#but rn i still don't get why people judge her for all that when she's never done it in her life

[spoofymcgee]

people are like 'oh thirteen is so emotionally closed off and never talks about her past'

like the doctor ever has?

like eleven mentioned rose or martha or donna or the master even once?

clara already knew everything about the doctor but if he ever mentions regeneration or gallifrey or his previous companions or explains missy to bill then i don't remember it

martha and rose knew about each other and donna knew about both of them because they were intertwined in all of ten's seasons and kept reappearing and his era is like. comparatively short? like he has seven years. that's it. but still, he doesn't talk about jack, he doesn't talk about the time war or gallifrey or the master unless and until he absolutely has to

the doctor knows what they were like with and without their memories, charging straight into a new situation right after losing their last companion. they did that with martha and the whole point of the season is that it doesn't work. they can't do it. they can't move from one person to the next that quickly.

(amy and rory to clara doesn't count because clara was there before, donna to amy and rory doesn't count because there was time there in the specials before they regenerated)

they also know what they're like without that. they know there's a difference between how they were with bill, with all the memories of clara surgically removed and distanced, between how they are with enough time to grieve and then move on.

but she doesn't have time. thirteen lands and immediately makes new friends and starts traveling with them and they're fresh off losing bill, maybe two days before, and they don't have the time, and they don't want to replace her because that's not fair to her or to ryan yaz and graham, but the memories and the grief and the fault are there and not going anywhere.

so they jump between people and guns and talk fast and desperate and pleading instead of grand and sweeping and arrogant and they try to convince ryan and yaz and graham to stay instead of asking them along. and she doesn't focus on the past and she lives in the moment because they aren't ready to move on but they don't have a choice.

and yeah, they make it a plot point, and yeah she's forced to confront her past anyway and that's the point and maybe she should share that with her companions and rely on them instead of hiding it.

but it's hard to ask for help, and it's hard to let people know you're hurting and be honest with them. and the last times she got her companions involved with the master it ended horribly. so, you know, i think it makes sense.

[moonchildstyles]

have you thought about revisiting that anon concept about asterry and his girlfriend watching p*rn? I'm asking for a friend hehe

wordcount: 9.8k+

—————

(Y/N) blinked, staying silent as she took in the conversation around her. This was definitely not the avenue she saw the night taking when Charlotte had opened the second bottle of wine between the few of them. 

"I asked him if he still watched it a lot, like as much as he did before we started dating, but he wouldn't really say no," Emily shared before taking a pull from her wine glass, "He didn't say yes, but all he said was that its different now, don't worry. What is that even supposed to mean? Like, do you watch porn when I go to sleep, yes or no?" 

Charlotte and Sarah both laughed, joining Emily as she smiled around the rim of her wine glass. (Y/N) wanted to laugh along, but she was honestly still a bit thrown off by the topic. 

Truthfully, she didn't know really much about anything that had to do with... pornography. The closest she had were the scenes some of her romantic novels had, and movies that had her adverting her eyes.

Not only was the act of sex demonized growing up—especially before marriage—but anything else that had to do with it. There was no way she was going to risk doing any of her own research should her parents' close monitoring catch even a stray google search. 

After getting out from under their thumb, she didn't have much desire to go looking on that corner of the internet—she had done fine enough up to this point, she figured. Then, of course, she met Harry and there really seemed to be no need for any kind of video when she had him in the flesh.

(Y/N) honestly wondered if she had ever even spoken the word porn aloud, let alone discussed it with anyone else. This conversation was especially jarring given all of the giggling and the unfiltered language. 

"Em," Charlotte piped up, bringing her wine glass to her mouth to cover the wry grin growing on her face, "Have you ever tried watching it with him, though?" 

Feeling her cheeks warming, (Y/N) practically sunk into her skin as if to hide from the conversation. Sarah had mimicked her surprise some, though she was decidedly less shocked into silence. 

"Charlotte!" Sarah bubbled, dark brows raised, "Is that what you do?" 

Another peal of laughter came from the wine-soaked group, though (Y/N)'s reaction was more to fit in with the theatrics. (When it came to topics like these, she didn't want to be quiet even if she wasn't necessarily talkative—being too silent left people wondering if she was uninterested, judging them, and invited questions she wasn't looking to answer). 

She had always figured the viewing of those kinds of videos to be something that was done alone. She couldn't fathom anyone joining in and watching alongside what should be a particularly intimate moment. (Besides, if you had someone to watch them with, why watch them at all when you could be with that person?). 

Charlotte hesitated for a moment, opening her mouth before closing it. Emily nudged her at her side, a mischievous smile on her face. 

"C'mon, spit it out." 

Finally, Charlotte threw her hands up in surrender. "It's honestly not that bad, and I think you should try it." 

"So, you have done it!" Sarah called, bouncing in her spot on the couch, "With Elijah or?" 

"With Elijah, yeah," she settled, the wine getting to her tongue as she didn't mind sharing more details, "I walked in on him one time, and I wanted to be grossed out, but I just wasn't. It ended up working out, and now it's just a thing sometimes." 

Charlotte's ending shrug before taking down a gulp of wine showed the end of her story, though Emily still nudged her as if there was more she could shake out. 

"I don't know if I could do that," Sarah admitted, crossing her legs underneath herself, "I think it would annoy me too much, that Mitch was watching a video like that when he could have just called me or something." 

(Y/N) rolled her lips between her teeth as the conversation then changed, some debate on if videos like that were allowed in relationships. 

She didn't know what she would do if she walked in on Harry watching something like that. While she couldn't really deny that she enjoyed the sight of him playing with himself (something she's shyly learned every time Harry passed his fist over himself before sinking into one of her holes), she wasn't sure what she would think about the inspiration behind the act. There was a part of her that would be offended, she thought, that she was right there and he picked a video over the real thing. Another part of her understood that maybe he wouldn't want to have sex right then, instead opting to take care of himself before moving on. Besides, it wasn't like he had photos of her to look at in the heat of the moment, so she figured she would have to understand. 

There was no use in being jealous of girls in movies anyway. Even if it did kind of hurt her stomach thinking about Harry reacting to them the same way he did to her. 

Around her the conversation had floated elsewhere leaving behind the illicit subject matter for something lighter (a movie Emily had gone to the theater to hate watch only to end up liking it some, and now she was questioning her taste level). She was able to plug into this one much better, that much was evident in the way Sarah had quit giving her small glances as if she knew that (Y/N)'s comfort was twisting. 

Despite now adding her own takes to the conversation and actively engaging outside of a few well placed laughs and head nods, the back of her mind was lagging behind. 

There were questions rattling around that she was sure she wasn't going to be able to keep completely under wraps the next time she saw Harry. 

—————

(Y/N) watched as Harry climbed into bed beside her, comforter pulled up to her chin as she sunk into the warm mattress. He gave her a lopsided smile when he caught her following gaze, her skin warming as she averted her eyes. 

Cuddling in beside her, Harry pulled her close with an arm around her waist, his ankle hooking around hers. She could feel his eyes on her, but when she didn't immediately match his gaze she heard a plume of laughter fall from him, 

"Why won't y'look at me, love?" he smiled, reaching his hand on her waist through the duvet to brush her hair out of her face. 

She shyly kept her eyes on the column of his tattooed throat, following the thorny roses. "You caught me." 

(Y/N) could feel the fan of his laughter as much as she heard it. His hand settled on her cheek then, his fingertips venturing into the baby hairs bordering her hairline. "Yeah, but y'catch me looking at you all the time," he countered, "Jus' lets me know y'like what y'see." 

Using his hand on her cheek, he angled her face towards him once more, forcing her eyes to meet his own. A small smile graced his features, his eyes light with amusement. Tipping his chin just right, he pressed his lips to hers in a delicate kiss. 

When he pulled away his smile had grown, dimples now touching his cheeks as he ran the pad of his thumb over the height of her cheekbone. "Did you have fun tonight, baby?" 

Their dinner date splashed through her head, along with all of the warm feelings she went through while under the dimmed lights. They swapped bites of food, shared a cocktail (Y/N) really wanted to try but was worried it would be too strong, and Harry pulled out any joke he could in hopes of hearing her bubbling laughter through the restaurant. 

Nodding her head against the pillow, her own smile took her features, leaving her cheeks mushed between Harry's hand and the soft of her pillow. "A lot of fun. Thank you for taking me." 

His hand slipped down the slope of her form, settling on the sup of her waist before he gave a gentle squeeze. When (Y/N) reacted with a bubble of laughter, Harry's eyes swam with adoration. 

"I had fun too, baby," he crooned, "Thank you for coming with me." 

With the low lights and the gentle way he spoke to her, (Y/N) felt like she was supposed to be tired. It was kind of her thing, anyway—being sleepy and decidedly ready to pass out whenever. But, that just didn't seem to be the case tonight, her head was too full.

When she had come to his place after class, Harry greeting her at the door, there was a pinging question in the back of her mind that made an abrupt return from the previous night. As much as she wanted to blurt it out, get the curiosity out of the way, it didn't feel entirely appropriate to ask her boyfriend about his porn habits just after walking through the door. That much was made even more apparent given the fact that Mitch greeted her a few minutes later, trekking from his room to the kitchen with a small wave. Then, Harry had told her he had plans to take her out to dinner that night, and there was no way she was asking such a question in the middle of a restaurant. 

There was never good time it seemed, to sate her curiosity and learn her own perspective on what her friends had been talking about. No time better than right now, anyway.

She just had to find some kind of courage to go along with the timing. 

Shuffling closer, the sheets shifting around them, Harry pressed a small kiss to her forehead, right over a crease she hadn't realized was scrunching the skin. "What's going on in here?" he cooed, "You're thinking too hard before bedtime, love." 

"I just—" she bubbled off before stopping her tongue. She swallowed, a pinch appearing between her brows. "There was something... I don't know." 

There were no words that felt comfortable in her mouth, nothing that she could feasibly hear herself saying when it came to the questions she had. (Honestly, she couldn't understand how she was able to utter some of the things she did for Harry between the sheets and now shy away over pornography). 

His hand on her waist was a stern anchor, the grip just tight enough to remind her that he was there. "'S alright, y'can tell me. What is it?" 

Gone was the amusement and the soft teasing he had offered up to her before, instead his voice growing soft and forgiving. Patience now settled in his eyes as he waited on her. 

Dropping her own gaze to dance around his features, she distracted herself with the spray of fine freckles on his nose. "The girls last night, they said something that I've just been... thinking about I guess." 

The warmth of his gaze traced over her own features. "What was it? It wasn't anything rude, right?" 

"No, no, no," (Y/N) rushed out, matching his gaze to show her sincerity. All of those girls were her friends, and Sarah would also never let anything like that happen around her. "It was—I don't know, it feels weird to say it." 

Harry's expression relaxed now that he knew he wasn't there to be nursing any wounds. "We've said a lot of weird stuff to one another, baby. I think I can handle it." 

She couldn't look him in the eye when she tried to speak again, instead dropping back to the tattooed skin of his neck. Her hands between them reached to take his shirt between her fingers, the faded graphic on the material distracting her just enough. 

"They were talking about porn." Her heartbeat sounded in her ears. "With their boyfriends." 

There was a pause, though (Y/N) could feel his unwavering eyes on her face. 

"Okay," he finally shared, the syllable slow as it dropped from his tongue, "That's what's been on your mind?" 

Folding her bottom lip between her teeth, she tried to find the next set of words that made sense. "I-I have questions. I think." 

Harry's expression broke into a soft smile she could hear through the delicate huff of laughter he let out. "You think?" 

Peeking up at him through her lashes, she saw his eyes bare of liner, the planes of his face relaxed and rounded, and his hair pushed away from his face leaving it all on display. He didn't look at all bothered by her avenue of conversation, leaving him to be the always open book he was for her, willing and ready to answer anything she needed. 

"Yeah," she said, settling into her skin some, "I knew what they were talking about, but I don't think I really understand it all. I thought I could ask you, if it wasn't weird." 

"Never weird, love," Harry shared, "You know 'm always here to answer anything y'need help with." 

(Y/N) blinked, tipping her chin in a short nod. "Okay, but if there's anything you don't want to answer, you don't have to." 

"'M sure I can answer ever—" 

"Do you watch porn?"

Practically cringing at the sound of her voice wrapped around that question and the fact she spoke it aloud right to Harry, (Y/N) wanted to curl up in hopes of disappearing. 

"Sorry," she started, her voice barely a peep, "I didn't mean to cut you off." 

Harry looked at her for a lingering moment, his brows raised high over his eyes before he melted some. An amused smile sat on his lips, a small puff of laughter exhaling from his lungs. "'S alright," he offered, his hand on her waist squeezing just enough, "Not what I was expecting, but 's okay.

"To answer your question," he drawled, "No, I don't—not since you, really. No need to when I've got my own pretty star, huh?" 

His lips molded into a teasing smile, but lopsided as he pressed forward hoping to catch a small grin from her. 

Keeping her shy gaze dropped, (Y/N) couldn't keep her lips from curling. There was a bit of pride from the flattery; he didn't need any videos when he had her instead. She was enough to satisfy him, and that was a nice thought even if it was a bit in the gutter. 

Spotting her shy smile, Harry let out a plume of laughter before he dropped a kiss to the tip of her nose. Knowing him, he probably already knew what was going on in her head, even if she didn't say it aloud. 

"Is that all y'wanted to know, my love?" 

Her fingers in his shirt curled just a bit more, as if she were bracing herself for this next string. "One of the girls, she said something about her and her boyfriend... watching it together," (Y/N) prattled, her voice growing smaller the more she went on, "Is that normal?"

Harry lagged in his response, taking his time with his fingers fiddling with a pulsing pattern on her waist. "It can be," he offered, "but, 's not for everyone. I've never really talked about that with anyone, but I would imagine it could make people feel closer—sharing something that's usually only done by yourself."

(Y/N) silently nodded her head, taking in his offered information. Truthfully, she wanted to stall, find another inconsequential question to stall him before she was left with the last curiosity she'd had burning in the back of her head. 

The avenue she landed on was barely any less humiliating, but it was easy to fall from her tongue than the other she'd had on deck. She still couldn't meet his eyes as she spoke, bubbling off the question before she could second guess herself. 

"Is that something you would want to try? Like, watching it together and all." 

Skating his hand over the curves of her form, Harry tipped her chin up. Their eyes matching, (Y/N) could see the way he scanned over her features the way he always did when he was attempting to decipher where she was coming from. The lines of his features were softened, rounding into soft curves and gentling the longer her gazed at her.

"Is that something you want to try?" 

Flounder under his pressing, (Y/N) understood what he was going for—she was too shy to explicitly voice all of her wants, so he had to fill in the gaps at times—but was still taken aback none the less. Of course the thought had crossed her mind since the previous night, about what it would be like to sit with Harry and watch a different kind of movie than she usually watched with him, but the idea wasn't exactly the most compelling. 

She wasn't sure if she could really handle watching him watch someone else, and potentially become more turned on than he had even been with her. Nonetheless, she had never actually watched any porn herself, and she wasn't sure if she really had any real inclination to change that. 

But, there was something to be said about the way Harry had described the act: sharing someone to vulnerable, that is usually kept private, with someone you trust. He had a way of making these scenes sound much more romantic than the semantics did. 

"I don't know," she settled on, aware of the intensity in his eyes as he watched her, "I've never really watched anything like that, so I don't think I really understand what that would mean." 

Almost imperceptible, (Y/N) was able to catch the way his brows raised just enough. "Really?" 

Tipping her head in an almost shrug between the sheets, (Y/N) pursed her lips. "It was one of those things, you know." 

That was enough of an explanation to Harry; he knew her growing years and the drilled in obedience that followed her even after leaving home. Despite curiosity, there was no way she would have had the confidence to even make a search, that he knew.

A small curve settled on his lips, patience and understanding sitting in his eyes. "Guess that makes sense then, hm?" 

"Just add it to the list," (Y/N) joked back, a small huff of laughter falling from her lips. 

His hand on her jawline that he had used to tip her face towards him now angled itself towards the curve of her throat. His palm was warm and agnate over her skin, the pad of his thumb stretching to rest on the hinge of her jaw. "Is it something you want to know more about?" 

"Kind of," she answered honestly, sinking into the fluff of the pillow under her head, "But...Really, I think I only care about what y-you like and all of that." 

It was one of the harder admissions, (Y/N) feeling as if she were asking a bit too much into his personal thoughts. If he wanted to share that part of himself, he would have already, she figured. 

The warmth of his thumb on her cheek expanded as he pet a small trail down to the line of her jaw. "I don't really watch it anymore, love, remember?" 

"Yeah, but," she started, resisting the urge to pin her bottom lip between her teeth, "What about before?" 

When Harry paused, (Y/N)'s fingers in her shirt pulsed in an anxious curl. 

"But, you don't have to answer if you don't want to," she quickly attempted to recover, replaying her words and just how pushy they may have come off.

The amused laughter that fell from his lips was enough to reassure her that she hadn't bothered him too much. "'S alright, baby," he murmured, "I was jus' thinking." 

When he didn't immediately offer any extra information, she couldn't help herself—her curiosity was so close to gaining all the answers she needed, she didn't want it to stop now. 

"About what?" she mumbled, watching intently as he just kept thinking.

Only one side of his mouth curled upwards, his smile going lopsided. "If I should tell you, or show you." 

Now, (Y/N) had no choice but to fall silent around her dry throat. Show her?

Harry let out a small laugh at her reaction, unable to hold himself back before he was pressing a gentle kiss to the bridge of her nose between her wide eyes. 

"I take it that I should probably jus' tell you, huh?" he joked, pulling away with a brilliant smile on his lips to match the bright lilypad of his irises. 

Swallowing around her dry throat, (Y/N) spoke up, "Y-You could show me. If you think that would be easier." 

Though the request itself wasn't made with much confidence, she still was surprised it even made its way out of her mouth. Two birds with one stone, she figured, she'd finally see what it—porn—was all about, and learn something new about Harry. 

That was what she was telling herself anyway. 

Raising a single brow over his intense gaze, Harry took in her reaction. "We could do that," he mused, "But, I don't want to do that if it would make y'uncomfortable, love. It can be a bit... much, especially if you have nothing to compare it to." 

Rolling her lips between her teeth, she allowed her gaze to trace along the line of the single stray curl that rested against his temple. "I think I can handle it," she told him, her voice small as she avoided his eyes. 

Shifting his hand on her neck, Harry brought his palm to rest on her cheek. The pad of his thumb ran along the fragile skin under her eyes. "You are brave, aren't you." 

"I try," she murmured, shy smile evident in her voice. 

She could practically see the gears turning in Harry's head, his eyes flashing with just a glint of something she couldn't name. She was hyper aware of his hand once again gliding over her skin until he was carding his fingers through her hair to rest his palm on the back of her head. She matched her gaze to his bashfully. 

"Are you tired, or do y'think y'can stay up a little while longer with me?"

With a flutter of her lashes, and her heart mimicking the act, (Y/N) tugged herself that much closer to him between the sheets. 

"I can stay awake."  His lips turned into a lopsided smile, a single dimple denting his cheek as he gazed at her. (Y/N) could only tip her chin just so when he surged forward, pressing their lips together in a warming kiss. While it was chaste, there was an urgency behind it that she could feel before he pulled away. 

"Lay the other way for me, baby," he instructed with a jerk of his chin, "I need to grab m'phone." When (Y/N) didn't immediately turn to press her back to his chest, Harry lagged, keeping from reaching for his phone on the bedside. "What's wrong, hm?" 

"I don't get to see you?" (Y/N) murmured, barely keeping the whine out of her voice. She preferred seeing his eyes over everything else, knowing that it was him that was touching her. 

A soft hum of laughter fell from his lips. "'S just gonna be a little bit easier this way, love, that's all. I'll still be right here." 

"'Kay," she answered, though she didn't follow his instruction until he pressed another kiss to her puckered lips. 

With that, Harry reached to the bedside table where his phone was resting while (Y/N) twisted in the sheets to lay on her side with her back to his chest. The duvet folded, leaving her arm and back exposed to the chill while Harry took longer than a few moments to do whatever it is he was doing on his phone. 

She could hear the faint taps of his finger against the screen, scrolling and typing before he eventually curled around her. Harry conformed to the shape of her, his sweatpants-clad legs tangling with her bare ones with his arm hooking around her waist to position his phone before the two of them. He shifted the pillow under his head until she could feel the plume of his breath grazing the column of her throat, warm though it still elicited goosebumps to erupt over her skin. 

(Y/N) could feel her heart bubbling in her chest when she dared to peek at what was on his bright screen. Though there was nothing explicit or exposing on the screen, she was sure they weren't too far off with the dark color scheme of the site he had brought up. 

"Are you sure, love?" he murmured, his lips close to her ear, "We don't have to do this if y'don't want to. It can be a lot right away, and I don't want to scare you." 

Folding her bottom lip between her teeth, (Y/N) allowed his words to roll around her head. She wasn't completely naive—she could imagine what the videos would look like, though she doubted it would look or feel the same as it did when she was underneath Harry. But, his earlier definition still stuck with her: this was a small vulnerability he was sharing with her. This is something he would normally have kept so private, but he was willing to bring her in and share something so different with her. 

She could be brave—she could keep her curiosity burning enough to keep from feeling any kind of anxiety. 

"I'm sure," she mumbled, "Thank you." 

Dropping a kiss to her shoulder, Harry hugged her to his chest for a lingering moment. "You tell me if y'change your mind, darling." 

"I will," she assured, despite his words being more of a statement than request. 

Reaching over her, Harry grabbed for his phone and began tapping at the screen. The brightness had lowered from disuse, but was brought back to life from his touch, leaving every frame illuminated once more. Snuggled against his back, (Y/N) watched, her eyes widened once the reality of the site was scrolled through. 

There was already a video pulled up on screen, showing what exactly took him so long to tap through his phone before. (Y/N) blinked, trying to decipher what was in the thumbnail before her. 

From the small snippet she could see—along with the attention grabbing, all caps title—this was a loving couple having morning sex on a Saturday to the sunrise. Very romantic and loving, supposedly. In the picture, she could see the beginnings of a sunrise through a conveniently, perfectly lit bedroom. There were gauzy drapes over their open windows and pristine white linens on their bed—even the creases and folds were artfully tufted around their bodies. (Y/N) couldn't be sure if they were just that perfect, or this was an expertly produced video. She couldn't tell the difference. 

The pair was barely clothed, their faces cut out of frame, leaving their bodies to be the star of the show. The man had tattoos—no where near as many as Harry, but still quite an array. He was undressed down his briefs, where there was a bulge that could be clearly seen against the woman's stomach. She was made of smooth swathes of skin, the ends of her hair visible as it brushed her bare skin before disappearing out of frame, and her chest bare. All (Y/N) could see that was distinctive about her form, was a small tattoo on her thigh in the shape of a red heart outline, contrasting against the white cotton panties sitting on her hips. Their limbs were in a tangle with one another, legs crossed and arms holding one another.

From behind, she could feel the brush of Harry's lips against her throat. "Does this look okay?" 

(Y/N) gave her approval in a small nod of her head, her hair brushing against her pillow. "Have you watched this before?" 

She could hear the curl of his lips in his voice as his words swept across the back of her neck. "A few times, yeah." 

As he spoke, Harry's thumb tapped on the video, pressing play and starting it up. She watched as the frames took over the screen, showing the humble beginnings of the film with the woman crawling over the bedsheets to reach her lover where he was laid back against the pillows. The soft sound of their lips meeting could be heard off screen. 

"W-When?" she asked, her line of questioning a safe distraction from what was going on in front of her. 

The soft sounds of their mouths coming together and parting filtered quietly from his phone. Were they that loud when they kissed too? 

"Not for a while," he reminded her, though his voice dropped lower into a whisper just for her when he spoke again, "Watched it for the first time after that night in my office at the shop though, I remember that." 

"You do?" Her skin warmed at the reminder of that first night—all of the things she learned that night while sprawled out on that couch. 

On video, the man had gripped the woman's hips and settled her atop him from the position she had previously held on all fours. The length of their bodies were pressed together, their faces still just perfectly out of frame to keep everything anonymous. Their kissing had turned rougher, a bit noisier as they sunk into one another. The sun outside their window was casting luminous glares over the scene, giving buttery warmth to their escalating acts. 

Harry's hand on her waist squeezed as he watched. "Yeah," Harry breathed, a heavy kiss landing on the back of her neck, "I couldn't stop thinking about you, and I saw this video and... she kind of looks like you, doesn't she?"

(Y/N)'s breath caught in her throat. There was a moment as the woman moved, her body on display against the heavy tattoos of her partner that had her seeing them in just the right light. 

Cotton panties, bare skin, delicate tattoo, all wrapped in white with the slow sharing of kisses between she and her lover. (Y/N) could see herself in that. 

It was an exhilarating feeling knowing that Harry saw someone so effortlessly sexy, and could see (Y/N) in them. 

She pressed herself against him that much more, her back against his chest. His hand on her waist tightened, as if preparing to keep her just where she was should someone try to steal her away. She could feel the fan of his breath fluttering over her skin as she watched his phone. 

The acts between the couple escalated until the camera caught the way the woman ran her hand down the man's body until she had reached his cock. Her palm was pressed against the bulge, rubbing against it through the fabric of his underwear. He moaned unabashedly off screen, whispering something for only his lover to hear. (Y/N)'s lungs squeezed when she saw the way the dots of wetness seeped over the grey underwear covering him. 

"Wh-What else do you like about this video?" (Y/N) murmured, shifting so her hand was laid over his own on her waist, their fingers tangling together. 

A breathy laugh could be heard from behind her. Harry's voice was just as low as he spoke, "Do y'really want me to talk through the whole thing?" 

"I like hearing you more," she admitted, squeezing his hand in hers. 

A delicate kiss was dropped to her shoulder, the curl of his smile evident in the small contact. "Well, other than her reminding me of my angel," he drawled, a tease to his tone, "'S different than some of the things I used to watch. I liked seeing something gentle." 

(Y/N)'s throat bobbed as she swallowed around her dry throat. Before her, the videoed couple had now moved on to sliding their hands into each other's underwear. The man's face was buried in his lover's neck, showing off a head of dark hair as his moans filtering through the small speakers. The woman's whimpering noises could be heard in tandem with the slick sounds of their hands roaming each other's bodies. 

"What was the other stuff you watched?" Absently, (Y/N) was aware of the way her hips shifted some, rubbing her backside against Harry's front. Behind her, against the curve of her bottom, she could feel something much more rigid than the blocks of his muscle beginning to press into her.

He paused before he spoke, mulling over her question while she watched on screen as the few pieces of clothing covering the couple's bodies were shed. Harry's hand on her waist shifted, leaving her own behind as he pressed his palm into the soft of her stomach. She could feel the pressure of his fingertips on her plush skin just as much as she could see the man on screen press against his lover's thigh in the same way. 

"'Member m'birthday?" he murmured into her skin, his mouth beginning a blazing trail over her shoulder. The tip of his nose caught on the neck of her top, pulling it along with him as he kissed the cuff of her shoulder. 

For a split moment, there was a different movie playing for (Y/N). This one featured she and Harry as the stars, celebrating his birthday between the sheets with his cock sinking into her throat, his palm smacking over her center, and his cum painting over her face. She wondered if he could feel the way her stomach tightened under his hand at the memories. 

"Yeah," she answered simply, the word carried on a warm breath. 

He hummed from behind her, a smug curl on his lips pressing into her shoulder. "Things like that, baby," he explained, "But I started watching things like this after I met you." 

The couple on screen was beginning to find the throes of their passion, now both bare bodied and reaching for one another. There was a part of (Y/N) that wanted to shy away at the sight of two strangers and their naked bodies, their recording of an intimate moment not sitting right in her stomach. There was another part of her that imagined Harry sitting down, pants to his thighs and his hand in his lap, picturing she and him in these spots instead as he fisted his cock. That part of her kept her from drawing her eyes away, urging her to see what he did—see what held his attention while waiting for her to be ready for more than easy touching and kisses in his bedroom.

Her mouth felt dry when she tried to speak again, only to be cut off when Harry's palm grazed the waist of her panties. Though she was still only feeling his touch through her shirt, she was sure he could feel the extra groove of fabric and the tightening of her abdomen. Only that much further, and he could fit his hand between her legs just like the man on screen was doing to his own lover. 

"Wh-Why?" she asked, building off of his previous response to keep herself from melting and begging for him to touch her when they had barely just started. 

Hooking his ankle around hers, Harry started pulling her that much more into his embrace. The sheets around them hissed over their bodies, his phone wobbling from its upright position against the pillow though it didn't fall. He pushed his thigh between her own, opening up her legs with the hem of her oversized shirt being pushed up and over her thighs. 

"I liked the idea of going slow, after I met you, love," he detailed, no longer playing around when he finally slid his hand over her form and slipped it under the end of her top, "Didn't really get off on the thought of fucking you as much as I did to kissing you and making y'happy." 

(Y/N) all but melted at his explanation. She reveled in the sound of his voice, mixing with the soft sound of the couple on screen finding their own bliss within one another. Through her hooded gaze, it was easy to see the lovers on his phone as she and Harry, the daydream building around her. 

In a tug back down to earth, (Y/N)'s breath caught when Harry fit his hand between her thighs. His wandering touch had finally reached her, pressing the heel of his palm against her clit and the length of his fingers down her center. She was sure he could feel the heat that had collected there, though she hoped she hadn't completely soaked through her underwear that quickly. 

"Y'like it so far?" he asked, pressing his palm that much harder against her clit. 

"Uh-huh," she breathlessly replied. Her hooded eyes were glued to the sight of the way the man positioned himself above her, thighs open for him to fit between. She could hear him murmur something to her, passing a hand over her form with fingertips skating across her breasts and down to the round of her hips. Every touch was careful and clinging, the sound of their kissing soundtracking the moment. "He reminds me of you." 

He hummed from behind her, his hand beginning to shift over her core in a delicate press to draw away her breath. "Yeah?" 

"Yeah," she answered, eyes stitched to the video as the man sunk his cock into his lover, a shrill whine leaving her lips while he settled against her hips. His tattoos quivered as his muscles flexed under his skin, making the stars and constellations inked over his skin dance. "You're better, but," (Y/N) swallowed, hearing the quiet slap of his skin against the woman's as he thrusted against her, "He touches her like you touch me." 

Harry's response came in the form of languid touches that warmed her skin and kept her breathless even when her eyes closed and the video was an afterthought. Underneath her, he fit his free arm to coil around her form. His thigh between her two tensed, lifting just enough so he could spread her own legs enough to give her what she wanted. 

Hooking his fingers into her panties, he pulled them to the side, a cool shiver going up (Y/N)'s spine now that she was exposed to his touch. He dragged his fingertips through her slit, collecting the drops of slick until he circled around her clit in languorous pulls. 

She had never been so thankful for the stretched out neckline of her top as she was then, when she felt Harry's heavy kisses searing into her bare skin. There was so much of him all over, pressing into her back with his cock hard against her, his kiss on her shoulder, and his hand on her core, pulling more and more air out of her lungs. 

"You know how many times I thought about doing that to you, baby?" he drawled into her skin, syrupy and thick into her pores, "Before y'were ready, this was all I had. Had to picture you letting me spread you out like that, feel how wet you were jus' for me." 

With his hand between her thighs, slick fingertips on her clit before they traveled down towards her pulsing opening, she could have cried for him. She had been depriving him of this, leaving him to only watch videos and imagine, when they could have been doing this so much sooner. She wasn't sure at times—especially at one like this—how she had even made it through without his touch. 

"I'm sorry," she stuttered out for him, her hand grasping at sheets, "Yo-You should have told me." 

A rumble of laughter was felt against her back as much as she heard the sound fan to her ears. "Don't be sorry, lovebug, y'jus' weren't ready yet, that's all. I think we're making up for it jus' fine, don't you?" 

She could only nod her head, forcing her eyes to blink open. It was a task given the fact that she was still luxuriating in the tease of his fingers passing over her entrance before smearing her clit and restarting the circuit. Looking ahead, she had seen that the couple on film was thick in their session, breathless, the man straining himself as he set a controlled pace while thrusting into his partner with the woman grasping and reaching for any part of him she could reach. Watching the way the man's skin turned pink in the wake of her nails made (Y/N) want to do the same to Harry—what would the roses on his chest and the butterfly on his torso look like filled in with a bit of color? 

"I want to see you," she blurted out, unable to hold back anymore. She didn't care much for the movie anymore anyway, he was what she wanted. This video would probably still be there later, they could explore more later, if she really wanted. 

A teasing smile could be heard in his voice, the notion making (Y/N) want to feel embarrassed through she didn't have much room for that given the way she was rutting into his hand. "Y'don't want to keep watching? I thought y'liked it, love? Liked him?" 

"I like you," she countered, already turning in his arms despite the coil of his hold around her, "I want to see you now. You're better." 

He didn't put up any more teasing argument, instead helping her as she twisted and turned in his arms until his phone was forgotten in the tufts of the duvet and she had her lips pressed to his. His and that had been between her legs was now stationed at her hip, his fingertips denting into the plush skin as she melted into him. A sigh of something that felt like relief to (Y/N) slipped from her throat.

Harry parted his lips, swiping his tongue across the seam of her mouth, tasting her noises. Reaching for his bare shoulders, (Y/N) wasn't even thinking before she had the blunt of her nails pressing to his skin, just like the woman in the video. (Who must have been having a good time given the faint noises (Y/N) could still hear among the folds of their bedding). 

She readily opened her mouth for him to slip his tongue inside, eager to get a state of him. He led her through the kiss, pressing his tongue to hers and tasting through every delicate moan and breathy exhale she gave. 

This was definitely better than watching a video. 

"Harry," she mumbled into his kiss, barely enunciating before she was urging to press her lips to his once more. 

He smiled against her mouth, allowing a small slew of her excited kisses to hit him before he pulled away enough to meet her eyes. His pupils were wide and dark, leaving only slices of murky green to ring around them. There was a flush over his cheeks, warm and red that matched the hue of his kiss-swollen lips. She couldn't help her eyes but to follow the tip of his tongue as it peeked out to wet his lips. 

"What do y'want from me love?" 

Her answer was automatic: "You." 

(Y/N)'s gaze was drawn to the dimple that was thumbed into his cheek as a lopsided curl took his lips. "I know," he said, much too smug, "But do y'want me to keep touching you? Or do y'want more, love? Gotta tell me or I can't help you."

Her mind flashed to the vision of the man fitting his hips against his lover's like a puzzle piece, sinking inside her and straining his muscles to making the best pace for her. That was what (Y/N) wanted. 

"I want more," she told him, her voice a whisper between just the two of them, "Like the video."

Harry drew closer towards he, his smile fading as the blunt of his teeth sunk into his bottom lip. "I can do that for you, baby. Do you think you're ready for me, or do y'need a little more?" 

She shook her head on instinct. "I'm ready." 

Tipping his chin, Harry pulled her into another languid kiss with his tongue touching over her lips. His kiss was a welcome distraction while his hand reached for the waist of her panties underneath the hem of her top. He pushed them down her thighs as far as he could before he was forced to break their kiss to help ease them off the rest of the way. (Y/N) felt clingy for him in that moment, already missing his touch and warmth. It wasn't much longer that he pulled his own underwear off, everything landing into a pile on the floor, before he was laying himself atop her. 

Much like the movie, she swore their hips fit like puzzle pieces together, the bones cushioned by plush skin. She reached for his arms reflexively, though she hadn't meant to grip him so tightly until she felt the head of his cock nudge against her clit. Her lungs squeezed with a coiled ribbon cinching around her stomach. 

Above her, Harry was like an angel. His eyes were bare from his usual liner, though there were still the stark black additions of his nose and lip rings pierced through his face. His skin was flushed and warm, cheeks matching his bright eyes. Around his features, his curls hung around in waved strands and curled ringlets. It wasn't the first time she had seen him like this and wondered if he was the true angel between the two. 

"Still feel good, love?" he asked, his hands fisted into anchors on either side of her head. 

Matching the intensity of his eye contact, (Y/N) kept herself from shrugging her hips against his own, wanting of feel along heavy brush of his cock against her center. "Uh-huh," she sounded, throat dry, "Please."

 Only a glimpse of his smile could be seen before he was dipping down to draw her in for another kiss. He sealed his mouth to hers, kissing her top lip delicately with the soft sounds of their lips parting and coming together to fill the room. 

For a moment, (Y/N) wondered if they would look like that couple if they were on film. If their love, and the gentle touches, and the shared heartspace could be seen just as easily. She liked to think they would do it even better. 

One of his hands on the bed disappeared, the mattress shifting without the weight, before she felt it again over the small of her stomach. It was nothing more than a soft brush before he had his fist wrapped around his cock, guiding himself inside her. The head brushed against her clit in a heavy press; she couldn't tell if she was more wet than she thought or if he had been pearling dots of precum from his tip while she was preoccupied. 

He slid his tip through her folds until he hit the pulsing entrance nestled inside. (Y/N) shivered, letting out small noise into his mouth. She could tell her was becoming distracted, his kiss slowing until he was doing nothing other than focusing on the slid of his cock through her wetness, socking in her until he finally pressed forward. 

It was a familiar stretch, the head fitting inside her, but it still took her breath away. Especially now that their box of condoms was pushed to the back of his bedside drawer, barely used unless she asked, she was able to feel every ridge and vein on his cock. She felt more and more full with every inch pushed inside her, her walls pulling him in while she attempted to keep kissing him before giving up on the act in favor of simply resting her parted lips against his own.

Harry's guiding hand had shifted to lay on her hip, his touch a bit slick though neither of them minded. He was just as lost in the feeling as he was with the way he let out shuddering breaths with stilted lungs, his hand on the other side of her head now holding a tremor. His breath came out in warm fans over her features, heating her that much further. 

He bottomed out with a wet sound of his cock sliding through her walls, his base resting heavy against her clit. (Y/N)'s hold on his arms tightened at the feeling, nails leaving imprints on his skin. 

Her heartbeat bubbled in her ears as she got her bearings, coming to with a flutter of her eyes only to see harry already looking at her with his own hooded gaze. 

"You alright?" he breathed, dilated eyes scanning over her features, "Do y'need me to wait?" 

"No, no," she bubbled off, "Please, daddy." 

That was all he seemingly needed to hear—the whine of her voice and his title so lovingly mentioned—before Harry was rearing his hips back and pressing into her once more. He split her open, her walls stretching and opening for him to fit inside with every languid thrust. The first few took her breath away, getting used to the feeling of the friction and every part of her body being fulfilled by him. 

"Daddy," she helplessly called out, her voice a shared secret for just the two of them. The sheets hissed around them, matching her volume. 

Harry watched her form above as she struggled to keep her eyes from closing. She wanted to see him; this is what she had been wanting when she decided to ditch the movie. She wanted to watch him the way they had watched the couple. 

"'M here, baby. 'M here," he murmured, his voice dropping low as his mouth fell into a gape. "Feel so good, love—fuck." 

Spurred on by his praise, (Y/N) hiked her this over his hip, the heel of her foot pressing into the back of his thigh. Her plush skin gave way to the angles of his body, cushioning him as he drove his hips into hers in lingering passes. His hand on her hip shifted then, dragging her sleep shirt the rest of the way up until her bare breasts were exposed to the heat of the room. 

His palm dragged over the swell, her nipple catching on the creases of his skin. Goosebumps erupted over her form, her lashes fluttering at the touch. Harry dipped his head down, pressing his lips to her other breast, the tip of his nose skimming across before he wrapped his mouth around her nipple. His tongue touched over the bud, warming her though she could feel the skin tightening in response. He matched the pace of his wandering touch on her other breast, allowing her to feel him in every place she needed. 

Almost. 

Feeling the base of his cock press against her clit wasn't enough. She needed more than that fleeting touch against her, more than just the harsh smear over her weeping center. 

"Daddy, I—" she cried out, her words evaporating when she felt him twitch inside her. 

"'S okay," he shushed her, his mouth popping off of her nipple before he dragged his kisses towards her collarbone, "'M here, baby. I'll give y'anything y'want." 

His words were nothing more than smeared rambles, but they sank perfectly into her brain. He was here—he had her. He wasn't a silly video, he was real and she could feel his weight and his touch and even his heartbeat. 

"I want—" she stumbled, her words failing her in the heat of the moment, "I need—Please, touch me." 

"I am touching you, baby," he countered, looking up at her through his lashes before finally leveling his gaze with hers. He hovered above her, his eyes still finding hers even as he jostled her with every thrust into her. "Y'need to tell me what y'want, and then I can help."

"My—It's—"

(Y/N) almost felt panicked, instead reaching for his hand on her breast to push it down to the apex of her thighs. His wrist strained under her hand when he realized when she was directing him towards. That was all the cue he needed before his thumb was smearing over her clit, circling and patting the bud just as she had wanted. 

All but melting into the mattress, the beginnings of a cocky curl fell on his lips. "This was what y'wanted, my love? Coulda jus' told daddy—would have done it for you earlier." 

Maybe it was feeling him splitting her walls open, slick with his precum, his hand on her clit, or the sound of his voice wrapped around his honorific, but (Y/N) could feel the bow in her abdomen tightening. 

She could only whine for him, tightening her fingers around the bones of his wrist as he kept his ministrations up. His skin glimmered in a sheen of sweat, baby curls sticking to his temples as he took care of her just as he promised. 

He caught her looking, matching his eyes to hers when she dared to travel her gaze to his clumped lashes. She expected a curl of his lips, a flash in his eyes, something teasing and smug to enter his expression. Instead, she saw the way his face rounded out, the harsh angles that usually made him up now fading into soft lines and curved edges. 

"I love you," he murmured, "So much, (Y/N). You know that?" 

This was a moment she wished she had on video, exactly from her perspective with every detail memorialized. 

Releasing her hands on his wrist and arm, she settled her palms on his cheeks. Despite the rocking of their forms, the rustling bedsheets, and his phone lost somewhere at seat, (Y/N) almost forgot about everything but his touch. 

"I love you too, honey." 

Something flashed through his gaze then, but it was decidedly softer, more delicate than anything she had ever spotted before. She never called him by many pet names, preferring his name (it was the name of the man she was in love with, she couldn't think of a better thing to call him), but there were moments she thought he might like the extra love falling from her lips.

Harry didn't waste any longer than a beat before he was smearing his lips against hers. The kiss was messy and clumsy, just off center with his tongue swiping out before she was ready, but she loved it. This was what she wanted, what had been on her mind throughout the video. 

He put more of himself into her, his hips picking up pace and his hand on her clit quickening. She felt the press of his chest every time he sank in deep inside her, splitting her walls and making more room for him than she even knew she had. Her insides clenched around him, sucking him deeper every time he sank back inside. The ribbon in her stomach was beginning to fray at the edges, unravelling more and more.

"B-Baby," Harry breathlessly crooned, pulling away just enough so she could hear, "Where do y'want m'cum? 'M al-almost there—fuck." 

She didn't have to think before she was answering him, "Inside, inside. Please, daddy. I want it inside."

There was one more twitch of his cock inside her, his head nudging against what felt like her stomach, before there was nothing left of her to give. The fraying ribbon gave way, spooling too tight inside before falling apart. She shredded around him, feeling like nothing more than glimmering fabric laying in his arms for him to toss and turn whichever way he wanted. She could feel herself grow wetter, Harry's cock slicking through her opening. 

(Y/N) clung to him, her hands on his cheeks keeping him close as she attempted to kiss him through her hazy mind. It was nothing more than her gaped mouth dropped open against his own, nothing more than absent calls of his name falling from her throat. 

Barely, she could hear Harry mumbling a declaration—that he loved her—over and over against her mouth. She felt entirely too full, everything too much, when she realized he was cumming. Just as she had begged, he let go inside her, painting her walls in pumps of his cum that mixed with her own. She wouldn't be surprised to feel the aftermath dripping over her thighs. 

By the time Harry's bedroom came back to fruition around her, (Y/N) wasn't sure if she had been breathing properly since he landed atop her. Everything around her was wispy, not quite real, other than Harry himself. He was a comforting weight, an anchor she clung to. 

Sinking atop her, he rested his cheek on top of her chest. His nose skimmed her throat as he nuzzled closer to her, the length of his lashes tickling her bare chest. 

"Y'alright, love?" he murmured, just as out of breath as she was. 

"Mhm," she hummed, wrapping her arms around him in a clumsy hug, "I love you too, by the way." 

A rumbling laugh fell from his chest. "Love you more." 

With a small kiss being pressed to her sternum, harry began to untangle himself from her hold. He righted her shirt on her torso, covering her chest and keeping out the call that was beginning to seep over their sweat-glimmered skin now that the sheets had slid off of them.

"Where are you going?" she almost whined, reaching for him when he shifted out from between her cushioning hips. 

His smile was tender, affection swimming in his lightening gaze as he looked at her. He brushed a stray hair out of her face, keeping her features clear for his admiration. "We've gotta clean up, love. Can't go to bed like this, can we?" 

Fitting her bottom lip between her teeth, (Y/N) didn't want to answer him. He was right—she needed to use the restroom and find a different pair of underwear for the night, while Harry inevitably searched for new sheets to change the bed into. But she didn't want to do that right now. She didn't want to walk around on wobbly legs, and go through her designated drawer, or anything else. She didn't want to touch anything that wasn't him. 

Instead, (Y/N) clung to him, using her weight to tug him down until he finally relented. Harry gave in with a sigh though he couldn't keep the smile off of his face. 

"Five more minutes, 'kay?" he bargained, cuddling her into him with her face in his throat and chin on the crown of her head. He even tugged the sheet up to blanket their forms once more, keeping her warm before patting her hip through the material.

(Y/N) smiled, pecking a small kiss to his neck. 

"Five more minutes." 

She'd stretch it until ten. 

—————

I finally got around to this request so thank you for everyone bein patient!!!! thank you for reading, sorry for any mistakes and if there's any ideas or requests you have send them in !!!

[wachtelspinat]

Hey ! I’ve been seeing your art going around since your midnight crew stuff and I just recently stubble across your tumblr, thank to your beautiful overwatch art for our beloveds junkers ! I’ve been scrolling through your account and read about your experience of being a former graphic designer who is a doctor now. And damn. I can’t emphasize how much I admire you, especially as someone who is struggling really hard to choose between 2 careers paths ( with one of them being art related ). This is why I was wondering if you would be open to talk about how and why you switched from art to medecine ? Especially because most of the time I feel it happens more the other way around ? ( If it’s too personal just ignore this ask + sorry if you already talked about it before )

hey ! no worries, i don't expect ppl to scroll through my tumblr to find an answer for a question they might have. first of all thanks for your nice words, means a lot <3

i switched from art to medicine because my early 20-something-self was even more anxiety-ridden than my present-self, and being in art school and having to "perform" regularly was a nightmare. i'm talking about a time in which i was so scared of being perceived that i often skipped grocery shopping, just so i could avoid being around people. so like, pitching art related projects to peers and profs was eeh... especially because art is so personal oh my god. i still hate it when someone tries to sneak a peek while i'm drawing, makes me wanna throw my sketchbook and myself off the bridge. anyways so i always felt a 110% inadequate (plus i got a gf during that time who was so good to me and tried to get me out of my funk on multiple occasions (she was and still is an artist and has now a career as a freelancer and i'm rly proud of her) but i couldn't see that because i just compared the two of us all the time and sabotaged any attempt she made for having fun with drawing with her) that i sat down at some point and asked myself if i could do this any longer, and i came to the conclusion that no, it really kills me rn.

what made me go into the health sector? i don't even know anymore, i think it was a mixture of "i loved biology, esp. the human body in school" and "my mum is an icu nurse and talks a lot about hospitals, maybe i should check it out"... it was not a well thought through decision, which is so funny because studying medicine was a hell of a meatgrinder ride (also my anxiety and self hatred? still there, but now i wasn't judged anymore because of my art but instead being called a dumb idiot collectively with all the other students because nobody likes med students) and for some reason i was able to get through that despite it not being my passion at all, but i couldn't stand up for myself in art school. i don't even know if i could work through it nowadays, but the good thing is i don't have to ask myself this question anymore, because being a doctor pays the bills, and ever since i left art school i was able to just draw without consequence. which is nice to a degree, my artistic output is not tied to the means of generating money. on the other hand... idk, in another life with more confidence and less worries, i'd love to be some sort of character designer T_T

so yeah that's basically it. at some times i cherished my career decisions, at other times i regretted them deeply, worst thing is i know it has a lot to do with personality, but the fact that we can't change who we are with a blink of an eye gives me the framework to think that the path i took was ok. as in. things happened for a reason and maybe i'm just not cut out for that kind of work. you have to be aware of the conditions of a job to decide if you are up for it. because being an artist doesn't end with "just draw". i myself had an unrealistic view of the job back then too. and the fact that i could not seperate between personal aspects and "doing a job here" was crucial.

yeah, idk if this is helpful at all. i think the one thing that is super important here is to have a realistic view on the conditions of work you are about to head into, and i know this is mostly very difficult to aquire. because unless you really work in a sector there is often no way to fully grasp the situations you can find yourself in (this applied for me also in the health sector, which made me fall into a depression a year ago, but what do you do after you spent 6 years of studying :') ). doing internships and just trying to get to know a lot of things really helps. and - idk how old you are, but if you're really young: it's ok to switch careers at some point. it's even ok to do so when you are older (trying to end on a positive note here because it feels like i just said a lot of depressing things... like don't get me wrong i like my job, the conditions are just fucked up, and again my personality prevents me from switching again but it's also not that easy in germany, BUT it's a valid thing to do, being versatile is good! just... make sure you don't end up with a job that you absolutely hate because that kills it all)

[toxicanonymity]

BLOG FAQs

WELCOME ABOARD! This blog has amazing readers which makes it a lot of fun. Check your content settings to make sure you can see everything. Heed warnings on fics. UPDATED 4/15/24.

Basics

Tox, she/her. millennial. Blog is 18+.

Do not copy, translate, or repost* my work. Do not put it into AI or make bots of it. Ty for understanding.

*reblogging ( 🔁 button) is encouraged.

As of 4/16/24, I'm still on hiatus from trying to write and read, but my WIPs are not abandoned.

Q: Are Requests open?

A: no, not for new fics. but feel free to send thots, particularly on my stories 💕 if I use it I'll tag you. you can also ask Qs about lore, etc.

Q: Will you write more every inch/left in Lincoln?

A: I plan to. More here. For Every Inch, if you tell me what you liked so far, it might help me. 🩷

Q: When is fic] coming back? How many chapters?

A: IDK, sorry. If I knew I'd tell you. I have to delete asks like this for my sanity. I get overwhelmed. In the future I'm not planning to release things as I go, I'm gonna try to finish everything before posting. Problem is I have a lot of one shot fails / play as I go AUs. We'll see.

Q: Did you read my fic?

A: I'm sure it's good but I'm a slow/bad reader. I'm also overdosed on pedro rn. More here.

Q: AO3

A: Here, not everything is on there but lmk if there's something you'd like me to prioritize as I work on bringing everything over.

Q: Tag list?

A: Please follow @toxicfics, use the person icon to turn on notifications, and use this trick for getting a tab on your dashboard just for your blog subscriptions so you can see what you missed.

Q: Are the fics always dark on this blog?

A: No.

Q: What is the brothel?

A: I HC my characters as living in my brothel which has its own crack sideblog @toxicbrothel and tv show.

Q: What are Joelkémons?

A: Reader-coined term for the Joel variants on this blog. Some listed here: Joelkémon cards.

Q: Can we make your characters into bots?

A: No, please don't do this. It makes me feel bad and they don't even work. Every time it puts me farther away from updating the fic. Please. o not copy, repost, translate, put in IA, or make bots of my work. Please lmk if you ever see my work made into a bot, copied, etc.

Q: Who's night walks!Joel? Who's thighs out?

A: Night Walks is an AU where Joel is your hot, older, creepy pothead neighbor. Night walks masterlist. Thighs out (another AU) is your boyfriend's hot slutty dad.

Q: What's a HOG? Who/what is GILF?

A: Hot Old Guy, from Silence can never be bought pt. 2 and 5. GILF is grandpa I'd Like to Fuck and may refer to the one from Pawn Shop (Joel in his 60s) @gilfjoel.

Q: Who is Dr. Rock?

A: Hot sex therapist who roleplays the different Joelkémons. When people think they need therapy, they get referred to Dr. Rock. Dr. Rock is also the poster boy for avoiding discourse.

Q: Do you still write slashers?

A: Yes. I just wrote my first Thomas Hewitt in March 2024. Main/slashers masterlist.

Q: What other fics & blogs do you rec?

A: Please check out @toxicrecs

Q: How can I stay motivated to write without getting a lot of notes?

A: Please see these posts: here and here.

Q: Why did you unfollow me?

A: As a Tumblr noob, I followed accts all willy nilly--i was impatient to diversify my dash. If we've never interacted, I don't want to feel like a lurker. Or I could've lost (some or all) interest in the fandom. Or I may have forgotten why I followed you, especially if what you're posting has changed. Or I might be wanting to reduce the discourse I see. Or it could be be something like what's described below that I don't want to see. Or rarely a mistake but it's possible.

✨Q: Am I blocked? Why can't I see your main blog from my account? / Did you soft block me? What is going on?

⚠️ A: The most common reasons I block are for policing or judging what others write or post, kink shaming, or spreading harmful rumors. ⚠️

When it comes to rumors and shamers, silence is not a sign of guilt or agreement. It's confidence in the truth and desire to keep harmful takes off the dash. As a rule, I would ignore and block false accusations, rumors, or kink shamers instead of giving them a huge audience by responding or addressing it.

Kink shamers I see in the wild / targeted harassment of writers: blocked. And if a post is bad enough, I may block for any positive interaction with it. I'm removing myself from your dash.

You can get blocked on anon too.

Rarely, there could be a blocking error.

[sobeksewerrat]

HYPERANALYZING/ SCREAMING ABOUT EP.3 COZ IT IS MY FAVOURITE AND I AM REWATCHING IT LET'S GOOOO

Disclaimer: this post is literally just me talking about how much I kin Milly and technically a combined liveblog

Oh look it's one of Taylor's bullies from BWBL!!

Also, what the music freak is this shitty pop song playing in the back ground man I'm-

Why is the school nurse running around like that-

Gotta love how everyone just rushes over to see Milly fight, and that Jake knows exactly who they're talking about (even though they've been friends for like 2 weeks). Really shows how much of a negative-ish reputation Milly has (relatable man)

Fuck Miss Jones man she sucks she can't even break off a fight who hired this bitch.

I really like the fight scene, Luke's animation is kinda wonky but I really miss seeing Kurie's animation!! I really miss the old GL episodes, they were just so much more well-written, and the amount of editing done by Rosy in them is really underrated like they seriously look so good considering how limited GL was.

God, seeing Milly fight for something Zoey stole is really fucking relatable. Like, my bullies always steal my books, my sketchbooks, my pencil case..etc. and I always get in trouble when I try to wrestle them for it. Like, I get yelled at and keep getting told "You're a girl you shouldn't be fighting with anybody!" and all they get for pushing me over the edge is a slap on the wrist, schools are really unfair (and then adults wonder why we don't talk to them about shit).

Dear Rosy Jake is so pathetic he literally gets thrown away by just a punch I'm-

Fuck you Luke

Zoey calling Milly an animal is um, weird, to say the least.

Um, side note, I really forgot how weird Henriam were in the first few episodes- like you could see the basis of their characters as we know them now being established but it's still so weird seeing them like this (also Henry is almost Liam's height in GL which makes me want to die)

Imma just skip over the Miss Jones scene I practically said everything I have to say but before that Drew was too much of a dick in this episode in an unlikeable way like THANK GOD he's barely in this one and seeing Lia flirting with Jake feels very wrong for some reason. Still love her GL outfit though <33

Wow Hailey I am so glad to know you care more about the competition than Milly <444/sarcasm

FUCKING HYPOCRITE- (jk I love GL era Hailey <44)

Seeing the club pressuring Milly to talk speaks to me on a weirdly personal level. Everyone wants me to talk about my feelings, but have you ever considered that I don't want to talk about them? That I am still not comfortable enough to let you in? To let you see that I am vulnerable? To actually confront the fact that I am not okay? I know the music club and the ppl ik irl genuinely mean well, but sometimes people aren't willing to talk, and you should respect that. Sometimes, just being there to keep us company and not judge us is enough, yk?

Side note: can really relate to Milly's reflex of hitting people when they get too close, I literally have to stop myself from punching my own mother whenever she grabs my arm or something I fucking hate being touched and I like the nice detail of Zander smiling when he found out who punched Jake.

Honestly, fuck Zander man. I joked about Hailey not caring about Milly's feelings, about Zander straight up doesn't care.

He is a straight up reminder of my one of my bullies and all the adults in my life. Fuck you Zander.

"Does the band mean nothing to you?"

DO MILLY'S FEELINGS MEAN NOTHING TO YOU ZANDER?!?

[Cries in this is super relatable]

"Great...she's on a rampage again"

Um...so, the girl being on the verge of a breakdown and being understandably angry at her bullies and her friends being extremely inconsiderate is considered being on a rampage? Damn, Sean, why do people even like you man.

So...you WANT to have control over her?? Idk man I am really mad at zander rn

"We can deal with whatever's bothering you, together!"

"Milly, I'm worried about you."

I already elaborated on this point but I just want to talk about how much I love Hailey in the first 4 episodes she was literally an awesome queen what happened to her 😭

God I love Redemption so fucking much it is literally the best song and musical scene in TMF /gen

Love the foreshadowing to Lia's redemption in the scene where they're bullying Milly btw, Rosy is awesome when it comes to subtlety (that is how you spell it right-?)

"🎵But you keep trying to get too close🎵"

Literally on the verge of tears this song (and whole episode tbh) hits way too close to home/gen (i feel like I have to keep clarifying how genuine I bcuz I don't think people realize how emotional this gacha series can make me)

"🎵Saved myself by turning into stone🎵"

[In tears] I swear people really underestimate how fucked up someone's psyche can be when they're all cheery and hyper. Media has made us believe that people who bottle up emotions are all cold and depressed but really the most cheerful people you knew tend to be the most depressed. The only other major examples from my fandoms that fit this category that I can think of are KEL from Omori and Kokichi form Dangan, but I feel like KEL fits this statement more that Ouma tbh

"🎵So save your judgement 'cause you just don't know🎵"

REAL. AND THE CAMERA PANNING TO ZANDER WAS JUST *chef's kiss* I SWEAR ROSY IS REALLY GOOD AT SHOWING EMOTION.

"🎵And they keep coming like moth to flame🎵"

People want a reaction. Adults keep telling you to just ignore the bullies and they'll go away, but they never will because they KNOW they're getting under your skin and they'll continue teasing you till you snap and they'll only stop when it's already too fucking late.

"🎵Redemption never came🎵"

This. This line is perfect and it is the perfect ending to the song. People are so quick to judge and tell you you need to change but they never stop to get to know the real you, they never stop to actually help you change, and you'll always be the villain in the end.

"Milly seems really important to these guys"

YA THINK?!?!

"I'm missing chunks of my hair because of her!"

Zoey please marry me 💖

"They must be talking about Milly..."

Yeah, no shit, Sherlock

"I can't believe she has a crush on that nerd!"

Me neither, Zoey, Milly is wayyyy above his league.

"You...blackmailed your friend for me?"

Also, being bullied for a crush is soo real. Like, I am aroace so I wasn't bullied for HAVING a crush, I was bullied for being a "pick me" because I just so happened to be close friends with a guy and they were all accusing us of dating (this is like a big deal here since dating is very frowned upon, especially for AFABs; so they KNEW they were gonna tank my reputation and ruin my life basically. I can't tell you the amount of teachers who would look at me weird when I talked to my guy friends)- anyways this barely has anything to do with Milly or tmf but this is my blog I do whatever

[EDIT: A WHOLE CHUNK OF THE RANT WAS DELETED?? I AM REWRITING IT NOW]

"Y'know, what? I think I might go see what Drew's up to, I've yet to tell him about how I saw you with your sugar daddy last weekend"

This was the moment I started hating Jake. I didn't like him before, but I started loathing him at that moment.

I have been cheated on before, and if my friends knew and didn't tell me I would have killed them.

"But drew wouldn't have believed him!" Well, he believed him in ep 10, didn't he? And Henriam would have been there to back him up anyways.

Another question I have regarding this is how on earth did he blackmail her?! Liek he didn't have a photo or anything.

AND WHY ISNT HE CONCERNED ABOUT ZOEY GOIGN OUT WITH AN ADULT!??!

"Aw, you two looked very cozy together"

His tone reminds me of my abuser and I don't like. It has nothing to do with the essay, but I wanted to point it out. It really got under my skin.

"Just...please don't tell Drew about what you saw"

Is ti just me or does she seem genuinely sad?? Like her conscience is tormenting her?? Idk man maybe I am just reading into this way too much but- [pulls out ancient tmf theories about Zoey being forced into this by sb and actually being in love with Drew]

"I can't believe those girls, snooping into people's diaries like that"

And you can believe Jake blackmailing Zoey?? I get you're still salty about Lia but cmon Hailey give the man some consequences

[INSERT DEAN SCENE HERE]

MR.BROOOOOOOOOOOM

GOD HER TONE IS JUST- LIKE, SHE'S UNCERTAIN ABOUT JAKE'S METHOD [PROBABLY] BUT SHE CANT BELIEVE SOMEBODY CARES ABOUT HER THAT MUCH OH MY- SOMEBODY GIVE HER A HUG PLEASE SHE NEEDS IT

I SWEAR IF I SEE SOMEBODY ELSE CALL HER CARDBOARD LIEK THE ANON DID I WILL KILL YHEM

"Um...well, when you put it like that-"

Jesus Christ this man doesn't even realize what he did.

That final interaction with Milly and Jake where they reflect on the whole thing is just- beautiful, awesome, fantastic. It's really sweet and I love seeing Milly finally being comfortable enough to talk about her feelings (even if she isn't being too specific or conveying all of her feelings)

Why does Elliot look like that.

Milly why do you like this guy.

Anyways, I love the sound effects Rosy used to add whenever people would blush, I miss it (iirc it isn't in any of the new ep)

GOD I MISSED HE INTRO/OUTRO SONG SO MUCH NOSTALGIA-

Anyways, I love this episode, this is peak TMF and it makes me angry to see how Milly was reduced to comic relief in the end.

I would write a proper conclusion but I am too fucking lazy

Bye freaks

[most-canon-non-canon-ship-poll]

literally hoping they break up in the last season

Why Mileven is shit - a submission-based essay, part 2/3

Mileven - a currently canon het ship from the Stranger Things fandom between Michael (Mike) Wheeler and Jane (Eleven) Ives/Hopper/Byers/IDK

they NEED to breakup (AGAIN) in the final season let's start w their character arcs rn. el was born in a lab and was raised VERY strict to be a weapon and shit. she escapes and now her whole arc is finding herself and being who she is separate to what people tell her she is. mike comes from a lowkey conservative family with parents who are married only to fit into the normal, not because they love each other. his arc, similar to his sisters' struggle in earlier seasons, is to not fall into conformity just because you feel like you should. both of these stories line up with the main moral of the show: be who you are even if it isn't "normal" ot whatever now how does mileven go against this? mike, and a bunch of ppl around el, in the earlier seasons keeps telling el what she should do/be. even in the later seasons we see mike refering to el as a "superhero" (which she doesn't like). neither of them feel free to be themselves around the other (shown by el lying to mike and mike being WAY out of character around el, etc). mike literally can't tell el he loves her while not under pressure. mileven sometimes parallels mike's parents' and sta.cy (a failed conformity relationship) and other bad relationships ANYWAYS it also reallyyyy pains will byers (who's been canonically in love with mike for like years, and mike's best friend) to see this. also, milevens keep harassing will/mike shippers on anon even months after the last season. like they have a hate discord server just for it. anyways i love mike and el but ohhh my god there is still SO much i haven't mentioned about how bad they are together (and how bad shippers often are, sometimes being violently homophobic and calling bylers delusional and shit)

OOOH IT FUCKING SUCKS THEY ARE SOOOOOO BAD FOR EACH OTHER JESUS THEY DON'T COMMUNICATE LIKE EVER THEY ARE BOTH CLEARLY IN IT BECAUSE OF THE EXPECTATION OF A ROMANTIC RELATIONSHIP MORE THAN ANYTHING ELSE THEY CAN'T CONFIDE IN EACH OTHER THEY DON'T SHARE ANY INTERESTS THEY'RE HAVING CONFLICT MORE OFTEN THAN NOT THANK *GOD* I AM UTTERLY CONVINCED THEY ARE HEADING FOR A CANONICAL PERMANENT BREAKUP. NOT TO MENTION THEY ARE BOTH GAY AS HELL TO ME. YOU SEEN THAT "THIS SHIP IS SO CANON AND IT'S A LESBIAN AND A GAY MAN" TWEET? YEAH. FUCK THIS STUPID FUCKING SHIP NOT TO MENTION THE SHIPPERS ARE FREQUENTLY OPENLY HOMOPHOBIC. UGHHHHHHH KILLING BITING (this is my fave btw)

they have no chemistry or buildup unlike the other st couples. they kissed season 1 right after she asked if he would be her brother. hes very obviously compensating for something. i think i gagged when they made out in season 3. speaking of. thats all they do. make out. they dont really have meaningful conversations. this also comes from the fact that when mike met her she was fresh out the lab that abused her for like 11 years. she was not socially ready to understand the bounds of a platonic relationship let alone a romantic one. anyway mileven break up s5 will happen i believe it. if nothing else. cross ur fingers gamers

the sheer homophobia and general toxicity that the fans of this ship create is absolutely insane when their perfect (read: mischaracterized) straight (read: homosexually-coded) couple is judged for having toxic or incompatible elements is insane. the only good romantic aspect between these two characters is in a cringefail "wow this really doesn't work at all" i-want-to-put-this-dynamic-under-a-microscope-and-study-it-because-it's-an-absolute-trainwreck" kind of way. el has been abused and cut off from society her whole life and at 12 years old she immediately gets together with this guy at whose earth shattered after his best friend went missing who then has surviors guilt after she almost does which is misconstrued as romantic rather than unhealthy obsession and trauma. and so on and so forth.. there's just so much wrong they lie to each other So Fucking Much despite truthfulness being very important to them and they ignore their friends to make out (which is filmed in a way that is meant to feel uncomfortable btw lmao) and el doesn't understand mike's trauma from bullying and he doesn't understand how she doesn't want to be built up into being a superhero etc etc. and it's just so increasingly bad I want to rub my temples just thinking about them. they're just so bad for each other and their relationship has done nothing but make them worse in general but for some reason their ship is viewed as fluffy or cute or whatever the hell. anyway mike is so heavily coded to be fucking gay and in love with his best friend (and el can be interpreted to be lesbian coded) and I just need to get them out of there amen

I'm gonna make a list bc the reasons are many: 1) their first casual interaction they get together but in the same conversation she asks him if she can be like a sister to him 2) all their "cute moments" are them making out in the 3rd season with still absolutely no chemistry 3) their only actual cute scene is them dancing at the snowball yet in the same scene they portray the same way two couples that are not romantic 4) mike becomes a terrible person when he's with eleven 5) eleven literally GOT OUT OF A LAB SHE WAS RAISED IN and this is the first guy she dated 6) she can't even say he's a good kisser 7) mike can't tell her that he loves her (bc he doesn't) and the only time he does he makes this whole ugly ass speech up about how she's his "superhero" even though she doesn't want to be seen only for her superpowers 8) in said speech, while listing the things that he loves about her, he only names her superpowers + he lies multiple times 9) EVEN AFTER SAID SPEECH she is still mad at him and won't talk to him (probably bc she saw right through his bs) 10) she spent a whole 6 months lying to him about all of her life 11) mike is clearly gay and is meant to be with his childhood best friend will 12) mike idolizes her and doesn't see her as an actual person 13) eleven needs to be her own person (ffs she just got out of a lab) 14) the ship sucks and even the authors and actors say so

they have NO chemistry. they kissed after one week of knowing each other when they were 12 and eleven didn't even know what a romantic relationship was at the time, given the fact that right before mike kisses her she says "will you be like my brother?". they spent the entirety of season 2 apart with mike calling el on his walkie and el watching romantic movies on the tv for a year (then will is in trouble and mike says 'fuck it' and goes full protective boyfriend mode but this isn't about byler so i digress) and start dating soon after they meet again even though they haven't had a SINGLE conversation and are barely friends. season 3 comes along and the writers do their utmost best to show us how incompatible they are. their makeout scenes are uncomfortable, they break up at the beginning of the season and neither one of them seems particularly bothered that their first relationship is over. in fact, the happiest we see el in the entire series is during the time they're broken up, when she gets close to max (who she actually has chemistry with, by the way) and finally experiences freedom, being a teenage girl and etc since mike had been "keeping her all to himself" for like, a year. aside from that, he doesn't go after her at all after she dumps his ass (literally) but when he and will have a fight, he bikes across town in the rain just to apologize, that boy is GAY. finally, the theme of season 4 is lies and once again, mike and el spend the season apart (once again, mike spends the season with WILL) and right before they part ways, they have a big fight about mike being unable to so much as WRITE "love, mike" on his letters to el, let alone say it, and he bullshits his way through it and refuses to say the actual reason until vol. 2, when he apparently "confesses" that he's afraid he'll lose her if he says it (okay, amigo, you're gonna lose your girlfriend who was literally begging you to say 'i love you' not even a week ago, aham, totally valid excuse). conclusion: they don't know each other and they don't act like themselves when they're together. mike hides his nerdy nature, el feels like she has to be the amazing superhero he's always viewed her as or else he'll lose interest and it just feels like they're both grasping at straws because this relationship has been dragged on for too long that they don't know how to break up permanently. they are afraid of losing each other, but not romantically, as mike was el's first semblance of family after escaping the lab and mike feels like it's his duty to protect and care for el. also, mike is gay. in other words, FREE THEM.

[incurablyromanticsblog]

Watching Hang 'em High (1968)

Aww foal

Clint looking fine as always in assless chaps

WHAT THE FUCK

can't even enjoy a thirst watch im feeling such a thick despair rn

this dude really said i know you were just hanged but you've got get on your feet

meme that's relevant rn

knock off jesus...?

ok so the marshall didn't run to catch him and instead shot him and when he kept running he ... killed him?

'you chained him now you bury him' All cops have been bastards always.

this lady's hair doesn't seem historically accurate but what do i know

he's like a sad mangy dog

ELEVEN DOLLARS FOR ALMOST GETTING LYNCHED

'when you hang a man you better look at him'

"tell you what deputy marshall when I woke up and saw that gun pointing at my mouth and you at the end of it..." thats sus

"I can't get aboard cause my hands are tied, you're going to have to help me" me if I were arrested by Clint Eastwood

this movie is just him going through it

oh god... the kill me scene....

Judge: I'm proud of you marshal jed cooper

Cooper: I think I died 3 days ago

is she.... going to feed him too?

finally he got some action, would have liked to see it tho :/

"Just put it on your expense card" "Under what?" LMAO

WHAT IS THIS JUDGE DOING??

THOSE BLONDE BOYS?? one is 18 the other is 16...

thats hot

why are they calling this old punk captain?

Gang member 1: what we've been doing...it was right...hanging the wrong man doesn't change that

Gang member 2: my wife is so hot she'll definitely cheat on me when I'm in jail

"But they won't have been lynched they'll have been judged" sometimes two things are the same

People coming to see the hanging as if it's a sports match...this seems relevant still..

cooper watching the two boys go up for hanging...and his lynch scar in plain sight...

Cooper said i can't bear this and went to go get laid and then he gave up and abandoned the woman to watch the hanging

The judge crying like you ass you could have stopped this, YOURE THE JUDGE

ok she's imagining going on a carriage ride with clint eastwood. I can understand that.

aww they're having a picnic now...

I GUESS MY LIFE ISN'T WORTH TWO KISSES

they had this whole romantic short film for him to DUMP HER?

this last scene is very the good the bad and the ugly core like when those bandits are coming to kill blondie

HE HUNG HIMSELF

Don't know how to feel about the ending.. and given the context of the movie i think thats a good thing. He wants to quit and wants the one man who shouldn't die pardoned, he wants to save at least one person. And the judge says ok but only if you keep being marshall. And coop agrees. i'm upset he didn't quit but hey i get it.

Note: this is giving me Shooter starring Mark Wahlberg vibes.

Overall rating i'd say is about 9/10 cause the ending missed some vibes, its not racist that's always a plus.

10/10 for Clint Eastwood in pain and whimpering the original reason i wanted to watch the film but i ended up sitting through what came off as a Anti Death Penalty film.

Up next is Coogan's Bluff (1968)

[guccifrog]

rant abt my cousin i said i was gonna do a week ago, 🤪. but fr im actually about to cry rn. so me and my cousin were born 3 months apart and we have been like inseparable since forever. she got her best friend in fucking like 4th grade and i never got a best friend, she was my best friend. i never really minded it until 7th grade when i started dating my girlfriend, who was... kinda weird. but so was i. my cousin was always more popular than me in school, whatever. BUT i think when i started to hang out with the "weird" kids, she started thinking i was weird, like them. im not saying they were really weird but they were... really weird💀. anyways, me and my cousin were really close all through that time. but in seventh or eighth grade, the fact that my best friend was my literal cousin and she had like 10 friends that were higher on her list than me, was starting to get to me. in seventh grade i remember i was really depressed cus of my girlfriend (OF TEN FUCKING MONTHS WHO BROKE UP WITH ME💔 i was eleven but my heart was broken) was really toxic. in eighth grade, i lost most of my friends, like i went from 10 to 4 over the summer. i thought i was happier but i wasnt 💀 and then my cousin started getting more distant and acting really fake. then a couple years pass, and shes still the fakest "friend" ever but she was my best friend. if she was just my friend and she wasnt my only friend, i would have dropped her, like instantly in eighth grade BUT she was my cousin and she was my rock. i relied on that bitch for EVERYTHING but she didnt like me ig? and shes kinda a bad person, like she was talking to this guy but he couldnt date until he was 16 so she turned her ass around and started flirting with this other guy a week after telling me she might be falling in love and continuing to talk to this guy and "fall in love with him" like??? but she didnt want to tell the guy who couldnt date that she liked this other guy cus it would hurt his feelings.... but now when i see her in the hallways of my school, or outside of my school, she side eyes me and doesnt say anything. she judges me for everything i do when we are actually having a conversation and she acts like she hates me. but she wont fucking talk about it. she wont tell me she doesnt want to talk to me anymore. i get that were cousins, but if you hated me, why would you beg me to go to the same high school as you??? why would you convince me to be in some class I don't want to take (avid) just for you to switch outta that class once the semester starts??? why would you take a bunch of cute and embarrassing and funny pictures of me when we are hanging out at my grandmas house just to fucking ignore me at school? but shes my cousin 💔💔

ok, im done, love ya 😘🫶

listen I understand were you're coming from but relationships evolve and people change over time so I'd say you should like sit down and have a talk with her like "hey whatever her name is I feel like you've changed the way you treat me and i don't like that so please explain why because I deserve to know" because you do and no one deserves to be treated like shit without a reason

[blooming-violets]

I JUST FINISHED SMITTEN AND IM IN LOVE<333 THE ENDING IS SO 😭😭😭😭 idk if you take requests rn but if you do, can you please write a short drabble on how mia and peter's relationship would be like now that they have child? but ofc if you're not comfortable to write it, it's fine!! i was just curious :))

This is not an actual blurb but I rambled for a long time anyway.

You made me go back and reread the epilogue because my memory is so bad that I low key forgot what happened.

I always wanted Mia's story to be kind of tragic. She went through something so horrific that her life was never going to be easy. Even before Peter, she was suffering through serious trauma. People don't bounce back from that with ease. I made sure to mention that she started going to therapy but then quit when she felt judged by their comments. It's unknown if the therapist was actually judging her or simply making an observation but, because of Mia's entire life history and personality, she took it as them looking down on her which made her quit. She hasn't gone back to therapy since then. It's the same thing that happened between her and Patrick's relationship after Peter. She took his comments as a personal judgment and attack to make her feel small and disgusting. So she ran away.

I wanted to make it so she was dealing with everything on her own like she had her whole life. She can't trust people because she thinks they have ulterior motives or hide their true feelings. In her messed up thinking, Peter was the only one who showed her his true self so she knew what to expect. For her story to ever work with Peter, she needed to be incredibly vulnerable, kicked down, extremely isolated, have zero self-worth/think so little of herself, and be financially stuck. I tried my best not to romanticize their situation and actually show the reasons as to why she was ever accepting of him. Her way of thinking was never okay. Mia needs serious, professional help that she's not getting because she has no one in her life who cares enough to step in. She's very much alone.

All that rambling to say, that's exactly how I tried to set her up in the epilogue even after she escaped Peter. Not much has changed from before she was with Peter to after. She tried to heal but fell short. Sadly, I think it's very truthful. So many people end up back with their abusers. When all you have is yourself to keep you in check, it's really easy to lose track of things and resort back to what you know.

Mia is still alone, trying to raise a daughter who looks an awful like her captor, and dealing with trauma that she has no outlet for. Her PTSD is currently manifesting itself into hypersexuality. She wants people to use her so that she can feel a sense of familiarity that she's always known.

About ptsd and hypersexual behavior:

"People also often feel tremendous guilt or shame in line with their trauma, which can promote hypersexual behavior. Sex, in this case, can be seen as a coping mechanism used to manage the symptoms of PTSD. Many people feel hypersexual impulses as their brains are focused on the trauma. They can enter an unhealthy cycle where they seemingly reenact their trauma. As mentioned, this can be a coping mechanism for many."

This is where Mia is right now. She's clearly scared of Peter. She's scared for her daughter. But there's a part of her that is relieved to see him. She doesn't have to wonder or worry about where he is anymore. He's standing in front of her. She's able to physically have him in her sights. She can monitor everything that he does. She no longer has to live in the unknown. Her abuser is right there and she knows what to expect...almost craves it because it's familiar and she's tricked herself into think that she loves him. If she loves them then it makes everything easier to digest. He's not an evil stranger, he's her lover. She can twist his actions into love to soothe her own messed up thinking.

ALL OF THIS TO SAY that I think Mia would let him back into her life without a fight, as sad as that is to think about. I want her to take her daughter and run but everything we know about Mia doesn't align with that. The moment she decided not to kill him when she escaped the basement was the moment she chose him over her own life. She killed Jake. She could have killed Peter too but she didn't. That was her choice and Peter knows it. He knows he has her wrapped around his finger and has full control over her. His plan from the very start worked. Mia is his. She lost the fight. For now. She can still change! And I like to believe that she does...because she lives in my head and it's my story so I can force her to eventually change if I want haha.

I see Peter living in secret with her for a while. I see her willingly and almost excitedly letting him have sex with her. She wants to reenact her trauma and he's the perfect one to replay that scenario with. If I wrote this, there would be a lot of really crazy, dark smut.

I think she'd let him get close to Sofia only under extreme supervision. She wouldn't let him see her unless she was there. No matter how long he was around, I don't believe she'd ever give up control over Sofia to him. It would be the only time the fantasies in her head would drop back to reality whenever he interacted with Sof. She'd feel a tightness in her throat and anxiety in her stomach that she would try to push away but could never quite shake anytime he looked at her daughter.

I think they would play house for a little bit until one day Mia would finally snap, the reality of what they were doing sinking in and slapping her in the face, and she would probably stab him to death or something crazy then sink his body in the bottom of the pond on the property. No one but her and Sofia know he was ever there. She'd tell Sof that he had to leave and wasn't going to come back. Eventually Sofia probably forget about him because she's only three. It would be Mia's dirty secret that she would take the grave. No one would ever know. It's the only way she could ever be free of Peter. Jail wouldn't cut it. The only way for her to be sure that he would never return to her life would be through death.

Sofia would grow up wondering why she was never allowed to swim in the pond and Mia would tell her it's because of leeches...which would conveniently mimic that one flashback of Aunt May telling Peter not to go swimming and Peter killing the leech in that exact same pond thus implying that maybe the story one day repeats itself but with Sofia growing up in Peter's footsteps. Because a daughter of a serial killer father and a mother who's murdered two people as a result is a great villain origin story.

The End.

[golbrocklovely]

So this is out of nowhere, but yk twitter usually sends notifications about certain people tweeting and i received Kat's latest one about her saying what a series of events have been lately or whatever

Since she was at JC's party with everyone else, i really hope her and Sam are never getting back together, because she has been nothing but a toxic ex since the breakup. If she's acting so pitiful still after months of them being apart (because they've definitely been broken up for a while, just never admitted that or it was a silent breakup even for them until they acknowledged it) she's also a bit of a "throwing everything in ur face" type of partner if they get back together. I know u don't like her/talking about her, but i was just ranting because i don't see many people talk about how she's been acting since Sam isn't around her anymore. I mean she acts really reckless and just throws words around to make her look interesting, but I'm honestly ashamed of her and i find her very cringe lately. This is coming from someone who really likes her music and really supported her ever since Sam introduced her, but honestly... She's insufferable. All i can think about is that she's frustrated to see that Sam had no intention in getting back together with her after his life calmed down a bit

they posted their breakup video in may, and mentioned in the video that it had already been two months. so they broke up somewhere in march.

i get why you feel the way you do, but i don't think kat is acting like a toxic ex or even making any digs to get back together with sam or anything like that. i mean, she was saying a couple things back when bs was coming out, but other than that, she hasn't really alluded to anything relating to sam (at least to my knowledge). and her partying and drinking is just her way of coping with an 8 year relationship ending. you gotta remember when she first started dating sam, she was 16/17. she was SO young. collectively a lot of her early adult years were with him. and there's the possibility that she never really figured herself out while dating him and now she's taking the time to do so. but that's a lot of backlogging she has to get thru to understand herself better. if she wants to party a bunch, then she should. idk if in the long run it will make her feel better, but that's a future worry. rn she just wants to have fun and go out. and she's allowed to. sam has been doing the same but it's not an issue, so… vice versa.

and i don't think she really wants to get back together with sam. i mean, i obviously don't know her that well to really say either way, but i think she's probably enjoying herself and what being single kat means. there's gonna be a lot of fuck ups, but a lot of good too. and same goes for sam. single sam is already inching his way out. i think we should just give them some grace periods to kinda be dumb and do stupid shit before we start judging too much.

[vole-mon-amour]

7x23.

The husbands have no time for this political bullshit, but Aaron still has to play this game as the boss of the team.

Dave be like: Screw you, Erin. Go fuck yourself. And Hotch immediately be like, very politely,: Dave means that he disagrees with you.

They're a perfect match.

Garcia's vocabulary. :') Yeah, those two are definitely the Dads of the team and the rest of them are their kids. They look up to Dave and Aaron. I love seeing this dynamic.

I didn't think we'd see him every again, so I'm glad we do. He's cool. I like him. That's a hell of an opportunity for Emily, though. A huge promotion. I think I'd take it. On the other hand, that's how they reminded me that Paget actually left & I'm not sure I'm ready for that. As we already know, I don't take the change of the team very well. I hope a new character is great. But yeah, Emily surely deserves that. Terrifying, huge responsibility, but worth it, I think.

These glances. What the hell was THAT??

I love how this is an actual discussion. Aaron's there, JJ as Will's partner. They all know Will is important & they value their opinions. Forgive me, but this does make me think of when Aaron and Dave discuss on the strategy & how their personal respect and connection with each other is showing.

Aaron is the Big Boss that's just trying to keep everyone alive (and that is hot af)

STOP IT. Dave already has way too much on his plate. He and Aaron deserve a freaking good vacation together (and they're both workaholics so they'd find work wherever).

The way JJ fought to stop Will from going in... Yeah. Also makes me think of how Aaron called out for Dave when Dave was about to get shot by the killer they were looking for & how Derek saved Dave's life at the last second.

However, what I don't understand, is why Aaron said that Wiil isn't going in but they are, and then he obviously knew that Will is going in and didn't try to stop him. Was there a discussion between them behind the scenes on how Will HAS to do it? Judging by how he wanted that guy to tell JJ that he's sorry and all. Will's guilt & how Aaron simply accepts it.

And when the shots were fired, it's like JJ was so worried, she was going to by physically sick. I can't imagine that & I don't even want to. That hurts. On the other hand, what did they think was going to happen? Penelope was already on the edge of tears, and when Will got shot? Yep. It was logical (which doesn't change the horror of it).

Ok, I lied. They're forcing me to think about Aaron and Dave. And after this moment Dave rushes in with "They're not answering", obviously worried, and can you fucking IMAGINE how would it be if it was Aaron? If Dave actually saw Aaron getting shot and losing it?

Why am I doing this to myself? Idk.

Aaron is way too sympathetic sometimes, especially when it comes to the people he cares about. That could be the end of him one day. And again, if it takes JJ's puppy eyes, then what would it be if Dave got shot? Not to mention Aaron was with Haley where JJ is rn with Will.

Will has a wife-to-be and a kid with her. This is definitely the time to reconsider your life choices and regret your decision. Yeah, a wedding after that makes a perfect sense.

Dave immediately running to stop them after they learned about the gas pipelines? Yeeeah.

P.S.: The way Garcia dresses. Simply a queen.

[acecasinova]

Hullo!! This is so late but for the ask meme if you're still doing it? :D

🌹🍁🌺💫 for Lazarus and Keev? :D

ABSOLUTELY I'm always down to talk about my kiddos lol~

🌹 Where in the world does your OC feel most at home? Is there any reason why? If it’s not the place they were born, where were they born? Is there a certain somebody that makes them feel at home where ever they may be? What does home mean to them?

Lazarus: Man. I don't know if he's got a place like that. The closest is probably when he gets to nap as a wolf, curled up under a tree or maybe on Eurydice's lap, but he's SO guarded and on edge that he doesn't get to feel like that much. We just got confirmation that he was NOT from Barovia, just somewhere on the Material Plane, but not sure where bc his grandfather wasn't exactly forthcoming lol. Eurydice most of the time- she let him squat in her orphanage's barn and never tried to pressure him too much, but she DOES sort of hover and fuss in ways that he doesn't like (but so many people do that rn). Home is somewhere people don't judge him.

Keev: It used to be his family's kitchen at home, but.... He hasn't actually been back since the accident (being declared dead, buried, and then deemed an undead abomination even though you're NOT (technically) undead, just barely connected to the living sort of puts a damper on going home.) And knowing that his parents knew he'd die if he became a wizards' apprentice but didn't fight the assignment bc it was an honor for their family, makes it a LITTLE soured. But really, any time he gets to cook feels comforting, or, failing that, just spending time w/ his twin sister. (She's sort of his whole world) Home to Keev is comfort. Protection. A warm place to let down your guard- a hearth.

🍁 Where does your OC go when they need to have some time to themself? Would they ever have their own “comfort corner” filled with all the things they like? Do they have a favourite spot outside that feels like its theirs and theirs alone?

Lazarus: Usually he just f-cks off to the woods outside Valaki lmao~ The hayloft in the barn is also a usual haunt for him- it's where he sleeps and hides the stuff he's found/stolen, and where he goes when he doesn't need to work off excess energy (Q has also added some decorations, like a large stop sign her fey prince gave her) In the forest there's definitely an area with more scratched up trees that he frequents for working off energy, hunting small animals, and just climbing up trees to nap or sulk lol

Keev: Right now, he and his sister are on the road too much- they don't have a 'base' outside a magical shelter, so it's difficult to make a place feel like "his". But he does like journaling and pressing flowers, so that may count as a "comfort corner" as he doesn't remember anything after they passed the magical barrier outside their home country. He'll just turn invisible and slink off if he gets overwhelmed, but most times right now he doesn't want to be too far from his sister.

🌺 What does your OC do to calm down when they’re scared or after a nightmare? Do they have any special comfort items or need to be reassured by a specific person? How do they handle this if they’re alone?

Lazarus: Depends on what's scaring him TBH. Most times, he'll just bolt, maybe drop some Darkness and then start jumping through shadows, but LATELY the source of his fear has been Kindness and Strahd, which has been.... tricky, and he's been freezing up as part of him wants to run and another part instinctively wants to obey. After the scare has passed, he usually has a lot of pent up energy and he gets aggressive or needs to let it out somewhere, like just running, hitting something, or scratching up a tree if he can't pick a fight

Keev: So much stimming! Usually he seeks out his sister to tell her about it and just not be alone, because he's had quite a few meltdowns and panic attacks recently from his claustrophobia and other recent fears, and since his magic is tied to fear and reacts to it, it can be dangerous. If he's alone, he tends to just withdraw and curl up to ride it out as best he can

💫What is your favourite fact about this character and why?

Lazarus: ....okay so I JUST found out he was literally MADE from pieces of the rest of his vampiric family, then basically "jump-started" by a great old one, which is WILD- like what a way to have a biologically connected vampire den??? And I love that bc the DM just casually dropped that at the end of last session and reminded us that he mentioned that Laz' arms are different skin tones sdfghjkl;??

Keev: He's agnostic even though he's literally met several gods because he's seen them be fallible and doesn't think they've proven themselves more worthy of worship than anyone else. Also in his ideal world, he could be a paladin who draws faith from other people and their inherent goodness (But he's not very confident in his martial abilities as he was trained classically in arcana and now dealing with shadow magic)

[liltaz-asatreat]

YES YES YES I WAS WAITING FOR YOU TO REBLOG IT :DDD

Obviously I gotta ask about Lucretia and then Julia and I'm also gonna ask about amber :>

:DDDD

You can find the ask game here!

So for Lucretia:

I almost put deeper than she seems top, but then I thought about it, and in the podcast, while we don't see a lot of her at all, including the Stolen Century, she's still portrayed as a very deep character obviously with everything she's got going on and that she did lol

And honestly, the reason why I would be afraid of her is because, upon first meeting her, I would definitely be intimidated because I'm always intimidated by people I see as authority figures no matter what context it is or how I meet them, and I feel like on top of that, she would have a pretty intimidating aura post stolen century, and even through a lot of the latter years of the stolen century, particularly after cycle 65. And then once I'd get to know her or if I was in the balance universe and met her after Story and Song and heard the story, I would also be afraid of her because I see so much of myself in her (like now irl! Lol) and like, her whole deal and the decisions she made being a reminder of some parts of myself that I'm not too proud of and having her be a mirror as I think about what I would have done in her situation and wondering if there would be a reality in which I wouldn't do what she did even though I know it's wrong because of the thinking and behavioral patterns I constantly have to fight and sometimes fall back on without being in a apocalyptic situation 24/7 for countless years

How do you look someone in the eyes with the love you feel for them when they've deeply hurt the people they're closest too and countless others in the crossfire and being angry on the victims' behalf while also knowing that she was just doing her best and trying to mitigate the hurt they were already feeling and fix things the best way she knew how and tried her best to make them happy and safe while also knowing the aftermath and why it was wrong while also knowing that if put under the exact same circumstances having the exact same experiences, you would have done the same thing, so you have no room to judge?

How do you look at yourself after coming to that revelation?

Anyway, I just love her and am angry at her and hurt for her and have complicated feelings about her and myself and yeah *arm wiggles*

Definitely mentally I'll over her ghfkajflJxk

For Julia:

There's like, no information about her in canon, so while I do like the things about her that's stated in canon, most of everything has to come from head canon and fanon ghdlajflJsl

And honestly, I never really had much to say about her because like, no one basically knows anything about her, but now I'm like, writing this whole AU where I have to make stuff up about her based on the bare bones Travis gave, and it's gotten a lot easier to do that as time has gone on, but I feel like she's basically more of an OC at this point?? Which is fine I guess since she only showed up for 2 scenes, and Travis' main descriptor of her is that she made Magnus into a "good man" instead of a "good person", whatever the fuck that's supposed to mean fjslahflKcjal

But I love her and I desperately wish she had more screen time, both because I want to know more about her as an audience member because she seems cool and she and Magnus were happy together and they deserve the best and also because it would make my life as a fanfic writer so much easier!!! Lmao like, I worry about whether she's in character or not all of the time beyond my normal can't keep any character consist, but also like, there is virtually no canon to stick to which should be freeing but AAAAAAHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

For Amber:

I don't really have too much to say about her rn; I think that's mostly because it's been a while since I listened to Ethersea or thought about it and her all that much. But I did put a slash through they've never done anything wrong in their life because that's most of my feelings toward her, but I do feel like she was a little hard on Devo in the end there (though I can't really blame her for snapping just... when he just lost his mother figure? That's when she snapped? Really?) And I really wish they had been able to resolve that.

I also put a slash in they got done dirty by the fans because, while most of the posts I had seen about her during the last arc of the campaign were okay, there were a few that were harsh on her about her reactions to Devo and all the reasons why they hated her now when like, she had reason to be upset with him? I'm not saying that her being hard on him right after he lost Guidance was right, but Devo wasn't right in how he was treating people then and for the entirety of the podcast either tbh, and that argument and resulting tension for the rest of the season was a long time coming. And even though she was done with his bullshit, she still cared enough about him to go after him in the tower despite not wanting to and to make sure he was safe and even got to see the surface of another world before she dived head first into it.

Like, neither of them are perfect characters, far from it actually, and that's the point, and I think there were some people who were too harsh on both of them. Myself included at times tbh

Most of the other posts about her were fine though, so that's why it's only a slash lol

Thank you for sending this in!!! :D

[mypoisonedvine]

Sorry for this rant

I feel like I’m not normal as I don’t know how to talk to people as I was sheltered as a kid and wasn’t allowed to go to bday parties or play dates. So I never really learned as people started to ignore me probably think she won’t hang out like I invited her b4.

So now I’m actually don’t feel normal as I make scenarios in my head that I have a fake friend group doesn’t matter if it’s my own characters or from a tvshows/movie. Like rn I’m in a friend group with characters in stranger things. Like I do wish I could live a life where I can be happy and make friends like I do in my head.

Like everyone around me is making friends and I’m in the corner quiet and just in my scenarios. Like is this normal for others cuz I can’t really talk abt it to my friends cuz I do feel like they would judge and not understand y. Cuz I told my friend abt the bday/play date things and she told me it was stupid that I’m resenting that and saying it’s why I can’t talk to others.

And it’s just stupid cuz if I put my scenarios self and like the scenario me is more sarcastic and sassy. But when I am sarcastic in irl I don’t think ppl understand I am trying to be. Which is kinda mean but I like I do feel like this version of me would be happier cuz they seem really fun to be around. But I still don’t really know how to hold a convo as in my scenarios I’m always already in one so I didn’t need to worry and for making friends I just know the ppl b4. Like when I hang with my friend that helps gets the other me does come out but my friend is leaving so i feel like it’s gonna be gone

okay, so I just wanna start by saying that I'm sorry you feel so different from other people, and that your childhood was deprived of typical social experiences that you would've benefited from. I agree with you that that is too far to go in terms of 'sheltering' a child and that your parents set you up for more struggle socially than is necessary. I had friends growing up who weren't allowed to have or attend sleepovers, but they still could go to birthday parties!! I'm sorry that that happened to you.

in terms of the impact now, all I can say is, you're just as sane as I am. I'm not gonna say that it's normal or healthy to daydream semi-constantly, but it is something that I relate to a lot.

and I think a lot of people relate to your feeling that making friends is more difficult than we expected. it's normal to think all your friends have more friends than you because, statistically speaking, they always will. it doesn't mean you're doing anything wrong per se.

one piece of advice I can give is to definitely not lean into being sassy/sarcastic in real life. if there's one thing TV shows misrepresent about social interaction, it's how well people take sarcasm in real life. characters that are seen as funny, if a little stern or intense, on TV shows would be HATED in real life because their behavior can be dismissive and cruel. the softest example of this is chandler, from friends, who uses his friends' real problems to make stand-up-comic-type quips. and then you've got characters like house, dr. cox, jeff winger whose behavior no real person would tolerate even if they seem cool to us as the audience. I get the temptation, but definitely don't try to have a witty comeback for every situation... it can very much backfire.

that said, I understand wanting to have more social confidence and make friends more easily. I don't have one perfect piece of advice for that, but don't think you're the only person with this problem or that you're less valuable as a person just because you're not the most popular person. I hope you feel better and I'm sorry that your friend was dismissive about this, thank you for sharing this <3

[wildernessuntothemselves]

I'm the anon who asked advice about losing friends in your 20s a while back. I also feel like I get hurt and stuck on something that a lot of people would be able to get over and that's how I end up all alone,with my last friendship I tried to get over sth for 8 months,I tried with everything in me and then I had to accept defeat yet again,sometimes I feel guilty that I let people get close to me when it always ends in the same way,yk how you can tell if sth is triggering a specific trauma these

aren't instances where I can tell thats what happened but I still am holding out a little hope that when i can get therapy(even tho finding the right one is a whole pain in itself)I'll be able to treat whatever it is that Im not even aware of,I don't if you've tried it or plan to and I don't know if it'll actually help but what was quote,we deserve a soft epilogue...we deserve softness in general,specially people like us who went through so much to develop such intense issues,we deserve to have

lasting connections,I also think even when it does seem like I was unreasonably hurt or wtv even if I can't see it,it could be that I wasn't unreasonable at all,if having to give without any limit is what you learn(amongst other fucked up shit)then it's reasonable to think even if you think you know your limit you don't know it well enough and can't dig the info out yourself and need help from a professional,I'm not saying we are in the same boat,I barely know what boat I'm in but yeah I just wa

wanted to share and I'm sorry if it added more to your pain in some way,in any case I hope the patterns of pain stop repeating for you,idc if that's unrealistic,you deserve a miracle dont you think,I'm also not really sober rn so I'm sorry that what I said is all over the place

that's exactly it. it's not the words themselves it's the trauma they trigger. not to quote zefrank again but i will because that man describes what i'm going through better than i ever could

"you ever do that? project a movie from your past onto someone, vomiting emotions and feelings over some unsuspecting person? they say some little thing and suddenly you feel like you got hit by a wave and you withdraw or lunge and you feel like you did when you were small and you say, you! you made me angry, or you made me sad.

and it's hard enough to have a conversation with someone and now you're having it with ghosts too. ghosts that once made you feel shunned or angry or alone or maybe even made you feel like you might get annihilated altogether."

anyway i did go to therapy for a long time and you're right finding the right person is a challenge in itself. it took me years to find the right one and that's how i know where my problem is. the issue is that i stopped going to her for a couple of reasons and i haven't been able to get over the issue yet.

but my therapist did tell me once that if i feel like i'm shying away from someone for an unknown reason then i probably do have a reason, i just don't know it. the two specific examples she gave me made sense but now without her i can't judge if i do have a valid reason and i don't know it or if i'm just running away

i do hope they stop too but they've been repeating over and over again for so long that i'm just exhausted at this point and every time they repeat, it makes me want to fight back less. idk don't you sometimes feel like there is something fundamentally wrong with you and that's why you'll never get it right? that you weren't built for the daily struggles of life and that it would be so much easier if you just ceased to exist?

[rainingmbappe]

i just listened to star by mitski and i won't lie to you that song was in my recommended for a few days before you had told me about it. i didn't check it out at first cause i don't listen to mitski that much (she makes me cry lol) but when you recommended it to me i thought "why not then".

i cannot really explain what i felt the first time i listened to it, yet i'm insanely grateful i was able to have my first listen because of you. even though the music video looks so "effortless" it feels so intimate and looks genuinely really beautiful. her expressions create a whole world, and i feel like a swiftie just describing everythingndfbsfbh but at least i can say that mitski is a real lyricist genius. (side eyeing the 14 y'os saying TTPD is the best album in the universe).

"keep a leftover light burning" this is so powerful idec, i always keep these memories with me, these times that made me so happy. and even though they don't feel so vivid anymore, they taste like leftovers yes, they warm my heart still. i can't even, i wish i had the ability to describe how i felt listening to that song (i'm listening to it again rn). i never had any relationship but i hold platonic love so deeply, much more than any romantic relationship i could ever have. i know this sounds contradictory and pathetic but i feel like i can be much more intimate with a friend through the things i feel and the things i say. i know i will never be judged by a true friend, i know i don't have to meet these certain expectations with them that would be needed in a romantic relationship (of course they're not the same but bfdbsjbfs idk if u get me).

i love to talk about anything with you, you feel so close and it soothes my soul to know that i'm not alone feeling so incredibly deep for some things people don't bat an eye for.

i was outside today with a friend and when i walked home i was drinking the last few drops of my redbull (this sounds so ridiculous) and had to look up and my eyes met the sky, i froze for a moment seeing the clouds move so fast because of the wind and i thought of you. i don't know, it feels comforting to know that we are both looking at the same moon, at the same sky, at the same sun. that even though you're a whole continent away, you're not that very far from me in reality. it's all about perspective. compared to the size of the universe that is always expanding, you're like a feet away from me.

sorry i'm talking too much, i'm just in my feels it's late and i miss you i wish i could have ig so we could talk about anything forever. i know that if i knew you irl i would bother you all the time with questions and tell you all the things that go through my mind, i never shut up.

i still have the dorian gray book and every time i read it i think of you. I had highlighted something that made me think of you, you had told me something personal and it reminded me of that thing but i had completely forgotten about it : "my dear fellow, i am not quite serious but i can't help detesting my relations. i suppose it comes from the fact that none of us can stand other people having the same faults as ourselves." i didn't highlight anything else in that book, just that one sentence. i'm so sorry this is getting so long dnjskjbfh you're probably tired of me rambling this much, just one thing, i loved your sky pics and i'm so glad you posted them. you and nikola have a real talent when it comes to capture the best sky pictures, it's like you own it.

i don't know what time it is for you it must be very late, have a good night and i hope you're doing well <3

Stop with the apologizing, you and I both know that I giggle and feel this kind of eternal bliss whenever I see your asks in my inbox. So yeah ssssshhhhhhh

Just wanna say how real that miski thing is. I literally avoid her music cause it's frankly too heavy for the everyday, plus I'm not the bigggeeessstt fan of her sound (still an amazing amazing artist nonetheless). Yk, I've said this a lot in my life, but the pursuit of romantic love seems a bit pointless to me as compared to any other strong bond. People might say that it's my inexperience that makes me say this, and I'm open to change, but I genuinely believe that platonic relationships are the fundamentals of being human. Experiencing such bonds in deep and profound ways stays and impacts people in such great ways. I think about familial relationships a lot too when I listen to star. I haven't lost anyone close in my life, but it's one of my irrational fears. And this song just struck that cord that, frankly, doesn't exist?? So that's so weird, isn't it. Then I started thinking about the platonic side of the song, which made it 939292 times worse loll

(BTW taylor shade SO REAAALLL)

And yes I get you completely. Friends don't jusdge you in that way yk??? Atleast some don't. And that feeling, ugh it's so so hard to describe but you know it if you've felt it.

AND oh my god I teared up when I read the cloud thing. I think constantly about how starting from dinosaurs, to Shakespeare, to messi and you, we all share the same sky. Claimed by none, tainted by none. I love that. We look at the same moon. Our eyes look at the same thing in the flesh. Isn't that bizarre? Its like this invisible string that connects us. And I'm so sorry if I sound weird but. I think of you a lot. This was in March, when I was just thinking about how I'll probably never meet anyone like you again. And I thought you had left for good and forever and that you were lost in the world. Even if I wanted, I'd never be able to reach you. And that thought precisely freaked me tf out. Cause. You would just be lost forever, wouldn't you? And I couldn't stand that thought and I cried just a tinnnyyyy bit (istg don't juddgeeeee). But these asks are literally my whole world. You don't even I don't expect you to but just know that when you sent in that first one, I wasn't sure it was you but had this distinct feeling in my heart. And I couldn't be gladder that it IS you.

AWWWW I say this without exaggeration, if we knew eachother, we wouldn't get work done. Like ever. I already try to make these asks as long as I possibly can to never end talking to you, if we had any way of texting, I swear we'd talk alllllllll the time. And I think that would heal me tbh aodnlsnxlsjdke

Yk I want to shake you and tell you to never ever everrrr be sorry for talking too much atleast to me. If I havnt made it absolutely clear already, I love talking to you and the more the merrier hahaha. No but seriously, i love talking to you. The best yhing about us was we didn't have to pretend like we didn't have negative thoughts. Like all our thoughts we're roses and daisies. We talked about the hard and the bad stuff and then shared our mutual love for the cosmos, it was amazing. It IS amazing

It's almost 1 and I have online school tomorrow. I'm trying soooo hard not to throw a 5 yo-esque tantrum rn (ik online school is not that bad but even then I hate it)

I feel like I didn't respond to everything I wanted to. But tbh I could go on for foreverrrrrr. Maybe I'll edit it in the morning and add more hhehehhehe.

Also. I can't belive you still remember the Dorian Gray thing. I'll go cry now thanks a lot ksksksnzsmsmzwlz

Miss you terribly. I love you and hope you have a great night ahead <3