#but that doesn’t justify everything either... it just makes sense that things turn out this way

[yandere-daydreams]

Idk if Sex doll!au Alhaitham has been discussed yet…(honestly it probably has been, but it was likely during the times when I wasn’t keeping up to date with this blog. Tumblr’s shitty search function doesn’t help with finding out either.)

Anyway, I’d like to share my thoughts about it, if that’s okay.

-I think sex doll! Alhaitham would mostly be for professional and academic purposes. He’s not reccomended for younger grades, mostly just colleges.

-His general purposes are office/administrative related. Especially since he’s a “scribe”, he’s especially good at file management and documentation. I don’t think it be uncommon to see him assisting librarians alongside a Lisa model…or maybe helping archeologists/museums workers catalogue info about artifacts.

-I think his way of not doing anything more than what his job asks of him would stay even as an Android. I know that as a product, he’d probably wouldn’t be given leeway or time off like that; but the thought of someone trying to assign tasks to Alhaitham that are outside his designated role being ignored by him is funny to me.

-if Alhaitham is acting as a companion doll in someone’s home, I can only imagine that he’s incredibly annoying. Alhaitham normally chooses to ignore social etiquette, and as an android it has to be even worse.

tw - unhealthy relationships, slight infantilization, slight stalking.

i think he'd absolutely be marketed toward researchers as a sort of lab assistant who acts like you're the lab assistant, if that makes sense. he specializes in archival work and bureaucracy, but he's a bit of a jack-of-all-trades and it's not uncommon to see him alongside more outdoorsy androids like cyno and albedo when you're out doing fieldwork. he's also especially loved by students for his,,, strict attitude toward studying. you wouldn't think the ability to say 'i'm not touching your dick until you finish your thesis' would be such a popular feature in a literal sex doll, but, y'know, what does it for you does it for you, i guess.

you're not a student, though, or a researcher - just a librarian for a big enough branch to warrant writing off a helper android as a business expense. you probably could've gotten away with bringing on lisa or nahida, but you were able to find a second-hand alhaitham for a price you couldn't turn up and figured dealing with the occasional comment on your organization skills or catalog maintenance was better than wasting an extra thousand dollars on a robot that'll be reading to children twice a week. he works well enough, too, even if it does take a few days for him to get used to the idea that you won't be using him for his, uh, intended purposes. it just doesn't feel right, considering he's basically one of your employees - something he's surprisingly indifferent about, considering how judgemental he's rumored to be about, well, everything.

you do take him home at night, though, since the alternative is leaving him in a dark building alone all night and trying to live with the guilt. he's a polite enough houseguest, even if does occasionally let out a disapproving huff at your admittedly less-than-steller diet, but he does have a few... bugs, you guess, for lack of something better to call his little lapses in decorum. he's overstepped his boundaries a few times - taking pens and reports out of your hands because you 'have a tendency to mess these things up', checking on you in the middle of the night when he's supposed to be charging - but he'll never indulge your attempts to confront him, just clicking his tongue and shaking his eyes. sometimes, he brings up your stress levels, mentions off-handedly that orgasms are known to reduce overall tension, but denies that he's done anything wrong when you ask him to change his behavior. he's good at that - justifying himself, bending his protocols until he can get away with practically anything. you'd be lying if you said you weren't a little worried, knowing the awful rumors that spread about second-hand andriods, about how demeaning alhaitham can be when he's supposed to be little more than a platonic assistant.

you'd be lying if you said you weren't a little worried that, one day, he'd find a way to justify disregarding your autonomy altogether.

[yesimwriting]

Sick Day

Set in the Final Girl universe, but it is a stand alone fic that can easily be read with no context :)

Summary: Billy and Stu don’t get why they’re so antsy about the latest addition to their friend group being absent from school. Sure, they talk about her more than they talk about anyone else, but not seeing her for one day isn’t enough to justify panic, right? Guess that doesn’t matter, because they find a way to justify checking in anyways.

a/n if you haven’t read final girl and this makes you curious,, the main fic and extras can be found here: Final Girl Series 

fun fact, this is chronologically set at some point after ‘first impressions’ but before the main series, if you haven’t read either that’s fine, it’ll still make sense, i just like building “lore” lol 

also if there are any typos i’m sorry, i’m stuck wearing a wrist brace for a little while, especially while writing

also this was really fun to write so i might do some more mini fics in the final girl universe in between full chapters, it’s more low stakes and is a good way for me to work on adding to their dynamics,, so if you have any ideas/requests for final girl universe specific stuff pls feel free to ask! 

----

It didn’t take Billy long to realize that part of your appeal comes from the fact that you’re not as predictable as everyone else. Maybe it’s because you’re still new, but that’s easy in Woodsboro, where lifelong friendships are practically assigned by the locker you’re given on your first d of middle school.

You’re also a contradiction. Almost everything you’re feeling is visible on your face, but what you’re thinking isn’t as easy to guess. It balances you out, keeping you from being unknown enough to be threatening but still letting you pop enough to keep you from blurring into the background. 

That’s part of the reason he picked up on your routine so quickly. What he knows about you isn’t as concrete as what he has on the people that are a part of his plan, but he knows enough. More than he intended to. He memorized your classes without meaning to and knows the time you get to school and the approximate time you leave. It’s useful, he tells himself, you’re around Sidney and Tatum all the time and him and Stu are still working on fitting you into the plan.

Sure, they’ve decided that you fit as their potential final girl, but it’s rocky. You bring out something panicky in him and some days it’s too much to be around you and know you have the ability to affect him. It’s not the same, not at all, but Billy can’t help the way it reminds him of what his mom’s distance used to make him feel. At risk. And Billy knows Stu, knows that he probably thinks about you twice as much as he brings you up and that there’s such a thing as Stu liking someone too much. 

When there’s uncertainty, it’s easy to fall back on routine, and you stick to a relatively simple one. You get to school riding close to late more often than not, during your study hall you tend to study outside unless Randy doesn’t use it as an excuse to leave early, then you bother him in the library (something Billy doesn’t get), and you take a little longer at your locker at the end of the day. Billy also knows you’re not one to skip. 

You’re never not at school (which may or may not have lead to an increase in the regularity of Stu and Billy’s attendance). You’re too hyper focused on your grades to not show up without a reason. So when Billy passes by your locker right before the home room bell rings and you’re not there it’s weird.

Billy knows you really must not be here when his eyes land on Stu, who’s staring at your locker. Stu walks you to most of your classes and always walks you to homeroom. 

“She’s not here,” Billy summarizes flatly. 

Stu turns his head, a little unsure. “Or she went to class without me.” 

The jab would be subtle to anyone else, but Billy knows what Stu’s getting at. “She’d still be at her locker, she’s always running late in the morning.” Billy focuses on hearing his words, tries to feel them. “We can check her homeroom.” 

A casual enough suggestion. Still not overly concerned. Stu has to walk past your classroom to get to his anyways and Billy takes that route sometimes. With that justification, the two walk down the hall and peak through the door’s long window as un-notably as possible. You’re not in your usual spot, at the desk right behind Casey Becker, who you talk to from time to time (a potential future problem they’re both aware of).

By lunch, it’s confirmed that you never showed up. You’re not in the first period you have with Stu or the third period you have with Sidney and Billy. Tatum brings it up first. Where’s Y/n? Sidney shrugged and mumbled about how you weren’t in second period today. It only took a minute for the girls and Randy to brush over your absence with a simple she must be sick. 

That got under Billy’s skin a little and he couldn’t figure out why. You’re almost weirdly into the whole school thing--everyone here could likely list your top 3 colleges--and stubborn. Even if you’re only absent because you’re sick, you must be pretty knocked out to not be here. But why should he care about you being really sick or your friends being relatively dismissive? 

“Isn’t she a little...Annie Wilkes about school?” Stu’s question comes out casually enough.

Randy looks up, “She’s not that bad.”

Stu blinks, forcing himself to stay in the moment. Randy was quick to defend you even though Stu’s seen him call you worse to your face. Maybe that back and forth is a sad attempt at flirting. “Easy, no one’s saying anything bad about your girlfriend.” 

“She’s not my girlfriend.” 

“Knock it off, Stu, they’re basically related,” Billy forces the words out as casually as he can manage.

Sidney picks up on the joke, mumbling some comment about how they do sort of act like siblings, which gets Tatum off on some tangent about her brother. The conversation doesn’t circle back to the person that’s missing.

In the english class you share with Billy and Stu, the teacher hands back an old essay and gives out a homework packet. The two of them exchange a look. That’s a good enough excuse to stop by your house...if they...wanted to, which they don’t because it’s not like your absence is that relevant.

Billy talks to the teacher after class anyways, saying that he could make sure you get the graded essay and homework. You’re friendly enough that he’s sure he’ll be able to get it to you before you come to class and it’s never a bad idea to have options. Stu doesn’t say anything when Billy gets the papers and neatly places them in a folder. 

----

There’s all this energy and there’s no real outlet for it. Stu doesn’t know what it is, he can’t tell what he wants to do with it or what’d make it feel better. He’s felt versions of it all day, having it drop and morph into an off-brand version of that dark, craving feeling he gets at the thought of feeling a knife plunge into someone and rise back up to an antsy-ness that’d better fit a kid in line for a ride at a theme park.

The energy reaches its peak on the front steps of your porch, but the feeling doesn’t settle on a particular charge. It remains focused on the more positive side of the spectrum, but it’s undercut by some of the urgency of the other urge. 

He had been the first one to bring it up after school, when Billy and him were finally alone. It had started relatively detached, things are still weird when they mention you outside of certain contexts. They’re so used to being open about other things that the fact that they’re both almost shy about something--someone--is twisting. It’s a feeling they’re still learning to take in larger doses. 

They had spent a little too long trying to find an angle to justify a pop in to themselves. It’s one thing to think about you, to talk about you, to like you even. But it’s something else entirely to openly care. To worry about why you’re missing school or if you’re sick. 

Eventually, want won and Billy finally said something that stuck. She can’t be a final girl if she’s dying, and we need her to trust us, to like us. 

This is stupid. A flaring feeling in Billy’s chest has been yelling at him to stop since the idea first formed his mind. It’s a distorted echo of his father’s voice. 

Billy swallows once, forcing himself to finally knock. The only thing more pathetic than what he’s doing is lingering, coming here and then turning back. 

The seconds pass and with each of them, they both feel worse about their decision. And then they hear the lock click and the front door opens and they see you. 

You look more tired than usual and the blanket that’s practically swallowing you whole makes you seem smaller, more vulnerable even though you’re more covered than usual. You squint at the sunlight in a way that makes them think you’ve spent the day in intentionally dimly lit spaces. It takes you a second, but once you finally register them, it’s visible. You’re grinning, practically beaming. 

Billy feels the reaction in his chest. It strains uneasily beneath his ribs, not much unlike what he imagines a heart palpitation could feel like. He briefly thinks he might be able to hold the discomfort against you, but even that thought mostly fades. 

Stu’s flooded with the strange desire to wrap you up in bundles of blankets the way that his mom used to when he was younger. The few times it happened, it was weirdly comforting. He can’t remember the last time she took the time to make sure he was warm until his fever broke, but he knows his dad put a stop to it at an early age. Too needy, too dependent.

“Hi?” It’s partially a question, and your voice hints at raspiness. 

Snapping back into reality, Billy answers, “You weren’t at school.” Your eyebrows draw together and Billy realizes that that wasn’t the easy reaction he thought it’d be. It’s too open and implies concern. 

“Yeah, I kinda have a cold-fever-something. It’s a bug my mom brought home from work. I thought she was being dramatic, but it totally knocked me out.” You lean against your front door. If you sense either of their conflicts, you give no indication of it. “Karma, I guess.” 

Stu lets out a laugh at that. “Karma? You were that mean?” 

Your lips pull into an almost-smile. “The universe seemed to think so.” 

“You think the universe gave you a punishment cold, but your mom’s the dramatic one?” Stu’s biting down a grin, all concerns about showing up melting. 

You glare halfheartedly, “You can’t be not-on-my-side when I’m sick. That’s like...against friend...rules.” Your eyebrows draw together. “That was--that was really lame, forget I said that.” 

The reaction is so warm and you’re doing your best even though you’re clearly still not feeling well and Billy feels an awful swell of what’s likely fondness. “Not sure I want to.” 

Rolling your eyes, you relax even more of your weight against the doorframe. The shift is small, but Billy can’t help but note it. Are you just being casual or are you that tired? “You’re both here to cause problems.” 

“We’re here to be nice.” The look on your face says you might be a little out of it but you haven’t lost IQ points. “We got our essays back and some homework. Billy picked up yours and I drove him to school, and because one day felt way too long to go without seeing you...”

Your laugh is punctuated by a brief cough you burry into your elbow. It’s not like you’re coughing up a lung, but it is a little concerning. “You guys grabbed my stuff?” 

The genuine surprise in your voice sticks out. “Yeah,” Billy slides his backpack off of his shoulders and starts unzipping it, “One of those friend rules.” 

Billy finds his folder as you roll your eyes. “Funny.” 

“It’s what I’m known for,” he keeps his voice flat, and the sarcasm feels a little off, but you smile and that makes it a little easier.

He hands you the papers, his fingertips brushing against yours. “I see why.” 

“I never get that many gold stars.” Stu leans forward, re-reading some of the notes scribbled on next to your grade. “Maybe you should invite me over, tutor me...”

Your nose wrinkles. “Shut up.” By now they’ve learned that that’s the closest you’ll come to retreating.

Stu exaggerates a frown, “What? Bringing you your stuff doesn’t get us invited in?” 

The redirect is a bit of a stretch, but you’re used to the jumps and you’re tired enough to not read much into it. Not as much as Billy does, who’s a little surprised because he and Stu never talked about what they’d do after. He decides that it’s harmless enough. 

Turning your head a little, it almost feels like a part of you forgot there was anything to be invited into. “I don’t want to get you guys sick.” 

It’s such a you response. Always considerate, polite. Billy looks past you and into the house. There’s no noise indicating that anyone’s in there, but that doesn’t necessarily mean you’re alone. Though the one time he came over to work on a project, he briefly met your mother and was given the impression that she likes making her presence alone. There’s also your mother’s boyfriend, who wasn’t around when Billy came over but based on your comments, he’s not sure being alone with him isn’t worse than being alone. 

“Are you okay?” The question comes out of Billy a little unexpectedly. “You don’t look too...” 

You glare. “Thanks.”

“Not like--” Billy cuts himself off with a sigh. Your eyebrows pinch together briefly. “You look too sick to be alone. At least say your mom’s here.” 

Billy takes in the details of your reaction even though he already has a good idea on what you lying looks like. Harmless, white lies often used to seem more okay with things than you actually are. He sees something similar in the way your chin tilts upwards slightly. “I’m fine.” 

That’s all the confirmation Billy needs. You’re definitely alone. The lack of lie and attempt at dismissal is oddly endearing, especially while you’re like this, leaning against the front door and squeezing your blanket a little tighter. Wait--are you colder? It’s warm out today and there’s not even a breeze. 

A half thought embeds itself beneath Billy’s skin. He gives in, extending an arm slowly. You’re just as confused until Billy’s turning his hand so that the back of his palm is facing you. “I’m--Billy, it’s--” 

The cutoff of your words is sudden, your lips still partially parted, some other jumble of words dying in the back of your throat as Billy’s hand meets your forehead. You don’t move away. It’s been a few seconds, definitely long enough for Billy to have deduced whether or not you have a fever. How did his mom use to do this? 

He takes his time dropping his arm back to his side. Billy doesn’t have too many references to what a fever feels like on someone else, but you did feel warm. “You have a fever.” 

You press your lips together briefly in a forced pout. “You’re worse than my mom.” The blanket is slipping off of your shoulders, you tug it back up. “I’ll take some Tylenol, find a jar of vapor rub.” Angling your head to glance behind you again, you’re returning to that awkward uncertainty. 

The small dismissal digs at them both. It’s bad enough that they let themselves get to this point over one absence and here you are, alone and unwell and completely okay with sending them away. “You sure you’re good here?” 

This time you’re considering it. The proof of the deliberation is there in your silence. More often than not it takes you two or three offers to accept anything you think is an inconvenience. You’re nice to a point of fault. “I’m okay, because no one dies of fever, but if hanging out for a little and seeing absolutely nothing happen to me makes you guys feel better, that’d be cool. But you need to be careful.”

Stu grins, “I thought no one dies of a fever.” 

You take a step back, offering some space for them to pass, “I hope you get this, I think you could use a karma cold.” 

“Now I see why you have one,” Stu mumbles, pretending to be more annoyed than he feels as he steps into your house as you turn your head to stick your tongue out at him. 

Billy follows, lingering in your doorway before shutting your front door. You’re approaching the kitchen, turning your head to look Billy in the eye, “What do you think? Stu deserve one?” 

He briefly pretends to debate, “Worse.” 

You laugh at the irritated sound Stu lets out at the back of his throat. “Do you guys want anything?” They swear they’re fine as you pour yourself a glass of water and use it to down two tylonel tablets. “If my mom gets back from work and thinks I haven’t offered you guys anything to eat or drink, I’m not hearing the end of it.” 

“We’ll defend you.” Stu rests his weight against the kitchen counter, noting the bottle of cough syrup still out. “You need this?” 

You shake your head immediately. “I took some earlier and still feel foggy. I slept most of today.” 

Stu runs his thumb over the white cap, watching it spin without coming off. He considers pushing. Billy changes the subject before Stu has fully made up his mind, “You would be the type to have the most boring sick day.” 

“What’s that supposed to mean?” You’re offended, and it’s oddly soft. “I didn’t just sleep.” 

Billy’s amused enough to press, “What else did you do?” 

“I think I know...” There’s a smugness in Stu’s voice that instantly floods you with embarrassment. Oh no. He’s found them. You snap your head up in time to see Stu holding up some of the tapes you left stacked on the counter. “Beverly Hills 90210, the first four seasons.” 

Billy looks right past you and focuses on Stu. “Only four?” 

“Uh--” You’re caught. “Five’s on right now...and I don’t have a copy of six.” They’re both too quiet, fighting the urge to burst into laughter. “Don’t judge. Trashy teen soaps are popular for a reason.” 

“What about artistic integrity?” 

You dismiss Billy’s question with a scoff that’s a hint too raspy. “Cheap writing in Hollywood isn’t my fault.” 

Instead of returning with another joke (maybe some comment about what Randy would say if he ever found out), Billy pushes himself off of the wall he was leaning against and approaches your refrigerator. 

Billy knows he’s at least heard of the usual home remedies, but he can’t quite place them. Won’t place them because the only person that ever worried about these kinds of things isn’t someone Billy’s willing to think about right now. 

Starve a fever or maybe that’s colds. There’s also...electrolytes? And hydration. That’s probably the best idea. Why does it matter? That thought bothers him, digs under his skin and settles at a wrong angle. He’s seen you. You’re alive, unscathed, and relatively fine. It’s not like any of the bad thoughts were proven right--you weren’t skipping for some other person or leaving.

But you’re uncomfortable. And alone. And vulnerable. Billy hates it. Hates that his awareness of your feelings is lodging itself in his mind and that he can’t really help and that it matters. He’s not sure he remembers the last time anyone besides Stu’s feelings actually mattered. Maybe Sidney’s did once, awhile ago, but that--that didn’t feel nearly as urgent as this.

“You okay?” Your voice snaps him back to the moment, to the glass of water he was getting. “You’re kind of staring at that glass like it knows something it shouldn’t.” 

You drop your voice a little, chin tilting down as you try to be funny. The humor is real enough that Billy doesn’t feel overly pushed, but he does note the thinly veiled genuineness in your words. That’s another thing about you. You say things and you mean them. Even if it’s completely casual, even if it’s a sentiment you’ll forget about immediately until it comes up again. You mean it. 

Billy sets the freshly filled glass on the counter, “Drink more water, your voice sounds like it could be used by a horror movie villain.” 

You frown like Billy’s offended you beyond repair. Just as he thinks you might protest, you pick up the glass and down a fair amount in a few gulps. “Happy?” 

“Oh, he’s thrilled,” Stu hums, “That’s what he looks like when he’s happy.” 

“I think I believe you.” Billy waits until your attention is fully on Stu before letting himself give in and smile a little. 

Stu takes a step towards you, “I’d never lie to you, baby.” He ignores the slight face you make at the nickname. Being sick must make you more irritable because you’ve let much more creative nicknames slide. Stu cups your face between his hands before you can protest. You don’t move or try to shake him off. He takes a second to exaggeratedly feel your skin. “You’re as hot as you look and that’s saying something.” 

“I’m wearing Christmas pajama pants that I got in 8th grade and I spent half the morning on the bathroom floor. No one could find this look attractive.” Stu half shrugs, protests already building, but you snap back to reality before he can get them out. “And if I’m that hot,” you step back, using your hands to pry him off of you, “You shouldn’t be touching me.”

He takes a step towards you. “My immune system’s strong.” Stu briefly flexes an arm, “You think all this could be supported by a weak one?” 

You half smile, giving Stu the opportunity he needs to place his hands on the soft blanket still on your shoulder’s. Again, he’s pleasantly surprised when you don’t brush him off. “You’re gonna get sick.”

Stu rubs a hand up and down your left shoulder, hoping the gesture comes off as light and comforting. “I’ll be fine.” 

Nothing about Stu has given you the indication that he’d be a tolerable sick person. Also, a small part of you is worried a cold like this could really take him out. He rarely dresses warm enough and you’ve seen the amount of energy drinks he’s willing to consume on one day. You’re also not sure you’ve ever seen him eat anything with significant nutritional value. “Every day I find out you’ve managed to keep yourself alive, I’m pleasantly surprised.” 

He squeezes your shoulder. “You’re cranky when you’re sick.” 

“At least she said pleasantly.” 

Stu looks past you to throw a dirty look in Billy’s direction. “Aw, he’s jealous of what we have.” 

Okay--you might be drowsy but you know where the play fighting over you goes. It starts off lighthearted enough, but if you’re not careful it can end kind of sour. One second everyone’s joking and the next Stu’s actually pushing you to pick a side on something that should be harmless but feels heavy. Sometimes Billy gets a little more involved than you think he wants to seem and it never feels fully about you. It’s like half of what they say means something else to them. 

“Okay, no fighting over me,” you shrug Stu off as best you can without losing your blanket, “I belong to this blanket and the couch.” 

You grab your cup of water off the counter and start walking to the living room without checking if they’re following. You hear their footsteps, but pay little mind to that as you settle on the couch and set your glass on the coffee table. 

Billy sits down next to you. “Couch and not your room?” 

Reluctantly sighing, you drop your head back, letting your neck rest at an awkward angle. "I live here now.” 

He can’t tell how much of that is a joke. Are you feeling that sick? “Right.” 

Your attention briefly flickers to the TV, the cliche teen drama that’s still playing being enough to suck you back in even though you’ve missed some context. To him it just looks like overly pretty-ed people overreacting. The scene ends and you return to the present enough to shrug off your blanket and settle the fabric more comfortably on your lap. “You guys can change the tape if you want.” 

A small mercy. Billy stands and begins looking at the tapes stacked on a shelf near the TV. It’s a fair collection, but the movies he saw in your room the time he came over to work on a project were better. He picks the first title that feels decent enough for background that doesn’t seem like too much just in case you’re prone to nausea. 

You’re patiently waiting for the tapes to switch out. Stu’s being quiet, which would have clued you in on a better rested, less sick day. You don’t realize he’s planning anything until you feel the side of your blanket being tugged on. “Stu.”

He scoots closer, “It’s cold.” 

Stu stretches his legs, weaseling himself under your blanket. You weakly try to push him out “There’s another blanket over there.” He ignores you, adjusting so that your legs overlap. “You’re going to get sick.” 

“Your pants are soft,” it’s said so softly, like a kid getting clothes fresh from the laundry.  You’re not sure you have it in you to ruin his good mood. He stretches a foot past your knee and a few inches up your thigh before relaxing back into place. “Fuzzy.”

Despite what you’re wearing, you can feel the comfortable warmth radiating off of him, turning the space beneath the blanket into a space heater. “You’re like a radiator.” 

“I’ll keep you warm an--” 

“Don’t ruin it.”

He frowns, mumbling something about you being “no fun” before sinking further into the couch. You pull more of the blanket onto you and Stu’s hit with the realization that you might not be warm enough. “You want another blanket?” 

You’re clearly surprised by the question. “Uh--no, I think I’m--” 

Stu pushes himself so that his legs are almost off your lap in order to reach the fabric draped over an armchair. He moves back into place and makes a point of draping the blanket over you. “Warmer?” 

“Yeah,” the admission is hesitant.

That is so like you, needing a little push to accept what you need. “Told ya.” 

He must be right because you don’t say anything else. Silence is usually your way of being reluctantly wrong. Stu takes his victory as an excuse to move a little closer. 

Billy sits back down, settling a little closer to the side of the couch. He’s not exactly jealous of how open Stu is. Distance is a good thing, a smart thing. But he does--

A weight on his shoulder. It takes less than a second for realization to wash over him. You’re relaxed, head resting on his upper arm. The room feels a little snugger but it’s not an uncomfortable change. 

The opening credits of the movie are rolling off screen and your eyes are focused on that. “Not to make this weird or lame,” you pause, sniffling slightly as you breathe, “But you guys are kind of nice, sometimes.” 

That has to be a sign of you being tired. Billy fights down a smile. “Sometimes?”

Stu turns his leg to tap your knee, “I think we deserve a little more than that.” 

You move your hand under the blanket to halfheartedly flick his leg. After that, your hand relaxes and rests there. “Fine. Most of the time.” 

[the-martyrfication-of-the-matron]

Zenix’s little tangent in Episode 35… doesn’t entirely make sense. Or at least I don’t like parts of it and so I’m gonna bitch.

Tw I speak a little bit about abuse and cults at the end.

Zenix: “I’m sure garroth told you… didn’t he? How he found me? He must have… you were always his favorite. Isn’t it funny how he found me around the same time the old Lord was murdered?”

That’s just the beginning of it, of course.

But… Zenix saying this doesn’t really… fit.

SKs kill people in order to gain immortality (typically guards who kill their lords, but it’s established in episode 31, Criminal Brains, that it’s not only guards and not only lords). This is usually someone they knew in their human life, that’s just how it��s always been with SKs, that’s the whole… tragic romance of them. Whoever they dedicated their mortal life to will be the sacrifice to their immortal life.

Whether Zenix is saying he showed up in Phoenix drop shortly before or after he killed the lord is nothing to me, because either way, it’s clear they don’t have that bond. Even Azura states that Zenix swore himself to GARROTH. And the later established lore that sks have permanently red eyes after killing their person doesn’t even apply to Zenix in this case, because he had brown eyes the entire time we knew him, up until they clearly decided that he was the one who murdered the old lord and scrapped Vylad’s involvement.

Because up until this point… all evidence pointed to Vylad. From flashbacks of him standing outside of the old lord’s house with a flint and steel to Sasha basically outright saying it, everything has pointed at Vylad. And I’m not saying twists are a negative, red herrings are fun, but nothing good ever comes when you mix jesson and red herrings… clearly. So this was just… not a good twist. I’ve been keeping track of a lot of stuff and there just wasn’t enough for me to justify it as something pre-planned. But if someone else has another opinion I’m happy to hear.

This is something they do a lot with Zenix. Even with the original reveal that he was a bad guy, they retconned Brendan’s statement of events to make him look worse. They turned Zenix using him like a human body shield into Zenix going out of his way to hurt Brendan, though it didn’t need to be done. It just made him seem unnecessarily cruel.

And now they’ve retconned who killed the old lord to make Zenix look worse again. And I think this is because Jesson cannot cope with moral ambiguity.

Vylad and Zenix are the two most morally ambiguous characters up to this point. Zenix has an evil lean, no doubt, but a lot of his actions lack any known motivation, especially his kind actions, or moments when he does things that are objectively good but… we don’t know why, in order for us to actually understand his moral compass. Sure he is evil-aligned, but he is clearly not fully evil. He has shades of grey… and so does Vylad. Vylad clearly has a good lean, but we don’t know enough about him, and we know he is evil-aligned (he is shown to be peers with Gene and Sasha in earlier episodes) so it’s very… vague. Hazy. Morals? Questionable.

But then Jesson went— HOLD UP! Make Zenix explicitly bad by stating that he was the one to kill the old lord because he wanted immortality… and make Vylad explicitly good by stating that he was the one who hindered Zenix from killing more people.

It wss more interesting when Zenix was just some guy who did bad stuff and had an unknown backstory, and some people rooting for the good in him.

And when Vylad was spooky as fuck.

But that’s too much nuance, give a clear morality to the gay men.

Dont make SKs interesting by giving Zenix red eyes for attempting to kill the man he dedicated his life to! No! Don’t expand the lore by making it obvious that the reason that SKs have to kill their loved ones is to mirror cult/abuse tactics that distance the victims from any real support system they could have to escape! Dont give Zenix red eyes even though he failed at killing Garroth because the bond between them is irreparably damaged despite Garroth’s denial of it! Don’t do that! That’s too much nuance!

[bestworstcase]

You ain't wrong about fndm's lady/dude crit imbalance. I've noticed so much whataboutism & overlapping insistence that Oz/Qrow/Tai did their absolute best given [magic special forces duties], [hell world full of hell beasts] and/or [Salem/Raven's Selfish Dippage/Supermom's Loss], often with a side of 'you're just being blinkered stans who can't accept when ur waifu mains have flaws that need a-fixin' or should Get Over Themselves & Stick With The Program'. I mean, no denying the STRQ guys would be leagues less dysfunctional were it not for their situation's unique pressures and the immortals' contributions thereof (ditto for Ozlem thanks to the Bros), but I still don't think that causality chain fully corroborates this 'naught but vindicated put-upon sensei figures, the Bad Moms Doing Badness exonerate everything, it's Just How This World Works, we've been over this, STFU already' perspective nursed by long-haul fanposters and tons of general watchers.

truly. although i will say i Don’t think it’s fair to judge qrow as a parent because he wasn’t one, in either the biological sense (uncle) or legal (did not have custody) or familial (not a member of the household). so while certainly there are things he could have done better (gotten sober) (quit taking missions from oz for the sake of being around more to help out) (confronted tai about the wagon incident—tho we don’t know he didn’t do that tbf) short of either moving in to take over parenting or like flat out getting whatever passes for child services involved to force tai to get help or foster the girls himself for a while qrow didn’t really have a lot of material power in this situation. & both options he did have posed real risks (misfortune + the compounding trauma of a messy custody fight while everyone was still grieving summer). so

but yeah what gets me is "they really did try their best" and "their best was in fact inadequate and caused lasting harm" are not incompatible statements. Sometimes Your Best Sucks. that’s life. & sometimes when you’re deep in the throes of a traumatic situation or a depressive episode or alcoholism or what the fuck ever You Will Hurt People because you Don’t have the capacity to support others or practice empathy; you can’t draw from an empty well. that’s life!

it’s just also where the "intentions don’t negate consequences" principle applies; qrow trying to Be There for his nieces whilst struggling with alcoholism doesn’t make the harm done by his alcoholic behavior not have happened, tai’s depression doesn’t make neglect not neglectful, salem… existing at all doesn’t justify the choice to rely almost solely on child soldiers to defend his relics. etc

this is also the most compelling thing to me abt tai (potentially) staying near vale because of summer, at the expense of his kids; as soon as you bring "summer is alive and well and chose to leave him" into this equation you bring the implicit blame to the surface: is this woman responsible for his actions because she chose to end their relationship?

consider that the one thing we know with 100% certainty about these two is that summer did not trust him with her real self; her reaction to hearing him down the stairs is.

this, followed by slipping on a mask and lying through her teeth with practiced ease. (in comparison, when ruby is feeling acutely distressed she shuts down and gets quiet, which has the effect of making her distress visible but also small and easy to ignore or easily shunted aside by louder more apparently urgent problems. ruby tries to put on a happy face most of the time, but when she’s Feeling Bad the best she can do is small, strained smiles. summer turns around with a relaxed grin and makes a casual joke at ozpin’s expense.)

so—yang remembers "supermom" and ruby thinks her dad "misses adventuring with [summer]" and for eight volumes there isn’t anything to contradict this impression the girls have that their parents were deeply in love and happy with each other… and then our introduction to the Real Summer Rose is:

reading bedtime stories to her girls

the lies come out of her so easily!

she planned her rogue mission in secret with raven, who also left tai for hitherto unknown reasons that are now strongly implied to be that she felt like a failure as a wife and mother.

leaving aside the question of why summer chose to join salem (and why she faked her own death to do it)… this does not imply a happy or functional relationship. if nothing else whatever problem summer had that drove her to plan this suicide mission with raven was something that she, for whatever reason, did not feel like she could bring to her spouse/partner—and that in itself speaks to a fundamental absence of trust, but taken in conjunction with a) this Extremely well-practiced emotional disappearing act and b) how tai handles emotional vulnerability in v4 (NOT WELL!) it’s kinda…

well. the blacksmith shows this to ruby then remarks "maybe you’re not the only one who has felt the weight of others’ expectations. like alyx, like your mother," and the only character summer performs for in this flashback is. tai.

and—while the silver eyed warrior paragon-hero fairytale cult nonsense was undoubtedly the greater burden—i think the narrative is inviting the question here of to what extent perfect mother/perfect wife was one of those expectations, to what extent Raven Leaving was a shadow cast over summer’s relationship with taiyang, and how she might feel about all this with fourteen years of hindsight.

wrapping back around to the point about tai and culpability, you have on the one hand this implicit blame put on summer for tai having neglected the children after she left him and on the other this nascent question rising to the surface of: was summer even happy in this relationship, if she felt like she had to perform happiness often enough for it to be this easy? there’s the asterisk of course that what we see in this flashback was outside of the ordinary but the ease and confidence with which she slips on that mask bespeaks habit.

so tai fourteen years later is still pining for this partnership in which summer may or may not have felt an expectation to Be Happy (perfect huntress, perfect mother, perfect wife) and in which she certainly did not feel like she could bring her Desperate Suicide Mission Problems to her partner… and his parental neglect is all rooted directly in the intensity of his anguish after she left him… and she’s spent those fourteen years with salem and if they’ve not already crossed paths offscreen they’re certain to do so now that tai is like alone on patch with salem / summer / cinder for neighbors.

there’s an interesting reckoning being set up here, i think, with the unspoken implication that summer was the load-bearing pillar in this family and by removing herself from it she Made tai into a neglectful father—that’s the family narrative, dad shut down after mom left (died), but the narrative arc is beginning to culminate with "okay, why did mom leave?" and it seems to me that the natural trajectory from there is to really interrogate that question of blame.

[group-dynamic]

Script Doctoring(?) Doctor Who Season 1

Here’s how I would fix the thematic and mystery box issues of this season of Doctor Who while keeping almost everything else the same.

This season would refocus on the thematic tension between Ruby with her desire to find her birth mother and the Doctor’s avoidance of finding Susan. By adding a few choice moments in the Tardis at the beginning and end of certain episodes where Ruby tries to convince the Doctor that finding Susan is important, you would add some really nice character development and even tension to Ruby and the Doctor’s relationship and get to more explicitly explore and discuss some of the big thematic ideas that this season ostensibly centered around like family and fear of abandonment /rejection.

I also think that having the god of death in this season doesn’t make much sense in terms of the themes, so I would probably swap out Sutekh for the Trickster as many others suggested. With the Trickster, you could have the narrative-manipulating, story-changing surrounding Ruby make a lot more sense in universe. This could then better match with the idea that Russell already had: that we imbue things with importance and can thus rewrite our own narratives. Imagine Ruby as central to the finale because her desire to rewrite the false narrative in a positive way could directly counter the negative attempts to rewrite the narrative by the Trickster. Thus, she’s still just an ordinary person as RTD intended, but she is learning to overcome her fear of rejection and abandonment by fixing the negative story that both her own mind and the Trickster have written about her life as she knows she is worthy of love, there’s nothing inherently wrong with her, etc. (A great opportunity to make Carla‘s inclusion narratively significant, too, as she actively contributes to this!)

This would also make the moment where the Doctor cautions Ruby against reconnecting with her birth mother a more meaningful emotional payoff, because Ruby isn’t afraid to try reconnecting with her mother and it goes so well despite the Doctor’s own fears. This could serve as a turning point for the Doctor as he realizes that getting over your fear of rejection can lead you to new avenues for happiness and connection.

Then, instead of having a sorrowful “the doctor is always alone” ending to the season, have the last line of this season be the music swelling triumphantly and the doctor declaring that, yes, he’s going to go find Susan. This would show the actual impact that Ruby had on him and allow his character to go through some growth rather than end up where they’ve always been. (Plus, what a fun teaser to leave the audience on haha.)

You could then spend the second season, (which was ordered at the same time as season 1) on the Doctor trying to track down any clues of where Susan is. So, the season-long arc would become the doctor looking for Susan, but getting sidetracked in the typical adventure of the week.

NOW you can justify Sutekh as the big bad for this second season. If the doctor is actively looking for Susan, it makes a lot more sense that Sutekh would use her to lure the Doctor in and more devastating when it’s revealed Susan Triad isn’t her. Thematically, this works because the Doctor claims to have never reconnected with Susan before because they were terrified that they would either hurt Susan or she would already be dead, so the big bad being death this time around would haunt him: The Doctor is too late and it’s all his fault.

In terms of the “I am life, and you are death” theme, this also makes a lot more sense within a context of actively trying to find Susan, because the doctor is so afraid that he brings death, but the fact that Susan exists at all (and perhaps he finds her or some evidence of her life) in addition to the amazing family he’s built across time and space rallying around him (like Ruby, Mel, Kate, and Rose which justifies a unit based episode AND the memory Tardis as the Doctor’s equivalent of Carla’s wall of photos of her foster kids) is proof that he isn’t a “harbinger of death.” That all of us defeat death when we choose love and support for ourselves and offer it to others. Self indulgently, I would love a conversation between the Doctor and Cherry about family and found family, too. Imagine how wonderfully thematic it would be if this ordinary woman gave the doctor what he needed physically and spiritually to save the day: grandmother to grandfather. Heck, maybe she is the one who gives him the spoon. A teaspoon in fact :).

So anyway, those are the big changes that I think you could make and leave literally everything else the same to get a better emotional payoff and prevent the audience from feeling a little robbed by the mystery boxes.

[yuseirra]

I've been jotting down notes here like a madman, but no matter how much I think about it, I don't think Ai's boyfriend would have tried "to scare her" by sending Ryosuke..

Looking at how Kamiki behaves, he’s the type who takes responsibility for things even when it’s not his fault, and it really wears him down.

I mean, the things Ai brought up when she left to him were incredibly cruel...(she didn't blame him, just stated the facts but that alone would have broke him) The incident related to Taiki was something terrible, something for which a mere 11-year-old kid could have no responsibility; he was just a one-sided victim. Yet, when Kamiki brings it up when talking to Aqua, he talks about it as if it was something he had done, saying things like "what I did," and justifies Ai leaving as if it were natural. When someone "accepts" and "agrees with" things to this extreme degree, the possibility of aggressive outbursts is very low. If this guy showed aggression, it should have been MUCH sooner, he couldn't even do anything at Airi, he couldn't say anything when Ai left. He just... stands there with wide eyes all speechless. No sense of anger or active actions of rebuttals.

His personality seems to be one where, when something happens, he doesn’t lash out at others but instead torments himself. He blames himself for everything, thinking, "Oh, it's my fault that things turned out this way," and he’s terrible at self-protection (he’s similar to Aqua in this way, but his low self-esteem makes it even worse). He should have been angry at Ai’s words, but he couldn’t even do that.

This kind of reaction aligns with how he couldn’t say a word in chapter 155. From his perspective, he’s been believing Ai’s lie for over a decade, and then the next thing he says is that he’s going to do something for Ai. His ways of actions are consistent. If he’s still like this after 15 years, then he’s either always been like this, or it’s just his nature, or at least when it comes to things related to Ai (although it seems like this is how he is overall).

It’s not impossible that he "exploded after holding it in for so long," but what happened before Ai died wasn’t enough to provoke someone’s breaking point like that... If it’s true that she only contacted him after four years, well, it’s possible that this character, given his nature, might have been excited, surprised, and desperate, only to be rejected again, leading him to feel miserable and sorrowful. But then he might have thought, "Of course, Ai wouldn’t want to meet someone like me again; that’s only natural," and convinced himself of that. (If someone dumps him, he’s more likely to accept it rather than obsess over it. Think about it, he didn't do anything for 4 years;; and Ai's a celebrity, he could've tried to approach her on many occasions but the protagonist twins have no idea of the dad) Based on what he says, this interpretation makes more sense. I think he could've been just incredibly sad. But then something went wrong, Ai died, and now he’s completely out of his mind, thinking it’s his fault. I honestly don't understand why you'd try to harm someone who'd be willing to show your kids whom you share with them. Is he that crazy and broken? That sort of reaction is very different from how he used to be, and personalities don't change that drastically. Maybe he grew insane after the influence of the black star or whatever, but from how well the characters are written in this manga, I think there should have been signs if he were to be the type to take that sort of toxic action. Kamiki mostly just seemed.. timid and helpless, in his past.

He believes he was never loved by the person they loved deeply, but he also says he's willing to sacrifice their life for them while being so, that’s actually quite a miserable state of mind, isn’t it? Even in such a state, it seems like Kamiki was constantly doing something for Ai. Since he thought Ai didn’t like him, he probably disregarded himself entirely and went off the rails... with a mindset of "I don’t care if I die."

That’s why I think statements from this character like "It’s my fault" or "I did it" are not very reliable to believe at face value. It seems like he’s saying these things because he wants to blame himself, or maybe he can’t forgive himself, so he talks like that. I could be wrong, but at least when it comes to Yura, I think there’s a high chance that he’s less responsible than he thinks and that there’s about a 50% chance that he didn’t even kill anyone; the more I try to examine his character, I feel like he’s not someone who would originally harm others.

Maybe he really did nothing at all... If that’s the case, someone should save this guy. The only explanation I could think of, for having Ai say "help Kamiki" would be this. If it were to be any other way, and Ai was his victim, then the story is just so harsh on Ai, even if she loves him, Kamiki would have to pay for what he's done, not "helped". Well, his life has been pretty miserable. I don’t know what he’s been up to while the main characters grew up and after he broke up with Ai and looking at him all dressed up in a suit and holding champagne, he might have lived his life doing everything he wanted and enjoying it, but I think he’d have definitely been mentally devastated since Ai’s death. He’s probably extremely depressed, to the extent that it's surprising he’s still alive. It can’t be otherwise. I bet he really doesn't care about himself all so much.., the songs imply that very strongly.

This could sound like I'm trying to defend myself for shipping them but really.. I don't think Hikaru tried to scare Ai using Ryosuke in the first place. It just doesn't line up with his personality and what his behaviors used to be like. My drawings are actually drawn on the baseline that he lied about to be hated by Aqua and to get avenged by him (at that point of the story, he still believed that Ai and Aqua both wanted to get revenge on him and he decided to go along with it) but I know, I can be wrong. And there's probably a pretty low chance of this being touched again, but it's been so confusing for me... If he turns out to be like that, then it is what it is, I guess.

What he did, if what he claimed to do is what's happened in truth, is unforgivable. It shouldn't be redeemable, although he did have his own troubles. But with how the stories are lined up, Ai's confession of love comes AFTER he makes such a claim, and she wants to help him. Would the writer really try to justify or stand with a guy who tried to scare her ex by sending a guy with a knife?; and make Ai say those kinds of things? For her to wish not just herself, but to work with her own children -the protagonists- to help a guy like that? That'd be so cruel. I wouldn't be able to support that so wholeheartedly. I'd want to see him get some proper scolding at least, as a minimum but Aqua just let him go after having him see a video. It makes me wrap my head a lot... it's not handled really well if that's what the story really is.

And why send a pretty bouquet, out of all things when you're trying to "make someone feel the same despair"? Couldn't that have been just a well-meant gift? I mean he sent one to Akane and he's held one at a funeral, and those didn't turn out to have ill intent from what's been shown so far. How did this guy even meet Ryosuke in the first place?

I wrote a theory about what could've happened earlier, and in short, I think Nino being Ryosuke's accomplice on this (and her having introduced Ryosuke to Kamiki) would make more sense than this guy. Nino could have had many opportunities to encounter Ryosuke, but I can't really picture exactly how and for what reason Kamiki would've met this guy and formed a long-term alliance of some sort if he's never really wanted to harm Ai.

So yeah.. I'll just draw them lots before things clear up more(maybe it never will and I'm just overthinking things but I'm really curious just how Ryosuke got into contact with this guy; stuff's confusing) and I'll kick Kamiki's butt if he's really done that sort of thing. Idk; his reactions in 155 were even milder than how I first anticipated it to be...he has very low levels of aggression if I've interpreted it right.

It's so fun to think about these things, perhaps I'm a person who will be scammed really easily since I believe in people's goodwill but, it will allow me to draw some things for the time being.

[dayables]

It was never about the prank

Or the 3rd life Grian and Scar are in love essay.

Grian and Scar’s alliance, friendship, love affair, early in the game is based upon Grian owing Scar his first life as an apology for the prank that killed Scar. Grian sets the deal as, “I am in your service until I lose my first life. I’m your teammate. I’ll do whatever you want to do.” Grian is also, a terrible teammate in many respects. He tries to ruin all of Scar’s deals, he kills three people when Scar just wants to steal BigB’s cookie. Grian is, a truly terrible at “being in Scar’s service.” and “doing whatever he wants to do.” Grian is staying around Scar because he likes Scar. If Grian did not enjoy the deal, Grian would find ways around the deal.

Before the prank, Scar only proposed taking over the sand biome to Grian. Grian doesn’t say no either. He only proposes they monopolise dark oak saplings instead. Desert Duo’s alliance was never about the prank. It’s about loyalty and passion and just like all romances, it ends in either marriage or death.

If there’s one thing about desert duo, it’s that their loyal to a fault. There are so many quotes I could pull to prove this point. One example, in episode three following Scar’s death. He offers poppies and lilacs and asks: “Can we still be friends?” There’s uncertainty in the question. This would make sense considering the fact Scar’s the first red life on the server. By the rules of the game, the answer is no. The one time Grian cannot justify breaking the rules of his own game, is accepting his place by Scar’s side as a friend not as a debtee. Also to mention the flowers again, lilacs mean: Do you still love me?, grief and optimism. Poppies mean: eternal love, sacrifice and remembrance. The flowers say many things Scar does not say: I still love you, I hope you love me still but I think you don’t.

In the finale, Grian asks Scar at the battle of Dogwarts, “Is this it? Is there where we show our true allegiance too each other and that’s it? We turn on everyone?” Every alliance before this fight was temporary. Scar and Grian only ever cared for each other and pizza. While they knew Scott, Jimmy and Joel were on their side there was never a care in their alliance. Just the knowledge they had a common enemy before they turned on one another. All of their allies were brought together by war. Scar is Grian’s “True allegiance.” Scar is the only one Grian cares about and vice versa. They were recluses who others had to seek out. Desert Duo never had the opportunities for friends because they had each other they never left that desert.

So let’s talk about the desert. The sand land, the fallen kingdom was a desolate and expansive. There was no desert village, there was no pyramid. The sand land was nothing more than Monopoly Mountain, Pizza, Scar, Grian and cacti. There wasn’t a single sign of life besides the prickly cacti, not even a singular dead bush. It slots right in with their isolation. There was no reason for anyone to come to the sand land unless to see Grian and Scar and as I said before, Grian and Scar only left it to gather resources. Everything was always about the sand lands and Grian and Scar and Pizza were the sand lands.

Finally, you have the betrayal. When Scar threw everything he and Grian had over the pieces of paper Grian has been calling useless the entire series.  In this moment both Grian and Scar’s worlds tilt on their axis. Grian has been betrayed by the man he pledged himself even when he no longer had too. Scar stops basing his actions over the pieces of paper. Bdubs had the ‘no kill pass.’ But Scar “didn’t know what to do” after Grian. Scar had a plan to kill Bdubs when Grian returned. Scar didn’t want to take Grian’s final life and when Scar didn’t fight? Neither could Grian. Scar asks if they can, “fix our sand castle.” And Grian asks, “Can we win together?” It’s in the very fabric of their characters: Grian doesn’t want to kill Scar and Scar doesn’t want to kill Grian. They just… have to kill each other… to figure that one out…

Then it ends. It ends exactly how it began. Grian killing Scar. It ends with just the two of the. It ends in the desert because they could never wash off the sand. It ends beside Pizza’s grave. It ends in a fight with fists and a fight on their own terms because they never cared about the rules which dictate they should be fuelled by bloodlust.

It doesn’t end with a prank because the prank was nothing more than a prank. The tragedy, the end and the beginning lie in the fact its Scar’s blood on Grian’s hands and he never wanted it there. Except the second time round, there’s a weight heavier than guilt on Grian’s hands. There’s loss as well.

In conclusion, they loved each other. By my fucking god, Grian and Scar loved each other. It’s weaved into their story so deep it’s impossible to uproot it all. They were fated to die by each other’s sides, that there would only ever be one victor and they chose to love anyways. They chose each other, were loyal to each other, never doubted each other in the face of a death game and yeah.

[ikamigami]

Eclipse keeps saying he’s basically Moon, and with that in mind it makes sense why he treats Sun they way he does, both of the scapegoat Sun for their own personal problems rather than realizing it’s they who are the problem, lash out at him and hurt him in bouts of frustration because they  think he won’t fight back(and both were shocked when Sun was pushed too far and finally did), both believe Sun is just as evil as them and use any expression of anger(no matter how justified it may be) from Sun as evidence, when Sun tries to stop/talk them down from doing evil they verbally and even sometimes physically beat Sun out of their way, they see Sun as weak, stupid, and get frustrated at Sun being a “coward” and treat him poorly to “teach him a lesson(which in reality has the opposite effect, but they don’t realize/care about that, they also don’t realize that Sun only seems stupid because he was never allowed to learn, Moon refuses to let Sun learn about tech and Golden denied Sun tutelage in magic despite acknowledging his potential, and Sun being constantly told that he’s a failure and is stupid would definitely discourage him from trying even if he wasn’t already being actively barred from learning), they do bad things and let Sun face the consequences(people blaming Sun for Moon’s behavior, the Glamrocks getting angry at Sun for the chip incident, etc.), and even if they do realize what they did was wrong/pushed Sun too far(and to be honest Sun has a very high tolerance for all this but even he has a limit), they often do not apologize, Moon has only now started to turn this around and while Eclipse has softened somewhat he hasn’t apologize either, and if he is projecting on EPS Sun he’s sliding backwards, and it doesn’t feel like either have fully grasped yet how badly they both damaged Sun’s mind from their combined mistreatment, they’ve only started to, at least that’s how I see it

Yes! You're absolutely right, dear anon! Thank you!

You said everything right! I'm so glad that you shared your thoughts with me ^^

This is exactly the same I was thinking but you anons (sorry if you're the same anon that wrote previous things about Eclipse and Moon cause I'm not good with seeing the pattern of writing etc) always can put in so much better words 👏

I really appreciate that y'all are sharing your thoughts with me on these characters and such cause I'd miss on so much..

And I'm glad that other people also see that Moon and Eclipse and also other characters as well don't realize how much all this abuse and trauma affected Sun's mental state.. to the point that him moving on from July 16th it's not enough.. it won't just magically fix his damaged perception of himself..

And yeah there's still a long road before Moon and Eclipse till they realize how much their actions damaged Sun and before they try to actively help him.. Moon is trying.. but Eclipse is regressing and also having to go to a different dimension was like a great opportunity for him to escape from responsibility.. that he should at least apologize to Sun and try atone even if a little bit..

Also thank you for saying that both Moon and Eclipse were treating Sun like a scapegoat.. cause I've seen a pretty hurtful statement that apparently Sun was treating Eclipse like a scapegoat.. it was quite a long time ago.. and I remember getting a bit angry (a bit too much hence I apologized later) at person for using this word when talking about Sun.. cause Sun was a scapegoat in this dysfunctional family..

But these were the times when people still didn't see that Sun wasn't at fault for any of this.. and even if that person didn't have bad intentions writing that it was still not good usage of word when it comes to Sun a victim of abuse from both Moon and Eclipse..

And that's why I was angry.. because people were pushing the blame on Sun when he was a victim and many refused to aknowledge that back then.. and some still are minimizing Sun's trauma..

So thank you so much for saying that because it means a lot to me and I'm happy to see that I'm not the only one who saw that Sun was treated like scapegoat by Moon and Eclipse..

[smokestarrules]

hi! i wanted to ask u a question abt gwitch if that’s okay. during That episode 17, before miorine does the cruel/idiotic betrayal breakup she tells guel that she’s the same as him and also doesn’t want to lose her precious things. obviously she meant suletta but i was always confused, bc she’s still going thru with the backstabbing and pushing her away so she IS losing her precious thing unlike guel who with this deal is preserving his precious thing which is jeturk company by partnering w her. so they’re not the same in that sense OR did she mean 2 other ways: that she doesn’t want to lose the precious suletta she knows and loves to prospera’s manipulations that’ll turn her into a murderer, or that she means it like suletta will surely die on this path if it continues and she doesn’t want to lose her literally.

sorry this got long but i’m v curious how u interpreted that, like she said that and then goes and gives up her precious thing- unless it was the latter reasons i mentioned. also i’m realizing now it sounds like i hate miorine, i don’t, i get what she did and im nuetral/like her character but i never got the catharsis and resolution from that act bc of the rushed ending, and now i have this unresolved frustration and anger towards her that pops up sometimes when i think abt the 2nd cour.

i rly rly wish they’d gotten to talk abt this more during their reunion than just the one line “pulling u away from ur mom, it was all a mistake” like i desperately needed the words im sorry. i KNOW she probably said it offscreen but maaaan, i know u like this trope but break your heart to save them gets under my skin so badly i just want to shake the character!

this got long again i’m so sorry for the rambling, like i said i’ve got baggage from ep17 that imo didn’t pay off well enough to justify doing that. i still ship sulemio tho and am so happy they’re married, it just breaks my heart that we didn’t get more episodes to unpack that miorine acted exactly like her father. have a good day! thanks for reading all this if u did

To me it was both of the reasons you yourself mentioned: Miorine weighed her options, and ultimately decided that Suletta would be worse off if she didn't cut ties with her in the worst possible way. As a result, Suletta would be taken out of the most dangerous areas (re: Prospera also giving her up, as was the deal) and she wouldn't be further corrupted by Prospera either.

There just really wasn't any good decision to make. I love that episode because I think it's incredibly good character development for Miorine to be able to make that choice; she's always been somewhat of a selfish character and that's been shown alongside her protection of Suletta, so obviously this is a huge decision for her no matter what.

I would have also loved to see an apology, but unfortunately it's pretty clear that the tail end of the show was pretty rushed and while the scene we did get of their reunion was done incredibly well, there's a few things that they simply ran out of time for. In the end, I think I would have loved a true season 2 where they could flesh everything out more slowly and thoroughly, but I am happy with what we were ultimately given. You are absolutely valid to have some misgivings about how it all went down.

[crusherthedoctor]

I like how Sonic 06’s defenders and their arguments never conform or line up with one another, like each of them has a different interpretation and headcanon to the game’s plot and characters.

Some say the Time Travel works in X way, others say it works in Y way, and so on, even though it’s never outright stated in the game any of this, and their own theories have their share of inconsistencies and holes with what the game shows us. Then there are the ones who say Mephiles is a 400 IQ villain whose actions were all according to his masterful and sadistic plan (despite all the other characters becoming fucking dumbass for all the ass plot to happen), and there are ones who says he’s supposed to be a dumbass and a coward, even though Eggman in the end props him up like a master manipulator who trolled them all, so I’m not exactly sure if the game confirms this view.

There is never a consensus on what exactly is the case on these things and it’s so funny to me. Maybe someone could say that because the story is so complex, deep and masterful, one could draw many interpretations from it. Like, yeah, it’s totally not because everything in the story is poorly explained, established, shown and executed, making everyone have the chance to fill in the gaps with any kind of bullshit the game shows and establishes or even what it doesn’t show and establishes lol.

Surge might have dethroned him as my least favourite Sonic villain of all time (funny how it didn't really take that much effort beyond simply being as annoying as possible for my tastes...), but Leslie the Dark is still a shoddy result who similarly did not earn his fandom acclaim. Much like how my personal distaste for Frontiers doesn't mean I'm suddenly going to start fawning over '06, or any other game I consider too flawed to consider good in the unironic sense.

You can tell Mephiles was set up to be the ultimate mastermind, and that him failing to line up with that role was not intentional. Notice you'll get fans gushing over how brilliant he is, but once you point out the issues with him, then they'll switch gears and act as though his flaws were deliberately woven into his portrayal. Either that, or that you can't expect perfection from a Sonic story (which is hilarious since most fans make a big deal about how they care more about the story than the gameplay, to the point of excusing certain installments of their non-nitpick shortcomings if they find the story to be halfway decent). It's no different to claiming Scourge was always meant to be a parody, despite how he would frequently be presented as the biggest and baddest threat with no irony whatsoever: it's a lazy excuse to justify bad writing, and very obviously such.

The only reason you could give Mephiles for going out of his way to convince Silver to kill Sonic is that he couldn't do so himself for whatever reason... which goes out the window when he ends up doing the deed himself anyway. It's not like he was too busy either, since up to that point, he spent the rest of his time fooling around with Shadow in ways that didn't really contribute anything to his ultimate plan. Or that he could have teleported all the Chaos Emeralds to his destination from the start, since it turns out he can do that as well, with no reason provided in the game as to why he didn't do so beforehand. While you can write a villain whose indulgements might occasionally drift from their overall scheme, you need to be smart about it, and provide context that doesn't compromise the story's structure.

This is what happens when prioritizing cheap power level thrills overwrites the plotting. To my dismay, this would not be the last time it becomes an issue in a Sonic game. *looks at Frontiers' shortsighted milking of super forms*

The recent push to retcon '06 in general as secretly brilliant is always going to be an example of why I don't take a statement as gospel just because it's a popular one. Yes, '06 does have some moments worthy of praise, and some ideas did have potential, but that doesn't mean the final overall product is actually good. The humans still look uncanny. The world still leans too far into realism for realism's sake. The gameplay remains as broken as ever, and no amount of praise given to Project '06 will change that the original game remains broken. Elise's character being reevaluated and appreciated is nice, but she was still used poorly in the plot. Silver might be powerful, but on top of being made to piggyback off of Shadow's popularity (and the majority of his creative process being little more than "think Trunks"), he was ultimately portrayed as a total idiot, and the way they framed him beating Sonic was just as unearned as Mephiles' kill, and contributed to Sonic's poor treatment in the game as a whole. Do I even need to go on, given what game that nearly killed the franchise we're talking about?

It's frustrating for me because not only can I express fondness for a less than stellar product while also acknowledging its quality with no issue at all (I am fully trained in the ways of Enter the Dragonfly and its lip flapping muppet models), I also happen to love stories that deliberately keep some of the details ambiguous in a way that's satisfying and intriguing instead of coming off as a cop out. So for people to hold up '06 as an example of that offends me lol, especially after so many years of later games being beaten over the head because fans cried up and down about not settling for mediocrity.

So we won't settle for perceived mediocrity, but outright shit is fair game?

[felix-lupin]

the thing one must understand about all heartmind positive interactions in cacophony is it’s a game of pretending, of plausible deniability. they are walking a very careful tightrope. mind cannot admit how much he wants it. heart knows exactly how much he wants it but he [believes || knows] if he ever admit any of it everything would fall apart. i think it’s all very careful and very deliberate. if heart is not denying his own wants or the fact this is all going to crumble, he’s letting mind deny his, because if he doesn’t play it just right, mind will immediately leave. mind’s constantly playing contradiction. i don’t actually want this!!! it’s just chance that lead me to sit here, and it’s just that another argument would be counterproductive, that i’m letting heart lean on me. the most important difference between them is heart wanting mind lines up exactly with his nature. he is the love as well as the hate. so he accepts it easy, because it MAKES SENSE. however, with mind, it directly contradicts everything he’s supposed to be, and to resolve the contradiction he must either deny one or the other. and being the mind is literally his name. so he pushes it as far down as he possibly can. and if it comes back he MUST justify it. it’s not that i like the contact, i just don’t want heart to get pushier. i think he knows. i think it’s obvious. it lines up with everything heart is, after all. but it has to be just another thing the heart should not want but does. reciprocating is out of the question. but he doesn’t actually want to turn heart down, even if that would be the most logical option. he says it’s because heart’s so trigger happy it’d be dangerous. that is a lie. he just likes this too much. and heart is willing to play this game with him because he knows mind will never accept, whether it be repression or straight up lack of desire. so he says nothing. but he still wants. so he leans in a bit closer.

augh,, yeah !!!

they are playing a careful game of pretend with each other. Neither of them break this game of pretend however much they might want to.

Mind has to contradict his emotions and logic them all out, pretend to himself that it's just happenstance that these things also let him get closer to Heart. It's just a coincidence, an aside, he's only doing it because it's the easiest/most logical thing to do, because its the only thing that will avoid a fight, or whatever. He ignores his own wants, and that rationalization is part of why they can't go too far with it; because then it wouldn't just be convenience, or happenstance. It would be deliberate and intentional. And they can't do that. That is a step off a cliff and a very long drop and they don't know if they'll be met with pillows or spikes at the bottom

Mind knows that he likes this too much, so he can't indulge because if he does, that opens the door to other indulgences. That opens the door for all of the other temptations and desires and breakdowns to flood in, so he has to hold that door shut tight and not let anything get past it. But even though he holds that dam shut and refuses to let even the tiniest bit of water seep out... he still wants this, so he rationalizes and logics and pretends that he's not indulging

and heart plays along, because he knows the second he gets too close, that Mind will slam that door shut, and he'll be even more careful in the future not to let it open again. hes trying not to boil the frog too fast, or whatever the saying is. but, still, he cant help but lean in a little bit closer, indulge just a little bit more, and hope mind doesn't notice (or, more accurately, call it out), and hope that he doesn't ruin the path of pretend that they walk in doing so. it would be better not to lean in a little closer, probably, for risk of ruining the facade, but... Heart's never been very good at ignoring what he wants, playing along even this much probably already takes a lot.

[xenosagaepisodeone]

(i am so sorry for the wall of text)

personally my problems with homura in rebellion have less to do with like, how morally justifiable her actions are in an in universe context and more with how shes framed. like yeah it makes sense that she wants to free madoka bc madokas ‘godhood’ forced her to martyr herself only to still be trapped within the incubators’ system, but then the scene comes where homura grins evilly and pulls madoka out of the sky while madoka yells and protests and then homura turns into satan and the camera pans over her sexy satan outfit while she monologues about how her love for madoka has made her into ~the devil~ and suddenly its really hard to read all that stuff in good faith anymore. like idk, the concept of homuras love for madoka leading her to disregard madokas agency in order to do what she thinks will protect her could be interesting but everything about the way that scene actually plays out (the sexy satan outfit) just kinda feels like homuras love for madoka is being presented as like, an evil corrupting force which doesn’t have great implications lol

that is generally what the film presents, but what piques my interest (and honestly makes me more comfortable in creating an alternative reading) is that they don't really 100% commit to that reading either. rebellion takes place as homura is actively falling into despair. she's virtually an unreliable narrator, emphasized further by how the world of the film is a figment of her own psyche. one thing that rebellion makes clear as homura grows closer to becoming a witch is that she hates herself. in her pseudo instrumentality sequence she is depicted as despairing over being unable to save madoka, and then being judged by towering figures that resemble her when she was squirrely, meek meganemura. her failures remind her of her weakness, and her weakness resembles who she was at the start of her journey: a helpless girl who would watch madoka die. her final witch form depicts her inching towards a guillotine because she would rather die than fail madoka. homura sees herself as beyond redemption for betraying madoka, but will madokami in all her shining compassion and forgiveness see her as the same when she returns?

idk homura taking on the role of the devil came across to me as guilt and self flagellation. she knows that depriving madoka of her agency is wrong, but she can't live with herself in a world where madoka is unable to be happy. when sayaka asks if she'll destroy the universe when she's finished destroying the wraiths and she says "yes", it's clear that she doesn't mean that, but it's what an enemy of madoka would say. if madokami returns, it wouldn't surprise me if homura asked her to end her life.

[blysse-and-blunder]

in lieu of the sunday scaries

9 pm, sunday, february 12, 2023

although my to-do list from last night doesn’t really show it, i think i’ve done a good job with today.  feeling deadline pressure as the end of the month looms, but it’s funny how the stuff that exerts the most psychic pressure (laundry) can make everything else feel more manageable once it’s done. if i had a nickle for every time something i bring up in the following post featured an animated suit of armor which is otherwise totally empty, i’d have two nickles-- which isn’t much, but it’s fun that it happened twice.

reading i’m in a funny rotation of three books right now, depending on mood and time of day: the tyrant baru cormorant (just finished chapter 16, coming up to the end of part 2); mexican gothic (about halfway through); and the nonexistent knight by italo calvino (not counting the audiobook i just started for commutes, the glass hotel, emily st john mandel).  i actually picked the nonexistent knight out for a housemate of mine for christmas, and she’s lent it back to me to read for myself now, and the further we get the more justified i feel in picking it out. it’s not what i’d call ideal representation of the middle ages, but at the same time the tongue-in-cheek or satirical moments and the poking fun at medieval romance is actually exactly what i love about medievalism-y 20th century fiction. this is what i sort of wish the name of the rose actually felt like, if that makes sense?  it reminds me of when i read orlando furioso a few years ago, and i think i’m appreciating this a lot more than i would have if i hadn’t read that.

i already knew from reading his book invisible cities that i liked calvino’s turn of phrase; it’s a short book but i’m reading it extremely slowly, sifting every sentence a) to make sure i’ve understood the ideas and b) because the language is very fun. mid-century, post-war italian satire and surrealism, such a departure (deliciously) from what i read most of the time. it is so good for me to read things in translation, god. the fact that this one has a narrative, rather than the different vignettes of invisible cities, the fact that we follow the character of the knight agilulf and watch how he behaves in the army of king charlemagne as a knight who doesn’t exist physically, i.e. is just an empty suit of armor, walking around, but does seem to have feelings and thoughts, and wants to do his job as flawlessly as possible to make up for the whole lack-of-corporal form thing, is very affecting.  there’s something going on with the difference between having a presence and ‘existing’, especially in the context of all these famous heroes of medieval romance who didn’t “exist” either, really (this is not the historical charlemagne, for one)... pull quotes:

“World conditions were still confused in the era when this took place. it was not rare then to find names and thoughts and forms and institutions that corresponded to nothing in existence. but at the same time the world was polluted with objects and capacities and persons who lacked any name or distinguishing mark. it was a period when the will and determination to exist, to leave a trace, to rub up against all that existed, was not wholly used up since there were many who did nothing about it...” p. 31

watching did i write it here, or just think it, that this year i’m going to try and watch more movies? it’s almost-- not quite-- a resolution, that 2023 is going to be my year of film, whatever that means. part of it means just starting things on my own, not waiting for anyone to be free to watch things with me, and part of that also is being okay with pausing in the middle of something and coming back to it if necessary. i’m also letting myself cast a wide net in terms of quality and content: for example, i made my flight home in january an olivia wilde double feature, watching both booksmart and don’t worry darling , and beginning atomic blonde which i had to finish later off the plane. since being home, i’ve watched in the mood for love, netflix’s persuasion (2022)(lmao), and now the first half of scorcese’s the age of innocence. but rather than focus on a film here, since there’ll be a lot more of that soon, instead i’ll note for the record that i have now finished full-metal alchemist, thanks to @pep-squad-lizzie​ ! which seems appropriate to mention now since i was already thinking about empty suits of armor with hopes and dreams and obligations to those they care about. i’m not sure i can definitively say who my favorite is, but al is never not on my mind.

listening posting ‘call your girlfriend’ as covered by erato, for posterity and to commemorate getting to jam out with some dear friends this weekend, on this and many other good things. this song and video is like a decade old now, we’ve all seen it yes? if not, enjoy:

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playing: pentiment thoughts next time! friday night was boardgame night, we had some lovely people over and played first spyfall, which i think everyone was a bit too polite and/or nervous to really get gungho about, and then broke into two groups of three to play azul and, for those of us willing to learn a new one, azul: queen’s garden. this more complicated take on the original azul game actually, for me, feels a bit different in terms of the kind of planning ahead it requires, and i think in that sense doesn’t feel like a replacement for azul at all, but a whole new game in a way. beautiful game. i didn’t really grok how to anticipate the vagaries of the rotating wheel, which tells you which tiles will be scored which round, in time for it to help my score. also the way that each tile had a suit (birds, trees, various flowers) which assigned it a point value, and a color, and matches could be made according to either one but not both, resonated with my many hours of gin rummy and solitaire. it compels me.

making i did a version of a rice-cabbage-sweet potato-- avocado bowl thing today, a recipe lifted directly from one of my previous meal-kit meals but which i’ve re-imagined as a vehicle for consuming weird leftovers. my housemate and i made the brilliant decision to make monday night cake last week, but the labor was mostly hers, i just zested and juiced the lemon. looking forward to doing some of my own baking (bought plums!! plum bread here we GO) and/or other crafty things soon! i am promised a craft brunch with some dear ones next weekend, where i will be attempting to write and decorate many several pieces of mail.

working on trying not to focus on the way time before my upcoming presentation is flying by, but instead spending that time maybe working on the slides?? maybe? possibly narrowing down what i’m going to be saying?? perhaps? chapter two feedback is trickling in and i think i’m feeling positive about it on the whole, but i get to turn that chapter loose into a pasture until 3 is in better shape, which this presentation script will hopefully aid me in accomplishing. tl;dr everything is diss work, except actual diss work, which is translation.

[mypralaya]

Hello you just get disjointed Haven thoughts today. It’s funny how so much of my analysis on Shaw is so structured whereas with Haven it gets more emotional, but I guess that fits? This rant is really like THREE rants, the first one is about how difficult it is the handle a character like Haven without being Problematic and how I do my best to steer through these while staying IC too, then to thoughts about her relationship to the Adversary and its memory, then her child, her real one that never was, and likening her to figures that admittedly don’t really work for her as a non-Christian but that personally do remind me of her because I was raised Catholic THERE’S A LOT HERE

Anyway, I used to think the worst thing about Haven being brought back in the modern era would be the inevitable sexualization and whitewashing and so on, and probably more racist writing. But I’ve now decided the worst thing about it would be that she’d probably be a Girlboss, because that seems to be the shortcut that so many writers now are taking for a Strong Female Character or to right wrongs that have been done to them. And I get this is coming from good desires but it’s so inevitably bad , almost always OOC, and usually does more harm than good to the character’s portrayal. And for Haven, the reason I get why you’d want to do it (not that anyone at Marvel does, I’d put down good money, and thank goodness, but IF SOMEONE DID) is the same reasons I just don’t think it would work for her. And no one suggested it would, I am just arguing against hypothetical situations in my head, because I am like that. Anyway, a big component of the Girlboss is she’s right about everything and knows it and she’s very determined in making sure other characters and the readers know it and she will call out and shoot down every real and imagined slight against her, often violently. But Haven, though WE know she was treated terribly by the narrative and frankly also by the heroes, died with the horrible knowledge that SHE WAS WRONG and that her mistake, whether her fault or not, doomed the world (as far as she knew) She died knowing all the horrible things she did and caused with the belief it was all for a greater end that would justify the means, was actually FOR NOTHING. That her greatest and most deeply held convictions were nothing but a joke by a demon to pass the time, and she had made so many others SUFFER for that. It had to be a hideous experience, one of incredibly crushing pain, but also a HUMBLING one. On a meta level we’re all in Haven’s corner (OR DAMN WELL SHOULD BE) but in-universe she has to face she was as wrong as anyone could be and it had massive consequences. So what sense would it make for her to swagger back into the story calling out all the “good guys” for being shitty to her when it turns out they were retroactively justified and it would have undeniably been BETTER if they’d stopped her? I guess you could justify it in that she’s angry at their treatment nonetheless because it was BEFORE they knew her Evil Plans, or being angry at Xavier because she canonically knows that he sensed another mind inside her, so why didn’t he do anything? But I don’t think that makes sense for her character either. We know she’s not the type to blame others even when they have done her LEGITIMATE WRONG. When she talks to Xavier about the man she loved and who abandoned her pregnant, she has no animosity in her phrasing towards him, just shame and reprimand at HERSELF for being “selfish” in that she abandoned her work and the children in order to have a love affair. She’s not mad at HIM even NOW. And she’s very obviously quick to forgive others; when she flees from Xavier because he kept essentially ASSAULTING her by going into her mind past what she was comfortable with and she KEPT ASKING HIM TO STOP, afterwards she doesn’t think of him with ANY animosity. Quite the reverse, actually. She thinks about how she still does love and respect him. She intends to kill him, because she now knows she has to as he stands in opposition to her, but she’s very sad about it, thinking how she will be sure to slay him with compassion and will weep for him after, and then prays with her “child”. So like, god, if she did come back? She’d probably be so painfully repentant and apologetic, especially to him and X-Factor, and god that is SO UNCOMFY given the racial dynamics here. Which…tracks, because Haven’s whole story is very uncomfy in terms of the intersections of racism, misogyny, and xenophobia. But I also don’t think making her an aggro unrepentant Girlboss would be the answer either. Myself, I DO make her very often unsure and demurring and Taking A Lot of Shit but I also try to be conscious in portraying this as an aspect of trauma, that we have SEEN in canon is HOW she reacts to trauma, and not Just How Brown Women Are since the passive submissive brown woman is SUCH a thing and like, I’m a white Western woman, it’s a dicey thing to handle and I’m not even gonna pretend I get it right all the time—-which is, thank god I’m not actually writing her for Marvel, even if I want to. If I ever was, I’d only take the offer if I could work with a South Asian co-author, I don’t wanna fuck this up in a PUBLISHED WORK. But rest assured I’m not fetishizing this, or holding it up as a Good Thing on her part to be this way, or doing it thoughtlessly, I think about this a lot. And of course her developing from this WOULD BE GREAT AND END GOAL but also real development cannot be rushed. I hate quick fixes in canon, I hate them so much. It’s so cheap and not reflective of reality OR satisfying as an escape. Coming back to stereotypes, there’s also the worry about casting a WOC as a helper and caregiver and like. . .she is, she absolutely is. But I also always have worry about that for obvious reasons. And like. . .so I think Haven is this way because she is a truly good person who canonically has despised the inequality and suffering in the world since childhood and been trying to stop it since she was a kid. As a little she’s said she was tormented by knowing that beyond her privileged world there was so much pain, and tormented by her inability to stop it, and she prayed to God every night to do something. And as an adult—a teen, actually–she went out and did it HER DAMN SELF. And that’s…GREAT. I would never take that away, it’s a key aspect of her character. And alas, as mentioned, she also thinks HAVING ANYTHING FOR HERSELF and taking a break to FALL IN LOVE is SELFISH OF HER and then canon validated that by PUNISHING HER IN THE WORST WAY FOR IT. Again, thorny as hell character here. But I also think, while this is natural for her, it’s also firstly more comforting for her to be the caregiver and in that role because it means the focus is off HER trauma, the acknowledgement is not on HER pain, so she can ignore it too. It gives her control, keeps her in a role that is comforting to HER too. And lbr, she’s societally rewarded by conforming to this role, and would probably face societal consequences if she deviated from it. It’s like how I’m a very naturally feminine person, I think that’s just how I am, but it’s also delusional to think that the fact I’m societally valued and benefitted for this as a cis woman isn’t a factor in this. It’s like that. Like how I’ve also noticed how SUPER FEMME she is and I think she IS JUST LIKE THAT but also she’s a dark-skinned WOC who is six feet tall, so like she probably does have to be Extra Gender Conforming just to get treated like a proper woman. Like Mommy Fortuna putting a false horn on a real unicorn to make people see a unicorn who didn’t believe in them. That’s the angle I try to approach things from, that it’s not simply that she isn’t anything more than a caretaker, but she IS sincerely one BUT also that she locks herself into that box due to societal pressure AND trauma, and all three things can be true at once. Speaking of The Last Unicorn, I couldn’t tell you WHY but I tend to associate it with Haven. In particular, the bit where the Unicorn says “I am no longer like the others. I have been mortal, and part of me is mortal yet” but in reverse. She held a cosmic entity within her body for twenty years and she is fundamentally separate from humanity for that, even though she’s functionally once more a normal human again as she always really was. She cannot go back from that. And in some sick way, she misses the Adversary. I’ve written about this before, but for 20 years she believed this was her divine unborn child talking to her, a constant companion she looked at with love and trust. It’s hard not to miss that lie, even knowing what it was now. I usually think of “Not once did the beast look back before leaving me behind” from Petshop of Horrors and “ I’ve never forgotten him. Dare I say I miss him? I do. I miss him. I still see him in my dreams. They are nightmares mostly, but nightmares tinged with love. Such is the strangeness of the human heart. I still cannot understand how he could abandon me so unceremoniously, without any sort of goodbye, without looking back even once. ❞ from Life of Pi with regards to this, but I also think “.and to this hour the image of Carmilla returns to mind with ambiguous alterations--sometimes the playful, languid, beautiful girl; sometimes the writhing fiend I saw in the ruined church; and often from a reverie I have started, fancying I heard the light step of Carmilla at the drawing room door.” from Carmilla is good too. Her relationship with the Adversary was not romantic but the sentiment is the same, of knowing what a monster this was now, of knowing how you were preyed on, yet unable to stop missing the good times too, even though you KNOW. It reminds me a lot of how many abuse survivors remember their abusers. I think she thinks of it a lot like that. And god it just always kills me how, on top of everything, she lost her child. It was a new meat suit for the Adversary before it was even through her first trimester. I think you can mourn something that never existed, something you only thought existed, something that could have existed but failed to. I think she does. And speaking of the Adversary taking twenty years of her life, ultimately her life itself, and everything she stood for, and then her baby too. . .that’s why I’m always reminded of the Biblical woman clothed with the sun, and the dragon lying in wait to devour her child. Haven wore shining armor, and her child WAS devoured by the great dragon (which obviously represents Satan, which is a word that LITERALLY translates to “Adversary”), and it didn’t even need to wait til birth. And I wouldn’t actually use this metaphor for her if I was writing for canon, because it’s very Christian and Haven is not, but it’s what comes to MY mind as someone raised Catholic and whom this image very much scared when I was little, and I always mentally conflated the woman with Mary whom I also tend to think of in conflation with Haven even if, again, not something I’d write. But like I said, raised Catholic, so that imagery is very much ingrained in my consciousness. And probably why I gravitate so hard towards mother goddess figures. Anyway I’ll stop with the stream of consciousness now and go draw dgjsj

[soup-for-ghosts]

I would love to hear your thoughts actually!

I’m guessing this is about the crick thing? well then buckle up buckaroo because you are indulging me and my insanity here good anon and this is either gonna make total sense, or you’re gonna have no idea what the heckity heck I’m talking about

ot2 (temenos chapter 3 stormhail + a bit of his chapter 4 and a little from jftd) spoilers and also me just rambling extensively under cut

ok so first of all, let’s the establish the reason they killed off crick in canon, cause yes there is a reason. obviously they want to make you sad, it’s a tragedy. they want to make you feel shocked and sad over the death of a very prominent and generally lovable side character. but, why? it’s pretty annoying actually, the more you think about it. chances are, everyone who played this game went into temenos chapter 4 with a desire for vengeance. kaldena was the mastermind, yes, but more importantly, she killed crick. see what I mean here? crick dies to give the player a good reason to hate dena, who otherwise is a lot easier to empathize with (at least for me). did she have all those people killed? yes (god forbid women do anything), but why? she’s one of the sole survivors of the genocide against the kal, and she was a child when she witnessed it. not to mention, she, like several characters in this game, was manipulated by arcanette. does this justify her actions? no. but it’s a lot easier to understand why she did what she did when you consider all of those factors. this isn’t about dena though, it’s about crick. why did she kill crick? because he “knew too much”? it’s so out of nowhere, you blink and in the next scene he’s dead, all just to make the player have a reason to hate dena. does she deserve to be hated? that’s a matter of a opinion, and I don’t want to go on too much of a tangent here. I will get back to the characterization of dena momentarily, however.

main thing for me is just how spontaneous his death is. like one second he’s there talking and the next he’s just. gone. you could argue there’s at least some build up to it, but if you ask me, some does not equal enough. man gets all his death flags in one scene, like buddy this isn’t a speedrun… ok so here’s the part where I propose an alternate way for chapter 3 stormhail to go. crick still goes to the library alone, that part makes sense given the conversation prior. he’s trying to find out for himself what to have faith in, and if the sacred guard is not worth said faith. he finds the book of night, and so far everything progresses like it would normally in canon, until dena shows up. dena still attacks him, and the game would still have the player witness that, but I feel like it would be better if her dialogue in this scene was different. just to make an example, in chapter 4, she asks temenos to join her. why wouldn’t she do the same here?? it’s not like she believes crick isn’t capable, she knows for a fact that he is. she doesn’t have to be entirely sorry, because at this point she’s pretty much in that too far to turn back mindset, but I dunno. I just think she could have been written way better overall, tbh. but anyways, crick and dena still have their fight, and crick still gets injured. injured, not killed. he manages to run away with only the page that he normally tears from the book, while kaldena was able to take the rest of it back, and henceforth let him run, considering that he’s probably dying anyways, and she has what she wants. eventually, temenos would encounter crick trying to find him, acknowledge that he’s injured, and probably take him to some kind of healer as soon as possible. whether he tries heal him himself, whether he finds someone else, or if you’re me and you says stormhail’s got nothing on castti florenz, you let her be a miracle worker, it’s up to whatever interpretation you think is more interesting, really. regardless, once temenos can confine that he’s at least stable, the phantom guiding segment would proceed as normal, but instead of coping with the denial that he’s dead, temenos would have to cope with the unsurity of it all instead! is he dead, is he not? is he going to lose him too? no one knows (not yet at least)! so you still get that dread, you still get the sadness of it all, and if the writers so desperately want to make dena more hateable than I personally think she is, you can still extrapolate that I guess (I’d rather no one did though). as for the confrontation with cubaryi, that would progress as normal, with her still regarding crick as dead, because as far as she knows or cares, he is. after all that though, give it some time and eventually crick would regain consciousness, but there’s still that lingering fear that he almost died! it’s not unlikely for death to come back to knock so terribly soon. it’s the fear of not knowing versus the acceptance of what has already happened and cannot be undone. also ort probably has no idea whether or not crick is dead until either the events of chapter 4 or afterwards, so that’s fun for him. but yeah, crick not dying still has that fun sprinkle of tragedy and worry to it, almost more so than him actually dying if you consider that death is a set in stone thing here, and with him dying there’s that stage where it’s just accepted, and they move on. with him still being alive, but having almost died already, there isn’t a chance for that acceptance, because nothing definite has occurred. does that make sense?? I have no idea.

as for crick himself, I’d imagine he’d probably sustain an injury that would more than likely hinder his ability to act as a knight, but that kinda gets into my perception of post-canon, which isn’t. terribly relevant to this topic? but considering that this subject feeds into that, I guess it kinda is? long story short, I imagine ort taking over as the captain, considering both dena and cubaryi are dead by now and he’s kinda the next best as far as the authority here goes. and then like I mentioned before, due to the injury and ort not wanting him to get hurt any further, crick might retire from the sacred guard. that’s. just my view on things, though, I don’t expect everyone to agree. I do have thoughts on the concept of him not retiring, as well, but like. he deserves a break I think. he’d keep the sword by his side, but he’d get a break from everything that caused him such strife. lastly maybe he moves away from stormhail, maybe even to flamechurch. but I like knightlight so of course I’d say that lmao

anyways I’ll cut it there. I hope that made any bit of sense, and that I’m not just being ridiculous with my thoughts here- if I make no sense, and my imaginings are preposterous then oh well, it makes more sense in my head than on paper (tumblr post?) then.

[thathumanleech]

So, i’ve hyperfixated on The Black Phone so i’m now just gonna do some random Vance Hopper headcanons, because why not? (I may or may not be projecting a bit but it’s just a bit of fun so who cares).

- Is absolutely not a morning person but physically cannot sleep in past like 8 AM unless he falls back asleep after waking up. He’s used to being pulled out of his sleep by random noises or shouting or feeling like he’s being watched or whatever so his brain is almost programmed to randomly wake up early for no reason. He has to pass out immediately after waking up otherwise he can’t go back to sleep (or just really fucking struggles with it). He has to get up to switch a light off or shut a door? He has to speak to someone immediately after waking up? That instantly starts waking him up and he cannot fall back asleep, and it’ll piss him off so damn much.

- He can physically feel his rage when he gets angry, doesn’t matter if whatever set it off makes it seem irrational or not. It’s just this explosive, red hot, burning that makes it so he has to do something to get rid of it, either lashing out at other people, random objects (doors, walls, etc) or he’ll turn it on himself in an attempt to do damage control.

- Carrying on from that: when he can, he’ll shut himself away so he’s alone and can’t hurt or damage other things. Because after he’s calmed down, especially if he’s broken things or hurt people, he will just have the most crippling sense of disgust and shame at himself (even if objectively his violence is actually justified). He honestly might just cry slightly, which just makes him angry. Tbh i kinda headcanon him as having IED.

- Absolutely hates milk. Cannot drink just straight milk without being genuinely sick to his stomach. The only way he will drink it is if it’s a banana or bubblegum milkshake.

- He most definitely didn’t grow up in the stablest of households. So, when he was younger and he was trying to avoid arguments or being shouted at, he’d shut himself in his room and blast music at full volume. Music was his escape from everything and most of the time he’d end up pressing his ears almost directly against the speakers to try and dull it out. As well as that, when he’s angry he’ll just blast his music to calm himself down and distract him. This kinda fucked up his hearing by giving him tinnitus but he thinks it was worth it.

- Neurodivergent ™️ ADHD & Autism. Why? Because I said so.

- Very touch starved but so much so that he’s no longer used to physical contact that isn’t somewhat violent or aggressive in nature so he’s very touch averse to anyone that isn’t someone he’s comfortable with/trusts. Hates most light touches, they make his skin crawl unless it’s a very specific situation where he’s alright with something light/softer. Heavy pressure all the way. Loves rough & tumble play fighting.

- Didn’t have a lot of friends growing up and any friends he did have grew distant quickly as his main way of showing affection comes off as quite heavy handed or aggressive. He didn’t really understand why so he just withdrew and refused to have physical contact with anyone he would’ve called a friend as a result. This just added to his touch starved-ness.

- His love language is acts of service. He’s extremely protective over the people he cares about and there’s not much he wouldn’t do for them. Loves to be of some use and help whenever he can.

- In like primary school (its elementary school for America isn’t it? i’m from the UK, he’d be like 9/10 ish), he let people believe he couldn’t feel physical pain or that he just had an insane tolerance. It was to make sure people wouldn’t single him out or go after him because “if he didn’t feel it or react there was no point in trying to hurt him” or some shit. This ended up with him standing in the playground one day while he bit his tongue trying not to react as he let some of the other kids pinched him and twisted his arm backwards or just some other thing that absolutely hurt him but he just refused to show it just to ‘prove it’. So when it reached a point where he felt himself about to react because his arm was about to pop he just snapped and lashed out at them. This meant he was the one to get into trouble for starting fights, but it helped him get the image he wanted and people didn’t mess with him (unless they got cocky and started something they most definitely didn’t finish).

- Absolute sweetheart around animals. Will always stop to pet a cat when he sees one (does a quick glance to check no ones around to see it). I like to think he’d want a pair of pet rats. Tries to befriend corvids by sneaking them bits of food in the garden because he heard they hold grudges and he wants to stay on their good side.

He’s a member of the rottweiler man trope (intimating vibe, people would cross the street to avoid him, trauma, but is loyal and has soft spots for certain people & animals).

If he draws, he got a really weird ass art style. Idk how to elaborate I just feel like he’d have a wack art style.

Absolutely picks his scabs, without a doubt. Same with hangnails or random bits of skin around his fingers.

If he accidentally walks into a door frame or stubbs his toe on something he’ll swear at it like it made an active choice to get in the way.

Has probably caught his jacket or clothes on door handles an ungodly amount of times. It always happens when he’s angry, no exceptions. His reaction is either just shouting & swearing while trying to unhook his jacket or completely stopping all movement and taking the deepest breath in with his eyes closed before storming off like it didn’t happen in silent rage.