mom… I-I still haven’t told you about this boy at school, t-the test I aced in potions even though professor Snape hates me, all the house points I got, mom there's still so much I have to tell you…” You sniffle, pressing a kiss to her head as you sit back on your heels and push the tears from your eyes to no avail.

“I got your-your every flavoured beans mom, I was hoping we could share them as I told you, maybe I would get an earwax one and you would laugh.” You stutter as the tears flood your eyes again. “I miss your laugh so much mom, please, can I hear it one more time.” You beg, refusing to move from your spot on the floor next to your mother, holding her head in your arms as you begged and prayed for her to come back, going as far as to try and perform magic to heal her wounds and bring her back.

But even magic couldn’t bring her back, and she’d want more for you than to be expelled for uselessly trying to save her.

Eventually the metallic scent became more than you could bear, you pushed yourself away, swallowing your sobs and closing the door behind you. You had no clue what you were going to do with her, but that would be a problem you’d face another day. Your breathing began to race, your heart pounded a million miles a second and the overwhelming feeling of being trapped settled around you, squeezing you into a box you could not escape from, pushing from all sides until you were clawing at yourself to escape your imagined prison.

It was too much. You run down the hallway to your mother’s room and collapse in front of her cabinet, trembling as you tug open the bottom drawer and grab a small cylindrical container with her name on it.

You knew this was a terrible idea, these were strong muggle painkillers meant to help a grown adult, not a teen.

But the looming dread was too much to ignore, too much to bear, too much to even think about. Your mother’s lifeless body flashed through your head, painfully embedding itself into every inch of your memory until it burned.

You pour an unknown amount into your hand and throw them into your mouth, swallowing them dry and collapsing onto the floor in a fit of anger at your actions and pain. Pain so blinding it swallowed your rage, filling your entire being with a convulsing sadness, and as the meds began to kick in, an artificial peace.

New sunlight shines through the closed blinds onto your closed eyes and you finally stir, sitting upright holding your head in your hands, clueless for a moment what you were doing on the floor. Scanning the room, the burning memory hits you like a punch to the face and you freeze, resisting the urge to empty whatever sat in your stomach onto the floor.

“What am i going to do?” You murmur to yourself, glancing around helplessly for something, someone to hold on too, but alas, you sit alone, clutching a pill bottle in your hands.

You eventually snapped to your senses, called a muggle ambulance to help you get your mother out of the tub and before you knew it, you were standing in a flowerless field as two workers lowered your mother into the ground. They offered you condolences and convincing frowns, but to them this was just another job. One more person laid to rest, no care to know what tragic story was buried in the heart of the one person standing at the funeral.

They left without a word you stood at the headstone, engraving the image into your mind.

‘m/n l/n, finally at peace.’

You convinced yourself reading those carved words would have your feelings set in stone. She was at peace now, finally free from her suffering. But it wasn’t that simple, how could it be?

The last family you had ever known was gone, ripped from your arms and held so far above you, there was no possible way you could reach her.

You trudged back home with a permanent feeling of dread looming over you, again your heart begged to have the pain lifted, even for a moment, just to feel alright. And there was only one way you could think of.

“This always helped take the edge off her…” You murmur, digging through your mother’s drawer again to find an untouched box of cigarettes sitting at the bottom.

“This will help…” You convince yourself, taking the box and standing again, slowly trudging out the front door and sitting on the front porch.

“Everything’s gonna be okay.” You murmur lifting a cigarette to your lips and lighting it like you’d seen your mother do many times before.

Inhaling deeply, you barely flinch as the smooth taste of smoke coats your throat. You exhale as you look up into the sky and sigh, it was going to be a long summer.

It almost became an immediate response for stress to pull a cigarette from your pocket and stick it in your mouth, you didn’t particularly enjoy it, but in a twisted way, the smell reminded you of your mother, and you clutched onto anything that reminded you of her.

When you didn’t have cigarettes you turned to alcohol, your mother hadn’t been much of a drinker, but gifts of different drinks were common when her friends came over were common, and they sat untouched in a cabinet in the basement.

The taste of many of them were bitter, but if you drank enough the taste simply didn’t matter and the buzz took over.

Letters from your friends slowly piled on your window as owls came and went as you threw back fire whiskey and stared into space talking to yourself and shooing away the owls who stared at you strangely before flapping away.

When you weren’t at home you went into the small town nearby and bought anything advertised to take the pain away, no one seemed to pay you any mind, many seemed to be going through it as well, to caught up in their own realities to give a shit about a girl buying sleep medication and painkillers, no matter how strong.

You dove deeper into your pain, taking something every night to lull away the nightmares and ignore the pain. Drinking and smoking in the day to cover the tears and help you forget for a couple hours.

Some days were better than others, when you could just sit outside and enjoy the fresh summer air, but others your anxiety caged you up and you did anything to escape.

One late August afternoon a snowy white owl lands beside you on your front porch as you twiddle your thumbs and hum softly.

It drops the letter directly onto your lap and waits staring up at you expectantly as if asking you to open the envelope and read it to them.

“Alright, I get the message.” You yawn, sitting up and ripping the paper off the top of the letter and pulling a piece of parchment into your hand.

You clear your throat and begin, “dear y/n..

I hope you’re doing well, you haven’t responded to any of my letters yet and I’ve been very worried, Ron and Hermione have told me you haven’t been answering them either and we’re all hoping you’re safe. School’s starting up again and I’m looking forward to seeing you, take care.

Harry Potter.”

The owl looks at you again, and you wondered if it actually thought you were going to respond.

“Sorry pal, I’m not writing anything back. Here, for your troubles.” You nod, placing three knuts in front of the bird. The snowy owl looked down at the money oddly before ruffling his feathers and flying away, leaving you alone once again.

“Harry.” You sigh, sipping on a glass of water. You had completely forgotten you had promised to write to your friends over the summer, almost forgotten your life completely as you tried to focus on keeping yourself alive.

“What the fuck am I going to do?” You sigh, setting down your cup and resting your head against your knees.

Summer blew by much faster once you realized how close the first day back really was, but there you were standing in the empty street hailing a cab to travel back to your station.

You pull your sweater closer to you as your leg shakes furiously and your breathing grows rapidly blowing through every possible bad scenario that crosses your mind. The disappointed faces of your old friends, laughter, teasing, each thought clouds your thoughts. A cold sweat breaks out and you can almost feel yourself slipping when a voice pulls you out.

“Um, miss? We’re here.” The cab driver says, glancing back at you worried.

“O-Oh, thank you.” You clear your throat, handing him his payment and stepping out of the car and grabbing your suitcase.

Taking a deep breath you wipe the sweat from your forehead and walk to the magical platform, bracing yourself as always before stepping through the brick border.

Loud and bustling, you quietly walk towards the Hogwarts Express, but instead of walking to your usual compartment where you knew the golden trio would be sitting you strode all the way down to the back of the train and sat in an empty seat.

Glancing around, you make sure the coast is clear before pulling out a cigarette and lighting it, instantly feeling a rush of relief as you take a deep breath in and out.

You watched as the trees disappeared behind the window and the sky shone above, but it didn’t feel right. You didn’t get the usual rush of excitement and joy, in fact you almost felt worse the closer you got to Hogwarts. You close the blinds hurriedly and sit back in your seat.

“No I-I’m sure I saw her come this way.” A voice calls out not too far from you.

“Harry, We’ve been down this way three times already!”

Harry.

“Fuck.” You whisper, pulling the hood of your sweater over your head and keeping your eyes trained on the floor.

“Mate we gotta get changed into our uniforms, we’ll see her at the feast.” Ron sighs, probably pulling Harry away as their voices fade away and you’re left alone again.

You curse yourself for hiding. Why were you hiding from the people you loved? What were you so afraid of?

The answer lay plain as day, no matter how hard you tried to ignore it.

You were afraid of them seeing you like this. Broken down, exhausted, and with a cigarette sticking past your lip.

That did remind you, your uniform.

Covering the compartment windows with your jacket, you quickly swap your hoodie for your collared shirt and a tie. Running a brush through your hair you menatlly prepare yourself to re-enter your life, a life that no longer seemed like yours. Stepping off the Hogwarts express, it felt like you were seeing your past life, a flash of familiarity you no longer knew, a warmth you could recognize that was no longer for you.

You recoil softly at the shiver running down your spine, but push forwards, walking along surrounded by the sea of students.

Reaching where the carriages usually were, you look up expecting the usual strangeness of being pulled by an invisible force, but stumble backwards at the sight of a dark, nightmarish horse standing before you.

It’s eyes seemed to narrow, glaring daggers at you that seemed to pierce your very soul. You quickly climb into a carriage with some random  students and stare out the windows the entire ride.

Their quiet chatter is drowned out by your thoughts, coming up with a way to avoid the golden trio at all cost seemed to be a top priority, followed by the need to down some firewhisky to get your mind off everything.

You kept repeating to yourself everything would be okay, just make it up the stairs, around the pillars, dodge anyone that seemed to be walking in your direction and hurry up to your dormitory. Collapsing into the bed that was now called yours you sigh and bunch the blankets into your fists and breathe properly for the first time since you left your house. Your roommates had yet to show and you were grateful for the alone time. Your hands finally stopped shaking, your sweat finally stopped and your breathing evened. You finally work up the strength to unzip your suitcase and pull the small container of firewhiskey you had brought out of your bag. You unscrew it and take a small sip, allowing the burning liquid to slowly take your edge off and calm you down. You sat for a moment nursing the bottle against your lips, contemplating whether or not it would be smart to go down to the great hall for the feast. You were starving and needed food, but you couldn’t face anyone in this state. Glancing at your faint reflection on the window you swallow at the unfamiliarity of the person staring back at you. Where had the happy girl you once were gone? And who was the stranger you were looking at? Your summer had been restless and difficult, of course. But had it really been enough to shake you to the point you didn’t recognize yourself?

What a stupid question. You almost laugh to yourself, tilting your head back again and drinking a little more. Drinking was supposed to take your mind off your situation, not have you overthink even more.

After a while of sitting and glaring out the window you finally pick yourself up, tuck away your firewhiskey and straighten your uniform. You make your way down towards the great hall, walking slowly down the halls you used to run through. Staring in boredom at the carvings and paintings on the wall you used to admire with awe. Keeping your mouth shut when you used to laugh down these corridors.

Finally reaching the great hall the sorting ceremony was still in full swing, playing as a distraction while you slipped to your table.

You sit and nod hello to the students surrounding you, giving them empty excuses on why you were late, and half-heartedly listening to their stories.

Your only thought at the moment was to eat and keep your head down, become invisible if you must.

Harry glances around the great hall anxiously looking for your face. He had barely touched his food, hardly clapped at the new students being sorted into their houses, barely talked to Hermione and Ron as they watched Harry worriedly.

Harry had only one thought on his mind, find you. See if you were alright, hug you in his arms and tell you he missed you, ask you about your summer and ask you to Hogsmeade like he was too afraid to last year. He had so much planned, all he was missing was you.

Just as Ron opens his mouth to tell Harry to quit for a moment and just eat, he catches sight of familiar h/c hair. Longer than he remembered, but no doubtebly yours. Standing in a hurry Harry runs off leaving Ron and Hermione confused, glancing over to see where the brunette had run off to.

Your head snaps up as you hear footsteps approach you and just in time you see Harry running towards you. His green eyes were alight in joy. His tousled brown hair was shorter and he looked older, more mature. Your heart drops as you frantically try and hide your face. He couldn’t see you like this, what on earth would he think?

“Y/n, there you are I’ve been looking for you!”

Bloody hell, his voice had gotten deeper too. Still holding that boyish grin that you loved so much.

“Y/n? A-Are you okay?”

Go away. You pleaded in your head, refusing to look up into the green eyes you’d fallen for.

Harry refuses to give up and attempts to reach out and take your hand.

His skin makes contact with yours and you flinch away, finally giving in and removing your hands from your face.

“What do you want?” You snap unintentionally, cringing inwardly at what you had just done.

“I-I just wanted to say hi-- are you alright?-” Harry asks furrowing his eyebrows, was that firewhiskey he smelled on your breath?

“I’m fine, could you please leave me alone?” Your voice is softly this time, but still with a cold edge.

Harry’s eyes blink in confusion, as he glances around and open and closes his mouth like a fish out of water. This was not the reunion he was expecting, heck this didn’t seem like you at all. Regardless, he nods and slowly walks away, looking back every now and again to see you holding your head in your hands and eventually standing and leaving in a huff, were those tears he saw streaming down your eyes?

“Did you find her mate?” Ron asks as Harry takes a seat.

“Yeah-yeah. Listen, something's wrong.” Harry states, explaining the confrontation he had with you. Slowly the two other gryffindors expressions fade to concern as well.

“And you’re sure it was firewhiskey?” Hermione questions, pursing her lips.

“I’m afraid so, I-I don’t know what to do.” Harry sighs defeated.

“Give her some time, perhaps she just had a bad day?” Ron suggests.

“Sounds more like a horrible summer.” Hermione sighs, worried for her friend.

“I’m gonna go look for her, I don’t want her alone at a time like now.” Harry nods, not waiting for his friend’s reactions before running off to find you.

“Stupid, stupid, stupid!” You curse yourself, unsure where you were running too. You simply follow your feets as you angrily wipe tears from your eyes and cry in the empty hallways. As you run the image of Harry’s shocked face plays over and over again in your head, taunting you, trying to prove to you what kind of person you had become. Your feet lead you down another corridor and before you know it you’re climbing up a flight of stairs and fighting for breath while digging your fingers into your hands to keep yourself from sobbing to loudly. You had let him down. You had let everyone you love down, you let your mother down, you let yourself down. Maybe if you had spent more time at home your mother would have found a reason to stay, if you just didn’t go to the magic school and stayed with her she’d be alive and there to guide you. You miss her so much everyday. You collapse onto the cool ground of what must have been the astronomy tower you glance down at your hands and realize you’ve been squeezing too tight and hot blood is beginning to flow down your palm. You gag as the sight brings you back to the beginning of the summer. The start of your hell. Instinctively you pull a cigarette from your pocket and bring it to your lips, lighting it and before you know what you’re doing, walking to the edge of the tower.

There wasn’t anything left for you here. Your mother was gone, you had successfully avoided your friends and the person you loved had seen you for who you truly were. You were ready, and you couldn’t think of any place you’d rather go then your favourite place at Hogwarts.

The place you’d spent so many nights gazing at the stars. The place you’d realized you had fallen in love, looking into the green eyes of Harry Potter while watching the planets shine above you and the stars twinkle.

Harry, the person you were so excited to tell your mother about. The boy who made you smile and laugh every day you were with him. You would miss him. Miss his smile, his tousled hair you loved to play with, miss his voice.

As you take one final drag from your cigarette, your feet just over the edge, you look up towards the sky. You see the moon shining, the trees swaying in the distance, nature in all it’s peace, calling to you.

A feeling like your mother’s arms wraps around you, and for a moment you can see her, feel her. “I’m coming mom, we’ll be together soon.”

Taking a step forward you look down at the ground, almost smiling softly before looking back up at the sky, where you’d join your mom and--

“Y/n!” A pair of real arms wrap around you and pull you away from the edge. Squeezing you against their chest and sobbing into your hair.

Why were they crying? Why weren’t you with your mother yet…?

“Y/n what are you doing?”

Harry. You realize, and as he raises his head and you come eye to eye, you see his eyes clouding with hot tears behind his glasses. You lift your hand and wipe them.

“Why are you crying?” You ask, dropping your hand again and realizing you had accidentally smeared blood on his face.

“I-I could have lost you! What were you doing so close to the edge?” Harry asks, pleading for answers as he holds you close against him.

“Isn’t it obvious?” You smile as though he had just asked the silliest thing.

“There’s nothing left here for me. My mother’s gone, she killed herself when I got home for summer. My dad left us when I was just a baby. I’ve managed to get Ron and Hermione to stop worrying and you’ll never like me back.” You sigh, looking down at your hands and reaching into your pocket again.

“What? Y/n, I-I’m so sorry.” Harry murmurs, placing his forehead against yours as you raise a cigarette to your lips.

“S’ alright.”

Harry’s eyes widen and he slaps the cigarette from your lips.

“You’re drinking and smoking?” He shouts.

“I’ve got painkillers and sleep medication too, anything that’ll get my mind off things.” You shrug, struggling in Harry’s arms as you try and escape.

“Y/n, these things are going to kill you!”

“Good! Maybe I want to die Harry! Maybe I can’t take being alone anymore, and maybe I know these things will kill me so I use them. I want to see her again Harry! I want to not be alone, I want to erase everything I saw, I want to be me again.” You cry, lifting your hands to your face and using your bloody hands to wipe your tears away.

“But I can’t! I still go back to smoking, drinking, using pills to take the pain away and I still. Can’t. Forget!” You continue, bawling into Harry’s shoulder as he holds you.

“I don’t want to do this anymore. I can’t do this anymore.” You shriek, trying again to escape Harry’s grip, but he refuses to let go.

“Darling look at me.”

You don’t stop.

“Please Y/n, just look at me.” Hary pleads again.

When you don’t stop this time, he finally gives in and leans towards you. Ignoring the blood, tears and taste of smoke, to  press his lips to yours.

You freeze and Harry keeps himself there. Waiting for your breathing to even out and your heartbeat to stop racing.

Your eyes close and you pause as Harry finally pulls away and takes your face into his hands.

“Y/n, you mother wouldn’t have wanted her daughter to go like this. She would’ve wanted you to be happy and live the life she never had. Darling, from the way you’d always talk about her I know she loves you very much, she doesn’t want you to die.” Harry murmurs pressing a kiss to your eyes and nose.

“Ron and Hermione were worried about you y/n, they just respect your privacy and didn’t want to intrude.” He continues drying you tears with his thumb and peppering kisses down your cheeks.

“They love and care for you so much love. They don’t want you to die.”

Harry pauses for a moment and lifts your lips to his, this time deepening the kiss and moving your lips in sync with his.

“And I… I’m in love with you y/n. I wish I’d had the guts to tell you sooner but I was always too nervous.”

“But look at me now Harry. I’m a mess. I-I’m not the same person.” You murmur, trying to avoid his intense gaze.

“Y/n nothing could ever change the fact I love you. You lost your mother, you can’t expect yourself to just be alright.” Harry sighs.

“I still get nightmares about my parents, I see them collapse and have the life drained from them in mere moments.”

“Y/n after everything, you’re my light. You’re what keeps me motivated everyday to keep going. And I’m not going to let my light die if I could have stopped it.”

You pause and choke back a sob as you glance up into Harry’s eyes and once again melt into the soft green.

“I’m here for you darling, always and forever, whenever you need me, whatever you need, we’ll support each other.” Harry smiles.

This time you engage the kiss, grateful as you relish in the pure moment of happiness.

“Thank you Harry.” You smile weakly.

“Now why don’t you tell me about your mom?” Harry suggests, sitting you down and pulling his wand out of his pocket.

As you ramble on about childhood stories, funny jokes and happy memories Harry smiles and listens, healing your hands and holding them in his.

You spend the rest of the evening laying against his shoulder and gazing up at the stars. Harry places kisses against your head, cheeks and nose every now and again, and even though you knew there was still a long road to walk before you could truly say you felt change, you smiled a little and realized.

Nature wasn’t calling you join it, it was reminding you of the beauty you would be missing. The stars weren’t inviting you up, they were shining to show all the wonders you loved.

And your mother wasn’t embracing you from afar to push you forwards, she was edging you back. Back into Harry’s arms.

[thesmokingguns]

Phone Tag

Word count: 3512

Requested: “My idea was that the reader thought Kelly was cheating on her on tour, and when he comes home, he finds her really upset and comforts her and assures her that he only loves her”

Requested by @littlemisscare-all

A/N: I just want to thank @littlemisscare-all for the request and letting me message her about questions I had. Kelly Nickels is a new character I’m writing and she was patient with my questions and so helpful. This is a little longer than my usual one shots so I hope you like it. I have three requests I need to write on top of my regular stuff I want to put out so feel free to make a request but I’m going to say the time might be up to a week now. I also have a tag list you can be added to by just messaging me or filling out the form. Please let me know what you think ❤️

Tag List: @thenobodies-inc , @littlemisscare-all , @agroupiewhore, @ayablackwood

Ring, Ring, Ring

The constant sound of the phone trying to connect with room 828 was filling my head. The high pitched sound bouncing around your mind as you wished he’d  pick up. After another minute of the phone going unanswered you hung up, wiping my sweat filled palms on the denim dress hastily.

You could see your fingers trembling, the anxiety of the situation coming out in physical ailment as your trembling hands started to get numb. You shook out your hands, flexing them, cracking them, pushing them together, anything to just calm yourself down enough to feel them again. Your heart was beating so fast that it felt like it had turned on its engine and got lodged in your throat when it pressed the gas. You couldn’t swallow down the pounding so you tried instead to take a gulp of air. Breathing in through your nose and out of your mouth. In through your nose and out through your mouth. Even though you felt like you were not getting enough air when you breathed through your nose you continued anyway trying to calm your body that seemed to be fighting you.  You were trying anything to try and stop the full fledged anxiety attack from coming on.

You stepped back into the store, trying not to make eye contact with your friend and coworker as you started to fold the sweaters  on the front side table. Your hands needed to stay busy as you tried to avert your eyes from anyone, tears pooling in them. You couldn’t think about the situation or you’d start crying. But fuck, it had been almost a week since You had heard from your boyfriend. Your hand went to my pocket, pulling out the ripped out notebook paper Kelly had given you with the name, date, room number and phone number for each hotel. He was supposed to be in Phoenix in room 828 at the Hilton Hotel. Which you had already called seven times throughout the day without any response.

“Y/N, are you okay?” Your coworker touched your shoulder and you let out a sob, hands flying to your face. The feeling of someone touching you after the last month of being alone was too much. You broke feeling the loneliness blanketing over you, covering you. Your coworker was leading you to the breakroom, thankful no one was in the shop to see you have a complete mental breakdown.

He had promised you that you would talk every day; he had seen the nervous look in your eyes when the guys talked about the tour. All the girls that would be throwing themselves at the band. They were all about the three fundamentals: sex, drugs and rock n roll. How were you going to compete with something you weren't there to see?

“Jesus Fucking Christ, where the fuck is that paper?” Kelly was tearing apart the tour bus looking for a yellow piece of legal paper that you had written down all the numbers to call you on. He had lost it a week ago after he had drunkenly started a shot game with Phil that night and that had proved to be a horrible mistake.

When he had woken up, on the kitchen floor of the tour bus, a hangover so bad he wanted to fling himself into the highway all he could think about was calling the person that he loved and telling her about his night. The sound of her voice coaxing the hangover out of him and filling him up with the love she had for him. He had pushed himself off the floor, grabbing his cigarettes from his jacket and digging in the inside pocket for the list of numbers, but the paper was gone.

It had been six days since he had lost the numbers and as much as he tried to remember a phone number he couldn’t even think of one. He had expected a phone call to explain everything but the problem was that phone call had never come. This was just another layer of frustration that Kelly couldn't figure out. For the first few weeks of the tour he had gotten the calls at the hotel but a night before he lost the number the call hadn’t come in.

So now, being the very logical, even headed, and not complete maniac that he was, Kelly was tearing apart every single part of the tour bus. Ripping open trash bags, pulling apart beds, and crawling under the table that had a weird sticky substance underneath. As he pushed half drank beer cans aside he saw the flap of yellow sticking out. His heart leapt to his throat as he snatched up the paper, flipping it over and groaning audibly. The paper had gotten saturated. One number was partially visible with only a couple numbers melting together.

Walking off the tour bus he headed over to the payphone, setting a handful of change on the metal bottom as he started to dial different combinations of the number hoping that he could finally reach his girlfriend. Hoping that her lack of calls to him didn’t mean they had broken up or what if she had met someone else? She did have that fucking girlfriend who didn’t like him. What if she had gone out to The Roxy and met someone else?

He gripped the paper so hard in his hand as the phone rang and he thought of you with someone else. He needed to talk to you,

You were walking home, unable to work as your mind went a million miles a minute. Your heart thumping so loudly that your own thoughts were muted and just scenarios were popping in your head. Images of Kelly with his arm around another girl, disheveled hotel rooms with discarded clothes, his lips worshiping someone else's body. You stopped on the sidewalk closing your eyes, fists tightening as you told yourself not to scratch your arms. It was all in your head. This was all in your head and not real.

Another shaky step towards your apartment. Your eyes were on the payphone at the end of the block and you figured you could try one more time to call the hotel. Maybe when you heard his voice it would put out the fire of your mind. He could calm your anxiety, easing you from the panic attacks it caused and draw you in with the safety of his voice. He must have known how crazy you were going and when he finally talked to you he would have a logical explanation for why he had disappeared.

As you convinced yourself that he was going to answer this time, you could feel the burning bile in your gut start to be put out as the rational part of your mind tried to make a little room for you to have hope. The way your hands trembled as you took out a dime, sliding it into the slot and dialing the number, let you know that the temporary band aid your rational side had put on your anxiety wasn’t going to stick for very long. If Kelly didn’t answer it was going to be ripped off and you’d be left with the exposed wound that you would need to deal with..

Ring...Ring...Ri-

“Hello?” your heart caught in your throat, and you could feel your eyes widening as you heard a voice answer the phone on the other end, “Hello, is anyone there?” The very female voice that was answering the phone was not your boyfriend.

“Kelly?” his name left your lips, almost a whimper. All of the worst situations that you imagined could be happening in your head seemed to come to life now. It wasn’t just in your head, a woman was answering his hotel phone.

“Ohhhh, they’re in the shower. If you call back in an hour-” you hung up the phone. It took you four tries before you could get the receiver on the cradle because the shaking in your hand was running through your entire body now. You tried to crack your fingers, a weak attempt to get some control of the motions of your body.

In the shower. If he was taking a shower at 4pm what was he washing off of himself? Who was the girl who had answered the phone? Had he not answered because he had been so busy with her all day? You dry heaved in front of the payphone, sucking in air when nothing came out. You wanted to go home and hide, burying yourself under blankets until the weight of the sadness lifted. Not that you were sure it was ever going to lift because you had just caught him cheating on you.

It was a miracle that you made it to the apartment. You dropped your keys twice, your hands not working how they were supposed to. Your grip on them slipping and letting them fall through your fingers. Had you let Kelly fall through your fingers?

You hissed out a curse, shouldering into your apartment and locking the door behind you. You were off of work tomorrow so you could stay holed up inside the apartment for at least twenty four hours before anyone would think to call. That gave you time to wallow in your emotions and feel everything you needed to feel.

Looking around at the space it dawned on you that you would need to leave. Separate your things and get out of the city before he comes back to it. Which didn’t give you enough time at all because he would be back in two days for the LA show at the Whisky a Go Go, Where were you going to live? Maybe you could find a roommate or you could always stay with your best friend. She would let you in. There was so much to do and so much to figure out but you needed to lay down and figure it out from the comfort of the bed.

On the way to the bed you tripped over the phone you had kept beside it for the past few days hoping for Kelly to finally call you. You looked at the phone hanging off the hook, knowing if anyone called you they would just get the busy signal but you didn’t hang it back up. Kelly was too busy in some hotel room with a strange girl and he hadn’t bothered to call you in a week anyway. You needed to just get in bed and mourn your relationship. You’d move out tomorrow and start a new life without him.

Kelly hung up the phone, looking at his apartment phone number that the girl at the shop had just given to him. He had missed you by twenty minutes and from what he had just heard you were in bad shape.He sucked in his bottom lip as he dialed the home number. He would explain everything to you as soon as he had you on the phone. He could already picture you asking him if he had at least won the drinking game.

“What the fuck?” He looked at the phone when he got the busy signal. It had to be the right number. He had repeated the number twice to make sure that he got the correct number and now he was getting a busy signal. He dialed again, getting the same alert sound. Then again. And again. He stopped after constantly calling for ten minutes to take a breath. He was going to need to have a beer and try again.

He tried calling twenty minutes later, an hour, three hours, and before he went on stage for the show. His mind was thinking of how you could be on the phone for that long. He frowned as he grabbed his bass going over to the band's manager. He needed to get home sooner than the tour bus would take him.

You got out of the shower, wrapping your sweater around you over your nightgown. Your eyes skimmed the apartment where you had spent the last four hours cleaning like a maniac and separating everything. Your records were in a milkcrate by the door, along with a trash bag of all your clothes. Things like pots and pans didn’t seem worth fighting over. You would leave those for him. Even though you weren’t even sure if Kelly knew how to fry an egg.

Twirling a piece of hair around your finger you tried to calm the uneasy feeling filling you. He had been the one who hadn't answered your calls or called you. He was the one who had a girl answer the phone in his room. He wanted you to leave but he didn’t want to see the hurt he caused by telling you it was over. Your friends had all warned you about dating a rockstar so it wasn’t like you could expect much sympathy from them. But you had been with Kelly for over a year and hadn’t seen it coming. It felt like you were blindsided. To love someone so much had really just opened you up to the pain you were feeling now.

Moving to the bedroom you looked around the room, the pit of your stomach turning in sadness as you thought about this being the final time you sleep in this bed. The tears boiling up and tumbling down your face as you sat on his side, touching the pillow that he slept on. You could smell his aftershave and scent on his pillow just making you cry even harder. The feeling in the pit of your stomach growing as you missed someone who was gone.

Over your tears you didn’t hear the sound of the front door opening. You were wrapped around a pillow mind racing in a thick fog of all the reasons you weren’t good enough. Why couldn't he love you? Could anyone love you?

“Y/N, baby, what’s wrong?” Arms were wrapped around you. You were being pulled onto a lap, hair pushed away from your tear stained face.

“K-Kelly?” It comes out weekly, almost afraid you’re hallucinating arms wrapped around you, fingers touching your tears, pushing the puddles that gathered on your skin with an expert flick of a thumb.

“Yeah, baby, I’m here. What happened? Why are you so upset? Who do I need to fight?” He was trying to defuse the situation with humor to drag you out of your hysterics. But he was the one that had gotten you to this place.

Sitting up you pushed yourself off his lap, a frown forming on his face from this action. You could feel the way your hands were starting to go numb as you wiped your tears, knowing there was going to be a confrontation with him.

“I called you for a week, Kelly. I called all the numbers multiple times a day and you didn’t answer. You didn’t call me back.” The way he frowned at this didn’t go unnoticed by you. You took it as a sign of his guilt. He had been ignoring you on purpose. “And I called this afternoon and a girl answered from your hotel room.” He stood up suddenly shaking his head.

“No, no, no.” You rolled your eyes at his weak attempt to lie about the fact you had spoken to a girl that was in his room, “Oh fuck, we didn’t even check into the hotel today. I was on the tour bus looking for the list of numbers you had written down for me.” He was digging into his leather jacket pocket looking for the yellow paper. You were trying to process what he was saying.

“But they said you were in the shower when I asked for you.” You said with a frown, trying to process what he was saying. It would be easy to believe him, tryst him blindly and forget all the drama but there were so many things that just weren’t adding up. He produced the yellow list holding it up with the missing pieces and wet pen running into a blurred mix of ink.

“Call the hotel now. I’m obviously here with you. Maybe they heard you wrong?” He knew you needed real proof. He looked at the phone on the floor that was off the receiver, “I tried to call you today. I guess this explains the busy signal.” He moved to hang it back up.

“I called you and you didn’t answer all week and you didn’t even call me once.” You pointed out. “You’re on tour with all your horny band members and I’ve been out with you all before.” You didn’t want to ask him because you knew that he would answer you honestly. He couldn’t lie to you, even on little things he was always 100% honest. Which you had found out one night when you tried on a new dress and asked how you looked and he had told you the dress looked like a rejected extra from a Cyndi Lauper music video.

“I lost the phone numbers when I was drinking with Phil one night. It took me a week to find them on the bus.” He confessed. That story seemed pretty on par for who they were, “And are you asking if I was stupid enough to cheat on you?” At the words you went white, gripping the sheets. Kelly took in your reaction and knew that’s exactly what you were thinking had happened. “Listen, Y/N.” He moved over to the bed gripping your face in his hands, stroking your cheeks with his thumbs and giving him a soft smile, “I love you. Just you. And I wouldn’t do anything to ever lose your love. I spent a week trying to find a paper just so I could hear your voice. I was waiting for you to call all week, baby. Why didn’t you call me?” The soft way he spoke was melting the ice in your veins, calming you with the right touches and bringing you to the current situation happening in real life and not just in your head.

“I called you so much. I called all the hotels that you told me to call. But you never answered me.” You pointed to a crumpled up ball on the nightstand. Watching him grab it and smooth out the page of numbers.

“Oh shit.” He rubbed his chin and looked up at you with an almost embarrassed look. You knew exactly what that look was. He had made a mistake, “So, um, these hotels are out of order. I must have copied them backwards because this one.” He pointed at the last hotel you had called today. “Should have been here.” He pointed a few up and you sighed in relief. The tears still came flowing out but this time in relief, “I’m an idiot. I’m sorry, baby.” He reached out, folding you to him. Your body was relaxed, allowing him to calm you with his back rubs and head kisses. Comforting you by holding you in his arms and reminding you that he loved you with his touch.

“I’m sewing my name and our telephone number into all your clothes tomorrow.” You muttered after a little while. He chuckled, kissing the top of your head.

“Next time, just come on tour with us. That way we never have to worry about playing phone tag.” You nodded your head listening to his heart beat. “We’re going to have to spend tomorrow morning unpacking your stuff. But I do respect your commitment to cut ties so thoroughly that you organized the records.” He got the laugh out of you that he was looking for. You sat up, shrugging your shoulders.

“I was just looking for an excuse to steal your Bowie records.” You teased him. He scoffed, pulling you to lay down beside him.

“I flew back here to be with you, Y/N. The least you could do is not threaten to steal my records.” Kelly pulled you close to him. “Do you feel better now that I’m back?” The concern in his voice warmed you to the core. You nodded your head at him. “Now you know you’re stuck with me and how wrapped around your finger I am.” You sighed out softly, eyes heavy as you felt like you could finally get some sleep after having a week of anxiety dreams and panic attacks preventing you from getting more than a tossing turning sleep for the week.

“Maybe next time send me a postcard to let me know you love me.” You said through a sleepy haze.

“Maybe I’ll train carrier ducks to send messages. Or learn how to do smoke signals.” A smile slipped out as you cuddled closer letting him lull you to sleep with his soft touches and soft mutters. He loved you, you could feel it. And that was all you needed

[gothamcitycentral]

Please tell me about you ideas for Poison Ivy episodes in as much detail as physically possible. I want to hear about the traumatised teenager.

I’d be delighted to.

Her debut goes through virtually the same motions as her 2004 counterpart. Her and Barbara mess with some polluting corporations, she gets mutated, starts causing trouble as Poison Ivy, gets busted by Batman and his new self described sidekick, Batgirl, and is shipped off to Arkham. She’s surprisingly calm about everything, mainly because she’s still in awe of how her powers could help the environment.

Then she gets a late night visit from Barbara. Eventually Barb asks if she’s going to hurt people. Pam says she’d only ever hurt someone she had to.

Barbara asks if she’d hurt her.

Pam could hardly take the question seriously.

Barbara lets put a choked, “Yeah”, wipes her eyes, and leaves Arkham.

That was the last visit Pam had. From anybody.

In her next appearance, Ivy’s isolation was getting to her. Her only interaction in the Asylum being which guard was delivering meals. They were never all that charming. The only break from routine being random nonsense from another Arkham patient. The separation from either plant life, the sun, or both seeming at have drained from her physical health. Not that there was anyone to notice. She keeps on replaying her conversation with Barbara over and over again in her head, trying to figure what she said wrong.

Then there’s a mass breakout seemingly caused by the Joker. Then some crocodile man is making sure she gets out.

In some weird, probably unhealthy, attempt to feel better, she’s starts tearing up another corrupt corporation. Which would be fine if it didn’t mean a lot of innocent workers and civilians being hurt. But with so many villains just having escaped, Bruce misses the info on Poison Ivy.

However, Batgirl doesn’t, and since her and Bruce are having communication issues at the moment, she handles it herself.

One fight scene later and Batgirl is held by Ivy’s vines, she realizes there’s only one way she isn’t dead.

She takes of her cowl.

Pam can’t even respond beyond a confused, “Barbara…” before she drops her. Then, she starts realize what she almost did.

She was trying to kill her best friend.

Neither of them can stumble out a reply before they realize Batman had showed up on the scene. Pam gives a last look to Barbara before escaping.

Barbara doesn’t try to stop her.

Her next episode starts with Killer Croc, just, casually picking out items from a small grocery/convenience store. Then he just leaves with them, stopping supervillains isn’t in the single cashier’s job description. He then takes them to a seemingly abandoned green house, where Poison Ivy is staying. The only sign of her habitation being a plant based hammock and a charcoal grill Croc dragged in.

Waylon is trying to be some what comforting, but he can’t do much with Pam refusing to talk to him, so they kinda just sit in silence. Which is easily better than her being alone.

Eventually Pam does start talking, leading to her having a breakdown, cursing her powers that she would have once dreamed of having. Her mutation made her parents abandon her, land her in Arkham, and made her almost kill her best friend. She says she wishes this never happened, that didn’t have wear leaves for clothes. She starts tearing them off, but they just keep regrowing.

Killer Croc stops her by throwing a green hoodie in her face and saying, “Then don’t.”

Pam pulls away the jacket, it has “Legalize It” in bold letters.

It’s oddly calming to wear.

Then she shows up in the Red hood arc. Since Waylon started keeping on eye on Jason he’d been visiting the green house with him. She and Jason get along surprisingly well, and it’s satisfying to have someone to just rant about their anger to someone other than Croc. They’re by all means grateful for his comfort, but sometimes they just want to be mad with someone.

Her next main focus in S3E8, where Batgirl finds Poison Ivy trying to mess with another corporation. She tries to take her in but Pam explains that she isn’t trying to hurt anyone, only stop a toxic dump directly into the rivers outside Gotham. She asks for Barbara’s help, “For old time’s sake.”

She can’t bring herself to refuse.

It’s awkward, admittedly, at first. But by the end of it, Pam asks if Barbara hates her.

She says of course she doesn’t.

Pam asks if they’re still friends.

Barbara says she doesn’t know, but she holds Pam’s hand and says, “But I want to try to be.”

Of course that isn’t her last appearance, but from then on she isn’t the main focus, and she acts as an ally of the Bats.