#but its difficult to be an accomplice to someone who keeps trying to get rid of you

[companion-showdown]

Who is the Greatest Accomplice to the Doctor's War Crimes?

TOURNAMENT MASTERPOST

[twstoric]

shrouded in ambers

Jamil Viper Birthday Special!

𝕡𝕒𝕚𝕣𝕚𝕟𝕘: jamil viper x f!reader

𝕤𝕦𝕞𝕞𝕒𝕣𝕪: when you’re always crawling to be on the good graces of the al-asim family, there’s only one obstacle standing in your way—the loyal servant directly under the first prince himself

𝕨𝕒𝕣𝕟𝕚𝕟𝕘(𝕤): hate-sex?, non consensual touching (minor), slightly dub-con, cunnilingus, high sexual tension, semi-public sex, enemies to..?, servant!reader, slight au!

𝕨𝕠𝕣𝕕 𝕔𝕠𝕦𝕟𝕥: 2.7k

𝕟𝕠𝕥𝕖: grrr going feral for birthday boy jamil is great <3 and i apologise for any mistakes/typing erros—i was too lazy to proofread whoops-

 Having a smile plastered on your face is a custom in the life you live. Many people warm up much quicker to a seemingly kinder face than a gruff feature—you’re not sure of the detail but you get better responses from doing the former. 

You have a kind smile, you’re told often followed with your usual response of I just enjoy what I do, is all. That kindness of yours has taken you to great heights.

You’re adored by the Al-Asim family; trusted with tending to the younger family members and adjusting their troubles. You’ve climbed up the ranks in a silent hierarchy of servants through years of patience and endurance—you’re not going to allow yourself to fall into a life of poverty just because of a minor slip up. 

Then again, becoming a trusted maidservant of the Al-Asim family, one so close to the royal family themselves and not just for cleaning services, can be a difficult feat to acquire. Especially if you’re not from a line of family that’s been in service to them for generations. No, you were taken in from the slums and going back isn’t an option you’d want to make. 

You want a much higher pedestal. Somewhere you know they wouldn’t be able to get rid of you so easily if you slipped up just a bit because acting perfect on a day to day basis can be so tiring. It’s taken off more years in your life than any disease you know of.

The plan is simple: appeal to the higher ranking family members and you’re fine. The only problem is that the job you desire is already occupied—by someone you might as well consider as the devil incarnate.

“I see you still have the tendency to daydream,” Jamil’s voice is soft when he speaks, the meaning behind his words contrasting to the smooth timbre of his vocals and you have to hold back a glare when turning to him. 

The smile you offer comes naturally to you—trained to stretch on your lips at any given moment as you give the long-haired male a small bow. “Mister Viper. What a surprise.. are you not tending to the First Prince?” Your fingers are clasped together over your maids outfit, then thin material worn out from years of daily use but you take pride in maintaining the smooth white colour the dress comes in. 

Jamil’s face remains neutral, staring at you as if looking for your inner demons before he turns around. “I shall take my leave,” he utters, never losing the cool edge to his voice and you keep the smile on your face until his footsteps are no longer heard. 

When the silence once again envelops your surroundings, you can’t help the quiet huff you let out. Unbelievable, you think. Who does he think he is? He’s never liked you since the day you came and you’re not even sure why! Trying to befriend him is useless and acting polite towards him because he’s higher ranked than you gives you headaches. It’s almost too cruel how the irony of your desires is blocked by the single entity that makes your blood boil. 

Coming yourself with another hiff, you straighten your back, fingers smoothing out the wrinkles in your dress before you take the tray of tea in your hands. Time to go back to work.

‎ﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌﻌ

In life, too many complaints won’t get you anywhere—you know at least this much but again, for the umpetenth time, you can’t help the growing feeling of annoyance brewing up inside you whenever you’re called up to do something in ungodly hours. 

You’ve never had the best personality behind closed doors, afterall. So you’ll quietly complain whenever it's necessary (in your mind, of course. The risk of being overheard makes you paranoid).

The kitchen of the royal palace is spacious, stretching wide to accommodate the source of all the luxurious meals always prepared during occasions formal or not. It’s located in the further areas of the palace as any kitchen normally so as to make sure the smell of cooking food wouldn't stink up the area too much.

Because of its location, you find yourself walking quite the distance from your chambers and into an already dark kitchen. You can’t turn on the lights pass curfew so a small candle is your company as you prepare to boil water for the tea requested. 

The day had been much more hectic than usual. You can’t remember all the details when you’re one of the servants running around the palace to get everything done. It’s preparation for another event. That much you’re sure of but what type you don’t think you really care for the details. 

Fatigue and lack of sleep seems to be catching up to you. You find it difficult to keep your eyes open, resorting to pinching your arms to make sure the slight pain can keep you up and about. Too deep in your sense of tiredness, it takes a second for you to realise that the candle you’ve lit is already blown out—the fire from the stove your only source of lighting.

“Wh-? Ahh, shit, shit,” curses flow out of your mouth profusely, hurriedly reaching inside your dress pocket for a lighter. You’re not sure if it’s because of your fatigue, the chilly air, or even because of how dark it is but you’re fumbling with the match box, struggling to even open it in your panicked state. 

Just before you could properly light the match, the candle burns again with a new fire; the small flame used to light it aflame disappears with a shake of the hand. You stare unblinkingly at your newly lit candle, and as if slow motion, you trail up the hand near the small fire to find the familiar face of the First Prince’s personal servant.

“Mister.. Viper,” you greet, unsettled by his sudden appearance. You don’t think you even heard him come in let alone get so close to you like this. Were you so out of it that you weren’t able to hear anything…?

“What’re you doing in the kitchen so late at night?” Jamil gets to the point, crossing his arms over his chest and tilting his head questioningly. 

Your mouth opens and closes in response, mind blanking on how you should reply. “Um.. I was requested to make tea for..” Somehow, Jamil is moving closer to you, your vision going blurry before it only fills with the sight of him. “What- what’re you doing?”

Your breath hitches, the small of your back already pressing against the edge of the counter and Jamil places his hands behind you, trapping you between his arms. He leans closer.

“There’s an intruder trying to break into the castle,” he whispers, lips brushing against your ears and your face burns. Jamil does nothing after that. He doesn’t move away, doesn’t speak another word—his lips faintly brushes against your ears each time you breathe, your senses only filled with the warmth of Jamil’s body and how you can smell the strong scent of spices pressed so close to him like this.

“I don’t… Why are you telling me this?” All you can do is question back, lost on what he’s implying ang you tense when feeling his hand settling on your hip, pressing you harder against the counter. 

There’s something so… primal and raw in the way Jamil is touching you. His fingers hold your firmly in a soft pressure that if you weren’t so hyper aware of where his hands are, you wouldn’t notice that he’s already touching you. 

Jamil moves back enough to look at you, his other hand lifting from the counter to grasp your chin so you’re forced to look at him properly. “I believe that intruder is already inside,” he murmurs and you see something glinting in his eyes. Suddenly, his grip on you tightens, pulling your chin roughly towards him and his voice is firmer, “What’re you doing in the kitchen?”

You feel a sudden anger flaring in your chest. “Are you accusing me, Mister Viper?” You can’t help but spit out, glaring at him openly. “I already told you- I’m making tea.” 

Jamil smirks in response, uncaring of your sudden attitude as he lets you go. The male turns off the stove, your protest ignored as he turns to you again, leaning against the table from across you. “On whose orders are you making it for?”

“That’s-” the bite in your throat suddenly disappears. You blink in irritation before an unsettling feeling brews in your stomach. From who.. that’s... Of course it would be from one of the younger children, wouldn’t it..? But for them to stay up this late then.. the First Prince? But that would be Jamil’s responsibility—not yours.

You bite your lip, brows furrowing for a different reason now; confusion. “It was from a note,” your voice is quiet when you say this, gaze darting to the floor to avoid the smug look on the other’s face at your confession. How could you have not realised..?

Jamil takes quick strides over to you and before you know it, he’s turning you around and roughly pushing you down on the counter. You yelp, hands shooting out to soften the impact as Jamil presses his chest over your back. “Aren’t you too trusting… or maybe.. You’re an accomplice of this intruder?”

What.

“That’s- that’s-! Of course not!” You feel the shudder raking down your spine at the low hum Jamil makes from your words. Your face burns with humiliation, tears springing up to your eyes for a reason beyond you; you’re cursing Jamil to hell for all this.

“Why should I trust you? I’ve always found your sudden climb in ranks to be a little odd,” he sighs and the snarky remark you had disappears when you feel something hard pressing against your behind. The outline of Jamil’s growing erection presses against the thin material of your dress, slow languid rolls of his hips makes your body burn.

You’re quiet now; distracted by the way the brunet is rutting against you. Jamil is a difficult person for you to tolerate but you can’t deny how attractive he is. “So quiet suddenly?” And you want to curse the skies why he was given such an attractive voice.

His hold on you eases before there’s no longer any pressure holding you down. You get up slowly, pushing yourself up by the elbows and turning your head to see that Jamil has already moved some distance away from you. The neutral look he normally has is back. 

You think your heart might explode. He can’t just- do that and act like nothing happened..! There’s no words you can think of—verbal communication suddenly beyond you. All you can do is clutch at your dress weakly, your pussy feeling so empty and uncomfortably wet. 

“I can…” you gulp, voice hoarse and Jamil raises a brow in question. “I can help.. find the real intruder.” Your chest feels so fucking heavy now, the bruning heat in your body clouding all common sense. “To prove my innocence.” You add quickly as an afterthought, because you’re not doing this for him.

A small laugh leaves the latter’s mouth in response and you feel your brow twitch. “You’re a difficult person to deal with.”

Wha..?

Jamil pushes himself off the table, once again trapping you between his arms but you feel much calmer than before. The candle burning as your only source of light seems to emphasise the brunet’s features. Eyes slanted and shaped like a predator stares at you hungrily and feels natural for you to draw closer to him when Jamil leans over. “Always having a smile on your face when you’re clearly annoyed. Why are you so insistent on putting up a mask?”

His breath ghosts over your lips, body pressing close to you as if you weren’t close enough. You look into his eyes; searching for something and smiling when you find it. “Should I say the same to you?” 

The simple questions snaps whatever tension you’re in and Jamil crashes his lips to yours, prying your mouth open with his tongue and slithering in when you give him access. His hands wrap around your back, trailing down over your ass and squeezing you with greedy hands. 

You moan in response, pulling him closer by wrapping your hands around his neck and rolling your hips against the hard tent in his pants. Jamil groans softly, breaking the kiss to trail kisses down your jaw to your neck. His fingers tug the front of your dress down, the cotton tearing slightly from his rough ministrations but you don’t care about that when his lips reaches the skin above your breasts, marking you with love bites and easing the pain with the slow drag of his tongue. 

Much to your disappointment, Jamil doesn’t pull your dress any further down, instead, he’s the one getting on his knees; his hands trailing up your legs and hiking your dress along with it. Your dress settles over your hips, held by his hands as Jamil nudges your legs apart to trail kisses up your inner thigh.

You’re clenching around nothing, small gasps leaving your lips at every mark Jamil leaves with every inch closer to your aching core. “Please,” you can’t help but whine, tangling your hands in his hair. You feel Jamil smirk against your skin.

He pushes your undergarment to the side and your vision goes white from the first slow drag of Jamil’s tongue against your weeping cunt. The taste of you on his tongue makes Jamil feral—harsh strokes of his tongue against your outer lips before his mouth sucks and he’s eating you out like an animal. 

You’re struggling to keep your moans in, legs shaking with every suction of Jamil’s mouth on your core, greedily tasting every inch you can offer him. His hold on your thighs are brutal; not allowing you to close your legs. Your dress is no longer held up by his hands and falls over the male’s head, hiding him from view. 

You’re biting at your hands to keep your sounds in. It’s already so late at night and despite your location being in the further areas of the palace, if anyone were to walk in the kitchen then the first thing they’ll see is you, writhing and crying from a reason beyond them, Jamil hidden away behind a table and under your dress.

“A- ah-!” The yelp you let out echoes in the kitchen. You’re mortified by the sound but it’s only a second later that you're moaning again. Jamil’s fingers curl once again, dragging against your walls deliciously. His touch is gently, easily finding all the right buttons to push without too much prying as his mouth focuses on your clit. 

You whisper his name quietly, the only thing you can think of saying and it seems to spur the brunet to fuck his finger’s into you, easily finding your good spots and you’re coming with a strangled shout.

You don’t get to register how Jamil greedily sucks off your juices, throwing you into the edge of overstimulation before he finally pulls away; pushing your dress over his head. The blood rushes to your face, gaping at the way Jamil swiped his tongue over his lips as if to collect your juices and your squeak when the male suddenly pulls you into a kiss.

When you break away, Jamil is smirking at you handsomely, his thumb brushing over your bottom lip. “Should we get started then?” You nod absentmindedly, blinking at the satisfied smile Jamil gives you. “Then we’ll start with the main entrance. I think that’s most likely where they entered from because of the hectic preparations.”

“What?” You can’t help but ask dumbly. 

The laugh Jamil lets out makes you feel both warm and irritated. His eyes narrow when he looks at you but the smile on his face is still present. “I see.. Did you want to continue?” You can’t answer. Jamil smirks. 

He takes your wrist and you’re frozen in his stare as Jamil guides your hand to his erection. The hardness in your palm makes your mouth water and thighs clench uselessly as Jamil blinks his eyes slowly. “Don’t worry,” he reassures, pressing your hand harder against his clothed dick and groaning at the pressure. “Should we be able to catch the intruder then I’ll be sure to reward you.”

[coe-lilium]

Fate’s Avenger Amakusa Masuda Shirou Tokisada from FGO EoR III. 

Shimosa just passed its 2nd Jp birthday, has finally debuted in NA and my pipe dream of getting him as playable Servant is still a pipe dream, so to hell with it,  I made him sprite and profile myself. 

Hopefully I’ve managed to get the tone of official FGO profiles right. 

Warning: there are some brief spoilers for Arc 2

PROFILE

A nearly 40 years old Amakusa who survived the siege of Hara and lost himself to grief and hate to the point of resembling a vengeful ghost long before his death.  

Discrete as a swordsman, but experienced and lethal as a mage; a jaded person who looks younger than his age but behaves like he’s older.

The years of his life between Hara and the events occurred in the Shimosa pseudo parallel world are shrouded in mystery.

Height/Weight: 180cm - 66kg                                                                    Source: Historical Fact / Alternative history                                                Region of Origin: Japan                                                                          Alignment: Chaotic Evil                                                                              Gender: Male    

A very different person to the Heroic Spirit previously summoned by Chaldea.

Bond 1

Up until he was 17 years old, his life went down exactly as his PanHuman history self.

However, as he was bleeding and about to die a man dressed in ridiculous clothing sprung from thin air, got rid of the shogunate soldiers and quietly offered him a clawed hand. 

After some time of feverish nightmares, Amakusa recovered enough from his injuries to witness Hara castle being razed from distance, too weak to stop it as he’d be to stop the mass executions that followed. His despair began turning into hate when heads were lined up by the thousands. 

Edo and the shogun’s family burned to ashes few years after 1639 thanks to his and Douman’s sorceries, dooming Amakusa original timeline to erasure and setting him on the travels that ended in Shimosa.                                                 

Upon his arrival in Chaldea and made to confront Ruler’s presence he renounced the Amakusa title and retook his family name of Masuda.   

Bond 2

«Amakusa Shirou» always possessed a decent number of magic circuits and the ability to wield any form of magecraft as long as he connected his circuits to a foundation, but usually his short life and the lack of magical education prevented him to become fully aware of his powers and reaching his potential as mage. 

As Masuda is an “Amakusa who got to live”, he also got the chance to hone that ability and learn to use many types of curses and offensive magics, in which he now specialise. Thanks to time, studies and the occasional guidance of Douman he became a cruel and skilled mage. 

Similar to his Ruler self, his arms have become a Noble Phantasm.      

Bond 3

The attempt at looking like Chaldea’s Amakusa employed in Shimosa discarded, Avenger now appears in his late twenties even if he was 37 years old at the time of his death. 

He learnt a technique or two for slowing the ageing process but as he refuse to look as if he didn’t survive 1638 or be confused with Ruler, he settled for a decade of difference from both. Outside the off-putting red sclera, his hair and skin color are those he was born with.  

His clothes are identical to Ruler’s but in colors and details, the main difference in their attire being Avenger’s armor. The one he wears was gifted to Yamada Emonsaku by the government in one of the first worlds Masuda and Douman visited. Avenger, who by then had mostly recovered and was furious, hunted down Emonsaku, killed him and took the traitor’s armor for himself. 

He could’ve washed the blood or scrubbed the crest away anytime but chose not to, for reasons he probably won’t be albe to fully explain.

Bond 4

The events of the pseudo parallel world of Shimosa were the culmination of twenty years of travels, machinations and despair that once again ended in failure thanks to Musashi, Senji Muramasa and the Master with which he has now begrudgingly formed a pact… let’s just say he’s far from having the warmest attitude or personality in Chaldea. 

Upon his death he was registered into the Throne as a distinct soul for obscure motives, perhaps even thanks to the machinations of a certain AlterEgo. 

Summoning this individual instead of the PanHuman history younger self when trying to call forth «Amakusa Shirou» would be near impossibile without Chaldea’s FATE system.

Bond 5

What all my nightmares are made of                                                          Rank: A                             Type: Anti-Army                                                                                           Range: 1~200 Maximum number of targets: 500 people Hell of Shimabara

A Reality Marble exclusive to this “Amakusa Shirou” alone. For a given time, reality is overwritten by the mental world of the caster. In Avenger’s case, the targets will find themselves in a hellish landscape were the terrain is made of ashes and dead bodies, the air a deadly poison filled with pained screams, fires rages and the burning, half-collapsed castle of Hara towers over its old and new victims.

Difficult to escape from, other than the obvious purpose of killing its targets it can serve as a momentary cage and torture device to those its owner knows able to survive it but wants delayed or trapped for any reason.

Tends to be more effective when employed against Heroes with Good alignment or receptive to the suffering of people.          

Right Arm, Path to Wickedness Left Arm, Foundation of Hell’s Curses Rank: C Type: Anti-Unit Range: 1 Maximum Targets: 1

His hands that have become Noble Phantasms. With them, he had caused ‘miracles’ to occur before the rebellion and with them he learned many ways to destroy his enemies after the siege. Able to connect to any magecraft foundation, they form a ‘key’ that allows him to wield any form of magecraft to various degrees, even those he has no understanding of. 

A rank higher than Ruler’s thanks to Avenger’s additional decades of magical education and training.

Miike Tenta Mitsuyo Rank: C+ Type: Anti-Unit Range: 1 Maximum Targets: 1

the sword Avenger carries, formerly of a "certain one-eyed master swordsman”. While a simple armament in the hands of PanHuman Amakusa, Masuda has spent years strengthening his own and embedding it with curses, which results in it current state of being surrounded by fire (that and the amusing reactions a blazing sword tends to have on a common soldier). 

Even if the powerful being who aided him in his revenge was never a devil, the blade gained some traits of genuine demonic swords thanks to its owner different conviction, a process not unlike the one that gave the Assyrian empress the Gardens even when she had no true connection with them.         

Not impressive as far as demonic swords go, but its wounds are poisoned and can pose a serious danger to saints or otherwise religious figures. 

CHARACTER

Personality

A calculating man who is no stranger to sudden fits of rage or detached silences and keeps to himself. Abrasive with allies as with enemies, he tries his best to actively push people away, not last because of familiarity with solitude and for finding crowds of people to be distressing. 

The smug but not malicious attitude of Chaldea’s Amakusa was probably part of Avenger’s personality too in the past, before it turned into the current viciousness and gratuitous cruelty in actions and remarks.

Glimpses of a empathic and thoughtful person buried under the rage can still be seen, albeit rarely, with young heroic spirits or those who have suffered a great deal unprepared. Like a Master freshly out their first destroyed, innocent alternative history.   

Not impossible to mellow out, but the process to gain anything more than detached tolerance would be a long one.

Motives and attitude

Aware of having being used as test for the Lostbelts plot by someone he thought an ally, he summoned himself to Chaldea out of spite and to return the betrayal with interests. He still resent the Master for what happened in Shimosa, but he posses intel Chaldea could use and he’ll provide it with glee. Somehow similar to the Count’s reasoning for appearing in the Time Temple, just less benign. 

Focused and effective in battle, it’s best not pair him with Servants who use firearms and cannons. The sound could bring his memories back to Hara and leave him in a state that could jeopardise the fight.        

The relationship with the Master is particularly sour and he’d rather spend his time holed up with Holmes and Sokaris sharing informations and discussing strategies and chances against the remaining Crypters than giving Guda some time or finding selected fellow Servants to relax with. 

Nonetheless, Guda persists.   

RELATIONS

Amakusa Shirou Tokisada (Ruler)

A nightmare for both.

Avenger is torn between resentment and envy for the boy with whom he shares family, people and the pain of seeing them slaughtered… and yet choose to protect humanity and -he believes- had it easier by not having to live with the guilt of being the sole survivor of the massacre.                                                   If one were to discuss Ruler’s plan for the Grail and how it’s hardly the wish a «not troubled» individual would make, Avenger would dismiss the attempt to have him see how alike they are saying «but he did not kill thousands, did he?». After some time, however, his resentment will mostly die down and he’ll be relieved to see how happier the kid seems to be in this strange new life.             

Ruler is horrified to face what could’ve become of him and tries not to see nor interact with Avenger in any way, up to avoid pointing out that by being incarnated for decades after a certain summon he knows all too well how it feels to live with survivor’s guilt. Nonetheless, after the initial shock has passed, he’ll sneak behind his older self back and asks for other Servants’ cooperation in not letting this mirror of his be alone.        

Ashiya Douman

The one who saved him from the siege and helped him bury his mother and sisters after the shogunate had them executed. An accomplice and manipulator at the same time, who nonetheless was the only familiar face and constant help he had in twenty years and his main teacher in magic. He doesn’t know if he wants to toss Douman into the sea for leaving him to die in Onriedo, leave him to other Servants tender mercies or…    Either way, he won’t push the AlterEgo away unless he’s in a terrible mood.  

After Douman joins Chaldea, half of Avenger’s time is spent keeping him from stirring trouble or from being murdered by the likes of Fuuma Kotaro or Asklepios and their roles of guardian-charge get inverted. A single action is completely forbidden to his old ally: going anywhere near Amakusa.  

Edmond Dantes

A strange man. What business could someone like him have with his Ruler self? And why would he pester him instead of leaving him alone or in Limbo’s company? Still, he doesn’t completely resent the attempts. They joined forces in physically throwing Douman away that time the AlterEgo had the disgraced idea to approach Ruler.        

Jeanne Alter Santa Lily

Much to Amakusa and the Jeanne sisters initial horror, Avenger has taken a liking to Lily, who reminds him of his younger sister Man. He tends to keep his distance but won’t send the young Lancer away if she were to approach first.     

Saint Martha

No matter how disillusioned with God Avenger has become, he has nothing but respect for the saint his mother was named after, especially after seeing that her moral fortitude and fighting prowess are paired with the personality of a punk brawler instead of the distant and composed lady he expected. When addressing her, he’ll use the most formal and respectful register.    

Japanese Heroic Spirits connected to the Tokugawa clan or government

For the well being of everyone in Chaldea, keep them separated. The same advise would apply to any eventual Dutch Heroic Spirit.  

Senji Muramasa and Shinmen Musashi

«Keep them the fuck away from me if you don’t want Chaldea to be covered in dead people’s ashes».  

Other Avengers

Initially fascinated by Angra Mainyu, he began keeping him at arms length once he learnt of Angra’s circumstances of innocent scapegoat on the grounds of «a victim shouldn’t be compared with a real mass murderer» and the frankly bizarre tendency of the boy to flirt with his younger self.                                        Displaying a detached tolerance for Jeanne Alter’s noisy personality, they once drew their weapons against each other the time Jeanne was worried for Lily but the matter was quickly settled and they were back to barely interacting.        He finds himself at ease in Gorgon and Hessian Lobo’s company and can be found napping in Lobo’s fur from time to time.  

Chaldea’s versions of Shimosa’s Swordmasters

No reaction except a smirk or a sad smile depending on the mood. Disappointed Chaldea’s Kojiro is a completely different person from the one he knew. Douman is fine, but sometimes more than one familiar face to hang out with wouldn’t hurt.

[lon3lynation]

A Clexa AU Story that includes a soul searching road trip, long-distance friendship to relationship, phone conversations and Clarke demanding her car back from a thieving dick Lexa. Oh, and a lot of internal Lexa thoughts.

Chapter 3: Drive

Previous Chapter

"Sometimes, I feel the fear of uncertainty stinging clear And I can't help but ask myself how much I'll let the fear Take the wheel and steer

It's driven me before And it seems to have a vague, haunting mass appeal But lately I am beginning to find That I should be the one behind the wheel

Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there with open arms and open eyes

Whatever tomorrow brings I'll be there, I'll be there"

Drive by Incubus

6 straight hours.

Over 340 miles.

Lexa drove through Pennsylvania from NYC, stopping only once at a rest stop for a bathroom break and a gas refill. Anxiety had kept her alert during the whole drive but her tensed muscles and slightly blurred vision would be protesting by morning.

When the sunrise slowly made its appearance, now in the State of Virginia, she finally allowed herself to relax and exhale a tired breath. It felt like she had been holding it in the whole duration of her trip.

She had lost count of how many times she had checked her mirrors, filled with the paranoia that a police car would be on her tail. It was a challenge to resist the temptation to speed. With her luck, she would be seen and pulled over for speeding.

If that happened, it all would have ended for her right there. Over before it even had a chance to really begin. It would be her priority now to avoid making any reckless mistakes. She didn't need to arouse any sort of suspicion. Lexa usually did well going unnoticed and she didn't want that to change.

She really wanted - no, needed - to continue this soul searching voyage of hers. It truly felt like whatever she was searching for, it was just out of reach. Her fingers ached to stretch and grasp tightly to what she hoped would make her feel like a whole person again and that it had all been worth it.

In Richmond, VA, Lexa finally made the decision to allow her body to get its much deserved rest. Her eyes needed to rid itself of its blurry tired vision before it would be too risky to be on the road still.

Spotting the next available motel, she made the turn into the parking lot and parked the Jeep into an available spot before cutting the engine. She grabbed her backpack before hesitating for a minute to snatch Clarke's cell phone and shoving it into her jeans' pocket.

Moments later, Lexa entered her motel room and collapsed heavily onto the full-sized bed. It was nothing fancy, her room, but it was comfortable enough and clean. She didn't need anything more than that.

Between the thrill of successfully stealing a car, the post-anxiety, the whole unexpected conversation with Clarke and hours on the road, she was truly exhausted. Lexa didn't want to move a single inch but she mustered enough energy to move her backpack and the accidentally stolen phone onto a nearby table.

After she had abruptly ended the phone call with Clarke last night, she had felt a greater need to get out and far away from New York. It seemed very likely that the car would've been reported stolen shortly after that conversation. She had made it clear that she would not be returning the car back to Clarke.

It would be what any normal person whose car was stolen would do, right? Lexa knew if she had been the one with a stolen car, she would've instantly called the police and filed a report. She wouldn't have cared to amend things peacefully if she had been the one robbed.

Then again, she doubted that many people would've actually attempted to call the person who had stolen their property and try to get them to return it. She was pretty sure that wasn't a customary thing that happened between criminals and their unfortunate victims. That didn't seem to fit the case for Clarke.

Clarke did say she wasn't going to give up, that she was determined. She said she wouldn't report the car stolen. Apparently, the woman liked to go against the norm and do things differently.

Like making Lexa feel almost guilty during their call before she quickly ended it. She couldn't have that. She had gone through with her plan, got the car, left New York, and she wasn't about to let a stranger convince her to give it all up.

If she was ever going to return to New York, then it would be after she had reached the west coast and if she still wanted to be on the road, she would travel back east. As far as she was concerned, that wouldn't happen for some time. Months, even.

So, she pushed it to the back burner, deciding that nothing would force her to turn around. She wasn't about to let some deluded girl ruin her much overdue soul searching.

However, the whole thing did leave her unsure if there was a BOLO out on the car or not now. If there was, then she would put one of the fake plates she brought with her on the bumper. If there wasn't a report made, then she would most likely hold off on switching the plates. It was irritating how unconventional Clarke made this whole situation for her.

Lexa sighed tiredly before falling back into the bed, kicking her shoes off to the carpeted floor with soft thuds. More thoughts would have to wait for later. Her eyes were drifting shut and before she knew it, she was out like a light.

Someone is pounding on the door so loudly that it startles Lexa upright from where she lay sleeping on the bed. She freezes in position as she struggles to process what she's hearing and what it means.

A stranger banging on your door is never a good sign. Her heartbeat is quickly matching the quick pace of the pounding and breathing suddenly feels difficult. For a moment, Lexa finds herself feeling like a scared kid, wanting to close her eyes and wish the bad thing to go away.

But isn't she the bad thing that's now apparently trapped in the motel room?

Lexa jumps out of bed and runs toward the door, planting her back against it. The hard knocks send vibrations up and down her spine.

"Police! Open up right now!"

Shit, they found her.

Run! Escape! Go now!

Her mind shouts at her but Lexa's only way to escape is already compromised by the cops standing right outside her door. There is no way of getting past them, much less escaping their notice.

They have caught her.

She deflates, not understanding how she was found so quickly, but knows that she needs to surrender now.

"Okay! I'm co-...", she begins to alert them but suddenly trails off when hearing a muffled countdown from the other side.

No.

She tries to jump away in time but the door bursts open, splinters raining down everywhere and there's so much chaos.

She falls... and falls into infinite darkness to be devoured for all the sinful things she's done.

"No!"

Lexa shot awake, gasping out in fright as she quickly searched the room for anything or anyone out of place. There's nothing to be seen or heard. It was just her alone in a motel room after she had fallen asleep on the bed.

"I thought I was done with these dreams," she groaned to herself before smacking her hand down on the mattress in annoyance. After taking a moment to calm down, she eventually sighed to herself. "How long was I out?"

Slipping out of bed, she did a full-body stretch and observed the clock on the wall. Apparently, she was asleep for only 4 hours before the nightmare had woke her up. She had not missed the dreams. It's been nearly 3 years free of them haunting her unconsciousness.

She initially began having dreams when she learned how to successfully steal and found herself loving the thrill it provided. That first year was the hardest for her to come to terms with what she was doing. There was a lot of guilt, feeling torn between her morals and feeling unsure of how the hell to justify her actions.

There was also the fact that she feared she would get caught in the act every single time she did it and that police would instantly appear to toss her into jail. Of course, Anya totally loved to tease her about that but she also understood what Lexa was feeling and helped her come to terms with herself.

The dreams lessened after that and eventually, it stopped for good. It must've returned due to going through with her plan last night and the stress that followed after. Stealing a vehicle felt like a much bigger deal compared to the usual thievery she did to get by. It wasn't the same as being her friend's accomplice when she did it either.

With a little more time to process everything, she felt confident that things would go back to normal for her. She would find a way to deal like always. Until then, getting some food inside her to refuel sounded like heaven. The next step of her plan needed some figuring out, after all.

Deciding the little cafe next door would do, she readied herself before catching sight of the cell phone that laid on the table.

Right, that too.

She needed to decide what to do with it.

Snatching the phone up, she left her room and set about ordering lunch.

There were only a handful of people inside, so Lexa quickly found a desirable seat by the window after receiving and paying for her order. Removing the phone from her pocket, she set it on the table in front of her to stare at while preparing her coffee to her liking.

She could only imagine what she would find if she were to turn the phone back on. Missed calls, she predicted. Possibly all from Clarke if her hanging up on her didn't crush the woman's hopes of convincing her to return the car. It was safe to say she was curious, maybe, too curious for her own good.

Her mentor would tell her that keeping it could put her at risk of having her location tracked and to toss the phone in the dumpster. Be done with it. That'd be the most logical thing to do to keep yourself safe.

However, she could make good use of the phone for directions and to see if there was anything worth seeing before leaving Virginia. If she happened to also learn more about the person that confronted her over the phone, well, it didn't seem like too terrible of an idea. It could be useful to her if she heard from Clarke again.

Unwrapping her sandwich to take a bite, she turned the phone on with her free hand and observed the blue casing adorned with stickers before the welcome greeting for Clarke popped up. Swiping it aside to unlock the screen, which luckily wasn't password-protected, Lexa found her curiosity peaked at the photo used as the background.

Three young women, two of them dark-haired and a blonde, had their arms around each other. It appeared they were all in the middle of laughing when the picture was taken. It made the corner of Lexa's mouth twitched upwards for a moment. Last time she could remember having a picture taken of her looking so carefree had been with Costia. Her old wounds subtly ached at the reminder. It's been so long ago.

Lexa forced the reminder and ache away to refocus on the photo. She had felt a slight sense of recognition while looking at the three women. Her eyes kept going back to the blonde and the brunette with her hair down.

Oh.

She hadn't been close enough to really see their features well enough at the time but she remembered a blonde exiting the driver's side of the car and her friend out of the passenger side. O, had been the caller ID from last night. O and Clarke were in the photo with another friend of theirs.

That must mean the young woman with blonde hair was most likely Clarke. It had to be. Surprisingly, her first thought was that the girl had a very attractive smile and she wondered what her laughter sounded like. There had been nothing light in Clarke's tone when she finally answered the call. Her voice was filled with anger, desperation, and eventually, it softened toward the end as she tried to get Lexa to trust her.

She would never admit it out loud but normally girls with gruff voices like Clarke's tended to be a turn on for her. It apparently didn't sway far from that even when being called a thieving dick in that voice. Thankfully at the time, she was more distracted with the whole escaping New York thing to realize there was more than just amusement at the comment.

Shaking her head free of the realization, Lexa was glad to remain guilt-free and felt rather confident that Clarke would do just fine without her car.

Clearing her throat, she took a sip of her coffee as she decided to look for extra confirmation by clicking on the Instagram icon. It was still signed into Clarke's account. Her lips parted at seeing the deep blue eyes of Clarke's after clicking over to her profile to see her uploaded photos. Her eyes had been scrunched closed mid laughter in the wallpaper picture. Lexa wouldn't be surprised if most people got lost looking into those eyes. It felt like you could learn a lot about Clarke and her emotions if you searched deep enough.

Lexa believed her own eyes were probably empty looking compared to Clarke's. Cold and closed off. Only Anya got to witness her raw emotions once in a great while. It was rare when she would allow herself to crack open enough to let any vulnerability out. She couldn't even remember when she last cried.

Clarke appeared to be her exact opposite. If anything else, she was a reminder of a younger Lexa when she thought she finally found her place in the world and was loved. How things have changed.

Lexa enlarged the most recent photo, noticing it must have been taken last night. It was of Clarke leaning against the outside window of the corner store. An opened beer bottle was held loosely at her side and there were plastic bags filled with alcohol sitting around her feet. Clarke had looked off to the side, showing her profile with a look of irritation.

Beneath the photo it read:

Sorry, guys. I started without you because my car got fucking stolen.

Lexa winced slightly as she glanced at the comments below. Clarke's friends had some choice words for her without knowing the thief would actually end up seeing the comments. It was tempting to respond and perhaps scare them but that would be a pointless mistake to make.

Clarke had replied to one comment to reassure she would still make it to the birthday party. At least Lexa didn't completely ruin her plans. It was sort of strange as her thoughts wandered to what-ifs.

What if she had met Clarke before ever stealing her car?

Lexa believed that if she had seen Clarke at a bar or a club, she would have pursued her for a rare one night stand. She didn't have those as often but once a while she needed intimacy and release.

However, that hadn't been the case for them. Instead, Clarke was a victim to her thievery. There was no changing that even if she wanted to but she didn't, really. What was done, had been done.

Exiting the app, she decided to scroll through several missed calls. All were from Clarke, she suspected, clearly holding her friend's phone hostage over the night. There were also text messages sent to her from the same number - O - which confirmed her suspicions.

'That was rude as hell, you know?'

'Are you going back to ignoring me now? My car better be in one piece.'

'I meant it when I said I wouldn't involve the police. We can settle this between us. It's a win/win. I get my car back and you stay out of jail. Yay?'

'Answerr teh phon e!'

'yoy are such a nasshole. Im drunk and wastng my time calling u.'

'talk to me? please'

"i was shocked to hear ur voice. Youre not like a buff mean dude w/ such a nice feminine voice right? Thatd totally ruin m y imagination.'

And lastly, a text from this morning.

'Morning, criminal who continues to ignore my calls and texts. I'm fine with you not replying to my drunken ones. But can you please keep the car clean, at least?'

Lexa wasn't sure how she managed it, but in between chuckling and grinning into her cooling cup of coffee, she eventually finished her sandwich. It amazed her how persistent Clarke was acting. It was actually a bit impressive, if not also entirely entertaining too.

She was almost tempted to text back, to goad Clarke into another rant and perhaps tease her about already leaving a mess in the car. It'd make a nice distraction when she could use one. It was still a hell of an odd situation, conversing with the person that she stole a car from, but she hadn't expected to find herself intrigued by this Clarke.

Maybe it had been too long of a time since Lexa had really spoken to another woman around her age, much less befriending one. Not to mention that she had been longing for something new, unexpected, and even challenging. Clarke potentially had those attributes and that must be why she had taken an interest in seeing how it would all play out.

It was also a major bonus that Clarke hadn't reported the car stolen yet.

Guess that made the decision for her. She was going to hang onto the phone for the time being. It would be no problem for her to get rid of it quickly though if she ever needed to protect her location.

There was just one little thing that Lexa swore to herself to not do since she was keeping the phone now. If Clarke contacted her, then she would answer her. As for calling Clarke herself, she was absolutely not going to do that.

There had to be a line drawn somewhere.

No matter how much Clarke stated that she could be trusted, Lexa needed to stay guarded, at least for her own sake.

With that in mind, she looked back at the last of Clarke's texts and pondered what to type in response. It'll come to her, she figured, there was a lot to think about today as she continued to plan out her next step and destination. There had to be someplace in Virginia that she should experience before leaving.

Soon, she spotted a shelf filled with brochures of different local attractions by the counter. She picked out a few of them to look through after dumping her sandwich wrapper and cup in the trash.

Sitting back down by the window, Lexa read about Virginia Beach which would take her over an hour to get to the coastline. There was a 100 acres public park and Victorian estate called Maymont. She would visit that since it was in the same city, she was in. Lastly, she learned about Blue Ridge Parkway. The pictures alone were of such beautiful views and she wished to see them in person. It would take her opposite of Virginia Beach and a couple more hours to reach one of the several entrances to the mountain ridge.

A plan began to form in mind as Lexa allowed the anticipation to build. She was really doing this. There were so many places to visit and experience. She hoped they truly matched her expectations and more like they claimed in the brochures. She was tired of disappointment.

Today, she would explore what Maymont had to offer. Virginia Beach and Blue Ridge Parkway would have her back on the road tomorrow. She was ready to witness all that this road trip had to show her.

Having made her decisions, Lexa picked up the cell phone and returned to her motel room. She was in need of a hot shower to further relax her muscles but first, she responded to Clarke's texts with two of her own.

'Are you aware that you're displaying the 7 stages of grief, Clarke?'

'Also now I'm curious to know what you were drunkenly imagining as you thought of me with my nice feminine voice, hm?'

Later, a hangover Clarke would happily grin at finally receiving a response. It soon fell when she groaned softly to herself feeling embarrassed at the reminder of her drunk texting but also intrigued that her car thief fixated on that particular one.

Wasn't that specific conversation sort of…

Flirty?

[amuerion]

Super-Size SFW Meihem Headcanons Collection Incoming!

Hello to everyone out there! I saw that this tag could use some cheering up, so I decided to join in the fun and share a little meihem (and friends) headcanon collection of my own.

Right away, the post itself is massively long and several of these are quite detailed.

 I have collected many of these for a while. I wanted to make a post that covered a lot and maybe would even be something to return to, instead of creating a bunch of smaller ones. You might even have seen a few smaller ones of these around already that I have shared on anon or my main blog. But I tried my best to split it into topic sections to make it easier to read and find your way around!

For compactness’ sake, you’ll find everything under the Read More link!

Basis: Overwatch Joined Forces AU

1. They Wish to Do WHAT Now?!

Mei can’t believe her ears and eyes, as her colleagues tell her that two junkers she met before want to offer them their help. How shall this no-good bully called Junkrat and his colossus of an accomplice Roadhog possibly be interested in striking back against Talon and other shady forces that dare to provoke another Omnic crisis?

Would the impending destruction not be a cause of celebration for the two junkers? Or even worse, could they fake their willingness and just mean to make it easier for Talon and cohorts to destroy what is left of Overwatch and its allies from the inside?! Mei certainly finds no good reason to believe them.

There is something Mei can agree on with a few others, though: It is better for the junkers to use their massive fire power against the threats for humanity, instead of continuing to be another threat to humanity themselves. And should they wish to play the game for the fate of the world on the side of Overwatch, they’d have to play by the rules of theirs and reconsider thrice, whether they want to try anything rash.

With great caution, Mei finally agrees on the teaming up and supports the majority of the vote in the crew. However, she is dedicated to keep her eye on the junkers, knowing that they’d have to get through her and all the others first, should they seriously dare to fool them.

2. S’long as the Payment’s Roight

But in all seriousness, Junkrat is willing to give it a shot. While his bodyguard Roadhog is validly skeptical - since their earlier tries to switch sides were anything but a success - and considers the chances of this working laughable, Junkrat objects since, at least to some degree, they and the Overwatch crew sit in the same boat.

For as long as he can think, Junkrat and all the others he got to know in the irradiated outback had been oppressed and let down by the government, forcing them into crime and battles of resistance for freedom and compensation for the injustice they suffered - with no hope of change in sight. The people of Overwatch dedicated their lives to the well-being of the world, for the citizens with the citizens all across the globe. But the more said citizens mistrusted them in their procedures and decisions, the more they were considered to be a threat instead of help, finally leading to their further existence as a hero association to be thought of as not desireable by the leading heads of the law. Thus, even when their origins and methods may be different, both the remaining heroes of Overwatch and the rebelling junkers continue to work illegally for what they consider important to them.

Joining Overwatch and finding a way to make his bombs damage the property of all the ones who rid the innocent of all that is rightfully theirs and find joy in making the masses suffer for their own irresponsibilities and lack of backbone? Getting another safety net of protection and a chance to distance himself further from earlier forced contacts and experiences with Talon members and Sombra, while giving Roadhog a break every now and then? And all of this with a solid payment? Gladly! And with that, Junkrat cemented his decision, while Roadhog thinks to himself that Rat will either have to learn the hard way, or he will be the one to stand corrected. Only time will tell.

 Furthermore, Junkrat is quite thankful that the discussion about how to proceed with the Omnics is still up for an immense debate at the headquarters. He might does not see himself siding with the Omnic supporters anytime soon, but luckily the experiences of the crew are diverse, instead of a stream of yes-sayers without sound reasoning to back up their position. As diverse are their plans on what the next move should be and the factors of future threat are not thrown under the rug. Junkrat looks forward to see where all of this could go...and also to meet a certain scientist again that he is determined to prove wrong regarding the impression about himself.

3. Getting to Know and Love Mei

Junkrat gets to learn a whole lot more about Mei, during their work together for the same cause: She is a rather shy person at first that does not believe her own passions to be all that interesting to others. When she finds this worry to be unjustified after a long time of bonding and being encouraged to tell more about herself, she is hardly stoppable in conversation, though.

She genuinely loves learning, every chance to travel excites her and she likes to draw and report about her journeys to others (though she does not have much self-esteem when it comes to the presented results of these two interests). It is great to have someone in Mei that you can discuss sincere topics with, as much as you can goof around with her, once she feels comfortable.

Junkrat admires that it shows how much she cares for her profession with all her heart. He gladly listens to her about all the theories and experiences known to Mei. Even when he cannot grasp all of them in entirety, it is nice to just see her talk with such admiration, love and warmth showing in her face from all the joy. Mei is not afraid to take on challenging and difficult jobs all by herself. She is very thorough with all of it and always looks for a way to improve.

That Mei lost the entire work team and circle of closest friends in the tragedy of Ecopoint Antarctica is something Junkrat feels awfully sorry about, because he experienced first hand what it feels like when someone you treasure is pulled out of your life with brute force - but without warning. He is all the more impressed for the fact that this did not make Mei give up on everything there is. Instead, she still has such a positive outlook on life, tries to be of help to the ones that cannot help themselves, is convinced that everything happens for a reason and thinks of everyone else first, before she does something good for herself. He never quite got to know someone like Mei who decides to shed a tear for the otherwise forgotten and determined to carry the weight of the problems of others whenever they cry out for support.

Mei herself does not feel as big and impressive as described, however. She often wishes she was stronger and would not let her temper get the best of her. Her heavily empathic heart makes it easier for her to jump to quick conclusions due to her huge protective spirit and when her courage is pushed to its limits. Her honesty and getting so deeply involved with other people’s issues makes her also all the more attackable for the ones who wish her ill. In fact, she often fears that she turns out to be far too small to carry the beloved home she tries to save on her shoulders in the long run - perhaps her efforts will turn out to outlive her, or even not at all.

Junkrat cannot relate to these worries. To him, it is a whole different level of “being tall” to be strong enough to show yourself to the world as you truly wish to be seen, instead of hiding behind an alibi that seems most convenient to gain as much support and profit possible. On top of that, he considers it valuable that she likes to speak her mind truthfully and shows so much care for the people around her. That has become quite a rarity in these demanding times.

There is also no reason for him why she should wish to be taller in size whatsoever. In fact, Junkrat thinks that she is small in physique only makes her more huggable and a nicely compact bundle of sunshine. That and she does not have to worry about inconveniently limited door frames and prehistoric “How’s the weather up there?”-jokes like him all the time.

Overall, Junkrat considers Mei to be adorable and very pretty. He loves all the things about her that she cannot hide, like her gentle smile, her hands that are always warm, her silky hair to get lost in, her puffy cheeks and cuddly self. But the things that she actually tries to hide is what he loves just as much, like all the cute little noises of content, surprise, happiness and feeling flattered she makes, her laughter that ranges from adorable giggles all the way to a hysterical seagull over the most diverse things and how out of this world she can look in festive and elegant attire.

Mei is a bit embarassed about a lot of these things and prefers to show herself in a casually comfy style, instead. She often fears to overdo it when she is getting dressed up, especially when most of the magic is gone by the next morning. But Junkrat doesn’t care. He is certain that the morning Mei, with her hair all over the place like a sea urchin, in nothing but a nightdress and yeti slippers, warning him to roll over to avoid her bad-morning-fish-cutter-breath, as she turbulently searches for her glasses with mole vision, is just as gorgeous as the Mei that shimmers like an entire firework on her own in her festive dress on a way to a friend’s birthday party. 

One time, Junkrat found out that Mei is very embracing and encouraging when it comes to the beauty in the diversity of people. She thinks that any person, no matter where they are from, no matter what they look like and no matter how much transformation they undergo to arrive at being the person they truly want to be, can be incredibly beautiful when they have a positively fruitful soul that impacts the world and shines through them for everyone else to notice. It was that conviction that finally lit the spark to cause a fire in Junkrat that seemed to be impossible to suffocate - that he himself did not want to suffocate.

4. Getting to Know and Love Junkrat

Also Mei slowly but surely expands her first impression of Junkrat by a lot of things she never would have believed to witness, before they continued to work together. She learns to team up with him, but who she learns to appreciate is Jamison Fawkes in his entirety.

She is amazed by how outgoing he is, how even nerve-demanding pressure can’t get him to back down, how immensely happy about the littlest things in life and how loyal he is - he may does not always know how to help right away, but his willingness to do so is indestructible.

The more people got used to Junkrat being a part of the team, the more Mei got to see how encouraging, supportive and honestly interested in others he could be: Junkrat loves to laugh and make others laugh. He comes up with the most horrible puns and hilarious stories in the blink of an eye, if he really wants to, and likes to bond with people, or “beautiful freaks” as he jokingly calls all the ones that catch his interest, over the things that keep them going in life a lot. He takes an immense interest in what moves them, since there is such a huge variety of personalities around the world and even huger stories behind it. It is exciting to him to understand why some of them became who they are now, mainly also because not many people made an effort to understand someone like him by all that life has thrown him into. Junkrat enjoys to have a good discussion with Mei about science, tell Lúcio what unfolds in front of his inner eye by listening to his music and wishes to learn how to make music himself, preferably how to play the guitar for personal reasons. Travelling trough video game history with all the gems that D. Va’s family has held on to for generations is something he always looks forward to and he is even willing to convince the moody top engineer Torbjörn to help him to create alternative, water-proof fin prosthetics in his workshop, so that Roadhog can teach him how to swim in the HQ pool and they can share another hobby that does his well-trusted companion good, especially. He brings all of them together and slowly becomes more protective and affectionate, the more he dares to consider these few rare people that get along with him family.

Despite all of these efforts, not many decide that Junkrat is a person that they want to stick around with. Over the course of his life in the outback, several fellow junkers did not appreciate his eccentric nature. During their shared hardships, not many appreciated him being overly enthusiastic about things he enjoys, nor that he tried to mix well and was chatty. He can be emotionally impulsive, has a very vivid face, likes to gesticulate and often wishes to reassure himself he understood everything. Together with the fact that it does not stop him from sometimes being clumsy, loud and dangerously honest and harsh while uttering his opinions - no matter if somebody asked for it or not - this is an overall package many did not wish to like, not even wish to tolerate. This pendulum of different behaviours and emotional outlooks on life make him pretty hard to read for the people around him - some are not even sure whether the entire of it is also the entirety of his character, or just a really good act. Since his life of crime forced him into several disguises and schemes of actions, the latter would not surprise them. Even Roadhog took years of shared travels to get used to Junkrat in his entirety, while still considering him a difficult and demanding personality sometimes. Thus, rejection and unintentional wounding of the ones that would be the last people he’d want to hurt hit him very hard.

Junkrat likes to take these slip-ups as a footboard for better times, however. He is often embarassed about having made grave mistakes yet again at first, but taking some time to see the reasons of why certain things didn’t go his way only make him persistent enough to search for a chance to improve as a whole. This kind of mentality shows in his growing as a person and his work, which is a thing that Mei admires a lot. Junkrat never consideres a case entirely hopeless and manages to create and recreate unexpectedly good machinery out of broken parts that anyone else would have given up on. He likes to give the things that everyone else throws over their shoulders a way of finding back to proper use.

It wasn’t easy for Junkrat to tell Mei about everything that he had gone through in the irradiated outback, but it felt good to finally let it all sink in with someone who really listens and cares for everyone involved. She was horrified about all that she got to hear and wished utterly that she’d have some way to help them. Junkrat appreciates the sympathy, but it all came down to their survival depending on themselves. Mei does not dare to state that she feels bad about what happened, now that she has been made fully aware, since what she feels out of empathy could not possibly be a tenth of the suffering someone goes through who has been right there to experience it first hand in her opinion. She can only try to imagine how it felt for Junkrat to see earlier allies and competition in the irradiated wasteland alike fighting for freedom and justice - including his parents - only to pay for it with slowly decaying bodies and sanity. There were people you wished to fight for, but couldn’t. Others were there, which you n e v e r wished to raise your weapon against, but still had to...and had he not have been lucky enough to stumble across Roadhog and get out of this mess, there’d been no way he’d be able to sit around and tell anyone about it nowadays. After several years of travels around the world, the experiences of those days range from saddening to downright disgusting, of which Roadhog still refuses to discuss many - even with him.

The fact that Junkrat never entirely lost all that he is to these struggles and learned to carry this weight and the ones lost to this battle in his memory, makes it all the more jaw-dropping for Mei. All of these horrors only made his love for life stronger and whatever it tried to steal from him is something he was sure to regain. In all honesty, Mei is uncertain what she would do, would she suddenly lose an arm, a leg, or even both. But these fears vanish into thin air, when she sees how Junkrat handles several daily things successfully, even when he takes the heavy prosthetics off. He does it in situations when he feels fully safe and uses what remained of his limbs to act out of habit. It makes her incredibly happy that they both were able to create such a safe space for him, which makes it seem like it never had been any different. Obviously, all of what he had to face broke him...but it didn’t break h i m. A conviction Mei found inspiration in...and the thought that Junkrat was far more than a team mate.

Junkrat is quite glad that Mei thinks about it that way sometimes, since it is often difficult for him to believe that himself. If there is something that frustrates him every now and then, it is how often others worry about his well-being. It is not like he does not appreciate the caring gestures and questions of the ones that learned to like him, but he simply is not used to the luxury that he does not have to keep his troubles all to himself. He is aware that everyone has a heavy cross of their own to carry, which is why he simply tries to swallow down his own troubles and not to be a bother with it. However, he is an incredibly terrible liar and especially for Mei it is easy to read from the changes in his facial expressions and voice that something is the matter. Junkrat wishes there were not so many causes of concern with his person for Mei, like his usually small appetite, phantom pain, sensitivities to certain types of weather, troubles from his long exposure to the radiation and how his destruction rage gets the better of him often. It is simply in Mei’s nature to be a people person and someone who easily worries, but he knows how much it gets to her that other’s around her are in dire need of support. Junkrat’s past liked to enforce the thought onto him that he is just another burden that others had to constantly take care of. Mei and everyone else however pushes that thought far away as possible, simply being convinced that Junkrat is worth protecting.

It is clear to Junkrat that he cannot be anything other but himself and that the desperate past times demanded desperate measures that cannot be undone. Still, certain situations make him wish that he could give Mei the full support and comfort experience she deserves. He enjoys being completely enwrapped in her love so much that he can’t help but believe that it must be severely lacking for her on his behalf. By all that he lost physically and in direct comparison to how she makes him feel, he cannot shake off the idea that an incomplete body equals to a not entirely fulfilling experience when they are close and sweet on each other. There are so many things in looks that he loves about her and that are so strikingly different from his own features that he wonders whether they are more a thing to put up with for her, rather than to fully enjoy.

Mei however could not care less. She sees no problem in the many bald spots on his head. It makes her give all the little places of his remaining hair a nice and equal amount of affectionate ruffling. Every single one. Also the heavy bags under his eyes don’t matter to her. She is too busy admiring the colour of his eyes above them. She is more than alright with him covered in smudges often, only to discover the freckles and sunspots underneath. Mei loves his overbite that gives her a warm, gentle smile ever so often and the beard stubbles she finds below that tickle her awake in the morning. She feels just as nicely caressed by what remained of the limbs on his right side as by his complete left one and should he ever feel insecure about it, it gives her all the more reasons to kiss his stubs, caress them back and to get a hold of them, as she lays down beside him to complete him as much as he completed her by being so inherently different.  

5. All These Moments That No One Can Steal from Me

Mei and Junkrat love to collect memories of all their adventures. No matter if they stumble across legendary views, local oddities or other things worth remembering.

D . Va has been a huge help of gathering and presenting all of these in a newcomer invention of her home country: The Cosmonautilus-Cam. Not only is it able to take pictures and record smaller films that can be manipulated in progression speed, but also project the contents of some photos in 3D-models, make only certain aspects of the pictures move or even present it with certain sounds of the local landscapes you captured, which you can filter out individually by choice. Both of them are thankful for such a handy gift of hers.

Since Mei is always so dedicated to multi-tasking, there are several things during their travels that she was unable to pay attention to at first glance, but appreciates all the more in the long run.

Junkrat however is just happy to have a way of reliving these moments, that the course of time cannot take away from him. It saddens him that there are several somethings of his past, even somebodies, that he tries to remember at all costs, which can never be brought back into existence. And as quick-witted as he is coming up with plans and remembering countless details about the things that catch his interest, the more terrifying it becomes that sometimes he will just stop talking in mid-conversation, forgetting what he was trying to get at - or march off to get a small task done, but do anything else but what he came there for to begin with. Some people might consider these things to be a threat of your memory to slowly fail you in the long run - but Junkrat is determined to not let that become the usual state of things.

Mei tries her best to ease his worries, whenever this comes up: It may could be the case, that their memory will fail them one day, that names and circumstances become foggy... but there is no possible way that they could ever forget how the stories of their lives and especially the people in it, made them feel.

6. Experience Festivities

 Mei loves to explore the value other people and cultures see in the things they celebrate, how much care goes into the decorations and that the world comes together to say thank you to the one and only home they have and anyone who makes it great.

Junkrat prefers to be an active part of the preparations, no matter if that means creating gifts for somebody, lending a hand at cooking, making his own fireworks, or helping out to set up meeting spots for the team.

At best, these things overlap with missions, like securing top secret data at a masquerade ball in Venice, before Talon gets it, or bringing support packages with food and other supplies to people whose cities suffered from Titan Omnic attacks around Thanksgiving. Of course Junkrat often insists on diguising himself in suiting attire to be able to help out, as in a jester for the former and a scarecrow for the latter.

Their love for sharing these experiences together even makes them put up with things they would not like doing alone. Mei sure doesn’t like the heat of summer. But there is no way she is missing out on a beach volleyball tournament, sand castle contests, a friendship bowl with thirty different flavours of ice cream, fire dancers and seeing the bioluminescent waves with Junkrat, as they send sky lanterns up with their best wishes up to the clouds.

Junkrat sure doesn’t like the cold of winter. But that becomes meaningless, once he gets to see the Christmas markets, drinks the best mulled wine, learns how to ice sculpt, enjoys the intensity of philharmonic orchestra year’s retrospect music or simply gets to share a large, warm parka with Mei, as they huddle together and he rests his head on hers, listening to her admire his firework programme for New Year’s celebrations in awe.

7. All in Good Fun?

After all this time, Mei still doesn’t know what to make of Junkrat’s teasing kind of humour. She is no big fan of him making fun of any way how others are, what hey like to do, or their slip-ups.

To her surprise, Junkrat explained to her that this was one of his many manners to befriend people that caught his interest: He is able to laugh at anything that makes somebody just the way they are - including himself.

But meanwhile Mei still doesn’t get it: Just why would you spend your time saying something rude to someone else, when you have so many nice things to say about them that you could get to, instead? Due to her own past of fighting back against bullies, she has made several negative experiences with that kind of behaviour and thus rather wishes to be supportive of people.

Junkrat explains it only happens in good fun with him and he does not mean to hurt the feelings of somebody he genuinely likes. Not to mention, if somebody he does that with doesn’t explicitly state they mind, why should Mei waste her time worrying and get upset over it in their name? At least that’s what he’s thinking. In fact, Junkrat has been bullied just like Mei all the time back in the outback and been the laughing stock of others for countless reasons. But instead of getting upset about it like her, he sees laughing right back at them as the best way to upset them, since that is a reaction that they do not wish to see stemming from it. It’s his personal way to cope with it and to prepare others to not let such things get to them.

 They both agree to disagree on the coping, but Mei tries her best to go easier on him when it comes to this. In return, Junkrat tries his best to tone it down around Mei, since she takes such things to heart easily - and to avoid her death stares should he take it too far, according to her. Junkrat is even willing to pinch her side with a winking smile, reminding her he is just kidding when she seems intimidated.

With some others it works just fine, though: Reinhardt and Torbjörn make fun of each other on a daily basis and are thick as thieves. Roadhog accepted it, because he is convinced that you can’t change people, unless they decide to do that themselves. D. Va does it in her streams all the time and Lúcio is usually too in synch with all layers of the universe to care.

Nevertheless, he appreciates all of them and is the first to take a stand, should somebody seriously have a go at them with the sincere intention of wounding them and gaining satisfaction from breaking them emotionally. He finds his common ground with Mei in the conviction that this is an absolute no-go. You can pull Junkrat through the mud til you drop, he is used to it, but if you dare to insult one of the people he considers precious, you’re as good as done for.

8. Deary Me, Those Puns...

If there is something that Mei and Junkrat love to do, while everyone else groans “Oh snap, here we go...”, it is hosting puntests. It begins suddenly. Without warning. One of them starts making a pun that is almost physically painful...while the other tries to outdo it with one that is even worse.

But none of the two wishes to admit defeat and risk having to pay up for dinner, wear an embarrassing costume or invite the whole gang to Domino Day - even when nobody asked for it. So the puntest continues...All. Day. Long. 

Thus, Junkrat and Mei are off to dedicate themselves to “sinister intrigues”...such as ordering a large orcmount of pizza with Lúcio, encouraging Torbjörn to give it his all for the allionce in Hearthstone, surprising Roadhog with a visit, while he repairs his bike, without an appoinkment of course, assuring that they know the crocodial by heart, should they get into trouble near the Nile and wishing Zarya nothing but the best and a Happy Bearsday and many reasons to celebread her new year of life after dinner...and those are not even the worst ones...

9. From the Best and Worst of Movies

No matter how tight her schedule is, Mei insists on catching up on at least some of her favourite shows. Intrigued by what she gets so invested in, Junkrat joins her and gets to see several of Mei’s favourite movies and series, mainly “Call the Law” - starring Olivia Rai.

While they both came to just enjoy the entertainment, they have to admit that choosing some of the most awful and obscure movies to watch has become funnier for them - most awful as in: So hilariously bad that it is already rad.

Especially with action movies, Junkrat is unstoppable when it comes to calling out the “amateur” villains on their fool-proof plans that hold no water, as Mei develops a blazing passion for passive-aggressively commenting on as forced as half-hearted character interactions and plot devices.

That is why mostly every Friday night follows a A-B-Week plan: Week A Fridays are all for the golden Must Sees for two...Week B Fridays however end up in the certainty that everybody can come up with a better script, muting the audio and impromptu voice acting and sound-effecting an entire movie with anyone who feels dangerous enough to join and create voice killers from laughter like “Assisted Living with Killer Moths Abridged”.

10. Mei’s Top Secret Hobby

Speaking of Olivia Rai: Mei considers her a role-model since her early student years. She is forever inspired by her self-confident, considerate person that always invents herself anew when it comes to style and life-dedication.

Naturally, she watched all the movies, interviews, uses philosophical and inspiring quotes by her whenever appropriate, read all the books and listens to the songs Olivia has sung for either movies she acted in or album projects of her own.

She adores the strength and harmony of these songs so much, that she not only uses them for a boost of courage to tackle new things, but also to sing them aloud while cleaning the lab and making other demanding chores easier.

But the entire performance recreated by heart and at the top of her lungs suddenly stops, as she finds out in embarassment that Junkrat had watched her carefully with a smirk on his face for way too long...at least that is what Mei thinks. As he teases her about how you just have to nerd it out sometimes, Mei flatout denies her pleasure in filling Olivia’s shoes, while nobody’s looking.

What Mei knows is that she does not want the truth to be spilled and spread...who knows how people will react when they see her do exactly this? What she doesn’t know however is that Junkrat has the songs stuck in his head and really wants others to see how much love goes into it...and that’s all Mei’s fault.

11. No, Your Self-Sacrifice Is Not Appreciated

It is for certain that Junkrat and Mei wrangle every now and then, as well. If there is something that Mei cannot stand, it is Junkrat’s self-destructive behaviour in combat. Affronting their enemies is anything but easy. In fact, often a lot more things go wrong on missions, than Overwatch recruits prefer. But for Mei this looks like no legit excuse whatsoever for Junkrat to pull stunts without warning by putting himself into life-threatening danger on his own against an army of opponents - even if that means he gains time and advantages for his team.

Junkrat can’t wrap his head around her anger. To him it seems only logical to risk getting seriously injured, or even abandon a limb for the sake of saving someone else. He found a way to bring these back. He found his way to cope with the pain. He will do so again, if necessary. They are replacable. But anyone else on the team is irreplacable. And the lack of their presence and well-being is a thing that nobody wants to cope with. For Junkrat a logical conclusion.

It is when he describes himself as “the smallest loss” with a chuckle, that all red flags rise in Mei’s head and she begins to scream in disagreement. Their shared time and work made her object, while her empathic nature makes her feel all the suffering and sources of where this thinking of his comes from...and how others tried to enforce that way of thinking on her, too, in the past...and how it turns her stomach upside down to know someone she cares for is not alright...

Meanwhile, Junkrat has to cope with witnessing the impossible made possible: That someone wants to hold him close and actually cries for him. It is hard to believe that this is really happening, when you went through years of the same, diabolical, triumphant chant for years: You don’t amount to anything. It will never change, no matter how hard you try. Because half the world will never notice and the rest will never care.

12. You’re Making a Big Deal of Something That Ain’t Real

Something that Junkrat cannot stand about Mei is that she has this inexplicable need to make problems out of things that are anything but problems.

Throughout her past, Mei indeed did not have a lot of friends. Many considered her dream unsuited for her and impossible to accomplish. Her parents enforced the highest expectations to her with the wish for nothing but success - preferably in the fields they considered convenient. As long as one can’t throne, one automatically won’t do.

She had hardly any time for something that did not include improving her skills and broading her horizon, making her a target for bullying, since many misinterpreted her strict, distant, shy and determined attitude as a way to show that she stands above everyone else. In reality, she struggled with an act of balance of not being a disappointment and somehow finding an emergency exit to not become a person she doesn’t want to be.

It is only when she packed her things and ran for the study metropolis near Lijiang Tower as a young adult to live an independent life and accomplish her dream to become a climatologist, that she found like-minded people that accepted her just the way she is...until the tragedy at Ecopoint Antarctica took every single one of them away from her. For Mei, it was life’s way to tell her: No. You are indeed not supposed to have this. As if the spit in the face by fate wasn’t enough, she had no other choice but to answer questions to the pushy media she did not want to answer and bring the message to the remaining loved ones, insisting towards children stuck in crying cramps that she indeed was not lying and their parent would never return.

In the reassembling of Overwatch she sees her final chance to regain what her past tried to take away from her, which is why she must not mess it up at all costs. The reason why she fears passive-aggressive attacks towards herself hidden in sarcasm or teasing jokes is because she was exposed to exactly that for years. When she cannot work for a day because her body is unable to be a strong as her mind, she tears up, feeling like she lets everyone she knows and had known down when that is unacceptable. And when getting to know new people, every single smalltalk feels like walking through a minefield of fearing to make one decisive mistake to come off as a person to avoid - even when she does not want to happen - and overanalysing and debating for hours and hours what others have said and possibly really could have meant.

Junkrat’s mind is blown by the fact that the person that says “Hey! Chill Out!” is the one who most likely should follow her own advice. It has made quite a bunch of situations which were meant to be fun nothing but demanding and overly complicated. And Mei knows that. She is aware that her extreme fear of messing it up will only provoke said fear to become real - and that she should finally abandon it all because in the end, nobody can stop themselves from making mistakes for as long as they live. But no matter how often people love to see her, thank her for being such an immense help for the team or considering her inspiring and someone they do not wish to enjoy themselves without, she still cannot fully bring herself to accept that she won’t lose again.

As often as it caused a hundred times of “Sorry!”, headaches, grinding teeth and tears, Junkrat is incredibly understanding and patient with Mei. He is fully aware that everybody gets their wounds from somewhere else, which can take a brutal amount of time to heal, while scars of it will always remain. Truthfully, it is not the case that she does this to him or their friends when she behaves like this that mainly upsets him. It’s the fact that she is doing that to herself.

13. Friendly Reminder to Take Care of Yourself

Some could argue that Junkrat takes his work a bit too seriously sometimes. Especially when the preparation for a mission demands the progress on a new type of bomb, he will make sure that the result is nothing but perfect - even if that means he has to work on it for nine hours til the morning light and do nothing else.

Mei often finds him grumpy from lack of anything refreshing. He leans over his working table, like he did before she went to sleep, as he told her he was “Almost done. Almost.” back then.

That is why Mei decided to help along. She messages him with a little alarm and note every hour of his working phases over the communicator, so that he remembers to take a couple of minutes to have a bite, a sip, or rest his eyes. It is a lot easier done when you notice someone is genuinely concerned about you. That leaves almost nothing for her to worry about.

14. Can You Stop Writing a Dissertation in Bed, but Actually Recover like Anyone Else?!?

A big reason to worry for Junkrat is any time Mei falls ill, though. It happens to her very rarely, but once it does, it as long and tedious as can be. He is aware how many things Mei tries to shoulder every single day - there is no way that she should take on all of that in pain.

But best of luck trying to tell that to a woman who showed up to oral exams with a fever nobody knew of. Since she has been raised under the pressure to perform for as long as she can think, Mei simply decides to soldier on. As long as she can stand and think somewhat alright, she’ll work. There are people who have it far worse than her, aren’t there? And if that ain’t enough, they also partially depend on her helping them to improve their lives. She can’t let them down!

It is that stubbornness of being good to others while being anything but good to yourself that upsets Junkrat every time it comes to this. He wishes he wouldn’t have to force Mei to opt out from everything for her recovery. She shrugs it off, used to her own hardships being sugarcoated and nothing worth of note. He fears for her, used to things that usually are not worth of note in the cities turning out to be the demise in the wasteland with no help in reach.

15. The Mission to Heal the World and Animal Friends

Over the course of time, Junkrat has become an incredible help to Mei with acquiring valuable data from their missions.

His exploring of the exploded Omnium back in Australia has made him pretty much fearless of any dangerous undertaking of climbing, digging and bombing his way to the goods. There are a lot of samples of minerals and other natural supplies that Mei would not have gotten to analyze, if it hadn’t been for Junkrat’s way of less overthinking and more doing.

The two of them also make a grand effort to sustain, if not even restore, habitable areas for the wildlife all over the world. That’s where their love for animals doesn’t stop, though.

Junkrat even went that far as to save a Talon watchdog that had suffered horrible disrespect and cruelty from its earlier owner and tormenter. Nowadays, the little curly coated retriever has been named Tucka, undergoes a re-education as a rescue dog for Overwatch and proved to be a reliable and endearing friend to the junker. 

16. Teamwork Bombs

As much as he hates to admit it, Mei indeed was invaluable for the improvement of Junkrat’s craft. So far, Junkrat’s explosives had mainly been a personal obsession and his inventory for defense and destruction to get what he wanted. It was Mei’s climate-manipulating science and dedication to world-renewing approaches that made some of Junkrat’s bombs of use for safety, though.

Their biggest collective success so far is the Frost Grenade, a bomb that is supposed to spread rapidly-cooling particles by chemical reactions in overheating, collapsing machinery. This invention was especially created with the intention to prevent the explosions of further omniums, or the immobilizing of war omnic units on a larger scale.

Mei wishes to take it even further and currently researches other ways of neutralizing pollutants in the air and sea, by letting friendly, chemical constructs react by collision at the rapid speed of explosions. Prototypes are already in blue-print stage and discussion with the help of Winston.

17. Good Nights Are Made for Good Cups of Tea

The two of them have made it their little ritual to share a “g’night tea” together every now and then, before they go to bed. It is the perfect way to unwind and discuss the highlights of the day, thoughts on the future and stories from days gone by.

Often Mei and Junkrat also experiment to find new favourites to drink, which sometimes are also gifts from friends and working partners. Whether that be a little gesture of kindness Symmetra brought with her, a recommendation Mercy has gotten from Genji, formulas of good taste that have been passed through generations of Reinhardt’s family, or something that Tracer and Emily brought along from the historical parts of King’s Row.

18. It Helps Them Sleep

Indeed, both of them enjoy each other’s company at night. Mei has to push herself to her limits with work usually, in order to want nothing but sleep for the next hundred years. If that is not the case, she has immense trouble with falling asleep, since everything sends the fear of her time in cryostasis and all that she associates with it up her spine - alone, laying on her back in dead silence...

She feels a lot more secure with Junkrat by her side, huddling up to someone, who enjoys each other’s warmth, moves his fingers through her hair and reassures her with kisses and soft nudges that he is still around.

For once, she is glad that he hardly ever is completely quiet, either ready to follow another train of thought with her aloud, after some lighter sleep, or letting out a quiet, content whistle beneath his overbite, sleeping like a log.

He himself is glad that Mei helps him just as much. Holding her close, he does not think too often about twisting and turning around, but to actually get some rest - even if that means risking to be ambushed by the nightmares that his conscience likes to throw him into, once he’s at its mercy. However, he is relieved to sense Mei’s shoulder beneath his left hand, half-awake, realizing that he’ll manage, like he always does.

19. Nicknames for Mei

Certainly, “Snowflake” has become a common term for Junkrat to use refering to Mei, since he considers her to be a fully unique person.

But Mei is just as curious why at the very early days of their shared times Junkrat also added “Snowplum” to the list. He has to confess that it comes from the idea that Mei tries to hide all of her beauty behind an frosty barrier of self-defense, but that she cannot stop it from shining through. Only someone who is able to push away all the snow without ripping the plum blossom underneath apart in the process will be able to see what a lively and caring treasure lies underneath the armour of acting reserved and strict. It is like a test to see who deserves to see her fully in bloom. That Mei was touched by the comparison that has emotional and familiar value to her was an understatement.

20. Nicknames for Junkrat

Mei has pondered and thought for a while what nicknames she could use for Junkrat. She definitely is not satisfied with the first one, which he was not supposed to get from her, but insisted on keeping. It happened on a day off when Junkrat had way too much fun teasing her again. When Mei’s patience finally reached its end, she tried to get back at him with calling him a name he certainly would not enjoy.

As the term “Cookieface” was uttered from her puffy cheeks, which Junkrat likes to call “The Pufferfish of Discontent (TM)” and such a huffy facial expression with a serious nod of “Hmpf! That will show him!” Junkrat was baffled...and just lost it.

He broke into laughter, hearing from Mei that this was seriously supposed to be rude and make fun of his freckles and sunspots. As much as she wants him to forget about it and is embarassed about the whole incident, Junkrat holds the nickname close to his heart, mainly for the mental image of running from the cops as they yell at the tops of their lungs: “Get a hold of the communal terror that is COOKIEFACE!”. He spent almost fifteen minutes down on the lab floor, gasping for air and laughing til he cried.

So...what should she finally decide to call him? Over the course of many adventures, Mei finally felt confident to put into words what Junkrat had become for her. She found someone who made her enjoy the smallest things in life and being herself so much more. He is always there for her, even when he’s sometimes out of sight, or she takes his efforts for granted. It is when she feels like all goes black and she struggles to find the way to carry on that she remembers that he will remain by her side and help her to figure out anything she needs to keep going. Someone who encourages her in all she wishes to achieve when she is right, but who is also unafraid to make her adjust the course when she is wrong. They are so different from each other sometimes so far away from the other one by the duties of work. Although they cannot always stick together, the light they gave each other’s hearts is something they will always carry inside of them to make them shine and grow to be the best they can be. It helps to move through the wildest chaos with ease and create something far greater out of it.

Junkrat saw many faces on his adventures that blurred into an unrecognizeable blob, while the name they gave him sounded crystal clear in the back of his head - especially when everything goes down the drain. “Lab accident”...”cancer of society”...”gutter filth”...those are only a few of the classics that were added to the collection. The stream of all these voices finally disappears, blasts off screaming into a silencing, white light forever, as the word “Starlight” drops from Mei’s lips in a soft embrace and a grateful whisper.  

[lovesaadiqa]

Positive Intelligence

Picked up a book.. Montana was reading at work yesterday + I really mean reading, like ignoring her tables kind of reading.  I was inspired, I haven't read a book all year, its September!!!  Social media has been a large source of stagnation for me and 3 hours of scrolling this morning made me curse myself for not doing what I know I should .. paying more attention to my life than other’s.  Out of guilt, I decided to read and really just picked the book on the top of the stack lol.

Positive Intelligence By: Shirzad Chamine

Chapter One:

Initially bored out my wits with the intro and most of the first chapter, I forced myself to keep going.  Decided to journal (that’s what Tumblr is for me versus a blogging community) my interpretation of each chapter.  As I neared the end of chapter one, im intrigued by the comparison of IQ (cognitive intelligence), EQ (emotional intelligence) and PQ (positive intelligence).  I recognized IQ from school and equating it with how dumb a person is lol.  I've heard of EQ but only in reference to the way people behave when they are hurt.  To be completely honest I feel I should be reading a book on EQ but here we are PQ.  PQ, as described by Shirzad, is a measurement of your mind working both for you and against you.  My interest peaked!! I know for sure for sure my PQ is low because I am a very worrisome person who believes “all good things come to an end” versus thinking “bad times don’t last always.  At the end of the chapter there is an inquiry to help me correlate what the book is saying and how it applies to my own life.  

Chapter One inquiry:  if you could significantly improve one important thing, personally or professionally, as a result of reading this book, what would it be?  Keep that goal in mind as you read this book.  ||  Personally I believe I am a quitter by way of procrastination.  I personally and professionally need to learn how to follow through.  I convince myself over a period of time that “this won't work for me" or “I'll never be _____ or as good as ________” and completely just stop.  I want my self talk to be encouraging and motivating.  I let any little butmp in the road cause me to pull over.. toxic trait!  This has to change!

Chapter two:

Good luck prying this book from my hands.  Needless to say, I am happy I continued reading.  This chapter helps me to understand how we have two ways of thinking, sabotage + sage.  Sabotage we develop as children to prevent physical and emotional harm which we should rid by adulthood.. Sage the power, positive, deeper, wiser you.  The chapter identifies 10 sabotagers to help you understand which one(s) control you.  This chapter goes on to tell you how to change your mind from sabotage to sage and provides an example of a man and his team who all learned to do this together to increase the success of a billion dollar company.  The methods seem wacky but you have to be a fool to believe I won't try.  Won’t go into much depth (buy the book) but Shirzad goes on to say the easiest way to change your mind is to label each thought;  useful, neutral or harmful and the to call out the sabotager.  For example:  Thought “your are not good enough” I respond by thinking or saying (I'll be saying it out loud personally) “there goes the Judge telling me im not good enough”.  The Judge is one of the 10 sabotagers.  This is vital for me because so much of how I think is a shit ton of underlying factors I don't know exist.  Reading is fundamental because I would have never recognized the voice of the Judge as being harmful.  I always believed that telling myself im not good enough would force to me to work harder but the truth is, I coerced myself, over the years to believe im mediocre, average at best!  This is ground breaking for me + I want to personally challenge myself to do this all day today before moving on the next chapter.  Labeling my thoughts is genius, this is so cohesive with my personal goal of being more mindful.

Chapter two inquiry:  what do you find energizing, hopeful or exciting about Positive Intelligence?  What are you skeptical about?  How would you know if you skepticism were generated by a saboteur trying to stay in power?  ||  I know how vital changing your mind is to growth, maturity and overall personal development.  I’ve experienced this in a very mild manner with regards to perspective and was blown away.  It’s really a gift from God + an outer body experience to see your old self succumb to a new you by way of thinking differently + being present in the mind the surrender to the process.  So in short I am excited, hopeful and energized that I don't have to wing it.. this book provides the formula, the methods and evokes the mental awareness for me to experience my mind changing and completely being one with the me I can't see.. all that inner shit!  Im skeptical about my consistency cause it’s always been an issue for me but even writing this allows me to see the saboteur  named Restless (the sabotager who is always lookin for new excitement, losing focus + providing endless distraction)  Ha!  I get it, I get it!!!!  I called her out!!! 

Chapter three:

This chapter, unadulterated perspective.  Allow me to document the four major part of this book that hit home for me.  1. There is a subtitled portion in chapter three labeled The Problem With Saboteurs.  In order to survive we needed umbilical cords at birth, milk as babies, itty bitty teeth until our mouths grow develop the permanent ones, even casts for broken bones.  However, as we matured, all of these grew obsolete and we rid ourselves of them naturally.  Can you image if we didn't, lmaoooo.  Its funny to picture it in my head but our minds develop in the same way EXCEPT, they do not naturally rid themselves as we age!!!  Mentally and emotionally, a shit ton of us don't realize we’re  still attached to the umbilical cord, drinking baby milk, using toddler teeth and have never taken the cast off of healed injuries... in our late 30′s and 40′s!!!!!  Bruh, this made me feel pitiful because im not exempt!  The thinking patterns and emotional behaviors necessary for me to survive my childhood are the same ridiculous techniques I use in my adulthood.  The saying “..but when I became a man, I put all those childish things away.” pops smooth into my head!!! 2. The book compares people to hatched sea turtles.  The very first thing they do is make there way to the ocean floor for safety, physical survival.  We do this as kids as also, but we do it both physically and MENTALLY!  Mind blown comprehending this.  3.  The book describes our saboteurs as a snowman to say they melt when exposed to light.  This insinuates that all it takes to chance your negative thoughts is awareness.  All I have to do is recognize the thought and label is using one of the 10 saboteurs described in the book.  Im so excited for this!!!  

Chapter three inquiry:  a saboteur served a purpose - to protect you physically or helped you survive emotionally.  How did you Judge and your top accomplice saboteur help you in your youth?  ||  I've used my judge to shield myself from an abusive parent for emotional survival.  I won't go too much into the details (I'll leave it for another time).  Promise to update this after some deep thinking.  I’ve blacked out much of my trauma and early life as to cope better and progress forward.  I knew at some point in my life I would have to dig up my past but I definitely believed it would have been with a shrink versus a book.  I’ll see what I can do.  I am journaling this to help someone else and myself, but as of right now.. im not ready to relive most of what I know I have to share. 

Chapter four:

Decided to walk and read this chapter but due the heat index, said walk took place on the treadmill in the basement of my building.  Thank goodness it was empty because this chapter made me cry, twice.  Touching a bit on self judgement, judging others and judging circumstances.  The writer exposes a part of me I have never truly acknowledged.  I don’t always love myself unless there is a reason attached to it such as accomplishment, awesome behavior, etc.  It was difficult to read that I am to love myself just for being!  Just because I am me; undefined by flaws or accomplishment, good behavior or social rank.  Unconditional love is the only love there is, love without conditions for being exactly who I am.  My brain is warped but im hopeful it will bring about an abundance of change to the way I treat myself when undergoing difficulty.  I also decided a name for my Judge, she’s The Liar.  My Liar is stong and brutal and means me no good.  My liar is NOT me.  There is a portion of this chapter that is vital to my life, well two!!!  The first is so powerful, I am tearing up just thinking about it.. “You will be happen when...”  My Liar is the biggest scammer ever.  I AM HAPPY NOW!  Damn it if my Liar doesn’t tell me, “you can be happy when your business is successful, when you move into a penthouse, when you’re married...” Shirzad writes that my Liar will always renegoitate my when as I achieve it.  I will be happy when I save $10k and as soon as I have $9,999 dollars all of a sudden, I will be happen when I purchase a home.  Man if this didn't strike a cord.  I will be chasing happiness my entire life living in misery with a life someone else is when’ing for!  Who cut the onion bro? The second very vital part of the chapter is when the writer analyzes the difference between judging and discernment.  This will need to be revisited as I attempt to weaken my saboteurs because it’s a thin line between judging and discerning.

Chapter four inquiry:  what would change, at work or in your personal life, if your Judge’s voice were significantly weakened?  ||  OPTIMISM for sure!!!! I would be less apprehensive about tough decisions. I’d be more eager to try new things and hopeful for every circumstance I have to undergo.  I shelter myself from many things because I am so afraid to fail or have an unfavorable outcome.  I be ducking “feelings” and can vividly hear myself telling myself in previous situations that “I don't want to feel anything”, “I don't feel like it”.  That is for the dead and I realized I am the dead walking!  Life is to be felt I just need to get to a place where fear isn’t holding me hostage and realize I can survive whatever I feel.  Writing this provoked a question I posed to myself, why don’t you want to feel? I hold onto the shit im supposed to let go and the emotional warfare makes it so difficult to learn what the feeling is there to teach me.  I am super dramatic and I can see how the Victim is actively assisting my Liar.  I’d be able to keep a job, lol.. yeah issa a problem.  On a personal level, I believe I'd be more aware of what the universe is trying to teach and can significantly alter the energy I put out.  God has me in awe, this book wasn’t random.  The timing was’t random.  I am ready and the unconditional love God has for me, has once again reminded me that I am entitled to love, just because I am me.  Chills bro.

Chapter five:

This chapter compares the Saboteur to the Sage.  It goes on to discuss example of when both he and others where faced with what seemed to be extreme tragedy or life altering situations with sage.  In my opinion is summarizes how to constantly look on the bright side.  An part of this stated that when something unfavorable happens, we tend to believe the outcome “good or bad” and reassures which every you believe in your mind will ultimately solidify the situation according to your beliefs about it.  This sent me into deep thought.. I reflected back to when a “bad” situation turned out for my greater good.  This has happened countless time but the most prevalent was my living situation in the previous two years.  I went from paying nothing and getting kicked out without notice, to an invite as a roomie for $200 but was tortured in that situation.  I moved into a unit (work, live, stay) for $500 but now shower only bird baths for 3 months to now renting a condo for $1000.  I had to initially but put out on my ass for this ball to get rolling.  I would have never voluntarily moved from paying no rent to $1000.  I’d built up so much resentment towards the homeowner and carried it all the way to this chapter and because learning about the sage, which works for my greater good, I can let it go.  I had not realized and still don’t, how much unnecessary baggage I carry that affects only me.  You better trust and believe the day I moved out, angry and hateful, that the homeowner went to work and carried on with his life, not giving a single fuck about how I felt.  This book is doing a great work in me, turning my thoughts and beliefs in to learning opportunities.  Now be fully aware of how both the saboteurs and my sage works, I plan to revisit all my buried bullshit to evaluate how what I thought to be “bad” turned out for my good.  A positive poised mind.  Healthy thought processes.  Meditation.  Acceptance.  Change.  My liar keeps telling me, this process (saboteur to sage) will take a long time to do.. it’s imperative I remind myself to stay committed to implenting what im learning and do the work.  My entire life I have boxed the outcomes of situations either bad or good depending of the favorability of them.  What the fuck can I loose by looking at everything as a outlet for opportunity and personal development.  I cannot put my gratitude into words.  Im in utter awe that I have carried this book around for at least 3 years, from boxes to storage units, to book piles to my finger and it is life.  Im so in love with the possibility of me changing sooner than later and orchestrating my own mental health.  I will do the work!

Chapter five inquiry:  pick one thing in your life, whether at work or at home, that’s causing you particularly high distress right now.  Try the Three-Gift technique on it:  think of at least three ways the problem could turn into a gift and opportunity at some point in the future.

In fear of my living situation since I moved to Atlanta, homelessness scared the living day lights out of me.  I took off an entire month in July this year to go home to be with Zette (I missed him) and found it super difficult to find a job as quickly as I usually do, normally a week tops.  I took until the end of August to land a position and the money is shit.  I have a pretty ok savings account that I vowed not to touch until I were purchasing property.  So im stuck with 2 months of unpaid rent which is threatening to make me withdrawal money from my “house account”.  As this month closes in on me, I have been losing sleep about it, also afraid to burden my guy (whom I know has a lot on his plate) with my tab.  1. Gift One - forces me to work harder at growing my business to create real income so that working for someone else becomes the supplement versus my primary source of income.  2.  Use my sage gifts to to work on my reoccurring panic attacks, this is a fine opportunity to put to use all that I've learned in this book.  In doing this I can train myself on a small scale how to increase my PQ.  Weaken my liar who tells me if I spend my saved money I'll never get it back, allowing me to believe in myself, the power of my sage and open my eyes to very thing that got me in this condo.. hard work, resilience and the ability to go forward despite what may lie ahead.  3.  Prepare better in the future financially for trips, vacations or any unexpected event that may cause me unemployment.  

Chapter six:

This chapter describes each sage power (there are 5), what inhibit them, when to use them, and provides a game to play when is time to use them.  Some of these I understood 100% while others left me scratching my head.  At the end of the chapter, it provides an example through scenarios where one person had to utilize all of them individually in order to keep her job.  This caused even more confusion for me but I will keep at at it and reread the entire book if I need to, seriously.

Chapter six inquiry:  what is one area of your work or life where could use some fresh and creative new perspective?  Play the “yes.. and...” game by writing idea after idea nonstop for ten minutes without any evaluation along the way.

How to build clientele:

Flyers on in public areas, offering a free return services, consistency on social media posts, do a live tutorials or classes for a limited time, offering a discount to the people in my building, reaching out to a mentor to work under as an understudy, advertise to low income students at all the colleges around town, hash tagging colleges with my services, strengthen my brand, make booking easier and automatic, specials for new clients and returning clients, ads on google, facebook and craigslist, offering specials to the businesses surround me, take better pictures, get a logo, offer classes every month, promote the classes same as I do the service, offer lash classes on craigslist  or google, retain a celeb for services, lash for free at least once per week, create a way to brand, practice is more important than the money right now, learn differnt lashes styles and how to execute them, get more consistent sets, lash once per day even on the mannequin, offer out of state client special or last minute deals,  offer to lash as a donation to the community, offer free lash specials for prom season, graduation and courthouse marriages, talk about your business at least once per day, learn hygiene, maintenance, and sanitation thoroughly, educate clients, brand your shampoo and lash bags with embroidery machine, get a logo, learn new ways to keep professionalism at its peak, get, learn and implement better customer service skills, make your lash bed feel like a hotel California king, get classic lashing service time under 120 minutes, do traveling lash services like a feature lash tech in other peoples salons, offer traveling lash services per day or week to new nailery’s, hair salons and men, advertise during pride in midtown, let clients know you service men, study tutorials on youtube and practice more, diversify your clientele, add and learn more lash and brow services, offer and brand supplies to student, advertise lash classes to your clients, they may want to invest in themselves, get or create a uniform for yourself, open a parlor to teach/train and rent out stations... 11 minutes!!!

Chapter seven:

This is the chapter I’ve been waitin for!!!  This chapter taught me how to switch from my survivor brain to my sage brain in tens seconds.  This is necessary and the timing of this chapter was flawless.  I went out last night for Monday night football, got a little too drunk, relapsed on my old ways of being and lashed out on my guy for no reason of his own.  I was angry, woke up angry, refused to settle my mind, or label my saboteurs.  Tense all day, pinned up energy for no reason.. shit I didn’t even want to read the book today!!  It got real for real, then this chapter a physical way to switch my mind from inner turmoil to physical appreciation.  The book suggests I do this 100 times per day, 21 days in a row to rewire the way my brain sorts information.  I will do this!  I can do this.  I deserve this.

Chapter seven inquiry:  are you willing to promis yourself that you’ll do a hundred PQ reps every dat?  If so, what might your saboteurs try to tell you in the coming dats to talk you out of it?  ||  I am all in!  My outlook on “problems” is definitely more inviting as I eagerly look forward to changing my mind.  You just cannot measure where you are without the test.  My saboteurs will attempt to convince me 21 days is too long or that when I do a PQ workout I may not be able to hush the noise.  Either way im doing this for the full 21 days.  I know somedays I will not remember to get my points but I will commit a workout to each day im lacking to rack up points.