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Was nobody gonna warn me that I would fall a little bit in love with every character in Stardew
#I am literally following them around and getting excited like a little puppy its insane#I cant decide who I wanna marry I like all of them… I was a little torn between Sebastian and Harvey at first but now Alex is an#unexpected fav??? and I like Elliott and Sam theyre so goofy.. and I appreciate how down to earth Leah is#Emily is also quickly growing on me she feels like the valleys manic pixie dream girl to me. or at least Clint’s manic pixie dream girl#the only characters I don’t have much to say abt are Shane and maru.. Shane’s still a little mean to me like I know he warms up to u as#u get to know him but I’m not there yet.. and I’m just not all that interested in Maru sadly#it’s not just the marriage candidates its almost all the NPCs especially Granny Evelyn SHES SO NICE?? shes fun to talk to I love giving#her my best flowers.. I also like saying hi to Willy and Marnie they’re nice!!! I love Marnie’s smile it’s so cute#I’m also fond of gus after seeing Linus’ 2 heart event that was so sweet of him… mister gus I’ll give u my best ingredience……..#I’m too busy trying to finish the community centre and make money before I go around marrying anyone or building up friendship#so I haven’t had a lot of time to get to know everyone ;w; I’m trying to trigger the wizards heart events now that I’m at like 9 hearts#with him cuz I wanna be able to move my buildings around#I actually have 2 saves rn one on my brothers pc and one on iOS. but the one on iOS is cosmos file and it just playing as him as a character#not as myself and I think he would marry Alex. but my pc save is my personal file so I’m marrying Harvey#until my pen gets fixed I’ll be drawing at a snails pace pairing the stupid thing but Im making cosmo a ref definitely#I kinda wanna get to know Pam too.. she’s like rough around the edges but in a jaded way I wanna know what she’s like yk#stardew valley#puppy plays sdv#sdv#Stardew#yapping
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#AYEAAA the chapter art always delivers#tbh i was kind of neutral on kabru for a while bc i wasnt sure ab his purpose or much ab him really#to form a solid opinion but hes rly growing on me.I LIKE HIMM!!!#isnt that so interesting though. like thats kind of the role he plays come to think of it#hes an observer . he studies everyone he meets / sizes them up while simultaneously concealing his own true nature#adopting diff personas to best fit his prerogative so its cool that he genuinely is harder to understand when you meet him#and like toshiro / namari / his own party say- you can tell that hes not entirely authentic ab himself#but you cant really dissect much below that without having access in2 his internal dialogue#id known beforehand he was one of the more popular characters but i had a hard time conceptualizing why#given there was so little to be said abt Him!Kabru! but no i see it now he got me Guys he Got Me#i also have so much go say abt mithrun in retrospect but idk how to word it or rly what it means outside of the abstract#but i lovedddd … the goat.. THE IMAGERY WAS INSAAANEEE THE MIRROR OF DESIRES AND THE GOAT DEVOURING HIM#dude . dmesh symbolism is so great.#and i think his story in particular is just incredibly interestingn#the kind of person to bend to desire and then have it stripped from them completely#dunmeshi#dunmeshi 61#dungeon meshi spoilers#dunmeshi spoilers#kabru#mithrun
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the doctor isnt neurodivergent or autistic or adhd or nonbinary or genderqueer or asexual. what the doctor is, is Not From Here
#which necessarily of course says something abt their (non)whiteness#(i had all these words in quotation marks first so mentally add those to whiteness too)#but we've them be black for all of 1.5 episode now so#lets see how that develops you know#also i dont think i understand the politics of that part well enough to say much abt it#not that i probably understand the politics of these parts better but#im annoyed enough abt this Thing happening these years. in these 20s i guess. the 'representation' thing#to complain abt it anyway#the dsm isnt real and it isnt gonna fuck you buddy#maybe i'll read some books and then one day i'll write an essay driven by spite and pettiness#i wonder if i can make the thesis statement about the tension between their status of main character#in a 60 year running family adventure show vs this therapy thing we're doing now#like. you cant do that. in terms of like. what story is and does. what a character is and does. it strains#in an interesting way. like im not saying they Shouldnt have done it. im just observing. that you cant do that really. i think#or maybe you can! but i'll find that out#i also dont know shit abt narratology or whatever so. need to read books first. sigh#always have to pause my thoughts to read myself in first its so annoying. esp bc i rarely really do#bc then new thoughts new things to do you cant do EVERYTHING. you can do almost nothing. bane of my existence really#but like you might even be able to say smth interesting here about whether you can call them traumatised at all#remember that article i saw around on tumblr a few years ago i think that was abt like. some scholar in the middle east maybe#saying that ptsd is a western thing bc it necessitates a Post#all of this is western. psychiatry is western. its all stories. how you conceptualise trauma is a story#whos Other is story#where youre from is a story what you stand for is a story who you are is a story#ah. checked the article. dr samah jabr. palestinian. i'll start with her book maybe
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examining a seemingly normal image only to slowly realize the clear signs of AI generated art.... i know what you are... you cannot hide your true nature from me... go back where you came from... out of my sight with haste, wretched and vile husk
#BEGONE!!! *wizard beam blast leaving a black smoking crater in the middle of the tumblr dashboard*#I think another downside to everyone doing everything on phone apps on shitty tiny screens nowadays is the inability to really see details#of an image and thus its easier to share BLATANTLY fake things like.. even 'good' ai art has pretty obvious tells at this point#but especially MOST of it is not even 'good' and will have details that are clearly off or lines that dont make sense/uneven (like the imag#of a house interior and in the corner there's a cabinet and it has handles as if it has doors that open but there#are no actual doors visible. or both handles are slightly different shapes. So much stuff that looks 'normal' at first glance#but then you can clearly tell it's just added details with no intention or thought behind it. a pattern that starts and then just abruptly#doesn't go anywhere. etc. etc. )#the same thing with how YEARS ago when I followed more fashion type blogs on tumblr and 'colored hair' was a cool ''''New Thing''' instead#of being the norm now basically. and people would share photos of like ombre hair designs and stuff that were CLEARLY photoshop like#you could LITERally see the coloring outside of the lines. blurs of color that extend past the hair line to the rest of the image#or etc. But people would just share them regardless and comment like 'omg i wish I could do this to my hair!' or 'hair goallzzzz!! i#wonder what salon they went to !!' which would make me want to scream and correct them everytime ( i did not lol)#hhhhhhggh... literally view the image on anything close to a full sized screen and You Will SEe#I don't know why it's such a pet peeve of mine. I think just as always I'm obsessed with the reality and truth of things. most of the thing#that annoy me most about people are situations in which people are misinterpreting/misunderstanding how something works or having a misconc#eption about somehting thats easily provable as false or etc. etc. Even if it's harmless for some random woman on facebook to believe that#this AI generated image of a cat shaped coffee machine is actually a real product she could buy somewhere ... I still urgently#wish I could be like 'IT IS ALL AN ILLUSION. YOU SEE???? ITS NOT REALL!!!!! AAAAA' hjhjnj#Like those AI shoes that went around for a while with 1000000s of comments like 'omg LOVE these where can i get them!?' and it's like YOU#CANT!!! YOU CANT GET THEM!!! THEY DONT EXIST!!! THE EYELETS DONT EVEN LINE UP THE SHOES DONT EVEN#MATCH THE PATTERNS ARE GIBBERISH!! HOW CAN YOU NOT SEE THEY ARE NOT REAL!??!!' *sobbing in the rain like in some drama movie*#Sorry I'm a pedantic hater who loves truth and accuracy of interpretation and collecting information lol#I think moreso the lacking of context? Like for example I find the enneagram interesting but I nearly ALWAYS preface any talking about it#with ''and I know this is not scientifically accurate it's just an interesting system humans invented to classify ourselve and our traits#and I find it sociologically fascinating the same way I find religion fascinating'. If someone presented personality typing information wit#out that sort of context or was purporting that enneagram types are like 100% solid scientific truth and people should be classified by the#unquestionaingly in daily life or something then.. yeah fuck that. If these images had like disclaimers BIG in the image description somewh#re like 'this is not a real thing it's just an AI generated image I made up' then fine. I still largely disagree with the ethics behind AI#art but at least it's informed. It's the fact that people just post images w/o context or beleive a falsehood about it.. then its aAAAAAA
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spent the first hour and change at work deleting some old files and am having a grand ol time laughing at myself for not realizing i was a lesbian sooner
#vulnerable tag rambles ahead please be kind abt them i didnt intent to ramble this much but i dont wanna delete it eitehr#me to every single man i have ever dated after 6mo-1y: yeah hey this really isnt working out i dont really know why but i really hate mysel#and i dont want to blame you because i dont think you did anything inherently wrong here; i think this is something about me but i need#space to figure out why im feeling this way [every single one reacted by telling me No i wasnt allowed to leave btw]#i hold very complex feelings about these relationships esp bc of them ending in very violent/chaotic ways most of the time#but its interesting to look back at it all and realize ive left every man for the same reason (which is that ive hated myself Every Single#Time ive dated a man) and its funny bc i recognized the self hate pretty early on w/ cishet men but when it came to queer men it was#much more confusing (esp w/ nto knowing Any lesbians at that point in my life). im so happy im a lesbian tbh#i have a lot of issues w/ the racism fatphobia and transmisogyny present in lesbian groups#and also coming out as a lesbian really truly saved my life. before i met my wife i was quite literally in a 3yr abusive relationship that#definitely would have died in if i hadnt realzied i was a lesbian and ran from him#its also weird seeing liek the hard evidence of the things that happened to me btween 2016-2020 tbh#cause that was such a bad time of my life. i truly dont know how i survived it but im so glad i did#like the three major relationships in my life b4 meeting my wife was: guy who was in college when i was in HS who stalked me when i left;#guy who was a year younger than me who cheated on me the entire time while telling me he was being victimized (he wasnt; this was very mess#guy who saw the very messy toxic ldr i was in and helped me dump my ex then decided that meant we were in a relationship [insert 3 yrs here#and admittedly all 3 years with him werent the same level of abusive but it was definitely unhealthy from the start considering I Didnt Kno#we were together until he wanted to celebrate vday and got mad i didnt know our anniversary - and like this isnt including the other stuff#that happened between those Relatonships[tm] (cause ive never been monogamous; these were just the Major Relationships)#like i genuinely think if i hadnt come out i'd be dead rn given just how dangerous my relationships were/continued getting#i am also so tired now that ive seen all this cause like. fuck i can barely believe it and i not only lived it but have PTSD about it#i should write about my life sometime. i feel like it'd be cathartic to try and make a tangible timeline and stories from the years ang stu#anyway yeah. be nice about the tag rambles. dont message me with pity or curiosity or anything about this. i dont usually talk abt this stu#publicly bc i hate the ways ppl start tryign to baby me when they realize my life has been extremely fucked up until only a few years ago#n im still working on accepting kindness from others bc of [insert life traumas here] but its a long process so pls respect my need for jus#being heard rn w/o too much pressure< 3 (but ig if u do read this can u like it cause i feel a little crazy seeing all the evidence of the#stuff i experienced now also cause fuck ik logically it was but also i cant believe it was all real still yk)
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such is the tale of a ✨chronically online hypocrite✨
#(please forgive this old folk’s rambling for a hot min bc i need to get this off my chest somehow and in some way)#tl;dr: come and get into the hw idol series!!! we have ship discourse; more ship discourse; even more ship discourse#(yes ik people should be free to ship what they do b u t claiming a noncanon ship as canon and forcing it on everyone else is. not cool.)#yes yes friday’s mv was visually cute and ino.rin’s singing was peak b u t i feel like it has caused more harm than good in some way???#i cant b e l i e v e the jp hwtwt beef over friday’s mv is still going on mannnnnnnnn#no less than 3 separate people have made posts along the lines of#‘p l s stop using [official tags] to post about *[unnamed] non-official ships* p l s there’s a time and place for everything’#and n o n e of them even remotely run in the same circles yet they’re all banded together against a *certain* group lmfao never change hwtwt#lhy (esp yhy) shippers are always at the scene of the crime mannnnnnn#i cant see anything on their end of the naval battle (has every single lhy tag+account that i could think of blocked)#b u t it’s still really funny to witness on my twtdash against my will. i think i need to touch grass#‘kyhn isn’t canon either so why do you like it while being such a hater towards lhy—‘#great question!!!!!! it’s bc (disregarding the movie) they actually interact really well together~~~ like the honeypre event y k—#and also bc yukki treats hina really nicely all the time (even when she was being tsun and literally running from her feelings for him)#a n d hina loved him for who he truly was; even before his image change arc. and she also does her best to appeal to him and such~~~~~~~#but lhy. uh. they just bully hiyo 95% of the time and while they do look out for her bc they’re pals#they’re just pals. guys. and lxl have gone ‘uwu it must be u uwu’ to each other one too many times so shoehorning hiyo between them would.#be pretty weird ngl? esp since the ‘widely accepted’ portrayal of lhy as a trio is p much just hiyo x 2 dudes who dont even like each other#and. like. a branch of such portrayals usually seem to have aizo waft away from the ‘r/s triad’ to date mona instead which is. very weird.#some people just pick and choose aizo and mona interactions dont they. all they see is the umbrella scene and go ‘ah yes. canon’#they dont even read further to see how mona doesn’t even use the umbrella after aizo leaves (clear rejection)#a n d how aizo doesn’t even remember giving the umbrella to mona + mona’s entire existence in general after that#and that’s not even counting the grudge mona refuses to let go of even after what looks to be literal months#so for certain shippers to just casually shoo aizo out of the hiyoharem and into mona’s unwilling arms for the sake of yhy is. weird.#and like. shouldn’t he and yujiro have a say in this?? they’re more interested in each other than hiyo so just how are they being commonly#portrayed as hiyosimps in fanon? im so confused… like. wouldn’t they be equally obsessed with each other (as w/ hiyo) if they were a rstrio?#aaaaaa get this off my twtdash plsssssssss pls see this post twtapp pls let this affect your dumb algorithm im tired of the ship discourseee#as funny as the ‘lhy vs the world’ naval warfare is it’s getting. um. very annoying!!!! and now im missing nagisa more than ever s o b s#plsplsplsplsplsplsplsplspls influence the algorithm ragepost; ik big brother is 👀watching👀 so do your thing—#(pls feel free to duke it out with me too if y’all read this i need my birdsite algorithm to le a r n that i dont wanna see stuff like this)
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for the love of god someone convince me from texting my ex, i daydreamed too closr to the sun and now i want attention😭
#its not a door i should open#but idk if im crazy and i need to drop my suspicions and try again or if im really going to be right some day#and we get involved again then that person comes along and its a messy awful breakup and i just cant do that to them#but fuck i wish i could be with them#i would love them but the problem is (aside from their drinking) it would be so easy to fall in love with them#but they want long term and aside from me knowing im leaving the province soon i dont think wish how i am now id be okay with pretending#its not fair#i want to see them again#im jealous of attention they probably get and that theyve probably given#and i really hate how i was made and that i cant just go with the flow#but again drinking and dark eyes aside theyre practically perfect#i miss them so much sometimes that im actually posting more on instagram in the hopes theyll notice me again#i wonder if they think about me or if theyre too busy getting laid#cause theyre in a band so duh obviously theyre getting laid#I FUCKING HATE MY INABILITY TO BE ATTRACTED TO PEOPLE#ITS NOT FAIR#I HATE MY SUPERSTITIONS SO DAMN MUCH I WANT TO LET THEM GO AND BE HAPPY BUT I CANT#I CANT STOP THINKING ABOUT THE PERSON I WANT TO BE WITH WITH PRETTY BLUE EYES AND BIG HANDS#fuck nate was so close to perfect and i love that theyre so interesting and fuck i think id just give in if they had blue eyes#i could ignore the other problems and feel better about trying to be with them#mostly i just want them to kiss me and hug me again#they were so gentle about it and it felt so safe and i wanna cry cause i know its not fair to contact them#but fuck i wish i could#i dont want to be alone anymore and they made me laugh#i dont know what to do but i wish it was easier to at least meet people if not date them#i just want to feel something for someone new so i can feel like im over them#but sadly they work at ikea and its not even the closest one to me but i have to go there for a new mattress topper and jars#and i keep imagining running into them AND ITS FUCKING ME UP i want to talk to them but i cant do that
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Oooh why are you a Lava Cake hater? I’m so curious
😔😔😔 ive been discovered /j
I'm not even really a hater I'm just strongly. disinterested in it. It doesn't do anything for me, and I'm struggling to see how it got so popular (no hate to the shippers though lmao have fun!!!)
maybe this is gods revenge for the garvar era. punishing me for my crackship with another one. 😔
#i think im probably going to block the lava cake tag#theres so much of it in the main tag now and i just cant make myself care#i think fitz and marella could have an interesting dynamic?#in the first book she was sort of on dexs side about the whole vackers better than thou shit#she was the not like other girls gossip girl and he was the popular boy.#in a cheesy 2000s highschool movie? I think they have potential#and in canon it might be interesting to explore their relationship#when shes grown into an ability that marks her as a reject and unmatchable with him#but in canon i also cant see what would attract them to eachother in the first place.#maybe just prolonged exposure over the years slowly wearing away that distance between them?#sorry about the rambling tags lmao im just kind of writing down my thought process#now that im being forced to think about it though. i think it does have some potential.#it does seem like it can be an interesting dynamic but i still cant fully see it as romantic. if that makes sense.#kotlc
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how do you think seth and makoto would get along?
I think that they would be pretty nice and cordial with eachother, but it would be a pretty surface level relationship. Makoto would probably keep him at a distance and not share anything about his life for Makoto reasons, meanwhile I imagine Seth is largely indifferent to him
. i mean in theory i can see Seth caring more and latching onto him as an authority figure, wanting to please and follow orders all that, but like Yomi is kinda taking up that spot atm sooo i dont rlly see it happening. kinda interesting to think of tho cuz i think its funny to imagine Seth being like "woah an authority figure whos not mean to me.. thats sso amazing" meanwhile Makoto doesn't even remember his lastname and doesn't care to
i can see the 2 like, enjoying a tea party tho ngl, talking all about how they hate Yomi (thats mostly Seth Makoto just nods along and sideglances the framed photos he has of him sitting just a few feet away)
also random hc but i like to think like, Seth often accidentally/subconsciously calls Makoto 'masked freak' or some shit, he just does it without thinking, what being around yomi hellsmile and being subjected to his rants does to a mf (hes so tired man. so tired)
anyway thank u alfie i consulted them on this cuz im no makoto expert and if i were to mischaracterize a character from my hyperfixation id simply die . so naturally i wanted to avoid that
#for a post about seth and makoto i talked a fair bit about yomi sorry hjvnjfg#i just think he just plays a decent part in like seths relationship with authority#so itd make sense hed come up when discussing seth with his Other Boss (kinda . no clue to what extent he has power over the peacekeepers)#also having to think about this made me wonder . why do people ship Sekoto#when i saw it before i kinda nodded along it makes surface level sense#i kinda assumed the appeal was in it being a saviour type thing#but now that i think of it i cant see them like having much interest in eachother esp like relationship wise#i mean atleast they look cute together ig#seth burroughs#rain code#raincode#master detective archives#master detective archives: rain code#mdarc#mda:rc#makoto kagutsuchi#will i tag yomi. sure#yomi hellsmile#asks#makoyomi#i guess
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Just said "sheesh, Kenna, you're the smartest person I know" out loud while reading your tags on the FMA Truth and Ed's atheism post. Then I realized that Indiana probably doesn't care as much for this information as you might lolol
honestly i'd originally written a really annoying ramble about gods in fiction under that post and now i'm so glad i deleted it to write that much more succinct breakdown of my thoughts on the matter
#I have such a ramble I could go on in every single direction of this topic because this is the stuff i think long and hard about#but im not even sure which part of my tags impressed you lmao#i feel like im just constantly shouting 'theres nuance!' about an issue which has#in fact truly deeply caused a lot of pain and hurt in the world! so like of course people dont want to see the nuance!#and they dont need to! thats a thing for me to have fun thinking deeply about - if its a cause of strife dont even worry about it!#i am actively working on a story right now where the 'gods' are knowingly lying and manipulating the mortal population#but like. they can't not. because they're not 'gods' as is all-knowing all-powerful supposed-to-reward-the-good-punish-the-bad#i think because thats a kind of god referred to in stories that im disinterested in. its boring and also comes with so much baggage#im way more interested in 'gods' as in creators. and thats it. i made this planet but thats all i can do. i cant fix it#or i made this ocean. i cant stop you from drowning in it i can just make ocean#and i'd never thought of it in terms of the laws of physics but like YEAH ACTUALLY. gravity as a god. i pull things together#you NEED to fight it sometimes! it kills you and it keeps you alive and there's no morality to it!#im also interested in gods as like. alien consciousnesses. like if there was a guy out there and he gave you life but#if you looked at him he would blind you and if you touched him he'd vaporize you#like just take all the physics and reality of the sun and put it in a person-shape and give it a voice#like again theres no morality to the sun! but once we personify things like that we start putting morality and baggage on them!#anyway im rambling lmao i could go on for hours. i just loved the idea of Truth as god just like Gravity as god
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think i got spoiled for life on mars bc i wanted to make a stupid fucking post abt gene x sam hatesex. TWICE spoiled
#when will i learn. i just wanted an image of them#anyways gene is straight but he WOULD do sam in like a roman way.#i mean they already had a fight club style post fight smoke sesh and ppl made bets on who wld pull a gun on the other first. if you get me#I DONT SHIP THEM BTW lol i just think its funny. theyre funny. genes stupid twink partner#also completely unrelated i think they implied gene got pegged in one ep ?! unless i misinterpreted the joke#sam is so funyyyyyy. my stupid fucking loser boy#chad 'gay boy science' sam vs virgin 'i am not gay' bbc watson#dude gay boy science makes me giggle so hard whenever i think abt it#apart from sam i rlly like annieeeeee.. ANNIEEEE... and chris too hes crazy funny#OHHHH i love this showwww.#i know theres a sequel series but its not abt sam so idgaffffff.#i cant look too hard to see if sam is in it bc of insane spoiler risk but mannnnn. MY BOYYYYY. come back to meeee#btw i think sammmm is bi. and transssss everyone get hit with my trans beam#love you sammy wammy#i hope the series finlae is good butttt whatver if not. s1 finale was sooooo good im happy w that as a nice good sam plot#s2 has felt kinda stupid compared but i guess we will see how it pans out. i only have like 3 eps left#will b very interesting.#i dont know and dont rlly have a theory rn but it seems like hes being used as a test subject moreso than being in hospital now as of s2#it wld be crazyyyy funny tho if it was like for real kinda time travel and theyre like 'pls say u didnt change anything too much' like Gulp#like obvs theres all the cases hes helped solve. but also weird timeloop stuff like seeing his 4 yr old self etc#but like dude hes also terrible. he just drops future facts abt politics and music and technology like . FOR FUN LOL#love u sammy PLEASE STAY SAFE
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a weird little thing abt me is i will definitely mock shitty ai art but it never feels right doing it about the hands simply by virtue of the fact that a lot of them look indistinguishable from the hands i was doing years ago when i first got a drawing tablet
#like id have the right number of fingers obv but like. putting the thumb on the wrong side#fingers bending weird directions or connecting in weird places#weird anatomy at joints‚ freaky nails‚ bad proportions‚ bad perspective‚ etc etc etc#people say 'this isnt ai like in sci-fi its just machine learning' but to me its a lot more interesting to look at it as#'this isnt ai like in scifi /yet/'#like yeah the stuff ai does in fiction isnt possible at this point but like. i find it difficult not to wonder if this#is the ai version of infancy stages yknow? like.#ppl go 'its cant write its own stuff its just recycling stuff its been fed' as if thats not kinda how people . learn to talk?#idk i just find it hard to agree with arguments that act like where we currently are at is the furthest these technologies could possibly#evolve in our lifetimes#'it just makes things up' you mean like toddlers going on long winding rambles about unicorns and monsters or w/e#'it cant do art good' you mean like a child? or even just literally Anyone who doesnt know how to draw yet?#like. idk. i feel like people are trying very very hard to insist the ai of today is still the same as it was in the clevverbot days#and that its impossible to evolve any further#people want to cling to the old days when ai stuff didnt pass the turing test by a much wider marging than it tends to now#dont want to admit that it does indeed sometimes surpass the turing test and likely would be able to even moreso were it#not for restraints#(see: that one stock trading ai that did insider trading vs various chatbots not bring allowed to write disparaging things#about copyrighted people or w/e)#if ai stuff was still truly indistinguishable from human works then we wouldnt need to spend so much time#hashtag exposing things as being ai generated#and i just think its bad to‚ in pursuit of that‚ mock things that are like. just stuff all beginner artists struggle with#i guarantee you there is not a single artist out there who hasnt drawn a hand that made them want to curl up and die at least once.#i got very off-topic there but swung it back around at the end there so. hashtag win#origibberish
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its so weird to read some of my old fics (do NOT do it but i'm just being hypothetical rn) and reading it. like who even was this person?? i completely was in a haze back in 2020. i literally was posting 3 chapters a day. A DAY. what in the WORLD was that shit.
anyway i remembered some STUPID sappy shit and i didnt remember if i'd put it into a fic or not BUT I FOUND IT.
She and Hope had been dating in secret for months anyway, and any attempt to go talk to Ryan only filed her disposition of displeasure upon knowing that she couldn’t tell anyone, Molly especially, it destroyed herself mentally. They couldn’t really go anywhere near the school, always having to lie to everyone about having projects together when Molly wasn’t around them. It’d consisted with 9 PM - 2 AM intervals of being able to actually see each other. Hope would sneak through her small bedroom window with a portable record player and whatever she had gotten from the vintage record store downtown, and Amy would always fall asleep around eleven because of her internal clock. She would always wake up to find a single sticky note stuck on the edge of her desk whenever she woke up to her alarm the next morning. One of them, Amy still had tucked inside of her phone case, a heavily detailed human heart, with blue and red ink sketched onto a neon pink sticky note, there was a caption that headed the small paper reading the phrase over every now and again makes her almost melt every time. “You have my heart.”
yeah idk why the fuck but i thought of this fucking idea again today and i was like "omg did i ever put that heart note thing in a fic???" yeah you fucking did.
all that to say ME AND WHO???? imagine. thats so fucking.... RAHHHH.
#NOT TOH FANFIC#see this is why i write fanfic. to enact some gay ass shit like this.#the fucking STICKY NOTE WITH A DRAWING OF A HUMAN HEART AND SAYING “YOU HAVE MY HEART” I AM ON THE FLOOR.#*sighs* sucks i cant reuse it on lumity though.#my friend making me realize i actually have rizz but am just too much of a disaster to actually understand cues with people#its a MESS. im just all over the place. i literally ranted to THE SAME FRIEND yesterday (or the day before??) abt some girl jesus.#anyway i remember writing A LOT OF POETRY back in hs about this one girl and then the same girl i got to talk to--#--my first actual conversation with her i blurted out that i wanted to shave my head. she was like.... oooooo god i was A MESS#still slid into her school dms during covid and was like “haha guess what i actually mf did???” anyway all that to say underlying dysphoria#they're nonbinary now too and i kinda ghosted them like a complete idiot :(. its been two years or so but i still think of them... a lot...#actually i have more lore about this person and its like istg they actually really liked me but i could not pick it up.#we had such SUCH good chemistry and vibes. n they were really pretty. ughhhhhh.#anyway yeah idk crushes are weird sometimes. the universe knows how unstoppable id be with a partner#i feel like i was the reason they were able to find themself and their identity because when we were talking i always encouraged them#and told them to do what felt right. im glad they did. i think sometimes that brings me peace. like i served a purpose.#STILL showed them toh. STILL SHOWED THEM TOH.#we were talking about amity LMAO “this green haired girl seems interesting” SHE SO WAS.#...yeah i wish i could text them but i kinda probably fucked it up.#shitposting shit#idk what this post is i just wanted to talk about this dumb sticky note thing because im rotating it in my brain and remembering how#mentally ill i was back in 2020#talking into the void yk how it isssss
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I started a piece of art today which is based on some plant species* that I think would be good to colonize Tim in @gunpowder-tim’s headcanon of the Persephone Tim headcanon; so it’s art based on a headcanon of a headcanon of a headcanon 😅 [sweat simle emoji].
It’s gonna take a long time I think, but I am planning on posting it here even though it’s just gonna be plants and no Tim (because I am much better at drawing these little doodle plants than drawing people).
*so the art is basically of real species we have on Earth, but I maintain that they wouldn’t have the same plants on the City, so in my brain his plants are just similar to these ones.
#i don’t know if i should main tag this. thats always hard for me to tell#persephone tim#i am taking a break now because for some reason it took me almost 4 hours to paint some ghost pipe.#i am researching more species too. im looking at a lot of liverworts. but they are ‘obscure’ enougb thats its not always easy to find if-#they are parasitic or not. i know *some* species of liverwort are. and depending on how im able to draw them i might include non-parasitic-#species because i need the space filled a particular way#im also tired because i stayed up until after 6 am and then didn’t take my sleep meds (because it was 6 am)#oh there’s also gonns be some mushrooms included#ive explained it before but basically the fungus being an intermediary is a thing we see in real life (although not between plants and-#animals afaik) and it makes sense because fungi are closer related to animals than to plants.#now i suppose thats not necessarily true on the City. because we dont know if they are homo sapiens or not (this would make possible-#implications for the other life on the plant). however for now I have no hcs regarding that. its easiest to go with their life works the-#same as ours. but their species are different if for no other reason because of evolution (over time)#well thats whats easiest and most interesting and fun *to me* which i realize is because i am a biologist and happen to also crave as much-#scientific accuracy as possible. but thats not everyones cup of tea. not everyone wants to spend hours searching about different parasitic-#plants to choose one for this and learn about how they interact and what not. probably *most* people wouldnt think this hard about it.#and that’s okay too. if you like to make up your own plants whole cloth and not worry about it aligning with realy world biology. thats-#okay too. do what you like.#(unless you are a tv/movie/book/etc which is supposed to be set in our world on our earth. YOU CANT MAKE APE/WORM HYBRIDS! for crissakes)#hope its okay i tagged you gunpowder-tim#also sorry to everyone for how much i ramble in the tags. i have adhd and keeping 1 try of though is nigh on impossible#like this: nigh means near. so nigh on impossible is nearly impossible. but one way of defining nigh is approaching. then its approaching-#impossible. which makes me think of math. ‘as x approaches infinity;’ ‘as y approaches impossible’#there have a little language and math too with your dose of spec bio explanation#(the ape/worm thing is a reference to an early x-files episode that i have complained about in tags before)
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#hmm its been an interesting week i suppose#very busy in a good way. but that is always how it starts. i make myself so busy and it feels good and then i wobble and fall out of my body#so im feeling wary. also bc ive been under sleeping more than ususal but im not really tired but im also not boiling out of my skin with#energy. i just feel ok. so thats good. but also a demon in the back of my head is always like: then stay up all night. lets see how far we#can push this. which is not good. and in fact ive been proscribed like basically emergency mood stablizers to knock me out if i start like#losing my mind and not sleeping lol. bc i dont wanna b getting ready for something big and like completely unavailable to control my#ability to think. and ive also been proscribed birth control to get a handke on my fucked up hormones. so we'll see if that makes things#less all over the place. hopefully it works bc im so busy i kinda dont have time to like freak thr fuck out#but i am a lil apprehensive bc like i can count on my hormones to make me feel things when a lot of the time i dont have much emotional#range. so its like fuck finally i can cry abt this. or like fuck this is so beautiful. but then i also cant function sometimes#so i guess i just gotta see what happens. sigh. also the typical frustrating in having to read so much. like ppl hear im dyslexic and r like#oh do u want accommodation? like literally wtf r u gonna do to help me as a grad student? it just takes an agonizing amount of time to#understand thing. i have my computer read to me and i suffer. theres literally nothing else to b done abt it. and fucking next week i have#to teach a fucking lab abt reading scientific papers. they have to read a paper in class. fuck off. those r the types of exercises that make#me feel so fucking stupid. like do this thing right now. read it right here and answer questions abt it. and i fucking read it and retain#fucking nothing. im fucking 26 and literally in my grant writing class i have to apologize to every person before i give them feedback like#lol sorry i can barely fucking read. i fucking cant understand language. its fine but it sucks. theres nothing to do abt it. it just makes#me mad i have to teach a class that would have made me cry as an undergrad. so ill prob hold their hands thru it more than the other TAs#will. bc fuck u im not making them read a whole fucking paper in class. fuck u#plus the frustration of not being able to express myself well in thr moments. like theres a delay in my brain so i feel so dumb when im#trying to convey myself off the top of my head. like give me time and ill write it all out for u i just cant actually process wtf ur saying#to me. also i probably spaced out for a sec so i missed part of the convo lol. frustrating but at this point its just how it is. it makes me#more empathetic when i have to teach i guess. like listen ive got all kinds of fucking learning probs i just wanna help u learn something#how can i help? fucking dyslexia. god. i dont wanna prep for class this weekend. ive gotta show up like yea i kno reading papers is hard at#first but it gets easier! fuck u. its worth the suffering if i enjoy to topic but its always suffering. but thats what i get for going into#academia. thr dr who proscribed me stuff was like well sounds like u have a stress trigger and ur a phd student where life is stress... u#gotta figure out whats gonna work for u. sometimes thats a career change. not in like a pushy way just like: if what u do makes u suffer#then wtf r u doing? and hes got a point. but in contrast to what i was doing this is a massive improvement#well see if its manageable. ugh. i just wanna draw#unrelated
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listening to music on blast removing my own sutures x
#vibez tbh#anyway . i have my medical tape off rn bc i just took a shower#will remove this thing then put it back on . but anyway slightly sinking in. had a what have i done what have i#become kind of moment . like i am no longer in pain so i can think now . i cant feel my nose or my thighs or my jaw properly#looked at my face and i was like oh . ok. got held up at iran passport security started saying my prayers#and they were like we dont think you are the person in your passport. and i had to show them evidence etc like#yeah i literally am unrecognisable as a person actually. same w the UK e-gates#i have someone else hair laser glued onto mine. i have a part of my body#grafted onto another part of my body. i had my nose broken and restructured.#i had half of my corneal tissue removed to see better. on their own these are all minor#but altogether at the same time i look. different.#it's so fascinating. interesting . etc. like genuinely what the fuck#to wake up and just look like a completely different person . knowing you have been rearranged and subtracted from and added to.#i feel like an art project. i feel like art. i feel like a monster. i feel fascinated.#i feel fascinating.#still have 8 lives left its alright .#when i had femto lasik done (which is supposed to be pretty much painless) i experienced the worst pain of my life#this is because i forgot to tell them about the grafting under my eyes and because there were two initially imperceptible wounds/scars#in both of my eyes. i felt the heat and pressure inside my eyes and i felt them cutting into#infinitely small points of pain. my head felt warm and my eyes were melting. my doctor apologised for not seeing them before#and he told me to focus on the green light in the middle of the red and i did . and they spread into a thousand stars#and i kept repeating to myself JUST GREEN NOTHING ELSE JUST THE GREEN NOTHING ELSE until it was over#i spent the next day in agony despite the pressure lenses and the apologies#but that constellation of green and red overlayed on nothingness#and patterns generated by blood vessels and lasers#was one of the most beautiful things i have ever seen to this day.#maybe the most beautiful thing . i dont know.
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