#but poland respectively what the fuck is your entry this year

[mooooooosicals]

Bejba

It's kajna

krejza

Get this shit out of my fucking head man

[borisbubbles]

Eurovision 2022: #28

28. DENMARK ReDDI - “The show” 31st place

Decade ranking: 56/79 [Above Uku, below TIX]

I’m back from holiday, bitches! Time to update this more frequently, and finally get to the entries I fucking care about.

Nobody fucking cares about ReDDI, STeDDI, FLoP though. I don’t think we should mistake our collective relief when they won Denmark’s A-BYS-MAL selection (seriously the worst NF of this year, which given the “efforts” by Germany and Israel, was a fucking achievement.) for an indicator of goodness.  Any euphoria I could have felt about ReDDI was immediately quenched by France and Serbia picking Fulenn and Konstrakta respectively, two uproarious acts we all (you better) grew obsessed with upon impact.

“You can’t stop me” - Irony. 

Notionally, my misandrist ass should get behind 🌸~*Girl Powah*~ 🌸  in any form but this year had plenty of that, so I can afford to be a bit picky, tee-hee!  😋 Reddi’s brand of Girl Power is, both visually and lyrically some basic catalogue material.

Also, they are also doing Amanda’s Dead Opening Minute thing? The first half of ‘The Show’ by ReDDi is too slow and quite DeaDDI. If there had been SOME (any) pay-off in the second half for that it’d be okay to sit through a an agonizing ninety seconds of Siggy slowly frumping her way through a parade of Unfortunate Singing Faces but- 

-for a song by that name, “The show” possesses very little of it and the little it has sounds like a poprock tune that might have been popular in a time before today’s college freshmen had been born. Who on earth would be interested in hearing a song like that in 2022 AD? Why, the head of Danmarks Radioordningen, of course. 😑

There are figments of positivity in my feelings about ReDDI though. They DID save us from what would have been yet another horrible Danish entrant (any of the other 7 in DMGP 2022), and I dug the return of Soluna Samay’s Enthusiastic Fake Drummer Girl to the contest for another display of Enthusiastically Fake Girl-Drumming. Ihan is the best part of “The Show”, and I won’t hear otherwise.

But overall, I’m mostly just relieved that ReDDI didn’t get into the way of Systur’s qualification and am kind of amused by how they randomly beat Eat Your Salad in the fucking televote (lmfaooooo. I know I haven’t ranked Citi Zeni yet but that’s so hilarious to me - OWNED!!!). Otherwise, meh. Things certainly could have been a lot worse, so I’m happy to just count my blessings and move on.

AND NOW ON TO RANKING BETTER (more entertaining but still not good) THINGS IN THE NEXT POST!!! Whenever that’ll be~

THE RANKING:

28. DENMARK - ReDDI - “The show” 29. BULGARIA - Intelligent Music Project - “Intention” 30. GREECE - Amanda Tenjford - “Die together” 31. POLAND - Ochman - “River” 32. MONTENEGRO - Vladana - “Breathe” 33. FINLAND - The Rasmus - "Jezebel" 34. BELGIUM - Jérémie Makiese - “Miss you” 35. NORWAY - Subwoolfer - “Give that wolf a banana” 36. AUSTRALIA - Sheldon Riley - “Not the same” 37. SWITZERLAND - Marius Bear - “Boys do cry” 38. AZERBAIJAN - Nadir Rustamli - “Fade to black” 39. ITALY - Mahmood & Blanco - “Brividi” 40. ISRAEL - Michael Ben David - “I.M”

[gncrevan]

alright, i'm bringing back my "nor says some shit about every ESC entry" tradition, sorry or you're welcome, whichever you prefer.

ukraine: i wanna bring goodwill here but the rap is very bad and using black people as set dressing is arguably worse. i like the singing tho

austria: choice quote from this literal girlboss anthem — "we can be CEO / yeah you already know / we can be the boss / fly higher than the gods" cringe

netherlands: boring as usual but it's nice they're singing in dutch for a change

albania: potential to be really funny, the song sucks ass but the music video is game of thrones meets stolen visuals from, like, florence and the machine's king mv and kiki rockwell's same old energy mv it's hilarious

uk: oh my god it's white jesus! he's here! honestly it's not horrible so germany has good chances of being in last place again and that's a reason to celebrate in and of itself, thank you white jesus

sweden: this song has such a weird fucking structure, first it just starts without any real intro which is uncommon for a ballad, then it suddenly drops a synth bass in the second verse, i have no idea what's going on? like i don't hate it but what

france: finally, some good fucking trash! and from france no less, that's so unexpected

serbia: i wish it was a little more unhinged but this is genuinely a good song i would listen to in my free time. i hope she washes her hands on stage.

armenia: walmart mumford & sons

spain: sounds like something they would play in 365 days. also extreme y2k vibes in the video for some reason?

romania: the juxtaposition of a dance beat, really involved choreography, and a singer who just has no energy is honestly. it's a lot. i kinda love it. i love this weird twink

italy: ok so i really like mahmood and i have massive respect for him for showing himself in tender embrace with a man in this video, but the song is kinda. meh. that's sad

cyprus: what's with all the history-themed videos this year? lol anyway this sucks toes

greece: props for singing acapella with only some vocoder backing on this for over a minute. i mean it's still bad but that's kinda impressive

belgium: this one's probably gonna be made or broken by the choreography cause what little they showed of that in the vid was really good and really improved the song

azerbaijan: there was the chance for this to be a really melodramatic power ballad and they didn't take it. the video was a little bit hilarious tho, the rain effects killed me

lithuania: very, uh. lynchian idk

portugal: tfw your back-up singers all have better technique than you

israel: what in the rupaul's drag race contestant's original song

australia: terrible lyrics aside this could have been so fucking operatic and y'all just didn't do it? you just didn't? why???

montenegro: "the air is what they need / the air is what they breathe / they'll die without it / it's unforgivable" so true bestie

san marino: jared leto joker

bulgaria: y'all ever heard wolfgang petry make "rock" cause that's kinda this hook

poland: if more of it was like the bridge it would be pretty great, hoping for good staging

moldova: polka!!!!! fuck yeah polka!!!

norway: it's so fucking stupid i love it

north macedonia: ........ i like the rings in her hair. song's boring.

switzerland: yeah unsurprisingly this is absolutely terrible

malta: what is with these gay/trans pandering songs, why are there so many of them, why are they all so disingenuous and why do they all sound like shit

ireland: this sounds like every other song and also not like a song at all

finland: ok listen. i was a the rasmus stan in my early teens, and i stopped listening cause they got worse. in the shadows was their prime. whatever this is is embarrassing and kinda gross. please hike up your pants, lauri, and don't act weird with your new female band member, and don't write fetishistic shit like "a girl who looks like she's a boy". please stop. you're in your 40s and this is sad.

czech republic: i will probably forget this song in 5 minutes

iceland: country abba. abba but country.

estonia: the only good part was the western horse gallop beat

germany: they really couldn't do a second take on that third line, huh? anyway, germany zero points <3

denmark: i think it's so funny when obvious pop artists act like they're playing hard rock or punk or riot grrl or some shit

latvia: LET! THEM! SAY! FUCK! AND! PUSSY!!!!!

georgia: somehow three songs in one and all of them feel like overly long interludes, idk what's going on

slovenia: anime opening sang by a decently ok guy at karaoke. also the video is just a slide show of the storyboard which is funny

croatia: how many times do we have to teach you this lesson, old man? nobody likes acoustic singer/songwriter bullshit at eurovision

[annathesimple]

What everybody brought to the ESC (sprinkled with my humble opinion)

Albania: desire to call the storm your brother (yeah, I dig it and it made me poetic, shut up), run from civilization and make the spirits of the wild your allies. Also: Cleopatra Mom in a Pride dress can I squeal with joy??!

Armenia: empowering song and beautiful performer. I hope she brings her suit *winks*, oh, yeah, and the braids, the braids!! And a familiar face to Ukrainians! ;)

Australia: stop shitting on them, the pips know what Eurovision is about, look at them this year: try to describe this without the word extra. They just embodied the moth&lamp meme. Brought: the daughter-dress of 2018 Estonia and Russia paired with the sexiest dementor you've seen

Austria: if she will look into me like she did in the music video than maybe I will break down, she is tearing at my walls. Brought:  blue hair to make me listen, and it works.

Azerbaijan: a medal for aesthetic goal. It might not exist yet, but it freaking should. Also, I am stealing so many of the things that they used in the music video, you just watch me

Belarus: that white outfit of hers. Or the legs. No, the outfit. Or the legs?.. Which one of these makes me keep staring? (Also brought all these dislikes from Belarussian people, which reminds me - RIP the potato masterpiece of this year)

Belgium: quality Netflix Original's soundtrack. Also a soundtrack to a montage of you running towards your goal and honestly - it's sweet.

Croatia: KAO HEROOOOOJ!!! Also: piano?? hopefully a piano?? We need it, come on, people need to fill out theirs esc bingos, people want to get drunk and we will help them! Also: stairs?? Possknly many stairs??

Cyprus: "Fuego" got reborn and we are being delivered heavy dance beats again, yay!

Czech Republic: oh, the funk, they stolen it? and added an 80' bassline? I hate it and I love it, you have no idea how hard are my relationship with this song is. But facts are facts.

Denmark: A MOTHERFUCKING HUGE CHAIR, I hope they bring it: I am supporting a policy that if you have a lot of space - you should do crazy shit with it. Also: brought German, cause Germany couldn't

Estonia: Aviici wibes and, oh yeah!, another song about a storm! I vote to start a new category for esc bingo: songs featuring storm in their lyrics or title. Also: guitar? Pretty please

Finland: Darude. As a rule I don't list people here, but the rules don't apply to you once you become a meme. Also: Poison Ivy just came to dance on a rotating cube in the middle of the stage - cause that's what you do, that's what I would have done if only I have been confident enough.

France: good boy, cinnamon roll, his wigs are the best and are not to be snatched, ok??! I am getting serious "Phoenix" wibes. Also: cute glasses!

Georgia: yes! They brought these awesome back vocals for which I love them so much!! Also: I feel like Georgia has its goal to make us love Georgian, and idk about you, but it works on mee~~

Germany: SISTAH!!! It's caraoce night and Elsa and Pocahontas are winning it. Also: can I talk about how refreshing it is to see a female duo?

Greece: actual Greece aesthetic wibes?? Beauty, so much beauty. Also: give them swords!! Allow them swords on the stage, cowards!!

Hungary: a song about a dad! I sense a streak! And I want to kiss everybody responsible for keeping it in Hungarian. Also: whistling! That you cannot get out of your head!

Iceland: they got last place last time so they are angry now, ahah. But honestly, we haven't even started yet  and Hatari is already a meme, and we all know that it's the true currency of Eurovision fame. They are worth an essay, it's just I won't do it here.

Ireland: light happy pop for you to finally relax. And, for some reason, nostalgia? I blame Irish magic.

Israel: an Israeli Freddy Mercury with a strong song and a pinch of Disney sound. Interesting in a good way vocals.

Italy: "ramadan" rimed with "Jackie Chan", a big fuck you to all the haters and international versions of D.Trump. Also: ~~soldiii~~, ~~soldiii~~

Latvia: your soundtrack for soft and quiet, warm night walks. Magic the color of black and crimson velvet. The ocean of the eyes.

Lithuania: that one song that encourages you to stand up and go towards what you want, plants a seed of self appreciation inside of you. Good stuff. And his voice is higher than the expectations of your relatives.

Malta: another aesthetics award!! Also - I can't possibly say no to people who put chameleons into music videos. Also: another member of "nana" squad!

Moldova: this year it's them who is bringing us a ballad: and a solid one, + the voice

Montenegro: oh yes!! Finally!! A grandpa!! With a beard!! Playing a traditional instrument!! The sacred commandments are being followed!! Also snow in May aesthetic.

North Macedonia: a powerful ballad for girls and I am here for it!! Go and break the rules! Make everybody fucking emotional!! We need it and we deserve it!

Norway: the sickest Christmas party in a Narnia setting: LET ME IIIN.The furry jokes. And if u think they will stop any time soon - you are wildly misguided. And now we have another version of what does the fox say!

Poland: if you haven't heard them already - probably they brought smth you haven't really expected from them as a folk band. They make me feel things. The outfits!! I said THE OUTFITS!!

Portugal: a true to life representation of my last two brain cells. It's so eary, so unusual that I am in love. Back in my days (and it's like a week ago) I had to do a half an hour long deep YouTube dive to get to music like this. Artttt

Romania: abandoned mansions aesthetic, possible mythical wibes, yessss, bring it to meee!

Russia: Lazarev. They brought Lazarev. You know who he is, what can I say except for: why is his signing is so good??hmm

San Marino: a true leader of "nanana" squad appears!! I like to think that's how San Marino celebrates all of its national holidays. They've always came to Eurovision to party, and they are proving a point once again.

Serbia: I know many like to complain about ballads: but come on, we need at least some, and Serbia delivered, at least we always can rely on Balcan countries for that! Also: I hope she brings her crystal horns with her to the stage, they paid them so much attention!

Slovenia: depressed youth love brought you some indi to relax but also to float into space contemplating your choices.

Spain: is here to cure your depression in case any of the previous songs triggered it. Brought a party, the Sun, and the most Spanish sounding thing I have ever heard. I feel like they thrive out of dandelion wine.

Sweden: changed their formula a bit and suddenly in works on me, and it works very well! There is a literall door to heaven above the stage! That's where they came from! Also: I am in love with the back vocal singers.

Switzerland: a Spanish wibe + some Asian notes/sound?? + heavy dance beat = yeah, they got me, it is indeed good to dance to.

The Netherlands: brought sensitivity and forced it on me, brought tears and put them behind my eyes. Goodness gracious, whyyy

UK: such a sweet happy song, love how the entries from UK tend to be so sunny and bright recently. Brought me desire to hug my friends and close ones.

Please note that I have no intentions of offending anybody, we all are here to have a good time. I respect everybody on this list.

[eurovosion]

 some thoughts on this year’s entries

or i guess just a ranking with comments tacked on

albania - this year’s nf season was a let down for me, partly because a lot of the winning songs weren’t the best on offer, and partly because albania picked first and nothing could live up to it. i love the depth this has, the dark, almost tribal vibes, and most of all i love how they didn’t fuck up the revamp like they usually do. if this is staged correctly, i think this could do really well. 10/10

greece - i feel like this has been overlooked in the wider fandom, which is odd because greek entries are usually pretty polarising, for better or for worse. regardless, i really like this. it’s atmospheric, powerful as hell, and katerine is more than capable of nailing it live. don’t count greece out just yet! 9.5/10

portugal - festival da canção was easily the best nf this year and the portuguese public picked wisely. telemóveis is such an intriguing song with a really curious sound, so traditional yet so modern at the same time. i’m not 100% on the staging, but they have time to figure it out. 9.5/10

spain - la venda wasn’t the song i was rooting for in the selection (rip todo bien, never forgotten) but i’m fully on board with it now. this works so well with a big audience, and you just know that the crowd will be on his side. if this doesn’t go top 10 at the very least i’ll be stunned. 9/10

cyprus - this is just as instant as fuego for me. not sure if tamta will do as well as eleni, but the cypriot delegation has definitely found their winning formula. 9/10

malta - malta is not fucking around this year. this is a verified banger, and their best entry in years, perhaps their best ever. take as many youtube ads as you want, michela, you deserve them. 8.5/10

azerbaijan - without a doubt, azerbaijan is back with a vengeance. you can tell they’re determined to set the record straight and prove that last year was just a blip, because this is great and hopefully the live performance reflects that. 8.5/10

denmark - i really should hate this, but i can’t. it’s so innocent and cheerily optimistic in a way that i can only be jealous of whilst humming along to the chorus. this deserves to do well. 8/10

italy - it took me a little while to warm up to soldi, but once i finally got there i really started to appreciate it. i don’t think it’s a winner, but it’s a very good song, and in the end that’s all that matters. 8/10

san marino - yes, serhat is in my top 10, and what of it? you only wish your fave could write a song in ten minutes and have it go off like this. and yes, if he doesn’t qualify you’ll catch me openly sobbing in the streets for weeks. 8/10

switzerland - an unabashed bop with some actual choreography, but lacking lyrically. then again, so was fuego and that popped off live. he’s also working with the same stage director as eleni, which can only be good news for him. 7.5/10

the netherlands - don’t get me wrong, it’s a very polished song and i’m sure duncan’s great but like... is that it? this is the big fan favourite? i’m very whelmed. 7.5/10

armenia - i was expecting something like yete karogh es from srbuk, so this came completely out of left field in the best way possible. i thought we’d lost our token edgy pop song when ukraine dropped out, but armenia saved us at the last minute. the only thing i’m worried about are her vocals, because, from what i’ve seen, she isn’t the most confident performer. 7/10

serbia - another respectable but ultimately pretty safe pick from serbia this year. nevena has a really strong voice and she sells the song well, so i think she’ll avoid another moje 3 style placement. 7/10

germany - first of all, aly ryan was robbed. secondly, thank god the surprise song didn’t win. thirdly, this is alright. nothing spectacular, but it’s cute and the spinning stage was a great stylistic choice. 7/10

latvia - thank you latvia for letting this win and rejecting markus riva’s basic ass for the sixth year in a row WHEW i really love the whole atmosphere that surrounds this. barring a miracle, however, i don’t think it’ll qualify, but it’s still a good attempt. 6.5/10

sweden - i don’t think it’s john’s most solid composition, but it’s a decent entry nevertheless and it’s nice to see sweden picking an entry that isn’t generic pop again. 6.5/10

united kingdom - my only faint glimmer of national pride so far this year is that we managed to pick the only good song from the flaming garbage pile that was our nf. yeah, the lyrics are redundant and it’s a ballad by numbers, but michael gives it his all and it really pays off. 6.5/10

ireland - this will absolutely not do well but who cares, it’s fun and harmless. super chill and easy to listen, and i think sarah’s a big eurovision fan already which is nice. also i’d just like to take this opportunity to thank her for ditching the ylva and linda song she originally applied with. 6.5/10

iceland - hm. this is one where you need to listen a few times to get a full impression of what the fuck you’re hearing/seeing. i really did not like this when i first heard it alongside all the other söngvakeppnin songs (and most of them sucked lbr), but now i’m kind of ambivalent towards it. i still don’t like the screaming or the key change, but it’s something different and i can admire that. 6/10

slovenia - fine, but forgettable. she has a nice voice, but there’s a distinct lack of stage presence from the two of them and i fear that this might get lost in the semi final. 6/10

israel - i’m conflicted here. i definitely don’t think home is as bad as the fan polls and reviews imply, but it’s not great either. a verse or two in hebrew would have really elevated this and i’m a little baffled as to why the writers didn’t include even a little bit considering the contest is on home turf this year. still, kobi’s a very convincing performer and israel probably didn’t want to win again anyway. 6/10

poland - this is an odd one, which isn’t a bad thing at all in a year full of safe entries. not sure if using the bilingual version was the best shout, but it’s clearly still very polish and i’m glad to hear that they’ll be wearing the traditional clothing on stage in tel aviv. 6/10

czech republic - the chorus absolutely slaps, and if i was judging by music alone this’d probably be in my top ten. unfortunately, though, the rest of the song exists. the lyrics are truly abysmal, with some of the lines ending awkwardly and without proper rhymes where they’re needed, and the spoken-word section is genuinely unbearable. 5.5/10

austria - i honestly don’t know where to place this one. very underwhelming when it was first released, but now i feel like there’s potential here. most of austria’s recent entries have been very under the radar only to end up doing quite well. i’m not as optimistic about this as some of those, but only time will tell. 5.5/10

hungary - not a patch on his previous entry, but pleasant enough. he’s a good performer and unless the staging really sucks, he’ll do fine. 5.5/10

north macedonia - it’s a nice ballad? i guess? and, unlike a lot of their recent entrants, tamara is an established singer who we all know can sing live. there are also rumours that the delegation has been planning the performance for a while, so who knows, perhaps this’ll qualify. 5/10

georgia - this has been growing on me lately. the song itself is a bit of a bust, although the revamp helped, but oto really brings it to life on stage. even if you don’t understand what he’s saying, you can tell by the emotion in his voice that he really means it. 5/10

russia - the nightmare dream team hasn’t produced a good song in over a decade at this point, this included. kirkorov needs to quit fooling himself and let someone else have a go. 4.5/10

belgium - belgium’s had quite the glow up since 2014, but i fear they’ve gone for style over substance this year. wake up is very polished, but it doesn’t go anywhere and eliot’s live performances haven’t been convincing as of yet. 4/10

lithuania - i don’t know what was more shocking, him winning the selection or me finding out that he was lolita zero’s real voice in 2017. this isn’t awful, just very repetitive and strangely put together. 3.5/10

norway - sue me, i don’t like this. the bald guy feels out of place and out of tune, it sounds like it was written by a child, and oh my god it’s so unbearably cheap. 3/10 

estonia - eesti laul was such a let down this year. usually there’s a good mix of mainstream and alternative genres, but the new producer doesn’t seem to give a shit about variety, which is a real shame. anyway, victor’s performance is slick, but he can barely sing and the song itself is nothing to write home about. 3/10

romania - when this was first selected i didn’t mind it, probably because i just really didn’t want laura bretan to win, but as the season drags on i’ve really soured to it. it feels like it lasts for a minute longer than it actually does, and the whole ay-ay-ay part was not a good choice. 2.5/10

australia - as someone who was a big fan of estonia last year, this is honestly the furthest thing from that. it comes across as quite cheap (even without the questionable staging), and the chorus really grates on me. 2.5/10

belarus - i didn’t watch the entirety of the belarusian auditions for them to reject the potato monks in favour of lidl’s own brand zara larsson. 2/10

france - this is why delegations should be wary of selecting social media stars for their national selections. yes, they might get the viewing figures up a little, but they’ll probably win and the song will be Bad. i respect his message, but holy shit is this hamfisted as hell. 1/10

finland - if anyone was wondering how darude only ever had one hit two decades ago, here is your answer. 1/10

moldova - they really don’t want to qualify this year, huh. could’ve had ca adriano celentano, but nope. basic tune, painfully simple lyrics, but i guess her voice is nice enough 1/10

croatia - this... is awful. upsettingly so. at least jacques’ last entry had a novelty factor, but he’s doomed this poor kid to failure. 0.5/10

montenegro - i have absolutely nothing positive to say here. honest to god one of the worst songs i’ve ever heard, and no amount of clumsily shoehorned in folk instrumentation was ever going to save this. i can only pray that they’re spending their preparation time wisely and taking singing lessons, but considering that they probably blew half the budget on the music video, it’s unlikely. 0/10

as for potential winners,  ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

a lot of the big fan favourites don’t have a winning vibe about them, so we might be in for a shock this year. please let it be albania or greece

also feel free to drop me an ask if you want to chat about last year’s entries since i kind of ditched tumblr for a year or two lmao

[melekseev]

what are your top 10 eurovision 2016 songs?

nknjgkj dude this is so hard 2016 was like my favorite year besides this one (and i was actually rather happy with the actual top ten, like… i liked all those songs??? mental)

but alright alright

1 - Hungary (No bias, it was simply my favorite entry we ever sent, and i still love this song to death, and think he was severely robbed. it had everything; amazing composition, the unique raspy voice, the big chorus, the power, how simply he sold it, THE END OF THE BRIDGE GIVES ME AN EARGASM EVERY TIME, JUST TEA, like… just sign me up, chills every time)2 - Poland (SPEAKING OF CHILLS. y'all Michał was highkey my winner besides Freddie and the person i voted for that year, i still love the song, and it’s just. no words. this guy is art)3 - Australia (listen… best female vocals. like if you think that performance wasn’t impressive as fuck then i don’t know what to tell you. still the one time Australia did it REALLY well imo. my jaw drops every time)4 - Russia (Sergey can slay me with those epic visuals and that BOP any time)5 - Ukraine (i was very very happy to see Jamala win, completely deserved and she has all my respect to tell you the truth, so 5th doesn’t mean it wasn’t my favorite it all, I JUST LOVED SO MANY THIS YEAR)6 - Bulgaria (i aggressively love Poli and her song, like, jesus christ, why is Bulgaria always amazing?? what a wonderful comeback)7 - Latvia (another strong, powerful male vocal and honestly i still love this song sooooo much)8 - Cyprus (i’m always here for rock music, like… let’s be real, this was a TUNE)9 - Sweden (jkdjhjgkdfh i hate that i love it, but i do. it was so simple, but so chill, so catchy, i just can’t put it lower, sorry not sorry)10 - France (Amir reminded me of Sebalter in the way that his smile and happiness made me smile, too. the song was amazing with the French parts, and very chill and fun with the English chorus)