#but then its also like... lmao what if i waited until sunday. my first day off yk

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

Ogh!! I'm so sorry to hear that your work schedule was such poop regarding the update! If it makes you feel better, I would watch your stream regardless if I looked at the update already or not! Wouldn't say any spoilers, but I love how you perceive things regarding WH and I would no doubt love to see your reaction live regardless!

aw <3 thank you <3 i Deeply appreciate that!!

[ellivenollivander]

Hello!!!

If you feel up for it, may I request some of your Leander Prewett domestic fluff headcanons?

I feel like if there's anyone who can endear that boy to me, it is you.

❤️

OH lord no pressure I guess ~*~ Leander Prewett Domestic Headcanons - He's the type of guy where if he sees something in a store that reminds him of you he'll pick it up. Not necessarily big expensive things, but if he pops into a shop on an errand and sees your favorite candy? He's buying it. A certain ingredient is on sale at J. Pippins? He'll remember how you mentioned you were running low and pick some up for you. (And will vehemently deny any request to pay him back.) When it does come to bigger gifts, it's the same concept. He always has a running list in his mind for holidays and birthdays of things he's seen that remind him of you. You often find bits of parchment lying around your house of scribbled notes and reminders for himself. - He will be the first to apologize after a fight or disagreement. He may not apologize for what he believes, or what he said. But he will apologize for how he said it or for playing a part that made the disagreement more volatile than it needed to be. - BIG FAMILY GUY, He's known since he was young that he couldn't wait to be a husband and a father, to have a family. To have dinners around the table every night, starting your own family traditions, etc. You and the kids will be his entire world. His family oriented self includes extended family as well. He wants to host the holiday parties, for his kids to grow up close with their cousins and aunts and uncles and grandparents. He will never complain about the weekly Sunday dinners at your parents house, or Friday game nights at his. - He's not big on pet names, especially not in public. But once you're married (and he convinces you to take his name, also very important to him), he will love to call you his wife/husband. He will literally never get over it. You think it's the honeymoon stage, but 18 years down the road he will still wrap his arms around your waist and whisper in your ear, "Did you know I love you Mr/Mrs. Prewett?" - If you cook, he cleans. If you get the kids ready for the day, he'll put them to bed. He believes in an equally balanced domestic workload - When it comes to parenting differences, he will never undermine you in front of the children. He'll back you up and then discuss how he feels when its just the two of you. - Speaking of parenting, he has all of the patience in the world with your kids until they are outwardly disrespectful towards you, that's when his patience wears thin and he will be quick to sternly chastise and discipline them. "You do not talk to my wife/husband that way." - When you first move in together, he gives you full creative control over decorating your shared space. He just wants you to feel safe and comfortable in your home with him. and honestly if it was up to him, he'd live with empty walls and bare bones furniture anyway. ~*~ That's all I can really think of for now but I'm sure I'll think of more later lmao THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR ASKING ME THIS IT WAS FUN I LOVE YOU SO MUCH, BABES <3

[ysabelmystic]

Top 5 worst times you got into trouble as a kid.

Ohhhh man this is gonna be a hard one to answer because undiagnosed ADHD and Autism does not mix well with authoritarian bullshit. Plus, the stuff I got away with is generally worse, a lot funnier, and more extensive. But here's 5 things I can think of off the top of my head.

I caused several thousand dollars worth of damage because 2-year-old me decided that our rented house's white carpet needed an introduction to my mom's red nail polish- color theory hospital style. Thankfully, our landlord was my mom's best friend, and after several cleaning attempts, she decided to eat the cost. I only know about this because both of them bring it up at least twice a year.

From ages 6-9, my parents forced me to do this stupid church soccer club thing because my dad was obsessed with soccer and my brother was practically a soccer prodigy. I didn't care for it one bit. We always had to rush dinner to make it to soccer practice on time, so in my head, I figured that if we couldn't eat dinner, we couldn't make it to soccer practice. We were having spaghetti that night, and you can't have spaghetti without sauce, so after a lot of unsuccessful crying, begging, and pleading, I took the whole pot of spaghetti sauce and dumped it on the floor. I avoided soccer practice, but I also got ultra-grounded for a month. All I had in my room was a mattress. Everything else was taken away. And that's when I discovered the power of dissociative daydreaming, and I can now mentally check out of any situation at, and against, my will! (My mother has since apologized, but also I am the reason I will never have biological children lmao).

Here's a funny one. On their anniversary weekend, my parents left my brother and I with my grandparents on my dad's side. This had its pros and cons. On the one hand, they had a pool, and never supervised what we watched on TV. On the other hand, that set of grandparents wouldn't let us skip church, and they went to a different church. It didn't even have a Sunday School. I was about 9 or 10, so I was deemed old enough to pack my own suitcase. I purposefully brought along my most raggedy yard clothes, thinking that would get me out of going. Come Sunday morning, I learned that unfortunately, cargo shorts and an old t-shirt did not grant me an exemption, so I had to come up with something else. After getting my brother and I fed and dressed, my grandparents went off to attend to themselves, leaving the both of us unsupervised. Their mistake. My brother and I went out into the backyard to play catch while we waited. It was then that I had an idea. My brother was about 7, still young enough that he would do just about anything I asked him, so it took him about 5 seconds to convince him that it would be both hilarious and fun if he jumped in the pool, fully dressed in his good church clothes. My grandparents were fucking piiiiissssssssed. My brother didn't have any spare clothes so my grandma had to throw everything in the dryer while I got the "wait until your parents come home" speech and a TV ban for the rest of the day. However, when my parents found out, my dad thought it was so funny that I pretty much got away with it. Oh, and we still had to go to church. We made it to the last 30 minutes of service.

My mom's contribution: I was taught about Jackon Pollock in kindergarten and inflicted my newfound splatterpaint skills upon our white cabinets, the kitchen walls, and the hallway. There's a theme with my crimes. My artistic expression could not be stopped.

I earned my first formal exorcism because I had the audacity to ask what happened to the fish during The Flood. "They didn't need to be in the boat" Well Sharon what about water salinity? How did the fish not die from the change in water chemistry? Did Noah have wooden fish tanks? Did someone have to go to every country to get the fish and a sample of their native waters? Anyways, because I was like...8, this was a sign that I had Demons, and this required them to drag me into the hallway and spend the next 30 minutes dousing me in anointing oil and demanding that Satan leave my body. Yeet!

[jewelsunrays]

On Saturday I went for a bra fitting. I was kinda nervous, I thought standing there in my bra (crop top) would be really intimidating and I’d get body conscious. Especially considering what a late bloomer I am and that I’d never actually worn bras until that fitting. It went considerably better than expected though, but I did get confused on how much eye contact is appropriate to give to the woman who is gesturing to your boobs and her own boobs and discussing boobs and so on and so forth.

We got a Taco Bell after. There are only about 30 Taco Bells in the UK as opposed to hundreds, maybe a thousand?, McDonalds and such, so I really wanted to take the opportunity to try what I’d heard many people praise highly. It was good, but kinda mid. The way everyone claimed it to be great but it was just like something I could easily throw together at home but better was unfortunate but I’d still eat it again to be honest.

Then we went shopping. Growing up (by growing up I mean any time before 2020 where I feel all my life experiences and childhood truly ended) I’d never been a fan of shopping especially a shopping spree for hours as I’d get easily overwhelmed in changing rooms, with all the crowds and the noise, the heat and the ache of my feet. But in recent times I’ve learnt to tune out the negative in order to gather these life experiences even with all the bad mingled in, as I’ve ruined many moments that could’ve been formative experiences and great stories in the future by simply focusing on the negative and hiding in a corner and just spending my whole time trying to leave. Thats not really a way to live a life, so I tried my best to stay upbeat all day.

I’ve really been into brighter colours recently, so I bought some nice new tops, and a skirt for the first time ever. I also bought a dress but the skirt doesn’t suit my figure and makes my legs look bad, so I’ll perhaps have to get one with a skirt that flares out more like the skirt. I really went outside my comfort zone that day - a bra fitting, trying new food and drinks (that strawberry + mango ice drink was amazing), buying clothes that I’d probably be scared to wear or buy two years ago. I really hope I can keep this up! I also bought some bras, some earrings, a lacy grey matching pyjama set and I almost forgot but it just hit me as I was writing - the cutest converse trainers ever! They were like normal black high-top Converse but with pretty pastel flowers embroidered into the side and a pastel purple sole. I think I got emotional seeing them in the store and realising I could wear them.

So that was truly the first time I’d ever enjoyed shopping even though my mum’s bank account is probably suffering. I can’t wait for the opportunity to wear my new clothes, hopefully at Wetherspoons this Sunday if mum keeps to her word? I suppose she’ll forget though lmao.

Right now there is the most atrocious heatwave imaginable in the UK. It reached 34°C today, what a sick joke. And my friends from other countries are like ‘um damn ok’ and don’t really understand that - according to people that have actually been abroad - UK heat is just the absolute worst, we’re not built for this. Neither the cities or the houses or the people are built for this. My younger brother is staying off school because my mum fears for his health, that’s how sickly this heat is. I am trying to cherish it and would like to go on a walk but I know realistically I will pass out. Worse, all the ice cream and lollies in supermarkets have sold out so we can’t keep cool through that :(

I can’t wait for winter even though I know it will probably be depressing. My favourite weather, my least favourite time of year, if that makes sense. Even though I love Christmas despite its painfulness. I just love the cold and rain and snow despite the vibes that come with the heat is absolutely unmatched. This is why autumn and spring are rivalled for my favourite seasons, you get a good healthy mix of both weathers.

Also, if I get to go on a shopping trip to buy winter clothes to last me between October-May I will be so excited oh my gosh

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 296: Ngl, This One Pissed Me Off

Previously on BnHA: Deku was all, “p.s. I actually activated yet another quirk several chapters ago when Kacchan got stabbed.” Compress was all, “[gets captured and passes out].” Spinner was all “[rifles through Tomura’s pockets and slaps a random Charbroiled Hand onto his friend’s unconscious face].” Tomura was all, “SOMEHOW THAT ACTUALLY WORKED” and woke up again, except it wasn’t really him, it was everyone’s favorite Final Villain, AFO. AFO was all, “time to escape finally” and summoned a bunch of Noumu and Absconded with Spinner and the DabiMarble in tow. Skeptic was all, “Horikoshi forgot I existed, but I’m actually Absconding in marble-form as well.” Deku was all, “ATTENTION WORLD, I WOULD LIKE TO ANNOUNCE THAT I OFFICIALLY WANT TO SAVE SHIGARAKI TOMURA.” And then the arc just sort of ended lol.

Today on BnHA: Horikoshi is all, “but when you think about it, do we really need literally any female teachers at U.A. at all?” and for whatever reason doesn’t stop to wait for an answer. Midnight, who absolutely did not need to die, Dies, and I’m pissed about it. Ochako wanders the ruins of Jakku for what feels like hours, rescuing small children while her adult hero compatriots fall to pieces around her, because apparently the U.A. kids really are the only people who have their shit together. The citizens of Japan are all “damn that’s wild, wonder how fucked we are now,” but are actually super casual and chill about it which is oddly realistic. The chapter ends with AFO in Tartarus being all “lol time for the prison break arc,” without giving us so much as a chance to catch our breath, like holy shit. Are we on the clock or something now, goddamn.

lmao it’s like 7pm on a Sunday night and this is out already. this is like the worst possible timing lol. there goes my nice, relaxed evening. unless of course this turns out to be a nice, restful, soothing chapter, as chapters coming on the heels of traumatic, earth-shattering battles so often are. yeah, break out the Pina Colada song and the little drink umbrellas, I got a good feeling about this one

(ETA: I mean, I was obviously being sarcastic here but damn, Horikoshi.)

-- fff why did I laugh

it’s the crumbling city ruins in the background that really does it, I think. JUST LOOK AT THIS MESS THAT YOU HAVE MADE, EVERYONE. FOR SHAME

also, the title is dramatic af and I am so fucking excited you guys, like holy shit. BnHA’s In-Between arcs have always been my favorite part of the series, because it’s when all the character development and angst and/or catharsis happens. just, those little breathing spaces in between the action when everyone gathers to recuperate and compartmentalize their fresh new traumas lmao. bring on that angst!! but also, let’s please have some Comfort to offset all of this Hurt too, please and thanks

blah blah blah so the survivors were evacuated, good good, can you actually show us though?

AHHHHHHH

PIXIE BOB SURVIVED!!!! WASH IS STILL ALIVE LMAO HOW. THIRTEEN’S FACE, OMG SHOULD I LOOK AWAY. IS IT LIKE MANDALORIAN RULES. IDK HOW IT WORKS

HOW THE FUCK ARE THEY ALIVE. LOLS ANYWAY I’M HERE FOR IT. FEEL FREE NOT TO KILL ANYONE ELSE HERE HORIKOSHI, I THINK WE’RE GOOD

(ETA: it’s like talking to a brick wall.)

oh my god do we really need exposition about how the heroes tried to stop TomurAFO from escaping and OF COURSE failed completely because they suck lmao. oh my god I am shocked, that is such shocking news

wow they only managed to defeat three of the Noumus. holy shit. again, all of the Not-Kid Heroes are only slightly more useful than cardboard cutouts of heroes at this point, MORE AT ELEVEN

so Tomura may have lost the PLF, but he still more or less has an army then, huh. I really don’t know how anyone could expect a timeskip with that threat looming over everyone’s heads

oh nvm lol there are only seven Noumus left. wait so you’re telling me there were only ten Nearly High Ends in that last chapter?? felt more like fifty but whatever lol I’ll take your word for it

COMPRESS YAY YOU’RE ALIVE TOO

MAYBE THEY CAN EVEN REATTACH HIS ASS. I’M SERIOUS LOL, BECAUSE HE STILL HAS IT, DOESN’T HE? OR IF NOT, THEY CAN REBUILD HIM WITH A PROSTHETIC ASS. he’ll be more powerful than ever

WHAAAAAAT YEAH BOIIIII

WOOO, EDGESHOT, WOOOOO. THAT’S HIS WAY OF THE NINJA

YEAHHHHH SUCK IT, PLF

(ETA: for the record I don’t think Cementoss is dead here, just badly wounded. if he had died he would have been included in the forthcoming In Memoriam page along with the others.)

GET BENT LOL. TRUMPET I FOR REAL FORGOT YOU EVEN EXISTED. I NEVER WANT TO SEE ANY OF YOU LOSERS AGAIN PLEASE. ONLY INTERESTING CHARACTERS MAY PROCEED PAST THIS POINT

dsflksaldkh;l

that’s... holy shit. that’s a bigass mansion, that’s what that is. also so does this mean there are still eighty thousand PLF members still at large, because that’s a plot line I very much do not care about in any way whatsoever lol. can’t we just retcon to say that Re-Destro was exaggerating? I mean hell, a CEO criminal pulling some Enron-type bullshit is pretty believable, isn’t it? those poor bamboozled shareholders

“makeste, here’s an idea, what if you scrolled down to read the rest of the page” lol gtfo of here with your logic and your sense

well those 132 people have made it onto my enemies list, but at least it sounds like they more or less took care of the rest. good riddance

and Toga escaped, as we knew already, and is now on the lam. hopefully she reunites with the League again at some point. although her doing her own thing could also be very interesting. idk what I want lol

anyway so there’s another big panel showing how fucked up the city is, just in case it hadn’t already been hammered into our skulls yet. there’s a car dangling off a roof somehow. how does that even happen. did Machia pick it up and put it there or

NOOO OMG RANDOM SMALL CHILDREN IN PERIL WHAT IS THIS

OCHAKO PLEASE SAVE THEM OMG

“if it falls on me, I want you to have my Endeavor pouch” OH MY STARS. HIS MOST PRECIOUS POSSESSION. NO MY CHILD YOU CAN’T GIVE UP HOPE YET

LMAO

“FOR THE LAST TIME NOBODY CARES ABOUT YOUR DUSTY-ASS POUCH, KYLE” fffff these children are dying and I am cracking up so hard my eyes are tearing up what is wrong with me

YAY THEY SAVED THEM

but listen. not that I don’t love seeing the girls kick ass, because you know I do. but I also really, REALLY need to know what’s going down with the Musketeers, and I’m not looking forward to waiting three whole weeks for that so please Horikoshi. please hurry this along so we can get to them

goddamn it Tsuyu is saying she’ll take the boy to the shelter to get first aid, and I was all “okay great because that’s probably where Kacchan and the others are too”, but now someone else is shouting for help and Ochako’s all “I’ll go” and it’s like OKAY BUT PLEASE? this chapter is already more than half over omfg. ‘bout to start wringing some hands here

oh my god

is this Toga again??? WHAT THE HELL, THIS CREEPYASS HALF-DEAD DUDE BETTER BE LEADING UP TO SOMETHING INTERESTING, I AM REALLY GETTING IMPATIENT

OR, I GUESS, WE COULD DO THIS INSTEAD

“SO AS IT TURNS OUT, NOT EVERY CHARACTER WHO NEEDS HELP SAVING THEIR SPOUSE FROM FALLEN RUBBLE IS ACTUALLY TOGA IN DISGUISE” HUH, OKAY. DULY NOTED. FILED AWAY FOR FUTURE REFERENCE

but fucking... okay, look. I love Ochako, I do. but I like her a whole lot more when she’s interacting with other characters I actually care about, as opposed to running around in the rubble rescuing random people while the fate of my other children is still up in the air. like okay, I get it, shit’s bad, now if you don’t mind we really don’t have to spend all day here though

...anyways but nope, we’re still staying with her. she’s bouncing around rescuing all of these other people. omg. I literally have no patience here at all and it’s terrible, I know, but oh my god

omg finally something interesting is happening!!

look at that, an adult hero standing around being useless while the kids are busy getting shit done. why is this becoming a recurring theme

MY DUDE, THIS IS SERIOUSLY NOT THE TIME THOUGH

I GET THAT IT’S OVERWHELMING AND THAT YOU’RE TRAUMATIZED AND SHIT, BUT GUESS WHAT, SO IS EVERYONE ELSE. THAT’S WHAT YOU SIGNED UP FOR. JUST LOOK AT OCHAKO! SHE’S SO EXHAUSTED HER HAIR HAS EVEN LOST ITS FLOOF, AND YET SHE’S STILL OUT HERE DOING HER BEST. ONE SAVE AT A TIME MY MAN. GET IT DONE. LITERALLY A SMALL CHILD IN THE BOTTOM RIGHT CALLING FOR THEIR MOMMY AND YOU’RE JUST STANDING THERE ALL “WAHH IT’S TOO MUCH” LIKE COULD YOU PLEASE POSTPONE YOUR CRISIS UNTIL AFTER YOU SAVE THEM PLEASE

OH MY GOD

MAYBE YOU SHOULD!! oh my god I really cannot, like wow. oh no I actually have to save people and do my job, god forbid. jesus christ, at least the other heroes tried. but Moping Hero: Bellyache here is just throwing in the towel and fuck everyone who still needs his help I guess. you are like the anti-Deku my dude

OH MY GOD OH MY GOD NO OH FUCK

THAT’S MIDNIGHT’S HAND OH FU -- SHE BETTER NOT -- HORIKOSHI I SWEAR TO GOD --

I’M GONNA LOSE IT I REALLY AM!!!!

HOLY SHIT HOW INTENSE OF A RAGE DO I NEED TO BRACE MYSELF TO BE FEELING HERE. THIS CHAPTER WAS ALREADY TRENDING TOWARDS DISAPPOINTMENT, DO WE REALLY NEED TO GO AND COMPOUND THAT

WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON

you’re telling me Tomura wasn’t brought back by that electric shock, but by his “fuck you” attitude? why are you explaining this to us now, again??

......

HEY, SO UM, FUCK ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING ABOUT THIS, THOUGH. (: OH MAN. OHHHHHH MAN. I HAVE... I HAVE GOT A LOT OF WORDS FOR THIS AND HERE ARE SOME OF THEM

FUCK

THINGS THAT SHOULD BE IN THE DICTIONARY NEXT TO “SOME BULLSHIT”: THIS

FUCK

GET FUCKED HORIKOSHI

AND ALSO PLEASE FUCK RIGHT OFF!!

AND SERIOUSLY THOUGH FUCK YOU

NO BUT YOU KNOW WHAT THOUGH!! YOU COULD HAVE KILLED OFF ANYONE. LITERALLY ANY CHARACTER. YOU HAD TWELVE FEMALE PROS. TWELVE. YOU COULD HAVE MADE MORE OF THEM. PROBABLY, IF THERE ACTUALLY WERE SUPERHEROES IN REAL LIFE, THERE WOULD BE MORE THAN TWELVE OF THEM IN AN ENTIRE NATION. BUT NO, YOU WERE ALL “TWELVE IS MORE THAN ENOUGH.” AND THEN WHEN IT CAME TIME TO KILL PEOPLE OFF, YOU WERE ALL “WELL ALL RIGHT THEN, LET’S SEE, I PICK... THESE 18 RANDOM SIDE CHARACTERS WITH LITTLE TO NO DIALOGUE, PLUS THE ONE SINGLE FEMALE U.A. STAFF MEMBER WE ACTUALLY HAD. YEAH THAT OUGHTA DO IT”

AND BY THE WAY, HORIKOSHI, I PICKED SOMETHING UP FOR YOU ON MY WAY HOME, HERE IT IS, ┌П┐(・＿・) do you like it it was on sale. I saw it and was like, “Horikoshi would really like that.” so there you go. sorry it wasn’t gift-wrapped

p.s. I hope y’all can tell that that’s supposed to be a middle finger and not... something else lmao. er. anyway

(ETA: so I got a few asks from people who were really put off by this part of the reaction post, and so I’m just adding an extra note here to make it clear that I do not actually wish harm on Horikoshi in any way or even particularly dislike him. I wasn’t happy about Midnight’s death and I wanted to convey that, and so I went with my usual LOUD CAPSLOCK REACTION tone, but looking back on it I can see that it’s kind of a lot, lol. 

so just to be clear, the “fuck you” stuff is almost entirely tongue-in-cheek. that’s on me, I forget sometimes that there are people who share these sentiments unironically and so I didn’t think to make sure my intended meaning here was clear. anyways, killing Midnight was still a really problematic decision for numerous reasons but it is what it is. Horikoshi is not perfect, the story isn’t perfect, and I’m not gonna pretend like it is, but again just to be clear, I don’t harbor any actual ill will toward Horikoshi here.)

shit. and wow this man really went and killed off fucking Mystic too on top of that. have you ever seen a character fail so spectacularly at living up to their hype. r.i.p. Mystic you were like the Star Wars sequel of characters

(ETA: I have no fucking idea why I keep thinking Majestic’s name is Mystic lol. rest in peace you old scarecrowy bastard.)

and poor Momo, though. fuck. lost two mentors in a single day. and do not even get me started on Aizawa holy shit

so now we’re cutting to some random townspeople who are gossiping about the Todoroki drama. this is actually interesting in spite of my newfound determination to hate this chapter lol

ngl I am kind of heartened to see that not everyone fell for Dabi’s bs hook line and sinker though. Jeanist returning from the dead literally two seconds after Dabi was all “I SWEAR ON MY HONOR AS A VILLAIN THAT HAWKS MURDERED HIM” probably helped with that a bit! but there will doubtless be many other people who do believe him, or are at least still inclined to side-eye the heroes in general either way given how much they sucked in this arc. very, very interesting

so it seems though that even more than the whole Endeavor reveal, at the end of the day it’s going to be the heroes failing to live up to their end of the “put your faith in us and let us use our quirks and in return we’ll protect everyone and keep them safe” implied social contract that’s going to have the biggest impact on people’s opinions moving forward. basically this was always going to be a disaster no matter what

OH MY GOD FINALLY AHHHHH

Horikoshi really tapped into some of the real-life political energy of the past few years huh. Fuck Him Still for killing off Midnight, but I will admit that so far this is hella intriguing and I am really, really curious to see where things go from here

OH MY GOD THE LITTLE KIDS FROM THE BABYSITTING ARC

“FIVE PEEPEE MAN WOULDN’T LIE TO US” YES CHILDREN YOU’RE ABSOLUTELY RIGHT. at least the little ones still have faith

UM

 ( •̀ へ •́  )

that’s great. that’s really keen. all we need right now, amirite

GOOD FOR YOU, YOU PIECE OF SHIT

let’s just wait for him to explain what he feels. you know he likes to drag it out

is that Dabi crouched down there next to Spinner? looks like they got him out of the marble after all. but why has his hair changed colors again lol what

anyways. your turn to what??

:’) excuse me what

hahahaha are you fucking kidding me. and that’s where we’re going to end the chapter then. lol okay

so let’s recap. Midnight died. we spent ten hours watching Ochako dig people out of rubble for no apparent reason and were then introduced to my new least favorite character, and because Ochako is so nice she didn’t even punch him in the face even though she really should have. we did not get any Kacchan or Shouto. we got one panel of Deku, who is Finally Asleep. and the chapter ended with AFO ordering his Noumus to go set free, AND I QUOTE, HIS “MAIN BODY.” and now I gotta wait an entire week for Caleb’s translation to confirm that last part. omg

but it sounds like a prison break is imminent, which is very, very interesting. ...and actually, is it weird that I’m actually rooting for it to be a success? I have no idea what this guy is planning, but I do know that as long as the main part of his soul is still residing in Tomura’s body, Tomura’s chance of surviving the series is close to zero. and villain though he may be, I’m still rooting for his redemption (nice to have Deku on my side now too), and so yeah. so like if AFO feels like using some latent Exorcism Quirk or something that he’s been saving for just such an occasion, be my guest lol

meanwhile this doesn’t bode well for All Might though. or anyone else aside from Tomura, really. shiiiit

anyway. [slaps roof of chapter] this baby can fit so much bullshit in it

[1ddotdhq]

💿Sun 13 Dec ‘20💙

Happy Birthday, Fine Line! Have a Louis show! (Seriously, why can’t I get cool shows for my birthday like that??). So today’s been a busy week, huh? 

It is, of course, Fine Line’s anniversary, and the celebration kicked off last night, with a twitter emoji (it's Harrrry! Doing the FL pose so so tiny!) and the DYKWYA website changing. It’s pink and black and blue and white, and now tells us that we’re “loyal” and “marvelous” and “memorable” and “powerful” and “rare” and “real” and “staying six feet apart” (or 70 other lovely options). So either HSHQ got their thesaurus out, or they tuned into Louis’ show last night, because that’s EXACTLY how I would describe it. Anyways, the day started with a Harry sighting! Well, a video from last week that is, of him doing a MakeaWish FaceTime in a blue snapback. And then there was a Harry Lambert interview, where he directly addressed the discourse around Harry’s fashion choices, saying, “Harry will never wear something that he doesn’t want to wear...I always say, 'I‘m not doing my job if I’m making someone wear things' because I just think if someone gets comfortable in what they’re wearing, then it doesn’t matter if I think it looks good.” He went on to say, “There’s never an element of me forcing him to wear anything”. So - TAKE THAT, transphobes! We all recognize that saying “the mean gay man is making Harry look gay/genderqueer” is, uh, a REALLY bad take, right? Anyways, hopefully that’s the end of it, but we all know it won’t be. He also told us that Harry chose the (fake) pearls, asking “can I just wear these every day?” and they were only replaced with real ones after that strand broke, that he tried to get H out of the Vans for the Golden vid but he said nah, and about the Golden and WS videos “I kind of saw it as the same man just in a different place in the world” which, well- yeah? But the implication that that man was not Harry is interesting. Aside from that, we got some more terrible merch from HSHQ (including a shirt that is a glove with legs stuck on it, wtf), a few celebratory tweets from HSHQ, The Forum, Jeff Azoff (there's a theme here lol) etc, AND! A post from Harry himself: “I couldn’t be more grateful for you all continually finding new ways to change my life. Thank you for listening, and for everything else. I love you always, but especially today. H”. What? That’s his name, isn’t it? 

But, of course, H wasn’t the only one celebrating online today! Louis came back and answered some of our questions about the show. The first is that he sold over - are you ready for this? - OVER 160,000 tickets for the show, making it the biggest online show of 2020 by a solo male artist, and the third largest overall of the year. Even the Sun had to admit how “exceptional” that is, describing the show as "the equivalent of eight nights at London’s O2 Arena." Doing the math, this means he raised over $3.1 million from ticket sales alone! HOLY SHIT! Hearing that, Louis came on twitter to say (in reply to a quote by his PR company lmao), “This is truly incredible. No major label, no radio, yet here we are. The feeling of support I get from you all every time I do something is unbelievable. Forever Thankful! And they never see us coming!”. Of course, this incited another round of label discourse, wondering if this means he is still an unsigned artist. Does this simply mean the livestream wasn't put on by a label, yes, does Louis absolutely know about the discourse and is he being deliberate, I would also say unmistakeably yes. Which is not to say we know ELSE it might mean -- is he signed to an indie? Still label shopping and waving how much more they need him than vice versa in the hopefuls' faces? Signed but the contract doesn't start until there's a record in play (which when you negotiate your own contract and establish artistic freedom, as we can be very sure was Louis' priority, is what labels DO - they don’t manage every aspect of an artists career)? Signed by a major label, but shading the FUCK out of Syco about radio play for Walls? What we DO know is that it wasn't a label that put the livestream on, and damn if that doesn’t make it 1000% more badass. “Memorable”, “powerful”, and “rare” indeed! He’s still early in the process of LT2, as he told us yesterday, so we might have to wait a little longer to figure out what’s happening business-wise, but he made sure to tell everyone that his fans were an integral part of his processing the most inspiring way possible: “the power and the magic comes from the people you guys,” I COULD CRY that's MY inspirational leader THANK YOU. He goes on to say “don't undermine your role in all this... together with your support we're unstoppable!” He also called us “fucking relentless” (god knows that's true) as Walls hit the charts AGAIN, and talked about how the money raised will go a long way. “WE did that!!”

And with that, let’s talk a little bit more about last night’s (“bold”, “extraordinary”) show! ‘‘Copy’ is making its rounds on the internet, but YouTube continues to take down recordings of the show, which SUCKS, because everyone should be able to see it! Maybe in a few days when some time has passed, they’ll let it go up without an issue, or maybe they'll answer our pleas (come through one more time Louis!) and put out a DVD (and live album too how about, YES? Yes.), til then there are the downloads going around tumblr! Good thing we got Louis' seal of approval or just imagine the discourse. The ‘H’ shirt Louis was wearing last night is a Reebok shirt, which was being distributed in a few different places, such one where you could get a discount if you used the code ‘HL40’ and another where it was $28, lol. Was it the loudest Louis shirt ever- I mean I would say an unqualified NO but many are voting YES and are reeling so that's really fun! Welcome to the gang guys. Not likely to win any awards for being loud with such incredible competition but still very good SBBing-- Louis was wearing a stuffed bear t shirt in rehearsal pics. When you know you know, I guess! ;) The band is also soaking in the praises (as they should!) and have been re-posting fans’ stories on Instagram all day (as did LTHQ) - cheers, boys! 

Today’s Liam and Roman alarm was ALL us (well, not allll us, Roman did explain that the alarms would feature fans every Sunday, but then he handed the mic over). “Waking up to Liam and Roman is the best thing EVER! I don’t know why it gives me so much serotonin,” said one fan. I do! It’s because Liam is a real, live puppy dog and he’s so genuinely sweet to his fans. Love him lots, but I love him even MORE when he’s ON the advent alarm!

[babyflossy]

eccedentesiast (n)

eccedentesiast (n)  someone who hides pain behind a smile

pairing; bodyguard!haechan x reader

summary; haechan is nothing more than someone employed to keep you safe. at least, that’s what you keep telling yourself. but why is it so hard to just see him as that?

genre/warnings; bodyguard au, angst (?), fluff, violence, a poisoning, half-edited, also i'm sorry that hyunjin is always my go to for another male lead lmao my skz bias is showing

word count; 7k baby

a/n; after nearly 3 months of writer’s block, i humbly offer you body guard haechan. i’m sorry if it sucks, i’m kinda rusty to get back into writing. any feedback is greatly appreciated!

it’s sunny outside, the golden morning rays of sunlight filtering through the blinds and onto your face. they warm the skin they manage to reach and you bask in the calmness, wrapped in soft bedsheets and silk bedclothes. if you squint into the light you can see the dust particles float around the beams, slowly swimming through around the window frame. the first noise you hear is a bird singing softly outside and a thought in the back of your mind reminds you it’s almost too peaceful. there must be a meeting going on downstairs, one you’re not trusted to appear at.

a knock on your door brings you back to reality and a sigh claws its way up your throat. your father’s personal assistant, sasha, pokes her head around the door and smiles slightly at your bed hair and the mismatched socks poking out the bottom of your duvet. “your father wants you downstairs in five minutes.”

“and what if i don’t?” in an attempt at appearing nonchalant you fix your gaze on the dying plant on your windowsill, refusing to meet her eyes.

“there’s someone you need to meet,” sasha says, piquing your interest and you give up on trying to defy your father’s wishes in favour of your curiosity. “so be down in five minutes, okay?”

the door clicks shut quietly and you check the time on your phone. 10:49am.

finally letting your sigh out and pushing your covers off your cold body, you reach for the first garment of clothing you spot. it’s a purple hoodie you stole from one of your exes and you pull it over your head with a strange sense on loneliness. how long had it been since you had contacted your college friends?

right before you leave the safe confines of your bedroom, a voice floats from the kitchen, one you don’t recognise. it strikes another wave of curiosity through you, this time accompanied by something akin to excitement. the hardwood floors of the hallway are slippery under your socks and you hurry down the stairs to the source of your interest.

whoever you had been expecting, none of them come close to the boy stood next to your dining table. a warm mop of hair sits on top of high cheekbones and tanned skin. the air leaves your lungs momentarily when his eyes meet yours, dark and calculating. you expect him to offer you a polite smile as most of your father’s business partners do, but his face remains in a stern mask. in would be unsettling if you had met in any other circumstances, you’re sure.

“y/n,” the voice of your father forces you to switch your gaze to him and you shoot him a questioning look. it holds no warmth, only looking for answers. “this is haechan,” the boy nods slightly in your direction at the mention of his name, “he’s your new bodyguard.”

you can’t help but let your eyebrows raise comically. that was probably the last thing you were expecting this morning. sure, there had been bodyguards in your past, but none of them stayed very long and you thought your parents had given up on finding one. “bodyguard?” there’s almost a mocking tone to your words and you like the way it makes your father sigh. “i thought you gave up after the last one.”

in the corner of your eyes, you see haechan’s brows quirk the slightest amount in what you think could be amusement. clearly, he has a lot to learn if he thinks he’ll last long.

“there’ve been some rather,” haechan focuses on your dad again as he starts speaking and your glad for the break from his eye contact. “unpleasant things being said about our family at the moment, and we think it’s best to keep an eye on you. so don’t do anything stupid.”

ah, you think, so that’s what he’s doing. this isn’t just to keep you safe, this is a way for your parents to monitor what you do and who you see, a glorified babysitter. that fact doesn’t sit well with you and you make a mental promise to make this as hard as possible for your new caretaker.

with a spark in your eyes you nod at your father and muster up the sweetest smile you can. “of course, father. anything for you.” the change in your voice doesn’t go unnoticed and he sends you a challenging glare which you choose to ignore, instead opting to smile at the taller boy and escape back up to your bedroom.

*

for the rest of the morning, haechan stands guard outside your bedroom door. as you had fled the thick atmosphere in the kitchen he'd followed behind with quick steps and he wasn't happy at being banished to the hallway. you weren't entirely sure what danger he thought would be lurking around your house at midday on a sunday, but he was on edge regardless.

finally free once again from the eyes of your steadily increasing number of babysitters, you let yourself fall onto your bed.

your own father doesn't trust you enough to live your life without the constant supervision of someone he decides is more credible than you. it hurts. it always does whenever he fails to conceal the way his job is more important than you are to him, his own daughter.

it hurts but you can't let it show. there's something powerful about appearing indifferent to things that are supposed to affect you, but maybe that's just founded on years of your parents missing important milestones. your first dance recital, your first win at a science fair, the first day of high school, the moment you found out about your college scholarship. none of it mattered to them, because nothing you ever did matters to them.

maybe this was an opportunity. an opportunity to get them to care about something more than their questionable business deals.

with a new mindset, you pull yourself away from the plush sheets and change into something other than a hoodie and fluffy socks.

"where are we going?" it's technically the first time you've actually heard haechan say anything to you, and his voice is surprisingly smooth. it's honey-like and velvety and way too appealing to listen to.

"shopping." it's stupid, but as you pass him you can't help but try and speed up, pathetically trying to outwalk him on your way to the garage. there's the distinctive sound of a hushed laugh behind you and the sound catches you off guard for a second. why do you like it so much?

a personal chauffeur drives you and haechan sat in the front seat leaving you alone in the back. the air is still and the silence is almost painful. you type away on your phone just to distract yourself from the fact you don't think you've ever been this quiet for this long before. haechan doesn't seem to notice the awkward tension in the car, however, and busies himself glaring at every car that passes.

for a sunday, the mall is busy and you find yourself stealthily dodging people who get in your way. haechan draws some stares as he follows close behind you, must less scared about bumping into people than you are. it's understandable– the all black get-up he's wearing makes him look a lot more menacing than he did in your family kitchen. along with his height and his inability to break eye contact first, it's quite a scary mix.

after a few minutes of walking in silence, you decide to at least try and make conversation. the one sentence he's said to you doesn't seem like enough for people set to spend all day every day together.

"how long have you been doing this?" the attempt is weak, but haechan seems surprised you've said anything to him. the focus of his stare switches to you and you suddenly feel small under it.

"long enough." before you can ask anything else, the surroundings have once again captured his attention and anything you say is drowned out by the indecipherable chatter around you. the scrutiny he puts everything around him under just from his gaze is admirable, and for a bodyguard, he certainly does tick all the boxes.

you're barely able to contain your sigh as you decide to take a different approach to gain his attention.

the first few shops you drag him into are innocent trips to buy clothes; there's a party you've been invited to in a few months and you have yet to find a suitable outfit. every attempt you make is ignored skillfully, every dress, skirt and pair of short shorts you hold up he pays no attention to.

when you've finally had enough, you spot a lingerie store with a wicked sense of delight.

"you can wait outside for this one," you tease with a smirk and an airy wave. at first, you're sure he's about to protest until he sees what shop you're leading him into and complies, stopping by the entrance to the store. as if to rub it in more, you taunt him once more. "unless you're curious what i wear underneath my clothes?" as you turn to head inside, you swear you see the faintest taint of pink over his tanned cheeks.

*

over the next few weeks, haechan seems to understand why none of your previous bodyguards have lasted long. it's also clear to him you'll do almost anything just to piss off your father, anything to get a reaction from him. in a way he feels sorry for you, having to go to such extremes for attention only to be shouted at by the one person who should care about you the most.

haechan has also learned to not mention your mother at all in any conversation where she's not present, as it without fail turns whatever mood you're in into a worse one. that's a whole other issue he doesn't want to rush into, however, and usually lets you do whatever you want.

after the first week, you'd finally started warming up to the idea of having him around you all the time. as much as you hated to admit, it was quite nice to have someone around whose primary role was to care about you.

it had been a long day, and it vaguely concerns haechan when you rush into your bedroom faster than usual, letting the door slam shut with a bang.

he doesn't hear anything else from you until after night has fallen and crying seeps into the hallway.

on instinct, it fills him with an anxious sort of unease and he knocks on your door. in the silence of the hallway, it's clear you're surprised to be disturbed as you stop sniffling for a second before opening the door slightly.

"are you okay?" you hear something in his voice that you haven't before; concern. every time haechan's shown worry or apprehension so far it's been in response to your surroundings, to the people around you. hearing such blatant worry for nothing other than your mental wellbeing only makes the tears fall faster and he doesn't know what to do.

all of his previous clients have been strictly physical protection, nothing similar to the struggles that are currently troubling you. with no clue what else to do, he slips in through the small crack in your door and envelopes his arms around you. the action is unexpected and you tense in surprise before melting into his embrace.

after a few minutes stood by the door, you let him pull you back to your bed, sitting against the headboard so you can rest your head in his lap. his fingers scrape gently through over your scalp and you can feel yourself being pulled into sleep.

a nagging thought in the back of your mind reminds you this is haechan, your bodyguard. nothing more, nothing less, just someone your father employed to keep you safe. in your fragile mental state, you decide to let yourself ignore that one night and let someone care for you.

in the morning, neither of mention the events that transpired the night before. you'd woken up to an empty bed, something you were eternally grateful for as you don't think you handle seeing him again so soon. the morning seems to drag on and you take your time getting ready as a distraction.

haechan had seen you in your most vulnerable state, and even though you hadn't told him the reason for your breakdown, you were sure he could probably guess. it seemed every day you and your father would fight about more insignificant things. it pained him to watch, but it wasn't his place to say anything.

when you finally emerge from your bedroom, haechan meets your eyes and offers you a fleeting smile before his features settle into their familiar glare.

life goes on, you suppose.

*

a rare type of excitement pumps through you as you stare at haechan through the mirror of your dressing table. recently he'd been spending more time sat in your bedroom than stood outside it. it was a nice change, and you felt less alone when you sit to do homework into the early hours of the morning.

currently, he flips through a book he'd picked off your desk and he frowns at it in confusion. "you understand this?" he mumbles as he stares at the words on the page.

with a laugh, you realise he's reading your intro to classical mechanics textbook and stand to take it from his hands. "that's up for debate."

he watches you push yourself onto your tiptoes to put it back on the top shelf and averts his gaze when the dress you're wearing rides up your thighs. it was ridiculous how you'd convinced him to take you to this stupid college party he was sure wouldn't end well, but here is he. "are you nearly ready? you said it starts at eight?"

you choke down another laugh as you stare at the clock, "haechan," you start with a smirk, "i have to be fashionably late. it's part of my brand."

"your what?"

"my brand," at his still confused expression, you turn back around from the mirror to face him again, "i have an image to keep up."

"whatever you say, princess." the new name catches you off guard and you feel your stomach flip. careful to keep your expression neutral, you stand and grab your bag, suddenly wanting to be anywhere other than a confined space with haechan.

a party, as it turns out, is exactly what you need.

the moment your feet cross over the doorframe, you can feel your worries slip away, replaced by the hum of the music. quickly, you spot some of your friends from college and make your way over, a cup already being handed to you. a few people stare as you walk in, something you're used to, but today they stare for longer than usual and it takes a moment to realise they're staring at haechan.

as always, he's dressed in all black, only he's swapped his combat boots and tactical jacket for black sneakers and hoodie. for a college party, he looks too well dressed, but it's appreciated by many as he walks through the room.

it's clear to you he's unused to this type of attention and you grab his hand to pull him to where you and your friends stand. he shoots you a look before, as usual, starting to survey the people around.

"is this your boyfriend?" a short girl from your business class asks, you think her name is lily–or maybe laila. haechan doesn't hear and you're grateful as you shake your head and explain he's your bodyguard. she raises her eyebrows and scans his profile again. the action irks something inside you that you desperately push down. "is he single then?"

the emotion that shoots through you is so obviously jealously and yet you try and remain nonchalant, laughing it off and acting like you didn't want her to be swallowed by the ground. haechan's there for you, not for anyone else, and you want her to know that.

after flitting around the room talking to different people you know, some who you meet for the first time, you can feel the drinks start to take their toll. whoever decided a bottomless bar was a good idea for a party like this was horrendously wrong, and your head spins whilst a boy talks to you about an apprenticeship he's been offered.

"of course, i don't need the money, that's not why i'm doing it." haechan doesn't fail to conceal his surprise, eyebrows raising as he eyes you over the rim of your glass. you send back a look that you hope says he's an asshole, but in your state, you can't be sure how well you've achieved it. "i'm doing it for the experience." when it's appropriate, you nod along to what he's saying but it obvious you don't care and he leaves for someone else soon after.

"what's his problem?" haechan murmurs into your ear. you have to suppress a shiver at the proximity and shrug as you don't trust your voice.

"hyunjin, hey!" you shout when you spot a familiar face in the see of people, shooting through throngs of people to the tall boy. somewhere along the way to the bar, haechan loses sight of you, craning his neck to try and find the direction you escaped to.

hyunjin’s smile is wide and you fail to notice the pleased sweep of his eyes over your exposed chest. as you speak, he slowly moves closer to you, his breath hitting your neck and making you squirm. suddenly the music seems louder, he seems closer and you try to escape his grip when his hands settle on your waist.

you try to move away but you feel your head spin harshly and you have to catch the edge of the bar to stop yourself falling into him.

"you drunk enough." a familiar hand reaches to snatch the martini out of your hand, a frown taking over his soft features.

despite the displeasure on his face, you’re grateful to see him. he recognises the relief in the  sigh you let out, and eyes  you with concern. just as he’s about to ask you what’s wrong, hyunjin turns back around from the bartender and seems shocks to see haechan so close to you. he clearly doesn’t realise the man beside you is your bodyguard and shoots him a glare. “we were just heading out, actually.” hyunjin grabs hold of your wrist and tugs you towards him and you can’t help but yelp at the sudden movement.

“get your hands off her,” haechan’s voice is stony and almost unrecognisable. you chance a glance to his face and you feel a lick of fear at the cold glare on his face. if you thought he looked intimidating staring at strangers, this overpowers it tenfold. something dangerous shines behind his eyes and he encases hyunjin’s wrist in his hand, tightening his hold until he lets go of you.

“hey, what’s your problem?” hyunjin’s voice is cocky and you pray he shuts up before he digs a deeper whole for himself. “she wants to come home with me.”

“you think she’s in any state to go home with you, huh?” at the words, hyunjin seems to realise what he’s said and tries to backtrack, failing miserably. “leave her alone, yeah? before i throw you out of here.”

*

it's silent as haechan helps you back to the car, his jaw set in a hard line. you want to say something to ease the tension but you don't want to upset him. it's not your fault, but the cold look on his face is engrained behind you eyelids and you feel a wave of fear flush through you. you shouldn't be scared of him, but he looked so ready to kill hyunjin that you can't help but feel a new sense of unease next to him.

"are you okay?" he crouches next to the passenger seat after buckling your seatbelt for you, features settling back into the warmth you're used to. no matter how hard you try to hide your expression, he can easily see the fear in your eyes and sighs, letting his head drop between his arms. "i'm sorry for scaring you," he rests a hand on your thigh that has you heart rate speeding up despite your thoughts less than five minutes ago. "but it's my job to protect you, okay?" you say nothing in response.

"can we get pizza?" the shops whiz past your eyes as haechan drives, the streetlights blurring together. he shoots you a sideways look before sighing and nodding, trying to ignore the way your victorious smile makes him feel.

"we'll get takeout, okay? you wait in the car."

you would've listened to him, you really would have, if you hadn't seen a small knife drop from his pocket and onto the pavement. if you were sober, you would've just told him when he returned to the car, but in your drunken state, that knife seemed like haechan's most prized possession.

you slip out of the car on shaky legs, noticing the empty streets with fleeting anxiety but bend down to pick the knife up. right above the hand grip a tiny l.h. is engraved and you smile slightly. just as you turn to make your way back to the car, something hard hits the back of your head and you yelp.

haechan stands in the empty pizza shop waiting for the workers to finish your order. he can still feel the remaining wisps of anger from his standoff with that boy you were talking to, but tries to ignore it for your sake. the posters on the wall catch his attention and he reads about the movies showing downtown, mentally noting the ones he knows you will eventually drag him to see.

the workers are rushing around behind the counter and he sighs, excited to get back into the warmth of the car and finally get back to the house.

the excitement drains out of him when he hears a scream. a scream that sounds identical to yours.

he's outside in a flash, eyes shooting every direction to see where the noise came from. the empty passenger seat of the car catches his eye and he swears loudly. reaching for his knife, he stills when he feels the pocket empty, instead grabbing the pistol from the inside of his jacket.

a muffled cry escapes an alley next to the shop and he sprints towards the sound, turning the corner and seeing you being pulled further into the darkness. for a fraction of a second, his eyes meet yours and the teary panic he sees is enough to have him seeing red. the man pulling you back hasn't noticed him yet and he uses this to his advantage, pulling his fist back and launching it at your attacker's face. it's masked and you're unable to see the damage, but a crack rings out.

you feel infinitely more sober than you did in the car and you try to pull yourself out of the man's arms but your head feels heavy and you sway dangerously. your eyes shut as you fall forwards, the man's arm around you stopping you from falling. the angle gives haechan the perfect shot and you scream as a bang rings out, echoing through your head painfully. the arms around you disappear and you lurch forwards until something catches you. you scream again and try and get away from whoever's holding you.

"hey, hey, it's me, it's me." haechan's voice is like music to your ears and you allow yourself to go limp in his grip, sobs starting to wrack your body. you can feel him carrying you back to the car, the pizza long forgotten. when he places you down in the passenger seat again, you don't want to let go of him and he has to pry your hands off him. "you're okay," he whispers as he holds you, rubbing a hand up and down your back soothing. "we're fine."

even if in that moment, everything feels the polar opposite of fine, something about the way he says it makes you want more than anything to believe him.

*

the walls of your bedroom muffle the voices from downstairs. haechan had carried you upstairs and settled you into your bed before whispering about a debriefing he had to attend. and now here you sit, alone and shaking, reliving the moments you had thought your life may have been over. there's still a throbbing to your head and you will your eyes to shut and for sleep to overtake you, but every time you try the memories bubble back up to the surface. it's exhausting, but you eventually come to terms with knowing you won't be able to sleep until haechan comes back.

the scariest thing is, every time you think about those last few moments before haechan turned up, you really thought you would never see him again. you thought you would never see the daylight again, and yet your thoughts weren't plagued with messages for your parents, or things you wished you had told your friends. no, the only person you thought of was haechan.

you know what that means, but you try and ignore the feeling growing in your chest, turning over and burrowing your head into your pillows.

for the next hour, you slip in and out of shallow sleep as you wait for the meeting to finish. you're somewhere between the two when you hear the door click and your bed dip beside you. haechan must've known you wouldn't be able to sleep and he sits against your headboard like the last time he was in your bed, pulling your head into his lap gently.

"how're you feeling?" the words are whispered into the air and you hate how much his voice calms you.

"my head hurts." haechan pities the pain in your voice and looks down at the awkward angle of you neck, an internal battle waging in his head.

a few long seconds later and he's slipping further into your bed, pulling you up so your head is resting in the crook of his neck. "c'mere." the position is much more comfortable, and you sigh in contentment, trying to ignore the smell of his cologne that's slowly overtaking your senses.

you bask in the silence for a few minutes, trying to fall back asleep before realising you need to tel him what's plaguing your mind. in the safety of his neck, you mumble to try and conserve the peace in the room. "y'know, i really thought i was gonna die back there–"

"stop." haechan reaches one of his arms around your shoulders and pulls you further into him. the act is so gentle, as if you're made of glass and he mumbles his words into the top of your head. "you don't need to do this."

"but i want you to know," with a sense of desperation, you pull away from his embrace to meet his eyes. they're sad, and you know you probably look like a complete wreck right now, but you can't bring yourself to care. the only thing you can focus on is how much you want him to know his importance in your life. "i didn't think of my parents. i thought of y–"

"stop, really. you'll regret doing this." but you can't imagine regretting telling him anything. you've only known him for a few months, and yet you've never held trust in someone like this before.

sick of watching him avoid your gaze, you bury your face back into his neck and smile at the shiver that rolls down his spine when you speak against his skin. "i never liked them. they never cared about anything i did. i only ever wanted to make them proud, but they wouldn't even listen to me."

haechan's in dangerous territory, and he knows it. he can't sit here and insult his employers, but he's seen the way they treat you. as if you've never done anything worthwhile, but they were never there to see your achievements. he battles his thoughts for a few moments, trying to think of the best response. "they do care for you, they just can't show it well." it's weak, even he can tell, but he needs to say something. he wants nothing more than to shelter you from them, take you away from this house and show you what it's like to have someone be proud of you, to care for you wholeheartedly. but he can't, it's stupid to even entertain that thought.

"you care more than they do," the tone you speak with is bitter, and you pull away once again to look up at him. somewhere in the deep brown of his eyes is an emotion you think is something akin to love, but you think you might be imagining it. haechan's paid to be here, you need to remember. "but then i guess you're paid to."

"hey–" this is exactly where he didn't want the conversation to go, because he can't tell you what he really thinks whilst still in the confines of your house, not where your parents could hear every word.

"i'm not wrong, though, am i? you're only here because they're paying you–"

"i would've left if i didn't care."

you sigh and let yourself fall back into his embrace. "i'm gonna pretend like i believe you, just for tonight." no more words are exchanged, but he leans down to press a delicate kiss to the exposed skin on your forehead. the act is so tender, so familiar, you feel tears line your eyes. it's stupid, to cry at being held like this, but in a desolate horizon, haechan is your beaming spark of hope.

*

another month floats by and you and haechan continue your relationship than slips so easily between professional and something more than. it leaves you confused a lot of the time, but you try and ignore it, instead deciding to focus on the present.

the present right now leaves you stood in front of a fancy restaurant, a booking for you and one of you childhood friends ready and waiting. "i'll be by the door, scream if you need me, okay?" you chuckle at the serious tone of haechan's voice before hurrying over to your table where jennie sits waiting.

the girl stands when you near her, a wide smile taking over her features as she pulls you into a hug "how have you been? i haven't seen you in years!"

over the first course of food, you catch up about each other's lives, chatting about the various things you’ve been involved in recently. after what jennie deems an appropriate amount of time, she shifts her attention to the boy stood behind you.

"is that your boyfriend." her curious eyes scan over haechan who, as promised, stands by the door, staring at his phone. the sight makes you smile as you realise he's probably playing candy crush or some other stupid game to pass the time.

"no," you chuckle, although you would love more than anything to say yes, to be able to sit and claim him as yours, and no one else's. but you can't lie to jennie, as much as you want to. "it's just haechan, my bodyguard." just haechan sounds wrong coming from your lips.

"bodyguard? your dad's still got a lot of enemies, huh?" jennie shoots you a concerned frown which you try and laugh off. out of all the friends you've ever had, jennie's the only one with a somewhat similar upbringing; moving around a lot, feeling as if your parents are absent for more than half of your childhood. you had bonded over your situations in middle school and had kept in touch even when she moved to new zealand for sixth grade.

just as she's telling you about her new job at a fashion company, you blurt out the question bothering you."does the lemonade taste weird to you?" it's metallic almost on your tongue and it catches you off guard.

"no, i think it's just a bit tangy."

"oh, yeah probably" you laugh airily, but a cold wave on unease washes through you. it's unclear what's causing your anxiety, and you're suddenly confused why you're even on edge. on instinct, you look for haechan and seeing him still leaning on the wall by the door gives you a small sense of calm.

"are you sure? you look a bit–" jennie's words are drowned out in your mind by the wheezing of your throat. it's uncomfortable, as if someone is squeezing your lungs, trapping the air out, and preventing you from taking a full breath in.

"yeah, do you think we could step outside for a sec? i think i need some fresh air." the chair scrapes under you but you ignore it and make a beeline for the side door, clean air the only thought on your mind.

"of course, are you sure you're okay." outside, you fail to find the relief you're looking for and try to swallow down the metallic taste. you find it difficult to, however, and you concentrate on the movement as jennie crouches in front of you. you hadn't even realised you'd sat down.

unable to resist any longer, you give up and speak up in a hoarse voice. "can you go get haechan?" jennie nods and disappears for a minute. in the quiet, the only thing you can hear is your laboured breathing and the distant chatter from inside. it sounds like you're underwater, the voices seem so far away, as if you're sinking.

"what's wrong?" haechan's before you in an instant, hands gripping the sides of your face and eyes scanning your body for any obvious injuries. you try to speak but nothing comes out and you feel your legs give way underneath you, sliding down the wall onto the ground.

"i don't know–" the voice that speaks doesn't sound like you're own. it's hoarse and breathless and you can feel yourself losing the strength to speak again.

"she said the drink tasted weird." haechan's blood runs cold at jennie's words. you don't fail to notice the panic in his eyes and it does nothing to calm your now racing heartbeat. you feel a chill come over you and when you reach your hands up to find haechan's they shake violently.

despite the alarm on his face, his voice is calm and authoritative and it reminds you of the first time you had ever heard him speak. you wish fleetingly to go back to that moment, to be able to meet him for the first time again. "call an ambulance."

"what?" jennie's voice is close by but muffled by your own heartbeat that pounds in your ears.

"call an ambulance and tell them she's been poisoned." you feel his arms gently set you onto your side before his words register in your head. “try and breathe for me, princess.” the action is futile and you try so hard to do as he says but your head feels heavier with every feeble motion of your lungs.

“you’re gonna be fine, baby.” it's the last thing you hear before your hearing gives up on you. haechan's hands finally find you own, skin hot against yours, and you try to squeeze them but you can't get your fingers to move. you feel like a statue, watching the scene in front of play out with no strength to do anything.

black spots start toying at the edge of your vision and you feel the ground beneath your shoulder. you're on your side, you think. but you can't remember moving anymore.

haechan's hands remain in yours and you try to take a breath in, feeling your lungs expand weakly before the last little bit of energy drains out of you. the last thing you see is haechan's face, an expression of terror on his face as he shakes your shoulders. his mouth is moving but you can't hear anything he's saying, instead letting the darkness overcome your senses.

it's calming, almost, the warm embrace of sleep. you feel like you haven't slept in years, maybe never.  with an empty feeling settling inside you and haechan’s face burning behind your eyelids, you allow yourself to slip into the blackness.

*

the first thing you're aware of is a warmth over your arm. and then a beeping. and then painfully bright light shining behind your eyelids. the smell of harsh disinfectant fills your nose and you feel starchy sheets underneath your bare legs. an attempt to breathe in leaves you coughing painfully as you realise your lungs feel like they’re made of sandpaper.

the sound awakens haechan from his light sleep, eyes shooting open to find you squinting down at him. everything is too bright and you try to bring a hand up to cover them before finding it covered in wires. you hand is pushed back down and a cup of water is brought to your lips. it feels heavenly against your dry throat and you try to drink more before it's pulled out of your reach.

"hey, hey, slow down," the familiar tone is a welcome change and you find your mind coming up blank as to where you are. haechan smiles down at you, a soft glimmer to his eyes, one you haven't seen in what feels like so long. "the nurse said you shouldn't drink too much yet."

"what happened?" your voice is scratchy and painful to listen to. the boy before you smiles sadly and sits on the edge of the bed after pushing the barrier down. you've managed to work out you're in a hospital, but you're still unable to place the reason behind your visit.

"you were poisoned." the words trigger something in your brain and your memories come flooding back. the lemonade, the confusion, the darkness. it's the second time you've been close to death, and the second time haechan's been the last thought on your mind. you promise yourself you won't let him slip away, not this time.

"i remember," his fingers interlace with yours, thumb rubbing along the back of your hand. "i thought i was gonna die."

"you nearly did," a new voice enters the room and you turn to see a tall woman in a white coat. "and you would have done if it wasn't for this man's quick thinking." she waves a clipboard in haechan's direction and he looks away, embarrassed to be in the spotlight. "the paramedics knew exactly what they were turning up to, cut a lot of time for treatment.” the words make haechan blush.

the doctor stays for a while longer, explaining your treatment plan and adjusting your medications. she gives you some stronger painkillers and says you should be fine to leave after another night of observation.

as soon as you're alone again, you turn to haechan, only to find he's already staring at you. "you know what i'm gonna say." the words are whispered and you let him move up the bed to lie beside you.

"just say it, get it over with." unlike last time, his voice doesn't sound as hopeless and you wonder if he prepared himself for this conversation. it was inevitable, to be fair.

"you were my last thought." haechan's cologne is strong in your nose as you drop your head onto his shoulder. "i wasn't scared about dying, haechan, i was scared about never seeing you again." the tears fill your eyes and you do nothing to stop them falling onto haechan's hoodie.

his shoulder moves when he sighs, an arm wrapping around your shoulders and your taken back to the last time you were sat like this. "i love you, i need you to know that, okay?" it's all you can hope to hear, but you know he hasn't stopped talking yet. "but i don't know if we can do this."

"why can't we just leave?" your voice is pleading and it pulls at haechan's heartstrings. he wants to badly to give in, but the future would be too uncertain.

"your parents would hunt us down."

"then let's flee the country, i don't care–"

"you can't just leave your parents–"

"where are they?" when you had woken up, you hadn't failed to notice their lack of presence and it didn't hurt as much as it should have anymore. a guilt look passes behind haechan's eyes and he doesn't even need to say it for you to understand.

"on a business trip."

"let's just go, haechan. they don't want us here anymore."

the desperate glimmer in your eyes is enough to convince haechan, who knows he would have agreed to it anyway. he would always agree with you. "if you want to. i'll do anything for you princess."

when you turn to face him, the proximity between your faces is significantly less than what you expected and you find your breath hitching in your throat. it catches him off guard as well and you watch his eyes flicker down to your lips and back up to your eyes quickly. you can’t help but smirk as you lean in, resting your free hand on his chest to push yourself up to meet his lips.

the kiss is warm and comforting and everything you need in that moment. he slips a hand around your waist and pulls you closer to him, using his other one to cup your jaw and tilt your head up. the angle allows you to deepen the kiss and haechan sighs into it. a few seconds pass and your lungs are burning for oxygen.

you break away first, resting your forehead against his and drinking in as much air as you can before leaning back into him. right before your lips meet again, you hear the heart rate monitor speed up and your cheeks burn in embarrassment.

“why is your heart beating so fast?” haechan teases with a laugh.

“shut up.” you huff out before closing the distance one again and meeting his lips with a new sense of hope filling you.

a/n; thank you so much for reading!! it means a lot to me!!

[theyarebothgunshot]

I'm a colorado anon who lives about 45min from denver and could now *possibly* be tempted to buy a single-day pass to go to my first (only) spn con..... 🤔

*whispers* do it, do it, do it!!!

welcome to, people talk about dencon in my inbox

apparently alex's panel was moved from saturday to sunday and now i'm worried he's gonna have to do his panel with wanker texas ranger... alex won't be able to get a word in sideways rip

rip alex, someone beer him strength please

Right as I’m about to go to sleep, the good news hits lmao. Anyways I am having thoughts. Because if Jensen can’t be there on Sunday, why didn’t they just move J*red’s panel to Saturday as well? He’s there on Saturday too right? Because no matter which side you’re standing on, this does not look good for j/2’s professional relationship after his temper tantrum. Their PR teams must be sweating buckets right now lol. Anyways the j/2 fallout is the gift that keeps on giving and I am here for it. -poker face anon

maybe the schedule won't allow extra room for a j/2 panel on saturday? or maybe it will still happen but they have to figure out where to put it. in any case its very funny for how long it lasts shfdshf

Chaos strikes again and I am LIVING for it! This is the best night since J*red's meltdown Twitter tantrum (someone please ask "et tu, Brute?" at his now-solo panel and then just like walk out of the room skjbghdskl). Jensen and Misha both there on Saturday, you KNOW they won't be able to resist crashing each other's panels. Magnets cannot help but draw together. - Honeymoon Anon, cackling into the night

MAGNETS CANNOT HELP BUT DRAW TOGETHER!!!! so true bestie. god bless.

oh my god i cannot wait for the denver schedule to be released

sameeee

i didn’t want to wait until february for jib to give me a jenmish panel and then possibly not even happen. this is (potentially) a delightful turn of events.

i still don't think it will happen (cause creation con is a bastard) but just the thought of them there at the same time is making me go bananas

It’s the fact that he rescheduled his panel for professional reasons and didn’t even try to say it was a scheduling conflict for me. J2 fallout confirmed yet again and still going strong, which I must say makes me irrationally happy lmao. Also, I’m manifesting a cockles panel hard now

ikr, it's so funny shfsdhf

As much as I'm enjoying the memes, I don't think this has anything to do with J*red. But it does reflect on what Jensen thinks about Destiel, because he's more likely to get those questions Saturday, even if there isn't a Jenmish panel, which I think there will be.

i mean, me neither, but it’s still funny. and idk if jensen is even thinking about the kind of questions if im being honest. but. i am very curious.

[everlarkficquestions]

Sunday Stumped Day 35

It’s another Sunday Stumped Day!

Sometimes we straight out get stumped. So every few months we will pick a Sunday when we’ll post of a list of asks that we need your help on. 

In this round, we are focusing on asks for specific stories.   If your ask for a more general “type of” story is not included, it does not mean we are ignoring it, it just means we need more time to research and answer these asks. 

If  you know the answer to any of these asks please shoot us a message/  ask/  with the Post number and the fic details and we’ll add it and give you a shout out with our thanks.  Any links you can provide will also be super helpful.

Thanks!

Post 1 , Post 2 , Post 3, Post 4, Post 5, Post 6, Post 7, Post 8, Post 9, Post 10, Post 11, Post 12, Post 13, Post 14, Post 15, Post 16, Post 17, Post 18, Post 19, Post 20, Post 21, Post 22 , Post 23, Post 24, Post 25, Post 26,  Post 27, Post 28, Post 29 , Post 30, Post 31, Post 32, Post 33 and Post 34 can be found here - and there are still fics we need your help with.

576.  Anonymous said to everlarkficquestions:  Hi, I am searching everlarkfic that I read couple years ago in ff.net. Post mockingjay, Katniss and Peeta are getting married then when they’ll rebuild Peeta's family bakery, peeta got collapse and they find out that he was dying. In the end peeta died. Annie and Katniss's mother had to move Katniss to district 4 to taking care of her. In district 4, Katniss met with gale and they were slowly building relationships from there?

577. its-hopeless-romantic said to everlarkficquestions: Hey,I am looking for fic in which Peeta is Katniss's college professor (he is 10 years older than her) and they fall in love. He is teaching history of art and I remember he invited her to the opening of his galery. I remembre that he goes to Italy to teach for a few months and before that he introduces her to his family. I think it has 2 long chapters in second one there is his proposal. (It's called Lessons in Love or something like, but I can't find it)thanks 💕💕💕

578. alwayseverlark said to everlarkficquestions:Hi! Looking for a in Panem fic (I think no games) , where Peeta is working in the mines and an accident happens and Katniss is looking for him thinking he’s dead , but Gale thinks she wa s looking for him instead and when he realizes , he’s mad at Katniss.I am not sure if this is one fic... or if I’m mixing two different fics...Thansk!

579. stonyspideypool said to everlarkficquestions:I'm looking for a fanfic were I think katniss wants peeta to take control/be more dominant so she calls johanna and johanna tells her that peeta would never force himself on her and he has dealt with so much blue balls over the years that he's used to it or something (lmao) sorry that's all I remember 😅😅Love the page btw💙❤ literally its the only reason I'm on tumblr, thank you💕

580. amesielee said to everlarkficquestions:Hi I'm looking for a fanfic. It's either a one shot 2 shot or 3 shot and it's about Peeta and Katniss having sex. It's their first time and once it's over Peeta grabs a wash cloth for Katniss to help her out. She then gets mad and assumes he has done it before with Delly. I think Peeta didn't know it was her first time. And Peeta says maybe we are just good together. He then asks if she loves him. It's on Tumblr. I hope you can help xx

581. booksandeverlark said to everlarkficquestions:Hi there! Another story I remember reading but can’t think of the title. I know Leeta is older then Katniss. Peeta knew Katniss’ Parents and is their age. Katniss likes Peeta and Peeta keeps telling her he’s too old for her but she doesn’t care. They start to date and Katniss dad finds out before they can tell and eggs mad. I think Peeta also gets hurt protecting Katniss and how she reacts makes her dad see they are serious. Thanks so much for the help

582. everlark-always said to everlarkficquestions:Trying to find a fic...modern au where katniss is with her friends (Annie Johanna Finnick Gale madge....) at a party and they find her the next morning in bed with Peeta?

(582) This could be I Dare You (To Stay) by Thewritershae - thank you @allie-rose

583. justanotherrandomaccount9999 said to everlarkficquestions:Hi! Do you know of a fic where it the story is about each time peeta ruins a cake? I read it before but forgot the title. The last time was when he made Katniss a cake for her birthday but dropped it when she said she was pregnant. Thanks for everything you've done for this fandom btw :)

584. pleasantturtletheorist-blog said to everlarkficquestions:Hi! So this might be a tricky one (bc I don’t remember much of the plot lol) but basically in this fic Peeta was like “don’t deny me post-sex cuddles” or something along those lines hahah. And I remember the scene being really cute but I can’t remember much else about it. I know this is very vague but if you could help I’d really appreciate it!! 🥺🥺

(584) This is possibly Blowout by Annieoakley1. - Thanks to @sunsetsrmydreams

585. yeeyeejones73 said to everlarkficquestions:Hello:) I was wondering if y’all know the name of a fic where it’s canon post mockingjay and everlark is growing back together slowly. I remember peeta gets a boner while Katniss and him are sleeping. I also think Peeta accidentally sees Katniss in only her towel after a shower and it’s super cute and awkward. I hope y’all can help and also thanks for all y’all do!

586. superpineappleenthusiast said to everlarkficquestions:Hey, I'm looking for a fic where the tributes of 74th games escape the arena. Thanks!

587. anonymous-loner95 said to everlarkficquestions:What the fic where Peeta thinks he's about to sleep with some random girl, which I think is actually is Jo, but is tricked into a room with Katniss?

588. thatgirl56834 said to everlarkficquestions:Hi! First of all, I love this blog! You guys rock! I’ve been looking for a one shot I used to read all the time. It was where Katniss and Peeta were friends in middle school and kissed after their dance but then Katniss moved away. Years later they ended up being neighbors and getting together. Peeta lied about who he was at first but then Katniss figured it out. If you know what this fic is, I’d love to read it again! 💗

588 FOUND!  Wishes Old and New by Peetasbunmyoven. Thank you, @sunsetsrmydreams and @allie-rose

589. neonsnail said to everlarkficquestions:Hey I'm looking for a fic where peeta meets katniss and she has some kind of vision that if she gets pregnant prim dies and tries to stay away from peeta but she fails and then she sleeps with peeta to try to get pregnant and fails then disappears and they meet again a few years later and become a couple

589 FOUND! The story ha been identified as The Fool by Myusernamehere but unfortunately it has been deleted by the author.  Thank you @katnissdoesnotfollowback​

590. everlark-always said to everlarkficquestions: what’s the fic where Peeta cheats (post mockingjay) on Katniss and because of this she ends up with someone else?

591. everlark-always said to everlarkficquestions: Peeta and Katniss are in highschool and Peeta goes to prom with Madge and Katniss goes with Gale. She wears a burgundy dress and at the pre prom thing she meets an old friend from home named Josh.

592. tributeintraining said to everlarkficquestions:I'm looking for a specific fanfic I read years ago. It's a modern AU where Katniss and Gale are in a band together. Katniss is the guitarist and doesn't sing. Gale is married to Madge but was having an affair with Katniss. The public finds out and she leaves the band. She goes solo and starts a PR relationship with Peeta. Her first solo performance is singing "Shake it out". That's all I remember. Thank!

593. supreme-doritos said to everlarkficquestions:Hi! im looking for a fic where the rebellion happens early and the capitol gets overthrown before the 74th hunger games by a tribute (then victor) from district 7. At one point katniss and peeta (who lost his leg in the bombing) look after haymitch but he ends up killing himself so they don't starve during a really harsh winter. Before he dies he asks katniss to give chaff a naked lady mug/glass (i cant remember the name lol sorry) Thank you! I really appreciate you guys <3

593 FOUND!  The Avalanche And Little Pebbles by Dyce - thanks to @eggplant8

594. entwodreiquatrocinq-blog said to everlarkficquestions: So i'm looking for this fanfic I read once on FF.net. Peeta and Katniss are intimate in the catching fire arena, and later in district 13, she finds out that she pregnant. Peeta is either in a coma or captured and one of his brothers survived. I believe there is a fight between Katniss and the brother, and he says something like "just because you f'ed my brother in front of the entire country doesn't mean....."  That's all I remember, I hope it's specific enough. :)

(594) Possibly The Sharp Edge of Memory by Titania522 - thanks @eggplant8

595. lettrsto said to everlarkficquestions:hi guys!! i can't remember for shit the name of this one shot, i guess it was written for promptsinpanem, where katniss dates gale, but haymitch hates his guts so k&g make a deal w peeta so katniss fake dates peeta while she's actually dating gale behind haymitch's back. can you guys give some help, pretty please? does it ring any light? thank you!!!!

(595)  FOUND by the asker!  Yours And Mine by Andthisisthewonder

596. jonerys-everlark said to everlarkficquestions:I remember a fanfic where Katniss and Peeta were in the 74th games when Katniss learns that Peeta is with the Careers, she remembers him telling her something (I think) but I know that she then waits until they are gone, and says to the audience something to the effect of , “I have something to say... he has not betrayed me, he is protecting me, as to his confession in the interview, I’m still trying to decide how I feel about it” or something like that, basically, she knows he is on her side an

Do any of these fics ring a bell? Please let us know!

[yeojaa]

called a thousand times.

prompt:  “did you miss me enough to drink or did you drink enough to miss me?”   (orig.)

this drabble is more an exercise in catharsis and serves as my first (!!!) jin piece.  i dedicate this to my loves @jinsearthh​ and @seokjinssi​ lmao.  enjoy!

pairing.  ksj x reader.  rating.  general.  tags.  angst.  but like, not really terrible angst.  just semi-bad angst.  wc.  1.8k.

The call comes in the dead of night while you’re curled up in linen sheets and comfortably drooling into an unbelievably worn white plush.  It buzzes loudly in your ears, vibrating obnoxiously against your pillow.  Sleeping with your phone in bed is a bad habit you’ve never really been able to break.  

You’re barely awake - caught in that strange in-between land of lucidity - when you hazard a glance at the time and number.  2:47 AM.  Far too late for you to be receiving calls - especially from contact you don’t have saved. 

“Hello?”

“Hi.”  It’s a voice you’d never expected to hear.  A voice you haven’t heard in forever, clear as bells through the phone line.  “It’s Jin.”

You’re wide awake now. 

“Hello?”  It’s terribly jarring.  It jolts you straight up in the bed that hasn’t felt his warmth in close to three years, every notch of your spine electrified by the simple sound.  It rings, bouncing around in your ears.  

You should reply.  You don’t know how.  

“Are you there?”  Uncertainty and something else - something heavy and medicinal - coats syllables and turns them into molasses.  It drips off each vowel, rounding each consonant.  Your entire world feels like it’s spinning, tilted on its axis by this strange happening. 

“Jin?”  It doesn’t sound how it should - wishful and more than a little surprised.  It trips heavy off your tongue, splitting the darkness with the radiance of your hope.  

He laughs on the other end.  You realise now why he sounds different, the familiar squeak of his amusement dulled by liquor.  He’s drunk or at least, on his way to it.  The telltale signs are there:  the faintest hiccough after every second inhale, the vaguely nasally first syllable, the dulling of his rain-streaked laughter. 

“It’s me,”  he confirms, far more comfortable than he should be.  The relief practically radiates through the phone, further severing the strings that bid you back to bed.  “I didn’t know if you’d pick up or if you even had the same number still.”

At least he’s honest, you think. 

The conversation is carried on like there’s nothing at all strange, as if he - Kim Seokjin - hasn’t just called up his ex-girlfriend at quarter to three in the morning. 

“How are you?  Did I wake you up?”

You know your silence is rude.  It’s stifling in a way that even he can’t combat, sitting stony between you two as you try to wrap your mind around the current situation.  

“Hello?”  He repeats, vaguely uncertain but not otherwise bothered.  That bothers you. 

“Why did you call?”  You can’t help the question.  It pierces the quiet before you can catch it, disappearing into the night like a thief.  It takes with it all of your turmoil, tucking years of hurt in its pockets to wear on its sleeves. 

That seems to catch him off guard.  He inhales once - a sharp thing, right through his front teeth.  

“Ah, yeah.  I—“  You wonder whether he’s even given this any thought or if he’s just been driven to it by the beguiling hand of liquor.  You wouldn’t put it past him, though he’s never been one to drink himself into bad ideas.  He was smarter than that. 

He pauses.  It’s long, drawn out, punctuated by city sounds you assume come from 27 floors below his apartment.  They’re muffled and unrecognisable, the din of Yongsan-gu too faraway.  

“I… was thinking of you.” 

There’s a strange confidence to his response, a self-assured calm that feels like moments before a storm.  It eases uncertainty over your limbs, still wrought with sleep and sluggish.  He shouldn’t sound this way after so long, as if he’d never left.  A part of it feels nice, warm and welcomed into the cavity behind your ribs, tucked neatly alongside the organ that stutters because of him;  the other feels like a knife to the heart, slotted right between the vulnerable spaces you’d shown him.

You echo him in uncertainty.  “Thinking of me?”  

“I wanted to apologise.”

Now that’s the last thing you’d expected.  

“Apologise for what?”  Not that there aren’t so many things Jin owes you - so many I’m sorrys that would never make up for the rivers you’d wept, the nights you hadn’t slept.  

“How I left things.  How we left things.”  Something not quite a laugh comes, dresses his words up prettily like a sinner in his Sunday best, eager to learn and repent and do better.  “I know I can’t undo the past but I’m sorry for the ways I hurt you.”

It’s so vague even you aren’t sure what he’s referring to.  The brief but blinding relationship you’d had with him?  The heartbreaking, determined way in which he’d broken up with you?  The months thereafter when he’d still warmed your bed, where the strange in-between was no longer between awake and dreams, but love and not-love?  The pieces he’d left you to pick up yourself when he’d disappeared, seemingly out of the blue? 

“I still think about you a lot.  I miss you.  I wanted to make it right.”  When he backtracks, you realise he’s far smarter than you give him credit for.  “—Try to make it right, that is.”

“Why?”  You should demand more.  You know you should.  Yet this is the only thing that comes, dripping like the tears that line your lashes, glittering jewels that you’d trade for even an ounce of understanding. 

He hesitates.  There’s a clinking glass, ice, and then a thick swallow you can hear quite clearly.  “Why?  Why what?”

“Why did you leave?”  You’re really trying - holding onto composure with a white-knuckled grip that leaves your hands bleeding - but it’s futile.  The grief is too much - a thousand pound weight that splits the frayed edge of your composure in a clean line.  “Things were…”  Weird, strange, undoubtedly a bad idea, as messing with your ex tended to be.  “Things were okay, I thought.  And then out of nowhere, you were gone.  You stopped calling.”

For three long weeks, you’d jolted awake at 3 AM, waiting for the dedicated ringtone to alert you of his call.  It never came.  You’d waited even longer after that, though you’d learnt to turn your phone to silent.

Months turned to years and then one day, nearly four months later - there he was, displayed as a missed call at just after midnight.

You’d blocked him then, for your own sanity.  And then another six months after that, you’d unblocked him.  A moment of weakness you’d all but forgotten about until now.  You’d figured it wouldn’t matter - that there was no way he’d contact you again.  So much time had passed and he was Kim Seokjin;  you were nothing but a small blip on his radar - a tiny ink splatter on the story of his life.

“You blocked me.”  Or not.  

You tuck this knowledge - his knowledge - away into the manila folder you keep stored away in a dusty cabinet, covered in yellow tape that reads Do Not Open.

“Before that.  Three years ago.”  

“I honestly… don’t remember.”  The answer stings, candour a struck match to your already miserable nerves.  “It was bad timing, I think.  We were on the phone one night.  I was heading back from filming and I just remember being so mad.”  That doesn’t surprise you.  Jin’s temper rages like a wildfire before burning out like a match.  Intense but short-lived.  “You were having a bad day, too.  You’d started your new job and you were stressed out about something not working.”

You recall it clearly - can call to mind exactly what brief you’d been working and how that night had felt awful.  You’d hardly slept, almost pushed to tears by the frustration you’d felt.  For the life of you, though, you can’t recall an argument.  You’d been happy to hear from him - found solace in the sound of his voice, even as you’d worked through pages that made you want to tear your hair out. 

“I remember you were dismissive and it just…”  You imagine he shrugs, those impossibly wide shoulders of his rolling beneath something soft and sleep-appropriate.  His brow’s probably knit, little dent forming between them as always happens when he’s faced with discomfort.  “I didn’t want to deal with it.”

It’s an honest answer, which you’re grateful for.  It sheds light where there was one.

But it also hurts far more than you’d expected, stirring to life an ugly aching sob in your chest.  One night.  One night was all it’d taken.  The realisation is sobering in its pain.

“And… now you want to apologise for that?”  It doesn’t make sense.  Not to you, at least, who holds three long years of unrequited love for a man who’d thrown you away over nothing.

“I want to apologise for a lot of stuff.”  Things he doesn’t seem ready to articulate just yet, either due to his inebriation or contrition.  “I didn’t think you’d pick up, so I’m kind of still working through it in my head.”  You can hear his smile, turned playful by alcohol.

It’s like waging war when you speak - your heart against your head.  “I don’t think this is a good idea.”

“But… I miss you.” 

I miss you too, you almost say.  

“Did you miss me enough to drink or did you drink enough to miss me?”  Comes hushed instead.

Jin isn’t ready for the conversation.  You know he isn’t - can tell by how he inhales shakily, knocks back another drink that rattles ice noisily.  “That’s not fair.”

“You’re not fair,”  you return in a voice that’s meant to be scathing but seems to have found itself at the bottom of his glass, wet and diluted.  “You’re calling me because you feel bad and for whatever reason, you think I’m going to make that go away.”  

He’s not wrong - you would, in a heartbeat.  But there’s a very big difference between would and should and you’re doing your best to learn what that is, even if it hurts.  

“What do you think’s going to happen after I forgive you?  Are we just going to go back to our lives like nothing happened?”

“If you want.”

You laugh, a sound that’s brutalised by your own sadness and barely sounds like anything at all.  “And what if I don’t want that?  What if I want you in my life?”  

Another pause, another drink.  There’s a part of you that worries for him.  

“You know that’s not an option.  Not right now.  We’ve got so much happening right with our comeback and then enlistment and…”  It’s a cop out.  You can see it from a mile away, a red flag raised to mock you as Jin speaks.  “I can’t give you what you want.”

“Then neither can I.”

tag list.  @neverthefirstchoice​​ @youwannabelostandnotbefound​​

[fwibblefwobble]

modern!au single dad tomioka giyuu: a concept

modern!giyuu x reader headcanons

so a few days ago i was up late texting a friend and went wild with the idea of him as a single father in a modern!au... here’s a collection of my ravings

warning: light profanity

- you two live two doors down from each other in your apartment complex

- you quite literally bump into him on your way back in from work

- he’s like ack i’m sorry and helps stabilize you

- never really noticed you lived so close and keeps an eye on your door whenever he’s on his way in/out

- one time he’s just spacing out and staring at your unit and you walk out and make eye contact with him

- he’s like oh shit

- you’re confused but you just assume he spaced out and don’t ask

- he has somewhere to be but he goes back inside and waits until he knows you’re out of the building 

- just waits with his head in his hands like what the fuck

- his daughter’s like ???? you good????

- he’s like fine yeah 200% buttercup don’t worry about it

- proceeds to worry about it for the next week

- the next time you meet he’s checking the mail after a morning run

- light sheen of sweat and jacket rolled up to his elbow, some sweet forearm action

- it’s a sunday morning after you went out with friends and you look a lil trashed cause you spent the night at their apartment and came back early in the morning 

- your mascara’s kinda flaky and you did a half-assed job at washing your face but you didn’t expect to run into Hot Neighbor™

- he greets you and hopes that you forgot about the thing that happened a week ago

- if anything your mind is occupied by why the hot single dad two doors down is giving you butterflies

- he does the thing where he pushes the hair in front of his face back

- its hot in a post workout sweat kinda way

- casual conversation ensues again in the elevator

- you bring up something about you being a ta at a local uni getting her masters

- he’s like not to capitalize on your talents but would you mind tutoring my kid for a day, i have to work overtime at the office on thursday and all my friends are booked

- assures you his kid is a very well behaved lovely girl, you’re apprehensive because children but also yes sure i have nothing better to do

- my guy has her room decorated

- whatever color she wants he paints it for her

- she has her own lil window with fake plants cause she can’t quite take care of real ones yet

- you and his daughter hang out after you help her with homework, watch tangled for like 2 hours and make dinner together

- she doesn’t do much because children with knives is not a good idea but you make her feel like she’s contributing to the team

- lots of high fives and good jobs, makes her feel very important

- he comes back home so fucking exhausted but he sees you and his kid on the couch passed the fuck out and oh my god

- he has half a mind not to drop his shit right there and join you

- against his will he wakes you up and you’re embarrassed like oh my god i’m so sorry i fell asleep in your apartment cuddling your daughter

- he’s so in love lmao that image of you and his kid lives in his head rent free

- he’s kinda breathless thinking about it

- once you’re safely back in your own apartment he tucks his girl in and makes sure not to wake her up

- lays in his bed just like wow

- you guys talk the next day and you’re still apologizing profusely, you feel so weird and you can’t look him in the eye

- he insists on at least getting you lunch, you guys settle on dinner at a local place that’s not too fancy

- putting yourself together before the pseudo not date but kinda date is The Strugglebus Saga

- you get in a facetime with like 5 of your friends trying to figure out what to do

- tiptoeing the fine line between date and not really date, what’s too comfy and what’s too casual

- “is red my color? does he like red lipstick? is lipstick too much?”

- he kinda hears you cause the walls are just the tiniest bit thin but it’s cute cause he’s having a tiny crisis of his own

- arranges shinobu to take care of his baby while he’s gone

- his daughter helps him get dressed it’s so cute

- “ARE YOU GOING ON A DATE???”

- he’s like no...?

- “dad, that isn’t your color.”

- confidence lowkey destroyed but it’s ok

- wears his lucky socks his daughter gave him for father’s day for good luck

- it’s a very cute and chill date, he picks you up at your door and the both of you are nervous cause it’s been a while since you’ve put yourselves out there

- it’s a tiny bit awkward in the beginning but as you guys ease up a bit it’s all good laughter and banter

- he doesn’t want you to know he heard you freaking out but he makes sure to tell you that you look nice just as subconscious validation

- both of you are a lil sad when the main date portion is over so you guys decide to get ice cream and walk around after

- and wow is it just me or do the lights get brighter when he’s around???

- he thinks the exact same thing

- he hasn’t felt this alive in a very long time

- you guys split the bill for the main date but he pays for your ice cream cause he’s a big gentleman 

- and when you guys say bye to each other he walks into his apartment, closes the door and lets out this sigh

- he turns around and its his daughter and shinobu both giving him The Look™ and he just refuses to acknowledge it

- you go home and scream a little bit

- your ears are hot and your cheeks are burning but you can’t stop *smiling*

- gotta rub your cheeks a lil to soothe the pain

- by now you guys have each other’s phone numbers and text each other that you had a good time before you each go to sleep and both of you are smiling at your phones like absolute idiots

- the next time you see each other is completely by accident

- you’re at a bookstore browsing and you see him around the corner with some flowers tucked under his arm looking through some stationery or stuffed animals

- and you’re like?? flowers??? does he have someone did i misinterpret that whole entire outing was that just out of courtesy and not cause he was interested in me

- but he says hi and strikes up a conversation

- you kinda timidly ask about the flowers and he’s like oh! i saw these when i was coming home from work and i remember walking by the florist with my daughter and she said these were her favorite flowers so i was thinking of surprising her when i got home

- as if your heart could swell with any more love for this man

- the love in his heart and his attention for DETAIL?? unparalleled. he is TOP TIER

- and at that point you’ve been over close to a dozen times, his daughter’s a smart cookie she doesn’t even need tutoring but ever since you looked after her she keeps on asking him if he can invite the pretty lady next door

- he asks you and you are more than accommodating, that girl is an absolute angel

- elects to leave out the part where she called you his girlfriend

- not quite there yet but maybe someday

- he catches you and her singing the mulan soundtrack with plastic hairbrushes once and it’s adorable domestic ass shit

- you’re 200% down to listen to this girl talk about elementary school drama

- honestly better than half the shit that happens at uni

- giyuu asks you to cover for him at pta meetings and all the other moms are very disappointed to see you instead of regularly scheduled eye candy

- if marissa looks at me like that one more time i swear we’re gonna scrap

- when you tell him about it he’s absolutely oblivious to the fact that every single mom is in love with him

- he just thought they were nice, nothing more to it

- kinda really pissed that they treated you like shit and next time he goes AND brings you

- absolute power move, suck my ass bethany

BONUS FIRST KISS HYPOTHETICALS:

- happens very organically, both of you don’t even register it until it hits

- both of you are like fuck!!

- he’s like are you okay with it?

- and you’re like yeah 200% but are you okay with it?

- he’s like yeah of course

- and both of you say yeah and nod to each other back and forth until you take the initiative and pull him in again

- lowkey making out in the elevator

- your hands are all up in his hair and *wow this is exhilarating*, like his heart is full to burst

- and when he comes home his daughter’s like are you ok? your hair’s kinda messed up and stuff

- he’s like yeah it looked like this when i left

- she looks at him funny, like it definitely did not

- he’s just at a complete loss for words he’s trying to hide your lip gloss smeared on his face and his head is a lil woozy

- and he just gestures for a minute

- flails his arms weakly

- “yeah... uh... it’s, uh... wind.”

[lucifers-favorite-pen]

A Simple Request (Lucifer x Blair)

Fandom: Obey Me!

Pairing: Lucifer x Blair Warwick (my MC)

Genre: Fluff. Lots of fluff. A little NSFW

Warnings: none

Word Count: ~3k

--

Hey guys! This is my second go at writing for Obey Me! I decided to write this based off an ask about Lucifer proposing received on Blair’s rp blog @miss-blair-warwick. I almost wrote this as a reader-insert fic, but idk I just really needed content of my girl and her mans tonight lmao. I do take requests for reader-insert stuff though, if you’re ever interested. Ok that’s it, enjoy!

--

Saturdays were the one day a week Blair was guaranteed to have time with Lucifer. They both were very busy people. Lucifer was occupied with his work, and Blair with her studies, so they didn’t see a lot of each other during the week. Only the soft moments between the pair when they woke up in each other’s arms each morning, and the steamy nights when Blair would fight off the fatigue of the day to wait up for Lucifer to come to bed. As well as the daily event of Blair bringing Lucifer a cup of tea late at night, and attempt, usually in vain, to get him to come to bed early with her. 

Saturdays, however, were his day off. Every Saturday, Blair was promised a date night of some sort, multiple opportunities to...make up for lost time, and a morning to sleep in with him on Sunday. 

Saturdays also meant: bath time 

Both of them thoroughly enjoyed bath time.There usually wasn’t any “funny business” during bath time. The amount of splashing and sloshing that would occur would make a huge mess and neither of them wanted to deal with that. No, there was only soaking in his huge bathtub, and relaxing away the stress of the week prior. Lucifer would put a record on in their bedroom that could be heard softly from his bathroom, and the two would relax in complete silent bliss. Her back always rested on his chest, as she felt and listened to the steady rise and fall of his breathing that never failed to relax her. 

Tonight he was different though. He still carried a little bit of tension in his shoulders, and the little furrow in his brow would appear when he was lost in thought and didn’t think she was looking. They had both finished washing themselves, and Blair made it a point to try and massage the rest of the tension out of his shoulders while rinsing the suds off of his muscular frame. 

It wouldn’t go away. 

Weird, she thought as she settled her self to her usual spot between his legs, on his chest. Blair closed her eyes and applied two little jelly eye masks under her eyes that Asmodeus gave to her. This was his way of telling her the bags under her eyes were getting out of hand without hurting her feelings. She took a deep breath, and tried to focus on the sudden cold, slimy feeling under her eyes instead of what was bothering Lucifer. 

She really tried her best, but how could she focus on anything except for his incessant light tapping on the side of the tub where his arms were draped, and his weird, uneven breathing pattern? Blair sighed, peeled the eye masks off her face, and flicked them to the ground on either side of the tub, resting her arms right in front of Lucifer’s. The masks never worked anyway.  

“Are you doing ok?”, she finally asked him, snuggling a little deeper into his chest and the water. 

“Hm?”, he responded going to rest his arms on top of hers. He wrapped his hands around the backs of hers, and intertwined their fingers. Lucifer placed a light kiss on her temple and almost whispered in her ear, “I have all I could ever want within my reach,” 

He lightly nibbled her ear.

“A healthy family. Annoying as all hell, but healthy none the less,”

She chucked at him as he placed a kiss on the side of her neck. 

“The most perfect being in all the three realms owns my heart and is sitting in my bathtub,” 

She felt the heat rise to her cheeks as he placed another kiss on her shoulder, and felt his fingers untangle from hers to start tracing light lines up her arms. 

“And Chopin is in the other room, quietly scoring this perfect moment,” 

Lucifer traced his way up her arms and rested his hands on her shoulders, lightly massaging out any tension gathered. 

“I am doing, fantastic, my dear,” he purred in her ear. 

Blair knew he was being overly affectionate to cover the fact he was lying through his teeth, but as his hands worked themselves over her shoulders and neck, and as his soft, perfect lips landed on her cheeks and her neck, she found herself forgetting. He had a way of melting away any sort of worry or turmoil that nestled its way into her body, simply by touching her. 

She hummed and leaned back into him, tilting her head back and up to look up at him. He had a content smile set on his face, but there was something else hidden in his eyes. Worry? No, nerves. 

What was he nervous about?

Blair smiled sweetly up at him, “Ok, I believe you,” 

He returned her smile, and cupped her small face in his hands. “Mm, good,” he said before kissing her forehead. 

“Now, let’s get out before we get pruny, yes? I’ll meet you in our room in a couple minutes after I clean up in here,” said Lucifer before lifting himself to his feet and stepping out of the tub. Blair stayed there, knees to her chest, cheek resting on top of her knee. She admired the way his back muscles tensed and relaxed as he toweled himself off.

“I can help you clean up in here. You we both took a bath, you shouldn’t have to clean it all up yourself,” Blair said absentmindedly as she watched the water droplets fall from his beautiful raven hair on to his shoulders and down his back. 

He secured the towel around his waist, turned and sauntered over towards her. He looked almost menacing, towering over her as he stood on the small rug outside the bathtub, looking down at her with amusement. 

Like a cat playing with his food. 

He knelt down, and reached over to softly run a knuckle over her cheek before taking her jaw between his fingers and forcefully pulling her face, and as a result the rest of her body, toward him. She let out a surprised squeak as she fell forward on to her hands with a splash , and her breathe caught in her throat when she noticed her lips were mere centimeters away from his. He cocked an eyebrow and smirked at her. He loved the way her heart was pounding in her chest. He loved the way he could feel the breath hitched in her throat, and see the surprise laced with fear and excitement in her beautiful, baby blue eyes.

He loved her.

“Or,” Lucifer purred as he ran his thumb over her bottom lip. “You could follow directions, and wait for me in our room like a good girl,”

Blair bit her lip and raised an eyebrow at him, mischievously. She then sighed and looked up at him, “I guess i could do that,” she whispered, defeated. 

Lucifer’s smirk grew into a smile as he guided her chin towards him for a passionate kiss. His hands found their way into her inky black hair, and he deepened it just enough, for just enough time, to leave her gasping her more when he suddenly pulled back. “Good, I’m glad to here it,”

Blair didn’t know she was white-knuckling the edge of the bathtub until her fingers started cramping. She let go, and flexed her fingers, smiling to herself as Lucifer stood up to retrieve a towel for her. She took a deep breath to steady herself -mainly her heart- as she stood up and stepped out of the tub. Lucifer met her and wrapped a soft towel around her body, tipping her chin up to meet his gaze. 

“I’ll see you in ten,” 

~~~~~~~~

Blair stood wearing a silk bathrobe in front of the vanity/dresser in Lucifer’s bedroom, lost in thought. She was admiring the small, dainty necklace that rested slightly below and between her collarbones. It was a silver “B” charm, with sparkling diamonds along the straight line of the letter, hanging on a thin silver chain. A present for their first anniversary. 

Her eyes drifted to Lucifer’s pact mark that sat just to the left of the necklace, below her collarbone. She stopped playing with the charm to instead trace the lines with the tip of her finger, a small smile resting on her lips. 

She felt him lightly tug on the pact, and watched him approach her from behind in the mirror. He was wearing only a pair of green and blue plaid pajama pants, an article of clothing surprisingly mundane for the Fallen Morningstar of Heaven, but comfortable none-the-less. He wrapped an arm around her waist and pulled her backwards into his chest. She felt shivers fall down her spine as he nuzzled his face into the crook of her neck, breathing in her scent and placing loving kisses up her neck to her ear. 

When he finished making her feel like she was walking on a cloud, he closed his eyes and hummed contently, resting his chin atop her head. His arm was still securely resting across her chest and lightly tracing circles on her upper arm. 

“You looked stunning tonight,” he said, referring to how she looked when she descended the House of Lamentation stairs to meet him for their date just hours earlier. She smiled at him in the mirror, and rubbed his arm. 

She began to spin around to look up at him, “It’s because you have great taste in dress-”

Her eyes landed on the ring held delicately between his index finger and thumb. 

She forgot how to breathe.

She probably would have fallen over had Lucifer not placed his other hand on the small of her back, securing her in place. 

The ring was the most beautiful piece of jewelry she had ever seen. A big, but not obnoxious, princess cut diamond sat on top of a shiny silver band. The setting came up and curled around it, like a throne for the gem. It was simple, and beautiful. It reminded him of her. 

“Blair, breathe,” coaxed Lucifer, snapping her back into reality. She gasped, and swallowed the air, bringing a shaking finger up to point at the ring. 

“Wha-. What-. What’s tha-. Wha-”, she stuttered. Trying to form any sort of sentence to communicate what she was feeling. Lucifer chuckled at his stuttering, trembling girlfriend and teased, “I believe that’s the wrong finger, darling,” 

Blair’s laugh was morphed with a sob as she felt tears rise in her eyes. She covered her mouth that was opening and closing like a fish gasping for air with both of her hands as she looked up at him, waiting for some sort of explanation. 

“There was something amiss earlier when you asked me during our bath. While i didn’t lie about how I felt about my life, and you,” he said pausing to touch the ring to her nose on the word ‘you’.

“And while it is true that I have everything I could ever want right here, there is something else I want. A simple request, really,” he continued. 

Blair was trying to control her joyful sobs long enough to let him speak. The small circles he was rubbing into the small of her back with his thumb were helping substantially. She nodded frantically, urging him to continue. 

Lucifer took a deep breath, and steadied himself. He would never admit it to anyone, not even her, that he was so nervous he felt like his heart was going to burst from his chest. His pride simply would not allow such an admission. Instead he looked into her eyes, the eyes that could steady any storm that wracked him. 

“Marry me,” 

It was a miracle those two words didn’t trigger the flood gates to open, successfully making Blair lose the grip she had on her emotions. Instead she gasped at the words, even though she knew they were coming, and slowly let the breath out. She swallowed the sob forming in her throat and brought her hands from her face to rest on his chest. It took her a solid twenty seconds to remember how to speak, and try to speak without letting the sob in her throat loose. 

Finally, she spoke, raspy and strained, “Well, if you insist,”

Lucifer smiled, and giggled at her response. It was all he could do not to pick her up and spin her around the room right then and there, but he was patient. There was one thing left to do. 

“Then allow me,”, he said, slowly dropping to a knee. 

That did it. That triggered the flood gates. Blair laugh-cried as she covered her mouth again with her right hand, her left taken by Lucifer. He looked down at her small hand, and ran his thumb over her soft, perfect skin. He moved his hand down a bit, so her fingers lay flat on his open hand, and he slid the ring on to her ring finger.

A perfect fit, he thought.

He kissed each of her knuckles lovingly before standing and was immediately pounced on by Blair. She flung her arms around his neck, and brought him into a tear-filled hug. He wrapped his arms tightly around her middle, and started joyfully laughing. The feeling welling up in his chest was one he hadn’t felt before. Was this true happiness? Was this what it was like to be genuinely excited? How had he been around since the beginning of time, and not felt this before? 

Whatever it was, he liked it and leaned further into the feeling. He felt his eyes start to crinkle in their corners as he relaxed into a toothy smile and picked Blair up by her waist and spun her around the room. They were both smiling and giggling like children as they spun around the room to Chopin. Blair brought her legs up and wrapped them around his torso, wanting to be as close to him as possible to him in this moment. He stopped spinning around to pry her face from his shoulder. 

He wanted to look at her. 

She was at eye level with him now, her legs wrapped around his middle. He removed a his hand from one of her thighs to wipe the tears away from her red, puffy cheeks. Tucking a strand of hair behind her ear, he rested his hand on the side of her face. She leaned into his touch before taking his face in both of her hands and crushing his lips to hers. Lucifer moved his hand from her face back down to her thigh, making sure to touch and document every curve this hand found through the silk of her robe. He pulled her legs more tightly around him, as he pressed her body flush against his, walking backwards to sit them on their bed. 

He wanted to feel all of her. 

She felt him hungrily tub at her bottom lip, and then move to pepper her jaw, neck and collarbone with wet, hungry kisses. A small, blissful moan escaped her lips as she entangled her fingers in his damp hair. She rested the side of her head against his, letting him completely fill her senses for the moment. He smelled like cinnamon and campfire, with a hint of rose from their bath. She kissed his temple, right before having her lips enveloped by his in another desperate, passionate kiss. 

They both pulled away at the same time, breathing heavily and letting their hands lazily roam over the other’s body. Their foreheads were pressed together in a moment mutually agreed upon silence as they realized they had promised themselves to each other. Forever. 

Blair tugged at their pact just as a smile tugged at her lips, and brushed her nose over his, pulling away to look into his eyes as she twirled the hair at the nape of his neck around her middle finger. His dark crimson eyes, met her icy blue ones, and he couldn’t help but smile back at her. It was one she hadn’t seen before. It was pure, almost childlike happiness. It was rare that she would get to admire a toothy grin from him, so she took a mental picture. 

Lucifer closed his smile back down to a small grin and ran his finger along her jaw. She was the the peak of beauty and perfection to him. Nothing was more perfect than her, and she just agreed to be his. This made the feeling that he couldn’t explain return to his chest, and he brought both his hands up to cup her face. 

“I love you more than I understand,” he admitted, his voice slightly cracking on the last syllable while his eyebrow furrowed. Blair smiled sweetly at him, her heart swelling at his words. She took both her hands and rested them on top of his, still cupping her damp cheeks. She tenderly kissed his palms, then leaned in to press a gentle kiss to his lips. “I love you too,” she whispered just over his lips. 

Lucifer felt a pressure rise in his throat and heat grow behind his eyes. 

Was he about to cry? 

Lucifer just further furrowed his brow and nodded his head quickly before wrapping his strong arms around her waist and pulling her flush to him again, encasing her lips in his while falling backwards on the bed with her on top of him.

After all, it was never too early to start practicing for their wedding night. 

[ofcloudsandstars]

Hey guys so here is my experience from last night lmaoo get ready cause it was unsurprisingly a hot mess full of white people microaggressions and me being alone as the only black person present having to deal with their spiritual charade shenanigans.

It's a bit long but it's a colorful description of the event and the experience taking ayahuasca, a wrap up of my own spiritual and magical journey and also a rant on the caucasity rampant in spirituality lol. A tl;dr is that it's sad that White People have to go across the world to take medicine from other people that have ceremonies revolving around it when.. we literally have our own stuff here that's like.. nearly the same vibe.. But more on that below.

So last night for the lions gate sun lining up with sirius star I was invited last minute to an ayahuasca ceremony in the edge of London kind of by Richmond park. The whole universe really opened up for me to do this Ceremony. 

At first I was like I dunno I mean its hosted by wealthy white people right? Admission was £200 and I was like absolutely Not, not for a medicine taken far away from it's land and I dunno how the experience was going to be like, plus it was on a Saturday night until Sunday morning and I work in hospitality and if I couldn't get Tuesdays off to at least work in the garden center growing food and plants how would I get the full weekend off? Plus the ceremony was already full. Well without even ASKING, or really thinking much about it, for once in like.. 2 years working for this company I got the full weekend off?!?! The fuck!!!!! Like I literally had to go to my director to fight my manager to try to get off Tuesdays which are the QUIETEST day of the week for hospitality but I got the full weekend off on like one of the hottest summer weekends in England. My friend co-hosting the ceremony called me to tell me that I wouldn't have to pay full admission and it was all donation to the tribe anyway (like suggested donation) anything I could give would be appreciated but I certainly did not have to pay the full fee. Then I was supposed to go to the beach with my friends in the morning but that all fell through due to unforeseen circumstances. I was thinking the beach trip would make me unable to go to the ceremony but it was just like.. cancelled the morning of lol. Lastly this guy dropped out last second so there was space for me.I was like damn it was like the Universe reshuffled itself for me many times to do this so like sure I will take this opportunity. Plus my friend in this group did work with the tribe in Brazil earlier this year and they are friends with them and do this to raise money so that they can sustain themselves better, like they are building solar panels for electricity, building chicken coups and trying to integrate little bits of modern society (like the electricity and water filtration parts, not like social media and capitalism lmao) into their lives. The last ceremony they did they raised like 2,000 pounds and this got the tribe a lot of food and funds to buy solar panels. So I was like ok this is also a good cause I always would love to help out indigenous people that protect the Earth.

Anyway there was a vibe about the way the Universe just opened itself up for this medicine that reminded me of Mushrooms. Like it's a strange thing but people that take mushrooms medicinally say it as well like it finds you when you need it. Last night I also got a great link to healing mushrooms as well and it was just the time to open myself up to that type of frequency I guess. For a while before it was a challenge to find for years I’ve been living here, but all of a sudden the universe was like: here you go! Anyway I was thrilled to work with this medicine and ground the lessons I've learned getting pinball tossed around the cosmos on DMT at the beginning of 2020 in January.

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So yes I got to the edge of London and it was in some beautiful secret entrance building painted with murals of green jungle designs, A LOT of Indian spiritual symbolism everywhere, statues of Ganesha and other bejeweled paintings of Indian gods. It was beautiful but to be frank as much as I find Hinduism beautiful I never related much to it cause it's not my culture. What I mean by 'relate' is that there is this SEVERE obsession in white western cultures looking for spirituality in Hinduism and I never really got it. Like yes it's beautiful like many other nature-based spiritual religions but we are so far removed from the climate and nature of India like why are they so fascinated by it? Then.. there were some red flags... 

Ok for starters I was the ONLY NOT-WHITE PERSON there. I think it bothered me more in this moment cause I just got off discussing with an incredible Earthy witch in NYC who changed my life who's trying to do work by providing a nature sanctuary garden for POC how nature is so inaccessible to us and it's gate-kept by wealthy white people. I could elaborate on that more later but this post will be long enough lol. But anyway, why is this medicine not accessible to POC? When it's something not even native to here either? So it's like deliberately not shared with us?

Then there were just some people's vibes like ooooh boy I dunno why but some people just felt cold towards me? Like I guess they were annoyed at me showing up last minute to their ceremony? But my friend was co-hosting it? Like if you trust my friends judgement you should have trusted her in inviting me like I am not some asshole. But they were like.. impatient with me I guess? Like 'oh you didn't bring a waterbottle?? Guess you gotta borrow one of ours.' like BITCH I don't know what to expect man the closest experience I had to this substance was DMT where it knocks you the fuck out of your body and your spirit gets catapulted into the cosmos like I didn't know I gotta bring shit, damn! And then there were some people I felt like I just didn't want to talk to. Like they already had this cold vibe towards me like they didn't think I was relatable cause I wasn't some white cosmic yoga hippie like them (sorry I am a black bog witch like leave me alone) but anyway the way they were talking about the medicine was kind of irking me too like, 'ooh can't wait to clear some stuff I just gotta clear it out you know?' I am like, Becky we gonna be vomiting into buckets like calm down.

AND THEN LASTLY oooh boy so when you do any psychedelic the space really matters right? My friend like.. assigns me this fucking (ooh boy just typing this story and reliving it I am already getting heated lmaooo) |CORNER| spot and what I mean by corner is that it is in the corner of the room but wedged between the fireplace so you are stuck between 3 tight walls and you can't fully lie down or stretch your legs. Everyone across the room could lie down but me. Then there are like vomit buckets and this white girls crystal grid blocking my path if I need to leave to use the toilet or even stretch my legs so already I am having a slight panic moment cause I hate being confined. In general, I tend to like to pick aisle seats on planes and stand on either corners by the door of the elevator cause I fucking hate being confined. So I say something immediately like: ok well can I change spots? I am worried about being blocked. Can I sit there? 'no someone is there.' There? 'no' etc. So I am just like omg I am going to have to deal with it and some people are getting a bit fussy that I am trying to demand better treatment, so I am leaving it. They at least move the pile of vomit buckets out my way lol. But these white women next to me have also taken ALL OF THE NICE fucking pillows to make themselves super comfortable pillow chairs like one for their ass and back against the wall and they were like: oh no you'll need a pillow too! (Cause the ceremony is 12 hours long throughout the night like 9 to 9) and I was like yeah... and they were like: oh no there is no more!! But like CLEARLY all of the nice cushiony things were not evenly distributed across the room and the few people who did not get some nice cushions at least had space to stretch their legs. I didn't really say anything cause obviously these two white women had like pillow thrones happening next to me and this woman literally said with a pouty face: Aww, now I feel bad cause I have two nice pillows!  BITCH, WHAT DO YOU WANT ME TO SAY?!?!?! Fucking christ. See?? SEE IT's shit like THIS that make POC hate that kind of white guilt shenanigans like, oh my god bitch either swallow your guilt in peace or give me a fucking pillow like you are trying to shift the position on to me to pressure you into giving me a pillow which you would either read as demanding or hope that I stay silent and be like: it's ok! so you can enjoy your comfort in peace and be free of your guilt. Like fuck off!!

Then there was this full time astrologer there who has some indigenous feather clip in her hair for some reason. She wanted to say a few things about what was going on with the planets. She was like: I love charting asteroids cause I feel like it's a representation of the divine feminine coming back! (I was going to be like: Me too! But the way she spoke about it was like.. not all of it is feminine? What do you mean?) she was talking about Medusa and eros conjunct in gemini right now and the myth of medusa being smited by aphrodite for being beautiful or whatever and I am thinking like I do not recall this myth cause it was Athena that turned her into the 'monster' to protect her wtf. And wanted to talk about mars retrograde that's not coming up for a while. So anyway I am like: Yeah! I love astrology too!  All that you talked about was pretty cool but I also wanted to mention some big changes are coming up with Uranus going into retrograde a week from now!! :) and everyone just like.. disregarded what I said.. Like she was like: oh yeah.. that's just an outer planet.. OK BITCH like I am pretty sure Uranus, a big ass planet that has to do with revolution, freedom and change going retrograde until Autumn is much more noteworthy than some little asteroid who's myth and energy you've completely misinterpreted being conjunct with Eros. (Eros is moving into Cancer really soon too so the conjunction isn't even going to last that long). Plus I wanted to mention that it was nice that we were doing this ceremony on an Aries moon cause it's like the symbolic start of a cycle yet it's a disseminating moon so it's also like starting off a cycle by celebrating the fruits of our success. But no one really wanted to listen to me anymore though that energy did influence my trip.

Anyway there was a part of me that was pretty bummed that my best witch friend that I did DMT with could not have come as well cause there just was no more space. At least we are always on the same vibe with everything and we would have been laughing about the shadiness of it all or excited about what's to come but I felt pretty alone during this ceremony.

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So it begins, I got my borrowed waterbottle, the smallest, thinnest and hardest pillow that no one wanted for my ass that hurt more to sit on then the thin yoga mat that was just as thick as a human mousepad and I am like: who knows I may be so out of it I won't notice my space as much. The woman leading this is someone who worked with my friend in the tribe in Brazil. She is Russian and got the feathers in her blonde whispy hair and shit I am like oh boy. She explains what work they were doing and the reason for the fundraiser like the details of what the tribe is building and how they are supporting themselves. Also the tribe that night were also doing an ayahuasca ceremony earlier to sync with us so that they can meet up in the Astral plane which is really beautiful. She also explained how they were surprised at westerners fascination with the medicine. Cause they are like: this is apart of everyday life and there are other healing plants in the amazon too. Like why do westerners have a fascination with this? It is a way to connect with the jungle and cleanse yourself and reset (once again I am making that connection to mushrooms I am like.. the vibe sounds oddly familiar), but they find westerners interest in it weird.

Ok so we start with some ceremonies to open up the space and create this 'fire spiral' altar in the middle of the room. They light the pillar candle and have a tea light for everyone in the room. We each go around to light our tea light in the spiral with our intention allowed. People go there and declare stuff like: I am free, I am aligned with my path, etc.  I think about my intention for this trip and how it feels like another pillar of understanding in my journey to connect with my heart energy, love myself and be proud of my accomplishments cause I really came a long way. I was a bit afraid it was going to be another chaotic DMT experience but I just reminded myself that no matter how bad I felt everything was going to be ok cause I have people in this world that care about me. Even if I disappear somewhere or end up dead someone will come looking for me. And I know that sounds dramatic and morbid but at one point like 5 years ago I really did not have that. I was alone, lost and suicidal. I know what loneliness can do to people and it's nice all of the friends I pulled together in London who are creative diverse witches that all made great friends with each other as well through me and it's like we created this new found family that cares and supports each other. So I light my candle and say alloud: I am protected by love and reflect that in the things I create. Anyway the ceremony leader is like.. can I say something?? BITCH!!! HOOOOO MY GOD I should I have said NO but I was like, ok, she is the ceremony leader so I am like.. go ahead.. She was like: By saying you are protected by love that's implying you could be attacked.. (Like Why the fuck would you say this?? While I am lighting my candle?? You are putting negative energy towards my intention wtf) I was like no I meant it like.. I am supported by love. She is like: ah yeah that's better say that. She did not want to correct NONE OF THESE OTHER PEOPLE when they were saying 'I am free'? BITCH you could have had the same energy like: that's implying you could be enslaved. Anyway that irritated me into my trip. I took the ayahuasca from her and as I was feeling the effects I was feeling more and more adamant about my intentions.

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I was thinking about the times when I was alone, when I was targeted and attacked by this stupid racist social group in college that made me feel unworthy of friendship and it was hard to make new friends until I was 21 cause it was a city college so most people hung out with their highschool friends until they were old enough to go out and drink so the first two years I was fucking lonely and the subject of like a lot of harassment when I did try to socialize in clubs and would run into those people there. It nuked my self esteem. Plus though I did so much finding friends magic it was really difficult finding friends that into the same things I was. Sometimes I felt like I was the only witch, the only person really into nature and magic. After college I did another spell and met this incredible witch that we synched so much (I have def wrote wild adventures with us together but she was also abusive cause at that point I still did not know how to establish my boundaries well) but I met other amazing witches in NYC but eventually we all moved. The incredible Earth witch who changed my life was the one who accidentally gave me shrooms that were like grown with love and intention that helped break down my mental barriers and help me take charge of my life and finally move out of my house I grew up in.. like completely out of the country and into England to start my life anew. In England I was successful in making a whole community of loving witch friends who really care about me and add to the ceremonies I host. I joined greenspaces to learn how to grow food and plants. I fucking STRUGGLED in my job getting my food in the door with bartending and slaving my way up until I have a cushy desk office job with healthcare. All in 2 years. I fucking hauled ass and created and manifested the life I always wanted when I was suicidal in NYC thinking that this reality was impossible. And every time I feel anxious I know that since I love and trust in myself that I will always protect myself and even if I was worried I have like a whole SET of magical badass witch friends who would help me at anything and I would do the same for them. 

When my roommate was threatening to call the police on me back when lockdown happened (long story) one friend did some healing on her and she like completely came to her senses and apologized the next day which was wild considering that she's such a proud self-absorbed person and would never do that. She realized that she was acting super ugly and was like wow I don't want to be this person. (Also I was so close to cursing the shit out of her lol but we are cool now). Also I am going away to Italy for the first time to be with this gorgeous man who wants to take me around his hometown but I am only going cause another close witch friend just moved to the neighboring town and will check up on me. She made sure to call him without me even asking to look at his itinerary and include herself and her boyfriend in a night of drinks to check up on us lmaoo. She is such an Aries I love her. If anything would happen to me she would make sure I was safe and could stay with her if something went wrong. God I could go on about each friend, how they've helped me with confidence, healing, safety and just feeling loved, valued, accepted and less alone which is powerful in this society that thrives on people not valuing themselves and where pure unconditional love has seemed to have lost it's meaning. One thing I admire about trees so much is how when they grow together their roots intertwine underneath the ground so that they can support each other upright during winds and storms. They also send nutrients to each other and help each other grow. I feel like I made a network of trees with witch friends in London and I am proud of that when I didn't have that years ago when I was alone and actively hated by a group in college. (I mean about the group it was more like a dynamic where a guy who had control over the club wanted to shun me cause he just likes the power dynamic of picking someone to talk shit about like literally if it was not me it was going to be someone else. So one party cause I did have a crush on him, I told him as I was wasted I was into him but then later apologized when sober if he didn't feel the same way. Like it really wasn't a big deal, I was a flirty 19 year old, but it was fuel for him to once again redirect negative attention on someone cause he's someone who's insecure so he likes the power of getting others focus on people and crush them. The "mutual friends" kind of didn't care about what was going on. The reason why this dynamic worked is cause in a way everyone was a bit lonely and didn't value themselves so they were willing to do anything to fit into a toxic social circle to have access to a club room and drink underage on campus to feel included and didn't want to question who the witch hunt of the week was so they could feel like they were in the ‘in crowd’. It was pathetic when one of them would be the new target and they would come to me like: boohoo I know what it feels like. Bitch I do not care and I made new friends and moved on. Fucking cunts.  -Another thing about being protected by love is like as a black woman even though I got some privileges being mixed and half European I still was subject to racism and I am still scared of hate crimes fueled by sexism and queerphobia but I have friends who will support me and understand and if anything happened to me people would care. Like yes some people in this world DO have things to fear about getting attacked cause we are not all privileged in society to not fear getting hurt Karen.

Anyway as the ayahuasca was kicking in I started getting a bit emotional cause I was thinking about people in the world that really deserve to be loved in this society that condemns us for loving ourselves which is the most important thing. I was crying thinking about black kids especially black girls trying to survive in this society or LGBT+ kids and how some people can't even have their existences respected. How people mock others for their gender identity but those people are in a constant battle with loving themselves cause I am sure at the end of the day they feel hopeless at times or giving up and have to fucking battle dysphoria and have to survive in a society that actively wants them dead and its really fucking upsetting like hooo them psychadelics were opening my heart and grief while this white woman across the room was doing some downward dog yoga shit into her bucket so she can wretch into it lmaoo..

When it started kicking in, boy omgg I felt SO GOOD but I was like..  This.. THIS (I got so mad when I realized this)  THIS IS JUST FUCKING MUSHROOMS LIKE!!!!! !!! ! THIS VIBE IS SERIOUSLY JUST SHROOMS, THE JUNGLE EDITION™   like no wonder the tribes are like: what are white people on about? Cause if they all came with their pashmina scarves, harem pants and grinch-finger dreadlocks to my woodland for mushrooms, especially when there are so many magical plants as well but they are just focusing on this psychedelic when there's also like native medicines in every land I would be a bit confused too. Like we were drinking something that was the equivalent of mushroom tea but it made you vomit it back up eventually. Ohh my god lmaooo. 

I felt so beautiful though. Some comparisons if you guys have done mushrooms: where as mushrooms make you feel these gentle pulsations like everything is breathing around you had has this gentle life breathing among everything like it's all connected (like the mycellium under a forest), ayahuasca makes you feel so sensual like everything is kind of just rolling like how the underside of waves look except the waves are large snakes. Like things start getting wavy the way snakes move but slow and sensually, think like the way a bellydancers hips can roll. It was a whole MOOD. Also with mushrooms when you close your eyes you can see these beautiful patterns bloom before your eyes like pastel art nouveau fractal patterns of tree roots, or clusters of bubbles you'd see looking at plant stems vascular bundles under a microscope or the web-like pattern you see in butterfly and dragonfly wings. With ayahuasca when you close your eyes you see like bright neon colored geometric shapes expanding like bismuth crystals, the patterns you see in indigenous textiles like triangles and cubes, sometimes they will lattice together and make beautiful neon snake-skins that gently slither together. If you've ever seen Miyazaki's/Studio Ghibli's castle in the sky it reminds me of that 'lost technology' metal blocks with runes and scriptures on it moving around. Sometimes you will be following this thread of cubes and they'd be moving around like in that scene and in this cavern of blocks you'd see this celestial-looking geometric crystaline being be revealed. It's very beautiful. Though mushrooms can make you purge, it really does not happen often. However with ayahuasca it's almost a guarantee you will vomit it back up.

So people are all wretching everywhere as the ceremony leader is singing some folk songs from the tribe to guide us through our journey. What's cool is that you kind of feel that purge coming towards the peak end of the trip like a kind of brown murky snake rising from the bottom of your body up like kundalini energy starting from the base of your spine bowels past your stomach up until it pokes from your throat opening up that passage way until you feel it in your head and you just release it all out into the bucket. Not really glam but it doesn't taste bad but then again being a bog witch I drink all sorts of murky plant teas so I am used to the flavor palate. (It's like a sweet in an aromatic way and reminds me of one of those chinese medicinal murky teas).

Also as I was realizing the similarities between this and shrooms I was like wow it's a shame that we aren't outside or somewhere with jungle plants at least to connect with that plant energy. Instead we are in this hindu spiritual retreat place but if we just did some shrooms we could have been out in the sunlight at richmond park hugging the massive ancient trees there and feeding the wild deer summer strawberries like instead I am fucking cramped in this corner vomiting into a bucket with this exotic medicine.

As my trip went on I was thinking more about my friends who care about me and support me and how much I loved them and I couldn't stop thinking about my best witch friend that I did DMT with whom I wish was there. Like we would at least have been laughing about this or vomiting together or she would be like: omg this would be such great play-write material. She is white passing but super self aware and would at least make sure that I felt ok and included in all of this. I took a moment to step out of the circle to text her about the details and the woman in the corner doing yoga and vomiting in her downward dog pose and she was cackling and of course since the medicine connects you to that heartspace I was like confessing how much I care about her and how much of a special friend she was to me and was tearing up but one of the ceremony leaders followed me outside and was like: no phones!! It's not good energy!! Omg?? Like sorry I forgot cellphones were the devil's energy, it's not like I am bored and scrolling through social media, I just wanted to connect with my best friend who makes me feel less alone thanks.. Anyway I went back after being scolded and tried to get comfortable in my cramped spot.

Some positive affirmations I did get through all this was that (bringing back the disseminating moon vibe) I was loved and should be really proud of how far I've come. I kept thinking about all the people I love and cared about and how I should express my love in little ways that will make them happy like celebrating love everyday to make sure that people can feel supported cause it was the themes of my DMT trip too but now it was clearer and more grounded. I also got messages that sometimes I tend to be too selfless and there will be a time that I will help others but I should prioritize myself first mostly cause when my cup is full or when I get to positions of power or comfort I can always share that with people I care about. It was a good conclusion to a half years effort cause this also reflected my Glastonbury trip back in November where this witch who read my tarot cards gave me the clearest reading of my life and told me that I would not do well if I did not confront my heart energy and the pain there that was still festering from the social experience at university. So the efforts I went through my friend giving me sound healing and the DMT trip and other stuff has really opened up my heart and helped me to connect with that energy and care about myself more. But there was the theme again of I really need to protect myself first. Sometimes when the white girl next to me was mercilessly wretching and wailing into her bucket I felt so emotional for her that I would fan her but I would get this loud voice in my head like: DID SHE EVEN ASK THAT OF YOU?? FAN YOURSELF IT'S HOT BITCH- SHE OK SHE GOT HER FUCKING PILLOW THRONE WHEN YOUR ASS IS ON THE HARD GROUND. After purging and trying to get comfortable in my corner I would get increasingly aware of the lack of space and how I was starting to feel claustrophobic and it was starting to fuck with me. Cause yeah I got mental health issues, but it's usually under wraps when I take care of myself like, good sleep, food and water but, I was getting sleep deprived since this was an all night ceremony, I wasn't able to eat food to fast before this, and now I can't even fucking lie down cause I was in a coffin of a corner on the hard ground. My muscles and knee joints were starting to hurt. People were so in the zone just like.. doing arm-trance dance shit or throwing up while the ceremony host was hollering some songs which no one understood the meaning to and I felt at that point it was too late to ask anyone to share their pillows. I was noticing as I was coming down from the sensual jungle slithering plane that I was in muscle and joint pain.

I was like: Ok it's fine, the night would go by quickly.. It was not going by quickly.. I remember once I was sneakily looking at my phone’s clock and it was 4:30AM. I was like ok just gotta get through this time will pass.. The ceremony leader was like intoning some frequency so loudly she was trying to channel some celestial dolphins and whales or some shit but it was so high pitched the crown of my head would be vibrating and at first it feels energizing and cool but since my head hasn't had anyplace comfortable to rest I got a tension migraine from placing it on the floor so I could feel the high pitch note like vibrating the pain in my head. Then she was doing individual healings (I also got skipped somehow in this), she would be like channeling the frequencies for each person and making sure they purged what they need to purge and they would wretch into the bucket some more as she was growling into their backs, the feathers stuck in her blonde hair, quivering as she growled, there was the yoga girl now crying releasing her purge again. Someone was sticking their legs into the air and waving them around cause of energy I guess. I am like ok ok time will pass quickly.. what time is it? *sneakily checks my phone again so I won't get yelled at* 4:32am

OH HELL NO. I am trying to calm myself down but like if you struggle with the mental health imbalance I was in the red zone. Like I have not eaten, my stomach is cleared with vomiting, I cannot sleep, I am CONFINED in this corner, unable to stretch my legs, I am in PAIN, I feel alone.. They go around offering everyone a cup again and I am like: fuck it let me take a second cup..

So I start feeling good again, I feel like a sensual snake like trying to slither across silk. (You know when snakes try to slither across silk but they cannot move across it? It's like that you are just slithering in place) but literally I also feel like a clearer message in my mind almost like the spirit of ayahuasca is communicating with me like: Hun.. babe.. You got your positive affirmations that it's your time to rest and celebrate all you're hard work but you need to remember that you gotta honor and take care of yourself as a part of self love and you being confined in this space is not an act of self love. Especially if you do decide to stay here longer your mood and health will drop so low that it will affect others healings so it's best for everyone if you try to go home early. Like I felt the spirit of that medicine actually encouraging me to leave. Like the fucking ayahuasca itself was like this environment isn’t healthy for you lmaoooo.   And I think that's wild.. It's so wild that these white women are all like: We are going to connect with the cosmic dolphin frequencies, and the tribe in the amazon and the human race, but they CAN'T EVEN FUCKING CONNECT TO THE BLACK GIRL IN PAIN IN THE CORNER OF THE ROOM, like they can't even distribute their nice pillows, they can't even read that I need help. They SKIPPED me with the individual healing. They were so cold towards me. Fuck it! Even my friend's companion dog who was there noticed I was off. She would look at me with concern in her big eyes and apprehension cause she could feel my pain turning into mentally unstable anger. I was like aw man I am killing the dogs vibe right now but damn the dog noticed and even these white women didn't?! Like I dunno if they are that empathetically shut off or if they were deliberately ignoring me. lmao, Also I think maybe cause I vibe so much with plants and genuinely want to reforest some land some day maybe that's why I feel so at home in the ayahuasca high like the medicine was really comforting the second cup but it also was like: you cannot hide within my frequency to escape pain- cause obviously it's NOT a substance for escapism. Anything but. It was like: it's time to go home and take care of yourself. (Like you'd imagine being on the brink of a mental breakdown taking this stuff may push you over the edge but it was actually very loving, sensual and re-affirming again.)

So the ceremony leaders notice since it's 5AM that most people are comfortably asleep in their piles of pillows and stretched out legs and they are about to go to bed but I go up to my friend and am like: thank you for everything, I think I should go home now.. And the women leading it were all Surprised and Shocked! 'Oh my goodness?? She's leaving?! Going home? The event isn't over!' Mind you this is by Richmond park and I live in north London by Hampstead heath so yeah it is a mission. I also could not afford the £40 uber so I was willing to take the shady public sunday morning night bus home lmao (oh no she'll expose herself to all that heavy shady energies of public transit! 🙄). But I was like the amount of time the bus would take from me to go home is probably not as long as the way time was inching slowly within that space and me being in pain. So my friend walked me out and I was trying to be as loving and cheerful and grateful cause I honestly did not want to bring down anyone's vibe. She checked up on me as I was getting my things to make sure I had a healing experience. I tried to be a little honest in being like: It was beautiful, it reminded me of mushrooms but like from the jungle.. Honestly the reason why I am leaving is cause I am in physical pain and I don’t think I can stay in the corner any longer; and she was like: yeah well ceremony is never comfortable. HOOOOOO LAWDDD. Oooof.. Omg.. Like.. OOF firstly.. The ceremony leaders each had 3 stacks of like thick pillowy matts to sleep on which ONE Of them could have been given to me and like yeah I am sure ceremony is at least bearable when you have a fucking pillow throne and mattresses and not confined in a coffin of a corner spot unable to move your legs without knocking someone’s vomit bucket over. Jesus. I didn’t say anything. I just grabbed my shit and left. As soon as I was free on the other side of the gate I felt SO RELIEVED!!

It was so refreshing being outside on sunrise, free to stretch my legs. I could still feel the affect of the medicine as things would pass me by and I'd see like this stream of energy behind them it was really pretty and cool. Since it was London in Liminal Space Hours™, there were foxes everywhere leaving behind streams of soft light as they'd move around the empty streets. The bus was pretty chill other than this fucking creep of a man walking in this dark cloud and when he moved past me his stream of light was literally some ugly fluorescent hostile neon color I was like wow I can literally see your grimy frequency right now lmaoo. But whatever, anything was better than staying silent in that cramped corner to cater to white women's comfort.

Anyway I got home, got plenty of water, took care of myself and crashed on my super comfortable bed. It was a really good decision I made I could not imagine staying until 9 AM like it was not possible and I am grateful I honored myself in leaving early and listening to ayahuasca's reminder to do that as well.

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So the conclusions I made:

White people as a modern cultural collective are fucking wild and can sometimes be a lost cause, cause we literally have medicine here that does similar stuff and more like flying ointments which can help you confront your shadow and fly to other planes but they just want to lose themselves in the mysteries of other peoples exotified cultures that still have traditions in tact to celebrate the nature around them cause white people are disconnected completely from the nature that they come from. (Also obviously to clarify I mean white people as the modern white supremacist culture, obviously not everyone individually cause I am friends with a lot of white witches here doing invaluable work connecting people back with the native land, plant medicines and traditions and many of them trying to save the Gaelic language and traditions that are still under threat and being killed off today).

Though ayahuasca can be more of a powerful cleanser than mushrooms, it's essentially the same frequency of plant medicine like the same vibe just connecting you to another land and there is a reason why indigenous people think white people are weird for over glorifying it when we have our own shit. If you are really curious about ayahuasca I mean mushrooms are good enough a job really and will better connect you to the woodlands that you may live in. 

 Most importantly I kind of understand the type of role I need to play and the path there isn't clear cut but it's important for me to keep spreading that message of love. Right now we live in a dark dank ass time line when the Earth is transiting some dark corner of the cosmos and everything is going through it's own nasty purge while we try to ascend to a new and better reality. However this new and better reality is really indifferent towards the existence of the human race or white supremacy so as the earth ascends and has it’s own purges, if people don't fucking get it together, especially white people, we are going to get taken out as the rest of the world thrives and glows up without us. It's so easy to fall into a spiral of self hate cause this shitty evil society we live in thrives on us not knowing how to honor ourselves and love ourselves. Even capitalism has twisted the idea of loving ourselves into something selfish or synonymous with splurging money to further empower stupid companies to give us quick highs from new purchases that will lose it's meaning and later pollute the earth.

On these trips a message I keep on getting is that love and life are synonymous. It's true and sad that there are many people brought into this world without love but what lets life thrive and what makes life worth living is love. And love is really that energy where we are grateful in our existence and the existence of our friends and those that support us and nature that supports us. But often what helps us understand that love is being able to support ourselves and do stuff that honors ourselves. And yes being loved IS a need, so it's important to seek out friends that validate you and that will love and support you and that you can do the same with them. If you find that network you will feel less alone and when you love yourself you will never feel alone and that in itself is true empowerment. When you have love in your life like that you can do anything and you will always feel safe. And I think that's why I was crying at the beginning of my trip cause I know what it's like to not have that. I know what it was like to feel hopeless and suicidal. We also live in a society that like beats down on kids of color especially black girls and like LGBT kids especially trans kids and it makes me so sad to think that there are people here that don't even realize how valuable they are by just existing. Like their lives don't just matter, they are INVALUABLE and that they need to fight for themselves every day and make the effort to love themselves cause honestly once they push through and really figure out how to love themselves they don't realize that they are literally a beacon of light and hope for others to learn how to love themselves too. Once they get to that place someone else who could be alone and struggling can look to them and be like: wow I do have the right to exist and be valued cause this person found a way to do it themselves even though society shat on them the whole time. And it's important to support your peers in these marginalized groups as well and be allies to those who are not well supported in this society. Like this is such a shitty timeline but people need to realize that they are made of love and that they are valuable and that the future of humanity and our peace and well being depends on their missions to find love for themselves and overcome white supremacy's demon ass structure that is enslaving us all.

Ok that is all. If you have read all of this thank you <3

[burnedbyshoto]

Of Love and Flowers

word count: 4,006

warnings: sfw

a/n: this was supposed to come out a few days ago, but i’m trash lmao and didn’t have it ready at all until this morning!!!! if you follow me, I told you the theme about this post through an ask meme yesterday ;) enjoy

✩✶✩❇✩✶✩

“We are shaped and fashioned by what we love.” - Johann Wolfgang von

There are 20,182,852 words in the world.

There are over 2,000 used kanji in the Japanese language.

There are over 100 different words of expressing that you love someone.

There is only one way to say ‘I love you.’

There is only one Todoroki Shouto.

✩✶✩❇✩✶✩

Flower shops are some of the most peaceful places in the world. The air smells heavily of the perfume from the plants. The toasty environment of the room, the way that rain or shine it was always bright in the shop.

The flowers sitting in each of their own little packages call and entrance strangers. Making people fish out a few yen to buy someone they loved a flower. Most always grabbed a simple red rose, the most iconic sign of love.

Love.

Your fingers ghosted over the flowers before you. The waxy softness of the petal running smoothly under your fingertip. The frosty coldness of February winter clung to your face as you stared at the carnations on display.

“Are you getting any flowers today, brat?” The small flower shop owner barks at you. Her wrinkled hands go to sit on her waist in a sassy pose, her eyes squinted as she looked up at you. “All you do is come to stare at my flowers, touch them with your oily fingers, and scare off my customers!”

The stance she is taking should be one of reprimanding, but your face warms in love for her. “Sorry, Ami-sama, these carnations were just calling my name today.” You laugh pulling at the white carnation that you had been admiring.

“What’s so good about getting yourself flowers?! Why don’t you get that handsome boyfriend of yours to get you some flowers? Tch, you bring him around once and now I never see him again! Who do you take me for?” She scolds you, her arms folded as she thinks about who you brought.

“Ami-sama, you know—” Your eyes widen at her judgment, but she continues on.

“He was such a handsome boy, tall and strong looking, too! He could do something about that scar… tell him I know someone with a quirk who can remove all scars! Just because of you I’ll give him her number, and she’ll do it for free!”

The groan that leaves your lips is joined with a wispy trail of air that leaves your mouth.

Deciding not to fight her, you smile politely. “As much as Shouto would appreciate the number, I don’t think he wants to get rid of his scar.”

“Bah,” Ami humphs as she takes the white carnation and places it within your fingers. “Using his first name though? I didn’t realize you young lovers were that deep in your relationship!”

Your face flushes as you take the flower. You and Shouto that deep in your relationship? No, he just asked you to call him that and who were you to say no? After all—

“Aren’t you going back to school, brat? You’re going to be late! Don’t you dare make me take that flower back!” Ami harasses you shooing you away as you laugh loudly.

“I’ll be back after classes to pick up flowers for my friend’s birthday!” You call out as you take off running.

“Bring back your handsome boyfriend, he makes me want to be young again!” She yells out after to you.

You don’t really hear her as you continue running. You had gone home on Saturday night to spend Sunday with your family because you had to go to visit the doctor. It was now Monday morning. As it was the end of your second year in U.A., you were running down the old familiar streets to get to the school’s campus. The white carnation in your hand a hopeful prayer for the rest of the week.

This was going to be a good week.

This was going to be the best week.

“Y/n?” A voice called for you as you crashed through the front gates.

Out of breath, you snapped your head to your left to see Shouto standing there. Backpack slung on his shoulder, eyes light in amusement as you waved.

“You just got back, too?” Shouto asks as he waits for you to come and walk with him. You nod your head, unable to speak still, it was just so hard to breathe. “How was your visit?”

“Oh… ya know…” You pant as you drag your heels over to where Shouto is waiting for you. “Went to the doctor’s appointment and my mom made me so much food.”

“How was the doctor’s appointment?” Shouto asks out of concern. His eyebrows raised as the two of you begin walking towards the school building. Other students were also making their way into the glass building.

“Well,” You sigh looking away from him. “I was told that they don’t know why I’m having issues with my breathing? Just to keep monitoring it and I’ll be going back in to get more testing done.”

Shouto nods his head as he opens the door for you, letting you step through before himself. “You’ll let me know right away what’s wrong, right?”

“You’ll be the first to know.” You giggle softly as the two of you make your way to the lockers. “Shouto, do you want this flower?” You ask handing him carnation with a soft smile.

Looking at it, Shouto’s face contorts slightly. “Depends, what does it mean?”

“Sweet and lovely, women’s good luck gift, and innocence.” You hum looking back at him with a grin. “I think it’s a perfect flower. Don’t you think?”

Shouto smiles softly, one that knocks your breath from your lungs as he takes it from your fingers. Chills run down your arms as his warm hands brush against yours. Your eyes flutter closed as his warm and soft lips come to press against your cheeks. Electricity flowing through your being as he pulls away.

“Thank you, y/n,” Shouto whispers to you.

Unable to speak, your body and mind so convoluted with only the mere thought of Shouto, you nod.

“Are you ready to walk to class?” He asks looking down at the pristine flower. How incredibly fit for a man like Shouto.

The tightness in your chest increases at the sound of his voice as you shake your head. “I need to use t-the restroom really quick? You can go on without me, I’ll catch up?”

Shouto sighs, but agrees as he waves and leaves you as you quickly rush towards the restroom.

Oh, how he made you feel so warm and safe.

✩✶✩❇✩✶✩

Daisy chains were so beautiful.

A true statement of floral beauty, yet so irritating to make.

The stems of the daisies crinkled under your hold. Your eyebrows scrunching as you concentrated on the logistics of this small task. You were nearly done with the crown, but your fingers shook as if this was loop one.

“What are you making?” A voice asks from behind you.

Having long ago sensed them, you don’t flinch as you secure the daisy onto the chain.

“Ami-sama had asked for me to make her… three daisy chains…” You mumble concentrating on the task at hand. “I don’t know why either. But, she did request I bring you with me when I drop it off.”

Shouto shifts from behind you to come and sit down on the couch beside you. “I think Ami really likes me?” He remarks as if unsure if that was correct.

“Ami-sama is obsessed with you,” You mumble as you look at the half-and-half boy.

Placing down the daisy chain you grinned at Shouto. Shouo was now admiring the already finished chains. The warm air of May weather filled the common room, as you pulled your hair from its ponytail. Shouto’s fingers gently trace around the crown until he finally places it down.

Your chin was tucked between your knees, your feet resting on the couch. You continued to gaze at Shouto as he looks at you.

“Would you mind teaching me?” Shouto asked with a small smile.

A small smile with the power to steal your breath away. Your own small smile overcomes your features as you shift closer to Shouto, “Here!” You say grabbing the other group of daisies.

With your shoulder pressed against Shouto’s arm, you explained to him how to make the daisy chain. Your instructions clear, concise, and soft. Shouto listened to every single word willingly, intensely, and carefully. Your smaller hands sat on top of his as you showed him how to make the chain. The tremor in your fingers is now gone as you guided him. His warm hands following your every action. The two of you moving without instruction, without words. Your breathing stills as he suddenly looks at you. His eyes softly opened, his lips inviting you in, and his aroma stilling your pounding chest.

Why did he have this effect on you?

“Do you think this is something my girlfriend would appreciate if I made her one?” He asks you, a small and goofy smile on his face.

“She would.” You grin back, your cheeks hurting as you giggled softly.

“What do daisies mean?” Shouto asks as he begins making the daisy chain without your assistance.

“Innocence, I’ll never tell, and purity.” You inform him as you grab your own chain.

“You really know your flowers.” Shouto murmurs as he reaches for another daisy.

He was much better at this than you were, but you didn’t mind at all. Seeing him making these chains here with you was enough to keep your competitive spirit down.

“It’s my secret talent,” You tease with a grin. “My grandma has a flower-based quirk, super weird. Whenever she has emotions flowers will sprout on her body, so I learned them all just in case she was ever sad.”

Shouto hums as he nods, his eyes flickering over to you again.

“I don’t know anything except red roses and white lilies.”

“Love, I love you.” You say as you focus back onto the daisies, your face burning as you felt Shouto whip his head towards you. “Purity and majesty.”

“Yes,” Shouto laughs a little as he shakes his head. After all, you had never once told him those words. It would be a pretty lame confession to say it right now. “Maybe I didn’t know lilies after all?”

Your returned your sights on the boy who held your heart. “What did you think it meant?”

“You’ve made my life complete.” Shouto sighs, his eyes locking with yours.

A blush overcomes your cheeks as you shake your head. What an idiot throwing meanings like that around. “That is the meaning behind lily of the valley.” You correct with a shake of your head. “Those flowers you have to be careful with, they’re—”

“Invasive and toxic,” Shouto says with you.

A gleaming smile overcomes your face as you nod, “You do know something about flowers.”

“You made me slightly interested in them, y/n,” Shouto confesses with a small shove to your shoulder. Confusion fills you as you stare at Shouto, his eyes locking with yours as his head slightly tilts. Clearing his throat, a soft pink hue spreads on his cheeks. “You’re so passionate about flowers that I had to learn something about it.”

Without asking, as you were overcome with your love for the boy sitting next to you, your arms wrapped around his neck pulling him into a hug.

“The daisies!” Shouto reminds you, but you don’t let go as you feel Shouto move the flowers around for him to finally hug you back.

His arms are safe, warm, and you want nothing more than to melt in his embrace and never again come out.

It takes a few moments more, but you pull away, your cheeks burning as Shouto tells you that it’s okay. There is no reason to be embarrassed.

“Well,” Shouto stands finally, the daisy chains now completed. “I have a date to prepare for.” His smile is warm as it is loving.

You roll your eyes playfully as you nudge him, “Go get ready. I’ll see you later?”

“Of course.”

As you watch him leave, you cough. Your chest feels tight as you stand up, going to use the restroom. There wasn’t anything you wouldn’t do for that boy.

✩✶✩❇✩✶✩

The tarnished flowers in front of you made you tremble.

Broken flowers on the floor dead, ruined, forever unloved.

You weren’t able to stand up, your stance had you on your knees staring at the colored mess before you.

This couldn’t be happening.

Your fingers trembled as you tried to gather the flowers. The sticky substance from their broken stems is thick against your fingers as you tried to hold them.

Soft and quiet sobs wretched through your body. The desperation in your actions unbecoming as you pulled the flowers to your chest.

“Y/n?” Shouto asks from before you. Your head snaps up to see Shouto kneeling down, gathering the ruined flowers in his hands. “What happened? Who did this to you?” He asks you intently, curiously, and almost angrily.

“I-I wasn’t watching where I was going!” You stammer embarrassed. “I crashed into someone and I ruined your flowers.”

Shouto’s eyebrows relaxed, his eyes widening as he stares at you. “My flowers?”

You hesitate not daring to look up at him just yet, “Y-Yeah.” You whisper. “It’s been a hard few past months, you know that.”

Shouto nods his head, he did know that. Your breathing was still causing you issues and no one knew why.

“You’ve been amazing and sweet, and always there for me!” You explain further, the flowers now in your arms and in his. “I just… I just wanted to show you in a way that made sense to me that I appreciated everything you’ve been doing. I’m not good with words, but I’m great with flowers, so I just wanted to express that in a way that made me happy.”

Shouto’s eyes soften as he chuckles.

“I would have been okay with a simple thank you text.”

“But you’ve been doing too much for a text.” You laugh as he helps you stand up. “I don’t know how to cook cold soba, I also can’t really afford to buy anything expensive, so I figured you’d like some flowers! I mean, I know most don’t but I figured maybe because you like flowers a bit more it could be like… like an inside joke?”

Shouto nods his head as he softly rearranges your hair. His strong fingers pushing your hair into place, careful not to tangle your locks. Your heart rate is high as his fingers stroke your face.

“Well, even though it’s ruined, can I try to see if I understand the message?” He asks you staring at the different arrangements of flowers in the two of your arms.

“Have at it.” You mumble drunk off of his touch.

Shouto stares intently at the different flowers. His cheeks puffing out as the two of you stare at each flower.

“If I’m being honest,” Shouto chuckles. “I don’t actually know how these flowers look like.”

The grin that overcomes your features at that confession makes you forget that you had once been sad.

“Yellow tulip?” You say presenting the flower.

“There’s sunshine in your smile.” Shouto chuckles.

“Sweet pea’s?”

“Thank you for your time.”

“Bells of Ireland?”

“Good luck.”

“You got them!” You praise with a grin. Shouto’s cheeks burn red as he rubs the back of his neck.

“I told you I was…” He mumbles. “I’m glad that I was able to remember all those. There are so many flowers?”

“Oh, I know!” You laugh clutching the flowers closer to you.

“But what about those two flowers you didn’t mention?”

Your eyes fall on the flowers you had been trying to hide.

“Oh, those were put by accident into the bouquet!” You laugh.

“I want to try to give you their meanings though.”

You shake your head insistently. The center of your world paused, his eyebrows furrowed.

“Another day then?”

You nod your head, looking away.

“Can… can I give you a hug right now?” Shouto askes you. “You look like you need one.”

A weak nod is all you can offer Shouto as his arms wrap around you. The different scents of the flowers between you have suddenly stopped smelling. All you can breathe in was the cologne that Shouto uses. Overwhelming and invading, you feel yourself collapsing into his hold as the two of you stand in the middle of the school’s hallway.

“You ready to go?” Shouto asks.

With tears brimming at your eyes you nod your head. “P-Please?”

But he doesn’t notice when you pick a flower petal out of your mouth.

✩✶✩❇✩✶✩

You were feeling dizzy today. Your body curled into the couch as you watched your classmates struggle to make you feel better.

“You’re a fucking idiot for letting things get this far!” Bakugou yells at you as he slams a tray of food over your lap.

“Don’t yell at her!” Kirishima intervenes, pushing the hot head away from you as he hands you a cup of juice. “You’re fine, y/l/n-chan, but… I think you need to tell him.”

“I can’t tell Shouto…” You mumble as you stare at the food. It looked so delicious, but you knew better than to eat like this. Everything you had been consuming had been immediately thrown up.

Mina shakes her head from beside you, she had a bag for any throw-up, and a box of tissues ready. “Telling Todoroki isn’t going to do anything for her…”

“You don’t know that!” Uraraka interjects. Her face screaming her concern, her permanent blush seemed to be a bit weaker today.

Your hands tremble as you push the tray away from you. “He’s right…” You mutter as you stand up. “I need to tell him…”

“That is not happening.” Came four different voices.

Your chest is tight and heavy and you’re on your feet.

There is so much happening around you, hands grabbing onto your body, trying to get you to stay. There is nothing happening within you, just a power telling you that you needed to talk to Shouto. The reality was that you shouldn’t have won your seven classmates trying to keep you down in the common space. But somehow you persevered pushing through and getting to the top floor.

Your heart hammered in your head, your body feeling weak and shaky as you knocked on his door.

It took only ten seconds until the door was opened, and there stood Shouto.

A white button-down, navy blue slacks, and a black-tie around his neck.

“Y/n?” He asks taken aback, his eyes wide at your physical appearance.

“W-What are you doing?” You ask, your cheeks hot with your sickness.

“I’m finishing getting ready to go out.” He says as he pushes his hair back. “Are you feeling okay?”

Your breathing stopped as you stared at him, what you needed to tell him no longer there as your mouth opened.

“I lied to you.”

Shouto’s eyes narrowed in confusion, “About what?”

“The flowers.”

“What—?”

“White carnations… from the day you caught me coming back from home. T-They also mean pure love. Daisies they also mean loyal love! And the two flowers you saw just l-last week… those are… they’re—”

“Todoroki-kun, are you — oh! Y/l/n-chan I didn’t see you!”

Your body stiffens as you turn to see Momo dressed up in one of her prettiest outfits. A navy blue formal dress that somehow accentuated her curves and made her even more beautiful.

“Yaomomo.” You greeted with a smile. You felt ugly, out of place, a weak girl crying to a man who wasn’t hers. Seeking attention and comfort from a man who would never be hers. “Are you guys going out on a date tonight?”

“Yes! My family is hosting a lavish dinner, and I figured it was time Todoroki-kun met my family!”

Your heart shattered as you pretended to be happy. “C-Congratulations! This is a really big step!” You try to express your elation, but it feels flat.

“I’m ready though, Momo,” Shouto says softly to his girlfriend. “Y/n was just telling me the actual meanings to the flowers.”

“Oh yes, Shouto told me all about how you’ve been helping him with the flowers! You have amazing taste!” Momo gushes as you shake your head looking down.

“I-It’s nothing…” You glance back at Shouto who looked at you, waiting for the rest of the information. “Um, I’ll tell you when you get back? I don’t want to make you late…”

“You sure?”

“Positive…”

“Okay…”

You watched as they walked away, Shouto’s arm wrapping around Momo’s waist as he brings her in close. His lips pressing against hers.

It’s no use.

Your heart hurts too much.

Your lungs giving out as you take off running. You rushed past them, their concerned voices unheard as you slam into your room.

Your head is over the toilet as you pant heavily, a thick wad of something traveling up your throat. Heave after heave, until something splatters into the toilet.

The first flower: a red carnation.

My heart aches for you.

Admiration.

Whimpering cries escape your lips as red petals fly from your mouth. The clear toilet water turning red as blood splattered from your mouth.

It hurts.

It hurts.

It burns.

You admire Shouto, your heart aches for him, but he isn’t yours to have.

Another flower is stuck in your throat before it too tumbles out into the toilet before you.

The second flower: a striped carnation.

No.

Refusal.

Sorry, I can’t be with you.

I wish I could be with you.

Shouto didn’t love you. He denied you long before, a wordless rejection when he told you he had asked Momo out that one night. His eyes told you he was sorry he couldn’t be with you as he had been fighting his own feelings for you, but Momo was safe. Momo made him happy. You wished you had gathered the courage to tell him of your own feelings. You wished you could be with you, you wanted to be with him.

Your body would not stop shaking as striped petals fell mockingly slow into the toilet. Breezing and sweet.

A mockery to the love you held for him.

The one-sided feelings that were to never be reciprocated.

Then the third flower was beginning to make it’s way up, and you stilled.

The doctors said months ago that by the time the third unique flower had come it would be too late.

You didn’t want surgery.

You didn’t want to lose your emotions or memories of Shouto. Not when he made your heart soar. Not when he was everything.

You didn’t want to die.

But nothing was working.

The banging on your door started as soon as you began heaving it up.

The flower strangling you as you tried to breathe.

The flower you had wondered about for the past seven months almost refusing to come out. It stayed until your door was exploded from the hinges.

It expelled from your mouth as you stopped breathing. Your body collapsing as blood streamed from your mouth. Yells falling deaf in your ears as some screamed to call the ambulance. But your eyes focused on the flower that laid mockingly on your chest.

Beautiful, pristine, and unaffected.

A primrose.

The world was quickly turning dark as you mumbled Shouto’s name. Strong arms lifting your dying body as your eyes drifted to the heterochromia eyed boy who now held you. His neck strained as he yelled orders, his eyes snapping back down to yours as he began moving.

His eyes were wide, shocked, scared.

“I love you…” You whisper as your body felt light. “I can’t live without you… and I’m so so sorry Shouto...”

“Y/N!”

[makeste]

BnHA Chapter 286: VESTIGE ANTICS ARE A GO

Previously on BnHA: Deku was all “what’s the record for most consecutive bone breaks within the span of a single minute” and, without waiting for an answer, proceeded to unleash roughly 17 Smashes onto Tomura. Kacchan was all “THAT DOES IT, I’M TAKING THE REINS OF THIS SHITSHOW” and carried Endeavor and Shouto up to where the action was so Endeavor could hit Tomura with a Prominence Burn. AFO was all “Tomura would you rather burn to death or let me take over your body” and Tomura was all “...” and so AFO TOOK OVER and was all “STABBITY STABBITY” and used his Stabbing Quirk to do some Good Old Fashioned STABBIN’. First he stabbed Endeavor, and then he was all “hee and now I’m gonna stab Deku”, but Kacchan was all “SIR THAT’S MY EMOTIONAL SUPPORT RIVAL” and so he rushed on in AND GOT HIMSELF STABBED INSTEAD. And so basically THIS PAST WHOLE WEEK HAS BEEN A RIDE, LET ME TELL YOU.

Today on BnHA: Kacchan is all “sup Deku lemme just downplay how I totally took this fatal blow for you just now” before he dramatically passes out and is caught by Todoroki “BTDUBS I CAN FLY NOW” Shouto, who is also carrying his dad because the kids really are just doing it all, here. AllForRaki Tomura For One is all “HAHA BAKUGOU IS PRETTY DUMB”, at which point Deku just LOSES IT ENTIRELY and ASCENDS INTO A NEW PLANE OF FURY LIKE A LITTLE GREEN RAGE BUDDHA. But then like two seconds later Tomura is all “ANYWAY, SO” and FUCKING TOUCHES DEKU’S FACE, CAUSING THE TWO OF THEM TO ASTROPROJECT INTO THE FREAKY OFA/AFO MINDSCAPE BECAUSE THIS CHAPTER IS BANANAS. Vestige!AFO is all “reports of my demise were greatly exaggerated but aren’t you glad I saved your life though, Tomura”, while Tomura is all “!!” because he’s hopefully starting to get A Clue, and meanwhile Deku just stands there watching all “what the fuck.” The chapter ends with SHIMURA MCFUCKING NANA showing up all, “HI, I HEARD SOME BITCHES WERE TRYING TO HAVE A GIRL POWER ARC, AND THEY DIDN’T INVITE ME.” Go on, Nana. Give ‘em hell.

you guys. I’m not normally one to take pleasure in another human being’s misfortune. BUT THAT SAID, there are exceptions to every rule, and so let’s just say certain events have transpired early this morning which have PUT ME IN A VERY, LET’S JUST SAY, NOT-TERRIBLE MOOD which this chapter will hopefully improve upon!!

oh my god Deku’s one non-fucked-up eye that he still has control over is SO WIDE YOU GUYS

hmm I know I shouldn’t be all (゜▽゜) while the two of them are all (； ▼ Д ▼) (⁰ Д゜;) ... and yet here we are. btw I’m worried tumblr’s formatting will ruin those two emojis which I worked so hard to get just right so I’m gonna repost them on another line here just in case

(； ▼ Д ▼) (⁰ Д゜;) that’s them. Kacchan and Deku. my boys 

HERE COMES THE CHEESY “JUST GOT STABBED BETTER PLAY IT OFF ALL COOL!!!” ONE LINER OH MY GOD

(ETA: really love how my son, with what for all he knows could be his dying breaths, decides that the absolute most important thing is to preserve his selfish asshole facade so as not to fuck up his status quo with his rival. “LOOKEE HERE I GOT MYSELF ALL STABBED AND SHIT FOR YOU, BUT I TOTALLY JUST DID IT BECAUSE I WAS TIRED OF YOU GETTING ALL THE COOL HERO MOMENTS” yeah, that’s right! SELFLESS MOTIVATIONS, WHAT ARE THOSE sob.

also tbh I’m glad they didn’t delve any further into their feelings right here and now because this really isn���t the place or time for it sadly. WE WILL JUST PUT THOSE ON HOLD UNTIL AFTER THE ARC ENDS, when they are all recovering from their various wounds and traumas and have time to catch up and have some long-overdue heart-to-hearts. it deserves its own chapter or two or three. maybe time to head back to Ground Beta once they’re healthy? “healthy” perhaps being a relative term given their current condition fjsdjkf.)

by the way it looks from here like only the ones through his torso and shoulder actually hit, so that’s something at least. WE’VE LOST ENOUGH LEGS TODAY. I need to conserve my remaining puns

MEANWHILE TOMURA IS HAVING A CRISIS

ARE YOU MAD AT YOUR EVIL DAD TOMURA. HE JUST WON’T TAKE NO FOR AN ANSWER WILL HE, THAT GUY

anyway so it looks like Kacchan might have caught a break here because AFO/Tomura is pulling the stabby quirk activation tendril things back out! rip, “Kacchan vs. Deku part 3″ theories

p.s. I got ALL CAUGHT UP IN THE DRAMA and thus glossed over the chapter title which is “one among us”! hmmm this is definitely AFO/OFA related, calling it now. ooh lord I am excited

NOW MY SON IS DRAMATICALLY FALLING

THE BLOOD FROM THE MOUTH OOF NOT GOOD AHHHH. DEKU’S FACE AHHHH. HIS BODY JUST WENT TOTALLY LIMP DID HE PASS OUT AHHHH. SOMEONE CATCH HIM!!

BY HIS FOOT, SHOUTO?!

well NOT EXACTLY THE MOST GRACEFUL THING I’VE EVER SEEN, but we’ll allow it because HOLY SHIT BOY. ARE YOU ALREADY CARRYING YOUR DAD ON TOP OF THAT?? HORIKOSHI PLEASE CONFIRM, IS TODOROKI MOTHERFUCKING SHOUTO FUCKING FLYING AROUND UNBALANCED AF ON HIS ONE FLAMEY LEG, CARRYING HIS 500 LB POP AND NOW HIS FLOPPY PASSED OUT BEST FRIEND AS WELL?!? HOLY SHIT TODO?!?!

LADIES AND GENTLEFRIENDS OF THE VILLAIN STANDOM, FEAR NOT, TOMURA’S HAIR IS THE FIRST THING THAT GREW BACK LOL

even before his eyeballs kfldkakjk. which, btw, how does he even know what’s going on right now? “this fight has shed a lot of useless blood” sdkmkjl okay well (1) WHOSE FAULT WAS THAT, AGAIN??, (2) SERIOUSLY THOUGH, HOW DOES HE EVEN KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING. DO YOU EVEN KNOW WHO YOU STABBED?? ARE YOU EFFECTIVELY BLIND FOR THE NEXT FEW SECONDS HERE, WHAT’S GOING ON, and lastly (3) I seriously can’t tell if this is AFO or Tomura talking right now. or are they going back and forth?? help this is so confusing

HEY

THE DISRESPECT. I’LL HAVE YOU KNOW KACCHAN ANGST IS NEVER USELESS!!

AND NOW HE’S BACK TO THE STABBING JFKJLKJLF I AM NOT TOO HAPPY WITH YOU RIGHT NOW MISTER

okay and now we’re cutting to some quick panels of the unconscious Aizawa, Gran, and Ryuukyuu, along with the “still conscious but in a very real sense might as well not be counted” Manual who is really having a day, that poor guy

anyway but then there’s also some dialogue boxes being all “if you act out of rage your power will respond accordingly, the most important part is to keep your head clear.” which I’m like 90% sure is Deku/OFA related, but honestly NOTHING ABOUT THIS CHAPTER IS CLEAR SO FAR YOU GUYS. except for the Shouto-is-a-badass part anyway

HMM YEP I’M GONNA GO WITH DEKU-RELATED

it must be a callback to some line I’m forgetting. maybe Lariat explaining Blackwhip to him that one time. probably should have been in italics if it was a flashback quote, but hey. anyways the point is Deku is absolutely, 100% following this advice to the letter (/s)

(ETA: yep I’m almost positive this is the same quote from chapter 213. “listen, when you use this power out of anger, it’ll really start working for you. what really matters is controlling your heart.” which is still one of the weirdest pieces of advice in the entire series, but basically I think he was just trying to tell him it’s okay to get mad, so long as it’s calmly mad. like, controlled fury, as opposed to this white-hot berserker nonsense he’s been running on as of late. anyways I do still love me some shounen rage all the same but Lariat has a point.)

...

it took me a minute to realize THOSE WERE DEKU’S EYES. holy --

AND ANOTHER MINUTE TO REALIZE THAT DEKU FUCKING GRABBED THE ACTIVATION TENDRIL WITH HIS BUSTED UP OFA HANDS AND BIT INTO IT WITH HIS RABID OFA JAWS AND SNAPPED THAT SHIT LIKE A FUCKING KITKAT KLJLKSJDLKJFLK WOOOOOOOO I DON’T EVEN KNOW WHAT’S HAPPENING BUT GODDAMN. POWER MOVE

(ETA: this is a two-page spread omg. I didn’t even realize at first. this scan ABSOLUTELY DOES NOT DO THIS BADASS PAGE ANY KIND OF JUSTICE but I can’t wait to see the real deal on Sunday holy shit.)

LMAO

DEKU RAGED SO HARD HE TURNED INTO AN ANGRY GHOST SONIC THE HEDGEHOG FKLSKG

(ETA: he actually looks a bit like the Vestiges/Kurogiri tbh.)

meanwhile Tomura basically has the exact same face I would have had in his position. yeah for real man. I don’t even know

p.s. WHEN will people learn to STOP INSULTING KACCHAN IN DEKU’S PRESENCE. WHEN, I ASK!!

WHAT IN THE CINNAMON TOAST FUCK

if this was a physical page I was holding I would have FLUNG THAT SHIT AWAY LIKE THERE WAS A SPIDER CRAWLING ON IT. WHAT THE FUCK

HOT DAMN. well uh. so that’s SUPER DISTURBING, what a lovely panel of Tomura’s melted face slowly growing back while his ears lag behind, and meanwhile that little scar that had been growing and growing and which at one point certain people (ME) thought might turn him into a BEAUTIFUL BUTTERLY instead RIPS HIS FACE IN HALF to reveal the KINDER EGG AFO SURPRISE UNDERNEATH AHHHHH TAKE IT BACK

THIS IS WHY YOU DON’T LET MAD SCIENTISTS PERFORM EXPERIMENTS ON YOU, KIDS. PSA. JUST SAY NO

-- NO!!!

HORIKOSHI!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

fuck

oh my god. I almost would have rather cut away right after the Kacchan incident than freaking cut away NOW of all times, jesus. THAT’S JUST A BITCH MOVE, IS WHAT THAT IS. if we don’t cut back within the next three pages I SWEAR TO GOD

anyway so GUESS WHAT GIGANTOMACHIA’S DOING YOU GUYS. if you guessed “the exact same thing he was doing last time we saw him” then you are absolutely right, because it was actually PRETTY EASY TO GUESS

anyway but he says he detects “master’s scent”, except that there’s apparently two of them. interesting! one in Tartarus and one in Jakku, right? lol Horikoshi has burned me so many times already with his excruciatingly slow reveal of this that I’m not gonna hold my breath just yet, but I’ll get the hype train warmed up JUST IN CASE

okay so meanwhile in downtown Jakku, the heroes are handing off the civilians over to the police and rescue forces while they prepare to engage with “the villain”, by which I assume they mean Gigantomachia. does this mean Iida and Ochako are gonna fight Machia you guys omg

OOH!!!

“PLEASE INFORM THEM ON FOOT” well I know a certain SPEEDY BOI who would be PERFECT for that job oh my. make haste, Tenyar FastmLeggy

WAIT WHICH WAY ARE THEY HEADING

ARE THEY HEADING TOWARDS MACHIA OR TOWARDS DEKU AND AFO

so rather than answering my VERY PERTINENT question, Ochako is instead spending an entire page thinking about how their complete clusterfuck of a life keeps getting exponentially worse all the time! well but she’s not wrong though

NOW SHE’S ALL “GUYS...!” and, rather than explaining ANYTHING AT ALL, Horikoshi is again cutting back to THIS, OMG AHHHHHHHHHHHHH

(ETA: good thing Kacchan wasn’t awake to see his dramatic “I’ll just get myself impaled for Deku’s sake” plan result in this outcome ALL OF TWENTY SECONDS LATER smdh.)

I ACTUALLY PREFER MY DEKUS NON-CRUMBLED, THANKS. ALSO JUST ON A SIDE NOTE, POOR SHOUTO THOUGH. THE LAST NINETY SECONDS OR SO HAVE BEEN ENOUGH NIGHTMARE FUEL FOR A LIFETIME HAVEN’T THEY

so now he’s all “MIDORIYA!!!” because OF COURSE HE IS. his best friend just got impaled, and his dad too, and now he fully expects to see his other best friend crumble to dust right before his eyes holy shit. T R A U M A ™

-- !!!

somehow in the excitement of the moment I forgot his actual goal for a sec lol. meaning I instantaneously switched from HORRIFIED to GRINNING LIKE A MANIAC :D :D :D come on OFA time to show him what’s what

AND NOW WE’RE SWITCHING OVER TO EVERYONE’S FAVORITE TRIPPY DREAM LANDSCAPE FOR ADDITIONAL DRAMA, WELL OKAY

I’M ON BOARD WITH THIS, WHATEVER. also it’s becoming increasingly apparent that Deku is in fact nekkid underneath that mystical cloud bs, so let’s hope one of his remaining yet-to-be-unlocked quirks is a pants-conjuring quirk lulz

“this place...” yeah we all fucking know what this place is son, let’s get on with this. by my count we’ve only got four pages left so PLEASE BUDGET THEM WISELY

OH MY

holy shit. I have so many screaming thoughts about this lol but I just want to keep on reading lkjlkjlkjl okay I’ll come back later and edit them in, how’s that

OR MAYBE I’LL JUST RANT ABOUT THEM NOW GODDAMMIT

shit. okay let me just try and sum this up as quick as I can

so just in case it wasn’t already crystal clear, AFO’s soul being roommates with Tomura’s seems to be just about 100% confirmed now. good for you, All For One For All theory!! the “Kacchan loses his quirk” theory died so that you might live on in glory

AFO does seem to have almost fully taken control now. it looks like Tomura’s still fighting back, but AFO clearly has the upper hand now if their body language is any indication. Tomura on his knees with AFO calmly holding him down and ignoring his struggles... not looking too good for him at the moment

people seem to have somewhat lost sight of this in the midst of the great “heroes vs. villains Who Is Right Who Is Wrong What Are Morals” debate of 2020, but just a friendly reminder that AFO is in fact responsible for 100% of all of Tomura’s suffering from pretty much the moment he was born up till this very moment we’re now witnessing!! like, you can go ahead and blame Nana and Gran and The Complacent Apathy Of Hero Society and whatever the fuck else from here till Sunday, but All for One is the reason Kotarou was orphaned. All for One is almost certainly the reason why the seemingly quirkless Tenko suddenly just magically developed THE MOST FUCKED UP QUIRK OF ALL TIME at the worst possible moment. All for One is probably the reason why no one helped Traumatized Baby Tenko in the immediate aftermath (I can and likely will write a separate post about this in the near future). All for One is definitely the reason why no one helped Tenko at any point after that. All for One is the reason why Tenko grew up all fucked in the head (“HERE’S YOUR DEAD FAMILY’S HANDS, MERRY CHRISTMAS”), and the reason why he grew up blaming Heroes and Society rather than the sole person who was actually responsible who was literally standing right in front of him the entire time. and lastly, All for One is the reason why Tomura has now been manipulated into unknowingly sacrificing his own body and possibly even his mind. so THANKS A LOT FOR THAT. more like jerk for one amiright

basically what I’m trying to say is that Deku and Tomura are not actually enemies here, and they never have been. the two of them have a common enemy, and I’m convinced Tomura’s story is about him eventually coming to realize this. and this looks to be the first step towards that, for two reasons. one, because AFO is finally starting to out himself to Tomura as the rat bastard he has always been. and two, because Deku is catching a glimpse of this now for the very first time. up until now he didn’t have a damn clue lol. but this is now something for him to file away in the back of his mind, and perhaps follow up on at a later date, once all of this craziness finally subsides and he has some time to process

anyway, so that’s basically it! tl;dr AFO is the final villain and unless I’m very much mistaken, this scene is going to finally start to set that up. let’s read on!

OMG

NANA?!?

lKDSJFLKSHGLISHDOGIHOLRKL

NOOOOOO I can’t believe it fucking ended there I can’t fucking believe it, fuck everything

smdh. what a place to end it. didn’t confirm a damn thing. not even whose mental landscape all of this is actually taking place in! like, don’t mind me though Horikoshi, it’s not like THE FATE OF THE WORLD HINGES ON THIS QUESTION OR ANYTHING except oh wait it really kind of does. kljkj

but seriously. because if it’s Deku’s mind, it means that Tomura’s attempt to take his quirk wasn’t successful. but if it’s Tomura’s mind, though... well... hhhhhhkhfff

or it could be both, I guess. more of that “AFO and OFA are the same quirk and thus linked” goodness. oh man. anyways stay tuned for next week when Nana presumably helps Deku out with the rest of that black fog and also hopefully finds him some pants. or maybe Nana can just go fight AFO herself. a little payback for everything he’s done to her protege and to her grandson. either way I CAN’T WAIT omg. VESTIGE ANTICS ARE A GO

[shakeninmyplace]

End of the month check-in: June

06.05 07.02

waist: 29 in (76.7 cm) 27.8 in (71 cm)

hips: 38 in (96.5 cm) 36.2 in (89 cm)

thigh (L): 17.5 in (44.4 cm) 16.5 in (42 cm)

thigh (R): 16.5 in (41.9 cm) 15.6 in (39.5 cm)

measurements in cm at the beginning of the month were direct google conversions, while measurements in cm at the end of the month were taken from the other side of my tape measurer, so they may be off by a little bit

i waited until now to take my measurements and weight bc i got my period on the 28th and gained literally 3 lbs in bloating and literal shit

im so disappointed in myself that i didnt lose more. literally only 3 lbs in a whole month. didnt even make it to my first gw. i dont know whats wrong with me. i feel like sometimes im trying so hard and barely getting anywhere and it makes me want to give up. sometimes i feel like not trying at all. you can probably see that in the number of days i didnt track my cals lol. its frustrating to see the scale go down so little, but at least ive gone down in my measurements

also sorry for disappearing for like a week. i was both busy and not busy. i started shadowing a doctor so i have to eat more, both bc he and his employees are now watching me and bc im also standing up nearly all day (about 8:30/9 am - 6/6:30 pm w/ abt 1.5 hrs for lunch) and i dont want to end up passing out or anything lmao. also been eating a lot of stuff thats homemade so its not easy to calculate and its been rly discouraging.

i'll probably still try to post daily food logs but might not do these calendar things again bc of what i have planned this month. my family is supposed to go on vacation next wednesday - sunday, and then i want to go visit my gf from thursday-sunday after that, so i'll probably be eating a lot against my will and wont be able to keep track of my calorie intake and weight as well 🥲 i'll try my best tho