#but sometimes it just exacerbates existant issues lol

[6ebe]

Waking up for rowing at 5:30 is so evil sometimes like I’m already feeling depressed burnt out and fed up and it’s not even midday 😞

[icewindandboringhorror]

Some (late) holiday photos of the boye~!

[nymphia-tarot]

Your relationship with them [18+] PAC

pile 1 ----> pile 2

pile 3 ----> pile 4

🍂 meditate on the pics and pick whichever one calls to you the most. this reading is divided into two parts: your general life dynamic and your sex-life. you might feel drawn to more than one pile, which means you may have messages in other piles for you as well! if you don't feel particularly drawn to any pile, the messages in this reading might not be intended for you. since this is a general reading, take what resonates! 🍂

🍂Pile 1:

ᯓ★ General:

I'm getting your person is somewhat ambitious and a planner. They may have come from humble beginnings and thus, they know the value of hardwork and pragmatism. There's probably a lot of LGBTQ+ individuals in this pile. I'm getting a lot of sapphics in particular?

I'm getting your partner embodies the more "dominant" or active energy in the dynamic here. They're probably just used to being the one who does most of the doing in their life. I'm getting workaholic vibes as well. Your person feels like you really pull them off their balance. Or like, you can easily shake them off even when they try to hold themselves together. I feel like for a lot of you it's probably unintentionally too which kinda frustrates them lol.

If you lived together, they might probably be really busy all the time due to their nature as well as circumstances. I feel like work and responsibilities may be overwhelming in the relationship. There might even be arguments due to a clash of values or perspectives about some matters. They might not be able to meet your emotional needs at times due to them generally being more head-oriented. I'm getting warnings from spirit regarding communication. All relationships are built on trust and healthy communication, so don't be discouraged! With time, I feel this could be a very mature and deep relationship based on security, trust and hardwork overcoming obstacles together. However, if issues exacerbate and you find that they're not the right one for you then the choice to decide on the future is always your right.

ᯓ★ In the bedroom:

Your person finds you extremely tempting and irresistible. They may even have been lusting after you for quite a while before you guys got together. I'm getting that they were pining after you heavily and being extremely downbad lol. They love watching you and they may even start fantasizing about you midday whenever they look at you 😭💀 They might do it solo a lot with you in their mind. They might be lowkey afraid that others might feel the same about you and it makes them a bit anxious even though I feel like they might hide it outwardly.

There's a lot of passion in the bedroom between the two of you. Their feelings towards you are very intense, almost as if they're directing it all at once with a laser focus. They might get very consumed in the bedroom, like nothing else exists in the moment except the two of you. They might like receiving oral from you a lot or at least they fantasize about it quite a lot of times. They might even be dominant in the bedroom and have fantasies of you submitting to them. I feel like they're the possessive type, and this might even show from subtle things in the moment like the way they grip you just a bit harder, almost as if they don't want to let you go.

A lot of yall in pile 1 might be pillow-princesses. I feel like you also love teasing your partner, not usually in an overt way but through more subtle mannerisms. Your partner notices this and it drives them craaazyy lol. Overall, I feel like you really satisfy each other in bed and you might also subconsciously soothe a lot of each other's insecurities and deeply-rooted fears. Sometimes, the sex between you two might get so intense that you both lose sight of everything else-- maybe you leave your room/house really messy everytime you do it too. They might like to get rough with you in bed but there's also aftercare and I feel like a lot of you really enjoy the aftercare sessions a lot, almost like that's the main "treat" you're after even though the sex is good.

🍂 Pile 2:

ᯓ★ General:

I feel like quite a lot of my pile 2 individuals are very idealistic people and hopeless romantics. Maybe some of you are even inexperienced in the matters of love and might have a lot of ideas and fantasies about the perfect relationship, which might even be unrealistic at times (hey, nothing wrong with it as long as it's not negatively interfering with your life). I feel like this relationship will be nothing like you've dreamed of, and that's not necessarily in a bad way. In a way, it'll teach you valuable life lessons and give you a more grounded and mature perspective about the reality of relationships.

Your person is a very free individual and they're the type who doesn't hold anything back. Maybe their boundaries are very expansive, and they might appear extremely open and accepting. They might be very materially prosperous and abundant as well. I feel like your person is very sociable and might be someone who belongs to "high society". I'm getting Gatsby vibes-ish outwardly. Very composed, elegant and smooth as well in their exterior-- almost like they have it all together, a social chameleon and a charming influencer.

However, I'm getting that there might be a duality to them. They might even be depressed lowkey. They might not have the healthiest relationship with their emotions. It's like, they were never really taught how to handle pain and they might even keep that aspect of themselves neglected, which might lead to detrimental consequences as a result. Perhaps my pile 2s were drawn to the outer brilliance of this person because they do appear really bright, like a treasure. They seem like the ideal prince of your dreams who could fulfill all your needs initially. However, as the relationship progresses, you discover more and more aspects of them that aren't entirely beautiful. This relationship comes with struggles, especially mental health struggles for a lot of you, and it might even be harder than you initially expected. However, at the end, you will also find a lot of growth individually. Also, I'm getting that some people here in this pile were attracted to both pile 1 and 2 and found overlapping messages relevant to their situation in both piles?

ᯓ★ In the bedroom:

Your person might have some kinkier desires when it comes to the bedroom that they don't just allow anyone to know. I'm getting it might be a bit shameful for them to admit, that's why it's mostly secret. They might even take you to a sex dungeon to do it at times so that you can fulfill that desire.

For your person, sex is a very intimate thing and they might really like privacy in the moment-- in the sense that they're allowing you and you alone to see something noone else is allowed to know. It takes a lot of trust for them to open up, and I'm getting that a major overarching theme in the dynamic between you two is the merging of boundaries and letting yourself go, as if holding nothing back out of a decision to trust and find security in each other.

I'm getting that they might think of themselves as "hideous" deep down, not necessarily in appearance but just as a general feeling. They might see you as something "pure" that they're tainting (kinda depressed vibes yeah). Reminds me of that one Nine Inch Nails song: Closer. Perhaps they even see you as "above" them and might feel undeserving of you deep down. I'm also getting that they really like your chest. They really enjoy sucking them too. Perhaps you might take a more nurturing role in the bedroom for them, soothing them and making them feel loved and safe. You might take control more often than them in the bedroom and they also enjoy getting tied up while you're free to do anything to them. They might like being more on the receiving end of sex. They might also idolise you a lot.

🍂 Pile 3:

ᯓ★ General:

For my pile 3s, what I'm getting is that when you start a relationship with your person you might be in somewhat of a pinch financially. Maybe you or your partner might be having a hard time finding employment or maybe your job will face some problems where it'll be difficult to get by with simply wages. I'm getting that you guys will start a creative partnership. It'll be something decided on a whim, maybe you will just decide to go "fuck it" and take a leap of faith to see where fortune takes you and start a creative outlet, perhaps a new business venture. You (plural) might be full of ideas and innovative spirits.

This relationship will be more of a mutual partnership and you guys are like best friends who are also lovers kinda deal. There are a lot of different people here... for some, I'm getting that you might get an offer for help from the other but you will reject it due to a possibility for imbalance in the relationship and you will choose your freedom and pursue an independent path, which you'll be successful at in the end anyway.

This relationship will lead to a sort of rebirth for both of you as individuals, mostly your person though. They might go through a major transformation in the future of this relationship. In the future, there's a lot of worries and anxiety coming from your end regarding your ability to manifest your dreams. A lot of you are people who like to dream big and have high hopes. So maybe you're afraid that you might not succeed and the circumstances surrounding you will start to weigh on you a bit more than you can handle. However, I'm getting that the hurdles present in this relationship are not only yours to carry alone. This relationship seems very balanced mostly and it's one of those relationships where you both go through troubles together hand in hand to support each other through thick and thin.

ᯓ★ In the bedroom:

I'm getting a lot of emphasis on your bottom. Maybe it's your person's favourite part of your body for them. They really enjoy giving you oral, doing it while watching you from behind or just watching that part of you. The sex between you two might be something that feels really transformative. You might do it a lot to release mundane stress and tension from daily life and it really helps soothe you at the end of the day. They might also enjoy giving you oral from below while you're preoccupied with some work at your desk.

You guys might also indulge in semi-public sex. You might do it in situations where there's a risk of being seen by others. I'm also getting sex in the park lol. You or your person might be into voyeur fantasies as well where there's a third party involved to watch. Or maybe they'll introduce a third party in your sex life as well. However, the focus is more on pleasing you than them and that's what the third party is for. Sometimes, they might even show up at the workplace secretly and have sex with you lol.

I'm seeing that your person genuinely has a lot of deep feelings for you and wants you to be cared for and happy with them. They might express this through sex where they'll focus more on your satisfaction than theirs. It's like, your satisfaction makes them satisfied and turns them on. Sometimes, they might even be really worried that you don't want them as much as they want you. They have a tendency to not voice their discomfort and it might lead to some repressed resentment so an advice I'd give out is communicating your boundaries with each other in a healthy manner. Honestly, deep down what they really want is your attention while you forget about everything else and just focus on them. They lowkey love being pampered and are kinda needy.

🍂 Pile 4:

ᯓ★ General:

For my pile 4s, I'm getting that there's a certain sense of imbalance in this relationship. Your person might be in a position (whether socially, financially, professionally or elsewhere) where they're above you and you guys aren't on equal ground. This might create somewhat of a power dynamic and they might hold more than you do. Be careful, because for some of you I'm getting that there's a potential for abuse here, or some other form of exploitation due to how severely skewed the dynamics of the relationship are.

I'm seeing there's also a good potential for marriage. They might come to you with a marriage offer and do their best to woo you. You're like a wish-fulfillment to your person and they really desire you as someone that seems special and magnetic, like a distant star. For some, I'm getting that you might even be younger than them, or you have a more youthful and bright energy to you that they really admire and look at fondly. It's because you have this spark to you that they find really rare and you pull them in with your brightness. I'm also getting that your presence gives them a lot of hope.

For this relationship, I'm getting that your person likes to hold control over the dynamic. They might lowkey have a manipulative streak in that they make situations go a certain way in subtle manners so that it leads to the ideal outcome they want. I'm getting that a lot of my pile 4s are very intelligent and you might discern them more easily than they think. You two might enjoy playing mind games with each other a lot as a form of stimulation. I'm getting that one anime "kaguya-sama" vibes where the couple did a lot of silly shit to get each other to fall for them lol. Maybe a lot of yall are sapiosexuals as well.

ᯓ★ In the bedroom:

The two of you have really intense chemistry and the sex is extremely passionate as well. It's like when you're together, you tend to drown in pleasure and forget everything else. Really rough sex, intense positions and hot and heavy movements, etc. You guys really get into the moment when you're together and due to that you might end up somewhat sore or just really tired afterwards when you're done.

In a way, I feel like both of you are more focused on your own sensations and pleasure and focus everything to whatever you're feeling in the moment. Not that you don't please each other or don't care about each other at all, but it's more like the feeling of pleasure is the main focus when you're in the bedroom. Something lowkey Dionysian about the moment you're together. You two might both enjoy how messy it can get in bed. You're both very downbad and like to do it anywhere.

Your person enjoys it when you ride on top of them or when you wrap your legs around them. They also really enjoy watching you move violently or roughly while your face is twisted in pleasure while they're going at it. It's the animalistic impulse that really turns them on. Sex for them is a way of touching upon that primitive part of yourself and letting it lose. That's why your sessions can be a bit uninhibited. They might even enjoy gripping you tightly and get stern during sex. They'll always make sure the both of you orgasam and achieve pleasure though. They also love embracing you and touching you in general. They think of you as a queen/king in the bedroom and might even treat you like one in their own way. They're also really into spanking and punishments (either to you or for themselves). Both of you can be very vocal during sex. A lot of people might even gossip about yall.

[mymarifae]

i just want to share my thoughts about akito and Death. because even now—even off the back of an event like burn my soul—people STILL talk about him like he's an explicitly depressed, suicidal character whose every action is cause for concern.

i think the idea that akito is suicidal has been floating around for a very long time. and while it's not entirely without merit (more on this in a bit), it's still a misconception. and it really feels like kashika exacerbated the issue. which is unfortunate! it's sad to see such a beautiful song be misinterpreted like this.

now don't get me wrong! kashika is about death. but two things:

1. kashika may have been written for akito, but it's not just for him. it's also deeply personal to ryo haruka. there are certainly similarities and haruryo undoubtedly understood everything akito felt during the events that led up to the crawl green incident, but i don't think it's entirely fair to equate his very real emotions and struggles to those of a fictional character. he and akito share kashika! you can interpret it through either lens, but trying to do so through both is where things start getting messy

2. whiiiiich leads me to my second point. who decided that the only way to interpret kashika and its themes of death is literally?

i think it's pretty common for people to automatically interpret any themes of death literally—or at least very negatively. we're naturally conditioned to fear death, and then we're taught to fear it even more. it's the change. it's the unknown. it's the very idea of an "end." most people aren't very fond of these things! understandably so. but personally? i think the symbolism that can exist behind death is beautiful.

Death is the 13th card of the major arcana. above all else, it symbolizes change (positive change; it's always, always about what's ultimately best for you). Death tells you it's time to move forward; this part of your life is done. there is more waiting for you—new opportunities, new experiences, a brighter, more fulfilling future—but you must be prepared to let go.

the habits and routines you have now? the mindsets that have kept you alive? your current sense of self? whatever it is, whatever Death is asking for, you have to let it "die." it won't serve you anymore. it will only drag you down. and it might be terrifying and you might not be able to comprehend what lies ahead and you might want to kick and scream and struggle, but you can't cling forever. endings are never easy, and sometimes they hurt like hell, but with each end comes a new beginning.

and yes if you've read burn my soul this should all sound very familiar lol:

looking at death from this perspective, kashika and the entirety of find a way out should read a lot more like akito caught on the cusp of a monumental transformation. suspended between "life" (the old) and "death" (the new) so to speak.

up to this point he's been fueled by spite and desperation. two very intense, very negative emotions—but it's an intensity that worked. everyone else on vivid street had years of musical experience, and he had 0. he needed to catch up and he needed to catch up quickly because it's not like he could put the whole world on pause. he could take his time to learn the basics, sure, but every other vivid street musician would continue improving and growing while he did that. there would always be a gap between him and Them.

unless... he worked harder—WAY harder—than all of them combined.

and maybe that wouldn't do it either. maybe he would be stuck in place forever, always playing catch-up, always struggling to stay afloat, always being left behind. he knew this. and he knew the amount of destruction he'd end up inflicting upon himself if he went down this path. but in his mind, it was okay. it was worth it. because he'd rather die endlessly pursuing what he loves most than live not trying at all.

but in find a way out, when facing off against his old bullies, he starts to realize that he was wrong. he's not just stuck in place. he bridged the gap a long time ago, and he almost didn't even notice. and where he's going now, spite and desperation are the wrong emotions to sing from. he needs to let the unhealthy, extreme mindsets die, but also it's hard to let go of something when you would have given up a long long long LONG time ago without it.

but with time, and enough poking and prodding from ken and luka, he does it. he lets go. he lets the old parts of him die, and he passes on to the next stage of his life.

akito's character arc has always been about growth. improvement. learning. Becoming Better. and not just in a musical sense although Yes That Is A Huge Part Of It. his arc is also about his growth as a person. it's about him becoming more confident, and learning how to be kinder and more patient with both himself and other people. it's about him learning how to let his walls down and let his loved ones in. and to trust that they won't start kicking him to death once they're in there.

it's about him learning to exchange the Spite and Desperation for Passion and Love.

it's about him becoming happier.

which is why it's so fucking startling when people talk about him like he's suicidal and on the verge of a breakdown. like, woah, what?

as i said though, kashika isn't the only source of this misconception and i find more merit in the other sources because they're actual aspects of his character and scenes in the story and not song lyrics that shouldn't have been read so literally in the first place. like, yeah. we've seen a ton of unhealthy behavior out of akito. he's had a very extreme perspective on his place in the world from a super early age, and while the severity frequently gets exaggerated in fanon spaces, the shinonome household isn't exactly sunshine and rainbows.

he's been moody, he's been prickly and abrasive, he's lashed out. he keeps most people at arm's length and builds walls so high not even toya can get through them at first. he had to! he wouldn't have survived if he didn't! like, he was targeted and bullied by a group of adults when he first started singing on vivid street. that is actually a genuinely traumatizing thing to happen to a kid!

so no, i'm not against the idea that akito has experienced depression and suicidal ideation in the past. kinda comes naturally with the territory he ended up in. but that's the key word: past.

i get confused when the idea is dragged into the present. because again! the whole point of his character arc is he's overcome all that PAST adversity! recovery isn't linear but we're not about to see him hit rock bottom any time soon. or ever, actually. you know why? because we've already seen his rock bottom. stray bad dog. that event was his big breakdown moment. that's what opened him up to try to start healing.

we're not getting another stray bad dog. stop expecting another stray bad dog.

he's alright, i promise. he's growing up. he's gotten better. he knows he belongs in vivid bad squad. he knows he's loved. he knows his friends will be there to catch him when he falls. he's always been strong, but now he's even stronger. he's excited for his future, and i think we should be too.

[purplewolfie]

You’re right, it isn’t the same love. A romantic or friendship love doesn’t begin unconditional, it comes from speaking, spending time, acts of affection, mutual interests. It’s built over years with a foundation of trust and respect. It’s normal to feel attracted to people who you connect with, on an emotional and sexual level. Every body experiences that. Wanting to feel close to people you connect with. It doesn’t mean you’re destined for poly. For example, have you ever felt like no matter how much love you receive and how many connections you have, you don’t feel loved in the same way and amount that you do for others? BPD creates this feeling that nobody will ever love you the way you love them so you think by having more connections it will fill in the gaps and allow you to accumulate the received love to being on a level you experience. It doesn’t. You can’t fill those feelings because BPD feels them on extreme levels. From experience with non monogamy, exploring multiple relationships exacerbated feelings of why am I not loved as much as I love others? Will they leave me like everyone else? Am I just being used for my body, to fill some time whilst they find someone better or to get back at their ex? Relationships of this kind are difficult for people without mental health issues but for people like us with attachment and emotional regulation disfunction? It’s a cycle of short term relationships, idolising new interests and devaluing old ones, self destruction and heartbreak. I no longer practice and am now married. Do I still get urges to sleep with my friends sometimes? Sure, but it’s not worth my sanity or losing the only person who genuinely cares about me, my health and my safety even in my rage filled episodes when I say disgusting things to them. I’m loved even when I don’t feel it. I know when this disorder has us fixed on something it’s hard to see outside of those ideas but when has reality ever come close to the ideals of fantasy?

Now that would depend on the type of love you feel though, would it not? If it’s a poly thing or if it’s just friend love with added you find them sexually attractive. You cannot make that distinction solely based on your own experiences. We may have the same diagnosis but it varies. So discounting anyone who has BPD as not being poly isn’t solid in my opinion. I do feel like I’m not loved in the amount or next to the amount I show. But I put that down to people’s misconceptions of what love means and is. Most of the people who use the term love mean it in a selfish, the way they make me feel kinda way. To fill their needs. Not about the person in general. I know this because even if said person who can give me nothing and is no longer in my life. I can still love them regardless. Many do not. They find better or something else to fill the void of what they think love is and then move on (not all, but a lot of people do this.) and that to me is usage. It’s not love. This doesn’t mean the ones who still love you but wish to find what they are looking for. This is meaning the people who just forget you exist lol. Coz to me love is forever ya know. Most people don’t know what forever means. So I don’t put that on the BPD. The part of me that feels stuff even more so, sure, I would go above and beyond for people because that’s who I am and it’s probably exacerbated by the BPD. But I prefer to make people feel loved, even if I do not receive it back. Sometimes it’s not good coz people take advantage but I’m getting there. See that’s where I think we differ. I don’t idolise people and I don’t devalue “old” relationships. Loving more than one person doesn’t devalue them in any way in my book. It’s like saying if I have another kid I’m devaluing my first born. If I get another close friend who I love as a friend im devaluing the other. It makes no sense to me. I’m happy for you that you have found the love and marriage that makes you happy :). But see i dont see it as a fantasy. I just feel i love differently i guess. And to me it’s not a usage for a fix thing. Coz even if they leave I still love them and wish them all the happiness. There is never a thought of. Fuck them, or any malice, ever.

[batteredwarriorstillstanding]

Alright, so listen up, Smart-Ass...first of all, entertaining as all of the hyperbolic comparisons to the impossibly pure, sexually untouched, puritanical sect (does that really even exist on this continent) and the even more hysterical (not to mention infinitely more accurate of the two. Not accurate....just closer than "saint-like," virtuous man of God) clueless middle aged eunuch, whose inexperience can be attributed to a level of naivete and cluelessness almost impossible to comprehend for the typical....correct chromosome count possessing reader, who does not have a difficult decision when decidong which character on Darwin's human evolutionary chart they most identify...I hesitate to make this concession....first of all because it's a concession...in THIS forum, on THIS topic nonetheless. Also, seemingly granting legitimacy to the oft-distorted, ALWAYS spiked with shameful dishonesty "revelations" about me that I must have wasted 10000 words refuting to people who either didn't consider it an issue (HOOOW!!??lol) needed no refutation in the first place, much less the detailed version I felt compelled to vomit, or were adversaries, either for personal, or situational reasons who were not open to reversing themselves, and, in fact, very often found new falsehoods to create within corrected info provided. The truth is that while every claim I made during this foray (about 14 months long, probably averaging 2-3 sometimes ridiculously long posts over 4 blogs-or 5....something like that. 6 possible too...honestly am not sure) I have never been wilfully dishonest. Made a couple of honest mistakes that were corrected to the best of my ability, and utilized my normal copious allotment of sarcasm, fesiciousness (that is a word, I think....do not have a CLUE how to spell it: Its definition would be " what people often mistake for sarcasm. Making a statement opposite universally accepted truth for effect i.e. "That Barry Manilow is one bad motherfucker.") and I certainly tiptoes around some uh....less than gentlemanly things said and done in the past, but I was very careful to avoid outright lying....and, I addressed a few things I ABSOLUTELY would have seen as a guckin' GOLDEN opportunity to alter fate in my favor with the help of a little dishonesty. I passed those up. You see kids, your integrity, for ANY positive outcome, ANY dodging of consequence, ANY dollar amount....is simply nit worth compromising a single iota. Take it from Me." Lol...just kidding...

But, I did not wish to exacerbate a, perhaps....justifiably imperfect, reputation in that area....particularly after an honest mistake earky on had reasonably light hearted (thank gid) accusation of "bullshit con artist" leveled at me from a....less than ideal source. By that, I mean the worst possible. Luckily,it worked itself out and was explained (fucking 1 or 3 months ago when it didn't fucking matter) but; I was and remain absolutely grateful (what the fuck ever) So, continuing our course on the Honesty Express, it seems our next stop is Honest Self Appraisal.....and, after adding this tool of the Saints to our new repertoire, we realize that just because we can explain aspects of our self, abilities, weaknesses, past mistakes, etc in a fashion that is both thorough AND honest....it behooves us to include certain data we deem both not accurately indicative of our true selves and easily buried in a generalized admission of ADHD diagnoses, occasional social anxiety, and having occasionally encountered the need for "anger management" assistance. Only with skilled and persistent prying would I reveal that "ADHD diagnoses" came after failing English (easily my best subject because formatting fictional short stories....which essentially meant "numbering the pages" was too difficult and I was embarassed to turn shit in because I was made fun of the first time) "social anxiety" meant COMPLETE isolation for 3 to 6 days, often in darkness, away from even family, and "anger management" could be translate into "it's nice so many of our family members are attorneys." So, I will make an admission here, in the interest of good will, self depreciation, and frankly...fairness and accuracy before I respond to the rest of this shit, uh, I mean "argumentative explanation for"....fuck. what was it for. I will double check. I was right, though. That is whatcha want to remember. After doing this, I will explain why, though she has every right to her opinion...it's....questionable (like that word? I really mean something far more dismissive and judgemental, but....) oh sorry....anyway, (to be cont.)

[fairycosmos]

my therapist got frustrated with me because ive "given up". like excuse me but what the fuck do they expect when 1. youve been mentally ill and suicidal since childhood 2. youre poor 3. the world keeps getting more fucked up every day. getting a job and going outside is her solution to all that apparently, why dont they understand how fucked everything is lol

ugh so so sorry to hear that :/ it's weird that they'd get frustrated with you over this. as if everything you've been through isn't extremely disenfranchising and exhausting like. ppl can only take so much and wanting to give up isn't a fkn crime or unusual for mentally ill ppl at all, esp poor mentally ill people living under this system. they really should be equipped to deal with it better. obviously it's their job to encourage you and to try to help you function in the world too but man - that must've been so disheartening and just overall unhelpful to hear. tbh i can not stand therapists who act like getting a job is the cure to everything when it is quite literally not. like it can actually sometimes exacerbate existing mental health issues, and no matter what situation a mentally ill person finds themselves in, their illness is always going to present new challenges. bad therapists hate admitting that i think.

you can just really tell when a mental health professional isn't trying to help you truly work things out, cant u? when they're just trying to help you look like you know how to live in society the "correct" way. there's no acknowledgement of how fucked everything is, and that can feel so invalidating. i think a lot of people working in mental health don't want to admit that there's actually a ton of external and wide- scale problems making ppl mentally unwell right now. that it is complex, and painful. that it not just always a matter of a chemical imbalance, or taking some pills or having a few sessions with a therapist and moving on. i really feel for u and again im sorry you have to put up with this. if you feel like you need to connect with a new therapist or communicate to ur current one that theyre not meeting your needs, i would really encourage that. i know it's utterly exhausting and unfair but at the end of the day you deserve to be be understood. and you deserve to not have ur time money energy etc wasted by someone who thinks cosplaying a good little capitalist is the answer to such intensive and deeply rooted hurt. sending u sm love rn. x

[castielcommunism]

Oh okay, how about pet peeves for Dean’s characterization in fics?

oooouuuhhgggg well. many things. in general I tend to divide Dean’s problems into like, stuff he’s consciously aware of (usually that’s the conflict currently happening in the fic), stuff that regularly affects his motivations and actions but he doesn’t consciously acknowledge (his insecurity, his abandonment issues, his neediness - they infuse his thoughts and behaviour but he doesn’t sit back and think like, wow I am an insecure person or whatever), and then stuff that’s like foundational to who he is as a person, which sometimes surface when he’s stressed out but are not talked about directly (his own view of himself as a tool/objet to be used, his parentification as a young child, etc).

So in the Dean Problems Iceberg I think he’s aware of only the first two levels. the bottom level is just like his frame of reference for the world that he doesn’t question or even consciously think about, it’s just part of who he is (and if he does question it, he needs very good motivation for doing so). Like I tend to interpret Dean as more self aware than he’s often portrayed, but that self-awareness is uneven, context-dependent, and sometimes only comes out during moments of reflection or emotional breakthroughs. I think relying on your readers to pick out why he’s acting irrationally without spelling it out works best, and it’s one of the benefits of fanfic. Your audience has a supposed baseline of knowledge about the character that you can lean on for support when writing about these characters. I don’t have to be told that Dean has abandonment issues, but I DO want to see him have a little spiralling meltdown when someone gently rejects him. You know what I mean?

So like the most enjoyable Dean fics for me are ones where he’s dealing with some ongoing conflict or problem, his own emotional/social issues exacerbate that problem, and the way he tries to resolve that problem is rooted in his own (lack of) self-worth. Sorry this is like mega abstract lol but basically like, I dislike fics where Dean is overly conscious of his own deeply rooted emotional issues. I think he’s aware they exist but he’s not doing like critical self examination about it. And by the same token it’s frustrating when fics make him too clueless and naive and needs either the narration or other characters to spell out basic shit about himself to him. Whatever that one post that’s like “you think I don’t know that I sound insane? You think that stops me from behaving like an insane person?” that’s sorta the sweet spot for me for Dean.

Where I usually close out of fics is either like, the narrative is too sympathetic and makes Dean a hapless dope whose biggest problem is that he loves too much, or he’s like way too open about his emotional problems and talks to people about them without sufficient build up. I think there needs to be some set up for him to approach someone and be like hi I need advice, and those people (imo) should not be Sam or Cas. He’ll confide in Cas if he’s having doubts or needs reassurance but imo he’ll seek out advice from other people. And Sam he definitely will not ask for help because Dean’s supposed to be his big brother who always knows what to do.

I have no idea if this makes any sense but generally speaking, I enjoy Dean in fics best when he sticks generally close to canon characterisation but taken down to like 20-40% intensity. Smooth out the rough edges, make him a little bit kinder and more understanding, but leave all the juicy problems disorders he has intact.

[faebriel]

ok ok I'm insane and couldn't pick one so have two (no need to answer both if you don't want to)

“You talk to him.” Not kindly, but he does.

“I’m used to him,” he shoots back. “I’m the only person who is.”

That makes Niki feel something, some uncomfortable tug in her chest. She mentally kicks herself. It’s not jealousy, she reminds herself, because despite the near-cliff jumping and the long nights without food and the nuclear fallout that has punctuated her last few months, being jealous of Tommy would be the least reasonable thing she’s allowed herself to be, maybe ever.

“You don’t believe me,” Tommy says flatly. “You never - eugh.” He cuts himself off with another ragged sigh, running a hand down his face. “Look, Niki, it’s - we were all together in Pogtopia, right? But I was there first. With him. And you didn’t see the start of it, it was horrible, and I’m glad no one else saw the beginning of it either but it was still just so shit and he kept saying all these terrible things about Tubbo and Fundy and you and,” he takes a shaky breath, “then, when I died, I saw him.”

Her breath catches in her throat.

Well, the voice in the back of her head whistles. If you were still wondering about all this afterlife bullshit, if you want to know where you’re going after your third life, here you go.

and

“You didn’t even - this isn’t about L’Manberg, Wilbur!” Niki shouts.

And then he stops, breathing hard, and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say.

“What else is there?” he asks.

Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut, her chest, her shoulders, chilled down to the bone. With slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes, sitting in her throat, threatening to spill over into a sob. She swallows - to keep her cool, to stay calm, to keep it together -

And then, something in her chest just snaps.

“You said you’d come back for me!” she cries, and her voice hitches on the lump of tears at the back of her throat and god, she sounds absolutely pathetic. Wilbur’s face softens immediately, which somehow just makes her feel even worse. “In Manberg. When Schlatt put me in prison, and you and Tommy were in Pogtopia, you said you’d break me out when it was safe. I waited for weeks , Wilbur. It was… it was horrible.”

“Niki…” a kaleidoscope of emotions flicker across his face, and he seems unsure which to settle on. “We got you out though, right? After the festival.”

“You looked for the button first,” she says quietly, and he stills.

Her sniffling sounds embarrassingly loud against the quiet background of night.

thank you sm!!! i’m gonna put these under the cut because they got a little long sorry (tw for discussion of suicidal ideation)

to preface: tommy is kind of the accidental but incredibly necessary invisible support beam for niki and wilbur’s making amends in bitter. niki cannot accept wilbur’s actions and apology without first acknowledging her own actions and making steps towards an apology, because otherwise it kind of falls flat? in that ending scene niki finally gets what wilbur is feeling and wilbur finally gets that someone else knows how he feels (it’s not perfect 100% yet, but…. that’ll get explored later)

onto the actual snippet! “tommy talks to wilbur - not kindly, but he does” was very important to me! tommy has stuck by wilbur ever since pogtopia, but the tragedy is that he is not equipped to deal with wilbur’s issues, and it shows. wilbur’s first stream after revival depicts this really clearly, where tommy tails wilbur around the whole time but insults him, is still stuck on calling him the villain, physically fights him at some point, etc. on one hand this isn’t healthy but on the other hand tommy is actually around, which is more than can be said for basically any other ally wilbur has had on the dsmp, maybe excluding his dad, who literally killed him lmfao.

this whole issue is exacerbated by the fact that tommy believes that he is the only person who properly understands wilbur, the only person who gets what happened to him, and feels like wilbur is generally his burden to bear. he failed to stop wilbur from both 1. hurting other people and 2. killing himself after the pogtopia-manberg war - and he doesn’t trust wilbur not to do either of those things again, so he’s stuck hovering around wilbur while wilbur is inadvertently setting off his own trauma and feeling responsible for any way he might fuck up and hating that but not wanting to leave. tommy’s memory isn’t perfect and he isn’t a perfect narrator, what he remembers from pogtopia the most were the scariest parts and that’s understandable but it means he’s holding wilbur to the worst expectations of behaviour (and he does so very vocally). the others showed up later, sure, but in tommy’s eyes he’s the only one who saw wilbur’s descent, and by the time they showed up wilbur had already changed irreversably. tommy tries to rationalise this by splitting the ‘different wilburs’ apart from each other in his head (he does this in canon too - there’s one quote from like late 2020 where he says he and tubbo need to keep on going for who wilbur used to be, not who he became, even though they’re,, the same person), and no one challenges that perspective, so he just keeps doing it even though it’s not healthy for him or wilbur.

and then limbo happened and, oh geez, THAT didn’t help jhfaskjjfsa

tommy is on a bit of a knife edge with niki in this fic. niki’s in this state of “ok, he’s annoying whatever, i’m moving on”, but all tommy knows is that she tried to kill him that one time, disappeared off the face of the map, joined a book club with two people who definitely do not like him, and now is just acting weirdly mellow and polite. she is not someone he wants near wilbur bc what the fuck is she gonna do? what is he gonna do? who knows. he’s frustrated that niki doesn’t seem to acknowledge how he’s feeling (especially bc once upon a time she would have been someone he trusted to acknowledge them - they were friends, they fought together) and he’s taking a big step by telling someone about his concerns here, especially bc tommy doesn’t really like talking about them at all. he wouldn’t be saying absolutely anything to niki if he didn’t truly believe she should stay away from wilbur, even if he’s wrong about him. (sometimes i think i write tommy as a little too emotionally mature here but it all goes out the window when wilbur’s brought up. idk if that balances it out)

ok onto niki: this is the first she has actually heard of limbo! she’s only just come around to the fact that resurrection is possible at all. death is kind of a touchy subject for niki both in general and re: wilbur in the fic - she’s coming off of a period in her life where suicidal ideation was, uh, a big thing (whether you want to read that into canon or not is subjective, that’s just the angle i went with in this fic). the sudden existence of a life after death, miserable as it is - and whether she really believes in such a place, when it only exists in tommy and wilbur’s words - that is a lot of information for her to absorb all at once. death is a weird connection point for tommy and niki here, coming right off of the fact that they’ve just acknowledged each other having those problems - tommy, out of, yknow, altruism, would very much like to keep niki out of that place, and niki is quietly reckoning with the fact that that is where she would have sent him. the concept of limbo from the perspective of a character with no experience of it, even secondhand, is so interesting to me like what kind of eldritch location would you feel like you’re living in asghjkl

(also - i gotta be honest the jealousy angle here but mostly when she’s talking later about dream not deserving wilbur’s companionship kinda came out after this post came across my dash while writing. whoops /j)

-

fun fact, this is the very first snippet of bitter that i ever wrote! all the way back in may!! this is like the moment of the fic - it's where the miscommunication that niki and wilbur have been having is shattered entirely - and so sticking the landing was uhhh kinda important to me lol.

wilbur's entire being in this fic is basically consumed by L'Manberg - he equates his self worth to it entirely. in his eyes, everyone (rightfully) hates him because of what he did to L'Manberg, because L'Manberg was corrupted and he himself with it, etc. niki tries to tell herself this, and while it definitely does form part of her issues with him, it was the betrayal that causes her this much pain - that he seemingly brushed her and their friendship off entirely when he supposedly left her for dead in manberg. because here is what we as the audience know: wilbur couldn’t leave niki in trouble when he heard her life was in danger, even when he was trying to find the button (pretty much the only thing he sees himself as having left at this point) and so he returned. here is what it looks like from niki’s perspective: wilbur told her to wait in manberg until it was safe to come to pogtopia, laid the place with TNT, went to blow up the place, and only returned when he couldn’t find the detonator (and then the first thing she saw him do in pogtopia was encourage the pit behaviour but that’s not what we’re talking about asdfgh). that is massive miscommunication and it’s been brewing between them for months - to make a quirky little reference to the title, niki has been carrying that anger with her so long it's gone bitter. it was never just about l’manberg with niki - not that anger, not her and wilbur’s friendship (hence the little flashback earlier in the fic, bc niki’s relationship to anarchism and statehood or statelessness juxtaposed with her friendships with wilbur and eret - she loves l’manberg bc she loves wilbur, but she loves eret too and those national ties don’t undermine that - is Real Interesting to me) - so when wilbur asks what else there could possibly be (because in his mind, what else could she have bothered staying around for?), she just fucking breaks.

“Niki freezes. Stock still, unable to move, unable to breathe, ice threading its way through her gut...with slow-dawning horror, she can feel hot tears welling up behind her eyes” - prose discussion time! heat and cold are two big throughlines in this fic - particularly for niki, cold is what she is. admittedly when i started with it i mostly wanted to subvert hot = angry and cold = dead but i kinda ended up enjoying this take on it for what it is instead of just as a subversion (also i like the idea of revived people running hot, their bodies r working hard to keep em going). she’s holding onto her feelings and refusing to deal with them, she’s frozen over. descriptions of cold are key to niki’s mental state throughout the fic - cold weight on her chest, feelings of frostbite when she and wilbur hug the first time, ice cold water during the dinner scene, waking up in the cold flat, etc. this was an attempt at describing a more visceral feeling of like, when you’re really mad and you can just feel the adrenaline running through your veins. always felt more cold than hot to me. when she starts to cry, the facade she’s been putting on is finally thawing out and cracking the ice she’s buried her feelings under. (also gives an excuse to write warm comforting hugs towards the end /hj). it’s a loss, it’s catharsis, it’s a whole mess.

and ofc this is all news to wilbur and he feels terrible, because as unintentional as it was, he really really hurt her - because the destruction of l’manberg fucking sucked but above all else wilbur hurt the people he loved because they loved him so much and not in spite of it, because they cared about him so deeply and his death was a massive blow to them. this hasn’t even dawned on him, because how could it? he respects deeply niki (lowkey respects her opinion more than his own at this point) so he has to listen, because it’s niki (“and he looks at Niki the same way he does whenever her voice is being drowned out in a crowd - the way he does when he wants to hear her, when he wants to know what she has to say” - because he does), and what she says fucking floors him. in his eyes, he failed her by putting her in danger and then by destroying her home - the idea that she valued him and their friendship so much flies entirely over his head until this moment, and he is forced to re-evaluate the mindset that has motivated him since… basically since pogtopia! the way i write wilbur is like… yes, he’s one of niki’s closest friends and he’s more aware of her insecurities and issues than most (which is why he does always take the time to listen to her, etc) but he does over-idealise her a bit. tbf, i think he does to some extent with everyone (calling tubbo strong on the anniversary stream, for example). also the fact that he really wasn’t around for niki’s lowest moments as a character! he still thinks of her the way she was in l’manberg - confident, steadfast, respected - and this moment shatters that for him as he realises exactly what effect he and his death had on her and everyone else, not just by his actions, but because they loved him and cared for him so deeply.

sorry that this got horrifically long!! and thank you so much for sending snippets in <3333

[fasterthanmydemons]

As someone with ADHD I relate so much to your Pietro, I really appreciate you giving him ADHD (I don't know if it's canon or not lol, but anyway) it's nice to see a superhero who has my struggles, feeling dumb because I cannot focus or feeling like an attention seeker because I cannot stop and calm down. This being said, getting diagnosed helps A LOT. In an AU where Pietro lives, does he ever get his ADHD diagnosed? Great blog, stay safe from Covid-19!!

{out of breath} I don’t know if it’s canon or not in the comics, but I don’t think it was ever mentioned in the MCU. Pietro didn’t have much air time or information in the MCU to begin with, really. I’m not sure why I gave Pietro ADHD, other than that it fit with some of his habits, behaviors, and points of view on things, like for example like you said, feeling dumb for not being able to focus. The more I developed some of his other health issues, both physical and mental, and considered the affect his powers would have on his energy level and attention span, the more ADHD seemed to fit him.

I always try to treat Pietro as a person, not a single illness, by which I mean that I don’t isolate ADHD from his other conditions, traumas, etc., they’re all interconnected. Some developed because of others, some exacerbate others, his ADHD doesn’t exist in a bubble by itself. There’s a whole complex person to consider. Also, Pietro is not his mental and physical conditions. That’s not who he is or what should define him, but sometimes he is afraid that it will. I think that’s a big part of why he tries to pretend like he doesn’t have any of the conditions he has, because he’s afraid people will treat him differently because of it.

So... I haven’t ever written him getting diagnosed. It just hasn’t come up. But I would love to if anyone is interested. Part of the reason why he hasn’t gotten diagnosed is that Pietro is very nervous around doctors. He doesn’t trust them and expects them to hurt him and make whatever ailments he has worse. This is because the scientists working for Hydra were rather cruel to him and Wanda during the experiments. I think if it was easier to convince Pietro to go see doctors about not only his ADHD but other things as well, he would get some diagnoses that might help narrow down some treatment options.

I am glad you are enjoying my blog! Thank you, and you stay safe too! =)

[blackwoolncrown]

i just saw someone reblog your post that was kind of outlining something you wanted to write about the reflection of what porn means about society and i would love to read that. you're absolutely correct that most analysis of porn and society come from swerfs and terfs and they're absolutely terrible if you look beyond surface-level anything. oh but also please never make me read the phrase "regular degular people fornicating" ever again lol

So…thank you for waiting. The first thing I’d like to say is…*clears throat*

TERFS/SWERFS absolutely suck and their awful rhetoric and invasive presence obstructs discussion of women’s right. TERFS are the footwomen of the patriarchy and absolutely brainwashed, useless voices. 

Now that that has been said…

Regular degular poeple fornicaiting. :D

Okay enough silliness, here’s my point. Usually critique of porn comes in two main flavors: “Porn is terrible and inherently sexist, a perverse product of patriarchy” and “All porn is good, actually and critiquing it is prudish and un-progressive”. And I would like to, as usual, submit that the actual truth is somewhere in the middle:

Porn is entirely neutral, and what porn looks like in a society has everything to do with the content of the people’s minds. The content of their minds is heavily influenced by that society’s social mores, habits, etc.

TL;DR - porn is a product of culture. if the porn is bad, that’s the culture’s fault.

The idea that porn is bad and wrong, all of it, is nothing but an extension of the sexual shame colonizers have been peddling along with their sham Christian moralism and oppression for centuries. Our culture fancies itself very open, free and liberated- hence porn and violence can be found in spades bc ~FREEDOM OF EXPRESSION~ but literally everywhere you look, people have complexes about sexuality that are deeply rooted in sexual shame. I want to note here that repression almost ALWAYS causes not an overall lessening of the repressed subject, but a diverted (perverted here is a relative word) and intensified expression of that subject elsewhere.

As a sex worker, when I came into the fetish world, I had the assumption that fetishes in general were like, a conscious type of self exploration done in the spirit of play. What I found was that ‘fetish’ is sometimes that but generally an unconscious mess of psychological expression that people think they don’t need to be critical of because it’s fantasy. To keep this short, most of the fetishes that could have a cathartic or expansive effect on a person’ are actually just sort of like, dead-ended expressions of the world we live in instead of being creative ways beyond it.

Ultimately these ‘fetishes’ and ‘fantasies’ are really anything but. They aren’t fanciful non realities at all- they’re actually sexualized versions of the oppressions we all know and suffer. And that’s horrible. 

The issue with porn, then, is that it reflects the minds and desires of the average person involved with its making and consumption. And in a world where (mostly but not all straight, mostly but not all ((but really really mostly here)) white) men disproportionately have voice, power and resources, then they are who porn is about and for.

‘Porn’ is terrible becuause a society with this kind of power imbalance is terrible.

THere’s an aspect of the mind/body where like…anything you like or are attracted to, there’s a part of you that can eroticize that feeling of attraction into something that may be experienced as more and more sexual the more it’s repressed/ignored. If you think of love as attraction, and attraction as neutral, then you can understand how, then, the very things our patriarchal society loves, celebrates and represents can end up eroticized into sexual fantasy and content. If power is good, then expressions of power feel good, somewhere in the mind/body. If violence is good, then expressions of violence feel good. If maintaining male dominance is good, then expressions of male dominance feel good. The simple fact is that if an individual is taught that expressing some quality *is good*, that thing is remembered as so because of the positive reinforcement. 

Somewhere in their mind, the conditions of that moral quality are associated with feelings of pleasure, positive stimulation, excitement, arousal (think neutrally here as ‘increased excitatory interest’), and feelings are felt by the body. In a certain way, then, the production/creation of porn based on patriarchal male desire and its offspring (fetishization of feminine subjugation, fetishization of racism, fetishization of gender roles, fetishization of sexual shame as a domination tool, fetishization of abuse etc), creates a feedback spiral that ends up ritualizing and reinforcing those things.So we lose a huge opportunity for healing and growth as a society when either of the following positions are taken:1) Porn is bad (sinful, dirty) and shouldn’t exist– this will only further repression and reinforce sexual shame.

2) Porn is good and also 100% fantasy/meaningless fun. Critiquing or questioning it is oppressive, prudish– this is what people with unresolved mental issues say to keep from having to examine what their porn consumption/fantasies are saying

The fact that pretty much all porn that exists  in main (and many side) streams is fetishization of exploitation, celebration of male dominance,  the degradation of the feminine or eroticized personal trauma is really really telling. But we can’t do anything about that in terms of helping people grow into a healthier way of experiencing/expressing sexuality if we go ‘Porn is bad so let’s get rid of it! Shame shame! Criminalize!’ 

Speaking for experience, people, specifically men, can actually be trained away from harmful porn and harmful positive associations (being turned on by violence is not, actually, ideal) and to something more relative. Of course they can- recovery is human, people change and relearn things. The complication here though is that the porn industry and the broad presence of mainstream and even indie porn exist within a capitalist market. Capitalist markets are by their very nature a) exploitative and b) manipulative, focused on controlling and exacerbating the consumers needs and desires. So the porn itself, its content and marketing, will overtly to explicitly imply to its viewers/buyers that they need it, that it is good the more you consume, that its extremity and ‘extra’ness is what makes it good, and that it is an addictive indulgence.

I have a lot more I could say about this but it would have to go all into fetish, content and psychology so I also want to say this: Understand that this is not a situation in which men actually benefit. In fact it gets them to perpetuate their own trauma, their own internal oppression. Encouraging them to mistreat their bodies, to have a dysfunctional view of sexuality, to degrade the feminine (something ALL people have) via the degradation of women– this by extension harms their minds deeply. Porn as it is is simply a recycling and eroticization, and extension of society at large. Thus it of course simultaneously revels in the exploitation of the feminine and turns men into tools of sexist, racist, homophobic, transphobic oppression, coding into them the positive reinforcement of social mores so that they support and perpetuate them.

Lastly: The idea that what one fetishizes/consumes doesn’t say anything about them is FALSE and its often a subconscious expression of the mind aimed at resolution. Whether its fanfic, art or videos it’s all porn and yes, ones fantasy mind is actually a manifestation of their mind in general. The world of fantasy is meaningful, actually.

[adamatomic]

Design of Doom Eternal

Wanted to jot down some thoughts while they were still fresh, and I hate writing threads on Twitter, so, here we are.

(Surprise! Male game designer has DOOM OPINIONS. BEHOLD LOL)

First, disclaimers: what follows is super subjective, pretty picky, and likely unjustified. I love a good mobility shooter - Doom 2016 and Titanfall 2 are the only western shooters I really enjoy, and each do super interesting things spatially, mechanically, etc. However, I’ve never worked on any kind of FPS type of game, and never worked on a AAA game, nor shipped a game during a global pandemic, and there’s a lot that I don’t understand about what goes into making this kind of thing, much less how it’s even possible. Making a followup to a well-loved and hugely successful game is also a terrifying prospect. Finally, I am about to "dwell” on what I perceive to be “negative” things about the game, which is pretty unfair, because there’s a LOT of positives (it’s fun, it’s gorgeous, the load times are crazy short, the vistas slay again, amazing accessibility options, perfect audio, etc etc). But I think this is a game where a lot of the positives are really in your face, and what again I personally perceive to be the negatives are a little bit harder to put your finger on. And this isn’t a review, and definitely isn’t yucking anyone’s yums. This is me trying to figure out why this one feels a bit different to play. Hopefully the unanimously positive reception of the game by literally everyone everywhere (including myself) balances out whatever acid might be in these queries.

OK!

Jungle Gyms Versus Canyons

Ok, so. Doom Eternal is structured a lot like 2016 in that it’s corridors linking big wave-based arenas, which is a good structure for a game about shooting all the things. Arenas can be flat-ish or tall-ish. Tall-ish arenas seem to roughly come in two flavors: jungle gyms, and canyons. Jungle gym arenas are the ones that I feel like took centerstage in the marketing and gameplay of Doom 2016, as a way of showing off the double-jump / ledge grab / launchpad vertical mobility stuff, and because they make narrative / thematic sense in the human-built oil rig environments that comprise much of Doom 2016′s level architecture. Jungle gyms are distinguished somewhat from canyons by generally having what feel like distinct “floors”, or solid planes creating multiple separated levels of combat. Canyons, even if they have some transverse traversal elements, are more open and chaotic, with less concrete divisions between elevations. I’m belaboring this essential difference because it has a bunch of second-order effects on gameplay - jungle gyms allow you to jump from skirmish to skirmish, you can use your mobility options to “interrupt” combat, while canyons are more continuous. Jungle gyms usually have more obstacles (like the aforementioned distinct floors) which make it slightly harder for long range enemy attacks to land, which reduces the overall ambient damage-soak.

The key thing about all these arenas - flat open spaces, distinct jungle gym environments, and canyon style playgrounds - is that you definitely want all of them in your game, because the strategy and tactics for playing these fights changes a lot based on these constraints. When do you want a roof over your head? When do you not? When do you want your back to a wall? These are valid and important differences for these games specifically, especially when basic resource management strategies in these encounters is pretty similar, and because the enemy behaviors and attacks have so much variety.

So far, though, Doom Eternal feels like it has a WHOLE LOT of canyons, and NOT a whole lot of jungle gyms. It’s possible that this changes later in the game, so take all this with a big grain of salt. But the first 3-4 hours of gameplay are really dominated by canyon-style vertical arenas, which isn’t necessarily ideal in terms of variety (and makes you angst a little harder for the wall-run affordances of other mobility shooters). They also tend to be slightly same-y, outdoor, rocky environments, versus the more oil rig-inspired, recognizably human-scale mining structures of 2016 (I’m sure this changes later in the game too). The oil rig-inspired stuff also lends itself to jungle gyms a lot more naturally, so I feel like these choices of arena shapes and environment types are kind of an interconnected and difficult problem.

None of this would really even qualify as a problem, either - this is nitpicking nitpicks, at this point - except relying on canyons so much exacerbates some of the “fussiness” of the combat changes (those are next). For me, anyways - I’m not sure anyone else is feeling like these are problems haha. And it’s a big game, so I’m not sure how much this stuff changes across the whole campaign yet!

Tactical Ballistics

A Doom thing I adored in 2016 and am continuing to enjoy in Eternal is the way ammo, health, and other arcade-style upgrades are thoughtfully placed around the arenas. It’s a nod to the strongest parts of Vanquish’s level design, and goes all the way back to using coins in Super Mario to lure players out to new places they might not explore otherwise. It’s a huge part of what gives the nu-Doom arenas their “chess-like” feel, and shifts the fights away from Serious Sam-style battles and makes them into four-dimensional puzzles. 2016 doubles down on this tactical approach by leveraging a kind of resource triangle of chainsaw kills, glory kills, and just plain firefights.

A lot of Eternal’s design seems committed to upping the ante on all of these strengths. Lower ammo capacities puts more pressure on the chainsaw kills. There’s a new technique called “flame belch” that turns the resource triangle into a resource square to accommodate armor. Monsters have “weak points” now, shortcuts that change their behavior or get you fast glory kills. It’s a pretty compelling jigsaw puzzle of abilities.

It also places a lot of strain on player attention and cognition, because all this is running on top of straight-up arena-wave firefights (with 7+ enemy types at a time, all with unique behaviors and optimal strats) AND beefy mobility controls (swinging, dashing, double-jumps, ledge grabs, launch pads, etc). It’s kind of a lot. But I don’t think this is necessarily the place for saying “this is DOOM, man, you got to keep it simple, just shoot the monsters, how come there’s even upgrades” or whatever. For so many reasons, but the primary of which is that most of this stuff rules, and throwing it away would suck. So what do you do?

I want to focus on two small, specific things that really stand out to me - I’m not totally sure that they’re actually “bad”, but I think they have a lot of weird secondary and tertiary effects that contribute to some perceptions of “fussiness” in some of the battles.

Weak Points

This is a big enough change that it is repeatedly tutorialized through video on every loading screen, after every game over, and after every new enemy is introduced... so I know it was on the designers’ radar haha. And it's an interesting addition - chess fights in Doom are already about hierarchies, and adding another tiny hierarchy within an existing hierarchy is a NICE bit of tension to add, it gives a kind of scrambly feeling that is good overall. The issue for me arises from an apparent or perceived damage scaling issue around these weak points. For example, the optional sniper rifle upgrade to the heavy cannon and the optional sticky bombs upgrade to the shotgun insta-wreck the arachnotron and revenant enemies’ weak points, while sustained plasma rifle fire doesn’t seem to ever do the job. Which makes sense on paper - this is a nice way of putting pressure on the player’s weapon choices and ammo, which is what it’s all about. Although I guess you could argue that it’s also all about movement, and that this particular combat pressure has a pretty tenuous relationship with mobility in general.

Either way, it means you spend a lot of time squinting at your weapon wheel mid-battle to see how many shots your shotgun still has, because you ran out of chainsaw fuel a while ago, and are still being actively bombarded at a pretty long distance (because its a canyon and not a jungle gym). I know, I need to git gud, trust me, i KNOW. But check out the weapon wheel ammo display size in Doom 2016 versus Doom Eternal:

I love the new color scheme and ammo icons in Eternal! But it’s 3-4x harder to read the actual, very important ammo counts.

All these small changes add up to something that feels like a pretty different gameplay experience compared to the more spatial (read: movement-based) and literally easier-to-read resource management stuff from 2016. Which, it’s a sequel - failing to sufficiently differentiate it is its own huge risk. And, to be fair, 2016 had its fair share of fussy (though more legible) weapon switching. But when you add this stuff up, the matrix of considerations in moment-to-moment combat in Eternal is pretty different from 2016, and I think it largely comes down to the damage scaling around the weak points. While you can technically choose to play through battles without leveraging weakpoints (thus sidestepping most of these cascading issues), this approach is heavily incentivized by the major behavior changes that happen after you hit weak points (in addition to the constant tutorializing) and the waves appear to have been balanced around taking advantage of these things. Whether or not these are even flaws, technically, whatever they are is exacerbated by the UI design of the weapon wheel AND the relatively popularity of the relatively unobscured canyon arenas. So it’s hard for me to judge weak point damage scaling in a vacuum.

Overall, these new combat options make the arenas feel more constrained and more prescribed. Design is a nightmare this way: sometimes by giving people more choices, you’re actually giving them less. My pitch for a small tweak that might engage with some of these issues would be to keep weak points, but get rid of the damage scaling and maybe make the hitboxes a little bigger. The goal here is NOT to make weak point enemies easier so much as to open up options about what weapons you can use against them, thereby reducing wheel squinting, thereby freeing up more attention to movement and all the other stuff that ruuuules about nu-Doom in general.

Also, I should clarify that it’s entirely possible that I completely imagined the weak point damage scaling, and am a big dummy with bad aim.

Flame Belch

This is a pretty small thing, there’s this new “flame belch” move, intended to complement the existing chainsaw and glory kill moves as a way of “farming” resources from combat, one of the things that really defined Doom 2016. It differs in one huge way though, in that it has to be committed to BEFORE killing a monster. Chainsaws and glory kills ARE kills. Flame belch adds a status instead, which is “cashed in” later when you do the kill. If chainsaw kills and glory kills and BFG shots are Super Mario jumps, Flame Belch is more like a Tony Hawk jump - it starts early and is carefully calculated. Which is pretty dope!! But in this environment where weak point damage scaling and canyon layouts are already putting huge strains on the player’s attention, it feels like a big ask. The “triangle button” mechanic from 2016, the BFG, was a kill move with cool-down, so really I’m just suggesting stuff they already tried anyways. There’s no way this is news to anybody, much less the developers haha.

But... I would love to play a build where flame belch was totally a thing, just it was a finishing move, not a status thing. Let it plug into that reload-replacing resource-farming punctuation pacing flow. That shit rules.

Of course, I have to wonder what the unintended secondary and tertiary consequences of these suggestions would be. Good action games are often tenuous and deeply interconnected things where results are really hard to predict. Maybe they already tried these ideas and they sucked, or they know their own game a lot better than I do, and have a big stack of reasons this stuff would suck for most of their player base.

But wait...

Where The Hell Am I?

Last section, I promise.

I am extremely not going to weigh in on whether or not Doom games need “Story” or not, or what that even means.

But...

If you are driving a monster truck, it is probably pretty fun to see a big line of cars in front of you, and know that you are about to drive all over those cars, and that at the end is a really big fancy car... and you are going to drive over that too.

The general conceit of Doom 2016, that you are on one end of a Mars base, and you need to get to the other end, and in between is a whole lot of cars demons, is a good one. It has good monster truck-ness.

So far this is something that I’m struggling to extract from Eternal. I’m not really sure who any of these grumpy folks are, or where it is that they are, or why I am going down this corridor (aside from the very Doom-like fact that it is the only corridor around).

The problem for me is decidedly NOT that I don’t understand the slayer’s emotional whatever, or that I haven’t been painstakingly expositioned into the specific hierarchies of the demon universe, or anything that I think would normally be described as a “narrative”. For me, it’s that I don’t get to sort of soak in the anticipation of the loooong line of cars I’m about to crunch.

Does Doom need a story? Idk. Doom might need a lot of about-to-get-crushed cars though.

Finally finally finally, and this is highly subjective, but I think the slayer is just more fun when he’s an X factor or a rogue agent. NPCs recognizing the slayer feels sort of weird to me? The feeling that he is a fly in the ointment I think is stronger and sexier when he’s like... outside the canon, almost. I’m not totally convinced that having him Kratos around is as fun as having a bunch of demons and priests both confused and terrified of what this dude is doing.

OK

I need to get back to family stuff. They let me sit here and type this out, which was very kind of them. Only five tantrums so far. Either way, I’m looking very forward to playing more Doom Eternal...

...just as soon as I finish designing 17 more shirts in ACNH.

Hope everyone’s staying home and staying safe! Rip and tear, friends. Rip and tear <3

[pr-ay-the-gay-away]

does it ever bother you how a lot of straight people hate us? so many people despise us. they hate the fact that we even exist. and they're really cruel about it too. it just stresses me out that so many people in the world hate us so much when we haven't done anything wrong. how do you deal with knowing that? are u ok with it?

“does it ever bother you how a lot of straight people hate us?”

Their hate doesn’t bother me. Their actions and the circumstances that have brought them to this point do.

“so many people despise us. and they’re really cruel about it too. it just stresses me out that so many people in the world hate us so much when we haven’t done anything wrong.”

Is this about anything in particular? You’re being quite vague. Is this about Poland?

“how do you deal with knowing that?”

How do I come to terms with knowing there’s so much hatred and intolerance in the world/society? This is real deep lols.

Well firstly I go to therapy to address my existential angst. I also sometimes fall into deep philosophical discussions with some of the people close to me.

I practice self-care. I try to ground myself in my immediate reality and first and foremost, make sure I’m functioning. Am I drinking enough water? Am I exercising? Am I eating properly? You’d be amazed not only how much time looking after yourself can take, but also how much of an impact it can have on your mood and mental wellbeing. I surround myself with like-minded people.

And just generally I go through life seeking greater understanding of the world around me. As I go through this journey of growing myself and my awareness, I’ve found that what constitutes as “like-minded people” has grown along with my perspective. I no longer only surround myself with people who agree with everything I already think or believe; I now also have people around me who whilst they may fundamentally be aligned with my values, they will also bring different perspectives and experiences and world views, to challenge and expand my own.

I try to continue on being more tolerant and accepting of others. I try to work on improving my communication with others; learning to communicate more respectfully and learning to ask others to do the same in return. I try to expand my perspective and challenge myself to keep an open-mind so that I can learn to empathise with a wider range of people.

As an example, recently fascist right-wing neo-nazis attacked a Pride parade (the first of its kind) in a city in Poland. The government and local authorities have looked on that incident with a certain air of indifference and almost willing complicity. Pretty gross, right? But that’s not the fault of any one individual. This isn’t just a collection of randomly hateful individual people. This is an entire system of hatred. What goes into that system? What influences - historical, cultural, geographical, economical, socio-political - what different influences go into creating and perpetuating that system of hate? You don’t know the answer do you? Well you can always start reading. This is why academia exists. This is why researchers exist, not just in the physical sciences but in the social sciences too - we research because we’re seeking to understand ourselves and our existence.

And you know what, you could apply the same questioning to yourself. What goes into your own perspective and world view? Why do I do a double-take when I see a WLW couple whom in my mind, don’t look like they’d be WLW. What’s that about? 🤔

“are u ok with it?”

I’m just about never ok with any kind of perceived injustices. There are injustices that I may be ignorant or unaware of today, but that doesn’t mean I’m ok with them. You don’t know what you don’t know after all.

I don’t think trying to get to a place of being “ok” with injustice is very helpful or productive, I don’t mean just for yourself but also for society. I think you should definitely try to get to a place of being “ok-ish” yourself, that is, getting to a healthy place where you’re able to function within society. How you get there is a very individual endeavour. Maybe it involves moving to a different society. If you’re finding yourself mentally overwhelmed by world events - the internet has really exacerbated this issue - you might need to digitally disconnect. Maybe start seeing a therapist, and start spending some more time with real people in real life. Connect with friends and family, etc.

Being in a perpetual state of despair because the world has always been in and continues to be in conflict, is draining and not fun. In fact it could be depression. If you find yourself incapacitated by these thoughts and feelings, I would definitely recommend seeing a therapist.

[eldritchsurveys]

153.

[[ Random Survey Questions // By x-hallie-x]]

1. Have you ever been in an unconventional relationship (long distance, polyamorous, same gender, age gap, etc)? if so, what challenges did this relationship present, and were they worth overcoming? >> I’ve been in all of the examples presented. The challenges remain the same across the board -- communication errors and competing access needs.

2. Would you ever consider something like a poly relationship, assuming everyone involved was alright with it? What are some things you think you would or wouldn’t like about it? >> My relationship is already non-monogamous, although neither of us is actively seeing anyone else in meatspace currently. (”Polyapathetic” is the word I use for it sometimes, lol.) There isn’t anything I don’t like about it.

3. What is the most unhealthy relationship (whether friendship or romantic) you’ve ever had? What made it so unhealthy? Do you still talk to each other? >> Probably the one with the creator of this survey, incidentally. I used to not say anything for the sake of “not causing drama”, but I see where I did myself a disservice in the attempt of doing him a service, one that I don’t necessarily owe him after what he put me through. People can make their own decisions about whether to be friends or lovers with him, after all, and it’s not like I’m running around telling people not to be friends or lovers with him. By all means, if y’all get along, I’m actually glad. He’s sorely in need of healthy interaction, he just definitely can’t get it from me.  It was unhealthy because for me he was excessively clingy, demanding, and emotionally manipulative, whereas my attachment style is distant and avoidant, and neither of those styles work well together except, I’d imagine, in unique cases (probably aided by therapy, tbh). He made great demands upon my time and energy and made me feel like I wasn’t allowed to reclaim that time and energy. And so on and so forth. 4. Have you ever been abusive in any way? Were you able to change or make amends, or, in general, what do you think people should do to make amends in that situation? >> I don’t think I’ve been abusive. I know I’ve been accused of being such, and I wouldn’t argue with it because that... doesn’t solve the problem. But from my point of view, having repeatedly educated myself on what abusive behaviour looks like, I can’t see myself fitting into that model. I’ve been unhelpful, reactive, aloof/distant, and callous -- but not abusive. I think the best way to make amends for abusive behaviour is to change one’s behaviour. And change it consistently. And, most importantly, realise that the person you hurt is under no obligation to forgive you or let you back into their lives. If they do, great -- do not squander their forgiveness. If they don’t, that’s their right. You still owe it to yourself, and the people who are in your life, to be better.

5. Have you ever forgiven someone for being abusive or allowed someone toxic back into your life? Did this person change for the better or not? >> Yeah. No.

6. Do you feel like your age matches your emotional development? If not, what age level or maturity level do you feel best represents where you’re at? >> I don’t know, because I’m not sure how that’s measured. I just am where I am, and am doing my damn best. 7. Do you feel like you’re lagging behind your peers in terms of development or do you feel that you’re more ahead of the bunch? >> I think I’m supposed to see myself as “lagging behind”, but that’s all bullshit. I just am where I am, like I said. 8. What is one thing about your personality that embarrasses you, but you can’t seem to change it no matter how hard you try? Have other people called you out on this embarrassing thing? >> I don’t know, really. It embarrasses me to want attention and reassurance and solace, but I don’t think that’s like, a personality trait that needs changing. I’m just embarrassed about it because I was taught to be. 9. When was the last time you did something “meant” for children? Do you think it’s okay for adults to do these things (ie. watch cartoons, have stuffed animals, dress in cute clothing, etc), or do you think there’s an age beyond which it becomes unacceptable - and if so, why? >> Man, I do and enjoy a lot of things that people who’ve bought into the bullshit would say is “for children”. If you seriously believe it’s unacceptable for an adult to do something as fucking benign as watch cartoons or sleep with a teddy bear, then your opinion ain’t worth squat to me anyway. 10. What was the last thing to “trigger” you (as in, in a true mental health sense, I’m being serious here) and how did you cope with it? What kinds of things do you tend to find triggering? What do you do either avoid or face your triggers? >> I don’t remember. I don’t often acknowledge my triggers when they actually occur, which is a separate issue. 11. If you’re diagnosed with anything, do you feel that it accurately represents what you’re experiencing? >> I don’t know what my diagnosis is. I’ve been diagnosed as a number of things over the years, either because of incompetent mental health professionals or a lack of transparency on my part (but most often an awful combination of both). I think any “disorder” I have would have to be a developmental or neurological one, because a lot of who I am has been like this for as long as I can remember (and has only been exacerbated by events that happened later). 12. What is a complaint you have about the mental health industry or about the type of treatment you’ve received from a mental health service? Have you ever had any particularly bad therapy experiences? >> One complaint is that a lot of mental health professionals don’t... like, do the work. They’ll just see someone once or twice and go “oh you clearly have [x]” just based upon some cursory questioning and observation. That’s not logical or ethical to me. I’ve had so many negative experiences in MH that at this point I now have trauma related to that -- which makes it a fucking riot to try to go to therapy! “Hi, first you’ll have to work through my trauma related to therapists before we can get down to the actual therapy.” Ha! 13. When was the last time you realized you might be the source of a problem and NOT someone else? >> Actually, I usually take that possibility under advisement (it’s an awkward but sometimes useful side effect of having been treated as a scapegoat). Unfortunately, sometimes I’m not the problem, and I have a hard time really convincing myself that no, I didn’t necessarily do anything to deserve the treatment I got. 

14. In an average week, how often do you leave the house? Generally, how many miles would you say you travel in that time? >> Usually on the weekends because we go grocery shopping and down to Wayland to do laundry. During the week, maybe once or twice, on a good week. There’s really just nowhere to go. 15. Have you ever made a mistake or did something you were too embarrassed or ashamed to tell anyone else? Did you eventually tell anyone? Did their reaction help you feel better or worse about your secrets? >> Probably, but I don’t remember any specific examples. 16. Do you think you’re easy to open up to or do people confide in you often? >> No, I’m apparently not easy to open up to because people generally don’t. I guess. I don’t know how any of this shit works. 17. When was the last time you felt accomplished? When was the last time you felt like you failed at something? >> I don’t remember the last time I felt accomplished. I mean, I remember the last time I did something that I needed to do, but I didn’t feel better once it was over. I guess that’s part of why it’s so difficult for me to do things I need to do but don’t want to -- I don’t get the reward feedback from my own brain afterwards. >:| 18. When was the last time you worked really hard on something only to have it get ruined in some way? Did you start over and try again, or did you give up entirely? >> I don’t remember. I haven’t put that much effort into anything lately. 19. What are some minor physical discomforts that really bug you (eyelash in your eye, a wedgie, rumpled socks, etc)? >> All of the above, and also dry skin and chapped lips. 20. Are you prone to talking during shows? Does it bother you if other people talk? Is there someone you know with a television-watching style so different to yours that you can’t stand to watch with them? >> I’m not prone to it, necessarily, but if I’m with someone who doesn’t mind it or also does it, then I’ll do it. I can go either way. Except when it’s a show that requires a lot of focus, then I need it to be quiet. And I don’t like watching things with people that just like to make negative commentary like they’re a movie critic or something. 21. Are you ever afraid to admit to liking something because you’re afraid other people will judge you for it? What is the worst that’s ever happened as a result of you liking something different from the crowd? What about the best thing that’s come as a result of a unique interest? >> I mean, being judged for things I like has been happening for so long that I’m mostly just used to it. But sometimes if I’m really excited about something, or in a certain mood, I won’t talk about it because if someone says one negative thing I’m going to fucking explode on them, lmao. Let people fucking like things, god damn. I don’t know what the worst thing is, but this is kind of funny in retrospect (but in the moment it was hella aggravating): when I was in high school I was really obsessed with the band Creed, and as we all know, Creed was Nickelback before Nickelback existed as far as popular opinion goes. So on the school bus, the kids at the back of the bus would sing that song Higher in the most exaggerated voices possible to heckle me. SMH. 22. If someone judges you, are you more inclined to react defensively, offensively, or indifferently? Do you often judge other people in an overt way, or do you keep most of your judgments to yourself? >> I’m either defensive or indifferent depending on what mood I’m already in and who the person is. I actually make an effort not to judge what other people are into or what kind of people they are, because I feel like it’s an improper and rude way for me to spend my time. Also, Golden Rule. 23. What kind of image, if any, do you hope you project to the world? Like, what qualities do you hope other people are able to see in you? Do you ever feel like you’re coming across all wrong? >> I don’t know what kind of image I want to project. I’m not sure I care about that as much as I care about being valuable to individuals that I want to be valuable to. And one person might value one thing about me while another person might value a completely different thing, so I can’t just pick a trait or two and say “these are the valuable traits”. It’s all relative. And yeah, I feel like my intentions and my actions don’t match up a whole lot, mostly because of the 5966589 layers of trauma-based behaviour I’m operating through. But, you know. It be like that. 24. When was the last time you felt like someone was completely misunderstanding your feelings or intentions? Were you eventually able to explain and clarify? How do you react when you feel seriously misunderstood? >> Constantly, lmao. I don’t remember the last specific example, though. Sometimes I get an opportunity to explain and clarify, but honestly, a lot of the times I don’t even bother because I assume the person either doesn’t care or won’t understand. I usually shut down or withdraw when I feel intensely misunderstood. 25. Have you ever remained good friends with an ex? >> I tried it, it didn’t work. Only with Anubis, who I only dated for like a month and a half anyway. 26. What was the last reason you decided you didn’t want to do something? >> Probably poor executive function, as usual. Or low confidence. 27. What is something about you that makes you feel very different from other people (and I don’t mean like a food preference like pineapple on pizza, i mean core level different, where you can’t find this quality in many others)? >> You know, I’m not sure. Because I do feel intensely alienated and not at all like other people sometimes, but all my traits and experiences taken individually are traits and experiences I’ve seen elsewhere. I know other people who have shared consciousnesses, and even people who interact with their inworlders similarly to how I interact with mine. I know that my terribly broken attachment style and inability to connect is not uncommon, especially among other people who were also emotionally neglected as children. And I know that the feeling of alienation, of feeling Very Different from others, is equally common -- many of us feel that way, and we all have well-worked-out justifications for that feeling. But, really? I really believe that’s just part of being alive and sapient. And it’s a foundation for art -- trying to find a means to connect with someone, anyone, when we don’t feel like it’s ever going to be possible. 28. Do you have a negative view of mentally ill people, or are you mentally ill yourself? Do you ever call others crazy, insane, etc? Do you ever call yourself those things? >> I don’t have a negative view of mentally-ill people, although I unfortunately am often driven to have a negative view of myself for being mentally-ill. Stupid brains. I do call myself crazy and insane but “mad” is actually my preferred adjective. I try not to use those terms for others unless they’re explicitly okay with it and I’m fucking around with them or something (which is still an iffy thing, but you know). 29. What is one way you often put yourself down? What is one compliment you often give yourself? Do you think you compliment or insult yourself more? >> I put myself down about being an intensely lonely and vulnerable person, because that makes total sense, right? SMH. I also put myself down for being sensitive to noise and light and all that other stuff that I really can’t control even though I wish I could. And for other random shit that I can’t remember just now. I don’t usually compliment myself a lot, but Can Calah does that work for me, which is one reason why I’m intensely grateful for him -- someone’s gotta do it in order to teach me how to do it to myself, and he seems more than up for the task. It’s a pretty common thing inworld -- I berate myself for something, and he counters with impeccable logic and compassion. Never fails. 30. Does it bother you to have people comment on what you’re eating, or do you not care? What are some comments that would bother you, if any? Do you ever comment on what other people are eating or make assumptions about their intakes? >> People don’t usually comment on what I’m eating. I’m not even sure what someone could say that would bother me -- maybe making fun of me for not cooking full meals all the time, or something, in which case fuck right off. I don’t comment on what other people eat, that’s none of my business and I actually don’t even fucking care. Eat whatever you like, it’s your life and your body and your business.

[polyesthher]

7/8/17: buy paramore’s after laughter

lol this is mostly me being emo tbh but support paramore ok

i’ve been itching to buy several things lately and idk if i really want them or it’s my depressive state that wants to feed the void with material possessions. i wanted to get a record player bc im definitely buying paramore’s after laughter on vinyl bc aesthetic and the actual record means a lot to me. since i listened to after laughter, i’ve become hooked on paramore tbh and all i want to do is lay around with hayley’s vocals singing into my ears and maybe cry a little. i only started getting into them during their self-titled phase so i’m not remotely attached to the “old” punk version of them. Fake happy is what really sold me on this album btw. It’s everything i want to say to people i’m no longer really close with. It does make me think about how i never want to see certain friend groups again because i’m just embarrassed about my whole existence and feel ok wit it. the line in fake happy that goes “please don’t ask me how I’ve been, don’t make me play pretend” is something that really gets to me. I have nothing in my life right now, other than family and one or two friends, that i genuinely care about and i feel like im at a dead end tbh. having to tell acquaintances/ old friends abt my sad ass life makes me want to scream and i feel like i hate myself even harder. and i always find myself telling half-truths, pretending like im not a failure. Hard times is another relevant jam that’s on repeat. It was the first song i heard off the album and made me check out the whole ep. even if it didn’t feel relevant to me, i’d still bop to it. the overall idea of the album to have cheery synth vibes with depressing ass lyrics gives me life. anyway, i’m not gonna ramble on about this anymore since no one’s gonna read this and i already know my own feelings abt this. 

but yeah, i also want the told u so t-shirt and cd bundle so im gonna wait for the vinyls to be released bc that pink marble record is calling out to me. and a tattoo, which i have a general vision of but im scared of the $$$. + i’m thinking abt moving to ny sometime next year too even tho im not going to FIT bc nj has nothing for me and i need to start living on my own, which means i need to save up. there’s also the last class that i need to take so that i can at least have an associate’s degree, which will def be a couple hundred. there’s also some skincare stuff i want like the eradikate spot solution and the boscia black luminizing mask (best in terms of peeling).

other meaningless tidbits in my mind:

ive been hating my art style even more lately but i still feel compelled to draw

bought a couple books to read even tho my commitment issues extends to reading as well

book related: i read motor crush vol 1 and i like it. babs is always great with the art and the writing is more exciting imo compared to the batgirl comics. snotgirl returned with issue 6 and the art is always pretty even if the plot is still a lil murky and unsatisfying. the plot of vol 1 was kinda messy and i disliked how it ended bc i dont even know if the arc was resolved or still continuing.i like bryan lee omalley’s writing so the writing isn’t something im not used to, i just feel like there’s so many mysteries building up and nothing that really resolves. there are some threads that were resolved in issue 6 (such as what happened in the bathroom with caroline) but another thread shows up in that resolution that has me going ??? Anyways i’ll still buy anything leslie hung does the art for so lmao my gripes aren’t dealbreakers

i went back to watch oitnb even with how pissed the ending of season 4 left me and i did not hate season 5...that much

kesha’s new song makes me so happy

watched baby driver today and i luv it. makes me want to watch more edgar wright and listen to the soundtrack 

i bought 5 bags of flamin hot ruffles bc im paranoid that it’ll be discontinued like the buffalo wing ruffles, which is the definition of overkill

i’ve been looking into gym memberships bc i want to start working out and lose weight seriously now. this is hilarious bc my diet is shit rn (see above). but im sick of not fitting into my old clothes and some new cute stuff i bought online (that i thought would fit). also i really want to lose the baby fat on my face bc seeing my potato face in the mirror really kills the confidence i have left

another thing that’s nagging me is the idea that i want to buy some things just bc those things would add into the image of a person i want to appear to be. it sounds weird but i feel like i want this costume of a person who’s cool for having hipster shit like a record player or colorful sunglasses. it doesn’t help that ppl on instagram make me insecure asf and want the things they have.

ive been trying to stop stalking certain ppl on instagram bc its v pathetic and tends to exacerbate my anxiety and spiral into a depressive hole. its not even like celebrities or anything, just ppl i used to know, which is extra creepy and sad.

this was mildly enjoyable and i think i might write more diary entries on here from now on. it’ll probably be under the polyesthher talks tag, if i remember bc im the worst with tags.

bye