#but isolation is such a basic part of fear in general | Explore Tumblr posts and blogs

fitzjamesbulletwound · 6 months ago

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welcome to my jirv character study and thank you in advance for reading/commenting/liking/anything, if you interact with this at all i love you <3

i don’t want to spend too much time on an intro but what i will say is that overall, what i found so fascinating and tragic about jirv as a character is that throughout the story he and his actions are defined by what he denies about himself and how he subsequently closes himself off from others, and the tragedy of this being that once they abandon the ships he, like many of the other characters, begins to allow parts of himself to come to the surface that we haven’t seen before, and of course the saddest part of this is that for jirv it begins to happen only days, hours, minutes before his death. oh one note- i refer to him as “john” and “jirv” throughout most of this so hopefully that’s not confusing lol.

episode 1/first impressions- the first time we see jirv is in the chinese sniper story dinner scene and both in this first scene and the early episodes in general there’s a lot to be seen regarding his relationship with crozier in particular and of course just his general pattern of behavior and what it implies about his state of mind. at the dinner scene he appears prim, maybe a little uptight, a bit of that upper class-ness that i think is evident in a lot of the officers in the early eps. it’s also really interesting seeing how he reacts to crozier in this first scene- i do think that jirv’s relationship with crozier is similar to ned’s in the sense that he very much wants to please crozier but he is also somewhat derisive in his reactions to crozier’s more explosive moments. when he interrupts fitzjames at dinner jirv looks down in embarrassment and is clearly uncomfortable with crozier’s behavior.

this spills over into the ice talk scene where jirv again reacts in embarrassment to crozier borderline insulting franklin (“you nearly starved, not all of your men survived”)- he was listening to crozier with rapt attention but when he says this he instantly hangs his head in shame and you can see him fidgeting in the background.

and jirv’s overall depiction in this scene is so interesting to me because there’s a certain almost childlike innocence that characterizes him in his ep 1 scenes (i also have to add that there are quite a few songs on the davechella playlist that seem to explore and make reference to jirv’s childhood which i think is significant but anyway)- we make a lot of jokes about him basically not being allowed to sit at the grown up table but i wonder if the purpose of this was more to symbolize his isolation from the other men, including his fellow officers, due to his own issues of denial and repression; that is to say- denying parts of yourself also denies you the joy or even the routine comfort of human connection, of belonging. but another part of this characterization in the first ep is that it’s in such contrast to how we see jirv in his later and arguably most memorable scenes; in ep 1 i don’t have any other words for it- he’s cute! he looks innocent! and i think they meant for him to come across that way! but later on what we largely see is his anger and although i will make the argument that jirv uses anger to mask other more complicated (to him) emotions, it’s such a difference from what we see in the first ep. it’s almost a case too of meekness vs. righteousness in a religious sense as well- the two sides that we see of jirv at different moments in the story.

on to episode 2 and THE orlop scene. one of the first thing i noticed with this scene is how jirv’s greatcoat fits him- it makes him look almost like a priest and i just love how the costuming is used in the show to convey personality and mannerisms ahhhh.

this scene was also such a great study in jirv/ronan’s microexpressions and what they reveal about him- from this moment on, we can see that jirv spends a lot of time hiding fear with anger, and in this particular case using it to hide the paralyzing shock of knowledge- jirv knew exactly what he was hearing immediately and it froze him in place. what really surprised him here i think is that it was someone he knew- when billy comes out and jirv asks “what are you doing down here?” it is a rationalization- he KNOWS billy isn’t meant to be down there and he knows exactly what it is he was doing.

and jirv remains frozen in place to the point where he’s not even doing his nervous fingers compulsion that i noticed he does a lot in stressful circumstances (essentially rubbing his fingers together) and the look of absolute fear that comes across his face when he sees it’s hickey with billy- i’m skipping ahead (kinda) here but this makes me think of their (chronological) first scene, where you can tell that there is something that jirv recognizes in hickey- not just that something is off with him, but i do think that on their first meeting hickey really elicited some feelings in jirv that he wasn’t willing to confront and that that feeling lingered for the rest of the expedition. but back to the scene at hand- jirv can’t look at hickey and can’t take another step forward and can’t even address him directly in that moment and the only time he looks at him is when hickey’s back is turned. i think for jirv this whole scenario just really drove home something that was already in him, something he doesn’t allow himself to think of but that he is forced to contend with in this moment.

overall the scene of him catching billy and hickey shows the reaction of a man who knew immediately what he was walking into because it lives in his heart and in his body no matter how much he denies it, and he masks the fear of his own reaction with anger because the feelings that come up are ones he can’t acknowledge to himself; he can’t meet hickey’s eyes because to meet them would be to meet his own nature and confront everything that comes with that. and later once jirv has left when hickey says that he is a “man afraid of chaos” and refers to there being “worse things than being lashed”, he could be referring to jirv’s denial in both cases (i don’t think it’s too much of a stretch to say that hickey likely clocked jirv early on)

this is a very jirv/hickey heavy episode but the next significant jirv moment we get is the scene where hickey is drinking with crozier and jirv comes in to tell him about the lead parties returning- he certainly displays nervous body language when addressing crozier- slightly higher pitched voice, his nervous fingers thing he does- but i think what clearly has him the most freaked out here is hickey’s presence. i really thought about this because even in the context of what jirv just saw, he has no reason to fear hickey in the slightest; it was jirv that caught hickey, not the other way around, although to jirv i’m sure it may still feel that way. hickey poses no actual threat to him beyond the effect he has on him and hickey knows it; that’s why he smirks at jirv’s reaction. the only way this really makes sense to me is if jirv’s fear is due to his own internalized shit because truly what does he have to fear from hickey? what could hickey possibly threaten him with? if anything, hickey should be afraid of jirv telling crozier what he saw but he knows he won’t tell and he knows why i think. what could he do to john besides make him understand himself in ways he’s terrified of? and of course i mean that in the sense of what we know about hickey up to this point in the story and not yet knowing what he is capable of in later episodes. but this is all to say that jirv’s fear here is 100% due to his feelings about hickey and nothing else.

this scene is also another great example of him using anger to cover his apprehension- he forces himself to meet hickey’s eyes once crozier has walked away and the best way i can describe what happens is that there is a tension in that look. it’s one thing to be religious and angry and judgmental about sodomy on the ships but it’s another thing to be terrified of the mere presence of one single gay person, to say nothing of how hard it was for him to even look at him!

and on to episode 3! what i realized when watching this episode through the jirv lens is that in almost every scene we see him in leading up to his confrontation with hickey, it’s fairly evident that he is thinking of that very moment and how to go about it (i think what sent him over the edge was billy coming to him and everything that he told him) and that’s how i want to canonically prove that jirv was thinking of gay sex during the before breakfast crozier/lieutenants meeting scene when he’s just zoning out lol.

another thing i noticed about this scene is that it’s the first of a few where jirv is present when potential interactions with the netsilik people are being discussed. edward’s colonialist attitudes and assumptions about them that he expresses in this scene are foreshadowing for the reaction to the false story that hickey tells about jirv’s death, that ned and hodge both buy into in their grief for jirv but also in their racist views. that whole scene is actually foreshadowing for all 3 of them when jirv dies.

the next time we see jirv is when hickey sees billy go into his cabin. and the way he looks to hickey nervously not once but twice- this is i believe his nervousness and contemplation coming forward as he is still contemplating speaking to hickey, or at he very least thinking about what he walked in on.

and finally we do get the jirv/hickey confrontation scene- when jirv is walking down the little ramp to find hickey you can hear him take a big deep breath, definitely indicative of his nerves in going to speak to hickey. and again we see that he can’t make direct eye contact with hickey when hickey says he was hoping they’d meet. i also love the addition of the AB in the background saying “mind the grease sir” right after this- really speaks to the way john thinks of hickey in this moment- and of himself as well.

something i really thought about in this scene is jirv’s use of the term “devious seducer” and the more i thought about it the more it made me think… those words sound way less like something that billy would say vs sounding exactly like something that jirv would say, especially since his use of the term, regardless of who really said it, absolutely refers to how hickey makes him feel as much as it refers to what billy allegedly said about him.

jirv really is a deer in headlights when he finally brings himself to look at hickey and address him directly; even the way he says “please” is so pitiful and you can tell hickey is surprised that the conversation went beyond hickey thanking him for his help. the script notes that john is “usually a shy man” and that he “isn’t used to this kind of candor” but that this “may be the most courageous thing he’s ever done”- i think all of these are interesting in the context of what is being discussed as well given what we know about jirv’s sexuality and how he handles it- this wasn’t just difficult for him because he’s withdrawn, it was difficult for him because of the subject at hand specifically.

another phrasing of note here is when he tells hickey “though it benefitted you as a sin in itself i’m sure” because here jirv is basically accusing hickey not only of the “sin” of sodomy, but the sin of enjoying it. i can only imagine that when he has sexual thoughts or urges towards men jirv convinces himself that if he doesn’t like it, doesn’t indulge in it, doesn’t entertain it, then somehow it doesn’t “count”.

he takes a huge shaky breath before he says “how you pressed him into service” because this is the closest he’s come to picturing that and perhaps even imagining it for himself- he can barely get the words out. and when a few moments later he starts in with the whole “turn your wolf’s ear to me” speech, we can really see some actual anger coming out- i do think he is angry with hickey but more so i think he is angry with himself, made even more significant considering what i believe he was just thinking about. he is projecting like crazy in this entire scene; much like the future lashing, this whole chastisement is as much meant for jirv to himself as it is to hickey.

and in regards to the “watercolours” advice- to me, there has never been a doubt in my mind that he is speaking from experience here, that these are all methods he’s employed to avoid the temptations of his own mind; the way this part is shot is almost humorous, and not just because we can see hickey start to try not to laugh. it just feels like such a wink nudge to the audience as if to say “yeah clearly jirv has tried all of these because he’s had many instances of having these thoughts himself”. his breathing gets shallow again as he discusses it and he starts to lose that anger and become anxious and unable to meet hickey’s eyes again.

however, all that anger comes back when he says “your crisis is an opportunity for you to repair yourself”, which i think is such an excellent line because as the viewer, we KNOW that hickey is in no way having a crisis about his sexuality; he is not ashamed of himself at all and even the threat of punishment isn’t enough for him to consider not being who he is and doing what he wants. we do know though (partially through the power of jirvchella) that john IS and has been having a crisis about his sexuality and that again these words, this anger is more for himself than it is for hickey. and finally with this scene- i love the zoom out that shows how close they are as they speak, how there’s no one else around. despite his purpose jirv ends up sharing this intimate moment with hickey that is caged in suggestion and implication and really shows us how jirv feels about himself and what he keeps secret.

finally, this isn’t a jirv scene persay but i do find it interesting the way hickey and billy discuss him later, especially when billy refers to jirv “forgetting the whole thing as he assuredly wants to”- i think it makes sense that both billy and hickey would have at least suspicions about why jirv reacted to the whole situation the way he did and honestly who would know better than the two of them? not to mention all the times that hickey mentions watching jirv but that’s a whole other post in itself.

to episode 4! his first scene in this ep is when they’re discussing tuunbaq after finding strong and evans’s bodies and this is another instance of foreshadowing to jirv eventually meeting the netsilik family, not just because of what they’re discussing but because he’s the most calm and rational in the room regarding the potential involvement of the netsilik

there’s a lot going on when he says “perhaps it wouldn’t be a mystery to the indigenous people here”- he seems very nervous to speak (doing his little nervous hands thing he does) and his use of the term “indigenous” is in stark contrast to the slur and the anger that fitzjames displays a moment later. i do think this shows that jirv is capable of a higher empathy towards the netsilik people than some other characters are and to be honest i’m not interested at all in trying to determine “who’s the best native ally in the terror” because the true act of hubris that they are all committing is the colonial violence and destruction inherent in their quest in the first place. BUT i do think it’s worth examining and thinking about who displays the most respect for the native people and why and ultimately how that plays out for them. and i mean it didn’t stop jirv (or goodsir) from dying but i think it says a lot about his beliefs and his nature. due to his extreme religious beliefs i think it would’ve been easy to depict jirv as being dismissive of any cultural or religious beliefs of the netsilik but instead he openly suggests that they simply ask them about tuunbaq. i also think it’s interesting that he accepts the reality put before him that tuubaq is a supernatural force, especially considering his later “god doesn’t grant us ghosts” bullshit. another source of religious conflict for jirv.

i don’t really get why jirv stomps out of the room after crozier goes to his bunk to have his depression flashback but it does look like jirv may be a bit disturbed and frustrated by the implication of bringing silna in for questioning given how aggressive fitzjames was about it and i certainly don’t think that or what hickey did was what jirv intended when he said that they should ask the indigenous people about tuunbaq.

when all hell breaks loose and everyone is clamoring to get above deck in the hallway you can hear crozier say “irving, irving get in there (up there?) and help us” but jirv is frozen in fear; even before crozier yells at him he is shrinking against the wall and i think this comes down to a matter of experience or lack thereof that some of the officers, including jirv, seem to display in moments of peril (ned’s panic when tuunbaq attacks in ep 8, hodge not being able to make a rational decision when he discovers jirv has been killed, etc).

once he’s above deck with crozier though, jirv being scared does actually seem to turn to real anger once he assesses the situation. he repeats crozier’s order for everyone to get on their knees and walks forward with him but while he does appear to be genuinely mad at what has happened, i think it’s worth noting that jirv only seems comfortable with taking action when he’s following someone else’s example. he seems terrified to ever act on his own unless he really hypes himself up to do it (confronting hickey, scene with manson). he has an issue making his own choices based on his own gut feelings or readings of a situation and prefers to let others lead and set the tone which can again be linked back to the denial he carries within himself. he really is a man of inaction.

i also caught him staring at hickey shortly before crozier dismisses everyone and they pass close by one another but by that point jirv has averted his eyes once again

and okay what i want to say about the lashing scene up front is that i don’t think that jirv told crozier about hickey and billy- i think crozier’s use of the term “dirtiness” is 1) crozier being a prick because he’s mad and he wants to humiliate hickey and 2) more in line with a section if the articles that refers to “swearing, drunkenness, scandalous actions” etc and mentions “uncleanness” specifically; there’s a whole separate article that refers to sodomy and if that was part of what hickey was being punished for, i think crozier would’ve just said that. and this is to say that jirv won’t look at hickey when hickey glares at him here for the same reason he always can’t, although in this instance i do think there’s a degree of guilt there too. hickey is about to experience something horrible and jirv feels like it’s something that he himself deserves as well and i believe this is why he forces himself to watch hickey the entire time once the lashing properly starts. he is punishing himself as much as he is forcing himself to witness hickey’s punishment. it’s a private warning and internal lashing that he does to himself.

some details of this scene- there’s that one infamous pan to him, billy, and jop and i know we focus a lot on the jop flinch but jirv flinches pretty hard here too and unlike billy and jop he doesn’t look away even as his expression gets more and more disturbed (he’s displaying a lot of his typical signs of distress- wide eyes, mouth falling open). of every significant reaction we see to hickey’s lashing, jirv is the only one to not look away. the only time he does he is looking in shock at johnson as he delivers some of the heaviest blows toward the end of the lashing but right after he goes back to watching hickey.

and the final jirv scene of the episode is when he goes to see to crozier and like it’s not a super significant jirv scene but i just want to point out that the terror does storytelling with a lot of different small elements and one of them is footsteps- they are often used to convey mood and tone of specific characters and in this instance, jirv approaches the room slowly where usually we can see and hear him walking pretty briskly and i love how that conveys his mood in this moment post lashing.

but moving on to episode 5- he only has one really important scene in this ep besides being mostly in the background of some others and that’s the scene with manson. this scene shows a very different jirv than the one we’ve seen up to this point but i think there are a few reasons why this is the case. he acts flippant and borders on cruelty towards manson and i truthfully don’t want to defend his actions but i think that the reason he behaves this way is because in the story, he has just come off the whole ordeal of confronting hickey but ultimately choosing to spare him and billy and also the kidnapping of silna and the subsequent lashing of hickey; in jirv’s mind this all happened because he wasn’t hard enough on hickey in the beginning. he showed him too much mercy and what came next was a direct result of that. because despite his delivery i think that jirv truly thinks he is helping in both of these scenarios, both with manson and with hickey previously. i’m sure discipline and cruelty are things he privately uses to keep himself in line and besides that it’s classic christian logic- he didn’t do a good enough job at being god’s warrior and because of that bad things happened and people were punished. he’s trying to avoid the same outcome with manson, as misguided as all of his attempts are.

anyway details- i think in the beginning of the scene we are seeing some real anger from him but i do think this anger is largely aimed at himself, much like in the hickey confrontation scene. the apprehension doesn’t come through until he has to take a big deep breath before he says he’s going to order manson down the ladder in the smallest, meekest voice possible, almost like he’s convincing himself that he’ll do it rather than telling manson he will. he really steels himself to do this and i think it’s very telling that the 2 times we see him overcome his fear of candor to directly confront someone he is much more motivated by his faith than he is by his duty as a lieutenant.

jirv very cautiously puts his hand directly on manson’s which i think is sooo interesting considering how significant touching is in the terror, especially bare skin to bare skin but anyway- manson only pulls his hand back when jirv touches him, he doesn’t hit him or shove him at all. jirv is just so high strung and scared in this scene that he has a ridiculously high startle response

and then hickey shows up- jirv is already against the wall at this point and hickey doesn’t even look at him but jirv like.. there is no other way to describe this but he arches his back, tips his head back, his eyes even roll into the back of his head. it’s very… interesting to say the least lol (the word i really want to use is erotic but it could just be the hickeyirving demon in my head whispering to me). jirv’s eyes also widen with fear when he watches hickey talk to manson and i think this is partially because of how intimately they are behaving, something that of course would freak jirv out. he looks one more time before deciding to flee rather than continue to try to exert his authority in this situation and i think this just further solidifies the effect that hickey’s mere presence has on him. man it’s been impossible to write this without mentioning hickey a million times but it’s always relevant lol.

aaand that brings us to episode 6! i really like the opening scene with jirv at the meeting because we get a little glimpse into his role as an officer and also the way he clings to order and routines in order to feel in control (all an illusion of course given what we know about the tins). but i think we can also conclude that john has been privy to just how fucked they all are in regards to their rations for a while as he is the one in charge of keeping track of them.

i’m usually too busy laughing at hodge’s reaction when jirv mentions the christmas pudding they made but i noticed this time around that jirv gives him a pretty irritated look and i think this is because he’s trying to emphasize “hey we have almost none of this left and that’s kind of alarming”. jirv has had to shoulder the burden of keeping track of the tins for the entire expedition and i imagine that put quite a strain on him, especially when they started overwintering.

he starts doing his little nervous fingers when he’s telling fitzjames when they’ll run out of food ugh and when fitzjames kinda tells him off for mentioning the number of men i feel like he doesn’t understand that jirv KNOWS that between the dwindling rations and the lemon juice no longer protecting against scurvy, jirv fully knows that more people are likely to die regardless of whether tuunbaq is around or not

he does look genuinely grateful for the encouraging words from fitzjames a few minutes later though; he almost looks surprised but he still nods and it’s very similar to how he looks at crozier later during his speech at carnival. again i just think jirv is very much a follower and he greatly values reassurance from those in power.

on to carnivale itself- it’s so funny to me how shocked crozier and jop look when they realize who’s singing lol. just knowing what jirv is like normally and then seeing him like that is jarring in a pleasant way even for us as the viewer- and of course i can’t mention this scene without the note from the script: “he’s had too much to drink already, relaxing his defenses”. i don’t want to spend too much time on this because i feel like it’s been talked about enough but the symbolism of jirv, drunk and inhibitions lowered, singing a song about a popular area for gay cruising is very well done. it sounds heavy handed typed out like that but it really isn’t in the scene itself! it’s just nice to see him be a part of the group and be happy and have fun, things he usually cuts himself off from no doubt because of what he’s in denial about.

jirv removing his halo when crozier asks them to remove their masks- there has been so much said about the symbolism of this and one thing i want to add is that it goes hand in hand with his actions of drinking, letting loose, singing that specific song, etc in terms of removing the mask of his faith that he uses to lie to himself and deny himself the truth of who he is. the halo being his mask that he removes (along with the eventual loss of his wings in the fire) is such a great detail ahhh i love it

the third and final scene of encounters with the netsilik being mentioned while jirv is on screen is when we can see jirv listening with rapt attention to crozier as he tells the men that the netsilik are good people who will help them- this is the ultimate foreshadowing to what happens with him in the next episode

the fire- i’m not going to go blow by blow but of course we can see jirv a lot during the fire scene- when stanley is burning he’s shouting for help trying to get blankets brought forward to put out the fire, and he can be seen ushering people out when fitzjames tells everyone to move calmly to the ice. after this, most of the times i can find jirv in the crowd he has shut down and seems frozen in place at various points. towards the end of the fire sequence i lose him entirely until we see him running out without his wings. this is a stretch but i think that little scene of him pulling on his wing ropes may have been him trying to pull them off because the next time we see him he doesn’t have them on.

and going back to the symbolism of him losing his halo and his wings at carnival- not only does he lose them, he loses them in a fiery inferno… crazy.

and here we are at episode 7. i will say that i’m going to do some analysis of eps 8 and 9 as well because i think they’re important to jirv’s characterization and also a theory i have about something that may have happened in the aftermath of his death. buuuut let’s get into episode 7

idk if i’ll remember to put the link in but if not someone pointed out a few weeks ago that jirv can be seen watching the men, specifically the future mutineers, packing up the boats to prepare for the march south. this was so intriguing to me because there’s no way that didn’t look suspicious to him but again it’s likely that he was too afraid of hickey to intervene or get closer.

john giving the order “forward men” truly just makes me sick for so many reasons… he is sending them all forward to their deaths! of which his will be one of the first! and the catalyst for the ultimate breakdown of the entire camp! ugh!

anyway on to the jop promotion scene- i feel so bad for jirv in this moment because he’s essentially learning that despite the fact that he has done everything he can to weed out the rotten tins and keep track of their provisions, they have always been a source of danger and death for the men and we can really see his shock and despair here. and i’m sure he felt so much guilt for it as well even though of course there’s nothing he could have done and no way he could’ve known. we can also hear the anxiety in his voice when he asks crozier what they will do if they can’t find any game.

ahhh and the nedving thigh grab scene- i would be remiss not to involve this because i DO think that it’s further evidence of jirv’s gayness of course. jirv is disassociating, thinking of the implications of what they’ve just been told, and when ned puts his hand on him he fully jumps; his hands jerk from the table where they were resting. he makes brief eye contact with ned and then stares off into the distance. it also looks like he’s breathing heavier. not a ton of analysis i want to do here that i haven’t already but i think his reaction is proof enough that that touch affected him very deeply.

moving on though- jirv’s reaction to the jop promotion scene is almost as happy as ned’s- it’s similar in the sense that we never (excepting carnival) see him so happy and i think this is because leaving the ship opened him to connection and belonging and letting himself be a part of moments with other people. it really is so so tragic and devastating to me- in this episode jirv just really seems on the cusp of becoming, letting go, days, hours before his death. he is experiencing joy, even permitting hickey’s proximity in the upcoming scene (he doesn’t argue or seem too uncomfortable with hickey accompanying him and farr) which is an interesting departure from his previous attitude towards him. and of course his interaction with the netsilik family but now i’m getting ahead of myself.

so okay here we go- final scenes. i do think jirv suggests splitting up to cover more ground because he knows how dire the situation is and how desperately they need to find food

i’ve made a post about his before but there are two moments of halo imagery that get used with jirv after carnival and this is the first- when he’s checking their position the sun comes into focus right over his head, haloing his face in the exact spot where he’s going to die. ugh.

he does hesitate very slightly when he realizes hickey will be with him but he doesn’t fight it and he seems more resigned to it (comfortable may be too strong of a word at this point but it’s possible). given he has spent most of the story avoiding even looking at hickey i think this is an important detail

ugh the way he takes off his hat both as a sign of respect before he goes to speak to the netsilik family but also as another stripping of his rank, a reducing to just himself, just john. and he looks so young and vulnerable… the way he first introduces himself with his full name and title and then strips it down to “john… i’m john”. he immediately realizes he can identify himself as a friend and in a less formal way, he leaves that piece of him behind and shows his vulnerability and humanity in a plea for help but also for connection. he is braver here than he has ever been and i don’t think he even realizes it. both the first time and the last time he says “john” he is holding his hand to his chest right where hickey will stab him.

and it all continues to crumble away as he calls hickey and farr, but most significantly hickey, his “friends” there is such a desperation when he says “food?” and wow just. there are a lot of face journeys and expressions in this show that have stuck with me ever since i first saw them and jirv’s when he eats the seal meat offered to him is one of them- from the second it touches his lips he looks like he is holding back tears- the longing and gratitude in his eyes is so evident. this act of communion that he receives from a complete stranger, someone who he has no doubt been taught most of his life to hate and distrust, yet they offered him this simple gift, the kindness of feeding him without question. not only that but i think it’s significant that he’s offered a second piece as well, one that he takes. and when he thanks koveyook it’s in a tone that suggests he doesn’t believe that he deserves it but that he is thankful for it nonetheless

he very deliberately reaches out with his hand (the ungloved one!) to touch koveyook in gratitude- all other points of touch we’ve seen with jirv have been cast in a negative light besides him shaking jopson’s hand (god hand touching becomes sooooooooo interesting in ep 7 and beyond, fitzier, joplittle, this scene, etc but that’s a post for another time)- but touch averse (to me) jirv deliberately takes this action in gratitude

and then the telescope… the telescope. his most prized possession, showing how precious koveyook’s gift to him was that he was compelled to offer it in thanks. they weren’t demanding anything from him, he just wanted to give them something in return and he is delighted to do so

he doesn’t even have time to put his glove back on before he dies which becomes significant in a sec, bear with me here. okay let’s talk about jirv calling hickey’s name 3 times before hickey betrays him- it’s not quite the same dynamics as peter denying jesus but interesting nonetheless… jirv’s first “hickey” is angry, the second is inquisitive, the third is almost pleading… and given dave’s whole “he sees what he thinks might essentially be fucking and he turns forward to either stop it or touch it”- which of course implies i think that even jirv himself didn’t know which and wouldn’t have until he actually found himself in the situation if indeed that was what was actually happening- but that’s just one of the most subtle insane ways to show jirv’s queerness in the story. and god like he literally grabs his shoulder, not even aggressively, almost like… questioningly? and although it would’ve been easier for him to touch hickey’s shoulder with his gloved right hand, he specifically reaches out to him with his ungloved, bare left hand?? actually i just rewatched it and not only that but he touches his bare shoulder too. wow.

the utter fucking shock on jirv’s face when hickey stabs him and the way he looks up at him through his lashes and reaches one hand up between his legs after he’s fallen back and hickey’s crouching over him? is very crazy and i want to talk about how insanely erotic this scene is another time because that’s a whole thing in and of itself but yeah. (okay it’ll probably come up a little later in this paragraph but i digress). the way jirv struggles so hard to breathe just kills me. and the music- one of his happiest moments sickeningly twisted around his brutal death but also a callback to the inherent sexuality and gayness of the whole thing. jirv spends most of the show directly avoiding contact with hickey, not even eye contact, yet he dies with hickey directly in front of him, penetrating him, covering his mouth, and jirv holds his gaze the entire time. i feel like in a way this symbolically shows that jirv was facing whatever it was inside himself that hickey elicited in his final moments, mixed with the shock and rage that we can see in his face too. at first he leans forward, we can see the anger, then he lies back, accepting, accepting and then the next shot he heaves twice with his whole body trying to fight it but i think this is because this is the moment where hickey finally looks back at him where before he was looking away almost in impatience for it to all be over with. how many times i wonder did they picture each other in these exact positions in a sexual context, only to play it out finally in this moment as jirv dies underneath hickey (much like he might’ve felt like he was doing if he had ever acted on his urges).

and this flashback scene it is everything; it is truly everything to me. we can see in jirv’s face that he can sense almost like a gut feeling that there is something off about hickey but i also think that what he is reacting to the feelings within himself that arise- ugh his little nervous hands, the lower lip falling open as it does with him, the way he looks hickey up and down as hickey does too when jirv walks away- i’m sorry i know this is my solving magnum opus but there was an attraction there- however fucked up and in denial there absolutely was. like the way jirv just walks away without responding too- he was nervous! he didn’t know what to think! this whole expedition for him started and ended with what came to the surface for him with hickey and it’s so so devastating.

anyway rip my beautiful angel jirv i love you forever <3

but i do want to point out a few things from eps 8 and 9 that again i think are important to jirv as a character and his journey- namely the grief that ned and hodge feel for him and a few other things concerning the aftermath of his death:

ugh man… ned and hodge’s grief at jirv’s death gets harder to watch every time- in the tent hodge’s eyes are red from crying and it’s because he had to be the one to bring jirv’s body back, he saw everything that was done to him and he had to be the one to bring him to where he would rest. and edward is trying his best to keep it together for hodge, patting him on the shoulder and backing up his story but once he is out of george’s line of sight we can see him start to cry as well :( they loved him and of course they both blame themselves for what happened to him

okay a few notes about john’s body- in the script it mentions that he is partially scalped and that it looks like someone “got bored” or “lost interest” part way through doing it but what i fully realized here is that jirv’s scalping literally looks like a fucked up halo… and ugh his little cross around his neck.. he looks so tiny idk just like with the goodsir death scene in ep 10 there’s just something so awful about seeing them laid out naked like that when we spend the whole show seeing them bundled up and in uniform. a final stripping of rank and identity.

moving on, and these will be a little rapid fire because i’m mostly trying to document the final movements of jirv’s body and his clothing- the reason collins’ hands are shaking when he goes to the medical tent is because he can see jirv’s bloody clothes folded up on the table across from him - this is from the script: “as he applies the salve, collins’ hands tremble constantly. someone has folded and stacked up lt. irving’s clothes on a table there. collins can see a few knife cuts in the coat.” also jirv’s body is just there in the tent while bridgens and peglar talk about his scurvy.

jirv’s telescope is laying by the netsilik girl when silna goes to adjust her leg…… she was playing with it when she was murdered

i’ve made this post before on its own but it absolutely makes me sick how jirv didn’t even get to keep and take to the grave with him the final kindness that was ever done for him in his life because they had to cut upon his stomach and mutilate him further to learn the truth of his death. and to convince the men who are grieving him most that it was actually hickey that killed him.

when we can hear edward saying terror camp is clear from outside the medical tent, goodsir is finishing up sewing up john’s body again.

the wording when edward is reading out the charges against hickey and sol- when he calls the acts of sedition and mutinous designs “more pernicious” than the act of murdering jirv (and farr but this ain’t about him) it’s just so alarming- the suggestion that stirring up mutiny is worse than brutally murdering your fellow shipmates. i think this just makes the lack of proper mourning for jirv feel even worse

i believe the next time we see his body is when bridgens is trying to protect one of this patients in the medical tent- i don’t think we specifically see it brought out to be burnt with the men who are killed by tuunbaq but i do think that must have been what happened, idk what else they could’ve done at that point. but it makes me sad that we don’t know for certain

but anyway- tozer’s reaction to hearing about how jirv died and seeing the evidence against hickey- i’ll get more into this in my solving post but i think this was the beginning of the end of sol’s faith in hickey

and then at the end we have hickey going to the med tent first, presumably to look for goodsir which is where he finds jirv’s clothes, and takes his coat. i wonder if this was a crime of opportunity or if he was determined to take a trophy from his murder of jirv. i could see it going either way for hickey tbh.

okay and my final little theory i will leave you with- i posted this in the main tag a long time ago when i first got back on tumblr but i didn’t word it very well and i wasn’t very confident in my ability to articulate my thoughts but now y’all are going to hear me lol (that is if you made it this far): in the scene where hickey is talking to hodge about the tins and turning to cannibalism given what they know about them, we can see sol listening closely but not participating in the conversation. and then comes the moment where sol realizes that hickey is wearing jirv’s coat; when the wind blows he can see the stab marks. there isn’t anything said about jirv in this scene, nor his death, but obviously we can see sol starting to creep out of his denial that hickey lied to him and killed one of their fellow crew members. what i can’t stop thinking about though is the context of the conversation in which this discovery takes places- hickey is talking about eating human flesh to live now. the parts of jirv that were cut off- pieces of flesh, his fingers, etc… i really wonder if they were eaten by hickey. he was already thinking about cannibalism before the actual mutiny- he deliberately wanted to bring goodsir and diggle when they split from the group, so i don’t think it’s a huge stretch to believe that he would’ve done that to jirv’s body after mutilating him. and i just don’t think anything in the terror is a coincidence, so the fact that we see sol putting the pieces together of jirv’s death as hickey is talking about cannibalism seems too on the nose to ignore or at least consider but i would love to hear everyone’s thoughts on this!

anyway if you made it to the end of this thank you for reading and for being insane about this stupid little gay freak with me <3 sol deep dive is incoming followed by solving i promise!!!!

#the terror #jirv #john irving #IT’S FINALLY DONE RRRAAHHHHH

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astracora · 6 months ago

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Turning Point - Part 3

Characters: Poly!LADs x gn!mc

Warnings: Hurt/Comfort, Injuries, Angst, Loss of Arm, Lots of emotional struggle with disability.

Word Count: 3811

Written: 5th January 2025

Notes: Pre-relationship with gn!MC with all LADs, with my personal pov of the game and lil headcanons littered in. Unnamed MC, but using my personal MC's basic appearance and adjusted backstory. I take some liberties with what the game offers me. I'm not going to go into every detail of adapting to a prosthetic, there's a lot of stages. For anyone curious, MC uses a multi-grip prosthetic, that relies on electric signals from their residual limb to help communicate movement, using a specialised (fantasy) metal because it's adapted for their job. Also the general adaptive time for one can be up to a year, (even longer depending on how much it needs adjusting and how much active support you have). I'm cutting it down to six months overall (though they continue to learn better ways to use it going forwards). On account of the LADs world having stuff like... AI Robots that can have a conversation with you in the streets, and magic powers. I don't know how long this will be, or how many parts. I have a horrifying number of notes... I guess we'll see how long I can go before my brain shuts down.

Now Playing: The Line, by Twenty One Pilots

Masterlist AO3

<- Previous Next ->

You spend the next few days going through the motions.

You exist where you should be striving, and you breathe where you know you're supposed to laugh.

It's empty, but the angry beast in your heart doesn't snap and growl and howl. Demanding blood as recompense for an existence you cannot justify.

Looking in a mirror has become… difficult, so when you brush your teeth, or wash your face, too stubborn to let anyone help when your hand trembles, and you spill your things on the floor. You stare down. At the floor, as you go through motions you know like the back of your scarred hand.

There are moments when life bubbles up, but it is short and it is tired and you only feel it when you have others around you to bring it out. To ease life back into a hand that's become a claw. Smoothing the stretching torn skin, and tending to broken nails.

You go through the motions, because they wait for you on the other side of the door. If you cannot live for you, you will always live for others.

Sometimes it is all you can do, to motivate your broken heart to beat one more day.

Zayne comes with you to the hospital, to check in with your specialist. A warm older woman, who reminds you too much of Gran to not make you feel like you're seeing ghosts. It's a feeling mixed with guilt, and a small amount of fear. Unbidden but lurking. Everytime she, Meredith, touches you, an ache sparks in your heart.

A memory like static hits you, and you have to steady your breath and your heart with a firm hand before you can resume listening.

If you can even be said to be listening.

You're checked over, made sure that your injuries haven't been made worse by your isolation and lack of care. You're lucky, you're told. That someone found you, that they came to you, brought you back to the hospital.

You want to snap back that luck doesn't tear your arm from your shoulder.

That you're not lucky. You're not brave.

You're not anything.

Zayne is commended for his sutures, and his quick care, he barely responds, hand firmly in your one. Squeezing, loosening his grip, squeezing. Self comforting himself as much as he is comforting you. You return the gesture, staring out the window. Trying to take yourself somewhere else. Somewhere without white walls, and terrible motivational posters.

Somewhere where this ghost of your grandma isn't hovering over you. Where you're not hearing talk about next steps.

Somewhere warm maybe.

His hand grounds you, keeps you tethered. Part of you wants to release and let yourself float, the other is scared to disappear into the clouds without him. So you stay, and you hold on. Like you're a balloon he keeps around his wrist.

"Let's check your prosthetic fit. It will need adjustments going forwards as you learn to use it."

Static.

You're somewhere in the room, staring at yourself as you nod, a hand on your shoulder as your shirt buttons are loosened. As straps are pulled and tightened around skin. Even half aware they feel raw. Itching and burning against you.

Unwanted. Unwelcome.

It's a distant pair of eyes that gaze at the limb fitted into place, staring at the metal. You blink finally. Clearing your head to look. Just… look.

"Comfortable?"

You think back to the bathroom with Rafayel. His gentle hands soothing dirt from your skin, and his eyes glowing as they look at you. You think to a gentle hand stroking your head as you fall into sleep, starry blue eyes watching you carefully. You think about a crow bringing you snacks, of red eyes watching you warmly over a bowl. You think about a doctor's hand in yours, easing the scars over, like you've done to his.

You think about the pieces of you twisted and bunched and stuffed under skin that fits too tight. You think about the pain of waking up every morning now. Of avoiding your own gaze in the mirror.

You think of a limb you can still see the metal piercing through.

You aren't sure how to answer her. Too many things bundled up in your head, struggling to filter and file and understand which is which.

Zayne gives a gentle tug, looks down at you, forest eyes glimmering. Absently you think you see fear, like you're going to disappear, if he lets you go. Float away on a weak breeze.

It should shame you. Feeling this weak.

You're just so tired.

When he speaks, he soothes with his thumb, pressing into skin and drawing the infinity sign against you, "Is it rubbing painfully anywhere?" He clarifies the question.

The noise filters back a little, giving you a direct pathway to your answer, "The straps. They hurt."

The doctor nods to herself, she writes notes down and adjusts them. "They'll soften over use, you'll need to clean them weekly at least, leather conditioner can help ease the initial discomfort."

The raw rubbing softens a little, still too hyper aware of the feeling, you twitch away from her when she adjusts where the metal and sheath touches your skin. "Does it hurt?"

"No. Your hands are cold."

Her laugh reminds you of Gran too, and you can feel the walls getting closer. You have to hold it together. You have to keep it together.

You can't break down here. You can't. You have to be stronger than this.

It's like there's a lump in your throat. A feeling like you're going to be sick, maybe cry. Maybe both.

You can't be weak here.

"Can we take a minute, Doctor Rin?" Zayne asks, voice calm but cool. Like he isn't really asking, like it's a formality. Respect for someone who knows how to help you.

She leans back and nods, "Of course." She looks over at you and smiles, and it's too warm and kind to not make you flinch back, "Take a few minutes outside."

You can't respond because the lump in your throat is rising.

Don't cry.

With a steady hand on your back, Zayne leads you away from the room, steering you through the corridors of Akso. Out into the courtyards. Where it's quiet. Where no one can watch as you finally crack.

As you gulp, and cover your mouth. Trying to force it down as you hiccup and gasp.

There's a burning in your shoulder, everytime you feel the brush of metal, the chill through the sheath. You feel the cool straps, refusing to take your body heat. You reach up with your hand to pull them off but a hand takes yours. Holds it, as another releases the buckles. Removes the offending thing.

Gently. Carefully. Reverently.

He places it down on a bench, then pulls you closer. Rubbing warm circles into your shoulder and skin through your shirt. You cling to his, trembling until the feeling eases out. Relieved from your confines.

From the woman who brings ghosts to your door.

From the memories of ice cold pain and scorching blood.

"What do you need?"

You shake your head. Too much. You want this nightmare to be over. You want to wake up and things be easier. You want things you can't have.

You want to feel strong. Brave. Complete.

A hand, cool to the touch but accompanied by a warm gaze, turns your head. Looking up, as he wipes tears that have escaped against your will. "Do you want another doctor?"

Yes. No.

Maybe?

The ghost of Gran scares you as much as she comforts you.

Meredith Rin is top of her field. You know that. Logically it makes no sense, to turn down the woman who can have your back, get you through this.

If you want to move forward, you have to try. You have to.

"No." You choke out, shaking your head in his grasp, leaning into his palm, "No."

He seems relieved, face relaxing a little, "Very well, I've read her recommendations, testimonies from patients. I trust her abilities."

If he trusts her, you think you can too. You trust him right now, more than you can ever hope to trust yourself. Scared of ghosts and monsters lurking in the shadows.

Scared of yourself.

"Do you want to go home?"

Yes. You do. You do. You want to be anywhere but the hospital. You're so very tired of hospitals.

It is the feeling of fatigue. The feeling of knowing the corridors better than you want to. Of knowing the faces of the doctors. Of knowing the other patients who visit frequently.

It is not just Zayne that tethers you to the hospital, it is the heart in your chest, the illness in your life, the injuries from your job, and now the prosthetic on the bench.

"Darling." His thumb eases, soothes, wipes at fresh tears, "I'm here."

You think about hospital appointments that Caleb had joined you for. How he'd written notes and focused so you didn't have to. Keeping you tethered.

Zayne looks at you with warm, beautiful eyes, and offers you his stability and his brain to keep you standing. Where you waver.

So you shake your head, "I can do it." You can. You can do it. You're not alone, you can do it.

"If you need to leave, tap my hand twice, alright?" It's an offer to escape, but it's spoken with pride in his voice, as you stand a little taller.

Your nod is firmer than before, and this time when he picks up the prosthetic, you can look at it a little longer. Maybe soon you'll look at it and look forwards.

—-

Rafayel is trying to focus on his work. He has an exhibition coming up, that he would cancel if he didn't have some degree of guilt for the stress it would cause Thomas. He doesn't mind tormenting the man occasionally, but breaking promises… it's not something he can bring himself to do. He's not a hypocrite.

If he waited every year for you to return to that beach, he'll carry out the promises he's made to finish his art.

He's only half paying attention to his canvas, though. Paint on his brush drying in the air, because he keeps looking over at you.

You're sat with Xavier, as you work through exercises to help with balance. He can see the strain in your back. A loose vest worn so you don't rub at the shoulder. You wince, but push.

Rafayel's paintbrush is set to the side, sketchbook picked up, and he works.

You are a vision in charcoal, when you finish an exercise you exhale in relief, before moving on. Every hurdle cleared no matter how tall, has you stabilise. Visibly relaxing, flinching less when Xavier's hands touch you. The prince is careful, gentle and observant.

There's life to his page again, he isn't sure he'll ever show you the sketches of you like this. Scars on your skin, hurting, but he keeps it in case there is a day you ask. So he can show you that you live and you move. That stumbling and hurting is ok.

Rafayel records you in sketches because he values every version of you, and he hopes one day you see that, and believe it.

As you finish for the day, falling to the floor, lying down. Breathing heavily, and worn out fully. He hears a soft laugh, "I'll get some water." The prince heads off to the kitchen, while Rafayel puts his work down, closing the sketchbook carefully, and approaching you. So that he can look at you, upside down, nose inches from yours.

"Hey cutie. Nice work."

You hesitate before smiling. It's not the smile you've worn before, but it's not a fake one. It's just tired. He might not understand the feeling fully, but he knows how hard struggling is. How it drains you. He also knows that no matter how proud you can be, stubborn and biting at the bit to be strong, that he should commend every action.

Even if you huff that it should be a simple achievement. It is not, not some days. Some days, he watches you give in. Some days, you power through better than others.

Today you almost gave up, before getting fiery and angry at yourself. Growling and forging on.

So he will commend you, because he wants you to value the effort.

"You're cute upside down too."

This time you do exhale a laugh, hand reaching up to poke his forehead. You miss, frown, and try again. "You're silly."

He joins you on the floor, lying with his head at yours, his legs up on your sofa. Face turned to you. Neither of you make a move to sit up, it is comfortable to simply lie, and stare up at the dimmed lights. "You're doing well."

A shaky exhale is his immediate answer, but you nod, "I'm trying."

He wants to say that trying is enough, he doesn't know if that's the right thing to say, but instead he reaches over towards your hand, and takes it in his. He can watch as the furrow in your brow eases, frown easing a little. He thinks you're finally trying to rely on them. To find comfort in their presence.

To not feel alone.

"It's hard," You speak, guilt in your voice, like you're confessing a sin. He squeezes, so you continue, "I feel pathetic, and sometimes I feel angry. So angry." You look at him, eyes glistening and he nods, "I want to give up."

"But you don't." He offers, watching your eyes waver, you can't hold his gaze for long, but he knows you're still keeping focus on him. Grounding yourself. "I'm glad that you're working through it."

Your exercises exhaust you, movement is harder now so he watches you fray. You let them handle things, food, cleaning, so you can focus on recovery. Rafayel is pleased, smug almost, that his presence here allows for that. It's a warm heat in his chest, like he's watching the tides, because if he can help you stand up tall again, he'll do anything for you.

You don't speak for a while, simply breathing through, relaxing and calming yourself. He reaches his other hand over to brush hair from where it sticks to your skin, revelling in the small shudder he gets from the sensitivity.

He will always be too sensitive to everything you do.

Xavier sits then, on your other side, and he looks up as you look at the glass in the prince's hand.

You release Rafayel's hand, pushing yourself up, shaking your head at the offer of help, and lean over a little to take the glass. Xavier's hand stabilising your back.

As he watches you, Rafayel thinks about your impatience, to be useful again. Back in the field. To overcome the hurdles despite the fact you wish to give up, he returns to his sketchbook.

With a quick pen, a dagger takes pride of place in the centre of his page.

—---

"We are not eating fish every night."

"Who made you the boss?"

"Variation is important in a diet."

"Fish is good for you!"

"Except for one big one."

You leave your bedroom after a nap, to find Sylus, Rafayel and Zayne in the kitchen.

Sylus has instructions on his phone, as he chops vegetables, while Rafayel is sat on the counter, trying to… you assume sabotage his efforts.

Zayne has his head in his hands, trying to read what you can tell is your treatment schedule. "Can the both of you act your age?"

"Tell that to the fish."

"I have a name, crow!"

You feel the laugh bubble out of you unbidden. The image is so out of sorts, and so ridiculous. Sylus of the N109 Zone, and Rafayel the lemurian artist. Arguing in your kitchen. That's far smaller than either of them are probably used to.

While your doctor sits and grumbles at them, barely trying to keep them from killing each other.

They turn at the sound, three pairs of stunning eyes, focusing on you as you try to cover your mouth to keep the laugh from escaping.

It doesn't work though. You laugh, and you laugh, and you laugh.

It's almost hysteric. Like a collapse, like walls crumbling down, and foundations falling.

It's euphoric. A release of pent up feelings you keep struggling to let out.

It's relieving. Tears flowing with it. Hiccups starting, laughter into sobs, then laughter again.

It's stupid but it throws something off of you. A beast of a burden, clinging to your back. Trying to pull you down.

It settles at your ankles, clinging to you, but you can stand up a little taller.

The monster that lurks, that angers, that demands blood. The creature that tells you to give up. It silences itself, curling up, and slumbers. Not forever. It never leaves forever, but for a little while… it is chased away by the realisation that you have something still to see.

These foolish men, living their lives alongside you.

Sylus' eyes are molten pools of affection as he watches you, lips quirking into that small smile you know intimately. "What do you want, kitten?"

"Cutie will make the right choice!"

As you approach, sitting beside Zayne at the counter who wipes your face as you do so, you smile softly, "I want salmon."

Rafayel lets out a whoop, way too close to Sylus' head, who winces and glares at him.

"You truly are a cat, kitten." He tuts, but moves to the fridge to grab it from the groceries Xavier had picked up earlier before heading off for a mission.

Zayne had given him a strict list of food that are good to eat when you are in recovery… even if some cookies had snuck their way into the list.

You try not to think about how you should be out there with him.

Zayne lets out an exhale next to you, "Finally, that argument is over."

"The doctor was very unhelpful." Sylus inputs, raising a brow at the man.

"As long as it's healthy, I don't mind what you prepare." He pushes the schedule close to you, so you don't have to lean over to watch, "I've been making notes for what we can do at home to help alleviate the time spent in the hospital."

You blink at him, and he pushes his glasses up to smile, "Is that alright?" It's a small nod, you're not sure how to explain to him how seen you feel with them.

It's been a long time since there was security in your life. You wish it had come at a time where you also didn't feel like you're standing over the edge of the abyss… but the safety net you can see below you finally… well… going through the motions is looking less like a chore.

"When do you start your prosthetic training?" Raffy asks, swinging his legs.

You check the documents, because you truly can't remember much of what was said to you verbally, and you'd been avoiding reading them since you received them. "A week."

"I'll send a copy around to everyone, if you're alright with it?"

You nod, it's an easy thing to agree to. You think about them finding you curled up in the blanket. It can't get much worse than that…

"Is your exhibit going well, Raffy?"

The man in question jumps, and you think he looks a little guilty, "I have one more thing to finish, it's giving me trouble, but I'll get there. Promise you'll come see it?"

It's hard to promise anything, caught in jewel eyes, watching them like a shimmering luminescent sea. You don't want to let Rafayel down, if you can't go. If you're too tired. If you're sick. If you just can't bear to be out.

What do you want to do? Plays in a loop in your head. If you can, what do you want?

You think about how Rafayel holds to promises like they mean everything. You think about the feeling you have sometimes like you've broken one without meaning to. You think about how warm his voice is when he forgives you if you can't go out with him because you hurt too much or are too tired, long before now. In a way you can't fake your way through, despite how much you hate letting your body pull you down.

It's easy then. What you want… the picture is clearer.

"I promise Raffy." Because as long as you can, you will. Because he'll understand if you can't. If your body hurts too much, if your fatigue is too great, if you're drowning.

His smile is so relieved, so bright, you almost look away from him.

An artist could try to capture him, and fail a million times over. He is too beautiful, and too kind, to ever be recorded on paper or canvas.

"How come the invite wasn't extended to all of us, fish?" Sylus teases, flicking some water off his hands at Rafayel's face. Who instantly looks like a startled cat in response.

"Why would anyone want you there crow?"

"You doubt my eye for beautiful things?"

"I doubt your taste in anything but cutie."

The man laughs, amused and unbothered by the insult, "Perhaps you should paint them, I'll definitely appreciate the art then."

Despite your nap, as you watch them, as the room is warm, you find yourself leaning into Zayne. Eyes drooping, he adjusts himself to place an arm around your waist, "You should go to bed if you're still tired."

The disgruntled mumble makes him huff a soft laugh, but he allows you to stay leaning into his side, as he turns paper, and reads. "Your specialist's work is very clear." He hums in approval.

"Approval from Doctor Li." You manage to tease, "I'm in good hands."

"You are. Though it took a little while to convince Sylus of that."

The man in question half shrugs as he stirs a pot, "There is no compromise with your health Kitten, I'd drag a doctor from halfway across the world if I had to."

This time Raffy nods, as though it's an obvious thing. To have the money to do that. Or, you think in Sylus' case, the power to do that. You'd be a little worried about the doctor's state of mind though. Kidnapped by a criminal and dragged to Linkon.

"It'll be ok." You manage, though sleep is pulling you under yet again. The net is there, ready to catch you. You feel a kiss pressed against your head, but it is dim and it is far away, and you fall before you can respond.

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queenofapeacefuldawn · 7 months ago

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Spy × Family Chapter 108: An Analysis

So, after a two month wait, we finally got a new chapter! And we were SO well fed LMAO!!!

Anyway, as always, spoilers for Spy × Family Chapter 108 under the cut!

We start off the chapter with Melinda nervously explaining to Yor her reason for being "Lunaluna Selena" in disguise: it's a fun hobby!

And, obviously, she's in disguise out of worry about the rumours that might spread if the former First Lady of Ostania dabbles in mysticism: as it might cause problems with her husband. (Though it is messed up that she has to hide her hobbies from her own husband, but we know how Donovan is).

In the middle of Melinda's monologue about why she loves this sort of thing, she drops a rather odd line:

(First of all: DANDADAN reference anyone?) Kidding, kidding, it was probably just a throw-off line, but what we're really focusing on is: Melinda's emphases on the word "Telepathy".

Now, side note, I'm not sure if the emphasis was to draw our, the readers' attentions to the fact that Melinda believes in the concept of telepathy existing, or if Melinda herself is putting emphasis on the word "telepathy", implying she knows something about the project that Anya was made for.

It is a fascinating thing to put in, though: if one's talking about the things they believe in, then putting "telepathy" in the top three seems like an odd choice, especially if more general terms like "superpowers" or whatever exist.

It does seem very intentional on Endo-sensei's part to put in, especially since, as of now, we don't know how much Melinda knows about Donovan's current plans, or even about what he's done before.

It could be a reference to Anya's past, or some sort of red herring so the reveal of Anya's past can be more shocking. I'm not sure. Yet, I choose to believe that Melinda knows something about Anya's past--- something maybe she found out on accident? Which is why she's so terrified of Donovan?

In essence, this chapter basically confirms that Melinda is suffering some sort of psychological abuse at the hands of Donovan, leading to her fear of him. What's more interesting is that Donovan is intentionally trying to drive a rift between Melinda and the boys. Possibly he's trying to isolate her by keeping them under his thumb, so that she doesn't try to "betray" him? Or maybe he's already threatened the lives of the boys in return for Melinda staying, all for the sake of keeping the "happy family man" image up to the public (though we know how messed up the family really is).

These panels. They confirm that Melinda has thoughts about standing up for herself and Damian (and Demetrius too, I guess--- I think it's implied), but the sheer terror of what Donovan might do holds her back. Half a step forward, a whole leap back. She even says, "Fortune telling [a hobby that she loves dearly] doesn't matter either. What am I doing here?"

So. yeah.

[NOTE: I skipped over the tarot reading part initially so that I could talk about Donovan and his abuse, and connect it to the first bit of the chapter. The tarot reading part comes now.

NOTE 2: All the information about the tarot cards comes from Google. I have no knowledge about tarot, so please take this with a grain of salt, and if I make any mistakes, please don't hesitate in correcting me :)]

These are the cards we see initially.

She says the card representing Anya's present is the Four of Cups. According to Google, it means:

The Four of Cups tend to appear when you are feeling discouraged and unmotivated. You may feel as if there is no solution or way forward in your situation. Life has become stagnant, and nothing seems to make you happy or passionate.

(Labyrinthos, Tarot Cards Meanings List)

Which is kind of true in reference to Anya's life as a student. A student's life is filled with studying (God knows I know it), something Anya is apathetic towards. It's also "Plan A" of Operation Strix: through studying, Anya becomes an Imperial Scholar and Twilight makes contact with Donovan Desmond.

Or, it could be an allusion to Melinda's situation: she's discouraged, and feels trapped in her marriage. Nothing makes her passionate anymore, because everything she experiences is tainted by her husband (see: the panel above where she says 'even fortune-telling doesn't matter).

Melinda says that the Death card represents the factors around Anya. There's the obvious joke about "Oh the Grim Reaper's right next to you!" with Yor next to Anya, but the Death card shouldn't be taken literally.

The Death card signals that one major phase in your life is ending, and a new one is going to start. You just need to close one door, so the new one will open. The past needs to be placed behind you, so you can focus your energy on what is ahead of you.

(Labyrinthos, Tarot Cards Meanings List)

This is a reference to Anya's previous life as a test subject, and orphan; and how she's left that past behind and been allowed to actually be a child, and how she's finally being loved as she deserves. How her circumstances, the factors around her are changing. It could also pertain to her physical growth, or maybe it was just there for the joke about Yor being the Grim Reaper (which is still pretty ominous. Who is Yor going to have to kill?)

And, finally, the Star in reverse.

When the Star card is reversed, it means that you are feeling as though everything has turned against you. The challenges that you would normally see as exciting seem instead to make you feel as though you cannot overcome them. You have lost faith in something, whether inside yourself or with something you normally find dear. Without hope, without faith, we cannot find the motivation to progress forward in the challenges that we face. Where in your life are you feeling hopeless? In what ways do you already feel defeated? And how does that affect your actions? The star reversed asks us to nurture our sense of hope and positive energy to help propel our actions with joy instead of fear.

(Labyrinthos, Tarot Cards Meanings List)

Since this represents Anya's future... it doesn't look to good. It feels intentionally grey and murky, with no clear answer as to what's going to happen in Anya's future, but it still seems pretty bleak.

Overall, these readings don't seem to point to a future that seems too good for Anya.

I am very afraid what's going to happen to her (and to find out what's going to happen to her), but I guess we'll just have to wait and see.

We still don't know what exactly Anya means by "This feeling... I think I've felt it before...", especially when it's related to Melinda's fear of returning home and to Donovan. Again, it makes me very nervous for her backstory.

Anya and Yor return to where the rest of the gang is, and---

why is he like this.

After Twilight spends the whole day socializing with the other parents, "pumping them for information", Emile talks about how nice it must be to have a nice mom, which leads to this interaction:

This has a striking similarity to the chapter where Anya confesses about her mind-reading powers to Damian: the reassurance back then that Damian loves his dad, and now, the reassurance that Melinda loves him. Parallels about who he loves and idolizes, and now who loves him.

And, it's also so heartwarming that she specifically takes off her mask: showing her, perhaps, most true self to him, especially due to the fact that she comes from a family of actors, constantly putting on masks.

Speaking of masks... we can see a bit of [REDACTED] bleed through the mask of Loid, and Twilight.

It's the same, pensive expression that we see him wear in Episode 35 (Chapter 56), except it's more... tired. More weary. Less affectionate.

(The panel from Chapter 56)

We see a man imagining What Could Have Been, if the trajectory of his life hadn't changed so drastically: especially at a festival much like the one he's currently at.

We see a man tired of war.

We also see it in Episode 3 (Chapter 3)

This is when he's seeing young boys playing, and thinking of himself and his own friends.

Anya doesn't read his mind, but she does read his expression-

And so, the family man mask comes on, but not quite as properly as he'd like.

We can still see [REDACTED] shine through.

It's the same smile he gives Yor and Anya when Nightfall comes over, the smile with, which Fiona notes, "a tiny hint of real emotion seeping out from beneath it".

We jump to some time later, with Director Gorey asking Loid if he's willing to take on a VIP patient who presents a "challenging" case, which is followed by the inevitable reveal that the patient is Melinda.

I think this implies that Melinda has tried seeing psychiatrists before, but none of them worked out for her, or none of them could figure out what was wrong with her (hence the "challenging").

It's also revealed that Yor suggested Melinda sees Loid, which is greatly boosting his mission.

Gorey says that he suspects she's suffering from an intense case of Persecution Complex, so I searched that up.

People with a persecution complex suffer from the feeling that other people are trying to harm them.

(Cambridge Dictionary)

Given Gorey's diagnosis, I'm wondering if he's implying that Melinda is untrustworthy (which also implies that Melinda might have spoken of her fear of her husband--- perhaps in a roundabout way, which also led to her being classified as "challenging".) Though, for this, we'll need to wait and see next chapter.

FINAL THOUGHTS: I really loved this chapter! It definitely was worth the two month wait (and, I hope Endo-sensei is better, I think he took the break because of poor health). I'm excited for the next chapter! Tell me what your thoughts are!

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sp00pypumpkins · 1 year ago

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This is how I feel Zero would met player HAHHA, they werent prepared to face an adult human per se XD.

Au belongs to @asamary!

I am going to rant a bit about it under the cut.

He uses they/he pronouns

He is slightly smaller than catnap

So Zero was just in a intership for a short period before he found the truth and wanted to out it but they got him and turn him into a toy! When he found the truth he met the prototype but his fascination of gadgets and mechanism was stronger than feeling fear XD

He can produce energy via his emotions and on his own will if he is in good shape, he met the critters soon after, he was in charge of the time for movies or shows and story telling. His knowledge in mechanism made him be able to have more dinamic storytelling using tricks with lights and such.

Zero then loses their temper electrocuting a scientist not on purpose trying to stop them for taking more kids, in wich the scientist take notice and take him to the labs in wich he got experimented more and amplifying his production of electricity.

He then kept being experimented while being plugged to the facility providing electricity to a portion of it. He became a living generator.

The prototype then offered them to be part of the hour of joy by the promise of revenge and freedom and no more pain, he accepted and shut the facility down from electricity and closed the doors from many places trapping everyone inside.

Now this is where the the au and canon takes different paths

Since in canon Zero gets deceived by the Prototype and was kept as a generator for the prototype (basically he will still be used as a generator by the prototype) the prototype would carve a mouth in the shape of a smile on Zero so he can feed. Zero dislikes him after being betrayed.

In the au since the prototype just killed the scientists and the bad people, Zero is very loyal to the prototype and helps them finding the more bad people by hacking security cameras or websites, but he stays in the town most of the time.

In the au Zero lives in the basement of the aparment the critters live in (if they are in a building and not just a singular house lmao) He produces the energy of a portion of the city, if he doesnt their electricity would go hirewire, he just plugs himself at night and acumulates the electricity in the generators.

If there is a storm and ther ei s apower outage he can easily feed the building, you just need to wake him up and tell him about it.

Zero has 6 minicritters of themselfves in wich some are patrolling and some are around him, they are like security cameras in a way

They go around fixing a lot of stuff around town specially electronics,

He likes to create gadgets, toys or artwork from metal, thats why he would go to the dupmster zone to search for parts and bring them home, they find admiration how the prototype can dissamble an object to create another so he looks up to the prototype like a teacher.

He is usually in the background doing mundane fixes there and there, because he was isolated and the only contact was when they experimented on him, he gets veyr anxious around adult humans but with time you can see he is just a silly guy who adores affection he just doesnt know how to handle it yet.

I like to think they are the guy whom people go when something gets broken or need assitance with.

I really couldnt stop thinkning about the au, its 2 am but I probs forgot things.

If ya dont mind I shall keep doing lil comics about this au with my oc in it qwq

Now just a wip of a future ref I am making

Some fun facts:

He dislikes being touched in the back

The Prototype helped zero gain a mouth and get unplugged from the cables since it was a tedious and careful task.

The minicriters have different shapes (i forgot to put the x body marks on the square anthena minicrtitter :()

Simple shape on anthena= complex shape on body and vice versa.

He can speak human language very soflty but it feels off for him specially if he talks for to long it starts to hurt. (He normally talks in gibberish like puppycat from the show :D)

The stronger the emotion the more energy he can produce

If there are tvs plug on them or he touches them, he can comunicate with those using memories and replicating the voice from that memory (is like doing a collage of different voices and images in a tv) he can also project their dreams on tvs

He is very light

The scarf/coat is attached to them like part of their body.

They are protective of their friends he isnt very strong but will fight for them

He gets sometimes ghost pains in their back, the scale of pain depends of the day

ANYWAYS thats it me thinks I shall make lil comics about all the facts and other stuff other times qwq

If u read everything, thank you and hello! Hope u have a good day :D

Also sorry about the grammar and writting english is not first language and its 2 am HAHAHA

They have a hard time hidding how they really feel because the color their anthena, eyes and stars may change by how he feels

He tries to always stay calm and with right composure but he is actually very emotional, he just had learn how to manage the emotions

#poppy playtime #poppy playtime au #poppy playtime sweet home au #poppy playtime player #oc Zero Signal #smiling critters oc #probably forgot stuff but oh well #I can already see mistakes but im tired #my art #poppy playtime oc #sweet home au

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cowboyjen68 · 3 months ago

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Hi, I'm gonna try and keep this relatively simple as in not into detail about why I am the way I am (basically I have anxiety around women despite being a woman myself; my mom used to be overly critical, unpredictable moods and take her stress out on me, and when I told her I'm bi she just kind of rolled her eyes and dismissed me lol (she's better about so many things now but the damage is done))(+ I got bullied by girls and abused by my friends growing up, a lot)

I'm recently starting to come more out of my shell and understand that my attraction to women isn't going to go anywhere, like I'm still going to have crushes on them and want to be with them. That's just the reality for me. Nothing wrong with that.

But I feel like I'm still chained down by my past and the sort of anxiety that it brings! I see it affecting my friendships with women, too, I notice: once the friendship starts to deepen, I feel a sort of threshold rising. It starts feeling more like I need to 'perform' better and I doubt myself, so I pull away. Feel like a fraud.

I'm understanding that I've developed this fear of not being good enough to be in women's general vicinity. It's not real, it's all in my head, I know it, but... I guess in my heart of hearts I just don't believe a woman could really really love me, or trust me, or take me seriously as a person and most of all, still be attracted to me like I am to her—I have nothing I can offer to any woman out there, is the belief I'm trying to tackle. Because, it must not be true, right?

The more practical level this issue presents at is social situations and flirting. I'm a big joker and like to give people laughs and let them feel appreciated/welcome, but if there're women I'm attracted to I just completely trip all over my own legs in a way that leaves me more embarrassed than anything. My flirting is (or, it feels) really awkward, and I'm constantly second-guessing whether she is just being nice, or responding actually. I feel like a total creep at times and worry about coming across creepy somehow, despite doing nothing out of the ordinary.

I'm also feeling quite inferior, because I'm in my late 20's and I should have at least this part of my shit together, but I don't. Yet, I can't just sit around isolated and loveless until I'm 'together' enough to 'impress her' or whatever else nonsense my weird complexes/perfectionisms try to tell me! I have to go out and try to make connections, go through trial/error and be a proper friend above all, I think.

I don't expect any comprehensive therapist-tier mindhacks on how to tackle any (or fuck forbid all) of this. What I'm kind of looking for perhaps, is reassurance or a kind word? Not that I want anyone to be going through these kind of things, though, what scares me more is the thought of being alone in this, especially that of being doomed into being stuck forever alone like this. Like, I feel so socially stunted. I know what I'm supposed to work on, but it all just feels like a massive hurdle that can't be fixed with a couple tips on flirting.

... though, flirting tips would also be welcome if you know what I'm saying. Or maybe advice on how to loosen up, keep calm and get over the assumption that everyone is straight and nobody's gonna be interested ever (aka. start seeing and really receiving the signs someone might be interested). Maybe a few words to help with how intimidating it is to try and make an entry to bi/lesbian spaces and make friends there, after so many freaking years up Aslan's? Gotta start somewhere with it.

I live in a relatively safe for LGBT+ country by the way, so I've got that going for me so far, as in, I can afford everyday normal behaviour and (up to a point) openness that would be immensely risky in a lot of places 'round the globe. It's a definite advantage.

Anyway, love you blogging about your life here, it's very inspiring to see how far you've gotten along with building a life that's yours <3 it gives me hope, too! And yeah I guess I'm in awe. Also how kind of you to receive anons and respond thoughtfully to all these young folks in need of advice and support! You're so beautiful for that. A real one, a role model if there ever was one.

Wishing you and everyone frequenting this blog all the best!

(hopefully tumblr doesn't mess up and somehow bungle the anonymity)(if this is too much it's okay to just delete)(hopefully this also doesn't send multiple times, gosh I'm nervous)

Again I come with my hat in hand to apologize for this blog being neglected.

I have good news. With or without trauma of the sort you have endured many woman are raised to mistrust other women and see them as either better with higher standards than we could ever achieve or just not to be trusted because they are spiteful, back stabbing or judgmental. It is so odd but women are told be be friends with other women because men want to have their man friends but at the same time we are not so subtly taught that women make terrible friends.

SO in feeling like you are not good enough or don't belong you are in fact just like many of the other women around you who feel the exact same way.

I too am one who loves to make women laugh or feel good and sometimes when they do, just like a kid who realizes they did something right, I go over board and am bolstered to keep on making jokes and trying to continue the laughter, even when it gets to the awkward stage. The want to impress women can encourage me to take it too far.

The best flirting it to be kind and complimentary while maintaining eye contact with a small smile. Sincerity and genuineness can be seen and felt by most women. So if you find someone worth flirting with, compliment her on something she put effort into (clothes, hair cut, make up, jewelry etc) and mean it. Then stop talking LOL. I tend to keep going. Let her respond and answer simply. You're welcome to her thank you or when she says "really? it is not big deal" say "well i noticed and thought you should know someone noticed". Simple and authentic. If you don't mean it, don't say it.

The key is sort of less is more but not in a "hard to get" kind of way but in a be sincere in what you say and genuinely listen to her reaction so You can respond appropriately kind of way.

Confidence and timing comes with practice.

#lesbian #flirting #women #friendships #women are amazing

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bitchliteraria1906 · 11 months ago

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Asgard royal family headcanons! (Specifically about Loki and how he relates to each family member).

• I really like the headcanon that Frigga was pregnant before Odin took Loki, and she lost the baby. Mostly because it makes sense logically (that would make Loki easy to explain! He's not some random baby that spawned out of nowhere, they can just say he's the child she was pregnant with!). But also, it adds another layer to their relationship: he's an adopted rainbow baby.

• Because of this, she remembers baby Loki very fondly, romanticizing the memories a bit. I'd even dare to say she remembers Loki as an easier baby than Thor, even though, objectively speaking, that's not true at all. Loki cried more, screamed more, needed special care. Which was to be expected: he was way too young to be separeted from his mom, and the bright lights and warmer weather of Asgard (in comparisson to Jotunheim, that is) were bad for him. Odin even feared that it would be too much to Frigga, that she would beg him to take Loki back or something, but his fragile state just made Frigga want to take care of him more, and she rarely, if ever, complained.

• Odin's feelings were very different, of course. He remembers Thor as the easy baby, because Thor was predictable. Familiar. He didn’t need special lights for sensitive eyes or cold cloths pressed into his forehead to be able to sleep in hot nights. He did all the things, both cute and annoying, that an Asgardian baby is supposed to do, expected to do. Nothing more and nothing less. And of course, he wasn't a secret and a stolen child.

• The golden child vs black sheep dynamic was set from the start, is what I'm saying.

• Odin's treatment of Loki has so much layers that it probably deserves it's own post, so I won’t talk much about it here.

•Constanly comparing him to Thor. Sometimes it was subtle, but sometimes it was literally just saying "Why can't you be more like your brother?"

• I'm not sure what Asgard's stance on physical punishment would be. Like, I can definitely see some people thinking it makes kids stronger or whatever, but Idk.

• Regardless of what the common Asgardian stance on hitting your kids is, I don’t think is something Odin and Frigga would automatically jump to with young Thor and Loki. Frigga doesn't want to hurt them, and Odin prefers other forms of discipline.

• He's definitely not above hitting, though. It may not be his go-to method to actually teach them things, but a smack for talking back from time to time? It has happened, especially with Loki.

• Every punishment happened more with Loki, actually. Odin knew he specifically hated time out, because of how it forced him to think about what he did wrong while completely alone in his room. Sometimes he'd come out ashamed of himself, sometimes he'd just be angry. Either way, he wouldn't willingly talk to Odin for the rest of the day, either completely isolating himself or clinging more to Frigga. Most of the time, Odin wouldn't even notice, and for Loki, that was the most painful part.

•Frigga genuinely loved Loki, but she also had a hand in perpetuating the racism against frost giants (either by action or by compliance) and let a lot of Odin's treatment of him slide. She also had a "defending the person who isn't in the room" approach to conflict, so in the rare occasions that Loki vented to her about Odin, though she was a good listener, she didn't really validate his feelings that much? It was always "I know your father can be difficult, but he just wants what's best for you!" or "I guess he could've been nicer about it, but is he wrong, honey? You already know he doesn't like it when you do that."

•When it came to defending Loki (or speaking up about how Odin was raising both him and Thor in general), she mostly worked in the shadows. She’d argue with Odin about it when they were alone, but never in front of others, and Loki took her silence as agreement, basically thinking "Well, if Mother doesn't speak up when Father is so harsh to me, maybe it's because she agrees. And if she, who is the kindest person I know, agrees, maybe I actually do deserve it."

•Despite all these issues, she was still the person Loki felt the safest around, and a very self indulgent hc I have for them is that they had a special place they would go to when Loki was exceptionally upset. Maybe it was a special room in the palace, or a library, or a garden, or even a little house in some woods nearby. Regardless, they'd stay there for some hours until Loki was feeling better and ready to face the world again.

•At some point Loki decided he was too old to keep needing her this way and that he needed to change that if he wanted to be taken seriously, so he stopped going to said comfort place with her and overall leaning on her too much. She was pretty heartbroken, not only because of that "Damn it, my kid is growing up and changing" feeling that leaves a lot of parents distraught, but also because, knowing Loki too well, she knew that this sudden change came from a place of insecurity and wanting to be taken more seriously by Odin, Thor and his friends, mentors, and pretty much everyone.

•Thor and Loki's relationship as kids was innocent and simple and pretty much what you'd expect from 2 kids who are royals and raised in a culture that values warriors and strenght: lots of competion and sibling rivarly, play fighting, but also a lot of teamwork.

•Thor took his big brother title very seriously as a kid. Yes, he teased Loki a lot, but he was also protective and sweet. Whenever they went on little adventures together, like exploring some place they weren't supposed to go, he'd put Loki's safety before his own.

•This might have been half fueled by Frigga saying "Take care of your brother" whenever they went out to play, or by Odin constanly saying that Thor was the strongest one between him and Loki (see 6th headcanon). Probably both.

•The real problems started in their teenage years, when the golden child vs black sheep dynamic became more obvious. Thor was the perfect stereotype of an Asgardian warrior and king, and was surrounded by friends (and potential romantic partners) who also reached some amazing standards. Meanwhile, Loki was a quieter, more fragile looking and weirder person, with an interest in magic, a different way of fighting, an aversion to most social gatherings and no friends. Most of Thor's friends just tolerated him. Some took interest in him the same way someone would take interest in an exotic animal: they'd listen to him for a while, just enough to see if he really was as weird as he looked, and then leave as soon as they got their answers and their fun.

•This, along with Odin's favoritism becoming even more obvious, really soured Thor and Loki's relationship, leading to some arguments in which pretty cruel words were said by both of them (I might write this).

I could go on but I'm tired lmao. Maybe another day.

Some inspiration was taken from @taw-k and @unityrain24 btw!

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redroomreflections · 11 months ago

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Gentle Hands Chapter Eight

Natasha Romanoff x fem!reader

Summary: Natasha suspects Reader is in an abusive relationship and tries to convince her to leave

8/10

W/c:

Masterlist | General Masterlist

Warning: Domestic violence

Sometimes you don’t know you’re grieving until you’re in the middle of it. Or in the middle of something. One minute you’re pushing your daughter on the baby swing and the next minute you look over and realize there’s no one there but you. It’s an empty feeling. The sensation is hollow, disconcerting, and unpleasant. It induces a desire to retreat into darkness, a pain so intense it feels deserved. Maybe you deserve it. Maybe for separating Kaia from her father, leaving Keith isolated. He depended on you, just as you relied on him. The only thing is he never left. He kept his promises. Even if he broke all of them more than once. He never left you alone. There was never enough time to think. Never enough time to stop and realize it wasn’t what you wanted. But you did right? It’s why you stayed. In an attempt to fend off the loneliness gripping you now, a profound despair coursing through your veins like venom, you stayed.

You endured all he threw at you because, deep down, it seemed preferable to the current state to the life you’re leading now. You sense it coursing through your veins, tightening until it constricts your breath. Abruptly, the knot in your stomach intensifies, and a sharp pain grips you, settling in the lower regions of your stomach.

You pause to take a breath, inhaling and exhaling for a few moments. The pain fades quicker than your thoughts can catch up. This feeling isn't new; you remember it from your early pregnancy days with Kaia. Back then, you'd turn to Google for reassurance, and talking to Keith always brought comfort. He knew what you needed, even when you didn't.

Now, uncertainty clouds your mind. You try to keep track of basic needs – food, shelter, transportation. But it goes deeper. Kaia's well-being becomes crucial; if she goes hungry or falls sick, the fear of losing her to him haunts you. The thought lingers – you might be seen as an unfit mother. The fear sometimes overwhelms you, and you can't shake the idea that your supposed freedom is a facade. Keith might show up any moment, shattering the illusion of safety you've clung to.

Life's twists aren't lost on you. In the past, his presence gave you comfort, and he was your world. Love used to drive you to do anything for him, but now, you question if that kind of love is what you truly want anymore.

You inhale deeply before extending your arms to scoop up Kaia. She's an exceptionally patient toddler, your little angel. Many parents use that term, but for you, it rings true. She's been your saving grace in more ways than one. Your will to live is intricately tied to her existence. You strongly desire to witness her growth, and the idea of experiencing that adorable gummy grin every morning is a source of genuine joy. She's not just a part of your life; she's the heartbeat that propels you forward, a tiny force that adds meaning and purpose to your journey.

Cradling Kaia in your arms, the 15-month-old beams up at you with an enchanting, toothy grin. She babbles away in her sweet, baby language, some of which you can understand, and her innocent laughter fills your heart.

"Mama, food," Kaia demands.

"Food, huh?" You ask, a smile spreading across your face in response to Kaia's adorable request.

Kaia, her eyes sparkling, responds with an enthusiastic, "Yeah, yeah!" Her joyful energy is infectious, and you can't help but share in her excitement for the upcoming meal.

“Alright, let’s get you fed,” You hoist her higher on your hip.

Amid her baby talk, a thought crosses your mind. Inspired by Kaia's playful energy, you consider reaching out to Darcy for a lunch date. With Kaia giggling and gurgling in your arms, the idea of sharing time with your best friend seems more plausible. You should call her.

*************** Surprisingly, you find yourself nervous about meeting Darcy, your best friend, of all people. She's the one you confide in, the person who knows everything about you. Yet, ever since that night at Tony's gala, you've been avoiding her, reluctant to face any potential judgment. It's not that you believe Darcy would criticize you; instead, you anticipate her anger directed at Keith. He's the source of the problem, always has been, and you're finally acknowledging it.

Sitting in a cafe, your leg bounces nervously as you wait. Trying to ease the tension, you observe Kaia happily munching on french fries. Your eyes flutter around the room, distracted by the anticipation of the upcoming conversation with Darcy.

A few moments later, the cafe door jingles, and in walks Darcy, her eyes scanning the cafe until they lock onto you. A wide grin spreads across her face, and she strides over with an enthusiastic, "Hey, you!". You respond with a wave. Her gaze then shifts to Kaia, who's blissfully engaged with her french fries.

Darcy crouches down, her excitement palpable, "And how's this little munchkin?" she asks, reaching out a hand for a high-five. Kaia looks up from her fries, momentarily taken aback, but after a moment, she responds with an adorable smile, slapping Darcy's hand in return.

Darcy chuckles, "Well, hello there, cutie! You must be Kaia. I've missed seeing you." While she may not consider herself a "kids person," the genuine warmth in Darcy's voice suggests she's genuinely pleased to finally meet the little one she's heard so much about.

“You didn’t tell me she was this cute,” Darcy grins as she slides into the booth seat across from you. “I mean look at that face.”

You laugh at Darcy's comment, feeling a wave of relief as the tension eases. "Yeah, she's got that adorable factor going on," you say with a smile, glancing at Kaia, who's now studying Darcy with wide-eyed curiosity. "And she knows it too," you add, your fondness for Kaia evident in your eyes. "How have you been, Darcy?"

“Shouldn’t I be the one to ask you that?” Darcy tilts her head. “I’ve missed you, girlie.”

You appreciate Darcy's concern and a small, grateful smile tugs at your lips. "I've missed you too," you admit, feeling a mix of emotions. "Life's been a bit of a rollercoaster, but having you here makes it better."

“Mushiness,” Darcy comments with narrowed eyes. She analyzes your face and sighs. There’s a subtle shift in her demeanor. “I’m glad you got away from him.”

With a nod, you express your gratitude, "Thanks, Darcy. It was a tough call, but I needed to do it. “

“I have a lot of questions,” Darcy frowns. “I just really want to know if you’re okay. With everything. I know a cafe isn’t the best place to do it but…”

Darcy's frown and the concern in her voice tug at your heartstrings. You appreciate her genuine worry. "I get it, Darcy. And I appreciate your concern. Honestly, a cafe is as good a place as any. Ask away, and I'll fill you in on whatever you want to know," you say, ready to share your thoughts and feelings with the friend you trust the most.

“How long had that been going on?” Darcy asked. “The problems with Keith? We’ve been friends for quite a while now. I never noticed anything. I’m sorry I didn’t notice anything. I just wish there was something I could have done to help. Like, kick his ass or something. I carry a taser you know.”

With a chuckle you respond, “I do know.” You take a moment to collect your thoughts before responding to Darcy's questions. "It's not your fault, Darcy. These things were hidden well. I wanted them to be hidden. The problems with Keith had been lingering for a while, but I guess I got good at putting on a brave face.” You lick your lips. “They started around the end of my last pregnancy. I, um, it was subtle at first. Just backhanded comments or random acts of control. Then he was fine when she was born but after she was a little older I noticed he was more distant. He hit me the first time on our anniversary. Kaia was four months old then," There's a weight lifted off your shoulders, knowing that you have Darcy's support and understanding. This is the first time you’ve ever told anybody this. “He came home late. Later than usual and I was so angry. I was so tired. I had been with Kaia all morning. I had gone out of my way to dress up and have the neighbor down the hall babysit. I just wanted a night with him. I just wanted a night for him to notice me like before. I questioned him on his whereabouts. I wasn’t angry by then. Just tired and annoyed. He didn’t even notice the dress. He just got super defensive. Said he was at work and a meeting ran late. I called bullshit on it. He backhanded me.”

“Wow, holy fuck,” Darcy says before she covers her mouth with a hand. “Sorry, I shouldn’t curse in front of her.”

“It’s fine,” You dismiss. “If she hasn’t picked up anything from all the things she’s heard before then she won’t pick it up now.”

“Seriously, dude,” Darcy shakes her head. “I’m sorry I don’t know what to say I just…that makes me so angry.”

Darcy's genuine frustration resonates in her words, and you nod in understanding. "I know, Darcy. It's infuriating, but it's okay. What matters is that I'm taking steps to move forward. Having you here means a lot, and I know you'll always have my back," you assure her.

“You’re not ever going back to him right?” She asks. “You’re done for good this time? Like I know it’s complicated but… I really want you to be safe. You and the munchkin here.”

Her concern is evident, and you appreciate her straightforwardness. Taking a deep breath, you meet her gaze and respond, "No, Darcy. I'm done for good. It's been a tough decision, but I need to prioritize our safety and well-being. I want to create a better life for both Kaia and myself, and that means moving forward without Keith. That and I think Tony and the guys threatened him a little. Natasha won’t admit it but…”

Darcy's eyes widen, and a mischievous grin plays on her lips. "Really now? The Avengers giving him a friendly talk, huh?" She chuckles, shaking her head. "I guess it's good to have some superhero backup in your corner. But seriously, I'm glad you're taking the steps to move on. You and Kaia deserve all the happiness and safety in the world."

Dipping the teabag into the steaming cup, you appreciate the warmth it brings. Kaia, ever sweet, offers you the muffin you’d been eating, and you break it apart with ease. "Speaking of superheroes in my corner," you begin, "my parents came to the tower. I'm staying in Natasha's place for now, just until I figure things out, and they want me to come home." The words hang in the air, carrying a mix of emotions as you navigate through the support and decisions unfolding in your life.

“Your parents came to the tower?” Darcy seems even more mindblown. “Did they think you would leave with them?”

“Something like that,” You nod. “I can’t at the moment. I don’t want to. I want to be as independent as I can. I just need to figure out things on my own for now. Also, I didn’t tell them about the baby for a reason. It’s just a lot right now.”

“Baby as in Kaia?” Darcy’s eyes widen.

“I’m about nine weeks pregnant,” You reveal. If there’s anyone you can tell this to it’s Darcy.

Darcy's eyes widen in both surprise and excitement. "No way! That's huge news!" she exclaims a mix of joy and surprise on her face. "Congratulations, I think! But I get it, that's a lot to handle, especially with everything else going on. You're a strong woman, though, and I know you'll figure things out. And hey, you've got me for any late-night ice cream runs or baby advice. We'll navigate this together."

“That’s kind of the thing,” You frown. “I don’t know if I should keep it. I mean, with everything going on.”

Darcy leans back, her brow furrowed as she processes the information. "Okay, woah, that's like, major life stuff. “ She looks to you. “I get it. Responsibility on top of responsibility, right? Are you thinking of not keeping it because you think people will judge or because you truly don’t want it?”

You take a deep breath, appreciating Darcy's directness. "It's a bit of both, you know? Back when I was with Keith, the idea of bringing another baby into our toxic mess felt like a trap. But now, things are different. I have Kaia, and I'm navigating this single motherhood journey. Part of it is fear, the unknown of handling two on my own, and the other part is this lingering worry about judgment. It's a lot to take in, and I'm just trying to figure out what's best for all of us."

“I just want there to be a point in my life where I’m sure about things,” You sigh. “I mean, shouldn’t this be something I’m one hundred percent sure about? A baby? I think they should be born if a percent one hundred percent wants it.”

“And do you?” Darcy begins. “Hear me out. Besides you feeling like you can’t do it, and feeling like Keith was wrong, what do you want? What feels best for you? There’s no wrong answer. Well, I guess there can be but what do you want?”

You nod, grateful for Darcy's thoughtful approach. "Honestly, I'm still figuring that out. In a way, it's like I've been conditioned to believe I can't handle it, especially after everything with Keith. But, deep down, there's a part of me that wonders what it would be like to embrace this new chapter. Fear is there, judgment is there, but I want to make a decision that feels right for me. It's just hard to filter through all the noise right now." Your response reflects the internal struggle you go through daily.

You take a deep breath, the uncertainty clouding your thoughts. "Darcy, it's like...I'm standing at this crossroads, and both paths look equally daunting and promising. I can't help but wonder, what if I can do this? What if this little one is meant to be a part of our story, a story that's different from the one I thought I'd live? But then there's this voice, this nagging doubt, questioning if I'm ready for all of it. It's a lot, you know? And I'm just in this fog of questioning, trying to see through it and figure out what feels right. Does that make any sense?" Your words carry the weight of contemplation and the internal struggle as you grapple with the myriad emotions and possibilities.

Darcy leans back, her expression thoughtful. "Totally makes sense," she says, her gaze steady. "You're navigating uncharted waters, and feeling uncertain is okay. This is a big decision, and you've got a lot on your plate already. Whatever you decide, just know I'm here for you. We'll face whatever comes our way, superhero style, right?" She offers a reassuring smile, emphasizing her support and willingness to stand by you through the uncertainties ahead.

“That’s so corny,” You snicker, feeling a bit more lighthearted.

Darcy grins, unapologetic. "Hey, I live for the corny moments. Keeps life interesting, right? But seriously, whatever you decide, I've got your back. Corny or not, we'll face it together." Her playful demeanor adds a touch of levity to the conversation, creating a moment of shared laughter amidst the weighty discussion.“So, you’re staying with Natasha Romanoff? How’s that? How did that even come about?”

"Yeah, staying with Natasha is...unexpectedly good," you respond, a small smile playing on your lips. "She was the one who helped me break free from Keith, offered me a place to stay, and even talked to Tony to get me my old job back. It's been a lifeline. Living with her is like having a silent mentor, and Kaia loves her. Natasha's got this no-nonsense vibe, but she's got a big heart too, you know?" The gratitude in your voice is evident as you reflect on the unexpected support and friendship Natasha has provided during this challenging time.

“Actually, I don’t,” Darcy shakes her head. “Natasha doesn’t usually allow people to get close.”

You nod, acknowledging Darcy's observation. "Yeah, I get that. Natasha is a tough nut to crack. But there's this understanding between us, a shared experience of sorts. She saw what was happening with Keith and didn't hesitate to help. I guess some connections just form in the most unexpected ways." You offer a thoughtful smile, appreciating the uniqueness of the bond you've developed with Natasha during this difficult chapter of your life. “How are things with you and Steve?” You ask to change the topic.

"Oh, me and Cap?" Darcy grins, her eyes dancing with mischief. "Well, let's just say, he's got those old-fashioned gentleman vibes. Always checking in, making sure I'm not causing too much trouble. But hey, we make a good team, whether it's saving the world or just picking out the best takeout for movie nights." She winks, implying a friendship with Steve that goes beyond the conventional.

“So you two are a thing now? I mean I’ve kind of been avoiding everyone so I don’t have any information on well, anything.”

Darcy chuckles, her expression slightly coy. "Well, 'a thing' might be a strong term, but yeah, we've been... testing the waters, I guess. It's all a bit new and unexpected, but Steve's a great guy, and we're enjoying each other's company. Nothing official, just figuring it out as we go." She offers a playful shrug, hinting at the evolving nature of their connection.

“Well, you have me to thank for that.” You slyly grin.

Darcy raises an eyebrow, feigning innocence. "Oh, do I now? And here I thought it was my dazzling personality," she quips, a playful smirk crossing her face. “Thank you, y/n. You’re a gem.”

You glance over at Kaia, her tiny head drooping as she dozes off in her high chair. The soft rhythmic rise and fall of her chest indicate that the cafe's atmosphere has finally taken its toll on her, and the need for a nap has become undeniable.

You share a knowing smile with Darcy, gently reaching over to collect the now-empty muffin wrapper and the scattered fries, silently acknowledging that it's time to wrap up this cafe rendezvous.

“I should probably head back to the tower,” You say.

"Yeah, it sounds like a plan," Darcy agrees, understanding the need to tend to Kaia's nap and your responsibilities. "Whenever you're ready to spill the beans on your decision-making process or just need a friend, you know where to find me. Until then, take care of yourself and the little munchkin." Darcy gives you a supportive smile as you gather your things and prepare to head back to the tower. You move around the table to hug her and kiss her cheek.

You’ve missed your best friend.

Cradling Kaia in your arms, you prepare to head home, grateful for the support and conversation that have made this outing both meaningful and comforting.

*********************

As you settle back into Natasha's suite, the temporary nature of the arrangement crosses your mind. It's strange, living in someone else's space, but you're gradually adapting to the idea. Your parents' departure means Natasha gets her suite back, and you're determined to keep the promise you made to stay in touch with them.

Planning for the future, you're already envisioning budgeting your income and making arrangements for Kaia's daycare. The prospect of someone else caring for her feels unsettling, but you recognize it as a necessary step to help you get back on your feet. These plans mark a path toward independence and stability, a future where you and Kaia can thrive on your terms.

You’re finishing up a few dishes when the subtle beep of the security sensor echoes through the quiet suite, announcing Natasha's return. The atmosphere in the kitchen seems to shift as she ambles in, her eyes casually scanning the room as if searching for someone. You, maybe.

“Hey,” You greet her.

“Hey,” She says back. She moves to sit at the island counter. “How was your day?”The question is posed with a calmness that mirrors the quiet atmosphere of the room, inviting you to share without the need for elaborate words.

You offer a small smile, replying, "It was okay, pretty standard. I met up with Darcy for lunch. Yours?"

Natasha meets your gaze with her usual composed demeanor, a hint of something softer beneath the surface. "Productive," she replies, her succinct words carrying a subtle warmth.

As you hang up a drying towel, you can't help but feel a mild curiosity about Natasha's response. "What does that mean?" you inquire, the question lingering in the air, seeking clarity on the nature of Natasha's day.

Natasha offers a brief, enigmatic smile, her eyes meeting yours. "Just tying up loose ends," she replies, her response leaving a touch of mystery in the air. “Where’s Kaia?”

"Kaia's napping," You answer, a soft smile playing on your lips as you continue with the kitchen chores. The brief exchange carries a sense of normalcy, a routine that has developed in this shared space.

You share this thought with Natasha as you continue your tasks in the kitchen. "I've been thinking about going back to school, like I mentioned before. Maybe a couple of months down the line. It's completely online, so there won't be any more time away from Kaia that's needed," you explain, the idea taking shape in your mind as you consider this potential step toward personal and professional growth.

“What will you study?”

Natasha's question prompts you to consider the specifics of your potential return to school.

"I'm thinking of pursuing a degree in business administration," You share, the words carrying a sense of determination. "It feels like a step in the right direction, you know? Something that allows me to build a more stable future for Kaia and me." The quiet kitchen conversation takes on a slightly more purposeful note as you discuss your aspirations for the future. “Then possibly HR or consulting? I only have like two years left so it wouldn’t take too long. Also, I can take breaks if needed. With the new baby coming and everything.”

Natasha's gaze subtly shifts to acknowledge the topic of the baby, a recognition that holds a weight of understanding. "Considering everything, it's a comprehensive plan. Education, career, and the new addition to the family," she remarks, her words encompassing the various facets of your evolving life. "So, you've made a decision?" she asks, her steady gaze prompting a response.

You feel a nervous energy settle in, and you respond with a self-deprecating half-smile, "More like flipped a coin, to be honest." The admission is accompanied by a nervous chuckle. "I mean, it's a lot, right? The idea of going back to school, handling a job, and now with the baby on the way, it's like juggling a dozen balls in the air, hoping they don't come crashing down."

Your explanation flows into a ramble as you share your thoughts, "But then, I figured life's always been a bit of a chaotic dance, and maybe it's time I joined in. The baby changes things, but it's also this unexpected source of motivation. A reason to push through the chaos and make a better life, not just for me but for them. It's scary, but maybe that's the nature of big decisions, right?" The vulnerability in your words lingers as an open admission of the uncertainty and hope that accompany the choices you're making.

“Right,” Natasha nods.

You share a reassuring smile with Natasha, sensing the need to address the potential concerns about staying in her suite. "And you don't have to worry; I'll be out of your hair soon enough," you assure her. "Tony's getting one of the other suites cleaned up, and he says we could stay there until I find an apartment or something. I've already been looking at a few places, so it should go well," you add, your words carrying a sense of gratitude for the support you've received.

Natasha listens to your reassurance, her expression composed as she processes the information. "It's really no problem having you and Kaia stay at my apartment," she assures you, concealing any potential reservations with a calm demeanor. "And Liho seems to like having company around," she adds, a subtle hint of a smile appearing as she mentions her cat's fondness for the both of you.

You express your gratitude to Natasha, a genuine smile crossing your face. "Well, I like Liho too," you say, acknowledging the bond with Natasha's feline companion. "Seriously, thank you, Natasha, for everything. I know this is just the beginning, but I'm looking forward to getting things together for myself. This stage of grief is hard for me. A breakup isn't easy, but I'm genuinely motivated to get it right this time,"

Natasha meets your words with a subtle nod, her eyes reflecting a depth of understanding. "You're welcome," she responds, her tone carrying a quiet reassurance. "Take the time you need, and don't hesitate to lean on the support around you. We're here for you," she adds, a hint of warmth beneath her composed exterior.

---> next part

#natasha romanoff #black reader #natasha x reader #black widow x reader #natasha romanov #black widow x female reader #natasha x you

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bhobbiel · 6 months ago

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General Analysis Lens

this will not be legible writing but I wanted to get my thoughts down~ and may add/edit

My past analysis is through that lens that Yashiro and Doumeki are foils whose experiences and personalities interact in a captivating way. They both make each other face the most difficult parts of themselves. Being forced to not ignore trauma and unhealthy coping. They both change perminently

Doumeki: No longer as naive/ putting Yashiro on a pedestal. Emotionally protects himself with aloofness (this specifically seems to bring out many different feelings of different readers). *expresses sexuality/desire vs yearning for ongoing impotency (pre time skip). Is forward with sexual desire. Still feels guilt as he describes himself to both Tsunakawa and Yashiro as having "no morals" for basically having sexual desire at all

Yashiro: In the most literal physical way- cannot get aroused like before with anyone. Craves gentleness. Is more aware of his trauma and cannot go back to previous ways of being. Views himself as stuck but in a different way then before... Before he used self effacing "humor" about being a hopeless pervert. Now he is in this limbo and does not know what to do after experiencing emotional intimate sex and having a pstd episode after

This specific aspect is one of the things that makes saezuru a story close to my heart.

As a reader (with my subjective experiences)- it can feel like healing can be this mountain- this more or less linear climb that you can push through. Then there is the shattering moment where you realize it is not. That just doing the scariest thing will not be enough. Yashiro faced the scariest thing possible- it happened-

My words cannot give justice to this part of the story. It means a lot to me. It can feel suffocating when your actions are not enough where there is no top of the mountain beautiful view for your effort. But instead a scrambling lost way of trying something new and different then a linear moment. It can feel terrifying and confusing, and like you are lost. You lost your previous way of being of when you did not fully accept identifying abuse/trauma, you lose the efficacy of your previous (unhealthy) coping mechanisms, and the bravery of facing your fear is not singular nor enough.

I do not view Yashiro and Doumeki as adversaries. I think more than anything- I view Saezuru as a tragic romance, a story that shows trauma in a profoundly meaningful way, about isolation/stuckness, about stitching your past and current coping mechanisms to survive.

But the dramatic push and pull is well written and serves a purpose-- but I am rooting for them yea? I do not think it is realistic (at least right now) to just be vulnerable and express their love and hurt directly to each other. Even the healthiest relationships (where neither is yakuza lol) this is difficult. That level of vulnerability is difficult. Even though they are in this stalemate (that is so visceral as a reader!) they actually have been more vulnerable in a short amount of time then I expected. They are both self protecting, warping things due to their insecurities, being round about , secretive, and passive aggressive about how they ultimately want each other. And are jealous of other people who they are with romantically/sexually.

*but Yashiro also said "I like (it/you)" which is very telling choice of words. And Doumeki is agreeing their bodies are compatible- but more than that Doumeki is more assertive/confident with sex. He wants to look Yashiro in the eyes, he wants immense amount of intimate foreplay, he wants to kiss him. And he does. Doumeki (at this point) shows desire physically. But it so clear as a reader that (due to the beautifully drawn) expressions that this the kind of sex that only happens when you are emotionally invested and care about someone

I read the "villian" as trauma. As this amphorous thing that changes and shifts, even after you work to face it. The yakuza environment to me emphasizes this. The danger of the yakuza environment is just as much as a hurdle for Yashiro and Doumeki's romantic relationship as trauma (admit not as deadly)

It has been interesting to read other people's analysis- who have completely different pov of the characters and their relationship

Of course I am not saying reading Saezuru through (my usual) lens is the only way or best way

But! I guess I want to clarify/write this- to articulate that most of my thoughts come from this POV.

#saezuru analysis #saezuru tori wa habatakanai #twittering birds never fly #saezuru fandom

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baalzebufo · 1 year ago

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HIII. can i just say. absolutely ADORE your gravity falls stuff!! i'd love to hear more of your headcanons (especially abt gideon) (that's my SON)

yes yeeees i was part of the Original Wave of Gideon Enjoyers back when like, episode 4 aired and it was about ten blogs who didnt hate his guts. i mean, i still want to throw him out a window, but I also think he has really interesting character stuff going on that some people just didnt wanna look at bc they hated him! which like, fair, he's a villain, but that freaky little dude will always be one of MY faves, haha

this post got. very long im sorry I had to put a readmore here haha but I haven't had an excuse to infodump about this for ages so here's a couple Things I like Thinking About... also a doodle I did the other night to break up the wall of text below

ok ok to start i LOVE him so much as a foil to dipper (and to an extent ford too) as examples of what the journals/that kind of power and information can do to people. its why im so adamant that he does actually have albinism, even if its not Technically Canon. dipper and ford both have a like, 'physical oddity' about them (birthmark, sixth finger) i think it makes sense for gideons to be his albinism as something that set him apart. all three are 'weirdos', were ostracised to an extent by the world, had that longing for something special or important, and then found it. and its what they DO with that which sets them apart

especially as a foil to dipper like... from time to time in the show, he gets a bit gung-ho about abusing the journals power for his own gain. but he has friends and family to reign him back in. he has more of a moral compass about not wanting to hurt people, generally. dipper never became like gideon did

this is getting into headcanon territory here but, my general summary of gideons childhood is an isolated one. only child, fairly sheltered, had some medical complications early in life which led to a lot of time on his own in hospital, attended school briefly and was subjected to significant bullying. and without a real support network outside of his parents who were very doting to the point of spoiling him because hes their Little Miracle he wasnt exactly well-adjusted even as a kid

but basically, that kid ends up finding this journal and learns about spells and evil artifacts and suddenly he has the power to make people like him. not only that but Fear him. he goes from feeling powerless to an absolute ego-trip. and his only close relatives would never tell their little boy 'no' about something, so they're not disciplining him in any way. its a perfect storm for a disaster to happen

it stems from this childish desire to go 'look at me im important and special and everyone likes me' and hes become so embittered already by people being dicks that he doesnt care if he hurts people on the way

that only really changes when mabel shows up and is the first person in town to approach him from a like... normal level. shes nice to him but not in the overly-saccharine and doting way his fans are, just in the way a girl who wants to be friends is. she treats him normally and is nice and he thinks she's pretty and that ALSO becomes a perfect storm of 'well shes nice to me and i like her so i must be in love with her and she is with me!' and, of course. kid who has never heard the word No before. so the later rejection becomes a HUGE sticking point and grudge to the point of being flat-out murderous

later in life with a little Introspection i think he'd realize it was less love and more just. basically imprinting on the first person to be normal and kind at him in years

UM. I should wrap this up i have so much in my brain. gideon was one of my earliest roleplay muses i'd write and draw with my pals, so I subjected him to a LOT of personal characterization stuff and also making a thousand AUs for fun. (aus always come in two flavours either its 'im going to make you marginally more well-adjusted' or 'im going to make you so, SO much worse')

ive got a soft spot for con-men and fake psychics and generally shitty little weasels and gideon just stormed into the show being a jerk with an aesthetic i adore and i was like ahhh. i want to punt him. hes my favourite.

ok im going to shut up now. last minute headcanon. gideon got into wood carving in prison art therapy because using a knife to stab something in a non-murder way helps soothe his urges. he whittles little people figurines

✨

#THANKS one day i'll write up my gideon backstory properly. so I have it in a formal location but now is not that day #so you get sparknotes version of my characterization thoughts #should i put this in the tag? um. yeah ok sure.#gideon gleeful #alloyart #also in my art tag for the doodle #i realize most of this was observations rather than like specific headcanons but shh whatever

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dasha-aibo · 8 months ago

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This is gonna be long and rambling, but it's something very personal, so strap in, I guess.

My "trans awakening" was in the mid-00s, back when a lot of language was not set, the community was atomized and it was just not an Accepted Thing To Be.

Back then, you had to scour shady self-hosted websites to get in touch with anyone. But because I was not ready to go out of the closet, I mainly lurked. And, because I was a horny teenager, I consumed a lot of "magical gender transformation" erotica.

Being trans overall was rough back in the mid-00s. Trans men were basically invisible and trans women were assumed to be either predatory drag queens, parodies of women, or demure housewives.

To this day I feel uneasy around drag queens, through no fault of their own. I didn't want to be a parody of a woman. I didn't want to be loud and over-the-top and exaggerated in femininity.

I just wanted to be Me, but a cis woman.

True, I probably would've allowed myself a more feminine expression than I even allowed myself during my brief skinny and on HRT stint. But I would've still acted and had the same interests as myself.

Now let's get back to that pesky erotic fiction.

Mostly I consumed written erotica. There was just more of it and with the lower entry barrier, it was easier to find. It was also, for the most part, garbage.

There were four main types of stories. The Bimbofication, the Stepfordication, the one-off stint and The One I Actually Liked.

Bimbofication and the one-off were mainly sex-based. Focused on the pleasure you would experience in the woman's body and how much you would be driven mad with lust. Obedience and shame kink were also pretty heavily involved.

The Stepfordication went a step further and involved a complete mental shift into a 50s housewife stereotype, complete with a pregnancy fetish.

I never liked those. They never spoke to me and, frankly, grossed me out. They had the same general vibe as the drag queens I feared. An adoption of shallow stereotypical femininity and an embracing of all the sexism that came with it.

The few stories I actually liked were more thoughtful. They never destroyed the protagonists' personality and even if the newly-acquired womanhood influenced them, it was more subtle and never radically changed them. Oftentimes it was about the internal struggle, the acceptance, the contemplation, with some sexy times thrown in.

What can I say, I was in my teens.

But those stories were rare. And as the time went on and I tried interacting with more trans people, I found that the majority of them I found online kind of aligned with the first three types more. I felt alienated and withdrew into myself.

Then the 2010s came. I was an adult, I had my own views and my own very complicated relationship with gender. And I saw a wave of very young, for the lack of a better word, punk people, treat being trans as a fun game of dress-up.

I lashed out. I was an asshole to them, when I didn't need to. I felt like they were making a mockery of my complicated journey of self-acceptance.

I made a some transmed friends. Mostly angry trans dudes, who loved slinging shit with me. But then the community fell apart. Some of it was just people getting exhausted. Some, like me, realized the pettiness and the pointlessness of it all. Some did a 180 and went full TERF.

And, once again, I was left alone.

To this day, it's hard to me to interact with other trans people. Especially trans women. I feel othered and alienated, because their experience doesn't resemble mine. Regardless of how much erotica I consumed, it never was a fetish for me. I just... Tried to explore my sexuality, while accepting that I can't be called a cis straight men, like the society expected me to identify.

I don't fit in with the old, I don't fit in with the new.

I just feel isolated and I don't know how to break this.

All through the lens of my horny teens, 20 years ago.

Being an adult trans person sucks, kids.

#trans #trans woman #dasha vents

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alliskit · 6 months ago

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BG3 Headcanons Nobody Asked For.

Part 3: Enneagrams.

If you’ve never heard of the Enneagram, it’s a personality type system. You can learn more here.

I love the Enneagram (helped with some serious family healing) because it is in-depth, but I’m gonna to do a little “fly-over” of each type and who I feel best fits each. Feel free to give other types you think each embody!

The layout: Motivations // Core Fears

Enneagram 1: Minthara

Want to be right, to strive higher and improve everything, to be consistent with their ideals, to justify themselves, to be beyond criticism // being corrupted, defective

She is deeply upset that she broke her oath to Lloth, even if it wasn’t her fault.

Instead of seeking Lloth for forgiveness or redemption, she believes that she is too corrupted and would rather be an oath breaker than face her old goddess.

She does not like being wrong

Is often right which justifies her desire to never be seen as wrong

She is organized, orderly, and fastidious; maintains high standards — earned her place as the grey warden

She is critical and perfectionistic (cue my fave companion analysis conversation lol)

When first out of the cult she is moody and angry (and a bit irrational about her vengeance and her circumstances)

As she grows, you get ‘silly’ Minthy, the drow comedienne (“it was a beautiful webbing” lol)

Enneagram 2: Shadowheart

Want to be loved, to express their feelings for others, to be needed and appreciated, to get others to respond to them, to vindicate their claims about themselves // being unwanted, unworthy of love

“My Lady Shar must love me”

Not to mention her feelings of insecurity being reinforced by the stupid rats in shar’s temple: “unworthy!”

She is the mom/nurse companion, thinks her servitude is how she will be wanted

Acts aggressive and stand offish (leaning into 8 stress response) when feeling threatened/angry

She starts off prideful, deceptive, and self-deceptive and grows to be self-sacrificing, nurturing, and generous

As she grows she also becomes more comfortable in herself and finding ways to express herself outside of others (new hair!)

Enneagram 3: Gale

Want to be affirmed, to distinguish themselves from others, to have attention, to be admired, and to impress others // being worthless

50% of romance arch is him trying to impress you so much you pick him despite you consistently romancing other characters

Other 50% is him trying to impress you with trying to be a god so you will stay with him

Someone made him feel worthless as a kid so he summoned a fireball and a tressum and then finally got attention from a goddess so now he has to continue to prove his magic is worthwhile

After being cast out by Mystra, he doesn’t recognize it’s because he basically tried to give her the weaves version of a Trojan horse virus instead of him being “deficient” or a “failure” in some way. Sadly, the dumbest wizard in the realms solidifies this belief by saying “you know where you failed”

He was the definition of apathetic and disengaged the year in isolation (3s need people badly) when he was taken and started healing he embodied what he had always wanted to present: authentic, compassionate, and more easy going.

Ambitious is the name of the game! He would be the god of all 3s.

Enneagram 4: Astarion

Want to express themselves and their individuality, to create and surround themselves with beauty, to maintain certain moods and feelings, to withdraw to protect their self-image, to take care of emotional needs before attending to anything else, to attract a “rescuer” // have no identity or personal significance

Despite having not seen his face in 200 years and having only attention because of it you’d think he rather be ugly so he isn’t used for his body but nope he needs to be reassured that he is in-fact still gorgeous

A terrible combination is a narcissist abuser and a partner who will do anything to hold onto a sliver of themselves

“I called on all the gods but no one answered”; willing to entertain new kinds of slavery (basically prostituting himself to tav from his pov, entertaining Raphael, and the tadpole) if it meant being saved

All about the ✨aesthetic✨

At his worst he does things to manipulate to keep people close (believing they won’t stay otherwise) and is moody and violent (emotional turbulence of getting approvals and disapprovals almost at the same time sometimes lololol)

At his best is balanced, introspective, and vulnerable (vulnerable in a way that's not to garner sympathies/manipulations)

He starts off very hopeless, self-destructive, and very indulgent (has addictive tendencies for coping; Minthy's observation is excellent), taking everything personally and is paranoid

Is a creative (embroiders!)

Enneagram 5: Jaheira

Want to possess knowledge, to understand the environment, to have everything figured out as a way of defending the self from threats from the environment // Being useless, helpless, or incapable

She is epically tired and living in survivor's guilt in a leadership role, so she will seem like an 8 taking charge (this woman is a researcher and explorer with a sense of justice, just take a look around her incredible study!)

Secretive and independent are the titles of a 5 and she embodies both. Once again: her basement lair.

She stuck it out for 20+ years in the Shadowlands because she is a problem solver and won't leave until the problem (Ketheric you wrinkly ass) is solved. (Also someone explain to me how she is gone for 20 years yet 2 little human kids know her like she's their mommy? Come on larian....)

She is high strung and intense, yet an inspiration. There is a reason even Halsin is in awe. She is a force. He had to leave to survive, yet she was the one who found Isobel and created a safe haven. This woman might feel useless and isolated, but she is resourceful.

She is the ultimate defender, which makes her the best Harper. She studies her opponents before she attacks and she uses her warriors like chess pieces who rarely fail. The Harpers are known to be efficient because she is efficient. She wastes no lives. She needs them all.

Enneagram 6: Wyll

Want to have security, to feel supported by others, to have certitude and reassurance, to test the attitudes of others toward them, to fight against anxiety and insecurity // being without support and guidance

They are known for being the ultimate friend and buddy. They are the ride or dies. Wyll is the companions' favorite.

He is engaging not because he was socially trained, he is that way naturally.

He is both rebellious, but also not a risk taker. He defied his father to be warlock, yet won't hop on the tadpole train for power. There has to be a positive payout for the risk.

He can be one the of the most encouraging, but also one of the meanest.

He wants to be recognized. He likes his moniker. He will act like it was gifted to him, but he leans into it and hides behind it arrogantly. ("My friends call me Wyll", so everyone else has to know him as the Blade FIRST.) He thinks it hides his true failure, which is that he has to depend on a devil for any of the power his moniker gives him. ("A story of two men" when you find out he's basically a prince... as if that is a bad thing. Gods. Face palm.)

He is wary of authority figures and most literally chose to be his own authority by becoming the Blade and not the next Ulder.

He is a champion of the people, the bards aren't being paid by his PR team. 6s fight injustices big time. They may not defy EVERY authority, but they will stand up to them to help others (8s take a seat you're coming...)

In a safe space, he is laid back and fun. (Dancing with tav around the fire!)

6s do a really good job at saving face during stress, even if they are crumbling inside. (He totally is and I highly suggest you don't let his dad die.)

Enneagram 7: Karlach

Want to maintain their freedom and happiness, to avoid missing out on worthwhile experiences, to keep themselves excited and occupied, to avoid and discharge pain // being deprived and in pain

Karlach wants to taste, touch, see, smell, and hear everything life has to offer.

Getting trapped in Avernus was literal hell for her. It is an empty place where she was on a leash. Getting to literally touch grass is life-giving.

She can endure a lot, but if she could just turn it off, she would.

Her screaming "I'M FREE" even if Zariel is hunting her (versus Astarion's constant paranoia despite also being free)

She struggles with impatience and impulsiveness. She literally runs from her fears.

With growth she leans into true contentment, even if it means living in Avernus.

She is overtly optimistic even in the face of death (would rather die than go back to Avernus and is willing to back it up with wanting to use her time left to live to the fullest even tadpoled)

Enneagram 8: Lae’zel

Want to be self-reliant, to prove their strength and resist weakness, to be important in their world, to dominate the environment, and to stay in control of their situation // being harmed or controlled by others

Unlike Minthara who knows she has weaknesses, but has to overcome them, Lae'zel believes that she has to do everything to never be weak. She can't abide weakness.

Githyanki are conquerors and she must dominate all her foes and cirmcumstances.

They fight against oppressors (ghaik) to stay in control. She will fight Vlakkith once she realizes her queen is just another controlling oppressor.

You have to roll a wisdom or persuasion check to get her to be vulnerable or else she's not unless you're romancing her. And to romance her, you have to let her dominate you or you show your dominance. Literally.

She keeps things close to the chest until her proverbial armor begins to melt after the incident at the creche. She is terrified underneath it all. She is about to become the thing she hates most and her own people would rather kill her. She is no longer worthy of being alive. She stood her ground and made her place in pursuit of becoming one of the greatest only to be made weakest by the tadpole.

She starts off being completely self-interested and isn't willing to help others, but by the end, she is using her talents and self-confidence to save her people and the Sword Coast (she deserves a line like Shadowheart about "you know who I never cared about? Desperate people.")

Enneagram 9: Halsin

Want to create harmony in their environment, to avoid conflicts and tension, to preserve things as they are, to resist whatever would upset or disturb them // Of loss and separation

When asked if he will miss being First Druid and his answer is "Gods no!" is on brand 9. They make fantastic leaders, yet would rather not deal with the politics of it all.

He, like Karlach, is a runner. Even though he wrapped his avoidance in a "I must cure the shadowlands" bow, he saw a chance to get out of the Enclave's issues he felt he couldn't fix to go somewhere he felt he would be needed more.

A big complaint of Kagha's is that Halsin was inattentive. He was disengaged. He was clocked out internally while trying to give everyone what they wanted to "keep the peace". Only 4 other druids in the busy grove are against Kagha on this.

He defers responsibilities to have his own peace. He asks a lot of the companions for his own quest, while not joining them on theirs (I know this is a Larian issue, but there are so many lines with Halsin that are "Wait, why am I doing this for you?" and "Is he finally joining us?" indicating he was just chilling while the rest adventured)

He spends most of Act 2 trying to make up for a major loss. He clings to tav because he doesn't want to lose them too. The more he grows with the group, the more autonomous and self-assured he gets. Especially after reuniting with Thaniel.

He becomes one of the best and beloved companions as he heals: 'Optimistic, reassuring, supportive: have a healing and calming influence—harmonizing groups, bringing people together: a good mediator, synthesizer, and communicator.'

I know I left Minsc out but he’s a 7 from what I can tell! He’s a fun add on companion, but I’m going to omit him from this line up.

This was A LOT. But such food for thought. Thank you for enduring my mindFULL imaginings this time. This could have been so much more detailed but it's already so long.

#enneagram #bg3 #baldur’s gate 3 #bg3 headcanons #astarion #karlach #gale dekarios #shadowheart #laezel #minthara baenre #wyll ravengard #halsin #jaheira

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