#but like its been forever and I still cant tell if im healing right and everyone is just telling me its normal

[bulldyke-rider]

I hate how people will encourage you to do something and then when you experience a bunch of complications and uncomfortable shit, they're just like "yeah, that happens"

Like WHY DIDNT YOU TELL ME

[skyechild]

Wont let go

𖤐 pairing: Hyunjin x reader

𖤐 genre: angst :D

𖤐 warnings: just angst

𖤐 wc: 1.5k

𖤐 summary: You cant let go...

𖤐 notes: this hurt me writing, like i actually teared up. this is inspired but Till I Let Go by NEFFEX

𖤐 network and tag list: @cultofdionysusnet / @spooo00oky / @stravvberrymilksan /

You stare at the little flowers in your hand, sitting on the wet grass infront of a pile of rocks. Your gaze turns up towards the sky, smiling weakly as the clouds opened up and the rain drenched everything, mixing with the tears on your cheeks. “Is this you telling me not to cry?” Eyes closed as you pressed the heels of your hands against your eyes. “You always hated it when i cried. Especially if it was over you.” You choked on a watery laugh, placing the sad bundle of flowers next to the rocks.

“I cant move on Jin, i cant move on cause i cant let go. I just-” You looked down at the pile of rocks, the clearing in front of you filled with soft pink tulips. “You always said that we would live forever. But now...” You bit your lip, eyes burning. “Now you arent...here...” You let out a heart wrenching cry, covering your face. “Your jokes you pulled on everyone.” You sobbed, adjusting to lay down, facing the sky. 

“The pain makes it real, i dont want to feel...i just wanna kill the bad thoughts and steal a good thought.” You whispered, smiling at the faint feeling of a brush against your cheek. “I hate feeling broken.” You clenched your fists. “I drown in our memories, Hyunjin. I wonder if you can hear me.”

“I feel so lost, im never at home. This is the first time ive been out in two weeks.” You smiled softly. “You always were such a good listener.” You giggled wetly, watching the sky get darker. “What i just lay here with you?” You turned onto your side, hair sticking to your neck and forehead. “Just for tonight. We can stargaze together? Sounds good right?” You smiled, bringing your legs up to your chest and playing with the ring on your finger. “You promised we would get married...you remember that right?” You smile softly. 

“Jisung and Felix have been trying to talk to me, trying to get me out of the house. The bed still smells like you...” You whisper, stroking the wet grass . “Ive been wearing your clothes.” You thumbed the stem of a flower. “You would be nagging at me to take care of myself...dont worry ive been trying. I’ve been eating and taking showers.” You breathed deeply. “But i spend most of my time in our bed, surfing through memories. The ones we have on our phones and on the computer.”

You cried softly. “I just...i miss you so much Hyunjin.” You hiccupped, gripping a patch of grass. “Im never going to let go.” You sniffled. “Im not going to move on.” You sobbed, curling into yourself. “I knows its not healthy but I made you a promise. You made it to. Its us against the world. Us forever.” You smiled. “I just wish you wouldve opened your eyes. Let me hear your voice and your laugh. Hold your hand and hug you.” You cried softly, resting your head on the grass.

“I just want to see you again...” You whimpered, closing your eyes. “I need time to heal...” You whispered, gripping your chest. “Hyunjin...” You choked out his name. “I hope they dont take me away from you again...i wouldnt be able to take it. Chris will probably come though. He seems to know where i am all the time.” You joked through tears. 

“Remember when we went on that Ferris wheel? I was so scared and you thought rocking it would be funny?” You chuckled, sniffling. “We had our first kiss there...its also where you said you wanted to propose.” You smiled. “Since we had so many memories there.”

“I cant forget how you some how lost me that day. im not even that much shorter then you. But you found me, like you always do.” You hiccupped softly. “Remember when we took that trip to Australia?” You smiled, giggling at the memory. “You got so scared when we went to the rescue sanctuary. All the dingos and the roos.” You sighed. “Of all the animals, you got scared of the Tasmanian devils.” You chuckled. “I can imagine your whine to that.” You let your clothes soak in the water, leaving you soaked in the clearing you and Hyunjin had claimed as yours. 

“I would have done anything to keep you here. To keep you with me and alive.” You whispered, already hearing the sound of tires on gravel. “After you, its always Chris that would find me. I can hear him now y’know?” You chuckled lightly. “Hes almost here, they probably got into my apartment since i wasnt answering the door. You gave him an extra key remember.” You wiped your nose on your wet sleeve. “Why did you leave me.” You whispered, shifting to curl around the pile of rocks. “I know you wouldnt hang out at your grave, you said you would always be here, roam around in this clearing.”

You heard the tires get closer. “I can feel you around sometimes.” You looked through the tulips. “Barely there touches, a could pressure on my cheek.” You smiled. “You never did leave me, just physically. Youre here with me.” You heard the car stop a bit away, not wanting to ruin any of the flowers. “Chris is here now. He is probably coming to get me.” You touched one of the rocks, stroking the smooth surface. “I hate emotions my love. Why did you leave me with these?” You could hear Chris’ steps coming closer.

You sighed, closing your eyes and taking a breath. “I guess he wont let us stargaze huh.” It was still pouring rain and you could barely hear your last words through the rain. “Probably going to storm tonight.” You whispered, not wanting to leave your place as you heard the squish of Chris’ shoes against the wet grass.

“I knew id find you here.” You could barely hear Chris over the rain. He came and kneeled next to you. “Lets go home Y/n.” You shook your head. “This is my home, hes my home Chris....ill never be home again.” You murmured and the rain started to let up. “He wouldnt want you to get sick.” You stayed quiet. “Youve been gone for a few hours....the others are worried.” He spoke, placing a warm hand on your head. “I cant even see his parents Chris.” You cried softly. “He looks just like them and my heart hurts everytime.” He nodded, stroking your head. “How about we come back tomorrow ok?” You shake your head. 

“Baby i hate to say it but...i dont trust you alone...” You sniffled. “I know you miss him love. “Im not going to move on from him. Or let go of him.” You whispered. “I dont want anyone else.” Chris sighed. “I know love, and i can reassure you that he knows too. But we have to go, youve been out here too long and i know youre going to get sick. Meaning the kids are going to come and baby you.” You smiled slightly before moving and slowly getting up. “Take a warm shower then change into warm clothes. Felix and Jisung are already there, Felix is probably stress baking. Jisung is probably slowly losing it.”

You nodding, letting him help you up as your legs wobbled. “Chris?” He hummed, wrapping an arm around your waist to keep you up. “Why did he leave me?” He smiled sadly. “Love, he didnt do it on purpose. He was just driving.” You shook your head. “Why did i survive and not die with him?” Chris shook his head, getting you into the car and turning it on, letting the air slowly warm you up. You stared out the window, jolting when a blanket wrapped around your shoulders. Chris smiled as he starts to drive you both back to your house, your eyes watching the clearing til you could no longer keep it in eyesight. You stared out the window, quiet.

Thats the most you had talked to someone since the time Hyunjin left your side. Radio silence is what everyone had been getting from you since it happened. You stayed in your seat once he pulled up to your house. “We are home.” You shook your head. Its not home if Hyunjin isnt here. He smiled faintly before coming over to help you out as your front door swung open. His head snapped over to the door, giving them a look. They stopped in their spot, watching as he led you into the house. “Go shower, change too and we will be here.” You turned your gaze to Jisung and Felix. “Can you guys stay?” They nodded rapidly.

You looked back at Chris then towards the others. “Can one of you...stand by the door while i shower? I dont...I dont like how quiet it is now.” Chris nodded. “Ill be right behind you.”

[ankhisms]

disclaimer im fine i just need to try and word various feelings and such pay no mind to the io who is trying to hold faer mental health together

i think the older i get and the more i desperately try to get better or at least be as healthy as i can reasonably expect to be with my various physical and mental issues the more it becomes clear to me... just how much a life time of being abused has altered my brain and tainted how i view myself. and i was obviously aware of this to a certain extent i am often painfully reminded of how much being abused and traumatized over and over throughout my life from a very young age has shaped me and how there are some things i may never fully heal from but will instead carry with me and have to live with. but recently its been jarring for me to like. be faced with it in a different way? where the environment in this theater production im in currently is actually overall very positive! i still often feel awkward where everyone is already good friends and knows one another from past productions but at the same time everyone is nice and friendly and no one is being nasty or weird to me like in the production i was in last year.

and our director and assistant director and the rest of the crew are really really sweet and encouraging and skilled people, i feel really thankful to be working with our director especially shes such a good actor along with being a good director and i value her input on things. which is why it makes it jarring to be given compliments by her and the other crew members and to be told that im a good actor and that im doing a good job. im so used to abuse from authority figures and so used to being told that im a worthless piece of shit etc etc that it comes as a shock when an authority figure in my life is actually kind to me.

and its been like. ive been having to step back and like. re examine just how badly i view myself. i have zero self esteem and zero confidence in myself, i speak very cruelly to myself and generally see myself as being a failure and other things like that, all of this is because ive been told that im a failure and disgusting ugly worthless stupid etc etc from both authority figures, my peers in school, my abuser, and my father throughout my entire life so ive internalized that and its almost impossible for me to break from thinking of myself in anything but that kind of light. but now ive been having to go. ok. i really respect this person who is telling me that im genuinely good at something. i want to believe them. i want to be good at what im doing. so this challenges the view of myself that ive been told is true for my entire life. i keep just going wait so am i not disgusting good for nothing ugly stupid worthless cant do anything right failure etc etc? and it shouldnt be so shocking that the things my abuser and the other people who have hurt and traumatized me have told me are wrong, but ive lived for so long thinking that all these things theyve said to me or said about me must be true. so again its really jarring to just be like. maybe all the awful things ive been told about myself were just very cruel people being cruel to me and not necessarily true.

but also at the same time i certainly dont think that those things being not true somehow makes me ~special~ i really dont think its possible for me to view myself as special or anything like that bc my view of myself is so low and negative and also bc i always want to be remembering other people and valuing everyone else yknow but its like. weird and strange for me to be realizing that maybe i dont suck as much as ive always been told and always believe. and maybe im not some horrible disgusting monster destined to be alone and abused forever, maybe im just a person. maybe im just a person who has been hurt a lot

but i also have to grapple with the fact that it is both true that 1. maybe im not inherently bad and maybe not everyone hates my guts and thinks im awful. but also 2. i am mentally and physically disabled as well as lgbt and there are a lot of times where people do in fact go out of their way to be cruel to me because of this and there will continue to be people who are cruel to me because of being disabled and being lgbt. these things can both be true

and alright i promise that im almost done rambling but one last thing i wish that all these years of abuse and torment and harrassment had somehow hardened me and to an extent i am kind of unphased by certain things but its more like i just fucking dissociate but anyway instead of abuse and trauma making me tough i just am so sensitive and always feel like im such a crybaby. i think i do a good job of not like making that other peoples problem i always try to suck it up but i always feel like i just am never able to grow thicker skin when it comes to very specific things that remind me of being abused. like i said our director is such a good director shes so sweet and kind and she did NOT at all say this in a mean way or mean to upset me. but last night she used me as an example where she said "im really a stickler about us saying the lines the exact way the playwright wrote them. rey i dont mean to single you out or bully you or anything like that, youre doing great, but youve been adding a 'but' to that line, lets cut out the but ok?" and again she is such a good director. she said this very kindly and i always appreciate her feedback and instruction. but feeling like im being singled out in front of people is such a big trigger for me and reminds me so much of past trauma and school abuse especially and it took every ounce of self control i had to not start crying and i just felt so humiliated about that. like why am i so sensitive. i know its because ive been abused my whole life but whats wrong with me. nothing bad happened and yet i felt like i wanted to die

anyway thanks if you read all this i prommy im fine im just feeling a lot of different things lately

[piecesbyra]

-19th November.

Its 1:37 am right now and I’m so tired. my coffee has been sitting out for 4 hours. my pillow still feels damp. 14 missed calls from my sister. my legs feel numb but my heart.

My heart still doesn’t understand why you did what you did to me. I’m still in denial. It feels like a bad dream and im going to wake up from it. It’s funny how you’re just living your life as if nothing happened and here I’m sitting constantly trying to come to terms with the fact that you actually went out and did that. As much as I want to be unbothered, it bothers me beyond anything. I’ve so much anger in my heart right now that it makes me feel sick. I dont hate you but i wish i did, because i cant love you anymore. because out of all the people in the world you were the last person that I thought would hurt me. We used to sing our hearts out in the backseat to the most heartbreaking songs ever and now I find those same songs relatable because of you. I remember one of you telling me that one of my good traits is that I “always want to create memories and I value friendships” then how can you go ahead and make memories without me. How can you go ahead and devalue our friendship like that. How can you share those moments with others that I made the plans for, I would’ve traded the world just to experience that with you. Those were the places we were supposed to see together.

you betrayed me. you betrayed my trust.

you betrayed our friendship. you betrayed

everything that i've ever stood for. you let

me down!

I want to tell you how much you hurt me. But as someone who almost always knows what to say I dont have anything to say this time. No amount of words can contain the pain you’ve brought to me. I hope I meet people with the same heart as I have. I would have never done this to you. I would’ve taken a bullet for you. I know there’s no reason to confront you. I know instead of acknowledging your mistake you will act clueless and victimise yourself and I’ll end up feeling guilty. Yeah because that’s what happened last time. And the time before the last time. And the time before that. Basically everytime you let me down. So I’ll just stay silent until the wound heals by itself.

You’ve disappointed me alot of times but this time it’s difficult. This one’s gonna hurt for a long time. I’ll probably spend weeks pondering where it went wrong, what I did wrong, why was my love never enough to make you stay. I don't know how I'll learn to be at peace with the fact that things might never go right again, this ache in my heart will remain there forever and I'll only learn to bury it, layers upon layers.

[timjohns3rd]

:/

Sigh...you visit my dreams way too much..which opens up my self inflicted wounds.. First I dont want you think Im playing a victim as i know Im not...I deserve everything that I get....and Im posting this to let it get to you this time...cause for myself I need to to get things out and not hold it in..and I guess its for me to say good bye too.. you are right what I did was unforgiveable... I shouldnt have let Angie manipulate me, nor say some stuff (other stuff they still found on their own like IG and then cornered me with it).. As much as I wanted a family...it was 100% wrong.  know that I never once have lied to you..except trying to hide a gift or something.  You were my best friend...greater than any I have had...even to the point it made some friends jealous.. there were times yes I wanted to be with you...and even had that dangled or held over me by others...but more than not..I was afraid of losing the friendship...THAT I wanted to keep no matter what and would never have traded it for anything even being with you...the whole stuff with Tim did 100% take its toll on me mentally even to the point where he ruined vacations etc... like I said...I didnt know Jon...and it didnt seem like at first he wanted to know me or like me..I misjudged him a ton...which I why i I snapped in Ohio..with how they were treating him, you, nikki, and I...and I realized how much I was used some... I should have been stronger before hand...but I got to know him and regretted it... I did badly want to tell you...and wanted to bring it up many times...but again that fear of losing you as my best friend was so strong...I am sorry to Jon for thinking he was going to be another Tim..and misunderstanding some of the lifestyle and I know I can never make it up to him..I was trying by trying to get closer...but deep down...it made my guilt worse..hence why I pushed away some too from both of you... I am sorry for letting my mental health get so out of control and into break downs to do things bad before...and before the friendship ended...I was and still have afraid to deal with it...but I am doing it harder...at least the way a former friend would want me...its rough...and I have to visit old wounds but i am doing it... Daryl is going to contact you at some point to get the grids from you...he will contact you on his own...and when he gets them, he will be without me I want to thank you for everything you ever did for me (and when the settlement gets finalized...I will be paying you back the money I owe you too)...  without you I wouldnt have ever enjoyed getting lost in the woods, I would have never flew, never been to vegas (and even then I tried to respect the Tim relationship), never would i have visited another country or a cruise, tattoo, learn to enjoy life, learn to love again and try dating so many times, you helped me at my lowest.. you were my rainbow to smile...you were worth working hard for the friendship...I know you cant ever forgive me right now..if ever...and I accept and understand that...I hurt you...and i can never forgive myself..I offer my sincere apologies on everything I hold dear...including my mother... and here I say....Goodbye Karen...I too wish you all the best in your life...and hope you get everything you ever want...I just dont want the dark cloud I caused to be something to shadow you forever...and you can heal from my hurt and betrayal...I know my your door to me is closed and nailed shut...but mine to you will forever be unlocked if you ever need it... but please keep doing the best you are  in life...I know as my best friend...I truly did care and love you...you have made changes in someone so much that helped them more than you know... Goodbye Karen 

[xxfrankieroindragwithgerardxx]

Tw: mention of self harm, depression

Im so fucking tired. I want to sleep but my adhd medication wont let me. I have so many friends but im always lonely. I feel like none of them actually like me. My best friends assure me they love me all the time but any time im not talking to someone I immediately get lonely. Im always sad, all the time. I want to cry so much. I want to sob, bawl my eyes out and let all the sadness flow out with the tears. At 2 am I get bored and take out my knife. At this point i cant even tell if its sh or just a pass time. I used to sh by using my punching bag without gloves. Too much, too hard, too frequent. My hands were a bloody mess. But now theyre calloused and used to it, they dont rip like they used to. I miss it so much. The dark brown dried blood splotches covering my red punching bag. I want to make more so bad but I can’t. Im too tired, my skin is too tough, it just doesnt happen. But I can’t cut i cant bc I swim so much in the summer and I wear bikinis and crop tops so how do I hide that? I’ve been doing it very lightly, just a few layers of skin. It hurts, maybe bleeds a tiny bit, but it doesnt last. It will heal and it wont scar, and it doesnt give that stinging that lasts all day, all week even. Having scabbed knuckles is mostly socially acceptable, people never suspect it to be a form of sh. It is. And now every time I touch my legs and they dont sting I feel so invalidated. I want them to hurt more. I wish there was a place on my body that I could cut and no one would see the scar. Or that the cuts would just disappear when they heal. So I can still se them when theyre red, but they dont last forever. I want a razor so I can cut deeper, more easily. But I can’t cut deeper cuz propel will notice. My mom was just yelling at me to get off my phone and do my homework but every time I stop and look at my computer I want to cry. Im trying I really am. Im trying to try. I used to try so hard but I kinda gave up. I never get anything done anyways. My fucking meds aren’t working, they’ve successfully destroyed my sleep schedule and thats it. I get exhausted at 1 pm but im full of energy at 1 am. I havent gotten the chance to listen to music all weekend, I missed it so much. I just wanna be home alone and sing and dance to Mcr and p!atd. I dont even like panic! that much, just a few of their songs. But house of memories and I write sins not tragedies make me so happy, especially singing along. I want to sing along to mcr, I want to meet them and see them all the time and learn to play guitar with frank and learn to produce with Ray and learn to sing with gerard and learn keyboard with mikey(and improve my pokerface) and I want them all to hug me and I want to meet franks dogs and gerard cats and go to all of their concerts and help gerard pick out outfits. If I could see them and talk to them for the rest of my life it would cure me. If I could have a pretty gf who would cuddle me and listen to me and understand me, I would be so happy. If my struggling friends got better I would get better. If everyone would just disappear, everyone ive ever met except my best friends and my idols, I would be so much happier. I wouldnt be constantly worrying about what people think of me, about them ignoring me and not texting me. I wish I could live in the killjoy universe, ride around the desert with the Fab Four, surviving off of what we need, running from the government. And having fun. Real fun. Not watching tv or scrolling tumblr alone. I mean playing cards and riding dirt bikes and climbing and killing bad guys. Coming home tired and beat up and covered in sand, maybe bleeding but full of adrenaline and just happy that we all made it out alive and that would be enough. Where people dont have to worry about consequences. Getting bad grades leading to no college leading to no money. Where people just have to not die and thats enough. Doesnt that sound nice? My eyes are barely staying open right now, barely staying dry. Im so tired of high expectations.

[soft4gguk]

I’ve been thinking about your last answers about tbah and ira and jk if he really loves oc and of course that i can’t stop overanalyzing so here’s a piece of my mind that nobody asked for but yeah :’)

i don’t think jungkook is still in love with ira but of course that she still affects him and that’s why maybe "glimpse of us" could relate to this story, not because he’s using oc as a rebound but because ira was someone important for him and you can’t avoid the impact that people left in your life and you can keep suffering for someone's betray while you're with someone else (not ideal but it happens).

i believe his feelings for oc are there, they exist they’re real but everything is so recent that i feel he needs to take a break. ofc that u’re gonna do whatever u want with your story and i’m gonna love what u decide because u make everything pretty and real and angsty lmao....... but now that we don’t know what’s gonna happen i'm gonna say what i think would be best heh ( in my opinion ofc i'm NOT telling u what u have to write please i would never lol i cant even write what i dream this is just me rambling),i feel like a break or time away from oc, (be it because he asked her for a time apart or because they have a fight :( cause of jk’s parents or his insecurities starts to get the best of him or… ira comes back) would be genuinely good for him. to fully grieve for ira and finally let her go and to have the space to think if he wants to fight for oc and become a family or if he’s just not ready. not only because doing this is gonna give him peace but because oc doesn’t deserve being given empty promises or get hurt in what I think is jungkook responsibilities that are his feelings. 

i feel like she’s helping him heal and that’s beautiful but she doesn't want to be just a healer she wants to stay with them. and jungkook loves her too but i feel like he’s not sure if he loves her because of the relief that she brought in the worst moment of his life or if he truly loves her forever. and that doesn’t make him a bad person that makes him human.

i feel like she’s helping him heal and that’s beautiful but she doesn't want to be just a healer she wants to stay with them, for good. and jungkook loves her too but i feel like he’s not sure if he loves her because of the relief that she brought in the worst moment of his life or if he truly loves her forever. and that doesn’t make him a bad person that makes him human, he just needs to figure it out and its gonna take time and its ok. but i think that he should be the one that decides to step aside for a minute bc oc deserves his respect and she deserves him being considerate enough with her to save her from the hurt that's inevitably gonna happen but he can lessen that by being honest with her.

i’m saying allll this being a number one fan of happy endings lmao its not like i dont want them to end up together i just want them to be a happy couple forever and ever for the right reasons :)

am i to invest and deep in this story? yeah i am. love u tessa. i was gonna send this off anon but i’m scared because maybe u hate this ask and i dont want u to hate me this all comes from a good place and an overthinker reader

im gonna start from the end and say: I love you. I could never, ever hate u, please. matter of fact, lets be friends. I mean it. this ask was so amazing to read, I loved it so much. i know I'm the author of this story, but trust me when I say, people like you give it life. and that means so so much to me. so THANK YOU.

now, getting into the piece of mind you just shared with me... I'm going to try to answer this as tessa, the person, and not tessa, the writer, because I feel like anything I say as the writer could come off as a spoiler and we dont want that. I agree with you. with every single word that you say, I agree with it wholeheartedly. I love the way you said that as much as she's helping him heal, thats not all she wants in the long run. and with that being said, I dont think she's been honest about that either, not in a malicious way... just coming from a place of blissful ignorance over not knowing all the things that actually went into it and resulted in jungkook being in the state he was in when they first met. god!! and I say this so often... she doesn't know!! she has an idea but she doesn't know and I feel like thats really keeping a lot of things in the air right now.

as for jungkook, yeah. you're also right. I also believe he needs to grieve ira, hell, I believe he needs to even come to terms with his own feelings about this whole thing before he opens fully to another person, especially someone he genuinely cares about. because he does - very much so, and its that same reason why he stalled and didn't say I love you back.

the thing I take with the most from this ask is what you said about honesty. and sometimes honesty hurts but... I also think it mends in the long run, so...

my fingers will always be crossed for this couple, but I do admit that life is playing them a tricky card right now. and decisions will have to be made.

thank u so much for this, once again. I love u. thank u.

[anicekidlikeme]

Fuck you, Mr. Ireland.

What I am about to do feels like opening the biggest box in a storage room full of neatly packed items. I am going to be embarassed, and teary, but it's okay. Telling stories and retelling stories is such an important impulse, and I must set her free. For whoever is able to find this atleast.

I used to laugh so much that my throat would get sore. And I feel like i was a different woman then and I am a whole other one now. Everyone makes such a big show about being sexually assaulted. They call you brave, they say it is not your fault, and whatever else is in the manual of saying all the right things. Touched, ruined, decreased in value are more like the words I would use, but fuck, sexual assault survivor works too. I still cant find the courage to tell my mother, but it is nice to daydream of a reality where she finds out, holds me tight, says its okay and its not my fault. I want her to say she likes me. But that won't happen.

Therapy helps. It's evident. I have come such a long way from not being able to shower for days, not able to leave the home of my then boyfriend, not wanting to eat. God it sucked. I learned nothing from it. And I want to honor that. I left my friends behind just to run as far away as I could from what I thought was a big danger sign with a bomb on it. It's not so graceful wishing ill on someone, but jeez, I cannot fucking help it. You know he's in Italy right now? Or Spain, or London. Im not sure. He could be fucking anywhere and he'd be standing high and mighty, with so much power over me. I truly believe that if you wouldnt wish the worst on your worst enemy, you need worse enemies. This man is my worst enemy, and sincerely, fuck him. I wonder if he thinks I won. I wonder if he did win. My brain fucking trots every day thinking about that. I get so used to feeling bad sometimes I wish I could just lay down and watch everyday pass. Not reacting.

You wouldnt believe how many hugs I have gotten from my friends since that day, but not one felt comforting. It didn't make me go wow, it feels like im ready to put this past me. To start fresh. I set such a strict deadline for myself for when i should have been fully healed, but oh my god was that a stupid idea and a giant failure. I will probably have moments of grief for the rest of my life, and you know what, I want to fucking honor that too. My boyfriend and I were joking around the other day about what the worst crime ever could be. Of course he went with murder, and its no shocker what I picked. I told him so casually, atleast you get to die and it’s all over when you're murdered. With Sexual Assault, you are a victim forever. Sorry, I meant "survivor". Fucking bullshit word.

I am working on it, and everyday is better. But if anyone would like to hold me all day, wow would that be awesome. I could use a full day of being held. For the longest time, I felt such shame asking my friends for help just for me to be able to function normally. They are truly the most patient, loving and generous people in the world. They protected my heart with such gentleness.

I wish sometimes that I had so much money that I could make everything work out for me just the way I wanted. I choose to go back to New York and live in a large large apartment with plenty of windows. I'd ask Drew if he wanted to come. We'd live close to all my friends, and host dinner parties. Enjoy the city (which you can only do with 2 mountains of cash). In a few years, we'd have a kid, and move to the suburbs. I would love to make babies with Drew. They would be so smart, kind, gentle, loving, and talented. I have never felt that way before for anyone (Sorry past boyfriends). We'd start a cute coffee shop together, and live out the rest of our days with no worry.

Im not even close to having that kind of money, but thats okay. To have people in your life that make you want to imagine your whole future with them is so special. There is no way he won.

Fuck you Mr. Ireland.

[blissedbaby]

im trying so hard but its so difficult i dont know how to love i just wish im doing it right

if it comes naturally then that must be love right

if your natural instinct is to go out of your way for someone and care for them and spend time thinking about them when your apart

if you change bad habits within yourself because you want to be a good person for them

if you try and do things you find difficult because you want them to be happy and you want to get over your own fears too...

honestly ive always been so scared of love, growing up i never felt worthy of love and i always thought there was something wrong with me

i used to hide away in my room and think about all the things i was missing out on, all the things that i could experience if i was more attractive or more fun and interesting.

i never had a good perception of men growing up, (apart from my grandad) but growing up around my father and seeing how he treated me and my mum i always thought all men were that way, i decided around the age of 12 that not only was i unloveable but that i didnt want to be loved, growing up in the household i did, seeing how my dad loved my mum meant i was scared of love

when i was in my early teens i did always feel insecure, seeing all my schoolfriends get boyfriends and always talk about boys, i wasnt popular or pretty i was the funny girl, the girl people would always be "having a laugh with" but looking back i dont think that i was funny i think i was just a good person to have a laugh at

around 16 i decided that i could do better with myself, i dyed my hair dressed how i wanted to and actually learned how to apply makeup, obviously after this my experience as a teenage girl changed, people started to make fun of me less and i was actually treated like i was a human being by the girls at school who looking back seriously used to take the piss out of me

after this change though i actually felt worse than i did initially, although externally i may look different, internally i still have all of my old insecurities

i can never believe that im pretty or worthy of any type of romantic love, i blame my childhood for that

and the worst part

now that im experiencing in my vision, true love for the first time ever, i cant even come to accept it...

i guess maybe i just dont want to rush it, i know i tell him i love him, and i do, i love him so much more than he knows but at the same time i would wait years upon years for him to fully feel like he can love me back 100%, i hope i would make a good girlfriend and hopefully one day im deserving of that

i know he does care for me, and ive never known anyone like him ever ive never had the fortune to encounter anyone as fascinating and thoughtful and supportive as him

i wonder what i have done in a past life to be able to deserve this in this life, and i know its selfish to say but i love that i get to see a side of him thats rare to others, i feel like we were made for eachother

i hate crying infront of him, i dont want him to think im weak, but in so many ways i have to admit that i am, a small part of me is still that insecure 13 year old who always felt unworthy of love

i wish in the future i feel more secure within myself to not be so afraid and worried about things that wont happen

i love him, hes shown me things and feelings that i never thought i was capable of, and these 7 (almost 8) months have been the best of my life, im forever grateful for his presence in my life, thank you for healing me

[nyxblues1]

You were packing with your boyfriend to go on your way to a vacation for the Summer. You were having second thoughts to where you both were going considering the vacation is the same place where the guy you were talking to but left with no explanation lived at.

You had told your boyfriend this and he did not seem like he liked it, but quite the contary, he was quite thrilled to show our relationship off if we see him. I loved this idea though.

So here you are in line at the airport with your big boy [hes muscular, tall, very good looking, and such a sweetheart with his perks yk] on your way to your vacation. It was a long flight there. You both were exhausted and desperately needed to stretch your legs.

Finally, you arrive to the vacations airport. It was so beautiful outside. You get your luggage and head to get a car rental. Then, go to the hotel. It was right next to a beach. A famous beach. It was so breathtaking. The view was amazing from the hotel. We rested for quite a bit snuggling into each others arm as we dooze off.

The alarm we had put on started to ring. The time difference was horrible but we managed. Then, we changed into our clothes, our beach clothes. My man looked so hot. I wanted to devour him right here right now. And him thinking the exact same towards me. [I had quite a body. I had a small waist with abs, muscular thighs, and a lean upper body but muscular too] I did my hair as well, I always straighten it as it shows my highlights beautifully. I made sure to put extra padding in my bikinis top part bc of my pierced tits. And we grabbed the necessary things to go down to the beach. My sweet boyfriend carries my bag of light things while I hold his hand to put on my sandals. We get out of the hotel and walk a short distance to get to the beach. It was so close, it was amazing. Then, we get there. It wasnt exactly packed but we did have to get a umbrella to shield the sun.

We started to get comfortable and we went into the water. It was still extremely sunny outside so the water wasnt as cold. Me and my boyfriend start to have fun and talk as we take pictures as well. It was so relaxing and peaceful. We went out to rest and cuddle in the sand as we took more pictures.

Then we went back into the water. It was freezing. I started shivering and told him it was way too cold. My boyfriend starts laughing and tells me to dry off while he goes get us alc drinks. It was at a small shop very close nearby. I lay down on the chair and I get out my smutty book. My boyfriend loves to reenact these spicy scenes with me. He comes back to me and gives me my drink. He cuddles close to me and listens to me read the book aloud to him while we drink. It was amazing.

We had then got up to get refills. My boyfriend went ahead to get them while I started to get up to stretch and put my book back in my bag. I was looking to the beach. It was so beautiful. The sounds of the waves crashing was so peaceful. I could forever live here with my mans I thought to myself. I then started to look around the beach. There were less people now, my boyfriend was still in line. I continued to look everywhere. I was thinking about what we were going to get for food. Then my thoughts get interrupted when I see him. Him the guy who I had fell for and who told me lies who left me with no explanation. I took months trying to figure out what happened between us until I met my sweet precious boyfriend. He healed me and showed me what true love is. What a mature man is. He is the man I am marrying, not this fool. I looked away from him. His friend caught me staring and nudged him to my way. He looked at me to get a better view and immediately regonized me sadly.

He continued to get down to the sand to yell out my name. He said y/n? And I looked back and said yeah? Oh woww hii its been a long time huh. He chuckled and said yeah it has. How have u been? I cant believe your here. I said yeah im on vacation for the Summer. Ive been great thank u. I feel his friends oogling at me. Staring at my pierced tits and down my goregous body. I nudged past em and started to walk up to the sidewalk next to the sand. Them behind me following. He continues to try to talk to me and says why arent u talking to me? I've told u to tell me when ur here for vacation so I can show u around. I laughed. I gently grabbed his jaw and yanked him down to my height. I whispered and pointed to my boyfriend. I said that man right there is so hot dont u think? I should ask for his number. He looked at me and said no I'm your man. I laughed and let him go and my boyfriend is coming to me with drinks in his hand. Hes giggling at the scene before him. He knew that he was the fool and laughed at how u reacted. He was so proud of you. He continued to walk to you and I just stare at him while the fool stares at me. My boyfriend comes to me and kisses me deeply. I love when my man is possessive and jealous ugh. He gave me my drink and said hi princess. I said hi my love. He tells the fool if he could hold his drink. He grabs it dumbfounded and my boyfriend hoists me up to his waist while then turning to the fool to get his drink back again. He continues to kiss me deeply as he walks us back to our seating. The fool does not know what to do. He just stares dumbfounded. Me and my boyfriend laughed and we sat down. Him and his friend go someplace else. Me and my boyfriend assumed he got mad and left the beach.

I crawled down from his lap to lay down on his chest while we sip on our drinks. That was therapeutic. I kissed him deeply and looked up at him and said thank you. He mumbled mmm your welcome i know u would do the same thing. I love you. And I said I love you.

It started to get a bit darker. Me and my boyfriend were resting while I took out my book again to read to him. I was deeply interested in the book that I did not notice what my boyfriend was doing. He softly wrapped his hand around my neck and pulled me into a deep passionate kiss. We fully made out like this for like 2 minutes it felt like. I let go first and continued to read my book. He slowly puts his hand down and started to slowly put it down my chest to my tits. I looked at him and he said keep reading princess. I continued reading confused but I was not conplaining. He slowly put his hand over one of my boobs and played with the piercing. I gasped and grabbed his wrist while putting my thighs together. I looked up at him and pulled him into a heavy makeout sesh. It was so hot and so muxh tension anyone could feel it. And they did. By they I mean the fool and his friend. Turns out my boyfriend saw them passing by to get drinks but while they were waiting in line they had stared at us. My boyfriend got posessive and showed him what he missed. He shows me off and man did I love it when I found out why he started doing it in the first place. I smiled against his lips and whispered to his ear wanna really show him? He chuckled breathless saying fuck yes. I crawled onto his lap. Slowly dropping the book into the bag. My boyfriends hands came to my ass and my hips slowly gently caressed me.

I started to kiss him gently while slowly rolling my hips. The kiss got more passionate and heated. We continued like this and I knew he was watching bc he was in my view of eyesight. Hes staring, dumbfounded. Completely regretting ever doing that to me. I smiled against my boyfriends lips and continued the kiss until I broke it off and started to kiss his neck and his sweet spot. He was gently moaning while I was too. We started smiling and looked up to him and I smiled amd waved while my boyfriend waved and winked at him. It was hilarious. My boyfriend whispers to my ear saying to lets go back to the hotel to finish what I started. I giggled and said okay. We packed our things and put the umbrella back as we were on our way back to the hotel.

As we walked past them, my boyfriend gave me a heated kiss in front of them and continued to walk while holding my waist closely too him. The fool looked so dumbfounded as he did not know what just happened. He was utterly confused and was completely regretting what he did. We continued to back to the hotel. We finally get to our room and the tension was so painful. Well yk what we did. Them spicy scenes from the book I was reading ;]

[shushthisaintmytumbla]

Leaving This As A Reminder (11/7/23)

Hi Case. Been another few months since we've chatted and wow does my last post make me sad and shocked at how much can change in 5 months.

Lets quickly recap a friend update which is the shore unveiled some really disgusting truths about some of my friendships in this city. My "perfect" friend group i found was far from it and i dont even need to go into detail bc we are ok and we are healing.

I gravitated back to this channel because tomorrow i am about to reenter a healing phase and going to work on ending a relationship with D for the very forseeable future. While these past 10 or 11 months have brought us back together closer than ever, sometimes love doesn't conquer all. You two have tried your best (at least you have) to make something work, but in the end we've reached the last page of our story. He's not only become one of your closest ties in nyc, but he's taught you how to love, even when someone doesn't deserve it.

Over the past 10/11 months you went from convincing yourself that one meet up at a bar won't bother you and let him back in.. you just wanted to hear him out and get an ego boost that he still wanted you. You'd tell yourself its fine, I don't even like him anymore its just a hook up... but days and weeks and months went by and you fell right back into the trap, yet this time you had hope. Hope that there was a future, hope that maybe things this time were different. Hope that you finally cracked his code and could win the ultimate prize - being a girlfriend. But the second you hear that word leave his lips it felt...uncomfortable.

Maybe being in a relationship wasn't what you were searching for with him either - could it be that you finally just wanted him to want you? Because after months of actually experiencing the highs of being together (going to dinners, being invited to events, going out with his friends) you finally got a peek into a life together - but was it everything you wanted and more? Not really. There were still those anixous days of "is he going to text me today?", "why did he invite her to this event over me?", "why does he never ask me about myself", etc. etc. etc. There were also those tough conversations that led you to realize - Can this even go where I want it to go? D and you have very different ideas of where you are in 10 years. You want a family, you want to live near your family (CA), you love being adventurous and going outside and appreciating the little things. Of course im not saying he cant but he also prioritizes drinking, partying, staying out till 4am and in bed all day the next.. cmon case that isnt you.

While I can name many reasons why it wont work logistically I also want to remind you of how he treated you the past 3 years. He does the same thing OVER and OVER again. He leaves you uncomfortable for 24 hours and you have such crippling anxiety that it's all you can think about, you didn't eat for a day, you couldn't even focus on yourself/work. You can't even be honest with your parents because you think they'd think your a fool for being back together with this person who was only brought to their attention because of how much he hurt you that you were so depressed you had to just be honest.

If there is one thing I ask you to promise me is that please Casey you deserve so much more and there is someone out there who can give you so much more. D's patterns are never going to change - at least not for you. Because you are not meant to end up together. He served a beautiful story in your life that came with love, hurt, happiness, anxiety, and every emotion under the sun but it is time to pick yourself. I know the comfort he has provided you makes you feel so safe in a world where you don't always feel that way. But I am not only asking but begging you to choose yourself and walk away forever. There is the possibility that he comes back in 2 months time, but you need to not respond. PLEASE CASEY. I know one silly hi doesn't seem like that big of a deal, but it's exactly what got us back to here. I know you love/loved him, but its time to give that love you can give to someone who gives you 10x more back.

I know losing people is so hard for you, but losing yourself is worse and that is what is going to happen if you return to this. Your friends have begged you to walk away and i know its easy to say "you don't know him" or "you dont get it" but thats exactly why im writing this today. I do get it. I lived it. and I know I need to walk away and close this chapter of my life. I'll always hold a place for D in my heart and I do think he is my first love, but its time to find a forever love (especially in yourself first).

I am sorry if this came across harsh, but I love you. I am so proud of you. You are ressilient and have dealt with much more challenging things in this life and im sure another great challenge is just around the corner, but i'll just leave you with this...

If it doesn't challenge you it won't change you.

xx.

Casey

[gpavila]

ugh 10.31.23

I've honestly been feeling so ugh lately. I don't know how to explain it, I feel like i always try my best to put into words how i feel but this time i can't. I used to be good at going to people for help and advice, a part of me still is but i just cant. anymore, at least not like before. I just feel dumb after teliing someone anything or dont feel like i know how to really. Im at the point of my healing journey that im ready to let go of the pass and move on complety. I feel like this is the first time in like forever that i truly really do mea it, i am ready but am i really? I keep asking myself so much and feel like i expect so much from myself that i get so discurage whenver my progress isnt like other. I know and see tha i am far from where i use to be and that makes me so happy and gives me hope. New hope, more hope, healthy hope. I know and can tell that a part of me hasnt moved on completly and i mean that is okay. I keep trying to tell myseld that its okay and im trying to learn to be more patient with myself too. and its fucking hard. I find myself still dreamsing and thinking a lot about this particual person still (my ex) and it gets me so upset. i find myself waking up in the middle of my sleep and thinkin gbaout him and getting upset beecause why am i thinking about him you know, like i dont want to or do i? or what is it thats making my brain think about him still wihtout my control duh its frustuating. I was telling this to one of my friends from work and she told me that what if im under a spell or its wich craf. not going to lie a part of me is start to question it lol but i dont think so. I think if i really sit with my emotions like ive been trying to lern to do and its hard. but ive been wondering and now that im sitting here writing this, it came to me. Maybe the reason that i still think about him a lot and dream about him to the point that it wakes me up, might be simply because of my subconciouse. I feel like i have put so much of the blame on myself and have took all the guilt and kept it. I think a part of me still needs to fprgive myself, not only for the misdtakes that i made in that relastionship but how much i hurt myself in it. All of it, i still think i was a bad gf and but a lot of the blame on me so that might be it and maybe a bug factor too is that he moved on completely and faster than me. i know i haven't moved on and honestly yeah that really does upset me tbh but i know i need to be patient. I hope one day it is al gone for good because i am. as much as i didn't want to and as much as i was scared before now i am not, i want it, i want to completely move on for good, and i know the for good part will never happen, at least not in the way that i would hope for. i know that someone who was a big part of my life, someone who was my whole teenage years will be hard to completely forget, i wont, realistically speaking i wont, but idk the point that i am is good, it's a good sign that i am going in the right direction and i just have to keep doing what i am doing because the results are there and it seems to be working but at a really slow pace lol. I'm slowly starting to feel happy with myself and with who and what i have in my life. trying to make the best out of anything big or small. i look back at things and no longer get sad but glad it happend but something it can still hurt and all i guess is trying to say that i hope one day i can lookk back at everything without feelign one single glimps of hurt. I want to let go completly. im still sad

[jj30ngk]

day 77/77.

the wait is over. 

and you might think “omg he finally came back, you saw him??” and the answer is no. its almost the complete opposite. its like if he went further away, like of i lost him more than i already have. maybe even forever this time.

on july 31st. i saw a photo of him holding someone elses hand. on a date with someone. 

i cant even explain the feeling i got the second i saw that photo. its like my heart dropped. it started beating so fast, i started crying almost immediately. 

but the thing is, i cant even be mad. i defenitly feel disappointed, upset (?). but i cant. we were both single. we are single. i kissed two different people, because i just wanted to forget about him. but the craziest thing? its that the girl that he was with, was a name that came up on his phone a lot. one time this person was spam calling him, and he said it was his brother. 

and the weeks before he left, he was calling her to ask about his visa. and i feel stupid for not knowing, because i was so blinded, because i trusted him that i actually didnt even care that he talked to other girls, because his love felt real. i dont even know if i should call it love, but whatever feelings he showed me during those 40ish days, felt real. 

i wasnt even planning on watching the instagram stories. i even told myself “no phones one hour before bedtime” because i havent been getting the best sleep. but a part of me told me to look, because it wouldnt hurt, right?,,, well here we are. 

now, i felt sad. i cried, i shook, i had my little anxiety moment, and i vented to my best friend. but in the end, nothing even matters, because we arent together anymore. and what we had wont ever work out. 

i actually even felt happy this morning. i was smiling and singing along to music. because i actually felt free in a way. i feel like if i finally was able to let go of that hope that he gave me for almost two months. 

no more waiting. no more hoping. now we actually know we can move on without feeling bad or missing him. and as much as i hide it or feel happy, a part of me admits to hurting. because he was able to move on so fast. i dont know if this is a distraction, or a reconciliation, it seems like that though since they were in contact when we were together. 

the second i saw that photo, i also started to regret everything, questioning everything i put myself through. the countless blogs i wrote about him, the days i talked about him on my snapchat memories, the clothes i saved in bags so that i could conserve his scent. the flowers he gave me, dried but still in the vase... it like i spent months just counting the days till he came back, for nothing... so in a way, i would like to think that i was meant to see that photo.

i also had the urge to block him, everywhere, delete everything. and i did, i deleted every photo, i privated the playlist i made him and i blocked him from seeing my stories. i didnt completey block him, because he also doesnt know that i know. 

but anyway. the end. the wait is over. im free to continue my healing process. it does feel like if im starting from zero. also today marks 4 weeks no contact. but i am so upset and disappointed. what do i even tell him when he tells me hes back? i cant tell him i saw that photo, because i wasnt even supposed to know his friends accounts anyway. 

but as much as i know now, i dont think i will be going back with him.

goodbye, p.

[glitchmoney12]

Yes, I am a dumb bitch who needs MY ASS BEAT for the lies and bullshit I caused on drugs. IM 2fucking 5 years old too old to be in this shit. I made such a fat ass mess in one night. I feel like Its going to take a lifetime to come back from. I had no idea what the fuck I was even doing or saying all I know is I’m going to rehab and I’m not coming out until I am healed.

That’s what addiction does to you, lie, cheat, and drown others. I said so many things I was unaware of and would NEVER say if I was conscious because they weren’t true at all. I am so deeply fucking sorry with all my soul I’m sorry.

I had every chance of fixing myself and didn’t so here I am alone as fuck like I deserve. Was I fake as fuck? Yes but that was not me that night otherwise I’d never. I lost both grandparents the night I fucked everything up so I spiraled and yeah.. a rampage is what you could call February 17th. Everything that I woke up to on my phone including what I put on my social media I do not remember. However, There is no excuse for my actions whatsoever I’m not asking for anything. I take full responsibility and accountability for my behavior.

 I’ve said things about people who I love and care about deeply, and I might have just burned that bridge forever. I don’t wanna hurt anyone and no one fucked up my relationships EXCEPT ME. Not you bro, not this other girl my barred out brain was putting it on either. It was more than just one friend …. Apparently I told  more people I wanted to beat their ass over nothing. 

Everyone deserves an explanation. Call me pussy for not texting back asap that’s fine. Time will let me calm down and be completely transparent once I’m clean and accept the fact that I can’t go back and change anything. You bro, you deserve an explanation even if you despise me. As embarrassing as it is I will show my face again and y’all can decline my return for apology.

To those I disappointed and hurt,  i’m locking myself away for a long time and I deserve every bit of coldness from you guys.

 I know you’re wish the worst for me and I am already there you were right.  damn bro I really made people hate me including you. You’re not a savior I can only save myself, and that’s what I’m gonna fucking do save my money, lock myself away and come back the new as fuck.  I can’t believe the shit I’ve done; none of  what I said about anyone during my drug spiral  was true I mean, how could I conjure the words to say that sober. I cant. Especially you bro I’ve had nothing but great times with you and I fucking can’t  comprehend what I said because it’s not fucking true. “It’s 2017 bro bro you so funny!!” Oh my god what a mess… my fucking bro bro..you hate me I know. I have never had anything but love for you.. and you know that, so what I typed out that night WAS MY DRUG INFESTED BRAIN.. and how could I. I never woke up and just wanted bad for my loved ones, but I understand if y’all hate me forever on.  I fucked up immensely, and if you never wanna talk to me again, I understand.

Been standing in my own way.  I’ll be bettering myself in hopes that one day I can be at peace and have a peaceful conversation with you about everything that happened and tell you all about my journey to recovery if you care to even here. I will one day like to invite you back to my new apartment, as a safe place, where my mind and my space is a comfortable sanctuary to bring you in. I  take responsibility for everything and anything.  You don’t even have to see me again if you don’t want to but I’ve known my friends for years now and I just can’t run from saying my peace and tying my lose ends.

I gave you my little diary for a reason. To sneak peak into the demons in my life that I’m finally killing bro. I trust only you with it and still do. Write in it still if you want to and be pissed at me, write me a death threat. Write me anything you want, if you want. I am so much better than all of this. I’m so sorry Jayline. Hot cakes con miel don’t taste so sweet when I don’t even recognize who I am. I have always had love for you and always knew we were only friends. Drugs made me say something different. One day I will come for forgiveness and you decide then.

[guiltedlily]

1.18.23

7.37pm

the word “villian” has been dancing around my thoughts for weeks now. ive watched so many people in my life become the villain yet ive always tried to stay “good”. i have this urge to let myself go, not be self-destructive, the exact opposite of that. i want to be able to feel myself as my own person and not the dumbed down idea of somebody everybody sees as a kid because i deserve that. it feels like im the villain for that when in reality im standing up for myself. 

i joke about a “villain arc” as if i havent watched others crumble around me and become the real villain. even if it wasnt technically real, i still remember their actions piece by piece. i remember being called the bad guy for being childish and destructive because i had nothing else. not that it was necessarily right, but of all people, me? i watched communitites, nations, rise and fall by a handful of people, i realized that the people i trusted werent moral, i had my world shattered in front of me so many times over. im not asking to be coddled for that, but it makes me wonder why i stuck out as a villain to some

its so freeing to let myself exist without feeling like i have to water myself down but its scary sometimes. for my entire life, ive been known as the dumb kid who feels things too much and too hard. for my entire life ive been treated as a child when i was cheated out of the chance to actually be one. i convinced myself it was “healing” but i was being pushed back further. in all honesty, i feel emotionally stunted in a way. all those years of being treated and seen as a child make me feel as though i need to behave like one, like i dont understand anything and need somebody to cling onto. ive spent years clinging onto others and i have lost them every single time. 

im allowed to be my own person and i do not need somebody to define that for me

thats the single biggest thing ive had to face with.. all of this. lose everybody, gain myself. i cant live in the shadows of everybody else forever and i needed to realize that. i allowed myself to be pushed into boxes and constrained because god forbid im anybody but who others want me to be. i dont think its much of a coincidence that i only started seriously considering my gender once i wasnt under the influence of other people in my life and appeasing them. my gender is just a small portion of my identity that id repressed; there are still parts of the stupid kid that remain inside me, but im trying to take charge and allow myself to be better than that and really grow

i still think a lot about the times id broken down in front of people. i dont know if “regret” is the right word, but it terrifies me. id spent how long having my emotions used against me, and the moment i get comfortable expressing them more freely, im back at square one. a part of me would like to believe that they wont do that; itd be awful to use somebodys trauma and breakdowns against them, right? im forced to look back at my brother and remember the person he is. im forced to realize that maybe he wont always have a soft spot for me, that maybe me speaking out made him turn on me. it shatters my heart to consider but its unfortunately something i need to be aware of

i can tell myself time and time again “he had some sort of reasoning to prod at people the way he did”, but did he? all because he percieved these people as “bad” and considered himself any better. time and time again, i have to realize that im not a stranger to familial wrath. i would believe he could justify anything he does, and thats horrifying in a sense. does it give you a sense of gratification to jab your finger into peoples trauma, or do you only care when it becomes a threat to those you supposedly care about? 

when i think about people, my mind is cluttered with questions to them. im perpetually curious and its never quite quenched. i could fill a notebook of questions that i will never ask and i know i will never receive that closure. i could know every single thing about their thought processes but it wouldnt heal

8.20pm

[patchworkghost]

its 5 am I dont have work today but im awake because my dog decided not only to wake me up but throw up in my bed right next to my head so now im laying here with no sheets cause theres a wet spot where I lysoled the bed but also im laying here cause i still have back pain cause its taking forever to heal & Ive just been like low key crying at work every day because I cant stand going because I either fear hurting myself AGAIN AGAIN or having to tell people no constantly cause no I cant do that sucks you are backed up but im not injuring myself permanently to get a crappy pay check & no health insurance Im job hunting but LITERALLY everything is part time cause no place thats decent wants to hire and everything wants part time so they dont have to give beneifits also being at work again I come home and im honestly to tired to focus on filling out more applications for shit jobs i dont want and again dont want to give me anything or only part time so why bother and finally after crying again today at work I realized being injured fucked up my schedule so hard ive been forgetting to take my meds which isnt helping since im already unstable given ive been injured & either doing nothing or going to work where I got injured I CANT EVEN HEL P my mom out around the house much which makes me insane and heck even myself my sink is messed up but i havent fixed it cause of injury so even washing my hands has been a hassle my rooms a mess & I want to cry every time i drop stuff on the floor cause it means i have to bend again

Ive been keeping away from my hobbies for the most part too cause this job gave me carple tunnel as well as back pain so ive been MEGA depressed from that on top of everything

I just want to leave but that would basically fuck over everyone at my job and make everyone else look at me like omg what a piece of shit typical mental ill bitch isnt working again even though ive been steadily working since recovering years ago it makes me low key wish id get injured a bit again so I can just say well damn not for me I must leave right tf now sajghdakjhgjasdhg people like oh no if you dont work you will be at home depwessed like NO OPPOSITE IF IM HOME ILL HAVE TIME TO HEAL & JOB HUNT & NOT FEEL LIKE KMS everyday

I literally even job searching is just reminding me how whats THE FUCKING POINT all im gonna do is waste most of my life working my bones to the dust and wasting my mental energy & even when im off I havent been doing hobbies due to pain FROM WORKING & even if i was healthy my friends are busy at work like I get to see my BF a whopping maybe 4 hours maybe 6 if we push staying up late a week cause he has work all the time and gets off late evening and its like yay were together till we just fall asleep cause he has work in the morning

fuc k dude I hate everything Need a job that pays minimum $40 an hour for me to not kill myself