#but it’s been really heavy on me rn and
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i wasn’t going to post about this here, but my family and i need a lot of thoughts and prayers if you can right now. my mom had a stroke and was rushed to the emergency room. i have been attempting to hold myself together and honestly not speak it into existence just because im so afraid. her heart isn’t well, but she is back home now resting. there’s a lot more details on the matter that led up to her having this stroke and some of that was involved stress in her work life, but im not really okay with disclosing those things on this site fully as .. it is really personal tbh.
my mom and i are so close, please send good thoughts that she gets better with the necessary healing she is going through. thanks.
#⊱✿⊰ ┊ ˢʰᵉ ʳᵉᵃˡˡʸ ⁱˢ ᵃ ᶠᵘⁿⁿʸ ᵍⁱʳˡ ( ooc )#tw: negative#[ i really wasn’t going to post about this#but it’s been really heavy on me rn and#my husband is a great support but#i also have really great friends here who#are worried about me and i just wanted#to talk about it.#i’ve been kind of drifting rn#i’ve been in this depression all day bc of it#i’ll be honest but#it is going to be ok i know it will#i didn’t wanna be sad today on valentine’s day tbh but#sometimes these things happen#and it’s really unfortunate
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hi um so i went digging through my old art stuff and found this echo piece i started BEFORE SEASON TWO my god uh and i never finished it!! so!!!
should i finish painting him yes or no
also next Slow Down chap is officially in the editing phase wooooo!!! but also don’t listen to me cause i can’t keep to a timeline to save my life lol
#genuinely watercolor paper does so much heavy lifting for sketches#every time i draw on watercolor paper it just works like wtf#meanwhile digital is just sad recorder noises lol#saturn sends art#!!#tbb echo#HOLY SHIT THIS WAS BEFORE I STARTED WRITING SLOW DOWN BSKSHKSJDKDND#do not trust me to finish projects i swear#there’s genuinely three things strewn around my room rn that also need to be finished and they’ve been there for ⭐️months⭐️#been going through a really shitty motivation period honestly so i’m kinda trying to find things to motivate me like this :)
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thinking about them and banging my head against the wall again whats new. they are making me so emo. god. what the fuck
#ann plays fates#theyre like all i can think about rn#its that time of the year#i mean i think about them both constantly separately but its always when september comes#do i get hit with the laslow/nyx rarepair brainrot i think#that just lasts through fall and winter#not that im complaining. i think eventually i will have posted the entire fucking conversation#i cant help it. each part gives me a segment of dialogue to be ill about#i have ‘but with burdens so heavy dont you think we can lean on eachother a bit?’ on my wall#ROMANCE. TO ME (girl who is aroace)#also underrated thing about them i like how nyx flirts back#its more prevalent in their A support but shes so fun with him even beyond the bonding over traumatic pasts#i think with laslow he does a lot of flirting right bc hes laslow but a lot of the time its like#no ones matching his energy#i was gonna say match his freak but i dont think he has any freak if im so real with u#if he does its buried beneath five metric tons of shame and embarrassment#and i like how his… laslow-ness kinda gives nyx space to let loose if that makes sense#like he can match her maturity because he. you know. all of that#but hes still young and so she can find a little bit of reprieve from it all in his attitude and blah blah blah#if that makes sense#they r just so perfect. TO ME#ive only ever written and posted one thing for them but i have like five million (like six) things in my drafts i need to get back#into writing. rarepair hell gotta feed myself#also that was like two years ago it kinda sucks a bit but thats fine its called growth#i just miss them. i dont really have the brainpower to play fates but i have enough to think about them#i mean i played a little but ive mostly just been doing dumb shit with the class system and not rly playing the game#we’ll get to it#im supposed to be sleeping
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i do think its kinda funny when i see someone in the year of our lord 2024 talk about vocal synth music like its all gone downhill since like 2010 because like dont get me wrong i love a good niconicodouga-ass 2008 ass vocaloid joint BUT also like. the past couple years have had the most fascinatingly creative and expressive uses of vocal synthesizers ive ever heard in my life DJFSKHJDFS dont write it all off just yet!!
#usually i only see that from people who havent actually listened to any vsynth music from the past 15 years so i understand why they got to#that conclusion. and also usually theyre people who didnt listen to much vsynth music in the first place LOL they just dont know#but it is still a little funny. brother there are things beyond your wildest dreams if u just look#like some personal highlights: the stuff by rinri - particularly their use of the meika girlies#dont carry our memories away is LIFECHANGING the whispers. the spoken parts. the BELTS#plus the haunting and unrelenting instrumentation. fantastic song#and naisho no pierced's propose + birthday + gift sort of trilogy of songs. gift especially has been unreal#again the dynamics of soft intimate whispers to belts but also those fuller high notes with edges of growlyness.#plus the songs just generally rock. and those LYRICS. absolutely intense like physically painful and frightening like#yearning and codependency and possession. and the tuning and production just amps it up more#OH and slave.v.v.r has been doing crazy things for even longer but i only started getting into his stuff recently and holy shit#love eater is like. the scariest vocaloid song ive ever heard not because of the lyrics. but because of the tuning#im like. scared. i cant stop listening to it. the heavy synthesized breathy main vocals and whispered harmonies plus the VOCAL FRY#i didnt realized vocaloid5? i think? has a vocal fry option built in i heard? thats crazy#but specifically in love eater the fry and growl is amped up so deep and loud and clear compared to everything else it like#emphasizes the artificiality of the voice while also amping up the expressiveness#its awesome. and on the older slave.v.v.r songs i heard i will hit you 8759632145 times with this piano. also so fucking cool#addicted to that song. 1) its a great jazzy rocky piano tune with this piano flourish at the end of each phrase that sounds fantastic#but also 2) the lyrics are insane. using kanji to write english??????#people are doing wild ass things with vocal synths rn you guys#this isnt even getting into some of the really unique synths themselves too. adachi rei is awesome i love that shes just like#the perfect inbetween of sample based and reconstruction based vocals. shes a sample based synth#but her samples were drawn by hand LOL shes like dectalks granddaughter to me.....#a really good use of adachi rei is iyowa's heat abnormal/heat anomaly/whatever its called ITS AWESOME thats what it is hjrkfdgfd#i think the fact that vocal synths can be so realistic and clean and noiseless out the gate now has made people really stop worrying#about like. realism all together and looking more into expressiveness. omg vocal synth modernist movement
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hiiii i'm looking for new albums to have playing/listen to while i work on art and other stuff, does anyone have any music album recommendations....
i listen to basically everything but lately i've been getting into a lot of alternative pop sort of stuff idk im bad with genres. also a lot of shakey graves but thats neither here nor there, i just think ppl should listen to his stuff LMFAO. i will take whatever u got though :]
#the only genres i do not rly listen to are screamo and heavy metal fdsjkl sorry#i have listened to them fsdjkl my brother loved all that when he was in highschool so he would share his music w me a lot#and i enjoyed some of it !!! its just not what i often enjoy#also theres a weird long covid symptom i have where certain pitches of sounds will cause a stabbing pain in my brain#like i wasn't able to watch markiplier's fn.af videos for a while bc just his regular voice was . triggering this pain for some reason#not even mentioning the yells and the animatronic jumpscare screech sound effects fhsdgjkl#it comes and goes now but rn its really bad. i wonder maybe if it gets worse if i havent been sleeping well 🤔#anyways. anything in the heavy metal genres generally triggers that pain so i have to avoid it altogether now RIP#pippen needs 2nd breakfast#okay im posting this finally oh my god why am i so scared all the time. god. i have been drafting a post like this for like.... a week.#keep deleting or saving to drafts bc i get inexplicably scared of asking. what is WRONG WITH MEEEE
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one of these days i'm going to write up all that i've changed from azzarello's bullshit era and the one (1) piece i've kept from milligan (and also changed) and the only thing currently stopping me is that it is going to be so, so inside-baseball incomprehensible. and i almost never want to go reading/screencapping azzarello and milligan to add references but i Want to add references.
canon is goop, just know that we continue to ride the bus down "hellblazer ended at #250 and looks like swiss cheese before that" street.
#( ooc. ) OUT OF CIGS.#i'm doing page maintenance before i fuck off to work rip it's got me thinking#anyway i think i said WAY back on this blog that a side goal of mine is to make hellblazer lore accessible to non-comic readers where i can#bc it's such a Heavy comic & i love it so much & i always felt Terrible recommending it to people only for them to be disgusted#and like. @ past me that particular goal is NOT as easy as you thought it would be lmao#esp because i have a habit of getting VERY detail-oriented when it comes to talking about hellblazer i think#but by GOD it's still a goal. i can put in some motherfucking references here and there when i talk about The Lore#like. azzarello's writing style never translates well for me in synopsis bc he Loves to put the audience in the outside perspective#where we are bystanders/with the rest of the bystanders to constantine's actions and not to his motivations/inner monologue#and i HATE that. hellblazer has ALWAYS been about what this guy has going on underneath the masked exterior#all the things you can't say out loud when you're queer and working class trying to survive in 70s-80s-90s england#but that you FEEL with your WHOLE fucking chest. how that feeling drives you to enjoy little rebellions wherever you can get them#(also azzarello just fucking Sucks LMAO but i'm talking style rn)#so i end up relying on frusin's art to tell the story a little more bc i think he understands the Theatre of constantine's public persona#and when that theatre is Absent then it's really REALLY noticeable. so frusin keeps me in it most of the time#and if i'm digging into frusin art then i'm Going to want to compare it to older panels bc i like body language consistency#milligan on the other hand has NOTHING to save his sorry ass bc his writing is drop-jaw fucking terrible AND the artist seems to like it#but the loss of john's thumb being tied to his mental health (ignoring the bullshit with shade) has always felt. important to me somehow id#anyway MUCH thinking about my favorite loser on this about-to-be-annoying day shdjksd he has been done so dirty#hellblazer brain go brrrr
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i need a girl to be tomboys with soon. or i will Die
#with a heavy heart i have to admit that i am tired of being a uhm. what is the word for incel but friendship. not friendcel...#Well you know what i mean#been like 3 years of being completely alone save for the biannual meeting i have with my bestfriend#Which is Dopeness BTW<3 but she lives in another city & i miss having someone Regular#someone Regular to MAKE INTO MY ACCOMPLICE#OMG i feel like a friendship cheater RN#caus yeah all my life i only really have one friend at a time ♯PlatonicMonogamist save for ninth grade#when everybody in my class was friends with one another Pretty much. BEST YEAR OF MY LOIF#SO MANY SHENANIGANS. & ! people would always mistake me for a weird effete fag ( which made me genuinely suicidal then )#i miss it so much - that one hag who will not stop talking about middle school years (2) after bac. graduation#^ last time i ever made a friend... feeling really pathetic right now Stares at the ceiling emptily with big blank sparkless anime girl eye#animorphs into a dog & lies down#i know exactly why i am alone BTW ( *in barks that you can perfectly understand* ) i will still lament about this anyway Le Sigh#here are my requirements: female; must be some degree of depraved; VIRGINS ONLY.#in spirit counts for that last one. then you can join my Gangstalking Circle ( smallest one in history )
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SUCKERRRRRRRRRRRRR
#maya's art tag#GOT THE DRIVERS GOT MY MAIN ART PROGRAM#GOT OLD MSPAINT BACK BECAUSE WINDOWS 11 PAINT IS ACTUAL HOT GARBAGE#but heres the kicker.#im thinking of moving from firealpaca to clip studio#its on sale for 20 rn#and honestly with the way my arts been going i really cant rely on rebelle for my painty stuff considering i love using clipping layers#plus its super heavy and prone to crashing#firealpacas brushes are also only good for doing like hard shading stuff#otherwise its brushes SUCK#so im hoping i can switch over soonish#still. firelpaca. youve treated me so well. ily. based art program
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When I've got so many games I should be playing cause the disks are on loan from a friend but hyperfixation brain doesn't want to do anything but listen to a dumb little podcast I've latched on to
#kee speaks#and one of them is the new spoderman game#ive been playing a ton of stardew valley cause thats a game you can listen to other stuff over top of#but all the other games i have on loan rn are story heavy so i wouldnt be able to listen to anything else#and my brain is the type where i cant really switch back and forth between stuff#like ffs brain let me do one thing for a bit and then switch to another thing for a bit in the same day#(i will be making a sideblog for this podcast interest cause its dragging me in deep and i wont clog this blog with it lol#i have a few blog urls saved already just need to decide which one to use)
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Itty bitty update bc i’ve been v busy with,, school work,, that i haven’t been able to answer asks just yet, but i promise to answer them soon! Hopefully by this week at least, in the meantime wish me luck so that I!! Can catch up with my work!! aksnkvisnsd
Thank u for ur patience,,,
#i’ve…….. so much assignments that are all so heavy too#like.. i gotta cut up a fullbody live2d rig this wednesday that i’m not done drawing yet jhbfs#i’m also!! lucky enough to have wonderful people to support me with comms!! i’ve also been on those too bihdsn#but ye there’s Really Good Asks in my box i wanna answer that i just can’t rn#少々お待ちください#orz#bluesez#skelesona#doodle#in other news i’ve also been working on a certain redesign on a certain skelesona#about time doncha think?
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methinks i will make a new kind of commission section cuz colored sketches are actually really fucking fun, not finished with it rn but wow. my depth and shading has gotten better, if not adapted to my style.
#i have THAT goin for me!!!!!!!! i admit ive been in a sour mood and im not in the best mindset but. this is nice#i feel accomplished... my art rlly has taken a turn for the better#well objectively#i loved my style back then even when i wasnt good#i say good but i dont think me or anyone for that matters ever been BAD at art its just a learning thing yk#whatever that means but idk theres merit in the growth#i like how it is rn .. proud of myself#ofc i still wanna emphasize and improve my linework but do think me pathing off into color-heavy artwork has been REALLY good for me for#not getting like#bored#now coloring is fun!!!!!! its not something im afraid of anymore
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I refuse to learn the lesson that i need to ask for help more because the consequences while bad are also very very funny
#greentext time in the tags. be me. busy day at work. someone texts asking members of my team to carry boxes#see text 3 min after its been sent and find one giant box and 0 relevant authorities. assume i am especially late and pick up the box#box in question is too heavy for this 7 min walk across campus but i proceed#fail to find shortcut and in process fall down like 5 stairs. also incredibly congested so my nose is running#local campus safety woman sees me on the floor shaking and sniffling. thinks i have really injured myseld#i reassure her and repack the box. proceed to fuck ton of stairs. panic and call only team member i have specific number for#tell her i might be late w the box. shes like. what box. im on the other side of campus#i say. well itll take too long for you to get here to help anyway. proceed. legs at this point screaming#drop box off at building. no one is there. go back. everyone is running around looking for the one single box#there was only one box. i say oh i got it. then i work my six hour shift. now. legs hurt#this sounds sad but genuinely it is so funny to me rn. like. dude what is your PROBLEM
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SHADOWBRINGERS.... listening to the song again n oh god i love the lyrics so so much we r ignoring the fact that i have to wake up in like less than 4 hours
#🌙.vent#i just have 1 assignment due tmrrw n i don't want to do it :') like yeah i'm definitely still going to but. it's a letter to ourselves....#i write a lot to myself that is very much evident but it's so hard to actually organize it. & fuck too bcs it's due 10 pm later today#i hate doing things for the sake of academics. says me w my grades lmfao but despite how well i manage i really do hate the school system#i wanted to ramble abt ffxiv oh no i get so distracted when i start writing. but. god my mind rn i don't understand#🥹 this stupid mental block ???? w the break nearly ending there's sm more i have to do but i need to sleep . but not having this started is#messing me up sm rn. i want to put a lot of effort into it but i'm at a loss for words. i wrote some ideas days back but i've changed a bit#this moment ideally right now where i'm in a better mood than i have been for the past few days but not as brain empty#a balance of fiction and reality. enough to keep me not sad but enough to keep me stressed?#i would like to get it started now. i know i want to. but i can't. i just can't seem to. it's not lack of motivation right now. it's.#....maybe a fear? a fear that gives me some sort of mental block. because i really really want to at least start writing something but#i can't start. & goddamn this is not what i meant to write about i wanted to write of shadowbringers & maybe a little of today#but i guess this just has been. bothering me for a while. buried somewhere in my mind#i've been this age for like. more than a week now huh. it's daunting it's scary but i've always loved & sought the thrill of challenges. bu#alright i wasn't able to read anything i wanted to. nor did i watch as much as i would've liked. & i didn't really bond with my friends#save for texts here n then. talking in ffxiv w that one too. & that very one call on bday yh. & tumblr too ofc c: but i didn't do the schoo#stuff i wanted to do this break. but my rank in pjsekai's lowering. nor playing arknights/nier again yet. & fixing my sleep. but....#i didn't wake up any later than 4 pm. i went out for a walk earlier with apollo. i wrote asks to a friend here on tumblr. new books.#new game. plans to make an fc in ffxiv. i ate what i could. i got up even when it hurt. i'm playing gbf again. i'm rlly happy abt that#perhaps it's not enough for me. i can't get rid of my heavy regrets so easily. but acknowledging what i have done that was good enough#trying my best to be kind to myself in this moment even though i feel like crying. acknowledging my pain. maybe. maybe that's#i'm listening to ashes of dreams rn fuck i'm actually going to cry i think bulbel is next in my queue i#it hurts yes n i feel like crying right now but there's. this ache in my chest that replaced the cold emptiness earlier#maybe that's not a good thing uhh but the warmth. that warmth. i'm alive i'm real n there's a tomorrow n that's enough hope#it has to be. it fucking has to be. just. little steps. guide my own self slowly n softly like i do for others. i deserve that too.#i'll give it to myself. surely i must owe myself at least that much. being human comes with its many burdens but i don't need to be#so harsh to myself right? ironic saying that right now while i know there's something so dear to me i'm denying right now#it's like i'm a wilting flower fighting against time to stay alive. but the petals slowly decay n it gets colder the longer the dark night#would an outside light help the blossom find its own light? or would it make it disappear. i wonder#did the flower grow to be meant to be undeserving of such kindness? or are there thorns on its petals that serve as an unbeknownst barrier?
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aw fuck okay i just remembered the additional scene idea i had for discacc this chapter
in figuring out what scenes i want for this chapter i have decided to initiate the next step of the Goro Makes Friends agenda. i am looking forward to it
#speculation nation#discacc shit#from what i have in mind rn#scene 1 is lowkey. scene 2 is Something. scene 3 will be Lots of fun from both lmao but also a genuinely good thing for them to talk about#scene 4 is the scene idea that was birthed earlier today & initiates the next step of my agenda#and scene 5 aka last scene is smth ive been looking forward to for a while. so that's fun#honestly none of these r things im dreading to write. so Hooopefully that means it wont take me 2.5months to update again?#i need to actually figure out what i want to do for scene 2 more. that's probably the one im looking forward to the least.#just bc like. idk it needs to actually be interesting. but im not sure how to make it interesting.#i also probably need to make it so it's not too heavy. or else the chapter will feel unbalanced.#it's largely a chapter on relationship development. pretty heavily skewed towards goro ngl lol#though with more akira pov. somehow.#it goes. goro akira aklira goro akira. shaking up the alternating pov a bit this time#just bc. idk that's the way it's shaken out.#i dont want to try to find smth to insert between 2 and 3 because it doesnt ALWAYS have to be perfectly alternating#and idk. it just doesnt Really need to be?#but..hmmmmmmmmmmmm#i Could insert something. it'd possibly feed into scene 3 even so it's not a total filler scene.#and it would Further advance my goro relationships agenda. he'd get four separate Social Interaction Advancements here#hmm. i need to think on this more.#i guess this is just a very Goro Relationship heavy chapter#but hey i went sooooo fucking long having my Goro Makes Friends agenda go undeveloped.#he is finally in the prime position to be forced into friendships. and So It Will Go.#gotta get the development out of the way so that we can go on to the Drama lmfao
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I feel badddd but I don’t have the sore throat everyone else got I’m just snotty and got a headache type thing going on. I cannot get sick rn I need to. Write proofs. If I’m not peak condition I will not write proofs.
#I got my period and was hoping that post period clarity was gonna save me but. maybe I shouldn’t be a math major.#maybe I’m just not built for uni (it’s been 3 weeks)#I want. To. Have a lighter head. It feels really heavy rn.
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I started watching Owl House like a year ago, watched a few episodes but couldn't get into it. Gonna try again, looked back at the episodes I watched and none of the descriptions seem familiar. Did I ever even watch Owl House? Or is Disney+ and my mind lying to me
#i feel like im going insane#i swear i remember watching owl house. but i dont remember details. only the act of having watched it#disney+ says ive watched it. but none of these descriptions are ringing a bell#i feel lightly insane rn#i need something to watch thats not as heavy as tma#because i need to do something while i knit#but tma has been making me sad. so i need something lighter#considered rewatching she ra but it has associations with people in my mind#scrolling through d+ and saw owl house#is it good? should i watch it?#im so tired. this seems like an innocent post about an animated show#but really its about my battle with my memory#thank you for your time
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