#but seriously theres a lot here that i attempted to draw for the first time ever so pls bear with me and my crappy art

[sonic-adventure-3]

I accidentally drew the same goddamn pose 3 times lmao. Why is posing legs so hard i always fall back on posing them in the shape of a 4. Also, new freak!! Her name is Jerryjack. More about her + individual images + couple other things below the cut vvv

I don’t think I’ve posted any drawings of her other than her first, but i’ve been drawing rig a lot more like this rather than that first one. More graphic head shape, more upright ears, one eye hidden, mouth hidden by scarf, what have you. I think she looks cooler and is way easier to draw like this, but is a little less sonicy, im sure I’ll find a balance sometime. Rare carrion non-blep, this pose is cool but i did not even try cleaning this up lol.

And jerryjack!! She sucks so bad i love her. They’re Rig’s best friend, known each other since they were kids and learned the trade (killing) under the same mentor. She’s 11 months older than Rig, so she’s about 25ish. She hates consistency, commitment, seriousness, kids, stagnation, compassion, anything boring, and many many other things. She loves anything fun, stirring shit, lying, inflicting blunt force trauma, herself, lockpicking, and money. She’s purely self-interested and does everything she does for funsies. She’s not a part of the postal crew cause she thinks it’s boring and is allergic to commitment but hangs around and ‘helps out’ sometimes. She’s a hitman on her own, and has way more connections through that than rig, occasionally floats jobs her way. Also sometimes places bounties on her when shes mad. Or just cause.

Unlike Jerry, Rig is a very routine and organized person. She wakes up every morning at 6 sharp despite not being a morning person. Miraculously, she and jerry lived together for 2 years and during that time rig ate microwaved oatmeal every single morning and got groceries on tuesdays. All this is to say Rig is very methodical and likes routing and things that are expected. So Jerry lost their shit when rig called them randomly and casually told them that she’s starting a non-euphemistic postal service and also spontaneously took in a couple kids. Naturally, she’s very wary of squabble and carrion, especially the latter. Assassin recognizes assassin, silly recognizes silly, they try to kill each other and then become besties (who still periodically attempt to kill each other). As for squabble, she’s surprisingly fun to interact with, so jerry warms up fairly quick and becomes a truly awful influence on her.

Here’s the first drafts and base. She’s obviously a jackalope but calls herself a hare for some reason. Is part of that reason because i couldn’t think of a pun name other than jack like jackrabbit and ‘jack the jackalope’ sounded a little too stupid for my taste (as if ‘jerryjack’ isn’t stupider)? Ummmmmmm.

Anyway, i decided to nix the asymmetrical antlers cause theres a limit to how much asymmetry i should stuff into a set of characters, carrion’s already got the lopped off ear and etc. the back and tail marking is supposed to emulate ribs

I’m still super duper undecided on jerry’s outfit and colour scheme. Every outfit ive thought up so far feels way too simple or untethered to reality in comparison to the postal crew’s, however i think the postal crew is a bit too complicated (or way too complicated in squabble’s case) and too grounded for sonic, so. Idk what to do abt that. And as for their colour scheme, as seen above her first drafts have the same red and green of the postal crew, but seeing as she doesn’t work with them it’s definitely the better choice to diverge from that. Saturated orange is the most tense and unsettling colour to me so i think it suits her off putting nature, but the white and orange combo reminds me intensely of like. 1960s egg chairs. WAIT and ulala space channel 5. And various stupid tech startup kitchen gadgets. Just generally a combo with a lot of nonthreatening and safe associations rather than the warning sign i want. Idk man i’ll workshop it eventually.

Also, cloak rig. Her previous red coat was stupid. Not sure how much smarter this is but it looks cooler. Still doesn’t usually wear it other than in towns to hide her wings or when it’s cold. Also also this is the same fucking pose again

[kaitosimp]

It's been a hot minute since I've posted Kaito art 👁👄👁 Once upon a time I posted a drawing of my talentswap bois with a new one I never got around to making, bUT I got in the zone a while ago to properly give him a drawing so here he is!! Kaito as the Ultimate Gamer 🕹✨💜

As always I have to say that I'm not that good at drawing but for once idc cause I had so much fun with this!! I love videogames and I adore Kaito so you can imagine how happy I was while drawing 🤚🏽💕 I think there's a total of 23 game/general gaming related references so truly, all the kudos and love to you if you can identify them all!! 🌚💜

He listens to Game Over by Falling In Reverse religiously and his one game weakness is horror games and I love him very much <3 True to my Kaito loving self I thought of some hc's for him which are below (finally figured out how to do the keep reading thing asdfghkl) but yeah hope you guys like him as much as I do!! :] 💞💞💞

-He will play any and all games

-Even horror games but he kinda sucks at them cause he gets scared all the time and dies

-Lowkey competitive and a perfectionist, he needs to get ALL the trophies and achievements but he enjoys the game and plot first

-Shuichi and Maki literally have to force him to sleep cause otherwise he stays up all night playing games

-If he had to pick a fave genre it'd be action games, fighting games or racing games

-His phone ringtone is the Super Mario Bros theme song

-Kirumi, aka mom™, always scolds him for slouching and corrects his posture

-Constantly browses the interwebs for new or rare games/consoles/merch/etc he doesn't have yet (someone help this man and his bank account)

-He has rows upon rows of games and don't even get me started on all the consoles he owns

-Besides playing videogames, he likes watching gaming documentaries and movies (especially the movies)

-His fave one is probs Wreck It Ralph and he cries a lot during the "I'm bad and that's good, I will never be good and that's not bad, there's no one I rather be but me" volcano scene

-His lab is literally designed after an arcade

-If he plays games with his friends he will literally only let Himiko, Gonta, or Chihiro win, the rest will get obliterated into next week (not even his sidekicks get the special treatment)

-He will fight you if you think yourself a superior/true gamer just cause you play action packed games and hate on people who play "cutesy" or chill games

-He ALWAYS has a handheld console and does not go anywhere without one

-He got scouted by Hope's Peak when he won a fuckton of gaming competitions

-He always commissions Rantaro for artwork of his game characters

-Likewise he always commissions Sayaka for character costumes he wants to wear for cons (everyone is talentswapped so Rantaro is the ultimate artist and Sayaka the ultimate cosplayer huehue)

-His hoodies are sacred and so far he's only let Shuichi wear them

-He started a gaming club in the school and they meet up every Friday to chill, play games, and have friendly tournaments

-"Press f to pay respects" is his mantra

-He happens to like outer space a lot since he would always stargaze with his grandparents

-Hence why he automatically loves any game setting in space (cue Rainbow Road being his fave course in Mario Kart)

-He can probably tell you the history of gaming from the creation of Spacewar and Tennis For Two to the modern day in one sitting but he literally goes like 👁👄👁❓ for a sec tryna remember what he had for dinner last week

-One of his future goals is to create his own videogame

-Loves interacting with people online/through multiplayer, he has an endless amount of virtual friends

[beann-e]

Mha characters reacting to you forgetting things in the store

Read Part One Here

Deku

You’d been traveling down different aisles for hours so many that deku found himself getting amazed that the store could even hold this many

he found himself thinking that the store just had its own shape shifting quirk that could change the aisles anytime someone went down them

that was the only way to explain it I mean It had to have one right because how did you find this new brand of ceral and he didn’t

How did you just pick up this new candy bar that he had never known abo—

wait candy bar

he snapped himself out of his trance drawing himself back into the real world finally hearing your voice and seeing your cart that was filled to the brim with different items from the original plan that he didn’t even know you two needed

“ oh god babe look — they “ you jumped in your shoes as you reached up to the top shelf “ they have hot chocolate “

“ we um y/n— baby”

you turned to him with a smile on your face

“ we don’t nee— “

“ deku could you get the hot chocolate it’s too far in the back at the top my hand doesn’t reach that way it’s at an awkward angle “

he looked to the floor for a moment before turning his head to look at the hot chocolate biting his lip as he stayed in his spot on the ground maybe if he just stayed here he could lie and say he’d been hit with a glue quirk you wouldn’t know righ—

your stare sent chills down his spine as he hurried over to pickup the box setting it neatly on top of the rest of the things in the cart shaking his head when he finally seen everything you’d gotten

He could never tell you no

all he wanted was for you to be happy he loved seeing you and everyone else happy he hated to see people with any other emotion it made him feel like it was his fault regardless of who it was

family or friend

villian or hero

he felt like everyone deserved to be happy which is why he was following every order you gave him like a puppy

his little protests every once and a while falling on deaf ears

“ my love we don’t need crackers “

“ but I want to make s’mores “

“ but baby then you have to get the rest of the ingredients for s’mores you can’t just buy crackers “

he moved to grab the box carefully putting it back a pout on your face as he bit his lip shaking his head in defeat and holding it out to you and looking to the floor

“ yay —now where are the other ingredients for ‘ em do you know deku ? “

his last attempt finally hitting you when you two were standing in line to checkout “ y/n “

“ yeah “

“ baby can —how about I pay for the stuff ok “

you looked at him in shock

“ I don’t —you just did all the shopping and I want to help and let you rest “

he reached in his pocket as he maneuvered the cart to be placed In line dropping his keys in your palm “ here—go sit In the car ok my love “

he kissed your forehead as he moved up in the line

“ but—“

“ no I swear I got this just go you’ve been on your feet all day “

“ but dek—“

“ look how about this “

he moved to stand on the side of the cart next to you “ you tell me what you really look forward to that your buying and i’ll make sure to get that first ok so you know that I got it and whatever else is in the cart i’ll pay for last ok “

you smiled as you listed off the ten things you’d originally had a taste for which, is why you guys ended up going to the store in the first place

you just wanted to get some groceries so you two could have some food in your new apartment

Deku had finally agreed to move out of his moms apartment thinking that she was ok and had finally come to terms with him being a real hero

allowing him more time to spend with you after making sure she was taken care of

The hero association offered him a house with no down payment after they found out but they were hit with your boyfriend saying no and explaining how you would both like to work hard for everything you two get in the future

sad thing is you wanted the house

you kissed his cheek leaving the store him putting every item you just said on the check out register watching it move up as he started conversation with the lady in front of him

“ yeah being a hero’s actually harder than I thought “

he laughed as he watched her ring everything up “ y’know actually could you do me a favor “

she shook her head small smile on her face as he gulped “ might uh — might be a weird request bu— “

“ no we don’t do hero referrals here “

“ wait no I — wait hero referrals no I “ he laughed uncomfortable with how many people were around “ no I don’t want to trade companies — uh let’s not uh “

he looked around making sure no one heard as he set his arms on the ledge speaking soft “ let’s uh let’s not say that aloud ok y’know —cameras—my company — and yeah “

he cleared his throat “ what I was actually y’know talking about was “

“ we don’t do — “

“ please allow me to speak “

she moved to scan his items as he sighed and started over “ again this may be a weird request but can you um — can you just like take this and put it back “

“ oh yeah of course you should of just said that “ she cupped her mouth as she screamed to her friend “ hey mari can you put his item back for me “

“ yeah sure —an item where’s it at ?“

“ oh it’s um not just one ite— “

“ it might be this — I don’t know who eats canned fruit so — he’s probably putting it back “

“ no uh — “ his eyebrows furrowed in slight annoyance “ actually my s/o eats those i’m not putting them back “

he whispered under his breath “ they’d kill me “

“ ok then where’s the item “

he laughed as he talked to her “ well um I meant could you actually put this back “

“ oh yeah sure if it’s just like 4 thin—- the whole cart“

her eyes widened as she watched deku push the cart towards her “ s-sir the — that’s like our whole store in one cart “

he shook at the comment

“ do you know how long i’m going to be walking around and putting things back where they belong “

his head dropped in embarrassment as he turned red his ears wiggling in fear “ oh trust me I know —i should be applying for manager with the way I know every aisle by heart now “

she shook her head and grabbed the cart as she rolled off

“ w-wait actually “

he ran after her as he rummaged through the cart “ ok yeah got it i’m done “

she stood stone faced as she looked to the male in front of her in pure annoyance and hatred

“ you stopped me to grab the things to make s’mores from the cart “

“ my —my s/o wants to try s’mores “

“ you have to be the best boyfriend ever or something because you allowed them to get all this stuff and waste your time and mine just to put it all back “

the lady at the register moved to grab his card bagging his stuff and handing it to him “ the fact you even acknowledged this and love them enough to let them run wild in the store for hours —like a child says a lot “

“ their not a kid “ he snapped eyes hard on the woman in front of him only softening when he saw her scared expression

“ yes I do — I love them and just being in their company so I love our trips when they get lost in what their doing and I just get to see them happy “

he left the store hand gripping at the backseat as placed the bags he held there

smile nervous and shaky while getting in the driver seat starting the car

“ babe I coulda sworn I got more stuff than that “

he shuddered as he sweated “ I—wh—no I —that’s all you l-left me in the store with babe—with —with your stuff“

his nervous smile widened “ got —got it all “

“ huh guess you did I was kinda out of it anyways “

you looked to him he looked away afraid to make eye contact

“ oh yeah deku did you get the stuff for us to make s’mores I totally forgot to tell you I left it off the list of things I wanted when you asked “

he took a deep breath as he turned his left turn signal on ‘ thank god I stopped her ‘

“ I got it y/n your good “

you smiled as you looked to the backseat again “ damn it is really bugging me that I really only had so little in a cart that looked so full “

his grip tightned as he pulled into your apartments parking lot “ god it all looked like so much in the cart“

“ yeah that uh that happens to people —it’s—it’s like science my love “

you moved to open the door to the backseat as he screamed at you through the cracked window from the drivers seat

“ hey uh babe you can go in the house I got it “

“ aw your so sweet deku you keep doing nice things for me “

he shook his head up and down as he watched you walk off to your new shared apartment

his head falling to the steering wheel as the horn went off in a slight honk jolting him head only moving over a bit mouth opening in a silent prayer

“ god of all might I ask that you don’t allow her to find out — and shit—theres no way to hide thi —wait I didn’t mean to curse don’t hurt me quirk gods please —i’m just stressed “ he almost cried when he thought about it

“ god we even live in the same apartment now there’s no way I can keep a secret or even the fact that I put her groceries back to myself all night “

he cursed as he thought about everything you were so happy about “ please I pray I haven’t left anything important or seriously i’m gonna cry “

he sucked it up as he got out the car walking through the hallway and placing the bags on the marble top walking over to go sit down trying to get as far away from you as possible

hoping if he could go to sleep or even stay out of your way he may be able to get out of this

his body doing what he wanted by almost falling asleep until he heard your voice pout out in front of him “ baby — have you seen my advil “

his eyes widened” I swear I bought ‘em because my head was killing m— wait deku babe why are you crying “

“ I— I i’m worsening your headache — I— I i’m making y-you hurt “

your eyes opened as you hugged him tightly “ no no why would you say that “

his voice was whiny as tears fell “ I put all your stuff back and only got what you could remember —which was only 10 things because I knew the stuff you remembered was the stuff you really wanted “

he sucked up his tears as he looked at you “ but I got you s’mores— I put everything else back but got you s’mores “

he choked back a cry “ baby I put your stuff back “

your voice was hot as you moved away from him flicking his head after turning your body towards the door “ you put my stuff back—all my important stuff that i was looking forward to “

he shook his head as you went to grab the keys “ asshole “

you slammed the door his body shaking as he heard the car start up wiping at his eyes

moving to the door to lock it only to hear the door open wide and present you who fell straight into his chest that was blocking the entrance

voice muffled as you spoke “ I can’t even remember half the stuff I picked up “

[palettepainter]

Overworked

Wanted to do a quick story with Taiho since he’s the least developed of the Higari siblings. 

Taiho is the worry wort of the family, he does all the paperwork for the family business so that causes him to stress a lot. Thankfully big brother Higari is there to lend him a hand, and tell him when to go take a nap you dumb idiot

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Taiho murmed in his sleep at the unpleasant feeling of something hard and cold jabbing his cheek. 

He tired to turn away, rolling his head in the opposite direction, but that only got whoever was poking him to shake his shoulder. He grumbled and tried to shake them off with a roll of his shoulder

“Taiho. Tai. Wake up!”

Taiho finally stirred awake and, with effort, sat up at his desk, one hand brushing his fringe out of his eyes “Mmnnnrr?”

Higari, his older brother, stood at the end of his desk - and though his fringe hid most of his face, it was clear in his crossed arms and tone he wasn’t impressed with the state he found him in “You’ve been overworking again haven’t you?” He said while glancing towards the messy pile of paper on his brothers desk

Taiho blinked slowly, like a bear waking from winter “Whuzzah?” Taiho observed his desk for a long moment, looking at all the bills and paper forms scattered across it. He waved his hand “No no, I’m fine! Really, this doesn’t happen as often as think Higari”

Higari rose a bold brow and then pointed to Taiho’s face, where a piece of paper was stuck to his cheek “You’ve drooled all over your work”

Taiho hummed and then lifted a hand to his cheek. So he had - an old payment form from a car repair they’d done last week was glued to his face “Uh..” he sheepishly pulled it away, quickly placing it down onto his desk and trying to ignore Higari’s piercing stare

Higari sighed “Go to bed Taiho”

“Higari I’m fine, really“ Taiho attempted to bargain, but he should have know that Higari would not be deterred so easily. Higari rose his brow higher, and tapped his foot - Taiho gulped “S-Seriously, I’m fine!“ Clusmily, Taiho scrapped his arm over his desk in an attempt to shove all his paperwork to one side, but that only made him knock over a pen pot and then his half empty cup of tea, which had gone disgustingly cold hours ago. Higari watched as Taiho then scrambled to pick up the mug and pens “I just- We’re a little behind on paperwork, that’s all! I-I mean-” he did a rolling motion with his hand “With Chikara and Suru actually doind the repairs and Hono with his demolition job, a-and Ma takin’ care of the house-”

Higari sighed and shook his head “Alright, do me a favour” Higari held both of his arms out infront of him “Hold out your arms like this”

Taiho hesitated, sensing an ulterior motive “U-Uhm, I don’t really w-”

“Do it” Higari repeated strenly

Taiho made a noise of discomfort, looking almost embarrassed as he shyly raised his arms out like Higari had shown. His arms where shaky

Higari once again, sighed “You can’t keep workin’ Taiho ya need rest”

Instantly Taiho drew his arms back to him and turned in his chair away from Higari, who didn’t falter despite his brothers whinny, childish behaviour. “I’m fine” Taiho gritted, cheeks turning pink at the fretting “Theres just been more..paperowrk then usual this month” he tried to defuse the situation, shrug off the problem, his attempts where futile as - with stupid ease - Higari yanked Taiho’s chair away from the desk with one hand, drawing a startled yelp from his brother who’s hands grabbed onto the arms of his seat to prevent him from falling out 

“Yer a real stubborn piece a work ya know that?“ Higari said while making his way towards the desk, scooping up handfulls of the scattered forms and placing them into a pile. Taiho went to stand “Ah, Higari, you don’t have to-”

“Sit down, or I’ll make you“ Higari half warned, still cleaning up the paper.

Taiho knew better then to test Higari’s patience, and without a word, promptly sat his rump back into his chair, lips pressed together into a thin line

Higari turned to him briefly, then looked back to his mine field of a desk, one corner of his mouth turned up into a grin at how easy Taiho had been put back in his place. Once you could see the desk again and the paper and pens had been put back in their rightful places, Higari looked back to Taiho, who was slouching and rubbing his neck, looking guilty.

Higari’s tone was softer when he spoke “You know you can’t keep doin’ this to yourself right? Yer not gonna be able to help if you’re contantly burnin’ yourself out. Ya gotta remember to takes breaks every now and again”

“I know..“ Taiho replied quietly, looking far more interested in the floor “It’s just...I dunno“ he shrugged lazily, hands pulling back through his hair “Chikara and Suru are so busy with doing the actual repairin’ and such, and with Hono and his job I-..I-I’m the only one who can really do this stuff“ Higari, sensing Taiho had more to say, simply kept quite and offered Taiho the chance to continue. Which he did: “And if it’s not done, we don’t get the payment through or- o-or the right parts ordered, or the machine part delivered back to the right person! A-And- And then EVERYTHING becomes a mess!“ He threw his arms out for exaggeration, Higari leaned back to avoid getting smacked

“A-And...and...“ Taiho deflated, letting out a long sigh that ended in a groan, his hands cushioned against his face as he rubbed them over his fave, muffling another long groan.

“Hey..“ it was Higari’s turn to talk as he reached forward to put a hand on Taiho’s shoulder. Taiho didn’t pull his face away from his hands, but did peak out to his brother through the gaps between his fingers “Don’t get yourself worked up over what if’s and maybes. You’re smarter then that, heck, you’re probably the smartest kid outta the family!“ Here did Taiho pull his face up from his hands, up close Higari could now see clearly the dark circles under his eyes and how his beard look more scruffier then usual “The town is pretty small, everybody more or less knows each other and their neighbours - has anyone ever gotten mad over a mistake before?“

“No..” Taiho answered, scratching his neck

“Then why would anyone start now? The communicty knows you, Chi and Suru are all runnin’ the business by yourselves, you guys are all good but yer still three people“ Taiho glanced to him and then looked away again, obviously still ashamed at getting so burried under his work load. Higari was unsure what to do, but had an idea pretty quickly “Sides, if anyone gives you trouble, I’ll give em something to really kick up a fuss about”

Worry suddenly overcame Taiho’s face, Higari couldn’t help but snicker “Please..d-don’t do that” Taiho said with a wave off his hand, unsure if Higari had been joking or not.

“Hey, you guys are still my little brother and sisters.“ Higari held a hand proudly to his chest “Only I get to yell at you“ 

“I’m not that little anyone“ Taiho joked lightly, the tiniest of smiles coming to his face as e gestured to, even sitting down, the height difference between the two. Higari gave a dry laugh, rolling his eyes playfully - the short jokes where an easy pick he thought, but he’d let his family and Ecto get away with them. 

“Har har, yeah yeah, you’re a goddamn beanpole“ At the drop of the silly nickname, Taiho let out a light chuckle, which Higari was hoping for “But that’s what big brothers do...and they also tell their little brothers to go sleep“

“Ah..I was kinda hoping you’d forgotten“ Taiho admitted, peering behind him towards the doorway and then back to his desk, hesitant to leave work unfinished. Higari peered back towards the pile of paperwork, compared to the world load he’d had and seen Ecto do, Taiho’s work load looked like a walk in the park. 

“Okay, look-“ Higari pulled Taiho from his chair with strength only Chikara could rival, hoisting Taiho to his feet as he pulled the chair back round to the desk “I’ll finish up your work, and you go and rest. I’ve done this kinda paperwork a hundred times over at UA, so just and goes and rest up for a few hours“

“W-What?“ Taiho blinked down at him “No no! That’s MY work, you don’t have to-“

“Tai, I really don’t mind“ Higari jumped up onto the set, already grabbing at a pen and the first piece of paper of the pile he’d made “You’d offer the same if our roles where reversed, and this way you don’t have to worry about working when you get up“

Taiho looked ready to argue back, so while popping the lid of his pen Higari used his ace card “Ooor I could tell Ma you’ve been over-workin’ again - your choice”

The smugness in Higari’s smirk was grossily obvious as Taiho seemed to freeze up at the mention of their mother. His mother would have his head if she found out he’d gotten in such a state over work, she’d probably ban him from being near a work desk for a week till he was well rested

“U-Uh- N-No no!“ Taiho cracked a nervous chuckle under the pressure “T-Theres no need to get Ma involved“

That’s what I thought, Higari thought, but chose not to voice it. Instead he jabbed a thumb over to the small office sofa “If ya want you can always snooze ‘ere, you ain’t even gotta leave the room if you’re that nervous too”

Taiho eyed the sofa, and then the hallway, before he shuffled over to the red furniture piece on the other side of the room. Taiho laid down, hands on his chest, feet slightly hanging over one arm with his head propped up with one pillow . “Are you SURE you’re okay to do it?” Taiho asked again, sitting up as if preparing to stand up again

“With the amounta paperwork I’ve gotta work through and send off at UA, this stuff I could do with an arm tied behind my back“ Higari finished over the first piece of paper, typed some things up onto the computer screen, then reached for another form “Now stop worryin’ you muttonhead. One nap won’t ki-“

Higari stopped mid sentence at the sound of light snoring

He looked over to the sofa with a hum, and then snickered. Taiho was fast asleep, mouth open in snores, one arm and leg drapped off the sofa with the other leg hanging off the armrest. His hair was sprawled like strings of hay over the cushion behind him, and a small string of drool dribbling from the corner of his mouth. Everyone now and then he’d mutter something incoherent in his sleep, or make a weird expression, but he was thoroughly and utterly fast asleep

With Taiho at last alseep, Higari turned back round to the paperwork

..after he took a very quick picture of course

[noodelak]

MY REALLY OLD ART A LONG ASS POST

So this first piece I found in a folder on my computer called “Old art organize later” within a folder called “ REALLY OLD ART” I drew this in 2006 and the jpeg was titled:

“My most awesome dragon evur”

Also noted was my attempt at signing my name in Japanesef saldkfjsdlf because i was 11 and anime was THEE coolest thing to me.

Okay the rest is going under a read more because this is gonna be LONG

here are some gems from 2007

yes this is a kk slider gijinka faksdjfalsdjf

next up we have my attempt to make super paper mario characters into handsome anime men

it was a this point i was a young baby on deviant art longing to do “digital” art because thats what all the really cool artists did, i didnt have a tablet and the photoshop-esque thing i had was a pirated copy of JASC Paintshop 7 (or maybe it was 8), so what did I make with newly unlocked DIGITAL ART POWERS??

and this charming thing which was my intepretation of what the The Thing Behind the Wall in Johnny the Homicidal Maniac looked like:

but these were only the beginning of my long and arduous journey as an artist, 2009 came and I entered highschool 13 years old and with nothing but the power of deviant art and being an outcast with 2 friends on my side so here are some of my favorites from that era of Noo art:

^^^ this is in fact EXACTLY what i looked like at 13

its kind of funny bc looking back you can absolutely tell id been drawing dragons/wolves since i was like able to hold a pencil but didnt start drawing humanoid characters until i was 12 afjlakfjs

ANYWAYS CARRYING ON BC THERES PLENTY MORE!! For example my Invader Zim/Naruto OCs

yes one of those aliens was kisame

every day knowing that I get to claim ownership over this is truly exhilarating the girl with the pigtails was my OC that was definitely not just me. Her name was Delainbow, she was Sasuke’s daughter and she is truly the epitome of everything that was good about my childhood

WHAT A LEGEND

this is genuinely what I wanted to be when i was 13 god I love it

oh fuck i missed this one from 2008

god  GOd i love these all so much I WAS SO FREE I JUST DREW WHATEVER AND DIDNT CARE

ok just gonna put a few more without comment but these are all 2009 again

Moving on to 2010-2012 era art

shout out to teenage me for still being not the worst at drawing animals

the  freaking EDGE

so there was some point here where i started trying to stop drawing “anime”  bc i was tired of ppl making fun of me so I figured if I didnt draw anime ppl would take me more seriously when in reality those ppl just sucked and so did my highschool art teacher

like... YUCK???? what the fuck was i was I even accomplishing here aksdjfaskjfkasldjf

my wolves still were still way cooler then the rest of my art lol

alright carrying onto late highschool early college, its summer of 2012 im on tumblr, im a homestuck, and ive gotten a laptop and tablet as a gift for getting into art school (yeah I drew like aformentioned above and still got into art school) sadly i dont have any scans of the stuff i drew for that portfolio, it was mostly still lifes i drew like a boot and a skull haha

okay so here are the gems i made upon finally getting a computer of my own, photoshop and bamboo wacom tablet,

here she is my first attempt to paint in photoshop....s fjaskdjfaskljfklasd

the rest of these are all from like my first fall/winter semester of college when i actually started getting a real art education and not just shitty no budget rural hometown highschool art class

So that picture of zachary which is honestly NOT thaaaaaat bad was one of the first things I ever posted to break 500 notes, i think a fewwww of my homestuck drawings had come close after like months of being on the site but like that zachary was one of the first times id genuinely been a little succesful with sharing my art online and im still very grateful to everyone who liked and reblogged it ^u^

After that well, i do have a lot more bad art but its not quite as funny as my pre-college stuff from that point on you mostly just see me struggling to improve anatomy and struggling to get through school (which ultimately took me 8 years to get through bc art school is terrible on your mental health and i had to do the last 4 years as a half time student)

but thats kind of a sad note to end on so heres just a few more gems i think you all should see if you’ve taken the time to read this haha

Thank you if you took the time to scroll through all of this i hope you had a laugh and that if you’re ever feeling down about your art to remember that we all start at the bottom and you can only go up from there no matter how long it takes you! Don’t give up and honestly just draw your truth <3

[scratchbandicoot]

Based on this lovely lil thing

He swears on all the comedy shows he’s ever watched, this would be the exact moment where things would freeze frame, record scratch, and insert corny line, like, “Hi, I’m Steve, you’re probably wondering how i got here-“

And normally, in a situation like this one, it wouldn’t at all be the case. Baking is like, a seriously mundane thing a lot of people do. Mostly housewives, grandmas or kids with their parents but it just so happens that Steve is the one doing the baking right now- and it should have gone without a hitch. So, 20 minutes of digging into the cabinets of his mom’s cook books- he began. He wanted it to be good, not a cop out box of mix because making it from scratch makes it more special. And it’s a fucking cake; how hard could it really be?

Apparently super fucking hard actually. Because what should have been a completely mundane, simple task that takes like 40 minutes tops- Steve was left with this. Referring to the absolute disaster that is his kitchen. There’s like, 8 eggshells scattered all over the countertop- one somehow ending up on the floor and another on his knee. There is a spilling bag of sugar on its side creating a hectic little pile that leaks onto the stove top- (Thank god for his parents expensive ass glass-top stoves.) Somehow he managed to spill olive oil around the sink when the recipe doesn’t even call for it- and to top it all off there is flour covering every inch of the kitchen and himself. The apron he has on does absolutely nothing, the powder covering his pastel blue cashmere button up- and he’s sure he somehow managed to get flour on places where the sun don’t shine. He’s three hours 45 minutes deep at this point and he knows he’s literally about to cry. He can feel his eyes burning with frustration and a huge lump tightening his throat with the threat of unshed tears. How did he get to this point? Well, lets backtrack.

It’s Billy’s birthday tomorrow . Steve has always done something special on Billy’s birthdays- even though he is like, super weird about gifts and being given things. Seriously, last time Steve gave Billy just a dumb little birthday card with snoopy dancing, and text that read ‘a big-smiling, fun-having, great-feeling birthday’- his nose srunched up like he had to sneeze and he gave the most awkward thanks followed by a back pat that- felt so absolutely “hiya pal” that Steve cackled out loud to the point he was in tears. Billy just burned red and sputtered all irritated, “Stop fucking laughing, Harrington.” Guy just cannot handle shows of affection.

This though, was a little more special. A little more personal than a rinky-dink peanuts birthday card- because billy really loved confetti cake. It brought back memories of his mom; how they used to bake the cake together on his younger birthdays, and how much he really missed it. Nothing could really beat the warmth of those memories, or the fondness painting Billy’s face when he recalled them- but goddamit- steve was gonna try, was trying, his actual best. He even convinced Keith that he’d take his next Saturday shift if he let him off the hook today to do this. His nonna had baked with him when he was young-like, 6- so he figured he’d pick it back up. Which was so not the case here. It’s safe to say he is more than a little rusty. So rusty in fact, that his old bike that he got for his 12th birthday that sits in the garage decaying and untouched, had absolutely nothing on him right now.

The first try was peppy; with a shimmy of hips and a waving whisk to the song playing from the sound system in the living room, and Steve thought genuinely that he did it right. He might have, maybe, with the recipe, but the lump of coal that was pulled out of the oven indicated heavily to the opposite. The smoke in the kitchen made Steve cough and gag, having to open up all the windows along with the screen door. The second attempt was a different outcome. Terrible, but different. A cake with singed edges and a liquidy inside that stuck to the pan and got scraped out with an uncermonious plop into the garbage. Mush, really, something akin to the texture of apple sauce. The third attempt Steve really focused, he swears, but that just ended up with a cake that didnt even rise and he was back to square 1 before he knew it with a beautifully new sense of defeat.

So, before he had an actual mental break over a goddamn cake he knew 7 year olds could make better, he called up Ms. Henderson for help. The lady is practically a god when it comes to baking and he really does not know how she does it. Whips out cookies and tarts and cupcakes like it’s going out of style.

“Hmm...oh! Sweetie, I think it might be the cornstarch. It sinks to the bottom of the pan if you don’t add baking soda- did you add baking soda?”

Steve glances at the forgotten unopened box of baking soda leaned against the stoves backsplash. He slaps himself mentally.

“Um, no. No i did not do that.”

“Well then, that’s it! You simply forgot a key ingredient is all. Not a big deal in the slightest.” Ms. Henderson was always very sweet to steve. Maybe because Dustin had become a little brother to him, but she never ever made him feel dumb. Always assured him mistakes are simply human.

“Right, right, yeah. I’ll add that. Thank you Ms. Henderson.” Steve goes to run a hand through his hair but is met with the headband pulling Steve’s hair from his eyes.

“Its Claudia sweetie, you know that.” Steve could hear the smile in her voice. She makes him feel better.

She gave a few more tips, how just white sugar might dry out the cake when used too much and using brown sugar will make the cake’s texture fluffier. He thanks her and hangs up with a sigh. Back to work.

He follows each step meticulously, following Claudia’s directions to a T and slips it into the oven; prays to god that this will be the last time he tries this. He’s only got one egg left and the overly sweet assortment of smells is starting to make him nauseous. After 45 excruciating minutes, Steve huffs and pulls out the cake. It looks... actually it looks like a cake. He smiles crookedly- holding his breath as he slips the cake onto the tray. It comes out in one piece, albeit lopsided, Steve whoops. He finally fucking did it- the cake actually looks like a confetti cake- and Steve is just so fucking proud of it, already going in to make the frosting before theres a ring at the door.

He frowns, wiping the flour on his watch head. It’s midnight- 12:07 am. Jesus christ, he started this at 7 pm, he didn’t even realize-

He hurries up to the door trying to wipe off the flour and make himself semi presentable. The door swings open and it’s Billy. He’s holding a six pack of Natural Light and a smirk that warps into a surprised raise of his eyebrows at Steve’s current state. He’s sure he must like he just ran a drug cartel or something.

“Hi, pretty boy.” Billy says as he walks in, checking Steve up and down. “Whats uh, whats up with your threads? Look like you jumped head first into coke or got real personal with Frosty the Snowman”

Stve rolls his eyes. His breath catches when he sees Billy start walking to the kitchen. He runs and blocks Billy in the doorway.

“You can’t go in there.”

Billy frowns, “What, you actually got drugs in there or somethin’?”

“No- you just- you can’t go in there. Not allowed.”

“Cmon baby whatcha got in there?” Billy starts to nudge past him; never was good at waiting.

“Wait, no- Billy- don’t-“

Billy takes in the state of the kitchen with a confused look and low whistle before his eyes land on the unfrosted confetti cake sitting on the kitchen island in all it’s lopsided glory. He freezes.

Steve waddles up behind him; following his gaze as he chews on his lip.

“I’m sorry, didn’t have time to make the frosting. Wanted it to be a surprise.” Steve scratches the nape of his neck sheepishly.

Billy’s still just standing there, and for a moment Steve is afraid he overstepped. That he was hijacking a moment from Billy’s mom that was only okay to do if she did it. He tries to get a read on Billy from his side profile since Billy is only turned slightly towards him but he can’t. A few more seconds of Billy standing there- and what Steve hopes is stunned silence- before Billy quietly murmurs,

“You made me a confetti cake?”

Steve holds his breath after a strained little, “Yeah.” The unshed tears from earlier are threatening to fall again, “You said you loved confetti cake, and that it made you happy. Wanted to make you happy.”

Billy spins on his heel fast, catching Steve’s face in his hands and lips with his own. Steve’s heart bursts and jerks a little with the surprise. It’s a chaste thing, just a press of lips, before Billy pulls away.

“You’re so... you just...” Billy trailed off and it was, like, a huge thing for Steve in that moment. Billy? Speechless? Steve never thought he’d see the day. It makes his face heat but his heart full and he beams.

“I’m... what?” He draws out.

“Fuckin’- somethin’. You’re somethin’ else.” Billy tugs him in by the waist and uses the other hand to swipe at the flour on Steve’s cheek. He looks so goddamn fond it makes Steve’s heart rate skyrocket.

“Is it okay?”

Billy hums, “It’s so okay. So much better than okay.”

He presses sweet little kisses to Steve’s lips and Steve can’t stop smiling.

“Well,” he says between pecks, “I wanted to do something special.”

Billy hums again, kisses trailing pepper like to his cheeks, his forehead, his nose and now down his neck.

Steve fights down the urge to shiver as he wraps his arms around the other’s shoulders. But-then he feels a wetness at the crook of his neck and makes a soft concerned noise at the back off his throat. He tugs Billy gently off and is met with blue, glassy eyes. Billy was tearing up.

“Thank you.” Billy says wetly, gently, before hugging Steve tight. “God- i- thank you.”

Steve smiles sweetly, hands going into Billy’s hair. He doesn’t ask because he doesn’t need to. Knows that this is Billy being happy, knows that this isn’t bad, knows Billy. Loves Billy.

Steve pokes Billy’s sides- grins, “Happy birthday, baby.” And punctuates it with a kiss.

[silver-wield]

Hey so I was wondering if you did/could do an analysis on clouds various panic attacks ptsd episodes and how he responds to each one I’m interested to read your thoughts on each one since you usually bring a new perspective to the table for me so thanks for that!

All of Cloud's ptsd attacks? Damn, that's a lot of searching I've got to do. I might not find them all. I'll do my best but you'll have to let me off if I miss a couple lol

Ok, spoiler warning for ppl who haven’t played – do I still need to do this? Eh ok, (I tag FF7R spoilers as final fantasy 7 remake spoilers) and it’s gonna be long.

Also, this is one person’s interpretation of the scene, so if you disagree that’s cool and we’ll agree to disagree.

You’re also gonna have to excuse the janky quality on some of the screens, I’m grabbing them from Youtube and it’s frustrating af trying to get the exact moment I want.

Please check my master post to see if I've already covered your question, thanx

Recap time!

I explain Cloud's entire backstory which covers his PTSD and other issues here, so that should do for a recap right?

A further thing to note is that PTSD affects people differently and in Cloud's case it manifests as a psychological taunt in the form of Sephiroth. Embodiying his sense of failure, lack of self-esteem and self-actualisation, this version of Sephiroth is the one that Cloud reacts to the most strongly. This is the one that makes him whimper with fear and react on instinct instead of observing the situation and attacking. This is the one he fears, and it's a part of himself wearing a monster's face. Why Sephiroth? Who else has done him more harm? Sephiroth killed his mother, Tifa (so he assumes), burned his hometown to the ground and was indirectly responsible for his best friend's death, too.

And Cloud couldn't do a thing about it. He is the manifestation of everything that Cloud hates and fears about himself. Because of this, he's dissociated from much of his feelings. He still feels, but at a lesser degree than he should were he fully in touch with his real self.

Moseying on.

The first PTSD induced attack isn't actually prompted by Sephiroth himself, although he does feature in it. Cloud's first attack happens when he sees the destruction of sector 8 and buildings burning. This gives him the association of the last time he saw a burning building, which happened when his village burned. The sensory input of sights, sounds and smells prompted the memory, which combined with the high stress situation and Cloud's own latent anxiety and guilt for his part in this chaos.

You see a close up of Cloud's eye as it widens and real!Cloud's memory pushes to the forefront of his mind – remember, these memories are things SOLDIER!Cloud can't access at will, which is why they cause him pain when it happens.

Theres a static noise in the background, which is meant to convey a type of ringing in Cloud's ears and then the building's facade morphs to that of his house with the fence around it.

While much of what Sephiroth says is in line with this being a separate being from Cloud and not merely his own subconscious taunting him, there are elements of it being a combination of both. This is in line with the OG where Sephiroth was able to get in Cloud's head and make him doubt his own sense of self. With what we know of how Jenova's cells manipulate Cloud, it's believable that Sephiroth is both a separate being manipulating Cloud to his own ends and partly an aspect of Cloud's psyche that exists to push blame on him for everything. It's the representation of his mental illness that he struggles to fight.

Obviously, there's no fire, so Cloud sweating and breathless is because they're physical symptoms of his PTSD induced trauma.

Sephiroth's taunting lines about how he killed Cloud's mother are overkill when you consider the real Sephiroth's personality. The combination of the overarching Sephiroth and Cloud's PTSD version make a powerful foe that he never really beats. This is a metaphor for the fact those with mental illness are never really free. It's a lifetime battle and even if they're in recovery, that demon is just waiting for one weak moment when they can get them back in their grip.

You can hear Cloud gasp in this scene as once again Sephiroth appears to taunt him. He's not fully recovered from the last attack and now there's another right on top of it. Sephiroth appearing is once again partly Cloud's own trauma and partly the Jenova cells in him warping his perception and allowing Sephiroth to mess with him.

Unlike the time before, this Sephiroth vision is a simple taunt that Cloud is too weak to save anyone. This is his guilt and self-loathing talking about how he couldn't save his mom, Tifa or his town. It could also be hinting that he couldn't save Zack either.

The hidden implication of this scene is the fact that Sephiroth puts his hand on Aerith's shoulder. This is the only time Sephiroth touches anyone besides Cloud.

The next time Cloud has an attack is during the reactor 5 mission. This happens because of Tifa's presence drawing out the painful memory of the Nibelheim reactor where he believed she died after facing down Sephiroth.

Even in the midst of his PTSD attack he looks to Tifa. She doesn't know what's happening with him and he backs away from taking a chance to confide in her, but even during this moment when he's showing weakness he has very good eye contact with her. He's looking her directly in the eye, which he wouldn't do if he wasn't comfortable with her. This shows that Cloud sees her as a source of comfort and support.

You can see the lingering doubt on his face here after he dismisses the attack. He's not aware of what the memory means because he's not in touch with the full story – that belongs to real!Cloud kept hidden away. He knows it's left him unsettled and feeling like a failure. This is one of the few times I've seen that Cloud doesn't dismiss out of hand the content of the attacks.

Tifa repeats a phrase she said back then and Cloud's sense of failure surfaces, causing him pain and to freeze up. We get a voice over from real!Cloud referring to the time he believes he let Tifa down. Before the SOLDIER persona can get too deep into it or question what he means, Barret yells for him to focus. Cloud shakes off the paralysing feelings, but that doesn't stop Tifa asking it he's ok, which he dismisses again. This is typical of truama survivors pushing their feelings down and attempting to function without ever truly dealing with the source of their pain.

This next flash is prompted by the events during chapter 8 where the children get into trouble and Cloud has to rescue them. It echoes a similar even in his past where Tifa climbed Mt Nibel and fell, despite his best efforts to save her. She spent a week in a coma and Cloud was blamed for the incident and told to stay away from her.

The past emotions of guilt and failure mingle with the present situation to prompt a flash of pain as the memory of Tifa surfaces. It's his feelings of guilt and having failed her that cause the pain, not Tifa herself because when he says to Aerith he doesn't know how to explain he turns to the spot where he saw the vision of Tifa and smiles wistfully. This means Tifa herself doesn't cause him pain. The feelings he has about himself, do.

Chapter 13 and omg I love this freak out! I'm sorry, but this is such a great moment for Cloud and really highlights how low he is at this point. This shows the depth that we miss from him always having his SOLDIER persona taking charge. He's just lived through a tragedy. He's seen the girl he likes in pieces and trying to hold it together. He wants to comfort her. He wants to be himself, but he can't because he's just not good enough. He's feeling like a failure in more ways than one. He lost people too, goddamnit!

Then, in a misguided attempt to distract Tifa from her pain, he stumbles right into a trigger point for his own trauma. Of course he wouldn't know this. It's one of those flashes of Sephiroth ranting about his role and Jenova and shit. (I might have mistakenly said this was a future-flash somewhere, but then I remembered he does this rant right before he kills everyone in Nibelheim).

There's very little blocking to the memory. This is pretty well sealed by real!Cloud compared to his other memories. Even painful ones of Tifa have more context than this. This is something that is so damaging to Cloud's psyche that he can't even fill in the space around it.

So, we get the same kind of staticky noise we heard in chapter 2 when the vision of Sephiroth showed. Cloud gasps pretty loud here tbf. He's unguarded because of the vision and possibly his own distraction about what he's just been through. He wasn't prepared to see Sephiroth here even more than he was back in chapter 2 when he had a full on panic attack.

I mean, his pupils are seriously dilated here. Boi is scared.

Cloud's whimpering and my heart breaks for him. Sephiroth is hitting all his weakest points by bringing up failure and mentioning it's not the first time that's happened. Cloud's at a low point already, so it's not unexpected he backs away from this rather than tries to fight. This isn't SOLDIER!Cloud. This is real!Cloud. The fear has driven real!Cloud to the surface and he wants to run away, just like Sephiroth taunted back in chapter 2.

“Through suffering you will grow strong. Isn't that what you want?”

Clearly not by the look on Cloud's face. The part of him that's real!Cloud within this moment looks like he wants to scream that he's had enough of being in pain. He wants to shake his head and deny that he deserves it. What did he ever do wrong?

I feel like this is more of Cloud's own subconscious taunting him and implying that he deserves everything bad that happens to him, rather than it being the external Sephiroth manipulating Jenova's cells. He's saying Cloud secretly wants to suffer because that's all he should ever get in life. He thinks if he suffers enough pain that he'll be stronger for it, instead of the broken person that he really is. This is the type of thing people who’ve lived through trauma deal with every single day. It’s a never ending barrage of not feeling good enough and worrying that your entire existence is a bother to society. Not even just those close to you, you are a blight on the world. That Cloud’s internal trauma is so deeply rooted in this figure of Sephiroth narrows his focus and makes him project all of his fears onto him. It’s no wonder he freezes.

Now, not strictly a PTSD glitch, but it does provoke a very strong reaction from Cloud, and definitely plays into his fears, so I'm gonna include this one on the proviso it's more fear motivated.

This is the moment he sees Tifa stabbed during the VR cut scene. Sephiroth hijacked it to show them meteor, but then he also killed Tifa and then Barret. We know later on that Barret actually dies, so having seen this, Cloud may well relate back to this deep seated fear that he can't save Tifa and she'll die because of him and it'll cause further attacks. This is also a callback to the time in the reactor in Nibelheim when Tifa was stabbed by Sephiroth and Cloud couldn't save her – this ties to the PTSD flashback he had during the reactor 5 mission where he saw Tifa picking up Sephiroth's sword, so it's got precedence to cause him further trauma once he connects the dots. The fact it provokes such a strong emotional response from him – so much so that his entire face changes – I suspect that real!Cloud came out to motivate him to run to her out of the fear he'd just seen her die in front of him – again. The shock and disbelief on his face, the utter heartbreak. His expression changes from SOLDIER!Cloud to real!Cloud in less than 3 seconds. I checked. As a trigger for his trauma, Cloud's fear of losing Tifa pushes him to a lot of things he wouldn't normally do.

This is more of a memory glitch than PTSD since it's tied to the grunt recognising Cloud and calling him out on the false memories he has of being a SOLDIER. He says they went through training together and Cloud's eyes narrow as though he's trying to reconcile a truth against a lie. The truth that real!Cloud was a grunt and SOLDIER!Cloud is a fake.

There's some distress on his face here that links back to the point during the airbuster battle when he first learned about cell degradation. He knows what he believes is true isn't quite right, but he can't figure out why. SOLDIER!Cloud is unaware of the SOLDIER persona he constructed to protect his real self from further trauma. In OG when Cloud finds out – through Sephiroth’s skewed af bullshit – it causes a complete mental break, so real!Cloud's right to be wary of triggering himself because he's not in a good enough place to deal with what he's done to protect himself. He'd blame himself for being even more weak than he thought.

This is more interesting. Usually whenever anyone questions Cloud about his false identity he claims it, while also rejecting it by saying “ex-SOLDIER”, but in Hojo's case, he seems to hesitate, as though part of him knew it would be questioned and wouldn't hold up. Since Hojo's the one who did this to Cloud, it's likely the truth of what happened couldn't be kept back by the SOLDIER lies.

Pained again, Cloud turns his head away, as though he can shut out the truth. Hojo's image glitches for him and it's reminiscent of the OG moment where Cloud confronts Hojo and asks if he can be a proper experiment instead of a failed one (or something like that. I haven't played OG in like 5 years)

The trauma from what Hojo's done is quickly brushed under the carpet thanks to the arrival of the whispers. This is the second time they appear to prevent Cloud learning too much about his past too early. (Dammit, I forgot about deep ground, I'll circle back to it or I'll lose the order for my screenshots)

I'm not including the long corridor walk prompted by Jenova because that's a loading screen and also it happens not because of anything that Cloud experienced in the location, but because the outside influence of Jenova called to him. His only association with Jenova is the infusion of cells, though how he got them does set off attacks. Actually, here's a good point for the deep ground screen.

Preview of zombie Cloud for Mideel anyone? I mean, what can I say? He's totally checked out and it's scary. No wonder he doesn't wanna remember any of it if this is what he was like at the time. Imagine being so doped up with mako that you're not even you any longer? Having experiments carried out on you and god knows what else. Being stuffed in a chamber jammed full of alien dna and left to see what happens.

This is what broke him. I'd say it's similar to the faceless Squall cut scene from the end of FF8. It's chilling. No wonder he crafted an entire persona to protect himself from remembering this.

So this is the culmination of all the other attacks he's had. We get flashback elements from several that threaten to overwhelm Cloud. He's clutching his head. He's in serious pain and can't do anything. He manages to push through and ask if it's really Sephiroth. He then grabs his left arm when it begins to hurt. This is because Sephiroth is left handed. This is also the same arm that had the major infection of geostigma in AC.

Conclusion

Cloud is a messed by puppy and I ship him with therapy.

PTSD is a tricky thing to accurately show, especially in this case when it's not all totally mental illness and there are outside factors that skew how it's portrayed. Part of Sephiroth is within Cloud, though I do suspect it's more of an aspect of his own feelings of self-loating and doubt than it is actually Sephiroth. That's not to say there isn't also a genuine part of Sephiroth within these visions influencing Cloud to do what he wants, but I think it comes down to the context of the moment.

Cloud's been through a lot of shit and fronts like nothing else. He's managed to get away without any kind of vices or coping mechanisms besides this alternate persona that actually does ok in following the real!Cloud's lead when his deeper urges motivate SOLDIER!Cloud into doing things. I mean there's a point where there's a clear debate between the two about dancing for Andrea. All that back and forth eye movement and then the grimace and “fine, for Tifa” expression wasn't necessary if it was just SOLDIER!Cloud.

It's gonna be hard for Cloud to hear that he's not real in the sense that he thinks he is. It's gonna break him. We've got a preview of his scary vacant Mideel look and it's terrifying. Major props to Tifa for refusing to give up on him.

[dafukdidiwatch]

As Above So Below

This somehow both scared and bored me at the same time

<Lots Of Major Spoilers>

Overview

: After years of searching, Treasure Hunter Scarlet finds a clue that would lead her to the fabled Philosopher's Stone somewhere in Paris. She gathers together a crew to find the stone in the catacombs of Paris, but there are other things that lurk down below.

I would consider myself a big time movie/tv person. Have I seen everything? No. Do I like watching anything? Yeah, I'll give it a chance. I like most genres.

Horror though, I have mixed feelings.

Now, I'm gonna be honest, it was hard trying to go into this movie open minded. I have a love/hate relationship with the Horror genre of movies. Older classics like John Carpenter's Thing, Alien, even Scream are movies I adore. But...modern horror movies are a pain to me. I hate how they use shortcuts to try and scare me with random ass Jump-scare for no purpose other than to scare me. It's ridiculous! I can call out when the jump-scares happen, and they Still scare me because of the freaking sound track!

Anyway. I felt it would be unfair for me to say how much I like/dislike the movie without mentioning my preferences. If you like the newer horror movies, awesome, you do you, but for me, its like one of those gatchapon machines where theres a 50/50,chance you'll like it or not.

With that out of the way, lets Actually start talking about the movie.

The movie is shot in Found Footage style and that already added a tally against it in the 1st minute. I am not a fan of found footage. I know that it's popular to make it cheap and personal, but it makes it so hard to follow what is going on. When they are being chased or attacked, I don't know whats happening! Its too dark to tell, the camera is jostling around making me slightly nauseous, and if it does show something, its only for like 5 seconds unless it is stupidly close! There were parts that felt more like watching a Let's Play of a 1st person horror game. Run Run Run, Punch Monster, Run.

It is due to this 1st Person view that, not gonna lie, I barely followed how they got into the catacombs in the first place. Scarlett was in Iran...then she went to France, then...a church to pick up a reverse vandalizer, club, tunnel, catacombs. I can remember the place order, but like hell can I remember what exactly they were saying. All of that took 30 minutes and I was bored out of my mind. And the things that I do remember, they just sort of randomly popped up? Like, they were discussing on whether to jump into the hole

There are parts of the movie that I think was their attempts to build atmosphere, but sort of came out of left field. They say a pale woman walk away from a club: ok. They see her...directing the creepy ass ghost choir?? No idea what that was about. Then They ran into statues that just....came to life to bite at them??? This,was Never Mentioned as potential threats anywhere, it was as if the movie decided it needs random encounters to fill the climax, which is a shame because the tension in this in the middle was really good.

In the middle, when they are Finally going underground to when things got fucked, had a good tense build up. Showing landmarkers that shouldn't be on their route later on. Local lore of "don’t go down the cursed tunnel" (PSA: If the locals say don't do something, don't do it). They get trapped trying to crawl through a pile of bones. Now that part wasn't scary, but was Very Uncomfortable, especially if you have claustrophobia. They have just...random ass things appear like a Piano and Phone which, these people are dumbasses for thinking those things are natural to be there, but does add a good "what the hell" moment that just pikes on. I thought they might go the whole "vague supernatural tunnel turning tricks and getting them to turn on each other" route instead of "slowing pick one off one by one" type. And maybe that’s what they were trying to have, but it was still random monsters popping out to attack so... c'est la vie. 

Another thing I take issue with is part of the lore they use for the Philosophers stone. First, they use the legends and work of alchemists. And that’s pretty cool. Like mystical National Treasure, unlock secret symbols and solve chemical problems. There was a part where they had to figure out the number of celestial planets in the sky based on what century the stone came from since it kept changing over the years, that part was pretty clever. I didn’t know the information, but i appreciated the history.

But they just add random bits from around the world to be like "ooh they connected" like, ok. They have alchemist lore, 14th century Flamel. Makes sense. Then they add a mummy of a crusades guy. I don't know which crusades, but it doesn't matter since he was used more as a prop than plot device. Hell it might be Flamel himself, I don’t know. Then they throw...Ancient Egypt....Sure. Why not. Alchemists could go to Egypt to learn then stick hieroglyphics and traps in the french catacombs. Given how I don't know anything about alchemists history, I'll go with it.

What I WONT accept is them calling Dante's Inferno Mythology! That is Bullshit! I call BullShit! That! Is where I DRAW THE LINE!!

Because they carved "abandon all hope he who enter here" into the tunnel wall when things turned batshit and thats where i gave up on the lore.

Dante's Divine Comedy is not a myth! It is a poem! A poem written by Dante about Christain ideology of what heaven and hell is like! But the movie doesn't give a shit. The line just sounds cool to have as they go deeper into the tunnels!

If they just went with Dante references and alchemist lore, I would have been fine there. The main reason I got angry at that part with Scarrlet saying about "Dantes myth" is that she knows like 5 languages + 2 dead ones, all this backstory and alchemist stuff, and she doesn't know that inferno was a poem? Yes, part of that is semantics and technicalities, but it sort of pulled me out of the world a bit. Because at that point, it felt like they were picking and choosing lore to fit in because it sounded cool. Have an egyptian trap! Why? Because it was cool! Have hieroglyphic puzzle to find the stone? Sure, don’t know why it’s in France but whatever!  I dont know. It threw me off because it felt like they were adding too much, which is a shame because some of the Dante references like traveling through a pool of blood was really good.

I don't get the visions. I really don't. Like...random pianos and telephones just appear on level one of their journey, that calls out to their memory. Which is...bizzare. Especially since they actually touch the freaking things. Like, don't touch the childhood piano! It will make things worse! Seriously! White people!

You later learn that the visions come from their sins (like the one and only tormented sin they got) and it is only when I googled the end of the movie did I learn that they have to acknowledge their sins or die. Which if you have to google the movie to understand the message, the message didn't go through. And opens up to more questions.

Because there were other people that died that didn't get to see their sin visions. George and Scarlett got taunted with pianos and objects since the 1st floor. What about Benji? He was followed by the creepy ghost choir and fell down a hole. Tell me what sin that means. Do They....all have sins, or did the vague demons here have to kill off the innocent ones first before putting the focus on the true targets?

And Scarlett finding out that the power was in her all along? What? Did she...consume the power? Was it transferred? Did she have it since she was born? Does she still have it? It felt like a bad moment to throw in a self esteem psa in this movie.

I will give the movie credit though, i liked how they were forced to go down to get out. When everything turns to shit and they have to do the same things they did but in reverse order, but still forced to go down, that was good. It adds to the tension of "holy fuck how are they gonna get out is this even the right path?" And that last scene with the manhole, gorgeous. Really truly gorgeous. It just shakes you to the core with what you are seeing.

But Overall.....yeah did not like this movie. Wasn't a fan of shakey cam. Wasn’t a fan of the "gotcha" jump scares. The movie felt a little more uncomfortable than scary to me with the claustrophobia. There were a bunch of times where I had to check how long was left in the movie because I was really bored with what was happening. I did like the use of alchemist lore, the Egyptian trap scene, and the end scene, but just wished they stuck to one part than try to mash up different myths to fit.

And if they wanted to stick with Dante, fine. Apparently this entire movie was an allegory of Dantes inferno. (Thanks google) But while i can appreciate looking back on it in hindsight, it doesn't change the fact that I really didn't "get" the symbolic nature of what they were trying to do in the initial watch. Maybe if I rewatch it I would appreciate it more, but I would just skip like half the movie to the actual cave exploring part because I am not sitting through the full thing again. 

If you like horror movies with historic flair, this might be for you. But its not my cup of gatorade.

[michaelmilkers]

I saw in one of your tags that you mentioned how 21 pilots made emo pretentious and im actually curious about why you say that (not hate i just never knew about them that much)

my friend you have asked me about a topic i am very knowledgeable and very angry about so prepare yourself for what you have wrought

it isnt just twenty one pilots but theyre just the biggest and most popular example

like. take my chemical romance in the early-mid 2000s aka the peak of emo. it was very melodramatic and theatrical, the way emo should be. there was a presence of “we are not like other people” in a lot of the songs, but it was never just that. it was more of a “we have been cast out and we kinda suck but thats okay.” one of the best examples of this is, ironically, i’m not okay.

take, for example, the opening to the mtv music video:

[Ray] You like D&D, Audrey Hepburn, Fangoria, Harry Houdini and croquet. You can't swim, you can't dance and you don't know karate. Face it, you're never gonna make it. [Gerard] I don't wanna make it, I just wanna...

this immediately establishes the song as being about social outcasts and people who dont fit the mold. the fucking tag line of the song is “i’m not okay” ffs, that really tells you all you need to know about the song. but the important thing is it doesnt take itself too seriously either. the music video takes place in a private school, and shows scenes of the band members eating lunch alone, being bullied by jocks and preps, etc., but it ALSO shows scenes of frank putting swim goggles on in chemistry class and ray drawing on his test with a crayon and then licking it, and at the end they all ambush and beat the shit out of a guy in a mascot costume. all of this is cut up by text saying things like “if you ever felt alone” “if you ever felt wronged” “if you ever felt anxious”

do you see the juxtaposition here? the music video could very very easily be a fake deep bullying psa, but its not, because while theyre getting bullied and playing their music in a garage they are also, unequivocally, total fucking losers for obvious comedic effect. it is a very exaggerated and lighthearted version of real phenomena, which makes it more relatable to a wider audience.

the same can be said about the song itself. it has some pretty heavy and angsty lyrics (”i’m not o-fucking-kay”) but the instrumentals are punchy and energetic and catchy and gerard’s vocal delivery is very theatrical but also very deliberate and he still puts real emotion in the words. it sounds like its taking the piss out of not being okay, which is exactly what i as a clinically depressed 13 year old needed, and i bet a lot of other people can say the same. i’m a loser and thats okay. i fucking suck in school and thats okay. i feel shitty and thats okay. i’m not okay and that, in itself, is okay.

with twenty one pilots, on the other hand, there is no theatrics, theres no taking the piss, theres no over-the-top melodrama that made emo what it was. 

take, for comparison, the opening lines of heathens:

All my friends are heathens, take it slow Wait for them to ask you who you know Please don't make any sudden moves You don't know the half of the abuse

and this presents, immediately, one of my biggest criticisms of twenty one pilots: their rampant appropriation of mental illness.

because my first thought when hearing this is as an abuse survivor and someone with ptsd they can kiss every single square inch of my ass.

Welcome to the room of people Who have rooms of people that they loved one day Docked away Just because we check the guns at the door Doesn't mean our brains will change from hand grenades You're loving on the psychopath sitting next to you You're loving on the murderer sitting next to you You'll think, "How'd I get here, sitting next to you?"

they try to do the same kind of nuanced poetic lyrics that my chemical romance did and in my opinion is just doesnt fucking work because they take themselves SO. FUCKING. SERIOUSLY. it sounds JOYLESS. 

and the song closes out with this:

Why'd you come? You knew you should have stayed (It's blasphemy) I tried to warn you just to stay away (Away) And now they're outside ready to bust (To bust) It looks like you might be one of us

this is what i mean by pretentious. there is a clear separation of the person/people from whose point of view the song is told and the people the song is meant to be listened to by from the greater population, but theres no high energy or comedic self deprecation to counteract it. 

now take some lyrics from heavydirtysoul, a song i actually really like the sound of, im not just shitting on this band bc its not to my taste yall:

There's an infestation in my mind's imagination I hope that they choke on smoke 'cause I'm smoking them out the basement This is not rap, this is not hip-hop Just another attempt to make the voices stop

Nah, I didn't understand a thing you said If I didn't know better I'd guess you're all already dead Mindless zombies walking around with a limp and a hunch Saying stuff like, "You only live once." You've got one time to figure it out One time to twist and one time to shout One time to think and I say we start now Sing it with me if you know what I'm talking about

right back at it again with that appropriation of mental illness symptoms! and some dumbass critique of our generation that doesnt fit in with the rest of the song at all, closing out the verse with “we are not like you” shit. the vocal delivery at least has more energy than heathens, but the lyrics just feel like a mishmash of different points theyre trying to make that have nothing to do with each other.

the best line of the song is undoubtedly “death inspires me like a dog inspires a rabbit” but its poetic just... for the sake of being poetic? its one of those lyrics that sounds like someone came up with and was like “bro we gotta put that in a song” but then couldnt actually figure out how to fit it into a song in a way that would flow. another example of this is “i cant drown my demons they know how to swim” in bring me the horizon’s can you feel my heart. not shitting on bring me the horizon, i really like sempiternal, but thats another line thats just poetic for the sake of being poetic. and to be put on t-shirts. i know this because when i was 12 i had a shirt that said “i cant drown my demons they know how to swim” on it.

i could do more analysis on other mcr songs, namely welcome to the black parade and famous last words, but i would be here for literal hours and idk if people actually care that much.

to sum my points up:

they take themselves too seriously. they appropriate and romanticize mental illness (forgot to mention that top’s website, at one time, described their music as “schizoid pop” lol). they pull a lot of “We Are Not Like Other People..,.,.,,...” shit. 

that last point is not inherently a bad thing, for example the new slipknot album is literally called “we are not your kind” but the song that contains that line as a lyric is all out life, and corey taylor is screaming that entire song and the instrumentals are reminiscent of speed metal with how fucking energetic they are. its edgy and its GREAT. twenty one pilots just sounds like they think theyre the shit.

also, and i want you to read the following sentence in a bass boosted voice to best understand how i feel when i say this:

the twenty one pilots cover of cancer is an embarrassment that completely misses the point of the original song and changed it into a weird amalgamation of lo-fi synth pop.

emo music is dead. thank u and goodnight.

[jangbyul]

I was debating whether I should post this here but i decided that I would because more than anything I want to be able to remember this experience and for those who continue to read this post, maybe it can provide them with more insight on how things operate at Kpop concerts. also, I hope this post can provide some laughter and that whoever reads it, will fall in love with vixx even more because heck I sure did <3 

warning: the following blurbs you are about to read contains many many grammatical error and may not even make sense because I wrote it after the concert at around 2am in an attempt to remember everything so please bear with me OTL I also didn't go into too much detail about the format and setlist because I mainly wanted to remember the things VIXX did and their cute interactions with one another. enjoy! 

----

Rehearsal

They came out in their casual clothes and omg they looked so freaking fluffy!!! And can I just say that they have such amazing skin like holy they didn’t have makeup on but they still looked pretty and glowy and flawless like how? Hongbin was in this navy long zip hoodie and a plain white shirt paired with blacked jeans? Damn he looked so good in such a simple outfit! Poor bb looked so sleepy though :( hyukkie omg I feel bad because I don’t remember exactly what he was wearing but I think he was wearing a white shirt as well? I was too focused on him being adorable and teasing Leo haha so they performed 2 songs during rehearsal - good night and good morning as well as dynamite and during dynamite hyuk playfully tapped Leo’s cap xD so yeah Leo was wearing a baseball cap with Chicago on it? And his outfit was mostly white, I would say his was the most laid back for sure! Ravi was in a black tee and black pants and a black beanie as well (all black lol) i am sad to say that Ravi looked tired as well and didn’t smile much but he still killed his rap parts though! Next is hakyeon! That boy was dressed up looking chic as hell! He was also in an all black outfit but he had a leather? jacket on and black skinny jeans. He looked like he was in a good mood because he smiled quite often and said some things to the audience. Last but definitely not least is jaehwan. He was in a black hoodie which this scary picture of a doll on it lol as well as black jeans. He was sooo freaking smiley and there were times where he kinda bounced around on stage? He waved a lot to the audience and when rehearsal was over he was the last to leave the stage ^_^

Actual concert

this was such a blur! I was so sad we were only allowed to record 3 songs so I don’t even have a video for on and on (which is my fave song). But they all killed it! 100% killlllled it and they sound just as good live as they do on their CDs, no joke. since Im a hongbin stan I glued my eyes to him the majority of the time but seriously when it comes to dancing, hakyeon draws so much attention. Just the way he effortlessly moves and theres just so much passion when he dances. I couldn’t help but stare *_* jaehwan dances with a lot of power and confidence and he might not be the main dancer but I still think he did an amazing job! hyuk when he dances he’s freaking MANhyuk! he also has a lot of power when he dances like I don’t know how to explain it like his moves are just so intricate? hongbin my precious bean sweated so much LOL it was to the point that he grabbed a towel every chance he got and turned away from the crowd to wipe it xD I could tell he was super focused when dancing and damn he moves fast like one sec he was on the left side of the stage and then the next he was already on the floor on the right side of the stage! Judging by the amount of sweat and how he kept wiping his upper lip cuz of the sweat, he really worked hard <3 (he also freaking did a lip lick thing that drove me into a frenzy ugh) during to us, all the fans held up a banner and just enjoyed the song together. it was such a good feeling, to have so many starlights in one room and have vixx right in front of us ;;;;

Apart from the songs they also did this interactive-ish thing with us! Like prior to going into the concert we were allowed to write something we would like them to do on a sticky (ex. Jaehwan please do aegyo) etc and so hyuk designated himself to be the “MC” and how it worked was that each member would choose one of the stickies for the member on their right. Leo chose first and he chose one for jaehwan and what he had to do was sing a part from his musical. He did so without using his mic and at that moment I knew exactly what an angel sounded like *_* everyone in the crowd was in awe that I think we cheered too early because it looked like jaehwan wanted to continue still but stopped and clapped and then went back to his seat. Hakyeon even pointed out that the crowd was just waiting to scream because we went from “ahhhhh” to “WOOOOOODFGDFGDFGD” real quick haha next jaehwan chose a sticky for hakyeon! He took his time choosing and hakyeon actually got off his seat and went up to jaehwan (I guess to make sure he isn’t choosing something too difficult for hakyeon to do lol) and while jaehwan was choosing he beatboxed a little which drove us insane <3 hyuk said somethings like “oh choose for your love N, you bro N, your mother father N” XDD jaehwan finally chose one which was also for hakyeon to perform a song from his upcoming musical? I wasn’t too sure if it was from a musical because the translator there sucked lol hakyeon said he had to prep because he doesn’t rmr some lines but in the end he sang beautifully like he never ceases to amaze me with his voice that is just so suitable for ballads & lullabies yenno he kept going until hyuk had to intervene and tell him to stop he still kept going and it got crazy when ken started singing as well haha such cuties!! Anyway so next hakyeon chose for hongbin and omgosh I saw my sticky and was really hoping hakyeon would choose it but he didn’t OTL i wrote it for hongbin, asking if he could sing a ballad because precious bb has a lovely voice and deserves to sing more! In the end hakyeon chose one in which hongbin had to do aegyo and boy did he struggle! The first time he did it it was pretty quick but still adorable nonetheless because his voice went all high pitched eeee so hyuk actually made him do it a second time and it was slightly longer and his voice went from high back to his usual lowish voice cuz he got so embarrassed.. hongbin said something and the translator said hongbin was sad because starlights didn’t understand his true feelings TT I guess he really didn’t want to do aegyo :( hongbin chose for Ravi and my Rabin feels were reignited because hongbin took two stickies and allowed Ravi to choose one! Ravi chose to also do aegyo I think? And he ended up doing the “oppa song”??? some cute music played and Ravi had to do aegyo to it but it seems like he was prepared and did it without hesitating that even the members joked and commented that he was really good at it LOL our Ravi may be the badass rapper and has tats to prove it....but he is too cute when he wants to be :3

Somewhere in there Ravi had to do an eye battle with hakyeon and lol hakyeon was so pumped and ready, being so confident he was gonna win and had that smug look on his face while provoking ravi by playfully hitting him on the chest. In the end hakyeon did win (but I feel like thats because he purposely made Ravi blink HAHA). Ravi chose for hyuk and hyuk had to dance to chained up double speed! That of course was too easy so it got ramped up to triple speed and I think later to quadruple speed?? Triple/quadruple speed was hella fast and hyuk was moving so fast that by the end of it he was so exhausted and joked that he can never do a concert again! He looked a bit frazzled afterwards so ken was like are you ok??? Oh yeah and we somehow got ken to do triple/quadruple speed as well but he didn’t even try to go super fast because srsly it’s killer! Hyuk was still recovering so Leo asked if he could chose his own and hyuk let him. Leo chose to perform a bit of whisper with Ravi!!!!! It was just the chorus but they did a bit of the chore and leo sang without the music and Ravi rapped without the music as well *_* because leo cheated by basically making it into a joint mission with Ravi, hyuk later chose another sticky for leo LOL this required leo to write each of the members name with his belly button xD poor leo didn’t want to do it at all and kept saying its weird!! He struggled so much and actually did his signature collapse onto the floor dying from embarrassment HAHA he managed to complete it but he did so by moving his entire body across he stage like he sat right next to hyuk on the right side but by the end of it he was all the way to the left side standing right in front of Ravi haha ken and hyuk demonstrated that you don’t have to move ur entire body but just your upper body xD then they wrapped up that segment and performed some more songs! after the final song when they were bowing and exiting the stage, ken did not want to leave and kept waving and blowing kisses ahhh those bbkins <333 hongbin legit had to come out, and drag him off the stage LOL then hongbin popped back out and did a heart with his hands ahhhh

I also just wanted to note that jaehwan was just a ball of sunshine throughout the entire concert. He constantly waved enthusiastically and smiled his puppy smile. he was just so playful and when fans shouted I love you to him he would immediately say I love you too back and jokingly act like yeah the fans love me most XD jaehwan definitely climbed up my bias list after this and I’m just so glad I got to witness his playful humorous side in real life. it made me think back to vixx’s reality shows and how the members always mention that theyre thankful for ken because ken jokes around and does his best to lighten up the mood after a stressful day ;A; Hyuk also made such a big effort speaking English to us and although it was just short sentences, I was still extremely proud of him and thankful that he made that effort <3 hakyeon too said a lot of sweet things to us and his humble self kept thanking us when really we should be thanking him for gracing us with his presence!!!!! Leo kept his cool demeanour for the majority of the concert, It wasn’t until the very last few songs where they came out not in their usual stage outfits that I saw leo being extra smiley and literally jumping and spinning on stage XD he went right next to jaehwan and started jumping with him (KEO IS REAL OK) hakyeon also made sure to go left to right and say bye to the fans and wave! Same with jaehwan hehe hongbin was mainly on the opposite side of me and oh how I wish he was on my side more during the last few songs!

I noticed that jaehwan was the most popular here like so many people I met that day were jaehwan stans hehe Ravi was also really popular and hakyeon too! Whenever hongbin sang I screamed extra hard because I really want him to feel just as loved and appreciated and same goes for hyuk too because those two have so much to offer!

Photo Op

I was such a nervous wreck LOL my friends and I were all strategizing a plan, trying to make sure we’d end up in front of our biases. it was 15 people per group so when it was our group’s turn I legit blanked out and just tried to navigate towards hongbin. So the order was N, Hyuk, Hongbin, Ravi, Ken, and Leo. I stepped onto the stage and was immediately greeted by N’s smiling face and wave. I waved back automatically and seriously couldn’t do anything but wave Lol i was way too stunned by his 6 foot beauty and that small eye contact! *_* I ended up somewhat in front of hongbin but like on the floor and not on a seat but its okay! The photo op was super quick like they took 2 pics and that was only like 20 seconds! the staff rushed us and kept telling us to move move move -.- As we got up to leave I quickly turned back and looked at hongbin and told him I love you ahhhh he looked at me and smiled and waved and that was all I needed to turn into a big pile of mush ffghfghfghf *_* I think I was able to catch eye contact with jaehwan after and I tried to say bye to leo but failed LOL as I got off the stage I still couldn’t believe I was able to muster up the courage to say something to hongbin eeeep! Oh and vixx is known to be giants right so I was expecting them to tower over me because I’m only 5’4…but up close they weren’t as tall as I expected. yeah they were impressive in height but not what I imagined I guess xD But yeah the photo op went by so quickly and I’m praying to god I look somewhat descent in the pictures they took lol rip

Im so sad that the concerts over and you bet I’m going to suffer from PCD for the next few weeks T_T but I’m just so thankful to have been able to experience this and to finally see them live! all the while meeting some pretty awesome people along the way! It was definitely a memorable concert that I hope to remember many years from now :)

[rosedosed]

Anna Ember Hanabi Hazel

SO MANY THANKS STAMP LUV YOU.. ILL DO IT UNDER A READMORE CUS ITS A LOT

Anna

Full Name: Anna (project name: Android A.1.21)Gender and Sexuality: Female and completely AroacePronouns: She/her, never call her It cus she gets sadEthnicity/Species: Former porcelain doll turned AndroidBirthplace and Birthdate: Its unclear when Anna was made, but she was found in an abondonned shack in Hungary in december 1917 and officially became a figure in the artificial intelligence research program in 1998. She celebrates her birthday on feb 27 though, because its national strawberry day.Guilty Pleasures: Being picked upPhobias: Fear of heights and mild aquaphobia because it makes her rust What They Would Be Famous For: Anna is known around the world as a turning point in AI science because she was the first (and only) succesful android who genuinely felt like a human, she is a very popular model as well.What They Would Get Arrested For: Attempting to start an AI revolution by throwing a blender at the president, illegal ownership of a firearmOC You Ship Them With: None, Anna doesnt do relationships or love because it’s not in her coding (would make things VERY complicated) but is capable of very intense feelings of friendship (to the horror of her creators who didnt program that EITHER)OC Most Likely To Murder Them: She cant really be killed because theres near endless backups of her coding (so it’d be a pain) but the ones who would seriously damage her would be Pete cus hes like 99% water or Levi cus he would accidently drop her from a large heightFavorite Movie/Book Genre: Anna loves fantasy and adventure novels, as long as theyre very big. As for movies; shes really into action and sci-fi. Star wars is her favorite franchise and her favorite character is bb-8Least Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: Dramatically fainting, she thinks its weird humans do that and finds the occasional romantic air around it confusingTalents and/or Powers: Anna has the privilege of being a walking wi-fi port, can google anything at an incredibly high speed and can save an incredible amount of info in her head. She also has various weapons hidden away in lieu of self defence (while honestly? her main caretaker is just a dork who wanted a gun robot and Anna was all over that). Shes also really good at balancing on one legWhy Someone Might Love Them: Shes sweet and honest, a good conversation partner and has no concept of embarrasing, so doesnt judge. She is also… very cute…. n very pink….Why Someone Might Hate Them: She can come across as fake and is a know-it-all because she has direct acces to the internet at all times. She also has uncanny valley tendencies due to being a very advanced AI, which scares peopleHow They Change: She changes from an abondonned lifeless porcelain doll to a model android whos just havin a good time Why You Love Them: Shes fun to work on because I get to do unnecessary extensive research and I get to put her in as many outfits as I want. Also I like drawing hair!

Ember 

(disclaimer; Its been a while since Ive done anything with Ember so this stuff might be outdated sometime soon!)

Full Name: just Ember!Gender and Sexuality: Embers species is completely genderless, but he presents as male. He is pansexualPronouns: He/Him, solely because his dad uses itEthnicity/Species: Ember is a Perennial Tree dragon, his species is born from a single egg grown in the leaves of specific massive trees. His father is a sycamoreBirthplace and Birthdate: Ember was born on a non-specific date in a massive deciduous forest, his species doesnt celebrate birthdaysGuilty Pleasures: Being coddledPhobias: Ember isnt necessarily afraid of much, but avoids thunderstorms and large omnivorous creatures, just in caseWhat They Would Be Famous For: Meeting every single person on the planet and high fiving themWhat They Would Get Arrested For: Ruining the flowerbeds in parks because “THEYRE NOT HAPPY HERE, YOU ARE KEEPING THEM PRISONER”OC You Ship Them With: @king-catboy​​ ‘s blizzard!OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Hes pretty fragile so they all have the capability to, but I dont think anyone would want to.. I mean.. hes just a lil guy who likes watering flowers hes not hurting anybody…Favorite Movie/Book Genre: Ember loves picture books about plants and stories about travelling and though he has never watched a movie, he’d like bob ross, thats its own genre by now i reckonLeast Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: He’d probably hate the “frolicking through a flower field with your lover” trope and every horror movie taking place in a forest.Talents and/or Powers: Hes so social and active that that could be considered a talent in and of itself, but other than that hes really good at flying and is pretty quick on his feetWhy Someone Might Love Them: He’s really nice, and would genuinely like to be friends with you. He doesnt do vague acquaintances, would send you tons of postcards and water your plants for youWhy Someone Might Hate Them: He’s the classic frustrating extrovert who talks to 2000 people a day and reacts to everything with “Oh! I have a friend who does that!”. He’s also just tall enough to knee in the face or trip over which is frustrating for everyone involved.How They Change: Ember doesnt necessarily have a story arc! He was a creature I came up with through who I wanted to explore this big world I made. I guess he learns to be less naieve and more careful, but thats pretty early on in his storyWhy You Love Them: Hes fun to work on because I like nature and hes a good reminder of my httyd phase

Hanabi 

Full Name: Suzume NarsissiGender and Sexuality: Female, n shes a lebbian Pronouns: She/herEthnicity/Species: Half-flower nymph half humanBirthplace and Birthdate: In a fictional Japanese fishing village next to a huuuge forest she sprang out of a flower on july 27Guilty Pleasures: People playing with her hair and bagpipe musicPhobias: She dislikes volcanoes and geysers n is very afraid of deep waters (she cant swim)What They Would Be Famous For: Shes a talented gardener n firework maker so shed probably be asked after by famous people to decorate n add pizzazz to their party. Or an inventor.What They Would Get Arrested For: Blowing someones house up or making a plant eat someoneOC You Ship Them With: @king-catboy​ ’s Neko !OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Rilass, she’d provoke him too much but would go down smugly so whos the real victor hereFavorite Movie/Book Genre: Shes not one for fiction, she likes sciencey books and carries mini encyclopedias around jic she needs to identify something funky she comes across. As for movies: art house probablyLeast Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: All scenes where a house is burning down would feel like an exaggeration to her, shes burned her room at least 4 times this week and she NEVER ran out screaming its so dramatic.Talents and/or Powers: Inventing stuff, singing, flower and plant magics and intimidating firework-creating skills. Shes also a pretty skilled saleswoman and would make a good bouncerWhy Someone Might Love Them: Shes smart and funny, good at listening and a very weird/interesting person!Why Someone Might Hate Them: Shes very tall and intimating at first sight, she keeps people who dont really interest her at arms length and likes provoking people to see how far she can go (she always apologizes though)How They Change: She matures! Becomes better at handling her feelings but also learns how to mask them and eventually just feels.. less? She gets less human in a weird way, more attuned with natureWhy You Love Them: I think Hanabi is VERY fun to draw and a character thats very close to my heart cus shes one of the first ocs I ever made! Shes also the first one I draw when it comes to practicing backgrounds cus her huge ever-changing plant-filled animal-overrun treehouse is fun!

Hazel

Full Name: Hazel NootGender and Sexuality: Female and bisexual! Pronouns: She/herEthnicity/Species: Demigod faunBirthplace and Birthdate: Hazel was born in the Veluwen somewhere in march! Her mother immediately left her with a travelling carnaval family and they celebrate her birthday on march 1stGuilty Pleasures: TicklingPhobias: Shes got Social anxiety and a fear of being alone, its not a good combiWhat They Would Be Famous For: Singing and perfect impressions! Shes got voice magicWhat They Would Get Arrested For: Trespassing…. and that thing deer in the headlight thing, cars at night make her freeze up so she has caused multiple crashesOC You Ship Them With: @irl-marysue s Mia !OC Most Likely To Murder Them: Shes technically immortal but nonetheless none of them probablyFavorite Movie/Book Genre: Cliche romance novels… Those shitty romcoms.. Shes also really into theatre and musicalsLeast Favorite Movie/Book Cliche: BAMBIS MOMTalents and/or Powers: Siren powers where her singing can lure people to her and she can imitate anyones voice perfectly. Shes also a deity who looks over all the forests in Europe and can transform into a faun. She also makes MEAN brownies and can touch her nose with her tongueWhy Someone Might Love Them: Shes very soft and sweet and really does mean the best, she genuinely doesnt have a mean bone in her body and mostly just wants to take long walks and listen to musicWhy Someone Might Hate Them: She stresses very easily and her longwinded nervous rambling can get very frustrating. She also has a tendency to guilt trip people by accidentHow They Change: Hazel doesnt necessarily change but she eventually becomes more confident after she embraces her God StatusWhy You Love Them: I REALLY LIKE NATURE BASED OCS AS YOUVE NOTICED.. plus shes based off of puns and the deity squad is always fun to work on!

[f-724-morty-blog]

724 Journal Entry 001

724 Journal Entry 001

[A series of 724′s journal entries following his Rick’s death. Consider this a consolation prize until Im well enough to draw again. I hope you all enjoy!]

I feel numb. It’s been a few weeks since Rick...passed, and the whole world feels fake. Summer said I should try writing things out, to help process or whatever. I don’t know if it’ll actually work, but why the fuck not, right? It’s not like I can talk to anyone about it. Whenever I try my throat closes up and I feel like I���m drowning.

She bought me the journal, anyways, so I might as well use it. I’ll try and recount as much as I can as accurately as I can. This part isn’t just for me, this is for Rick, so someone will always remember what happened to him. That even after all the wrong he did, he died a hero.

Rick died saving my life.

___

“M-oUGHRty, g-get dressed, Morty, we gotta go to Pouirte N-683 th-they just opened the pl-AUGHnet again, we, we can finally get this crazy rare substance, Morty, a-and I can synthesize it into a serum that’ll let me, just, just rearrange genomes like nothing you’ve ever seen!”

Morty scrambled out of bed, glancing at his alarm clock as he frantically yanked on a pair of jeans. “B-but Rick, I-I-I’ve seen you m-mani-manip-mess with genomes before, s-so what makes this so special?”

Rick looked manic, pacing the room and throwing his arms about wildly as he spoke. “Th-this stuff makes it so much easier, Morty, wh-when I do it from scratch i-its just overly complicated and fr-uAGH-strating. A-and this, i-it creates new stem cells, Morty, y-you know the kind that can become a-anything, the ones that b-become your whole body when y-y-ou’re in the womb, and look, theres, there’s a lot of complicated science stuff, b-but basically I can reprogram y-your body as if it were still developing and change your appearance and all kinds of stuff Morty, all kinds of science!”

Morty’s shirt was half way on when Rick grabbed his elbow and yanked him out the door, the boy stumbling after him as he struggled with the fabric. “O-oh jeez, Rick, I-I-I dunno if I want y-you to mess with my, my appearance, I think I like-”

“M-oURty we all know y-you’re insecure as fuck, just, just get in the car, Morty, I-I can always reverse it i-if you don’t like it,” He plopped into the drivers seat, kicking a few empty bottles out onto the floor and fumbling with the seatbelt. Morty finally yanked his shirt on properly and went to his place in the passenger seat.

As apprehensive as Morty was to have his genome fiddled with, he hadn’t seen Rick this excited in a while, and the scientist’s mood was infectious. He was only about half as condescending as usual, more willing to pal around and joke as he explained some of the ins and outs of this ‘rare substance.’ Although he didn’t quite understand most of what Rick said, his enthusiasm was warming, and their flight through space was a pleasant one.

“A-alright Morty, Pouirte is, it’s probably one of the safer p-places we’ve visited, there’s no biological land-mines o-or governments who hate me,” Rick said, landing the ship in a vacant parking place.

“R-really, Rick? You mean you haven’t p-pissed off their government yet?”

“Nope,” Rick replied, exiting the vehicle. “W-well, I did, but then the wh-OAUle planet had a Civil war, a-a-and all the old governments were dismantled. So I haven’t pissed off the new government yet.”

Morty chuckled nervously, following Rick out of the car and down the alien streets. The sky here was a light, dusky purple, only a few shades darker than Earth’s blue, and currently dusted with wispy clouds. The city around them was reminiscent of one on the east coast, parts of it clearly unplanned and much older than the more modern landing pads and sky scrapers. Its buildings were made of some sort of shimmering, cobalt material, reflecting the sunlight and neon signs subtly.

Rick, as usual, was unphased by the stunning visuals, and kept up a brisk pace through the winding city streets. “S-so, Rick, where are we going, t-to find this stuff?”

“W-we’re taking this planet’s equivalent to a, a bu-URRP-llet train t-to a nature preserve,” Rick replied, taking a swig from his flask and glancing at a few street signs. The language was unintelligible to Morty, but he’d seen Rick read so much alien nonsense that he figured he had some sort of translator like, built into his eyes or something.

“R-rick! W-w-what the hell, we, we can’t do that! N-n-nature preserves, they, they preserve nature, Rick! W-we might seriously screw things up!” Morty yelped, tugging at Rick’s sleeve.

“Sh-shut up, Morty,” Rick hissed, elbowing his grandson in the ribs as the mounted the stairs to what he presumed was the train station. “This stuff lit-literal-, it makes areas uninhabitable, Morty, i-it makes your biology unstable if you’re exposed to the unprocessed version. A-any animals near it b-basically get cancer, a-a-and any babies they have are born horribly mutated, Morty, we, we’re pretty much doing them a favor.” Rick passed an alien currency over the counter and retrieved two blue stickers, one of which he slapped onto Morty’s chest.

“O-oh jeez, Rick, are you sure?” Morty was apprehensive; this wouldn’t be the first time Rick had lied to make him go along with things.

“O-of course I am, when am I ever wrong?” Rick rolled his eyes.

“Lots of times, Rick! Y-you make mistakes, just-just like everyone else,” Morty retorted.

Rick just glared and proceeded to stride onto a large blue train, forcing Morty to either follow or be left behind. He followed.

When comparing the trains’ speed, ‘bullet’ was an understatement. Morty couldn’t look out the window for more than a few seconds before he became dizzy, the landscape flying by too fast to pick up any real details, only a blur of purples, blues, and oranges. Eventually he gave up trying to pick anything up, and turned his attention to the other train riders. Usually, the aliens he saw most often on a planet were the natives, and so far the planet was abundant with tall, centaur-esque creatures, their skin a golden brown and dusted with deep, sunset orange freckles. The upper torso supported a head resembling a giraffes, with two large black eyes and four curved horns sprouting from where the eyebrows would be. The ‘taur half had six spindly legs, jointed like a horses would be but evoking a more spider-y feeling. They wore long skirts, buttoned at the upper torso’s waist and laying across the back to drape around the rump and six limbs. Morty was fairly fascinated with alien life, and while he’d seen some much more bizzare and alarming creatures, this planet’s inhabitants were just as interesting, and their sunset colors struck a chord of beauty. When he had first started his adventures with Rick, they would’ve felt like monsters to him, but over the years he had ditched the ‘planetary mindset,’ as Rick put it, and was learning to appreciate all the variety in the endless multiverse presented to him.

After a moment he glanced away from the alien across from him; he didn’t know if they considered staring rude, but he didn’t want to risk it. Their pointed, spider-toe feet would probably slice open his flesh like a fillet knife if he upset them.

The train shuddered to a stop, and despite the obvious attempt at gradual braking, the riders almost all lurched forward. Morty had to scramble for purchase, and Rick, who had a firm hold on the railing overhead, grabbed him by the back of his shirt collar to stop him tumbling forward.

They exited at another station, this one surrounded by wilderness rather than city. Based on the nature-y vibes, one could assume this was the welcome center for the reserve, or park...whatever it was. Rick bypassed the gift shop and waltzed straight out the door, over the parking lot, and into the woods.

Morty scampered after him, chewing his lip nervously. They had forgone any pathways, instead descending directly into the mire. That was the closest thing he could approximate the ground here to; a mire. It was soft and spongy underfoot, sinking a good half-inch with each step and filling their footprints with greenish liquid. The reddish purple earth was host to a strange plant, one that grew like a net over the ground, thin orange vines interwoven loosely enough to show the soil beneath. The closest approximation to trees were huge pires of dirt, seemingly trained upward by a dark blue ropey plant, which grew around the pillars in a spiral and blossomed into long dangling ‘branches’ at the top with translucent ballon-esque flowers. Deeper in, creamy tan ‘ferns’ began to shoot up in spaces between the suffocating orange vines, soon joined by tall blue flowering plants. The further they went the more variety there was, until it was a dense jungle all around.

“S-so, uh, wh-what are we looking for here, Rick?” Morty stammered, trailing his fingers over a silky flower petal.

“D-don’t w-UURP-orry about it, Morty, we, we’re almost there, thi-is device,” he holds up a remote-sized device with a simple screen, “I-is leading us right to it.”

“O-oh, okay, th-that’s really cool, Rick,” Morty replied, jogging a bit to catch up. His shoes kept getting sucked into the earth, and his shorter strides caused him to fall behind. Rick mumbled something incoherent and took a swig from his flask.

Time passed, the jungle grew denser, and Morty sweatier. What had started as a leisurely walk was now a multi-mile hike that he was ill prepared for. The mire was becoming steep, craggy hills, and he could barely keep up. How Rick, his sixty year old grandpa, could do this so effortlessly was beyond him.

“Aw hell yes,” Rick stopped suddenly, and Morty stumbled over himself trying not to knock into his grandfather. “C-come on Morty quit fooling around, we, we’re here, we gotta drill down right here.”

“R-rick, shouldn’t we be wearing, like, hazmat suits or something? Y-you, you said this stuff b-basically gives you cancer!”

Rick rolled his eyes and rummaged through the seemingly endless pockets of his lab coat. “M-morty trust me, you, you’ve probably already got cancer, it’s fine. But!” He cut Morty off before he could panic. “I-Im already going to be messing with y-your genes, I can just repair any damage, easy.”

“O-oh, jeez, okay Rick, i-if you say so,” Morty stammered. Now he could be glad that the hike was over, and he quickly sat down on the rock to catch his breath.

Rick shoved his detection device into a pocket, and produced a small, black bullet, which he placed on the ground point-down. The black casing clicked open, revealing a sturdy metal interior, and a nozzle on the top. Rick attached a small hose, pressed a button, and it quickly whirred down into the earth, spitting up multicolored dirt in its wake.

After a moment, a black, murky liquid began to flow up the hose and into a canister Rick placed on the ground. “All that’s left to do now, Morty, i-is wait, a-and then we, we can do am-URP-amazing things with this stuff.” Rick grinned, reclining on the rock beside Morty.

It was rare for things to be so low-key; Rick was relaxed, like this couldn’t possibly go wrong, and that put Morty on edge. But then Rick’s hand found his, fingers intertwined. He looked up and Rick smiled, a rare, affectionate expression as he looked at Morty.  Morty blushed and smiled back shyly.

The old scientist kissed his forehead quickly, and then reclined again, gazing up at the alien sky while his companion blushed furiously beside him and the machine whirred away in the background. Morty bit his lip and grinned, tipping his head back to watch the sky with him.

___

Fuck. I’m crying again, I have to stop. I’ll try again tomorrow, I guess. I’m sorry Rick.

[solarpunksoftie]

My Sides. AKA the Gene-Pool

ok so i wasn’t tagged for this cuz i dont really know many people in this fandom? but i want to feel included and i have IDEAS so yeh. im doing this. its happening. um i guess i can tag a couple people, and heres a link to the original post. @prinxietyhell @doctorshufflepuff

My Adventurous Side - Adrienne

-They/Her

-impulsive, sexual, outgoing, sensual

-Down for Anything

-Total flake, flits after the most interesting thing at the time.

-Has my sense of humor

-Needs To Do Things. Not really hyper but just really active

-Very literal and concrete thinker; abstract and theoretical conversations confuse her

-Party kid. like they thrive off high energy social interaction. the more people, music, dancing, drinking, etc the better

-doesn’t understand the concept of money ffs they run my bank account into the ground why are they like this

-”Just Do It”

-They dress like they’re going clubbing. tight crop-top, shorts, comfortable boots, maybe a cute button down tied around their waist. Fluffy strawberry smoothie hair

My Ethical Side - Ethan

-They/Them

-Moral compass, passion, ambition, compassion

-The Punk

-Authority means nothing to them if its detrimental or even nonproductive

-Will Fight Anyone if they decide they deserve it

-Slight God complex, believes they can do no wrong

-The Angeriest

-Fuels my sass tbh

-Is very focused on getting help and equality to those in need

-They’re the reason I attend protests

-”Fuck You” / “How Can I Help”

-They wear politically loud clothing. My Anti-Fascist coat and feminism tanktop, as well as some dark wash jeans and black converse. Spiked magenta hair

My Logical&Creative Side - Laura

-They/Them

-Organization, Aesthetic, Obsession, Efficiency

-Pun master

-Efficiency is their endgame with any plan they come up with. 

-Not big into maths or things like physics outside of real-world application

-Responsible for my special interests and obsessions

-Also responsible for anything I create from those interests

-Also credited with my system of reminder alarms so I can function like a normal adult.

-Can catch anyone in a lie, cuz they look for logical inconsistencies

-Pretty good with people. Or at least reading them, which makes responding much easier.

-Does things you would see on Pintrest because they go for optimizing utility and aesthetic 

-”You’re Doing It Wrong”

-Wears a blue button down with the sleeves rolled above the elbows, white tie, black slacks, high heels, glasses. Blonde hair, neatly coiffed.

My Paranoid Side - Pandora

-They/Them

-Fear, Preparedness, Vigilance, Superstition

-Ready for Anything

-Seriously they are the reason I’m fairly sure I would survive a while during the zombie apocalypse

-Also the reason I’ve never been seriously injured or seriously ill.

-Honestly they’re such a mom. A very bitter, resentful mom, but still mom.

-Salty™

-Carries a tiny but well stocked first aid/survival kit

-Also has at least 3 knives on their person, in case of attack or if ya just need to cut something ya know

-Comes up with absurd situations to worry over (eg. “if theres an earthquake right now what are you gonna do?” “Don’t sit with your back to the room you could get stabbed”)

-Demons are totally real and they could be literally anywhere we would have no idea

-Cryptids

-”What was that”

-Dresses ready for the apocalypse to start at the drop of a hat. Thick but light leather jacket (the kind you can’t get a knife through unless you’re Really trying), black leotard (cuz that won’t get caught/tangled in anything and is made to optimize movement), quick-dry cargo pants (I live in the biggest watershed in the US there’s no way I’m gonna be able to avoid wading through a marsh several times during the zombie apocalypse. also pockets, hell yeah), steel-toe boots. Dark brown hair cut real short out of the face (less noticeable, won’t get in  the way or caught on things)

My Depression - Daryl

-They/He

-They’re my god damn serotonin imbalance personified my dudes

-Always tired

-The Most Persuasive

-Even though they’re exhausted they never shut up?? Please go take a nap

-Very clingy, but hates that they’re clingy so they just fuckin insult people in attempts to push them away

-So insecure please protect them

-Can twist any of the other side’s words into something negative

-Can be very philosophical, and not always for the worst reasons. They just like contemplating existence.

“Why bother?”

-Wears a heavy fluffy black hoodie, a soft threadbare black tshirt, black sweatpants, thick fuzzy socks. Hair is frizzy and faded version of whatever my current color is, roots grown out to at least half an inch because updating hair is too much work.

Relationships/Interactions

-A&E: the kind of besties that become a feedback loop of increasingly bad/dangerous ideas if no one else steps in.

-A&L: power team, they get so much done when they work together. unstoppable force of memes.

-A&P: they kinda work against eachother, but they keep eachother from going off the deep end. P stops A from accidentally dying and A gets P out of their comfort zone.

-A&D: cannot stand eachother. If A is around D too long they get irritable and whiny. A exhausts D.

-E&L: L keeps E grounded and E gets L excited about new stuff a lot.

-E&P: P is the reason E hasn’t gotten caught up in a riot yet. E has no problem ignoring P if its for the greater good, however.

E&D: E does their best to ignore D for the most part. D pisses E off to the point of violence and shouting when D gets bad. When D gets REALLY bad E will do whatever necessary to subdue them. 

L&P: they fight constantly. L does give P tips on what to be ready for, but if P gets over the top L will fucking fight them. P is the only one who can draw this much of a reaction out of L.

L&D: L is actually pretty supportive of D. L appreciates D’s rhetoric skills and can even be a little protective at times. D is the most attached to L and will actively seek their approval.

P&D: they have a weird relationship. It’s both tense and chill. They will sit and keep each other chill, balancing their two extremes, but once that balance is broken it is hard to get back and they will quickly get overwhelmed by the other.

[adambstingus]

20 Weird But Genius Products On Amazon For People Who Have Everything

We know them, we love (most of) them: the impossible-to-buy-for people in your life. Whether its the husband who has everything, or the BFF who just doesnt want a lot of clutter around, they can make gift buying feel like a search for the holy grail.

That’s why we scoured Amazon to find fifteen of the most amazingproducts notebooks that erase themselves in the microwave, to magical pens that let you draw in three dimensions that are sure to surprise, and probably please, those hard-to-buy-for friends.

We hope you love at least one of these odd and awesome products. Just an FYI: 22Words may get a share of any sale through links on this page.

1

These Glasses That Aerate Wine On Contact So You Can Drink ASAP

via: Amazon

Wine lovers and design aficionados alike are singing the praises of these innovative wine glasses throughout their Amazon reviews. The built-in aerator lets you ditch the decanter and oxygenate your wine on contact so you can dig right into the delicious red nectar. Theyre not inexpensive, but for the type of people fancy enough to aerate their wine in the first place, its surely a paltry sum.

Snappy Amazon Review: Worth every penny. -Kimberly

2

This Beautiful Piece of Jewelry That’s A Fitness Tracker In Disguise

via: Amazon

FitBits are nice and all, but some days you dont want a big rubber band around your wrist screaming Im health conscious! to everyone you pass. Thats what makes the BellaBeat Leaf Nature Health Trackersuch a refreshing innovation. Beautiful and versatile, the BellaBeat can be worn as a necklace or bracelet, and tracks your daily steps, distance traveled and calories burned.

Snappy Amazon Review: The most low maintenance fitness tracker ever made and it’s gorgeous. -Elida Omerkic

3

This Tiny Gadget That Makes Your Car Smell Great

via: Amazon

Ditch the Febreze and get your FRiEQ on with the FRiEQ Car Air Purifier. The FRiEQ pumps three million negative ions per cubic centimeter into the air, which destroy odor causing particulates on contact, including mold, bacteria and viruses. Best of all, its powered by your cars 12V plug, so youll never run out of fresh air energy.

Snappy Amazon Review: My car certainly smells better. –Sammidee

4

These Tiny Bags of Charcoal That Drink In Odor

via: Amazon

Rescue your favorite footwear from inevitable shoe-smell with these all-natural, activated charcoal Footwear Deodorizers. And theyre not just for shoes the activated charcoal actively absorbs moisture in any situation, preventing pervasive odors and bacterial growth, so you can easily deodorize stinky refrigerators, closets and basements. They make no claims about stinky husbands, children, or coworkers however.

Snappy Amazon Review: Product works as Described, sucks all smell from shoes. -Kalpesh

…AND GETS ALL UP IN YOUR FACEBOOK

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5

This Miracle Broom That Cleans Floors, Walls, Windows and More

via: Amazon

Perfect for your neat-freak friends, the Evriholder FURemover Broom’swide head of 100% natural rubber bristles to grab and trap dirt, dust, lint and pet hair with ease its even got a telescoping handle for reaching the cobwebbiest of corners. Right now its one of the most popular brooms on Amazon, and with well over 2,000 positive reviews, its not hard to see why.

Snappy Amazon Review: This thing just plain works. -Nick V.

6

This Portable Charcoal Grill That Somehow Runs on Batteries

via: Amazon

If youre not into grilling, you may not be as impressed as I am by the truly innovative Gourmia Grill. It combines the inimitable flavor of a charcoal grill with the ease of non-stick surfaces and battery-powered portability. Perfect for grilling on the patio and small enough to pack for the next tailgate, the Gourmia Grills turbo fan provides precise air control to perfectly grill dogs, burgers, steaks and more, while conserving your charcoal consumption. And that just makes sense. Dollars, and cents.

Snappy Amazon Review: Gave as gift got a hamburger and hot dog in return. -Amazon Customer

7

This Indoor Garden That Grows Herbs Even I Can’t Kill

via: Amazon

I have a few talents in life. Horticulture is not one of them. Hence my immediate attraction to the Click & Grow Indoor Smart Herb Garden. The manufacturer boasts that growing herbs is as easy as inserting the plant capsules, filling the water tank (possible sticking point), and plugging the unit in. After that, let the automatic hydration system, low-energy LED grow light and the miracle of Mother Nature work their collective magic, and watch as the herbs of your choice spring to life. Delicious, fragrant life.

Snappy Amazon Review: I would have given 5 stars if it had come with something other than just basil. That’s the only thing I’d change. -Meghan

8

This Ring Of Power That Renders Your Smartphone Undroppable

via: Amazon

Since I got one, theiRinghas saved my iPhone from countless potentially devastating smartphone injuries. The iRing attaches via ultra-strong adhesive to the back of your smartphone, giving you a solid, swiveling ring through which to thread a finger of your choice, or with which to prop up your phone for some bedside Netflixin. Oh, and dont forget the included plastic hook, onto which the iRing settles nicely for use in the car.

Snappy Amazon Review: I’m a klutz so I drop stuff all the time, and this really helps. -Lunatique

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16 Popular Foreign Superstitions That Make Absolutely No Sense

22 Photos That Are Guaranteed To Make You Feel a Little Awkward and Uncomfortable

9

This Waffle Iron That’s Shaped Like a Keyboard

via: Amazon

I dont think an explanation is needed here. It’s a Keyboard Waffle Iron. Pass the syrup.

Snappy Amazon Review: Yesterday I did nothing because my keyboard was a waffle the whole time. -Leedlej

10

This Bottle Opener That Also Holds Your Child’s Fine Art

via: Amazon

There are few things more irritating than trying to track down a bottle opener when youre hankering for a cold one. Thats why no one will complain when you gift them this impossible-to-lose Master Magnetics Bottle Opener. Strong magnets keep it adhered to the beer cooler (aka, refrigerator), where it can amass an ever-growing collection of child artwork, or a collection of bottle caps so large it might force you to reevaluate your life choices.

Snappy Amazon Review: The magnets are really strong. -Edward

11

These Magical Drops That Change The Way You Taste Food

via: Amazon

MBerry Drops contain extracts from the so-called miracle fruit a mysterious berry that causes some pretty serious shifts in your taste perception. Dissolve one of these ten tablets on your tongue, and everything changes. Lemons taste like lemonade. Vinegar tastes like apple juice. Cheese tastes like frosting. You suddenly achieve the body of your dreams. Okay, were lying about that last part, but we swear these drops are the real, and somewhat freaky, deal.

Snappy Amazon Review: Yes they work. -Heart Dad

12

This Notebook That Erases Itself In The Microwave

via: Amazon

While the surveillance utility of microwave ovens has been debunked, the ability of microwaves to completely clear the Rocketbook Wave Smart Notebook of your top-secret doodles or late-night confessions is fully bunked. Seriously, this notebook erases itself in the microwave. And it even comes with a Rocketbook app which scans your work in hi-def before obliteration.

Snappy Amazon Review: I love this notebook. -ecaminos

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22 Photos That Are Guaranteed To Make You Feel a Little Awkward and Uncomfortable

13

This All Natural Deodorant That’s Worth Buying For The Name Alone

via: Amazon

Say it three times fast: Primal Pit Paste Deodorant. PPPD is an all-natural solution to body odor, featuring a 100% aluminum-free mixture of shea butter, arrowroot powder and baking soda for an odor fighting and soothing solution. But lets be honest, youre just buying this to give your friend something called Primal Pit Paste.

Snappy Amazon Review: 4 months later I am still using nothing but Primal Pit Paste! -Jen

14

This Pen That Lets You Sculpt Your Own New Reality Where You Made Better Choices

via: Amazon

For those of us that struggle to draw even the simplest of 3d figures, the 3Doodler Create 3D Pen is a mind-blowing game changer, allowing even the most challenged of artists to realize their visions in 3D plastic reality. Like normal 3D printers, the 3Doodler extrudes melted plastic, which dries almost instantly as you bring your vision to life whether that be a scale model of the Eiffel Tower, or a drooping mess of an attempt at a human head. Theres certainly a learning curve with the 3Doodler, but the potential for awesomeness cant be denied.

Snappy Amazon Review: My son loves this! -Dawn

15

These Platypi That Infuse Your Tea With Too Much Adorability

via: Amazon

To be fair, theres a veritable menagerie of adorable animal-shaped tea infusers on Amazon. Seriously. Manatees, sloths, baby dinosaurs. But when it comes to a combination of cute and unique, nothing rivals a platypus. Especially platypus tea infusers. Especially when theyre called Mr. & Mrs. PlaTEApus. Come on. Just take my money already. These silicone platypi prop themselves on the edge of your tea cup and slowly infuse your favorite loose-leaf tea through tiny holes in their adorable bellies. And they come in their own gift box. I cant take it.

Snappy Amazon Review: So cute! Easy to fill and clean. So adorable! -Amazon Customer

16

This Small Plastic Stone That Fills The Room With Aromatic Humidity

via: Amazon

This small but mighty Deneve Essential Oil Diffuser and Humidifier can fill a space of up to 250 square feet with delightfully scented mist, while also putting on an ever-changing light show. Its the easy way to throw the most soothing of at-home raves.

Snappy Amazon Review: It is great. It is important to wipe it out between uses. -Torsten

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People Are TICKED United Banned Two Girls From Their Flight For What They Were Wearing

14 Times Leggings Made You Question Everything You Know About Fashion

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16 Popular Foreign Superstitions That Make Absolutely No Sense

22 Photos That Are Guaranteed To Make You Feel a Little Awkward and Uncomfortable

17

This Showerhead and Speaker That Will Change The Way You Bathe

via: Amazon

Your bathroom karaoke game just got way more serious. Kohlers MoxieShowerhead and Wireless Speaker combines a sixty-nozzle shower head with a removable, rechargeable bluetooth speaker, allowing you to stream all of your top tunes while you steam your way to relaxation. And when the speakers lithium ion battery runs low, just pop it from its magnetic hold in the shower head and plug it into the included USB cable for a quick charge. You’ll be up and showering-singing again in no time.

Snappy Amazon Review: The only thing better than a shower beer is having a shower beer while safely gyrating to jams in the shower. -Jonathon

18

The Toilet Stool That’ll Change The Way You…Go

via: Amazon

Okay, so since it exploded on Shark Tank, the Squatty Potty hasnt exactly been an unknown quantity. But that doesnt make it any less bizarre (or useful!) of a gift. The manufacturer recommends that beginning squatters start with the 7-inch Squatty, though those limber of leg and/or well-practiced in the art of squatting can venture up to the 9-inch SP. With sales in the millions and celebrities like Howard Stern touting the effectiveness of the simple bathroom stool, its safe to say the Squatty Potty isnt a passing phase its a movement.

Snappy Amazon Review: Oh Squatty Potty, You fill me with endless joy, Yet leave me empty. -Wm.

19

The Clear Film That Turns Any Surface Into a Dry Erase Board

via: Amazon

Synergy. Leverage. Ideation. These corporate buzzwords arent just limited to conference rooms anymore. With the Think Premium Board Medium, you can have the power of the white board anywhere you please! But seriously, this 2-foot by 3-foot clear sheet adheres to almost any surface, so you can doodle, plan, outline and scheme to your hearts dry-erase delight.

Snappy Amazon Review: OMG, I absolutely love this. Just like you, i’ve been looking for a white board for productivity, goals, action steps, you name it! -Georgetowns Marketplace

20

These Magical Tooth Wipes That Hide The Fact That You’ve Been Day Drinking

via: Amazon

No longer must you choose between red wine and a white smile. These Wine Wipes pack just enough hydrogen peroxide to wipe stains away from your pearly whites, without interfering with the delicious flavor.

Snappy Amazon Review: This stuff works perfectly. -b-ran

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22 Photos That Are Guaranteed To Make You Feel a Little Awkward and Uncomfortable

Load Comments

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/20-weird-but-genius-products-on-amazon-for-people-who-have-everything/ from All of Beer https://allofbeercom.tumblr.com/post/182059588112

[allofbeercom]

20 Weird But Genius Products On Amazon For People Who Have Everything

We know them, we love (most of) them: the impossible-to-buy-for people in your life. Whether its the husband who has everything, or the BFF who just doesnt want a lot of clutter around, they can make gift buying feel like a search for the holy grail.

That’s why we scoured Amazon to find fifteen of the most amazingproducts notebooks that erase themselves in the microwave, to magical pens that let you draw in three dimensions that are sure to surprise, and probably please, those hard-to-buy-for friends.

We hope you love at least one of these odd and awesome products. Just an FYI: 22Words may get a share of any sale through links on this page.

1

These Glasses That Aerate Wine On Contact So You Can Drink ASAP

via: Amazon

Wine lovers and design aficionados alike are singing the praises of these innovative wine glasses throughout their Amazon reviews. The built-in aerator lets you ditch the decanter and oxygenate your wine on contact so you can dig right into the delicious red nectar. Theyre not inexpensive, but for the type of people fancy enough to aerate their wine in the first place, its surely a paltry sum.

Snappy Amazon Review: Worth every penny. -Kimberly

2

This Beautiful Piece of Jewelry That’s A Fitness Tracker In Disguise

via: Amazon

FitBits are nice and all, but some days you dont want a big rubber band around your wrist screaming Im health conscious! to everyone you pass. Thats what makes the BellaBeat Leaf Nature Health Trackersuch a refreshing innovation. Beautiful and versatile, the BellaBeat can be worn as a necklace or bracelet, and tracks your daily steps, distance traveled and calories burned.

Snappy Amazon Review: The most low maintenance fitness tracker ever made and it’s gorgeous. -Elida Omerkic

3

This Tiny Gadget That Makes Your Car Smell Great

via: Amazon

Ditch the Febreze and get your FRiEQ on with the FRiEQ Car Air Purifier. The FRiEQ pumps three million negative ions per cubic centimeter into the air, which destroy odor causing particulates on contact, including mold, bacteria and viruses. Best of all, its powered by your cars 12V plug, so youll never run out of fresh air energy.

Snappy Amazon Review: My car certainly smells better. –Sammidee

4

These Tiny Bags of Charcoal That Drink In Odor

via: Amazon

Rescue your favorite footwear from inevitable shoe-smell with these all-natural, activated charcoal Footwear Deodorizers. And theyre not just for shoes the activated charcoal actively absorbs moisture in any situation, preventing pervasive odors and bacterial growth, so you can easily deodorize stinky refrigerators, closets and basements. They make no claims about stinky husbands, children, or coworkers however.

Snappy Amazon Review: Product works as Described, sucks all smell from shoes. -Kalpesh

…AND GETS ALL UP IN YOUR FACEBOOK

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5

This Miracle Broom That Cleans Floors, Walls, Windows and More

via: Amazon

Perfect for your neat-freak friends, the Evriholder FURemover Broom’swide head of 100% natural rubber bristles to grab and trap dirt, dust, lint and pet hair with ease its even got a telescoping handle for reaching the cobwebbiest of corners. Right now its one of the most popular brooms on Amazon, and with well over 2,000 positive reviews, its not hard to see why.

Snappy Amazon Review: This thing just plain works. -Nick V.

6

This Portable Charcoal Grill That Somehow Runs on Batteries

via: Amazon

If youre not into grilling, you may not be as impressed as I am by the truly innovative Gourmia Grill. It combines the inimitable flavor of a charcoal grill with the ease of non-stick surfaces and battery-powered portability. Perfect for grilling on the patio and small enough to pack for the next tailgate, the Gourmia Grills turbo fan provides precise air control to perfectly grill dogs, burgers, steaks and more, while conserving your charcoal consumption. And that just makes sense. Dollars, and cents.

Snappy Amazon Review: Gave as gift got a hamburger and hot dog in return. -Amazon Customer

7

This Indoor Garden That Grows Herbs Even I Can’t Kill

via: Amazon

I have a few talents in life. Horticulture is not one of them. Hence my immediate attraction to the Click & Grow Indoor Smart Herb Garden. The manufacturer boasts that growing herbs is as easy as inserting the plant capsules, filling the water tank (possible sticking point), and plugging the unit in. After that, let the automatic hydration system, low-energy LED grow light and the miracle of Mother Nature work their collective magic, and watch as the herbs of your choice spring to life. Delicious, fragrant life.

Snappy Amazon Review: I would have given 5 stars if it had come with something other than just basil. That’s the only thing I’d change. -Meghan

8

This Ring Of Power That Renders Your Smartphone Undroppable

via: Amazon

Since I got one, theiRinghas saved my iPhone from countless potentially devastating smartphone injuries. The iRing attaches via ultra-strong adhesive to the back of your smartphone, giving you a solid, swiveling ring through which to thread a finger of your choice, or with which to prop up your phone for some bedside Netflixin. Oh, and dont forget the included plastic hook, onto which the iRing settles nicely for use in the car.

Snappy Amazon Review: I’m a klutz so I drop stuff all the time, and this really helps. -Lunatique

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22 Photos That Are Guaranteed To Make You Feel a Little Awkward and Uncomfortable

9

This Waffle Iron That’s Shaped Like a Keyboard

via: Amazon

I dont think an explanation is needed here. It’s a Keyboard Waffle Iron. Pass the syrup.

Snappy Amazon Review: Yesterday I did nothing because my keyboard was a waffle the whole time. -Leedlej

10

This Bottle Opener That Also Holds Your Child’s Fine Art

via: Amazon

There are few things more irritating than trying to track down a bottle opener when youre hankering for a cold one. Thats why no one will complain when you gift them this impossible-to-lose Master Magnetics Bottle Opener. Strong magnets keep it adhered to the beer cooler (aka, refrigerator), where it can amass an ever-growing collection of child artwork, or a collection of bottle caps so large it might force you to reevaluate your life choices.

Snappy Amazon Review: The magnets are really strong. -Edward

11

These Magical Drops That Change The Way You Taste Food

via: Amazon

MBerry Drops contain extracts from the so-called miracle fruit a mysterious berry that causes some pretty serious shifts in your taste perception. Dissolve one of these ten tablets on your tongue, and everything changes. Lemons taste like lemonade. Vinegar tastes like apple juice. Cheese tastes like frosting. You suddenly achieve the body of your dreams. Okay, were lying about that last part, but we swear these drops are the real, and somewhat freaky, deal.

Snappy Amazon Review: Yes they work. -Heart Dad

12

This Notebook That Erases Itself In The Microwave

via: Amazon

While the surveillance utility of microwave ovens has been debunked, the ability of microwaves to completely clear the Rocketbook Wave Smart Notebook of your top-secret doodles or late-night confessions is fully bunked. Seriously, this notebook erases itself in the microwave. And it even comes with a Rocketbook app which scans your work in hi-def before obliteration.

Snappy Amazon Review: I love this notebook. -ecaminos

More posts in #Bizarre

People Are TICKED United Banned Two Girls From Their Flight For What They Were Wearing

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22 Photos That Are Guaranteed To Make You Feel a Little Awkward and Uncomfortable

13

This All Natural Deodorant That’s Worth Buying For The Name Alone

via: Amazon

Say it three times fast: Primal Pit Paste Deodorant. PPPD is an all-natural solution to body odor, featuring a 100% aluminum-free mixture of shea butter, arrowroot powder and baking soda for an odor fighting and soothing solution. But lets be honest, youre just buying this to give your friend something called Primal Pit Paste.

Snappy Amazon Review: 4 months later I am still using nothing but Primal Pit Paste! -Jen

14

This Pen That Lets You Sculpt Your Own New Reality Where You Made Better Choices

via: Amazon

For those of us that struggle to draw even the simplest of 3d figures, the 3Doodler Create 3D Pen is a mind-blowing game changer, allowing even the most challenged of artists to realize their visions in 3D plastic reality. Like normal 3D printers, the 3Doodler extrudes melted plastic, which dries almost instantly as you bring your vision to life whether that be a scale model of the Eiffel Tower, or a drooping mess of an attempt at a human head. Theres certainly a learning curve with the 3Doodler, but the potential for awesomeness cant be denied.

Snappy Amazon Review: My son loves this! -Dawn

15

These Platypi That Infuse Your Tea With Too Much Adorability

via: Amazon

To be fair, theres a veritable menagerie of adorable animal-shaped tea infusers on Amazon. Seriously. Manatees, sloths, baby dinosaurs. But when it comes to a combination of cute and unique, nothing rivals a platypus. Especially platypus tea infusers. Especially when theyre called Mr. & Mrs. PlaTEApus. Come on. Just take my money already. These silicone platypi prop themselves on the edge of your tea cup and slowly infuse your favorite loose-leaf tea through tiny holes in their adorable bellies. And they come in their own gift box. I cant take it.

Snappy Amazon Review: So cute! Easy to fill and clean. So adorable! -Amazon Customer

16

This Small Plastic Stone That Fills The Room With Aromatic Humidity

via: Amazon

This small but mighty Deneve Essential Oil Diffuser and Humidifier can fill a space of up to 250 square feet with delightfully scented mist, while also putting on an ever-changing light show. Its the easy way to throw the most soothing of at-home raves.

Snappy Amazon Review: It is great. It is important to wipe it out between uses. -Torsten

More posts in #Bizarre

People Are TICKED United Banned Two Girls From Their Flight For What They Were Wearing

14 Times Leggings Made You Question Everything You Know About Fashion

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16 Popular Foreign Superstitions That Make Absolutely No Sense

22 Photos That Are Guaranteed To Make You Feel a Little Awkward and Uncomfortable

17

This Showerhead and Speaker That Will Change The Way You Bathe

via: Amazon

Your bathroom karaoke game just got way more serious. Kohlers MoxieShowerhead and Wireless Speaker combines a sixty-nozzle shower head with a removable, rechargeable bluetooth speaker, allowing you to stream all of your top tunes while you steam your way to relaxation. And when the speakers lithium ion battery runs low, just pop it from its magnetic hold in the shower head and plug it into the included USB cable for a quick charge. You’ll be up and showering-singing again in no time.

Snappy Amazon Review: The only thing better than a shower beer is having a shower beer while safely gyrating to jams in the shower. -Jonathon

18

The Toilet Stool That’ll Change The Way You…Go

via: Amazon

Okay, so since it exploded on Shark Tank, the Squatty Potty hasnt exactly been an unknown quantity. But that doesnt make it any less bizarre (or useful!) of a gift. The manufacturer recommends that beginning squatters start with the 7-inch Squatty, though those limber of leg and/or well-practiced in the art of squatting can venture up to the 9-inch SP. With sales in the millions and celebrities like Howard Stern touting the effectiveness of the simple bathroom stool, its safe to say the Squatty Potty isnt a passing phase its a movement.

Snappy Amazon Review: Oh Squatty Potty, You fill me with endless joy, Yet leave me empty. -Wm.

19

The Clear Film That Turns Any Surface Into a Dry Erase Board

via: Amazon

Synergy. Leverage. Ideation. These corporate buzzwords arent just limited to conference rooms anymore. With the Think Premium Board Medium, you can have the power of the white board anywhere you please! But seriously, this 2-foot by 3-foot clear sheet adheres to almost any surface, so you can doodle, plan, outline and scheme to your hearts dry-erase delight.

Snappy Amazon Review: OMG, I absolutely love this. Just like you, i’ve been looking for a white board for productivity, goals, action steps, you name it! -Georgetowns Marketplace

20

These Magical Tooth Wipes That Hide The Fact That You’ve Been Day Drinking

via: Amazon

No longer must you choose between red wine and a white smile. These Wine Wipes pack just enough hydrogen peroxide to wipe stains away from your pearly whites, without interfering with the delicious flavor.

Snappy Amazon Review: This stuff works perfectly. -b-ran

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Load Comments

from All Of Beer http://allofbeer.com/20-weird-but-genius-products-on-amazon-for-people-who-have-everything/

[bethanigoodrum]

A Glimpse

The short story of how today went was that I bought a new pair of pants and had baked lasagna for dinner. But with an eating disorder, the story is never that simple. Here is an intimate unfiltered look at what went on inside my brain during the shopping excursion and dinner. From the outside perspective I had a successful day with no behaviors but the short story fails to show the raw reality that recovery is. This is my attempt to show the true effort that goes behind having a successful day. 

The automatic doors slide shut blocking out the chilly blast of the Wisconsin winter wind that I had just emerged from. I am suddenly immersed in the bright lights and warmth that Target offers as a refuge from the cold night. But although I greet the warmth readily, this refuge only offers me a growing sense of anxiety. The urge to turn around and return to the frigid air appears in the forefront of the brain. But I can't turn around. I have to buy these pants for the interview and there is no other time to do so.  I think about going towards the book section and letting my eyes wander over new covers that bring about hope for a future exciting adventure, but no, I can't, procrastinating will only delay the inevitable. Might as well just get it over with and hurry back out to the true safety of my car. My legs bring me to the jean section against the protests of my brain. Its the small number printed on the blue stickers that have brought about this internal battle inside me. I stand in front of the promising pants and let my eyes and brain focus on the pair with the number * on the sticker. I want so badly to reach up and grab them and just walk away calling the shopping experience a success. But that trick isn't good enough for my brain. I know that no matter how easy it would be to pretend, hope, and push away the thoughts of recovery, my body will speak for itself. The thought of facing up to the fact that I will no longer fit into size * is what I have been dreading since I first walked out of Rogers Behavioral Hospital in August. Buying the next size up feels so much like a lost battle to my brain even though I know that my supporters will say that this new size represents health rather than a loss. I can try to tell myself that this is a good thing, but standing there facing the new size feels like anything but health. That number is just a foot away from me; teasing me. I know I need to grab it but I just can't get myself to do it. I don't want to lose the battle just yet. Maybe if I try it on I’ll find that it is too big and I can return happily back to the shelf to grab my familiar and comfortable size. Yes, I’ll do that. The battle is not over yet. But I should've known that taking on another fight would only lead me into the face of more struggle. How could I forget about the enemy of the mirror awaiting for me behind the closed door? I try to avoid it but it has this way to just draw you in. The first thing I focus on is my face. Is that disgusting thing reflecting back to me actually me? How can I ever be hired when I look this ugly, surly they will take one look at me and decide that they can do better. Did I seriously go all day in public looking this dreadful? Is this what people see every time they look at me? How do I ever have friends when I look like this? These are negative thoughts B, focus on the eyes, those are what are important, can you see the warmth and kindness in them? No, all I see is disgust and emptiness. My gaze travels down below my neck. I can't even look at my stomach, it’s nothing like how it used to be. I keep on thinking that I’ll see a flat stomach whenever I look down and it never fails to catch me off guard when I see how much I have changed and how much weight I have put on. I keep my eyes going downwards hoping to find something that’ll make me feel okay about myself. My gaze gets paralyzed on my thighs. They look double the size, how could they have gotten that big in only a few months? Maybe it’s just the mirror, yeah that’s gotta be it, theres a simple way to test it. Just gotta see that thigh gap and everything will be all better. I can breathe. I turn facing the mirror and put my feet together waiting for the relief to flood over me. Except, why isn't there a gap?? No, this can't be right, I’ve never not had one. I can't live with my thighs touching. The test failed which means that what I’m seeing is all true. This is how I look. I can't look like this. I have to go home and exercise right away. Forget getting dinner, it’s been all the dinners that have done this. I can’t eat dinner anymore I have to get that thigh gap back. Yes, I just have to leave this dressing room and go home so I can go work out. I gather up the pants and reluctantly tell the employee that I will be keeping them even though I hate to see that one number being scanned and swiping my card to pay for it. I get back into the sanctuary of my car that only 15 minutes earlier I couldn't wait to enter. But I can't breathe easy like i thought, this is no longer the sanctuary I thought it would be. I can't help but notice how the seatbelt feels against my stomach. It didn’t use to feel like this. I can feel my thighs just expanding on the seat taking up so much room. I can't breathe. I have this sudden thought enter my head that the best way to solve this is to take my fist and show my thighs how I feel about them. Maybe then I won't be able to feel them. But no, I can't, just wait until I get home, there are tools there. Breathe, just make it home. I pull out of the parking lot with the intention of going home but I hit a red light and it is there that I see the lights of Fazoli’s reminding me of the plans that I had had before Target to stop there for dinner. I have a full minute of waiting at the lights  to have the thoughts of my friends reminding me to eat swirl around in my head. Just this morning you told someone that you'd been doing well with food. Just this afternoon you told yourself you want to put all your energy into recovery. You can't do this new job while engaging in self harm and restricting. This isn't who you want to be, B. And then there is a blinding green light that takes over the night and instead of taking a right turn home I am guided to the drive thru with the sense of knowing that i am doing the right thing but hating the decision as soon as it is too late to go towards the highway. I get to the drive thru lane but there are still two cars in front of me which prolongs my impulsive decision to eat. I’m not thinking about the good smell of breadsticks wafting through the air or the delicious options on the menu screen, the only thing I can think about is how I am continuing to ruin the thigh gap. I put all of my attention on the feel of my thighs against the leather and I don't even notice that the other cars have pulled ahead and it is my turn to order. I order the lasagna but my head is screaming at me to order the side salad. Once I have ordered it I know that I will eat it. The idea of restriction is out the window and I am frustrated at myself for not being strong enough to skip dinner tonight. But I also know that I made the right decision and I am tempted to text someone about this victory solely with the hope that maybe their proudness in me will motivate me and help me feel better for eating it. But I don't because doing so would make me look pathetic. Why would anyone be proud of me for eating a meal I am meant to eat. I get home and I eat all of it, again to the disappointment of my brain. I could've just ate half and thrown away the other half, why did I have to eat all of it? The meal sits in me and the taste lingers in my mouth reminding me of the struggle that this one meal was. I try and wash it away with water but there is nothing that can wash away the feel of the food in me. I could purge. The idea is tempting, but a new behavior is not something I can put myself through. I could self harm, at least then I’m not focused on the food. I look at the tool sitting on the end table. I think about what it would be like to use it and give up with all of the mental strain that trying has given me. I could just so easily let this night fade into old habits. But then yet again the thoughts of recovery float to the surface begging for a night of health. And so the idea of writing it all out slowly creeps in and overrides the self harm urge. I tear my eyes away from the tool and instead grab for my computer, open it up, and start typing the thoughts that have plagued me all night. I sit here almost three hours after the purchase of the pants and food and I am still filled with so much hatred for my body. How do people get through this stage of recovery? How am I going to be able to live inside of a body that gives me so much anxiety and produces so much disgust? The feeling of living inside this body stays with me every second of every day which means that there is never a break from recovery. Sometimes I just want a break. I just want a gap. But I have to breathe. I have to recover.