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#but the existential dread is gone :)
edwinisms · 3 months
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you ever think about how edwin got like. no warning, no time time to process, nothing, when he reappeared on earth faced with the fact that virtually everyone he knew in life is dead. his parents? probably died in the 1950s or so (at best) almost forty years prior to edwin’s return. if any of his classmates were still around, they’d have been elderly, possibly senile, and in a few years they’d all be gone– except, of course, edwin. nothing looks the same, cars look like spaceships, there actually are spaceships, he can no longer see the stars, and everyone he knew is dead.
#he may be dead too but he’s certainly not gone. he’s a lingering relic. something lost to time#that’s some existential dread on an incomprehensible level#like. he meets charles quite soon after returning from hell and it’s implied he’s pretty much just been haunting that schoolhouse in that#time right. so I seriously doubt he’d have visited– let alone even Found– his parents’ graves. I wonder if he ever did that with charles.#maybe charles providing him enough emotional support to feel like he could handle it.#I know that he wasn’t close to his parents in life– nor was he close with anyone that we know of– and yeah I think that’d definitely make#things a bit easier in certain ways; he never felt like he belonged in his time/place in life or amongst his family or peers#so being displaced from all that wouldn’t feel like losing very much#in a way#but… I mean still#and he inevitably would have those lingering thoughts of what could’ve been–#yes he could’ve died in the war and his life likely wouldn’t be very fulfilling considering he’d probably be forced into a marriage he#wouldn’t want or if he was found out he could’ve been imprisoned and ostracized and disowned. plenty of ways his life could’ve been awful if#but also what if his parents loosened up a little as the times did? as in- what if he actually got to know them? what if they tried to#have a relationship with him of some sort eventually? it’s not impossible#it’d have to eat at him. that and wondering if either of them felt guilty#or felt a loss. or anything#hoo boy. fun stuff#edwin#edwin payne#rambling#dead boy detectives
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pixelatedraindrops · 5 months
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Yuma Month: Day 10: Memories
…but there were none to think of…
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werewolves-are-real · 11 months
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Time Travel Temeraire snippet
At first, Laurence assumes he's dead.
It's a natural conclusion. He remembers dying, after all.
He and Tenzing were at a function hosted by Wellesley. They were mostly there to support the dragons. Temeraire had long abandoned them to quarrel with Perscitia in the courtyard, with half a dozen ferals watching like it were a jousting match. Wellesley had laid out his grounds to allow room for dragons and men to mingle, but a good portion of the guests retreated inside to avoid the raised voices of the dragons.
Laurence wonders how Temeraire felt about that, later. About not seeing.
He was stabbed. He barely remembers it – just a quick pulse of pain in his chest, looking down. Red blooming over his coat.
Then he was on the floor. People screamed. Tenzing appeared, grappling with a tall and finely-dressed man; he used a dinner-knife to punch a hole in the stranger's throat, in a fantastic spray of blood, and dropped the body at once to kneel by Laurence's side.
He remembers Wellesley barking orders – bandages, water, a hot knife. Have to cauterize it, he'd shouted. Keep pressure -
But Tenzing never spoke. Just pressed down on Laurence's chest, over the wound, without particular panic. Laurence still remembers the grim resignation on his face; Tenzing knew what was coming. Laurence was glad to have him there when he died.
Then Laurence woke up.
The world sways in a familiar way, a rhythmic motion that Laurence registers on a soul-deep level. He's on a ship. But why? Where is Tenzing, Temeraire? Why would they put him on a ship?
“I think the fever's breaking,” says a voice. A naval doctor, disheveled and salt-stained, with long scars down his bared arms. “Oh, and awake too!”
“Well thank Christ,” says another man. One Laurence recognizes.
It's Captain Gerry Stuart – but he looks different, younger than the last time Laurence saw him, with smooth skin and dark curly hair.
Gerry died two years ago.
“Well, Lieutenant! You gave us a scare – how are you feeling?” Gerry asks.
“It's Admiral,” Laurence corrects rather than all the other things he does not dare ask. He hates the title foisted upon him; but it's at least more comprehensible than Lieutenant, and he clings to that rather than demand where did you come from.
Stuart throws back his head to cackle, though the concern doesn't leave his face. “Still perhaps a bit feverish, I think!”
“That might be the laudanum,” says the doctor, also amused. “Why don't you sleep a bit more, Lieutenant?”
“But where is Temeraire? Or Tenzing?”
“I can only assume you had some very vivid dreams,” Stuart chuckles. “You were babbling and babbling for Temeraire – isn't that a ship?”
“Perhaps the flagship of his fleet,” suggests the doctor, and Stuart laughs again. “Get some rest, Mr. Laurence. Holler if you need me.”
They both exit the sick-berth. Laurence stares blankly at the door.
What?
Laurence pats his chest. No wound. He looks down, startled by the pale thinness of his fingers, his youth-soft skin.
Well; not soft. Callouses cover his hands. But even these patterns are different – hard skin in places where he would hold a sword, or pulls ropes. His hands should be more wrinkled, yes; but these callouses faded years ago.
“Where am I?” he asks when the doctor returns. “And what is the year?”
“The year? 1793. You don't remember?”
1793. Laurence was 19 in 1793. A lieutenant for two years, on the Shorewise.
The doctor narrows his eyes. “What's my name, lad?”
Laurence swallows. His stomach churns; for the life of him he can't remember.
The doctor rushes off to retrieve the captain.
_____________________________
Laurence is diagnosed with brain fever, and partial amnesia. Gerry is horribly guilty about laughing, earlier; Laurence could not care less. He is given strict orders to stay on bed-rest for another week, in hope his strength will recover – and his mind.
Laurence doesn't think he'll have any issues working – he's forgotten many of the people around him, true, but he may never forget the way to run a ship. He's far more concerned with learning what happened.
From all appearances, it is indeed 1793. France is undergoing riots, and declared war against Britain in February. Temeraire has not hatched. Napoleon is probably a corporal or general himself, at this point. If he exists at all. God knows, perhaps Laurence is only mad.
But he doesn't feel mad. His memories are too vivid to be mere fever-dreams. A man cannot dream up twenty years of life!
But neither can a man go back to his youth, and live it all again.
I have a dragon, he thinks of saying. There is no war, because I captured Napoleon – an unknown man who makes himself emperor.
Mad. It sounds mad even to Laurence himself. But to imagine that Temeraire was a fever-ridden dream... Tenzing and Granby and China, all of it...
Laurence doesn't share his turmoil with anyone – not even with Gerry, who checks on him fretfully. After a week the doctor declares him well enough, physically. He's paired always with another lieutenant for the first few days on duty, and his shipmates watch him carefully for signs of permanent debilitation; but aside from a moment or two of hesitance, Laurence competently resumes his duties. The oversight lessens.
Laurence thinks about writing letters.
He thinks about writing to Tharkay's late father, who ought to still be alive, inquiring after his son. He thinks of writing to Prince Mianning, asking about the health of Lung Tien Qian. He thinks of writing to young Midshipman Granby, his unwed brother, his dead father...
Not all of them would reply. But he could ask questions. Could verify the truth of things. Unless this, instead, is the delusion.
Is he in 1793, imagining the future? Is he in the future, imagining the past? Or maybe he is already dead, and this is the reality of hell. He came here burning with fever, and now he burns with fear. Surely that is it's own form of torture.
Laurence is ironically given the task of tutoring the midshipman and lieutenant-hopefuls more than any other duty as the weeks pass; his crewmates still look askance, and the more eager of the midshipman become protective. Laurence remains perfectly capable of command; it is only that he can't help but be absent-minded, sometimes, staring at all the crewmen that pass him like they are nothing but moving paintings. Images of a world that no longer matters.
One evening the midshipmen drag him away to a meal with the other officers. It's a noisy crowd; Laurence would find the friendly bustle comforting in another life.
One of the senior officers, Lieutenant Moore, waves him down as Laurence enters. Evidently they used to be friends, given his notably concerned behavior of late. Laurence can't remember the man, and has a sneaking suspicion he died too soon to make a lasting impression.Moore jostles him when Laurence sits at the long table. “Will! Did you get any letters with the last batch?”
A patrolling gunboat brought a satchel of letters just this morning. “I did not,” Laurence says. He's grateful for the fact. He'd found a few pieces of correspondence in his quarters that he dutifully sent on; he cannot imagine writing a letter now, in this confused state.
“Then you've had no news! Robespierre has gone mad. Madder than before, I suppose.”
“Robespierre?” asks Laurence blankly.
Lieutenant Moore double-takes, as does everyone else around them. “Good lord, Will, please tell me you remember Robespierre?”
Right... Robespierre's reign was brief, but this is when he led France. Some of the things the papers published...
Well, at least Laurence has a well-worn excuse for his ignorance. He plays up his malady: “Yes. I think I recall he was... French?”
Groans of horror mixed with amusement echo around the table. “...Well you aren't wrong,” says Moore, looking pained. “He has styled himself the 'President' of their Assembly, which is some stupid way of being king; the French are all mad about removing and adding words right now. I don't know how they expect anyone to hold a conversation.”
“We should... probably educate Mr. Laurence about the war at some point,” some midshipman mutters. Laurence doesn't recall his name.
Moore sighs again. “Anyway. Robespierre is a tyrant, of course. But he's elected someone else to rule France! Barely more than a boy, too.”
Laurence frowns; he doesn't remember what Moore's talking about. “Why would he do that? Did they capture one of the Bourbons?” Declaring himself regent of a child-prince would at least make sense.
“Well, at least you remember them. No; it is some nobody, a young soldier. Not even French! I cannot fathom it.”
It feels like Laurence has been dunked in ice.
For a moment he can't respond. “What was his name? The soldier.”
“Napoleon Bonaparte. He has been chosen as head of their new heresy, the 'Cult of the Supreme Being,' they're calling it; and now de facto head of the government, too. Must be a priest? I don't know, nothing the French are doing makes sense. I expect his little group will be as short-lived as everything else about these riots.”
But Laurence doesn't think so. “...Excuse me; I'm feeling a bit poorly,” he says, rising on wavering legs.
“Yes, you look it! Go on, we'll tell you about the war later...”
Laurence flees.
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crispychildren · 1 month
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GOT MY BRACES REMOVED TODAY YAY!!!! Jus look at those teef :33 they feel so smooth 😖 so heres like three drawings i did at my Grammy's :P
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goatmilksoda · 7 months
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You know, when the pandemic hit, I didn't get the horror a lot of people felt. I read 55 books in 2020 alone and aced AP history and pursued every interest that crossed my path with the feeling that I had this beautiful amount of unpredictable time-- so there was no time to waste (jigsaw puzzles, cooking, baking, hiking, reading, woodworking, crochet, writing, knitting all had to happen right then!)! Who knew when they'd call it "over" and I'd have to go back to school! It was magical and I had never been happier.
Now, I feel like I am feeling the horror so many people felt at the height of the pandemic at my 45 hour a week job.
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the-art-cave · 1 year
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teknikolor-walters · 6 months
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oh yeah today was the day i'd planned to kms while i was gone. um. that's wild. here's to making it to my birthday next month
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nyoxt-was-here · 1 year
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Maybe an Overwhelming Existential Dread is actually a good motivator for posting art for me.
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diviinaee · 1 year
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rant/vent wtv technically could also be a hot take
deadass scared to keep posting my ocs bc like
like a part of me doesn't care bc they're my ocs but at the same time i feel like i could do ppl a favor and make male ocs or nonbinary ocs or etc.
I've realized most of them are feminine. like a majority.... and I've seen that people think that's... not okay?
little vague trauma dump but I've always had a weak grasp on femininity ever since i was a wee lil baby. being able to put non-feminine parts of myself in characters that ARE feminine is just a way of healing for me to see that i can be myself and still reclaim that sense of my identity that was taken from me so suddenly
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beansnpeets · 2 years
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Gonna ask my boss for a raise tomorrow I think. I do not make enough money right now. Period. Like I get by okay because Jon is supporting me financially, but if I were to be on my own I'd never get by.
The way prices have been going up on everything is insane. I didn't realize how much I'd been spending on groceries. I'm spending a LOT more than I should have to on just groceries. I'm so beyond frustrated and afraid. I'm tired. I'm anxious. Everything is falling apart and there is nothing I can do.
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venting-town · 2 years
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Imagine being kidnapped as a child whilst you were being sex trafficked and nobody knew except for the people who kidnapped you and the abuser who sold you out to them
The guy kidnapped me because I told the step-bastard that he had hurt me really bad while fucking me ( or something around those lines )
I don’t know exactly what happened to be honest, maybe I told him after he got me back? Maybe both
But I was there with him ( the guy/people who kidnapped me ) for like a week? And guess what???
NOBODY FUCKING KNEW!!!!!! LOL!!!!!
I know I said that already but it’s so funny to me that NOBODY KNEW I WAS MISSING?!?!? HELLO!?!?!?!
And I don’t think it’s funny that it happens to others!!! HELL no it’s NOT funny when it happens to other beings!!!!
My situation is just funny to me because… how the fuck?!? I don’t even know how to explain!!!!!
It’s more of a “ pissed the FUCK OFF “ kind of funny in my case for me, because like… HOW?!?!?
How did NOBODY else know!?!?
Fucking stupid ass failure adults and creators and being(s) that made this shit!!!!! Fucking bastards!!!!!!!!!
#vent#tw vent#vent 12/10/22#tw existential angst#tw existential dread#tw existential bullshit#tw existential crisis#tw csa#csa mention#tw rape#tw child abuse#child sex abuse#child sex trafficking#tw sex trafficking#tw kidnap mention#tw kidnapping#I was gone for a week!!! or more!!!!!!! HOW THE FUCK DID NOBODY ELSE QUESTION WHY THE FUCK I WENT MISSING?!?!#I DO know one part. because the step-father told everybody I ‘ went camping ‘ or some shit. so he wouldn’t get caught#OH YES I went ‘ camping ‘ alright. camping at several fuckers homes/places because I was a fucking sex object for others#MAINLY due to earning money for the abuser or pleasure for the abuser/others#GOD!!! fucking stupid ass fuckers!!!!!! fuck this stupid shit that we’ve made/created/etc and others have made/created/etc!!!!!!#I fucking despise the original(?)/‘original(?)’ creator(s) and observer(s) and this fuck all/some/none/etc shit!!!!!!#the SAME dumbass bullshit that’s been happening because… being and/or not being and/or both neither all none done etc!!!!!!!#rape mention#the only reason I got to ‘ come home ‘ was because my abuser had to pay money to get me back!!!!!#and he was pissed off AT ME for the stupid shit HE CAUSED!!!! like it was MY fault that I was kidnapped!!! LOL#and he told me angrily that he spent a lot of money to get me back. and that I needed to ‘ work hard ‘ ( aka get more money by being fucked#continuously ) because he lost so much. come the FUCK ON bro!!!!!#tw dad#tw dad mention
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hopalongfairywrens · 14 days
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This feels different from the last two autumns smh
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anime-is-blood · 6 months
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I think I've crawled out from inside my own head a bit more
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shypaintervoid · 8 months
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There will be drought in the ides of June, and disease. It will be a hard year.
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allisonreader · 11 months
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Ack!
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