#but it doesn't matter because he's graduating and will probably be moving away

[writingwithciara]

It's The Little Things ~Nico Hischier~

summary: y/n is unaware of how nico feels about her, until quinn brings it up

word count: 3.3k

pairing: nico hischier x reader

notes: nico is so precious and doesn't get as much love as he deserves ❣ so here you go nico girlies. hope you enjoy! [jealousy & some mention of sexual content at the end]

masterlist

y/n met quinn in the library at school. quinn was the only one there who didn’t judge y/n for constantly studying and trying to keep her grades up. he was also the only one who would stay and help her when the rest of her study group decided to ditch whatever they were working on to go to a party. no matter how many times she told him to go, he insisted on staying.

he became her best friend and she was his biggest supporter, on and off the ice. so when he was drafted to play for the vancouver canucks, they were both devastated. y/n still had a few years at school and couldn’t join him, but she was proud of him nonetheless. she promised to stay behind and look after luke when he decided to attend the university of michigan. and although she graduated the year before luke was drafted, she still stayed in town to keep him company.

when he was picked 4th overall for the new jersey devils, y/n went with him to newark where they found an apartment that was an affordable price for the both of them, with luke working off his hockey salary and y/n pitching in with whatever she could from her job as a waitress.

after almost a year of living together, they both decided that in order to save a little more money, that they would both move in with jack. and that was fine, for a while. but then the pandemic hit and they were spending too much time together. the boys started getting into more and more ridiculous arguments and it culminated with y/n deciding to find a new place to live. they all agreed that it was for the best, as it would save their friendship.

and it was convenient because their teammate nico was looking for a roommate. y/n didn’t know him very much but she moved in with him anyway.

3 years later, and nico was her favorite person. she felt bad for replacing quinn but he constantly assured her it was okay. he also tried to convince her that the main reason she preferred nico was because she had feelings for him, which she denied every chance she got because she truly did not have feelings for him. there was no reason she needed to have feelings for him.

until there was.

after quinn tried to convince her the last time, y/n started noticing all the little things nico did for her. he would bring her back her favorite snacks after practice and he would run her a bath when he knew she had worked a double shift. he would leave her surprise notes all over the place and he would send her motivational texts whenever he could. when he was on the road for away  games, he would call her or facetime her whenever he had a chance & if he couldn’t, he would send her a text to check in.

he bought her flowers ‘just because’ & he made sure she got the best seats at any of the home games.

she may not have had feelings for him but it was starting to feel like he had them for her.

---

“so what did your boyfriend do for you today?” quinn chuckled as soon as y/n accepted his facetime request.

“he’s not my boyfriend, quinn. we're just roommates.” y/n rolled her eyes. “and he doesn’t do these things every day. just when i'm having a particularly tough day. well that’s how it used to be. but lately, it’s been happening more and more. i'm starting to think that nico might have feelings for me.”

“yeah, probably. he asked luke about you when you guys met but luke didn’t give him the information he wanted.”

“what did he ask about?”

“he wanted to know what your status was. if you were seeing someone or not. but luke wouldn’t tell him.”

“if luke knew all of this, why did he and jack think it would be a good idea to live with him?” y/n set her phone down and looked at the apartment door. nico was supposed to be home shortly and she wanted to make sure he didn’t hear any part of the conversation.

“because they’re idiots, obviously. maybe they were hoping you guys would get together by now but it doesn’t seem like it’s going to happen any time soon.”

“he’s my best friend.”

“ouch.”

“okay he’s my alternate best friend.” y/n smiled. “what do you think of me being with nico?”

“i honestly think you guys are good for each other. it's like you’re each others missing piece or something.”

“quinn, i obviously love him. but it’s not like that. maybe we are soulmates, but i believe it’s only on a platonic level.”

“call it what you want but i do know that your dynamic with him is way different than your dynamic with me.”

“how so?”

“he does things for you and i just don’t.” quinn chuckled.

“that’s because you just suck, hughes.” y/n smiled. she heard the door open but before she could hang up, nico appeared behind her.

“hey quinn.” he waved and then turned to the table behind him, producing a fast food bag.

“i'll talk to you later. bye huggy bear.” y/n quickly hung up and turned to face nico. “what’s the occasion?”

“nothing special. just thought you’d be hungry & i know you haven’t had a good burger in a while so i stopped by that diner you love and got you a burger and some fries. oh and one of those specialty milkshakes and a slice of cheesecake for desert.”

“it’s from tops?”

“yes ma’am.” he smiled, knowing he had just made her day.

“you are the best roommate ever, nico!” y/n threw her arms around him and hugged him tightly.

“i know.” he hugged her back just as tightly and was reluctant to let go but he knew he had to let go eventually so she could eat.

that was the night that y/n started seeing nico differently. she stopped seeing him through her ‘platonic glasses’ and started seeing him with the ‘heart glasses’. there was no way she could tell quinn though.

the next few nights were lonely since nico had to go to a handful of away games. the apartment was empty, quiet and it lacked nico’s presence. y/n couldn’t stand it.

just as she walked into his room to look for his favorite sweater, her phone rang in her pocket. she picked it up and immediately answered when she saw his request for a facetime.

“hey. how's the trip?”

“it’s nice. we won last night’s game.”

“i know. congrats on the goal, by the way. i screamed so loud when it happened and i think our neighbors hate me.”

“that’s impossible.” he smiled. “nobody could hate you.”

“miranda might.” y/n heard jack say somewhere in the background.

“who’s miranda?”

“she’s a girlfriend of one of the guys. she's not very big on any of the single players hanging out with a girl. she doesn’t believe that a guy and a girl can be just friends.” nico chuckled, suddenly seeming tense. “i gotta go but it was nice to see your face, love. i'll call you tomorrow afternoon, okay?”

“okay. good luck tomorrow.” she smiled and when nico ended the call, she let out a breath she didn’t know she was holding. something about the call seemed a little off and she needed to get down to the bottom of it.

it was another few days before y/n heard from nico. she sent him a bunch of congratulatory texts after the team won 3 games in a row, with nico scoring at least once in all of them. she even tried calling him but it went straight to voicemail every time.

on the night the devils were set to be back at home, y/n got ready in her custom hischier jersey and the coat he got her for her birthday. luke called her just as she was about to leave.

“hey lukey boy. what's up?”

“just excited to see you. i miss you.”

“awe. well i miss you too.” y/n smiled. “can you put nico on?”

“i would love to but i have no idea where he is right now.”

“okay. just, um, let him know i called and wished him luck tonight.”

“are you coming to the game?”

“of course.” she smiled again. it was hard not to smile with luke. he was sunshine. “gotta cheer on my 2 favorite players in the league.”

“hey, i heard that!” jack shouted from behind the camera. he suddenly appeared but he had a smile on his face, meaning her comment didn’t offend him. “i'm sure quinn wouldn’t be too happy to hear that either.”

“i can have more than 1 favorite player, jack.” she shook her head. “but seriously. good luck to all of you tonight. can't wait to cheer you guys on.”

“can’t wait to see you.” jack waved goodbye before disappearing off camera. luke just chuckled and looked back at his phone.

“we gotta go. see you shortly?”

“you bet. bye luke.” y/n hung up and grabbed her keys. the arena wasn’t far and the weather outside was nice so she decided to walk to the game.

when she got to the arena, she showed her id to security and they let her in, shielding her from fans. she made her way to her reserved seat and noticed a brunette sitting in the seat beside hers. the girl looked up at her and smiled.

“hi. i'm miranda.” she held her had out and y/n shook it before taking the seat next to her. “are you here for luke?”

“no. well, yes. but not just luke.” she watched as the players began skating out onto the ice to practice. she waved to luke and jack as they passed by the glass.

“oh. are you jack’s girlfriend then?”

“what? no. just a former roommate and really good friend of some of the team.”

“oh. that’s awesome.”

“who are you here for?”

“my boyfriend is on the team.” miranda watched the players until she found the one she came to see. y/n watched as the all too familiar 13 skated by them. he waved to miranda and caught y/n’s eye before looking down and skating to where jack and luke were. “that’s him. isn’t he so cute?”

“yeah. totally.” y/n watched as nico kept glancing up at the 2 of them.

down on the ice, luke noticed nico’s change in attitude. “dude, what is going on with you lately? first you ignore y/n for days with no explanation then you have your girlfriend attend the game, knowing full well that y/n would be here & also knowing that miranda doesn’t like her already.”

“she’s not my girlfriend, luke. just a fling.”

“a fling for what? what’s the point of breaking 3 hearts at once?”

“you know why i need this.” he glanced over to the stands and only saw miranda. she smiled at him and blew him a kiss but he just waved back. “what do you mean 3 hearts? the only hearts that are going to be breaking are mine and miranda’s.”

“in case you haven’t noticed, y/n has feelings for you. i can guarantee you’re breaking her heart and making it worse by ignoring her and keeping secrets from her.”

“yeah right, luke. there’s no way. y/n and i are just roommates. she's made that point about a billion times.”

“believe what you want, but we have a game to win, nico.” luke skated over to the bench while nico took his spot on the ice. he constantly looked over at the stands to see if y/n was there. she was but he noticed she was wearing a different jersey than the one she arrived in.

after seeing nico interact with miranda, even if it was brief, y/n suddenly felt wrong for wearing his jersey number while sitting next to his girlfriend. so she went and bought a 43 jersey instead and quickly changed into that, shoving the hischier one into her bag. when she returned to her seat, miranda looked at her.

“cute jersey.”

“thanks.”

at the end of the 2nd period, the devils were up by 2 and they were playing really well. y/n looked down as jack and luke looked up at her. nico waved to her but before she could wave back, miranda was waving instead. nico smiled and looked at his teammates. y/n pulled out her phone and pretended she was just checking her messages.

“hey, i gotta head out. can you tell nico that something came up and that i'm sorry & i'll see him when he gets home?”

“yeah of course. it was nice meeting you.” miranda and y/n waved goodbye to each other as y/n left the building. the air was a lot cooler than it was when she walked to the arena. thank god her coat was able to keep her warm.

she walked into the apartment and quickly turned the game on. the game was almost over and the devils were now down by 2. y/n suddenly felt bad for leaving, having been told by jack, luke & nico that she was their good luck charm. but nothing could make her stay at the game.

when the final buzzer went off, signaling the devils had lost, y/n clicked the tv off and headed to her room to change. she would normally do something to comfort nico after a loss but she figured that since he had miranda now, he wouldn’t need her to do anything to cheer him up.

about an hour later, y/n was in her room when she heard the door slam shut. rapid footsteps could be heard in the hallway before they stopped outside her bedroom door. y/n knew it was nico just by the gentle knock.

“come in.” she set her book down and sat up straight as nico walked in.

“why did you leave?”

“it didn’t feel right being there. your girlfriend doesn’t like me and even though she was being nice, i could tell it was fake.”

“so you left? since when has one person not liking you ever stopped you from doing something?”

“when the person is dating my best friend & doesn’t like me, that’s where i have to draw the boundary line, nico. keep my distance as much as possible to convince her there’s nothing going on between us.”

“she’s not convinced at all. she yelled at me after the game because she didn’t get the right vibe from you. she also asked me to ask you to move out.”

“you’re joking right? unbelievable. un-fucking-believable.” y/n got off her bed and grabbed a bag.

“what are you doing?” nico approached her and tried to slow her down but she kept throwing clothes into the suitcase.

“what does it look like i'm doing? i'm giving you space so you can keep miranda. in the meantime, i'll just stay with luke and jack. no big deal.”

“yes. very big deal.” nico grabbed her wrist gently and halted her movement. she dropped the tshirt she was holding and looked at him. “i don’t want to be with miranda. i made sure to tell her after the game & that’s when she yelled at me. assumed it was because of my commitment to you.”

“there’s no commitment. we're just roommates, nico.” y/n went  to grab the packed bag but nico stood in her way.

“before you go, i need to ask you something.”

“what?”

“do you really believe we’re just roommates? or do you feel a connection too?”

“no idea what you’re talking about.” she went to move around him but he held her in place by placing his hands gently on her shoulders.

“why is this so difficult for you to grasp, y/n?!”

“what are you talking about?” y/n sighed.

“i’m talking about the fact that i have been in love with you for the last 2 years and i thought i was making it obvious when i would do all those things for you. like, what type of roommate buys flowers for the other person for absolutely no reason? what type of person leaves notes for his roommate to find? what kind of guy would draw a bath for his roommate after she got home from a double shift? what kind of person would drop a significant other if they even said one bad thing about their roommate? a person who has no idea how to express his feelings with words, that’s who. i am that type of person, y/n & i need you to believe me.”

“why couldn’t you just come out and tell me how you felt, nico?”

“i told you. i’m not good at using my words when it comes to feelings. but i like you. i like you a lot. and admittedly, using miranda as a way to get over you was the stupidest thing i've ever done because it didn’t work.” he looked down at y/n and sighed. “earlier at the game, i think i felt my heart break like 4 times.”

“what do you mean?”

“well, the first time my heart broke was when i saw you looking upset when you met miranda. the second time was when i saw you had changed out of your hischier jersey and into a luke jersey. made me feel like crap for some reason. the third time my heart broke was when luke scored, you cheered louder than anyone but when i scored, you didn’t get as excited. and the fourth time was when the team lost. i looked up at the stands to see your reaction, only to find that you had left. you never leave the games and when miranda told me you were gone, i got upset and she yelled at me for caring more about he fact that you were gone more than the fact that she was there.” nico reached for y/n’s hand and sighed. “i am so sorry for everything, y/n. miranda meant nothing to me because whenever i was with her, i was thinking of you.”

“i love you, nico. and i’m sorry for not noticing the underlying reason behind all the things you did for me. i thought it was just what a good roommate would do. and i didn’t do anything for you. which i now realize makes me a terrible roommate.”

“you’re not a terrible roommate, y/n.” nico placed his hand on her cheek and smiled. “you’re always there for me when i need you & you always do something to cheer me up if my team loses. you're the best roommate, whether you believe it or not.”

“but you lost tonight and i didn’t do anything for you.”

“you just being here is enough, trust me.” his eyes flicked down to her lips before traveling back to meet her gaze. he didn’t waste anymore time. nico closed the gap and placed his lips firmly on hers. y/n kissed back quickly and pulled him closer.

as the kiss deepened, all of their jealousy was swept away.

nico placed his hands on her waist gently as he laid her down against her mattress. he hovered above her and she tangled her hands in his hair, biting his bottom lip in the process.

his grip on her waist tightened and a low groan came from his mouth as she gently tugged on his hair.

“how do you always look so hot after a game?” y/n asked as she broke the kiss to take a breath.

“only after a game?” he raised his eyebrow.

“oh shut up.” she smirked and pulled him back in. she flipped them over so she was straddling him and nico gazed up at her with he most amount of love he has ever had. or was it lust this time? he didn’t care as he pulled her down for a night neither of them would never forget.

------

taglist: @worldlxvlys @heavenlyhischier @chrisloyalgf @lhughes43 @ijustreallylovethem @captainboomaray @eberles

[theglitterypages]

JJK MEN PRESENTS: What kind of woman they'd fall in love with and how they would fall in love. Featuring Toji Fushiguro/Zenin

•Judging by Toji's history with women in the canon verse, I believe that Toji's type of woman is the woman that is like Megumi's Mother.

•Let's put it this way, Toji left his clan broken, misunderstood and he had no one to make him feel what love really is.

•After he left his clan, Toji was a sugar baby, that's for sure. Older women loved this man and even if Toji didn't really like that part of his life he had no choice but to use his body to survive.

•Toji was more used to handling older women, he knew how to please them and as he got older, a woman at the same age as him just doesn't seem like a good fit for him.

•Toji has given up about finding true love because of this, so he just kept on accepting clients to clients and survive, as long as he's not back to that shitty clan, he'll be fine.

•That was when Toji met an innocent, young lady who only sees the good in life. He has no idea why he was even interested about whatever you do in life. You moved in at the unit next to his, you just graduated from college and you have a decent job, but Toji thinks that you're too nice.

•He first saw you when you were talking to the old man who lives across your unit. Toji just received a call from his client, and as he locks his door, he couldn't help but listen in to your conversation with the old man.

°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°°

You were busy talking to the old man across your unit, he was talking about how he loved the cookies you baked last time. You gave jars of cookies to your neighbors when you moved in and you appreciated that this old man loves it. "Thank you for the kind words, Choji-san! Don't worry, I'll make sure to save a jar for you once I baked another batch." You smiled. The old man smiled back and held your hands. "I'll look forward to it." he said as he caress your hands for quite some time, you weren't uncomfortable but you didn't want to pull away because you realized that he was a man who lives on his own he's probably missing his daughter or something.

Toji narrowed his eyes at the way that the old man was eye-fucking you while he was holding your hands. It's obvious that you have no idea what kind of a pervert this man was and Toji wanted to step in but your phone rang and you excused yourself to the old man politely and made your way to the parking lot.

Toji gave a firm look at the old man and the latter immediately entered his unit. Coincidentally, your car was parked next to Toji's, and even if he promised not to mind something that's not related to him, he couldn't help but want to give you a warning.

"Oi, Unit 27..." since he doesn't know your name, he just decided to call you by your unit's number.

You turned upon hearing a deep voice behind you, you recognized the man living next to your unit and you smiled. "Hey, good morning Unit 26." You giggled a bit.

Toji was taken aback by the warm smile and your sweet voice, it's no wonder that the old man can easily get away from being a perv with you, you look too innocent.

"You should choose who you befriend wisely." He said before he climbed up his car to go to his client's location.

It was obvious that you didn't get Toji's warning and he decided to take matters into his own hands for some reason.

He started matching his schedule with yours, sharing little moments of short chitchats and bumping into each other at the convenience store nearby. Whenever Toji is around, the old man won't make an attempt to talk to you and he made sure that he wouldn't have a chance to.

Toji wasn't sure when did he even start falling in love with you, all that he remembers and realizes is the fact that he seemed to forget anything bad whenever he's with you. You look at the brighter side of life, you're nice, you're sweet and you're too innocent for this cruel world.

Toji realized that he didn't want your innocence to be taken away from you, he wouldn't want to see that sweet smile of yours to fade, and he realized he wanted to be the one to protect that smile of yours.

His life was all about his own survival but this was the first time that he wanted to care for someone, he never knew how to because he never felt cared for before. But you showed him how, making sure he's not eating take outs, you wouldn't fail to check up on him from time to time to see what he was up to, your eyes sparks whenever he sees you.

Before he even knew it, you became the center of his life.

"Toji-san?" You waved your hands in front of Toji when you realized that he's been quiet for a long time. Toji snapped out of his thoughts and he realized how close you were.

You smiled when you finally got his attention, but blushed when you realized how close your faces are, you can see the scar on his lips up close, and for some reason, your body moved on its own.

Toji felt your warm hands touch his scar, he froze, but you gently traced the scar on his lip that he almost forgot how he got it in the first place. It was a living evidence of his family's cruelty, of how he was abused and treated like a trash.

But the look on your eyes makes him forget all of that, his hands found their way to your waist and he gently placed you onto his lap, your hands still busy tracing each of his facial features.

You softly gasped when he held you tighter and you blushed, stopping yourself from touching his face. "I'm sorry, Toji-san. I got carried away." You tried to stand up but Toji held you close.

"Drop the honorifics, doll." He breathed out.

"D-Doll?" You asked, not sure if you heard it correctly because all you could hear was the fast beat of your heart.

Toji smirked and nip your chin in between his fingers to tilt your head so he could see you better. "You look like a doll sitting on my lap right now. You're tiny and pretty." He said before pinching the tip of your nose.

You were scared, not because of Toji but because of your own feelings. You don't know if you're supposed to feel this safe in someone's arms, is it right to desire to caress his face and be this close to him every time you have the chance?

Whenever you're with Toji, he makes you feel safe, love, and cared for. You want nothing but to ease that tensed jaw of his, to bring sparks in his eyes, and if it's even possible take away everything that hurts him.

Toji could read the look in your eyes, you were silently begging and longing. He decided to be the one to take the risk and close the gap between the two of you.

The moment that he felt your lips against his, Toji could swear that this is what heaven feels like, he couldn't hold back his smile when you tried to keep up with him.

He made sure to kiss you gently and slowly, because he wouldn't want this to end anytime soon. Kissing you was not a job or something but his whole life depends on it.

When Toji pulled away from you, he let his forehead rest against yours.

"I love you, Doll."

[feelbokkie]

Love Risk | Chapter 8

pairing: Hyunjin x fem reader; Changbin x fem reader

genre: smau, dating because of a bet, crack, angst, fluff, university au

pov: 1st/2nd person (depending on how you view it)

warnings: swearing, things get pretty steamy (not smut but close but there is a thin line so maybe minors dni?)

summary: Hyunjin and Changbin make a bet to see who can make the reader fall in love with them first. Will one of them be able to succeed or will it all crash and burn before they do?

word count: 2,822

screenshot count: 19

©feelbokkie (2023) — all rights reserved. reposting/modification of any kind is not tolerated.

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"Thanks for helping me with the class today. I really didn't want to disappoint the kids." You say as you and Hyunjin finish cleaning up the dance studio.

Your plan of having everyone continue to pretend that they forgot about Hyunjin's birthday was working out well. Surprisingly, nobody had let it slip. Or, if they did, Hyunjin is a really good actor. You felt bad at first acting like nothing important was happening today. Hyunjin is dramatic, but he's not the type of person whose going to remind you that it's his birthday if you forget, he's rather have you figure it out on your own and then ice you out later.

"My pleasure. I actually had fun. I didn’t think teaching dance would be fun. Your students are really good." He grabs both of your bags and his new dragon pillow and waits for you at the door. Little does he know, that's his birthday present.

"Thank you. They were good when I got here, I'm just glad I haven't been holding them back. I didn't think teaching dance was for me at first, but I was 18 and needed money and this pays the bills." You double check the studio before joining Hyunjin at the door.

"And now? What do you think of teaching dance now." Hyunjin opens the door and you turn off the lights.

"Hmm... It's possible but probably not for a while. I wanted to join a dance company and then eventually open a dance studio but now that's probably not going to happen." You try to grab your bag from Hyunjin as you two leave the studio but he moves it away from you.

"Why not?" You try to grab your bag again, instead Hyunjin slips his free hand into yours.

A year ago, Hyunjin and you would barely have a conversation in passing in your apartment, but lately you two have been spending more time together. This week especially. It was mostly to keep him out of your apartment while everyone planned the surprise party, but it was also for you. Things were still awkward with Felix after your argument on Sunday. You were kind of annoyed with Ae-Cha and Min-Jun after your meeting with the president of the university and you're not as close with everyone else in your friend group. You were somewhat close with Seungmin, but not enough to go to him when you were feeling down. Not only did you have to worry about your new found celebrity, something that the skz boys were mostly familiar with after becoming popular a few months ago, but you also had numbers constantly calling you. Some were recruiters from other companies and talent scouts. Some were unknown numbers with Australian area codes that you were afraid to answer. Stress was overwhelming you again, but when you hung out with Hyunjin, it all seemed to fade away.

"Did you hear that President Park Ji-young himself called Cerberus to his office on Monday to offer us a contract?" You sigh, your brain taking you back to his office when he told you.

"Oh my God, that's amazing! Why aren't we celebrating? Cerberus and Stray Kids, JYP artist and none of us have graduated yet." You subconsciously squeeze his hand.

"I'm not entirely sure it's what I want. I'm going to be stuck with that contract for a while and then it won't even be just dancing. I know it's what Cha and Jun want but... Anyway, it doesn't matter. We have a trial period before we can officially sign anything anyway."

"If you don't want to do it, don't." He says bluntly. It takes you aback, you almost trip over a bush.

"It's not that simple. Cha and Jun want this and the president wants to sing all three of as a unit." Hyunjin pulls your hand and forces you in front of him. You look up at him, he had a stern look on his face. His brows are slightly furrowed and his mouth is turned down.

"I've watched you for the past 2 years running around accommodating everyone at your own expense. Hell, last week you were so stressed I thought you were going to collapse during class at one point. Don't sign your life away just to please two of your friends. If they're really your friends, they'll understand." He kisses the top of your head and drags the two of you in the direction of your apartment, leaving you dazed.

He's practically dragging you home with how fast he's walking. If you didn't know any better, you'd say that he was embarrassed and trying to get home as soon as possible. For whatever reason, he refuses to let go of your hand.

"Why are you being super serious today? It's very un-Hyun-like of you. What's wrong?" You ask as you two start climbing the stairs to your apartment. You live very close to the dance studio, which works out for late night classes or if you need to run a routine and don't feel like going all the way to campus.

"I didn't want to say anything, but I'm feeling vulnerable today." He says without turning around. You pull out your phone and quickly text everyone that you're coming up the stairs.

"Tell me what?"

"Today's my birthday, but it seems that everyone forgot." He signs, still refusing to show you his face. You're right outside the door to the apartment. You pull out your keys with your free hand.

"Oh my God," You turn the key, "today's your birthday? I wish I knew. I would have at least planned something," You turn the doorknob and slightly push the door open.

"It's okay somehow. At least I got to spend the day with you," He says before walking into the dark apartment. When you shut the door behind you, the lights flip on and all of your friends jump out from their hiding places.

The party was in full swing. Chan was playing music from his phone and Felix hovered near him. Jisung, Min-Jun, and Changbin were constantly near the drink table while Minho took it upon himself to serve the dinner he made. Ae-Cha, Seungmin, and Jeongin were playing games on the switch we all pitched in for last year as an "investment." You were playing Mario Kart with them before you decided that you had enough and walked towards Minho.

Before you could even make it to the table, Min-jun walked in front of you, cutting you off. He's clearly drunk, you're almost certain he started drinking before the party even started.

"Jun, didn't I tell you to stay away from me--" You're cut off by Min-Jun throwing his hands around you and burying his face in your neck. He's much taller than you so he has to awkwardly crouch down.

"I'm so sorry, Y/N! I didn't mean any of what I said this morning." He sobs.

"Junnie... It's okay, I didn't mean what I said either," You chuckle, stroking his back. He pulls away and puts his hands on your shoulders.

"No, I mean it. You're more than just a visual. You're really talented and in honesetly, I was jealous of all the praise you were getting. If I'm being completely honest, Cerberus would be nothing without you and Hellhound wouldn't have been possible--"

"Min-Jun, I forgive you. I promise. I'm sorry for what I said too. You pissed me off and hurt my feelings. That's not an excuse, but I truly am sorry."

"D-does that mean we can be friends again?" He uses his sleeve to wipe his tears.

"I wasn't aware we stopped."

"Okay, cool. I'm going to get another drink. Come with me?" He tries to pull you towards the drink table.

"I'm good, Junnie. Just switch to water for me?" He salutes you and stumbles back to Jisung and Changbin.

"Let's do karaoke!" Ae-Cha shouts from the couch. She must have lost again and wants to switch to something easier. You quietly nod your head before sneaking out the front door.

You close the door behind you and let out a deep breathe, leaning against the door and closing your eyes. When you open them, you nearly jump out of your skin when you see Hyunjin in the corner of your eye sitting on the floor.

"Holy shit, you scared me." You put your hand on your chest to settle your heart before walking towards him to sit next to him. You watch as he quietly shuts his sketchbook and puts its on the other side of him.

"Sorry, I needed some space from the party and my room felt too close." He says, putting down a pencil on top of the notebook.

"What's wrong, don't like the party?" You asked worried. You didn't know if you completely ruined his birthday with your plan.

"No, the party is fine! I love it, actually. Thanks for it by the way, Chan hyung told me how you all forgot but then you remembered and planned everything."

"You're welcome. Why are you hiding here though?" You lean further into the wall and watch the busy street that was outside of your apartment. Cars of people probably going home drive past you.

"I just needed a break from others. I love you guys, but I had a lot of human interaction today and my social battery is drained."

"I'll go back inside so you can recharge in peace." You start to stand up and Hyunjin's hand finds yours.

"I don't mind being out here with you though. Stay with me?" You quietly nod your head and settle back against the wall.

You two sit quietly for a while, staring at the cars and people walking below. Hyunjin's hand doesn't leave yours.

"Why did you come out here?" He asks suddenly.

"Same reason. I was fine with being around everyone else, but then Cha suggested karaoke and I realized I was entirely too tired and sober for that right now, so I came out for some air." Hyunjin quietly nods and you two fall silent again.

You two watch the last of the sun disappear across the horizon, covering the city in darkness. The lights from all the cars and other buildings move like stars, calming you somehow. The walkway light kicks on, adding a strange yellowish, blue glow on you and Hyunjin. The air was cool, but after spending a few hours in an overcrowded apartment with your drunk friends it felt nice.

"Did you not like me before." Hyunjins randomly asks.

"What?"

"We've know each other since we were first years, and then we moved in together last year but I think this week is the most time we've spent together." He rambles.

"No, I didn't have a problem with you, Jinnie. I did have a crush on you for a bit if that makes you feel better." You bit your lip, chuckling at the memory of your little crush that not even Felix knew about.

"Had? What happened?" He nearly shouts. You laugh and turn to face him, his mouth was open in shock and his eyes wide.

"I started living with you." His mouth twitches into a smirk.

"You had a crush on me when we first moved in together?"

"I did! I thought I was going to have my very own wattpad moment. Instead, I got the ick watching you avoid eating eggplant like a toddler."

"Not this again!"

"Jinnie, they're good for you!"

"They tasted horrible! And the texture is gross."

"So, do you still think I'm gross?"

"I wouldn't hang out with you if I did. I think you're growing on me." You stare at his face, taking in every feature. The mole under his eyes, how soft his eyes look, the curve of his nose, how pink his lips are--all of him.

"You're growing on me too," He mutters. For a second, you think his eye looked down at your lips. But as quickly as you blink, his eyes are back staring at yours.

"Jinnie wh--" Your breath catches in your throat as you watch Hyunjin slowly lean in closer. His eyes gently close, and he keeps moving in. He only stops when his lips touch yours. He stays there for a few seconds before he slowly pulls away.

"What..." You blink a few times, unsure if he actually kissed you or not.

"I like it when you call me 'Jinnie.'" He sheepishly smiles, not breaking eye contact with you.

"Uh huh..." You keep replaying the moment in your head. His lips are softer than you've ever imagined. You want to kiss him again.

"And I kissed you because it's my birthday." He says seriously.

"S-somehow I find it hard to argue with that logic." You're still not thinking properly. Somehow, a simple peck on the lips made you malfunction.

"I've been wanting to kiss you all day. All week actually. So happy birthday to me, I guess." He finally turns his back towards the street away from you.

***

It ended up getting colder and the two of you went inside. Everyone was drunker than when you left them. Half of the group was singing karaoke from their phone in the corner with a microphone Ae-Cha won during last year's white elephant while the others were playing Mario Kart. None of them seemed to have noticed that both you and Hyunjin had disappeared from the party, and none of them cared that you came back. You went to your room and Hyunjin followed you.

You two decided to watch a new drama together while relaxing. Joining the party as it was would have been more of a chore than fun at the moment. Hyun had gone to his room to change his clothes while you changed and set up everything with the mini projector you had.

You two were now laying down in your bed watching a new romance drama that you honestly have no idea what's going on. You were very aware of how close Hyunjin was to you right now. Your head was on his chest and your knee was partly on his thigh. His arm was around your waist and his hand was on your thigh, tracing small circles on the exposed skin from your shorts. Not even a full week ago the two of you were in this exact same position and yet, something was different. There was an unspoken question looming between you. You couldn't stop replaying the kiss in your head. You couldn't stop thinking about how his lips felt against yours. You couldn't stop thinking about how you wanted more.

"Jinnie..." You say softly.

"Hmm...?" He hums, not looking away from the show.

"I kinda want to kiss you again." You whisper, not wanting him to hear you in case you embarrass yourself. He tilts his head down towards you and smirks.

"Then kiss me, princess." He says quietly. Your eyes find his lips and you stare at them for a second before sitting up a little bit and leaned in.

Your lips eventually found his. His lips are soft, almost like silk, and pillowy against your own. Warmth filled your chest like someone lit a fire. Hyunjin leans in closer, deepening the kiss. The combination of the warmth coming from Hyunjin, his cologne that had mostly faded away, and the smell of strawberries from the soda he was drinking moments earlier were making your head spin and your stomach turn.

His tongue gently swipes across your bottom lip, softly begging to be let in. You eagerly part your lips, allowing his tongue to slip in. You relax in his arms. You right hand lands on his chest. You slowly pull yourself up and straddle his hips, making yourself more comfortable. He leans further into the headboard, letting you take a bit of control. His hands land on your hips. He pulls you in closer, forcing both of you to breath heavily as your lips press closer. It was almost like you two needed each other to breathe.

Eventually, Hyunjin pulls away and attaches himself to your neck, nipping and sucking down on your sensitive skin and using his teeth, leaving a small trail to your collarbone. You softly moan, only vaguely aware that all of your friend are on the other side of the door. His grip on your waist tightens as he suddenly flips you two over. Your back is now pressed into your bed and his knee is now in between your legs. He meets your lips, needing to breathe you in again.

"Is this completely necessary?" He asks, fingers fiddling with the hem of your shirt, slightly lifting it up.

"Depends,"

"Oh what?" He smirks before attacking your neck again.

"If we do this, you have to agree that there are no strings attached."

"No strings attached. I promise,"

—

Buy me a coffee?

—

Tag list:

Red means that it wouldn't let me tag you

@marcillfll @https-skzology @minhoesss @tattywood @everglowdaisies @vampire-junhui @lukeys-giggle @hyunightt @kpopsstuffs @thisisnotjacinta @anaelunassecretbox @jaydebow @dandycharmer @143hyunes @tenmii

[krisdreaming]

you’re my favorite writer for kuroo and all of your content is so fluffy :’ i’m so so glad to see that you’re back!! do you have any general kuroo fluff? maybe university student kuroo? 👀

tysm, you're so sweet!! Ahh I'd love to do some college bf!Kuroo headcanons :') I mayhaps got a bit carried away...

Even though you're busy college students, Kuroo just has this knack for doing these tiny little every day gestures that are so sweet and genuine, and really show you how much he cares

For example, he walks you to class every chance he has, even if he has to race across campus afterwards to get to his own class on time

And he always gives you this sweet little goodbye kiss

He picks up your favorite treats and makes sure you always have something to snack on between classes to keep your energy up

Somehow he manages to sneak these little notes inside your notebook where you least expect it, whether it's just some goofy little inside joke or a cute little message about how much he loves you

You'll literally be sitting in class and flip open to a fresh page and find a terrible little cat drawing and a note about how purr-fect you are - please, he's so corny

If you have any classes together, he will be SO competitive about your grades and honestly will be lowkey offended when you do better than him on a test or assignment - but he's also a lil proud too ngl

If he notices you're on social media late at night before an early class, he'll text you to get your butt to sleep right this instant

The fact that he's also still awake is irrelevant

But speaking of late nights, if you don't need to be up early, you'll usually end up in one of your dorms cuddled up together watching a movie or show

Every once in a while, you'll fall asleep before it's over, and he'll just get caught up in watching you sleep with this goofy smile on his face. These are the moments that he likes to whisper really softly how much you truly mean to him and how happy he is that he found you.

STUDY DATES IN THE LIBRARY, only most of the time, you end up in fits of giggles and everyone glares at you until you leave

The moment it starts getting cold, you wear his sweatshirt everywhere, to the point that he asks if you actually own any clothing of your own

(he will never ask for it back, though)

When things get really hectic and you've both got lots of studying and work to do, he still does his best to plan these mini dates where you'll meet up for a quick cup of coffee or a walk around campus to take a break from your work

He probably also plays some more casual intramural volleyball, and even though he insists that it doesn't matter, you go to as many matches as you can - he loves looking over and seeing you watching him in the stands :')

Afterwards he wraps you up in this huge, kinda sweaty hug and squeezes you so tight because he loves you so much

Basically, no one is surprised when you end up moving into an apartment together after you move out of the dorms and then when he proposes very shortly after graduation

[hangmansgbaby]

Pucking Finally T W O

Masterlist

"And I think that our best course of action."

I listened to a total of maybe 2 words the entire time Nat spoke. She just looks so beautiful in the dress she's wearing. The rehearsal dinner is tonight and Nat is just… wow. I mean I've always known how gorgeous she was, but damn she really did look amazing in that romper. The tan color matched perfectly with her skin tone and the shape perfectly accentuated her body. And the way her hair is framing her face? Showcasing her gorgeous brown eyes and glittering smile? She's breathtaking.

"Javy?" Nat interrupts my thoughts. Shit. She was looking at me expectantly.

"Sorry, Natty," I laugh awkwardly. "Run it all by me one more time please."

Her eyes narrow slightly. "As I was saying--" Yea I missed it all again. She's very distracting, looking like this. Ending this weekend is going to hurt so much more than when she walked away after graduation. "We all good?" Nat asks.

I flash a smile, standing and straightening my shirt. "Yep."

"Can you repeat anything I just told you?" She asks and I can't help but laugh at how annoyed she is.

"Relax Natty. This will go smoother if you take a moment to breathe." I grab her but the shoulders, lightly rubbing them to loosen her up. "I promise, no one will know, okay?"

"You don't know that for sure. Oh god what was I thinking?"

"Nat! I got this." She starts to settle in my grasp as I pull her into my chest. "Everything will be okay."

I regretted those words the minute we walked into the restaurant for the rehearsal dinner.

"Javy! Oh it's so nice to see you again!" Nat's mom greets me as soon as she spots me. My eyes trail behind her to the man standing there with a frown on his face. I could feel Nat tense beside me and immediately squeeze her hand, as she relaxes I release her to shake hands with her parents.

"Hi Mrs Trace. It's nice to see you again." I turn to her father, whose frown has not changed. "Mr. Trace."

"Oh please, honey, I told you to call me Nora."

"Of course, Nora," I smile at her before continuing. "How have you been?" I ask, offering my arm to escort her to the table.

"Doing much better seeing you two together again." Her says pointedly. "Where have you been lately, Javy?"

"Well as I'm sure Nat probably mentioned, I play hockey for the LA Kings now, Nora. Keeps me pretty busy up in LA." I explain.

"And you still treat my daughter pretty well while living 3 hours away?" He father speaks up.

"As well as she'll let me, sir." I nod. I look down at Nat and her eyes scream that this wasn't apart of the plan she gave me earlier. I look back up at her father, Danny, almost like were in a staring contest.

"Well that sounds like our Nat, doesn't it honey?" Nora asks her husband.

His gaze never breaks mine as he says, "Sure does, dear." I laugh softly before turning back to Nora.

"Here, let me get your chair for you." I offer, leading her around the table.

"Oh you're too kind." Nora sits and before Nat can sit, I'm over pulling her chair out.

"After you." I smile at her and she laughs. It's a genuine one, but still light and naturally as if she's not stressing right now.

"Thank you, Javy." Nat tells me, smiling up at me as I move to sit next to her.

"No problem, Natty." I say as I return the smile.

The rest of the dinner goes smoothly in my opinion. Although, I constantly felt like someone was watching me and Nat closely. I couldn't stop glancing around the room, searching for the eyes burning holes in the back of my head. But no matter where I looked I didn't see anyone who could have possibly done that.

When dinner ended, we started leaving and I kept an eye out, but nothing happened. Maybe it was because of the sheer amount of people to Nat's paranoia was rubbing off on me. Either way, Nat and I bid her parents good night and I walked her to her room. Once inside the room she turns to face me.

"Thanks again for coming with me."

"Of course, Nat." I reply. It makes her smile again.

"Good night, Javy." She whispers.

"Good night." I reply and she closes the door. "I wouldn't have missed this for the world." I say to myself, still facing her door. I sigh and turn around, moving into my own room.

Taglist: @mamachasesmayhem @sarahsmi13s @kmc1989 @daggerspare-standingby @callmemana

[thaliaisalesbian]

i get myself twisted in threads

Chapter 23: and you'll still believe?

Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10, 11, 12, 13, 14, 15, 16, 17, 18, 19, 20, 21, 22, 24

For someone who says he doesn't want or need Hopper's help, Steve spends a lot of time thinking about Hopper.

Steve only waits as long as it takes to lock the door, then he’s running for the kitchen. Jonathan had left something on the stove. He has to act as normal as possible. He’s lucky Jonathan’s car wasn’t out front, he’d be in real trouble then.

Eggs. Thank god Jonathan had been making eggs. He can manage eggs. He’s made eggs with a broken arm before. 

All he has to do is pretend that he’s been making breakfast. That he’s been here the whole time.

That nothing happened.

He wants to hate them for coming home this weekend.

Why now? They could have come home any other weekend.

They could have come home when Hopper called to tell them that he’d been declared missing. He’d only done it because he had to, because Steve is a minor and legally his parents had to be contacted. He’d put it off for as long as possible, only in part because the Upside Down was involved.

(Steve should probably try and figure out how much Hopper knows, how much he’s guessed. But he hasn’t had the energy to worry about it. Clearly, he knows enough, and he’s not asking Steve questions that he doesn’t want to answer. As long as it stays that way, Steve’s not going to risk ruining things.)

They probably should have come home then, if only for their image.

Even with how it must look, they hadn’t. They hadn’t come home then. They hadn’t even sent money to help fund a search or whatever. Hadn’t pleaded for his return, promising a ransom or a reward to whoever found him.

They hadn’t come home when Hopper had called to tell them he’d been found. When Hopper told them—or rather, left messages with his mom’s assistants— that he’d been severely injured and would have a long recovery.

He hadn’t been important enough to come back for. He hadn’t even been important enough for them to pick up the phone themselves.

They probably wouldn’t even show up to his funeral, if it had come to that.

Why now? Why today?

continue reading or finish on ao3

Why change their schedule for him? It clearly hadn’t mattered to them earlier. He’s never been their priority.

He tries to pretend that it doesn’t hurt. That the sting is long gone, the splinter coaxed out with tweezers or tape and the wound healed over.

He’s even gotten good at faking it. But really, every time they do something like this, every time they don’t call, don’t come home, don’t even pick the phone, it drives the splinter a little deeper. Every time he thinks he can handle it, it starts to split the wound open again, oozing blood and fluid as healing is interrupted over and over and over.

He wants to hate them. He probably should hate them. He thinks Hopper would encourage it.

(He thinks Hopper wants him to throw the towel in and just move in with them already, but he can’t do that to them. El’s a growing girl who needs her space, even without taking into account her powers. The cabin is small as it is, and he doesn’t need to be taking more of Hopper’s attention away from her.)

He doesn’t know why he can’t. He’s long since given up any hope that there will be a day when they want him, that there ever was a day when they actually wanted a child, any child, and didn’t just have one because it was how things were supposed to be. You graduate, you marry your high school sweetheart, you have at least one kid, the more the better.

As much as he wanted a sibling growing up, he wouldn’t wish his parents on anyone else. He’s glad he’s their only kid, as lonely as he had been.

“Do you want breakfast?” He thinks he keeps his tone even when his parents walk in. “I’m making eggs, I can crack a couple more in the pan.”

“No, thank you. We ate on the way in.” Mom’s hand brushes his shoulder, and he knows she can tell he’s sick. Probably shouldn’t even be up, let alone cooking over an open flame.

But he is.

Because they’re never here.

Because they weren’t supposed to be here in the first place.

If they weren’t here, he’d be having a nice breakfast with Jonathan and Nancy right now, not standing here trying to ignore the way his head has started spinning when he moves.

“I heard you’ve been missing school.” His dad doesn’t bother with pleasantries. It’s not his style, unless he’s trying to make a deal.

He’s never trying to make a deal with Steve. Steve doesn’t have anything he wants, and they both know it.

If it hadn’t always been this way, that might hurt a little more. But even when he was a little kid, this is how his dad spoke to him. He’d said that it would make him smarter, that it would give him a mind for business.

Things might be different if some of it had stuck.

“I'm going back tomorrow. I was hurt pretty badly, and I had another concussion. I’ve been doing makeup assignments, but the doctor—”

“I don’t care what the doctor said, or any of that injured bullshit you’re trying to pull. You’re a Harrington, you show up to school looking presentable every day no matter what’s going on. You know that.”

“Chief Hopper did say he was kidnapped when he called.” His mom says. It’s the most standing up for him she ever does. Normally, it doesn’t do much. Today, it might save him.

“That’s a different circumstance. And where is the chief now?”

“At work.” Steve answers. The chief before Hopper had been paid off. Hopper hadn’t caused them any problems until now, but now he knows his dad is going to try something.

He remembers when Hopper first moved back, when he was little. His mom had told his dad to ‘give a grieving man time’ before he approached him and paid him off.

Steve doesn’t know if Hopper would have taken the money then.

Now, the Hopper he knows won’t take the money, but that just means that his dad is going to try and get him out of his position.

For all the pull his dad has with the mayor, though, Steve’s pretty sure Hopper has more. Money talks, yeah, but at least Hopper’s around more than a few times a year. At least Hopper does his job here.

Plus, he’s pretty sure that people will be unhappy if someone else is chief. Especially if it’s an out-of-towner who takes over. If his dad doesn’t get his way, that’s what he’ll try. Get someone who doesn’t know Hawkins the way Hopper does, pay them off, and it’s handled.

“I’ll have to stop by the station tomorrow, have a chat with him. Get some more details about the situation. Why weren’t you admitted to a hospital?” This he has an answer for. They’d talked about this in regards to his cover story.

“Chief Hopper didn’t want anyone to try and kidnap me from the hospital, so he brought a doctor in and kept me hidden until I was more stable.”

“Why don’t you ask the chief about it tomorrow, dear?” His mom says it mostly to have something to say, he thinks. It’s not like his dad is going to go now. He could, probably, Hopper would be there, but he won’t.

He wants to deal with Steve first. Damage control, that can come later, but dealing with Steve always comes first.

“I suppose I’ll have to.” Steve doesn’t turn around—doesn’t have to see their faces to know what expression his father is wearing. “In the meantime, Steven, you finish your breakfast and then meet me in my study.”

Steve doesn’t want to finish his breakfast, now. He already knows it’s just going to come back up. But he’ll be in more trouble if he doesn’t, so he forces himself to chew and swallow each bite. He doesn’t taste a thing, and it takes more effort each time.

While he eats, his mom inspects her wine cabinet—not to see if anything is missing, Steve learned that lesson a long time ago—and selects her vintage for the day.

He uncorks it for her silently. This is a routine they’re both familiar with. She pours a bit, sniffing at it, before offering him a taste.

It’s a dry wine; the texture doesn’t seem to wash off of his gums even as he swallows four, five times after the wine is gone.

Satisfied, Mom pours herself a very generous glass, already picking another, cheaper bottle for later.

Steve pops the cork on that one, too, but doesn’t take it all the way out. She’d manage it if he didn’t, but it’s their routine.

She always gets drunk when Steve’s dad asks him to meet him in his study.

The rest of the time they’re home, she’s painfully sober.

<- 22 24 ->

[slickshoesareyoucrazy]

Reminding Me of Me

The past several weeks have been filled with a lot of uninvited family drama involving and basically created by my brother and his wife. J and I have been unfortunately and a bit involuntarily recruited to help subdue this drama. Of course, I don't want my brother's life to be unhappy and complicated, and J and I want to help alleviate those things when and if we can, but this suffering is almost entirely self inflicted. It's been very frustrating, especially considering the solid historical pattern of my parents using me to make my brother's life easier/better, and the historical pattern of all of them overlooking and dismissing me and taking me for granted. As I told a friend privately earlier this week, since my brother has been born, I've always been called upon to serve him or ignored in his favor.

My brother was born, and when he was 3 months old (I was 11.5), my grandmother, the person I was closest to in life to that point, passed away. In addition to the obvious, practically debilitating grief, I was also forced to leave the school district I'd grown up in to attend middle school somewhere more convenient for my parents (but mostly because of my brother). I didn't get much if any emotional support for any of this, because my brother was a newborn, and he outranked me. I became my brother's surrogate mother almost immediately. My mom worked 60-80 hour weeks, and when my dad went to work (once I was out of middle/high school for the day) to his second shift job, I was left solely in charge of my brother until my mom got home from her supposedly first shift job (but she regularly worked 12 hour shifts 5 days a week and some weekends, and brought work home with her too). I sacrificed a lot of social life opportunities and even one academic opportunity in order to fulfill the responsibility of caring for my brother. I attended a local college to continue doing this. I left my first job early if my brother had an emergency or if he needed to be checked on; not my parents. When I was a new mother, after a previous traumatic pregnancy loss, my parents didn't give me much support because that's when my brother was graduating high school and starting college, and he needed them then. More than I did, they presumed. On my 40th birthday, my brother moved in with his girlfriend (now his wife). We all spent the day (and were expected to spend the day) packing boxes and moving furniture for them. No one really even acknowledged that it was my birthday. This wasn't the first year my birthday was ignored, and it also wasn't the first year I was expected to cater to my brother's girlfriend (now wife) on my birthday. The year before that, I was told to change the restaurant and the time of day we'd go out as a family because 'she doesn't want to get ready that early for brunch.' When my brother got married, my mom cried at his wedding and his reception...she barely showed any sort of emotion at all at mine. My parents gave my brother a rehearsal dinner that was nicer than his wedding; helped do all of the 'wedding' stuff; were very involved. All they did for J's and my wedding was write a couple checks (that we cut as low as possible without offending people to be easier on them).

Now, I am getting ready to go back to work outside the home part time, for the first time in 10 years, and I have a minor surgical procedure coming up in a few days. My son just started 10th grade 2 days ago, and as everyone reading here probably knows, the start of 9th grade was nearly catastrophic to his mental health. My parents and my brother and his wife are aware (at least nominally) of all of these things. But the past several weeks have been spent solely focused on my brother and his needs instead (I know, big fucking surprise).

So I've been thinking the past couple weeks that I'm having flashbacks of living back at home with my parents, where I just don't even seem to matter, and my brother gets 100% of their care, support, and attention, and I'm expected to shift 100% of mine to him too. Over the past week or so, I've even asked J and my son questions like, 'You're real, right? Our life together is real? You're my real husband/son? We have a house and a dog, right? All of this is real, right?' Because I have to remind myself that I do exist, I do matter, I have built a life where I matter and am noticed and valued; a life separate from all those old expectations and shitty feelings of being ignored and overlooked and used. And last night, J and I went on a motorcycle ride while our son was with my parents, temporarily distracting them from the depressing and anxiety inducing concentration on my brother (my mom even admitted a few days ago that this is the first time in her life she's ever felt anxiety). J took me to the small town I spent my Pre-Brother childhood in. We visited with my godfather, probably the most consistently supportive adult presence in my life who's still alive. We only talked about our family and my godfather...not my brother at all. It was nice. We didn't do our normal 'date night' routine because of my upcoming surgery; in fact the date night wasn't our idea; it was my parents', because they 'needed' time with our son to like...have some stress free enjoyment and pride in their grandchild (for a change). But it was still a great date night. J helped remind me of me. That I am a person who matters, and me mattering is unrelated to my brother and my parents, and how I can be of service to them, or what their connection to or opinion of me is, in any way.

It felt really good to be reminded of me. I was a person of value and consequence before my brother came along. And I am a person of value and consequence now, in my own built life and my own family, without him. I'm me. And I matter. And it's sad that I have to remind myself of that still. But at least I can be reminded.

[animeyanderelover]

21/25. This character was picked by me.

Tw: Yandere themes, unhealthy mindset, unhealthy relationship, possessive behavior, obsession, stalking, clinginess, delusions, jealousy

Yandere Kuga Terunori Hc's

🥘​Kuga has to only see his darling passing by him once before he's already completely struck, it's love at first sight for him. A worshipper without a doubt, he looks at his darling as if every star in the universe is inside their eyes and he adores everything about them, even things they're insecure about. He definitely is delusional, convinced that you like him but are more shy and embarrassed to admit it so it's easy to twist words and actions of dislike into something else. It escalates to the level where he tells others that you two are dating and his behavior certainly doesn't help those rumors. Very obsessive, he is on edge when you aren't with him and wants to know where you are. If he has got his hands on your number expect him to spam you with calls and messages where he whines for you to come back. The male comes over as insensitive since he wants to know more private secrets of you quickly and is convinced he has the right to know as your "boyfriend".

🥘​Clingy and possessive. His darling discovers quickly that Terunori is terribly touchy, his hands always locked around your waist or his cheek rubbing against yours like some sort of tame cat. You'd be a bit startled to know that he's quite territorial despite being a social individual. What do you expect from a attention seeker such as himself. He attempted a few times to stalk you but this is an art he can not master since he's prone to explode when he sees someone else being very close to you.

🥘​Since I already mentioned that he is an attention-seeker it is self-explanatory that he naturally dislikes anyone who takes your attention away from him. He grows squirmish in a matter of seconds which is noted by you with his grip tightening around you and trying to win your attention back. He won't have much of a problem to interfere if he doesn't know the person and he ends up mocking them a lot with a gleeful grin on his face. He manages to be confident despite his jealousy since he knows of his privileges as one of the Elite Ten. He's less of a dickhead when he is around people he knows and respects, though he's still highly annoying and extremely pouty for being ignored by you. Let's see how long you can endure him smothering you before you snap.

🥘​His status is somewhat intimidating already, not to mention that he is a little asshole around those you know but he doesn't. A Cooking Battle should settle the matter if he's still in the academy since he stands at the top for a reason. Kuga is a terribly competitive individual after all, eager to prove to his darling that he is the best so he makes it his goal to beat anyone who you seem to like in hopes of eventually having you acknowledge him. He also uses his men to scare competition off or anyone he views as a problem. His rather playful mockery disappears once someone actually bullies you or hurts you in any way though because the fun stops there completely and he might as well start bullying them. He abuses his power, probably ends up forcing them into a Cooking Battle and will demand a high price in case he should win.

🥘There's never been much of a question that his darling and him will live together right after graduating and he is saving money already for a pretty house. He's terribly pushy with his dream he envisions in regard of your shared future and protests go through his ears. Your mouth will only start hurting if you try to reason with him. It's quite scary how unshakable his delusion is and Terunori won't give up on his pestering at all. If he has to force you into moving in with him, he won't have much of a problem since it's all in the name of your future together with him.

​🥘​I think that is a given in Food Wars but there is an immense thing of pride going on when it comes to his darling enjoying his food and he wants to be the only one to cook for them. Kuga is fuming when you prefer the food of someone else and indefatigable to create something more delicious. Loves feeding you and he's all too smug if you admit that you crave his food and want him to make some for you. Repay him with a kiss and he'll make you whatever you want. He's a sucker for your affection and especially loves to lay his head in your lap. Bonus if you start playing with his hair. Wants to marry you badly soon after graduating and for the better or the worse he tells you about this fantasy of his. Overall a huge sucker, he doesn't even snap if you point out his height though he ends up whining about it for a long while after.

[prettyboykatsuki]

got any fluffy/smutty thoughts about that man to share with us?

about hanma?? i don't know ive never really given it any thought.

i will say though i do genuinely think he'd be a pretty good boyfriend which i dont think is very popular fanon of him lmaoooo i know he gets the cheater and deadbeat label a bit

but i do think the tokyorev fanon tends to be extra bad in the characterization department. hanma is a very misunderstood character in that while he certainly has a skewed moral compass, he's very cognizant in making those choices. similarly to how sanzu is much more rational than how he acts.

hanma is just less belligerent about the whole thing but he's very aware of himself.

i think in a relationship you're biggest issue is that he'll brush you off when you make complaints or try to like. fuck away your arguements which doesn't normally work but is pretty typical for a guy like him. he'd probably be a little hard to tie down? doesn't seem like the marriage type but more like a long-term relationship type if that makes any sense. if he ever gets out of organized crime he'd probably marry you, i just think he'd need to finish whatever he's set out to achieve.

also like. he's a very human character he just sort of swallows it so no one can pin down his achilles heel and like kill him or whatever. i think unlike sanzu hanma doesn't seem himself as bulletproof and perceives life to be very finnicky, so he tends to be much more careful about what moves he makes.

but at least canonically, hanma is a relatively complex character so i think he's definitely attracted to people who can match his wit and keep up with him. he's not got the temperament for love so you'd definitely experience a lot of turmoil early but he's capable of being serious. it's a timing thing for him? like he needs to make sure everything else works out. if you're loyal to him, he's loyal to you but it requires a lot of faith on both ends.

also like. i do think for hanma you have to sort of bring him out of his state of mind because he moves like he died about ten years ago.

he's probably a quality time person and fucking hilarious. very witty? social able when he's around like... your parents or something. in an ironic twist very good with kids i think. honestly kinda harmless to everyone else like LMAOO. seems like he eats a lot of junk food. he tries really hard to smoke less because you keep complaining about him dying early.

despite his issues, mostly i think hanma would show up for you in whatever way he could. it's kind of his way of dignifying you and showing respect. graduations, a tire gone flat, a pad run. to the world he's sort of this slippery snake in the grass but he will show up for you every time, no matter how much he complains about it at first. kinda loves you like he's sorry he's there which makes me a little sad.

nsfw nothing yet. stroke game is probably crazy tho

[everythingsinred]

Previous anon. Honestly nothing made me happier than seeing natsume and mikan well and happy in the spin off manga, just together and happy. Ofc i do miss Hotaru and i hope she managed to get back to the gang bc they are just not complete without her.

I wanted to ask you: do you have any HCs regarding the quartet (yes including Hotaru being back) in their mundane day to day highschool time? How is studying for them, what do they all wanna be when thry graduste? Are any of them going to go to university? How fast are Natsume and Mikan going to be married? Anyone any kids? Maybe a dog or cats?

thanks for the ask <3 yeah my absolute favorite part of the spin off was seeing natsumikan as an official couple! theyre so cute <3 im incapable of thinking of a post-kageki universe where they dont reunite with hotaru.

tsubasa mentions around chapter 73 or 74 that the last couple years of the high school count as university credit but that some students choose to continue college to gain more knowledge. i feel like perhaps hotaru would be in that category. she is very lazy but i think she'd want to refine her skills. if not that, then i could see her easily taking off with a career right out of school since she already has an impressive following. her future is pretty solid.

ruka wants to be a vet and i'm not entirely sure how vet training would work in alice academy? it's a pretty lengthy process in the normal world--about 8 years (4 undergrad, 4 at vet school). if the last 2-3 years of alice academy hs are the equivalent of a typical 4 year university, then ruka would still have to continue the 4 years of vet school to get his credential. in any case, he's pretty passionate about it. he doesn't seem like he puts much effort into school while in elementary school, but i think he'd put his all into vet school because he'll be doing something he really loves.

i can see mikan pursuing a teaching job or maybe nursing--something where she can help people. it would HAVE to be a people-oriented occupation, where she interacts with lots of people and is more hands-on. in either case, she could probably start right away after graduation and since nepotism is real and she's close friends with most of the staff, she's a shoe-in for a teaching position for sure.

i can't imagine natsume having a job he's passionate about. i don't think natsume would ever be passionate about labor, no matter what it is. i've read all kinds of fics, where natsume goes on to be a spy or work in security or what have you, but to be honest i don't think natsume would EVER elect to be in a dangerous field after being a child soldier for so many years. idk cant he be mikan's stay at home husband? cant he have a break? if he must have a job, i'd hate it if he did anything dangerous; i much prefer to imagine him doing something calm and laid-back.

as for the marriage question.... i can see them getting married ASAP. like right away tbh. natsume has a terminal illness after all! but thats not fully relevant to me bc i cant imagine a future where natsume doesnt get "cured" in some way. i just cant. in any case they were 12 when they got engaged so they're the kind of couple that moves fast FOR SURE. they'd get married as soon as it becomes a possibility. i talk about the possibility of nm children here, too.

as for other characters...

idk really. i can see tsubasa and misaki for sure having kids. the other class b characters might have kids but probably not right away. i can see ruka for sure having pets always. maybe natsumikan get a kitty. that would be cute!

i have a lot of hcs actually but i feel like this has gotten pretty long so i'll leave it at that for now. thanks for sending me this ask! i appreciate it ;-; <3

[loorain]

Sims 4 Fontenot Legacy - Journey to Healing

Armani awoke this morning with thoughts that his body is not looking as good as it once did. This is something he's struggled with for a long time. It began shortly after the death of his wife Kira, and he hasn't been able to shake it since.

Anya also woke up on the wrong side of the bed today too. After what was a pretty good day yesterday, today she just couldn't seem to be happy about anything. Stepping into the office, she looked upon a picture of her and her mother when she was a toddler and found herself feeling angrier. Why did she have to leave her so young? She needed her advice so many times in her youth, and even more so now. The one person who could probably understand her best, being a teen mother herself, is gone, never to return? How is she supposed to figure these things out on her own?

Anya tried to distract her thoughts by helping out around the house, but her aunt could sense her struggles. She didn't say anything, but she knows her niece is going through a lot, largely caused by her own choices. She's done what she can to encourage her and guide her, but also acknowledges that she's an adult now, so she must forge her own path.

After the day at school, Sabrina came back with the poorest grades they've ever had. They were extremely disappointed about this because they feel like they're genuinely trying, they just can't seem to do well no matter how hard they try. This feels especially humiliating being the child of Scarlett, who, despite her ADHD, succeeded in school with flying colors, graduating with honors, getting scholarships to college, and getting her degree. Scarlett was truly a stellar teenager and young adult who achieved so much in two different career tracks (in which she only quit her job in engineering because she had already reached level 10 of the career and was looking for a new challenge). Being her child sometimes feels like you can never be great because she already did everything there is to do. Sabrina still feels incredibly lost in what they want to do in life. They haven't found any passions that captivate them enough to commit their life to, and school just doesn't seem to be their thing. Their love life is complicated, they're still exploring their presentation, but in general, they're feeling really uncomfortable in their body. They're not sure what else at this point they can fail at, but they're anticipating the next blow.

Anya got a call from Sergio today, who asked her about going on a date. Anya (somewhat begrudgingly) said to go for it. She knows both of them moving on is for the best, but it doesn't mean it doesn't hurt a little.

To try and cheer herself up, Anya made a call to Rowan. She hasn't been able to stop thinking about him since their chat at work. They had a good chat and did the trick to pull her away from her mood, and through the chat, she started to think more about what she wants. Anya made the choice to go to her first-ever therapy session. She's hoping therapy can help her process all her trauma so that she can be a good mother and wife. Maybe it'll help her get over Sergio, and possibly Rowan now that he takes up so much space in her mind now.

It was dark out by the time she got back. She had a good first session and felt very optimistic after. It pushed her to make one final call for the night. She has decided to go forward with the wedding and has started to plan things out. She thinks getting married next spring will be the best course of action. Summer is almost over and she wants to have an outdoor wedding, so this is the best choice. Plus, it gives her (aka, me) more time to work on her career before she officially moves out. She can also work on her body and maybe grow her hair out for the wedding. She's still figuring out how she wants to look for it.

Of course, maybe Anya is denying herself something with Rowan, but she thinks (for now) that going through with the wedding is what's best.

[433ly]

The following is a personal headcanon:

A core part of AD's philosophy of life is adopting a policy of neutrality. Whether it's for GG or TR to the pro-generations, he always seems to be watching the fire from the sidelines and watching from the sidelines. This notion of "non-intervention" has been widely debated. However, this move was not unintentional, but deliberate - he took the initiative to leave the center of the storm and become an outsider.

He intentionally uses Ti against Fi, which is why I feel his Ti > Fe. He uses high-strength Ti to maintain Fe, instead of naturally promoting Fe (or maybe this is a common problem for INFJs?). When he just graduated from Hogwarts in his early years, we can clearly see how his Fi pursues excellence, and after that tragedy that he does not want to look back, Ti acts as a defense mechanism to shield the painful Fi to As for the last Fi was replaced by Fe.

So, he does his best to stay away from everything that stirs his Fi, which is power. He no longer dared to let his Fi go, because it brought a devastating price.

As a result, his Fe is actually more determined by the resistance to Fi, and the internal contradictory movement is the thrust of his Fe; moreover, Fe with Ni addition will actually be more out of line than Si-driven Fe, even less In line with social norms, so that it is more personal and closer to Fi. Because Ni and Fe are often contradictory: the answer Ni gets is not in line with Fe's universal values, the conflict between the two is still strong for INFJs: choose the right Ni or choose the moral Fe?

The most basic concepts have been said, let us further demonstrate. I'll start with concrete examples.

The first is his attitude towards GG. He did not duel until 45 years, not because of personal or old relationships, but because of a secret curiosity.

It would be inappropriate to define this curiosity as anticipation: AD doesn't want bloodshed and sacrifice to happen, that's for sure: he's not the kind of "mad scientist" who doesn't care about other people's lives but his own rightness.

But at the same time, the catchphrase of Greater Good, as the epitome of his personal will, was not a product of youthful whims—a notion we can clearly see in his attitude toward Harry. Man is not a concept of a few important fragments, but a coherent, evolving, metabolic product; therefore, he still retains the old part of himself—the part that advocates revolution.

He may not be making the revolution himself, but he will turn a blind eye to what GG does, because that is their common ideal - even if it was once.

This is determined by Ni, not Fe. His Ni has a natural maintenance of personal ideas, while Fe is now beautifying Ni, twisting it into a correct and moral solution, still serving "Greater Good". Perhaps at this point he still thought it was right to overturn the Wizarding Secrecy Act, just not feasible.

This is the first point.

AD's attitude towards TR is probably more subtle. On the one hand, Fe's wickedness towards Ni-Te is a natural conflict. On the other hand, the painful price of Fi makes him not dare to point out the country correctly and interfere too much, so the effect presented is - as a personal Although I do not agree, but I will not intervene to forcibly change your temperament. (Perhaps this would be seen as weakness, but I'm afraid he has enough self-doubt to keep him from acting rashly)

The same is true for the parent generation. Many people say that AD does not care about the campus bullying of the robbery group? I would like to say that his concept is like this, he is not a person who likes to spread his own values ​​too much in life (this "go with the flow" concept is often criticized as apathy, numbness and indifference)

The same goes for his principle of balance of power. We see that he opposes the pure-blood theory and advocates "equality for all", but he did not suppress the pure-bloodists within Slytherin (the relevant matters are not explained in the book, and it is speculated from the full text), which once again reflects his "no interference" concept.

[saturnsorbits]

dshfkdhfhifjd Saturn, you're killing me. This whole thing is so cute, but most of all, it kills me that we imagine him in such similar ways.

I absolutely see him as this lovable golden retriever, and I agree with you that he'd probably be a terrible texter with a terrible attention span, OMG. But the end result is that he has so much he has been dying to tell you all day long! Also, I'm sure this is a popular take but in my little selfship universe, Denki is also great at imitating Bakugo and is not shy about it. I adore this boy so much and I love reading your thoughts about him. ♥

I'm doing okay(ish), have been dealing with rl stuff that's been leaving me drained. I'm doing better now and taking the chance to come on here every couple of days and read about things that bring joy. ♥ It really helps keep the batteries recharged and I love seeing what you guys have been up to. :D How about you?? How has life been treating you?

Tidbit about my self-ship… I don't have the details of this fully fleshed out, but - a few years after graduation, when we are both still living with friends, it's common occurrence for us to hang out at each other's place after work. Since his roommates are also my friends (you know exactly who they are), somedays he will get home from work to find me already sat on one of their couches, chatting away with them. Most days he will do a drive by kiss hello and immediately disappear into his room to change into some more casual clothes. He'll soon rejoin us and either sit by me or kick out whoever is in the kitchen so he can get dinner started and participate of the conversation (usually in the form of snide remarks and crass comments that always crack me up). But on the days I'm really lucky, he will come to wherever I'm sat, find a way to put his arms around me and literally faceplant on my chest. Sometimes he'll be laying on his stomach, sometimes he will be practically folding himself in half on my lap. Doesn't matter as long as he gets to use my boobs as pillows relax against me while I play with his hair.

Sorry it got so long! But thank you for asking about it, I hadn't fully fleshed out any of these scenes yet and now I have a very solid base to write one of them and I'm very excited about it! ♥

What can I say, great minds think alike 😉

I'm super glad you like reading my little thoughts about him though, I've loved our little chatter about our little Denki.

I'm glad you're doing better now and that you're seeking out little things that bring you joy! It's nice to hear that this little community of ours can provide you some comfort! 💕

I'm okay. Working myself to the bone a little atm, but I'm good, thanks for asking!

AHH! That's so cute! I can totally see him just storming up to whoever is sitting next to you and being like 'Move. Now.' because he just wants his cuddles. It's his happy place. The one thing he thinks about when he's aching and tired, just dying to get home to you so he can rest; and he totally whines when you stop playing with his hair. 🥰🥰🥰

[junior-high-rui-official]

// angst ahead. no particular tws. rui is lonely. and probably dissociating a little.

Rui's opted to rest his head on his desk, in a position where he can block his ears from the commotion of the classroom.

He can still see, though. Something about shielding his eyes from it all doesn't sit right with him.

He sees a girl write down her number and give it to a boy he's seen her gawk at for months. A group of girls next to him making elaborate plans for the summer. A boy bolting out of the classroom to catch up with his friend in the hallway.

It's his last day here.

Likely the only thing he has in common with anyone in this classroom.

The similarities begin to feel even more miniscule, as he looks around to see everyone, with nobody to talk to himself.

Everyone laughing, playing, crying, talking having fun with each other- you know, things that friends do.

...

"Miss, may I use the restroom?"

"Sure, go ahead."

He's escaped it.

He exits the noisy classroom into an equally noisy hallway, walking down it, hoping to find the place he's looking for. Lucky for him, it seems a significant amount of the graduating third years had congregated around a few classrooms, meaning the rest of the floor was relatively empty.

Relatively.

He turns a corner, walks a few paces- the clamor of the crowd is much more muffled now.

...?

There's a much sharper sob, from closer nearby. Some chatter.

Rui steps forward, peeking around the next corner.

"Huh?! No way! They're making you go to a different highschool?"

"I thought your parents had it set in stone, though...!"

"They changed their minds last minute...that it was just easier for me to go there. I tried to say something, but..."

"But we had plans...! Oh, I'm really gonna miss you!"

"We'll stay in touch, alright? Meet up whenever we can..."

...

Eavesdropping is weird, Rui reminds himself. Also, he passed the restroom on the way to do it.

He turns around. Somehow, his legs feel numb as they move toward his destination.

He's met with his reflection in the mirror, something he realizes after looking for a few minutes.

How come he's getting misty-eyed?

He wipes the unprecedented tears off his cheeks, though they're not truly unprecedented, he leaves to walk out the door, but he doesn't, and he's sat on the floor, sobbing into his knees, tears that were a long time coming.

It didn't make any sense. It didn't make any sense.

He's seen this before. He saw it after his last year of elementary- schoolkids crying, holding their friends.

"It's because a lot of them have been here their whole lives," he remembers his teacher explaining, upon being asked. "they don't know what to expect for junior high, and they don't know if their friends will be coming with them."

He hadn't been crying, and he didn't understand why they were- hence why he'd asked.

No more than a few steps away, someone is bawling for fear they won't see their friends again.

He's crying because nobody will worry that way about him.

Because, truly, it doesn't matter- he isn't crying for the same reasons, but nonetheless, he's crying the same salty tears as the rest of his peers on the last day of junior high. But even so, he'll never be them. He'll never be loved the way they are, he'll never be liked the way they are. They all like each other more than they even have the capacity to like him.

When he leaves this place, he'll lose contact with Mizuki, no doubt. It's what happened with Nene after elementary. It'll probably happen again, too.

There years of hope, of grasping onto it til his fingers bled, and nothing had changed, he realizes.

He's still watching his tears hit cold, porcelain tile.

It was always there, sort of, but now it's really settled itself in. In his tearful fit, he's finally come to accept it;

Nothing will change.

...

Even later, he will be the only one walking into his summer break with dull eyes.

[folkorae]

❧ ⸻ message from @ironwoven : ❛ how about a kiss before i go? ❜ ( from xaden to violet )

She is still angry with him but it is a repressed anger ; Violet understands why Xaden didn't mention that Brennan is alive. He couldn't put her older brother or the entire revolution at risk. But still, Violet would have liked to know that her brother is alive — and living well and not killed in battle as she and the Sorrengail family believed all these years. That's a topic for another time and Xaden probably knows how upset she is ( and blaming herself every day for what happened to Liam ) but Violet isn't going to ruin their goodbye. The rider knew that at some point, her wing leader would graduate and be sent to an outpost.

As that day approached, Violet became more and more worried. Now that the moment has truly arrived for him to go, her heart sinks. Of course, she trusts Xaden can take care of himself — but there is still that premature, anxious fear of something happening to him. Violet Sorrengail is not afraid of death, despite having encountered it several times throughout her first year at Basgiath and the cadet also knows how to protect herself when danger overtakes her. But what if something happens to Xaden and she's not around to stop it, to protect him ? If the linking bond they have because of the mating dragons doesn't end her, the guilt and sadness certainly will. Violet looks at him, cheeks pink because of his words ( the effect he has on her is incredible ).

But she has some effect on him as well and without thinking twice, Violet approaches Xaden. Her feet moved up to his, in an attempt to get closer to his height ( which wasn't enough because of the height difference ), and placing her hands on his flight jacket, bringing him closer. The moment their lips touched, Violet's hands moved up and stopped on his cheeks, holding his face. It doesn't matter if the others were watching them now — and everyone should already know that the two of them are together by now. Violet doesn't care what they think. She loves Xaden and she's going to show that love to him and the world while she still can. Because when you're a dragon rider, you never know what tomorrow will bring. “ I love you. ” She whispers just for him to hear as she pulls away just enough to rest her forehead against his, arms now around Xaden's neck. “ Be careful. I will see you in two weeks. ”

[imbuity]

i did a faux journal on main but I think to fulfill my daily quota I should do a little more.

should I do a worry script here? no I will wait until I read the chapter. I only have about 7 left I believe and most of them are not very challenging so these should hopefully be conquered in toronto (or at least completed).

if ordering in less is going to get more food into you, then it should be done. it doesn't matter if that's enforcing an avoidant pathway, for now you really are still in survival mode and you should focus on getting stuff done regardless of if you need safety behaviours to do them (within reason, that is - no takng gravol with meals, for example). But plastic bag to the grocery store, cooking more at home to avoid delivery food - these are valid.

Especially because they are positive behaviours. It is GOOD to carry a water bottle to drink. It is GOOD to have a trash bag on hand. It is GOOD to save money by cooking more at home. You can work on undoing the maladaptive motivator behind the behaviour without altering the behaviour, since it is a behaviour you wish to keep.

You do need to keep doing the work. You fell off, moved ERP to a weekly position, and you've seen that that's not going to cut it. Doesn't need to be the whole shebang, but does need to be daily. Probably needs to be daily, in some form, until the weddings.

You set goals to work towards and you meet them. The weddings will come and go and you will survive them. Maybe it will be the hardest thing you ever do but you will do it. If you can get better before then, maybe it will be fun.

I am sort of going to operate as if this will be the rest of my life. It no longer brings me sorrow for some reason - perhaps the knowledge that I don't enjoy the company of most of my friends helped? Like, sitting thinking about it right now, I am mourning the inevitable loss of Nick, but then I move back in with my parents perhaps for years, I live a quiet life building my savings (please remote work PLEASE) and enjoying my media, my yoga, my sewing, my cooking (which will improve as we no longer order out), my mocktails, my videos-making, my singing (& songwriting?), my caring for mrs brown, my gardening, my photography, my beautifying, my magic, my enlightenment, my talents, my skills, my hobbies, my life. I will see friends when I desire, but in living serenely perhaps I can fade away into the background of many of their lives. I think Sam and Marlee are the only exceptions to which I would be the forefront, and they are comforting presences. The rest I believe are content with digital friendship primarily.

And maybe after all this, after the time spent working on my brain and the time spent cultivating serenity of being, maybe there is love again. Right now that is painful to touch on, because I have love now. To have love again I need to lose the love I have now. But the love I have now is not compatible with the way I am now, if it lasts forever. I know this in my heart. And I've used him as a reason to try and get over it, get through it, but eventually he won't be there and I won't have a reason to try. That will hurt, but it is better than trying to force one of us to be happy with the way the other has chosen to live. I can't envision a love that finds me as I am now, with what I want now, and chooses it. But I don't need to.

I need to do my readings for school, do my assignments and my chores and make sure I get enough nutrients. I need to save my money by going on fewer outings, and I need to make sure all the people in my life know I love them. That is all I need to do from now until the day I graduate. That I can do.