hooligi

[cheri-translates]

[CN] Season 2 Summary (Volume 4: Ch 10 - 13)

🍒 Warning: Detailed spoilers from S2 🍒

Along with the update on 3 June 2021, the CN server released a “Plot Review” which contains bullet-point summaries of S2 :>

Volume 3 Summary: here

You receive a name list of people involved in the Evol assassinations, and realise that quite a number of them were participants in the Hunter Game. After considering the significance of this list, you decide to discuss the matter with Victor

With Victor’s prompting, you do a cost-benefit analysis and find that disclosing the document brings greater benefits than disadvantages. However, doing this will make LFG a target of the true mastermind behind the assassination incidents

“After all, he isn’t the only one with a trump card.”

As expected, disclosing the list results in heated debate from various segments of society

While leaving Souvenir one day, the brake of Victor’s car fails to work because someone tampered with it

The two of you have no choice but to speed around the city. Despite it being an incredibly dangerous situation, he remains composed, successfully resolving the issue before him. It’s the first time you realise how skilled Victor is in driving 

After the incident, you track down the person who tampered with Victor’s car, and find that he has been assassinated

Likely sensing your feelings, Victor invites you to the park after work. When you head to the park as arranged, you see his figure from afar as he waits for you

You deliberately send him a text, telling him that you’re still at work. He believes it at first, but reacts soon after. He scans his surroundings, then meets your eyes amongst the crowd

“Childish.”

While taking a stroll in the park, the both of you stop before a tree. A long time ago, Victor had coursed through time and entered the future in order to prove that the future could be changed. Back then, you had engraved your wish. This time, the same words are your source of determination. Next to you, Victor smiles and changes “May everyone be safe and healthy” to “Everyone will be safe and healthy”

When he takes you to the riverside, Victor finally tells you the true reason why he asked you to meet him. He’s currently acquiring businesses related to the “Small Syringes”. He needs this information to be publicly disclosed in order to lure the forces that are lying low to the surface voluntarily. Even though you’re worried, you choose to trust his decision. You volunteer to release this news as it can drum up a large volume of public opinion

Victor looks at you, his expression proud and gentle

"Here’s to a pleasant collaboration.”

After the news is made public, the reputation of LFG suffers a drastic decline as expected

On the surface, your interactions with LFG have lessened. At the entrance of LFG, Victor walks forward amid the remarks and hostility by passers-by. You want to defend him, but reason tells you to stay where you are, and not act impulsively

As your eyes gradually redden, you receive a message from him-

“The weather is pretty nice today.”

Victor’s plan progresses steadily. What you’ve done has also allowed the reputation of Black Swan to rise

Even though the two of you are walking in different directions, you are certain that you’re standing in the turbulent undercurrents together

The director of the hospital whom you once interviewed has discovered a reason for the pathological changes in Evolvers, and has invited you over to talk about it. Unfortunately, a group of Evolver gangsters has suddenly taken the hospital hostage

The STF rushes to the scene quickly. When you hear Gavin’s voice, your heart feels much more at ease

The main plotter, Yang Ping, has held normal civilians as hostages, and requests for a series of provisions to be made for Evolvers, so that Evolvers can have more “benefits”

Struck with an idea, you remain on the scene to assist Gavin at any moment. When he sees you, Gavin understands your intentions despite being worried

The STF receives an order from the higher ups to disregard the lives of the hostages, and go straight to quashing the situation. Gavin openly defies orders, choosing to safeguard the lives of everyone as a priority, and to negotiate with the gangsters

“I’ll take responsibility for all the consequences.”

During the confrontation with Yang Ping, Gavin uncovers Yang Ping’s true motive: to force the STF into harming someone in order to shatter the balance between civilians and Evolvers

Catching Gavin’s hint, you pretend that the negotiation went sour and that Yang Ping had injured you, turning the tides in your favour. After all, you’re simply an Evolver used as a chip in the negotiation. Yang Ping’s claim of “doing things with Evolvers in mind” no longer holds any weight

Because of this, the STF agents are given an opportunity to suppress the gangsters

Everything appears to be wrapped up smoothly, but the director is suddenly shot by a sniper. Yang Ping is also shot

Late at night, you spot Gavin standing below your house, braving the rain

Gavin seems to be experiencing complex emotions. To you, perhaps he was unable to fire every bullet for justice

Sensing that Gavin isn’t simply referring to the incident at the hospital, you tell him that you believe in his judgement

“I’ll find the truth behind this incident.”

Gavin also gives you an incredibly resolute response

A few days later, Gavin seems to have made up his mind. He tells you that he’s investigating an incident called “New Year’s Day Change”, and he needs your help

You agree immediately

Gavin has already contacted a key informant: an old ex-policeman. Because the forces behind the incident are incredibly complicated, he needs you to cooperate with him in putting on an act

“Miss Nox isn’t showing due respect by dampening one’s spirits the moment she enters.”

He needs those people who have been paying close attention to this incident to have a mistaken impression that he’s still searching for the old ex-policeman. In order to protect you, he needs you to leave his side

Gavin will be the target of scrutiny, while the eyes on you will slacken. You’ll use this opportunity to become the mode of communication between Gavin and his informants, safely assisting Gavin in advancing in his investigations

As the final step of this plan, Gavin pushes you off the top of a building

He appears determined in breaking off relations, while you're hesitant and powerless. But the both of you are clear that the plan is going as smoothly as imagined

“I’m the greatest danger.”

You know that Gavin is walking down his path resolutely. And you will naturally want to become the person standing beside him, walking down the same path

Through a report done by a member of Black Swan, you discover that the pathological changes in Evolvers are related to their Evol. You also realise that Helios seems to be investigating this matter

At the same time, Savin tells you that something has happened to Kiro, and he’s in the hospital. You immediately rush over, but you’re told that Kiro doesn’t want to see anybody

Across the door, you tell Kiro that you wish to see him. After a strange silence, he speaks slowly

“Thank you. You can go back.”

Behind the door, only Kiro knows the reason why he’s behaving strangely - due to a sonic bomb, he has lost his hearing

Kiro avoids you for many days, until he organises an exclusive “live concert” for you one evening. The next day, he’s finally willing to meet you. When you see that Kiro doesn't seem to have changed much, you relax a little, despite having many doubts

But in the evening, you receive a statement from him which says he’s “retiring from public life permanently”, and he vanishes

Knowing full well just how much he loves the stage, you decide to keep the matter hidden, attempting to look for him

Unexpectedly, you bump into Helios at the Black Swan building

“The person you’re looking for isn’t here.”

His cold attitude makes you understand that Kiro has turned himself into Helios. He’s hiding from you, and also himself

To have a better understanding of his actions, you look through the clues pertaining to him. When you investigate the Hunter Game again, a stone tablet with the symbol “8″ appears multiple times

In order to carry out a concrete investigation, you return to the forest where you had once participated in the Hunter Game, and search for that stone tablet

The moment you touch it, thorns and thistles grow on the stone tablet, cutting your hand and absorbing your blood. Before you can react, the ground underneath your feet opens. Just as you’re about to fall into the abyss, Helios saves you

Despite being faced with his icy attitude, you attempt to form a partnership with him to explore this place

In the dark, rays of light fluctuate into a message that neither of you can comprehend. 19, an artificial intelligence which remains here, enables you to understand that this place is a historical ruins left behind by the previous civilisation - “Lighthouse”

19 tells the both of you that their world was once as flourishing as it is right now, but it was destroyed. They left the “Lighthouse” behind in hopes of assisting the both of you in preventing the fated destruction

You and Helios also hear about the songs from that generation. Cultures and languages may not be the same, but music can cross barriers

When one song ends, Helios sings that melody in his own way, letting it echo in this time and space

"All of you still exist.”

After leaving the Lighthouse, you tell him that you’re going to continue with the investigations, and use your own method to tell Helios that you’re willing to face him, and would like to carrying out this operation with him. You hope that this time, he can walk towards you voluntarily

After returning, you receive a call from an unknown number

“It’s me.”

In order to investigate the Hunter Game further, you once again participate in the game as a punter

You do your best to search for the stone tablet in this game, but accidentally get targeted by two players. Just as you plan to fight with them, Shaw, whom you haven’t seen in several days, appears from behind you

The both of you cooperate, settling the score with the other two

“Tch. Not even one of you can fight.”

You tell him about the “Lighthouse”. Shaw, who has been researching on the historical ruins, guesses that the venue of the Hunter Game could be deliberately designed to be near the ruins. By using large amounts of Evol energy fluctuations, it could unseal the ruins

While the discussion has signs of a positive outcome, the two of you are still embroiled in the game

Shaw’s conspicuous ranking and high-key thunder and lightning have attracted numerous opponents to him. But with your cooperation, the enemies fail in succession

The metal chain around his neck notifies him that he has advanced into the next round, but he loses consciousness in your arms due to a fever

The youth who usually hangs around Joker appears before you. You use psychological tactics to goad him into sending Shaw to the hospital. On the other hand, you’re taken away by him for breaking the rules of the game repeatedly

When Shaw regains consciousness, he’s unable to contact you. He returns to the antique store, only to see that it has been swallowed up by an abnormal black flame

“Get lost!”

In spite of the firefighters’ obstructions, Shaw makes repeated trips into the shop, “rescuing” the calligraphy and paintings

By the time the fire is extinguished, the antique shop is already half scorched, as though it’s a warning

Based on the youth’s memories, you discover that Joker has once visited the former site of the BS research centre. In order to find out why, you hurry over

You inadvertently find that there’s someone in the archive room. Just as you're feeling tense, your phone suddenly rings - at 2.03pm, an unknown number calls you

The sound exposes you. Taking out a gun, you attempt to warn the person in the building

“I surrender.”

That person turns out to be Lucien, and he's holding a floppy disk in his hand

Lucien explains what he’s doing here, and even demonstrates how you can use the data in the floppy disk

A series of numbers flash on the screen before it turns dark

Having considered that this process of reading data is highly confidential, Lucien notes how they might have been watched earlier, and that it’s better to leave

However, you suddenly feel dizzy. In the next second, you find yourself in the corridor. The door to the archive room is shut tight, and you can’t see Lucien anyway

Even though you’ve clearly set your phone to silent mode, it rings again. The screen shows that it’s 2.03pm. It’s a missed call from an unknown number

Returning to the archive room, it’s as though Lucien didn’t meet you earlier

You surmise that you’re experiencing this for the second time, and Lucien believes you without hesitation, speculating that you might have been in a time loop

Just as he says, whenever a certain amount of time passes, everything returns to 2.03pm

Unexpectedly, but as a matter of course, Lucien believes you every single time. He analyses the situation with you, helping you escape from the time loop

After a few more time loops, Lucien figures out a way to escape

“This time, let me accompany you in jumping out of this looping time.”

Time requires an object of reference. You're at the centre of the time loop circle, and the compass drawing the circle is your phone

Because this phone is special, it doesn’t vanish when you leave it with Lucien. At the same time, in order to measure time, your phone reappears in your hand

Since one object cannot exist in two places at the same time, this results in a contradiction that causes time and space to collapse

The next day, you and Lucien meet along the corridor, and agree to go on a stroll outside

Even though many things are unclear, the radiance of spring before you makes everything seem as though they are going in a beautiful direction. You can’t help but mention the promise you once made with Lucien to fly kites

“Spring may not necessarily arrive at a fixed time.”

In a teasing manner, Lucien says that he isn’t late. You also think that perhaps many things can start afresh

All of a sudden, you feel a severe pain in your chest-

“Now, spring has just begun.”

The words Lucien just said have yet to disperse

At this moment, he’s holding your collapsed form. The only colour in his monochrome world is gradually fading

Volume 5 (Ch 14 - 17): here

More S2 content: here

A detailed translation of Gavin’s part is available here!

[linklethehistorian]

Randou and the Sins of Season 3's Fifteen Adaption (Part 46/???)

Bones' Biggest Changes & Greatest Failures — The Tragedy of Arthur Rimbaud (25/?)

Randou’s commentary on violence and its role in society near the beginning of this scene, in particular, is extremely insightful into these matters, as it makes for a very clear and easy entry point toward introducing you all to one of the biggest repeating themes regarding him over the course of the book — namely, the absurdly strong moral compass and values he holds despite his position as a high-ranking member of the Mafia — and, when paired with these other supporting words and actions from other segments, offers us a stunningly detailed glimpse into that very same unique mind and personality of his.

Save for this single exception of a character, it has always been made painstakingly clear that every even remotely notable character in the Port Mafia — or even the criminal underworld in general, for that matter — simply sees crime and violence as a way of life which, whether or not they are or were capable of recognizing that by average moral standards would be considered wrong, is still made wholly justifiable or perhaps entirely “correct” by whatever subjectively desirable results it produces.

Without doubt, the approach, attitude, and motive of each person within this category is varied in many ways; those like Akutagawa or Shibusawa seem not to care much at all for ‘morality’ or recognize it as holding any worth, caring instead only about if an action will get them closer or farther from their greatest personal desires, whereas those like Mori or Gogol do recognize their actions as being morally reprehensible and may even struggle with them to their own varying degrees but ultimately see them as more than warranted anyway by the outcomes they receive, whilst still others such as Fyodor or Ivan feel very little if any guilt over their ways and truly believe themselves to be in the right with what they do, but even so, at their core, they all share this one base philosophy in common — that circumstances either completely negate or otherwise overrule and outweigh any supposed wrongdoing to a point where it no longer matters.

Rimbaud, however, differentiates and distances himself from all of this by his very nature, always showing sound ethical judgement in the way he perceives the life and career choices of himself and others, and, despite also being more than capable of acknowledging that human greed will always result in someone in the world using such methods in order to get ahead of others and thus inspire others to retaliate in return, still makes no attempt to use this sad truth as an excuse to claim that war and violence are truly necessary for living and therefore made any less cruel, wrong, or reprehensible by proxy; instead, he denies this myth outright, striking it and the alibi it creates down right where it stands, at the very moment that the subject comes up.

In addition, he also refuses to take sides in terms of either laying the blame on ‘rival’ organizations for disputes, or placing the label of guilt upon his own, as he had so plainly stated back during the two teens’ visit with him in his mansion; no, on the contrary, though many others in the Port Mafia might, for the given example, lay claim that their group had the right of things in the long-standing war against Sheep and only acted in retaliation of a previous attack, Arthur himself actively avoids supporting this and thereby painting inaccurate mental images of black and white like those within the hearts of anyone who might ask his opinion, expressing that it is really only a matter of perspective as to which group was the most responsible — if indeed one of them was actually more guilty than the other to begin with — and that he had no interest in accusing either of them.

To him, people are not defined by where they have come from or the establishments to which they swear their allegiances, and so, consequently, seeing as that he treats every member of a given group as an individual rather than one part of a particular objectively moral or immoral whole, no company itself can or should ever be viewed as inherently ‘good’ or ‘evil’. You will never once in the real Fifteen see Randou call any organization wholly evil, nor will you really even see him bestow such a label upon any one person, either; you may hear him say, for example, that the current boss of GSS is a cold-hearted ability user, or that Mori has made the Port Mafia a much better place under his reign, but this is not remotely the same as saying that the Mafia and Gelhart Security Services or the aforementioned individuals who run them are, in and of themselves, thoroughly righteous or wicked.

It is only the deeds of an individual and the independent convictions that led to them — not the person behind the acts — that he is comfortable defining in such ways, and therein lies another crucial plot point which moves this story forward in innumerable ways: that Arthur, for all intents and purposes, does not think of others in terms of strictly ‘friend’ or ‘foe’; because all living beings are equal to him, regardless of their profession or place of origin, this means that, as far as he is concerned, there are no actual enemies in life, in the true sense of the word — only people whose missions are compatible with his, and people whose missions are not.

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[vi-olia]

Yuletide 2019 Letter

Dear Writer,

Hi! I am violia over on AO3 and viiolia here on tumblr.

I am so excited that you have been matched with me for this year’s Yuletide. This letter is intended to expand upon the small details that I gave you on the AO3 signup. If you’d prefer to not have any more details from me, then I understand! Good luck, thank you for writing in these small fandoms, and I can’t wait for the 25th!

On the other hand, if you’d like some more info from me, then please read on. What you’ll find here is a list of my likes and dislikes, and then a rundown of each of my requested fandoms, in which I explain why I love the characters and fandoms that I’ve chosen, so that you may get an idea of what I’d like to see in potential fics, without me just straight up telling you what to do.

ABOUT ME

Likes:

If there’s only one thing that you want to remember about me, please let it be this: at the end of the day, I will love any fic if it is driven by strong, well-thought-out characters and relationships.

Happy endings! I enjoy angst and hurt/comfort, but please let there be a happy ending for all.

Snappy dialogue.

I love canon! All these canons. I also like canon divergence and post-canon fics.  

Humour, romance, mystery, sci-fi, fantasy, drama, adventure, magical realism.

I generally enjoy fandom tropes, as long as they’re adapted to suit the specific characters and relationship dynamics. Friends-to-lovers, or 5+1 things, are two tropes that immediately come to mind. The same goes for AUs: I love an AU if there’s been good thought and worldbuilding put into how the specific characters and relationships would fit into a different canonical universe.

I love slash. All my requests contain characters that I love to ship together. I love smut and romance and getting-together fics and established relationship fics. But if slash really isn’t your thing - I won’t mind a gen or pre-slash story either. Again, at the end of the day, if the fic is driven by strong, interesting, emotional characters and arcs, whether in relationships or not, I will be loving it!

In terms of smut, I really enjoy (again, I’m a broken record) when it’s informed by the characters’ emotions/dynamics/relationship at that certain point in the story. I enjoy reading more vanilla smut and more kinky smut; specific likes include praise kink, consent play/dubcon (where it’s still clear that both parties have consented to this kink), body worship, semi-public sex (preferably close calls, or without being caught), tender sex, and rough sex (not too much actual pain though). My bookmarked works on AO3 can be pretty, uh, enlightening in terms of what smut I like to read. Also, this is pedantic but I prefer the word “come” rather than “cum”.

Dislikes/DNWs:

Animal and child abuse/death.

Character death, or characters with cancer/terminal illnesses.

Unhappy endings.

Horror, zombies, cannibalism, and extreme/non-canon-typical violence.

PWP. Don’t get me wrong - I love porn. But please have some plot in there!

De-aging.

Student/teacher relationships, and any circumstances/relationships/power dynamics where a main character is taking unfair or malicious advantage of another.

Rape.

Infidelity.

First person POV.

In terms of smut, I’m really not a fan of BDSM, scat, watersports, vomit, extreme humiliation, body horror, or bestiality.

BLACKKKLANSMAN Ron Stallworth, Flip Zimmerman

This film really got me good. Everything about it struck me - the message, the characters, the plot, the cinematography, the music. I quickly fell in love with Ron and Flip and the idea of those two becoming friends (or something more).

I love Ron Stallworth for his courage and wit. I love how he approaches life and people. He’s so open, low-key and easy to get along with. He’s not quick to judge anyone. Perhaps this stems partly from the time he spent at college. But I truly feel that if someone were to come out to Ron Stallworth, he would never discriminate against them. Maybe he’d need some time to fully understand. Maybe he’s needed some time to fully come to terms with his own sexuality. But he’s not one to judge. And he’s so smart and such a quick-thinker. And probably a little kinky, which I love. Okay I’ll stop rambling about Ron now.

Time to ramble about Flip instead. Flip Zimmerman: the Gruff, Quiet Romantic. I love how Flip can seem so immovable, always unfazed. He and Ron are similar, in this way. But Ron is way more in touch with his emotions, whereas Flip is not so much. Or maybe he is in touch with his emotions, but he just doesn’t often express them. I love that Flip needs to really trust someone before he lets them get close. He’s not quick to judge others, either, but I think he can certainly hold some judgements about himself, and out of the both of them, I’d say Flip would have more trouble coming to terms with his sexuality, or admitting his feelings for Ron. But oh boy - I think Flip would be fantastic in bed. Yes ma’am. Mmm… anyway.

One thing I’m very aware of is that being gay or exploring your sexuality was not totally fun or freeing in 1970s America. It came with a lot of serious dangers. Being outed could cost you your job, your safety, your family, and more. Writer, I would appreciate it very much if you could take this historical context into account. It directly informs whatever friendship/relationship Ron and Flip have. I would find it very difficult to feel immersed in a story about two men, one Jewish and one African-American, who are coming to terms with their feelings for one another, or entering into a romantic and/or sexual relationship with one another, or forging a close friendship with one another, if the story did not take into account the serious issues of racism and homophobia which pervade the era and setting of this film. (AKA, please don’t have them sitting in a public cafe holding hands, or something else that’s unrealistic for this time period.)

My preference for these two characters is clearly skewed towards slash. I would love to read about them forging a relationship, romantic or sexual or both. Maybe they go from friends to lovers, or they do the only fun thing there is to do in Colorado Springs and hike into the wilderness for a private moment. Or maybe they’re in an established relationship, and navigating their lives as a closeted gay couple who both work for the police department. Or maybe you think of something else entirely; I can’t wait. Alternatively, maybe you’d prefer to write gen or pre-slash instead, and in that case, please feel free. I would love reading about the growth of Ron and Flip’s friendship, or more of their time working together as police officers. Ultimately, I am just so excited to potentially receive a fic from you, for me, which I think is so special.

SATURDAY NIGHT LIVE RPF Colin Jost, Michael Che

Although the first year or two they spent as hosts of Weekend Update was fairly rocky at times, Colin Jost and Michael Che have really come into their own with this segment on SNL, and the hate comments I used to see on their videos a couple of years ago have almost all changed to comments of support and appreciations of their comedy. What makes them so good at this is their dynamic. They bounce off of either other constantly on the show, and they work so well together - they have to, in this job!

Michael Che is the one true trash fire that I know and love. What is he doing? I don’t know. I don’t think he knows either. And I love him for it. One thing that really stands out to me about Che is how good he is at comedy, and particularly stand-up. I can tell that he seriously puts a lot of thought and effort into his delivery. He makes it sound so effortless and off the top of his head, but in reality he is practiced and professional and knows his craft. His humour often comments on big issues like racism and gender, and I personally really enjoy this commentary-style comedy, where you can poke fun at everyone but also have a serious message to convey as well. Personality-wise, I love how Che is a selective over-thinker. He can be so overly conscious of some things, and so oblivious and apathetic about others. I think he might struggle, or has previously struggled with his sexuality; but I also think Colin makes him weak at the knees, and Che finds himself simultaneously wanting to take Colin on a date, and fuck him into the mattress, and run away and hide in another country, and fall asleep for three years, all at once.

Colin’s humour is more silly and less ‘controversial’ than Che’s. I don’t enjoy it less, just differently. Colin definitely has his life more together than Che does - or at least, is great at acting like he’s got his life together. I love that Colin is easygoing and quietly calm and confident, but beneath that, I think he struggles with some overthinking tendencies too. And sometimes he really doesn’t feel confident at all. I think he’s pretty in touch with his emotions, but when it comes to expressing them, sometimes he might just need a moment to get the right words. Especially if he’s nervous. But I love that Colin really likes Che. He finds Che so hilarious (and vice versa, of course). I love how Che can always make Colin laugh out loud, or do his cute little smile that’s a twist of his lips. I love that they can bounce off each other in progressing a joke to the point where it seems like they’re the only two people in the room.

Truly, I think they’re both trash fires in their own ways. I think it’s a minor miracle if they get together, because they’re both second-guessing themselves at some point, and they both treasure their friendship so incredibly much. But that’s why I love them so much - because of how closely tied together they are. They truly value each other in their lives. They are best friends and close confidants and they’ve gone through a lot together.

I love reading about Colin and Che and their lives working at SNL. The work week is incredibly hectic at that show - even more so now that Colin and Che are head writers, as well as managing and appearing in their own segment. I find the whole cast of SNL fascinating and hilarious, and I think a lot of people romanticise what it might be like to work in such a demanding job with such a close-knit community of people. I think who they are at this point in time is tied very closely with their jobs, especially because they work together. If you’re writing a story or some scenes that take place at SNL, I don’t mind if you include other SNL cast members in passing interactions, for the sake of verisimilitude.

Writer, I would love it if you could just pretend that Colin Jost is not engaged to Scarlett Johansson. Or if there’s another way you want to deal with that, then go for it. Please just heed my DNWs: no infidelity, and no unhappy endings. Other than that, I’m so excited about any story you have about these two guys. I clearly ship them together; I’d love to see some aspect of their relationship, maybe getting together or in an established relationship, maybe during the SNL season or something they get up to during their summer holidays. If you’re more of a gen or pre-slash writer, I totally understand - just their dynamic as it is now, as friends who bounce off one another and get on each others’ nerves but ultimately understand each other on a deeper level than anyone else around them, is so interesting and entertaining for me to watch and I’d love to read more of it.

Side note: Colin and Che did an advertisement for Red Nose Day on the Weekend Update desk in which Kate McKinnon, in an old-lady character that I think embodies all of fandom, lobbies for them to kiss. Colin kisses Che on the cheek, but Che was totally ready for a peck on the lips. THIS VIDEO IS MAYBE POSSIBLY REQUIRED VIEWING FOR THESE CHARACTERS. Search their names + Red Nose Day on Youtube to find it; requires a VPN if you’re not based in the USA.

LEGALLY BLONDE Elle Woods, Vivian Kensington

I have two words for you. LAWYER WIVES. Or law student wives. That’s more than two words, but you get the idea.

A couple of months ago, I rewatched Legally Blonde for the first time in many years. My biggest takeaway from this viewing? ELLE AND VIVIAN NEED TO DITCH THOSE GROSS GUYS AND JUST GET TOGETHER INSTEAD. Seriously! Warner is a sexist and self-absorbed asshole. Both Elle and Vivian deserve so much better… aka, each other.

The biggest thing I love about Elle Woods is her positive and caring attitude. She rarely lets things get her down, nor does she fall into self-pity. And Vivian Kensington just screams smol baby gay to me and I adore her for it. Please can someone (Elle) walk into Vivian’s life and pull her out of the humdrum of repetitive, lame, often orgasm-less intercourses with self-absorbed men and into the beautiful world of women pleasuring other women one, two, three times over. But also I do love how Vivian puts on a strong, confident face and is so dedicated to her studies and career but you can tell, beneath all that, she’s still figuring all this stuff out.

I think Vivian can learn a lot from Elle about how to let go, have fun, and most of all, how to be more considerate of others; I think Elle can learn a lot from Vivian about discipline, duty, responsibility, and the more realistic/gritty aspects of being a lawyer. I think that together, these two women could balance each other out incredibly well. They could learn and grow together and support each other.

I think Elle’s naïveté could sometimes get annoying, especially to someone like Vivian, who is incredibly knowledgeable, realistic and down-to-earth. But that’s not to say that Elle is not those things as well. And in fact, I think Vivian can be quite naive herself when it comes to emotions and relationships; this is an area she’s not totally confident in. It’s pretty clear that Vivian’s internalised some sexist and misogynistic attitudes (see: slut-shaming Elle when she was sexually harassed by Callahan). I think Vivian’s jump to conclusions here can also be attributed to her tendency to act first, and ask questions later; she’s quicker to judge others than Elle is.

I hope this whole bunch of random thoughts I have about these characters gives you some idea of why I love them so much. What I’ve written here leans more towards femslash; but please know that, if you prefer to write gen, I would of course gladly accept any gen fic that you gift me. Because it’ll be from you, to me! And that is something so special and exciting. At the end of the day, I just want to read about these two characters growing closer together, whether that be in a friendship or relationship.

Note: if you want to include Emmett and/or Warner in some capacity, I don’t mind, just as long as the main focus of the story is on Elle and Vivian. Tbh I think Elle and Emmett would be awesome best friends.

[wisdomrays]

ACTION AND THOUGHT

The line of struggle followed by the righteous people to whom God promised the future of the world may be summed up in two words: action and thought. In fact, the way to true existence is action and thought, and likewise the way to renewal, individual and collective. It may even be said that every being is the product of certain movements and disciplines and its continuance depends on the same.

Action should be the most indispensable element or feature of our lives. Even at the cost of many losses, we should take on necessary responsibilities and strive in action and thought continually to realize them. If we are unable to initiate action in the direction of our essential beliefs and concepts, we will inevitably fall under the influence of others and be carried away by the way of their actions and ideas, always reacting at the mercy of their initiatives.

Inertia and futile pessimism in the face of the events around us mean consenting to melt away like ice dropped in hot water. Such consent invites dissolution of the linked elements which make up our essence. It is passive submission to any formation alien or adverse to our essential identity. Those who desire the competence to remain truly themselves, should seek it wholeheartedly and with all their strength, and try to realize it in actual life. Existence and its continuance depend upon an inner tension and cohesion which (if authentic) will never decay; they require resistance, power, and the appropriate intellectual and spiritual equipment.

We should know how to be ourselves and then remain ourselves. That does not mean isolation from others. It means preservation of our essential identity among others, following our way among other ways. While self-identity is necessary, we should also find the ways to a universal integration. Isolation from the world will eventually result in annihilation. We must have nothing to do with ambitions such as realization of self-interests or attitudes that concentrate on selfish desires. Contentment for a man of true thought and action lies in the contentment of the whole being, in this world and the next. Therefore, he never conceives of restricting the sphere of activism to any particular time or space. Rather, he pursues goals that encompass all time and space. For this reason, he never considers any happiness restricted as to time or space or segment of creation as true happiness.

Action in this context then means embracing the whole of creation with full sincerity and resolve, aware of journeying to an eternal realm through the corridors in creation and equipped with a power from that infinite, eternal realm; it means expending all one's physical, intellectual and spiritual faculties in guiding the world to undertake the same journey.

As for thought, it is action in one's inner world. Any truly systematic thinking entails seeking answers to all questions arising from the existence of the universe as such. In other words, truly systematic thinking is the product of a conscious mind relating itself to the whole of creation and seeking the truth in everything through its language.

It is by means of thought that man's spirit becomes intimate and familiar with creation and continuously deepens through learning and experience. Escaping from the illusions and narrow confines of a mind only preoccupied with earning a livelihood, the spirit awakens to the absolute truths which never mislead. In other words, true thinking is equivalent to self purifying, to preparing in oneself room for metaphysical experiences. The last stage of thought is active thinking.

The basic dynamic of our life of action and thought is our spiritual life, which is based on our religious values. Just a rose-bud turned towards light unfurls into an elaborate flower, so we, in the past, appeared as a great nation in the historical and international arena after we turned towards and embraced our religion. This overall self-attainment caused our potentials to develop and secured our existence for centuries. Again, just as our existence and self-attainment depend on attachment to our religion and its values, our integration with the whole of creation requires the same, as was the case in the past. Indeed, every act of a believer is worship, his every thought self-disciline, his every speech a supplication expressing his degree of knowledge of God, his every observation a research, and his relations with others a grounding in love and compassion. Spirituality of such degree and quality requires both intuition and logic, rationality and enlightenment and being open to Divine inspirations. In other words, it is difficult to realize unless experience is examined by reason, and reason accepts the authority of Divine guidance, and logic becomes identical with love, and love is transformed into love of God. Once spirituality of this degree is attained, sciences become a beam of light in the hand of inspiration which reaches everywhere, and the results of sense-experience and experimental knowledge become a prism reflecting the meaning of existence. Then, everything resounds with knowledge of God, love and songs of spiritual joy.

Those who are planning the happy world of the future should be aware that what kind of world they mean to build, what sort of jewels they should use in its construction, so that they will not have, later, to destroy with their own hands what their own hands built. Equipped with rational thought and religious values and historical dynamics, they should know how to apply the principles of the Qur'an and Sunnah and the judgements derived from them by conscientious scholars, to the world they intend to build. They should never be given over to carnal appetites and temporary aspirations. They should aim purely at gaining God's approval and strictly preserve the purity of their intention. They should never neglect to perform their religious duties: in prayers and supplications they should be aware that they are before One Who is nearer to them than themselves. They should do their prescribed prayers in the awareness that prayers are the believer's means of 'ascension'. They should fast for the pleasure of going to the 'union' with God. They should pay their alms-taxes in an attitude of returning to their rightful owner the goods entrusted to their keeping for a time. And they should the Hajj conscious of attending an international conference at which the problems of all the world's Muslims will be exposed and discussed in a place where the spirit can observe and experience the luminosity and awe of the higher realms of existence.

However, the realization of such noble aims depends on the existence of guides and leaders able to both diagnose our external and inner misery and to be themselve in constant relation with the higher worlds. There have always been and will always be such guides who have built all the true civilizations and they will again carry, by God's Will and Power, all movements of revival to victory. With their world of thought encompassing the material and spiritual, the physical and metaphysical, and philosophy and gnostic knowledge, those guides and leaders, who are perfectly aware of the requirements of time and circumstances, will develop new doctrines of law based on the Qur'an and Sunnah, integrate regional features with Islamic universals, inject a new spirit and give a new meaning to art, and unite what is modern with the traditional. Thus, all the institutions of life will be remoulded and the coming generations provided with knowledge, skills and profound spirituality. Streets will become like school corridors, prisons (if any) will change into buildings of education and houses will be transformed into palaces of Paradise. Sciences will progress hand-in-hand with religion, and belief and reason combined will yield ever-fresh fruits of their cooperation. In short, the future will witness a new world built in the arms of hope, belief, love, knowledge, and resolve, a world more content and prosperous than the utopias dreamed of in the West.

No one should argue that we are far from such a world. Who knows? We may be on its threshold. The whole of mankind will see, in a near future, what other 'suns' will be born from the 'womb' of the night before the day breaks.

[irispublishersfashion]

Iris Publishers_Journal of Textile Science & Fashion Technology (JTSFT)

An Alternative Approach to Sustainable New Fashion Consumption: Shopping in the Retail ‘Waste’ Economy

Authored by Lisa S McNeill

Abstract

The fashion and textile industry, at all levels, is a major contributor to social and environmental issues worldwide. Negative impacts of fashion span the entire lifecycle of a garment, from manufacture to consumer disposal, with all channel participants, including those tasked with legislature of the industry, contributing to the detrimental effects of clothing on the world. In response to this critical problem, a movement of fashion and textile producers and retailers who promote their goods as ‘ethical’ or ‘sustainable’ in production, process or human resource has emerged. Further, consumers of fashion and textile goods are questioning fast fashion’s dominance and practices and are less motivated to purchase products that recognized as ‘unsustainable’. However, despite this apparent concern regarding the industry generally, actual purchase behavior, unsustainable textile production and garment disposal continues to increase around the world. This paper thus considers the complexity of the problem from a consumer change perspective, offering a conceptualization of a consumer education model concerning fashion and textile choice in the modern world.

Keywords: Fast fashion; Conscious consumption; Retailing; Sales and marketing; Consumption ethics

Introduction

This paper takes a conceptual approach, combining current literature perspectives with findings of previous studies to develop a model of consumer change. Insights from extant theory are thus combined with secondary analysis of depth interview data collected on this topic over a five-year period. The resultant model is then critiqued in a reflexive fashion, considering the application of theory to practice. Lastly, a future direction for consumer change action is proposed, in reference to the fashion and textile industry. The core research question that directs this paper is: How can stubborn high-volume fashion consumers be educated to moderate their consumption behavior toward a more sustainable future?

Theoretical Framing

Sustainability and fashion are often seen as two contradictory terms; the former is concerned with longevity, the latter defined by increasingly short lifecycles. There are also significant public calls for consumers to reduce their consumption of well-known fastfashion brands and for the fashion industry generally to counter the massive textile waste problem the world is facing. China, USA, EU and India are the World’s top 4 global greenhouse gas emitters and they are also the World’s top 4 garment producers by volume [1]. However, the problem is not one of production and manufacturing alone. Approximately 15 percent of consumer used clothing is recycled, whereas more than 75 percent of pre-use textile is recycled by the manufacturers [2]. Global clothing production doubled from 2000 to 2014. The average person buys 60 percent more items of clothing every year and keeps them for about half as long as 15 years ago [3].

Fashion textiles can be defined as items of adornment that are culturally recognized and symbolic [4]. The acquisition of garments is thus closely linked to notions of economic, social or cultural capital [5]: ‘When I am out alone, I am much more controlled than when I am shopping with others. I guess then [buying fashion] is a social activity and therefore fun . . . Impulsive purchases have a lot to do with [my friends]’ [6]. Materialistic practices are thus a necessity of the process of identity construction and redefinition for many consumers, but particularly for young adult consumers: ‘I find that I buy clothes to look cool and to fit into whatever trend is in at that time. People judge people by what they wear and group them, so I dress to what group I want to be in’; ‘At this point in your life [youth] it is important to look good. [We] are on show . . . Everyone is judging everyone’. The marketing of clothing is therefore concerned with control over identity markers and the communication of a predetermined vision of ‘self’ to the consumer – this vision of self often one of constant change in response to fashion trends and cycles: ‘I find that I buy clothes to look cool and to fit into whatever trend is in at that time. People judge people by what they wear and group them, so I dress to what group I want to be in’ [6].

Fashion is an artefact of the extended self, and fashion items are used to develop, express and confirm identity socially [7]. This often means that large volumes of fashion products are consumed, with little conscious intention toward re-use or longevity. The very lifestyles of consumers supporting the acquisition of even more fashion-wealth: I have a very, very large number of dresses, like 21st [birthday] kind of dresses, and I don’t need them all, and every time I go shopping I will buy another one . . . you don’t want to be in the same dress in all the [social networking] photos’ [6]. When items of consumption are used to express identity, strong emotional attachments develop [8]. This attachment explains not only the significance of fashion goods in the lives of many consumers, but also highlights one of the key barriers to consumption behavior change: “I like to put effort into the way I dress, as I believe dressing well will have positive effect on how people receive me”; “I tend to purchase pieces that represent who I am and tell others about my personality” [9].

People are said to have become more aware of social responsibilities and concern for the impact that their consumption behavior will have on the world [10]. Much of this is driven by consumer notions of social categorization linked to observation and judgement of others – particularly among young consumers: ‘you couldn’t wear the same thing to class every day, or people would notice, because you are with them every day’; [It is] “very easy to compare yourself and if you feel underdressed in comparison, then I find that I actually do become quite conscious of what I am wearing [11]. Even generally understood topics, such as labor practice, don’t always influence behavior: “I’m very anti it, but there’s different levels of that labor now, and some of the people in it are happy. Like, they really wouldn’t have a job anywhere else. Well, not happy, but they’ve got to feed their families, so I guess they’re happy enough” [11]; “I mean I’ve heard of companies that have been accused of it before, Like Nike and Gap and those stores, but I don’t really think that in [my country] it reaches this far. But I guess it probably does, but [no] I don’t think it is something that influences me to be honest” [11].

Consuming fashion sustainably is a complex area, and definitions of sustainability suited to manufacture may not be suited to that of consumer use of fashion products. A definition of sustainable consumption suited to the perspective of the end consumer was suggested by Haugestad AK [12], who proposed that:

“our consumption pattern is sustainable if all world citizens can use the same amount of basic natural and environmental resources per capita as you do, without undermining the basis for future generations to maintain or improve their quality of life”

This definition highlights the critical areas of fashion consumption by end users where unsustainable practices warrant attention – that of over-consumption and disposal practices of clothing consumers.

Textile research focuses on sustainability has provided the world with novel alternatives to traditional fabrics, including plantbased textiles, plant-based leathers, recycled plastics (gathered from the ocean) and textiles designed to break down safely at disposal. However, rise in popularity of the sustainable clothing brand is contradicted by the actions of large segments of consumer in regard to the bulk of their fashion purchasing [13]: “I just feel that I need to update my clothes to get with the latest trends”; “after seeing fashion, you want to be a bit more funky and cooler with your fashion choices”; “It plays on your mind a bit and sort of frustrates you a wee bit that your current wardrobe doesn’t quite live up to that” [9].

Contributing to this gap between attitude and behavior, many consumers have limited awareness of the environmental impacts of clothing. Further, these consumers feel unable to make sustainable clothing choices, and have a lack of knowledge regarding ethical fashion: “I think that that is one of the biggest issues in sustainability, it’s that whatever decision you make, there will always be things that are acting against it. It is very difficult to evaluate information that is given, because obviously there is smoke and mirrors and lots of things in there, so how do you make decisions that are absolute?; “I feel slightly empowered [when I purchase sustainable fashion], but I realize it’s mostly a marketing gimmick. Companies realize there are neo-hippie liberals, like me, out there with pockets full of money wanting to make the ‘sustainable purchase’, so they develop general standards of sustainability to make me feel justified in purchasing their products. But I realize that any purchase I make goes against sustainability because purchase is an act of consumption and consumption is the antithesis of sustainability” [11]. Hence, the market for sustainable fashion products is small relative to other fashion categories [10].

For More Open Access Journals in Iris Publishers Please click on: https://irispublishers.com/   For More Articles in Journal of Textile Science & Fashion Technology https://irispublishers.com/jtsft/

For More Information: Iris Publishers

[al-the-photographer-blog]

Everyone’s Peggy: Threats to Seeing.

This space is static. There is little to no movement. The movement that does occur is directly related to mobile phone usage. Eye contact between patients is kept minimal. Heads are locked onto their phones or on the television screen; fixations are controlled by artificial movement. The only desirable eye contact is between the patient and the nurse that beckons them into the next room. The twiddling of thumbs, texting messages to family or friends, accompanied by an obligatory glance towards the phone’s housing; whether it be pant packet, hoodie pouch, or carry-on bag. Outside of that codependency, the occasional side-ways glance is done in secret. That was my way in.

Animals that Saw Me, a photobook by Ed Panar, is one of the biggest references I could draw off of after completing this activity. In the book, Panar creates a visual narrative discussing the fleeting, face-to-face interactions that people have with animals. I make the comparison, between staring at animals and staring at other people, because I think that it touches on the animalistic inclinations that humans retain. The fight or flight instinct, for example, uses staring as a way of preparation. The person or animal takes in the immediate threat through visual context and acts accordingly. Staring, in this context, is as a natural, animalistic instinct. An archaic inclination passed on from human ancestors. 

While not all of the images could address the concept of staring, I do believe it to be an interesting gesture on how the staree and starer can be swapped. This addresses aspects of the power dynamic, but in this case you’re never quite sure who instigates (starer) the action and who submits (staree) to it. Of the many observations I had while sitting in a waiting room and performing the act of staring, the power dynamic between the two characters was the most obvious. To me, staring is violating and is used only to manipulate the staree into a submissive status. Garland Thompson reflects on the aspects of intensity associated with staring on page 14. 

“We speak of “staring daggers,” “penetrating looks,” “piercing eyes,” “riveting glances,” and “looking somebody up and down.” Such phrases reflect the intensity of being on either side of a staring encounter” (Garland, p. 14).

My observations substantiate Garland-Thompon’s discussion of staring because they exemplify many of the key points outlined in the reading. There are two or more characters being activated in this position. Me, as the starer, have observed the power dynamic at play and the responsibilities that are enacted from that position. After hesitantly establishing an visual confrontation, outside of any consideration for the staree’s comfort or vulnerabilities, I attempted to tame the world with my eyes; jumping innocuously from one waiting room to the next. Of course, this interaction isn’t complete without certain fulfillments. The staree must submit or acknowledge the starers advances through some sort of reactionary impulse. This could be a hand shooting up to cover their face, a surprised jitter, a reluctant smile, or a hostile glare. No matter the outcome, this ballet performs until climax or ceases to provide stimuli. This is where the starer’s role intensifies and his/her duties to the staree become paramount. What goals are going to be met through this? What did I want them to see from me? What did I want them to know from me? How best to communicate this through eye contact alone? The patience of waiting for the right person to sit down and motivating them to talk, none of this should seem foreign to anyone. However, remembering the goals for each conversation once the line has been cast, is both the most difficult part of this conversation and the part with the biggest responsibility.     

The context specific prohibition against looking that I had intended to explore, was photographing in a private office space, but I found myself fighting against the compulsion to stare. So, instead of trading one for the other, I did both; staring and photographing. There are a number of power relationships at play while staring in a health clinic. In the waiting room environment, there is an all-too-often overlooked, but very much so present overseer in the form of surveillance footage. The hierarchy of surveillance is a  prevalent, pervasive threat to the staree and starer. This outlier interferes with the accessibility that a communal stare indoctrinates. The other prohibition, in this context, is the HIPPA agreement made between patients and healthcare providers. HIPPA is a United States legislation that provides data privacy and security provisions for safeguarding medical information. This safeguards against, but is not limited to data breaches, restrictions on access, broadened security measures, and patient interactions within the facility. I was unaware that photography interferes with those measures at the time. 

 What is disturbing about this interaction is that it is one sided, invasive, and mostly unsolicited. After two hours in the waiting room, hearing the names being called into the next room, listening to the medical procedures the television played on repeat, I successfully talked to 3 people about this area. John, April, and Emilio. The fourth and final person I talked to was the one who escorted me out of the building, but not before asking me to delete the photographs on my camera and requesting my full name for their records. Her alias was Peggy, but her actual name, after gathering further information on her immigration, was Ndidi. 

April was the first person I began to have a visual conversation with. She’s a bold, middle-aged women. She wore pink leopard print, unicorn slippers, and had pinkish-purplish semi-permanent hair colorization. She entered and sat at the furthest end of the waiting room, which looked more like a hallway with chairs. April was figgety, so establishing prolonged eye-contact with her wasn’t easy. 

As I stared, I noticed more and more of April’s features. Her skin was a deep tan, almost leathery texture with countless freckles. I took her picture in secret without asking for her permission. Soon after, I asked from across the room,

“What’re ya in for,” this question startled her out of her trance, looking up towards me with an almost lifeless reaction. Her face scrunched up and she replied with a loud and  puzzled,

“Huuhhhh?!”

I repeated my question from across the room. Her response was a waving of her dainty hand and a rolling of her head round in a clockwise direction. She replied, 

“I been comin’ here for months, lady. They ain’t found nothin’ on me yet worth talkin’ bout,” she continued looking downward, “it’s--been a long road, hah.” She chuckled to herself and half-smiled looking back up at me. 

“I’m Alyssa--er, Al for short.” I chortled waving at her with, what I would consider, a long distance handshake. 

“Oh, we’re givin’ names now,” she quipped questioningly. 

“I’m April--don’t ‘ave any nicknames, but I like the one you got. Sounds funky and for a girl with green ‘air, I’m sure that’s was your--ahaha--goin’ for.” She laughed and then I accompanied her. We conversed in segments. I told her about the picture I had taken of her and she laughed again, saying that she would have never noticed. I asked how this made her feel and she said ‘ain’t no harm if I didn’ see no foul’. John walked in about 8 minutes after April. 

John is a middle-age man, but with more seasoning than April. He wore a black t-shirt, blue jeans, and black nikes. He had in airpods and didn’t look like the type of person who enjoyed casual conversation. *note* I’m not making these judgements in real time, I’m only including this information to better visualize the character John made little to no eye-contact outside of his phone’s screen. Occasionally, he would glance upward at the television or around at the faculty when they would meander around the sides of the waiting room hallway. I continued to stare at him, without reciprocated fixation, until one of his wandering glances met mine. Then, another latched on to me without lingering for much longer than the first. Frustrated, I took out my camera and took a picture of him looking back down on his screen. Unhappy with the angle of the image on my LCD screen preview, I took another image. John looked up, but not in time to see my camera angled towards him. Enthused by his reaction, I took another exposure and he looked up to meet my stare as the camera pulled away from my face. He pulled out his airpods without looking away from me as I continued to stare back. Once out, he blinked and the corners of his mouth curled up into a smile; the kind of smile you don’t expect to receive from someone who looks and acts so unamused or bored in a public environment. As he smiled, he laughed quietly, and half-whispered,

“Whaaat--are--you doing, aha,” his shoulders drooped over while he leaned toward my direction anticipating an answer of some sort. If the charisma in his voice didn’t prompt me into talking, his body language did. He sat legs open, arms on his lap, and his face jutting out towards me in some comical fashion. 

“I was just--uh--staring at you, but you--well it’s for an assignment in my class, but, uh, you didn’t respond to that. Sooo--”, I replied scatter-brained and eager to get him to talk to me, “I took your picture instead while you were looking around to get your attention. I hope it wasn’t rude or anything. I just, wanted to see what you had to say about everything.” Everything? Really, Al?

John smiled, his head twirled upwards with his eyes as he shook it there. When his eyes came back to mine, he continued. 

“Man, I thought I came into the psych ward or something for a sec. You had me scared!” Me and him both laughed, then I asked him why he felt like he was in a psych ward, how the staring made him feel, and why he averted it so much. He said that staring made him feel paranoid or uncomfortable. He said that he wasn’t equipped to handle that type of conversation on this day and that his brain was more so acting to get him ready for his doctor’s appointment. He was overcompensating and he hated doctor’s visits.

Here, we could begin to discuss some of the points outlined in Daniel Segal’s Can You Tell a Jew When You See One?. Here, Segal substitutes the word stereotypes for typifications, which was originally coined by Alfred Schutz. In the essay, he elaborates on problems relating to prejudice, stereotyping or typifications, and how their social construction delegitimizes sensory perception. Sensory perception cannot be the reason for issuing a typification. Social jurisdiction operates to define the terms that we then give onto people from other cultural background or descent because it operates like a machine; giving titles, descriptions, and names to people, places, and things. To exercise what was learned from this essay, I’m taking precautions not to undermine John’s character.  Now, John is not like me. His skin is olive toned and he is male. That doesn’t necessarily mean that he’s from African descent nor that his descent effects his character, but his physical makeup does characterize visible attributes. The segment of the essay that I am referring to most directly is on page 238, paragraph three. 

“Take the case of whether a person is or is not “African American.”[...] the facts about this matter of identity, independent of a person’s ‘looks,’ are located in ancestry[...] Consider, in other words, the possible outcomes of discrepancies or incongruities between visual signs of identity and a person’s knowable ancestry.[...] Thus, by social conjuring trick--one that alters who it is who is known to have African-American ancestors-the incongruity of white-looking African-Americas is removed from the world that appears before our eyes. The Statistical correlation is tightened, in this cay by exploiting the instability of the supposedly fixed facts about whether someone is or is not ‘African-American’” (Segal, pg. 238).

As I entered into the facilitation of this assignment, I’ve taken precautions to understand typifications, how they operate and how to avoid them in descriptive narratives. That being said, John was comfortable enough to discuss stereotypes with me. He said that he and his family have felt the effects, but that they’ve been subdued by political correctness, informative outreach programs, and efforts in diversity and inclusion. When asked about micromanagement over the situation--in communities, schools, etc.--he said that perseverance is above all else the most paramount.

 Emilio was received in the waiting room, along with his grandparents and mother, while John and I were talking. 

Proud of my accomplishments thus far, I grew more confident and actively starred at Emilio. I glanced towards his family occasionally, but kept persistent contact on the child. The mother, persuaded by my eye contact, beckoned me over to sit with the family. I asked her about her son. Her heavy, latin accent generated a language barrier, but she still allowed me to interact with the child. He looked to be about 7. Everytime I starred, he unabashingly returned my glances with an assumed childish demeanor. I got his name after many attempts at explaining and gesturing to myself to receive an answer. 

Why are children open to acts of starring more so than adults? Is this exception related to childhood development and the absence of socially constructed expectations? Presumably, the answer relies on the age of the child and their experiences with public or social media environments. 

I was called into the doctor’s office for my scheduled appointment shortly after talking with Emilio and his family. The visit was conducted as usual. My blood results came back normal. The lumbar puncture confirmed that I had an inflammatory disease which would require medication and future consultations. During our intermissions, where the doctor or nurse would leave the room, I would photograph the room. After I received my prescriptions, I was told that I could leave.

The confrontation with Peggy occurred while I was making my escape from the clinic. Peggy found me attempting to make my way out of the labyrinth of halls that made up the facility. Deliberately walking up to me, she told me that the exit was in the opposite direction. 

“Ma’am, the exit is this way,” she said as she pointed in the opposite direction. 

“Oh,” I replied, “thank you, I’m sorr--” she interrupted my apology mid sentence.

“I haff been meaning to ask you where did you get dat camera and what are you doing in this place wit it?” She interrogated me in a foreign accent while pointing at my camera and the surrounding walls. 

“I am a patient here and I was just taking pictures to check my camera’s settings, y’know? Staying loose, that’s all,” I replied trying to sound as genuine as possible. She wasn’t amused by my response at all. 

“Noooooo! You cannot do dat ‘ere. This is a medical facility. That is wrong, very wrong. You cannot do dat ‘ere with other patients privacy. We have people who come in to take pictures for us when we need it...[--]” she rambled on about issues concerning privacy, of which, I was aware of, but didn’t think any of my images infringed upon patient privacy. 

“--So, I need to delete my images. Is that what you’re saying,” I interrupted her, “There’s really nothing too invasive with these images, I swear. I’m aware of privacy laws regarding media, but there’s really nothing in here that could come back to you guys. I’d be more than happy to agree to a release form or some kind of disclosure or no compensation agreement” I pulled out the camera with the LCD screen pointed up to show her the images. In preview, I went through the pictures to show her each one carefully. None of them were impressive. Most of them were still frames of objects found in the waiting room and consultation; a chair leg coming in contact with the ground, a stack of pamphlets on nesting table, a rolling chair, doctor’s instruments, John looking down at his ph---oh no.... Peggy was outraged. 

“See!! That is a patient, that is no good! You delete all of those images right now. You cannot do that! Can’t you see how that is wrong?! Delete everything,” She commanded. 

“Everything?” I questioned, but it didn’t more than a glance to realize her anger and bewilderment. I dutifully obliged and deleted every image I had taken from my duration with her head lingering over my shoulder. Still, I felt determined to question her further. 

“What is so wrong with photographs? The camera isn’t a weapon, ya’know. Besides, there are people taking images with their phones irregardless of privacy standards. I feel like the only reason you’re targeting me is because my camera is ostentatious and unconcealable. Besides, I asked this patient if it was ok after I took the shot.” I continued to argue my point while deleting the images. It only angered Peggy. 

“There,” I said, “all deleted.” 

“Good, but don’t you see how it is wrong to do that?” she, once again, asked. I had already replied to this question twice and didn’t feel like answering it again. I just kept to myself and allowed her to continue. At this point, I felt like a vacuous child being lectured into the ground. Did I feel remorse? Undoubtedly, I felt it, but the fact that I could reconcile with this women plagued me with more, unsurmountable guilt than anything else. What does it mean to be a photographer, to have a degree and uphold certain values, if I can’t convince someone otherwise about its nature? Peggy touched on the small of my back, erging me to exit the facility. Before leaving she had one final question, that I didn’t feel the need to answer after considering the negative connotations involved in the conversation.

“What is name for our records?”

“Oh, I can’t give you that,” I replied solidarily and exited the clinic doors. 

Upon looking back, I realize now that Peggy’s confrontation-in particular-illuminates more on the prohibitions of seeing; as well as legal/moral issues involved. Peggy was obligated to stop and lecture me on the legality of the situation. Her duty, in that respect, was to act according to protocol. When I tried to reconcile the situation-albeit-in a frivolous, panicked manner, I was met with more of the same lecture. We didn’t see eye-to-eye on the situation. In a more diplomatic conversation, I could see the conversation being more successful. However, Peggy instigated her side of the conversation with much more emotionally involved gravitas that it overwhelmed me; it brainwashed me into contrition before I could even begin to build my side of the argument. 

Binding, legal implications have power over ways of seeing just as much as emotional jurisdiction does or even an acceptance of conversation. Communication is a two way street. Both sides have to be willing to receive and contribute to the discourse. I’ve never photographed in a health care facility. I’ve been advised not to and was aware of the complexities involved both legally and morally. Why did I do it? I did it because I thought I could maybe reason with someone if I got caught or share information about the artform that means so much to me, but retains a heavy stigma in the public eye. 

The biggest threat to seeing, in any way, is cowardice. Summoning up the courage to seek discomfort, to be vulnerable, and to be forthright on the discoveries made after the fact, is the key to seeing behind walls; even when you meet someone like Peggy. 

“To see things thousands of miles away, things hidden behind walls and within rooms, things dangerous to come to, to draw closer, to see and be amazed” (Secret Life of, 2013).

Works Cited

Kuku, David. Unknown. n/a.

Panar, Ed. Animals That Saw Me. Vol. 1, Spaces Corners, 2011.

Segal, Daniel. “Can You Tell a Jew When You See One?” Judaism: A Quarterly Journal of Jewish Life and Thought, vol. 48, no. 2, 1999, pp. 234–238.

Stiller, Ben, et al. The Secret Life of Walter Mitty. Amazon Prime Video, 201th Century Fox, 5 Oct. 2013.

“What Is Staring?” Staring: How We Look, by Rosemarie Garland-Thomson, Oxford University Press, 2015, pp. 13–17.

[marginalgloss]

sax and violins

I was a great fan of The Luminaries by Eleanor Catton when I read it a couple of years ago. It briefly became one of those books about which I would enthuse to anyone I came across, so it was probably only a matter of time before I picked up the first novel by the same author, The Rehearsal. While it shares some of the keen ambition with the other book, the two could not be more different. This is a novel so entirely out of step with most trends in modern fiction that I was constantly surprised to be reading it at all. 

At first it reads like two books within a single volume. The first is presented as a series of encounters between a saxophone teacher (unnamed) and her young female students, and occasionally their parents. The second follows a young man who decides to join a drama college after leaving school. For a while, it seems like these have little to do with one another. Even the style is different: the saxophone teacher’s dialogues play out like strange little therapy sessions, with little in the way of music except for in the curious strains of the deliberately implausible conversations. This, from the very first page, gives a taste of what is to come:

‘The clarinet is tadpole to the sax, can you see that? The clarinet is a black and silver sperm, and if you love this sperm very much it will one day grow into a saxophone.’

‘…At present your daughter is simply too young. Let me put it this way: a film of soured breast-milk clutches at your daughter like a shroud…Do you hear me, with your mouth like a thin scarlet thread and your deflated bosom and your stale mustard blouse?’

I wonder how many readers sent the book spiralling across at the room at this point. At times the saxophone teacher’s segments reminded me of outlying mid-century modernists like Henry Green, or even B. S. Johnson; there’s something of Djuna Barnes or early Jean Rhys in that willingness to put a definite voice to the unsayable. And like those writers, there’s a certain sense of someone showing off here too. The saxophone teacher seems to sit in judgement above all the others in this book — an exemplar of creative mastery, her students little half-developed underlings scampering at her feet. She gets all the best lines.

But the whole book isn’t like this. The other side of things follows Stanley, our aspiring actor. Stanley is a simple, gentle soul. For the most part his sequences are delivered in a more straightforward realistic style. Except that there’s something a little creepy about the drama school where he finds himself almost by accident. The professors are known only by their titles (the Head of Acting, the Head of Movement); they are arch, sinister figures, keen to shatter the delicate illusions of their undergraduates. They come across like characters from Pinter: hard and threatening, with a messy sort of vulnerability beneath; each carrying a past full of forsaken ideals and forgotten romance. They inflict sadistic exercises on their students: first, crowd into a small space in the floor, too small for you all to fit; now try to push out the others without fighting. At one point Stanley is motivated to complain to a tutor when he witnesses an especially brutal scene, apparently straight out of the playbook of Antonin Artaud. He does not receive a great deal of sympathy from the Head of Movement:  

‘…I’m trying to make a point. I’m just trying to point out that if a person is standing onstage in front of an auditorium full of people then “real” is a useless word. “Real” describes nothing on stage. The stage only cares whether something looks real. If it looks real, then whether it is real or not is immaterial. It doesn’t matter. That’s the heart of it.’ ‘You’re angry because they betrayed you…They lured you into feeling something truthful and real, and then they destroyed it in front of you.’

There’s something tautologous, something self-justifying about the Head of Movement’s explanation. It happened this way because it this is what we permit on our stage. Theatre is the art of trying to make you feel; if you felt something it was a success, even if you were tricked into it. Moral norms don’t come into it, he’s saying. This is supposed to be especially unconvincing in the context of what comes next.

It turns out that the sister of Isobel, one of the sax teacher’s students, has been having an affair with a teacher. The ensuing scandal forces her and many of her schoolmates into a sort of enforced period of counselling. But she, and many of her schoolmates, find something intriguing about the thing between Victoria and Mr Saladin. The mystery of it is summed up when Julia, one of the other girls, directly confronts their counsellor about it:

‘The fact that Victoria was underage and virginal or whatever wasn’t exciting because he could exercise more power over her…It was exciting because he stood so much more if anyone found out…He wouldn’t just lose her. He would lose everything.’

There’s an attempt here at reconfiguring the power dynamic away from the model of predator and prey and towards something more mutual, less obviously threatening. But it’s also less about the relationship itself and more about what other (young) people make of it. Victoria and Saladin themselves are distant figures here — they barely feature. There are rough parallels to be drawn between the intensity of Stanley’s reaction to the violence onstage and the feelings toward that couple. We see things that provoke something in us we don’t understand, and that society would condemn unequivocally; but they are compelling, despite all that. All of this leads towards some unsettling suggestions. In a way it’s a wonder that this book seems to have slipped beneath the radar of many readers; I could easily see a British tabloid decrying it as a defence of child abuse. 

The two parts of the book eventually intersect. The drama students put on a play based on the real-life affair between student and teacher. This is supposed to be a sort of climax, but I’m not entirely sure this part of the book quite works. The play itself is only seen in glimpses; much like the rest of the book, it offers little in the way of dramatic catharsis. Texturally, there is little difference between it and the eloquent, precise little speeches that all the characters deliver from time to time. Here’s Julia summarising what she believes her cohort have learned from their counselling:

‘We learned that everything in the world divides in two; good and evil, male and female, truth and falsehood, child and adult, pleasure and pain. We learned that the counsellor possessed a map, a map that would make everything make sense. A key. Like in a theatre programme where you have the actors’ names on one side and the list of characters on the other — some neat division that divides the illusive from the real. We learned that there is a distinction — that there is always a distinction — between the performance and the performer, the reality and the lie. We learned that there is no middle ground…Only those who watch, and those who suffer being watched.’

‘But the counsellor lied…You lied. You lied about the pain of it, the unsimple mess of it, immeasurably more thorny and wretched and raw than you could ever remember, with the gauze veil of every year that passes settling over your eyes, thicker and thicker until even your own childhood dissolves into the mist.’

This is very fine. It’s somehow both ironic and entirely earnest. Both parts are essentially correct: the world has these boundaries, and they mean something. They mean a great deal to a great many people. But they also have very little to do with the rich and unsimple mess of life and the way it is lived.

[yoongink]

nuance.

Introduction: you and yoongi learn a thing or two about one another. Method: the real mvp is anon, thank u for kicking my muse in the butt. Result: 2k words, rated T. Conclusion: park jimin is an angel. min yoongi is okay, i guess.

Jimin’s stitches come out beautifully, one by one, and he doesn’t complain, doesn’t so much as flinch even. He’s better rested this evening, returning to his cheerful and cheeky self, and you don’t feel quite as exhausted as you normally would. It’s as if the fog has lifted and you can finally breathe crisp, fresh air again. The turmoil in your head is now a muted mess that you, for once in a very long time, feel equipped to deal with.

Now that you’re both relieved of your obscure burdens, the atmosphere of your visits has taken on a new tone; one of relief and anticipation, of falling into old habits as well as new beginnings.

“Remember the first time?”

You glance towards Yoongi, who's slumped in the armchair, mouth a slack pout, features soft with sleep, before returning your attention to your patient and his question. Jimin sits in front of you on the table, and you realise you’ve inadvertently recreated the scene of your very first meeting.

“I do.” It also occurs to you exactly how cavalier you’ve gotten with your makeshift medical practice in such a short amount of time, removing Jimin’s stitches at what is essentially their dining table.

“I bet you never thought you’d be one of us,” he says conversationally, well-meaning, no idea he is feeding your troublesome thoughts.

One of us.

You laugh bitterly at the sheer absurdity of the notion, unable to look Jimin in the eye for fear of your disappointment showing; this was indeed a far cry from anything you had ever envisioned for yourself. Similarly, you refuse yourself another glance towards Yoongi, afraid he’ll extinguish what little hope the simple claim has ignited in you.

This is the same conflict that has preoccupied you all week. The only people actively showing concern for your well-being are the very same people you should be avoiding, a yet there’s no use denying the kindness they’ve shown you, nor the positive impact they’ve made on your life. In and of itself, that is a sentiment you struggle with. Given your history it should be impossible, but you have no doubts you would have unraveled completely if not for Yoongi’s intervention last week. And all because a stain of Jimin’s blood had upset you.

Each time you go over these interactions in your head, acquainting yourself with the idea that this might be your new normal, it resembles friendship more and more. Not necessarily a kind you wanted, and yet a kind you sorely need.

“Oh, sorry,” Jimin, not as clueless as you once thought, deflates as he arrives at his own realisation. Fiddling with the shirt in his lap, a deep furrow works its way between his brows, his lips pursed to combat a pout. “I guess that’s not really a good thing, huh.”

“No, don’t—” you blink up at him, puzzled by your immediate impulse to contradict him, to comfort him. “Don’t say that.”

Jimin tilts his head at you and watches in silence as you sort through the words in your head, listens patiently when they begin to spill from your lips in segmented sentences.

“It’s not so bad.” All those years of school, the only thing that held you together was the promise that your work would give you purpose, that it would be fulfilling, when in fact it was anything but, and it left you feeling cheated and beaten. You sacrificed all the comforts you had known only to be miserable, with nothing to show for it. “I wasn’t… happy, anyway.”

Jimin watches on with an expression that makes your chest feel tight and heavy, and there’s no doubt in your mind that Yoongi is listening from the other end of the table. Unable to face either one of them you turn your attention away, across the room.

“The work I do is…” Unforgiving, devastating, soul-crushing. “Hard. It takes its toll, I guess, and I was… Well, I was lonely.” You take a deep breath, a moment to taste the words that well to your tongue before you let them slip, because can it really be that simple? All your objections, all your conflicting ideas, all your better judgement swept away by a single piece of damning evidence: “And now, I guess I’m not.”

It’s by no means a revelation, but it might as well be the way the truth seems to echo.

You had entered into this agreement willingly, with your eyes wide open, and you had made your choices for many reasons, but one truth remained no matter how much the circumstances changed: you were happier with the Bangtan boys than you had ever hoped to be again.

Swallowing this alarming realisation, you’re torn from your introspection once again to find Jimin’s hand resting on the top of your head. And, if not for the comforting weight of it, you may have burst into tears when you look up to see him smiling like you’ve just told him the best news he’s heard in months. Before you can get a real grip of yourself, laugh to undermine the weight of your admission and brush him off, Jimin has leaned in, embracing you carefully, pulling you close and pressing your flushed cheek against his naked shoulder, so he can rest his own against the side of your head.

Meanwhile, Yoongi hasn’t moved. Jimin unintentionally turned you to face him but he remains expressionless apart from the very slight crease to his brow, just enough of an indentation to make the simple act of blinking look pensive, as he meets your tearful gaze.

Later, as you pack up your things and bid Jimin a somewhat timid farewell, Yoongi pulls up his hood and stands waiting at the door, holding it open as you approach.

“Is this a thing now?” You ask, passing and waiting for him to join you outside. “You escorting me home like this?”

You don’t know whether to be embarrassed or flattered that Yoongi worries about you getting home safely, and that he would take that responsibility upon himself without so much as asking, so you settle for an uneasy mixture of the two. Mostly you just feel bad because it’s too cold outside to make walking you home seem even remotely convenient.

“Maybe I have somewhere to be,” he counters with a noncommittal shrug, voice a gritty drawl that suggests he may have been sleeping earlier after all. “Maybe you’re the one escorting me, in case someone tries to fucking kill me again.” The thought alone makes you cringe inwardly, but Yoongi punctuates the sentence with a chuckle, shaking his head.

You hesitate, “Do you have somewhere to be?”

“No.”

“So is someone gonna try to kill you again?”

An uneasy silence follows, and you quickly catch up with your actions and Yoongi’s corresponding frown, realise you’ve once again broken the cardinal rule upon which you’ve based all of your more civil interactions.

“I’m sorry, I’m not supposed to be asking—”

“— No.” Yoongi interjects abruptly, avoiding your startled gaze as he clarifies, “He left town, maybe even the country.”

“Wait,” you stammer, catching ahold of his sleeve to confront him with this new information, caution and informal agreement discarded as you struggle to comprehend what the world must look like through Min Yoongi’s eyes. ”You know who did this to you?”

“Hey, how long do you think my list of mortal enemies is? You think I don’t know who wants me dead?” He laughs, and the sound only serves your further bafflement.

“I mean, how am I supposed to know?” You sniff as your nose begins to run slightly from the cold, letting go of his sleeve as you near the end of the pavement and he turns to face you while he waits for the lights to change, even if these particular streets are all but abandoned so late on a Sunday.

“Your nose look kinda red,” he muses, with that familiar repressed twist to his mouth. He doesn’t ask whether in fact you’re cold, just takes in your huddled form for a moment before reaching out to tug a little on one end of your scarf, pulling it snug around your neck and chin. “What are we supposed to do if our doctor gets a cold, hm? Not get into fights? Not fall through windows and off of buildings?”

You hardly recognise the strained hiccup of laughter that leaves you in response, “I guess?”

A part of you suspects he’s only diverting your attention from the subject, but a deeply buried suspicion squirms to life with the less cynical suggestion that he may have other motives beyond manipulating you. Because, you reason, had the two of you been anyone else, meeting under entirely different circumstances, you wouldn’t have been completely amiss if you speculated that maybe, just maybe, he liked you. Would you?

Trying to make sense of this, your frantic thoughts scatter and scurry in an attempt to view his actions independent of circumstance and personal history, but you find you’re too tangled in the moment to see anything else clearly. You’ve become so used to witnessing Yoongi’s irregular displays of affection that you can’t picture his fond scowl on anyone else, and you feel your insides warm and twist sickeningly at the possibility that in some alternative reality far, far away from the universe you inhabit, to an uninitiated bystander you and Yoongi may even look like a couple.

“I’m not gonna lie,” he sighs, your scarf slipping through his fingers. “It’s, uh… It’s a pretty long list actually.” He sounds bitter, words needing a little extra force to get past his tense jaw and clenched teeth. “But it’s not what you think, most of them are in prison because of me.”

You hadn’t even noticed the light turn green when he starts crossing the street. Instead it occurs to you once more how little you know about Yoongi, about the rest of the boys, and that this is your first real chance to learn something, to seek the truth about them even if that was something you can never return from.

“Oh?” Your voice shakes as you fail miserably at sounding casual. “How so?”

“I betrayed some bad people,” he too, is trying to sound matter of fact about the issue, but the word ‘betrayed’ hangs heavy in the air between you, the obvious connotation being that he is one of the bad people himself. “For the sake of the boys, and what we have now. I betrayed some bad people so we could take their place, and now they would like to see me die for it.”

You don’t even feel your jaw drop.

At the hospital’s briefings covering gang violence, and even from the estate agent that showed you your current home, you’d heard many things about the past of this area, about the drug problems and the trafficking and the kind of crimes that would occur, about how things were turned right around after the gangs had been dismantled and prosecuted, about how things were now better than ever. You even remember it mentioned on the news back home.

All this time, you had assumed Yoongi was part of whatever little criminal activity remained, just some thug in a lowly street gang. You never thought to imagine him responsible for the fall of an empire, but isn’t that exactly what he’s implying?

“It’s funny,” he laughs, without a shred of mirth. “I ruined myself, you know? I can never amount to anything, in your world or my own. No one will even deal with us if they know I’m involved, it’s like I’m untouchable, and yet… It’s the only good thing I ever did.”

Stunned at his admission, somehow all you can think of is how this doesn’t correspond with how your inquiry started, as if that one missing piece would somehow make sense of it all. “But, then who…?”

“Someone’s brother.” Yoongi explains dismissively. “He had his chance and he ran, and that’s the end of it.”

“Oh,” you breathe. “Okay… Good.” You don’t notice Yoongi's lingering look of surprise, too busy ruminating over everything you’ve just learned.

While trying to fit the newly acquired pieces of information with the rest of your puzzle, you spend the rest of your walk home in silence. Yours is contemplative, while his is of a more wistful nature. You don’t realise this however, until you arrive at your block of flats, and turn to find Yoongi unable to face you directly, a distinct look of remorse on his features, a look reminiscent of one such other time he said too much and ultimately disgraced himself.

“I guess,” he mutters, “you’ll hear from us next time we need you.”

“Yoongi—” You call out to him just as he turns to leave, belatedly recognising your complete failure to provide assurance that you don’t despise him for the same reasons that everyone else does. That you feel not only differently, but quite the opposite. That you believe he made the right choice. That you were wrong about him.

“Yeah?” He looks back, and you immediately lose your nerve.

“Uh, hurry home, okay? Don’t catch a cold, because I’m, uh, not that kind of doctor.”

Yoongi nods swiftly to indicate his understanding, and carries on walking without another word.

You watch his hooded figure withdraw for another few moments, part of you wishing you had followed your initial impulse to invite him in for coffee, while the more rational side of you is relieved that you didn’t.

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[finnivkodair]

Things you discover when loving Even Bech Næsheim

~ He hums. A lot. You find it endearing most of the time, it grates on your nerves more often than you like to admit but it makes you smile when you need a reminder that he’s still here with you, living, breathing, yours. He does it with whatever he’s doing, subconsciously, most of the time. You point it out sometimes, with a laugh and a ‘you’re doing it again’, and he smiles back at you, eyebrows raised as if he thinks you’re lying to him. He apologises, but less than a minute later he’s doing it again. Soon you notice that it’s not just humming. He makes these strange noises with whatever he’s doing, a loud shout of surprise, or deep long sighs when he’s bored, lots of dums and dododododoos as he’s drawing. You ask him about it sometimes, and he just shrugs it off with an 'I’m a loud annoying person, deal with it’, until one time you ask again in the early hours of the morning as you watch him draw while you lie down in bed. He puts his pencil down and turns towards you, eyes not quite able to reach yours, 'I can’t handle the quiet, it just makes my head so much louder. And it- it scares me, because I start to think of things I can hear but I know that aren’t there, and it’s like a pressure in my head, saying that I need to make sure there’s never quiet so other people don’t feel awkward, or drift into their head as much as I do. It’s just, it’s like a tether you know? Keeping me outside of my mind.’ Only when he finishes does he ever look into your eyes, and there’s so much vulnerability and pleading of please understand me please understand me please understand me. You grab his hand and pull him towards you. Since loving Even Bech Næsheim you’ve started humming a whole lot more. 

~  The Internet can only tell you so much. You don’t want to reduce him to his illness but you don’t want to hurt him by being oblivious either. But there are seven billion people in this world, with seven billion different brains, and the Internet is a wonderful thing, but none of these articles are Even, and you just have to wait and learn. Sometimes his swings and episodes are catastrophic, there’s shouting and screaming and begging and seeing things that aren’t there, and then there’s deafening silence, numbness and tears that are being shed unknowingly to him because he’s stuck in a haze of not feeling quite here, but still feeling too much. But sometimes they’re small, only lasting a couple of days. And they don’t seem too bad- I mean yes he talks a mile a minute, and he’s passionate and confident and ready to try anything, but it’s exciting and fun, and almost unnoticeable- until he crashes and you realise that you missed it, and that sometimes his ups aren’t cliches and you might miss them, but the effect of the fall is always the same. You can’t find anywhere on the Internet where they tell you about that yet.

~  He’s scared. The world is uncertain, life is uncertain, but for him, everyday is uncertain too. He’s stuck in a cycle of waiting for his brain to let him down, and it’s tiring, and it’s not a way to live, so he tries to stop. But there’ll always be that voice in his head when you make plans weeks in advance of maybe I won’t be well enough, maybe I’ll ruin everything, maybe I won’t be able to stop it. Maybe it will make you leave me. And he’s scared when he’s manic, or hypomanic, in the lead up where he still knows who he is. Because they don’t tell you this online either, or in the pamphlets, because most of the time people are too ashamed to admit it- but sometimes there’s nothing he’d rather be than manic. He’s creative, he’s happy, he can do whatever he wants, everything he’s been meaning to do gets done, life is brighter, it all makes sense- the world is brimming with possibility. But again there’s that voice, saying what if it goes further? What if you lose control? And another, louder voice going who cares who cares who cares? The longer this lasts the further away the crash is. And it’s terrifying knowing that as soon as it ends, the world is going to get so dark so quickly, and his life will halt for days, weeks even, and there’s nothing he can do about it. He’s scared. He needs you. You just being with him, not judging him and trying to understand is enough for him. Don’t be scared for him, he has enough fear of his own, be his brightness and his clarity and his knowledge that he is so much more than this and his life is a wonderful, beautiful thing that he should never feel ashamed of. 

~  He has a fear of birds. It makes you laugh for days when you find out, Even Bech Næsheim, walking Disney princess and lover of everything, is scared of birds. You find out one summer’s day when you leave the window open in Kollektivet and you walk out into the living room to find a pigeon staring you down. You notice that Even’s tensed up behind you but you don’t think much of it until the bird moves and he lets out a sound you’d never even dream would be possible of coming out of his mouth and it stops you in your tracks as you turn towards Even, a look on your face of judgement and disbelief. He doesn’t see it though because his hands are covering his eyes and he, Even Bech Næsheim, king of cool and suave, is cowering over a bird. It’s your favourite discovery about him so far, and one you use to your advantage more times than a loving boyfriend probably should. 

~  He is more intelligent than he’ll ever realise, and he needs you to remind him of how truly brilliant his brain is. He is the most creative person you’ve ever met, winding stories and art out of ordinary things people like you wouldn’t even notice. He’s so talented that you almost find it unfair, he writes, he draws, he acts, he films and directs- he’s a creator and you’re in awe of him. It’s important you tell him that, because he’s more insecure than you realise at first. Each drawing he shows you, is a glimpse into his sight, each poem is a segment of his mind, each performance is a wonder of who else he could be- each creation is a vulnerability that he’s showing to you, asking is it okay, is how he is is okay, is his mind okay? And it is. It’s brilliant and unbelievable, his creations bring light to your life, but not as much as his smile does when you tell him what you think of them. 

~  He has strange habits that sometimes become rituals. You don’t completely understand them yet, but they’re just things he does. Like tapping a certain rhythm on a certain door frame every time he goes underneath it, or rinsing his water bottle out three times every time he cleans it, or if someone touches his arm, he has to tap the other one so it’s symmetrical. He doesn’t even realise he’s doing it most of the time, he just does it. But sometimes when he isn’t quite sure what his brain is doing, they become rituals that have to be done and he becomes obsessed. He has to have his food on different plates, and he has to rearrange his bookshelf so the books are alphabetical, or colour coded or sorted into genre, depending how he’s feeling. The dishes have to be done a certain way and every surface has to be tapped. You worry that it means he’s becoming manic, sometimes it does, but more often than not it’s just one of those days and its one of those things that makes him Even. There’s not much to be said or done about it, you just indulge it for a day (he doesn’t want to be a burden and he doesn’t want you to do anything for him, just don’t comment or make him feel like he’s silly) and that tends to be all that he needs.

~  Family is everything to him. He grew up surrounded by love, and at first you find it difficult, but he knows this and he would never want to make you feel bad, so he won’t nag you about joining his family for dinner, or to attend family events or to spend more time at his house. But you discover having you under his roof is his favourite thing, having everyone he loves in the same place creating a hub of safety and laughter is all he wants in the world, and soon you realise, you love it too. You love the bustle of activity, the delighted squeals of his sisters as he comes through the door, the smell of food being cooked. It’s like some American film that you always thought was bullshit, but here he was belonging to this family, and it’s real and he wants you to be a part of it. 

~ He is the most affectionate drunk you’ve ever met. You’d never tell him because he shouldn’t drink too much, but Drunk Even is your favourite thing. He’s even more vibrant and energetic even though you never thought it was possible, but your favourite part is the compliments. And not because you’re egotistical, but because of the insight into his head that they give you, he calls you words like brilliant and incredible and words with so much weight. He compliments your smile, but also your compassion and laughter and all the things you’re insecure about, and you love it because it’s so Even, he sees the things that no one else does and he is so kind, and you have no idea what you did to deserve him. He whispers his love into your ears but also his secrets and promises that are laced in adoration, he confesses the life he wants with you, he wants to live in a house that feels lived in, that feels safe and like a home, he wants five children- three girls and two boys- he wants to bake with them, play cops and robbers with them, take them on adventures with your dog, that the family collectively decided to call Romeo because of course, your children will have taste and Romeo + Juliet will be a family favourite. He wants a family and love and a life with you. You have that confession on repeat and it’s your favourite sound in the world.

~  No matter how much his rage scares you, it scares him more. This is the part of his illness that the Internet shies away from, but so does Even because it’s the part of himself that he hates the most. See when you read stories and articles they paint images of mania where people run through the streets naked, believe the government’s filming them, buy extravagant things and do things without thinking of the consequence. Which is true. But what they don’t tell you about is the fear, the paranoia, the anger. Because sometimes that’s all mania is, there’s no passionate desires to create art or sing, sometimes the confidence turns into arrogance and entitlement, and it’s ugly and fierce. It’s thinking that he deserves things, that he’s so much better than the people he’s surrounded by that just simply don’t understand him, it’s a yes I am handsome, a yes I am clever and talented, you don’t need to tell me, I already know. It’s his speech becoming more passionate, but not in the way you’re prepared for, it’s not thinking of the world’s brilliance and brimming with creativity, it’s swearing and angry rambling and who the fuck do they think they are?’s and I don’t care what they think, I know I’m amazing.’s It’s becoming fixated and obsessed with an idea and the blind rage that follows when things don’t work out in the straightforward way his brain tells him it should. When he’s like this he wants everything to be loud, he wants his music to be loud, his movement to be loud, he wants to be loud, he wants you to be loud. And you haven’t worked out yet what’s better for him, whether you should walk away and let him stew in his own anger in the hopes that he’ll calm down, or whether you should shout back, let him scream with everything he has and tire himself out. It’s hard, because if you leave it doesn’t get rid of his anger, you’ll return to broken furniture, maybe a hole that’s been punched in the wall, or in the worst cases, to his skin being opened because he needs to focus on something and the repetitive action of scratching calms his mind, and the pain feels good. And it kills you to see him hurt. But then if you stay, he shouts and he screams and he takes pleasure in focusing on your weaknesses and causing you pain, he knows where to hit you where it hurts and how to get a reaction. He wants a fight, that’s all he wants. He feels like his brain is exploding and he just needs noise, he’s in so much pain and he wants it to stop but he can’t shout at his own brain, but he can shout at you. And you would take this option every time, rather you get hurt than him, but after this, remember, comes the crash. And he’ll remember what he said to you and it will kill him, more than any scratches on his arm ever will. He already feels like he doesn’t deserve you, but after what he says he’ll be inconsolable, refusing to take your reassurances, he’ll feel like he isn’t worthy of anything. After this is the closest you’ve ever got to losing him. Because he feels lost, his rage is the worst part, it’s when he completely loses himself, he doesn’t recognise who he is and he hates it, it disgusts him how can say things he never means- except in that moment he does mean them and it terrifies him. He’s the most genuine person you’ve ever met, he’s kind, he loves being the cause of people’s happiness, he loves compliments and smiles and loyalty- none of that is fake, this anger isn’t his real feelings boiling over, it’s- well that’s the thing, he doesn’t know and you don’t know, it’s just something that happens and you need to work it out together.

~  It hurts. That’s something you can’t find online either and can’t work out yourself. Sometimes Even can’t work out what’s going on, whether he’s going up or down, he just knows he doesn’t feel right. Sometimes he feels the mixture of the two and it hurts. He describes it like a pressure, as if there’s someone inside his brain kicking and screaming, it feels like his head is pulsing and expanding and it’s going to explode. And he doesn’t know what to do with himself, he wants to scream and cry and punch something and close his eyes and never open them again. You’ve discovered that he loves it when you play with his hair, and stroke his scalp and show him love. When he feels like his head is on fire, you know now that it calms him when you caress his head and kiss his temple, not too much that you overwhelm him, just enough to get him out of his head and distract him until the pain passes. And it will, it always does. 

~  He loves you with everything he has. This is something that takes you the longest to discover and start to believe, not because he held back but because you couldn’t understand how someone like him could love someone like you. But you understand now. He’s not perfect, you know his insecurities and fears and faults, and you don’t love him despite them, you love him including every last part that makes him him. You wish he didn’t have to be in pain, that his life wasn’t so hard, that he didn’t get overtaken with a rage where he doesn’t know who he is, you don’t romanticise his faults, but you don’t ignore them either, he does deal with these things, but it’s okay because you always make it through and it’s always temporary and he’s soso worth it. It can be difficult, but then every relationship is, maybe your issues aren’t as common as other couples, but then again you’ve discovered that you and Even have never been a conventional couple. You’re epic, you’re incomparable, you’re eternal. And that is the most important discovery of all- that you’re in love. You’re in love you’re in love you’re in love.

[firstumcschenectady]

“God With Us” based on Psalm 139:1-18 and Matthew 10:26-31

Children's Time:  Let's play an imagination game.  If you were going to play hide and seek in this church, where would you hide?  OK, now what if I change the rules? If you were going to try to hide from God where would you hide?  Is that a ridiculous question?  Why?  (OH.... you can't hide from God because God is everywhere?  Well, then let's thank God for that!)

Sermon: “The One in whom we live and move and have our being,” is a description of God used by Paul in the book of Acts.  It is one of my favorite descriptions of God, because it fits so well with my experiences of the Divine.  I FEEL surrounded by and supported by the Holy One.  I love the idea that the boundaries between “me” and “not me” are irrelevant to God, and God is as much in me as as in you as in the air between us.  Thus, the phrase “the One in whom we live and move and have our being” is often repeated inside my head, a regular reminder that the God of Love is the foundation of all that is, and can be accessed in all times and places.  I suppose it would be fair to say it is one of my faith mantras, something I come back to regularly, ponder often, and draw strength from.

In Acts, when Paul uses this phrase to describe God, he is intentionally appropriating a Greek poet speaking of the Greek god Zeus, and applying the idea to YHWH instead.  This makes me giggle, but it doesn't make the attribution feel less true.  At the core of our faith is a believe in God who is “omnipresent”, a Latin-derived word meaning All-present, used to say that God's presence is everywhere all the time.   This is why you can't hide from God.  Further, this idea means that God is within us as well as around us, so that not only our words and actions but even our thoughts and feelings are known to God.  To believe that God is omnipresent is to claim that nothing can separate from the presence of God, just as nothing can separate us from the Love of God.

Our Jesus-following faith also teaches that that God is “omnibenevolent” another Latin word that means that God is “all good” or “all goodness.”  It might make more sense to say that God is “all love for all of creation.”  It isn't JUST that God is with us, it is also that God is FOR us, seeking good at all times.  I've said it before, and I think it is worth saying again:  I don't find it particularly important whether or not people believe in God.  I do, however, find it VERY important how they understand God.  Whether or not a person believes in God as all-present and all-loving is significant in who it is they think God is.  Very different belief systems develop when you believe in a God who is all-present and all-loving … or not.

Today we're going to look at two belief systems that disagree with my belief system at the core.  Right now we are comparing three different belief systems: Moralistic Therapeutic Deism, the Christian Right, and “Jesus Following”1. Moralistic Therapeutic Deism was identified by sociologists through a large research project with US teens, and is the actual belief system of most teens, despite any religious tradition they claim. Furthermore, as teens are most heavily influenced by their parents when it comes to faith, we have reason to believe that a rather large segment of the population actually believes “Moralistic Therapeutic Deism.”  So, we are looking at it, and finding where it does and doesn't match our actual faith tradition.

“Moralistic Therapeutic Deism” has 5 salient points:

"A god exists who created and ordered the world and watches over human life on earth."

"God wants people to be good, nice, and fair to each other, as taught in the Bible and by most world religions."

"The central goal of life is to be happy and to feel good about oneself."

"God does not need to be particularly involved in one's life except when God is needed to resolve a problem."

"Good people go to heaven when they die."

This week we are taking a closer look at the fourth one:  "God does not need to be particularly involved in one's life except when God is needed to resolve a problem." In essence, I think this statement stands against the idea that God is “all-present.”  Or, at least, makes God so irrelevant that God's presence doesn't matter.  Now, the Christian-Right definitely believes in God as all-present.  However, I am not convinced that they believe in God as all-loving.  (Or, if they do, the words mean something so different that it doesn't count as the same idea.)

Let's look at Moralistic Therapeutic Deism first.  This perspective, which reflects the generic belief system in the US, says,  "God does not need to be particularly involved in one's life except when God is needed to resolve a problem." This makes God the last resort – and our LAST resort tends to be something we don't have much investment in.  It also seeks to control God.  (Which those famous 10 commandments seem firmly against.)  A person who only reaches out to God when that person wants God to DO something for them …. that person is thinking of God like a big gumball machine.  That is,  “Insert prayer, and God gives you what you want.”  God becomes a means to an end, de-personalized, unimportant for God's own self, just there to please us.  

I suppose the statement doesn't actually SAY that God isn't all present, but it make's God's presence irrelevant – other than as a TOOL one uses for one's own needs.  I think it also denies God as all-loving, because if you believe that God is all-loving, then you believe that there is a SOURCE OF LOVE IN THE WORLD YOU CAN CONNECT TO.  And if you believe that, then I guess I figure you'd do so.  Or try to do so at least.  Because humans are hungry for love – so we seek it out (in productive and unproductive ways) all the time!  So this indifference to the Divine itself tells me that people aren't thinking of God as GOOD, or LOVING.  Rather, they're thinking of God as …. well, meh.

Now, I suspect this meh-ness about God is actually reflecting some of the influence of the Christian-Right.2 (The Atlantic seems to be agreeing with me on this, they're writing a lot these days about how the decline in US religiousity is linked to people associating the Christian-Right with Christianity and opting out of it.)  Now, I'm pretty sure that the entirety of the Abrahamic faiths - Judaism, Christianity, and Islam-  teach and believe that God is all-present.  I don't know of any part of any of those traditions who argue against it.  There are some stronger understandings of it, like pan-en-theism which says that everything that is exists within God and yet God is more than all that is. (I'm a panentheist.)  But the all-presentness of God isn't in any way controversial.

However, the all-loving part of God IS.  In fact, I think this is the breaking point between the Christian-Right and Jesus-followers.  While both sides may make the claim, what we mean by it is profoundly different. When I say God is all-loving I mean:

God loves and wants good for ALL people, regardless of their acknowledgement of God, desire to “worship” God,  or the morality of their actions.

God seeks the COMMON good, and works to create the kindom in the world – a time and place where ALL people can both survive and thrive.

No one is more valuable than anyone else, and no one is less valuable than anyone else in the eyes of God.

God encourages us, nudges us, and calls us into loving words and actions – all of us all the time – and we get to pick whether or not we respond.  

God's nature is to be loving, which is an awesome and delightful reality. If we want to respond to that love, then we are led by gratitude and by love itself.  God's request of us when we attend to God's love is that we RESPOND to it – by letting love grow in us and change us. The love that grows in us is for God, for others, and for ourselves. Another way to think of this is that deepening our relationship to God is growing in compassion.

NOTHING, no NOTHING  - not death, nor life, nor angels, nor rulers, nor things present, nor things to come, nor powers, or height, nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God in Christ Jesus our Lord. (Romans 8:38-39)

When the Christian-Right says God is all loving, it starts from a different place.  The Christian-Right worldview starts with “the fall” - the idea of original sin.  Within this perspective, there is a separation between God and humanity that exists in two parts. First, the fall itself is understood as fundamental to reality, it create a separation between God and humanity as a whole.  Secondly, as each individual person sins that sin separates them from God. From here, the Christian-Right considers ways to move from this brokenness into “right relationship with God.”   God as loving, then, is God who gives humans the means to move from broken relationship into right relationship.

Right relationship with God consists of fulling a required set of actions and beliefs.  In this view, because God loves everyone, God gives everyone the opportunity to be in right relationship.  As God wants to be in right relationship with everyone, God steers people towards the correct actions and beliefs.  Thus judgement and even punishment by God of people are seen as corrections that are part of love, like a parent correcting their child for the child's development.  (The fact that punishment is a terrible motivator and, at the core, doesn't work, isn't acknowledged from this perspective.)  

In the Christian-right view, wrong belief and/or wrong action can distance one from relationship with God.  And, at the point of death, the opportunity to move into “right relationship” is cut off. Thus, those in the Christian-Right try to encourage others to choose right beliefs and right actions, so that they too can be in right relationship with God and thus not spend eternity in hell, cut off from God.  It is possible to see, from this viewpoint, how judgement could be seen as an expression of love.

I haven't actually been directly exposed to much Christian-Right theology, but I actually was exposed to the core of this viewpoint, one time when I was a teenager at my Annual Conference session.  The Bible Study leader showed us a video in which the human sin created a chasm with us on one side and God on the other.  The video then showed us how Jesus's death on the cross changed the nature of reality, and that if we accepted God's forgiveness (right belief), then the cross would become the bridge we could walk to connect with God.  

I think I was 13.  The next day I complained about the video to my pastor, and that particularly youth bible study leader never returned.  At that point I didn't understand exactly how that viewpoint was different from mine, but I could FEEL it.  Somewhere along the line I realized that I think the idea that sin separates us from God is blasphemous because it indicates that SIN is more powerful than God and God's love.  

Like the passage from Matthew suggests, God does not call us into being afraid of God. Rather, God is with us and we need not be afraid.  God loves us, all of us, and nothing can separate us from the love of God.  Thanks be to God.  Amen

(Sermon feedback leads me to add a PS to the end of this sermon:  Therefore, as people connected to the all-present and all-loving God, as people freed from the fear that pervades the world around us, go and be present and loving in the world!)

1The use of the phrase “Jesus following” is not meant to suggest that the Christian-Right are not Jesus followers.  Rather, I find that because of the hateful action of many people who claim the word Christian, many of us are uncomfortable claiming that language and prefer to take on “Jesus-follower” as a way of recognizing the core figure of our faith tradition without the baggage of the word “Christian.”

2I love it when people do research that supports my assumptions: https://fivethirtyeight.com/features/the-christian-right-is-helping-drive-liberals-away-from-religion/. (Don't we all?)